#Back to Before

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

-Cassie develops time powers after the events of MM4

This is a fun idea I can't figure out how to write. Does anyone else have thoughts?

[madhels-enby-boyfriend]

Back To Before

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Robyn (the roommate) x reader

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, mentions of past smut, mentions of doing cons and scams, mentions of drinking, mentions of smoking weed and mentions of going church, that’s it I think?

Tags: Angst.. like so much angst, hurt/no comfort (the comfort is gonna show up in a few chapters, I promise), abandonment, a lot of unanswered questions, established relationship, Sharon being the confused sweetheart she is, canonically accurate disdain for Iowa.

Summary: You never questioned Robyn’s devotion to you… in hindsight you wish you had, since one day she decided to just up and leave you without a warning or an explanation. You’re determined to get your answers though.

Notes: this idea was inspired by the cover Patti sings of “Back To Before” and a gut wrenching idea I had for a Robyn x reader fic, because my beloved is incredibly underrated. This is going to be a multi-chapter fic and much like in play stupid games the pov will change every chapter to give more insight into what both characters are going through.

As always, thank you to my amazing beta reader, @imorynn, who tortured me with my own words and gave me the motivation to start this series (it’s her fault I’m tormenting you all with this). I appreciate you very much, my friend. I also would like to take this moment to formally apologise to her for torturing her with this, I admit I was the bigger whore 😔✋🏻

Words: ~4K

Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

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Chapter 1: ‘My sky, my moon and my stars and my ocean’

Devotion, that’s the only way you could describe the way you and Robyn loved each other, pure and utter devotion.

You had studied her features in the moonlight, when every single one of her defenses had crumbled and she laid down beside you, her arms wrapped around your waist and her lips slightly parted. You had memorised the way the corner of her lips tilted up into a smirk when she knew she had the upper hand. Your heart still bore the scars from the times you had seen the sparkle in her eyes be dimmed and replaced by glistening tears. When you closed your eyes you could still map out every wrinkle, every freckle and every stretch mark that adorned her beautiful body.

And never once did you doubt her devotion to you. It was clear in the way she looked up at you, in the way her hands so carefully traced your body, as if you were made of glass, in the whispered words when it was just the two of you in bed, your limbs tangled together, unclear where she ended and you began. The way she so reverently breathed your name when she watched you come undone left no room for doubt.

She was your partner in crime, both literally and figuratively. She was the brain behind the cons and scams you had been doing for years now. You two worked like a well oiled machine successfully pulling off anything Robyn’s mind could come up with. One look, a single word, or the smallest hand gesture was all that was needed to understand the other.

You were on the same wavelength about almost everything, you understood the other like no one else could.. or so you had thought. You had never questioned anything, had never needed to, life had been as perfect as it could get, everything was running smoothly, you had no reason to doubt anything, so you hadn’t. You had followed every direction, joined every one of Robyn’s whims and had let her guide you through life, without question.

So when one day you had returned from an errand she sent you on and found your shared apartment empty and devoid of any of her stuff, all traces of her presence erased, your heart had plummeted into your stomach. You had searched every nook and cranny for any sort of message, explanation, reason, but had found nothing. You lost count of how many times you had called her, leaving voicemail after voicemail, sending message after message, until she had blocked your number. That’s when it hit you square in the face, any hope you had previously harboured that there was a logical explanation for this, was thrown out the window. She had abandoned you, just like that, from one day to the next.

You cursed yourself then, for blindly following her, for devoting yourself to her so fully that you had never doubted her, questioned her, and now it had come back to haunt you. You spent days in bed, going over every interaction you had had with her that past month to try and figure out if she had given any indications that she had planned this, trying to figure out if you had missed any clues or signs. But no matter how long you spent reliving the past, examining every little word she had spoken and expression her face had held, you came up with nothing. Nothing had been different, nothing had changed… not until you had come home to an empty apartment.

You had spent those nights crying yourself to sleep, hugging the pillow Robyn once laid her head on and sobbing into it as the realisation that she had left you just like that began to fully sink in.

The next few weeks were a blur, you had attempted to forget her, tried to find a way to move on, but nothing worked. You had lost count of the many different methods you had tried, attempting everything your friends had suggested.

You had tried drinking and spending the night in the arms of a stranger, hoping they would make you forget, but you only felt worse the next morning, as if you’d been unfaithful to her, as if you’d broken some sacred oath you didn’t know you had sworn. They had been nothing but an agonising reminder of what you had lost, proof that she had ruined you for anyone else.

You had tried journaling and going to therapy, but anything you wrote about her ended up littered with praise and devotion, and the second your therapist spoke a negative word about her it felt like you were betraying her. You couldn’t speak negatively about her, not even after she had ripped out your heart so carelessly.

You had spent evenings sitting on the cold floor of your kitchen, crying your heart out and letting yourself just drown in your feelings. ‘I know it’s over’ by The Smiths played on repeat, as a way to poke the wound in your chest, the last thing Robyn gave you, the only thing of hers you still had. She loved The Smiths, had introduced you to them, had told you her heartbreaking stories that she related to the songs… and now she had become a heartbreaking story that you related to their song. Those evenings became too much for you to handle, the emotions too intense as you poked and prodded at the gaping hole Robyn left behind in your chest.

So out of pure desperation you had even tried going to church and talking to a priest. But words had failed you, and the only way you knew how to worship was through Robyn, the only prayers you knew had been spoken at her altar, through whispered promises and soft kisses. But those promises had turned out to be lies, and your lips burned with the knowledge of what it was like to kiss Robyn’s skin. No, you could never worship another being, not after what she had done to you.

Nothing you had tried had brought you any solace, nothing quieted the questions plaguing your mind as you tried to make sense of the situation. You frequently thought back to the last few moments you spent together, hoping to somehow find a new piece of information that would make everything make sense.

You sighed happily as you felt Robyn play with your hair, your head positioned in her lap as you looked up at her, studying her features. You loved afternoons like this, where nothing was planned and you just got to lay on the couch, head in Robyn’s lap, simply enjoying each other’s company.

Your eyes drifted to the wrinkles above her upper lip, you took your time memorising how each line adorned her skin, your eyes then continued their journey downwards and focused on her lips. You thought back to the many times you had felt them on your own, how soft they felt against your skin when they explored your body as she left her mark, the sounds that escaped them when you fingered her. Robyn cleared her throat, pulling you out of your thoughts. So you reluctantly pulled your eyes away from her lips and focused on her eyes as she spoke.

“I need you to do me a favour, baby. Remember those clay figures I made? Can you go grab them from the storage box for me, please?”

Robyn’s voice was soft and tender while she looked at you with pleading eyes. You couldn’t say no to her when she looked at you like that, you had lost the battle before it had even started, yet you still weren’t going without putting up a protest.

“Why do you need them now? I’m so comfortable.. besides that place gives me the creeps.”

You almost whined the words, not wanting to leave the comfort and safety of Robyn’s lap. Her hands stopped playing with your hair and she chuckled as you pouted while looking up at her. You both knew this was futile, you could never deny her anything when she looked at you like this, still you didn’t want to look like too much of a pushover.

“I’ll explain it when you get back, darling. Please, I promise we can cuddle more afterwards. I’ll reward you for facing your fears”

Her voice turned playful when she said the last sentence, the innuendo behind it barely hidden as she gave you that look. You blushed a little as you thought of what Robyn might have in mind, she did love making you sit on her face as a reward. You sighed and didn’t probe any further, deciding the trip would be worth it.

You quickly got up, the faster you got up and left, the faster you were back to collect your prize. It didn’t stop you from complaining and grumbling the entire time while you got ready though. You heard Robyn laugh at your complaints, as she mumbled something about you being far too dramatic.

Once you were ready to leave she had gotten up and kissed your lips tenderly and lovingly, before pulling back with a small smile on her lips, her voice was soft as she spoke.

“Thank you, my angel, I love you.”

You still got butterflies whenever you heard those three words, no matter how much she had said them before, hearing them tumble from her lips still made you feel giddy, even when she was making you leave the comfort of your home to grab some stupid clay figures.

“I love you too.”

That was the last thing you had said to her, you had pecked her lips once more and then made your way to your storage box. By now you couldn’t remember how long you’d been gone, but it had been long enough for her to pack up everything she owned and leave before you came back home.

You opened the door to your apartment, beginning to talk the second you walked through the door.

“Babe, I couldn’t find the cardboard box with your clay figures! Are you sure they’re not here? You’re going to have some extra making up to do if I went all the way up there for nothing.”

Your voice was teasing and playful as you took off your shoes and coat. You waited for an answer but the expected response never came, instead an eerie silence filled the apartment.

As you walked through the apartment, in search of Robyn, you realised all of her stuff was gone.. and so was she. That’s when the search for any kind of message she may have left behind began.

You had dissected every single moment of that day, every minute had been held under a magnifying glass as you tried to find anything that could point to Robyn leaving you later that day, but every single time the search left you empty handed and with more questions than before.

That morning had started the same as any other, Robyn had been the first one up and, just like every other morning, she had made you a cup of coffee before waking you up by placing a gentle kiss on your temple. The kiss hadn’t lingered longer than it normally did, the coffee hadn’t tasted different than it usually had, and she hadn’t said anything she otherwise wouldn’t.

You had made breakfast while she teased you, her words hadn’t been sharper or more stinging than usual. She stole kisses that hadn’t been more fleeting than any of the kisses she usually placed on your lips. She distracted you, loudly singing along to the music she had put on in the background, the same music she always played when you cooked for her. It had been just like every other lazy morning you had spent together.

And like on most days you decided to take off, you two had ended up on the couch, your head in her lap, there had been nothing different in the way her fingers raked through your hair, her nails softly scratching your scalp, just the way you liked it. She hadn’t looked like she was in distress, neither like she was trying to savor the moment, nor like she was looking forward to it ending.

The way she had asked you for a favour hadn’t been any different to how she normally asked you. And when you had gotten ready, there hadn’t been any suitcases or cardboard boxes packed or scattered around, indicating that she might be leaving.

When she had kissed you goodbye it had been a kiss like any other, she had kissed you that way a million times before, and at the time you thought she would kiss you like that a million times more. It hadn’t lingered longer than usual, like she wanted to remember how you tasted or like she was saying goodbye. It hadn't been shorter than usual, like she just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and didn’t actually want to kiss you.

The way she had spoken those three words hadn’t been different either. Even after all these weeks you could still hear the adoration and devotion behind them, you could still see the love and care in her eyes, like you always could when she said those words. She hadn’t said them with more passion or melancholy, there wasn’t any ingenuity or annoyance either.

It had been a normal, mundane day, one you’d had hundreds of times before. There had been nothing special or out of the ordinary about it. You almost wished it hadn’t been so nice, so usual, if instead you had had a huge fight, then you would have had something to blame, a reason for her disappearance.

Now you had been left with nothing but questions, your brain never once quieting down, the sadness slowly but surely turning into anger and determination. You were going to find her, it didn’t matter how, you needed to face her, yell at her, demand the answers she owed you, ask her how she could do this to you, ask her if you really had meant so little to her, when she had meant everything to you.

It had taken weeks, you had called in multiple favours and used every connection you had, but you had finally found out where she was. Iowa… she had fled to Iowa City, of all places. When one of your connections had contacted you and sent you the address, you had asked if they were sure.. the Robyn you knew would never set foot in Iowa, the very people you scammed lived in places like Iowa. But they had checked and double checked and reassured you that they were one hundred percent certain.

It was another reminder that you might not know her as well as you thought you had, another harsh slap to the face as reality hit you once again. You had thought you were able to read her mind, you had been sure of it, you had spent years of your life with her… years she had thrown away one random morning, without an explanation, without a reason, without you seeing it coming… proof that you had no clue who she really was.

You packed your bags and jumped on the first plane to Iowa, determined to get the answers you deserved, you needed, if you wanted even a shot at trying to get over her. Part of you, the painfully hopeful one, hoped you might talk some sense into her, get her to come back home with you. It hoped that you could talk it all out, that there was some logical explanation for this, and that you could pick up where you had left off, without anything changing. The other part of you wanted to scream at her till you were hoarse, wanted to throw every insult you could think of at her, wanted to demand answers, and then shout at her some more. You weren’t sure which side you preferred.

The entire plane ride was excruciatingly painful. It lasted way too long and your thoughts would not leave you alone. Your mind was full of her, it always was, it had been ever since you first met her. At first you had just been colleagues of sorts… you scammed people together, you were partners in crime. That relationship had slowly but surely bloomed into something more, something deeper. You had fallen deeply and madly in love with her, and she somehow had reciprocated those feelings… or so she had claimed, at least. You had felt like the luckiest person on the planet at the time… now you doubted if she ever actually loved you.

Memories of your time together flooded you, from the first cons you had successfully pulled off together, to the evenings you had spent in her apartment, listening to songs, smoking weed, blushing whenever she caught you staring at her, to the night you had confessed your feelings to her, afraid to be rejected but no longer able to keep it all in. You could still feel the way her lips had crashed onto yours when you had finally admitted to having a crush on her. The kiss had been passionate, hurried and clumsy, but perfect nonetheless, all of her feelings towards you becoming clear to you without any words, the kiss speaking for itself.

You remembered how she had told you she loved you one random morning, after you had stayed the night, something that happened often after that kiss. You had stolen one of her boxers and her robe, softly humming one of her favourite songs to yourself as you made breakfast for the both of you. You hadn’t noticed she had walked into the kitchen till she placed the gentlest of kisses on your cheek before breathing out those three words. The way her face turned bright red, the worried frown that had appeared on her face, her inability to hold eye contact, and the way she anxiously bit her lip, were burned into your memory.

You remembered how you had dropped the spoon you were holding as the words reached your ears, pure joy taking over your heart as you realised that the woman in front of you felt the exact same way you did. Before she could utter some sort of excuse you had told her you loved her too. The way all of the worry had disappeared from her face as it lit up with disbelief, joy and love, was something you would never be able to forget, much like the intense and passionate sex you had had moments after. It had been your first time making love, instead of just fucking.

She loved you at some point, she must have… there was no way she hadn’t, she couldn’t have faked any of that, not even if she were the best actress this world had ever seen. You questioned if she still loved you, if maybe something out of her control had happened, if maybe this was salvageable. The same pain that had been haunting you for months had made itself known as you thought about the possibility that she had simply stopped loving you and hadn’t had the balls to tell you, so she had fled like a coward. It was entirely unlike her, she never ran away from conflict, she didn’t see confrontations or conflict as something bad. But then again, you weren’t entirely sure if you could still correctly say what was and what wasn’t like her.

Your mind kept running through every single possible scenario of what might have happened, so by the time you were back on solid ground, you felt worse than you had in days. The all too familiar pain that had been a constant these past few weeks had doubled in intensity, and you felt nauseous when you realised that you were about to confront the woman who was responsible for this emotional anguish.

The entire drive to the address you had been given had been even more hellish than the plane ride, as both parts of your brain fought for the upper hand. A war had been waging inside you, as you tried to decide whether to shout at her or beg her to come home, and neither side had won. So now you were standing in front of the door that separated you from Robyn and from all the answers you craved, unsure on what you should do. You wanted to scream in her face, you wanted to beg her to come home, you needed answers, you needed to be held by her.

Your anxiety spiked and your heart rate rapidly increased, the longer you thought about it, the less you knew what you wanted to do. So you knocked on the door and hoped for the best, whatever came out, came out. You nervously shifted your weight from one foot to the other as you waited for the door to open, tears forming in your eyes as your emotions overwhelmed you.

Your heart sank when a blonde woman opened the door… so it had been the wrong address… you knew Robyn wouldn’t be in Iowa. You sighed as you tried your best to form a coherent sentence when the woman shot you a confused and questioning look.

“Sorry, I’m looking for someone but seem to have the wrong address…”

Your voice shook a little as your heart still hammered inside your chest, disappointment beginning to settle deep into your bones. You hadn’t realised how much you had looked forward to seeing her again till the possibility had been ripped from you once more.

“Oh. Who are you looking for? Maybe I can help, I know most people in the neighbourhood.”

You doubted she could, you were quite sure Robyn wasn’t here, but the woman sounded so kind and sweet and eager to help that you couldn’t bring yourself to just dismiss her.

“That’s very kind of you but I’m not sure if you’ll know her… I’m not even sure she’s here… I mean this doesn’t really seem like the kind of place Robyn-”

Before you could even finish your sentence a familiar voice reached your ears, your heart plummeting even further, the words being stolen out of your mouth. You tried your best to stop the tears from streaming down your face as your heart shattered.

“Sharon? Who is it?!”

There was no mistaking it… that was Robyn… your Robyn… what was she doing here, living with another woman?! Had she left you for her? Was that why she had disappeared without another word? How would she have even met this Sharon? You spent every second of every day together, before she left. Or maybe she had just moved on already? Maybe they had met, instantly clicked, and had moved in together in the span of months… it seemed unlikely but then again, nothing about this entire situation made sense.

You tried your best to keep the rising jealousy at bay. Did you even have a right to be jealous? Technically Robyn had never broken up with you… but her actions had spoken louder than words. The world around you ceased to matter as everything crumbled around you, you had so many new questions and you weren’t sure you still wanted the answers.

You saw Sharon’s mouth move, presumably to answer Robyn’s question, but your thoughts were too loud for you to be able to focus on what she was saying. Before you even fully registered what was happening, Robyn appeared in the doorway, and your hammering heart and racing thoughts stopped for a split second, as reality came crashing down on you. Your mouth moved before your brain caught up to it, your voice sounded strange to your own ears, you sounded cold, almost indifferent, as if you weren’t dying inside.

“I never found those clay figures.”

[davidtennantgenderenvy]

Hopefully the first of many big girl self tapes to be filmed this summer!!!

[droughtofapathy]

"Back to Before" Ranking (part one)

Well, @turtle-down wanted my ranking for the masterpiece that is "Back to Before," so here she is boys, here she is world. (in two parts because, uh, I hit the character limit)

10. Maria Friedman Oh. Yikes. Maybe it’s just this performance, but what the fuck is she doing? What is this choppy pacing and baffling phrasing? Oh no. Oh god, no. Make it stop. What the fuck? Why is it so staccato? Her chin is so far forward. There’s no power behind that belt. I need to leave right now.

9. Caissie Levy She was one of the weakest parts of the NYCC Ragtime gala for me. But this is just about her “Back to Before,” and not her lack of classical training to really pull off the legit soprano songs. For this song in particular, it just doesn’t resonate. There’s a significant amount of straining going on, and you could physically see her fighting for her life on that stage. The crescendo and climax is especially rough, and I just can’t listen to it.

8. Teal Wicks See, I actually think she’s doing too much emoting. So many of the notes sound really nice, but it’s just a little too over-acted for me. She’s sort of stumbling around the stage, and just putting a little more into it than I like to see with Mother. It’s a hard line, conveying the heartbreak and conviction without fully dissolving. There has to be a spine of steel behind it. If I were just listening, I’d be fine with it, I guess. It’s a strong vocal showcase. And she’s got Marin’s mouth.

7. Lea Salonga She starts off with a very bright tone, emphasizing the Rs. Lea’s voice has become richer and more mature in the last decade, so I would love to hear her sing this now. For the 2010s that I’m watching now, it’s good. But it’s not yet her at her full Mother strength. I don’t get the raw power here, especially on the climax. On a side note: I…don’t like the concept of a not-white Mother. It goes against the point of the whole character. And it has these complicated layers of saying that Asian is basically white because it’s not black, and I don’t love that. But I digress.  

6. Elizabeth Stanley I don’t have a performance from the actual production on hand, but I’ve seen her do this song live. And she has a very clear and pure tone to start. There are definite notes of having a strong vocal training. But I don’t know what it is about her cadence and tone that reminds me of Julie Andrews. It’s a great performance. There’s nothing wrong with it, really. There’s not as much power in the climax as others though. And at least from the cabaret performance I saw, she held that money note for a little too long and then sort of deflated on the tone of the final line. It was a sharp contrast to the beautiful start.

[galaxyspeaking]

Why can’t we just stay right here?

[fortunatelychaoticphantom]

I swear to fucking god. I would claw out OneDrive from my computer if I could. I would burn down their servers if I could. I would run down their stocks to the ground if I could. I hope every single one of their workers gets a better offer from a competitor in the next 24 hours. I hope every single one of their light bulbs explodes at the same time. I hope every single carton of milk in their fridge will always be expired.

Stop backing up my fucking files.

Stop asking me to back up my fucking files.

Stop taking my fucking files off my fucking computer.

I don't want a fucking reminder in three fucking days. Let me fucking say no.

Fuckers.

[batcavescolony]

Katniss is such an unreliable narrator. She says "Then something unexpected happens. At least, I don't expect it because I don't think of District 12 as a place that cares about me" girl you deliver strawberries to the Mayor, you hunt and trade for the district, when you fell at Prim being chosen someone caught you, when you went to Prim people parted for you, when you volunteered EVERYONE stopped. Idk how to tell you but I think you're a pillar of the community.

[myfootyrthroat]

I'm sorry, but I'm just too fucking old to pretend that the presidential ticket of "Person who performed some of the first gay marriages in her state while it was still federally illegal" and "governor who created a trans refuge state while other states were making it illegal to transition" is somehow 'jUsT aS bAd foR QuEer pEopLe' as the ticket promising to reverse marriage equality and make trans healthcare next to impossible.

That is such a monumentally stupid opinion that I'm going to have a hard time believing that you're actually that stupid, and I'll probably just assume you're malicious.

[salamispots]

it got turned into a 17" x14" pillow instead haha

[nyenyel]

Putting Mabel through that straight to bi to aromantic pipeline

[madhels-enby-boyfriend]

Back To Before

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Robyn (the roommate) x reader

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, use of strong language.. that’s it I think?

Tags: angst, hurt/the tiniest smidge of comfort if you squint, confrontation, reader being sick of Robyn’s shit, Robyn barely holding it together, reader barely holding it together, some more answers being revealed to reader, a bit of jealousy

Notes: Thank you my friend, @imorynn, for keeping me sane and helping me become a better writer (and sorry for the heartbreak 😅) 🫂

Words: ~4K

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 4

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Chapter 3: ‘We can never go back to before’

You almost felt bad for her as you watched her stand there, at a loss for words, clearly struggling to get anything out. Almost. Until she finally did speak, and it wasn’t an apology that fell from her lips. No, instead she reminded you of one of her many broken promises. Suddenly any pity you felt for her disappeared and was quickly replaced by rage, rage fuelled by the excruciating pain she had inflicted upon you, the anguish that had been festering for months, that had eaten away at your heart till most of it was gone, till you were nothing but a shell of your former self.

That pain and rage only intensified when she reluctantly invited you in, after Sharon had already done so. You followed Robyn inside and bit the inside of your cheek, quickly wiping away the single tear that had managed to make its way past your defenses, as your rage, sadness and hurt tangled into one unrecognisable emotion.

You could vaguely hear Sharon talk, clearly uncomfortable and trying to fill the awkward tension, but there was too much going on for you to pay attention to her actual words. You couldn’t help but feel angry at this woman, she probably had gotten to spend these past months with Robyn. While you had been looking for her, mourning her, trying to make sense of your situation, she had been playing house with her. Deep down you knew it was unfair to blame her, she seemed kind and she had been so ready to help a complete stranger, yet you couldn’t help it, it just wasn’t fair.

Robyn had led you to their kitchen, theirs.. not yours, that stung more than you wanted to admit, even to yourself. You hadn’t been sure what you had expected to find when you finally confronted her, but it definitely wasn’t her happily living with another woman, while you suffered the consequences of her actions. You got pulled out of your thoughts as Robyn pointed to a chair at their kitchen island before sitting on the one on the opposite side.

She asked Sharon to give you a minute, and she did as she was asked, without question. It reminded you of yourself a little too much, blindly following orders and doing whatever Robyn demanded of you. And that’s when you realised you were once again doing as she asked, following her inside, sitting on the chair she had pointed at, she hadn’t even had to utter a single sentence.

Robyn had entangled herself so masterfully with you that even after all these months, even when you were so angry at her that you could physically feel the rage course through your veins, you still followed her directions without a single question, without protest, simply because she had asked.

You clenched your fists and mentally cursed yourself for your compliance. Before Robyn could utter another sentence you spat out your first question. Venom dripped from your words, any kindness or love you still held for her hidden beneath layers of hurt, anger and sadness.

“Who is she?”

The last word was uttered like it was a curse. The coldness from earlier had left your voice, your anger had now taken over, your patience had disappeared, you wanted every question answered and you wanted it answered now, you had no time for pleasantries.

You might have felt bad at the way she flinched, if she hadn’t done this to herself, you had no room left for empathy, not right now, not after the hell she had put you through.

You watched as she tried to find the right words, your fingers digging into your palm painfully as your heart, or what was left of it, thundered in your chest. You weren’t sure if you were ready for the answer, if she really had left you for her… or if she had already moved on to someone new… well you weren’t sure what you’d do with yourself after that.

“My roommate and… business partner.”

You glared at her, trying to figure out what the hell that meant exactly, trying to figure out if she was lying, you were done holding back, done playing her game, you hadn’t ever questioned her before, you had some catching up to do.

“Business partner? Roommate? Are you fucking her or not, Robyn?”

You almost growled the questions, your anger taking the upper hand. Had she really replaced you that easily? If she had no problems in finding a new accomplice then you assumed she’d have no qualms finding a new partner either, you knew how easy those lines blurred.

Robyn seemed to be taken aback by that question, as if the thought itself was utterly insane, as if you were crazy for thinking it, like she hadn’t randomly disappeared one day, like you hadn’t spent weeks searching for her, only to find her living with another woman. Or maybe it was because she wasn’t used to you being so blunt, so crude.

“No! I needed a place to stay and she was looking for a roommate. We just do some simple cons together, that’s it. She’s a friend, nothing more.”

You scoffed at that, needed a place to stay, like she didn’t own an apartment with you, like she hadn’t been living with you for years. You pushed down the hurt you felt at the mention of her doing cons with someone else, you could cry about this later, when you had all of your answers. You couldn’t let your sadness overwhelm you just yet, you needed your anger to give you courage, so you could ask your questions.

“You didn’t need a place, actually, you had a perfectly fine apartment in New York. Which leads me to my next questions, what the fuck is wrong with you? How dare you leave me like that? Was any of it real? Did you ever even love me?”

Your voice broke near the end as you tried to keep it all together, you couldn’t break just yet, you looked down at your hands, no longer being able to take Robyn's teary eyes staring into your own.

The silence that followed was nearly unbearable, it felt like it was trying to crush you under its weight, your pain and despair polluting the air. You had almost given up on ever getting an answer when Robyn’s voice finally broke the silence. She sounded small, her voice wavering as she spoke, as if she had been just as hurt by what had transpired as you were.

“Of course I love you… loved you…”

The correction nearly shattered you entirely, had she really moved on this quickly? Had you truly been that easy to forget? Had she really simply stopped loving you and left? It couldn’t have been something so easy… you couldn’t have suffered all these weeks for that to be the answer. You spoke before you could stop yourself, rage and hopelessness fighting each other as that singular word left your lips.

“Loved?”

Another question, a plea to take it back, to tell you you misunderstood, a plea for clarification, for a reason, an explanation, to make you understand, to help you move on. You forced yourself to look at her, you needed to look into her eyes as she explained herself, no matter how badly it hurt, you needed to face the truth.

“I don’t know how to answer that… I don’t know how to answer any of your questions.”

A confession, perhaps the first truthful thing she had said to you since you arrived, you weren’t sure, after everything that had happened you didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. You searched her eyes, for something, anything. You tried to read them, but you continuously doubted yourself, doubted if what you saw was real, or if it was wishful thinking.. or maybe it was theatre, maybe Robyn was once again playing her part perfectly.

“Truthfully. I need to know… I need to understand.”

You begged her, your voice sounding more desperate than it ever had, the rage subsiding for now as your entire being ached with the need for answers and she was the only one that could give them to you.

“I can’t…”

The rage that had been taking its leave now came back tenfold. You had never asked for anything, you had followed Robyn to hell and back and now you asked this one thing of her, so you could move on, so you could try and live instead of survive, and she couldn’t even grant you that.

“I am so not in the mood for your fucking games. Don’t you think I deserve a proper explanation after everything you put me through? Do you have any idea what these past months have been like for me? Do you know what it feels like to have the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with disappear from one moment to the next, without knowing why? Do you even care that I’ve been living in my own personal hell, created by the hands of the person I once trusted most? For weeks on end I’ve been questioning our entire relationship while you’ve been playing house with this random woman, running random scams in the middle of fucking Iowa of all places!!! I deserve to know why you destroyed my life one random morning!!”

The woman in front of you recoiled, pushing her chair further away from the island, as if you had just launched across it to punch her. For a brief moment you felt guilty, you couldn’t help it, you still loved her, you still cared about her, despite trying not to. Robyn seemed to be mulling something over, you were about to start rambling again, unable to bear the silence, when she finally spoke up.

“You’re right… you deserve the truth… I’m sorry.”

You didn’t miss the tears that made their way down her cheeks, you began to feel nauseous, your emotions were overwhelming you, you hated that you still cared, that despite your anger, you wanted to reach out and comfort her, hold her, wipe away her tears. You took a deep breath, trying to calm down a little, deciding to go with one question at a time.

“How long did you have it planned… before actually leaving?”

It was the first question that came to mind, you wanted to know how blind you had been, how long she had been able to lie to you, how much of your life had been an illusion.

“Two weeks…I found out Sharon was looking for a roommate, called her, got everything in order and then left.”

You gulped, she had fooled you for fourteen days, she had been planning this behind your back for two weeks and you hadn’t noticed. It seemed simultaneously far too long for you to not have picked up on anything, yet far too short for her to have planned all this. You didn’t believe her, she couldn’t have managed to arrange all this in fourteen days, besides who would randomly decide to allow a stranger in their home after calling on the phone once?

“You’re asking me to believe you managed to arrange all this in two weeks? And that Sharon just allowed you in.. after one phone call?”

You raised your eyebrow, you sounded cynical and annoyed. Robyn was clearly taken aback by your disbelief, you usually took her word for it, you imagined she thought you would this time as well.

“It’s the truth… Sharon doesn’t really have great survival instincts… she leaves the back and front door unlocked day and night…”

You searched Robyn’s eyes once more, she seemed genuine… but then again she had seemed genuine the day she left you. A newer feeling joined the ever present and all too familiar anguish that had made your chest its home the day she had left. Jealousy creeped its way up your spine, you hated how well she seemed to know Sharon, how close they seemed to be. The fondness in her voice when she spoke about the other woman added fuel to the fire coursing through your veins.

“Why?”

Your voice shook as you asked the question, your courage beginning to waver as exhaustion settled in. That one word held so much emotion, so much weight, it held weeks of agony, anger, confusion, and fear. The answer to it would probably destroy you while finally helping you understand, possibly ending weeks of torment, of suffering, of not knowing, while potentially starting a new type of anguish.

You watched as Robyn’s breathing quickened, a frown making its way to your face, you didn’t understand. Some questions she seemed to have no trouble answering, others seemed to be causing some kind of inner turmoil beyond your comprehension. It frustrated you even more, you used to always know what was going on with one another, you could read each other like an open book… now she was one of the biggest mysteries you had ever encountered. Maybe you had never been able to read her, maybe you had just thought you could, maybe it had all been projection or wishful thinking, the little voice in the back of your mind added.

“I didn’t want to, I had no choice, I had to keep you safe. The law was closing in on me, on us. They were getting too close to you, and I couldn’t bear the idea of you behind bars because of me. So I left…”

Another wave of pure rage hit you out of nowhere. That was it? That was the reason she had decided to leave you all by yourself, without a goodbye, without you having a say yourself. You had hoped for something monumental, something you couldn’t overcome, something that forced her hand. Not something as insignificant as this.

Before you could stop yourself the words left your mouth, interrupting Robyn mid explanation. Your anger was clear in your voice, momentarily clouding any other emotions.

“You left because of the cops?! We could have outrun them, outsmarted them. You’ve done so a million fucking times before!”

You wanted to understand her, you did, her voice had sounded so fragile and she looked so hurt. But you couldn’t help but still feel like she betrayed you, had taken away your autonomy, your right to decide what you deemed best for your life.

“I left because they were getting close to you and I knew you’d say something like this, you’d insist we could run away, you’d risk everything and I couldn’t let you.”

Robyn tried to explain herself, tried to justify her choice but it only made you more angry, feel more betrayed. You were convinced you could have tackled this problem together and the fact that her first instinct was to run away, to do this on her own like you weren’t a team, stung.

“That should have been my choice. You took that away from me, didn’t even give me a chance to decide for myself.”

Your voice cracked as you spoke, as you tried to calm down your overwhelming feelings, tried to get her to see your point of view, hoped that for once she wouldn’t be her stubborn self.

“I knew what you’d choose, I couldn’t let you make that mistake. I couldn’t let you throw away your future.”

Robyn sounded exhausted, her voice wavered, like she was having more and more trouble believing it herself, like she was starting to regret her choice, unsure of the morality of what she had done.

You groaned, your anger and frustration only growing. You were going in circles, absolutely no progress was being made, you were both just repeating yourself.

“It was my mistake to make!! My life, my choice!! My future to throw away!”

Tears of your own made their way down your cheeks, whether they were from anger, frustration or sadness, you weren’t sure, at this point you didn’t care. You continued before she could reply.

“You threw away everything, our entire life, without even consulting me! You made a giant decision about my future and never even bothered to tell me! You just ran, like a coward, too much of a wimp to even confront me with your decision.”

Your voice sounded much steadier than you felt, your entire body beginning to shake as your emotions became too much. Your own exhaustion was starting to catch up to you, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d had a good night's rest.

“You could have… you could have at least told me you were going to leave if you weren’t even going to let me have a say in the matter. You could have let me say goodbye, let me at least have a shot at getting closure.”

The longer you spoke, the less steady your voice grew. You looked at Robyn expectantly, waiting for an answer. The last remaining piece of your heart broke when you saw more tears streaming down her face. Even now when your entire body shook with how overwhelming your own emotions were, part of you still wanted to reach out to her, to wipe away her tears, to comfort her. But you didn’t because it was no longer your place.

“If I hadn’t left like that, I wouldn’t have left at all! You would have started your speech and at the first plea to stay I would have caved. There was no other way.”

Robyn’s voice lacked any of the certainty it usually held, any fire and passion had been snuffed out, she sounded as exhausted and drained as you felt. Like she was no longer trying to convince you or herself that she had done the right thing, instead simply stating what had happened, what she had been thinking.

“I just… wanted to do what was right for you.”

You had never seen Robyn so defeated, in so much pain, the remainder of your anger abruptly left as you fully allowed yourself to take in Robyn’s appearance. For the first time since your arrival you properly looked at her, and let everything sink in.

Her eyes no longer carried that sparkle you had fallen in love with, the dark circles underneath her eyes indicated that she hadn’t been sleeping well either. She was worrying her lip between her teeth, a nervous habit she had picked up as a little kid. Robyn usually radiated an aura of confidence and certainty, so seeing her standing there so small, so unsure of herself, of her choices, it was equally as unsettling as it was heartbreaking.

“Loved… you said you loved me… past tense.”

It wasn’t a question but it wasn’t a statement either, it was something akin to you putting the last pieces of your heart on a platter and serving them to Robyn, either to be destroyed or to be mended by the woman in front of you.

“You asked if I ever loved you, past tense.”

Robyn seemed to be battling herself once more, opening and closing her mouth as she tried to continue speaking before stopping herself once more. You tried your best to not get annoyed, she was clearly struggling too, but you needed answers, needed more than this comment.

“Robyn.”

It was a plea, for her to be honest, to just speak her mind, to stop holding back. You sounded desperate, hurt, and deep down, buried under a shit ton of sadness, there was a little sparkle of hope.

The brunette took a deep breath before steadying herself and her voice. She sounded the surest she had since you had shown up at her door.

“I never stopped loving you, never stopped thinking about you, never stopped aching, never stopped wanting to come home, never stopped having to fight the urge to reach out, never stopped wondering what you were feeling, how you were doing, if I did the wrong thing. But none of it matters, because nothing in the circumstances has changed… so the outcome will stay the same…”

Her words didn’t have the effect you had hoped they might have. All you knew now was that you both had been miserable, that her decision had hurt you both. You were about to reach out to her, hold her hand in yours when you heard her speak the last sentence. You could feel the broken little pieces of what was once your heart threatening to disintegrate under the weight of her words, the last glimmer of hope threatening to slowly fade away as they fully sank in. You couldn’t believe she was still being this stubborn, she was clearly struggling to believe that she had done the right thing. Why couldn’t she just admit that she had acted foolishly and come home with you? She obviously wanted to.

“Why can’t you just admit you made a mistake?! The only thing keeping you from coming back home is you! We can go back to before all of this happened, if you just let yourself come home.”

You sounded desperate and naive, you knew it, but you couldn’t go without a fight. You desperately tried to nourish that last sparkle of hope, tried to bandage the last pieces of your heart back together again, you couldn’t let go, not yet, not now you knew that she still felt the same.

“Because that would mean that I did all of this for nothing! Broke your heart for nothing, spent months miserable and feeling more alone than ever for nothing, permanently damaged our relationship for nothing! It’s never going to be the same again and you know it. How will you ever trust me again? How are you ever going to believe anything I say again? We can’t go back, I burned that bridge and there is no repairing it and if I admit that that was a mistake, that I made the wrong decision, then everything that happened these past months was for nothing. The only thing I will have managed to accomplish then, is destroying the best thing I ever had. So I have to believe I did the right thing, that I may be miserable but that it’s all for a noble cause because otherwise-”

A sob escaped past Robyn’s lips mid sentence, making an end to her rant as she turned away from you. You momentarily forgot the exhaustion, anger, and all consuming ache in your chest, and quickly made your way over to Robyn, pulling her out of her chair and into your arms. She immediately clung to you and sank into your embrace, her head pressed tightly against your shoulder as she let herself cry.

And for a moment it didn’t matter that you had spent months in agony without answers, or that there was no way out of this mess that Robyn had created, for a moment the only thing that mattered was that you felt whole again, that Robyn’s scent invaded your nostrils once more, that you felt her body pressed up against yours again, her tears soaking your shirt, that you could hear her voice again, whispered apologies in between sobs reaching your ears. It didn’t matter that every sob that wrecked Robyn’s body, felt like a dagger being pushed into your heart, or that you barely had enough strength to keep the both of you upright, because you felt the way Robyn relaxed a little when your arms tightened around her, you heard the sobs quiet down when you whispered sweet nothings in her ear, and you felt the way her hold on you tightened when you had tried to pull back a little to take a good look at her.

You placed the gentlest of kisses on top of Robyn’s head before looking up, praying to whatever was up there to stop time, so it could be just the two of you in each other’s arms trapped in this moment forever, frozen in time, safe from the cruelty of reality and the mess that was your life.

[wishfulsketching]

I have finally finished season 2 of Arcane and can now enjoy your art without fear!!! They should be happy together 🥺

I take it "they" means zaundads because that is what I've been drawing the most BUT, lets be honest, applies to like 98% of the characters in the show.

They should've been a big happy familyyyy

[demaparbat-hp]

Existential Nihilism Squad™

[humming-fly]

I love how Gerald was trying to keep Shadow from spoiling anything about the future meanwhile literally everything Shadow says and does around Maria is the biggest death flag ever

[dimeadozencows]

My personal understanding of the situation

[heph]

The tech guy in movies