Let Me Count the Ways ask game
Requested by @sergeanttomycaptain
Fandom: Captain America
Relationship: BrooklynBros
Prompts: "I can't imagine how I lived without you. I mean, I can remember it, but I can't imagine how I considered that living." AND "Leave you? You know how hard it was for me to TRAIN YOU to deal with me?"
Please note that this takes place after Avengers: Endgame, but specifically with my fix-it ending where Steve stays. If you're interested in learning more, please check out my fic "Let This One Remain."
“I'm telling you, it's really not that interesting,” Steve said.
“I'll be the judge of that.” Bucky clutched the steering wheel with both hands, not taking his eyes off the road.
Steve eyed his best friend warily, wishing once again he'd just kept his mouth shut. But when he'd noticed the name on the highway sign, he'd blurted out that S.H.I.E.L.D. had sent him to a retreat not far from there right after he'd gotten out of the ice. And then Bucky had inexplicably made an illegal U-turn and demanded further directions.
With a sigh, Steve pointed out the turn he still remembered from all those years ago. How many had it been? Eleven? Twelve?
As they crunched along a gravel road overgrown with weeds and filled with watery potholes, Bucky said, “They'll be gone, right? S.H.I.E.L.D.?”
“Probably. I can't imagine anyone would still be using it after all these years.”
“Good.”
“It really wasn't that bad,” Steve said for the fifth time. “I just sat around for a couple weeks and read up on what happened with the war and everything. Look, you can see the pond now. It was like being on vacation.”
“How many vacation spots do you know that have barbed-wire fences?” Bucky stopped with a jerk in front of the gate blocking the drive—and sure enough, the fence that stretched in either direction was topped with barbed wire.
When he looked through the gaps in the fence, Steve spotted the cabin right away. The trees on either side were taller than he remembered, and the grass and weeds along the path grew wild and untrimmed. Steve found his gaze locking immediately on the window through which he'd watched the sun rise every morning after each restless, sleepless night.
The hairs on the back of his neck rose, for some reason. Even though it was the hottest part of the day.
“Come on,” Steve said, opening his door to the rasping chorus of hundreds of cicadas. “If we're going to do this, we'll need to make sure the fence isn't electrified anymore.”
Bucky shot him a look of sheer outrage, but Steve ignored him and walked over to the fence.
There was no hum of electricity like he remembered from before, and sure enough, when he reached out to touch it, he felt nothing but sun-warmed metal. Just as he'd expected—no one would have been around to keep the power on. But the lock still looked solid. Steve looked over his shoulder at Bucky, who was still glowering at the fence. “Here, want to give me a hand?”
“That joke still hasn't gotten old yet, huh?” Bucky gave him a flat look as he casually reached out with his vibranium hand and yanked the gate open with one smooth motion, the lock falling uselessly into the dust.
Steve winked and led the way into the Retreat.
The door to the cabin was locked too, but it was even easier to break that lock and get inside. Everything looked more or less the way Steve remembered, albeit covered with a thin layer of dust. A living room with a couple couches and a fireplace, a kitchen, a bedroom...everything a newly-defrosted supersoldier could need.
“They were watching you?” Bucky jabbed a finger up at one corner of the ceiling, where a small black camera sat collecting dust.
“Yeah. Security, I guess.”
Steve gazed up at the camera, remembering when he'd first looked up and realized what it was. The way the whole cabin had seemed to shrink around him, like there were secret agents hiding in the walls, watching for the slightest sign he was about to crack. They'd told him he would stay there until he was 'ready,' and Steve had realized they would be watching him to decide when that was. If he wanted to leave, he would need to prove that he was still capable of being Captain America for them.
It was like being on stage again, wearing a costume and dancing for a crowd. Only this time, there would be no ducking behind the curtain and taking a breather backstage.
Remembering that made Steve's skin crawl.
Bucky wandered farther into the cabin, glaring around at everything like it had personally offended him. Sam would have laughed at him. Not for the first time, Steve wished they could have invited him on their cross-country road trip too, but he was Captain America now. He had a lot of hands to shake and babies to kiss, and hopefully no more world-ending catastrophes for a little while.
Steve strolled into the bedroom, thinking back to the last time he'd been in here. When he had been Captain America, and had to somehow come to grips with the knowledge that, despite everything he'd done and everything he'd sacrificed, the fight still wasn't over.
The same plaid blanket lay on the neatly made bed. Steve sank onto the side of the bed, kicking up a small cloud of dust. Even the dust smelled the same.
If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine he was back here to stay. That everything that had happened in the past decade had all been a dream. Maybe none of that had really happened—no Avengers, no Thanos. No Sharon. No Sam. No Bucky. Nothing but days upon days stretching out before him, his whole future nothing but a huge question mark. Nothing to do but reflect on the past, dwell on his mistakes, learn all the things that had happened without him and realize just how powerless he was.
How small. How weak. How alone.
“Steve?”
With a breath that caught in his throat, Steve opened his eyes again and found himself looking at Bucky, standing in the doorway and watching him with a furrow in his brow. He tried to smile, but that only made Bucky look more concerned than ever.
Bucky crossed the room and sat down next to Steve, reaching up and brushing the knuckles of his right hand across Steve's cheek. Only when his fingers came away wet did Steve realize he was crying.
“I don't....” Steve wasn't sure what he was trying to say, but it didn't matter, because his voice died in his throat.
“Here.” Bucky scooted a little closer, wrapping an arm around his waist.
Steve turned in to the embrace with a desperation that surprised even him, throwing his arms around Bucky and crushing him against his chest. He needed to feel Bucky there—alive, real, present. Not a dream, not a memory. Not flakes of snow or ash slipping through his fingers. A warm, solid man right there at his side, like it was supposed to be.
They stayed like that for long minutes that stretched out endlessly. Time seemed meaningless here, just like when they'd brought him here the first time. He could have been here for a day. He could have been here for centuries. But for once, Steve didn't mind. He could feel Bucky's arms around him—one soft and warm, one hard and cold. Both of them strong enough to support him, no matter what he faced.
“You okay?” Bucky finally murmured.
Steve sniffled. “I wanted to see Niagara Falls. Would've been more fun than here.”
Bucky pulled back, but let his hand fall easily into Steve's. “Sorry,” he said softly. “I just...wanted to see what it was like. How you lived...while I wasn't there.”
Steve let out a mirthless chuckle, running a hand across his eyes. “I can't imagine how I lived without you. I mean, I can remember it, but I can't imagine how I considered that living.”
No...it really wasn't living. Not in this cabin. Not for the past five years.
“I was just...existing. Carrying on...almost out of habit. Trying to remember why.” He let out a shaky breath, tightening his grip around Bucky's hand. “It's a lot easier when you're here.”
“Sorry it took me so long to come back.”
All Steve could do was nod. They'd had this conversation before, multiple times. They'd probably have it again. And again. As many times as it took before Steve's brain finally caught up to the reality that they were together again.
They sat there for a few more minutes, Steve settling against Bucky's side, the two of them breathing together. Steve focused on the simple sensations that grounded him in the present, reassuring him that he hadn't just woken up from the ice. So much had happened since then, both good and bad.
The days he'd spent in this cabin hadn't been the end of the story.
Eventually, they got up and meandered back outside, still holding hands. Standing at the edge of the pond, looking out at the water and the overgrown bank, Steve listened to the chirring of cicadas and smelled the hot, dusty summer evening air. He felt Bucky's hand in his, slightly sweaty but comfortably familiar. He felt the weight of his phone in his pocket, a comforting reminder that he would be calling Sharon tonight when they found a motel. Maybe in the morning he would call Sam.
He had roots here now, in the 21st century. A home, a place where he belonged. Or people he belonged with, rather. Daily reminders that he had something to live for.
“What are you thinking about?” Bucky asked, breaking into his thoughts.
Steve looked over at him, at the setting sun turning the edges of his dark hair to gold. That face he knew so well, looking at him expectantly, his keen eyes full of sympathy. Steve had to swallow a lump in his throat before he could say, “Can I...ask something selfish?”
“Please do.”
“Don't leave me. Don't...Don't ever leave me again.”
Bucky's eyebrows pinched together for a moment, but then his mouth slid into an easy smile. “Leave you? You know how hard it was for me to train you to deal with me?”
Steve smiled back. The golden sunlight seemed to seep into his skin and sink all the way down to his bones, thawing out any last traces of ice that remained. “Not that hard.”
“Keep telling yourself that, punk,” Bucky said, turning and leading the way back to the car. “After decades of investment, you really think I'd let you walk away now?”
Steve didn't let go of his hand. Together, they stepped through the gate and left the Retreat behind. Within minutes, it was nothing but a dusty smudge on the horizon.
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