#Anthony with his eyeblack on

[newtonsheffield]

Am I going to make Baseball Kate and Anthony a one shot?

Very likely.

[cleoselene]

Meet the World Champion Cubs

Anthony Rizzo: Literally a precious angel.  He survived cancer and now he does like all this stuff for kids with cancer, he’s big charity man.  He has a room at the local children’s hospital named after him because he paid for it and it’s a room where sick kids can play and visit with family and friends that’s less hospital-like.  Frequently visits the hospital before games.  Steals food from fans.  Said “I’m in a glass case of emotion” on tv.  Charming and adorable, big and thicc.  Rizzo is your favorite player.  He just is.

Kris Bryant: Dreamiest blue eyes in baseball and cute dimples.  Literal male model.  Laid back cool guy who is obscenely attractive and overachieving.  Sings songs from Disney movies with his wife.  His really massive homeruns.  Has never had a drink and only got one B in high school he’s like the Tracy Flick of baseball, goody two-shoes good at everything.  But like a mellow Tracy Flick.  Pretty enough to make up for lack of eloquence.

Javy Baez: Turns you on with his defense.  Literally he makes defense sexy and how is that even possible?  Strikes out a lot but not as much as he used to.  Applies eyeblack like he’s drunk.  Best eyebrows in baseball.  Is probably really good in the sack idk I’m just speculating here but it seems likely.  Cooler than you.  Has tattoos of questionable quality but pulls it off.  Can literally play any position.

Addison Russell: Baby.  Polite Filipino.  Balletic grace.  Sneaky good at hitting dingers.  Nice boy you’d bring home to meet the family.

Jon Lester: Quiet redneck.  Neurotic.  Needs gentle handling.  Good enough to ignore the whole neurotic thing, even though everyone else besides Cubs fans never shut up about it.  Probably owns many cowboy hats.  Also a cancer survivor.  Helped coach bb Rizzo on how to fight cancer.  

Jake Arrieta: Definitely a heel.  Has spent two years making all MLB fans who are not Cubs fans hate him.  Hates wearing shirts.   When wearing shirts, hates sleeves.  Likes to show off his hot body.  Dumb on twitter.  Dumb irl.  Public Enemy Number One to Pirates fans.  Really scary good tho, unless he’s having one of those days where he is as wild as Charlie Sheen’s character in Major League.

John Lackey: Angry redneck.  Do not challenge to a fight.  Has massive teeth.  Head case.  Scary.

Ben Zobrist: Sensitive Christian man.  Has a hot wife who sings Christian pop music.  Is so nice that it doesn’t really bother you.  Ginger with ruby red lips.  How are they always so red and plump?  Reliably good.  Is probably cool to talk to for awhile but then he starts to ask you if you’ve been saved and you kind of check out.  Rides his bike to work in full uniform sometimes, which is cute.

Kyle Schwarber: You know that one friend you have who plays a lot of video games and is stocky and listens to a lot of metal and maybe dabbles a bit in Magic: The Gathering?  He looks just like Kyle Schwarber.  Except Kyle isn’t that kind of nerd, he’s the jock who joined the glee club.  Strong.  Like, really strong.

Jason Heyward: Look he seems really nice and his fiancee is gorgeous and his fielding is absolutely incredible.  He’s rich but generous.  He had a really good batting average on other teams.  We won’t talk about his batting average on the Cubs, we’ll just thank him for being a good motivational speaker.

Miguel Montero: Follow his twitter.  Trust me.  Complains a bit too much but is also funny.  Also, hit the game winning RBI in the World Series so I love you Miggy.

Willson Contreras: Emotional.  Reactive.  Has near-Javy level passion.  

Pedro Strop: Hats to the left.  Haters to the left too.  Hats beat bats.

Hector Rondon: We broke him last year but still hoping we can fix him.  Seems nice.  Good at fistpumping.

Carl Edwards Jr.: We call him Carl’s Jr.  He’s the Hardeest pitcher to hit.  Get it?  It’s a thing we do.  Well, it’s a thing I do.  It’s my fetch.  I’m trying to make it happen.

Matt Szczur: Has the ability to bless baseball equipment like some kind of enchanter and/or priest.  Cute as a button.  Really good at painting.

Tommy LaStella: Mysterious wanderer.  Had a crisis of the soul last year.  Comes out to that song that goes “oh what a night, late December back in ‘63.”  Which is also mysterious.  You weren’t born in ‘63, Tommy.  Who are you?

Kyle Hendricks: Has no emotions but in a calming way, not a scary way.  Is smart.  Ivy League smart.  Low key.  Doesn’t get his due because he’s so low key.  A Kyle Hendricks smile is a rare and precious thing, cherish it.

Joe Maddon: The manager and cool dad.  He’s the cool dad who always reminds you he’s the cool dad.  Lets you get away with some bullshit because he wants you to do your thing, it’s that free-range parenting idea.  But then he sometimes gets nutty ideas and even the kids are like “what the fuck is Dad up to this doesn’t even make sense” but then it somehow works out.

Theo Epstein: Blessed cherished sexy God who may someday actually save the entire world.

[newtonsheffield]

Edwina is having the time of her life isn’t she? She’s doing the family group chat version of live tweeting the whole game

Edwina needs to keep their mother updated on the situation of Kate clearly hardcore flirting with five time All-Star Anthony Bridgerton.

Anthony walked straight out onto the field this evening and pretended to look surprised to see Kate there, the new jersey he’d left for her worn open over her sweater.

“Kate?! Oh my god! I almost didn’t recognise you out of the pinstripes!”

Edwina’s eyes narrowed as she watched Kate get flustered, clearing her throat. “Yeah, they must have been having a sale!”

Anthony Bridgerton laughed, adjusting his cap. “Well, I need to get back in there. I’ve got a pretty girl coming to watch me tonight. I got a hair cut especially, did my eyeblack very neatly.”

“Do you?”

“I do.” Anthony grinned, “I’m wearing my very best glove today. I look very handsome, the boys have assured me.”

“Well, good luck.” Kate clicked her tongue, “Hopefully she’s very impressed.”

“We’ll see!” He jogged away, the thin chain around his neck bouncing with the movement.

“Holy Fuck.” Edwina hissed as he turned away, their entire section turning to stare at them. “You sly bitch.”

“Shut up.” Kate rolled her eyes. “He’s just a flirt. One drink’ll satisfy his curiosity.”

“I’m sure.”

“It will.” Kate shrugged, “Anthony Bridgerton is not going to date a 3rd grade team her whole life he met in a coffee shop.”

“Oh sure.” Edwina said. “It looks like he never wants to see you again.”

He winked in their direction as he pulled his glove on, walking towards the infield, caught by the cameras.

Edwina took out her phone, already texting their mother

KATE IS HAVING A DRINK WITH HIM LATER! HE’S PEACOCKING!