#Any further statements like this I will probably just block and ignore

[sparklespirit]

queer Catholics who maybe would like to not grow up being told they’re terrible for it do exist. How do you propose to remove the church’s power to set the party line for the attitudes of the several million Catholics around the world without fully getting rid of the religion itself (which I’m sure some ppl, maybe you, would like to do, but like. Religion and culture are very intertwined and being religious doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person so um. Even tho Catholicism is very colonial and has problems (understatement but I don’t have it in me to get into it) it is very much a cultural pillar around the world that’s very important to people, even some secular people, and getting rid of that would require cultural change to the degree of getting a complete blank slate which. Good luck with erasing a significant chunk of the past two thousand years lmao. Also it’s generally not a good goal to try to kill a culture even if you don’t like it)

and like. No one is begging the pope for anything, anyone actually working for queer rights is not working on the fucking Catholic pope, but it’s nice that he’s slightly better than past popes. The bar is in hell but still. It may not be the biggest goal and it’s certainly not a fucking lot but any progress is nice. Also American conservative Catholics lose their shit about even this so like.

The baseline is awful so any minor improvement (even if it’s just pr, the fact that being seen as gay friendly is good pr is itself progress) is crazy because it takes a lifetime to get to be pope. Everyone works their way up in the hierarchy by waiting for their boss to die or retire (rare) so any new pope is old as balls anyway. So for the general human benchmark he’s conservative. But judging by the attitudes of old Catholic men? He’s not the worst we could have by a long shot

[reidsaurora]

Your event is so cute!!! Could I get a sun kissed Malibu dream house with Aaron?? 🥹 in need of some fluff with him hehe

i am so so sorry this took me so long to write! writer's block these past few months has been kicking my butt. but, thanks to my awesome betas, i think i wrote something you'll like! hope you enjoy!

"Summer Lovin" ~ A. Hotchner

Summary: As the start of summer arrives, you and your friends at the BAU find yourselves feeling a bit reminiscent of the summers before. Along with that reminiscence, you start to miss the days when you and Aaron had little babies instead of big kids…

Pairing: Dad!Aaron Hotchner x Mom!Reader

Word Count: 2,019

Content Warning: lots of talk of babies/pregnancy, sexual humor, kind of fade to black smut if you read between the lines lol, small mention of food, lmk if i missed anything!

Extra Notes: i'm so sorry this took so long, i had a very hard time writing this and def meant to post it sooner. however, in the spirit of my city being under a heat advisory today, this feels appropriate to post 😂

Originally Written: 06/04/2024 through 06/25/2024

Beta Read By: @dungeons-are-too-cold and @virtual-vivi 🫶🏻🩷

Criminal Minds masterlist can be found here!

Summer Celebration info can be found here!

Sun Kissed - fluff requests

Malibu Dream House - domestic!au

Aaron tossed off the blanket, letting out a small sigh of relief. “When did it get so hot?” he grumbled, his morning voice prominent. As he rolled over to his back, you spotted a big wet spot on the front of his tee shirt from just how much he was sweating.

Still, you scooted closer to him anyway and tossed an arm over his abdomen, his familiar scent filling your senses. “News said there’d be an excessive heat wave today.”

“It's probably ninety degrees already,” he complained, “and it's not even 9:00 yet.”

Rolling onto your side to face him, you left a trail of kisses along his jawline. “Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills,” you giggled, referencing one of your kids’ favorite movies. “When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?”

“It's sweltering! How in the world could you possibly want to cuddle right now?” Aaron ignored your attempt to brighten the mood, instead opting to toss a pillow over his head and groan into it.

You just pulled the pillow away and left another peck on his jaw. “Because I love you. And because our children are gonna come in here any minute to take you away from me.”

He noticed the small pout that followed your statement, the expression enough to soften even Aaron Hotchner, king of stoicism, up. “Alright, fine. I'll allow it. But only because you drive a hard bargain.”

Your pout was replaced with a smirk as you snuggled closer into his side. “Mmm, that means a lot, coming from an ex-prosecutor. Maybe I should've gone to law school with you.”

“You're too sensitive for the big house, or whatever they say,” Aaron snickered. After noticing your look of offense, he quickly covered with, “I didn't mean it in a bad way. You have feelings. It's a very nice thing to come home to after dealing with emotionless psychopaths all day.”

“I think you're trying to compliment me. I'll take it.”

His lips met yours for a quick peck before saying, “I have nothing but compliments for you, my love,” Then, he met you with a second, much longer kiss, and while he tasted like morning breath, moments like this were so rare that you were willing to look past it.

One of his large hands met your leg, his calloused fingertips trailing along your bare skin. It felt like a lifetime since you'd been like this, with two children always needing your attention and the FBI always needing Aaron's. Just a simple touch of his fingers had you forgetting about the outside world, if even for just a moment.

Your lips met his neck, his stubble scratchy against your skin. He'd been away on a case in Seattle for about a week, and you were certain he hadn't shaved the whole trip. You liked it that way anyway.

His hand traveled further up under your nightgown, settling on your thigh. He squeezed the supple skin, a gesture of both affection and want.

“Are you trying to go for number three?” you joked before kissing his neck once more.

“Believe me,” Aaron chuckled, “if I knew I had enough time, I'd certainly try.”

As if on cue, four scurrying feet came stamping across the hardwood floor into your bedroom. “Good morning, Daddy!” both of your children yelled in sync, climbing onto the edge of the bed.

“That's why you're not allowed a third,” you mumbled into his ear. “The ones you have don't even appreciate me.”

“They love you, I promise,” he whispered, kissing your cheek. To the kids, he said, “Good morning. Don't you have anything else you want to say?”

They both turned to you, sheepish looks coming across their tiny, adorable faces. “Good morning, Mommy.”

“That's better,” Aaron said, gaining him a snicker from you. “Now, may I ask why the two of you are up so early and you're already in your swimsuits?”

It was then that you realized he was right. Jack, the older of your children, was sporting his favorite Spiderman swim trunks, while his little sister, Libby, had managed to dress herself in a cherry-print swimsuit she hadn't quite grown into yet. They made your heart melt.

“Daddy,” Libby sighed, clearly exasperated with her father, “don't you know what day it is?”

It happened to be the day your kids hadn't stopped talking about for weeks: the beginning-of-summer pool party you and Aaron threw every year for your friends and his coworkers at the BAU.

Aaron tapped a finger against his chin, his brows furrowing as he thought. “Let's see… it's not Libby’s birthday, and it's not Jack’s birthday, it's not my birthday, and I don't think it's your mom’s birthday,” his last comment earned him a sarcastic look from you. “Hmm, what day could it be?”

You joined in on his little game, tapping against your chin as you pretended to think. “Perhaps it's Christmas?”

Jack narrowed his eyes at you. “It's too early in the year for Christmas,” he said matter-of-factly.

“You're right.” As you continued tapping your finger, you shot Aaron a knowing look, which he gladly returned. He could tell by the gleam in your eye exactly what you meant with that look. “Is it…”

Each of you grabbed a kid, tickling and eliciting little squeals and giggles. “Pool party day?!” the two of you shouted in sync.

Libby thrashed around in your arms, laughing and squirming, while Jack attempted to escape his father's arms. Moments like these were almost as rare as the ones with just you and Aaron, so you had to take advantage of them while you could.

“It's pool party day!” Libby squeaked, while Jack was laughing so hard, he could barely breathe.

Their smiles and laughs pulled at your heartstrings. You wondered when the universe decided to make your babies grow up, since it seemed like only yesterday when you had a newborn and a two-year-old.

Bringing yourself out of your nostalgic trance, you pulled yourself out of the bed, grabbing each kid by the hand. “Who wants to make pancakes while Daddy’s in the shower?”

—

Soon enough, all your friends had arrived and it felt like summer had too. Penelope and Spencer were currently entertaining all the kids, while the other men were crowded around the grill and the rest of the ladies were sitting poolside and working on their tans.

“You ever wonder if either of them will have kids?” JJ asked, nodding toward Penelope and Spencer.

“Spencer, a hundred percent,” Emily answered, like her statement was a fact. “Penelope, I'm not so sure.”

You were next to jump into the conversation, not even bothering to look up from your magazine. “Why do you ask, Jen?”

JJ let out a longing sigh. “It's been so long since we've had a baby around here.”

Putting the magazine down, you looked over to her, eyebrows creased. “Henry's only three. It hasn't been that long.”

“You don't miss having a baby at our get-togethers? Emily, where do you stand?”

“Don’t look at me,” Emily said with wide eyes. “If I didn't have to change another diaper for a lifetime, it still wouldn't be long enough.” She was the one person in the group that was rather indifferent to children, but babies, she'd rather not talk about or be around.

“Yeah, babies are nice,” you said, “but the pregnancy part? That's what I'd rather go a lifetime without.”

“Well, I'm sure there's one thing we can all agree on,” JJ snickered. “At least making the baby is fun.”

Emily tossed the pillow behind her back in the direction of her coworker, giggling all the while. “Jennifer!”

“What?” she laughed as she swatted the pillow away. “Am I wrong?”

You let out a small snicker yourself, shooting a glance in the direction of your husband, who was currently taking his turn in manning the grill.

Neither of your friends missed that look, both their mouths falling agape at the expression. “Spill!” they squealed in sync.

Penelope made her way over from the edge of the pool, her face overtaken by the brightest smile known to mankind. “I heard the ‘Someone has beans to spill’ variety of squeals and giggles. What am I missing?”

“Nothing,” you insisted with an eye roll.

Emily patted the edge of her chaise, welcoming Penelope over. “Come sit, we're gonna get it out of her. After all, two out of three of us are profilers.”

Your eyes narrowed at the brunette. “Do you forget that I also used to be a profiler before my kids came along?”

“Stop changing the subject,” Penelope said with a swat of her hand. “Spill your guts. What did I miss?”

“Well, we were talking about how it's been so long since anyone on the team, past or present, has had a kid,” Jennifer explained.

“And someone looked at her husband with that look,” Emily further explained.

You scoffed. “It was not that look.”

“It totally was,” your friends spoke in sync.

Penelope's face lit up like a child in a candy store, her mind clearly running rampant with ideas of what the look meant. “Oh my God, are you-”

“No!” you quickly interrupted, knowing exactly where that question was headed. “Not yet anyway,” you mumbled under your breath.

The three of them practically jumped out of their seats and gathered around you, all screams and smiles.

“We haven't even had the conversation yet!”

“But you're going to!” Penelope insisted.

You rolled your eyes, but internally, you couldn't be happier for the gift of friendship from these three women. Jennifer, the mom friend in more ways than one. Emily, the voice of reason who not-so-secretly had a funny side and always knew how to make you laugh. And Penelope, the perfect shoulder to cry on and perfect soul to confide in. Lucky didn't even begin to describe how you felt about knowing these women.

Suddenly, you found yourself— as Penelope had said— spilling your guts. “I don't know. This morning just felt… different. Like, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have another baby around.”

The three of them flooded you with comments of love and support, hugs wrapping around you from each direction. Having another baby would be different, of course, but your friends were making sure that you knew it would be a good kind of different.

“I still have to get Aaron on board, so no one get too excited,” you reminded them.

JJ was already way ahead of you. “We've got the kids, Rossi and Derek have the grill. Don't worry about anything out here. You and your man deserve a moment of free time.”

“Just so we're clear,” you said, pointing a finger as if to further prove your point, “we are just going to talk. No funny business.”

Emily snickered. “Yeah, the same way you guys used to ‘talk’ on the jet?” Your cheeks heated to a bright red shade at her comment.

“Ew, Hotch is in the mile high club?!” Penelope practically screamed. Luckily, everyone else seemed too engrossed in conversation to hear her, but you were still mortified nonetheless.

“Okay, scratch what I said. I'm actually going inside to give myself a lobotomy.”

And with that, your friends were shouting in sync different variations of “Have fun!”

Then, with a smile on your face from both the joy of friendship and the love you had for your husband, you found yourself heading over to the grill and pulling Aaron away. His reaction was nothing short of laughter as you practically dragged him toward the house, his shirt nearly coming off with how hard you were tugging it.

Lips met skin as you closed the back door behind you. Aaron let out another chuckle, though he surely wasn't protesting your affection. “Woah, that look in your eyes tells me you're the one thinking about number three,” he commented, referencing your words from that morning.

“Well,” you said as your fingers started to trail under the hem of his dark gray tee shirt. With another kiss to his neck, you continued, “About that…”

taglist: @1234-angelika @lowsodiumfreaks67 @drayshadow @alexxavicry @cordyandbilliehavemyheart @the-lucky-ones311 @mercuryvapours @darkloverfox @sammyrenae68 @cherrycandle @asgardprincess97 @gh0stgurl @esposadomd @randomwriter1021 @eddieharrington @paintlavillered @lavhoes @rhyanishere @danielle143 @handsupforamiracle @ah-blossom @reidselle @dungeons-are-too-cold @louderfortheback @reidsbookclub @cwritesforfun @lover-of-books-and-tea

[harry-on-broadway]

To make sure @harrysblackcoat doesn’t end our friendship here’s my entry to my own fic challenge. it’s just a little something that’s been in my drafts for way too long

**

His eyes drifted towards your hands, which were fidgeting with the glass of Merlot you were holding.

“Same color,” he said, a faint smile on his lips after catching a glimpse of the mint green color on your nails.

“Of course. I was once told it was my signature.”

He smiled again, but this time it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You’re missing something.”

You tilted your head, confused by the statement until he gestured to your wrist. The spot where a thin gold chain had once lay was empty. “Oh!” You laughed lightly. “I figured I didn’t need that after every-” You stopped short when you saw the glimmer of gold on his own wrist. “Oh, Harry,” you whispered, voice barely audible.

He shrugged as he took a swig from his tumbler. “When they said forever they weren’t lying.”

You ignored the charged undertone hidden in his words. “Does she…?”

He shook his head. “She never asked. I think she just assumed it was part of the package with all…”

Even after all this time apart, neither of you had forgotten the secret language that was only spoken between the two of you. There was no need to finish a sentence when you all knew exactly what the other was saying.

“That’s…”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “She’ll figure it out one day and then I’ll move onto the next. There were plenty before her and there'll be plenty after.”

The smallest piece of you felt guilty. Like you were somehow the cause of this self-sabotage (to be honest, you probably were). “You can’t keep doing this, H-Harry.” You caught yourself. Uttering that nickname would only blur the lines further.

“I know. I’ll fix myself one day, but it’s kind of hard to heal overnight. Although, maybe I could learn something from you.”

There it was again, that self-pitying, pathetic tone, coursing through his words, but you refused to take the bait.

“It’s been two years, Harry.”

“Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.” He cleared his throat. “Are you happy?” he asked. “Be honest.”

“Yes,” you said. “I really am.” You pushed the intrusive thoughts out of your head. Thoughts of how you’d had to change your coffee order after everything, the smell lavender bringing up unpleasant memories of Harry. Thoughts of how you’d shifted your route to work to avoid any chance of running into him, even if that meant forgoing the pastries you loved from the Greek cafe down the block.

You saw the pain wash across Harry’s face. “I’m glad,” he said thickly. “I wish I could have been the one to give you that, but I’m happy you found it somewhere.”

[lavenoon]

Falling Into Orbit (~4.1K)

Bloodstain Fool by @naffeclipse, og detective au by sunnys-aesthetic

Menace4Menace first meeting - plays before the first comic. Also reminder/ disclaimer that this is not a Y/N, and pronouns used will be he/she

Next -> Conjunction -> Asterisms

-

“You’re going to draw attention, looking like that.” 

You look up at the animatronic towering in front of you. For some reason, the comment offends you. Could be the fact that so far any passerby walking past has only spared fleeting glances your way, before looking up at your new friend and scurrying off with fear in their eyes. 

In a way, you get it. Twice your height and cutting quite the imposing figure in his suit, Eclipse is no one to sneeze at. 

Your nose still tickles.

“Are you sure anyone is even going to see me standing next to you?” 

Got him. There’s a twitch to his expression as his fingers curl around nothing but air, before he abruptly rips them down to his side. Just as suddenly he turns, walking down the sidewalk. 

You have to take two steps for each one of his. The most annoying part of it all is keeping your grin down.

Eclipse glares down at you just as you round the block. His eyes only narrow further, so perhaps you’re not doing that good of a job, hiding your amusement. 

“You’re still here.” 

… Where else would you be? He started walking, so you followed. Did he expect you to just shrug it off, and let him leave? Or maybe it’s wishful thinking, him hoping you’d turn out to be an apparition only. Too bad you have to disappoint him. 

You blink, and tilt your head. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

Again with the furling fingers. It’s not a really reassuring gesture, but mostly you wonder if this time has stress toys. Eclipse sure looks like he could use one. Some, actually - multiple spares, just in case. 

The thought only intensifies when one hand wraps around your head, keeping your head fixed to where he leans down into your vision. While you’d love to say you’re fully focused on that probably faked cheerful smile, 

That hand is big. 

“I have work to do. I won’t babysit you.” 

You pat the hand on your head, and it twitches. 

“Lucky for you, I’m not a baby. You said you’d help me.”

“Because you were freaking out and drawing attention. Speaking of which, you calmed down really fast.” 

The words come out in a snarl, and his grip tightens again. At this rate you’re going to get a headache. That won’t help you clear his suspicions, so you do your best to project nonchalance with your shrug.

“I got distracted. Not every day you meet a sentient animatronic after all.” 

You look around, as much as your limited range lets you, and immediately realize that he won’t be able to sign off on that. There’s three other animatronics out and about, and that’s just from a quick glance around the busy street. 

So you have to amend your statement.

“Well. I suppose that no longer applies.”

The pressure from your head lifts as Eclipse straightens, his optics covered by his fingers curled into claws. He tilts his face up, and just like that you can’t see his expression anymore. Quietly, he mumbles. 

“Why did I agree to this?” 

You’re not sure if you were supposed to hear that, but you decide to reply anyway. First with a hum, earning you another glare, and then you grin. Eclipse drops his hand again, not looking even an ounce happier. You’re not sure it would have made much of a difference - he’s quite a lot of ounces. 

So you end up smiling for two.

“Because I’d go around and tell everyone I met you first. Think the police would enjoy my crazy story?” 

For an animatronic with a fixed smile, he looks awfully close to having bitten into his first lemon ever. But then, for just a second, his expression shifts - too bad you can’t read it at all. His pupils flit to the side, then narrow back down at you, and he looks as hard as ever. Moment over, then.

“You are my punishment.” 

You blink, unimpressed.

“You’re awfully sure you deserve to be punished.” 

Ignoring your comment entirely, he turns to look past you. When he speaks up again, his tone radiates eternal suffering, and you bite your tongue before you comment on that, too. 

“I know where you can stay. There’s someone who owes me a favor.” 

He starts walking again, and you follow with a dreary sigh. 

“Oh no, I landed in a time of ominous favors.” 

Golden eyes with black pinpricks glare back at you for a moment, and then Eclipse accelerates. You have to actually hurry now to keep up. 

“Word of advice, if you want to last here for more than a day, learn to keep your mouth shut.” 

And so you do, if only because your sense of self preservation isn’t quite that eroded. Well, maybe also because jogging after him is enough of a workout, and you prefer not announcing that via embarrassing wheezing. Without lungs he sure has it easy. That, and legs as long as you are tall. You’re barely more than a tripping hazard for him. 

That’s an impulsive thought you better don't indulge. 

Instead you try to focus on everything around you, taking in all the sights without falling behind too much. Just once do you stop to stare at a very fancy couple and their just as fancy car, and get lost a little bit in the excitement they radiate. 

And maybe the old car. Do you know the brand? Could you sneak back to steal a glimpse at the emblem? It’s a rolling death trap, even more so than the cars you’re used to, but if it doesn’t look cool…

Eclipse walks on, and when you look, he just rounds a corner. He nearly left you behind before. You hate running, but needs must. Rushing after him you nearly run into him - seems he waited after all. 

He scowls, grumbling a quick “Hurry up,” and moves on. 

This time you don’t let yourself get distracted. Getting lost in a city out of your time, without money or ID or anything else to your name isn’t your idea of a good time. Your little threat earlier was little more than a bluff - involving the police isn’t an option you actually want to consider. 

When Eclipse takes a sharp turn into a building you stop for just a moment, looking it up and down. Just a little shop, from the looks of it, selling a variety of things. 

The bell rings when you enter, and both Eclipse and the human shopkeep turn to you. The man frowns, and you instinctively smile - it probably does little to help. 

“Hi!” 

He turns to Eclipse again, thick brows furrowed. 

“For her?” 

“Do you have a room or not?” 

Your smile turns into a small grimace at the hostility in Eclipse’s tone, but at least it’s not directed at you. 

It gets worse, because the shopkeep does not seem to have a sense of self preservation. 

“Since when did you fancy…” 

Apparently unsure how to describe all of you, he makes a vague circular gesture your way, and what little you can see of Eclipse’s expression does not look happy. Maybe you can defuse the situation just a bit.

“Oh, we’re just friends!” 

Again, four eyes are on you. Eclipse’s optics are dark with thin, golden halos staring at you in disbelief. The shopkeep glances from you to him before tensing, and promptly making his escape into the back.

“... I’ll go grab a key.” 

You spare him a glance before looking back to Eclipse, who is currently strangling the air where you presume he would wish your neck to be.

“Why would you say we’re friends?” 

It’s hushed, as much as you assume he can lower his voice. The result is more of a squeaky rubber chicken toned stage whisper, and your little smiley grimace twitches. 

“Would you have preferred whatever he was assuming?” 

Somehow you don’t think him “fancying” you is in any way the better alternative. You don’t really look like someone anyone in this day and age would fancy. 

… At least your skirt reaches past your knees.

Eclipse’s fingers curl further, clenching into fists.

“I’d prefer to not be associated with you at all! I don’t have friends!” 

That was not what you expected. You blink, scowling as well now. 

“... Weird flex but okay.” 

His voice shoots up half an octave in strain.

“What?” 

There’s a small sound from the counter, and a stiff shopkeep slides a keyring with a small plated keychain and two keys over the counter. The way he keeps avoiding both your gazes makes you think he caught a bit too much of that conversation. 

“Second floor, third room on the right. You still know the address?” 

The keyring disappears in Eclipse’s hand, and then his coat pocket. 

“Yes.” 

From his voice, you'd think the furious voice crack never happened. You definitely don't trust like that.

And then the storm is coming your way. You scramble out of the shop, the doorbell ringing again, and not a second too early. Eclipse ducks back out right behind you, dark eyes still trained on you. For a second you duck, not exactly in fear, but certainly preparation. For what, you don’t want to think about. 

But then Eclipse straightens, closing silicon lids over his eyes, and when he opens them they shine in gold again. He squints at you, and somehow that smile is much more terrifying than the one before.

“Let’s go.” 

For a few blocks, you follow in silence, but then your curiosity gets the better of you (and your self preservation). Though a bit of it, the part you would like to not acknowledge, also is the looming realization that following a pissed off animatronic you have known for a few hours to an unknown tertiary location is currently your safest bet moving forward. 

Can’t have you thinking about that. 

“Do you really have no friends?” 

You barely hear his reply over the noise of the street and his grumbling tone.

“What did I say about keeping your mouth shut?” 

Well, the energy is certainly unmistakable, so you don’t think you’re wrong with your guesstimated perception. Who even needs to process full sentences? Definitely not you, as proven by your entire life so far.

Even though he can’t see, you shrug.  

“That’s kinda sad, dude. Friends are cool - nifty. The bees’ knees even. The cat’s meow?” 

Your brain sifts through months of fluctuating interests to scrounge up the brief interest in dated vernacular, with limited results. You’re not even entirely sure you’re in the right decade with those.

Eclipse still doesn’t grace you with even a look.

“Stop talking. Somehow, understanding you is worse.” 

You press your lips together tightly, keeping down another snappy comment. Antagonizing him is not in your favor, and you need to remember that. 

He doesn’t make it easy though. 

You’re busy studying the old fashioned traffic lights when you notice the motion in your periphery. Eclipse looks away as soon as you look up, rather paying attention to the lights himself. At least it’s too busy for jaywalking, and even he has to wait. Spares you from having to run after him, but not the conversation he picks up again. 

“I have a reputation to uphold.” 

While you have no doubt that nothing about you is helping him with that, you also don’t know why he’s bringing it up. Are you supposed to apologize? Or - 

The friends. He’s talking about having no friends. A fact which is apparently part of his broody loner reputation. 

Your realization must show on your face, because Eclipse spares you another glance, and his expression flattens immediately. 

“Don’t say it.” 

You grimace, and look back to the lights. As soon as it turns red, you’ll have to hurry before the traffic rounding the corner gets its go. Pedestrians are car fodder still. 

“I mean, you’re thinking it, I’m thinking it, I really don’t have to.” 

Unfortunately, your shrug gets interrupted by Eclipse wrapping his hand across your shoulder, and dragging you across the street. You didn’t even notice the light turning red. The fumes of the last car are still whirling in the air, and you cough through that cloud of exhaust. Either he’s really impatient, or pissed off at your comment that you technically didn’t verbalize - maybe both. 

He lets go as soon as you reach the other side, fortunately all in one piece, and at worst only slightly bruised from the fingers digging into your flesh. You rub the spots where his grip was tightest for just a moment before you have to hurry after him again. 

At least you wait until you’re right behind him to pry a bit more. 

“Seriously though, is your reputation just ‘loner who hates everyone’? People can’t do everything on their own, that’s madness!” 

Eclipse stops abruptly, stepping back and startling you into a jump. His eyes are dark again, the golden rings within blazing. 

“Not everyone. And what I can’t do, I arrange through contracts and favors. Friends are nothing but a pretty lie, none of it means anything.” 

Well, good to know the guy really never had a friend. You’re curious about the emphasis - but right now you want to focus on a different point to make. 

“So you do rely on other people! You know, sometimes coworkers can become friends too.” 

The static crackle coming from above sounds awfully close to a choke, except then… He’s laughing. It’s not bad, honestly even kind of nice, except you have no clue what the joke is - which means it’s most likely you. 

At least his eyes are golden again. 

“No, absolutely not.”

You blink. Okay, maybe his coworkers suck, too. What do you know? But still, you huff - you’re not done yet. 

“You know the saying ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’?” 

The last of his lingering amusement seems to drain from him, a frown taking over. There’s a dark flash in his optics, just for a second, gone before you’d be concerned. Doesn’t mean his expression is in any way happy when he leans down just a bit. No, his grin is bitter, and you still have to crane your neck uncomfortably - you’re pretty sure he just wants to loom. 

You wonder if there’s a craft store nearby. He might strangle you for real, but it would be a hilarious practical joke.

“If you haven’t noticed, I don’t have blood to mingle.” 

Bonafide snarl, once again. You only cock an eyebrow.

“You do know how a metaphor works, right?”

As suddenly as he stopped before, Eclipse now straightens. Somehow, you’re glad you’re not shorter - he looks at you like you’re a particularly nasty bug, and you’re very squishy. Your still aching shoulder speaks for that. 

In your endless wisdom, you decide to stick out your tongue and blow a raspberry. 

“I’m just saying. You can choose a whole lot, and good friends are part of that.” 

“I choose none. Let’s get you settled, before I do something you will regret.” 

The remainder of the trek you stay silent. You’ve poked the bear enough for now - especially considering that this bear is very tall and very sharp, and currently begrudgingly helping you. 

Except the silence means you’re lost in thought, and you nearly run into him again once he stops. You catch yourself just in time, and look up at a nondescript apartment complex. At least, you think it’s an apartment complex. It looks decent enough, not fancy or otherwise flashy but clean. Besides, right now some privacy sounds heavenly. 

“This is the place?” 

Narrow eyes meet yours again, as if daring you to complain. 

“A boarding house. They’ll have meals, and you have your own room. You owe me for this.” 

You pause, then look back at the building, higher and higher up past the rows of windows. The different curtains and various trinkets you spot make it fun, somehow. 

“Currently, I can only pay with the power of friendship, which we established you don’t want. Can we go up and look at the room? My feet are killing me.” 

Wordlessly he unlocks the front door, leading you past a few curious gazes up into the staircase. You barely get to take in the hallway and adjacent communal rooms on the ground floor, but it’s fine, really. You’re a bit out-socialed anyway, and tomorrow is another day to leave bad impressions. Or, well - impressions ahead of the time. 

Second floor, the third door on the right. Nondescript just like the outside, and you don’t see any obvious scratches around the lock or frame when you duck to see past Eclipse’s hand. He scowls at you, then opens the door. 

The room is small, no question. But there’s a bed, a desk with drawers, a quaint little closet and a chair. Together with the promised meals and presumably bathrooms you’ll have to find, you’re all set. 

From the window ring the faint noises of afternoon traffic, and you step closer. Eclipse remains by the door, and a small part of you reminds you that he’s probably eager to leave. You just can’t help it, you have to look first. Staring through the glass, the same street you just walked past seems a lot smaller. Somehow, it makes reality sink in more. 

“You might want to look into getting a gun. You look like an easy target.” 

The words barely reach you through your daze. At first, you just hum - but then you realize just what he said, and grimace instead. Not looking away from the window, mind you, but it’s the thought that counts.

“I don’t like guns.” 

“Let me guess, you prefer knives?”

As much as it sounds like a question, his tone is too dry to actually mean it. You turn with a frown, tilting your head in a silent question. Just as silently, he gestures towards your arm, expression flat. Unnecessarily, you follow the motion, and blink at your tattoo. 

And just like that the dread pooling in your stomach disappears.

Unfortunately for Eclipse’s mockery in the making, you grin. 

“Oh, yeah! I collect them. Only ever carry one, though.” 

“You already carry a knife?” 

Eclipse perks up too, suddenly interested. You don’t think that mild enthusiasm will hold. It’s not really anything appropriate for self defense, not even as a bluff. Still, you dig around your pocket, and flip open the little knife before proudly holding it out towards him. His pupils shrink as he looks.

“Yup! Professor Stabby McStabstab.” 

You’ve never seen an animatronic this disappointed before. Sure, you’ve seen your first one today, but that doesn’t have to mean anything. Maybe disappointed isn’t the right word, either - maybe, he just looks defeated. 

“I need to stop having expectations. You shatter each and every one.” 

The cheeky wink you direct at him doesn’t seem to cheer him up in the slightest. 

“It’s my specialty.” 

Eclipse has tasted many a lemon today thanks to you, it seems. 

“I’m leaving.”

He turns where he stands, expression still sour, and moves to open the door. That gets you moving, too. 

“Wait, one sec!” 

The door stays open at a crack as you dash over to the desk, hoping there’s something to write there. You end up in luck. A rough pencil, hidden in a small ridge and looking slightly chewed on, and some yellowed paper stacked in the corner. 

Quickly, you note down a haphazard I.O.U., together with the date you’ve seen printed on some newspapers now. There’s little else to write - “thanks for making sure I don’t end up homeless after appearing out of thin air and screaming at you” seems a bit wordy - but you feel like he’ll appreciate having a physical favor to cash in. 

Skipping over to the door does mean you nearly trip over the chair, and have to steady both it and yourself for a moment. Your leg and side complain where you’ve hit them against the wood, and you wince slightly. You’ll have to get used to the small space. 

For now, you finish your step and wave the note in Eclipse’s direction. He takes it with a frown. Probably best to explain before he can somehow turn it into an offense. 

“Here, for that favor. I guess I can only offer friendship, and the professor, but if you do ever need either you know where to find me. You can also show this to your boss, maybe, if they decide to make a stink over you being late.” 

Because you did end up occupying a lot of his time today. You don’t know enough about his job, given that you never asked, to know how much trouble he got himself into just to stop you from spiraling. All your pestering aside, you don’t want him to regret that. 

Eclipse stares. His expression keeps shifting, and you end up somewhat concerned before he settles on a mild frown. The note he pockets carefully - you don’t hear the paper crinkle as he slides it into his coat.

“You’re strange.” 

Without a care for what could be considered an insult, you take the two steps to cross the room back over to the bed.

“Would be rather boring otherwise, no?” 

You drop onto the mattress, doing your best not to mind the squeaky springs - gift horses, and all that. With a grin his way you let yourself fall backwards. There’s not a lot of room to spread your arms, and the angle is off, but after a day of stress and running after a cactus on stilts it’s soft as a cloud. You even end up closing your eyes in a sigh. 

There’s an exasperated echo from the door.

“Right, I’ll get to work then.” 

The dismissal is obvious, and you crack open one eye just to wave at him. If the lazy twitch of your arm even counts as such. 

“Great, have fun! I’ll lick my wounds, or something.” 

Actually, maybe your eyelids are still too heavy. Just lying there sounds great for now. Everything else can wait until after a nap, maybe. 

You haven’t heard the door shut yet. 

“Your what?”

Eclipse is granted a spectacular view of your double chin, given that you’re entirely too lazy to actually sit up. He doesn’t seem to care. The pinprick pupils aren’t a good look for him. They startle you into honesty.

“Uh, yeah, I mean I’m pretty sure you bruised my shoulder.” 

That was… sure a way to go about it. A very, very blunt one, unfortunately. 

Whatever goes on in his head, you wonder if the journey his facial expression takes you on depicts it all. His eyes flash darkly twice before he chokes out a response. 

“I have to go now.”

And then he’s gone. The door shakes slightly at the force with which he closes it. 

Because you mentioned the bruises? In bad taste, you’ll admit, after all the help he offered you, but it’s not like you mind them. You’re pretty sure your run in with the chair left you just as bruised, not to mention all the mystery bruises you already have. The shoulder doesn’t even hurt anymore either. 

But it doesn’t feel like he was reacting to the bad manners. You don’t know him, really, so what was going on in that head of his?

Curious, you heave yourself back up, first on your lower arms, and then into a sitting position. Did he… 

You narrow your eyes, and investigate. Tip toeing for no reason other than feeling like the pink panther, you make your way over to the door. From afar, it could have been the light, or a strange texture to the handle - but brushing over it with your fingers makes the dents undeniable. Your shoulder got off easy, then. 

Something tells you that Eclipse wouldn’t take that as reassurance. 

Your hand lingers on the dented metal. 

On impulse, you turn and bound over to the window. It’s stuck, and you have to throw your whole weight into it, but it opens with a pop - and when you stick out your head to look down, golden eyes furrowed in confusion meet yours. 

A fun perspective, seeing him from above.

You grin. Cheerfully, and loudly, you call out to him, waving the “injured” arm for emphasis.

“Hey! Big, scary Eclipse! Thank you!” 

The startled expression morphs into something unpleasant again, but you don’t mind it at all. If he has no friends, you bet he’s not used to gratitude either. Even gratitude tinged with a tease. 

He draws a finger past his thin neck in a choppy motion before he stalks off, pointedly not looking up. That’s just fine by you. 

You’re pretty sure he can hear you laughing. 

[dioles-writes]

“HOWARD RESTALL”

Masterlist | Credits go to @jiphenn | Characters: Felix (he/him), Bliss (she/her), Akali (he/him), Winola (she/her), Cora (she/her), January (he/him), Alzena (she/her), Maddox (he/him), Adelio (they/he), Avil (she/her), Wilder (he/him), Mr Prader (he/him), Howard Restall (he/him)

Bliss and Akali were waiting outside for Felix as he made his way out of the bakery, bright and early as always. “Good morning!” Bliss greeted him happily, flashing him a smile. Akali was less enthusiastic, mumbling a “morning” in his usual monotone, along with a half-wave.

“Morning!” Felix grinned at them, hopping down the steps and joining the two as they started on the rest of their walk to school. “Are you guys ready to see Howard Restall?!”

They both nodded in response, although Akali seemed much more indifferent to the whole ordeal. Felix definitely wasn’t. He had been trying to hide it, but he’d spent the night restless, absolutely terrified of actually seeing the man in person. He was practically shaking at just the thought of it. Nevertheless, he continued on like it was a perfectly normal day, smiling like Howard Restall wasn’t the one person that scared him the most, the one person who had, inconsequently, made his life a literal hell. The one person that held the most power over him, over his family. The one person he would have rathered going his whole entire life without meeting.

“I can’t believe we’re actually going to meet him. Like… Howard Restall. The Howard Restall.” He murmured.

“I wonder what he’s here for.” Bliss said curiously.

“Me too! Do you think he’s investigating? Maybe he heard about a group of Dioles.” Felix was rambling, his anxiety getting the best of him. On a regular day there would have been no way he’d even suggest something like that, something that could be directly tied back to the Board Game Club, to him, but right now it was taking all he had to not fall apart, the sinking feeling in his stomach becoming harder to ignore the closer they got to the school. “Maybe he’s going to uncover them!”

“Imagine a group of Dioles living right under your nose! Like talking to them every day and then finding out they’re Dioles!” Bliss said, which made Akali and Felix laugh, the two of them giving each other a knowing look over her head. No statement had ever been more ironic.

“I know, right? That’d be insane.” Felix grinned at her. “I couldn’t imagine knowing an actual Diole. Maybe they have different thought processes and stuff. I heard they’re automatically more aggressive.”

“Imagine if like…” Bliss paused, thinking for a second. “January Restall was a Diole. Wouldn’t that be weird? Considering the odds there’s probably at least like ten Dioles at our school. Maybe Howard Restall is trying to find them.”

“Imagine being a Diole when your father created Diole Eradication? That’d be so fucked up.”

They crossed onto the street, the school appearing before them. Well that, and also the millions of shiny black limousines parked all down the road, blocking any type of traffic from passing by. The three friends themselves could barely even walk through, a hoard of reporters and paparazzi clicking away at different flashy cameras and swarming each student that tried to make their way into the building, shooting questions in rapid-fire. Felix glanced around, eyes widening at the sight before them. This was definitely a first for their shitty broken-down school. “Woah…” He murmured, in awe.

“Oh wow, that’s a lot of people.” Akali muttered.

“Is that Winola?” Bliss said, pointing to a girl who stood a few feet away.

Felix almost didn’t notice her. She was practically being engulfed by reporters, each of them pushing and shoving against her, backing her even further away from the school as they interrogated her. It looked like they were trying to blind her, their cameras all flashing only inches away from her face. She was wearing her usual dead expression, looking deeply unimpressed, like she would have preferred death over this. “Little girl, how do you feel being in the presence of Howard Restall?” A reporter shouted, louder than the rest, forcing his microphone right against her lips. Winola didn’t respond to him, acting as if he wasn’t even there, and just kept trying to push past. Although, she wasn’t having much luck, seeing as she was five zero and probably a hundred pounds, and they were all taller and stronger than her.

After a few more tries she sighed, the sound echoing through all the microphones. “Can you please move?”

A camera was literally shoved against her cheek. They were completely overpowering her now, the crowd of reporters growing even larger by the minute, pushing and shoving and screaming. Winola squared her jaw, blowing a few strands of hair out of her face and glaring up at the reporters. “Can you please move?” She repeated, evidently annoyed.

“Little girl, are you aware that this man saved your life?” The reporter shouted again, practically sticking the mic into her mouth.

“Please move.” Winola said through gritted teeth, still stubbornly trying to make it through and just get to school.

“It is reported that Howard Restall’s son also goes here, is that true?”

Winola shrugged, not caring in the slightest for their questions.

“Do you have any clue who Howard Restall really is?”

That just got another shrug out of her.

All the reporters gasped. “Howard Restall, forty-one years old, male, no spouse, one child, Founder and Head of Diole Eradication.” They started to recite a full-blown history lesson. “Howard Restall formed the Diole Eradication in 1996, at the young age of twenty-six. He created the act after seeing the horribly high crime rates, and after the disappearance of his childhood friend Vincent. Five years after the birth of their son, Restall’s wife also disappeared.”

“Why are you talking to me for when you could be interviewing Howard Restall?” Winola snapped.

“He’s gone inside the building already.” One of the reporters retorted sassily.

“Well, can you please leave me be?” Winola huffed, ramming all her weight into the wall of paparazzi, attempting to plow them over. (Which was of course, to no luck.)

“We should probably help her out now.” Felix said finally, ending the three from their shocked gawking at all the commotion. “Rescue her from all those stupid reporters.”

“Wow, so heroic.” Akali said with a joking smirk. Felix grinned at him and made his way across the street, forcing his way through the crowd and sidling right up next to Winola. The reporters all eagerly made room for him, and at once there were at least twenty microphones shoved in his face, all fighting for dominance over each other. “Young man, how do you feel that Howard Restall is in your school at this very moment?” Someone shouted, their camera flashing at his face.

Felix gave them his signature charismatic smile, making sure they caught his good side. “Wow… I’m in awe. Truly.” He said, really getting into the act. “To think Howard Restall is in my high school right now? It’s really mind blowing. Just the thought of being able to meet him, I mean- Wow.”

“Are you aware of the rumours that Howard Restall’s son goes to your school?”

Felix gasped in mock shock, even bringing up a hand to his mouth for added effect. “Really?! It’s always been a dream of mine to meet a Restall.” He gushed.

“Why do you think Howard Restall is here today?”

“No clue. But I heard there were Dioles hiding close by the school, so maybe he’s checking out that.”

“Where did you hear that from?” Someone else shouted.

“I have my sources.”

“Like what?” There were five microphones pressed into his face all at once.

“You know, the neighbourhood gossip.” Felix shrugged. “Who knows if it’s true though. Then again, there was that group they found in that cabin last week.”

“Young man, how has Howard Restall changed your life?” Another reporter asked, waving their mic around.

“Honestly, he has given me so much inspiration. My parents were murdered by Dioles when I was just a baby and growing up has been so hard, knowing that these monsters are still out there…” He choked up with fake emotion, placing a hand over his heart in dramatics. “But Howard Restall has given me hope that one day our world can be at peace.”

“What a touching story. May we get your name, young man?”

“Felix Rodriguez.” Felix gave the cameras a winning smile.

“Thank you for your words.” They finally left, going over to swarm some other person like a pack of rabid dogs. Felix skipped on over to Akali and Bliss, who were waiting for him after saving Winola, standing slightly away from the crowd with bemused looks. “Wow, your first TV appearance!” Bliss cheered.

“And it’s you trauma dumping.” Akali added.

“It’s barely trauma. That was just to spice the interview up.” Felix grinned.

“Where do you think he’s going to be?” Bliss asked, starting to walk once again.

“Well we’re having an assembly, right? That’s what Mr. Prader said.”

“Oh yeah, half the school is going first period and the other half is going second period. When are you guys going?”

“Second.” Felix replied. “You?”

“First.”

“First!”

Felix sighed. Of course. He was going to be stuck with January with his creepy trances and Howard Restall all second period. “We’ll tell you how it is!” Bliss said as they approached the school, holding the door open for the two of them.

The three stepped through the doors, finally laying their eyes on the mass security.

It was packed. There were guards lined up and down each of the halls, covered head to toe in protective gear, their uniforms adorned with weaponry, shiny guns held close to their chests. Their eyes flickered towards the three of them, watching their every move, completely stony-faced. “Wow, they really went all out…”

“Well, it is Howard Restall.” Akali said. “He’s probably on every Dioles hit list.”

“Good morning Felix.” Ms. Cora said, passing by them while patrolling. Felix turned to give her a smile, only to find himself staring at the largest gun he had ever seen in his entire life. It was impossibly shiny and pink, strapped close to Ms. Cora’s chest. She smiled.

Felix’s eyes widened, dread sinking in even further. “Morning.” He replied quickly, internally panicking.

“I told you she was armed.” Bliss whispered.

“Yeah.” Felix whispered back. “Oh my god…”

The bell rang, pulling Felix’s thoughts to a much more boring but equally dreadful topic: Chemistry. He gave a slight sigh. “Well, I gotta get to Chem now, so bye!”

“Byeee!”

“Bye.”

He headed down the hall, turning into his science class, where he found January sitting in their usual spot. “Hey,” Felix said, dumping his bag on the floor and taking his seat next to him. “Did you see all those reporters outside?”

“Yeah, there sure is a lot!” January said, glancing up from his phone.

“Have you seen your dad yet?”

He shook his head no.

“Are you nervous?” Felix pressed, so nervous himself that he was practically shaking.

January thought for a minute. “A little.”

“Did any of the reporters stop you? There was a whole crowd blocking the doors, I even had to rescue Winola.”

“No, I came in extra early through one of the back doors.”

“Oh.” Felix nodded, tapping his fingers anxiously on the edge of his desk. “I have them a whole story. I’ll probably make the news!”

He froze, the realization of what that actually meant hitting him like a truck. He slowly turned to face January, eyes wide with fear. “Oh my god. I’ll probably make the news.”

January stared at him like he was crazy. “Isn’t that what you wanted if you gave them a story?”

“My sister is going to murder me!”

“Then why’d you talk about it?” January asked, amazed by his pure stupidity.

“I don’t know!” Felix shrieked, horrified with himself. “I was trying to keep them off my back. Also, I’ve never been on the news before! But now I’m going to be on the news. I gave them my full name!” Felix’s mood rapidly switched, going between absolutely panicked and excited at the attention. “But maybe it’ll work in my favour! OR I’LL BE DEAD BY TOMORROW BECAUSE I WENT ON THE NEWS AND MY SISTER IS ALREADY PISSED AT ME.”

“Well it won’t air until tonight so you’ll have some time to prepare.”

“Oh my god. That’s worse!” Felix gripped January’s shoulders, looking at him petrified with fear. “Then I’ll be home. And she can just murder me right there!”

“Just have a sleepover at Akali’s house.”

“Practically his whole family hates me.” Felix sighed, slumping back in his chair.

“Oh.”

“And his little sister tried to kill me.”

“Oh!”

Felix put his head in his hands in utter despair. “But technically I was helping myself by going on the news, right?! So she can’t be mad!”

“Yeah, I’m sure she won’t be mad!” January said reassuringly, patting his back.

“No!” Felix looked even more terrified. “She’s gonna be. She’s crazy!”

“Just tune it out!”

“She’s going to beat me. She’ll strangle me!”

“She won’t!” January continued to pat his back and reassure him, despite the fact that he was definitely under more pressure.

“You don’t know that! You’ve never even met her properly. Howard Restall ruined everything.”

“Everything’s not ruined!”

Felix sighed loudly.

The rest of the morning passed by surprisingly normally, Chemistry for once flying by. Finally, an announcement crackled through the speakers: “All period two students going to the assembly please make your way to the main gym.”

Felix glanced at January nervously, standing up alongside him. His expression was completely neutral, not showing any sort of indication to what he might be thinking. Slowly, they followed the crowd, making their way towards the main gym.

January didn’t look to Felix once.

A tall, mean-looking security guard loomed over them as they approached the doors, his gaze cold. “ID please.”

They both fished out their ID’s, handing them over. Security throughly scanned through their ID’s before nodding and letting them through. Slowly, the two of them made their way into the gymnasium.

Security inside was even more packed than outside. Guards lined the walls, all standing in a tight row. Even more were positioned at the end of each of the bleachers, unmoving, guns held tight to their chests. Two guards took up spots beside Felix and January, marching them to the very front row.

There he was. The man himself.

Howard Restall.

He was silently sitting there, observing everyone. Felix kept his face completely neutral, bowing his head, trying to hunch down and become invisible - just for this once, disappear, but his flashy outfit drew the man’s attention. He locked eyes with him, mint-green eyes glaring into his brown ones, as he stared at Felix with a stoic expression. He could feel the same aura that January had radiating off of him: pure bloodlust.

Felix swallowed, forcing himself to stay calm under his piercing stare, and finally Howard Restall looked away, as Felix wasn’t worth his gaze.

It was as if a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders. He sighed slightly in relief, following January down the row as he took a seat next to Adelio and Maddox. Winola and Alzena joined them, Alzena sitting beside him and Winola squishing onto the edge of the bench.

“Hi guys!” Someone said from behind them. Avil sat behind them, followed by Wilder. Felix gave her a small wave, his whole body tense with fear.

Slowly more people continued to flood into the gym, until finally, Mr. Prader walked up to the front and spoke into the mic. “Good morning students and staff.”

“Today we have a very special guest, Howard Restall.” Everyone clapped. “Before we start our presentation, let us rise for the national anthem.”

Everyone stood, and Mr. Prader cleared his throat, bursting into song, leading all of them with his heavenly voice. He sang the last note and everyone burst into applause.

“Now… I would like to introduce the Head of Diole Eradication, Howard Restall.” The audience burst into applause once again.

Howard Restall slowly stood up from his seat, going to stand in front of the mic. “Good morning everyone.” He said in a smooth, gentle voice. “I’m happy to be here with all of you today to share special news.” He gave the crowd a smile.

Felix glanced at January, so nervous he was practically sweating. January stared straight ahead at his dad, mesmerized by his appearance.

“But before I do, I have a question to ask you all.” Howard Restall looked around at all the different faces in the crowd, eyes flickering from student to student.

“How many of you have lost a loved one? Whether it be family, friend, or neighbour?” He paused. “Now I’d like you to raise your hand if that applies to you.”

Alzena, Wilder, Maddox, Adelio, and Felix raised their hands. “Now keep your hands up if it was due to a Diole attack or any circumstances involving a Diole.” Alzena and Wilder put their hands down but Adelio, Felix, and Maddox kept them up.

“If we look at the amount of people who raised their hands, 3/4 of the deaths in this area have been a result of Diole violence and crimes.” Howard Restall continued. “As we can see, there are no real ways that we can prevent a sudden Diole attack. Because of this, my team and I have been working on a way to identify Dioles before they can attack.”

Howard Restall pulled out a pure black briefcase. He opened it, pulling out and revealing a syringe filled with a deep purple liquid. “Dividen. A serum that can detect Dioles.” The purple colour was bright and alluring, in a sickening way. “This serum is able to detect the gene ‘Diaphantine’ in people, which is a gene that only Dioles possess.” He slowly moved the syringe around, flashing it towards each side of the audience.

“Once injected with this serum, the fluids will attack the gene. As a result of this, the Diole will die after around five minutes of being injected.” He declared, voice low.

The crowd went dead silent.

Felix turned to January with wide eyes, but January’s gaze was locked on his father.

“And we’ll be trying them out today!” Howard Restall cheered.

January still wouldn’t look at Felix.

“We’ll start with the front row.” Howard Restall started to approach them, the heels of his shoes clicking against the laminate floor. In the dead silence of the gymnasium, it was the only sound to be heard.

He turned to the person on the end of the row…

Winola.

He loomed over her, the purple liquid of the syringe glistening under the luminescent lights. Slowly and carefully, he pushed back the sleeve of her sweater, holding the needle against her forearm. The entire gym could feel the intense aura surrounding Howard Restall, like he was actually going to snap her neck rather than stick a needle in her.

“Just kidding!” He pulled the needle away and laughed. “The vaccines still need a little more research, so all you Dioles in here are safe.” He said, going back to his place at the front.

“The release date of the vaccine is January of next year. But due to this news the GDEO suspects there will be a rise in Diole crime rates and attacks. Even after the release of the vaccine, not all Dioles will happily comply.” He said, looking around again. “So due to this, I have created these.”

He pulled out another item from the briefcase. A bullet, also purple in colour. “Can anyone guess what makes this bullet stand out from the others?”

Everyone was silent.

“Wow, a quiet audience. Am I really that scary?” He said with a laugh, like he wasn’t the Head of Diole Eradication.

“Well. As you can see with the similarity in colour, these bullets contain the same serum that is in the vaccines. If a Diole is shot with one of these bullets, it will be guaranteed to kill them.” He hummed, playing with the bullet. “These also are still being tested, and likely won’t be distributed until late January to early February.”

Howard Restall continued to talk more about Diole safety statistics and gun safety, droning on like any other assembly they had. It was just like a regular speaker, except for the fact that this was Howard Restall. He went on to talk about boring business economics and Diole stuff. But Felix was barely listening anymore. His head was spinning, fear freezing him in place.

Blood rushed in his ears. His heart was beating so hard he could swear that it was going to leap right out of his chest. Fear tightened around his lungs, his breaths coming out as shaky little huffs. He tightened his grip on the bench, hands beaded with sweat.

Despite knowing all of this information for over a week, Felix couldn’t believe his ears. There was something about sitting here, staring up at the Head of Diole Eradication, the sickening violet liquid of the syringe glaring down at him, that made his situation a thousand times more real.

Five minutes.

That’s all it would take. Five minutes… and then, it’d be over. Nothing would matter. He knew the vaccine was dangerous, he knew it would’ve torn his life apart, but not like this. Not to this extent.

His life really was in January’s hands. If he couldn’t manage to hack their files, then that would really mean…

He was going to die.

“Thank you for listening.” Howard Restall’s voice pulled him from his spiralling thoughts, interrupting any more of his stressing. “I hope to see most of you when the vaccine comes out.” He smiled before sitting back down.

One by one they all stood up and left out the door, leaving January sitting on the edge of the bench, eyes still helplessly locked on his father.

Winola belongs to @sleepsloooop | Bliss, Akali, Cora, January, Alzena, Maddox, Adelio, Avil, Wilder, Mr Prader, and Howard Restall belong to @jiphenn

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2019 Got so much catching up to do that I guess now is a good time to do it while Tom is napping before I fall further behind.

Yet another state has criminalized abortion, demanding doctors re-implant ectopic pregnancies, or else doctors will be labeled murderers. Has this country lost its fucking mind that now people’s thirst for power and control will introduce laws demanding the impossible? What’s next, demanding short people be stretched up tall or some crazy shit like that?

As soon as Tom got in on Wednesday afternoon, we were able to change my phone number via live chat. I was worried at first that we’d have to wait till Monday and I wanted to beat the nut job’s little “deadline.” I swear, though, Americans need to do more for each other. Trying to talk to people with accents that are very hard to understand and that don’t write very well really gets old. Nonetheless, the woman we talked to, which was probably somewhere in India, managed to give me a new number that is easier to remember. I’ve changed it on the important sites and given it to Aly, Kim and Dixie. Gotta laugh to myself, as much as it was a pain in the ass to change the number in some places, knowing how pissed the termite is going to be the next time it tries to call which probably wasn’t yesterday but likely this morning.

I refuse to let myself worry about her shit and her twisted kids anymore. Yes, I could forever kick myself for taking her back in my life same as for going to court after she helped pave the way for the race card-playing, vengeful freeloaders to wreak havoc on my life at which time I should have definitely learned my lesson as to the amount of trouble she can cause when she doesn’t like what you have to say. But I’m moving on. If they can’t do the same, that’s on them. I’ve done what the experts recommend by completely ignoring them and saving all the evidence of their shit and that’s it.

Out of curiosity, since I had my doubts, I looked up whether or not a statement can be given by phone and that’s almost never done. Occasionally they’ll do video statements but that’s usually only for minors in sexual abuse cases. Not a grown woman I haven’t had any contact with in a decade. I’m a little surprised there hasn’t been any email or postal mail. Maybe the email blocks work better than I gave them credit for and maybe she really did lose our address even though I would think anyone could find that out easily enough. The US does not value its privacy at all.

Moving on. Spent most of yesterday breaking in the new computer and it’s definitely going to take some serious getting used to. Been calling this one Winnie and my old one Mackey. It’s easier than referring to them as the Windows computer or the Mac, LOL. There is still a lot of setting up and configuring to do. Just logging in to all my accounts is quite a task because each one has a different password. I’ve also decided that even though a break-in is very unlikely, I would add a password to unlock the computer altogether so that no one could ever get my list of passwords and tamper with any online accounts.

This computer is definitely faster and has some features I like and don’t like. Part of me wishes I’d gotten another Mac, but I’ll get used to this in time. I find some things are easier to do and some aren’t. I don’t think its built-in voice typist is any better than the Mac’s. Google is still the most accurate.

Wednesday was totally annoying around here. Instead of getting planes, there were tons of landscaping sounds on and off all day. Thursday, we switched to planes.

Also, the mama’s boy came for a visit on Wednesday and surprised me by not coming around yesterday. I dread the day they start coming and going several times a day whether they sleep here or not! Their absence is part of why I’ve been sleeping better. I would have to have the sound machine louder than I could stand and that still wouldn’t drown that thing out because that’s how loud it is. It’s worse than a motorcycle.

Other than planes, Thanksgiving was surprisingly quiet. Bob said that for the first time in 67 years, they were going elsewhere for Thanksgiving. Now we’re back to the usual landscaping and loud trash trucks.

Tom and I have been enjoying some relaxation and good food when we’re not working on electronics-related stuff. He made us a nice bacon-wrapped steak and mashed potatoes dinner. I guess we’re just not as concerned as we should be about our weight, LOL.

One of the features I actually like on my new computer is that it has an app for Netflix, so you don’t have to watch in a browser. I’m finishing up a movie called Awake. I won’t dare watch American Son. It’s just another show to make whites look bad. Really getting sick of all these shows that portray blacks as victims and whites as the bad guys but that’s just the times we’re living in. If you’re white, everything is your fault. So what if the reality is that there’s good and bad in all kinds?

Didn’t get any sales or borrows yesterday or the day before due to the holiday, but Renting Ginny was borrowed today. Royalties are now at $36.74.

Tom was looking around for what deals they had before I got up and we decided that since there weren’t any good deals on phones except for new customers, we’ll keep our phones for another year.

He did find something that looks better than Fitbit by somebody called MorePro. We’re both looking forward to it because we kind of missed having a Fitbit even though wearing it too long could get kind of uncomfortable for me. This one does more than just HR and steps. It checks for sleep apnea, is waterproof, and has an EKG and blood pressure monitor which is good for someone like me that’s prone to heart problems.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2019 Termite Tammy and her little sarahsite have been better behaved lately but I don’t know how long it will last. With my birthday coming up, they may find that a great time to give me a “present,” but nothing they can do can influence my life as long as they stay away from my books. Amazon is on to them now, though.

They will continue not to hear from me. They’re too stupid and too stubborn to ever see the error of their ways and just how delusional and misguided they truly are anyway. You can’t reason with people like that. I’m still amazed by the sarahsite’s blindness for insisting I’m like my mother. SMH Like a 300-pound person telling a 100-pound person they’re fat. It’s like, hello, Sarah! But then if anyone were to point out how similar she is to her own mother she’d only take it as a compliment. I’m sure she’s proud to be the same dumbass, vengeful bitch her mother is. She and her mother, along with her sisters, will always try to turn the tables and turn things around to make it look like they’re the victims and everyone else is wrong. Anyone who dares to confront them as I did automatically have a mental illness and they absolutely must be having a breakdown, too. I mean, what else could it be, right?

Everyone is different as to how much value they’re willing to put in biology. For me, if you’re not someone I would be friends with, then it doesn’t matter if you’re related to me or not. Treat me like shit and I’m gone.

Maybe they’ll get to read all about it someday after I’m gone. I’m a little hesitant to leave my journals in cyberspace after my demise because I know I’ve said some things that Aly would certainly find hurtful and offensive. But then I don’t know that we’ll be friends all my life and I can’t possibly know what she may or may not take offense to. Maybe she’ll look back on some of the stuff I wrote pertaining to her and just laugh. Or maybe not. I certainly don’t want her to be upset by anything she may read after I’m gone, of course, but I’ll take my chances. Rather than decide for her what might bother her, she can just not read anything she may not like. I mean once I’m dead she can’t dump me or anything for it anyway. But no, I don’t want to upset her and I hope that if she ever reads this she’ll know that and that her last name will never be mentioned either. We all write shit in the heat of the moment and it’s in the past.

Anyway, Renting Ginny got borrowed even before Termite Tammy’s revenge review was deleted, and then someone later bought it.

I was the runner-up winner for 40% off of office organizers, but there’s nothing we really need or want at the moment.

We’ve had wind and rain since yesterday afternoon. It’s a nice change but I hate the cold. I’m enjoying the break from the planes as well. The wind is flowing southerly which is probably why I’m not hearing them. it seems that when the wind is flowing to the north is when they’re an annoyance. They have to take off in the direction the wind flows and unfortunately, it flows northerly quite often. But they don’t have to fly over us and I still don’t know why they started to do so last year. I’m guessing that they racked up a whole shitload of complaints. I wonder how many complaints they’ll have to get from the people in this area before they change directions again. The thing is we’re nowhere near the airport. It’s like they’re taking forever to ascend or are making a wider arc. They’re only a few thousand feet up. I can make out the engines easily.

In light of the shit that’s gone down with the trio of drama queens, I had a brief moment where I considered ghosting Dixie before she could possibly get a chance to screw me over in any way. It’s so true that the best way to look out for yourself is to avoid others. But I knew I would have felt guilty, Dixie is nothing like the parasites, and she’s been a great friend so far. So I spent nearly a couple of hours chatting with her. I told her about the family drama too, because I knew that if anyone would understand, it would be her.

She didn’t ask me to help her organize her closet, but I pulled in some furniture cushions that were outdoors before the rain could get to them and pushed tables and chairs back against the house for her. I also rolled up a small outdoor rug for her and put it where it couldn’t get rained on.

After she made me the shittiest cup of coffee I’ve had in a long time, (I’m Keurig spoiled, LOL), she mentioned being short on mugs, so I went and fetched her three mugs that the last people left here. We have so damn many that while I was doing her a favor, she was doing me a favor by de-cluttering the cabinet a bit where I keep the mugs.

I said hello to “Santa” along the way. So glad they don’t live next to us! They’re literally outside every day, all day long. They’re always doing something.

Slept with Alexa playing pink noise since I’m going to bed later. Once I’m back to sleeping most of the day, it will be back to having her play brown noise along with the stereo’s white noise. When the mama’s boy comes back to either live here or live here without sleeping here, Alexa alone won’t be enough.

It’s an exciting time now. We don’t celebrate holidays but we’re not only looking forward to the time off, but the things were getting. My incense came after I crashed yesterday and I’m enjoying that now. As always, they threw in some extras which is always a nice surprise.

Originally, my new computer was set to be delivered Saturday but it’s coming today instead. So I’m pretty excited even though it’s always a bit of a pain in the ass to break in a new computer and configure things just right. Plus, I have to learn the new way of using Windows. I’ve been used to Macs and their setup for so long. No more Safari either. I guess Window’s thing these days is Edge. I’m still going to have my Mac; it’s just going to be semi-retired. I’m only going to use it for doing puzzles on the treadmill and it will be hooked to a cable so I can project exercise vids on the projection screen.

Still not looking forward to turning 54 at all, knowing how unlucky the number 4 is. Pretty much every age of my childhood was shitty. When I was 24, my asthma was at its worst and I was really beginning to realize that life isn’t what we plan it. At 34, I was in jail. Most of my forties sucked, especially ages 48-49.

I’ve seen the same pattern with years that have fours in them. We got married in 1994 which was great, but we had financial and neighbor problems. Plus, I was dealing with the fact that being DES-exposed really did sterilize me and I hated the fact that I felt like I had my choice taken away from me.

In 2004 we lost our house and in 2014, my medication damn near killed me. Sure made me feel like it was going to, anyway.

With the exception of having to go to jail for something I never did, I’d say the best years of my life were probably between the ages of 26-39. I guess it depends on how you look at it because technically, present days could be considered the best. It’s noisy, it’s cold, I’m fat, and I’ve got shitty vision. But everything else is pretty damn good if not downright great. We’re both healthy, we have a roof over our heads, a job that pays well and provides benefits, good neighbors, and lots more.

Speaking of noise, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. My God, this guy in back of us really can’t take a break, can he? Got up to see what all the slamming was about and there are two Fire & Water damage vans there. It’s only seven-thirty for fuck’s sake! I’m sure they’ll be there all day. This guy’s got to be prepping to sell. There are just too many projects going on back there lately. Really hope yesterday’s rain didn’t cause his roof to leak because that likely means that I’ll have to listen to a new roof being pounded out next. No way I could sleep through that either. It’s much too close to the bedroom. For now, I really hope they won’t be slamming in and out of their vans, sawing and hammering all day.

Dyed my hair a couple of days ago and realized I could go back to using Just for Men since I’ve been keeping my hair shoulder-length. It takes half the time and isn’t nearly as smelly.

Because I’ve been sleeping better, I’ve only been remembering bits and pieces of dreams that mostly make no sense. I dreamt of walking through the park which looked different. An old single-wide with a dumpy door stood up high on a hill or some other building.

I suddenly felt tired and decided to lie down on the ground at the side of the road between a house or building and some trees. When I woke up later, I noticed a black and white fluffy tail sticking up out of leaves just a few feet away and knew it was a skunk. Fearing I would be sprayed, I slowly rose and crossed the street.

In another dream, I stole someone’s guinea pig because it seemed to be really mellow and friendly.

Later…

Sighs with frustration So much for the termite behaving. Here’s the latest transcript:

“jody I’m telling you don’t think I am just blowing smoke up my […] I don’t hear from tom by Sunday you’ll be hearing from your local police department because I’ve already contacted them and asked them questions through our police department meeting with myself and Becky and Sarah and getting a statement over the phone from Lisa. So you see I’m not screwing around. I want tom to know exactly what’s happened once again instead of your dirty outright letter sent to children that I read I never thought you would send them letters of that magnitude I wouldn’t given it to them but now you’re into the tax while your record that they already have. This is going to be a piece of cake. So don’t think I’m screwing around. I either speak with tom. You want to be on the phone that’s fine but you will allow us to talk.

First of all, Lisa has nothing to do with this. Although I mentioned her, I shared the group message with Tammy, Becky and Sarah. Not Lisa. I didn’t know how to contact her.

I don’t know what the hell dirty letters were supposed to be sent to children. Besides, her brats aren’t kids anymore and haven’t been in over a decade. So I don’t know why I’m suddenly hearing about this now or what the hell that one is about. I don’t acknowledge her by actually listening to the voice messages. The transcripts are showing just how crazy and vindictive she is all by themselves. Before now I would have said she wasn’t crazy, just mean. Well, she’s obviously delusional if she thinks I would send children dirty letters. That’s just plain old crazy. If she’s talking about in the 90s when we would exchange postal letters, I’ve sent some that were angry but never was anything literally “dirty.” So I don’t get how she thinks she’s going to nail me with letters I never sent over 20 years ago.

She also obviously doesn’t realize, or want to, that I don’t have a record. If the prank phone calls weren’t expunged and I wasn’t vindicated for Arizona, I couldn’t have gotten in here, with Jesse, or the Oregon property company.

If she really did run to the police and isn’t just bluffing, any decent cop is going to see that she has no case. Someone with some serious power and control would literally have to fabricate some form of evidence out of thin air, but what have I been saying ever since I walked out of jail 19 years ago? Yep, you guessed it. I will always ignore any possible future subpoenas unless I’m either a plaintiff or a witness. Unless someone kicks the door down and drags me to jail and then court, she can do what she wants as long as she stays away from my books!

Really hope Tom’s right when he says no cops are coming, no subpoena is coming, and yes, she really will go away someday. Really hope she’s just trying to threaten me into calling so she can scream at me directly or bash me to Tom because I dared call them out on their BS and dumped them. If I feel you’re detrimental to my psyche or health, you’re out of my life whether you’re related or not.

It’s just hard not to be paranoid after the way I was legally screwed in the past, just as I’d be paranoid to start a new medication. I just hope there’s no way my Facebook message can be altered to make me look bad. I would think Facebook keeps copies of what was actually sent. Tom said they can’t alter it.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2019 I’ve had a bit of a stomach bug these last few days that’s been giving me the runs. Could be nerves but I doubt it. Probably something I ate.

I’m getting to really like Amazon. :-) They deleted the drama queen’s review and said not to hesitate to contact them again if there are any additional problems. Oh, I won’t, and sadly, I’m sure there will be. I can see allowing reviews on things like furniture, clothes and electronics, but I really wish they didn’t allow reviews on people’s personal creations. Or at least gave them the option to disallow them.

It’s kind of funny that in stooping to her childish stupidity she put $.39 in my pocket while she was at it, LOL. I just hope she and her mini crazies can finally grow up, move on, and realize that she or anyone she enlists to slam me again is just going to be deleted… After putting a few more cents in my pocket, LOL.

I took down and created a new copy of Campus Games to see if I could shake the negative review off of that.

Her behavior is utterly appalling and very sad, too. Most people change at least a little with age, and I was dumb enough to think she had, but it’s clear that she’ll always have this vicious side to her that I should have been smart enough to see 20 or more years ago. But instead, I was too kind and too forgiving. I could definitely kick myself for not walking away for good in 2000 the same as I could for going to court. Her kids are carbon copies of herself and I can say that I’m virtually certain that none of them will ever breed which is a wonderful thing.

When Tom said he thought I should have walked away in 2000 or sooner since I’d already seen how she can be, I asked him why he didn’t try to discourage me from reconnecting with her a decade ago. He said it was because it was my sister and the decision had to be up to me. Well, there’s absolutely no chance of me ever allowing them back into my life. I feel like such a stupid idiot!

Tom tried to console me with the fact that she’s got financial and health problems, but obviously she’s not sick enough to go on one of her over-the-top reactions to being told something she didn’t want to hear. I’m sure a lot of her illnesses were exaggerated anyway. She’s your classic hypochondriac. She’s far from healthy but I see no reason she doesn’t have just as much of a chance of making it to her eighties as I do.

Meanwhile, today’s discovery was actually left yesterday morning. Sarah created a Facebook account to message me from before turning around and deactivating it. The four wonderful paragraphs that probably took her days to write ended up being filtered out of my inbox.

“ok I understand you have a mental illness and that you are just like your mother. The things you said about me does not hurt or bother me. Yes I’m fat and so aren’t you. I have issues losing weight but I will continue until I get it right. I still have boys who love me for who I am. I just have trust issues hence my last relationship and look at my family. Mostly you and your mother who caused damage. Hey there that saying mother like daughter. That’s you!”

Yeah, everyone she gets pissed at has “mental illness.”

If it didn’t bother her, she wouldn’t have contacted me. And it’s so “are” you.

Yeah, “boys” who love her but not men, right?

So it’s me and my mother who caused her so much damage that she can’t hold a relationship? LOL, that’s a nice one.

As for like mother like daughter, which I believe she’s trying to say, if that’s true then that would make her own mother like my mother, wouldn’t it? Does this idiot realize how demented she sounds? Well, she’s both right and wrong when I think about it. My mother was a sick bitch, but not even she would pull the shit they’ve been pulling. She and her sisters are, however, exact duplicates of their own twisted mother.

“$80 gift basket lol wow. You don’t even remember telling me go ahead have some too. Enjoy you been taking good care of your sister? Of course not. Your going crazy over a $80 gift basket that you should of never sent someone with broken jaw. I would say give me your address I will send you $80 but we all know you wont.”

Of course I expected others to have some of the gift basket, but not most of it like her mother said was the case. If her mother knew how to write properly, I would have known Becky had a broken jaw and I would have sent flowers instead. The address thing is interesting. Hmm… Could the drama queen have lost my address and be unable to find it so she can bitch to Tom about me? I’ll find out today or tomorrow which is when I expect whatever she might send to arrive. Plus, it’s “should have.”

“Its ashame Tom settled for you, because he could of done better then you. He doesnt need this in his life. Just like we never need you. When people ask me do I have any aunts. I say my dad sister we don’t talk much. And my mom side she dead. Nobody knows about you. So you saying my aunts both don’t want me, well what aunts? I only have one and we might of had our differences but she was there for me when I need her during Becky car accident. So I’m ok. You were dead to me like your mother was already dead to me. It’s so funny I remember you telling me how beautiful I am. Asking for hair tips. Now I’m ugly and fat lol”

Gee, that really hurts that people I don’t even know don’t know about me and it’s could “have.”

I never said she was ugly or fat. I said I doubted she was single because of her weight. She does have a beautiful face and I did ask for hair tips, but beauty is only skin deep. If you treat me like shit, it doesn’t matter what your face looks like, it doesn’t matter what your hair looks like, and it doesn’t matter what your size is either.

“Jodi I wish you nothing but the very best. You have no family and that sad but hey you caused it. I hope that your honest with Tom about your latest mental outbreak and have him help you get the help you need. So that you don’t end up in jail or have to move because you harrassment of people is getting you in trouble. The best of luck and I hope you have a great life! Don’t ever contact me again. There is no chance of you ever coming back into my life.”

If no longer pretending I’m okay with something and sharing my honest thoughts, feelings and opinions are what defines a “mental outbreak,” then going mental is a great thing, LOL. And if that counts as “harassment” while threatening voice messages and online trolling doesn’t after I told them I didn’t want to go back and forth with them, then wow.

Bottom line: I didn’t lose them. I freed myself of them and their drama and there will be absolutely no problem at all with never contacting her, her siblings or her mother ever again. She may wish me nothing but the best, but I don’t wish them anything at all. I’ve become that indifferent to these people who will never have what it takes to see their own true colors.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2019 Sold my first copy of The Wrong Sister, and since I know I sure have the wrong sister in real life, I can’t help but wonder if she’s the one that borrowed it just to leave a shitty review. Would she be willing to put money in my pocket in order to slam me? They are in the US, whoever they are. But if Amazon knew Aly was a friend, wouldn’t they know she’s related and prevent her from leaving reviews? Either way, if she were going to choose one of my books so she could bash me, that would be the first title to jump out at her, I would think. Plus, one of the main characters’ names is Lisa. I wouldn’t think she’d read as many pages as they’ve read, though. I would think she’d borrow it without reading more than a page or two to keep a minimal amount of money from ending up in my pocket and then go trash it. Fortunately, you can’t leave a review without making a purchase.

Besides the US, I’ve gotten sales and borrows from the UK, Canada and Germany and it looks like I’ll be able to hit my November goal of $35 easily since I’m now up to $32.

To finally finish with the drama queen trio saga, it started when Tammy shared a picture of her and Sarah on my wall. After dropping numerous hints lately about finding it awkward to hear about those I’m no longer in touch with and hoping I wouldn’t have to spell it out in blunt English and hurt her feelings, and after she was either too stupid or too selfish to get it, I DMd her. I told her look, it’s really hard for me to care about those that don’t care about me. I don’t want to offend you or anything, but I would really like to keep them out of our discussions.

She replied by saying she would, but then guilt-tripped me by saying, “What a shame, I don’t understand, you should want to know what’s going on in the lives of your nieces.”

Now why would I want to know what’s going on in the lives of those that don’t want to know what’s going on in mine and that has shit on me and dumped me? Because we’re related? I’m sorry but biology isn’t enough. That’s like saying I should still respect my mother after all she did to me just because she was my mother. Sure, I’m curious from time to time but that doesn’t mean I want to discuss them.

So yeah, I finally vented things I’ve been keeping to myself for too many years in something like 2600 words. It was long. Like 5 pages. They were aware of some of what I said already. The thing is that I realize that while it might have made me feel a little better to vent, it really doesn’t change anything. They’re never going to get it or agree with anything I said. Sarah did admit that Bill had done some things and that Lisa caused some problems, but basically, the girls’ reply to me was that I’m fucked in the head and I need help. I blocked Tammy before I blocked them.

Never before have I been this embarrassed for, ashamed of, and disgusted where they’re concerned. This is a vivid display of just how immature, vindictive and downright wrong they are with most of what they say, think, and believe. They’re the kind that could rob a bank and then deny it for the rest of their lives, insist they did nothing wrong, and blame others for their actions. They can do no wrong, they’re perfect, and everything is always everyone else’s fault.

I also realized that Tammy is going to defend her brats no matter what. Sarah could shoot me in front of Tammy and she’s still going to blame me and defend her. That’s just how she is.

Although I certainly didn’t want to intentionally offend or hurt anyone, I realized at that point that there was simply no way I could continue any kind of relationship with my sister because I knew I would feel bad either way. I would feel guilty for insisting she didn’t mention them, and I would feel uncomfortable if she did mention them.

When I decided to play the honesty card and realized that sometimes it’s okay to consider ourselves and our own feelings before others, I knew they weren’t going to like or agree with what I had to say. At the time, I thought Becky and Sarah would be more likely to continue to ghost me. But then, after they sent me the quick poorly written paragraph about how fucked in the head they think I am, I thought that would be it but it wasn’t. I had said my piece, and as I told them, I didn’t want to go back and forth with them. There was really nothing more to say anyway.

In a group message, I covered what happened with Lisa a decade ago as well as why I always hated Bill. I didn’t mention that I was vindicated in the end, even though I’ve mentioned it to Tammy before because that vindication came two and a half years too late. It doesn’t matter if you vindicate someone when you don’t pay them back the money they lost and you can never replace the time they lost either or make up for the hell they went through.

Sarah also said in her reply to me that I will “never speak about her father again, I’ve been obsessed with him, it needs to stop today, I need to get over it, the past is the past.”

You don’t “get over” someone that had a major hand in costing you your freedom and thousands of dollars. At least I don’t. You gonna tell a rape victim to “get over” their rapist? I’ve forgiven many people for many different things, but everyone has their limits and he and some others are definitely where I draw the line.

Then the phone harassment began, and I can just imagine the hell the girls’ other aunt must have gone through when she threw them out since she lived in their town if I’m getting all this from across the country. And I actually tried to go easy in my message too, while still being blunt, to the point, and honest. Well, I wouldn’t have bothered had I known they were going to treat me as if I threatened to torture and kill them, and I should have known better, too. I mean, come on. This is a woman who once tried to enlist my and Tom’s help to try to hunt down Lisa’s workplace so Tammy could report her for wearing heels while getting Worker’s Comp for a bad back. If she could spite her own daughter, of course she could spite me, and her daughters have turned out to be a carbon copy of her, thanks to the fine example she’s set. Piss them off and they’re your enemies for life. Any decent mother would tell their kids it’s okay to disagree and be mad at someone, but if you don’t like someone, just ignore them. Related or not, angry or not, she and her brood are vindictive, stupid, emotional, sensitive drama queens I could definitely do without. Any ounce of guilt I may have felt has been stamped out by what they pulled next and God only knows if it’s over yet. Let’s just say that at this point I make no apologies for secretly wishing Tammy had died when she had her heart attack a couple of years ago. If my uncontrollable influencing abilities are what started her health issues a decade ago during the last round of drama, then she’s definitely not going to be feeling too great in the near future.

So after I blocked her and decided to go incognito in as many places as possible, the voice messages began. I never actually listened to them, but I got the gist of what she was saying through the transcripts I read even though they were riddled with errors. In one, she basically cussed me out, called me names, and told me that what I said to the girls was unforgivable.

“I don’t know what lies you’re telling Tom, but I will reach him……I’m (dead?)…watch out…beware…if I reach out to the girls one more time…something about behind bars…I know where you live…I know where Tom works…I’m going to come after you with my girls…we aren’t stopping…we can play your games a lot more than you give us credit for…I’ve done nothing to you…you’ve destroyed anything we ever had.”

Okay, let’s start with Tom. I don’t get that one. Why does she always have to run to him when she gets pissed at me? Reminds me of when Andy would get pissed at me and run to others about our problems. I mean what does she think he’s going to do? Tell her she has a horrible sister and he’ll make sure I behave from now on? She did this back in Maricopa when the shit went down there and sent him a letter defending Bill and threatening bullshit charges, along with telling him about Valleyhead as if he didn’t know and as if that would change anything either way.

Bottom line… He’s NOT on her side.

I went into Tom’s account and blocked the three of them from his account as well, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if a postal letter showed up this time around, too. We both agreed to mark it Return to Sender. I don’t want to acknowledge the letter and give her the attention she craves. I’m surprised I haven’t been slammed with emails yet.

“Does she really know where you work?” I asked Tom who said he didn’t care. I don’t think she knows where he works as I don’t see why I’d mention that to her since she doesn’t live here and wouldn’t know what/where I was talking about, and I hope he’s right in saying that as long as I ignore them this will blow over. Yes, I hope so because after I sent the freeloaders the journals I never denied sending them, I was prepared to walk away and get on with my life but they were the ones that chose to run up behind me, tap me on the shoulder, and keep things going.

“That was different,” he said, and I suppose he’s right because you’re talking about postal mail and then there’s the fact that they weren’t family and they weren’t white either. You don’t even look at a black person wrong in Arizona if you know what’s good for you!

Still, I am a little concerned because even though I know I didn’t do anything illegal, these people don’t give up easily and the harder I make it for them to get to me, the more determined that may make them. These are unfuckingbelievably vindictive people. I wasn’t kidding when I promised myself I would never again take shit without fighting back like I made the huge mistake of doing 20 years ago. Reach far enough into the lion’s den and that lion is going to react and bite you. So if I’m pushed far enough, I’m not going to simply shrug and say, “Oh well. Shit happens. Just gotta make the best of it.”

There are times to ignore and walk away from people and then there are times to act. If they don’t want to suffer for the rest of their lives, they will not back me into a corner.

“We can play your games a lot more than you give us credit for.”

Just what “game” is it that she thinks I’m playing? I told them I was walking away from them and I told them why. I don’t see the “game” in that.

“I’ve done nothing to you.”

I know that’s what they all think and that’s what’s scary; that they’re just not smart enough to see their own faults no matter how in their faces those faults may be.

Then I went to bed and of course they had to haunt my dreams. But interestingly enough, the dream wasn’t bad. I was worried about what they might do in the dream but nothing bad actually happened. Sarah tricked me into going over to Tammy’s place, but once I got there, they didn’t all jump out and beat me up. Tammy had just had a baby and I was saying what a cute little nose it had and that was it.

When I woke up, I found three more voice messages waiting for me. Again, I refused to listen to them. The transcripts said enough. In Tammy’s second message, she bitched about being blocked on Facebook and accused me of not having the balls to pick up the phone.

Being the stupid person my sister is, she isn’t smart enough to know that my not answering wasn’t about not having the balls but about me having said all I had to say and not wanting anything more to do with them. Related or not, angry at them or not, these people are emotional, delusional, and definitely not very bright. They even write like a bunch of fucking kindergarteners. I’m not the brightest person in the world either, and perhaps I’m downright conceited for saying so, but I definitely feel a lot more mature and intelligent than they’ll ever be. Really, if Tammy’s still this hateful, dumb, and vindictive, she always will be. I mean, come on. She left threats in her own voice. Does she think she’s invincible or is she really truly that dumb?

“You could have had three nieces.”

No, I couldn’t, because one could only “move on” if I apologized for some idiotic thing I knew nothing about, and the other two ghosted me for trying to gently steer them onto a more positive path in life, and because of letters I sent their mother in the 90s. Yes, I was guilty of sending her some less-than-kind letters back then, and I have no problem admitting it. I don’t feel I have to lie or deny anything I’ve actually done in life that was wrong or questionable in any way because hey, we all make mistakes. And what can anyone do about it anyway? Come and beat me up? Take my computer away? Ground me?

Well, I’m not perfect but I chose to grow up as best I could. I think it’s pretty safe to say these people have no intention of doing anything remotely similar. This shit reminds me of all the kiddy drama that went on in the 90s between mom, dad, Tammy and Larry. If they want to act like they’re still in high school, let them. I have removed myself from their childish, vengeful little circle for good. I’m done going through drama with them every fucking decade! Year 2000, 2009, 2019. I’m not going to play this game two or three more times before I die!

The third call came from a restricted number with no transcript. The call, which I think was from Sarah, was broken up so I couldn’t make much out and I didn’t want to either. So even though she doesn’t know it, she wasted her breath other than the few words I caught which were “fuck” and “my father.”

Yeah, Sarah, fuck your father.

Then my wonderful sweet niece got to waste her time with another digital rant I never saw one single word of on Pinterest before I blocked the trio there as well. It’s set up where you have to either accept or decline messages, and I declined. You don’t even have to see it.

Tammy’s final voice message was - and I can’t quote the exact words because the transcript didn’t get it all right - she’s gone to the police in her town who will contact the police in my town and that I have until next Sunday to have Tom contact her, especially with what they “found out about two and a half hours ago.” She said that if she doesn’t hear from Tom, the police will be contacted with the girls on Monday, and something about it being no problem with my record.

But I don’t have a record. Sure, information about the joke of a case would still be on record, but if I hadn’t been vindicated in the end, I not only would not be able to live here, but Marianne, Jesse’s sister who made a point of letting us know they would do a background check on us, wouldn’t have let us rent the trailer any more than the rental company would have given us a place up in Oregon.

Even though this is likely when the next long-term crisis would begin now that I’m through the worst of the health issues, I’m determined not to let them get to me. I’m just not going to be threatened or bullied by people nearly 3000 miles away. I know she said this just to get me to call so she could scream at me directly and tell me what a horrible person I am and how everything’s all my fault instead of just agreeing to disagree, respecting my wishes not to communicate further, and dropping it. It’s okay to disagree and it’s okay to be angry, but it’s NOT okay for them to troll and harass me. I have saved each and every one of their threatening messages in case I ever need them as evidence. I’ve also made a point of closing all the portals I can think of like I used to do with Molly.

There were also a couple of restricted calls I got, and after looking up how to do it, I blocked restricted calls, removed Tammy from my contacts, and blocked her. There haven’t been any calls that I know of since 6:30 yesterday morning so they either can’t get through, got tired of screaming their little threats at me, or they’re onto something more sinister. If they are, they’re the only ones that are going to pay the consequences. For now, I just hope not feeding the trolls will soon starve them off.

While Tammy does love to run to the police when she gets pissed at people, she’s so full of shit and she doesn’t even know it. If they really went to the police and they thought they had something on me (or anyone else), they would tell her to cease all contact. Not tell her to go home, send me threatening voice messages, and tell her to give me till Monday to call her or else! She’s even dumber than I gave her credit for if she thinks I’m dumb enough to believe any of this shit. In fact, I actually hope she did go to the cops so they can tell her she doesn’t have a case but also so they can see that she’s a real crybaby who’s just dramatic and downright crazy. Might help someone else she gets pissed off at in the future. Running to the cops, in this case, is probably just a scare tactic. It hasn’t worked, of course.

Nor would any decent cop tell her to download one of my books and bash it just as I feared she would and as I just discovered she did. Yeah, this entry is turning into quite a novel. It’s too bad karma only applies to me, but in a sense, this kind of is karma. No one ever knew this but 10 years ago when we got into it then, I left an anonymous shitty review on a website she once had selling beauty products. It was either anonymous or in a bogus name, I don’t remember. She ended up deleting the site. This was when her health took a turn for the worst. But I suppose this is my payback even though she never knew it was me. The question is how long is this “payback” going to go on? How many more books is she going to slam? Stupid idiot did it in her real name too, leaving an even bigger trail of harassment evidence should I be pushed to take action which I would still prefer not to have to do. I would still prefer to keep noise, occasional boredom, and water shut-offs my worst problems.

It wasn’t The Wrong Sister she borrowed but Renting Ginny. She said don’t waste your time with this author and that the “stories” do not make sense, even though it was a single story.

I called Amazon and got a guy I could barely understand because of his fucking accent in whatever country he was in, and it turned out I called the wrong department. He was nice enough to send me a link and guide me through the steps to fill out the proper complaint form.

I wrote: Hello. My sister Tammy B has been harassing me since we had a recent disagreement on Facebook. Her negative review was nothing more than an act of revenge. I would like not only her “review” removed but is there any way she can be blocked from ever buying/reviewing other books of mine in the future? Your help is appreciated!

I have a feeling that this time Amazon isn’t going to remove the review. I swear to God I will never again share my book link with anyone I know personally even though anyone could Google it.

Still hope he’s right about things blowing over because this bitch has to be one of the most vindictive people I’ve ever known. Being angry for years is one thing. After all, there are some people I could never forgive or forget. But pulling this level of off-the-wall shit is another and it goes to show how immature and stupid she is, too. Especially since she knows I already had a negative review removed. Part of me wishes I’d simply kept my thoughts and feelings to myself, feigned interest in the girls, and basically been untrue to them and to myself. The reason I didn’t ghost them was that she would have likely become concerned, gotten Norma involved, and sent the cops to do a wellness check.

If only she could materialize in this room for just two seconds! Two seconds. That’s all I would need. She could call me up begging me to forgive her and apologize up a storm and I still won’t ever again want anything to do with her. My only regret is that the heart attack she had didn’t kill her. That’s all.

If Amazon doesn’t remove this review, I suppose I could delete the book and resubmit it. What I’m wondering now is how many more she’s going to go through and bash. Meanwhile, I sent the complaint form and clicked ‘report’ on both her profile and the lovely review.

If it got so bad that she was bashing all my books and sales stopped altogether, I could pull all my books off for a while, but I can guarantee this bitch wouldn’t keep checking regularly for my return. If you think I’ve ever been angry, obsessed and determined, well I can assure you I’m nothing compared to her. She really will never give up and let go. My making 30-something dollars a month and possibly more in the future may already be over.

Really, REALLY hope her bitches don’t have Kindles or KU. Personally, they don’t strike me as the reading type but I don’t know for sure.

If Amazon knows who my friends are that they won’t let them leave reviews, how can they not know who my fucking sister is?

Tom doesn’t care if she knows where he works or if she went to the police and I agree. That’s nothing to worry about. I know I did nothing illegal, even though Tom wasn’t up for reading the message I sent them because it was long. He said, “Yes, there could be a line in here they could get you with for all I know but it’s best not to do this in the future when you get pissed at anyone. In other words, don’t rant. Just let them get the last word and walk away.”

I suppose this is good advice. Nonetheless, just to get another opinion from someone who’s intelligent and reasonable, I shared it with Aly, and she agrees there’s nothing threatening, slanderous or libelous. If the police could charge everyone that sent a family member a message on Facebook that pissed them off, there wouldn’t be time for the courts to deal with real crimes. I realize that perhaps it was harsh of me and maybe even a little mean when I told the girls I doubted they were still single just because they strive for independence and because of their weight, but I said it to make a point. A very strong one, too.

As I told Tom, I would check his app reviews. I just did a quick check and there aren’t any reviews because, unfortunately, there are no downloads either. He needs to get more content out, he said, which makes sense. The problem is that he doesn’t have the free time I have.

Okay, let me finally get this piece of shit and her brood out of the way for today. The strangest thing happened. Her number disappeared from my phone’s call log before I removed her from my contacts. The voice messages are still there, though. I’ve watched enough crime documentaries and police procedures to know that they can still find out who called who and read people’s text messages. Even Tom assured me that voice messages have nothing to do with my phone itself. I could lose this phone right now or accidentally delete the voice messages, but the carrier still has them.

I know I shouldn’t have but I sent her an anonymous email saying, “keep sending her evidence,” so she can wonder who the hell it was from if it makes it to her.

I just hope that because I haven’t had any bad dreams pertaining to them and I don’t have any bad vibes, that nothing major will happen other than her being a real fucking nuisance. I might have a better chance of getting this review removed if she left additional reviews because of the way she said in her first review not to bother getting anything from this author. Well, why would you keep getting stuff from them if you hated them that much? She might be too stupid to realize this and therefore keep buying and bashing. Or possibly put her bitches up to doing so. Oh yes, mommy dearest wouldn’t hesitate to encourage her daughters to follow in her trolling footsteps.

I did have a little anxiety when I woke up after the first day. It was the first time in years my heart was racing and my stomach was on the fritz because of something that was going on, and it was still nothing compared to what the medication did to me. It’s similar but different.

Again, there is still a bit of concern. I’ve lived long enough to see the pattern. Life is one long-term problem after another with only a year or two off in between. I finally beat the anxiety and got my health back on track, so if it isn’t a long-lasting problem on account of her, it sure could be work and finances. They’ve been working their asses off on a huge project at work. The company is struggling so much that if this project isn’t a success, they’re going to go out of business. If I’m right about something putting a noise curse on me, there’s no way we could lose this house. It’s noisy night and day unlike the noisiest of places I’ve ever lived before in my life. There’s a PBer in Sacramento that’s not in a commercial flight path but the helicopters drive her crazy. She said in the evenings they’re swarming around and she doesn’t know if they’re looking for criminals or what. We’ve been getting low-flying helicopters in the morning lately.

Anyway, knowing how my life seems to be one thing after another, there is a bit of concern between the bitch and his job. Hopefully, the worst that can happen in the event of a layoff is that we’re broke again to the point that there’s no extra money but can pay for our needs. In a city this big he can probably get a job quickly enough even being older and white. The economy is still good and all that, but he may have to take a serious pay cut if it comes to that. I’d love to get the fuck out of here if he did get laid off but it’s still not that easy unless you have a job lined up waiting for you or you’re retired or rich. Strangely enough, I do still sense some kind of serious change or event for us in September of 2022. Just hope it’s good if I’m right!

He will be working two or three Saturdays before the year is out because, with the way OT works in this state, it makes up for the days he won’t be working due to the holidays.

I also worry about what consequences this shit may bring about in any possible afterlife. It’s easy to laugh at those that claim they died, met with God, and got reprimanded for hurting someone’s feelings or pissing them off, or not forgiving them, but what if the stories are true? I guess it’s just a chance I’ll have to take. We can’t know for sure if there is an afterlife or what may happen there if there is. Maybe we’ve got it all wrong and it’s just the opposite. Maybe we’ll be punished for everything we think would win us positive points. All I can do is just exercise my best judgment and do what I feel I gotta do.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2019 I’m super wound up right now and a little worried. Yeah, it’s the family drama thing again, and yeah, I should have continued to stay away from them at all costs when I first cut ties with them 20 years ago. Before I get into the nitty-gritty details, I’ll just say that I decided to be honest with them and let them know how I felt. I knew it was time to get things off my chest that I’d kept inside for years. I also let them know I don’t see how we can remain connected due to so much conflict and just not seeing eye to eye. Naturally, they’re now showing their true colors yet again by being their usual hateful, vindictive selves and making all kinds of legal threats.

Normally I don’t compare myself to others and I don’t usually feel superior or inferior to others. However, I can’t help but feel a lot more mature and intelligent compared to these assholes.

Before I get too backed up here, the electric potato peeler is awesome, but it didn’t peel the top part of the potato, which is where the manual one came in, and that too is great. Best manual I ever had. With the old one, it was getting so dull that I had to really apply pressure and it wouldn’t always scrape up the skin, but not with this thing. I gently swipe and it peels off easily. Will make up some mashed potatoes tomorrow for sure.

Peeled an apple with it and gave some to the pigs and some to the rats. It creates a long string after it’s peeled, and it was funny to see the pigs chew each end until they met in the middle. The rats did the same thing.

I’m so ready to give up on both Hulu and Netflix! Just too much foreign shit, docs, and reality stuff. Why is there such a lack of fiction in this country??? I’ll have to find something else to entertain myself with when I eat, unwind or get bored. Maybe YouTube vids, even though they’re usually low quality and they put banner ads inside the screen.

Right now I’m just trying to enjoy my 5 measly hours off from the planes. It was the usual landscaping yesterday (at Dahl’s place) with tons of banging. Someone was pounding on the green waste bin when dumping shit into it and I could practically feel the vibration all the way in the bedroom.

Dusty’s house next to Trisha has sold, so hopefully they won’t have a loud vehicle of any kind or barking dogs to walk.

The ab workout I did left my stomach and back muscles too sore to work out yesterday since I haven’t really worked that muscle group that hard in a while. I’ll work out today if I can focus. Right now I’m still too wound up and I’m waiting for Tom to get up so we can discuss the latest round of threats. Not death threats or anything like that but threats, nonetheless.

The lamp Tom used in his office which is 20 years old has malfunctioned, so we ordered a cute new desk/table lamp that shouldn’t be blinding in any way because it has a fabric shade. The base has a globe of crystals similar to the crystals in our dining room light.

Just like Tinkerbell randomly pops into mind at times and I feel sad and miss her being the best rat we ever had, Blondie was the one to pop into mind the other day. He was an awesome rat. Our second best. With my morbid curiosity, I thought of how it’s now been 14 years since we buried him at the side of the dump we rented and I wonder, is there any trace left of him ever being there? I know he would have gone to skeleton rather quickly, but I wonder if there are traces of fur and bone? Any fur may have turned to dust by now, but I just wonder these strange things at times. I know it can take decades and sometimes centuries for bones to decompose, but I wonder about one so tiny as a rat. I even asked anonymously on Quora, but no one’s answered yet.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2019 Beneath the Smile got another download. Royalties are now at $26.

Really getting worried about my weight. Where I was waking up at 154 to 155, now it’s 156 to 157. I’ve gained 10 pounds in just the nearly 6.5 years we’ve been in this house. What am I going to end up at by the end of my life? Close to 200 lbs? Tom says we don’t gain all our lives and we reach a point where we stop gaining and come to think of it, I have heard that around 65 is when our metabolism stops slowing. But that’s still 11 years away! I’ve gained 17-19 pounds since coming to this damn state. Pretty sure I was 138-140 upon arrival.

When I went to do a HASfit vid which is by another couple similar to those that do Fitness Blender, it wasn’t on the main page. This couple also puts a timer and a calorie burner on the corner of their screen and doesn’t play any unwanted music. The calorie burner is pretty useless to me because in my case, if they say you’ve burned 75-100 calories, it’s probably closer to 50 for me.

So first I started doing another recommendation for seniors by Tona and while this was simple enough for me, Tom may find it too fast and the moves a bit too intricate. I didn’t do the whole video, but it was very aerobics-like.

Then I hunted down HASfit, did a 10-minute ab workout and OMG! I’ve really fallen out of shape big time! I could tell that most of the problem in this particular case wasn’t just my bigness but because I’m so damn heavy. Just kneeling on my knees has become hard because of the extra weight and makes them hurt. I could still do some of it but it’s one of the last videos I would recommend Tom do. I’m never going to lose 30-50 lbs, so all I can do is whatever I’m capable of. Sometimes I have to improvise. It’s like someone who gets in an accident that leaves them partially disabled. You do what you can do and that’s pretty much it.

Between the treadmill and the vid, I did about 36 minutes of exercise after working on my story. Now hopefully the commercials, helicopters and small planes can shut the fuck up and leave me with just the freeway to listen to so I can give the sound machine a rest and do this blog.

Tammy was on FB early yesterday morning my time but hasn’t posted anything or sent any messages. Guess she’s got her phone or is back home. My guess is the latter. Or maybe she never was in the hospital but was just very busy or not feeling well enough to socialize. That’s okay. The less I hear from her, the less likely I am to hear about her bitches. Part of me wishes I could have Tom tell her I died but of course she would expect to see the obit. I feel a bit guilty and selfish for having a part of me wish she would die so things could be less complicated for me and I could give her bitches one final piece of mind, but I just can’t help the way I feel. I doubt she’ll be dying anytime soon, though. I don’t know that she’ll make it to 80, but I would be surprised if she died in the next few years.

If the weather people know what they’re talking about then we could be in for some rain at the end of the month. SoCal got its first rain. Good. Maybe it will keep the skies quieter at night. I swear what’s going on over my head has become more annoying than what’s going on on the ground, especially when I’m up during the night. From just after midnight to 12:20, I heard 4 commercials. This is just insane.

The 29th is going to be an exciting day for me. Yeah, we placed an Amazon order yesterday morning. Getting an electric potato/fruit peeler, a non-electric one, and a potato masher. Figured the masher would make my mashed potatoes a bit lumpy as we like them as opposed to using the electric mixer which makes a hell of a mess. No matter how careful I am with that thing, it still splatters.

What’s most exciting is that he found a great deal on a bunch of Windows computers that were just listed. It’s an HP refurbished all-in-one business computer which means it will have the full version of Windows 10, unlike the home version that limits some features. The only negative is that it’s 6 years old. But they say it’s in great condition and takes only eight seconds to boot. It has all the hardware features I’ve been looking for and includes a touchscreen. So far, he hadn’t been able to find a touch screen under $700 which he was hoping would be on sale for $500. So, to save a couple of hundred dollars is great. The 23-inch screen will be ideal for my shitty vision.

The only thing I’m not looking forward to is having to learn a whole new way of doing things. When I switched to Mac, I had to get in the habit of clicking the X to close things on the left side. With Windows, it’s on the right. Or at least it was the last time I used it. So things will be rearranged differently and I may not have features I’m used to while I may have new features that I like that I don’t have now. I’ll have to reformat things to my tastes as well and set up hotkeys. What will make it all worth it is having a faster computer to work on, and being able to leave my 4-year-old Mac on my treadmill desk so I don’t have to unplug and plug things every time I want to switch rooms.

I awoke from a strange nightmare of being held hostage in the basement of someone’s house. Some guy was with me that was also a hostage.

“Run!” he urged when we heard our captor above step out momentarily.

Without a word, I ran upstairs and began pulling on a pair of pants that I found in a drawer in one of the rooms. I guess I only had my shirt on. Finding them way too big, I dared spend an extra moment pulling on a tighter pair of pants. I was just pulling them up when I heard the front door open and someone enter the house. That was when I quickly slipped out the back door and ran as fast as I could to flag down help. I spotted some older black guy going by in a car that looked familiar to me, but he didn’t see me waving to him. The dream ended before I could get help.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2019 This place is un-fucking-believable. Just un-fucking-believable. I got up to find the water off which makes the fifth time in less than two weeks. We’ve got to get the fuck out of here. I can’t take this shit for another 4 years! I refuse to believe we’re stuck here with no water in a place that sounds like a factory and a farm by day and an airport by night. A person needs a break from the constant sounds. Instead, it’s either listen to other people’s noise or play some kind of nature sound to create white noise. I never get a break anymore. Just for small stretches of time between 12:30 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. but even then I have to deal with some small planes and helicopters. I heard virtually nothing at all at night every other place I’ve lived. I need to get back to that and to a place where I don’t hear so much activity during the daytime. No one should have to hear landscaping and home repairs/renovations sounds every single fucking day of their lives. And one should have water all the time as well. We’re in the city, for fuck’s sake, not hooked up to a well.

I listened to some of the experts predict who they think the next president will be and it’s looking very likely that Trump will be reelected for two basic reasons. One is that two-thirds of the time they get reelected for a second term and because the economy is so much better. So it’s bad for medical reasons since the little cock believes everyone should pay all their medical expenses out-of-pocket as if everyone were as rich as he is. It’s also bad for gays/lesbians, and women wanting full reproductive rights, but at least there’ll be a little more effort to control illegals which really puts a strain on the health system in Cali as it does with Florida, Arizona, Texas and other states closer to Mexico, the main portal for these freeloaders. As Tom said, he’ll have good insurance in a few years (assuming that doesn’t change before he gets there). I don’t need good insurance as long as I don’t have any more problems before I’m 65. But yeah, Trump’s going to get reelected if there’s any truth to what I’m seeing on different sites. If Warren turned black, that would change things quickly being in a country that’s mostly pro-black. Muslim, probably not. Hispanic, maybe. Black, definitely. sighs sadly and frustratedly At least Trump can’t be president forever!

Tammy doesn’t appear to have been on Facebook since Saturday. Part of me was tempted to ask her bitches what was up, let them ignore me, and then let Tammy know those are some daughters she has. But I don’t want to get into it with her unless I’m backed into a corner. I would be ashamed and a little embarrassed if my kids turned out the way they have. I really would be.

What I don’t get is why she hasn’t contacted me from the hospital. She’s gotta have her new iPhone up and running by now I would think. Too bad Mark doesn’t do Facebook but he’s not into social media any more than Tom is. Mark is sociable, just not in the digital world.

I’ve been so cold lately because I’m hypo and have decided to take full doses 3 times a week instead of 2 and see how I do before it gets too close to February when I’ll want to take it every day leading up to labs. Wintertime isn’t the time to be hypo if you hate being cold! I still hate being anxious more than anything else, but I think I can handle 3 full doses a week. Maybe even up to 5. Wish I knew what my max dose was before I feel anxious, but after labs, once I get anxious sometime around the 5th or 6th week like I always do, I’ll try dropping it slowly instead of dropping it a lot. Why take a full dose just 2 times a week if I can handle 4 or 5?

I can get stronger, I can get fitter, I can get healthier, but I can’t get thinner. So I’ve decided that since I can’t have every single serving recommended from all the recommended food groups as it would be too many calories, I decided I could at least cut it in half and draw as many servings from most categories and make it closer to 1000 rather than 2000. This should help guard against additional weight gain. The more hypo I am, the harder it is to manage. I’m surprised they recommend three servings a day of fats and oils. Even bread, although whole wheat or whole grain is better than white bread. So many people think carbs are a bad thing, but you should actually make almost half of your diet carbs.

Currently, I’m aiming for doing a half-hour workout video and a half-hour of walking. Once the new computer arrives and I can keep my laptop on my treadmill desk, I’ll aim for about 2 hours of walking in addition to my video. Again, it’ll make me feel better and alter my appearance a little bit, but not my actual weight. Anything that was snug around my waist should fit more comfortably but not to the point where I have to go down a size.

Royalties are currently up to $24.45.

In watching this interview with this black girl, Angela Simpson, who held this guy hostage for three days and beat, stabbed and tortured him to death for supposedly snitching on him that’s in the same jail I was in, I’m like wow. Just wow! At least this one admits she was also racially motivated. Those cold, unblinking eyes of hers are absolutely chilling to watch and for one that doesn’t scare very easily, I can assure you I would have been absolutely terrified to have this sicko for a cellmate.

I swear she sounds a lot like Jaclyn Smith, and she definitely likes the word “right.” She mentions having kids and I can’t help but wonder what might go through their minds if they see this interview later on in their lives. Will they be ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted? Or will they be proud of their murderous mama and be inspired to follow in her footsteps?

Funny how when asked how she felt about spending life behind bars she said that having to spend the rest of her life with her “sisters” isn’t exactly a punishment.

But staying out of prison to spend her life with her kids would be?

She did say a few things I actually agree with. She’s right about the jail not caring about its inmates’ needs. I had to fight for weeks just to get my fucking inhaler and had I died of an asthma attack along the way, no one would have given a shit or been penalized in any way. I only got some of the favors and special treatment I got because of my looks and because the DOs agreed what I was in for was pure bullshit.

She’s also right on in that people are going to think what they’re going to think no matter what, and I agree that more women should fight for themselves, but only for the right reasons and not because someone snitched on them. If some guy hits you or stalks you relentlessly and won’t leave you alone, that’s the time to go all ape shit on him. Okay, so I can kind of understand wanting to retaliate against a snitch. If I did something wrong and someone’s snitching led me to jail or prison, I’d be pretty pissed too, even if I knew I deserved it.

Looking forward to some incense I just ordered since these sticks that I recently dipped are pretty horrible. I just can’t get many of them to stay lit. I’ve ordered 33 fragrances, and each has 10 sticks per pack.

Almond Joy Birthday Cake Butt Naked Butterfly Garden Carolina Herrera Cedar & Saffron Chocolate Brownie Chronic CK-1 Dragon’s Blood Dragon’s Breath Drakkar Noir Driven Egyptian Dragon Egyptian Musk Guilty Love Spell Money Blessing Mulberry Obama Ocean Dreams Opium Patchouli Flower Raspberry Crystal Romantic Nights Secret Crush Strawberry Fields Tranquility Vanilla Warm Apple Crisp Wet Kisses White Diamonds Witch Doctor

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2019 The fucking water is off again. This time I called and screamed at the office, too pissed to care whether or not they could handle it. If they have a problem with me being pissed over something anyone would be pissed over, that’s on them.

I screamed, “How many more times are you going to turn our water off?!” before whoever answered could finish their little greeting.

“Who is this?” they demanded.

“It doesn’t matter. This is absolutely batshit ridiculous!” I screamed before hanging up.

They could have called back and learned who I was through my voicemail greeting if this info didn’t show up on their Caller ID. Not sure if they have this number on record or not. I’m guessing they don’t since I got it after we moved here, and he makes a point of letting them know what his number is. It doesn’t matter either way because if they leave a note saying to get rid of more trees or to do this or do that, it’s not happening.

Still nothing on Facebook from Tammy so I’m guessing she’s in the hospital. I feel bad for her but I’m not going to call just to hear about her brats visiting or something else pertaining to them. If she later asks why I didn’t call the hospital, I’ll just tell her that she sometimes doesn’t check in for a while anyway, which is true, and I didn’t know if she was just busy or not.

In the daytime, I really should see this place as a factory and not a neighborhood. People work here. You know…saws, hammers, etc.

Had a weird dream last night but all I remember is the very end of it. I don’t even know if I was in this country. It just had that foreign feel to it. It was one of those jails that didn’t look like a jail kind of dreams, and all the guys in it seemed dark. Not black kind of dark but perhaps Indian.

The “jail” was in a long house. I was at one end with a middle-aged to older woman that worked there. We were talking about going for a dip in a lake. Since I only had the clothes on my back which were a shirt and skirt, I suggested going in just my sports bra and taking off my skirt right before I jumped in.

When she didn’t object, I headed for the bathroom. On the way, my skirt disappeared in the three seconds it took me to cross two rooms full of guys sleeping on the floor and I was now in just a sports bra and boy shorts. My hair was long and in two braids. Once I entered the bathroom, I flipped on the bright light and found there were even some guys sleeping in there as well. There were about half a dozen of them sleeping on the opposite wall from the toilet.

First I checked to make sure there was toilet paper and then I sat on the toilet, wondering if I would be able to bring myself to pee alone with so many guys, any of which could attack me at any second.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2019 My nails are definitely better. No more polish remover in a jar with a sponge or brush. These polish remover pads are awesome. Way better than soaking cotton balls with remover because this way I don’t get bits and pieces of cotton stuck to me.

I wish I hadn’t shared all the shopping we do because now the drama queen thinks we’re rich. I don’t mind giving her the last Alexa that we got because it’s a little bassy sounding and we won’t need it once we get the one with the clock in it.

I also wouldn’t mind surprising her with the pressure cooker we only used a few times and don’t have any interest in but that will depend on whether or not we can find a box to fit it in. I have some white gardenia perfume I never cared for that I’ll throw in as well. Watch, just to piss me off by mentioning the girls and probably thinking I’d also be pissed to know they got anything I sent, she’ll say the girls love the perfume or that she gave it to them. Personally, I wouldn’t give a shit. If it’s something I don’t need or want, then who cares who it goes to?

I’m realizing just how selfish Tammy can be. I wrote on Facebook that some people just can’t take the hint no matter how much you spell things out be it directly, in journals, in comments on posts, etc., and do they not get it, or do they just not give a shit?

She replied with “Um!!!” and somehow, I think she knew I was referring to her. So, she’s not totally stupid and her memory isn’t total shit either if she can remember the things I said we’re doing and getting.

I’ll highlight things that anyone can see anywhere, like something I cook, the weather, and generic things like that. This way people still know I’m alive and I can still have fun seeing who shows up on my visitor list, even if it’s pretty much the same people and I can only imagine how many hiders I may have.

We went to Rite Aid earlier and I got a doll identical to the blonde doll I got a week ago. She’s the same size and mold and all that and is also dressed in pink, but her skin is darker, and her hair and eyes are dark as well. They look so cute together. Part of their dresses feel a little stiff and papery, but then they were only ten bucks. They didn’t come with names, so just for the hell of it, I drew a couple of names from the random name generator I use for stories. The blonde one is Christina and the brunette is Miranda.

I really should start updating my Collectibles doc file and blog again. It’s just that I’ve been getting so much stuff and some of it I either dump or give away.

Yesterday we signed me up for PayPal and Smashwords published Renting Ginny. I used the same cover and description, but it’s too soon to know if I’m going to make any sales there.

I was glad to learn my intuition about Aly not having cancer was correct. She doesn’t have leukemia. Just a very bad case of anemia. She’s back home and will be on prescription-strength iron pills, will need to eat iron-rich foods and get injections as well. She’s back with Cam, who has to have back surgery in a few days.

I cooked Tom a Brit-style jacket potato and he made us bacon-wrapped steaks which were pretty good. Not great but good. He thought they didn’t taste enough of bacon and I thought they were too bacony.

We’ve both been eating like crazy and I really need to slow down because if I don’t, 2020 will be the year I’ll be seeing the 160s for sure. Definitely love to eat, though, and lately I’ve turned into a pretty good cook, much to my surprise. I made mushroom canapes earlier. Those too, we’re just so-so.

We’ve been having so much fun doing exercise videos and I totally love the way we have the living room setup now. Wish we’d done this years ago. Because the projection screen is so big, I don’t even need glasses when I’m working out. The only thing I might do is swap the treadmill with the Bowflex next summer so I’m walking right under the ceiling fan. That room is so huge that one fan just doesn’t cut it in there unless you’re right under it.

Right now, looking into the living room from the hall, the couch is against the left wall with the screen above it. Then heading toward the right, there’s the bean bag, the Bowflex, the treadmill, the desk, and the skier. I almost never use the skier anymore. I’ve got the pig cage by the windows on the left side and I use it as a drying rack for their liners. I dry the liners for a few minutes in the drier to suck the hair out and then I let it dry over the dome-shaped cover which is made of bars.

Bob and Virginia are back, but I don’t know if they went on a short trip or if something happened.

The only negatives to life lately besides knowing we’ll be here for a long time, is that I could have sworn I heard that fucking car today and yesterday. Only one time each day, though, which makes me wonder if it really was the mama’s boy. But then that is kind of how troublemakers act when they start their shit up again. They get testy. Rather than go back to their old shit full force, they gradually fall back into their old ways as if testing the waters and seeing how much they can get away with before diving in all the way. That just seems to be how people like that operate. I learned this in Phoenix. I really hope it wasn’t him, though, because if it was, we’re going to be back to the multiple trips in and out every day in no time at all. Especially with the holidays right around the corner. So unless the bastard is in jail, yeah, I can expect to hear it more and more.

Later…

Unpublished my book on Smashwords. They wanted me to update it into an erotica category because it has sex in it, but I thought I had enough erotic warnings, plus I listed it as unsuitable for minors. Unable to figure out how to fix it according to their standards, I just decided to unpublish it and not bother with them. They’re too unnecessarily complicated. If they can’t be as straightforward as Amazon now is, then screw them.

I’ve been seeing a lot of 9’s (159) on the scale toward the middle and end of my day lately and that’s worrisome. You know how it is… The more you see new higher numbers, the more it sticks, and the harder it is to see your lows again. So unless I can finally figure out a way to turn things around, waking up a 4 is getting pretty unlikely. 3 or lower…forget it. Took a dump and peed and was the same weight as before. My metabolism is that dead.

I looked at a list of the recommended food groups and how many servings you should have each day/week. The only problem is that this recommendation would be easy to follow if you’re one who can maintain or lose weight on 2000 calories a day, which is what this was designed for. However, if you’re like me and need to stick to around 1000 calories to lose weight, then there’s no way to eat the recommended amount of servings.

Tammy hasn’t been on Facebook for two days now and I’m wondering if they finally got her into the hospital. I started to leave a message on her wall asking anyone who saw it that might know where she is and what was going on to message me, hoping she would later get on the girls for not filling me in but then said nah. She’ll contact me on her own when she can.

I was frustrated to wake up to a message from Dixie asking if I wanted to get out for a while and accompany her to get blood drawn, get her car washed, and then have lunch at Applebee’s. I would have loved to have gone along, but as I told her, I’m sleeping till the afternoon these days.

Started filling Alyssa in on my life story again for the first time in a while. I can only do it when I’m in the right frame of mind and feel I have everything done that I need to do for the day. Still no idea if they’re being read but it’s kind of hard to believe she wouldn’t notice all these messages coming in and be curious. But then it’s not like “all these messages” are every day or even every week. Sometimes it’s months.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2019 Late in the day that Tammy was to be admitted, she let me know she was at home because there were no rooms available. Instead, a nurse came to administer antibiotics and steroids through an IV.

At least they must not consider her case critical or else I would think they would have made room for her. Strange that they wouldn’t have enough rooms, though. Was there a spike in population or is it just a small hospital? I know that illegals have been really straining the hell out of many states like Florida, Cali, Arizona and others. And of course, they’re always considered before others.

At least Aly can be in the hospital in the Midwest if she has to have the misfortune of having to be hospitalized. She was feeling dizzy and really cold and figured her iron levels were low. Her blood work came back showing both her red and white blood cell counts were low, so they kept her overnight. They want to do a bone marrow biopsy because one doctor thinks it’s leukemia while another thinks it’s just her anemia. She doesn’t have symptoms of leukemia and I don’t sense that she has that any more than I sense Tammy does, but who knows? I may be incredibly intuitive, but I don’t know everything, and I can’t always know a dream may be a premonition until and if it actually happens or at least close enough to what I saw in the dream. Hopefully, the blood transfusion she had will help. She said she expected to be discharged tonight.

I’ve been feeling well, but have noticed a slight increase in fatigue since having to lower my dose. I was both surprised and disappointed to tire down after just five or six hours of activity yesterday. Yes, it was a lot of activity and much of it was physical, but still. It seemed a bit extreme and I worry about how I’m going to handle moving when I have days like that.

My worst fear is actually something going wrong with one of us as it gets close to when it’s time to go, but I don’t even want to think along those lines! It’s just that if I’m right about a noise curse then whatever is up there isn’t going to make it easy for us to get out of what’s been the noisiest place I’ve ever lived. Hasn’t been too bad today, though.

Realizing how important it is to stay put until he retires made me go back to being concerned about him being laid off but nah, I’m not worried. Again, nothing’s going to pave the way for us to get out of here that easily, plus, he should be able to get another job soon enough, white, older, and from here or not. It just may not pay as well.

Thought I heard the mama’s boy come in, but Tom didn’t think it was that car. Now that I know the end of our time here isn’t near after all and that that was just wishful thinking, the bastard would start coming and going a million times like it used to. We’ll see.

Forgot to mention that several days ago Dixie called saying I left my cell phone at her place and then she realized it was actually her old cell phone. She cracks me up because she’s such a hypocrite at times and I don’t think she realizes it with her bordering on dementia. First, she told me not to let noise get to me and annoy me and all and why that’s not a good thing, then she went right on to tell me how much her thermostat annoys her.

When I asked if she heard and was annoyed by the latest round of tree cutting a few days ago, she said no, she doesn’t pay attention to the noise around here. But then the next sentence was about how annoyed she was by Santa’s car alarm, and did I hear it? I didn’t because I probably had the sound machine blasting to drown out the sawing, but I did hear a few honks of a car alarm yesterday evening that could have been coming from there. It didn’t bother me, though, because it wasn’t that loud and it was only about four honks.

I realize that it really is best to keep the things that annoy me to myself because it seems that the more I let people know what gets to me, the more they do it. That pretty much tells me about them too, and who cares and who doesn’t.

I complained in a Facebook status about being congratulated on other people’s wins and wondered why some Facebookers would congratulate people to everyone on their friend list instead of just to them. Then Tammy turns around and congratulates Sarah to all of us on her stupid job. It also seems like the more I drop hints about not wanting to hear about those I’m no longer connected to, the more she mentions them. Tom agrees that if I mention it to her directly, she’ll likely get all worked up and mention them even more. She’s very Andy in that department. Well, gee then, I should have just told her to keep me as informed as possible. So what if they don’t give a shit about me?

Tammy’s always been like this in general. I’ll point out a particular way something is spelled, for example, but she just doesn’t listen or doesn’t care. It’s really nothing new.

Been wondering what’s going on next door. I noticed their light on by the garage which they never leave on at night, fortunately, since it’s kind of bright unless they’re running their Christmas display in front. Saw Nancy’s car in the carport yesterday evening and then the car and light disappeared. My first thought was maybe they took off somewhere, but then why didn’t they tell me? They have slipped away before without giving word, so I hope that’s all it is and not that something went wrong with one of them. It just seems a little too early for Thanksgiving and definitely for Christmas.

Made another sale and got another borrow of Ginny today. In my message to Stacey, I mentioned that book and wonder if she could be any of the buyers or borrowers. If I had to guess, I would say no. If she wouldn’t check out my blog, or so she said, why check out my books?

Deleted my Twitter running account because I never remembered to use it.

We went to KFC yesterday after work and I got chicken strips with waffles and it was fantastic. Best waffles ever!

Then we stopped at Rite Aid for the usual wine and treats we get. No matter how much we may like certain foods, it’s just way too hard to eat the same things every day. It’s just not worth it if it’s not going to cause us to lose weight. It may keep us from gaining, but it’s hard to sacrifice for no results. We need to be bad on weekends and throw in some variety or else we’ll go crazy, LOL.

If only I could think of the kinds of story ideas I used to be able to come up with. It seems like I struggle to think not only of ideas but how to make certain scenes last longer and more detailed. I struggle to meet my own personalized daily word count but can ramble away to no end in journals. Go figure. Guess there’s more going on in reality than my imagination.

We went to Goodwill today and I swear I could spend all day trying on the tons and tons of clothes they have. I was going to grab some incense, but the place was so crowded and the line was too long.

I’m so sick of crowds and traffic. We’re definitely, definitely going to settle in a smaller town when we get out of here. Hopefully, the dream I had means we eventually will be in a smaller town. Tom and I were in a small store in the dream and he was telling the person that worked there that it was nice to come out and see what they had each week be it dolls, games or whatever because they were the only store in town.

Then I had a dream someone was telling me, or at least suggesting, that my mother had an affair. I’ve always wondered if either of my parents ever stepped out on each other because it’s so common. I would guess not, though. But sometimes I feel like Tom and I are the only faithful people out there. We may flirt and we may have our crushes, but then so does everyone.

We’ve been discussing the pros and cons of getting a Windows computer versus a Mac Mini. The only thing that sucks about most solid-state drives is that they don’t come with touch screens. I’d really like to have that option.

He has a Mac Mini for which he’s going to get a faster drive. Right now I’m leaning towards a Windows computer which he’s been using at work as well as for coding and he’s gotten pretty used to it. They’ve really beefed up their security lately as well. I absolutely love this new feature where you can voice type in other languages as well as English. I said a few sentences in Spanish and it was right on. Anything that can understand his pitiful Spanish, which is limited to just a few sentences, has got to be pretty good. LOL

We’re also discussing phones and other gadgets. We looked at Tammy’s iPhone, but we still find that Androids work best for us. We paid a buck for ours and no monthly payments during a promotion they were having to get new customers. Guess it’s just a matter of personal preference. I don’t, however, like that my LG model won’t let me block numbers. Therefore, I may end up getting this Samsung Galaxy that looked kind of interesting for about $12 a month, plus a few decorative cases for it as well. Glitter, flowers, that sort of thing.

Might be trying a gel and memory foam mattress with no coils that still has a bounce to it, so they say, which I like.

Would love to get a smartwatch, a tablet and a few other things, but we only have so much money. Alexa rings are too big for my fingers, but definitely gonna get an Alexa with a clock in it.

In light of how busy I am with my writing and other things, and given how easy it is to ramble on with speech-to-text, I’m thinking I might write more for myself and less for others. The more I share, the more I find myself filtering things I wouldn’t normally filter. It gets a little tricky to edit things just right for each and every person and place I share it with. I don’t want that time-consuming pain in the ass on my hands, and sometimes it really is best to be a little more private anyway. I can do status updates on Facebook to let people know what’s going on in my life, bullet entries on PB and MD, and keep in touch with Kim and Aly on WhatsApp and texting.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2019 When the phone rang yesterday evening and I saw it was Tammy calling, I knew it had to be pretty important since she knows I hate live chats. Plus, she’s without a computer and phone at the moment so she couldn’t message me.

She told me she was to be admitted to the hospital in the morning. First, and as I told her, I haven’t had any bad dreams about her in a while now. The last dream I had that came true was about her losing a lot of weight. The worst thing to be coming true so far, even though she’s only been 62 for a few months, is the feeling I had for a few years about this being a bad year for her. I just didn’t know why, and apparently, neither does she or her doctors. Therefore, they’re going to be admitting her and a specialist is going to try to figure out what’s going on, which was why she called.

She’s got pleurisy and some kind of infection that just won’t quit and hasn’t responded to antibiotics. Of course, smoking and having no immune system doesn’t help either. I looked up pleurisy and it’s both common and treatable, so yeah, if it’s not going away then something else might be going on.

I looked up the causes of pleurisy and there are quite a few possibilities that range from RA to cancer to infections and other things.

Unfortunately, when it comes to vibes and dream premonitions, no one can control what they see/dream, and no matter what they see or don’t see, it doesn’t change the outcome of things. Tammy still would have lost weight, and this still would have been a bad year for her even if I hadn’t had any dreams or feelings about it. I’m also not going to have vibes and dreams every time something happens. That’s just not how it works. No idea why I only get so much info or how to control it, though. I wish I could control it because then if I could see or predict everything, I would be rich and so would everyone close to me. I guess it’s like with her and her prayers. Some happen, some don’t, and you never know why.

Besides letting me know they were admitting her in the morning for an undetermined amount of time, she wanted to give me the names of the hospitals so I can look up their numbers to call her for updates.

I know her diseases don’t help and that she’s really stressed out, but as usual, she was both a bit dramatic and even a little argumentative. She ended up having to try to convince me that Windows and Androids suck as if I were utterly insane for planning to get a Windows computer and sticking with Androids. She made her point once, so did she really have to do it over and over again? And bring up those fucking brats of hers? That’s part of why I can’t stand live chats with her because I know they’re always going to have to come up. I know she’s seen me mention several times how uncomfortable it makes me feel to hear about those I’m no longer in touch with. She could have just said she’s had trouble with androids as well as people she knows. She didn’t have to sit and list each bitch off one by one.

As I’ve said before, I know this may sound horribly selfish of me, but a part of me wishes something would kill her because I know she would never dump me and I just get tired of the drama at the same time my heart breaks for all she has to go through. If I had to choose between her dying and being dumped, of course I’d rather she just dump me. She doesn’t literally need to die. It’s just that she’s no fun to deal with. We’re just too different and I get sick of hearing about prayer, God and the brats. She’s emotional, she’s dramatic, she has memory issues, she gets pushy, she’s argumentative, and she’s not very bright. She could never get me the way Tom and Aly do.

I wrote the above last night but was too tired to go through it and post it. I have a lot of journal and story updating to do.

Decided to call Tammy tomorrow instead of today. She told me that between 1 and 4 her time would be best, but she’s only been admitted for a few hours as of now and that may not be enough time to get any real answers as to what’s going on with her.

I kind of feel guilty for wishing something would kill her. Instead, I wish her brats would just disappear. Tom once said he didn’t want people to die and have to deal with bodies all over the place but that he just wanted them gone because they’re so annoying. That’s kind of how I feel about Tammy and her brats. I sympathize with what she’s going through and I hate to see her suffer, but at the same time, I wish they would all just go away.

I don’t know what to think anymore. Is it really the beginning of the end for her or not? I just don’t know. Sometimes I think there’s no way she could live another 20 years or so with all she’s gone through, but I’m sure that’s what many people have thought about others with chronic diseases. So unless she has a deadly heart attack or stroke or comes out and tells me she has cancer they can’t kill, I assume I have many more years to deal with her and her mentioning those goddamn narcissistic brats who have shown me just how selfish they can be. We’re all naturally selfish in some ways, but come on. There’s selfish and then there’s selfish.

I have mentioned in journal entries that I know she’s seen that it makes me very uncomfortable to hear about those I’m no longer connected to whether it’s relatives or not and regardless of who dumped who. Some people really can’t take the hint no matter how much you spell it out for them, and I often wonder why. Are they that forgetful or do they just not give a shit? I think I can guess which one it usually is. She may be forgetful, but her pointing out how she’s been reading about all the stuff we’re doing and things were getting and then begging for electronics, saying she’s given me hand-me-downs shows she doesn’t forget everything. I think she’s just selfish. She’ll forget what’s not important to her, and she doesn’t care to honor other people’s wishes. She’s going to do what she’s going to do and that’s that. But again, why would I care about someone I’m no longer connected to? I don’t actively wish anything bad upon my nieces but I’m indifferent as to what happens to them and that’s on them. Meaning that I’ve become this way due to how they’ve treated me.

Anyway, I’m not the least bit surprised she hasn’t taken the hint. Every time she mentions them, which is part of why I hate live chats, I want to scream at her never to mention them again but I know she would feel very hurt and angry if I did that and I don’t want to offend her. I would feel the same way too, if I had brats and a friend or family member told me they didn’t want to hear about them after they were dumped by them. I don’t want to hurt her unnecessarily which is why I haven’t given her brats a piece of my mind.

Unless you’re like our mother was, she’s always going to side with her kids and no one else. Sarah’s other aunt that threw her out; I would be willing to bet anything that it was with total just cause. But no matter what, Tammy isn’t going to see it that way. She’ll go so far as to admit she doesn’t agree with everything her girls do, but for the most part, she’s always going to defend her kids whether they deserve it or not. I think it’s pretty safe to say, however, that with one aunt throwing them out and another not wanting anything to do with them that the problem is them.

Yesterday was noisy as hell. On top of the usual sounds, they fucking cut more of the trees between Santa and the newest people on the street and worked till just after 5. I was so fucking frustrated and annoyed! Sometimes I wonder how I’m going to survive four more years of this place. It’s not even quiet at night here, just quieter.

I also don’t see how I’m going to survive four more years with this dented, lumpy mattress. After the computer, I’ve got to make a new mattress a priority. Even if it’s something cheap that will only last for the rest of our time here. Even when exercising my core regularly, I still wake up with backaches at times.

Tom was able to fix the pink marker and I had fun drawing a flower and some branches on the tops of my feet, a Star of David on my hand, plus a long abstract design that sort of made a “bracelet” around my wrist. The Jewish star is gone and everything else has faded. The tats on the top of my feet are still visible though. They wash off in the shower, some places quicker than others depending on where you put them. I learned it’s best to wait a minute for the ink to dry and pull the sticker stencil off slowly or else the ink will run. They’re still way better than temporary tats because you don’t feel like you have anything sticking to you this way. They’re just very short-lived. They’d be good to do right before you go out somewhere.

My historical royalties are $38.57. This is counting the time I had books listed back in 2013. Then I took a long break when they were ripping some authors off.

My total royalties right now for November are $15.97, so I’m averaging about a buck a day. Renting Ginny has been downloaded every day since the 1st when it was published with the exception of three days.

I also learned what happens when you get more than one borrower in a day. They simply add everybody’s pages together. So, if you have 3 borrowers that have each read 100 pages, it will show as 300 pages read and that’s what you’d get credit for. When the page count climbed to 950 yesterday, I knew there had to be more than one reader because the story is only something like 55k words long.

To have gone from earning around 5 bucks in a few years to 15 in a couple of weeks is definitely making progress, even though I don’t ever expect to be able to survive off of my book sales.

We’re going to open a PayPal account in my name this weekend and I’m going to see if Smashwords will publish me. Had a book with them nearly a decade ago, but things have changed a lot since then as far as how they operate. They don’t withhold taxes as Amazon does, but Mitch really has good things to say about them and he makes $900 a year with fewer books than I have. So I was thinking I would give it a try, even if he’s a better writer and his books are longer. Smashwords may not get as much traffic as Amazon does, but they push your books to their front page when they’re newly published. Amazon does not.

I went and tweaked some keywords and pricing on Rainstorm to see if that would cause it to get some borrows, but so far nothing. Something’s got to be drawing people to Renting Ginny, and if it isn’t the keywords, maybe it’s the suggestive cover? I just don’t know.

Slept better last night and woke up less often. Going to have to add the stereo’s white noise and switch Alexa from pink noise to brown noise so I have a wider range of frequencies to mask the sounds around here as I start sleeping in. Last night I just had the air cleaner running and the fan, since it got a little warm in here. Plus, Alexa playing pink noise. I found that the pink noise is similar to the white noise the stereo generates. But brown noise has a deeper “roar” to it that helps with loud vehicles.

The only other dream I remember recently was living in our old house again in Maricopa, which grew in size and became a jail. Yeah, that pretty much sums up my life there. Instead of living out our dreams there, it turned into one big prison.

Been on the treadmill for 19 minutes so I think I’ll stop and do some more later.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2019 Tom and I did some research and thinking. Wanting something is one thing. Being smart is another. It just wouldn’t be smart to move before he reaches full retirement in 4 years and 1 month despite the noise and water outages here.

We wouldn’t want to get a place site unseen and would have to hole up in a rental for a while till we pick the place out. The biggest issue is that no one’s going to give us a place without either being retired or having had a job in the area for at least a year. If he retired now, we wouldn’t be able to afford much of anything anywhere.

The original plan was to go down to New Mexico ASAP until he’s 70, at which time he’d retire, and then finish off our time in Florida and still experience a tropical climate in the end, but that in itself wouldn’t be smart. If either state is going to mess with my allergies and asthma to the point that I had to leave, it would be Florida. Therefore, it makes sense to go to Florida and consider New Mexico as a backup. I’ve never spent enough time in Florida to know how it may affect my health. It took 6 weeks for the cat we had to trigger my asthma so it could take a while. Unfortunately, we can’t sample places to live like we can sample food. If worse came to worst, it would be much easier to go to Florida and then settle in New Mexico, than it would be to go to New Mexico, then to Florida, and then back to New Mexico. So, we’re just going to play it safe and smart and go straight to Florida in a little over 4 years.

It seems like a lifetime from now, but at least we’re past the halfway point. We’ve already been here for 6 years and 4 months. It usually takes 2-6 months to get out of a place when you put it on the market as long as you don’t ask for a ridiculous amount, so we could get the ball rolling a couple of months in advance of when he officially retires. This would hopefully put us out of here between January and April of 2024. A little nervous about moving that year because 4 is such an unlucky number, but that’s when it will likely be the best time to go unless anything comes up along the way to change our plans, which of course, could be for better or worse. Once settled there, he could always work at least part-time till he was 70 if we wanted extra money.

I’m too tired to write much more today. Didn’t sleep well last night. I slept with Alexa playing pink noise instead of having both sound machines on because it was at night, but I would sometimes awaken when it would fade out and re-loop. My brain isn’t used to sleeping through that like when the stereo’s white noise sometimes fades out. Too bad my brain can’t get used to sleeping through everything!

Managed to get some exercise and cleaning done but I don’t have the energy to write what else I’ve got to write about, much less focus on my story. At least the bastards didn’t turn our water off today.

Royalties are now up to $11.76 for the month. :-)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2019 I better be a little less expressive in public lest I worry my dear sis, LOL. For the second day in a row, the park turned our water off, this time for longer, and I vented about it on Facebook. Had to laugh when she said she worried I was putting too much stress on myself that would affect my health and mind, but as I told her, I was just annoyed as hell. Stress is wondering if you’ll be able to pay the rent like we had to worry about for years during the recession. This is nothing compared to other things I’ve gone through in life, but still annoying. It’s just ridiculous that they don’t have a better way of dealing with pipe issues without turning the entire park off. If they just added more valves, maybe then they’d only have to turn off sections at a time, and not everybody. Still, I appreciate her concern. But the water was off for just over eight hours. So yeah, I was a little ticked off. Even Tom was frustrated, and it takes a lot to get him worked up in any way being as easygoing as he is.

As for expressing myself and venting, that actually makes me feel better and alleviates any stress I may feel. That’s part of why I’ve kept a journal for so long.

It wasn’t just the water outage that was pissing me off, but the constant projects. I’ve never lived anywhere before in my life where you couldn’t even go a week without someone doing something. Looks like Lawrence is remodeling his kitchen, from what I could see and hear with the damn circular saws. What sucks is that for things like this they do most of the sawing and hammering outdoors where everyone can hear it. Really hope he’s not prepping to sell since he’s been here for so long. That would be the second-worst house to have to deal with a turnover being right across the street and by the bedroom.

A shitload of dirt came spilling out of the faucets once we finally got our water turned back on and I had just cleaned the bathrooms too, so that frustrated me as well.

Then I teased Tammy about her grammar and how she puts my name in front of the comments she makes on my posts. Like I wouldn’t know she was talking to me? ;)

We exchanged voice clips this morning. Her kidneys are the same. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Obviously, it would be better if they had improved but I don’t know if bad kidneys automatically worsen with time or not. she would know more about that than I would.

Then she said something about a test to see if what she’s been through the last couple of months has worsened her sarcoidosis. I wonder why you would need a test for that. Wouldn’t she know just by whether or not she’s struggling more to breathe? I guess there must be something that shows up in the test that gives him a better idea than just how she’s feeling. Struggling to breathe is one of the worst things you can go through. I remember that well back when I was a smoker and had all kinds of asthma attacks, breathing treatments, inhalers, pills, x-rays, and this thing you breathe into as hard as you can to measure the force of your lung capacity or something like that. It was this tube and there was this thing in it that would climb higher up the tube the harder you blew into it.

She has so many aches and pains (and very long nails) that it was hard for her to even hold the button for the microphone to leave voice clips and asked me how to add speech to text to her phone. She has a good enough voice for it. She doesn’t talk too fast, mumble, run her words together and she does articulate well but get rid of that damned accent, I told her! LOL, but then I’m nearly 30 years out of New England where she’s just a few years. There are exercises she can do to help make it more generic, so she says “story” instead of “starry.” There’s a lot of “ah” in the northeastern accent. Even I still have traces of it in some words and speech-to-text will sometimes write “water” when I say “quarter.”

Anyway, I’m not sure how to add that to her kind of phone. Tom added that to our ‘droids and I’m not sure how he did it. I’ll see if I can find out once I know exactly what phone she has.

She’s looking for old electronics like Roomba, Alexa, and whatever after I mentioned wanting to upgrade things. Yeah, me and my big mouth. She was whining, saying they’ve given me hand-me-downs, blah blah blah…

I don’t mind helping her out when we can, and yes, she has helped me. We don’t plan to upgrade Roomba until we move, so she’ll have to wait on that. But she can have the last Alexa we got that’s too bassy since we’re going to get one with a digital clock in it that’s not nearly as blinding as the clock radio which I no longer need since I can have Alexa set alarms when I need them. She can’t have my MacBook Air, as I told her, because I’m going to use it to do puzzles when I’m on the treadmill.

I can imagine how pissed she would be if she knew that if Aly remains in my life as I hope she will, she’s probably the one that’s going to get everything we own. Not her brats. LOL. I’ve also told Tom that if there’s anything he can’t use if I die first and doesn’t donate, pack it all up and send it to Aly…clothes, electronics, collectibles, jewelry… Whatever I have that he doesn’t want and doesn’t mind shipping.

Because of her diseases, she can’t even vacuum well. And her selfish, narcissistic brats can’t help? I realize, though, that she’s not doing nearly as well as I thought she was financially. She’s looking to replace everything, including phones and computers. She did say there were a lot of expenditures when Mark was in Ohio and with her being so sick. Well, we’re not broke but we’re not rich either. We still owe hundreds to my dermatologist.

Later…

Went to visit Dixie and if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t know that the motherfuckers were turning our water off for the third day in a row, again for about 6-8 hours. She called the office upset that they didn’t notify us yesterday and that’s how she learned that the water would be off today. I know I’ve said it a thousand times, but damn, I can’t wait to get the hell out of here! No place is perfect, I’ve never lived in a quiet place, and I never will live in a quiet place that’s perfect. But we can definitely get a place where we can have water full-time and that’s at least somewhat quieter than this. My entire visit with Dixie was filled with planes and circular saws, this time coming from someplace close to her place. I wouldn’t have heard it in our place, and I don’t think Lawrence is having any work done today. She doesn’t have any sound machines running like I do and says she’s able to tune it out. Some things I can tune out, but I’m easily distracted in general and a very observant person, so it’s harder for me. I notice things. I’m completely mystified by the fact that no one else here seems to be bothered by this shit that I know of. I realize that my hearing is better than a lot of these people, but still. I’m just baffled as to how people can be okay with loud landscaping noise every day, sometimes on and off for hours, regular projects, loud traffic, and tons of planes. Sorry, but I just don’t get it.

Dixie is definitely kind of out of it and she seems to know it, too. Every time I see her, she complains about memory issues. She definitely seems to have trouble remembering things and seems to have an even harder time focusing than I do. She’ll get up out of her chair and say she’s ready to do the closets but then she’ll stop to tell me or show me something else along the way and it’s quite a while before we make it to the closet. She seems to be erratic in a lot of ways too, going back and forth with her feelings about whoever and whatever. She wasn’t too thrilled with a black lady next to her but now she considers her a friend for life. She just loved Santa, who she swears she saw taking a leak outside in the middle of the daytime, and now she doesn’t like him very much anymore.

Anyway, it took no time at all to help with the closet. I just shuffled some clothes around for her. Well, for Diane. That’s whose room we were working in. She pointed out some safety pins she put in several of her shirts and said that she did it because Diane likes to pull down her shirt and she finds it disgusting that women would let their boobs show. I guess she sees it on TV and mimics what she sees. Dixie doesn’t mind swearing and sometimes she swears as well, but she is a definite prude, LOL.

I totally loved the 2 little skylights in her hallway that look like real lights. I was surprised to learn they were skylights, too. I really thought they were bright lights and I had wondered why she always had them on during bright sunny days.

I was with her for a couple of hours and she really seems to love having me around, asking when I would be back and all that. I usually visit every other week or so.

When I got back I was so fucking hungry but I didn’t want to bake anything and warm the house up so we would need the AC. Contrary to popular belief, not all Californians are rich, and we still have a lot of medical debt, so I like to save money whenever I can.

Finally got the body markers which took forever to get here since they came from China. There was a dozen of them, and the damned things had broken out of their container and were loose in the envelope. Then I found that my favorite color was broken and another was dried up. At least the ink seems to be pretty good quality and like it won’t rub off too easily. I found that the stencil stickers are easy to use but you really have to let the ink dry and pull them off slowly otherwise the ink will run.

Aly is back with Cam, so we’ll see how long it lasts this time around.

Decided to make my Alyce boy shorts backups because they’re too high-waisted and too low in the legs as well. I found that Fruit of the Loom boy shorts fit me the best in size 7. I also saved a couple of pairs of their size eights that aren’t 100% cotton but 60% cotton and 40% polyester.

My royalties are now estimated to be $9.23. Wonder when I’m going to get two borrows on the same day?

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2019 Had to play reboot games again for the monitor. Next time I move the TV and shelves out and just wait for my new computer! Took 15 fucking minutes to reboot, and as always, it had updates.

In other frustrating news, the fucking water was off for the millionth time yesterday for at least 4 hours that we know of. It was still off when we crashed. It’s only because I know they’ll spite us again that I keep my mouth shut and just deal with it. It’s only after we’re gone and they can no longer cost us another grand that I’ll speak my mind for whatever good it may do other than to just vent. For now, I’ve filled the portable bidet with water for the next time this happens. It isn’t until you install a bidet on your toilet that you realize just how gross and not nearly as clean wiping without rinsing is.

Really hate people that have a hold on me. Makes me feel like a kid again. Nothing I say will change things around here anyway. The park isn’t going to fix the pipes right. They’re not going to re-ban motorcycles. They’re not going to say no to loud vehicles. They’re not going to regulate landscaping so we don’t have to hear it every single fucking day. McClellan Airport isn’t going to stop flying their private planes over us. The pigs aren’t going to stop with their helicopters. And Sac Intl isn’t going to stop flying planes over my head for 19 hours at a time either. So while it may feel good to vent, I’m not going to do so until it can’t cost me anything.

The last of the recent annoyances is Sam’s. We got there a little before the optical department opened so we went to their little cafeteria where music was playing so loud you would think there was a live band somewhere in the store. Then a black guy was talking annoyingly loud on his cell phone right near us while his giant lady was singing more off-key than I ever sang as a kid before I had vocal training.

As I’ve wondered a thousand times, do people even realize how annoying they can be, or do they just not care?

After eating his not-so-great hotdog and my so-so pizza, I got my glasses and while all glasses suck, trifocals are much better for me than progressives. Progressives are okay if I’m going out walking or something like that, but I still hate how the sides of the lenses make things appear to be “swimming” and blurry. It’s much easier having something where I don’t have to look out of a tiny little specific spot in the lens to see what I want to see. I do kind of have to adjust my head and eyes to see out of the middle notch, which is mid-range, depending on what it is I’m looking at and how far away it is. Also, these frames don’t look so bad on me because I have such a huge round face, but they’re a little too big and heavy, weighing more on my cheeks than the bridge of my nose. But I definitely like them better overall even though I don’t plan to wear them as often as my mid-range lenses. The trifocals will be good for going out and doing certain tasks around the house like cleaning. I’ll wear them when I visit Dixie tomorrow morning. Looking forward to visiting with her and helping her sort her closets.

It’s been hard for me to break the habit of calling these entries journals and switch to blogs, figuring that blogs didn’t exist back in the 80s when I started doing this. But others seem to prefer the term blog, so I guess I might as well get with the times when blogs do exist and start calling them that as well. So, blog it is!

In this blog, I can say that we’re definitely having a very mild winter so far. I’m seriously beginning to wonder if it will ever rain again. We’ve only had a few days of rain since last spring. We still need the AC late in the afternoon, but if the 10-cast is correct, we won’t be needing it after the 20th.

I’m no longer going to be tracking because the only site that I know of that offers invisible trackers with state and city info has been really fucked up. I’m being redirected by their ads and constantly having to empty my cache in order to view their damn site. Besides, there isn’t really anything exciting to see where they’re concerned. It’s pretty much the same people and it’s not like I’m curious to see or hoping to catch a specific person. Lastly, the data is incomplete because of all the hiders out there. Only those running PB can see all my visitors and maybe even they can’t see everybody. Regardless, I wouldn’t bother to ask for that info because I know I would never get it.

My royalties are now $8 and change. If this trend keeps up, I could make about $20 a month on average. That’s absolutely pitiful but it’s better than what I was making before which could barely buy a loaf of bread. It’s also more than Bing and more than I could make these days on M-Turk.

Time to get dressed, work out, and clean! Love the way he set up the projector to display on the big screen where the mural used to be in the living room with the fire stick plugged into it. Now we can do exercise videos whenever we want and see the screen well. Both of us have given up counting calories and trying to lose weight. It’s just not going to happen for us. We’re focusing on ingredients and activity. As an older woman, I’m just as happy with my 30 extra pounds as I was to be just right 30 years ago (though sometimes I was underweight). As long as I keep active and feel good that’s all that matters. :-)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2019 Made my first egg sandwich in the new egg cooker. Beat a couple of eggs with a dash of garlic salt, zapped them, toasted and buttered an English muffin, added a pinch of shredded cheddar, and there it was - a great homemade breakfast sandwich. :-)

Had a fun day yesterday. Went to Walmart and to Rite Aid and got lots of things. Real food, junk food, wine, and even a cute new blonde doll dressed mostly in pink.

Trying Tea Tree Mint shampoo too, and it’s definitely minty smelling. My hair feels silky fine and soft these days as most of the damaged hair has now been cut off. The thing is we don’t just get thinner hair as we age but the hairs themselves get thinner as well. Don’t know if I’ll keep it shoulder-length all my life. With another 30 years or so to live, that’s a long time to keep it the same length. I like change every now and then.

In the mail, I received a sample of Gabrielle Chanel perfume. It’s just so-so. Nothing I would be quick to run out and get.

Rearranged the living room yesterday and today we’ll be picking up my first pair of trifocals.

Ordered another plush hideaway for the pigs…a bumblebee. Two for the pigs is enough, we decided. A tiger is on the way for the rats even though they’ll demolish it soon enough.

Renting Ginny has now received seven borrows. Estimated royalties are now up to almost $7.

People have asked me questions about Cali over the years and while I’ve been quick to bash the state, which definitely does have a lot of negatives to it, there are some good points as well. I like the way this state does overtime. They also have many helpful programs and freebies. The problem is that many of the freebies are given to the wrong people. I don’t like how illegals and foreigners take precedence over those that are from the US and I hate how expensive it is here. So I guess like any other state, it has its pros and cons.

Unless she sent anything I didn’t get, I never did hear from Stacey. Not sure why she chose to ignore me this time. Maybe I overdid the pointing out of older people playing fake let’s-get-together games and she took it the wrong way or something. Either way, it’s on her, though she’s one of those I don’t mind saying hello to every few years without getting a response.

Aly came to visit me in last night’s dream, but I don’t remember anything else we said or did.

The night before, I dreamed I was in a house with several other people. Not sure if I lived there or not but there was this girl in her late 20s to 30s lying on the couch whining and moaning about something. She wasn’t well-liked and I told her to croak as I walked by with a bag of hard candy in my hand and sat down on a loveseat next to another girl around the same age. I helped myself to a piece of candy and then held the open bag out to the girl next to me.

“Oh,” she said as if surprised that I offered to share and then she took a couple of pieces.

Lastly, there was some dream about a smashed window in a door or a wall and I was nervous about it because it was in a shady neighborhood.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2019 Slept better last time around but still a little tired. Part of that is my fault. Been slacking off with unhealthy processed foods a little too much lately. I’ll definitely get back on track with my mostly plant-based diet and definitely keep what meats I have unprocessed. Just don’t feel as good on a processed diet.

Ended up napping for the second day in a row after I ate and showered. At least it’s good for my brain, as Tom said. The brain literally washes itself when we sleep, so those that are deprived of sleep have a higher chance of Alzheimer’s.

During my nap, I had a dream I was in tears as I told someone I “lost” Stacey. Hmm…were we together in some other dimension or something?

Then Tom and I were walking through this huge mall and I was browsing through a bin of all different kinds of dolls that were in the center of it.

Lastly, we were back in Phoenix with the freeloaders and I was surprised by how quiet they were. In reality, I’m sure they’ve driven every unfortunate soul next to them crazier than crazy if they haven’t been jailed and or deported.

So glad to learn that Becky’s CT scan shows she doesn’t have neoplasm colon cancer as her doctor feared! I’m thrilled but not surprised. As I told her, she likely would have had a starring role in one of my nightmares if anything serious was amiss with her.

All basic lady exams are free in California, but I’ve declined for a while, and if I’m going to take statins, I’ll likely start when I’m 62 because he’s definitely not going to work past 70 and I’m definitely not going to take it alone. It’s a good feeling to know he could retire right now even though we would struggle to make ends meet. But the longer he works, the more comfortable those golden years will be, and of course the longer I hold out on my own percentage of retirement money, the more we get.

We’re both working as hard as we can on our books and apps to generate extra money that way as well. As we both know, money isn’t everything. As long as we have money for the necessities, that’s fine. But going above and beyond that is always a nice bonus. We’re shopping whores, after all. We admit it. We love stuff. Lots of it. Our 1400-square-foot house is practically bursting at the seams with all our shit these days. LOL

Tammy has 4 doctor’s appointments this week but didn’t elaborate so I don’t have the whole picture to fully understand everything that’s going on. I can only guess that the most important thing right now is getting her kidney function to improve.

Adding the homemade burrow, I made out of their pigpen parts with a towel draped over it has worked out great. Not only do the pigs love it but now they’re more “bathroom oriented,” which makes cleanup a bit easier. Plus, it keeps the open area of the pen cleaner as well with them not going all over the place. I slipped their plush bed under it, but their tree trunk hideaway is right outside of it.

So I was right. Becky confirmed that yes, bike riding down there would be great but dogs wouldn’t be what I’d have to worry about. Goat heads would be the problem. So that’s what those spur-like bastards are called. Oh yeah, I remember those quite well when we were in Arizona, a similar desert. In fact, it’s probably the same Sonoran Desert. I hated those things! They stick really well and poke the shit out of you while they’re at it. This can be overcome, though, she said, by buying tires with special tubes with slime in them.

Decided I’m definitely going to take 75 twice a week until February. At that time, I’ll go back to taking it every day in preparation for my lab visit in early March.

“Accidentally” sent Stacey a message, then told her oops, it was meant for someone else, but I hit her name by mistake. She read it, so maybe she didn’t get the voice clip. Electronic mail/messages definitely aren’t as reliable as postal. Wonder what she’d think if I told her there was a notification saying she messaged me, but I couldn’t see it, LOL.

Soon we’re going to order a couple more plush burrows for the pigs. In addition to their pink pig, they’ll have a green crocodile and a bumblebee.

Grabbing another 6-pack of Fruit of the Loom’s boy shorts in size 7 since they fit me best, long-handled toenail clippers to see if that helps me reach my toes easier, even though some days my hip joints work just fine, and a small coffee variety pack.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2019 Glanced at the headlines. The usual shit going on from what I can see. Everyone wants to protect its precious illegals, corrupt cops out of control, etc. Really, if we can’t trust the police, who can we trust? Also, I’m still none the wiser as to why we want to protect criminals. I swear we’re the only country that does this sort of thing.

Didn’t sleep so well because of the warmer weather we’ve been having. Gotta get that extra blanket off that I recently put on the bed. It’s just that the early mornings are so cold.

Napped on and off for a few hours in the evening, though I’m still tired. As long as I’m not as tired as often as I used to be, I don’t mind every now and then, especially when I don’t have much to do. Might not work on my book today but since I’m doing my own independent NaNo, that’s okay.

Renting Ginny is back to being rented. :-) The nasty review was left on the 4th. There were no buys or borrows on the 5th, the day Amazon removed it. I don’t know what time of day they removed it, but I wonder if that review is the reason there was no activity on the 5th. Now that I know they don’t notify you of reviews, I’ll have to keep an eye on that.

They’re still at 38 pages but the book was borrowed in the UK and it’s still early there.

I was both surprised and disappointed that Becky said there were a lot of chihuahuas where she is. Disappointed because those dogs are said to be notoriously barky, but surprised because most people in the West seem to prefer large dogs that they leave outside round the clock.

I’m guessing bike riding might be better there, though. Less traffic, and flatter roads. I would just be a little worried about being chased by dogs. I would think loose dogs would be a regular thing there like they were in Maricopa. I’ll ask her.

Why is it only Aly that I have issues sending and receiving emails with? She said it dawned on her that I haven’t said anything about an email she sent me on Sunday. Yeah, and I thought it was a bit weird that she didn’t say anything about a link I sent her about an article on Amazon preventing certain people from leaving book reviews.

Had this really weird dream where I was sitting outdoors on these bleachers or something like that with dad watching some sort of circus or just random performers of various kinds. One performer was in a revealing costume and was bouncing some kind of ball or object off her body and was able to make it return, never hitting the ground. She had a slight belly bulge and nasty-looking stretch marks telling me she had a kid.

Then I was in this hotel of sorts. The rooms were more like cabins that were attached to a regular building. Everything seemed to be on one floor. In each room were a few sets of built-in bunk beds. This hotel slept people wherever there was space. I was to share the room with the performer. She never told me her name but when she told me she was 55 years old I was shocked. I really believed she was somewhere between 25-30.

I told her my dream was to start my own house cleaning business but that I didn’t drive. She said I could hire her for that.

“But I have one other problem,” I told her and proceeded to tell her about my sleep disorder. She surprised me by saying she knew what it was. I then suggested it might be better if she created the business and she hired me to work whenever I was available.

We were about to discuss it further, but she became very tired since it was late at night. She slid under the covers on one of the lower bunks. She shivered with cold and I started to suggest we leave the door open but then said it might become too warm later on.

Unable to sleep, I went out to the lobby of sorts where a creepy guy in his 50s or so managed the front desk. In one room off the lobby were a bunch of plants and in another was a mini grocery store. Then there was a TV room. I sat on the couch in front of the TV but all it did was advertise upcoming shows without ever playing any, so I headed back to my room.

Next thing I knew it was morning and the guy gives me a key to a better and more private room. So I crept into our room and found two small dogs sleeping on another one of the lower bunks and knew they were put there by someone else and that beds could be rented for animals as well as people.

I began to gather my things as well as a couple of the performer’s things that I thought were of value so I could bring them to the other room.

She woke up and asked, “What are you doing?”

I explained to her about the key and the better room and told her why I was moving some of our stuff. Along the way, I had to stop and think for a few seconds about the correct words, frustrated with my brain fog.

She got up to go to the bathroom which wasn’t in the room. Where she’d gone to bed wearing nothing, now she wore a skirt with a long-sleeved top. While she was gone, I looked in the mirror at my trashed hair which looked ridiculous and began to brush it out. It was long again to the middle of my back.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2019 I was writing on my private account on MD when “Boo!” popped up in the lower left-hand corner just like it does when someone is reading an entry on my public account.

Laughing at the cute prank, I contacted C on Facebook and asked, “Was that you?” Sure enough, it was. He’s mulling over ideas for Google food and has to write some articles on some things related to his diary site. I offered to help with any proofreading he may want done.

In exchange for that, he’s helping to promote my author page by adding his link to his ad rotation. So after I came up with a brief description - stories of suspense, love, mystery and intrigue with diverse characters - he made it clickable. It’s embedded in his front page as well as some people’s entries.

Speaking of my books, yesterday some asshole going by Jennifer B, even though her profile picture shows a guy, 1-starred and slammed Renting Ginny. Their problem was that I supposedly “led” them to believe it was a romance novel when it was really a horror/thriller that had totally “fucked with their mind and focus,” blah blah blah.

I told them in a reply that it was listed under the suspense genre and not romance. I was worried the book would be very unlikely to ever get another sale or borrow. Yes, people are that impressionable. Just one shitty review would be enough to kill it. People just don’t know how to think and judge for themselves. If something had a bunch of negative reviews, then I could see buying into it.

So I thought about it and decided I should report it. The negative review on Campus Games is one thing because that’s just a person’s opinion (though I do suspect that one may be connected to someone I knew). This, however, was a false statement. They were bashing the book for not being a romance when I never said it was. Not in the description, not in the keywords, and not in the genre category. So I reported it and Amazon surprise me by deleting it. Really thought they would ignore me, but even they could see that their vulgar and poorly worded complaint didn’t make sense. For a split second, I wondered if they could sue me, but Tom reminded me they could stop reading anytime.

So could the sickos in Phoenix.

“That’s different,” he said.

But it isn’t. Maybe in the eyes of the law, but it really isn’t. No one held guns to their heads and said, “Read or die!” It was all about their fucking color, just as they always made it out to be.

But no, Amazon went through it and approved it, and I know that was just me having a paranoid moment after what the welfare bums did to me. Just like I’m always going to be nervous about taking new medication after what I went through with that.

You know, even though they would have turned me into a fucking internet celebrity over what they did to me had the internet been what it is now back in 2000, I wonder if that would have actually gotten me a lot of book sales. People are always curious about criminals, both real and not. If people have spent God knows how much money on Jodi Arias’ artwork, imagine how many people might have been curious to check out the writings of the infamous and God-awful racist who chose to pick on her oh-so-poor neighbors for absolutely no reason at all other than their fucking color. Question is… Would my vindication have been publicized? I doubt it. People seem to only want to shout bad news from their little rooftops.

Still don’t think I’m meant to make much money. Again, you’re not given this kind of sleep curse if you are. Maybe that’s why the internet wasn’t the way it is 20 years ago. Of course, the freeloaders would have fucking loved it for damn sure. At least they got to lose out on that much. Everything else was right on their side and in their favor.

Curious to see if it would work, I sent Maliheh an anonymous email saying I was a concerned person about her “ex-girlfriend” including her name in books and blogs since she dumped her. I wanted to see if she would get it and then show up on my tracker. She didn’t. She still may have gotten it, but she might be hiding these days. Privacy was very important to her.

The day after I sent Stacey her message, I left an 8-second voice clip when I realized we already were connected on Messenger. Not only have I not heard from her, but the voice clip doesn’t seem to have been heard. She might not have gotten it, or she might have gotten it and marked it as unread. Pretty sure I know which one it is and that’s okay.

They laid off 25 people at work but not in Tom’s department. Really don’t see him getting laid off, though. Again, nothing’s going to pave the way for us to get out of here. They have a big project going on now in his department and he even worked quite a bit of OT.

Sent Dixie an email letting her know that next week would be better for me as far as making it down in the morning.

Just about every fucking day this place stinks of skunks which really sucks. But when I was walking down to get the mail the other day, I could not only see that they cut two trees and not just one but that freshly cut wood smell smelled wonderful.

The pigs stunk like hell and I knew most of it was coming from their new plush burrow. Had no problems washing and drying it, but why can’t they do their business in one spot?

I don’t know what it is I’ve been doing right but my BP has been better lately. Where my top number tended to be in the 40s and 50s, it’s been in the 20s and 30s. Also, where the bottom number was around 90, it’s been ranging from the high 70s to low 80s.

I’ve been back to taking full doses of my medication and will continue to do so until it builds up enough to get to me again.

We’re going to be arranging the living room this weekend. Now that the elephant mural is down, he put up the giant projection screen and wants to project workout videos onto them.

Becky shared a 3-minute vid of her hood. Yup, looks like the desert. Reminds me of Maricopa. Wide, open spaces with mountains in the distance. Dry, dusty and barren. I miss it there but still hope to live in a tropical climate, too.

I decided there really is no point in keeping a doc file just for my life’s highlights and all that when can they just remain on Twitter and I can also copy each month to Blogger and Prosebox so I have additional backups, two of them being searchable.

Had a dream I was in a large house with Becky, Sarah and other family members. At one point Becky hissed hatefully, “I hate you.”

But then a second later she was playing a harmonica I don’t own beautifully and I told her, “You earned it. You get to keep it for playing so well.”

Then Sarah was asking if it was close to the end of my day because she knew I needed space in what was a crowded room to do my running in or something like that.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2019 Tom’s gotten a few DLs on Amazon and Renting Ginny has gotten one download for each day of the month so far. I’m totally amazed and did not expect this! I still don’t expect to make the few hundred bucks a month I’d like to make, but things are definitely looking up in that department. I’m already less than a dollar from beating last month’s royalties. I’m at $4.06.

The pigs are so cute when they follow me as I walk around the kitchen. If I go by where their tomatoes are kept, they walk over to that part of their pen. Still regret getting them, though. They’re filthy, costly, smelly and a lot of work.

Aly really annoys me with the waiting games. It only takes a second to copy and paste the fucking review of my book that Amazon won’t let her post yet there’s always an excuse. Usually, it’s her health or work, but still. I realize I can be impatient and that I have more free time than she does but come on. You can take the time to message me but not share some text?

Sometimes I wonder if that’s just fun for her as well as disagreeing with most of what I say. She’s just the opposite of Kim. The latest thing she “happened” to disagree with was referring to Kim and Molly as crazy and unstable. Technically she is kind of right about that. Crazy is more like deranged, aggressive and wild. Insane would be more appropriate to describe them due to their constant drama, erratic emotions, and questionable behavior.

Kim’s in Special Olympics and in order to qualify for that you usually have to have some kind of intellectual disability and cognitive delay. I think she was born that way, possibly due to a brain injury in the womb or during birth, but I think in Molly’s case the problem is her. She was likely abused as a child and that’s what fucked up her personality. She definitely has the emotional problems from hell based on her tweets. Very aggressive-sounding, always blaming others, calling others out by their full names, and believes the world centers around her.

As Aly says, Kim has issues with memory, understanding, taking things too literally, and being deceptive to avoid confrontation and perceived hurt feelings.

Yeah, well she also has a lot more than that. Remember, she stalked and harassed the shit out of me for years. I don’t know if she’s done any such thing in recent times, but I know she still does things like sign people up for a bunch of shit if she knows your email address.

Anyway, Aly’s only been with Cam once in two weeks but they’re “headed in the right direction,” whatever that means. I think the relationship is pretty much over but it’s hard for her to be as blunt and open about it for some reason. So yeah, it’s either something about her or the guys she’s picking. Just doesn’t seem to be in her cards, I guess. Just can’t picture her in a relationship for years, let alone married.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2019 Sent a message to Stacey since it’s been a while. I still miss her at times. I sent it at 1 a.m. and when I got up, I found that she read it at 9 a.m. She never replied and I don’t expect her to this time around, but I’m okay with that. I just wanted to say hello and let her know what’s been going on these last couple of years. I told her about the liothyronine experiment, the brand issues and things like that. I know most people aren’t as quick to do things as I am, so there’s still a chance she had to go somewhere or do something after she read the message and plans to reply later on, but I doubt it.

Much to my delight, Renting Ginny has received another borrow! :-) They haven’t read as many pages yet. It got me thinking about keywords. Maybe I did a better job with them this time around, making my stuff easier to find. I read more about keywords and found that they’re not quite the same as tags. They’re a little more descriptive. Instead of just “rat,” “smart brown rat” would be more appropriate, for example.

Fortunately, our delivery arrived before the gates closed for the night. But unfortunately, the pigs don’t seem the least bit interested in their new plush burrow. If they don’t eventually decide to use it, I’m sure the rats will. Rats are great for things like that. Tried a new food you didn’t like? Just give it to your rats, they’ll love it! But they’re way more destructive than guinea pigs so the burrow won’t last as long with them

I used the ramen noodle cooker and it is definitely very convenient, although not something I expect to use very often any more than the rice cooker. I don’t have pasta often. The only starchy food I have fairly regularly is potatoes.

The nail polish remover pads work well, and I’ll leave my nails bare as boring as that is until they clear up.

Haven’t been able to remember much in the way of dreams lately. Just bits and pieces of this and that. Some woman giving me a pedicure and me being annoyed by spam on all kinds of sites. That’s so true, too. They’re all over PB, and you would think that a wallpaper picture site would be the last place you’d find spammers, yet you’d be wrong. They just incorporate their messages in photos. The site doesn’t seem in any hurry to delete them either.

I was relaxing in bed, letting my mind wander the other night when I realized that some of my fears and concerns in life have shifted a bit. My worst fear has always been growing old and dying and while that is still a very real fear that I’ll have to face someday, right now I think an even bigger fear is whether or not there’s an afterlife and what it may hold for me. I fear that if one exists, it could be a billion times worse than my earthly existence. I try to remind myself that if there is one, I have just as much of a chance of it being as good or better than this life as I do of it being worse, don’t I? Yet the unknown continues to be a scary thought.

However, money issues don’t scare me nearly as much as they used to. After the hell I’ve suffered, I would much rather be poor than go through what I’ve gone through. The thought of losing everything to poverty or some kind of natural disaster used to be one of my greatest fears. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would have given it a 9. These days it’s more like a 5-6 because I know that objects can always be replaced. There are clothes and knickknacks just as nice as the ones I have and the same goes for everything else we own. The only thing that would be a tragedy to lose would be our pets, and of course, it would be a real pain in the ass to have to get new birth certificates and all that. So, losing documents and animals is definitely a 10+.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2019 The new NaNo sucks and is completely fucked up and confusing. Got 1667 words in yet it says I’ll finish on December 10th, my writing speed is only 1 word a minute, and I’ve only written 1243 words and still need 1667. WTF? So I decided to hell with NaNo. I once heard that it’s best to make a story only as long as you need to tell the story you want to tell, and that’s what I’m going to do. Going to try to keep each chapter around 1000-1500 words, but however many words and chapters it comes to in the end is what it comes to. Really don’t think I can stretch this idea to 50k words anyway unless I get more ideas along the way for the story I’m doing.

Just hours after the release of Renting Ginny, there was a sale in the UK! I personally feel it’s one of my best stories, and we’re usually our own worst critics.

Last night was surprisingly quiet, and so far it’s not too bad tonight either. They finished with the tree in the common area. No need to get excited over it, though. It’ll just be a matter of days before someone breaks out another project I’ll have to listen to. The only question will be whether or not it’s a resident or the park and how many days I’ll have to deal with it.

Went to Sam’s after he got out of work and chose eyeglass frames for my first pair of trifocals. They’re a little hard to describe but they’re mostly clear and round and the nose pads are part of the frame itself which I prefer. They have some shots of gold in them, and between the transitions and other things added to it, it came to $200 instead of the $250 we expected it to come to. We’re Plus Club members, so that gave us more of a break.

After we got the glasses taken care of, we grabbed a few things and he used the self-checkout app he usually uses. We mostly got produce, and while it may not be that healthy since it’s a little greasy and battered, I decided to try Haddock Bites and they’re really good.

On Amazon, we ordered microwave rice, egg and pasta cookers, nail polish remover pads, and a plush hideaway for the pigs. I’m hoping the polish remover pads will not only work well but be healthier for my nails. Every time I dip my fingers in the jar with the sponge with filthy nail polish remover in it, I realize it may be what’s causing the discoloration.

[formulateez]

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format + info inspired by: kwanisms // ncteez // cheollipop

divider is from cafekitsune

header photo is from pinterest

[stillness-in-green]

Hiya, rvg! I'm back with another volley of replies to your replies to my replies! This will probably be my last of these, as I can't imagine having much further to elaborate on and there's already a fair amount in your reply above that I'm just going to let stand, for reasons I'll discuss more in-text below. I did get your ask about helping villains, and I will answer it, but not until after some other asks that have been waiting, so it may be a bit yet. There's plenty of text here, though, in the meantime! XD

Everything's just in order this time, no rearranging for organizational flow. As before, italicized and colored blocks are from the post I'm replying to.

You're saying that when a choice is going to lead to a dead end, the heroes conveniently don't follow it, even though it would've been a logically sound decision and no one from the readership would've faulted them from making said choice, even though we the readers already know it's a waste of time (well, a lot of readers would give them shit about it, actually). Did I get it right?

Yep, that’s what I was getting at.  I agree that there would likely have been reader critiques in some cases, because some readers have trouble with the separation between their knowledge and character knowledge, but that’s a problem with their reading comprehension, not something the writer should be handing the characters freebies for.  Honestly, that’s part of the trick of balancing multiple perspectives: either lean into the tragedy of stuff your main characters can’t know or contrive a way for them to find out what they need to find out before the readership has time to get too annoyed with them for not knowing it.  But for heaven’s sake, don’t just ignore it!

We saw this problem on into the final parts of the story as well, with Deku just never really trying to talk to Shigaraki for no reason I can make any sense of from an in-character perspective but which I can make lots of sense of from the perspective of the author.

Shigaraki has always been extremely chatty around Deku, so it seems like the logically sound decision Deku should have made was to just ask Shigaraki about his backstory (like Shouto does Dabi) or talk to him about his situation (like Uraraka does with Toga). I think Horikoshi already knew, though, that Shigaraki’s answers to any sincere attempts at conversation would be the wrong answers for where Hori needed the plot to go. Rather than having Shigaraki uncharacteristically stonewall conversation, then, Horikoshi just wrote Deku making a tiny handful of vague, declamatory statements that went nowhere because they didn't really offer Shigaraki any kind of foothold to reply. Then the story just pretended Deku had absolutely no other choice but to violently assault Shigaraki's psyche to get his answers, when it fact it had just marched him past every other viable option with a blindfold on.           

What exactly is "crueler" about divide and conquer? I'm assuming that you're referring to specific beats in the story and not the strategy in itself. Because it is a sound strategic move.  (…)  Why should the kids have been opposed to the plan?

The main reason I dislike it—and you’re right; it is a sound strategic move—is that I don’t feel like it follows naturally from what the principal kids (here Deku, Ochaco and Shouto) actually want to accomplish.  We get this idea that they want to deescalate; they want to understand the people they’re fighting.  Shouto wants to share a meal with Dabi; Ochaco wants to understand Toga’s point of view.  Deku is woefully inconsistent, but at the very least he wants to understand and soothe the pain in Shigaraki’s heart.  None of these goals are well-served by the kids letting themselves get thrown into mass battles where they’re going to have a shitload of other people, frequently adult Pros, trying to violently attack and subdue the very Villains the kids want to save/understand.  So why do the kids follow along with that battleplan despite it running counter to their goals?

My strong impression from the comic is that the kids just never talked about their goals to any of the adults involved in planning the combat.  On one level, that makes sense, because all three of them are also wrestling with their feelings about all the harm their Villain foils have caused; they logically know the Villains have to be stopped!  They do still want to try to help those Villains, though, so we have to ask: does the divide and conquer plan actually facilitate that?  And I just don't see any way in which it actually does. Rather, the divide and conquer plan drives Dabi past the point of no return in his self-immolatory attempts to get to Endeavor and drops Shigaraki into a literal coffin in the sky designed to be constantly electrocuting him.

Putting Toga on an island is marginally better, but you’re still left with the issue that there are a bunch of Pro Heroes around who seemingly have no idea that the kids want to have a conversation at all, and are not remotely interested in facilitating said conversation.  The story contrives to have the plan go off the rails so the kids can have their one-on-ones, but what would they have done if the plan had instead gone smoothly?  I really have to wonder what e.g. Gang Orca or Edgeshot’s responses would have been to Ochaco or Deku immediately launching into attempts to deescalate the conflict via talking to their opponent about why they’re doing what they’re doing!

And that all goes back to a similar problem as above: the Heroes don’t behave like they ought to behave based on what they claim to want. Now, unlike Deku's lack of engagement with Shigaraki, I can come up with better in-character explanations for this case, but they still aren’t explanations that reflect terribly well on the students!

To me, the most probable explanation is fear: the kids are too afraid of the adults’ reaction to share their desire to understand the Villains they’re going to be made to fight. This in turn makes them look like they don’t have the courage to stand for their convictions.  They’ve come to suspect that the Villains have a core humanity that needs to be humanely addressed, but instead of speaking up about it, they quietly and passively go along with battle plans that aim to separate the Villains from their own allies, relentlessly drive them into corners, overpower them and, in Shigaraki’s case, straight-out kill him. Cowardice in the face of cruelty.

To discuss more my use of "cruel," on the surface level, it's simply the case that the League are close enough that having to watch them be split up and made to fight alone (in an endgame with a huge focus on teamwork and mutual support!) just plain feels bad. To me, it was a strong enough feeling that I enjoyed a distinct schadenfreude when we later got Rock Lock reacting with dismay and panic to a disorganized mob of rioters he was expecting to quell with minimal difficulty turning out to be organized and disciplined enough to split up and isolate the hospital defense force. Tellingly, he didn't think to himself, "Well, it's a good tactic, so I guess I can't really hold it against them."

From a much more meta perspective, the plan “feels cruel” to me because I was very invested in the team dynamic the League had spent so much of the series building, so an endgame that ruthlessly broke up that team and led to them all getting captured or killed alone and without any chance of knowing each other’s fates feels out and out monstrous.  Again, a sound strategic plan, but I didn’t come to My Hero Academia looking for it to validate the goddamn HPSC’s morality; I came looking for it to validate Deku’s morality, as personified in his “drive to save that surpasses all reason.”  Deku does not demonstrate this drive to save by keeping his mouth shut about being made to fight Shigaraki in a floating death arena.

And what is that "hero" ideal, for you? Are we talking Superman levels of altruism, with complete lack of self preservation, or nothing that extreme? I already know that's not the case, but I just wanted to pose the question anyway to get your thoughts. Cause even though the story sells Midoriya's behaviour as "truly heroic", that level of self destruction just for the sake of others is deeply concerning.

I mean, as a baseline, I don’t think, “Refrain from commiting war crimes against your opponents,” should be too much to ask of government-backed Heroes.  Even in MHA’s semi-realistic, pseudo-modern setting, the word Hero has to stand for something if the author is going to treat it as sincere.  But for a fuller answer, I guess it boils down to the fact that I would want them to make reasonable attempts at de-escalation, understanding and compassion, rather than treating all of those things as admirable but exceptional.

Like, it’s fine for the adult Pros in the story to not be fully living up to that ideal when the story is promising to be about how the kids become the best/top/most amazing Heroes.  That just means the kids will be the ones bringing about change to a stagnant and corrupt system, and that’s awesome!  But the kids do then have to be able to live up to that promise, and they have to inspire those around them to actually change.  I don’t feel they accomplish that by going along with war crime tactics, no matter what the epilogue is trying to sell me.

For example, when Hawks’s story ends with him getting a cushy government job where he’s framed as helping to improve the Hero System but he did absolutely nothing in the last war that was any different from what the Hero System had always done—most egregiously represented by his screaming about killing them now when confronted with Toga’s Death Parade—that is what I call an unsuccessful demonstration of the main characters’ power to inspire change.

Again, the kids didn’t have to get themselves killed over this (though in the medium of a shounen battle comic I did expect them to be willing to fight for it), but I just needed to see them attempt the high road first.  It’s okay if they have to fight while they’re talking—it’s a shounen battle comic; I expect that sort of thing!—but I do want to see them prioritize that talking rather than treating it like a last resort when all the war crimes don’t work.  Unfortunately, that’s just not what we saw the kids do, ever—not in the beginning, out of a native sense of heroism like Deku was stated to possess, and not in the end, out of a developed sense of heroism like Ochaco grew into.  So I can’t help but judge the story overall as not only a failure at living up to its American superheroic inspirations, but also just a huge uninspiring mess on its own demerits.

           What does "saving the villains" mean to you?  (…)  Does it mean they all get to go free and face no consequence for their crimes, and people act as if nothing happened? That doesn't sound sensible. And if they do face consequences. Doesn't that directly undo and oppose the whole "saving villains" thing? Or is it fine? Are you still saving them if they face justice, or is granting them complete amnesty required?

Well, I wouldn’t be hugely opposed to them going free, but that’s because I’m a Villain stan feeling extra-burned by the ending (not merely because the principal Villains mostly die but also because I’m so thoroughly unconvinced that society has meaningfully changed).  Obviously that’s not realistic, and not what I would want in real life; that’s just me finding it difficult to muster much desire to punish Villains who have already been so exessively punished by the circumstances of their lives and by the story.  And, admittedly, because I also think it’s kind of ludicrous that MHA is so harsh on its Villains when it runs in a magazine that has a long history of the most laughingly unrepentant mass murderers turning over a new leaf and being allies of the mains once a certain margin of fighting-to-understand-each-other has been met.

That said, to try and give you an answer more in-line with MHA’s semi-realism, it boils down to restorative justice.  The main reason the Villains won’t stand down is because they can’t accept the world they’d be living in if they did[1]—then, the way to save them is to give them reason to believe they could accept that world.  No, they don’t have to be walking around free as if they’ve been given a complete amnesty, but neither do I want to see them rotting in MHA’s wildly inhumane-seeming prisons.  Rehabilitation, community service, the ability to communicate with their friends, the ability to advocate for changes in the circumstances that created them: those are all things that, if the Villain in question was willing to do them, I’d happily take as signs of their being “saved.”

1: We see versions of this explicitly from Toga and Twice, it's clearly implied with Shigaraki and Spinner, and I’d say it includes any of the ideologically driven Villains as well.

Is it strictly realistic that terrorists and mass murderers would get off that light?  No, of course not; I imagine pretty much all of them would be heading for the noose, maybe even Toga despite her being a minor.  But again, I don’t require strict realism in my Shonen Jump Battle Manga, and indeed think that strict realism is an objectively absurd path to take in a series that contains Wishing Energy and *waves at everything about Bakugou’s heart surgery.*  I think a series as concerned with ideals as MHA had a responsibility to allow some of its Villains the benefit of that same idealism.  It’s not here to show us the real world; it’s here to show us the vision of a better one—so why does the better one involve so many dead victims of child abuse and discrimination?

As to your further questions about other Villains, ones like Hose Face who seem less likely to desire rehabilitation, or who the kids don’t have angles on talking down, I realize you can’t ask a handful of teenagers who don’t have enough screentime themselves to successfully talk down a bunch of Villains with even less.  That’s just a consequence of having a 100K Villain army in your story!  But I think the same basic guidelines apply: I’d want to see the kids try to ask questions and deescalate, fight in as humane a way as they reasonably can in a shonen battle manga context, and for the manga to include any dialogue (or a panel or two’s worth of visual implication) that deradicalization and rehabilitation are being attempted in prison.  I mean, the MLA in particular are all cultists, many if not most of whom were likely raised from birth to those beliefs.  And most of them certainly don’t have the League’s concrete body count!  I think some deradicalization therapy could do them a world of good.

Mind you, I don’t really want to see them deradicalized when the story hasn’t convinced me that they’re wrong about Hero Society being so oppressive it borders on being a police state!  But that’s not because I think they’re the secret good guys; it’s just because the story needed to convince me that the kids would see the changes that need to be made and actually try to make them.  Neither the story nor the kids did so, so I can’t really get behind the Villains getting the punishments they would otherwise warrant.

(I will almost certainly wind up talking about this somewhere else in a more isolated way, but just to get it out on the blog: it is the most insidious fucking cowardice that the epilogue insists to us that Hero Society has changed for the better but did not have the balls to show us a single active Villain so we could see how Heroes are dealing with them in this bright new better future.  Fuck off with that, Horikoshi.)

           But I honestly just don't get how having the heroes be more flawed would make the readers like them more and root for them more.  Like, in my mind, if people already don't care for them when they're perfect goody two shoes, then I don't see why if they had actual flaws or shitty personality traits people wouldn't be actively rooting against them. You get what I'm saying?

Like if Momo was your typical cold hearted, rich mean girl, or Mina was an annoying and disrespectful gossip that invades people's privacy and spreads nasty rumors, or if Todoroki was racist towards heteromorphs, I don't see how the fandom would like them more. I think they would despise them.  Would you like them more? Would you actually find yourself rooting for them like that when they're facing adversity?

Not to sound too obvious here, but the point of flaws is for characters to grow past them, or at least for them to provide an interesting hurdle, so—yes?  As a personal example, I hated Shigaraki when he first turned up because he came off as such a shallow nihilist—which, at the time, he pretty much was!  But I prematurely assumed that the story believed that his ill-considered drivel was earth-shakingly meaningful and revelatory.[2]  As it instead became clear that the story knew good and well that he was a shallow nihilist who couldn’t progress without changing, I instead wound up loving him—not for the shallow nihilist he was, but for the work he would have to do in becoming more.

2: In retrospect, this was pretty silly of me, given that All Might calls it out right there on the spot as shallow nonsense that even Shigaraki himself doesn’t believe.  But I didn’t know at the time where that callout would wind up leading.  In his own way, Shigaraki was revelatory, in that I had literally never seen a villain growth arc like his.  What a damn waste.

You talk about Bakugou just after the above bit of your reply, and he’s a perfect example: he has to navigate improving as a person—being more aware of the suffering of people around him, becoming better able to operate within the social structures in which he operates—while also not surrendering his entire personality solely for marketing concerns or to make people around him better able to swallow him.  While I have my issues with some aspects of his arc, and he falls pretty badly flat for me in the endgame, the fact that he has that arc of surly self-refinement makes him feel much more compelling than the bulk of his classmates.

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, my favorite non-UA student is Shishikura, the meatball kid, and it’s because his authoritarian little gatekeeping routine, combined with the fact that his father was a guard in the extremely authoritarian Tartarus, made him an interesting foil to the more easy “good” students around him.  I think his scene commentating with Mic is extremely funny, but it’s his potential as a character who was so obviously aligned—and very self-righteously so!—with the more negative aspects of the setting that made him interesting.  (So of course Horikoshi squandered him completely, but that’s another post.)

So, yes, Momo being a snobby rich girl and Mina being a malicious gossip and Shouto being (more openly) heteromorphobic would have made me like them considerably more as long as the story knew they were and was writing with an aim towards critiquing those behaviors.  They could improve or not; a character facing some sort of meaningful-to-them Fall as a result of their flaws is every bit as valuable to me as a character who faces their flaws and strives to overcome them.  In essence, a character’s ability to meaningfully reflect the world they live in makes them more likeable to me, even if it also makes them unpleasant or morally dubious.

Now, given that BNHA runs in a magazine rather infamous for the pressures exerted on its stories by popularity polls, the likeability of the characters is something that Horikoshi has to be concerned with.  As you said, though, Endeavor and Bakugou are reliably very popular characters, and a large part of that is because of their flaws, so I’m unconvinced that it would be a net negative for the class to have fewer saccharine goody-two-shoes in it!  I’m sure it would make those characters more controversial with the crowd that thinks you can measure someone’s moral worth by judging their taste in characters, but, uh, that particular bit of terminally online wrongheadedness is not something I want to see media pandering to, nor which I’m interested in bowing to myself.           

Oh, interesting. So you would write the villains winning here? I have so many questions about that.

Gonna keep this one brief, but regarding this segment of your reply, the main thing is that I don’t think Shigaraki, if he’d been triumphant at that stage in the story, would have been trying to destroy Japan quite as comprehensively as Shigaraki triumphant in the endgame!  That’s not to say it would have been some kind of socialist utopia, from each as their (meta-)ability allows, but we wouldn’t have required a complete personality overhaul to explain why Shigaraki didn’t bury Japan in magma within 48 hours of waking up, either!

I’m not inclined to delve much into my thoughts on it beyond that in this space because, to be frank, your response to my off-the-cuff story revisions last time was complaints, disgusted meme faces, and baldly expressed dislike.  That’s fine; I’m not taking it personally or anything.  We obviously have vastly different opinions and on desires about the story, so you’re perfectly within your rights to not like the story I wanted anymore than I’d like e.g. your version of a fight with Hose Face!  But it does mean I’m going to have to turn down further requests to lay out hypothetical story revisions for you.

That said, I hope that some of my talk above about why I like flawed characters helps clarify that I don’t think Mina actually being shown wrestling with dark, vengeful thoughts and having some of her classmates notice[3] would further their development at the expense of her own, or would be making her “look bad” to make them look good.  If anything, I think it would expand on her inner life in a way that would show their comparative lack of reflection in a negative light!  You can think of that as using her as a tool to develop them if you must, but I prefer to think of it as just using everyone to develop everyone else, ensemble-style.

3: Male ones, yes, but only because those were the classmates on-scene she had pre-existing relationships with; if Tsuyu were there, I’d have mentioned her!           

Mocking someone's death in front of their loved ones as a psychological tactic is less awful how? 🤔 Just wondering.

“Loved ones” is a bit of a reach when there’s no indication Midnight saw Mina as anything beyond one of her students and Mina only says she loved Midnight’s classes, but setting that aside, yes, I do think, “mocking someone’s death in front of their loved ones” is worse if you do it out of pure sadism, a power trip based on nothing but the petty thrill of being cruel to a kid who’s likely less than half your age, than if you do it as a demoralization tactic against a kid with a dangerous quirk who’s acting as an agent of the government you’re trying to bring down.  I mean, they’re both awful, obviously, but at least one has a sort of strategy and reason behind it.

You’re welcome to hold that cruelty for its own sake is “better” because it’s less considered, though that strikes me as a position worth weighing carefully if one is also considering a position that the Heroes are “better” than Shigaraki because they have a strategic justification for torturing him with electricity.  My side commentary aside, I can even see why one might make the argument!  In a discussion purely about the ethics involved, either position boils down to arguing over whether Lawful Evil or Chaotic Evil is a “more Good” D&D alignment, which is a decades-old fool’s errand.  In the context of a confrontation between fictional characters where the hero is being tasked with demonstrating the superiority of their side’s moral stance, though, I do think a sneering, self-satisfied sadist is considerably “more awful” than an ideologically driven evil-in-deed pragmatist, if for no other reason than that the latter is good drama while the former is a lazy and unchallenging shortcut.

           So you think class B is better than class A?

The only one I actually like is Monoma, so take that as you will.  XD  But if the story’s going to explicitly tell us that they “advanced faster” than Class A, it’d be nice if it could give us some kind of explanation of what that actually, like, means?  If nothing else, we get some perfectly adept on the fly teamwork from nearly all of the 1-A kids against ShigAFO in that last stretch of chapters, so why shouldn’t merely three 1-B kids be capable of the same?

           I remember, back when Death Arms returned and helped after he had quit, you stated that you loved the premise, but that you were left disappointed that he solved a problem that he was suited for solving.

I don’t remember saying anything remotely like this, at any point, because I find Death Arms about as memorable as a math book.  I’m not saying I have never expressed that his return was conceptually sound but flawed in execution, but I’m 100% positive I never said I loved it.  XD  Sorry, just quibbling.  I mostly remember complaining about the whole sequence in the cube because I was so frustrated about how the material with AFO’s spies was handled.

           Although, I'm gonna play devil's advocate here for a second. Wouldn't the 1-B students trapping the Sludge villain through teamwork still count as the right people with the right Quirks solving the problem they were meant to solve?  Wouldn't it need to be a success from people whose Quirks aren't suited for the job at all, and don't even synergize well when put together?

Nah.  Teamwork is a major theme of the manga, so I’m perfectly fine with teamwork working—even moreso when it’s impromptu teamwork rather than meticulously laid battle plans where everyone has specified opponents they’ve been tactically pre-assigned.  That would be little better than everyone in Chapter 1 hanging back because they don’t have a perfect solution.  But three people using only the quirks and equipment they happen to have on hand to come up with a solution no one of them could have executed alone is exactly the change I wanted the manga to show me in the next generation.

(This, incidentally, is why I still have only eyerolls for teamwork that exists only to prop up Deku.  That’s only a marginal improvement from the teamwork on display at Kamino; it doesn’t count as evidence of a generational shift!)

           What were you thoughts on that chapter, btw?  And has your opinion on it changed with time?

Re: Chapter 280, I think it’s pretty bullshit, exactly the kind of thing you were complaining about in your own reply, a plot beat that kneecaps a female character so the male character can look cool instead.  Like, the underlying conception of the scene is realistic; I can’t really critique it on that front.  It’s just that, if it were a male student in that situation, they wouldn’t freeze to begin with, and even if they did, they’d manage to power through it and win somehow anyway.

Horikoshi can try to tell me all he wants via Kirishima that Mina had an important role in the ultimate takedown of Gigantomachia because Kirishima wouldn’t have had a shot to take without her (since he blew his own sleeping potion vial when he let it get sniped by Toga, possibly the single most effective female combatant in the manga), but it’s a bullshit excuse and I don’t buy it.

Now, I would have been more willing to roll with it if there had been some time afforded to really let Mina stew on it.  Kirishima (in his backstory) nearly changed his whole career path over his own freeze!  So even if I think it’s tiresome and annoying that she had to freeze up just so Kirishima could bring his character story full circle with no consideration of the hole it opened in Mina’s story, I’d be more open to it if it Mina had to bring her story around full circle likewise.  But that’s not how this story operates wrt the stories and arcs of its women,[4] and Mina’s no exception.  I’ve already talked about how Mina gets shortchanged in attention post-war plenty in these exchanges, so I’ll just refer you back to those if you want to go over my thoughts on it again.

4: Short form: women merely add shading and nuance to mens’ stories that are otherwise allowed to stand on their own two feet (see e.g. Rei and Fuyumi contributing different “valid responses to abuse” to the Todoroki Drama, Ochaco being an inspiration to Deku, Mina likewise to Kirishima, etc.) whereas womens’ stories are dominated by the men in them, to the point that any aspect of their lives that doesn’t revolve around men just gets off-screened (see e.g. Rei and Fuyumi being allowed a response to abuse that allows them to seek independence from the men in the family, Ochaco’s “Hero who saves Heroes” plot existing solely through the lens of her feelings about Deku, Mina having no internal life that doesn’t advance Kirishima’s story, etc).

           Having you tell me how you would've written Mina's part differently makes me want to do the same.  Would you be interested in that? I was actually planning on doing it all on this one post, but I've been writing for a while now (the whole day 😱), and I'm getting tired. I kinda feel like I should leave it for another post.  Only if you would be interested in such a thing, of course.

I would read it if it was reblogged from here or if I was tagged in it, but I can’t promise a response.  By all means, write it if you want to get it out there for other people to see, though!  Especially now that the series is over so we finally have the whole scope of the story to judge by. 

And that’s about all she (by which I mean me) wrote for this reply.  Sorry for any questions I skipped over because I’ve done all the talking about them I want to in this particular space, and hope you have a good whatever portion of the day you’re on when you read this!

More and More on Mina, Machia and the MLA

For my readers other than @randomvongenerico, please have this peremptory list of this very lengthy post's contents to help gauge your interest:

Some more discussion on what is or isn’t, would or wouldn’t be blameworthy about various characters’ actions (or hypothetical actions) during the war arcs.   

More discussion about Mina, chiefly about how (and why) her acid powers are handled compared to all the male characters with fire powers, and the way her plot points are poorly set up by the narrative, with the result of shortchanging her development.   

Yet More Complaining About How The Story Is Handling Heteromorphobia, this time featuring a compare and contrast on quirk-based bias as it might affect Mina, Bakugou and Tokoyami, as well as a dissection of Shouji’s contention that the only possible way to know about the violent bigotry in the rural areas of the country is to be from them.   

Some fairly extensive spitballing in response to questions about how I would have handled the scene at Machia’s prison compound if I were writing it, as well as why I have trouble conceiving of anything Hero Society could do to Hose Face for killing Midnight that would actually feel like justice.   

A little bit of basic talk about Tumblr, its functionality and some relevant slang.   

Buried at the very bottom, I stand up in front of God and everyone and explain in brief why Kaminari is a worse character than Mineta, with some particular focus on Kaminari as emblematic of the conflict between what the series tells us versus what it shows us about the legality of quirk use in careers other than heroism.

Hi again, rvg.  Because it's been forever since our last post exchange, let me say again that I appreciate the apology and want to thank you for being such a good sport about it.  Last time I had something like your initial response, that person told me straight out that they’d been condescending and antagonistic on purpose, though they regretted having done so after my reply.  I appreciated the regret, but would have preferred they take a day or two to cool off in the first place!  That’s the experience I was bringing to your comments, but I’ll keep in mind what you said about lack of experience with initiating chats and Tumblr in general.

For what it’s worth, yeah, there is a character limit on both asks and replies, so that’s the trouble you were running into there!  You might also consider using a cut next time before a really long post, though if you’re on mobile, I recall that being a difficult-if-not-impossible feature to find, and it’s not as important as it used to be ever since Tumblr’s started adding default Expand drop-downs on long posts.  That aside, welcome (belatedly) to Tumblr!  I hope you find some good people to chat fandom with; I’m always open to some back and forth about things I know well enough to talk about, though I’m, er, decidedly unprompt with replies.  And, as noted, definitely more of a villain fan, so probably not the most fun person for discussions on the kids.

That said, to your replies!  Other readers should note that, while I wrote all this roughly in response-order to rvg’s points, I reorganized everything after the fact to group together the broad topics.  I’ve tried to provide some bare minimum context for anything that would otherwise be too much of a zero-context non-sequitur, but if anyone wants to see rvg’s comments in their intended order and context, their reblog can be found here.  Otherwise, hit the jump!

  

Would You Have Held It Against ___?

But would you hold it against Mina if she had actually done more substancial damage to Machia? Let’s say, not the face, but Machia’s fingers instead of his claws. Machia still doens’t feel any pain. Would you chastise Mina for it? Even though she’s actively saving Mt Lady by doing that?

It’s hard to say for sure, since I imagine that if Mina’s acid had hit Machia’s fingers instead of his claws, we probably would just have seen them abraded and singed, like how Dabi’s fire damage was drawn on Hawks, not with chunks of skin melting off and exposing naked bone.  Physical damage in BNHA just doesn’t work like that, at least not against named characters.  If Mina were doing realistic damage, I imagine everyone else would be too, and then I’d be criticizing all of them, because, holy shit, that is not okay to do to people, any people, and especially not when you’re acting as an agent of the state.

But hypothetically, no, I think I would be more lenient even if she did do concrete and permanent damage to Machia’s hands, and it’s because she’d be doing it to save Mount Lady.  Shinsou could have taken control of Machia and then just had him lie still while whoever was in charge of this facility redrugged him,[1] and that would have been fine by me—disappointing, sure, but only because Machia’s interesting and I’d like to get more on him than we do, not because I’d be critiquing Shinsou’s actions.

It’s specifically Shinsou and the rest choosing to weaponize Machia against AFO that I object to.  Mina harming Machia would be taking that action herself, to protect someone that’s right in front of her, risking no one’s life but her own in doing so.  Shinsou throwing Machia up against AFO—which he’d made the decision to do before hearing Machia’s angry grumbling—is risking Machia’s life, without Machia’s consent.  And it’s not even for the sake of saving anyone, at least not anyone that’s right there in that moment—AFO is fleeing.

Sure, he still presents a huge threat to lots of people, but given that we’d just seen proof that AFO did not know about Shinsou’s power,[2] they could also have used Machia to, for example, rapidly transport the heroes to some place they could set up a second ambush to trick AFO into responding to Shinsou.  I mean, good god, AFO’s the chattiest villain in the comic; Hawks lured him into at least two extended conversations even after he’d resolved that he needed to leave.  He’s a Demon Lord and thus categorically incapable of shutting up.  And that would have been that, really.  Take control and let the clock run out; end of problem.

It would have been anticlimactic as hell, so obviously that was never going to happen, but there’s no reason the heroes couldn’t try for it, you know?  Instead of the bone-headed decision to just hand AFO his most loyal soldier on a silver platter on the thin chances that they could either prevent the brainwashing from being broken at all or that Machia’s upset would translate to both the capability and willingness to attack his master.

I’ve observed this problem in a few different areas, that Horikoshi sometimes writes the heroes, particularly Hawks, as not taking actions or drawing conclusions that, from their perspective, should seem sensible, well-reasoned, and with solid chances of success; instead, they simply disregard possibilities they should logically be considering but which the reader knows are dead ends, or they benefit from things they could not have known at the time they acted.  That hurts immersion because it gives the heroes victories, both tactical and moral, that they simply haven’t earned.  Shinsou’s control of Machia is a particularly egregious example.

  

Speaking of Monoma. Since we were talking about the morality of Shinso’s Quirk. Would you say Monoma using his Quirk to copy a villain’s Quirk and use it on him and his allies, would also qualify as something that should be criticized? I’m curious.

Nah, I don’t think so.  Taking an opponent’s weapon and using it to subdue him is a perfectly valid tactic, especially since Monoma’s method doesn’t actually deprive his opponent of their weapon, just replicates it for his own use.  It really all does boil down to Shinsou’s method forcing people to fight and hurt their own allies.  Mina causing Machia physical harm, Monoma using a villain’s own weapon against them, even the heroes’ surprise attack: none of those are remotely on the same “holy shit that is a literal war crime” level as what the heroes planned in advance to have Shinsou do to Machia, and what he willingly agreed to do well before he found out that Machia was not as opposed as the heroes thought.

  

I mean, I get what you’re getting at. I’m just wondering. If the heroes hadn’t launched a suprise attack, and had left the villains do the first move and come to them, would you then be criticizing them for being irresponsible and incompetent instead? Sorry for going on a tangent, it’s just something I’ve noticed when it comes to readers criticizing the heroes. It’s either people complaining that the heroes are too ruthless, or that they’re too nice, naive or not pragmatic enough.

(This is in response to some discussion of the heroes' actions in the first war arc's raid on the villa+hospital lab, not the second war's divide and conquer plan.)

I actually don’t really have a huge problem with the surprise attack in principle—I might criticize Cementoss ripping the building in half when there could well have been people on those upper floors, but otherwise, it’s hard to imagine what else the heroes could generally have done to deal with the numbers they were dealing with.  I mean, it’s basically just a scaled-up version of the attack on the Hassaikai base, and I don’t have any moral quibbles with the way the heroes and police handled that.

Rather, my problem with the raid is that I thought the heroes were too effective given the way their forces and those of the PLF had been set up.  It’s not the tactic itself that’s the problem (though individual acts of worse violence within the attack, like Hawks killing Twice or the attempts to outright murder Shigaraki in the tube, are still an issue), it’s the finality, the totality, of how effective the attack was.

To be brief about it (because I’ve talked about this at length elsewhere), I don’t think the heroes should have known where all the PLF bases were, I don’t think they should have been as effective in disordered mass combat as the PLF, I think the advisors should have put up a better fight in all cases, and I think there should have been enough members of the PLF in significant positions of influence or power that the HPSC couldn’t uncover them all, leading to complications when those members realized their organization was under attack.

As it is, the heroes handily win every fight they have with the sole exception of Gigantomachia and Shigaraki.  The PLF is neatly swept off the table save for a few “remnants,” with no attention given to the practical difficulties of detaining tens of thousands of combatants with no motivation to let themselves be quietly arrested, much less how the justice system is going to handle trying and sentencing them all.  That has repercussions going forward, as well: heroes clearing the board of all the (named) PLF members save Skeptic leaves the bulk of villain forces in the subsequent arcs to be prison escapees, and man, if the PLF’s moral nuance has been squandered, the depiction of the prison escapees is even worse.

The raid is, of course, only the first of two big surprise attacks the heroes manage.  I have significantly more issues with the second one, but most of that boils down to the fact that the divide and conquer/Tempt and Trap plan feels crueler, meaner, and much more openly aimed at extrajudicial murder.  And like, that would all be fine and in-character for Hero Society in general and Hawks, the main planner, specifically, but with Deku, Shouto and Uraraka all starting to think Save Villains thoughts, and fresh off the traitor reveal, the kids should never have been as collectively okay with the second war’s tactics as the story has presented them as being.  To echo an older complaint, good god, what universe is Horikoshi living in that he thinks the people that converted a place of learning into an arena they call a “coffin in the sky” are the heroes?

  

I was under the impression Midnight was off to the side from where the MLA minions were passing by, and the Skull Mask guy took a detour to kill her.

I’m not sure from this if you’re explaining how you read Hose Face’s attack on Midnight at the time, or if you’re maintaining that that’s an accurate read, so just to clarify, here are the panels in question:

As you can see, the PLF guys’ path through the woods has them coming in from directly behind Midnight.  Hose Face calls out that he’ll take care of her once they get close enough for the reader to make out who they are, at which point he gets out in front of Scarecrow and hits Midnight from the same direction as their initial approach: directly behind.  He most certainly doesn’t take a detour of any kind, but rather chooses the action that is going to get his group through the obstacle with the least amount of time and effort possible—entirely his prerogative as the highest-ranked member of the Guerilla Warfare regiment on-scene.

  

But if we classify this entire conflict as a war, wouldn’t that mean that both sides are free to use whatever tacticts and methods they feel like as long as it’s not a war crime?

If we classify it as war is irrelevant if the side aligned with the current ruling authority hasn’t done so themselves.  I imagine the Japanese government is in no hurry to validate the terrorists on an international stage by acknowledging that they’re numerous and dangerous enough to declare actual, formal war against!  Calling it a war drags in a whole pile of wartime conventions Japan has signed numerous treaties about; it grants the opposing side some legitimacy as a cohesive, organized force that will need to be negotiated with down the line.  As long as you’re calling it a police action, you don’t have to negotiate shit until you get to the plea deals!  Team Hero never declared war here, so yeah, I still expect them to carry out their plans and actions accordingly.

Also, in the thematic/meta sense, I expect the heroes to either conduct themselves as heroes—admirable, upright, heroic—or face the narrative consequences when they fail to live up to that ideal.  The hyper-encapsulated version of this conundrum is the recurring idea that attacking Shigaraki never actually prevents Shigaraki from coming back worse and more dangerous next time; the heroes are never going to achieve a different result by attacking him again but harder this time, and that’s why Deku is set up to finally try something different.[3]  I would just like it if what’s true on the micro-level could even be attempted on the macro-level.  Or, in other words, if the narrative is going to tell us that saving villains is the correct path, it can’t only demonstrate that for the villains with known-to-the-heroes sympathetic backstories.

  

General Mina Points

Regarding your analysis about Mina’s acid being underpowered because it’s harder/less believable to downplay the effects of acid than fire/explosions/etc. in Shounen Damage Logic, I think we’ll have to agree to disagree.  I don’t see anything wrong with just showing the Nebulous Abrasion Damage that’s the ubiquitous, default mode of illustrating nonspecific injury in this comic for Mina’s acid the same way we get it for the boys.

I can see your argument, but like, just for example, when Endeavor first encounters a Noumu, he bathes it in fire under the assumption that it’s a normal villain and then says he’s surprised it’s still up because he’s never seen anyone stay conscious after that attack.  Bathing someone in flames in real life is not a “knock them out” kind of attack; it’s a “severe burn ward for months” kind of attack.  If Endeavor’s been throwing that around at random criminals for thirty years, we are plainly very far away from realistic damage, and I’d be perfectly satisfied with treating Mina’s acid the same way.

If I had to take a guess as to why Horikoshi’s so staunchly avoided letting Mina cut loose—other than regressive gender politics—I’d say it’s that acid simply feels nastier or more morally dubious than fire.  Fire has positive as well as negative connotations; acid’s a lot more, shall we say, unilateral in the collective imagination, especially given what’s going to turn up if you run a web search for “acid attacks.”

To look at it in JRPG logic (and I don’t care if AFO’s admiration stems from a comic; that comic was clearly playing with Dragon Quest tropes), acid is pretty much the same thing as poison, and poison effects are chiefly the realm of enemy characters.  It smacks of underhandedness or cowardice in anything more cognizant than roving toxic plants or venomous beasts.  Certainly you see the occasional party member specialized for status effects who can inflict poison damage on enemies, but I can’t readily think of a main character that does.[4]

Perhaps, then, because readers are somewhat conditioned to think of acid as particularly dangerous and nasty compared to fire, and because there’s a limit to how morally dubious Horikoshi is willing to (consciously) write the students, especially the girls, Mina’s sharply limited in how she’s allowed to use her acid.

That said, I got a very hearty laugh from, “Just look at Dabi.  He can’t even kill himself with fire,” so thank you very much for that.

  

It’s as if Horikoshi only ever figures out what to do with Mina retroactively instead of in the moment (e.g. there were no interactions between Kirishima and Mina until AFTER Kirishima’s backstory, we never got any hint that would connect Mina’s and Midnight’s characters until AFTER Midnight died, when Mina speaks about not giving in to vengeance she references SHOJI’S WORDS which happened in HIS FLASHBACK, and then this whole chapter is technically a flashback too when you think about it).

That’s a big oof, all right.  I know about the Midnight non-connection and the issue of Mina’s anti-vengeance words having first been delivered by Shouji and relayed to the audience by Koda (it being his flashback, rather than Shouji’s), but I didn’t know there was no indication of Kiri-Mina connection until after his flashback.  Wowzers.

  

But also, in one of my comments I had left a link to a post analizing Kirishima’s and Mina’s characters and their dynamic. I don’t know if you checked it out or not, but it was a pretty interesting read. If you did read it, let me know your thoughts on it.

Apologies for not responding to that; I hadn't clicked it because I just wasn't terribly interested in the topic. Having checked it now, I can say that I'm unlikely to read it because I've encountered this person's meta before and, even at a glance, found it to be flawed for reasons I am not comfortable gabbing about in a public space. I'm sure they make some valid points, but I will have to respectfully bow out of reading and commenting on it here.

  

But what about Mina telling Kirishima that “now they’re even” though?

(This is re: my contention that Mina saves Shinsou, not Kirishima, from the Sludge Villain, and that Kirishima was never in any danger from the Sludge Villain.)

I mean, she can say it, but that doesn’t mean I have to believe that she/Horikoshi are accurately portraying the stakes involved.

  

Just for the record, you’re not saying that Mina not giving in to revenge isn’t noble in and of itself. What she does is indeed good.  You’re saying it doesn’t have any emotional weight because Mina has always been a morally good character, so you never thought she would ever give in to revenge in the first place. Correct?

Correct!  As I’ve said, Mina has perfectly healthy emotional regulation: when she experiences negative emotions like anger, guilt, or grief, she doesn’t dwell on them; she vents them to friends and finds healthy ways to channel them into bettering herself and the world and people around her.  She’s got a great head on her shoulders!  But all of that means that her giving into anger about Midnight’s death was never a remotely convincing threat to me.  Of course she wouldn’t; there’s never been a moment that foreshadowed that she was in the slightest danger of harboring that kind of obsessive, vindictive grudge.

That being the case, it feels unfair of Horikoshi to pin a big dramatic monologue on a desire for revenge which Mina was never shown to possess to any greater degree than any of her classmates.  She’s one of the last hero-aligned characters I’d have guessed if you’d asked me who was going to get a beat like that in the endgame.

(To anticipate the obvious question, Aizawa would have been my first guess; he’s even been written for it properly in the way he and Mic have responded to Shigaraki—clearly holding a grudge for something that would have happened to their classmate when Shigaraki was all of six years old.  Conversely, while plenty of the 1-A kids could have believably carried a “struggling with vengefulness” plot if they’d been written with it from earlier on, I don’t think there’s a single one of them who feels like a good match for it in their current incarnations.  Iida’s moved on from his Stain days too smoothly to buy it from him, Bakugou’s only real obsession is Deku, and Deku already had a whole arc of being obsessively negative and driven by dark desires to find and deal with a villain.  If any student was going to show up to the fight with bloody-minded revenge on the brain, it should have been Shishikura.)

  

But What About the Heteromorphobia, Tho’?

(Warning: Incoming off-topic harping about Shouji and the inane resolution of the hospital attack.)

I have even seen someone make a post on Reddit arguing that Shinso being discriminated for his Quirk makes no sense because it’s not villanous, and that it makes more sense for characters like Bakugo, Mina and Tokoyami to be discriminated because they have more villanous looking Quirks. I don’t really agree with everything that guy said. But he did bring up a good point. How come Mina doesn’t get side eyes from people due to her Quirk like Shinso does?

I will have to disagree with Reddit User That Guy that Shinsou’s quirk should be viewed as less villainous than Bakugou’s.  It sounds like he was conflating heteromorphobia with the bias against villains/"villainous" quirks, and while there is overlap, they’re still distinct categories.  Shinsou’s quirk inherently subordinates one’s physical body, allowing him to force his targets to act against their will, or potentially take the fall for things they didn’t willingly do.  Of course people are nervous about it or think it’s more villainous than heroic!

Conversely, the Number 2 Hero has been attacking criminals with fire for decades now, so I think the BNHA general public is more than ready to accept a hero whose quirk lets him fire off explosions.  The commonly accepted idea in the fandom is that “flashy and offensive quirks” are the ones most valued in heroes.  I think that’s a bit oversimplified—Crust was the Number 6 Hero and his quirk was neither—but it’s certainly true that purely elemental quirks (fire, lightning, wind, earth-shaping), no matter how damage-dealing they are, don’t tend to get treated as villainous in nature.  The real “villainous quirks” in the series tend to be the ones that are more creepy, dark, invasive, or impure.  Even Dabi’s fire is that ethereal blue, like spirit fires, instead of everyday orange-red!

Bakugou’s quirk is much closer to the “pure elemental” category than anything very villainous and, indeed, when he got kidnapped from the training camp and that one journalist was suggesting that he might have turned to villainy already, he based that suggestion on Bakugou’s behavior, his conduct during the Sports Festival.  Nothing was said about his quirk at all, but rather his recent public demonstrations of violence and “mental instability.”  That’s perfectly consistent, I think, with the biases we see elsewhere.[5]

Tokoyami has the potential to get hit by both the villainous quirk bias and the heteromorphobia, but I think Japan seeing ravens as emblematic of wisdom rather than death and rot would mean his bird head is less ill-seen there than it would be in the West.  I don’t think it would take much more than the proverbial One Bad Day to get him to a very bad place indeed, though—there’s a reason Mr. Compress judged him a good potential recruit!  Tokoyami was rescued before it became an issue, but if he hadn’t been, I’m sure we would have seen the same journalist mentioned above making similar statements about Tokoyami and his dark quirk/mien.

Mina’s an interesting case study in not experiencing a lot of the same sorts of discrimination others in similar situations do.  She has three distinct heteromorphic traits—her skin, her eyes, her horns—as well as having a potentially extremely deadly quirk which, as I discussed above, could easily attract judgmental side-eye because of the cultural view of acid.  So why doesn’t she seem to face discrimination?

As I said in the post you’re replying to—and as you mentioned is a common headcanon—I think a lot of it boils down to her relentlessly chipper attitude.  If she had, for example, Mustard’s personality, or Muscular’s drive to violence, would people be quicker to say that her Acid is a “villain quirk”?  If she glared more, would people be more creeped out by her eyes?  It’s possible, I think, that we would actually see her facing some of this if we spent more time with her, but the narrative doesn’t make that time, at least not anywhere Kirishima can see it.

  

Well, if I had to guess, I’m sure you would say that would make her a more interesting character. You might get to be interested in her character, which then would probably mean you would be even more upset and disappointed with this chapter.

Ahaha, very fair.  Honestly, Class A would have benefited tremendously from more kids with bite to them.  A Mina whose competitiveness had some real fervor to it, or a Mina who had some heaviness in her backstory she was faking her way through dealing with, would have been a good contribution to that.

  

It really sucks that Horikoshi had to justify Shoji being the only one to experience prejudice by clarifying that heteromorph discrimination is only still prevalent in small villages. I feel like it robbed characters like Tsuyu, Mina, Tokoyami and Koda of being part of an actual narrative and get more depth and development.

Before I talk about this, let me clarify something: Shouji’s line about what his classmates know about heteromorphic discrimination is an example of very crucial nuance being wildly different between translations.

The fan scanlation suggested that Tokoyami and Koda, who grew up in cities, must feel like such violent heteromorphobia resembles something out of a textbook, with the implication that the textbook in question is a history book.  They’re presumed to think that blood-cleansing rituals and children with scars like Shouji are artifacts of a terrible past, not a modern-day concern.

The official Via release suggested that Tokoyami and Koda could know that stuff like this still happens in rural areas because they might have read about it in textbooks.  They’re presumed to know that such rituals and scarred children do exist as modern concerns, but only out in the boonies.

Those are completely different propositions!  Which one was accurate was far beyond my capability to judge, but the official translation did feel a little off to me, so, as I usually do in such situations, I brought it to my trusty Translator Sis.  For possibly the first time ever,[6] she told me that Viz had this one wrong—that Shouji’s implication, to her eye, was indeed that T&K would think such violence was limited to the past, not that it was limited to rural areas.

That established, I was actually talking about that line from Shouji with a friend the other day!  I was aggravated that the writing would portray city-born heteromorphs as so oblivious to the problems facing them in other parts of the country when that seems so counter to my (American) perception of the ways members of threatened groups communicate danger to one another.

My friend reminded me that silence is a much more common Japanese way of addressing (or attempting to address) minority discrimination: trying to make a problem go away by starving it of conversational oxygen, treating oppression like an infection that needs to be quarantined until it dies out on its own.  In that light, it’s entirely possible that Tokoyami and Koda might not know this stuff because no one around them thinks it would be helpful to tell them if it’s not a problem they’re directly dealing with.  A lot of people propose the same approach to burakumin issues in real life, for example.

Also, technically Shouji doesn’t say that Koda and Tokoyami don’t experience heteromorphobia at all, just that the idea of fear and hatred that extreme, that violent, must seem like something out of a textbook, rather than something that happens here and now in certain parts of the country.  Also too, Tokoyami and Koda are teenagers; I can forgive them not having much understanding of life outside their own circle of experience.

That all said, it still feels more than a little telling that Horikoshi thinks everyone in Shouji’s whole class, including and especially all the other heteromorphs, could never have heard in their entire lives about acts of bigotry-driven violence against heteromorphs being carried out in the here and now.

While it’s true that silence is a widely accepted way to address these sorts of issues in Japan, they’re hardly universal!  Activist groups are out there trying to raise awareness, trying to get their issues on the floor of the Diet in hopes of getting laws passed about them.  There’s not some kind of media blackout on talking about it, and, indeed, I’ve read any number of articles from Japanese publications online covering such topics.

In BNHA, however, silence does seem to be universal.[7]

No one but Shouji is from a remote enough place that they knew about violent heteromorphobia.  No one recognized it as a thing that e.g. disadvantages heteromorphic heroes in the public approval ratings.  No one tripped over a magazine article about it and got curious enough to look the topic up online.  No one’s heroic mentors or family members have talked to them about it (particularly egregious with Koda, given the fairly strong implication that his own mother suffered it).  No one had a patch of morbid interests (Tokoyami) that led them to dabble in reading about real-life horror stories of human hatred, or an interest in how their society came to be that might have led them to reading about the CRC and realizing it still exists in the modern day.

They attend a hero school, and yet Shouji seems to be the only one with an inkling that there are heteromorphs out there who need, and have been needing, heroes.

That’s all a lot to ask of the reader, but what really pushes it past plausibility to me is what happened with the Ordinary Woman.  How close to the surface must violent heteromorphobia be even in the cities if the current state of Japan brings it all right back into the open in a matter of weeks?  That none of the students other than Shouji have ever even imagined that heteromorphs can still be victimized in this way represents an over-the-top ignorance that I have to read as either a bleak condemnation of the shallow focuses of heroes or reflective of Horikoshi’s own beliefs about discrimination and the understanding of it possessed by those who aren’t immediately threatened by it.

Whichever is the case, and with Spinner’s higher brain functions out of commission, it leaves Shouji carrying the whole plot on his back and he just can’t do it, both because the audience hasn’t had enough time with him to buy it and because the answers the series uses him as a vehicle to deliver are facile, victim-blaming nonsense.

...And here’s where I admit that even if the hospital attack had climaxed with a whole bunch of heteromorphs from Class A and B and the Pro Hero ranks acknowledging the mob’s feelings while pleading with them to not give into hatred and to stand down, I would still have issues if the resolution didn’t involve concrete suggestions and promises about how the heroes would address the mob’s grievances going forward.  Which canon very much did not, and just adding more voices to Shouji’s wouldn’t have changed that.  But my whole rant about that can be found in the relevant chapter posts, so I’ll not repeat it further here.

  

How Would I Have Done It Instead?

Let’s be real here for a second. Even if Mina had been the one to stop Machia. How would she even do that? I remember back when people were talking about when Mina would get her moment to shine, and that it would involve Machia again, I had serious doubts about that idea ever becoming true because I couldn’t think of a single thing she could do against him. I thought for sure Mina’s moment was going to be relegated to fighting Midnight’s killer, since that seemed more within her capabilities. In the end her shinning moment did indeed involve Machia, and no one really had a confrontation with Midnight’s killer. I actually want to hear your thoughts, if you happen have a thing in mind that you think Mina could’ve done to be the one to stop Machia. I’d love to hear it.+ Btw, since you brought it up, in what way could she have defeated the Sludge villain that would’ve been witty, or skillful? If you don’t have any ideas you don’t need to answer. It’s not that important. I’m just curious of the posibility.

Okay, so, this is the part that hung me up for the longest, because there are a few wildly different possible answers here.

The real truth is, if I had been writing this whole shebang from the start, this confrontation would never have happened this way at all.  Just off the top of my head, I think there’s no compelling reason AFO couldn’t have sent Toga into the hospital to activate and retrieve Kurogiri weeks ago, and with Kurogiri back in play, getting Machia would obviously have gone differently.  I would also never have disposed of the MLA as comprehensively as Horikoshi did; I would have had at least one or two instances where an MLA member who didn’t get uncovered by the HPSC in time was in a position to shift the balance in the villains’ favor—maybe one would have been with the police somewhere.

Barring a top-to-bottom rewrite of the whole arc, however? Well, I'd still say that, feeling as strongly as I do about how morally dubious this whole second war has been, even if I were telling this scene with the same components, I probably wouldn’t be writing towards a hero success because I don’t think the heroes have earned it.  The baby steps the kids have taken towards Saving Villains don’t go far enough for me to want to see the villains defeated here.  The biggest changes there would have been twofold:

1) Shinsou’s voice changer play shouldn’t have worked on Machia.

Machia has a sense of smell so incredibly acute that, if I were trying to logically explain how it worked, I’d make it a psychic ability that just happened to manifest as scent-based.  We’re talking about a guy who could track down Shigaraki after a teleport of over 270 miles, who could smell AFO’s vestige stirring from almost fifty miles away.  There’s absolutely no reason he should think for even a second that AFO is standing right outside his prison.

Now, we do know replications of AFO’s voice has an effect on Machia—we saw as much as the beginning of MVA!  But I would contend that back then, he didn’t have a big loud response to the recording, just curled up around his radio and started loudly purring.  In the scene with Shinsou, he actually responds as though he thinks AFO is there, but again, I don’t buy that Machia should have fallen for that, especially since he was woken by Hose Face’s device emulating AFO’s voice, which would have given his unbelievably keen senses enough time to register that it’s only the voice, not the man, that he's hearing.

But, with Machia up and not immediately prey to Shinsou’s ploy, the other big change I’d make with him becomes apparent.  The series has proved willing and eager to shitcan everything Shigaraki gained in MVA, but not me.  Shigaraki won Machia’s loyalty at the end of MVA, and if Machia’s cranky with AFO for leaving him behind again,[8] that doesn’t mean he couldn’t still have loyalty to AFO’s successor.

Given that his loyalty to Shigs is predicated on his loyalty to AFO, it might seem logical that AFO squandering the latter would free Machia of obligation to the former.  That’s a fair take.  But if it were me, I’d capitalize on Machia’s keen senses and what he was present for in MVA—Shigaraki saying that his followers should do whatever they want.  Hell, if the endgame likes flashbacks so much, let’s have a flashback of Shigaraki and Machia actually talking in ways that would let Machia distinguish Shigaraki and AFO.

In other words, I think Machia’s loyalty should supersede his anger.  If he gets free, his first reaction should be to go to Shigaraki, not to focus on his anger.  That way, it’s not a hero win rewarding their gross sky coffin tactics, but AFO doesn’t get quite what he wanted out of it, either.  This would be one part of focusing the narrative back on Shigaraki and his allies, rather than ruining Shigaraki’s hard work by letting AFO take over and piss it all away.

Incidentally, I will concede that, just because Machia shouldn’t have responded like a dupe to Shinsou mimicking AFO’s voice, that doesn’t mean Machia might not have responded at all—he could have rebuked Shinsou for trying to emulate Master, and that would have worked for Shinsou’s purposes just as well!  So to avoid that, I would add one more element to a flashback showcasing Shigaraki and Machia’s relationship post-Deika: have Shigaraki showing Machia a picture of Shinsou and warning him to be on the lookout for this kid, and to not respond to anything he says.

Horikoshi loves to tie back plot beats to pre-established elements, and one such element is, as I footnoted earlier, that AFO and Shigaraki watched the U.A. Sports Festival together, so they should both know good and well who Shinsou is and what he can do.  Knowing Shinsou’s SF-era capabilities doesn’t predict the voice changer, of course, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that, if the heroes are pushed to a point of desperation and they have access to a brainwasher, even a non-licensed one, they will try to use that brainwasher on whoever they think is their highest priority target.  Quite frankly, all of the higher-ups and key players should have known about Shinsou.

2) The kids shouldn’t have been tipped off that they were facing Midnight’s killer, or it should have come up in a different context.

Nothing interesting comes of the way the canon deploys it, thanks to Mina’s vengeful feelings having no grounding in the story, and the blunt way it’s brought up serves only to make Hose Face easy for the reader to write off.  As I said in the chapter post where he brought up “that U.A. teacher,” there’s no real reason for him to be focusing on Midnight specifically unless he has a personal reason to think she’s emblematic of the things about Hero Society he hates, or unless he was tuned in enough to U.A. personalities (knew who was teaching there, watched the Sports Festival to get a handle on its students, etc.) to realize that he was facing students he could potentially rattle by bringing up their teacher’s death.

The latter would offer a less awful read on Hose Face’s personality: He’s not bringing up the death out of pure sadism, but as a psychological tactic.  The former would give him some real characterization and motives while also giving the kids something to argue against, rather than the easiest possible reaction of, “Hay did u kno Might Makes Right iz bad?”

Alternatively, if Hose Face has nothing personal against Midnight at all, and doesn’t have an encyclopedic memory of hero wannabe high schoolers, he has no reason to specifically mention Midnight.  Even if the narrative must see her death “answered” in some fashion, it still doesn’t follow that the kids must get emotional closure for someone they lost to the undeclared war they were drafted into.  The audience can take some solace in perceived karma, but lacking a naturalistic way for Mina and the rest to connect those dots, the kids should just have to deal with him as they would any other opponent they come up against, because, surprise surprise, when you’re fighting in a war, you’re not guaranteed to see and know who’s on the opposite side of the gun that just shot down your best friend.

As another alternative, if we go with the idea that Mina was struggling with dark desires for revenge, maybe she should have brought it up!  Not as an accusation—again, she has no way of knowing she’s facing Midnight’s killer without him saying it—but just out of generalized fury with her opponents as a group, the same way Aizawa and Gran Torino hold the pain of their loved ones against Shigaraki when Shigaraki is not the one responsible for causing that pain.[9]  Maybe a more openly vengeful Mina could just freely state that her aim is to take down the PLF to avenge Midnight, only for the enemy in front of her to answer, “Midnight?  You mean that woman I killed in the woods on the day of Liberation?  Here’s your chance, then, girl.”  (Or whatever.)

Of course, Shonen Jump is not in the habit of validating heroes craving revenge, so Mina in that scenario would fail because rage would make her sloppy, same as with Deku, Iida, and so on.

So, in a scenario where Machia is up and not falling prey to Shinsou, but rather prioritizing getting to New Master Shigaraki, and the PLF is likewise loyal to Shigaraki and not AFO, I’d just let it work, because I’d be slanting this whole combat towards an overall heroic loss.  Give Mina a face to obsess over until next time but also let Kirishima get a good eyeful of it so he at least knows there’s a serious problem with his best friend and one of his hero inspirations.

Mineta would have a chance to weigh in, too, as he's a good middle ground: he's got his own anger about Midnight, who he adored, but he's also worried about how that anger looks on Mina. Mineta always worries about his classmates, but he's shared a pretty fair amount of incidental screentime with Mina specifically over the course of the series, ranging from her sweetly offering to put a harem moment into the band performance just for him to stuff like the Clockwork Orange gag, as well as more serious stuff like Mineta being the first one to ask aloud if Midnight's dead, with Mina warmly, and with a confidence it turns out she doesn't truly feel, reassuring him that Midnight's fine.

(I've said before that Mineta should have had more to do in the confrontation with Midnight's killer, but that's not just about his fondness for her. It's also about him being the first to question if the heroes didn't just make the whole situation worse, and, if Mina really took Midnight's death so hard it had her thinking about revenge, it should also have been about Mina and Mineta's shared experience surrounding that death.)

That all said, I suspect that what you really meant is, how would I have handled this scene if I had to use all the same pieces and be writing towards a heroic victory?  So let me at least touch on that.

As far as Hose Face goes, I actually think Kirishima might have been better suited to talking to him?  Like, Mina’s been friendly with people, sure, but I don’t really buy her most pivotal, “shining moment” scene being a bunch of talk about the strength of the weak coming together.  As best I recall—though do correct me if I’m wrong—it's never been shown that Mina regularly struggles with feelings of weakness or inadequacy.  It would be perfectly natural for her to do so after flubbing against Gigantomachia, to be sure, but the series doesn’t make the time to show it, so her lines about forming packs with others does not feel like a natural evolution for her arc.

Likewise, while she’s obviously been depicted as friendly and sociable from the beginning, her lines in 383 suggest that her sociableness has, and always has had, an ulterior motive: covering for her perceived weakness.  The lack of focus on her relationships from her own perspective makes that impossible to verify or even predict, so it just feels like it comes out of thin air, grabbed almost at random by the author in his attempt to find something, anything, Mina could say that would give Hose Face even a moment's pause.

Kirishima, on the other hand, has had a focus on his relationships, places where they’ve been pivotal to his own arc and the greater plot.  (I’m sure I don’t need to harp on this to you, rvg, but I’ll go over it to lay out my perception of these things.)  His relationship with Mina—the ways he’s trying to live up to her example, as well as his desire to support her when she falters—is a profound motivator for him, something we see much more explicitly and from his own perspective than we do Mina's feelings about him.  Meanwhile, while his relationship with Bakugou isn’t given that level of psychological exploration, it’s a critical factor in Bakugou’s rescue at Kamino, and we also get that bit of Bakugou specifically giving Kirishima some advice that leads to the latter’s Unbreakable mode.[10]

So like, we do get an angle on Kirishima and his sense of his own relationships with others.  That awareness allows him to demonstrate what is, I believe, the first unabashed moment of empathy for villains that a hero demonstrates in the entire series!  Specifically, I’m talking about that low-level gang mook he comes up against during his internship with Fat Gum.  That guy does a bunch of yelling about things that speak to Kirishima—fears of weakness, desire to be stronger, a need to help his “bros”—and Kirishima tries multiple times, even after being attacked, to express his understanding and sympathy for the man.

That being the case, if anyone were going to be able to make an impression on Hose Face via appealing to his sense of camaraderie and desire for strength, it seems to me that Kirishima has the better groundwork in place to sell the moment, regardless of whether he could successfully “reach” Hose Face in the way that’s being attempted with Shigaraki/Toga/Dabi.

As to the Sludge Villain, I’d probably either not have him there at all, given how much he claims he just wants to pretend to fight for a minute before getting the hell out of there.  He very much seems like he didn’t want to be here to begin with, so I can only assume that, despite AFO claiming the jailbreakers didn’t need to do anything for him but rampage, he very much did summon a bunch of them back anyway[11] for his final dramatic attack on Deku and Hero Society.

Assuming we’re stuck dealing with him, I’d probably let the Class B kids do it.   Have Mount Lady—who was there for the Sludge Villain’s rampage using Bakugou, and therefore knows what Sludgey looks like and that he can possess people—yell for people to stay away from him.  Let there be a moment of panic and confusion, where it looks for a moment like a repeat of the mess in Chapter 1 where no one had the exact right answer to deal with him, so no one’s willing to step up.

Then, in a 1-2-3 combo move that reminds everyone why Class B is said to have advanced more quickly than Class A, and just as Sludgey lunges for someone, have Yamagi use Poltergeist to manipulate him into a steel drum barrel being held by Yui, let her shrink it down to a good tight fit before dropping it, then have Juuzo soften the ground to half-sink it, top down, then resolidify the earth, trapping Sludgey for later removal.  Ta da, a neat demonstration of the next generation outperforming the old generation when it comes to on-the-fly teamwork and decisive action even when no one individual has the perfect quirk for solving a problem.

…This, of course, is assuming there’s no good way to actually get the Sludge Villain to talk in more depth about why he didn’t want to be here from the beginning and had to be threatened into doing it at all.  It would be nice if someone could broach that topic!  Maybe a quick not-too-serious handful of lines from Mineta, who has his own history of running in terror from fights he doesn’t think he can win.  But even with some sympathy, I imagine Sludge Villain would try to run away regardless, on the (well-grounded) suspicion that heroes are going to want him to go back to prison and finish his sentence, and that’s when B-tachi could step in.

So that just leaves Machia, Mina, and Shinsou.  And honestly, rather than having to power through it, I’d rather see Mina, in particular, talk her way out of it.  This draws on two things.  First, there’s the fact that she’s one of the kids who failed her Final Exams, with her and Kaminari being unable to figure out how to utilize their strengths to get out of Nedzu’s rat maze.   I’d love to see her demonstrate that she’s grown from having no plans but to brute force her way through obstacles!  Second, there’s this sequence:

This is a bit exaggerated, obviously, but the quick demonstration of how quickly and smoothly Mina is able to approach, scold, bond with, then deescalate people in tense situations is rightly portrayed as remarkable.  But where is that facility in real confrontations with villains?  Nowhere, really, save that airless stab at remarking on common ground with Hose Face and the PLF.

I obviously don’t expect her and Machia to wind up breakdancing together when the stakes are as high as they are, but Mina would have at least a bit of an opening—her encounter with Machia in middle school wherein she lied to him about where the Springer Agency is.  I don’t for a moment think that Machia’s forgotten her smell—I doubt he forgets anyone’s, though he may or may not care about them otherwise.

For this version of the scene, I’d probably play Machia as more ambivalent—tired of being abandoned over and over again by the people he’s tried so hard to be loyal for, so not immediately inclined to run off after them, open to a bit more dialogue.  He doesn’t fall for Shinsou for the same reasons I outlined above, so Shinsou and Mina have to talk Machia into acting—or at least stop him from just rumbling off to bury himself under a mountain for the next decade or two.

I don’t know how they’d go about making that argument.  Honestly, I don’t really think there’s anything in the story for Mina or Shinsou to fall back on (by which I mean earlier panels Horikoshi’s assistants can look up and copy/paste into the storyboard to accent a dramatic speech).  Maybe they could ask him why he’s so loyal to All For One and find some commonality, either through heteromorph discrimination or bias against villains.

Maybe Machia is torn on his loyalty, betrayed by AFO one too many times to want to help him but not sure where that leaves him on supporting Shigaraki.  Hearing this, Mina brings up that AFO is threatening Shigaraki right now, but also that a friend of Mina’s is trying to stop AFO/help Shigaraki,[12] so maybe Machia could help them with that and then decide?  Machia doesn’t trust her due to the Springer Agency thing, but that same experience does lead him to believe her when she says she just wants to help people, not hurt them.

That last bit has the benefit of providing an explicit reason for why Mina uses her quirk nigh-exclusively as a watery defense barrier or to take out inanimate objects: She long ago made an active choice not to use her acid against sentient people.  This would give her some room for a little motivation-establishing flashback of her own—maybe canonize that theory about her chipperness being at least in part a front!—and provide a nice alternative to the current state of Mina’s narrative, which has spent nearly 400 chapters refusing to allow her the same free hand people like Bakugou and Kaminari take with their quirks for no established reason.

This doesn’t give Shinsou much to do, but that’s okay: his moment comes against AFO instead.

I realize that Mina's fans want her to have a big badass moment, and simply talking down a confrontation is not the kind of thing that tends to get viewed as "badass" in a shounen battle manga. Sorry about that. She can still jump around and dodge a lot while giving her pitch? Maybe she could get a big badass moment later on? I dunno; that's just what I would do, and obviously my priorities for what it would be cool for the kids to do are not the same as the broader readership's.

I'm also not sure where that leaves the confrontation with Midnight's killer; I suppose that depends on how things go between him and Kirishima in this scenario. Maybe they leave without him when he tries to protest Machia accepting the temporary alliance, or maybe he's soldier enough to take the help where he can get it and worry about later conflict later. Obviously, at any rate, this is happening in a scenario where he hasn't immediately blabbed that he killed Midnight; that can come up as a nasty surprise later on.

  

But does that mean you think Midnight’s killer should totally get away with it scott free and suffer no consequences?

Hnnnngghh that’s a tricky one because I am an unabashed MLA stan and villain supporter and therefore deeply biased about this.  Like, I don’t think soldiers should be put on trial for killing enemy soldiers, no, even high-ranking officer-types.  Obviously it’s different if they attack civilians or are otherwise breaking the codes surrounding conduct during warfare, but I do think Hose Face killing Midnight was basically a soldier killing someone he perceived as another soldier, with no undue cruelty or misconduct.

However, obviously the series itself—and the state authority the PLF is openly trying to tear down in-universe—would disagree with me!  In that context, I can’t even really call the guy “a high-ranking officer” because that would, as mentioned earlier, convey more authenticity to his position than his government wants to grant him.  As far as they’re concerned, he’s probably more like “a key figure in the recent anti-government actions carried out by the terrorist group calling themselves The Paranormal Liberation Front.”  People like that tend to get executed in prison a few years after their short, perfunctory trials.

I suppose the problem for me is that the series wants me to believe that the MLA is Very Bad and they all deserve to be Locked Up Forever, whereas I want more nuance from them than that?  Even setting aside the probable cult upbringing, I have significant trouble unabashedly blaming the PLF for their actions because the series has done nothing to convince me that less drastic avenues for change are available or even survivable for them.

This was a huge issue with the hospital attack sequence, but it applies to all sorts of the setting’s problems: Other than, “Insist that victims of oppression should focus on providing a good example to future generations,” what methods for addressing inequality does Hero Society have?  I want to know what the villains should have done, what they could have done, about systemic inequalities and repression that would have been effective against a government that employs agents like Lady Nagant and Hawks.

The picture Nagant paints is of a society waging a war against anyone who sought to change the Hero System, a war that many people who sought change never even knew they were already in.  The examples she provides of her targets are, of course, corrupt heroes and would-be terrorists, but what her HPSC President said was even farther reaching: that the purpose of her killing was to “preserve hope and faith” in heroes.

The HPSC legitimately does not seem to believe that any system other than the current one is feasible for maintaining stability, and that any attempt to shake or besmirch that system is no different than throwing the country back into the chaos of the advent of quirks.  What’s a few missing activists or tragic accidents compared to that?

Horikoshi seems desperate to have us pretend he never told us that the government his protagonists are defending actively grooms assassins to enforce the status quo, but that’s not a genie he can put back in the bottle.  I see the current events of the series as, in some form or another, basically inevitable because of Hero Society’s active, even violent resistance to change.  Midnight’s death for that cause is thus something I have tremendous difficulty thinking of as a crime that needs to be punished.

Does that mean I think Hose Face should get off scot-free?  Eeehhhhhhhhnnnngh I hate to say it this plainly, but…

Maybe it does?

The thing is, I know that Hose Face is, canonically, a quirk supremacist trying to violently overthrow the rule of law.  In real life, I have no sympathy for people trying to institute fascism, regardless of whether they’re using legal mechanisms or armed force.  But in the fictional world of BNHA, I have nothing but disdain for the way the MLA has been turned into a caricature of themselves in this final arc.  In that sense, my dissatisfaction with Hose Face’s treatment is really based on the ideal version of him and all the rest of the MLA I have in my head—the MLA that’s allowed to have nuance behind their extremism, the one overflowing with members motivated by their lived experience with the flaws in Hero Society, with a generous helping of radicalization from the fact that they’re a cult as much as they are an army.

BNHA has scrapped all that potential and left us with nothing but naked quirk supremacy to fill the void.  In an endgame that’s trying so, so hard to sell the readers on Saving Villains, that’s just poison to the story’s themes, and my villain stanning comes directly from that issue: demanding consistent treatment for the characters whose tragic backstories we haven’t been permitted to see.

Hose Face is clearly a bad person—heck, I was headcanoning him as a hard-edged, ruthless killer even when all we had to go on was him killing Midnight, long before he showed up to espouse open quirk supremacy and gloat about killing a schoolteacher, so it’s not like I ever thought he was a super nice dude or anything!  But I guess I just have trouble with the idea that the current system deserves to be the one to decide his fate, when it has, to all appearances, gone to extreme lengths to stamp out any perceived threats to itself, to the point that the narrative itself is now openly delegitimizing everyone who might otherwise offer cogent critique.

It would be different if we had never seen the dark side of the status quo and the villains really were all just shallow, two-dimensional monsters.  It would be different if the narrative had shown us legal, nonviolent and effective avenues for protest and change.[13]  It would be different if Hose Face had killed some rando uninvolved civilian.

As it is, though, Midnight was a combatant for a terrible, terrible status quo.  She might not have been using lethal means herself, but she was defending a demonstrably lethal, openly acknowledged as repressive, system.  I just can’t find it in myself to demand justice for the fact that she died for it.

But with all that being said, I also don’t think Midnight is a bad person.  She never knew about the government assassins, after all; she’s a member of the system she grew up in, the same way the kids are.  She presumably never saw the extent of the system’s flaws because she was never victimized by them.  At the end of the day, she still deserved to be properly mourned and remembered and it is a crock and a crime that we never got to see her funeral.

If anything, I think Midnight’s funeral would have been an excellent setting for a scene where the protagonists start asking questions about how things came to this, what went wrong and where, that their teacher had to die.  What is it about Hero Society that’s led to tens of thousands of dissidents, and why haven’t they ever heard of this discontent before now That would have given us considerably better set-up for a nuanced PLF, an opening to talk about Shouji’s experience of heteromorphobia, foreshadowing for Lady Nagant, and, to bring this back on-topic, the opportunity to really show Mina struggling with everything that happened as set-up for her later confrontation with Midnight’s killer.

  

Tumblr, How Does That Work?

Honestly I was expecting some sort of notification about your answers if and when you replied to me. Is that not a thing?

Making my reply a fresh post, or just posting replies in the comments section of the post you originally commented on, would not have notified you without me specifically tagging you, which at the time Tumblr wasn’t letting me do.  This problem seems to have cleared up, so you should have gotten a notification about this post going up because of your name being tagged at the very beginning!

What you see for people answering asks depends on a few things. If you send asks anonymously, you won't get a notification if/when the person answers them; you'll just have to keep an eye on their blog. If you send them with your name attached, as you did originally for me, I could choose to answer those asks privately, sending my replies back to your Inbox, or answer publically, posting my replies to my blog. Either way, you'd be notified!

For this round of responses, if I'd just replied to your reblog in comments as you did with my original post, or reblogged your reply with a reply of own instead of staring a new post, you’d have gotten notifications about either!  But I don’t want to put this much wall ‘o text on my followers’ dashboards without a cut, so I haven’t been responding directly, for which I apologize.

(Disclaimer: Notifications can be configured in your Settings menu; you can toggle them on and off for loads of stuff! You might wish to check what you currently have them set for rather than just taking my word for it.)

On the topic of cuts, I mentioned at the beginning that the cut option is hard to find on mobile, but just for reference, it looks like this in the post editor on desktop:

It's the same icon on the mobile post editor, it's just on the far right of the bar of icons along the bottom of the app. My screen cuts it off, so I have to scroll the bar over to find it.

Like I said, the Expand dropdown button Tumblr instituted a little while back has reduced the need for this somewhat, and you can certainly do whatever you prefer, but as I believe having the Expand dropdown automatically clip long posts is still an optional configuration in Settings, I'd feel better about reblogging from you directly if you put the bulk of your reply under a cut.

  

Don’t know what “blorbo” means. Kinda sounds like a demeaning term, but I’m going to assume it’s not.

Sorry, it’s not intended to be demeaning!  It’s just a slangy affectionate term for “character you really like.”  In my experience, I’d say it also has a connotation of protectiveness or self-identification, though I can’t speak for the whole of the internet.  I like plenty of characters, but I wouldn’t call them all my blorbos, just the ones that I really and truly love and want to explore/share/defend their honor to the death.

  

Thanks...? Is, is that a compliment?

(Re: my telling rvg that we seemed to have similar issues with the way Mina was being handled, but they were more willing to do the mental legwork on her than me.)

It’s mostly just an observation, but not a critical one!  As someone who’s very ready to read into the canon every little drip of information the canon will give me And So Much More, I have a tremendous amount of fellow-feeling for people of like minds, even if our taste in characters is different.

    

Buried At The Bottom, Why Kaminari Is A Worse Character Than Mineta, Yes I Said It And I’ll Say It Again

>>I have observably positive feelings for about a third of Class 1-A and only particularly negative feelings about Deku and Kaminari. What’s up with Kaminari?

My irritation with Kaminari boils down to two main things—and forgive me, I know you didn’t ask about Mineta, but Mineta’s pretty important to my feelings on Kaminari being what they are, so he’s a part of this answer.  This is all going to be pretty openly dismissive of Kaminari, as a fair warning, on top of being based on not-exactly-rigorous familiarity with the student material, so apologies to anyone who likes him and finds him an enriching, valuable character. But man alive, that is not me.  And but so:

1) Kaminari is a watered-down Mineta, with watered-down versions of all of Mineta’s flaws, but because he’s watered down, the growth he experiences stands out less than Mineta’s.  More on this in a second.

2) Despite Kaminari being a redundant character who brings virtually nothing to the table that other characters don’t do better—with the only things that are unique to him going underdeveloped in canon—fandom loves Kaminari.  (Disclaimer: I obviously don’t spend much time in the hero-fan circles of the fandom, so this is just my perception.  I’d be curious to get your perspective of Kaminari’s relative popularity, rvg!)

To hit the second point first, Kaminari has a more conventionally attractive cute anime boy face than Mineta, so Kaminari’s pushing of his female classmates’ boundaries gets mostly ignored, while Mineta gets so many fics written about him dying that there’s a dedicated Dead Mineta Minoru tag on AO3 with almost 350 hits. 

Fandom built a whole tottering edifice of fanon about Traitor Kaminari despite the howling absence of compelling evidence in the manga[14] for, so far as I can tell, the sole reason that people wanted the cute anime boy to have crunchy angst.  Then, when the actual traitor reveals landed (first the fake-out and then the real one), fandom deemed Hagakure an ungrateful bitch and Aoyama a whining coward.

So like, the fandom discrepancy is what pushes me over the edge from the bottom end of neutral into active dislike.  But I would be awfully close to it anyway for the whole “redundant-ass character who contributes nothing to this story we couldn’t get better from someone else” thing.

Kaminari being kind of leery and unpleasant about his female classmates would be a lot more glaring if it weren’t stacked up against Mineta’s actual sexual harassment, even though Kaminari is a frequent co-conspirator!   

Kaminari has a brief tussle with fear at the beginning of the war arc, but it’s neither as sustained nor as convincing as Mineta’s frequent wrestling with cowardice, present from USJ all the way up through his terrified confrontation with All For One.   

Mineta is frequently, openly envious of his classmates, a whole extra flaw that Kaminari never demonstrates in more than fleeting glimpses.   

Kaminari’s quirk is redundant next to the other high offense types in the class.   

Kaminari’s personality is not distinct enough to add anything irreplaceable to the classroom dynamic.  That’s not to say he brings nothing to the web of relationships amongst the students or the ways the class as a whole reacts to the events of the series, just that what comes to mind for me is mostly extra layering to existing dynamics, not anything truly original and unique to him.  Which would be fine—I love extra layers!—if he were contributing more as a character on literally any other fronts.

I can think of only two things that Kaminari uniquely brings to the table, but both of them are mentioned once and then never come up again.  Firstly, he’s the only one in the class to voice open admiration for Stain, a willingness to admire cool traits in Villains that never leads him to any interesting conflicts with people (classmates or otherwise) who hew to the more standard flat refusal to consider that a Villain might have or express positive aspects.

The other thing is less about Kaminari himself and more about how he’s one of three places where the story brings up the idea of people using their quirks for non-hero jobs and then refuses to develop that premise.[15]  It’s interesting worldbuilding, but as far as I’m aware, it’s never directly shown—everyone we see using their quirks (legally) in the series is doing it as a hero.  We never get much sense of what other options there are for quirk use because heroism and villainy are the only contexts we ever see it in!  This would be a little annoying on its own, but I also find it undermines a lot of other established facts and characterizations.

(Bear with me and I promise I’ll loop this back around to Kaminari.)

My interests being where they are, the biggest problem for me with the fuzziness about the legality of quirk use is that it leaves Destro and the MLA with no coherent cause.  They want free quirk use, but are they really so incredibly averse to just getting a license that they’re willing to become terrorists over it??

You could argue that naked quirk supremacy is what the MLA is currently after, and that’s obviously incompatible with the laws as they stand, but Destro Classic is never really framed as a quirk supremacist, so why did he so virulently despise the quirk use prohibitions if all they really did was require people to get a license to use quirks in public, no different than a driver’s license or a permit to serve alcohol?  Sure, you get small clutches of people sometimes with that kind of “any government oversight is bad government oversight” black-and-white thinking, but the original MLA was a powerful enough force to stand against the government for years, which doesn’t exactly scream “a handful of malcontents” to me.

Rendering the MLA’s cause mindbogglingly asinine is my biggest problem with the “other jobs can get quirk-use licenses too” tidbit, but there are also things like how totally invisible the entertainment or sports industry is.  That would make perfect sense if quirk use is illegal in those fields—people want to see cool superpowers getting used, so industries that bank on public attention dollars but can’t have their celebrities use their quirks are going to decline when they can’t compete with industries/celebrities that can.

If quirk licenses can be gotten for all sorts of jobs, though, then why have sports and entertainment become so invisible?  If “frivolous” fields like those are not aren’t seen as “contributing to society” enough for quirk use permits, then which fields do?  Why does HeroAca!Japan still mostly look and behave like IRL!Japan if quirks are in use in “all manner” of industries?  And if it isn’t the case that heroism—a dangerous job which sometimes gets people killed and which generally requires cultivating a socially demanding public brand/identity—is the only path to being able to use the special power you were born with to earn a livelihood, why does every single middle-schooler in Deku’s class and countless other classes across the country want to become a hero?

I just feel like the way the world looks and operates, the kinds of repressiveness described by even the heroes, the structures that drive people into heroism and villainy alike—the former because they don’t see any other viable way to achieve the happiness they’re looking for, the latter because they can’t become heroes but still have desires that their quirks could help them achieve—all of that makes much more sense in a world that has super powers but has tightly restricted their use to a single job class of person.

So, tying back, obviously that’s not a fault of Kaminari’s, but he is the character where that gap is most apparent.  If there aren’t many lightning heroes because lightning is in high demand in other industries, it would shed significant light on who Kaminari is as a person if the manga would tell us what those other industries are. 

What other paths could Kaminari have chosen?  What’s so much better about those other industries that people with quirks tailor-made for heroism,[16] in a society that worships popular and powerful heroes, are so willing to choose those other industries instead?  Why did Kaminari not make that same decision?  What does heroism mean to him personally that he chose it when so many others in his situation did not?

Kaminari could present a huge in on that angle of the worldbuilding, but instead he’s a complete dead-end.  Mineta’s motivations are base as hell, but at least we know what they are!  Further, it tells us interesting (uncomplimentary, but interesting!) things that people like Recovery Girl and Deku hear said motivations from Mineta’s own mouth, and shrug and accept them as perfectly valid.

And that’s just his professed motivations!  His final exam scene actually drops an early hint about the admiration for Deku he’ll later wholeheartedly declare in the 1-A vs Deku fight!  I don’t remember Kaminari ever getting anything a fraction so revealing; he just coasts through the story contributing nothing unique or meaningful.  He’s hardly the only 1-A character with that particular lack of depth—Sato, Sero, Hagakure and Ojiro are all similar blank slates in terms of their motivations or histories—but then, none of them are a fraction as popular as Kaminari is in the fandom as I experience it, either.

So to sum up, I dislike Kaminari because he’s a wishy-washy nothing of a character, a generically Inoffensive Anime Cutie Boy adored out of all reasonable proportion compared to more compelling and equally underdeveloped classmates alike.  Mineta is, by any measure, more problematic, and it's even worse that U.A./Aizawa are so blasé about him, but, at least from where I’m standing, he’s still more layered, more compelling, more dynamic, and speaks in more interesting ways to the world around him than Kaminari ever comes close to matching.

(…Kaminari’s thing with Jirou is fine.  Perfectly reasonable character relationship building material.  I just don’t count it one way or the other because it’s a self-contained relationship dynamic that has no bearing on the way either character engages with the broader world/system the series’ overarching narrative is challenging.  They motivate each other in small ways, but that motivation doesn’t lead them to truly grow or change as people, only to overcome modest internal confidence hurdles blocking them from things they already wanted to do anyway.)

--

And that's it! Thanks for forging through, good lord, over twenty pages of this, rvg and anyone else who did! I hope you were at least moderately entertained, give or take my blatant Kaminari slander. See you next time, and enjoy the Footnotes.

---------------- FOOTNOTES ----------------

[1] We’re not shown any personnel or drugs or anything, but I assume they’ve been keeping Machia drugged since Jakku, same as Kurogiri in between interviews.  It’s the only thing that worked on Machia before, so why wouldn’t they have more on-hand?

[2] Despite watching the Sports Festival with Shigaraki, natch.

[3] I would like it if he would do that with a lot less insufferable power scaling bullshit, you understand, but I’m spotting the comic its plot arc here.

[4] Outside of, say, the Persona games, where the MCs can change ability sets by swapping out what companion spirit they’re packing, but even that doesn’t make them specialized for status effects, merely capable of using them.

[5] Interestingly, while Bakugou fought off the villainous sales pitch with as much verve as he brings to all his fights, if he had fallen off the righteous path there, we might have observed that his pridefulness was explicitly fostered by the people around him giving him excessive praise for his powerful quirk and ignoring his resulting violent arrogance.  That is to say, Bakugou would have fallen under the same, “Villains are created by the failures in their society,” pattern that BNHA applies to all of its sympathetic villains.

[6] There was one other instance, but iirc it was an error in the translation C.Cook had done for the BNHA databook.  It would not surprise me that he was being less careful or was more pressed for time when translating the reams upon reams of text in one of those.

[7] At least until the fifteen-thousand-strong mob shows up.

[8] Which frankly should be all he’s sore about.  As others have pointed out, Machia’s anger about being abandoned is kind of incoherent.  Yes, AFO left him on the battlefield, but he didn’t exactly leave him to rot in prison forever.  The moment AFO made his big push, he sent people to spring Machia, so in what sense exactly does Machia think AFO abandoned him?  If it was just the last straw after a string of abandonments from both AFO and Shigaraki, the manga could have stood to make that much clearer.

[9] AFO and Ujiko created Kurogiri out of Shirakumo—as a babysitter for Tomura, yes, but Tomura didn’t choose that.  And as to Shigaraki’s very existence trampling on Nana’s memory and causing All Might pain, well, Shigaraki didn’t ask to be brought into the world, abused by his father, neglected by his family, and then raised by a supervillain, did he?

[10] And speaking of Unbreakable, compare how explicitly we’re shown Kirishima’s growth and the foundations of it with how the inspirations for Mina’s attacks are relegated to passing mentions, not direct depictions.  She just casually tells Kirishima that his Unbreakable inspired her Acidman, and likewise only internally reflects on asking Bakugou and Todoroki to teach her their training method, which let her develop her Max Power Acidman Alma move, without so much as a single scrubbed in doodle depicting said training assistance.

[11] Somehow.  The story is unclear on whether he disseminated threats, contacted them directly, or just used the combination of Search+Warping to drag them all back into his presence, and that last option in particular runs into complications given the limitations of both quirks.

[12] In this AU, we would have gotten to see the class have an actual discussion about Saving Villains, prompted by the way the reveal about Aoyama solidified Deku, Shouto and Uraraka’s desires to help their respective villain foils.  The class would carry that resolve forward not only for those three villains alone, but also Shouji for Spinner, Kirishima when talking to Hose Face, Mina, here, with Gigantomachia, etc.

[13] None of the things I can think of that might be considered evidence of protest meet all the criteria.  The original MLA became violent, Harima Oji was a lawbreaker and also ineffective in the long term, the small group that yells at Endeavor and the rest in Chapter 311 is not portrayed as linked to any broader efforts to unseat “fake heroes,” and the group that “condemned” the newscaster Miyagi Daikaku was ineffective and didn’t even seem to rise to the level of open protest.

[14] "His grades are poor but he namedrops a Hemingway novel! He must be concealing the fact that he's actually super-smart!" "He's doing a Liberation salute! He must be the traitor, even though the Liberation salute uses the other hand, and Kaminari has been using finger-gun gestures to fire off his lightning attacks since at least the License Exam if not earlier, and the League had no connection to the MLA at the time when the traitor was most active!"

[15] A blurb about Kaminari in, iirc, one of the volume extras, Suneater’s flashback to a teacher telling his class that they can “make fine use of their quirks at any number of jobs,” and Uraraka’s early mention that she’d considered “getting permission” to use her quirk to help with her parents’ construction business.

[16] See the previous discussion about the kinds of quirks that are popularly accepted as “good hero quirks.”

[shurisneakers]

harmless (ix)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, sex jokes, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader, anxiety

Word count: 3.9k

A/N: a lot of requests came in last week, so cool and thank you for sending them in!! i’ll try my best to write them if they weren’t originally what i had planned for this series bc they’re so cute kfjdghdf. also hey shoutout to @i-reblog-fics-i-like​ for suggesting the backstory thing! 

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Additional Scene   || Previous Part  || Series Masterlist

Hot single in your area! 😈  Find your solemate! 

Somehow it bypasses Bucky’s spam folder and is in his primary email. SHIELD tech is too advanced to let fake mails like this reach him and this doesn’t make sense. Unless it was one of the stupid dating websites he signed up for.

Leaving aside the obvious typo in the subject, he clicks on it, hoping it doesn’t unleash a virus onto his computer. 

He’s instead greeted with a poorly Photoshopped picture of you at a bar with a martini in your hand. He doesn’t have to look too hard to see that the martini is, in fact, an emoji. Off to a terrible start already. 

Right beside it is an even worse image, an imitation of an early Internet chat box.

Harbinger of Doom just sent you a message! 

Come to the empty lot near lair. Bring goggles. 😩💦

Decline/Accept

He wants to strangle you. 

______

“Why did you curse my eyes so early in the morning?” He spots you at the top of the lair, speaking loudly so that it hopefully reached you. 

“What?” you yell back down instead. “If you’re saying something, I can’t hear you.”

He rolls his eyes. He pulls his phone from his pocket and presses on your contact. 

He watches the look of confusion morph into one of slight surprise when you reach into your pocket and pull out your call.

“Don’t ever send an image like that to me again,” he says directly.

“If that one image is too much for you, how will we ever make our sex tape?”

His mouth opens and shuts like goddamn fish.

He can hear your laughter even without the phone.

“First of all- stop laughing- first of all, a sex tape is never going to happen. Second of all, I have a debriefing to go to, we need to make this quick.”

He holds up a finger when he sees you begin to say something. By the look of trouble painted all over your face, he knows it’s going to be a dumb innuendo. 

“Thirdly, why are you standing there?”

“I watched The Last Airbender,” you say once your cackling dies down.

“I like that show.” He did. Peter sometimes watched it when he came over and Bucky more often than not joined in.

“I know, you told me.”

Oh. 

“Okay, what now?” 

“Put your goggles on.” You take one step towards the ledge. 

“What are you doing?” The goggles don’t do anything to shield him from the sun, considering that they’re not tinted. Maybe he could invest in those.

You send him a smile, taking a step further. His walk towards the building turns into a jog, then a sprint when you’re basically standing on the edge.

You spread your arms out like Jesus Christ himself before flinging yourself off the building. His stomach drops.

His phone falls to the ground, discarded to the side as he sprints to break your landing. 

It never comes. 

Instead, a gust of wind smacks him in the face, forcing him a few steps backwards. 

“I am now an air bender.” your eyes shone. “Kind of.”

Just like that, the show was ruined.

He wipes the dust on from his glasses that he now understands why you made him wear. Considerate, for a person who nearly just gave him a heart attack. 

“Why.” It’s not even a question, just a statement. 

“You know how the Tower has a giant ‘A’ on the side?” 

He stares at you. 

“I‘m gonna spray paint ‘asshole’ on the side of it.”

Pepper would not like that. 

“That’s not even evil.”

“Yeah, but it’d annoy your super friends,” You do a flip midair, testing out the repulsors that were tied around your palms, “and I’m the voice of the people.”

You’re too high for him to reach. He doesn’t have his tools, or anything useful on him considering that he never had to use them before. He couldn’t even launch himself at you from the side of the building because you’d just move out of the way. He could jump really high but it would just have the same consequence.

He could talk and keep you distracted but that worked once, it wouldn’t again. At least not for long. 

Fuck, he really had only one option. 

He leaves you to do your somersaults and turns, walking over to where he dropped his phone. It’s an upgrade from the brick he was using a while ago, but not a high end Stark model. A smartphone, but barely.

He sighs, punching in the number and holding it up to his ear.

“Who are you calling?” you yell from above him. 

“Go back to your shitty aerobics,” he yells back.

You pause for a second. “Was that a fucking pun, James Bar-”

The dial tone ends when someone picks up. He diverts his attention back to the call.

“Hey man, I-

“No.”

“You didn’t even let me finish.”

“It’s probably something stupid,” Sam doesn’t even sound annoyed, just uninterested.

“I need your wings.”

“I was right. Bye.”

It was a long shot anyway.

“Fuckin’ hold on a second.” He sees you disintegrate a concrete block by having it drop from the air. “You come here and fix this, then. She’s air bending now.”

“...like Avatar?” Sam unsurprisingly got the reference. 

Peter’s interests were usually shared by everyone in the Tower, just because they had to compensate for the teasing he had to endure. It led to a lot of geeky documentaries and occasional musicals. Bucky wouldn’t be caught dead humming songs from Thoroughly Modern Millie under his breath. 

“Yeah.”

“You want me to come and fight your girlfriend,” he says slowly. 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Bucky urges, “and yes, I need help. Can’t exactly reach her when she’s twenty feet above me.”

“We have a briefing in 30 minutes. Why did you even go there today?”

He doesn’t know how to answer that. Just looks up at you smacking one of the repulsors against your thigh when it sputters for a second. It’s tradition. 

“Well?” Bucky ignores his question.

“Fine,” Sam’s voice is distant for a second as he agrees. “Clint’s asking if he can come too.”

“Fuck no.” One of them was more than enough and Sam was way better at negotiation. 

He hears a faint profanity from who he assumed was Clint before the call cuts.

He takes a seat on the ground and waits.

“You’re not going to make any effort to stop me?” You have your arms pressed to your side, palms pointed downwards to keep you afloat.

 “I could just throw things at you again.” He makes a mention towards the small pebbles.

“I will fuck you up if you even try,” you warn. He lifts his arms in surrender. “So that’s it. You’re just going to sit there.”

“To be honest, I couldn’t care less if you painted the building,” he says with the least amount of interest he could muster, not that that was very hard.

“Do you not like your team?” 

“I do.” He isn’t lying. “But they’re little shits.”

“I can draw a couple of dicks on their window, no problem,” you say offhandedly.

He looks up at you through his fingers. “That won’t be required.”

Although it was appreciated. 

“Cool, so then I’m gonna go.” You make a mention of the utility belt on your waist. He looks at the many spray cans that decorate it. 

“What colour are you going with?” he interrupts quickly. Fuckin’ Sam. What was the point of wings if he couldn’t get here in 2 minutes?

“Red, probably.” You look down. “I got purple and white just in case.”

“Building’s dark, red is good.”

“You really don’t care, do you?” You lower yourself down to the ground, a few feet ahead of him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” For fucks’ sake, Sam. “You really don’t like superheroes, do you?”

“I don’t have anything against them.”

“Then why do you do this every week?”

This was wading into personal territory and he did not like it. 

“Well.” Your eyebrows knit together. “Because I want to. It’s fun.”

“No other reason?”

“Do I need to have another reason?” You push your palm downwards, sending you back up into the air. “Can’t I just be evil because I want to?”

“Sure,” he says. He’s heard worse reasons. “Why not?”

“Besides, if you think I don’t like superheroes then you should meet Jake.”

“Who’s Jake?” He hadn’t ever heard you mention him before because he’d remember if you had.

“My roommate.” 

“I didn’t see him when I came over.”

“That’s because we’re not conjoined at the hip.” It takes you a second to stabilise. “Besides, he grabbed the water while I got the bracelet but he refused to come say hi.”

Bucky looked down at his wrist. It was still there. He found himself fidgeting with it more often than not.

“He hates superheroes?”

“He has a valid reason.” Your eyes widen in worry when your head suddenly dips. 

“What is it?” He knows the height at which you’re at isn’t very dangerous but if need be, he’s close by. 

“Come find out.” Your eyes shone mischievously. “But yeah, no reason for me to be evil.”

“Not even a tragic backstory?” 

“None. But if you want it, I can give you one, Barnes.” You test the waters, seeing how long you can lie horizontally. “Can’t promise you’ll like it though.”

“Try me.” He has time to kill. He’s a good listener.

“Well, it all started with my family- a troop of gorillas.” You flip over to lie on your back. “They practically raised me, they did. Until my gorilla mother died and I was all but consumed by grief and-”

“Your mother was a gorilla?” He entertains the notion. 

“Or was it my father?” you ask thoughtfully. “I don’t know, I don’t remember. Anyway, I met a-”

“Just to clarify, none of this is real, right?” he interjects. 

You stare at him. He stares at you.

“Bucky, that’s the plot of Tarzan,” you say slowly, “or at least whatever I remember of it... which I’m beginning to realise isn’t much.”

“Just clarifying.” He leans back again.

“Anyway so then when my mother, the deer-”

“Gorilla.”

“Whatever. Was killed, I escaped to some place-”

“Where?”

“Somewhere. And I stayed with these seven men-”

“Why seven?” He actually remembers watching this movie with his sister when it came out. An early memory, a bit faded. He remembers how long he saved up for the ticket.

“Because character development. And then I realised the reason my life was so weird was because there was a rat controlling me by pulling on my hair-”

“What the fuc-”

“If you ask any more questions, I’m going to stop.”

Bucky blinks at you. “So that’s your backstory.” 

“Raw and uncut, baby.”

“Just to get this straight, your mother, the gorilla deer-”

“Witch.”

“Huh?”

“She was a witch who stole my hair.”

“Wha-”

He’s interrupted by the giant shadow cast by something that flies overhead. 

Fucking finally. 

He doesn’t even have to look up. Sam does a small glide to the ground, landing gracefully beside him.

Bucky finds you speechless but straightened up from your earlier posture.

“Buck,” Sam greets him.

“Sam,” he says in return, getting up from his place. 

A grin spreads across your face. “Mr. Sam Wilson. No way.”

“You’re Y/N, I’m assuming?” Sam offers, posture relaxed. He clearly wasn’t here to fight. 

“The one and only.” You tear your eyes away from Sam to glare at Bucky. “Barnes, if you had told me we were expecting guests, I would have dressed better.”

Bucky furrows his eyebrows in suspicion at you. You’d dress up for Sam. 

You dressed up like a suburban tourist dad for him. He was feeling the offence incoming. 

“Can’t count on him to be useful in any situation.” Alright, he did not call Sam just to have the both of you team up against him. 

“Normally I’d agree with you but he did just invite you here, so...” you trail off, looking at Sam expectantly. 

What the shit.

Sam smirks. Bucky switches rapidly back and forth between the both of you.

“I see why Buck keeps coming back every week.” It doesn’t take long for him to catch on, enlisting a feeling of triumph from you. 

“I can’t see why he doesn’t just stay at home everyday if this is the view.” You gesture to him.

This is not what Bucky wanted.

“Okay,” Bucky interrupts, “what is going on here?”

“Pure chemistry, I’d say.” You’re half tempted to bite your lip to seal the deal.

“I agree.” Sam just nods, completely and utterly serious. 

You think that you’ll give him a gift basket just for playing along despite meeting you for the first time at that moment. 

“Get a room.” Bucky rolls his eyes.

“Maybe we will.” You tap your finger against your lip in thought. “How do you feel about Indian food, Sam?”

“Very positively.” 

Bucky grits his teeth. “If you’re not planning to spray paint the Tower, can you just hand over the repulsers so we can go home for the day?”

You let out a small tsk in disapproval. “See what I have to deal with?”

“Can’t imagine how you do it every weekend,” Sam says dryly, not wasting a second in replying. 

“Hello?” Bucky waves his arm around. “She’s the villain here.”

“Your face is the villain here.” You tear your eyes away from Sam only to glare at him. “He won’t even wear a cape. Why am I the only one who brings their A-Game every week?”

“Sam just get the damn-”

“You should wear a cape, man.” Bucky’s absolutely sure that even Sam knows it’s a ridiculous idea.

“I’m not wearing a fuckin’ cape,” he grumbles. 

“What are your thoughts on swords, then?” Your finger finds a place under your chin in deep contemplation. “You’d look great with a sword.”

Bucky buries his face in his palms. “Sam, for the love of God.” 

“Okay, alright.” Sam finally gives in with a small chuckle. He runs a few steps to get a small head start before launching himself into the air, whizzing past your levitating figure. He does a neat little flip midair before matching your height.

Showoff.

“How difficult are you gonna make this, Wilson?” you ask, a smirk on your face.

“Jesus Christ.” Bucky exhales, looking at the both of you through his goggles. 

“What’s your play here?” Sam calls out loudly.

“Was gonna spray paint ‘asshole’ on the side of the Tower.”

“After the ‘A’?”

“After the ‘A’,” you confirm. 

“Now that’s too small,” Sam tutted. “You gotta think bigger. Paint the whole Tower.” 

“Sam!” Bucky looks horrified. 

“Hmm.” You look like you’re considering it. “Don’t have enough paint for that though.”

“You’re an evil genius, right?” Sam casts a small glance at Bucky. “At least that’s what he tells me.”

“You talk about me?” You grin at the disgruntled man on the ground. 

“I don’t,” he mutters, shaking his head. A lie.

“Yeah, so build something,” Sam points out. “Get some more paint. I’ll even tell you the best vantage points to spill it.”

“No, he won’t,” Bucky shouts from below. 

“He’s just cranky because he didn’t get his prune juice this morning, ignore him,” Sam dismisses him.

Prune juice? He was a young 100, not ancient. 

“What’s your favourite colour, Falcon?”

“I like red.”

As annoyed as Bucky is right now, he stores that away in his memory for later. He also knows Sam loves seafood and a good pair of shoes. 

“A couple of gallons of red paint it is, then.” You lower yourself to the ground, Sam slowly follows suit until he lands beside Bucky.

“You know we can’t let you go without taking those, right?” Bucky tilts his head towards your invention.

You narrow your eyes at him. He doesn’t budge.

“I’ll tell ya what,” Sam pipes in instead. “I’ll keep them until you finish getting the paint and once you’re done, we’ll make an evening out of vandalising the Tower.” 

Bucky may not enjoy his company all that much but he admires Sam’s diplomacy. Of course, you would never make it this easy while reasoning with him.

“That a promise, Mr. Wilson?” You raise your eyebrow at him questioningly but are already in the process of removing the things from your hand. 

“Wouldn’t ever lie to you, doll.” He holds up his hand in a mock swear.

You walk towards Bucky and him, rotating your wrists to get rid of the soreness. “Bold claim for a man who met me ten minutes ago.”

“Feels like it’s been longer.” He sends you a wink and you can’t stop the laugh the escapes from you finally. 

Bucky holds his hand out for the gadgets. You shrink away from him with a click of your tongue.

“Technically, he takes this round.” You send a nod towards Sam, dropping off the repulsors into his hand. “So he gets it.”

Bucky rolls his eyes.

“You gonna keep ‘em safe?” you ask Sam, this time a little more earnestly. 

“Guard it with my life,” he says seriously, pressing his lips together in a line to avoid smiling. 

“You’re both ridiculous,” Bucky cuts in.

“You’re going to be late.” Sam tucks the devices into his pocket safely. “You know how Steve gets when people walk in on his speeches. Do you even have a ride?”

“Got the motorcycle.” 

“See you there.” Sam nods. 

“Save me a place,” Bucky says to him.

“No.” He doesn’t even hesitate. “Y/N. It was a pleasure.”

“Still holding you to that evening, Sam.” You send him a smile.

“I’m countin’ on it.” He gives you a small three finger salute before taking off, leaving you staring after his retracting figure. 

When the dust settles, Bucky awkwardly clears his throat. “Right. So that was that.”

“Dude,” you let out an exhale. “he’s so hot.”

He murmurs something unintelligible. It vaguely sounds like a series of threats but mostly a list of complaints.

“Don’t you have a meeting to get to?” You turn your attention back to him.

“Yeah.”

“Aren’t you going to be late?” You glance at the clock on your phone.

“I’ll just tell them I was on a mission.” Well, sort of. “Besides, what are they gonna do? Kick me out?”

“Fair enough.” You shrug. “Have a safe ride back.”

From what he knows of you and Sam, the both of you were kidding around. But he could never be too sure. He can’t even ask if you were serious about the entire thing because it’s none of his business. 

Were the implications of having his mortal nemesis and other mortal nemesis date important enough to overrule that? 

“Are you planning to skip your meeting, or?” you ask when he remains freezes in his spot, eyes glazed over like he’s thinking about something. “Because if you are, I know this great Thai place-”

“Don’t do that again,” he says instead, shaking his head to jolt him out of his thoughts. 

“What?”

“Flinging yourself off roofs like that.”

“Why?” Because it scared the hell out of him, for one.

“Just don’t.”

“Oh please, like you’ve never done dangerous shit like that before.” You narrow your eyes at him, reading his face. “Are you telling me you care about me?”

“No.” His nose twitches. “Just don’t throw yourself off buildings when I’m around.”

“What about when you’re not?”

“As long as I’m not there to witness it.” He shrugs, spinning on his heel to leave. Technically he preferred if you didn’t do things like that at all. 

“Fine. I’ll just have my clone try out all the dangerous stuff for me.”

 He stops in his tracks. “You have a clone?”

“Well,” You squint, “no. But I’m working on it.”

He scoffs, shaking his head. “Bye Y/N.”

“You know, it sounds an awful lot like you’re saying we’re friends.” Your whole demeanour changes and he already knows what’s coming.

“I never said that,” he argues vehemently. “All I said was that I can’t have your murder on my hands.”

“Thus implying that we’re friends. In a fucked up, enemies kind of way.” You positively beam at him. “Aw, Barnes, that’s adorable.”

Adorable? Adorable?

“I hate you.”

“I love you, too, bestie,” you gush, dumb grin on your face. “I’ll make us friendship rings next time. What are your thoughts on matching tattoos?”

He wants to cry. 

______

By the time Sam walks into the meeting room, the session’s already begun. He shoots an apologetic look to a monologuing Steve before taking his place at the nearest chair available. 

Something sharp pokes his thigh. His wings are off and in the backpack beside him, but then he remembers your little inventions that were still in his pocket.

He tries not to make much of a noise while he pulls them out, giving them a look over to make sure they’re not broken.

“Watcha got there, Big Bird?” Tony asks lowly from beside him.

“Something that Barnes’ enemy made.” Sam holds it up slightly. 

“The one he’s been rendezvousing around town with every weekend?” 

“That’s her.” He’s about to put it in his backpack when Tony stops him.

“Pass that here for a second.” He recognises it immediately for what it is, interest piqued. 

Sam hands one of them over while he puts the other back in the bag. It’s a metallic circle, not bigger than Tony’s palm, with a thick leather strap to tie it around your palm.

“She made this?” 

“Why don’t you ask him?” Sam mentions towards Bucky who silently slips into the conference room, standing in the corner near the potted plant since there were no more chairs left.

“The balance has gotta be off on this thing,” he mutters to himself, wholly ignoring the brooding man standing in the corner like a Christmas tree.

“She seemed to be manoeuvring it fine,” Sam catches the eye of a lower ranking agent who makes the mistake of glaring at him for talking while the meeting was going on. A few seconds later the agent hastily looks away and doesn’t turn around for the rest of the hour. 

“Could be better.” He uses a much more intricate model for his suits, although this isn’t even half-bad for a homemade version. “Do you know how long she took to make this?”

“Buck says she comes up with a new one every week, so I’m guessing that long.” 

It had a few glitches but it was incredibly refined for a week’s worth of work.

“Interesting.” He gives it a quick overlook before handing it back to Sam who drops it into the bag.

He casts a swift glance at Bucky, noting how he wasn’t even paying attention to the meeting but rather to whatever he had tied around his metal wrist, fidgeting with it with his thumb. 

Tony has an idea. 

And that was generally bad news.

Next part

[kiyosamu]

painful reminders

(part 1/3)

——— ♡ ———

pairing: suna rintaro x female reader

genre: angst to comfort

cw: brief mentions and descriptions of assault (not from suna, not domestic violence), reader experiences post-traumatic stress, panic, anxiety

——— ♡ ———

“hey, i’m here now. you’re safe.”

the words echoed in your mind for a few seconds too long. you were hardly able to register their meaning while under the influence of your deep fear. you felt nothing but dread; impending pain and horror that you were sure was coming at any moment.

——— ♡ ———

suna slumped his body on the window of the train, trying to contort his larger than average build into a position comfortable enough to get a few moments of rest before arriving at his stop.

“attention passengers. there is a situation and we need to make an emergency stop at the next station. please gather your belongings and file out of the train as soon as we arrive.”

weird, he thought. must be another petty robbery. maybe someone refusing to get off of the tracks, or something exciting, like a mass murderer.

suna caught himself just as he had the thought, stopping his process immediately.

he shook his head, unimpressed at his ability to appear removed and disinterested no matter the situation. not to mention the scenarios running through his mind; scenarios that would terrify any sane person with an ounce of emotion no matter who they were.

suna scoffed and sat up to grab his bag.

of course, he knew it was nothing like that. that’s probably why he didn’t stay in his head and scare himself with anything further. why bother upsetting yourself by simply letting your mind run away from you? stupid, he thought. he never understood overthinkers. not only was it not productive, but it was exhausting.

thankfully, this station was only about a ten minute walk from the next, the one he was supposed to get off at. even though he was coming home from a tiring practice, the athlete never seemed to run out of stamina.

suna squinted as bright blue and red lights lit up the dark streets. rain began to pour and suna cursed his odds. the forecast predicted only a 10% chance of rain, and he just so happened to be getting caught in that unlucky percentage when he had to walk even further just to get back home.

he groaned and pushed his hair out of his face. the rain soaked his clothes, his sweatpants and shirt clinging to his body. suna felt disgusting and suddenly the thought of a hot shower was even more appealing than the leftover onigiri he had waiting in his fridge.

just as another thought of self pity was about to cross his mind, another police car flew by him.

must be pretty bad, wonder what happened..

that thought was as far as his curiosity went. if it was major, he’d probably hear about it on the news or in the paper. if not, well, it really was none of his business.

as he turned down the next street, he saw four police cars all blocking off the station. police tape sectioned off the area and officers stood with their arms crossed and chests pushed out as other vehicles pulled in.

he blinked a few times, taking in the scene for a second before realizing he’d stopped walking. suna brought himself back to reality and stared at the ground with his hands in his pockets. while he was shamelessly nosy as a teenager, he’d grown into quite the reserved young adult who knew how to mind his business.

unfortunately, that new trait flew out the window the second he heard a familiar voice.

——— ♡ ———

“officer, please. he said he’d come back for me, i don’t feel safe going home… i don’t have family here, i don’t have anywhere else to stay-“

“look. you’re just scared, but you’re not injured.” the man stared down at you with an emotionless glare. “there’s nothing more we can do for you. the suspect assaulted two other women and they’re cooperating. why are you asking us for more when we’ve done everything we can so far?”

his voice was as cold as your quickly declining temperature, the rain soaking through your t-shirt and causing you to shiver.

“he.. he held a knife to my throat. there’s-“ you lifted your hand to lightly trace the marks on your neck that had been squeezed in place only an hour before. “he said he was going to kill me but…” you trailed off, the night’s events playing over and over in your mind with no indication of stopping the endless repeat. “but then he saw the lights and ran. he said he’d be back for me…”

the officer sighed.

“criminals often utter threats to make their victims submit to their words and give in. they want to commit their crimes as quickly as possible. we’ve gone over this, you didn’t know him. he doesn’t know anything about you-“

“but what if he does?!” you shouted, tears streaming down your cheeks before you’d even realized you were crying.

“listen ma’am, you need to calm down-“ the officer grabbed your wrist and you ripped it away from him, covering your mouth and staring in disbelief at the officer. you were in shock. you couldn’t process what was going on, let alone what had happened. you didn’t know what to do.

you froze as you felt an arm around your shoulder. a familiar voice spoke your name with tenderness and a low, empathetic tone that you’d never heard from him.

“i’ll take her home, officer. she’s my neighbour.”

while that was true, you were still surprised at the gesture. rintaro suna had been your neighbour for 3 years. the two of you were friendly; you’d been to each other’s homes a handful of times and sometimes would share a meal or drop off some food that was too much for one person.

you were both single, living alone in your apartments. although you weren’t super close, you always felt like he was a friend. a slightly distant, reserved, quiet friend, but a friend nonetheless.

the two men exchanged words for what felt like an eternity before suna squeezed you closer to him, guiding you out of the area and walking you towards your apartment.

you opened your mouth to say something. anything. even just a greeting, a thank you for the escort home.

when you stopped walking, he stayed close to you and looked down at your expression.

you opened your mouth to say something but the moment you did, you relived the traumatizing situation once again and fell into a deep panic.

“i-i-… no-n..” your words broke as you felt your body shaking. the cold rain was doing nothing to help your condition, and if you could describe it in any way, it was like losing control of your own sanity. you felt the panic wash over you as the phantom pressure of the knife pressed against your windpipe - your mind quite literally putting you in a choke hold.

“hey. i’m here now, you’re safe.”

the words echoed in your mind for a few seconds too long. you were hardly able to register their meaning while under the influence of your deep fear. you felt nothing but dread; impending pain and horror that you were sure was coming at any moment.

suna wrapped his arms around you protectively. he didn’t know why, he didn’t even really know what was going on, but he knew that all he wanted to do in that moment was to prevent anything further from hurting you.

you clutched at his hand and dug your nails into his skin. you didn’t mean to, you didn’t even realize you were doing it. suna would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt, but he ignored it and held you close against him until you felt like you were okay to walk again.

when you caught your breath, you pulled his hand away from your face.

“i’m sorry… i don’t know what happened.” you choked out.

“you had a panic attack.” he said quietly. “we don’t need to talk about anything right now, though, okay? let me get you home. you went through something horrible and you’re freezing cold. it’s just a little more up the road, can you make it?”

you nodded, dropping your hands to your side and suna instinctively held onto the one closest to him.

“i’m scared to stay in my apartment… alone…” you whispered.

“you can stay with me.” suna said this with more certainty than suggestion. if anything, it was a statement. he was planning on having you stay over or even him staying at yours. whatever worked, he just didn’t want you to be alone and he knew you had nobody else to call.

he had never planned to get involved in your personal business like this. he didn’t want to be the weird neighbour, and he already worried if bringing you food some nights would make you uncomfortable.

those thoughts were always put to rest whenever you smiled at him and graciously accepted his gestures. your warm smile and the way your cheeks made your eyes squint when you were really happy was an image he’d always have trouble shaking out of his head for the following days.

suna snuck a glance at you as the two of you started to walk again. your smile that he swore could light up an entire city was nowhere to be seen.

he would do anything to see that smile on your face right now.

you looked like a shell of what you once were. he knew that you’d experienced something traumatic, but seeing you like this made him feel something hard in his chest.

you didn’t deserve that.

a painful squeeze developed deep inside him when he thought of what your face must have looked like when it had happened. a sweet girl who seemed to always bring out the bright side in any situation. you’d made him sweets (that he secretly broke his athletic diet for) when he’d lost an important game, and always made him smile whenever he saw you.

it was different right now. he felt anxious. he squeezed your hand in his and you didn’t even flinch, didn’t even seem to notice as you looked ahead with a blank stare.

on the other end, his touch alone was enough to give you the tiniest bit of comfort. it wasn’t much, and you were still scared, but it was enough to get you home.

——— ♡ ———

part 1 | part 2 (in progress) | part 3 (in progress)

[gallifrey1sburning]

Hi 👋 a prompt you can take or leave: Draco is very unsure whether he is being flirted with or this is an extension of their office rivalry that he doesn't understand (or the reverse!) Ty!

@skeptiquex and @ihavesomeideawhatimdoinghere, I read both of your prompts back to back, and they worked really well together, so I squished them into one. I hope you enjoy! Thank you both for sending me things, and thanks to @mxmaneater for the fast beta ❤️

—

The Tally

“One more for me!” Harry crowed, scratching a new tally mark next to his name on the chalkboard behind Draco’s head. “Better luck next time, Malfoy.” The board had a partner behind Harry’s desk, and the tallies recorded on one would reflect on the other, but Harry took great joy in invading Draco’s space and rubbing his victories in his face at every opportunity. Not that Draco was any better. It was part of the fun.

“Please, that one hardly counted,” Draco objected reflexively. “You only caught him because you tripped, for Merlin’s sake. Hardly an impressive arrest.” 

Harry shrugged and grinned, perching on the edge of Draco’s desk. “An arrest is an arrest.”

“Whatever,” Draco grumped. He and Harry had been playing this game for over a year now, and the margin was always extremely close. Harry was just barely ahead, at the moment, but Draco would catch up to him soon. He and Parvati had a potions ring bust coming up that Harry and Weasley weren’t involved in. Once that was done, he’d have overtaken him, and the smug expression currently gracing his colleague’s face would disappear along with his lead.

“So, any big weekend plans?” Harry asked, ignoring Draco’s pout.

Draco dropped the expression when it failed to produce the desired reaction. “Nothing too exciting. Yourself?”

“I’ve got tickets for the Puddlemere game on Saturday, actually. Ron was supposed to come, but something came up, so I’m trying to find someone else who might want to go. It would be a shame for the ticket to go to waste.” Harry was biting his lip and looking hopeful, and for just a moment, Draco thought— but no. If he’d wanted to ask, he would have asked, he told himself firmly. 

Taking care to keep his expression light, Draco pondered for a moment before saying. “I think McCutcheon is a Puddlemere fan. Maybe try him?”

“Oh, right.” Draco almost thought that Harry looked disappointed for a moment, but on second glance, his expression was clear and friendly. “Thanks for the tip. I’ll see if he’s free. Have a great weekend, Draco. Parvati.” He knocked his knuckles against the desktop twice before straightening and walking off, hands in pockets. Draco watched him go, sighing as he rounded the corner. It really was a pleasure watching him walk away.

He was brought back to reality by his partner smacking him in the back of the head with a stack of paperwork. “Ow! What the fuck, Patil?”  

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she hissed, looking even more exasperated with him than usual. “Every time he’s over here, you spend the rest of the day mooning, and he finally asks you out, and you say NO?!” 

“I do not moon!” He did moon, and he knew it, but he wasn’t about to say so. He still had his pride. “And he didn’t ask me out, either.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“He didn’t! He just said he had an available ticket! He very clearly had an opening to invite me, if he wanted to, and he very clearly didn’t.” There had been a number of moments like this, in recent months, and Parvati kept insisting that Harry was flirting with Draco. For his part, Draco kept insisting that she mind her own business, because she obviously could not read Harry Potter at all if she thought he was interested in Draco.

“You are an absolute moron.” Parvati shook her head in disbelief, but let it drop.

— 

They made the bust on Tuesday. Monday had been a rush of preparations and contingency planning and final logistics, and the stakeout had lasted all day, but in the end, it had been worth it—they’d brought in six players in one sweep and were confident that at least one of them would give up the rest in exchange for sentencing leniency. Draco had dropped into bed exhausted but elated.

He was still riding high when he sauntered into Harry and Weasley’s office on Wednesday. He leaned ostentatiously over Harry’s desk, stretching almost directly over his perpetually-tousled head to grab a piece of chalk and carefully add six perfectly straight tally marks to his own side of the board, giving him the lead by three. 

“And that’s how you do it,” he gloated as he straightened, smirking smugly down at Harry. “Suck it, Potter.”

Across the office, he heard Weasley groan and mumble something that sounded suspiciously like ‘he wishes’ under his breath. Harry looked a bit pink, but still smirked right back up at Draco, so it was probably just the heat. “Played that one close to the chest, didn’t you? But don’t worry, I’ve got something in the pipeline. I’ll be back on top before you know it.”

In Draco’s peripheral vision, he saw Weasley bang his head against his desk. “I’m getting tea,” he announced, stalking out of the office. Draco raised an eyebrow at Potter, who shrugged. 

Now that he was here, Draco didn’t quite want to leave yet, so he searched for something else to talk about. “How was the game?” he finally asked.

“Huh? Oh, the Quidditch game. Yeah, I didn’t end up going, actually.” Harry rubbed the back of his neck, not making eye contact. “Wasn’t really in the mood.” 

Draco wrinkled his brow, not really sure what to make of that, but then Harry asked a question about the potions bust, and Draco forgot about it, instead focusing on a dramatic retelling of his glorious victory.

— 

Harry’s next arrest came after a particularly brutal double homicide. It was all anyone was talking about when he arrived that morning, but, despite Draco’s expectations (and perhaps anticipation), Harry didn’t appear at his desk to brag about it. He was feeling a bit anxious by the time he finally saw him passing by his door in the late afternoon, and the feeling only grew when he did. Harry had bags under his eyes, and his usually confident posture was slumped. He didn’t look as though he had slept. He also didn’t look like he was going to stop.

“Hey,” Draco said, rising from his desk to catch him before he passed by completely. “Haven’t seen you today.” Are you okay?, he didn’t say, but he thought it was probably audible in his tone anyway.

“Oh. Hey, Draco.” Harry looked up at him, seeming a little lost. He looked hollow behind his eyes, and Draco could feel his eyebrows furrowing in concern. “Yeah, I’ve been…” he trailed off and glanced past Draco, into his office, to where the chalkboard hung prominently on the back wall. He seemed to curl even further in on himself. “I don’t want to count this one, okay?” he said, finally. “It doesn’t really feel like a victory.”

“Yeah, of course,” Draco said immediately, and he suddenly felt completely helpless. “Can I—” he hesitated, and then put a tentative hand on Harry’s slumped shoulder. “Do you need anything?”

He was half sure that Harry would pull away from his touch, but he didn’t. If anything, he seemed almost to relax into it. “I’m okay,” he said, and it wasn’t convincing, but Draco didn’t want to push it. “Thanks, though.” He reached up and gripped Draco’s hand where it lay on his shoulder, so briefly that his hand was gone before Draco could even fully register it, and then stepped back, continuing on his way.

Draco stood and stared at the chalkboard for a while when he got back to his desk. Then, he picked up his eraser and carefully removed one tally from his own side.

— 

Their next bust, they were on together. A small Neo-Death Eater group that the department had been keeping an eye on, but who hadn’t done much of anything until now, had suddenly decided to make a grand statement by threatening a large-scale attack on Diagon Alley if their (entirely insane) demands weren’t met. Needless to say, the Ministry was not interested in negotiation, and the whole Auror force had been called out en masse. 

Somehow, Harry and Weasley had ended up working in tandem with Draco and Parvati, and now Harry and Draco were back to back in a dead-end alley, dueling a pair that seemed to be the last desperate stragglers, while Parvati watched the street, ready to block anyone who might try to interfere, and Weasley stood to the side, clutching his ribs and sweating but still managing to hold a fairly steady shield charm. There was an unconscious, Incarcerous-ed body on the ground near him; his Stunner’s aim had been true, but the assailant had gotten off one last hex before it hit. He wasn’t in imminent danger—Draco had been hit by the same spell before, and it was extremely painful but didn’t cause any lasting damage once reversed—and although that would be easy enough to do, they didn’t have a wand to spare at the moment.

Harry and Draco worked together like they’d been born to it, and if their respective partnerships hadn’t been working so well for so long, Draco might have considered it a waste that they weren’t paired together. Spells flew around them like fireworks, and they cast and dodged and shielded and attacked without speaking, without pause, until, suddenly, it was over. 

“Ron!” Harry cried as soon as his wand dropped, but Parvati was already by his side, countering the spell, and Ron’s body relaxed almost immediately.

“I’m fine, mate. Great work.” 

Harry breathed out a sigh of relief and then turned to Draco, chest still heaving with exertion. Draco couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face even as he tried to catch his breath. He could feel sweat tracking down his face, his neck, his back, and he was streaked with dirt and—he suspected—blood; but they had won, and no one had died, and he was almost high on the rush of it. “I’m not sure who those count for,” he said, half laughing. “It happened too fast. Did you catch who took them down?”

Harry was grinning now, too, the buzzing energy of their win almost visibly coursing through him. He beamed at Draco, and he looked so fucking beautiful, even though he was just as dirty and dishevled as Draco was, that Draco couldn’t help but glance, just for a second, at those lips that he’d surreptitiously observed for so long as they stretched wide with joy. When he snapped his eyes back up, however, it was clear that Harry had seen, because the smile had morphed into something that Draco couldn’t put a name to, and his eyes were searching Draco’s for something. And then— 

“Fuck it,” he heard Harry say, and then there were hands on either side of his head and he was being—quite thoroughly—kissed, right there in the alley. He melted into it immediately, pulling Harry closer to himself almost instinctively. There was an iron tang of blood as their tongues met, and Draco wasn’t sure whose it was, but he didn’t particularly care. He didn’t care about much of anything, right now, besides Harry’s hands, and Harry’s lips, and the press of Harry’s chest and hips against his own, and whether Harry might want to reenact this moment later but somewhere with a bed and a lot less clothes.

“I TOLD YOU!” Parvati yelled triumphantly in the background.

“Fucking finally.” Ron sounded both amused and exasperated.

Draco ignored them in favor of sliding his hands into Harry’s birdsnest of hair, pulling lightly and making him groan into the kiss. He supposed this one counted as a win for both of them.

Also on AO3

[mrsblackruby]

Yeah Pretty Much

The under the cut part is just there for anyone having them same mental health struggles as me when it comes to blocking. Might help knowing someone else feels the struggle idk

I’ve been in some situations tho where tumblr has accidentally blocked people or I must’ve blocked accidentally idk how tf it happened (I more commonly unfollow people by accident) and It’s a close mutual too and then they ask me wth and I’m like:

But especially since I’m heavy in the fandom discourse I try to live by OPs statements personally. Even tho in the back of my head there’s like two fandom blogs I really loved and they’ve blocked me. I’m not sure if they meant to or not cuz we use to talk all the time then block 😭. But I still haven’t reached out cuz I feel once I’m blocked I’m blocked. And I get it discourse just isn’t for everyone especially with how heavy it gets and people just want to escape and people can block me for any numbers of reasons.

But that Bitch hurts like ghosting. I’m sad. But I’ll live. But I am sad.

Ngl I hate being blocked when I’m deep in thought like damn but I have to learn to respect other people boundaries *eye roll🙄* (Eye roll because I have a personality disorder and it’s not my first impulse to care about other people I actively have to urge myself not to cross boundaries. But I do see the importance in trying tho but it’s so fucking annoying)

Also the great fear that everyone is gonna block me in life because they think I’m an inferior human eats away at me.

But that’s just my own existential crisis.

I hope people feel comfortable enough to tell me why they’re blocking me to at least ease the pain if they care about my feelings but I get why someone wouldn’t be able to do that.

I believe in all of u and u will be missed. 😘

I’ve been harassed so much and I still haven’t blocked some people idk I just don’t like blocking people personally unless it’s my last option it makes me sad. like i desire to talk things out but some people don’t want to talk. I get that.

But it causes me grief but I’m trying to process it healthy.

It’s the FOMO. It hurts so bad.

I feel like a little kid again with my overwhelming adhd symptoms and everyone just turning around and ignoring me for being the problem child when I just want to hangout with my peers but I definitely get it. I can be a lot for some people to handle. But it hurts cuz I feel like I could handle/face anyone if the situation presents itself to me.

But idk if that’s just me having a big ego again.

Anyways I like to think I had an ego death and it humbled me deeply 💀💀💀

The internet’s and interesting place and I wonder what effect it’s having on my mind constantly.

Idk why I kinda find it so funny that it’s such a struggle for me to leave the people alone. I’m such and menace to the masses.

Like I see something interesting and I just want to go go go. That’s probably why i get blocked a lot 💀 but it does eat away at me if it’s another reason cuz then I start wondering what those other reasons could be. Cuz my anxiety hates me but remember anxiety is a lair and when someone blocks you without telling you why you will never truly know the reason behind it. So whether it’s the worse or best case scenario or whatever the reason might actually be…it isn’t an identifier of ur worth as a person. Ik what uncertainty can do to a anxious brain but I hope that logic helps someone out there or helps me myself out lolz

All in All Fight the urge because not interacting with someone once they’ve blocked u is the safest option for you both. If it’s a mistake maybe things work it self out maybe not but the safest option is to not engage any further. It’s okay to be in your feelings about it tho.

We all deserve sad boi hours.

💀 Just realizing I’m that friend that if you’re ever in a break up With someone Imma try to convince ya not to text ur ex.

Just as a heads up. If someone blocks you, don't work around it and message them to ask why. I don't care if it makes you anxious or uncomfortable or whatever. If somebody's blocked you, they have made it very clear they don't want to interact with you. Leave them alone.

[cheekygreenty]

I Know You part 2 - The Darkling x Reader

I knowwwww I took my time writing this but I think it deserves another part? Let me know 🥰

Read part 1 here.

You missed the warmth of the Little Palace and you hated that you missed Aleksander's warm embraces even more. As the tracker led you further up north, Alina and Mal reminisced on old memories and ultimately you stopped listening and kept to yourself, leaving you at the mercy of your own thoughts which were solely devoted to your intense betrayal. How could I of been so blind? You loved this man with your whole being and up until a week ago you would've gone to the ends of the earth for him and he had the audacity to lie to you. My Aleksander never existed, he was a figment of my imagination.

'Let's set up camp here.' Mal said putting his pack down with a wince. His shoulder was still badly wounded, your poor patching up did little to soften the pain. You pulled out your provisions and shared them with the others, thinking back as to whether selling the horse was a wise decision for mere hardtack.

'What do you think the General will do once he finds you with me?'' Alina never mentioned Aleksander's name and you guessed it was to avoid being questioned by Mal.

'Probably brand me a traitor and kill me.' You faced the truth head-on 'He was about to lock me away before I escaped and I'm guessing he's even angrier now.' You blurted as you chewed on the flavorless biscuit.

'Why are you here then? You can get away from Ravka, go to Ketterdam and never look back.'

'He'll find me, Alina. I might as well do something meaningful before I die.'

'What if he won't kill you?' Mal spoke up.

'I'd rather he did.' The thought of being Aleksander's prisoner struck a somber note in you and not for the reason they assumed. You didn't trust yourself enough to keep up your broken heart in Aleksander's presence for too long, that kind of love doesn't fade and around him, you were a slave to that emotion.

'We'll find the Stag and I can defeat him Y/N.' Alina sounded hopeful but at her words, you recoiled. Firstly, you knew she would fail, possibly killing Mal in the process but secondly, her statement ignited a brief spark of anger in you, a feeling of protectiveness for the man that was willing to take your life away from you. Stop being foolish. The man has killed countless times and will continue to commit atrocities in the name of power. You're better than that.

The rest of the night carried on as usual, Alina applying a salve to Mal's wound and you sitting against a tree, contemplating your life. Perhaps you should go to Ketterdam. You have connections there that would hopefully prevent you from becoming an indenture, but those connections could be used against you, a way for Aleksander to find you. Perhaps Novyi Zem would work for you. Alina and Mal had spoken about escaping there if she failed to defeat the Darkling, but you knew it was pointless. You had been by his side long enough to know there was truly no way you could hide and survive.

You know the parts of me that I showed you. His words echoed in your head as you tried to settle to sleep. Although you had uncovered his true face, you clung to his words like a lifeline. He showed you his loving side, he told you his name and his complicated relationship with Baghra, his mother. He trusted you with those things and he loved you, so he said. I do love you.

The tears came once again like they did every night. You had quickly come to understand that Alina and Mal were blind to your waterworks and were under the impression you hated Aleksander and wanted him dead as much as they did. If only they knew you fell asleep dreaming of his arms around you, whispering sweet nothings like he always did.

The snow was a thick blanket now as you approached the Fjerdan border. Mal was certain the Stag would be found any day now and with each passing moment spent dredging through the snow, you cursed your decision of coming with them. You haven't been of much use to the pair on the journey anyway, except letting the wind carry the smoke away when the fire was burning or blowing snow out from the trees when you settled for camp, but Alina insisted you were necessary. From Mal's behavior, you gathered he felt uneasy around two Grisha, so maybe Alina wanted you here to know she wasn't alone and her powers weren't strange.

You listening half-heartedly as she explained to Mal she was the one who needed to kill the animal but stopped when you heard a rustling in the distance.

'That way' Mal noticed too

'Hang on'

'What are you doing'

'I need to get closer to it' You blocked them out, your senses wholely devoted to watching the magnificent Stag. Saints, it's even more beautiful than I imagined it.

You saw her reach out and touch its snout, a light dome so bright erupting from their contact you shielded your eyes away. In doing so, you noticed the faint outline of a blue kefta in the trees, quickly heading for you.

'NO' you tried to block the shot but it was too late, the dome fell apart.

'The animal is not meant for you' Zoya bellowed as she fought to secure the stag.

You fought her in return, desperately attempting to knock her and the others off their feet but two strong hands caught you, restricting your movement.

'Take her' You heard his voice before you saw the contrast of his black attire against the snow. You fought against the soldier keeping you trapped, thrashing and kicking with all you could muster, completely ignoring the screams and shouts erupting from Mal and Alina.

He came to face you, eyeing you up and down, as if searching for any injuries. Even in the dark, you noticed the tiredness evident in his eyes with a hint of desperation. But no relief or love directed to you.

'Ivan, subdue her' was the last thing you registered before your eyes closed shut and deep sleep came over you.

***

You woke with a start, having felt no time pass in your dream-lacking slumber. The snow from earlier was replaced by lavish silks and drapes in a warm tent, his tent. You would recognize the eclipse sign from a mile away, especially on the embroidered cushion beneath your head or on the buttons of the coat you were donning. His kefta. He must’ve put it in you while you were passed out.

There were no cuffs around your wrists or restraints around your ankles as you lay in his comfortable cot surrounded by the sound of a crackling fire in the stove that always brought some level of comfort to you.

There was nobody in the tent with you, but you suspected a guard was posted by the entrance flap to ensure you didn't try anything stupid. You hesitated to get up. Will he be waiting for me? You didn't want to face him or fight him. The thoughts of a civil conversation with him withered away the more you reflected on your throbbing feeling of betrayal, but there was still that small voice in the back of your head, or rather your heart, that wanted to forget about everything and just lay with him like you did every night. The conflict caused you to cry yet again that night for exactly the same reasons as before.

You finally got up once the last tears dropped, your light footsteps carrying you over to the small fruit bowl sitting by the lamps. It was rewarding to taste the sweetness of a grape after so much time spent eating hardtack and hard cheese, all Saints willing, you'd never have to look at those things again. You heard the tent flap open and slowly, you turned to face Aleksander.

'You've been crying.' He observed and took off his heavy cape, laying it carelessly on the cot you had just slept in and standing away from you, keeping his distance although his own heart dropped to see you in such a state.

'Do you blame me?' Your voice was strong despite your appearance,

'I hope you are well-rested. The journey here mustn't've been very kind to you.'

'It was better than being your prisoner and rotting away in a cell in the Little Palace.'

'Do you really think so lowly of me Y/N?'

'I don't know what to think Aleksander.' You hugged his huge kefta closer to your body, enjoying being enveloped by his scent. Another thing that brought you comfort.

'I never lied when I said I love you.' His voice grew softer but you willed yourself to ignore it. The small voice told you to run up to him, kiss him, hold him and tell him you loved him too, but the logical part kept you firmly planted in your place.

'If I recall correctly, you said 'I love you but'...'

'You never stuck around to what I wanted to say next.'

'I doubt it would have fixed this.' You gestured to the lengthy space between your bodies and he took it as an opportunity to walk closer to you.

'Is there anything we can do to fix this?' He asked desperately and your heart leaped in your chest but it didn't last long as his hand caught your attention, The Stag.

The realization flooded over you with a jolt of pain for the second time in two weeks. Unable to hold it back, a bone-shattering sob erupted from you at the impending doom he was about to unleash on Ravka.

His eyes followed your own with anguish so obvious it hurt him, but he had to avert them fearing if he watched your pained expression any longer, he would rip out the amplifier himself without a second thought just to stop the heart-breaking sobs shaking your body. He reached out for you but stopped himself, the last thing she needed was his comfort of all people, he thought.

But you yearned for him despite the situation, so when he stepped closer once again, you rested your head on his chest still uncontrollably crying.

‘Why are you doing this’ your hands now held a deathly grip on his shirt, but all he could think about was the fact that you sought his touch out first, maybe there is some hope left.

‘For Ravka, for all Grisha.’ The answer felt automated and scripted but it was all that remained of his goal. There was nothing else, no one else, that would benefit from this except him and her.

He wrapped one arm around you and when you didn’t pull away, his other arm went to your waist, pulling you close and pressing his lips to the top of your head in an attempt to soothe you. Ironically, it had the exact opposite effect as you cried even harder because despite everything he’d done and everything he was about to do, you didn’t want to leave his side.

The conflict was rampant in your head and part of the shed tears were in an effort to calm your mind.

‘I’m going on a skiff journey across to Novokribirsk in a couple days. I wish for you to go back to the Little Palace.’ He spoke but didn’t loosen his comforting hold on you.

‘Why?’ You managed to croak out.

‘You want to come with me?’

‘I don’t know’

‘Let’s sleep. You’ve had a long day.’ He only briefly let you go to take off the kefta he placed on you earlier, but he was right back at your side as you settled against his chest on the cot. Although you had only just woken up from Ivan's induced sleep, your mind was tired from the self-hate your logical side spewed at you.

‘This is wrong. They’ll hate me for this.’ I hate myself for this.

‘If it is so wrong then tell me to go away. I’ll listen.’ You knew he would but you wanted him here with you.

‘Were you ever going to tell me?’

‘Yes. But I stopped myself after seeing how happy you were. I couldn’t bring myself to stop that.’

‘And look where it brought us. Look at me now.’ You raised your head from his chest and looked him in his onyx eyes. They radiated affection and forgiveness, both of which you were ready to give him. I’m a fool for this.

‘And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy Y/N.’ The determination in his voice pulled at your heart, for the next thing you knew your lips were on his, kissing him as if there was no tomorrow.

-----

Taglist (tell me if you want to be added !!)

@aleksanderwh0r3 @theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @lostysworld @0-artemis @exo-1204 @staradorned @bookfrog242 @simp-for-ben-barners @keepdaydreamingbb @acciorudolphx @pansysgirlfriend @pansysgirlfriend @justmesadgirl @theriveroftruth

[kaistarus]

Caught In The Act

Pairing: HinataxReader

Words: 3K

Summary: You don’t really plan out the consequences of hooking up with your roommates best friend until she walks in on the aftermath and everything spirals into disaster

A/N: I don’t think this is NSFW, but it’s heavily implied/referred to throughout? It does however have Yamaguchi being a little shit which is *chefs kiss* my favorite kind of Yamaguchi

Masterlist

The worst melody you’d ever heard sounded throughout your room, dragging you from a peaceful dream you’d already forgotten. Groaning, you attempted to block out the sharp ringing with your comforter, but scowled when your tugs were made useless by an unusual weight. You blearily peeked down in search of the problem and froze, your heart's acceleration jolted your brain into alertness.

What you discovered to be holding your blanket down was a whole ass arm across your stomach with a whole ass person attached to it sleeping beside you.

You tried to keep your breathing even as you grasped the reality of your situation-disheveled autumn hair brushed lightly against your shoulder and soft breaths tickled your arm. It’d be easier to admire Hinata’s content features if you weren’t having numerous flashbacks involving embarrassing noises, words you didn’t think possible coming out of your mouth, and several explanations for why your legs were so sore. Your face burned as you stared at Hinata’s peaceful expression in horror and jumped when the back-up alarm began ringing.

At your sudden movement Hinata’s nose wrinkled and he began squirming uncomfortably. He furrowed his brow, opening his enough to peek at you holding your breath beneath his arm. You could see the cogs turning behind his amber eyes as they darted around the room and took everything in past their sleepy haze.

Finally, they landed back on you and he gave you a lazy smile, “hey.”

Your heart picked up its pace at his morning voice’s low rasp, and rather than having any normal reaction to your situation you flung your limbs at him to shove him as far away as possible. Hinata yelped as he tumbled over the side of your bed, hitting the hardwood floor with a solid thump.

“What the hell?” He poked his head over the side of your mattress with a half-assed glare, punctuating his question with a deep yawn. It was hard to take him seriously with his wild bed head and half-lidded eyes.

“Your alarm keeps going off,” you answered lamely, trying to fight down the amusement at how even after he combed his fingers through his hair it remained a chaotic mess.

“Oh,” he used your bed to push himself up, stumbling a bit as he began searching for where his pants ended up. Your eyes widened when all of him was in sight and you pulled the comforter up to shield your eyes. “Sorry, I forgot that I have to-what’s wrong?”

“You’re not wearing clothes.”

“Obviously,” you heard the creaking of your dorm’s shitty floorboards as Hinata moved around the room. “Is that bad? I feel like at some point you saw my-”

“But now we’re in the daytime,” you looked at the floor around you and sighed in relief when you found a t-shirt nearby to put on. Now you just needed pants… “Everything is completely different when the sun is out.”

Hinata was silent for a while and if it wasn’t for the hardwood flooring giving him away you would’ve thought he snuck out. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It’s hard to explain,” you said, coming up for air after you heard Hinata stand beside your bed. He held out his sweatpants to you with a lopsided grin that made your heart do a weird flip. “Thanks.”

He shrugged it off, sitting beside you on the mattress as you wiggled into his sweatpants. “I have to practice with Kageyama in an hour. Do you wanna go to the dining hall or something?”

You raised a brow at his nonchalance, sitting beside you just scrolling his phone like things were completely normal. “You want to go get food?”

“Yeah, I’m hungry.” He gave you a quick once-over and smirked. “Why did you wanna do something else?”

“No,” you put your hands in front of you and ignored the slight pout on his face. “I just figured you would want to talk or something.”

“Oh,” he fiddled with his cellphone and stared at anything that wasn’t your eyes. “No, we don’t have to make it a huge thing if you don’t want to.”

“Okay,” you nodded to yourself. “I mean, it isn’t a big deal anyway. We’re friends and this stuff just happens sometimes.”

Hinata now faced you completely and he was giving you his classic sunshine smile. “Exactly, this is definitely normal for friends.”

“Right, so why even waste energy worrying about something that meant absolutely nothing.”

Hinata’s smile faltered a bit and you were too aware of how his eyes had drifted to your lips. “Uh-huh, totally nothing.”

“It’s probably best if no one finds out though,” you nodded to yourself, warmth creeping up your neck from the growing intensity of his stare. “Just because it would be annoying explaining this to everyone.”

Hinata hummed, tilting his head with a curious look that had you fisting your comforter. “So, hypothetically, if it all means nothing and no one even knows about it…” Hinata had at some point scooted himself a little too close for your liking, his face inches from yours. “There would be nothing wrong with doing it again, right?”

You narrowed your eyes at his challenging smirk, “I feel like there’s some logic missing there.”

“But the end result is pretty good,” he said, barely above a whisper, pressing his forehead against yours. You couldn’t argue that. Not with how your heart was beating sporadically in your chest and your fingers were already itching to be tangled in his hair.

“Careful,” you whispered, trying to match his overconfidence, “keep acting like this and I might just start thinking it means something.”

Hinata rubbed his nose against yours lazily while forcing down a smile, “is that a no?”

You answered by placing a hand against his cheek and slotting your lips together. The pace he set was much more languid than last night and you felt a soft smile grace his lips as he cradled the back of your head, beginning to lower your head on to the mattress. The moment Hinata decided to hover over you was when you heard the door to your dorm creak open.

“Hey, sorry I’m back so early. I forgot about our exam tomorrow.” Yachi shouldered passed the door with her back facing you carrying a hefty duffle. You and Hinata reacted in the only logical way-staying completely frozen and hoping for some reason she wouldn’t see you. “Did you and Hinata actually study without me or did you… forget…”

When she looked over her shoulder, eyes finally locking onto the comical scene you’d presented, her jaw went slack and face turned a deep red.

“Wait, Yachi,” you tried stopping her before she dropped her bag and quickly hurried out the door. “It’s not what it looks like!”

Hinata looked taken aback by your statement, “what else could it possibly be?”

You glared at him, kicking him off you and chasing after Yachi-before leaving the room you heard a faint ‘again?’ shouted from the opposite side of your bed. Yachi hadn’t sped-walked too far and you thankfully managed to catch her at the end of the hall.

“Yachi, wait,” you tugged her hand to slow her down. “I swear it wasn’t what it looked like.”

That made her pause. She looked at you dumbfounded with both hands on her hips, “what else could it possibly be?”

“That’s what I said!”

You spun around to find Hinata, standing in the center of the hallway with arms crossed and staring at you quizzically as if you were the weird one in this situation. You gave him a quick once-over to confirm that yes, he was still wearing nothing but boxers.

“What are you doing?” You asked him frantically.

“Helping.”

“Why would you think-” You pinched the bridge of your nose and took a calming breath. “At least put some clothes on, Hinata.”

“You’re wearing all of my clothes,” he said, gesturing to all of you.

You pulled your t-shirt out while glancing down with a raised brow. Huh, well look at that.

“I really don’t care if you guys are dating,” Yachi put her hands up defensively. “It’s not a big deal and it’s really none of my business any-”

“That’s just it,” you pointed at her. “We aren’t dating. Not even close. I would never date Hinata.”

“What?” Hinata looked down at you annoyed. “Why not?”

“Because you’re…” You furrowed your brow, trying to search for any of the reasons that normally would be easy to find, but for some reason your mind was blank. “Because you’re Hinata.”

“If anything that’s more reason to date me,” Hinata gestured to himself. “Look at me. I’m the whole package.”

Yachi’s eyes flickered between you before she hid a sly smile behind her hand, “oh, I see.”

Hinata cocked his head to the side, “what do you see?”

Your cheeks warmed. “You don’t see anything. You put that face away right now.”

Hinata began prying Yachi for answers while she continuously turned away from him with a mischievous smile. You let out a relieved sigh that it was basically over when a door at the opposite end of the hall creaked open and you were faced with a yawning Yamaguchi.

He carried his toothbrush and toothpaste loosely in one hand while the other rubbed sleep from his eyes. He raised a brow at you three, slowly working to process the scene before him in his still foggy state. Yamaguchi’s head tilted idly as his eyes darted between everyone, eventually lifting his toothbrush and pointing it in Hinata’s direction.

“Why is Hinata wearing boxers in the middle of our dorm building?” He narrowed his eyes further and moved the toothbrush to point at you, “and why are you wearing Hinata’s clothes?” Yamaguchi aimed the toothbrush slowly toward your door that still hung wide open and you could practically see the lightbulb go off in his mind before the devious smirk crossed his lips. “Holy shit. Did you guys actually f-”

“Shut up,” you slammed your hands over your ears. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“Ouch,” Yamaguchi mockingly grimaced at Hinata. “That’s not a good reaction dude.”

“What do you-that’s not what-” Hinata stomped his foot. “It was a great time. Probably one of the best ones ever.”

“Whoa, let’s not get crazy.” You rolled your eyes. “You were alright, but definitely not-”

“Wha-alright?” Hinata threw his arms up. “The hell do you mean ‘alright’?”

“I think she means mediocre,” Yachi piped up from behind you with her hands still covering her smile.

“A little above mediocre, but…” you weighed your hands back and forth to signal that mediocre was just about right and Hinata stared at you completely baffled.

“Ouch,” Yamaguchi snickered.

“I can’t believe you thought I was mediocre,” Hinata furrowed his brow with a half-assed glare.

“Well, do you want me to lie to you?” You scoffed, crossing your arms. “Hinata, you almost came in your pa-”

He slapped a hand over your mouth with pinkening cheeks, “you know what? I think we all are mediocre sometimes at things, but with practice… uh… we get better.”

Yamaguchi raised an amused brow before another lightbulb went off. “Holy shit, so that means you guys were the ones who-oh my god, Tsuki’s going to be pissed when he finds out.”

“Pissed about what?” You asked after prying Hinata’s hand off your mouth.

“I woke up to a bunch of texts about how he couldn’t study because people were banging too loud,” Yamaguchi shrugged. “I’m a heavy sleeper, so I didn’t notice but he was not happy.”

“Holy shit, are you serious?” Hinata asked, sounding borderline giddy at the discovery. You scowled, smacking on the stomach to knock him down a peg.

“Hinata, that’s humiliating.”

“Oh, right.” Hinata forced a frown. “I am so embarrassed.”

“Think about it,” Yachi tapped her chin. “Doesn’t Tsukishima always wear headphones too?”

Yachi and Yamaguchi stared at you both quietly with wicked smiles before you groaned dramatically into your hands, your face was on fire while Hinata just laughed beside you, planting a hand not so comfortingly on your head. You knew in that moment your life could not get any worse.

Which was why that was the moment Tsukishima stepped out of his room a few doors away with his backpack slung over his shoulder. You almost thought you’d be lucky enough that he wouldn’t notice you, but luck wasn’t on your side as he glanced up, doing a double take at your group in the center of the hall.

It took him seconds to dissect the scene before his glare became piercing, “you mother fuckers.”

“What are the chances we all just pretend this never happened?” Hinata chuckled awkwardly while Tsukishima stomped menacingly toward him.

“What are the chances I get the sound of you moaning out of my head without someone killing me?”

“Slim?” Hinata squeaked.

“Do you think I wanted that bull shit taking up useful space in my brain?” He asked, towering over Hinata as he gulped and shook his head no. Tsukishima turned to you and you stiffened, immediately shooting your stare to your feet, “and you, forcing me to learn every one of Hinata’s kinks. I should take both of you outback and-”

“I don’t have kinks,” Hinata scoffed, turning to you to back him up, but you just looked away. “Oh fuck, do I have kinks?”

“That is not the point of our discussion, you pint-sized-”

“But aren’t kinks like a psychology thing?” Hinata looked back at you concerned. “It’s not pee, is it?”

“Why would that-I don’t know,” you looked at him warily. “Did you want to pee on me?”

“I don’t think so.”

“What do you mean ‘i don’t think so’.”

“I don’t give a fuck if you’re peeing on each other,” Tsukishima pinched the bridge of his nose. “Just do it at Hinata’s dorm building next time.”

“That won’t be a problem.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty confident it’s not pee.” Hinata nodded to himself. “I really like volleyball… is that a kink? I don’t know if that’s how it works. Wait, can you combine sex and volleyball? That sounds like a kink. I want that one. Can that be it?”

“I would love to study your mind, dude.” Yamaguchi nodded in approval and Hinata just smiled back as if he’d been given a huge compliment.

“That’s not what I-” You took a calming breath. Hinata was going to be the death of you. “I mean, me and Hinata aren’t happening again, so no one has to worry about anything.”

“Wait, you guys aren’t secretly dating?” Yamaguchi gestured between you both with a raised brow.

“No, they’re hooking up.” Yachi rolled her eyes.

“Oh, fuck off.” Tsukishima scoffed. “Hinata keep your volleyball sex out of my dorm buiding. Got it?”

“Yes sir,” Hinata saluted before a melodious tune came ringing from your dorm room. His eyes darted to a wall clock and his body stiffened. “Shit, I was supposed to be at the gym already.”

“I should probably give you-” Before you could finish Hinata was jogging down the hall. He returned with his backpack and you opened your mouth to point out you were still wearing all of his clothes, but he already had his lips smashed against yours in a chaste kiss. You had your eyes wide, staring at him dumbfounded before he pulled away with a sunshine smile.

The moment he processed what he’d done you saw his brain shut down as he stared blankly-Yachi’s giggling made a perfect background noise for his malfunction.

“What the hell was-”

“We’ll talk about that later,” he chuckled awkwardly, giving you finger guns while walking backwards down the hall. “I’ll text you or call you or something.”

“I won’t answer,” you called after.

“You will,” he said before he turned away. “Because I’m gonna offer you food and you love free food.”

Dammit. He had you there. You were a sucker for anything that wasn’t dining hall food. “Well, I won’t be happy about it!”

You heard his laughter chime before the closing of a heavy door told you he was too far to keep up the argument. You huffed, crossing your arms and glaring down the hall.

“How long till he realizes he’s in his boxers?” Yamaguchi piped up.

“He’s probably more nervous of (Y/N) than walking around campus in his underwear,” Yachi reasoned with a hand on her cheek.

“He should be,” you snorted.

“You guys wanna get breakfast?” Yamaguchi asked, “all this making fun of Hinata has made me hungry.”

“I’m going to the library.” Tsukishima left down the hall without a glance back at you and your shoulders sagged.

“He’ll get over it,” Yachi placed a comforting hand on your shoulder while pushing you forward. “Just give him time.”

“Okay,” you murmured.

“Hey, so what is Hinata’s kink?” Yamaguchi asked, leaning into your vision.

You rolled your eyes, “praise.”

“That makes too much sense,” Yachi hummed.

“Hinata would get off on being told he’s great,” Yamaguchi shook his head, throwing the door open at the end of the hall and welcoming the fresh air. “Well, next time you get to have volleyball-sex. Whatever the fuck that is.”

“I don’t think even Hinata knows that.” Yachi giggled.

As you tried to keep up with Yamaguchi and Yachi combining the actual logistics of volleyball to sex you found yourself admitting in the back of your mind that you really were all talk. You kind of liked that people knew about you and Hinata and maybe… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if spending time with him became a regular thing.

Unless it involved whatever this volleyball-sex thing was, then you’d be fine without him.

[demonsandco]

Oooh for the NSFW one, 1 and 8 with Levi or "let me hear you"

Prompts : 1. for one muse to give the other oral and 8. to undress my muse

Pairing : Levi/GN reader (no mention of sex for reader)

Warnings : Top reader. monster dick Levi

Word count : 1.2k

Leviathan wasn’t sure how he got into this situation, pinned down in his tub with you on top of him, your knee pressed between his legs and your mouth on his neck, but he knew that there was nowhere else he’d rather be at the moment.

“This is getting in my way. Why don’t we take it off?” You whisper into his ear and nip at his lobe, as you slide your hands across his sides under his shirt. The shirt’s collar is much too high for your liking, blocking his torso from view. What better way to fix the issue than simply pull it off? Levi nods eagerly in response and arches his back to let you reach behind him and pull his shirt up. You make sure to slide your hands over every new inch of skin that you expose until you can take it off all together.

The moment he’s shirtless, you take him in, admiring how far down his chest his blush reaches. Your view is abruptly taken away by Levi bringing his arms up, as though trying to hide his face and chest from your view. 

“D-don’t just stare at me!” Levi pouts while peaking out at you through his fingers, trying to gauge what you’re thinking.

You grab his arms with a tsk. “None of this now, Levi. I just wanted to admire you. Now be a good boy and keep your hands up above your head,” you intend for your last statement to be an order, but with how quickly his arms shoot up you doubt the pact even had a chance to take effect.

With his arms pinned and torso bared, it was clear for you to see how excited Levi already was from the way he squirmed, desperately trying to grind against your leg. You choose to ignore his movements for now in favor of teasing him further. Soft gasps and high pitched whines grace your ears, as you return to assaulting his neck and heading down to his chest with kisses and nips, leaving behind a trail in your wake.

It isn’t until Levi’s whimpers turn into shy pleading that you finally pull back and look at him. You had barely done anything to him so far, yet he already looked like a mess with his eyes glazed over and drool dripping down his chin. The weak wiggle of his hips as he searches for any sort of touch brings your focus back to your original goal: make Levi feel good. 

You place your hands on his pecs and start sliding them down with your nails against his skin to draw more breathy noises from him. Stopping at the hem of his sweatpants, right above his very prominent bulge, you glance back up at his face.

“Help me get these off for you?” Before the words even finish leaving your mouth, Levi is already raising his hips, letting you pull his pants down past his hips.

You don’t waste time in getting them all the way off and toss the pants to the side where they join his earlier discarded shirt on the floor of his room. Now left in just his boxers Levi pleads at you with his eyes. His mouth hangs open as he sucks in a breath in anticipation for your touch. With how patient he’s been, you decide it’s about time to reward him and slide your hands up his thighs to cup his bulge. You can’t help but smirk at the large wet spot on his boxers before you lean down to press your tongue flat against his erect cock through the fabric and slip your fingers under the band, preparing to pull them down.

“W-Wait!” Levi looks like he suddenly remembered something important, “You can’t! I- it’s not- I’m not, you know… normal.. down there. You’ll think it’s weird!”

Curious, you continue pulling down his boxers and break eye contact with him to see what he meant by ‘not normal’, only to gasp in surprise. Instead of one cock, Levi has two. Both of them look painfully erect and shine wetly from the copious amount of precum leaking from them.

“See! I told you! It’s weird and gross! You probably think I’m nothing but a y-yucky pervert now-” Levi’s rambles are cut off by a sharp keen. While he was busy worrying, you’d taken the initiative to wrap your lips around the tip of one of his dicks and started sucking. Not wanting to leave the other one out, you wrap your hand around it and start stroking. He’s already dripping so much that your hand has no problem sliding over his skin. You take your mouth off of him briefly and blow on the tip to get his attention, causing a shiver to shoot up his spine.

“Levi, look at me. Let me hear you. Show me how good I’m making you feel.”

An embarrassed whine leaves his mouth, but he does as he’s told. Pathetic little noises leave his mouth and they get louder as you start working both his cocks. You slide your thumb over the tip of the one in your hand, earning yourself a squeal, as you work on taking the one in your mouth deeper. While working your tongue against the underside of it, you start humming softly while bobbing your head up and down. The mixed sensations from both his cocks bring Levi close to the edge alarmingly fast. 

“S-so good… mn… I’m gonna- can I... ah… please let me-”

His words are slurred and interrupted by gasps and moans, but you understand what he needs. You pull off of his cock and start jerking them both off with your hands instead.

“Go for it, baby boy. Cum for me”

Now that he has permission to cum, Levi’s hips seem to gain a mind of their own. He thrusts up against your hands with increasing desperation. It only takes him a few thrusts to reach his peak, his hips stuttering and freezing in the air, as broken moans leave him before he cries out your name. His thighs quiver and twitch, as you stroke him through his orgasm. His cum spurts across his stomach and chest while you keep touching him, not stopping until he tries to twist his hips away with a pathetic whine. 

Levi’s chest shudders as he pants for breath, but he looks just about ready to fall asleep, despite still the sweat sticking to his skin and the cum painted across his abdomen.

“I know you’re tired, but we need to get you cleaned up, Levi,” you prod at his sides gently, encouraging to sit up and lean against you.

“Could we… take a bath? Together, I mean…” He asks hesitantly while refusing to meet your gaze. You make sure to quickly agree before he can take your silence as a rejection.

“Perhaps then you can return the favor?” You offer teasingly.

Levi seems very keen to take you up on that offer, and it doesn’t take long for you to realise just how much stamina a demon can have.

[wxlfbites]

Judaism probably was a terrible example, I’ll give you that. It was the first thing that popped in my head.

But again, you still misinterpreted me. I didn’t say they couldn’t identify as a therian. I said that they can’t identify as a therian JUST BECAUSE of that. There needs to be an identity established. Which you’re literally saying yourself. But for some reason also contradicting in the same sentence.

I feel like I’m being extremely patronizing because I’m having to like try to explain in such simple words to get people to stop twisting my words or just otherwise ignoring what Im saying to further their own narrative. But. “I identify as a wolf therian because my soul is that of one” is the statement I’m going to use:

My identity as a therian is not defined by HOW I am a wolf but purely by the fact that I AM a wolf. I could wake up one day and go “I don’t think me being a wolf is spiritual after all”.. does that mean I can’t identify as a wolf therian anymore because the cause has changed? Or am I still a wolf therian because I still identify as a wolf? I can not dumb this down any further.

I am literally running laps around myself at this point trying to talk any sense to people that just have it made up in their minds that they are the victims of gatekeeping and anyone who does tries to explain things in a way that is anything other than what they want to hear is just a big old dumb meany.

I literally don’t understand. I have made post after post today reiterating the same exact shit. Over and over. In different ways so people can try to understand it in a way that makes sense to them. And still. I get these responses of being an asshole for one reason or another. I’ve got other therians lined up around the block agreeing with me and saying how malicious it is that all the people disagreeing with me are doing so because you’re ignoring or twisting my words just because you want a gotcha moment. I’ve got other therians agreeing with me that it’s pointless to continue to argue good points because it’s clearly not doing any good when the people I’m arguing with just wanna throw the victim card no matter what I say. “You’re gatekeeping my fun” “you’re excluding me from using a word that was never meant for me anyway so you’re mean”.

I’ll just go be a grumpy old boomer and watch ya’ll paint your own “rules” over the old ones. That’s fine. I gotta get a new lawn cause these kids wont stay off this own. 😤

Since we're seeing TikTok therian discourse again, here's our response to some talking points:

"They're conflating therianthropy with doing quadrobics/ wearing gear, etc"

Just because a lot of therian tiktoks involve these things, that does not mean that the actual individuals in the videos are equating the two. And even if they did outright say "being a therian is when you do quadrobics" - so what?

"But that's not what being a therian is"

There is no one singular definition of therianthropy and there never will be. You cannot possibly define it in a way which perfectly includes all therians and perfectly excludes all non-therians.

If a 12 year old on tiktok thinks being a therian is running on all fours and wearing a tail, then thats what being therian is to them. And you have absolutely no business telling them that their experience with therianthropy is incorrect.

"But it's spreading misinformation"

Misinformed teen therians on TikTok are not our enemy. The best way to combat misinformation is not to diminish their self expression, but to share your own experiences of therianthropy. That way they become exposed to more forms of it and learn about it!

Trends are always going to change and evolve. Therianthropy and other related experiences are going to take on new shapes depending on the time, place, and the people expressing it.

The reason there's so much focus on quadrobics and gear is because it's fun. It's fun and novel and is a very physical and loud form of self expression. It also fits the platform far better than long-form personal essays.

Sure, some of these kids will eventually stop caring and no longer identify as a therian after the trend dies down. But more still will develop a more complex relationship with their therianthropy, and seek out communities like this one where they express themselves in more in-depth ways.

Trying to create a separation between older, more "serious" communities and the tiktok therian will only create a rift, and make it harder for those who do want to explore other experiences and self expression.

So tl;Dr the Kids are alright. Nobody is the authority on therianthropy, how it's defined, or how it's expressed. Times change and so will the subculture around being a therian.