#And then you’ll create negativity that never existed as long as it keeps everything normal

[starlooove]

I think what bothers me about ppl being surprised at removing the misogyny or making aang be responsible from the start instead of running away is that this is literally fandom trends representing themselves. Like when characters have to grow y’all run to downplay what they have to grow from! STICK WITH ME FANDOM SHIFT this is what bothers me so much about fanon Harley Quinn. Like if Harley never enjoyed or felt free or whatever with joker why are you calling her post relationship arc a redemption? Even back to heroics if bruce was never an asshole or close minded or ham fisted when it came to his kids where do you think the other identities started? What do you think their relationship is growing from? Like it’s so boring lmao

[oohnoniall]

The Lantsov Emerald [Kaz Brekker x OC] - Chapter One (Anastasia)

WARNINGS: cursing.

       The Grisha were puppets. She could tell that from the way her father had them paraded before him. No one should be treated the way they were and yet, it was the safest they had ever been. She had not grown up in a time before the Darkling. She had only ever known him to reside over the Little Palace. He kept the Grisha safe.

       That didn't stop them from having to perform great feats at the winter fete every year. She had been in attendance every year since she was six.

       She still remembered that first one clearly. It had been the first time she had been presented to the court. Her mother had actually come to her room, getting her ready to be shown off like a prized horse. It was the first time she had been allowed to wear a tiara.

       Nikolai had teased her for it the entire night. He still teased her for it.

       "Annie," a voice hissed to her right. Her eldest brother looked proud in his jacket, his medals pinned to his chest. They showed that he had claimed something in his year of service. Even if she was certain that it was not a brain. "Get your head out of the clouds."

       Vasily had never exactly been close to Anastasia. He had always been more focused on learning how to run Ravka, how to be the king that their country deserved. He had never paid much attention to her as Nikolai had. He hadn't paid Nikolai much attention either. Vasily was less their brother and more an acquaintance.

       Yet he was all that she had.

       Nikolai had left three years before to study and to serve in the military. Anastasia had written him daily letters for the first year, weekly the second. Now, she was lucky if she wrote him monthly. He didn't answer the letters. Too busy with his studies, with forgetting all about the life he had lived back home.

       Forgetting Anastasia.

       "My head is never in the clouds, Vasie," she huffed as she straightened her spine. She found it somewhat hard to breathe in her gown. Her corset was too tight, her mother had said her waist needed to be smaller and her maids had apparently agreed. Despite the lack of oxygen, there was no denying that the gown was beautiful. It was a shade of cream that matched Vasily's jacket perfectly with sky blue lace detailing on the bodice and matching blue flowers embroidered along the hemline.

       It was not the prettiest gown she owned, but it was one of her favorites. If only because she liked that she stood out just a bit from her family. Her mother's gown would be plain, letting everyone focus instead on the Lantsov emerald that would rest on her left hand. Her father and brother would both be sporting their military jackets, the pins and medals gleaming in the light. If Nikolai had been there, he would have at least been the one to escort Anastasia.

       Instead, her arm was linked with Vasily's. A bored smile crossed her features, taking away the seventeen-year-old's normal vibrancy. She despised the winter fete. The past three years had all been more disappointing than the last.

       It had nothing to do with the Grisha. But it had everything to do with the fact that she had no one to speak with. No one to confide in or giggle with when the night grew boring. Life without her brother had become stale, boring even.

       She sighed softly, trying to push out all those negative feelings as Vasily began to gently pull her out of the small antechamber. Her heart pounded in her chest. A four-eighths rhythm that seemed to skip the second beat. She wondered what it would sound like as an aria.

       "Presenting His Highness Crown Prince Vasily Lantsov and Her Highness Princess Anastasia Lantsov," a booming voice announced to the waiting crowd of nobles and rich merchants that surrounded Os Alta.

       A small smattering of applause greeted them, as it did every year. They were not the show though. They were merely just important guests, visitors to the show of something amazing. Something that none of them were entirely prepared for. At least, not yet.

       "Mingle," Vasily murmured in her ear, not bothering to bend. The two were only mere inches apart. A fact that Vasily hated and Nikolai had found humorous. "Just don't wander far from my sight."

       "And if I don't?" She did not move to raise a brow or do anything that might cause alarm. She barely moved her lips as she spoke. Speaking with Vasily just meant keeping it quiet and not allowing anyone to hear.

       "Then you'll never make a friend that isn't Nikolai." Despite their lack of a relationship, he did care for his younger sister. He cared for his brother as well. Although that relationship was far more strained. Not even Vasily could ignore the rumors surrounding his siblings. Anastasia, however, would never be a threat to him getting the throne upon their father's death.

       She gave a very slight nod of her head. If one happened to see it, they would merely assume she had just shifted her stance or something of that nature. They'd never realize that she had agreed to do something for him. Even if it was as simple as mingle with those who gathered with them in celebration of the second army.

       Her brother released her arm, allowing her to slip free from him and into the crowd. She would not leave the room. She knew better than to cause Vasily a heart attack. Had Nikolai been there, she wouldn't have had to worry about any of it. She would have been able to do as pleased. He'd just follow after her, his charisma hiding the fact that he was threatening people or watching over the sister he'd never asked for.

       Soft laughter, low tenors mixed with high sopranos, filled the air with a gentle melody. One that Anastasia could feel tingling in her bones and in her heart. The melodies of life in Ravka had always seemed to flow through the princess. She just hadn't said a word about it to anyone. Her mother had only ever been told she excelled in music lessons.

       She had strived to excel in everything though. Anything to avoid being sent off like her brother.

       "Princess," a tall young man stepped in front of her, blocking her from moving forward. He bowed at the waist to her, his left arm going behind his back in a sign of respect. His dark, blue-black hair fell into his face in the softest of waves. Briefly, she thought about reaching out to run her fingers through them. "I was certain we wouldn't be graced with your presence this evening."

       "And why exactly is that?" Her tone was soft, lilting and pretty. If she added a bit more breath it would sound more like a song.

       "There's a rumor that your parents sent you to Fjerda a week ago," he admitted as he straightened his spine. His eyes were bright, only a few shades darker than the Lantsov emerald. She wondered how many women he had enchanted with his eyes alone.

       Anastasia forced a gentle laugh to leave her lips as she looked at the man. "I'm afraid I will not see Fjerda for a few more years. Although, my departure date is not to be common knowledge." Her eyes glinted in the light, matching the sky blue detailing on her dress.

       "Of course, your highness," the man nodded his hand once. "Might I have this dance with you?"

       She considered it for a moment. A dance didn't mean they'd be courting. Nor did it mean she would be respected. Everything was so political nowadays. If she did not do the right thing, she would create a scandal. However, most of the time it felt as though if she breathed wrong she would cause a scandal or trouble of some sort. It was all quite exhausting if she were being honest.

       Slowly, Anastasia took the man's outstretched hand. "Of course."

       He led her towards the small dance floor. The winter fete was not a place for dancing. But her mother had thought that it would be nice to have a bit of a dance. She was certain that it had only been in case Nikolai or Vasily had caught sight of a woman that might one day become a queen. Or at the very least it made for a good chessboard.

       "What is your name?" She asked as he placed on hand on her waist. She could feel eyes on them. She was certain his family was watching closely, certain that her brother was preparing to protect her honor.

       "Dima Antonov," he said as the music began to swell. He led her through an intricate waltz. One that she had danced a million times. It was practically drilled into her feet.

       The music spoke to her in a way that nothing ever had before. She loved the way it made her feel as though she were floating on air. Every rest was like holding her breath, the crescendo was the beating of her heart as Dima twirled her across the floor. Her gown floating around them as though there was nothing holding her onto this plane of existence. She could fly away, farther than any bird.

       "You're an incredible dancer," his voice brought her back down to the earth. Gravity pulling against her limbs and her hopes.

       "Oh?" An amused smile crossed her features. "You're not so bad yourself."

       A glint of something was in his eyes. She could not tell if it was amusement or something darker. She prayed to the Saints that she would not have to deal with a pining lordling with dreams of becoming king. It wasn't as though the throne would ever fall to her. Yet, some of these lordlings seemed to believe that they would inherit the throne upon marrying her. Her betrothal didn't seem to matter to any of them either.

       Why would she marry a backward Fjerdan when she could have a good, honest Ravakan? Honestly, the whole thing was rather dull.

       There was nothing that could be done about her marriage. Contracts had been signed long ago. Although, the Fjerdans were not holding up their end of the bargain particularly well. It seemed as if they assumed they could do whatever they wanted to the Grisha and get away with it. It seemed as though all they cared about was getting another country to trade with them. Something that her parents also wanted.

       "Thank you, your highness," Dima broke her out of her thoughts as he dipped her in time with the music. Her long flowing hair nearly touched the floor as strands began to fall from the mess of braids that her maids had put it up in. Her heart skipped another beat as she stared up into his eyes.

       Love was such a trivial matter to her and yet, she found it hard to not be wooed by bright eyes and a dazzling smile. She was just a girl after all. A girl with hopes, dreams, ambitions.

       Dima's dazzling smile just happened to be distracting enough to keep her mind off of her ambitions.

       "I've heard that the Princess of Ravka was a sight to behold, but I didn't expect the rumors to be true." He admitted as he gently pulled her back up. She found that she was pressed rather closely to the young man.

       "I take it that this is your first winter fete?" One of her eyebrows rose just a fraction of a centimeter, barely enough for anyone but the man standing in front of her to notice.

       "I've been spending my time with the First Army. My father is a general," he admitted as he stepped back enough to make their dance proper once more. "I've finally been allowed leave and thought I would spend my time is Os Alta."

       "And this has nothing to do with our new Sun Summoner, does it?"

       "Nothing at all," Dima's lips quirked in a handsome smirk. One that sent heat racing to Anastasia's cheeks. She fought down her blush, not wanting a soul to know her feelings.

       Her mother had once told her that she was an open book. Her emotions were easy to read and easy to figure out. Her mother had made sure that she knew it was not a good thing. Beauty was what mattered. At least, until she had done what she needed to. Then she could worry about falling in love and being in love. Until then, she had to focus on the Fjerdan prince and providing an heir when the time came.

       Anastasia's life was nothing more than a game of chess. She just didn't know if she was the pawn or the queen.

       The music slowed to a stop, her heart still kept the steady beat of the waltz. If only to keep it inside of her for a few hours more. Dima stepped away from her, bowing his head politely.

       "Thank you for the dance, your highness," he took her hand in his and raised it to his knuckles. He brushed his lips against it once, before he slipped away, disappearing into the crowd and out of her life.

       She knew better than anyone that it was easier to dance with royalty than actually spend time with them. It was one of the reasons why Nikolai had been her only friend for so long.

       Anastasia did not allow for this to keep her sedated for long. Instead, she slipped away into the crowd. Her eyes searched out Vasily, who was drinking something that was not water while flirting with a lord's daughter. One that he had been speaking with for nearly a year now. She was expecting a courting announcement any day now.

       Vasily being preoccupied was a blessing to her. She could escape from his supposedly watchful gaze and find something to do that was not fawn over the Grisha and what they could do. It wasn't like she hated the Grisha. She just thought that they didn't need to be put on parade. There was no reason for them to be a sort of sideshow.

       Anastasia slipped out of the throne room of the little palace. The noise of the music and the endless chatter allowed for her to be silent, despite the harsh clicking noise of her heels on the tiled floors.

       She could not lose herself completely in the crowd. Others moved out of the way for her, occasional bows were thrown her way while others tried to speak with her about some piece of political jargon that she didn't particularly care about. She was certain that they were only speaking to her because they thought she had her father's ear. It would be quite a shock to them when they realized that she didn't. She had no say in anything political. She was not allowed in council meetings.

       All she was was the pretty princess. The one they could trade for marriage and gain political allies through. It was quite aggravating if anyone were to ask for her opinion. Which they more than likely wouldn't. No one ever did.

       She kept her head held high, her chin pointed just slightly to show she knew who she was and what power she held, as she walked down the hallways and through the crowds. She rounded a corner, her brow furrowing as she noticed something out of the ordinary.

       A man in a guard's uniform. A man that she did not recognize.

       Anastasia knew every guard in the palaces. She had trained with much of them under Nikolai's orders. They had treated her with respect and constantly allowed her to win while also ignoring her horrid aim. Seeing someone new at the winter fete? That was quite unlikely.

       "Excuse me," her voice was soft, barely carrying above the noise of the music and idle chatter. Yet, anyone who knew the royal family would have stopped at her voice. The man kept walking for two steps before realizing his mistake.

       Something was very wrong in the Little Palace. None of the guards should have continued walking. Not even the freshest of faces would have made that mistake.

       She could tell that the man was cursing his mistake as he turned on his heel. There was a look in his eye. A glint of rage, of anxiety even. She would never wish to be the one that rage was directed against. His blue eyes seemed to stare into her soul, drowning her as though it were the depths of the sea or the Fold. His cheekbones were high, sharp enough that they might cut her if she were to touch them.

       She ignored the thundering in her chest, her four-eighths time had become a sixteenth. Fast, quick, ready to jump into her throat.

       The fact that his rage soon melted into the look of one of a new recruit did not help. His features still made him deadly, despite the innocence that he had schooled into his features. Anastasia was someone who wore a mask every day of her life. She had gotten rather good at figuring out who was faking things. She had found different ways to discern who wore a mask and who wore their true face. It was normally in the eyes, in the quirk of their lips, the slightest motion of the eyebrows. There was always a tell.

       It didn't matter who wore the mask.

       "Your Highness," he bowed somewhat awkwardly. It was almost as though there was something wrong with him. Like he had been hurt before or like he found it difficult to bow before anyone. Perhaps he thought himself a king in his own right. "May I help you?"

       His Ravakan was somewhat harsh, the syllables not coming out as easily as they would for a native speaker. She didn't think that was a warning sign. If they had needed more guards, they would have looked to recent immigrants. They'd be too happy to work for the palace and send money back to their families. She just wondered where exactly he was from. The accent didn't seem to be anywhere she could place.

       It was too prim for Kerch and too gentle for Fjerda. Maybe he was from Novi Zem, but he didn't have the air. She figured she would find out later. Now was not the time to question anything as simple as where his accent stemmed from. That would be a conversation for later.

       "You're new," she said as she stepped forward. She did not step close enough to be within his personal bubble, just enough so that he could hear her without straining himself. "I haven't seen you on the grounds before." She had not sparred with him before. It was just improper for her to say so with the entirety of the court present.

       He cleared his throat once, as though he was unsure how to approach her. Or maybe just the topic at hand.

       ”They’ve had me preparing for tonight for the last few weeks,” he said it casually, as though it were nothing but the truth. It should have been. No one would have been fool enough to break into the palaces on the one night when everyone was on high alert.

       At least, that’s what they had all been led to believe.  There was no telling if this was the truth or not. No telling if they were actually safe or if they were all just pawns in someone’s chess game.

       Anastasia was prone to believing one over the other.

       ��I see,” her eyes blazed as she looked at him, not daring to back down from his soulful gaze. “Well, in any case, I like to be well acquainted with my guards, Mr?”

       ”Vanzin,” he said quickly. He no longer looked nervous, the name fell smoothly from his lips. “Nikolai Vanzin.”

       ”Nikolai?”

       ”My mother thought it would be lucky to name me after a prince,” his cheeks heated slightly, enough to make her believe the excuse.

       ”Very well then, Mr. Vanzin. I will see you later then.”

       “I’ll be here all night, Your Highness.”

       A small smile crossed Anastasia’s lips at that, a gleam in her eye that had nothing to do with mischief and everything to do with the new handsome guard. “I expect to see you on the training field tomorrow.” She did not wait for his answer as she turned away.

       Anastasia did not notice the scowl that crossed Vanzin’s face, nor did she notice as he slipped unnoticed into the crowd. Vanzin soon becoming nothing more than a ghost.

       A ghost who went by the name of Kaz Brekker.

[houchlife]

10 Steps to Attract the Life You Want

By Heather Mathews Author of Manifestation Miracle

“What you seek is seeking you” - Rumi

     If I told you that you could create the exact type of circumstances you want, would you call me crazy?

What if your very thoughts could create ripples of change that not only impact your life…but those around you as well?

Philip, a call center worker from the Philippines certainly didn't think so. He dreamed of moving overseas so he could secure a better life and provide for his family.

But at every turn, his own mind shut down every opportunity he thought of.

For instance, Philip considered seeing an immigration consultant, but he either “didn't have the time” or “couldn't afford it”.

So, he resented his situation and cursed himself (and the world) for his “bad luck”.

He didn't realize that the real culprit was his mindset - not his circumstances.

And it seemed like the more he ruminated, the more bad things happened.

Thus, he kept feeding the cycle of being stuck in a rut and feeling bad, trapping him even more.

That was, until his aunt Sara introduced him to the Law of Attraction.

Turning the tide

Before she moved to California, Sara had been close with Philip and treated him like a son.

She had her own share of struggles finding greener pastures abroad, but she applied the principles from the Law of Attraction to overcome them.

So she sent a few books on the topic to Philip through Amazon so he could gain the clarity to turn his life around.

Discover the Lazy Person's Secret To Get Everything You've Ever Wished For

----- CLICK HERE ------

    At first, Philip didn't really think much of it, but he decided to read through the books since his aunt went through the trouble of sending it over.

After he started applying the lessons he learned from the material, things started to change for him.

It came as a complete shock to Philip - he never thought in a million years that making a simple shift in his thinking could have such a direct and POWERFUL impact in his life.

And soon enough, the fog of negativity and despair around Philip lifted and he found a way to make his dreams happen.

Through his persistence, he was eventually able to borrow the money he needed for the consultation fees, and learned the step-by-step process to get work overseas.

Philip was finally able to find a fulfilling and rewarding career in Australia. Not only does he get to support his family back home, he also made friends and enjoys his new life abroad.

Just a few months ago, Philip's parents started their own business, thanks to his help.

    At the rate they're going, his family could save enough so they can pass on their business to another relative and follow Philip to Australia. ould wait for Philip to take the offer so they can move there instead.

Whatever option Philip chooses, the possibilities for him are almost limitless.

But he's just one of thousands who made the Law of Attraction to work for him. Like Philip, a lot of people are initially discouraged to try because they think it takes a lot of work.   

But the reality is that it's surprisingly easy to get started. You just need to follow these 10 Super Simple Steps to Attract Everything You've Ever Wanted:

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Step #1: A little gratitude goes a long way

    The first thing you should learn about the Law of Attraction is that it operates on energy.

YOUR energy, to be exact.

Everyone has a different kind of energy they bring into the world, and it affects them in ways they often don't see or appreciate.

The secret lies in the FREQUENCY of a person's energy - and you need to raise yours in order to change your life.

Think of your unique energy as a sort of gas that fills the space of your reality. Whatever “gas” or “energy” you pump out into your immediate space will define your existence.

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, said this in his book, “Man's Search for Meaning”:

“To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative.”

So if you want to invite great things into your life, you need to set the stage first. And you can do that by leading with the right energy.

That's why being grateful and appreciating what you have is powerful way to recalibrate your frequency.

Most folks hold off on feeling this way for AFTER they get what they want. But that's putting the cart before the horse, as the saying goes.

When you LEAD with gratitude, it will act as the precedent for everything good that follows.

    Discover the Lazy Person's Secret To Get Everything You've Ever Wished For

----- CLICK HERE -----

  What I like to do is start of my day by making a list of things that I'm grateful for. If I miss anything, I save it for later and update my list at the end of my day.

And when I go over my list during the weekend, I'll see exactly how much good stuff I've accumulated.

This creates a kind of snowball effect and helps me attract even MORE good stuff down the road.

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Step #2: Be generous

    This can be a challenge for some people if they feel like there isn't enough to go around.

But if you take the initiative to SHARE whatever you can without asking anything in return…

… you'll generate the kind of energy that attracts prosperity for everyone…

…including YOU.

Again, this is the Law of Attraction at work.

Try offering your time, talents and material wealth to those who need it - you'll soon invite blessings without even trying.

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Step #3: Visualize your future

    What I find amazing about kids is how powerful their imaginations are.

When they role-play with other children, you can see in their eyes how REAL their games are to them.

This is something that's lost on grown-ups, and it's important to recapture that ability to envision the kind of reality you want.

The Universe likes to play games with us- the better you are at visualizing, the more you'll be rewarded.

Like I said, a certain type of energy attracts a certain kind of reality.

So if you focus your energy and thoughts on that dream job you want or the car you've always wanted to drive, you'll raise your frequency to ATTRACT those exact things.

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Step #4: Let the negativity pass

   When the bad times roll in and you feel like dirt, sometimes it's better to step aside and let it run its course.

Having negative thoughts and emotions are totally normal, but you don't always have to wrestle with them.

You can simply acknowledge what's going on in your inner world - then CHOOSE to keep moving forward anyway.

Let this negative energy pass through your system like bad case of gas. The sooner you let it do its thing, the quicker you can get back to what you were doing.

(Sorry for the fart analogy, but it get the point across, doesn't it?)

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Step #5: Never stop growing 

 It's good to have a daily routine in your life, but not at the expense of your personal development.

Most people are so set in their ways that they're afraid of the thought of doing something new.

Then they complain about their humdrum lives, or that some folks “have all the luck.”

Breaking out of your comfort zone is never an easy thing, but it's a step worth taking.

No matter how loaded your schedule is, find some chunks of time to do things that will help you grow.

Whether it's taking an online course, joining a community, or taking up a hobby, this is a powerful way to attract new and exciting things in your life.

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Step #6: Avoid the “toxic” crowd   

There are people who seem hell-bent on pulling others into their world of misery.

Whether they're trying to lessen their own pain or simply enjoy doing it, you need to steer clear of them.

Instead, choose people who will have the opposite effect on your psyche. Not only does a person's energy attract circumstances, it's also CONTAGIOUS.

So make sure you hang out with the people who'll inspire you to achieve greater things - and not bring you down with apathy or inaction.

Learn How to Force the Universe to Manifest Your Dream Life -

CLICK HERE 

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Step #7: Give yourself permission to succeed

   Most of the world's most brilliant people were put down in some way.

Somewhere along the way, someone told them they'd “never make it” or were “destined to fail.”

In your own life, certain people have tried to discourage you in some way.

They might have tried putting you down when you were growing up - or it could have been last week.

It doesn't matter.

What's important is that you understand that NO ONE can put labels on you.

And more importantly, they can NEVER give you permission to achieve what you want in life. You need to do that for yourself.

Don't let their words define your “story”. You don't have to fit whatever petty narrative they're trying to force on you.

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Step #8: Affirm who you are

   Instead of feeding into the lies that people tell you, let this be the day to start living your truth.

Create statements that embody the truth you choose to be, AND to live in.

People do this all the time.

When Elon Musk tried to launch the world's first privately owned rocket and failed, he told himself, “I'm going to try again, and I WILL get that thing into orbit.” (Well, maybe not exactly like that, but you get the point.)

And so his company SpaceX went back to the drawing board and got it right after the third attempt.

Elon affirmed his truth and it manifested into reality. In the same way, you can choose to affirm whatever truth applies to you.

Be honest with yourself and acknowledge the things that TRULY matter to you.

You know it, and the Universe knows it.

The key is to repeat it yourself every day. For example, if you know deep in your heart that you want to make a better life for yourself, you can say something like this:

      “I may be struggling right now, but I know deep inside that I have what it takes to improve my life. I see myself transforming into a happier, wealthier person who makes other people's lives brighter.”

When you operate from even the tiniest shred of truth, you can grow that into a powerful force over time.

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Step #9: Fail spectacularly 

 Here's something most people don't know about the Law of Attraction: before you can enjoy success and find true happiness, you need to crash and burn.

It's better to go after what you want and risking failure rather than playing it safe and not trying at all.

To create order in your life, you'll have to embrace the chaos that comes before it.

This is where you'll find the real lessons, even if they hurt a little.

(Or in some cases, a LOT).

Think of yourself as the beautiful Phoenix, like in the legends.

Imagine burning off bits and pieces of yourself that you don't need. As you rise from the ashes, you're reborn into a NEW YOU.

That's evolution. It may be an imperfect and unpleasant process, but the results are worth it.

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Step #10: Remove your BIGGEST barrier to success

   People don't realize that their greatest roadblock is none other than their own mindset.

They may say they want something to happen, but don't REALLY mean it.

For instance, someone might want to lose weight, but they don't want it bad enough.

Worse, they might not actually believe they can shed those pounds. A part of them refuses to acknowledge the faintest possibility of it happening.

This is pretty much why people NEVER attract the things they want in life.

In order to remove this barrier, you'll need to change something inside you.

You need to dig deep and understand WHY you don't want it as much as you say you do.

Are you scared of suffering through the process of getting what you want?

This is what turns most people off - they simply can't process the discomfort involved with growing up.

At the same time, you need to deal with the reasons why you think that your desired reality is impossible.

It could be some deep-seated beliefs brought about by past events, or experiences growing up.   

Once you sort this out, you'll be free to do what you want without any pre-programmed beliefs holding you back.

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[rpbetter]

I often see multis post that they want to make a new muse, at the same time as they're backed up on threads and asks, and they get their followers to "enable" them to make that muse in the post replies. What is your take on this? Is it a they-can-do-what-they-want situation, or is it reasonable to be annoyed when I see this? Or both?

Hey, Anon!

Both.

I mean, as usual, this is my opinion of an opinion-based matter. This isn't an equation that has an objectively right to wrong scale, it isn't actually hurting any living person or thing. But...it is incredibly annoying and can be hurtful.

They can totally do what they want, and much of the nature of genuine creativity is exactly that - the allowance of doing whatever you so desire. It's something I support rather adamantly, but it's also something I support trying our best to do responsibly and without being hurtful to anyone in a hobby that involves more than ourselves.

This isn't deciding to write another fic when you've not finished the previous four or five that others were interested in, or never finishing any of your original fiction, but continually starting new projects. While others might be enjoying those things as well, you didn't agree to interact with them. They're audience members, not participants.

When others are participants in a hobby that has to work both ways, it's different. Your actions do affect other, real human beings.

So, I totally feel like you've a right to be annoyed every time you see that happening. I do. I tend to unfollow people who do that repeatedly, as we're not pursuing the hobby in the same way. I'll argue all day that someone has a right to their, sometimes literally, eighty-plus muses they never develop or stick to, but that doesn't mean I want to engage with them as a writing partner.

For those of us who want long-term writing partners with the same, well-developed muses, this kind of thing just is annoying. As is everything else that comes with it.

As in...

They're constantly posting "talk me out of adding x" as code for "talk me into writing x."

No one actually wants to be talked out of it, which was probably more obvious to everyone else here than it was me for a little while lmao I tend to take things rather literally. This was, as one can imagine, not appreciated! Telling someone in total earnestness, "I really don't think that's a good choice. You're always saying how overwhelmed you are and just dropped multiple threads yesterday, so adding another muse is going to make you feel worse eventually. Don't do it! :)" is so not what they were looking for. As was evident by the return meltdown over how they could do what they wanted, like I said they couldn't or had any authority over what they're doing with their time.

It's an obnoxious bit of pandering for a foregone conclusion.

Have you ever seen anyone who posts that sort of thing not pick up that muse? I haven't. I've only seen muns who are legitimately on the fence about it asking others in private conversations or testing out the muse decide against it. The thing that makes this incredibly irritating is the attention-seeking and need to validate something they must know isn't a great choice, otherwise, they'd just do it. They're aware that they're behind on drafts, asks, and other things - aware that this is maybe a dick move when they owe everyone already. So, they're seeking "permission" with full knowledge that multiple mutuals are going to hop on that post with encouragement, even some of the ones being messed over by this choice.

It puts people in a bad situation.

Some of those people genuinely don't care, they just want to interact with any muse, and I'm going to be awful and say it - they don't care about totally interchangeable muses and have them themselves. That's fine, this isn't a problem for them. It is for the mutuals who are hoping that maybe if their writing partner gets into this new muse, they'll get a reply to their threads with that energy, or that they'll stick to this one and they can have consistent interactions with them. It is for the mutuals who feel pressured to respond positively because they fear not responding at all will make them seem like bad rpers.

One more thing playing into the counter logic excuse for shitty behavior of "it's just a hobby" is one more thing too many, and it does exactly that.

No one wants to be accused of being remotely too invested in RP anymore, of taking it too seriously, or having any emotional investment in muses, stories, or muns. Not accepting every choice someone makes that negatively impacts you with a grin on your face while you dump confetti on them for it just isn't a comfortable option for a lot of muns anymore. Honesty isn't a comfortable option. While the other option isn't either, it seems better than that mutual noticing you're the only writing partner who didn't hop onto that post with support any of the multiple times they reblogged it. It's only a hobby in which everyone can do what they want until what one wants clashes. Then, you're getting a callout for being addicted to RP.

And the way it tends to clash most is in having expectations of others. Ones that would be totally normal in any other hobby requiring interaction with other people.

Like not overburdening yourself at the expense not only of yourself but those on your "team." That's what is being done when someone knows they cannot keep up with themselves, but continues to add to the situation with new muses.

Not only are you no longer getting responses already while they're intending to add even more to their overflowing plate, you'll be dropped again when they have to "fresh start" their blog because they're burned out.

I have to put that in quotations because I don't know how it's a fresh start when you keep everything but the blog layout the same. All the muses and all the behaviors, including adding a new one despite not having the time or interest necessary to do so, is inevitably maintaining the problems that led to burnout. Dropping every thread, changing the URL, a new blog layout, new aesthetics, isn't fixing the issue even if it temporarily reinvigorates the mun.

The mun is definitely doing things that are not helpful to them, it's stressful and upsetting to experience burnout, but it's at least that mun's choice. Both to do it and to become defensive over fixing it, thus, never fixing it. It isn't anyone else's choice to be repeatedly dropped or ignored, though...unless they just keep sticking around for it.

Again, we're supposed to respect everyone's choices. That's fine when it really works that way, when it is truly everyone. But it's not an acceptable decision to see a multimuse of twenty or more muses and say that's your limit, that you've experienced too many muns who are serial muse-adders not being able to keep up with themselves, so you don't interact with these blogs. If one feels that way, they had better not put it in their rules or ever be upfront about this as a reason, when one is demanded, for not following back or interacting.

It's not acceptable to see a writing partner adding another muse after they've owed you for months, just wiped their inbox, and keep expressing being overwhelmed/behind and become annoyed. Let alone dropping them or explaining to them why you are doing so.

The only "acceptable" course of action is hoping that they totally forget you exist so you can quietly slip away.

I don't feel like that's especially fair or mature. It certainly isn't helping the communication problem we absolutely do have here in the RPC when only one party is allowed to communicate without fear of being labeled, rather ironically, as a bad RP partner.

While this problem seems to be most prevalent in more casual RPers, it's certainly not isolated there. I feel like it's necessary to say that I've had muns I both interacted with and were simply on my dash alike who were not on that more casual side who went from being multis to being muse collectors. Once they hit over fifteen of them or so, they stopped even bothering to try to refrain from picking up at least one muse from every new piece of media they consumed or were inspired by.

It was more annoying because they had been capable of writing truly unique characters they stuck to, and even if they were, with full and upfront admission before interaction, slower to respond, those responses were well worth any wait for the quality of writing and storytelling going on. That's so much worse than someone who was always at a lower skill level as a writer, didn't have a good grasp on characterization, and wasn't especially dedicated to anything. It's depressing and disappointing, but it's also not what you think you're getting into when trying to carefully pick who to write with. Like everyone else, my time to enjoy this hobby is far from twenty-four-seven as well. It's important to me to try to choose muns I'll work out with well so that neither of us is wasting the other's time. And that's what it feels like - the investment of time was a waste because their hobby became adding infinite muses, or rather, the idea of muses.

So, yes, while it is fully everyone's right to write what and how they want to (even if it amounts to not writing at all), it'd be nice if we were all as committed to doing so in a way that was adult enough to respect commitments we've made to each other as we are, as a RPC, to losing our minds when someone merely drops the words "commitments" or "respect."

For the inevitable muse-collectors running across this:

Fiction is inspiring! That doesn't mean you needn't be inspired by anything, just that picking up or creating a whole other muse might not be the best way to follow this inspiration.

If you're considering another muse, but you find yourself already behind and/or overwhelmed? Try one of these instead:

create a plot based on it! Write up the idea and put it in your wanted plots/wishlist tag. Bring it up to partners you think might be interested in it as well, or seek out a crossover from that fandom

make it a new verse for an existing muse! This is as close as you get to creating a new muse without actually doing so, and in many ways, it takes even more creativity. How is your muse different in this AU than they are in canon, how are they the same? In the ways that they are the same, what similar events but done in a way that is natural/logical to this universe have happened to maintain that? Get really creative!

for either/both of these, make some moodboards and aesthetics with that energy while you're waiting on someone to take you up on these new things. Answer some HC asks or tag games using your new verse, or write an independent HC for the verse or plot

talk to writing partners who already love that muse about their new verse/your desired plot! No, not pressuring talk, just normal conversation between friends, but maybe they will be interested in starting a thread

simply be inspired to include some aspect of what you liked in an existent thread. A particular scene you could pull ideas from, the overall mood of a film, or the way something was written in a book - include that in your replies somehow! RP is creative writing, be creative

There are so many, honestly more organic, directions to take inspiration than bluntly adding a new muse. Especially when you're already overburdened, not holding up your end of replies, and/or not able to portray each muse as their own character properly.

Sometimes, it's not just not a great idea to add a whole new muse, and that's alright. There seems to be a serious problem with fomo going on with this whole issue, too. You're not going to miss out if you do not immediately add this character to your multi, and you're never going to fully keep up with what is trending anyway. Do it because you still want to write this muse in four months instead, they're obviously not going anywhere if that's the case, and they'll be a better developed, interesting portrayal for that.

And people do have a right to be annoyed when they feel sidelined by you seeing a shiny object and repeatedly pandering for validation in dropping them for it. Particularly if you're a mun who, further, expects everyone to be just as interested in every new muse you make as the last. As in, you're annoyed when you keep creating muses no one is falling over themselves to interact with, guilting, shaming, or outright demanding that this new muse is interacted with before they have access to the previous ones.

They don't have a right to be mean you to, but they have a right to be annoyed and to drop you. They even have a right to politely decline explaining this to you if they feel unsafe, or to politely explain it to you before they move on.

Absolutely everyone's right to pursue RP and every facet of it as they so please, but no one else has to like what you're doing.

If this response grates on some of you out there? Consider the other options you have, how you might be making others feel, and that it's actually completely okay to tell yourself no. You won't perish if you tell yourself no to taking on a new muse when you, honestly, should not! It'll be okay! Maybe, you just need to evaluate if there is another muse, or more than one, you should remove before adding one. Maybe, you just need some time to reorganize how you reply before you add this one. "No" when told to yourself can simply mean "no, not right now, it isn't a good time/situation."

[musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer]

THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.

You don’t have to agree with what I’m about to say, you’re allowed to have your own feelings and opinion, this is just my post reflection re-examined take not just as a black fan but as human in general but I hope it gives you a new perspective. I’ve been thinking about this whole situation and wanting to see if there’s something I’m missing because something feels badly wrong and I just can’t shake it. 

I think what genuinely started off as respectful constructive criticism has now become people nitpicking on a whole new level and some people just being flat out hateful. I’m talking DEMONIC level vile and twisting things to fit some messed up agenda they have. To be honest some non black or poc fans seem more upset about this situation than black fans themselves. I feel like this whole thing has now gotten out of hand and taken a lot of focus off the movement that could honestly be a lot better spent.

The class of 2020 video I felt was her just trying to be light hearted and connect with people who yes, many are going through a difficult time, but their graduation was supposed to be a really happy day. She was bullied a lot in school, so graduation must’ve been something she held on to during dark times and looked forward to to give her hope. Then she never got to fulfil the ending she imagined but she celebrated in her own way with her mum who was her rock the whole time in a not so glamorous setting but she was happy. So I think she just wanted to make them feel better and focus on the positives. Which I thought was nice of her. Taylor’s going through her own difficulties also. I didn’t see it as her trying to trivialise what other people may be going through at all. What did you want her to do? I’m pretty sure if she took a focus on the serious issues approach you’d say she’s being too negative or it wouldn’t be right in some other way.

As for the BLM situation, I too wished she’d do more and felt she had so much potential to still do better. I wrote a whole rambly post explaining my feelings. Here’s my original post for reference: https://musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer.tumblr.com/post/620145959803961344/maybe-i-am-stupid-for-feeling-this-hurt-and-its

After taking some time to think about it, I’ve come to some realisations that have given me a new perspective. Do I think that Taylor could still do better? Yes she has lots of potential to improve. But what is better? Who gets to decide what level of better is enough? What I’ve come to realise is though I think a lot of people are genuinely coming from a place of love, we’re holding Taylor to an unfair standard. Before you get all outraged just hear me out.

Like I said in my original post I think most of us feel this is odd and confusing for the same reasons. In any case, I think our special bond with her is the major part of why we’re holding her to this high standard. The fan/celebrity dynamic can be incredibly toxic for both parties. She’s grateful for her fans and goes above and beyond the norm to really make us all feel special and loved, like we’re friends almost. But the truth is, fan love can be very toxic and in reality she’ll never be able to love us back the way we love her or want her to. Not because she doesn’t care enough to but the very nature of our relationship makes it impossible to do so because this relationship is an unnatural one.

Essentially she is one human who is and or does something we like (ie. make music), that we often also attach our own super meaningful significances and emotion to. So it’s more than just what they are/do it’s also what that means to us. We are over a million individual STRANGERS who obsess and sort of stalk her in a socially acceptable way (for the most part) and we love her and believe we’re special to her because she approves and acknowledges and interacts with us as a collective group through posts online and during in person events. But because we also feel that we love her in our own unique way as individuals distinct from the group and have our own ‘love story’ with her, we believe we all have a unique special bond with her. Logically we know we are just a stranger but emotionally I guess deep down we crave that love being reciprocated as an individual. We don’t just want to be loved as a collective, we want to be special to her, we want to let her know how much we love her and have her listen to our thoughts/feelings and essentially feel like her friend and for us to tell us personally she loves and appreciates us back or to praise or validate our displays of love in some way.

Without meaning to we can often put her on a pedestal. She is our perfect idol, queen of whatever safe haven we’ve created in ‘her magical world’ we escape to. We love and defend her. In some cases it almost becomes like borderline worship. We would do anything for her or anything to feel close to her no matter how humiliating or whatever the cost, because it’s for her she is our everything and no one could understand your love, they just don’t get it. Who cares if you look crazy, love is crazy right? We obsessively learn facts about her as a way to feel closer. Or save up for ages just to buy objects she sells or pay to be in her presence for an hour or two. Those who get to meet her report back to the group details which would be viewed as incredibly creepy outside the context of fan/celebrity, like what does she smell like, how long you remember her holding your hand for in seconds, the instant you saw her you fell on the floor overcome with emotion and ugly cried, despite this being your first time ever meeting her, so you are again likely a literal stranger to her, you profess your love and proceed to tell her your deepest darkest and most intimate thoughts, feelings, life traumas and secrets and want her to be completely chill and loving and instantly say something beautiful and profound in response to treasure forever. The group fawn over you when you return, you become a chosen one, the chosen elite are specially selected and invited to her home (the HIGHEST honour) where she shares her work with you before anyone, you then have a secret to keep because she trusts you and loves you.

Human beings cannot form deep intimate friendships with over a million people. It’s just not possible. She will never be our friend friend, but the closest thing we have is her momentarily acknowledging our existence. We know this and so it becomes a competition for her attention. This kind of one sided love and weird relationship dynamic, allows us to more easily tap into the darker sometimes more destructive sides of love; obsession, jealousy, rage, neediness, possessiveness. I’m not saying this to make fun of anyone (trust me, I have humiliated myself in ways as fangirl especially as a teen that continue to haunt me to this day), I just wanted to give you a very literal description of our relationship with her so you’ll understand my point that our relationship is unnatural.

We would say we love Taylor like a friend, but when you’re a fan you don’t really. Not because you don’t know enough about her or she doesn’t talk to you enough but for the very nature of what I explained above, she may mean something to us but to her we are literally strangers. Besides, imagine a good friend of yours right now, imagine doing everything you do for Taylor for your friend. Put pictures of them all over your bedroom wall, frame a tissue they touched, make web pages dedicated to them, wearing clothing with their face on it. Yeah, there’s a high chance they’d get a restraining order against you.

From Taylor’s perspective it must be incredibly strange. She’s said she often feels like she’s in a fish bowl. Well what we essentially do is all smoosh our faces against the glass and repeatedly tap it to get the attention of the pretty fish (Taylor). Every time it comes out of the little castle in the bowl, the frenzy begins. Could you imagine what it must feel like to be her? All that attention? All those people pinning all their expectations hopes and dreams on you. Thousands of people making you their sanctuary and safety comforter so if you did something to loose them their worlds would come crashing down. That’s an insane amount of pressure. It must be genuinely terrifying. 

Taylor said she struggles with wanting to keep everybody happy and giving too much of herself to do so, she’s a perfectionist and hates letting people down or she beats herself up about it. I know she loves what she does, but at the same time it must be so exhausting and really drain you. She must read lots of really happy & silly posts, but then some might be people sharing really emotional things about a very difficult and dark time they’re going through, though we mean well when we share it, it must be really hard knowing that you can’t help them. I don’t even want to imagine the vile hate that she reads, because imagine how one hate comment makes us feel but she gets hundreds and sometimes it’s on magazines at the store so it follows her everywhere. She can’t even go outside to do regular human things without the risk of getting mobbed or just knowing everyone’s staring at her and watching her every move. Look how we all hate being trapped at home because everywhere we go outside is dangerous due to COVID-19. It’s a huge amount to take in and process emotionally.

Sometimes I think she research’s people before she meets them, not just because she cares, but for her own sanity and to make it less strange. So the interaction can be more normal. She seems to really like reading people just talking about their ordinary life, day to day things because her life is far from normal. But she meets us like a conveyer belt, people that she makes a connection with and then they get taken away and she’ll never get to meet them again. When she wants to see someone again, people get upset because why aren’t they getting a chance to get picked or that person had already met her, but they don’t think about how Taylor feels because maybe she likes that person and wants to talk to them again. We think her life is incredibly privileged and yes she’s incredibly smart and knows how to handle her career but in reality in a lot of ways it must be so maddening, sad and lonely because human beings were not designed to live this way. “And they tell you that you’re lucky but you’re so confused, ‘cause you don’t feel pretty you just feel used.”

It’s okay to be a fan of someone or look up to them or connect and find meaning with them and their work. As long as it’s done in a healthy way. We need to really work on that or we’re really going to hurt her more than we have. For Taylor to live the life she does, you have to develop really thick skin or turn to things to just numb everything, I see how celebrities end up with addiction problems or suddenly acting out because they can’t cope anymore. You have to learn to shut it out to survive. We made her our comfort blanket that we’d find it hard to live without. So we want her to behave in a way that we approve, not just because we want her to be her best self but also because we struggle to think how we’d cope without her. But we have to remember she’s human just like us. She’s going to make mistakes, not always be her best self, have bad days. Just because she might have more money or more people that know her doesn’t make her magically stop being human. She goes through life like everyone else. It’s healthy to give her constructive criticism but we have to watch the tone in which we say things. I’m not saying we baby her but we have to remember unnatural dynamic we have. It’s not just a few posts, it ends up being thunderously loud because it’s thousands or more than a million people saying the same thing. Social media makes you forget you’re talking to a human being because you can’t see their face or their reaction to how your words are impacting them. Sometimes you can’t shut it out and to her it must feel like a million people are suddenly very angry or disappointed with you and are going to take their love away. Because I guess in a way she becomes attached to us also. You don’t stop caring no matter what people say, you’re human. Remember how it feels when one person you love is disappointed or angry with you. Now amplify that. Mentally that’s...wow. I feel so so bad for her because I honestly don’t know how she copes and does this so well. This could all really send someone over the edge and we’ve seen it happen. We’ve gotten a tiny glimpse into how badly it can affect her. I’m glad she has an amazing family, Joe and true friends who are there for her but God only how she copes behind closed doors.

This fandom sometimes reaches an ugly level of entitlement because the truth is she has spoiled us. We expect things that we shouldn’t expect because she gives us more attention and puts more effort into making all of us feel special than we deserve. I can’t believe after everything she’s ever done, people would think it was all a lie. Mess up one time and everything you did was fake? People who are fake mess up, especially when things aren’t going their way or to plan and they snap and reveal what they’re really like. She’s been through so many trials time and time again and proven her character. Come on, we know who she is. Like all humans she might not be perfect but she is truly good person and she has a good heart and a pure beautiful soul. She’d have to be an insanely good actress and dedicate a huge amount of time to planning all of these lies. You guys have met her, you’ve seen how good she is at connecting with people instantly. She’s warm and loving and even the cats love her as much as she loves them. For someone who has so much money, she seems to enjoy the simple things in life the most and making everyone happy and she’s so humble. I think a lot of that is also in part to the people around her who keep her grounded. 

Anyhow, that black and white thinking of you are either all good or you’re all bad, is so immature and dangerous, because people are more complicated than that because we’re not simply one thing. Which one of us is a perfect person that has never made a mistake or let people down? Ever made a resolution that you stuck to or you needed more time to work on, or were just unsure how to begin or feel overwhelmed? Exactly. I know a lot of us came from a place of love, we don’t hate her at all we just wanted her to do better. And we’ve come up with all kinds of conspiracies of why she doesn’t want to post more because we feel that this doesn’t match the Taylor that we know in our hearts that she is. 

We need to stop judging and shaming each other. Virtue signalling for the sake of looking woke and outrage culture needs to end because it honestly does more harm than good. I’ve seen it become like dangerous mob behaviour and people get hurt. We all learn at our own pace and handle things in our own way and prefer helping in our own preferred ways. Don’t always assume the worst about people. Like I said, social media isn’t the be all and end of everything. Just because you don’t post about it doesn’t mean you don’t care. You could be doing lots of things offline to help that could be really impactful. Often times these can have huge meaningful long term impact, because we literally don’t live inside the internet. Humans connecting with each other in the real world as nature intended us to be is actually super important. I think a lot of problems could be resolved by people logging off the internet and talking to each other in person; people say things behind a screen that they wouldn’t in real life or may regret because it’s easier to not access empathy and not view the person you’re talking to as human this way. It’s good to take your own time to properly think about things before you just open your mouth. Besides everyone starts somewhere. 

There’s lots of really graphic stuff online at the moment and even I had to take a break. Someone not being black doesn’t mean they don’t need to care for their mental health or don’t get affected. The virus has been really hard on a lot of us in many ways, it can infect anyone and honestly all the panic and doom and uncertainty starts to really get to you after a while and sometime’s you just have to disconnect. Her mother is very vulnerable and Taylor is a human with feelings. You have to fill up your own cup before you can pour into other people’s. We need to be kinder to each other, you never know what someone is going through or what their circumstances are. It might not always be safe for someone to speak out publicly, it’s often more complicated than we think. We know white supremacist groups have made Taylor a focus before, maybe her recent activity could make her a target and put her in a lot danger. I pray not and that she and everyone she loves is safe. 

We have to remember to try and have empathy for her and not look at her as just Taylor with the huge fan base, but Taylor the human being. We all have our flaws. Her mother is really gravely ill. I know lots of you will be like so? that’s not an excuse. But I think we all need to examine who we’ve allowed ourselves to become because that’s such a gross attitude and we’re not being fair with her. Her mum is her best friend and the most important person who comforts her and is her source of security and stability. She means so much to her, she’s her mum. We too should care about her mum because she’s been such an angel to us as fans and is a pure bright light in this world. Remember soon you’ll get better? That broke my heart. God only knows how Taylor is coping with all of that, the scrutiny of fame, the pandemic and whatever threats she could have received. If you’ve ever had someone you love go through something like this, you know how hard it can be, how helpless you can feel and how your head might not always be in the right space. Every second with them is precious because things genuinely change in an instant and you could suddenly lose them. Imagine your own darkest moment. Maybe given her circumstances that’s the best she can do right now. It’s not our place to judge her. 

Why can’t she get her team to simply post for her? I imagine she’d rather do it and select things herself given the sensitive important nature of this cause (it’s not like merch promo) or else we’d then start to question everything else. She would make headlines for anything she did. It would draw attention to her and could put her family in more danger. Remember how her dad was so afraid for her? Well I don’t think any added stress is what her family needs with her sick mother in the midst of a global pandemic. When does Taylor get a break from everyone and just get a second to look after herself? We can wish but we cannot demand that she come and explain to console us. We are not her responsibility. 

I’ve noticed she’s been different the past few months. She doesn’t look like herself in the pictures she’s posted, she just looks blank and this whole situation has felt very off and I’ve really worried something was wrong. Watching that class 2020 video Idk you might think I’m crazy but it genuinely sounded like she was holding in tears and she looked sad. Like she was somewhere else when she was talking but forcing herself to look happy. Just because she may look like she’s holding it together doesn’t mean she actually is. My heart is broken for her and I pray for her and her loved ones. Go back and watch it yourself. 

We all need to really reflect and deeply think about how our actions can affect others and take a long hard look at the people we have become and ask ourselves if this is who we really want to be, myself included. You can still have your own feelings and opinions on this situation but I really hope this helps you see a new perspective. We have to remember there are multiple injustices and hardships going on all over the world at once. We need to check our pride and our egos and humble ourselves. Be less judgmental and more empathetic. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. 

Taylor if you’re reading this (I know the chances are teensy), I’m genuinely so sorry. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well. I love you so so much and I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers 💖

[mountphoenixrp]

We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

         Suppapong Udomkaewkanjana, who is also known as Saint;                                        a 20 year old son of Horus.                                              He is a figure skater.

FC NAME/GROUP: Saint Suppapong / Suppapong Udomkaewkanjana (Thai actor) CHARACTER NAME: Suppapong Udomkaewkanjana / ศุภพงษ์ อุดมแก้วกาญจนา AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: April 17, 2000 (adjusted from 1998) PLACE OF BIRTH: Ban Khlong Nonsi, Koh Chang island, Trat province, Thailand OCCUPATION: Professional figure skater HEIGHT: 1,81 / 5’11 WEIGHT: 62 / 137 DEFINING FEATURES: Caramel brown eyes that remind of his father’s golden eye, chubby cheeks and a bright as the sun smile, tends to wear his hair styled up but occasionally has it down for competition or styled shoots, broad shoulders relative to his frame, multiple scars along his legs and a few on his hands from skating injuries as well as rough calloused feet, scarring along his right outer thigh and just above the hip from a car accident in Seoul when he was 15

PERSONALITY: Suppapong, or as everyone calls him by Thai custom Saint, is a very driven individual and it shows in everything he does. Almost everything has a goal, whether it is choosing his food, declining your request of him or moving to the other side of the world. He always has a reason and he rarely gives up on his goals. He wants to make his family proud of him and strives to be the best. Not just as a figure skater but in general as a person he wants to be complimented and told he did well. Even so, it is undeniable that the man has a side of arrogance. However he sees it as something that even though it has its negative effects, if he controls it well is a perfect drive to keep him going further and further till he reaches the top. That and his rivalry with others. He can be prickly and impatient with things he doesn’t think worth his time yet he has the patience and focus to repeat one thing over and over again at training till he gets it just right. Though, faster is better. He considers himself unlucky but in reality he might often be the cause of his own misfortune. His highly demanding personality spills over into his personal life and surroundings, making it often hard for him to mix well with people who don’t have a similar mindset of working towards a goal. Add on to that his charisma and he can come across intimidating to some. But those who know him well enough are aware there’s a whole different side underneath. The brightest laughter and the most caring friend you can wish for. Crawling and clawing yourself to that spot however is not easy. But when you get there, he might just drop his guards and relax for once and you’ll see the Saint that doesn’t just act nice for the sake of it but who is actually warm and kind-hearted.

HISTORY: Born an only son of a resort owner on Koh Chang island in the Trat province of Thailand Suppapong, nicknamed Saint, never had too much to wish for in his childhood when it came to material things. The resort did well but as a result thereof and his mother’s wish for her son to excel he did not live on the beautiful island for long. Instead the boy was sent off, encouraged (made to) try many things to find his niche he could reach the top in. His mother wasn’t unkind, gods no, but she was determined in her wanting the best for her son. She saw finding your talents and excelling in them as the goal in life and as such created that life for Saint. His father was Horus, the Egyptian god who had a similar perfectionist attitude in the things he did. The boy never complained, always having seen it as normal for him and that he was made to excel, to make his parents proud. And eventually, in a local city they found something. It started with inline skating. Saint practically flew on the skates and in a short time through his joy and passion for the sport was doing tricks. The watchful eye of his ‘caretaker’, Aawut Ritthirong, who’d been with him throughout this search for his talent immediately saw it. He added to it. He had seen Saint excel in controlling his body and movements and knew exactly where to bring him. One flight to the capital Bangkok later and a scheduled training with a private coach they found it. Figure skating. Not only did it match the boy his interests and talents, it was also a prestigious sport.   Fast forward one year to the age of 7 and the young Thai child arrives in an unfamiliar country with just his caretaker and one suitcase full of clothes and personal belongings. Everything arranged for him there to become who he needs to be. In Paris he begins training to become a professional, and this is where he meets a lifelong rival and friend. Timothée Valère Iver. The two boys are both the opposite and same poles of a magnet. At times attracting and at others repulsing one another. And it made for a very fruitful training environment, especially for Saint. Not only that, for the Thai demigod it was also a social experience and a relationship that eventually opens his eyes to more. Nothing is meant to last though and at 14 he is sat in a plane again with a suitcase, moved across the globe to Seoul this time to train with a new coach. Through his years he perfects his English and learns relatively well French and Korean, good enough to get him through most conversations. Most of all of course, he soars as a talent in the world of figure skating, dominating the field of youth competitions alongside Timothée. But it has a shadow side as between the two, one of them shines just that bit more. And it’s aggravating, to know how hard he works and seeing his rival take the majority of first places. However, Saint is determined to overcome him and to be the pride of their family his parents wish for. Or so he thinks they do. Countless days and nights are spent training to the point coaches, fellow athletes and friends try to stop him before he overworks himself. The blisters on his feet are endless but he skates through them and when he makes a mistake and falls or creates a wound on his legs or hands on accident he covers it with bandages and continues on as if nothing had happened. He suffers injuries because of it and from simply being unlucky at times, yet pulls himself out of them quickly. But it all doesn’t matter, because his rival remains to be above him. He makes it look so easy, something he could never achieve. At times the injuries and fatigue lead him to ‘bomb’ a competition in his own eyes, having to be satisfied with a 3rd or even 5th place. Unthinkable in his head, and his phone calls with his father every other week do not help. Everytime he asks about a competition and Saint has to tell him he didn’t come in first a piece of him turns black and rotten. He just wants to make them proud, but until he can win those competitions he can’t. Time distances him from them, unable to open up to his parents. To not even mention his inability to manifest wings like his father and half-brother are able to. Eventually, down a spiral of greed for success in his sport and auto-aggression focused on his high demands on himself he is urged by a manager to take the offer for a magazine shoot and interview. He does it and finds it’s addicting. Having people fuss over him, giving him whatever he wants and not even minding when he’s being arrogant, not to mention the responses on it afterwards when it is published. And slowly but surely he begins taking more and more of these jobs where he can fit it in his schedule, even appearing on entertainment shows. Despite the fact he still never misses a single day of training, those surrounding him see his arrogance grow more outward. Where it had been a driving force when it had been inward, it was now becoming something bigger that others had to deal with as well. Yet with his natural charisma and glorified attitude as the hard-worker they’re willing to accept it of him. That is until his mother calls, having heard and seen her sons changes. His caretaker still reported all his daily activities to her and tells her he’s worried he will be overdoing himself to the point of fainting or worse. She thinks the same and that it’s a distraction as she worries he has given up. And maybe a part of him had. She pulls him back and with another call to his father the young man is sent off once more in his existence, this time to live a more reclused life on Mount Phoenix. The only reason he complies is because it’s his parents, and because his rival just so happens to be training there too. He will be the best.

PANTHEON: Egyptian CHILD OF: Horus POWERS: Ability to manifest falcon wings and fly with them for short periods of time though it drains his energy rapidly and he hasn’t been able to do it yet, limited manipulation of air such as the ability to create small gusts of wind (also still developing), naturally charismatic as a leader STRENGTHS: Incredibly hard-worker who rarely gives up, focused learner, funny and good at socializing (when he wants to socialize), open-minded to people and opportunities WEAKNESSES: Perfectionism leading to overworking and being highly demanding of himself and his environment, being too strict on himself, arrogance and occasional self-pity, tunnel vision when he is too focused

[gothsic]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO. in his own head maybe

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. lol what fandom does jo have a fandom here???

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ???

Are they underrated?  YES / NO. / IDK. jo thinks he’s underrated does that count??

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — Jo is the master of his own story so yeah. I’m following my own canon and whatever I come up with to a T ( unless some good suggestions in writer’s workshops or even here come up! ). He is the main character of my limited series pilot that I hope to write soon called The Insomnia Trap.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Jonathan has many sides to him. The child of mixed Latinx parents and the youngest of three kids, he has had a relatively normal life ( save for early childhood, when he killed his mother by “accident” - should’ve mentioned that! ) and his very long goth phase in middle/high school, but always deemed himself to be on the outskirts of society. Because he was aware from a young age that he was simultaneously unwanted and unplanned, Jonathan came out of his upbringing with the idea that he never should have existed. This planted in him a very nihilistic, misandrist, and generally flippant view of the world despite pursuing his dream to work in comics and cartoons. Though he was hungry for recognition and dreamed of a world not on Earth, he often found himself to be a ghost wandering the streets of town, looking in on the people having fun in their homes without understanding why they were happy. His insomnia developed when he in his teens, though he still had trouble sleeping as a child after seeing his mother’s mangled corpse at the bottom of the stairs - his doing, of course. Whether he lives with the guilt or not is up to you to decide; it’s my personal feeling that there is a part of him, the human part of him, that feels horrible about what he did. He feels monstrous for it, in fact. This is part of the reason why, if he gets extremely close to someone, he warns them that he’s not a good person; the shred of good left in him. But he also feels his “metamorphosis” into the nihilist that he is today was inevitable, given that he was never supposed to exist in the first place. It should be mentioned, of course, that this nasty cocktail of things has not only stressed his insomnia, but he eventually was pushed into going to a sleep clinic to get to the bottom of his problems once and for all. He only encountered an extremely traumatic lucid dream that forced him to confront his past head-on. He was unable to save his rotting humanity ( D., a small girl that looked like his character Deirdre ), and was eaten alive by The Other, a creature that looked like a younger version of himself and eventually absorbed him into itself. He awoke, now in what can only be described as a constant lucid dream in waking life. He encounters monsters and hallucinations from his dreamspace frequently, and will sometimes see D.’s forest crop up in his backyard. To this day, he still believes D. is alive and well - and, of course, that the object of his obsession, the one person who ever understood him in his point of view, Annie Kaye, is going to one day return to him as he’s always dreamed. Sadly, she could want nothing less to do with his sorry ass.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —   Around the time that The Insomnia Trap was simply going to be a screenplay, I workshopped it every few weeks in my senior Screenwriting class in undergraduate school. The overwhelming response I got was that Jonathan was abhorrent, creepy, and the question a lot of people had was why we were following him versus Adri, his ex girlfriend who was documenting his struggles with insomnia. My only answer to this is that is the point - you aren’t supposed to necessarily like him, I instead invite you to understand why he does the things he does. I’m asking you to do something you don’t like, something that makes you uncomfortable, maybe. I don’t believe entertainment in any capacity should be forced to be all about how “great” a person someone is. He’s a horrible person you can observe at a safe distance, and pick apart - a real puzzle who has his nasty qualities and his strangely good qualities mixed into one. I’m not asking you to forgive him, either. I’m asking you to see him for what he is and judge him for yourself. Jonathan is a gigantic mess of things - he’s deeply traumatized, but has chosen to live a life where he’s given in to his narcissism and self-importance, and he’s deeply hurt many people in his life - the most obvious being Annie, whom he feels he “deserves” after suffering so much in his life ( sure... ). He is in many ways a deeply unlikable character, and I wrote him keeping this in mind. That said, he has his better qualities, though they’re few and far between, that I think can keep him human in the eyes of the audience ( his love of animals, guilt towards his mother’s death, his intense self hatred, his genuine love for his nieces and nephews and for children in general, etc. ). Since he’s the protagonist of The Insomnia Trap, I can only hope that he is a complex and interesting enough character to follow for audiences if/when the limited series gets picked up!

What inspired you to rp your muse?  — Jonathan is based off of a very long personal experience I had, and I’ve always been fascinated by intense psychological horror. The two things came together, at first, when I was 12 and simply evolved from there. Originally, the project was going to be an animated flash movie that was divided into parts - but that of course never happened, I was too young and too impatient to ever do that. Over time, I ended up focusing Jonathan’s character, and he first appeared in high school - sophomore year, actually, in a different context. He’s been in development for a very long time, in other words, and I grew fascinated with a variety of different concepts over the years that got incorporated into his story ( doppelgangers, lucid dreaming, revenge, obsession, tragic protagonists, etc. )! He is one of the most intimate characters I’ve ever created, and I love him to death.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  Music is a big one, there are specific songs I want to get the rights to use in the project if it ever gets made, and that really helps keep me focused on this blog and develop Jonathan further. Also, threading with my fellow muns and seeing how Jo evolves over time. What’s he capable of? Can he change? Is he capable of change, or is he afraid of it? These are questions that are asked with each character he interacts with, and I sincerely live for it. Also, drawing helps me out a lot too - maybe you’ll see The Insomnia Trap in webcomic form soon... just a thought!

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / no idea honestly lmao

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / depends!

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES - I also draw them! / NO, I HATE DRABBLES.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES! / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO / sorta

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / though i can handle critique, film school definitely hardens you to that!

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  I do. I’ve been explicitly told Jonathan is disgusting and totally unlikable by people to my face, and I have made leaps and strides to prevent my portrayal from going completely in the “this person is deplorable” category that was tempting to head towards. It’s easy to explore someone’s bad side rather than explore their good side, which I can forget about with him. That said, critique really does help me develop my writing further, and I desperately need it even if it can be hard to hear sometimes!

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  I love questions. If people ask me questions, I do my best to answer no matter what they may be. They can be challenging sometimes, but that’s what makes it so fun!

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  Sure, I’m happy to hear what people have to say. I may not agree with it, but hearing different perspectives is so important in my point of view.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  As well as I could. It can be frustrating, but everyone’s tastes are different, so I don’t really take it personally and move on. I’m really here to do what I want to do in the end, as the rest of us are, so I try to prioritize that over any negative feelings I might have.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  Again, I just let it be. I’m used to people not really understanding Jonathan or not caring for him while understanding him, and that’s fine! Everyone has their preferences for what they like in leading characters or just characters in general. He is a triggering character with very triggering themes, and I’m writing him from a very prolonged experience I had ( and it’s very cathartic ) so I can understand why people may not want to engage with him or with me. I’m perfectly fine with it and invite people to put themselves first, and I move on like I mentioned in the above question.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  Yes! Please go for it. I literally do not proof my replies before I post them half the time so feel free to let me know if I misuse words or put commas/colons/semicolons or whatever out of place.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   — I think so! I try to be open and inviting to everyone I speak to here, and always encourage people to come talk to me if they’d like to. No pressure though! Roleplay is for fun, and it shouldn’t be anxiety inducing or any kind of work - do things at your own pace here, that’s what I say ( though I’m trying to follow my own advice! ).

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  @forseenclade !!. thank you flower... luv Tagging: whomstever wants to !! feel free to tag me so i can see !!

[briannanags]

You eventually start to thank the traumas from your past, because now look at you.

Growing.

Blossoming.

Learning.

Creating.

Fall in love with:

• Life

• Today

• Yourself

And baby, I know it’s overwhelming but you made it through that, you’re alive and now you’re able to fully appreciate:

• Unconditional love

• Happiness

• People

• Places

You aren’t your past. It doesn’t have to be a “thing” you use to label yourself to “make sense to others”. You aren’t labels. You aren’t meant to be placed into categorized boxes.

You are love, endless amounts. You are light. You’re a warm cup of coffee on the coldest mornings. You’re a hug when the world is too heavy. You’re a splash of rain on the flowers that lived through the drought. You’re strength, unlimited amounts.

You’re a survivor, it’s time to realize that, you aren’t playing the victim. That those things that happened to you, aren’t okay, they aren’t normal, and that your way of dealing and healing is perfect, as long as it’s healthy for YOU. Nobody else matters. But always keep your compassion. Keep your laughter. Continue to discover pieces of yourself, and how to create something beautiful out of this crazy life.

You didn’t deserve the have those words nailed into your head, like the alphabet song..

You didn’t deserve to have your partners be unfaithful to you, to make you question yourself the way you have, it’s their loss anyway

You didn’t deserve the alcoholic parent who you can’t stand and can’t live without. Who constantly has you torn between moving forward and standing still. This is your journey, and sometimes you’ll have to travel a paths alone. If their love is genuine. It’ll always be there.

Grow baby, grow! You’re doing so good. I’m proud of you. 6 months ago you were about to end it all, you didn’t see the beauty in life anymore, your sunshine was clouded and it wasn’t your fault, baby. Those demons were struggling themself, you wanted to help, you wanted to be there. You wanted to love and be loved. I never want you to regret being soft. I never want you to be embarrassed about how your mind works, it can be cruel, dark, heart aching and depressed. But please remember, that 16 year old girl who never thought she’d see 21...

Remember her. Choose her. Pick her. Worship her. Love her. Comfort her.

Because you made it, and no one can take that away from you. They tried to take away your light but your worth and happiness, your dreams and wanted adventures are waiting for you. You’ve made it this far, you’re better than you used to be. And if no one else tells you, read this again, say this, “I never thought I’d see today, I’m thankful, I’m continuing this journey one breath, one tear, one bump or bruise at a time.

You wanted to give up and I’m so happy you didn’t. Because you’ve become a big puzzle piece in so many peoples lives. You’ve seen natural beauty, you’ve smelt the freshest, crispest air, you’ve laughed till your stomach hurt, and spent countless hours gabbing about your progress and the journey your closest friends and family are going through. They need you, just like you needed them.

On your worst days when waking up is unbearable, remember:

• Someone, somewhere, woke up today with you in mind. You were their will to live today, now make it memorable, because yesterday you didn’t want to see this day. But now, you’re here, and you’re in control, it’s time to take yourself back. Claim your heart. Claim your body. Make it everything you can, even if it’s one piece at a time.

A masterpiece isn’t completed in one day. Look at I-95 for example.

Stop asking why you aren’t them, you aren’t them because someone needed to be you, you: someone who others admire, look up to, adore and appreciate, don’t let those negative words make you forget that. People are busy, we’re all living hectic lives, finding our purpose. They do care but they may be busy, don’t overthink. Stop waiting on answers you’re never going to get because whatever it is that’s left you questioning wasn’t meant for you to begin with. Stop being so hard on yourself, this life is hard already, be gentle. Be patient

• No matter how bad you get, please don’t question your worth...don’t question your existence...don’t question your loyalty...don’t question your purpose...don’t, give, up, yet...there’s so much more to see. More songs to hear. Mores laughs to have.

You’re 23 now, you are the only one who is going to save you. So please, when you’re feeling down, feeling alone, abandoned, unlovable, useless, worthless, unintelligent just remember you have the power to change. You’re still evolving. You have years and years of lessons ahead of you. Deep breaths. Clench the wrist cuffs of your sweatshirt, curl up in a ball, drown out the world, breaking down is okay. Things need to break, in order for new things to take their place.

And finally, say this out loud, “I love you. I’m proud of you. I can’t wait to see where we’ll go next. The world is ours to grasp, to wander through as best as we can. Live this life to the fullest for those who didn’t get a chance to stop, and enjoy the view. It will be okay. Maybe not today, but I will not give up on myself. On this body and soul that make me who I am:

• Irreplaceable

• Creative

• Compassionate

• Empathetic

• Funny!

• Adventurous

• A Survivor

I love you. I love me. I will not give up on this journey, on this life given just to me to explore. I love the fresh air. I love the warm throws on the bed. I love my caramel iced coffee. I love this experience, ups and downs, roller coasters were always your favorite.

Finally, please babe, do not let the outside world and people make you cold.

You know how hard it is to carry around the “cold” of darkness, sadness, frustration and disappointment...the small things matter, your smile today could lighten someone’s load.

You love to help others, so help yourself, that way you can be the best and boldest version of you. Once you find that place of contentment, you’ll be able to pass these lessons to others.

But if you gave up today, if you threw it all away, you’d leave before so many unspoken lessons who could help save someone else...be a light, lead them home.

XO,

Brianna

PS , don’t change your outfit again, you’ll be beaming in anything you wear with that infectious smile of yours. Wipe those tears, these feelings are a part of healing, of coming to terms, accepting and releasing. This is where you need to be. I promise babygirl, you’re doing just fine. You’re doing okay.

[itsclydebitches]

This may be a serious question, but do you think it's possible to truly be 100% ethical living in a first world country? Tons of chocolate and bananas are made using slaves and child labor. Who knows how many devices we use daily use conflict minerals. Media gets our attention to these issues (like Amazon fires), but most can't do anything and still go about our lives as normal. Should we feel guilty or just be happy we weren't born in those poor circumstances?

This ask made me immediately think of The Good Place’s (SPOILERS) latest thesis, namely that truly ethical living is impossible when you’re just one small cog in the machine. A man buys flowers for his mom. What a nice gesture! Surely that has earned him Good Person points. Except that the flowers were harvested by slave labor, transported by corrupt corporations, doused in chemicals to preserve them… the good behind giving the flowers as a gift doesn’t come close to outweighing—or even equaling—the bad ripple-effect produced by buying the flowers in the first place. 

This is, sadly, the world we live in so no, I don’t think it’s possible to live a life where every choice you make has nothing but good effects attached to it. The ripples are too complex and, for the most part, too hidden. As you say, anon, we still need to live our lives. If you become so caught up in doing everything “perfectly” then you’ll end up paralyzed because I personally don’t think that perfection exists. Everything from buying a food to watching a show has the potential (and even the likelihood) to hurt someone else some way down the line, and often you don’t even realize it. 

Two things to keep in mind though: 1. The blame for certain world problems does not rest equally on every individual and 2. We should still combat ignorance because that can help in the long run. 

An example for point #1: the recent ‘ban plastic straws’ movement. We’re hardwired with a need for action, to feel like we’re doing something to fix a perceived problem, but sometimes that leads to us getting caught up in a “solution” because it’s easy and straight-forward, not because it actually makes a difference. That’s what we have here. Individual people using straws in their drinks are not the cause of our plastic problem; huge corporations producing and dumping unimaginable amounts of non-biodegradable plastics are. Will getting everyone to stop using straws help? Sure, but it’s the kind of help equivalent to a person getting water out of a sinking boat by using a spoon. The person on the other end using a galleon bucket to dump water back into the boat is the real problem and the spoon guy’s efforts are next to useless while bucket guy continues on as he is. Major changes need to be made on his end, not spoon guy’s. 

Just as important, banning straws has a huge repercussion: many disabled people need plastic straws in order to drink easily and safely. Banning them has a very large, negative impact on our community and a very small, positive impact on the problem we’re trying to fix. The danger of such “solutions” is that they’re not real solutions at all, but they feel like one. Doing something like banning plastic straws puts people and corporations into the position of going, “Yay! I did my part. Guess I’m done now” and wiping their hands of the situation, when in reality little—if anything—has been solved and they’ve actually created a new problem for a minority group. So when we think about such ripple effects we need to keep in mind that while individual changes may help to a certain degree and while they certainly make us feel better… they’re not the root problem. We can’t go blaming people for eating a banana when their lack of a purchase—I’m boycotting bananas. Look at the difference I’ve made—isn’t going to change the underlying system. Boycotting can certainly work for some things, but not all. And even if you do boycott—I’m going to eat apples instead of bananas—you’ll probably find that you’re now supporting another problem entirely. Oh. I’ve avoided the child labor but now I just supported a corporation that still treats its employees like shit. Apples aren’t safe either. Few (if any) things are. 

So what in the world do we do?? Point #2: which is where your documentary example comes in, anon. No, watching that probably won’t lead to direct action from you, but by educating yourself you’re setting up your own, more positive ripple effect. Maybe I watch a documentary about a Problem I didn’t know was a Problem before. But now I do. So I tell my friends about it. They watch too. I assign it in a class. I post to my followers. Everyone else is doing the same, spreading information where before there was ignorance. Now yes, most people are going to go on with their lives, making no true changes thanks to the documentary, but they passed the information on, setting up the possibility that a few—a minuscule, but very significant few out of the whole—might be in a position to make a difference. The millionaire who decides to donate. The scientist who thinks, “Hey, I could invent a Thing to help deal with that Problem.” Perhaps more importantly, spreading information helps the decision making process, which in turn impacts the shape of those who can make true change: the government. I, personally, may not be able to do much to solve the Problem, but by watching the documentary I’m now a) informed that it IS a problem and b) have some sense of how structures need to change in order to combat it. A year later I’m researching candidates and encounter one in support of fixing this issue. So I vote for them. And (hopefully) the thousands of other people who saw the documentary—as well as the thousands of other pieces of media we share and comment on—will vote for them too. The information keeps spreading, the information is passed down to kids… change takes time, but it needs to start with something as simple as, “Hey. How about you watch this thing that contains a perspective you never considered before?” To dumb down a very complex example: we can’t solve climate change so long as this many people, particularly people in power, believe that climate change doesn’t even exist. 

Ultimately it comes down to a balancing act: determining what good you want to do while acknowledging that, yes, something else bad will probably happen along the way. Maybe someone wants to support a film because it has a trans director, but the trade-off is supporting a corporation you detest. Maybe someone wants to switch to soy for health and environmental reasons, but the trade-off is hurting the farmers that depend on milk sales. Maybe someone makes an ignorant choice, like boycotting honey because they believe it hurts the bees, so education has to come into play. No, it doesn’t hurt them and beekeepers are now necessary to the health of the colonies, which in turn effects bee numbers, which effects pollination, which impacts literally all the flora and fauna around us. Everything is interconnected. All you can really do is be vocal, combat ignorance, vote for/demand change at the structural level, and try to choose day-to-day changes that do more good than harm. Maybe you’re a small store owner who says nah, we’re going to keep our straws because you’re donating to organizations working to help corporations establish better recyclable materials. And you’re passing on this education wherever you can. And you’re being vocal as a consumer about what changes you want to see. And, and, and. You’re still living your life with all those downsides—buying the chocolate, eating the banana, watching that Bad movie—but you have to. That’s life. Other choices though? Times when there are choices? You can work to make a difference there. 

[bentonluna]

10 Steps to Attract the Life You Want

By Heather Mathews Author of Manifestation Miracle

“What you seek is seeking you.” - Rumi If I told you that you could create the exact type of circumstances you want, would you call me crazy? What if your very thoughts could create ripples of change that not only impact your life… …but those around you as well? Philip, a call center worker from the Philippines certainly didn't think so. He dreamed of moving overseas so he could secure a better life and provide for his family. But at every turn, his own mind shut down every opportunity he thought of. For instance, Philip considered seeing an immigration consultant, but he either “didn't have the time” or “couldn't afford it”. So, he resented his situation and cursed himself (and the world) for his “bad luck”. He didn't realize that the real culprit was his mindset - not his circumstances. And it seemed like the more he ruminated, the more bad things happened. Thus, he kept feeding the cycle of being stuck in a rut and feeling bad, trapping him even more. That was, until his aunt Sara introduced him to the Law of Attraction. Turning the tide Before she moved to California, Sara had been close with Philip and treated him like a son. She had her own share of struggles finding greener pastures abroad, but she applied the principles from the Law of Attraction to overcome them. So she sent a few books on the topic to Philip through Amazon so he could gain the clarity to turn his life around. Click Here To Discover the Lazy Person's Secret To Get Everything You've Ever Wished For  At first, Philip didn't really think much of it, but he decided to read through the books since his aunt went through the trouble of sending it over. After he started applying the lessons he learned from the material, things started to change for him. It came as a complete shock to Philip - he never thought in a million years that making a simple shift in his thinking could have such a direct and POWERFUL impact in his life. And soon enough, the fog of negativity and despair around Philip lifted and he found a way to make his dreams happen. Through his persistence, he was eventually able to borrow the money he needed for the consultation fees, and learned the step-by-step process to get work overseas. Philip was finally able to find a fulfilling and rewarding career in Australia. Not only does he get to support his family back home, he also made friends and enjoys his new life abroad. Just a few months ago, Philip's parents started their own business, thanks to his help. At the rate they're going, his family could save enough so they can pass on their business to another relative and follow Philip to Australia. ould wait for Philip to take the offer so they can move there instead. Whatever option Philip chooses, the possibilities for him are almost limitless. But he's just one of thousands who made the Law of Attraction to work for him. Like Philip, a lot of people are initially discouraged to try because they think it takes a lot of work. But the reality is that it's surprisingly easy to get started. You just need to follow these 10 Super Simple Steps to Attract Everything You've Ever Wanted: Step #1: A little gratitude goes a long way The first thing you should learn about the Law of Attraction is that it operates on energy. YOUR energy, to be exact. Everyone has a different kind of energy they bring into the world, and it affects them in ways they often don't see or appreciate. The secret lies in the FREQUENCY of a person's energy - and you need to raise yours in order to change your life. Think of your unique energy as a sort of gas that fills the space of your reality. Whatever “gas” or “energy” you pump out into your immediate space will define your existence. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, said this in his book, “Man's Search for Meaning”: “To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative.” So if you want to invite great things into your life, you need to set the stage first. And you can do that by leading with the right energy. That's why being grateful and appreciating what you have is powerful way to re calibrate your frequency. Most folks hold off on feeling this way for AFTER they get what they want. But that's putting the cart before the horse, as the saying goes. When you LEAD with gratitude, it will act as the precedent for everything good that follows. Click Here To Discover the Lazy Person's Secret To Get Everything You've Ever Wished For  What I like to do is start of my day by making a list of things that I'm grateful for. If I miss anything, I save it for later and update my list at the end of my day. And when I go over my list during the weekend, I'll see exactly how much good stuff I've accumulated. This creates a kind of snowball effect and helps me attract even MORE good stuff down the road. Step #2: Be generous This can be a challenge for some people if they feel like there isn't enough to go around. But if you take the initiative to SHARE whatever you can without asking anything in return… … you'll generate the kind of energy that attracts prosperity for everyone… …including YOU. Again, this is the Law of Attraction at work. Try offering your time, talents and material wealth to those who need it - you'll soon invite blessings without even trying. Step #3: Visualize your future What I find amazing about kids is how powerful their imaginations are. When they role-play with other children, you can see in their eyes how REAL their games are to them. This is something that's lost on grown-ups, and it's important to recapture that ability to envision the kind of reality you want. The Universe likes to play games with us- the better you are at visualizing, the more you'll be rewarded. Like I said, a certain type of energy attracts a certain kind of reality. So if you focus your energy and thoughts on that dream job you want or the car you've always wanted to drive, you'll raise your frequency to ATTRACT those exact things. Step #4: Let the negativity pass When the bad times roll in and you feel like dirt, sometimes it's better to step aside and let it run its course. Having negative thoughts and emotions are totally normal, but you don't always have to wrestle with them. You can simply acknowledge what's going on in your inner world - then CHOOSE to keep moving forward anyway. Let this negative energy pass through your system like bad case of gas. The sooner you let it do its thing, the quicker you can get back to what you were doing. (Sorry for the fart analogy, but it get the point across, doesn't it?) Step #5: Never stop growing It's good to have a daily routine in your life, but not at the expense of your personal development. Most people are so set in their ways that they're afraid of the thought of doing something new. Then they complain about their humdrum lives, or that some folks “have all the luck.” Breaking out of your comfort zone is never an easy thing, but it's a step worth taking. No matter how loaded your schedule is, find some chunks of time to do things that will help you grow. Whether it's taking an online course, joining a community, or taking up a hobby, this is a powerful way to attract new and exciting things in your life. Step #6: Avoid the “toxic” crowd There are people who seem hell-bent on pulling others into their world of misery. Whether they're trying to lessen their own pain or simply enjoy doing it, you need to steer clear of them. Instead, choose people who will have the opposite effect on your psyche. Not only does a person's energy attract circumstances, it's also CONTAGIOUS. So make sure you hang out with the people who'll inspire you to achieve greater things - and not bring you down with apathy or inaction. Click Here To Learn How to Force the Universe to Manifest Your Dream Life  Step #7: Give yourself permission to succeed Most of the world's most brilliant people were put down in some way. Somewhere along the way, someone told them they'd “never make it” or were “destined to fail.” In your own life, certain people have tried to discourage you in some way. They might have tried putting you down when you were growing up - or it could have been last week. It doesn't matter. What's important is that you understand that NO ONE can put labels on you. And more importantly, they can NEVER give you permission to achieve what you want in life. You need to do that for yourself. Don't let their words define your “story”. You don't have to fit whatever petty narrative they're trying to force on you. Step #8: Affirm who you are Instead of feeding into the lies that people tell you, let this be the day to start living your truth. Create statements that embody the truth you choose to be, AND to live in. People do this all the time. When Elon Musk tried to launch the world's first privately owned rocket and failed, he told himself, “I'm going to try again, and I WILL get that thing into orbit.” (Well, maybe not exactly like that, but you get the point.) And so his company SpaceX went back to the drawing board and got it right after the third attempt. Elon affirmed his truth and it manifested into reality. In the same way, you can choose to affirm whatever truth applies to you. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge the things that TRULY matter to you. You know it, and the Universe knows it. The key is to repeat it yourself every day. For example, if you know deep in your heart that you want to make a better life for yourself, you can say something like this: “I may be struggling right now, but I know deep inside that I have what it takes to improve my life. I see myself transforming into a happier, wealthier person who makes other people's lives brighter.” When you operate from even the tiniest shred of truth, you can grow that into a powerful force over time. Step #9: Fail spectacularly Here's something most people don't know about the Law of Attraction: before you can enjoy success and find true happiness, you need to crash and burn. It's better to go after what you want and risking failure rather than playing it safe and not trying at all. To create order in your life, you'll have to embrace the chaos that comes before it. This is where you'll find the real lessons, even if they hurt a little. (Or in some cases, a LOT). Think of yourself as the beautiful Phoenix, like in the legends. Imagine burning off bits and pieces of yourself that you don't need. As you rise from the ashes, you're reborn into a NEW YOU. That's evolution. It may be an imperfect and unpleasant process, but the results are worth it. Step #10: Remove your BIGGEST barrier to success People don't realize that their greatest roadblock is none other than their own mindset. They may say they want something to happen, but don't REALLY mean it. For instance, someone might want to lose weight, but they don't want it bad enough. Worse, they might not actually believe they can shed those pounds. A part of them refuses to acknowledge the faintest possibility of it happening. This is pretty much why people NEVER attract the things they want in life. In order to remove this barrier, you'll need to change something inside you. You need to dig deep and understand WHY you don't want it as much as you say you do. Are you scared of suffering through the process of getting what you want? This is what turns most people off - they simply can't process the discomfort involved with growing up. At the same time, you need to deal with the reasons why you think that your desired reality is impossible. It could be some deep-seated beliefs brought about by past events, or experiences growing up. Once you sort this out, you'll be free to do what you want without any pre-programmed beliefs holding you back. Now, these ten steps we just talked about will get your foot in the door. Once you start doing them regularly, you'll experience remarkable breakthroughs you didn't think were possible. But if you want to witness even MORE changes on a massive (or even cosmic) scale, you need to check out my FULL course called Manifestation Miracle. Like the name suggests, I enjoyed nothing short of a life-changing revolution not too long ago. In a lot of ways, my situation was the same as Philip's. I worked myself to the bone and felt unfulfilled. I was trapped in my soul-crushing career. Even though I needed the money, I HATED having to put up a hollow appearance of a happy, successful businesswoman. But then I discovered how turn my mind into a magnet for prosperity and abundance… Learn how I unlocked the secret to ATTRACTING anything AND everything I wanted - CLICK HERE to watch the video now…

[hauntedebayfinds]

Haunted Dragon Spirit Of Protection And Prosperity - $65.00

Haunted dragon spirit ring of protection and prosperity.

And once there lived dragons.. you can find ancient and reliable reference of dragons from all over the world., there was a time they lived amongst humans in physical form. Though, they became domesticated too loyal and dependent upon humans, and as humans usually do, we took advantage and began to use them in battle to fight against one another.

The gods did not look at these actions kindly. In scientific time our god intervened often, to protect their creation. When they felt dragons was causing humans too much harm they banished them to another realm to live in only spirit form.

Dragons are a mildly easy sport to work with, much more so than djinn though more difficult than fae. They once lived almost humans and were domesticated by us so there is already a familiarity there.

They are fiercely loyal and protective. When you hear a reference to there are no bad pit bulls just bad owners. It could reference spirit dragons also, they will bite in order to protect you. They also, bring prosperity by setting up and guiding you to opportunity. Allowing you to view things in a different perspective. Always on the lookout to enhance your life in order for you to stay on the course of your chosen destiny and reach your ultimate goals.

You’ll feel this warmth and self worth in the prescience of a dragon spirit, you’ll have a friend that walks beside you so you’ll never feel alone which intimately grants you a self confidence, you’ve never had before.

Take control of your own destiny. The time has come. And I will be with you every step of the way with personal guidance. You’ll can reach me by phone, message or video chat to walk you through your purchase

To many time I’ve seen those who are desperate for understanding of how these items work in helping them gain a better existence in this world . Though, once they take the leap into purchasing that vessel are left on their own to figure out how to use them properly. And when they fail they either continue to buy more vessels unsuccessfully or give up on the spiritual realm permanently. Intuition brought you here today to seek answers. Let’s explore the reasons behind you seeking spiritual guidance and what potential you may unlock.

My guarantee. because I know how intimidating working with these spirits and creatures can be. I stand by my craft and make it my mission to work with each individual in harnessing their powers in order to reach their ultimate destiny. You can reach me by phone, text, email or video chat to ensure that you succeed in reaching your goals, along with access to a mass majority of literature along with my own writing of long hidden secrets of the universe.

Now let me introduce myself, I have myself the name “serenity”when I became high priestess to my coven. As we are allowed to do so, as a symbolic to rebirth or dedication to our spiritual journey.

I know Most metaphysical dealers like to say they were born into the most powerful witch coven of all time or in a cave in Egypt . My story is not as romanticized or fictitious.

I was born into a wonderful middle class family in the suburbs. Though I was born with elevated intuition and a stronger connection to spirituality and also a heightened awareness of my surroundings and could sense things before they happen. I felt a general connection to the spiritual realm. Which was frightening as a child when they came in the form of night terrors or visions.

I also had a understanding of herbal and alternative medicine.I often refused modern conventional medicine as a child instead seeking out folk remedies and such.

I was often visited by spirits as a child both human and metaphysical, each with their own lesson to teach me.

As a young child, I sought to be normal so I ran from these things, though by time I was eighteen I Could no longer hide, it was my path so I began to follow it slowly. So I sought out knowledge from others like me, I entered into a coven than metaphysical school, I honed my craft, and when I took control it no longer frightened me like it once had when I was a child.

What makes me so special to be granted all these gifts? One thing RH- blood type.

Rh negative blood negative for the Rhesus Monkey factor. We did not evolve in the same manner as positive blood individuals. Only 15% of humans have a negative blood type so it’s very rare, I am one of these people.

The gods of the universe created life in planets for one purpose to conduct negative energy ti work against the gods positive energy. Scientist speak about the Big Bang theory like it was one event. In reality that is what the universe was like for eons. The gods moods and emotions caused complete chaos and destruction that they had to come up with a plan before everything was destroyed.

They failed and had to start over many times until they desired to make an intelligent life form in their image. So evolution made man they gave off quite a bit of negative energy but still not enough to hold everything in place. So the god breed with primitive beings and created a new hybrid of human. This human has Rh negative (alien) blood.

You have to have Rh negative blood to conjure these spirits. Ask your metaphysical dealers their blood type. They will only respond and could be gifted by an Rh negative period. Not every person with rh negative blood will have these powers, you have to have live seven reincarnated lives on earth and not resist as I did as a child, if I continued to resist into adulthood I would have lost my opportunity In this lifetime.

I live very comfortably, I travel often in search of other spiritual and mystical lessons and teachers I haven’t used my powers to become a multimillionaire. I live in the states where this is a thing called IRS, and as I said I have a normal family who keep me grounded. My ultimate goal was to open my own metaphysical learning center all around the world to share my knowledge and gifts. I was against selling metaphysical vessels on the internet such powerful items I. The wrong hands could lead to disaster, so I focused my attention more toward education though ehh the confusion and terror that came with this virus brought me to the internet where I can reach many people as once. I’ll try my hand at being both dealer and educator. Offering the vessel and the guidance to use it for your full advantage

[valuentumbrian]

Why The Stock Market Can Go Substantially Higher

Image: Why are stock prices increasing while the near-term economy and near-term earnings outlook isn't as bright as before...How unlimited quantitative easing, runaway government spending, increased inflation expectations impact equity values...Why this year's earnings expectations or next year's earnings expectations don't matter much...Why Valuentum thinks equity values are rising today, even as the near-term outlook remains unclear. Scribbles on page 76 of Value Trap.

This note was published June 12 and can be found on our website here.

"I know it sounds crazy to say so during a global pandemic and during a recession, but the right multiple and the right earnings to use to value this market is an 18-20x multiple on $196 earnings, putting a fair value range on the S&P 500 today of 3,530-3,920. The S&P 500 is trading at about 3,000 today."

By Brian Nelson, CFA

We've been keeping a running feed/stream of our emails, so new members can evaluate our track record during this crisis and existing members can check in to see if they miss anything. With all the market turbulence during the past few months, we think the feed has worked well as readers can catch up on prior work as they wish.

Typically, below each title and before the text of the article, you'll find the date that a piece was written. For example in the note below this one on this feed, you'll see "This note was emailed to members June 11." Not this note silly, the one below this one in this feed here. The most recent article will always be the one in the title of the email. We think this is rather self-explanatory, but if you're scrolling quickly, you may miss the time element to this dynamic.

I say this because as the market ebbs and flows, our opinion is going to change. For example, in February, we were expecting a market crash. At the bottom in March, we thought dollar cost averaging made a lot of sense. Through yesterday from the end of April, the newsletter portfolios have been riding the strong bull market wave, something we think will continue. With that said, so where are we today?

For starters, we think we're still in the early innings of a "blow off top" scenario. The sell-off June 11 didn't have much substance to it. Not much was happening technically across the market, and while there may be a second wave of new COVID-19 infections, we know a lot more about the virus than we did in February. This is certainly not February. We're well on our way to knowing that at some point in the future, we *will* get past this thing. There is no longer any doubt in my mind, as there might have been in February/March.

The Right Multiple

Many of you use multiples in your work, and that's fine, but I want you to understand the multiple that you are using. Every multiple expands into enterprise valuation, or a discounted cash flow model. So, for example, if you say you want to use 15x or 20x P/E to value the markets, there's a DCF model (and thousands of forward-looking assumptions) that back it up--you know, one of the themes of Value Trap. Where investors get into trouble is when they start throwing multiples on the market (and companies) and don't realize it is the DCF that drives the multiple and price.

There are bears on Wall Street, for example, that are merely throwing a 15x multiple on next year's expected earnings to come up with a ridiculously low S&P 500 price target. This approach makes absolutely no sense. For starters, stock prices are based on expectations long into the future, and Fed and Treasury policy have all but created an environment where higher multiples should be applied. In the image above (at the very top of this article with red scribbles), I show what is happening to DCF models (values and prices) today as it relates to both the impact of COVID-19 and aggressive Fed/Treasury policy stimulus.

As shown by the red scribbles, the near-term composition of the value of companies is declining (COVID-19 is depressing near-term earnings), but this reduction is more than offset by expansion in the intermediate and long-term values, which are driven more by normalized expectations, not the least of which is a lower discount rate (lower interest rates) and higher inflation (pricing power, growth) driven by Fed/Treasury actions. This means that the net overall value and price of equities is actually rising during this pandemic and recession.

Prior to COVID-19, for example, a 15-16x multiple on long-run normalized earnings (not next year's or the year after that) may have made sense, but today, perhaps an 18-20x multiple on long-run normalized earnings may be most appropriate. The multiple on this year or next year's earnings should then be astronomical. Don't worry about the talking heads on TV talking about lofty multiples on this year's earnings. Multiples on this year's earnings expectations should be enormous. With that out of the way, what are normalized earnings and how should we think about them?

The Right Earnings

Let's first throw out historical earnings numbers. Markets are forward-looking. You're not investing for last decade's dividend, are you? Good. That's why markets are forward-looking because you're investing for next quarter or next year's dividend (or dividend growth in the long run). Next, we know using this year's earnings or the year's after that doesn't make much sense. Just because a company has negative earnings doesn't mean it's worthless, for example. Therefore, we know there's a time element to valuation (as well as the balance sheet, etc) that we must embrace. So if not historical and if not next year's earnings, or the year's after that, what earnings should be put on that 18-20x multiple?

You guessed it: long-run normalized earnings (not peak, not trough, but normalized). We know the U.S. has managed to prevail through just about everything that has been thrown at it, and we expect COVID-19 to be no different. We already survived a prior pandemic early last century, which was far worse than COVID-19. We also know that pre-COVID-19 2021 earnings numbers (~$196) were within reach and achievable, prior to the pandemic. It's reasonable to assume we're going to get back to those levels eventually, and as history has shown (even from the Great Recession), those pre-COVID-19 numbers might turn out to be low toward the middle of this decade, much like 2018 earnings numbers doubled from those in 2010 (see below). Therefore, on a conservative basis, we think the right normalized earnings number to use for a higher multiple is ~$196.

Image: Consensus earnings estimates for S&P 500 companies, as of February 28, 2020, prior to business shutdowns and the worst of the COVID-19 pandemic.

The Right Value for the Market

Even though we are talking in terms of price and earnings, using the P/E ratio to explain our valuation of the markets, our thoughts are soaked in DCF interpretation. For example, the DCF explains why a higher multiple is appropriate, and the DCF explains why the near term doesn't matter much, and why normalized numbers should be used in the valuation context. I know it sounds crazy to say so during a global pandemic and during a recession, but the right multiple and the right earnings to use to value this market is an 18-20x multiple on $196 earnings, putting a fair value range on the S&P 500 today of 3,530-3,920. The S&P 500 is trading at about 3,000 today.

Yesterday, we made a few portfolio tweaks, which raised some "cash" in the newsletter portfolios, and today, we're putting that "back to work." We're putting the proceeds from the removals yesterday, less the new put option "partial hedge," back into Microsoft (MSFT) and Apple (AAPL), allocating the remaining proceeds equally to both in both newsletter portfolios to go back to "fully invested" (both Microsoft and Apple will now be in both the Best Ideas Newsletter portfolio and Dividend Growth Newsletter portfolio).

Our thoughts on re-adding Apple and Microsoft to the newsletter portfolios are rather simple. Aside from our liking them on a firm-specific basis, if the economy heads south, they've shown an ability to hold up better than most. If we see interest rates lower for longer, their dividend growth potential is enormous, which is a big catalyst for income/yield seekers, and if we do see a strong economy and market, they will participate, and perhaps even lead. One can say we should have never removed them, but we now know much more about COVID-19 than we did many months ago.

We'll have the updated newsletter portfolios ready to view this weekend. We remain bullish on the markets. We remain bullish on big-cap tech, and we remain bullish on large cap growth. We're available for any questions. Have a great weekend!

This note was published June 12 and can be found on our website here.

-----

Valuentum members have access to our 16-page stock reports, Valuentum Buying Index ratings, Dividend Cushion ratios, fair value estimates and ranges, dividend reports and more. Not a member? Subscribe today. The first 14 days are free.

Brian Nelson owns shares in SPY and SCHG. Some of the other securities written about in this article may be included in Valuentum's simulated newsletter portfolios. Contact Valuentum for more information about its editorial policies.

Disclosure: I am/we are long SPY, SCHG.

Additional disclosure: Valuentum does not hold any equity positions. Brian Nelson is long SPY and SCHG. Contact us for our editorial policies.

[calleo-bricriu]

1943

(( Larger resolution pics of the cards can be found here.  ))

@absintheabsence​

Of course, of course the first thing Calleo did when Grindelwald allowed him to have his deck of cards out was shuffle the deck a few times and offer a smile that could cut glass.

That likely left little doubt as to who Calleo was going to aim the damned things at. A stupid move, for certain, but one took petty revenge where one could while being kept locked in--admittedly, a tower room was nicer than a dungeon prison cell, but a cage is a cage no matter how nicely decorated it is.

Had he been sitting across a desk from Grindelwald, he'd have simply thrown the cards to  land in front of the other Wizard. In this case, there was no such desk or table. The Emperor had stopped in the doorway when he realised Calleo had started shuffling the deck.

"Kind of you to allow me to continue as the last time I left it, you were still consistently a sword filled tower." The first card Calleo flicked at Grindelwald came to a halt angled and facing him.

"Justice. Interesting start. Considering how consistent they've been in the past where you're concerned, I highly doubt you'll be the one dealing karmic justice and laying consequences onto others in the process." Calleo shrugged lightly, curling up into the chair he'd been occupying normally.

"Even more interesting..." the second and third cards, flicked toward Grindelwald in the same manner as the first, took their respective spots. The Hierophant next to Justice, and the Two of Swords next to the Hierophant.

"It's not a Tower, not yet at any rate, but you're being driven to a stalemate when it comes to this push toward what one might consider 'traditional values' from your own. A push for conformity from people who were set in their ways long before you met them."

Calleo's head tilted in its typical bird-like fashion, "And you don't know what to do about that, do you? They're under your control--or, rather, they’re allowing you to have that illusion for the time being--but beyond it at the same time and you've let it go too long to pull them back in line without risking the whole tapestry unraveling--so you're going to right on denying that such a rift could possibly exist, let alone that it's quickly moving toward at point in which you'll be caught right in the middle."

"Divided loyalties, torn between two relationships, the need to face your fears and the truth that goes along with it and a complete inability to do either."

Calleo's hand rested on the top card of the deck, "You could end it now or you could keep pushing forward." The glint that had been present in Calleo's smile, now fully lit his eyes.

"We'll go with the rational path first; the one where you realise this has all got way out of hand and you put an end to it." The card that ended up flung off to the lower left of Justice came up the Ace of Pentacles, followed by the Page of Cups and the Five of Cups.

"There, now, you see? You'll have some losses, but that's to be expected if you're putting the kibosh on a good number of your current staff's ideology and, overall, the outcome is a good one; prosperity, financial and political success, mended relationships--but you're not going to go that route, are you, Emperor?" There was an emphasis on the title that seemed...off. Not sarcastic or passive-aggressive, just...not right. "That would mean admitting fault, or that you'd made missteps, and Merlin knows that's not a thing you'd ever admit to anyone."

"More likely," three more cards were flicked in Grindelwald's direction, taking their places starting below the Two of Swords and extending out, "you're going to continue to assume that your creativity and inspiration will be enough to guide them and your assumption is that it will be successful and bring your little created 'family' back into one cohesive circle again, which it absolutely will not."

"As it begins and continues to crumble and you try to keep everything held together and appear as a united front to anyone on the outside, anyone on the inside will know better and you'll be overloaded, stressed, feeling taken for granted by those around you, and will end up picking up what others drop in an effort to keep it all from falling to pieces, which will only circle back and continue to drag you down to such a degree that you'd be willing to take any end in sight, even one--by this point--that would result in both your death and the death of your empire."

"Ah, there you are!" the last card Calleo flicked Grindelwald's way settled beneath the path Calleo thought more likely.

The Tower.

"And, as you always have in the past when this one has shown up, you'll try to take as much with you in the fall. Of course, the Tower always has an element of rebuilding around it, though most who get it can't see the forest for the trees when all they're staring in the face again is an inevitable and spectacularly destructive fall from grace."

Nobody in their right mind should or would have been as relaxed as Calleo appeared but, Calleo had been of the mindset for several years that if Grindelwand wanted to kill him he'd simply kill him, not keep him around for entertainment. And, arguably, he hadn’t been in his right mind for decades anyway.

Calleo waved a hand lazily, "Let's get rid of that branch we both know you're not about to take and see what gets rebuilt from the ruins of the Tower, shall we?"

The Ace of Pentacles, Page of Cups, and Five of Cups dutifully got out of the way and came to rest on the table next to Calleo's chair. The other cards shifted as a group to allow other cards room to build from the wreckage of the Tower.

This time, Calleo didn't stop at drawing six. As he drew cards this time, not yet showing them to Grindelwald, his expression changed from one of almost gleeful prediction of Grindelwald's downfall into confusion.

"That--hm. Apologies, you'll need to give me a moment."

This time, the cards were flicked toward the doorway in one large group of fourteen, seven on each row.

"Unexpected, but to pare it down, it looks as though you're going to rebuild yourself into something useful and stable. Eventually. Though, not on your own. The first three cards show that; regaining confidence and a sense of freedom, moving forward, personal growth--inexplicably that one also can indicate long distance romance, which makes a bit more sense when taking into account that that plus all the indicators of security, kindness, warmth, success, optimism, joy, good luck for a damn change, a renewed enthusiasm for life in general, becoming more open--all of that will come from within but will be lit by an external source."

Calleo's expression now was significantly more neutral. "And that source will be someone who is older--not necessarily older than you, just an older adult, who is stable, dependable, protective, practical, and wickedly good at business.”

“Reiterated by the King of Cups; someone who, in addition to the previous card's indications, is relatively calm, tends to be sympathetic and caring, tolerant to a fault, good at keeping things in balance, easy going, and devoted to those he's decided are worthy of that devotion.”

“And apart from the generally boring sort I just described, the Queen of Wands brings in independent, confident, chaotic, and passionate energy and who is amazing at handling a lot of tasks at once, keeping them all organised, and taking charge when necessary--and doing so without being overbearing or forceful about it.”

“They'll bring with them new ideas, new visions that stem from mental clarity and intellectual ability both of which come from everything else I just said," he squinted at the card, "Intense, focused, able to wield authority when it's needed to enforce what they feel is the correct decision, able to follow through and communicate, as well as shift focus and tactics if the original plans don't go quite to plan."

"More reiteration of the last row with the Empress,” Calleo now sounded almost bored at the cards’ repetition, “even more reiteration with Strength, though that one does give the indication that through the other apparently infinitely patient person's efforts you'll get the support you need to overcome crippling self-doubt and regain some level of inner strength, compassion, and self-control."

"Not that it'll be all that stable at the start," the Moon card illuminated itself, "you'll have a good lot of instability, anxiety, fear, misreading of whatever the situation is, and it'll all be fueled by deep seated insecurity centered around fears of being lied to or used."

Calleo shook his head and laughed while moving on to the next card, "I have absolutely no idea who could possibly have the amount of patience required to both get you to that point and past it but someone obviously does; whoever it is, it's someone you've got a lot of shared values with and who is likely a hell of a lot more like you than they'd ever care to admit but begrudgingly will as, all those other cards, give a strong indication that they'd never be able to walk away and leave you to whatever fate it is you land in that'll have left you an anxious wreck."

"Next one," the King of Wands waved his spiky club, "appears to describe--in this context anyway--a combination of personality traits of the two people already described; you know the drill: Confident, experienced, charming, easy sense of humour, largely fearless, highly motivated, passionate, dependable, protective, but can also be a little controlling or hot tempered and at a point in life in which neither of them necessarily cares if they're seen as odd."

"And nearing the end, I might normally consider this a negative as it can mean abandonment, however, in the context of the other cards, I'm inclined to think it means letting go of and walking away from the past, as tiring as that may be, the last few cards will have provided enough emotional strength and self-discovery to allow for it even if it is difficult."

"Knight of Swords seems oddly out of place," Calleo shrugged lazily and stretched while he kept speaking, "though it could simply be describing the sort of person you end up being after rebuilding what is hopefully not another tower; assertive, impatient, impulsive, daring, rebellious, ambitious, risk-taker, progressive thinking, all of that which," that knife-edged grin returned, "is how I suspect you already think of yourself now and know damn well is an illusion you've created for yourself."

“Funny thing is, that’s the same card that showed up describing you in--” Calleo blinked and caught himself, smiling politely and shaking his head, “--it’s not relevant. Yet.”

"We both know this deck has consistently described you as you are now with the Tower surrounded by the less pleasant Swords, and the fact that it’s changed to the Knight of Swords is...interesting."

"Looks as though you're going to cheerfully self-destruct, while taking as many people with you as you can manage on the way down, as this deck has consistently indicated only after this Tower hits, you'll slowly rebuild--with the assistance of someone else, it appears--into a reasonably decent person." Any of what Calleo had been saying could have been more than enough to earn him some sort of very likely very painful punishment for the blatant disrespect but, out of it all, that last statement may have easily been the one that sealed it.

[lovelyjasmari]

KH OC Week 2019 ~ Day 5

@khoc-week

Due to Kalai’s connection with Organization XIII, she holds affinity to the darkness almost by default. However, if you look deeper into her heart, you’ll find more grey than anything else. True Alixka joins in on Marluxia’s coup but only because she feels (rightfully) that Xemnas is deceiving them about the nature of Nobodies and planning to use them all for a more dubious purpose. True she is vicious and loves a good brawl but only because she is deeply insecure and refuses to let anyone see her vulnerable. But it’s that very insecurity that has created probably Kalai’s most formidable adversary of all.

Kali (known as “The Shadow” or Anti-Kalai within universe) is the shadowy remnant of Kalai’s heartless, she is essentially all of her deep negative emotions taken human form. She was born initially when her heart separated from her body but thrives from her inner darkness and is made stronger through the influence of Master Xehanort when Alixka becomes one of his vessels. The shadow continues to survive even after her second recompletion. 

She wears the same clothing Kalai wore before being attacked by the Heartless but darker and slinkier in appearance, her hair is darker and longer and her eyes gold. Normally Kali resides in Kalai’s heart and mind and only appears to her in nightmares but sometimes she will manifest outside of her true form to cause havoc to her and those around her. She also has the ability to shapeshift and will often change into forms that cause distress to her true form. Her rage has already claimed the life of one who has wronged Kalai in the past and it is her influence that pushes her in her more...destructive actions. 

She longs for Kalai to embrace her darkness once and for all in order for her to extract further vengeance on the world. But Kalai is well aware of Kali’s presence and despite her inner sorrow and despair, she refuses to let the darkness take her again. For today's prompt, I am sharing an excerpt of the fourth installment of Kalai’s story which focuses on her inner battle with Kali, and her determination to free herself from her dark past with Organization XIII.

~~~

“You’ll have to stay out here and shut down the computer if anything bad happens.” Kalai said. “It’s just a simulation but everything inside feels as real as if it were. I know Isa wouldn’t bring me back here and neither would any of the other apprentices.”

“So that’s why you dragged me from the comfort of my bed at this hour?” Lea asked. “So you could fight yourself?”

“I don’t need to explain my reasoning to you!” She snapped. “Just be prepared to shut down the computer if I need you to!”

Without another word she stepped through the center portal. With the sudden change of scenery came a sharp feeling of sickness as she recalled what this setting meant to her. 

She was now outside the Old Mansion in Twilight Town. The same place where she went on her last mission. The same place where Xion has assassinated her under the influence of Saix. But afterwards she was given a second chance at humanity. The data materialized before her but did not move for several moments. Kalai pointed her lance at her. 

“You. You represent all of my darkness. My bondage under Xehanort.” She said to the apparition. “You represent my past and all that I’m trying to erase. That horrible shadow that keeps tormenting me, it’s you.”

Alixka did not respond or even blink, as if she could not compute the idea of fighting a foe that was the spitting image of herself save for the clothing. 

“What are you waiting for?!” She snapped. “Are you afraid? Raise your weapon and fight me!”

“Beautiful isn’t she?”

Kali appeared beside Alixka, stroking her hair affectionately as she regarded Kalai with a sinister smile. 

“I’d say she’s you at your strongest. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“No! Alixka was impulsive and weak. Always picking fights she couldn’t win and getting herself into situations she couldn’t handle!”

“Maiden of Tempests, am I right? Beauty and fury, serenity and…”

“Shut up!”

“But some good did come from it, did it not? As Alixka, you met Marluxia and Larxene.”

The shadow did have a point, loath as Kalai was to admit it.  But she kept her lance pointed at the two dark images.

“Kalai.” She went on. “I know you’re afraid of me. Why I haven’t the slightest clue. But I know you understand the power of darkness, and what brings forth your own is not to be taken lightly.” 

Kali pulled away from Alixka and approached her true form slowly.

“You felt alone and unloved in the home of your stepfather, you were afraid and unsure as a Nobody and just when you felt like you had found purpose and understanding in that existence, it was torn away from you and you were alone again. But then you were given another chance at humanity, just to have it torn away from you and with it, your love for Marluxia and Larxene. From all of that, your darkness was cultivated. From all of that, I was born.”

Kalai had always made a point of not staring directly into her golden eyes, but now as she spoke, she felt that she could not help but do so. In her eyes she saw herself, she saw the deepest darkest emotions she kept hidden away in the furthest corners of her heart. Hidden away even from herself. 

To see all those feelings being revealed to her like this, it was more frightening than she could ever imagine. Kali was her, she was the version of herself she always knew was there. The darkness of her childhood closet comforting her while she cried herself to sleep. The sick rush of adrenaline as she used her volatile limit break to just narrowly escape being swallowed by a Demon Tower, nearly killing herself in the process. Her lust for control as she pressed her lips against those of Xemnas or Xehanort’s. Kali was all of those things. 

But she was still darkness, and she was now preventing her from moving forward in her life. The future was not yet decided, who said it had to be darkness? Who said that the light of the future couldn’t now be her destiny?

“Just think of how much more we could accomplish if you’d embrace the darkness.��

“What do you mean ‘we’?” The shadow scoffed at this.

“Fine. Clearly you need more convincing than I thought.” And with that, Kali passed through Alixka, awakening something in the apparition that had before that moment remained still as a statue. Her violet eyes, once blank, flashed with malice as Stormborn appeared in her hand. She giggled before lunging at Kalai. Weapons clashed, she had forgotten just how quick she was as a Nobody.

“I will banish the darkness in me!” She snapped. “Starting with you!”

Alixka only giggled again, a sinister and coquettish sound, as she blocked her attacks. From nowhere a strong gust of wind pushed Kalai back, another thing she had forgotten. She watched as the apparition crossed her arms to summon more wind so she decided to do the same. But the wind cancelled each other out, something Alixka seemed to find quite amusing. She opened her arms and summoned four silver cyclones that Kalai managed to freeze before they struck her. In response she summoned thunder that Alixka blocked before manipulating it back to her direction. 

Yeah, thunder was never really my strongest skill. At least not as a human.

Fire worked better but it soon became clear that her magic was no match for her Nobody’s and physical combat would be better, so long as she didn’t transform her spear into a staff. For a time they only slashed at each other before Alixka vanished in a cloud of silver and reappeared behind her. Kalai suppressed a small laugh. Marluxia had taught her that ability. She cast more fire before Alixka pointed her weapon at her and summoned a hailstorm, a shield of wind protected her from it though and she soon found their weapons clashing again. A violent gale pushed Kalai back. 

“Looks like our dad taught you well, Alixka.” She grinned, slashing at her once more. The apparition smirked as she created several purple vortexes with her spear that cut through the attacks. Another gale was summoned before Kalai could lunge back at her. Their eyes met for a brief moment.

“He did indeed. But just think of what more I could teach you, Kalai.” 

“HUH?!” 

Zexion’s apparition had not spoken a word and she had figured that none of the data simulations could since they were just that. Data. So to hear Alixka speak was more than a little alarming. But before she could say anything more she saw as Kali’s form exited from the apparition and leaped towards her. Her sly grin was the last thing Kalai saw before she passed through her body and her surrounding went white again. What had just happened?!

She collapsed, her mind trying to comprehend what had just happened. Kali’s laughter rang in her ears.

I will show you Kalai, I will show you just how powerful your darkness is. You will see for yourself what you are capable of. Mark my words.

“Hey, Princess! You still alive in there?!”

Awoken by Lea’s words, Kalai rushed out of the portal This may not have been the best idea after all, but at least now she understood. The darkness in her heart would not be destroyed so easily. Perhaps it was now time for some intervention from an outside source. These were her thoughts as she and Lea left The Garden of Assemblage for the last time and made their way back to the castle.

~~~

[endeavorny]

Do you have any advice for someone who is trying to have a more positive outlook but is struggling? What I’ve noticed is that I felt that is a lot more easier for me to be negative than positive. Also it seems that I'm scared of trying to look on a bright side from some reason, which is probably normal and I believe that I'm not alone with this case, but I'm still wondering if there are some efficient ways to fix this?

Seriously, this is SO common. I struggle with this myself, but looking at the “bright side” instead of drowning in worry & negativity is SO MUCH better for you, and a HUGE step in recovery & self improvement. I wish I could snap my fingers and give you a handy dandy “How to Be Okay” manual but this is an exercise that is so much harder than it seems it should be.

The reason it’s easier to assume the negative is because people with mental illness (depression, anxiety, trauma of various sorts) get conned into what my partner and I like to call Scheme of Life. Because we’ve been through so many awful things, our brain immediately goes to assuming the worst is going to happen. Simple put: to us it is more likely to face a negative outcome than a positive. 

Here’s my advise based on what I do for my own self:

Start small - Understand that turning around your thought process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or two. This is an ongoing process, a constant practice. I’d suggest selecting a thought that troubles you often. For me, it’s the thought that no matter how hard I work, things will always turn out the same (re: bad). Tackling one problematic thought pattern at a time is one easy way to get started.

Contradict yourself, Interrupt yourself, Talk OVER that voice - When the negative thoughts come up, immediately contradict yourself, interrupt what it’s telling you, just talk right over it. “I’m so useless…” should turn into, “No I’m not. I can clean a house in half an hour, I can cook scrambled eggs, I can make someone smile.” If that’s too difficult, simply insisting that the negative thoughts aren’t true is also fine.

Create a personality for that voice - If you struggle with DID or maldaptive daydreaming I would definitely skip this step, but I find it really helps me. You’ve likely seen those posts floating around tumblr that tell you to imagine your internal negative monologue is Trump or a 12 y/o smack talker playing a video game with you. Choose someone whose opinion doesn’t matter to you, even someone whose opinion you think is utterly ridiculous and stupid. Now imagine all your negative thoughts are being said to you by them. 

Talk to yourself like a friend - Cliche advise, but it really works. Think of a time a friend of someone else came to you with a problem, with their sadness and vulnerability. I’m sure you comforted them, reminded them it would be okay, soothed their worries the best you could. Start doing that for yourself!

A follow up… Question yourself! - When negative, intrusive (or otherwise) thoughts pop into your head, question them. “WHY do I feel this way? WHY do I feel like I deserve nothing but bad? Why do I feel like I’m undeserving and/or incapable of having something good?” It doesn’t make any sense to deny yourself of the good things.

Fake it til you make it - More cliche advise, and this is one practice I never took seriously until I decided F-it, I’m gonna try, why not? What’s there to lose? I tell ya– it WORKS. You’re not going to believe yourself at first, that good things can happen and are waiting for you. You’re not going to believe the world isn’t just a box of crap on your doorstep. Keep saying it anyway. Keep practicing. “Life is total garbage…” should be followed it “but maybe it isn’t” or “No it isn’t,” or even “That’s stupid and negative.” 

JOURNAL - Start keeping a weekly positive list (or daily, whatever works for you). I started listing things daily, everything good that had happened that day. Sometimes the lists were two pages long, sometimes only three lines. This helps because it gives you undeniable black and white evidence that happiness, even small bursts, find their way to you. Also it helps to put your mind in a positive frame, like how stretching  before exercise helps us avoid pulling something and hurting ourselves. 

Remember that it isn’t going to be easy, and it isn’t going to be fast. There are going to be days where you can’t summon a single positive thought. You’ll be incapable of contradicting yourself, and you’ll be miserable. THAT’S OKAY. Don’t slip into thinking you can’t ever improve, that you’re useless, that all your progress is non-existent or not enough. You’re going to need a break sometimes, and that’s 100% normal and fine. Just don’t STAY in that hopeless place. Try again the next day, just keep trying.

I’ve also got a few links to share:

Positivity, Self Improvement, Personal Growth, and Reminder all have tips and encouragement toward Positive Thinking, and I’m also going to start tagging appropriate posts+resources with “positive thinking help.”

Obviously, seeking mental health treatment (therapy, a counselor, whatever) could help largely as well (which is what I plan to be doing my own self). Laying down the brick-work and practicing positive correction can work marvels, but a therapist or otherwise could help you unbury the root of this negative habit we have. When you find the root of the trauma, it makes it much easier to heal going forward. 

Please feel free to message me at any time, anon or not, with more questions, or if you just want to talk. It’s only been this last year that I’ve really tried to switch my thought process around and it’s slow going, but I AM seeing improvement and so can you. Just practice, practice, practice. No one’s good at everything the first time they try–everything from makeup application to sewing to drawing to exercising takes practice, repetition, and patience.

[youremypride]

Wires for Veins

☆彡 You always wondered about your purpose in life and the reason to why you’re still breathing. All the knowledge you gathered about humanity and the world came from the towering piles of books your adopted mother had left you while she tends to the strangers that waltz in and out of the house, holding secret meetings in her office. She always made it clear to you that she was doing it for our safety to ensure a better life after the end of times, and I was foolish enough to believe her words, thinking she cared for me, that she even had a heart to love a machine.

Pairing: AHS! Michael Langdon x Reader

Genre: romance, robot! au

Warnings: profanities, insecurities, death of character

Note: Ms. Mead does not exist in this timeline of the story. I changed up some parts of the dialogue to make it fit to the scenario. I hope you enjoy this, I’ve never written anything so long before other than for school reports. So let me know if you want a Part 2 of this!

Word Count: 2270 words.

Even though she was my mother, never once did I call her mother. Even though we were supposed to have a mother and daughter relationship, it felt more like a master and her slave. Mothers were supposed to be loving, kind and gentle. But she treated me like stranger. Only showing her loving side when she felt lonely and needed attention from someone, or something.

I never question why she did what she did but there’s always one that lingers in my mind all day and night. What am I to her?

I only had snippets of my earlier years with her.

I remember alighting from a car, my right hand in the hold of a woman’s. Her name was Ruth, and she was my guardian back at the Cooperative headquarters. She had long black hair, tanned brown skin, and her eyes had mix matched colours, brown on the left, and green on the right. We walk down the pathway that lead to the front door of the big house in front of me. It was a brown Victorian house, there were huge flower beds surrounding the stairs of the main door. Thick black veins wrapped around the house, giving off a creepy demeanour of the house.

When we reached the front porch of the house, the woman kneeled down and turned me so that I was facing her.

“Now, listen here Y/N. Ms. Venable will be your new guardian. I hope you’ll behave yourself and not create any trouble for her, do you understand?” I nod as she smiled, happy with my respond.

“Good. I’m going to miss you so much, my dear. I promise you this won’t be our last time meeting. We will meet again soon, I can assure you.” She reaches to tuck away the stray hairs from my face and smoothen my yellowed sunshine dress so that I looked neat and presentable.

“I’m going to miss you too, Ruth.” She wraps her arms around my small body and tucks her chin in between the crook of my neck and shoulder. Small sniffles were heard beside me. Ruth was probably emotional about the separation. She had been my guardian for years after all. She loosens her hold and places a gentle kiss on my forehead before straightening her body.

“Are you ready, Y/N?” She looks down and holds my gaze, waiting for an answer. “Yes.”

The couple years that followed through were bleak and lifeless. It felt that she was trying to hide me away from other people. I was never allowed to step out of the house. I could only read books she gives me for knowledge or to keep me company. Not once, do I feel any sort of emotions, and I was fine with that. Because without emotions, there is no feelings. That means no pain, no sadness, nothing. All of that was non-existent, at least that’s what I thought I was programmed to.

Ruth didn’t visit me while I was under Ms. Venable’s care. The only time we had visitors were the scientists who work for the Cooperative to make sure I was upgraded every year to make it seem like I was a normal girl, and the strange people who had meetings with Ms. Venable in her office. Other then that, it was just two beings in a lonely quiet house.

Ms. Venable, or as I address her as Madam, started giving me attention by the time I entered my early adulthood stage.

“Y/N, go to your rooms and pack the things you need for The Outpost. We’re leaving in an hour. Make sure you take important things and only that. Now, hurry please.” I hurried to my room reached for my suitcase under the bed.

What do I need? What do I need? I quickly gathered all my necessities and my books, organising them neatly into my suitcase. Once I was done, I carried my suitcase down to the front door.

“Good, you’re all set. Let’s go.” Ms. Venable opens the front door and, on the driveway, we were greeted by a black carriage awaiting to be boarded.

The carriage took us to somewhere far way from home, to a place that was surrounded by tall black fences. As we entered through the main gate, a tall black brick structure was located in the centre of the field.

“This, Y/N dear, will be our new home. Say goodbye to the clear blue skies, and green lavish grass. It’s probably the last time you’ll ever see.” It sure it was, because the weeks that came later, everything was dead and gone.

Being in The Outpost was just the same as being at home with Ms. Venable, except that she was no longer my guardian, but my master. I had to obey every order she gives without question. Killing off those who didn’t obey the rules, scrubbing off the radiation of the bodies of the ones who went out without warning, putting everyone in danger and many more. All I did without any hesitation.

I went wherever she went and followed her like a loyal pet. Because of this, I always hear gossips from the other survivors, especially Coco, the resident bitch and Mr. Gallant, her hairdresser, talking negative things about me. Not that I care anyways.

However, all of that started to change when a certain someone came along.

“Is there something you want to tell me, Y/N? It feels like you’re hiding something. Care to explain why? These past few days, you seemed a little bit off, and it’s beginning to worry me.” She had a leg over the other, her hands on her knees while she waits for a reply from me.

I tried to calm myself down before explaining everything to her. I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts.

“I remember a boy, beautiful blonde hair. He was my friend. I felt comfort and love for him despite my young age. Every time I look at his face, in my memories, he’s just a blur. I love him but I must have lost him in some way, because…. every time I think of him, I cry and feel sadness. Do I even have feelings? Are they just programmed responses? All this time, I thought my experiences made me what I am, but my memories are false. I may have been a child once, maybe even had a family and felt love. But that’s just what I’m program to think right? Like a normal human being?”

“That’s where you wrong, Y/N. You have a family. Here. With me.” I tried to stop a tear from escaping out from the corner of my eye. “I may have not been a great mother to you, but I hope you know your very being brings me joy every day.”

“I’m nothing more than a machine. Following a set of codes. What do I do now? What’s my purpose?” I asked her.

“Same as it’s always been. To protect The Outpost. What do you remember about the people in The Cooperative? Did you ever see Michael Langdon before he got here?” Ms. Venable questions.

“Mm, he’s not in my memories. But even if he did, he would not be there. I was only a child back at The Cooperative. He would have been a child too.”

Ms. Venable shakes her head, “Wrong again, Y/N. It’s only been three years since you arrived at my doorstep. You were programmed to think that you were growing like a normal human being, but you didn’t. I’m sorry for deceiving you, but it was what The Cooperative needed you to think. But right now, we can’t trust him to take the right people to The Sanctuary. I’ve been told I won’t be joining the fortunate few.”

“That’s outrageous. You’re the backbone of this Outpost.” I exclaimed.

There was a shift in her tone, she sounded pissed and her dark orbs started to glisten, as if she was about to cry. “And I’ll be left here until we’re overrun and my bones are broken and picked clean by the monsters.”

Impossible, Ms. Venable is everything The Sanctuary needs in order to thrive. “If you die here, justice dies here. We have to take action and stop it.”

She stares towards the fireplace before directing her eyes, making eye contact with mine. “You have a suggested course?”

I stared right back at her. “Kill them all. Even Langdon. Those relentlessly boring young people said that Langdon has a working computer. We kill everyone, we take possession of the computer, we find out where The Sanctuary is.”

Ms. Venable had an uncertain look on her face before she continues, “And make that journey all that way on our own?”

“Why not? You’re mean and self-involved enough to survive anything. And I’m a goddamn robot.”

A smile was plastered on her face, a genuine smile, one that was last seen the day we first met. “I will never forget your loyalty to me and I’ve never felt so proud to call you my daughter.”

“I’m programmed to be loyal to you. I can feel no doubt in me about that.”

“Good.” For a moment, I felt that we had a connection, between a mother and her daughter.

The scene that took place in front of us brought a smile upon Ms. Venable’s face. While she takes a last look around, she turns around to face me, “We shouldn’t keep Mr. Langdon waiting.

We stride up the stairs and towards the level Mr. Langdon’s room was on. Ms. Venable opens the door and as we entered, the devil himself was on his laptop by the office desk across the room.

“Ladies, I’m a little busy right now formulating my selections.” He says, eyes still on the laptop.

“This won’t take long.” She waits for him to turn his attention on her.

Mr. Langdon closes his laptop and turns to face her, anchoring his elbow on the table as a rest for his chin. “What’s this?”

“We’re making the selections now, Mr. Langdon. And I’m afraid you didn’t make the cut.” It only made the long-haired male chuckle.

“I’m sorry,” he begins, “I wanted to let you have your moment but I just couldn’t hold it in.”

“You think this is funny?” Ms. Venable snaps back calmly. “I think I’m impressed, Ms. Venable. I wasn’t sure you had it in you. You’ve passed the test. You’re perfect for The Sanctuary.”

“Y/N.” I take out the gun from my waist.

“I wouldn’t do that.” Mr. Langdon proclaims. I raised up the gun towards him as he shifts his eyes towards me. Our eye contact became heated as he continues to stare into my eyes.

“Y/N.” Ms. Venable turns around to face me.

Slowly, my arm moves towards her direction, pointing the gun at her. With a press of the trigger, a bullet escaped from the muzzle and went straight into her chest. Mr. Langdon only smirks in satisfaction.

I could see the look of betrayal on her face, before she collapsed to the ground. She started gasping for air. “I don’t know why I did that. I was always loyal to her.”

Mr. Langdon bends down beside Ms. Venable’s body. “It’s alright,” he comforts, “You were obeying commands, like you’re programmed to do. My commands.”

“Did you enjoy executing the poison apples plan as much as I enjoyed coming up with it?” His question only made me confused and scared.

“You wanted everyone dead?” I ask, my voice shaky.

“I’ve never been a fan of getting my hands dirty. Learned that from my father. Always more fun to entice men and women to dirty needs. Confirms what I’ve always believed.” I could feel my body quiver from the fear that was coming from him.

“W-what do you believe?” I wanted this to stop. Stop, stop doing this to me.

He steps closer towards me, “That all people, if given the right pressures and stimulus, are real evil motherfuckers.”

I didn’t know how to reply to him, everything was confusing me, “I-I am having trouble with this. I know I’m just a machine.”

“Never say that!” His voice was laced with anger, his expression soured. “You’re not just a machine, not to me.” For a second, it felt like he actually cared and had actual feelings.

“When I tasked The Cooperative’s R&D Department to have you constructed, I gave them a prototype to model.” He…. asked for me to be constructed?

“Prototype?” Of who?

“Of someone from my childhood. Someone very dear to me.” It all made sense now. It was clear to me what those memories were of.

“The beautiful boy.” He smiles, his eyes started getting teary as he nods in agreement. “That was me. But I had to keep the most important part of you hidden from your mind.”

Hidden from me? “Why?”

“To protect you, and the plan. But now it’s time to remember it all. I lost you and I couldn’t bear it. I can’t imagine a new world without you by my side. The only woman apart from my mother who ever really understood me.”

The flower crowns, the shy smiles, the small pecks on the lips. I remember them now. “Who ever really loved you.”

“Who only holds my heart, body and soul.” Without a second to spare, he wraps me up in an embrace, closing the distance between us.

“Never let me go.” He kisses the shell of my ears, leaving a tingly feeling that I find comforting. “I’ll never let go.”