#As a survivor of childhood adversity and unstable parenting.

[grimaldiapologist]

There's also the repeat references to their father's cruelty towards them. They did not get an upbringing which would foster care for anyone but each other. I'm looking at this from a perspective that makes this personally stand out to me, but while subtle, there is a very significant narrative with the two of prolonged childhood trauma, which has had them in a survival mode their whole lives.

Then their father is no longer there and for the first time, they're not fearing the consequences of breathing wrong. The only thing they've learned through and through is that they have no one else but each other, and combined with their other damage, this has become to the exclusion of everybody else - a trait you do not want to see in an emperor. Put two of them together, and they'll end up in a self-perpetuating cycle of becoming the worst of themselves, because their sole meaningful audience can always only make them worse.

With Caracalla's illness, he is constantly further pushing Geta out of any potential other path that he had. Most of Geta's rule consists of trying to stop his brother from self-destructing through his uncontrollable behaviour and catering to his desires to keep him stable/satisfied. Despite this, throughout the film, he shows some promise: he asks Caracalla first, for example, when deciding the fate of a gladiator. A surprise to no one, Caracalla tells him he'd like to "see some blood", but this is clearly not the answer that Geta wanted to hear, so he asks Lucille also, under the guise of her being their guest. She tells him to show mercy - and he does.

Later, take this with a grain of salt since I've only seen the movie once (fixing this in a couple hours however so if I'm utterly wrong maybe I'll come back to correct myself here), Geta is the one who hesitates on initially commanding Acacius's death, when the crowd shows such preference for him. Surely - he ends up calling for it with his whole chest when disobeyed, but there is a moment there where he thinks, this is not the right choice to make.

But what Geta is above all other things, is a survivor of childhood abuse who made it his purpose to protect his weaker brother. Shoved into a position of ultimate power, he does not change from this. And Caracalla, at this point, simply is not capable of being more to him than someone he desperately needs to retain his sense of safety and stability in a world which is unpredictable and uncaring toward him. The only person he loves, and trusts to truly love him in return, even if the glimpses to that side of him are slipping from their hands by the day.

While in his role as the emperor and his brother's primary and only caretaker, what Geta ends up doing is look for a father figure. Someone who could advice him in the matters of the realm - but who also cares for him, and would provide safety and stability both for himself and Caracalla. They are VERY young men who never had the experience of being protected, or being kindly guided through their responsibilities. They are surrounded by sycophants and enemies. They latch onto and immediately trust the only person in their circle who, they think, shows them genuine care and concern. Who becomes a true friend. The fact that Geta ultimately asks for Macrinus to be the one to go talk to Caracalla, to calm him down, and then for the second time that night asks him for help helping his brother when things are going very wrong? That takes an insane amount of sincere trust from him - Caracalla is his primary responsibility, but with Macrinus around, he begins to trust that maybe he does not have to be alone with that responsibility, and maybe, for the first time, he can allow himself to think of his empire, too.

They are incredibly naive and desperate for protectors and parents. It's easy to see with Caracalla, whose illness makes his behaviour lapse so often to regression and childlike states. But Geta is by no means any better.

This all, of course, followed by the disclaimer that Geta's still a monster in the making who is seen to clearly enjoy and delight in the suffering of others, and will not hesitate to call for the heads of those who do wrong against him. But he shows that he is capable of second-guessing these instincts. The reason he rarely does is that he has no one who cares about him and who could help him choose another path, and as much as he remains the stronger and more coherent brother, Caracalla is the only person who he can allow himself to fully, unconditionally love, and whom he feels connected with. And Caracalla's judgement will always be "I'd like to see some blood".

They could have been better, though. If they didn't grow up raised by fucking wolves.

From the way Geta and Caracalla reacted to Acacius' and Lucilla's betrayal to their fear of the people's wrath against them, you can really tell how young and inexperienced these two really were.

Yes, they had an almost complete disregard of their subjects needs and, yes, they were heading straight to madness but there is also a tragedy to their stories. They were given great power at a young age, Caracalla's mind was all but gone and Geta showed signs of an unhinged character. They had no one to rely on except each other and seemed eager to have someone that they can trust.

But their madness also makes you wonder, how much of it can also be blamed on their position? These two would probably have different demeanors (and most certainly different fates) if they had never become Emperors which makes you realize how power can truly corrupt and destroy people and even display their true characters.

[grimmradiance]

Close to Me: How the Hollow Knight's Fighting Style Reflects Their Trauma (and the Radiance's as well)

So I've been trying to actually beat the Radiance, which means I've been fighting the Hollow Knight. A lot, as a matter of fact, since I'm beans at this game sometimes. I've also been thinking about @lost-kinn's meta about how fighting styles are how Vessels, especially the Little Knight, communicate.

In trying to apply this to the Hollow Knight, I've been coming to some very interesting conclusions, especially taken in context of...Everything Else in the lore, and Everything Else implicated in this by the psychology of it.

There's a lot to cover here, and it tracks through a LOT of different places, including trauma psychology, the relationship between chronic stress and lifespan health, and shape symbolism. Two warnings first:

One: this essay is gonna get heavy. It includes fine-grained discussion of the Hollow Knight's trauma, including discussions of the real-life machanics of psychological abuse, as well as the Extremely Concerning Implications of them harming themself during their boss fight. please read with caution and when you're in a safe emotional place to do so.

Two: This post is not a place for justifying the Pale King. If you read this essay in its entirety and still want to do that, please make your own post; my relationship to the Hollow Knight themself is deeply rooted in my own experiences, so in the context of this discussion I can't promise I won't take it personally.

With that out of the way, let's talk trauma and fighting styles:

We know that the Hollow Knight is trained to be a paragon of fighting skill, through the Pure Vessel fight, and this gives us a fantastic way to compare what they were like before they were made Government Assigned Radiance Jail, and after. Or, in other words, we're given the perfect opportunity to see what the Radiance is doing (i.e. context effects), and what Hollow is (i.e. what we can conclude is reliably consistent as a part of them). Listed here, for reference:

Hollow's attacks:

Three slashes

A dash slash

A Radiant Shade Soul, which launches a volley of Infection blobs in arcs

A Radiant Desolate Dive, which produces pillars of entwined Void and Light at random intervals

The Infection bursting out of them in random arcs, covering a significant amount of the aerial space of the arena

The Radiance ragdolling their body around trying to hit the Knight

Contact damage from them stabbing themself and falling over atop you

The Pure Vessel's attacks:

Three slashes

A dash slash

A Pure Shade Soul, which launches a volley of nails in straight lines

A Pure Desolate Dive, which produces nails at specific intervals

A Pure Focus, which causes circular explosions across most of the aerial space in the arena

Lashing out with a Void Arm (word choice intentional)

I've highlighted attacks from each battle that are different, since those are our points of interest here. In addition, both the Pure Vessel and Hollow are exceedingly fond of teleport-spamming in a way that is usually reserved for a specific group of bosses.

Another very important distinction between these two fights: the Pure Vessel doesn't scream. Well, they certainly try to, but no sound comes out. No voice to cry suffering, after all. All of these points have a lot to go into, so let's address them one at a time.

All That Remains: Theoretical Background On The Significance Of Constants

Making comparisons across time is important specifically because humans (and human-like bugs) change. Most personality traits aren't set in stone--they exist as an interaction of someone's internal tendencies, their experiences, and their environment. Speaking of those last two points, not all experiences and environments are created equally. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs for short) are known to have lifelong implications for a child's health, both physically and mentally. These are events that are so stressful or stressful for so long that they exceed a child's ability to cope and become toxic stress (yes, that's the term in the literature, because it actively damages your organs). They compound, as well--the stress of one ACE makes it harder for a child to cope with another, especially if they overlap.

Some examples of ACEs? Being exposed to physical danger or the threat of physical danger, deprivation of normal social relationships with peers of a similar age, being forcibly seperated from family members, witnessing a loved one being hurt or killed, chronic illness in oneself or a family member, neglect of a child's emotional needs....

Poor fucking Holly. It's a miracle they didn't disintegrate under the pressure. The only other option is that they bent and adapted under that much stress--in other words, most of their personality has been forcibly reshaped by what they've gone through. Anyone who has up-close experience with parentification or complex child abuse already knows: this was by design. I'm not saying the intent was to traumatize the Pure Vessel past several points of no return, but the intent definitely was to reshape their personality for the purpose of being The Vessel. We only see them (the Pure Vessel) in battle after this process is mostly or entirely complete, but we do see them a few times beforehand. I'd like to draw attention to the Path of Pain cutscene right now.

I've seen people talking about the look the Vessel and the King share as a sign that TPK really does love his child. That might be true, but it's definitely not relevant when it comes to how abuse works. This is, in fact, exactly how the cycle of abuse uses affection as a tool. Long periods of abuse or neglect, smoothed over by small periods of affection that placate the survivor? That's textbook love bombing, the kind that forms stubborn trauma bonds and facilitates unhealthy dependency. Forgive me for not giving the Higher Being of knowledge and prescience the benefit of the doubt on that one. (/s)

Team Cherry knows about the importance of parallels and dissonance. There's a reason the music in the second phase of the Hollow Knight fight plays in the Path of Pain. There's a reason it cuts out the moment the battle with the Kingsmoulds is over, instead of at the room transition. There's a reason it doesn't cut out in the Black Egg. Actually, there's two potential reasons, which could also coexist: either little Hollow trusts the Pale King to keep them safe, even after the borderline torture that they were just subjected to, or big Hollow is so hypervigilant that they're in full functioning-through-trauma mode even while they're at death's door.

If you don't see how much the Pale King scarred his child at this point, I'm not sure we were playing the same game.

Walking the Straight Line: How the Pale King's Teachings Show In the Pure Vessel

The Pale King loves order and control. Everything about the White Palace and every decision we see him make implies this. Everything is spotless white walls and well-maintained gardens; the only signs of disorder are hidden away, either in his workshop or in The Pit™. This also reflects in the Pure Vessel's title--pure as in holy, but also pure as in without flaw. Considering the Nailsmith's emotional state after completing the Pure Nail, TPK's fate with his Perfect Controlled Kingdom, and the Godmaster ending as a whole, attaining perfection is not a good thing in any sense.

We know the Hollow Knight isn't perfect--that's the whole catalyst for the plot. But considering their upbringing and their fighting style as the Pure Vessel, their imperfections absolutely kill them emotionally. I'll spare the lecture on how perfectionism affects neurodivergent kids even more severely than neurotypical kids, if only to keep this post to a reasonable length (look up "twice-exceptional children" if you'd like to know the theory I'm glossing over in more depth). But, in essence, the deck is doubly stacked against them--they have a higher goal to reach, and far more obsctacles in their path, including their own emotional scars.

I've already discussed how Hollow isn't meant for this kind of stress in a physical sense in other posts. They're not prepared for it emotionally, either--the Pale King wants perfection, and they can't even stand up straight (every spoonie in the audience already knows how exhausting people's obsession with Standing Up Straight is). There's another page on their stack of emotional baggage, even BEFORE you consider that the Pure Vessel knows their perfection is what bought them a ticket out of the Abyss.

Bringing Teleportation To A Sword Fight: Where The Pure Vessel Reveals Their Fears

How else are they going to cope with that need for perfection, that need to prove themselves worthy of the reason their life was spared, by being flawless in any way they can? Being a mechanical, flawless fighter puts so much pressure on them, both literally (repetitive strain injuries fucking HURT) and figuratively--if you're predictable, the only sure way to win is to mop the floor with your opponents before they figure you out. Hell, that's the way most people play their first run of Hollow Knight, by throwing themselves at the bosses over and over until they figure out the patterns. That strategy is inherently going to fail against an opponent that's, say, an immortal higher being.

There's no way that the Vessel didn't figure this out, and yet none of their TPV specific attacks are positioned randomly--the nails are always evenly spaced, and the Focus explosions are always in a specific height region of the screen. That's clinging to survival strategies even when they become maladaptive in its purest form.

Another dip into psychological theory: let's talk about disorganized attachment. Attachment styles describe how someone's relationships to their main caregiver(s) influence their understanding on relationships in general. Disorganized attachment is a result of an upbringing of inherently unstable parent-child relationships, where there's no way of a child predicting whether an adult is going to be delighted to see them, ambivalent, upset, or otherwise. If my parent woke up some days saying "all right my child, time for the Infinite Buzzsaws Obstacle Course," I'd be the same way. In adulthood this manifests as an inability to form a stable sense of self-concept as well as concepts of others. Mission accomplished, TPK, there's no will to break if you broke it yourself.

This is where the fighting styles as communication comes in--Hollow needs to keep Ghost at a distance to fight, but also wants to be closer to their sibling (the only being who has a chance of understanding what they've been through), BUT also has a trauma-rooted fear of attaching to people, as their experiences with attachment are inherently unpredictable and dangerous. Hence, both the teleportation that doesn't seem to match their fighting style any more reliably than "aim at the thing attacking you" and the second attack unique to the Pure Vessel--they're quite literally lashing out in pain to push people away. There's a reason that attack is so reminiscent of the Thorns of Agony.

Of note is that Holly does seem to teleport like the bugs of the Soul Sanctum do (favoring the edges of a screen, rather than going wherever like Dream Warriors do), which makes sense--they're the most obvious answer to the question "how did they learn how to teleport, anyways?" However, Sanctum bugs have abilities designed to capitalize on this, like homing spells and slashes from above. I can only assume this means that someone saw Holly's proficiency with the nail and assumed it translated to other forms of combat, and didn't feel the need to give them at least a bit of a primer on how to make the best use of it. There's another tally for the Hollow Knight as an autism metaphor.

Trauma Bonds: How the Radiance Speaks Through Hollow

Now, we're back to the Black Egg, and two people stuck in the same sinking ship. The thing that makes this hurt so badly is that Holly and the Radiance are at complete cross purposes here, and yet they both want the same thing:

They both want out, no matter the cost. For the Radiance, this means forsaking the pacifistic nature of the moths and nuking Ghost personally.

For Hollow, this means forsaking the way they were raised and everything that was bludgeoned into their personality: the only way out is to fail, give up control, and trust that Ghost will do what needs to be done.

Imagine how much pain they're in to actually go for it. Going against a literal lifetime of conditioning is something that takes the average person years to even consider, let alone go through with. It's a form of learned helplessness--if you try to break free and fall, again and again, it actively discourages further attempts. Breaking through learned helplessness is an interesting process, because it generally involves re-establishing a sense of control by recalling previous events where the person was able to change their situation.

Which, as far as we know of, are nothing but traumatic memories for Hollow. It's very unlikely that they'd break through it on their own, but we know they have by the time we see the second phase of their fight. This is them at their most desperate: the same music as the Path of Pain, the way they let, or can't stop, the Radiance throw their body around, the way they actively try to let the Radiance out by stabbing themself.

You'd think that giving up and learned helplessness are inherently compatible, but when giving up both goes against your core personality, and involves your active participation, they're in direct opposition. So either Holly was able to process all their trauma by themself (which I doubt, judging by how much effort the player has to go through to even see Ghost's and Hollow's traumatic memories), or someone gave them a nudge or three in that direction.

Considering that there's been someone living in Holly's head who has a vested interest in them Not Doing Their Duty, I think we know who. And the thing is, I think we watch Hollow have this breakthrough during their battle. Imagine for the first time in decades, at least, you can move. You're in pain from being in the same position, probably hallucinating from sensory deprivation, with an infection sucking at what strength your body has left. And there's this little creature who looks ready to fight you, who seems to have let you go for that exact purpose.

And you look down, and both you and the Radiance recognize them from a place rooted deeper than consciousness, in the murky depths of trauma. You see the other Vessel who just as easily could have been you, and who looks so much stronger for not being you, for being an imperfect, willful creature. And the Radiance sees history threatening to repeat itself, another one of the Wyrm's cursed children seeking to lock her away once more.

What else do you do when you're triggered? You scream, and you go on instinct, and you retreat into your head. Those first blows, with the epic music? That's the Vessel the Pale King forged, the fighting machine that will endure unimaginable stress because it knows no other way. What snaps you back out of dissociation? Usually, either the passage of the triggering stimulus, or an even more relevant stimulus (severe pain from getting beaten up by a nail, for example).

The tragedy is this: we know this isn't a triumph. I think most of us went into that fight the first time, knowing we'd be putting the Hollow Knight out of their misery. The music turns tragic, Hollow screams, and then we see the Radiance and Hollow themself break through: the Radiance trying to fight Ghost directly with the resources she has, and Hollow trying to help her along.

For what it's worth, Hollow even had the right idea, when it came to letting themself rest while helping Ghost stop the madness their father started--they were just digging for the Radiance in the wrong place. The dynamic between the Radiance and the Hollow Knight is something I could write on for pages and pages, but this has gone on for long enough. Tune in next time, where I'll presumably talk about this same topic but in reverse with regards to the Radiance.

[adlerianfrog-blog]

A Family in Crisis

June 2017 Family Systems Studies 

This is a graduate studies self-reflection presentation in partial fulfillment for Masters of Fine Art in Psychology with an emphasis in family systems and Marriage and Family Therapist licensure.

This was the life I started with.

Family System Genogram Reflection

Section One

Index Person (IP) is a 45-year-old, twice divorced mixed race male. IP is a decorated combat veteran. IP served with the US Navy from 1991-2010. IP has **six combat deployments as a Navy SEAL, his final combat deployment was OEF-1 in Afghanistan (Dec 2001-July 2002). (**Every deployment a Navy SEAL makes is a combat deployment)

At the time of this writing, IP is presently attending graduate school. IP states he is of mixed ethnic descent. IP does not know his actual birth date. He stated that in an early childhood recollection, he asked his mother when his birthday was and she said, “When would you like your birthday to be?” IP states “I said”, “Today!” and per him, his mother smiled and said, “Voila! Today is your birthday!” IP states that “Finding my birth certificate was impossible.” IP states, “The state of Georgia issued me a replacement based on the information the state of Kentucky provided, which was provided to them by me or the child protective services social worker.”

Per the Index Person this typified his style of life and movement. He stated that this was “Circularity defined; I found out on October 6th, 1975/6/7 that my birthday was, October 6th and per my birth certificate, I was born in 1971 on Oct. 6th.”  IP experienced abandonment by biological father, a forced cut off, pseudo abandonment from mother due to court system involvement. Client states “I do not know my biological father or his family system.” And that “I know very little about my family of origin.” Client states he is cut off from adopted family as well. Client has three children from first marriage to T.W. (46). Daughter (16), Son (13), Son (11). Client’s children have lived on the east coast with their mother and her second husband since moving away four years ago. IP’s kids visit during 2 ½ month summer breaks and holiday breaks if budget supports travel expenses.

Attachment Prefracture

IP states he was born in 1971 in Tifton, GA. IP states “I lived on the streets; homeless; for the first six years of my life.” Index Person states from birth until approx. 1977 “I didn’t know that my life experience was any different than anyone else. We spent a lot of time on the road. Hitchhiking, sleeping under cars. Stealing food to survive.”

IP states, “As I think back to my earliest childhood recollections I remember being adored. I remember my mother singing to me and how her eyes would light up with delight as I would sing along with and eventually to her.” IP describes his family of origin She was educated at Julliard in New York City. Per IP, the name of his mother is Mary Elizabeth Catron. IP states that he has two half-brothers. D.G. (62, Married, 2 daughters), R.G. (58,Married, 1 daughter). Mary Catron (deceased 1987) is the daughter of Mr. James Catron (deceased), a minister and Family Medicine Dr. who died at the age of 56 of congestive heart failure and Alberta Catron (deceased), an English school teacher died at the age of 92.

Mrs. Catron had a brother, Jimmy (deceased), who was disabled with cerebral palsey from a breached delivery at birth.  Client states “I absolutely know that I was loved very much by my mother.” And that “While she absolutely loved me, took care of me as best she could, per the social norms of the day, my mother was not a good mother.” Client presents tearful demeanor with deep sadness emerging. Client states “She had difficulty in finding and keeping work; Providing a stable home environment proved to be the hardest thing for my mother to do; Ultimately that ended up as the reason that her rights as my only known parent were forever stripped 41 years ago.

Attachment Fracture

From the age of 6 until 9 Index Person states he was a “ward of the state.” He “quickly transitioned from unstable living situation with my mother to a more stable environment, a solidly middle class lifestyle awaited me.” Per IP “In 1977 the efforts that were made to help children like me were more than likely personality driven and community values oriented.” He further states that, “the decision was made to strip my mother of her parental rights because of our living situation.” Client states “the relationship was broken with my mother; My one and only caregiver.”

Per Mr. Surmont, “The relationships that I did have were remarkable in that I came out ‘pretty much unscathed’. I wasn’t damaged by not having enough clothes or toys or even a place to call home. The damage was the termination of my relationship with my mother. The forced “cut-off” has had a psychic effect on my that has and will continue to ripple and echoes across generations of lives. That’s been the source of damage for affecting me into my present-day life.”  

The literature speaks to the importance of validation and empathy when working with trauma survivors. “We must appreciate the adaptive & resilient strategies developed by families who are not part of privileged groups in our society.” (McGoldrick, 2016)

Per Mr. Surmont, “I’m continuing to deepen my own understandings and meanings into the importance, value and worth of intact relationships. My attitude is that relationships are critical to survival. Cut-off relationships make it difficult to survive be free and live well. At 45 years of age, I reflect that the decision that day to cut-off my relationship with my mother, my only known parent, “baked in” a certain set of beliefs. I’m sorting out what that means to me, my world and my future. Part of me believes that it has served me incredibly well. Someplace deeper I feel a deep hurt and am leaning in to understand it and how best to learn from it.”

Attachment Instability

The early part of Mr. Surmont’s life involved instability from the perspective of environment and basic physical needs. Mr. Surmont believes that his emotional and developmental needs were met very well and his basic physical needs were minimally met. The abrupt cut off from his mother of his family of origin caused a culminating trauma that as of the date of cut-off “all experiences before were bad.” Mr. Surmont has experienced a pattern of extremes of insufficient care as well as social neglect, rearing under unusual settings that severely limit the child’s ability to develop. Per the Index Person, “the court viewed my mother as broken and damaged. They sent the message to me that my experiences with her were averse to my health and well-being. “Adverse Childhood Experiences; i.e., nonaccepting childhood environments can be lifelong burdens.”

Client was removed from his mother’s care. Became a ward of the state. Six foster homes in 3 years. Approx. Ages 6 – 9.

1976 Smith’s: (Western Kentucky) Mormon family. Working farm family. IP: Loved this family”. 9 children. IP was the 10th. inherited 99-acre farm in Utah. Couldn’t get permission to take me from state. said goodbye; moved away; IP moved on.

1977 Hall’s: (Mercer County Kentucky) Auto Mechanic. Stay at home mom. 4 children. IP was the 5th. IP asked to leave due to CSA. IP moved on.

1978 Dibble’s: (Barbourville, KY) College Professor. Homemaker. No children. IP was the 1st and only. IP was caught smoking. IP was told “IP wasn’t good enough to be their son.” IP moved on.

1978 Barnett’s: (Corbin, KY) Small Business Owner’s. 2 boys. IP “Loved this family.” The Mackey family asked if IP could live with them they were thinking of adopting. The Barnett’s said ok. IP moved on.

1978-1979 Mackey’s: (Corbin, KY) Owner and Provider of Family Optometry practice. 4 Children. IP “Loved this family” too. They decided to adopt him. The Surmont family asked Mackey’s to allow them to consider adopting IP. Surmont family promised to “stay home” and work with IP. Initially very happy with the Surmont family. IP said thank you to the Mackey’s, IP kept in touch with Mackey’s throughout his life. But IP moved on.

1980 Surmont’s: (Corbin, KY) Both Parents worked in their family owned and operated business. 3 Daughters. They adopted IP. Eventually IP moved on from the Surmont's as well.

Per Mr. Surmont, “Family "alliance patterns" may pose an additional, separate, unseen and potentially difficult set of obstacles impacting, impairing or even interfering with an adopted child’s ability to successfully integrate and attach within the family system that selected the child for integration into the family in the first place; this experience rife with mixed messages; possibly described as an "outsiders effect" does shape views of self, world and future; it may not be obvious in situ that these individuals may be encountering burdens such as additional unseen or unknown horizontal anxieties; as well as additional vertical anxieties inevitably transmitted throughout the family system.

What most people miss is this child must contend with two family systems - not one. And the biological family system the child is coming from maybe dying or going extinct - a true death in my mind. The life and developmental stage of the adopted child is a factor; children adopted beyond age of 5 have life experiences that must be honored by the adopting family to develop, incorporate and hold to produce existential meanings for the child to age appropriately integrate and hold BOTH old and new family system membership narratives.

If the integrating family does not encourage and foster this type of acceptance and inclusion into the family alliance the child must incorporate resilient survival strategies or avoid altogether which fundamentally compromises the child’s sense of self by having to choose the integrating family system over the birth family system all in the context of family integration; ultimately and predictably causing additional burdens to simply survive and be seen by others as equal; The child (in this case me) is left with unseen burdens and with no understanding with which to cope.”

Failure to Attach

In 1981 IP was adopted by the Surmont family. S.S. (66) and B.S. (66), small business owners and parents to three daughters, S.P(45, Divorced, 1 daughter), S.J. (43, Married, 1 daughter, 1 son), B.W. (41, Married, 1 daughter). Mr. Surmont describes a series of experiences and ultimately the experience of his failure to be integrated into his adopted family alliance system.  

IP states that his “late childhood and early adulthood. Not that much time with the Surmont’s but important period of my life developmentally. IP states he “learned lessons primarily through observation.”  IP describes “never feeling welcome.” And that he “always felt like an outsider or an intruder.”

Per Mr. Surmont, the Surmont family’s interactions gave him insights into the world of family that he had never experienced before. He states that he “so much wanted to be accepted and included.”

Client also ran away from home at the age of 13.

Client describes that there has been little to no connection to them or with them from the beginning; client states “They did their best to keep up appearances.” Per IP, “Looking back on things now, the Surmont family didn’t have a good chance to successfully integrate me into their family system.” He describes feelings of helplessness and that “we were both set up to fail.” And that “Family Courts favor those with families.” is a truth he learned the “hard way”.

Per client, “because of his own personal experiences, he developed his own set of strategies.” “We must appreciate the adaptive & resilient strategies developed by families who are not part of privileged groups in our society.” (McGoldrick, 2016)

Client states that his “private logic had accepted that attachment stability and environmental stability were relative terms for me and mutually exclusive.” Client demonstrates dichotomistc either/or thinking informs that client has experienced severe attachment instability.  

Client believes the Surmont Family made the best efforts they could. He states, “They didn’t know what to do.” Client finds himself wondering “what do I owe them?” Client states “At least they gave me the ability to “Hide in plain sight” as a member of a family as far as someone might ascertain with a cursory look.” Client continues to process blame or defending those adverse or traumatic relationship experiences. Client admits to experiencing new confrontational insights as he examines his genogram.  

Client states, “I felt like I was on the trajectory for family alliance integration.” Mr. Surmont describes an event that happened when he was 10 years old, about six months after he was adopted, about a year into being with the family. IP states “everything changed after reporting an intimate touching incident I accidentally observed between two children one of the children of my new family sister and a neighborhood child who was one year older.” Per Mr. Surmont, “This report was not received well.” IP states that “The interfamily political winds of my intended integration into the Family were no more.” He believed that his role in the adopted family had shifted from “Oldest son, only son, carrier of family surname, big brother) soon after this incident, IP believes he became the adopting family’s “scapegoat”. Per IP, he “tried hard to enjoy and appreciate my childhood.”

Client is very appreciative of the environmental stability the adopting family provided. For client, “Things never quite felt right.”

Per Mr. Surmont, he worked very hard to push this sense of unease away. He tried to convince himself that he had no other past than that of his adopted family’s history. Client tried to convince himself that his family of origin history didn’t exist, was damaged, broken and not worth remembering.

Over time the superficial relationship with his adopted family system began to deteriorate and eventually die. IP states he “recently decided to allow it to die the death it deserves.”

Client shared what he called an encouraging mantra for him to repeat during his mindfulness practice. Mr. Surmont wrote the following phrase expressing his feelings of being unburdened by guilt and shame of his adopting family that contributed to many of his coping skills as well as other difficulties that exist as a facet of his life experiences.

“The cool healing waters of ancestry are finding me; rebinding me; flowing through me; Rising in me from the ashes of many deaths; My unbound identity binds unto its own lifespring, taking flight.”

- John Surmont, July 2017

References

McGoldrick, M. (2008). Genograms: Assessment and intervention. New York: Pearson.

McGoldrick, M., Preto, N. G., & Carter, B. (2016). Expanding Family Lifecycle, Individual,

Family, and Social Perspectives (5th ed.). New York: Pearson.

Surmont, J. S. (2017). Book Report: Hillbilly Elegy. Unpublished manuscript, The Chicago

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[onyxraccoon15]

Found this on the internet, describes me perfectly

This is me.

I joke that I'm missing the survival gene  But it's true. For some reason people can't seem to handle hearing it - it freaks them out, you get labelled depressed or suicidal. I'm neither, however. I'm not planning to commit suicide. HOWEVER, I don't see life on its own as this all-encompassing priority, I just don't. A good life, a happy life, a healthy life - yes, absolutely, it's great. However, when you hear about these 'survivors' who are 'hanging on' and 'fighting for life' while horribly ill, in daily pain and misery, physically or mentally disabled, or say, who have lost entire families or all their possessions, are lonely, destitute, mentally unstable, starving, and so on and so forth...I mean it's great for these people and I do admire their will, but personally? I'm sorry but I DON'T SEE THE POINT. Guess what - you're going to die sometime anyway!! So what's the point of all this suffering? And yet we worship these people as heroes and call others weak if they don't have the same mindset. Or these 'preppers' who are hoping to survive nuclear war and apocalypse. WHY?? I know I wouldn't want to.

Is this existential depression? I don't know. I know I've been this way since childhood. It's not something I actively consider, but somewhere in the back of my mind is the thought that this life is too damn hard and rough, and if it were up to me, I wouldn't have chosen to be born. And that if something truly terrible were to happen to me, I would want a way 'out'. It feels sometimes like life is a giant game of ******* - you skip along hoping not to get crushed by something terrible: disease, natural disaster, poverty, loss of loved ones. There's so much potential for all kinds of pain and suffering on every corner. And yet if you do make it to the other side - well, you still die. If you're lucky, with not much suffering. So what's the point for this clawing-at-life-for-all-you-got, even through horrific, permanent adversity?

This all seems to make perfect rational sense to me. Yet people who hear me say it (and I've only shared this with my parents and husband) wave me away like I'm crazy. Is it really crazy to think like that??

Read more: http://www.city-data.com/forum/mental-health/2120679-possible-some-people-not-meant-live-2.html#ixzz5ZLBwfbIv