#And i'm wearing gay tshirts while I do it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bluegekk0 · 1 year ago

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Manifesting the biggest hug for you. I don’t know if you’re still having a hard time, but just in case, I’m going to offer some words of encouragement. I’m not the best at this sort of thing, but imma try. Just know this: everyone who’s stuck around for this long adores you and what you contribute to the Hollow Knight fandom. We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t. You’re loved and appreciated, and while we are simply the gay little people on the other side of the screen or even the other side of the world, we’re here to back you up and support you in whatever you do.

What was the design process behind the modern clothes for the FPK family? Lewk in his onesie is absolutely adorable. Holdable. I’d love to know how you arrived at each fit! They all look amazing!

;; thank you so much, this really means a lot to hear. i really do appreciate everyone who's here to support my silly little au, and words like these really brighten up my mood. thank you

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as for the question, i think it all mostly came down to finding combinations of clothes that would fit their personalities. in general, most of them prefer comfortable clothes, so that's why you see a lot of loose shirts and pants. also, most of them have buttons or zippers on their clothes, primarily because it would be difficult for them to squeeze their large heads with all kinds of horns and spikes into a regular tshirts or other clothes like that

i'll start in the order they appeared on the drawing, so that means lewk is the first one. i had a lot of trouble with his outfit due to his wings. they connect to his body all the way from the shoulders to the tail, and that significantly limits clothing options. i couldn't give him pants with a built in tail sleeve or a band extension/back hook, like i did with fpk, since the wings would get in the way. similarly, the top part of his outfit was just as problematic, especially since pants were out of the equation. so instead, i chose a zipped onesie with a tail sleeve, and two long slit type sleeves for the wings. and i'm very glad i did, not only does it fit the fact that he's the kid of the family, but it also makes him look really adorable hahah

as for grimm, i knew from the start that i wanted him to wear a loose, half unbuttoned shirt. it's just what he's like, he's the flirtatious type, of course he's going to go for this kind of look. i imagine he'd wear suits quite often, but since this is what their everyday clothes are like, he instead opts for something more comfortable. not sweatpants kind of comfortable, that's not his style, but still relatively loose. comfortable, but stylish. that's what he aims for

for fpk, it had to be something that would make you go "yeah, he's an awkward nerd". my friend suggested suspenders, and my mind immediately went to the 11th doctor. and so that was my man inspiration, particularly for the colors. naturally i left out the bowtie, cause that would be too on the nose, but the colors are very similar to one of his outfits. as for his pants, they include a tail sleeve with buttons at the top

(something like this)

now, holly. i knew they would like very comfortable clothes, so i went with a loose shirt and sweatpants. i also knew i wanted the sleeves to be quite wide, so that they have no trouble putting it on with their prosthetic arm on (since it has the junk aesthetic as opposed to a more sleek and modern look, it has a lot of parts that would inevitably get in the way). and, of course, the shirt is buttoned. there's no way they would fit that giant head into a button-less top hahaha. as for the colors, i wanted to keep the green of their regular cloak, so i went with greenish brown pants and a light shirt to give it a nice contrast

hornet is definitely a bit of an outlier. she's a bit of an angsty teenager personality on the au, she's never really matured past that point, so this kind of outfit fits her. she's a bit of a skater type i imagine, she would without a doubt shred it on a skateboard. additionally, i always saw her as someone who would dislike feminine clothes and aesthetic. mostly just a personal preference, but she has a reason to. the white lady and her weren't very close, but she would still try to force hornet into more elegant and royal clothes, usually fancy (and uncomfortable) dresses. not surprising that she ended up hating anything that even resembles a dress, and why she was very insistent on calling her previous outfit a cloak as opposed to a dress. it also explains why her new outfit looks the way it is, and i wanted to reflect that in her modern clothes as well. plus i think it just really fits her personality haha

zote was a bit troublesome. i wasn't exactly sure what kind of clothes he would wear, it's hard to imagine him in anything else than his purple cloak. i wanted to find something that would give the impression of a "wannabe cool guy who gets bullied a lot", and somehow ended up with this sans-esque fit. not complaining, i think it suits him lmfao

also, both hornet and zote have shoes. it's something that's also present in their regular designs. as for the reason why, i'm not sure. part of it is probably because i don't know what their feet would look like (for hornet, i imagine it's a mix between fpk's cat-like feet and something closer to spider feet, but i have no clue about zote), but i think it also fits their outfits. who knows, maybe their feet are just more sensitive than the rest hahaha

#ask stuff #feral pk au

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daegudrama · 1 year ago

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Title: You Belong With Me

Pairing: Tyunning

Summary: Sweet high school Kai and Taehyun navigating a change in their relationship.

Word Count: 4,413 words

Taehyun

It's a typical Tuesday night and I'm listening to the kind of music most of my peers wouldn't like. Lately I've been really into music from other countries. I don't know why people think it's weird. Music transcends language in my opinion.

I look towards my window wondering if I'll catch a glimpse of the boy next door. Huening Kai and I have been friends since I moved here in second grade. We know each other better than anyone else and we are always there for each other. Well...we used to be.

Ever since he started dating Cynthia he's acted different. She doesn't want to hang out with me because I'm in pep band and she thinks I'm gay. She hasn't said that to Kai but I've heard her say it to her friends. Cynthia doesn't understand Kai like I do and that has led to numerous fights between them. Someone needs to put that girl in her place.

Kai comes into view of his window and I can see him waving his hand around while holding the other to his ear. Fighting with Cynthia again it looks like. I wonder what it's about this time. I'm always the one to comfort him when she takes a joke too seriously or is overly jealous. She fits every stereotype of a rich privileged cheerleader and I can't understand why Kai even likes her.

His dark brown hair is falling in waves across his forehead and he desperately needs a haircut. He's about a week away from not being able to see anything. Maybe that's what he wants I wouldn't want to see his girlfriend's face every day either. He's wearing a big tshirt and basketball shorts I got him last Christmas.

The sound of something falling in my room breaks my attention. My Junior Jewels shirt from band camp had fallen off my wall for what must be the twelfth time since I put it up. I set it aside not wanting to deal with it right now.

Kai spent the summer at home while I was away at camp learning how to repel any romantic attention that might come towards me. Band camp really is the best birth control money can buy.

My room is filled with pictures of my friends and music that has had deep impact on my life. Each square inch covered with another piece of who I am. A picture from freshman year catches my eye and I can't help but smile. Kai and I after his first junior varsity football game. He was so sweaty and muddy but that didn't stop me from hugging my best friend.

Across the room my phone dings from where I left it on my bed. There is only a few people who regularly text me and a quick glance to Kai's window tells me it's probably him.

Hyuka: do you want to watch a movie in the clubhouse? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

His emoji choice has me questioning things I shouldn't be thinking about. I can't let my mind go there and cause more of my poor heart strings to break.

It's been awhile since we hung out in the clubhouse because like I said his girlfriend is a jerk. When Kai was eight his dad built him a shed in the backyard where he could play with his friends. As we got older we've redecorated and turned it into a hangout place.

Me: i can be there with popcorn in ten. See you soon

After putting on a sweatshirt and socks I go downstairs to make popcorn. Mom is standing next to the sink but doesn't ask what I'm doing. When the popcorn is done I tell her where I'm going.

"Be back before ten." She says and I nod on my way out the door.

I unlock the gate of the Huening backyard and walk towards the clubhouse. Kai is sitting on the couch with the projector already warmed up and ready to go when I walk in.

"Hey," I say taking off my shoes in the doorway before walking to the couch. "Are you okay? I saw you through the window and you looked heated."

"Cynthia is being overdramatic again." He says as I sit beside him handing the popcorn over. "I was texting one of her cheerleader friends about an idea for a pep rally and she thinks I shouldn't do that. She said that's how it starts."

"How what starts?" I ask genuinely confused as to what she might mean.

"I'm not even sure. Maybe she thinks I'm going to cheat on her? I really have no idea. I like her but sometimes she's too much." He sighs leaning back in his seat eating a piece of popcorn. "I wish I could just date someone that gets me like you do."

Date me. My brain screams and my eyes widen trying to figure out if I said that out loud. Kai's facial expression remains the same meaning I didn't say it.

"I think the same thing sometimes." I say without thinking and quickly change the subject. "Let's watch the movie."

He's chosen Camp Rock like he always does when something is upsetting him. This is his comfort movie and at this point I can quote it without the sound on.

When the popcorn is finished Kai leans against my shoulder sending my heart into a frenzy. I need to get my emotions in check before I ruin the best friendship I've ever had. Lately it's been more uncontrollable. Seeing him running around in his football gear all the time only makes it worse.

"You should find a girlfriend so we can hang out as a group." Kai says leaning against the other side of the couch.

I don't know how to respond to that. I haven't told him I'm gay and I'm scared that he might not want to hang out with me afterwards. Kai is not homophobic but I think he'd be a little uneasy because we're so close.

"I need to tell you something." I say before I can chicken out. This is important and I'm ready for my best friend to know even if I'm scared.

His eyes widen under his shaggy hair cut and his eyebrows come together like he's thinking hard about what I might tell him. Whatever he's thinking can't be close to this.

"Okay, you can tell me anything, Tae." He reaches out to touch my shoulder as he speaks.

"I'm gay." I close my eyes taking a deep breath.

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders but my heart also feels constricted not knowing how he'll react.

"Taehyun..." he trails off and my eyes open in worry. "I'm so proud of you for telling me. I'm sorry I just said something about you getting a girlfriend, I didn't know. I love you."

He pulls me into a hug and his words are ringing through my ears. I hug him back burying my head into his shoulder.

"I love you too." I reply when he's let go.

"Do you like anyone?" He asks a little while later after I've told him he's the first person I've told.

Yes, only the most beautiful man in the world. I can't say that out loud. He's in a relationship and as far as I know he's not even a little gay. I try not to fantasize too much because all it does is hurt me. There is a very slim chance that I'll ever get what I want and that's something I need to live with.

"At our school? No one has really caught my eye." I lie and wonder if my eyes are shinning as much as I feel like they are.

Every day it gets harder to not lean forward and just kiss him. I just want to know how it feels. Though, if I get a taste I'm sure I'd just want more for the rest of time. Life would be easier if everyone was gayer.

"Sureee," Kai teases wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "What about that Beomgyu guy in your music class?"

Beomgyu is an attractive man but he can't captivate me in the same way Kai does. The way Kai pointlessly lies and is rarely seen without a plushie within a ten foot radius. It's how he can be a football star one moment and a soft boy that will cuddle his stuffed rabbit watching Camp Rock the next. He's been my best friend for so long. I can't imagine having to tell anyone all my childhood memories. Kai experienced them with me and knows me better than anyone.

"He's cute but not really my type." I say hoping for a reason to escape before he asks me my type. Lying to Kai isn't my strong suit. He sees right through me and usually doesn't let it go.

My phone rings and I see a photo of my mother and I breathe a sigh of relief. I quickly answer and my mother asks if I've finished all my homework because she found an English worksheet. I decide to use that as my escape even though that assignment isn't due for another few days.

"My mom wants me to do homework." I say getting up from my seat. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I run out before he can say another word and I feel so awkward. How did I tell him that? I wasn't prepared at all but I'm tired of people assuming I want a girlfriend. Heteronormativity is so strange to my flaming homosexual ass.

My mom watches me finish my worksheet before letting me go to bed. I stay up longer than I should writing a song about what I'm feeling. No one will ever hear it but getting the words out makes me feel better.

Around 11 Kai holds up a sign to the window like we used to do when we were little. Before we got cellphones on our thirteenth birthdays this is how we communicated. I find a notebook so I can respond to his 'Are you okay?'

He's not wearing a shirt and though it's nothing I haven't already seen there are butterflies in my stomach. I grab a sharpie and write 'Yes. Just going to go to sleep.'

I hold it up for a moment before stepping back to close my white curtain. A memory floods my mind and I can't shake it so it becomes part of the song.

Two years ago Kai and I were having a sleepover in the clubhouse and things took a turn. This was obviously before I came out and at that point I wasn't entirely sure of my sexuality. I knew I like boys and I thought I like girls but after deep consideration and trying to be with girls I realized that's not for me.

It was well past two a.m. when Kai scooted closer to me on the bed that is lofted above the main hangout area. Without a word he tilted my chin up and pressed his lips against mine. For several minutes we kissed holding each other closely and then he turned around. He fell asleep and neither of us mentioned it. I can't help but think about that when my feelings for him grow each day.

He's been my best friend for so long it's like we belong together. Kai has a smile that could light up this whole town but I haven't seen as much since he's been with her. She fights him on everything from what he wears to who he spends time with.

Tomorrow is Friday meaning one more week until homecoming. Of course, I'll have to play at the game but without a date I'm not going to show up. Kai talks about wanting me at more school events with him but I just don't feel right about it. Especially not with Cynthia giving me weird looks every ten seconds. It's like she wants me to be jealous and I am but that's a weird thing to do to someone's best friend. Especially when they have no solid evidence that I'm actually not straight.

I decide sleeping is my best option. Maybe if I'm well rested I'll be able to deal with school.

The next week is a mess of perfecting songs for pep rallies and barely talking to Kai because he's so busy with football and trying to deal with his relationship.

On Thursday night he taps a note to his window. 'Movie sleepover @ 8?' I think about ghosting him but we live right next door to each other. If I don't answer he'll come over here.

It's odd that he wants a sleepover since we haven't had one in months. The fact that it's the day before game day makes it even weirder. Maybe he just had a really bad day. Beomgyu told me he heard from his friend on the football team that Cynthia wouldn't answer his calls last nights. Her snapchat location said she was at the co-captains house. I'm not going to mention it unless he says something.

'I'll bring the ice cream' I write taping it to my window because I can't see if he's in his room right now. He's probably eating dinner.

I sit down at my desk to do some homework. I push a few papers aside that I'd rip from my notebook and see 'I love you as more' written in large letters. Before summer I wanted to tell him but ended up chickening out because he left the window before I could show him. I fold the paper and hide it in my desk drawer.

After finishing my homework and eating dinner I contemplate what ice cream to bring. My usually stash hidden in the outside freezer is running low. Maybe I'll go to the store and get some of our favorites.

I tell my mom I'm going to spend the night in the clubhouse and she offers to buy snacks and ice cream for us. I gladly accept promising to do the dishes tomorrow in return.

Kai's is the only place she would let me stay over on a school night. It's right next door so I can just come home in the morning to get ready. If she needs me I'm just across the yard really it's a win that we became best friends.

It's nearly 8 when my mom returns. I'm wearing the matching pajama set she got me and Kai for Christmas last year. She looks happy that I'm wearing it and hands me the bags.

"Don't be late to school!" She yells as I walk out of the door.

I roll my eyes knowing I won't be late tomorrow. Knowing Kai we will be asleep before twelve especially since he has a game. He takes his sports very seriously.

"I brought snacks!" I say as I walk into the clubhouse without knocking.

Kai is lying across the couch staring up at the ceiling with a blank expression. He's wearing the same pajamas as me but his are a little too small. Kai has bulked up a lot this year from practicing so much.

He sits up reaching for the bags before he says anything to me. The ice cream is in his hands when he finally greets me and I can tell he hasn't had a good day.

"I'm sorry we haven't been hanging out. Life's been stressful lately." Kai says stabbing his spoon into the ice cream with a sincere look.

"I understand. Girls and sports..." I trail off trying not to sound sarcastic but knowing I've failed.

"Cynthia has been really bugging me lately. It's like she doesn't trust me at all."

I contemplated whether I want to give him good advice or just tell him it'll be okay. I decide to be a good friend as I shove my hand into the Dorito bag sitting between us.

"If my partner didn't trust me to do simple things I would take that as a red flag." I shuffle in my seat thinking of what to say next. I rest my chin on my hand. "This is high school and this relationship isn't made to last and we both know it. I've been reluctant to tell you this because it seemed like she made you happy but..."

"What is it Tae? You can tell me anything." Kai says when he sees my hesitation.

"Your girlfriend," the word tastes like sour milk in my mouth. "has repeatedly told me to stay away from you because she thinks I'm gay. I've also heard she doesn't want me around because she thinks I'll ruin your popularity."

"Are you serious?" He asks putting the ice cream aside and staring into my eyes.

"I wouldn't lie about this." I say softly my tummy turning with anxiety.

"Taehyun, I'm so sorry she treated you that way. I would've had a conversation with her a long time ago if I knew. Is that why you declined hanging out with us?"

I nod my head and he sets the bags on the floor so he can reach over and hug me. He smells like the floral shampoo his older sister uses and his arms are right around me.

A moment later he sits back putting the ice cream in the mini fridge/freezer combo by the couch. Something catches his eye and suddenly there is two bottles of soju in his hand. He raises an eyebrow daring me.

"Kai, you have a game tomorrow." I say and he juts his lower lip out creating the cutest pout.

"A little soju never hurt. We'll watch Tangled and use our drinking game. Or we could just sit here. I feel like I need to catch up with you."

We decide to talk and drink rather than watch a movie. The snacks sit between us as I update him on what I've been doing this week. I've the next few hours we each finish a bottle than another half before we call it quits.

"Do you remember that time we kissed?" Kai asks when we've made it to the bed lofted above the main area.

It's dark and I can't see his expression. Even my intoxicated brain starts screaming because we don't talk about that. This is really the first time he's ever mentioned it.

"Of course I do. I was under the impression you didn't want to remember it." I say wondering where this is going.

I should turn around and go to sleep before we do something stupid. We are both intoxicated and I don't want to do anything he might regret tomorrow. I'm too intrigued to turn around. I need to know where this is going even it breaks my heart.

"Honestly it was one of the best kisses I've ever had. I tried kissing more boys after you but it was never quite the same."

My heart flutters and my brain is screaming not knowing what to do with this information. He's kissed more boys than just me? Kai thinks he likes boys. This is news to me and I can't understand why he's saying this now. We've drank together before and nothing like this conversation has ever left our lips.

"Why are bringing this up now?" I decide to ask after a few moments of silence.

The tension in the air is thick enough to cut and my chest is starting to hurt. I've imagined this moment so many ways and hoped that some day he'd confess feelings for me. I never thought I actually hear him say I'm the best kiss he's ever had.

"I've been thinking about you in a different light lately. Hearing what Cynthia said about you made me realize I shouldn't hide anymore."

Hide what? Does he have feelings for me? Does he want to kiss me again? I'm about to ask him when I hear a faint snore. He's fallen asleep and I wonder if he'll remember this tomorrow. It seems unlikely and I make a mental note to get up before he wakes up.

In the morning my head is aching and my stomach feels like I might throw up at any moment. Kai is still asleep next to me with his cheek pressed against the pillow. His mouth is open and a little trail of drool is pooling on his pillow.

Quietly I make my way out of the clubhouse and back home. Kai's words from last night are running through my mind and I wonder if he was being honest. I drink three bottles of water before taking a shower to wash off that drunk smell. The last thing I need is to get suspended or called to the office today.

It's homecoming night and I'm not planning on going to the dance because the one person I want to go with is still with someone else. I almost hope he doesn't remember his words so we don't have to have an awkward conversation.

"Did you have fun with Kai last night?" My older brother teases as I walk through the hallway.

I roll my eyes ignoring his attempt to get a rise from me. Instead I make toast knowing I don't have enough time for anything else. My phone dings as I'm leaving my house.

It's a message from Kai.

Hyuka: Why'd you leave before I woke up? 🥺Did I say something last night? It's kind of a blur 😣

He doesn't remember. A part of my heart sinks knowing that if I want a confession I'll have to tell him what he said. Time to swear off alcohol so something like this doesn't happen again.

Me: its nothing...I'll see you later maybe

I can't force myself to sound normal and I hate it. How am I supposed to react to this? My best friend said he really liked kissing me. I've had a crush on him for ages and think we would be perfect together. Of course I'm a little freaked out.

For most of the day I successfully avoid him until he corners me in the empty band room after pregame rehearsal. Everyone has left to get dinner leaving us alone.

"Why are you avoiding me?" Kai asks his eyes wide tinted with sadness. "I've had a horrible day and I wanted to talk to my best friend earlier but you just ran away."

He stands in front of me arms crossed over his chest. What else happened today? All I've been thinking of is his lips and how I wish I could kiss them whenever I wanted.

"We always promise not to lie or withhold information from each other..." I trail off debating whether I should continue. "but last night you dropped a pretty big bomb on me."

"What did I tell you?" His eyes are wide and he won't meet my eye contact. Kai's cheeks are flushed and I can tell he's hoping I don't say what he told me last night.

"You told me our kiss was one of the best you've ever had and that you've tried kissing more boys but it wasn't the same. You also said you've been seeing me in a different light but you fell asleep before I could ask about that."

I try to remain calm but his face is getting redder by the second. He hides his face in his hands and runs way before I can say another word. I let him go knowing that when he's ready he'll let me know. If he doesn't I'll come to him. I don't like being in this limbo.

After dinner I'm back at school waiting for the game to start. I'm in the bleachers warming up my instrument. Kai hasn't come on the field yet but there is still a few minutes until the tip-off.

At the last moment he appears looking confused. He quickly seems to get his head in the game, but during the second half he isn't his usual self. We still win the game but Kai has to be taken out because he can't focus.

Once the game ends I rush home so no one can drag me to the dance. The last thing I need is to be around a bunch of hormonal teens twerking and trying to end the night fucking in the back of a limo.

I'm trying to focus on my homework but I can't. All I want is to have answers. So I do the most cliched and ridiculous thing I can think of. I grab my love declaration from my desk. I get dressed in my nicest clothes and shove the note inside the pocket.

I run to homecoming only stopping when I get inside and see Kai standing with his friends. His face is sad and I just want to make him smile. Kai's eyes sweep the room and land on me. A smile breaks across his face and he pushes his friends aside to walk towards me.

In the middle of the dance floor we each reach into our pockets and pull out a folded piece of paper. He unfolds his first and I see 'i love you (in a gay way)' written on his paper. The paper looks like it'd been folded and unfolded many times and I wonder how long he's had this.

He gasps when I unfold my paper taking the step forward to wrap his arms around me. He's pulled away from me by a well manicured hand. I look up to see Cynthia in a fire truck red dress that comes to her mid thigh.

"Babe, what are you doing?" She says trying to look sweet and innocent.

I don't think she's doing a very good job. One could compare her to the wickedness of Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Making myself happy. You were kissing my teammate a few days ago and bullying my best friend. I'm not your boyfriend. I'm his."

My heart is threatening to dance out of my chest hearing the words I've been waiting years to hear. She looks disgusted and storms off towards her group of friends.

"So you want to be my boyfriend?" I ask as he cups my face in his hands.

"Of course I do silly." He says leaning down to press his lips against mine in the middle of the dance like no one is watching.

#fanfiction #txt fanfiction #txt fanfic #tyunning #kang taehyun x Huening kai #taehyun x kai #taehyun #Huening kai #fluffy #fluff #high school au #very cute and wholesome #Taylor Swift inspired

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thehighpriestexx420 · 1 year ago

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For Trans Awareness Week: My experience/timeline of my gender & sexuality

(from straight cis girl, bisexual cis girl, pansexual trans man, to pansexual nonbinary transmasculine)

In middle school, when I was 11/12. I realized I was bisexual during this time and still thought I was a cis girl. Who just happened to be ok with the thought of getting a sex change if their crush turned out to be gay 🤷‍♂️

I realized I was bisexual (I had romantic experiences with girls before) when I thought a girl's eyes were pretty & developed somewhat of a crush. I printed out the bisexual flag and accidentally left a copy. My mom found it & questioned me. I casually told her that I was bisexual and was confused by her resistance and doubt to the idea. What was wrong with liking girls? I didn't see anything wrong with it.

She laid out alot of the cliches. "How do you know you like girls, are you sure?" ("I know I like them just like how I know I like guys", I told her 🙄) "It was just that Tila Tequila show that made you think that." "You're too young to know that."

When I was 14, I realized I was a trans guy! I came to the conclusion that girls didn't "want to be guys". Wanting to be a "guy" in my eyes meant being recognized by society as one, my interpersonal dynamics regarding me as one, & physically wanting a typical amab body (flat chest, deep voice, penis, etc.) I was in my early 20s in this picture.

I still liked feminine fashion and makeup. I figured I was like Jeffree Star in that aspect. But at that time I couldn't wear clothes that weren't masculine because I'd get mistaken for being a girl. Society and those around me trying to box me into this limiting expression and characterization of myself felt alienating, isolating, & lonely.

My dysphoria mostly came from other's perceptions of me - rather than what I would've thought about myself if society didn't put a gender label on every fucking thing. I would've still longed for the body parts I wanted but I don't think the depression and discomfort would've been half as bad.

Consequently, my body made me uncomfortable. I had the parts that people told me I had because I was a woman. There was a direct association.

The term "pansexual" started becoming more well-known and I vibed with the interpretation of "you're attracted to people regardless of gender/your attraction to people doesn't feel different based on gender" so I slapped that label on to me.

This is me at 28, just last year! I started giving fuck all (similar to the expression of my middle finger) to others' perceptions of me. If I like holographic clothes and fishnets with rhinestones, and you don't like that, well then I'm sorry I have better fashion sense than you 🤷‍♂️💅

I took testosterone for about 5 years at this point so the contrast of masculine & feminine features were like a bow on top of the gift that is me 😎

At this point, instead of just wanting the bumps in my tshirts to be gone regardless of any asthetic consequences (nipples not looking good due to the particular surgeon, etc.), I'd actually want to switch between having a flat chest and having boobies whenever I wanted to. Boobies are fun on me & others, what can I say.

& here's one of my most recent selfies! A couple years ago I came to the conclusion that above all else, I just feel like a person. If I had a gender I'd be a guy so I do still somewhat vibe with the sentiment. But I'm so much more than that. The label that currently fits me best is "gender non-conforming/ non-binary transmasculine". Regardless of whatever label someone may use, I welcome their attraction to me & validate it. If you're a lesbian and you happen to like my features while acknowledging that I'm not a woman & treating me as such, then your feelings are valid & don't invalidate my own identity.

My journey hasn't been easy for several reasons - not just due to my sexuality and gender. My mother & step dad didn't believe me when I came out as trans. Before I came out, and wanted to do things like get a shorter haircut, my mom would say things like "I won't have a dyke for a daughter." And then proceed to say "you know I didn't mean it like that."

One of the more overt instances of transphobia was when her bf randomly shouted "you're a girl!" to me.

A more covert form was when my mom & grandma would "compromise" on my name change. My birth name started with a "K" so I changed it to a more masc version also starting with a "K". They weren't used to my new name and my mom expressed feelings of resentment because she was the one who named me. So the "compromise" was just calling me "K"....a feminine ass sounding name. I asked them to stop and even stopped responding to the name. I eventually changed my name to "Colton" just so they didn't have an excuse to call me K anymore.

There were other instances of abuse and mental health emergencies that I won't go into detail about. I was recently asked what my proudest accomplishment was and I told them that it was not only making it this far but also being able to support myself. I've experienced homelessness so that adds on to what I've overcome.

But now, I'm at a place I couldn't fathom. Things aren't perfect but I have the tools, the want, the belief, and the will to make things better every day. I believe my life story is meant to serve as an example of hope. I've been destroyed & broke down to my atoms so I was forced to rebuild myself stronger and more in alignment with my true self. I have this wisdom to offer and I welcome requests for spiritual guidance.

The High Priestexx Tarot + Reiki Services is a buisness I've founded. It's success & ability to change people's lives for the better is also something I'm profoundly proud of. When you follow my blog & reblog my pinned post, you get a free one question tarot reading & free reiki healing session!

One way of celebrating Trans Awareness Week is by celebrating yourself with this free service & by celebrating me & my journey by increasing my visibility!

So that was my specific experience with my gender & sexuality! I hope that can broaden your mind as to what individual experiences can look like & help you feel less alone. Sending everyone much peace, love, & support! ✌️💖

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lemmilemura · 2 years ago

Text

Watching OOUIL

HEAVY SPOILER WARNING FOR LITERALLY THE ENTIRE SHOW I wrote down anytime I had important/sudden thoughts about stuff. Little warning, there is quite a lot of times I just simp over Simon, but what's new? There will be timestamps so you can go and look what happened to cause that reaction. Also since I was watching in one sitting and it was already past midnight and I was recovering from fever and tired and all that good stuff, towards the end and the last few episodes I didn't write down much. That is also the reason for the many, many typos xD I apologize

Episode 1

00:10 > literally just hearing Simon’s voice is already doing smth to me xD

00:22 > Simon honey I love you but that jacket was a CHOICE

00:50 > not the “I ship it” comment qwq

01:09 > god bronwyn's parents suck

01:26 > I only have my headphones on one ear and like Simon keeps talking and I never want him to stop xD

01:31 > Ah yes, the classic “ew our parents are kissing” teenager trope. just suck it up, Maeve

01:42 > i know, i know, i'm just being nitpicky, but Bronwyn’s phone says she had headphones connected? no she doesn’t

01:52 > if you ever see me smiling that wide while running, please assume I’ve been possessed, I probably have

02:02 > oh my god i can FEEL the sand in Copper’s shoes qwq

02:12 > Wildcats? isn't that like also a meme? like “What team? Wildcats!” idk I’ve only seen it a handful of times

02:46 > even if i hadnt read the book/had no idea what happens I’d still 100% know Cooper’s dad is gonna be an ass

03:21 > Addy is like, so naturally pretty qwq Girlie you don’t have to do all of this qwq I just wanna give her a hug man. And a gun so she can get rid of Jake. I’d help her hide the body too. Sorry, got a lil too into it there xD

03:28 > her outfit is soooo pretty tho I mean c’mon

03:44 > A bad love story? Like a… BAD ROMANCE?

03:47 > “Varsity skank squad” Damn Simon! Really going in on Addy, huh?

03:56 > the “well, you know” should NOT have affected me as much as it did xD

04:08 > Addy, remember that gun I talked about? Yeah, use it on your mom too while you’re at it

04:18 > god Jake is ugly. I’l sorry to any fans of his actor but damn. it really do be the basic white bois huh?

04:23 > you can see how uncomfy Addy is qwq

04:41 > “we’ll be quick” we get it, jake, you don’t last long

05:07 > TJ looks wise? no thanks. TJ being a dumbass? bonus points

05:10 > why does that chick look almost identical to Addy?

05:22 > Everyone wants to fuck a bad boy? Honey I want you. I mean if Simon isn’t a bad boy then what is he?

05:29 > “I’ve got so much dirt his probation officer is gonna bury him in it”? Simoooon, look at you with the metaphores

05:44 > Run bitch, ruuuuun! Or alternatively, “I’m fast as fuck boie!”

06:12 > God how I wish I was Janae right now……

06:17 > My god that shirt has a vneck… don’t be shy, take off the tshirt underneath…

06:39 > Lesbians?? In my tv show?? Fuuuck yeeeah!

06:45 > oh my god he’s wearing an earring… Quick, what’s the gay earring rule again? “Right ear means gay, eft means not gay but expressing feminine side” You heard it here first, folks, Simon is a secret Femboy xD

06:46 > these slowmo shottssssss I am living

07:16 > Simon, honey, that is such a bad idea to just have AboutThat open to anyone who flips open your laptop! C’mon, I thought you were smarter than this

07:21 > I would be looking at him the exact same way, Janae.

07:27 > The smirk,??????? HELLO?????

07:42 > I’ve said it a lot and i will 100% say it again, but DAMN Simon is just so pretty qwq Perfect actor choice 10/10

07:44 > “She can’t prove it’s me” This school probably has security cameras, yes she’d know it’s you. But then again, if the school did have cameras, they’d have solved the mystery waaaay quicker.

07:49 > I am never going to emotionally recover from this

08:19 > he literally has “cold blue eyes” like in the book and that’s what made me immediately fall for him in the first place!!!!

08:23 > What the fuuuuuuuck :0

08:39 > “There is is… that damn smile”

08:45 > Love that she wrote Avengers but from what I can see they’re all DC. Great job, teach

09:17 > Just noticed Bronwyn’s necklace and damn is it ugly

10:02 > Bronwyn never did make it to Debate…

10:16 > no but why is that kinda cute? the way he’s tilting his body like a kid qwq

10:19 > :0 this is where the book starts!! THE COLD BLUE EYESSSSS

10:32 > Is Simon…. shorter than Bronwyn? Or is it just her shoes?? omg is he shmol qwq

11:02 > The way hes sitting, twiddling his fingers, I just, I’m dying

11:05 > then again, there’s probably a lot going through his head, isn’t there?

11:16 > Bronwyn please just stfu. Avery will not believe you. I know, cuz I’ve read the book

11:27 > Isn’t Bronwyn supposed to be the smart kid? Cuz that wasn’t that smart

11:40 > I love his personalityyyyy so sassy

12:25 > he knew she’d say that… he knew…

12:33 > You can see it on his face qwq I hate this qwq

12:49 > Eggs instead of a carcrash? Weird choice but ok

13:17 > I mean he probably doesn’t have one so xD

13:18 > Nooooooo, he drank iiiitttt qwq

13:31 > It’s taking this long? How? Shouldn’t it happen immediately? Or is that cuz of the amount of water?

13:56 > Nooooooooooooooo qwq I can’t watch this, I’m just gonna start crying qwq

15:48 > I skipped ahead, I couldn’t watch that qwq Reading it is way easier than seeing it

15:54 > my god jake looks ridiculous xD

16:06 > Looked like he was dead? Honey he is!

16:27 > Keely is so pretty qwq

16:56 > They could 100% pass for a straight couple it’s wild

17:07 > Florence and the machine? Like FFXV Florence and the machine? :0000

17:17 > pffffff

17:41 > Bruh does she look okay? She just witnessed her classmate dying! She probably isn’t!

18:09 > He also has an earring?? dafuq

18:53 > Yeah it was!! Wait til you find out the backstory to it

19:00 > his side profile xDDD

19:15 > you can see the tension between hem, god damn

19:32 > Simon’s baaaaaag :0

20:28 > is he getting suspicious??

20:47 > how does her mother know? she a doctor or smth?

21:01 > god that “Bayview High School” could not look any faker xD

21:11 > Janaaaeeee qwq she needs a hug just as much as I do rn qwq

21:24 > The deathstareeeeeee :0 Janae

21:31 > Reading the book I never cared much for Janae, but actually seeing her so fucking sad and close to tears? It’s hitting

22:10 > QWQ I AM GOING TO CRY

23:32 > “Trauma bonding with Nate” I don’t even know this person’s name but I like their humor xD

26:41 > There is no way in hell they both look at eachother at the same time! That’s bull!

28:05 > That’s just creepy, man

28:40 > Sheetmusic? She plays an instrument besides piano? Huh

30:06 > Across the street you say?

30:24 > Okay, that was funny xD

31:13 > Nonnyyy, the icoonnn

31:49 > She iss!!

33:22 > STANLEYYYYYYY :DDDDD

33:38 > stanley is sooo judging him rn xD

33:44 > I forgot Stanley is his pfp xD

34:21 > she legit looks about 10 years older than him…

34:45 > Nuuuuuu Naaate :0

37:17 > Simon knows everything, Addy. Also TJ is such a sweetheart

39:31 > Ok, so, we watched the first 2 episodes in class a year ago and I fucking hate this part I get so much secondhand embarrassment so I’m sorry Janae but I’m gonna skip ahead

42:21 > Nooo, c’mon Nate! Don’t do this!

43:14 > oooooooooooh?

43:27 > Wait, so if Jake is in the pool he can’t have posted it, so it must have been Janae? If she had to write that my god poor girl qwq

44:43 > how tf did anyone get into the trunk? did she leave it unlocked? C’mon Bronwyn!

Total note count for episode 1: 96

Episode 2

00:37 > his hair is even more of a mess than usual xD

00:44 > Wait is this a flashback to when she cheated :000

00:49 > re really doesn’t

01:02 > please don’t fuck outside on the grass

01:07 > now THAT, is a view I really do not mind ;))))

01:5? > hair police? yours is literally the most basic hair ever, you have no right to talk

03:34 > shweeties

04:19 > is that a food truck right outside their school????

05:09 > yeowch

05:38 > the idea of Simon running a podcast, exposing ppl is actually a really fun concept xD

06:20 > not the contact name being “Asshole” xDDDD

06:55 > :00000000000000 Daaaaaaaaamn

07:36 > Nuuuu, Keely qwq babyyy

08:05 > i assume the teacher was turned around because that was so obvious addy!

08:20 > Bruh’s got a death note xDD he would be the type tho

08:56 > what was the notebook forrrrrrr Simoooonnn

10:00 > how tf did this random officer know that’s Addy?

11:58 > really? cmon now, thats so shitty xD

12:19 > more like Homiecide xD

13:42 > why tf is this mom reading AboutThat? xD

13:53 > HES THE MAYORS KID? Ooooh he got the moooooneeeeyyyy

15:02 > Addy……. qwq

16:09 > that was faaaaaast, coop xD

18:03 > :000000000000000

18:10 > Nooooooo, Coooooopppp qwq

20:52 > ok thats actuall kinda cute qwq can you imagine lil kid simon?

22:27 > Two late, two phone related detentions… interesting

24:07 > jis house is so prettyyyyy qwq I wanna live there!

24:16 > TINY SIMONNNNN OH MY GOD BABYYYYY QWQWQWQWQWQ

25:16 > Simon’s mom is fiiiiiiine, I see wher he get’s his good looks from xD

15:29 > Janaaaaaeeee qwq

26:26 > Simon in a suuuuiiittttt Lord have mercy!

26:38 > those fucking professionbal, model photographs xDDD

26:53 > How did she know where his room is? It’s a very very nice room tho, if I may

27:12 > wonder what that sign says…. also his bed looks nice! really comfy too :)

27:43 > look at that fucking setup man! daaaaaamn

27:50 > why is there fucking steps at the door??? xD

28:55 > can I just emphasize the fact his room looks so nice??

29:54 > yeeeeep he def got his looks from his mom, his dad is uglyy xD

30:11 > it would not, actually. not at all

31:25 > i dont think thats the best conversation starter, Maeve xD

32:08 > he did not go to hell! >:0

32:50 > A DRUMSET? AND A GUITAR????? HELLO WHERE IS THAT CONTENT?????

33:32 > Bronwyn can you stfuuuuuu you’re only making this worse

33:47 > atleast hes honest xD

35:07 > this house is so pretty qwq i am so jealous qwq

35:44 > “the incredible hair” pffff

37:56 > A, and I cannot stress this enough, WOOGA

38:59 > I’m gonna fucking scream he looks so goooooododdddd my lord i will not survive

41:22 > I am still not over that giant fucking picture of SImon in the background xD

42:46 > Girl the only thng you did was cheat ona fucking test it’s not the end of the wrld!

46:48 > since when are full names used? wasnt it just initials in the book? now this is just evil, initials multiple ppl can have, but full names? C'mon dude!

47:25 > MAEVE??????? WhAT THE FUCK???

Total note count for episode 2: 53

Episode 3

00:17 > Keelyyyyy babyyy I love her qwq

00:47 > shes such a shweety qwq

00:59 > another PERFECT OUTFIT 10/10 MY GOD

01:04 > I don’t even know what to say at this point

01:38 > he diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid :)

02:14 > no you fucking dont!

02:55 > Addy is entering her girlboss ear and I love that for her

03:33 > bruh please just use a hairbrush xD

05:20 > its goin down!! hands are being thrown!!

06:39 > addy needs a hug qwq

07:42 > :0 escandalo!

09:10 > they kinda look like siblings wait i love it qwq

11:42 > the laptooooppppp :0

14:51 > okay Janae’s outfits are also really nice, i get why they were bffs xD

16:08 > :00000000000 MAEVEEEEEEEEE OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD

17:13 > why do literalyl all the parents in this suck?

17:39 > Addyyy what are you doing?

17:53 > Addy! No!

19:21 > TJ looks like a kicked puppy qwq

21:14 > you didnt say it but your face sure did

22:26 > and another perfect outfit!

22:29 > he just keeps getting finer, huh?

22:47 > Daaaamn Simoooooon! :0

22:56 > he looks so ethereal, like an angel or god of some sort :0

23:15 > omg Simon is shmol qwq shmol bean

23:33 > the rings, the bracelets, the necklaces, LORD HAVE MERCY PLEASE

24:20 > NOT NATE :00000 NOOOOOO

29:17 > i love that Addy is dressing for herself now qwq

30:26 > Nooo, Coooperrrr qwq

31:18 > i know that was meant to be all angsty and stuff but it just looked so weird xD

33:56 > Awwwww, Janaaeee qwq

36:13 > WHAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK :000 I mean same, but still, I was NOT expecting that

36:53 > :0000000000000000000 my exact face rn

37:39 > oh yes we are bronwyn!

38:19 > DONT DO IT COOPER PLEASE QWQ

40:45 > There he is again, in that amazing outfit!

41:05 > his faaaaaaaaace oh my god cooper you have a death wish or something?

42:36 > out of all the 4 stories, bronwyns is the most boring to me xD

45:21 > “straight cosplay” pffffff

Total note count for episode 3: 39

Episode 4

00:31 > his outfits never miss! they’re always so good qwq

00:41 > I love that he’S smaller than atleast 3 of the 4 others xD

01:47 > STANLEY! :D

03:20 > Janae with her hair down tho??????

13:33 > Stanley’s just listening in to all the drama xD

22:30 > how about Addy and Janae just get together? I would not complain xD

24:54 > “actual lizard” pffffff

26:13 > IT WAS JANAE???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO QWQ

39:22 > Mf looks like a goddamn cryptid xD

41:32 > oh my god hes PISSED you can see it in his faceeee

44:19 > Maaaaaaaaaeve what are you doing????

44:50 > Its momther!

Total note count for epsiode 4: 12

Episode 5

02:00 > if I was sitting in Bronwyns spot I would not be able to focus at all xD

03:20 > Yes addy!!!! Looking good! rocking the short hair!

06:36 > where tf?

13:43 > wtf Cooper???

18:28 > Bronwyn can you not be an asshole for one episode please?

19:02 > MAEVE WAS WHAT???? TO SIMON??? IM SORRY????

21:29 > Bronwyyyyyyyyyyyn whyyyyyyyy oh my god!

23:52 > they look like such lesbians and I am living for it

33:11 > and ANOTHER perfect fit from Simon, god damn!

39:52 > Please don’t leave Stan behind qwq

Total note count for episode 5: 10

Episode 6

01:07 > janaeeeeeeee that loooook I love itttt

4:31 > “then one summer he got abs” pfffff

04:52 > Janae gave him the idea?????

16:35 > Members of Simon’s what????

21:33 > Awwwww, wait, that’s so cute qwq I knew Janae couldn’t be straight when she dresses like that xD

22:03 > Their dynamic is just chefs kiss xD

22:26 > You can make a move on my anyday xD

33:10 > :0000000000000 NOW THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I EXPECTED TO SEE BUT I AM VERY MUCH WELCOMING IT

36:14 > why are they fucking burning the epi-pen?

37:16 > thats wierdly sweet qwq

37:29 > I know I’m just repeating myself at this point but Simon really does have the best outfits

37:48 > Ayooo? AYO???

38:37 > What if Janae, Maeve and Simon just get in a poly relationship? Problem solved xD

38:51 > His humourrrrr

40:00 > LESBIAAAAAAAAAAAAANSSSSSSSSSSS

40:25 > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK YEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHH

Total note count for episode 6: 16

Episode 7

09:08 > The lighting in all of these flashback Simon scenes is just so good qwq

30:32 > i would also 100% be zooming in on that xD

31:43 > that’s boat racism xD

31:47 > again, his humourrrrr top tier

Total note count for episode 7: 4

Episode 8

00:17 > I don’t want it to be over yet qwq I want more Simon qwq

03:06 > that is such a simple signature are you kidding me?

11:29 > I seriously need to calm down xD I can’t keep reacting like this any time SImon is on screen xD

11:41 > THE LIGHTING AND WINDOWS AND FRAMING AND OMG

12:08 > pfff the sheer “what the fuck” on his face xD

15:30 > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH one day I will just die because Simon keeps looking that good!!!!

16:40 > do I even have to say anything anymore? like at all?

17:19 > “the magic words”? are you for real xD

25:39 > so him having a lizard is a reason you like him?

27:48 > lookatem with his fucking headset xD you know he streams and just annihilates little kids on vc xD

28:16 > wait so… Simon… didnt even want to kill himself? so really Jake is the reason this all happened…

41:30 > WHAT THE FUCK IS GOJNG ON?????

42:28 > So Jake… killed… Simon? Jake is the reason he’s dead, Simon didn’t want to kill himself Jake killed him! Holy fuck this is different than the book…

42:52 > God Janae looks TERRIFYING

43:24 > YEEEEEES JANAEEEEEEEEE KILL HIIIMMMMMMMMMM GET REVENGEEEEE

44:11 > I’m not even remotely sad about this. I’m happy, really

44:21 > I still cannot believe that JAKE is the reason… welp, I know what headcanons I’m making next

44:29 > …

44:42 > YES AND HE SHOULD HAVE

45:05 > I AM ACTUALLY CRYING STOP HE LOOKS SO TERRIFIED NO

45:35 > now you will cuz YOURE OTH FUCKING DEAD

50:58 > Now what if Simon actually didn’t die? Like imagine that, Jake’s plan all going to waste!

Total note count for episode 8: 25

Total note count: 255

Welp, there you have it xD I put them all together because posting one post for every episode or a pair of episodes, eventhough I'd have to split episode 1 in half, would just be too many notifications xD

So here you go, I hope you enjoy my thoughts while watching OOUIL. :D

#oouil #oouil tv show #one of us is lying #first thoughts #first time #first watch

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lestbian · 3 months ago

Note

1, 3, and 4 for that ask prompt thang ☝️

1 what's the best advice you've ever been given?

any task is easier with a friend. or do it scared

3. what is your favorite way to self care?

well the fun one is retail therapy but that's destructive! healthy one would be. hmmm taking a shower/washing face/brushing teeth genuinely feels so good when it happens like my body feels lighter the sun is shining again everything is possible now

4. tell me about your most vivid memory, good or bad

my brain can't rank memories like that and tbh they only rlly become vivid when i'm reminded of them? like i don't think i can just pull one from the file cabinet directly you need to put in key search terms. except the search engine is extremely shit like tumblrs. but a pretty old memory that sticks out to me is when i found out my dad was homophobic lmfao. under the cut bc its long . obv warning for homophobia but also brief emeto mention

i was sitting in the passenger seat of my moms car and we were driving home from some place, she mentioned that she was glad i was wearing the shirt i was wearing. she loves complaining about me not wearing the things she pays for and she hadn't seen this particular shirt very much. it's a heather gray tshirt from hot topic with the queen symbol (the band) on it. i said oh that reminds me, can we watch the bohemian rhapsody movie? because it had released semi recently. and then my mom said sure but not when your dad's around. and she told me about how he told her that he watched the movie on a plane while on some business trip and that the gay shit made him want to throw up. i had only realized i was gay a year or two before this. i knew my dad was conservative but he never said anything about gay people so i just foolishly hoped that he was neutral or didn't really care, but now i knew for sure. the conversation ended normally and my mom didn't seem to suspect anything. we came home and i remember feeling extremely numb, just completely empty and blank walking up the stairs to my room, until i crashed onto my bed and cried as quietly as i could. the shirt and i are both still in my closet

#mail 💌#well!. lol

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icarianiscariot · 1 year ago

Note

2 7 10 24 27 and 30:

favorite book from middle/high school (preferably one of the dime a dozen dystopian love triangle books that flooded the market after hunger games and fundamentally misunderstood what made hunger games actually so good or something you had to read for school- scratch that- answer both)

LKSDFJLKSDJFKSLDFJ THIS IS SO MANY ILY

2. thoughts on veganism?

while i do believe that the meat industry is fucked, i don't see anything wrong w supporting local farmers/butchers whenever possible instead. i have no issues w vegans, but ultimately my stance is less rooted in "animals are intelligent and eating them is evil" and moreso "capitalism-driven meat industry leads to abuse and pollution on a massive scale and needs to be better regulated"

which is not to say i pass any judgement on vegans who are vegan for the more "sentimental" (?) reason. but i do be a meat eater (haha. gay-) and tbh i'm broke as shit in a small town so i also be buying from walmart so. take this all w a grain of salt i suppose

7. what animal do you look forward to seeing when you visit an aquarium?

SHARKS

10. on a plane, do you ask for apple or orange juice?

....contrary to what u might believe. apple juice. i find it much more refreshing than oj. (also obviously airplanes cannot handle the depth of my oj needs, so best not to open that can of worms, save those poor flight attendants from seeing me at my worst like that)

24. which do you find yourself using, american or british english?

murrrrca all the way! lmao. only exception is gray/grey because i learned "grAy is closer to blAck, grEy is closer to whitE" as a child rather than "grAy is America and grEy is England"

i see random "u"s in words and i scoff upon them /j

27. what’s your favorite or go-to outfit?

i have these big baggy yoga pant things?? like cotton parachute pants? that are super comfy so i wear em whenever i can get away w it. + tshirt + hoodie.

ideally the tshirt is my neon orange koolaid shirt. ideally the hoodie is my black as it is hoodie.

30. ask me anything ! - "favorite book from middle/high school"

specifically of the YA dystopia novels?? hmmm. probably Uglies, if that counts? i'm trying to remember which all i read: hunger games ofc, divergent ofc, that crossed/matched/whatever series (w the girl in the orb on the covers), the uglies series.

actually idk if the maze runner counts but it does show up on lists of ya dystopian novels and i fucked HEAVILY with tmr!! absolutely OBSESSED. still occasionally seek out newtmas content tbh.

send me a number!

#thank you rachel my beloved #answered #weirdly specific asks #geometricalien #rachel

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girlfriendsofthegalaxy · 2 years ago

Text

there's been an uptick in people asking if they can do tuesdayposts too (yes, hi hello yes, my god, please do i want to read them, the format isn't copyrighted or anything) which made me think about how i use the tuesdayposts as an excuse to go looking for weird shit and why i'm so annoyed when something is recommended to me but the rec doesn't give me a good pitch. this grew into a digression about the function of a critic and what i use reviews for. and what like axes of things i find important or what i use various sources for. so it's a separate post now bc there's not a real...point to it, mostly getting my thoughts in order. also it is very long

while i would not wish the title of "culture critic" upon my worst enemy, let's sidestep “oooh all critics/tastemakers/influencers are bullshit”. imo you’re supposed to find one whose taste aligns with yours and THEN use their reviews to find new things. if my taste aligns with yours, cool! if you're just here to see what weird shit i made or pulled out of an estate sale this week, also cool!

i think the most successful discussion of a work is "what is it/what's the pitch, what is it TRYING to do given the context of the time and people who created it, does it accomplish its goals or tell its story in a coherent fashion" and then finally what i think most people get most hung up on is "do I PERSONALLY think this work accomplished its goals or storytelling in a manner i found reasonable/understandable/liked".

i really, really, really hate the style of review that tells me nothing about the work except there's a token gay person in it. i saw zero useful reviews of OFMD before i gave up and watched the first ep myself.

here are some people who fulfill the above useful criteria, i pay attention to, and why their recs work for me: gita jackson, a culture/games critic over at vice knows the difference between a movie being Good and a movie being Fun, and is a queer person under 30 with a film degree so our needs align on several important axes. so i waited to watch the rpatz batman until they wrote an article and they said if it was fun or not.

cyberexboyfriend on instagram and i think mainly tiktok (lots of crossposts) has opinions i agree with about mcmansion architecture, and an eye for the weird late eighties through early oughts fashion and art that fell through the cracks. like the media that fuels the Extremely Online art i generally find annoying, but the source media of edited anime or fantasy movie screencaps on tshirts is generally pretty cool. this fills an important function to me bc i like going "ah! i know where that's from" when i see a hot girl in joanns wearing a shirt from vapor95.

i follow exactly four people on letterboxd and they are the aforementioned critics plus two mutuals bc i already know their general media tastes align with mine. wendy @dying-suffering-french-stalkers is very very good at finding things that have a certain quality of emotion to them. not full horror, not full tragedy, and not full melancholia either, but a catharsis or a putting an era to bed gently and turning the lights out when you're done. honey @birdcfparadise is willing to sit through a lotta goddamn nonsense in order to report back about the good ones and we both have a finely honed taste in the dilfs of the silver screen. where the fuck else am i going to get vital intelligence like this

furthermore these two are the only people i trust about Classic Movie (tm) Opinions. like, they will tell me if a movie that is very much a Product of its Era (tm) is worth sitting through the things that make it very much a Product of its Era (tm). i haunt the letterboxd activity page to see what they've added to their watchlists

i pay more attention to @morrak's book recs and shove them to the front of my list bc we have the same not-quite-engineer-but-enough-to-be-dangerous kind of brain and literally all of his recs have hit, including the ones where i'm like "ough this is very good but i need to come back to it later". i pay more attention to whatever the fuck @believerindaydreams is up to be we both like the same sort of heavily allusive, love letter to pulp kinds of stories.

my point is not "everyone needs to make more friends and if you don't have a richly layered online friend group of nearly a decade in some cases funneling art to you through the medium of tumblr then you're toast" but like. along with critics, friends' recs and things i found while trying to find friends' recs are a huge driver of the tuesdayposts. people fundamentally want to share the cool new shit they've found. that's why we're all here, blogging

#tuesdaypost meta

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1982brucespringsteen · 3 years ago

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malina modern au tiktok edition!!

alina posts mostly about her art. she has a few popular videos like "what contemporary art movement are u according to ur zodiac sign" "what ur fave painting says about you"

she also posts videos showing her outfits!! they're all super cute and artsy and she did a "i wear this on monday wear this on tuesday" video and mal duets it saying "hey that's my tshirt. and my jeans. and my hoodie. and my beanie. this girl is a thief!!!"

mal is surprisingly popular?? he mostly posts badly edited prank videos, gym thrist traps and videos of small animals he finds around, like their neighbour's cat that likes to walk with him to the bus stop, a squirrel that climbed on his shoulder and a crow he had been feeding corn kernels to gifting him a £5 note. he got included in a "hot guys of tiktok" compilation video and didn't shut up abt it for a week straight.

he has an ongoing series called "my flatmate is a cryptid no clickbait" in which he follows alina around exposing her, like that time he woke up in the middle of the night and found her doodling on her tablet while blasting 100 gecks (on her headphones) eating peanut butter straight from the bottle. he has a video that goes "things in my flatmate's room that just make sense. number one: my clothes. number two: my pillows. number three: my food"

*alina pacing around in their living room* "hey alina what's the matter" "i can't find my glasses!" "have u checked the shower?" "why would i check the shower??" "dunno, sometimes we find what we're looking for in the strangest places". the glasses were on top of her head the entire time

they both uploaded a video called "we bleach each other's hair at home" and it was just them cry laughing and screaming at each other for 50 seconds. at the end they showed the results and well. people were horny on main that night

alina gets a comment asking "are you two fucking" and she posts a video response like a youtube apology that goes "*sigh* i didn't want you to find out like this... you see, i'm not dating mal because i'm actually in a monogamous, commited relationship with your mom"

flat tour but it's just mal showing his favourite alina paintings that he has been hanging in different rooms

mal: "lesbians what's your wisdom" nadia: "world hard and cold, tiddy soft and warm" tamar: "be gay do crime" mal: "thank u lesbians"

"our white friend tries asian food" with tamar tolya mal alina and zoya making nikolai taste progresively spicier dishes.

"let's get this straight. to be awarded with the honorific of himbo you MUST be 1) big and strong 2) dumb as fuck 3) into pegging. if you don't like pegging you're NOT a himbo. you're a coward and you owe every woman you know £20. malyen out"

they both duet a video from kaz's acc where he explains how the stock market works and they just. stare at the camera while wii music plays in the background

after they get together jesper uploads a compilation of mal pics with the bi wife energy song

#shadow and bone #malina #modern au #a GIGANTIC kiss to the malina bots discord server i love yall!!!!!!#mine

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lejaybleu · 2 years ago

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so the other day i was at costco. this probably 40-something year old woman comes up to me while i'm waiting for my mom to be done buying glasses, and she's like, "hey, i think you're really pretty." and immediately internally i'm like "OH MY GOD WHAT" because like maybe she's just being nice? but also she has a pixie cut and it felt like she was hitting on me so i was like ??? but i'm 18 this makes no sense. so i just said thank you and kind of smiled at her and told her i liked her shirt (it was a cool shirt, it had butterflies on it). she kinda smiled back and was like "so what do you do? i haven't seen you around here before" and then i was like okay this is a gay woman a gay woman is hitting on me in this costco. but i didn't want to be like rude because she seemed super nice. so i was like "oh yeah i don't have a job at the moment because i'm actually going to school in the fall." and she was like, "oh like grad school?" and i was like "no i'm a rising freshman in college" and IMMEDIATELY the look on her face was like. Oh. Awkward. and then she was like "oh that's so cool! good luck" and then left

but the whole thing was just kinda surreal because like. i don't look that old i feel like the oldest estimate you could make for me is 20. and also it was just this random milf at costco. i think it was because i was wearing a super fucking gay outfit though (overalls tshirt and snapback) which i guess it's comforting to know signaling via clothing still works. anyway yeah that's what happened thanks for reading

#random story #gay shit #blue jay chirps

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middledaughter · 3 years ago

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hiiii lily how r u doing today !! 🤔🤔 hope ur doing well anyway today has been okay :/ smh its my last day of work :// i’m wearing this tight shirt that shows off my tits i feel like catfishing old men. anyway this house doesn’t have an ice machine so i’ve been chopping up ice with a giant knife and i keep thinking i’m gna accidentally stab myself smh

anyway tomorrow i get my hair cut again finally it’s getting too long and i’m not sure if i just want a trim or if i want something cray cray …..idk the lady who does my hair is like 45 and southern and republican and doesn’t know how to do a ALT MULLET WOLF CUT CURTAIN BANG GAY ASS haircut so i just show this random picture of some girl idk. do u have any suggestions

also i still don’t know what the wear 4 the first day of school smh i checked the back to school tag on twitter and it’s either children or the occasional teen who is wearing jeans tshirt and necklaces bc tiktok gentrified gay ass style and now i can’t tell who’s gay or not this is my thirteenth reason smh

i’ve been watching tik toks on instagram all day long except for that one part where i listened to nick grimshaw last show and cried the whole time bc i’m insane anyway sorry for this journal entry ask byeee love u hope ur well <3 anyway xoxoxo

HEYYYYY BETSY !!!! YAY last day of work that's exciting! and yes where is that post that's like 'i'm nicer when i'm wearing a slutty outfit' .. chopping up ice hello god of winter ? and EVEN MORE YAY HAIR CUT TIME! i love getting hair cuts whenever i get one i feel so much more like Me. getting something cray cray would be pretty cray cray ! i think you should get whatever hair cut makes you feel most confident (i'm telling u to get wolf alt mullet alpha hair cut) and YUPPP i've got no clue what to wear for my first classes that are starting soon all the stuff on tik tok is for 14 year olds so. tik toks on instagram that sounds rottastic <3 yeah i just made up that word ! NOT YOU CRYING WHILE LISTENING TO NICK GRIMSHAW JFKDLSF i declare you guys.. bick? netsy? anyways love you hope you're well as WELL!!!! 💗💞💘💖💖‼️💕

#i've had a pretty bad day bc i'm still recovering from the stupid surgery i got BUT this week my uterus decided 2 go kill kill kill on me #so i've spent all day on the couch or in my bed wishing the suffering would end while bingeing tv w my little sister #ALSO i'm at my parents house which is 1000 times worse </3 #i feel like we haven't talked in so long what the heck!#wait does this mean u haven't gotten my asks [sounds of heart cracking]#anyways anyways enough rambling like i said hope you're well as well smooooooch #ask tag #long post #there's a whole essay here jfkdsljfkd #alpha betsy

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hardforbenhardy · 5 years ago

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the perfect gift | benxfem!reader

summary: the first time ben is meeting your parents, and you are nervous. but not as nervous as you are to give ben his present

warnings: intense fluff so prepare yourself coz ben is a d o r a b l e in this

based on two prompts: "that's what your wearing?" and "i tested positive"

word count: 4.5k

thought i'd do a little christmassy themed oneshot considering it was ... yakno... christmas; it’s been in my drafts for a while so there’s no better time than the present (no pun intended😊) i had fun writing this so i hope you have fun reading it! :)

Christmas had always been the same; through the 27 years of your life, you stuck to your traditions. You would always spend the time with your whole family, with the traditional Christmas roast and gift-giving. You loved it; you were extremely close with all your family, and spending time with them was always cherished since it only happened twice a year. However, there was one part that you couldn't stand. The worst part of it all was the fact that every year you were the only adult who was yet to find a relationship. All your siblings, your parents, aunt and uncles, grandma and grandpa, even some of your older cousins; they were all coupled up. You had even tried to convince them one year that you had finally found yourself a man; of course, you had simply bribed your best friend to pretend to be your boyfriend for the one day. He, however, was not as good of an actor as you thought he would be - caving in after only 3 hours in the household by accidentally spilling that he was in fact gay.

Though, this year you didn't have to pretend; you had finally found a man who you truly loved. He was the spitting image of what you considered perfection and you were sure he was the one. You and Ben had taken your relationship quite quickly, you had only been together for 10 months and yet you had already moved into a house together and adopted a small puppy. Though, you didn't see it as a particularly bad thing; you knew for certain that he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, the man you wanted to start a family with, grow old with. And you were also pretty certain that you were that woman for him; I mean, that's what he told you every single day. Every morning as you sat around the table to eat your breakfast; every lunch time when you'd facetime him from the office; every evening when you were snuggling in bed and he just had to mention it, which of course often led to more. You were absolutely hooked onto him, like a baby to a bottle; you simply couldn't resist him. So showing him off to your family was assuredly what you were most looking forward to this Christmas. You had already met Ben's family, and so it was now his time.

The two of you were about to leave to drive down for Christmas Eve, and the nerves were beginning to set in; what if they didn't like Ben? What if they thought you were both moving too fast? What if the nieces and nephews didn't want to play with him? What if they all took one glance at Ben and thought he could do better? You saw Ben as an angel, but you didn't know about them; after all, your mother had always wanted the perfect step-son. She had been pretty adamant about it from the start. Nevertheless, you brushed the nerves off and paid attention to curling your hair. Your concentration was broken, however, by the sight of Ben entering the bedroom in the reflection of the mirror in front of you. You grinned widely at the sight before you, or rather behind you, as the strapping blonde man strode in wearing what you noticed to be a rather formal suit considering the fact you were only attending a Christmas dinner with your family. In fact, it was extremely formal considering the fact you were only attending a Christmas dinner with your family; meaning you couldn't help but giggle.

"That's what your wearing? Baby, we're going to my parents for Christmas, not a wedding!"

"What? I wanted to impress them!" He exclaimed rather seriously, which made you chuckle before standing up off the little stool to walk towards him to give him a small peck on the cheek; which funnily made him blush like a madman. That was something you loved about Ben; he seemed like every day he saw you was as if he was seeing you for the first time again. Somedays, he acted like a horny teenager who couldn't resist your touch. Other days, he acted like you were made of glass, as if you were the most precious, fragile thing on the earth which led to being peppered with little kisses and hugs of every form whenever he saw you. And other days, he acted like he was made of glass, and would blush or smile every time you even placed a gentle finger on him; and you had a strong feeling, this was one of those days. "I mean, what if they don't like me, or they don't think I'm good enough for their daughter? What do we do then? Because I love you, I really really love you and I want to spend my whole life with you but I can't do that if your family doesn't like me because-“

"Baby, I know they're going to love you, okay. Maybe not as much as I do, but trust me; my mum is going to take one look at you and she'll treat you like the son she never had. You look gorgeous, and as much as I am admiring the way you look in this suit, you need to change. Swap the shirt and tie out for a tshirt, and the tapered pants for some of your nice jeans." you encourage him, stroking his upper arm lightly and smiling up at his face which looked extremely defeated. You could sense the anxiety emanating from his body, he was just as nervous to meet your parents as you were for them to meet him. But you didn't tell him that, because you didn't want to worry him anymore than he already was. He simply nodded, taking a deep breath and unsleeving his arms from the blazer so that he could unbutton his shirt. You pushed his hand out the way and did it yourself, after seeing the way his hands were pretty much shaking. He still preoccupied himself, beginning to pull his trousers off to fasten the pace, as he knew you needed to set off soon to make it in time.

Once he was dressed in more appropriate clothing, which you deemed suitable for a first impression, you were finally able to leave for your parents. The car journey over there was a little less stressful, as Ben had began to calm down and forget all about his little moment in the morning. However, as you stood outside your parent's house, your own nerves began to set in. You had arrived a lot later than you expected to, having been stuck in traffic for a lot of the journey. Your hand trembled as you went to ring the doorbell, Ben stood a step behind you so that your parents would be able to greet you first. The door swung open after a few seconds, revealing the bright cheery face of your mother.

"Darling, hello! It's lovely to see you! Come in, come in!" she cheered, stepping to the side to allow you and Ben to enter. You gave her a warm hug as you walked in, in which she responded with a small kiss to your temple. Your father entered the room too, a smile emerging on his face, and you couldn't help but laugh as you noticed the apron he was wearing; it was the same one he wore every single year, with an awful christmas pun which to be honest was not a suitable apron to wear around children.

"Mum! Dad! I've missed you so much! Sorry we were late - the traffic was awful" you squealed, pulling your dad in for a hug as well, until you looked to the side to see Ben standing there incredibly awkwardly as you greeted your parents. "Mum, Dad, I'd love for you to meet my boyfriend, Ben"

"It's nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs LN. Thank you for having me, especially during a time which is meant for spending time with family" He greeted, holding his hand out to shake my fathers, but rather he pulled Ben in for a hug. You then realised you had completely forgotten to mention to Ben quite how open and friendly your family were, meaning he had quite a shocked reaction to the sudden embrace.

"Please, call us Lydia and Michael. And you are part of this family Ben; any friend of YN's is a friend of ours, lovie. Now why don't the two of you head up to your room and settle down - that way, you'll be awake in time for tomorrow morning when the kids come up and completely wreck your lie-in!" Your mum whisper-yelled, chuckling as she handed your suitcases over to your dad to help you haul them up the flights of stairs to your old childhood room that you and Ben were planning to stay in for the next two nights. Admittedly, you were a bit embarrassed considering you knew your mother hadn't changed anything about your room since you were 18 and moved out to University, so you were in for an awkward and humiliating moment when Ben first saw the posters of Roger Taylor and Queen all over your wall like you were some kind of crazy fangirl. Which, of course, you were but you didn't even think about having to explain that until now.

After a good 10 minutes of Ben laughing at your seemingly-passionate devotion to the band, you had finally settled down in your bed, which was thankfully a double. It was rather cold, being wintertime, so you and Ben were cuddled up extremely close together under bundles of blankets in an attempt to keep some warmth between you. You spent a majority of your nights curled up like this, Ben's touch providing a haven for you. And just like every other night, you ended it with the same words.

"I told you they'd love you, you practically had my mum wrapped around your finger!" You grinned, poking Bens stomach jokingly as he released a low chuckle at your point. He knew you were right, because you had mentioned that your mother was often more removed from people if she didn't like them.

"Okay, okay; I was worried for nothing, I'll admit it! But I had every right to be!" He defended himself, his warm breath on your shoulder sending shivers down your spine. You couldn't help but cuddle closer, wrapping your arms around his torso and place your head in the nook of his shoulder.

"I know, I know; I really do love you Ben"

"I love you too"

*****

You were woken by the feeling of a small body pouncing onto your stomach, shouting and cheering filling the otherwise silent room; "Aunty Yn, Unca Bwen! Wake up! It's Christmas Day! And Santa's come!"

You chuckled, partly at your nieces urgency to get downstairs and open some presents, but mainly at Ben's low groan at being woken at 7 in the morning. Your heart softened at her reference to Ben being her Uncle, and not just a random man who had joined the family for the day. You urged the 4 year old to move off you so you could climb out of bed, grabbing the dressing gown screwed up in the floor and pushing your arms through the sleeves. "Lilah, give us 10 minutes and we'll be right down, okay?"

"Okay!" She squealed, wrapping her tiny arms around your legs before running off to shout to her brother Jackson that you'd be down in "twen" minutes.

"Baby, wake up" You whispered, shaking Bens arm lightly and kissing his forehead, only to hear him grunt and roll to face the other way. "Tired"

"So am I, but it's Christmas hun; come on, I want my presents!" You giggled, giving him a shove and jumping out of bed to tie the newly-clad gown. Ben pulled himself off the mattress and lugged over to the en-suite bathroom, mumbling that he was taking a quick shower before they head down. In the meanwhile, you busied yourself with helping your mum out in the kitchen to prepare Christmas dinner.

"Is Ben not joining us this morning?"

"He's just taking a quick shower, he'll be down soon" you explained, chopping the veg; you found yourself grinning at the mention of his name. Of course, your mother noticed this.

"You seem perfect for each other, you know. He seems like a very lovely lad too; your father and I are very happy you have found yourself someone" She smiled, elbowing your side a little which made you chuckle and grin widely; you were extremely happy that your parents actually accepted Ben into the family so unquestionably, and liked him. "So when can Michael and I expect more grandchildren!"

You saw the question coming; there was no doubt that your mother loved being a grandmother to Lilah and Jackson. But they were getting older now, Jackson being 7 and Lilah being 4, and Lydia desperately wanted a baby to care for. So, your next words came like a haven to her.

"What if I have reason to believe roughly 9 months?" You mumbled, placing your hand on your stomach and looking up at your mum with nervous eyes. Her own eyes widened in shock and happiness, taking in your words.

"You mean? You're pregnant?" She whispered, not wanting the rest of the house to hear. You nodded, worried your mother would think you and Ben were moving too fast, having only been together for roughly 10 months. "Darling, oh my gosh, that's amazing! I'm so happy! Does Ben know?"

"No not yet; in fact only you know. I was planning on telling him today, and the rest of the family, but I'm seriously beginning to second guess everything; what if Ben doesn't want the baby? I mean, we're not even married and Ben is always away for press tours and filming. What if he thinks we're moving too fast? I don't want to scare him away-" You stumbled, tears beginning to brim your eyes. Whether it was the hormones or your nerves you didn't know; but it was most likely a mixture of both. Your mother hushed you, rubbing your arm in a way to calm you down as she understood you tended to over worry about a lot; and of course, this is an extremely reasonable thing to worry about.

"Lovie, look; you will not scare Ben away. I see the look of lust in that boys eyes when he looks at you, and I can tell just how much he really loves you. This is a big thing, of course it is, but you need to tell Ben; whether you plan on keeping the child or not. He deserves to know, and if he turns you away then he was never a gentleman to begin with. You have this whole family to support you the whole way, but at the end of the day; it is both yours and Bens decision" She comforted, her words calming you a little as you realised she was right. You couldn't just not tell Ben, it was his child and you were a couple. And, to be completely honest, you were excited as hell to start a family with the man you considered the love of your life. The only reason you were hesitant with this was because you and Ben had literally never spoke about having children or starting a family, so you didn't have his opinion on the matter to fall back on. The moment between your mother and you was interrupted by the man himself, hugging you from behind and pressing a small kiss to your neck.

"Hiya love, everything okay?" He muttered, his arms wrapping tightly around your waist as you continue to chop the carrots as you were before the conversation with your mother. You hummed, leaning back into his touch, hoping he hadn't heard the previous conversation between you and your mother. You felt the smile on his lips against your skin, and he tucked his head into your neck.

"Why don't you go and meet my siblings huh? I'll be in in a few minutes, just finishing up with this" You suggested, to which he nodded and placed a small kiss to your temple, before walking into the living room to join your family. You could hear the loud voices of your older brother, Sam, and his wife greeting Ben from the other room, and painfully worried that Ben wouldn't get too nervous as your brother tended to be quite boisterous at times. In fact, your whole family did; which was extremely different to Ben's family who were much more calm and collected. Although by the sight you received entering the room a few minutes later, you were immediately filled with joy; the sight of Ben sat on the living room floor, cross legged, with Lilah on his lap and Jackson sat beside him, as he read them a story Lilah had begged him to. You were a little confused as to how he was getting on with them all so well; Lilah didn't usually warm up to people so well unless she had been properly introduced. And your mum was usually very judgemental of your boyfriends that you had brought home before. And your brother was often extremely protective over you. And your sister would most likely try to steal any guy you brought home and have him for herself.

You can't help but admire the way he is around the 2 children; it's as if he's done the whole parenting thing before. Lilah was smiling so widely, you thought her face was going to get permanently stuck like that. The two were amazingly engaged as he spoke the words on the page, acting out the story with little actions and different voices, making sound effects when needed. Your brother's wife, Sophia, walked up to you with a small grin on her face before mumbling "You've got a good one there, don't ruin it" in your direction as she passed by to enter the kitchen. At the sight before you, you realised exactly how correct she was. You had got someone in your life who you could never lose; you'd be a fool to ruin what you and Ben had. So of course, you began second guessing telling him the news once again. If you told him the truth, he may leave and then you've lost him for good. But seeing just how well he was around the children and how engaged he was, you actually considered that this was a good idea.

The time came to finally exchange presents; no doubt after the children had nagged the adults for 20 minutes straight, asking "when can we open them?". The children spent the most time opening presents, getting excited after each one and showing it off to every single adult in the room. You were sat on the small armchair; well Ben was, and you were perched on his lap, an arm around his neck and head rested on his shoulder. You were admittedly beginning to grow impatient at telling Ben the news; as much as you didn't want to tell him, waiting to do it was becoming painful because it only gave you more time to re-evaluate your decision. Thankfully, your mother had finished giving everyone her gifts, so it was the end and you could give Ben his. You rushed out of the room to where your coat hung up, pulling out a small box that was wrapped in paper and had a bow placed on the top. Ben noticed the box and furrowed his brows, even more so when you went to hand it to him.

"YN, we agreed we weren't doing presents this year?" he questioned, hesitantly taking the box from your hand, almost as if he expected it to explode in his hand. You nodded your head a little, understanding his confusion. Honestly, you forgot that you had agreed to not give each other presents this year because you had spent quite a lot of money so far on your relationship, first buying the house and then investing in a pet.

"I-I know, but you wouldn't have got any other gifts, and I think you'll like this one" You mumbled, urging him to open it and trying to hide your nerves from Ben as you knew he had a strange talent of noticing when you were hesitant to do something. He was like a human radar; he knew when you were happy, sad, angry, nervous, excited. He had a mental notebook of all your habits for each emotion, so he could probably tell that you were absolutely bricking it right now. But you assumed that he just thought this because you were nervous he wouldn't like the gift; which you were, but he didn't realise why. He took his sweet time opening the present, unwrapping it slowly considering he had all eyes of the room on him at that moment, alongside the glare of a camera that your mother had pulled out in excitement of the moment. As he opened the flaps to the small cardboard box underneath the wrapping paper, his eyes widened and his whole body froze. You can't deny, so did yours. He slowly pulled out the small stick out of the shadows of the box to reveal two small pink lines on the small screen.

"A-are you... is this real?" he mumbled, looking up to meet your eyes. You saw the tears beginning to pool at the bottom of his eyes, and you saw a glint of happiness. You nodded, awaiting his reaction.

"I tested positive."

You didn't know if this was a good reaction or a bad one because he didn't really show much emotion on his face. That was until a giant smile stretched across his face and his hands dropped the box so that he could wrap his arms around you. It was rather sudden, but he took you into the tightest hug you'd ever felt; his head rested against your shoulder and you felt the tears of joy seeping into your jumper. You obviously hugged back, relieved that he was actually happy about this.

"I-I'm gonna be a dad? W-We're gonna be parents?" He continued questioning, unable to believe any of this was true because he didn't think contentment like this could exist. You could barely speak your own words, only having the ability to nod and cry as well as Ben. The whole family was now cheering with you, Lilah jumping on your lap to give you the biggest hug she possibly could, exclaiming that she couldn't wait to have a little cousin she could play with. Well, you assumed that's what she said, considering most of her words were indistinguishable.

"I can't believe this, this is the best day of my fucking life. God, we're gonna be parents in 9 bloody months, love. I love you so much, and you too" he gushed, tears brimming in his eyes once again and also yours. He bent down and gently kissed your practically-non-existent bump as he whispered "and you too" and you couldn't help but admire how well he took the news; you certainly didn't expect this much of a reaction from him and you felt a little stupid for ever second guessing yourself. Of course, being the bundle of nerves Ben tended to be, started questioning everything; "How far along are you? Have you been feeling ill? Because I'm sorry if I haven't been much help to make you feel better but I don't recall hearing you being sick of anything in the mornings so I don't know-"

"Ben, I've been fine so far; I'm only a month along and I've only had two instances of morning sickness, both of which you weren't home for so you don't have to worry. I suppose I've felt a little under the weather recently but nothing that I couldn't cope with." You explained, which brought comfort to Ben as he knew you weren't suffering too much in the time being. Though, he had heard of how harsh pregnancy can be for some women and he prayed to the Lord that you would not be one of the small percentage.

*****

After finding out the exciting news, Ben had been non-stop protecting you like you were a piece of glass; not that he didn't before, he just did it a lot more intensely now. Every time you tried to sit down or stand up, he would help you so that you didn't 'strain your back'. Every time you went up the stairs, he would walk right behind you. Every time you yawned, he asked if you wanted to go to bed and insisted you had an early night so that you and 'bean' were well rested. Oh yes, and he had nicknamed the growing child 'bean'. You, thankfully, now found yourself wrapped up in the covers of your duvet after a long Christmas day and could not wait to fall asleep. Ben had jumped in beside you and cuddled close so that he could rest his hand on your stomach and head on your shoulder. You were so close to being asleep, until Ben decided to create conversation.

"You know, I thought your boobs had gotten bigger, but I didn't want to mention it in case you thought I was complaining" He mumbled into your neck, which woke you up immediately. You slapped his arm and chuckled loudly, making him wince in pain a little.

"They've also gotten a lot more sore so no touching. And alongside that, I constantly need to pee, very gassy and am continually getting mood swings; so good luck for the next 9 months because you're officially dating a zombie" you countered, making him chuckle gleefully. He didn't care how disgusting or gross you may have seen yourself; you were still beautiful to him and he was going to let you know that every day.

"A gorgeous zombie who I love very very much and is literally bringing my child into the world; with my help, of course." He smirked, making you roll your eyes because you completely understood what he meant by 'his help'.

"I'm so happy that your happy and I can't wait to have a family with the love of my life"

"And I can't wait either" He grinned, feeling happiness he had never felt before in his life. Now, all he had to do was propose; luckily, he'd been planning it all along

#ben #hardy #ben x reader #ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy x y/n #fanfic #oneshots #fluff #imagines #christmas #pregnancy

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