#Anna watches The Heaven Sword and Dragon Saber (2019)

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

This Sasquatch is waaaaaay too invested in their love life.  Just abducting them to a mysterious island for potentially forever, but it’s cool, it’s cool no big deal because they can just marry and have kids, right?

Sasquatch, that is so creepy you have no idea.

Also, I am beginning to think that the dude in all the gifsets and carriage torture man are not the same person.  Oh god.  Are the first few episodes a first generation prologue/stage setting??

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

OH MY GOD THERE’S A SASQUATCH!

Okay, I’m fully back on board with this show and I WILL be finishing it.

Also, 5th Hero seems to be slightly cleverer than I gave him credit for.  Sorry, 5th Hero.  My expectations are tainted by some truly terrible tropes, and I did you wrong.

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

We’re on to episode two, and I am beginning to see how they stretched the content for 50 episodes.  Please be merciful with the flashbacks, I pray, and they are not merciful.  There are so many flashbacks.

“I didn’t mean to frame you!”  Babe.  Please.  Try harder, because he can’t be that dumb.

....oooooor he really could be that dumb!  Fuck, he’s stupid!

“So what if I killed a bunch of people? I guess that makes me so evil that I could never be friends with such a good person like this dumb bastard here before me.  Leave, dumb bastard! Let me be poisoned in peace, for I am so evil that I don’t deserve to be saved.”

I really, really hope that this is some kind of plot and that these two aren’t ACTUALLY this stupid.

Oh good, she’s playing him.  I was worried they were going to do some weirdness with the “sweet naive sister” of the Evil Eagle Guy business.

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

Beating up innocent people who made an honest mistake is... something I feel like you probably should have gotten out of your system BEFORE you won your place in this elite martial arts brotherhood??

Man, that neck poison sure packs a punch.

And a massacre!  See, this is why you don’t beat up innocent people, because later you get blamed for massacres you didn’t commit.

But you still have time to flirt with a lady on a boat who definitely isn’t the assassin you’re hunting.  BUDDY.  You’re in the middle of a pursuit!!

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

The timeless carriage torture scene, of course of course, complete with False Brothers.

Real brother to the rescue! ....you rode in on a horse!!  Why are you running with your injured brother in your arms!  You. Have. A. Horse.

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

Eagle Guy is going to get salmonella before the inevitable revenge plot even hits him.  Don’t feed your eagle raw meat from your own mouth!  That is wildly unsanitary!

Broski is crying over the dead extras who had exactly 1.5 minutes of character development.

 RIP nameless boat-rowing man.

Ah man, Eagle Guy can use his straw hat like a throwing star?? Okay, he’s my favorite now.

Did he just... throw needles with his neck?  Into the hero’s neck?

Oh finally a woman!!  BUT we can’t see her face for at least another fifteen minutes to maintain the suspense!!  This time the improbable mechanic is the Neck Poison, which is like 6/10 for weirdness.

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

I’m twenty minutes in, and eighteen of those minutes have been poorly choreographed CGI fight scenes.  There were no clear shots of anyone’s face for about eight whole minutes.  Every time a character is introduced, the framing cuts out their face for as long as possible to increase the suspense.

C’mon, folks.  I just want to see the bitter dude and the lady make googly eyes at each other.

Also, I’ve got money on most of those sworn brothers dying.