#BJ then avoids Hawkeye for a few days because he feels so awful about what happened | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

angryhausfrau-writes · 4 years ago

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Something Old and Something New - Chapter 2: California Dreaming

“Letter for you dear – it's from Hawkeye.”

BJ rushes to collect the letter from the kitchen table.

He and Hawkeye have been writing back and forth since they got home – Hawkeye since literally the day after he landed stateside – and they average several letters a month. Simple letters about simple lives. But each letter is a precious connection to the man he'd been best friends with in Korea – and BJ still feels the same fluttering excitement at this letter as he did the first.

He kisses Peg on the cheek, pours himself a drink, and retreats to his office. This is something to be savored.

And of course he'll tell Peg everything in the letter – Hawkeye always includes plenty of amusing gossip – but BJ likes that first read through or five to be his alone. Likes to let the rest of the world fall away, let the sounds of his wife and children and the steady thrum of the washing machine be muffled by the closed door and the haze of memory and pretend it's just him and Hawkeye alone in the Swamp again.

BJ settles back in his chair and lets the sense of anticipation build as he slides the letter opener between the flaps of the envelope. He's taken to keeping all of Hawkeye's letters in a box in his office and he likes to keep everything intact, just the way Hawkeye sent it. Trying to hold as much of Hawkeye here with him as he can.

But it's difficult, what with hundreds of miles between them. With lives and jobs and responsibilities.

With families.

BJ had spent all of his time in Korea hoping and dreaming and aching to be back with his family. Back with Peg, the love of his life. Back with Erin, who he hardly knew – who he'd been torn away from. Kept from watching and helping through all those firsts – first word, first step, first tooth.

They've made up for it since then, BJ being there for a whole new slew of firsts – first day at preschool, first ride on the Ferris wheel, first time going swimming. And with another baby in the house, he'd more than made up for all the diapers he'd missed changing, all the waking in the middle of the night for episodes of colic, all the messy terrible wonder of it all.

He wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

And that's saying nothing of Peg - his wife, his partner, the woman he loves to death. The woman who'd kept him afloat through the worst parts of his life. Been a buoy through the overwhelming deluge of residency. Been a tether to home through the turbulence of the Korean war.

BJ loves her so much it hurts.

But he finds himself missing Hawkeye, too. In the quiet of the evening, when Peg and the kids have gone up to bed and BJ's had a few drinks and he's just the right side of sloppily nostalgic, he lets himself ache for the breathless Korean summer nights when it was so hot you were glued to your cot but too warm to even think about sleeping. Nights when he'd lain awake with Hawkeye awake across the tent from him. Not talking, not even looking at each other. But BJ so, so aware of Hawkeye laying there – shirtless and gleaming in the moonlight that filtered in through the open sides of the tent.

He aches for those nights, and for Hawkeye's uncomplicated presence in his life.

Not much about Hawkeye can be considered uncomplicated. But in those moments, when there were no expectations of each other, nothing voiced aloud – when they could just be with one another. BJ misses that. Misses that sense of peace, of understanding.

So each letter from Hawkeye – each line of connection stretching out between them – is precious. A reminder that their friendship is special. Something to be kept locked in BJ's heart alongside his love for Peg and his kids.

Don't get him wrong, BJ has plenty of other friends – fellow professors at Stanford, old college buddies. His motorcycle club. And there's a few guys in the club who remind him of Hawkeye, actually. But it's not the same. And when BJ gets drunk enough to turn maudlin – the kind of drunk that sees him sleeping in the guest bedroom instead of with Peg – he can admit to himself that he wishes Hawkeye was here with him.

They'd been such a large part of each other's lives – practically joined at the hip twenty-four seven for over a year. And then Hawkeye had just been gone. On the opposite side of the country and living his own life.

His life without BJ. And with Trapper.

So many of Hawkeye's early letters talked incessantly about that smarmy bastard. And, BJ knows logically, it makes sense that Hawkeye would talk about him. After all, they live together.

Trapper gets to be in Hawkeye's life everyday. Trapper doesn't have to communicate solely through letters for over a year – with only one too short, too confusing visit to tide him over until the next time he can plausibly go see Hawkeye. Trapper gets to have some weird domestic little setup with Hawkeye – like they're fucking married or something. Cooking for each other and keeping house together and-.

BJ is jealous as hell.

And it had bled into his letters to Hawkeye. All BJ's jealousy and resentment and longing had been too much to hide. And it had come out in angry, snide little jabs at Trapper - at Trapper's character and opinions and abilities as a surgeon.

Eventually, Hawkeye must have gotten sick of it because he'd stopped writing about Trapper at all. There's holes now in all his letters where Trapper used to live. It's not exactly better – BJ knows Trapper is still in Hawkeye's life. But the childish, jealous, mean part of him is glad he doesn't have it shoved in his face anymore.

Until now, anyway. Because Trapper's all over Hawkeye's latest letter.

Trapper gets all the way through his letters to Max and Radar and Father Mulcahy by the time Hawkeye finishes his letter to BJ.

And part of it is that Hawkeye's just more verbose than Trapper – both out loud and in writing. Trapper's letters during the war were always pretty short and not overly flowery. Whereas Hawkeye can spin a yarn to rival the Homeric epics – and enjoys doing so when he's got an appreciative audience. Trapper's girls, for instance.

But part of it is that writing to BJ takes careful thought. Strategy. An intimate knowledge of all of BJ's sore spots – and how to avoid them.

And BJ's biggest sore spot is Trapper. Which is unfortunate, because Trapper features pretty prominently in Hawkeye's life, for some reason. Like, oh, they're living together.

Sure, Hawkeye has other friends. And Trapper does too. But at the end of the day, they're in each other's lives nearly constantly. Trapper's family is Hawkeye's family and Hawkeye's is Trapper's. They spend an awful lot of time together, even without their relationship coming into things. And it gets pretty difficult writing about his life without mentioning Trapper at all.

But if Hawkeye mentions Trapper, then BJ gets huffy. And it's no fun writing a guy who makes the rude kind of sarcastic comments about your lover best friend partner. So Hawkeye's taken to editing him out. Explicit mentions, anyway – cuz there's no real way to completely remove Trapper from his life, they're just too intertwined for that to be possible.

And it's not like Hawkeye really wants to try that hard, anyway. It's BJ's problem that he can't handle Hawkeye having another “best friend.” But still, tact is required – so he starts the letter kind of easing into things.

Dear BJ,

I hope you and Peg and the kids are well.

From you last letter, it sounds like Peg's keeping you plenty busy getting ready for Christmas – including getting you to buy a flocking gun. BJ, I thought you were a pacifist! All those months in Korea and you never touched a gun. And you get back home and what do you do? Open fire on a bunch of defenseless palm trees. (I'm joking, I know you're too far north for that. You live in the land of towering pines, as you keep reminding me with photos of your new house. It sure looks nice – maybe someday I'll even get to see it in person. It'd be nice to get a look at it without your thumb covering half the view.) At any rate, you made a great Father Christmas for all the orphanage kids, so you shouldn't disappoint at the Church pageant. Even if you are handicapped by your lack of mustache.

There, that ought to put BJ in a good mood. He loves talking about his family.

Unfortunately for BJ's equanimity, most of what Hawkeye's been up to this past week has involved Trapper and the girls. Still, a little careful editing of events (and pronouns) and Trapper's name doesn't need to be mentioned. After all, Hawkeye's trying to butter BJ up here, get him to go along with Trapper's gift idea, not put him in a snit.

Speaking of flocking - get your mind out of the gutter Beej, I know what jokes you're making to yourself - it's strange for this New England lad to imagine having to make fake snow. We've got enough of the real stuff around here to last until July. We were planning to go up to visit Dad around Thanksgiving like we did last year, since the kids enjoyed it so much, but a storm blew in and they closed the Boston to Maine line and we had to stay home. Still, the girls had a good time making snow forts in the back yard. And all of Kathy's experience as a softball champ really helped her whup our butts in a snowball fight – I don't think I've ever faced such a resounding defeat sportswise.

And then we made cookies to send to my dad to make up for not visiting. I've sent along a few for you and the family. Because a little bribery never hurt anyone. Becky made one special for Peg on account of the new baby – it's the sort of oval one that's meant to be a baby in a manger. I hope you enjoy them. I had absolutely nothing to do with their creation – other than drinking hot chocolate and kibitzing while they were getting made – so they turned out pretty edible. The girls have really improved on their cookies since those first ones they shipped me in Korea. I think most of those ended up in the rock-skipping competition.

BJ must think Hawkeye's awfully full of himself, using the royal we so frequently. That or he realizes that Hawkeye actually means him and Trapper when he uses it but has decided it's not worth getting angry about that as long as Trapper's name goes unmentioned. BJ's drawn stranger lines in the sand.

So has Hawkeye, come to think of it. But it's frustrating to have to edit his life so much. He's already lying by omission to so many people about the truth of his relationship with Trapper. And it's not like Hawkeye doesn't understand the necessity of discretion – he doesn't actually want to get arrested – but to have to hide the truth of himself from his own best friend is hard.

But Hawkeye doesn't know how to broach the subject. Particularly when BJ's so touchy about everything Trapper. Maybe he'll have a chance to talk things through if he sees BJ in person – or at least ask why he's got his shirt in a knot ever since his visit last spring. Because he wasn't nearly so weird about things before then – content to ignore Hawkeye's mentions of Trapper rather than make snide comments about him. But Hawkeye can't interrogate him unless he actually shows up, so he'd better get to that part of the letter.

Speaking of terrible things from Korea, Charles's wedding is coming up in just six short months. Why we need that long of a heads up about it I'm sure I don't know – but then again, I'm not a beacon of class and taste. Or ridiculously loaded – whatever the impetus is there. Regardless, I heard through the grapevine that you've been invited to the wedding. Since I miraculously made the cut - along with several other members of the 4077 – I wanted to see if you'd planned on attending. I think the whole deal will be much more fun with as many of us miscreants as possible in attendance to balance out the stuffed shirts.

Anyway, if you're planning on going, we've got a little scheme you might be interested in. Charles is richer than rich and a snob to boot so we can't all get him something that he'd want individually – not without breaking the bank. But we – all us MASH guys - could all pitch in on something and get him a present he actually likes. And I had the idea of doing something sentimental, to really make sure he appreciates the gift and doesn't just open it right into the garbage can. And the idea of doing a quilt got suggested - and Margaret and Sidney and Steve are all for it - so I'm asking around to see if anyone else wants in. We're petitioning Max to take charge of the project – so expect a letter from Toledo. I don't know if you've already got a gift idea – or if you're planning on attending the wedding at all - but if you want in, the offer's open.

This next part, Hawkeye isn't one-hundred percent sure about. But when he'd asked Trapper what he thought of the idea, he'd just shrugged and said he's fine with whatever. Sometimes Hawkeye gets a little aggravated by how easy-going Trapper can be.

It's not that Hawkeye wants him to be jealous. Or for him to start a fight with BJ – the fight that BJ himself is clearly gunning for. But when he asks for Trapper's opinion, he honestly wants to hear it.

“C'mon, Trapper. I honestly want to hear your opinion.”

Trapper sighs. “Ok, fine. I just – I know BJ's your friend and I don't wanna badmouth him, you know? But I'm getting kinda tired of him getting all up-in-arms every time you so much as mention me. I tried to get along with him when he visited - and I thought I did a pretty good job of it - so I got no idea what I did to make him hate me so much. But I think it's pretty damn petty of him to make you kinda tip toe around him when you write.”

Trapper pauses. He could say more here – more about his impression of BJ's character and his friendship with Hawkeye - but he ain't trying to start a fight. Just avoid one with BJ.

“So anyway. I don't mind if you invite him to stay an extra day – he's your friend and you don't get a lot of chances to see him. But I don't know that I'll want to stick around for it.”

Having said his piece, Trapper heads off to make dinner while Hawkeye mulls all that over. He knows Trapper's right about the way BJ's been acting – it's petty and silly and Hawkeye's been getting kind of tired of it himself, to be honest. But Hawkeye's always been one to try and keep the peace, the one to try to keep everyone together and afloat through tough times.

And it's difficult – painful – the idea of losing BJ's friendship. He means so much to Hawkeye. They'd been through so much together. When he'd told BJ he'd never be able to shake him, Hawkeye had meant it. There's a big old BJ shaped place in Hawkeye's life that he doesn't want to have to try and fill over.

But BJ could be making a little bit more of an effort here, too. Profess an interest in Hawkeye's life – all the parts of Hawkeye's life – the way Hawkeye had listened to BJ's endless chatter about his wife and daughter and all the minutia of their lives. Even though Hawkeye had no frame of reference for raising a kid or having a wife, no real interest in the topic outside of BJ wanting to talk about it.

And Hawkeye's maybe feeling a little petty himself. A little annoyed at BJ's insistence that Hawkeye bend over backwards for him without really reciprocating. So he goes back and rewrites the letter to explicitly mention Trapper where before there had just been euphemism. Even if it means BJ won't go along with the gift idea.

But Hawkeye does value BJ's friendship. Does want to see him. So he adds on the extra part inviting him and Peg to visit.

Speaking of offers, I was wondering if you and Peg wanted to stay over an extra couple of days in Boston after the wedding (assuming you're going.) I've never met Peg, but I'd really like a chance to get to know her. And I don't see you nearly often enough. We have a bunch of time before anything needs to be settled, but I'd love to see you for more than just a wedding reception – particularly one that's being run by Charles Winchester. I hope to hear from you soon (and maybe see you in half a year.) Your friend, Hawkeye

There, that ought to do it.

Peg looks up from her book as BJ emerges from his office. His face is a thundercloud and Hawkeye's letter is crumpled in his fist.

Peg sighs.

Letters from Hawkeye usually leave BJ floating on air – his face alight with joy and his gestures expansive as he recounts the latest news from Boston. But when things swing the other way – when the letters contain something that reminds BJ of the bad parts of the war, of all the things he's lost – he gets angry like Peg's never seen.

It's like something came back with him from Korea – something deep and angry and wild riding her husband. Peg doesn't know where it came from, or what causes it to come out, most of the time. She doesn't know how to make it go away.

But when BJ gets the bottle of bottom-shelf gin out of the liquor cabinet – the one he says almost tastes like the homemade hooch that came out of Hawkeye's still in Korea – Peg knows she's in for a long night.

So she calls up her mother-in-law, asks if she can keep the kids overnight. Puts away anything she doesn't want to see broken – all the nick-knacks and souvenirs of her and BJ's life together tucked safely away in the cabinets experience has taught her he won't try to open. Peg battens down the hatches and waits for the storm to blow over.

Eventually, BJ reaches the stage of drunk where he's wrecked his office and yelled himself out and he's just sitting drunkenly at the kitchen table, staring at the bottom of his empty glass. Peg sits down across from him. Watches him pour another measure from a new bottle and drink that too. Waits for him to tell her what's wrong.

“Hawkeye's asking if we're planning to be at Charles's wedding,” BJ starts with a vehemence the statement really doesn't warrant, as far as Peg can tell. “Wants to know if he'll see us there.”

“He's going, then?” Peg asks delicately. Trying to figure out what's bothering her husband without getting him any more upset than he already is.

“Yep.” BJ bits out. “He and Trapper will both be there.”

Ah. There it is. If anything is guaranteed to put BJ in a less than charitable mood, it's mentions of Trapper John McIntyre.

“That doesn't mean you need to interact with Trapper, dear. It's not like you'll be forced to spend time with him.”

BJ snorts derisively. “Trapper hangs off Hawkeye like they're joined together surgically. There's no way I'll get to see one without the other.”

And that's to say nothing of Hawkeye's regard for Trapper. Trapper, Trapper, Trapper. The whole fucking letter was full of Trapper. Trapper did this, Trapper thinks that, Trapper had this idea. Hawkeye couldn't go a sentence without mentioning Trapper. It makes BJ sick to his stomach, so he drinks another glass of gin.

“And apparently, Trapper had some big idea about us MASH docs all making Charles a wedding present together. Like we're all some big, happy family. And Hawkeye wants to do it, so that means I have to too.”

Never mind that Max is the one actually running things. And that BJ probably won't have to have anything to do with Trapper or his dumb stupid self. It's the principle of the matter.

“And if that wasn't enough, we got invited to stay over at Hawkeye's house an extra couple of days.”

“That sounds nice,” Peg says encouragingly. BJ's calmed down enough to have a coherent conversation at this point and she'd like to keep as positive a spin on things as she can. “I'd sure like to spend some time getting to know Hawkeye after hearing so much about him from you.”

“You don't understand,” BJ interrupts sharply. “If we visit for longer, then we'll stay overnight at Hawkeye's house. And that means that Hawkeye will give up his room. And that means he and Trapper will sleep together.”

“I know you think Hawkeye and Trapper are... together,” Peg says gently, placatingly. “But you can't think they'd do anything untoward with us right next door.”

BJ does think that, though. He thinks about it a lot.

About that night he'd stayed over at Hawkeye's house, in Hawkeye's bedroom – leaving Hawkeye to sleep with Trapper. About Hawkeye – beautiful, unreal, gorgeous Hawkeye – and Trapper – with his stupid muscles and his stupid smirk and his stupid everything – laying together in the dark. About them kissing each other. Cuz BJ may hate the guy, but he has to admit that Trapper's attractive – just objectively speaking. Anyone would be attracted to him. And Hawkeye's beautiful and so passionate and-. There's no way they wouldn't kiss one another. And BJ can imagine it so clearly – their mouths slick and panting, tongues sliding against each other.

Hips grinding.

And that leads BJ to thinking about Hawkeye and Trapper having sex. Trapper taking Hawkeye while BJ's right next door – rough and hard and loud enough there's no mistaking what's happening. All the little sounds he's heard Hawkeye make from across the Swamp in the middle of the night – all those little sighs and moans of pleasure – being caused by Trapper while BJ's forced to just lay there and listen to it through the wall. Forced to imagine what Hawkeye looks like when he's being taken by another man, forced to imagine what Hawkeye looks like when he orgasms. Forced to imagine Hawkeye and Trapper look like all cuddled up together in the afterglow.

Anger – it's anger, it has to be anger – squirms in BJ's guts. He drinks another glass of gin.

“I'm not putting up with that shit,” BJ mumbles. “Not again.”

Because however bad imagining it is, knowing would be worse.

BJ lapses back into silence. And he's clearly still angry, but he seems to have moved past the more explosive sort of anger and into something a little less disruptive. And if he's just going to stare at the bottom of a glass all night, she's going to bed.

“Maybe just sleep on it, dear, before you make any decisions,” Peg says gently. “I'm going to bed now. We can talk about this more in the morning.”

BJ looks blearily up at her, almost like he'd forgotten she was there. Definitely time for her to go to bed. She pours BJ a glass of water and kisses him gently on the forehead before she heads upstairs - and through it all, he just sits there, staring down at his empty glass.

Peg vows that she's going to get to the bottom of all of this, even if she has to use a team of wild horses to drag the truth out of BJ.

#mash #piercintyre #something old and something new #chapter 2

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