#Anyway here is my entry for the world tours/concert

[judas-isariot]

Do you remember when Shakira at her concert in Paris suddenly choose to sing : Francis Cabrel - Je l'aime à Mourir, around 10 years ago and everyone had a mental breakdown and went nuts cause it was so surprising and cool.

What if Marina suddenly do the same ? She tell the band but not Pearl and sing the octarian equivalent, like a love song in octarian inspire by her good relationship with pearl.

[ohshesback]

230312 Comeback Solo with Nam Woohyun Fanmeeting in Bangkok

While this site is mostly just a repository of my photos after moving multiple hosts in the past ten (?!) years, I thought I’d pay tribute to my fandom/Inspirit roots by actually writing something in this post.

I used to write long-winded entries when I had hosted my site on Wordpress circa 2014. Once upon a time, I’d written about Infinite’s One Great Step World Tour in Manila in four different lengthy parts. I don’t know where I’d gotten all that physical energy and brain juice from because my workload back then irl was pretty brutal. Unfortunately, blogging kind of fell off because a couple of years later, I thought everything looked so clunky on my site. I thought the entries were embarrassing too that I deleted everything and buried them all in the past. Years later, during the pandemic, I felt a little sentimental since I hadn’t gone to concerts/events for two years and I wanted to look back on my fangirl journey. I kind of wish I’d never gotten rid my entries. Other than the photos, I don’t have the lengthy, self-proclaimed embarrassing posts anymore to relive my youth. (Not that I’m old--well, the muscle pains tell a different story.)

Ah well, I suppose that’s a lesson learned. *points to self* Don’t delete this if you decide to move hosts again.

Anyway, I’ve been following Infinite since 2011. It’s funny looking back because college!me had a Tumblr where I would reblog posts of K-pop, Infinite, and especially Woohyun. (It’s still around actually, tucked away in the obscure spaces of the Internet.)

Twelve years later, I’m still here with Infinite and Woohyun. I guess we’re stuck with each other forever, lol.

On another note, Bangkok was lovely! I adored my stay with the Thai community. Their hospitality and care are unmatched for solo travelers like me. I was unable to go to some places because of the heat and I’d love to return someday.

Shoutout to the new friends and Inspirits I’d met along the way. 💖 Thank you for keeping me company.

(My writing skills have dwindled tremendously. Rough. It’s been a while. Anyway, onto the photos!)

[howaminotinthestrokesyet]

Road Dogs: Metallica on Tour

Metallica‘s first ever gig took place at Radio City in Anaheim, California in March 1982. Their set list included primarily covers with only two original songs, “Hit the Lights” and “Fight Fire with Fire.” They did Savage’s ‘Let It Loose,’ Blitzkrieg’s ‘Blitzkrieg,’ Sweet Savage’s ‘Killing Time’ and four Diamond Head tracks. For diehard fans, this original lineup did not include Cliff Burton as of yet, but instead Ron McGovney. They eventually asked him to leave the group because the guitarist did not contribute anything of value. Another good reason came in the fact that Dave Mustaine fought with him repeatedly. James Hetfield would later say this about that show. “There were a lot of people there, maybe 200, because we had all my school friends and all Lars’ and Ron’s and Dave’s buddies. I was really nervous and a little uncomfortable without a guitar, and then during the first song Dave broke a string. It seemed to take him an eternity to change it and I was standing there really embarrassed. We were really disappointed afterwards. But there were never as many people at the following shows as there were at that first one.”

Metallica’s second and third show took place at the Whiskey a Gogo in Los Angeles. This venue would be where Hetfield and Lars Ulrich first heard future bassist Cliff Burton and his band Trauma. More recently, Ulrich revealed diary entries related to Metallica’s appearances there. "No sound check. Sound was awful. Played great myself, but the band as a whole sucked. Went down OK." The group opened for Saxon, who the drummer had met six months prior after sneaking backstage during one of their shows. After the concert, the monitor engineer asked Ulrich if he had ever heard of Diamondhead. “Of course, we have, we just played a bunch of their songs!" As it turned out, the crew member was only joking about Diamond Head. He would later go on to work for Metallica in the same position for 22 years.

On April 16, 1983 Metallica played its first show with new guitarist Kirk Hammett at the Showplace in Dover, New Jersey. They had begun recording their debut album Kill ‘Em All in Rochester, New York at that time. The set list included all original material that would land on that first album making up nine songs. Hammett had replaced Dave Mustaine, who held quite a bit of ill will towards him for years claiming in 1985 that Kirk ripped off all his guitar riffs, which got him noticed in the metal community. In defense of Hammett, he was simply trying not to make waves in his new group as Ulrich and Hetfield had definitely decided not to cut any contributions from Mustaine.

On March 5, 1983 Metallica played its first show with Cliff Burton at The Stone in San Francisco, who had replaced Ron McGovney. In 2018, a recording of the show came to light online, which you can listen to on YouTube. The lineup still included Dave Mustain as well taking place a month before the other band members would fire him. They performed 12 songs that night essentially previewing everything to be included on their debut album. At that time, James Hetfield was still struggling over whether he should sing lead. On the recording, you can tell why this became the case as his voice sounds incredibly scratchy with absolutely no technique whatsoever. The show also became memorable as a Cliff Burton debuted the future track, “Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth).”

Cliff Burton played his last show was Metallica in Stockholm, Sweden in September 1986 before his tragic passing. A few years ago, Metallica released a boxed set of rarities for their album, Master of Puppets, which included a recording of that final show. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Lars Ulrich and Kirk Hammett talked about their memories of that last concert with Cliff. Ulrich noted, “We played the show in Stockholm, and it went incredibly well. I think it may have been a rare case where we actually played an additional song that wasn’t on the set list, because the show was so good. That’s not something we did a lot then or now. So there was a good vibe.” Hammett would say this in the same interview, “It was significant because it was the first show where James played guitar again (Wrist Injury). He strapped on a guitar and was able to play the encore; I think it was “Blitzkrieg” or something. But I remember the five of us, including John Marshall, being really stoked James was back and playing and looking like was gonna make a pretty healthy recovery. I distinctly remember that show being good, and the feeling when we got offstage was really great and positive and forward-looking. Like, “Great, James is back in and it won’t be long ’til we’re back to our old selves again.”

In November 1986, Jason Newsted would play his first show with Metallica at the Country Club in Reseda, California. He did so in front of a sparse crowd because it had been a secret show for the group Metal Church. Newsted had played with the band for only a short time during rehearsals for the next album. James Hetfield introduced Newsted for the very first time in this way. “Welcome to the very, very secret Metallica gig that every fucker knows about! Here’s the new fucker right over here man, this is the guy… Jason Newsted, we fucking love him, man, so make him feel at home, alright? I want to have some fun tonight.” Their set list would consist of 14 songs from their first three album releases.

In the summer of 1992, Metallica decided to perform a few dates with Guns ‘N Roses. The hype for these shows represented the tour of the year, but the show in Montreal turned into a tragic affair. A pyrotechnic accident occurred as they performed “Fade To Black” causing second and third degree burns on half of singer James Hetfield's body. He recalled the incident, “I'm burnt – all my arm, my hand completely, down to the bone. The side of my face, hair's gone. Part of my back. ... I watched the skin just rising, things going wrong." Jason Newsted would remember that Hetfield looked like the Toxic Avenger from his vantage point. The group immediately cut the show short, so the singer could receive medical attention. He would later say that during the trip to the hospital a road crew member bumped his burnt hand leading him to punch the guy in his “nuts.” For fans still at the show, things only got worse as Guns ‘N Roses delayed getting on stage for two hours. Axl Rose probably only sang for 20 minutes before cutting his night short. GNR Had known what had happened to Hetfield, but they still phoned it in anyway. After that, 2000 people rioted in protest followed by several arrests. This night would lead to great animosity between the two groups for years continuing to this day, but it should be noted that Metallica acted professionally completing the tour with an injured Hetfield. Slash of Guns N’ Roses would later talk about the tour being a financial disaster for them. “Metallica was earning the exact same paycheck as we were every night but while they pocketed the whole thing, we were blowing 80 percent both on union dues for all of the overtime we cost ourselves going on late and on these stupid theme parties. It was just bad." Axl had spent extravagantly on backstage parties in an effort to impress members of Metallica.

In April 1999, Metallica recorded two performances on successive nights with the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra led by Michael Kamen. The idea for such a concert had first come up when they worked with the composer on the Black Album song, “Nothing Else Matters.” He had approached them about such a collaboration, but never heard anything until years later receiving a phone call from Lars Ulrich. They filmed the live show at Berkeley Community Theater in San Francisco as Kamen had written additional material to supplement Metallica’s arrangements. The band also released two new songs specifically for the show, “No Leaf Clover” and “Human.” According to James Hetfield, This idea of combining heavy metal and classical music was originally an idea brought up by Cliff Burton, who had a strong background in both. One can see this throughout Metallica’s songwriting in their early years as the bassist relied on melody and instrumental qualities found in classical compositions like his favorite one, Johan Sebastian Bach. S&M would be released as a concert film and an album, with the latter reaching number one on the Billboard 200 chart.

In 1991, Metallica would play a concert in Russia that has become the stuff of legends because 1.6 million people watched it in person. The highlight of the show came when they played “Enter Sandman” as one could see Russian military personnel rocking out just as hard as anybody else. One must note that they were not the only band there that day as other artists included the Black Crowes, Queensryche, Motley Crue, and AC/DC. The Monsters of Rock Festival would only occur this one year in what would become the former Soviet Union. Motley Crue had played one of the early versions of the festival in 1984, but ironically Metallica had surpassed them as a more popular headliner by this time.

In August 2020, Metallica became the first rock act to perform a pre-recorded concert for Encore Live’s drive-in series. Due to COVID-19 restrictions, live concerts were canceled all over the world, so artists like Blake Shelton and Garth Brooks participated in this drive-in movie concert experience. Tickets to view this at your local drive-in cost $115 for up to six people per car. The show took place at an undisclosed location near their home in San Rafael, California.

[passingthetime]

Tagged by @psihokracija, thank you!! 🌻

What is the first song you remember hearing?

The Ketchup Song.... but I know for fact that the first music I ever heard in my life was the Twin Peaks soundtrack so that makes up for it.

What is the first band you got into?

Emil.RuleZ! which probably doesn't mean much to anybody on here especially non-Hungarians. I loved the songs as a kid because the lyrics sounded good, but I could not piece together the sentences because of weird line breaks. After growing older and understanding the lyrics, I still think they are really cool, but music-wise I don't like them very much anymore.

Do you collect any physical music?

Nah... I would love to but wow it is expensive! That said, I did uh, borrow some CDs from my parents and I desperately want to get my hands on the Deep Purple self titled vinyl with The Purgatory on the cover.

What is your favourite piece of music memorabilia?

I have a Radio Moscow t-shirt from their 2019 world tour! It's super awesome and I bought it from the band's bassist himself I think. Lazy to take a photo of it, but looks something like the image below except it has way nicer colours and has "world tour 2019" written on it too.

What’s your favourite concert you’ve ever been to?

King Gizzard at Sziget 2018!! That concert was amazing! Honestly had I not seen them live at that time I would not have gotten into their music.

If you could see one artist who is no longer alive in concert, who would it be?

The Doors, which is technically two artists no longer alive... Anyways I am sad and angry I never got to see a Doors concert because it sounds like a very unique experience

Have you meet any musicians?

Not so famous ones sure. I mean my boyfriend is a musician, so so were a bunch of his friends. We even camped out in the backstage of a small biker festival because we were with one of the bands. We met Rudán Joe there and told him he did a good concert lol. Like he needed or feedback on that.

What is your to go album when you’re feeling sad?

Point of Entry by Judas Priest because it makes me feel better.

What is your to go album when you’re feeling happy?

Help! by The Beatles, it's just cute and simple and happy me likes that.

What is one music documentary you love?

Janis: Little Girl Blue made me cry.

What is one DVD concert you love?

I am sorry, I haven't watched a single one. I get overly emotional over live albums already I don't need visuals on top... Favourite live album is either Unleashed in the East by Judas Priest or Live! In California by Radio Moscow.

Do you prefer listening to playlists or albums?

In theory I love playlists, in practice my playlists I actually listen to are just a collection of albums one after another with unnecessary content removed (such as bonus tracks or just songs I'd skip anyways).

Do you prefer listening to albums in order or on shuffle?

In order, always. Can shuffle a playlist, but can't do that with albums.

What is your favourite deep cut song by your favourite artist?

According to Spotify Cheater by Judas Priest gets barely any listens which is ???? why would you not listen to one of their best songs ever? As for my other favourite band, it is of course Before the Kiss, a Redcap by BÖC if that counts.

What is your favorite cd/cassete/vinyl you own in terms of packing?

Technically it is not me who owns either but the album cover (both inside and out) of Vadászat by Hobo Blues Band is very awesome and the 25th anniversary CD box edition of Dark Side of the Moon is really fucking cool with the art cards and everything too!

I tag @hackettsongs, @jiangwanyin, @barbarella and @0mmadawn! 🌼

[verwelktesgedicht]

Special vk moments in Japan (2019)

After 2 1/2 years I returned to Japan. Mostly this time I met friends and went to concerts. Since I would like to make my tumblr a bit more personal again I decided to text a bit about this and write down about the moments and concerts that touched me the most. Well, actually I write a few things about all concerts I went to this time but.. you will notice which one touched me the most xDD If you want to know more about one or anything else.. please just send me a message ^^

First of all, my first concert after returning to Japan: an Arlequin oneman! I actually wanted to see Royz live that day but ticket prices for fan-sold tickets were ridiculous, even for bad numbers. Regular kombini-tickets had soo bad numbers at that time that it was like... standing in the hallway. And travelling to that city where they played would have cost me too much for it being worth standing in the hallway. So I wondered if there is any other concert I might be interested in to go instead and i decided 3 days before the concert that I will stay in Osaka to see Arlequin live instead of Royz in Hamamatsu. Other way I wouldn’t have seen Arlequin while I would see Royz at their 10th anni. So, Arlequin was so much better than expected! It sounds mean but let me tell you: I DID enjoy every of their taiban/twoman I went to so much. Just for some reason the oneman I went to in 2015.. wasn’t the best live ever. Some parts of the live were so boring?! So I realized, maybe Arlequin just isn’t a oneman band but a taiban band for me. Because their taibans were so damn fun! Anyway, I went to see them live in Sep 2019 because i wanted to see them and it was the only chance for that trip! And it was SO good. It felt like they improved a lot - performance-wise and setlist-wise. Aki’s talk improved a lot. He got so emotional?! --> I got so emotional?!? They even made me cry at one point.... I was like wtf. But somehow... it might also because it made me feel like “Damn. I guess I forgot what it feels like. This is it. Live houses are truly my home.”???? “Utopia” was really great because we all messed up the “lalala”-part... 3 times. We could do the melody but not the very ending of it but Aki didn’t want to have any of that shit and let us do it over and over again WITHOUT SHOWING US THE CORRECT MELODY!! It just broke when we didn’t know how to continue. It was so funny actually xD Embarassing and funny. In the end he helped us. I’m still a bit sad I couldn’t see a small live house live of Royz but I am very happy I went to see Arlequin again. I’m fine with how things turned out!

Next was kizu-DIAURA-twoman (with gulu gulu as opening act). It was fun! I wanted to see kizu live so much ^__^ And I’m happy I finally did because them and arlequin are the bands I listen to the most during the past 1-2 years. But after them DIAURA played and I realized how high-quality DIAURA’s performances are xDD They are so GOOD! I took my not-vk-fan-friend with me and she enjoyed it too ^___^ And I got MASTER’s ゴミ aka water bottle.

Then I saw alice nine live?!? Spontanously decided. The live was nice. I’m so happy i FINALLY saw them. After 12 years. And they played shunkashuuto with Tora singing (... trying to sing. xDD). NOSTALGIA kicked through!!!

Then I went to see ACME at a taiban. It was my first live of them and it was great! I ended up in Saizen.. and need to write about this in another entry because holy shit.

GUILD was special. I saw them spontaneously back in 2015 and 2014. once as oneman, once as 2man and once at a taiban. Before that I saw them in 2010 in Europe without actually knowing them. It was 1 year after they formed. So.. it’s quite interesting to see them every 4 years xDD I see their improvement. Their change. The live was very nice and funny. I went with 2 friends. One of them I saw GUILD in 2010 together with. I really like GUILD’s songs and enjoyed the live a lot since.. they were on hiatus for quite some time so there aren’t TOO many songs I don’t know. And even the new songs I knew more or less xD It was a lot of nostalgia. And a lot of fun. I missed GUILD and I’m glad they are back.

We spontaneously saw LEZARD and DaizyStripper live next. I was so so happy to see Sora again. I didn’t since I went to my last ALIVE live in 2015. So it was really nice.... I loved to see him having fun!! I loved to see him being in a band he enjoys and belongs to. I’m really glad he seems fine ^^ That was all that counted for me that day! And Daizy were more fun than I expected. Saw them at an open air live in 2014 and it was.. okay. But this 2man was a blast. I was surprised!

Gazette tourfinal at Yokohama Arena was a cool experience but we stood/sat quite in one of the highest rows and were far (not the most in the back but far) from stage, so.. well, yeah. It was a nice experience but I guess I prefer smaller lives?? Best moment was probably when Kai shout without microphone xD his usual “kakattekoi!!” could be heard EVERYWHERE and I was like “so this is what it sounds like live.” and loved it.

One of the lives that made me the happiest was HELLO. taiban. I wanted to see Aki live, my ALIVE boy xD But then I noticed that Nao (ex-ALIVE as well), would be support guitarist for that live and it couldn’t be better??? I ended up in saizen kami2 because the saizen girl wasn’t there for ALIVE and nobody wanted to be in saizen for the support guy and she BEGGED me to be in saizen when she found out I considered being there. So I was 1st row almost in front of Nao. It was soo great ._. I had perfect view on him and Aki and since at least Nao knew I would be there...... Not gonna brag stuff like “omg his smile was so cute T___T” ... but I loved seeing him smile at me. I loved seeing him kinda happy? He looked happy at least ^^ Nao isn’t in a band anymore but I think he does miss that time. At least it looked like that xD I don’t think they have THAAAT many fans. I mean... saizen was free right of me. But yeah, those were the support-spots, so maybe it was because of that xDD Anyway, I loved it. I loved to see them live again. I would love to see them live once again. I’m really so so happy I could go to this live. I mean, I didn’t know the furi well but I had a great Aki-gya next to me who was sooo nice and tried to help me and showed me the furi clearly while doing them during the songs. She even gave me their new CD as gift afterwards! It was only a taiban, so it was very short and I waited through 6 other bands of which I cared for only one but I definitely count this concert as one of the best during that trip. One of the few ones that made me the happiest. Because I could see the boys of the band smile that once were my (closest to-)honmei.

Another highlight of the trip was R-Shitei’s concert in Mito. I was sick and my voice was GONE that day. Really. Gone. I don’t know if this ever happened to me before but ... I couldn’t have ANY conversation. Anyway, the live was really fun!! And... at one point Mamo pointed at us saying that foreigners are here too today and if we’re having fun........ I screamed inside for two reasons: - First.. mamo-nii-chan noticed us ûu ..... xDDDD - Second: “... I NEED to answer but what if my voice isn’t existent again??” And my friend can’t speak Japanese so she had no idea what was going on...... I shout a bit during the live and sometimes it started working again a bit, sometimes it just died right away, so I took my chances and shout as loud as I could “Haaaaai!!” and ended it here because it came out fine and I didn’t want to tempt fate... xDDD I also met a friend from my year in Japan - by chance! She actually said she won’t go but she ended up there anyway xD Nice girl! She helped me with quite a few important things back then.

Then Royz’ 10th anni. When I went to their 5th anni I told myself I will be back for the 10th one. And I made it. 5 years ago I had no idea where I would be in 2019 and how my life would be and if Royz was even still around. But I told myself... if there is any chance for me to go to their 10th anniversary I would do it. I decided for the time of this trip because of this concert. Tbh, I was a bit pissed it was the very first time they made the anniversary live their tour final and also the very first time they held their anniversary in Tokyo. They always held it in their hometown Osaka. But maybe that time is over now. I wanted it to be in Osaka. But anyway...... You have to go with the flow? The live was nice! And the song Anniversary made me cry. I love the lyrics so much!? Also, they talked about Kazuki and his messages that morning. And ACROSS WORLD made me the happiest. It was the last song (of course?) and I was so happy... And seeing the people around me smile like crazy made me even happier xD I know I am not the best Royz fan anymore. I know maybe someone who is more of a fan should lead Royz-yade. I lost them a bit during the past years. But they are still awesome and I still enjoy their music and their concerts. I have so many memories connected to them and I won’t give up on them ^_^ I still love them. I am still happy for every step they make. For every goal they archive. Also, I talked to Kento!? xDDD Pretty boy.

R-Shitei in Wakayama was fun but Mito was more fun xD So no real review here. Except for... they played THREE ENCORE!

Last but not least, ACME. Nice concert! But the fans were strange... Yes, it was a small concert but nobody really called their names like bangya use to. Nobody shout. Many didn’t dance along. It was very strange?!? The band itself was great though! The songs are great, they are funny, their performance is good - and SHOGO is desperately afraid of guitar solo... xDD

I said last but not least, but actually... there was another concert xDD I went to see ALTL. It’s a tiny idol group with bandmen, one of them I like from his previous bands xD So.. actually I wanted to go with a friend but she didn’t make it so I went alone. And it was SO strange. It was in a club/small live house thingy and it was so strange to be there for an idol group??? The fans were different. The atmosphere was different. THE MUSIC WAS DIFFERENT XDDD But it was fun in the end? Way more than I thought. And you could take 2shots with your favorite member and talk a bit. I took.. 3 ûu” for 3000 Yen xD I enjoyed it but I felt lost xD I mean, I’ve been to many vk concerts alone. Also to very very small ones with only like 15 people. But at least that is my scene ^^” At least I knew what to do and what to expect. With that idol concert I was completely lost xDDD But I’m really glad I still went!

[kumkaniudaku]

FRIENDS (One)

A/N: This is HELLA late, but also on time considering @bribrisback is here to be part of it. I decided to split this into parts because it’s 5k words and counting. So, here’s to part one of another Maya x CoCo collab. Enjoy. 

Seasons had come and passed, families started and extended since the Boseman and Udaku tribes had been able to reconnect in person. What felt like an insurmountable distance didn’t keep the two couples from speaking almost weekly, or exchanging updates and gifts whenever necessary. Unfortunately, plans to spend the New Year in Wakanda fell through due to work commitments on both sides, further extending the time between visits.

Once the heatwave of late Spring rolled through, talks began to intensify about a concrete arrival date for Maya and T’Challa’s inherited family.

“So, Co, I have a surprise for you,” Maya sang on the other side of their FaceTime call.

“Is my girl a Delta yet? My Mala is crossing?!”

“Okay, number one, it’ll be hell to pay if that happens,” the Queen scoffed as she rolled her eyes. “Number two, no. I have a surprise that actually makes some damn sense.”

“Alright then, girl. When can I see this sensible surprise?”

“Well,” Maya started, chewing her bottom lip. “Challa and I were hoping you and Chad were still open to coming for a visit.”

“You know what’s crazy? We were literally just talking about the trip in bed last night.”

“It’s good to know y’all were thinking about us in the bedroom.”

Tasha watched Maya wink playfully before both ladies burst into laughter, “You are a mess.”

After much preparation and having to convince her husband and King, the Boseman’s were set to visit Wakanda.

“I’m so excited. Thanks, baby.” Maya stood on her tiptoes to give T’Challa a kiss.

Playfully rolling his eyes, he kissed her back. “Yeah, yeah.” Pulling back, he placed his hands on her belly. “Are you okay?”

“Fine, now let’s go tell the kids and Erik and Jas.”

“And the Milaje. Remember background checks are crucial.”

Maya walked away and shook her head, “You are ridiculous.”

“Just trying to keep everyone safe. That is my job, entle.” While he was partially joking, T’Challa took the subject of visitors seriously. And while he knew the Boseman’s were great people, he still took proactive steps. Maya called him paranoid, he called it precautious.

Maya called a meeting and was giddy when her family gathered around her. “Baby.” Jada, Erik and Jasmine’s daughter, rubbed her Aunt’s belly and giggled.

“Babies, Jada. Remember there are two.” Abdul said, sitting near his mama.

“Right.”

“So what are we in here for?” Erik asked, trying to read everyone’s faces. 

“Well, I have some exciting news.”

“TRIPLETS!” Mala stood up and squealed.

“Girl no!” The Princess and her father mumbled their disappointment. “Wait, were you banking on triplets? T’Challa, you know what the surprise is!”

“I know, I know, Kitten but I thought that was at least a possibility.”

The Queen could feel herself growing rapidly agitated with her daughter and husband and their absurd wish for her to have another baby. She just wanted to get the news out of her friends coming or she was going to burst into tears and flames.

Her emotions were quickly getting the best of her and she had to calm down, “Can I finish?” She asked.

“Of course.”

“Anyway, I have some exciting news. No additional playmates in the womb but our friends, the Boseman’s, are coming over!”

Mala gasped, “Really? Even little Mikey?”

“Yes and Noah.”

“WHO?” Erik asked and looked between Maya, Mala, and T’Challa.

“I met CoCo, I mean Tasha, at the Women’s Empowerment Conference after my, um-” She rubbed her stomach and avoided saying the word because she was too afraid she might jinx her pregnancy.

“Well anyway, Tasha and I met and hit it off immediately. We visited them for Christmas and then we went to see Bey and Jay’s concert in Paris with them. They are a lovely couple and a cute little family.”

“Damn, so you are inviting the couple you replaced us with?”

T’Challa rolled his eyes, “No one replaced you. We literally try to invite you two everywhere but you decline.”

“Whatever man. So who are these people, again?”

“Co does some consulting work with the Los Angeles Lakers and Chadwick is an actor.”

“A very good one.” Abdul hinted at the resemblance Chad and his father shared.

“Eish,” T’Challa bit his tongue and let Maya finish. 

“So Mala, Jai, and Jada you’ll be responsible for making sure Micah feels like the princess she is. She’s so sweet so I’ll know you’ll love her. Erik, I’m going to need you to be nice. Abdul, no calling Chadwick your dad or vice versa.”

“Dang it.” Abdul had already made up in his mind he was going to do just that.

“Hold up, hold up. What?” Erik was confused.

“Oh yeah, um, Chadwick and Challa look alike. There was a whole Black Panther movie out based on your blind rage to get revenge and the guy who played you looks exactly like you.”

Erik jumped up, “WHAT?!?”

“Yeah, Michael B. Jordan. Except he is cute but he doesn’t like black women.”

“First of all, how the hell did I not know I was in a movie. Second, I’ve seen him and we look nothing alike.”

Jasmine scoffed, “Yes you do. He just has more chin than you.”

Everyone laughed except for Erik, “Keep it up Jas.”

“Erik and Challa will make Chad feel welcome but when they get here we’ll do a tour and all that good stuff.”

Everything was set and Maya began texting Co, asking her what the family wanted to see and do the most.

T’Challa was prepared to deal with his wife’s constant reach for perfection. “Their room has to have goodies and engraved robes and slippers. Co likes chocolate right? I’ll ask. Micah’s room is going to be beside theirs or should she sleep in there with them or-“ T’Challa rested his hands on her shoulders.

“Kitten.”

“Noah! We have to-“

“Maya!”

She stopped and looked up at him. “Yes?”

“Relax. They won’t even be here until a few weeks. We have time. And I don’t want you stressing.” He motioned to her stomach.

“I’m only 4 months, Challa but I get it. I’ll relax.” He smiled and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Thank you.”

“And we didn’t even get their background checks, yet. So do not get too excited.” His tone was playful which put Maya at ease.

“Whatever you say, but I do need to ask does she want cotton or feather pillows.”

“Oh Bast.”

-----

In California, old school R&B competed with the screams of children that were supposed to be taking afternoon naps, slowly increasing Tasha’s blood pressure.

With only days left until the trip, her quest for neatly packed suitcases and checking off a carefully planned to-do list was becoming more of a novel idea than a reality.

“Aaron, stop making them scream.”

Chadwick took a pause from tickling Noah and Micah to shoot his wife a look, “Baby, they’ve been stuck in the house all day. At least let them have fun.”

“Oh, my problem is not with them having fun. It’s with you not having your bag packed and we leave in three days.”

“I got this, girl,” he boasted as he stood to wrap his arms around his wife. “You and I both know this ain’t about packing. What you nervous for?”

Years of companionship helped Chadwick to see through his wife’s misplaced frustration. Thankful for his comforting touch, Tasha let go of pent up tension through a deep breath.

“I guess I’m worried we may not fit in. We’ve been with Maya and T’Challa alone so many times that I forget they have an entire family back home that they’re comfortable with. What if they don’t like us?”

“Then I’ll have to get them together. Isn’t that how you and the girls say it?” Chadwick’s joke lightened the mood as he intended, making Tasha laugh until tears stung the corner of her eyes. “Things will be okay, Cookie. If the rest of the family is anywhere as dope as Maya and T’Challa, we’ll fit in just fine.”

Turning to face him, Tasha pressed two kisses to both sides of Chadwick’s face, “Thank you, baby.”

“Anything for my girl.”

“I’m glad you said that. Get yo’ ass in here and pack your bags. I’m not lending you my deodorant because you left yours like last time.”

Chadwick scoffed at his wife’s implication that he was irresponsible while watching her take his place as the household tickle monster. A glance at the mounds of folded shirts and underclothes made him wince. The longer his eyes scanned the room, the more he realized one thing: he should’ve listened to his wife sooner.

————

Even with an ocean and a chartered jet separating the two friends, both Maya and Tasha were riddled with a mix of excited and nervous energy.

Chadwick and Micah sat near the window of the futuristic aircraft, eyes glued to landscape unfolding beneath them.

“Daddy, look at all the trees! Are we going to the jungle?”

“No, Princess,” Chadwick laughed. “We’re going to someplace way better.”

A decorated member of the Milaje smiled at the interaction before interrupting, “If you are interested, we are approaching the border. I think you may enjoy the scenery much better from up here.”

Together, the Boseman family crowded to the cockpit of the jet to witness the breathtaking entry into Wakanda.

“Are we going to hit the trees,” Tasha questioned while sharing a look with her husband.

“No, Sister. Look.”

Asha adjusted the controls to the designated latitude with pride as the family behind her watched in awe. Before their eyes, the foliage lining the sky vanished, allowing the jet to break the near-invisible barrier between the outside world and the foreign country.

Buildings and landscape glittered in the high noon sun, resembling precious jewels. Each Boseman whispered various phrases of wonder and surprise as they flew through the city to the landing pad.

Turning to address her passengers, Asha smiled, “Welcome home.”

-------------------

T’Challa leaned on the threshold of the twins’ nursery and watched his wife fold the same white onesie three times. “Entle, come. Their jet should be breaking through the dome at any moment.”

“Is this too much?” Maya turned around and motioned to the extravagant nursery.

“No! It’s a nursery for two princes.”

Maya chuckled, “I’m glad you’re so confident they’re boys. And not the nursery, the way I’m presenting it.”

“No. Isn’t it a thing between you two? You both surprise each other and cry over the joy of a baby.” Walking forward, he brushed her braid out of her face.

“Yeah, it is.”

“Well,” Their conversation was interrupted when Ayo knocked on the door.

“Their jet just came through the border.”

“Okay, okay!” Maya’s calm demeanor went out of the window and she pushed T’Challa out of the way. “Okay! GET IN FORMATION!” She screamed out into the hallway, making the servants scramble.

“Maya, everyone is already out on the landing pad,” T’Challa informed.  

“Good,” Maya high stepped to the pad and gave her family the rundown, for the umpteenth time.

“Okay, greet them. Make them feel welcomed. Remember this is new territory and a completely different way of life from the states.”

Ramonda put her hand up, “Maya, dear, we as you always say ‘Got dis’!” Her grandchildren laughed at her odd way of saying the term while the adults nodded in agreement.

“Fine, well, I’ll see you all inside!” Maya turned around to head back to the nursery while still rattling her brain for more instructions.

Abdul watched, “She is going to turn around in 3, 2,-”

“Also don’t forget to-”

“GO!” Everyone yelled.

“Eish. Okay! Okay!”

————-

Orchestrating the family, Mala led a countdown as the ramp of the jet lowered to reveal the guests of honor. “One, two, three -”

“WELCOME TO WAKANDA!”

Smiling faces, familiar and foreign, greeted the Boseman family with warm hugs as they exited the aircraft. Chadwick shook his shoulders to the welcome music, earning a laugh from Abdul.

“He dances just like BaBa,” the prince whispered as he nudged his sister. “I am going to record this for Aunt Shuri to use. For research purposes, of course.”

Ignoring her younger sibling, Malaika hustled to the front of the crowd to lead the welcome wagon.

“Aunt Tasha!”

“My Mala!” The duo embraced each other in a spirited hug that seemed to last forever. “You look just like your mama, girl! Look at this outfit!”

“My outfit is the least important part of this conversation. Look at the baby!” Mala’s voice went up in pitch as she observed Noah who was focused on chewing his way through his teething ring. Distracted by the presence of a new babyface to pinch and kiss, she nearly missed the light tug at her skirt.

“Do you remember me?” The small voice, fragile and sad, drew Mala away from Noah and to the source of the question.

Bending to balance on one knee, she smiled, “Well, who wouldn’t remember a princess? Especially one as pretty as Princess Micah?”

Micah’s eyes lit up at Mala’s compliment before she rushed into her arms for a hug. After ending the welcomes at Chadwick, Mala led the family to the remaining Udakus. Queen Mother was the first to notice the incoming guests, her smile transitioning between its usual ray of sunshine to a confused from.

“Son, you have invited an imposter into our borders?”

“No, Umama” Irritation began to etch itself into the lines of T’Challa’s forehead as the rest of the group picked up on what was happening.

Jas and Erik whispered amongst themselves while shielding their children from the danger. Only Shuri found the humor in the situation as she stepped forward to examine the “intruder.”

“It is impossible that this one can be an intruder. Bast would not make two idiots that look exactly alike. That is cruel and unusual, even for the ancestors.” Her joke pulled laughs and murmurs of approval from the kids and Erik, but none from T’Challa and Queen Mother.

“Shuri,” Ramonda scolded, earning a quick ‘sorry’ from the princess. Her eyes scanned Chadwick for a few more moments, picking up subtle differences in his appearance compared to her son’s. When she was at least partially convinced that Chadwick was not a murderous doppelganger, she slowly extended her hand.

“Everyone, this is Chadwick Boseman, his wife Tasha, and his children Micah and Noah. They will be joining us for a few days. You are to treat them with the same respect that you show me.” T’Challa could sense Erik opening his mouth to answer with a rebuttal, prompting him to alter his statement. “With more respect than you show me. Please, no jokes.”

All collectively agreed to remain on their best behavior before exchanging hugs.

“Aunt Tasha, Mama wants you and Uncle Chadwick to meet her in another part of the palace. If you do not mind, BaBa will lead you all while we take Micah and Noah to play.”

T’Challa could sense the apprehension from both parents at the mention of leaving their newest addition alone with people that they weren’t quite familiar with. Knowing this, T’Challa motioned for Ramonda to step forward.

“My mother is the baby whisperer. Each one of the children here have gone through her. I promise to you, both Micah and Noah are in the best hands we could offer.”

Noah, a usually shy child, felt an instant connection to Ramonda and her warm smile. His arms extended to grab hold of the woman, laughing and smiling at the jewelry that adorned her ears and neck.

“You remind me of my Abdul when he was your age,” She cooed before looking to Tasha and Chadwick. “No harm will come to them. You have my word.”

With a smile and a gesture of thanks, Tasha turned to T’Challa, “Well, my friend, after you!”

--------------------

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[hermitologist]

My 17 Favorite Records of 2017

Hello, Internet. Yet another year has passed, and because I’ve made a habit of making year-end lists, this old man has gone and done it again.

I listened to a veritable buttload of music this year on my morning runs, which I decided to post about on Instagram most days in a concerted effort to keep myself accountable bore every last one of my followers to death. I think it’s working.

What follows, is my list of favorites. Not “best”. “Favorite”. *My* favorite. So, spare me the “Your list sucks. WTF. I can’t believe “A Vest For Jerome” by Turd Circus isn’t on there!” comments. I’m sorry we don’t have the exact same taste in music. :)

As usual, I feel like the top 5 or 6 here are pretty carved in stone, but the last 12 and some of the honorable mentions could totally be flip-flopped depending on which side of the bed I woke up on. I actually fiddled with a few spots five minutes before posting this, which is either a testament to that or Exhibit 4,923 in my undiagnosed OCD case.

Anyways ... TL;DR. Here’s what I was into this year. I hope you find something you enjoy.

IMPORTANT: Please let me know what I might missed out on (as I’m sure there’s a ton of it), and share some of your favorites in the comments below. Thanks!

17) Japandroids - Near To The Wild Heart Of Life

This didn’t quite grab me the way Celebration Rock did, but it’s got a good number of super infectious earworms that got stuck in my brain at the top of the year. 

Listen here.

16) Sorority Noise - You’re Not As ____ You Think

Excellent “emo”with that feels like it could very easily fit into Brand New’s discography (and I mean that in a very complimentary way). Highly recommended if you’re looking for something to fill that void. 

Listen here. 

15) Queens of the Stone Age - Villains

This took a little while for this record to sink its teeth into me, but once it did, it didn’t let go. The arrangements are so nuanced that I’ve found little bits of ear candy each time I’ve listened to it, and while the mix is not my favorite, the songs are so brilliantly catchy and drumming so monstrous, I’m hooked. And Jon Theodore is the best drummer on Earth. That’s not debatable either. It’s fact.

Listen here.

14) David Bazan - Care

It’s no secret that I’m a sucker for anything and everything Bazan. His lyrics and the timbre of his voice cut to my core, and the songs on Care are no exception -- even when they’re delivered over minimalist electronica (which is not my favorite vehicle by any stretch). Another Bazan masterpiece.

Listen here.

13) Glassjaw - Material Control

This record is perfect in that it is exactly what it needs to be. It’s Glassjaw doing what they do best -- intense, vibey, groovy, heavy post-hardcore that is a logical follow-up to Worship & Tribute, while flexing and pushing enough to make it feel fresh. A tremendous return to form, and a record that was well worth the wait.

Listen here.

12) Julien Baker - Turn Out The Lights 

Sprained Ankle blew me away and knocked me on my ass, and somehow, some way, Baker has leveled up and topped that. The stripped-down “artist + guitar” intimacy is still there, but the heavy moments hit even harder because of the additional orchestration on this record. Such a promising future for her.

Listen here.

11) The Life & Times - S/T

Another excellent record from some of one of Kansas City’s best bands. There are few who do airy, melancholic, spacey, dynamic rock better than these guys. And Chris Metcalf is one of the best drummers on the planet right now -- so pockety, tasteful, and effortless. Highly recommended if you dig Failure, Shiner, Hum, Antenna-era Cave In, et al. 

Listen here.

10) METZ - Strange Peace

This beast is 36 minutes of noisy, nasty, heavy post-punk with stellar guitar and bass tones, and badass drumming that sounds like the best parts of Nirvana and Young Widows had a perfect lovechild. I dare you to listen to this record and not have an overwhelming urge to play it as loud as you possibly can and headbang until your eyes fall out of your skull.

Listen here.

9) CHON - Homey

I really enjoyed this when it came out, but it wasn’t until we spent five weeks on tour with them and got to see them shred a handful of these songs on a nightly basis that it really grabbed ahold of me. This record is stellar. Sure there are a ton of notes, but they’re all tasteful, never bogged down in painfully long prog opuses, and there’s so much feel here ... which is so rare in the new world of insanely chopped, gridded and sampled prog. The splashes of hip-hop and glitchy Prefuse 73 style electronica are a killer addition to the mix as well. This is the feel good record of the year for me.

Listen here.

8) Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

There really isn’t another rapper who holds a candle to Kendrick at the moment, and this might be the best work of his career. I haven’t had a hip-hop record hit me like this in at least a decade. I was hooked from the second the beat dropped in DNA., got roped in even more by the slow jam LOVE., and HUMBLE. sealed the deal. What a beast.

Listen here.

7) Cloud Nothings - Life Without Sound

This record rules, but I’m not sure I can put my finger on exactly why I like it so much. It’s got tiny elements of so many bands I love or used to love without being overly referential. It’s got a melancholic vibe but never lacks energy. And it is packed with really, really well written and catchy songs without full-blown pop circus. You know you’re listening to a great record when you’re playing a deep cut and uncontrollably blurt, “Fuck, this song is good.” 

Listen here.

6) Converge - The Dusk In Us

Nobody does it better than these dudes, and it’s been that way for the better part of two decades. The Dusk In Us is yet another record a discography full of bar-setting hardcore/metal/noise records that elevate the ceiling of the genre and make everyone else sound/look bland in comparison. This one slides right into the #3 or #4 spot in that storied discography. So great.

Listen here.

5) Manchester Orchestra - A Black Mile To The Surface

This is one of those rare records that blows you away on first listen, and gets better with each subsequent listen. The former happens when the songs --stripped to their bones -- are stellar, and the latter happens when the arrangements and mix are somehow even more stellar. ABMTTS checks the shit outta both of those boxes and then some. Aaaand it was made with multiple producers, but doesn’t sound disjointed in the slightest, which seems damn near impossible. It’s the perfect Manchester Orchestra record ... “The Gold” was stuck pleasantly in my head for a majority of the year.  

Listen here.

4) Pile - A Hairshirt Of Purpose

Disclaimer: I am a late adopter of the majesty of Pile, but I am happy to announce that I am hopelessly hooked on their soulful, noisy, schizophrenic, (occasionally) dreamy, fusion of post-punk, blues, and all sorts of other good things. My entry point was Dripping, but A Hairshirt ... cemented my love for this band. It’s weird, it’s beautiful, it’s energetic, it’s heavy, it’s ethereal, and the musicianship is frustratingly good. If you know, you know ... if you don’t, just trust me. Spin it with an open mind and meet one of your new favorite bands.

Listen here.

3) Propagandhi - Victory Lap

I grew up on Epitaph and Fat Wreck Chords punk rock in the 90s, and these guys (and gal) are legitimately the only band of that era that continue to excite and inspire me. I look forward to every release, and they manage to deliver every. single. time. It’s not a nostalgia thing with Propagandhi. Chris Hannah’s lyrics, melodies, and guitar playing continue to push the boundaries of what can be done in that genre. You might expect a group of 40-year-old punks to decline or at least plateau, but they’re still on an upward trajectory and it’s  inspiring as hell. Bonus points if you’re a parent and can listen to “Adventures In Zoochosis” without tearing up. Victory Lap is outstanding -- one of their three best records without question. 

Listen here.

2) Cloakroom - Time Well

If you’ve been following me here, on Twitter, or Instagram, it’s no secret that I’ve got a massive soft spot in my heart for bummer jams -- especially bummer jams of the heavy variety. Time Well is a damn near perfect in those regards. It’s shoegazey without being tired or overly jangly, mildly doomy without being mind-numbingly boring, and fuzzy without sounding like it was recorded inside a sleeping bag. I’m pretty sure I listened to this record more than anything else this year, and after probably a hundred spins, it hasn’t lost any of its luster. It’s outstanding (and it’s got some damn tasty drumming on it too).

Listen here.  

1) Elder - Reflections Of A Floating World

My buddy Scott Evans (Kowloon Walled City vocalist/guitarist, Antisleep recording engineer/producer, multi-talented human, generally outstanding dude, recommender of many amazing bands) turned me on to these guys earlier this year by sharing 2015′s Lore with me. That record f-ing floored me. Riffs for days. Heaviness. Prog vibes. Stoner rock goodness. Dynamics. Space. Sabbath-y vocals. It checked all of the boxes. Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to hear Reflections Of A Floating World. 

ROAFW dropped in June, and it’s even better than I could have imagined. I’d wager that there are more sick riffs on this record than your favorite band has in their entire discography. I dare you to listen to this and not get a twitch to start a play air guitar. Also: How the shit do you write 15-minute songs that don’t bore people into catatonia? This is how. Just like this. Parts never drag, parts never feel like they’re just filler, and there isn’t a wasted moment in 64 minutes of music. That’s a remarkable feat in and of itself. This is a goddamn timeless record, and there’s no doubt I’ll have it in heavy rotation for the rest of my life.

Listen here.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Effects - Eyes To The Light

Brutus - Burst

Nate Smith - KINFOLK: Postcards From The Edge

Employed To Serve - Warmth of A Dying Sun

God Mother - Vilseledd

Slowdive - Sugar For The Pill

Hundredth - RARE

Mutoid Man - War Moans

Grizzly Bear - Painted Ruins

Quicksand - Interiors

Death From Above - Outrage! Is Now

Power Trip - Nightmare Logic

Health - DISCO3

Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory

All Them Witches - Sleeping Through The War

Code Orange - Forever

Blis - No One Likes You

Bjork - Utopia

Less Art - Strangled Light ;)

MY FAVORITE RECORD OF 2015 THAT I DIDN’T HEAR UNTIL 2017

Town Portal - The Occident

MY FAVORITE RECORD OF 2004 THAT I DIDN’T HEAR UNTIL 2017

The Stella Link - Mystic Jaguar... Attack!!!

CURRENT PODCAST QUEUE

Chapo Trap House (Grey Wolf Feed)

The Trap Set

Song Exploder

Slate’s The Gist

Slate’s Hang Up & Listen

INTERCEPTED

The FilmDrunk Frotcast

Deadcast

How I Built This

Freakonomics Radio

Radiolab

This American Life

[effervescentmind]

Entry 55: 10.20.20 @ 1:40 p.m.

In my room listening to (insert band name here).

I just got off a zoom call with my English teacher. I have been avoiding all our optional zooms and watching the recordings later. She has been trying to get me to join for some reason and I always make it seem like I’m too busy to do it. She got me this time only because all my recent assignments disappeared off my computer and I had to re-do my paper. It was frustrating but she helped me get caught up. 

Last week, my target application was denied, and I applied to Aldi’s only to find out that they do not have a working number to call. Yesterday, I decided to call target and give it another shot. When I applied, I put my schedule as only mornings because I wanted the same schedule, I had at FEDEX but figured this was the reason they turned me away. I was unable to speak to the hiring manager because she was in the middle of an orientation. Ugh, great. That could have been me in there but whatever. Anyway, I spoke with a different manager and explained that my schedule was fully open, and I would like an opportunity to join their team. She took my information and explained that the hiring manager wouldn’t be in tomorrow (today) but she may get back to me on Wednesday (tomorrow). So, hopefully she does call, and I can start working soon. 

This weekend I didn’t really get into much. My mom was with her boyfriend the whole time for his birthday. Not that she needs that as an excuse to be gone for days. I’m not complaining though. I love it when I’m alone, but I did get pretty bored and decided to get on some dating apps and see who I could talk to. Previously I said I would wait ‘til I got my car but thought to hell with it. I now have two new steam friends to play with although one of them is already trying to imagine himself as my boyfriend and it’s making me very uncomfortable. If he keeps it up, I’m going to cut him off. He’s not rude, ugly or bummy but I just don’t think I want a relationship right now. I’m just looking for mutuals at the moment. 

In my search for mutuals, I tried three different apps. First, Badoo and was short lived. Second, Bumble which I had maybe a whole day but also deleted. That’s the app I found the clingy guy on and a plethora of unwarranted dick pics. Lastly, I tried tinder which resulted in a white boy finding me on Facebook to message me that he swiped on me. Immediately, I blocked it because I felt like it was a complete invasion of privacy. I don’t understand why he thought it was okay to do so. If we don’t match, don’t seek me out and try to force conversation on me! 

After a short while of swiping, I matched with someone and started a conversation. He was a remarkably interesting, lively personality and our conversation was fun. I liked it so much that I invited him over to talk. He is from LA and was in town for a week, visiting his parents. We talked about horror movies, music and past experiences. I found out he was an upcoming Rockstar. He’s in a band and has toured with a lot of my favorite hard rock bands all over the world. He has pictures of everything on his Instagram. I was surprised but impressed. 

The whole time we were talking, I had Brooklyn 99 playing and we would periodically laugh at the show between conversations. Eventually he gave signals that he wanted me. At first, he was holding my hand and then told me to sit next to him. I didn’t right away but when I was next to him, he put his arm around me and played with my hair. He was telling me how pretty it was and softly rubbed on my ear. I was turned on and not because he was in a band but because I thought he was cute, and we had good conversation. We made out a little bit until he began touching on my waist and I blurted out that I was on my period. I lied. I had just got off it two days prior but aside from not being shaven, I didn’t want him thinking he could just come over here and get pussy when we only messaged about hanging out and talking. 

I understand that most people my age now “hangout” to fuck but I didn’t want that. I really wanted to just have some company, so I denied him his carnal desire. Told him next time he came into town, maybe I’d let him. He said he may be back in February and we hung out for a short while longer until he left. Although it was three in the morning, I knew if we had sex, he would have been there passed that time, so I don’t feel bad for not having sex with him. I have the pussy; I make the rules. 

The next day, I sent him a tasteful nude and told him to not forget me in February. He said he wouldn’t and sent me a nude back. We talked a little more and then I cut the conversation. I do intend on having sex with him when he returns but I wanted to flirt some and feel him out first. I just refuse to have crappy sex with people. I want someone to be excited about me and fuck me right. I refuse to not be satisfied again. I will make these men wait. They will wait for me and not waste my time if I give them my body. That’s how I feel right now. 

It’s three days since he was here and I’m just now finally listening to his music. It’s actually really good and I love it. A unique style and just what I’ve been needing lately. I’ve been wanting some new rock to listen to and watched one of the band’s live performances. His energy is incredible on stage. Definitely a concert I would want to attend. Haven’t told him though and I probably won’t if he doesn’t ask me. 

[mwitchipoo]

This post might be in bad timing. Especially when the COVID-19 pandemic is in full force over here in the U.S. Then again, perhaps people need some distraction. Regardless. This entry is about Morrissey.

One of the first ‘Post Punk’ bands I was exposed to. I was maybe 14, 15, listening to a program on WNEW-FM. The program focused on (at the time) the latest Alternative music from the U.K. (Might have been the first time I heard Killing Joke as well.) The DJ spun The Smiths‘ classic ‘How Soon Is Now.’ It left an impression. In 1986, I saw The Smiths in concert at Pier 84. Now that I’ve admitted this, you can guess my true age.

Anyway, The Smiths concert was one of the better gigs I saw that year. Throughout my high school years during the ’80s, I owned most of The Smiths albums. In 1991, I had floor seat to Morrissey‘s sold out concert at Madison Square Garden. It was his first U.S. solo tour. I distinctly remember him doing a cover of The Jam’s ‘That’s Entertainment.’

As the ’90s went on, my life changed direction. Got more interested in the later Industrial bands, the Madchester bands from U.K., and had a brief affair with Rave culture. Hadn’t kept up with Morrissey too much. Although my Welsh friend did inform me about how Morrissey was slagged in the British press for a few things he said. Now thanks to social media, some of Morrissey’s views got the U.S. spotlight. Of course, in the age of ‘Cancel’ culture, people online were blasting Moz. Cancellations of his own shows weren’t helping either. Figuring I was content to coast on Smith memories, the last thing I expected was a chance to see Morrissey at one of my favorite venues, Forest Hills Stadium.

As fate would have it, tickets to Morrissey’s Queens gig were sent my way. At first I got razzed by associates for even considering going. But after two conversations over the summer, I decided to attend.

I’m glad I went.

No, I don’t agree with everything Morrissey says. Yet, I’m not going to deny the influence Morrissey had during my teen years. If it wasn’t for Morrissey, I wouldn’t been introduced to vegetarianism. During The Smiths glory days, Morrissey resonated with the introverts, the forlorn, the misunderstood, the chided. Wearing flowers in his jeans’ back pocket, he would dance onstage wearing NHS issued glasses. He represented the misfits who looked up to luminaries such as Oscar Wilde. The clues were in the iconic sleeve designs.

Prior to forming The Smiths with guitarist Johnny Marr, Morrissey was a fan, just like you and me. He wrote books about James Dean and The New York Dolls. Morrissey shared his obsessions with poetic abandon. With The Smiths he reached the same adulteration he previously gave.

Attending the Morrissey concert at Forest Hills Stadium. Queens, NY. Sept. 2019. 

Late summer, early fall 2019. I decided to accept the tickets for Morrissey at Forest Hills Stadium. As a NYC resident living in the borough of Queens, I don’t live far from the venue. What a difference times makes. Growing up in Queens, everyone in my immediate neighborhood knew who BonJovi was, but had never heard of The Smiths. Now Morrissey was slated to play which could be considered my backyard. It was a bit of a weird feeling. Similar to when Culture Club performed at Forest Hills Stadium the year prior. My friend and I made it in time for opening act Interpol’s set. That was after security searched everyone’s bag as we were instructed not to bring any meat inside the venue. This was true. Security at the entrance were searching bags for meat, and making announcements that no animal based dishes would be sold at the concession stand. Occasionally a few security members snickered as they informed the crowd.

The seats my friend and I had weren’t the greatest. Soon after the Interpol set, my friend spotted two associates of hers, who invited us to sit with them. Their seats were center, with a much better view. Since it was the end of the season over at Forest Hills Stadium, security and ushers didn’t seem to care one bit. A lot more chill than the employees were last year. Ironically, no meat was allowed, but the smell of pot lingered everywhere.

Despite what the music press reported in the U.S., (lack of ticket sales) by the time Morrissey got on stage, Forest Hills Stadium was packed. On stage the screen flickered British nostalgia, ranging from ’60s fashion to early U.K. Punk. There were even shots of James Baldwin and Bruce Lee. Those images comforted me. You see, my mother was British, and part of her youth was spent in ’60s England. She passed away in 2015. Seeing those images flickering on the screen was personally appreciated.

Halfway through the concert, I was reminded why I became a Smiths, and a Morrissey fan in the first place. There were sparks of the same intensity Morrissey had way back in 1986, when I saw The Smiths live. The best part was when he performed that one song which introduced me to Morrissey’s world. That same song I heard way back on WNEW-FM, ‘How Soon Is Now?’

It’s still one of my favorite Smiths songs to this day.

Now that it’s March 2020, I don’t regret seeing Morrissey live.

Now that I have some downtime (thanks to COVID-19), I can post this Morrissey sketch. Hand drawn in pen and ink, digital color.

Morrissey. Illustration by Michele Witchipoo. March 2020. 

  Morrissey This post might be in bad timing. Especially when the COVID-19 pandemic is in full force over here in the U.S.

[moayoub1]

10 Things to do in Marrakech on a Budget

If you think that that you simply got to spend a fortune to enjoy Marrakech, think again! Sure there are many places where you'll drop many euros an evening for an area and eat extravagant “Moroccan” meals, but you certainly don’t have to! With dozens of flights from Europe arriving everyday Marrakech may be a cheap holiday and cheap weekend break. Once you’ve got your flight and hotel squared away don’t worry about breaking the bank, instead save your money while still enjoying all the town has got to offer once you visit Marrakech.

Visit the choice Gardens Sure, the Majorelle Gardens are beautiful but they also charge an admission of 50+ dirham per person counting on the choices you select. it's going to not be tons of cash, but if you’re on a budget every dirham counts. Instead, take a rehearse the opposite two gardens centrally located near the medina. this is often one among the free things to try to to in Marrakech. Arset Moulay Abdeslam Cyber Garden or Kotoubia Gardens are on the brink of the medina and wonderful. within the Cyber Garden, you'll devour free wi-fi (note the web are often spotty) to see emails or post a Facebook update and find a clean comfort station. The Koutoubia Gardens also are an excellent spot to steer and capture some pictures of the towering minaret with fauna and flora around.

Combined admission to Musee de Marrakech, Almoravid Koubba, and Ben Youssef Madrassa

Visit the Musee de Marrakech first and buy a combined ticket for 60 dirhams which will offer you access to the three sites. If you don’t speak French the Marrakech Museum could also be a touch of a challenge but you'll still observe the various traditional items on display. The Almoravid Kubba is that the only piece of Almoravid architecture remaining in Marrakech (dating from the 1100s) and is a bit of history. Lastly Ben Youssef Madrassa -my favorite of the three. This once served as a faculty (madrassa means school) and attendees lived upstairs. There isn’t much remaining apart from the walls but the architecture and artisan work is gorgeous.

(Worth noting the Ben Youssef Madrassa is closed for renovations through 2019 making this combined ticket not as beneficial until afterward)

Eat on the road While reluctant travelers might not desire eating street food for the intrepid it is often not only a delicious meal but an excellent thanks to economizing. Moroccans’ don’t eat Moroccan food in restaurants – they eat it reception. So if you’re sitting down and paying for a 100 dirham tajine know that you’re getting straight-up tourist fare.

If however, you wander into a little shop serving roast chickens, Harira soup, or skillet-fried Msemmen you’re eating sort of a Moroccan – which means eating on a Moroccan budget too. For breakfast, a cup of tea and Sfinge (doughnuts) will set you back 5-10 dirham (about 1 euro), while a dinner of grilled chicken skewers with Moroccan salads and bread may cost 20-30 dirham (2-3 euros). You’ll find a spread of offerings in the least times of the day.

Free Cultural Performances

Cafe Clock is comparatively new in town but they need some amazing offerings, alongside great food. just like the Cafe Clock Facebook page to stay up so far with all of the items that are happening but make certain to drop by on Thursdays for traditional Moroccan storytelling (in English and Arabic) and Sunday nights for his or her concerts. Treat yourself to a cup of tea or one among their milkshakes with homemade ice cream!

Watch Craftsmen at Work

The souks aren’t only for shopping. The further you walk back the more frequently you’ll see workshops and not just shopfronts. Men are often seen piecing together leather shoes or carving wooden implements. Any number of other artisans are going to be busy too. If you are doing want to require an image, make certain to ask first and offer some change as a polite many thanks (5-10 dirham is acceptable).

Take an area Hammam

There is a good sort of hammams in Marrakech; from traditional neighborhood hammams to ultra-fancy spas like hammams and everything in between. If you would like to experience a hammam but are trying to find an inexpensive hammam in Marrakech, then choose the local bath. Entrance is 10-20 dirham but if you’d sort of a full scrub by an attendant also the soap if you haven’t purchased elsewhere it'll cost about 50 dirhams. Compare this to 200-500 dirham that you simply can spend during a mid-range hammam. the likelihood is that you’ll get a far better scrub with the cheaper option anyway!

Low Entry Fee Attractions

To visit the Badi Palace, Bahia Palace, or Saadian Tombs will cost just 10 dirhams each. get on the lookout there'll be people milling about offering to offer you a guided tour but you'll always decline. this may economize and you'll find much information before time in guidebooks and online.

Walk in the Mellah

The Mellah is that the old Jewish quarter of Marrakech. Here you’ll see a distinctively different sort of architecture. See if you'll find the synagogue (no longer operational) and make certain to go to the spice quarter across from the Gold Souk. A walk down the streets here causes you to feel almost like you’re during a completely different setting.

Free Exhibitions A great resource for free of charge exhibitions is to follow the local foreign language schools. There are two English centers, the French Institute, a Spanish Institute, and a German center in Marrakech – and possibly other languages also. These centers often host talks, movies, and performances within the language that's taught there and sometimes on topics concerning Morocco. Most of the time they're free and hospitable to the general public.

Sit during a rooftop cafe overlooking Djem al Fna

For the worth of a drink, you'll sit above the square and watch the action. Many rooftop terraces require you to shop for something, but even a soda or bottle of water will suffice. Enjoy the music below, people watch, read a book, whatever you’d wish to do these are an excellent spot to relax and take in the Marrakech vibe. If you set about 45 minutes before sunset you’ll be more likely to urge a seat overlooking the square as most of the people come just before this point and seats are at a premium.

A few more cost-saving tips; take the bus from the airport to Djem al Fna. It’s one of the nicer city buses and is never full. Cost is 30dh If you would like to require a taxi walk outside of the airport grounds to the most street. it'll cut the value of the cab fare a minimum of in half. Visit within the low season – remember even wintertime in Marrakech is nicer than much of the world! Stick with local drinks. Alcohol is out there and legal but it’s very expensive. Check with your hotel or raid for discounts or free admission/cover charges for clubs if you're curious about this. Negotiate on any large purchases you propose to form. But prices are assailed smaller things like water, fruit, food, etc.

[welovefunassyi]

Current and Upcoming Funassyi Events, Week of October 16, 2017

I know…it’s been a month since my last update. I was in the hospital for about a week in the interim. But anyway, here we are again!

Funassyi 5 Year On Earth Anniversary Project

More details in in this post.

Live events/appearances by Funassyi

October 22: Gotouchi Chara Haku in Hikone, Gifu (official site). With Funagoro and Funyassyi. Note that the festival itself is on October 21-22. Funassyi will be there on the 22nd only, but Funagoro and Funyassyi will be there both days. Funassyi stage appearance on the otonozae  Kyobashi stage at 13:55 with Funagoro and Funyassyi - stage schedule here.

October 29: Funassyiland Nagoya Halloween event at Wink Aichi, 7th floor; 13:00 and 15:30 (details on Funassyiland site) . Get an entry sticker for the drawing for seats for every 2,000 yen worth of purchases at any permanent Funassyiland store from now until October 1st

November 18: 2018 Funassyi Calendar 5th Anniversary event at Toho Cinemas Screen 4, Lalaport Tokyo Bay, Funabashi; 14:00 (details on official calendar site). Reserve either the wall or desktop calendar from any Funassyiland between now and October 22nd to receive an entry sticker for the event seat drawing

November 26: World Chara Summit in Hanyu, Saitama (official site). Note that the festival will be on November 25-26, but Funassyi will be there on the 26th only. Both Funagoro and Funassyi will be there on both days.

Live events/appearances by Funagoro and/or Funyassyi

These are appearances by Funagoro and Funyassyi only.　Since there are Funagoro and Funyassyi fans too, I’ve listed all of their appearances here, so some may duplicate the listings above. 

Be sure to check the official Funagoro/Funyassyi Funassyiland schedule page here. 

October 21-22: Gotouchi Chara Haku in Hikone (see above) - both Funagoro and Funyassyi. Their only scheduled stage appearance is with Funassyi (see above) but they are very likely to be roaming around near the official Funassyiland booth, no. 214 (booth map page)

October 28: Funassyiland Funabashi  - Funyassyi 

November 10: Funassyiland Nagoya - Funagoro 

November 19: Funassyiland Funabashi - Funyassyi 

November 25-26: World Chara Summit in Hanyu (see above) - both Funagoro and Funassyi 

TV, Radio, Live Webcasts, Movies, Music

TV: hi-IMAGINE Radio appearance, November 20 and 27 (or late night November 19 and 26), 1:25~ , Nippon TV, Tokyo/Kanto area only or via Nippon TV On Demand (although it’s called Radio, it’s a TV show)

Music: Available now: Spring 2017 Ketsugobou Tour DVD (release date: May 26). 274ch member order page. Also available from CDJapan, Amazon Japan, Funassyiland web store.

Music: Available now: Arukunashi Charamel CD Single (double-A side; on 274ch site also available now from Amazon Japan, CDJapan etc.

Online - Official music video for Charamel (details)  

Online - Official music video for Arukunashi (video link)

Online - Available for viewing now : Untouchable Shibata’s Animal Research Team program in 4 parts on 360.tv (details). Note that Funassyi will also be on the show and/or providing narration for the second season.

Movie: November 3: Last Cop The Movie, on Blu-Ray and DVD. Available fore pre-order now (Amazon Japan link to the various editions)

Special shopping events and exhibitions, restaurants etc.

November 2- November 23: Limited period Funassyiland in Sendai at Sendai Loft, 2nd floor (official page)

The Funassyi livery train has been extended until December 31!! Funassyi livery train, Shin Keisei Railway (details; official page on Shin Keisei Railway site).

- December 31 The Misato station has been re-done in a Funassyi theme. In addition, in-station announcements are in Funassyi’s voice. Funassyi livery trains also has Funassyi-voice announcements during this period.

Until supplies last : 2017 Funassyi Funabashi Pear Boxes now available for preorder (details)

Products of note

End of October: 2018 Funassyi weekly and monthly planners/agendas (

At this point most of the new and cool Funassyi products are available exclusively via the Funassyiland stores, with the exception of books, calendars etc. Which is good I guess if you live in Japan, since it’s one-stop shopping, but somewhat inconvenient for overseas Funassyi fans, since Funassyiland does not ship overseas. If you don’t have a cooperative friend in Japan, I recommend using a shopping service.

Available now : Minna de Aemen Funassyi themed noodles from Yamasa

2018 Funassyi Calendar

Official site.  Available now from the Funassyiland online store, physical Funassyiland stores, bookstores nationwide, Amazon, CDJapan, etc.

2018 Funassyi Nengajo (New Years cards)

Available from the Japan Post online store - link

Apps, stickers and games

New illustrated Funassyi sticker set for the LINE app - they are adorable! Only available in Japan at the moment unfortunately. (link)

Available now: Funassyi stickers for iMessage (the Messages app), iOS only - but available worldwide! (link to US App Store - check your local App store)

Available now: Taiwan/Chinese version Funassyi LINE stamps (check in your LINE app; not available outside of Taiwan though)

274ch.com

274ch.com, Funassyi’s official streaming video channel/fan club, is the main outlet for Funassyi’s video appearances. Videos are uploaded every couple of days, and are very funny, with Funassyi appearing far more loose and relaxed than he is on broadcast TV. Highlights include a cooking show, Funassyi imitating various Japanese entertainers (his imitation of Beat Takeshi aka Takeshi Kitano is priceless), Funassyi going camping, Funassyi going go-cart racing, and much more. There are also frequent live streams of The Pear doing interviews and so on.

There are also fan-exclusive meets with Funassyi, and fan-exclusive concerts too, such as the upcoming Zetsu Bushaa Tour (see schedule above).

Membership is 600 yen per month or 6,000 yen per year. You can now join from outside of Japan too, although the site is in Japanese only (and so is customer support and so on). Details here. You will most likely need a Japanese mailing address to receive materials from the site for now.

Note: Sometimes someone at the streaming video provider seems to turn on IP checking/blocking of non-Japanese IPs. If you can’t access the videos, just wait a few hours and it will usually get fixed.

274ch official Instagram account

Link here

Photo source - from the gotouchi chara festival in Susaki

Last but not least…

I know the updates here have become rather scarce. The thing is, I have some serious health problems which make it hard to sit at my desk for extended periods - and I find it very hard to update Tumblr via my phone. I will try to update here as regularly as I can, but if you are on Facebook please join the We Love Funassyi group, which is quite active, with many enthusiastic Funatomo. See you there!

Photo source 

[deathandallhisfriendss]

Everything you want's a dream away - Coldplay @ Paris Stade De France 15, 16 & 18 July 2017

Hello guys! So here is it, my super long post where I am gonna tell you everything about my trip! I had a little bit bad luck and I had to write 1/3 of this again because my laptop crashed, but I hope I remembered everything!

Saturday 15.7.2017

But I will start. My flight to Paris was early morning on Saturday - the same day than the first concert was. I knew that I was not going to get a good spot so I wasn’t so stressed about it. My hotel was one metro stop (which I usually walked) + one train stop away from the stadium so the location was really good! But of course I took a wrong train when I went to the stadium for the first time.. But it was the only mistake I made (it was my first time in France) so I handled everything surprisingly well alone, I’m proud of myself! Also everyone was very kind and helpful when I asked for a help couple of times, I have nothing bad to say about French people!

I was so nervous when I walked to the stadium, the train trip had made me even more nervous and I felt kind of lonely - I’m not scared to say it. I bought some merch (I LOVE THE CAP) before going to the lane and the lane was suuuuper long.

(FYI: The merch was super expensive, I’m happy that I saved so long for this or I would have cried to not get anything. And the photo is bad again sorry)

I didn’t make any friends on the line but it was ok because there wasn’t much time left before the doors. When I got in, there was thousands people already, so I got a spot like in the middle of crow in Jonny’s side, B-stage was exactly on my right side.

Opening acts wasn’t really my type of music. So I will not talk about them sorry lol. The last minutes were anyway so long!

(For non-coldplayers just a random fact now - Coldplay filmed all of the three concerts for the live dvd and that made concerts a little bit more special.)

And then it started - first the intro and then A Head Full Of Dreams. And I started jumping and singing and everyone was jumping too and it felt perfect from the start to the end. I didn’t really see more than the left screen but I wasn’t super sad about it.  I also loved the fact that Coldplay -concerts are a place where no one cares about your age or gender or anything. I felt the magic of it every concert.

When Yellow started, I started crying. I have never cried to it, but for that moment it felt really special.

Here is a little clip of The Scientist I took, nothing special: 

I don’t really take photos or videos at shows so you will only get couple of shitty ones!

When the boys played at the B-stage, it was so good. I saw them better, I had so much fun, I danced all the time - I was the craziest one who kept jumping and singing when no one else didn’t. They have so many danceable songs!! Everything was new to me, the show felt like it will continue forever and I loved it. I sang so loud to Fix you and the end of it was super good.

Something just like this was the second song which made me cry. I have had a special relationship with it as long as it came out and it was so good on live.

And when the show was over, I already knew this is the best live band in the world. And trust me - I have seen many.

Every night it took long get to the station because the police have blocks for our safety but it was okay. And how magical was that people keep singing Viva while walking and in the train?

When I got to the hotel I was so tired - how am I gonna do this again tomorrow??

Sunday 16.7.2017

Sunday was the day when I had the early entry ticket. It was the only ticket type that was left when I tried to get tickets - then I decided I can do this all alone and I bought the ticket.

I went to the stadium at 11am and I was kind of suprised there was almost 30 people before me! I was nervous, I felt everyone was so much cooler than me haha!

A while later @buckin-love came to say hey - he was the only person I knew who was going to concerts and he helped me so much before and during the trip. Thank you again Vik!

It was hot day again so people bought emergency blankets (only 2,5€ or something lol) to get shadows to the line and people next to me bought one too. Here is what I mean:

Clever right? That was when I started to talk with the girl next to me and then we spent the whole day together with couple with others. It was so nice to meet you Alizée, hope to see you in next tour!

I was SUPER nervous, more nervous than on Saturday. Of course I knew I was gonna get a good spot anyway but it didn’t really help!

We got our early entry gifts and here is shitty pics of it if you haven’t seen the gift yet:

The bag had hard time in my luggage, it looks better for real.. So in a beautiful box was a coloring book and that thing is how you can draw Coldplay’s logo. I think? I haven’t tried it yet. Everything is gorgeous anyway!

So we got in and me and my new friends got really good spot in Jonny’s side. There I met more amazing people!

Then the magical moment happened.

I had seen R42 reading our signs before (there was so many signs every night btw!) but when he came to back later to take the photo I was like this is not really happening. This is a dream. Of course I didn’t know was he gonna put it anywhere but it was cool anyway!

So a while later I had to check Coldplay’s Twitter and yep, there it was with the text “Yes! One big band, one big family! #ColdplayParis R42″ :

https://www.instagram.com/p/BWnbX9sl_zL/

https://twitter.com/coldplay/status/886640825085636612

It was real happiness. I was SO happy. And I still am, of course! I started to cry and everyone around me was happy for me and that made me cry even more. And btw, thinking about this made me cry again. Crying for happiness is good!

The thing is, I wasn’t really sure about the sign. I changed my mind many times will I do it or not. But it felt special for me so I made it. And yeah, it was right thing to do and the message of it is so true too. I know many people don’t go to concerts alone but there is people who do. And there’s nothing wrong about it. People should talk more about it and I really hope I have inspired people to do it! I’m still the awkward-not-the-most-social-and-broken-english -girl from Finland and I made new friends so you can do it too! I have tried to read all of your comments and you are all so sweet, I’m so thankful and I love you all. (And it has 180 000 likes on IG, THIS IS CRAZY!!)

So back to the show. I had really found the right people around me. Almost every of them had seen Coldplay at least 10 times and were crazy like me. So when Coldplay started, we started jumping and singing and dancing. And we barely stopped any time.

Coldplay was so good. SO GOOD. The best show I have ever seen. And when Chris said we are one of the loudest crow ever, when he said he would pay to play for us.. It was special. I keep using that word but there’s no any better way to say it.

As I told you, there were camera men filming the audience too. And one of them was this really sweet gentleman (I think his name is Mike?)  who somehow find a way to my photo of Chris:

He was cute and kept filming us to screens. But we had so much fun so why not! Me and him also shared a lollipop together and it is one of my funniest memories. If the video of it somehow finds a way to public (because he was filming all the time), I’m gonna laugh my ass off! 

But as I said, he kept filming us to screen and here is one great video where I’m on the screen twice during The Scientist:

Here is also one screenshot of it:

Yep, I was happy. On the video is also Chris’ “So far I have to tell you, this is one of the best audiences we ever heard so thank you for being here!”. And Chris’ cheeky smile!

When the boys went to play to the B-stage, Chris stopped in front of us like “who wanna get my pick?” and then looked at my eyes and threw it to me. But I never got it, it dropped to the ground and some crew member gave it for someone else.. But yeah it’s ok.

The concert was so good that I don’t know what to tell you.. Charlie Brown was super good every night and I love when the crowd sing the guitar riff together. And the xylobands!! It was magical.

On the C-stage, they surprised everyone of playing Trouble and it was really good. And Chris’ Paris -song was adorable, I love listening to his French, no matter that I don’t understand anything.

Here is a short clip of my favorite part of Don’t Panic:

I love the new version where Will sings leading vocals and then there’s Jonny’s adorable singing too.

I don’t really have words to explain how good the show was.. I wanna see the live dvd already, I really hope they use something from Sunday! I hope I would live this day again, it was so good, so emotional, I was so happy.. *continue watching live videos from the concert and ugly cry*

So Monday was a day off and I went to do some sightseeing with Vik and his friend. Paris is really beautiful and I have to go back one day. Maybe next CP tour? 

Tuesday 18.7.2017

On Tuesday I had a normal standing ticket again. I went to the stadium at 7am and I was fourth in my gate. 

I was a little bit worried how everything would go because it was going to be really hot day and I didn’t know anyone again etc. But then maybe 30min later one guy who was next to us on Sunday came! I was so happy! Saad you saved my day! So we spent the whole day together.

During the day many sweet people came to say that they saw the photo of me and saw me on the screen and everything, thank you!

So the day was SO hot. 35′C. We got the blanket to have a shadow but it was hot anyway. Here is a random happy pic of me from Tuesday outside of the stadium:

We were stressed about spots again because so many gates would open the same time. But Saad’s friend has saved a spot for him so I went to the second row behind him. Almost the same spot than on Sunday, yay! 

There I meet more people again and I’m so happy that everyone was so nice to me, almost everyone was from different country and everything, but we still are one big family.

Just before the concert began, the same two camera men came in front of us again and the another one said “I remember you!”. I was like huh oh and he said something like “you were here on Sunday too!” and then the camera was on my face again and I melted. Kind of funny that they remembered me when all around me was people who has seen the band so many times and who has also been there all of three concerts.

But yeah, there was SO hot, at least 30´C in the evening too, I’m pretty sure I have never sweated so much in my life! But it didn’t stop us to dancing/jumping/singing.

This concert was the last concert of their European tour and I couldn’t get it off my head. Just when all of this began, it’s over.. Thanks god Chris said that they will be back, but at least two long years, huh!

When Chris and Jonny went to play Paradise remix to the catwalk, it was somehow kind of sexy to watch lol. Jonny is adorable and smiling and enjoy how everyone is watching him and Chris keeps watching Jonny and coming closer and closer of him and hah it was so great! 

Here is a not very good photo of lasers and Chris changing his shirt because why not:

When Chris wanted to play Hypnotised, it was unreal and I was the whole song like is this really happening? And I was like the only one who opened the Hypnotised -app and Will laughed at me lol. 

Here is a short clip of Magic and Buckin because yes.

In the end of the concerts, there were some of the band members’ kids ( I don’t know whose and it’s not really my business to know) playing in front of us and it was so cute!

There was so much going on all the time, four guys (and one of them barely stay still), confettis, fireworks, xylobands, 80 000 people.. I think I need ten more concerts to know every little detail (not matter how many concerts I have watched online before this!). On Tuesday I wasn’t so in shock anymore so I was able to realize more what is happening: Jonny’s sweet smile (you can’t get it too many times) and happiness, Chris’ adorable laugh all the time when he crazy dances and his playful eyes - his magical eyes, Will being serious but then next he is one big soft smiling bear again and Guy who somehow keep us all together and surprise us again and again. What a band.

When they played Up&Up, the final song, it was hard and I cried half of the song.. Is it really over? And when the band hugged one last time..Take me back to the start..

That’s it. That was my amazing, unbelievable trip to Paris. I’m so thankful, speechless, happy.

I wanna say huge thank you to everyone who shared this experience with me, thank you for hanging and talking with me, thanks for all the help. Special thanks to Vik, Alizée and Saad!

Thank YOU so much reading, I hope you liked this! I hope I didn’t make any big mistakes. Please share it for everyone who could enjoy this. Ps. If you wanna follow me on somewhere else, I’m riddikulusfin on Twitter/IG/SC.

♥

[hazydreamerneko]

2017「Shingeki no Kiseki」8/7 Concert in Chiba (PART III)

Original Report (Chinese) found here

Original Text (Chinese) by：初霜翼 Image report by：-流曰-

Translations by: HazyDreamerNeko/LostNeko (Referencing Lyrics Translations by marchen-v-friedhof)

Finally at the last part with Encores! Lots of MC which are my favorite to both read and translate XD

It’s SUPER LONG so I split it to 3 parts, this is part 3 Part 1 Part 2

Any use of the original text please contact the Chinese site/writer to seek permission. Any mistakes with translations please feel free to contact me!

Encore

Commander returned to the stage after we shouted 「Jäger」again.

Commander: Thank you everyone. I underestimated everyone from the Ichihara branch. I didn’t expect you to start shouting 「Jäger」before the 321 countdown.

Commander: There were almost no MC during the main concert, we kept a very fast pace until the end. So we hope to conduct the encore in a relatively more relaxed manner~ (Audiences cheered) Before that, where are the P-seats until?

(P-seaters raised their hands in the audiences)

Commander: There was a questionnaire for P-seaters this time, it was for you to choose a song. The one chosen for Ichihara concert was 《Nikagetsugo no Kimi e (To You in Two Months) 》. This was your unanimous… no, it was not unanimous, it was chosen by majority rules. Only in this concert will it be fully per your wishes. If 《Nikagetsugo》appears too frequently the in the future, we might adjust it. But what is this for?

Commander: We frequently do interesting things for SH. For LH, this time I want to concentrate on doing music… not that I don’t concentrate on doing music for SH! No! Just that SH still need other things like acting skills and such! So this time I want to try something refreshing for LH.

Commander: There are various types of sounds in the songs. This time, even though I want to make it as simple and easy to understand as possible, there will always be a limit to that, I can’t concede further after lowering to a certain extend. Personally, I, too, hope you can hear the love I pour into making it yourself. Should I say it’s S-ish (TN:…sadistic), I also don’t want to underestimate you all too much. Perhaps that’s why the CD doesn’t sell much. A lot of adjustments are made now, for all the sound to be tweaked just right, hoping all the various sounds can be conveyed. But everyone has their preferences, some prefer it to be more like rock music, some prefer the sound of strings, so you may feel that there are some sounds you really want to listen to closely, but you just can’t hear it well. So this time we prepared this segment, remixing the songs chosen by the votes live. You make take this chance to clearly listen to parts of the songs that sounds unclear originally.

Commander: But one song is very long, so likely only half will be played. We will try it today, if everyone here reacts positively, then we will continue this segment. If all of you find it rather uninteresting, then this segment might be gone by the time we are in Tokyo. To prevent that from happening, I will do my best as well.

Commander: Then I will choose someone….. there in the second row! You with the glasses! In 《To You in Two Months》Which instrument do you most want to hear?

(The chosen one was completely caught off guard, and was stuck for a long time)

Commander: Yes, P-seats are the seats that you pay to be force into uncomfortable situations!

(The audiences shouted \Do your best--!/ together. The chosen one hesitated for a long time, then said 「Drums」)

Commander: Alright, Drums. The staff are making the preparations now. There’s no way to prepare for this beforehand, only after hearing your answers do the staff members hurriedly arrange the preparations.

- DJ Revo -

Very soon, the staff pushed a Mixer onto the stage. The front of the Mixer has the LH logo printed on it.

Audiences \Oh oh---?/

Commander: An instrument of civilization!

Then, the staff set up the mic stand beside the Mixer (He can’t hold the mic because his hands will be on the mixer) Commander went behind the mixer.

None of the audiences could suppress their laughter… Someone said \Looks a lot like a school principle--/

(The mixer looked like a podium, once he stood behind it he almost looked like he was about to give a speech)

Commander: Hm? …… This isn’t new, right?

(The image of Revo-Sensei behind the podium had already appeared on the 2013 Gomen-T)

Commander: I look like a DJ right

(Then he started to sway as if to the rhythm of music)

Commander: The sound of drums is coming in–– It’s coming in –– So let’s give it a check ––

(The prelude to Nikagetsugo begins)

Commander: Yes good the sound is there. Next, let’s raise the sound of the drums a bit ––

Then he started playing around with it. Bringing this sound up~ bring that sound down~ Making the drums louder~ softer~ removing all the accompaniment, leaving only his own voice reverberating~ Making his voice louder, softer, louder softer loudersofterloudersofterloudersofter …… He was too High from the fun he was having and halfway through the equipment suddenly ceased functioning. It paused for a while.  Thereafter he only left the drums and the voice playing, and even then, he still cut the voice right when it was about to get lit.  

Commander: This is how I can normally play around with it. All sorts of different versions could be created in this way. But it’s usually not ideal to overemphasise a particular instrument like this, as I still hope to present the various sounds together. With this segment, lots of different versions will be born from this tour (It will be remixed in a new way as specified in every concert.)

Commander: Next up will be the encore everyone is waiting for. But actually, LH don’t really have that many songs…… How many years has it been? 5 years? I can’t even really remember. Simultaneously doing SH and LH and SH and LH and also going on the radio occasionally… There really isn’t many CDs despite it being five years. Perhaps it will be more substantial by its 10th year anniversary? But this is the only aspect I can’t improve on my own. Please offer me jobs –– (Slight bow)

Commander: Aside from LH, there were lots of songs written for the SH side. Even though this time, the LH tour is to lower the entry barrier, welcoming those who didn’t know us at all, there will still be some who came here from the SH side. For those familiar with SH, if you hear songs from SH, you may feel “Ah! I can’t believe I heard songs from SH today, I’m super lucky”. For those unfamiliar, after you listen to the songs, I hope you will feel that “Eh, the other songs from the Sunglasses-ojisan are also not bad”. So there will also be a few songs from SH this time.

Commander: After all, aside from the songs included in CDs, there are also some songs from SH that are currently not for sale.

(……Wait? Wait a second?? Encore will include songs from SH that are not being sold??? What is it it couldn’t be new songs??? That’s impossible, this is still the opening show there couldn’t be new CD in the next half a year? So what is it, the Live-only songs? If it’s a Live-only song won’t that be the song by a certain golden haired falsely similar person first revealed at this exact venue six years ago……) (TN:… took me a few seconds to realise the dubious falsely similar person they refer to is probably… Idofried… no wonder the author’s reservations…. X”D)

Commander: Anyways, let’s allow the band members to come up first.

The band members came up one after another, and the fangirls below were shouting: JUNJI––! YUKI––! Acchan––!! While waving their hands. Members on stage also waved a little.

Commander (stood aside and watched for a while): There will be member intro segment later~

Only then did the audiences calm down.

Commander: 「It will be interesting to let this person sing this song」 It’s with this thought that I wanted to have this person sing the next song –– As for which song is it, let’s leave it as a pleasure of discovery once the song begins.

(……It’s apparent that it won’t be a Revocal song. So they are letting one of the singers from this concert cover an SH song, who will it be ––)

Encore 1: Kimi ga Umarete kuru Sekai (The World You will be Born Into)

The sound of water could be heard the moment the prelude started, and the bubbles effect that were used during the 10th Anniversary concert (Can be seen in The Assorted Horizon) appeared on screen.

( ––AaaaaaaaAAAAHHHHH?!)

The singer who came on stage was Eiko Matsumoto. The one who sang 《14 Lettered Message》as Eren’s mother.

(It is??! Actually this person singing this song?!?! Wait that’s too unexpected?!? Reasonable?!?!)

Everyone screamed. (Then quickly quietened down)

All the narrations were done by Eiko Matsumoto herself, none of it was cut. Her singing was very steady. The narrations were also not bad. The actions were the same as the ones for the 10th anniversary included in TAH. It was very good.

After she finished the song, Commander came up again.

Commander: 《Kimi ga Umarete kuru Sekai》, the CD that included this song is no longer being sold.   (––Wait weren’t you just advertising to people! You were getting them interested, but then the first song that comes up is one they can no longer purchase!)

Audiences immediately: \Rerelease please!!!!!/

Commander (Completely ignoring audience’s request for rerelease): Live is a singularly unique encounter between us, please remember that when you leave. Perhaps you can only listen to this song this one time, and you will never hear it again in the future.

\Ehh––/

Commander: Ah, but since there’s already been effort put into rehearsing it, it will probably be performed again in the future.

Commander: The song just now was sang by Ms Matsumoto, it’s definitely suitable! Although the world view is different and the original song was not entirely from the perspective of a mother, this song is still very sad, and contains the emotion of a woman to her child. There are a lot of commonalities in terms of atmosphere.

Commander: There are still two more songs after this. We can’t keep singing SH songs since it’s a LH tour right. Although LH doesn’t have a lot songs, aside from Shingeki songs, there’s were also songs written for a game called Bravely Default, although we didn’t organize a tour for it then. It’s the first game in the Bravely series, and actually, the second game doesn’t include Sunglasses-ojisan anymore. But there shouldn’t be anyone who will start playing from the second game in a series right! Start playing from the first game!

Commander: For next song, I also felt that「It will be interesting to let this person sing this song」. It’s like a cover of the song.

Encore 2: Hinadori [Vocalized Version] (Fledgling)

As if psychic, I anticipated the song and singer before the song started! (V)

Sung by Misaki Fukunaga. (《Cold Coffin》，Annie)

She sang Edea’s song from BDFF. Regardless if it’s quality or texture of her voice, or the content of the lyrics, It’s! All! Very! Fitting!

There’s 「Black or White?」in the lyrics. Will it actually be 「Black」or「White」? It’s a song that’s very fitting for Annie’s POV. The actions are also the same as in RLBDC. Even the actions for the singer when bandmembers where showing off their skills were the same. The only difference was the set of actions towards the end, Fukunaga performed Annie’s fighting actions. It was super cool and super impressive.

After it’s over Commander came up. On his way up he was carrying the concert pamphlet against his chest, and he walked backwards onto the stage like that. \?????? wwwwww/ What is this inexplicably adorable creature.

Commander: The song that was just performed was from BDFF. It’s game music. It’s collected in an Elbum (Mispronounced)… No! AL! BUM! called 《Luxendarc Daikikou》.

Commander: It actually started with the original game music, then on the basis of the game sound track, we added Vocalization.

Commander: It was sang very well. This song is very high, not everyone can sing it. You can try to sing it, not everyone can sing such a high note on demand. Oh but actually, you have all sang it before? Like when you all were just born? The kind like “UAHUAHHH––”.

Commander: Let’s do the member intro next. You can now fully appreciate Aniki and all. Initially the member intro were always very with one sentence per person, but let’s ease it up this time. Let’s do it in the form of a Talk.

Commander: What am I holding in my hands~ It’s (Holding the pamphlet in one hand for the audience to see, with his eyes on the cover, and in the tone of Doraemon introducing his gadgets): 「Linked Horizon Live Tour 2017 Shingeki no Kiseki pamphlet——」

Commander: And! It’s actually being sold outside now! Some of you may not know, it is being sold!

Commander: In it, one of the questions in the members interview was who was their favourite Shingekyo character. Let’s invite the members to have a more detailed conversation around this topic now. But there’s quite a few of them who wrote 【Secret】, I would like to dig a bit more today.

- Member Intro -

There’s too much going on, so I will only share a bit of the important (funny) parts that still left an impression on me.

Commander: Let’s start from the singers. The first one, MANAMI

MANAMI came out flapping her wings… no, flapping her arm with tassels on the sleeves. Seeing this, commander started humming 《Swan Lake》: 「dun~ dundundundundun~ dundun~ dundun~ dundundundundundun~」 Upon hearing it MANAMI also switched to ballet steps as she came up. As MANAMI flaps her wings… arms, commander also started flapping his wings… no, arms with tassels on the sleeves.

Commander: We are the same~  So happy that we are so like-minded~ (Two of them flap flap flapping together)

What is this adorable bird creature x2

Commander: MANAMI said her favourite character is Sasha. MANAMI: I really relate to how she can eat a lot. I participated in some sort of eating competition in the past, finishing 30 plates of sushi and 30 stick of skewered food to win 10 000 yen. And after I was done I felt like I still had the stomach for more. Commander: I think you can totally pursue this field. MANAMI: I used to play basketball, I could eat a lot more then than I do now! So when I see Sasha it’s like seeing a reflection of myself.

Commander: The second one is Tsukika. Commander: How many plates of sushi can Tsukika eat? Tsukika: ……30 plates are way too many. Commander: Tsukikia’s favorite character is Nanaba. Oh Nanaba. Her younger brother will be called 「Hachiba」.

\......Pffffttt (snickering)/

(…… The “nana” in Nanaba is homonymous with 7.. so “7ba”’s brother is “8ba”… such a cold joke. So cold!)

Commander (Seemingly well prepared to anticipate that nobody would find it funny, he started making the scissors hands gesture): Okay cut! Commander: Oh this (Snip snip) means that this part should be cut from the DVD.

\There’s DVD––?/

Commander: But actually for today’s show, there might not be anyone recording it at all.

(We all believed him, because it’s the opening day, and there had never been videos generated from opening days in the past, so it’s very likely not recorded. In thE END! LIAR! Can’t believe there is the opening show digest video after that! WHO SAID THERE WEREN’T ANYONE RECORDING!)

Tsukika: From a female’s perspective, Nanaba is very handsome. Even though I can’t tell if they are male or female. They are just very handsome! Commander: That’s true, there’s a lot of character in Shingeki whose genders are ambiguous. Isayama-sensei mentioned before that it’s okay to perceive them as either male or female. Tsukikia: I think that Hanji is a guy. Commander: The important thing is the character’s spirit and their way of living. Gender doesn’t matter. Hanji is just Hanji!

Commander: Next is Mami Yanagi. Mami Yanagi: Hi everyone, it’s been a while. Commander: Mami Yanagi’s favorite is Mikasa. She also repeatedly emphasized her liking during the last tour (Referring to Jiyuu e no Shingeki Talk & Live in 2013). Mami Yanagi: I still love her now! (Completely in a fangirl state) Mami Yanagi: The last episode in the second season was so cruel to Mikasa. I want be wrapped by the scarf–– no, I wanted to wrap the scarf around her!! Commander (Imitating Eren): 「 I’ll wrap that around you as many times as you want」

 Then it’s Eiko Matsumoto.

Commander: Her favourite is Carla. Matsumoto: Yes, I can’t help being drawn into the character. Because I also have a 10-year-old son. Commander: Yes, that’s the standard I used to choose singers. Matsumoto (Shocked): You must be lying?! Commander: I’m lying–– Matsumoto: Revo-san didn’t research me right?! Commander: No no. I chose based on sensing how this person’s voice will really suit this song. Matsumoto (Still recovering from the shock): I thought you found out from my Wiki page. Matsumoto: When Carla said 「Don’t go」, that was her most sincere feelings. Matsumoto: The lyrics for 《14 lettered》will make people wonder 「Perhaps Revo-san has children?」

\?!?! (Commotion)/

Commander: Mentioned before that perhaps I was a mother in my past life~ Gave birth to around a hundred children.

He was so careless about it wwwwwwwww

Thereafter it’s Misaki Fukunaga.

Commander: Favourite is Sasha. Ah it’s the second time someone picked Sasha. She is so popular. Fukunaga: When Sasha first appeared, she always spoke very politely. Initially I thought that was her character, I didn’t expect to see her pounced onto the food once it appears. Commander: In the second season there were interesting aspects focused on Sasha. The scene of the mother being munched by the Titan. The part where she just returned home to discover the mother being munched munched munched. （もっちゃもっちゃされた） Fukunaga: I really like Annie as well. But if I have to pick a favourite, it is still Sasha.

Then it’s all the dancers.

Commander: Next is Ayu Hosoki. For Nein, she was the one displaying the bread in the bread shop (Striking the pose of holding the bread) Commander: Favourite is Mikasa Hosoki: Mm, I like the sound of her name.

Commander: Next is Yosuke Sato. Very handsome. For Nein, he was the 「Single nighhawk~」(A solo dance in《Shokumotsu》) Commander: His answer was 「Will answer after rereading」。Which part are you at now？ Sato: I’m now on the second book now. At this stage, the one I am most attached to should be Mikasa. She is very strong, pretty, but also pitiful. I want to protect her well.

Commander: Next is OBA. The Abnormal among the dancers. (He acted as the Abnormal in《Daishou》) Commander: For Nein, he was 「the one in the food chain that writhed and collapsed in some very powerful posture after being shot, and then even became a worm.」 Commander: The answer written was 「Can’t be sure」. What about now? OBA: I guess Abnormal. As a dancer there are a lot of aspects that is worth learning. Every movement is very worth leaning Commander: For ordinary people like us, the most we can do is imitate human movements. But for OBA-kun’s level, he can already gain experience from animals or even insects.

Commander: The next one is Akane Takasugi. In Nein, he is the one at 「The flower bloomed, and was scattered」(The part around 4:19 in《Kotonoha》). The dance was very sexy at that part. Commander: Answer was 「Secret」。 Takasugi: Can I keep it a secret? Commander: No. Takasugi: Then it’s…… Heichou. Commander: What do you like about Heichou? Takasugi: His cold gaze! Commander (Imitating Heichou’s way of speaking, keeping his voice low, biting his pronunciations):「You bastard（このクソが）…！」「What is this situation（これどういう狀況だ）」

\(Bursting with laughter)/

Commander: Aah it’s so fun to act as Heichou.

-

I forgot which dancer was it at.

Commander: The dancers are so strong. If it’s me, just one song like《Nikagetsugo》will be enough for my legs to start cramping.

-

Then it’s the musicians.

The first was YUKI.

Commander: Favourite is Hanji. YUKI: It was completely coincidental at first, I can’t help paying attention because our hairstyles are similar. Then when I saw her drooling when she sees the Titans, I really relate to that. I really like things like temples and castles and such, and when I see them, I will be holding Chu-hi (A fizzy fruit alcohol under Kirin) in one hand while drooling. Commander (Imitating Hanji’s overexcited tone at seeing a Titan): 「WoOO~~~~~~WOAHH~~~~~THIS SHRINE IS TOO AMAZING~~~~~~~」Like this? YUKI: Yes yes.

Commander: After Hanji it’s Junji! Commander: He said he likes all the Titans. Junji: Yes, I like every one of them. Commander: Every one? There’s always that one special Titan right. Junji: It’s impossible to neglect the Abnormals, I want to follow them. But actually, compared to the gigantic Titans, the 2,3 meter ones feel the scariest. They are closer to humans. Commander: Is it because when you see the ones around 3 meters, you feel like you can defeat them if you just try a little harder. Junji: It’s impossible! Junji: All the Titans have that smile on their faces, it feels really creepy. Commander: But you like it. Junji: I like it.

Next is Atsushi Hasegawa.

Commander: Acchan’s favourite is Reiner. Acchan: Yes, he seems very brave. He feels sort of like an older brother. His personality is also very earnest, he only became like that (mental breakdown) because he is overtly sincere. Commander: That’s because Acchan is also a very earnest person. Acchan: I’m not that earnest?! Acchan: And the Armoured Titan is very cool. Like a robot. Commander: Yes, the Armoured Titan was exceptionally cool when it first appeared. It was like Woosh (Poses like when the Armoured Titan was going to start dashing)

Next is Gen Ittetsu.

Commander: Gen Ittetsu said his favourite is Mitsuru Hanagata (Not a character from Shingekyo, but one from 《Kyojin no Hoshi (Star of the Giants)》)

Then the two began a heated discussion revolving around Star of the Giants. I have never watched so I can’t keep up with their conversation, I had no idea what they were talking about. The two were engrossed in their own world for quite a while before returning.

Gen Ittetsu: I happened to be very busy during the tour pamphlet interview period. So, I just answered randomly. So that’s what I said.

Next its members from Gen Ittetsu Strings.

Commander: Aside from Gen Ittetsu, I still want to ask the members of the Strings. But there are a lot of people in the Strings, so I’ll ask one person for each concert. This time it will be –– Cameroon Maki. Commander: Maki’s answer was not published in the pamphlet. So we can only listen to it live! Maki: I have only watched 3 episodes of Shingeki so far. For now, rather than favourite, the character I am most attached to is Keith. I am attached to his role as a teacher. Commander: Such a shiny bald head. Maki: A very strict instructor, his words are very stern and severe. This makes him very endearing, I do have such a strict person around me.

As he said this he looked at Gen Ittetsu beside him. Gen Ittetsu looked around as though unaffected and he wasn’t talking about him.

\wwwwwww/

Commander: Keep watching! Instructor Keith still has an important role later!

Next is Takeshi Nishiyama

Commander: He likes Ymir. Aniki: The timeline for the original Shingekyo manga is quite confusing. I went and reread it for Shingeki no Kiseki, and I had a lot of new emotions when rereading it with the impression I got from the CD. Recently I feel like I’m getting old and my memories are deteriorating, I only realized Ymir’s story was already at the start of the fifth book when I went to reread it. Aniki: Being able to write such a song from such a short story, Revo-san is really amazing this way. Commander: There were a lot of characters in the original manga, among them some died soon after they debuted. Commander: Only Isayama-sensei knows the exact follow up for a lot of characters. There are a lot to look forward to. Commander: There are also some members who just started reading it. Perhaps by the end of the tour, everyone will become professors of Shingekyo.

The last one is Koji Ikarashi

Commander: Rashi’s favorite is Armin. Commander: This time, I will pick a musician for every concert to dedicate a performance to their favourite character. It will be Rashi today. Rashi: For Armin. Commander: Sometimes it will become Gesumin (Gesu = lowlife/scumbag, this nickname originated from some of Armin’s expressions which Isayama drawn really twisted and ugly)

Then, Ikarashi played Chopin’s Fantaisie Impromptu.

Yes, the Fantaisie Impromptu everyone is familiar with.

The Fantaisie Impromptu from 《Yoiyami no Uta》!!

After he was done with one part..

Commander: This melody is truly very difficult. But if you can’t play this, you won’t be able to play the song 《Yoiyami no Uta》. Ikarashi: That’s true, and it needs to be played at 1.5 times the speed I played just now.

Then, using the crazier speed from 《Yoiyami no Uta》

He really played the part from 《Yoiyami》

He really played it!!!!

A certain Märchen fan seemed to have heard the sound of blessings!

-

Commander: The next song will really be the last song.

\Eh –– /

Commander: But you all should have anticipated it.

Commander: It can’t be helped. Time will always pass, people will ultimately die. But that is also the value of life. People don’t know when they will die, which is why they need to live on now undauntedly.

Commander: The last encore song is 《Youth Much like Fireworks》。

Commander: It’s also a song I wrote very, very seriously, but because it’s original purpose was paro, I very seriously, with my best efforts, joked around. It’s very cheerful and energetic（ワイワイ盛り上がる）. This song will include some actions (Singers demonstrated the actions), and then you need to jump. It’s okay if you can’t keep up, you can try to follow if you want to do it.

Commander: Bravo together with the Bravo-ojisan in the end! Give it all you’ve got!

Encore 3: Seishun wa Hanabi no Youni (Youth Much like Fireworks)

Su←per↓Cute↑

It might be a substitute for the 3 songs in the「Chou Uchu」series from SH, a song for jumping around.

Follow the jumping on stage. It’s indeed difficult to keep up without instructions (……

The lyrics appeared line by line on the screen, in the same style as in the BK. But it doesn’t match the speed of the music, it just appears line by line at an even pace.

- MC -

Commander: This is the end now. Everyone come and stand in front.

All the performers stood in a row.

Commander: It’s surprising when we stand in a row, there are so many people. There will be concerts with more people in the future, the special guests are not here yet either, wonder if we can still all fit in one row then.

Commander: Hope there will be more people joining us soon, and that we can perform for many others.

Commander: Thank you everyone for today ––

(All performers on stage bowed together to bring the show to an end)

Commander: Let’s offer up our hearts in the end. We took the liberty to create this Linhora Corps setting, and we will take another liberty here, when you salute, shout「Jäger」.

Commander: Offer up your hearts!

\(Everyone salutes) Jäger!/

After expressing their thanks and clapping, all the performers left. In the end, Commander came up alone to do the final MC as usual.

Commander: You have offered up your hearts.

Commander: What should you offer your heart to? There are a lot of things you can dedicate to in life. There are a lot of times you need to fight. Even if the opponents are not titans, you will still need to fight. Fighting with sad things, fighting with painful things. But you can definitely overcome them. And life will go on. Music have this power. Even though there are sad songs as well, I hope I can support all of you with music. When you want to improve your mood, listen to music, and you will feel better, I hope my music can achieve this.

Commander: There were quite a few members who had never performed before today, everyone were actually really nervous. But you were all very encouraging, there were no sense of remoteness at all. Thank you very much, for watching over us with such warmth.

As he said this, Commander did a 90-degrees deep bow.

Audiences clapped.                          

Commander: Everyone here, perhaps I will have the chance see some of you again, if you come for concerts again. The encore will be different every time, so please look forward to the future concerts.

Commander: During the last concert, it ended after 《Guren no Yumiya》was played. It will be the same this time, you can sing a bit of Karaoke before you leave. It is the second season this time, so of course it’s《Shinzou wo Sasageyo》

Commander: Of course, it’s without lyrics!

(For a moment I seemed to look through Commander and saw him being possessed by a certain tyrannical King)

Commander: But it’s okay if you make a mistake while singing it!

Then the commander left. When he was leaving he ran off like an Abnormal with a twist in his steps.

What is this adorable creature!

[buckin-love]

Review of the 3 Paris shows

Hello, it’s been a while since I’ve written something on my blog and just been on tumblr. Last time that I was really there, I wrote the review of my journey of 10 Coldplay shows in Europe. It’s been over a year and now, I feel like writing something again, about these last 3 Coldplay shows in Europe because those were incredible, full of happiness and tears, and because I just wanted to share my experience with any of you who would be interested to read it.

Night #1

So let’s start with night #1, it was a really special night for me because of two things: It was the first concert since my journey of 10 Coldplay shows last year and the first concert where I brought my best friends. They didn’t see Coldplay before, I was excited to share this night with them and just to see them react and discover a Coldplay concert in this era.

We arrived at the Stade de France at 9:30am, gate H and there was already a lot of people waiting, maybe 40 people. The wait was very long, as you can imagine, even with my experience of concerts, I will never get used to that, you always have to be ready, physically and mentally prepared for the day. Fortunately, the bar next to us, was playing a playlist full of Coldplay songs, from Viva to AHFOD so it was good to get us excited for the night.

At 5:15pm, they opened the gates, I grabbed my 2 xylobands and my love button but I had to wait for my best friends. The line for the girls was very long, I was waiting for like 2-3 minutes (which are very long minutes in these moments), my best friends finally went through the checking and we tried to run fast. There was a steward who kept yelling “Don’t run! It’s pointless, everybody has already taken your spot inside!” I was torn between frustration and just laughter (also wanted to punch him). Inside, there was indeed already a lot of people at the barriers, we chose the main stage, Guy’s side, we had a good view even if there was a lot of people in front of us.

At 7:15pm, Lyves came on stage. I listened to her a bit before and thought she was good, especially her song ‘Visions’. Unfortunately, the sound wasn’t really high, and the overall performance was perhaps too calm to get the audience excited. Tove Lo came on stage at 8pm, I listened to her too before, not my cup of tea at all, although I kinda like ‘True Disaster’. Overall it was good, I mean for her genre, sometimes it felt a bit indecent but anyway, at least the performance woke the audience up.

On social media, they said that Coldplay would come on stage at 9:15pm. Not surprising to say that they were late, they came at 9:25pm! The intro video changed a bit, I was wondering how they would change it after last year since they played so many dates now, and the result is really good now. All the intro videos of all the cities have been accelerated, shown in a circle with a countdown in the middle, starting at 45 sec. They showed the videos from Dublin and Cardiff and when the countdown finished, the video from our city appeared. I was shocked to see that the girl in the video is someone I knew. She was actually the girl who helped me in London to meet the band! So I will be forever grateful to her. The guy next to her is a guy that I will meet after for the Night #2 but let’s keep on with Night #1 for now.

The concert started and I felt like I never really left them. It’s been more than a year but the feeling, the emotions were still here, as if my journey was just yesterday. I knew exactly all the little things, didn’t forget a single thing. I rarely cry on ‘The Scientist’ (don’t ask me why) but this one was very emotional and I couldn’t hold back my tears. The same goes with ‘Fix You’, I mean the new version of ‘Fix You’. Since I don’t like this mix with ‘Midnight’, I rarely cry on ‘Fix You’ this tour. Why here, why now, that’s one mystery. And it doesn’t stop here, I usually cry on ‘Up&Up’, and this time I didn’t. Maybe because my best friends knew me and expected me to cry so I was like “NOT THIS TIME GIRLS, LOOK AT MY EYES, LOOK AT MY EYES, I HAVE NOTHING IN MY EYES!!”.

This night was probably one of the best of the tour, one of my favourites for sure because of my best friends, the great view, I just missed them so much and at the same time, felt like they never left me (doesn’t make any sense whatsover). Chris messed up as usual, making the ‘Everglow’ performance like a funny one, and I really thought he did it again on ‘Charlie Brown’. I haven’t seen any videos of it this year so I didn’t know that he would stop it on purpose. The whole idea of not having any phones and just enjoying the moment is perfect. I wish they could do that for the whole concert (ESPECIALLY ON NIGHT #3 BUT YOU WILL SEE LATER). That performance of ‘Charlie Brown’ was probably the most fun I’ve ever experienced. Funny how just a little thing like putting our phones down makes the performance memorable. One big family gathered and jumping to the stars together, that was a big thing. Speaking of phones, I decided for these 3 shows to take no photos / videos and just enjoy the concerts fully, and that was a great decision.

The big announcement of the new DVD filmed in Paris made me so excited but I was also so surprised. I really thought that they would film at Wembley or any of the South American tour and not here, because they already did in 2012. A part of me is grateful for them to choose one of my concerts in Paris again, and another part thinks it’s unfair for the others. Back to the concert, first time on this tour that I get to hear ‘God Put A Smile Upon Your Face’ live and that new version was so good! Love the interaction with the audience at the end, seemed like everybody had fun on this one.

It was also the first time I get to hear the new version of ‘Don’t Panic’. I didn’t see any videos of the duet Will - Jonny before so it was a total surprise for me. And what a great surprise, it works perfectly well, Will’s sweet voice combined with Jonny’s even more confident voice is one of the biggest highlights of the night. Unfortunately, the audience request thing became irrelevant, it seems that even the band doesn’t believe in this anymore and doesn’t want to take risks by just playing the same songs again and again. Even for us, it became a joke, people request ‘Us Against the World’ because they know there’s a high chance they would play it.

I’m still not over the fact that they removed ‘Amazing Day’ from the setlist, they replaced it by ‘Something Just Like This’. Not the biggest fan of putting it before ‘A Sky Full of Stars’, seems like they decided to make a mix of everything and put it on stage for this one, like the fireworks, the fire, the confetti, the xylobands all together. But I had a good time on this one, first time I see this song live and I must admit that it looks good overall.

I would always remember that moment on ‘Up&Up’ where I just felt like hugging my best friends for the whole ending. I didn’t want them to leave me, they were in my arms and it was just an amazing feeling. Friendship and love.

So overall I had a wonderful evening, although I’m still not a fan of some things on the setlist. I completely forget those things and forgive them when they put such uplifting perfomances as ‘A Head Full of Dreams’, ‘Charlie Brown’, ‘Hymn For the Weekend’, ‘Adventure Of a Lifetime’ or ‘A Sky Full of Stars’ and such emotional perfomances as ‘The Scientist’, ‘Fix You’, ‘Everglow’ or ‘Up&Up’.

Night #2

My best friends left me because they had to work so here I was, alone for Night #2. Well, not really, I knew 2 people from tumblr, Anniina and Andreea, both with early entries. My gate was gate A, I arrived by noon and there was like 50 people there. It was a really sunny day but I was lucky because the gate A was the only gate protected by trees and shadows! The wait was shorter than the others and they opened the gates on time.

I grabbed my xyloband (only 1 this time), my love button, ran as fast I could, chose Jonny’s side and then I saw Anniina. She was at the barrier, very close to the main stage. She helped me getting through the crowd and getting a better view so I will always be grateful to her. While waiting for the opening acts, I met the guy from the intro video (some crazy guy who bought 3 early entries) and a woman, crazier than me, she did 16 Coldplay shows! We talked a lot about our Coldplay experiences, about our meetings with them because she also met them and all that in english, which is funny considering that we are both french. There was a lot of foreigners around us, which was great, and a lot of hardcore fans, which was even greater. It really felt like one big family and I already knew that this part of the crowd, at least, would be amazing.

Nothing really to add about the opening acts, unless that Tove Lo showed her breasts during one song (not gonna to say anything about that). 9:15pm and Coldplay came on time, they took me by surprise, I expected them to be late again!

The nice and unexpected surprise came from R42. We saw him before the concert, he stopped in front of us, saw the beautiful sign of Anniina and just decided to take her in picture here. I was right next to her so here I am with the group on all social media and I was seriously freaking out to see my face, it all happened so quickly, I was in shock and I think Anniina was even more!

I expected a few changes on the setlist, but they didn’t really change anything. Except some new improvised song in French by Chris, and ‘Trouble’. I had one great and close view of Chris when he was on the floor singing ‘Fix You’ so I had so much feelings about this. I didn’t even cry this night, maybe because I was just too happy to be surrounded by such crazy and happy fans so I was so happy with them.

They filmed our group of people a lot. During ‘The Scientist’, ‘Paradise’, ‘Viva La Vida’... I think the cameraman liked our group. The craziest thing was on ‘Up&Up’ when the cameraman just asked us to be even closer to each other and just sing to the camera. So just like this, a big group full of passionate people, hugging, jumping and singing together on ‘Up&Up’, pretty perfect picture right? If they put those moments on the DVD, my life would be complete.

We had one scary moment though, Chris stopped ‘A Sky Full of Stars’ nearly at the end of the song because he saw something in the crowd. We all stopped, we saw a stretcher and Chris just went on the B-stage, asking if everything was ok, seemed like a person fainted. More fear than harm though, they restarted the song so we basically had ‘A Sky Full of Stars’ twice, it was hard to keep the same level of energy but it was so amazing.

Overall it was as good as the first night, so it was also one of the best of this tour, thanks to the crowd around me, thanks to Anniina who gave me a great spot and the chance of being on the photo of R42 and to the band who gave its best as usual.

Night #3

I had one day off before that night so I had time to restore my energy and just rest (well not really because I became the personal guide of Anniina to visit Paris :3). This time, I had gate D, the steward was nice (first time a steward is nice so that’s something to say), I arrived at 9:30am and there was 10 people before me. I was aiming for the barrier of the B-Stage, I was waiting for Andreea to arrive at 2pm but didn’t know if I could keep a spot on the line for her. It was already very sunny and hot (35°) and fortunately, the people around me had the good idea to buy survival blankets to protect all the line from the sun. So we had little shelters, I even had time to sleep a little.

Andreea arrived at 2pm as I said, and she could go with me because the steward was kind. I was already feeling exhausted by the day because of the heat but this was the last night so I wanted to give my full energy even though it was hard. The gates opened on time, I grabbed my xyloband and... not my love button because they didn’t give any to anyone? I don’t know what happened, but then I was waiting for Andreea for like a minute and we tried to reach the barrier of the B-Stage.

We weren’t at the barrier but on the second row, which is good but a big guy was right in front of us (petition for not putting tall people at the barriers) and the lights of the B-Stage hide us the view of the main stage. But it was good, because we would have a pretty great view of their set on the B-Stage and we would have a chance to see them even closer when they would go to the C-Stage.

It was so hot inside, there was already a lot of people fainting or just feeling sick because of the heat. I couldn’t even stand too long because of that, it was just unbearable, probably one of the hardest waits on concerts in my life. You have to be really patient in those moments. The opening acts came and I was already tired to wait for 2 more hours. The band came almost on time and suddenly I realized that it was the very last time I see them this tour and had to enjoy each second of this concert (well i knew that before but it suddenly became real you know?).

A funny story is that an elephant guy and his wife came right next to us before the concert. The cameraman wanted to film them for the screens but I guess also for the DVD. So basically I danced and sang the whole night with an elephant next to me. That’s not something common to say. There was also a lot of latinas around me, that part of the crowd was good but the other... That was the negative point of the night.

Seriously I don’t understand them. How can you enjoy a concert when all you’re doing is just taking videos? Not even singing or dancing or jumping, just staying still? How can you? I was mad at them, angry because it could have been a perfect night without them, and they were at the barriers! I tried to stay calm but it was difficult, they were all like that even during the beginning of ‘Charlie Brown’, fortunately there was this thing where Chris stopped the song and asked everybody to put their phones down, at least they did that.

But the biggest highlight of this concert was the moment when they came down and went to the C-Stage. During ‘Adventure of a Lifetime’, the stewards prepared the line, and the big space to the C-Stage. Me and Andreea were already prepared, we were just in front of the stewards. When ‘Amazing Grace’ was played, Jonny came first, we touched his shoulder and Andreea was already fainting. Then Will, Guy and Chris but they were rushing. When they came back on the main stage before ‘Hypnotised’, we tried again. Will and Guy were still rushing, Jonny... DID AN HANDSHAKE TO US! Yes he did! And to both of us, like a real gentleman, suddenly we were both the craziest fans of the crowd and everybody looked at us awkwardly. Jonny already did an handshake to me last year so that’s awesome that he did it again, the sweetest member like Chris said.

I had one goal on this concert too, to make a special phone call to my friend Nikol, she’s a big fan of Jonny so I wanted to make her a gift and call her during ‘Don’t Panic’, all worked perfectly well and then... CHRIS PLAYED ‘HYPNOTISED’, I  was like “I HAVE TO CALL HER AGAIN”. So basically I was the only one with my phone up with the call, I saw nobody turning the app on, just listening and enjoying this acoustic version.

And that was it. The concert was amazing as usual, I cried like never before on ‘Fix You’, it was simply magnificent, the lights just in front of me, the crowd singing and the fireworks, I couldn’t hold back my tears, I was saying goodbye to my favourite song. Same for ‘Up&Up’, it was hard to see all these fireworks and xylobands and say goodbye to my favourite band for at least 2 years. A last feeling with tears all over my face, my hands to the sky, trying to reach the fireworks, a last feeling to remember for years.

Overall, I truly enjoyed these 13 concerts this tour, it wasn’t always perfect, like Chris said: “going through weather issues, ticket prices, traffic, security and all that stuff” but at the end of the day, it was just us and Coldplay and you forget everything that went wrong. One big family gathered, it was one hell of a journey, I’m happy I was able to do that, I don’t know if I will able to do that again. I met a lot of great people, I saw a lot of beautiful cities, could touch at least one of them (Jonny, you’re the best), Chris noticed me and my sign, I met Pilar Zeta, I cried maybe more than 20 times, I had so much fun on these crazy night, just enjoyed the moment every time. Those were the best times of my life, thank you Coldplay, thank you for everything.

And thank you to everybody who read my review of last year, watched my video and read this one too, it was indeed an adventure of a lifetime.

[ygunitedfamily]

YG Family caught two birds with one stone, making donations and presenting concert.

On May 14, “2017 YG X UNICEF Walking Festival” was jointly hosted by YG Entertainment and UNICEF at Peace Plaza of Sang-am World Cup Stadium.

In “YG X UNICEF Walking Festival”, more than 5,000 participants walked a 4K course in the area of Sang-am World Cup Stadium and Peace Plaza and then enjoyed after-concert. In the festival, participants could enjoy the walk and make meaningful donations. The 20,000 won of entry fee for “YG X UNICEF Walking Festival” from all participants will be used for to help health promotion and malnutrition treatment for children and teenagers, through Muju YG Foundation and the Korean Committee for UNICEF.

The festival was kicked off with cheerful greetings by SEAN and other YG actors and actresses. SEAN said, “I feel so happy and fulfilled to take part in this meaningful event. This year marks the 20th anniversary of JINUSEAN’s debut. I believe this is a good way to pay back the great love we’ve got so far, until the 20th anniversary of our debut. You who are taking part in this meaningful event to help others are the champions”.

CHA SEUNG WON said, “I’m so pleased to take part in this meaningful event for the first time”; JANG HYUN SUNG, “I really like the purpose of this event whose revenue is all donated. I wish good luck for all the participants”; SON HO JUN, “I was worried because it was rainy yesterday, but fortunately, the weather is good today. I hope you all have good memories today”; KIM HEE JEONG, “I’m happy we’re joined by many people today. I hope it will be a happy and meaningful time for everyone”; KIM SAE RON, “I’m happy to participate in this event and hope everyone will have good time until the end of the after-concert safely”, to encourage the 5,000 participants.

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The after-concert held after the end of the walkathon was hosted by comedian AN YOUNG MI and MC Oh Sang-jin and YG artists including JINUSEAN, EPIK HIGH, LEE HI, AKMU, WINNER, iKON, and BLACKPINK performed in it.

EPIK HIGH marked the beginning of the concert by presenting the performance of “Born Hater”, “LOVE LOVE LOVE (Ft. DARA)”, and “DON’T HATE ME” with DJ-ing. TUKUTZ welcomed the audience with an original sound track of KBS2 TV’s drama series “The Descendants of the Sun” and then introduced MITHRA JIN as “the youngest member of EPIK HIGH but just a man of beard to you”. MITHRA JIN said words of greetings for the audience with an original sound track of drama series “You who Came from the Stars”. TABLO appeared on the stage with an original sound track of drama series “Guardian: The Lonely and Great God” and said, “All of the members of our team have kids and that is why this event is all the more meaningful for us. Today’s lineup is fantastic. The energy will run high from beginning to the end. We insisted that we do the first performance”, to further brighten up the atmosphere.

Then, LEE HI came upon the stage next to EPIK HIGH and gave powerful live performances of “SIGH”, “MY STAR”, and “1,2,3,4” which were sung along by all the audience.

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WINNER appeared on the stage with thunderous acclamation and performed “REALLY REALLY” and “FOOL”. WINNER’s performances were sufficient to fill the vacancy of SONG MIN HO who was absent due to overseas shooting of tvN’s “New Journey to the West” show. KANG SEUNG YOON asked for the audience’s understanding for SONG MIN HO’s absence by saying, “You’re so cool to take part in this meaningful event. SONG MIN HO is not here because he is staying overseas for shooting. That is why we couldn’t be here as a complete team, but we’re here anyway to contribute to the purpose of this event. MIN HO, we’re sorry to perform without you”.

AKMU who has been hosting national tour concert recently sang “How People Move”, “GIVE LOVE”, and “200%”. LEE CHAN HYUK said, “Even though BIGBANG is not here, it is the first joint performance of YG Family in a long time. It’s all thanks to you”. The brother and sister showed the chemistry between the two, jokingly arguing with each other.

When iKON appeared on the stage, the concert hall was colored all red. iKON stood on the stage in Korea after a long time of absence and quenched fans’ thirst for iKON’s performances by singing “MY TYPE”, “SINO SIJAK”, and “RHYTHM TA”. Each member of iKON greeted the audience by saying, “Let us hear the acclamations of the Korean people! We missed this stage on which we can speak in Korea so much”. iKON went on to raise people’s anticipation for their comeback by saying, “Please look forward to our new album to be released soon. We’re preparing perfectly disciplined group dance, songs, and music videos”.

BLACKPINK performed “WHISTLE”, “PLAYING WITH FIRE”, and “BOOMBAYAH”. BLACKPINK greeted the audience by saying, “It was a great honor for us to perform on this stage with other YG artists. We’re now working hard on our comeback. We’ll present you many good songs like last year. Please look forward to our new album”.

The last artist to perform in the festival was JINUSEAN. Notably, JINUSEAN gave a special performance with YG Family, in celebration of the 20th anniversary of their debut. The duo appeared on the stage with a special 20th anniversary film and then performed “TELL ME ONE MORE TIME (ft. SU HYUN)”, “A-YO”, “Hip-Hop Gentleman (ft. BOBBY, B.I, and SEUNG HOON)”, “Telephone Number”, “오빠차”, and “TELL ME (ft. LEE HI)”. SEAN took off his shirt at the beginning of “오빠차” despite cold winds, to further liven up the atmosphere.

SEAN said, “The reason why YG Family could have worked together for 20 years was all because of many staff and you, people. The beginning of YG Family was not that grand, but it is now an outstanding music label with globally popular artists”. Then, JINU said, “We’ve actually done not much” and then SEAN answered, “Hey, we’ve done a lot at the beginning”. Then, the duo rounded off the YG after-party by actively communicating with the audience, saying, “We’ve maintained this team for 20 years, so you can perform for 20 years more, too, YG Family. So, we’re going to perform with the fourth-generation YG artists today”.

The Eldest #JINUSEAN→The Youngest #BLACKPINK… #YG Donation that Caught Two Birds with One Stone #iKON #EpikHigh #WINNER #LeeHi #AKMU #DARA YG Family caught two birds with one stone, making donations and presenting concert. On May 14, “2017 YG X UNICEF Walking Festival” was jointly hosted by YG Entertainment and UNICEF at Peace Plaza of Sang-am World Cup Stadium.

[coexistxcoldrain]

Soul Meets Body

Title: Soul Meets Body (AO3 Link, please visit! :) ) Author: yaoionshavedice / hesonlytiny Rating: Explicit Warnings: Smut Ship: Masato/Colin; MasaHiro Words: ~30.000 Summary: “Don’t worry, no need to pay me back. This won’t make me broke.” After that, he actually put an honest smile on display; one of those that reached your eyes and made your ears move. I had to say, I was caught slightly by surprise and felt too perplexed to respond anything of importance. “Nice nose you have there, by the way.” Notes: Not a native speaker! Please do give constructive criticism :) I know this ship is ... not rare, but rather non-existent. So I’m sure it’s hard to get into if you’re not familiar with one of those lovely men. There’s a few links and pictures on my AO3 story if you’d like to have some more information. Have fun <3

Soul Meets Body

Chapter 01

“Hey, man. Don’t wanna pester a stranger for change but … my card isn’t working. Can you lend me a buck or two?”

The weird guy in front of me lifted his head in confusion as if I had accidentally said something in Chinese instead. His tousled dark hair peeked out under his black beanie. That’s strange, I recalled myself thinking, if it weren’t for his rainwater blue eyes, I could have easily mistaken him for a fancy black-and-white painting. And because I was starting to feel awkward about this whole thing, I felt like adding a rushed “I swear I’m not a beggar, I’ll give it back to you. See, I’m not from here …”

“Obviously,” he remarked dryly and lowered his head again in search for some coins. “We don’t go around with change that often here anymore.”

Something about his accent was drawing me in; making me want to focus solely on his lips when he spoke. It wasn’t as though I was an expert on British dialects – I really couldn’t tell if he was from London or any other random place – but his words left his throat so smoothly and yet tugged so heavily on his tongue it left me befuddled.

“The credit card wave hasn’t hit Japan all that hard yet,” I laughed awkwardly but waited for a satisfying reaction from him in vain. He certainly wasn’t the extroverted happy-go-lucky type by any means. Maybe those prejudices were true after all.

“Thought you’d be from America – judging by your accent.”

At this remark, I paused for a moment. I knew he didn’t mean any harm, though I had to face this kind of reaction on a daily basis. I certainly didn’t feel a close connection to my American heritage; not like my brother did, anyway. But in the eyes of the Japanese, I wasn’t Japanese enough, either. So I forced a plain smile on my lips to conceal my caution. It had been so long since I’d actually felt offended by similar kinds of comments.

“I am. I am half.”

“Half …” he mused and finally picked out the right amount of cash I’d need to buy a sandwich and handed it to me. “Don’t worry, no need to pay me back. This won’t make me broke.”

After that, he actually put an honest smile on display; one of those that reached your eyes and made your ears move. I had to say, I was caught slightly by surprise and felt too perplexed to respond anything of importance. “Nice nose you have there, by the way.”

I immediately faced the shelves in order to avoid any suspicious glances from strangers the moment he was gone. My Japanese genes were strongly imbedded in me after all. Even at 32 years of age, I couldn’t handle a stranger complimenting me.

Paralysed with painful embarrassment, I rubbed my red cheeks and waited for my head to cool down. At least the chill from the fridges in front of me was somewhat helpful. I could act calm and collected all I wanted in my everyday concert environment – in my heart I was still a shy, reluctant person.

***

I had to admit – I kept thinking on and on about that guy ever since I had left the store. Meeting him again by chance in such an enormous city, especially considering I wasn’t living here and about to move on, was, simply speaking, luck I didn’t have to spare. Band mates were noticing I was acting kinda off. Though I didn’t want to admit it to myself that this whole thing felt, oddly enough, like two twelve-year-olds falling in love at first sight. Of course, however, I couldn’t speak for him …

I was 32. Men my age were long married by then in Japan. I had had my fair share of long relationships throughout the years, though not one of them even with the slightest potential of prevailing. I could never hold onto them, they could never catch me the way I needed them to and in the end all there was left was me and the road. I know that sounded more melodramatic than an entry in a teenager’s diary. But here I was, making fun of my love life in order not to feel too sorry for myself.

The truth was: I’d really tried it with girls. I truly had. I was attracted to them … in some way. I just never quite knew what to do with them. Hard to explain. They never stuck around and I was never too sad about that fact. I moved on. I had my plans, I had my schedules, I had my music. At first, I’d thought that I was distracting myself from all that, but that was not quite it. I would be lying if I said I did not feel the slightest bit of relief whenever one of them left. It just got to me that I’d always be left alone.

Whenever we were staying longer in the same city, we were fortunate enough to get our own private hotel rooms instead of sleeping in the tour bus. And so I sat on my bed there that night – it was already far too late – and zapped somewhat dully through the channels. That’s where I spotted him. And I felt my jaw drop to the ground.

It seemed like I had some luck left after all – even if not exactly the desired amount.

I quickly found out the name of the show he was starring in and it didn’t take long for me to unearth his name. After that, I might or might not have gulped down his Wikipedia page. He was not at all unknown. Not at all. I felt as if in shock. Not that daydreaming a little about actually getting to know him better would have been realistic by any means before that. For various reasons I should not have to list, of course. But now … this changed quite a lot, didn’t it? Contacting a stranger – hard, but not impossible. Contacting a famous stranger on the other hand? I was fucked. Just not in the good way. I just felt silly how I reacted; he really got to me. I’d seen so many different people from all over the world in these past few years – and he got to me, just like that.

Colin Morgan, the page said. One year older than me. Irish. Did quite some theatre work – Ariel in Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” undoubtedly being one of his most famous ones. Won an award for the portrayal of said role. Landed the leading part in a 5 season long running show called “Merlin”. Played in films and shows together with Tom Hardy, Chris Hemsworth Colin Firth. I was baffled.

I could see he was passionate. Talented. And oh-so invitingly magnetic. My heart did a little jump. Although, I had to admit, the situation at hand could have been worse. I wasn’t quite sure whether the stalker image suited me, but at least now I knew where he was currently performing. I had locations, I had dates. And even though I should technically feel rather lousy about it all, the general bubbling thrill prevailed. I didn’t know I had it in me, acting so stalker-ish.

“Geez.” I dropped my phone on my forehead. It bounced onto the bed with an admittedly louder thud than I’d expected. I was going crazy. Not the I-eat-ice-cream-for-breakfast-kinda-crazy but a full-on I-order-a-fishing-hat-on-amazon-so-I-can-go-feed-the-local-ducks-at-6am-in-the-morning-kinda-crazy. This was ridiculous. Each and every friend of mine would spend literal hours here laughing at me.

And I couldn’t wait seeing him again.

***

My heart was thumping in my ears; my throat; my veins. I couldn’t swallow anymore. Again, I felt like 12.

So I was standing here, right in front of The Old Vic Theatre in London, eyeing the scenery from a few cautious feet apart. I couldn’t have been luckier to have the two most important factors on my side: it was our day off between two shows and he was actually performing on stage right this day. It was late already and kind of dark, minus the street lamp lights. And busy, too. I waited here in order for him to finish his show and come out, though, to be fair, I didn’t quite know how popular he was and if I even had the chance of meeting him this way. I already felt crazy enough doing this. But I would have never forgiven myself had I not tried it at least.

I nervously rubbed my palms; even though it was unhurriedly becoming spring, the nights were still chilly enough. But just as I finished that thought, the first excited pairs of spectators left the building and started lining up right in front of it, making my blood boil hot. I could feel their excitement and rush of adrenaline on my skin; suddenly the air was filled with leftover sparks and electricity. It reminded me hugely of the energy produced at our gigs and instantly felt at home and suddenly very calm.

I stood there for maybe a few dozen minutes, I didn’t count, as the entry filled with lots and lots of waiting fans. Then, he finally appeared.

In the soft shine of the street lights, his hair shimmered wet and curled around the edges of his ears, he had to have come right from under the shower. I had to admit, however, that I felt like a big old creep lurking at him from the shadows. So I hoped he’d finish the signing session soon enough. After a while I found it fascinating that his fans did not seem to ask him for any photos with him often; he mostly just signed flyers, shirts and DVD’s.

When most had already left and he had quit talking to the last two girls, I nervously scurried a bit closer; waiting for my natural impulses to kick in and do something. Maybe I should have come closer sooner, though I still felt pathetic. But as he waved them goodbye and turned to go back inside, maybe pick up his belongings, my instincts finally did show up and so, out of fear of passing up the chance, I ran the last few steps and shouted “Hey, nice nose you have there, by the way!”

I saw him stopping in his tracks and turning around again to face the odd disturbance he had run into after such a long day. I could see he was still puzzled the first few seconds; I could see it in his eyes. But then, it finally clicked and he laughed out loud at the sight of me. And what a sight that had to have been. If one could die from cringe, this would have been my clue.

“This … is not a coincidence, is it?”

“I’m afraid not, sorry,” I scratched my head in order to have anything to do with my useless hands. “But I swear I didn’t know about you when we met.”

“So … you’re saying you’ve been stalking me?”

“Can we just stop here with all the allegations and questions?” I chuckled awkwardly at my own petty joke. But he seemed to listen and understand. “No, I’ll be honest. I saw you on TV last night. And it kind of felt like a sign … maybe?”

“That’s your honest?” he grinned, but did not look me in the eyes. Now that I stood before him for the second time, I realised that he was also quite a bit taller than I was. “Tell you what. I’ll be out in, like, another half an hour. I have to discuss something first. Meet me at The Cut in a bit?”

I was too paralysed to say anything of substance then and there, really. So I nodded and got a short but endearing smile from him in return.

My head felt dizzy as he got inside again and I was left there in the cold, yet feeling weirdly giddy and hot to the touch at the same time. I didn’t even notice the chilliness surrounding me anymore.

***

“So … you’re a tourist then?”

The waitress brought us a glass of white wine and a Gin Tonic. I thanked her.

“Not quite,” I admitted and tilted my head. The vibe in the bar was smooth and calm. The lights were dimmed and rain had started to fall; drumming a soothing melody against the wide window panes. “I’m here for work.”

“Oh?” he smirked and took a first considerate sip from his glass. “So you mean business?”

I knew what he meant but for some reason I just couldn’t fully relax in his presence, so I watched him laugh about his own joke and chuckled nervously; burying my nose in my drink. “Sorry, we might have a curious kind of humour, don’t let it bother you. I’m just bantering.”

The cold liquid ran hot and nicely stinging down my raspy throat. I nodded and put on a short smile. “Say, is it often that you go for a drink with some random guy you just met or did you just feel lonely?”

“You must be kidding, I’m a busy man,” he laughed again, his ears waggling. “I would not do so if I didn’t find you attractive in any way – if I can be that blunt with you.” He put down his glass and leaned forward a few tiny inches; his voice soft and smooth, his tongue suddenly light as air. “I mean, I assume you must be feeling the same way. Or else you wouldn’t have stalked me, right?”

“When you put it like that, it sounds so pathetic,” I grinned and shook my head; the heaviness of my thoughts and concerns slowly dripping from my shoulders. He just had this all-encompassing presence surrounding him like a fine mist; I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was strange, but in a very good way. He certainly did not look as witty and sharp as he actually was. I wasn’t used to that at all but as I warmed up to the idea bit by bit, I felt more at ease opening up to him. So I unconsciously shuffled a bit closer even. “I just couldn’t get you out of my head, frankly.”

“So that’s settled then, I guess,” I heard him muse as he swayed his wine glass in a mindful manner. Why did I feel like that this was not the first time he did something like that? “Oh, I just realised … You haven’t told me your name. I’m Colin.”

I took his hand, all the while chuckling to myself. “I know. It’s Masato Hayakawa.”

“Masato Hayakawa … Good, now that we are no strangers anymore, it’s okay for you to get inside my car, right? Only that I don’t drive a car when I’m in London, I’m afraid.”

I shook my head as I let go of his hand, evidently amused. But the sensation of his firm grip yet soft touch lingered like a spark on my skin even seconds after the hand shake. For the first time, I actually took in his body and all I could see of it. The faint rise and fall of his clothed, broad chest; almost close enough to touch and my fingertips itched so badly for it. His bare underarms, he had rolled up the sleeves of his dark wool sweater, rested nonchalantly on the small table between us. His long, delicate fingers had been fiddling with a piece of paper after our touch, as if he was drunk with thoughts – but instead he looked me right in the eye the second I lifted my gaze again. Abruptly, a sharp pain in the pit of my stomach – but an enjoyable one at that.

“I took the Underground, too,” I heard myself say in a cushioned, faint voice. Not any one of us could deny the obvious attraction we felt for each other any longer, not if we wanted to.

“Where you’re staying at?”

“You couldn’t get any blunter now, could you?

***

The second we closed the door behind us, he pushed me up right against it. With his mouth muffling my thoughts and worries, he drummed long forgotten sensations inside my veins instead; replaced the dark, twisted voices. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe. It was just him engulfing me as though there had never been anyone else.

Somewhere along the line we had lost our jackets.

It had been so long for me. Not necessarily the physical part per se; but that I actually felt something. Lust, desire, passion … I just knew that I wanted him. I didn’t think about what came after. This was the only thing that mattered right now.

I certainly wasn’t keen on admitting it, but it was so immensely pleasant to let someone else be in control that, on top of it all, was also quite a bit taller than yourself. He pressed up against me so effortlessly and stole my breath, tucked at my shirt and brushed through my damp hair. I could have sworn his hands were everywhere and surrendering to them was just so easy.

Unhurriedly, he licked the sensitive skin on my neck where my heartbeat pulsated vigorously underneath the Vena tattoo. I felt him tracing each and every stroke of black ink and I clawed at his sweater; almost desperately.

After all that, he wordlessly dropped to his knees, kissing down my hip bones towards my happy trail and then looked up.

“Whoah, whoah, you’re sure?” I exclaimed, seemingly out of breath and slightly shaky myself.

“What did you have in mind then, princess?” He did it again; just like that. Muted me with a snap of his fingers, any words of resistance I might have had – gone. Where did he take all that confidence from? No one ever called me “princess” in situations like these; but I had to admit, I liked it. “Don’t you want to feel my tongue on you?”

He licked the sensitive skin down there, unbuttoned my jeans with one hand; meanwhile, the other one dragged lazy strokes across my chest from under my shirt. It felt heavenly. “I–I do …”

“See, doll, wasn’t that hard now, was it?”

“Oh, it’s hard,” I laughed, as he finally tugged at my pants and pulled them down; my hard on tenting my briefs. He intently traced the shape of my dick before he let his hot breath flow over the fabric. I twitched. My fingers wandered intuitively towards his head; brushing through his hair, dragging at the strands. It felt so good to be with someone who knew exactly what he wanted. To feel my own fever be met with at least the same amount of hot anger and ecstasy.

I didn’t leave the hotel tonight in order to find someone to have sex with – but our bodies exhaled that kind of electricity that made you wonder if there could have been any other outcome than this one to begin with.

Finally, he slipped my shorts down to my ankles. Seeing that now the tightness of the fabric was gone and a delicate chill brushed my skin, I shuddered; overwhelmed with all these new sensations. Didn’t know I could even feel anything like this.

I couldn’t bring myself to look down, as he let his tongue wander from the base of my hard cock to the tip. I gasped, he grinned; I felt it on my skin. Assertively, I pushed my hips forward and his head closer to my groin; and instead of resisting and lecturing me in his I-know-better-voice, he obliged and took in my full length. Overwhelmed, I threw my head back against the door; eyes closed and breath drawn in sharply, his own moans muffled. I couldn’t even realise how far he could take me in without any effort whatsoever. My head felt dizzy and feverish hot.

Slowly but surely, he established a firm rhythm; one hand on my hip, the other alternating between jerking me off and massaging my balls. I didn’t even have to think about holding myself back; my first hesitant, testing thrusts now meeting his movements harder, faster and rougher. He didn’t complain at all, quite the contrary, really; under my shallow breath, I heard him moan and sob around my cock, but his pace only got more rapid.

This whole situation fucked me up so badly, I didn’t even know where my head stood anymore. Every inch of my skin prickled as though his hands were still wandering across my body. My stomach felt hot and I could not grasp a single thought. Somewhere along the line I heard him open his fly and pull out his own dick but at this point, I really could not say anything, respond to anything, let alone interfere in what he was doing. The still functioning part of my brain told me that he was about to jerk himself off while sucking my dick, even though I would have died to taste him myself, but I was not able to interrupt him.

The warm pressure and the awareness that it was this beautiful man who willingly took in my full length let me finally lose my head completely. Our matching rhythm grew hastier and more careless. Maybe I hurt him with my fast thrusts, though if I did, he seemed to like it. I desperately yanked at the locks on his head that I could reach and hold onto; moaning all the way and relishing in the fact that he was hopefully exhaling sounds of pleasure while he was choking on my cock.

“W-wait … I’m coming–“ was all I could croak out in my current state, though of course he did not stop. Then a huge wave of electricity jerked through my body; if it wasn’t pitch-black behind my eyelids to begin with, now it was.

It took me a few seconds to realise that I had come in his mouth and he was still indulgently sucking and licking at my dick; cum already swallowed.

Now I grasped that I was panting; felt the rise and fall of my own chest. My arms limp and totally out of energy; I leaned against the cold door and brushed through his damp hair. We hadn’t even turned on the lights.

“Will you stand up? I want to kiss you.”

After another soft lick, he wiped his mouth sloppily and got to his feet; still this never-disappearing kind of smirk tugging at his lips. “Sorry, I might have just ruined your shoes.”

I chuckled breathlessly. “That’s fair enough, I guess.” With my hand behind the back of his head, I pulled him closer to me until our noses and foreheads touched. I could hear his pulse. A weirdly intimate moment between two strangers; so much more affectionate and warmer than the act before. Then I finally touched his lips with mine.

A soft kiss, not rushed by any means. I could taste the faint characteristic bitterness on his tongue but it only made me love this more. I pulled him even closer to me – my fingertips still itched.

***

“That was not your first time, though, was it? With a man?”

I shook my head no but realised he could probably not see it in the dark. I lay on the big king sized bed while he stood at the open window, smoking. “No. Never had a real relationship with one, but I’ve had my fair share of flings. With one guy.”

“Did you want more?”

“No, he did.”

“I see,” he mused, exhaling slowly, probably thinking. “I’ve slept with a few guys. But I couldn’t get over this one in particular. Isn’t it always like this?”

“The irony,” I agreed, rustling on the bed sheets. Even though the street noise entered through the window and soaked our hair and minds, I still could not concentrate on any other sound than on that of him inhaling the nicotine. “What we want is what we don’t get and what we get is not what we want.”

After a while, he closed the window, had probably finished smoking, only to turn around with a huge gesture; a smile plastered all over his face in the dark. “Was he as good looking as me?”

“Oh, quite the opposite,” I blurted out before quickly realising what I had just said and started backtracking. “I– didn’t mean he’s ugly. He’s just … short, blonde, petite, bratty … very Japanese-ish. He’s the opposite of you.”

“You don’t like the opposite of me?”

Even though we just had sex, him acting so obviously flirty with me, in such a witty and positively provocative way on top of it all, still left me dumbfounded. I had never actually questioned myself why I hadn’t liked my former affair the way he had liked me. After meeting Colin, however, I wondered why I had never felt this giddy and complete with anyone I had ever been with before. It felt so easy.

All these stories about “love at first sight” … how true could they be?

Through the blurry darkness, occasionally illuminated by street lights and passing cars, I watched him stroll towards the other end of the room. “What is someone like you supposed to do with a piano inside their hotel room?”

He let his fingers glide over the wood surface, hesitantly sitting down in front of it. “What do you mean ‘someone like me’?” I laughed.

He chuckled silently to himself as he opened the cover deliberately, almost as if he was remembering some long forgotten, nostalgic memory that he had softly carried in his soul. I instantly grew more attentive; my eyes fixed on his delicate outline in the dark.

The tune he then played reached my ears only faintly but oh so very pleasantly like shallow river water you dip your naked feet in when summer is at its peak. Even though I didn’t know the song that was on his mind, I could tell it was dear to him; he had to have played it a lot gentler and slower than the original would have sounded. After a while had passed, he chimed in.

I do believe it's true

That there are roads left in both of our shoes

But if the silence takes you

Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I'll hold you near

'Cause you're the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

As always, I was a prisoner to my thoughts and inactions. My instinct told me to get closer to this melody which let the hairs on the back of my neck stand up; but instead I stood there, motionless. When will this guy stop putting me in such a constant state of awe?

“I know I’m not the best singer,” he smiled loudly. “I’m an actor after all. But, you know, when you go to classical drama school …”

“You have to have vocal training too, yeah … You’re not half as bad,” I laughed, finally finding the courage to shift closer, letting my fingers wander from his shoulder to his neck. “Your voice is a tad too low for this part, though.”

“I know,” he started to explain with a soft voice, slowly turning towards me, searching for my gaze in the darkness. “But I like it. My lovers always ever had blue eyes, you know?”

I didn’t quite know what to make of this statement, really. This new side of him, a far more insecure, maybe even affectionate side, confused me even if no man was ever just black and white. I knew I didn’t have blue eyes, is all. For some weird reason, however, I felt challenged. If I was good at one thing, it was singing after all.

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to hold you like I always do

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to love you like I do

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

Frankly, I didn’t know what I was expecting, maybe laughter or amusement – an awkward smile. But Colin kept strangely silent after I had finished the view verses of the song that I had spontaneously felt like singing. The air was electrified but painfully silent. I shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for choosing such a clichéd sad song. But now that he kept quiet, I felt a bit stupid for doing so nonetheless. This song meant a lot to me and we had yet to publish it still. I had written it a long time ago but hadn’t had the courage to come forward with it. It still hurt a lot thinking about it and thus I generally didn’t.

So I was grateful for this bizarre kind of bubble we were in right now; our own world, so to speak. It didn’t feel real and maybe the past wasn’t, either. Maybe it was the orgasm after taste, the blurry light floating through the gloom or just the general vibe. But nothing here felt like reality. I would have never opened up my heart this way to a total stranger. A stranger I just had sex with, on top of that. Someone I had just met.

“You should do that professionally, man.”

Admittedly quite startled, I could only croak out a nervous little laugh at his conclusion. I didn’t plan on telling him any time soon, really. It would then somehow feel more real; too real, to be honest. I just could not seem to keep my fingers off other well-known people in the business who were not that excited at the prospect of the common mortal finding out about it. Me neither, of course. And I didn’t want to have to deal with that yet again.

“It’s called ‘January 1st–“ I whispered into the darkness because I didn’t know what else to say.

Colin was just standing up and about to say something as well when someone knocked on the door. His lips were now mere inches apart from mine.

“Er … would you?” I hinted at the bed with a funny tone in my voice I couldn’t seem to cover up and he obliged without a word. Then I opened the door; Sugi in front of me.

“Hey … I thought I heard something. Where were you earlier?” He asked in quiet Japanese.

“Ah– sorry. I thought I’d messaged you guys. I just needed to clear my head, is all. I went for a walk.”

“Not a problem, mate,” he bumped my shoulder with his fist and then pointed behind him. “We wanted to grab a pint. Care to join us?”

“Yeah,” I contemplated; having to pause a second in order to find the right words. “I’ll be there in a minute, all right?”

Sugi nodded and left to join the others in the lobby. I stood there; irrevocably back in reality again. Erratically, I closed the door. I would have loved to live in our little bubble forever but we both probably knew that that was not possible.

“Your friends?”

“Colleagues, actually.”

“You sound hot when you speak Japanese.”

I chuckled at his flirtatious remark but it only sounded nervous in my ears. That was it, then. Going for a drink, sleeping, waking up, eating, sound check, concert, in the bus and to the next city. No time to see him again. The lump in my throat was too big to swallow at this point; I had difficulties expressing what really was on my mind.

“We’re … meeting up at the pub outside.”

“So there’s my clue to go, right?”

“I’m afraid so.”

He strolled towards me from the dark corner next to the bed; holding his hands up as though declaring truce. “Hayakawa-San, it was nice to meet you.”

Instead of the anticipated kiss, he shook my hand but quickly came around and pulled me towards him. “Will you give me your phone number?” I whispered against his lips.

“I don’t have one. I promise I’ll find you.”

“You–“ I started, confused by this statement, though could not finish my thought as he finally closed the space between us to kiss me. It was a light one, not rushed at all. No passion and yet it felt appropriate under these circumstances.

“See you around, princess!”

***

“Hi, hi! Wait, please!” Someone shouted in my general direction as I was about to get on the bus. Since the person spoke English, however, no one but me felt addressed and turned around.

It was a short, well-rounded girl with long, dark hair. She looked to be Japanese, or Asian for that matter, though her accent was unmistakably British. I put on a professional smile while I paused in my tracks and heard the others ignore this small interlude. “Yes?” “Hi, sorry for interrupting you guys! I don’t want to bother you. It’s just that I was at your concert the other day and I didn’t get to meet you. I just wanted you to sign my CD.”

I had to admit, I was a tiny bit disappointed. For a second, how could it have been any different, I thought it might’ve been Colin saying goodbye. However, this girl seemed to be nice and I didn’t feel annoyed in any way. So I took the CD off her and chuckled softly. “What’s your name?”

“It’s Mio.”

“You’re Japanese?” One of the security guys had handed me a black sharpie I scribbled some words with on the cover.

“Yes. I do speak Japanese, I just feel more confident speaking English. I’ve been raised here.”

“I know the feeling,” I smiled a genuine smile before giving the CD back to her. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m afraid I’ll have to go now.” I lazily pointed at the bus behind me and the few people left standing around and watching us.

“No, no. I understand, don’t worry! I enjoyed the gig! Hope to see you again soon!”

She waved a last time before vanishing in the crowds of busy people. But it still felt like a weird encounter, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, though. Maybe it was the fact that she was yet another hāfu, just the other way around.  Or that she would stay in London and I would have to go back to Japan, regrettably sooner than later.

***

I sure as hell hadn’t counted the days but it definitely had been months since I’d last seen him.

Japan had safely transitioned from rainy season to typhoon season and it had been yet another unbearably hot and dry but humid summer beforehand. I had witnessed the blooming of the sakura trees which had lost their soothingly pink blossoms mere five days after they had drawn their first breaths. The heavy rainfalls had soaked my sleeves not only once or twice. And now, as the cicadas sang their lullabies each night, I wondered if he still cramped his dark locks of hair underneath his beanie.

I honestly didn’t want to conjure up any gloomy thoughts because that was not like me. I had to act my hopeful and good-humoured self when I was on stage; and frankly, I wanted to. The more positive thoughts you let roam in your soul, the more effect they would have on your psyche. I lived for that, normally. But I did miss him. Not being around him was worse enough; but not even being able to communicate was as atrociously debilitating as finding yourself lost in the dark woods at midnight. Sometimes, in a quiet moment, I asked myself if he had played me after all. If he did own a phone – just not as far as I was concerned. He’d promised that he’d be in touch. And frankly, if he’d really wanted to he could have very well done it by now. I felt ashamed for admitting it even to myself – but I was too proud trying to contact him instead. I didn’t want to keep running after him like a desperate school boy. And here I was thinking that what we had felt that day was genuine and honest.

But what did they say? Life goes on. And I knew mine would. Harder and faster even than any other.

I had hidden myself listening to music in the farthest corner of the building, as I was used to be doing right before a concert to calm my nerves and get me in the right mind-set. As I was sitting there, nodding rhythmically to some random Papa Roach songs, I felt someone tapping my shoulder out of the blue. First I was startled as I was so deeply sunken into my routine but when I looked up, Hiroki stood before me; his gaze falling down on me like broken glass shards. As confused as I was at first, it all made sense since MY FIRST STORY actually was the supporting act for this concert in Nagoya. Of course I’d known this, even if I hadn’t been particularly delighted at the prospect.

“Your pre-concert habit?”

He looked to be nearly ready for their gig, too. Wearing his hair a warm brown colour these days, which suited him undeniably nicely, he did not appear to be as unpleasant as his recent behaviour had actually suggested. It made his features even softer and perfected the sparkle in his eyes when he smiled brightly.

“You know better than to bother me now.”

“I just wanted to check if you were okay,” he shrugged his puny shoulders but this annoyingly satisfied grin never quite left his lips.

“Yeah, right,” I huffed and reached for his arm to pull myself up. He didn’t even act surprised in the slightest. We must still make a good team after all. “That’s so you.”

In front of me, Hiro shuffled his feet and could not hide from the fact that he did indeed still look a bit like a little lost boy. Our love affair felt so far away; I felt so immensely dissociated from him even though we were currently facing each other. I observed the shape of his soft lips but I could not for the life of me remember how they tasted.

“You didn’t like the idea of touring together, am I right?”

“Honestly? No, I did not. Alexandros would have been quite enough. I could not provide any valid reasons, though,” I explained in a low voice, leaning against the cold wall behind me; sobering up my mind. I was not that tall, however, Hiro still only came up to my shoulders. “We perfectly managed not touring together throughout all those years. Low-key without attracting attention.”

“There’s nothing to attract attention to anymore, though …”

There was still disappointment to be heard in his high pitched voice I used to fall asleep to. After all these years and fights and tears. I knew I had broken his heart back then but I was not the one that would be able to mend it back together. And so I decided to change the subject.

“I heard about your break-down at the Budokan,” I started hesitatingly but reconsidered my choice of words and started anew. “No, what I meant was: I saw it. I felt really sorry. Those were heart-wrenching words. I know how hard it’s been for you.”

“Right … we haven’t really been talking since, huh?” Hiroki mused but at least I could not see any genuine grief reflected in his carnelian coloured eyes. “It’s been years, though. I’m fine. Thanks for caring.”

“Hey,” I said with a soothing tone to my voice and put one arm around his shoulders. They felt fragile and delicate like bare skinned branches in a storm. Foreign. How had it been like to kiss his name into the pale skin of his neck? “Let’s go for a drink after this. As friends. Maybe there’s more to talk about than we think.”

***

Seeing that Alexandros was one of Coldrain’s supporting acts too, we could not help but perform Kill Me If You Can together on stage. Going up there as mates and singing these familiar notes and words, so unlike our own songs, felt wrong in all the right ways. Suddenly, I was back in late 2015, early 2016. I was still with Hiroki, the rich sounds felt like honey on my tongue and today they were still as warm as the last sunrays we’d felt on our skin before we broke up. And when it was finally time for us to go up on stage I couldn’t help but to think about Colin one last time as I performed January 1st. We had finally published it and even though everything felt like K and both melancholy and joy swelled up inside my body thinking of him, I now also associated the song with this God damn Irish guy.

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to hold you like I always do

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to love you like I do

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I sang these verses with each and every emotion I could evoke as I was thinking about our shared moments somewhere in the back of my mind. Trying to figure out simultaneously if I’d honestly missed him or if I was just so tired of feeling left alone. As we’d finished the song, however, and I stepped off the stage under cheers and applause from our fans crying ankōru, I again remembered that back in London this was the song I chose to sang in that hotel room. These were the lines that had come to my mind like a lost memory ready to be reawakened.

The memory of Colin’s soft touch on my neck, however … his tender looks that melted into my skin like gentle summer rain. I was not able to let him go just yet.

***

It was already far after midnight when we exited the venue; arm in arm. Frankly, I did not worry about photographers or passersby who could see us like this. It didn’t mean anything. He was the little bro of one of my best friends – people knew. We were having fun, we were laughing loudly and grins were wide; I held him close to my side by his shoulder and together we staggered through the little side streets as though we were drunk. We had let the other guys leave without us; our tussled hair still damp from the previous shower. I didn’t know what we would really be up to but we’d planned on going for a drink as friends. But right now, I felt intoxicated from his too sweet cologne and wondered if his birthmarks where still on the same spots I remembered them to be and if there was new ink to discover on his porcelain skin. I knew I probably shouldn’t sleep with my ex, but I felt so disappointed in myself and in the whole world. I knew I would probably break his heart again – but for some vile reason I felt like I deserved this one.

The earth was still cooling off and even the pavement underneath our feet appeared to still be emitting the last warmth of the late summer’s day. It was a stark contrast to those bitter cold evenings in London. The wind grazed our cheeks only so very delicately once in a while and I threw back my head to inhale the pure night air which was rich of excitement and thrill.

“You know, this feels so familiar,” I heard him purr close to my ear; our movements kind of sluggish as if we cherished every step along the way. I myself was just as eager to forget that Colin ever existed. I had to let him go. Just pretending for one night that Hiro’s moans and breathy laughter beneath my body in the sheets could freeze my unanswered longing. I knew that was kind of fucked up. “Don’t you miss our banter?”

“Sometimes,” I admitted under my breath and it wasn’t even a lie. We did have chemistry – that much was true. We’d felt an instant connection the first time we’d really spent time together. It had been interesting with him the first few months; the first year. He always said what he wanted to say, he was such a little brat and back then I was absorbed with taming him – to the point of obsessiveness even. He hadn’t learned a thing, though, but in bed he did what he was told like the good little boy he was. Yes, sometimes I missed that.

“My begging?” his grin tugged at his lips and reached from one cheek to the other as he carefully observed my reaction; as if he’d guessed my thoughts.

I let out a low growl and buried my nose in his soft hair. Still as hopeless as ever. No wonder my fingertips itched for the sensation of pressing his wrists into the hard mattress. “Your ‘yes’s’ and ‘of course’s’.”

I couldn’t help it and felt my dick twitch in my trousers at the mere thought. This here didn’t have this mysterious delicateness wafting around our heads like blue mist. There was no electricity, no pining to the extent of experiencing pain. I didn’t want to trace his collarbones with my fingertips and wasn’t going mad at the idea of him breathing out my name. I wanted to fuck him because this felt familiar; comforting. I knew how he’d react; I finally remembered how the little sobs on his tongue tasted.

“Long time no see, nice nose.”

The familiar dark voice came out of nowhere and tore at my attention in the roughest of ways. My first reaction was to persuade myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. To dissuade me from making this huge mistake I would most definitely regret in a lot of different ways. But before I could conclude any of my further interpretations, the voice spoke again and I stopped in my tracks.

“Busy?”

“That’s not fair.” I turned around with an unbelieving sigh as if I was reprimanding a ghost of my past that no one else but me was able to see. Of course it was Colin. Now. Out of all people. Why now.

“That’s kind of awkward now,” he admitted with a stiff smile that I had not seen once on his bold lips before. It made him seem more human somehow, I realised with dismay. “Isn’t it?”

Not quite knowing how to react, I let go of Hiro’s shoulders who then looked at me in confusion and mild irritation. His English was not good enough to follow our simple conversation, especially with Colin’s thick Northern Irish accent and Hiro being stressed out enough as he was. In the meantime, Colin walked closer to us in the shine of the street lights; his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets, the black beanie sitting on his head as if time had been standing still all along.

“I don’t really know what to say, to be honest with you,” I heard myself speak in a low voice as though it wasn’t me making these sounds. Time had never felt more like an eerie dream; not since back then in the hotel room. I had waited for him – for months that had felt like centuries. I had pined after and longed for him, yes, I had cried. Once. I’d been drunk and very frustrated, maybe a bit angry even. But I’d been so hopeful that we would see each other again and now, out of all times, he just appeared out of thin air? How was that fair? I was about to forget him!

“A … ‘hello’ would be good for starters?” he smiled at me; the one that made it seem like his blue eyes were closed entirely and little laugh lines appeared right underneath them. “After that … what about an ‘I missed you’? Because I know I did.”

For a second, I felt so very bad for Hiroki standing next to us like an oblivious toddler. I felt his gaze drift from me to Colin and back, but I could not force my own eyes off Colin’s. I just couldn’t explain how he did it; it was like he had magic for real. I was lost. Then he extended his hand for Hiro to grab.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Colin, nice to meet you.”

“Moriuchi Hiroki,” he spat out like a foul fruit but took Colin’s hand nonetheless, had to have realised what the guy in front of him wanted without actually understanding.

“This is … my ex-boyfriend,” I explained cautiously and knew that Hiroki was listening intently for key-words. On Colin’s face, however, I saw that everything had finally clicked into place.

“The fling …” he mused with a fleeting look at Hiro. He didn’t mean it in a bad way, I supposed. He ought to have remembered our night and our conversation. Yes, I had meant Hiro back then. He hadn’t been more than a fling to me in retrospect. But I also knew that this special tone in Colin’s voice when he said the word didn’t sit quite right with me, either.

“I’m sorry, but didn’t we want to go someplace?” Hiro’s Japanese sentence totally out of the blue only underlined my low-key uneasiness as it shook me back to reality and to what was actually happening then and there. I agreed – we did. And even though my lungs suddenly felt as though they were filled with water, I swallowed it down and watched as my hand crawled back on Hiro’s shoulders once more.

“Yeah, you’re right, we did,” I replied in Japanese, followed by a short, unsure glance at Colin. I was mad up to the tip of my hair; both at him for not contacting me and suddenly appearing out of nowhere with that anger inducing “I’m-Innocent”-grin. I thought as though he was probably just insecure and felt sorry for all of this too … maybe. Something about the way he shuffled his feet restlessly and perhaps he really was. He had definitely met me at the wrong moment because right now I was determined to stay angry at him and to not give in so easily even though my fingers itched yet again for his touch. Then the longing set in too and mingled with all of that built-up frustration in the pit of my stomach and suddenly I felt like vomiting. I just knew that I had to get out of there. Now.

“I’m sorry, Colin. I have plans tonight.” I swiftly thought about asking for meeting up another day or for how long he was planning on staying, solely for conversational purposes of course. But the words just weren’t eager to roll off my tongue. I saw it in Colin’s eyes that he’d expected something … anything more but it didn’t come and it hurt me, too. Subconsciously I grabbed Hiro’s shoulder harder and I only noticed when he tensed up underneath my hand subsequently.

In the fleeting shine of the street lights Colin tried his hardest not to let any more emotions play out on his face but he was a good actor after all. I could not seem to detect anything other than a thin, cold wall between us anymore. “I see. Sorry to have jumped at you like this,” he nodded and smiled warmly. “Maybe I can contact you some way? I do have a phone now, you know.”

I had to laugh out loud at his last revelation and for a moment I let go of Hiro’s shoulders. I didn’t make fun of him, I just appreciated his weird sense of humour still; even in situations like these I supposed. “Yeah. Yeah, go on. Give me your number, I’ll message you.”

I was somewhat surprised when he could tell me his own number right off the bat. I had difficulties recalling my own number still and it hadn’t changed in years. But then again, it was technically Colin’s job to memorise lines. After I had typed the digits in, he put on yet another smile and crossed his arms awkwardly. “I’ll be here for another week or so. I thought I’d do a bit of sightseeing while I’m at it. Never been here before.”

I nodded approvingly and said a casual goodbye that he reciprocated, although seeming visibly reluctant in doing so. A stray thought stuck between the then and now that was meant to be uttered out. But then I had already started walking again until I could only feel his stares biting into my back and I had to force myself not to turn my head to look at him one more time. It was like ripping off a band-aid, really. Once we had turned the next corner, I felt the weight being lifted from my shoulders entirely.

***

“This wasn’t quite what I was expecting.” Hiroki was sitting next to me like a proper pile of wet laundry, a beer in front of him on the table between us.

Yeah, considering our touchy-feely attitude before we’d both thought about going home … until Colin had appeared. I knew Hiro was aware of why we ended up in a shady, little izakaya then after all. The mood in here was smooth and slick like honey and had claimed a similar colour, too. Everything glowed and shone like dipped in golden sun rays; staff raced from one end to the other and old sararī man dressed in black sat there after their long work day either depressed or laughing about nothing of importance with their colleagues.

Had Colin cut me out of a night full of good sex or had he appeared at exactly the right moment for me to realise that what I had been about to do was a huge mistake? I just knew that Hiro was pissed that he couldn’t touch me this way nor be close to me. I felt his unsure glances and saw his pouts and heard his sighs but I didn’t feel like comforting him. I was in a God damn awful bad mood.

“Who was that guy anyway?”

I hesitated before trying to answer his question. I didn’t quite know where to start with this, honestly. I didn’t feel like responding but thought he deserved as much. “Met him in London. We had a thing back then. But he hadn’t contacted me until now.”

I searched his face for a fitting reaction but to my own surprise he didn’t seem to be taken aback in the slightest. He had his sleeves rolled and his elbows propped up on the table but much to my dismay I realised that it didn’t quite have the same effect like when Colin did it. “I thought you’d wanted to be more careful? Shagging a random bloke you find on the streets doesn’t sound like it.”

“Shh,” I reprimanded him, even though I knew no one paid attention or could even hear us, the music and chatter was just too loud. It still felt bad talking about such a private matter in public. “He didn’t know me and London is about as far away as Narnia. I call that careful enough.”

“Guys always think with their dicks, honestly,” he rolled his eyes and I laughed.

“You’re one to talk. What did you think we’d be doing tonight?”

Hiro shrugged nonchalantly in front of me but I could sense a fleeting smile on his lips nonetheless. He was a brat indeed, one of the worst I had ever encountered and he was immature and quite childish every now and then. But at times like these, when he acted all-knowing and almost sophisticated, I always ended up feeling astonished. I guessed sometimes I just wanted him to stay this cute, little boy that did not know any better as to be jealous and clingy all the time to the point of enraging me forever – so I could go on telling myself that he was just a toy for me to play with and nothing more. But I did have to own up to the fact that he was growing up and developing all the while. He was no child anymore and of course he wanted me to know.

“Yeah,” he went on, his eyes avoiding mine. A sip from his beer. Then he bit his lip. “Of course. We’ve been flirting the whole time. I’d much rather be somewhere else right now.”

I nodded and searched for his hands on the table but did not dare to touch them in the end. He was a good person. I did like him. He was not a toy. But he also didn’t make my mind go crazy and my heart desperate. I myself still didn’t know what I was going after. I could, here and now, settle for Colin. But then what would I decide on exactly? Surely not to be with him, right? Even if he’d wanted to be in a relationship with me, even if – how would that even work? It wouldn’t. So I was at a loss for words and actions, I realised. It did not matter. It did not matter at all.

“I like you, Hiro-Chan, you know I do,” I tried to console him the only way I knew as I reached for his hands after all and he flinched at my touch, startled, “but it wouldn’t be anything more for me, I’m afraid. I don’t love you.”

I watched him nod lazily but understandingly, his eyes still not meeting mine but at least he didn’t pull his hands away. So we sat like this for a while, not exchanging any words or glances. I guessed he needed this to calm down and collect himself and eventually he came to.

“You know? I really needed to hear that, thank you,” Hiroki mused and finally he lifted his gaze but drew his hands away from under mine. “I’ve known that of course. Didn’t want to believe it, however,” he laughed a short lived laugh but it was full of genuine warmth and so I smiled, too.

“It’s been years since we last came together, though,” I tried to make him remember.

“Oh, we came all right.” A wide grin on his lips that gradually evolved into a full-on laugh and I just had to chime in. A boy at heart, always.

“Would you please stop being so suggestive in public,” I told him off with a flicker in my eyes and a smile upon my lips still; the tension in the air rose again from out of nowhere. He was my ex after all. There’d always be this special kind of connection.

He then fell silent for a few minutes and was suddenly eager to empty his glass. I saw it in his face that he thought about us and our affair back in the day. His ears grew hot. “I don’t need to hear I-love-you’s. And I don’t need to know which guy you’re seeing. But I am still serious about earlier. I want to come home with you.”

“I– Hiroki, I don’t know,” I followed my first reflex because I knew I shouldn’t but then I awoke to the whole situation at hand and everything fell into place. Colin had come here to seek me out, yes. But it had been half a year at least since we’d last seen each other. He couldn’t leave London, I couldn’t leave Japan. Even if those feelings were real – No, it definitely was better to let them fade away. “You know what? Yes. My place is not far away. Let’s go.”

***

At first it was kind of awkward to let him inside my flat and close the door behind us. I’d moved since we’d broken up, so he’d never been here before. My dogs were currently at a friend’s who sometimes took care of them when I was away for longer periods of time, so there was no one and nothing at all greeting us but an uncomfortable silence.

I watched him look around the apartment curiously like a cautious cat. It was big for Japan’s standards but not as much for Tokyo’s. That should explain him being impressed, at least a bit.

“It appears you have good taste after all,” he commented cheekily as he turned around with one of his dazzling grins.

My living room was bright and mainly ruled by colour combinations of wood brown, white, grey and black. There were lots of little indirect lights and a huge glass front on one side, covered with white curtains but you could still see the colourful glow of the city below us. As much as I loved touring and seeing so much of the world, I adored being home – I just felt at ease here.

“You’re here with me, I suppose that counts for some,” I purred in his ear after I had closed the short distance between us and rested my underarms on his shoulders. He seemed intrigued and melted into my touch exactly the proper way I needed him to this moment. He still smelled sweet and familiar; a touch of a bitter alcoholic aroma in between. I grazed his ears with my lips tenderly. “How do you want me to take you?”

Suddenly the awkwardness disappeared and sparks full of electricity filled the room. It was like back then once more and all the memories came rushing back. It felt so natural and easy to touch him again and to feel his warmth. I was hot all over and it reached my throat and neck and ears. I could feel him shiver beneath my hands and every thought of any other person in this moment was just gone.

He gasped for air and I felt him brush through my locks nervously. It had been so long that it almost felt like the first time all over again. Like our first encounter. Unsure and tentative but also full of hot want and arousal. A step forward and I could feel his hard dick pressing into my thigh again.

“You decide–“ His soft voice broke. “I want you to decide.”

This was the code word, really. Hiro didn’t want to have vanilla sex, which we had had occasionally. He wanted me to lead, to dominate him. And I had missed it so much that I had forgotten about this special longing for it altogether. I had enjoyed being called “princess” by Colin, I wouldn’t deny that by any means. But Hiroki was such a perfect little sub that my lungs felt like inhaling fire and smoke right now. It burned inside of me, this desire, and so I snapped and pulled him into my bedroom before pushing him down onto the bed in front of me.

“Clothes off.”

The lights in here weren’t turned on but there was still a shimmer coming in from the living room; it was just about bright enough for me to observe Hiro’s facial expressions closely.

He obliged immediately and pulled off his hoodie and pants without a word; his shoes already discarded somewhere along the way. Now he was sitting there in front of me; only in his briefs and panting softly with arousal tainting his breath.

“You know better than that,” I scolded him with this strict tone in my voice I had honestly missed using the last couple of years. “All clothes off.”

He held my gaze and I could see a flicker of nervousness in his eyes, but in the end he did as he was told and finally sat there naked. The fine mist of light made his skin look amber coloured and so exposed. His stiff cock pressed against his stomach; twitching beautifully whenever my eyes fell upon it. I myself finally felt the heat rise in the pit of my stomach and it became hard to contain myself. I wanted to push and break him; to pull him to the edge and leave him there. To suck up every breath he offered me and let him beg for more.

“You feel safe now, princess? I swear you won’t do so for much longer.” With my right hand I pushed him onto the bed by his chest and held him there with all my strength as he gasped delightfully for air. Our noses almost touched and I inhaled his breath but I didn’t lean down far enough to kiss him; not yet.

Then I got up again and opened the fly of my jeans; pulled the fabric down and felt the rush of cold air on my cock. I hadn’t been this excited for a long time. And even if this didn’t mean anything, it still felt so dangerously good. I wanted him all over me and hear his pleas and moans. And right this moment I knew why I had once loved fucking him.

“Get on your fucking knees, you little slut,” I ordered him with a cold stare and again, he obliged without a word.

I felt his body heat on my own skin as he tested the waters with light touches and careful fingertips. I didn’t want him to, however, and so I quickly decided on using a rope to tie his hands on his back. I grabbed it from out of my nightstand, which I hadn’t used in a long, long while, and when I stood in front of him again he knew fair well what I was about to do.

“Get up and turn around.”

He did as he was told, heart beating fast and loud in his chest, and I tied up his skinny arms. He drew in a breath sharply since I might have laced it up a tad too tight but I did not care and neither did he. Then I ordered him back on his knees again.

Now that he was kneeling there like a good little boy, my heart skipped a beat at the mere sight of it. His eyes shimmered beautifully as if he’d tear up any moment and his mouth was opened invitingly. I tenderly traced his lips with my thumb and he closed his eyes in response; relishing in this feeling I was gracing him with. I could not wait to feel his warm mouth finally engulfing me again. Feeling his tongue and throat and seeing him gasping for air in desperation.

“Suck my dick until it’s wet.”

Seeing that he almost immediately leaned forward to lick at my cock and sigh in pleasure at the first taste, I concluded that he had to have waited for this moment for a lot longer than I had even. Almost as if he was made solely for this purpose alone. He did not flinch when I pushed my groin closer to his face and he did not care about getting saliva all over his face. I missed him worshipping my cock so badly.

I combed through his brown, soft hair delicately and closed my eyes for a few seconds; just savouring every little twitch and flicker that shot through my body like an inferno. But suddenly I was back at the hotel in London again and sensed Colin’s hands over my torso and backside; his breath wafting over my shaft and his grin wide and teasing on my skin.

I opened up my eyes again and decided that it was enough. My heart beat way too fast for my tastes. “Open up your pretty mouth.”

Again, he did as he was told and watched me intently as I pushed myself past his lips. He wheezed and I groaned and then he finally began sucking on my dick for real. It felt heavenly. He knew exactly what to do, even after so many years. Even with his hands tied back. He was completely wrapped up in it; as though this here was his only remaining purpose and I could not even begin to describe how lovely he looked right this second.

With my hands still in his hair, I held his head steady and tried a few careful thrusts which he took in gladly and with ease. Sometimes I thought he’d been born without a gag reflex and this thought enticed me immensely. I could not hold back my moans any longer and so my pace grew faster, more rapid and careless. But he still took me in so willingly; his eyes were closed and there was a precious tint of pink on his flushed cheeks. Not once did he gag as I pressed myself deeper and deeper and oh fuck, it felt so heavenly. A fire in the pit of my stomach that gradually spread through my whole body.

This lasted for a few minutes and while I was enjoying it to the fullest, it was still not quite enough. He’d once told me that he loved face-fucking the most out of everything. To let someone use him like that was his greatest bliss and that thought turned me on even more. I was now pressed inside his mouth as far as it would go, he’d taken me all in and I saw in his eyes that he was struggling to breathe, so I let go of him and pulled out my wet cock. He immediately gasped and heaved and panted in distress, pain and lust after I’d pulled out and I watched him for a few seconds until he had regained his composure, then I stroked his cheek.

“Will you be a good boy and climb onto the bed?”

Just as before, Hiro only nodded, swallowed hard and then obeyed without a word. With his hands still tied behind his back and his backside facing me, he waited for me a bit awkwardly. I knew that he would be so deliciously tight this way. But then I noticed something silvery and shiny between his butt cheeks and stopped slightly baffled in my tracks before breaking out into short laughter.

“Are you serious?” I chuckled as I touched the base of the steel butt plug he’d apparently inserted earlier himself. He shuddered. “When did that happen?”

“I– When I know that I’ll be seeing you … sometimes I do that,” he admitted with a shy, almost unnoticeable voice. And now it was I who had to gasp for air.

Of course I didn’t know. But thinking about all the times we’d briefly met at concerts and festivals over the past few years! I had a feeling that I should probably punish him for that but it turned me on so much that I swallowed this first urge down. “Like back then …”

“Like back then.”

I heard my own breathing ringing in my ears as I felt myself snap again; there was the end of my tether once more. He just had this strange power over me that made me someone I could not recognise at times. It wasn’t anger and it wasn’t aversion but it did make me have a short fuse. Sometimes these feelings deep in my stomach scared me; they sat low and growled and were like a fire pit inside of me. I wanted to hurt him, just a little. Just to show that I was still in charge here. And so I pressed his upper body harder down onto the bed, he yelped softly in surprise. Then I leaned close to his ear.

“You know you shouldn’t have done that.”

He nodded.

“You know I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you won’t be thinking of wearing that the next

few weeks.”

Again, a nod from him.

I pulled off my shirt with one hand a bit clumsily and walked to the bedside table to get out some lube and a condom. Hiroki remained as frozen in this position as possible; only his chest rose and fell from his shallow breathing. He looked to be as eager as I felt. It’d been so long for me and I hadn’t asked him how long it’d been for him.

As I was standing right behind him again, I stroked his back lightly and drowned in this sight. My cock twitched and I slowly exhaled thinking about what was coming next. I missed seeing him so ready and needy in front of me; just waiting for my cock and orders and insults. Only last time he had talked back more fervently. So I put on the condom and applied some lube with slow strokes; tilting back my head, I felt all those lights and flashes roar through my body. I let out a low sigh and a smile escaped my quivering lips.

I wanted him; here and now. Or maybe I just wanted this intimate and mundane feeling of the time we once had. I would be lying when I said I did not think about Colin once.

“You want my cock, right?” I asked him and began rubbing myself against his bum; spreading lube everywhere. Right in front of me, Hiro nodded again. “Tell me how much you want my cock.”

A short unsure silence followed suit. I knew he was still horny as fuck and I could see his hard cock twitch between his legs because he knew I was watching him closely. He liked me watching him in these awkward positions because it embarrassed him and all I ever wanted was to fuck this humiliation out of him. After I had inflicted it upon him, of course.

“I want you to fill me up,” he croaked out in response after a while; his voice rich of both shakiness and arousal. It made me so high to think about how he couldn’t touch himself in this position – a game we’d played so often before but it never got old. He wanted to feel so defenceless and totally at my mercy, he wanted me to lead him and tell him what to do. That was why we were so perfect for one another. Like two puzzle pieces. I loved all of the sensations he made me feel. But it was just a game and nothing more. “Please. Take me.”

“You know I won’t untie your hands this time,” I purred from behind him as I reached for the base of the butt plug and began pulling it out slowly but probably still a tad too fast for his taste because I heard him exhale sharply in response. But the thing was: I did not care at all in this moment. He loved pain and pain I gave him. “You can beg for it, though.”

The thought of him wearing the plug all day, and only for me on top of that, just because he’d imagined being fucked by me again, had me almost go up in flames right then and there. He was ready to use, just like that. And though it felt somehow weird to have no bodily reaction from him, no real passion with body pressing against body and lips against lips, I knew that he loved it this way, too. Taking him against the wall or even entangled lying on the bed on top of each other would feel neither right nor genuine coming from me and he knew it. For Christ’s sake, it’d stir up his hopes all over again would we have done it any differently.

I felt his body shiver beneath my hands that graced the soft skin on his back; followed my fingertip down his spine with my eyes and counted every vertebra until I had found this one birthmark my hand finally stopped at. The lust in the air was so thick it felt hard to breathe and I knew he longed to be fucked. I bet his hole started to feel so empty and was aching for more. And so I gripped his hips tightly and guided my cock inside of him.

Finally, the blissful feeling of warm tightness surrounding me. For a moment, time stood still and I could hear nothing anymore; no sounds reached my ears and only after that did I realise that I had begun to groan loudly.

I knew Hiro was wheezing down there and trying to steady his breath after I’d just thrusted in without any warning and without concerning myself with being gentle. But it just felt so good and once again, I did not care. I was already up in him as far as it would go; right up to my throbbing balls. The plain sight of it was dangerously exciting. How he swallowed me whole. And I was not the smallest guy by any means.

Hiro panted; his breathing shallow and heavy on his tongue. His needy voice, that I had missed so much, made my dick twitch inside of him and he shuddered delightfully in response. I grinned. “You’ve missed that, right?”

Hiro nodded well-behaved; his skin now hot to the touch. It had always felt kind of evil; kind of dirty – to fuck your friend’s younger brother without him knowing. Without anyone knowing and with said brother loving it with every fibre of his quivering body. How he could beg for more and take so much in and be such a good little fuck but play the lady killer in public. It made my heart jump. Right here, this mattered. This and nothing else. Then I slowly started to move inside of him and he exhaled in surprise and everything else was again dissolved into nothingness.

He was so tight and so wet from the lube and I could feel my fingertips boiling with my heartbeat pulsating in them as he tried to push himself back against my cock; to meet my thrusts in between the best he could with his hands still tied back. He wanted more as it obviously didn’t hurt him yet enough. I drew in a breath sharply.

“Have I permitted you to move?” I grunted and was almost alarmed by how foreign, threatening and deep my voice sounded. I held his hips steady and rushed a few times forward at a rapid speed that made the back of my head grow cloudy. It was all too much; the pressure, this sight of him, the feeling of using him, the power, the familiarity, his scent. I just wanted to fuck him senseless until he could not even beg anymore. He deserved it, he so totally did. He was everything I could concentrate on right this second and it felt weirdly freeing after all these months of longing.

“No, I’m sorry.” His voice was still shaky and breathless but he could still moan and sigh rhythmically to my long, hard thrusts. His arching back was a lovely sight to behold but still not quite enough for me. I wanted to look him in his cloudy eyes and watch him coming; to see his stiff cock rock back and forth without getting touched.

“Thought as much.” Losing the rhythm for a moment, I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around abruptly with one single but harsh motion after I had pulled out of him. The moment he realised that his back had suddenly collided with the mattress was so pleasing; the brief shock reflected in his amber coloured eyes made the smirk on my lips grew even wider.

There he lay on his back in front of me in the dim lit, much too warm room. Helpless. Exposed. And oh so pretty. His arms still tied up behind his back had to have hurt under his weight in such an awkward position but as long as I carried out my threat and fucked him mercilessly, there was no way he would complain. He knew fair well what he had gotten himself into tonight.

I watched as he parted his lips slightly but didn’t dare say anything before I slid inside his warm tightness again. The high it got me was beyond any words. I felt myself closing my eyes instinctively because the sensation was just too overpowering.

Not shorty after did I begin pressing into him relentlessly and without sympathy. I heard him whimper and cry and little sobs leave his wet mouth. Eyes closed. Back arched. His balls were so hard and tight and didn’t look like they could last any longer; the dark red tip of his cock gleaming with pre-cum. But the desperation in his hooded eyes when partly opened was the absolute greatest of it all. His head jerked backwards every time I thrust into him and it made him look like a pretty little doll.

Somewhere along the line our breathing began matching each other’s and I lost track of my heartbeat in my ears. All I could see was him. It made my heart so full and contented I swear it felt like bursting out of my chest. But I also felt myself growing more impatient and accelerated and I made sure to let him know. His eyes seemed to beg for more and I could not wait to give it to him.

“You love being used like that, princess?” I hummed in a sweet honey-like voice and took his breath away with a few unreasonably hard thrusts. Hiro nodded weakly; the blush on his cheeks not leaving the shadow of his nose even once. I could see him break into little pieces and it made my insides tingle.

“I can’t hold it any longer …”

But it wasn’t a plea; it wasn’t enough despair for me to actually meet him halfway. He knew I wanted to hear more than that. This wasn’t our first time but I was so close to coming. “Say that again,” I threatened him and gripped his neck tightly. He struggled to breathe.

“Please, Masato … please.”

“What ‘please’?” I growled and ripped his head back by his hair. A chocked howl from his mouth; eyes squeezed shut. He loved every second of it. “Use your fucking mouth.”

For a second I thought he had started to cry for real. The sobs on his tongue sounded so delightful. I wanted more of that noise he made; see him in even more pain and pleasure at the same time. “Please let me come, please. I can’t–“

I couldn’t take it anymore. It was all too much. He looked so fucking pretty bound and gagged with despair and helpless like this. A single tear rolled down his cheek but I knew it was just pure lust and ache for a final release. I didn’t feel it when I picked up the speed a tad too fast and he didn’t, either. In and out and bliss and sparks in front of my eyes and in my veins. Somewhere along I had started to stroke his dick half-heartedly and knew that it was both not enough and that it had to be sufficient all at once. Our groaning echoed in the bedroom but it was hard to care. Let the neighbours hear it, whatever.

Close to the edge, I leaned forward over his bound body; a few hard, fast thrusts and I was almost there. I was aware that I grazed the soft and sensitive skin of his hard cock in the process. This had to be enough for him; no more fucks to give. He knew what he’d gotten himself into after all. A kiss. Tongues, hot breath, a moan swallowed down from his wet, shaking lips. Warmth, explosion. And something wet spreading between our bodies.

Chapter 02

It had been awkward at first to untie him and clean up the mess we’d made in a bit of a silent contemplative manner but in the end we had pulled ourselves together. Sobered up. I didn’t regret doing this. It had been fun and we’d both definitely enjoyed it. Just gone with the flow and how everything would have played out naturally anyway. We were both adults and responsible for our actions and we wouldn’t have changed anything. It was just that I felt this deep heartache right beneath my rib cage slowly but surely crawling inside my lungs and I just wasn’t able to mend it.

None of us smoked at the window in the dark.

“You don’t regret this now, do you?”

His unsure voice came from somewhere behind me and spoke out exactly what bothered my troubled mind. I knew he’d preferred resting in my arms but I honestly didn’t feel like it and he didn’t complain. “Of course I don’t. It was fun. But it was obviously the last time for real.”

“No need to justify,” he mumbled but without seeing his face I could not determine if he truly meant it. Then a rustling of fabric and footsteps. Careful fingertips on my naked skin, caressing my back and hips. “We’ll put it down to a last goodbye for old times’ sake.”

It ought to have been quite the funny picture really – both of us looking so irrevocably lost and butt-naked in the doorway to my living room; hesitant to say or do anything wrong. The lights were far too bright and I would have loved to turn them off and just go to sleep.

“Thank you for taking me with you tonight, anyway.” As if on cat paws, Hiroki sneaked past me and came to a halt in front of my restless toes. Suddenly right then and there I could not manage to avoid his eyes any longer. They shimmered black in the dim lit room. Then he kissed me gently on the lips; his hands lingering on my neck and jaw but they felt so awfully broken on my skin somehow. It really felt like a goodbye. He was such a sweet boy but I hadn’t experienced anything more than lust with him and I was so sick and tired of feeling only lust. “Masato, I can’t change the fact that you don’t love me. And I’m sure it’s for the best if we don’t meet again. I just hope that you’ll find the one.”

“That’s way too mature, especially coming from you,” I snorted amused but gave him a quick appeasing kiss on his nose nonetheless. I could hear it echo in his cracked voice – that he just wanted to trigger a certain reaction from me. “I mean … such a cliché. I don’t think I’d be able to say anything like that–” to the guy I’m in love with.

“I’m right, though, aren’t I?”

I nodded and strolled past him into the kitchen to pour myself and him a glass of water. Normally I loved late night after-sex conversations but this one required digging so far into my soul that I felt the itch for cutting it off immediately deep in my bones. “You’re probably not wrong.”

“Do you think he means it?”

“Mean what?”

Hiroki leaned on the kitchen counter and watched me intently as I shoved a glass into his hand. “You haven’t heard from him in months and now he appears out of nowhere just like that?”

I shrugged and downed my drink in one go so that I didn’t need to answer him right away. Suddenly I felt the need to drink even more. Maybe another beer or two.

“Will you hear him out?”

“Christ, Hiroki, I don’t know yet,” I spat out and felt sorry for the harsh tone in my voice immediately after. But I did not apologise and instead opted for a calmer way of speaking when I opened my mouth again after that. “I thought you’d quit being jealous?”

The little boy in front of me took a deliberate sip from his glass; his eyes were cast over. I didn’t mean to be selfish or nasty to him in any way but I was also losing my patience. That little bit I’d had in the beginning, anyway. It was getting late and after the orgasm had subsided, there was nothing but numbness in its wake. That was almost always the case, anyway … when you’ve been basing your feelings on lust and passion – there was just nothing to replace it once the craving was gone.

“I’m not jealous, I’m serious. I care about you.”

“Yeah, would you mind and let me make my own mistakes, please?”

I slammed the glass relatively hard onto the counter, maybe a tad too hard because Hiro flinched right as my gaze fell on him. That anger from earlier had not left; quite the opposite had happened, honestly. And I shouldn’t be surprised. “Sorry, Hiro. I don’t wanna kick you out so late at night … but I think it’d be best if you go.”

“Okay,” he spat and his glass followed suit. “It’s totally fine if you’re angry at him or yourself but don’t take it out on me, seriously. I don’t know what you want from him, but London sure as hell seems to be as far away as fucking Narnia.”

Without another word Hiro left to get his things from the bedroom. It took him a short while to get dressed in silence but to me it felt like mere seconds. I was left a bit dumbfounded behind the kitchen counter and stared at the counter with our two glasses on top of it. I just couldn’t manage to lift my head to watch him leave but then the door already slammed shut with a rather loud bang and I was left alone again with my thoughts, still butt-naked.

***

It had been a few days and I still had not called. I couldn’t explain it but for some reason, whenever I was about to dial his number, my mind went totally blank. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. At times I didn’t even know what I wanted in the first place. The reason for calling him, for having his number. I didn’t even know if he was still in Japan. I could figure it out easily, of course. Just text him and get it over with but I just didn’t. And maybe I should listen to my gut feeling this time around.

I had typed and deleted a fair amount of messages already like some sort of schoolgirl cliché but it didn’t change the fact that I could not make out whether contacting him was the right thing to do or would get me into even more heartache trouble. So I kept on doing that for a few more days for good measure.

»Hey, Colin. Sorry for taking so long. Had to think. Didn’t want to call you. I miss you. You’re still in Japan? Masato.«

The last message I tried to send but didn’t, again, because I reconsidered the whole thing and threw the phone into the next corner where it landed somewhere next to me on the sofa. I sighed and rubbed my eyes with both hands. Tour was over, album released, interviews given. Suddenly I had all this free time on my hands and I didn’t know what to do with all of it. I felt overwhelmed if anything. This ringing aimlessness you get after you’d been studying for weeks on edge for an important exam and suddenly it’s over and it’s like you don’t exist any longer. I felt like crawling back into my little hole and don’t emerge again until next spring. Hibernate. And maybe all those problems would magically go away … a man can dream, right?

The thing with remaining in that state was that you didn’t get a single thing done. You’d either want to go big or go home and in my case I’d much rather stay in bed. So even the little things felt like a huge burden; doing the dishes, going for a walk with my dogs, even showering. I didn’t see the point but forced myself to do all of it anyway. I’d had been so fucking busy the past few months that it hadn’t been all that bad – this longing for Colin. But now it had come back full force. Seeing that I didn’t even feel like watching a film, I started googling weird shit and ended up typing in his name.

I mean, what could go wrong, right?

The first few pages were Wikipedia and IMBd; no sign of him on social media at all. Even though I’d known that already of course. Then I spotted a short video clip advertised on Google which looked to be a Trailer of a recent film. Of course I hadn’t heard about it and I hadn’t kept up with anything work related. I’d never actually thought about watching any of his films or shows. Strange? Maybe. Maybe it was because I’d find that kind of weird, too … if it was the other way around. But in the end my curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on the link.

However … to my absolute horror, I quickly realised that it was actually a gay romance and so I panicked after the first few seconds and paused it again. If I hadn’t lost my breath so very spectacularly that I spontaneously choked and had to cough, I probably would have laughed about these ironic circumstances. Once that was done, I buried my face in my hands to calm down my ridiculous bastard of a heart. I hadn’t watched him kill a person, so why could I not take it? Yeah, I had not expected anything like that but even I knew that I was being ridiculous.

“Christ, you’re absurd,” I mumbled to myself and took another deep breath before starting the video again. This time determined to watch it till the end. Hardly two minutes. I could take that …

It was not half as bad as I thought it would be. I did not feel like it was me in there, getting to know him, fortunately. I did not feel like suddenly all the world knew what I was up to. And good thing I didn’t feel any jealousy watching him kiss and shag another guy in front of me. At all. The dialogue was funny and realistic even and once I’d adjusted seeing him like that, I could let my guard down and enjoy looking at his face on screen. It still felt foreign, however. Like having met him had just been a dream after all. Because at the end of the day, let’s face it, I didn’t truly know him and this person on screen was not the Colin I had met. It was yet another figure, someone who was not him but looked it. It was like we had never met at all. The person in that film, Benjamin, was so painfully awkward that I couldn’t seem to connect the dots between him and Colin. He was a good actor. Colin had been rough and well-spoken and bold; so very witty at times that I could not handle him. He’d been huge confident smiles and perceptive touches. But he was oh-so beautiful still, I felt myself swoon and shivers run down my spine. The tips of my ears felt very hot all of a sudden.

Yeah … I should have known that that was a definite way of remembering how we ended up in bed. These days I stopped myself from even acknowledging the fact because it distracted me on such a high level that I did not seem to be able to function any longer. Up until this point, I had refrained from going any further, clicking through seas of pictures and videos; dwelling in past memories and letting the waves wash me away. But this time there was no one stopping me any longer, especially not me and I felt this massive wall that had held onto all of these feelings and it was crumbling fast.

“God, I should not be doing this,” I mumbled to myself and a hot sigh escaped my lips.

In front of me were all the pictures that came up when you typed in his name. Old and pretty recent ones too, it seemed. His eyes were drawing me in and his smile made my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. All of a sudden I felt his hands everywhere on my body; felt his itching stare and heard his honey-deep voice in my ears. His scratchy beard stubble rubbing my skin a rosy red. I remembered how it was like combing my fingers through his dark hair and how his breath touched my skin ever so lightly.

I searched for that one picture that made me go hot all over but instead clicked on the recommendation that added “body” to the mix and suddenly he was almost naked on most of them. A few weren’t him and some were obviously manipulations but the others caught me totally off-guard. It just added to my memories and imaginations; I could feel my fingers on his skin and rock-hard abs. I was kind of skinny too but I certainly wasn’t as buff as he was, which was funny when you thought about it. He didn’t look the type at all. His face was sort of androgynous and his smiles were open, warm and pretty. You could spend all those hours watching his lips move and being hypnotised by his lake blue eyes … so that you’d never guess what he hid underneath that sweater.

A rugged breath tumbled over my dry lips like an old elevator stopping in its tracks. I had been so frozen in shock and pure bliss that I had forgotten what it was like to breathe through my nose and to wet my lips. The laptop sat on my lap a bit uncomfortably, so I pushed it a few inches away towards my knees. It was easy, drowning in this sea of feelings and shivers if I only let myself. Lust drunken, I slid my hand over my clothed chest lazily down towards where my jeans sat loosely on my hips. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears already and the cold air hurt weirdly in my nose when I inhaled.

He was everything and nothing in my mind right now and that was all that mattered right this second. Different to how I felt when I was with Hiroki. A different kind of pain and a different kind of mind numbness. I liked this one a lot better. I wasn’t angry anymore and I didn’t do this out of spite; it was a kind of bitter-sweet longing and pain deep in my chest. A kind of pain you wanted more of.

It felt heavenly when I touched my hard dick through the fabric of my jeans. I quickly opened the fly and reached inside to adjust it so that it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable anymore. I felt kinda bad that I was about to get off to one of his pictures. But then again … would he mind? It also felt kinda off-limits. Something you don’t do but kind of wished that he’d know about. That he’d watch you jerk off to his face. Something I wouldn’t want him to find out and yet … it was hot.

I first thought about only getting my dick out – low effort – but then I reconsidered and got rid of my jeans and briefs at once. It just felt better and I could relax. I sighed as I fantasised about what it would be like to get rid of all this fabric covering him still and stroking his broad chest. Instead I finally grabbed my cock in a firm grip. I felt my knees weaken the moment I touched myself. It wasn’t the fact that it had been too long for me, it obviously hadn’t. But it was different getting off on the thought of him. It was a different feeling and a different orgasm. I tried thinking about his deep voice and the commands he’d give me; about the belittling but loving names he’d call me. The strength with which he’d pin me down. With him, I just wanted to lose all control and give him all my “yes’s” that I had to offer, not the other way around.

Even though it wasn’t that warm in my apartment, my breath left my tongue boiling hot and little shivers almost had me taken off my shirt as well. I watched my hand tug at my dick and wished it was him all the while studying the hair on his chest and his deep set eyes on those photos. I felt my breath become rapid and my movements faster. It was like a rush; all lights out. My vision grew blurry and I closed my eyes–

But then my phone rang.

“Fuck,” I blurted out, totally startled by the horrifyingly loud sound of the device. I thought I had muted it but here we were – a ringing phone and my dick still rock-hard.

I wasn’t one to ditch a call and it would have felt wrong to ignore it and continue on with my endeavours unperturbed … so I frantically tried to calm down my breathing and my overwhelmed heart and blindly fished for my phone. Why on earth now? I didn’t know any better, I was just so startled and felt eerily caught red-handed. I didn’t even think about checking the caller’s ID or bothering with polite etiquette and just straight up answered the call crimson-faced and hoped the other person wouldn’t notice.

“–Moshi moshi …”

There was a long pause at the other end of the line, and then someone cleared his throat.

“Masato, is that you?”

“I–”

I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat twice before I could muster up the courage to say anything that made sense. I knew I wasn’t dreaming, I was sure this was Colin, it had to be …

“Yes. Sorry, who are you again?”

Had to ask. Just for the record. His accent was as thick as ever and the tone in his deep voice sent shivers down my spine. My cock wasn’t hard anymore after this mess but I sure as hell felt ridiculously pitiful with my butt and junk out like that, answering calls from basically strangers.

“Er … it’s Colin. Sorry. Your sudden Japanese messed with my ability to form coherent sentences.”

Yeah. Here I was; sitting like a huge loser naked on my couch and trying not to let him hear my agitated inhales and exhales of far too dangerously needed air. I hadn’t noticed that I had smacked my free hand on my face to prevent him from seeing it, which he obviously couldn’t anyway. Hopefully.

“I–” Again, the sheer loss of my words was astounding. He had to have thought I’d lost every trait of a normal human being. “Sorry, Colin, give me a moment …”

I just couldn’t sit here like that and talk to him as if nothing had ever happened. So I quickly searched for my briefs and pants and put them on before picking up the phone again; this time a little less embarrassed. It made things at least a bit more bearable under these circumstances.

“So, here we are …”

“Yes, I suppose so …”

“How are you calling?”

“How? …I don’t understand.”

I listened to him breathe calmly on the other end of the line. There were no other noises besides our silence, so he had to be somewhere private. Maybe at home even.

“I mean … how did you get my number?” I whispered as though somebody could hear us after all. It didn’t even feel real. Awkward. We’d never talked on the phone before; it had been months before I’d seen him again a few days ago. I didn’t know how to shake this unpleasant feeling off of me.

“You … did send me a message earlier, didn’t you?”

Oh no. Oh no. I couldn’t quite tell him that I hadn’t intended to send it to him, could I?

“Er … yes. I guess so. Yeah …”

Stupid fucking Irish bastard. Even if I’d sent it knowingly – I hadn’t expected him to go full-on nuts and call me right away?! In which world was that acceptable? I scratched my head nervously and waited for his next move. I was honestly as awkward as the next guy in real life, especially in situations I’m thrown into just like that. So this could only get progressively worse.

“I’m sorry if my call took you by surprise. It’s just … I really did miss you, too. And I’d thought about you when I got your message. So I just called.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just didn’t say anything at all. I couldn’t tell if this ache in my stomach was the result of me being happy or not being able to accept what was happening. Maybe I was just weary; suspicious. I couldn’t see through him and it bothered me.

“I’m still in Japan, by the way …”

Obviously, I was still attracted to him. Or else this encounter wouldn’t have been so damn awkward on my side. I wouldn’t have searched for a picture to jerk off to. And if I’d been more careful, I probably wouldn’t have sent the message by accident.

But I just couldn’t bring out a word, so I heard him sigh in the background. “Listen … I’m really sorry for what happened. I can’t make you fancy me and I’d understand if it’s been too long since then. We only hooked up once after all. It’s crazy to act like that after a One-Night-Stand.”

I frantically searched for anything that caught my attention and glued me into place. Anything that could tell me what to say next. What to think next. But I couldn’t find anything. Couldn’t think of a single argument. The room was bright from the shadows of the day and white and grey and black. My dogs were asleep. And the couch beneath me felt far too firm. It was so hard to concentrate. There had been a time when I’d known what I wanted to say to him but it was all gone now. “I’m honestly so bad at this on the phone. You’re still in Japan? Then let’s meet up.”

Breathing on the other end. I couldn’t believe what I had just blurted out and so I bit my lip so hard I didn’t feel the ache anymore after a short second. I knew it was silly worrying about his response when it was him calling me and telling me that he missed me. I just couldn’t help it.

“Yes,” he responded at last and I could hear him ponder over my rushed words. “Yes, let’s do that.”

***

We decided to meet up in Sakae this evening when the sun had already set and had left us with a dark cloak of anonymity. The lights were flashing bright and the laughter of cheerful night owls lay thickly in the early autumn air. That’s why I wanted to meet him in the Sakae Park instead. It wasn’t big or anything, but at least it wasn’t that far away from Sakaemachi Station but also not directly next to Kibo no hiroba, Oasis 21 or Nagoya terebi tō. Sakae was, after all, a busy downtown area and lively throughout the night. But I honestly felt more comfortable talking with him here. Not at home. Not at another Izakaya. It was dark and late and most people chose going shopping or doing karaoke over strolling through a dimly lit park in the middle of the night.

Nervously, I clutched my grey coat closer to my body and pulled my baseball cap down low over my face. It wasn’t that tremendously cold yet but this mild uneasiness in my bones made my whole frame shake and shiver. I was sitting on a small wooden bench and waited for my heart to calm down. Why did it feel like meeting an ex in order to sort out confused feelings after a nasty breakup? Something inside my head tried to tell me that it would go away eventually. I should ignore it. But acknowledging his sudden appearance made it far too real all of a sudden and my feelings started to bubble up inside of me uncontrollably.

I put up my hands to my face to breathe on them; warming them up. They were ice cold. And my heart raced for miles. My feet wouldn’t hold still. Each and every little noise startled me. I was on high alert and I hated myself for acting so childishly. That I couldn’t control my emotions at all. We’d played at the Budokan. We’d made it. Friends, family and other bands we were close friends with came to congratulate us. There were flowers and cards and it was filmed. We’d truly made it in Japan. You know you’d made it when you’d played at the Budokan. We’d accomplished so many truly insane things. We were in our 30’s. But I guess there was still something missing …

“Masato?”

When I looked up, Colin squinted down at me. I couldn’t quite see it in the dark – only the back of his head was illuminated by the street lights and made his face appear even darker – but I’d thought I’d seen a small smile.

“Hi,” I replied as I got up somewhat hesitantly. But there was nothing to wait for. I couldn’t exactly stay here on this bench. The greeting was awkward and it seemed like we both didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t shake his hand and I sure as hell didn’t try to hug him. He didn’t, either. He had to have been warry after our last meeting. Couldn’t blame him.

“Wasn’t so hard to get here, was it?”

“No,” he shook his head accompanied by the thick accent in his dark voice. Again, a shiver ran down my spine and let the little hairs all over my body stand on end. He was taller than me still, of course, and in the blurry darkness I could sense the outline of his body and it was hard not to touch him right then and there after all.

For a short second I tried to recall all of those strange happenings that had led to us meeting here. Plot twists and incidents you’d only expect to find in films and novels. He’d come to Japan because of me; to find me. I had to keep reminding me of that fact over and over again so as not to make a huge mistake. I owed him a second chance. I owed him that much. And I knew I had to forgive myself as well. I owed me, too.

“Should we just … walk for a while?”

“Fine by me,” I heard him laugh light hearted as though we were planning on going to a tea party instead. Sometimes I worried that he might not feel the same agony I had felt. This longing and itching for his fingertips on my skin. His lips on mine. His laughter in my ears. But I knew I had to rely on my faith this time. He showed affection differently. I knew he cared. He had to.

As soon as we started walking slow little rounds across the tiny park, I felt my shoulders lift and become lighter already. I exhaled deeply and risked a hesitant side glance to try and guess how his face looked but it was just too dark. It wasn’t as cold anymore; maybe because I wasn’t sitting on this cold bench anymore, maybe because I felt the warmth of his body radiating towards me in a soft, caressing brush of air. It was him then who raised his voice softly to speak first.

“I’m sorry you had to come here to meet me, this could have been handled a lot better,” he mumbled under his hot breath with his eyes glued to the path in front of us. He wasn’t unsure, he didn’t sound like it; it was just his accent all over again. “But I want you to know that I’m still sorry about it all. I was so preoccupied with life … I didn’t realise what was happening. Before I knew … half a year had passed. And I couldn’t forget you.”

I swallowed hard and gave myself a few more moments to let it sink in. This wasn’t news to me. I believed him that he had missed me and that he cared for me. That he liked me. I had forgiven him, deep known. I knew it. But I was wrestling with far scarier demons – what was about to happen? What if we liked each other? What then? What would it lead to if we were on the other ends of the world; separated because of work and life?

When I looked at him; when I thought of him … I didn’t think of him as a fling. I longed for him, yes, but there were feelings. Huge, scary feelings. Something I had scarcely felt before. An affair just wasn’t in the picture here. I wanted more. More or nothing at all. So at my age … it was natural to think this far already now, wasn’t it?

“I feel like such a stupid mug, really,” he suddenly laughed into the silence before I could say anything first. It sounded apologetic enough to stop me in my tracks and make me start listen closely again. “I’ve never met anyone like you. That scared me.”

“I believe you, you know,” it broke out of me just like that. And I breathed out exhaustedly as if I had held my breath the whole time. “I think that had to be said. I believe you and I … guess I feel the same. Only that I’ve committed to those feelings a bit … faster. I’m trying to get over myself here.”

“Yeah … I guess we both are.”

During the last few minutes we had involuntarily started walking closer to the other, as if an invisible power had drawn us together. We didn’t look where we were going anymore or didn’t care. We were just walking. And thinking. And sometimes listening to the other’s breathing. Somewhere in the distance the muffled sounds of cars and voices.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Did you hook up with your ex-boyfriend that night?” he whispered a bit lost and for the first time ever I could actually sense that his feelings for me might just be real after all. Even if it was only jealousy. It was dripping off his tongue and it made me smile and warm me up from the inside. “I know it’s none of my business … And I swear I’m not judging, but–”

“Yes, I did.” Again, I couldn’t hold onto myself. But I also wanted him to stop babbling awkward nonsense. I could sense that he wasn’t used to feeling like this and to say things like these. Even if I wasn’t, either. I tried. “It didn’t mean anything, though.”

“I guess I deserved that then,” he chuckled clumsily and a second later, his hand accidentally brushed mine and he jumped but he did not pull away.

“It’s not about deserving anything or not. I didn’t do that to mess with you. I might have been disappointed … or frustrated. And I guess he was there.”

Finally I risked a fleeting glance at Colin and I could see him nod in the dark. I wanted to be honest with him because that was what it took. The bare minimum. “I see … Well, colour me jealous, then.”

I smirked silently and tried my hardest not to let him see or hear it; I was just so amused by our little conversation that I ignored each and every little voice in my head and put my arm around his shoulders to pull him closer to me. Just as I had done with Hiro that night, only that Colin was far taller than me and his broad shoulders felt heavenly. Finally I could touch him; allowed myself to touch him. And the best part was: I felt him melting under my fingertips as well.

“Nothing to be jealous about, but I appreciate your honesty. We fought again. There’s a reason why he’s my ex …”

I felt myself slowly gaining more control over this situation and my own feelings. It lifted my spirits into the sky and my chest felt like it was about to explode. Something I hadn’t felt for years and years. My fingertips were hot, as were the tips of my ears. I smiled; brightly, until my ears hurt. This felt so right. It felt like he was finally mine. I couldn’t think about all the issues confronting us like swallowed demons anymore. Finally I had made up my mind that I wouldn’t let them tonight.

“I like this …” I listened to him hum; the vibration in his voice ringing nicely comforting in my ears as he nestled closer to me. It was like the ice between us had finally melted into nothingness and had just left enough water at our ankles to make us shiver with anticipation of what was to come. “You know I was at your concert, right?”

“You were?”

“I picked you up next to the venue, didn’t I?”

His words slightly startled me, so I didn’t really think anything of it as I let go of his shoulders subconsciously. We had stopped walking and stood there, in the middle of the street. Somehow, somewhen … we had left the park, apparently. “I … wow, now you’re pushing, huh? … Since when did you know?”

It was brighter now, seeing that we were on an actual street with lots of colourful neon lights and passing cars, so I could see his face; and his dark blue eyes glistened exhilarated, dimples pulling at his cheeks. Dark stubble framed his face nicely. But this time, he didn’t wear a beanie. I wondered. “A while. You know that your face pops up when you type in one of your songs, right?” he laughed with a high pitch in his voice; his eyes almost closed. “That song you were singing back at the hotel? Yeah …”

“Don’t tell me you remembered the lines. We only now published the song.”

“I had tried to search for it before. I found it weird that it never got me anywhere. And then … suddenly it did.”

Silence. I gave myself some moments to mull this over. Had he even found me had I sang a different song back then? Had he even wanted to in the first place? And was that even important?

“You can’t imagine my face when I realised that was you. I felt so stupid. And then … sort of turned on.”

“Oh jeez, would you–” I stumbled over my own words and transformed my first impulse, namely to push my hand hard against my face, into holding his mouth shut instead, literally. Then we both laughed out loud about all the tension and awkwardness and pleasant static in the air between us until he shoved my hand away.

“I sucked you off and came all over your shoes; I bet you can bear to hear some words.”

“Oh my God, Colin …” I smiled unbelievingly as I turned away to continue walking but I was still amused all the same. Funny how I’ve always thought that I needed to be in charge when it was actually the other way around. “It’s just that I … it’s weird, yeah? And then you went to see the concert?”

He nodded. “Not quite my kind of music … but the energy was infectious. I had the time of my life, really,” he again broke out into warm laughter and I felt myself relax into his voice. How could he draw me in so easily?

We walked alongside the street now; people passed us but didn’t look at us. Sometimes they did. Probably because of Colin’s foreign appearance. Walking next to him, I had to have looked more foreign, too.  I didn’t know where we were going, but I was hyper aware that we were now surrounded by other people and the public. It felt nice, however, to have walked out of the pitch black park; at least it was a stark contrast to the street leading to Oasis 21.

“You know … It’s kind of embarrassing to say, but I find it mildly ironic that I fell for a singer.”

Walking next to him, I took a look at his face to see his reaction, but he did not look back at me. Every now and then our shoulders bumped but our hands didn’t so much as brush against the other again. “Why’s that?”

“My newest film … it’s the reason I’d been so busy, honestly. My character falls for a foreign singer, too.”

I smiled as I remembered the trailer I’d watched both intrigued and with a heart beating frantic rhythms of underlying panic … and then got off to one of his pictures. I’d forgotten about it all together. Or conveniently erased it from my memory for a few hours. It’d been a day since then. And now my ears were hot all over again.

“I’ve watched the trailer …”

Now he chuckled nervously and scratched some spot behind his ear like an uneasy cat; but I saw this trivial quirk and had to smile nonetheless. This situation was still surreal and I’d dreamt of living through it. Just talking about anything and everything; telling him my innermost thoughts and sharing with him my fears and joys and everything that I appreciated about him. Being so honest with him felt as though being lifted out of sky deep water. It didn’t happen as much with Japanese people. Not that early on, anyway. But somewhere deep inside of me I knew that I needed that.

“Good, yeah. Good to know,” he nodded at me with a face ripe of mild embarrassment, “I just want you to know that … that that was basically me coming out.”

“Coming out to … who?”

He chuckled again and did a nervous little dance with his fingers which he then stuffed away awkwardly. “The public? I haven’t told them directly. I never do with these things. I’m really just a very private person in general. But I told them that Benjamin was basically me back in my teenage years. I know they understood.”

“Huh …”

It felt like this whole thing had been a huge deal for him after all, even if he’d never say so. Next to me, I could sense his body shake softly, but then it stopped. He wasn’t insecure about his sexuality, that wasn’t it. And yet … this side of him surprised me.

“Why are you so private?”

He shrugged his shoulders just as a couple passed us on the street, but I only had eyes for him. “Always have been, I don’t know … I’m just a quiet bloke from a little rural-like town in Northern Ireland. What even is ‘Instagram’?”

I snickered amused before again taking hold of his shoulders and shaking him gently before pulling him close to my chest for a few long seconds. Then he retreated.

“I know– No, I know what Instagram is,” he laughed as he freed himself from my friendly grip. “Actually, I recently registered … just to follow you.”

“Get out,” I said with a voice thick of disbelief. We had stopped walking and now stood right in front of the UFO-like building Oasis 21, which loomed, blue neon-lights and all, in the background. As always, the place was alive with lots of different people but I still only had eyes for him. I hadn’t expected anything like that and was now rightfully taken aback.

“No … But I’ll tell you why at a different time.”

His blue eyes gleamed excitedly, probably from pure happiness and from all those colourful lights; they tinted his dark hair an otherworldly arctic colour, too, as if he was just a projection inside a video game. But we were facing each other now. He was here and so was I. Smiles bright on our lips and our panting, out of outright devouring excitement, staining the air left and right.

I just couldn’t take this “no-touching-allowed”-flirting any longer now that we were surrounded by people.

“Sorry, Masato,” I heard him mumble before I saw him rush towards me. I couldn’t seem to react in any way, honestly, before he had me tackled into a short-lived but passionate mouth-on-mouth kiss; soft hands framing my face longingly and all. Then he stood right in front of me again as if nothing had happened. White puffs of air leaving our mouths.

One second. Exhale. Two seconds. Inhale. Holding my breath.

I felt the tips of my ears grow hot again and this time I couldn’t say whether out of panic or arousal. Maybe both.

“Are you insane?” I mouthed as I dragged him away from the daylight-lit building and passing people while I frantically looked over my shoulder; paranoid. I knew he felt sorry for losing control so very easily but he did not understand the consequences.

“Look, even ‘normal’ couples don’t do that in public here.” I shook my head and concentrated on the path in front of us, leading us away from all the hustle and bustle.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise … and then it was too late.”

“I wouldn’t have cared so much in the park …” I sighed as I felt my heart calm down to a relatively normal rhythm again the more we diverged from the station. “But look, I’m sure it’s okay. It was just a second and people here usually respect privacy. I’m not a big celebrity …”

I couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy after this encounter, nonetheless.

Colin next to me nodded silently but his unusually pale complexion told me he was as anxious as I felt. Different countries have different customs after all. He did not know any better. But this was a delicate topic here.

“Hey, it’ll be alright, cheer up,” I smiled wonkily but cushioned the urge to give him a friendly nudge. ���Let’s just … calm down and go to my place? There’s an opened bottle of white wine in my fridge …”

***

“I really don’t know what’s gotten into me, sorry,” Colin apologised for the seventh time this night and made a tensed up face; little wrinkles appeared next to the corners of his mouth. As time passed, I had lost the ability to know what to say exactly because it couldn’t be changed and since I was sure that no one had noticed for real, these icky feelings of unrest and queasiness would eventually subside. Or so I hoped.

So I shrugged and put on somewhat of a strained face myself. “Don’t be. Just remember not to do that again,” I laughed lightly and took a sip from my glass. I deliberately held back on telling him to stop apologising and hoped he’d gotten the subtle message.

Had it been risky to take him with me on the train to my apartment after this encounter? Maybe, maybe not. Celebrities here went years and years without having their personal relationships discovered and suddenly married out of the blue. Granted, usually none of them were gay.

I watched my fingers play with the stem of the wine glass. We were sitting on my huge grey corner sofa; in front of us the white couch table with a view out of the glass front. Around us the soft, dimmed light creating a comfortable atmosphere that made my gloomy thoughts a tad lighter as they retreated to the back of my head but I could still feel them linger there. It had irrevocably reminded me of the fact that I was different after all. That I had told myself that I still found women attractive and that I would eventually meet the right person to marry and have kids with; and maybe I still did … in some way. But attraction in some way was not enough anymore in this case. All I wanted was someone I could go up in flames for and it’d been long since I’d last felt this way about a woman. There weren’t many openly gay public figures around here; not many role models. Here, you either married a person of the opposite gender or you just didn’t. People didn’t go around proclaiming their support of the LGBTQ-community. There weren’t any famous people who used their voices to press ahead the movement and educate the stubborn masses. And I just knew that I didn’t want to be the guinea pig.

“Can I do anything to lighten your mood?” he asked innocently with a small smile playing upon his lips, before he put his left hand on my knee. I was positive that he hadn’t intended it to be received in a flirty manner, but it made me grin in a childish way nonetheless.

With a soft sigh, I leaned the back of my head against the back rest to look him in the eyes sleepily – their colour resembled nothing but recently fallen winter rain. Nothing you’d see often. “It helps that you’re here … That you’ve come back to my place. I appreciate it.”

“And yet … You look as if you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

“I do. But I’m afraid I’m not ready to tell you yet.”

Colin nodded understandingly as he drew back his hand after he had brushed cautiously up and down my thigh a few times. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that all of this felt so intimate; so exciting and yet so familiar. As if we’d known each other for much longer already. He made it hard for me to breathe and my heart agitated. I anxiously took in all that was him; the perfectly straight nose, his dimples when he smiled, his smooth underarms and broad chest hidden underneath that flattering button-down. His slightly too long black locks curling around his ears. He had them set back, he’d told me. They surely weren’t as prominent anymore as in his Merlin-days but I still didn’t quite know what to think of that. I had already met him with pinned-back ears; though, when looking at older pictures, I did find them charming. They’d suited him in a strange way.

“No need to,” Colin proclaimed with a soothing tone in his voice and took a sip of his drink as well. I just loved listening to him speak and watching his lips move; his dark accent was nurturing some inner demon inside of me and I did not yet know if that was a good thing. “But I’ll be listening whenever you want me to.”

By then, he had crossed his legs and our knees were faintly touching; his left arm wrapped around the back rest, so ultimately around my shoulders as well. Sitting there closely intertwined and slightly intoxicated, I didn’t want to think about all of these issues anymore. It felt good, being here with him. I felt safe. As safe as I could feel, anyway. And it felt right. So, again, I tried to shove these thoughts to the back of my head and wondered for a short second how well it would work out this time around.

I saw my chance the moment he carefully placed his glass back onto the table and felt myself dashing forward without having finished my last thought completely. With my hands caressing his face, I pressed my lips onto his’ as though I couldn’t breathe without him and I had to smile against his teeth when he drew in a surprised breath. The body wants what it wants.

So this was it – the final straw. I really did need him to breathe; to live. Who was I kidding? His soft lips on mine felt unimaginably heart-wrenching; like everything I’ve ever longed for. I could feel his teeth hidden behind them with every little peck and bite. Those lips were more delicate than any others I’d ever kissed. They felt foreign and yet thoroughly exhilarating. Nothing I was used to. Our kisses earlier this year in winter had been tainted with lust and desire, and these were too, but they were something more altogether. Longing and affection had been mingling and mixing long before; tucking relentlessly at my nervous system and soul. And finally I could kiss him again, this time with more passion; more lust and feelings and my whole heart on the silver plate but I did not care. Either he took me whole or not. This time, I wouldn’t let him go.

“Now it’s allowed?” he managed to croak out between tongue on tongue and little pecks.

I nodded against his forehead and was about to push him back on the sofa and yelped surprised when he pulled me onto his lap instead. “There’s a right time and place for everything,” I added breathlessly.

“I see,” he mused against my lips; this kiss now gentle and soft and slowly fading into somewhat of a lively game between us. “You didn’t plan this, did you?”

I shook my head no and couldn’t resist the temptation to let my hands wander down his neck to feel his biceps and chest and abs. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever sat on anyone like that before but I liked the unfamiliar rush of excitement shooting through my body like little heat waves whenever I inhaled his breath. I could feel his hard dick pressing against my thigh and eventually became aware of my own jeans being too tight.

Time had honestly stopped in its tracks. My mind was so fuzzy with affection and desire that I probably couldn’t intervene even if I wanted to. I didn’t think about tomorrow anymore; or even about the next couple of hours. There was just the sole and deep urge to touch him wherever I could; to kiss him until both our lips went numb … to hear him gasp my name in my ears. I didn’t want to dominate him – suddenly this idea grew very uninteresting in my mind. For the first time in … ever – I realised why people preferred having sex with people they actually loved.

After a while he loosened his soft grip from my jaw where he had held me to kiss me and leaned back; from under half-closed lids, I felt his stare churn this foreign fire deep inside of me further. A desperate sigh left my mouth. “You look so awfully pretty like that,” he breathed out.

Colin let his thumb rest on my lower lip before letting it wander downwards to feel the pulse on my neck, then stopping at my Vena-Tattoo. Another whimper. I lost my breath. I knew that I was prone to blushing hot when I was aroused and so bothered; but I also knew that my lips had to be swollen as well and that one was new. Colin on the other hand didn’t look quite as troubled. He eyed me up and down with a fixating stare; his rainy eyes clouded with what seemed like craving too; and under it I felt myself and the rest of my restraint melt like the freaking polar caps.

“Will you get rid of your shirt for me, Princess?”

As if hypnotised, I managed a short nod before pulling my white shirt over my head and letting it fall to the floor; the cold air now sweeping over my skin, sparking goose bumps and sending shivers down my spine. I had missed being called like that. For the longest time I hadn’t even realised what that did to me; what that could do to me – the power he held over me simply by using as plain a word as that. I just couldn’t get it into my head. I had used it on Hiro not long ago, more or less subconsciously, but it just didn’t have the same impact, either for me or him. And I just couldn’t quite put my finger on why, aside from the fact that Colin could probably say a lot and I’d still worship each and every word right off his God damn lips.

“You’ve never been handled like this before, have you?”

Again, a weak shake of my head. I heard my pulse in my ears. Then he grabbed my hips to press his groin against mine. While I yelped in surprise like an innocent teenager, he let out a long, satisfied sigh. I felt my ears grow hot. I’d just never been in a situation where I was the sub; where I didn’t know his next move and being ultimately at the mercy of someone else and not in charge for once.

“I bet you’re gonna love it. My cock deep inside you, doll, you’re gonna love it so much.”

His promise, thick with want and anticipation, made me think about how it would feel; how his cock inside of me would feel when he filled me up. I’d never been there. I didn’t even know what his dick looked like. And at the very thought, I felt my heart skip another beat. There was a short exchange of heated glances and immediately after I broke the contact, he pulled me towards him by the back of my neck into yet another kiss. I whimpered and he groaned and with all my might I tried to press my body as close to his’ as I could possibly manage. My hands where everywhere all at once, I’d lost track of them all together. I just knew that his chest felt heavenly and my jeans were too tight and I couldn’t get enough of his breath on my tongue and his nose on my cheek. I just couldn’t seem to get quite close enough, no matter how hard I tried.

Somewhere along the way, he had lost his button-down shirt and he or I, I couldn’t recall, had opened up my fly and now my erection poked out at him quite frankly. Feeling kind of awkward about it, I decided to get up from his lap. But then standing right in front of him, I suddenly had the most amazing view of his broad and well-toned chest and stomach, so I forgot to breathe for a second. He wasn’t as scrawny as he appeared at first glance; which I had undoubtedly discovered in my google image search of him. How could he manage to hide that so well? I was neither lanky, nor was I fat by any means – but compared to him I seemed so small and short.

“Wanted to have a better look?” he smirked and moved into a comfortably sprawled out position on the sofa now; covering practically the entire space. Almost no place for me left to sit next to him. Then, after a while, I boldly climbed out of my jeans and tried not to look too lost and unsure. Because I wasn’t, I was so endlessly excited about this whole thing, I just didn’t know what to expect.

“Come here, beautiful,” he whispered breathlessly, as if in awe, as he softly beckoned me over and eased my doubts in the process. I swore he had to have seen my heart pounding beneath my chest, ready to jump out of it, when I’d finally shuffled close enough so that my feet touched the couch. With loving fingers he took a soft hold of my hips and leaned forward. I held my breath when his lips touched me. He was so confident in what he was doing; it didn’t feel fake at all, almost as if it really came naturally to him. And thus it felt so easy for me to melt into his touches and obey his soothingly voiced demands. Suddenly I knew why it felt so different compared to me ordering Hiro around – Colin did it in such a loving, appreciating way that you didn’t even have time to question it. It was hot, following every request of him that is, but I also loved being treated like something precious by him. I wanted to give it to him all – my undying compliance and the chance of having someone he could protect and care for. Someone who moaned just for him. I felt my heart take a leap at the thought.

“You can answer me, you know,” he breathed and his hot breath warming up the fabric of my briefs made me shiver. Then he looked up at me from under his long dark lashes. “I want to hear your pretty voice,” he mouthed at my clothed erection but I could only muster up a weak nod instead.

Not even slightly bemused, he continued on with his efforts and I was back at the hotel. The lights were off and faint car noises reached my ears. Everything was clouded in a delicate kind of mist and felt so new and exciting and suddenly I realised with a missed heartbeat that this time I was sure that I wanted him; that I wanted this, us, and that there was a chance of him staying. Finally.

“Will you touch me, please?”

Colin chuckled. “I will swallow you down, sweetie.”

I hadn’t realised that my mouth stood wide open but now I was in an urgent need to catch my breath and welcomed my ungraceful expression. With careful hands, he pulled down my briefs and suddenly I stood naked in front of him; my hard cock twitching at the mere thought of him taking me inside his mouth. Even though we’d had sex before, we hadn’t been naked together. He’d never seen me naked and neither had I seen him, but now that it was happening, it felt like pure ecstasy running through my veins. Suddenly I knew why Hiro liked it so much – this faint sense of being at his mercy and at the same time I was functioning as his little doll he could delight in. He could look at and get off to.

Then he finally delivered on his promise and started to lick a tender line up my shaft. I moaned under his tongue and he grinned. My hands now in his hair.  “A cock ring would look so pretty on you, doll.”

I could only mumble something very unintelligible before he was already licking the tip of my cock to make it wet before taking me all in. I instinctively held on to his hair so tight that I had to loosen my grip again when I noticed, though Colin did not seem to be bothered in any way. With half-closed eyes, I watched his head, slowly bobbing back and forth, blur into a mist of blacks and whites, sending sparks through my whole body. He was so insanely good at it that it made it hard for me to stop him. But I wouldn’t have been able to control myself any longer hadn’t I intervened. And Jesus, I would have regretted it.

“You already want more?”

His voice was soft and did not at all sound rigid and as though he’d just deepthroated someone. Smooth like freshly fallen snow and just as bright it was and maybe I just focused too much on that aspect so as to avoid the actual question he’d asked. But yes, yes I wanted more of him. So desperately.

My breath came out at a rapid rhythm now but also wouldn’t slow down. Then he finally took the hint and stood back up. Close to my naked self, he appeared to be even taller. “You know, you have to tell me. I’ll make you comfortable.”

He brushed my right cheek and jawline with his thumb and I felt his breath on my lips. His dark coloured blue eyes, or what I could see of them covered by his thick lashes, were clouded but attentive. Then I nodded. “I want more of you.”

Colin smiled lovingly before he kissed me. Every spoken word directed at him felt like miles and miles of stones falling off my shoulders. It was hard every time, telling him exactly what I wanted, giving in to his dominating nature, but then it got easier every time I’d do it and this rush of excitement whenever he’d flash a proud smile after that, was addicting. It made me smile, too. It made my heart flutter and cheeks glow. It was like training a young dog, really, if you’d think about it. Praise and telling off. The thing was, though, that it worked. I knew about it and I wanted it to work. I wanted his attention and wanted to make him proud.

“Tell you what, princess, you’re gonna hop onto the sofa and wait for me. I’ll go get some lube and a condom.”

Again, I nodded well-behaved and did as I was told. I didn’t quite know how to feel, though. I was so excited to finally feel him but I also didn’t know what to expect. Obviously I’d had anal sex before, just not on the receiving end. I knew how to prepare and how to relax. I knew what he’d do to me, probably. But giving in and just letting go of your control was not as easy as it sounded. So I tried to relax after I had giving him unintelligible clues as where to find all of it.

I watched him stroll into the living room again with slow, confident steps and a smirk on his lips; condom and lube dangling in his hand. His pants were open and rode low on his hip bones; he wasn’t wearing his socks anymore. This ridiculously fascinating view of him almost made me want to hide away again. I didn’t think I was ugly … but he was just so gorgeous.

His smooth laughter in my ears when he sat down gingerly calmed my nerves again. I felt like such a stupid little virgin.

“It’ll be so good,” he whispered into my ear as his lips grazed my skin and his fingertips my cock, his other arm wrapped around my shoulders, “I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it for days.”

My thoughts jumped from him sucking my dick to his fingers fucking me and then his cock deep inside of me. It was pure chaos up in there and so I kissed him to quieten up my lousy head. For one second I thought I’d seen surprise in his eyes but the next second the impression was gone and he was kissing me back with everything he’d got; hand on my jaw and fingers in my hair.

“When I watched you on stage, screaming and growling, all I could think of was you on my cock.”

My heart pounded loud in my ears and even though I felt like that this was my clue to get embarrassed, I just felt so frighteningly turned on.

“I really want to do that before, though,” I hummed soft-spoken, a bit nervous, as I broke the kiss and got to my knees instead. It was not so easy getting rid of his jeans even though they sat so very loosely on his hips. Once his pants and briefs were gone, though, I had to hold my breath. I wasn’t one to judge and, honestly, size didn’t matter to me as an at-least-bisexual-probably-gay-man, anyway. I’d never thought about it this way. But his cock surely was bigger than I had expected. Not large, not 8 ½ inches. But proper thick. Staring at it in somewhat of a state of awe, I couldn’t figure out if I could even take it into my mouth, let alone my arse.

“That’s a can of coke,” I joked and only then did I hear myself and laughed to cover up my awkwardness. Luckily, he laughed too.

“We’ll be careful and we’ll take it from there,” he breathed; voice raspy and low and with his fingers in my hair again. I loved those affectionate touches so very much. His cock twitched while I looked at it and I could swear it got even bigger. But I really, really wanted him inside my mouth, too. All we had ever done was him sucking me off. I just really wanted to know how he’d taste and smell like and how he’d feel. The weight of him on my tongue. I’d never before been confronted with “issues” like these and I had never really spent a single second thinking about anything like that. I’d never had to. But I knew that I trusted him and that I didn’t need to be nervous. So I went along.

I had sucked dicks before of course. I loved it, too. Even though I’d let Hiroki handle the majority of the dick-sucking. It’d been a while, though, but when I got close to him and breathed in this familiar scent, I felt the desire in me build a mountain. My heart jumped just as my tongue touched the underside of his cock for the first time. I couldn’t exactly look up and him in the eye, he had his head thrown back and our positions were too awkward, but I heard him sigh in a low voice and that was all I needed to go on. My hands, that I had been resting on his naked thighs, now moved of their own accord up and down, so did my tongue. It was a hell of a task to get him wet enough for me to finally take him in fully. Wouldn’t exactly be smooth enough dry, but there was just so much surface.

I loved the way he winced when I reached his tip and started to suck on it and felt myself grin so that my teeth touched him only faintly. He looked so breathtakingly amazing like this, I just couldn’t comprehend how I had such a beautiful person at my mercy and in my mouth. And when I first took him full in, he moaned and I felt it grow hot between my legs. I hadn’t been aware that sucking dick could do something like this to you. I literally felt my desire rise to unknown heights and my cock wouldn’t stop twitching. I just couldn’t figure out how to take him fully into my mouth, it would only go so far. But Colin still seemed to enjoy it; moaning, groaning, he held onto my hair and guided me up and down gently. Not too forcefully but still determined. Having such a hard and thick cock inside your mouth was an exciting feeling I’d never felt before. It made my mouth water and honestly look forward to the next part of this. I was so hot all over. So hot and bothered that I didn’t even realise it when he finally pulled me up and off his cock to give me a sloppy kiss. I was gone by then; totally wasted and high on his smell and taste. Eyes hooded, mouth open.

“You want more, don’t you?” he whispered; almost as drunken as I felt. I nodded.

Yes. Yes, right now I didn’t want anything more than me naked on his lap. Feeling his hands wander across my body, hearing his moans and little sighs; crying my name. I wanted to touch his warm skin and burn the image and feel of him deep into my soul so that I would not be able to forget about it ever again. I didn’t know when we could be seeing each other again. And I didn’t want to think about that right now.

“Come here to me, pretty,” Colin slurred and gestured for me to join him on the couch, so I hastily got up and sat next to him. I lost myself in the way he looked at me tenderly; tracing invisible paths we were yet to take onto my skin with his finger. His breath on my cheek and his beard stubble almost touching my skin; tickling. He was so close. My heart skipped a beat. “Just relax, yeah? You’re gonna love my two fingers inside of you.”

I nodded, felt a delicate blush creep on my cheeks, but there was just nothing I could do anymore. My body was not mine, neither was my head. It was as though I had entirely surrendered to him; body and mind. My eyes clouded with lust and drunken with want. Fuzzy. Like cotton wool inside my head. I’d never before experienced anything like it but I knew that I was about to get addicted.

I only casually noticed how he spread some lube on his fingers to warm it up; next thing I knew he started touching me gingerly down there, drawing gentle circles and adjusting me to the feeling. It was foreign, I had to admit, though the idea of it had always been in the back of my mind, so I wasn’t really surprised when it felt better than I’d expected.

I was still lying in his arms, having spread my legs ever so slightly, feet on the couch. He was good at this; still not too forceful and slow enough for me to enjoy it. But there was a certain boldness to it, too. He knew what he was doing and so I could relax into his movements and little purrs of affection and love. His thumb caressing my shoulder and little pecks on my neck. Until he pushed one finger in. But it came naturally, there was no time to be surprised. I’d been so ready for this. If anything, I longed for more.

And so I voiced my displeasure with a soft moan. I wasn’t even able anymore to look him in the eye; I had my eyes closed and closed they wanted to remain. But his finger felt so dangerously on the edge of being satisfying-yet-not-satisfying-enough, the way he moved; pushing in and out and growing faster with every movement. He knew it, I knew he did. He loved to tease me; I could feel his grin on my cheek and his rapid breathing on my skin. I knew he watched me going insane. Until a second finger finally joined. I yelped when he did it but it didn’t feel foreign anymore, nor did it feel uncomfortable. It felt just like it was supposed to feel when you really wanted someone inside of you – immediately and all at once.

I was clawing at his soft skin at this point and it felt far too hot in here. I grew careless, impatient; shuffled closer and closer to him until I almost sat on his lap. I held onto his shoulders and back and hips and chest as though I was afraid I could slip any second. I didn’t know how to express my longing any other way, really. I’d only ever taken anything I wanted, I’d never been depended. But my mouth remained sewn shut except for a few desperate moans that rolled off my tongue so very heavily. If that was how two fingers felt … how would that end?

“Do you think you have it in you to get on my lap, princess? Do you think you could do that for me?”

His voice was honey-sweet with a tint of a mischievous grin but I couldn’t think straight, all I could feel were his fingers sliding in and out of me. “Shut up,” I whispered; not because he embarrassed me but because I just didn’t know any better. My whole being was already so full of him that I didn’t even think another bit of him could fit inside of me. There was just no space left. My heart felt so full.

But then he pulled out his fingers cautiously and wiped them on a tissue. I watched him breathlessly; totally out of touch with myself and my surroundings. I honestly had tunnel-vision at this point. Next he opened the condom wrapper and put it on; watched me watching him. Smiled encouragingly. Then he took the lube and spread it over his cock. My gaze was fixed on his dick. His hand lingered there ever so slightly. We made eye-contact for a second and then he began stroking himself. Slowly, gingerly so as not to mess with the condom, he massaged up and down and I felt my eyes glued to this sight of him. Suddenly I actually felt like I was blushing. At least my ears grew hot. It made me think about watching him like that all the time, until the end, up until he came.

Honestly, there were just too many sensations going on and I didn’t know which one to give my full attention.

“Do you want to sit on me?” he asked in a seductive tone of voice and there was just no way I would have said no. This time, again, I only nodded and followed through.

With a swift motion, I swung one of my legs over his lap while I held onto his shoulders. I felt his cock twitch against my thigh. I couldn’t hold onto me, so I dashed in to capture his lips and he obliged without a word or gesture of resistance or protest. Now that his fingers weren’t inside of me anymore but my want hadn’t been satisfied, I felt the loss of that filled up space deep inside of me. It kind of … tickled. It sparked thunder and flames. It spread throughout my body and just wanted to be complete again. It was just another kind of longing. Why had I ever missed out on that before?

I felt him position himself, taking his cock in his hand to guide it to my butt. I felt him nudging at my skin. I sighed both in relief and excitement. Then he finally pushed in. I had to admit, my first reaction was to hold still and cramp up. It wasn’t uncomfortable and it didn’t hurt, maybe it was just the surprise of it all and the unfamiliar position. But he waited patiently, I could hear his breath leave his lips in weighty waves; hands firmly on my hips and his eyes only looking at me. Now his vision was just as cloudy as mine.

“It’s okay, take your time,” he mouthed at my lips but I could see him shiver and shake; felt him twitching inside of me. Something we had longed for so insanely long and now mere seconds felt like centuries. That’s why it didn’t take long for me to relax again, seeing that it didn’t hurt at all. All I could feel was this space that wasn’t filled up how it was supposed to and so I lowered myself farther down on his cock. Until I had him almost balls deep inside of me. Colin’s groans were so low that they ringed in my ears. He would have probably made a perfect shouter. I just couldn’t figure out where to put all this arousal and lust and want and all-encompassing desperation.

I felt myself claw at his skin again but he just grinned. Brushed a single strand of hair out of my face. My cheeks had to have been charcoal-glowing red by then. All I was able to hear was my heartbeat in my ears and his breathing on my neck. He kissed my tattoo. I yelped. Then I finally started to move up and down and was blinded by sparks dancing across my vision.

God, I should have listened to Hiroki. It wasn’t even the dominance-kick I needed. I didn’t miss it in the slightest. How could I’d been so strangely wrong about that? All he did was filling me up and I’d never been so perfectly happy in my life before.

With his hands on my hips, he supported me in my awkward movements and for a moment he didn’t do anything other than staring at me with a half opened mouth. I was hypnotised by it and it seemed to be as if my legs moved of their own accord. “You look so awfully pretty like that, doll … Oh my God– you don’t even know what that does to me.”

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. It felt so full and complete. The thrill of it all! The affection I held for him. The excitement of the moment. The lust building camps and fires inside of the pit of my stomach. I knew it was spreading. I could feel it in my fingertips holding onto his skin desperately. I didn’t feel the need to say anything and he didn’t push me. He just wanted to let me know and it felt so good. Everything that had been wrong with mine and Hiroki’s interaction. Love was not just a feeling now after all, was it?

Somewhere along the way he had started to carefully thrust upwards to meet me but there was no way his movements weren’t becoming hastier and harder by the second. I had started to hug his shoulders and bury my nose in his neck and hair. He smelled so gorgeous. I didn’t even feel the need to touch myself; I honestly wouldn’t have thought that a dick inside of you could feel enough. It was a different kind of arousal, a different kind of sensation. We weren’t even fully aware of how loud our moans were that filled the room.

Then he kissed me again, deep this time. It became hard to keep up the rhythm as my arousal got the better of me. I was panting by then and he had to have known that I was exhausted. Not from effort per se, but this different kind of penetration just made your legs weak and your breath shaky and so I was glad that he had started to lead this whole thing.

“I want you to look at me when you come, okay?” he mumbled, I almost hadn’t understood what he had been saying; his lips were heavy and his words were slurred. Honestly, he tried to look as unbothered as he could manage but it didn’t work. He was in this as deep as I was and it made me so childishly giddy inside. “Can you do that for me?”

I nodded.  He reached down to stroke my cock. I gasped in surprise.

“You can come all over me too, princess. I want you to.”

My forehead found its way to his on its own. Our hot breath mingled and made our cheeks damp. I just couldn’t describe it, he was so thick and filled me up perfectly and yet it didn’t feel as enormous as in the beginning but it was still so overwhelming. Our rhythm, however, grew more rapid and rapid by the second and somewhere in my head I had the thought that it should actually hurt more than it did but all I felt was pure arousal. We didn’t think about it anymore, it was too easy to just act on it. The harder and faster our movements, the louder our moans became; the more I loved it. By then, we were moving in unison – the way two gear wheels meshed with one another. Like we were made for it. It just felt natural. And soon I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Quite literally even.

“Look at me, look at me,” I heard Colin exclaim forcefully, as if he was actually scared I would forget, but it was too hard not to look him in the eye, anyway. Though, admittedly, it was also hard to keep my eyes open with all those different sensations running through my veins. I alternated between touching his chest and cupping his face with both my hands, I didn’t know where to put them. I just knew that one of his hands was on my cock and the other somewhere on my body, drawing red lines and digging holes.

It all got too much pretty fast. The pressure and friction and heat. And I still couldn’t get as close to him as I desperately needed to. He wasn’t holding off any longer, his thrusts came harsh and deep but I still rolled my hips downwards to meet them. I wanted to make him come. I also wanted to see him come. Our faces were mere inches apart and I could taste his breath on my tongue but his stare kept me from actually diving in to kiss him senseless. I wanted to watch each and every little detail when his features moved to make way for other expressions. To watch his nostrils flare, somehow it made him look even prettier. Realer. If that made sense.

My ears picked up on the change in his voice; his groans becoming deeper and louder. I knew he was close. And now that he’d found the perfect angle and pace to jerk me off, I knew that I couldn’t last any longer, either. Nothing but this mattered anymore and we held onto each other like lovers falling from the sky. I didn’t have to say anything when I was about to come, he knew and held my face in his hand. It was hard keeping my eyes open but the expression in his eyes was worth it all; like a deep understanding and admiration but mingled with this fire still burning in them, it looked so hot. That gave me the last kick, frankly said. That he was watching me closely as I came all over his chest and stomach; the first shot even reaching his neck and jaw, but I only saw it faintly. Like through a curtain. Slowly it began dripping down his sides but he did not stop moving. My body felt so light and insanely hot that it became difficult to move. My heart exploded. I’d never felt so exhausted, my body was just limp. All of these little fireworks exploding in my chest had given me the rest. But now he was close too and I did my best to still meet his thrusts; I could see it in his eyes that me coming had been the last drop, however, and so I watched him close his eyes in ecstasy and scrunch up his nose, mouth wide open. I was in awe. His arms and neck showed his veins as he pushed me further down on his cock a tad too hard and I had to gasp. Now it hurt. But maybe that was because the arousal had been subsiding.

When he’d stopped moving, panting frantically, I cupped his face and kissed him for at least half a minute, I couldn’t really tell. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Those intense feelings rushed so fast through my body so that I felt my eyes well up; tickling. I’d done my best to get as close to him as possible but it seemed like there was no way I could ever achieve that feeling I was seeking. This was as close as it would get. When we parted, he licked his lips contemplatively and brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. A short smile.

“I’ve wanted to tell you how pretty you look but I just couldn’t get out a word seeing you like this.”

I chuckled amused, slightly overwhelmed as I didn’t exactly know what to retort, and reached for the tissue box to wipe the semen from his skin. More than I had expected, by the way, we were lucky it didn’t reach the couch. “You’re such a bootlicker, you know that?” I told him finally but didn’t meet his gaze.

“I’m offended,” he laughed and supported me as I climbed off his lap before he made himself busy with taking off the condom and disposing of it. “Don’t act as if you didn’t like being called pretty, beautiful and princess.”

I shrugged my shoulders and hoped that he meant every single word he’d said, every time he’d said them. But I didn’t exactly want to ask him about it. “Yes, I love it.”

Then he laid his arm around my shoulders to pull me closer and I relaxed into his touch; his smug smile strangely underlining the seriousness of it all. I breathed a sigh of relief. “I love that you enjoy it.”

***

“So, you told me you’d tell me why you followed me on Instagram.”

“That was literally two hours ago, Masato,” I watched him laugh and almost choke on his words, obviously still slightly embarrassed, for whatever reason. He shouldn’t have told me in the first place, really. “Isn’t that obvious, anyway?”

“I want to hear it from your mouth,” I insisted with a straight voice. We’d put on our clothes again and were now lying somewhat on top of one another on the couch. No one smoked by the window this time around, either. But tonight I didn’t care. I didn’t want this to end. It wasn’t just comfortable – it made my heart so perfectly full, like there was no way I could ever be happier in any other moment. I felt at ease with the world as I counted his heartbeats silently and realised that they were mine, too.

“Okay,” he prepared himself, straightening up a bit. His hand on my shoulder did a little patting gesture. “When I found out about you and your band … I just needed to know what you’re up to. I liked seeing you, okay? I stared at some of those pictures … maybe a bit too long.”

He’d started stroking my shoulder again with his thumb while I traced his abs through his shirt. Lying here with him and talking about these things felt so easy all of a sudden. Like a huge weight had been lifted from both our shoulders since we’d had sex. Talking always seemed so easy after that. “So you’re saying that you jerked off to my pictures?”

“I … wouldn’t put it like that.”

“Yeah, me neither if I were you.”

Again, he laughed; this time I felt it on top of my head. Then he placed a kiss there and breathed out, making a spot on my hair feel warm and damp. I followed suit, conveniently leaving out the circumstances of our awkward phone-encounter. “I know we’re just starting out but … I can’t help but to think of where this is gonna take us.”

“Where? I don’t know … forward?” He shrugged his shoulders, I nudged him dissatisfied.

“You know what I mean.”

“The distance …”

“Not only that, you know. We’re both busy people. I have my career and so do you.”

I didn’t even think about the possibility of letting anyone know about our steadily increasing feelings for one another; the relationship we were about to build. One problem at a time, they say. When there was no relationship due to distance problems, I wouldn’t have to fear telling anyone, obviously. But that thought lay heavy like a bag of stones in my stomach and closed up my throat. That feeling when you suddenly had everything you’d ever wished for and then it turns out that you’d been mistaken all along … that wasn’t pleasant at all.

“I’d love to tell you that it’ll all work out fine and that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with matters so difficult to resolve so soon. But that’s not what you want to hear, is it?”

“I’ll get us a glass of water,” I answered queasily instead to dodge the question and got up. No, of course this wasn’t what I wanted to hear from him. Although I should have known it, really. This specific issue wasn’t just resolved on its own, that was just not how things worked. We were from different parts of the world and that was it. It just felt so eerily similar to back then when he walked away from keeping in contact with me. Back at the hotel where he wasn’t concerned about how to find me again. He had found me in the end, obviously, but I did not think that he intended to at first. And that stung.

When I came back with two glasses in hand, he sat upright on the couch and took it without a word. Nipped. Watched the floor. I shuffled about nervously because I didn’t quite know what to say or do. I didn’t want to speak it out loud. Then it would become far too real for my taste. I craved the mysterious after-glow from our hotel room; the dark mist that had settled over us like cotton wool. He had rejected me back then, in a way. But I had not cared as much. Mostly because it hadn’t felt real in the first place. But tonight my heart beat so heavy in my chest that it hurt and it made it hard to breathe.

I love him I love him I love him I love him

Then he got up and looked me in the eye – dead straight.

“Come to London.”

“Wha– I can’t. That’s literally where I’ve just been.”

“I mean, why don’t you move there?”

“I– I … Colin, I have a career here. I can’t just move to a different continent, I–”

Silence. He just stared and as he did so, something in his eyes lit up and I couldn’t pull away from that sight.

“Okay.”