#BABY WOMEN ARE THE MOST POWERFUL MAGICIANS IN YOUR WORLD

[ace-and-ranty]

Was sitting here, thinking, "Man, I really gotta watch the WoT S3 trailer", and this prompted me to remember the FUNNIEST book quote I ever came across in the tags.

Every once in a while I remember this exists and start cackling with laughter.

[lunarsilkscreen]

TW: Warfare and Abortion, a psychotic thought experiment

Question: Why would somebody rally behind laws that prevent abortion. But fail to incentivize keeping children?

Answer: They don't want *certain* people to have children, except those they can legally punish for not having *their* children.

TW: Rape, Control, Eugenics, Narcissistic behavior.

If you have the legal means, think your children would be superior, and think everybody else is inferior; why wouldn't you do this?

Religious: remember when they killed all the first-borns before striking in the desert for 40 years? You know: after Moses proved that the pharisees magicians were just that: magicians. And not magical beings with godlike powers.

Or how, when women become scarce they become one of two things: concubine or harlot. And nobody wants to be with a harlot, because they cannot have kids.

And now, women are not scarce, but they're treated as if they are. And the legal identifying marks of "has womb" is still ingrained in our system. Literally a marking those with wombs as nothing more than a tool to "repopulate".

And only certain *men* should have access to child-bearing women, amirit?

Most of what I could say, I already sparked your imagination with those TW's, so I'm going to explain the ramifications of this perverse behavior that is snaked through our collective systems right now.

We have constantly, and repeatedly proven that Eugenics *does not work* and that inbreeding causes much more genetic instability then any other thing, and yet there's still this *idea* that people work like race horses. If you in breed the strongest; THEY GET STRONGER.

Except they don't, most go directly to the glue factory. Do not pass go, Seabiscuit isn't real.

When we're talking about human rights, and reproductive rights, this is included. This is why the Bible says that it's the woman's right to choose. Because only they can tell if they will have a healthy/safe birth, or if they'll need to eat their babies like a rat because predators made it energetically inefficient to keep it.

As in stocks, diversification is your best bet. And I'm sorry just because you have money and means, doesn't mean you children will survive, or even have a better chance of surviving if we wanna keep going down the Eugenics rabbit hole that prevents people from reproducing.

Or in some cases: forces them to.

It's better off for your children if they're not in a world where they're forced to eat each other. Where they're given freedom to roam, instead of freedom to be breeding stock.

[arcane-trail]

What are the different “types” of witches?

During the infamous witch persecutions that happened across Europe and America between 1450 and 1750, the members of the Church that led the inquisitions had a very clear idea of what they meant by a “witch”. These were mostly women, but sometimes men, who had entered into pacts with the devil and his servants.

But the term “witch” has been used to refer to many different types of people across the centuries. In the Viking age, Norse witches were principally seeresses who could also detect negative energies that might be affecting a household or community. In the Greco-Roman world, witches and magicians were again principally diviners. In ancient Egypt, they wrote down spells to heal or remove hexes. In early medieval Europe, they were often wise women and healers who provided alternative medical care.

In the modern world, when someone refers to themselves as a witch, it could mean various things. Witchcraft is a very open practice, and you do not need to fit into a specific mold. That said, the witchcraft community has coined some terms to help define the different types of witches. Below is a list of some of the most common types of witches.

Coven Witch

A coven witch is a practitioner who is a member of a coven, which is simply a community of witches. Covens gather to teach one another and to pool their energy and power to have a greater impact on the world around them. Covens will sometimes have formal structures and admissions processes and are usually led by a high priestess or priest.

Solitary Witch

A solitary practitioner is a witch who prefers to practice on their own. Their journey of learning and self-discovery is between them and a higher power, and they may choose not to tell others about their calling and practice. Solitary practitioners choose this approach and are not simply solitary due to a lack of other witches.

Hedge Witch

Hedge witches tend to be natural witches who use the power of nature to create remedies and harness certain powers. They have great respect for nature, will often work with the elements, and tend to be knowledgeable herbalists. Hedge witches are often minimalist and practical, cutting away much of the ritual that has developed around certain magical practices.

Ceremonial Witch

Ceremonial witches actively engage in rituals and ceremonies to tap into the magic that exists within the universe. This often involved being part of an order that teaches the required rituals. The most well-known example of a ceremonial magic order is the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn.

Baby Witch

The term baby witch is used for someone who is just starting out on the witchcraft journey, so it is just another term for a beginner witch. Very often, baby witches have eclectic interests as they are still exploring broadly to find the type of witchcraft that they feel most connected to. There is no specific point when a person stops being a baby witch, but it is usually when they feel confident to speak authoritatively about their craft.

Eclectic Witch

Not every witch chooses to specialize in a specific area, and some continue to have a broad and eclectic practice incorporating several different traditions. These types of witches are called eclectic, and they will often mi traditions to create new rituals and approaches.

Divination Witch

Divination witches concentrate principally on seeing the future or gaining a deep understanding of the current reality to make educated inferences about the future. The method of their practice can take many different forms. They may read the Tarot, cast runestones, read palms, commune with the spiritual realm, or something else.

Cosmic Witch

Cosmic witches, also sometimes called Lunar witches, use astronomy and astrology as the basis of their craft. They are highly aware of the impact that the movement of the heavenly bodies have on the earth, especially the moon. But rather than just telling you your horoscope, they use their knowledge of these energies to affect active change in the world.

Death Witch

A death witch is another term for a necromancer, but rarely does their practice involve bringing back and controlling the dead. Witches who work as mediums and gain insight and power by asking the deceased for their assistance.

Green Witch

Green witches are very connected with nature and the elements and principally work towards healing and nurturing. They may create herbal remedies or engage in natural powers, such as the chakras, to nurture balance and alignment in the body and spirit.

Kitchen Witch

Kitchen witches are a variety of green witch, but they focus on imbuing their cooking and baking with magic, often to heal and invigorate those who eat. They use their knowledge of the magical properties of ingredients and may engage in rituals to imbue their baking with specific energies.

Energetic Witch

Energetic witches are often drawn toward the vibrations of crystals and the auras of individuals. They are good at reading, harnessing, and directing the natural energies of objects to influence the energies of individuals and situations.

Sex Witch

Sex witches use the power and clarity that comes with orgasm to push into the spiritual realm. This can be a solitary practice, or one done with others. Probably the most famous sex magic practitioner was Aleister Crowley.

Folk Witch

Folk witches tend to preserve, maintain, and recreate historic magic and ritual practices established by pre-Christian ancestors.

Hereditary Witch

Hereditary witches come from a family of witches and will inherit or learn their practice from their elders. Their family has often been the shamanic heart of a community for generations.

Innate Witch

Innate witches are individuals born with certain abilities that look like magic. These can be hereditary, but this is not always the case. The ability, whether it be mediumship or the ability to heal, can vary greatly.

Grey Witch

People will often talk about black and white witches. The idea is that black witches use their power for their own personal gain, while white witches use their power for the greater good and follow the principle of “do no harm”. Grey witches, like white witches, tend to be driven by their desire to do good in the world, but they may be willing to do curses or hexes to punish those they see as evil doers.

You can see the broad number of different ways that a person may consider themselves a witch, and this is far from a comprehensive list. Plus, not every witch will fit into one of the categories that the witchcraft community use as shorthand to communicate about their practice. So, how would you define yourself as a witch?

[Full article here]

[thedarkwitchesblog]

Witch Types

During the infamous witch persecutions that happened across Europe and America between 1450 and 1750, the members of the Church that led the inquisitions had a very clear idea of what they meant by a “witch”. These were mostly women, but sometimes men, who had entered into pacts with the devil and his servants.

But the term “witch” has been used to refer to many different types of people across the centuries. In the Viking age, Norse witches were principally seeresses who could also detect negative energies that might be affecting a household or community. In the Greco-Roman world, witches and magicians were again principally diviners. In ancient Egypt, they wrote down spells to heal or remove hexes. In early medieval Europe, they were often wise women and healers who provided alternative medical care.

In the modern world, when someone refers to themselves as a witch, it could mean various things. Witchcraft is a very open practice, and you do not need to fit into a specific mold. That said, the witchcraft community has coined some terms to help define the different types of witches. Below is a list of some of the most common types of witches.

Coven Witch

A coven witch is a practitioner who is a member of a coven, which is simply a community of witches. Covens gather to teach one another and to pool their energy and power to have a greater impact on the world around them. Covens will sometimes have formal structures and admissions processes and are usually led by a high priestess or priest.

Solitary Witch

A solitary practitioner is a witch who prefers to practice on their own. Their journey of learning and self-discovery is between them and a higher power, and they may choose not to tell others about their calling and practice. Solitary practitioners choose this approach and are not simply solitary due to a lack of other witches.

Hedge Witch

Hedge witches tend to be natural witches who use the power of nature to create remedies and harness certain powers. They have great respect for nature, will often work with the elements, and tend to be knowledgeable herbalists. Hedge witches are often minimalist and practical, cutting away much of the ritual that has developed around certain magical practices.

Ceremonial Witch

Ceremonial witches actively engage in rituals and ceremonies to tap into the magic that exists within the universe. This often involved being part of an order that teaches the required rituals. The most well-known example of a ceremonial magic order is the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn.

learner Witch

The term baby witch is used for someone who is just starting out on the witchcraft journey, so it is just another term for a beginner witch. Very often, baby witches have eclectic interests as they are still exploring broadly to find the type of witchcraft that they feel most connected to. There is no specific point when a person stops being a baby witch, but it is usually when they feel confident to speak authoritatively about their craft.

Eclectic Witch

Not every witch chooses to specialize in a specific area, and some continue to have a broad and eclectic practice incorporating several different traditions. These types of witches are called eclectic, and they will often mi traditions to create new rituals and approaches.

Divination Witch

Divination witches concentrate principally on seeing the future or gaining a deep understanding of the current reality to make educated inferences about the future. The method of their practice can take many different forms. They may read the Tarot, cast runestones, read palms, commune with the spiritual realm, or something else.

Cosmic Witch

Cosmic witches, also sometimes called Lunar witches, use astronomy and astrology as the basis of their craft. They are highly aware of the impact that the movement of the heavenly bodies have on the earth, especially the moon. But rather than just telling you your horoscope, they use their knowledge of these energies to affect active change in the world.

Death Witch

A death witch is another term for a necromancer, but rarely does their practice involve bringing back and controlling the dead. Witches who work as mediums and gain insight and power by asking the deceased for their assistance.

Green Witch

Green witches are very connected with nature and the elements and principally work towards healing and nurturing. They may create herbal remedies or engage in natural powers, such as the chakras, to nurture balance and alignment in the body and spirit.

Kitchen Witch

Kitchen witches are a variety of green witch, but they focus on imbuing their cooking and baking with magic, often to heal and invigorate those who eat. They use their knowledge of the magical properties of ingredients and may engage in rituals to imbue their baking with specific energies.

Energetic Witch

Energetic witches are often drawn toward the vibrations of crystals and the auras of individuals. They are good at reading, harnessing, and directing the natural energies of objects to influence the energies of individuals and situations.

Sex Witch

Sex witches use the power and clarity that comes with orgasm to push into the spiritual realm. This can be a solitary practice, or one done with others. Probably the most famous sex magic practitioner was Aleister Crowley.

Folk Witch

Folk witches tend to preserve, maintain, and recreate historic magic and ritual practices established by pre-Christian ancestors.

Hereditary Witch

Hereditary witches come from a family of witches and will inherit or learn their practice from their elders. Their family has often been the shamanic heart of a community for generations.

Innate Witch

Innate witches are individuals born with certain abilities that look like magic. These can be hereditary, but this is not always the case. The ability, whether it be mediumship or the ability to heal, can vary greatly.

Grey Witch

People will often talk about black and white witches. The idea is that black witches use their power for their own personal gain, while white witches use their power for the greater good and follow the principle of “do no harm”. Grey witches, like white witches, tend to be driven by their desire to do good in the world, but they may be willing to do curses or hexes to punish those they see as evil doers.

You can see the broad number of different ways that a person may consider themselves a witch, and this is far from a comprehensive list. Plus, not every witch will fit into one of the categories that the witchcraft community use as shorthand to communicate about their practice. So, how would you define yourself as a witch?

[lovee-infected]

This idea just hit me like a train. How would twst boys react to WAP from Cardi B?? 😂😂😂

I'm trying to ignore the fact that I might've never discovered WAP without this request...🗿

Warning(s): What should I even tag as the warning idkk ckcjxjsjsjdjdjck- Mentions of WAP's lyrics, mentions of nsfw, Warning for Idia's part bc I think it went a bit too far-

Riddle Rosehearts

Heard of this song named WAP being trending between students -> Searched it up -> Riddle:... Riddle: *Turns off his phone*

Bans WAP from the whole Heartslabyul afterwards, and every student found listening to it will have to face Riddle's: "NOOOOOOO- NO WAP IN THIS HOUSEHOLD - GO TO HORNY JAIL OFF WITH YOUR HEADS YOU UNWORTHY CREATURES- "

Trey Clover

Searches: "What does WAP mean?" before wards and after reading the search results he decides that he doesn't really need to listen to the song itself anymore.

He just clears his browsing history and returns to baking cakes. Nothing has happened, he knows nothing.

Cater Diamond

He is the guy making those "Night raven college react to WAP!!" videos on magicam. His reaction videos get over 100k views and people from all over the Twisted Wonderland start following this dork for them.

Who cares about the WAP itself? As long as he can gain followers over these videos he doesn't care how the song is supposed to be.

But at last Riddle discovers his videos by finding other dorms' students laughing over them and forces him to take them down💀 Man, Riddle really did ruin his once-in-a-life time chance for becoming popular.

Ace Trappola and Deuce Spade

Riddle has banned WAP Heartslabyul so they're going to illegally listen to it. It was Ace's fault though, Deuce is innocent.

Ace searchs up the music video, Deuce just sees the thumbnail and tells Ace that he doesn't think that this is going to be a good idea but Ace cuts him off by asking him not to be such a chicken-

Though they had to stop because Deuce was all shaky and embarrassed after just 20 seconds :"Stop this-STOP THIS- I CAN'T DO THIS- WE'RE STILL TOO YOUNG" and Ace had to stop to shut Deuce because they could've gotten caught at any second because of his unholy screams.

[a few minutes later...]

Deuce: It was saying DOORS in this house

Ace: Bruh what the- we both know it was saying Wh*res.

Deuce: Y-you dirty minded bastard!! It was clearly saying doors in this house!

Ace: Why the hell would they say doors in this house!??? It was wh*res!

Deuce: Doors!

Ace: WH*RES

Deuce: DOORS

Ace: WH*RES

Deuce: DOOOOORRRSSSSSSSSS

Leona Kingscholar

See he might be a jerk but he hasn't yet gotten to the level of appreciating this way of presenting women in songs-

He's just going to pretend that WAP doesn't exist,but most of the Savanaclaw on the other hand are going wild because with WAP, now he can't even take a peaceful nap without WAP being looped in his brain.

Ruggie Bucchi

WAP isn't beyond his power, he's handled stronger songs.✨ He'd regularly rap WAP in public when he's feeling like it.

Now he goes around to recommend WAP to naïve students and taint their virginity by making them listen to WAP without knowing what it is-

Jack Howl

Catches Ace and Deuce listening to WAP and ends up listening to it because of them. He doesn't knpw what to say...

He isn't mad, just disappointed. Disappointed parent noises. Out of all these students, why should he best buddies which these two?

Time to drag Ace and Deuce to a corner and give them a long speech on why young men their age need to be focusing on mastering skills and achieving success through these golden years instead of violating rules and tainting their pure minds.

"Trappola-kun, Spade-kun, you've greatly disappointed me. You need to be more mindful of your actions as fellow freshmen of night raven college. Is this how the future's great magicians are going to be? How do you think your parents would feel about this new habit of yours? Have you thought of how despicable women are being presented through such songs? Are you going to support such a taboo message toward ladies?"

And Ace and Deuce end up having to listen to him and think of their bad actions for the rest of the day...

Azul Ashengrotto

[Before listening to WAP]: He hears of this WAP song being super trending between students. What might it secret be? What kind of magic would make a simple song so hecking popular? He has to find out.

Azul thinks that by learning WAP's ways, he might be able to produce songs that are even better for mostrolounge and even start his very own music company! But before that he needs to listen to wap itself...

[After listening to WAP]: ...He discovers what kind of magic is making it so popular, but decides that it'd be better for him take a step back from the world of music for now. Yes, he's traumatized

Floyd Leech

"Hey hey koooeeebiii chaaannnn have you seen my new dance~?" ah yes, he's got the WAP dance and he's proud of it. These are the time when he's genuinely thankful for getting to have human legs.

But the WAP dance isn't his only target, he realizes that Jamil doesn't seem to want Kalim to know anything about WAP, but thankfully, Floyd is going to be kind enough to bless the young Kalim with his wealthy knowledge on WAP. ✨

Jade Leech

"My...my...that was savage," Jade is amazed, it's quite wonderful how these fragile creatures can go from Micheal Jackson's smooth criminal to WAP in a matter of years.

He's still having trouble keeping up with latest human trends and popular songs but, he's slowly liking humans a lot more than before. These creatures have already reached the level to make put p*rn in music, impressive.

Kalim Al Asim

He hears students whispering about an epic song named WAP during the classes, and of course he'd be intrigued!

He looks up the song but Jamil has already blocked his access to any sources that he might find WAP in, yet Floyd was kind enough to lend Kalim his phone to let him listen to this masterpiece. Later on, Floyd tells him about the WAP dance and bam, Kalim is addicted.

"Everyone watch me! I've got the WAP!"

Poor Jamil doesn't know which is worse, having Kalim signing it loudly in the dorm or watching him showing off his skills in that WAP dance in public. It's time for Jamil to go on a long, long trip and never come back until Kalim graduates from this school.

Jamil Viper

Listens to WAP once, is going to spend the rest of his life pretending that he has never heard or watched it. The most ironic part about it is how he watches the music video instead of just listening to the song and...the snakes. Good lord the snakes- He isn't sure if he likes snakes anymore.

The snakes part seriously traumatizes him but not like Kalim does when he asks Jamil to learn him the WAP dance. And heck no Jamil isn't going to learn him how to dance like a wh*re. At this point, he decides to deny WAP's whole existence.

Kalim: At least tell me what a WAP is!

Jamil:

Jamil: Worship and prayer.

Vil Schoenheit

Hasn't listened to WAP and refuses to do so. He's got standards.

Rook Hunt

"Bravo!!! These Mademoiselles have taken the art of music to a whole nother level! Beaute! 100 points! 💯" (...what else did you expect him to say?)

Just as always, no one can really tell if Rook really liked it or not but from the way he acts he seems to be... intrigued. Apparently WAP starts to get too famous in school and Rook would always be the first one to find out if a student is secretly listening to WAP in public, so he doesn't mind popping up and reminding the students not to listen to such a potentially stimulating song so carelessly: "Monsieur (x), it's adorable to see you appreciating such a glorious piece of art in this lovely day, but I don't think that all of these students staring at us right now are yet prepared for such a beauty,"

Epel Felmier

He just asked Ace for some music that'll make him sound more badass and Ace gave him the WAP:

Epel listening to WAP be like:😳😶😨😕😭

His face is redder than a tomato after the first 30 seconds of WAP, but Ace tells him that he'd be the bravest human being ever if he takes the urge to listen to this in front of teachers.

Tries to dance to WAP and make a video with it to upload on magicam, but Vil catches him in the middle of process.💀💀💀 The video turned out pretty good though. It looks just like a mother (Ehm- Vil) getting into her child's room (Epel-) and finding them doing some crazy shit.

Idia Shroud

He's the silent and seemingly shy dude who's listening to WAP in the highest volume under those head phones during classes.

Divus Crewel: CaF2(s) + Br2(ℓ) → CaBr2(s) + F2(g)...

Inside Idia's headphones: " ~ Wh*res in this house~ there some wh*res in this house~ there some wh*res in this house~ there some wh*res in this house~"

Bonus: He once forgets to connect his headphones to his tablet before playing WAP:

[Wap is being played at max volume inside Trein's class]

Idia: *Thinks that the sound is coming from his head phones*

The classroom: "Beat it up, n*gga, catch a charge

Extra large and extra hard

Put this p**sy right in your face

Swipe your nose like a credit card"

Trein: 😳

Students: 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

Crowley about to jump down: 🤭

Idia still not realizing what the hell is going on: 'Lucy lucy baby~ hihihi- wait- why they all staring at me now...? Did they hear me internally flirt with Lucius?'

No need to say what happened to Idia after this...

Ortho Shroud

No WAP for him. You may find him reacting to "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands" if you're interested.🗿

Malleus Draconia

Thank goodness he just finds the censored version of WAP... Listens to the whole song, but doesn't understand most of the lyrics. The "Put this cookie right in your face" part confuses him the most, he doesn't get it. Why would you put a cookie in your face? Is this something humans usually to do with their desserts? Like, would they put ice cream in their faces too?

Virgin dragon keeps on asking people, including Lilia, to tell him what it means to put a cookie in one's face, yet no one seems to give him any proper answers ):

Perhaps human music just isn't his thing, he's getting back to sad violin noises which he listens to when he isn't invited.

Lilia Vanrouge

WAP go brrrrrrr. Our sassy grandpa is legit in love with this piece of gold and all of the humans for achieving such a glory. The beat is superb and the lyrics are: Delicious, motivational and creatively written.

Even better, WAP has an unofficial but smexy dance too. Old man Lilia is never too old for performing a sexy physically challenging dance.

You can now hear savage rock sounds combined with WAP playing in the background coming from his room when he's vibing in the afternoon.

(I can totally see him wearing a neko maiden costume while dancing to WAP and you can't tell me otherwise)

Silver

Finds WAP in papa Lilia's playlist...

Silver:

Silver:

Sebek Zigvolt

Sweet mother of love Sebek feels like listening to WAP has taken his virginity away-

He is a good boy, no, he once was a good boy. He's no longer the worthy man he used to be now that this unholy song has tainted his soul.

Legit feels guilty and and sinful after WAP, so you can find him praying for forgiveness to that Malleus portrait in his room every night.

"Oh young master forgive my thoughtless deeds, I beg for your mercy upon me now that I've sinned..."

Dire Crowley

Not saying that a drag Queen Crowley dancing to WAP would be a thing, but a drag Queen Crowley dancing to WAP would be a thing- Everyone bow down to the Headmaster, the most gracious of them all 😩😩😩👌🏻

Please, don't blame him. Birby is under too much of pressure after the very recent overblot cases and he needs a way to let go of the stress😔😔😔

Sam

Is illegally selling copies of the WAP because most of the dorms had blocked access to this song for the students...

"Helloooooo little demons I've got the WAP! In stuck now-"

[giorno-plays-piano]

Warlock's Apprentice

Pairing: warlock!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession, allusion to non-con, breeding, non-graphic depiction of violence, manhandling.

Words: 2373.

Summary: You walked side by side with the Devil.

_____________

You still had hard time believing you were walking down the Great Hall, stepping on the white marbled floors and doing your best not to shake while the members of the court stared down at you as if you were some fairytale creature. You saw giant mirrors hanging on blazing white walls and golden curtains, huge heavy chandeliers with thousands of candles, the statues of gold double eagles - everything here was so different compared to the gloomy tower of the Warlock where it was dark even during the brightest days.

Knowing he watched you out of the corner of his eye, you clenched your teeth, keeping your composure. You had to make a good impression, not gape at the walls like a country girl. Maybe you weren't an aristocrat like most of the people here, but you were the Shadow Enchanter, the Soldat's Apprentice, second only to him, and you had a power to reckon with.

"Keep your head up, girl." You heard Bucky's voice in your head and stiffened involuntary. "We are above them all."

Would you be charged with treason if anyone was to discover what your master was telling you? You bet you would.

You stepped on the blue carpet and finally saw a raised throne of gold at the end of the room, beautiful people in ostentatious clothes milling over it - all you saw were not faces but gowns of silk and brocade, fancy parade uniforms, ribbons, medals, and bawdricks. This extravagance was slowly making your stomach sick, but you thought of your completely black soldier's dress and felt a bit better abour yourself. Your master and you must have looked like two crows among the peacocks.

"The Warlock and Shadow Enchanter." Somebody's loud voice thundered, and you saw the King sitting on the golden throne, the Queen to his right, and two young men standing by their sides.

God, it was happening, truly.

The King looked like a man who carried the weight of the world on his thin shoulders, his face unhealthy pale - you could see the dark circles around his eyes regardless of how court magicians tried to cover them with their glamour charms. It was true then, all the rumors you heard of King's withering health. He was only in his forties, but, apparently, he would hardly last long.

The Queen, on the contrary, looked nothing like her plain husband, her body unmistakably strong, her forms magnificent and face looking fresh with ruddy, healthy glow in her cheeks. Her older son was much like her with the same grace in his features - Steven was his name, and he was the very same Prince Charming all the girls in the Academy were talking about when you were still studying there.

You wanted to stare shamelessly at his immensely handsome face, his eyes blue like southern sky in the summer, but you bit your tongue instead. You were no longer a girl dreaming of marrying princes and living in a high castle.

Then you glanced quickly at the other son, Peter, the one who was about your age. While Steven, undoubtedly, took after his mother, Peter reminded you of the King, although much younger and - you admitted with shame - much prettier. He had dark hair and dark eyes, yet there was light to his face. Maybe he lacked the same intimidating air the other royals had around them, but you saw his dignity, his kind and clever eyes shining with interest as the Warlock and you moved closer to the end of the room.

You liked the younger son, you thought and then cringed as you failed to keep your eyes off the princes once again.

"Please don't collapse if one of them decides to talk to you."

You clenched your teeth tighter, hating this awful manner with which your master intruded in your thoughts all the time.

You needed to keep calm. You were to give your vows to protect the royal family and your kingdom. And later... later you were most certainly to be invited to the royal ball organized in Warlock's honor to celebrate his return. Maybe you would get a glimpse of the princes there.

_____________

"Do you think I brought you here to give you to the prince?" His mocking tone turned dark, poisonous. "You think I've been teaching you magic all these years so you could marry one of those pathetic royals and keep giving them babies with Enchanter's blood running through their veins?"

You tried to move away from the Warlock, but he grabbed you by the arm and brought you closer, watching you wincing in pain.

"My task is to keep away the Great Shadow." You whispered, horrified with your teacher's sudden shift of mood and wishing to run to the door the moment he'd let you go. "It doesn't mean I should be celibate."

"And your husband has to be the prince, of course." Bucky grimaced and cupped your chin, staring at you with his scary light eyes from above. "Women. You're all the same. It is never enough for you, is it? I gave you the power to wreck the world, and all you want is to lay beneath a weakling wearing the crown."

You pushed him, chanting a little spell - you caught him by surprised and quickly stepped back, shiver running down your spine. You had seen the Warlock being furious many times, but never as mad as now, pacing back and forth your chamber like a caged beast, his hands clenched in fists. God, you knew he'd take it badly.

"I've done no wrong." You claimed in a shaky voice, thinking of whether you had to chant a barrier around yourself. "I didn't betray you. His Highness said nothing about marrying me or anything of this kind! We've only danced and talked about science and magic."

Bucky let out a laugh, and you felt your stomach twisting.

"Of course, my dear. No one will say anything to you until one day they'll come to your chambers and announce your wedding with prince without asking for your approval. By the way, sweetheart, which prince do you want?" The knot in your throat prevented you from defending yourself in front of your furious master. "I guess you like the young one more, but you caught the attention of the crown prince. You want to be the Queen, don't you? This is the only thing that matters for a little minx like you."

Biting down on your lip, you felt your eyes watering at his words. Why was he saying that? You had never been power-hungry. You cared little for royals and luxury surrounding them, and your master knew it better than anyone else. Why was he saying that? Why did he need to humiliate you for something you had never wished for even in your dreams?

"But I've got to tell you the truth." The man looked at you bitterly. "You'll never be their equal. They'll treat you like nothing but the tool to strengthen their bloodline, and that's all you got to be for them. You'll become one more of their Assets like I've been before."

"Am I not the Asset to you?" You blinked away the tears and stared at him with revulsion, feeling betrayed. "Weren't you going to use me for your own purpose? Don't tell me you wanted to set me free. What's the difference between you and the royal family?"

"Ungrateful little brat." He hissed and moved before you could create the shield.

The man gripped your hair in his fist and yanked you towards your bed, hovering above you and pushing your face in the mattress with all his force. Your cry was muffled by the blanket as you tried to fight him, but was easily outpowered, ropes binding your arms by your master's command. Your first thought was that Bucky wanted to strangle you in rage - you could hardly breathe beneath his large hand. Knowing his unyielding temperament, you did what you could to wriggle free, chanting more and more spells, yet he was able to undo your clumsy charms with ease.

"Stop struggling." He snarled, pushing your face into the bed. "Or I'll show what you get for talking to your master like that."

His angry voice sounded threatening - the last time you disregard it he whipped you that bad you couldn't sit properly for a week, but today everything might end up much worse that that, you thought. You always got to obey him no matter what.

Why did you had to now, though? You were no longer his little girl, hiding in his shadow. Today you were deemed worthy serving your King, and, in fact, the Warlock had no power over you anymore. Unfortunately, he was never bothered by formalities.

"I have fed you, clothed you, given you the roof above you head and shared my knowledge with you." You heard him growling in your ear as he let you breathe again, moving his palm from your head to the back of your neck. "And this is how you thank me for everything I've done for you?"

"I've served you all these years like a dog." You hissed. "I've cooked and cleaned, I've made so many potions I could make a fortune from it alone, I've protected the Tower when Wakandan magus came searching for you. I took all your beatings without saying a word!"

"I didn't beat you, I've trained you."

"You can call it whatever you like, master." You grinned wickedly at him, watching him with your peripheral vision.

His gaze darkened, and you realized you were only making it worse for yourself. Nevertheless, you refused to be intimidated by him, the man who had ruled over you, took advantage of you, forced you to obey his every whim and keep your mouth shut. You wouldn't let him treat you like that. Not anymore.

You felt his ragged breath on the top of your head, his huge body pressing yours into the mattress. He was the Winter Soldier, the Soldat, the Warlock, but you could bring the Great Shadow to the chamber with a snap of your fingers, and he could do nothing to fight it. The only issue with it was that the King would claim you a traitor instead of savior and send all his soldiers to hunt you till the end of your days.

Suddenly, you sensed Bucky's grip weakening, and then he withdrew his hand, letting you move away from him that very second, ropes falling on the bed sheets. His eyes were as cold as a winter night when he stared at you, crawling away from him on the bed.

"Do you want the crown, Y/N?" The man asked sharply, and you narrowed your eyes at him.

"I want someone to love me." You said angrily. "I want to be treated kindly. I want to feel appreciated. I want all the things you would never give me, master."

For a moment you thought Bucky looked hurt before he was on you again, his hands clenching yours and blocking your charms. As you stared at his face, his expression enraged, you growled just like him.

"Rot in Hell." You barked, almost ready to call the Shadow.

"I've been rotting long before you were born, little girl."

He lowered himself until his forehead touched yours, and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. You saw his anger disappearing, but you didn't feel a delicious sense of relief, anxiety washing over you even more.

"They've taken away all I had. They stripped me of any family and friends, my comrades, anything I treasured, and they want to snatch you away from me all the same." He whispered lowly, watching you frown. "Stay with me, and I'll make you a saint in the eyes of people. You're the Shadow Enchanter, you're above all the royals hiding in this wretched place."

"But you want me beneath you." You said, deeply hurt at his words and his desire to control you even when you thought he deemed you worthy of his trust. "Above them all, but beneath you. Don't you see I want to be neither queen nor saint? All I ever wanted was to be treated fairly, and you denied me this. You're keep doing it even now."

Suddenly, you realized tears were streaming down your face and making the pillow beneath you wet.

"What have I done to you? I loved you with all my heart, and you mocked me for it. You've made me force these feelings down my throat. I wanted you to be proud of me, value me, tell me I'm good enough, but you didn't. Now you get mad because someone else dared to do it?"

His eyes went wide at your confession.

"Did you love me? Did you ever love me?"

"I did. I even dreamt of marrying you." You bit back a cry, angry at yourself for telling him the truth when all you wanted was to spit in his face. "Imagine, master, I hoped to bear your children. But if you don't want it, maybe one day someone else would."

"I do. I want it."

You winced from humiliation and a deep sense of shame, your face flushed.

Of course, now he'd say whatever you wanted to hear from him to make you comply again. He'd play with your feelings as he had always done, and in the end you won't ever become the true Shadow Enchanter, you'd always be the Warlock's faithful Apprentice and nothing else.

"Do you think I can believe you now?" You let out a quiet laugh, staring at him with resentment and hate.

"I don't need you to believe me." He said and pressed his dry chapped lips to your forehead. "I'll show you. I'll show you that you're wrong."

Bucky moved slightly, and you felt the bulge in his pants against your thigh. Oh Gods.

"No, no, master, please-"

"I'll make you a saint. I'll put a crown on your pretty head." His whisper burnt your ear when his nose brushed against your temple. "I'll give you all the things you deserve, and no prince will take you away from me."

___________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki  ​@helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin ​@void-hoechlin @abyssaint

[oopcio]

Hello!! Could I get some domestic life headcannons for the arcana women :3 I would love lots of fluff bc I’m soft for them. Tysm!💕

yes!!! love the arcana, love women, love the arcana women... perfect request [chef kiss]

nadia:

married life was treating both of you royally. when married to lucio, nadia once wondered if there would ever be a point in time when she would be happily wed - not simply for politics, but for herself, and for love. fortunately for the both of you, such a day did come! it was crazy to think that you’d been brought together by the mysterious murder of her ex-husband. fate has a funny sense of humor, huh?

nadia is normally quite busy as the countess of vesuvia, but rest assured, because she will always make time for you. if she has any say in the matter, there will never be a time when you don’t feel like her first priority, or when you feel anything less than the most important thing in nadia’s life. when these things become too overwhelming for either one or both of you, you take little vacations! perhaps not too far away when there is work to be done, or if you don’t want to travel too far. you can visit the surrounding cities and whatnot, and you’re always invited to prakra! that is, undoubtedly, the place you visit most often.

and that doesn’t go without saying that nadia’s family doesn’t visit you, because they definitely do! at least once every month or two, either you will visit prakra to see them or they come to see you if at all possible. her family absolutely loves you and it takes little to no time at all to be considered one of them. natiqa immediately includes you in her good-humored pranks, nazali in their medical practices, nahara in fighting techniques, nafizah in dancing and lively fun, so on.

if you want a baby, a baby you will get!!! if the pregnancy/adoption process overlaps with the masquerade, that is when the announcement will be made that the countess and her partner’s next heir is on their merry way, and a baby shower will be held not long after, where the entire city of vesuvia is invited. if the baby is already born/adopted by the next masquerade, then nadia will spend most (if not) the entire evening with you carrying the child and introducing them to all the citizens attending. not to mention how she’d have a special little masquerade costume tailered especially for them!

however, if that’s not something you want, fear not! it’s not something strikingly important to nadia, and she wouldn’t particularly be opposed to the act of baby-proofing the whole palace, taking diaper checks in the middle of meetings, getting spit-up on extravagant clothing made from exotic cloths and the like. she can easily settle for just showering you in love, affection, and gifts for the rest of her days.

you bring out the very best in nadia, and she soon realizes that she could not picture a life without you. you make her strive to do her best, you remind her of all the people in vesuvia looking up to her, their lives in the palm of her hands. if she ever started to get a bit too power hungry, you quickly put her back on track. you complete her, as cheesy as it may sound, but you really make her feel all of these things. she hardly thought she’d ever find love as a countess - she was wed simply to lay peace between two lands and even if she did, somehow, find someone, it was likely that they’d use her in order to get her position, or her wealth. but you completely erased all those thoughts. you gave her no reason to second guess your love, you were always there for her; a cuddle at the end of a hard day, a well-spoken word or two when she needed it, a shoulder to cry and bare her most vulnerable state to. whatever she needed, you were that. you were always that.

in short, domestic life with nadia, summed up in one word? ideal.

portia:

she’s the ultimate cottage core wife, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. she used to feel like she was just a secondary character in her own life - looking around her, there was her brother ilya, a fugitive doctor always on the run to save his skin, and asra, a great magician who was undoubtedly well-known in vesuvia, even nadia herself! the very countess of vesuvia! and portia was just... the head servant. she had a comfortable life before meeting you; living in her cottage with pepi and growing flowers and plants in her garden, but even then it was missing something. it was missing you. you brought that excitement and adrenaline that she so desperately needed into her life, and how silly would she be to let you go?

meeting you was the best thing to happen to her. not just for the exhilaration you brought, but because you made her feel like a heroine. you made her feel like she was no longer the secondary character in her life, taught her that she is just as unique and fun to be around as any of the others, even if you were a bit biased...

it didn’t take very long for her to realize, during your first thrilling adventure that you were the only person she wanted to ever do these quests with, for the rest of her life. your relationship developed as slowly or as quickly as you ideally wanted - she never pressed to hard and progress just came naturally to the two of you.

when you moved in with portia in her cottage, mornings were spent drinking tea in the morning sun, sitting in front of a window in the bedroom with pepi curled up between the both of you. portia loved the feeling of providing for you, even in the most minuscule ways, just to sort of feel like she was - in some way - returning something to you since you were the one who taught her how to discover herself. she makes breakfast in the mornings before you get up, so she can bring it to you while you eat in bed. she does her best to make you as comfortable as she possibly can 24/7, claiming she wants to make you “at least half as comfortable as you make me, every single day”.

you and portia talk about everything, and, in many ways, you hold the same morals and believe in the same things. if you ever want to get married one day, she will take the information to heart and find the most beautiful sunset and the prettiest garden blooms to propose to you in, if you don’t take the initiative yourself. if you’re the one who does make the first move, however, she’ll definitely tear up happily and jump up and down, grabbing your hands once you slide the ring on her finger. she’d never had such an important piece of jewelry, until that moment.

if you don’t really believe in/like the concept of marriage, that’s fine too! she’ll explain that she sees the whole process so time consuming. why spend time wasting hard-earned time and money on a wedding when you can get a head start on living your best life, together? when that valuable time could be spent either relaxing in the cottage or going out and exploring what the world has to offer.

you want a baby? awesome! portia makes sure to help as much as possible, no complaints. she’ll take every available moment to constantly tell you and your baby how adorable your child is. parenting is definitely an easy job when you’re both easily compatible (and just flat out incredible). and if you don’t want kids? that’s fine too! she’s not particularly baby crazy, and would just as well like to baby little pepi with you! you’re cat parents now, and that’s good enough, right?

but, if you’re looking for a summary? the simplist way i can phrase it is... like heaven, pretty much. i mean, having a wife who has a thirst for thrill and exhilaration, a cottage in the woods witn her own little self-sustainable garden, and an adorable little kitten? and your wife is adorable 5’1 portia, no less?! who wouldn’t want that?

(a/n: first headcanon whoo!!! leave some feedback if you want, i just noticed halfway thru writing that most hc lists are bulleted rather than written in paragraphs, so if that’s how it’s supposed to be or smthn lmk. i guess i’m just used to writing in paragraph forms??? oops, oh well. i guess you can tell me what you thought if you want, and i hope you enjoyed this!!!! thank you so so much for reading!!!! 💜 p.s. too tired to proofread lol. i will tomorrow (maybe))

- jiah 💖

[highkingfen]

A TM FB ground asked ‘’What do you love about fen’’ I had a lot to say...

Alright, so I am procrastinating to do something else so let me write why I love fen. 

Something Brittany said as she was saying goodbye to her character was how Fen was born to be a side character and became a hero. I remember starting to cry after hearing that because this is exactly why I adore her. 

I had an abusive relationship where the guy didn't even realize how abusive he was and destroyed the little self-confidence I had build in myself after years of bullying and not being smart enough in math for my high school. And then I decided to stop dating and rebuild myself and it is by mistake that I fell in love with my husband (We both didn't want to date, the irony) and when he introduced me to The Magicians he told me I’d associate with Fen. Most likely because I’d love her kindness and princess-y vibe. What he didn't expect is that I loved her for so much more than that

Fen comes from a world that doesn't value women the same as men. In a world where her father refuses to show her how to make magical blades because she was a girl . And yet, she learns how to use them and how to sharpen them with whetstone, despite not what a woman should do. She learned her father’s craft enough that she was able to appreciate a good blade (The couple’s torture device) or even know the difference between a blade cut vs an animal one (S03E02)

Fen was raised with the only goal to be a wife; one day it might happen that a stranger comes at their door and she will have to marry him without even saying anything, so her family could rise in the rank of Fillorian royalty. And arrive, Eliot who married her, thinking he would die and not to have to handle her, so when he came back alive she had to manage to be newlywed to a self-destructive man. 

Tick never valued her or the pesant, we see her face when he get means to the FU fighter, and I am sure it is not the only side remark Tick has done toward her; she was never one of the ‘’royalty’’.

One of their first conversation in the castle is how she wants to be obedient to him. which means she was told to be so, and probably that her job was also to produce an heir. Her job was to be the quiet wife of the High King and provide lineage. But that is not what happens. Despite Eliot saying he wanted her to be his equal, it took nearly 4 seasons for him to do so. He dismissed her, never told her when he left or what would happen and only truly cared when she was in danger or taken over by the fairy. Fen only knew what she had to do: be a wife and give a baby . But Eliot was not attracted to her and would never love her and Margo gave her baby away. 

So this leads us to her breakdown. Margo and Eliot clearly didn’t know what to do with her because they let her be in a psychosis where she was carrying a log as a baby, but losing her baby to the fairies was Fen's last straw. I think she was starting to accept that Eliot would never love her and that she might be able to help Fillory by staying with Eliot (’’You think I stay because of how deeply attracted to me you are. I love Fillory. It is my home’’ - S02E06) and losing her baby, the one thing she knew she could provide, was just too much; everything she was told to be and do she could not. 

This is why Margo giving her the crown as an Acting King in the end of S03 is HUGE. Not only she became the first crowned Fillorian (Tick never wore it) but it was also a sign for Margo to recognized that during season 3, she was learning how to heal and becoming her own person. Not Eliot's wife, but fen. There is this amazing moment where Fen says to Eliot that she can’t go to her old life and they are stuck together. This is both of them admiring their marriage will never work, but they promised to care for one another and they will. At least, they try. They do. 

If Julia showed Fen that healing of trauma is complicated but does not mean going toward a darker you, Margo showed Fen how to be her own voice. Not to be Eliot’s wife or Margo’s confidente, but Fen. Margo even let her lead the quest and make her own mistake before saving her from fraud (S04E08) because Margo knows that she would stay naive if she is never given the chance to do something on her own. Even more, when Margo learns that Fen wants to overthrow her, she trusts and know her enough that this is not a back-stabbing move but something bigger, and she accepts her fate in order to save Eliot, but also making sure Fen will be safe (’’I curse you Fen! But be nice to her!’’ S04E09) Fen will try to lead like Margo leads, being daring and trying to use her power to help; this is how her and Josh discover The Secret Sea in the castle after all. 

But then she gets abandoned in the past and learns that Margo had given up on saving her and even tried to kill her in the heat of a battle. While part of it could be forgiven (margo was wolfing hard let's be real) That is when Fen stop seeing Margo on a pedestal. (S05E03) She discovers that Margo, much like Eliot, has severe flaws. This doesn't mean that she will stop caring about her, but that she will be able to have her own voice when talking to her.

Season 5, now having a voice, she had to struggle just like Kady not to be the one in the background that nobody listens. If more than once she is ignored and that some of them are just cruel for no apparent reason when they need her she decide to say no. To call their bullshit and say that they would try harder to save Earth if it was happening on their planet. Eliot teaches her then what it means to have a voice and to be a hero; sometimes there is no perfect solution, just two choices and you take the less shitty. She learns there that having a voice is to listen to what other say and then put your own knowledge into the group instead of trying to do like Margo and stump on everyone with her idea. (S05E11) We see her during the heist episode, she use herself being FIllorian to insure her friend security (S05E12) and this confidence was totally new for Fen.  I don't think she would have been able to put her life on the line without what Eliot had told her before). 

Lastly, Fen wanted to be a mom. Losing her baby will be a trauma she will have to live with forever. But it is beautiful that, in a sense, she carried Fillory within her (i Mean literally) until it was ready to be hatched. (S05E12-13) FIllory 2.0 is her baby, she will be forever the mother of the land, forever linked with the history of the one place she loved and defended from the moment we met her. 

I love fen for all those reasons. Because sometimes, rebuilding yourself after trauma is messy and full of mistakes. But when you are ready to listen to your friends, to forgive and to stand up for what you believe, you can become a version of yourself nobody ever believes you could ever be. I am pretty sure if she’d go back to her dad, he would not recognize his daughter. This proud and self assured woman who, despite her trauma, seek to find good and kindness in people, try to forgive those who hurt her and also, fucking put fillory in her vagina. 

[stevenuniversetanzanite]

Fallen Angel (Venable X reader) Part 2

I mentioned this extending over multiple characters. I assume most people read for all her ahs characters, so I don’t think how I am going this will be a problem.

I have two/three chapters written for the prequel (which is with Cordelia) which will go with this collection, I guess it would be called. If you want me to post the first two of that I probably could, the only problem is it will explain the reader’s deal. So if anyone wants it I could post it otherwise, it will wait.

Summary/idea: Two strangers come to ‘save’ the occupants of outpost 3. Neither are what they seem.

Warnings: N/A

Parts: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 , Part 4, Part 5 (Will add as I go)

Ms Venable couldn't wrap her head around the pure insanity of the new girl. She was completely bonkers in every single way, she shouldn't trust a word that left your mouth. You were the only one who knew Michael before he arrived at the outpost if anyone knew his true intentions it would be his business partner. Whether your words were valuable, well that would only show with time. If she took everything you said with a grain of salt then what's the harm in hearing you out. I mean, how can she trust a girl who forgot she ate someone else's meal? Or, claims she hadn't eaten since '92? She didn't even look old enough to be born then.

She kept an eye on the girl, to see if she could trust her. Her incessant flirting painted her to be a bit of a harlot. She was used to presumptuousness from working with Jeff and Mutt- always looking down upon them and their perverted lifestyle with a string of hookers attached. This was different, maybe because the attention was towards her? Y/N didn't look like a streetwalker, the formal attire suited her well actually, something Venable would never admit aloud. 

She didn't mind the girl's intentions. She was even flattered. No one had ever shown interest in her, not even in her younger days. She had always been a woman of action, always needed to get something done. Someone would hold her back. Also, her incessant complaining that the men are the scum of the earth tended to draw that sex away, not that she minded, they never appealed to her anyway. 

You were careful but still managed to have a filterless go about communicating. You took what you deemed was yours (mainly other peoples food or drinks) and no one complained. You had power over them, one word from you (if even) and their shot at making it to the sanctuary would be torn away from them. Even with this knowledge, they made an effort to get to know you, possibly for their own benefit. You put more work into knowing the residents than Venable had in all the time she'd been running it. 

"Ms Venable requested your presence," A grey informed you mid-conversation with a few of the men in the outpost. 

"Duty calls boys, good luck on your interviews," you wished them luck before turning attention to the grey. "Keep me company?" The grey nodded their head once knowing whether or not they wanted to; they had orders to obey all in a higher rank eg you. 

You made small talk with the grey, finding out what they did the world ended. They asked back and you responded honestly, telling them about your schooling. "But I guess they're all dead now. Oh well, we all can't be lucky." The conversation took a dark spin, bumming the person who didn't want to be there. "I wish you the best of luck during your interview and I'm sorry about the loss of your husband and kids." As soon as the door is shut, you uttered out, "They aren't going to make the cut."

"Good evening Ms L/N," Venable said.

"It's evening? I only woke up an hour ago." 

"I assumed you didn't want to be a part of our… customs."

"I don't if it means I have to wake up before it's dark- wait, it's always dark here, nevermind." You noticed the bottle of red on her desk and the two glasses. "Ah yes, you got the red." You ran over to her desk and cracked it open, pouring yourself a glass. "That's the shit. Better than the last wine I had. You can call me Y/N by the way. I have a feeling we'll be getting to know each other very well."

"This is strictly business Ms L/N, I would like to get in with it."

"The fact that you have to say it's business suggests to me it's not- at least not entirely," you smirked. "But I'll play your games."

"Do you ever stop-"

"Stop what?"

"If you let me finish then you would have found out-"

"No." Venable was losing her temper. "The answer to your question is no. I don't flirt with everyone I meet, I’m not a whore. Ask anyone here if I have ever flirted with them." You took a sip of your wine. You knew exactly what she was going to ask. People's minds weren't as perplexing as their behaviours. "Did you want me to pour you a glass? I assumed you were capable of doing it yourself but some people like sentiment."

This was all your game. It had to be. Venable wanted no part of you, she was fine on her own. She couldn't even call this an alliance, it was a one time thing to get information from you. If she had to play by your terms then so be it.

"You said you had intel on Mr Langdon."

"Mister, more like master, he's barely 12. Why do you people call young boys master anyway that's kinda fucked up. Is that an old-timey thing?"

"You're not making any sense."

"Nothing about that man does." You chuckled like what you said was an inside joke. " How much do you know about the Cooperative?"

"As much as they needed to tell me to be able to do my job."

"Which is?"

"Excuse me?"

"I know what you do but I want to know in your words."

"I am the keeper of order, looking after humans' last survivors."

"Look after, I take it loosely. Killing doesn't usually fall under that category."

You knew that she’d been killing off the survivors for their disobedience? She didn't gather you to be the observant type after that display on your first day.

"Killing was necessary to keep order-"

"And I'm not complaining, it's remarkable how you manage to use their own fear against the lingering." Lingering? That would imply that they are on their last threads, not supposed to stick around much longer. 

"And what do you see my job being?"

"Oh, I can't tell you that. Self-awareness will ruin everything. It's like that unspoken agreement between a magician and their audience, if you are aware of the magic then it ruins the allusion. Also, I can't tell you directly, it will ruin my reputation-"

"You have a good reputation? Among the Cooperative?"

"God no, the Cooperative isn't important. Why be loyal to the dead?"

“Then to whom?”

“If you stick around long enough, you’ll find out yourself,” You said vaguely. "I'll tell ya one thing about that man. He has said it himself, in other words, he doesn't give a crap about anyone else unless you are faithless on his side, he can't give a rat's ass about any of you."

"On his side or on our knees praising him? I know his kind. Men."

"If you don't side with him, you won't survive the year. You have very few options V." You said. You rose your glass, "Thanks for the wine." You vanished before Venable could stop you.

The days went on. More people were getting interviewed for the selection process. Others, such as Coco, nagged you on how well they did. You would always shrug and tell them the interviews weren't your job, as everyone had been told at the introduction. You already knew no one thus far had made the cut but why rip their hope from right under them. While they still think they have a shot, they are easily manipulative. 

It was an hour before curfew for the residents. You tended to spend the night’s hours in Michael’s office re-reading over the occupants' files, drawing or sitting by the fire. You were catching up with Michael when Ms Venable interrupted.

“Ms Venable,” Langdon said in his drawn-out monotone voice.  

“Mr Langdon. Ms L/N.”

“V.”

“Excellent timing. I was meaning to speak to you.”

“You were?”

“You’ve violated the rules set up by the cooperative, instead implementing your own.”

Langdon went on about Venable's transgressions against proper protocol. Wilhemina insisted that she was given classified instructions which made you laugh. You had heard the rules too many times when they were being made to not have memorized them. Michael may have taken a more backseat approach to all of this but you kept a closer eye on all of this, mainly not trusting the two cokeheads organising this whole shebang and you were right to, the place has been infiltrated. 

Langdon told the story of the woman and child you stumbled across when heading over. A mother with her two children, one child sick, the other, a baby, dead in her arms. She begged for mercy but neither showed mercy. Venable was taken by the story and republished by what you two did or didn’t do. Venable insisted that none of her charges are worthy to move on to the Sanctuary aside from Dinah, whom she admitted she knows little of.

“At this rate, it sounds like we will have the sanctuary all to ourselves,” Langdon said. He stood up from his desk walking over to the woman standing in the centre of the room, in front of the fireplace. “There’s no need for us to be adversaries, Ms Venable.” He stood in her personal space, she was forced to look slightly upwards towards the taller man. You swivel your chair around to watch on. “Take off your dress.”

Both women choked. What did he just say to her?

“I will not.” She was as shocked as you. She laughs uncomfortably, stiffening slightly. 

She glanced from the man before her to you, trying to piece together if this suggestion was in some way your doing. With all the suggestive comments you make in passing towards her, she wouldn’t doubt it. 

You propped yourself on the edge of your seat. “Michael, what are you-” In the month you had been there Wilhemina had never heard you call him by his first name. You always insisted on calling people by nicknames rather than their given names, all the outpost members had at least one, ones you talk to more frequently have multiple. 

“A part of your cooperation includes a physical examination.” Only after he spoke did he acknowledge you. A look telling you to back down was enough for you to piece it together. No one gets special treatment, she had to follow all the same rules as everyone else to see how far she would go and with that, must go through their tests of will.

You eased back in your chair, sitting the most proper you have in years. You turned your attention away, picking up a pen from the man’s desk and playing with its clicker. 

“You can read my file,” she spoke with a quiver in her voice. You winced at the sound of her broken voice. Someone who presented themselves so strongly, shouldn’t be allowed to be seen as weak.

“Your file won’t show me what I need to see. Your shame.” He circled Venable, his hand running from her shoulder to her back. “I want to see the part of you that humiliated you the most.” Venable stopped before it reached her spine. “You won’t get a second chance.”

You leapt up from your chair, snapping the two out of their own world, “I’ll do it- I’ll to the examination.”

“Y/N-”

You made your way over to the two, “I was a nurse back in the day- well nun but let's not go into that.” You move Michael’s hand off her back. 

“I was capable of examining the other-” You knew he didn’t do anything to them. He wasn’t going to do much to her other than look at her back, bring her down a level in the process.

“I’m more qualified to do this and if you are supposed to be doing a physical examination wouldn’t you prefer a medical professional to do it. Unless you have some ulterior motive.”

He eased back knowing that if by bringing up the idea of an ulterior motive if he insisted on doing it, it would appear that way.

“You’re turning weak Y/N,” Michael whispered in your ear as he passed you on the way to his desk. “Just like how I found you.”

You had to stop yourself from snapping back at him. You were weak… human. A part of that still lingers in you, begging for more attention. You shoved it back down but it kept reemerging with these reckless feelings. You thought if you found something to stimulate your old life, maybe it would go away. Your needs were different now but you still needed commitment. Someone to worship the ground you walked on, maybe even do the same back. 

Michael made it to his desk, he told you to hurry along with it. You stared at her face, the close proximity becoming uncomfortable. You apologised before circling her. You would make this as quick as possible for her while still not hurting her. You zipped down her dress revealing her ‘shame’ as Michael called it. You ran your cold hands down the curvature of her spine asking if it hurt. She shook her head, not being able to speak due to the overwhelming emotion she was going through. You zipped her back up before announcing you were done. Her hand slipped back on her shoulder checking if you were telling the truth, her hand meeting yours. Her hand faltered at the contact but reached out for yours holding it briefly. You were the one to pull away, you two weren’t the only ones in the room.

“Did I pass?” She pulled all the strength she could to ask the question. 

Michael looked towards you, annoyed. “Ask Y/n, she seems to think she’s in charge of this now.”

Wilhemina looked towards you. She was confused between the sudden switch of both of yours dynamic.

“You will find out in due time. Like the others.” You don’t look at her as you made your way back to your spot in front of the desk. “I would like to continue the meeting we were having before you interrupted.” You glared daggers at the man before you.

She repulsed you, Venable thought. You refused to look at her after you saw her back. The one person who actively sort her out was turned away by her- She wasn’t to sob but held it in. She had to make it back to her room, her sanctuary.  

“What did you think you were doing?” Michael asked you when the woman left.

“You said I could have one person of my choice in favour of my service to your cause.”

“I shouldn’t even have to do that, you should be faithful to me because-”

“You are not your father, I could give two shits about you and your little plan for the earth.” You snapped. “He could have done it himself, instead of sending his spawn to do it. Don’t even get me started on his procession attempts- I don’t know what his plan was with that.” You stood up leaning all your weight on his desk. He looked up to you with that stupid little smug expression he gave the others. He thought he was above you, typical antichrist behaviour. “I swear he could have come up with a better way to do that or better yet, figured out a way to appear human among. Everyone else can do it if he’s so powerful why can’t he? Don’t look at me like you're above me, you may be tough stuff but you're still human. You can still go to hell. It’s not as nice as you might think if daddy dearest wants out too.”  You went to leave. “You refused me to have my first course as it would screw up your plan, I understood that. But you aren’t stopping this time.”

“The woman is incapable of love. Even if you get her to like you, she won’t stay long. There’s a reason angels and demons don’t date.”

“Like you know shit, your a child and barely de-” 

You were flung against the wall being held by Michael’s power. You felt a pressure around your neck choking you. You gasped for air but nothing was coming in. 

“You might be more human than you thought Y/N.” He cut his magic off, gravity kicked in and you fell to the ground in a crumpled mess. He walked over to your body kneeling down and leading over your body which was backed up against the door. “Know where your place is. Either as my equal or as my enemy.” He stood. “And if you choose enemy, you’ll be dead with those witches you hung out with.” You chuckled knowing better than him. Yeah, dead.

“What must I do- to get rid of the- humanity?” The word humanity felt wrong. 

“Kill what it wants. Kill Venable.”

Link to next chapter

[the-third-bard]

Story summary of "the voice of reason"

Aka the titty girl story

This one had way more parts than any other so this post will be pretty long

Part one

Part one is the one page at the very beginning of the book where the girl sneaks into Geratl's room when he's "sleeping" and rubs her titties all over his face. "The voice of reason" takes place before the striga so there really wasn't any point in having this be the Very First Page except to hook horny straight men.

Part two

Part two starts with Geralt waking up in the temple of Melitele after having implied off-screen sex w titty-girl (Iola, who's a apparently a water nymph and talented with magic and is psychic? Or smth?)

Nenneke is introduced and scolds Geralt for being reckless in the fight with the striga. They seem to have kind of a mother-son relationship. (Nenneke has apparently known Geralt since he was a child? Which would make her Old As Fuck).

Geralt visits this temple once or twice a year.

Most of this part is about introducing religion and the cult of Melitele. The temple he's in seems to be part-church part-school? Theres a lot of younger girls and even children who learn stuff here and then go on working as midwives, teachers, healers (specifically women's and children's diseases), etc.

Dandelion is mentioned, he doesn't believe in Melitele. Dandelion is explicitly called Geralt's friend.

Nenneke wants Geralt to go into some sort of trance with the help of Iola? I guess this will be explained in later parts.

Part three

I loved this part, the best part of the book so far.

Some White Rose dickheads have visited the temple just to tell Geralt to fuck off. (White Rose is basically nazis mixed with scientologists, and they hate all non-humans) (later they will become the flaming rose, i think, and thats like the white rose lvl 100, with like full on genocide and shit)

Anyway, these tools show up and want Geralt gone and insult him and Nenneke, but ofc Nenneke won't have that and verbally beats the shit out of them. One of the dudes, Tailles, challenges Geralt to a duel for his insults and Geralt mostly laughs it off.

There's not a lot of plot here, the whole chapter reads as if it was an imaginary political argument Andrzej Sapkowski was having in his head where he was winning and he decided to put it in the book. I allow this because any form of dunking on nazis is good.

Part four

This part is LITERALLY Geralt just? Going on a 4 page rant? He literally does not stop talking once during the whole thing. It's a solid wall of just Geralt talking at this poor girl (Iola, the tiddy girl, who can't talk)

He talks about, in order; religion (*), swords, kaer morhen, parents, the trials, his first monster (**). Witchering, the "code" (***), Blaviken (****), and Ciri (*****).

Throughout this whole this Geralt like, answers questions? That I'm pretty sure he makes up to keep talking? He's like "... Vesemir- oh, who's Vesemir, you ask? Well he's my dad obviously-" Cus Iola is mute and she's never described to like, look questioning or even interested in what Geralt is saying. He does this 9 times.

* Iola has taken a vow of silence for Melitele and Geralt respects her decision. He tells her there is power in faith and that his own lack of faith holds NO POWER, which I thought was really neat (especially for a 20 year old Polish book).

** it's the story he told Renfri in ep one! (saving a girl from being raped (also 13 years old :/ ) He also says he did what be did because he wanted the girl and her father to be grateful, and not because it was the right thing to do. He'd been raised to fight monsters and he'd romanticized the idea in his head that he'd be so cool and appreciated, which I think is really interesting. It also shows his growth as a character from then to now, and the fact that he admits to this is also very neat.

*** Geralt totally just made up this "code" and apparently said it so much that everyone fucking thinks all witchers have a code when it literally is just Geralt. I really wanna know what the other witchers think of this.

****

Geralt needs therapy

***** Geralt berates himself for doing the law of surprise, and says he'll never return to Cintra and will just, avoid it forever I guess. (Yennefer and Ciri are apparently born around the same time in may!)

Part five

Geralt is in the library in the temple, he appears to be failing to read a history book.

Dandelion comes in the door and Nenneke absolutely destroys him.

She leaves and Dandelion and Geralt talk.

The world is changing, and witchers' work is becoming hard to find. Geralt is being negative about it and Dandelion tries to cheer him up a bit, distract him from his woes.

He says Geralt should adapt to the new world, change careers. He says that if the demand for poetry and music dwindled he'd become a gardener.

Dandelion gets pretty deep, and it was more than it expected from Sapkowski if I'm honest.

/... /

After this Dandelion changes the subject to make Geralt feel better.

Part six

Geralt and Nanneke is in a grotto that Nenneke uses as like, a greenhouse for magical plants. There are glowing crystals in the ceiling.

(Nenneke talks a bit about how the sun has changed? And the rays are deadly and kills plants and how it's "too late" to save people from it?)

Nenneke talk about how pissed Yennefer is at Geralt for some reason, and Geralt seems to be avoiding her (Yen) at all costs.

For the striga contract money Geralt has bought some precious gems, and gives some to Nenneke for the temple and wants to give Yennerfer the rest. He wants Nenneke to keep them for him until Yennefer comes to the temple looking for him so that she can give them to her? While he's ran away to somewhere else cus he's a little baby.

Nenneke refuses to help him with it because she's way too cool for that and calls Geralt out on being a big baby.

This is where Yennefer's infertility is mentioned, and Geralt says she can use the gems to (partly) pay for "the treatment".

They talk a bit and we find out that some sorceresses have "atrophied" ovaries and that that is because pursuing magic apparently fucks up your endocrine glands? Which would fuck up significantly more than just your ovaries (also this shouldn't be a thing just for female magicians? Why are all the male magicians totally fine?)

(Nenneke is hinted to be fertile as well as Geralt's mother in picture 1)

Nenneke is still trying to get Geralt to do some telepathy therapy stuff with Iola and he's also a big baby about this, even though he's absolutely TRASHED right now and doing the therapy would heal him up so that he can use his signs and fight again.

(it seems like after a near death, witchers lose their witchering skills? Nenneke says Geralt's reflexes aren't what they're supposed to be, his pupils don't dilate properly, his heartbeat is faster than normal aka 'normal human speed' i guess, they can't do signs. Would Geralt be human if he just let it be?)

Part seven

As Geralt and Dandelion leave the temple, they run into a whole bunch of guys. It's the dudes from part 3, expecting a duel. If Geralt refuses to fight, he'll be hanged, but if he injures Tailles, he'll be punished. They want him to give Tallies the fight to raise the dude's street cred. They explicitly want Tailles to "nick" Geralt's skin.

I thought Geralt was gonna like, prick his finger and yield but what actually happened was funnier and more clever. So kudos to Sapko for this.

They start fighting and Tailles sucks, obviously. The boy puts his sword in front of himself defensively and Geralt just, smacks that thing with his own sword so that Tailles' sword cuts him in the face.

This way, Geralt's sword never touched him and he can't be punished. I thought that was real neat.

(Geralt is totally banned from Ellander now but it was worth it)

Geralt and Dandelion leave, and Will Not Tell Nenneke About This.

The part splits and we see what happened as Geralt and Dandelion were leaving the temple.

Geralt and Iola touch hands and this triggers a vision. It's a vision of death and blood and monstrous paws. Iola collapses and has a seizure.

Nanneke saw it too, and begs Geralt to stay in the temple, but because he's Geralt he obviously decides to ignore the whole thing and leaves.

This is how the book ends

[ukhtiemaryam]

''𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗦𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗬 𝗢𝗙 𝗟𝗔𝗗𝗬 𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗬𝗔 (𝗥.𝗔) 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗪𝗜𝗙𝗘 𝗢𝗙 𝗣𝗛𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗢𝗛''

Asiya, the wife of Pharaoh, was no ordinary woman. Her strength and her status will forever remain unsurpassed.

She was a woman who never allowed herself to be defined or limited by her painful circumstances, but rather carried in her such a deep faith and sense of self that she was willing to die for what she believed in.

It was for this reason that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) mentioned her as one of the greatest women of all time.

One day, Prophet Muhammad said:

“Many men reached perfection but none among the women reached perfection except Mary, the daughter of ‘ `Imran, and Asya, Pharaoh’s wife. And the superiority of `Aisha to other women is like the superiority of Tharid to other kinds of food.” (Al-Bukhari)

Asiya’s story begins in Egypt where she lived with her husband, Pharaoh — known as the greatest tyrant of all time. After being told by a fortune teller that he would be overtaken by a man from the Children of Israel, Pharaoh ordered all male babies to be executed.

The Noble Quran describes the horrific life of the Children of Israel as follows:

{And remember, We delivered you from the people of Pharaoh: They set you hard tasks and punishments, slaughtered your sons and let your women live; therein was a tremendous trial from your Lord.} (2:49)

So when Prophet Moses (peace be upon him) was born, his mother feared for his life. But God assured her that he would be safe, and told her to place him in a basket and put him on the Nile. The Quran tells us:

{And We inspired the mother of Musa, (saying): “Suckle him [Musa], but when you fear for him, then cast him into the river and fear not, nor grieve. Verily! We shall bring him back to you, and shall make him one of (Our) Messengers.”} (28:7)

And just as God had promised, Prophet Moses came safely to shore, where he was found by Asiya, who was able to convince her husband to keep the child. God says in the Quran what means:

{Then the household of Pharaoh picked him up, that he might become for them an enemy and a (cause of) grief. Verily! Pharaoh, Haman and their hosts were sinners. And the wife of Pharaoh said: “A comfort of the eye for me and for you. Kill him not, perhaps he may be of benefit to us, or we may adopt him as a son.” And they perceive not (the result of that).} (28:8-9)

So Moses grew, under the protection of Asiya, in the house of Pharaoh. Moses grew to be a great prophet, who called his people to the worship of the one God. But because of the oppression of Pharaoh, few people believed in him.

Pharaoh proclaimed himself as God, and many of the Children of Israel were terrified to disobey him. God says in the Quran what means:

{Then he collected (his men) and made a proclamation, saying, “I am your Lord, Most High.”} (79: 23-4)

For those who had dared disobey Pharaoh and believe in Moses, was a grave punishment. When the magicians realized the truth of Moses’ message, they immediately believed in the one true God.

To them Pharaoh said:

{Believe ye in Him before I give you permission? Surely this must be your leader, who has taught you magic! Be sure I will cut off your hands and feet on opposite sides, and I will have you crucified on trunks of palm-trees: so shall ye know for certain, which of us can give the more severe and the more lasting punishment!} (20:71)

The Story of Lady Asya, the Wife of PharaohYet despite this persecution, Asiya believed in Moses’ message and held firmly to her faith. That faith was so strong, she was willing to die for it. When Pharaoh found out that she believed, he tortured her severely.

Her belief in God was so strong, it made her an everlasting symbol:

{God sets forth an example for those who believe — the wife of Pharaoh who said: “My Lord, build for me with Thee a house in heaven, and save me from the Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from an unjust people.”} (66:11)

Asiya was a queen. She was the wife of one of the most powerful men to walk the earth. She lived a life of unparalleled wealth and luxury. And yet, she knew that her true home was in Paradise.

She had no attachment to this life. Asiya was not defined by the wickedness of the man she married. Her mind and her soul remained independent from her husband. And her heart was not a slave to his beliefs. She refused to submit to the tyranny of her husband, but chose instead to devout her soul and her life to God.

And in the story of Asiya is an everlasting example of a woman who chose the Hereafter over all of the glitter of this world, and whose love for God and the Home with Him inspired her to take on the greatest tyrant of all time and give her life in the process.

[charnamefic]

Once again, there’s a transcript below the cut.

Halfway down the hill the bundle began to cry: the air-raid siren wail of the newly born. High. Wordless. And old.

 --------------------

 There was something deeply unfair about being an Earthbound demon, Crawleigh reflected, as he started the 2CV and clunked it down the waterlogged country road. From what he could see, most people, ordinary human people, seemed to do far better than he did when it came to adding to the sum total of human misery.

 He gripped the wheel miserably. Where He’d gone wrong, of course well, of course, He went wrong all the time, it was His job. Where He’d gone particularly wrong was in making Crawleigh human. It subjected you to all kinds of little pressures, no wonder most of them were several coupons short of a toaster, you ended up feeling sorry for them, the poor bastards.

 It wasn’t that he didn’t want to ruin the lives and souls of strangers; it was just that after he’d given them nice cups of tea and homemade cakes, and listened to their problems and helped them balance their cheque books, and got their kittens down from trees, there simply wasn’t the time.

 The road to heaven, he would reflect gloomily, is paved with bad intentions, and resolve to break his ways. Starting, well, tomorrow. Probably.

 He stuck out his chin. Enough of that. No more messing

 about. From now on he was going to be bad. Worse than Michael Jackson. The thought turned his mind to something better in the way of in-car entertainment than the sloshing of the windscreen wipers. The radio would do nothing except crackle in Danish, so he fumbled for a cassette and pushed it into the slot.

 It was The Best of Queen. It always was. Crawleigh suspected that any tape left in a car for more than a fortnight metamorphosed into a Best of Queen album.

 He nearly stopped for a hitchhiker; but at the last moment he remembered the child asleep on the back seat, and sped past the woman hitching by the side of the road, drenching her. Pride and embarrassment struggled within him. Pride won. One of the windscreen wipers was swept away by the rain.

 The tape was bleating about someone who kept Moet and Chandon in a pretty cabinet. Crawleigh, in that dreamlike state that afflicts all car drivers in the pouring rain at night, found himself wondering who Moet and Chandon were.

 And then he wasn’t. Suddenly Freddy Mercury’s voice was talking to Crawleigh.

 WE ARE RELYING ON YOU, it said. DO NOT FAIL US, CRAWLEIGH.

 “No, Lord.”

 NO...WHAT DID WE DO TO YOU AFTER THE ATLANTIS DEBACLE? REMIND US.

 “Half an aeon, O Master of the Nine Hells, partially dismembered, suspended in the flaming cesspits of Abbadon. There were internal stoats in there somewhere as well. And after that l was Earthbound until further notice.”

 YESSSSS. WE TELL YOU THIS, CRAWLEIGH: LISTEN WELL: IF ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL GOES WRONG WITH THIS VENTURE YOU WON’T FIND US ANYWHERE NEARLY SO LENIENT. GOT THAT?

 Crawleigh shook in his seat. He nodded violently.

 GOOD. I see a little silhouetto of a man scaramouche scaramouche will you do the fandango...

 A hole in the sunroof chose this moment to make its presence felt. The rain dripped onto Crawleigh’s head. He didn’t care. All he had to do tonight was to swap over two babies. What could be simpler than that?

 --------------------

 The maternity hospital was fairly quiet, if you didn’t count the screams of women in labour.

 Mr Brown knew what his role in the actual physical action of having babies ought to be. He should be pacing the corridors, puffing nervously on his pipe, making small talk with the other fathers. Then a matronly nurse with a twinkling eye would pop her head around the door and say Mister Brown? It’s a boy or a girl, or twins, or something

 and he would hand around the cigars he had bought for the occasion, congratulate Deirdre, and go off and get stinking drunk. He‘d done it twice before, and you soon got the hang of it. It was like shelling peas.

 The No Smoking sign was the first hurdle. Deirdre was the second. Mister Brown blamed Woman’s Hour.

 He felt strongly that it wasn’t his place to sit next to Deirdre and exhort her to breathe. She knew how to breathe. He was pretty sure about that. He had done his bit nine months earlier when a power cut had sent them to bed earlier than planned, and he didn’t see why he needed to go to classes on ‘Constructive coparenting’ at his time of life. And he didn’t see why he had to tell Deirdre to do something she’d been doing for years. And what was he meant to do with the cigars?

 It wasn’t like this in the old days.

 In the old days Deirdre had done little more than bustle around the house arranging flowers, with occasional spurts of shopping thrown in to liven up the day before the Women’s Institute meeting. Then one morning he had come down to breakfast to discover Deirdre in a smock that would have not looked out of place on a Nativity play shepherd, if the actor playing the shepherd was five foot eight and was the kind of Shepherd who had a NUCLEAR POWER NO THANKS badge pinned to the right hand side of his bosom. And there was muesli. Not kippers. Not sausages. Bacon was right out. Bacon was practically the Eighth Deadly Sin. From that day

 forward it had been muesli all the way. And Mrs Brown’s confinement had been mystically transformed into the most joyous and sharing experience that two people can have.

 Well, he hadn’t got anything against joyous sharing experiences. Here’s to joyous sharing experiences. Joyous sharing experiences were all right by him. It just that, as far as he was concerned, Deirdre could have this joyous sharing experience by herself. He’d sidled out of the labour room, and was now huddled by a service entrance puffing at his pipe. He was sheltered from the rain, but not from the cold or the wind.

 He shivered. It happened to them at a certain age. Your father never warned you about it. Suddenly they started ordering their own newspaper, the sort with pages with names like Lifestyle and Options. They started to join things, and did these robotic exercises in pink socks with the feet cut out. They started to blame you for not having had to work for a living for twenty-five years. It was hormones, or something.

 A Citroen 2CV drew up by the dustbins. The young man who got out was wearing a raincoat and carrying a large bundle. He ran across the car park getting wetter with each step. When he reached the service entrance Mr Brown said, “You’ve left your lights on.”

 “Damn. It’s supposed to have this thing that bleeps. Here, hold this.” He thrust the bundle into Mr Brown’s arms and dashed back across the car park to wrestle with the car's

 door and lighting system. Mr Brown was surprised to find that the bundle seemed to be a small carrycot, with a cover over it.

 From the weight there was a baby in the carrycot. Strange, thought Mr Brown, most people take babies away from Maternity Hospitals...

 “Thanks,” said the young man in the raincoat, who was by now soaked through. He took back the bundle and winked. “Is it happening yet?” he asked.

 Deep in the leather armchair of his soul Mr Brown felt vaguely proud to be so instantly recognisable as a parent.

 “Yes,” he admitted, “She’s in labour, if that’s what you mean.

 “Already? Any idea how long we’ve got to go?”

 We? Obviously a Doctor With ideas about coparenting. “Not long now,” said Mister Brown, “She was, uh, doing it when I had to pop out...” He gestured vaguely with his pipe to indicate pressing calls of nature.

 “Shaitan! Now? Why didn’t you say so?” Crawleigh shouldered his burden of waterproofed carrycot and headed for the green swing door. “Oh blast I’ve forgotten. What room’s she in?”

 “Room Three,” said Mr Brown “It’s at the top of the stairs.” He fumbled in his pocket for the packet. “Would you like to share a cigar experience?” he called, but Crawleigh was already running through the doors. Mr Brown sighed,

 and put the cigars away. Then he returned to his pipe.

 It had gone out.

 --------------------

 If you have ever watched a slick stage magician perform a three-card trick, or been hustled by a respectable gentleman with a pea and three shells, you will know the ease and dizzying slickness with which three similar objects can be swapped, exchanged and transferred from place to place, so that you lose any knowledge of which was where to start with.

 This was nothing like that, although the principle is sort of the same.

 Watch carefully. We will stop the action:

 Mrs Brown is giving birth in Maternity Room Three. She is having a dark-haired male baby we will call baby A.

 The wife of the American Ambassador, Mrs Harriet Dowling, is giving birth in Maternity Room Four. She is having a dark-haired male baby we will call baby B.

 Nurse Hodges is a devout Satanist. As a child she went to Sabbat School regular as prunes, and although she won several black stars for things like handwriting and liver she was never particularly bright. She is being handed a dark-haired male baby we will call The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is

 called Dragon, Prince of this World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of Darkness.

 There. Got it? Ok, roll ‘em:

 “Is that him?” said Nurse Hodges, staring at the baby. “Only I’d expected maybe funny eyes. Or teensyweensy little hoofikins. Or a widdle tail.” She turned him round as she spoke. No horns either. The devil’s child looked ominously normal.

 “Yes, it’s him,” sighed Crawleigh.

 “Well, I knew it must be, what with you saying he was and all. Coo. Fancy. Me holding the Antichrist. Me bathing the Antichrist. Wiping his little botty and tickling his little toesywoeses...”

 She appeared quite carried away, and was now addressing the child. Crawleigh waved a hand in front of her face. “Hello? Nurse Hodges?”

 “Sorry, sir. He is a little sweetheart. Do you think he looks like his dad? I bet he does. I bet he looks like his daddywaddykins...”

 Crawleigh sighed. “She’s in maternity room three, and she may already have had the baby. Be on standby I want the exchange made as soon as is possible. Got it?”

 “OOO’s a widdledumpydumpywumpyden? OOOOOOOOOO’s a widdlerumpypumpydumpyden? Room three is it, sir? Righty-ho.”

[chiseler]

Little Devils: 50 Years of Killer Kid Movies

Face it, children are just plain creepy—especially the really cute ones.

Historically—and I’m talking about going back thousands of years—we’ve always been scared to death of the children we’ve spawned. Before they’re born we worry they might be physically deformed or just a little off in the head somehow. And after they’re born and as they start to grow and think and talk, hoo boy, that’s when things really start getting scary, as you start to glean a little something about what’s going on behind those cold, staring eyes. I’m not a parent myself, but having been a kid once I fully understand the panic and fear that can grip parents as they come to better understand their kids. What if they’re no good at sports? What if they start hanging out with a bad crowd and using drugs? What if they get bullied by the other kids and take revenge by shooting up the school? Worse still, what if they decide to bludgeon us to death with a crowbar in our sleep one night? What if they turn out to be the bona fide offspring of Satan himself? What the hell do we do then? Sure, we all pretend to be shocked and dismayed when we hear news stories about some eight-year-old in Kansas or Oregon stabbing the little neighbor girl twenty times for no apparent reason, but let’s be honest—we all know what these pint-sized miscreants are capable of doing, and have simply come to expect it.

As with a few of those other fundamental adult fears, like asteroids, nuclear war, clowns and deadly plagues, over the years our fear of children has led to its own unheralded cinematic subgenre of Killer Kid movies.

While countless slasher films from Halloween onwards feature tykes with butcher knives who grow up to become adults with butcher knives, I’m focusing here on those films in which the snot-nosed killers remain snot-nosed throughout. While I could have included those rambunctious hobo youths from William Wellman’s Wild Boys of the Road (1933), those little back-to-nature wastrels from Lord of the Flies (1963) and the matricidal zombie girl with the trowel from George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968), I, um, didn’t. So sue me.

Here’s a quick chronological list of a double handful of notable features about murderous children. It’s interesting to note that as the years pass, the films themselves seem to grow less clever, endearing, original and interesting. Just like kids!

The Bad Seed (1956)

I’ve long been a big fan of that Mervyn LeRoy. As a director, he always understood the darker side of human nature, and had a sly sense of humor about it. In 1931 he directed my two favorite (and two of the bleakest) Edward G. Robinson pictures, Five-Star Final and Two Seconds. Then eight years later he directed The Wizard of Oz. I always like to think (though I’m undoubtedly wrong about this) he intended his 1956 creeper The Bad Seed as a kind of bonk on the head to those audience members who hadn’t recognized the darkness that lay at the heart of The Wizard of Oz.

Okay, Nancy Kelly plays Christine, the nightmare-plagued mother of the world’s most perfect little girl. Not only is blonde, pigtailed and always immaculately dressed Rhoda (Patty McCormack) perfect, the ten-year old knows she’s perfect. As a perfect child, she also knows what she deserves out of life and those around her, and lord help anyone who doesn’t cough it up. As time goes on, Christine  begins to suspect Rhoda may somehow be responsible for the tragic drowning of a classmate who’d recently won an award Rhoda felt she rightly deserved. And if she was responsible for that, maybe she was responsible for all those other weird deaths that have been happening all over town, too. And what the hell’s the deal with that recurring nightmare, anyway?

Although based on a stage play that was itself based on a novel, it was LeRoy’s film that would become the standard reference point and template for so many of the Killer Kid movies down the line, though few would come close to matching it.

Village of the Damned 1960

John Wyndham was a reasonably popular pulp writer in the 1930s. While his crime stories gained him the most attention at the time, these days he’s best remembered for his occasional forays into sci-fi and horror. Day of the Triffids, his end-of-the-world masterpiece about killer plants (a personal phobia) was a major hit when adapted for the big screen, but his cautionary evil kid tale Village of the Damned had a much longer reach after director Wolf Rilla got ahold of it.

Yes, we all know the story: one day everyone living in a small English village falls asleep at the same time for some unknown reason. When they awaken several hours later, all the women of child-bearing age (even the virgins!) find they’re pregnant. Weirder still, they all go into labor at exactly the same time.

Ten years later, all the kids born that day have turned out to be extremely intelligent, blond, beautiful, and emotionless. Snappy dressers though they may be, they’re also arrogant little snots who have no time for adults or other kids, and only hang out with one another all the time. They also seem to share a psychic connection, and there are hints they have some larger purpose in mind. Anyone who tries to interfere with them gets the creepy glowing eyes treatment shortly before unexpectedly committing suicide. George Sanders at the top of his game plays a rational sort who tries to get to the Bottom of what all the hell,

It remains a starkly eerie and atmospheric picture that to this day can still make you want to punch blond British pre-teens right in the face.

The film went on to spawn one lesser sequel (1964’s Children of the Damned), one superior sort-of sequel (Joseph Losey’s 1962 These Are the Damned), a 1995 remake directed by Jon Carpenter, and a Simpsons parody. My favorite bit of cultural impact, however, is that some of your more out-there paranoids have worked Village of the Damned into the Montauk Project conspiracy, claiming beautiful, blond alien/human hybrids were created in the secret government labs in the caves beneath Montauk, Long Island. These Montauk Children, as they’re called, were set out into the world as sleeper agents (though most settled in Denver for some reason), and to this day are awaiting their secret orders from above.

The Twilight Zone: “It’s a Good Life” (1961)

It was included as one of the segments in Twilight Zone: The Movie, but good as that was, there’s just no topping the original. And there’s no topping the original because back in the early Sixties Billy Mumy was the creepiest kid on the planet. Rod Serling clearly recognized this, which is why he kept casting him.

Little Anthony Freemont (Mumy) lives in a pleasant small town where everyone knows him and everyone’s really nice to him. I mean really, really, REALLY nice to him,. And they’re really nice because over time they’ve come to realize that even if he doesn’t opt to simply blink them out of existence if they don’t do what he says, he has the power to make incredibly awful things happen to them. Even thinking bad things about Anthony isn’t such a hot idea. Things aren’t any better in the Freemont household, where his terrified parents (John Larch and Cloris Leachman) have to walk on eggshells out of fear he might do something else to his siblings, or them. )“It’s a…very GOOD thing that you did that…”)

It remains one of the most delightfully wicked and true portraits of just how terrified adults are of kids, and just how sinister kids can be.

Interestingly, Mumy apparently also had this power in real life, later going on to have a big hit with the novelty song, “Fish Heads.”

The Other (1972)

Kids alone are creepy enough, but you get twins to boot, you know you’re in for some bad news. And you get twin boys in a rural town in the 1930s? Holy mackerel, you might as well just pack it in right there and go home. Nothing good is going to come of it.

I don’t know how many times I watched Robert Mulligan’s film (based on the Thomas Tryon novel) on TV in the early Seventies, but it was a lot. Enough that to this day I still remember every shot and every line of dialog., but it still gets under my skin as one of the most effective of the lot.

Real twins Martin and Chris Udvarnoky play Holland and Niles Perry. As with most twins, one is mostly nice and sweet and innocent, while the other, Holland in this case, is the dominant, wickedly mischievous one.. Also like most twins, Niles and Holland share a weird psychic link. But in their case, and under the guidance of their Russian grandmother Eda (Uta Hagen), they can use a special ring to take things one step further. They call it The Game. As in Being John Malkovich, they can actually enter the consciousness of anyone they choose, from a magician in a traveling carnival, to a passing crow, to a corpse.

It’s a Northern Gothic tale complete with dark family secrets, farm accidents, dead babies, emotionally shattered mothers and real freaks. And an evil twin. It unfolds very slowly and quietly, and even though we get the Big Revelation at the halfway point, it doesn’t matter because the story rolls on with a few more twists and surprises left. It’s not shocking or terribly bloody, but extremely unnerving. Featuring an early turn by John Ritter and a Jerry Goldsmith score.

Don’t Look Now (1973)

Nicholas Roeg’s brilliantly shattered, hallucinatory narrative with the shock ending might be a loose fit here, but it had such an influence on other sort of Killer Kid movies (like David Cronenberg’s The Brood) it deserves mention.

The great Donald Sutherland was rarely better than he was here as John, an architect whose young daughter recently drowned near the family  home in England. He takes a job in Venice, thinking a few months away from home might be just the thing to help him and his wife cope. Shortly after they arrive, however, they encounter a blind psychic in a restaurant who tells them their daughter’s spirit is around, and seems happy. Being the slide Rule sort, John is less willing than his wife to accept this at face value. At least until he starts having recurring visions of what seems to be his daughter all over Venice. Dresses like her, anyway. He becomes a little obsessed with that little girl in the red cloak who may or may not be his daughter. Who cares if she might have something to do with that whole nasty string of brutal stabbings around the city?

The less said about it at this point, the better (and easier, to be honest). Almost 45 years on now, it still works, that ending still gets me, and there’s nothing else like it.    

It’s Alive! (1974)

People might cite Rosemary’s Baby as the be-all and end-all of films about pre-natal anxiety, but think about it. Sure, she gave birth to the Antichrist, but she has a good support network right there in the building, and if she treats him right, she’s set for life. No, for my money Larry Cohen’s breakthrough monstrous infant hint trumps them all, beginning with one of the most unsettling ad campaigns of the Seventies.

Funny thing is, though it’s remembered as a film about a baby with fangs and claws who slaughters all the doctors in the delivery room before escaping to go on a killing spree around town, if you go look at it again now you realize that’s only a minor subplot. It’s also a conspiracy film about government scientists using unwitting citizens as guinea pigs. Above all else, though, it’s an indictment of the mass media, which has the power to destroy the lives and reputations of innocent people on a whim, in this case the Davis family. And damn but that John P. Ryan is great as the horrified and disbelieving father who finds himself and his wife being publicly blamed (as is So often the case) for giving birth to a kid who isn’t quite right.

Much smarter and more subtle than most would give it credit for, It’s Alive ! Is loaded with Frankenstein references, and went on to spawn two equally good (and very different) sequels. To this day I will not put my face or fingers anywhere near a baby’s mouth.

Devil Times Five (1974)

The early to mid Seventies were mighty good years for Leif Garret. Not only was his picture plastered all over every teeny-bopper magazine in the country month after month, he was also scoring supporting roles in huge drive-in hits like Macon County Line and Walking Tall. Let’s just say considering his squeaky-clean image, Devil Times Five (aka Peopletoys) was a departure.

Garret plays one of five kids traveling on a bus which crashes in the mountains during a snowstorm. With the driver dead and not knowing what else to do, the five youngsters take refuge in a nearby resort.

It eventually comes out the bus was actually delivering the kids to an institution for the criminally insane, as they’re all kookoo bananas and extremely violent. There were hints of this beforehand, as per the standard asylum movie cliche, each nutty kid has a telltale tic—this one thinks she’s a nun, the black kid thinks he’s in the military. etc. But it’s all just mild comic relief until they pick up the knives.

Well, before you can say “Mr. Green Jeans,” they begin slaughtering everyone at the resort in a variety of hilarious ways, and occasionally in slow motion.

Unlike other Killer Kid movies which try to explain away antisocial behavior by blaming it on assorted external forces (government scientists, radiation, aliens, Satan, or an eclipse), these kids are just plain old evil by nature, and that’s all there is to it.

It wasn’t a big hit, it didn’t do much to propel Garret into leading roles, but today it’s earned itself solid cult status as a pre-slasher grind house number. And what’s not to love about the ol’ “piranhas in the bathtub” gag?

The Omen (1976)

In the Seventies and Eighties, a number of once-huge stars—Ray Milland, Richard Widmark, Henry Fonda, Rory Calhoun, Ida Lupino, George C. Scott and, in this case Gregory Peck—found themselves making genre pictures simply because that was all that was available to them. Granted, The Omen was a few cuts above The Devil’s Rain and Tentacles, but still.

Okay, regardless what the producers and screenwriter David Seltzer may claim about the franchise’s origins, the original trilogy of Omen films was lifted wholesale from “The Devil’s Platform” episode of Kolchak: The Night Stalker.

Be that as it may, when you get a cast like this, a smart director like Richard Donner, a simply astonishing score by Jerry Goldsmith, some diabolical camera trickery and editing, wonderful practical effects (Lee Remick’s fall from the balcony kept me going for years), and a story about a smiling, (mostly cheerful 3-year-old Son of Satan wandering around England leaving a trail of beheadings, impaled priests, seriously pissed off baboons and hanged nannies  in his wake, how can you go wrong? Even if the script itself is absurdly silly.

In an interesting postscript, like so many other child actors deeply associated with high-profile horror films of the era—think Danny Lloyd from The Shining—Harvey Stephens (who as Damien spoke, what, five words onscreen?) would not appear in another film for the next four decades. And even then he hasn’t been in much, though he did have a cameo as a reporter in the remake of, yes, The Omen a few years back.

Alice Sweet Alice (1976)

I dare you to show me one worthwhile horror film about Presbyterians. No, as far as religious sects go, Catholics have it all over everyone when it comes to horror. You got your robes, your chanting, your weird rituals, your transmutation, your Inquisition, your fetishism, your magic relics, your ghostly visions, oh, it just goes on and on. The Catholic Church is just one big horror show, top to bottom. As a result, Catholicism lay at the heart of countless horror films, and Alice, Sweet Alice is among the best.

The tagline read, “If you survive this night, nothing will ever scare you again,” which may or may not have been a reference to the fact this was Brooke Shields’ film debut. Shields plays 10-year—old Karen, the cute, quiet, polite and well-dressed younger sister of that moody, smart-mouthed and generally ornery Alice (Paula Sheppard), who likes to pull nasty pranks and doesn’t dress nearly as well as her sister. Everyone from  the neighbors to their own parents to the local priest adores Karen and showers her with gifts, while they just wish Alice would go away. She clearly needs to see a shrink or something. So when Karen is brutally stabbed to death outside the church on the morning of her first communion and Alice is found with Karen’s veil in her pocket, well, there you go. And then when a whole bunch of other people around town somehow connected with Alice end up all stabbed to death as well, well, there you go again. I mean, she just looks like someone who could do something like that, right?

Alice, Sweet Alice is an American Giallo, so the less said about the story the better. For having such a tiny budget, the visuals are rich and gorgeous, filled with Catholic imagery and ritual throughout, featuring a cast of wholly unlikable characters you honestly don’t mind seeing stabbed to death (especially that Little Miss Perfect Karen). The one standout is Alphonso DeNoble as the crass, sleazy, filthy and morbidly obese landlord Mr. Alphonso. DeNoble has a terrifying charisma, which may have come from being a bouncer at a gay nightclub in Jersey in real life.

Yes, the film owes quite a bit, and blatantly so, to Roeg’s Don’t Look Now, but aimed at a more lowbrow mainstream audience. It’s a bloody, nasty little shocker still held dear by thousands of disaffected girls who survived Catholic school.

The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (1976)

1976 was not only a busy year for Killer Kid films, it was also  the busiest year of Jodie Foster’s career, during which she appeared in half a dozen films ranging from Taxi Driver to, well, this, a film she and other cast and crew members would bad mouth down the line. In retrospect, it’s not really as bad as all that.

A 13-year-old Foster plays 13-year-old Rynn Jacobs, a precocious girl who may or may not be living alone in a rented house in a secluded section of a small, affluent seaside town. Her rich, nosy and suspicious landlady keeps barging in uninvited to ask too many questions, the landlady’s perv of a son (Martin Sheen) keeps putting the moves on her, a local cop is endlessly curious but nice enough, and a gimpy teenage magician from the area knows the score. But Rynn is self-sufficient and smart beyond her years. Enough so anyway to dispatch with all those nosy yokels who’d try and pry into her business.

It’s less a horror film than an atmospheric mystery that ties up all the loose ends by the three-quarters mark. Based on a 1974 novel, the claustrophobic stagebound film is mostly forgotten today, but back in ’76 the poster creeped the hell out of me. Certainly more than the film did.

The Children (1980)

Although “creepy bloodthirsty children” seems to be a simple, straightforward notion just bursting with possible storylines, 1980 marked the point at which screenwriters and filmmakers everywhere seemed to run out of ideas, so simply began rehashing those earlier, better films. Case in point is this slight variation on Village of the Damned.

This time around, instead of mysterious alien impregnation, a school bus full of perfectly normal kids drives through a cloud of yellow radioactive fog released from a nearby nuclear power plant. The radiation, it seems, turns all the tykes into shambling, emotionless and murderous zombies. Instead of glowing eyes, the infected kids have black fingernails (which was easier on the fx budget), and instead of psychically driving adults to kill themselves, the mere touch of these evil zombie children can fry any adult to a crisp. With little else to do, the radioactive zombie kids lay siege to their small town as the adults try to figure out just how to handle this. I mean, it was already hard enough trying to get them to go to bed on time.

Oh, derivative as it is, the film does have it’s moments. In fact it includes one scene I must admit I’ve never seen repeated in any other Killer Kid film, in which a group of well-armed adults barricaded inside a house open fire on the army of evil radioactive curtain climbers massing in the front yard. And when the adults finally do figure out how to dispatch the little monsters, well, let’s just say it was unexpectedly gruesome.

The Godsend (1980)

Given the year had already provided a Village of the Damned knockoff, it was apparently time for a Bad Seed knockoff, and an obvious one at that.

A pleasant and kindly British couple, the Marlowes (Malcolm Stoddard and Cyd Hayman) decide to take in a young unmarried pregnant woman even though they already have six kids of their own, telling her she can stay with them until she has the baby.  What nice people those Marlowes are! But wouldn’t you know it? As soon as the ungrateful wench spits out the baby she vanishes without a word, leaving them with a seventh mouth to feed.

Being pleasant people they don’t complain too much, and over time the child grows into a polite and lovely little girl named Bonnie (Wilhelmina Green).

Well, sure enough before you know it all the other Marlowe kids start dropping like flies, and the parents take their own sweet time connecting the dots. I mean, come now people! We all know what happens to the youngest kid in a large family.

Itself based on a less-than-original novel, director Gabrielle Beaumont’s low-budget film plays like a TV movie, and lacks pretty much everything that made The Bad Seed so effective.

Bloody Birthday (1981)

On June 9th, 1970, three women in a small California town give birth during a total solar eclipse (uh-oh!). The resulting three kids—Debbie (Elizabeth Hoy), Curtis (Billy Jacoby) and Steven (Andy Freeman)—understandably share a tight bond, and as their tenth birthday approaches in 1980, plans are underway for a big bash pretty much everyone in town is expected to attend.

In the week before the party, maybe just to trim that guest list down a bit, the trio of little scamps undertakes a killing spree. They bludgeon and strangle a couple of stereotypical slasher film teens making out in a graveyard, beat Debbie’s dad (the local sheriff) to death with a baseball bat, shoot a teacher, and attempt to lock a classmate in a refrigerator in a junkyard. No one suspects them, of course, because they’re freaking nine years old. Nowadays we know better. While you’d expect the big party to be the film’s climactic scene, it just comes and goes without much happening, and those darn kids keep killing.

Around the halfway point, a teenaged amateur astrologer offers up the closest thing we get to an explanation for such naughty behavior. During that eclipse, see, both the sun and moon were blocking Saturn. Since Saturn controls the emotions, these kids were born with no conscience. Okay, so you come to accept a lot on faith in these things. Ultimately, though there are hits of both Village of the Damned and Bad Seed here, the picture owes much more to Devil Times Five.

Director Ed Hunt had made a handful of genre cheapies prior to this, but today Bloody Birthday remains his most memorable film. The dialogue is often painful, the soundtrack is comprised of library music from TV movies, and it’s not nearly as gory as would become standard for slasher films, but his three little killers all exude a believable David Berkowitz vibe, and the film contains enough boobs to earn an R rating. In an irrelevant sidenote, it remains one of the very few entries here in which the kids use guns, and, I think, the only one in which they use a bow and arrow.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Writer/director Robert Hiltzik’s weirdie is a delightfully oddball number not only within the Killer Kid subgenre, but also among slasher films, which is doubly surprising considering when it was released.

Although the film at the outset has all the standard earmarks of a cookie-cutter post-friday the 13th slasher film (a bunch of youngsters at summer camp, and endless supply of sharp implements, a fast-rising body count), careful viewers will note a few unsettling details. First, apart from the counselors, most of the campers (and victims) are pre-adolescent, and all the males, young and old alike, wear shorts that are just a little too short and a little too snug. Hmm.

Anyway, Angela (Felissa Rose), has been sent to summer camp against her will with her older brother. She’s pretty and nice and shy, but has clearly been damaged in some way. She adamantly refuses to go swimming or play games ore shower wit the other kids, despite repeated (and usually understanding) pleas  from the counselors. She prefers to be alone, and isn’t much interested in making new friends. I know the feeling. I was sent to summer camp once, and after a lummox named Trent got to go home because he got a fish hook in the eye, I considered bribing those kids with the fishing poles to do the same to me.

Anyway, if you haven’t seen it, the less said the better. Let’s just say it fits the category, but with a notorious twist, and remains near the top of the lists of many slasher film fanatics I know. I do wonder, though, given the age we’re living in, how this one would go over today. It also leaves me wondering what the deal is with that Robert Hiltzik.

Children of the Corn (1984)

Yes, it’s a stinker, but remains a memorable touchstone within the then exploding subgenre of Stephen King stinkers. I always find it funny that King continues to bitch about Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining, but never has a word to say about this, or The Mangler, or Silver Bullet, or Maximum Overdrive or…

But that’s beside the point. Given the subject at hand, both the original short story and Fritz Kiersch’s film adaptation are interesting in that they represent a genre-blending crossover between Killer Kid movies and Religious Zealot horror.

AS much as there is to chuckle at here—my goodness what an awful bit of filmmaking, from the script to the performances to the camera set-ups and fx—dammit I keep going back to it. I do enjoy that flashback in the diner, as well as the fact the initial slaughter of the adults is never clearly explained. Not really, anyway. And I do dig the amateurish overacting on the part of John Franklin as the crazy young preacher Isaac and Courtney Gains as his True Believer henchman Malachai. And I’ll watch that R.G. Armstrong in anything. Mostly, though, I think I keep going back time and again just to hear the line “He wants you, too…Malachai!,” which has been a catchphrase of mine for years now.

Firestarter (1984)

Amid the mid-‘80s flood of Stephen King quickies, at least director Mark L. Lester had a few more chops than most. He also had a much larger budget, which allowed him to sign a cast that included George C. Scott, Art Carney, Louise Fletcher, Martin Sheen and Heather Locklear (!).

So a young couple who met in college while volunteering as research guinea pigs in a secret government drug test later get married and have a daughter. As these things happen (see Blue Sunshine or Jacob’s Ladder), those secret government drug tests have a way of hanging around awhile, with some mighty unexpected side effects. In this case, their new daughter Charlie (Drew Barrymore, who was in a few King adaptations) was born with pyrokinetic powers, meaning she can set anyone or anything she doesn’t like ablaze, the lucky brat.

Well, a few years later when the secret government agency that ran the secret government drug test catches wind of what little Charlie can do, they decide they’d like to have a little chat with her, and maybe her dad too (the briefly popular David Keith), who himself might have psychic powers. Or maybe they’d like to have something more than a chat.

Less a horror movie than conspiracy thriller and chase picture, Firestarter remains an oddity here, as it’s one of the few Killer Kid films in which we’re asked to root for the Killer Kid, actually hoping the wee pyro in question, even though she’s cute and blond, will set a few of those icky, mean adults on fire.

It’s hardly on a par with The Shining, Carrie, or The Dead Zone, but at least it’s better than Night Shift, Sometimes They Come Back, Children of the Corn IV, Cat’s Eye, Maximum Overdrive…

The Omen IV: The Awakening (1991)

As would become standard for plenty of other franchises that had seemingly run their course, some bright TV executives thought there was still some money to be made with that whole Omen thing. A decade after the last and supposedly final entry came out, why not give it the TV movie treatment? And while we’re at it, why not give it a fresh twist by doing a little gender switcheroo, right? So this time around, why not make Damien a girl? That’d throw viewers for a loop, wouldn’t it?

(An Omen IV novel had actually been released shortly after The Final Conflict came out, but it had nothing to do with this.)

The events of the previous three films have long been forgotten by the time we get underway here, I mean, don’t we see the Second Coming of Christ at the end of Final Conflict? Okay, so I guess Jesus had gone on vacation or something by the time two young smug and wealthy lawyers (Michael Woods and Faye Grant) adopt a new daughter without asking too many questions.

Their daughter Delia (Asia Vieira) grows into a pretty, dark-haired young girl who is extremely unpleasant. Oooon, but she’s a bratty little smartass who could use a spanking.  I always thought the Antichrist was supposed to be charming and charismatic, but I’ll let it slide. In any case her New Age hippie nanny starts to suspect something far more sinister than smug parents might be at the heart of Delia’s bad attitude. When all her magic crystals turn black in the little girl’s presence, she starts making frantic calls to her other New Agey friends.

I’m going to stop there. Hilariously awful film, save for one scene, And that one scene alone is reason enough to forgive the film’s countless other unforgivable flaws.  

The nanny drags Delia to a New Age fair in a park in hopes of getting a snapshot of her aura, and let’s just say things don’t go well for much of anyone. In simple slapstick terms, it’s on a par with Final Conflict’s montage of baby murders.  

The Good Son (1993)

As he transitioned from the “dorky, buggy-eyed but still weirdly cute” kid in the Home Alone pictures into a “dorky, buggy-eyed and much less cute” adolescent, Macaulay Culkin decided to prove his range as an actor by playing against type in still another take on The Bad Seed.

Instead of telling the story through the mother’s eyes, in Joseph Ruben’s film we see things through the eyes of a nice, wholesome kid named Mark (a young Elijah Wood). After his mother dies, he’s sent to live with an aunt and uncle and two cousins. Not yet knowing he should avoid anyone named “Henry,” Mark and his cousin Henry (Culkin) become good friends. But after Henry is clearly delighted when one of his silly boyhood pranks triggers a deadly multi-car pileup, and after he shows off his homemade gun to Mark, and furthermore hints he once tried to kill his own brother, Mark starts to get the idea Henry might well be a psychopath with bigger diabolical schemes in mind.

Ruben’s picture is a slight cut above the likes of, say, The Godsend thanks to that change in perspective. Although Culkin makes for a believable psycho kid, it didn’t really do much to revamp his career and set him on that road to an Oscar. Thinking about it, though, Henry’s use of improvised and homemade weaponry wasn’t that big a step away from his Home Alone character, but with more fatalities and fewer cartoon sound effects..

Home Movie (2008)

The found footage/hand held video/POV horror film was pretty well dead and buried as a style by 2008, but that sure didn’t stop anyone. It was a cheap way to make a movie, after all. In this case, though, the story would have worked much better as a straight narrative, as the POV gimmick just gets in the way, leaving viewers (or maybe just me) repeatedly asking, “Why would anyone be filming this?”

Why, for instance, would an alcoholic Lutheran minister (Adrian Pasdar) choose to film an intimate argument with his psychiatrist wife (Cady McClain)? And why would a psychiatrist use the family video camera to record private patient notes, leaving them mixed in there with the Christmas and Easter home movies? Maybe writer/director Christopher Denham was trying to make a point about people so obsessed with living through screens that they can easily ignore the obvious and increasing threat posed by their clearly disturbed twin children, who mostly just lurk in the background as the parents focus on themselves. I doubt it though.

The creepy ten-year-olds Jack (Austin Williams) and Emily (Amber Joy Williams) were born on Halloween. While their parents try to desperately prove just how fun and cool and hip they are by setting up haunted houses in the basement and teaching their kids how to pick locks, Jack and Emily spend the first half of the film staring sullenly at the floor. Soon enough though, they begin killing goldfish, crushing toads in vices, crucifying the family cat, and attacking schoolmates, working their way up the evolutionary chain toward You Know Who.

Oh, I’m not giving a goddamn thing away here—the goddamn tagline gave it away! And even without the tagline if you couldn’t see exactly where this was headed with the first scene, maybe you need a nap or something.

To it’s credit, like Devil Times Five, Home Movie offers no explanation for why the kids are funny in the head. If you wanted to push it you could make something out of that Halloween birthday or the fact the family name is “Poe.” Myself, I just tend to accept that any kid unlucky enough to have a preacher or a shrink as a parent is fucked from the start.

Case 39 (2009)

Renee Zelwegger stars as a young sincere and overworked case worker at Children and Family Services. After the seemingly unbalanced parents of a shy, sweet and neglected girl on her case list try to cram the pre-adolescent into the oven (repeatedly!) one night, the parents are institutionalized and the social worker adopts the girl.

Okay, same as with Home Movie, if you can’t see where this one was headed ten minutes in, theres something wrong with you. Funny twist is, while I initially took it to be simply yet another Bad Seed knockoff (which it is) before deciding it was simply another Omen knockoff (which it is), by the half way point it finally  became clear: what I was watching was in fact a knockoff of Omen IV: The Awakening. And that’s pretty bad. To make it all even sadder and more pointless, Case 39 is capped by a climax that makes absolutely no sense, if you think about it even  for a little bit. Even the Omen IV had a better ending, and that’s saying something.

Considering all the above, the ultimate lesson to take away here is that, talk as we might about The Terrible Twos, it’s when the little monsters turn ten that you really need to watch out.

by Jim Knipfel

[binkywinky]

hi! Comics rec anon here! to answer your question, I'm not entirely new to comics, have read a few but not enough to say I have a specific type. The first series I read was all the jessica jones comics which I really liked, also the miles morales series which i enjoyed and the spidergwen series which was cute but the art was kinda annoying lol. i also like a couple of dc ones like mister miracle. so i think i prefer a general rec from you since the comics world is so big. thanks in advance!

Got it. Hmm… let’s see. It’s probably easiest to break it down by publisher then. I’ll try to give a mix of ongoing, finished, and “classic” stories. 

Fair warning, I read a lot of comics (probably about 60 per month, and that’s not including manga), so even though this may feel like a long list, it’s short for me.

Marvel

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man - Relatively new series, and it’s been fantastic so far. Great art, and a bit more grounded than the Amazing Spider-Man run (which is also great). Stellar art, too.

Miles Morales: Spider-Man - A little YA-ish at times, but overall enjoyable. You get to see a lot more of Miles’ personality in this one, which is always fun.

Superior Spider-Man - Because nothing is more fun than seeing a semi-reformed Otto Octavius try to be a hero.

Captain Marvel - Kelly Thompson does a phenomenal job with this series. She has a great hold of Carol’s voice. Would highly recommend Kelly Sue Deconnick and Margaret Stohl’s previous runs to give context (Captain Marvel 2012-2017, Mighty Captain Marvel, and The Life of Captain Marvel).

Jessica Jones - Not sure if you’ve read Kelly Thompson’s recent run or just Bendis’, but hers is definitely worth a read.

Avengers (2019) - actually a solid run. I would check this out if you’re more into crossover, large-scale storytelling. They’re in the middle of War of the Realms, though… so maybe wait until like August or September?

Immortal Hulk, Daredevil, and X-23 - also good. I read them off and on (not really my fave characters to read on their own, I enjoy them in ensembles), but the stories are solid.

Rogue & Gambit - mini series that I absolutely love by Kelly Thompson (she does great character work) that came out last year. Mr. & Mrs. X is a follow-up to it and also tons of fun (nearing its end as well). 

Runaways - I fell off of this when Brian K. Vaughn left, but I can say up through his run ended is well worth the read.

As far as classic stories, Infinity Gauntlet, The Dark Phoenix Saga, X-Men: Age of Apocalypse, Secret Invasion, and Secret Wars would be my first recommendations.

I would’ve recommended Spider-Gwen: Ghost Spider, but maybe wait on that. It’s about to end soon and transition to just Ghost Spider (where she leaves Earth-65 and comes to Earth-616 where Peter and Miles are). Same for X-Men. I’m currently reading Uncanny, but X-Men is about to be overhauled soon. So probably hold on that front.

DC/Vertigo

Honestly, not the biggest DC fan (I lean more towards Vertigo actually), but there are a few that I enjoy.

Action Comics (starting at #1000) - I am not a Superman fan, but I enjoy this series, which says a lot. I enjoy what Bendis is doing with him in this run.

Naomi - a new series, also by Bendis, following the story of a young Black girl who is investigating the circumstances around her adoption. Don’t want to give too much away, but probably my fave DC run at the moment. And Jamal Campbell’s art is fucking gorgeous.

Dial H for Hero - it’s fun. It’s weird. Not for everyone, but maybe give it a shot.

The Flash and Batman, New 52 runs - New 52 gets shit from fans a lot, but I thought these runs were awesome. Very good story-telling.

Dark Nights: Metal event - Probably one of the best things DC did in a long time. It’s a massive event that pretty much reworked the DC universe and all the characters. Enjoyed it immensely.

Heroes in Crisis - this miniseries ended very recently. It’s a story focused on a major event that happens at Sanctuary, a rehab for superheroes suffering from mental health issues (e.g. PTSD after doing something that nearly killed them). Not your usual superhero story, which I liked.

American Carnage - very gritty story focused on a white-passing Black man who infiltrates a white supremacist organization. It’s really fucking good.

High Level - I picked this book up randomly because the cover looked cool. I’ve been reading it ever since. I would say it’s weird sci-fi/fantasy/cyberpunk adventure. A little strong on the language, but very interesting story and great artwork.

Birds of Prey - awesome series with the DC women. A little shaky sometimes, but Gail Simone does really good character work. Her run is probably the only one I’d bother reading.

Deathbed - miniseries by Vertigo that ended maybe a year ago. It’s so bizarre and hilarious and out there. I loved it.

Batwoman (J.H. Williams run) and Batwoman: Rebirth - Kate Kane, my favorite lesbian superhero. Williams did a great job in his run (and the art is to die for). Don’t read the back half, they change writers and it’s a goddamn mess. But then Marguerite Bennett (a queer woman) picked it up in Rebirth, and it got awesome again. Also, shout-out to Greg Rucka for officially making her queerness canon in 52.

Wonder Woman - Wonder Woman’s my fave of DC main characters (along with Martian Manhunter and Wally West I & II), and my favorite run for her is Greg Rucka’s. He does a surprisingly good job of writing women. The run is over at the moment, but I’d check it out. Good stuff there.

For classic stories, Kingdom Come, Watchmen, Flashpoint (precursor to New 52), and Neil Gaiman’s Sandman are some of my faves.

Image

Image is probably what I read the most. Definitely has the most diverse pool of comics to choose from.

Saga - My favorite comic series of all-time. I’ve gotten so many people to read this and they love it. It’s weird - really weird, actually - but the storytelling is phenomenal. And it’s on hiatus right now, so plenty of time to get caught up.

Ice Cream Man - This series is so fucking weird, but I love it. It’s sorta like… Tales from the Crypt? Different stories (mostly horror) that all feature this demon ice cream man.

The Weatherman - This series is such a goddamn delight. I don’t want to ruin the plot but just… yeah. Read the first issue and it just goes crazy from there.

Man-Eaters - Sort of a niche story. Basically, this takes place in a society where when women get their cycle, they turn into giant cats and maul men, so they’ve given them pills to keep them from menstruating. Sounds weird? Wait until you read it. Probably a highlight series of the year for me. 

Black Science - You might not like the art in this one, but maybe give it a shot? These scientists are trying to solve the problem of limited resources on Earth by hopping across dimensions for new ones (infinite dimensions, infinite resources). Only problem is, their machine got damaged so now they hop uncontrollably to whatever dimension it chooses for however long it decides. It’s a wild ride.

Middlewest - An interesting take on parent/child relationships and how the consequences of abuse, anger, and depression can manifest in dangerous ways. Sounds more bleak than it is - the story actually has quite a bit of humor.

Excellence - Very new series, but with a PoC lead, about PoCs, with mostly PoC creators. A story about a secret society of Black magicians and a son whose next in line to take on the mantle, and it’s pretty fucking cool. Issue 2 comes out this week - check it out!

The Walking Dead - I don’t think I have to explain this one, do I? Zombies.

Lazarus and Lazarus: Risen - Sci-fi story set in a dystopian society where the world is ruled by like 15 or so families, and they each have a Lazarus to fight for them. This is told from the perspective of the Carlyle family’s Lazarus, Forever. 

Die - If Dungeons & Dragons and Jumanji had a baby, it would be this book. Sounds weird, but once you read it, you’ll find the description to be accurate.

Anything from Brian K. Vaughn - I have yet to read something from Brian K. Vaughn that I don’t like. Saga, Paper Girls, Y: The Last Man, Runaways, Barrier… his shit’s always good.

Independents / Not Marvel, DC, or Image

Some of these are nostalgia-based, so fair warning.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BOOM Studios) - very new series that’s out. Great art. If you were a fan of the show, I think you’ll like it. It’s a re-imagining of sorts. There’s also an Angel series that just started.

Nancy Drew (Dynamite) - Listen… I could not stand Nancy Drew as a kid. Never got into it and thought it was boring as hell. But I really loved this miniseries (another Kelly Thompson run). It’s maybe 5 issues?

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and Go Go Power Rangers (BOOM Studios) - Honest to God, if you had told me 3 years ago one of my fave comics would be a Power Rangers one, I would have laughed in your face. Both of these series are really good and provide the continuity, nuance, and characterization the show lacked. Fan of the show or not, I’d say it’s worth checking out if you enjoy the teenage superhero genre. Also, just some really amazing art and world-building.

Anything from Jinxworld - This is Bendis’ own publishing company. He’s put out Cover, Pearl, Scarlet, and United States vs. Murder, Inc. All of them are really good.

Umbrella Academy (Dark Horse) - This is the series the Netflix show is based off of. Right now, they’re doing Hotel Oblivion in the comics, but start with Apocalypse Suite and Dallas.

So, there you go anon. There are FAR more I would recommend, but I tried to give a good range of books for you to choose from without (hopefully) overwhelming you. And if you have any questions, I’m more than happy to talk about any of them.

[benfriday-blog1]

That One Time... In Hell!

Part One: Ben’s Inferno

Growing up, my mother used to worry that the games I was playing would inspire me to worship the Devil. That one night me and my buddies would be sitting around the table in my basement and one of us would say “Hey guys, did you read that passage in the Dungeon Master’s Guide about how to serve the Devil through human sacrifice?” and that would be it; our souls condemned forever.  We’d be in Hell before the Cheeto dust had time to settle on our adolescent fingers. As it turns out, she wasn’t far off.

No, Dungeons and Dragons did not lead me to worship the Devil. I don’t actually worship anything, which was just as bad in the eyes of my Roman Catholic mother. Still, if I’m being honest, it was probably the fantasy games and novels that I used to obsess over that sparked my interest in magic, and magic would eventually lead me to Hell. Just not in the way my mother expected.

It was 2008. I was 23 years old, mom was dead, and I was living on my own for the first time in her run-down house on North Mulberry Street in the dilapidated town of Muncie, Indiana. I wasn’t working, I was in a punk band, and magic was paying the bills.

If you’re reading this sometime in the future and don’t know what “punk” was, it was a type of music that went out of style shortly before I was born. Not that it had ever been in style; that would have defeated the point... Wait. Was there a point?

Anyway, I was still very much an amateur then; I had only started taking the Arts seriously a few years earlier mostly to impress a girl. At the time I was experimenting with teleportation. No one calls it that by the way; No traditional Occult Magicians, your Aleister Crowleys and August Santanas (you know, the ones who take themselves seriously) always come up with shit like "translocation" or "matter displacement" but it’s teleportation. You start in one place and end up somewhere else by traveling through space but not time. It’s fucking Star Trek baby.

In my case, I was trying to find a way to travel from point to point on this plane by moving through another. I got the idea from Dreams in the Witch House by Howard Philip Lovecraft. Yeah, I know I’m well-read as shit. In the book, our protagonist believes that through a combination of arcane knowledge and higher mathematics it might be possible to step out of our world and into another, then with another step, return to our world at a point of our choosing. For me, this point was Las Vegas where I was planning to use the gift of clairvoyance to cheat at cards.

I won’t bore you with the details of how I came to solve this metaphysical puzzle because, for the most part, the details were just that boring. Most magic is boring, at least when you’re first trying to figure it out. You decide what you want to do, or rather what you want magic to do for you via rewriting the laws that govern the universe; Then it’s a lot of equations, a lot of poring over musty old tomes, a lot of ordering components off of the Internet and then looking for a way off of the government watch list you inevitably wind up on. It’s a good thing I did eventually master teleportation because I'm never going to be allowed on another plane for as long as I live.

The day of my big experiment, I found myself back in the basement where my friends and I used to spend our Saturday nights before we learned how to talk to girls. I moved the old table to one side of the room, folded up the metal chairs we’d stolen from Sunday school, and started to open my mind to the universe. No wards to protect me from what might be out there, no groundings to hold me to this world, I let my sigils and equations do their work. They ran through my subconscious the way a program might run in the background on your computer. The spell began loosening my grip on the reality.

I closed my eyes and I saw it, a spark, a flicker of light in the darkness like a match being struck out in space. It was the light of another dimension, one parallel to my own. All I needed to do was walk towards it and I would leave this place behind.

The most disturbing thing about magic is when it actually works. Most of the time it doesn’t, but when it does-- when you successfully throw back the curtain-- it almost always leaves you feeling a little smaller. You think you’d feel bigger, more powerful, having just made reality your bitch, but you don’t. Instead, you’re simply reminded of how much you don’t know about the universe. How much you’ll never understand.

Take teleportation for example. I was twenty-three when I successfully moved from one world into another. That means that for the first twenty-three years of my life I didn’t know you could do that. For seventeen of those years, I didn't even believe that other dimensions existed; not really. On that cold, autumn day in the basement of the house where I grew up, my universe got a little bit bigger. Turns out old H.P. was right.

I moved towards the light. With one step, I left Muncie, Indiana behind and with another I was in Hell.

Seriously, it was the actual Hell.

Like I said, I’m not religious but I had been raised Catholic. I know what Hell is supposed to look like.

Presently, I was standing on a precipice overlooking a lake of fire. Not lava mind you, just fire. Rolling orange flames were dancing across the surface of a great pit as men and women writhed in agony amongst its waves.

Oh yeah, there were people, too. In the lake of fire.

At first, all I could do was stare. There was something wrong with this picture. I mean, aside from the fact that I was watching people burning in a lake of fire. No, not burning. That was the problem. They were in a state of perpetual agony, but otherwise, they looked fine. Their skin wasn’t blackening or boiling or peeling off. That’s what sold it for me that this was Hell-- the fire that burned but did not consume.

Ok, so I was in Hell. Not what I expected, but also not a problem. My spell had worked. One more step and I’d be back on Earth, on the Las Vegas Strip. Probably drinking heavily. I closed my eyes, let my mind drift back into “the zone”. I looked for the light of my own world, I took a step. Nothing. I was still in Hell.

Fuck.

I didn’t have to open my eyes to know my spell had failed. I could tell from the heat and the smell. God, the smell! The rotten egg smell I would have expected; that’s just brimstone. What got me was the smell of rot-- that pungent, wet decay that permeated the place, and something else too, like piss and wet animal hair.

Imagine you’re going to visit your uncle, whom you haven’t seen or heard from in months. Now, imagine you walked into his trailer to find that he had died. Next, imagine that his body had been eaten by his twelve or so cats, all of which lived with him in his small trailer with only one litter box. Finally, imagine that in the weeks that followed, the cats had also died. Oh, and the trailer is on fire. That’s what Hell smells like.

I opened my eyes. “Shit.” I closed them again. Took another step. Opened my eyes. “Shit!” Closed my eyes, stepped, opened them. “Shit! Shit! Shit!”  I was still in Hell! This was bad, like really bad. As far as I knew, this was the worst and last fuck up of my life. I was wrong on both accounts.

Still, it had half worked. I was probably the first living human to have ever set foot here. I took solace in that thought even though I was pretty sure I was going to be the first to die here as well. Where would I go? I mean, Hell exists and I dabbled in the dark arts so… I may have bet on the wrong horse.  

I started to look around, trying to take in my surroundings. If I was going to get out of this mess, I would have to start by getting my bearings and coming up with a plan. Or, failing that, I’d have to pull something out of my ass.

I was still standing on the edge of Lake Friday. Yeah, I named a lake after myself. I’m a pio-fucking-neer. I could just make out the other side-- a barren, rocky coast led to a dark wall of obsidian that surrounded the perfectly round lake. Beyond the wall, I couldn’t see anything, just empty space on the horizon. That’s when I made the mistake of looking up.

Just beyond the horizon, there was another land mass. It was huge and just kind of floating there in space-- a massive ring of black Earth so big I couldn’t make out all of it. I had the feeling it was at least twice the size of where I was now. Beyond it, I could just make out the edge of another floating mass. It was like all of Hell was one big funnel in space made up of multiple rings… No, not rings-- circles. Like I said, I couldn’t make out all of it, but I had a feeling there were nine of them. Nine circles, and I was at the bottom.  Bens fucking inferno.

So, Hell was real and made up of roughly the same geography described by the poet Dante. not exactly the same (I'm pretty sure the bottom was supposed to be frozen and where I was standing was hot as balls) but it was close enough to make me wonder if inferno had in fact been a work of fiction. what made the whole situation worse was that I could see the ceiling. Yeah, instead of black space or stars or whatever I saw a rocky ceiling, like the roof of a cave where stalagmites hung down like fangs in the mouth of the beast. Hell, maybe they were.

What did it mean? Was Hell in a cave? Was I actually under the Earth? If I dug straight up would I be in Jerusalem like in Inferno? No, that couldn’t be right. My spell had half worked; I had separated myself from the material plane. This was another dimension, and aside from the books I had read and the stuff I was told in Sunday school, I really had no frame of reference from which to try and understand the place. No way to wrap my head around another world where none of the rules of my own applied.

I needed to get out of the open. I turned and surveyed my immediate surroundings. Behind me was about a hundred feet of rocky coastline that ended at an obsidian wall that wrapped around the circle. Set into the wall was an archway, beyond which I could see only blackness.

I approached the archway. I had no idea what was on the other side, but I also had nowhere else to go. Even after I was right in front of it, I couldn’t see inside; It was just too damn dark. I reached out a hand to make sure it wasn’t just part of the wall. Sure enough, my hand moved into open space.

As much as I needed to get out of the open, I wasn’t willing to stumble blindly into the mouth of the beast. I dug in my pocket for my keys. On my keychain was a red plastic lightsaber I had pulled out of a cereal box. I took the saber off of the keychain and snapped off the blade, underneath was a tiny light bulb. I pressed the button on the side and a pencil-thin beam of light shot from the end of the toy. Not much of a torch, but it would have to do.

I aimed the beam through the archway. The light struck the darkness and vanished. It didn’t even begin to illuminate that space; in fact, I’m pretty sure it got darker. It was like the light was just being swallowed up by shadow.

“Fuck that,” I said a little louder then I should have. There was no force on Earth or heaven that would get me into that… Hell cave.

I turned back towards the lake, not really sure where to go next. That was when I saw my first demon. It was big-- like really big, fucking humongous. It had a broad, muscular body covered in red scales, goat-like legs, and a bull’s head with 3 foot long horns and shaggy black hair. It was flying over the lake on a set of massive, membranous wings like those of a giant bat.

I stood there dumbfounded; I was too scared to run, too fascinated to look away. I watched as the demon swooped over Lake Friday, scanning the writhing masses. There was something familiar about it. A moment later it was joined by two more bull-faced bat-fuckers which swooped down from the circle above.

The first dropped into the fire and came up holding a human woman in his claws. She was shrieking as he tossed her into the air over the lake where she was caught by one of the new arrivals. It held her by one arm, allowing her to dangle over the pit. She screamed and squirmed as he held her there for the others in the fire to see.

I suddenly realized that these creatures weren’t just tormenting this one human; they were using her to instill fear in the others. It wasn’t enough that they were burning forever, they also had to know that things could still get worse. They had to have that constant anxiety hanging over their heads. Fear-- it was like the icing on the Devil’s birthday cake. Finally, the other newcomer swooped in and grabbed the woman by the other arm.

I knew what was coming and I didn’t want to see it. I squeezed my eyes shut, but I could still hear it. There was a scream, then a pop, followed by a wet, sloshing sound like a water balloon to the ear. When I opened my eyes, the woman was gone and two of the demons were flying back towards the other circle. The third was staring down at me.

I turned and ran for the archway. I said there was no force on Earth or heaven that could get me into that cave; turns out there are a few forces in Hell that could. I barreled headlong into the blackness and…

“What the fuck? “

I found myself standing in what I could only describe as… a break room. Like, a really shitty break room. The floors were made from rusted metal grates, the walls were stained and moldy but otherwise, it was a definitely a break room. There were plastic-topped tables surrounded by metal folding chairs, a couple of vending machines and a counter with a sink and a coffee maker.

I looked down. I was standing on a glowing, white tile marked with a pentagram. I had seen this before. Not in dreams or visions, not in the pages of some unholy grimoire, or during a dark rite, but in Doom. The video game. I swear to God, it was one of the teleporters from Doom! I must have played that game a million times. Speaking of games, I suddenly realized why I recognized that demon. It was Pit Fiend- Lord of Devils and Servant of Asmodeus from Dungeons and Dragons. Holy shit, it looked like it had been pulled right from the pages of the Monster Manual. What the literal Hell was going on here?

No sooner had I stepped off of the teleporter than the door to my left (the door marked with a little picture of a horned demon with the word ‘men’s room’ written under it) opened and another demon stepped out. It was massive, with green scaly legs and a muscular body covered in thick brown hair. Its arms ended in two sets of writhing tentacles and most disturbing of all were its two baboon-like heads.

“Demogorgon!?” I asked aloud before I could stop myself. The bi-cranial ape turned to face me.

“What? Wait…Who the fuck are you?”

I turned to run back to the teleport only to be stopped dead in my tracks. Pit Fiend had followed me, and was now standing on the pad staring down at me and wearing a dumbfounded expression on its face.

“Yo, Phil,” called Demogorgon. “You seeing this shit?”

“I… I think so,” replied the unholy terror apparently called Phil. “Is that… a human? Like, a live one?”

I think it is… Oh God, how did it even get in here?”

“I don’t know. I saw It near the Stygian Pit. At first, I thought one of the damned had managed to claw their way out but It's wearing clothes and It has a heartbeat. Oh God! What are we going to do!?”

Phil took a couple of nervous steps back. Away from me. Like he was scared.

“Calm down, Phil! It’s ok… It’s going to be ok. I’m going to try and talk to It.”

Demogorgon then turned his attention back to me. He swallowed hard, cleared his throat.

“Uh, Hello… human. I am Trevor the Tormenter. I’m uh… Assistant Manager of General Torment here on the eighth circle. Oh, and this is Phil. He’s on the Disembowelment Board. Say Hello, Phil.”

“He-he-Hello… human.”

They were afraid, and once more, it seemed I was the thing they were afraid of. The demons… were afraid of me. What was it they called me? Not just human, but living human. Was it possible that these horrors only had power over the dead? I decided that maybe it was time I took control of the situation.

“Hey, guys. I’m Ben Friday. Nice to meet you.”

“Uh… yeah,” said Trevor, seeming to relax a little. “Nice to meet you, too. Always nice to meet a… living human.”

“You seem a little nervous there, Trevor. you ok?”

“What? Nervous? No… No, I’m not… I’m cool, man. I’m good.”

“I’m not!” Exclaimed Phil, who was actually shaking. “I’m fucking terrified! How… how did you get here? What do you want?  What are you going to do to us?”

“Shut up, Phil!” Trevor shouted with some urgency.

“Do to you? Phil, come on. You’re a big, scary demon. What could a little human like me possibly do to you?”

“Don’t… Don’t give me that.” Phil stammered. “I work with the damned souls of humans every day. I’ve read your files; I know the shit you people get up to when you’re alive.”

Suddenly it all made sense. These guys spend their entire lives managing the worst of the worst that humanity has to offer. Guys like Hitler, Dahmer, and Manson. If they thought we were all just like those guys, then, of course, the last thing they would want is to see one of us running loose in their backyard.

“Just today,” Phil continued, “I was tormenting the soul of Queen Mary.”

“You mean Bloody Mary?” Trevor cut in. “Man, that chick burned more people at the stake than I have.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Ok, but you guys do torture people.”

The demons were silent for several moments. Finally, Trevor spoke up.

“Well… yeah. I suppose we do.”

"You suppose you torture people?”

“Ok, yes, we do. But at least when we torment the souls of the damned, we do it because it’s our job!”

“Your Job?!”

“Well yeah,” started Phil, getting back into the conversation. “I mean, it’s not like we enjoy this sort of thing. Not the way you humans do. It’s just our job, it’s why we were created. Why I even find the whole business rather dull and tedious most of the time. Real nine-to-five slog, you know? Especially after you’ve been at it for a few thousand years.”

“You humans though!" continued Trevor. "the things you do to each other, usually just because you can… It makes my skin crawl."

“You have got to be kidding me. I just watched you pluck a woman out of a fire and dismember her.”

“Yeah, I did do that; it’s part of my routine. But you guys, what you do to each other can be way worse than anything we could think up.”

“Ok. Ok.” I said, putting up my hands. The two demons took a hesitant step back as though they expected me to start biting. “What we have here is a classic example of what we Earthlings call a sampling error.”

“A what, now?”

“A sampling error. Look, it’s like how on my world, in my country, a lot of people are afraid of immigrants right now. They turn on their TVs, and they see Fox News talking about all these different cases of immigrants committing violent crimes. Suddenly, they start thinking that all immigrants are violent criminals.”

“Makes sense.”

“Yeah, except it’s all bullshit meant to push an agenda. People think immigrants are criminals because they aren’t seeing all the immigrants that aren’t criminals. In fact, immigrants are less likely to commit violent crimes than the people who are born in the country, but you’d never know that by watching the news. Because “immigrants are coming to steal our jobs and rape our women” makes for a better headline than “some people just suck”.”

“So, you’re saying that humans aren’t so bad. That we only think they are because we only see the really bad ones.”

“Exactly. See, Phil gets it.”

“Yeah, ok, hu… I mean Ben,” said Trevor. “Maybe not all humans are as bad as the ones we have here. Honestly, I wouldn’t know. All I know about the souls I manage is what I read off of their rap sheets. Could be the rest of you are all saints, but that’s not what I’m worried about right now. I’m worried about you. Who you are, why you’re here, and what you plan to do.”

“Well, guys, that’s kind of a long story. Basically, I’m here by accident. I’m kind of a magician, you see. I cast a spell that was supposed to take me to Las Vegas and I wound up here instead. Now I’m just trying to get back home.”

“Oh,” said Trevor, letting out a sigh of relief. “That’s not so bad. I thought maybe this was some sort of invasion or coup.” The big demon chuckled. “But you say you didn’t even mean to be here?”

“No, and I’d kind of like to get back so… There a way out of here?”

“None that I know of. We’re more about keeping things in than letting things out. No, we’ll have to take you to see Lu. He’ll know how to handle this.”

“Lu?”

“Yeah, he’s kind of the boss.”

“Ok, so is he like the General Manager of Torment? “

“Oh no. That’s Larry; this is way above his pay grade. No, we’re taking you to the big boss, Lucifer Morningstar. He kind of runs the show down here.”    

Just like that, just when I felt like I had a handle on things, my blood ran cold. “The Devil. You’re taking me to meet the Devil.”

“The one and only.” Phil winked.

Trevor made a show of ushering me toward the door. “Right this way…Human.”

[gehayi]

Fandom Snowflake Challenge--Day 3

Day 3 In your own space, post recs for at least three fanworks that you did not create. For this, I thought I would rec all the stories that I have bookmarked that I thought need more love. All of them are complete (no WIPs, though I do wish some would continue). I made notes on some when I bookmarked them, so where those occur, they're included.

Also, this is LONG. You have been warned.

14th CENTURY CE RPF Hallowmas, Or Shortest Of Day by skazka Isabella, future girl-queen of England, receives a visit from a predecessor. Commentary: Melancholy and sweet, with wee Isabella as an adorable seven-year-old who's very much at sea and Anne of Bohemia as the gentlest and kindest of ghosts. It's A Terrible Reign by angevin2 A dying John of Gaunt, with the aid of his long-dead brother, walks the road not taken. Commentary: Wickedly deflates the "It's a Wonderful Life" premise simply by having John of Gaunt be himself--confident, convinced that what he wants is surely for the best, and blunt enough to point out that most of the awful stuff that could have happened DID happen anyway. Also, Gaunt and the Black Prince are both believable and hysterical as brothers. Jesu dulcis memoria by angevin2 Master Ladislaus's only regret is that his greatest masterpiece--the Wilton Diptych--is one born of grief. Commentary: Brief, sorrowful and stunningly beautiful. I had a lump in my throat when I finished reading it. Remembrance of a Weeping Queen by angevin2 Anne of Bohemia contemplates her purpose in life. Commentary: It’s not easy dealing with public crises while coping with private grief. If you like royal ladies who make a difference in their world and who smile sweetly and gently despite heartbreak, this is for you. *** A STUDY IN EMERALD - NEIL GAIMAN: R'Iyeh Is Not An Empty House by Trobadora It all began because of the woman. *** ARTHURIAN MYTHOLOGY Wheels Within Wheels by Philipa_Moss “Have you heard?” Linet asked. “She’s back.” *** AUSTIN & MURRY-O'KEEFE FAMILIES - MADELEINE L'ENGLE Galois Theory by primeideal Five times everything fell into place. That Unexpected Fateful Hour, Once Again at Hand by ElegantPi Charles Wallace is assigned two new classmates and a task, just before his winter holiday. Wordless by CG (NYCScribbler) Three times Calvin O'Keefe hasn't known what to say. *** BENJAMIN JANUARY MYSTERIES - BARBARA HAMBLY Escargots by Nary Rose was not one to offer platitudes for a man she hadn't known, to a man who hadn't cared about him. "What killed him?" she asked instead, for she couldn't think of any reason why Shaw would be telling her about this if it had been a natural death. "Poison's our best guess." He paused, as if considering how to most gently say what was coming next. "He took his final meal at the Hotel Iberville last night. So as you might imagine, I got a pressin' need to speak with your nephew, Gabriel Corbier." Commentary: This story belongs to the women, and deservedly so. Rose January/Janvier is brilliant and shrewd and a fantastic scientific detective in 1830s New Orleans, while her sister-in-law Olympe Corbier solves half the mystery by deducing what posion was used. It's sharp, smoothly written and as thoroughly researched as any of the books. Honestly, you could drop this into Barbara Hambly's Good Man Friday (the book in which Benjamin January goes off to Washington DC, a trip which Rose mentions in passing) and it would fit in seamlessly. I'm honestly not sure that the person who wrote this for me isn't Barbara Hambly. If you love historical mysteries, stories featuring characters of color, or both, then read this story. Five moments in the life of Augustus Mayerling by sevenofspade Becoming Augustus Mayerling is a process. Commentary: The details of how Augustus Mayerling became Augustus Mayerling. Detailed, sharp and utterly right. Headcanon accepted. Magnificat in New Orleans by Taabe On the eve of Benjamin and Rose Vitrac January's first Christmas in their new home, at the end of a Reveillón, Ben and Hannibal have a run-in with a less peaceful holiday tradition, and they and Rose take a in young stranger in more need of help than even they realize. Commentary: Dazzlingly beautiful, brilliantly researched, and powerful enough to make your heart ache. A magnificent Magnificat. *** BISCLAVRET - MARIE DE FRANCE J'ai Vu le Loup by Gileonnen The hunt collapses the distance between man and beast. Commentary: A canonical medieval gay werewolf. I love it. *** CADFAEL CHRONICLES - ELLIS PETERS A Flourish of Gold by thelittlestbird When a murder disrupts the peace conference that might end the Anarchy, Brother Cadfael must solve one last mystery. Fortunately, he has some very competent people to help him. *** CANTERBURY TALES - GEOFFREY CHAUCER Mordre, She Wroot by sistermagpie At least one pilgrim will not make it to Canterbury. *** CHRONICLES OF NARNIA - C.S.LEWIS Clipsie the Mariner by Transposable_Element The episode of the Dufflepuds and the Magician's book, from the point of view of the Chief's daughter, Clipsie. Dark and Deep by the_rck Tumnus delivers Lucy to the White Witch, and Aslan never comes. All four children end up in Jadis's hands, and she decides to see what she can mold them into. *** CROSSOVERS Chronicles of Narnia/Harry Potter And Bide the Danger by MiraMira Susan Pevensie: former Unspeakable, legendary beauty, possible Dark witch. A young Amelia Bones, eager to make her mark on MLE, has just been assigned to track her down. But the further Amelia proceeds with her investigation, the more questions she uncovers - especially once she meets Susan herself. Dark Tower/The Stand On the Plains of the Crimson King by magistera Eight years after Randall Flagg was defeated, life goes on in the much-reduced circumstances of post-Trips America. But when Fran and Stu's son begins to have disturbing (and all-too-familiar) dreams, it's a sign of change to come. Commentary: This ties together the stories of The Stand and The Dark Tower, blending the worlds and explaining why Flagg saw Fran Goldsmith's baby as so much of a threat. The tone and the characterization are spot-on, and there's one action scene early on that chilled me. And despite all the supernatural occurrences, which are handled beautifully, this world is solidly grounded. It feels real. Honest to God, if I didn't know better, I'd think that Stephen King fanficced himself. Doctor Who/Mrs. Pollifax - Dorothy Gilman Mrs. Pollifax and the Christmas Party by Emiline “Since you mention it, there was something else,” she admitted. “I’d like you both to come to my Christmas party this year.” With gate-crashing by the unstoppable Jack Harkness. Doctor Who/Wicked Voice - Vernon Lee The Sapphire of Rassilon by zopyrus All Grace Holloway wanted was an ordinary night at the San Francisco Opera. But when the Doctor shows up unexpectedly (again), Grace finds herself travelling back to 18th-century Venice—with a stop along the way to pick up the forgotten Victorian author, Vernon Lee. Murdered composers, lesbian drama, opera singers, and more! Commentary: A gorgeous crossover with the Eighth Doctor and a canon called A Wicked Voice, set mostly in Venice of the 1700s and 1800s. It's a gorgeous story--vivid and colorful, and capable of making you see the Venice of both time periods. This is a story to get lost it. Read it. You'll be glad that you did. Dresden Files - Jim Butcher/Tale of the Five Series - Diane Duane Fire Working by melannen Herewiss goes through a Door that is probably not the Door into Starlight, and meets a man who uses the Fire. Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare/Midsummer Night's Dream - Shakespeare/Peter Pan - J. M. Barrie Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. by fresne Perhaps, the story went this way. Perhaps, it went that way. Perhaps. *** DRESDEN FILES - JIM BUTCHER Johnny's Little Secret by shiplizard A mafia errand boy worries about his junior partner. Slash implied, friendship explicit. Rated Teen for language. *** EAGLES ARE TURNING PEOPLE INTO HORSES: THE MOVIE (2009) Eagles are Turning People Into Horses: The Movie: II: The Horses That Used To Be People But Were Turned Into Horses By Eagles Strike Back: The Revengening by KiaraSayre "This is real life, Brian. There's no ignoring the fact that eagles are turning people into horses. We just have to learn to live with it." Commentary: Glorious crackfic. Every line made me smile, grin or laugh. Quintessentially Yuletide. *** ELIZABETHAN AND JACOBEAN THEATRE & LITERATURE RPF Sad Stories of the Death of Kings by angevin It's 1593, and Kit Marlowe is trying out a new genre. Commentary: If you're intimidated by the canon's title, don't be. Kit Marlowe and Will Shakespeare are playwrights and rivals, each criticizing each other's work while writing plays that are strongly influenced by the same. Marlowe is gloriously OTT, as he was in real life, and Shakespeare is the ultimate fanboy who can't quite tell if his idol is flirting or not. This made me smile. A lot. *** EVERY HEART A DOORWAY - SEANAN McGUIRE The Mirror Cracked From Side to Side by Amazing_E_Ko Nancy has left her old life behind, but when Jack comes tumbling through a portal bearing news of an apocalypse, her sister speaking prophecy from beyond death, Nancy is pulled back into the world of living, breathing things. With the help of Kade and Christopher they must unravel the mystery of the disappearing worlds, and uncover the truth behind all their journeys. Post-canon. Commentary: Absolute magic. I am not entirely certain that the writer isn't really Seanan McGuire. And I am so very grateful that I found this story. *** FAIRY TALES AND FOLKLORE Der Rattenfänger von Hameln | The Pied Piper of Hamelin (Fairy Tale) If I Miss You Call the Tune by lalalalalawhy It is 100 light years since our children left. Commentary: A fairy tale retelling in space. Heartwrenching and so, so good. Sneedronningen | The Snow Queen - Hans Christian Andersen The Enchanted Hawk by Alona In which the robber girl encounters a dysfunctional royal family and makes the most of it. Commentary: The robber girl--no longer so little--is beautifully sly, cunning and practical, defying conventions both in her world and in ours. She doesn't assume that enchanted animals are necessarily truthful, she takes the time to scout out a situation, and she knows what she wants and goes after it cheerfully and unashamedly. I'd love to read more about her and her adventures. *** FALLEN LONDON (FORMERLY ECHO BAZAAR) Fortune, Fate, Freedom by escritoireazul Are we the sum of our choices, or are we our fate? Commentary: A Choose Your Own Adventure tale about the Cheesemonger, the finest of all spies. Hard To Find by Kastaka As if the Comtessa would let a little thing like social ostracism stand in her way. Commentary: When this was first published, it was the first Echo Bazaar fic I'd ever seen, and it continues the story of the subject character--the Missing Comtessa--smashingly, not to mention capturing the atmosphere of the twisted world of Fallen London so well. If you know the game of Echo Bazaar, you'll love it. If you don't know the game, you'll STILL love it, plus the story may inspire interest in the game. Either way, you win! or leave it by anstaar A tough shares their story. *** FIREFLY Can’t Take The Sky by Glinda Serenity does not understand grief; Serenity understands grief all too well. Inundation by lilacsigil When knowledge is power, it's important to keep knowledge controlled. Shepherd Book is here to help. *** GREEK AND ROMAN MYTHOLOGY Medusa's Tale by Area51Fugitive Ah. You've come. I knew you would. Commentary: The very best retelling of the Medusa myth I've ever read, and the only one that ever made me cry. *** HARRY POTTER - J.K. ROWLING Poseidon's Prisoner by esteoflorien Young Cassiopeia Black sets off in search of her brother - and receives assistance from an unlikely person, making her reconsider the way she previously viewed her world. *** HIGHLANDER: THE SERIES Mnemosyne by Medie Wounds of the flesh heal easily for Immortals, the ones of the soul, less so. Commentary: A sympathetic and angry Cassandra, after the Horsemen Arc. *** HIS DARK MATERIALS - PHILIP PULLMAN Valleys of the Shadows by finch (afinch) This is not a happy story. This is the story of three girls who find themselves in the middle of a new African war. There are witches' revolts, daring escapes, the killing of the bears, echoes of freedom, the lack of mercy of the pirates, chains stronger than any steel, and three deaths, one by one by one. This is not a happy story, there are no happy endings, no miracles, no subtle knife, and no angels. This is the story of three girls, a slave, an unwilling pawn, and a refugee. This is story of three girls and three dæmons. *** INVISIBLE LIBRARY: FANWORKS BASED ON IMAGINARY WORKS MENTIONED IN FICTION Miserable Les, Les Misérables - All Media Types, Discworld - Terry Pratchett Truth! Justice! Freedom! Reasonably-priced love! And a black coffee! by greenet Wherein everybody is protesting, drinking a whole lot of coffee, and falling in and out of love. Nina Lightfingers learns to appreciate the elegance of a lady’s fan wielded with murderous intent, Petiterre is over-caffeinated, Evgeni is banned from reading self-help books, and Brusher is over-protective. Among other things. Commentary: If Terry Pratchett had written an in-universe musical about the events of Night Watch, it would have been this story. That is to say, it would have been perfect. P.S. Miserable Les is mentioned as a possible opera in Maskerade. *** JOHN LEWIS CHRISTMAS ADVERTS Please, please, please... by AdaptationDecay Lewis knows exactly what he wants for Christmas. Commentary: This is a stealth crossover, but I'm not going to mention what it's crossed with. That would spoil the impact of the reveal. *** MARY POPPINS (1964) Pictures in the Pavement and Magic in the Rain by El Staplador (elstaplador) Time moves on, and when the wind changes, things happen. Usually Mary Poppins is there, somewhere. *** NCIS No Such Thing by circ_bamboo There's no such thing as zombies. (Or: People should have realized that, sooner or later, pouring the liquefied remnants of corpses in the municipal water supply was going to lead to zombies.) Commentary: Absolutely the best and the funniest zombie story I've ever read! The NCIS team is spot-on as a bad situation snowballs gloriously. Also, I will never think of cedar shavings, sodium intake or tiki torches the same way again! P.S. Here are more sources about resomation: http://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-14114555 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alkaline_hydrolysis_(body_disposal) https://funeralbooker.com/blog/everything-need-know-resomation/ *** ONCE UPON A TIME (TV) Staying Found by misscam “I will always find you,” they say. And they did. Now they just have to get used to having been found again, together again, a relationship again, all the little things again. [Snow/Charming + minor Emma, Henry, Belle] *** PETER PAN - J.M. BARRIE The Art of Becoming by LostWendy1 “Every child is affected thus the first time he is treated unfairly. All he thinks he has a right to when he comes to you to be yours is fairness. After you have been unfair to him he will love you again, but will never afterwards be the same boy. No one ever gets over the first unfairness; no one except Peter. He often met it, but he always forgot it. I suppose that was the real difference between him and all the rest.” (Peter Pan, Barrie) Commentary: The story of Mr. Darling--and the origins of Captain Hook. *** PRINCELESS There's No Such Thing As Elegators by psocoptera Sparky, Adrienne, and Bedelia have an encounter in the grasslands. Commentary: You don't often hear stories from the dragon's point of view. *** REBECCA - DAPHNE DU MAURIER A Thousand Words, Or Simply Three by Skogkatt Danny, faced with a new mistress of vastly inferior rank, ruminates on the past. *** RUBYQUEST Rubyquest II: The Island by AdaptationDecay In your inventory, you have two walkie-talkies and an empty champagne bottle. Time to save the world... *** SHAKESPEARE King Lear - Shakespeare 'Tis Strange by lorata Lear Enterprises' CEO prepares to divide his company's controlling shares between his daughters and their subsidiaries. Edmund, non-powered and disaffected son in a superhero family, plots to turn villain. Regan and Goneril abandon their father to the zombies after he endangers their safehouses one too many times. Gloucester scours open space for the former commander of the star system, set adrift in a malfunctioning lifepod. Cordelia and her dragon prepare to take on her sisters with the help of the French aerial dragon corps. Some stories aren't just universal, they're multiversal. The tale of King Lear, from eleven different worlds. When She Was Bad by lorata LEAR: Then let them anatomize Regan. See what breeds about her heart. Is there any cause in nature that makes these hard hearts? Act 3, Scene 6 SERVANT: If she live long, And in the end meet the old course of death, Women will all turn monsters. Act 3, Scene 7 Even the sweetest pup will bite if handled roughly, and Regan is no innocent. The making of a girl who embraced her demons and turned them to her purpose. Richard II - Shakespeare A Signet On Thine Arm by skazka Kisse he me with the cos of his mouth. For thi tetis ben betere than wyn, and yyuen odour with beste oynementis. Richard and Anne make out in the bath. Privilege by angevin2 Richard kissed a girl and he liked it. And then things got really complicated. Six Variations on Loyalty by angevin2 The King's party (for it is, in fact, still the King's party) has not even left Flint Castle for London before Henry of Hereford, now styling himself Henry of Lancaster, begins trying to seduce Edward of Aumerle. Thy Rebuke Hath Broken His Heart by Aris Merquoni (ArisTGD) Soulbonds between men and women are the most romantic form of marriage in the known world. Soulbonds between men and men make bards and poets salivate with the prospect of terrible, epic tragedy. Richard and Henry think that bards and poets are assholes. Romeo and Juliet - Shakespeare Starling by loathlylady Rosaline in the hot sun. *** STORIES BASED ON ARTWORKS La fiancée hésitante | The Hesitant Betrothed - Auguste Toulmouche Les Femmes Acharnées by Violsva Blanche has a plan, Céleste has a plan - really, everyone has a plan. Commentary: An excellent story of marriage, murder and female friendship. *** SWAN LAKE (BALLET) Juno's Swans by La Reine Noire (lareinenoire) And wheresoever we went, like Juno's swans, / Still we went coupled and inseparable. *** THE GOBLIN EMPEROR - KATHERINE ADDISON Passage by bigsunglasses Released from his role as Prince by the birth of a son to the Emperor and Empress, Idra is allowed to attend university. But he can't escape his past so easily, or perhaps at all, particularly not when he meets someone who walks under a similar shadow ... Three years post-canon. *** THE SANDMAN The First Conversation with Death by evilhippo What happens when someone is no longer an aspect of the Endless? (An imagined epilogue to The Wake.) *** THOMAS OF WOODSTOCK (PLAY) like brambles to the cedars by angevin2 Queen Anne isn't used to English customs. It doesn't help that her husband and his uncles can't agree on what they are. Commentary: This is the story of a gentle young woman adjusting to life far from home and adjusting to political currents she doesn’t quite understand. If you like sweet and feminine Sansa Stark singing songs or sewing expertly, you’ll love this. *** THURSDAY'S CHILDREN - RUMER GODDEN A Bitter God to Follow by Bakcheia In which everybody is in love with ballet dancer Yuri Koszorz, including Yuri. Commentary: A story of seductive charm and self-absorption. Yuri is a likable young man, even as he heedlessly captivates everyone around him, not caring whether anyone gets hurt. *** WATERSHIP DOWN - RICHARD ADAMS The Story of Hrayatha and the Rabbit Who Left No Tracks by Luzula Pipkin listens to a story. Post-canon. *** WENDY TRILOGY - S.J. TUCKER (SONG CYCLE) Always keep your head by LeaperSonata So Wendy'd got herself a crew of ruthless men and brave and they'd terrorize the Lost Boys each and every Saturday. One day Wendy says to Peter, "I'd like more girls on my crew." So Peter goes a-hunting Lost Girls and brings back Green-eyed Sue. Commentary: You don't have to know S.J. Tucker's songs--specifically, the Wendy Trilogy--to understand this story about the time when Wendy Darling became a pirate called Red-Handed Jill. This story is about Green-Eyed Sue, Jill's first mate, but more than that, it's about finding the place where you belong. Most of all, it's about identity and love and being honest with yourself. Highly recommended. Journey's End by eris_kyrall (kereia) The decision to go back home had not come easily to Wendy Darling, and the hardest part of it was saying goodbye. Commentary: This story deals with Wendy's departure from Neverland, but it treats her decision to leave as right and natural, as if Wendy were a potted plant that had outgrown its container. At the same time, it shows that those who didn't follow Wendy home were also right. Also, I love the female friendship in this story. Bittersweet.