#BUT HE WAS JUST A DICK RIDER FOR THE KING BRO

[baylikeselephants]

Just finished Iron Flame (I know I’m behind) but here are my notes I took throughout the book.

Also would like to say I CALLED IT with Andarna

Iron Flame

Chapter 1

* Again like in book 1 tairn says “for now” about Xaden being the most powerful… interesting

* Go off girl you tell them you ain’t gonna be talked about

Chapter 2

* okay so first Violet thinks Naolin was something more to Brennen….

* But tairn won’t so much talk about him. He did turn venin taking in too much to save Brennen yeah?

* My sister made sure I saw the rune shaped scar on Brennen’s hand. That’s basically confirming to me that Naolin turned venin and that he did so and saved Brennen and now Brennen is marked to kind of signify that Brennen is his and he can do what he wants with him (like a wyren)

* Ooo a wardstone? That’ll come in handy

* Sgaeyl doesn’t like Brennen. Shit shit shit

* Andarna!!!! She’s got black scales (for now??) that look kind of purple? She won’t be one of the traditional colors will she?

* The delulu!!! “Mom won’t kill me” says Violet. Bitch that lady kill you for a sammich

Chapter 3

* 99% sure we can’t trust Dain????? Seriously Violet?

Chapter 4

* Dun dun dunnnn

Chapter 5

* I hate this bitch (Dain’s dad)

Chapter 6

* “And miss all the drama” andarna my sweet child 🤣

Chapter 7

* Ridoc “no one wants my genuine reactions” I fucking do bro

* Oh yes we’re back on the “just a reminder Jack is very very dead” no the hell he’s not you shut your face

* Go off girl you get those books and shit I dunno

Chapter 8

* Varrish is friends with Dain’s stupid dad. Great.

* THE KING’S SON? Aight then. Go off I guess.

* Annnnd Liam’s sister. Got it

* Solas. We hate him. Also he’s an orange.. we haven’t (I don’t think) met an orange we didn’t end up hating their rider

* Tairn go baby! Woot woot chomp him chomp chomp

Chapter 9

* Poor Violet. I fear the nightmares will only get worse

* Well she’s dead

Chapter 10

* Okay the big kid is venin too got it. And sent by dick heads dad

* “Watch me” lol Xaden

* He wrote her a letteerrrr lol

Chapter 11

* Mira was reassigned to Athebyne?? Of course

* Eat him tairn

* Damn he didn’t eat him

* Yeah yeah yeah I do wanna know if it’s a coincidence or not that she bonded a feather tail after her dads work on the book about them

* The bitch searched her

* Lmao but not tairn

Chapter 13

* The bitch. Both of them. Carr AND Varrish

* She got got

* Hopefully by the torture people and not by someone trying to kill her

Chapter 14

* okay good

* Okay bad

* Jack fucking Barlowe’s dragon. Great.

* Dead

Chapter 15

* I like Rhi a lot….. that means she’s gunna die

Chapter 16

* Jesinia is also toast isn’t she

* Hehehe she got sloane to train. Go off girl

* Stupid varrish. He can suck a dick

Chapter 17

* But I like Jesinia 😭

Chapter 18

* They fighttttin

* Nolon says he’s healing a soul? Maybe? Maybe not?

* Oh. Is he trying to heal a soul?? Like venin… maybe a particular bastard Jack Barlowe?

Chapter 19

* Have I said that I hate Varrish and his stupid motherfucking dragon

* I love that tairn is literally making Varrish beg for forgiveness but by gods this is going to come back to bite Violet in the ass I’m certain

* At least she kind of talked to Rhi

* Stupid motherfucking asshat

Chapter 20

* Lmao “Uhg let’s go throw knives at shit” is the most Mira thing

* Why would ya tell Mira you crazy lady. That’s gunna backfire. I feel strongly we shouldn’t trust one of the siblings so I’m choosing to trust neither

Chapter 21

* Kill Dain. Hate him.

* I really don’t think I believe him.

* I do about her mom though. That lady is a bitch and Violet is stupid for not believing him

* I thought he knew!!!!! Aaric to the rescue!

Chapter 22

* The fucking torture shit

Chapter 23

* Stupid bastard Dain and stupid bastard Varrish

Chapter 24

* the knives unlock the door

* Nice

Chapter 25

* why did a scribe walk by?

* Caroline? Wait she’s only mentioned with Jack barlowe yeah? Oh boy

* Annnnnnd now she’s running out after the whole leaflet thingy

* Devera pockets hers… is she part of the revolution then? I know that’s a long shot but why keep it?

* Annnd there’s Jack. Got it… yay….

Chapter 26

* Xaden is hurt

Chapter 27

* Rondezvous? Hm. Not dangerous I’m sure

Chapter 28

* His ex, Cat?

* Yes

Chapter 29

* Oh good grief

* Get the dagger Rhi

* She got it phew

* Girl you stupid I mean probably not but like a little

Chapter 30

* okay look I know violet isn’t gay but Rhi is and she got a thing for Violet

* Annnndddd there’s a sub level vault

* Jack didn’t get healed (see: he is venin) he just got masked

* Bye bye Eya

* Huh

Chapter 31

* Jack? Okay then.

* A prince who hates his father lol

Chapter 32

* Yeah okay. Xaden killed Aaric’s brother. That checks

* Sneaky sneaky

Chapter 33

* Aaric is bold

* Phew that was close

* Those better be the damn books though. I’m worried they are not

* I feel like Varrish will be waiting on them or something when they get back

Chapter 34

* Uhg stupid Bodhi. Why did you say “well that was blissfully uneventful” you dumbass. Now shit for real for real about to hit the fan

* Bastard Nolon. Why would you take anything from ANYONE right now. Don’t drink that shit

Chapter 35

* I hate Nolon. I knew I hated Nolon. Because he “revived” Jack but uhggggg

* Don’t answer shit Vi

* Liam! Hi buddy

* Haha. Tairn is hunting Solas.

* Stupid Dain. I hate this bastard too

* This is stupid but is he going to try to get her out? Probably not right?

* Well damn if he didn’t do it

* Varrish is dead? Here’s hoping. He did get killed with the venin killing knife

Chapter 36

* show them all!!! Bitches

* andarna is black? That’s not her final color though is it?

* Hehe. You needed dragons right

Chapter 37

* Okay so these nightmares… do we know that it’s not kind of real? Like-hear me out- the venin, in this case the sage, when powerful enough can project into people’s subconscious and haunt them

* Dirty dirty

* Oh no

* “We’re all that’s left of the squad that fought at Resson” usually is followed by another one of them dying

* Tell ‘em Xaden

* ANDARNA!!!! This isn’t a bad thing right……..

Chapter 38

* SHE WILL TOO BEAR A RIDER 😭 SHE HAS TO

* I love andarna lol

* MIRA? This bitch better be joining or I’m fixin to throw hands

* She’s gunna kill Brennan

* Or punch him lol he kinda deserved it though so

Chapter 39

* I just am in love with the fact that she hasn’t seen this bitch in years and POW punches him in the face

* Go off Vi

* I don’t know if they’re gunna have wards though. This feels too easy

* Thought so..

* wait iron rain…? Do they have blood moons in this world? Rain under a blood moon would be iron rain

* Oh boy Vi. I would say calm down girl but ya know

Chapter 40

* Xaden is there lol he’s gunna kill her

Chapter 41

* CAT IS HIS NIECE 🤣 I’m dead

* I know Violet isn’t gay but my god she is gay coded. “…shows her elegant figure to its best advantage…” bitch you gay

* I was literally about to say this bitch sounds like Dain

* No but yeah why didn’t violets shields block out Cat?

* Fuck.

Chapter 42

* It’s a shame Xaden didn’t kill him. But violet is correct. Then they wouldn’t have answers

* Brennan. Babes. No hontey. Why we gonna arm these bitches

Chapter 43

* Don’t die lols

* Tairn is so sassy. He really said bitch you didn’t bond a little house cat you bonded a mother fuckin lion

* Tairn says “kill us” he doesn’t think he’ll survive another rider (aka violet) dying. I don’t think I’d heard that from him yet. Like I knew that he was ~unlikely~ to survive but I didn’t know he would admit it

* Awwww a babyyyyyyy

* Lu is gunna die isn’t she. Damn this stupid arrow thingy

* Or ridoc. Ya know whatever. It’s not like I’m attached to any of these characters REBECCA.

Chapter 44

* at least ridoc is okay Brennan got there

* Everybody knows within the area… including the venin

* Right. Great.

Chapter 45

* Good babes. We don’t trust Jack.

* Reddish sheen to andarna’s scales???? Hm interesting

* Runesssssssss

Chapter 46

* AHA. I knew the knives unlocked the door and it had to do with the runes

* Hmmm interesting. So the rune to protect the marked ones was designed to counter the signet of the rider whose dragon would kill them. So melgren’s dragon killed them and the relics do provide the hiding from him thus countering the signet.

* Xaden trained cat too. Yippee

Chapter 47

* should’ve killed her

Chapter 48

* Xaden has a way with words but like in a respectful kind way not a demeaning “I’m better than you” way

Chapter 49

* Hehe

* Dain. Still don’t trust him fully

Chapter 50

* Oh yippee…… here they come

Chapter 51

* Oh well I feel stupid. The translation is iron ~flame~ not iron ~rain~ so what could that mean…. I got nothing for this one

* Oh the dragons lol not the people I would’ve gotten there eventually I promise

* Girl no. Why you gotta say shit like that. Why shouldn’t we raise the damn wards (other than they don’t work but she don’t know that)

Chapter 52

* Rhi is the best

* Treason. Again. How fresh. It’s not like this always leads to trouble

* This is a prophecy not an empty threat. I think the stupid sage is coming into her mind (see: Naolin isn’t dead and is venin and still connected to Tairn and thus Violet) and telling her what will happen. I expect by the end of this book.

* The “let’s go” is giving Shania Twain lol

Chapter 53

* “We don’t eat our allies” lol little buddy poor andrana

* Uh… why is there a breeze?? Am I reading too much into that?

* And now gravity shifts!!? No no no

* TYPICAL. SHOULDVE KILLED THAT BITCH SOLAS TOO

Chapter 54

* Bitch you hurt andarna you fixin to die today whore

* Go for his other eye lol

* She is as Naolin was???? Uh. Okay a siphon sure but Tairn tends to mean things in multiple ways that we don’t always get the first read though so this comment scares me

* Uh yes bitch we’re ready to hear about the deal with her mom

Chapter 55

* Damn wyvern

Chapter 56

* No but for real why wouldn’t they go ahead and power that wardstone?

* Tairn 😭 “she now suffers with a burden that should have been mine”

* Did Xaden just loose control there for a second?

* I wondered if it was related to intentions. Particularly because of the scene with Dain. No way Xaden let him live without knowing his intentions

* Obviously this isn’t the end of it right but yay the wards work!

* Okay the wards kind of work

Chapter 57

* This bitch I swear. He just got here and I hate him (melgren)

* Yes babes dark wielders have runes omg keep up girl

* Stupid runes

* Also just the fact that Brennan pulled a “YOU THOUGHT BITCH” on his own mother

Chapter 58

* If they’ve been sitting there…. It’s not.. it’s some kind of trap…

* Yeah.. well back to where it all started I reckon

Chapter 59

* Of course Brennan won’t go. Bastard

* Andarna baby I swear to god

* Nolon. The bitch. Kill him

* Of course it’s Baide

* Bye bye Baide

Chapter 60

* For once I guess Dain is okay

* Also. Why the fuck. The actual ever loving fuck. Would you keep that bitch alive

* Agree Vi, mistake to leave the stone and after all Violet has done you’d think her mom might consider her daughter’s opinion for more than two seconds

* YAY! Brennan (the bastard) can mend the wardstone (I hope)

Chapter 61

* “no one dies today” bitch. I think they do

* “I am the storm” yeah ya are bitch let’s go

* But for real someone is about to die aren’t they

* Hehe sgaeyl. Hey bestie

* Rhi said bitch I dare you

Chapter 62

* Not the “good maybe you’ll stay in it”

* Why not hopeful…? What won’t Marbh say

* Typical andarna. Like no chance our girl was sitting on the sidelines watching the whole damn thing obviously

Chapter 63

* “That wasn’t hiding” uh.. what’s that mean vi

* THE SEVENTH DRAGON IS ANDARNA BECAUSE SHES NOT GUNNA FIT INTO ONE OF THE TYPICAL DENS THANK YOU VERY MUCH???

Chapter 64

* She just looked a dragon in the face and called his bastard ass out. Alrighty girlie. Go off

* It is because he knows she’s destined for something greater. That’s why he didn’t kill her

* PURPLE!!! HA

* Okay then… bye bye mom….

Chapter 65

* oh no no no. No cheering. I get it wasn’t easy but babes that was too easy

* Told you Xaden would be venin at some point

Chapter 66

* Okay look. Of all people who are gunna know it won’t be Jack barlowe will it???

General

* if Jack isn’t dead and is venin (because how else would he survive that) did his dragon break the bond with him or is he venin with a fucking dragon

* Wait— if Jack is venin then the wards don’t work like they think they do. Because either venin can get through them or they can be “born” in them.

* Not once… not one single time does Brennen or tairn say that naolin is dead. I feel confident he’s alive and venin

* Wait wait wait… does Violet know what Naolin looks like? I think so.. but would she recognize him if he turned venin? Was he the teacher person thingy at Resson?

* Okay.. okay hear me out. I think andarna is going to be one of two things… either she will be purple orrrr with violet’s comment about her looking green but the blowing it off like it was reflective of the grass. So my other thought is that she’s like… a chameleon? And can adjust her color based on what is needed

* BABES. So Melgren (spl?) can’t see groups of the marked ones right? But why? Here’s my thoughts—my first thought was that is was somebody’s signet, but Sarah said no lol. So my second thought, are the dragons masking them? Are they able to do that? Ooo but also what about this— is it in the tattoos? Like the tattoos have runes in them and they are greater in numbers and blah blah blah. The marked ones have to know how it works. Yeah I like the tattoo idea best right now. Because the marked ones can’t be seen even if they haven’t bonded from what I understand so it can’t be dragons.

* Hold the fucking phone. If Brennan is venin or controlled by venin or whatever (see : rune thingy in his hand) is that why the wardstone thing didn’t work?

* Xaden will turn venin at some point. I have no basis for this. It is just a guess. An educated guess based on RY’s writing but a guess. Violet could also? But not sure. I personally like Xaden a bit better

* On the solas is dead note (which I hope he really is but god knows with RY), the whole “two daggers left in solas” thing. That’s gunna come back and bite her in the ass isn’t it?

[seikotakai]

ok so normally i do not do this type of stuff but uhhhhhh...poll of choose one out of five characters (from anime/fighting games) (got inspired by some poll in which of course i choose daddy kazuya-kun!~(◕‿◕))

behold!:

>a martial artist who is known for pretty much being everywhere you go (fortnite, smash bros, marvel vs capcom, snk vs capcom, namco x capcom, sonic and megaman worlds unite comic, hell even power rangers gets a crossover with street fighter). he likes grapes, so maybe get him some grape ice cream or grape juice if you want to give him something.

>an autistic muscular beefy shy stoic bisexual japanese demon/human hybrid man who has survivor's guilt and trust issues. he loves nature (ex. fishing, gardening, and bird watching), forest bathing, and walking in the forest. he tends to be distant towards others (because of devil gene and fear of people getting killed in the crossfires between him and his dysfunctional family) but he cares about them.

>a delinquent cocky high school drop out who may have never graduated high school, but will definitely still be able to make a living for himself by winning martial arts tournaments and defeating abominations threatening society. he loves poetry, riding motorcycles, and broiled fish.

>a gay homosexual goat villain who should've been the final boss of his franchise, but no it just had to be that lame black goo and that stupid lame rabbit lady. anyways - he shits on everyone (he washed the whole allied shinobi army, he washed the five kages, he finally beat his childhood friend/rival/boyfriend hashirama senju, he almost killed the mc jesus-kun- i mean naruto uzumaki and also gave his best friend sasuke the aerith gainsborough treatment.), he has the best drip in the whole anime/manga, and the biggest #1 hashirama senju dick rider (ex. him glazing hashirama during the five kage fight, and him putting hashirama's face on his damn tit).

>a 200 IQ brunette soul reaper man who also washed the shit out of everyone (stopped mr. poster boy's bankai with a finger, shits on the whole gotei 13, shits on the Visored). just a handsome lonely dude with a god complex who wants to make the world a better place by questionable methods. ironically saved soul society's ass by literally doing nothing but chilling while sitting on the legendary chair-sama (just like how luigi wins by doing absolutely nothing). he turned into a pretty butterfly at one point while fighting mr. poster boy ichigo. he likes tofu, drinking tea, calligraphy, reading books, performing hollowfication experiments, and he hates boiled eggs.

[thot-farm]

I finally finished birthright. I hated it, but I am a biased Xander dick rider 🤷‍♀️

I spent Elise's birthday getting her killed in birthright instead of making a shit post edit.

I just don't get how Ryoma stood still so many times. Like I get it, honorable samurai and all, fair fight between Xander and Corrin, but the strongest Nohrian soldier is beating his sister/brother with an ancient magic sword that is as tall as F!Corrin, and Ryoma is standing there staring while he let it happen. (Image creds u/MSGold)

Like, what?! If he, the fast samurai with a lightning katana, just jumped in and blocked the "final" blow from Xander that probably would have killed or at least greatly injured Corrin, 1) Elise would have lived and been able to do Elise things, 2) HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A JACKASS STANDING THERE WHILE HIS SIBLING WAS ABOUT TO DIE! I don't hate Ryoma in every other route, but holy fuck I hate Birthright Ryoma. In the cutscene for the fight against Garon, bro tried to negotiate with Garon, of all people, to let Azura go, then he gets hit by a fucking fireball. Like for fuck sake dude get it together!

Maybe this is all steaming from them making Xander seem unstoppably strong and then the Reddit propaganda that Ryoma is on the same level or stronger. I don't believe that anymore after playing Birthright. Ryoma sucked and sassy birthright Corrin sucks too. Azura slayed, literally, she was the last unit left alive on the final battle for me, she fucked up that overgrown salamander.

And why in the route about justice prevailing and peace did Corrin not just make the Nohrian siblings come with her? Puppy eyes for Camilla on her first appearance and she would probably come with. Elise did come with. Corrin could have just dragged Leo with her or dangled Camilla in front of him and he would have come, or Camilla would have forcibly dragged him. If Xander was pitted against all his loved ones trying to bring peace to the lands or picking King Garon, he would probably pick his siblings, even if it would take a battle of him "knocking" sense into his siblings, looking at his siblings beaten down yet not giving up the fight for peace, and not giving up on hope for him even against his blade would probably let the "real" Xander's feelings out instead of them being stifled by the loyal crown prince of Nohr.

But that didn't happen, instead, Corrin lives with the guilt of Elise dying in her place the blood of Xander's glorified suicide on her hands, and a worse elder brother imo. But at least Ryoma is hotter, right? (Screenshots taken from Hawlo's video.)

Also, I get that Xander would have dismissed Azura's crystal ball probably like he dismissed soothsaying. (Screenshots from Xander/Nyx supports justonegamer)

But in his death quote he admitted King Garon had changed, he knew, and everyone else knew and was telling him so. So maybe that crystal could have given him the final push he needed to break free of his shackles to King Garon. (Screenshots from pheonixmaster1 chapter 26.)

Why oh why of all people did they show it to Leo and not Xander? Leo quite literally just disappeared, killed Lago, then disappeared again then came back and now he was king of Nohr. All could have been avoided if Leo told Xander to stop huffing copium. (ETA om the crystal at the end.)

Xander's death hit me harder than any other death in the game, I knew it was coming so I was tearing up the chapters leading up to it and through his death speech. Ryoma's I teared up a bit. Takumi I didn't realize died so it never set it. Elise I didn't cry, I was frustrated. Azura's death in Birthright was sad, but I was still recovering from Xander's death, and all of Ryoma's yapping afterward just made me angry. Who else dies? A bunch of side characters and enemies? Characters I couldn't give less of a shit about since I don't remember?

I don't know why, but I feel like the salamander form and the goo form should have been swapped for the route but I don't know how they would do that story-wise. I found birthrights last battle much harder than I did Conquest, but I did totally over level all the royals on Conquest, but I still had a level 30 defense boon Corrin with a strength/defense backpack get fucking obliterated on Birthright along with all my other units, which included my over-leveled Xander and Siegbert. The only survivors at my 2nd to last turn were my over-leveled dark flier Leo from my conquest run and my dark flier Azura with 8 hp left, but they beat down that ugly salamander anyway! But I was playing very aggressively in endgame (I sent all my units in different directions and expected it to be an easy sweep like conquest endgame was for me.) (Edit: I played endgame right and it was an easy sweep, I don't know what I did the first time to make it so hard, it may have been the grief of Xander's death clouding my brain's capabilities.)

If they ever remake fates for the switch, they should make it so we as the player get more impactful choices, similar to 3 houses, but I feel like there are so many instances where the player could make a choice that gives you a different avenue to the end or multiple endings instead of the only decision beings what side you pick, and if you pick conquest kill shura for boots or let Azura's kidnapper join you, hooray.

And if they remake the game for the switch they should show Xander with his cheeks out in the hot springs 🤭

(ETA: I was playing Conquest and Azura says to access the power of the crystal at will they need a 'powerful mage like Leo' or a person with 'potent dragon blood like Corrin', so they did give an actual reason as to why the crystal was given to Leo in birthright but you only get that explanation in conquest (I don't believe Azura explains jackshit in birthright but I could be wrong). But this does not explain if Corrin or Leo were to use the crystal, would have Xander been able to see it in some way? All of this just makes me wish there was like a Telltale version of Fates, it would fit the whole 'what if' theme so well and I would eat it up, even more than I ate up warriors 1.)

[annatazarctaz]

no one wanted him around, but here he is . . . around.

♕ ( muse a / 26 / cis man / him/him) — did you see NOAH HAYES wandering around the island today? they kind of look like DYLAN O'BRIEN from certain angles? i heard around town that the SALES BRO is CHARISMATIC, and CONFIDENT, but also A DUMBASS, and SELFISH. people say that they remind them of A BLUE-STAINED TONGUE, A STRONG BASS THUMPING THROUGH YOUR CHEST, and THE SMELL DISGUSTINGLY EXPENSIVE COLOGNE, and BEJEWLED by TAYLOR SWIFT is definitely their theme song. they seem like a nice enough person, but we all know how hard it is to keep a pristine reputation in a small town. ( gia / 26 / est /  she/her ) 

𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕚𝕟𝕤𝕡𝕠 !!

schmidt ( new girl ), pimento ( b99 ), donkey ( shrek ), lumière ( beauty and the beast ), flynn rider ( tangled ), sokka ( atla )

𝕓𝕒𝕔𝕜𝕘𝕣𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕕 !!

so first things first, i guess we should start back at the beginning in a galaxy far, far away––except not really that far away because noah was born and raised in a shitty little trailer on kings haven island.

his parents were hippies who fell in love for one summer in mexico à la what a girl wants with amanda bynes. 

*sighs wistfully* but summer couldn’t last forever. his dad went back to california to take over the family wine grove, and his mom went crawling back to live with in with her parents on the island she so desperately wanted to escape from. 

he talked to his dad occasionally growing up, but honestly he was happy with the expensive gifts he sent him for his birthday and christmas. 

mostly, he spent his time with his grandma. she is ,,, a nut, but so much fun. she’s a sculptor, and she always let noah throw wet clay at the walls of her studio. 

he spent his entire educational career fucking around. he skipped class all the time to hook up or dick around with his friends. he managed to hide a lot of it bc his grandma isn’t exactly the type of parental figure to check his grades, but she did take his car away when he almost didn’t graduate lmao. 

he played soccer through a comp team bc they don’t have a gpa requirement. he didn’t really take it seriously, but he was pretty good at the state level. 

he had to go to summer school basically every summer, but the teachers usually didn’t mind bc he brought donuts and pizza all the time. 

he started at nyu with a soccer scholarship ( literally the only reason he got in was bc of test scores, pretty white boy priveledge, and his athleticism ), but he showed up hungover to practice too many times, so they cut him sophomore year. thankfully, lil bby boy had his estranged, guilty dad to pay his tuition. 

he graduated–barely, but he did it-and got a gig selling software, so he travels a lot and works from home.

sometimes he’s like maybe i should do something with my life and make my grandma proud, but mostly he’s like...or i can just keep visiting her and doing absolutely nothing with my life. 

𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕪 !!

he’s uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh a big ho because hard work ?? relationships ?? rejection ?? we don’t know her here in this house.

a chronic flirt. hate him.  

but !! he’s v upfront about his intentions, or actually i guess his lack of intentions, bc his grandma would kick his ass if he played a girl just to get in her pants.

he’s really chill. it takes a lot to get under his skin bc he doesn’t give a shit about literally anything. it’s his biggest problem, honestly. 

his life motto is you can’t fail if you don’t try lmao. the apathy is strong in this one. 

he is always down to get into shenanigans of any kind, especially during work hours. 

𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤 !!

best friends: ( m, f, nb ), childhood friends: ( m, f, nb ), messy ex: ( f, nb ), fwb: ( f, nb), casual hookup ( f, nb), enemies: ( m, f, nb )

hmu OR like this and get ready to catch these loving hands.

[saetoshis]

the way i thought shaiapouf was attractive until he opened his mouth

[fatesdeepdive]

Entry 7: The Hardest Choice

Chapter 6: The Path Is Yours

We rush into the battlefield from the future vision prologue and find Xander and Ryoma dueling. Xander, after making sure Corrin is okay, announces that Nohr is invading Hoshido to show off their strength. He points out that ending things quickly will prevent unnecessary bloodshed, which is a fair point. But, you know what else would prevent unnecessary bloodshed? Not invading Hoshido.

The two families argue over ownership of Corrin and she is forced to choose a side. Stand with her genetic family and fight to defend Hoshido from violent invaders, or stand with her adoptive family and invade a neighboring country, slaughtering countless civilians in the process. Or play the DLC route. Or go play Super Smash Bros.

And I mean, is this even a choice? Nohr is evil. Like, insanely evil. Ten minutes ago they blew up a marketplace and killed dozens of children. They’re invading Hoshido for shits and giggles and we’re supposed to side with them? Corrin’s supposed to be a good person, why the fuck would she ever join Nohr’s army?

And it’s not like Corrin has any love for Nohr as a country. She spent fifteen years in prison, she doesn’t know the people. Hell, she hates how Nohr looks and feels. Garon murdered her parents, kidnapped her, held her captive, and tried to murder her. Twice.

There is only one reason to join Nohr: love for Xander, Camila, Leo, and Elise. And that’s a relatable reason, standing by your family even if they’re evil. But, it feels cowardly to kill innocent people just because you don’t want to fight your family.

No, not cowardly. Evil. This is a choice between good and evil, with both sides holding up signs saying which they are. And that’s part of the problem with this game. Nohr is so ridiculously evil and Hoshido is so ridiculously good. At this point, we have seen no justification for any evil Nohr does. They’re evil for the point of evil. And even when Hoshido does shady things, like kidnapping Azura or having a mind control barrier, the game glosses over it to avoid having the good guys be morally grey. And let’s be honest, it’s kinda infuriating that Intelligent Systems, a Japanese company, made a game where the most explicitly Japanese kingdom in the franchise is pure good and the European kingdom is cartoonishly evil.

This game tries to paint this as a choice between two families, and that doesn’t work. Painting it as a choice between two families lessens the impact of siding with Nohr to protect your family. Plus, again, the Hoshidans are strangers. Hoshido is not Corrin’s home and the Hoshidan royals are not her family. The only one who was given enough screen time to feel like family was Mikoto, and she’s dead. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I really don’t give a shit about Corrin’s blood. I’m not choosing Birthright because I want Corrin to claim her Birthright, I’m choosing it because Nohr is cartoonishly evil.

And here’s the kicker, the ultimate reason to choose Hoshido: Garon tried to murder Corrin. Twice. First with Hans at the bridge, then again with the bomb at the plaza. Choosing Nohr is suicidally stupid. I know Corrin’s naive, but this is just idiotic.

And Corrin doesn’t even bring this up. She doesn’t shout to Xander, “Hans attempted to murder me as we were fleeing the Bottomless Canyon, apparently working under orders from King Garon. I do not feel safe returning to Nohr.”

No, she doesn’t explain jack shit. She lets Xander think she’s betraying him, when in reality she’s just doing the right thing. Corrin is an imbecile and it makes this game painfully dumb.

Birthright Chapter 6: In The White Light

We chose Hoshido. Right away, the chapter title screen changes, going from the mix of white lilies and black roses from earlier chapters to just white lilies. The text boxes also get a new blueish tint. Corrin tells Xander to withdraw his troops and that she’s siding with Hoshido.

Xander says that Corrin must be brainwashed. He reveals that he’s known all along that Garon kidnapped Corrin as a child. Something that he kept from Corrin, because he’s a great older brother. He tells Corrin that they are family, regardless of blood, and that Garon will forgive her. The first one of those is true, but the other is laughable. Has he ever met Garon?

Corrin tells Xander about Garon blowing up the plaza, killing dozens of innocent people, and endangering her life. Corrin calls Garon evil and Xander, apparently ignoring the whole mass murder thing, gets pissed. Corrin asks him to join her and Xander attacks her. Prick.

Side note, the music in this scene is fantastic. It reminds me of the Midmire theme from Awakening and really feels hopeless. Xander beats the shit out of Corrin and Ryoma runs in to save her. The two princes duel, and the battle begins. Also, Jakob shows up.

Ryoma, Hinoka, and Tamuki join Corrin as the two families battle. Interestingly, those three are listed as being part of a different army on the bottom screen, implying that they won’t be around after this battle.

Ryoma

The crown prince of Hoshido. A swordmaster with impeccable strength, skill, and speed. His personal skill, Bushido, makes him fight better when supported by low level units, fitting his honorable Samurai aesthetic. His armor looks cool, but he has crazy, Raditz length hair and this weird horned crown that I dislike. He carries this cool lightning katana called Ranjito. Personality wise, he seems a bit dull. He’s a loyal, protective prince, but at first glance there isn’t much more there.

Hinoka

Corrin’s older sister and a Sky Knight. Her personal skill buffs damage of nearby allies. I kinda like her tomboy haircut and lack of a ridiculously big bust, she looks more like a normal person than most Fates characters. She seems really protective of Corrin and her homeland. Also, I kinda hate her voice.

Takumi

Corrin’s brother, an archer. Who is a prick. A massive prick. He has a massive attack stat for an archer and wields a custom bow that shoots arrows made of light. His design isn’t too interesting, aside from the ponytail that looks weird because it’s cut off by the edge of the screen in his portrait. Personality wise, Takumi is a prick. He’s the best written character in the game, from what I remember. But he’s still a prick.

Also, I suppose I should discuss the Nohrian royals now, because by the time I play Fates my perception will be clouded by the events of Birthright.

Xander

The honorable prince of Nohr. Our protector turned enemy. A Paladin reminiscent of Camus, Selena, and Mustafa from past games, willing to stand by his country even if it is evil. Stat wise, Xander is an absolute tank. His personal skill is called Chivalry, a parallel to Ryoma’s Bushido. It boosts him when fighting enemies with full health. I love Xander’s design, the black and purple with an ascot that makes him look both intimidating and regal, the small black cwon, and that face. He looks like a man tormented by his own actions. I love Xander’s personality, this honorable man who, when forced to choose between his family and his morals, chose the former. He’s actually a good parallel to Corrin, now that I think about it. That said, he is a bit dumb, and trying to kill Corrin was a dick move.

Camila

Ugh. Camila. She’s a new class called Malig Knight, basically a Wyvern Rider with magic abilities. Her personal skill boosts the damage done by allies. Her design...sigh...her design is very, very, very fanservicey, with massive titties and exposed cleavage. Camila is a fanservice character, which is a trend in Fire Emblem that I’m not fond of. Personality wise she’s...creepily obsessed with Corrin, to the point of being kinda incestuous. Ugh. Camila was this game’s breakout character and that’s really disappointing, because she’s probably the worst of the royals in my opinion.

Leo

Leo’s a Dark Knight with a personal skill called Pragmatic that boosts damage against already injured foes. I like how his armor looks; the collar is a bit much, but it’s kinda charming. Also, he looks like he’s Xander’s brother, which is something that they forgot to do with the rest of the royals. Personality wise, he seems to be the only character in this family that isn’t a gigantic moron, which is refreshing. The trick with faking Kaze and Rinkah’s deaths was nefarious, but kind, which is a trait I like in a character.

Elise

The other moe healer little sister, now on horseback. Her personal skill reduces damage done to nearby allies. Design wise, she looks adorable. So adorable that she should not be a soldier and should not have children. I do like the pigtails, although it is weird that they’re both purple and blonde. She’s a bit more forceful in her personality than Sakura, which is good. She’s cute but not boring.

The battle, if you can even call it that, was basically just a quick fight between Ryoma and Xander. After the Nohrians retreat without saying anything, Corrin swears to stand with Hoshido, even though it's the hardest choice she’s ever made. Even though, as we’ve discussed, it isn’t a hard choice at all.

Also, the intro plays again. Nothing is different this time, but it does play again. After that pointless interruption, Lilith shows up again. Remember Lilith? She was important a few chapters ago. And then wasn’t mentioned again until this moment. Lilith takes us into the Astral Plane, introducing us to a new mechanic: My Castle. Which we will get into, next time.

[metalbatandzenko]

“Dude, you’re like, an asshole.”

Aka which of the characters are assholes and which ones aren’t. 

Judged on my completely unbiased scale of which characters I find intolerable and which ones I have a soft spot for, so take this with a grain of salt as canon.

Disclaimer: This is a joke list and very few of these are thoughtful placements.

Minor Assholes.

Kind of a variable category. Mostly characters who are assholes in the sense of like. Being terrible people, but at least they like, have morals and shit. There’s a lot of variation here.

Sonic-Already a hot take. Listen. Maybe he does murder sometimes but like. He’s somehow less intolerable than the major dipshits below. And at least he has like, morals and shit. You think Metal Knight has that? No way.

Garou-Once again, suuuper not objective. He’s 100% an asshole, but he’s got a pretty strict moral code and lines he would not cross, and his end goal is good. I do wonder how he was planning on becoming a symbol of fear without killing anyone though. Like I’d say he’s an “ends will justify the means” kind of guy but like...his plan was to scare people into banding together and killing him and...not killing anyone himself? I’m confused and he is too. Anyways he’s somehow less of an asshole than some of the other characters.

Atomic Samurai-He’s arrogant, but he’s not a bad person. I love clowning on this man with strict morals and a massive ego.

Flashy Flash-Kinda a mix of Sonic and Atomic Samurai. Like he’s a dick, but boy is it fun to watch him call people out (looking at you Death Gatling). I do think his moral compass is more fucked up than Sonics is though. Does that make me dumb? Has Sonic’s ass rotted my brain? Idk I can’t speak to the webcomic bc I know we get more of his and Sonic’s backstory there but ik vaguely about the Ninja Village.

Watchdog Man-He makes everyone sit at a professional meeting with him while in his fursuit. He eats like a dog. Subjecting people to your fursona 24/7 is rude, man.

Major Assholes.

You know when Sonic “I-assassinate-people-and-play-bodyguard-for-the-dregs-of-society” One Punch Man and Garou are minor assholes, we’ve got some heavy hitters down the line.

Metal Knight-This one is self-explanatory. Fuck this guy. 

Drive Knight-A wise man once said “he’s the kind of guy who’ll send you an NSFW link at work then report you for clicking on it.”

Amai Mask-Listen, [webcomic spoiler] or not, he’s an asshole. I don’t care that he’s sad, man. He’s still a dick.

Puri Puri Prisoner-We all know why.

Blast-This bitch really just fucking noped out of hero work bc he does it for fun. How many people have died bc this blank faced fuck decided he’d rather go take a vacation to OPM!Six Flags instead of idk, helping people?

Not an Asshole.

Mumen Rider-Does not have a mean bone in his body. We all know he is the king of good samaritans.

Tank Top Master-Almost put him in minor asshole bc of Tank Top Tiger and Black Hole, but the rest of the group seems chill. He’s a genuinely kind guy.

King-Kind of dickish for hiding him being a fraud but he’s good.

Pig God-Minds his business. Gentle. Seems to genuinely care about Child Emperor’s safety/concerns.

Child Emperor-He’s baby.

Bang-His advice can sound a bit like a fake deep quote from pinterest, but he means well and he’s not hurting anyone. 

Bomb-Just a supportive bro.

An Asshole, but Has a Good Heart

Tatsumaki-I cannot defend Tatsumaki’s behavior, but I love her and she clearly cares about civilians’ safety. She’s an asshole but she’s doing her best.

Fubuki-Beneath that social climbing, she’s got a good heart too. She just lets her self-doubt control her and ends up being an asshole to others because of it. I mean, she tried to kill or at least seriously maim Saitama.

Genos-He’s mean as fuck to anyone who isn’t Saitama or Dr. Kuseno. And it’s not just because he has a hard time reading social cues, he like. chooses to be rude to Fubuki, and stuff like that. He genuinely cares about doing what’s right though, he’s got a lot of compassion for the defenseless.

Not an Asshole, just Grumpy.

Saitama-Stays in his lane. Does right by people for the sake of doing good. Just wants to get a good deal.

Zombieman-He just wants to take a nap, but this annoying fucking idol won’t shut his trap. So if a few sharp insults come out every once in a while, can you really blame him?

Metal Bat-Full of rage and love for his little sister. Has a lot of bravado and an ego, but will throw all that away to make Zenko happy. Rescues cats in his free time. Apparently is a pacifist despite his entire fighting strategy being braining monsters with a baseball bat.

The Narrative Surrounding This Character Makes Me Uncomfortable and Their Actions Qualify Them as an Asshole But the Narrative Doesn’t Acknowledge That.

Superalloy Darkshine-They really should have changed his backstory.

[xaz-fr]

I’ll edit links for previous chapters later but you know how Tumblr feelse about links but they’re all in the zs tag

Set in a fantasy world of the semi socialist society Fey Alliance with magic, dick head dragon riders, benevolent necromancers, and even bigger dick head gods of mischief. The Zealous Servant is the story about a guy named Spayar who, has to keep his crown prince of a bff from being murdered by his entire family by murdering them first. Though Spayar just wants to take a nap and find a cute boy to kiss and not have to worry about his corpse potentially being dragged through the street after a war. Better win that shit then.

I will only ping this particular list once and if you want to be pinged for future posts a like or reblog will get you on the next pinglist. Reblogs (especially with a dumb comment but not required) are way more appreciated as it allows other people to see the work

@deadpool-scar-bro @starry-ampelope @golden-lionsnake @massdestructionn @frxemriss

Finally y’all get to meet Diylan, the last pretty major character of the story. He doesn’t have a super lot to do right now but in future things he is SUPER important. Also he’s basically the boy version of Tassa: a real slut and I fucking love him

It was pouring out. Not exactly surprising. Spayar had his rain coat hanging on the back of a chair just outside the family shrine. In the Alliance most Feylon went to temples to pray. Spayar was the first born of immigrants and hadn't been raised the same way. He knew the process of going to a temple and leaving offerings for all the gods, like he'd taken his siblings to yesterday but it wasn't how he worshipped, not how he'd been taught by his parents.

In Dirin everyone had a patron god that chose them at a young age. Sometimes in a dream or in an event in their life. While free worship of the other gods awas encouraged most Dirinians primarily worshipped only their patron god. They kept shrines to their gods in their homes. He had older aunties and uncles from Dirin who had their gods tattood or branded onto their bodies as a form of constant worship. 

The family shrine had six statues, one for each of the children, and one for their parents, in an elaborate alcove his father had added onto the house when Spayar was small, when Calli was but an infant and Spayar was just starting to really talk. He'd built it around the same time they both stopped talking in Dirnine exclusively around him so he'd learn Feylian better and without their accent. The shrine was a gilt table covered in Dirin motifs: palms, hyenas, crocodile, and great sand dunes that cupped the western part of the country. A sphinx sat with raised wings in the backdrop. The statues of the gods were arranged by size with the largest being Spayar's and his parents and then his siblings’ being smaller.

Relora’s goddess had one eye in the middle of her forehead and was shrouded in veils that concealed most of her body. Her name was Dehvonokoz, she was a seer, a counterpart to the Feylon Belldha. Spayar Sr.’s statue belonged to the god Enko, the god of fire and willfulness. He leaned against a long spear, balanced on one leg, the other foot resting on the calf of the standing one. Enko had no true feylon counterpart but seemed to be a male version of Galaia.

On one side were Anora and Duren’s personal gods. Duren’s was the Feylon god Maldrin, god of makers and a bit of a trickster. He had a wide, grinning, mouth, and balanced a knife on the tip of his finger. Anora’s statue was to the Feylon goddess Pacia, goddess of mercy and was always depicted as a young woman wearing full plate armor. To the other side where Calli and Spayar’s gods. Unlike their siblings Calli and Spayar had Dirin gods, as they were more Dirinnan than their little siblings. Their parents had decided it was better this way. Calli’s statue was of the goddess Nuvokon, goddess of wells and springs and held a jug that poured ever flowing water onto a parched earth. She also had no true Feylon counterpart but Calli hardly ever prayed to her either.

Then there was Spayar’s. Densinn, or as his mother called him: Sevok, the lying crocodile. No matter what pantheon he resided in Densinn always looked the same: an iconography that spanned the continent. He was a young man with a charming smile, mouth sewn shut, hands cut off at the wrist and wrapped in golden fleece. Densinn was not a god most people wanted to associate with. He was a trickster godmwho would lead you down a path you didn't want to go down if you weren't careful. Spayar had dreamed about him when he was a boy. A haggard man with eyes like fire, bloody stumps for hands, still trying to open his mouth despite the stitches. 

Densinn was not a benevolent god but appeared in many stories of the gods especially around the brothers Lemp and Anceion as one of the first gods they wove into being along with Can'dhe, Perunez, Galaia and Tipal. Densinn was the god of language and had been the first one to utter a word and whisper it into a human's ear. He'd taught humans to speak, write, and create sign language. He had a gold and poison tongue that spoke truth as often as it spoke lies. He'd been the first thing to lie as much as the first to sing and orate. Once he'd been a powerful god like the other first borns but earned his fathers’ ire because of his lies and tales, and his promises to teach dogs and fish to talk like he had their precious humans. So the brothers had ripped out his tongue, sewn his mouth shut and chopped off his hands so he could never speak again.

Mostly under protest Spayar worshipped Densinn and called him that out of spite. He might have a personal god like a Dirinnan but he wasn't and knew he wasn't going to give Densinn the satisfaction of using his Dirnnan name. He also didn't pray often but he'd been meaning to lately, especially after what had happened to him lately. Talking like a man possessed. Like a man unafraid of death.

“You did that when I saw Teldin, didn't you?” he asked the statue. “And with Pale Cross. You're going to get me killed at this rate.” Densinn was a liar but great at saying whatever he needed to get the job done. “I’m not a use to you dead.”

The statue was unmoving. Spayar sighed and looked up at the ceiling in annoyance. “You’re not even listening are you?” he huffed softly. He'd seen the statue move once or twice as a boy. He'd told his mother and she just said his god was watching him, which with a god like Densinn was not always a good thing.

Spayar went to his rain coat and grabbed his coin purse. He found a golden atrin and brought it back to the painted wooden statue. He made a slight face as he bent the atrin and pulled it with his mattallurgist magic. Elemental magic wasn't a weave or a spell, it was just an extension of being and Spayar was not very good at it. The trick back at King’s Casket where he'd pulled Pale Cross’ knife out of his belt had been a fluke and a lucky one at that. Even he'd been surprised it had worked. Not cutting himself hadn't been, but his ability was limited. He fiddled with the soft metal, shaping it in his hands before he got it to look approximately like how he wanted. It was a pair of roughly made golden hands. He added a spike to the end and lifted the little statue to pin them into the wrists. He put the statue back down.

“Don’t ignore me, Densinn,” he said seriously. “I’ve seen your shrine on Swan Island; I'm your only worshipper. Don't ignore me.”

“Spayar, mazuk, the cabbie is outside,” his mother called from the door.

“Coming!” he called back. “Don’t let me die, Densinn. You need me,” and he went to grab his rain coat. As he pulled it on he glanced back at the statue. He wasn't sure if he was happy or sad the statue was different. Densinn was winking at him. “Great,” he muttered and grabbed his hat from the chair seat and went out to meet the cabbie who was standing at the doorway with an umbrella ready for him.

—

The sand the wyrm landed on was warm even though Spayar’s boots which he was grateful for. He was cold! After the all day flight up north on wyrm back at high altitudes he was close to shivering despite purposefully layering up like he was going to Surassa for the winter. Being a fire warlock Von had been a blessing as he was able to keep them warm for a while but even he had difficulty with the high cold winds. No wonder flighters wore such thick jackets and pants all the time.

The sun was just starting to set when they arrived and were given over to a man who gave them a room and meals and said the Wyrm Lord would be alerted they'd arrived but were free to do as they pleased.

The room they'd been given was a shared room which Spayar did not like. He hadn't slept in the same room as Von since he'd hit puberty and wasn't looking forward to starting now. Von was just busy stuffing his face. They'd stopped once briefly for lunch but normally postal flighters even ate their meals awing if going across the country. Spayar couldn't say he was particularly hungry. The height and motions of the great wyrm had made food the last thing on his mind.

“Are we just going to see him tonight?” Spayar asked, picking at the steamed fish seasoned with more lemon than Spayar knew was possible. 

“Yes. We aren't staying long,” Von said. “Teldin has the cooperation of the White Foot so there is nothing north or west of use to me.”

“The Norths,” Spayar said.

“I think they've had their share of war for a few more generations,” was all Von said. Spayar didn't disagree. “I want to get in and out of here.”

Soayar finally ate some of the fish. It was good, very sharp, which he wasn't expecting. “This isn't about the Wyrm Lord is it?”

“It is.”

“You just want bully him into giving your Diylan,” Spayar said, seeing through him.

“Okay maaaybe I am,” Von said with a slight grin. “But he has no alligence to my family other than that my mother is Asuras. There's no Conflicy yet so he hasn't picked a side.”

“That you know of.”

“Well are you not sharing information, Spayar?” Von gave him an annoyed look.

“No. I haven't heard anything either.”

“Exactly. Which is why I'm here now before my siblings show up. Once they learn I have the Rosalia they will try for the Drake just because the Drake hate them and want to fight them.”

“Which is stupid,” Spayar said blandly.

“Yes,” Von agreed. “Now are you done? You know how Diylan is. The sooner we see him the better we'll find him in his room.”

Spayar ate four more bites, which was about as much as he could stomach. “Okay, let's go.” He made sure to take off his coat before following Von. 

The Wyrd was an old, mostly dormant, volcano. Most of the mountain was in some way hollow and the central cone was a great shaft that ran up through the entire mountain to the sky. When they left the tunnel it was just barely still light out and Spayar glanced up, the circle of sky was starting to turn indigo as night approached. At the bottom of the cone was a large grounds filled with hot sand, warmed from underground to help keep the Wyrd warm even at this altitude. A ring had been cut around the bottom of the cone for foot traffic and two long, spiraling, staircases ran up the entire length of the cone in opposite directions with damaged landings at regular intervals. Down on the first floor the walls were covered in mosaics of orange groves and the sky, the ground paved in circular designs. Spayar had to admit, though there were no real buildings in the Wyrd the place was still beautiful and covered in the wealth of the Drake.

"So, Diylan?" Von asked as they stood for a moment under the cut overhang of the central cone, both trying not to gape at the magnitude of the Wyrd and failing a bit. "Which staircase is he again?"

"The red one I believe," Spayar said. The staircases had the front facing side of each step painted red or blue and where they  overlapped was purple. "Two curves up?"

"Why don't you just stop acting like you don't know exactly where he is?" Von grumbled, Spayar grinned, "You're completely insufferable."

"Come along my princeling," Spayar chuckled and started for the red stairs. At each landing there were huge grooves cut into the rock and Spayar knew they weren't there for decorative purposes. Climbing stairs sucked even for Von, who lived five floors up, so it was just much easier to get your wyrm to fly up to your landing, grab on, and climb off, than to have to walk up the stairs to your landing.

They were both out of breath and Spayar's legs were sore when they reached the proper landing. No matter how in shape you were stairs were still rough, especially with how many they'd just climbed. "Show off," Von grumbled as across from them on the blue staircase a wyrm landed on the wall, great claws digging into the wall, and their rider sliding off and onto the landing without incident. They then opened a portal and the wyrm crawled in and was gone.

Spayar chuckled, "C'mon, we're almost there," and he went into the tunnel on the landing. Here the lights were magical in nature, growing brighter as people neared them. They walked down the hallway, along the curve of the mountain, to a door. Spayar knocked. No answer. Spayar knocked again, louder this time. Von gave him a look and Spayar traced a new weave into the door to check to make sure he was at least in there were magic, just giving a brief courtesy inspection of the room and yes, Diylan was indeed in there.

"Well?" Von asked.

"He's in," Spayar banged his fist on the door. "Diylan, open up, I know you're in there," he yelled.

There was a moment and then the door opened. "Who the hell is- oh... you two," Diylan wasn't wearing a shirt and barely wearing any pants, which were holding onto his hips for dear life.

"Did we interrupt?" Von asked though with the air of someone who really didn't care.

Diylan gave Von a look, "Yes actually, you are," he said irritably. "But the royal family doesn't care if they bother the common people do they?" Diylan was the only one of their friends who gave Von the same amount of shit Spayar did. Diylan wasn't afraid of Von like most of their friends were, even if they didn't realize they were. 

"Nope," Von said, "We require you now and they can wait."

Diylan gave Von a look, "You know when people normally tell me that sort of stuff they're usually promising me more than a hard time. Unless you're up for that," and Von rolled his eyes even as the tips of his peaked ears turned pink. "Didn't think so," Diylan looked at Spayar, "What about you junior?" he asked.

"I'm far too good for you Diylan," Spayar said. Not that Diylan wasn't nice to look at without a shirt on. Diylan was hot, tall and huge with pale white skin, green eyes with gray scleras, short, messy copper hair with a silver streak along one side and more freckles than you could count. Too bad he was a bit of a man whore and even for Spayar that was too much.

Diylan leaned against his door frame, Von now completely forgotten. "That so?" he asked, his green eyes gleamed with challenge. "And who's to say that, hmm? Too good to lower yourself to some flighter?"

"More I don't like easy men," Spayar said.

Diylan smirked, "I can be hard for you Spayar-

"You two," Von interrupted, mortified as he realized what his friends were doing. "Can you not?"

"Awww? What's wrong Gard? Don't like me encroaching on your territory?" Diylan asked.

Von actually flushed a little, "I don't need to watch you two flirt," he said irritably. Spayar rolled his eyes a little.

"Ah... seems your lord doesn't like the idea of you having any fun, junior," Diylan said.

"Oh lay off Diylan. He's only sixteen and still a boy.” He and Diylan laughed. "Okay that's enough fun at our prince's expense," Spayar said.

"Yeah yeah, come in, I'll get dressed," Diylan moved out of the way and they went in, Von trying to control himself better but it was nice for Spayar to see Von actually get flustered. It also made him glad Von seemed so against Spayar getting with Diylan. There was a small sitting room in the front and half a wall between it and the bedroom. "Get up love, got more pressing things to attend."

"What? But we were-

"I'm quite aware what we were," Diylan interrupted her, "But I have important guests. So get dressed a see yourself out," and Diylan was pulling on clothes. Spayar and Von sat while he was talking.

A minute later a woman came out from behind the half wall, dressed, and glared at the both of them. She wasn't really pretty but had huge breasts. Diylan was way too predictable. She left the room in a huff, slamming the door after her. "You sure know how to pick 'em Diylan," Spayar called.

"She's not my wife, so why should I care?" he called back and Spayar heard leather moving against itself.

"She could have been," Von said, drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair.

Diylan came out from his bedroom, "Please. I might be easy but I know how to keep myself sonless if at all possible."

Von looked him up and down, "Quite a thing that. A flighter who doesn't want a son. You sure you're a Drake?" he asked.

"Children are horrendous little monsters. I'll gladly save myself the trouble of ever having one," Diylan made a face and finished buckling his thigh length flak jacket before falling into the remaining chair gracelessly. "So, what do you two want? You didn't come all the way from Assarus for a personal call. If you had I would have gotten a letter demanding I come to the capital," and Von smiled a little. At the very least Von didn't make friends with idiots, say what you wanted about their habits in bed.

"One is I need to speak to the Wyrm Lord-

"Good luck with that."

"It's important."

"Yeah, what about?" Diylan said and picked at his nails. "Jollen doesn't make idle chatter with princelings."

Von scowled at him, "A Conflict is coming. I am trying to get ahead of it," Von said.

Diylan stopped picking his nails and turned to Von. He put his elbows on his knees, face serious. "Come again, Gard?" Diylan said.

"I know you're not a fool, Diylan. I'm sure you've heard an inkling of a Conflict," Von said, "Teldin and Tallalsala and Dellin are also making preparations. Forces are being mustered. If I wasn't here one of them would be. Unless they have been?"

"No," Diylan said, "None of your siblings have come to the Wyrd."

"Good. Then I need to speak with Jollen."

"About what?"

"A mutually benefitting alliance for us," Von said.

Diylan leaned back in his chair, looking huge and menacing with his flak jacket and steely grey eyes save for the circles of pale green. Diylan was not a skilled fighter, instead his skills were in desk work, which he gladly did. Diylan was one of the apprentices of the Overseer and a potential successor. A man who obeyed only the Wyrm Lord they knew everything about everything in the Wyrd. As a junior overseer that meant Diylan knew more about everything than a normal flighter. "What did you plan?"

"I'll discuss that with Jollen-

"You will tell me," Diylan said. "The Wyrm Lord only meets with people who have been cleared by the overseers. Prince or not you are still a man."

Von scowled, "I want his assistance in my coup. For his cooperation I'm prepared to make all sorts of promises for when I'm Asuras."

Diylan looked at Von, then Spayar. "You know about this?" he asked Spayar. Spayar nodded. "Who else is on your side?"

"Galinsum, the Shade, praetor X'vazior and his army, as well as a smattering of lower lords."

Diylan appraised Spayar, "That's all?"

"So far," Spayar didn't mention the Rosalia. No need to start an argument.

"You're lying about someone," Diylan said, narrowing his eyes a bit, "You're a good liar Spayar I'll give you that but I'm supposed to tell the good liars from the bad ones. Who else have you gotten?"

Spayar thought quickly, who the hell could he say instead of the Rosalia? If the Drake knew Von was already friends with Helida not only would they not agree to joining with them but they might also get thrown out. "Lord Addling," Von said, and Spayar didn't look at him until Diylan did.

"Why would you omit Lord Addling?" Diylan asked.

"It's not official," Von said. "He has agreed to nothing, so we aren't counting his number, but we want him."

Diylan looked contemplative, steepling his fingers, and looked at Spayar again, Spayar made his face unreadable. "I'll get you a meeting with Jollen," he said.

"Thank you," Von said.

"Don't thank me yet. Jollen likes your mother. He might not take kindly to your proposition."

"How's your crop this year?" Von asked.

Diylan blinked slowly and looked suspicious, "Why do you want to know?"

"You know my mother isn't going to help you," Von said. "Trade is still regulated to the normal limits on importation across our borders. Your oranges looked lackluster this year. I've heard from other cities that their harvests are so bad they'll have to ration it this winter if they want get food imported in the quantity they need. My mother needs to die, the sooner, the better, for the entire Alliance. If I don't do it my siblings will. We won't let our people starve because of our mother."

Diylan gave him a look, "... You have a point," he conceded. "Was that all you came to the Wyrd for?" he asked.

"Haven't seen you in a year or so," Spayar put in.

"Well, two years on you," Diylan said to Spayar.

"I was serving time."

"And you didn't even write. How rude," and Spayar laughed.

"I wasn't going to waste ink on you," Spayar said.

"That hurts junior."

"Hurts what? That icy thing in your chest you call a heart?"

"I'll have you know my heart is the only thing that is icy," Diylan gave him a look.

"Ahg! Stooop," Von cried and covered his eyes. "Anceion's gaze above, please stop flirting," he said miserably.

Spayar and Diylan laughed, "I think your little princeling needs a taste of what its like," Diylan said.

"What? What what's like?" Von demanded.

"He's really rather stupid sometimes isn't he?" Diylan asked Spayar.

"He’s still got his virtue what do you expect?” he teased Von a bit.

“Spayar!” Von cried, a flush high in his cheeks.

"What?" Spayar asked him, grinning, sometimes it was too much fun to have a laugh at Von's expense, especially with Diylan around. It was, effectively, like having two of them around and while sometimes Diylan annoyed the hell out of Spayar they were very alike and both of them knew how to poke Von without actually pissing him off. Von frowned deeply at him.

"And what I meant was," Diylan continued, having the decency to at least not laugh, "that Spayar has to suffer through all your flirting, I don't see why you can't suffer through his," Spayar gave Diylan a dark look for that. Spayar wasn't sure if most people were just stupid or obvious but of their friends Diylan was one of the only ones who really noticed Spayar had a thing for their prince. It would be just less painful for everyone if Von didn't know though since he'd make it weird and awkward. "Unless, you know," Diylan quirked his head at Von, "you're some sort of homophobe."

Spayar barely reacted fast enough to grab Von's arm when he lurched out of his seat. Diylan jerked back, pressing into the back of chair when Von stood up and looked ready to strike him across the face. "I can take a lot Diylan," Von said, voice hard "But don't ever insult me like that again," and he tugged his arm out of Spayar's grip. "Now go get me that meeting with Jollen," he ordered. Diylan swallowed a little, looked over at Spayar and then got out of his seat. He'd never seen Diylan slink in his life, but Diylan positively slithered out of the room, just to get away from Von.

"Von-

"Can you believe him?" Von cried once Diylan was gone and turned to Spayar. "Accuse me of being that. You're my best friend," his voice quieted quickly after his initial outburst. Spayar just looked up at him, honestly he didn't know what to think himself. Diylan had been pretty out of hand there. "And I don't care who the hell you, or anyone takes to their bed. But by the gods there is nothing worse than watching Diylan flirt because he's a slimy creep when he does it."

Spayar grinned a little, "I'll agree with you on that," he said.

“That's the part I forgot with him,” he sighed. “He's better not doing that.” Von looked contemplative for a moment, "You-" he paused, hesitant. "Would you? With him?" he asked awkwardly.

"Uh..." Spayar said, "No, he's not really my type.”

Von deflated a little, "Okay," and he sat down abruptly.

"You alright Von?" Spayar asked him.

Von looked at him, "I just... don't think you should sell yourself short. You're too good for him."

Spayar laughed a little, "Von, the last thing you need to be worried about is my love life-

"Well I do! Sometimes," he hunched a little, "I just want you to find someone who makes you happy," and Spayar was so stunned he couldn't speak. "You don't really... like anyone and sometimes I get concerned."

"Neither do you," he pointed out.

"I'm a prince," Von said, "and... too young right now to think about that," he swallowed. "No one wants to be with a prince.” Everyone attached to princes or princess were usually cast aside after the coups, the ones who didn't die fighting for their prince or princess usually never dealt with politics again, or went near the capitals. It was better, because they would never bend to another Asuras . Some of them went to a temple of Lemp in their grief and shame to be brought to the Shadow Lands. "You could still be something without me," Von said.

"No," Spayar said, "I couldn't. Because if you go to the Shadowed Lands I'd be in front of you. Because to get to you, they'd have to get through me first," Spayar said in a hard tone. He wasn't fooling around. Whoever wanted to kill Von would have to kill him first, because he wouldn't let any harm come to him so long as he drew breath.

Von sighed, "Thanks," he said quietly, not smiling but looking at Spayar gratefully. 

—

When the Wyrm Lord agreed to see them Spayar was cautious. Of course he was. It was no secret that Jollen liked Virilia, and at least thought her competent, or perhaps more he thought her benefitting. He was waiting for them in his office but didn't stand when Von entered. He had one of the few views in the entire Wyrd with his office having an open air window to the volcano cone.

"Your highness," Jollen said when Von stood before his desk. There were no chairs, everyone who came here was expected to stand.

"Wyrm Lord, I trust your fairing well-

"I didn't agree to a meeting of pleasantries, boy," Jollen said harshly. "I am a busy man with a busy house and many things to do. Get to what you want and then you may be on your way."

Von swallowed, he hadn't been expecting Jollen to be so harsh. The man was like a wolf, his hair a shimmering silver with black shot through it and his eyes ice blue inside black scleras. Every feature on him was sharp and lean and he didn't have a scrap of fat on him. Sitting down he didn't look too big but like most flighters Jollen not only reached six foot, he exceeded it by far. "I'm sure you can hazard a guess why I'm here," Von said.

"The same reason Dellin wanted to speak with me."

"Dellin's here?"

"No. But he tried to speak with me regardless. Then he insulted me and made me very upset."

What was with the Le'Acard children and pissing off noble houses lately? Spayar didn't understand. They should know better, but it seemed like all they were doing was misstepping. He hoped Von didn't misstep. Spayar also wasn't sure Jollen wasn't lying. Diylan said no other princes had come through here. Unless it was earlier. Or maybe Diylan didn't know. "I'm not my brother," Von said.

"Well I certainly hope so," Jollen said, leaning back in his chair and folding his fingers together.

"Do you like my mother, Jollen?"

"She has her uses," Jollen said.

 "And what are those?"

Jollen smiled a small, wolf, smile, "That would be between me and the Asuras, your highness."

"I want your help Jollen," Von said, "You're not stupid, I would never accuse you of that. You know why I'm here and what I want from you."

"The Drake are not interested," Jollen said.

"I can offer you things Jollen," Von said.

"And what when you die, little princeling?" he asked. "I was a boy when your mother took the throne and I saw what siding with the wrong side did to my father, to my house. My father sided with her brother-

"Who should have been Asuras and you know it," Von said.

"Of course he should have,” it came out as a snarl. “Only the weak take the leftovers. But your mother is Asuras now. I like your mother, because she is weak. The Drake offer nothing in these schemes. We want, nothing."

Von bit his lips, he sucked his teeth a moment in thought and then said, "Not even be on the same field as the Rosalia?" he asked.

"What do those bitches in the west have anything to do with it?" Jollen growled.

"Helida is on my side," Von said. "She doesn't back the weak either. When I win she'll have played a valuable role in helping me claim my throne. Do you want to be cut out by them?" he asked.

Jollen's eyes narrowed, "Tell that slut of Lemp to go to do us all a favor and kill herself,” Jollen said.

"I'll be sure to. And maybe when she retaliates against such slander I'll just... look the other way," he turned his head a bit like he was thoughtlessly averting his eyes.

"Are you threatening me, boy?" Jollen asked.

"Of course not, Jollen," Von said. "But when I am Asuras it will be Helida with me. I've never known a Drake to let a necromancer get one up on them," he said and Spayar didn't look at Von, though he wanted to. Von was out of his mind right now. He'd just threatened Jollen, one of the most powerful men in the Alliance. And he was baiting the man. Not even Densinn’s influence would have made Spayar say something so wreckless. Right? He was starting to regret asking Densinn to pay attention to him. Jollen wouldn't hurt Von but Spayar was a commoner despite his position as d'aelar and easy pickings for a Governor. "You've been rough on the Rosalia since my mother decided she liked you better than them. I doubt Helida has forgotten, or that she'll be kind in her retaliation."

"You'd threaten me with civil war?" Jollen said.

"Unlike you, Jollen, my accenion is not given to me in the Book of Bloods. I don't plan on dying," Von said cooly, "I am not my siblings. I am Vondugard Le'Acard and let me tell you; I live up to my name," now Jollen swallowed. The hero of old, Vondugard, had been Archon and personally led every battle of the Asuras that had claimed most of the eastern provinces. He'd been relentless, ferocious and showed no mercy to his enemies. Most eastern provinces, like Dodorum where the Wyrd resided, had many tales of Vondugard both good and had. "You are either with me, Jollen, or you are against me. Which is it so I know if I need to keep wasting my time in this tiny province out in the middle of nowhere. If so, when I'm Asuras you can stay here and rot for all I care. So what is it Jollen?"

Jollen stared angrily at Von, "If I join you I want assurances," Jollen said.

"Name them."

"We'll think about them," Jollen said. "When the time comes you'll have your answer. In the meantime I want you out of my Wyrd."

"Fine. I want one of your flighters to accompany me home," Von said, Jollen's eyes narrowed.

"Fine I'll assign-

"I want Diylan Rastin," Von said, "a junior overseer, you won't miss him."

Jollen's mouth went thin. "Fine," he said through grit teeth. "He will be ordered to stay out of the affairs of the Le'Acard," though Spayar knew Jollen saw what Von was giving him. With Diylan with them he'd have a constant eye and ear on Von to report his doings, and Von would gain a protection of a flighter. Diylan wasn't a good fighter, but most people didn't know that, all they'd see was a flighter, a warrior mounted on wyrm-back, standing at Von's back. "Take him and get out of my Wyrd."

"We'll be in touch Jollen, I'm sure," Von bowed a little to him. Spayar was caught off guard enough do that as well. Then Von turned on his heel and walked out. Spayar took one last glance at Jollen and then followed after his prince.

"Have you lost your mind?" Spayar hissed once they were outside Jollen's office and headed for the offices of the Overseer.

"I got what I wanted," Von said dismissively. "I don't care if Jollen does or doesn't back me," Spayar grabbed Von's arm.

"Excuse me?" he asked, turning Von to him. He lowered his voice, "You don't care?"

"I wanted Diylan, that was all. And I wanted Jollen to know that he'd better start picking sides. The Drake can't afford to be bipartisan," Von said quietly.

"And you thought the best way to do that would be to piss him off?" Spayar rubbed his forehead.

"He told me everything I needed to know, and got me Diylan. Everything went exactly as planned," Von said, pleased with himself and started to walk towards the Overseer office.

"Yeah, plan you didn't tell me," Spayar said, watching him go but didn't follow.

Von stopped and turned back to Spayar, "I don't tell you everything Spayar. Just like you don't tell me everything."

"Not about this," Spayar hissed. "This is our lives. You tell me everything." Von was being unreasonable and just now he'd used Spayar as nothing more than a show of force. Jollen knew Spayar was d'aelar and despite saying nothing that entire time him just standing behind Von said enough. Spayar had never felt so used. Von was his friend but in that moment all he felt like was a prince’s primary vassal. He didn't like it at all.

Von looked at Spayar, "I do what I have to." Spayar glared after Von as he continued towards the Overseers offices. "Come along Spayar, we need to tell Diylan the good news." The words from his mouth didn't even sound like his friend. Either he was just barely keeping it together or instead of Spayar Densinn had indeed decided the best way to pay attention to Spayar was through Von. Neither option was pleasant and it didn't make him feel better either.

Spayar grit his teeth and followed after Von because he was too good a friend to keep this up. And what else could he do? Nothing.  "And what's that?"

"That he gets to go to Assarus, and," he added this with a devious look, "he gets to go to my sister's naming day," he grinned a little. "If we're lucky he'll get into her bed and give her some vinerial disease-

"Von please, have some class," Spayar sighed. "She's more likely to give him one," and Von had to cover his mouth so he didn't laugh too loudly.

[samoililja]

😘

I was tagged by @kotochi thanksnks bro (sorry the keyboard lagged XD)

RULES: choose any three fandoms (in random order) and answer the questions. Then tag some friends~

I choose:

• Eragon/The Inheritance Cycle (book series) • Outlander (tv-series) • Mahou tsukai no yome (manga)

The first character you loved:

• Saphira •  must have been Jamie? • Elias Ainsworth

The character you never expected to love so much:

• Brom & Eragon, also Saphira, omg Murtagh too (a different murtagh, not a scotsman but a dragon rider) • Murtagh (that bearded bro, that’s loyal and never breaks a promise, in a kilt) • Ruth and Silver

The character you relate to most:

• that’s Saphira too • Claire Randal/Beauchamp/Fraser • Chise Hatori

The character you’d slap:

I would actually not be this violent, but I just don’t appreciate rapists or murderers - Orrin is just kind of dick • punch: King Orrin of Surda (the worst military strategist) • decapitate: Jonathan “Black Jack” Randall and that one douche of a duke (oh wait I wouldn’t have to). Brianna is also the most annoying character, but I’ll try to give her a chance • exorcise/destroy: the animal murderer

Three favorite characters (these are in order of preference): (no they’re not)

• every dragon ever • Craig na Dun (a stone circle but still my fave character) • the dragon that grew into a tree

A character you liked at first but not so much anymore:

• none?? • the king of France (at first he was kinda gay but then it turned out he wasn’t) • idk man

A character you did not like at first, but they’ve grown on you:

• Eragon • • pervy king of faeries? Oberon? (as in the Shakespeares play I read)

3 OTPs:

• Nasuada&Murtagh • obvious Claire&Jamie, tho Murtagh and that French maid is good too • dunno yet

tagging: @fuckingmastermind

[adambstingus]

The 6 Greatest Moments In Wartime Smack Talk

If we were to suddenly find ourselves in the middle of an honest-to-God firefight, the only sick burns we’d be composing would be the ones in our underpants. But as we’ve shown you before, real-life soldiers caught in the quagmire of war seemingly have no problem coming up with badass one-liners that would make an ’80s action movie screenwriter drop to his knees in awe. For example …

#6. “Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?!”

The Situation:

At five feet, six inches tall and 132 pounds, Sergeant Major Dan Daly was like a real-life Steve Rogers, if Steve Rogers had pooh-poohed the super soldier project because his balls pumped out all the super soldier serum he could possibly need. A former Commandant in the Marine Corps once called him “the most outstanding Marine of all time,” and he’s one of only two Marines to ever earn the Medal of Honor twice for separate actions — the other of whom, Major General Smedley Butler, called him “the fightin’est Marine I ever knew.”

His first Medal of Honor came during the Boxer Rebellion in 1900, when he singlehandedly defended a bastion wall swarming with Chinese snipers using only a bayoneted rifle. His second came 15 years later in Haiti, when he retrieved a lost machine gun (which weighed more than he did) from the bottom of a river and proceeded to use it to rain hellfire on the 400 Haitian insurgents who’d ambushed his patrol. That’s right: At an age at which most people start to seriously think about switching to wheat bread, Dan Daly was renewing the nation’s highest award for extraordinary heroism as if that sucker expires.

“I needed a new medal anyway. The ribbon on the old one kept breaking off during sex.”

This brings us up to Daly’s role in World War I and the Battle of Belleau Wood, where the then-First Sergeant risked his life to extinguish an ammo dump that had been struck by enemy fire. Two days later, with his unit pinned down and outgunned by the Germans, Daly walked up and down the line, cheering on each of his machine gun positions and straight-up daring any German bullets to hit him. When he judged it time to launch a counterattack, Daly leapt toward the enemy and shouted, “Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?!”

The Aftermath:

Surprisingly, his men didn’t answer back, “Yeah, that actually sounds great!”

“I didn’t even know that was an option!”

The taunt rallied his fellow soldiers, and Daly led an attack during which he (true to form) singlehandedly eliminated a German machine gun section with a .45 and some grenades. He was recommended for a third Medal of Honor, but someone up the chain downgraded it to a Distinguished Service Cross, maybe figuring that Daly was getting bored with the things by now.

#5. “I’ve got ’em right where I want ’em, surrounded from the inside!”

The Situation:

Jerry “Mad Dog” Shriver was a U.S. Army Special Forces Green Beret who served in the MACV-SOG (Military Assistance Command, Vietnam — Special Operations Group). He slept with a rifle, and packed as many as six revolvers during combat (plus a shotgun and his regular machine gun). You know that action flick trope where the bad guys tell him to disarm, and the badass hero just keeps removing weapons until it gets ridiculous? Shriver invented that. Sometimes referred to as the Real Rambo, Mad Dog survived twice as many missions as the average member of his unit — a unit which exceeded a 100 percent casualty rate because everybody in it was wounded (usually more than once) and fully half of them were killed.

It’s not entirely clear when Shriver earned the “Mad Dog” moniker, but it’s possible that it was in relation to Klaus, a German Shepherd that he’d brought back from Taiwan and which was his closest companion. Once, Klaus yorked on the floor of the Mess after some recon men gave him beer as a gag, and they rubbed his nose in it and threw him outside. When Shriver got wind of this, he went in, drank a beer, set a revolver on the table, and dropped a deuce on the floor. He said, “If you want to rub my nose in this, come on over.” No one did.

And Klaus was promoted to squad leader.

In 1966, Shriver’s recon team was surrounded by North Vietnamese Army soldiers in Cambodia. AK-47 fire rained down on them from all around. As a Forward Air Controller watched the enemy close in on the team from overhead, he radioed down to Shriver with perhaps the biggest understatement of the war: “It sounds pretty bad.”

“No. No,” Shriver responded. “I’ve got ’em right where I want ’em, surrounded from the inside!”

The Aftermath:

Clinking through life as a goddamned walking arsenal comes in handy once in a while. Perhaps not shockingly, turns out it really helps during wartime. Shriver and his team shredded the jungle like they were in the minigun scene from Predator, putting a tear in Mother Nature’s eye and countless bullets and grenade fragments in their NVA aggressors. The attackers were driven back, and with some overhead help from the FAC, the team was safely extracted.

Mad Dog chose to hitchhike back to base.

Eventually, Shriver succumbed to an overdose of toxic masculinity. On April 24, 1969, on approach to the Central Office for South Vietnam as part of the Hatchet Force, his team was pinned down by a machine gun bunker. Shriver rushed the bunker and … went MIA. He was 27 years old — or 189 in Mad Dog years.

#4. “I will give him only six feet of English earth, or seven, for he is taller than other men!”

The Situation:

Way back in 1066, while anxiously awaiting the impending Norman invasion from modern-day France, King Harold Godwinson of England was taken unawares by scads of Norsemen landing from (surprise!) the north. Led by the Viking King Harald III Sigurdsson, the invasion force was allied with Tostig Godwinson — the newly-crowned Harold’s pissed-off younger brother. Possessing the element of surprise, the invaders took the city of York and camped out at Stamford Bridge, where they patiently awaited their reward of hostages and cattle.

By then, the Norse soldiers were tired of piss-filled shark meat.

Instead of spoils, however, the Norsemen were greeted by the surprise arrival of King Harold’s army, which had marched 185 miles in four days. In an effort to stave off aggressions, Harold met with Tostig and offered him a third of his kingdom if only he’d take off the silly horned helmet and abandon the Norsemen. When Tostig in turn asked what Harold would offer Sigurdsson as appeasement, he replied, “I will give him only six feet of English earth, or seven, for he is taller than other men!”

The Aftermath:

Before Harold’s attendants could finish saying, “Aw, snap!” the battle horns sounded. In a true parallel to the story of David and Goliath, a lone Viking defender advanced onto Stamford Bridge and used an obscenely large battle ax to chop down countless English attackers like saplings. In a not-so-biblical moment, the English defeated this Viking Goliath by floating beneath the bridge in a swill tub and spearing him straight in the dick.

To which even Harold said, “Really, bro? No. Not cool.”

The bridge thus seriously, seriously uncoolly cleared, the English army swarmed across and gave the Vikings such a spanking that the Norse never invaded Britain — their traditional punching bag — again.

#3. “Are you afraid to stand when I am on horseback?”

The Situation:

The year was 1898, and the war was of the Spanish-American variety. At the famous Battle of San Juan Hill — part of a decisive initiative to drive the Spanish Army into the Cuban city of Santiago, where they could be laid siege to until they surrendered — Cracked resident badass Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders fought alongside the African American 9th and 10th Cavalry and 24th and 25th Infantry (aka the Buffalo Soldiers). The regiments were bogged down in an exposed position on the banks of the San Juan River, awaiting word to proceed with their assault on the hill.

“Stop, drop, shut ’em down, open up shop.”

When said word finally came, Roosevelt mounted up and rode down the line to urge the men forward, even as bullets zipped all around him — because by God, he didn’t ride a horse all the way to Cuba to not use it. When one soldier was reluctant to stand and stare Death straight in the eye, Roosevelt singled him out and bellowed, “Are you afraid to stand, when I am on horseback?”

The Aftermath:

The cowering soldier stood right up … and was immediately shot dead, definitively demonstrating that not all men are magically goddamn invincible like Teddy.

This includes his horse, which is why Teddy would later find a sturdier mount.

#2. “If I had ammunition, you would not be here.”

The Situation:

The Mexican-American War didn’t go all that splendidly for Mexico. Still, each side had its heroes, and on the side south of the border, there was General Pedro Maria de Anaya.

Go ahead, make fun of his middle name. He double dares you.

On August 20, 1847, Santa Ana’s army holed up at Churubusco in their continual retreat toward Mexico City. Churubusco was home to the Convent of San Mateo, which offered an ideal defensive position thanks to its enormous stone walls, an abundance of parapets in which to stuff cannons, and hopefully some backup in the form of heavenly blessings. And indeed, the Mexicans did a standup job of repelling the Americans … right until their ammunition supply went kaput.

General Anaya, second in command to General Manuel Rincon and nigh-superhuman holder of the left flank, ordered his men to fight on regardless, barehanded if goddamned necessary. But if Battlefront has taught us anything, it’s that battles aren’t won with melee attacks. Inevitably, a white flag was raised over the convent, and U.S. Brigadier General David Twiggs entered to accept the Mexican generals’ official surrender. When Twiggs confronted Anaya, he asked the good general to surrender his ammunition stores.

Anaya historically replied, “If I had ammunition, you would not be here.”

“And if I had a mic, I would drop it.”

The Aftermath:

Had the Mexican army’s prayers for more ammunition been answered, it would have delayed the inevitable, but ultimately, the Battle of Churubusco (not to mention the greater war) was a hopeless endeavor for Mexico, and the USA has “Texas, California, Nevada, Utah, most of New Mexico and Arizona, and parts of Colorado and Wyoming” to prove it.

Hey, you know what, Mexico? We’d be willing to let you have some of that back.

#1. “Landed. Killed Germans. Fucked off.”

The Situation:

Anders Lassen was a guy who was only good at war. Having left secondary school boasting the lowest examination scores of the year, he was drawn into soldiering in 1940 when Germany occupied his home country of Denmark. In 1941, he landed in the Special Operations Executive, which was recruiting Danes to work as spies. It was here that Lassen’s superiors noticed a few key qualities about the man. Namely, his volatile temper, complete lack of discretion, and utter contempt for the rules — all of which made for a rather shitty spy. Hell, it made for a rather shitty regular soldier, too. However, it perfectly suited him for unconventional, guerilla-style warfare, so Lassen was transferred to the Small Scale Raiding Force and tasked with throwing as many wrenches as possible into the gears of the German war machine.

“You’re being transferred to Lt. Raine’s unit.”

Despite his reckless nature, Lassen distinguished himself with his ability to win battles while taking few casualties. He had a complete lack of regard for danger, and was often noted for his ability to read the terrain and then reach and destroy his objective with lightning speed. This was a man who was at his best when surrounded by chaos. He was brutal, he was violent, and his hatred for Germans was legendary.

And you know what else he hated? Goddamned paperwork.

You see, after a battle, officers are expected to file an operational report — a rundown of events that the bigwigs can analyze to help improve future operations. And Lassen was having absolutely none of that shit. His reports consisted of a mere five words: “Landed. Killed Germans. Fucked off.”

The Aftermath:

As you can imagine, this aggravated his superiors. However, as we’ve already mentioned, Lassen didn’t give a shit, and when pressed to give more details, he would only respond, “It’s done. What else is there to say?”

“You know who else does paperwork? HITLER.”

And he continued to get it done until April 1945. After landing in northeast Italy, Lassen (now a member of the Special Boat Service) and his commandos encountered German sentries. Lassen led an attack on a German machine gun nest and took it out using only a pistol and grenades. Then he did it again. When he made ready to dick-slap a third, the Germans signaled their surrender.

Unfortunately, Lassen made a fatal mistake: He trusted Nazis. When he approached, the “surrendering” Germans opened fire. Lassen was mortally wounded in the belly and midsection, effectively ending the initiative, and when his men tried to get him to safety, he demanded to be left behind to avoid slowing them down. We sincerely hope that, in his honor, they refused to file paperwork on the incident.

Which is why, 71 years later, we have chosen to file a final after-action report even he would approve of. Hopefully.

Having trouble zinging people? Then it’s time you learned from the best. Check out The 23 Most Crushing Insults From All Of History and The 10 Most Devastating Insults Of All Time.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/21/the-6-greatest-moments-in-wartime-smack-talk/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/163237442582

[jimdsmith34]

The 6 Greatest Moments In Wartime Smack Talk

If we were to suddenly find ourselves in the middle of an honest-to-God firefight, the only sick burns we’d be composing would be the ones in our underpants. But as we’ve shown you before, real-life soldiers caught in the quagmire of war seemingly have no problem coming up with badass one-liners that would make an ’80s action movie screenwriter drop to his knees in awe. For example …

#6. “Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?!”

The Situation:

At five feet, six inches tall and 132 pounds, Sergeant Major Dan Daly was like a real-life Steve Rogers, if Steve Rogers had pooh-poohed the super soldier project because his balls pumped out all the super soldier serum he could possibly need. A former Commandant in the Marine Corps once called him “the most outstanding Marine of all time,” and he’s one of only two Marines to ever earn the Medal of Honor twice for separate actions — the other of whom, Major General Smedley Butler, called him “the fightin’est Marine I ever knew.”

His first Medal of Honor came during the Boxer Rebellion in 1900, when he singlehandedly defended a bastion wall swarming with Chinese snipers using only a bayoneted rifle. His second came 15 years later in Haiti, when he retrieved a lost machine gun (which weighed more than he did) from the bottom of a river and proceeded to use it to rain hellfire on the 400 Haitian insurgents who’d ambushed his patrol. That’s right: At an age at which most people start to seriously think about switching to wheat bread, Dan Daly was renewing the nation’s highest award for extraordinary heroism as if that sucker expires.

“I needed a new medal anyway. The ribbon on the old one kept breaking off during sex.”

This brings us up to Daly’s role in World War I and the Battle of Belleau Wood, where the then-First Sergeant risked his life to extinguish an ammo dump that had been struck by enemy fire. Two days later, with his unit pinned down and outgunned by the Germans, Daly walked up and down the line, cheering on each of his machine gun positions and straight-up daring any German bullets to hit him. When he judged it time to launch a counterattack, Daly leapt toward the enemy and shouted, “Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?!”

The Aftermath:

Surprisingly, his men didn’t answer back, “Yeah, that actually sounds great!”

“I didn’t even know that was an option!”

The taunt rallied his fellow soldiers, and Daly led an attack during which he (true to form) singlehandedly eliminated a German machine gun section with a .45 and some grenades. He was recommended for a third Medal of Honor, but someone up the chain downgraded it to a Distinguished Service Cross, maybe figuring that Daly was getting bored with the things by now.

#5. “I’ve got ’em right where I want ’em, surrounded from the inside!”

The Situation:

Jerry “Mad Dog” Shriver was a U.S. Army Special Forces Green Beret who served in the MACV-SOG (Military Assistance Command, Vietnam — Special Operations Group). He slept with a rifle, and packed as many as six revolvers during combat (plus a shotgun and his regular machine gun). You know that action flick trope where the bad guys tell him to disarm, and the badass hero just keeps removing weapons until it gets ridiculous? Shriver invented that. Sometimes referred to as the Real Rambo, Mad Dog survived twice as many missions as the average member of his unit — a unit which exceeded a 100 percent casualty rate because everybody in it was wounded (usually more than once) and fully half of them were killed.

It’s not entirely clear when Shriver earned the “Mad Dog” moniker, but it’s possible that it was in relation to Klaus, a German Shepherd that he’d brought back from Taiwan and which was his closest companion. Once, Klaus yorked on the floor of the Mess after some recon men gave him beer as a gag, and they rubbed his nose in it and threw him outside. When Shriver got wind of this, he went in, drank a beer, set a revolver on the table, and dropped a deuce on the floor. He said, “If you want to rub my nose in this, come on over.” No one did.

And Klaus was promoted to squad leader.

In 1966, Shriver’s recon team was surrounded by North Vietnamese Army soldiers in Cambodia. AK-47 fire rained down on them from all around. As a Forward Air Controller watched the enemy close in on the team from overhead, he radioed down to Shriver with perhaps the biggest understatement of the war: “It sounds pretty bad.”

“No. No,” Shriver responded. “I’ve got ’em right where I want ’em, surrounded from the inside!”

The Aftermath:

Clinking through life as a goddamned walking arsenal comes in handy once in a while. Perhaps not shockingly, turns out it really helps during wartime. Shriver and his team shredded the jungle like they were in the minigun scene from Predator, putting a tear in Mother Nature’s eye and countless bullets and grenade fragments in their NVA aggressors. The attackers were driven back, and with some overhead help from the FAC, the team was safely extracted.

Mad Dog chose to hitchhike back to base.

Eventually, Shriver succumbed to an overdose of toxic masculinity. On April 24, 1969, on approach to the Central Office for South Vietnam as part of the Hatchet Force, his team was pinned down by a machine gun bunker. Shriver rushed the bunker and … went MIA. He was 27 years old — or 189 in Mad Dog years.

#4. “I will give him only six feet of English earth, or seven, for he is taller than other men!”

The Situation:

Way back in 1066, while anxiously awaiting the impending Norman invasion from modern-day France, King Harold Godwinson of England was taken unawares by scads of Norsemen landing from (surprise!) the north. Led by the Viking King Harald III Sigurdsson, the invasion force was allied with Tostig Godwinson — the newly-crowned Harold’s pissed-off younger brother. Possessing the element of surprise, the invaders took the city of York and camped out at Stamford Bridge, where they patiently awaited their reward of hostages and cattle.

By then, the Norse soldiers were tired of piss-filled shark meat.

Instead of spoils, however, the Norsemen were greeted by the surprise arrival of King Harold’s army, which had marched 185 miles in four days. In an effort to stave off aggressions, Harold met with Tostig and offered him a third of his kingdom if only he’d take off the silly horned helmet and abandon the Norsemen. When Tostig in turn asked what Harold would offer Sigurdsson as appeasement, he replied, “I will give him only six feet of English earth, or seven, for he is taller than other men!”

The Aftermath:

Before Harold’s attendants could finish saying, “Aw, snap!” the battle horns sounded. In a true parallel to the story of David and Goliath, a lone Viking defender advanced onto Stamford Bridge and used an obscenely large battle ax to chop down countless English attackers like saplings. In a not-so-biblical moment, the English defeated this Viking Goliath by floating beneath the bridge in a swill tub and spearing him straight in the dick.

To which even Harold said, “Really, bro? No. Not cool.”

The bridge thus seriously, seriously uncoolly cleared, the English army swarmed across and gave the Vikings such a spanking that the Norse never invaded Britain — their traditional punching bag — again.

#3. “Are you afraid to stand when I am on horseback?”

The Situation:

The year was 1898, and the war was of the Spanish-American variety. At the famous Battle of San Juan Hill — part of a decisive initiative to drive the Spanish Army into the Cuban city of Santiago, where they could be laid siege to until they surrendered — Cracked resident badass Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders fought alongside the African American 9th and 10th Cavalry and 24th and 25th Infantry (aka the Buffalo Soldiers). The regiments were bogged down in an exposed position on the banks of the San Juan River, awaiting word to proceed with their assault on the hill.

“Stop, drop, shut ’em down, open up shop.”

When said word finally came, Roosevelt mounted up and rode down the line to urge the men forward, even as bullets zipped all around him — because by God, he didn’t ride a horse all the way to Cuba to not use it. When one soldier was reluctant to stand and stare Death straight in the eye, Roosevelt singled him out and bellowed, “Are you afraid to stand, when I am on horseback?”

The Aftermath:

The cowering soldier stood right up … and was immediately shot dead, definitively demonstrating that not all men are magically goddamn invincible like Teddy.

This includes his horse, which is why Teddy would later find a sturdier mount.

#2. “If I had ammunition, you would not be here.”

The Situation:

The Mexican-American War didn’t go all that splendidly for Mexico. Still, each side had its heroes, and on the side south of the border, there was General Pedro Maria de Anaya.

Go ahead, make fun of his middle name. He double dares you.

On August 20, 1847, Santa Ana’s army holed up at Churubusco in their continual retreat toward Mexico City. Churubusco was home to the Convent of San Mateo, which offered an ideal defensive position thanks to its enormous stone walls, an abundance of parapets in which to stuff cannons, and hopefully some backup in the form of heavenly blessings. And indeed, the Mexicans did a standup job of repelling the Americans … right until their ammunition supply went kaput.

General Anaya, second in command to General Manuel Rincon and nigh-superhuman holder of the left flank, ordered his men to fight on regardless, barehanded if goddamned necessary. But if Battlefront has taught us anything, it’s that battles aren’t won with melee attacks. Inevitably, a white flag was raised over the convent, and U.S. Brigadier General David Twiggs entered to accept the Mexican generals’ official surrender. When Twiggs confronted Anaya, he asked the good general to surrender his ammunition stores.

Anaya historically replied, “If I had ammunition, you would not be here.”

“And if I had a mic, I would drop it.”

The Aftermath:

Had the Mexican army’s prayers for more ammunition been answered, it would have delayed the inevitable, but ultimately, the Battle of Churubusco (not to mention the greater war) was a hopeless endeavor for Mexico, and the USA has “Texas, California, Nevada, Utah, most of New Mexico and Arizona, and parts of Colorado and Wyoming” to prove it.

Hey, you know what, Mexico? We’d be willing to let you have some of that back.

#1. “Landed. Killed Germans. Fucked off.”

The Situation:

Anders Lassen was a guy who was only good at war. Having left secondary school boasting the lowest examination scores of the year, he was drawn into soldiering in 1940 when Germany occupied his home country of Denmark. In 1941, he landed in the Special Operations Executive, which was recruiting Danes to work as spies. It was here that Lassen’s superiors noticed a few key qualities about the man. Namely, his volatile temper, complete lack of discretion, and utter contempt for the rules — all of which made for a rather shitty spy. Hell, it made for a rather shitty regular soldier, too. However, it perfectly suited him for unconventional, guerilla-style warfare, so Lassen was transferred to the Small Scale Raiding Force and tasked with throwing as many wrenches as possible into the gears of the German war machine.

“You’re being transferred to Lt. Raine’s unit.”

Despite his reckless nature, Lassen distinguished himself with his ability to win battles while taking few casualties. He had a complete lack of regard for danger, and was often noted for his ability to read the terrain and then reach and destroy his objective with lightning speed. This was a man who was at his best when surrounded by chaos. He was brutal, he was violent, and his hatred for Germans was legendary.

And you know what else he hated? Goddamned paperwork.

You see, after a battle, officers are expected to file an operational report — a rundown of events that the bigwigs can analyze to help improve future operations. And Lassen was having absolutely none of that shit. His reports consisted of a mere five words: “Landed. Killed Germans. Fucked off.”

The Aftermath:

As you can imagine, this aggravated his superiors. However, as we’ve already mentioned, Lassen didn’t give a shit, and when pressed to give more details, he would only respond, “It’s done. What else is there to say?”

“You know who else does paperwork? HITLER.”

And he continued to get it done until April 1945. After landing in northeast Italy, Lassen (now a member of the Special Boat Service) and his commandos encountered German sentries. Lassen led an attack on a German machine gun nest and took it out using only a pistol and grenades. Then he did it again. When he made ready to dick-slap a third, the Germans signaled their surrender.

Unfortunately, Lassen made a fatal mistake: He trusted Nazis. When he approached, the “surrendering” Germans opened fire. Lassen was mortally wounded in the belly and midsection, effectively ending the initiative, and when his men tried to get him to safety, he demanded to be left behind to avoid slowing them down. We sincerely hope that, in his honor, they refused to file paperwork on the incident.

Which is why, 71 years later, we have chosen to file a final after-action report even he would approve of. Hopefully.

Having trouble zinging people? Then it’s time you learned from the best. Check out The 23 Most Crushing Insults From All Of History and The 10 Most Devastating Insults Of All Time.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/21/the-6-greatest-moments-in-wartime-smack-talk/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/07/the-6-greatest-moments-in-wartime-smack.html

[allofbeercom]

The 6 Greatest Moments In Wartime Smack Talk

If we were to suddenly find ourselves in the middle of an honest-to-God firefight, the only sick burns we’d be composing would be the ones in our underpants. But as we’ve shown you before, real-life soldiers caught in the quagmire of war seemingly have no problem coming up with badass one-liners that would make an ’80s action movie screenwriter drop to his knees in awe. For example …

#6. “Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?!”

The Situation:

At five feet, six inches tall and 132 pounds, Sergeant Major Dan Daly was like a real-life Steve Rogers, if Steve Rogers had pooh-poohed the super soldier project because his balls pumped out all the super soldier serum he could possibly need. A former Commandant in the Marine Corps once called him “the most outstanding Marine of all time,” and he’s one of only two Marines to ever earn the Medal of Honor twice for separate actions — the other of whom, Major General Smedley Butler, called him “the fightin’est Marine I ever knew.”

His first Medal of Honor came during the Boxer Rebellion in 1900, when he singlehandedly defended a bastion wall swarming with Chinese snipers using only a bayoneted rifle. His second came 15 years later in Haiti, when he retrieved a lost machine gun (which weighed more than he did) from the bottom of a river and proceeded to use it to rain hellfire on the 400 Haitian insurgents who’d ambushed his patrol. That’s right: At an age at which most people start to seriously think about switching to wheat bread, Dan Daly was renewing the nation’s highest award for extraordinary heroism as if that sucker expires.

“I needed a new medal anyway. The ribbon on the old one kept breaking off during sex.”

This brings us up to Daly’s role in World War I and the Battle of Belleau Wood, where the then-First Sergeant risked his life to extinguish an ammo dump that had been struck by enemy fire. Two days later, with his unit pinned down and outgunned by the Germans, Daly walked up and down the line, cheering on each of his machine gun positions and straight-up daring any German bullets to hit him. When he judged it time to launch a counterattack, Daly leapt toward the enemy and shouted, “Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?!”

The Aftermath:

Surprisingly, his men didn’t answer back, “Yeah, that actually sounds great!”

“I didn’t even know that was an option!”

The taunt rallied his fellow soldiers, and Daly led an attack during which he (true to form) singlehandedly eliminated a German machine gun section with a .45 and some grenades. He was recommended for a third Medal of Honor, but someone up the chain downgraded it to a Distinguished Service Cross, maybe figuring that Daly was getting bored with the things by now.

#5. “I’ve got ’em right where I want ’em, surrounded from the inside!”

The Situation:

Jerry “Mad Dog” Shriver was a U.S. Army Special Forces Green Beret who served in the MACV-SOG (Military Assistance Command, Vietnam — Special Operations Group). He slept with a rifle, and packed as many as six revolvers during combat (plus a shotgun and his regular machine gun). You know that action flick trope where the bad guys tell him to disarm, and the badass hero just keeps removing weapons until it gets ridiculous? Shriver invented that. Sometimes referred to as the Real Rambo, Mad Dog survived twice as many missions as the average member of his unit — a unit which exceeded a 100 percent casualty rate because everybody in it was wounded (usually more than once) and fully half of them were killed.

It’s not entirely clear when Shriver earned the “Mad Dog” moniker, but it’s possible that it was in relation to Klaus, a German Shepherd that he’d brought back from Taiwan and which was his closest companion. Once, Klaus yorked on the floor of the Mess after some recon men gave him beer as a gag, and they rubbed his nose in it and threw him outside. When Shriver got wind of this, he went in, drank a beer, set a revolver on the table, and dropped a deuce on the floor. He said, “If you want to rub my nose in this, come on over.” No one did.

And Klaus was promoted to squad leader.

In 1966, Shriver’s recon team was surrounded by North Vietnamese Army soldiers in Cambodia. AK-47 fire rained down on them from all around. As a Forward Air Controller watched the enemy close in on the team from overhead, he radioed down to Shriver with perhaps the biggest understatement of the war: “It sounds pretty bad.”

“No. No,” Shriver responded. “I’ve got ’em right where I want ’em, surrounded from the inside!”

The Aftermath:

Clinking through life as a goddamned walking arsenal comes in handy once in a while. Perhaps not shockingly, turns out it really helps during wartime. Shriver and his team shredded the jungle like they were in the minigun scene from Predator, putting a tear in Mother Nature’s eye and countless bullets and grenade fragments in their NVA aggressors. The attackers were driven back, and with some overhead help from the FAC, the team was safely extracted.

Mad Dog chose to hitchhike back to base.

Eventually, Shriver succumbed to an overdose of toxic masculinity. On April 24, 1969, on approach to the Central Office for South Vietnam as part of the Hatchet Force, his team was pinned down by a machine gun bunker. Shriver rushed the bunker and … went MIA. He was 27 years old — or 189 in Mad Dog years.

#4. “I will give him only six feet of English earth, or seven, for he is taller than other men!”

The Situation:

Way back in 1066, while anxiously awaiting the impending Norman invasion from modern-day France, King Harold Godwinson of England was taken unawares by scads of Norsemen landing from (surprise!) the north. Led by the Viking King Harald III Sigurdsson, the invasion force was allied with Tostig Godwinson — the newly-crowned Harold’s pissed-off younger brother. Possessing the element of surprise, the invaders took the city of York and camped out at Stamford Bridge, where they patiently awaited their reward of hostages and cattle.

By then, the Norse soldiers were tired of piss-filled shark meat.

Instead of spoils, however, the Norsemen were greeted by the surprise arrival of King Harold’s army, which had marched 185 miles in four days. In an effort to stave off aggressions, Harold met with Tostig and offered him a third of his kingdom if only he’d take off the silly horned helmet and abandon the Norsemen. When Tostig in turn asked what Harold would offer Sigurdsson as appeasement, he replied, “I will give him only six feet of English earth, or seven, for he is taller than other men!”

The Aftermath:

Before Harold’s attendants could finish saying, “Aw, snap!” the battle horns sounded. In a true parallel to the story of David and Goliath, a lone Viking defender advanced onto Stamford Bridge and used an obscenely large battle ax to chop down countless English attackers like saplings. In a not-so-biblical moment, the English defeated this Viking Goliath by floating beneath the bridge in a swill tub and spearing him straight in the dick.

To which even Harold said, “Really, bro? No. Not cool.”

The bridge thus seriously, seriously uncoolly cleared, the English army swarmed across and gave the Vikings such a spanking that the Norse never invaded Britain — their traditional punching bag — again.

#3. “Are you afraid to stand when I am on horseback?”

The Situation:

The year was 1898, and the war was of the Spanish-American variety. At the famous Battle of San Juan Hill — part of a decisive initiative to drive the Spanish Army into the Cuban city of Santiago, where they could be laid siege to until they surrendered — Cracked resident badass Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders fought alongside the African American 9th and 10th Cavalry and 24th and 25th Infantry (aka the Buffalo Soldiers). The regiments were bogged down in an exposed position on the banks of the San Juan River, awaiting word to proceed with their assault on the hill.

“Stop, drop, shut ’em down, open up shop.”

When said word finally came, Roosevelt mounted up and rode down the line to urge the men forward, even as bullets zipped all around him — because by God, he didn’t ride a horse all the way to Cuba to not use it. When one soldier was reluctant to stand and stare Death straight in the eye, Roosevelt singled him out and bellowed, “Are you afraid to stand, when I am on horseback?”

The Aftermath:

The cowering soldier stood right up … and was immediately shot dead, definitively demonstrating that not all men are magically goddamn invincible like Teddy.

This includes his horse, which is why Teddy would later find a sturdier mount.

#2. “If I had ammunition, you would not be here.”

The Situation:

The Mexican-American War didn’t go all that splendidly for Mexico. Still, each side had its heroes, and on the side south of the border, there was General Pedro Maria de Anaya.

Go ahead, make fun of his middle name. He double dares you.

On August 20, 1847, Santa Ana’s army holed up at Churubusco in their continual retreat toward Mexico City. Churubusco was home to the Convent of San Mateo, which offered an ideal defensive position thanks to its enormous stone walls, an abundance of parapets in which to stuff cannons, and hopefully some backup in the form of heavenly blessings. And indeed, the Mexicans did a standup job of repelling the Americans … right until their ammunition supply went kaput.

General Anaya, second in command to General Manuel Rincon and nigh-superhuman holder of the left flank, ordered his men to fight on regardless, barehanded if goddamned necessary. But if Battlefront has taught us anything, it’s that battles aren’t won with melee attacks. Inevitably, a white flag was raised over the convent, and U.S. Brigadier General David Twiggs entered to accept the Mexican generals’ official surrender. When Twiggs confronted Anaya, he asked the good general to surrender his ammunition stores.

Anaya historically replied, “If I had ammunition, you would not be here.”

“And if I had a mic, I would drop it.”

The Aftermath:

Had the Mexican army’s prayers for more ammunition been answered, it would have delayed the inevitable, but ultimately, the Battle of Churubusco (not to mention the greater war) was a hopeless endeavor for Mexico, and the USA has “Texas, California, Nevada, Utah, most of New Mexico and Arizona, and parts of Colorado and Wyoming” to prove it.

Hey, you know what, Mexico? We’d be willing to let you have some of that back.

#1. “Landed. Killed Germans. Fucked off.”

The Situation:

Anders Lassen was a guy who was only good at war. Having left secondary school boasting the lowest examination scores of the year, he was drawn into soldiering in 1940 when Germany occupied his home country of Denmark. In 1941, he landed in the Special Operations Executive, which was recruiting Danes to work as spies. It was here that Lassen’s superiors noticed a few key qualities about the man. Namely, his volatile temper, complete lack of discretion, and utter contempt for the rules — all of which made for a rather shitty spy. Hell, it made for a rather shitty regular soldier, too. However, it perfectly suited him for unconventional, guerilla-style warfare, so Lassen was transferred to the Small Scale Raiding Force and tasked with throwing as many wrenches as possible into the gears of the German war machine.

“You’re being transferred to Lt. Raine’s unit.”

Despite his reckless nature, Lassen distinguished himself with his ability to win battles while taking few casualties. He had a complete lack of regard for danger, and was often noted for his ability to read the terrain and then reach and destroy his objective with lightning speed. This was a man who was at his best when surrounded by chaos. He was brutal, he was violent, and his hatred for Germans was legendary.

And you know what else he hated? Goddamned paperwork.

You see, after a battle, officers are expected to file an operational report — a rundown of events that the bigwigs can analyze to help improve future operations. And Lassen was having absolutely none of that shit. His reports consisted of a mere five words: “Landed. Killed Germans. Fucked off.”

The Aftermath:

As you can imagine, this aggravated his superiors. However, as we’ve already mentioned, Lassen didn’t give a shit, and when pressed to give more details, he would only respond, “It’s done. What else is there to say?”

“You know who else does paperwork? HITLER.”

And he continued to get it done until April 1945. After landing in northeast Italy, Lassen (now a member of the Special Boat Service) and his commandos encountered German sentries. Lassen led an attack on a German machine gun nest and took it out using only a pistol and grenades. Then he did it again. When he made ready to dick-slap a third, the Germans signaled their surrender.

Unfortunately, Lassen made a fatal mistake: He trusted Nazis. When he approached, the “surrendering” Germans opened fire. Lassen was mortally wounded in the belly and midsection, effectively ending the initiative, and when his men tried to get him to safety, he demanded to be left behind to avoid slowing them down. We sincerely hope that, in his honor, they refused to file paperwork on the incident.

Which is why, 71 years later, we have chosen to file a final after-action report even he would approve of. Hopefully.

Having trouble zinging people? Then it’s time you learned from the best. Check out The 23 Most Crushing Insults From All Of History and The 10 Most Devastating Insults Of All Time.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/21/the-6-greatest-moments-in-wartime-smack-talk/

[samanthasroberts]

The 6 Greatest Moments In Wartime Smack Talk

If we were to suddenly find ourselves in the middle of an honest-to-God firefight, the only sick burns we’d be composing would be the ones in our underpants. But as we’ve shown you before, real-life soldiers caught in the quagmire of war seemingly have no problem coming up with badass one-liners that would make an ’80s action movie screenwriter drop to his knees in awe. For example …

#6. “Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?!”

The Situation:

At five feet, six inches tall and 132 pounds, Sergeant Major Dan Daly was like a real-life Steve Rogers, if Steve Rogers had pooh-poohed the super soldier project because his balls pumped out all the super soldier serum he could possibly need. A former Commandant in the Marine Corps once called him “the most outstanding Marine of all time,” and he’s one of only two Marines to ever earn the Medal of Honor twice for separate actions — the other of whom, Major General Smedley Butler, called him “the fightin’est Marine I ever knew.”

His first Medal of Honor came during the Boxer Rebellion in 1900, when he singlehandedly defended a bastion wall swarming with Chinese snipers using only a bayoneted rifle. His second came 15 years later in Haiti, when he retrieved a lost machine gun (which weighed more than he did) from the bottom of a river and proceeded to use it to rain hellfire on the 400 Haitian insurgents who’d ambushed his patrol. That’s right: At an age at which most people start to seriously think about switching to wheat bread, Dan Daly was renewing the nation’s highest award for extraordinary heroism as if that sucker expires.

“I needed a new medal anyway. The ribbon on the old one kept breaking off during sex.”

This brings us up to Daly’s role in World War I and the Battle of Belleau Wood, where the then-First Sergeant risked his life to extinguish an ammo dump that had been struck by enemy fire. Two days later, with his unit pinned down and outgunned by the Germans, Daly walked up and down the line, cheering on each of his machine gun positions and straight-up daring any German bullets to hit him. When he judged it time to launch a counterattack, Daly leapt toward the enemy and shouted, “Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?!”

The Aftermath:

Surprisingly, his men didn’t answer back, “Yeah, that actually sounds great!”

“I didn’t even know that was an option!”

The taunt rallied his fellow soldiers, and Daly led an attack during which he (true to form) singlehandedly eliminated a German machine gun section with a .45 and some grenades. He was recommended for a third Medal of Honor, but someone up the chain downgraded it to a Distinguished Service Cross, maybe figuring that Daly was getting bored with the things by now.

#5. “I’ve got ’em right where I want ’em, surrounded from the inside!”

The Situation:

Jerry “Mad Dog” Shriver was a U.S. Army Special Forces Green Beret who served in the MACV-SOG (Military Assistance Command, Vietnam — Special Operations Group). He slept with a rifle, and packed as many as six revolvers during combat (plus a shotgun and his regular machine gun). You know that action flick trope where the bad guys tell him to disarm, and the badass hero just keeps removing weapons until it gets ridiculous? Shriver invented that. Sometimes referred to as the Real Rambo, Mad Dog survived twice as many missions as the average member of his unit — a unit which exceeded a 100 percent casualty rate because everybody in it was wounded (usually more than once) and fully half of them were killed.

It’s not entirely clear when Shriver earned the “Mad Dog” moniker, but it’s possible that it was in relation to Klaus, a German Shepherd that he’d brought back from Taiwan and which was his closest companion. Once, Klaus yorked on the floor of the Mess after some recon men gave him beer as a gag, and they rubbed his nose in it and threw him outside. When Shriver got wind of this, he went in, drank a beer, set a revolver on the table, and dropped a deuce on the floor. He said, “If you want to rub my nose in this, come on over.” No one did.

And Klaus was promoted to squad leader.

In 1966, Shriver’s recon team was surrounded by North Vietnamese Army soldiers in Cambodia. AK-47 fire rained down on them from all around. As a Forward Air Controller watched the enemy close in on the team from overhead, he radioed down to Shriver with perhaps the biggest understatement of the war: “It sounds pretty bad.”

“No. No,” Shriver responded. “I’ve got ’em right where I want ’em, surrounded from the inside!”

The Aftermath:

Clinking through life as a goddamned walking arsenal comes in handy once in a while. Perhaps not shockingly, turns out it really helps during wartime. Shriver and his team shredded the jungle like they were in the minigun scene from Predator, putting a tear in Mother Nature’s eye and countless bullets and grenade fragments in their NVA aggressors. The attackers were driven back, and with some overhead help from the FAC, the team was safely extracted.

Mad Dog chose to hitchhike back to base.

Eventually, Shriver succumbed to an overdose of toxic masculinity. On April 24, 1969, on approach to the Central Office for South Vietnam as part of the Hatchet Force, his team was pinned down by a machine gun bunker. Shriver rushed the bunker and … went MIA. He was 27 years old — or 189 in Mad Dog years.

#4. “I will give him only six feet of English earth, or seven, for he is taller than other men!”

The Situation:

Way back in 1066, while anxiously awaiting the impending Norman invasion from modern-day France, King Harold Godwinson of England was taken unawares by scads of Norsemen landing from (surprise!) the north. Led by the Viking King Harald III Sigurdsson, the invasion force was allied with Tostig Godwinson — the newly-crowned Harold’s pissed-off younger brother. Possessing the element of surprise, the invaders took the city of York and camped out at Stamford Bridge, where they patiently awaited their reward of hostages and cattle.

By then, the Norse soldiers were tired of piss-filled shark meat.

Instead of spoils, however, the Norsemen were greeted by the surprise arrival of King Harold’s army, which had marched 185 miles in four days. In an effort to stave off aggressions, Harold met with Tostig and offered him a third of his kingdom if only he’d take off the silly horned helmet and abandon the Norsemen. When Tostig in turn asked what Harold would offer Sigurdsson as appeasement, he replied, “I will give him only six feet of English earth, or seven, for he is taller than other men!”

The Aftermath:

Before Harold’s attendants could finish saying, “Aw, snap!” the battle horns sounded. In a true parallel to the story of David and Goliath, a lone Viking defender advanced onto Stamford Bridge and used an obscenely large battle ax to chop down countless English attackers like saplings. In a not-so-biblical moment, the English defeated this Viking Goliath by floating beneath the bridge in a swill tub and spearing him straight in the dick.

To which even Harold said, “Really, bro? No. Not cool.”

The bridge thus seriously, seriously uncoolly cleared, the English army swarmed across and gave the Vikings such a spanking that the Norse never invaded Britain — their traditional punching bag — again.

#3. “Are you afraid to stand when I am on horseback?”

The Situation:

The year was 1898, and the war was of the Spanish-American variety. At the famous Battle of San Juan Hill — part of a decisive initiative to drive the Spanish Army into the Cuban city of Santiago, where they could be laid siege to until they surrendered — Cracked resident badass Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders fought alongside the African American 9th and 10th Cavalry and 24th and 25th Infantry (aka the Buffalo Soldiers). The regiments were bogged down in an exposed position on the banks of the San Juan River, awaiting word to proceed with their assault on the hill.

“Stop, drop, shut ’em down, open up shop.”

When said word finally came, Roosevelt mounted up and rode down the line to urge the men forward, even as bullets zipped all around him — because by God, he didn’t ride a horse all the way to Cuba to not use it. When one soldier was reluctant to stand and stare Death straight in the eye, Roosevelt singled him out and bellowed, “Are you afraid to stand, when I am on horseback?”

The Aftermath:

The cowering soldier stood right up … and was immediately shot dead, definitively demonstrating that not all men are magically goddamn invincible like Teddy.

This includes his horse, which is why Teddy would later find a sturdier mount.

#2. “If I had ammunition, you would not be here.”

The Situation:

The Mexican-American War didn’t go all that splendidly for Mexico. Still, each side had its heroes, and on the side south of the border, there was General Pedro Maria de Anaya.

Go ahead, make fun of his middle name. He double dares you.

On August 20, 1847, Santa Ana’s army holed up at Churubusco in their continual retreat toward Mexico City. Churubusco was home to the Convent of San Mateo, which offered an ideal defensive position thanks to its enormous stone walls, an abundance of parapets in which to stuff cannons, and hopefully some backup in the form of heavenly blessings. And indeed, the Mexicans did a standup job of repelling the Americans … right until their ammunition supply went kaput.

General Anaya, second in command to General Manuel Rincon and nigh-superhuman holder of the left flank, ordered his men to fight on regardless, barehanded if goddamned necessary. But if Battlefront has taught us anything, it’s that battles aren’t won with melee attacks. Inevitably, a white flag was raised over the convent, and U.S. Brigadier General David Twiggs entered to accept the Mexican generals’ official surrender. When Twiggs confronted Anaya, he asked the good general to surrender his ammunition stores.

Anaya historically replied, “If I had ammunition, you would not be here.”

“And if I had a mic, I would drop it.”

The Aftermath:

Had the Mexican army’s prayers for more ammunition been answered, it would have delayed the inevitable, but ultimately, the Battle of Churubusco (not to mention the greater war) was a hopeless endeavor for Mexico, and the USA has “Texas, California, Nevada, Utah, most of New Mexico and Arizona, and parts of Colorado and Wyoming” to prove it.

Hey, you know what, Mexico? We’d be willing to let you have some of that back.

#1. “Landed. Killed Germans. Fucked off.”

The Situation:

Anders Lassen was a guy who was only good at war. Having left secondary school boasting the lowest examination scores of the year, he was drawn into soldiering in 1940 when Germany occupied his home country of Denmark. In 1941, he landed in the Special Operations Executive, which was recruiting Danes to work as spies. It was here that Lassen’s superiors noticed a few key qualities about the man. Namely, his volatile temper, complete lack of discretion, and utter contempt for the rules — all of which made for a rather shitty spy. Hell, it made for a rather shitty regular soldier, too. However, it perfectly suited him for unconventional, guerilla-style warfare, so Lassen was transferred to the Small Scale Raiding Force and tasked with throwing as many wrenches as possible into the gears of the German war machine.

“You’re being transferred to Lt. Raine’s unit.”

Despite his reckless nature, Lassen distinguished himself with his ability to win battles while taking few casualties. He had a complete lack of regard for danger, and was often noted for his ability to read the terrain and then reach and destroy his objective with lightning speed. This was a man who was at his best when surrounded by chaos. He was brutal, he was violent, and his hatred for Germans was legendary.

And you know what else he hated? Goddamned paperwork.

You see, after a battle, officers are expected to file an operational report — a rundown of events that the bigwigs can analyze to help improve future operations. And Lassen was having absolutely none of that shit. His reports consisted of a mere five words: “Landed. Killed Germans. Fucked off.”

The Aftermath:

As you can imagine, this aggravated his superiors. However, as we’ve already mentioned, Lassen didn’t give a shit, and when pressed to give more details, he would only respond, “It’s done. What else is there to say?”

“You know who else does paperwork? HITLER.”

And he continued to get it done until April 1945. After landing in northeast Italy, Lassen (now a member of the Special Boat Service) and his commandos encountered German sentries. Lassen led an attack on a German machine gun nest and took it out using only a pistol and grenades. Then he did it again. When he made ready to dick-slap a third, the Germans signaled their surrender.

Unfortunately, Lassen made a fatal mistake: He trusted Nazis. When he approached, the “surrendering” Germans opened fire. Lassen was mortally wounded in the belly and midsection, effectively ending the initiative, and when his men tried to get him to safety, he demanded to be left behind to avoid slowing them down. We sincerely hope that, in his honor, they refused to file paperwork on the incident.

Which is why, 71 years later, we have chosen to file a final after-action report even he would approve of. Hopefully.

Having trouble zinging people? Then it’s time you learned from the best. Check out The 23 Most Crushing Insults From All Of History and The 10 Most Devastating Insults Of All Time.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/21/the-6-greatest-moments-in-wartime-smack-talk/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/the-6-greatest-moments-in-wartime-smack-talk/

[usamotorscycle-blog]

2017 Yamaha YZF-R6 Review

Here’s a quick reminder of what was going on in the world in 2006: Dick Cheney, then Vice President of the United States, shot a man in the face. Pluto was demoted from plain ‘ol planet to a dwarf planet. Steve Irwin, everyone’s favorite crocodile hunter, and Don Knotts, everyone’s favorite aloof deputy, both passed away. Oscar-winning actor Mel Gibson was pulled over for a DUI in Los Angeles, where he then went on a full-blown, drunken, anti-semitic rant. Pop icon Britney Spears was on her downward spiral, filing for divorce from the father of her two kids less than two years after they wed. Saddam Hussein met his maker. Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” was atop the Billboard charts for 10 consecutive weeks, longer than any other song that year. Yamaha introduced the third generation YZF-R6. Yep, 2006 was quite a year, and if you discount the R6’s relatively minor revamp in 2008, Yamaha’s venerable 600cc middleweight has been going strong for more than a decade. Along the way it’s racked up numerous race wins and domestic Supersport championships around the world, capped off with three World Supersport titles, too. Heck, even I won a championship aboard a five-year-old R6 in 2011. When it comes to middleweight sportbikes, if you want to win, the R6 has become the de facto bike of choice. The only other machine I can think of with longer lasting power for its class is the Suzuki SV650.

This photo, along with the Yamaha R6 in it, is 11 years old. All these years later, the same basic bike is still the king of the middleweights. Time has been kind to the R6, too; the economic collapse meant manufacturers were no longer retooling their middleweights every two years, and once the economic environment showed signs of stability, OEMs turned their sportbike attentions to the literbike field. But the time has come for the R6 to finally get some fresh duds, and Yamaha has borrowed heavily from its R1 big brother for inspiration when giving the R6 a makeover. And finally, it’s time to ride it. 8 Things You Didn’t Know About The 2017 Yamaha R6 Keeping What Works And Adding More Fresh styling initially wowed us when the new R6 made its debut at AIMExpo last year, but after reading the press materials and Yamaha’s presentation there was a glaring component nobody talked about: its engine. It turns out the heart of the new R6 is, well, the same as the old R6 – no modifications, changes, or anything. Not that this is a bad thing; with a resume like the previous R6 engine has if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Much of the new R6’s major updates are captured here. From the updated instrument display you can see the bar labeling the traction-control settings and ride-mode position. At the bottom of the picture is the new KYB fork, borrowed from the R1 and adapted for use in the R6. And off to the right is the new Nissin master cylinder, replacing the Brembo unit of yesteryear. While the engine might be the same as before, the R6 is entering into modern sportbike times with a few electronic bits inspired by its R1 big bro. Like many other Yamahas, the R6 now sees three drive modes – A, STD, and B – with A delivering aggressive throttle response, B soft response, and STD somewhere in the middle. Traction control and ABS are new additions to the R6 as well, but unlike the R1, the R6 relies on wheel-speed sensors to control both functions, without the assistance of an IMU. TC is adjustable between six levels plus off, and reacts to excessive wheelspin by first retarding ignition timing before limiting fuel and/or electronically closing the throttle butterflies. ABS, meanwhile, is non-defeatable.

Yamaha claims the new fairing design on the R6 is the most aerodynamic of any production Yamaha, and here we get a side-by-side view of the difference between old and new. From the rider’s standpoint, the most obvious benefit of the new design is smoother airflow over the rider’s head. But the biggest and most obvious difference between old and new R6 is its appearance. Personally, I thought the old bike’s design has held up pretty well over the course of 11 years, but to me the 2017 bodywork is a clear step ahead. Borrowing inspiration again from the R1, the R6 has a similar nose and front intake opening. From there, the R6’s angular daytime running lights and alien-eye headlights tucked at the bottom of the fairing also mimic its big brother. The windscreen is now higher, too – raised 50mm (2 inches) compared to its predecessor. This continuation of the R series DNA applies to the rear of the bike, as the tail features hollow sections on either side of the passenger pad, just like the R1. When all is said and done, Yamaha says wind resistance with the new bodystyle, including rider onboard, is reduced by 8%, making it the most aerodynamic production Yamaha to date. In fact, the Yamaha folks tell us that in testing the new bike gained approximately 4 mph more top speed compared to the previous bike, just from the new fairing alone. From there, changes are relatively minor. The frame remains the same as before, as does the swingarm, though the magnesium subframe has a new 20mm narrower design. Aluminum is now the material of choice for the fuel tank, shaving nearly three pounds compared to its steel counterpart. Where Yamaha engineers primarily focused on was the front end. KYB provides the 43mm fork, borrowed from the R1 (with valving and rates better suited for the R6), which is 2mm thicker than the previous fork. The front axle is larger as well, up 3mm to 25mm. Both these additions add rigidity to the chassis, which forced engineers to make a smaller lower triple clamp to reintroduce the flex and front-end feel riders appreciate.

The hollow sections of the tail is the result of heavy influence from the R1. A 5mm rise where the seat meets the tank is supposed to add a little comfort, while the section just behind it is narrowed 8mm to help vertically challenged get a foot on the ground. Other changes to the front include 320mm rotors, up 10mm from before, still clamped by four-pot calipers. The difference for 2017 is a change in front master cylinder. Nissin replaces Brembo in an attempt to provide additional feel at the lever – a criticism of the previous system. In the rear there’s also a new KYB shock, along with a compact rear caliper. The big electronic feature carried over from the R1 to the R6 is the ability to plug in the accessory Yamaha CCU, or Communication Control Unit. For $700, R6 riders serious about their lap times can simply plug in Yamaha’s data-acquisition module, download an app on either an iOS or Android device, and then have the ability to download data from each of their track sessions. Among the many parameters recorded are traction-control activation, front and rear ABS activation, lean angle, engine speed, wheel speeds, throttle position, gear position, front and rear brake pressures, coolant temperature, and of course lap times. Those parameters are then outlined along with a marker noting your position on the racetrack, so you can see how you and your inputs are affecting the bike at any given point on the track. There’s also the option to overlay multiple laps, and even send data back and forth to other people to study what they are doing.

Brake discs are bigger now, and the wheel-speed sensor in the center is used for both ABS and traction-control functions. Both Bridgestone and Dunlop are supplying tires for the R6. New Recipe, Same Great Taste I can understand why one would be sad or disappointed with Yamaha for keeping the R6 engine the same as it’s been for more than a decade. But here’s the thing: it’s still a ripper of an inline-Four that screams to 16,000 rpm, as I discovered during Yamaha’s press introduction of the bike at Thunderhill Raceway in Northern California. Rounding the final right-hand bend leading onto the front straight, the tach needle rockets towards the end of its sweep as my wrist turns to the stop. With the shift light blaring in my face, the engine below wailing into my ears, and the beautiful green scenery – the result of a very wet winter in California – zipping past my periphery in a 130 mph blur as I’m tucked in behind the windscreen, the last thing I felt was a want for more power.

We’ve never had any complaints with the R6’s chassis before, and I was reminded why during this track ride. It’s simply an agile and athletic package that’s as potent now as it was all those years ago. This R6 engine propels the bike with a sense of urgency that’s invigorating, without the levels of fear, fright, or rapid brain calculations you get with a liter-class sportbike. It rewards a skilled rider because they can’t rely on R1 levels of power, and it feels instantly familiar the moment you turn a lap on it. That said, a newer sport rider would still feel comfortable on it thanks to smooth throttle response in the STD setting (A mode borders on being slightly too aggressive for a new middleweight rider). Seat height hasn’t changed from its previous 33.5 inches, but the lip at the seat/tank junction has been raised 5mm, while the mid-section has been narrowed 8mm. The former helps reduce the tendency for the rider to get angled toward the tank, while the latter helps make it easier for shorter riders to touch the ground. The bikes we were given to ride at this launch were equipped with the accessory quickshifter ($199.99) which the R6 is already pre-wired to accept. It only works during upshifts, but nonetheless, I maintain it’s an item that should be standard on every new motorcycle. Having been spoiled by the power of literbikes lately, I came to heavily appreciate the quickshifter on the R6 since you’re shifting more on a 600 compared to the big bikes. The system works well, but it’s not quite as refined as the quickshifter from the new Honda CBR1000RR – the best unit I’ve tried to date. Down-changes are done the old-fashioned way, and thanks to the slipper clutch you can bang off consecutive downshifts, dump the clutch, and let the slipper take care of the rear tire while you set up for a turn.

With my 5-foot, 8-inch frame, I could barely keep my elbows and knees separated in a tuck. And I did notice a calm pocket of air in front of me as well. The taller windscreen definitely helps direct air over the head instead of in your face. Of course it’s not surprising the engine performance is exhilarating around a racetrack. This has been a hallmark of the R6 its whole life. But since there’s nothing new there, the question then turns to the changes and additions Yamaha did make to the R6, starting with the front end. For comparison purposes Yamaha brought a 2016 R6 to try, and after riding old and new back-to-back (though I was only allowed three laps on the old bike) my consensus is… it’s really difficult to tell a difference. The rider triangle between old and new is the same, and obviously the engine, frame, and swingarm are all the same; the only major difference here being the fork, axle, and triple clamp. If I were forced to split hairs, then there’s a chance I felt a small difference on the new bike, but a more definitive answer would probably only come from elite racers.

Even in the wet there’s enough grunt for a little power wheelie in second gear, thanks to Bridgestone’s W01 full-wet race rubber. Where the new bike does get an advantage over old is in two key areas: brakes and electronics. With the bigger discs, and especially the change to a Nissin master cylinder, front-end feel from the front lever is much better than before. And with the standard ABS, I had that extra bit of confidence to pound on both levers as hard as I dared while braking from 120 mph along the back straight down to 50 mph, without fear of a lockup. No, the R6 is not equipped with Cornering-ABS, but the standard system it has works surprisingly well in a track environment. Meanwhile, the benefits of traction control should be obvious by now, and having it on the new R6 provides a safety net that made me feel comfortable pushing just a little harder. As it turns out, our test day was greeted by mixed weather. Rain the night before left the track damp in the morning, making conditions tricky with the R10 track rubber Bridgestone provided. With this in mind, my own throttle inputs were delivered with extreme care. So much so that I never activated the traction control, as verified by the data collected by the CCU. The Hard Truth At the end of the day, the new R6 is a definite step above the model it’s replacing, despite keeping many of the same critical components. I’m not complaining about the screamer of an engine and the beautiful handling from its chassis. The new bike jumps ahead by virtue of its revised brakes and electronics package that elevate the bike just enough to call it a worthy improvement. We also think the new bike looks better than the old.

That being said, at $12,199, if I already owned a third-gen R6, the new one isn’t enough of a step forward to make me want to ditch it. Especially since the aftermarket is filled with options to improve any of the perceived shortcomings (except its looks, if you perceive that as a shortcoming). 2017 Yamaha YZF-R6 + Highs Killer looks Brakes finally have feel! Engine and chassis as good as ever – Sighs Missed opportunity for a new Triple? Quickshifter should be standard Why should I sell my old R6 for this one? However, if you’re looking at entering the supersport category and you want the sharpest tool available, you’d be hard-pressed to find something better than the new R6. It’s proof that, at least as far as Yamaha’s concerned, the 600 supersport class isn’t going anywhere.

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