#Anyway reminder that self care and mental health is not linear there are days you think you're good and then you Find Out

[zephyrartz-owo]

Mental Health Tip! Don't skip meals lest you be fighting demons

[colorfulbibliostack]

bullet journal and productivity info (with personal stuff added, srry)

sooo... i started a bullet journal! (@a-social-asshole because i *think* i remember talking to you about bujos? if so it was rlly long ago lol)

Actually this is the second time I attempted it, the first time i made a few tiktok videos of fixing & decorating the notebook cover but only ended up using it for like... a day. the book i used was too bulky and kinda falling apart, and the lines were too uniform. (pro tip--make sure you use a journal you *like*)

now i have a dotted journal! it's decently slim and has a sophisticated cover (white marble with an inspirational quote in gold) and it isnt like my usual style but it works and its nice enough that i dont feel the intense need to cover it in duct tape.

so far i have an index, a goal collection for the school year, a habit tracker, and my first daily log. i'm not doing monthly or weekly spreads because i have a more standard linear planner for the scheduling part. (I figured premade stuff would be easier for me personally in that department.)

i'm using my bujo almost exclusively at school with the exception of the habit tracker, which is daily. it's to help me keep track of assignments, my general pain level (in case i need to provide evidence of my chronic pain when i eventually see a doctor) study tarot by pulling a card each day, be more grateful, and remember tasks (so far, reminders to discuss certain things with instructors).

if you want to start bullet journaling but you find the idea daunting--all the stuff you see on Pinterest that looks amazing and time consuming can scare people off--it's important to remember that bullet journals are supposed to be highly customizable. you can do as little or as much as you want. start small! my journal is super minimalistic, very few symbols, simple borders, literally just the date at the start of my daily logs and my messy handwriting below. also, you dont need a lot of supplies. I just have a journal, some highlighters from the dollar store, papermate marker pens, more papermate pens from walmart, and washi tape. you dont even need the washi tape, i've only used it once so far and i prefer making my own borders (by literally just putting lines between the dots.)

i really hope the journal and my planner help me stay on top of things this year, because to be honest i've never been the best student, and i want to improve myself in any way i can.

i have a lot of mental health issues, so it might sometimes be ambitious for me. i've heard that the key to improving is almost always a positive mindset. but you can't fall victim to toxic positivity in that--you have to know that you can have bad days, you can have days where you just can't bring yourself to study after classes, but you also need to be able to bounce back from those days.

(this is also why i'm deliberately putting self-reflection, self-care and time to just watch videos to my schedule.)

anyway, i hope if anybody read this they find it at least a little helpful! i wrote this out because i had to watch like 8 seperate videos to gather this info.

(if you are very interested in seeing if i crash and burn or succeed in organization, follow @system-maintainance, my blog that's basically how-to's and to-do's for myself. i might occasionally post my findings about self-care and conquering mental stuff <3 {itll prolly be reblogged here too, so dw if you dont wanna see my other stuff there!})

[fandomplethora]

so, i have seen something going around the mystic messenger fandom...and i would like to just share my thoughts on it. 

i would like to quickly add that this is just my opinion on it and my perspective. i also am not sure if this has been confirmed or not - but, either way, my personal thoughts mostly stay the same. 

in my eyes, it is no small thing what’s going around...whether this is a fictional story or not.

tw: heavy mentions of suicide and mental health. major spoilers ahead. 

i have had several discussions based on this going around. i have also seen it on instagram, heard it is going around on twitter and have seen it on tiktok.

i think, to go so far as to put something like that on another character is a bit much...even in a fictional game. it could, potentially, mess up a lot of people’s mindsets playing. i do not think it is a fair perspective on players or what this game is even about. it could also be possibly triggering to players. yoosung is depressed. he lost someone really close to him, that gave him motivation/inspiration. and his grades started slipping, he lost his drive and he just distracted himself with lolol without taking care of himself. and if we really look at it...no character takes care of themselves here. zen doesn’t eat properly...a diet of salad and beer, long hours. he sometimes smokes. jaehee works long hours without getting proper rest or meals - relies strictly on caffeine to keep going. jumin says he takes of himself but it is canon that people have seen him take multiple espresso shots to get going in the day at once. not to mention how he turns to drinking in different points of any route and his sleep schedule is crazy. saeyoung hardly sleeps either; just eats junk food, or mostly chips and soda, and struggles to take care of himself. jihyun is also not taking care of himself, including not receiving needed medical care, as he tries to solve everything going on in the background. saeran isn’t able to take care of himself either when you get to his route due to his situation, including further poisoning his body with the elixir. vanderwood is even in a similar position as saeyoung but, perhaps, dealing in different ways we have not seen much of yet.

so much of this can be attributed to, again, the stress every member is under due to their jobs, student life and situation. so much is attributed to their trauma, mental state, mental health... and so much we find out about in every route. it is also based around their relationships, families and secrets we uncover.

and, coming back to yoosung...i will say that, heartbreakingly, suicidal ideation may happen. and connecting it to the other members once more; there is a moment in jaehee’s route where jumin purposefully, while under the influence, endangers his own life. saeyoung is also severely depressed and “jokes” about his will to live at different points...and in jihyun’s after ending, when he believes his brother has passed, he no longer wants to live and has to be stopped by jumin and vanderwood. jihyun himself is so self-sacrificial...he is willing to risk his own life in order to protect others and to even prove his “love” to rika. and saeran does attempt suicide at the end of jihyun’s route after giving a farewell call to mc...and then has to be saved by jihyun who thanks god for him being alive. and, even before that, expresses (similarly to saeyoung) his lack of care for his own life. and mina (rika) is also shown to idealize self-harm and, perhaps, even suicide as well. 

...and then looping back to yoosung, i do think he is a character who needs help (much like everyone else in the game) and he does need to be acknowledged about this and for his struggles. his mental health, stress as a student, lack of motivation due to all of these facts and reeling from the “death” (another apparent suicide) of a family member close to him. again, i believe there may even be moments from yoosung about his own suicidal thoughts (i’m not denying this fact)...things said in passing based in moments of high emotion and severe depression. 

suicide, mental health/illness, including (in some contexts) suicidal ideation are all, heartbreakingly, major themes and subjects in mystic messenger. 

but, also, i have to add...that to say that someone would have committed suicide without another certain character...is detrimental to some of the positive themes shown in this story. themes of recovery, forgiveness and self-love. of showing actually getting better, healthier coping mechanisms and forming strong bonds with healthy relationships. 

perhaps, this theory (or fact, if it has been confirmed, i have not seen such confirmation yet though)...is saying, more in the sense, that without intervention for yoosung (and any member) these unhealthy coping mechanisms and pain they were going through would not have been properly acknowledged. it is a major part of the whole storyline to acknowledge their feelings and help them through that...to highlight the importance of that. (and not doing so, or encouraging further toxic behaviors, is what leads to the bad endings...this is not hating on completing bad endings or saying you shouldn’t do so - but that is what those can represent. and why only the good endings are considered canon.) 

but i fear that if anyone were to take the stance of “_____ would have killed themselves if _____ was not there” is almost along the lines of “i would no longer want to live if you were not here” or “i would k*ll myself if you were gone”...both of these mindsets are not okay, severely toxic and painful. and, in terms of forming healthy and strong bonds like these characters should (and eventually do)...it ruins the theme of that. the lesson in that.  

my point is; it is all about perspective and showing the deeper context of such a statement. and to please, please be careful when sharing such a statement or reading it.   every character in this story is not in a good place at all when you/mc/hana enter the picture. and, sure, it can be said that mc gives them that boost of energy (brings the spring breeze again, so to speak)...but, really, they just encourage them to do it themselves and talk to each other. while i love the hc where we can have a more active part in helping everyone - to say mc (or hana) does nothing as it is now is not true. 

they holds their hands, they are kind and they listen. they encourage them to take care of themselves and is just there through it. and when helping someone going through something - that’s what it’s really about. (there is no english translation for the webtoon yet so this part is just based on me skimming the chapters as they are released.) but hana seems to also be kind, encouraging and gives them that kick again. everyone in the rfa truly does care about each other and, sure, they needed someone to remind them again. but i genuinely think to take that dark of a possible “what if” is not fair to the story at all or the characters.

things like this never take just one person or are on one person’s back. it’s everyone involved - it’s a support system. that is just what the rfa needed to see more clearly. (even before mc came in and helped...it’s still said that, while the rfa were worried and didn’t know where to go from where they were...they still did use the chatroom as an outlet to talk to each other. so, they were getting there. could things have gotten more complicated if mc hadn’t come? yes...again, they changed the course tremendously. but for things to go that far is just...not true to me.) 

(side note: the only thing that makes me sad is how someone could be potentially left out when you’re on another route. it’s why i wish for a final route where you can help everyone. and/or what i’m wishing for the webtoon to be.) 

but each route gets to show the possibility of hope and recovery for every single character in this game - and how that strength and care and love was in them all along.  again, i have no idea about anything like that being confirmed or not. mental health is a HUGE theme in mystic messenger as a whole - but i take the perspective of what i said more when thinking about it either way. (along with some other things that I’ve posted about on tumblr before.) anyways, in your life, reach out for help if you need it. there is hope..support each other and you can find strength within yourself again. & in my opinion, when playing the game (or now reading the webtoon), that’s something it teaches and shows as well.

edit: this is not a “this is right and this is wrong” post. things are never black and white - mental health and recovery is never linear. i just want to add that in case anything here came across as preachy or like i was trying to sound...well, lecturing even. i am not a professional by any means and am just someone who also struggles with their own mental health. so, i hope nothing in this post came across as offensive, hurtful or insensitive.

[fairycosmos]

3. I know i have to 'get out there' but it's hard when you've felt your whole life that nobody likes you. i literally only have one friend. i just feel really hopeless... i feel like im not meant for this kind of life, everything feels wrong and like im waiting for something's never gonna come, some kinda magic. i want of life of adventure and paint and write but instead i have to study because i'd feel like a loser w/o an education. i dont mind working i just dont want to study.

hey love, i'm really sorry to hear that. i think it's totally normal to be disappointed and even more so to be unsure about your future - it's not an indicator of failure, it's a natural part of growing up and finding your place in the world. i'm probably ignorant and don't know what it's like to actually be in your shoes, so i apologize if i come across as frustrating at some points. this is just my perspective. but i'm wondering if maybe taking more time away is an option for you? maybe working somewhere, focusing on your mental health for a while.... because the thing is your level of education has nothing to do with your worth as a person, and even more than that, there's no set time scale for this sort of thing. you could go back to college at 35, and it wouldn't matter. your life doesn't have to follow that stereotypical linear trajectory we're all forced to chase, in order for you to find happiness and success. and you don't have to justify your own personal choices to anyone, least of all to yourself. i just think it's important to try to focus on the factors of living that are in your control, that will bring you a sense of stability and peace. i know it's hard to let go of the internalised capitalistic idea of having to prove yourself through academia and getting a 'good job', but it's always useful to remind yourself of just how exploitative and made up that entire construct is. you're here and you're experiencing the world and with that you are fulfilling your point, you are doing enough. you are enough. everything else is background noise, that we're forced to muddle through, but background noise nonetheless. you don't need anyone's permission to prioritize your own needs and wants.

however, if you're dead set on studying this topic you don't like (which, i totally understand why you'd make that choice bc i know it's not that simple), then i reckon it's alright to just let yourself feel shitty for a while. any sadness, anger, disappointment, pain you feel about it is to be expected - and even though it fuckin sucks to have to carry it, its intensity definitely won't last. one way or another, you will adapt and so will your ability to cope. just don't use those emotions as an excuse to engage in self destructive behaviour, cause that'll only perpetuate the cycle and keep you in a dark place. having to force ourselves to do shit we hate is always going to feel like an everlasting burden we're never going to escape from, even if that's not the case in reality. and i had a lot of experience with that in school too - the main tactic i can remember making a difference, was like you said, finding little things to make the weight of it more bearable. i think that often starts first and foremost with our own mental health before anything else, because it controls the filter through which we see the world. if you don't like it in yourself you won't like it anywhere. when it comes to your social anxiety, are you receiving any support/would you be open to that? i think consistently seeing someone while you're in school - whether that's a counselor, a therapist, attending a support group or even just calling a hotline to begin with - could really help you manage the stress you're so afraid is waiting for you. having someone to talk to and learning why you are the way you are, and what tools could help you specifically in terms of coping mechanisms and finding a support network can honestly do wonders for your self esteem and the way you approach others. and of course it takes time, maybe that brand of self care is a lifelong process, but it's still important to engage with it. so balancing school with prioritizing your own wellbeing might be something that lightens the weight of the experience. anxiety tends to have us anticipating worst case scenarios and drawing on old insecurities to convince us we'll be alone and in pain forever, but what you've been through is truly not a mirror image of where you're going. making friends especially as an adult is fuckin hard, and struggling with it doesn't mean there's something irreparably wrong with you. just means it's hard to get to know ppl, but that's not a personal failing on your part. it's just a fact. most of them are too worried about their own 'flaws' to take note of yours. but that doesn't mean there aren't ppl out there you haven't met yet who will love you, even if that's hard to believe rn. also a side note, it could be a good idea to build up a routine where you're engaging in something that actively makes you happy at least a few times a week. can literally just be watching netflix, or taking up a hobby, meditating, going for a walk - i know college is v busy and it may not always be possible, but having small pockets of deliberate down time to look forward to is crucial. im not saying it'll cure everything or anything, just that it might make it all feel less overwhelming. but lastly, i want to say that it's ok if you give it a go and then decide you can't do it. that's an option, too. it doesn't have to be black and white. don't fault yourself for not wanting to spend 3 years doing something you hate, but also know that it's possible to get through it if it's a means to an end for you, especially if you seek the help you need. and whichever choice you go with, neither of them are 'wrong.' it's just your path.

anyway, i'm sorry this got super long. i think discussing it with someone you trust might be a good move, just to know that they have your back whether you work through uni or not. you're honestly doing so much better than you realize and i'm proud of you for continuing to try and strive despite how painful it all is. but i really hope that you can catch yourself when your brain is being unnecessarily unkind to you, and that you can then make the conscious choice to change the narrative and approach it from a place of patience and self appreciation. i think your life is still worth living even if it doesn't match up to where you think you should be, which is something i've been trying to accept lately too. that so much is beyond our control and we can literally only focus on the silver linings of the factors that are in our hands. that we can still be okay, living like that. and none of this is permanent, not the way it often seems like it is, but especially not the confusion. it just takes time to live the answers to all the existential questions you have. take it a day at a time. ANYWAY im rooting for you with all my heart and if you want to talk about this properly feel free to message me!! my overarching point is that you're not as alone as you feel. and you won't be in college, and you won't be if you look for work instead. so many of us understand where you're coming from. much love to you, take care 💗💗

[atomicfilm]

What are some potential pitfalls in an ISTJ parent - INTP child relationship?

 I don’t have a lot of personal experience with ISTJs and ESTJs, as I don’t naturally gravitate towards them, but I’ll try my best! 

(I’m assuming you’re the ISTJ parent.)

TL:DR Biggest issues: emotional distance, discipline, authoritarianism, stubbornness from both parties. 

 ISTJ is The “Man”, INTP is The Rebel. 

 Please continue to read, because I do, in fact, offer suggestions. 

General

   First off, parent-child relationships can have a lot of turmoil regardless of type. If your child is older, particularly in middle school and high school and you feel like they’re acting out, really the best thing you can do is be open and honest with them. Tell them that you love them and you’re having a difficult time understanding their behavior. Don’t blame anyone when you say this. Don’t criticize them. At all. Or you will shut them out more. Communication is at the heart of every relationship. It’s quite possible that if this is your situation that they are upset and don’t know how to come to you with problems. I was so moody in middle school and my mom sometimes drags me for it, but it was because I was being bullied, anxious, and coming to terms with my identity. I didn’t know how to talk to my mom about basic things and that was because she never offered to talk nor did she ever talk to her mom herself. 

   Now we have a much healthier relationship and it’s because we started talking to each other about what we expect from one another and started sharing our more personal stories. I’m so thankful for that change, even if at first it did involve some yelling. (Hopefully, other people can avoid that.) 

  Accept them. Allow them to talk. Don’t scold them when they come to you. Ask them questions and if they don’t want to answer then wait for them to be ready to come to you. It’s better that they’re being honest and seeking help. 

 Also, provide them with what they need. Whether that’s tampons, birth control, therapy, whatever it is that could affect their health. If there are fiscal issues, look for solutions together. 

INTP specific

Overview: 

  J vs. P: Ahh! Judgers, in general, don’t like Perceivers because our style of approaching problems is so different. Where a Judger might try to come up with a bulleted list of how to proceed, Perceivers usually look for a starting point and the rest of the plan is flexible. Judger’s also tend to be less spontaneous and more precise. My best friend is an ISFJ and my boyfriend is an INTJ, they both like to complain about how I’m easily distracted, distracting, and always jumping from one thing to the next. But what I really love about Judger’s is that they’re grounding. They have a certain intensity to them that helps me to focus. They’re usually also great at explaining things thoroughly, whereas, I tend to not follow a linear train of thought, even if I’m giving an in-depth explanation. I’m not a detail-oriented person and sometimes I think people get weighed down by them, but I still think it can be a beautiful trait to have as well.  

  We have our differences! They work great together if you recognize that and don’t put too much pressure on them to change. Your INTP might need you to tell them to remind them about their homework that’s due every once in a while (but don’t be a helicopter parent, please). They might need you to walk them through a math problem or get them a tutor. Don’t ignore that. But also, embrace it when they don’t want to stay on schedule (life might be more fun) and if you’re trying to solve something, their Ti-Ne will generate many logical solvencies, they just need you to help eliminate some. Essentially, don’t pressure them, do guide them. Both of you should be mature and understand what you want. If they complain, listen. If they don’t listen when you complain, ask them politely. 

 My mom was always like “eh, you have A’s, you don’t need help from me”. I struggled so, so much with stress and being the “ideal child”. It’s too late now (I’m accepted into college), but I wish she would have asked me if I was having trouble at school, rather than completely ignore me because I’m smart. We did recently have a conversation about how I needed to skip a day of school for my mental health and she was very accepting of that. I was having a really difficult time because of personal issues that  I won’t disclose but little things mean so much to INTPs. 

  Your kid is going to do things one way or another if they have a lot of willpower. The only thing you can truly control is whether or not they resent you. But for certain things, like arguing against them becoming substance abusers, you have science on your side and it’s no secret that INTPs love science. 

S vs. N: 

 ISTJs are usually much more traditional than INTPs. INTPs are very specific to themselves, so much so that saying they’re “unconventional” is an injustice. They’re on a scale of their own. Sorry in advance, but you are raising a baby alien. And they probably feel like that too. Intuitives are stereotypically visionaries, sensors are stereotypically conservative (with the exception of xSxPs). Honestly, I don’t think it matters at all that you’re a sensor. Just try not to bog them down with too many details, again, or force them into doing things your way all the time. 

  INTPs are so independent, I really can’t imagine that bossing them around will work in your favor. I’m lucky because my mom’s an INFP and she likes me to lead, but ISTJs tend to be leaders too, so there could be a lot of clashing in terms of power. My best advice is to let them do their own thing as much as possible without trying to fit them into a mold. If you need to discipline them, try to use positive affirmations if they respond to them. 

 My mom jokes that my ISTJ grandma is afraid of me because I’m the only person she’s ever met who won’t obey her. Yelling doesn’t work on me. 

  Also, don’t ask them to make too many of your decisions for you either. Not to be emo, but we want to be loners. My issue with my own mother is that she expects me to do things like work out the legalities of her land deeds and do her taxes. I’m 17! I don’t want to think about those things until I’m a little older. But if an INTP sees you struggling, we’re softies who love to help, so our nature will likely kick in anyways. 

Cognitive Functions:

INTP - Ti-Ne-Si-Fe

ISTJ - Si-Te-Fi-Ne

We share introverted sensing and extraverted intuition! A great start. 

 Si: ISTJs have it as their primary function. Having sensing first is fantastic if you love to socialize. INTPs tend to be antisocial (whoops) at least with people they don’t know well. This could be a conflict if you expect them to go to a lot of events like work parties that they don’t want to attend. They’ll probably throw a fit if you press them enough. However, since you’re both introverts, you probably understand that they want to crawl into a small, dark space by themselves for a while instead. If they don’t want to go to your events, tell them to invite a close friend over instead. Maybe once a week. They do need to socialize, even if they don’t want to. Just expect their threshold to be lower than yours. 

  What’s good about it? We both like to compare/contrast our memories with current events. We both remember a lot of details about people/things we find significant. We both need a routine (but try to mix it up slightly for INTPs because we need stimulation as much as we like comfort). We both are practical and fact-oriented. 

  Your INTP probably highly respects you. That’s the most important part. I find Si to be overwhelming if someone only talks about other people and their experience with them. Simply because I don’t care enough what Sally did on June 15, 1983 if it’s not immediately relevant. 

 INTPs hate small talk. With a burning passion. When I meet people I immediately talk to them about their hopes, dreams, theories, favorite historical periods, inside jokes, ect. Not about what they ate for breakfast. We have high standards for entertainment. 

Ti vs Te: 

  Ti is like “let’s interpret what’s happening internally”. Te is more like “hey, let’s categorize what’s happening externally as objectively as possible”. INTPs are heavily invested in fixing themselves if you haven’t heard. They want to be the ultimate human and then inspire people from that point. Te users tend to be obsessed with fixing the world first. That’s not to say INTPs and ISTJs won’t share common ground, however. We can definitely rant to you about why that bike rack should be in a different place or how the political system is corrupt. 

  However, first and foremost, we’ll silently be analyzing all of our own issues and try to solve them. On our own. This is our fatal flaw and best asset. You probably only see it as their best asset. It only works for so long before we become so stressed we may combust. Your INTP may be deeply insecure, even if they come off as confident. So remind them frequently that you admire them and it’s okay for them to ask you for help. 

  We’re perfectionists. Try to discourage that early on. No one needs to be perfect. That’s way too much pressure to put on anybody. 

 Ti is very critical and reflective, making it really good for debate and self-improvement. But it’s soul-crushing if it’s turned too far towards inwards. 

Think of Ti as having anxiety. When it’s negative, you think about everything you’ve ever done wrong, over and over, until you have a solution. On the flip side, Ti users ponder proactively a lot too and come up with creative theories.

 So going off of that, your INTP may be feeling so insecure or confused that they take it out on you. Talk to them. Work out what’s going on in their head externally. It may prove helpful. 

  Te-users are also sometimes more managerial. Let your INTP go with the flow.

   And finally, Te-users can be on the colder side with their affections. If you think parents shouldn’t shower their children with affection, throw that thought away. Tell your kid you think they’re smart and you love them. Give them a hug if that’s something they’re comfortable with. Like everyone deep down, we need affirmation!

Fi vs. Fe:

YIKES. Fi is the killer of INTPs everywhere. 

Well, ISTJs don’t emote too much. Which is both good and bad. It’s good because INTPs don’t respect emotional people very often. It’s bad because you’re a parent and a human, not a robot. 

  What I’ve noticed is that ISTJs typically yell when they’re upset but are less giving when it comes to affection. That’s obviously not a good combination. 

   Don’t practice tough love. That’s garbage. Absolute garbage. If you find yourself saying frequently “they’ll thank me later” you probably are just trying to justify doing something harmful. Children need to be nurtured! Not pushed around. Sometimes they do need more discipline but INTPs don’t respond well to authority, so again, you’ll probably hurt your relationship more than you’ll gain anything else. 

  Try to avoid escalating arguments into spitting matches. If you’re feeling hot-headed, leave the conversation. I bet your INTP already did. Then come back later and try to resolve it when you’re less angry. This overlaps with the difference between Te-Ti a bit too. 

  INTPs bottle their emotions for prolonged periods and then spill them all at once. Encourage them to share with you or another trusted figure more often. Otherwise, you’ll see the worst side of your INTP much more than you need to. 

   INTP’s Fe means that we want to please you. We want a harmonious environment. If we can’t figure out how to get it, we’ll look for a new environment. We usually try to understand your emotions even if they’re kind of foreign to us. Fi from our perspective is like “LOOK AT ME I’M SAD LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW SEE ME CRY HELLO PAY ATTENTION TO ME”. Yes, that was exaggerated. But that’s what it looks like to us. It appears selfish and explosive. Do what you can to tone it down.

 You’ll win us over with compelling logic, not necessarily pathos. 

Ne: Ne is the best. Hands down. Ne is my favorite thing ever. It’s how I communicate on a daily basis. It’s unfortunate that it’s so low in the ISTJ stack because I rarely see it. But honestly, it saves the relationship in my opinion. I have very little in common with that ISTJ grandmother I mentioned but what do we have in common? She watches a lot of movies and I’m going to be a film major. 

 So instead of using that Ne to generate a lot of small talk and gossip, which is one of my largest problems with ISTJs, use it to generate conversations about your common interests. 

 Afterword: 

  Your INTP is likely going to be nothing like you and that’s okay. It’s amazing that you’ve raised an entire human being and even more beautiful that they’re not a mass-produced model of their parents. It will likely be a rocky road but I’m sure they love you so much. They just might not feel safe in expressing it. Which is sad, yes, but not a reason to give up. 

 I’d like to add that I actually really like my ISTJ grandmother (my mother does not, because she had to be raised by her and my grandmother is very domineering to most people). 

 Here are some reasons why I love her:

- She’s so good with physical projects. She loves to bake, she loves to scrapbook, she loves to knit. In that regard, she’s awesome! She’s the ideal grandma and she has a lot to teach me. I’m not a physical person at all and she’s helped to balance me out a bit. I can’t knit, but I can cook, and I definitely didn’t learn that from anyone else. 

- She’s funny! She has an amazing sense of humor and her eyes get all bright and shiny when she’s happy. 

- We have similar political beliefs even if she’s much more traditional than I am. She’s actually the only person in my family I like to talk to about current events. She’s lived through so many and she actually pays attention. In this case, being detailed-oriented helps her a lot. 

- She’s good at decision-making and I can be indecisive. 

- She’s very honest to me at least. I like to ask her about family history and her own beliefs and that’s interesting. She’s the only person who cares about genealogy and the only person who knows anything about my great-grandparents and great-great-grandparents. 

- She loves me.

 You will be fine. Just don’t be judgy and bossy. 

I hope this helps! Feel free to ask me for more advice. 

[fatgalfitness]

Now what would a fitness blog be without a post about resolutions?

It's that time of year again. Time to reflect on 2018 and look ahead to 2019.

First, I'm going to start with the yearly reminder to fellow gym-goers: BE KIND TO THE RESOLUTIONERS. The gym will be more crowded come Tuesday. Classes will be full, equipment will be occupied, and there will be scores of people you don't recognize.

GOOD FOR THEM.

Good for the lady with the brand new sneakers circling the gym floor nervously.

Good for the new guy with the bodybuilding.com workout plan.

Good for the newbie who has NO idea how to use the machines, but is going to try anyway.

It is terrifying to put yourself out there and enter the gym. Juiceheads and body builders, yoga goddesses and CrossFit junkies, all there, lifting and running and stretching, knowing what they're doing.

The first time I went to the gym, at the beginning of this #fatgalfitness journey, it took me an hour and a half to work up the courage to walk in the doors. All I did was walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes. But I was terrified. And going back the next day? Somehow even scarier. And the first time I took a CLASS?! Forget it. I wanted to barf every second of the drive over.

Gym rats, don't be jerks. Don't rush people off equipment, don't laugh at people who are still figuring things out, and SURE AS HELL don't you DARE film someone else at the gym.

Body image and self esteem are huge areas of struggle for so many people. And a lot of people use the beginning of the year as a time to start something new. Maybe they're going to stick with it. Maybe they aren't. But they're trying. And none of us is ever going to change a thing if we don't try.

So newbies? I'M SO STINKING PROUD OF YOU. I know it's scary. I know there are a million different options, and the internet told you that ten minutes of this exercise was equivalent to thirty minutes of that exercise, and oh my God where are the locker rooms? And do I ask to use this machine? What does that sign mean?!

BREATHE.

You are strong. You are amazing. And you are doing something so wonderful for yourself. Maybe your motivation right now is losing weight. That's okay. Use that fuel. But realize that getting stronger and being physically active is about so much more than how you look. It's about treating your body well. It's about your mental health and your spirit and your soul and creating the life you want to live. Keep pushing. Keep showing up. It will get easier, and not so scary. If you're overwhelmed, message me. Let's talk it out and make you a plan.

So here's my final word on that: be exceedingly kind to everyone you encounter. Everyone is fighting their own battles. Celebrate each other and lift each other up. We are so much stronger together.

Now onto resolutions as a whole.

Sometimes, we need the motivation of a definite start date to start making moves. Maybe you want to start exercising or eating better. Maybe you want to save money. Or learn a new skill. Or be a kinder person.

This year, I'm not making any resolutions.

I know that sounds strange, but 2018 has been a hell of a year. I have struggled. A lot. I have hit the depths and come up swinging. I have worked on myself, I have worked on just surviving. It's been a full year of just trying to remember to be kind to myself.

Self-improvement doesn't need a future start date. It doesn't have a timeframe, and it doesn't move in a linear fashion. My self-improvement looks different from yours. My self-care might be your avoidance mechanism.

What I'm trying to say is that come January 1, my goals aren't changing. I've worked my ass off this year to get back my love of fitness, to be kinder to myself, to put myself out there. I've failed a lot. Especially in the being kind to myself department. But that doesn't mean I give up. It means that as we roll into 2019, the work continues. I don't need a grand plan, or a big new year's resolution. I need quiet determination. I need perseverance. I need to keep fighting the fight that started years ago, continued in 2018, and will continue on into 2019.

So if you find yourself struggling to think of something to resolve come Tuesday, pause and reflect on all the work you've done up to this point. Maybe you don't need to resolve to do anything; maybe you just need to keep on pushing. Maybe you're in the midst of it. Do not be discouraged, my friend. 2019 is your time, too.

[not-poignant]

This might be a little personal but do you have any tips on how to deal with bad days? I've been struggling with depressive episodes lately being so tired I can't get shit done.

Hiya anon,

Depressive episodes area the worst. I don’t know if I have any real tips, since the thing that helped me most with my depressive episodes were an effective anti-depressant (and I struggled for like 20 years for one of those, since most anti-depressants are ineffective when I take them). And then therapy. And obviously both of those things aren’t actually possible to access for everyone. (And caveat that if you’re feeling suicidal in an actionable way, please call a helpline / hospital or similar, because you shouldn’t have to deal with that level of anguish alone and without professionals).

(Content warning for under the read more: aside from frank discussion of depression and suicidal ideation, I also mention self-harm briefly).

Otherwise... idk, I’ve actually been doing a Chronic Conditions management course lately, over the past few months. And it’s been pretty helpful when looking at the psychological effects of living with chronic illnesses (basically people who have chronic illnesses are way more likely to have anxiety and/or depression, but obviously trying to deal with either of those things when you have chronic illnesses in the first place is really hard).

One of the things I found really interesting, were the underarousal/overarousal cycle, which none of my doctors had ever taught me about before. Underarousal, which leads to depression and depressive episodes is a self fulfilling cycle. Meaning that, if you don’t gently do the opposite of ‘nothing’ you will eventually just get worse and worse. It doesn’t tend to just go away on its own.

However most people think the opposite of nothing is like... too much. Even if they plan for nice things, it’s still too much.

This course has been pretty clear that you have to start small, like... try and do a pleasurable thing a day. That pleasurable thing could be making a cup of tea. That’s it. Not like, writing a book, or making music, or whatever. Just...make some tea. Or coffee. Get up and boil a kettle and put some stuff in it and go lie down again and sip at it and focus on its warmth in your hands and the way it tastes and how it feels to know you did that for yourself. Just...try and do a pleasurable thing every day. It doesn’t even have to feel pleasurable in the moment, it just has to be something that you would have experienced as pleasurable pre-depression.

And if you’re feeling especially daring, try three pleasurable things a day. A whole three!

Anyway, this is just one method of a thousand, but what was most radical to me about it, was that these professors and so forth who are running the course made sure that in an underarousal/depressive cycle, the emphasis is on pleasurable activities and not just ‘activities’ (they do suggest light physical activity at some point, but reiterate over and over again that too many people tend to do too much too soon, and the most important thing is to start little, and to be as consistent as possible, and also patient with yourself when it’s not consistent and to keep trying).

The other thing they suggest is a list of pleasurable things for good days, and a list of pleasurable things for bad days (that shouldn’t have been as shocking to me as it is, but I’d never actually considered this before). So on good days, writing 1000 words, making a playlist, going for a walk, all things I can manage. On bad days, none of them are: but I can probably make a single cup of tea, I might be able to shower, and there’s a chance I can sit outside with an apple and eat it. And telling myself I’m doing these things to help myself feel better again, is actually way more helpful than just making myself a cup of tea mindlessly and not thinking about it.

I mean you don’t feel like doing anything, anon, I feel that, but you took the time to write this message. That’s a big deal. Tbh, it’s one of the things that would count as a valid ‘activity’ in this course. And it would count as a big thing, and not a small one.

As for me, idk, I have like... a vague list of things I like to do when I’m depressed, or things are bad. And also a list of things I try not to indulge. My list might not help you, but I do know that...trying to stick to a regular sleep schedule for me was important, because I have quite severe hypersomnia alternating with insomnia, meaning I can sleep a lot all the time, and then not at all, all the time. And it fucks me up. So now I try and wake up at 9.00am every morning regardless, and then nap once in the afternoon (my chronic illnesses won’t let me stay awake for a while day). Scheduling the nap helps because it gives me something to look forward to if I’m having a ‘tired day.’

Other things are like...trying to get out of my head a bit. I do some OBOD study (Druidry study) because researching about magic and nature sometimes gives me tiny bursts of energy that allow me to think ‘maybe life isn’t so bad’ (i.e. that’s what I do with that tiny burst of energy but sometimes that’s enough lol). I might do some art. I play Stardew Valley a lot - when I wore a Fitbit, that game was the only thing guaranteed to drop my heartrate down by about a consistent 15-20 beats per minute. So it relaxes me and still engages my brain.

Also, for me now, I’m...trying to become more zen about the fact that depression and illness take time. That fixing them is not about a single event you do that feels good, but about hundreds of those events over time. And about maintaining them during the good times. And that’s really hard. I got really close last year to doing some really stupid things to myself (and I already self-harm, so I’m not including that) and coming out of that sort of changed me and the way I think about myself, since I’d always identified strongly as like ‘a person with PTSD’ and that was the first time it was like no, I’m a person with PTSD who has major depressive episodes that need separate, emergency treatment.

Since then, I’ve kind of felt lucky to both a) be alive and b) keep trying to find small things to keep me going (and a year later, feel tentatively strong enough to start ‘scheduled’ work again). I now try and think of it this way: a bad day isn’t actually a bad thing. It’s a normal product of my illness. That’s all it is. I can attach the word ‘bad’ to it and somehow feel guilty I ‘didn’t do enough’ but that’s as absurd and irrational as a person with damaged lungs feeling guilty that their good days didn’t heal their damaged lungs. No, my brain will always be broken, to a point, even with chemical help. My ‘energy’ or ‘good mental health’ days will not heal my brain chemistry. So...now I call them ‘tired days’ or ‘sad days.’ Or I’m trying to, I forget all the time.

Tired days aren’t bad, they’re just there. The most important thing I can do is try not to let them run roughly over my routines, and destroy everything I’ve set up for myself to survive in the first place. So you know - a list of things I can maybe manage on tired days. A care plan. People I can contact (even though I probably won’t). Reminding myself gently that it says nothing about my worth as a person even as I feel I have no worth as a person, even that, itself, is just part of the ‘bad day.’ It’s a symptom of my illness. And then also putting in place a list of things to do for yourself on good days, and I don’t mean like ‘shopping’ or whatever (though those things are important) ->

I mean...if you don’t have energy to maintain your self-worth on the worst days, make a point of spending about 5-10 minutes maintaining your self-worth on the good days, when you have more energy to sustain it. On the good days, take some minutes here and there to look at your care plan, your support network, and see what you might be able to use on the worst days, and what you know you can’t. the worst time to be doing it - that’s the time when I already needed it there to lean on. Like, it will always help more to do that hard work mentally on the days when you have the energy to put things in place for yourself.

And those things might sound easy or simple to people who don’t have depressive episodes and find it easy to snap themselves out of it by like, idk, listening to a cheerful song or something, but anyone who has them knows how hard it is to put these things in place. And I have so much sympathy for that. I wish I could box up some energy and self-care and hope and give it to you anon. The only way I know through this is the slow and steady and not very linear way. Time has helped a lot, and a philosophy of ‘gentleness’ alongside ‘gentle structure.’ (I.e. my alarm in the morning to get me up, but also the gentleness to let myself sleep in 20 minutes).

But something I do know, that gives me hope, is that even with all of this going on, anon, you reached out to someone. You’re still trying on your bad days. You did at least one ‘activity’ that was designed to help you. And that is the very thing - with time, and accumulative effects - that will help you with your depressive episode. It just...unfortunately in the moment, doesn’t lift a person out of a bad day. I wish I did. I mean I really wish it did.

Yeah, I wish I had better answers? Ultimately depression is a whole lot of suffering and almost no energy to deal with that suffering, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I have faith in you, anon. *offers hugs and a blanket fort*

[raisingsupergirl]

What Health Class Didn't Teach You About Life After 20

I remember the first time I realized I was getting "older." I had just turned twenty-five. I'd planted my right foot during a pick-up game of basketball, slipped on a wet spot on the floor, and felt a pop in my right hip. Self-diagnosed labral tear. No need for surgery, but it did click and pinch and frequently remind me that I wasn't as invincible as I once was. Shortly after that, I hurt my left knee—self-diagnosed meniscus tear. Also more of a nuisance than anything, but also a good reminder of my mortality. Then there was the back, the neck, the creeping weight-gain, the creeping hair loss, and the general creeping dread of my impending death... eventually. And never—not ONCE—did someone sit me down and warn me about all of this garbage. No advice on how to process it, overcome it, or even come to terms with it. So this is me, warning all of you twenty-and-thirty-somethings out there about what's to come. So listen up!

First off, there's the orthopedic stuff—all of the hip and knee and back issues that would have completely wrecked my future if I hadn't been a physical therapist. I've never had great insurance or money to burn on a bunch of fancy-pants doctors. The hip and knee things I might have ignored. But I also might have tried "working through it" too early, which would have only made things worse (possibly to the point of needing surgery). But the neck and the back? Those were two weight-lifting injuries that happened in quick succession that absolutely floored me. Like, literally. I couldn't get off of the floor because of pain. And even with my education and experience, I still allowed the injury to happen due to incorrect exercise form and habits. And there was a short time after the injury that I was doing the exact WRONG thing, making the herniated disc in my neck much worse. To the point that I ALMOST needed surgery for that one. And most people would have ended up there. It took over a year of rehab to get back to (mostly) pain-free, and there aren't many people who would have held out hope for that long.

So, my advice when it comes to acquired injuries? Be your own advocate. Take responsibility for your body. Remember that you only get one, and it's worth the time and effort to educate yourself on the best ways to take care of it. Ask a health professional friend (sorry, I'm busy). Make an appointment with a doctor who specialized in your injury, but also remember that most such specialists are surgeons, so their mind will usually gravitate toward surgery as the best option. It might be, but maybe also ask a physical therapist. Ask a chiropractor. And only AFTER you've asked enough professionals should you ask Google (unless you want to be told you have cancer literally every time). Then use all of that information like a grown adult. Write it all down. Compare and contrast the diagnoses and treatment options. Consider your needs regarding finances, recovery time, and desired outcomes. But remember: you only get one body. Any injury you decide to "live with" could potentially just keep getting worse until you stop living. And finally, above all else—no… wait. I'll tell you the most important thing a little later. First, let's talk about the OTHER stuff nobody ever warned me about.

The Great Hair Migration. It's a thing. It gathers on your head when you're young, but then it gets too tired to climb to the top. Instead, it starts sprouting out of your ears, your nose, your back... pretty much everywhere EXCEPT your head. Your mileage may vary, but it happens to everyone to some extent. For me, it started out as a receding hairline in my mid-twenties. The thing is, it happened so slowly that I doubted its existence. A wispy white hair here. Some more shiny forehead there. Then one day someone complimented my comb-over, and my life was over. Dead. Gray hair was one thing (even kind of cool in some ways). Going bald was another matter entirely. It's been over a decade since then, and the thinning has continued. Recently, I considered Rogaine or Propecia, but the former is too much work for no guaranteed results, and the latter is too much money with some, uh, undesirable potential side-effects. Then there's all the organic and alternative treatments that have little to no efficacy with plenty of dollar signs attached. No thanks. So, if I'm not going to recommend medical intervention, what IS my advice? Cut your hair. The shorter, the better. It looks less like a comb-over, and when the time comes that you have to start shaving it, it won't be as much of a shocker. Unless you're a woman. In which case, you CAN shave it, but maybe look into a nice wig first. Oh, and then there's the best advice... but I'm still saving that for later. First...

Belly flab! Back flab! Butt flab! Where does this stuff come from? Cheeseburgers, that's where. And cookies. And chocolate cake. Heck, even protein smoothies and chicken breasts are to blame. Calories in > calories out = weight gain. That's science. When you burn less calories than you shovel down your throat, your body stores the excess "energy" in fat cells. You know, just in case you need to tap into those fat reserves to survive a harsh winter or whatever. Evolution definitely hasn't kept up with 1st-world probs. But I'm not going to complain too much. I'm not overweight. Never have been. But I AM human. And like all humans, my metabolism started slowing down in my twenties—because we all basically start dying after puberty, and a part of that is slower processing and utilization of energy because dying people don't need as much fuel (which is also why we don't need as much recovery sleep and why we don't have that youthful energy forever). Yay!

So I started gaining weight. My new "normal" went from 170 lbs to 180 lbs. Then 190. Then I broke 200. Then I broke down. I learned that a dozen cookies right before bed would float around in my body all night until I tucked them away in my fat cells. I learned that a little bit of exercise (especially anything that builds muscle) goes a LONG way. And I learned that there's a certain point when eating thirty hot wings in one sitting is no longer a wise life choice. My advice? Nothing new. Exercise consistently (without herniating a disc in your neck) and appreciate WHAT you're eating, not how MUCH you're eating. Enjoying things in moderation actually improves your appreciation for them. At least, it does for me. And, of course, there's that most important piece of advice that it's almost time for. After we talk about...

Complete and utter decline of mental health because of ALL THE THINGS. I joke, but there's so much truth to this as we ease from childhood structure to adult freedom. Yes, adults are free (until we create our own prisons). As kids, our lives are fairly linear. Sure, we all had hobbies and preferences, but for the most part, we have one goal for the first eighteen years of our lives—learn what we're supposed to learn so we can avoid punishment and graduate from high school. For some of us, that structured bliss continues for a few more years. But eventually, we're all cut loose into the wild blue.

We can do literally ANYTHING (well, not "literally," but, yeah, anyway). Sure, there are some social norms to give us a little framework. Jobs, spouses, kids, taxes, retirement plans. But what's our PURPOSE? Why did we work so hard for those diplomas? How are we going to leave our marks on humanity and history? Do we NEED to leave marks? Is everything meaningless? Or just the things that OTHER people care about? Thankfully, humans are pretty good at assigning value to mundane things, and if we go about it the right way, we might even find some things that TRULY matter. So, what's my super-profound advise that you've all been waiting for? What's the secret to aging gracefully and finding the meaning of life?

Honestly? I have no idea... But only because I'm not you. I know what's worked for me, but that's because I know myself better than anyone. So my best advice has been there all along: look at yourself in the mirror and embrace your own unique changes. Embrace the customized adventures and challenges created just for you. Find your own answers and your own way in your own time. Don't expect someone else to hand them to you (especially not in a blog post). Don't bury your questions and fears. Don't drown them with self-medication or temporary distractions or someone else's ideas of success. And don't assume it's just a phase. Because it's not. It's your life.

Come to terms with the fact that you WILL acquire some injuries that can't be fixed. You WILL gain some weight. You WILL lose some hair. You won't be as clever as you once were, and you'll wake up some mornings wondering what the purpose of everything is. And, of course, you'll eventually die. We're not MEANT to live forever. Ultimately, something will end us no matter how hard we try to beat everything back. And if we only focus on living as LONG as we can, we'll forget to live as WELL as we can. And living "well" probably won't look the same for you as it does for someone else. To be honest, it's not the end of the world if you never run that marathon or beat those punks at basketball. Heck, it doesn't even really matter if you never have kids or find a cure for cancer. Rather, those things don't have any INTRINSIC value. Who cares if the human race dies off? Do you think anything else will really miss us?

So what DOES matter? Well, whatever you assign value to. Whatever you take the time to contemplate, plan, and dedicate yourself to. If that thing is a lush head of hair, start popping Propecia like your life depends on it (I wouldn't recommend that life path, but who am I to judge?). If it's commitment to a loving God (a path that I WOULD recommend, but again, you do you, boo), start keeping an eye out for every opportunity to truly listen to others and share the Good News with them. But mostly, don't get so hung up on the fact that you're dying. It's really not a big deal unless you MAKE it a big deal. Instead, focus on life. It looks a little different to all of us, and every day is a different gift. Enjoy each and every one in all of its broken, wrinkly, chaotic glory.

And don't say I didn't warn ya.