#Autumn in Philadelphia

[oceangirl24]

Fandom drama finally over (next chapter on the way).

Well, this month has been surreal.

For those of you who have been following me for a while you know I have dealt with plagiarism and harassment by a fandom writer since October of 2022- exactly twenty years after I posted the first chapter of AiP on FFN.

Totally gone.

Everything has been deleted everywhere.

The name has been scrubbed, even on pages that tagged her. Only a few gift fics on FFN and a few stories on WhoFic.com remain.

Gone like she never existed.

I've held off saying anything in case it was a just a dream, but it's real.

She is gone!

It's over.

Finally!

I cannot tell you what a massive relief this is.

I have never named her publicly through all of this, although I know some of you figured out who it was.

MrsFizzle. Kaylie Night.

I never shared the extent of what went on for several reasons, but mostly because I knew my socials were being watched and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that what she was doing was so badly affecting my physical and mental health.

I was already dealing with a severe bout of depression and anxiety when she contacted me on FFN in October 2022. At that time, I did not have any socials linked to my FF accounts other than my art account on FFN. I was just getting back into fandom and hadn't decided how I wanted to engage yet. We had been talking in comments on AO3, and instead of asking me if I wanted to talk privately, she just appeared in my dms saying she wanted to talk so she "found" me. This was disturbing, especially since she indicated she was aware I likely did not want to hear from her, but I brushed it off as anxiety talking. I had said I wanted fandom friends after all. And I had no reason not to talk to her.

I should have listened to my instinct.

She straight up told me what she was going to do and how she was going to do it- take my work and Audrey to chop up and use as she pleased. She immediately began to gaslight me by saying she had all of this already written and was giving me a heads up so I wouldn't think she copied. Later, she insisted she would not change anything about Ashley, which made her previous offer to change her name not sincere.

I felt I couldn't say anything about this, not even saying yes, please change the name. What right did I have anyway? It's fanfiction. Mine is the only story like it in the fandom and recognizable, so she'll credit me, and I'll get over it.

I hated it, though. I hated what I thought she was trying to do, and I hated myself for thinking that of someone new to and excited about the fandom. I've been in BMW fanfiction since 2002 and have always had a great experience with it and the people in it. I convinced myself that I was reading into things, and that depression and anxiety were skewing my perception.

Over a year later, while putting the report together, I saw her own words in comments with the dates on them telling me she read AiP and Flashbacks before writing her story, I just didn't catch it. I also saw all the lies she told her readers about the situation. I saw the little comments picking at my characters and story line, the ones she said she loved so much to make herself look better. I can't imagine what she was telling people privately with how bold as she was publicly.

She lied to me about everything from why Ashley's name was so similar to Audrey's to the plot she had planned for her "little family". Told me our OCs had to be the same because they were written for the same character. They had to be younger than Jon, had to have a traumatic backstory, and had to be good with teens, very pretty, etc. There were differences: her character wasn't as young as mine and "had more of an edge to her".

Also she said she couldn't tag Ashley as an OC because she wasn't. Not really. To say she was original would be "presumptuous". She existed in GMW.

Somehow Audrey did not nor did any other OC love interest for Jon even though they too were nurses like in canon. Unbelievably, she even told a reader Ashley was a canon character.

We talked for one week.

It was a miserable seven days. I set my discord status to invisible to get rid of the pressure to respond right away when she messaged. She didn't like this and wanted to know why she couldn't tell when I was online.

No one else ever shows up like that she said, why do you?

I made something up and said a bunch of things to appease her, but I was worried about why this was such an issue, especially since many of my friends were also permanently invisible. The fear she was watching my online movement just had to be my anxiety driving paranoia, right? She couldn't be. Who has time for that?

A fandom friend I had been talking to about the conversations as they happened advised me to get out. She said I shouldn't be afraid and anxious when talking to someone about fandom things.

I finally got the courage to end it. She didn't like being cut off. I tried to be nice about it and took all the blame on myself for this fandom friendship not working out, but that wasn't enough. I finally had to be forceful (or honest I suppose) and tell her I felt like I was being lied to because what she told me was different than what she was telling other people.

She denied it of course and was very offended.

"May God deal with me as He sees fit if I have intentionally decieved you."

This closed out one of her last FFN messages and always bothered me. Was it purposely worded like that or a Freudian slip? In hindsight, now that she's deleted everything, maybe He did just that.

I found out later that the "repetitive stress injury paired with hypermobility" in her wrists that left her unable to type for a year was not her story. See I have hypermobility in my lower body, really bad in my hips. In talking to her, a lot of what she said didn't make sense and she often wouldn't give direct answers. Later on Reddit she announced that her wrists were suddenly healed, all better now. I had no clue you could be cured of hypermobility (you can't).

When compiling the plagiarism report, I came across the AN on a story written by a close friend of hers (I was blocking all close associates). What was it about? A repetitive stress wrist injury paired with hypermobility. It looked like it went up during the time we were talking.

She told me one thing about why she left her job in the AO3 comments. Then she used my own AN about why I left teaching (internal school politics) to come up with a different reason for leaving education on FFN that honestly made no sense to me but I didn't question her. She then told Reddit something different.

There were other instances where she took someone else's story and claimed it as her own real-life tale. Some of this was public, too. Either she thought no one would pick up on it, or she thought she could say anything she wanted and not be held accountable. I don't know.

Then there was the drive to push me out of the fandom using what weaknesses she knew I had to do it. Looking back, she was very good at it. Too good for it to be the first time she'd done this to someone. She claimed I was the first person since high school she'd had drama with and the first ever online. I highly doubt that now.

I had Cameos from Tony Quinn and had spoken to him in dms. I mentioned these to her, and she insisted on seeing them. I didn't want to share them. They were special to me with a lot of personal things said. But I was selfish by not sharing, right? So, I gave in, edited out the personal stuff, and sent them to her.

Immediately I regretted it.

As soon as she indicated she's seen them, I deleted them. Then she said she hadn't seen part of one and none of the others, could I send again? I ended up making an excuse as to why I couldn't - too much personal info. Truthfully, I had the inexplicable fear she was going to take the videos and claim them as her own.

You see, she didn't care anything about Tony whom I've been a big fan of since 1994 when we first started talking. He was just some old guy to her. Until she found out how much I liked him. Then suddenly she was his biggest fan and just had to meet him because he was so wonderful. They lived in the same state after all. Oh, but don't worry I would get to meet him too someday for sure, she told me... on the other side of heaven. 🙄

When I told my friend about this one, she said to cut contact.

(Ironically, by the time we started talking, Tony had already moved back to my home state, where he and his wife are from. Learned that from his Pod Meets World interview that came out a month after we stopped talking. I cried-laughed the first time I listened to the interview.)

She liked to point out how old I was. I never told her, she did the math and figured it out she said. She was wrong, but it didn't matter. She was aware of personal insecurities and liked to push this one. I told her things I should not have but I was desperate for another friend and I convinced myself that all the warning sirens I was hearing in my head was just anxiety.

Towards the end of our time talking on Discord, she had started the subtle dismantling of my confidence in AiP. I was very aware that my work was outside of the norm for the fandom at the time and was often insecure about it. With little feedback at the time, I didn't know what to do.

It's a trilogy, split it into three parts maybe, so the word count isn't so intimidating?

She told me the story was too long, and even splitting it into three parts wouldn't help- no one reads sequels or will go back to read the first parts. On the other hand, no one would be interested in giving it a chance because of the length. Also, the story wasn't healing- and that is why people read, you know. Her attitude toward Audrey grew chilly and very, "she's an OC, people don't like OC main characters." This was a drastic departure from her comments on AiP.

Then she started bragging about how well her story was doing and all the comments she got. Fans were just begging her for more.

After I cut contact, she blocked me on Reddit and purposely took over the Jon and Jon and Shawn threads so I couldn't participate. This continued until I blocked her. She didn't like having her participation limited.

Blocks on both sides were lifted for awhile. I wish I hadn't lifted mine. But I had been so looking forward to season 2 of PMW and wanted to talk to others about it and Mr. Turner. I thought I could handle dealing with her more out there takes.

During this time, I noticed a sharp drop in interaction on my stories.

Readers not from Reddit or FFN disappeared. I always wondered about the timing. Readers gushed over her, though, and several indicated they were talking to her on Discord, too.

She knew how much fandom connection meant to me and took every opportunity to flaunt hers, whether in her comments or on Reddit. She had a thing for following me around and posting where I did, including on other people stories.

I mentioned this feeling of being left out and wondering if there was a Discord server for BMW I didn't know about. She said there was none she knew of and told me no one wanted to talk about BMW in a discord server anyway. All the people she talked to were uncomfortable with that. They only wanted to talk to her privately.

Turns out that was another lie.

Not only did I find that people wanted a discord server, in a comment thread with her and another reader about wanting to discuss head canon offsite, one of those readers "uncomfortable with discord servers" created one of their own and dropped a link inviting them to it some months before that conversation.

It wasn't the existence of a private server that bothered me so much. If there was, there was. It was the way she told me: everyone wanted her, nobody wanted me.

Had it not been for readers alerting me to the stolen work, I would never have known any of this. I'd still be wondering why the fanfiction side of the fandom wanted little to do with me when I sincerely tried to give back as much as I got and tried to welcome/encourage writers, especially new Jon & Shawn writers.

Then she contacted me on Christmas Eve 2022 on Reddit. After I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with her. As always, I was too nice. I still blamed myself and the anxiety for everything that happened. She offered friendship and apologies and then abruptly ripped the offer away when I expressed having reservations. When I didn't do what she wanted, she got mean.

Admittedly, her hurtful words about having "tons" of fandom friends to talk to when I didn't upset me. Since she liked to talk about God and being a Christian, I shot her some Bible verses about words and told her how cruel she was.

That didn't go over well.

Later I felt bad about it. Maybe I was too harsh, too judgemental, too sensitive. Blaming my anxiety for my reaction, I stupidly reached out on Valentine's Day 2023 to try to make peace with her.

She was even meaner and now saying she was afraid of me. She said I had hurt her so much she couldn't trust me. She admitted that she'd hurt me too but wouldn't say how, just that we kept hurting each other, so she was too scared to talk to me.

What?

I was talking about her, she claimed. And that was too much. She couldn't take the pain and stress of being talked about online. Oh, and her depression was worse and she struggled more, so what I was going through didn't matter.

Did I talk about her online?

In the aftermath of the Discord chats, I was angry she wouldn't leave me alone when asked. I resented her trying to push me out of a fandom I've been in since I was a little kid. I vented my frustration by making a wildest opinion that fans had heard over the years post on Reddit. Mine was that Jon was a coward for letting Shawn go back to Chet. I never named her or how I'd heard this opinion. I didn't think she was even still around the subreddit.

She outed herself.

I think the biggest problem with the post was that no one agreed with her take. I deleted the post not long after it was made and apologized to her for it later, but it wasn't good enough.

The next thing wasn't even about her. I told her that when she contacted me on Reddit. Someone had posted about having to block someone online and why. I responded sympathetically, referencing something that had happened before I met her. She refused to accept that my comment wasn't about her. Of course, I was talking about her, how could I not be?

Everything was about her no matter what the topic was.

But these were the terrible things I did to her that made her afraid of me. She couldn't come up with anything else. Turns out what she was really afraid of was that I would find out what she was doing and what she was telling others.

For 16 months I was so stressed and depressed that I started having panic attacks again. @lizettevanessa and later @mrsmungus virtually held my hand and talked me through these. They spent hours trying to help me calm down and get me to think rationally over that time.

I have type 1 diabetes and stress is a killer for me. Throughout this ordeal, my blood sugar was stuck at over 300 for hours on end and it seemed that no matter how much insulin I used it wasn't enough. And then the bottom would fall out and my blood sugar crashed. It was a never-ending cycle of trying to bring down highs and bring up lows. This led to stomach problems, constant migraines, and eventually hair loss. I had so many nights where I couldn't sleep. I was so depressed I couldn't work out and I couldn't cope with online or rl situations that shouldn't have been a big deal.

It also triggered the ED.

I hadn't had a relapse in years.

Online I was always looking over my shoulder wondering if the people in fandom were being honest with me or if they were pretending to be my friend while reporting back to her. I know for a fact one person in the BMW server was doing this. I know at least a couple of readers/friends were involved and that she created alts impersonating others.

Trying to run an inclusive, welcoming fandom server while trying to protect myself was a nightmare.

I honestly can't put into words how much damage she did. It was only because of my chaos family and sis @mrsmungus that I didn't quit everything. No exaggeration. I came very close several times to deleting over 20 years of work and history because of her.

What I've just told you is a just a part of what I've dealt with since late 2022.

The worst part is I think she'd be pleased to know how effective her tactics were. I don't know what was going on in her life that drove her to do this. I don't know if she is just that jealous, entitled, and petty a person or if she was lashing out because of something done to her and this was the only way she could get revenge- by going after an easy target and inflicting the same hurt she'd suffered.

What did she gain by doing all of this? If if I had left the fandom, what was the end goal? There were/are a lot of Jon and Shawn adoption writers out there. Would she drive them out to so she could be the BNF of BMW?

I've been in online fandom for over 20 years and I've learned that fandom is cyclical. Favorite tropes, characters, etc. change over time, falling out of favor and then becoming popular again. It would be a full-time job plus overtime trying to stay on top.

As for me, all she had to do is admit where her inspiration came, just once, just a note. Instead, she chose to lie, manipulate, and harass me just so she didn't have to admit it.

It's incredibly stupid if you stop to think about it.

But she is gone now and all of that is gone with her.

I don't know what happened that made her nuke everything and I do not care. It doesn't matter.

I used to want that story rewritten or gone. But in all honesty, I am ecstatic to see she's gone.

Good riddance.

Looking back, I get the feeling she is a very privileged person who has been sheltered from having to deal with the consequences of her actions for a long time and not just online.

Going back over all the private correspondences with her, the ones she had a with a mutual reader that were sent to me, and her response to AO3 that was removed by staff, in them is a trend in claiming something awful happened to her making it impossible for anything to be her fault when confronted with something negative. Flu, injury, baby, computer theft, ID theft, etc. There was always an excuse. She was always the victim.

She got away with it until she didn't.

I really do hope she deals with whatever caused her to act this way. It's terrible for those who cross her path who aren't her constant cheerleader, but it's worse for her in the end.

You can't be like that and be happy.

You know what is sad?

She's actually a talented writer. She could have taken that story and really done something special with it. The foundation was there. She could have taken Ashley and made her into a fully developed, living, breathing character who could have shaped her family unit in a way that didn't look anything like mine even if the same basic elements were there. It would have been so easy for her to do. Instead, she picked what she wanted from mine, minced it up, and harassed me over what she was doing.

AO3's verdict on my report, which was still out a year later, no longer matters since she deleted everything.

If by chance Kaylie is reading this or does read this someday, let me be very clear: Do not think I feel sorry for you in any way. Do NOT contact me for any reason, not even to apologize. Do not come at me with new accounts anywhere. I do not care if it's ten years from now. I want nothing to do with you.

Yet out of all this mess, there were some incredible things that came of it. Because of her behavior, it drove me to get involved with fanfiction outside of the fandom and find my online family. If I had the chance to go back in time and avoid her, but it meant not finding my family, I'd decline. Her nonsense was worth finding them.

Because of her, I did become afraid to get involved with fandom people and very nearly missed meeting someone who is very dear to me. @justanotherpersonwhowrites posted her story on FFN and I completely panicked when I saw the description of her OC. Thankfully she posted on Tumblr and AO3 later on as I was finding my family. I reread her story and fell in love with her OC. I got up the courage to reach out and I am so glad I did. She is an amazing person, a talented writer, and an incredible friend.

Also the BMW discord server happened because of Kaylie. I didn't want others to be isolated from the fandom like I was and Reddit is good for some things but not others. Not only is it an archive for the show but a place for fans to find each other. It is also a safe place for fanfiction writers to get together.

So what happens now?

Autumn in Philadelphia will go on, without a doubt. And I will be picking up my other stories that were more lighthearted and fun. I have a series of Jondrey one shots that I really want to do too. A lot fun stuff and art. I'll be more active on here and in the BMW server.

The AN that's on every story will be changed to link to this post.

As for blocks, they will remain for now.

The reason is I've been through too many bouts of silence only for her to resurface. Although she can't return in the same way, I don't know that she doesn't still have former readers acting as her eyes and ears. Eventually all blocks will be lifted except on those I know to be her friends because she named them as such.

I still have the report, the screencaps (soooo many screencaps), all her messages, and a copy of that story. I took screenshots of all the places she used to exist but doesn't anymore because it still doesn't seem real. I thought about purging everything, but they are now a part of AiP's history. Someday I'll get around to building that neocities site as a tribute to the era this all began in and I will include everything: the fantastic, the strange, and the nightmarish.

I want to extend my eternal gratitude to one of my dearest friends, @lizettevanessa, to my sis @mrsmungus, to little sis @justanotherpersonwhowrites, to @lena-hills @kayedium-writes @hylianjo @sliebman10 @axolotlsupremacyowo @udaberriwrites @fattybattysblog @narcissasdaffodil @danceswithdarkspawn and the rest of my Chaos family for your love and support during the past two years. I owe you everything.

And to my readers, who've been with me whether from the beginning or just joined, THANK YOU. I love and appreciate you more than you know.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

-Aria

[newsbrand]

Autumn Lockwood🌹

[pangeen]

" The Halls of the Forest " //© William Smith

[patrebka]

imagine the scene:

Karly Konecny posts on her instagram, it’s an instagram reel. the caption is, ‘my husband calling his best friend to say good night 🤣🤍’ and the attached video is of Travis Konecny on the sofa in their home, an empty glass of wine visible and the tv on faintly in the background. he holds out his phone and puts it onto speaker. we hear the dial tone ring, and the screen is lit up with ‘calling… Pat’. Karly is giggling in anticipation. the call is answered and after a few seconds of silence, Travis says, “Pat?” and Nolan Patrick’s deep monotone replies, “what’s up?” Travis is smiling gleefully as he says, “nothing bud, just calling to say good night!” he and Karly chuckle, awaiting Nolan’s response. but no response comes, we just hear heavy breathing. then, after a few awkward seconds, Nolan says shakily, “you what?” “I was just thinking of you! I’m going to sleep soon and I just wanted to say good night!” Travis says. Nolan breathes for a few more seconds, and then we hear some rustling, almost like he’s adjusting his clothing. like, pulling down his pants, for example. “you’re in bed?” he asks. “about to be,” Travis says. Nolan hums, and we hear more shuffling. “where’s Karly?” he asks, voice still flat and low but with an obvious edge of anticipation or nerves. “uh, she’s out,” Travis lies, and he shrugs and makes a face at the camera to indicate that he’s not sure what’s going on, which Karly just laughs at. “what are you wearing?” Nolan asks, breathing heavily again, and then there’s a strange noise. like, skin on skin, a soft slapping noise, almost. Travis lurches back from his phone and looks at Karly with shock in his eyes. she pans the camera down to TK’s discarded phone on the sofa, the strange noises still coming out of it. then, a pause. “you still there?” Nolan asks quietly. “yeah. yeah, uh, it was just, like, a prank, Pat,” Travis says awkwardly. “it’s, like, a tiktok thing. Karly’s here.” “hi Pat!” she says cheerily. “oh.” Nolan says, all sounds of movement stopped. there’s a few more seconds of silence and then the call is dropped, Nolan’s hung up, and the video ends there.

okay. did you imagine it? because it’s real btw. this all really happened, exactly as written.

[harrisx28]

Fall at Laurel Hill in Philadelphia🍁

[oceangirl24]

I'll admit i was very angry and hurt that i was on your block list until i read your user profile. sorry you got bullied and harassed by this person. now i'm kinda of nervous of who she is because i don't think i could take 16 months of bullying.

I debated overnight if I should answer this. I am going to respond so that my readers understand what's been going on.

This ask is very typical of the type of thing the person who harassed me, and plagiarized Autumn in Philadelphia does. Since she found out about the link to the report, she has sent readers and has impersonated readers to get the link to that report which details not just the plagiarism but also her harassment.

I have had mutual readers gain my trust, participate in my BMW discord server, and pretend to be supportive through this ordeal all while relaying information to her.

She has also used her readers from other fandoms to try to do the same.

This is why I preemptively block readers who gush over her or indicate that they are in private communication with her (all of this is public information on her stories that I found while compiling my report).

Why is this ask typical of her methods to gain access to me and the report?

There is no indication to which user profile this information is on as those of you who follow me know I post on three sites.

I would think if this ask was by a legit reader and not by her or one of her friends (she is blocked on every single site I know we share as are any associates of hers that I'm aware of) I would think the reader would want me to know who they are so I can directly address them and the site they are on.

Which I would do privately.

The fact that immediate concern is about who she is also bothers me. I would assume once I named the person, they would want proof in the form of the link to the report.

That will not happen.

If this ask is from a legitimate reader or follower, then I really am sorry you've been caught in this.

To be clear: I am not upset with anyone who follows her or interacts with her works. This issue should have stayed between us but she chose to bring others into it and use them.

Even if you have been a part of this with her, I'm honestly not upset with you. I know how manipulative she is. I'm sure you thought you were helping a very sweet loving Christian writer obssessed with Jon and Shawn (aren't most of us obssessed?).

I fell for it myself. Hard.

I care about all of my readers very much, but it has come to the point where I have to protect myself.

If this is not a legitimate ask and you are doing this on her behalf or she's gotten another account, then we now stand close to 20 months of harassment.

To my readers, you know where to find me and how to interact with me that is not AO3.

I thank you for sticking with me through all of this and for supporting AiP, whether you comment or simply just read as I post.

I appreciate you more than I can say.

Aria

[oceangirl24]

Thank you. I am very much looking forward to reading this as soon as I can.

Happy New Year!

Breaking the Fourth Wall – A gift fic in a special format

Fandom: Gravity Falls

Rating: G

Summary: Something sinister lurks for the girls and Pacifica, and Audrey steps up to face the threat.

Dedicated to @mercedesaria, for her love of a 90s-2000s sitcom.

Thanks to @bonpocalypse for giving an initial read and vetting through this story!

Notes: Audrey, who is more on the forefront here, makes her first appearance in Six and Seven, in which she bullied young Nilam until Great Grunkle Ford mediates the situation. Aria wrote a review saying how she was “very partial to that name”, given she writes a series featuring Audrey whom Jonathan (rather reluctantly) takes under his wing as a teacher-student. The two grow closer over time as the events unfold. Truthfully the name was taken from Pau’s next-gen comic which features a similar flashback of Cedric being bullied by a girl of the same name. Nevertheless, I decided to flesh out Audrey more, particularly in Episode IV: Death and the Maiden, and also in this gift fic.

For this work, I took a look over a few episodes of Boy Meets World, which is a sitcom Aria based her fanfiction series Autumn in Philadelphia from, and decided to write this story in a screenplay format. Canned laughter, recorded applause… those are something you can find from a 90s/2000s sitcom, while the sitcoms of the 50s were filmed before a live audience. Other inspirations also include DuckTales 2017 episode Quack Pack (although that's more of an 80s sitcom) and Wandavision.

I had an idea of the four friends doing a social studies project on the 90s/2000s and hence they reenacted a few scenes. The one they are reenacting at the beginning is from Boy Meets World Season 2 Episode 20 Pop Quiz, as the headmaster admonishes the two students for their appalling grades. Something unsettling happens, and it turns out to be a glitchy showman from Zoe’s video app that decides to take control of this show. I debated various ways on how to deal with him before deciding upon a game show. The scene featured at the end is transcribed right from Mercedes Aria’s Autumn in Philadelphia Trilogy – Squirrelly Funerals and Nutty Neighbors.

To Aria, you’re a dear friend, and I’d like to thank you for your incredible support and the valuable feedback you’ve provided on several of my writings. As of late, I had the opportunity to delve into your own stories, which are nothing short of extraordinary especially since I garner deeper insights from watching the show. I love how you integrate your OC into the canon – how Audrey becomes a mother figure for Shawn and is a close partner of Jonathan. It’s a pleasure to have you not only as a writing friend but also as someone whose work I admire wholeheartedly. I look forward to many more exchanges of creativity in the future.

I hope you'll enjoy this gift fic. And Happy New Year!

[cixrosie]

FLY EAGLES FLYYYYYYYY

GOOOOOOOOO BIRDSSSSSSSSSSDS 🦅

[jarviskingston]

[harrisx28]

Fall in Philadelphia🍁

[oceangirl24]

Next Saudade chapter coming soon.

It's been a while. 😬

Life hasn't slowed down and my writing time is still limited. These chapters also take significantly more time to craft properly so realistically new chapters will be every two months, unfortunately.

And I've been in a slump due to somethings I've noticed recently that have really gotten to me, tbh.

Over the past year or so I've run into Jon and Shawn stories that are really good, and I've dropped a comment with replies from the authors telling me how much they love my story. Then they take an element from mine they like and do their own version. Which is cool, but then they never comment on my work. Rarely a kudos. No bookmarks. Silence.

This has been happening more and more.

I'm still dealing with the fallout from the 16-month ordeal with MrsFizzle/Kaylie Night, so I tend to be very guarded and defensive. I know most people are just writing only focused than whatever has their attention atm and aren't paying attention to how the way they present things may come off to others. But I've been reading more and stories that make me wonder- have they read AiP because...and later it becomes clear that yes, they have. But there is zero interaction with my work. Not even a kudo. All while wanting engagement on their work.

The worst of it has been very recent. I opened a new story that sound very similar to MrsFizzle story and then I got to the AN and found this:

Wow. Admittedly, I was stunned and hurt to see this. Given the MrsFizzle situation I jumped to worse case scenario- they're setting up to do the same thing she did only out right denying everything from the start. I mean, why else would you put this down?

I'll be honest. I blocked and muted all new J&S writers because I was so hurt. I don't understand why I was being treated like this when I've tried so hard to be welcoming and encouraging. I did lift those blocks and mutes because I decided to sit things out instead. I don't have much time to read and decided to give that time to authors I know appreciate it.

But this note just ate at me. Honestly, it made me want to disengage altogether and not even open new stories anymore.

I did eventually talk to the author and I am trying to believe what they told me- they just didn't put much thought into their ANs and it never occured to them that it would be seen as hurtful and throwing shade. But like I've said before I'm still struggling with trust and there were several things that made me wary, especially the explanation for the comment about the remark about what my story and username are "currently called", but I'm hoping it's just a funky wording.

But...

You know what they admitted to?

They have read AiP and they like it.

Did they tell me on AiP? No.

Did they leave a kudos? No.

Did they bookmark or sub? Not that I know of.

Do they want others to do all those things for them so they will be encouraged to keep writing? 10000000%

At least they deleted the AN. But still no kudos, no comment, nothing.

I do want to be everyone's cheerleader, but you can only pour out encouragement on others for so long before you have nothing left.

At the same time, I have several J & S stories on my bookshelf along with a few Topanga ones that I need to sit down and comment on by trusted authors and my rec list needs to be update. I still want to support fandom writers, I just need to recharge.

On that note, I am editing the next chapter which is a flashback to the Pink Flamingo Kid. I'm shooting for a March 31st update, but if you get an email on April 1st, it's not a joke, I just got delayed...again. But the update is real! lol

Many, many thanks to everyone who has been with me and reading and following along. I love you. Here's a sneek peek:

Then the Game began.

It was a surreal shift. As often as Shawn joked that living with Jon was like living in the Twilight Zone, this time if felt more like Doctor Who where they slipped into their past and were left there. Everything reverted to the way it was before Audrey became Jon’s student teacher, including the way they related to each other. Jon was not dad, roommate, brother, or uncle but something weirdly in between. Shawn was not his kid, but his student, charge, nephew, that kid he was taking care of. What the role he was depended on the situation they found themselves in.

The shift caused an imbalance in their relationship both at school, where they mostly ignored each other until Shawn did something Jon couldn’t ignore, and at home where there was constant snarking and petty arguing. Shawn should have been grateful for the shift as it made convincing those around him that he really did want to be with Chet easier, but it was hard to feel grateful for much of anything when it felt like he was trapped in a bad TV show.

One night after dinner Shawn immediately went to his room, even though the Rangers were playing, and Jon was watching the game. Hockey had lost its appeal since that was their thing back when they were father and son. As he lay on his bed staring at the ceiling, resenting everything and everyone, his gaze wandered to the posters on the wall where the calendar caught his eye.

A funny feeling settled in his stomach when he saw the date.

Chet’s birthday was tomorrow.

Shawn sighed and put his hands over his eyes as he thought about Jon’s birthday in January and the day Audrey had arranged for it: a day of stick and puck for them and a night of food and a hockey game at Jon’s favorite places in the City.

That night was ingrained in his memory as it was the first time in his life he’d done something normal for a dad’s birthday. No retrieving beers all day and then having to explain to the neighbors why Chet was standing in their yard in his boxers yelling at Virna who hadn’t been seen all week. No having to listen to confessions of crimes that might or might not have been true. No being screamed at for existing because an all-day bender had reminded Chet of how much better life was before wife and kids.

At the thought of having to go back to beer-soaked birthdays, Shawn muffled a scream in the sleeve of his shirt then rolled over, grabbed his headphones, and turned up the volume. While The Counting Crows’ Time and Time Again played, he fell asleep daydreaming up ways to convince himself that Chet was better than Jon. But the hope that Audrey would return refused to submit to the new story he created.

In the living room the hockey game played but no one was watching it.

Across the apartment from Shawn, Jon was sitting on the fire escape outside his bedroom window looking at the stars while Springsteen’s Night played on the boombox next to him. Hockey had lost some of its appeal since it had become his thing with Shawn. Not to mention the lockout had shortened the season and it was almost certain that Nordiques and Jets were a thing of the past if the teams moved south in the summer.

Everything was changing and Jon resented it.

Hockey should be the one constant. The school board had no right to ruin his life and Bettman had no right to ruin his sport. He let his mind linger on this for a while until he stopped thing about hockey and focused on the music.

“…You get up every morning at the sound of the bell. You get to work late and the boss man's giving you hell. 'Til you're out on a midnight run losing your heart to a beautiful one…

And you know she will be waiting there, and you'll find her somehow you swear. Somewhere tonight you run sad and free until all you can see is the night…”

He wasn’t trying to convince himself of anything. He was just trying not feel anything anymore.

[phillypeel]

10.19.24, Market Street, 2:27 pm

peel waiting for the bus

[emmathegrosssadhumanbeing]

Walking away from reality 🌞

[prettydaddy-halloween]

[secondsofpleasure]

liminal spaces / 10.2023

[sarahcornell]

philadelphia museum of art, october 2022

shot by sarah cornell