#B will inevitably pay like twice what's needed and walk off without saying anything

[ars-ceratinus]

The silly panels continue... I don't like this one as much, but I think that's because "dark and sombre" is more my wheelhouse than "painful social interaction in broad daylight".

[avaxindy]

come over?

fratboy!indy x reader | minors dni | happy b-day indy

summary: late at night, indy texts you. it’s ambiguous. he doesn’t say why. since you’re just friends, you don’t assume anything by it. but when you arrive at his frat house, things get really heavy really fast.

features: @hanasnx fanfiction, sexual content, dry humping, light choking, explicit language, friends to lovers?, emotional manipulation, slight dubious consent

Your phone vibrates once and then twice a minute later while you are washing your face. The first assumption is that your best friend is trying to convince you to go clubbing with her at the last minute because the baseball team was seen out. You’ll never understand her obsession with them. Just like she’ll never understand your obsession with Indy.

You’re just lucky that your types are polar opposite. Because everyone else seems to have eyes for him. Everyone. And of course, you understand. How could you not crush hard over him? He just has this... way about him that drives you crazy. You’re not even sure he does it intentionally.

After you dry your face and moisturize, you lean over and tap your phone screen. You nearly shriek when you see his name. And the message that reads: come over?

You curse yourself for taking off your pretty clothes and your makeup. Not that Indy ever minded you without makeup. But if you showed up like you look now, you worry he might not get the hint that you like him.

He’s never invited you to hang out this late before. Sometimes you’ll hang out late because your hangouts run overtime. But when you’re with him, you never want to leave. All you can do is hope that he might feel the same way too. The hours you’ve spent analyzing your friendship with Indy is humiliating. You pay attention to his Insta posts and Snap stories, noting where he is and who he’s with. At every frat party hosted by his fraternity, girls practically throw themselves at his feet, and you get jealous every time he flirts back. But to your knowledge it rarely progresses further than that. He has a few exes from his years at the school, but they’ve always spoken highly of him.

You suspect that they’re the ones who have spread rumors about what he can do under the sheets. It’s something that he keeps very private. You suppose a guy like him doesn’t need to brag about his conquests. Girls just know. And you’re drawn to the confidence he gives off.

But what started as you trying to hook up with him ended in you inevitably wanting something more. You’d love to be his girlfriend. And everyone says that he likes you a lot, everyone but him. He’s not so direct about his feelings with you.

There was one time at the movies he leaned in to whisper something in your ear, and you swore he was going to kiss you. To this day you have no clue what he told you. You were too anxious to pay attention to his words. The sensation of his breath against your skin was too much for you to handle.

The truth is... you might not be able to take it if he actually wants you. You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself. Having what you have wanted all along seems like something that only happens in the movies.

As you frantically reapply your makeup, he texts you again: why aren’t u in my bed rn

While that might seem like he’s texting you for sex, Indy has a special kind of humor that you understand. He’s really just saying that he misses you.

You type out a quick response: Promise im about to leave.

He just hearts the message.

You pick out your outfit, electing for a lulu tennis skirt and a cropped hoodie. The worst thing to do in this situation would be to overdress.

When you pull up to his frat house, you realize that you should have walked from your dorm. There’s a party going on, and parking is shit. You have to park from across the street in a big lot, empty this time of the day. His frat house is at the end of the row. It’s a long and annoying walk, but it’s worth it to spend time with him although you really weren’t in the mood for a party. You have an 8am class tomorrow (Friday).

Passing by, you spot his black Camaro in his parking space up front. You know it’s his from the dark-green stripe on the side. He teases you that he owns that color. He calls it Indy green.

The guys running security for the event immediately let you in when you come up to the door. You figure they must know who you are because you’re always here during the day. Actually, you were here this morning studying with Indy. He has a test tomorrow. Maybe he invited you over for a quick cram session. You should have brought your backpack.

People are crammed elbows to elbows in the little two-story. Outside too. Half of the campus must be here. You finally find a familiar face, one of the younger pledges, and you ask him where Indy is. He points upstairs. Maybe Indy wasn’t in the mood for a party. You’ll ask him later.

He lives in the first room after the staircase. He likes it because he only has one neighbor.

You knock first. A couple seconds later, he answers. Evanescence plays in the background softly. You think... it’s a song from Fallen, but you can’t be sure. Knowing him it probably is.

“Hi,” he says, leaning against the door frame. He makes it look small. 

He waves you in. You notice his shiny black nails. He must have just painted them. You grab his hand as you enter and bring his fingers close to your eyes. He has model hands. His hands are decorated with thick and thin steel rings, silver and black. He curls his long fingers around yours.

“What’re you lookin’ at,” he laughs, an impish smirk spanning his lips. 

“They’re pretty, Indy.” You want to shove them in your mouth.

He pulls you along to his bed, and you sit beside him. Running a hand through his dark hair, he looks down at you and stares. His eyes sparkle. Something is different in the way he’s looking at you. You hope he feels it too.

“Did you want to study?” you ask, testing the waters. It’s the path of least resistance to find out why he asked you over.

He snorts and flicks the side of your arm. “Tonight? On a Thursday?”

You nod. “Yeah? You have a test tomorrow.”

“We studied. I’ve got it. I’m not worried.” He narrows his eyes. “Is that why you thought I wanted you to come over?”

“Maybe.”

He looks away and clasps his hands on his lap or picks at the tears in his faded jeans. “You’re wrong.”

“Why did you—”

Indy cuts you off. “Cause I wanted to spend time with you. Got tired of that fucking party ‘cause it’s shit without you. The guys told me not to bring a date this time.” Indy lies down on his bed, situating himself with his head on the pillow. He turns his body to face you.

In the midnight sheets, his skin is ghostlike. Sometimes you wonder if he’s just a figment of your imagination. He’s too pretty to be real.

You lie down beside him. This isn’t uncommon. He likes to cuddle sometimes when he’s in the mood. The metal beads on his leather bracelet are cold on your stomach. He holds you close to his chest for a minute or two before turning on his back to reach for the tv remote.

“Wanna watch something?” he asks, switching the tv on.

You shrug. “I don’t care. Only if you do.”

“If... you don’t care,” he whispers.

You don’t need to look up to know what he’s watching. Almost every time you guys hang out like this, he watches Batman Beyond. Hasn’t he seen it at least four times at this point? Nevertheless, you enjoy watching it with him. It’s really the only time you’ve witnessed him completely geek out over something. He’ll pause the show to answer any question you have. The way he comes alive when he talks to you about the things he adores is so precious to you. Even though you’re very, very familiar with the characters now, you still act like you aren’t, just so you can ask him about them. You like the way he explains things. He’s so confident, and it’s seductive, and you don’t want to wait anymore. You can’t. You need to kiss him. Maybe you should ask for permission, but you know he’d tease you for it. So, you decide to go for it while he’s lying there beside you.

Pushing up on the bed, you hover over him for a moment. Instantly, he notices and gazes into your eyes. Indy’s face is blank, void of all emotion and judgment. You can’t know what he’s thinking. He doesn’t let you. But you can’t back down. You’ve already committed to showing him what you want.

Indy’s lips are softer than you expected. Your mouth fits to his like puzzle pieces. You tangle your fingers in his hair. And he lets you kiss him for what feels like hours. You know that it’s only a moment truly. But you wish it could go on all night long.

Satisfied, you sit up, and he follows. He speaks first before you could even get a word in to explain yourself.

“If you wanted to kiss me, you could have just said it.”

Flustered, you look away. “I’m sorry. I’m so dumb, Indy. I know you don’t want me like that.”

“Who says?”

You only shrug. No one’s ever said that, but he’s never made it clear that he wants more than friendship

Indy leans close. He holds up his hand. “Can I grab you here?” Gently, he wraps his fingers around your neck like he wants to choke you.

You swallow and feel the motion of your throat collide with his skin. “Yes,” you whisper.

His grip tightens, not by much. As he falls on you, Indy pushes you down onto the bed, holding you by the neck. His sinful mouth devours yours as his weight crushes you into the pillows and bed sheets. The kiss turns wet when his tongue slips inside, and he explores you. Before Indy, you had always thought girls were just were exaggerating when they said he had his tongue down my throat

His bangs tickle your forehead and the side of your face. His hair almost reaches his shoulders now, but you like it long. It’s easier to tug on and play with, especially in moments like these. Between your fingers, his hair is taut silk darker than demons’ eyes. He moans into you when you tug, and he seems to like it hard.

When he’s finished, Indy leaves your mouth sensitive and wet with an exchange of fluids. You lick them, savoring the leftovers, and all you can think about is more. More from him. More of him.

His silver chains dangle around his neck and catch the dimmed bedroom light. Through the loose neckline of his shirt, you see milky skin, and you start to lift his shirt to touch him.

“Baby, you wanna go all the way, huh?” He lets go of your throat to take off his shirt. The dark fabric slides up his lithe body. His hair is tousled from the action. “Didn’t know you were that hot for me. Dammit, why did you wait so long to do something about it?”

“Why did you?” you look up at him with your eyes big and wide, lips pouting. It’s true. You had wanted him to move in on you first. But time had made you impatient.

“Didn’t wanna ruin us...” he murmurs, wrapping his arms around your waist, nestling his face in the sweet curve of your neck. “What we have is so good.”

“I think it’s worth the risk,” you whisper.

He sighs lowly, very contently. “That’s just what I thought too.” He kisses your shoulder. And he starts grinding his hips into you, needing the friction, his budding erection digging into you already. “Want it now, baby?”

[butgilinsky]

blueberry pancakes // rc

part one | series masterlist 

warning; language, drinking ig

summary; while y/n’s running from her feelings for jj, she ends up in a mess she didn’t account for 

word count; almost 3.5k 

life on the cut was anything but luxurious. small houses and being forced to work jobs that sucked, but paid somewhat decently. y/n was an only child which meant getting a job wasn’t even a question. her dad worked out of town a lot, and her mom worked doubles most of the time so she was pretty much always on her own. 

most kids would’ve killed for that, but y/n had gotten so used to it that it got old quickly. she didn’t want to be alone all the time, so she spent most of her time at john b’s house. 

she was there almost as much as jj, which wasn’t a problem with her. the two had been friends for years, and though she was close with all of the pogues, jj and john b were the two she’d known the longest and inevitably grew the closest to. 

john b had filled a brother role that she never knew she needed, though she enjoyed it immensely. jj, on the other hand, seemed to catch her attention in a slightly different way. 

having feelings for jj maybank was slightly problematic. the boy that was always in trouble, always doing things he wasn’t supposed to be doing and saying things that should never be said out loud. he was one of her best friends, and besides, he had feelings for kiara. 

“what am i going to do, y/n?” the girl opened her eyes, squinting slightly at the blinding light from the sun before looking at the blond. he was staring off the edge of the boat, hand running through his hair and tugging while he gulped down his beer. 

“about what, j?” he scoffed, being able to tell that she hadn’t been paying attention due to her question. 

“kie. how do i tell her i have feelings for her without fucking up our friendship?” y/n could practically feel the blood drain from her face. 

sure, she knew jj had a thing for kie. all of the pogues had a thing for kie, it was hard not to. it had been only recently that jj had started vocalizing his deeper rooted feelings for the girl, but he only ever told y/n. obviously, jj had no idea that y/n had the same thoughts about him. 

“i don’t know, jj. just tell her i guess. what’s the worst that can happen, right?” she wanted to rip her tongue out. the taste on her tongue as she spoke the simple words that held a deeper meaning was vile, and she felt her skin crawl at the mere mention of it. 

“you think i should just tell her? what if she slaps me or something?” 

“then you know how she feels, i guess.” y/n stood up, not wanting to sit around and hear anymore questions or give any further advice to the boy she’d fallen for that had fallen for her other best friend.

y/n dove into the water, barely making a splash. the water cooled off her skin, but there was no way to put out the fire in her stomach. the burning feeling of hearing jj talk about kie, though he had said it to her before, was almost unbearable. 

she stayed a few yards away from the others, not wanting to dive into another conversation. she floated on the surface, ears beneath the water and only hearing dull noises while she stared up at the sky. 

she had shut her eyes for what felt like only a few moments before something cold touched her stomach and she flinched. she opened her eyes and moved quickly, letting out a heavy sigh when john b stood there laughing at her. 

she punched the boy’s chest roughly but took the cold beer can from him. 

“you scared me, dick.” he laughed gently, his smile dropping at the fact that a smile never stretched across her lips like it usually did. 

“what’s wrong?” the girl shook her head, trying to shrug it off before it became a topic of conversation. 

“nothing, i’m fine.” she whispered softly before tipping the beer can up and taking several gulps of the cold liquid. 

“the kie questions, again?” she nodded, eye flicking up to the boat to see jj hanging over the side and messing with kie. 

they were hitting each other playfully, their laughs filling the air while pope stared at the two and sighed. he tried to get them to stop but it was no use when kie splashed water up at jj and he practically jumped on top of her. 

“you should just tell him.” y/n scoffed loudly at that, staring at john b with a knowing look. 

“and make an absolute fool out of myself? no thanks, johnny boy. i’ll stick to being the therapist of the group and help my two best friends fall in love with each other.” john b rolled his eyes, but he knew she was telling the absolute truth. she was the one everyone went to for advice, and she never thought twice about giving it, despite her own feelings.

“you’re going to kill yourself with this, y/n.” she shrugged simply and looked back at him, seeing the disapproving look on his face. 

“then i’ll see you on the other side.” 

she looked at the boat when kie called out to the two of them, pointing out the sun that was nearing its setting point. she told them to swim back to the boat so they could hitch a ride back to john b’s house before the boneyard party later that night. 

john b nodded quickly and tried to get in another word with the girl beside him but she had already started swimming back, holding the beer can above the water’s surface and handing it to kie once she was within arm’s reach. 

y/n pulled herself back on the boat, wringing the water out of her hair and her bathing suit top and completely ignoring the various glances thrown at her before she walked back to the same place she always sat in. 

she put her sunglasses on and lost herself in her thoughts as they rode back to john b’s dock. she helped unload the boat before walking into the chateau, stealing the shower before anyone could stop her. 

she found herself sitting beside john b hours later, eyes locked on the fire until they weren’t. the sight of brown curls up against blond strands that stuck in different directions caught her attention, making her stomach twist. 

to the pogues it was nothing, at least nothing they’d never done before. hell, y/n had done the same thing with pope and john b, but it sat different this time. her knowledge of jj’s feelings paired with her lack of knowledge of kie’s was enough to make her chest ache. 

“you’re staring at them again.” y/n snapped her head back to the boy beside her, sighing heavily when he gave her the same look he always did. 

she brought her cup to her lips, downing the rest of her beer before letting out a soft hiss and a heavy sigh. she stared at the empty cup before glancing back up at her two friends. she only watched for a second this time, standing up quickly and sighing once more. 

“i’ll be back.” she guessed she was walking towards the keg, but she didn’t truly care where she ended up as long as it wasn’t somewhere with a perfect view of jj and kiara. 

it hadn’t been all of five minutes that she was walking before she a body stopped in front of her, copying her movements in order to trap her in place.

“hey pogie, how’s your night going?” she rolled her eyes at the tall boy with a cocky smirk on his face and scoffed.

rafe cameron, prince of the kooks. she didn’t like him, though that was a given with their socioeconomic differences. the only difference between her and the rest of the pogues were that she didn’t exactly hate him, despite his reputation. 

the two never got along, but rafe seemed to go easier on y/n than he did with the rest of the pogues. she knew what he did in his down time, and how him and topper had practically dedicated their lives to making it known where they stood above all and any pogues. 

“nowhere, rafe. why do you even care?” he laughed gently at the question, because y/n knew exactly why he cared. the only thing that pissed off the pogues more than getting into a physical altercation with them, was when the kooks hit on y/n or kiara.

it had happened too many times to count. kie was at a slight disadvantage since she went to school with them for 9 months out of the year, but she also stood her ground against them. y/n easily gave into the interactions, letting the conversation go further that kie every would, before she simply walked away. kie, on the other hand, would jump at any opportunity to harshly shove the kooks away from her.

y/n never knew why but she never felt the deeply rooted hate for every kook on the island like her friends. though, that changed for kiara and more recently sarah. kiara and sarah were “different” as the boys always said, but it wasn’t something she liked to dwell on. 

topper and rafe always hit on y/n to piss of the pogues, and it worked every time. though, y/n thought that’s all it was, just an easy way to piss of the pogues and add another tally mark onto the kook’s score in this stupid classism war. 

“maybank and kiara look pretty close tonight.” rafe looked over y/n’s shoulder at the pair of friends that looked far from a pair of friends in that moment. y/n’s back was to them, but she could imagine what they looked like from previous experience. 

y/n rolled her eyes, face to face with rafe’s chest while he looked behind her. her eyes lingered elsewhere, trying to rid herself of the images flashing through her mind.

“do they? i haven’t noticed.” rafe laughed at that, knowing far too well that that was far from the truth. 

“well that’s a load of shit. you stare at the kid all night long and drink to forget about how they look together.” a small smirk grew on y/n’s lips as she tilted her head back slightly to look up at the boy in front fo her.

“have you been watching me, cameron?” the way his eyes snapped down to meet hers told her everything she needed to know, but he still scoffed and shook his head.

“in your dreams, pogue.” she rolled her eyes and let out a small laugh, catching the boy’s attention once again.

“you can fool just about everyone on this island, rafe, but you’ve wanted to get into my pants since you were in high school. just because i didn’t jump at the opportunity doesn’t mean i didn’t notice.” his eyes blew wide for a split second before returning to normal. he’d never heard anyone say something like that to him. 

he tried to brush it off, but he didn’t succeed. different things rushed through his mind as he tried to figure out how he was supposed to react to this information, and what he was supposed to think about it.

“come with me.” he grabbed the girl’s hand and started trudging through the sand out to where everyone parked their cars.

the girl rolled her eyes but let the boy drag her away anyways. she didn’t feel threatened, and rafe didn’t seem angry like he usually did in situations like this. she knew rafe meant well when he acted around her, so she didn’t fear for where he was taking her or why he was taking her there. 

“i’m not having sex with you in the back of your truck, rafe.”

“that’s now what we’re doing. we’ll do that later.” she bit back a laugh and just followed the boy, shocked to see him open the passenger side door for her.

she pulled herself into the truck and watched rafe run around the front of it before he pulled himself in beside her. it wasn’t until they’d driven for a few minutes in silence that she asked where they were going.

“just trust me, yeah?” she scoffed, not knowing how she was meant to trust the boy that had beat up all of her friends on more than one occasion, but kept quiet. for some reason she did trust rafe, as crazy as it sounded.

it only took a few more minutes with rafe’s tendency to surpass the speed limit before they got to where they were going. it was the only restaurant on the island opened at this hour, and she loved it. 

she used to come to this diner all the time, but hadn’t been in what seemed like years at this point. she didn’t come often anymore, not having the money or the ability to convince her friends to come with her. it was also somewhat out of the way from where the pogues always spent their time, so there weren’t many opportunities for her to come. 

“i love this place.” she whispered softly, more to herself than anyone else.

“i know. you used to come with your dad all the time.” her head snapped to the side, narrowing her eyes slightly in shock.

“what else do you know about me, stalker?” he laughed gently before stepping out of the car, ignoring her question entirely. 

she followed suit, stepping out of the truck after him and following him into the diner. he held the door open for her, which only slightly surprised her this time, before they slid into a booth up against one of the large scaled windows.

she watched rafe look over the menu, though she knew he didn’t need to. most people that came to this diner knew what they were getting without looking, everyone had their usual order here. y/n hadn’t even grabbed a menu once they sat down. 

“you’re staring.” y/n clicked her tongue softly before the boy looked up at her, dropping the menu onto the table and intertwining his fingers together.

“i’m confused.” he raised an eyebrow in speculation, waiting for her to continue. “you dedicate your life to harassing the pogues, but secretly know things about me that my best friends don’t even know. and then you sweep me away from a boneyard party to take me to a diner that i haven’t been to in years.”

“years?” she rolled her eyes, surprised that that was the bit of information he clung to.

“yeah, years. hard to eat out all the time when you don’t have much money. plus, the pogues never want to come all the way out here so we just eat at the wreck most nights.” she shrugged, not finding the use in dwelling on the small pity party.

“they don’t come here with you?” she shrugged again, not knowing why it bothered him so much.

“are you going to tell me how you know weird things about me? how did you know i came here with my dad, and how did you know that i like jj?” she leaned over the table slightly, only pulling back when an older woman stopped by the table to pick up their orders.

she was surprised when rafe ordered french toast, figuring he’d be more of a waffle guy, but let it pass when she ordered her blueberry pancakes. she turned back to rafe after the woman left and leaned back over the table.

“i know you used to come here with your dad because rose used to drag sarah and i here to bond with us. you were almost always here, and when you weren’t, your dad was picking up a to-go order. i know you like maybank because it’s fucking obvious. you stare at him constantly and always have the same gloomy look on your face when he’s with kiara.”

she rolled her eyes, still finding this whole situation out of character for him. rafe cameron was the biggest ass on the entire island, and here he was, showing real interest in something that wasn’t cocaine or impressing her father.

it was odd to see rafe both sober and genuine, but y/n liked it. she liked this side of rafe, and it wasn’t the first time she’d seen him like this, though it had been the first time in a while.

“well that’s odd, cameron, but slightly endearing in the weirdest way possible.” he laughed gently, though it was the most genuine laugh she’d ever heard. his smile stretched across his lips, almost reaching his eyes, and his eyes lit up slightly.

“but tell me things i don’t know about you, y/n.” y/n shrugged, nervously picking at her fingernails. she didn’t like being the topic of conversation very much. she talked to people about them, not her. 

“why don’t you tell me about you?” 

“everyone knows shit about me, y/n.” she rolled her eyes and leaned back in the booth, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“high school reputations don’t mean shit to me, rafe. i don’t care how people on the island see you; how the pogues see you. what are your hobbies? why is topper your best friend? why the truck and not a 4x4 like topper?” she rattled off small questions that she truly felt interested in, not caring about the kook image he attempted to uphold. 

“i guess i don’t have that many hobbies. top and i play golf a lot, so that’s one i guess. reading, i guess.” y/n’s eyes blew wide and she leaned back over the table, stopping rafe from continuing. 

“you read?” rafe scoffed at her tone, ignoring the annoyance building in the back of his mind. 

“yeah, i read. it’s therapeutic to me. good to know that’s so surprising to you. i couldn’t tell you why topper’s my best friend, he just has been for a while i guess. he knows too much about me for me to cut him out of my life.” y/n laughed softly, knowing the feeling all too well. 

“and i didn’t pick the truck, my dad did and i was just grateful to have a car at the time so i didn’t care what it was.” 

their food didn’t take long to come out, and y/n didn’t realize how hungry she was until she was staring at a stack of three large blueberry pancakes. she looked up at rafe when she heard him laugh at the slightly dazed look in her eye. 

“is there a problem, cameron?” he smiled brightly at her but shook his head as he poured a dangerous amount of syrup across the top of his french toast. 

“eat your pancakes.” 

the two stayed at that table for hours, finishing both of their meals and rattling off things to each other about themselves. y/n was sure she’d learned more about rafe in the first hour at the diner than she had learned about anybody in her life, besides john b or jj. 

it seemed incredible how different rafe was when he wasn’t deep in a pile of cocaine or on a rampage because of his dad. he was a normal guy, and y/n found herself sympathizing with him after he started opening up about his dad to her. 

y/n rolled her eyes when she saw that the lights were off in her house, knowing her mom hadn’t expected her to come home for the night. she couldn’t blame her, but know she’d have to navigate the house in the dark at 2 am. 

“you’re going to be okay, right?” she smiled at the worry in rafe’s question and nodded, sending him a reassuring glance. 

“she probably thought i was staying at john b’s, i’ll be okay.” he nodded and smiled back at her, ignoring the feeling in his chest when he realized he didn’t know when he’d see her like this again. 

she opened the door and jumped out of the truck, feet colliding with dirt before turning back to face the boy just a few feet away. 

“call me, cameron.” she smiled softly before shutting the door and walking up to her front door. 

he saw her pick up the flower pot beside the door and grab the key underneath before lodging it into the lock and pushing the door open. she waved at rafe one more time before disappearing into the house. 

she waited by the door until she saw the headlights disappear, smiling to herself at the night she had. 

--

taglist; @queenofthebees003​ @extratragic​ @jjtheangel​ 

[savoryscribbles]

Kaminari Relizes He Might Be Bisexual

Main masterlist

Bnha masterlist

So I love Kaminari, Shinsou, Bakugo, and Kirishima, and I ship them all with myself. But subversive that’ll never happen I also ship them with other characters, I love Kiribaku, Tododeku, and and Shinkami, because I’m a sucker for the grumpy/rude x ball of sunshine trope, it’s my favorite ever. So here have this drabble I have made up which is based on this post here by the lovely @paunchsalazar specifically the first panel. I hope I did it justice. :;(∩^﹏^∩);:

Also, haha, Sweater Weather played while writing this, completely by accident, I just put my playlist on shuffle, and I have over 1,000 songs on there so it was like over a 1/1000(probably less than that? Idk how shuffling works on spotify) that it would play and it did lmao.

Warnings: Angst(I guess it is considering the kind of stuff I write), boi questioning his sexuality, fluff, platonic comfort(I guess)????, swearing, Kirishima being the best gay bff everrrrr, Shinsou being lowkey heteronormative(even tho he’s big gay), teeny tiny manga spoilers(only about the stuff right after where the anime leaves off), Shinsou being oblivious(surprising I know)

Another thing I’d like to say, this isn’t my usual content, I usually only post x reader stuff, but I hope you all enjoy nevertheless. Without farther a due...

⊱ ❀ ✿ ꕥ ✿ ❀ ⊰

Kaminari knew he liked girls since he was younger. Sure he had gay friends, and sure he might have thought once or twice ‘do I like boys?’ ‘Am I gay?’ But he always shot down these questions quickly, because he liked girls, he can’t be gay if he liked girls, right?

Then why did he feel this way? Why was his heart racing whoever Shisou walked by? He thought this feeling was solely reserved for girls, at least for him. Need less to say he was confused. And scared, what if he wasn’t straight? He knew he had no reason to be scared, and there was nothing wrong with not being straight.

Shinsou knew he was gay. He never likes girls as more than a friend, and when he started his teen years and looked at yah know... porn. He always found himself to be the most turned on by the male, even when he first started, and watched the most basic boring ass porn ever, he’d always focus on the man more.

So while it was a surprise that he found himself staring longingly at the blond fuckboy, it was not because he was a boy. His suprise had was more because Kaminari was not his type, at all. His type were the most stereotypical ‘bad boys’ or people who were openly gay. He liked to say he didn’t have time for people questioning themselves.

Both of them on the outside acted unfased by their realizations. Well, Kaminari tried, he failed though. Shinsou didn’t though, which made Kaminari more worried. Because what if Shinsou doesn’t like him?

All of these thoughts about his sexuality ran through his head nonstop, ever since Shinsou had done the joint training with classes 1-A and 1-B. And he tried to push them down, and hope they went away, but they didn’t. And they got worse when Shinsou joined 1-A. And one day Kaminari was just so sick of being confused, and had the courage to actually talk about his thoughts, so he brought it up to Kirishima. ‘He’s gay, so he would know stuff, right?’

“Hey. Um Kirishima?” Kaminari started in shire of where to begin.

“What’s up bro?” Kirishima responded.

“Nothing. Not nothing though, there’s something I need to ask you.”

“Well shoot bro, anything you need you can tell me.” Kirishima said, and luckily his encouraging words helped boost Kaminari confidence.

“How do you know if your gay?” Kaminari asked quickly.

“Hmm, well that’s kind of difficult, I guess I didn’t know if I was gay, I kind of just didn’t like girls, and found boys more attractive.” Kirishima answered, tapping his chin.

“Why do you ask? Do you think your gay?” Kirishima asked.

“Well no, because I like girls, I know I like girls, I like them a lot, but there’s a boy, and he makes me feel how I feel when I see a really cute girl.” Kaminari said nervously, finding it difficult to actually put his feelings to words.

“So you think you like boys and girls?” Kirishima questioned, trying to understand the situation at hand. Kaminari nodded, saying silent.

“Well to me it sounds like your bisexual, if you want a label for it, you don’t need a label if you don’t want to though.” Kirishima deduced, trying time help his friend the best he could. But Kaminari nodded and said a simple ‘thanks’ before walking away.

‘Bisexual huh? Bisexual, I like girls and boys, I am bisexual’ Kaminari said inside his head over and over again, testing how it sounded. He liked it, it brought him peace he hasn’t felt in a while. ‘I am bisexual. I AM BISEXUAL!!!!!’

But just because he knew his sexuality doesn’t mean that he has the confidence to tell the guy he fell for. But it’s a start and he’s happy.

Shinsou found it increasingly harder to ignore his feelings towards Kaminari. Especially when they sat right next to each other, or when they trained together, or when Kaminari invited him to a study session with Kirishima and Bakugo, or when Kaminari would sit next to him at lunch.

His schedule consisted of, wakings up, think about Kaminari, get read for school while thinking about Kaminari, go to school while thinking about Kaminari, pay attention in school but inevitably getting distracted by Kaminari, go back the dorms and in his room, study while thinking about Kaminari, stay up late while thinking about Kaminari, go to bed, and repeat. This annoyed him to no end. ‘Why wont that straight fuckboy get out of my head?!’

He always did this whoever he fell for a staight boy, he’d push all the feelings down until they were gone, and it worked, so why they fuck wouldn’t it work this time? Whatever was happening, he was not having it, he was fucking done with these feelings, and one solution he never did was confess. But that was the only solution he had left.

Kaminari was ready. He was ready to tell Shinsou his feelings, he wasn’t ready for rejection but that’s not something he wanted to think about. He had just came back from the nearest floral shop, and was making his way to his dorm room, when he ran into Shinsou. He almost dropped the flowers he got. Which was something he didn’t want, he had to pay extra to get it custom made with the flowers he wanted. The bouquet consisted of blue, purple, yellow and black flowers, all colors he knew Shinsou liked, but they also represented both of them, the blue and purples for Shinsou, and black and yellow for him.

‘Oh he must be on his way to ask out a girl.’ Shinsou noticed. He hated the sting he felt in his chest, but that’s why he was here.

“I need to tell you something-“

“I need to tell you something-“ They both said at the same time.

“You can go first.” Kaminari said, as Shinsou went silent.

‘Why did he need talk to me?’ ‘There’s now way right?’ ‘No no no.’ ‘I couldn’t even date him if he did.’ ‘I don’t date people like him.’ He was to distracted by his thoughts to hear Kaminari speak.

“Hello? Earth to Shinsou?” Kaminari said waving his hand in front of him.

“Oh sorry, what did you say?” Shinsou respinded snapping back to reality.

Kaminari laughed “I just said you can go first.”

‘I love his laugh.’ ‘No bad Shinsou! No feelings no feelings for straight dudes!’

“Okay. Well I wanted to tell you... I find you attractive, like really attractive, like in the gay kind of way. But I know you’re straight, which is fine, I just need to tell you so I can get over you and move on with my life.” Shinsou said with a straight face.

Kaminari stood in shock at what he had said, happy the he felt the same. However Shinsou took this shock as the ‘suprised a gay guy likes me, a straight guy.’ Kind of suprise, so he nodded and started to walk away, which made Kaminari come out of his shock.

“Wait! That’s what I wanted to talk about though!” Kaminari said running after him. Shinsou was taken aback as he heard Kaminari’s words. He turned around to face him.

“I like you too. I find you attractive too.” He explained

“Oh and these are for you, I’ve never dated a guy before, but whenever I go out on a date with a girl a bring her flowers.” Kaminari nervously put his hand with the bouquet out, while the other found the back of his neck.

Shinsou was confused, Kaminari liked him, but he mentioned girls. He had no problem dating bisexual guys, but he had one to many experiences where they would say they’re bisexual, but end of being straight and breaking his heart.

He took the flowers “uh, thanks I guess? I’ve never gotten flower before.”

“But about the like me and girls, are you just questioning? Are you bisexual? What’s going on there?” Shinsou asked.

“Oh, umm. Well I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual, I talked to Kirishima, and he suggested it to me and I liked it, so yeah.” Kaminari shrugged.

“You don’t just ‘like’ a sexuality, it’s not something you choose.” Shinsou responds, starting to get angry, ‘so he might be messing with me huh?’

“No no it’s not like that! The label felt comfortable, like more right I guess? Than straight?” Kaminari rushed, trying to explain himself.

“Look I get that you like me, and I may like you too, but I don’t date guys who are still trying to figure their sexuality out.” Shinsou responded, and started to walk away again, he might not stay true to his words if he didn’t.

‘He’s to cute. Why does he have to be cute? He’s probably just straight.’

“Wait!!!” Kaminari cried, he wasn’t just going to let him get away, not when he knew Shinsou liked him too.

Shinsou didn’t stop this time, he kept going. ‘Don’t turn around. Don’t turn around. You don’t date straight boys. You told him, these feelings should be gone!!!!’

“Please!!!” Kaminari said, his voice getting closer to Shinsou. “Please wait let me explain! I’m not confused about my sexuality, I figured it out I’m just having a hard time putting it into words!”

‘Don’t turn around. Don’t turn around.’ ‘Fuck it.’ Shinsou turned around to find Kaminari right behind him, and he did something he’s never done. He grabbed Kaminari’s shirt and pulled him down into a kiss. ‘His lips they’re soft, so soft.’

Kaminari stood still for a moment before he started to kiss back. Snaking his hands around Shinsous neck.

“Was that as good as kissing a girl?” Shinsou asked after pulling away.

“Honestly? It was better, way better.” Kaminari reponded before kissing him again.

And it would be one of many kisses they would share.

[erintoknow]

Wait, are we not fighting?

fallen hero fan fiction, with some chargestep ~2.5k words for [12.3/50k] [ao3]

–––

Can’t avoid the Rangers forever.

Julia’s making sure of that now that she’s extracted these promises from you.

First it was ‘fix her computer’ then it turned into ‘help me sort through these old boxes,’ now it was ‘help me organize all these old files.’ At some point on the phone you joked that she ought to start paying you. She called your bluff pretty fast on that one. Offered to fill out a W-2 and to start negotiating salaries.

You’re grateful actually. Between this, your cover job working the tech repair shop, and fiddling with the Regenerator you haven’t had much time to think. Thinking is the enemy right now. Well. It’s always been the enemy, really. The impossibility of a future with Julia. The impossibility of a future at all. How you utterly blew things with Dr. Mortum, –

Had it been a mistake to be honest with her? It’s hard not to feel like it was. You were honest with Argent. Will that also be a mistake?

Lady Argent… You’ve been rehearsing your inevitable encounter in your head, during the dangerously mindless parts of work. Can’t afford to slip up. It’s too much to hope for that you can avoid her forever. At the very least she’ll probably want progress updates. Assurances that you’re keeping up your end of the deal.

The secretary at the front desk smiles and buzzes you in with a hello. Who is it this time? Donna? No, fuck. Why is it such a struggle to remember peoples names without digging into their heads? Feels weird to be recognized like that. Smiled at. It’s all wrong. The two of you trade some perfunctory small talk about the weather before you can slip away. 

Forgot to ask her name. Damnit.

Elevator ride up, up, third floor. There’s so much of the new Ranger’s Headquarters you still haven’t touched but you’re getting to know this route like the back of your hand. Come in, say hello, hang out in the break room until Julia or Herald or whomever you are meeting on any given day.

Oh, that’s another knot to untangle. You’ve ditched Herald’s training sessions for over a month now. Is he going to want you to start training him again? Do you want to? It’d be one more way to keep busy at least.

As you walk down the hallway, Chen steps out of a conference room, a packet of paper folded under one arm. Is he going to let you pass without comment? Please let you pass without comment.

He stops, blocking the hallway, staring you down.

It was, you suppose, too much to hope for.

“Becker.” He nods at you, mouth in his trademark tight frown. His thoughts are… hard to read, distracted from the present moment. Still on whatever meeting he just finished?

“Chen.” You answer back, crossing your arms.

“I was wondering why you had stopped showing up, but I see you’ve returned yet again. Like a bad penny.” His stance is stiff, drawing the conference room door closed behind him. Interesting. Something going on in there he doesn’t want you to see? You’re not picking up anyone else in that room.

Just shake your head. “Disappointed?”

“Hardly.”

“Well too bad for y– w–w–wait, what?” You misheard that, right?

“…certain people have grown accustomed to seeing you around.” Chen shifts his weight, uncomfortable as he talks. “I’ll be glad to have Herald and Charge off my back.”

Ah. He’s thinking about the other Rangers. Okay. Everything’s still right with the world. “Well b–breathe easy tough guy. I haven’t fallen off any– any more buildings.”

Chen presses his mouth into a tight line, staring you down. “Are you… doing okay?”

Again, where is this coming from? “I’m… f–fine?”

“You look like shit, Becker.”

Quickly pulling your hand away from the scar on your face, you narrow your eyes at him. “Just had a, uh– bad cold is all. Thanks for your c–c–concern Chen.”

“Hrm.” Chen steps aside to let you pass him in the hallway. “Here for Ortega today?”

“Am I really th–that predictable?”

Is that a smile on Chen’s face? No, that’s crazy. Chen doesn’t give you the dignity of a proper response, heading down the hallway towards the elevator you came out of. You huff to yourself as you watch him leave. Seriously, what was that about?

Whatever.

Whatever’s going on with Chen, it is – hopefully – not your problem. You’ve got enough of those on your plate without piling on more.

The break room is mercifully free of anyone this time. You stretch your arms out, up and over your head as you suppress a yawn. It’s safer to wait for Julia to fetch you, but you’ve half a mind to go looking. Waiting around means time to think. And thinking is the enemy right now.

So don’t.

Don’t think. Pace the room, check the windows, still nothing, no one watching. There hardly ever is. Maybe a starry-eyed kid, once or twice, but not the kind of people you need to worry about. You crack open the fridge for want of anything to do, cool air running down your front as you lean in, sort through the shelves.

Someone’s gone through and labeled them recently. That’s a good idea. Keep everything tidy. Chen, Ortega, Becker, Sullivan, Smith – wait. You run your name over the taped down notecard with your name on it. It’s not a full shelf, more like a basket stuck left on Ortega’s. But that’s your last name alright. There’s some chocolate bars, an apple, one of those pre-packaged salad dinners, a pair of empty plastic containers for keeping leftovers. “W–what the fuck…?”

“Hey.” You jump with a start, slamming the fridge door shut behind you as you spin on your heel. Argent crosses her arms, unimpressed. “If I catch you stealing my food, you’re. dead.”

Fuck! Letting Lady Argent sneak up on you? What the hell is wrong with you? You step away from the fridge as Argent pushes past you. “W–w–wouldn’t dream of it…”

Argent ignores you, pulling out a box of leftovers and sticking them in the microwave. It doesn’t take long for the smell to start filling the room. Chinese takeout? She keeps her back to you, watching the digital timer tick down.

“So, how’s the project going?”

You wince. Does she not get how risky it is to even dance around the subject? “It’s… going. Maybe a month?”

“Maybe?”

“D–d–depends how much time I have for working on it.”

“Good, I’m getting sick of this.”

You don’t hide your frown. “Sick of what?”

“None of your business.” Argent huffs. “Surprised you’ve got the guts to show up here again.” There’s a transparent change of subject if you’ve seen one. What does Argent want the machine for anyway?

Nervous energy vibrates through you, a struggle to keep your face neutral. “Y–yeah, well… Jul– Ortega k–k–keeps asking me to help with shit, so…”

Argent lets out a sharp ‘hah!’

“W–what?”

“Does she know?”

It takes a moment to catch on to her meaning, at which point your eyes go wide as you wave your hands. “What? N–no! No way!”

“Typical.” Argent raps her fingers against the countertop. “You’ve been a disappointment since the day we met.”

“Excuse me?’ Okay, of all the ways you expected this conversation to go, this was not one  you had anticipated.

“You have no idea how much Julia talked you up, do you?” The microwave beeps but Argent makes no move to open it. “Sidestep always came through, always saved the day. Always had some masterplan to get the bad guy and keep everyone safe, on and on.”

“W–what? That’s crazy, I–”

“You were years dead by the time I met her, and she was still trying to get over you.” Argent huffs. “She’d throw herself into fights like she was expecting to die.” She shakes her head, pulling out her leftovers from the microwave and stirring the noodles before popping the container back in. “On the really bad days, she’d get blackout drunk. One of us would have to escort her home.”

You pull back, away from Argent, as you cross your arms. There’s a coldness to the woman’s thoughts that makes you tense up. The kind of cold that can sublimate into fury at a moment’s notice.

“When Julia called me out of the blue saying she had found Sidestep of all people in some random diner, I didn’t know what to expect. I was… terrified.”

“Why are you t–t–telling me this?”

“Shut up, I’m not done. I’ve been thinking about what I was going to say to you all week.” Argent cuts you off. The microwave beeps again, and gets ignored. “After… you know,” Argent growls. “I had never felt so… Helpless. And then Julia’s legendary asshole – who I could never measure up to – was back from the dead to poke around my head and judge me?” She shakes her head, pulling out her leftovers again and finally turning to face you. “Only, guess who Sidestep turns out to be?”

You try to meet her glare, pulling from your own anger. It’s not enough. You look away first. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know what I expected, honestly. Say you’re sorry all you want, that doesn’t fix anything.”

“I–I’m trying, okay?”

“Sure you are.” Argent’s voice drips in sarcasm. “If you’re actually sorry, then return what you made me steal.”

Panic at last overrides shame. “Are you c–c–crazy?” You hiss, glancing towards the door.

Argent rolls her eyes. “Relax. I turned off the surveillance equipment before coming in here. And anyway, you could tell if someone’s coming.”

“Not Ortega!”

That gets a raised eyebrow. “Not Ortega?”

Oh. Wait. Did she not know? “Shit.” You stare Argent down. “Uh, it’s n–n–nothing.”

“No, it’s not, what’s this about Ortega?”

“It’s nothing!” You shake head. 

“You’re going to destroy Julia, you know that right?” You flinch at that. Like you haven’t had that line of through running through your head nonstop even before you slept with her. “Unless that’s the whole point?” Argent narrows her eyes at you as she leans back against the windowpane. “Because don’t think I’m just going to sit around while you hurt my friends.”

“Are you two talking about me?”

You jump, heart pounding as you turn to see Julia enter the room. When did the door open? Surprised by people walking up behind you twice in one day? That’s three times too many. “J–j–julia! Hi!!”

“Hey Ari, sorry to keep you waiting.” She pulls you in to a hug. It is mercifully, painfully, short. She raises a hand towards Argent. “Hey Angie.”

“Julia.” She looks pointedly at the two of you, Julia’s arm around your shoulder still. “You two made up, then?”

“Uh–” Julia glances down at you.

You can feel your face heat up as you push yourself free. “It–it–it–it’s not like that!”

There’s a sharp edge to Argent’s smile. “Oh, so you’re still fighting? I told her the dance thing was a dumb idea.”

“Uh, hey Angie,” Julia rubs the back of her neck, avoiding you. “Let’s not get into that right now?”

A strange calm settles over your panicked heartbeat. “Julia…” You strain to keep your voice steady. “W–w–what were you t–talking to Lady Argent about…?”

Her response is immediate. “Nothing!”

Argent’s laughter is as loud as it is alarming. “She wanted my romantic advice, because you and I are both, and I quote: ‘loner types.’”

Wait. Julia asked her what? But Argent knows that you’re–

But then she–

But why would–

What?

You cover your face. This isn’t really happening right? Are you really this close to absolute disaster? No. No. This can’t be right. You’re missing something here, right? Have to be. Right??

Next to you, Julia groans. “Angie, that was in confidence…”

Okay, that’s enough.

You grab Julia by the arm and drag her out into the hallway with you. Try not to listen to Argent’s hyena laugh echoing after. Julia lets you pull her into an empty office, an apologetic smile on her face as you shut the door. “I c–c–can’t believe you.”

“In my defense, you two never talk. I thought I was safe there.” Julia rubs at the back of her neck, watch you pace the width of the office. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“I…” You stop, the anger already draining out of you. If it was even anger in the first place. “…you d–didn’t do anything wrong.” The quicker you can move past this whole mess the better.

Julia tilts her head. “Wait So… are we not fighting then?”

“I–I–I guess not…?” You run a hand over your face, rubbing the bridge of your nose. “I just– I panicked I guess.” You pull your purse in front of you and fiddle with the straps before you start messing with your make-up any further.

There’s silence and then the creaking of wood shifting as Ortega sits down on top of the desk. “Hey, Ari…?”

You look up at her. She doesn’t quite meet your eyes, an uncharacteristically vulnerable expression on her face. “No sé cómo decir esto… You’re not like, ashamed to be seen with me, are you?”

Woah, what? “W–w–where did that come from?”

“I know you’ve got other–” she glances at you, “–very mysterious reasons, but… You don’t want to be out in public with me, keep trying to ghost me, don’t like public PDAs, and I know you said you aren’t mad about me talking with Angie, but you definitely aren’t okay with it either so…?” Her hands grip the edge of the desk on either side of her. “Did I mention not wanting to screw this up, before? Because I really don’t want to screw this up.”

You pull your shawl tight around you, a pain in chest and behind your eyes. “W–w–what? N–n-n-no! Julia, I–“ You can’t stop stop yourself from giggling, which only makes you more nervous. “I have a lot of… p–p–problems but that is– that is not one of them. I swear.” You chew the inside of your check. “Hey, I–I–I promised that’d I go out somewhere fancy with you, remember?”

Julia lets out the breath she’d been holding and smiles at you, her confidence slowly returning. “That’s true, I still can’t believe you said that.”

“W–w–well, I can’t believe it either. But I d–did and I will.” The idea just scares the living hell out of you, you don’t add.

“Thank you. I knew I was worrying over nothing,” her smile broadens into a grin, “imagine someone being ashamed of being seen with this?” She gestures towards herself.

Shaking your head, you try not to smile. “Okay, th–that sounds more like my favorite smug idiot.”

“Oh, I’m your favorite am I?”

“Got a whole list.”

“Who’s second place?”

“Also you.” Julia takes a light swing at you, easily dodged even while giggling again. “Actually, the – the whole list is just you.”

[haiky-u-lously]

Birthday Gift

Happy birthday @bbparker sorry I am a bit late. Hopefully it is okay. And, I hope even more that you enjoy this little thing. I’ve been wanting to get back into writing cause I feel like I have been failing that part of myself lately, so if there is anything you don’t like about this please let me know and I can try again with someone/something new. But anyways! Happy belated birthday! Questions/comments/likes/ideas always welcome!

–Admin red

You woke up feeling no better but no worse than you ever did, despite it being your birthday it felt like every other day of the year.

But this day was different, and this year was different. Because for this birthday, you were finally old enough for fate to give you the present you most desired.

Unmistakable proof that you were destined with someone.

A clear mark, currently hiding somewhere on your body, of where your soulmate will intentionally touch you for the first time. Once you remembered this little tidbit, you found yourself springing from your bed and sprinting towards the bathroom to find your new mark.

Finding it left you confused. How in the world could your soulmate intend for their first contact with you to be a ripe ole spanking…you found yourself wondering. As you looked over your entire body again, double checking what you had already seen.

You were still wondering what could the mark possibly mean for you and your relationship with your soulmate when you heard the ringing of your doorbell.

You through some clothes on and went to answer it quickly.

“Happy Birthday (Y/N)!” Was screamed at you before the door was full opened, and you welcomed in your friend through laughter at the sudden tone they used. “Now, I know you said you didn’t want a party or anything because…well everything new that’s been happening, but I sort of spilled the news to Tony, and now he is absolutely furious you didn’t let him plan a big blow out so he is making you a…and please know I am quoting him on this…a unescapable old fashioned high school bash. Where he will invite only those he trusts and anyone you want to add to the list. Also,” She added giving you a smirk and a nice once over, “Did you already find your soulmate mark?”

Rolling your eyes, you finally moved to close the door behind your pair, ushering Pepper further into your new apartment. “Look Pepper,” You started, leading her towards the table so you could talk through everything explicitly. “I said I didn’t want a party because I had to leave everyone I knew and loved behind when these stupid new powers started to manifest. And, I only agreed to hang out with you because at least when I have someone around, I don’t feel like I am losing myself.”

She let her lips forma tight line as she listened to you seriously, at your final statement she quirked a smile and shook her head out, bangs running over her forehead as she looked back at you and declared, “I understand, and I told Tony that, well the first half anyway. But you know how he gets. I’m really sorry (Y/N). If it is any consolation, you let him do this without any complaints, just play along for his sake even though we all know it’s your birthday and should be all about what you want and how you want to celebrate, I will help you enact revenge on Tony for his next birthday.”

An inspired idea came to mind almost immediately, and your smirked at her, questioning, “Serious?”

Her smile in return was all the answer you needed and you stuck your hand out to shake on the agreement.

“Now!” She happily moved on, with a clap of her hands before slamming them down on her thighs and leaning closer to you, “Tell me, (Y/N). Where’s your new soul mark?”

You rolled your eyes and left the table, moving into the kitchen to get some form of breakfast started, “If I tell you, you will either a.) laugh your ass off, or b.) be exactly like me and wonder what the hell is wrong with my soulmate.”

“Oh, now I have to know.” She countered, following you into the kitchen.

Pointing to your ass, your face contorted into an annoyed expression, explaining exactly what the mark looked to be.

True to your expectations, Pepper laughed. Hard. Almost lost her balance as she leaned forward over her arms as they crossed her stomach in an attempt to hold some of the expression inside. By the time she had calmed down you were digging into your bowl of cereal. “Wait wait wait,” she commented as she finally straightened up. “So, you mean to tell me, that the first time…hahaha your soulmate…hahahaha your soulmate intentionally touches you…hahhahaha he is spanking your ass?!” Saying it herself sent her into another fit of laughter.  You just rolled your eyes and continued eating your cereal.

“Told you,” You threw out at her as you finished your breakfast and put the bowl into the sink. “Anyway, when is this whole shit with Tony happening?”

“Oh right!” She said, sobering up faster than should have been possible with how hysterical her laughing fit had seemed to you. “Tony said since he was asking you to go against your wishes for the day, he would pay for everything we wanted to do until we arrived at 8 tonight. I already called ahead to the spa. Got us 2-hour full body massages booked, manis and pedis whether you want color or not is up to you (Y/N), but if you think you are going another day with those caveman-like nails you are sorely mistaken. Figured haircut and style wouldn’t hurt either. Dinner at your favorite place and then we’ll head over there. Sound good?”

The surprised expression on your features was only a small indicator of how amazed you were by your friend’s spiel. Words coming to you after you realized she asked a question, you answered, “Yea, sure. Wow you really thought this out huh?”

“Well, I know you’ve been stressed lately.” She kind of threw over her shoulder as she pushed around you to wash your bowel and spoon, telling you to go get dressed and to bring clothes to change into for the party. Screaming at you after you had started to walk back to your room, “Remember! It is a high school bash themed party. So, just dress in something that both looks nice but is also either practical or comfy.”

Hearing her, you understand what she meant, but you made no move to respond. Just went about getting ready for the day and packing for the inevitable sleepover at the Stark Tower.

______________________________________________________

It was just past eight as Pepper and you were walking out of the elevator at Stark Tower. A screaming match hitting both pairs of ears, you gave each other a worried look.

“You cannot just decide what someone is doing for their birthday for them Tony! Do you know how rude and condescending that is?!”

The statements hit you clearly, and you found yourself smiling at the consideration of the speaker. On your side, Pepper shook her head before saying, “Gracious, those two can’t go a day with arguing about something, can they?” You questioned her with your eyebrows and she answered with a smile on her face, “Tony and Steve. I feel like they are always arguing. Guess that shows just how close they really are though, anyway. Let’s introduce you to everyone, yea?”

Next thing you knew you were in the expansive room holding the so-called birthday party. There were what looked to be thirteen people and two other creatures. Once Tony Stark saw you though, his halted his argument with who you presumed to be Steve and engulfed you into a hug.

“(Y/N)! So glad you could make it!” He all but shouted.

You scoffed in response, before adding, “Not like you really gave me much of a choice, huh Stark? Good thing I like Pepper here and she’s got your back.”

He pulled away from you just to replace the person between his arms with the woman in question. Exclaiming about how Pepper was the best thing to happen in his life and he is more than willing to recognize it.

After a show of fake disgust at his being too cutesy, he finally made to introduce you to everyone that had gather around.

“Now, (Y/N), knowing how new you are to everything and the fact that you probably only know Pepper and I…Being the gracious and honorable host that I am, I will introduce you to everyone.” While Tony spoke, you locked eyes with Pepper and rolled them towards his comments. She just laughed and motioned for you to pay attention as the billionaire continued, “So visiting from far off in space we of course have Point Break, and—”

The long haired blonde corrected Tony quickly, “He means Thor. Odinson. Of Asgard.”

“Sure, whatever you say Rapunzel.” Tony chided, getting attention back to himself. “Also, from far off lands there is Groot, he is a tree. Rocket,” After saying this name Tony leaned in closer to your face to whisper in your ear, “He is the raccoon but he hates being called a raccoon even though he doesn’t even know what a raccoon is apparently.” Clapping his hands and standing straight up, he speech continued at a normal level. “Then there is green Gamora, and her psycho blue sister Nebula. Drax is the brick with no shirt, and boy does that one NOT understand sarcasm, so be careful your Highness—”

Drax took a step forward and interrupted Tony, causing you to laugh that the man had been interrupted twice in a matter of moments in his own place. “I understand everything Stark, do not lie to a member of your Planet’s royalty. It is highly disrespectful.”

You lost it at his statement but then decided to play along with it, since it would allow you to tease Tony some, “Exactly Tony. You shouldn’t be rude to those that run the planet.” You heard others laughing and sent a closed eyed smile to the group.

Tony grumbled under his breath a bit before deciding to move on. “Anyway!” He started again, “The last member of team space is Quill. And Quill before you get your panties in a twist. We can’t have two Peters at this party and you know the kid takes priority.” The man Tony had indicated just rolled his eyes before shrugging for Tony to move on. Obviously not wanting to interrupt him so that the introduction phase of the evening could get over quicker. This made Tony smile and he excitedly continued his spiel, “That being said, the kid here is Peter, he is from New York. Next to him is Legolas, and before Natasha gets her panties in a twist, his real name is Clint, I just call him Legolas because he uses a bow and arrow like the elf. Natasha is the short but deadly red head that is looking at me like she wants to stick her gun in my mouth and see what color the wall behind me gets painted! Pepper!!!”

Pepper laughed as she held her hands up between the scared male and approaching female, “Come on Natasha you can get him back in training tomorrow, lets just get this over with, all right?”

Natasha smiled innocently at Pepper and nodded before saying, “You really are lucky you have a girl like that to protect you Tony. Maybe if you didn’t act so stupid, she could actually relax for a night.” Everyone laughed at this, except Tony who stuck his tongue out like a four-year-old would.

“Moving on, that’s Steven, he’s a doctor, but he is also an asshole. Every good high school party needs the school asshole though, doesn’t it?” No one remarked and thankfully Tony moved on of his own accord. “Then there is the guy who killed my parents when he was brainwashed by a secret organization, and the man my father thought the world of, they just happen to be best friends so I am trying my best to keep things civil you know.” This made both the blond and brunette males contort their facial features, but before either could say anything Tony added, “Well at least that’s how I would have introduced them before. Now, this dude is Bucky. He wants to be a science geek but he has a lot to learn before he is anywhere near even Peter’s skill level. But interest is what counts my friend. Interest is where it all starts. The blondie is the good ole solider, Steve Rodgers. But you will probably only hear us call him Cap. Because well its easier. So you know.” Pepper elbowed him in the gut and Tony sent a short glare her way before bowing out of the silent argument. “Steve is basically my brother with how much we know about each other and how Pepper says we act towards one another. However! I like to think of Banner as my brother.” As he said this Tony ran from Pepper and leaned over a guy with glasses. But before he could continue whatever he was saying, you interrupted.

“Oh!” You exclaimed, before as calmly as possible saying, “You are Bruce Banner! One of the world’s most renowned scientists! You are great! I learned all about you and your work back in school! It’s such an honor to make your acquaintance sir!”

The scientist blushed at your gushing, and said his thanks for your kind words.

After that the party ‘got started’. Which basically meant everyone got into smaller groups and were having side conversations. It was actually really nice and you were really happy that it had not turned out like one of Tony’s more…elaborate parties that he had tricked you into attending.

That is, until Tony decided the easy portion of the night was over. As soon as he had sent Peter home for the evening, he had declared we could either play a card game he made up or truth or dare. Knowing Tony and his whims everyone voted for truth or dare.

You were sat in a circle one all the furniture had been moved, finding yourself sitting between Bucky and Pepper. Your friend was busy yelling at Tony and you decided to strike up a conversation with Bucky while you waited for the couple to hash out all the details of the game.

“So, Bucky…that is a very interesting nickname. How’d you come up with it?” You asked, knowing there was no way a person would actual name their son that.

This caused him to crack a small smile and he explained, very quietly, how Steve had given the nickname to him back when they were kids after learning his full name. He asked you how you knew Pepper and Tony and the conversation took off from there. Soon your pair were play fighting over what color was the best in the world.

Only halting once Tony took attention back to himself to explain his and Pepper’s decisions. “So basically, we are all adults here. If you are actually against something obviously don’t do it. Your dare will just be turned to two truths. Cool? Great, lets get started. (Y/N), since its your birthday, I will be kind enough to let you go first. Now, who do you choose??” The giddiness in his voice told you, he more than expected you to choose him.

With a wide grin to him you slowly looked around the room, “Well now who should I pick…let’s see…” You let your eyes linger on Tony before suddenly facing and pointing to Bucky sitting next to you. “Bucky! Truth or dare?” After saying your intended’s name, you glanced at Tony to watch his face fall with the failure that became of his expectations.

Bucky thought for a moment before stating he chose dare.

You smiled at him, and decided to start off easy, “I dare you to…suck on your thumb like an infant for 10 seconds.”

The man rolled his eyes but stuck his thumb in his mouth, you laughed at the ridiculousness that stood before you and very slowly counted to ten as all his friends took photos to tease him with later.

As soon as the countdown ended, Bucky cleaned his thumb off on your t-shirt, telling you, “That’s what you get for making me do that! Now, let’s see. Natasha. Truth or dare?”

It was actually a good idea. The game that was. Everyone was having fun, and it was hilarious how hard everyone was going out of their way to not name Tony for a turn. You’d heard some deep dark secrets, some lies that were told as if they were deep dark secrets, some random facts, saw some crazy ass shit, saw these grown adults act like 15-year olds in their teasing, and saw some exceptional super hero bods as dares were made for strip tease shows. But of course, with all good things, there is a limit to how much fun could be had from one game.

The game had been going on for a while with everyone having had multiple turns and Tony having none, he was sulking around yet another glass of liquor, when Bruce finally caved to the man. “Okay okay okay, Tony. Truth or dare?”

Tony perked up immediately, and yelled dare.

Bruce smiled sweetly before stating, “I dare you to let everyone in the room punch you without putting your suit on.”

Everyone in the group immediately agreed and Tony smiled proudly as he stood up and took a superhero pose. As if he was saying ‘try it’ to us. Everyone took their chance, a couple individuals making him flinch in just their swing, and a couple of those causing an immediate bruise which made those that were left to move to hit a different spot. Yourself and Pepper going last. Catching each other’s eyes, you smiled and she nodded. You both swung at the same time and hit him in his freshly made bruises on either arm.

Tony was grumbling about how mean we were but he gave Pepper a kiss about how proud he was of her strength. It was quite touching and you laughed at how cute the couple was as you went to sit down again.

“Alright!” Tony exclaimed, rubbing his hands together as it was finally, finally his turn. “Cap, truth or dare?”

Steve stood up, “I am honestly more afraid of whatever truth you would ask of me, so let’s go with dare.” The captain’s comment made you nod as you realized you would be too if you were on the receiving end of this question from the billionaire.

“Very well,” Tony smiled mischievously, “I dare you to give the birthday girl her spankings for the day.”

Everyone in the group went up in arms over his comment, Steve just stood there with an astonished look on his face. Pepper walked over and punched him a few times again on his bruises to say how stupid she thought his dare was.

You just rolled your eyes, “Seriously, Tony? Why?”

He just gave you a grin for stepping in, “Well, I am not going to give you your birthday spankings and how else do you expect to get that extra inch of growth.”

“Oh my god, you actually want him to pinch my ass too?” You exclaimed, laughing as you did so.

Tony’s face just fueled your laughter further. “Come on, (Y/N). It’s your birthday after all, and you have to remember this being a thing.”

You waved off the slight concern in his voice, the approaching thoughts he was having about this actually pissing you off rather than being the funny joke he thought of it as. “Fine fine fine. Steve, if you want to go through with it, my ass is yours to spank.”

The others ooed and awed at your sudden bluntness, causing you to laugh as you leaned over a chair that had been pushed off to the side.

“I am so sorry on behalf on Tony. But I was serious when I said I am more afraid of answering any of his truths.” The blond informed you as he came up behind your leaning form.

You weren’t sure how many times he was going to spank you, if it was one for each year like expected, or if he was just going to do a couple to get Tony off his back, but the first slap made you see colors as something in you twisted and turned and you realized that Steve, the captain, the man currently spanking you in front of a group of people, was indeed your soulmate.

His hand retreated and before he could do anything else, or spank you again, you turned and placed your hands against his hips. Using them as a station to pick yourself up enough to kiss him directly on the lips. You could tell when his connection had ended ad he kissed you back.

You heard the whooping and hollering behind you but paid it no mind, until you felt like you’d exhausted all your breath.

Pulling away you looked into crystal blue eyes, and saw the smile playing on the lips below them. “Hello soulmate. Glad you aren’t some creep who goes around spanking people.”

He laughed, “I’m glad you didn’t have to live to long with that being the only thing connecting you to me, my dear soulmate. And hey, I’m just glad you weren’t actually trying to tear my pants off!”

You pulled further away and giggled out a, “what?!”

Steve showed you his marks by lifting his shirt a bit and pulling down the rim of one side of his jeans. You saw just the mark of your fingers that ended at his pant line. “Let’s just say Buck and I thought it always looked like my soulmate went to rip my pants off.”

Laughing too much, it took you a hot minute to notice everyone was clapping at your new-found partners.

“Guess now is as good as a time as any. Who’s ready for cake?” Tony called out, making everyone agree with the sentiment.

A few moments later, the room was back in functional order and there was a cake with lit candles in front of you. All your new acquaintances, your friends, and your soulmate singing happy birthday around you. They finished and you blew the candles out.

Pepper took the cake to go cut slices for everyone, and the group split into smaller ones again, making small talk as they waited for the cake to be ready.

Steve sat in the spot next to you and gave you a shy smile as he placed his arm across your shoulders, “So…um what’d you wish for?”

You cupped his face with one hand and turned it to face you, looking him dead in the eye as you whispered, “You.” And kissed him for the second time that night.

As he kissed you back, and you felt the heat and passion in his return, you realized that from now one you may not be the one initiating the kisses. And… you were pretty sure that you would be just fine with that.

[prgrmmr]

WoW - The Medic

(( This one got long, so I put most of it under the cut ))

The things she did for love. First, Zarellina had gone through with the void change, and now she wanted Thurgryd to check the prison for one of her friends. She had only lucked out that today was the clinic’s weekly visit to the prisoners, and no one else had volunteered for it, though the last part wasn’t unusual. Normally, one of the new guys was sent, and she had been with the practice for ten years. It had been ages since she had been asked to go.

Still, she only counted one raised eyebrow when she asked for the assignment, and nobody asked any questions. She was given a pack of bandages and medicine and sent off to the holding cells.

She remembered just how much she hated it as she stepped inside and went down the steps. The smell grew stronger with each step down. The scent of unwashed bodies, urine, and feces filled the air.

You’ll be done in a few hours, and then you never have to come back here again.

She needed the reminder as she stopped at the first room to sign in. Then she unloaded her pack onto a cart. She had water and medicine, bandages, splints, and a limited amount of tools. She wasn’t allowed anything that the prisoners could use as weapons, which is why she glanced up briefly to make sure the guard at the sign in wasn’t looking as she slipped the last item out of her bag. It was a small box with magnets glued to one side. She quickly slipped it on the bottom side of the cart table, then left the bag aside near the sign in.

She pushed the cart to the door where another guard inspected it and checked her for any weapons. They didn’t check underneath. Thurgryd refrained from breathing a sigh of relief. She wanted to refrain breathing the foul air at all, but Zarellina had practically begged her to check for her friend. She had to do this.

For her, she’d do anything.

The guard let her pass, and she pushed the cart down the hall to the cell rooms. The wheels rattled unevenly over the stone floor as she went in the first room. A guard sat nearby. He barely spared her a glance. There was no blood elf in this room, but the four men crowded into the cell all claimed to have aches of some kind. She knew it was the water offered with the medicine they were after, and let them each have a turn with the ground silverleaf pills and a cup of water before making her way to the next room.

The next room did not have a blood elf, nor did the next five rooms. She treated cuts, bruises, and had to give one guy stitches. She also had to refill the water twice.

Thurgryd was beginning to believe Zarellina’s friend wasn’t here.

She stepped foot into the next room, pushing her cart ahead of her, and nearly gasped upon looking up. So he was here. She continued pushing the cart forward as the elf looked at her. She waited for the guard to get up to unlock the cell and let her in. That’s when she glimpsed the elf’s leg. He was in bad shape, and that was without mentioning which cell they had put him in. The five other men had already had trials and were just waiting for paperwork to be signed before going to the gallows.

She treated them first, giving them each a silverleaf pill, along with a couple drops of dreamfoil extract in their water. It would make them drowsy for an hour or so, and worked quickly. They would be less likely to pay attention while she treated Zarellina’s friend.

While they all wore shackles on their wrists and ankles, the blood elf was the only one chained to something. Unfortunately, it was the wall. His hands were shackled too high for her to reach. Thankfully, there was a stool on the lower part of the cart that she could pull out to use in situations like this.

After treating the others, she pushed the cart over next to Zarellina’s friend, then tipped over the water, making it look like an accident.

“Oh drats. Guard, could you go refill this for me? I was almost done too.” She held the narrow pitcher through the bars.

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t leave you alone in there with them.”

“I need to start treating this elf now. His leg is infected.”

“He’ll be dead by this time next week. It’s pointless. He doesn’t even have someone to advocate for him to slow down the process. You can go get his water if you really want, but he’s not going to need it when he’s hanged.”

“I’m still going to treat him. He shouldn’t have to spend his last few days in agony.” She waited while the guard unlocked the door for her, then went to refill the water. It was time to move to plan B. She needed to be able to talk to the elf without the guard there. She returned to the room, glancing at the guard, then stopping to face him. “Did they issue new boots recently? Those look different than what you guys were wearing a few years ago.”

“Oh, well it’s been a few years, but they did update the trim.”

She approached, leaving the cart behind in the middle of the room. “I can tell. They didn’t have it along this edge before, did they?” She was directly in front of the guard now, and next to his table with his book and his drink on it.

He looked down. “Yeah, I think that was part of the changes.”

While he was looking where she pointed, she used her other hand to add a couple of drops of dreamfoil extract to his drink. “I see. It looks much nicer this way.” Her other hand darted back into her pocket. “I’m sorry, I’m here to work, aren’t I? I shouldn’t be wasting your time. I do like the new trim though. I’m surprised I hadn’t noticed it before now.”

He smiled, nodded, and reached for his glass. It had been almost too easy, but she wasn’t about to complain. He sipped his drink before getting up to let her in the cell. The other prisoners had drifted off to sleep fairly quickly when they had their dose of the same medicine. She briefly wondered if he would make it to the cell at all, but her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of him sitting again. He likely wouldn’t remember the few minutes before he fell asleep either, thanks to the way dreamfoil worked, and that worked out well. She feigned concern just in case.

“Are you okay?” She shook him a bit. He was out cold. She grabbed the guard’s keys and went to the cell to let herself in. She locked it behind herself to make it look good in case someone walked by and looked in. She pushed the tray over to the blood elf.

“Your leg is a mess.”

He said nothing.

“I can’t do much here. There’s too much swelling to set it properly. That will need to be brought down first, and there’s not enough time now.”

She looked up at him. He still hadn’t said anything. “You do recognize me, right?” She kept her voice down and glanced towards the door before looking back at him.

He nodded.

“I hope they didn’t cut out your tongue.”

He shook his head.

“Well, even if you won’t talk to me, you can listen. I can put a splint on your leg to give it some additional support when you inevitably have to walk on it, and it better be soon or you’re going to lose it, but not before tonight.” She lowered her voice to a whisper, “There are fewer guards at night. I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

He nodded slightly.

Thurgryd glanced towards the door before reaching under the cart table and pulling out the box. She opened it and pulled out two thin daggers and wrapped them onto the wooden splint pieces then wrapped the splint onto his leg.

He spoke, “No, it’s too dangerous. If the guards see them, they’ll know you were helping. That could get you, Jonrich and Zarellina in trouble, and any one of you could tell them everything.”

“Then don’t let the guards see them. Look, if you don’t get out tonight, you are going to die, and you probably won’t even get to the gallows. You’re running a fever. As soon as you get back home, you need to tell your boyfriend to let me know. I can get someone to see you and take care of your leg.” She continued wrapping the splits on his leg making sure the daggers were concealed.

After she finished she pulled out the stool and poured some water into a glass. She looked through the pills and extracts and mixtures and took out three bottles. “This one will help with the pain. Open up.”

“It’s not going to make me sleep, is it?”

“No.”

He opened his mouth. She dropped the pill in then held the water up to his lips. He drank the entire cup.

She opened the second bottle and measured out a small amount in a cup. “This should help the infection. Again, you need to get out tonight. Just one dose isn’t going to be enough.”

He nodded and let her give it to him.

“And this last one will help both the fever and the pain.”

He nodded once more and opened his mouth, drinking all the water she gave him again.

“And one last thing.” She took a handful of bandages from the cart and reached up to his hands. She pressed a couple of bent wires against his palm and wrapped them under the bandages. From what she had heard, he’d know what to do with those.

She glanced back towards the entrance to the room. The guard was still out, and no one else had come in yet. She took the keys out of her pocket and unlocked the locks on his shackles. “Leave them like this for now,” she said while making sure they looked like they were closed. “Then you can use the wires to open the cell door. Please, just wait until night, and be careful.”

He nodded.

She stepped down from the stool and slid it back under the cart. “Good luck.” She opened the cell door and pushed the cart out, stopping in the middle of the room to return the keys to the guard’s belt. She glanced back, noticing one of the men in the cell was starting to wake, which meant the guard would soon as well. She hurried out of the room hoping he would think he just had a nap when he wasn’t supposed to and therefore wouldn’t say anything. She put her supplies back in her pack and signed out while trying to look like she wasn’t in too much of a hurry.

She hoped she’d hear from his boyfriend tonight.

[nervesbaddington]

Life and Lyric

This won't be easy to share and it could potentially get somewhat longwinded but whatever.  I just feel like I gotta do it so please bear with me ok thanks 😏

Many of you know that I've recently experienced significant growth in the relationship with my daughter. Some of you probably didn't even know I had a daughter because for a long time it's been a very sensitive subject for me to talk about due to seriously complicated and unfortunate circumstances.

Anyway, I do. I do have a daughter and her name is Lyric. She was born in Denver while I was living on the run (2005-2010) trying to avoid a ridiculous prison sentence for a ridiculous "crime" because Alabama's ridiculous laws regarding marijuana suggest I'm a hardened criminal that belongs in a cage. You probably know someone in prison for weed too, huh? Yeah. Ridiculous right?

So Lyric was born in 2008 and I was a stay-at-home-dad/starving artist (making music, touring, etc.) for the first 18 months of her life. She was a stereotypical "daddy's girl" in every aspect of the phrase but I'll stop gloating...for now. 😉

She was a year and a half old when the US Marshals kicked in the door to haul me back to Alabama to "pay my debt to society". The image of her standing up in her crib, hysterically crying, tears streaming down her cute baby face as they walked me past her bedroom in handcuffs is burned into my memory for eternity. It was brutally painful. To make it worse, they were in full on bully-mode and wouldn't even let me say goodbye. In fact, I could still hear her screaming from the police car out front.

Fast forward to about 6 months into the 42 month bid of being held captive in the Alabama Department of Corrections. To when the letters stopped coming in. To when the phone calls stopped being answered. To when Lyric's mom decided to go above and beyond in attempt to delete me from Lyric's life like I was some vague, poorly worded Facebook post made at 3:30am after polishing off a fifth of vodka. Her goal was to delete me like I never existed. Obviously, there was very little I could do about...well, anything. Especially from behind that razor wire fence. One of the first survival tactics you inevitably learn while doing time is accepting that you can't control what happens on the outside from the inside. I know it sounds like common sense but trust me, it's supremely harder than it sounds.

So as if I had a choice...I accepted it. Everything. Her mom moved on and I did my time. Luckily, Lyric's grandmother kept in touch a bit and I was able to send letters to Lyric through her. Clearly, Lyric was way too young to process any of what was going on, much less read a letter, but relentlessly I drew pictures for her, wrote her letters and thought about her constantly.

The year 2013 finally rolled around and apparently ADOC deemed me "rehabilitated" enough to be set free (re: sarcasm). To little to no surprise, just like all the OG convicts predicted, I heard from Lyric's mom literally the same week I was scheduled to be released (According to the OG's unwritten universal law; freeworld relationships can't last while your significant other is doing time). She had contacted my family and somehow they coordinated a trip from CO to AL for my release date. They were even at the prison to greet me as I walked through the back gate. One of the most surreal days of my life. I got to spend the first week as a free man with my, now 4 yr old, Lyric. It was genuinely like we never missed a beat but instead picked up right where we left off...except without all the hysterical crying (only the happy crying).

When they flew back to Denver I had hopes of transferring my probation to Colorado so I could continue being a father to Lyric and start making up for everything I'd missed during my state-sponsored vacation. Those plans came to a screeching halt when I learned about all the ridiculous (yes, THAT word again) stipulations of making that happen. I either A) needed to have immediate family living in Denver or B) needed to be married to someone living in Denver.

I know what you're thinking...having a child is considered "immediate family" right? Well here's the shittiest of all shitty things about this unfortunate situation:  I was literally a fugitive from justice when Lyric was born and, as a measure of caution, did not put my name on her birth certificate. I know, I know. It's fucking awful but that's what happened. **Side note:  I did, however, fill out the proper paperwork while in prison to be added but for some brilliant reason her mom never filed it and subsequently fail off the face of the earth.

I kept trying to figure out ways to be in Lyric's life. Marrying her mom was never an option and I'll spare you the details of why and just say that our relationship was an unhealthy spiral of doom and regret and the absolute last thing Lyric needed in her life. For the record, I don't subscribe to the philosophy of "staying together for the kids". That's a bullshit philosophy. But I still kept trying to figure it out. I even tried to get "fake married" to a longtime  Denver homegirl just so I could move there to be close to Lyric. While that would've been understandable and totally worth it, I just couldn't go through with it. Just didn't feel right and I needed to get my life in order before I started making desperate decisions like that. Then Nerves Baddington was born and the rest is pretty much history.

After multiple fallouts with Lyric's mom which included false accusations of sending her "fake money orders" among other irrationally immature arguments, I found myself resorting back to that ol' prison survival tactic of accepting the fact that I can't control some things...only now I'm on the OUTSIDE but still (up until now) have felt circumstantially powerless as they hold my lack of LEGAL fatherly rights over my head as some sort of twisted torture device.

I've seen Lyric exactly twice in the 4+ years I've been home. Once in Birmingham and once in Denver and both times at least 4 years ago. A third attempt was made, in April of 2014, when my ever-so-rad and wonderful girlfriend Melanie and I drove all day and night to Denver just to be denied a simple visit with my Lyric. It crushed me. No words can describe the pain of being denied seeing your daughter after driving 24 hours straight. I felt like I had no choice but to give up until the universe (or whatever) grants me with an opportunity to go through the proper legal channels to access my fatherly rights. The time is now and I feel I need to strike while the proverbial iron is hot, so to speak. Obviously this is not going to be easy or inexpensive. I'm going to have to hire lawyers that practice law in Colorado. There will be much travel cost and tests and paperwork and...you name it. But it's all possible and could actually become feasible with a little love and assistance from friends and family.

I spoke with Lyric for the first time in over a year on Father's Day '17. Sincerely the best Father's Day I've ever had since joining The Club. My birthday falls around Father's Day every year and my dad passed away in 2003. Without fail since 2010 each year around this time my brain automatically goes into a very dark place. Not this year though. This has been the happiest week since...as long as I can remember and I can't help but think my dad would be just as excited as I am.

As happy as I am about this newly-fast-developing relationship with my amazing, now 8 yr old, Lyric, I also can't help but be genuinely concerned about her living situation. Since her mom has been the one keeping her from me, it wasn't until her recently "hitting bottom" and disappearing for a few weeks that Lyric actually mustered the courage and ability to find a way to contact me. I've talked to Lyric's grandmother, whose sister (Lyric's great aunt), passed away the same week her daughter had a meltdown and vanished. Apparently CPS has been involved for some time now but I honestly don't know a lot of details as to why or what's going on. Lyric is currently living with her grandmother and is seemingly in good spirits although she's a bit devastated about the whole thing. She wants to come to Birmingham but they (Lyric's mom/grandmother) have been very vocal about how that'd never be a possibility.

Until I go through the aforementioned "proper legal channels" the odds are severely stacked against me.

Which leads me to asking what you - my friends and fam - think about me starting a gofundme campaign to raise money to make this thing happen.

People often turn their nose up when others take to platforms like gofundme to ask for help. What do YOU think? Is this something worth going all out for? I think so but I'd like some input and/or reassurance here.

Thanks so much for reading and I hope one day for Lyric to see how hard I fought for her. THIS IS MY REAL DEBT TO SOCIETY and I just want to do the responsible thing.

[panicattackhelp-blog1]

Panic Attacks While Driving

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Panic Attacks While Driving

My panic attacks while driving were the strangest thing.  There were roads that I couldn’t drive.  These roads were just completely off-limits.  Stoplights would send me into a full on panic attack, I had to avoid those at all costs.  Distance from my home bothered me and was always nagging in the back of my mind.  Somedays I would feel extremely claustrophobic in my vehicle and need to get out, opening a window did help with this.  But the biggest problem that I faced was driving alone in my car.  Who would take over when I couldn’t manage anymore?  Also, to make matters worse, I had terrible anxiety when somebody else would drive.  The two worked against each other.  Overall, my panic attacks while driving were brought on by a combination of these irrational thoughts that I’d turned into realities.  The absolute worst-case scenario for me would be one of the following scenarios.  (of course I had worst-case scenarios, that’s what us anxious people do, we dwell on things that never happened/won’t happen.  I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had cancer, heart-attacks and strokes.  Several times daily, each time morning my “inevitable” death.  But more on that another time!)

Worst Case Panic Attack Driving Scenarios

Driving alone and being sandwiched in between cars at a stop light.

Same situation, but stuck in construction.

On an interstate where I can’t turn around and the next exit is greater than a 10 minute drive.

Breaking down.

I can’t tell you how much time and energy that I’ve put into these.  Over and over again, I’d go through them.  Wondering how I ever used to be able to drive in my car before, without having panic attacks.  I also suffer from low blood sugar, so not having food in my car was just simply something that I’d never go through again (I didn’t eat for an entire day once, and nearly passed out from low blood sugar.  I got food at a gas station (nice gas station) and was instantly ok, but in my mind…I almost died.)

Panic Attacks When Driving Alone

This is a hard one to overcome.  My mindset was like this, “Who will takeover for me when I can’t?”.  Obviously there are all kinds of bad things that happen to people when driving alone.  When I first started having driving anxiety, I decided to venture out for a drive by myself.  On this particular day, I was feeling massively stressed and overly anxious.  But, I ventured out.  I kept driving up the road.  I got about 10 minutes from my home.  I suddenly realized that I couldn’t do it anymore.  Exactly what, I’m not sure…But I needed to NOT BE WHERE I WAS…RIGHT NOW!  I had the panic attack of all panic attacks, with heart palpitations so intense that I thought I was having a heart attack.  Let me tell you….I was certain that death was easier than getting home.  I actually considered it for a minute, that’s how bad this panic attack was.  I turned around instantly and started home.  My arms were shaking so badly, I could barely drive my car.  Mind you, this is the first time that I had ventured out since I started having panic attacks while driving.  I started praying to God in the absolutely most frantic way possible.  Almost screaming my prayers in complete terror.  Looking back, it would have almost been somewhat comical to have watched, but at the time it was one of my worst panic attacks.  I felt completely vulnerable.  It really did me in.

Overcoming Driving Anxiety

Here’s how I overcame it.  First thing.  Before you start working on your panic attacks, you need to start taking Vitamin B-100 and Magnesium (I take 1,000 twice daily).  The Magnesium will eventually get rid of your heart palpitations and ALL anxious people are lacking B-100s (there’s at least two that you are low in [B6 and B12], but I’d suggest taking the B-100 for it all.  Give yourself two weeks, so that you start getting a buildup.  You’ll notice gradual changes in your mind and body.  These two supplements work like black-magic when it comes to curing panic attacks naturally (or at least making them more manageable).

Once you’ve been taking those vitamins for a few weeks, it’s time to start facing your fear head-on.  You need to get in your car and go up the road, but just a little bit.  Talk about what you are doing, where you are going.  Really go through it.  Here’s what I did.

I’m driving up the road.  This is easy.  Nothing is required of me.

I like to drive.  Look at that tree.  That’s a nice tree.

The sun, clouds and sky are nice, what a nice day.

Other people are doing this.  I can do this.  There’s no expectations.

The idea is to keep going through the simplicity and how nice it is to drive.  Always try to find something good in a situation that makes you uncomfortable.  In time, you will enjoy more and more of the uncomfortable situation.  My favorite thing to do used to be to go for a drive.  Ironically, it became the thing that I most feared.

Slowly ease your way into driving.  Don’t expect miracles.  If you get in the car and have a bad panic attack and you’ve barely went anywhere, remember…you DID try!  That’s huge!!!  Do NOT focus on your setbacks.  If you keep telling yourself how you can’t do it, you’ll get obsessed with the negativity and also negatively reinforcing yourself.  The goal is to do little things.  It’s practicing, it’s mental conditioning.  If you’ve been having panic attacks all day, don’t try driving that day (if you can).

The Cause of My Driving Anxiety

My driving anxiety was odd.  I’d been working from home for about 5 years.  Each time I would get in the car, my kids would fight.  The car TV would be on, they’d have their iPads.  My wife would turn on music and somehow expect me to be able to block everything out and have a conversation with her.  Time after time, it was the same situation.  One day, I was at a traffic light near my home.  That was it.  I HAD to get out of the car.  At first I just couldn’t handle red lights.  Then it was just being in the car.  I associated the car with my problems and it was an extension of the other issues going on in my life at the time (losing a job, no income, trying to keep my house, racking up credit card debt, no money to pay taxes, not being able to find another job, going through the worst depression that I’d ever been through).  I felt like I needed to be home to solve my problems (income in my case) and when I was away from home, it was wrong and I needed to get back to the safety of my house.  This may or may not make sense to you, you may relate or not…but this was my reality.

What I Did to Cure my Driving Anxiety

Every road that bothered me, I tried to take.  I would purposely drive roads with stop lights (when I felt “brave” enough).  I told myself that my car was my safe place and that my car was an extension of my home.  I would bring food with me in the car, just in case I would break down.  I’m not saying that I didn’t get panic attacks and heart palpitations at red lights, but I slowly started to accept them.  Depending on how rattled my brain was on a given day was how I felt about the red light, either I could take it or I couldn’t.  Ultimately, I had to fix my underlying issues before I felt ok in the car.

I started applying for jobs.  It gave me a sense of purpose, like I was doing something to help my family.  My background is in Computer Science, so working remotely was a real possibility.  Once I got things working out with my underlying issue, I was able to drive.  That’s the big thing that I learned about panic attacks and anxiety, you’ll get anxious about something that is completely unrelated to the root of your anxiety.  Why would driving anxiety be related to no income.  The two don’t have anything in common, but somewhere in my mind I put the two together.  You have to start clearing your mind to get to the root of your problems.  Sometimes it takes a long time to realize why you are having “generalized anxiety”, but once you can start facing it you WILL get better.

Remember, nothing lasts forever.  Even the bad eventually goes away.  If you can proactively work at it, you’ll get back to being able to drive.  I never thought I’d be able to even walk out of my house into my front yard.  I had BAD panic attacks all the time.  But here I am, I can even cross the road now (lol).  Don’t let you driving anxiety get the better of you, in time you’ll start looking at it differently and realize that you can actually enjoy driving instead of dreading it!