#Anyways- I’m fine I promise. It turns out this was exceedingly cathartic to put down- as hoped

[positivelyapunovexponent-good]

It’s 1:51AM, aka. the perfect time to reflect on just how many axes I’ve disappointed my parents along!

(don’t worry I’m merely sad in a distant, wistful, but hopefully cathartic sort of way. Not acute self loathing like I used to struggle quite a lot with.)

(It’s just… sad that the person I am, who I’ve worked so hard become, is utterly unrecognisable as any future my parents might have wanted for me)

(and I know I couldn’t have been the daughter they wanted. My effort to be that person was killing me.)

(When I came out as gay to my mom she broke down. Told me “I almost lost you to the autism, I won’t loose you to this”. It’s been years and I still think about it struggling to understand what she meant. Is my brain- fundamentally inseparable from the autism and the lesbianism- really something she thought she needed to save me from? There is no version of me that’s not autistic and gay. So. Was what she said an admission she wished she had another kid?)

(it’s been years. I tried to bring it up once, years later, wondering whether she still believed that. She claimed she didn’t remember saying it, and didn’t want to talk about it. So I guess I’ll never know)

(it shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. But I’m still allowed to care, I think. I’m still allowed to be sad)

(and maybe even a little proud. Proud I found the courage to be a disappointment. Because if I am a disappointment… at least I’m a happy one)