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lilyharvord · 7 years ago

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All the Little Horses Part 7

Week 20

You've got a heavyweight in your belly at 20 weeks pregnant (well, in baby terms, anyway). Your little champ weighs about 10 ounces and has a height, crown to rump, of about six and a half inches. Think small cantaloupe (and probably as sweet too). While your baby is definitely getting bigger, there's still plenty of growing room in there, which allows them to twist and turn (and allows you to feel those acrobatics!). You may find, a few ambivalent or anxious feelings you're even ambivalent about admitting (Me a mom? There must be some mistake!). Don't worry — and hang on. At some point in pregnancy (and usually once that pregnancy becomes a very visible reality) just about every expectant mother (and father!) begins to feel anxiety and fear as though she's on a runaway train — with enormous changes coming round the bend

I stood in the kitchen, cutting up an apple for breakfast, focusing intently on the crisp sound of the knife cutting through the fresh fruit. I’d gone to the store the other day, and had spent ninety percent of the time trying to convince Cal that we didn’t need half of the things he grabbed, and the other ten percent trying to control my desire to grab random things to make concoctions. Eating natural sugar was supposed to control my craving for other types according to my mother, but I still ended up eating ice cream at eleven at night only to groan in annoyance after a few spoonfuls and put it back. After a few minutes though, I would have the carton back out and a spoon in hand. Cal always found this little routine funny, but he constantly joined in, and told me that anything in moderation was fine. Besides, he’d tease, I was constantly walking and doing all the work outs that Ada had specified for me. At least those made me feel a little better about the massive weight that was sitting between my hips.

Cal chose that moment to leave the bedroom. He hummed to himself while he fixed his cuff links and pinned them together. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he came up behind me and pressed a light kiss on my cheek. I chuckled softly, and set the knife down, before stepping around him to grab the bottle of ketchup I had left on the counter. He glanced at it suspiciously before saying, “You put that on your apples and I swear to God, I will break off our engagement.”

Smiling wickedly at him, I uncapped the bottle and dumped it on my apples. Cal looked appalled when I lifted one of the apples slices up and bit into it then, ketchup and all. I swallowed and then sticking my tongue out at him, I said, “Go ahead, break up with me.”

Turning away he grumbled something and I smiled as I leaned my lower back against the counter and finished my apple slice. I swallowed, and revealed in how good it felt to keep food down, even if it was the most disgusting combination the world had yet to see. As I went to grab another slice, my stomach did a rapid turn, and my hand flew to my belly, which had swollen to twice its size over the past month. Cal hadn’t noticed my movement yet, and I felt the baby turn again, and place a soft kick into my hip. I smiled to myself, and ran my hand along the spot where I had felt the movement, ignoring the pains in my skin from its growth.

Cal turned around from pouring his coffee and the minute he saw my hand, his eyes dropped to my stomach and he asked, “She moving again?”

“He is moving like an Olympic gymnast, maybe we should think about enrolling him in gymnastics.” I replied with a mischievous smile. Our baby certainly seemed up to the task. It had been tossing in my stomach for days now, kicking and making its presence known, mostly in the middle of the night when I was sleeping. And just like my mother had promised, sleep was getting harder to find. I had started pressing myself up against Cal’s back so that he could feel our child’s acrobatics, but also because I liked the support now.

Just as everyone had promised me, the first few weeks of my second trimester had been fantastic, I had felt amazing, but now, everything was starting to catch up with me. My new weight now felt like a hundred pounds when it was really only ten, my ankles were swollen, and my legs felt like they might seize up at any second. Other than those though, I felt like I was actually glowing. The baby wasn’t too much of a pain yet, and I could still enjoy it, but that was going to change very soon, and I knew that.

Cal stepped toward me and setting his mug on the counter next to me, he leaned down and cupped the back of my neck to pull me in for a kiss. I smiled around the touch and whispered, “Are you going to get off work early today?”

“Most likely, why?” He replied as he set his hand on my stomach and baby kicked out against his hand, making him smile. I set my hand on top of his and grinning up at him, I whispered, “Because I want to start looking at paint for the nursery, and what we might want to do for cribs and all that. My mom told me at lunch yesterday that we better start planning now, cause it’ll be here before we know it.”

Cal seemed to glow with happiness, before pressing a kiss to my forehead and whispering, “I’ll be home by six, and I’ll bring take out. Do you want Chinese again?”

I made a face and pulled away, shaking my head. He laughed and grabbed his coffee from behind me. “Alright, I call you and ask what you want when the time comes.”

With that he grabbed his jacket and was walking out the door. I smiled and waved at him, admiring how sure he seemed about this whole thing. Where I was stumbling around, trying to balance reading baby books, and blogs about pregnancy, he seemed to just have a natural affinity for the whole topic. It made me that much more settled though. Heaven forbid if he was in a panic about this whole thing. I didn’t need to see the mess that would come out of the two of us both panicking about this.

(///)

A couple hours later in the day, I had decided that Gisa was probably more prepared for being a mother than I was, and I was having my baby in less than five months. She had insisted on me coming with her to look at canvases and paints for the painting she was going to do for the baby’s nursery.

Walking ahead of me, her arms laden with art supplies, she called over her shoulder, “Maybe you guys should do like a jungle theme? I could come in and paint trees and animals all over the room.”

Laughing at how invested she was in a room that hadn't even been decided on, I said, “I’ll add it to the list of ideas.”

She turned down another aisle, and I followed dutifully, my eyes taking in the glittering paint and colored paper. Gisa simply turned and dumped everything in the cart I had and then said, “See, I need to know what you guys are doing ahead of time so I can finish the painting.”

Shaking my head I picked up a particularly loud shade of yellow and looked it over before putting it back and sighing. My sister was in front of me in seconds her eyes observant as she asked, “Everything okay?”

I simply moved her to the side and and grabbed another bottle of paint to look at. My sister would not be ignored though. She grabbed something off the shelf and then sticking her face back in mine she asked in a sing song voice, “Oh Mare, what are you thinking?”

I laughed at the hideous ceramic mask she was holding up to her face. She had probably seen it on the shelf and had grabbed after it to go along with her silly voice. Rolling my eyes at her as she danced around my back to my other side, I teased, “You’re weird, you know that?”

She set the mask down and then stuck her tongue out before replying, “Oh please, and you aren't?”

“No, I just hide it better than you.” I laughed as I put the paint back and turned to look at the other side of the aisle. Gisa didn’t let my tone fool her though. My charades had never been good enough to get past my astute little sister. She stepped up next to me again and then asked softly, “What’s on your mind?”

I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye for a moment, but she was busy looking down at the paintbrushes that were for sale. Surely I could tell my little sister what was bothering me? Gisa had a wisdom beyond her years, she had been gifted that from a young age it seemed. I sighed softly again, wishing I had that kind of insight, before whispering, “have you ever thought your were so ill prepared for something that you were going to ruin everything?”

She raised a perfectly kept brow at my question before looking at me with a worried expression. “Mare, I dont think you’re going to be a bad mother. I think you’re going to be a great one actually.”

“As nice as it sounds coming from you, that’s not how I feel. I mean honestly Gisa, I’ve never really liked kids, you know that.” I said quickly as I started to walk along the shelves, looking at all the items there. Gisa trailed after me, like a little ray of sunshine that was slowly being covered with clouds. “But its different when it’s your kid, I see the way you get when no one’s looking. You’re always smiling down at your stomach and whispering to it. You love your baby already Mare, dont you?”

“Of course I do,” I admitted softly, and then shaking my head I continued, “But it’s not about loving it. I just... what if I can’t handle it? How the hell do you raise another human being without actually knowing what you’re doing half the time?”

Gisa shrugged and then said, “Do you honestly think mom and dad knew what they were doing half the time with us. I mean come on, they raised the five of us, and we didn’t turn out too bad.”

I chuckled, and then gave her a tiny smile as I said, “No, I guess we didn't.”

“And come on, your parenting books that you keep reading? Don’t deny that you read them, I’ve seen you. They have to at least say something about the fact that parenting is faking it till you make it ninety percent of the time.” She said with a roll of her eyes before grabbing our cart and pushing it along side me. She titled her head to the side as she leaned against the handle of the cart and reassured, “Besides, you’re not going to be perfect as a parent, no one is, but your baby’s going to love you no matter how many times you mess up.”

“Maybe you should write a parenting book.” I replied with a laugh as I slipped my arm through hers and walked next to her. Her words had certainly been reassuring. Maybe I had been going about this all wrong, maybe I should be focused less on the future and what might come, and more one what was going on right now. After all, if my baby kept growing as fast as it was, I was going to miss everything while I was busy worrying about it. Gisa shrugged at my comment, pulling me out of my thoughts, and then flicking her fiery hair over her shoulder, she said, “It’ll look into writing a series of self help books after I’m done become a major fashion designer.”

(///////)

I sank into the couch with my mug of hot chocolate, and then snuggled into Cal’s side, tucking my feet underneath me while I leaned my head on his shoulder. He was busy scrolling through a color catalogue and picking colors while I ate his leftover pasta. I sipped at my drink and then jumping to attention, I pointed to a gorgeous shade of baby blue and annouced, “That one, I want that one.”

“You can’t just pick shades of blue, Mare.” Cal replied with an annoyed huff, as he wrote down the name of the color anyway. I grinned at the fact that I was getting my way, and pressing a kiss to his cheek, I whispered, “Well, it’s a boy, so…”

“Why do you want a boy so badly?” Cal whispered, as if it were a joke, but underneath his teasing tone, I heard a hint of pain. Twisting my neck to glance up at him, I asked, “What’s wrong, why are you getting so defensive?”

“I’m not getting defensive.” He argued, but I could still hear it in his tone. Turning myself completely to face him side on, I replied, “Yes, you are, what’s going on Cal, talk to me.”

He slammed the computer closed before putting in on the table and standing up. My back straightened immediately and mug ace heated as he shouted, “I just don’t want a son, there’s nothing else to it!”

Gripping my mug tighter in my hands, I hissed, “No there is, or you wouldn’t be acting like this.”

His hands closed into fists at his side, before he threw his arms up and shouted, “You want to know why, fine. I don’t want a son, because I’m terrified that I’m going to be exactly like my father with him.”

I sat in stunned silence, confusion written all over my features. He sat down heavily next to me, and buried his head in his hands as he mummbled, “I just want my kid to be happy, to know that no matter what choices they make, I love them, and that it’s okay for them to not agree with me. But I’m so worried, because everyday I feel like I’m becoming more and more like my father.”

I set my mug down quietly on the table. Slowly I scooted closer to him, and wrapped my arms around his middle before setting my head on his shoulder. “Cal, why didn’t you tell me you felt this way?”

“You were worrying enough as it was, and I... and I figured this feeling would pass eventually.” He whispered as he slowly tried to pull away. I held him tighter though, and whispered, “You know, Gisa told me something really profound today.”

He snorted and then murmured, “She does that on a daily basis I feel like.”

“She’s wise beyond her years, thats for sure,” I replied, my lips pulling up in a solemn smile before I continued, “She told me that we’re not going to be perfect parents, no one can be, but no matter what happens, our baby will love us, and we will love it.”

Turning his head slightly to look at me, he said, “I doubt our kid will love me if I tell him how to live every aspect of his life.”

I set my chin on his shoulder and smiling I replied, “No one likes being told what to do, but I think we do what we think is right for the kid. It’ll be our job to take care of this baby and to help it so that it doesn't go through the same hardships that we went through.”

He turned his head slightly to press his forehead against my own as he whispered, “What would I ever do without you?”

“Probably nothing.” I replied with a light laugh. Inside of me, the baby somersaulted again, and I smiled even wider as I buried myself in Cal’s arms.

#all the little horses #modern au #red queen #glass sword #kings cage #marecal #i love them #and this things is now so much bigger than I thought #the eternal ship #atlh

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