#And it’s ruining my ability to function properly

[chaosduckies]

Me: *tries to go to sleep at a DECENT time*

My friends: We’re gonna stream Minecraft for an hour or two :D

Me: Alright!

*Four hours later* (It’s nearly 3 in the morning-)

Me: I hate you guys so much-

———

My sleep schedule is RUINED I SWEAR. The worst part is that we’re still on call even after such a long stream- (I don’t stream my friend does) But we have fun, DESPITE NEGLECTING OUR BODIES PLEADS TO GO TO SLEEP.

Oh what’d I’d give to just sleep comfortably in a giant’s hand-

(If you want to check out my friends stream dm me please! They really want some new people to check them out!)

[thethingything]

deleted a bunch of the posts from yesterday because the paranoia finally caught up with me 🙃 but anyway we can't taste properly, we're constantly shaky and wheezy and dizzy, and the cough we've got has gotten significantly worse, and I called our GP to ask about paxlovid or similar treatment and got dismissed before I could even speak to a doctor and I really, really just want to go scream at someone but that would be a shitty thing to do.

I fucking hate that people keep going out while ill and not taking even basic precautions to avoid infecting others. I hate that we're basically at the mercy of everyone else because no matter how hard we try people still infect us and doctors just end up dismissing us. this is... what, like the 6th time we've had covid and we don't even fucking go outside.

I just want a break. I just want to be able to get on with life and get my shit together without being constantly screwed over by other people's reckless decisions and a frankly ridiculous amount of bad luck

[ovaruling]

i’ve discussed this before, but as i lift heavier and heavier, i feel an urgency to bring it up again. wearing high heels for most of my late teens and early- to mid-twenties really has fucked up my ability to properly squat.

as i’ve mentioned in previous posts, all my center of gravity has, as a result of a life of wearing pumps, shifted forward onto the balls of my feet. i cannot naturally or comfortably squat parallel or deep with my heels on the ground (without heel lifts of some kind). my biggest struggle in lifting, including my Olympic lifts, is not falling backwards on my ass bc i physically CANNOT force weight back into my heels. and so in squats, sometimes in deadlifts, i often end up involuntarily bent forward at a 45-degree angle to compensate for this weight distribution, which of course sends me backward like a hammer, ass-first.

high heels are just… brutally dangerous. they have ruined my ability to do what i love in lifting. i am constantly working on mobility drills, but it’s been a very, very long time now and i have seen no change. i may just be facing the long-term or even permanent damage done by wearing high heels for so long.

femininity is outright ruinous. i wish i could go back and shake myself for being stupid enough to wear a literal “Disable Yourself” device on my feet—for no other reason than because i thought it was simply what well-dressed, mature women wore.

i hope so much i can get my mobility back one day, but as i age, with the other disabling limitations to my joints, i’m more than aware of the likelihood that that will not happen.

femininity ruins your body. it ruins your functionality. it binds and bends and breaks and warps your natural movement. it’s a portable medieval torture device, plain and simple.

[slightlyartist]

Ik you’re still in the process of making lore but I have have Steve - Fidds questions!

1. What is Pyramid Steve getting out of making these deals? Is he helping Bill with his Weirdmageddon stuff? Is he stealing things from his Victims other than what’s given (like slowly taking all their money and savings/their life force/whatever he uses for currency) to pay his alimony? Or is he just doing this because he likes doing HUMAN THINGS as a HUMAN MAN and it’s FUN and a BUSINESS and TOTALLY DIFFERENT from sitting around on his laptop playing the sims all day so he doesn’t need to deal with his OWN issues (like his divorce)?

2. Is he helpful with little things *at first* to make sure his ‘customers’ trust him to deal with more and more stuff? Like at first he comes to Fidds when it’s been a month since he last did laundry because he was too scared to go down to the laundry room and Steve tells him he has a Magic Product to Help with Anxiety! Then Fidds feels all floaty and calm and out of it. Next thing Fidds knows, his laundry is clean, folded and, put away, AND he even washed and redid his bedsheets! And he took a shower and is wearing fresh clothes! Wow! He just barely remembers any of it, like trying to remember a dream, but who cares! The Product is Working! Yay! And it’s a very easy slope from that to Fidds thinking “I’ve been ghosting Emma-May (who’s upset with me) for a week now and my hands shake thinking about it, I need to use Product and call her to work things out! OH NO Apparently I sounded like a weird British man trying to do a southern accent the whole conversation and now she thinks I’m taking drugs! And is MORE upset with me! I need to call her and fix things! Which I can only do with the help of Product! My life is crumbling around me.”

3. Please work the plastic bag of DvDs Steve carries around and pet centipede into this au. This isn’t a question this is a request. And the fact he eats copper wires! Does he make the humans he controls also eat Copper Wires? Does he make the humans buy or steal copper wires for him so he can eat them?

4. Uh. What do you imagine being hypnotized feels like to Fidds (the first few times before he starts going brain dead)? I’m guessing it’s not just blacking out if victims get addicted to the *feeling* of being hypnotized as well as getting addicted to the ability to step out of their life for a bit.

5. Does Fidds already being pretty into the ‘beginnings of permanent brain damage’ stage of memory gun use have any affect on Steve’s ability to hypnotize/control Fidds? Since he’s basically controlling Fidds from his laptop, the main hardware he’s running his program on being janked up could have some effect on how well Stiddlepord ‘runs’.

6. What do the ‘side effects’ of Product start to look/feel like in the victims? Like we know what the memory gun’s side effects look like in action because of that supercut of Fidds decent. And can partial brain function eventually be recovered like with the memory gun? Or is Pyramid Steve eventually just puppeting a corpse until it starts to decompose?

7. Uhhhhh. Can I write fanfiction. Of this au.

Anyway this ask is way too long, I know, but if I write fanfiction on this I want it to be lore accurate and not just my own thing, and it’s such a cool au!!! I crave more!! More of the unstable divorced man ‘possessing’ the other unstable divorced man!! Amazing!!

HELLO HELLO! Thank you for being so interested in this silly AU!! Okay I'm going to sit down and properly think about all of this!

Fun fact! If Ford refers Bill as My Muse, Fidds refers Steve as My Elixir ;)

What is Pyramid Steve getting out of making these deals?

As opposed to Bill and his love for physical pain, Steve craves mental and emotional misery. Like a parasite feeding off the psychological pain they are experiencing, that's why his aim is to ruin their lives even more, kicking his customers when they are already down.

Bill and Steve are not allies. In fact Bill HATES Steve's guts. They are aware of each other, Fidds is not aware that Ford has Bill, Ford is not aware that Fidds has Steve, but they both know something is off about the other.

Hypnotized Fiddlesteve would change the maths of the Portal blueprints that Possessed Billford spent hours making the day before, hilarity ensues ❤️

2. Is he helpful at first?

You put it perfectly into words! If the Memory Gun was a metaphor for Alcohol, Steve is straight up a metaphor for Drugs. Sure, it can work at first, makes you feel productive, fills you with energy, eases your worries and is a distraction. But how long does that take before things start getting out of hand? First week, Steve helps you with EVERYTHING. He finishes all of Fidds' tasks in less than a day, Ford praises Fidds' efficiency, Fidds is literally on cloud nine! He needs to call that weird guy again. He needs to keep this going. But then as time goes on, things get a bit weird, the maths aren't adding up, things are tense between Ford and him and he doesn't know why, uh oh, he needs help! He needs His Elixir. He will make everything right. (Spoiler: things start to go downhill from there)

3. Does he make the humans he controls also eat Copper Wires?

A picture is worth a thousand words ;)

4. What do you imagine being hypnotized feels like to Fidds (the first few times before he starts going brain dead)?

I think he does black out sometimes when Steve takes over without any warning, but when Fidds willingly reaches out to Steve I'm guessing it feels like when Mable ate that expired candy. Just pure vibes!

5. Does Fidds already being pretty into the ‘beginnings of permanent brain damage’ stage of memory gun use have any affect on Steve’s ability to hypnotize/control Fidds?

It just made everything easier! You see, Steve's perfect customers are those who are "weak-minded". Hypnosis wouldn't work on those who are strong-willed. It would just wear off after some brief time, or they would just turn down Steve's offerings. That's why Fidds is so easy to manipulate. In fact, Steve's hypnosis will end up causing even more brain damage to the victim in the long run. Fidds' brain will begin to atrophy and his nervous system will start to collapse.

6. What do the ‘side effects’ of Product start to look/feel like in the victims?

While not under hypnosis, the victim can experience: Brain Atrophy, photosensitivity, seizures, increased paranoia, hallucinations, weight loss, isolation (Steve would push away everyone), drowsiness, random twitches, memory issues, inability to perform everyday tasks and decisions... I'm currently designing Old Man Fiddlesteve and it's making me so unbelievably sad by just staring at him...

Can partial brain function eventually be recovered like with the memory gun? Or is Pyramid Steve eventually just puppeting a corpse until it starts to decompose?

Both! There are two ways to stop Hypnosis: the victim's mind becomes somehow "strong" enough to get rid of hypnosis, or Steve could just let that victim free because it reached a point in life in which everything is already so messed up that it hit rock bottom, becoming brain-dead and not useful.

If you get rid of hypnosis in the early stage, it's easier to regain control of your life. If, like Fidds, you've been under hypnosis for decades, it would take A REALLY INTENSE treatment to regain AT MOST 45% of the original brain potential. Since it was a coping mechanism stronger and more aggressive than the Memory Gun, your brain will suffer so many side effects and the atrophy can only heal until a certain point. Fidds can't catch a break in any AU I fear...

7. Can I write fanfiction. Of this au.

YESS i'd love to read it!! My "lore-accurate" tip is to just follow the canon, but with Fidds hiding Steve from Ford the same way he hid the memory gun from him. (The memory gun is still part of this AU tee-hee). Just four divas having intense beef with each other. Fiddlesteve was the perfect excuse to come up with more Fiddauthor toxic angst :>

As you can see I will try to share some of his lore by using Computer entries (and Journal entries to show Ford's POV) but you can just take creative liberties since everything is a huge WIP, or you can DM me your thoughts! <3

[scara-hater]

Hi this is my first time requesting. Can I request cyno,Thoma,Tighnari, and Itto reacting to finding out you have not been sleeping properly and eating at all only every tiny portions. And the reader didn’t want them to find out.

Sorry if it’s a little complicated I’ve just been having this problem lately and don’t know what to do about it. And none of my family have found out about it.

Thank you so much for your content I love it and will always read it when I’m feeling down

I hope you are doing okay! If there is anything else you’d like to request let me know! Sending my aggressive care!

Not proofread!

Warnings: minimal eating on reader’s end, you literally don’t sleep, my writing.

—

Secrets never stay hidden.

Cyno

You aren’t sure what provoked this change in mentality, but you can feel that it’s slowly affecting you.

Like a poison, it seems to take over your body more each day. Your portions in eating have plummeted immensely, barely able to eat so much as a bite.

And It’s been weeks. You don’t want to burden others with an issue that is clearly your own, So deciding this was the best option, you act as if nothing is different.

“Y/n”

Startled, your paperwork is now ruined, “Oh! Haha, you scared me.” Putting the pen down, you raise your head to look at Cyno, “why are you awake.”

Looking at him confused, you point to the writing beneath you with your eyes. “I have a few things I need to do before I sleep, honey.” Leaning into your seat, you let out a deep exhale.

“Simple work can wait for sunrise, and stop calling me that.” “Not a chance.”

“Fine, then allow me to make you something at least. I can’t promise it’ll be any good, but it’s better than overexerting yourself with nothing to replenish that energy.”

Closing your eyes, you call out as he walks further form your position, “Not necessary, I’m not hungry.” Continue it your previous task at hand, you assume he’s out of earshot.

But he’s just glaring at you scribbling mindlessly and begins to argue, “you haven’t eaten.”

“Cyno, please.” Placing your hand on the bridge of your nose.

“Y/n, you have been deceiving me for quite some time, do not act as if you are well enough to take care of yourself.” You pause, eyes widen for a moment then silence blankets the room.

Inhaling through his teeth, his demeanour relaxes, “I apologize I didn’t see it sooner, but please don’t feel the need to take it all on.” Taking the stacks of documentation and putting it aside, he takes your hand.

“I will not allow your health to be neglected further, lets eat even if it’s small. And by chance you cannot sleep, lay with me at the least.”

He stalks you now to ensure you are taking care of yourself.

Tighnari

You spent countless nights awake, the stress of life has kept your stress running. This throbbing feeling in your eyes is less than pleasant, and it feels like everything is a a hassle to accomplish. The thought of a full meal leaves you uneasy as you are too preoccupied indulging in your mind.

You didn’t know it would be this bad.

Had you known, you would not have mentions to your dear Tighnari that your sleep was off. It was said in passing, but you promised it would get better soon. Telling him to not worry about something so silly and to relax.

But how could he?

He watched your state worsen, you grew weaker and your body is losing it’s physical ability to function. Especially the last couple of days. Your head will nod off as you try to keep it in place, and you seem to be in a state of delusion. You forget to eat, or tell him you can’t because it makes you nauseous.

He’s worried.

“.. Y.. Y/n.. Y/N!” Fingers snap in your face as your vision snapped open. “Ah! I’m awake.” Gaining sometime of consciousness you see your fennec friend knelt to your level, “You said you’ve been sleeping better, are you lying?” “Of course not” leaning back and crossing your arms, you look up as if to prove something. “I’m fine.. and you should mind your own business!.”

How stubborn you are, he thought.

Sighing, he stands up and extends his arm out infront of you. “Well? come on. You and I both know this will end with me dragging you bed if you don’t listen.” Shaking his wrist for you to grab him.

“Fine.”

he quickly snatches your hand and pulls to you the bedroom. Face determined, he messes up the blankets and pillows into a nest-like appearance before he proudly smiles and pats the spot next to him. He totally is like a little fox.

As you lay down, you see he’s on side staring at you, “what?” Your soft voice makes his tail wag and his face graces a smile, “I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, even if it’s just this one time.”

Scooting closer to your body, he cradles your figure in hopes to promote your tired state. “I’ll be here when you wake up, and make you something to eat, okay?”

“If you so much as close your mouth one millimetre again, will find another way to feed you, even if it’s painful.”

Itto

He’s so stupid I’m sorry. He forgets you’re just a tiny human, and you don’t have extended limitations.

You’re tired and you don’t have the energy. Work has kept you hostage for hours, and seems to give no mercy when it came to giving you a break.

So when you finally get a day off, you planned on sleeping it away.

But looks like the Arataki idiot Oni Itto wanted to see you.

“YY/NNNNN! My baby, my angel, my-“ bursting though the door of your house, he yells seemingly as loud as he can on. Is he doing this on purpose?

With a groan you sit up to see the giant of a man smiling wide at you. “What is it?” Your hair’s a mess, and your house clothes wrinkled, you glare at Itto for disturbing your one day of peace. “Woah woah woah, you look horrible! What got my cutie all messed up?” Leaning down to in September your state further. Oh he really wants to get hit, you thought. Taking a deep breath, you let it out in hopes to ease your growing irritation,

“Please Itto, another day. I haven’t-“ “ y/nnnn Pweaase can we go out today, pretty pretty pleeaaase?”

He’s not even listening.

Flopping back down, you cover your body in sign to ignore the Oni.

“Hey! I’m talkin’ ! If you ignore me I’ll pretend I don’t know you anymore!” “Please leave my house stranger.” You indulge in his immaturity.

“No way, I haven’t seen you in like, uhhh I don’t know how long - but the point is, it’s been a while! And you don’t look good, gross even!.” “So let’s go eat something, I can bet with how much you work you forgot to.” Oh yeah. You don’t recall eating much in the last week, you should quit that job.

Picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder, he walks to the door.

“You can can do whatever you want after, I’m starving so let’s go out! And when we get back, I can hold you and lay with you, maybe even-“

“Don’t finish that sentence.”

“And we’re off!”

He doesn’t even know what’s going on.

I’m so sorry this doesn’t even feel like it’s good, I actually feel guilty.

[ultimateloserboy]

ok you know what im gonna say it with my full chest. literally nobody talks about bendy (the character) like who he actually is and ive been tired of it since the old game ended. i think hes genuinely one of the most incorrectly fanonized characters like ever at this point. and i genuinely believe it changed the actual canon and it bothers me a lot.

as for the physical version of him/ the ink demon— in the original batim game there was literally a whole plot point about bendy being non-human and how he came out of the machine physically and mentally sloppy compared to the other creations. hes not a fully fledged-out person and that’s LITERALLY an entire section of the original game. he has no human soul or mind, hes sentient but about as much as a gorilla. he attacks like a zombie or an animal with instinct and not like an angry human being. he cant speak because his mouth is fake and he cant walk properly because his limbs are liquid sludge— hes literally an abomination— a mockery of actual human life. its crazy to even call him the “villain” of the story because he doesnt have the thinking ability to genuinely be malicious. its like calling zombies the villains of zombie movies, they cant be because they dont have the brain function to be.

a lot of people ignored the obvious fact that he isnt human-like so they could sexualize him, which isnt as bad as sexualizing an actual animal— im not claiming that— but what bothers me is how the creators made him MORE HUMAN to lean towards these people and ill never think otherwise. yall can argue with me or call me chronically online, but bendy WASNT able to speak or was human-like at all until the dark revival, which was so obviously fan service its not even funny.

im not claiming that people who sexualize bendy are zoos or something— thats too far. what im claiming tho is that this genuinely interesting character was given consciousness and the ability to speak after previously not ever having those things JUST so booktok ass teenagers could swoon over him like they do venom, taking away the interest of his original character. he wasnt fully sentient until it made money for the creators and then suddenly hes speaking poetry in a deep sexy man voice with a fucking 8 pack. how does that not bother anyone? im not even trying to say its morally weird— im just saying its bad writing in general!!! like why do yall let these games ruin characters for fan service and not even give a fuck, and then have the balls to ask why newer ones are so poorly written?? no fucking shot EVERY one of yall was ok with them retconning his entire existence like HES THE MAIN CHARACTER???? DO YALL REALLY WANNA SEXUALIZE EVERYTHING //THAT// BAD TO THE POINT ITS OK TO REWRITE THE ENTIRE MAIN CHARACTER AS LONG AS IT MEANS YOU CAN FINALLY SEXUALIZE HIM CANONICALLY??????

and before people say anything— no i dont think its wrong for bendy to develop a voice or to become more human over time— BUT COME ON DUDE ARE YALL DENSE?? IVE SEEN LESS FAN-SERVICE STARING AT MY GOD DAMN AIR CONDITIONER!!!! they didnt “develop” bendy more— they retconned him to please freaks online!!! surely ONE of yall had to have noticed like… when tdr dropped the sexualization was so bad i genuinely didnt have fun with the series anymore. and I CANT because its justified now! the creators retconned him to be more sexyman so now you cant even argue against it!! literally why cant we have ONE thing online without people wanting to pound every single fucking character??

im sorry if this sounds mean but ive been upset about this for YEARS!! bendy was my favorite character as a kid and NOBODY gives him justice NOT EVEN HIS OWN CREATORS. it would be one thing if there was just a small portion that treated him like this but now its literally everyone and the games lean into it and i just want to explode and die at this point fr.

it genuinely makes me a little ill knowing he was once just a confused, soulless being fighting and killing out of the confusion, rage and fear that his cruel existence caused him to feel, but now hes just a deep voiced venom-ripoff villain whose just a big meanie and hunts you for sport or some stupid shit.

[colourstreakgryffin]

Yandere! Romantic! KNY Uzui Tengen Headcanons

This one with Tengen is honestly a bit rough and was a little hard to write for, but I hope it’s okay. Enjoy my glass angels!

Tengen as a romantic Yandere has the Yandere traits of; Delusional, Lovesick, Obsessive, Possessive, Overprotective, Romantic, Manipulative and Dramatic

If I’m being honest. Tengen would never be a “only you” Yandere since he has Hinatsuru, Makio and Suma, and him treating one new wife differently over his original three is unrealistic to his character so I made a compromise to make it better:

This is a very unique circumstance with the Sound Hashira himself. He is already married, not only married but married to three women. Why would he need a fourth wife? He doesn’t need four, but he wants four as he has eyes for the Ice Hashira, otherwise, you. You’re so bedazzling and jaw-dropping, it would be impossible to not fall for you on the spot

Tengen is a straightforward man with no insecurity and lots of confidence to back it up. He doesn’t fear to straight up tell you how he feels for you and insist you come over to his Estate for “training”

Tengen’s Yandere Traits begin very early, just like for his three wives and work in a pattern that extends to you as well; befriending, tricking, proposal, marriage then everything else and that everything else includes stealing away rights and preventing his love of choice from walking away from their marriage. He keeps his wives trapped under his thumb in hopes they’ll love him back eventually

Tengen is very lovesick over his new love interest, just like Giyuu. You cloud over his head as much as Hinatsuru, Makio and Suma do and he can’t function properly without seeing you everyday. He becomes overwhelmingly emotional if you’re not by his side 24/7 and he would probably go berserk so just keep him under control. He needs to feed his lovesickness

Why are you ignoring him today? You were enjoying your visit yesterday! Did he do something wrong? No, he couldn’t have! He only has been loving you, he’s the most perfect husband! What is the problem?

In a matching style to Shinobu, Tengen is a trickster and manipulates you into visiting his Estate a lot more then one should. Forces you with witty wordplay to befriend his wives and prays that you’ll like the both the friendly faces and luxurious life enough to want to stay permanently. Tengen is a chronic manipulator that plays with your decisions and drags you wherever he wants, it’s not like you can fight back…

Tengen is the least aggressive and murderous Yandere of the Hashira Nonad as he is 1) very confident in his abilities to woo and keep you as his and 2) he values his loves’ happiness and positive view of him severely. Why ruin that by killing when it’s unnecessary? His threats will run away with their tail inbetween their legs just at the sight of him. Tengen can easily get whatever woman he wants but he doesn’t mind getting a bit scary to shoo away those annoying pigeons

His wives, Hinatsuru, Makio and Suma aren’t Yanderes but he is obsessed with them in the same way he is obsessed with you. Due to his extreme care for his wives, Tengen can’t do the lot that the other Yandere Hashira can; the main being kidnapping. Even though, his three spouses are scared of him, they’d be desperate to escape if they caught him kidnapping you. Tengen doesn’t want to lose all three of his wives for one, no matter how obsessed he is

Tengen regularly proposes to you and the phrase “regularly” means EVERY. SINGLE. DAY and each of your rejections just flow past his head. You’re rejecting him because you’re not ready for that type of commitment and that’s okay! He can wait! He knows you like him, you’re just nervous about getting married.

He just can’t see that you’re not interested in him because he frightens you with how needy-pushy he is. Even if his wives are very kind and all, you don’t want to be around Tengen

Though, he won’t keep waiting as overtime, he eventually forces you to accept his proposal through emotion manipulation and subtle bribery. You have no choice, you’re gonna become the fourth Uzui wife against your will in front of Hinatsuru, Makio and Suma in the Sound Estate

Tengen is the most romantic Yandere ever. He gifts you the prettiest roses, the shiniest jewellery, the silkiest kimonos all the time to express his intense affection. He embraces you, gives loving kisses, tends to your injuries as much as he can. He doesn’t think it’s over-the-top or unnecessary as to him, you deserve being spoiled with all the most beautiful luxury

Like how he is with his wives, Tengen is overprotective over you. In all means; during conversation, during battle. You don’t need to talk to anybody but him and his wives, they are your true friends, the only people you should ever rely on. You don’t need to battle demons anymore, Tengen can provide enough money and protection for you, just stay with him!

Tengen is extremely dramatic in his temper fits. He wants your love, your attention, your affection and he throws a massive flashy hissy fit over you giving it to anybody else. He mainly uses guilt and emotion-means to manipulate you into averting your affections to him

“How could you, Dokusha?! Aren’t we the closest?! I can’t believe you’d pick a floozy over me, I’m the best catch! Do you even like me?! You have torn out my heart and stomped on it! I will forever be in pain for this stunt! You’re giving other people the attention they don’t deserve! Look at me! I’m so much better!”

Tengen is hella delusional like goddamn! You aren’t frightened nor disturbed by his obsessive nature, you’re flattered by how much he cares for you! He doesn’t let any insults, begging for freedom or outrages you throw at him process, you’re just moody from that injury you got recently. You could straight-up punch Tengen for trying to hug you and he would happily go back for a second hug, his brain scrambling to explain to him that you don’t mean anything harmful

Tengen is possessive and obsessive over his three wives and his fourth soon-to-be-wife. You have his last name, it means you now belong to him and only him. You don’t need your friends, you don’t need your old family, you just need him and the girls, you’re safe from those vile demons and he’ll confide to all the needs he knows about to make you happy as every Yandere Hashira will do.

He loves decorating your Kimono in the flashiest gemstones as he forcefully cradles you in his big lap and gives you kisses all over as you hold in your disgust. You don’t want this manipulative monster anywhere near you

He lured you into his trap by acting like a confident, playful ally-to-dear friend and then his little choppers snapped. He kept twisting your head until you said yes to his aggressive requests. All he does is hurt you but he won’t recognise it as he is blinded by his unhealthy passion for you

Even though you’re stuck in this garbage situation, just having the caring Hinatsuru, Makio and Suma there makes you feel so much more safer as they will defend you from Tengen as much as they can. Rather you, as a Hashira, be stronger than all three of them, they are fellow manipulated victims of Tengen’s twisted love circle and will help you through it so maybe, this new life won’t be so bad

Really, Yandere Tengen is somewhat the most like usual Tengen, he just spams the manipulation like crazy so he make sure you’ll stay in his Estate then he can love you to drown away everything nasty he did to your head

“A-Ah, look, Lord Tengen. She is quite pleased with her kimono”

“See that smile, Lord Tengen! Our lovely Dokusha is thrilled for the wedding!”

“She looks so pretty! Don’t you like what we did, Lord Tengen? We made sure it’s perfect!”

“You’re so beautiful, my love! Words aren’t enough to show you how happy I am for you to be mine. My gorgeous ladies, you have done such a wonderful job! Our Dokusha is as flashy as us and I’m so proud of your hard work! Do enjoy this day, it’s gonna be the best of your life and everything beyond will be so flamboyant, it’ll outdo every firework out there”

[saintsenara]

SORRY I KNOW ITS WEIRD ASKING A HP TUMBLR BLOG FOR LIFE ADVICE BUT IM SO CURIOUS HOW DO YOU MANAGE YOUR TIME

this is a genuine answer.

i think it's very important for there to be no doubt about the fact that - without medication - i would be fucked. there are plenty of non-medical ways of helping to manage adhd, but stimulant medication is the frontline treatment for a reason - no matter what the latest moral panic says. you cannot girlboss your way out of having an incurable neurological condition - and i will be honest that the few people in my life who think that you can are also the few people in my life i consider to be actively contemptible.

time management starts and ends with easily having executive function - and "easily" is the operative word. i can - of course - survive without medication - but i do so while stalked by a constant state of nervous energy which is just exhausting. not least because it ruins my sleep.

[the experience of realising that - no - you're not semi-nocturnal, you've just never before been properly calm the first time you take your pills... exquisite.]

and when i'm in the state of relative normality that legal amphetamine use brings, i manage my time by...

1. wearing a watch

no checking the time on my phone - i'll just get distracted by scrolling.

2. setting huge numbers of alarms

beat time-blindness with this one weird trick.

bonus points - if you're someone who finds it hard to switch between tasks or gets stuck hyper-focusing on things, then set the alarm and then put the device it's on far enough away from you that you have to move in order to turn it off.

3. putting everything on the wall

if you are dopamine-challenged, the best tip i can give you is that you are deluding yourself if you think you can use normal diaries/planners/to-do lists. this is why you probably have cupboards full of them.

stick everything on the wall, where you can see it, and set it up in a way that you can easily move tasks around [i.e. by using a whiteboard you can erase, or sticking your planner inside a plastic wallet and writing on it, or by having everything on sticky notes you can move around].

numbered task lists [i have to do x first, then move onto y] are a no-go - because if you don't do x, then you won't move onto y. but having groups of tasks - organised by urgency or difficulty, for example - which are right there in front of you can be selected from work much better with the adhd brain.

4. being a shark

by which i mean, being constantly on the move. desk chairs are the enemy. never sit still.

if you have adhd - and, to be frank, even if you don't - you will find that doing something physical while you need to concentrate on a task improves your ability to focus on that task. it also helps with managing time-blindness, task-switching, hyper-focus which is to the detriment of what you're supposed to be doing, and being easily distracted.

when i'm at work i literally never sit down. i use a standing desk [which, if you have a diagnosis of adhd and you're uk-based, counts as a reasonable adjustment your employer has to provide for you, fyi], and i have an under-desk treadmill [which i had to pay for myself, which i do not regret in the slightest] for tasks which really need a lot of effort to power through.

at home, i have an adjustable desk which i use as a standing desk or which i sit at while using an under-desk bike [which i use when i'm likely to get stuck hyper-focusing on something and need not to be - like if i'm writing fic but i need to meet up with friends at a certain time - because it's really uncomfortable and it therefore compels me to get up] or an exercise ball [the effort of not falling off really helps with concentration].

obviously, these types of movement are possible for me because i'm not physically disabled - it will look different for everyone, but any level of physical movement [including using fidget toys] helps with time management by improving focus.

5. body-doubling

this is a classic adhd-and-productivity thing, which means having someone physically with you while you work. they're not there to supervise you [or indeed to engage with you at all] - they're working on their own things - but the way that the adhd brain is primed for pattern recognition [and is very good at mimicry] means that you end up falling into the same rhythm as the other person.

if you need to complete something in a finite amount of time, then having someone you can body-double with is really useful, because you're less likely to get distracted from or overwhelmed by the task at hand. similarly, having a double helps prevent you getting stuck hyper-focusing.

6. owning my shit

everyone - even the most neurotypical of people - is late, or misses deadlines, or forgets meetings, or puts off tasks sometimes. it will happen no matter how brilliant your organisational system is. it's part of life.

but if you have adhd, it's very easy to fall into "well, this is just what i'm like" thinking - both self-critically ["i can't improve this, i'm a fuck-up"] and self-indulgently ["he has no right to be angry at me for being late for his party, he knows i have adhd"].

untrue. if you struggle with time management you have a responsibility to get a grip on aspects of those struggles which inconvenience other people. you will have to be quite strict with yourself in order to do this - i've ended up in a position, for example, where i'm always extremely [and often inconveniently - i do a lot of lurking outside the function waiting until it's time to go in] early for things. this is because i know that if i give myself an inch ["oh, i can wait fifteen minutes before leaving, it'll be fine!"] then i'll take a mile ["fuck, i should have left half an hour ago"].

so too with tasks. that "you can do this later... just go on your phone for a bit" voice is the devil speaking. do not listen.

i'm afraid that i've not found this becoming more intuitive with time - i have to be constantly strict with myself, in a way that neurotypical people don't - but it's just the way it is, you just have to do your best.

be community-minded about the things you need to do, be proactive in identifying what your weak areas are and thinking about how you can get around them [as i've said, mine is being late, and so i'm always hyper-alert about not slipping into complacency around this] forgive yourself for the odd slip, say sorry without caveats to people you inconvenience, thank people who are gracious, and extend grace in turn.

7. taking every bit of help going

i'm open about my diagnosis at work - which is a piece of good fortune which isn't available to everyone.

[although, if you're uk-based, a diagnosis of adhd counts as a disability under the equality act - your employer is obligated to make reasonable adjustments for you, you can't be dismissed just for having adhd, and you are entitled to bring a claim of disability discrimination if you are not provided with reasonable adjustments. you are also entitled to apply for an access to work grant - which provides financial assistance for adjustments which fall outside of the reasonable costs your employer is legally obliged to incur.]

i have adjustments at work [not only my standing desk, but things like permission to record meetings and to have all instructions issued in writing] and i feel absolutely no shame over it. if i can get something for free from the government to make my life easier, i will take it.

i am also absolutely shameless about taking advantage of my colleagues to help with time management - using them as body doubles, or asking them to get me from my office so i'm not late to things, for example - and i take advantage of my friends and family along the same lines.

human beings are social creatures - this is literally what we're designed to do - and it's incredibly important to reject the "i owe nobody anything" paradigm [which is one of the most egregious crimes of modern, poorly-regulated therapy]. i receive support, and i repay it turn by doing things for the people who help me.

8. constantly having a little treat

i am a grown adult with three degrees and a mortgage. i have also been known to use a star chart for a little flutter of pride in myself.

if you have a time management triumph, give yourself a little treat. you deserve it.

[appri-dot]

Pls infodump I wanna know stuff Abt ur ocs🥺🥺🥺🐟🐟

I SAVED THIS ASK FOR WHEN I GET INTO AN OC RAMBLING MOOD BUT I SHOULD PROBABLY JUST USE IT THIS ISN'T UNO!!! OKAY SO UHM- LET ME TALK ABOUT SOME GUYS THAT I NEVER EVER DO! under read more though because they are embarrassing..sigh

Anyway, back to fun things! BSS and Reserved Complex are my dynamic duo Iterator ocs.

Reserved Complex was an early-age Iterator ontop of a preexisting city, she was extremely populated an adored. As they had already grown fond of her before she was created by where she was placed. effectively presenting her as the conscious embodiment of home. As the movement for ascension developed and became more feasible the overly attached iterator started a campaign against it, and even attempted to dissuade her citizens from partaking until forced correction had disabled her ability to propagandize.

She couldn't do anything. And it ruined her a bit.

She became obsessed with their absence, interested in the evolution of life that sprouted from it. Her local group saw her as a very maternal figure, posed as graceful and a parallel to ancients. She earned the trust and adoration of many aside from an individual named Brothers Sworn Secrecy.

Brothers Sworn Secrecy is sort of controversial, he was made to solve the great problem, but a division of ancients who were adverse to the common culture developed on his superstructure. Hedonism and taboo acts were a staple, hidden by a shared sense of secrecy amongst the population. Where they would live to experience pleasure until the era of ascension.

BSS was very VERY closed off because of this, it was obnoxious how impossible it was to communicate with him or his citizens. Until finally there was a seizure of his people to be quickly straightened out for their negative influences, and BSS was abandoned, left with a gift of independence, acutely aware of each and every functional system inside and out of his can, as they one day hoped he could join them.

He had kept all the secrets they buried with himself, removing himself from the local group communications and dedicating his life to secretly discovering the taboo of self elimination.

And everyone lived that way, existing through cycles and cycles with no real deviation from their previous experiences. Until RC did something so unacceptable and offensive that she was effectively blacklisted from any and all communications. (She tried to force the evolution of a new sapient species to replace the ancients, revealing that thousands of cycles of trust lead to some unholy abomination that triggered taboos never considered)

Afterwards she considered trying to communicate with BSS who didn't exactly have her blocked but was just literally off radar. Developing a means to earn the consideration and grace of the group again by using BSS as her target. She made a slugcat🥰 awww! One with a short lifespan and in such a way that it couldn't exactly function properly, and the only thing it could do was reach BSS...atleast that's what it hid itself as. It was an infection, it could breed and fast, as cycles past the creature would essentially just die and have its children die aswell. Many cycles, many generations. Destroying the local ecosystem of BSS's structure, like a virus.

Nothing stopped them, they had no message, and they had no mercy.

So he eventually reinstated his communication to everybody's shock to plea for help and beg anybody to save him. That's where RC steps in. Basically working to "fix" the issue. Using her gross abomination lizards to kill the slugcats in mass. But they couldn't really persist against a monument of icky critters. And RC knew they wouldn't.

BSS as of current is managed by the group as a sick loser. RC earning her spot back as the sweet and tender mother who only wants what's best. And she would've gotten away with it if it weren't for that meddling slugcat!!!! (Leech)

I NEED TO STOP BEFORE I REACH SOME KIND OF LIMIT!!! I LOVE THESE TWO SO SO SO SO MUCH THEY MAKE ME SICK AND ILL AND CLAP MY HANDS, the reason I'm embarrassed and don't talk about them much is because they are what I call, "unofficial fandom ocs" I don't know enough canon story elements to confidently talk about them aloud because there might be some lore inconsistencies in how they are portrayed

Also there's other dudes lol

[conostra]

Griffith, Guts, and the Death of Innocence: How Murdering Children Fucks You Up Mentally, Actually

Griffith and Guts are many things- almost lovers, brothers-in-arms, trusted comrades, and above all else, incredible reflections of each other. Miura created both of these men as phenomenal foils, and there’s never a moment where this doesn’t shine through in their reactions to certain events, and to their own growth, snd how it cganges5their perceptions of each other. But there’s one particular pair of events that I think perfectly illustrates their differences: The death of innocence to their own hands.

I’ve talked at length (at least 20-something pages worth LOL) about Griffith’s absolutely fucked up relationship to… well, relationships in general. I made a post specifically about his interactions and relationship with the young boy who joined the Hawks. But to succinctly summarize my thoughts: Griffith was faced with an absolute that he was forced to reconcile with in order to continue pursuing his dream. When that young boy had the wings granted to him by the Hawks clipped by battle and bled out into the terrain of war, Griffith was very clearly distraught. He is left to ponder the fact that this young boy, younger than even him at this point, was led to battle by his sword, and led to sword by his word. He's cost this boy his entirety, every dream he ever had or could ever have, every possibility his life's multitudes could have contained. Gone. All through his mere words, his very existence. And this would happen to countless more boys, and men, and women, children, innocents, civilians and soldiers alike, should he continue.

Guts was equally invested in what he caused, but the difference was that the blood showed not in his words, but on his hands. On Griffith’s orders, one night, Guts assassinates the brother of the King of Midland, and in the midst of escaping, he kills a smaller figure that, only after his sword plows clean through his abdomen, does Guts realize was, in fact, the young son of the man. Guts has cast this boy to death, having cut off any chance of him ever truly knowing his father's love. Any chances at being better than the sorry nobility with which he was surrounded, all through chance, were squandered, all through chance. This was not intended, this was not planned, and yet, it happened all the same, and Guts was left to flounder in the inescapable pool of his own inner turmoil after the fact.

Both of them are forced to have the bleak reality of their actions wash over them like rain, and both are forced to reckon with what they've done.

Both of them, understandably, are destroyed by this. Obliterated. Neither of them can function properly after the fact, and for a long while. But for one of them, this becomes permanent. One of them breaks themselves down from this, while the other becomes broken. One of these men allows this instance to define who they will be, and the other uses this to guide who they will become.

Griffith, from this, falls into the medieval equivalent of the alt-right pipeline LOL, specifically indoctrinated under the idea that If I Don't Feel Things, They Can’t Hurt Me. And for the record, he is wrong. Both in his ability to not be hurt by things, and his ability to not feel them. This incessant repression of all of himself, his emotions, his sexuality, his own human desires at the expense of his grandiose dream, lead him down a path of ruin. This pseudo-stoicism lends itself only to festering truths being locked under a truthful veneer of depressive apathy, a complete expression of himself in its own right, cracked only when in the company of a man who he deems to bear as much as himself. He wants to shut this turmoil away and bury it, only to allow it to continue to simmer, burn and flash in some moments, and ultimately explode in a brutal, spectacular fashion.

Guts, meanwhile, as the actual face of some weird alt-right ideas from idiots about the way anger and suffering supposedly actually make you *stronger*, instead becomes a better warrior and a better man by not allowing this moment to define who he is, and who he can continue to be. He will always define himself as a warrior first. But a warrior does not necessarily mean a ruthless slaughterer of men, women, and children alike, an indiscriminate killer who cares only that his sword is swinging, and does not care what fills the space in its arc. And it takes him time, an entire journey in fact, to learn and truly understand and internalize this. But it happens. Because he allows himself the space to mull over himself and his destiny, and does not internalize and pathologize what he does and what happens to him the way Griffith does. But they are in different situations, under different weights during different circumstances- and yet, this is what makes them these foils. Neither of these men would react the same way to either’s situation, and we can tell that in the way they oppose in the same. 

But a man is made as much through his actions as he is through that which acts upon him, and I think they exemplify that very well.

[lilflowerpot]

After literally just throwing my previous thoughts into the void without any real structure, I realised that, no, actually I really wanted to break this down properly even if only for my own peace of mind, so:

That teal-green colour is shared between the twili and everything we’ve seen of the zonai tech in TotK thus far, standing distinctly apart from the true-blue of the sheikah tech. While the Palace of Twilight does have a lot of red-tech, this is Zant’s influence (just as the twili themselves are riddled with red markings when in their corrupted, bestial forms, but teal-green when returned to their true forms by the light of the sol orbs.

Speaking of TP’s sol orbs, the zonai charge we saw in the new gameplay footage looks a hell of a lot like a smaller, modified version of one, which would make sense seeing as when Link first encounters one of these glowing spheres, Midna describes it as “the source of life in [the twilight realm]... it is pure power.” In other words, it’s the perfect candidate to function as the primary power core of a construct.

The Twilight realm itself (or the little we see of it, at least) is a series of small floating islands in the sky. Need I say more?

Totk’s newly released emblem with its three eyes doesn’t not look like the glowing carvings behind the twilight throne. Again, we see snakes and eyes and swirls... you get the picture. Given how the symbols associated with the rest of Hyrule’s races have evolved throughout various games, I wouldn’t think it an impossible reach.

Zant’s entire design //screams// zonai. The carvings on his helmet and shoes echo the zonai carvings that litter BotW’s overworld, his shoulder pads have snakes akin to TotK’s ourborors, and the same can be said for the embroidery of his sleeves which AGAIN comes in that same teal-green.

Midna’s headpiece has those same zonai-dragon-heads, and combined with her glowing teal-green embroidery & tattoos that almost look like circuitry, and her skirt is pattered with gears that represent the fact that the twili were not only magic users but in possession of advanced technology (moving platforms / giant hand sentinels / sol spheres),,, it’s not hard to believe that, given a little more time, the twili’s level of advancement in TP could very easily have become that of the zonai in TotK.

Midna’s fused shadow helmet is considered a “dark/forbidden power” and that may well be true, but... again it’s designs not only look like those of the zonai (geometric patterns & snakes) but also circuitry, and it’s really not that much of a stretch to think that what the twili achieved was an advanced technology that either looked like or was literally powered by magic. Either way, the abilities of the fused shadow (to corrupt and empower) and that of the mirror of twilight (to travel between worlds) are //astounding//, and again in line with the feats of engineering that the zonai were evidently capable of judging by not just the ruins that litter Hyrule, but in particular the three labyrinths.

Jumping back to colour analysis for a hot sec, the construct’s eyes are really important to me: yellow and red/orange. the two colours that the twili’s eyes were shown to be (Zant’s yellow, the unnamed civilians’ red, and Midna’s a combination of the two). The eye of the fused shadow is also a dead-ringer for those of the constructs.

TotK’s deity could very well be wearing a fused shadow of its own (or something like it) Assuming the seven objects surrounding it are something link has to collect throughout the game, they might be collected in those little glowing green phials we saw him carrying around in one of the trailers, and those very much reminded me of collecting the tears of light in TP (and also SS’s silent realms but please god don’t make me do that again they were terrifying).

Narratively speaking, the zonai (their name being a take on nazo, a word meaning "mystery" in Japanese) ~mysteriously~ disappeared one day without a trace... the twili were banished to the twilight realm by the golden goddesses... if I were an average hylian citizen, I’d find that pretty damn mysterious.

I, personally, miss the twili and would like them back please and thank you.

[cardworksartblog]

Meet The Elder, a slugcat I came up with for shenanigans involving my Consequence of Curiosity blog! He's an old man who flew in on a vulture and just decided to set down roots in Con's body bc she has a scav problem :) u may have seen a sneek peek at him if u follow said blog btw.

Some lil tidbits of info abt him under the cut!

He's become strictly vegetarian after moving into Con's can, after observing how much she seems to value the bugs she houses in her old city. He also refuses to go up into said city, because of all the bugs. Giant dropwigs, spiders and centipedes aren't something he'd like to fight with over food.

Elder is also very smart, and has travelled all around to speak to many different iterators to gain wisdom about the world and its intricacies. With these ventures, he's learnt how to properly read the ancient's language and often enjoys reading the old tomes that lay scattered around ruins and old cities.

However, he cannot read pearls, so he often keeps any coloured ones he finds in a shelter for later reading. 'How does he carry so many without losing them??' You may ask, and to that I say; a mixture of him fashioning bags out of lizardskin, and him being able to store a large amount of them in his stomach due to being much older than any of the playable slugcats.

(discounting Saint. Saint keeps getting melted in the acid idk how old Saint is.)

But I've yet to even mention the most striking ability that Elder possesses, which would be the fact that he can melee literally any and all creatures with his bare fists. Think gourmand's goomba stomp but it functions like arti's mutilate action. He's very capable in a fight despite his old age, and will never hesitate to cunk a scav, lizard or vulture over the head to get them to behave. Somehow he's not despised by literally all scavs, mostly just hated by the scav king and all of the colonies that came from him due to... a History that they have together.

[themyscirah]

@vampirehal asked me the ask game but for Jess, so I'm putting that in a separate post here : )

First impression:

Read Green Lanterns first and was like "oh she's AWESOME"

Impression now:

I AM OBSESSED WITH THIS WOMAN. sorry she's just SOOOOOO interesting to me. So cool so strong so BRAVE. I have so many feelings abt Jess I could talk about her for hourssssss

Favorite moment:

Hgggg okay so like Green Lanterns was one of the first comics I read like 3 years ago so I love it but my memory is starting to get kind of fuzzy. I'm doing a character read rn of both Simon and Jess and I'm up to Green Lanterns with Jess but need like 10 more Simon issues to get there with him (so early warning I'm about to get REALLY insufferable abt them) so of her moments before that I'd probably say her big moments resisting Volthoom as Power Ring? I'm insane for the whole Power Ring stuff in general tbh. Like OH MY GOD?!?!?!?!

This is more of a simonjess moment that a Jess character moment but the whole "Just breathe, Jess"/God thing in Green Lanterns is INSANE to me actually. Like what the hell oh my god THEY REALLY WROTE THAT????? wild.

Idea for a story:

On god I have SO many. So many. For one more specific to just Jess and her character arc I have an idea about her time as a Yellow Lantern and exploring that and working that in as a step in her arc and connecting it back to past moments as both GL and PR. (This eventually ends with her going back to GL) This idea is a biggie for me and one of my favorites but probably won't see a ton of progress for a while because I'm just starting rebirth on her character read and so won't get there for a while.

That's just one but I have lots of ideas, including those during her time as Power Ring which is a CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED era of Jess. Her mental state and struggles there are so insane to me and yet nobody takes what's written to their logical conclusion and it just !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know Justice League is a team book and they did some stuff with it but that actually drives me so nuts they didn't focus on Jess more during that era.

Also also have an idea that functions as a combo of Blackest Night (haven't read yet 💀) and the Star Wars zombie au novel Red Harvest that inserts Jess (and Simon too lol but we're not talking abt him rn) into Blackest Night (likely as an au, possibly canon compliant if it works once i read BN) and has Jess on Mogo alone protecting his ring from a group of zombies. It plays a lot on her origin and hunting abilities as she is tracked through the forest by the reanimated corpses of her murdered friends.

Unpopular opinion:

Hmm... I feel like she's a character with less popular opinions and more just opinions. Anyways here are some Jess opinions I disagree with.

"Simon and her should just be friends, men and women don't have to date etc." I mean yes i definitely agree in the importance of close platonic relationships between men and women but like... that's just not simonjess to me. They've also 100% got a hetbait thing going on so it's not like it isn't present in canon. Also like Jess does have close important relationships with men she isn't dating? Take her and Vic for instance (or in my ignoring canon lalala world her and Barry). Just very much disagree on this point.

Also ppl who think that Jess being a Yellow Lantern for a bit is like ruining her character or whatever I disagree? I think it had the potential to be done absolutely terribly (anxiety disorder = yellow ring type bs) but from what I've seen I don't think it has? I haven't gotten to this bit either yet but I think it's a concept with potential that could be beneficial to her character growth if done properly

Favorite relationship:

SIMONJESS!!!!!!!!! (To absolutely no one's surprise) they are like actually everything to me, basically the thesis of this blog at this point I just love them sooooo much. I feel like I talk about them a lot and yet still don't do it anywhere near enough. I can get hesitant to post bc I haven't read every single comic they're in yet or whatever but like I'm going through character reads right now and they're right about to meet so trust that situation WILL change and you will wish I'd shut up abt them : )

Also mentioned this earlier but Jess's friendships with Vic and Barry are very important to her character-wise in my mind.

Favorite headcanon:

Was about to say that I don't make a lot of headcanons but that is a LIE. anyways this is more of a future desired timeline thing so not canon but I think that when her and Simon get together, when one of them has to go out to space alone for a decent amount of time they swap rings and Jess talks to Simon's ring

[weregreatatcrime]

I NEED TO TALK ABOUT RISE MIKEY'S HANDS

I Love Love Love everyone writing him with nerve damage after the portal. It's amazing and some folks really do their research

It also hits fucking hard, as I also used to be a very active artist before losing function to my hands due to nerve issues and tremors. I'm having to retrain my hands lately to draw again. It's been two years and the first year I couldn't hold a pencil without throwing it.

So maybe it's entirely too therapeutic to think about Rise Mikey having to have compression gloves to help the shakes and tremors. They also help with the aches that go deep into the bones and joints. Learning to hold a pencil again is hard. It hurts. It takes him practice and patience and lots of love and support from his family.

Maybe drawing is too much. Fine motor functions are hard to do when your hands don't listen to you properly. You have to learn how to write as a kid, not just learn how, but you train your muscles as a kid. And it hurts! Training muscles hurts. Training the fine motor muscles, that require much more effort and concentration, is harder.

So maybe pencils and pens and markers is a bad idea. They need too much precision. Maybe charcoals or oil or chalk pastels are a struggle because they're either too small to hold or they snap in his fingers. They also need lots of little details, little smudges, little movements that are hard to control. One wrong twitch and a charcoal piece can be ruined.

Spraypainting? Oh gods no. That's both way too much muscle to use and too much arm control needed- you have to support and control your entire arm to aim it and that is a huge no with tremors that shake up your arms.

Painting is hard. You have to do detail work carefully and you can't unmix something once you've started. But if you relax, if you stop worrying, if you let yourself be bad... painting is still possible. So painting is a start.

He'd need grips, need something to wrap around the brushes to hold onto them easier. And he definitely doesn't make anything too great while practicing. But practice is practice and he can use this. Work on the ability to hold the brushes first. Get his brothers to help pour out his pallets- the first time he tries and pours half a bottle of paint across the table he cries. But once he has a start, he can go anywhere from there

He has to pace himself or end up going days without being able to use his hands. Push too far and they'll shake and cramp in pain. But pace himself, rest, stretch- do so many stretches- and bit by bit he'll bring himself back

The first time he tried to draw and tossed a pencil he cries. The first time he has the courage to pick the pencil back up afterwards is a whole different challenge. But he's got it.

[rngyis]

2014; june 13.

cw;; drug use / mention

“Just do a little, Yi. Come on, you know how much I spent on this party, right? Don’t ruin all of the fun.” His words seemed barely audible to Kit, her ears ringing from the combination of both the way-too-loud trap music and cocktail of various pills in her system. She felt like she could feel herself spinning, struggling to keep her eyes focused on the prepped lines of cocaine laid out on the table in front of her. If it wasn’t for his almost scripted way of begging her to take more, push herself over the edge, she wouldn’t be able to tell who it was who was speaking to her. With a nod, the girl moved her position to better face the direction she’d need to lean in order to comply with her boyfriend’s request.

As if he could tell that she was losing ability to function properly (of course he could tell), he helped her lean over, holding a crisply rolled bill up to their right nostril. She managed to plug her other one with her hand, her eyes falling shut as she inhaled through her nose as hard as she could manage. Almost instantly, she could feel a drip in the back of her throat, and she sat up and grabbed a nearby cup to attempt to wash the taste away. A burn followed the sips, probably an old cup of vodka that she had been working on a few hours prior. She actually didn’t know how long she had been sitting on this couch. With a groan, her body slumped over to rest on the shoulder of her boyfriend, feeling herself falling deeper into exhaustion. 

Ryangyi fell in and out of consciousness, trying her best each time she woke up to determine the time, the.. place? Who was she with? Did she have school tomorrow? When was the last time she called her parents? A question or two would attempt to verbalize itself every now and again but only came out as an incoherent mumble which the older man she’d accompanied would dismiss with a kiss or a drag of whatever cigarette or joint he’d currently be dragging from before turning his attention back to his friends, all who pretended to not notice the high schooler. Which, to be fair, was something they always did. No one would probably notice if she was there or not. 

At what had to be close to 4AM, Ryangyi had managed to pull out her phone, seeing the time. 4:03am. Nice. Her eyes squinted, desperately trying to read out the date that was in a smaller font on top of the time read on her lock screen. When it finally came into focus, a groan came from her and she used what consciousness she had left to unlock the phone, open Kakao, and compose a message. Her typing was slow but deliberate, and caught the attention of her company. Without prompting, he took the phone and read to himself what she had been sending out. He scoffed, looked at her, then locked her phone, placing it into the pocket of his jacket. “Don’t bother, he has better things to worry about today than you.” 

His words luckily held little weight to her in that moment, more due to the fact that she hardly heard them than anything else. A small pout found its way to her slightly chapped lips before she felt herself begin to doze back off, making a mental note to hit send on her drafted message. 

“happy birthday baby ino and my precious sihyunnie!!! noona will come visit soon, promise~!! eat so much cake, just for me!! ❤️🎉🎂"

[creaturebehavior]

miss him a lot today and missing having friends who i can talk to. i don’t want just any friends i want friends who i can trust and talk to.

i’ve noticed myself dwelling recently over the ways i hurt Rose. i wish i would have been in a better place when we got together. that’s one of my biggest regrets in life is how i was so out of control when we dated.

i know there’s nothing i can do about it.

we had this connection and were able to be vulnerable in ways i never have been able to with anyone else. i wish i hadn’t ruined it and hurt them so badly. i haven’t been able to forgive myself and i also can’t fathom ever meeting someone who i can connect with like that again

of course, they made sure we didn’t get too close because i was so unpleasant to be with. but whenever we did actually connect, it felt like magic. i loved how we encouraged each other to be ourselves. i felt like myself when i was with them. and they loved me for it. i hate that i hurt them.

i know they weren’t perfect either and they hurt me in some ways too but i know i was the one who brought on almost all the turmoil

i can’t imagine i’ll ever meet someone who i can feel that free with. even though i couldn’t let go with them completely though i tried, they made it clear they weren’t interested in doing that with me. but i still felt more open and more myself with them than with anyone else.

and i treated them the way i did because i didn’t know better and because i needed help but i can’t figure out how to forgive myself because i really made their life hell.

we’ve reconciled i guess….. i’ve made amends to them since it happened but the more i mature and the more distance i get for some reason instead of forgiving myself i just feel worse and worse about what i did

that’s why i don’t date anymore. because after Rose i dated Adam to punish myself and that didn’t make me feel any better.

i know with all my heart that i can’t function in a relationship and it feels soul crushing to acknowledge this

i don’t have the ability to regulate my emotions properly so i know i’ll never be able to truly have a close friend again.

i miss feeling mildly safe and feeling connection and joy

i don’t know if i’ll ever forgive myself. every time i remember our joy, i remember our pain. i hurt them so much. i’ll never forgive myself.

i wanted to be close with them. i’m so sorry i was scary and awful. always having panic attacks and crying. i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry. i could never stay sober no matter how many times i promised im so sorry. i’m so sorry i was scary and loud im so sorry.

that time i came home from a trip and they realized while i was gone that they didn’t wanna be with me anymore. i was so excited to see them when i came home, but they avoided me for days. i had no idea that’s what i was gonna come home too. i had such a horrible family vacation i was so relieved to be home and so excited to see them. they didn’t want to see me. after a couple days i think i probably manipulated them into coming over. i bought this stupid towel while i was on vacation that had this cartoon couple riding in a car and they looked androgynous and queer which i thought was so cute and the towel said “enjoy the journey” which i thought was perfect because me and rose were always talking about being on this journey of life together.

when they finally came over i showed them the towel and they gave me this look. and i knew in the instant that they didn’t want to be with me anymore. but then i stayed in denial because i wanted to believe our love was strong enough to withstand everything

then for some reason we stayed together until i went to rehab in spring. they were finally ready to leave me. i still didn’t really get it. Until this phone call we had. and they expressed how they don’t want to be with me anymore.

i don’t know why i was surprised. they would get time away from me and see how toxic i was. i’m so sorry for what i put them through. i wish we would have broken up a year sooner.