#And on one level I feel like I've come so far from that angry kid

[that-ineffable-devil]

I don't know what it is about Neil Gaiman's stories and characters that bring up so many visceral emotions and realizations but Dead Boy Detectives has gripped me in it's skeletal claws.

I'll admit I haven't read the comics--one more thing on my neverending tbr pile--so I came into this show without any preconceptions or foreknowledge of the characters or their histories. And I didn't do any research on the show beforehand a) to avoid spoilers and b) it's Neil Fucking Gaiman what am I gonna do NOT watch!?

Basically, I had no idea what to expect from it. Except that it'd be queer (praise be).

And I gotta tell you, Charles is getting to me. In ways and at depths I never could have expected. And, fuck, it's making me confront some things I didn't realize were affecting me...and some that maybe I did...

Like the anger. Gods, the deep-rooted anger at the injustice and cruelty of the world and the hands you're dealt. The fury of feeling helpless and alone and terrified during the worst experiences of your life. And the self-loathing you feel as you bury that rage for fear of becoming the very monsters that tormented you--unable to express it in even a healthy manner because you can only associate anger with violence. So you bottle it and bury it and hope against hope you can keep it down, but you fear the day you run out of burial ground.

Like the compulsion to act like everything's fine. To mask any negative emotions with a smile and a kind word or a laugh. To never be the reason someone else is in pain. To try so hard to undo the pain done by others. To be the person you needed most who was never there. Maybe you're trying to convince yourself that you're not a monster. Living in constant fear that you really are that monster, and all your goodness and light is a smokescreen to trick truly good people into allowing you to walk amongst them--and that one very bad day they'll all see the truth and your worst fears will be confirmed in their eyes.

Like the almost desperate need to cling to anything or anyone good that comes into your life, because it has happened so rarely and so fleetingly. The fear of taking certain risks with those things and people because any change can be the one that results in losing them. Yet constantly taking risks with yourself and your life (death?), likely boiling down to "If I go first, I don't have to lose them." Because, deep down, you think they could never miss you as much as you'd miss them.

And even specific moments...

Like using the word "rough" to describe abuse, because how else do you reference decades...or in his case, likely at least a decade...of trauma and abuse without upsetting someone? Without letting them know it's still affecting you?

Like equal parts fear and fury welling inside you as you watch something truly horrific happen. Memories wrapping your senses so tightly as that man brutalized his family for no reason. Being both unable to stop it and unable to look away. Desperate to do something about it but completely helpless. Again.

And reliving his trauma, forced to by someone else? Feeling that pain and misery all over again. The heartbreak as friends choose to hurt you for reasons you don't understand. The anguish as your brain tries to protect itself while a parent who's supposed to love you makes you wonder why you exist at all. The terror of being hunted. Not knowing why. Not knowing what you've done to deserve it. Wondering if somehow you do.

And confessing his fear that he's a "bad guy." Wondering if you're really the villain in your story. Fearing that the reason people treated you so cruelly is because they saw the monster within, and thought they could keep it contained and afraid. Fearing that you won't be able to.

And not every day is like this. Not every day has you feeling like you're at the edge of a precipice. Some days are quite good actually, especially if you have even one good person around. But any day could turn out like this.

But you keep on with the smiles and the positive attitude because the monsters can't win. Your monster can't win. And frankly, you don't know how else to deal with it, because no one ever taught you how to. Or maybe you never had the chance to learn. All you know is that it's all you know.

[one-piece-aus]

Unbottle Your Emotions

Eutass Kid x Reader (Part 1)

Ahoy readers! Some of you who read my Whumptober works know I made two short whumps of Kid in a highschool AU and I can tell you enjoyed those angsty works. I've dug around in my drafts and found this, I wrote it a few years ago but nonetheless, it's the beginning of this story so I thought why not post it? Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Enjoy ^-^

"Alright, class," Makino addressed you and your classmates once she finished attendance. "I have a partner project for you to work on for the next two weeks. Before you ask, I have already assigned who you'll be working with."

You glanced over to Hawkins, if you were lucky you'd be partnered with him. The two of you were loners who stuck together. You found it easier to work with him since you kinda were on the same level when it came to that. He made eye contact with you and knew you wanted him to check his chances of being paired with you. He drew his cards under his desk before looking back to you and shaking his head. You sighed, pulling up your hood and resting your head on your arms, you continued listening to your English teacher.

"You'll be choosing a topic to write about, whether it's a review of a movie or a poem about birds, I want the two of you to make it together. This will be a presentation assignment so make sure to capture your listeners' attention and practice what you'll be reading." Makino paused, going over to her laptop, and clicking a few keys before turning on the projector. "Here are your partners."

Once the screen had been displayed your eyes scanned over the list to find your name. You saw Hawkins got paired with Cavendish, you almost felt bad for him until your eyes landed on who you paired with. The person Makino assigned you to work with was Eustass Kid.

He was the most hostile guy at school, it was no secret the guy had anger issues and was completely obnoxious. You avoided him like the plague for two reasons: 

1. You were a good student and just wanted to learn, obnoxious kids disrupt the silence and your ability to learn. 

2. You could only tolerate someone directing their anger at you for so long before crying; not that they made you feel sad, but because you felt anger at them and wished to shout back at them to defend yourself, yet you held your tongue back since you didn't want to cause further trouble; that bottled up emotion stressed tears out of you. 

You hated crying because that made you think you appeared hurt and weak when in reality you were angry and frustrated, the more you felt it the more the tears came. That's why tried to quickly get out of the predicaments if you were ever in them.

The quickest way you dealt with someone's anger and got out of the problem was ignoring them if they were just insulting you or apologizing respectfully if you did something to piss them off. Since you pulled off these things well without appearing to be phased and having acknowledgement of the issue with genuine respect, those in school weren't aware you had a limit. However, you witnessed how Kid gets whenever someone pisses him off, you knew there'd be no way you could keep the bottle closed if he directed his anger at you, so that's why you always duck away when you saw Kid coming.

Internally you panicked when you saw you were assigned to be his partner. You didn't know how you managed to get this far acting as a ghost while being in the same classes as him this semester. You usually weren't in a corner or by the window, you were near the front of the room, second row and just two desks away from being in the center of the class, great for viewing the board. Perhaps you were a ghost to Kid since he sat around the back near the window.

Kid raised his head and looked around, searching for you, you pulled your hood further over you and lowered your head to face away from Kid. "Oi, Teach! Which one's the one I'm working with?" You heard Kid ask, I guess he really didn't know who you are.

You listened to the footsteps of the teacher, drawing towards you just as a brush does to the paints on a pallet. You feel her gentle hand rub your head, maybe thinking you were asleep, you did come in class yawning. You hesitantly lifted your head, looking up at Makino and seeing her smile. Oh, bless her heart for being kind and welcoming, wishing to create a pleasant and welcoming place for her class, but that's what's going to bite you in the ass because it meant you couldn't get out of this since she wanted her class to be comfortable with each other. You sighed, making it a sound like a yawn, and sat up but still kept your hood on.

"This is [L/n], Eustass," Makino told Kid, gesturing to you before she went to another student who had raised their hand.

You didn't say a word, instead, you took out your notes and reviewed them to see which ones you needed for the project. The daunting sound of Kid approaching your desk only made you read through your notes more frantic until he sat down in the chair in front of you with a scowl on his face. You looked away from your notes, masking your uneasy state as you finally spoke to him.

"Hi! Sorry- I was searching for the notes we'll probably need!" You apologized then glanced back at the papers and began putting the ones you didn't need back in your binder. You just needed to get on his good side, if you didn't irritate him you two could get this project over with and never have to speak to each other again, that's how classmates go.

"At least you seemed to know what you're doing," Kid responded, eyes gazing over the many notes you've jotted down as you slipped them away in the binder.

"Uh- you can pick whatever you wanna do for the project if you want," you told him and put your binder into your bag. "I'm uh- fine with whatever unless you wanted to ask the teacher to work with a friend instead, then I'll find a topic to work on by myself."

"None of my friends are in this class," he shrugged and folded his arms. "Besides I know Makino wouldn't change my partner even if I asked, I'm just glad it's not strawhat I'm working with again."

"Strawhat? Luffy?" You tilted your head, not recalling Luffy being in your class.

"He was in one of my classes last semester and we had Makino as our teacher," Kid explained as put his arms on your desk, taking up half the space.

"Oh..."

"You know the guy?" Kid inquired, raising a non-existent eyebrow at you.

"Not really."

"Good, he's annoying and so are his friends."

You sweatdropped unsure how to respond to his complaint. Normally you'd let some continue their rants until they were done, especially if they had anger issues you didn't want to trigger them, but you wanted to get everything figured out before class was over.

"So did you have something in mind?" You asked getting back on topic.

"We're not writing poetry, that's for damn sure," he grumbled, pushing his cheek onto his knuckled fist.

'How ironic, that's probably what Cavendish and Hawkins are,' you thought to yourself as you glanced at the two blonds. Cavendish seemed to be boasting about myself again, maybe being partnered with Kid wasn't so bad.

"Have you listened to any metal songs?" Kid inquired, throwing his idea out there.

"Yeah..."

"Really?" he questioned, not believing you.

"Yeah."

Kid's eyes widened in surprise. "Wait, really?!"

"Uh yeah." How many times were you going to have to repeat yourself?

"Huh, I didn't think you'd listen to that kind of music."

You shrugged. "My dad got me into metal and rock when I was younger. Better than what plays on the radio."

"You don't have to tell me twice. Idiots that listen to what they play on there now don't know what real music is."

You chuckled, agreeing with Kid, maybe he wasn't so bad. "I guess we found our topic. Now we need to figure out how we'd be writing it." You flipped over one of your papers and started writing down a few methods. "Fan letter to the artist, a review of the song, analysis of the lyrics-"

A loud buzz rang throughout the school and repeated itself, you cringed at the obnoxious noise blaring in your ear. Someone must've started a fire in the bathroom again. Your class filed out of the room, merging into the sea of students exiting the building. You wanted to cover your ears as the noise became louder in the halls but you didn't want to appear like a weirdo using your hands, you had wireless earbuds but that wasn't something to take out in the stampede you were in since you could drop one. You just had to suffer internally.

Once outside, you went and stood by Hawkins while waiting for the fire department to find the fire. You rubbed your ears now that you were away from the crowd and just had your fellow loner next to you.

"Acting like a cat again, [Y/n]?" Hawkins asked, seeing you paw your ears. He often compared to his cat, Faust.

"Yeah, my ears just hurt from the noise." You despised noise.

"You should listen to some soothing frequencies after instead of your regular choice of music if you want your ears to recover properly," Hawkins advised.

"Ehhhh... I might have to this time."

"Oh?" Hawkins glanced at you, inquiring you for further details. You didn't usually listen to him when he advised you to give your ear a break from your music, hence why he grew curious to understand why you were thinking of taking his suggestion.

"I might be hearing more noise today at school but once I get home I'll probably be able to listen to it."

"And what makes you think you'll be hearing more noise?"

"I don't know, maybe-"

"OI! [L/N]!" Kid shouted to get your attention as he marched over to you.

You flinched at his voice in that tone, and the irritated expression on his face made you think you did something wrong. You turned to him and held your arm behind your back.

"Sorry, what did you need Kid?"

"Give me your phone."

"What?" You feel your chest begin to burn and you know your forehead will begin to paint itself red.

"I need it to put my contact in your phone."

You were going to push back but you folded your tongue seeing the impatient scowl Kid wore. Not questioning him further, taking your phone out of your pocket. Unlocking it, you hastily clicked over to your contact app and handed it over to the redhead before you could see him grow more impatient.

Kid, just about to add a new contact, couldn't help but notice how you only had five contacts on your phone. Only three out of the five weren't family-related. Did you just not add people to your phone? He scoffed the thought off, it wasn't his business. He began typing his number into your phone.

You wanted to ask why Kid needed to put his contact in your phone, however, your bottled emotion prevented you from speaking your question. Kid seemed pissed enough, you weren't going to attempt to do anything that might push him off the edge. You shifted your footing, the expression on your face displaying your unease.

"Perhaps you should tell why you're adding your number to her phone," Hawkins spoke up for you.

"Fuck off Basil, it's not your business," Kid barked.

"It may not be mine but it is [Y/n]'s business to know since it is her phone," Hawkins stated unphased by Kid. Oh, how you wished to be as stoic as Hawkins. Granted, you did a good job ninety percent of the time but it crumbled easily in the presence of hostile or authoritative anger.

Kid glared at Hawkins for a moment before he handed you back your phone, his attention now on you. "Send me a text," he instructed you and pulled out his phone.

You weren't sure what exactly to send so you just typed 'Hi' into the chat. A ding came from Kid's phone and he checked the message to make sure it came from you. Comparing his screen to yours, you felt your hands brush against each other. The chills surfing across your body turned your body pale from how uncomfortable you felt to Kid standing this close to you. You wanted to isolate yourself in your room, though when Kid moved away you couldn't help but be grateful.

"Alright, I got it." Kid put his phone in his pocket and started walking away. "Text me about our project later."

You stood there confused with the hidden parts of your head burning red. You didn't understand why Kid confronted you like that when he could've easily asked when the two of you got back to class. You stared in the direction Kid left until a concerned hand rested on your shoulder and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. Glancing over, you met Hawkins' crimson eyes.

"The cards said you needed a comforting hand," Hawkins said unsure if he helped. "There was an 80% chance you would've shed tears if not."

Right, Hawkins is the only one who knew of your bottled frustration; he saw it happen when he walked in the middle of you being scolded by a teacher. Anyone else would've thought you were upset and sad but he could read the frustration and anger written on your face, and he drew the cards to double-check. The two of you never spoke of it at first, but after you began to hang around, and he saw it a few more times, he offered to be there for you if you ever needed a quiet place and a listening ear.

"Once the firemen are done we'll be in second period," Hawkins informed you, shifting the topic away from what just happened. He knows you don't like to stay stuck in your conflicted emotions.

"So that's why Kid did that..." You glance at the phone in your hand to see the time; English is over. Slipping it into your pocket, you groaned, realizing something. "Hhhhh, that means we still have to get our stuff from English... We have drama next class, right?"

"Hmm." Hawkins nodded.

"Can you please get my stuff, I don't think I can face Kid again at the moment."

"Very well, [Y/n]."

"Thanks, I'll treat you to lunch."

"Does that mean we'll go to the vegan restaurant?" You've known Hawkins long enough to tell the subtle delight in his monotone.

"For doing this-" You turned to him, a grateful small smile drawn on your face. "Yes."

Tag: @lil-skelly-bones

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Every week I will post various reviews I've written so far in 2024. You can check out my Goodreads for more up-to-date reviews HERE.

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241. The Discovery by Katherine Applegate--⭐️⭐️⭐️

That poor snake.

I feel torn about this one because while in theory, it was a good addition to the series, something about how the characters were at the end of the book when they had to make a big decision sat wrong with me. Maybe it's because I've been spoiled by their easy decision making, or their teamwork when it comes to important decisions.

BUT then again, I know that these are just kids and they've been thrown into a deadly and near-impossible situation.

I do think it's a very convenient storyline to push through the next couple of books and to teach our Animorphs team a very important lesson about trust and the dangers of war.

In a way, THE DISCOVERY is a sad one. Yes, the poor snake, but it's sad to see the beginning of the end of a type of trust for these kids. And the levels that some people will go in order to survive or deal with their grief.

___

242. Sing Anyway by Anita Kelly--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Okay, this was adorable AF.

I wasn't expecting to love this novella so much, but yes! It was adorable and the tension between the two MCs was palpable. I love that this takes place, for the most part, during one night of bravery since the one MC is incredibly shy and socially anxious.

I loved that even though this is a novella, we had a beautifully fleshed out story of two strangers letting down their insecurities for one night in order to connect. Even though we get hints of said insecurities, they both know the importance of letting themselves love every moment of their night.

My only iffy moment was the main conflict and how easy it could have been to avoid it, but I also understand the fear of something new, especially when you have presented yourself in a certain way instead of who you regularly are. But the ending was cute af and I like that the one character did the work and the other was pleasantly surprised. It was all so satisfying.

If you're looking for a seriously cute and sexy Queer novella, then I think you should 100% add this to your TBR.

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243. The 7-10 Split by Karmen Lee--⭐️⭐️⭐️

This was cute, but something about it didn't have me hooked enough to keep me from putting it down often. I did love the rep and was intrigued by the bowling!

I picked this up for a twenty-four hour readathon and while I was hoping it would be a quick read since it's not exactly long, but every time I picked it up it felt like I was swimming uphill. The story itself was fun and cute, with a really unique concept--the bowling was something I haven't seen in a romance novel before--but something about the writing made it feel so bogged down. If it wasn't for me wanting to finish this for a challenge, I might have taken longer reading this or even abandoned it.

I did like the second chance trope and the fact that the one MC essentially had to win back the trust of the other MC. The tension between the two of them was pretty good and it got pretty steamy in some instances. I liked the side characters and how they interacted with the MCs. I do wish we had gotten some poetic justice against the principal. What a dick.

Anyway, this isn't the first teacher sapphic romance I've read, but it IS the first one that just didn't immediately grab me. Oh well, at least the story was still fun?

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244. Pumpkin by Julie Murphy--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Immediately HOOKED!

Okay, I had forgotten how freaking cute these books were, or how well written they were! I loved Pumpkin and his personality. One of the things, I think, that's important when reading this book is to remember that the MC is a teenager. There are high emotions in here, as well as a journey to discovering who the MC is, even if it means being angry with his twin sister.

Also, please, I knew who the love interest would be from the very beginning because it would have been a crime otherwise. These two work so well together, especially because it teaches the MC to not judge others by his prejudices.

The process of how the MC finds what he likes was great and eye-opening. Drag has always been this concept that feels so much bigger than life and I think Murphy wrote a great story of a teen boy finding something that makes him feel whole and happy.

PUMPKIN also tackles that difficult concept of change--especially for teenagers because change can feel like the end of the world for some. Sometimes change can be difficult, but PUMPKIN shows that it's often necessary for growth, even if it makes a person uncomfortable or upset. AND with that concept of "change", comes the other concept of "figuring out what the hell you want to do with your life". It's okay to follow your own path, even if it doesn't look like everyone else's.

Being different is okay and being yourself is beautiful!

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245. Princess Academy by Shannon Hale--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This was cute, but I definitely liked THE GOOSE GIRL more!

PRINCESS ACADEMY had that similar way of writing that THE GOOSE GIRL had and that made me really excited. Something about Hale's fantasy writing feels so easy, but in the best way. Her stories flow so well and have a way of capturing my attention. Maybe it's the straightforward way of writing the situations, or if it's the personable MCs, but I love these fantasy stories.

I liked the MC in this one because she was pretty dimensional. She wasn't just a girl who was fighting for the attention of a prince, she was someone who acknowledged that she had a past before going to the academy. She was also kind and empathetic, but also rebellious in her own way. I loved her connection to her small village and the magic that can be found in that connection.

I also loved how Hale handled the prince situation and the ending. I kind of saw it coming, but it also still surprised me. Also, the level of trust and friendship that grows between the girls throughout the book was great. I think it's a great thing for younger readers to read so they know that even in the most difficult of situations, you can still make unexpected friendships.

I'd recommend this for anyone who loves the classics like A LITTLE PRINCESS, since this has that magical feeling of friendship, family, and an MC who refuses to let go of her caring personality.

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246. Shut Up You're Pretty by Téa Mutonji--⭐️⭐️⭐️

When I first finished SHUT UP YOU'RE PRETTY, I was in a haze trying to come to terms with what I had read. On one hand, there were some pretty powerful moments where the MC realizes her worth and who she is as a person. On the other hand, however, this book just made me so incredibly uncomfortable. And as I finally write this review, I'm left with that icky feeling of discomfort.

I do, however, think it's important to acknowledge the great representation of that toxic friendship that verges on one's own sexual discovery. We never see into the best friend's mind during these sexually explicit times in their childhoods (ugh), but in their actions together we see two girls who are both seemingly escaping from either abusive lives and or that feeling of inequality that comes from being the "ugly" friend of a duo. That part hit me extra hard since my teen years and a good chunk of my twenties was full of me repressing my sexuality and being best friends with the "prettier white girl". It was a cycle that was hard to break and seeing the MC being pulled back in a few times until we never hear about the best friend again was lowkey triggering.

And we see how this lingers with the MC as she goes through an eating-disorder, body-issues, and a lack of self-appreciation in some of her relationships. The title is apt because this girl was verbally abused about her looks from a young age and despite her "physical change" as an adult, that young girl who was told she was ugly still lingers with her throughout her adulthood.

The lower rating was for the incredibly creepy things these two best friends did when they were younger and how it was described. The rest of the short stories were pretty powerful and a great exploration of how childhood trauma and grief can really change the trajectory of a life and how a person ends up seeing themselves and their worth for the rest of their lives.

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247. Land of No Regrets by Sadi Muktadir--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I love stories like LAND OF NO REGRETS because it explores the coming-of-age side of boyhood. The silly pranks, the moments of self-discovery, the naive perceptions of the world around them, and that hope that there has to be more/an escape from their current lives.

Muktadir's book was, of course, a harder to read version of that coming-of-age trope because these boys dealt with some serious abuse in this school. It showed the extremity of some branches of religion and how some parents will do anything to ensure that their children end up the way they want them to (without considering the fact that these children have their own autonomies). As a result, this was a great and tragic fable of a childhood stolen by parents' inability to understand that children are not extensions of themselves (among other things).

I really enjoyed the way LAND OF NO REGRETS was presented. It felt episodic and like we were being shown the most important points leading to that hell of a conclusion. We have the misadventures and the different people the characters meet. We see alliances form, and identities be challenged. They weren't short stories, but they were like snippets of a young life lived in a toxic and abusive environment.

And while religion is definitely an important topic in this book, I think this was more about the extremist side of religion and we hella know that all religions have their extreme nature. I liked that the MC still found his voice and questioned all that he could.

LAND OF NO REGRETS was poignant, powerful, and a bittersweet exploration of boyhood and the consequences of over-the-top expectations and what could happen when control becomes a weapon and self-expression/moral freedom is put into question.

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248. Napkins & Other Distractions by M.A. Wardell--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

Honestly, this author never misses. Wardell knows what he's doing and in this one, he doesn't hold anything back.

NAPKINS & OTHER DISTRACTIONS was such a sweet addition to this series. I think these characters are the oldest I've read in romance and it was great seeing them get their happy ever afters! This also introduced a sexual concept to me that I didn't even know existed, so that was eye-opening.

I loved the character dynamics and how they were each others' safe place, even when they felt those moments of insecurity. The representation of OCD was interesting and I feel like I learned a lot about the topic (I didn't know a lot more than the stereotypical information beforehand). I found the older MC so sweet in his treatment of his love interest. Let's not even forget to mention the level of respect between these two characters!

AND OF COURSE, that SPICE. Holy crap, this was a spicy one. I loved it, but it had even me blushing a bit. These two have a very healthy and active sexual connection and PHEW. Please. Excuse me, I need to get a glass of water.

My one negative might be the conflict and how it was handled (even if it was brief), but I DID love how it was resolved. I just think that for a couple that communicates so well, a part of the conflict was a bit of communication.

Other than that, I loved this book like I did the other two in this series! I am craving a re-read, but I don't know when it will happen because it's almost that time of the year when all I want to read are horror books…

Anyway, LOVED and highly recommend this series to everyone who loves beautiful relationships, spicy chemistry, and the cutest couples around.

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249. Delinquent Daddy & Sweet Teacher Vol. 4 by Tama Mizuki--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Devoured, as always.

I love this series so much and I'm so happy we got a new volume! In this one explores insecurities that can sometimes come up in relationships we think we don't deserve. I liked how these two characters worked through that and communicated, while also moving forward in their relationship.

There isn't much I can't say because of spoilers and it's further into the series, but this was just as cute as before. Even as things start to change and get a bit more serious when their secret relationship moves that forward step into maybe not being as secret.

I'm excited to see what's next for this couple! I'm loving their growth, not just as a couple but their independent growth as characters.

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Have you read any of these books? What were your thoughts?

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Happy reading!

[sincerelyang3l]

saw this on a Reddit thread but I’m just gonna do my own? Cry abt it? But also feel free to drop your own

😻 My Most Painful Noah Kahan Lyrics 😻

….From Stick Season

If you are emotionally unwell pls listen to noah Kahan he gets me on a different level like seriously who is this mulleted man from Vermont

“So I thought that if I piled something good on all my bad, That I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from dad” - Stick Season

“My folks still talk, they speak in these two-words sentences” - All My Love

“I still recall how the leather in your car feels And at the end of it all, I just hope that your scars healed” - All My Love

“Oh, you don't have to tell the other kids at school. My dad will strike it rich, we'll be the big house on the block. Someday I'm gonna be somebody people want” - Come Over

“Two bodies riddled with scars from our preteens��� - Everywhere Everything

(omg literally just all of orange juice I’m sorry it’s just so heavy)

“And no one will tempt you, We know you got sober.” - Orange Juice

“There's orange juice in the kitchen, Bought for the children, It's yours if you want it. We're just glad you could visit.” - Orange Juice

“Feels like I've been ready for you, To come home for so long, That I didn't think to ask you, Where you'd gone, why'd you go?” - Orange Juice

“But it made you a stranger, And filled you with anger.” - Orange Juice (this one hits so hard I literally know someone this fits exactly like what)

“That the world has changed, don't you find it strange, That you just went ahead and carried on?” - Orange Juice

“Are we all just crows to you now? Are we all just pulling you down? You didn't put those bones in the ground.” - Orange Juice

“And I divvied up my anger into thirty separate parts.” - Growing Sideways

“I’m still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them.” - Growing Sideways

“'Cause everyone's growing and everyone's healthy. I'm terrified that I might never have met me.” - Growing Sideways

“But the wreckage of you, I no longer reside in, And the bridges have long since been burned.” - Halloween

“There's a murder of crows in the low light off Boston. And I see your face in each one. I'm losin' myself in the tiniest objects.” - Halloween

“I'm hearin' your voice in a strange foreign language, If only I learned how to speak.” - Halloween

“Time moves so damn slow, I swear I feel my organs failing.” - Homesick

“I got dreams but I can't make myself believe them.” - Homesick

“Can't stay here, it's hard to face and it feels too ugly.” - Still

“A minute from home but I feel so far from it.” - The View Between Villages

“The death of my dog, the stretch of my skin, It's all washin' over me, I'm angry again.” - The View Between Villages

“I ain't proud of all the punches that I've thrown, In the name of someone I no longer know.” - Dial Drunk

“And when they ask me who I am, I'll say I'm not from around here.” - Paul Revere

“But I'm in my car and I see the yard, The patch of grass where we buried the dog. And the world makes sense behind a chain-link fence, If I could leave, I would've already left.” - Paul Revere

“I saw the end, it looks just like the middle.” - No Complaints

“The birds will still sing, your folks will still fight, The boards will still creak, the leaves will still die. We ain't angry at you, love. We'll be waitin' for you, love” - You’re Gonna Go Far

“You told me you would make a difference. Well, I got drunk and shut you down. It won't be by your own volition, If you step foot outside this town.” - You’re Gonna Go Far

[caer-gai]

Angsty Arthurian AU Idea number ???

Reincarnation AU! Ector is raising a not-yet-remembering Arthur on his own in some off the grid small town. All alone. No Kay. Arthur had this feeling of 'something missing' his entire childhood, Ector knows who it is and has just enough of an idea what's become of Kay that it hurts a lot to think about.

They gather a bunch of local reincarnations Bedivere for sure, maybe Dinadan, Morgan, Guinevere, as Arthur is remembering and coming into his destiny. They're a small, tight knit found family scrappy low resources rebellion sort of vibe. Very fun very cool.

Now, Uther is still alive and well and running his own court/cult of personality/militant group. They and Arthur's group will come into conflict but he's also got his own agenda. Anyways one of his strongest lieutenants is Lot, who runs a powerful secret base for Uther's group, where he's "training" his sons to be Uther's perfect soldiers.

He also has Kay.

Between Lot and Uther they've made Kay into the perfect weapon against Arthur: trained since he was a baby, magic forced to it's max making him really powerful (a way to describe it i came up with comes from bedivere "The magic around him was screaming") he's supposed to be unshakably loyal. Excpt the only ones he's really loyal to are Lot's kids, to which he's become a weird sort of surrogate big brother (as much as he can). They're the only one's who treat him like a human.

Gareth absolutely hero warships Kay (though in a naive 'you're such a great knight i can't wait to serve Uther too!' kind of way that hurts Kay's soul). Anyways Kay is absolutely terrifying on the battlefield, and for a long time no one and nothing can stand in his way. Until he fights Bedivere (neither know each other's identity)

Bedivere is a solid challenge on his own, but when Kay blasts him with fire it doesn't burn Bedivere. Instead it activates some sort of magic signal bound to their souls, which protects Bedivere. Now that they know both are horror struck (for different reasons) and freeze. One of Kay's "teammates" takes a cheap shot at Bedivere, but he's warned by his team and dodges away. Making him the first to ever escape Kay.

Bedivere tells his peeps about this, which sends Ector into a dark spiral and leads Arthur to ask a lot of questions. Meanwhile, Kay is back at base and not in his armour for the first time. And he's in a cell. Gawain comes to visit, angry at Kay for freezing up, mostly because it made Lot mad. he goes on at Kay for a while before Kay finally snaps and tells him that it was Bedivere he was fighting, and on top of it the signal that save Bedi's life was one he a Kay crafted together to ensure that they couldn't hurt each other.

Which ouch. Gawain tried to apologize, but Kay's too tired for this rn and goes to sleep.

That's about as far as I've gotten linearly. Two other scenes I have in mind with Kay and Gareth-

Gareth is following Kay around while he's getting ready for a mission, mentions how he wants to be just like Kay when he grows up and Kay stops what he's doing gets down on Gareth's level and looks him in the eyes and says "Beaumains, You are going to be so much better than I ever was." (One day, in a happier world and place, where Gareth doesn't have to be anyone's soldier he remembers the first life, and he remembers this and he goes to Kay and hugs him and tells him he's still his hero)

Gareth wants very badly to go with Kay on one of his missions. So badly he teaches himself to replicate Kay's fire magic, and shows it to Kay hoping to impress him. Instead Kay freaks the fuck out and yells at him and makes him promise to never show or tell anyone about this ever again. it's the first time gareth is genuinely scared of kay. Kay hates himself for it but he can't let Lot and Uther put Gareth through the same hell that has been Kay's entire life.

idk if im feeling silly enough i might do some art for this, bc the visual of badass armoured up Kay reassuring little baby Gareth is living in my brain now

[fromtenthousandfeet]

Dang, girl, you almost have me feeling sorry for Jungkook. Well, the man does love music. And OMG, does he love to sing.

I don't have the time or inclination to be an akgae, but if I did, I would do everything in my power to get NLG--masterpiece that it is--in front of as many people as possible.

Fortunately. I don't have a lot of power. Maybe I could solicit some friends to do a TikTok dance challenge. It would consist of us rocking back and forth and shouting, go,go,go,go,go,go,go,go,go,go,go! Easy-peasey, lemon squeeezy, Just the level we could carry off after a few beers.

I'd post long tirades on X and all other platforms, calling out the haters, because JK already explained why NLG is short and unfinished, poor darling, and he hopes we support it anyway, and it is so super sweet how much he love his fans, isn't it?

(Btw, can you imagine any other professional musician doing that? Releasing unfinished music and then giving excuses to your fans while asking them to buy it?)

Snarkiness aside, eventually people are going to see there is no there...there. Jungkook is like the empty vessel that takes on whatever it is they're pouring. Or maybe this is exactly what he wants and thinks he needs to achieve the super stardom he's been chasing.

I don't even know which would be worse.

Anon, thanks for the laugh!

Did my post not come across as sincere?!? To be perfectly frank, I really don't get the hype around JK. He strikes me as being just a hair above average, with the advantage of having had a lot of voice lessons. He's like the kid who gets a solo in the church choir or the lead in the high school musical. Good, but not great.

Here's the deal. I'm not a Taylor Swift fan, but I don't lose my shit if I hear one of her songs. I don't begrudge her success. I don't mind that other people love her. I literally don't care about her one way or another. And that's how I should feel about Jungkook, too, if only his career wasn't being launched at the expense of Jimin's. In my humble opinion, Jimin is the only one out the seven who has a snowball's chance in hell of succeeding in the US as a solo artist. Put all seven on equal footing and then let's see how they do.

You're dead on about releasing and making excuses for a bad song. It's sooooo unprofessional. But it doesn't really matter since his fandom eats up whatever he releases. The JJK comments I've read on Twitter in the last 24 hours are absolutely unhinged. Apparently, he is grossly neglected by both the company and ARMY!!!

And you're also right about him being an empty vessel. Do yourself a favor and Google Mijoo hand tattoo. That boy doesn't have an original idea in his head. I'm sure the Kurt Cobain quote on his arm was her idea, too, because he embodies the absolute opposite of "better dead than cool." He's an average singer, a decent dancer who is getting increasingly stiff, he has a dubious work ethic and no strong musical vision (at least so far). That is not exactly a recipe for long-term success. That Scooter push can only keep him afloat for so long. And boy did he have a lot of it yesterday. All the major music media outlets were mentioning his song, but the only engagement the posts got were from JJKs.

Look at Day 2 for Never Let Go. Nearly 45% of his streams are coming from Thailand and Vietnam.

Hmmmm. I feel like I was baited into writing this angry screed and now I feel guilty. As penance, I shall tap into those years of ballet and modern dance study from my child and teen years and commit myself entirely to making interpretive dance TikTok videos set to NLG. It's the least I can do.

[officialauthorofanotherworld]

I was a little hesitant to post this because it is borderline physically painful to read my old writing, but I think it might be cool for people to see how far i've come in five years.

Some context:

The very first version of my story began on September 25th, 2019. I was 18. I am now 23 and it is August 14th, 2024. It has been 1855 days, or five years and three days exactly. In 2020, I believe is when I scrapped the original concept (the whole, "based on a dnd campaign" nonsense) and began writing something entirely new.

Let's begin with the old stuff, but be warned that my old writing is actual, genuine garbage.

as jacob (xp to level 3) said in that one video, "gimme the garbage, gimme the trash!"

except in this case, the trash makes me feel like this gif of kyaru, and not like i am looking at overpowered dnd homebrew:

--------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a bright Spring morning in the continent of Kommodia. Spring fresh air filled the sky, newly sprouted Honeydew plants rose from the ground. It was Spring. A long dirt paved path sprawled out in front of them, trickling and snaking along the ground towards their destination, a party of three travelers bumpily rode down it towards a city. in a carriage, towards where their friend awaited their arrival. All of a sudden, the wind stilled, and a sense of dread filled the air. Something stirred outside in the trees, catching the mage, Beriyl's, eye. "Do you think those might be…" He questioned aloud. Taka finished his sentence for him. "Tch. Goblins. Tricky little bastards…." The thief, Taka, swore. Hailing from Losaira and never all that wealthy, through some strange, lucky trick of fate had he years ago somehow found himself amongst a traveling warrior on an escort mission. From there, he had met the mage who sat up front controlling the reins. Taka was happy to call those he traveled with friends.. for the most part. Sometimes the mage could be- But Taka's internal monologue was cut short when the group's mage, Beriyl, muttered an incantation. As he did so, the air around them grew cold and a bolt of ice shot out of Beriyl's hands and flew at the goblin he had targeted. The ice spike tore straight through its chest and shattered behind it. The goblin fell, bloody and dead to the ground. Acting quickly, Taka readied an arrow and loosed it into the back of a goblin. It flew through the air, and stuck in the back of the goblin with a thwack. "That's two down… Nice shot, Beriyl!" Taka commented, looking over his shoulder at Beriyl. "Not so bad yourself, halfling." Beriyl replied, snarkily. "But we all know that I, Beriyl von Aschwaz, am the GREATEST mage in all of-" Beriyl was cut off. "Shut it, Beriyl." Taka said. While they were fighting, they failed to notice that due to the goblins losing two members fairly quickly, the goblins had decided to begin a retreat back to the woods they had appeared from. Taka nocked another arrow and fired. The arrow flew through the air and stuck right into the back of one of the remaining two goblin's back with a thwack, sending the goblin to the ground. "Well, we did what we could." Taka muttered, pulling his hood over his head and falling back into his seat. "Now, mage, continue holding the reins and get us to our destination." "How rude! I'll have you know my name is-" "Yeah, yeah, your name is Beriyl, greatest mage in all of Kommodia," Taka said mockingly. "Hmph. At least you recognize my magical prower-" "No, actually, I don't. I was kidding. You aren't the greatest mage." Taka said, laughing. "…." Beriyl was very angry. The trio reluctantly continued on their slow, gradual trudge towards the city. It was an uneventful ride, aside from some screaming they heard off in the distance. When they heard that, the party unanimously agreed to continue towards Thunderfell to get the brawns of their party BEFORE attempting to chase after strange noises.

When they arrived, Arthur was very happy to see them, and made no attempt to hide that. "My friends! You have finally come! I was getting worried!" Arthur said. Taka, with a look of indignation, muttered something under his breath. "What?" Arthur asked, looking at Taka. "Nothing." Taka replied. Arthur looked strangely at Taka before shrugging it off. The wind stilled. "We have more important things to be doing than idle banter, do we not?" Taka muttered. "You are right. Arthur, perhaps it would concern you that we had heard screams while we were coming to get you. Perhaps we should check it out?" Beriyl suggested. Birds chirped in the skies, and the harsh sun continued to beat down on Thunderfell and the party. "I don't see why not. Very well, let us be off!" Arthur said, enthusiastically. And with that, they were off. Arthur hummed to himself as the carriage rocked and jumped around as the slightly dysfunctional trio headed towards their dangerous destination. "Where did we hear those screams?" Beriyl asked. "Hm. I'd say… five steps from here?" Taka answered, unsure. Beriyl laughed to himself, muttering something about "Stupid Halfling.." before replying; "Oh really? I, for one, believe it to be exactly one hundred steps from here." Beriyl said, sarcastically in his usual tone of voice. "Nineteen steps to the East." A loud, booming voice echoed overhead. A matter of seconds ago, the forest was alive with the noises of insects, birds, and other forest-y things. Now, the air was still, and the surrounding area was eerily silent. "What in god's name-" Arthur exclaimed, surprised. "What.. what was that? I've never heard anything like it." Beriyl said. Taka nonchalantly sat, arms crossed with his hood over his head. "Kch. Why should we listen to some disembodied voice?" The mage huffed and sat back down in the front, reins in his hands. "That's a good question, Taka.. for once, you ask something not entirely stup-" "Beriyl." Arthur said, cutting him off. Beriyl sighed. "Are we ready to continue onwards?" Beriyl asked, annoyed. "Yes. We should follow the directions that voice gave us, though." Arthur suggested. "Arthur, do tell.. Why should I, the GREAT Beriyl von Aschwaz, greatest mage in ALL of Kommodia listen to some PATHETIC, disembodied voi-" All of a sudden, a great gust of wind blew through the carriage, knocking Beriyl out of the left window. "Ow!" Beriyl yelled. Arthur laughed. "Maybe you SHOULD listen to it, after all."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

^ quarantined off that bad writing from my new stuff :D

Here's the opening scene of my current version. Five years of progress:

Taka screamed in terror, and shot up in his bed. His heart drummed in his chest at a rapid pace for what felt like an eternity before it finally settled down. Beads of sweat formed upon his forehead as his eyes flitted around the dim room. Everything was as he’d left it—door closed, his things atop a medium-sized, rectangular storage chest in the corner...

“…Just a dream.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, he reluctantly slid out of bed, recoiling slightly at the cold touch of the floor on the bottoms of his feet. It was moments like these that made him wish he knew even a few spells. The entire room seemed to creak loudly as it lurched to one side, the ship rocked by the violent waves. Steadying himself, he rubbed his eyes and yawned.

" ’Smooth ride’, huh?”

When the ship finally leveled out and Taka felt he could move about safely again, he did so, heading over to the lockbox in the corner and kneeling down by it. He pulled his comfortably worn dark leather boots off the box and onto the floor, then slid them on one by one. Then, he attached his pouches to his belt, and stretched the remaining dredges of sleep from his body.

Afterward, he headed over to the small mirror that sat atop a dresser alongside the leftmost wall.

In this lightless room, he could just make out his defining features; a sharp nose, and roughly chin-length deep brown hair complimented by his hazel eyes and pale skin.

“My hair’s a mess…”

Grumbling, he spent a few minutes combing through it with his fingers and wishing he’d brought a comb. When his hair seemed somewhat acceptable, he adjusted his scarf, then nodded.

“That seems good enough. Okay… Already dressed, so…”

He had on a fitted black top and pants; both were accented dark brown. His top was striking in that it had no left sleeve, and completing the ensemble was a long dark brown leather glove ending at his shoulder.

Making his final adjustments, Taka turned from the mirror, and returned to the lockbox.

“Almost forgot.”

He muttered, bending down to grab his shortbow and quiver from atop it. Slinging the bow around his shoulder and tying the quiver to his waist just above his pouches, he gave a final nod.

“Right.”

One last time, Taka scanned the room.

‘Don’t want to forget something on accident…’

When he was sure he had indeed not forgotten anything, he left the room behind for the bottom corridors of the ship.

‘Alright…’ He exhaled a nervous breath. ‘Guess I’ll get something to eat.’

-----------------

That's all from me, for now. This is the year! This is the year I finish my book, i'm so close, i'm so sad, and i'm so excited and happy!

[thetragicallynerdy]

For the writer's asks, 10, 22, and 36 if it's not too much trouble! Hope you're having a real good day!

Good morning buddy!! Oooh, sure!!

10) Cltr+f "blinks" on your WIP & copy paste the first sentence/paragraph that comes up

Jim blinks back sudden tears, shakes their head, even as their fingers curl around the earring. “Abuela, I can’t –“

:3

22) Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

Oooh, hmm. I think the main thing that comes to mind is First Person POV (I, me) and something with a lot of different POVs.

The first because I find it really uncomfortable to read/write in fanfic (I have no issue with it in traditional novels, but in fanfic it doesn't work for me). Hilariously, I don't mind writing in 2nd person POV, even though most people hate it. I prefer 3rd person, though.

And the second because I don't like writing different POVs and am not fond of reading it. A lot of fanfic writers struggle with clear POV delineation (either switching mid-scene or mid-chapter without clear breaks [I.e. a line break or a chapter break], switching mid-paragraph, or even sometimes switching mid-sentence), and it's a bit of a writing pet peeve of mine XD So I try to stick with one POV because I prefer it. I think I've only written fics that changes up POVs maybe twice? And it's always with really clear markers.

36) How do you write kissing scenes?

Asking the hard questions XD Okay, so, I'm going to answer this like a tutorial. Because the other answer is "both easily and with much difficulty while thinking about other people's mouths a lot" hahaha

First - think of the mood. What's the vibe? Urgency? Soft tenderness? Steamy makeout? Comfy lazy? What are the emotions - angry? Happy? Sad? Pining? As with all things, the mood and emotion inform the rest of the scene.

Second - physical details. I tend to focus on mouths, hands, and the rest of their body.

Mouths - I don't like putting a ton of physical detail on mouths specifically into kissing scenes (although, it depends on your level of physical detail, I think by some writers standards I am probably very descriptive). Like - brief description of their lips (soft, chapped, warm, cold, etc), what their mouth tastes like (stale morning breath, whiskey/coffee/cigarettes/ what have you, flavoured lip chap), and maybe a brief mention of tongues if they're involved (slipping into mouths, sliding over their tongue, etc).

Hands - Where are their hands? There are (typically) four involved, what are they doing? Resting on hips, wound in hair, cupping a cheek? Are they busy doing other sexy things?

Rest of their body - what actions came before/with the kiss? Was someone straddled, pinned against a wall, was it a gentle lean in, are they standing far apart stiffly like grade 8 kids slow dancing? How does their body match the mood/emotion?

Third - What are they feeling? Does being kissed make the character angry? Horny? Sad? Happy? Where do they feel those emotions/how do they experience them? Does it well up in their chest, settle in their shoulders, in their gut, etc?

These can all help with the mood/emotion mentioned earlier. A scene involving a drunk angry kiss after a fight (bleeding split lip, tasting of whiskey and cigarettes, hard mouth against theirs as a tongue slipped desperately into their mouth, pressed back against a brick wall with a hand around their throat or fisted in their hair) will feel different from a physical standpoint than a soft morning kiss between people who've been together a long time (morning breath, a sleepy smile on their mouth, hand soft on their waist, leg thrown over a hip and blankets too warm around them). The emotional response to the kiss will be different too (maybe an angry horny response vs a soft loving emotion).

Basically - kiss scenes are a great way to convey mood and character details! But also, don't overthink it too hard. It's okay to go into as little or as much detail as you enjoy. "She kissed him softly" is just as good as a much longer kiss descriptor, in the right setting. And as with all things, variation is important! (This is also how I go about writing sex scenes, generally speaking.)

This got really fucking long so apologies for that XD

Thanks so much for the asks buddy!! I hope you have a great weekend <3

Fic writer asks are here for the curious!

[trenidy-della]

I almost feel like I have been handling the recent stresses in my life too calmly.

My youngest step son was diagnosed with epilepsy on his first day of high school. He had an amazing first day and then was sitting at his computer like he normally does in the evening and just collapsed with a seizure. He went to the hospital via ambulance and had two more grand maul seizures through the night. He had one more later in the week, but it was a small tonic seizure. He has been free of them since his meds were upped to a higher dose for the last month. Then he had one at school today. He apparently felt it coming and got himself to the nurse before it came on. Then we were sitting at dinner this evening and he felt another one coming. It came on slow with an eye twitch that spread to a full clonic. It didn't last very long though the whole thing is tense and does feel like it is taking forever in the moment.

For both the initial incident a little over a month ago and today's I feel like I have handled it with more grace than expected. My anxiety is pretty high, but I am still functioning and getting stuff done. When my anxiety level gets too high usually I struggle with shutting down.

And while everything with the 14 year old is stressful enough, I have more on my plate than that. I have a new role as a Math Department Chair at my school, a department more than double the size of the staff that I had last year. We have been down two full teachers the whole year. Well mostly. We got one position filled briefly and then they quit after a week. So that has been great. (I am trying not to believe in curses, but damn, if the math department isn't cursed sometimes.) I FINALLY am supposed to have the department fully staffed by next week but I have been fielding a lot of angry parent emails and phone calls. I don't always do well with parents, and have spent a decent number of years in my career as a teacher actively avoiding parents if possible. Yet somehow I am almost revelling in dealing with the parents, as much as their disgruntled nature at the moment is stressing me out.

I've been able to count on everyone coming to work, or letting me know when something is wrong. The team comes to me and communicates with me. Which is awesome so that we can plan ahead and take care of issues as soon as possible, like covering classes this afternoon when one of the teachers got into a car accident this morning on the way to work. (She is okay. Very shaken up and had her airbag deployed so she will be out a few days.) This communication was not what I was getting from my smaller department last year. (One of the members of my team last year did a no-call, no-show AGAIN this year. I wrote him up for it at least 3 times last year. Their new manager is trying not to lose her mind.)

In addition to Department Chair and Sick Kid, I have also stepped up one of my secondary job titles of Lead Technology Liaison. I'[ve been meeting with the IT staff regularly to help finish the last of our transitions from our old parent company, and make sure that everything that we are doing in the process makes sense and is as seamless as possible. They are a great group and I am really enjoying working with them. It feels like we are finally making some positive changes that we were not able to make with our multinational giant corporate conglomerate overlords from before.

Oh... and did I mention that my Math Department is also onboarding as many people as all of the other departments combined? We had to clear house last year because of soooo much awful dead weight that was contributing to the downfall of our academic program. (When the kids say they learned nothing, I very much believed them.)

And while the list of stressors imply that I should be ready to collapse under the weight of it.... I feel like I'm not. I feel like I am rising to the occasion far better than I had to last year's challenges. I feel like I have calm and rationality in the face of it all, even when I feel like I have no reason to be.

I'm still not drinking, which I think has helped. I have continued to go to the gym and I work with a personal trainer at least once a week. My eating habits are okay... my sugar consumption is a little fucked since that seems to be the one place where my stress is really manifesting. Some dark chocolate something is just... *chef's kiss* when I want to run screaming from my responsibilities. I otherwise eat pretty healthy. Mostly "low carb" but high fiber and high protein.

I also did not expect this to get this long.

[searchupthisblog]

I think my relationship with my best friend is coming to an end and it makes me sad

It's not going out with a bang, but instead a drizzle

The damn is loosing water through a small crack, but it's been a while, so it's nearly empty

There wasn't a big fight, it's just...fading, horribly.

He's never honest with me anymore, he uses kid gloves with me in the most infuriating way, I hate being treated like a child because my life has done a 180, I hate that I feel like he's looking down on me despite the fact he would be homeless without the kindness of others. He's had it rough, very rough, I would never call him lucky, but his life has been filled with far more support than mine, so it feels like a slap in the face when he treats me this way. I hate feeling vindictive towards him, that in itself makes me angry and sad, but no matter what, our relationship is getting worse, not better. I can't stand him sometimes now, and that makes me want to cry. He's been my favorite person on the planet for so long. But he's so inattentive, so petty, so dishonest and emotionally distant now. I've tried to improve things, but it's been years of him putting so little into our relationship, and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I know he's dealing with a lot, I know he has it rough, and yet I feel like he's better to everyone else. I don't really know why he even keeps me around anymore. I always seem like an afterthought, an inconvenience. I just... I don't want to be around someone who can't handle my shit anymore. I try my best to keep my chronic illness and trauma from affecting everyone else, but sometimes I can't. And he can't handle it. He acts like he can, and he can't. I don't even know if he cares anymore, he seems more emotionally numbed to my situation than I do. He is so damn pessimistic, the world is always burning, and I know the way his brain is made just makes it that way, but it's so frustrating not being able to walk for 6 months and having him act like "thats just a thing that happens idk" I just feel so done I can't handle the lack of empathy, the avoidance, the not texting me back for weeks at a time. Taking care of him in high school was fine, I was okay with it, but now, I need someone to take care of me, and he cannot do that. It's okay, it isn't his fault, but I'm sad to see this end. And yet I feel relieved. And I think, I can never allow myself to be this close to someone this unstable ever again. Not because it's wrong to be unstable, but because I'm *always* expected to be the stable one. No matter what. And I can't do that to myself anymore. I'm literally incapable of doing that now. I have so many people to take care of, even in the state I'm in, I can't add another person who burns the world down every few months. Not again. I can't have friends like this again. I need people who can support me like I support them, I need people with empathy and compassion, and people who will actually talk to me. I need people who actually treat me like a friend, and I don't need this. I am tired of standing next to someone digging themselves into a hole as I try to shovel the dirt out, only to fall down into the hole with them. It is not his fault he was dealt these cards, but on some level, he needs to take some personal responsibility, and I can't make him do that.

[fakeosirian]

working out more character dynamics for foyf via post again since apparently it makes my brain run better don't mind me (read if you like long-winded armchair psychoanalysis? not kidding it's nearly 4k words under there)

re: fabian's sinner capture, there's a sort of "party line" developing that divides fabian, nina, eddie, and patricia in their opinion of how "to blame" he is

fabian personally holds himself entirely to blame, to the point of not acknowledging that uh, other people did have an impact on that situation; claiming full responsibility and not letting that go, while "noble" and better than shirking it, isn't exactly beating the prideful allegations or helping him not repeat the same mistake again

nina, out of the loop until very recently, is having a completely natural strong emotional reaction primarily based in concern, but her means of expressing concern sounds a Lot like criticism/scolding (and people have come to expect this from her, so they may be more sensitive to it/touchy about it than otherwise) -- ultimately she believes in fabian's good intentions, but she also is in the habit of looking to him for answers/trusting his assessments, so if he's getting angry at her for not agreeing with him that he's a bad person, she's going to scold him extra hard (both "you're wrong" and also "well stop acting bad then!") so he can start feeling reliable again. for his own sake, but tbh, for her sake, too.

eddie complicates matters (not by choice -- he does Not want to play messenger despite doing it anyway) because he and KT are in the unique position of being the only two with complete knowledge of the events of the years previous (or at least as complete as is feasible), and he has a far more forgiving and easygoing disposition relatively speaking. he knows fabian messed up, but he's not alone in that, and eddie simply can't be bothered to fixate on him as some sort of problem in perpetuity now that the crisis was averted. he worries about fabian's emotional state (and patricia's! since she's having similar issues), and he knows you can't just get over it overnight, but he insists that it "wasn't that big of a deal since it's all fine and it wasn't really you" in a way that can come off dismissive. basically, he's probably got a healthier picture of what happened, but that's a luxury he can afford to have. those blaming themselves don't respond well to it, and it has mixed results with those who are still trying to grasp what even happened (since it's a "skipping to the end of all of the emotional work and telling you the answer" sort of response on his part -- there's not much else you can expect from him here, but that's still what it is)

patricia is very interesting because she both understands fabian's perspective better than anyone else (besides alfie, but i've chosen to characterize his self-reflection re: his sinner situation as far more successful thus far because of his circumstances). because of that, she's prone to accidentally turning it into a "competition" with him for who fucked up worse. (a competition he will certainly entertain and is equally likely to start with her, too.) that uh, doesn't exactly help either of them much in the short term, but i think having a mirror held up to your face via another person will, over time, increase the chance that at least one of them will have an epiphany about their actual level of responsibility for what happened (ie. yes, that was you, but fixating on it till it defines you is admitting defeat. you can't morally bludgeon yourself into being a better person). that being said, the high of being able to shed people's expectations of you and embrace being kind of a mess is good in moderation -- if they shrunk back from others to feed this dynamic alone, the "connection" would turn regressively malignant fast.

that being said! ultimately, patricia is inclined to fall on the party line of "it really wasn't as bad as fabian thinks it was" with eddie, while fabian and, to a lesser extent, nina are the ones more concerned.

i focused on fabian's situation and not patricia or alfie (or victor or sweet for that matter lol) because i've been writing scenes relating to it for a while now, but i don't think patricia's would be too much different since it is inextricably linked. people just get shuffled up a bit; patricia is obviously fully convinced of her own guilt, and while he still has that optimistic and forgiving pov, i think eddie would have to see her situation differently than fabian's. yeah, he knew what a sinner was when he made his Big Mistake and she didn't, but the reason for patricia's sinner capture was directly related to eddie personally (and from his pov, more of a "long-running issue" for her). eddie doesn't have a grip on fabian's prideful streak from the years before, so lacking that info, is far more likely to dismiss his behavior in s3 as "situational" (explosive reaction to nina's departure, generally paranoid and horrible vibes bringing out the worst in people, taunted in a weak moment) vs. a consistent character flaw -- he's going to see patricia in shades of grey because of the pressure on their relationship that predated s3 (and thus informed the Problems that precipitated her capture). as a result, i think he's more likely to rank someone knowing about sinners or not as less important than their actual behavior and thought process, which would naturally lead him to be easier on fabian and harder on patricia.

that being said, he's definitely not as hard on her as she is; it wouldn't be quite the fabian and nina dynamic re: fabian's capture, as he doesn't have a complex re: loss of control the same way she does, but it'd certainly bother patricia a lot when he continues to draw lines between their present relationship issues and the sinner incident (even if it's out of concern and wanting her to heal from that). it all comes down to the same issue they've had all along: he wants her to just trust him, not like it's easy, but at least like it's something she wants to do; she wants to, but trusting itself is not the hard part: it's the fear of breaking it later that prevents her from taking the leap.

fabian would believe patricia relatively innocent on the basis that she just couldn't have known. yes, he'd empathize with her feelings in spite of that, but because his own issues are so rooted in "i should have known better," he's going to project that priority, even when it's not super appropriate (which, while patricia should take it to heart that she really couldn't have known better in a lot of ways, it does nothing to address the topic she's struggling with, and thus comes off dismissive). nina, similarly, would be shocked/upset that it happened at all, and while she historically has put a lot of emphasis on results vs intentions, i think being away from anubis house would give her a lot of perspective on that, tbh. s2's high stakes + her natural inclination to not handle loss of control well = explosive reactions to people making mistakes; distance makes the heart grow fonder, though, and it's kinda fucked up, but fabian making a mistake that seems far more like an active choice (from her deeply flawed understanding of the situation) would throw patricia into sharp (and sympathetic) relief.

in my eyes, nina is the type to always find something to be worried about (especially after all she's been through training her to look for danger all the time), but she's very practical in that she's going to focus the most on the biggest problem. (other problems will absolutely influence how she handles being upset about that biggest problem, but her conscious focus is in one place.) if fabian's looking like his moral compass has been compromised, patricia suffering a lapse in judgment over a seemingly-unrelated problem (her relationship with eddie) and having that exploited in a way she couldn't possibly have predicted is, relatively speaking, not that big of a deal. it's just not something nina's concerned about her repeating to the same catastrophic effects, and tbh, it's totally in-line with nina's picture of patricia as long as she's known her. fabian, though, has broken her expectations of him, and thus she has a hard time even "knowing who he is" (which he'd echo and insist on even more than nina would; any lingering trust she has in his perspective would only reinforce her lack of trust in him in a really screwy paradoxical sort of way).

i love that nina and eddie, despite confiding in one another about their feelings on this situation more freely than with other people (save KT -- she's got the most unique position here imo), end up mirroring fabian and patricia in that they have roughly the same "experience" of the situation, but the details force them in opposite directions that feed on one another. eddie has a vested interest in keeping nina from getting too upset about something that's "already over," but nina can't help but look for more information that will hurt her to sate her fear of "missing something important."

ironically, while they're not Guaranteed Healthy, fabian and patricia have a dynamic (read: gallows humor, self-critical commiseration, and ultimately open argument) that lends itself better to healing and mutual understanding than nina and eddie at this point; if you asked him if he thought keeping information from someone would help them, he'd say no, but he's still...sorta ascribing to that belief anyway because he sees nina learning too much too fast from "unreliable sources" and getting upset as a "failure" -- why? well, being "left in charge" by her, being "in charge" of the subsequent disaster, and seeing her disappointment (not necessarily with him, but he'd take it that way) in real time would make anyone feel like a screwup. nina getting stressed in particular is a failure in and of itself to him as a "protector" (same way that fabian sees it, the only difference being fabian's been eating away at that feeling for years and it's finally coming to a head vs. eddie who's coasting through it relatively fresh), so his focus is more on reassuring her via statements of "fact" than working through the feelings with her, even the ugly ones. nina should probably take his word for things a bit more and learn to live in the discomfort of not knowing everything (and most of her ugly feelings should be discussed directly with fabian), but as someone who understands her mindset, "just be ok with being uncomfortable" is easier said than done. especially without actively being in therapy. lol.

fabian and eddie, despite being of polar opposite mindsets re: this whole mess, are able to get along (and even improve their relationship?) because eddie's pattern of being hands off and chill and then directly reality-checking fabian when he starts the conversation about something demonstrates the efficacy of trust through action over a long period of time vs. huge declarations that are easier to reject wholesale as theatrics/failure of reasoning. fabian can only insist eddie not trust him for so long before it starts feeling a little ridiculous. (eddie's practiced trust building over and over with patricia, and while fabian does have pretty potent trust issues at this point, they're not NEARLY as deep-seated as patricia's, so he doesn't have the practice she does at dismissing eddie's attempts. he might not buy in all the way, but eventually he'd feel like more of a dick for shutting eddie down over and over than he would for easing up a bit the compulsive self-punishment he thinks he deserves. it's a war of attrition, at the end of the day, and fabian will lose. the real conflict then becomes keeping it up enough to get him to the inevitable, since i think he'd be able to see this happening and would probably get a little stubborn about it to avoid admitting he's wrong for as long as he can stand, lmfao.)

i want to develop the dynamic between nina and patricia more since i think there's a lot of potential for interesting movements there, especially in contrast to fabian and eddie (who, despite being awkward around each other, are very functional, an irony that shocks everyone involved i'm sure). i don't think they'd be dysfunctional -- if anything, i think nina might actually try extra hard to be kind and forgiving to patricia (and i've started setting that up in ch9). why? well, historically they've had a hard time trusting one another because of misunderstandings beyond their control, and while that's something that faded into the background over time, the perspective nina got from being away would make her value that sort of hard-fought trust more than trust that felt "easy" or "natural" before. patricia isn't automatically receptive to someone making that argument -- see: her entire back-and-forth history with eddie -- but nina in particular might be able to sell her on it because their original beef was so intense and so soundly overcome. and nina is also uh...a bit of a grudge holder, as well, so if she's telling you you're fine, well. i think patricia would recognize she's not bullshitting her, and she doesn't have the same sort of bias fabian (to center his own crimes as worse) or eddie (to convince patricia she's "not actually that bad") have. she has bias, OBVIOUSLY, but if anything, patricia was expecting nina to eviscerate her. that isn't to say it'd be easy -- and tbh i think they'd get frustrated with one another after the initial olive branch due to the poor read on one another's motives/feelings they're liable to have since they've both changed and not since the beginning of s1 -- but between patricia offering an alternative (and probably more useful, to nina specifically) perspective on fabian's sinner capture and nina offering an alternative perspective on patricia's struggles with trusting eddie, there's a lot of potential for a "lightning strike" moment for both of them there.

nina doesn't really? ever? comment on peddie in canon? but i feel like at this point, she'd be able to "reality check" patricia (in the same way eddie can "reality check" fabian) and actually get through to her. not too nice/soft (easy to dismiss as "not getting it"), potentially too harsh in an accidental backhanded sort of way, but patricia responds more readily to feeling attacked than feeling coddled (more familiar), and under the right conditions, i think a "mild" attack from nina "chronic inappropriate reactions" martin would encourage patricia to actually stand up for herself in a productive way. patricia acts how she wants in response to her feelings, even hurting eddie on purpose in some situations, but she doesn't "stand up for herself" in the sense that she doesn't refute people's criticisms and negative perceptions of her. "act untrustworthy to make sure no one trusts you so you can't mess up, since no one trusted you in the first place," self-fulfilling prophecy shit.

nina, someone who had to work to trust patricia and vice versa, expressing disagreement with patricia's perception of a situation (especially after expressing sympathy re: other situations) would actually shock her into defending her own position out of spite (IRONY ALERT) and manifest as true self-defense vs. rejecting what she sees as "pity." that self-defense would be the first step to actually learning how to trust, too, because like fabian, her poor relationships with people are founded in her inability to trust herself. that disconnect makes it hard to give other people the benefit of the doubt as a baseline, so reconnecting with her own subjectivity in an earnest way would make it infinitely easier to understand other people (since she already wants to, she just can't square it with her fears in her head). basically, she trusts nina to not go soft on her, and she also doesn't think nina has a good grasp on what happened. of course, neither of them have a great grasp on it, but they'll have a better chance of finding an acceptable truth between one another when they're not letting their other baggage hold them up.

to sum up:

fabian and nina agree on patricia's circumstances in a way that will ultimately help patricia gain perspective to heal, and it sets them apart from eddie to a lesser extent. they agree on fabian's circumstances in a way that pushes them apart since they're mutually inventing proof that they're "right." this could go on for a WHILE without intervention, but between a) other people getting sick of witnessing this and b) the two of them getting exhausted with being upset with each other, something's going to give eventually. the real rub is how well they actually reconcile (ie. actually laying everything out on the table, even if it's upsetting at first, vs. doing what they have before which is make easier but incorrect assumptions until something snaps and the cycle begins again).

patricia and eddie agree on fabian's circumstances in a way that does very little to impact him but does A LOT to push them apart (since eddie can't understand why patricia won't apply the same logic to herself), compounded by them agreeing on patricia's circumstances in terms of her being the "worse problem" (proximity bias). because this is a long-standing issue between them that has basically nothing to do with nina or fabian, outside interference can go either way re: helping or hurting. (as the fic progresses, this is critical point of failure -- easily visible example: fabian doesn't want to break them up, but he doesn't want to push them together, either, re: his own feelings.)

eddie and nina have the weakest relationship with one another out of the whole group of four, and by that i mean they know each other the least well. they have a very literal special bond, but they don't know much about it, they haven't had much interaction in person in the same place, and their approaches to interpersonal issues could not be more different. as a result, their disagreements over both fabian and patricia put some strain on their ability to understand one another (especially since there's the added complication of eddie's direct experience vs. nina's lack of re: s3, and vice versa for the events of s1-s2). however, their emotional stakes in an argument with one another are FAR lower because they're less close, so they gain a lot of insight into the "other side" by hashing it out. the biggest complication is eddie's tendency to self-sacrifice for nina. he's more likely to hold back when he shouldn't, and if she notices, she won't like it. they'd end up arguing more about metacommunication (how you said something/if you aren't saying something/etc) than the actual problem at hand, tbh, which isn't helpful in and of itself, but getting tired of arguing about it could be (both for their relationship and for their relationships with the other two). once they're capable of being very frank with one another, i think they'd have one of the more stable mutual understandings of all of these pairups (which will get very fun once the poly hell REALLY gets going).

patricia and fabian, on the other hand, have a VERY long and varied history with one another, and thus would be inclined to respect one another's flawed self-perception enough to hear one another out, but they will argue about it and ultimately only be able to agree on their self-punishment being appropriate/deserved. in a vacuum, this is only going to make them worse, but they're not in a vacuum. if one of them makes progress, the other one is not far behind (with growing pains, of course) because of the nature of their feedback loop. however, long term that creates the problem of associating the now strengthened relationship they have with their darker impulses, so i anticipate guilt-for-being-close-with-you featuring more frequently as time passes.

eddie and fabian have a historical dynamic that is very uncertain/subject to change from moment to moment, but the fact that they're still roommates without killing each other, they still talk even when it's uncomfortable, and they still enjoy each other's company despite...a LOT of reasons not to in the past...is proof-through-action that missteps between them are not fatal. they don't have extended conversations about the nitty gritty of their issues (usually leaving it at "dude that sucks" or "that's not true man"), but that contrast works in their favor as a "balancing" agent. improvement and progress are rarely planned -- you do just keep going in the middle of crisis and beyond. of course, their feelings about one another intersecting with their feelings about other people makes things awkward, and they do have a fundamental disagreement about the moral questions of the year previous, but the fact that those things don't make life unlivable is extremely reassuring. learning to live with the discomfort type shit. the trust that grows there is extremely natural and "sneaks up on them" as a result.

similarly, nina and patricia have a similar "learn to live with the discomfort" theme, but the method is completely different. they do talk about stuff in the nitty gritty, but because their relationship is already based in defying one another's expectations, they're able to cut through a LOT of bullshit much faster. there's a lot of "i have no reason to lie" being thrown around here, so even though they might view each other as harboring flawed reasoning and resent the other for it, they never disbelieve that it's held in earnest -- that makes it much easier to eventually come to discard beliefs that don't stand up to scrutiny because there's far less ego involved in who is "right" and who isn't when you already got through that phase with a person. (patricia's transgressions are also far less personal to nina, so she's simply not going to be as pressed about it in the first place; patricia would be inclined to come to fabian's defense, but because a lot of nina's issue is believing the bullshit he tells himself that patricia has a lot of experience arguing with, she's in a prime position to point out to nina where she's right and where she's not re: fabian.)

i still haven't worked out who's going to end up flirting with who and when (since oh yeah by the way i updated the relationship tags <3) and that will HEAVILY impact how ^ all of that plays out (part of the reason why i wrote a lot of it in a theoretical tone despite being. in full control of the events.) but i think i'm going to leave that to a different post. lmfao

[greyeyedmonster-18]

The Best Worst Thing to Have Ever Happened pt. 6

read parts 1-5 here (links to part 5, the rest are there)

AU in which Jily is still alive but Harry chooses to stay with Wolfstar and everything is worse now.

(thanks for following along, bebes and letting me guide you through another heartbreaking endeavor. xoxo)

--

January 1996

“So I don’t…have to go back?” Harry asked from their kitchen table, looking at Remus over the sandwich he prepared. Their kid had come home, duffle over his shoulder, running to their bedroom to find Sirius, without even having been filled in on the details. He was just happy to have an excuse to be there against his godfather's side. Sirius had slept for the longest length of time in months, dodging the alarm clocks and morning sun, even as both Remus and Harry got out of bed. Remus told him to take his time, last Remus saw Sirius had been immersed in a long shower.

“Do you want to?”

“Not really.”

“Then, no.” Remus did his best to keep his voice level, not wanting to show Harry just how truly angry he still was. Even through James calling through the mirror. Even with the post received that morning from Lily asking just to talk. Remus wasn’t interested in talking. Remus was only interested in guarding Harry and Sirius, and though he never thought it would be the case, that meant staying away from Lily. And James.

“But I thought….” Harry trailed off, eyes going down to his plate, “I thought I couldn’t? I don’t want to be a pain, I’m not…it’s fine over there, Moony, I promise. They’re nice!”

Remus put down his cup to put two fingers under Harry’s chin, tilting his face upward again so they could make eye contact, “I know this has gotten very messy, and that is our fault entirely. You are a child--”

“I am not.”

“You will be my child until I am dead and buried, love, that’s just how it works. You’ll forty and I’ll be…one hundred probably and you will still be my kid,” Remus told him, “What I mean is…you are not responsible for the actions of the people who are supposed to take care of you. None of this is your responsibility to worry about, but it’s very kind that you are. Makes you a good person.”

Dark eyebrows knitted together behind glasses, “So what happens now?

“I don’t know yet,” Remus admitted, “I had only gotten so far as to this moment…and unfortunately may need to ask Sirius for some…guidance for the next parts.”

Harry grinned softly, “Might make me a bad person, a bit, but I kind of like it when Sirius scolds someone who isn’t me...like when he goes and shouts at Snape?”

“Cheers to that, love.” Remus returned his smile, raising his cup to his lips as Harry went back to lunch, both of them eagerly waiting for Sirius to come downstairs.

--

“He deserves to get to know them, Remus.”

“They don’t deserve to get to know him.”

“She was just mad.”

“I've been mad at you plenty and have never said those things.”

“Remus.”

“Sirius.”

Sirius sighed and ran a hand over his hair, pulling back the covers on the bed, “I--”

“I’m glad, that you can forgive and I am glad that you are made up of second chances, Sirius when it comes to how you’re treated. But I’m not, and I…I am happy to supervise their visits again but like hell is he spending a single night over there.”

“I’m just trying to figure out how this can be amicable.”

“Amicable stopped being a possibility the second they asked the ministry to keep looking.”

Sirius cleared his throat and crossed to where Remus was standing at the bathroom sink. He wrapped his arms around his husband's waist from behind, settling his forehead into his shoulder. He could’ve stayed there forever. Where it was simple and easy and his husband could hold some of the weight he’d been carrying around since he had woken up in the dead of night with a feeling. It was still there. “Fudge says it…shouldn’t take too long for the case to get closed because they…don��t really have one. Harry won’t be involved at all.”

“Good,” Remus said and Sirius wished he could detach the way Remus had. Pretend it was just two strangers and not his best friend and his wife. Not the person whose family had raised him. Remus's hand fell on top of Sirius’s around his waist and Sirius could feel his fingers trace over the tattoo of Harry’s birthday on his wrist, “In case I make fun of you for it again later and forget…thank you for obsessively keeping every bit of documentation about Harry we’ve ever gotten. Neatly organized too. I’d be very fucked without you.”

Sirius laughed, kissing the top of Remus’s shoulder through his long sleeve shirt.

--

James had floo-ed over to Number 12, Harry set to go back to school in just under two weeks, wanting to spend time while he could. Harry was alone in the sitting room when he arrived. He had stayed up talking with Sirius late into the night, not quite having the words to cover everything Lily had said or erase them completely. Even if Sirius was quicker to put things aside, clinging to everything that was familiar, even if it wasn’t good for him, James knew Sirius remembered everything. James knew the hurt was still lurking in the caverns of his best friend's body, alongside the words Orion and Walburga Black had said to him as a child.

He’s not your kid sitting comfortably next to You’re not wanted here, Sirius, get out.

“Oh. Hey,” he greeted when he saw James, not quite a smile, but not quite a frown either.

“Hey, are…your…Remus and Sirius here?”

Harry nodded, “They’re around. Did you see the snow? We could probably have a proper fight in the backyard…”

“Sounds good,” James smiled, “I’m going to go find them, just let them know?"

“I’ll be here,” Harry looked back down, at the book in his lap but the color of the pages caught James’s eye.

“What are you working on?”

“Oh, uh…it’s just my journal. Nothing important.”

“I journal too. Did you know that?”

“Mhmm. Sirius told me. That’s why I started…he gave me all of your old ones too. So I could get to…know you, I guess,” Harry looked up at him again, “Kind of weird that I read them now considering…I think I know too much.”

Sirius told me.

The journal even looked the same as the one James wrote in.

James snorted, “Please tell me you stopped before seventh year?”

“I really wish I did.”

--

Lily was in the kitchen, putting biscuits onto a tray, ready to go join Harry, Remus, and James in the sitting room, the snow falling outside. Everything was made fresh, and Lily asked Harry to pick a record to listen to. There was faint music playing, light conversation, a noticeable space in the room that would’ve been for Sirius had he wanted to come over again. He hadn’t spoken to Lily, aside from through cordial post regarding Harry, even if the early morning mirror conversations had resumed with James.

“Is this Joni Mitchell?” Lily asked, guitar filling the sitting room, Harry coming to sit in the armchair.

“Yeah,” Harry grinned, “She’s the best for snow days.”

“I love Joni Mitchell. Did you know that?”

Harry nodded again, taking the cup of tea Lily held out for him, “Thank you. Sirius told me. We have a bunch of records that used to be yours, play them a lot. I suppose you could have them back?”

“No…no, keep them.”

--

There was a knock at the door of his study and Sirius sat up from where he was reclining in his desk chair. He was supposed to be collecting documentation, the entire cabinet in his desk designated for Harry pulled open and untouched. Birth certificate, schooling records, every single Healer appointment, and broken bone; a drawing Harry had made at nine that won a prize at school, his first detention from Hogwarts, a copy of a Hogsmeade permission slip. Not a single moment of Harry’s life had gone unaccounted for, and all that was going to be used to prove to a court--a fucked up system that Sirius worked every day to overturn--that Remus and Sirius should be able to keep him.

They left you with me, and I got to keep you.

But he hadn’t been left with Sirius at all and filing to keep him felt dirty. Even if it might be necessary.

Harry opened the door, Sirius immediately glancing at the clock on the wall to get the time, confirming that it was late. Harry didn’t have his glasses on, sweatpants hanging on his hips, and a Hufflepuff sweatshirt pulled over his head that was a little big on him.

“Did you come to tell me to go to bed?” asked Sirius jokingly

“As long as you don't tell me, I won't say a thing."

“Moons can deal with both of us being cranky tomorrow then…” Sirius said, offering a smiling and leaning forward onto the surface of his desk, after flipping over the document that was definitely not for Harry’s eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Just some filing.”

“Is it about the court case?” Harry had made his way into the study, taking a seat on the leather chair by Sirius’s bookshelves. The ones that were separate from the library and mostly contained legal texts.

“Don’t worry about that, babe.”

“I’m already worrying about it, so you and Remus telling me not to really isn’t helping.” Harry muttered, picking at a thread of his sweatshirt.

“Is that why you’re up?”

“Mmm…yep. Yes. That’s exactly why I’m up. Just…worrying.” Harry said half-convincingly and Sirius snorted out a laugh. Almost sixteen meant a blatant insistence of not needing to go to bed before midnight. Almost sixteen meant navigating an over-tired teenager who had clearly not gone to sleep and had a tendency to get very weepy when that was the case. Almost sixteen also meant that staying up to talk to his boyfriend through a gifted two-way mirror was the most important thing in the world. Sirius remembered feeling that way. “Do…you think they…they’re mad at me?”

“No one's mad at you, Harry. I promise.”

“Okay, but what happens when everything's set with the ministry? What if they’re just…mad?”

Sirius stood up from behind his desk to walk over to Harry, taking a seat on the ottoman next to his godson’s bare feet. “They won’t be.”

“But what if they are?”

“Then you tell me, and I’ll take care of it. That’s how things work right?” Sirius asked him, catching green eyes, and reaching up to pull the fingernail he was chewing on out of Harry’s mouth, “Just as things have always worked. Someone is being rude to you, or you think they’re mad and you don’t know what to do, you talk to me and Moony and we’ll take care of it.”

“You can’t do that forever you know…fix things.”

“Watch me.” Harry rolled his eyes, but caught himself before his other hand made it into his mouth, “Yeah?”

“I guess.”

Sirius waited, keeping his eyes on Harry, and keeping his hand where it was. Adolescence was just a waiting game, it turned out. Waiting to get taller, waiting for his voice to drop, waiting to be picked up and dropped off, waiting to be old enough to make your own decisions, and waiting to remember what it was like to be young again. Waiting for the world to stop being a series of never-ending questions and start being a place full of magic. Sirius had learned quickly if he just waited…Harry would put pride aside in favor of some answers.

“Why...are they so mad at you? I don’t understand. I’ve tried to, I really have, and…to think how they must be feeling? But I don’t…get why they’re mad at you.”

Sirius smiled sadly, “I…think sometimes, mad is just easier. We’ve talked about that, right?”

“Yeah but I’m a teenager, I'm allowed to get mad at stupid things because hormones," Sirius couldn't help but chuckle, "They're not...and you said it goes away? That you’re supposed to be old and wise and all that and not get mad for no reason?"

“People are imperfect, my love. Including your parents--”

“They’re not my parents.”

“James and Lily,” Sirius corrected, “I’m also imperfect, so is Remus, and…we all make mistakes and it's unfortunate you’re in the crossfire. But we’ll sort it out and it’s far too exhausting to stay mad forever.”

But Harry shook his head, “You’re wrong.”

“Am I?”

“You and Remus were the best things to ever happen to me. That…you’re the perfect people for me. So you’re wrong.”

“I’ll be wrong,” Sirius said softly, Harry’s hand squeezing his own.

I got to keep you.

His kid.

--

Harry stood on the platform in front of the scarlet steam engine, holding onto his trunk as Sirius's arms rested on his shoulders. James and Lily were there too, after a few more missteps over the holiday that were done with the best of intentions. There was some saying about that wasn’t there? That it never ended up well?

It hadn’t.

But Sirius was there, and all Harry had to do was sign a piece of paper saying he wanted to stay with Remus. And Sirius. And that no amount of magic could chance that. Most days, Harry had trouble deciding what kind of tea he wanted for breakfast or choosing the correct answer on a test he definitely should’ve studied more for, but this? Was the easiest decision he had to make in a long while. The paper glowed gold and so did the lining around Harry’s heart that had been drawn tight for weeks.

Harry didn’t know what exactly had happened but had gotten one too many warnings from Sirius to stop asking, Harry James to know it hadn’t been something light. There was still shattered glass that was being picked up, dinner time conversations occasionally halting when a piece was found. All Harry knew now was that he didn’t have to spend a night on strange sheets unless he really wanted to. Everything could happen as he wanted it to, how it was supposed to be.

Harry shifted on his feet and looked up at Sirius, finally feeling ready to leave as he spotted curly brown hair walking towards the train, “I’ll see you in June?”

“Before then.”

“February?”

“Better.”

Harry grinned and turned around giving Sirius a brief hug before anyone saw him, taking a step back away from his godfather. “And…I can call you?”

“Whenever you want, babe. Same as always,” Sirius told him, “And Sunday’s for tea. I’ll be there. Be good, yeah?”

“I know, I know. No skiving off to snog, study before tests, no missing work, got it.”

“I love you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Harry responded, turning away from Sirius’s smiling face to look at James and Lily standing there. I love you definitely wasn’t right. I’ll miss you wasn’t right either. “I’ll…write. I’ll write you?”

“We would love that, Harry,” James said smiling, extending his hand for Harry to slap it as they had been doing for months as hello and goodbye.

“Write us…whenever you want.” Lily added.

Harry still wasn’t sure what to do with her. He had never had a mother before and wasn’t sure he needed one now. Not when everything Mum’s apparently did was already being covered. And…maybe that was the whole point.

It wasn’t a need.

It was going to have to be a want and there was still time for that. Harry had plenty of room in his heart for that.

“I…I’m sorry this didn’t turn out like you hoped,” Harry said before he could stop himself, noises of the platform filling his ears and Sirius’s expression shifting, “But…I kind of told you, I already have parents, and they’re really great. They…make sure I’m polite and turn in my homework and insist I eat vegetables and all that. I…don’t need two more, and I don’t need you. I’m really happy, you know? I’m just fine, more than fine, even. And I'd...be fine if you hadn't shown up. I'd be happy.”

“We know, Harry. It’s okay.”

“No…I mean…I’ve already got parents…but,” Harry paused, “I’ve…never really had godparents before. And...I think I'd like that.”

[crymeariveronceagain]

No pressure to answer, but what did you think stellarlune was going to be like?

dude idek at this point

like

*sighs*

if im being honest

Sophie leaving the Keefe thing alone and focussing on ending things. Keefe can be someone we bring home after there's no more danger to it. I wanted no Keefe POV, no Keefe screen time, no searching for him. I wanted the lack of Keefe being a driving internal conflict in Sophie's mind, the fact that one of her friends has been so damaged and scared that he's gone pushing her to work harder, smarter, better. I wanted bloody murder and rage to stream out of her. I wanted that little girl turned warrior that's been trained for years to finally come to the surface.

I wanted her to... kind of? Crush our expectations of her?

For so long, we've been following this terrified kid.

And I wanted this time when Keefe leaves to break something. But break something correctly.

I want her to be mad. I want her to quit following the expected rules. I want her in jeans and a t-shirt, with a sword in her hand, staring down her enemies with the glare she always aims at Fintan. I want an intensity from her that we haven't seen so far.

And I don't want canon Sokeefe. Not yet. I don't want him back. Not yet. It's too soon, and it's the wrong thing to focus on. I want the plot to be resolved before I want them together. I'll take another book of waiting if at the end of it, Sophie Foster is the warrior that the world needs.

In fact, another book of waiting is what I'd prefer.

I want to stop pushing her towards relationships. It's taking too much of her time. I want that to be the cherry, not the ice cream. And it feels like(especially as I've been reading Flashback again) that whenever the romance comes into it, nothing else matters. And that bugs me.

Because Sophie Foster does not need a boy.

And the boy don't need her, either.

But if they want that, then I want them to work for it. Work on themselves.

And I'd like a Sophie who's too angry to care about any level of violence to start fighting back against the fire the Neverseen have been aiming her way. I don't want a scared little girl, anymore. I've seen enough of her.

I want Sophie to become the moonlark the world needs.

I don't really know what I expected. Idk what I want from it. All I know is that I want a girl to start burning things. I want her to start destroying things.

I want Sophie to realize that this is a war.

That one too many things have changed. And that mercy is not an option anymore. Because at this point, the kind she's been offering is far, far, far too kind.

[bakugoukatsuki-rising]

Bakugou Katsuki - Rising

So I told someone a while ago I’d be writing an essay on Bakugou’s lines from 284, and I’m keeping true to my word. If you’re wondering which lines, well my friend, these lines;

So this, to me, is one of the most emotionally packed pages of these recent chapters. For one, it shows us that Bakugou has always been watching Deku, the same as Deku has been watching him. Since they were kids, probably from the age of 4, Bakugou was able to tell Deku never thought of himself first, it was always what he could do to help and protect other people with no regard to his own safety or well-being. 

“He’s always been like that.” 

How would Bakugou know Deku has always been this way if he wasn’t paying attention to him? It goes beyond his bullying in Middle School, because he’s watched Deku stand up for other’s his entire life. The very first scene of the manga is Deku protecting a child from Bakugou and his group of misfits, despite being quirkless, and essentially helpless. 

Despite being scared, and knowing he didn’t have the strength to take on those boys, he still stood his ground and did what he could to protect the other kid. Bakugou witnessed that first hand, since he was the aggressor. He was the one Deku was protecting someone from.

There was no way Bakugou wouldn’t remember something like that.

We know he remembered how Deku extended his hand to him when he fell in the stream, even though Bakugou was fine and didn’t need any help. Deku still waded through that water and even risked possibly getting himself hurt, to reach out to Bakugou and make sure he was alright. 

Now, I am going to point out that the stream incident definitely happened before the scene of Deku protecting that boy since it’s evident they’re older in that scene, but it was presented first (literally the first panel of the entire manga), so it takes precedent. 

Then we have the big one, which is the Sludge Villain incident, and Deku’s biggest show of self-sacrifice probably to date within the manga, since he was quirkless and would have certainly ended up dead if All Might hadn’t managed to power up. Even with the times he’s wrecked his body using OfA, he at least had some kind of fighting chance because of the power, but with the Sludge Villain, he had nothing. He was just throwing himself out there in hopes, by some miracle, he could do something to save his friend, even if it meant losing his life in the process. 

Another instance of Bakugou witnessing firsthand the self sacrificial nature of Deku. Throughout the manga we’re given these instances, and the next big one is Bakugou’s kidnapping. Now, he didn’t see Deku’s fight with Muscular, but he did see the aftermath, he saw that ruined body running at him full force with no care to the damage done to himself, and even before that, he saw Shoji carrying him while Deku continued to plan out their plan of rescue, like his entire body wasn’t a crumpled mess. 

Time and time again, Bakugou has been witness to Deku’s behavior, to this self sacrificial nature. The scene above is the first real time we see Bakugou acknowledge it. He tells Deku to stay back, he knows if he continues trying to fight looking like that, he’s going to die. I’ve seen other translations and I believe in the anime he says something to the context of “Don’t come, Deku.” Which, either way you look at it, it gives the same impression of Bakugou trying to protect Deku in that moment. Because he knew if there was an opportunity for Deku to reach, he would have fought until there was nothing left of him. 

“And now that he can do so much more...”

This line is important because it is Bakugou acknowledging Deku’s current strength with OfA, but it is also his confession of worry because he knows who Deku is, and what this means for him. If Deku was reckless and willing to sacrifice himself when he was a 4 year old child with no quirk, well now that he has the strongest power essentially in existence, that means certain death. There is nothing stopping him from completely destroying himself, and we saw a brief example of that when Deku fought Muscular, though not even close to the level he was going at Shigaraki, and what Bakugou was actually getting to witness during this chapter and 285/286. 

I use the above image because it kind of shows how bad off Deku was, which is far worse than when he fought Muscular, let me remind you. That scene is in chapter 285, after he’s essentially destroyed both of his arms hitting Shigaraki probably upwards of 10 times with 100% OfA. 

Remember, Bakugou has been watching all of this from the ground. 

“Something doesn’t feel right, it makes me wanna keep him at arms length.” 

Well ya know, I don’t really blame you for feeling that way, Bakugou, I wouldn’t feel right if the kid I knew my entire life was willing to die at literally every turn without thinking for a split second about himself, either. It’s a little strange, but that’s what makes Deku the unstoppable force that he is, because he has the drive to save people no matter what. Now if he could master his power and depend on other’s, it would be even better, because then maybe he wouldn’t have to kill himself trying to protect people.

But seriously, that line shows Bakugou's uncertainty about getting close to Deku, because that kind of behavior is scary. It's intimidating. To just...throw your life away for the sake of someone else, that's gotta be scary to see someone do, and Bakugou has witnessed it over and over because of his closeness to Deku.

Now for the big one.

"Back then, I ignored my own weakness...so I ended up bullying him."

There's the kicker, folks. The real development we've all been waiting for.

I do want to point out that when Bakugo was 4, he didn't realize he had weaknesses like that. He was honest to God just a bratty kid that probably thought Deku was weird for caring so much about people despite, essentially, being useless to them. Because what could Deku do? Nothing. He couldn't help anyone because he was quirkless, but he still tried, and that's what affected Bakugou so strongly.

So strongly, in fact, that he never forgot it for a single second.

From 4 years old all the way up to 16 years old. 12 years. 12 years Bakugou Katsuki was witnessing Deku's self sacrificial nature. Again and again he watched as this boy who had nothing, continued to fight for something, and then he was granted power, terrifying power, and now Bakugou is left to wonder how the fuck any of this could have happened. Because if Deku had just stayed quirkless and accepted it, maybe, just maybe, he would stop that self sacrifical bullshit. Maybe he would see himself a bit more.

But then he was given OfA, and all of that hope was gone. Now he was given a power meant to take on the greatest evils and every person before Deku had died for the cause, so why would it stop with Deku, who was already ready to get himself killed to protect someone else when he was like 14 years old?

The scenes we have of Bakugou acknowledging Deku's behavior, and acknowledging his own behavior, it's such a raw scene. It takes a lot to acknowledge you've done wrong by someone else. It takes a lot of strength to sit back and recognize those ugly parts of you, and here Bakugou is, doing just that. And he isn't doing it for some self righteous get me off, either. He's doing it because he genuinely cares about Deku's well being, and he always has.

It never came out the right way, and he sees that now, but that doesn't mean the concern wasn't there. He just didn't know the right ways to express it, but as things have gotten more serious and now Deku is truly risking his life for this cause, he's come face to face with it. He can't hide from it anymore. The more OfA develops, the more Deku is going to put himself out there, and Bakugou isn't going to sit around while he kills himself when he could just learn to ask for help.

This stretches all the way into 285 and Bakugou's sacrifice, because he saw Deku about to end up seriously hurt or worse, and he knew he couldn't let that happen. Of all the years spent endlessly tearing himself apart for other people, Bakugou knew he needed to show the other in some way he didn't have to do it like that. He didn't have to fight alone.

That, and it was part of his atonement. It was a piece of his apology to Deku, to show him that he valued him, and he was willing to put his life on the line for someone, for him.

Bakugou didn't think when he rushed out to save Deku. It was instinctual, like breathing. He saw someone he cared about in danger, and his body moved on it's own. That, from the angry brat we get in chapter 1, is a beautiful showcase of perfect character development and growth. If you take into account everything I've discussed throughout this, it should be easy to realize or at least see a bit of Bakugou's perspective, and his thought process when dealing with Deku.

It never justifies any of his past behavior, but it gives us clarification, and then allows us to appreciate his thoughts and actions in 284 and 285 even more.

[scandalsavagefanfic]

Hello! I am a huge fan of ur writing. I've loved everything I've read of yours. I've read alot of what you've posted, except for a couple of the tags that are squicky for me (so I'm very thankful you tag very thoroughly). No judgement for the squick, it's just not for me. & when I'm having a bad day, I usually just go thru ur ao3 and find something to reread. I think about Therapy's Bruce & Jason every damn day. While I obvs appreciate ur darker more "problematic" content (I really vibe with some of the themes you write about bc of my own trauma, & so it's very cathartic to read about in a fictional setting), I am truly a sucker for ur more happy content. The Happily Ever After verse also lives in my head rent free. Idk more wholesome stuff just seems more special when you write it. Anyways. I would die for you. But the point of this ask is cause I'm curious as to why you don't like Urban Legends? I'm sorry if you already talked about it here or on twitter and I missed it. I was just wondering because I really enjoy your take on things and would love to hear why you dislike it. I've been enjoying it so far personally, but I am always open to DC comics criticism.

Aw thank you so much! I'm so flattered by everything you just said. You're so sweet ❤❤❤❤❤

I haven't talked about Urban Legends here or twitter (I haven't been very active in either place lately. Just a lot going on and no energy 😔) but I'm happy to do it here.

Before I start though, I just want to add a standard disclaimer and make it clear that if you like it, there's nothing wrong with that and you don't have to let me ruin it for you lol. Like what you like.

That said, since you asked...

I said this when I was talking about it on discord, that there is a difference between hope and expectation. I always hope that a new story centered on Jason (or anyone really, but things have been especially egregious for Jay for 15 years) will be good or at least treat the character with a minimal level of respect (to be honest, the bar is super fucking low). But my expectations always temper my hope, to keep it from getting unrealistic. Because my expectations are based on experience.

The long history of Jason Todd, since even before his resurrection, has been one of retroactively trying to make him "a bad seed" in order to absolve Bruce of any responsibility in his death.

I don't even expect DC or their writers to start honoring the fact that Jason was not an angry, reckless Robin (and less of the later than Dick or Tim and definitely Damian). There plenty of ways that retcon can be folded into his history and be compelling and sympathetic. And if they're going to stick with that retcon, I'm only asking that they do it in one of those compelling and sympathetic ways because Jason was 15 when he died, heroically, in one of the most selfless acts in comics, to save a woman who literally handed him over to be brutally murdered. He was 12 when Bruce plucked him off the streets, he'd been homeless and fending for himself for at least two years. I personally think that Jason's story hits harder for him and Bruce if their original, canon relationship, of Jason as starry-eyed and eager to learn and absolutely devoted to Bruce and Bruce to Jason, is preserved. But Jason's origins does leave room for a meaningful interpretation of him as angry and frustrated at the lack of meaningful results of Bruce's methods.

And that's really where my irritation at stories like Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer and Batman The Adventure Continues has it's roots.

Every time one of these stories comes out, I think (or hope, rather) that this will be the one that remembers and respects the origins of the Jason and the Red Hood, that takes into account the changed sensibilities of comics readers in the 30 years since Jason's death and the subtle, 20 year, retroactive campaign to make him the "bad Robin". The "born bad" trope is played out and literally no one likes the message it implies. That some kids are just bad eggs and there's nothing parents or the adults around them can do. Especially when it's played as the kid's fault. If Jason's time as Robin is going to be characterized by anger, then it should be rooted in anger at the social injustices he witnessed as he grew up in an impoverished, crime-ridden, area and the horrors he faced raising himself when every day was a battle for survival. There are topical, meaningful, stories to tell with that backdrop.

But those are never the stories we get.

⚠⚠ Spoilers for Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer ⚠⚠

I'm particularly disappointed in Urban Legends because for the first issue, it looked like that was the kind of story we were going to get. I was put off by the first flashback of Jason being mesmerized by Bruce's guns, and I got that feeling in my gut that it was a bad sign. Jason depicted as impatient and overconfident and the scene with the guns is heavy-handed foreshadowing that got my spidey-sense tingling. I had a inkling then (in the first three pages) of how this story was going to play out, but it was early and I could still see many narrative paths that could lead to a satisfying story. My concerns were soothed somewhat and the little flame of my hope fanned, with the flashback of Alfred scolding Bruce, with Barbara's concern for Jason. A bit of worry returned with the way Jason ruthlessly pursued an addict who didn't appear to be a dealer and with the ending of the issue. The stuff with the addict sat wrong with me but the ending was tempered some by how despicable Tyler's dad was written. The scene was clearly set so that the reader could sympathize with Jason's decision and the scene with the addict could be brushed aside as a side-effect of comics over-the-top need for constant action, so I still held hope.

Issue 2 made me uncomfortable and it's where my hope starts to take a backseat to my expectations. I can dismiss Jason's self-deprecating internal monologue as unreliable narration, except that the flashback reinforces his thought process to explicitly show that it's not unreliable narration, and should be taken at face value. Jason faces physical abuse at the hands of his mother's drug dealer and when the flashback continues later, Jason kills the drug dealer. To be clear, this is a pre-Bruce Jason. His mom is still alive. He's like... 10. He kills this guy for shoving his head into a wall and implying Jason's mother paid for her drugs with sex. This is a scene that serves a single purpose. To show that Jason has always been prone to violence.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there is the small chance the drug dealer might not be dead. But the story obviously wants the reader to think he is, and it hasn't done anything to change that yet.

Starlin already did this story with The Diplomat’s Son in 1988 and he did it infinitely better. AND that’s still technically canon. So now I’m supposed to believe that Jason lost his cool bad enough to kill two douche bags before his sweet 16? Like it’s totally normal for abused kids raised in poverty, who’ve led hard and heartbreaking lives to just... haul off and kill people? That’s bullshit, and when taken with the Jason in the third issue, who is little more than an idiot thug, this story is really doubling down on some fucked up stereotypes.

Which brings us to the most recent issue. I went into this installment with very low expectations. I thought this story was going to be about Jason, through this experience with Tyler, a young boy with a similar background to Jason's, coming to the realization that Bruce's way is the best way and that Bruce did his best by Jason.

That would be annoying (in no small part because it takes increasingly absurd levels of plot armor to keep Bruce's no kill rule relevant, let alone irrefutably right). But I can probably live with that, if only because maybe if Jason officially falls back into line with the Bats crusade, maybe I'll get stories that treat him with respect, stories that don't relegate him to comic relief, dumb brute, or a background body with no lines in a story about the Joker burning Gotham (like Jason would just fucking stand there quietly for that).

And that may still be where the story is going, Jason realizing Bruce is right.

But holy shit do I not have the right words to describe how fucking insulting and gross issue three is.

From start to finish--including the flashback--Jason is written as cruel and fucking stupid. Like straight up dumb.

The entire issue is Bruce explaining the fucking basics to Jason like it's his first day. And Jason flies off the fucking handle and terrorizes a doctor he knows isn't a part of making the Cheerdrops, beats the shit out of some random addicts, and finally, when he can't accomplish anything on his own because he's a dumb brute he calls Barbara for help and rushes in with no information where he's promptly incapacitated and must now wait to be rescued by Batman.

This panel is the least of the issues sins but I can’t screenshot the entire story but it’s representative of the tone for the whole issue (and retroactively tainted the prior two issues).

This is beyond insulting. The only conclusions Jason comes to in this issue are the ones Bruce leads him to by talking to him like he can’t make the simplest connections. And like... in this story Jason can’t make the simplest connections.

This (and the Jason throughout the entirety of this issue) is a far cry from the Jason we fell in love with in Under the Red Hood, who was competent and strategic and intelligent enough to seize control of Gotham’s underworld from Black Mask (who’s no fucking slouch, he’s the first and only person to unify organized crime in Gotham) AND elude and manipulate Bruce until the time and place of his choosing.

This is a far cry from even the Red Hood and the Outlaws Jason who is competent enough to fight the League of Shadows and Ra’s al Ghul (among very dangerous and skilled others) and smart enough to create antidotes for mind control nanotech viruses.

As he should be, by the way. Jason Todd is one of the best, most comprehensively trained fighters in DC’s stable of non powered vigilantes. He’s not irrational or hot headed. He’s pragmatic, tactically minded, and patient. He’s a detective. Right now. Has been since he was 12. Bruce doesn’t have to make him one because he already is. 

Jason is not a stupid thug who uses his fists because his brain doesn’t work. And I can’t tell you how so very exhausted I am by this narrative. 

This is actually the most egregious example of Jason’s skills and intelligence being not just undermined but dismissed entirely. Even Morrison’s Jason had some degree of competency. 

The one, single redeeming factor of this story is the art. It’s beautiful. And Marcus To is a godsend he seems to be one of only a couple of artists who remember that Jason was a child when he was Robin and I’m literally only buying this book because of him. 

Anyway, I’m sorry. I didn’t want that to come out so... um... passionately lol. I’m just very very tired. My intention with this isn’t to ruin it for you, if you like it, that’s fine. 

But this issue shot this story to the top of my "Vehemently Despise” list. 1) Batman: Urban Legends (Cheer), 2) Battle for the Cowl/Morrison’s Batman and Robin, 3) Batman The Adventure Continues.

I hope the next issues somehow salvage this dumpster fire. But I’m not expecting it.

(Damnit. That sounded harsh again. To reiterate, I’m not trying to judge anyone who enjoys it, I just personally hate it and you asked me why lol 😅)

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

I’m On Fire [Chapter 1]

Summary: With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

A/N:  This is the first part in a series, I’ve written the first few chapters already so I’m hoping to update pretty regularly! I hope you guys enjoy, and any feedback is always appreciated! ❤️

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: None really for this chapter, cursing? Mean-ish Spencer

Word Count: 6.5k

Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist 

I wasn’t at the BAU long before it started to feel like home. The team became my family, pure and simple.

Having been recruited by Hotch at only 22 I'd sort of fallen into the roll of the little sister to the team without really meaning to. It's not that I was naive, or particularly sheltered even. I know I'm good at my job, and I'd want to be, given how my life's revolved around it almost entirely. But the team seemed to adopt a protective mindset over me right off the bat.

When I first joined the FBI everything was terrifying. I worked so hard for my PhD, trying to get into the unit, but there's almost nothing that can actually prepare you for the real thing. Being out in action in the field, working the cases out in real time. Sometimes they had a smooth, easy conclusion followed by loud obnoxious drinks together. Then there were the others, the ones that kept me up for days after and felt as though they owned little pieces of my heart still.

It was JJ that helped the most on those horrible flights back on the jet. Noticing my anxious ticks and uneasy disposition after that first case that had ended badly. JJ had been through it all before, taking too many cases home with her. Seeing her son's little faces in the kids that we couldn't help. If I was the baby of the team JJ was the big sister, looking out for everyone.

Morgan on the other hand was the outrageously cool older brother, the one you just wanted to be. Early on he'd helped my weak self with the ruthless fitness regimen the FBI required, he offered to pull some strings and get the test written off. But I couldn't accept that, there was something in me that just wanted to impress Morgan, and honestly still does. Like somehow if he thought you were cool, then it became true. So I passed the exam, but getting up a flight of stairs was near impossible for a week after.

Emily was probably the fun aunt. The one that would sneak you booze at the family gathering, or take you to your first concert. Emily was actually the one who'd found me, digging around colleges for potential recruits she'd had me picked out for a while I later found out. Insisting that Hotch give me a shot. It was reassuring to know I had someone who would stick up for me from day one.

I was an tech analyst, among other things, sort of a counterpart for Garcia in the field. So it was no surprise to anyone when the two of us hit it off as though we'd known each other forever. We weren't the same by any means though. Penelope was bold, and bright, and confident beyond measure, where I've typically felt like more of a blend into the background type. I've always thought of myself that way, despite my achievements. I'd also always believed I was fairly inoffensive, no one I'd met had ever had a huge problem with me, 'till I got to the BAU that is.

Every rose has its thorn I suppose.

That thorn in my side was Dr. Spencer Reid.

It wasn't that Dr. Reid was a bad agent, or even a bad person. I hadn't actually met him before that first day in the conference room, but I'd known who he was for a long time. Before I came along he'd held the mantle of 'youngest ever recruit' in the unit, while I was studying I'd read any of his work I could get my hands on because of that fact.

I figured it must've been some sort of hazing when he looked me up and down that first day I was introduced, and then proceeded to blank me entirely for a full week. Up until I'd wrapped my first case.

The whole team went straight from the jet to the bar. Proceeding to get far too drunk. Spencer joined, which the rest of the team found unusual, and I probably should've taken as a sign of things to come.

That case went well, and everyone was in high spirits but Reid had a sour disposition, at least it seemed that way every time he looked at me. After a few too many drinks I went outside in an attempt to sober up in the cold air, unfortunately Reid must've snuck outside not long before.

"Ugh" was all he said when he first caught my silhouette approaching him. The night was unusually cold so it had been deserted outside the bar that evening. I wasn't really sure why it made me nervous to be alone with him like this, the two of us leaning back against the same small area of brick wall, looking out at the cold night.

"Nice to see you too doctor" was all I could muster, I was drunk enough that I let my sarcastic tone leap out, "you can relax, I'm just trying to get some fresh air, it's too stuffy in there, and loud. I'm not here to talk to you or anything."

"Well aren't you a sensitive thing" he responds in kind, at that point I wasn't really sure if it was a coincidence or if he'd been genuinely avoiding me, but things were starting to clear up.

"I'm sensitive, that's a fun take on things" I joke, taking a long sip of cold water from my glass.

"And what's that supposed to mean, newbie?" his emphasis on the last word all but confirms my suspicions.

"Fuck man, what's your problem with me? Is it because I'm new, or because I beat your stupid record?" I quip. hoping that at the very least it might coax him out of his shell. Dr. Spencer Reid getting angry at me could honestly be better than the nothing I'd been experiencing from him until now.

"What stupid record?" he sounds genuinely confused

"I'm the youngest BAU recruit now?" I didn't know why else he could be so sour. He'd never met me before last week, and since he'd ignored me that first day I'd done all I could not to step on his toes. So if he had a reason to hate me this much, it wasn't something I'd done on purpose.

He takes a few moments to respond, raising his eyebrows and considering the information. He chuckles. He fucking chuckles.

"That's funny." he says, his voice leveling out, "I didn't peg you as funny newbie" that word sets something off in me again. Something about it is dismissive, or belittling. Before I could fight back he starts to move, maneuvering around me and heading back inside. A little too tipsy to think of anything constructive to say, I just mutter "Fuck you Spencer."

He swings open the door, as he walks inside he just says "See you Monday, Newbie" without even looking at me.

And that was only the beginning.

----

"You know I'm just trying to make sure you get enough rest sweetheart. There's no need to get so defensive!" it was far too early in the morning to be dealing with this call. Since joining the BAU a few years ago this was a standard call from my Mom. Equal parts well meaning and over-bearing, and generally asking far too many questions.

"I'm not getting defensive Mom, I get plenty of rest, my job is just very important to me and you know that." I knew she was right to be at least a little worried, this job was consuming, and in all honesty I wasn't sure how people like JJ were married and still here. It seemed like an impossible feat.

"Fine sweetie, how are your co-workers doing then? How's Penelope? Give her my love" she loved Penelope, I think she thought that Penelope tethered me to the normal world, and in a way she was right. She kept me sane, and fun, and made me eat pizza and do face masks once a week at least. Even when I didn't think I wanted to.

"Pen's great Mom, everyone's good. Well, the usual ones get on my nerves, but I'm fine." As I say it I glance across at Dr. Reid, the only person who's also in as early as I am most days. I'm not sure if he can hear me but he's tapping his pen so loud on his desk that it takes all of my energy not to walk across the bullpen and stab him with it.

"Y'know what Mom, I'm actually just after getting to work and it's a busy day so can I call you back later?" I chance, getting her off the phone is always an ordeal.

"Fine, fine, I'll let you go. But wait one last thing!"

I knew what was coming. It was always coming.

"Are you seeing anyone, Margot's been wondering too, just thought I'd check in?"

Pinching the bridge of my nose and trying not to scream down the line, I just sigh out the frustration instead.

"No Mom, believe it or not, I've made no progress on that front since you asked me all of 3 days ago."

"See you are being defensive!" she snaps

"I gotta go, bye Mom. Love you!" I say, hanging up quickly before dropping my head down into my arms on my desk, resting like that for a few moments in silence.

Hearing Garica chuckle behind my ear I perk up and spin around. She's holding a small paper cup of coffee and hands it to me. I look at it confused, "Sorry about the paper, I couldn't find your mug in the cabinet" she apologizes, looking over at Dr. Reid and rolling her eyes. Now I know he can hear me from his seat, he takes that moment to sip from my mug and place it gently back on his desk.

It hadn't taken long for him to start toying with me. It was always stupid childish things. Things I couldn't get genuinely annoyed at, that would give him far too much satisfaction, knowing he was getting to me in any real way. This was one trick he liked to play if he got into the office before me, he'd take my mug and make his coffee in it, just to spite me I guess.

"Why does he even do that, it's so stale" she said, just a little louder than normal to make sure he could hear. Garcia and Reid were still good friends and team-mates but she liked to stand up for me when she could. He liked to avoid me as much as possible so he'd usually go to Garcia before me if he needed help with something. Even when the two of us were out in the field together. Which was obnoxious but it was just another thing I'd gotten used to over time. And as long as it didn’t interfere with the case I just forced myself to let it go.

"I know it's such low grade bullying isn't it?" I shot back with a chuckle.

"So I'll take it that was Mommy dearest" Penelope gestures to my phone. She knew my Mom, and she knew about her general overbearing energy. I let out a groan thinking about the call again, and the calls that were to come.

"Isn't it always Mommy dearest?" I joke

"So she's still on your ass about the wedding then?" I'm sure Penelope was almost as sick of hearing about it as I was,

"Margot's getting married in like 4 months now, and every time Mom calls there’s just some new hometown loser she wants to set me up with Pen. It's fucking exhausting" I take a sip of the coffee she made me, savoring the bitter taste. She sits down on my desk for a moment, leaning in.

"Honey, did you ever think that if you got out there and found someone, she wouldn't be on your ass at all?" I don't want to think about that, about how she's completely right. All I can do is let out another small groan and lean back down onto my desk.

"Too early Pen" I say, it's muffled by the desk but she gets the message. Hopping up and heading to her own office as some more people start to arrive for the morning.

Leaving me alone to make a start on my paperwork that had built up throughout the week. Fridays were usually slow like this, giving me a little too much time to think. I couldn't shake the thought that my Mom and Penelope were actually right. Maybe I was a bit too invested in the job, and maybe that was a pretty big factor in why my last relationship imploded but I wasn't about to admit that to anyone.

----

After that the day crawls by, thankfully no cases pop up so the weekend might actually be free. Trying to make sure I clear up all of my paperwork takes a little longer than I'd hoped and leaves me alone in the bullpen. It seems like everyone's gone home by the time I've packed up and I'm ready to leave. Which wasn't as out of the ordinary as I'd like it to be really. Everyone else seemed to have somewhere to be on a Friday night.

Waiting for the elevator to arrive my phone started to ring, I could see my Mom's caller ID on the screen. If I just let it go I know she'll call back later, may as well get it out of the way. I take a deep breath in anticipation before I answer.

"Hey what's up?" I answer, stepping inside the elevator as the doors ping open.

"Hi sweetie, I've got good news! Do you remember David? That lovely boy, he helped out your Father that summer in high school?" I know what's coming and rub my temple, trying to stifle the headache I know is coming. As I answer a hand slides between the elevator doors, popping them open again.

Dr. Fucking Reid walks in, and he looks about as happy to see me as I am to see him. I make eye contact and look away just as fast, willing him away with my mind. "Yes Mom, I remember him, why are you telling me this?" I already know the answer but I'm fed up, she still sounds excited when she responds.

"Well you won't believe it! I ran into him at the market this morning and I thought you'd like it if I passed on your phone number to him, maybe for the weddi-" it took all I had not to shout into the receiver, and maybe I would've had the elevator been empty.

"Mom! Jesus!" I have to reign myself in, but I have a bad idea, "You know what, I'm actually sorted. I've got a date lined up now" I'm not sure why I said it with no real plan in place. She sounds even more excited than I've ever heard her.

"Oh my, that's amazing sweetie! That was fast, I can't believe you found one since this morning, it's someone from work so?" she assumes, and I'm just not thinking fast enough to correct her.

"Mmhmm, yeah" I'll figure out the logistics later I rationalize.

"Oh! Is it that boy you're always on about, the one who teases you?" she asks, and her voice is full of joy, and it makes me feel horrible that I'm lying already, and that I'm going to let her down.

"Yup, that's the one, look Mom I gotta go, I'll talk to you later! Night" I blurt out so fast it has to be obvious I'm nervous.

I can hear a stifled chuckle behind me. Fuck. How loud is my phone speaker. Could he hear that. Surely not. But this elevator was completely silent. The doors open and I have to stop myself from running to my car at top speed. Instead I walk out just a little faster than normal, turning around to shoot him a small wave goodbye. And he's got this devious smirk on his face that makes my stomach turn.

Sitting into my car I pull out my phone to text Garcia immediately.

I'm on my way to yours right now. It's urgent.

——

Traffic's light so it takes maybe 10 minutes before I arrive at Garcia's place. My mind's racing and my body takes me there on autopilot. Why did I say any of that, why did I even answer the damn phone. Why did I wave goodbye to Spencer, I never usually did that. Maybe that's why he had that look on his face. Maybe he was just thinking of something funny that happened earlier and it had nothing to do with me at all. That was something he'd do to mess with me for sure.

How was I going to walk this back with my Mom, she was just gonna have more questions that I couldn't answer. Fuck.

Garcia buzzed me up and her door was open for me by the time I got up the stairs. This little purple apartment had become my second home. It was where I spent most of my evenings off, laughing on the same sofa I was collapsing face first into right now. Garcia nestles in beside me and runs her hand over my hair, "Hey sweet pea, what's happening? I don't want to sound too concerned but you're not giving me much to go off? Are you dying, is there drama? You're going to have to tell me what's so urgent before I burst a blood vessel?"

I let out a muffled, "is drahmuh" into the pillow, Garcia shakes my shoulders.

"Sit up babe, damn!" I have to heave myself out of the pillows, sitting upright on the sofa beside her, clutching one of the pillows in my arms.

"It's drama" I repeat,

"Well, out with it then, you know I'll take all the drama I can get! Spill, spill" she rushes me along. I'm already apprehensive, Reid's her coworker too, but if anyone would understand why this was such an issue it was gonna be her.

"Okay, I'm after doing something stupid and I think I really need your advice" I cringe already, thinking back to the elevator, throwing out my words faster, I continue the story, mostly trying to get it over with, "my Mom called again when I was on the way out tonight and she was trying to set me up with this guy, and Reid was there, and I got all flustered, and I told her I had a date already" I throw my head down into the pillow again.

"Wait why was Reid there?" she looks like she's trying to fit puzzle pieces together and she's getting nowhere, "And what's the drama?"

"Shit Garcia, it was in the elevator and it was all quiet, and maybe he heard the call, maybe he didn't but he had this fuckin' look on his stupid face" I can't shake the smug little smirk, it's burned inside my eyelids. Garcia's face falls in what looks like disappointment.

"Ugh Y/N! That's nothing chill out, why does it matter if he heard your call? I know you guys are all weird but none of that is any of his business anyway!" she shoo's her hand in the air, dismissing the whole situation.

"No Garcia, it is his business now" I have to close my eyes when I say it, I can't look at her "I told my Mom that he was my date, well, I didn't say his name or anything, she assumed it was someone from work and so I just agreed, and then she suggested that it was him and then I fucking panicked Pen, I fucked up so bad. What do I do?"

I finally opened my eyes to look up at Garcia. She was sitting in pure silence, pursing her lips in what seemed like contemplation. The puzzle pieces finally slotting together. It's as though a light bulb goes off behind her eyes and she bursts out in fits of laughter. Doubling over on herself before finally taking a few breaths to calm herself down. I'm honestly not sure why she finds the whole thing so funny, she know's how needlessly annoying he's made my life, she's seen it first hand and heard me talk about it over and over again in this very apartment over pizza.

"Garcia, this is not fucking funny! This is serious!" I try to calm her down, I need advice not whatever this is.

"I'm so sorry Y/N, I love you dearly. But this isn't funny, this is hilarious. It's like you're Sandra Bullock in some mid-90's rom com. I love it" I don't love it, in fact I hate it. I nearly snap at her but pull myself back.

"Pen, come on, help me out. What do I do with this, how do I fix it?" I plead.

She stops laughing and pulls out her phone, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'm going to order us a pizza, and we're gonna sort this thing out together, sound good?" I just nod and collapse back into the sofa. I think I feel better now that I've gotten it out in the open.

----

Penelope makes us tea while we wait for the pizza, she keeps lemon & ginger in her cabinet for me, just like I keep mint for her. The warm mug and the steam calm me down. After a few minutes alone to think about it I start to figure it out a little better. I figure I can just lie to my Mom for a while, it might suck but I can pretend for a bit and then make up some excuse as to why he can't come closer to the time. Then I can just bring Garcia instead and everyone's happy. I'm about to float my plan to her there's a knock on her door. I was so caught up that I hadn't really noticed quite how starving I'd gotten. Leaping up of the sofa to grab the door.

I swing it open but it's not the pizza guy. Somehow it's the opposite of the pizza guy, my worst nightmare is on the other side of the door. He must notice my eyes blow completely wide. "Y/N!" he says, more of a statement than a question really, like he's telling himself that he's actually seeing me in the doorway. I'm not as gentle.

"What the fuck are you doing here Reid?!" I can't even disguise my anger. He seems a little flustered, like he's got absolutely no idea how to proceed.

"Um, uh, is Garcia here? I can, um, I can just come back later?" he swallows hard and shakes his head, before I can agree and tell him to get lost Penelope races to the door, pulling it wide open.

"Nope, that won't be necessary Doctor! Come on in, you're right on time sweetheart" she waves him in and he walks past me, his demeanor changing almost instantly. He's smug, like he's won whatever battle this was. And I hate it. Though he's still as confused as me despite the newfound attitude. Reid sits down on the sofa, right where I had been sitting. I bite my tongue and sit on the opposite end.

"Are you okay Garcia?" he asks with a genuine concern, "What's going on, what was the emergency?". He's not stupid, he knows she's not in danger now that he's here. But he wants answers. I don't know that I've ever seen him this confrontational with anyone, well anyone but me. The entire time I’m staring her down as she sits in the armchair opposite the two of us. My keys are in my pocket and my car's right outside. I could just jump up and make a break for it. Escape.

"You know what Doc, you won't believe it but I'm not actually the one with the emergency" she takes a beat, and I'm starting to think that I might understand why people murder other people after all these years, "Y/N has something urgent she needs to talk to you about" she's silent for another moment, and she almost looks giddy, "Actually Spencer, you might already know a little something about the matter already, now that I think about it" she smirks, and it's pure joy.

My keys are in my hand ready to bolt when the doorbell chimes again. "Oh, that'll actually be the pizza this time, if you two will excuse me" she hops up out of the armchair and races to the door, leaving the two of us alone in a horrible silence. The tension is almost too much, I want to speak but I really have no idea what to say, or how to even start saying it. But he starts.

"Y/N what's going on, I feel like I'm out of the loop here? What am I missing?" he asks, and there's something uncharacteristically genuine about the way he says it, but he can't turn to look at me as he speaks. I almost want to let my guard down and just have a conversation but I can’t force myself to do it. "Shut up Reid." is all I mutter, folding my arms across my chest.

He turns sharply on the sofa to face me. "Hey Y/N. Believe it or not I'm about as happy as you with whatever kind of Parent Trap situation Garcia's got going on here. But from what I'm picking up on you've got a problem and I'm supposed to be able to help with it. So do you want to tell me what's going on or not? I can just go?" I can see that there's an anger bubbling right below the surface, threatening to burst. I know I shouldn't but I let him stew in silence for a little too long and he jumps up off the sofa.

"Y'know what, typical" he mutters, rolling his eyes as he says it, "this is all about you." he throws his bag over his shoulders and begins to walk towards the door. Something in me just snaps.

"All about me?! Are you fucking kidding? I've been tip-toeing around you for years, ever since I joined this damn unit!" I shout as Garcia comes back into the room, pizza box and plates in her hands.

"So, who's hungry?" Garcia asks, trying to break the tension, or pretending there's no tension at all. Reid shakes his head in disbelief and rubs his temple before he speaks again, "Actually I was just gonna head out" he gestures to the door, "I'm clearly not wanted here so I'm gonna leave you guys to it." Spencer makes a move to leave but Garcia grabs the strap of his shoulder bag, yanking him back ever so slightly before he really has the chance to escape.

"You are going absolutely nowhere kid" She points back to the sofa, "get back there" she glances to me, staring with far too much intensity. "You too, sit." Her voice is more stern than I've ever heard it, even while we were on a case. I can't help but obey her command and I sit back down on the sofa in silence. Followed by Reid, clearly processing the same uneasy feeling of a serious Penelope.

She sits opposite the two of us again. "Y/N, Spencer, I love the two of you with all of my heart, albeit separately, and I would die for either one of you. But you've got to chill the hell out!" she says it like she's had it bottled up forever. The tension that releases from her as she says it looks euphoric.

She opens up the pizza box and lays it on the coffee table and takes out a slice for herself. Taking a bite she leaves the two of us in stunned silence. Once she finishes the mouthful she turns to me specifically, "Y/N you tell him, or I will." dead serious. And the feeling in my belly is like I've just fallen down an elevator shaft.

My stomach is in knots as I turn to Spencer on the sofa next to me. His face is puzzled and I think I might be able to make out pure terror in his expression. I don't know that I've ever been looked at like this before and my stomach screws up tighter. I have to take a deep breath and I can't believe I'm about to say it. "Fuck it" I have to take another breath almost immediately so I just have to force the rest out, "I don't know if you heard the call I was on while we were in the elevator earlier?" I look up to gauge his reaction and I can see his face relax, and worse than that, one corner of his mouth lifts into a sort of smile. It's a look of pure smug satisfaction and I think I might scream. I have to close my eyes because I really don't think I can look at that face as I say the next part.

"My sister is getting married in a few months and my Mom's been on my ass to find a date for the wedding and she keeps trying to set me up with these losers, so I fucking panicked, and I told her you were my date." by the time the sentence is out my eyes have screwed up so tight it feels like I have to pry them open.

He sits in silence for too long. Thinking, maybe?

"So I'm the boy who teases you then?" he grins. So he did hear. And he did laugh. He looks far too self satisfied. Now he knows he's right. He knows I've talked to my Mom about him, that he's gotten in my head. I can tell from his smile that he's savoring the moment. Mostly because I can't slap the smug smile off his face I drop my head into my hands. In an effort to disappear I guess.

"So," he says, taking a moment, "is that all you wanted to say then?" he asks, lighthearted and obnoxious, back to his usual self. I snap back to reality, shooting my head back up.

"What do you mean is that all?" I throw back genuinely shocked,

"Is that all you had to say Y/N? Can I go now? It's a long bus ride home y'know" he smirks but makes no effort to move. He can't possibly be making me do this.

"Well no, obviously!" I stutter, "I mean, are you, will you, uh?" I can't bring myself to say it out loud. He leans in on the sofa looking directly at me, refusing to break eye contact.

"Did you have something you wanted to ask me Y/N?" I just want to smack that fucking look off his face,

"Fuck you Spencer Reid" I almost whisper under my breath, but Garcia snaps me back to reality.

"Hey!" she looks at me, stern again, "Ask him." it's not a question, or a suggestion, it's a command.

"Fine okay" I scrunch my eyes up again, "Will you come to my sisters wedding with me as my fake boyfriend?" I curl up into myself as I say it, I can almost feel the bile rising up from my stomach. Like I'm having a biological reaction to the whole thing.

Reid crosses his arms and sinks back on the sofa, like he's performing the act of thinking. He's considering my offer to make me squirm.

When he finally speaks he says "Well I would Y/N, but I really fail to see what's in it for me" he's after getting cocky now.

Garcia pipes up, excited, "Oh, Oh! I know! I have an idea!" she interjects, "Spencer remember how a while ago, back after your apartment flooded you were all all worried about your antique books and prints and stuff?" he nods, "Well Y/N could digitize the collection for you as a back up? I know you're a technophobe? C'mon Y/N, you know you could do that no sweat, and it would take you a lifetime alone Spencer?" I really don't want to admit it but she's right. Even I knew Reid was adverse to any technology that wasn't vital, but it was your specialty. And maybe that was a good trade off, a job like that would be near impossible for him to pull off without help. I take a glance over at Reid and he seems to have had the same train of thought as me. He lets out an exaggerated sigh and relaxes his posture.

"Fine, I guess that's a fair trade. I'm in." he resigns and I almost can't believe it. I'm barely processing the whole conversation as he sticks his hand out to me, I'm confused for a second before I grab it and shake it firmly. Condemning myself to whatever's about to happen. And it's not the time to be thinking about it but maybe this is the first time Spencer and I have ever touched? But I shove that thought away.

Garcia's positively beaming and she's not even trying to hide it. "Now it's like you're both in a Sandra Bullock movie, oh, but you're Hugh Grant maybe?" she points to Reid.

"Don't push it" I shoot in her direction, taking a slice of pizza, now that my anxiety stomach has sort of passed.

Once the pizza's been eaten in near completely awkward silence Spencer stands up off the sofa. His unsure demeanor has returned and he looks nervous. "I actually should get going this time" he says but Garcia pipes up to protest,

"No, it's not even late!"

"It takes me a while to get back home, thank you though Pen. For... this?" he gestures to the whole living room, "Night" he waves. He's almost made it to the door before I stand up out of my seat. I'm not really sure what comes over me, maybe it's gratitude, maybe it's guilt, or maybe I'm just exhausted.

"Wait Spencer. Let me give you a ride home?" I ask and it's like it's not even me saying it .

"Thanks, but I think I can make it home just fine" he dismisses, and there’s an antagonizing tone in his voice that snaps me right back to our usual rapport.

"I'm trying to do a nice thing here, fuck! Just let me do something nice!" I snap, and he throws his arms up in surrender.

"Fine alright, if it'll make you feel better"

"Fuck you Reid" I mutter under my breath and I sort of hope that he does hear me really. If he's gonna be hostile about this I can be too. I give Garcia a hug goodbye but I'm going to scold her for this whole thing later.

----

I lead the way outside and climb into my car, Spencer hops into the passenger seat and it feels as strange as always to be alone with him. Especially because it's not an accident, and it's not in work. Maybe this was a horrible idea. He seems like he's unwilling to break the silence, so I just get it over with.

"Where the hell do you live man? I'm gonna need directions." I say, as deadpan as I can muster, which probably isn't all that intimidating.

"Sorry, yeah, so you're gonna want to turn on the ignition" he teases. I definitely wasn't intimidating enough.

"Don't push it" I say, turning to give him a cruel stare, he just reacts with a smirk, that same one from the elevator earlier.

"Oh, I'm pushing it?" he asks, feigning disbelief

"I'll kick you out of this damn car" is all I can think to say. He barely responds, he just lets out a soft chuckle. I want to ask 'what's so funny' but he speaks before I can get the words out.

"I can't believe you talk to your Mom about me" he continues to laugh. That's enough.

"You know what Reid, of course I have! I work with actual murderers on a daily basis and somehow you've been the only real source of friction in my life since I joined the BAU!" He stops giggling a little, but not entirely, he looks like he's making an effort to contain himself.

"I'm sorry. I guess I just never knew I got to you like that" he still finds the whole thing amusing, but I sure as hell don't.

"Directions, now" I demand, looking straight out the front windshield.

"Fine, keep going straight on this road for a while and I'll tell you when to turn" he says, finally playing nice.

The two of us drive silently for most of the journey, the radio playing softly in the background. Eventually we arrive outside his building, and it's nicer than I thought it would be. But I have no idea what I was really basing that on. For some reason it hadn't occurred to me that Dr. Reid lived in an actual home, I had pictured him sleeping upside down in a cave maybe, or in a cryogenic chamber with all the other life-like genius robots.

"So," he says, breaking the silence, "When is this wedding?"

"4 months from now, in and around" I respond, matter of factly. Spencer nods, taking it in.

"Alright, so I've got 4 months, in and around, to learn enough to convincingly pass as your loving boyfriend. Doesn't sound so difficult." he jokes, his tone harsh and sarcastic.

"Look Spencer, I know this is insane and honestly kind of stupid. But in all seriousness, you can back out right now if you're not on board with whatever this is. I'm telling you this is the last exit ramp." I try to say it with sincerity, giving him a genuine out if he's not comfortable with the weird set-up that Penelope pulled on us both. He thinks on it for a moment and shakes his head.

"So how are we gonna do this?" he asks, and I really thought he was going to back out. So I don't have an actual answer.

"Well, I uh, I haven't really given a plan much thought. How about I come over and start working on some of the stuff you want digitized like Garcia mentioned and I can use the time to give you the footnotes on my life?" I suggest, at least that would make it easier to knock things out all at once. Rather than having to spend even more of my free time with Reid than necessary. He looks content with the improvised plan.

"Alright, sounds good." he undoes his seatbelt and opens the door to hop out of the car before turning back to me, "Are you coming inside or what?"

— —

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