#And then ruining Angel's whole schtick

[jazzy-a]

I would find it hilarious if Angel's advances towards Alastor backfire on him at some point.

Instead of making Al a "Daddy", he just becomes a "Dad." And with that comes all the implications where this man is just a needless embarrassment to him.

Angel Dust: After all, I'm one of the hottest, most desirable, GORGEOUS actors in-!

Alastor: Weren't you born right after that dreadfully hilarious little boat accident?

Vaggie: Boat accident? Are you talking about... the Titanic!??

Angel Dust, fuming: You shut your f*cking face or so help me I'll tie your tubes, Radio-head! See how good you talk then!

Alastor, delighted: My! Was that a radio pun, dear? Tell me, did you have a cathedral or tombstone in your time?

Angel Dust: SHUT UP!

Alastor: Poor thing. Probably can't remember in his old age.

Angel Dust: AKJ**!#BFS@3!1JBLQW!*!!!!

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #52 — The DJD Once Again Prove to Be an HR Nightmare

Ratchet and Drift, looking fresh as hell in their matching paint jobs, stand on the cliff they made their cool entrance on last issue, as they snipe at each other over whether or not Drift personally knows the DJD. Considering how Tarn and Friends had a space-cocaine induced freakout over seeing Drift on the quantum duplicate Lost Light, they may want to talk a little quieter, especially with the face Helex is making.

You better watch out, Ratchet— this man's going to do Sakamoto-got-all-the-way-to-pencils shit to you!

The Pet takes the opportunity presented by our recently returned newlyweds being too busy flirting to pay attention to the fight at hand, leaping to chew on Ratchet's head. Luckily, Ten is an ally, even when he’s been beat to shit, and punches the shitty little Pomeranian into the air. Kaon, card-carrying freak and dog dad, takes this abject display of animal abuse about as well as he can.

Ratchet, having his gun eaten by the mouth pervert, is beginning to worry that he, his rich boytoy, and a mostly out of commission Ten might be sliiiiiiiiightly outnumbered against a dozen Decepticons, two of whom belong to the Super Murder Death Squad. Drift, after a bit of needling, heelies a dude’s face off, jumps into the air, does a bunch of sick flips, blocks a laser with a sword in such a way that it looks like he got shot in the dick, and then lands, like, 70 feet away to scoop up the Pet and threaten to chop its head off if Helex doesn’t stop trying to vore his boyfriend.

Kaon, #1 dog dad, orders everyone to fall back. Helex, who has Ratchet like 70% inside his smelting chamber by this point, can’t believe that Kaon’s ruining the fun. Helex releases Ratchet, letting him crowd onto Drama Point with Drift and most of Ten, as the Decepticons circle them. Drift, unfortunately, didn’t think past doing sweet flips to show off after his sabbatical from the comic run, and they’re back in the same situation they arrived to, but now one of them is holding a crusty little dog.

Then a platform descends from the sky, and we see what Ravage has been up to.

Grand theft auto!

Yes, it turns out that this cat can drive, and well enough to get the boys up and out of danger, though Ten’s size means that the lovebirds have to dangle off of his remaining arm. Drift still hasn’t put down the Pet. Sure hope that thing’s been socialized to cats.

Oh, who am I kidding? Kaon wouldn’t have bothered.

Speaking of Kaon, he looks like he’s about to cry, because someone’s kidnapped his princess baby angel, and Helex doesn’t even CARE, the heartless bastard, as he orders the other Decepticons to fire on the shuttle. They, of course, hit it, as there’s at least ten of these guys firing, and they’re all decently tall. The shuttle begins to lose altitude, and Ravage, who does not have traditional hands and is currently using his tail to man the control stick, attempts to crash as close to the “fortress” as possible.

Meanwhile, over at Megatron’s plinth, we get back to that whole thing where he surrendered himself to Tarn. Tarn, feeling an excuse to monologue coming on, says that he’s well aware of Megatron’s new schtick, and he’s not a huge fan of it. Megatron clarifies that he wishes to give himself up so that the rest of the Lost Light crew stranded on this planet might live, because this is his fault to begin with. Tarn agrees, reminding him that he paid for Tarn’s plastic surgery. Megatron states that he only brought Tarn to his side to hurt “someone��.

Three guesses who Megatron could have possibly hurting by bringing Tarn over to the Decepticons, and the first two don’t count.

Megatron thinks that by bumming around space on a borderline vacation, he’s returned to who he used to be (maybe he got his teaching license, who knows) and that the war was a waste of time. Tarn gets kind of intense here, because if Megatron wasted his life, what does that make Tarn? Tarn, who has decorated his home with nothing but Decepticon symbols? Tarn, who has had corpses nailed to his wall for the last couple million years? Tarn, who wears a fuckoff stupid mask every single day of his life, even while eating and trying to kill himself with space meth cut with time travel and gas station dick pills? Also, what about all the other guys who died trying to realize Megatron's ideals? What about the little guys, the cogs that made the machine run? What about Steve from accounting, whose husband left him, because he was too busy trying to balance the budget on Megatron's body remodels and Optimus Prime punching bags that also doubled as body pillows to come home? What about Steve, huh?

Megatron basically regrets everything he’s ever done, not that Tarn cares. Megatron then reveals that whole thing where Rewind tried to retroactively kill him as an infant, and how he sort of wished it had worked.

Tarn starts beating the shit out of Megatron before the guy can start going on about how his parents are Brainstorm and Whirl, though Tarn promises that this is just a healthy dose of tough love, as surely the wimp before him isn’t actually who Megatron is. Megatron doesn’t fight back, instead just staring sadly at the Autobot badge Tarn slapped off of him. This is really starting to piss Tarn off, as he was really hoping to beat some of the fire back into his former mentor and idol. This is when he starts trying to choke Megatron, even though their species doesn’t breathe. Still, I’m sure Tarn’s stiletto nails hurt something fierce.

Megatron then recalls his conversation with Velocity, and states that if the fool’s energon DID alter his personality, it was probably for the best, and he wouldn’t want to go back. Tarn, who has based his entire selfhood on the thing that Megatron threw away to live out his probation on a cruise ship, takes this statement with all the tact and level-headedness we’ve come to know him for.

Tarn is just one more double fusion cannon blast to the chest away from smiting Megatron utterly, and he’s fully committed to doing so. However, he gets distracted by the sound of Elton John’s “The Bitch is Back” coming from across the field.

WHO LET THIS MOTHERFUCKER OUT OF HELL

Anyway, it looks like Ravage can, in fact, drive pretty well, as the shuttle did crash pretty close to the “fortress”. Swerve, who still really wants to make up for his shitty boss behaviors and also accidentally dragging Ten into a microcosm of hell, lets Ten know that they saw his floor graffiti, and that it might actually work. Magnus, who still has his arm off, does his best to not kick Swerve across the room as he scurries underfoot, as he drags Ten inside the building.

Skids intercepts Ratchet to welcome him back, and also ask how the hell he knew to come to Necroworld. Apparently he and Drift had received a call from the handy dandy phone that he had given First Aid, who First Aid had then regifted to Velocity, just in case some bullshit happened. Velocity’s introduction to Ratchet is rough, as she manages to call him grumpy, old, and stubborn as a mule in the span of about fifteen seconds. Ratchet is mostly concerned with the fact that the Lost Light replaced him so soon after his return. Nobody tell him about Velocity’s track record with the medical exams, he might just shoot off into space to beat First Aid to a pulp for leaving her by herself.

Over in what might be a closet, Rodimus runs across Drift sitting in the dark and sharpening one of his swords. Drift seems to have used his exile to remember that he does, in fact, have some semblance of self-respect, as he doesn’t immediately forgive Rodimus for throwing him off the ship that he paid for, only to have given himself up as the real culprit behind the Overlordening, like, a week later, thus negating Drift’s sacrifice, and then never coming to find him, despite the fact that they’re supposedly friends, and, again, the ship is in Drift’s name, as was the crew’s allowance money. How the Lost Light has survived financially without Drift is unknown.

Rodimus knows that he sucks and is the worst, but he was really worried that Drift wouldn’t like him anymore, so he’d sort of been kicking the issue of “finding my ex-TIC to tell him he got publicly humiliated for nothing” down the road, to the point where Ratchet had gotten sick of it and went to solve the problem himself.

Of course, the meta reason for Drift not being found was so that Shane McCarthy could have his OC back, as well as Ratchet, for the miniseries Transformers: Drift— Empire of Stone, well known for being sort of silly and introducing the phrase “be shoosh” to Drift’s lexicon. In it, Ratchet found Drift traipsing around the edge of the galaxy being a neutral (in terms of war) hero to organic species affected by Decepticon aggressions, before crashing on a planet where Drift, back when he was “Deadlock”, had found a mystical stone army, one that Gigatron (a dude who totally isn’t anime Megatron) wanted to harness the power of, so that the Decepticons might claim victory over their enemies. Hellbat, Gigatron’s second in command, had gone mad doing nothing but killing over millions of years, and had been modifying the stone army in secret to do his bidding so he could "kill everything". Then the stone army woke up, Hellbat died, Gigatron died, and Ratchet went to take Drift to get detailed, because he looked like he'd been ridden hard and put away wet.

Also, if you think about it, having two former high-ranking Decepticons turning to the Autobot side being on the Lost Light’s high command might have been too many redundancies to make Megatron’s arc stand out. Perhaps, had Megatron not been added to MTMTE’s roster so late in the game, Rodimus WOULD have gone looking for Drift, finding him just in time for the DJD to catch wind that they hadn’t actually super nightmare death murdered Deadlock after all.

Drift, who can’t say no to Rodimus's puppydog face, lets Rodimus sit with him on the floor, as he apologizes for the fact that by coming here, Drift and Ratchet have unwittingly signed up for Tarn’s Political Theory and Dismemberment Slam Poetry Night, but he mega-promises that they’ll come up with something together to get through this. Drift appreciates the sentiment, but knows that Rodimus is just saying this to make him feel better.

Back at the worst fan club meetup in the galaxy, Tarn elbows Overlord in the throat and tells him to fuck off. Overlord tells him that he knows Tarn never finished his degree and only acts like an academic for the aesthetic. Tarn transforms to shoot him while reminding Overlord that at least Megatron’s spoken to him in the last few thousand years. The two duke it out with their tank modes, Overlord KRUMPing all over Tarn, before the theatre kid kicks him off and questions why exactly Overlord is even alive, given that he chainsawed his head off last year. No word on if he’s bothered to ask this same question about 75% of the people he’s here to super murder.

Overlord simply states that someone found him floating out in space and fixed him up, because it turns out that they both wanted to go after Megatron and kill his ass dead, because Overlord is sort of sick of not getting the attention he so obviously deserves. When Tarn, ever the opportunist, attempts to make a team up deal, Overlord tells him to shut up.

And then they realize they lost the old man they were fighting over.

Great work, fellas.

Over with the Autobots (and Cyclonus), Rewind’s outside, looking at that memorial to the disappeared and trying to figure out why the Necrobot laid out the names in the way that he did. He’s currently near the top, where you can see most of Roller’s name, someone whose name ends in “gator”, and Dreamwave Production’s smoldering corpse, which makes me wonder if Alex Milne ever did get all the money he was owed from his work with them. Rewind, who last dealt with the DJD not even a year ago, is trying really, really hard to not think about how many needles they’re going to jam into Chromedome’s eyes this go around.

Of course, Nautica, who has come out to find Rewind, doesn’t give a shit about Rewind’s PTSD. She wants relationship advice! She’d ask Chromedome, but apparently he’s taking a nap, still worn out from stabbing Tailgate in the brain after he rainbow-exploded all over the ship. Which happened months ago.

You know, at the rate he’s been going, Chromedome probably wouldn’t have lived too far past sunset anyhow.

Anyway, Nautica wants to know if, on Cybertron, you have to be besties before you can get hitched, because that’s how it works on some of the other colonies. She specifies that this ISN'T how it works on Caminus, which is good, given how problematic that would be, considering you need to be best friends with someone by the time you're five weeks old, and there's no telling if they're cool with platonic polyamory. Rewind informs her that it’s either one or the other on Cybertron, no double-dipping, and god help you if it’s a situationship. Nautica is asking this because she’s realized that she can’t waffle about on committing anymore, seeing as she’s probably going to die in the next hour or so, and she’d rather use that time to enter a queer-platonic partnership than get her face fixed.

Back at the Peaceful Tyranny, Tarn has, in fact, managed to bring Overlord to reason, much to Deathsaurus’s confusion and derision, if his squiggle face is anything to go by. Overlord, smug as fuck, informs Deathsaurus that in exchange for his compliance, Tarn has agreed to let him personally murder Megatron while everyone watches, because surely Tarn couldn’t actually kill his idealogical idol, because he’s a pussy. Tarn is being very brave about this, only letting the spot blacking on his linework show on his face, as his fists shake with rage.

Then Kaon shows up, begging they pull back their forces until the Pet has been returned, and the spot blacking gets a little heavier.

Tarn, who has had a very long day of tactical meetings, phone calls, facing his fallen idol, having a very unsatisfying beatdown with said idol, and dealing with known freak Overlord, handles Kaon’s inability to be a big boy about misplacing his shitty little dog with all of the tact and decorum we’ve come to know him for— he gives Kaon a big, beefy hug, acknowledges just how much Kaon loves that shitty little dog, and then makes sure that Kaon never has to worry about a thing ever again.

That’s a series wrap on Kaon! Let’s give him a hand, folks!

Tarn, who has had just about enough of Overlord in the last half hour, smashes Kaon’s head onto Overlord’s tits, covering him in viscera, as he demands he be treated with respect, because this is HIS house, where HE’S paying the bills and calling the shots, so help him god. Nickel is very displeased that Tarn’s killed one of the Twinksome Twosome. No word on how Deathsaurus feels about this, considering that a big reason he’s working with Tarn is because he refused to kill the rest of the DJD when demanded to do so, thus showing his dedication to his men. Also no word on how the rest of the DJD are going to handle Tarn decapitating their weed man.

Tarn tells everyone to pony up, as they’re about to go over and handle all the silly little bastards hiding out in the Necrobot’s “fortress”.

Speaking of which, it looks like Megatron made it home, despite Tarn blowing his tits clean off with that cannon blast. Rodimus and Ratchet carry him inside, as Magnus is probably too busy not getting his arm put back on to help, and Megatron is using the last of his energy to hold the Autobot badge Tarn slapped off his chest earlier.

Sure hope Ratchet didn’t forget to tell Drift about his old boss being co-captain of the ship, or else this is going to be a very nasty surprise for both of them— we've already seen that Drift loves to freak out and kill sick people.

[retroactivebakeries]

inordinately pleased with my most recent glitch pc so I am inflicting her on you all

Anthrinas Kimmeros, Dying of Destiny

“I name myself an ember’s child; a ling’ring troth, a fading flame; when I am named, no longer say: salvation, to the world.”

Once, there was a little girl who was destined to save the world. A magical animal found her, and it offered her duty and power, and it made her into a magical girl. And not just any magical girl, but the savior, a destined hero who would bring an end to all suffering, like Usagi or Madoka.

Only—that wasn’t a destiny that she was supposed to have. That wasn’t a destiny that was supposed to exist at all. There’s no such thing as a savior who can put an end to suffering, and the science is still out on magical girls.

She didn’t realize any of this until after the first of her destined deaths. As her life guttered, she glimpsed the countless invisible strings of fate connecting everyone and everything. And she saw the pulsing, crimson snarl of her own destiny, a cascade error coursing through the fate of everyone whose life she’d ever touched—

And she understood, then, that the world was wrong.

Destiny soon decreed her rebirth, but she’d seen the Glitch now. She couldn’t be a proper magical girl, a proper messiah. She arose instead in Ninuan, her hopes dead and her magical girl uniform monochrome. So she wasn’t a savior, not anymore, but fate still had its hooks in her. If she wasn’t there to save the world, then she would bear witness to the destined apocalypse. She would rule over the ruin left behind, reigning from a castle that doesn’t exist.

It was pretty easy to be a living weapon in service to a higher purpose when you’ve spent basically most of your life doing just that. She murdered the Angel that was Grief-That-Inspires, Orgone Energy, and Beith, and she wrought a twisted mockery of a god from its corpse. She beefed with basically every Noble who has a magical girl schtick. She actually did end the world, once, although she ended up having to eat a timeline reset on that one.

Statistically, most magical girls burn out before they reach their late twenties, and the numbers only got worse if you're corrupted into a dark magical girl. She pushed herself as hard as she could, she fought the good fight against reality, and she spent more than she had to give doing it.

For a couple years, she just…stopped. Events still happened, sure; people talked to her, on days she’d gotten out of bed and dressed; she might’ve killed a god somewhere in there—but she wasn’t really there for those parts of her life. She wasn’t anything, really.

She gave up on the war, eventually. It’d been a few years since she’d actually fought in it, but like, formally deciding that she was done. Because...she was so tired. And she started trying to fill the void—did some moonlighting as a magical girl; got a cat, and then another cat, and then some more; let a bunch of those magical girl-themed Powers she’d beefed with throw a pretty half-assed intervention for her. [And then a bridge into the campaign concept.]

Sanctum: The Castle That Doesn’t Exist. A sprawling gothic castle that has yet to be built, for the destined apocalypse has yet to come—but once it has, it is from here that Anthrinas will reign, crowned with no crown and enthroned on no throne. It is eerily empty, though at times it seems not to be. 

Technique: Dark Magical Girl. We’ve all watched enough anime here to know what this does.

Sphere: Anthrinas typically uses λ-versions of her former companions—their Ninuanni selves, set free from the cage of existence alongside Anthrinas when she was reborn. Other arcana include appropriately-themed mystical treasures, supernatural companions, and minions.

Phazia: Anthrinas’ magical animal companion. A winged cat so black as to seem a void cut from reality. Knowledgeable in the whole metaphysical framework underlying how magical girls work, but most likely going to be used mainly for being-a-flying-cat reasons.

Rhimrida: A light-hearted illusion magic specialist. She’s the magical girl of self-deception, of “nothing is wrong,” of “don’t think about that.” She’d be a good cast for Mara if they made a movie about the Buddha.

Lithwin: A hot-blooded gun witch whose standard attacks involve a lot of magical gatling guns and missile barrages that explode into flower petals. She’s the magical girl of transience, of “nothing good lasts,” of “there’s always an ending.”

Alasenta: A prim and proper miko, skilled in rituals for binding, sealing, and warding, though used more offensively than you’d expect. She’s the magical girl of futility, of “it can’t be helped,” of  “no—not even you.” 

Tainram: An inveterate cynic and a living jinx who brings bad luck to others. She’s the magical girl of chaos, of “you’re not in control,” of “things fall apart.” She’d be a good cast for Eris if they made a movie out of the Principa Discordia.

[jerseymuppet]

i might be stupid but. is the gothamverse a muppets batman au? is that what the thing in ur bio means? (either way plz do tell me abt it)

That would definitely be infinitely cooler than my idea! Gothamverse is the beautiful result of me playing arkham knight while waiting for an mcr livestream to start up and thinking ‘damn bitches from jersey are fucking insane! ....wait a minute’

It’s basically a silly little idea I came up last March with where all the mcr guys are from Gotham and what their villain origin stories would be etc. I followed the main Batman villain archetypes: extremist, anti-hero, camp, and serial killer, and I had a fucking blast! It’s very silly and just something I did for fun. I guess I can go a lil bit into it here.

full disclosure, I am psychotic and disabled and I do not believe in the vilification of mental illness or disability in media, all of these characters will eventually get the help they need. Batman at its core is about a mentally ill man helping others who have been failed by society and I will never forgive dc for making him into an overpowered, glorified cop.

Frank’s character (Francis ‘Frankie’ Stein) is the extremist (duh). He’s the son of a mafia boss who is steadily ruining their town with crime and Frankie just kinda snaps and kills him to take his place as the head of the family and try to undo some of the damage done. He has great intentions, he’s just very unyielding and kind of insane 💕 his moniker is Frankenstein! And his whole schtick is that he’s very hard (if not impossible) to kill. He’s also chronically ill and Jewish, these are not important to his character but they are important to me !

Mikey’s character (Micheal Way) is the serial killer. He’s a ‘sociopath’ (theres nothing actually wrong with him, people just suck and made him feel lesser and out of place :/) trying to fit in with everyday society but he always feels like something is missing and becomes a neuroscientist to try to find what exactly it is. He invents a machine (the empathsizer) that allows him to experience other people’s memories and emotions as though they are his own. From there he accidentally gets addicted to the chemical responses his brain has to doing that. And keeps doing it. Even after the testing phase is no longer accepting applicants. It gets worse after he experiences someone’s near death experience and starts chasing the high it gave him. Idk what his moniker is? It’s sandman for right now but that’s honestly so boring and uninspired.

Ray’s character (Raymond Ortiz) is camp but very loosely. He’s an engineer by day and a rockstar by night! He’s really only an engineer to save up enough money to pursue music full time but it’s hard because he doesn’t get paid that much. Winter hits and with it, cuts to his hours! So he’s forced to choose between rent and electricity. When he gets really sick as a result, he can’t afford a doctor. And when he wakes up with his hearing gone as a result, theres nothing he can really do but spiral into a depression. Until he realizes he’s a literal biological engineer. If he can’t fix his problem he can at the very least prevent it from happening to someone else! Research does cost money, so it’s very fortunate that Gotham has so many banks. His moniker is Dr. Megahurtz! His weapon of choice is his guitar, which has been retrofitted with sonic emitters to amplify and weaponize the hertz. Not enough to hurt, but enough to incapacitate.

Gerard’s character (Jules Moss) is the anti hero! She’s (yes I made Gerard’s character a trans girl, they took too long to make a trans character so I did it for them) has the same backstory as Gerard actually! On her way home from work she witnesses a terrorist attack, but instead of starting a band she decides to fight crime instead. She does so bad. Literally her first night out patrolling she gets killed by some priest who’s been driven insane by what he claims is an angel that’s ‘chosen him to impart gods will’ but it’s just a fallen star looking for a vessel to possess and the first guy it came across wasn’t dead lol. The star turns into a sword of pure light and that’s what Jules gets stabbed with, but also it fuses itself to her dna so she wakes up a few days later, schrödingers girl, with some scary new abilities and a voice in her head that definitely wasn’t there before. Her whole arc is her trying to find the guy that killed her and get revenge. Her moniker is stigmata! Because when she gets impaled it also goes through the palms of her hands and the wounds don’t heal.

but yeah that’s the bare bones of it all! I’m planning on making this into a comic series but the script is still being written at the moment! Thank you for letting me ramble about it 💕🥰

[corbival]

fun facts about the ringmaster: His original concept is so rediculously similar to Lucifer (hazbin hotel) and elements of Alastor that it makes me want to yell about it into the void. I actually drew him with Alastor a few times, one doodle of him being reblogged by vivz in which he's having an aggressive smile-off with alastor. (if you fused lucifer and alastor you would literally have my mans) So I'm going to break down some similarities for myself!

The Circus was originally (secretly) supposed to be Hell. People trapped in The Circus lived out their lives in a chaotically happy, extravegant, never-ending themepark dimension that was very fun on the surface but incredibly deadly and hellish beneath the surface.

The Circus oriignally had nine rings (literal big tops), one for each circle of hell, each represented by a different character (greed, wrath, gluttony, etc)

Being the creator of his dimension (in this case hell) he can make anything and everything appear, move and change at his whim! This includes making helter skelters and rides spawn from nowhere, expanding and changing his empire!

He can change his form into basically whatever he wants, provided it stays within a certain consistency (size, colour scheme, accessories, etc)

He has a bit pointy, redder demonic form.

Has a long-lasting feud with angels (and one particular angel, mine of which is actually called Alistair

He has hundreds of kids he's never really interacted with (incubus, innit), but I write him as having 'pathetic love-me' dad energy.

Full white outfit with occasional red and black trims to represent 'purity' sort of like an angel (heavy hints that he was supposed to be a play on lucifer from the bible), and to make him stand out from the mostly red, gold and pink backdrop. Also makes him stand out in comparison to other ringleader character designs.

Surprisingly down to earth when talking about serious topics, but mostly exuding natural charisma, showmanship, and a constant need to impress and one-up other people.

Big sharp pointy teeth go omnomnom

If we want to go to the alastor stuff; cannibal, always has a shit-eating grin because his whole schtick was supposed to be 'look happy, be happy, be better than everyone with your happiness, they can't know they're in hell or it ruins the fun'

( I understand that this can all be put down to 'vivziepop and I both made our characters when we were seventeen and when you're seventeen you're obsessed with tumblr sexymen, edgy humour, the most basic representations of hell, and mediocre worldbuilding for your future one-day cartoon tv show', and edgy teenagers online in the same spaces tend to like the same tropes and are influenced by the same things, but I THINK IT'S FUNNY )

[divineerdrick]

Metawatch Warhammer 40,000: January 2024

Alright! The long awaited Balance Dataslate for the start of 2024 is finally here! I'm glad they waited until after LVO this time. I'm so eager to see what's changing for this new season of 40K!

Currently, 40K balance is in a really nice spot. We have two contenders for the top army in the game with Craftworlds and CSM, both hovering just over the 55% win rate. At the same time, AdMech, Knights, Sisters, and Drukhari are struggling at or below the 45% mark. For Space Marines, Blood Angels and Deathwatch seem to be struggling the most, while Templars and Ultramarines are seeing success. Space Wolves are also doing really good, but they're not usually seen as Champions of Russ.

For mechanics, we're at a point where Indirect Fire weapons are either game changing or useless with no ground in between. Aircraft are near universally staying on shelves. Opinions on Battle-shock vary from player to player and army to army. I personally feel it's hard to argue that it's a very meaningful mechanic when it's basically Tyranids' whole schtick now, and they're one of the weaker armies.

There's also plenty of issues cropping up around internal balance. Now that we have more detachments available for some armies, some of them are clearly more powerful than others. This is particularly felt hard by Space Marine players, who almost universally are sticking with vanilla detachments. Only Templars seem to be regularly seen inside their unique detachment, and the temperature check for the new Dark Angels Codex suggests Deathwing might end up on tables . . . and that's about it.

Speaking of Codexes, we're genuinely not seeing any Codex Creep! GW seems to have legitimately focused on using Codexes to patch some of the problems the Indexes have had and provide players with more options. As I hinted above, this has had mixed results. But I definitely prefer this to the insane levels of creep that ruined 9th Edition.

So! With all that said, should I make any predictions? Well, I can't say anything about Drukhari, as the links call them out by name. But big surprise the current weakest army will be getting some love. I guess I'll predict that they will receive both points and rules changes. I'm predicting we'll see some rollbacks on nerfs to Knights and Custodes. I think we'll see one more focused rules change to Aeldari and probably some points bumps, especially for Night Spinners. I'm also expecting some form of rules nerf to CSM. The most obvious one will be something regarding how marks work and some of the crazy shenanigans that have been used. I'm also expecting a points buff to many of their most used pieces. For everyone else, I'm expecting GW will mostly focus on internal balance. I'm not expecting any rules changes for Detachments this time around, though it would be nice. I think all the other factions will mostly be focused around points.

I also think we need some mission changes. In particular, I think we're going to get changes to scoring Secondary Objectives. But I'm not sure if that will be addressed here, or if we're going to get something like a General's Handbook.

Alright! Enough preamble! Let's start with the article and video!

Video

Hello, Josh from the Design Studio! Apologies, Josh, but I can't help but feel the answer to "who better to do that with . . ." would be Stu. Still, it's nice to see more members of the team. It's also quite likely that Stu is now hard at work on 11th Edition, given GWs tight and frustrating schedule (three years between editions is too short, dammit!) So Josh might very well be the one in charge of 10th Edition balance right now.

We don't really know how GW gets their numbers, but 60+ percent for Aeldari's original win rate is . . . technically true. 70+ would have been more honest though . . . They're calling them at 57% now, which I think most stat keepers agree with.

We're getting a whole new Detachment for Drukhari! Well, now! I knew we were getting rules changes but I was expecting a patch to Realspace Raid. This doesn't mean that isn't happening, but that's still pretty big news!

And there's the rules change for Aeldari. Looks like we're getting another nerf to Phantasm. It very much needs it. Looks like they're making it random now. Wonder if it's going to be flat D6 or something like D6+1.

It sounds like Drukhari are still getting rules changes. So the new Detachment will be on top of this. Yep! They're buffing Realspace Raid! Congratulations Drukhari! And they're mentioning they might do this in the future too!

So they're using Daemons for the internal balance example. I'm still not sure how Daemons mostly stay off my radar, but I do know that Daemons are almost always focused around monster mash with a few units like Flamers and Nurglings thrown in. So it sounds like they're going to try and address this using points. As I suggested, I don't think they're going to use rules changes if they can avoid it. It's one thing to log into the app and see that your army has lost or gained points. It's another to be playing and get an, "Um, actually . . . that rule doesn't work like that anymore."

Yes! We're getting more rules clarifications and commentary! Please give us more FAQs too, I beg you! But it really sounds like they want to use the Commentary for this. It looks like they're finally addressing some of the Transport and Deepstrike questions, with these no longer count as moving for rules interactions.

They also say they're using standard color coding for points changes too. That'll make looking at these points changes so much easier! Balance Dataslate changes will be marked as new too. This sound very similar to how 9th Edition Dataslates worked, just with plus signs instead of colors.

They're covering a bit about LVO too, and in particular how they looked at it. It sounds like we're not going to see anything for Necrons this time around. This is another reason why I'm glad they waited for LVO. They can see a much larger pool of players and lists all interacting at once. I don't know if it caused them to change anything, but it gives them the opportunity at least. They do know to keep an eye on Necrons too.

I also like how they acknowledge that the tournament Aeldari list has really not change for at least three months.

Article

So the first thing in the article is that we're getting a change to the starting number of Fate Dice for Aeldari, in addition to Phantasm. Drukhari are getting changes to Power from Pain, and an all new downloadable Index! Their new detachment is the Skyplinter Assault.

It looks like many Battleline units are getting love, while the aforementioned Indirect Fire units are getting another nerf. They once again go over how they're showing changes in this dataslate.

Finally we're not seeing anything for Dark Angels this time around. Their new points will not be in this Munitorum Field Manual.

Oh, for the love of . . .

Please tell me this isn't what they're deciding balance with. I know they suggested they use other metrics, but this is not good at all.

They've got CSM at 54%! They're closer to 56-57%! They've got Deathwatch at 46%? Where are they possibly getting that number from?

Huh! Actually checking Stat Check, CSM has slipped a bit while Deathwatch is rising . . . Interesting! Looks like I'm the one who needs to pay better attention. Still, I hope they're making sure CSM isn't going to be the reigning champion with the new Aeldari nerfs.

Oh well. I guess I should have realized I would have slipped with how sick I've been lately. Let's dig into these and see what we've got. We'll start with Drukhari.

Index Drukhari

Power from Pain

So the first big change is to what happens to a unit you Empower in the Shooting or Fight phase. Now, melee weapons will get an additional pip of AP. This should help Drukhari melee finally hit the way it's supposed to!

The rule for Realspace Raiders remains unchanged. Maybe they're hoping the melee buff will mean Drukhari players will actually take their characters? Guess we'll have to wait and see. There don't seem to be any changes to the detachment that I can find. Let's look at the new one.

Skysplinter Assault

Oh. Oh nice!

The new detachment ability is Rain of Cruelty. This gives two meaningful buffs to any unit disembarking from a transport. The first is Ignores Cover, which in this edition might as well read "gain an AP." The second is Lance. Combined with the new Power from Pain, this will allow a melee unit Disembarking from a transport to hit really hard.

The catch here is that the unit needs to be able to Charge in order to get the full benefit from this rule. Normally, you can't charge if the Transport moved. So this means that most Transports have to move into position, then the unit has to wait to disembark. Let's take a look at the rest of the rules first, then we'll see if Drukhari have any transports with an Assault Ramp style rule.

Enhancements

Our first enhancement is Phantasmal Smoke. This grants the bearer's unit Cover and Stealth while wholly within 6" of a Transport. Cover is no big deal, but Stealth is a relevant buff. The problem is the "wholly within" part. That's gonna limit how you can use this enhancement. I'm not sure this even gets an, "if you have points left."

Next, we have Sadistic Fulcrum. This seems a lot more fun. If the whole goal is to run a bunch of units in Transports, then you can probably make pretty good use of this. I'm pretty sure at least one Transport has Dark Lances, so this might be auto-include if priced right.

Spiteful Raider provides some additional Pain token generation. It only triggers when you kill an enemy on an objective and only in the fight phase. But since Drukhari wants to do that, this could also be auto-include.

Finally, Nightmare Shroud provides one of the most relevant rules you can have in 10th Edition: preventing Overwatch! It's hard to oversell how clutch this can be. Especially if you're going to try and Disembark from a stationary transport to move and charge, this gives you two places where an opponent might try to gun you down. This might also be auto-include.

While Phantasmal smoke is a pretty big miss, the other three enhancements will probably all see use. This is all around a good start to this Detachment.

Stratagems

Vicious Blades is interesting. This is one of those rules that when you use it you're going to feel really good about it, but you probably won't use it very often. It's an interesting way to represent the Drukhari in a Transport striking and shooting out of it. If you've got 2CP, this combined with Tank Shock could just run over some units.

Wraithlike Retreat is awesome! Free moves are always good, especially during your opponents turn. There's a reason we're seeing a Phantasm nerf. Even if the target isn't a Wych unit, the whole theme of this Detachment is transports. This army wants to ride into combat, wipe out a target, then get back in and do it again. The fact you can make a Fall Back move is what really puts this over the edge. This means you don't even have to finish a unit off. You can cripple it and then move on, or just get your Unit out of potential danger for next turn.

But it's Pounce on the Prey that this Detachment will practically revolve around. If Drukhari doesn't have a transport that has an Assault Ramp rule, this gets around it. This allows you to use your favorite Transports to rush your units up the board and in your opponents face. Turn 1 charges are almost certainly a thing with this.

If charging isn't a good idea, Skyborne Annihilation can significantly up the damage from a shooting unit, especially if you empower them. I don't remember Kabalite Warriors being anything special. But if they see some love in the MFM, this could allow them to punch above their weight. It's also a Battle Tactic.

Again, we have some out of phase movement. Swooping Mockery allows Drukhari players to take some risks with their transports without needing to worry about easy reprisal. Like many of these rules, though, this only works if your opponent wants to come in close.

Finally Night Shield helps keep your Transports safe. Since you may want to have some units move up and not disembark, this will be essential.

Honestly the only problem with these Stratagems is CP generation. I can easily see Drukhari players basically always spending their CP on one of these each turn. They'll be wanting to use Pounce on the Prey or Skyborne Annihilation on their turn, then use Wraithlike Retreat or Swooping Mockery in their opponent's turn. Considering the potential mobility of this army, I'm guessing most players will want to take Tactical Missions.

Transports

The Raider makes for some serious reach and threat with its automatic 6" advance. With a 14" move, plus disembarking within 3", that's a guaranteed charge from 19" away. And its got Deep Strike to boot! It also has a Darklance and Firing Deck 11 to benefit from Sadistic Fulcrum.

Venoms come with that fun ability to split your units and Stealth. They can also swoop by and pick up units without needing to use Wraithlike Retreat.

And, um, that's it. Why did I think Drukhari had more Transports than this? Still, both are Dedicated Transports, which means you can take as many as you want providing you can start them with a Unit embarked. That's still not a lot of units to build an army around.

This is the first real sticking point for this. While it's mostly other units that will benefit from these rules, you'll need to make sure you have enough Raiders and Venoms for this to work. And you'll only be able to use your best tricks on one or two each turn (usually just one.) Making sure you've got the Transports you need while still having the units to punch and score objectives will be a real balancing act.

The Balance Dataslate

Adepta Sororitas

Wow! Sisters players are not going to be happy. They've recently seen an uptick as veteran players have learned to work with their unique rules to get increased performance out of their normally mediocre units. Acts of Faith are key to this. I'm sure the goal is to stop the Triumph from feeling so necessary to all of this, but the faction really didn't need nerfs.

Adeptus Custodes

This was extremely necessary. I'm still not sure what they're going to do to allow Custodes players to play other detachments, which was a huge issue in 9th, but for now they need Aegis to function against Dev Wounds to work. I predicted they might see one of the nerfs undone, but it looks like GW thinks this is all they need.

Aeldari

Six! They're only getting six Fate Dice now, and no re-rolls! Looks like GW has decided it's time for the nuclear option, because this is just the start.

Fates messenger now only affects the bearer, not the unit. Phantasm is D6, so it's not only less reliable but has lost an inch of movement. Night Spinners no longer stop a unit from Advancing. THANK YOU! The Yncarne can now only teleport once in each of the Aeldari player's turns. GET WRECKED! And Wraithguard can now only shoot back at what shot at them.

By the Goddess!

That's a lot of fixes. I'm actually hoping they didn't get much in the way of points increases, because damn! Surprised they didn't address Warp Spider in all of that, though.

Astra Militarum

Interesting! Officers can now issue Orders when they setup on the Battlefield. This will provide Guard players with a lot more flexibility as to when and how they deploy their Officers.

Blood Angels

Red Thirst now adds +2 to Strength, bringing the rule more in line with 10th Edition Toughness characteristics. Not sure this will bring Sons of Sanguinius to the the table, but it's a start.

Chaos Daemons

Honestly not much here. You now must include Battleline Daemons as allies if you take them. Since Nurglings were by far the most allied Daemons, I don't think this actually affects much.

Chaos Space Marines

GW did not ignore CSM. We've got a nerf to Transports, so you're no longer putting your Undivided Chosen in a Nurgle Transport just for Dark Obscuration. And that Stratagem has been nerfed to 18". Profane Zeal now only affects Chaos Undivided and only grants re-roll wounds. That's the better half, but still! Accursed Cultists are OC 1 now and only regenerate on your turn.

Again, it's a grab bag of problem units and stratagems fixed. It's nowhere near what Aeldari suffered, so unless there are more nerfs coming CSM are still in a good spot. But GW is not shying away from changing these rules!

Deathguard

You can now only use Grenade on one Biologus Putrifier per turn. Reasonable nerf.

Drukhari

We already know about Power from Pain, but we missed that Archons can now lead Incubi. They'll definitely welcome the re-roll wounds.

Grey Knights

Wow! We're really getting into it here! GW appears to be more than willing to actually change profiles and Datasheets! Did you think Dreadknights didn't hit hard enough? Well GW agrees with you! Enjoy your new psycannons and Nemesis weapons!

Imperial Knights

Just give them Bondsman back! Oh well. Code Chivalric is getting a buff and is now re-roll one hit roll and one wound roll.

Space Wolves

You can now claim a Saga at the end of any turn. This will make it much more easy to collect them, as you now have twice as many opportunities to do so. It's still the character model that has to perform the Saga, though, so this is still going to be a challenge.

World Eaters

Wow! Round of nerfs to World Eaters! Berzerker Glaive, Favored of Khorne, and Daemon princes were all nerfed! Somebody must be thinking World Eaters are in position to take the top spot with the nerfs to Aeldari and CSM.

That was a lot! GW really is willing to change rules when they need to, and they're willing to dig into the minutia. This was incredibly comprehensive, so with points the game stands to change a lot.

I don't know if the changes to Sons of Sanguinius and Champions of Russ are enough to get them on the board. But they're a start. For the factions themselves, we need to look at the point changes. Really worried for Aeldari here. They got sweeping changes! If the point changes are too severe, they might be where Tyranids were at the start of last year.

Biggest winner is Custodes though. That change is going to help them a lot!

Munitorum Field Manual

Adepta Sororitas

We've got a few nerfs here with increases to Arco-flagellants, Exorcists, and Morvenn Vahl. However, Paragon Warsuits have dropped 30 pts while Vahl went up 20 pts. So overall, that package actually went down 10 pts. But now Warsuits might be worth taking on their own. Other than that, a bunch of Sisters infantry got buffed.

Adeptus Custodes

It's all green! Some pretty substantial buffs to Allarus, Guard, and Wardens. Dawn Eagle Jetbikes have also gotten cheaper, though I don't know if it's enough. The Shield-Captain went down 40 pts though and now costs the same as the Allarus Shield-Captain. Custodes are in a good spot!

Adeptus Mechanicus

AdMech just go their Codex and GW doesn't seem ready to weigh in. While some dedicated players have had success, the general impression is they need some love. Hopefully they don't have to wait 6 months for it.

Aeldari

Almost no changes! GW decided they needed new rules and that's it! Night Spinners went up 30 pts while Wraithguard went up 4 pts a model. Warp Spiders remain untouched. This honestly leaves Aeldari with plenty of play. I don't think they're going to be in trouble, but they definitely won't be the top army anymore.

Of course I have said that before . . .

Astra Militarum

The Manticore has gone up 30 pts. While this won't kill Guard Indirect, it's still a nerf. GW does remember that Guard was at the bottom of it's stats, right?

Black Templars

Crusader Squads are now 15 pts per model and Grimaldus and Helbrecht have both gone up to 120. That's going to impact the Templars quite a bit! Those are substantial character nerfs, which always makes me wonder where GW gets these numbers from.

Chaos Daemons

That is a lot of green! Why do Daemons have that much green while Guard got nothing? And even though they talked about troops, there's a lot of characters grabbing buffs here. Great Unclean One, Kairos, Keeper of Secrets, Rotigus, Skarbrand . . . Nurglings and Blue Scribes got nerfed though.

Chaos Knights

Looks like GW is comfortable enough with Towering to start dishing out the buffs to Knights. Again, we've got a lot of green! Only the Brigand got nerfed, and only by 10 pts.

Chaos Space Marines

All the points nerfs Aeldari dodged hit CSM. If it was a tournament staple, it's been nerfed. Granted, I know there were some things here that people wanted pushed more, but I think this will do a good job of bringing CSM down just enough.

Dark Angels

Wait . . . I thought they weren't doing this here? Oh well, here are some buffs anyway! If these buffs carry through to the next MFM after Codex: Dark Angels is officially released, Deathwing could be in a good spot.

Death Guard

Got a few buffs, got a few nerfs. Deathshroud are now 40 pts per model, Bloat-drones are down 10, and the Lord of Virulence and Typhus are both down 20. But Plague Marines went from 16 pts bargains to more in line with other Space Marine profiles at 18 pts. The Plagueburst Crawler also went up 15 pts.

Deathwatch

Weird things are happening here recently, but I'm still surprised this is unchanged.

Drukhari

Was anyone actually taking a Voidraven Bomber? Other than this little bit of silliness, these buffs are some nice ones to go along with the new detachment. Also the cost for those Skyplinter Enhancements are very reasonable.

Genestealer Cults

GW says you are not bringing enough Genestealers in your Genestealer Cults armies! 16 pts a model is much more reasonable.

Grey Knights

Apparently, GW thinks they've fixed the baby carrier. So they're nerfing Librarians by 10 pts. And that's it!

Imperial Knights

Are you not a Warglaive, Gallant, or Atrapos? You got cheaper! It's all buffs for the chivalrous side of Knights!

Leagues of Votann

Apparently GW is worried the Kin are doing a little too good with their last set of buffs. To be fair, Sagitaurs needed a nerf. But they'd really like it if you ran fewer Thunderkyn and Hearthguard.

Necrons

Our soon to be overlords also escape any nerfs in lieu of their Codex having just dropped. If recent performances are predictive, get ready to serve your living metal masters. I know I said this last time, but that was before Canoptek Court and Hypercrypt Legion were a thing. Hopefully we won't have to deal with full power Necrons for 6 months.

Orks

Since the Boyz are still doing pretty well, it's time for more internal balance. Battlewagons are down 15 pts, but Trukks are up 5. Nobz have gone up to 22 pts a model and Squighog Boyz are up to just under 42 pts a model. But lots of vehicles have gone down, including the Morkanaut. Time to grab the red paint and wake up the Speed Freeks!

Space Marines

Oh boy! This is a lot of internal balance changes! Most stuff wasn't touched. But Aggressors, Devastator Centurions, Inceptors, Redemptors, Scouts, and Whirlwinds all went up. Infernus Marines, Outriders, Guilliman, Sternguard, and every variety of Intercessor went down. GW wants to see more Battle-line, dammit!

T'au Empire

With the new Tau box and book on the horizon, these won't matter for very long. Still it's mostly buffs. The lesser played Commanders, Crisis and Enforcers, went down 10 pts each. Riptides went down 15 pts. And Vespid went down to 13 pts a model. However your Crisis bricks just went up to 400 pts. I think Tau will be fine though.

Tyranids

Could we have waited until we weren't so close to the bottom before seeing the internal balance changes, please? Oh well. Big surprise, Deathleaper, Neurolictors, Pyrovores, and Gargoyles all went up in price. Those units were making nearly ever list, so we knew something had to change. In exchange we got buffs to the Broodlord and Genestealers to mirror GSC, Norns got significant buffs, the Screamer-Killer now has a reasonable cost, the Trygon got a little buff, and the Tyrannofex got a massive one to finally fit the rules nerf it took. Oh and the Toxicrene went down, but nobody cares.

World Eaters

GW must really be worried Khornes chosen were ready to claim Aeldari skulls! The Lord of Skulls and Forgefiends both got a buff, but Eightbound, Kharne, and the Master of Executions all got hit. Eighbound aren't back to the silly costs they had, but they're still at over 48 pts and 53 pts per model respectively.

The Rules Commentary

Wait, woah! Really? That's how they're ruling things? Wow! I just opened this and already we're off to a mind blowing start! You can stack the same buff/nerf on units multiple times! The only exception are for auras or for named effects like suppressed. This is potentially huge! Now I want to go through my book and see if there are any abilities I can do this with!

We get a quick clarification that if you add models to a unit on the battlefield, they must be in coherency. Don't think anyone ever played this differently. How models off the battlefield can ever be or not be in coherency, I don't know, but there's a clarification for that too.

We also get a clarification that says that if you can put a unit from Reserves on the table in Battle Round 1 as if it was Battle Round 2, the same unit doesn't act like it's Battle Round 3 if you do it the following round. Again, makes sense and I'm not sure anyone played it any other way.

We get some Battle-shock clarifications. Being destroyed doesn't end Battle-shock. So you can't bring a Battle-shocked unit back with a Stratagem, for example. I could have sworn they spelled this out before, but if a rule makes you take a Battle-shock test for being below Starting Strength in the Battle-shock step, you don't have to take another one for being Below Half-strength. Finally, destroyed units don't take Battel-shock tests.

They've clearly separated the Charge Bonus from other rules that trigger from charging. So if something kills your Charge Bonus, you still get any other rules. Doesn't looked like they've clarified charges when you can't get into Base-to-Base contact. Though again, I don't think anyone plays it so that you don't charge towards the enemy when you make a successful charge.

We get a slight change to the way Contested works to make sure that it applies at the end of a turn as well as the end of a phase. Again, makes sense.

They also clarify order of operations for scoring. Again, I don't think anyone was trying to score Victory points before checking objectives, but there it is.

Here's the first part of the clarification we were told about for Reserves and Transports. Basically unless you are physically moving your models, you don't get to count as having made any kind of move for any other rules. It just means you haven't Remained Stationary and don't get to move again.

Another one that I thought got clarified, if you have a rule that grants you CP in the Command phase, that is not part of CP gained at the start of the phase. So you can't gain anymore CP that battle round.

I could have sworn I saw this somewhere too, wonder if it was part of an event FAQ or something, but Dmg characteristics that have +1 or something in them are not being modified. That's just part of the characteristic.

Oh! Here's an interesting one and a new limit on rules stacking. You can't use two abilities that give you a flat Advance bonus to movement on the same Unit at the same time. Can't think of any faction that can do this off the top of my head, but again this makes sense.

And there it is! Finally! You can disembark from a Transport that arrives from reserves. Finally we get the clarification on this! This doesn't even affect me, and I'm still glad to finally see this!

Again, we have another common sense clarification. When you buy an Enhancement for a Character unit that has more than one model in it, only one model gets the Enhancement.

Oh! Here's an interesting one! Fight-on-death rules all trigger for the unit at once, you do not fight one at a time with each model by themselves. Additionally, all the models are still destroyed at once, so any abilities that are effected by unit strength apply.

Woah! Looks like we're getting some changes to Hazardous! Let's go through these point by point.

If you declare you're firing a Hazardous weapon, you take the test even if you destroy the target and don't fire the weapon.

You get to chose what models with Hazardous weapons suffer from failed tests. If a character fails a test, you can either destroy another model or have the Character take mortal wounds. It just has to be an eligible model with a hazardous weapon.

Mortals from Hazardous tests spill over to the unit normally.

If you allocate a Hazardous test to a Character, Monster, or Vehicle, you have to keep allocating Hazardous tests to that model until all the failed tests have been allocated or the model is destroyed.

When allocating Mortal wounds that have spilled over from a Character, Monster, or Vehicle in a unit, you have to allocate them first to another model with a Hazardous weapon. Once all models with Hazardous weapons are destroyed, you allocate any remaining failed tests or wounds to unit as normal.

Good good good! We now have some pretty clear steps for how to deal with this. Most of the time it's pretty easy, but again, it's nice to have it spelled out. Also, I don't really care much since Tyranids don't have any Hazardous weapons! Kekekek!

We get a little clarification for Objective Secured style abilities. Basically at the end of any phase, if your opponent has more OC on the objective than you do, they gain control as normal. Again, pretty sure everyone played it this way.

Wow! There's a clarification. Instead of trying to figure out or keep track of One Shot weapons and Firing Deck, you just can't use them! I did hear of people trying to cheese this, especially my GSC kin, and apparently GW decided they needed to stamp this down hard!

Redeploy has a quick clarification that yes, you can redeploy a unit with Infiltrators as Infiltrators. This was already there in the commentary, but apparently there was enough debate they needed to spell it out.

Really important with the new Drukhari detachment, we get some specific rules for splitting units. You can only split a unit once, and that split unit changes its Starting Strength to match.

We get some new exceptions to how Vehicles with bases work. You don't have to with 3" of a vehicles base to embark on it, you just have to be within range of the model itself. The same is also true for disembarking.

Finally, we get the much needed clarifications on Ignoring Modifiers. We get a list of characteristics that can ignore modifiers, which is very nice. Being able to ignore modifiers to rolls means all rolls for that unit. And again, they clarify this is not binary and you get to choose what modifiers you ignore.

New to this version is our first full Errata on the Core Rules. We only have three things here, but they're important. The first is the change to Command Re-Roll which rewords it so that it targets a unit and not a roll. This brings it in line with all other Stratagems.

Next we have a clarification on Rapid Ingress specifying the you can use Deep Strike, despite the fact it's not your Movement phase.

Finally, we have the updated wording for controlling objective markers that specify it occurs at the end of any phase or turn.

And that's it! Whew! That's a lot more than I was expecting all around!

Final Thoughts

This really was a lot! GW is not messing around here. However that doesn't mean there weren't any oversights. For some reason, Astra Militarum really didn't get much of anything. They're arguably worse off then they were before. Considering their competitive win rate is around 43%, this is really not good. But other than that, and what we were told not to expect, this is pretty comprehensive!

I guess with that mention of Guard, I should talk about winners and losers. Guard are one of the losers. They got a meaningful rules change, but nothing good enough to change their fortunes. In the mean time, they got a nerf to the Manticore and no buffs to any of their other units. I actually double checked that I didn't miss anything. This is so baffling!

Obviously Aeldari and CSM are also losers. Aeldari saw sweeping rules changes and CSM got a double tap in rules and points. I don't think it's enough to break either faction, but they're definitely not gonna hold their top spots anymore.

World Eaters also lost pretty big. Again, they got rules and points changes, though nothing like what the top dogs got. Still, they had only started to climb up the ranks last I checked. Again, I don't think this is going to drop them too much, but it's not gonna help them.

Templars also took a bit of gut punch. They only got hit in the points though. Many players will argue they were coasting on cheap Crusader Squads. I think Space Marine players will think twice about running them, but dedicated Templar players will probably be fine.

Finally, we have to acknowledge that the AdMech Codex just didn't give the faction the tools they needed. They've had no event wins since their codex dropped. While some of the higher tier players are having success, the faction as a whole needs love.

By contrast, Necrons are winning big for the same reason. With nothing addressing them in this Dataslate and two powerful new detachments, the Dynasties are ready to rise and claim their spot.

I think Drukhari will like their changes too. Their army can genuinely punch hard now, and their new detachment looks like a lot of fun. With the points changes they got, the faction probably got a bit more expensive to run, but a lot more tools to play with.

Orks are also looking good. They've so far managed to stick pretty close to the low 50s for most of this edition. While they saw some nerfs, I don't think they'll hurt most Ork lists. Now they may be able to take vehicles besides trukks with them. They can definitely benefit from the top dogs taking a krumpin.

I think Custodes will also like their changes. A Feel No Pain against Dev Wounds is going to help a lot. And they might be able to get a few more bodies on the board now too.

Knights are in tough spot. They got a lot of points buffs, but they really needed them. They also got a nice rules buff, though only to one of their Oaths. I think they should have just given them Bondsman back. We'll have to see if these change help reverse their fortunes.

Grey Knights are also probably grinding their teeth. The buff to Dreadknights is nice. This will help what should be their primary punching unit actually hit hard enough to matter. But I'm still not sure it's enough. Still, Grey Knights have a lot of room for skilled players to shine. Maybe that little nudge will help them.

All and all, it's going to be brand new meta starting today. It's a new season with new rules. My guess is we'll see something like a General's Handbook soon, and that might further shake things up. I'm excited to see how things pan out!

[poisonedapples]

Murder was never Husk’s sin of choice.

Sure, that all changed when he went to Hell. Demons down here aren’t exactly known for being civil, and death is only permanent when it’s by an angel’s blade. Killing a rowdy patron at his casino was the Earth equivalent of putting a soul in time out. You pissed me off, now go regenerate over in the corner until you’ve learned your lesson. Blood isn’t the scary sight it used to be.

But in life? He never killed. Sure, that didn’t mean he was innocent. Far from it, he did a lot of shit that ruined lives in a way that was maybe worse than death. He was a thief, a fraud, a scammer. He’s sure his actions indirectly killed more people than he’d care to admit. He’s taken a lot from plenty. In a place full of sinners from across the centuries, Husk is long past the point of judging serial killers.

It’s why he used to be friends with one. A cannibalistic one, to boot. But that’s neither here nor there.

He assumes Alastor is different than most murderers. More vicious, maybe, if his whole Radio Demon schtick means anything. He assumes most serial killers don’t eat their victims, so maybe that makes him scarier. Husk has no clue. Alastor just feels…different. He sticks out so much, while staying so hard to read even after decades. But who knows. Maybe Husk just spends too much time around him. The only pastime he has while in Alastor’s control is studying him, anyway.

Being around Alastor feels like what Husk imagines being held in a serial killer’s basement feels like. At first, yeah, sure, it’s terrifying. Cry and shit your pants kind of terrifying. Banging your head against the brick walls in hopes to end it sooner kind of terrifying. But then a decade passes. And another. And another. And you just…get used to it.

Alastor feels different because, at one point, Husk started to see him as human. Which, okay, no one down here is human. Demons condemned to eternal damnation and all that. But still. Even ignoring the whole demons in Hell thing, murderers have always felt like distant monsters. Their violent actions don’t feel real. Not like something a person could do. Someone who killed was nothing more than a villain in Husk’s story of misfortune. They didn’t have redeeming qualities.

When Husk sold his soul, him and Alastor stopped being friends. No shit. There’s only so many times a guy can hold you by the chain around your neck and leave you suffocating before you stop liking him very much. He became Alastor’s main source of amusement. A punching bag, something he could break and break and break until the pain of his own chain being yanked became a distant memory. Until Alastor felt like the Radio Demon again.

He was easy to hate. The concept of Stockholm Syndrome never made sense to Husk before and it sure as shit didn’t now. Husk has had some fucked up relationships in his life but he still didn’t approve of this. Being stabbed, beat, eaten. Claw marks under his chin from Alastor fucking petting him. Patches of feathers missing because Alastor yanked at them like a rowdy toddler with no fine motor skills. Broken bones. The screams Husk let out that Alastor so kindly decided not to broadcast.

Hell didn’t really feel like Hell until now.

So Husk hates him. An evil-ass piece of shit with a God complex and a habit of enjoying human suffering. It’s been decades, Husk still vomits when he has to watch one of Alastor’s broadcasts, how can someone human even be capable of enjoying that shit?

He doesn’t know. But he wishes he could still see Alastor as a monster.

Because now, he knows too much to think of him as anything but human.

It was pitch black outside, and Alastor and Husk were drunk on a bunch of bottles of whiskey. Alastor tells Husk how much he misses his mom, and Husk swears to never tell anyone.

Alastor likes the same jazz artists that he does. Granted, Husk was still a kid when Alastor died listening to them, but talking about the music he grew up on has always been Husk’s weak spot.

Alastor’s smile is fake. Most of the time. With Niffty, it’s not. Mimzy doesn’t deserve a second of Alastor’s good graces, but Husk can only try to warn him so many times about toxic friends before Alastor gets violent.

Him and Vox’s falling out was…pretty shitty, on Vox’s end. Husk pushes him a glass of rye from across the bar counter and tries to explain to this old-fashioned guy why boundaries are important. Just because Vox is a man doesn’t mean he gets to act like that.

Alastor died in his thirties. Husk has a soft spot for the souls that got taken young.

Alastor is desperate for power because he doesn’t know what will happen to him if he’s weak. Husk has to explain to him what a panic attack feels like.

And worst of all, Husk is patching himself up on the floor of Alastor’s new home. It’s the place they’re staying in while Alastor’s on what he calls a “sabbatical”. Husk calls it Hell part two, because Alastor’s temper has been worse now than it ever was before. Which is saying something.

He’s patching up the giant bite ripped out of his thigh when Alastor walks back in through the front door. His smile is crooked, desperate. His neck is bruised in a way that’s only caused by a soul chain. Alastor sits down next to him, and Husk flinches when he lays a hand on his shoulder. But he doesn’t scratch him. Just relishes in the comfort, and the shadows in the room dance around him, worried about their demented leader.

Husk starts humming old jazz tunes. When Alastor relaxes, Husk feels himself relax too.

So, yeah.

Maybe Stockholm Syndrome isn’t that confusing after all.

I need more of Husk being horrifically abused by Alastor. This is a neglected market that needs to be tapped into more

[ainosk8]

EP 8 ADAM WATCH

i cannot believe i am being emotionally ravaged by an anime about skater boys........but here we are! let’s relive the trauma so we’re ready to be ruined again on saturday 

I wanna start with the show’s religious symbolism. I had originally taken the whole Adam/Eve thing to be just part of Adam’s schtick, but with this episode it feels like something the show is trying to lean into thematically. 

So in flashback we see Adam skating dangerously with someone (unnamed). He expresses wanting to escape the real world and go to a world just for the two of them, a Garden of Eden with himself as Adam and this skater as his would-be Eve. Unfortunately, in pursuit of Adam this skater falls and is injured.

This shot even kind of looks like Adam standing alone in a garden. 

From this scene we gather that when Adam says “Eve”, he’s talking about someone who can match his abilities in skating and I guess propel the two of them into a higher plane of existence? Maybe just inhabiting that feeling of skating with someone at his level is what “Eden” means to him. Skating is his escape from the trauma of his actual life and Eden from the bible is a perfect place, without pain. Interestingly, some of the lyrics from the theme song “Paradise” relate to this idea:

“Let’s risk our lives”, “Before we get killed by the world” and “The destination is Zion” in particular stand out to me. Even though we haven’t seen Adam injured yet, he is risking his own life just as much as his partner’s when he pulls the stunts he does. It’s worth the danger if it gets him closer to “Zion”, AKA (i had to google it) “the heavenly city or kingdom of heaven”. Maybe he sincerely has a death wish, but doesn’t want to go alone. Dark!

A big question I had watching this was, if Tadashi is this amazing skater whose skills rival Adam’s, why is he not his Eve? Well, bc in this metaphor, he has been labelled the Snake, or the deceptive serpent that facilitated Adam and Eve’s expulsion from the Garden of Eden. If Adam blames Tadashi for having skating taken away from him when he was a teenager (since he didn’t intervene in front of Adam’s father), I can see why Adam would view him that way. But Adam didn’t choose this name, Tadashi did.

Tadashi’s goal in entering the tournament is to defeat Adam and force him to quit skating, which would mean giving up on the “Eden” he’s pursued since his teen years. I’m not certain of his motivation here. 

Is it retaliation for asking Tadashi to take the fall for his political career? If that’s what he’s upset about, why not force Adam to take responsibility for his part in the collusion and plead guilty to perjury? Even after this interaction, Adam seems sure that Tadashi will take the heat for him.

It’s clear Tadashi knows that taking skating away from Adam is the thing that will hurt him the most. He wants to hurt him. But he also cares about him, or at least the person he used to be. He gently touches the intertwined hearts at the bottom of the pool he and Adam use to practice skating. It’s probably the same place he first taught Adam to skate.

I love the light behind Tadashi in this flashback. It really makes him look like an angel appearing to baby Adam to give him some reprieve from his hellish existence.

And now he’s going to rip it away from him.

His face here SCREAMS betrayal. Even if Tadashi does accept the perjury charge in Adam’s place, just telling Adam he plans to take skating away from him, the one Good Thing he’s ever had in his life, that Tadashi gave him in the first place...it’s the cruelest thing he could do. Losing his political career would cause trouble for him, but losing skating would leave him with nothing.

It’s possible that Tadashi isn’t being petty, and that he thinks hurting him this way is for Adam’s own good. Which is a pretty upsetting parallel to his aunts’ abuse.

Tying it back to religion, I wonder if there is something about this trio of aunties that is symbolic. The holy trinity comes to mind, as does the Mother, Maiden, Crone Triple Goddess of pagan worship. I’m not enough of a biblical scholar to say for sure, but maybe something about God punishing the beings he created... God let his son die for humanity’s sins...The Flood from Genesis (the police lady does mention the shady diet member’s collusion is related to a dam, and if that wasn’t up to code there could be a flood)..?? idk

If the big honking angel painting is any indication, religion clearly has a place in the Shindo household. Someone who knows more about the bible please weigh in cuz I wanna know 

SPEAKING OF BIBLE

Fun fact: The name of Joe’s Italian restaurant “Sia la luce” google translates to “Let there be light”. Shoutout to the friend I was watching this with for pausing on this frame, or I wouldn’t have noticed it.

This is a reference to God’s creation of Heaven and Earth, but perhaps also symbolic of Joe’s desire to bring Adam back “into the light” and away from his destructive behavior. Cherry seems more spiteful towards Adam than Joe does, but they both seem to want to reach out and snap Adam out of his current mindset rather than just looking to punish/get revenge. There are hurt feelings, sure, but also concern.

“And God saw the light, and it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.” As someone who cares for Adam (or the person he once was), Joe wants to show him right from wrong, show him the error of his ways.

Cherry says this in episode five:

Even though Cherry and Joe were against Adam’s actions, they never wanted to stop being friends with him. When Adam left for America right after high school, they lost their chance to get through to him. They still want mend that relationship, or at least reconcile how it ended seven years later, or else they wouldn’t bother to keep approaching him. 

Based on the title for the next ep “We Were Special Back Then” I’m betting we’ll see even more of their perspective this weekend. 

I hope Cherry and Joe will be able to help him 🥺 It’s hard for me to imagine a happy ending for my guy at this point, but......I continue to hope 

[shirtlesssammy]

15x17 Bullet Point Rambles

We MAY be doing some squeaking during this THEN sequence. Billie! Cas! The Empty! WE’RE FINE

Boris: Amara is reading Murakami? That’s the ONE book of his I haven’t read

The stars begin to fall and Amara knows Chuck HATH ARRIVED (We like Amara even more now)

Sam’s giving Dean the silent treatment. (Boris: Boys you have 4 episodes to GET IT TOGETHER)

Amara wishes she could get to know Jack. The SECRETS in this crew, people. Also…AUNTIE AMARA!

Sam is Jack’s sad dad :(

Sam uses the phrase BLINDLY FOLLOWING ORDERS to accuse Dean of doing the wrong thing and we are LIVING

Dean THEN says “Jack’s not family” and we both gasp in shock. DEAN! You wash your goddamn fucking mouth out right now. Anyway, he takes Jack out to meet his doom and we sarcastically slow clap under Dean’s nose

Sam and Cas connect in the bunker, bonding over trying to find another way. ALL THE HEARTS

Amara and Chuck reconnect and…we get an “Amara” title card? Iiiiiiinteresting

Chuck asks Amara’s help to do a hard reset (Chuck is grossed out by Amara/Dean? Excuse us as we cry/laugh at this) Amara wants to defend the world and we shout PROTECT

“Why did I go with carbon based life?” Chuck laments. Humans ruin everything!

Amara zaps Chuck up to Heaven. I like that Amara’s doing the ghost of Christmas present schtick

FANDOM please make us a million gifs of Amara’s reaction shots from this episode for reasons

Amara proposes “balance” between herself and Chuck, but he’s not into sharing. She zaps Chuck into the Winchester’s bunker trap. DAMN GIRL

Me: DON’T KILL our precious sunflower, Amara!

Dean enjoys awkward moments with Jack and we get our next title card: “Dean”

Jack tells Dean that he understands that he’s not family and I love Dean but ALSO hope he feels like SHIT right now. Yessss YESSSSS give me that sweet angst

Dean and Jack end up at a “Southwest jewelry” shop - featuring Adam and————- Serafina. SERAFINA IS AN ANGEL whaaaat is happening

Adam’s ready for vengeance against Chuck and he’s partnering with Billie to do it

Jack has to pick a crystal - one touched by God. (Boris: this is like the tradition of picking the Dalai Lama like in King of the Hill, right?)

Jack sees all the crystals as being touched by God. Their existence makes them divine, because God is in everything. “At least he should be,” Adam grumbles

Serafina stabs the heck out of Adam and he actually says, “DUDES, chill” and I can’t even. She pulls out his rib

Adam’s rib is strong enough to create life OR destroy God. It will turn Jack into a bomb if he touches it. <Insert meta about his rib aka women being the strongest life force>

Boris: Hey, Jack. Sweetie? Maybe hand the bag with the power rib over to Dean to hold for safe keeping

Dean “apologizes” in his own special half ass way for what Jack overheard in the bunker. He tries to explain that learning about Chuck’s control meant that he felt like he wasn’t alive. He thanks Jack for what he’s about to do. (Me: NOT ENOUGH, DEAN-O) (He’ll get there, I know, I know)

“Sam” is our next title card and we are ready for feelings. He and Cas commiserate about their feelings of hopelessness and yet…immense sense of wrongness in the situation. Sam remembers the key to Death’s library from that one time Sergei was visiting (because he operates best under major trauma?)

We get a MONTAGE of box opening until they find the KEY. Yes, please! I am always down for a trip to a library!

Sam tells Cas to stay behind to stop Dean (Us: Distract him with a sexy strip-tease!)

Sam finds a whole bunch of dead reapers in the library. Guessing that’s not by design. Someone shrieks in the distance, which can only mean wholesome things!

Meg as the Empty is holding court! God, I love that they brought Rachel Miner back <3 She dead-ifies another reaper while Sam looks on

The Empty is pissed at all the manipulation from Death, from God. (We love that the sweetest person plays these dark characters. QUEEN)

Only Billie can read Death’s books, so the Empty can’t read Chuck’s book

Sam LIES HIS ASS OFF and tells the Empty that Billie sent him so, like, plz don’t kill him or hurt him? SAM FUCKING WINCHESTER tells The Empty that he needs to fetch Chuck’s book. BALLS OF STEEL, THIS ONE (Boris: That was a very beautiful Sam moment)

Meanwhile, Chuck and Amara exchange broody looks. She tries to convince him to make the right choice and then he tells her to “shut up.” We’ll have to slap him, now

Chuck feeds on Dean shoving Jack to his end. He is SUPER PLEASED with his manipulation

Dean PULLS. A. GUN. on Sam. FFS

Chuck reveals the truth about their plan to Amara OUR SUNFLOWER and Dean and Sam engage in fisticuffs. WELL SHIT

Amara’s heart gets broken and WE ARE DECEASED NOOOOO how did we come to care for her so much? Chuck implores Amara to create something new and beautiful with him. Ooooooo honey you can’t trust him. She takes his hand and gets absorbed into him. Gross

Dean attempts to lose his shit at Sam, but Sam implores him to remember how he’s protected him from Dad, Lucifer, everything. EYEBALLS EMOJI. Sam cries and we are EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED

Sam talks Dean down but it’s too fucking late, baby boys! Chuck emerges all juiced up with his sister’s essence, and complains that they’ve ruined his story AGAIN

Jack collapses and the next stop is dead baby boy central! WE ARE SHOCKED that the episode is over! When is next week? Oh god, next week is the US election. We need to be…encased in some very soft blankets. Please, join us in our blanket fort WHERE NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS! See ya next week, babes

[jackoshadows]

Look, Jaime isn’t a pure baby angel, obviously he’s guilty of some serious shit - but why have you made such a point criticising him for hanging *outlaws* lol. They’re not just hungry men on the road, they’re often murderers and rapists - that’s why the Elder Brother tells Brienne they’re to be feared, not because they’re nicking a few chickens. Of course he advocates for pity as well but he’s a *priest*, his whole schtick to be charitable towards those who deserve the least

I make such a point about Jaime and the outlaws because I am a bit tired of hearing about Jaime’s non-existent redemption arc in the series to be honest.

I was just on another forum where folks were discussing GRRM’s possible book ending. And quite a few of them were sure that Dany is going to have the same narrative arc and ending in the books as on the show, only, GRRM will write it better. Jaime on the other hand will definitely have a different ending because he’s ultimately a good guy on a redemption arc.

The point of contrasting Jaime’s thoughts on those outlaws to Septon Meribald’s ‘Broken Man’ speech is to show that Jaime still does not get it - that his version of justice is warped and arrogant. There is no true remorse or regret there. Hanging those outlaws was ultimately self-serving. It was about Jaime feeling good about himself - not about introspecting on his actions.

Look at this:

No Wodes appeared, nor any of their smallfolk, though some outlaws had taken shelter in the root cellar beneath the second brother’s keep. One of them wore the ruins of a crimson cloak, but Jaime hanged him with the rest. It felt good. This was justice. Make a habit of it, Lannister, and one day men might call you Goldenhand after all. Goldenhand the Just.

GRRM is pointing out the ‘ruins of a crimson cloak’ that one of them wore but Jaime hangs him all the same and it feels good and he feels like he meted out justice.

And then we get the introspection that Jaime should have done, but with Septon Meribald’s speech who tells Brienne why these hungry outlaws exist in the first place.

If they want new boots or a warmer cloak or maybe a rusted iron halfhelm, they need to take them from a corpse, and before long they are stealing from the living too, from the smallfolk whose lands they’re fighting in, men very like the men they used to be.  The broken man lives from day to day, from meal to meal, more beast than man. Lady Brienne is not wrong. In times like these, the traveler must beware of broken men, and fear them…but he should pity them as well.”

And no, the point of Septon Meribald in the books is not about his shtick as a priest - it’s about GRRM giving us the perspective of the small folk experiencing this war, when we have been seeing it from the POV of the highborn, the Lords and their children so far. We are now reading the perspective of the common soldiers who fight in this war.

The point is that Jaime Lannister is responsible for the WOT5K. His careless incestuous adultery with the Queen and the 3 resulting children - about whom he did not give a damn - is what leads to everything that happens in Westeros after Ned goes to KL.

Even his abandoning Cersei comes because, once again, his pride is hurt that she had affairs and slept with other men.

The point is that we are in book 4, A Feast for Crows, and Jaime Lannister is still enforcing Lannister rule in the south.

"When the castle falls, all those inside will be put to the sword. Your herds will be butchered, your godswood will be felled, your keeps and towers will burn. I'll pull your walls down, and divert the Tumblestone over the ruins. By the time I'm done no man will ever know that a castle once stood here."..."You'll want your child, I expect. I'll send him to you when he's born. With a trebuchet."

What a nice guy, that Jaime Lannister.

He sends off Brienne to do the work needed for the oaths he swore to Catelyn.

He does nothing about poor Jeyne Poole being send off to marry Ramsay Bolton up North. He feels pity for this traumatized girl who has to pretend to be Arya, but oh well, the North has to be secured for the Lannisters and that’s more important.

Contrast his ‘arc of redemption’ to that of Theon Greyjoy who feels true remorse and regret for his actions, guilt for murdering those boys, and who risks everything to help save a nobody like Jeyne Poole - the same Jeyne Poole that Jaime Lannister pities but refuses to help because Lannister rule comes first - from the clutches of Ramsay Bolton.

The point of the outlaws is that Jaime Lannister is still the same arrogant, self absorbed, self-pitying, entitled Lannister he has always been - even in book 4. He is humbled a bit by losing his hand and engulfed in even more self-pity than usual. But there has been no true growth or change in him as a character that we are yet to read about.

[beatricethecat2]

if/then (2.0) - 21

NOTE: Read chapter 20 first, posted right before this one as I’m posting two chapters today.

////////////////

Myka nurses a top-shelf scotch as she stares out into Cardiff Bay, thankful the hotel bar's deserted at this late hour. Several boats glide silently by then disappear, docking near twinkling lights beyond her view. Are their crews winding down from a jam-packed day like hers? If so, she hopes theirs was less taxing interpersonally.

Her latest sale was rather tenuous, having dragged on for months beforehand. The museum was selling; then they weren't, then they were, to the point where it was hard to keep track. But Myka, ever vigilant with correspondence, managed to convince the assistant director to convince the director she was the one to sell to, should they sell. Though having to go that extra mile isn't a one-off occurance as Los Angeles doesn't hold the weight of New York.

After several phone conversations, they agreed to an in-person showing, but not until after the holidays. So here she is, in Cardiff, three months into the New Year, having taken the train in from London after an early morning work appointment there.

Upon arrival, she was whisked away to an unexpectedly late lunch with the assistant director, the director, and several key museum administrators. Which was fine overall, but she'd liked to have known earlier, so she could have prepared on the train. She was given a tour of their modern and contemporary wings afterward, then paraded around the inner workings of their offices.

The staff all had stars in their eyes when greeted by the assistant director. He was a relatively new hire, earnest and knowledgeable, but straight out of a PHD program. She saw right through the tours; they were meant to impress her, to compensate for his lack of real-world experience. She acted impressed, so this sale could finally be over.

He instantly took a shine to her, which, honestly, happened way too often. If she had a dollar for every dude that came on to her, she'd buy a nice bottle of whiskey to drown them out. But part of the business was finding an "in" with clients, so she didn't read too much into it. She'd let it run its course to get what she came for but keep her distance. But then the invitation to tonight's museum fundraiser threw her for a loop.

Did he think she was interested in him, for real? He was handsome enough, but just a kid, so maybe he didn't know the rules yet. She'd invested so much time negotiating; it'd be a shame to lose the acquisition now. So she agreed to his plus one but left early and sent all the right signals. After Luiza, she treated everyone with due diligence, right from day one.

She swirls her scotch in her tumbler then swallows a generous swig. Thoughts of Luiza are still fraught with guilt. Last fall was a hell of a rollercoaster ride.

Luiza's advances marked the expiration of Myka's scorned lover schtick as if the headcanon she'd so careful parked in was towed away overnight. By morning, the entire block was filled with cast trailers and a film crew. The only clue to where she was moved was a flimsy list pinned to a pole. When she found her new location, the surrounding neighborhood was unrecognizable. Familiarizing herself with the new landscape took time.

“I was chapado. We both were," Luiza had pleaded, and added, in her defense, that her friends had egged her on. She was disappointed Myka didn't feel the same way she did, but admitted her follow-through could have been better. And if Myka'd found someone she cared for…well, good for her. She hoped they could still be friends.

Myka couldn't decide, in her bleary, hungover state, if Luiza was sorry or faking it. In fact, she'd hoped Luiza would be gone, too embarrassed to face her actions. But there she was, being an adult, or, desperately hanging on to her mark. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" was all she could think of, so she agreed to keep Luiza around.

Luiza stayed one more night before taking off for a two-month residency, because what more could she glean from her, anyway? Myka played the friend she was before but was on pins and needles the entire time. The minute Luiza left town, she found a payphone and called the number Morgana gave her. She arranged for a meeting as soon as physically possible.

It became clear, once she met the woman, it wouldn't have been a stretch to fake-date her. Morgana clearly knew how to twist reality efficiently. But now, much to her horror, the woman said she should follow the Abigail angle. In the meantime, she'd get in touch with Morgana and arrange for a sweep of her apartment. Morgana would look into Luiza's intentions as well.

A light, blinking rapidly, draws her out of her thoughts, its origin, a vessel built for pleasure rather than commerce. The sight of revelers on the deck sends a shiver up her spine; it must be colder on the water than on the dock. Then again, they're probably immune to the chilly weather if alcohol is powering their party. She downs the last of her drink, and as it burns down her throat, signals for another.

Is it a holiday here? She'd heard something about a St. David's day, but she's not sure that's today. Holidays aren't her favorite thing lately as her last few holidays sucked.

Thanksgiving was awful, to say the least. Abigail came to visit, but Luiza did too, as she'd insisted on meeting Abigail in the flesh. How could she say no without raising suspicions? She had no choice but to acquiesce.

With no word from Morgana, she'd become increasingly paranoid, merely a vessel following a strict set of rules. She cursed Helena for disappearing, leaving her pining away, worried sick, upping the stakes so high she had to abandon all autonomy. But then again, if Helena hadn't intervened, she'd probably be incarcerated, her career ruined for good. Her whole world was collapsing in on her, her agency stripped of meaning. How did Morgana do this every day without it crushing her soul?

But Thanksgiving, wow, that was a trial by fire. Both Luiza and Abigail took her aside, acknowledging what a hard day it was for her considering the events of last year. As the day progressed, Luiza pushed her towards Abigail while Abigail pushed her towards Luiza. She ran out for more wine to get a breather, her apartment too small to contain their competing personalities.

But the real slog came after Luiza left LA when she had to broach the subject of a fake relationship with Abigail. She needed somewhere they wouldn't be overheard, so she suggested going on a hike. She picked Mount Hollywood as it was easy to get to and packed with tourists. Rather ironically, when they arrived, it was partially closed due to a movie shoot.

"I need to tell you something," Myka said, pressing against the fence, scanning the vast valley radiating out from Dante's View. "Luiza's spying on me."

Abigail's laugh, nearly a bark, came out so loud, the couple next to them moved farther away. "If you don't want to date her, that's fine, but Myka, really."

"I'm not sure who she's working for, but it's someone looking for Helena."

"You can't be serious."

"I am."

"She's your friend!"

"I'm not so sure." Myka looked around, too many people milling about snapping photos. "Let's walk and talk, and I'll explain. And, I, um...I have a huge favor to ask."

She'd flip-flopped over how to handle this, but decided on a modified version of the truth. She sweated bullets laying out her evidence, then introducing the fake relationship idea. She needed an alibi until she figured out what was going on and asked Abigail if she'd be willing to help. Abigail listened carefully, prodding for details like only a therapist would then went silent as they circled back toward the observatory.

"I think she's only information gathering, but still, I'm kinda scared," Myka said.

"I'm speechless," Abigail said. "I can't believe you're still cleaning up Helena's mess."

"It's my fault. I should have figured this out earlier."

"Why? You're just living your life."

"But, I was part of that mess."

"Not on purpose."

“True.” False

"On the off chance you're right, I'll play along. But we better lay out some ground rules, or this could get ugly." Abigail slipped an arm through Myka's as they walked back to the bus stop. They laughed out loud as they plotted out a plan.

Claudia, in the meantime, dug as deep as she could. From her end, Luiza was clean. But Myka kept her guard up; with zero word from Morgana, something was not quite right. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she would, eventually.

Christmas came and went without a word from Helena. She checked her phone obsessively while at her parents, but no call came.

But then a miracle happened. At the gate for her flight to visit Claudia and Abigail for New Year's, someone sat next to her and bent down, fiddling with their bag.

"Excuse me," a woman's voice asked as she sat back up. She held out a piece of paper. "Is this yours?"

"I don't …oh!" Myka replied, recognizing the woman. She took the slip of paper and read it over its contents. It was a receipt with a number scribbled in the margin.

"For next time," Morgana said, telescoping her luggage handle out as she stood. "And for the record, you have an admirer, nothing more."

"Really? That's—"

The loudspeaker crackled to life, announcing boarding for Group A.

"After takeoff, check your bag, but not a moment before." Morgana's smile was the kind a stranger might give you at the airport. But Myka saw a genuine smile hidden underneath. It was oddly reassuring.

"Happy New Year," Morgana said, and then walked off, promptly disappearing into the crowd.

Group C was called eminently, and Myka boarded the plane. As she settled into her seat, she peeked into her bag; nestled next to her laptop was an envelope that previously wasn't present. Probably information about Luiza to ease her mind, or so she hoped, as her mind needed easing. Luiza having genuine feelings for her, and not being a spy was hard to grasp. She was under so much pressure, she had to judge her harshly, right? And with Abigail, how was she going to explain that Luiza was no longer a threat? The guilt bearing down on her was making her queasy.

The minute the seatbelt sign went off, she fished the envelope out of her bag. She opened it carefully and slid out a card. A Christmas card, to be exact, one adorned with a half-wreath of various evergreens and "Merry Christmas" spelled out in Celtic Languages: Breton, Cornish, Irish, Manx, Scottish, and Welsh.

"Wishing you the happiest of Christmases and best of luck in the New Year," the flowing, handwritten script read upon opening. "All the best to your family and friends. We've been hoping for snow so we may go sledding, but thus far, a White Christmas eludes us. We wish you were here to celebrate. Sending all our love."

Then printed below, "What's green, covered in tinsel and goes 'ribbit ribbit'?" Blocky letters were accompanied by a cartoonish drawing of a frog on a lily pad, the word "ribbit" projecting from its mouth, with tinsel and mistletoe added in the appropriate colors. She turned the card over for the answer, and there in sparkly red and green bubble letters read, "A Mistle-toad!"

A Christmas cracker joke, she was sure of it. The card wasn’t signed, but it had to be from Helena and Christina. Her hands trembled as she read their messages over and over—

"So sorry to disturb, Ms. Bering, but this came for you earlier at the front desk." The bartender slides a manila envelope toward her.

"Thanks." She turns it over, looking for signs of who it was from. Hopefully, not one last attempt by the assistant director to woo her. She finishes her drink as she reads over the papers. It looks like she's staying on to check out a potential purchase.

She's been rerouted like this before to view items in people's homes, even more since a man in New York found a Schiele in a thrift store. While it's rarely lead to anything exceptional, the thrill of the chase is ever-present. She skims over the info as she walks toward her room.

"Ang-har-ad," she mouths out loud as the name's unfamiliar to her. She hunkers down in a comfy chair and types it into a search engine. Several Angharad Llewellyns pop up, but the one she's visiting isn't listed. She checks the pronunciation, Ang-HAH-rad or Ann-HARAD. Not that different than how it's spelled, in the land where W's can be vowels.

The town she's visiting is only an hour north of Cardiff, but the landscape changes radically. She knows this for a fact because after receiving Helena's card, she became obsessed with the area. Thoughts of snow led her to remember a quip Helena threw out once about "stealing off to the Black Mountains" with Christina. At the time, she thought it was a joke, but every quip was a clue in hindsight.

"The Black Mountains have the feel of a landscape only partially tamed by human habitation," one guidebook said. "Tiny villages, isolated churches, and enchanting lanes are folded into an undulating green landscape." But not as isolated as Guernsey or the Hebrides. The more she researched, the more likely they seemed.

First off, there was a sprawling food festival in Abergavenny, which from their site, was very much up Christina's alley. Plus a huge music festival in the heart of the mountains that Helena would certainly want to attend. And although she doesn't see Christina as a nature girl, she'd want to summit a mountain nicknamed "The Cat's Back." Plus Cardiff and Bristol were only a day trip way. Tiny villages maybe, but with vibrant life surrounding them.

She and Claudia scoured social media, hoping to find Helena and Christina unknowingly caught in someone's event photos. And if they had gone sledding, maybe there was a glimpse of them in the background of someone's videos. Plus Christina had to be in a school trip picture somewhere; now they could narrow their search. Helena and Christina couldn't be entirely invisible; she and Claudia just had to think out of the box.

----------

If her travel wasn't prearranged, she'd have taken a route north through Pontypridd, but her train takes her north-east through the aging steel town of Newport. It then snakes mildly north-west following a deep, sloping valley, past towns full of undulating brick row houses, into increasingly rising hills. She disembarks at Ebbw Vale Town where a cab is waiting for her. The row houses vanish the second the road enters Brecon Beacons Park where a vista of verdant but barren green hills fills her view. As they drive ever higher, fluffy sheep stare out from the side of the road. All of her research suddenly comes to life.

It feels as if she was lost in an alien landscape when houses begin to appear again. Clumps of trees dot the land, itself marked off in squares, the telltale signs of farms crisscrossing the hills. The driver turns sharply, then sharply again, and the road becomes buried in trenches of hedgerows. It's frustrating to be blinded, but they slow and stop at a junction where a sign points toward towns like Bwlch, Aberhonddu, and Crughywel. There's even a small sign advertising the inn where she's staying. Minutes later, they're there, though "there" isn't near much of anything. The road barely fits two lanes and is filled with residential houses.

The cabbie carries her suitcase in and exchanges few words with a flannel-clad, grey-haired woman behind the bar. The Welsh language is an unfamiliar sound, but from their tone, they seem friendly. He tips his hat to her as he makes his way back to his car.

"Welcome to the Red Lion! You must be our last minute booking," the woman says, tapping and scrolling on a tablet computer. "My-ka Bering?"

"Myka. Yes."

"Three nights is it?"

"I guess? I didn't make the reservation." Work must really want this item, as its usually only one or two.

"Not here for the mountain walks, are you, love?"

Myka glances at her low heels; they wouldn't make it far on a hiking trail. Nor would the formal clothes she's wearing. The look on the woman's face says she's thinking the same thing. "I'm meeting a client at Harry's Garage. How can I get there from here?"

"Harry know you're coming?" The woman asks, her tone suddenly wary.

"I think so? I just got rerouted from Cardiff."

"That accent Canadian?"

"No, American."

"Ah, American." The woman smiles. "Harry's just down the road, past the church, round the corner to your left. Could walk it in a flash, but in those shoes, I'd stick to the road. Been raining cyllyll a ffyrcs, mud's nearly drowning us all."

"Um…ok?" Whatever that meant, she's definitely not dressed right for this excursion.

"Might want to be off before the next gale blows through. Leave your bag. I'll drop it in your room."

"Thanks." Myka takes her key and slips it into her jacket pocket then grabs her tote with the envelope. "Which way's the church?"

"Right on your way out, then left at the phone box."

Myka exits the inn and stands amongst the picnic benches, gaining her bearings in the pub garden. A light, misty drizzle falls, not hard enough to warrant an umbrella, but dampening none the less. It must be ever-present in this part of the world. The locals probably barely notice it.

She sets off to the right, past several houses, the older ones situated at odd angles to the road. The church appears soon after, sporting a weather-worn graveyard as picturesque as they come. It reminds her of a passage from a Henry James book on travel, one she bought for a quarter at a library sale.

"The church I speak of was a beautiful specimen of it's kind—intensely aged, variously patched, but still solid and useful, with no touch of restoration," he wrote. "I say the roads were empty, but they were peopled with the big primroses I just now spoke of—primroses of the size of ripe apples and yet, in spite of their rank growth, of as pale and tender a yellow as if their gold had been diluted by silver."

The flowers blooming here could very well be primroses. She strays from the road toward a monument to take a closer look. But the minute she steps off the path, her shoe sinks into the ground. "Stick to the road," she mutters as she yanks her shoe out and tries to shake off the wet residue.

She continues on, passing even more houses and takes a left at a fork, where a red phone box is standing guard. A long, stone wall fills one side of the road, but as it comes to an end, a fading sign advertising Harry's Garage hangs from a pole. An arrow points toward a driveway, which she follows to a matching stone building. A bell dings as she enters a dim, window lit room where a man, probably in his sixties, sits at a wooden counter. He's surrounded by paperwork, some clipped together, others lying loose and is completely absorbed in a newspaper.

"More Brexit nonsense," he mumbles, not looking up from the page.

"Pardon me?"

"Say the Prime Minister's meant to visit the Vale of Glamorgan. She can shove right off," he grunts, folding his paper and setting it aside. "What can I do for you, love?"

"I'm here to see Angharad Llewellyn." She stresses the middle syllable as she learned online.

"Come to see Harry, then?" he asks.

"If Angharad is Harry, then yes?" Woman garage owner? In the middle of nowhere? This should be interesting.

"She expecting you?"

"I think so? My job made the appointment. I have these papers." Myka digs around in her bag and pulls out the envelope.

"What's that accent, love?"

"American."

"Ah, American. Yes." He nods to himself as if ticking off a choice on a list in his head.

"Harry's round back, but keep to the wall. Those shoes won't survive the muck." He looks down at her shoes then points with his thumb to a corridor behind him.

"Thank you," Myka says and walks behind him, into the corridor. It leads to a door, which she opens tentatively, then steps out onto a concrete landing. It overlooks a muddy lot littered with partially dismantled cars, tractors, and motorcycles, with a shed towards the back with an overhang. In front sits a vehicle with its hood propped open. She makes her way along the wall as instructed, but even then, her heels sink into the earth.

As she approaches the aging Land Rover, she sees a slight figure bent over the motor, dressed in brown coveralls, the peak of a fluorescent orange hat visible over the chassis. To gain solid footing, she steps up onto the concrete. She's now behind the woman, but the woman seems unaware of her approaching. She moves closer; the woman's perched on a wooden crate sunk into the mud, yanking something out from deep within the engine. She contemplates waiting until she's done, but doesn't know how long that might be. Plus, she doesn't want to scare her when she turns around.

"Angharad?" Myka says. She waits a few moments but gets no response.

"Angharad," she repeats, louder, more directional. There's the sound of a ratchet in action, but no other movement otherwise.

"Harry?" she tries, stepping closer this time. The woman seems to sink further into the car.

"Harry!" she yells, stepping forward, but looses her footing, toppling off the patio and into the mud. She grabs hold of the thing closest to her, which happens to be Harry's coveralls. Harry's head shoots up, and with a thud, the hood's knocked off of its support.

"Bollocks!" Harry cries as the hood clamps down on her, the car nearly swallowing her whole. Myka swiftly lifts the hood back up and reseats it on its pole. She helps Harry slide out of the engine cavity settle onto the crate again.

"I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"

With arm gripping her midriff, Harry leans forward over the engine, breathing heavily as if catching her breath.

"I called your name, but you didn't hear me," Myka says. She tries to move back to the concrete, but her foot is now stuck in the mud. "I didn't want to scare you."

"You failed," Harry grumbles, popping a set of earbuds out of her ears, gasping as their eyes meet. Myka's hand flies up to her chest, and she topples backward, her stuck shoe twisting as she grabs at the car chassis to stay standing. Helena flies off the crate, jumping behind her, her strong arms circling Myka's waist. She pushes her upright, her entire body pressing against Myka's, heart beating so wildly it's as if it's pumping directly into Myka's veins.

-TBC-

NOTE: cyllyll a ffyrcs = knives ansd forks, a Welsh idiom like raining cats and dogs. An even better one is "hen wragedd a ffyn" - old ladies and sticks.

[autumn-in-phandom]

Dan and Phil play Dream Daddy

MEET DILDDY LESTOWELL

I loved this video! I was dying of laughter in the first fifteen minutes and just had to make timestamps. Very very long under the cut.

0:00 Phil is wearing his rainbow zebra shirt! Being his best self.

0:03 Wow was that second “daddies” necessary Phil? (Yes, it was.)

0:42 “Cause you know Dan and Phil they like to have the raw naked-”- Dan

0:45 “Immersion”- Phil

0:46 “They just like to go in-”- Dan

0:47 “Are you saying we’re going to have to be blurring some things-”- Phil

0:48 “Bare. What?”- Dan (what?)

0:58 “Give me that Daddiest graphics.”- Phil

1:00 “Oh it’s like Yuri on Ice.”- Dan

1:10 Phil will be a long haired vampire in ten years. Yes, something to look forward to.

1:25 “Phil, don’t do your chin like that, you’re fine.”- Dan (damn fine)

2:07 “Is that your best dad voice?”- Dan

2:14 “Do you wanna be Dad?”- Phil (sass)

2:15 “Phil, everyone wants you to be Dad.”- Dan (the honest truth)

2:34 “Moving house? Oh my god!”- Dan (omg!)

2:45 “Coordinating the headband with the nails.”- Dan (noticing the important stuff)

2:46 “Definitely.”- Phil

2:53 Phil’s yawn, wtf was that? Sounds like a dog.

2:55 “Are you American now?”- Dan

2:56 “I don’t knowww.”- Phil (poor frustrated Phil)

3:03 “Build that Dad!”- in sync

3:30 “Dilddy! No?”- Phil (Dan’s face)

3:36 “Yeah sure. Let’s not think about that anymore Phil.”- Dan

4:04 “Thor. We just made Thor by accident.”- Phil (always with the Thor)

4:07 “Ah the bun hair.”- Dan

4:08 “Man bun.”- Phil

4:09 “That’s very like modern dad aesthetic.”- Dan

4:12 “That’s quite Dil-y”- Phil

4:13 “That’s the most Dil-esque, I think.”- Dan

4:19 “Heart eyes.”- Phil

4:20 “SENPAI!!!”- Dan

4:30 “Can you just have heart eyes the entire game?”- Dan (are you asking for permission Dan?)

4:31 “The whole time.”- Phil

4:32 “Is that just going to ruin the game?”- Phil (no.)

4:33 “Would that be slightly distracting?”- Dan (well, yes.)

4:58 “Noman Rose.”- Phil (has a bit of a Roman nose)

5:10 They love the lips, sassy mouths

5:39 “He banged it on some kind of exercise equipment.”- Phil

5:40 “Wrestling another dad for territory.”- Dan (sure)

5:45 “Yes!”- Phil is excited by facial hair options (and I’m excited for him)

5:50 “More people should have black hair and blonde beards.”- justifying your ginger eyebrows Phil?

5:51 Dan has to think a second before agreeing

5:55 Hunger Games aesthetic, okay.

6:00 “I asked you yesterday if you’d grow a full beard. If you wanted to. Like what’s your answer to that question?”- Phil (I’m going to cry.)

6:04 “What in like twenty years?”- Dan

6:05 “Yeah.”- Phil

6:05 “Yeah, sure. I’ll give it a crack.”- Dan

6:06 “Do you think you’ll ever have a full beard?”- Phil

6:09 “Ever?”- D

6:10 “Ever.”- P

6:10 “Yeah, maybe in like ten years when I finish going through puberty.”- Dan

6:13 “I kinda wanna try.”- Phil wants to try a beard, people! And it might be a different color than his fringe. I see.

6:15 “This is the best part!”- Phil on clothing

6:19 “Can’t you just like have nothing?”- Phil (for underroos apparently)

6:22 “Captain America! Yes!”- Phil (nice six pointed star)

6:25 “Egg nips. I mean totally, I can see that.”- Dan

6:31 Phil saying “Daddy Dil” kills me

6:35 “Cats! With a suit jacket.”- Phil (we have a winner)

6:43 I agree with Dan about that pattern, it reminds me of party centers, roller rinks and tour busses. Phil with the Saved by the Bell reference.

7:00 “Goals. As the kids would say.”- Dan

7:26 “Be that dad. The dad you always dreamed to be.”- Dan

7:28 “Now do we get to date some dads?”- Phil Lester asking the important questions.

7:58 Phil’s second child syndrome

8:13 “No mum’s must exist in this universe!”- Dan (okay Dan, interesting justification)

8:35 “I was just given a bin bag and some sticky stars to say I was a ‘wizard’. Yeah.”- Phil (dang that’s cheap, Lesters)

8:43 “Princess Dragon!”- in sync

8:45 Dan would watch a scaley fairytale movie

9:05 “I wish I had a horse phase.”- Dan (I’m glad I did)

9:09 “Or a Horse Prince phase.”- Phil (he’s not over it)

9:11 “Oh we all had that.”- Dan

9:20 “Why aren’t we going to McFridayz?”- Phil

9:50 Adoption +1

10:00 Kangaroo existential crisis

10:19 “Hit me.”- Dan

10:25 “He knows what to do.”- Dan (getting really into it)

10:30 “Yeah. Then what?”- squeaky over dramatic Dan

10:35 “And then he ran away with a kangaroo.”- Phil (there are two types of people in this world)

10:44 “Just look him up on Facebook! Or did he die?”- Phil

11:02 “The old house!”- fake crying Dan

11:05 Hawaiian backstories, driving distraction

11:15 Hydration: “I can get behind this.”- Dan

11:22 Phil, waving your hands in the air where Dan sneezes is not going to keep the germs away. Maybe if you both actually covered.

11:33 Everyone does bicep curls in this Daddy themed universe

12:12 Dil Howlter house without the owl slide is no Dil Howlter house at all.

12:44 “Dogs!”- Phil

12:48 “CLICK!”- Dan

12:55 Dog to person ratio should be the highest thing on the agenda for any neighborhood

13:11 “Side quest!”- Dan

13:11 “Dog quest!”- Phil

13:12 “Dog time! I’m here for some cute drawn dogs.”- Dan

13:16 Woofing song to the tune of the Katamari theme!

13:27 “What is this idyllic pastel utopia that they’re living in right now? Honestly.”- Dan

13:30 “Where’s the diseased pigeons?”- Phil (London summarized by Phil)

13:47 “DOGS! (toddlers) NOT INTERESTED! (dogs) INTERESTED!”- Dan

13:52 Panting puppies D&P

14:05 “A corgi! Of all the dogs!”- Phil (this is the only reason Phil agreed to play this game)

14:14 “Delet this doggo.”- Dan

14:20 Second “Bork!”

14:26 “Oh god this is the cutest dog. Can we just do dog adoption simulator instead?”- Phil (I’m sure you could)

14:30 “Pet the dog!”- Phil

14:58 “Woah! Irish father of my children!”- Dan

15:13 Gruff and slightly offensive leprechaun

15:18 Puppy role play ;)

15:25 Phil saw the aubergines come out.

15:35 Phil apologizes for “Dilddy”

16:05 Dan loves the freckle representation.

16:22 “Oh my god it’s a Dad Child Proud Of Brag Off”- Dan (very Undertale)

17:33 “Bam. Amazing.”- Dan, “Slapped.”- Phil

19:55 “I’m torn though, cause he has a corgi.”- Phil

19:57 “He has a corgi, but-”- Dan

19:58 “Can we not just date him to hang out with the corgi?”- Phil

20:01 “Can we date him, adopt the corgi and then break up with him?”- Dan

20:04 “Yes!”- Phil (a good plan)

20:33 “I mean let’s just get our own corgi. Let’s adopt a corgi.”- Dan (a better plan)

21:07 Dan would read horse fan-fiction.

21:36 Chocolate coffee beans btw

22:11 “*Sigh* Why would people sit next to you, they always do that though don’t they?”- Dan

22:26 "Am I being helpful or am I cluttering up everyone’s life?“- Dan

22:44 "Oh my god!”- Dan

22:45 “Another Dad.”- Phil

22:46 “With the ta- the glasses, the hair, the piercing.”- Dan (tattoos)

22:49 “Good layering. On the outfit.”- Phil

22:51 “Definitely.”- Dan

23:00 Dan doesn’t like the “too cool” vibe.

23:13 Husky voice ;)

23:38 Dan would not be able to hold a conversation with this guy in real life. Probably because he sounds too much like himself.

23:48 Iced Tegan and Sara (yay!)

23:02 Phil got the pun!

24:49 Couches (Starbucks sofa)

24:50 “Okay Amanda, wow. Life isn’t all about listening to cool music. It’s about enjoying the music that you like.”- Dan

25:00 Good lumbar support is important. It’s comfier than their couch. *giggles*

25:48 “Okay I’m about this.”- Dan (feeding kink)

25:50 “He’s got food!”- Phil

25:53 “Yes. Tick that box.”- Phil

27:08 Phil likes Mat’s awkwardness

27:10 Dan is on the fence: “I don’t know how to feel. Runs a coffee shop, bit of a hipster, is socially awkward, gives you banana bread. I think it’s looking mostly good.”

27:27 “Ohhhh.”- in sync (using 'baby’ in flirting)

28:00 “Wow. Are we adults? Cause we just moved recently.”- Yes Dan, you are adults.

28:08 “Do I smell bad?”- Phil

28:09 “Noo.”- Dan with a quick sniff, barely leaning in, he clearly already knew the answer.

28:16 They agree that the dark and mysterious stranger is the most intriguing part of the story. Stupid look at camera.

28:30 Acknowledging that they still have boxes

28:42 Pink duck, succulents and XBox 360 “Nice”- Phil

28:56 “Get the hell out of my life!”- Dan

29:00 “He’s too perfect already.”- Phil

29:08 “Robot. Robot. Robot.”- Phil

29:36 “Guffaw.”- Dan

30:13 Yeah, just move again guys!

30:28 Phil feels bad for kangaroo jokes earlier.

31:11 Phil likes the do over, time flipping, reset thing.

31:33 Louise story mention.

32:18 “What is that wink?”- Dan

32:30 “All of these daddies are mixed bags.”- Dan desk slamming returns

32:40 “He’s a bloody angel. He’s an angel.”- Dan

32:42 “He’s got a dark secret.”- Phil

32:44 “But also angels are terrible. Stop feeling bad by comparing yourself to an angel.”- Dan

32:48 “Dark secret.”- Phil

33:07 “Plot twizzle.”- Dan

33:45 “They are definitely possessed. I told you, dark secret.”- Phil

34:05 “Christie, Christian and Chris. Wow.”- Dan

34:08 “Evil.”- Phil

34:09 “Definitely.”- Dan

34:28 Exorcist

34:34 “Time for the nappy ding dong.”- Dan

35:01 “Bro”- Dan  "Bro"- Phil

35:20 That look

35:22 “Old college roommate.”- Phil

35:23 “Just sayin.”- Dan

35:35 “River. Oh my god.”- Dan (good name)

35:42 Nice baby gurgling Dan

35:51 “Survived that hazing together.”- Dan

36:00 Phil enjoying the matching eyebrows

36:06 “Maybe they got that scar together, doing something, as roommates.”- Dan

36:30 “Copacabana.”- Dan

36:50 “Clearly we didn’t have the American college experience. We did the Smirnoff Slam.”- Dan

37:05 Jogging with baby imitation

37:12 “Wow. Dilddy is just every person probably on the internet and YouTube, in the community watching this.”- Dan

37:25 “Wow. So relatable.”- Dan (shush Dan, #relatable is your schtick)

37:30 “How is he so ripped if he never jogs though?”- Phil (umm you selected that body type and said he works out.)

37:37 “Bro brunch.”- Phil, “A bro brunch?!”- Dan

“Why do we never have bro brunches?”- Dan, “I don’t know”-Phil

“What the hell is a bro brunch?”- Dan, “I don’t know.”- Phil

37:52 “Jog on, Craig.”- Phil, “Jog on, Craig? Jesus.”- Dan

38:18 “I mean, there’s like, stuff in that, isn’t there.”- Yes Dan, they’re tomatoes.

41:01 “The blonde guy.”- Phil

41:10 Phil likes coffee shop guy. Gee I wonder why. Dan is unsure, too cool.

41:30 Dan likes the blonde: confidence, wants to make you happy, “that’s who Dilddy needs in his life, at this important time.” (Dear god Dan can you not?)

Phil still thinks he’s a robot with satanic children. Yep.

41:51 Gee Phil you don’t seem into it. (probably just tired, maybe headache)

42:08 “Thumb it”, tickle, etc.

42:45 “Get a dog.”- Dan

[casimania]

I love your Chloe/Dan/Lucifer/Pierce. What head cannon do you have for them?

Gosh thank you! I have lots of headcanons actually, I do want to write a couple of fics about them and there’s a lot of ways they could go.

But mainly (goddamn this got so long, I rambled a lot sorry):

Chloe, Lucifer and Dan get together just as season 3 starts. When Pierce shows up they’re still settling in (there’s lot of settling in to do, from Lucifer suddenly seeing on a daily basis Dan and Chloe being parents and having to deal with his own parental issues, to Divine bullshit happening to Chloe and Dan getting used at being in a relationship again with all their past issues). There’s a lot of ways they could come together: Dan and Lucifer sort of stumbling in a relationship while pining after Chloe and Chloe having complicated feelings (she Wants but Dan has already fucked her over once and Lucifer is sometimes erratic and self-destructive and she’s always second guessing everything). Or Dan and Lucifer becoming friends and Dan gets an accidental Devil reveal and gets out of it with a stronger bond with Lucifer and it helps Lucifer deal with his feelings with Chloe and confess (and after they shack up Lucifer belately realizes he has similar feelings for Chloe and Dan has been pining over both the whole time and Chloe has been battling resurfacing feelings for Dan but thinks she’s just being a sappy fool). Or even they just slowly come together at the same pace. They don’t even notice they’re basically doing family stuff together like “we’re just friends what are you talking about ah ah” but daydream about domestic stuff all the time and a lot of people genuinely think they’re all an Item. 

I want Pierce role as the Sinnerman to be different also, just because. Less Murdery Crime Boss, more Espionage. Like a spy network. He’s hold and knows Things. His schtick is that if you fuck up he will know. He torments families for generations until their sins aren’t relevant anymore (but a lot of people do fucked up shit along the way so he gets more ammo for another couple generations). The Sinnerman name comes from this in this AU, he knows you sins and your forefathers’ ones. I really want him to emply the fact he’s the older human on Earth. He knows shit about everyone and he has tangible evidence to twist your arm. He has a chockehold on a lot of families. It’s also useful to reinvent himself or hide his tracks. I got the impression in canon the Sinnerman deal isn’t too old, here instead it’s been going on for longer. Less bloody but more deeprooted. Which is why it’s a big surprise when the Decoy Sinnerman starts offing people in fucked up ways. Pierce left him some liberty while trying to keep himself clean while working for the Law but that’s a bit too much. Also doesn’t make sense, starts getting actually worried when he notices he’s being slowly cut off from most of his sources. While killing the people making Deals with Lucifer the fake Sinnerman has also been offing people Pierce personally dealt with. And Pierce was so focused on Lucifer and Chloe and his goal he only realizes when his only option is to band together with them and Dan to bring him down.

Except, surprise! In this AU the fake Sinnerman is gonna be involved with Celestial bullshit on an Apocalyptic level so they really really have to work together. Cause since I’m hell bent on woobifying Pierce I need a big bad for them to join forces against. And I always felt like the decoy Sinnerman was heading towards something big only to be offed in an anticlimatic way (I guess it could make sense since the real dangerous big bad ended up Pierce in the end, but it’s nice to expand that role a little). And of course Pierce’s whole Cain deal comes out in the open and differently than in canon. And Chloe and Dan discover too. Which makes for some awkward (for Chloe and Dan) interactions at work. Like this is our boss, who is also literal Cain From The Bible and is Immortal AND a crime boss AND meets up like weekly to be killed by our boyfriend what the fuuuuuck.

Lucifer goes down a self acceptance journey (accepting himself as not a wretched monster who poisons and ruins everything he touches, but also accepting that not everything that happened to him  was personally enacted by his father but it’s either shitty circumstances and consequences and his subconscious acting up) while Pierce gets some sort of redemption arc. Or “take responsibility you self-victimizing asshole”. I see Canon Cain as being Bad(tm) both because he downright said so (his saying Lucifer wanted to be Good was pretty telling that he, instead, embraced the role humanity seemingly gave him and reveled in it). He needs to realize he both has to admit he made mistakes and bad things on his own and to actually make the good choice for once. Cain at first was just like “God, my family and the whole of humanity says I am a mosnter and the source of Evil in man. So there’s no point in trying to be good. I’ll just do bad shit and it will be THEIR fault, not mine. I’ve been pushed into it”. He’ll need to put his big boy pants and do some soul searching. Instead of always running away. Similar to Lucifer, yet Lucifer, even while embracing his Evil Devil Role always desperately wanted to be good in his core. He’s a very human Devil while canonly Pierce was a human who pretty much shed his humanity. So yeah, he’s gonna face reality and I’m gonna find a way to rip a lot of shit out of him he’s bitten into and swallowed down and has been unable to face for thousands of years. I really wanna make him sweat blood about it. I got a few different ideas but he’s gonna come out of it different. Probably gonna fuck him up for a while, he saw the world one way for thousands of years and in the span of one year (and a half maybe) it gets all challenged pretty violently and he can either double down in his convinctions or accept the changes and deal with it. With being the only one responsible for who he is, shit can happen but in the end the final choice is yours, and Cain always ran from this truth.

Lucifer and Pierce come to some sort of understandment pretty soon. They both see each other as someone fucked over by God. Lucifer is desperate for someone who truly gets that aspect of his life while Pierce kinda hates when he find himself when they do get each other. Like it was all fun and games when it was some snarky banter, true heart to heart moments are what usually make him choose a new identity and skip town. Chloe is someone he comes to respect pretty soon when shit starts getting seriou. The choices he always has difficulty with? The good ones? She's good at making them, she can have the literal Devil on her shoulder goading her but she always asks herself “Is it right? Is this the kind of person I want to be? To make myself become?” and she chooses knowing it’s all on her (where he always was “Not my choice, not my fault”). And Dan, damn he has a lot of animosity and contempt for Dan at first. He sees a crooked cop getting off easily due to circumstances and he’s just seeing his one bad deed and undening curse. And he hates the idea of people getting off the hook easily. But they’re all forced in close contact or a while so he unwittingly starts knowing more about Dan and just, he’s still fun to make fun of (and Lucifer agrees with him on that) but there’s some begruding respect there. He’s fucked up he keeps fucking up but he keeps trying and after realizing some shit about himself and the Mark the animosity dies down a bit and he gets a little less petty. Which slowly turns into a moment of understand between them down the line and they’re not sure which one is more shocked.

Also regarding angelic self actualization! Lucifer is gonna get his wings back or devil face off earlier than in canon. He comes to accept hismelf a little bit more and either one of those things changes. The other changes after he’s sent Goddess away, cause that’s a little bit more of self-acceptance. He’s avoided a war and sent him mother off to a hopefully better place. Of course he still thinks it’s punishment first for shacking up with Dan and Chloe and being happy and refusing to go back to Hell (maybe the wings appear first, he thinks it’s God urging him to fly back to Hell) and then for sending Goddess in another dimension (and probs also killing Uriel). But at some point he’s gonna spiral down again, want to fit into this AU something like the plot of season 4 and him going down a self-hate and doubt spiral for a reason or another. Maybe less abruptly, having loved one helps some but can’t fix eons of fucked up slowly crawling back up. And on the issue of God. I’m gonna say neither the Mark nor the Fall were dished out as punishments made to make Lucifer and Cain suffer. Here’ He’s very much a touch and go sort of guy. He gave Cain the Mark because Abel went down to Hell for way less and he doesn’t want that for either of them, but Abel is out of his hands, he can only hope for Cain’s redemption. So he sends Amenadiel to inflict a mark that extends his life, he can get rid of it once he’s finally faced the reality of the murder he committed, then he can fuck up more as he wishes and condemn himself again. The great unending punishment is something Cain and Amenadiel just assumed. Like Lucifer’s Fall. I like to think Hell was God’s way of getting Luciffer as far has his influence so he could act on his Free Will (I have more feelings on this but this thing got long enough). But he’s God and kind of a ass so he never states things clearly. You gotta work for them cause free will. Same with Chloe. He sent Amenadiel down to bless Penelope but didn’t really leave instructions (cause that again would be meddling with free will).

And also Season 4 equivalent is something I want to explore too. Also cause in the mess that would be this season 3 the whole OT4 thing doesn’t really come together immediately. More of a “Pierce does some soul searching and shapes up a little” but after it it’s more like, there’s understanding and respect between them and something is budding but it’s not quite “Here’s the keys Marcus come live with us”. He’s sort of like a stray cat they picked up. He keeps working at the precinct because the Mark is gone and his years are clearly numbered now and he has to decide what to make of them. And he sort of comes and goes, he’s been cutting ties with people for a very long time and he does not quite know how to ease himself back into yet (half the reason is gonna be the wonder trio being there, shit definitely got serious before but now he’s stalling). I write more easily lighthearted stuff and I can see Lucifer, Dan and Chloe just huddling together and discussing him. Maybe something happened in the thick of actions but since stuff chilled down they’re like, what now?? And they’re just being so obvious about it. But I don’t know yet how things will develop between Pierce and Chloe, Dan and Lucifer exactly. I have a rough idea on how each of them relates to the other (I’m excited about expanding on Pierce and Dan, but also Chloe and Pierce getting to know each other without Pierce’s canon machinations) but I have yet to see what will come up when I write them interacting in these situations. The nice thing about polyamory is that you can have very different dynamics in a single relationship. But I don’t have a definite feel of them yet. And Chloe/Dan/Lucifer is gonna happen relatively fast, Chloe/Dan/Lucifer/Pierce is def gonna be a slow burn one. Excruciatingly slow burn.

Also EVE! I love Eve and I want to explore her + her son + Lucifer and everyone else. Abel was clearly her darling boy and she recognized canon Cain got what was coming for him. But here’s like, sort of one foot in one foot out of a relationsip with Lucifer, Chloe and Dan and shaped himself up. Where does Eve’s codepedency issues and unstable sense of self bring her? Does she still seek out Lucifer? Does she force herself not fear or resent Cain because Lucifer seems to like him? How much does it distress her? She’d probably latch on Lucifer but it would be an interesting dynamic with all of them. How much “oh fuck” is Pierce feelinga about all of this? Facing his guilt and faults head on (pretty fucky when you went around millennia going “lalala no guilt in here nope sir!”). Also good to explore some background for the Eden family. Abel and Cain’s mutual fighting. Adam being a stick in the mud apparently. Eve’s own issues and how they relate to her being a mother and wife (did she see herself as a person or was absorbed by those roles? how much did she go along Adam’s wishes instead of hers even while raising their sons, she was made out of Adam’s rib literally for him. this is a hella weird dynamic to have as a family. did she see Lucifer in Abel’s playfulness and lightheartedness? Was Cain more like Adam? Could this have bred more anymosity between them?). And just the idea of Adam and Eve just spawning like that and being looked after by God at first. And Cain is just the first baby they’ve even ever seen. The pregnancy must have been pretty scary for Eve. How confused were they about baby care? His growth? Having to look after him? Did he resent that they were more prepared for Abel? Or that Eve seemed to be kind of a yes man with Adam? I have the impression this family never did much honest “here’s our feelings lets discuss” talk. And in all of this there’s a demon uprising. Because they can’t have ONE normal year, can they?

[shirtlesssammy]

13x19: Funeralia

Then:

Rowena’s back and better than ever (and so is Billie)(and so is Gabriel)(Asmodeus, not so much)

Now:

In Portland, Oregon, our favorite witch Rowena gets a call from the three musketeers Team Free Will. 

They need her help with Michael. She takes the time to compliment the cutest angel in the universe, but can’t be bothered with assisting further. She’s at a party, and has things to do. Namely: dance the tango and set a woman on fire.

Later, in the bunker’s kitchen (Dean’s comfort zone and Cas’s comfort zone!...still a table between them though), Dean and Cas try to brainstorm ideas for tracking Gabriel that doesn’t require Rowena.

Dean needs a beer to get the brain juices flowing, and despite Cas’s quick decline, he gets him one too. #goodhusband Cas comes up with asking the angels for help.

*Boris Determined Soon-to-be Classic Dialog Alert*

Cas: This would be something of a Hail Mary

Dean: Hmm

Cas: It’s a sport’s term, like slam dunk or ball handler

Dean: That’s uh, mm...I don’t think it’s a good idea.

Ah, they’re really talking here, discussing angels, Donatello, and being on the same page but approaching things from different perspectives. Interrupting Sam interrupts so I guess the rest of the episode won’t be domestic Dean and Cas chatting over a beer. Missed opportunity, I’d say.

Sam reports on Rowena’s recent activity. Dean gets testy with him about helping her and now Sam’s got to make things right. He then tells Cas that he can contact the angels, but adds, “don’t get dead again.” Guh, he couldn’t look at him until he said those words. He doesn’t like what Cas wants to try, but only makes eye contact when he really wants to make that last point clear. #worriedhusbandisworried

Cas heads to the playground and finds Indra, one slightly inebriated angelic guard.

Indra doesn’t really have any fight left in him. “If you want to say we fought and angel blade me right now, that’d be ok.” “Is that a joke?” Cas implores. Nope. Things are bad in angel land.

Cas finds the throne room empty. Duma and Co. arrive. He tells them about Gabriel and Michael and Jack and Lucifer. (But she says nothing back about Lucifer --and where the heck is he anyway?) The lights power up and down, and Duma tells Cas that they can probably help each other.

On the road, Sam can’t get a hold of Rowena. And then Jessica the reaper pops into the back seat. She’s apparently been keeping an eye on the brothers. She also points out that Dean hasn’t spilled about his time chilling with her in the veil. Jessica is here to help them with Rowena. She’s already killed four people before their time, and she needs to be stopped.

Omg, Rowena has a picture of Fergus on her desk. She also has limited patience with the Brothers Winchester. They keep calling, and soon they’ll find her. She reminds Bernard that she’s capable of anything now.

At the scene of “spontaneous combustion”, Sam reads about the victim. She wasn’t necessarily a good human. They look at the ashes and see another marking --the remnants of a reaper.

Dean calls for Jessica. Yep, it seems that Rowena is really going after reapers. She also talks about Ashton’s second best movie the butterfly effect. (Sidenote: Just look at Dean’s growth here. In season 6, he made it clear there would be no Kutcher references, and now he’s ranking his movies? Dean Bean.) Anyway, she talks about fate, death, and the cataclysmic repercussions of people dying before their time. (Uh, this is the opposite of saving everyone on the Titanic. I need to rewatch “My Heart Will Go On” --do they remember that other timeline at the end?) Jessica tells Sam that he is the one that will kill Rowena (NOOOOOO!!!)

*Cute Montage Alert*

Cas waits in heaven and I just want to squish this ferocious wavelength of celestial intent.

Duma finally comes back, and she brought a friend: Naomi! WoooOOOoooh. (Sidenote: another flashback to a previous episode.) She tells Cas, “it’s not that we won’t help you, it’s that we can’t.”

On the road, Sam finds another possible victim, and Jessica pops in to inform the boys that he’s dying as they speak. He’s bleeding out in his backyard. Rowena is there to scan the yard for a reaper, and finds him. She wants to have a chat with Death, but Billie does not negotiate with witches. And the man and reaper go up in flames.

Velvet pants swoon.

When Sam, Dean, and Jessica find the torched body Rowena calls them and suggests a chat in person. Rowena plans to try to convince them to stop pursuing her...or be stopped in turn. Dun dun dun.

Back with Castiel, he faces the torturer that made him do this:

While we love seeing Naomi again (I love Amanda Tapping), I also remember her as someone who really fucked Cas over. He remembers her this way as well. He's still angry with her for stealing his memories, threatening him, and making him repeatedly act out Dean's murder. Naomi shrugs. “Those were simpler times.” She doesn't apologize.

Naomi was hiding out until recently when the Heavenly power grid went down. We learn that angels power Heaven like batteries storing power. And now there are just nine angels left in Heaven, including Castiel. DAMN, ya'll. Naomi tells him that angels can't help Cas find Gabriel because no angels can leave or risk the ruin of Heaven. If the power grid falters, Heaven will crumble and everyone who's been living in Heaven will plummet to Earth and get their haunt on. That's...not good at all.

(Boris: My heart breaks a little for how affected Cas is on hearing the angel news. And is Anael in heaven? I presume that Lucifer can come and go as he pleases since he has his wings still. Will heaven remain closed for the foreseeable future - this season?)

Rowena settles in for drinks with Dean and Sam. She tells them she's only targeting bad people who've been responsible for the death of thousands. But Sam brings up that she's still killing reapers so the whole vigilante schtick doesn't ring true. She tells them that she's killing reapers to try and get Death's attention so she can get Fergus (Crowley) back. She blames his death (and presumably everything – his damned soul, his ascent to the throne of Hell) on her decision to leave him when he was a boy. Oh, Rowena. My heart kind of breaks for you.

“Are only Winchesters allowed to come back from the dead?” Rowena asks them acidly before she tells them she's going to continue her mission. Dean decides to tell her that Sam's responsible for her death which is...a lot. It's a threat. It's a promise, a warning. It's a hell of a lot to put on both Sam and Rowena. Sam's not ready to kill her though and tries to cuff her instead. She grins and fades out. She was astral projecting! Nice work. Rowena waves at them from the door and heads out of the bar at top speed.

Dean and Sam give chase when Dean gets closelined by Rowena's lackey.

They have a great drag-down fight featuring harsh moves, hotel props, and two blasé people riding an elevator.

Outside, Sam corners Rowena in the alley. He tells her to stop messing with the “machinery of the universe” and when she tells him she won't stop, he shoots. (Like. Sam. Pot, kettle much?) Rowena freezes the bullet. She's shocked that he would have shot her and puts him to sleep.

Jessica the reaper shows up while Dean continues to fight. She tells him to hurry which...thanks Jessica. Super helpful. When Dean finally defeats him, Jessica gives Dean reluctant props while Dean heads out to find Sam. He finds Sam's gun in the alley.

Pretty shot alert

Cut to Sam tied up in Rowena's room. He tells her the increased magic in her system has made her crazy but Rowena counters with a different story. She has new clarity. All she'd done for money or power was meaningless, ultimately. Everyone she loved – Oscar and Fergus – are lost to her. She wants to redeem herself somehow. (I have to say of the two redemption arcs – Ketch versus Rowena – I definitely believe Rowena's to be more genuine.) Anyway, since Sam's destined to kill her then she should kill him first. She rips his shirt open.

Rowena apologizes but still slams killing power into Sam. Death shows up and Rowena recognizes her from that one time they worked together to harness a ton of souls. “If we'd just exchanged numbers,” Rowena notes, “none of this would have been necessary.” Billie warns her off her risky scheme and tells her she doesn't do blackmail. If she kills Sam, nobody's gonna be happy in the future, but it's Rowena's choice. And Crowley is staying dead.

Sam begs for his life and Rowena turns at the last minute and blasts Billie instead. Billie, mid-attack, just hangs out casually. No big. (Though notice she didn't bring her scythe with her tonight. Probably a smart choice.)

Billie bends down and she and Rowena have a heart to heart. Rowena breaks down. “I don't know what I'm doing,” she confesses.

“Sometimes life isn't fair,” Billie tells her. “And sometimes we lose things. And sometimes we make mistakes. And some of these things can never be fixed, no matter how powerful you become. Some things just are.” She won't kill Rowena.

Billie greets Dean as he breaks down the door, Jessica in tow. “See you again soon,” she says to Dean before flapping out. Yikes. Ominous.

Outside the Heavenly sandbox, Cas continues to be a total angel and holds a very civil conversation with Naomi. She'll stay in Heaven to protect the grid and wishes him luck on his quest to find Gabriel. The gates of Heaven are closed. After she leaves, Cas grabs a handful of sand from the sandbox that is now just a sandbox. He looks despairing over Heaven's fate.

Rowena, Sam, and Dean touch base. “What have I done?” Rowena asks. Sam tells her that what happened with Crowley wasn't her fault. “Every one of us has done something we have to live with. That we're trying to make up for,” Dean tells her. Sam tells her they may need her help to save the world. No pressure, as always.

Sam tells her Lucifer is back. “I'm horrified and scared and my heart may have stopped but...Lucifer isn't the one who's going to kill me, is he?” Rowena returns. Sam vows to change her fate.

Quoternalia:

Hello, boys.

I'm surprised you recognize the sound of a party since you're all work and no play.

You know, she’s right. You never go to parties.

You were “handling it”

Death doesn't negotiate with witches.

She's powerful. She's gorgeous. And she's paying me a small fortune. That woman didn't have to cast a spell on me.

Everything ends.

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[shirtlesssammy]

13x04: The Big Empty

Then:

What gets burned, stays dead. NOT! TOTALLY NOT! SPOILERS: CAS IS ALIVE! CAS IS BACK!!!

Now:

Did I mention CAS IS BACK!???!

Oh wait, first the intro:

Dude in Madison, WI comes home to a not quite empty house. It seems his late, great wife is waiting in the dark for him. He’s not acting nearly as weirded out as he should.

And he gets a nice, deep gut stab for his efforts.

At the bunker, Dean is NOT journaling.

Sam comes back from a supply run, and tries to make small talk. Dean briefs his brother on the case. Sam suggests they bring Jack along, but Dean is adamant that he stay behind. Then he takes a dig at Sam’s desire to find their mom. Sam points out, “So you’re saying you want to move on….from Mom.” Angry Brother Stares. Dean just wants to work a case. Whew, there’s so much NOT BEING SAID HERE. It’s like there’s a BIG EMPTY space in their conversation.

Sam goes to check on Jack, who’s holed up in his room watching Clone Wars.

Sam asks Jack if he wants to come along and work the case with them. “No.” (I laughed at the delivery of that line SO much.) Jack throws some nice shade at his “interdimensional can-opener” status --letting Sam know that he heard the brothers’ conversation. Sam makes it clear that, yes, he wants his mom back, but Sam still cares about Jack, even if they can’t get Mary back. Sweet Nougat Jack is still out there breaking our hearts with how innocent and wonderful he is. He worries about Dean wanting to kill him, but Sam reassures him that he will not let that happen.

Madison, WI

Team Free Nougat pulls up to the victim’s -Wes Bailey- house. Dean gives the rundown. Jack questions the moral exactitude of the whole FBI schtick. The brothers give Jack some exposition on ghosts and revenants. Jack wears a cute little tan coat very reminiscent of one TOTALLY NOT DEAD angel.

The brothers interview the neighbor lady, while Jack heads into the victim’s house to discover a dried pool of blood, with an evidence tag next to it. I think he deserves an upgrade to Detective Nougat!

Sam gives Jack a lesson on the EMF reader, which does not register a ghost. So: Revenant! They all head to the graveyard that night, and Dean makes Jack do the heavy lifting (literally), and dig the grave. 

Sam accuses Dean of being just like their dad. Oof, that’s a loaded accusation. Dean lays it out clearly: He’s not going to be a mom to Jack. He’s not going to care for him like he did for Sam. Plus, the kid can dig. So, yay!

Once Jack is done digging the grave, they find a body. No revenant then. Weirdsies. They salt and burn to be on the safe side. Because, “What gets burned, stays dead.”

CAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!!!!

Rich, white lady blows a tire on HIGHWAY(We’re in Wisconsin, you heathens) route 19, and just as she’s talking to roadside assistance, her son from beyond the grave pays her a visit, and uses the very effective blood cannon on her. Bits of her all over the windshield!

Sam and Dean check out the new crime scene, but with no EMF, they’re baffled.

CAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!

Our darling baby in a trenchcoat is wandering around a big, dark nothing, calling out to no one. Well, almost no one, something manifests itself from the nothingness.

Jack, meanwhile, continues to be the cutest devil baby/son/intern ever, I swear. Sam connects the vics to a grief counselor. Dean mocks traditional forms of grief management.

Dean: She’s one Kool-aid away from Jonestown. Me, an intellectual: Actually it was Flavor-aid. (Is that how that meme works? Gah, in any event, I’m a nerd and hate that common misnomer.)    

Dean surmises that the shrink is a medium. They need to check it out --but not as FBI agents. What’s this fractured family to do? 

Family therapy!

Jack gets the ball rolling by admitting to the therapist that he recently lost his mother. Sam steps in and admits they’re brothers (Sorry Adam!), and they need help processing their grief.

Mia, the therapist, leads them to a room, and asks them about their loss. “Well, Mom was great, now she’s dead. What’s the deal with catharsis?” Yeah, Dean decides to not keep up appearances. Mia is less than pleased, but Sam smoothes things over. Dean gets even punchier (Dean “deflection” Winchester so totally journals) (also, Sam says that Dean’s not processing his grief but Dean says he is, but Sam questions that, and Dean says that he knows that their mom is dead, but I’m thinking that Sam didn’t necessarily mean their mom, because Dean can clearly admit that their mom is dead, and yet there’s a totally BIG EMPTY space of someone that Dean can’t really admit to being dead, someone whose death he isn’t processing, I’m just saying), and admits that Sam is delusional, and thinks their mom is alive. Sam then unleashes some MUCH NEEDED anger and grief. He never had her as a mom. He’s jealous of the time Dean had with her. (I’ve seen gifsets and arguments for and against the feelings Sam is having. Why didn’t he make more of an effort to reach out to Mary? Are his feelings of abandonment justified?)

Sam leaves to drink some vegetable water and find the remnants of a shapeshifter in the bathroom. Shapeshifter! I knew it began with an ‘S’! (Tumblr, you failed me trying to find a gif of Harry Christmas saying “Samsonite!” I’m not old, you’re old.)

Dean tries to cover the awkward silence while they wait with a heavy swig of hunter’s helper. Spoiler: It’s not helping. Sam bursts in, gun drawn, announcing that Mia’s a shifter. She pleads with them --yes, she’s a shifter, but she’s never killed anyone. She’s helping people --she shifts into the person that her patients have lost (That’s just wrong, and also, I’d like to see my cat again please :’() Dean drops the hard truths that her patients are dead. Mia is shocked. She has an alibi, and she swears, she’s telling them the truth.

Back in darkness, Cas wanders through the night-black plain. He seems...perturbed. He turns to find a copy of himself coalescing into being. The copy of Cas smirks at him and introduces himself as a celestial entity who took his form because Cas would “freak out, rip out your own eyes, etcetera.” Cas asks him where they are and the entity tells him that before everything on Earth – before gods and all - there was nothing. Emptiness. That's where Cas is right now, along with every single angel and demon who's died. They're all sleeping snug in their beds for all eternity. Everyone except for Cas and this grouchy entity of the Empty.

This fun entity, so very snarky, reminds me (and several others on Tumblr apparently) of the character Q from Star Trek. Q was hugely powerful and completely a dick...rather like this entity. Thus, shall he be named...Qstiel.

Qstiel demands to know why Castiel is awake. Cas makes a wild guess that the Winchesters made a deal to save him but Qstiel swiftly corrects that assumption. Nobody has power over the Empty except for him. When Cas still fails to come up with a satisfactory explanation, Qstiel mind-whammies him, sending him to his knees.

Back at Mia's office, we learn about Buddy, suspect number one. Buddy is an ex-boyfriend of Mia's and the only other shapeshifter she ever knew (other than her mother). He's also a stone cold crazy killer who liked to completely ruin people's lives before he killed them. Mia does what she does now partially as recompense for the suffering she enabled when she was with him.

Armed with that super strong suspect, they try to figure out who Buddy is posing as in order to gain access to her client files. The suspicion falls on the assistant from earlier and Dean reluctantly agrees to take Jack along to check out the assistant. Guys… Jack knows Dean wants to kill him but he's still seeking out opportunities to spend time with Dean and he doesn't run from a job with just the two of them. Alone. While Dean is heavily armed. What a good bean.

Dean and Jack head out to the assistant's house where Dean orders Jack yet again to stay in the car. Jack wants to help, though – and he wants to help with more than just this case. He tells Dean that Sam told him about the plan to save Mary. Dean coldly replies, “You should know Sam's plans don't always work out.” (Listen. It's fine. I'm not remembering Dean's support of Sam's leadership at the end of season 12 and weeping steadily.)

Sam and Mia, meanwhile, scan security footage until they find eyeshine. It's one of her patients – the guy Jack merrily said “Hello” to when they first arrived.

Back in the Empty, Cas is still having a pretty shitty vacation from life. He pulls himself up after Qstiel ravages his mind. Qstiel ignores his pain, and goes on a mini rant about how utterly annoying it is to have somebody awake. He can't go back to sleep until Castiel does. Cas lifts his head, interested to learn that Qstiel is so perturbed by one awake angel.

Qstiel threatens to chuck Cas clear across the Empty so he can't hear Cas stomping around his bedroom. Cas calls him on his bluff and raises the stakes. If he's so annoying to Qstiel then he should just be sent back to Earth. Everybody wins.

At first Qstiel turns him down. He taunts Cas about his past failures. “I know what you hate. I know who you love. What you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” A look of despair falls upon Cas and Qstiel hammers the message home by showing him all his failures that resulted in death. Noooooooo!

Dean and Jack arrive back at Mia's house to find that Sam already left to try to find Buddy. Dean storms off grumpily, trying to call Sam. Meanwhile, Jack asks to speak with Mia. He tells her some of the truth about himself and asks her to take Kelly's form so he can have some catharsis as well. She shifts into Kelly and then, as Kelly, sits with him to have a heart to heart.

It's Kelly! And man, I miss her. She really got into my good graces in the second half of last season and that video she left for Jack is so great. Mia-as-Kelly and Jack have a talk about good, evil, and choices. He worries that he's feeling a general lack of emotion at all the mad turmoil he’s been exposed to. And. Hon. It's been like a week, right? Give it time. “It doesn't matter what you are,” she tells him. “It matters what you do. Even monsters can do good in this world.” It's SUCH a beautiful moment for Jack and Mia with so many layers of meaning between the two of them and their separate tragedies. This makes me...cry. Okay. I cried when I watched it. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? And then I pretended that my eye itched so I could wipe it away, unseen.

Sam finally calls Dean back. Sam tells him he lost the shifter (and my suspicions are immediately raised about Sam). However, I'm surprised when the camera pans away to show two Deans in the room – one on the floor unconscious and the other smirking at his cell phone. Oh, Dean Bean. Nice job surprising me, show! High five :)

Shifter Dean breaks into the room with Mia and Jack, picks up an iron poker, and rams it into poor Jack's skull. Dean then rips his face off...

...to reveal Buddy. He smirks at poor Mia. (Me: takes a moment to ponder the caloric intake needs of shifters if they have the ability to shed so much tissue and blood so quickly.)

In the Empty, Cas gets called epithets he's heard for years – maybe centuries. Qstiel tells him to sleep and save himself but Cas lifts himself up and says, “I'm already saved.” He won't stop harassing Qstiel...ever. So he'd better let Cas go NOW or he'll be in for one miserable ride. “Release me,” Castiel growls.

Cut to Dean waking up in handcuffs. (Nice, show. Nice.) Dean tries to wake up Jack while Buddy goes crazy bananas over Mia. Once Jack is awake, Dean asks Jack to use his powers to snap the cuffs and set him free. Meanwhile, Buddy gives Mia an ultimatum. She can kill Dean and Jack or she can die. She refuses to do it and Sam's return to the house distracts Buddy from immediately killing her. Buddy trains his gun on the door, ready to shoot Sam as he enters. Dean gets knocked out again trying to warn Sam (seriously it will be good to get Cas back and start healing all those concussions again, right?). So now it's down to Jack. At the last minute he power blasts Buddy, deflects the bullet from Sam, and knocks Buddy back long enough so Sam can get in a clean shot. Buddy dies, Jack slumps, and we cut to the aftermath. Mia slowly cleans up her office. “I just wanted to help people,” she mourns.

Back at the bunker Jack's enjoying a glass of water when Dean walks into the kitchen. He grabs two beers from the fridge then saunters close to Jack. He tells Jack that he “did good today,” and actually calls him by his name. Jack smiles.

Dean brings Sam a beer and apologizes for being a dick. “Maybe you're right about the kid,” Dean admits.

And then Sam bends too. “What if you're right about mom?” he asks.

Dean slowly shakes his head at this (and I'm struck with memories of season 11 and Faith and all those times Sam believed when Dean didn’t). “I need you to keep the faith for both of us,” Dean tells him. “cause right now I don't believe in a damn thing.” Dean looks away again with his dead-eyed stare...

And the scene cuts to a sunny field. Blackberry brambles. Delicate flute music. Castiel wakes in the field, stands and finds himself whole, and looks up towards the sky and the warmth and light of the sun.

Quote!Stiel:

What do you want to do? Leave him in a ring of holy oil, some Netflix, and a frozen pizza?

I do like Ahsoka. Kinda hate Anakin.

Let's go be the good guys.

I thought lying was wrong.

What gets burned stays dead.

Shrinks. Snake oil for the mind.

“You journal?””Ever since I was a little girl”

If you can't sleep, I can't sleep. And I like sleep. I need sleep. 

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