#Anyway the REASON I brought up the joke bumpers I was making is because one involves cord eating cereal and reading a newspaper

[dbphantom]

have FINALLY figured a design for my OC's pet parasite that isn't just Cat But Made Of Gold now to figure out a better name than her placeholder

This was the start of a beautiful rivalry that becomes genuine friendship when they have to team up to break Chase out of space prison and Bing gets a living scythe arm for a little bit

Ignore Bing's wings in the 2nd drawing I added them on reflex they're not actually there

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Never a Gull Moment

Fandom: The Falcon and the Winter Soldier Pairing: Sam Wilson/Bucky Barnes Rating: T Word Count: 3523

For @yavannie, who wanted Sam to either gain new powers or carry Bucky through the air. Spoiler, I went with both. Hope you enjoy!

Summary: Sam’s had an intense first week as Captain America. The perfect opportunity for a break arises when Joaquín contacts him, offering new programming for his suit. All he needs to test the tech are the beach, birds, and one uncooperative bonehead Sam didn’t manage to leave behind in New York.

If there’s one skill Sam’s hoping to adopt from his predecessor—Steve, not Walker (sweet Jesus, not Walker)—it’s the ability to end a conversation with a humble handwave before it can even begin. Steve always had that in the bag. Leading with the wrist in a flick of the hand that came across as both sheepish and respectful. Like he’d love to stop and talk with that fan or this journalist but he was just too busy. And not rude busy, busy with a quiet nobility. Anyway, it all came across in the wave.

Sam hasn’t nailed the wave.

Four days after the GRC vote-that-wasn’t, he’s still in New York, bouncing between TV appearances; everybody wants a piece of the new Cap. Sam wishes they asked a little more about his opinions on compassion for the displaced, as well as those who survived the Snap to form new, functional communities, and less about the look of his new suit, but isn’t it always a battle between style and substance? At least people are listening. To everything except the look Sam knows he has in his eyes, the one that says this debut has been a lot and he’s longing for home.

He knows he has to nail this aspect of being Captain America too. Unfortunately, chuckling amiably with morning show hosts isn’t doing a hell of a lot to distract him from what it took to get him here. There are seconds where his attention wavers—he’ll be nodding along to whatever someone’s saying, or letting his gaze follow a bike courier down the street instead of staying trained on the camera the roving reporter has set up on the sidewalk—and that’s when Karli hurtles into his mind. He feels her desperate blows vibrating the shield, the weight of her body in his arms, in her death.

He can’t keep sitting behind desks or posing impressively and trying to answer the hard questions (on the rare occasion they’re asked) after he’s told people he’s not the expert. When Torres calls up, it’s the close-enough-to-official reason Sam’s been waiting for to step back and do something that actually feels useful.

Bucky, who’s been skulking behind the scenes, somehow never pulled into interviews (if he knows the deferring wave and he’s been doing it just outside Sam’s sightline all week, Sam’s gonna kill him), sticks with him. They head south to meet Torres, and at least that feels like the right direction. Homeward bound. Of course, they stop a handful of states before Louisiana and hug the east coast, but it’s an improvement. They meet Torres at… the beach.

He’s got his foot propped in the open doorframe of a Humvee, giving Sam and Bucky a big, eager, whole-arm wave as they pull up. Not like they’re gonna miss him; Torres is in the only vehicle parked halfway down an unpaved road. Sand dunes climb steep and high just feet from his front bumper, an informal path cutting between the dunes and leading to the water, though Sam can’t see that from this vantage.

Torres’s hand is somehow already grasping Sam’s in a pumping, congratulatory shake before he’s fully out of the car. Sam hears Bucky’s soft snort of suppressed laughter and shoots him a look across the seats. Bucky raises his palms, but Sam spots his smirk before they’re both slamming their doors and stretching their legs after the drive.

“Traffic?” Torres asks brightly.

“Nah,” Bucky answers, coming around the back of their ride. “Sam just drives slower than my grandmother and she—”

“Died on the Titanic?” Sam guesses dryly.

Bucky’s flat stare could be saying a lot of things, or nothing. Sam feels as if he’s been a student of the language of Bucky’s stare for a while now, but his comprehension is still rudimentary. Pop that asshole in a sanctuary for rehabilitated brain-washees, have somebody study his behaviour like Jane Goodall studies chimpanzees, and they might get some answers. The idea starts as something funny Sam almost shares, but then he imagines handfeeding Bucky a banana and it gets weird. He keeps his mouth shut.

“Or she got the cryo treatment too and she’s kickin’ around someplace, speakin’ Russian and makin’ headshots.”

“Come on, man, Hydra jokes about your own grandmother?” Sam scoffs. “That’s not even a little bit funny.”

Torres’s expression is like a kid watching a wrestling match on TV—awed, alarmed, reluctant to question what’s real because he’s just enjoying the show.

Bucky cracks a slow smile and Sam rolls his eyes, slapping Torres’s shoulder to get him to head towards the Humvee and the reason they’re here.

“Nana woulda thought it was funny,” Bucky assures them.

“Nana?”

“Lemme guess… You called your aunt ‘TT,’ so your grandmother’s probably… ‘GG,’ am I right?”

Sam glares at him (because his guess is correct and he’s a pain in the ass) and turns fully to Torres as he opens the back, revealing a large case.

“You were vague on the phone,” Sam recalls, watching Torres tug the case close before undoing the clasps. Bucky leans against the vehicle as he observes, dark pants picking up a swipe of road dust from the dirty taillight. “Something about an update for the suit?”

“Right,” Torres agrees.

He throws the case open to reveal the wings Sam gifted him. They’ve been repaired and Sam automatically strokes a hand over the gleaming, extended metal. If Torres did this himself, he sure worked fast.

“That duffle bag wasn’t good enough for you?” Sam asks jokingly, remembering his gear broken and jumbled, fit to be dragged out with the trash.

“They’re kind my prized possession,” Torres admits. “I thought they deserved to be kept nice.”

“You might even wanna put ’em on sometime.”

“I’m working up to that.” Torres laughs. “I wanted to make sure they were in working order before I jumped off a building.”

“Or out of the back of a plane without a parachute, right, Buck?” Sam asks, smacking the back of his hand into Bucky’s chest.

“I was fine,” Bucky insists.

“Sure you were. We can watch the footage again. I’m up for that.”

“Just let the man finish.”

Torres grants Bucky a wide smile in thanks.

“Yeah,” he picks up, “so I was fixing them, working on the wiring, and when I got the electronics running smoothly again, I started thinking about Redwing—”

“May he rest in pieces,” Bucky contributes.

“Uncalled for,” Sam complains.

“I replaced it, didn’t I?”

“The Wakandans replaced it.”

“As a favour to me.”

Torres’s gaze dances between them until Sam motions for him to continue.

“About Redwing,” Torres goes on enthusiastically. “The sophistication of the relationship between you, how intuitive the tech was. How Redwing understood not just simply-stated commands, but a more conversational approach, interpreting your intentions.”

“Finally, a little Redwing appreciation,” Sam says. He crosses his arms and gives Bucky a meaningful look.

“But what if it was a real bird?” Torres blurts.

Most of a minute passes as Sam stares at Torres’s excited expression.

“I think I might get where Torres is going with this,” Bucky says.

Sam holds up a hand to pause him. He could make a guess at it too, but there’s no need for that. They have the source of whatever alterations have been made right here.

“In your own words, Joaquín,” Sam encourages.

“Well,” he begins, one palm braced in the bed of the Humvee as he leans over the case with unconscious protectiveness, “you know I’ve kinda been itching to get my hands on the wings for a long time.”

“Yeah.” Sam laughs, remembering having to practically slap Torres’s hands away from the jetpack in Tunisia.

“Since you gave them to me a couple weeks ago, I’ve been tinkering, like I said, and I had this idea. Now,” he warns, raising both hands in caution, “this might be either really obvious or really disrespectful to the whole concept of the Falcon, but I started wondering if it’d be possible for the person wearing the wings to talk to nearby birds. Use them like a resource, like with Redwing.”

“Black Panther dresses like a cat with Vibranium claws.”

“Spider-Man has webs,” Bucky adds.

“Right,” Sam agrees, nodding to him before looking back to Torres. “I don’t think it’s disrespectful to lean into the gimmick if it’s amplifying your abilities.”

“Awesome,” Torres pronounces.

“I assume you went further than just wondering about it?”

Torres gives them a modest shrug.

“I know a guy who knows an ornithologist.”

“Bird scientist,” Bucky translates.

Turning his head, Sam glances at Bucky with a no shit look.

“Thanks,” he says insincerely.

“You’re welcome.”

“Long story short,” Torres pipes up, “she got me access to a catalogue of bird calls and the scientific consensus on what they all mean. I patched that info into the suit and, hopefully, it’s something that could be used, uh, on the fly. Sorry, I was trying to think of another way to say that.”

“So my suit would be able to communicate with birds?” Sam checks. “Automatically?”

“Yeah, it would assess your surroundings the same way Redwing does already, but scanning for birds, identifying what kind they are, and having the interpretation of their calls at the ready if needed.”

“What sort of information would I be gaining with this tech?”

“Stuff like… are they feeling threatened or disturbed? Does something feel off about their environment that has something to do with somebody you’re maybe chasing?”

“Mating rituals,” Bucky says.

“How is being able to recognize mating rituals going to help me?” Sam demands.

“You never know.”

“You brought your suit, right?” Torres wants to know. Apparently, he’s not going to bother engaging with Bucky’s nonsense. “It won’t take long for me to install the new software.”

“It’s in the back,” Sam assures him, jerking a thumb towards the other vehicle.

“Great!”

“But just the bird calls. This suit is brand new. No tinkering.”

“No tinkering,” Torres swears.

He sets up his impromptu workshop in the back seat, next to the suit. Sam has to admit to himself that Torres’s reverential expression as he handles the Captain America suit is pretty flattering. He watches the progress until Torres sits back, stating it’ll just be a few minutes for the new programming to be assimilated.

“Why the beach?” Sam asks while they wait.

“I was inspired by some shaky, far-away footage of you in New York. You did, uh, kind of a nosedive into the river there, so I thought maybe you’d be interested in testing your suit’s maneuverability in water at the same time as we did a trial with the bird calls.”

“Are we running a drill or something?” Bucky wonders.

“That’s a good idea,” Torres says immediately. “A scenario to use both the calls and the water.”

“You got something in mind?”

Sam isn’t the one who asks because he can see from Torres’s face that he does. Fortunately, he is the one who gets to laugh when the Lieutenant squints consideringly at Bucky and asks, “How long can you hold your breath?”

—

The last Sam sees of Bucky, he’s taking off his shirt.

“Oh, entire jacket this time?” Torres asked when Bucky took that off first.

After that, it was his shoes and socks, then his t-shirt, and this whole Bucky stripping thing isn’t so much a last look as something that Sam has to stand there witnessing for a while. He’s already in the Cap suit and, seriously, Bucky could’ve changed at the same time. Then, he would’ve been ready to go without making Sam and Torres wait around. But Sam wouldn’t have gotten to see him undress.

“Hurry it up, man.” His voice is a little off because, at the same time, he’s thinking, Please don’t take your pants off.

“If you’re making me play a drowning victim, I can at least not be getting weighed down,” Bucky argues. “This is to help you, right? Quit complaining.”

Finally, he stalks away, mounting the dune in black jeans and a half-assed scowl and disappearing over the top. The plan is for him to swim out, then duck under the water when Torres tells him to (the guy’s brought along waterproof earpieces for the purpose). Next, Sam will fly up and search for the ‘victim,’ relying solely on input from the seagulls wheeling lazily overhead. It’s a good exercise Torres has cooked up.

Sam hands the shield off to Torres for safekeeping before the Lieutenant heads to the beach. The shield won’t be necessary for this and there’s no way in hell Sam’s leaving it in the car. Besides, it’s kinda funny how wide Torres’s eyes go when Sam offers it up. Even bigger reaction than leaving him the wings, though this he doesn’t get to keep.

“On my signal,” Torres restates.

Sam gives him a sharp nod.

Once he’s alone, he paces between the vehicles, eager to kick off the ground. He hasn’t had an opportunity to just enjoy himself in the new suit yet. Leading up to the confrontation with the Flag-Smashers (and Georges Batroc, that fists-of-steel bastard), he was in training mode, focused and determined. In the media-heavy days that followed, he conceded to a few stunts for the camera. Those hadn’t been purely fun though; they were actually something Sam had to think quick and hard about, ultimately deciding that it wasn’t just performing on command but rather giving the public a lighthearted look at their new Captain America. Testing new tech with Bucky, Torres, and a bunch of seagulls? That seems like it’ll actually be a good time.

The instant Torres’s voice in Sam’s ear says, “Bucky’s under,” he unfurls the wings and sails up over the crest of the dune.

It’s not the warmest day and the greenish-blue water’s choppy near the shore, but there is a surprising smattering of people along a quarter mile of beach. Must be locals, Sam guesses, trekking down to the water from nearby houses. That would explain the lack of other cars where he parked. The people aren’t that close or that bothered by his sudden appearance overhead. Startled, sure, but after they’ve identified him (he sees a few hands lifted to foreheads to block out the sun so they can get a good look), he gets to return a couple big waves. Besides that, nobody’s getting to their feet to pound sand and swarm Torres, who’s conspicuously there with Sam—he is holding the shield, after all. Pretty typical. The bigger the crowd, the greater the chance of people scrambling for his attention and/or whipping out their phones to film him. This group seems satisfied with watching Captain America hanging out at their beach on his downtime and Sam appreciates them for that.

“No scanning the water,” Torres says in his ear. Sam laughs.

“I’m not, just assessing our audience here.”

“Is this a bad spot? I didn’t think anybody’d be around when I sent you my location, but—”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry. Did anybody ask you what was up when Bucky waded out into the water?”

“Nah. If they were wondering, they probably aren’t anymore.”

“Glad I won’t have to compete with a lifeguard to rescue him,” Sam jokes.

He hears Torres’s short laugh of agreement before focusing. Not on the water at all, but the birds. Those down on the sand are squawking for food, comfortable enough with these people to complain loudly in the hopes of being fed.

Sam’s sudden swoops scatter the gulls in the air, so he tries easier circles, mimicking their movements to hover high above the beach. Soon enough—these guys either have bad short-term memories or no patience—they start communicating with each other. The new programming Torres has uploaded to his suit signals to Sam that the birds are aware of a disturbance in the water. He gets a target on his goggles’ imaging and dives.

Sucking in a deep breath, Sam crashes into the murky water no more than a hundred yards out. The drop-off is dramatic enough for him to not complete a faceplant into a shallow bottom. Bucky’s treading water a couple body-lengths down, but he wrecks his form to offer Sam a raised middle finger in greeting. Sam’s wings retract as he grabs Bucky’s wrist to haul him to the surface.

They breathe, bobbing in place.

“Thought you’d be faster,” Bucky says.

“You didn’t drown, did you?” Sam points out. “Come on.”

He catches hold of Bucky’s hand and shoots out of the water, wings opening in the air to carry him once the thruster’s done its work. But Bucky squirms below him, their wet grip twisting precariously. Water runs from his sopping jeans.

“What the hell are you doing?” Sam asks.

“I don’t want to be carried to shore!”

“Why?”

“Because dangling this high above the ground feels a little weird to me! Not all of us do this every day!”

“I guess we could run the exercise again.”

“Fine. Let’s do that. Just drop me.”

Sam rewards Bucky’s melodrama by abruptly releasing his grip. Hey, that’s what the idiot asked for, and if he can fall out of a plane to the forest floor, he can plunge into water. It’s not like Sam’s up at aircraft cruising altitude, just high enough to make Torres look like a little action figure army man, standing on the sand in his fatigues.

“Running it again?” Torres wants to know.

“Yep,” Sam tells him, accelerating away from the shore. “Just giving that dumbass time to swim to a new spot.”

“Even though he can’t reply while he’s underwater… you know he can hear you in the comms, right?”

“Oh yeah.”

When Torres lets him know that Bucky’s gone under a second time, they start the drill again. Once more, Sam does a gliding approach to the seagulls. Once more, they go quiet before filling the air with their screaming, overlapping calls. Once more, Sam finds Bucky. He knows he’s quicker this time, so he’s expecting an acknowledgement of that when he contracts the wings, straightens his body, and plummets into the water feetfirst next to where Bucky’s floating below the surface.

Instead of an appreciative nod, an outstretched hand, or even a thumbs up, Bucky darts away from him. Is he trying not to get rescued? Now he’s just fucking up the exercise. Only, Sam can’t even berate him, because he’s still under too, holding his breath as he swims after Bucky. He uses the jetpack for assistance, but Bucky’s a fast swimmer, legs kicking just ahead of Sam. Goddamn human shark.

Because he is not an idiot, Sam surfaces to catch his breath, leaving Bucky somewhere below.

“There a problem?” Torres asks.

“Only with Bucky’s idea of teamwork.”

“Get him like a bird would!”

“Is that a real suggestion?” Sam asks, rising and falling as a small wave swells under him, rolling towards the shore.

“Really, Sam! You know, like how birds hunt fish.” Back on the beach, he makes a sharp, downward gesture with his arm that has Sam chuckling. He gets what Torres means though.

“Alright.”

Sam goes from water to air, then, alerted by a trio of seagulls taking annoyed flight from the surface of the water, goes into a steep dive. Nabbing the swimmer from above is the trick, he learns, when the swimmer is being intentionally uncooperative with the rescue attempt. Bucky might be quick when he knows Sam’s behind him, but when he drops down on him, there’s nowhere Bucky can go. Sam wraps his arms around Bucky’s bare chest from behind and lugs him up for air.

The first thing Bucky says is, “You took even longer that time.”

Frustrated, Sam splashes the back of his head, but when Bucky strokes his arms out, rotating to face him, he’s smiling.

“You messed it up,” Sam accuses. He rubs a hand across his goggles to smear the water droplets off.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t have fun.”

Sam narrows his eyes before a laugh bursts out of him. He can’t help it; it’s the pressure he’s been under, so much internal conflict, suddenly drawn out with the current. Yeah, Bucky was slightly uncooperative, but that’s nothing unusual. Swimming ahead like he was going for a gold medal or forcing Sam to plunge deep after him, the two of them suspended like the goddamn Shape of Water before Sam towed him to the surface—either way, Bucky definitely gave him distinct scenarios to work with. Sam can’t say he doesn’t feel more comfortable now that he’s had some practice. More comfortable with his wings in the water, with working with his feathered allies. With Bucky.

“Still don’t want a lift?” Sam checks.

Bucky’s expression hardens and Sam backs off with a laugh.

“See you on the shore,” Bucky states firmly.

“Alright. Get doggy-paddlin’, White Wolf.”

Sam feels Bucky’s hand shoot out to seize his ankle in retaliation as he launches out of the water, but he’s too slow. Sam’s wings fan wide as he flies up, up, up with the birds.

[holidaywishes]

Almost

Part nine: Almost

  Summary: Eight months after Auston’s sisters brought your parents to Toronto, you’ve once again become removed from your family. With your due date fast approaching, you and Auston prepare for baby.

  Author’s Note: Holy shit it’s been forever since I’ve written anything. I know this is kind of a shorter chapter but I’m highly stressed about school and I’m procrastinating so I don’t have to deal with it. Anyway, I’ve gone back and read this series so I could make sure everything lined up. It’s coming to an end and I hope you’ve enjoyed it! You’re more than welcome to send me some requests, my inbox is always open, it might just take me a little while to write some stuff or get it out.

  P.S.: I’m almost entirely sure that this timeline doesn’t match up and that there is about about a one to two month bumper of what the actual pregnancy timeline would be

P.P.S.: I don’t know why the line breaks are gone on text posts now but whatever, we’ll make do. Right now, it’s just a bunch of dash’s (-----). Sorry about that!

  Warnings: Time jumps, probably some swearing, hopefully no angst but I can’t make any promises

  masterlist

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  Auston hadn’t talked to his sisters in months. After the two girls brought your parents to the city, prompting them to attack your choices and question your relationship. Still, you felt guilty that Auston was distancing himself from his family, so you invited everyone out for Brunch and asked Steph and Mitch to come to diffuse the tension.

  “I don’t want you not to have a relationship with your sisters just because I don’t have a relationship with my parents…” you said to Auston as he pouted in front of you

  “They brought them into your life knowing that you didn’t get along with them,” he countered, “they knew what they were doing”

  “Maybe…” you started, “but that’s my problem not yours. They’re your family and that’s more important than a stupid thing that happened eight months ago…”

  “(Y/N)...”

  “Auston, I am pregnant and I am irritated beyond belief. All I’m asking for is for you to talk to your sisters. To try and patch things up before it’s too late” you saw him step back for a second before agreeing to your request, knowing that he wasn’t going to win any argument. When you got there, the host directed you to your table and filled the glasses of water as you waited for everyone to arrive; Auston leaning over the table to tell you that you could still call it

  “I wouldn’t blame you, you know, if you wanted to leave…” he mentioned, “just say the word and we’re gone”

  “Auston…” you sighed and he smiled, knowing he’d lost, before rubbing your stomach with his right hand

  “Okay okay,” he caved, leaning in to kiss your forehead, “don’t say I didn’t warn you though…” You rolled your eyes at your boyfriend before picking up the menu and leaning back in your chair; you couldn’t say that you weren’t nervous to see everyone again, especially Alexandria and Breyana, but it was important to you that Auston had a good relationship with his family, so you got over yourself. Shortly after, the group filed in and greeting each other as they sat down; tension filling the gaps before Mitch eventually spoke the first words

  “So…” he started, “got a name yet?” you smiled at his question and looked at Auston

  “Kind of… we’re going back and forth between Olivia and Aurora” Auston cooed as he rubbed your stomach when your little girl kicked, bringing a smile to your face and the group asked if they could feel

  “Of course! Hurry, before she gets shy!” you laughed and the group hovered around you, placing one hand each on your stomach when you noticed Alexandria and Breyana stay back, forcing you to nod in their direction to Auston

  “Come on Alex, Brey, come feel…” he tried but they shook their hands and the tension was back

  “Who’s hungry?” Ema asked, staring down her two daughters while everyone took their seats again. Everyone quickly placed their orders with the server who came to refill drinks and laughed at little jokes here and there until one by one the group seemed to get up to give you and the sisters a second to talk.

  “Listen…” you started, bringing in your chair so you could lean on the table and talk quietly, “I know this is awkward but what happened is in the past now. This baby is almost here and she’s gonna need her auntie’s…”

  “Yeah, right…” Breyana scoffed, causing you to scrunch your eyebrows

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “We know you don’t want us here, we know Auston forced you to invite us here…” Alexandria added

  “Now, hold on a second” you interrupted

  “No! Let me say something before you try and play yourself off as the hero here. I’m sorry that you had an abusive dad and a sucky childhood, I’m sorry you haven’t seen or spoken to your parents in like eight years. That’s not on us. But if you think that you can manipulate our brother into thinking that it’s you or us, then I think you should prepare to be a single parent. Completely alone…” Alexandria said, anger covering every word

  “Auston didn’t want to come. I invited you, I reached out. Because I know how important family is, you know, being that I lacked one my entire life. You brought something back into my life that I so desperately was trying to forget, something that Auston hadn’t even really known about, and he was so pissed at the two of you for it that he decided not to talk to you two,” you admitted, “he loves you both but you didn’t just hurt me, you hurt his child… and that made him want to distance himself from you. So, please, before you go yelling at me because you think I’m manipulating him against you, try to see that we’re both trying to get over what happened…” The two sat silently across from you until the rest of the group showed up, giving you a small smile before turning to Auston

  “I like Aurora,” Breyana said and you saw Auston’s smile grow wide, “she’s the Disney princess right?”

  “That was (Y/N)’s choice for that very reason” he laughed

  “So your choice was Olivia?” Alexandria asked skeptically

  “Well, not exactly…” he confessed, “I suggested Lauren but (Y/N) thought it was too basic.” The table burst into laughter at Auston’s baby name suggestion, bringing a slight blush to Auston’s face

  “Aww, babe,” you said, kissing his cheek, “it’s okay. Just because I don’t love the name doesn’t mean I don’t love you…” He smiled before turning to you and laying a quick kiss to the tip of your nose. After that, the rest of the Brunch went smoothly with everyone laughing and sharing stories about what they’d been up to. It was nice to see Auston and his sisters back on good terms and you could see how happy it made Ema and Brian as well. Your heart swelled with happiness at seeing them all hug as they said goodbye and went their separate ways.

  And then your heart broke knowing that you could never have that.

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One Month Later

  “Are we ready?” you asked Auston while the two of you flipped through Netflix to find something to watch

  “Not yet, just one sec” was his half-hearted reply

  “What?!” you said in a panicked tone, forcing Auston to look at you

  “Babe, what - what’s wrong?”

  “We’re not ready?”

  “We will be… don’t worry… I just have to find this movie that we were talking about earlier”

  “OH MY GOD AUSTON! I was talking about the baby, not the stupid movie!”

  “Ahh that makes more sense,” he laughed to himself, “yes, babe, we’re ready. Or as ready as we can be as first time parents…”

  “That doesn’t make me feel any better”

  “Look, we’ve got the birth plan, the bag is packed for when you go into labour, the car seat is installed in the truck --”

  “We really should’ve put it in a different car.. I don’t think that truck is safe…”

  “I can switch tomorrow, don’t worry, we’re prepared” you squinted your eyes at his choice of word, using prepared instead of ready, and you could tell it was a sidestep

  “Prepared is not the same thing as ready. Sure, we’re prepared for the actual hospital and birthing thing, but what happens when we have to take the baby home? And there’s no one here to help us?...”

  “We take it one day at a time. That’s all we can do…”

  “I can’t screw this up. I had to leave work for maternity leave and my team was freaking out until the second I left…”

  “That’s because you take care of too much and they haven’t had to figure out anything on their own. We’re all in the same position” he joked and you laughed nervously

  “Please, I can’t be nervous about them too”

  “Everything is going to be great, trust me”

  “Can I blame you if it all goes wrong?”

  “If you need to, I’ll allow it” he smiled at you and you let out a sigh of relief

  “Okay, that makes me feel a little better then…”

  “I love you…”

  “I love you too.” You cuddled in next to Auston while he continued to search for this movie on Netflix that neither of you could remember the title of, starting and stopping about five that seemed like it could be it. When he finally found it, you had all but fallen asleep on his chest but you could still hear the action on the screen; a loud bang jolting you awake and you let out a small laugh.

  “Ooh, ow…” you said, feeling a small pain in your stomach

  “Are you okay?” Auston rushed to make sure you and the baby weren’t hurt

  “Yeah I think so, I’m just gonna grab a glass of water”

  “Need any help?”

  “No, babe,” you said, kissing his cheek, “I’ll be fine but thank you.” You walked slowly over to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and placing it under the faucet, watching it fill to the top before you felt another small pain. Your due date wasn’t for another two and a half weeks so you weren’t too concerned about anything, and this felt like cramping or gas, so the thought of early labour was the last thing on your mind. That is until one pain went through your entire body and you dropped the glass of water.

  “Ahh fuck! Ow ow ow, fuck Auston!!” you yelled out as Auston rushed to you

  “Babe, what’s going on? What can I do?”

  “Get the fucking car, I think I’m going into labour...” you said, your breathing hard and shallow, “fuck this hurts!”

  “Okay, okay -- you’re gonna be okay --”

  “THE CAR AUSTON!!”

  “Right, getting the car, hang on baby.” You leaned against the counter, trying to ease the pain, but nothing seemed to work and you yelled out to Auston again to see where he was when you noticed him rushing around the room and you noticed the stress on his face but you couldn’t get his attention

  “Auston..” you tried, “Auston, sweetie…”

  “Okay, we have that, that’s in the car, that was over here, okay, I think that’s ever--” he mumbled to himself before you threw a banana at him

  “AUSTON!” you said, finally grabbing his attention and widening your eyes in annoyance

  “Right!” He carefully led you around the broken glass and into the truck while you squeezed his hand so tight, you were sure you heard bone crack. The ride to the hospital was the most stressful part of the whole experience; with the amount of pain you were in and Auston trying not to kill any of you, no one was at ease.

  “UGGGHHHH, I just want this baby out!! CAN’T YOU DRIVE FASTER!!” you yelled and Auston stepped on the gas just enough for you to stop yelling at him for two seconds before you eventually said he was going too fast. Once you checked into the hospital, and were taken to your room, you felt like you couldn’t breathe

  “You’re doing great babe, you’re so amazing!” Auston tried but ultimately failed

  “Don’t start with me, hockey boy, I hate this. I hate you! I can’t do this, it hurts too much. I think I’m done with all of this now. It can be over now.. please…”

  “Oh, sweetie, want some ice chips?” You just glared at him, giving him his cue to leave the room for a few minutes to call his family. Your doctor came in to talk to you and you could barely get one word out with the pain you were in

  “You’re doing great,” your doctor assured you, “two weeks early huh? You excited?”

  “Not at the current moment. How much longer Doc?”

  “Every pregnancy is different. You’re at four centimetres right now, which isn’t bad. Six more to go…” The pain seemed to subside for a bit, like your body heard that you only had a little bit to go and decided to calm down and you wondered where Auston went, “he’s just making a call, the Daddy, he’ll be right back”

  “That obvious huh?”

  “I’ve been doing this a long time, (Y/N), and never have I seen a mommy want to be away from the daddy.” She smiled at you before leaving the room, just as Auston came back, slowly rounding the corner and handing you a cup of ice chips

  “C’mere,” you gestured for him to come to you, “I’m sorry baby, it was just a lot of pain. But thank you for being so amazing. I love you so much”

  “I love you too” he said softly and sat down in the chair next to your bed. The pain came and went for a few hours until Ema and Brian showed up, coming in to say hi but leaving when your contractions started again. You screamed and cursed and tried to throw anything in your reach but Auston had made sure to move everything out of your grasp. Auston left the room for a bit to talk to his parents, leaving you alone in the quiet hospital room and you looked at all the posters and colours on the walls.

  What the hell are they trying to do to me? Are we stuck in the 80s? I mean really? Is that a Giraffe in a tutu? Why? Wh-- your thoughts were cut short by a major contraction that brought your doctor back into the room who looked at you with hopeful eyes, please tell me it’s time, you thought to yourself

  “Nine centimetres, you’re almost there…” she said and your head fell back in disappointment; Auston coming back into the room telling you Ema and Brian can’t wait to meet their granddaughter and you practically burst into tears.

  “We’re going to have a baby girl” you said, delight in your voice, as if it were the first time you realized it. Auston just smiled at you, laying a kiss to your forehead

  “Yeah, we are.”

[leagueofidiots]

I'm great at keeping us occupied at least

Heya, so I had a rough Thanksgiving and started that draft I've talked about...after certain things happening I no longer really want to work on it anymore, but enjoy what used to be a good concept! Still can't do the "keep reading" thing, sorry

No trigger warnings, just know this is after my NaNoWriMo, but you can read it without context just fine. Some Shigadabi and Magnetmagic, but nothing huge

"Everybody pack up your crap, we need to drive up to Sapporo," says Shigaraki, laying Father over his face.

"Why can't Kurogiri just take us? And why do we have to go anyway?" Toga groans.

"He's not feeling well, so I don't want to overwork his quirk. We're going because I said so."

Twice lowers the bottom half of his mask to cover his mouth. "Whatever you say, boss!" He begins shoving various things into a knapsack. "I just wanna lay around and do nothing!"

Dabi slowly gets off of his bar stool. "Oi, creep, you know I get car sick, right?"

"What?" He continues placing hands over his upper body. "Since when?"

"Since I made a slightly large turn. Personally, I think he just likes whining," says Spinner, nose pointed up to the air.

"Well we just won't make any 'slightly large turns' then." Kurogiri gives him a sideways glance, but Tomura promptly ignores him. "Toga, I'm serious. Get up. You're not getting out of this."

Magne pulls up the younger girl by the arm. "Who's driving? I'll have to take a pass, I don't have a license."

"You're in your thirties, how do you not have a licence?" asks Twice, standing at the door like an eager boy scout.

"My parents took mine when I got my pronouns and name changed, and then I committed two murders. That sort of eliminated the option." 

"Oh." He shrinks sheepishly. "Well, I'd say they had it coming then. Murder is not a good way to solve your problems, Kenji!"

She shrugs. "I have Pringles, you think I should bring them?"

Compress grins, debating between his masks. "Oh, absolutely. I would still like to know our business in Sapporo though, Shigaraki. It could affect what I wear."

"Well, I'm hoping to avoid the public once we're up there, so bring one of the ones you can stuff in your bag."

Dabi looks at his boss in disgust. "Really? We're stuffing things in bags, and you're bringing all fourteen of your corpse hands?"

"You say that like you're not a walking chunk of rotting barbeque as is, player two."

The black-haired villain shrugs. "Fair enough. Just don't make me carry the bag or anything."

"So can I drive?" asks Suichi eagerly, trying to get back on topic. "I really love feeling the power of a car under my hands."

"If you've already made Dabs blow chunks, I don't think that's a great idea," says Toga, digging knives out from under the couch cushions.

Spinner pouts. "Fine."

Kurogiri finishes a drink he'd made for himself, and looks around at his murder babies. "Is everyone all packed? I am sorry I couldn't make us a warp gate."

"It's no prob, Kuro, we all feel under the weather sometimes," says Jin, back to looking like he's waiting for Disneyland and not a sixteen hour drive from Yokohama to Sapporo. "I blame you for my suffering."

"We're all packed," says Atsuhiro loudly, finally placing a mask over his face. "Which car are we taking?"

Over the past several weeks, the league had stolen a lot of cars. Toga said a crime that took such thought and planning was basically pointless, but Jin liked hotwiring cars, so what else was there to do? So the league now had five vehicles, including a baby blue minivan, a pink bug, an orange pickup truck, another minivan (this one white, it was Tomura's favorite), and a bright green sports car. Compress had them stored as marbles in one of his coat pockets.

"The minivan," says Shigaraki, grin creeping past Father's fingers. "You know which one. And I'm driving."

"Shotgun," calls Dabi, sulking over to the door. "One more window to look out of as I try to keep my insides where they belong." Tomura rolls his eyes.

"So, are we gonna play any road trip games?" asks Toga, considerably more excited than when Magne had to drag her out of her chair.

"I dunno, what did you have in mind?" The tone in their boss' voice suggests he's going to turn down whatever she says, but Himiko never has been good with his social cues.

"Truth or dare! Twenty questions! Spin the bottle! Two truths and a lie! Would you rather! Kiss, marry, kill! Concen---"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" he snaps. "Whatever, just pick one. Maybe it'll stop Dabi from puking his guts out in my stolen car."

As Compress expands the white van in the alleyway next to the League's hideout, Toga cheers. "Jin, what do you want?"

"I don't care. Two truths and a lie!" He quickly clambers into the car, seizing the back left window seat.

"Sounds great!" She shuffles in next to him. "Kuro, you start!"

He lets out a short sigh. "Yes, alright, fine. I suppose I can come up with something."

Dabi hesitantly gets into the front seat, setting his own empty knapsack by his feet. "This better not get weird, or I'll just hop out of the window."

Shigaraki gives his boyfriend a pointed glare as he takes the wheel in his half-gloved hands. "I told you, you're not allowed to make jokes like that anymore. You worry me."

"Sorry," he says dryly, not sounding very sorry at all. "I'll just eat all my Altoids at once then."

The rest of the team piles in, Suichi next to Toga; Compress, Magne, and Kurogiri in the middle row. "Why wear our villain costumes if we're being discreet when we arrive?" asks Spinner, struggling with his scarf.

"To scare civilians when we stop for food. I hate lines," says Tomura, starting the car.

"Are you sure you know how to drive?" asks Jin, hand raised. "I have complete faith in ya, boss man!"

"Yes, I know how to drive, I've been playing racing games since I was younger than Toga!" he snaps.

"Okay, okay, go," says Himiko, smacking her hand on Kurogiri's shoulder.

The purple void thinks as Shigaraki pulls into the street, already scratching at his neck. "Hm...Alright, I'm ready. Number one: I am twenty-eight years old. Number two: my real name is Morimi Yoshiano. Number three: I have a scar on my eyebrow that makes it look like I shaved a slit in it to be edgy."

Magne laughs. "That third one has to be the lie."

He shakes his head, sending swirls of mist into the backseat. "Entirely true."

"Number one is," rasps Tomura. "If that were true, I would have met you when you were thirteen or so. Possible, but unlikely."

"Well, I suppose it's fitting you guessed it. Is it your turn then?"

"'Morimi Yoshiano'. That sounds off for some reason. I think I'll stick with 'Black Fog'," says Compress.

There's a murmur of agreement across the car. "Okay, I think I'm ready. My hair used to be black, I hate Sonic the hedgehog, or I've never been in a movie theatre."

Dabi turns to him with a "ha". "I know for a fact your hair was black as a kid. And everybody hates Sonic, so---"

"Excuse me, what?" Tomura almost swerves into the next lane as he turns to his now-green-tinged boyfriend. "Everybody hates Sonic?!?"

"Face the street, creep, and stop treating this like bumper cars," he says in a wavering voice.

Shigaraki faces forward. "Sonic was and is an iconic video game, vital to the development of---"

"Was it the lie or not?" whines Toga.

He huffs. "Yes, it was the lie. Your turn."

"One: I used to think Tomura was cute. Two: I've eaten dog before. Three: One time I stabbed Dabi's arm while he was asleep, and he didn't even notice."

Kurogiri looks back, slightly disturbed. "I'm not sure which answer I want to be correct."

"I don't think you'd eat a dog," says Jin, though he sounds unsure.

"That's what she wants you to---" A weird noise from Dabi cuts Spinner off. "Gross, man."

Dabi tosses a mint at his teammate's head after popping one in his mouth. "Shut up. I can't help it."

"This is getting boring, you guys are being too easy," says Toga. "The lie was the dog one."

"So what now?" ask Twice. "I am perfectly content!"

"I dunno, why don't we play spin the bottle like you suggested earlier? It's certainly high risk," says Magne.

"High risk? What do you mean?"

She grins, adjusting herself in her seat. "Well, we have a gremlin with crusty lips, a queasy piece of bacon, me, Sako, a void, a sociopath, Deadpool, and a lizard. There's not really any solid wins besides my boyfriend, and that's brought down by the fact that his not-singleness makes it awkward."

Suichi grins. "Like a game of chicken. I'm in."

"I wouldn't call myself a void, but alright, I guess."

"Isn't Himiko a minor?" asks Shigaraki, itching his neck.

"You're concerned about that but not---" Dabi hiccups, "---not driving with a hand over your face?"

Tomura huffs and takes the hand off, tossing it onto Dabi's lap. "Happy? Now I may be a criminal, but I have, like, morals."

"Oh, come on, Shiggy. I'm consenting. And it's just a little kiss," she whines. "I don't have any people my age to be my age around, you know? I want my teenage years to be as teenager-y as possible."

He stops joltily at a red light. "Alright, but if this is what we get arrested for, I blame you."

She grins. "Okay, just let me pull up the app!" Jin huddles over next to her for a minute as they type in names and adjust settings. "Ready! Who's spinning first?"

"What's the punishment if you pass?" asks Compress, taking off his mask and fanning himself with it.

"Hmmmmmmm." She taps her chin. "A good question."

"Whoever chickens out has to buy the person they didn't kiss something from wherever we stop," suggests Magne. 

Everyone groans. Everyone is broke. Even the author, writing this at 1 am after a mental breakdown is broke. The fourth wall is broke.

Anyway.

Toga presses the button on her screen, and the automated sound of a spinning game wheel sounds throughout the car alongside Dabi's groans of discomfort. "And I will be kissing...Suichi!"

The scaly villain groans. "Why me?" Still, he faces his left and takes the quick peck. "Okay, my turn." His clawed finger presses the button, and once again suspense fills the air. "Compress, that's you."

"Must I?" he asks dryly, turning around. The ordeal is over as quickly as the first round, and Compress removes his glove. "This is setting up to be a long road trip." The clicking begins once again, and finally lands on Kurogiri's name.

"Whoaaaa," crows Jin. "Are you gonna have to deactivate your quirk? We don't want his face going through. That would be hilarious!"

Kurogiri tenses. "Um. Well, there is always the option of buying you something."

"We're all broke and you know that. Come on, it isn't that bad." The magician pulls his glove on, leaning over his girlfriend.

"Yeah, besides, we wanna see your face! It's like a fun little mystery!" says Toga, leaning forward on her elbows.

Tomura glances back. "You don't have to if you don't want to, Kuro."

"No, no, they have a right to know what I look like. It's waited long enough," he says with a sigh.

Dabi, bag held lazily in one hand, turns around slowly, trying to act apathetic. Kurogiri rolls down his window, letting a gust of air in, and the fog around his slowly dissipates. 

"Whoa, you're kinda hot, in a weird, battle-worn kind of way," says Jin. "That's a lot of damage! And we're gonna repair it using flex tape!" He puts a banana sticker on the man's forehead.

Kurogiri peels the sticker off slowly, taking a few purple hairs out in the process. His face is scattered with patches of light skin, making his dark eyes stand out against his features. "What is flex tape?"

And this is where I stopped oof

[marvelxreader]

Stop and Stare

Requests: Hey Lara, can I request a Tom Hiddleston imagine where you have been dating for a while and you finally make it official? Thank you, I love your blog!!

Hi! May i request Tom Hiddleston x reader fluff? Going to a carnival, holding hands and him winning you toys and stuff? Thank you lovely .x

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1,5 k

A/N: Sooo.. I really don’t know how I feel about this one, please let me know what you think!

Y/N = Your Name

Y/L/N = Your Last Name

Tom and you met at the set of the upcoming Avengers movie, where he asked you out on the second week of shooting. You’ve been dating since then but decided to keep it on the low, because you didn’t want the media to ruin it. He was hands down the best boyfriend you could ask for, but you were afraid that something might change if you made it public. There was  this other side of you though, the one that wanted to shout your love from the rooftops and show the whole world what an amazing boyfriend you had and after these couple of months, you felt like it was finally time to take it there.

————————————————

„You ready, Tom? We need to go now, or we‘ll be late for the interview“, you shouted from downstairs, already waiting for him at the door, as he almost tripped over his shoes while sprinting down the steps.

„I told you to not leave them lying around everywhere“, you chuckled, earning a glare from Tom. The two of you left his apartment and the cold air instantly made you shiver.

„I told you to bring a warmer jacket“, he mocked you as he took off his coat, wrapping it around your shoulders.

„Do you think that‘s a good idea? The paparazzi will lose their shit if they see me walking around with your clothes on“

„I‘d rather risk our relationship getting public than watching my girlfriend freeze“, he answered, earning a smile from you.

After a few minutes, your chauffeur arrived and you got in the back of the black Range Rover, Tom following right after.

————————————————

„Welcome Ms. Y/L/N, welcome Mr. Hiddleston. I‘m Josh, your interviewer for today. Please, take a seat“, a tall man in his twenties greeted you and pointed at the two chairs in front of the camera, while his eyes roamed your body from head to toe.

The two of you sat down beside each other and the questions started right away. Josh asked Tom about the shoot, the costumes and the movie in general, before he turned to you.

“So Y/N, as we all know, you’re the newest member of the Avengers. You play a very physical role, how long have you been training for this part?”

“Well, since I do most of my own stunts, I need to be in the best shape possible, so I’ve been training for about one and a half years non-stop”

“Wow, that’s dedication. Is there a reason why you do your own stunts, or do you just enjoy a bit of pain?”, Josh winked at you, making you feel uncomfortable and you could see Tom shift in his seat from the corner of your eye.

“You can see my face in a lot of the fight scenes, so I have no other choice than to do the stunts myself”, you answered, trying to sound as confident as possible.

“I understand. So, your costume is mostly out of leather and metal, right? How long does it take to get out of it?”, he asked, his eyes lingering on you.

„Shouldn‘t you be asking how long it takes her to get into the costume?“, Tom interfered, the anger in him slowly rising.

You considered stopping the interview, but you knew it would blow up in the news by tomorrow, so you just kept it professional and let it slide.

“It takes a lot of people and time to get me into the costume, but after a long day of shooting I can’t wait to get out of it. It’s just so uncomfortable”

“I can only imagine.. It’s also very tight, so everything underneath it would probably be visible. Do you wear anything beneath the costume?”, a smirk grew on the interviewer’s face, “Or are you just nake - ”

“You know what? I think that’s enough for today. Let’s get out of here, love”, Tom interrupted him before taking your hand and leading you to the exit.

The two of you were walking out of the building and onto the streets of London, when Tom turned to you.

„What the hell was that?“, he asked, still upset about the previous situation, „You shouldn‘t tolerate that, darling. He was being so disrespectful to you“

“If I had turned him down, the media would have portrayed me as a dramatic bitch. You know how it is“, you said while keeping your eyes on the ground, causing Tom to stop in his tracks and lift your chin up.

„Listen Y/N, he asked you inappropriate questions and you had every right to stop the interview back there. Next time something like this happens, you stand up for yourself, okay?“, he said before giving you a kiss on the forehead.

„We‘re still out in public, you know that, right?“

„So what? They must have figured it out by now“

„Does that mean we‘re making this official?“, you grinned at him.

„I guess so“, he said, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear, “You know what? I don’t want to go home yet and there’s a carnival down at Crystal Palace Park. Let’s go there”

And with that, he intertwined his fingers with yours. The two of you have been dating for a while now, but this was a whole new experience. You never hugged, kissed or held hands out in public, but the feeling of not having to hide anymore was overwhelming.

————————————————

The both of you were sharing some candy floss at the carnival and giggling at a stupid joke, when a teenage girl pointed at Tom, screaming in excitement.

“Oh my god, it’s Tom Hiddleston! Can I have a picture with you, please?”

“Of course”, he said with a big smile on his face. 

The girl handed her phone to her mother before she came running towards you. You wanted so step out of frame so that she could get a photo with your boyfriend, but instead Tom tightened the grip around your waist, pulled you closer to him and smiled into the camera. After a couple of pictures, he turned to her and started a conversation. You knew how much he enjoyed chatting with his fans, so you wandered off to give them a bit of privacy.

“You’re great in ‘The Night Manager’, I never miss an episode of it!”, the girl said, “and by the way, your girlfriend is very beautiful”

“I know, right? I’m a lucky man”, he looked at you while you watched the bumper cars a few feet away. 

“You sure are. Anyway, thanks again for the picture! Have a great evening”, and with that, she walked off again.

You were eating the remaining candy floss by yourself, when Tom’s arm snaked around your waist. You turned around and looked up at him, before giving him a peck on the lips.

„I love the way you treat your fans. Promise me that it will never change, no matter how famous you get“, you said in a low voice.

„I promise, darling“, Tom answered and you smiled in response.

„The sun is about to go down. Let‘s go on the Ferris wheel and watch it“, you suggested.

„Didn‘t think you were such a hopeless romantic“, he grinned at you while wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

„I‘m full of surprises, you should know that by now“, you winked at him.

„I do, and I can‘t wait to see them all“

Lucky for you, there weren‘t many people standing in line for the Ferris wheel and after a few minutes, the two of you sat in a capsule 200 feet above the ground.

You were watching in awe, as the warm sunlight consumed all of London and the last sun rays sparkled on the surface of the Thames, but Tom was too distracted to notice any of it.

He rather watched the golden light illuminate your face, making you look like a goddess. There was this sparkle in your eyes when you smiled and even though Tom had his whole world right in front of him, you were completely unaware of your beauty, so he felt the need to change that.

„You‘re stunning, darling. I don‘t even know what I did to deserve you“, he said, his voice nothing more than a whisper. He brought your hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss on your knuckles, making you blush.

„I‘m so in love with you, Y/N“

You turned to him with a big smile on your face. Tom told you about his feelings before, but it wasn‘t a common thing. He was more about making you feel loved than just telling you every day. You respected that and the best part was that it made you feel even more special when he actually said it.

You reached out for his collar and pulled him towards you, before you pressed your lips against his. Tom‘s hands cupped your face as he smiled into the kiss, proud to be yours.

„I love you too, Tom“

„We should’ve made it public sooner, this is so much better“, he chuckled, before kissing you again.

[joyofcrime-elinorhigh]

Top 10 Obscure Christmas Specials II:

 Guys! Guys! I'll get to the review proper in a second, but remember last year when I talked about A Cranberry Christmas? I said that it was lost media. WELL IT'S BEEN FOUND! HALLELUJAH! [link]

 Hell-ho ho ho everybody! My name is JoyofCrimeArt, and it's that time of year again! Christmas time is upon us, and there is no escaping it! The radio is playing the same ten Christmas songs on loop (nine if they've already banned Baby, It's Cold Outside.) The feeling of kindness and generosity shared between you and your fellow man. And best of all, their finally airing all those weird ass Christmas and holiday specials.  I love Christmas specials! Even the not very good one's usually have SOMETHING good about them! Whether it be some kind of festive ambiance, a good message, or just being very easy to make fun of. Sure, everybody knows about the classics Christmas specials. Frosty the Snowman, The Grinch, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, ect. But that's only the tip of the iceberg. But with Christmas being such a massive holiday, There are THOUSANDS of other Christmas and holiday specials out there that mostly go unnoticed every year! And while most of these specials go unnoticed for a reason, some are actually worth a watch, and act as hidden gems. And that'd why I'm here. To count down five more of these weird, bizarre, and unknown Christmas specials, that way you can check them out before the holidays are over. This is 5 Obscure Christmas Specials You Should Watch Part II.  Now, I've done this before last year. (Link here if you haven't seen it. Top 5 Obscure Christmas Specials You Should Watch:) As such I'm going to be following the same rules as I did last time. I'll be ranking these specials not by quality, but by how much you should watch them! Because sometimes a bad or cheesy Christmas special can provide more entertainment value than a really good one. But don't take the number ranking to seriously. This is mostly just a showcase of bizarre specials that you might not have heard of, and the actually number rankings aren't really the focus here. But with all that said, let's get this started with... Number 5: Neo Yokio: Pink Christmas (2018) (Oh, the Cringe!)  Just like to remind all of you that this is still running while Daredevil is canceled. Anyway, Jaden Smith is back! Just in case six episodes just wasn't synergy for you, now there is a Christmas special. Neo Yokio's Pink Christmas. This sixty-six minute long movie continues the story of Kaz Kaan, Neo Yokio's second most eligible bachelor and top demon hunter. The special opens with him having a cold around the holidays as his robot butler, Charles, tells him an original Christmas tale to make him feel better.  Said tale follows Kaz as he has to prepare for the Neo Yokio top bachelor secret Santa contest. He finds out that he has to find a gift for his arch rival, Arcangelo. Being uninteresting in giving his rival a present, he hires a shopkeeper named Herbert Sims to handle the secret Santa contest for him. And while this is all going on he also has to deal with his Aunt Angelique visiting Neo Yokio for the holidays. But when both demonic forces and Arcangelo have plans to ruin Christmas, it's up to Kaz to set things right.  If you've seen season one of this show, this special is more of the same. However, It is a bit more refined in it's doing so for the most part. I feel like there is more INTENTIONAL comedy overall compared to the first season. And I do like how this special manages to balance both the demon hunter and the bachelor aspect of Kaz's character. As oppose to the first season, where it felt like the show forgot half way through that it was suppose to be about demon hunting. We even get some more backstory and world building on the history of Neo Yokio and the Great Demon War, which is definitely a welcome addition. And Arcangelo, much like in season one, continues to be one of the highlights. He's like a cross between Phantom Blood's Dio Brando and Jake Paul. I love him. So I like how this special has him in a more major role.  I also like some of the themes presented in the "message" of the special. How corporations around the holidays essentially try to monetize anti-materialism for there own benefit. "Sure, we'll air specials like the Grinch and Charlie Brown. Specials that are meant teach you that Christmas isn't about consumerism. Just as long as you sit through all the ads we place in the middle. It's a legit and kinda smart message that I haven't really seen tackled before. But like Neo Yokio season one I don't really know where the show stands on this topic. Is it pro or against capitalism? Maybe it's trying to show that there's no right or wrong answer, but it ends up feeling more confused than anything else.  However, what does annoy me about this special is *Spoiler Warning?* the whole thing is, presumably, not cannon. I know that from the beginning we know that it's all a story told by the butler. But I was expecting some kind of twist where everything we heard would have actually happened somehow. Like Kaz would say "Wait, didn't that all happen last week Charles?" or something. Like a joke. Cause you know, this show is supposedly a comedy. But no, it's all just a story. So all the lore and world building that was actually somewhat interesting serves absolutely no point! *Spoiler Warning Over* I can't believe I let Jaden Smith trick me yet again.  In conclusion, what you see is what you get here. If you want to see a Jaden Smith anime Christmas special, than Neo Yokio Pink Christmas is the special for you. Check it out for the clout.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLVazo8J9uE

You know what, I change my mind. Screw "There About to Warp!" this is my new favorite Toonami promo. Number 4: Crunchyroll's Christmas Special (2015) and Crunchyroll's Holiday Special (2017) (Oh, the Cringe!)  Now this is as bizarre and obscure as it comes. Just in case Neo Yokio wasn't enough for you to get your fill of vaguely anime themed Christmas nonsense, we have not one but TWO different Holiday specials brought to you from the lovely people of Crunchyroll. For a company as big and professional as Crunchyroll, you would think that any kind of special that they would make would have to be at least somewhat well produced, safe, and marketable, right? But that's not what this is at all.  What we basically got here is two half hour long "variety show" style specials that were released on both Crunchyroll and Youtube. Both specials are pretty much the same in terms of content. There both just a smorgasbord of random sketches, out of context anime clips, straight up ads for their own service and merch. All themed around the holidays and anime. This special has a real [adult swim] vibe to it, relying on a lot of surreal humor and anti-comedy. In fact, it might of even out [adult swim]'d [adult swim] in it's sheer bizarreness. It's honestly pretty hard to describe without just telling you to see the special for yourself.  Both specials are hosted by some guy named Mike Toole. I don't know who this guy is, but he's one of the best things about these special. He's just portrayed as this bumbling goof who's just unfazed by everything but really loves Christmas and anime. He has some really good comedic timing and his dry but cheerful delivery is a consistently funny thought both specials.  The specials aren't perfect however. Not all of the skits land and some of them go on for WAY to long. But that's kinda what happens with any sketch show. You gotta take the good with the bad. But do you know what you should do if you want REAL otherworldly experience? Watch the Neo Yokio Christmas special, but pause it at random intervals and watch this special. Treating the sketches like the bumpers you would get in between the ads of a TV show. It's a horrible idea that I'm not willing to try, but I feel doing so could lead somebody to either madness or true enlightenment. And I want someone else to be the guinea pig for that.  If you're a fan of both anime and weird surrealist humor then I would actually recommend checking these specials out. There both up online for free, so what do you have to lose?

Number 3: The OTHER Charlie Brown Christmas Specials (1992, 2002, and 2003)  So everybody knows about a Charlie Brown Christmas. It's like, one of the most famous Christmas special of all time. Charlie Browns sad. They hold a play. Snoopy kisses Lucy on the mouth without her consent #MeToo. Linus gives a speech about Jesus to an empty auditorium cause adults don't exist in this world. Everybody sings. THE END. Timeless classic, we all know it. But many are not aware of the OTHER Peanuts holiday specials.  There are three. 1992's It's Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown. 2002's Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales. And 2003's I Want a Dog For Christmas Charlie Brown. Like all the Peanuts specials made after Charles Schulz's death, these are all just a collection of random Peanuts comics that were animated. As oppose to the original Charlie Brown Christmas special that had an original story written by Schulz's himself. All three of these specials are just little vignettes based around the Peanuts gang celebrating Christmas.  While none of these specials are as ambitious or as heartfelt as the original special we all know and love, I don't think that their trying to be. While the first Charlie Brown Christmas special tries to tell an important message about the true meaning of Christmas, these other specials are pretty much just jokes without much plot or sentiment. But, given that they are just adaptation of Charles Schulz's writing, you know that there going to be funny. I always forget how much of a little shit Sally is, and these specials remind me. However,  sometimes the transitioning between scenes can be a bit wonky. They clearly just copied the strips, without putting much thought in how it would work when put together in a sequence.  While It's Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown and Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales are pretty similar. But I Want a Dog For Christmas Charlie Brown takes a bit more of a different approach. It focuses mostly on Linus's little brother Rerun, and has much more of an overall plot. (Though a lot of it is still just mini vignettes.) However, while I do admire the risk, I'd say it's the weakest of the three. Rerun just isn't that interesting of a character compared to the rest of the Peanuts gang. And that one has an hour long run time, which causing the special to drag a bit. But there still are some fun highlights.  If you are a fan of the Peanuts comic strips or specials, I would highly recommend these specials. They're light fluff, but They're good light fluff. They might not give you that warm Christmas feeling, but they will make you laugh. And sometimes that's all you need. 

Number 2: Olive the Other Reindeer (1999)  1999's Olive the Other Reindeer use to be a holiday tradition for Cartoon Network every year right long side such other TIMELESS and BELOVED holiday classics as Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer and Legend of Frosty the Snowman. But now, it's seem like it's kinda fallen into obscurity. Which sucks, cause this special is actually really good. The special follows Olive, voiced by Drew Barrymore before her magnum opus Freddy Got Fingered. Olive is a dog who isn't very good at doing traditional "dog" stuff. She's so un-dog like that she actually begins to believe that she might in fact not be a dog at all, but a reindeer. And when one of Santa's reindeer's get's injured right before Christmas, Olive believes it's up to her to trek to the North Pole and save Christmas by flying Santa's sleigh. Despite the fact that she isn't a reindeer and can't actually fly.  This is just a nice special, and a lot of that comes from Olive herself. Olive is a precious cinnamon bun who I WILL PROTECC! She's just such a kind and lovable lead, and Drew Barrymore's voice talent really helps extenuate this. But it's not just Olive, there are several other fun supporting characters too. Like Martini, a con artist penguin who accompanies Olive on her journey. There's also a evil postman (played by Dan Castellaneta) who acts as the specials main antagonist. His goal is to ruin Christmas because he hates all the extra work he has to do around the holidays. It's an interesting motivation for a villain, but they kind of ruin it in the last act by adding in a cliche "was always on the naughty list" element to his backstory. But regardless he's a fun villain. Between this and Robot Devil from Futurama Dan Castellaneta really knows how to ham it up as a villain who sings. What, you thought he wouldn't have a villain song? How naive of you.    While the special is based on a children's book the adaptation was headed by Matt Groening, which I never realized as a kid. Though that does explain why Dan Castellaneta is here. The special is a departure from his usual style, with art based more on the book instead of his usual Simpson style. The special is done in CGI surprisingly, despite the characters looking entirely flat. I don't really get the point of this. Why go through the effort of trying to use CG to make something look 2D, when you could just animate it in 2D to begin with. But whatever the reason, I do appreciate the pop up book look this special provides.  The special also carries a bit of that more adult humor, without going to far. Kind of like Murray Saves Christmas, a special that I talked about last year and also featured a lot of recurring staff members from Futurama. However, the world of this is special is weird. Santa is a known person who does radio interviews, but I guess that makes sense if we are assuming a world where Santa really exist. But then there are other oddities, like how Martini mentions how he use to work at the zoo until he got fired. But we also see Monkey's trying to escape the zoo. If being in the zoo is there job, why are they escaping? Aren't they there willingly? And why does Olive have an owner, but also a pet flea? Is this show set in the same universe as The Moxy Show? These are all questions that need to be answered.  The special is cheesey and some parts are just there to fill up time. But overall it's still a really nice special featuring some likable characters and some really funny jokes. While no means perfect, I still recommend you give it a watch if you can. 

Ahhh, nothing says Christmas like Santa, Pope John Paul II, Ultraman, and Quasimodo. Number 1: Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas (1999) And to end this countdown, let's end on a Christmas special that just screams wholesome. Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas. Probably the best direct to video product Disney has ever made. (Not that doing so is very hard.) This special is pretty simple. It's three different Christmas specials stitched together to equal an hour long movie, each staring a different Disney character. We got Huey, Dewey and Louie wishing on a shooting star hoping for it to be Christmas everyday. We have Goofy trying to prove to Max that Santa is real in what I guess is a prequel toGoof Troop? And then we have Mickey and Minnie reenacting the Gift of the Magi. All these segments are linked together by a narrator voiced by Kelsey Grammer. His voice is so warm and cozy in this special, and really helps add to the mood. Sure, none of these stories are that original, but that's fine because there well executed. There's just such an earnest sensitivity to this special that it's hard not to not feel all Christmas-y while watching it. The animation, while nothing that fantastic, is good for direct to video. And it manages to do both cartoon-y slapstick and warmer more emotion moments pretty well.  The special isn't perfect. Some of the segments can feel a bit longer than they need to be despite the fact that the films so short. They're written like TV episodes but most run close to thirty minutes instead of twenty two. Also the last segment, with Mickey and Minnie, while not bad, is probably my least favorite. So it kinda ends on it's weakest note, though I get why they ended with it. Mickey just isn't my favorite of the Disney cast. I personally prefer the cartoon-y antics of Donald or the kindhearted nature of Goofy more in this special.  Goofy is also a precious cinnamon bun who I will protecc. And I ship him with Olive.  There was a sequel, Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas, released in 2004. I haven't seen it in a while, but I remember it not being very good. It's goes for five shorter stories instead of three more focused ones, and I remember there being less of a warm Christmas-y essence to it. It was more jokes and less sentiment. Also, they replace the beautiful 2D animation for CGI. In 2004. With a direct to video budget. I can commend the ambition, but that probably wasn't the best movie. But if you want a nice wholesome Christmas special that the whole family can enjoy, than Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas an underrated pick I highly recommend you check out this holiday season.

 And so there we have it. five (or technically eight now that I think about it) obscure Christmas specials that I highly suggest that you look into this holiday season. But again, there are WAY more underrated specials that just these out there. So I may have to revisit this idea again at some point in the future and do a part three. What would you all think of that? And what weird, obscure, underrated Christmas specials do you guys watch every year? I'd love to hear all about em in the comments down bellow! I'm always looking for new specials to watch! Please fav, follow, and comment if you liked the review. And I hope you have a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah (Even though that ended a week ago) Happy Ramadan (Even though that ended in June) Or whatever holiday you celebrate. Life Day? Regardless, Happy Holidays to you all! May your days be merry and bright!  Now if you excuse me, I have to go work on 2018 year in review. Have a great day, and see you then! (I do not own any of the images or videos in this review. All credit goes to there original owners.)

https://www.deviantart.com/joyofcrimeart/journal/Top-5-Obscure-Christmas-Specials-II-776656208 DA Link

[sis-tafics]

My Story

Summary: Jensen goes through the hardest day of his life.

Characters: Reader, Jensen

Pairings: Jensen x Reader

Word Count: 3500

Warnings:  PLEASE READ THESE- Death, Angst, loss of a child during pregnancy, mentions of trouble getting pregnant, mentions of a previous stillborn. Jensen’s POV

A/N: Thank you guys so much for reading. This is both for Kari’s ( @thing-you-do-with-that-thing ) 9.5K British Song Challenge. My song was Small Bump by Ed Sheeran and Steph’s ( @torn-and-frayed ) Gif Challenge

This is unbetaed, all mistakes are mine

It’s been a long ass day filming, the trailer nap didn’t cut it and I can’t wait to get home. Pulling out my phone, I look at the sonogram snapshot on my phone, the one Y/N had sent me earlier from the appointment I’d missed, and I can’t help but smile as Cliff drives and bitches about the traffic, Jared talking to Gen in the other seat.

She’s so tiny, her profile defined and damn she’s got her mother’s nose. Five more months, five more months until I get to meet our baby girl. I’m so pissed I missed the appointment an hour ago, but Jared had been provoking Mish and the scene had taken way longer than expected. I couldn’t exactly tell them why I needed to go, Y/N and I haven’t told anyone yet. We’ve spent the better part of three years trying, had one stillborn, and a handful of false readings. Even though we are four months in, it doesn’t seem real.

I’m heading home. See you soon baby

It was just this last checkup and we were finally going to tell our friends and family. We really don’t have much choice, Y/N is just starting to show, and pretty soon she won’t be able to hide it. And anyways, so far so good. Every appointment so far, everything has been normal, and Y/N had texted me right away and told me everything went great this time too.

“Jensen, I hope you didn’t tell Y/N you were on your way, there’s an accident up ahead and it is going to be awhile.”

“Too late,” I chuckle, tossing the phone on the seat, staring out the window. She won’t mind anyways, I’m sure she’s just making it there herself, and we aren’t going anywhere tonight, just ordering in and spending the weekend together.

The SUV creeps up by the flashing lights of the cop cars and the ambulances on the six lane, the officers directing traffic to the far lane and around, trying to keep rush hour traffic moving.

I glance down and realize I left my phone unlocked, the picture still up. Jared sees it and snatches it off the seat.

“Give it back,” I try to get it out of his hands but he pushes me away.

“Is this...Is Y/N-?”

I swallow hard, “We haven’t told anyone yet… Not after what happened last time.”

Our first baby had been fine for awhile and then right after the six month mark, they couldn’t find a heartbeat. It had almost destroyed us. We’d only been married for about a year at that point, she’d shut herself off. She had to deliver and I couldn’t get a word out of her for weeks and weeks, I wasn’t much better. It really fucked us up for awhile, but we came out of it stronger than before.

Jared hands my phone back to me, “Congrats man.”

“Thanks, just don’t tell her I told you,” I chuckle.

“I won’t say a word.”

“Yeah right,” I smile, looking at the picture again, “You can’t keep a secret to save your life. Gen will know in five minutes.”

He laughs, his whole body shaking as he looks out the window, “Hey, it’s a good thing you aren’t driving, this car looks like your Dodge.”

My heart leaps into my throat, jumping; Y/N’s Impala was in the shop, she’d driven my car to her appointment today.

As we pass the crash a Dodge is demolished, smoking, it looks like a fucking pretzel. It can’t be her, but my heart keeps thumping in my chest and then it stops completely, seeing the anti possession decal on the bumper. She’d gotten us matching ones as a kinda inside joke.

“Cliff, stop the fucking car,” and I’m halfway out the door before he can, running through the open lane towards the accident. It feels like I’m running through mud, the smoke of the burning oil and gas clogging the air as the firefighters put out the last of it.

Hands grab me, stopping me in my tracks, “Sir, I’m going to need you to get back in your vehicle.”

I look over at him, shaking my head, seeing other officers heading over.

“Sir-”

“That is my fucking vehicle, my wife was driving it. That’s my-”

His hands drop, waving the others off, “I’m going to need you to calm down.”

“Where’s my wife...Y/N!” I look around frantically, where is she, she’s gotta be okay, her and the baby have gotta be okay, “Y/N!”

The officer tries to grab me and I shove him off, heading towards the wreck, panicking. There is a pickup that barely looks touched a little ways back and another car that spun out, hitting the median. No, no, no.

“Jensen,” Jared grabs me and spins me around.

“Y/N, she-” I can’t find the words.

“Jensen, they took her to the hospital, the ambulance already left. Let’s get back in the car and get there so we can figure out what’s going on.”

“Jared-”

“C’mon man, let’s get you out of here,” he pulls me towards the SUV.

I let him guide me, unable to think of anything but her. No, this can’t be happening.

The hospital is ten minutes away but that feels like years, time passing too slowly as I try to picture her face but can’t for some reason, the thought of the sonogram creeping in every time I think of her. They have to be alright, they need to be alright. I can’t go through that again, and I can’t lose Y/N.

Cliff pulls the SUV in front of the ER doors and Jared tries to follow me as I sprint in the doors, right up to the desk, “My wife was brought here…”

The lady looks up, holding her finger up for me to wait as she talks on the phone.

“Goddammit!” I shout, shoving papers off the desk, sending them flying, “Hang up your damn phone I need to know what’s going on with my wife, she was in a car crash.”

“Sir I’m going to need you to-.”

“No!” I yell, “Fuck that, I need to know if she’s okay. Her name is Y/N Ackles, she was brought in in the last half hour, now tell me where my wife is!”

“Come with me please,” an older woman in scrubs that was sitting farther down the station stands up and motions for me to follow her.

I nod, “Where’s my wife?”

“I’ll take you to her,” she smiles, but it isn’t really there, it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“Please,” I swallow hard, feeling the tears sting the corners of my eyes, fuck, I’m so scared.

“It’s okay honey, just walk with me, we are going upstairs,” she waits for me to catch up to her, leading the way towards the elevators.

“Is she alive?” I whisper.

“I’m going to take you up to surgery and see if I can get someone to talk to you that knows more.”

“Is she alive?” I ask again, quieter, jumping when the elevator beeps.

“As far as I know yes,” she gets in the elevator and hits the button for floor eleven.

“What about our baby?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, they will know more upstairs.”

The floors click by- two, three, four, five...It’s too slow and with every floor the rotting feeling in my gut gets worse. If I just would have told them I had to go I would have been with her, this might not have happened.

The doors open at floor eleven and I let her out before me, and now instead of rushing and feeling like everything around me is moving too slow it feels like the world is rushing and I’m stuck here standing even though somehow my feet are carrying me forward.

She talks to another nurse behind the counter, gesturing towards me as I look around, there are people sitting in chairs, people flying through the halls, pushing gurneys and yelling numbers and orders. The place smells like fucking death and bleach.

“Come on honey let’s get you set up in the waiting room.”

“I thought you were going to take me to see her.”

“The nurse said she is still in surgery, she’s with Dr. Hanson, she’s in good hands. As soon as he can, he will come and find you.”

“But-”

She touches my arm, “There is nothing you can do but be here for her. Can I get you anything?”

I shake my head, trying like hell to stop the tears as she leads me to a room full of chairs. There is one other woman sitting in here, sobbing. I take a chair as far away from her as I can, resting my elbows on my knees, rubbing my face, I still can’t believe this is happening. Why is this happening?

I can’t think, I need to know if she’s okay, I need to know if they are okay and I’m not going to get answers anytime soon.

“Hey bud,” Jared slides into the seat across from me, “did they tell you anything?”

I shake my head, brushing the tear off my cheek, “Nurse couldn’t tell me anything other than she is in surgery. They didn’t even tell me what was wrong. Fuck.” I run my hands over my face, pressing as hard as I can, “Fuck.”

“I’m sure she’s fine, Y/N’s tough.”

“Yeah, yeah...I know. Did you find out what happened?”

Jared nods, “Yeah, I talked to one of the cops I found after you ran off. The truck hit her, they think the guy was texting and driving, went across his lane, another and into hers and ran her into the median. He was life flighted here.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I snap, “This happened because some asshole couldn’t put his damn phone down? I’m going to fucking kill him if he isn’t dead already.”

“Easy,” he puts his hands up, “let’s just worry about Y/N first.”

“Y/N,” I whisper, almost whine and bury my face in my hands, trying like hell to hold it together. Not knowing is the absolute worst part, my mind is going crazy, but I know they would have told me if she was already dead, there’s still gotta be hope, there has to be. I  can’t do this without her.

The minutes tick by into hours, people come and go, Jared leaves for awhile, comes back with coffees and is gone again. I can’t blame him, this place is awful, filled with people finding out the fates of their loved ones and I’m still sitting here waiting.

I think about her smile, about when we first started dating. She’s weird and quirky in the best way possible, always saying random shit that makes me laugh. That’s not what made me want to marry her though, what really did me in was the love I could always feel radiating off of her, her passion, her strength.

“Mr. Ackles?” A voice cuts through my thoughts.

“Yeah,” I stand up quickly, closing the distance to the man in the blood covered scrubs.

“I’m Dr. Hanson, I’ve been working on your wife-”

I swallow, “How is she doc? Is the baby alright?”

His face doesn’t show any emotion and I don’t know what to expect, “Your wife came in in critical condition, she had a lot of damage to her organs, broken ribs, severe burns on her arms, but what we’ve been working on is her brain, there was a significant amount of hemorrhaging and swelling. We’ve done what we can for now, but only time will tell. The one big thing is she is breathing on her own.”

“She’s alive?”

He grimaces, “For now, but Mr. Ackles I have to be quite frank, it’s going to take a miracle for her to survive the night. Unless the swelling in her brain goes down, best case she will be alive but will not have any brain function.”

“She’ll be brain dead?” No, I can’t lose her, I won’t.

“Yes.”

I close my eyes, rubbing my face, trying like hell to keep it together, “The baby?”

“I’m so sorry, we tried everything we could but your wife was losing blood too fast and she sustained injuries that were fatal to the fetus. We lost the heartbeat about an hour into surgery.”

“It’s not a fucking fetus, it’s our baby!” I growl, the surge of anger and loss rushing through me.  I can’t look at him, turning away, grabbing the closest chair and tossing it across the room into the wall. Not again, please God don’t let this be happening again, I can’t get through this without her, “No!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Jared comes rushing up to me, grabbing my forearms, trying to keep me from doing any more damage to the waiting room and scaring the shit out of the few people there.

“Jare-” I choke, unable to process this. I thought if it ever happened again, if we ever lost another baby I would know how to deal with it, but nothing could have prepared me for this, nothing.

I turn back to the doctor, “I want to see her, I n-need to.”

“I can take you to her, she’s out of surgery.”

I follow him down the incredibly empty and brightly lit halls, and it’s like I know what’s going on but I don’t understand. My chest hurts, and I feel like I’m going to throw up everywhere and everything feels stiff and it’s hard to move. My feet carry me, but my brain doesn’t follow Dr. Hanson. All I can think about is my wife, my wife and our little girl.

He stops in front of a door, “I’m going to give you a couple minutes and then I can answer any questions that you have.”

He holds the door open for me, and I walk in, fuck. She’s laying here, her head wrapped in white gauze, hooked up to tubes.

“No,” I walk up to her side, her face bruised and cut, stitches across her cheekbone, “No sweetheart.”

I run my fingers over her hand gently, scared to death that I’m going to hurt her. She feels colder than normal and I guess it’s all this shit they are pumping into her.

“Goddammit Y/N, I’m so sorry,” I should have been there, I should have been driving, the otherside of the car had barely been touched, she would have been fine.

My whole body shudders as the sob wracks through me, she can’t be here like this. The shouldn’t be her.

“Fuck,” I hiss, wiping away the tears angrily. She can pull through this, she has to pull through this. Y/N’s tough, hell, she’s put up with me for five years.

On the table beside her there are some of her belongings, it must have been what she had in her pockets when they brought her in. Her phone is laying there, perfectly intact. I pick it up.

“J-Jensen?” Her voice breaks through the quiet and I shove the phone in my pocket. Her voice makes my heart swell in my chest, the most beautiful sound in the world.

“Hey, hey, I’m right here baby,” I take her hand.

She blinks, looking around, confused, trying to get up, “Jensen? Where? W-What?

“Hold on, take it easy,” I push her back down gently, “You’re in the hospital.”

Her face falls, her hand tearing away from mine and moving to her stomach, her eyes widening and my heart breaks. I open my mouth, but words don’t come out, how do I tell her? How can I?

But I don’t have to, the tears start streaming down her face and she lets out a choked sob, looking away from me.

“Y/N?”

She looks back at me, her eyes glistening, “Jensen, I’m sorry, I’m so s-sorry.”

“Oh sweetheart, it’s not your fault,” I cup her chin, pressing my lips against her cheek, “it’s not your fault baby, it’s that asshole that ran into you.”

She shakes, sobbing harder.

I don’t know what to do, how to comfort her, how to fix this. Then I realize there is no way I can, because even though I’m suffering I have her, I can do this with her, but I’m not a mom, it’s not the same, I’ll never know what that feels like.

Her head rolls to the side as she looks at me, but she doesn’t say anything. Her eyes are so sad, lost and she’s trying like hell to hold it together.

“Jensen,” she whispers, her voice helpless and high pitched, “I-I-I…”

Her head snaps back and the monitors start beeping like crazy, but one screams louder than the rest, a constant beep with no change in tone, “Y/N? Y/N!”

Shit, no, she’s fine, she was just talking to me, “Hey! I need help! Hey!”

People in scrubs come rushing in, Dr. Hanson with them, yelling back and forth as they flatten the bed and start doing compressions. All I get are bits and pieces as I back up against the wall.

“Flatlining.”

“Charge.”

“Clear.”

“No pulse.”

“Charge.”

“Clear.”

“One more time.”

“Clear.”

“Nothing.”

“Call it.”

“Time of death 20:52.”

I don’t know where I’m going but I can’t stay here, my feet taking me down the hall, away from her. She’s gone, everything is gone. Nothing matters.

Jared is standing in the waiting room, but I walk right by him, down the hallway a little before I can’t move anymore, leaning up against the wall, breaking down and falling apart. I punch the wall, the tile not moving but at least I feel something and I do it again, my knuckles cracking.

“Excuse me.”

I look over and there is a man leaning on his crutches, his face bruised but that’s it.

“What?” I snap.

He swallows, unable to look me in the eyes and I know. This is the fucker that hit her, that killed her and my baby.

“You son of a bitch,” I grab him up by the collar of his shirt, slamming him against the wall, my fist colliding with his face again and again, “you fucking killed them.”

He doesn’t fight me as I hit him again and again.

“Stop!” A woman’s voice screams, “Stop!”  

Hands grab my forearm, and I try to shake it off but then I see the woman that was crying in the waiting room earlier, “Please stop.”

I drop him, not saying a word as I back away, turning and rushing down the hall, I have to get out of here.

I get outside, the buzzing in my pocket making me stop, but I pull out her phone instead of mine, the last text I sent her still in the notification box on the screen.

I’m heading home. See you soon baby

____________

Eighteen Months Later:

I set the final wreath on Y/N’s headstone, taking a step back, my eyes traveling from hers to the two smaller ones beside her. I feel my heart sink and the tears prick the corners of my eyes.

Fuck, it hasn’t gotten easier and truth be told, I don’t think I want it to, I don’t want to forget her.

“I be back later baby, I promise. I miss you so much,” I choke before I touch the top of the stone, heading through the wet morning grass to the car.

I drive to the church I’ve been going to every week since a month after the accident. I’ve never said a word, just sat and listened. Jared made me start going after he had to come get me out of the drunk tank at the police station, and I’ve gone ever since. I didn’t like it then, I’m still not sure I like it now, but the repetition, the fact that it gives me something to do once a week, the repetition gives me some structure.

I take the seat I always do, the one furthest from the door, waiting for people to filter in and fill up the other chairs. The group leader, Darcy, starts the meeting, giving the usual speech, that anyone is welcome to talk, that we are all here to support one another.

“So if anyone would like to start off today, the floor is open.”

It’s quiet for a moment. Shit. She’d want me to get better.

I clear my throat and everyone looks my way, and half of them are shocked. I’ve been here seventeen months and never said a word. I shift uncomfortably, “Hi...I’m Jensen and, shit...I don’t know how to start this. I just want to thank you guys for letting me be here and I’m here every week and I get to look at you, and I get to see you guys, and I know you all have a story and I-I think I’m ready to tell mine.”

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[elizabethrobertajones]

Your post about season six, and Dean forgiving Bobby and Sam for lying to him, you only mentioned Cas in passing. Cas brought Sam back and then never bothered to tell Dean anything either, and Dean still forgives him until TMWWBK when he gives Cas an ultimatum. Can you elaborate on what you meant there?

pfft, I couldn’t even remember what I said there :P 

(this post)

I mean… I was kind of skirting around it because I don’t think Dean forgives Cas? I said 6x04 was where they reconciled and you might have noticed Cas not being in it and I was helpfully keeping that post about Sam and Bobby >.> Because we don’t talk about season 6 because it’s a friggin minefield especially when you’re planted in the Destiel camp, because of how the show used Cas that season as, essentially, the main antagonist, all the way through the season.

(Also we don’t talk about it because it really hurts, I assume :P I mean I accidentally started a season 7 fanclub but that season’s relatively easy once you have hindsight that it’s all distilled Pining For A Dead Loved One with a safety net that the loved one comes back, but hindsight doesn’t do anything to having to sit through a dozen episodes of them at each other’s throats and everyone angry and everything is awful all the time >.> The closest we get to cracking any jokes around Cas is the pizza man exchange.)

Their whole tension in season 6 is that Cas isn’t coming when Dean calls and not helping them (and ugh that line is one of those ones that’s terrible in context but romantic in a gifset and thank goodness Cas says it in nicer context at least once because it was manipulative and not true in context), and they ONLY see him when they demand he comes to them, unlike previous seasons where he was always the one bringing stuff to them, or it was more obviously an equal exchange of help, like 5x10 and all the stuff where they were working together to find the Colt. I don’t think there’s a single time they see Cas that year where they didn’t wrangle him down from Heaven with threats or bribes or weary resignation that asking him to come see about the one thing he’s actually interested in is the only way to get him to come home (Dean being the unappreciated wife with the trouble child, in this case, an entire side of the season away from Crowley accusing Cas of being the philandering husband >.>) 

So in the first couple of episodes they mention Cas hasn’t been answering and that’s his implicit guilt in the same thing that @thejabberwock was saying Dean could have easily never forgiven Bobby and Sam over doing… And I think because they were on the same side and working together through the season and so on, at the very least they get over some of it just because close proximity and fighting side by side, and by the time all the cards are on the table re: Sam’s soul, by 6x07 or so, I think Dean can pretty much say it’s not really their fault if Sam was the moral compass on that decision. I mean he’s angry and miserable so I don’t think he has a sit down with himself and comes to that healthy decision, but over time I think it would easily slip away. 

But in 6x20 the worst part of it is the Cas watches Dean rake leaves moment, which not only uses the fact this *still hurts* that he didn’t come to Dean for help and bring Dean back into hunting when if anyone could have started it again it would have been Cas in that moment, but then in the actual confrontation we get another brief flashback to Cas turning away from Dean and going with Crowley when Dean asks where he was, so Cas making this mistake was the hugest part of the betrayal - that at the very least he could have let Dean know what he was doing, or they could have fought against impossible odds TOGETHER again to whatever end. I mean, like, there’s the genuine implication in that confrontation if you want to see it this way, that Dean would rather the world end but Cas hadn’t betrayed them and at least they could all go out on a moral high ground. 

Through the season it’s like what me and @mittensmorgul talk about sometimes about the whole unfinished conversation through the seasons, only when it starts here as a sort of one season microcosm version, it’s that Cas can’t and won’t tell Dean what he’s doing and why, and so Dean’s telling him stuff like, that’s ALL you’ve told us, when Cas repeats the couple of easy facts to explain what he’s doing. Dean gets to the end of the conversation in any meaningful way in 6x04 with Bobby and by the end of 6x07 he knows pretty much everything soulless!Sam didn’t tell him, including all his motivations, so he’s quite happy to work with him and try and get his soul back once all the cards are on the table. (I mean Bobby explained his motivations for keeping Dean out of the game back in 6x01 and we have no reason to suspect Bobby ever had any ulterior motives, but they had family teething problems for a bit - the first 4 episodes of the season deal with 1 member of TFW each and since Bobby had the lowest stakes of any of them, he gets resolved first to just go back to being dependable old Bobby with no particular emotional drama except being concerned about them/saving the world.)

But they hold off on using Cas until the 3rd episode and when he shows up he answers none of their questions in a satisfying way, shrugs off concern about not answering with the line about having a more profound bond with Dean (another one of those lines that looks great on a bumper sticker and has a lot of truth to it when you go deeper, but in context is actually a really shitty thing to say), and then he spends the episode not really answering anything, except for blatantly being in the middle of an escalating angel war so he has to admit some things like why angels are attacking him or why there’s even a problem they called him down for in the first place. We get his conversation alone with Balthazar to keep plot chatter away from the Winchesters and then he grants him his freedom because he needs Balthazar’s help more than he needs the good opinion of the Winchesters, especially because he’s already firmly decided with the raking leaves scene that they’re not going to be a part of it.

And that just makes the pattern from there that for the rest of the season Cas only comes when it suits him (aka when stakes are too high in the other direction - his war or Sam and Dean getting hurt, or occasionally when he can tell their friendship is really on the line if he doesn’t go, to the point he can’t make amends after he wins - that he has to drop by and try and reassure them or to get involved because they’re accidentally involved in the angel war or what have  you) even when Dean’s really worried about Sam - something we don’t know for sure until 6x20 that Cas is wracked with guilt about and also is fairly helpless to reveal his part in raising Sam about because it opens up too many other questions, namely the one about why he never got back in contact with Dean after 5x22. So it keeps on coming back to the massive void being that Cas saved Sam but then wouldn’t go to Dean for help, and it’s the empty space in his reasoning for why he doesn’t go to them casually for the entire season. 

12x19 offered us his actual motivations when it comes to them about how he feels and that he wants to protect them and I think when he justifies it he’s actually telling the truth about it because I think part of it was there was a lot of startling emotional honesty… Cas actually naming his motivations as Sam and Dean is a bit of a running joke in the show, in a very dark way, that he’ll always say it’s for Heaven like in season 9, and when Metatron called him out on it, he mostly just looked sad and affronted. Sadffronted. :P Anyway he just straight up tells Kelvin, no it’s not about Heaven and my reputation there, and honestly stuff you guys but I need some extra man power and resources, to do this for Sam and Dean. And he’s honest about the same thing when Sam and Dean catch up to him later. In season 6, which was a season-long version of the dynamic 12x19 explored as part of the Cas Retrospective of season 12, he mostly just bristled with impotent rage when things got this close to the surface, snapped something cryptic, and disappeared :P I mean I can’t even remember an exact moment that happened but he was exploiting the fact he could disappear at will to end a conversation like nobody’s business back then.

But because Cas won’t tell them anything meaningful about the plot, is massively unhelpful about Crowley until he just strategically kills him to stop the Winchesters asking too many questions, and avoids Dean over the issue of Sam’s soul, the entire first half of the season is filled with non-stop snapping, and actually Dean’s feelings towards Cas escalating into frustration and anger that only gets worse as the season goes on, and Cas can only give very small respites with unhelpful little promises he doesn’t have to follow up on if he keeps avoiding them. He gets himself a bit of a break when Crowley is dead because there’s less chance of the Winchesters stumbling onto the plan if they don’t think there’s a plan to stumble onto, and Eve works great as a distraction right up until she just goes and tells them that Crowley is still alive… But there’s a very uneasy feeling between Cas and Dean the entire time because the angel war distracting Cas is a huge hovering issue even when they’re talking about other stuff, and they never get a chance to foster better feelings or celebrate a win together or anything like that. 6x18 is possibly the only time they have a sort of aaaalmost uncomplicated good feeling and that’s because they won the episode, Cas has mostly managed to avoid suspicion about why he got stabbed.

I think it’s actually a testament to how much Cas means to Dean that when 6x20 rolls around, Dean is still staunchly defending Cas to begin with, that he can think Cas might have had his reasons all through this and that he thinks Cas is one of the good guys and can be reasoned with and if they treat him on the level it will all be fine. And in a way that is because they made it all through the season without ever addressing WHY Cas didn’t talk to him for a year so it’s sort of more like forgotten with all the new drama that’s happened since, rather than forgiven, because of course that WHY finally comes to the surface, and it turns into the entire reason they can’t reconcile this and why it’s so far gone that they missed the chance to reconcile it right back when Cas made the decision not to get Dean involved.

So I think… in a meta way… that THEY were not talking about season 6 until it was too late and that’s why Dean ever let things pass with Cas until it turned out they’d been betrayed and they should have been talking about season 6 with Cas :P I think that ultimatum didn’t really come out of the blue because Dean had been pissed off with Cas all season, but there was a sort of deep heart of hearts feeling that Cas had to utterly forsake before Dean would see Cas as betraying them, because he trusted and cared about him so much he couldn’t see it coming no matter how shady Cas acted, which meant that he was letting everything sketchy Cas did pass, including the hanging question of why HE didn’t tell Dean that Sam was back from the dead. I mean it gets to teenage girl writing in a diary, maybe he didn’t notice me because he was busy, sort of justifications but I said somewhere or other recently I think 6x20 confirmed their feelings on both sides (and I think it’s weird I’ve ever seen people say that it only confirmed one or the other, especially when I’ve seen that said both ways :P). And Dean giving Cas all those chances and benefit of the doubt to the point you could see the “oh hon” on Bobby’s face… Yeah. 

Also his determination that they could fix everything if Cas just backed off and let them help >.> Like, yeah, you’d have had to have a COMPLETELY different season to make that work - the entire point was it was unwinnable and the best Cas could do was utterly give up everything he ever had - allies, family, morality - to sacrifice for that fight, and he forsakes them all through the season in various small ways, culminating in a total loss of self but his goals completed. Dean’s version of the season where he gets to keep Cas would have been a loss but an emotional victory, and that is not what Cas could bear at that point. And 12x19 also makes the point of emotional victories and moral victories, and again I think that it’s like Dean’s pleas in 6x20 echo all the way up to current canon to remind Cas why he COULDN’T give in to Dean’s request.

The speed run of season 6 is 5x22 > 6x20 without taking a breath, because after all the nonsense and running around and red herrings, Cas ties the entire story back into what had just happened in Swan Song and how he made his decisions, and his conversation with Dean in the car at the end of Swan Song about “peace or freedom” is the key question there which defines Cas’s arc of the season and his decision for leaving Dean out. Dean chose freedom but regretted not going for peace because it was this promise of peace in 5x16, the talk of a paradise and a perfect bliss in Heaven, that swung him the most to nearly saying yes. Cas knows he picked freedom for everyone else but wanted peace in his heart of hearts and it’s the same thing Amara picked on in season 11, that Dean wanted quiet, and it’s the same thing Jack promised Cas and Cas repeated to Kelly. And was Michael and Raphael’s apocalypse sales pitch. 

So all these things are thematically linked together. I guess I’m still typing because it all ends up back at season 12 and presumably 13 based on how these apocalypse-era themes and now characters are back. In the raking leaves scene Cas picked peace for Dean, to stay with Lisa in oblivion in the suburbs, which denied Dean the choice (aka freedom) to help him, and in the start of season 6 we can use Bobby and Sam’s similar decision to leave Dean out to show it’s people deciding for him and not giving him a choice about how to live his life. I’m pretty sure the line “so Dean doesn’t have to” would fit perfectly in 6x20 as much as 12x19. And at the end of the day, Dean knows Cas is annoyingly right, that they’re Team Free Will (hence also… 12x19 hello again :P) and Dean embodies free will and will always end up fighting for it - but of course that doesn’t mean he can’t have a personal struggle with it, which makes it all the more interesting. They just made the decision for him to give into the bad side of the struggle - to let peace win when for Dean it should always be freedom because that’s what he’s the epitome of. 

And in 6x20 that’s what they fight about at the very very end, when Dean accuses Cas that he shouldn’t do whatever he wants and that he’s a child for trying, because he sees Cas as just not grasping these concepts properly, not understanding without the key information (that Cas’s motivations are HIM, the unfinished part of the conversation, the missing puzzle piece to all their interactions, etc) and knowing just how much Cas has grappled with this off screen and Cas’s understanding and motivations. I mean, the VO of the episode is from AFTER this argument, so I think Cas’s opinion on himself and his hubris and arrogance all comes AFTER and maybe BECAUSE OF the bollocking Dean gives him, because he has all the puzzle pieces (or nearly all) and genuine self-reflection and he’s in the position to wryly look back on everything he’s caused from this simple set of choices. He identifies all his own shortcomings but still sees there’s no other way and he’s going to have to make the leap to truly give up his morality and sense of self to accomplish what he needs.

And that’s also, to jump back to season 12, and weirdly I was having a dream about chilling with her last night, Lily Sunder, a literal mirror opposite to Cas in some ways, the human who got in too deep with angels instead of the angels who got in too deep with humans. She’s giving up parts of herself to get revenge, which is the opposite mission to Cas’s in season 6, to protect his loved ones. In a great metaphor for literally every revenge mission ever in this show and other media, Lily is losing her soul the longer she sustains herself on the mission. But it’s also a good metaphor to the idea of giving yourself up for any mission, to the point of only thinking you can accomplish it at a total loss of yourself. Cas gives her a way out to not complete it because she got absolution with Ishim, the one who truly hurt her, and peace with Cas as seeing him as truly repentant and changed and being able to say the right words to set her mind at rest. But Cas didn’t get that chance to not carry on his mission because it was one of protecting them before the bad stuff happened so the stakes were too high to be talked down from. He also tries to talk Dean back from a total loss of self in 10x22 for what good that does. And I think that’s all from experience - of knowing how it is to go over that line and thinking things are justified until they consume you. Cas had to shed his morality and his emotional attachment to Sam and Dean in order to work against them completely as the antagonist once his role was revealed to them and they boxed him into it by not understanding or giving him a chance - because they were more concerned for HIM than the bigger stakes - and so he could break Sam’s wall in order to get the job done. 

And to me that becomes the REAL hurt he caused them in season 6, far far over the earlier choices he has, and he needs to fix Sam immediately when he returns in season 7 and then spend the rest of the season in an arc about understanding and forgiveness and apologies with Dean. And that all springs from the earlier lies and betrayals and stuff but trying to tackle what Cas should have done in the start of season 6 is impossible because in many ways he was basically already the wrong word away from a 6x20 style confrontation every time they met him from 6x03 onwards (which is probably why he looks like he has a migraine the entire season :P) and so I don’t think there’s ANY WAY they could have plausibly sold any sort of real reconciliation or forgiveness in the start of the season if they’d wanted to, which they didn’t because they wanted Dean to be pissed at Cas all season for reasons which were just as frustrating and opaque to US, and I don’t know what they knew for sure about the end of the season but they were definitely planning all along for Cas to have a baaaad bad part in it because he was shifty and showing tells of lying and so on from the get go. I think if they’d made a twee moment for Dean to be given a chance to forgive Cas for not talking to him for a year, it would have basically just escalated Dean’s suspicion through the roof because Cas would never have been able to sell it when the bigger picture of why he did it was what all eventually poured out in TMWWBK. 

(here's a link to my rewatch of 6x20 where I ramble a LOT more about the philosophy behind it all)

[elliesproblems]

To Whom It May Concern,

Chapter One

The Beginning of The End

Entry: January 12, 2018

I’m afraid of the life I’ve made for myself, let’s start there. My life is full of plans I’ve made, but only half accomplished. I’m living off my own failures, and to be completely honest, it’s not really doing it for me anymore. I’ve lost the person I was two years ago from now, which would be even longer by the time someone gets to read this. I still have remnants of her, a few thrown away thoughts and left over emotions. I don’t have enough left to make a full person, but no one seems to notice anyways. I’m just ‘different’ now.

    I miss her, deeply. It’s not as physically and sudden as losing someone you love, because I only loved her some of the time, and it was a while before I noticed she was gone. It took one year to drown in the sorrow as if a loved one was suddenly gone. Now I just look for the things she used to own, and love, and I surround myself with them, but it won’t bring her back.

    I have her body, but I only have a handful of her memories, and her tears, and hatred. She left behind all she didn’t want. But she liked her body, she liked her writing, she liked her drawings on special occasions, but I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t love them like she did.

    It feels like her corpse is living inside me and no matter how hard I try to coax it back, it stays cold and empty inside. It’s a lot like a peach and a peach pit; two separate things, but technically one. I am the peach, alive, growing the best I can, but she is the pit, taking more and more as she fills the inside with death. I can’t guarantee how long before she becomes one again, and takes whatever she’s left behind into the afterlife with her.

    The bedroom feels a like like I’ve already passed. My things are beginning to collect dust where they sit untouched by me or my roomate. My roommate's things slowly fill the room like a new tenant; sweeping out the dirt from the old tennant. She doesn’t have the heart to move anything, the idea that I placed it there and I will never have the chance to move or even claim ownership over my things weigh heavy. But for her, time still moves forward. Slowly, my clothes don’t hang in the closet, and where they sit in the laundry basket slowly moves to the bottom as she pulls and pulls her own belongings out and replaces them with more of her own. Slowly, my existence is out lived, even while I’m still breathing and occupying space the best I can.

    I’m holding onto the last bit of myself, but I struggle to find my comfort jacket or my pencils, or my sketchbook in the whirlwind of her things. I hate digging through other people's rooms, and the feeling of trespassing stops me from claiming ownership of what used to be mine. My sister has less of a room than I do, so saying something would be terribly hypocritical.

    Sometimes I sit in the laundry room, staring down the box of laundry pods. The internet was right when they were claiming them to be awfully tempting. Just one large gusher will do the trick rather than a handful of chalky pills. I don’t want to leave my body here, or in the tiny supply closet or on this property. Dad is terribly clingy, and he’ll stay in the poor rent house forever on the off chance that what’s left of me is walking up and down that hallway. It would be too easy to pretend; the house is old and the cats play under the house. It wouldn’t be the first time the house has woken up to the sound of someone stomping down the hallway only to find it empty. I have heavy footsteps to begin with, and I refuse to do that to him when he’s the only one who wouldn’t prosper from my death. Well, he’d prosper the least, but he’d still end up with a car, and he’s in desperate need of one of those right now.

    He’s had an old white minivan for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t always the same one, but it’s always been that model and that year. Any run down mini van with a black bumper would remind me of dad, so sitting in the driveway fit for ten cars, but only holding four, I always park mine next to the old mini van that hasn’t moved since we moved in. It’s sinking in a pile of pine needles and the windshield is fogging from all the sap layered on the windshield, and it was like a bad omen the way it stopped running, Dad developed a nasty cough.

    We don’t know what’s wrong with him or the van; poor people can’t afford things like living or driving. Not forever, anyways. A part of me always assumed that the van would start up as if it were brand new the day Dad would kick the cough, but it’s almost been a year and his cough has only gotten worse and the van is used for storage.

    The driveway is more of a parking lot, able to fit ten cars easily, but we park like assholes, and a drive circles around that mini van for fun. It’s lined with tall pine trees, always dropping more than just pine needles and sap, but nothing's ever hit a car before. It’s peaceful in the parking lot; the ever present wind whistling through the pine needles, the cats chasing each other and that stupid mole that keeps making the ground sink in under the van. The birds are always chirping to each other yet I’ve never seen one out there. It’s a like like a natural wind chime, and I’ve considered rolling my body up in blankets and letting it die in the backseat of my car with the windows rolled down so I can listen to natures windchimes next to the van version of dad. I’ve laid out there countless times, living it like a free no consequence trial.

    I like to pretend I’m dead sometimes, it makes the want go away a little longer. I can romance the idea of my family holding onto whatever good parts of me they could find, and I write my obituaries in my head. Sometimes I don’t look both ways or I take an extra pain pill. I don’t try anything completely dangerous, but just enough to compensate. I keep treating the symptoms until I’m ready for the real deal.

    It’s the day before my mother's birthday, and when I visit her the next day I can’t look at the picture of five year old me above her bed without hearing a voice in my head read off ‘died at the young age of 20’ like some sort of indifferent reporter. All that will come of this is more pictures of my sister on the wall and as she grows, more memories of her fill in what I can’t until I’ve been forgotten or I just become a sad story my family tells when someone hangs around for too long asking too many questions. My story, with all I ever tried to become, will only amount to a sad one.

    She says ‘Come back to me’ as her goodbye like a mother ripened by mentally ill kids. She’s always says it, but it makes me regret my wants more than usual. For once, I’m glad I waited another day to live if only for my mother. My dad makes a joke about it smelling like something dying in the laundry room, but it only smells like laundry detergent pods, and it makes me wonder if he knows or if it’s just a oddly timed dad joke.

January 12th, 2018

    I’m running out of time and I’m being snuffed out early anyways. The life I planned for myself should have been halfway through by now. I’m not behind now, the problem is that I have literally have not started yet.

    I’m scared the time I have left in this life is running out and I have failed to transition into the new one in time.

    E*** is taking what is left of Jay. They took her away two years ago and all I was left with was a few spare thoughts and emotions. Not enough to be a full person, not really. It’s simply when she was to die and I’m all that’s left.

    I was supposed to work my way to a new Jay, a new set of emotions and thoughts. But with so little to work with, I never reached her in time.

    What is left of the one I had was in her room, slowly being taken over by E**** as if Jay had already died. Her clothes don’t hang in the closet, but I can’t find them in the clothes basket either. Jays bed holds her sister now, and I don’t know where Jays blanket went. I’ve managed to keep track of her comfort jacket, but the room gets rearranged daily, and I don’t know how long until I can’t do that. I can only hold onto what’s left for so long.

   I keep wanting to let her go. I’m tired and she’s just so ready. Maybe there was never another Jay. She was supposed to die in 2016, why would there be another?

    Once you’re morally okay with killing yourself, finding a reason isn’t exactly the point. The stupidest things will set you off. For my case it was a text sent by my roomate; reading : There was an issue with the pizza...There none left for you :/, exactly. Even now I can’t tell you exactly why this was the trigger when I knew when I read it that it was a joke aimed to make me more excited that they brought home pizza after I specifically asked for it.

    Maybe it was the idea that maybe they did eat all of it without me, because why would they feel the need to worry, right? Or the fact that I was surrounded by my expensive prima markers that my roommate was using for her coloring book and she keeps forgetting to put the caps on or she keeps losing my favorite colors, the reds. And just the general feel of my roomate having the inept ability to make my belongings feel like hers. Or maybe the fact that my sister has point blank expressed that she’d be happier without me, and the text was proof that my roommate can also make my sister feel like her sister.

    And for a moment, even after shelling out ten bucks out for pizza a believed I wasn’t getting, I believed I owned nothing. It’s not the best feeling as some people would imagine. It’s the feeling of being stripped of yourself and everything you’ve worked for. Your personal belongings are proof that you exist and you’ve worked for them.

    Would my dad, who can’t afford health insurance, pay five dollars a marker for a kid with average talent? No, but those where my roomates markers in the end.

    Would my sister help me save up money to buy a new car radio if she didn’t like screaming cheap lyrics with me? No, but she can have that with my roommate so what's the point?

    At that point I only owned my laptop sitting on the corner of the bed if only because my roommate doesn’t know the password. So when I heard her car pull into the parking lot, I took my laptop and ran. Not even my sister pulling out a pizza will bring me out of hiding.

    So I sit on the washing machine, staring down laundry detergent pods because I have a small amount of time before they find me.

[placetobenation]

Picture it.

Sydney.

2010.

A young peasant girl comes home from uni to watch SmackDown. An injury to the Women’s Champion necessitates an impromptu title match in her hometown. The fighting is short but fierce. Punches. Kicks. Heads bonk together. Great feats of strength are performed by a woman on one leg. Finally, a beautiful British lady wrestler wins the match, becomes the Women’s Champion of the World and starts screaming over and over. On the opposite side of the world, the peasant girl watching on television also starts screaming over and over. To this day, she is still screaming.

That young peasant girl was me.

And that lady wrestler was Layla.

Fair dinkum I yelled so loudly when she won the title that my father came running in thinking I’d hurt something. (“I’m fine Dad, some sheila just won on the wrestling,” I say, as he rolls his eyes.) Then I’m pretty sure I ran around the house high-fiving my mother. I was an amazingly cool 19 year old.

I’m embarassing myself like this just to demonstrate how completely head and shoulders in love I am with Layla. You better get your ponchos out because – in a stark departure from the rest of my pieces – I am going to gush like a geyser.

You see, when Victoria left WWE in January 2009 she left a decidedly Victoria-shaped hole in my heart. If you recall, Victoria showed me that in wrestling, I like my heels like I like my women: goofy and clever and showing a whole lot of ass. (A line so nice I’ll use it twice.)

Anyway, cue Layla. She’d been around since winning the Diva Search in 2006 and already showed a lot of potential, but when she hooked up with Michelle McCool and formed LayCool she embraced her inner Victoria and became the bumpiest, stoogiest, goofiest heel of all time. It was like I dreamt her into existence.

She had a deadset smorgasbord of shtick. She would mock and taunt and poke and prod, and then scream and run away in terror when anyone came after her. She loved to jump into Michelle’s arms, or hide behind her. And when she was REALLY threatened, she would… curl up into a ball on the floor. Like a toddler, just turtle up and hope that “If I can’t see you, you can’t see me!” still works as an adult.

Then she’d get caught and just EAT some shit in the most glorious way.

What a bumper she was! By the time we get to LayCool she is absolutely eating offense for lunch and bumping like crazy. She made everyone look good, particularly someone like Beth Phoenix, who would fold her completely in half. They had a match on Superstars that is basically a five minute snapshot of peak Layla – Laycool cut a promo belittling Beth, who came out and chased Layla around, Layla stooged her bits off until she was caught and bumped into another dimension as she cried and begged for mercy. I have watched that match about fifty million times. It is pure, unadulterated fun.

That’s what Layla was, really. Fun. She was the silly one that brought all of the ridiculous, over the top hamming to the LayCool act and their segments. She definitely brought that stuff out of Michelle McCool, who had always struggled with promos and showing personality before this. I already went into how much Michelle needed Layla to fully develop as a wrestler. In turn, Layla needed Michelle too; Michelle brought credibility and her Terminator-ness to the act and allowed Layla to goof off to her heart’s content. Working with Michelle also helped Layla become a much better wrestler, and honestly by 2010 I think Layla had an even better year in the ring than Michelle did.

But that’s me splitting hairs because they were both fantastic in 2010. Well, really for the entire LayCool run. I remember they would have these nifty little tags with any combination of the blondes on SmackDown – Kelly Kelly, Tiffany, Beth, Natalya – these matches were usually only two minutes or so, but they were just about the best two minute tag team matches you could possibly have. LayCool got pretty well hosed when it came to match time on SmackDown, but in true Diva fashion they always made the most of any time that they got.

On the rare occasion that they got time they really shined, taking the time to bust out old school heel tricks and use the referee to get some proper heat going. They had a random tag team match on Superstars that for some inexplicable reason was the longest women’s match in WWE since literally the 1980s. Absolute manna from heaven. This thing was just after TLC where Nattie put them both through the table, and seriously, Michelle and Layla sold the aftermath of that one table bump more than people like Shane McMahon sell leaping 30ft to their untimely deaths.

LayCool did it all as an act – promos, skits, short matches, slightly less short matches. They even managed to sneak in some epic, long term, Breaking Bad-esqe storytelling as well. And it was Layla’s character and her acting of it that drove the story of their eventual break up – it was all about her vulnerability and feelings of inadequacy compared to Michelle. For such a goofball who spent all her time cracking bad jokes and cartoon bumping her ass off, she was doing some legit character work at the same time.

I want to get back to those bumps for a second. I still can’t get over Layla saying that the first bumps she ever took were ON TELEVISION during her first match on SmackDown. (Chorus: Fuck this company!) But the truly crazy thing about it is that you would never, ever know.

She looked SO GOOD in that battle royal, brief as it was. I watched it before I even knew Layla had said that, and I just kept saying to myself how astonishingly solid she looked for her first match. And she continued to do so whenever they put her in the ring, which was only sporadically for the first 12 months. But really, I shouldn’t have been surprised she turned out as good as she did, because she sure showed a lot of promise pretty much from the get go.

She had debuted as a babyface after winning the Diva Search, but this woman was a born heel. Once Extreme Expose broke up on ECW (R.I.P.) and Layla began wrestling as a heel she immediately seemed to get it. One thing I noticed in particular is that no matter the match or how much time they got, Layla always took the time to target a body part and take over the face by working an arm or leg. Like the world’s hottest Arn Anderson.

I’m sure the six months she spent working with William Regal as his valet didn’t hurt her education in villainous bodypart work either. I really only mention this pairing just so I have an excuse to bring up the time that Layla threw her shoe across the whole ass ring at CM Punk and nailed him right in the fucking head.

But I digress.

Layla became a babyface again after LayCool ended in tears (R.I.P.) and she wasn’t quite the same, but it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. Well, Layla tried, anyway. The company, not so much. LayCool were horrid people and completely unlikeable and they never made any effort to rehab her character once it was over, so she never got much in the way of sympathy. But Layla did her best by buying all the way into WWE’s Smiling, Dancing Babyfaces Just Want To Put Smiles On The Faces Of The WWE Universe policy. She smiled, she danced, she joked around in the ring, and she got a new sickeningly cheesy theme song. From the world’s hottest Arn Anderson to the world’s hottest R-Truth.

In the ring she made a great effort to switch it up her style and work as a babyface. Heel shtick was replaced with Smilin’ Babyface shtick, and she brought in cool, lucha-inspired moves like the double pump springboard crossbody and her wacky running rollup. And even if she never truly got over as a face, she sure had a lot of good matches as one. Great PPV matches with Beth Phoenix, great title bouts with Eve Torres. Her and AJ Lee even opened a SmackDown episode with a women’s match for the first time in, well, actually ever, I think.

The final few years of her career were mainly frustrating, as injuries and other issues kept pulling her away from TV. We just get little glimpses of Layla, like the feud with Summer Rae over Fandango and the ensuing tag team with her that stole my poor gay heart. Or when she turned heel on Kaitlyn in 2013 and immediately started partying like it was 2010, bumping and stooging away for a hot minute until she vanished again. Layla was one of the few to have fun matches with Tamina during this time, and even her second last match was a cool romp with Emma in the UK. I always missed her like crazy when she was gone, and marked like a mofo when she came back. They really could have used her a LOT more in those years.

But alas, Layla quietly retired in late 2015, having spent nine years on the roster, which at the time was the longest full-time run for a women’s wrestler in WWE history (Nattie and Foxy have outlasted her now). Not bad for someone who didn’t even start wrestling full-time until the age of 30.

It’s no secret at this point that I love a lot of these women, so sometimes it’s hard to tell one of my loves from another. But apart from Trish Stratus herself, I think Layla is the Diva that I loved the absolute very most when she was around. Certainly I’ve never marked harder for anyone winning any title in wrestling than I did for Layla winning hers. I can still remember watching it clear as day, sitting in this room, in the exact same spot on this earth that I’m in now.

In some ways, I really haven’t stopped screaming since.

It’s hard to come down from Layla, so I say don’t come down, just keep mainlining Divas! So next week I’ll be making another deep dive straight into my bloody, beating heart.

Check it out: Layla vs. Melina (Smackdown, August 14th 2009) Layla vs. Beth Phoenix (Superstars, April 8th 2010) Laycool vs. Kelly & Tiffany (Smackdown, May 21st 2010) Layla vs. Tiffany (Superstars, August 5th 2010) Laycool vs. Beth & Natalya (Smackdown, December 31st 2010) Layla vs. Beth Phoenix – Divas Title (Over the Limit 2012) Layla vs. Beth Phoenix – Divas Title (No Way Out 2012) Layla vs. Eve Torres – Divas Title (Night of Champions 2012) Layla vs. Natalya (Smackdown, November 14th 2014) Layla vs. Emma (Main Event, April 15th 2015)