#BUT YES OLD MAN TOXIC YAOI SOON

[themanwhomadeamonster]

OLD MAN YAOI SOON

OLD MAN YAOI SOON

[myreallymachine]

Perceptions of Junjou Romantica pt.1

I reread Junjou Romantica.

And I liked it, I know it's a red flag; I admit it, and I don't regret stating this.

Okay, so last Saturday, December 03, between these midnight slumps, moments where everything you consider right starts to be questioned, is that Junjou Romantica came to my head, as a blurry idea.

I listened to the thought and after at least 30 minutes of online research, I found a translation page that updates the Manga, more or less up to date and without spelling mistakes, something that is always appreciated.

Before reviewing (this is going to take a long time) then I think it is appropriate to give the respective credits to this translation group:

Credits for the small screenshots I'm going to post to @hibonbl-scan on Tumblr and link to his page where I read the manga (at least the last few caps):

(in Spanish, bc I'm lazy man. Please see the image descriptions (ALT) to read the English translation of the cartoons)

BTW: This post is a translation for a last ONE.

I read the chapters before act 40.5 in TMO and Manga Dogs; please support @hibonbl-scans in their official pages and do not resubmit the manga to these platforms, because it is a demerit to the hard work that this group does for the readers.

Anyway, I'll stop chitchatting because this is coming for a long time, because it is about the avalanche of thoughts both good and bad, of what Junjou Romantica has meant to my life.

On goodreads I rated my review 4.4 out of five stars but… objectively it doesn't deserve more than 3.

Is Junjou romantica a bad manga?

The short answer is: Yes.

But then why did I score it so high?

Because the moment you put aside the bad time the first few chapters put you through, is when you start to highlight the good stuff.

So, a little context for you to understand the crossroads of my life:

My first BL anime, was Junjou Romantica, like a lot of the people who started watching yaoi. I watched it believing that Misaki, the main character, was a girl.

And I was shocked to realize that there could be a genre specific to gay relationships in anime. At that time, I only watched shojo (I also watched kuroko no basket, but I should dedicate another post to that), my epitome of romance was Adrian and Marinnete's relationship from miraculus ladybug, and I was 12 years old.

If I were to go back in time, I would have said to myself, don't watch Junjou Romantica until you understand that the attitudes Usagi exercises with Misaki are not romantic. THEY ARE TOXIC, THEY ARE WRONG and SHOULD NOT BE ROMANTIC.

I was one of the many girls who somehow approached yaoi believing that gay relationships, in real life, were based on abuse and possession which in manga/anime, looked good, but in real life is BAD.

Well, anyway, back then, as soon as I finished the bl anime page, I read the junjou Romantica manga, but I didn't remember anything, so I decided to reread it.

Current context:

I introduce myself; I'm a 17-year-old Chilean girl, who writes BL fanfiction since she saw junjou romantica. My romantic experience is not null, but the truth is that I've never felt in love. Nowadays, I can clearly differentiate the harmful attitudes of my environment and I can say that I managed to say NO to a relationship that was going to become something extremely toxic.

Disclaimer: the manga is not finished yet. But at this point the ending is pretty easy to guess and almost all the main conflicts are settled, so I don't think my opinion will change with the ending.

Also: Too many spoilers.

With this in mind, I can start commenting: Bring your beverage of choice, make yourselves comfortable because this started long and will go on long.

The plot: Usagi is a traumatized novelist, Misaki a traumatized boy but with a cool brother. Usagi and Misaki love each other. 💕

That the easiest plot summary.

I'm going to start with the good and the bad I'll analyze it later.

My favorite character is: MISAKI 🤧

I give a trophy to Misaki, for achieving this position in my heart. A real shame that within the fandom you are so underrated, all because of Usagi's sexy face. However, I didn't fall for Usagi's charms, and I can say that Misaki is one of the best developed characters I've encountered in manga.

WHAT????

When I was 12 I didn't appreciate it, but now. OMG.

Misaki needs real recognition, and so I'm going to start by highlighting what makes him such a mind-blowing character.

Misaki is an orphan boy, and he still blames himself in his 20-something years for this event, for this very reason is that he grows up to become an insecure man with low self-esteem and even comes to believe that he doesn't deserve to be loved.

It gives me certain vibes of Charlie from heartstopper, but worse.

HOW?

Now they're going to want to kill me, I get it.

Misaki, has all these complexes, besides being an orphan, having clear homosexual preferences that he represses and his older brother who has taken care of him, since his parents died, is getting married and, therefore, Misaki must become independent to not disturb the family environment that his brother will begin to form with great effort.

And I emphasize that bother, because Misaki throughout the manga we see him constantly repressing himself for fear of being a nuisance. He shuts up his opinions, his own desires, for the sake of the other person. He is too humble, so much so that it becomes painful. But Misaki grew up like this, it's the way he lives.

But everything I said, it doesn't end there, because the Misaki of vol. 1 changes too much to the Misaki we meet in vol. 27.

Misaki is my favorite character because we see him grow too much, so much so that I ended up in tears of pride just for him.

In the beginning he is, as I said, a snowball of insecurities, which if not healed, is going to end up getting bigger and bigger. His motivations (at the beginning) are basic: finish college, get married, work, and die. A life scheme that she considers boring, but at least it won't cause problems for the people around her.

Misaki, too, has a big issue expressing his feelings, he gets a mental circuit breaker and runs out of words even though he knows them well. He cannot express what he likes and dislikes; something that also contributes to the misunderstandings that occur throughout the saga

(and which add to the toxicity of the main relationship, at the beginning).

But in the end, Misaki not only accepts that he wants to be with Usagi for life, but is also able to express this clearly to her most important circle of people. He is confident enough in the decisions he makes that he can fearlessly reject people who want to go overboard with him. And furthermore, he brings to the relationship he has with Usagi no longer just as a stereotypical "tender Uke" figure BUT now he does so by supporting the very "super strong Seme" that Usagi is supposed to be.

Exactly. Misaki acknowledges that he's pivotal because without him, Usagi would be dead. At first, he says it as a joke, but now we realize that it's true. That their relationship works for the simple reason that they complement each other like a glove.

This is true love 💓. Because we are into something that is mutual.

Misaki can convey that he doesn't like something, maybe with a little more effort than everyone else; but he CAN. He is a boy who has grown into an adult who intelligently recognizes desires, ambitions, fears, and affection.

He transmits and receives love; in all spectrums of the word. As we see in the last vignette. If you only saw it you wouldn't know who Usagi or Misaki are, because they are equals. They consider each other as equals and respect each other as one.

Do you know how much it took for Misaki to identify herself as someone just as valid as Usagi?

Junjou romantica, to me, more than a romantic story is the journey of overcoming a troubled boy through sincere love. It's Misaki's journey, and how this is just beginning, assuming that it will hurt many times and cost; but with Usagi by her side she will be able to overcome the gaps.

There is a reason why the story begins when Misaki is so young. He is 22 years old, just finished college. That is to say, he has all his life and is going to keep learning. Junjou Romantica is the beginning of Misaki's journey.

My favorite scene with Misaki as the main character is when he talks to his sister-in-law about his relationship with Usagi. That explosion of information and feelings they had inside her for years is something magical. I was in tears from how proud I was.

Maybe it wasn't the best confession, but he told her everything he felt, he conveyed to his sister-in-law all the time he has invested in the relationship with Usagi. That it would be for life.

I was with Misaki, supporting him through everything, hoping for the best. I am amazed at how much he was able to convey with those words.

I felt his nervousness. At that point I was already crying, but I had to take a break when I read the following:

So short. So sincere and so meaningful.

I don't think I need to say anything else. Misaki as the best character in the whole manga. First point finished 😉

Now, I know what they're waiting for.

Who they're waiting for.

Usagi-San.

Is he a good character or a bad character, are his actions justified, should he be forgiven?

First, a little vignette of the men we're here to analyze.

One good thing I should point out: His obsession with teddy bears. That has a charm that's hard to ignore. Seeing a guy carrying a teddy bear all the time is wonderful.

In short; Usagi is a novelist, who has a bad relationship with his family and, in reality, knows little about human relationships. We realize this in the first moment, when he attacks Misaki, just for seeing him meddling in her things.

If I'm not mistaken, Usagi never had a steady partner before Misaki, but I want to sound like there was a thing with Hiroki, but I don't remember too well and, I don't really care either (I'll talk about my complicated relationship with secondary partners later).

Okay, so with that in mind, let's start with the bad stuff, just to get it out of the way.

What's up with falling in love with the brother of your biggest crush?

The younger brother, to boot.

I consider that to be the least realistic thing about Misaki and Usagi's relationship, because we're dealing with a replacement dynamic; which ends up affecting Misaki later on.

However, I think that if Nakamura, had the opportunity to remake the first volumes, that would be something that would change; because it is NOT necessary that in order to form a strong relationship between two characters it is mandatory that one has a crush on the other. Misaki's brother himself, is a living image of this. He never had any interest in Usagi in that way and yet, he considers him as her best friend.

(I will also talk about Misaki's brother later but wait).

The second thing I don't like are the attitudes Usagi has, I'll leave a little sequence, so you can realize this by yourselves.

Context: Misaki is talking to Usagi's family and Usagi appears out of nowhere.

I mean, I know it's a joke, but it gets a little murky when we actually realize that Usagi is the kind of partner who would put her boyfriend on a damn GPS, so she knows where he is.

It's controlling.

Still, we can salvage a bit of the reasons why Usagi is that way, so distrustful even of the person he loves; but I must stress that this doesn't justify his actions either. His controlling behavior stems from how much he has struggled to form stable relationships in the past.

See, in the manga itself we are told how for Usagi, Misaki is the first person to cry for him. We are even told that this is what caught Usagi's attention, how Misaki's empathy was so high that he expressed all the pain that Usagi held back, all by himself; despite the two of them getting along “badly” at the beginning of the story.

That's the word: “Irreplaceable”. The main reason Usagi controls Misaki so much is that he knows that he will never find someone who feels the same things, at the same intensity as Misaki does.

Now, does this justify his actions?

NO, NO AND NO.

Let's not confuse motives with justifications, they are very different things, but that we have to realize in order to understand the characters a little more. Because if we start defending toxic attitudes we will be in front of a red flag, and maybe we should start rethinking what we consider love and respect.

Now, let's talk about being possessive, and we don't have to go too far in the manga for the first signs of this attitude to come to light.

This character, who has been almost forgotten, was Misaki's first friend in the uni, when everyone ignored him.

And, in fact, he behaved as a cordial person with Misaki, he made him feel understood and integrated into that micro society that is the University. He even helped Misaki forget for a moment the insecurities that haunted him because he considered himself as his brother's replacement.

In other words, what I said in the first place. Direct effect.

Now. What ends up happening? That Usagi almost wants Misaki to be his. He stresses this to her on occasions where he tells him that he would prefer him to stay in the house 24/7, or in this house itself. Interfering in Misaki's personal relationships.

The good thing is that they're manga characters, so we're dealing with people who function on a scripted basis, but if the situation happened in real life, Misaki's friend would most likely have turned the other way.

Misaki wants to go out to eat with his new friend, but Usagi refuses because he finds himself jealous no longer that he has friendships, but that he is a man. He hates it when Misaki talks to other people, because in Usagi's mentality, that action in itself expresses a sexual interest on Misaki's part.

Which brings us to one of the first major conflicts.

Misaki, for the first time claims that he wants it and Usagi what does he do?

He represses it.

That contradiction is what I hate most about Usagi, who then later complains that Misaki isn't clear with his feelings, that he doesn't hide things from him, what-the-hell-doesn't-he-do. Dude, you in Act 2, when the two of you, in reality, were nothing, not even an official couple; you silenced Misaki.

How does the situation end? With sex and Usagi imposing himself as someone who has greater authority with Misaki and, therefore, must obey him.

I tried to cut the scene as best I could, because it is very explicit.

Honestly, this accumulation of attitudes is what makes Usagi a pretty despicable character to me.

It's a strong word, but unfortunately his pretty face doesn't help us to save points.

But well, not everything is bad with Usagi. But in order to highlight the good, it was necessary to identify how this character started in the story.

Because what I like most about Usagi, is how he recognizes that his past actions were wrong and tries to repair the damage caused in the future. Without repeating the same mistakes again.

For this we have to get to the beginning of the current arc, which I have called as “Confession arc” where the relationship of both, can no longer continue to be kept hidden and, therefore, Usagi understands that in order to form a relationship that is already “for life”, he can not continue to mistrust Misaki in such small situations.

It's not for nothing that the relationships that last the least are the ones with trust bumps. It ends up tiring both parties, and they fail as fast as they ascend.

So, the situation is as follows. We have Ijuiin Sensai, who is a mangaka that Misaki adores with all his life. He admires him greatly, but the only problem is that Ijuiin does harbor romantic feelings for Misaki.

This triggers several conflicts, as Usagi, again with his trust issues tries to “mark territory” with this mangaka. But this does not end up making Ijuiin himself see Misaki as a more “desirable” target. Following the logic that when you are forbidden something you end up wanting it more.

The interesting thing happens during Misaki's 22nd birthday, when Misaki and Usagi decide to travel and by the vagaries of life, Ijuiin meets Misaki. He confesses to him and even tries to kiss him.

At this point, we realize that Usagi, is watching everything from afar, seeing when he considers it an appropriate time to intrude.

The great thing is, Usagi doesn't intrude on this conversation. He does not decide to show himself, as he is confident that Misaki will be able to reject Ijuiin Sensei without further complications.

I think at this point, Usagi starts to put his toxic attitudes aside, and tries to carefully follow Misaki's actions. Something that is really appreciated, because up to this point, I always felt that Usagi, on certain occasions "happened to carry" Misaki, for and for his own benefit.

This vignette actually has more meaning than you think; it shows us that Usagi, despite being able to have it all, what makes her most happy is knowing that he is able to fully trust Misaki.

It makes him happy to know that the person he loves also fights for the same ideals.

Usagi is not a humble person, but we do not realize how in reality, the only thing he always looked for was that; love. Reciprocal and on firm pillars of trust.

My favorite Usagi moment is this one:

If someone says something similar for me, I would hold on to this one without a second thought.

In this sentence, all possibility of failure is left out. Usagi throughout the manga has shown us that he does not intend, for anything in the world to let Misaki leave his side. He has fought against the ups and downs, for that.

To go through this life with him.

That perfectly condenses the character's purpose and how something as human as living can be made better if shared with the right person. Usagi already met him, and this is Misaki, and he is not willing for anything in the world to let go of him.

The Japanese don't have a particular and defined religion; they actually share traits of various religions they have in their daily lives, and JR as such has never really shown too marked religious references other than the typical anime/manga ones, such as the New Year's celebration. But I could say that this is the first sentence that has such a marked religious meaning.

There are various beliefs of death; the Catholic one is that we ascend to heaven and live in paradise, in others there is reincarnation, Shintoism, where humans become kami.

But the fact that Usagi has referred to “this life” transcends the religious, because he makes it explicit that he believes that in the next life he will be a completely different person.

The great thing comes when we realize that one life is full of experiences and hardships and he is willing to spend it with Misaki no matter what. Usagi believes that when he dies, in the next life he is not going to have Misaki and that makes him make the decision to live his current life with Misaki as much as he can.

Therefore, I consider this to be one of Usagi's best moments, for the simple fact that it tells us as readers that this is his final decision and that he doesn't plan to change for anything in the world.

A true: "Till death do us part".

In short. Usagi gives for a lot to talk about, considering all the background of the Usami family behind, but I prefer to leave this section up to here to go to another point.

The best brother in the world?

As I was commenting throughout the post, Misaki comes as a package, so to speak. In fact, there would be no Junjou Romantica without Misaki's brother.

Takahiro Takahashi.

I'm bad with names, so I'll just call him Takahiro or brother, just so we understand each other.

I consider Takahiro to be too good a person, and you can understand at a glance where Misaki got all the humility from: From her older brother.

Takahiro instilled in Misaki the values of hard work, honesty, and simplicity.

From the very first moment, we realize that this character is completely devoted to Misaki, to the point of putting his own dreams aside to take care of his little brother.

Takahiro is aside from this, the biggest hero to Misaki, as he is always the first person he looked to for a second opinion or support.

However, I consider Takahiro, starting from the last arc becomes such a cool character that would lead me to rank him as one of the best siblings I've seen in manga.

Starting with the point that it is not too common for the main characters to have siblings.

THIS CARTOON IS TOO CLEVER.

Takahiro's main flaw is what you see up there; he still sees his younger brother as a child, who is not ready for the adult world. His wife tells him. That Misaki is no longer a child, that he should start seeing him as the independent adult he is.

This of course is going to reflect a shock to Takahiro, who has always sought for Misaki's welfare. Fighting for this with blood, sweat, and tears; defending Misaki from the obstacles that may come his younger brother's way.

But this made Misaki end up, in a subjective way; drowned.

Takahiro is overprotective, that's his biggest problem. Misaki is too important to him and for that very reason, he would like to be aware of everything that happens in his brother's life. He faithfully believes that he knows Misaki too well and trusts that Misaki could never hide information from him because Misaki, in one way or another, is "indebted to him".

Misaki, however, believes that the best way to settle that “debt” (which is the time Takahiro invested in Misaki's childhood), is to get away from Misaki. Letting his brother live a solitary life; with his own family, while Misaki tries to live the best life possible.

Now, clearly they will remain close siblings. I really love the brotherhood between the two because it looks too sincere.

On the other hand, let's have the conflict that occurs when Takahiro discovers his relationship with Usagi and his reaction.

IT WAS SPECTACULAR.

Because it was realistic, he didn't accept everything at the first time. He even gave a look of pure hatred to Usagi, who is his best friend, and took his little brother elsewhere.

I feel, somehow or other this is no longer about gender. Takahiro doesn't care about the issue of Misaki being with another man, but the simple fact that Misaki has managed to make a person who is not him, become someone precious leaves him too shocked.

I feel that if Usagi were a woman, the same reaction would happen. Takahiro doesn't understand how this guy was able to get Misaki to express his likes and dislikes with such conviction, something that even he couldn't achieve.

This hurts Takahiro, because he hates to know that despite all the effort he made, Usagi managed to bring out a part of Misaki that even he, as an older brother, did not know. It is hard to assume and for that very reason he is perplexed.

Also, there's no denying that he even feels guilty, since it was thanks to Takahiro that Misaki stayed to live with Usagi and, consequently, the relationship was established.

Which brings us to this other thing:

I applauded at this moment.

Simply spectacular.

Are we in front of one of the best sentences in the whole manga? I think so, because in this sentence Takahiro shows us that even he himself feels guilty of what Misaki has suffered.

He knows that one of Misaki's shortcomings is to apologize even for breathing, besides being aware that the reasons for this behavior are a result of the difficult childhood he had. And more than that, is the issue that Misaki is never going to feel totally “forgiven” for the death of his parents; we all know that they passed away from driving fast because Misaki was sick and this fact ended up marking Misaki for life.

Takahiro is aware that the weaknesses Misaki has are because of that. He never expresses what he feels for fear of a similar situation happening again due to a need of his, he apologizes for everything and tries to cope with difficulties too great for anyone.

The simple fact that Takahiro told Misaki that if he has a conviction (love for Usagi), he should hold on to it, is extremely important. Because it is the biggest gesture in which Takahiro realizes Misaki is letting go of that feeling of guilt little by little.

Now how does it affect him to know that his best friend betrayed his trust?

One image speaks for itself:

You know what? The fact that Takahiro hit Usagi made me infinitely happy. Partly because it was the punch I wanted to give him in the first few chapters, but in another because it seems like a very human reaction to me.

Yeah, I guess I'm a fan of human reactions.

Now, let's understand Takahiro a bit. He fully trusted his friend, for Misaki to study in the desired university; no one would ever think that your best male friend would end up with your little brother, who is the light of your days.

In Takahiro's own eyes, Usagi took advantage of Misaki; of Misaki's shortcomings when he was still “innocent”.

Something he's not entirely wrong about because coff coff first chapter coff coff.

At this point Takahiro would feel too guilty if Misaki's relationship leads to having painful consequences for his little brother, because he somehow “introduced” Usagi.

I love that Takahiro has told him that he will never forgive Usagi if she hurts Misaki, because that makes family a priority for Takahiro and that no matter what, he will always support Misaki. He treasures him, and as he has continuously repeated; Misaki is his greatest pride.

Anyway, Takahiro of my favorite characters 💖

-✦───────────-✧

Choice of favorite chapters/moments pt.1:

To no one's surprise, I consider the best scenes to be from the 3rd season equivalence of JR's anime.

So I'll give a brief description of the situation, my feelings, and the importance in the plot.

Misaki's 22nd birthday.

It is not difficult for me to infer why this moment is transcendental. First of all, there is the simple fact that during this moment Usagi understands that the fundamental thing is the trust he must build with Misaki and, on the other hand, there is the mere fact that it is a birthday celebration.

Birthdays, although they may seem stupid to many people, are actually something all too human that people do to get closer to each other. It celebrates one more year of the birthday boy or girl's life and wishes for many more.

Misaki's 22nd birthday, marks the beginning of the last arc, where important issues end and begin; such as college and the Usagi/Misaki relationship is put into further question by Misaki's older brother.

Marbles

It happens during Misaki's 22nd birthday itself, but I consider it a beautiful moment to ignore.

Basically, Misaki teaches Usagi that with marbles you can make 3 wishes and Misaki later realizes that she made the same wish as Usagi.

This makes it clear how such a simple custom as making wishes on marbles can actually have a big impact on a person's relationship.

Without a doubt, Misaki always surprises us with how much he makes us feel, with things as simple as that. Nothing extravagant, just sincere love.

Misaki realizes that he wants to live with Usagi.

Then Misaki's older brother starts to pressure him, saying that it is no longer appropriate for a boy, who is finishing college, to continue living as a “kept man” in Usagi's house.

In this context, Misaki is forced to spend a weekend with his brother and family, realizing how much he misses Usagi.

This chapter is actually very important, as something rather peculiar happens. We know that Misaki's older brother is one of the most significant people in her life and, despite having lived with him all her childhood, we realize that the four years or so that he has lived with Usagi have been enough for Misaki to no longer feel comfortable living in her older brother's home life.

Misaki realizes how much Usagi is missing in his daily life, how such a small action as spending a couple of days without each other is already too much.

They will say it's dependency… But I would call it.

Coexistence.

Misaki no longer sees Usagi's apartment as something foreign to his life, before it even felt uncomfortable. Now, he sees that place as the home he needs to recharge his strength. Misaki now realizes that he no longer wants to keep lying to his family about his reasons for living with Usagi.

Misaki wants to live his life with Usagi, in that home that the two of them have been forming little by little.

Clad in fond memories and overflowing emotions.

Which ends up triggering the following vignette, which I decided to include at this point because it is a direct effect of the above.

Bonus: Misaki with kiki.

I include this bonus because it is too adorable. It makes for a total icon. Just that, Misaki with a bow tie is the best. It's in these moments that I understand why Usagi is so crazy about him.

Who wouldn't be!!!

-✦───────────-✧

Honorable Mention:

Okay, this is the third ending of the anime and my favorite song of the anime. Simply spectacular. I highly recommend not only this song but all the Luck Life songs that are available on Spotify and on YouTube itself.

Now, a brief analysis of the song and its relationship with JR.

This is Misaki's song.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why I like it so much.

I could imagine Misaki in a karaoke singing it to Usagi. Because the song reflects how hard it is to express what he feels.

Even if I can't find the right words/ I want to tell you/ 'Cause just wishing won't change a thing./ I can't put it well,/ But I'll pour my heart into this voice/ So don't laugh - just listen.

This refrain aside, it reminds me a lot of the marble episode, how Misaki wants to be with Usagi forever. Sure he wants it, but even so he knows it won't change anything, so he decides to pluck up his courage and take the bull by the horns. He realizes that he can no longer be ambiguous or delay the inevitable.

Me pregunto si tú también/ tienes noches en las que piensas en mí.

We go back to the chapter of Misaki spending the night at his brother's house, feeling devastated at not being with Usagi. We all know that Usagi also felt the same way. In itself, I think this perfectly reflects the comfort level they have reached.

In this changing world, with the two of us unchanging/ You'd be by my side.

I have analyzed it throughout the post, but in short this is the main goal of the characters. To stay by each other's side forever no matter how much the world changes, even if they get older, even if there are new conflicts.

To stand by each other and face the modern world that changes without waiting for anyone. No matter what happens, Misaki wants to face that future with Usagi.

Do you see how much can be extracted from such a great theme song as this one?

┊         ┊       ┊   ┊    ┊        ┊��°•

┊         ┊       ┊   ┊   ✧｡˚    ✦¤

┊         ┊       ┊   ✫•○

┊         ┊       ✦°•

┊✦°   ┊

✧ °¤    ┊ .  ˚

˚✩

Okay, so Tumblr won't let me post so many images and this is getting too long. I can say that this is the end of this first part of the exhaustive analysis of Junjou Romantica.

I'll be glad if you tell me if you share my opinion, if you think there's something I left out or, by the way, I'm wrong. I tried to make this publication looking at various perspectives and from a rather critical point of view, although, clearly, there are many things that I was influenced by due to my preferences.

In the next part I will continue with my favorite moments, I will talk about the secondary couples, I will make my predictions, I will also say other things I don't like and conclusions. If you have any suggestions or want me to take any specific topic from the anime/manga, in the next post.

I'll be happy to elaborate on it!

I hope you liked it! If so a reblog and a heart is appreciated.

[venusluvrr]

The Psychological Horror Manhwa “Killing Stalking” is not a Romance, but an Emotional Series Depicting the Codependent Relationship Between Two Ill Individuals

Content Warning!!: contains mentions of sexual abuse (rape) and mental illness.

Killing Stalking is an immensely twisted webcomic series, mainly popular within the Yaoi community for its boy on boy focused plotline. The story follows characters Yoon Bum (Bum), a shy, scrawny young man with a haunting past filled with abuse, and Oh Sangwoo (Sangwoo), a younger man who also has a quite damaging upbringing but masks it perfectly with his vibrant, extroverted personality. After being saved from a rape attempt during his time serving in the military, Bum develops a crush on his saviour, Sangwoo, from which an unhealthy obsession starts to arise and he eventually finds himself locating and breaking into the man’s home one day when he’s out. When he does, he discovers a terribly injured woman being held captive in his basement, and with further evidence, soon comes to the realization that his crush is actually a serial killer -- hence the name “Killing Stalking,” as Sangwoo kills and Bum stalks. For a very specific reason though, Sangwoo decides not to kill the man that had been stalking him, and instead holds him hostage in his custody. From here, the story goes into exceeding depth of the abnormal, toxic, and manipulative relationship the two form during their time spent together. By just the mere description of it, it’s a bit concerning to know that a large portion of readers still support Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship. In other words, they believe they truly loved each other and that the story was not only horror fiction but a romance as well. One could easily come to this conclusion by basing their relationship on the few parts within the novel where they showed affection towards each other -- for example when Bum allows Sangwoo to hug him to sleep when he suffered through the night, or my personal favourite, when Sangwoo buys Bum a stuffed frog keychain after finding out that he had an affinity for such creatures. But we cannot simply dismiss the underlying factors of their relationship because of some cute things they did that made our heart melt -- Sangwoo still abused Bum at his leisure which makes those moments quite meaningless in the sense of it all. What Sangwoo and Yoonbum shared can’t be classified as “love,” because even with their peculiar bond and endearing moments, the psychological damage they both endured played a bigger part in the way they perceived each other.

Many toxic relationships start out lovely and glamorous until the couple have become comfortable enough to start revealing some bad habits, but in Sangwoo and Bum’s case, they were already off to a bad start, as the reason they remained with each other was solely for reasons pertaining to their poor mental health.

At the time Sangwoo saved Bum in the military, Bum still suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) -- a disorder he inferrably developed due to the fact that he grew up being constantly physically and sexually abused by the people around him. People with this illness may easily develop an infatuation for a person who shows them even the least bit of care; It can reach the point where they begin to idolize them and see them almost as a perfect human being -- which is exactly how Bum viewed Sangwoo after he helped him to escape a rape attempt. The likely specific term for what Sangwoo was to Bum is a Favourite Person (FP). To an individual suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, their FP is everything -- their self-worth, identity and emotional dependency all rely on this one person, making them the center of their lives. In contrast to this sincere fondness, the only reason Sangwoo kept Bum alive was because of the man’s resemblance to his late mother -- the one person in his life who he truly loved. While his father was abusive and negligent, his mother tried her best to care for her son even while her own mental stability wasn’t so great either. Even though it was implied that he was responsible for the murder of both his mother and father in high school -- getting away with it scotch-free because of how perfectly executed his plan was -- he still shared a special bond with the woman, allowing her existence follow and continue to torutue him mentally as he grew older. When he saw Yoonbum, he felt as if she had been somewhat resurrected, or at least he could pretend so by dressing him up in his mother’s clothes and making him cook and do the chores; He also played the husband role by abusing and assaulting Bum just as his father did to his mother -- mostly just out of his own nature. Sangwoo had his own issues, “mommy issues,” and he initially needed to keep Bum alive so he could fulfill his own longing desires. Knowing the man’s character though, things wouldn’t end there and instead headed down a very gruesome and frightful path.

The very reasons that the two were drawn to each other we’re even more evident the longer they lived under the same roof. While Yoonbum continued to recall the perfect image he had of Sangwoo in his head, Sangwoo continued to manipulate the man in order to satisfy his own needs. A healthy relationship cannot be based on deceit, because one person will end up victimized instead of loved.

Oh Sangwoo is a sadistic sociopath with a history of kidnapping, abusing, raping and torturing innocent people, and because of his illness, he shows feels and shows no remorse for his actions and even proceeds to kill off his victims as they pleaded in objection. What some people don’t understand is that when Sangwoo met Bum, the only reason he treated him differently was not because he thought of him as special, but because he had a personal agenda that included making Bum think that was the truth and that he was indeed the favoured victim among many. It’s no surprise with the man’s manipulative personality that he would enjoy planting a lie in Bum’s head to make him stay and continue to do as he says, and this is confirmed whenever he returned back to his old destructive habits even after showing the man acts of affection. Yes, Sangwoo spared Bum’s life, clothed him and fed him, but as their bond grew, his narcissistic attitude was still more apparent than ever.

Upon meeting Bum for the first time, Sangwoo didn’t hesitate to aggressively break his ankles to prevent his mobility, he left the man within the dark confinement of his basement for a certain period of time before letting him out only after he had gained his trust. He made him sit in a chair to wash dishes and make dinner because he could no longer stand. Sangwoo also constantly dragged Bum down with derogatory words and statements every chance he could get, this included calling him a “retard,” and referring to him as a “disgusting” and “filthy” human being. As confirmed by the author, Sangwoo is also heterosexual, which is further proved by the homophobic remarks he made towards a significantly older man who was sexually attracted to him while murdering him with Bum’s aid. This fact alone is another one that should justify a strong point that demonstrates the true hostility of their relationship -- Yoonbum never gave his consent to have sex with Sangwoo, nor did he allow it to happen because “he wanted it.” He specifically used phrases such as, “No,” “Stop,” and “It hurts,” implying that sometimes there was no mutual agreement when they had sex and Sangwoo had actually raped him several times.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder have been reported to have difficulties seeing the faults in their partner -- this explains why Bum still held on to him. He chose to stay when he had the chance to escape, and with tears rolling down his face from excruciating pain he still told Sangwoo he loved him. In a scene where Bum is left alone with the police as they investigate the suspicions they have surrounding him, he questions them saying, “Could you kiss somebody like me? Could you love somebody like me?” As he believes nobody but Sangwoo could answer yes to those two questions, convinced that Sangwoo really does have feelings for him. It’s saddening to know that the poor man had successfully been lured into a trap, and because of his mental health it would be much harder for him to realize it.

To the readers that think, “Sangwoo and Yoonbum needed each other,” -- You’re not completely wrong. They did need each other in the way that they found somewhat of a saneness from each other’s presence, each using one another to each other’s benefit. But being together at the same time built on their insanity, as the presence of Sangwoo’s mother seemed to grow even more prevalent with Bum, who resembled her, also in the picture, and Yoonbum growing so unhealthily attached to Sangwoo that he constantly feared of abandonment and turned the sociopath into the only source of his happiness. They needed each other, but not for the right reasons. They were attached to each other, but there was no love, otherwise it would reflect throughout the story. One of the most debate-worthy scenes that challenge this fact is when Sangwoo is reported by an old lady in the hospital, the one that had ended his life, that he was calling out Bum’s name throughout the night as he lay in his deathbed. Those were his final words, and Yoonbum’s final word was also Sangwoo’s name before he was very well implied to have been hit by a car while he chased an illusion of the man he “loved.” Even I almost felt that this was solid proof that even through the tough and terrible of their relationship, deep inside, the two really were in love but could not express it in the right way due to their mental health issues -- after all, what someone makes of their final moments before death is much more meaningful than most of what they've done in their life entirely. But I came to realize that the only way I could support this relationship would be if they had met in an alternate universe where they did not suffer from such dreadful childhood trauma that made them into the hurting individual they had become before meeting each other. As difficult as it is for me to picture the two with different partners, it would be best if the two had not met at all as they only fed into the severity of their conditions.

[pak-pak-suhgar]

Lost One

Pairing: Johnny x Jaehyun

genre: angst, happy ending at the end.

Summary: In which where Jaehyun caught Johnny and Taeyong on their bed. With Johnny on top of Taeyong— topless. How did the two older guys got into that position? Jaehyun doesn't know and Johnny doesn't either, leaving the younger in a broken heart state.

A/N: My first yaoi fanfic on this blog and my first johnjae fanfic as well. This was written on phone so sorry for the mistakes. English isn't my first language either so I apologize for the grammatical error! Happy reading~

Johnny and Jaehyun has been dating for almost 4 years. Yes, you heard it right. They've been together for whole fucking years. So, why is it one of those times now where Jaehyun has to see an unpleasant scene before him? He stood at their door, frozen in his spot. Both guys haven't realized his presence not until he accidentally chokes out a sob. Johnny looked back, ready to glare whoever it was that interrupted them only to have his eyes widen. He immediately got off of Taeyong while the other older guy sat up. Panic was plastered over their face as Johnny quickly dresses himself and sprinted his way towards to Jaehyun. Ready to explain whatever bullshit he could come up with.

Jaehyun remained on his spot, unmoving but his eyes were avoiding the taller one's who was now grabbing both of his arms. Jaehyun was emotionally drained- exhausted, numb. His feelings was all over the place that he doesn't know what to feel, "Jaehyun.. I can explain... It's not what it looks like-" Slap! Jaehyun could feel the excruciatin pain on his palm the moment it landed on Johnny's cheek, "But it is what it looks like." he replied spitefully, as much as he wanted to sound emotionless and harsh. He was too hurt to even try to sound like one. Jaehyun doesn't want to hear Johnny's explanations, so he swatted the elder's hands and made his way towards their shared closet. He grabs his bag and began to put all of his stuff or whatever he could grab from the closet.

This put Johnny on alert as he stood behind Jaehyun and held his wrist in attempt to stop him, "Baby, what are you doing- where are you going?" he bombards the younger with questions. Jaehyun doesn't bother to reply as he only prys Johnny's hands away, when he settled most of his stuff. His eyes were bloodshot red, he looks at Johnny then at Taeyong who couldn't look straight in his eyes. He wanted to shout at both men and tell them off. But he decides that they aren't worth it, so instead pushes Johnny out of the way and left their room, "Jaehyun- baby, wait!" Johnny calls out but Jaehyun never turned back.

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A few weeks had passed since Johnny has last seen Jaehyun, he couldn't contact him either and he was worried sick. Jaehyun wasn't in the dorms, that was alarming. Johnny had tried to contact Jaehyun's closest friends, but none of them spoke about the younger's whereabouts. Or at least they wouldn't out Jaehyun just like that considering of what he did to Jaehyun. Johnny runs his hands through his hair in frustration and punched the wall, Taeyong who had witnessed the scene came up to Johnny and held hos hand, Johnny pushes him away and glared at him, "Don't fucking touch me! I-It's all your fault! Jaehyun is nowhere to be found and our relationship is at stake!" Taeyong could only scoff before glaring back at the taller male.

"If you could have had kept your dick in your pants and didn't allowed yourself to get seduced by me, you wouldn't be in this situation, Johnny. You put yourself into this situation." Taeyong says, before he leaves Johnny alone. He remained speechless and unmoving in his spot, what Taeyong said was true. Johnny wasn't able to wait for Jaehyun that he just let his emotions eat him up and control him to give in to his desires. Jaehyun had been fairly busy with his drama film that Johnny barely saw Jaehyun- let alone have sex with him. Whenever Jaehyun comes home, he was dead tired and would knock out the moment he sleeps in their bed. Johnny blames himself from everything that happened. He was afraid, he was scared- scared to death that Jaehyun will leave him for good. He sat on the floor and hugged his knees as he could do nothing but cry his heart out hoping that the pain will fade somehow.

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"Sicheng, I really can't bother you and Kun hyung anymore.. I'm sorry for crashing in but thank you for letting me stay." Jaehyun says, looking so apologetically at Sicheng. The male could only snort and waved his hand in dismiss, "Jae, you're always welcome here. Are you sure you can go back? Are you ready to face him?" Sicheng asks, concern written all over his face as he looks out for his friend. It took Jaehyun a few moments before nodding his head, "Yeah... I have to go home. I can't run away from it forever." he replies, he could feel the tears pricking his eyes but he blinks them away. He had been crying for weeks and his eyes honestly hurt a lot. Sicheng nodded his head in understanding, sighing at his friends' demise before giving Jaehyun a pat on the back, "Fine, but if you wanna come back. You're welcome to." He reassures with a smile, to which the younger returns happily. They hug one last time before Jaehyun went back to the dorm.

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A loud banging woke Johnny up from his sleep, he groans at the noise and flutters his eyes open, "Come in." he says in a groggy voice before sitting up, Haechan slammed the door open as he ran towards Johnny, "Hyung. Jaehyun hyung came back home last night" with the information that Haechan spit out, Johnny became wide awake as he looked at Haechan, "J-Jaehyun? Where is he? I need to go see him." he says, almost wanting to fly towards wherever Jaehyun is, "In his old room! At the 10th floor!" Haechan shouted before Johnny disappeared into sight.

He wasted no time going upstairs and instantly inputting the passcode to the dorm, thankfully no one was inside so he invited himself in. He didn't think twice to barge into Jaehyun's room, his eyes searching for the man everywhere and when it landed on the figure. He felt like he could breathe again, like suddenly the air that was knocked out from him came back. His gaze softens as he looks at the man who was peacefully asleep. But his heart breaks when he realizes that Jaehyun may probably break their relationship off. It explains why he went here instead of going back to their bedroom. Of course Jaehyun wouldn't want to be reminded of what happened in that room.

They made so many good memories but also made the most hurtful one. Johnny was about to caress Jaehyun's face when the younger suddenly woke up from his sleep, he suddenly sat up and moved away drom Johnny, making Johnny's heart break into pieces, "What are you doing here?" Jaehyun was the first to break the silence, sucking in a deep breath as he looks everywhere but Johnny, "I... I know it's too late but I wanted to apologize." Johnny said, pausing for a moment and waits for Jaehyun to respond. When the younger didn't, he assumed that he gave him the chance to explain now so Johnny began doing so.

"I.. I let my emotions get to me. You were just so busy that we barely had time together.. When was the last we had sex? Whenever I took the initiative, you'd brush me off. And whenever you're back in our room, you knock out. I know you have drama filming but you didn't give us some time together-" Johnny was cut off by the loud scoff that Jaehyun made, the younger finally looks at him. And he felt his heart break as he sees the tears in Jaehyun's eyes. "And that gives you the excuse to fuck Taeyong? He seduced you and you give in? Have you even thought of me when you let your 'so called emotions' eat you up?" he asks, Johnny couldn't speak and this made only Jaehyun snort. He was right, it's no excuse for him. It's the end, Johnny thinks.

Jaehyun took a deep breath before finally speaking, "Look.. I know, we haven't spent much time these days.. I was planning to take you out on a trip because we finally finished our last filming. As soon as we finished, I came back as early as I could, John. That day... I planned everything out. But you- you and Taeyong hyung..." Jaehyun couldn't continue to speak as he chokes out a sob. He harshly wipes the tears away before covering his face with his hands, Johnny couldn't take the scene anymore and ended up pulling the younger in his arms. Hugging him flush to his chest as he sniffs in Jaehyun's scent. God knows how much he missed holding the younger in his arms like this, Jaehyun didn't bother pulling away.

When he felt the younger calm down, Jaehyun pulls away and wipes his tears. Johnny dreaded this moment, the silence was triggering his anxiety when Jaehyun kept his mouth shut. He was anxiously waiting for the younger to speak and when he did, he cut Jaehyun off. "Johnny, I think we should-" "No!" Johnny imemdiately declines, startling the younger male. "No... please... don't.. I... I don't-" "You don't wanna make up?" Jaehyun asks, tilting his head innocently. This caught Johnny off. He wasn't breaking up? "You won't... break up with me?" Johnny asks, hope fills his eyes, Jaehyun blinks at him in confusion before slowly nodding his head. "I won't... you hurt me, John. But when we first dated.. I told you no relationships are perfect.. and so is ours.. However, I can't really forget about this. But, no matter how painful it is.. My love is still stronger. I just needed a break and to gather my thoughts.. Breaking up with you crossed my mind and I debated over that for a few weeks that I was gone." Jaehyun says, biting his inner cheek as he confesses his feelings out. "But, I realized that my heart will always long for you, it will always love you. Because you are my soulmate, Youngho. I could never leave you."

And maybe, even if things do get toxic. Jaehyun will be too much of a martyr person to ever leave Johnny. So, they eventually make up and try to patch their relationship again.

Johnny kisses Jaehyun's forehead as he held the younger in his arms, "Thank you, Yoonoh.." Jaehyun tilts his head and glances up at Johnny, "For what?" "For not becoming my lost one."

[ridleytheknight]

Parker Luck Part 1

This is going to be a little different from what I usually do… but dammit if I haven’t fallen in love with Peter Parker Angst and Tony Stark being an overprotective Iron Dad. I love it. I love it too much. Don’t worry thought starlings! Langst will still come! I will only add to it! (Maybe some Ereri one shots too. If it’s yaoi, or angst, it will be full game on this account!) I hope you enjoy!

—

           Honestly, where ever Peter did something, it was all in, or nothing. It was either done so seamlessly and so well, you could mistake it as mastery or art. Or he failed so bad it was like a bard rolling a one on a stealth check. A complete failure.

           He would stop a robbery, either coming out unscathed and looking amazing while doing it, or he barely managed to stop the robbery, limping awkwardly away with multiple bruises and sometimes if he got lucky enough, broken bones. Those were the nights he had to play doctor and set his own bones without telling Aunt May- there were only so many times you could claim you got mugged before people start wondering if everything’s alright at home- and then it would be rinse and repeat for the next crime he stopped.

           School, he either was perfect. Grades all hundreds, nothing phasing him at all, gym going pretty well, and he was able to sneak under Flash’s radar and come out fine. Melting into the scenery and lockers like a ninja and making it out with not a hair out of place. Other times. He scraped by with nineties, gym kicking his ass, and Flash making him a public spectacle of humiliation. Multiple times per day.

           And the most unpredictable and inconvenient give and take. Secrets. Either, his secrets stayed in the dark for many years. Never to see the light of day even to Aunt May. Or they stayed under loose wraps, slowly unraveling and choking Peter in a tight hold. The lies wrapping and shoving their toxic words down his throats and trying to expose as much of themselves as possible to the truth and light. Slowly gaining attention from the ones he cared about until he could get it under control again. Shove it into the dark. Nothing’s gotten away from him yet. But honestly. Things never stayed away forever. And that terrified Peter.

           But through it all, Peter always had one. Consistent. Constant. Little thing.

           Rotten luck.

           That’s probably what true to god ended him up in this situation in the first place. Sitting in a hammock made of web on top of his apartment building and going through his head on how long he could make twenty dollars last on a New York City street.

           Honestly, he didn’t blame Aunt May. Not at all. Not one single piece of him did. Her nephew was staying out at night, coming home rarely and at all hours. Usually acting suspicious and weird-from his hidden injuries-. Acting skittish and jumpy, as if something were coming to get him constantly, never explaining anything to her, and always waking up in the middle of the night clammy, shaky and pale. Mouth wide in a silent scream that never leaves his lips. It wasn’t a surprise to him that she’d think up theories to her beloved nephew’s behavior.

           It was a surprise however when she accused him of being on drugs and kicking him out of the house until he proved her could “get clean” or explain himself to her; why he was going and doing this to her, their family. And Peter honest to god did want to tell her. More than anything. The secret itched and bubbled underneath his skin. Begging to be told. But guilt and worry kept it down. Now, Peter was sure that if he tried to explain himself it wouldn’t make things much better. After all, what Aunt/Mother figure would believe something that would go a little like this?

           ‘Hey Aunt May, the reason I’ve been lying to you for almost a year now is because I’m sneaking out to fight crime in the dead of night with inhuman abilities given to me by a spider bite on a school field trip and web slingers I made in chemistry class. I also have a multi-million-dollar suit from Tony Stark as part of the internship I got for doing this. Do you know Spider man?’

           Yeah, that would go over well. It would more likely end him up locked away in some rehab recovery center or a mental health care facility than get him home. Which was not good his school work or the ‘internship’.

           Though, it might be a little bit warmer in the rehab center right now. His body shuddered, curling his limbs closer to his chest and huddling into his little homemade hammock on the roof and him and May’s apartment building. At least it was only spring, May wouldn’t be mad forever, she would take him back in soon. She always did. When things got bad like this she only disappeared for a day or two. This time it was his turn to stay away he guessed. But she’d let him come home soon after she cooled off.

           If she didn’t cool off soon though… Peter wasn’t going to think about that. May wouldn’t leave him out forever. She wouldn’t let him go hungry and cold on the streets. May was good to him, she’d let him come back in a day or two and everything would get sorted out. Right now, Peter just had to survive temperature sensitivity -along with his other enhanced senses-, a heightened metabolism, and twenty dollars.

           Rotten luck.

           Luck wasn’t a lady; she was the old lady that smacked you with her hand bag.

           At least he had twenty dollars though. He’d gotten lucky to find it just blowing in the wind as he went on patrol. Otherwise he would have had to just pray May let him come home, beg if he had to. Though, begging might make it worse. Peter knew when he could press his boundaries. Now, he knew it was like the times before May and Ben. Stay at arm’s length and cross his fingers.

           The anxiety and worry was melting away as the seconds ticked by though, sluggishly crawling into acceptance and drowsiness as the night sky and familiar sounds of traffic sunk into his body. Pulling his eyelids to droop, trying to make them shut tight on him. Urging his tired and overworked body and mind to take a breather, make a plan to sort things out in the morning. And it honestly sounded like a great idea. Peter giving into it and just praying for one night with a dreamless sleep. He was tired enough to not dream anyway.

           He should have realized he couldn’t be that lucky.

           Loudly blaring and vibrating against his chest, Peter felt like he’d been electrocuted as his body jolted him awake and alert at the stimuli. Slapping him awake with a shot of adrenaline, wiring him so any sleepiness danced away from even his farthest-reaching fingertips. Peter contemplated ignoring and rejecting the call. It was tempting.

           But what if it was May calling him back?

It wasn’t very likely, but that didn’t mean Peter’s hands didn’t struggle getting his hands on the old flip phone to hit the answer button, desperately pulling it to his ear. Almost hearing her voice, the moment, he answered and his voice spilled out a few words before he could even stop them.

“Aunt May?” A deeper and rougher tone than her soft voice exited the phone speaker right after the words had been said. Making Peter internally curse at himself as the realization hit him that May wouldn’t call after only two hours. It was stupid of him to assume that.

“Nope. You disappointed kid? Either way, you’re supposed to be home by now, don’t you have a curfew? A curfew I’ve painstakingly made for you?” There was an amused tilt to his voice that made Peter’s lips quirk up and his chest to fill up with some warmth. A soft chuckle bubbling up in his chest. Tony Stark.

Oh shit. Tony Stark.

His nerves lit up like a firecracker in his body. Exploding and causing tingling worry all the way to his slightly numb toes. Perfect or a failure. Either he was going to be about as see through as a window, or he will be the door that blocks everything. Well, time to make up an excuse on the fly. Luckily, he had a little practice with that, maybe he had a chance with not looking like a stupid whiny kid on the phone with Mr. Stark.

           “Am I hearing the silence right? Is Mr. Peter ‘Golden Boy’ Parker breaking the rules,” A sarcastic gasp. “I never thought the day could exist.” Peter snarked back.

           “Haha, Mr. Stark, but I am home.” On the roof of May’s apartment building. So not a lie yet? Technically? The hammock would be his home for a small while anyway too. And the tracker couldn’t tell heights. It didn’t have an altitude check yet. Peter would have to make sure to get Ned to help him disable that if that ever became a thing. He was sure Ned would help him out without questioning it. Much. “I’m just waiting for May to get back, why? Do you need me?”

           The excitement in his voice was fake to his own ears, but he forced it through his throat anyway. Forced himself to try and do his nervous word ramble, but a sentence was all that would come out. A bad try was better than nothing at all. Anything was better than nothing honestly at this point. But he was hoping that it really wasn’t anything. He was tired, confused, and definitely not stable enough or in the right mind set to be the wild, quipping, friendly neighborhood everyone knows and loves.

           Spiderman was just not going to come out though. Not naturally at least. Peter just crossed his fingers that he wouldn’t have to force that out too. Forced wit was never as funny natural jibes. Not to mention Tony could read him like a book when he was Spiderman.

           “Hold your enthusiasm, but yes, I may only slightly need your help in tuning up with suits with a few concept designs. So, are you free this Friday? Happy can come to pick you up, the subways are way too slow. And seriously? Does it really take two hours to get here from Midtown?” Peter nodded with a small laugh.

           “Yeah it kinda does. But yeah! Friday will work, that work great!” He should be back with Aunt May by then. She never stayed angry or left him alone for longer than two days. And it was only Tuesday today. Yeah, he’d be fine. Nothing would happen to him in such a short amount of time.

           “Good, see you then kid. Don’t die or do anything I would do until then.” And Tony hung up the phone after Peter bid his own farewell and Peter couldn’t put the phone down. His chest constricting and his breath hitching as the old anxiety crept back in. Surprising Peter when he realized just how much better even the short conversation had made him feel. And how easily the loneliness clawed back into his skin as the silence settled in. Peter shook the thoughts out of his head and just squirmed deeper into his hammock, phone pressed around his chest as his arms curled around it protectively.

           He’d be fine. He could hold out for a day or two. May always left and she was always fine when she came back. And he was what? Fifteen? He could take care of himself for a couple days, it wouldn’t be that bad. Peter swallowed down the pit that sank into his stomach, it burned uncomfortably from his torso to his throat and chest. A stark contrast to his cold skin. His heart thrumming and threatening to leap out of his chest. It was almost painful. Peter took a deep breath. He’d be fine.

           Probably.