#BUT I GET TO USE MY HEADMATE RIGHTS TO SAY THAT THIS ONE ISN'T ALLOWED TO BE DELETED.

[napstabl00k]

just as a fucking note, cc is a hypocrite because, sure, we had those issues and did all that bullshit where we were sad and scared and stuff and we hate all that now. but it isn't like they're not embarrassed of their issues either. they're literally MORE embarrassed of their issues. i TALK about mine. openly. happily. i'll punch my issues in the fucking face. cc will wait until they feel way too bad to keep it in and then put it in a place where people don't have to see it an then Literally Can't afterwards.

ohhh godd i have problemssss. whatever. cc you have mental illnesses and bullshit and whatever and you do your best to never look sad?? fucking weirdo. i don't like talking about when i was sad and scared because i'm not anymore. i'm confident and awesome and shit.

anyway we're going to bed. they're going to delete any evidence of having been sad in the morning and we both fucking know it. bitch

[plural-affirmations]

(you can totally leave this til whenever you have time honestly I need to get it out of my head as much as get feedback tbh)

Am I a bad person for breaking up with the old hosts boyfriend?

So. When we discovered the system, before I split, old host (we'll call them M) had a polycule of three people, a boyfriend (A) and a agender partner (K). When M felt ready they explained everything to A and K and let a few headmates introduce themselves. K was really nice and understanding, it didn't quite get the entire concept of plurality or fictives (which we have plenty of) but it was friendly and it's been great about asking questions to understand us better and even now still reads resources we send it for stuff it doesn't quite get.

A, uh.. Immediately started cracking jokes about our fictives. He was calling Shoto "knock off Zuko" and telling him to 'roast marshmallows for him', and threatening to send.. Italian mobsters.. After Hitoshi? Because 'Hitoshi is what Mario does to make Yoshi stick his tongue out'? M and Keith, our gatekeeper, both told him to knock it off, and he wasn't as outwardly bad for a while, but still didn't really interact with anyone else much.

Fast forward a bit and M went dormant, I became the new host. K was confused but understanding, it never made me feel bad for being here when M wasn't, and it still to this day talks to us plenty. (M is back but isn't allowed to front at home for reasons, we schedule dates sometimes where it can spend some time with them outside now) But A kind of just. Started acting really weird.

I don't remember a lot of the details here so sorry if it gets fuzzy.

I am an alterhuman in headspace, I was me one day and the next I woke up with cat ears and a tail. Still not sure how that happened but I've embraced it. A started making.. Not entirely safe for work jokes about it. That made me uncomfortable but he never really apologized? He also called me "the cat" like, in a very distant dehumanizing way?

He also uh. Blatantly misgendered someone, repeatedly, and then never apologized because 'his profile picture makes him look like a girl'.

I know there was more but it's all hazy. Eventually Keith sent him a long message that he had to start taking this stuff seriously and that he was treating us like a goofy game and not someone dealing with a lot of trauma that was struggling to hold everything together, told him he had to do some research and learn the ugly side of our disorder and stop acting like we're playing pretend. K directly offered to answer questions and help him figure it out better during the same conversation. But he basically ghosted us for a month after that, never said anything, never reacted when we tried to talk to him, just totally shut us out, so finally I messaged him like, "look I'm sorry but this is too much, I can't handle you in our life right now, I know I'm not M and maybe only they can dump you but as far as I'm concerned I don't want you around" and kicked him from our server/blocked him a few places. That was a few months ago and apparently he ghosted K at the same time, even though they were also dating and we never asked K to pick sides or stop seeing him?

Literally everyone I've talked to about this says I did the right thing and that it's his own fault for not being a safe person for us and not wanting to learn, and even typing it all out, I know I'm better off with him gone, but I can't shake feeling guilty. I didn't really choose to be host, the brain just kind of shoved me forward when M left and I had to roll with it, but I can't stop this feeling like everything I'm doing is destroying M's life and making everyone else miserable. I also had to cut off a friend that flat out fakeclaimed us, even though they'd been friends for years.

Idk I just feel like I'm a placeholder and eventually M is gonna want their body back and I'm gonna have completely torpedoed everything about their life.

(This is going to get long, apologies in advance.)

Hey, it's Solo typing right now. I was host for the first half of the year, and I had some really similar feelings about messing up Nix's life too. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Short answer: no, you're not a bad person for breaking up with him, he sounds like a complete asshole.

Long answer: you deserve to have someone in your life that'll treat you better than that, especially for (I'm assuming from context clues, sorry if I'm wrong) having traumagenic and/or disordered plurality that you quite literally cannot control. The jokes he made were extremely far out of line, and also super disrespectful, in my opinion.

That's not even touching on the fact that he was told at least once to quit, and decided to?? Fucking ghost you??? Nah, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I'm really sorry if that comes across as rude. It's just, I hate seeing people like you being mistreated just for being a system. It's rife with ableism, it's hurtful to you, it's just... unacceptable. And he probably knew damn well what he was doing, because people who are actually decent wouldn't have left you in the dust as soon as they were called out for being awful.

Now, as far as the being afraid part... I relate really, really strongly to that. That's why I chose to come out and answer this ask, actually. Because, I wanted to tell you... you're not doing anything wrong.

I'll spare you the time and unnecessary details, but TL;DR is that Nix desperately needed a break for about a solid 6 months. So, I split, and I was immediately thrown into the driver's seat.

The entire time, I felt exactly the way you do. "What if he comes back and hates all the things I've done?". That sorta thing. But, it turns out, when he came back... all the changes I had made were for the better. I cut toxic people out, I went to therapy, etcetera. So, despite my fears, he was actually really, really appreciative and happy about it.

I can't guarantee things will be exactly the same way for you guys, but I do want to say that -- at least from where I'm sitting -- you're making changes for the better, too. Even if M comes back and doesn't necessarily agree with everything you've done, I don't think anyone can fault you for genuinely trying your best with what you were given, considering the circumstances.

Basically... give yourself some credit. It's going to be ok, and everything is going to work out eventually. That much I can promise.

Sorry this got so unbelievably lengthy, I tried to cut down on it, but I had a lot of thoughts. Please feel free to come back if you have absolutely anything else you want to add! You're always welcome here. ❤️

🖤💜💙💚💛

[sophieinwonderland]

hi sophie! i hope this isn’t asking too much but i need some support right now in terms of potential tulpamancy!!!

so i am in a DID system and we are polyconsious. i have been interested in tulpamancy for a while but i know my headmates don’t want to get into it, which is totally fine!! but i still want to do it personally, separate from them.

i’m wondering if it’s possible and safe for me to have my own tulpas that are just mine. like, our system is one circle, and then inside that circle there’s a circle named “M and their tulpas”.

and if i do get far enough to have tulpas, i don’t want them to be in the innerworld. i want them to be in my own wonderland, not in the innerworld. again imagine the circle thing !!!

i hope this made sense :( im kind of struggling because i really want to have my own little project but i know it could maybe effect my system and i don’t want it to. i just want it to be mine.

thank you so much for your time!!!!

-🪲🎮

Hi there! Thanks for the question!

Can you?

It sounds like, essentially, you're wanting to make a subsystem consisting of yourself and the tulpa with your own Wonderland that's separate from the larger inner world shared by the rest of the system.

So here is the good news. I think what you're asking is absolutely technically possible. If subsystems form naturally, making one intentionally through tulpamancy is definitely something that you could potentially do.

But just because you can do something doesn't mean it will be successful. Which brings us to...

Will you?

This one is much trickier. I don't think many people have tried what you want before, there are no guides on how to do it, and no statistics to say how likely it is.

Some things people say you can do are things that not every system will be able to achieve.

You could make a tulpa, and that tulpa could decide that they don't want to be isolated in your little pocket anymore. They have free will. Would you be able to keep them isolated if they wanted to interact with the rest of the team? I doubt you would once they are fully developed. And even if you were able to...

Should you?

I don't like the idea of making headmates without the rest of your system on board. It feels like you should convince them first to let you try, because as you say, this can affect the rest of the system and you don't know for certain what the outcome will be.

You've already thought of that.

But another thing I'm thinking is... how would I feel if I were created in a system, learned that there were all these other people in the system and a whole other inner world beyond my own... and then I'm forbidden from interacting with them or visiting that other world?

Would I be okay with that? Or would I feel lonely and isolated where I am? Why am I, essentially, being treated as a lesser headmate just because of my creation?

I think, from the tulpa's perspective, they deserve to be allowed to interact with the rest of the system they're brought into and explore as much of the inner world as they'd like just as you can.

My advice:

I wouldn't start unless your system agrees. They don't need to be involved in the creation if they don't want to, but make sure they're okay with it and that this isn't going to be a source for conflict.

After that, while you can start by interacting with the tulpa in your own Wonderland, make sure they know they have the option to leave if they want to. Give them the same freedom as other headmates.

If your tulpa doesn't want to interact with anyone else, and doesn't want to explore the rest of the inner world, that's completely fine. But they deserve to make that choice for themselves.

[darlingvhs]

[ none of this is @ u !!! it's @ my ex lmao they fucking suck ]

first of all, stop it with our fucking fp. stop lying to them and stop hiding the fucking truth from them them. youre literally lying to them about us, using them against us because, why? youre so fucking obsessed with me??? genuinely your obsession with me is fucking uncomfortable and weird. get over it. we're over you. get over us. i mean hell this is seriously fucking weird, contacting our fp to turn them against us??? thats so creepy?? and anika. anika fucking LET someone tell her that she should cheat on her FUCKING PARTNERS just because they weren't comfortable with the idea of fucking having children. not to mention it was a fucking sysfaker and she didn't give a single god damn fuck. she shit talked her lovers because they weren't fucking comfortable with the idea of having children how the actual hell are you going to fucking excuse this. let me guess you don't fucking remember this because for us, this was a traumatic memory that fucking scarred bunny and avery and for you it was just ANOTHER FUCKING TUESDAY. and hell you pressured us, literally every single one of your fucking lovers into fucking having kids because you're so fucking fixated on them its borderline creepy. hey maybe that's why you were fine with dating someone THREE YEARS younger than you. you pressured children onto us, syskids, when you knew good and fucking well how uncomfortable it was for us to talk about having kids. and the fucking ageplay and petplay. it all fucking started by val calling dusk mommy. did it not? 3008. bathtub ceiling. val called dusk mommy. they were so fucking uncomfortable but they didn't want to say no to val, they were fucking OBSESSED with val. then it all fucking went downhill with you encouraging jaxx to fucking groom age regressors. and yeah I'm sorry for splitting on you so much, im sorry for the rage episodes and the yelling and how toxic I was, and getting mad at you for not caring for me. but I genuinely just wanted to feel like having needs wasn't equal to me being a fucking burden, but I guess it all equaled out and I was a burden, yeah? thank you for proving to me that I'm just not fucking allowed to want to be cared for and feel loved. thank you for fucking proving that I have a reason to be anxious. hell I didn't even really need you I just wanted to fucking feel safe with someone because I don't do well without a cg. but no matter who or how I asked nobody was ever fucking available. maybe I really was just a fucking burden to you, is that right? and oh my god none of my headmates were ever available because a, they were actually busy, b, they were dormant or c they were fucking stressed out by YOU. I just wanted to feel like someone actually wanted to care for me, that i wasnt a burden having wants but I guess that was too much to ask for, yeah? and yes your headmates babied the FUCK out of you. you could never do anything wrong, you were so innocent and cute and so uwu and needed to be loved. your headmates PURPOSELY cared for you and loved on you despite how uncomfortable I expressed I was. Its like they were purposely trying to make me feel jealous, like they were purposely trying to make me feel like I wasn't fucking enough for you.

and god damn it now my fp likes you. I get it they have bpd and they're attached to you, fine. but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IM SO MAD AT THEM AND IM SPLITTING AND AGHHHH. I want to tear them apart limb by limb because holy fucking shit they SUCK. and their headmates just pass off my fucking anger because it isn't their fault, they can't help their fucking attachment BUT HOLY SHIT THEY'RE DEFENDING THEIR HEADMATE BEING ATTACHED TO MY FUCKING ABUSER. I get it they're attached BUT WHAT THE FUCK?????? YOU HAVE PROTECTORS WHO TRIED TO CUT US OFF FOR LESS. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING????? I MEAN HELL LMAO YOUR HOST TRIED TO CUT US OFF BEFORE CUTTING OFF SOMEONE WHO FUCKING ABUSED PEOPLE. what THE FUCK. I'm just splitting and I realize that but holy fuck these emotions are so very fucking real and they are KILLING ME.

[ u don't have to keep this private but pls don't post with any public tags. I don't want my fp or ex to find this and get mad at me. ]

- 🩹

[didwho]

Hello! You mentioned looking for more info about labels and stuff, so, if you're interested, here are a few things we've personally learned from several years as a "Origins Are Weird And Confusing" system who has been in therapy for A While at this point, in case they're useful to you: - you deserve whatever support you need, regardless of origin or dx or anything else. Therapy, friends who listen to you and support you, academic or workplace accommodations, the right to be unhappy and having a shitty time--you don't have to prove anything to be allowed to want/have those things. - trauma is a subjective experience about how your brain processed something difficult--not about whether the events were 'objectively bad enough to count', because there is no externally defined threshold. (There are certain types of negative experiences that are statistically very likely to be traumatic to the average person, but that absolutely does not mean that only those types of experiences "count".) - if you are experiencing lasting negative impacts from something that happened to you, 1) there is nothing you need to prove in order to be 'allowed' to get support for it; 2) anyone telling you that it wasn't bad enough to affect you is wrong. (This is true even in contexts completely unrelated to syscourse, btw!) - DID in specific is predominantly associated with chronic trauma/adverse experiences during childhood. However, if you have struggles with mental health issues and feel like a system, your options are not just either "100% Definitely DID" or "You're Making It All Up". Whether the label that happens to fit you and your experiences best is DID or any other label (OSDD, MaDD, PTSD + system, "stuff is shitty rn" + system, "who even knows", etc.) is between yourselves and the people on your support team--it's not the business of internet discourse randos trying to tell you whether or not you're valid. (Besides, figuring out what labels fit you best often isn't actually easy or obvious right away, for any number of reasons--including the fact that sketchy and/or 'muted' memories of awful experiences is a big part of many CDDs--and that's okay. Really. You get to figure stuff out at your own pace.) - you are allowed to use/benefit from CDD management strategies and ways of thinking whether or not you have one. (People without ADHD can use bullet journals. DBT isn't just for people with BPD. Etc. If it helps you, the important part is that it helps you.) - don't let the haters get you down. (There are folks out there in syscourse with complex and nuanced opinions, legitimate critiques of communities, etc.! And also, there are sometimes people who just want to be 'allowed' to feel hateful towards someone, aren't in good faith, and aren't interested in listening. What those people think of you or say about you Does. Not. Matter. They are howling at the moon.)

Good luck out there <3

thank you so so so so so much for the kind words!! i preach all of the same things yet sometimes its hard to believe it for yourself, so i genuinely really appreciate the reassurance.

i am looking for a label as of currently because i dont really know whats what, yknow?? its hard for someone like me because despite preaching all of those things, i struggle to understand what defines trauma!

a lot of my headmates tend to agree we do have trauma, but those who dont tend to feel very strongly about not, so it kinda pushes that positivity away!

it really sucks to be both your own supporter and your own enemy at the same time (not calling my headmates enemies its just the best way i can describe it)!

the vents i post are usually when im feeling fired up or upset over things, and again, for that post/ rant i had earlier i spread misinfo, which i feel HORRIBLE about, but i will keep the post up because someone else made a point on it and had the patience to help educate me!

i am still learning and alla that, its hard to navigate this community because theres so many terms, and due to general amnesia, whether it be the fact im a system or due to my ADHD, its hard to get a grasp on all of those!

anyways, sorry for the ramble and thank you so much for the kind words! i hope you have an amazing day ❤️

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, I need to talk about this to someone.

So, I believe I have DID but it is not obvious, like, there are no headmates talking etc. And I am just now on the journey between believing I was abused (I believe that by now) and I have cptsd (I most times believe that by now). My cptsd is self diagnosed (but it is just too obvious like from all "check all the symptoms you have" lists I ever saw, I got 100/100) because I am not allowed to see a therapist. And obviously my DID suspect is "self diagnosed" too. But while I often feel like it is true (I can't tell for sure by the symptoms since many symptoms could be symptoms for other mental illnesses too) but I just.. it feels right?

I wouldn't truly self diagnose DID before I talked to a headmate and I am not... doing anything different than what I would do without this suspect. So those are just thoughts of me.

I just feel like I am... adorning myself with something that I "didn't deserve". Like, I read about DID when I was very young (by accident) and consumed some biographies and vlogs about it since I have this suspect and while I know that it isn't always the case, all those ppl in the media I consume have... a very different kind of abusive background than I do with my "my parents hated being parents" background. More organised, more purposefully violent, maybe even triggering DID in their children on purpose. I just have my very standart emotional abusive parents. And I don't want to say that my life was as bad as the life of those ppl because it surely wasn't. And when I say I have the same "mental health consequences" I feel like I say I had it as bad. I hope you understand all that talking.

So yeah, I feel like I'm.. fishing for sympathy? When I say I might have DID. Or just playing it worse than it was. Pretending to be special? Like... I would be happy if I really would get diagnosed with DID because than everything would fall into place. I would've been right with my feeling and could stop looking for the roots of my symptoms.

That's another thing, who'd be happy to have DID? Idk, I feel like faking not just because, you always feel like faking when you have any kind of trauma response, but also because of the above reasons.

Do you have any thoughts about all of thay?

Hey nonny!

A few things to start off with, this is a post that helps with self-dx DID and things like that, and in short: there is no quantifiable or definable thing that has to happen to you to have DID.

Trauma is personal. What is incredibly traumatic to one person could be not traumatic to someone else at all. Trauma has to do with how you process information and events, not the events themselves. To have developed DID you had to have experienced childhood trauma, and you have to have had a disorganized attachment to a primary caregiver during that trauma. Now, not everyone who has trauma and a disorganized attachment will develop DID, but everyone who develops DID has to have had those.

Comparing traumatic events is an incredibly slippery slope that I recommend against going down. You cannot tell how traumatizing something was by the event alone. Emotional abuse can be just as traumatizing as physical abuse. There is no way to quantify that, and no way to accurately compare them. If it really traumatized you, and you didn't have a solid support sysyem, then that's all that matters. That's enough.

I also don't think you'd be happy about having DID, but happy to understand yourself. When we were diagnosed we were really happy too--not because we had DID, but because we finally had a description of our experiences, we had validation and understanding. We could move forward and heal and learn how to cope with life.

But also, from where we are now, we're glad we have DID. Not the trauma, but in all honesty DID saved our life. It's a coping skill. It's meant to help you survive your trauma and give you support. And it keeps doing that for us continuously. We are really grateful for it and for the rest of our system because they got us through some of the worst experiences of our life.

You don't have to hate your disorder. Like yes, DID is a disorder and sometimes it really fucking sucks. But it's also a really good coping mechanism and it's okay to be glad that you have it and you have your sysyem members to rely on.

I can't tell you whether or not you're a system, only you and your (future) mental health professional can do that, but I can tell you that if you are, it's okay to not hate it, and it's okay to doubt yourself sometimes. And if you spend a while questioning then that's okay too. You're trying to figure yourself out and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're panning for sympathy or manipulating people or faking things you don't have. You are allowed to question and explore yourself, nonny, whatever that looks like.

Best of luck,

-Mod Night