#BUT YEAH why my dysphoria telling me i don't want a face or legs or a torso

[zincbot]

robot body when

[whatudottu]

Welcome one and all to my version of the party's loopified designs, featuring my many broken bones and blood stains I especially put into Odile who I tackled second unlike the alphabetical order that I have presented here! I'll have in-depth discussions on each designs and matching practice portraits under the cut but before that-

Siffrin 'barely taller than a preteen' no middle name no last name Loop is still barely taller than a preteen but now that preteen can claim fire to their height!

Alphabetical order GO!

Bonnie, who I've been calling Bonfire (which if that ends up being their name I can imagine Bonnie calling them 'Fire' while they call Bonnie 'Face' to match), was the last of my designs because frankly I knew from the start what their design was going to take influence from and also knew I was going to draw fire :P They were based on bonfires (of course) and also specifically the Burning Man effigies just for a humanoid figure, plus being a chef cooker and a campfire and also a very heated expressive person.

Their flames are hot but not actual wood burning so the Favour Tree (and Mirabelle in the height chart) are not at risk of combusting, they're just incredibly bright-

Isabeau my first design, with influences from @basilpaste 's Lock (with a dressform body) and @nullapophenia 's original version of Husk (the faceless identityless sketch), I have combined them both to make a mannequin it/its loopified design that finally gets to be capital T Tall all for the low low price of being Changed against its will and suffering another bout of body dysphoria that it can't fix anymore :) :) :) When I was referencing mannequins I actually noticed how long their legs actually were let alone how they were perma-stuck in that Barbie-like highheel pose and thought why don't I just curse Isa with something he previously wanted :P

Something something Isabeau actively Changed not only his body but his personality to become someone he wouldn't be ashamed of, yada yada Loopsabeau is back to hating itself and has started to become a person it despises to match (also like a mannequin it's head and arms are technically painlessly removeable :P)

Third in order and third in design is Mirabelle, who technically is the only loopified design with technically hair and clothes, but the hair are the tangled roots of the Favour Tree and the clothes are like the carved hardstone statues of religious figures :P Initially my Idea for Mirabelle was to make her kinda like her statue, with the wonky expression of someone who made it without much mastery over details, not to pit anything against Mira, no, no. Thought about maybe abstract statue design but I couldn't find a version I liked but I did always imagine her statue being weathered in some way, there was a reason why I saved her for third I couldn't pick what I wanted. But then I remembered the broken Change God statues, thought about the 'blessing' that ended up being a curse, and then thought about overgrown weathering and gave her the roots.

I actually looked up Black hairstyles and mostly wondered what specific hair texture Mirabelle had (she wears it in a fro of course, but she has flyaways that aren't coils, but she described her own hair as kinky and :P) so that if I were to mimic hair with tree roots I can get an appropriate matching hairstyle (settled on megatwists). Hah, if Mira has 4C hair, considering how long her hair actually looks, if she to wear her hair in twists she might actually have elbow length hair :P

I spent 8 non-consecutive hours on Odile can you tell? Can you see my hands bleeding my wrist breaking my eyes drooping? Yeah so Odile was again, my second design and it took me a week to recover, and she's a combination of gem and mirror suit with all the little fragments floating around her the 'diamonds' that represent all her family members party plus the ones she originally had in sets of 2. I also put geodes where parts of her body have broken off (inspired by how when the King strikes she can't move, plus also being a glass canon) where when I was actually drawing those geodes that they kinda use the Change symbol?

Circle within a circle within a circle, regardless of how wiggly it is, and at the centre is a cluster of crystals. That was an accidental reference to Odile's mixed heritage but hoo boy what a connection! Her missing pieces are a combination of 'being too old for this' fragility and also 'i didn't want to render more mirrors sue me'

Anyway I am going to put my wrist in a cast and imagine loopified party members with their pre-wish counterparts :P

[havinghorns]

I've thought a while about the anon ask who asked stuff about passing and "posing like a girl" (and you pondered after it what specificly are the things that would make you or someone not pass as a man)

I hope this does not cause you distress, but I think its something fundamental about the shape of your face and shape of your body from head to toe that in many peoples minds must clock you as a "woman", and sometimes posing and feminine things emphasize that. Some roundness in shapes and proportions that human brain cannot really unsee.

Which is fine I mean I do still see your style and how you express yourself and the way you look as very gay and masculine. If I didnt know better and just saw some picture, I'd propably think you are a really muscular gay woman. There are some pictures where Id propably say I am looking at a man.

There are some things we are born with that we cannot escape, some people who transition have more passing looks than others from the beginning. I dont know if you pass as a man in your daily life or not and will or can it change or not but what I do want to say is that either way you are really cool, dont let those things ever get in the way of your art and self expression and you being you. I know dysphoria and the pain and anxiety it causes wont just magically disappear like that but I'm still going to tell you that youre great as you are.

I guess this is hardly an "ask" but something that has lived in my brain for days.

I gotta say Anon, I'm not...entirely sure why you sent this? Like it's not hurtful but I also don't really understand the point. I feel vaguely patronized here but I'm going to just assume the best that you're...trying to help?

I mean...yea I know that LOL. I'm not delusional--I'm 5'4", I have a very round face and big legs, a high voice and a not particularly butch way of standing/walking/emoting/speaking. People just day-to-day probaby do often see me as a muscular woman, and like, if it's not someone that I need to interact with regularly, that's fine, who cares? It hurts no one (not even me, really)

When I say I'm interested in the things about me that maybe read as more masculine/feminine, it's not like...so I can change these things, or even to really identify them for myself. I just think it's interesting on like, a social level. Like at a certain point it's hilariously reductive--literally nothing else I've done has changed "ma'am" to "sir" then cutting my hair really short because that's just how society's brain is wired. But I like long hair so...it stays.

Any interest in "passing" really comes down to being vaguely masc enough that all the dudes trying so hard to keep their eyes on their own dick in the restroom don't catch enough femme vibes out of the corner of their vision to start a fight TBH.

And uh. Yeah no it hasn't stopped my self-expression or art or anything for...yeah 35 years now so I think we're good?

[yummygender]

Shigiraki x Reader

Sub!Shigiraki x Dom!GN!Reader

You're having a very dysphoric day. Unfortunately for you, Tomura is being a little brat and you have to deal with it.

Trigger warnings: Gender dysphoria, pegging, Daddy/Mommy kink, begging, praise kink, bratty sub, spanking

You slammed the door close, earning a jolt from Tomura who was sitting in the kitchen, Kurogiri quietly cleaning the counter.

"Geez, can you be any more loud?" Tomura sassed.

You ignored him, ruffling his hair. Tomura growled at the touch.

"Don't touch me, bitch!" He snapped, his bandaged hand banging against the table.

You froze in place, shocked by his snarky behavior.

"What was that?" You asked, making sure you're tiredness wasn't making you hear things.

Tomura stood up and headed upstairs, shoulder checking you as he stomped upstairs to your shared bedroom. You took off your coat and followed him upstairs.

"Tomura?"

He ignored you, laying down on the bed as you sat at the end.

"Tomura."

"What?!" He snapped, glaring at you.

You rubbed his belly gently, earning a whine from him.

"What's wrong, baby?"

Tomura whined, kicking his legs. You crawled on top of him to stop his from kicking, earning another whine. This time, it was much louder and obvious.

"Tell me."

"Y-you dummy Mommy!"

This hurt you, considering that you've been having bad dysphoria lately. You sighed, letting go off him.

"Mommy?"

Nothing. You were tired and frustrated. Man, woman, nonbinary, nothing. You felt nothing. You felt like a human. A tired, dysphoric human. You only snapped back to reality (Oh! There goes gravity!) when Tomura flicked your nose.

You grabbed his wrist, digging your nails into him. Tomura squeaked, slightly horny.

"Don't."

Tomura growled, making you snap as you threw him over your lap. He squeaked, squirming underneath you.

"Do you need a spanking, mister?"

He continued to kick his legs, making you sweep your leg over his as you pulled down his pants and underwear.

"Tomura, you do realize that we've been together for about a year?" You asked, rubbing his back.

Tomura stayed silent.

"Tomura?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you ok?"

He returned to silence, gripping to your pants.

"I don't wanna talk."

"Baby, what's going on?"

"I want attention."

You began to spank him, not stopping the assault.

"Well, you got it." You joked.

Tomura groaned, spreading his legs.

"Mom-er...um..."

"Daddy'll work."

"Daddy~"

You chuckled.

"Good boy."

He moaned softly as you continued to spank him.

"Daddy, P-please peg me..." He begged, kicking his legs.

You chuckled, laying him on his back as you rubbed his belly.

"Good boy, taking the spankings. Don't worry, I'll keep you safe." You whispered, praising him.

Tomura moaned, biting his lip to the point he drew blood. You wiped away his blood, kissing his forehead as you stripped to your underwear and slipped on the strap-on.

"Shhh...it's ok baby, just strip." You whispered, rubbing his belly.

Tomura quickly took off all his clothes, quickly grabbing the lube from his bedside table. You smiled sweetly, grabbing the lube from him and applied it to the strap-on, slowly lining up.

"Thank you, baby. You're such a sweet baby boy. You're such a cutie pie." You whispered in his ear, thrusting into him.

Tomura moaned even louder, his face pure red.

"Do you like it when I praise you, baby?" You asked, still thrusting.

Tomura aggressively nodded, gripping to the bedsheets. You chuckled, kissing his neck.

"Aww, you're so cute. You're doing such a great job. You can let loose. It's ok to scream. It's all ok. I promise."

Tomura began to shake, screaming and flailing his arms.

"God baby. You're such a cutie. You're my cutie. You're doing great. Keep it up, Tomu-chan."

"Daddy, I'm gonna cum! C-can I cum? Please?? I-I'll be a good boy! I promise!"

"Why were you being bratty?"

"I-I was in a lot of pain. Please let me cum! Please? Please?" He begged as he hugged the pillow.

"Aww...are you going to keep begging?" You joked, rubbing his back.

"Y-yes! I-I want you!! Please Daddy?! Pretty please?! Please?! Please?! Please?!" He begged.

You chuckled, thrusting harder.

"Good boy. Good job, baby."

"C-can I cum? Please?! Pretty please?!! I wanna cum! I wanna cum, I wanna cum, I wanna cum! I WANNA CUM!!!" He begged, gripping to the pillow.

You continued to thrust, massaging his back.

"Go ahead, baby. You're a good boy."

Tomura came, his body fiercely shaking as you pulled out. You laid down next to him, rubbing his cheek.

"Good boy."

[bookshelfmonkey]

So, I've finished my reread of Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White.

This time round, I tabbed a bunch (by that I mean, a metric fuck-ton) of quotes.

Because I'm an english lit student at heart, I'm going to list them here, with a bit of (likely incoherent) analysis where it seems fit.

Hell Followed With Us spoilers ahead. These quotes are in order of when they appear in the book, so read as far ahead as you want.

"'You awake?'

'No'"

Honestly this just reminded me of a book I loved as a kid. We're starting with a light one

"'I'm super trans. Like, an honestly heretical amount of trans. Why?'

I've never met another trans person before."

This took me back to when I first found my community and started to feel a little less alone.

"Make them suffer."

Revenge.

"Shedding my insides out one orifice is more than enough"

"Thanks for the brain rot, Mom"

"Being autistic was just another thing his parents could hold over his head, could carve into his skin as they reminded him what a failure he was."

"he digs his palms into the rough carpet until his skin stops trying to crawl off his body"

Meltdowns. Gotta love 'em.

"His leg is still bouncing, but it always does that"

Despite this being one of my more "socially acceptable" stims, I still get a lot of shit for it. It was nice to see it mentioned in a book.

"and even with Erin, he finds himself trying not to be too autistic"

"Being transgender is who you are. The pain is what happens when you and the world go for each other's throats."

Although I still experience a lot of dysphoria related to my physical form that I still think I would experience if I was never again perceived by another human, a lot of my dysphoria and suffering comes from what the world has done to me. It took me a while to accept that.

"The lengths she's going to in order to avoid saying autistic is admirable"

Yeah, I hate it when people do that. Autistic isn't a dirty word. I also appreciate people not revealing that to others without my consent. It's a difficult line to walk.

"'It's okay to be scared,' he says.

I say, 'I'm scared all the time. I'm tired of it."

Yeah. This is definitely an attitude I get in response to my mental health and I hate it.

"dysphoria had to wrap its hands around my neck and hold me down, baptism in drowning, before I faced the fact that living as a girl would kill me long before the angels did"

"How dare you imply I'm heterosexual. I am disgusted and appalled."

"My dysphoria burns. I'll never get to have that. I've come to terms with it, sure, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."

"It's harder for someone to pin you down as a girl when they need a moment to pin you down as human"

"I've always been his boyfriend, his fiancé, his future husband. Always Benjamin. Always me.

All that gets reduced to an elegant, 'Gayyy.'"

"Everything hurts. I want to take handfuls of my face and pull it off."

This feels like a metaphor for dysphoria.

"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."

The raw power of some of these lines.

"it is a relief to let go of the wrong pronouns. The actual ones are a blessing because they are the truth, and as much time as Nick spends lying, the truth is beautiful."

"I open my mouth to speak but can't"

"it's helpless, I never asked for this ... I'm a kid, and all I ever do is ruin things"

"'I don't know how to tell if I like someone. I don't know how it works, and I don't want to be wrong.' He says, 'I don't know why you would like me, I don't understand.' He says, 'There are no rules for this. It scares me'"

I can only hope I will find someone who understands this. In the meantime, I have this book.

"I will be good. I will make the angels fucking suffer."

"Do you believe in God?

- I do, please stop, there's so much blood"

"Nick told me that 99 per cent of lying is just figuring out what the other person wants to hear. He said it's what the Angels have always done, and I laughed because otherwise it would have hurt too much to acknowledge"

"I will be good, I will be good, I will be good, and I will feel far worse things than this."

"Hell has followed us onto Earth, and I am the monster that has brought it forth."

"We are alive, we are alive, holy shit, we are alive."

Thank you for listening to this TED talk.