#And for someone to unexpectedly drop the concept of monster fuckers on him.

[mechazushi]

My brain took a few days to cook this up for you.

"I swear, I could do this routine backwards by now." Kafka complained as he reclined back against the ledge of the building they were stationed on.

The first division was running team training tactics in the practice grounds today. Him, Narumi and Kikrou were placed in a superior location on top of a building overlooking their team's flag. While Kikoru was peering down her division issued scope she placed in a wide crack in the building's roof ledge, Kafka was right next to her, watching Narumi make a fool of himself flailing his arms around in a stupid TokTik dance.

Narumi had made an account a while ago as a joke, mainly to fuel all of his crazier fans saying they wanted fresh material for thirst traps. After his account blew up, he found out that Soshiro had made one too, and was gaining followers a lot faster than he was. The two of them were now engaged in a bitter, unspoken battle for the most followers. Well, Narumi was anyway. Soshiro just kept up appearances mainly to antagonize Narumi more.

"Just leave him be. He'll drop it soon enough." Kikoru responded, more focused at what was happening at the other end of her cross hairs.

"Not with Vice Cap being effortlessly better at it than he is." Kafka snorted.

"Don't let him hear you say that." Kikoru smirked as she sniped an intruder from across the map.

The two of them listened to the music repeat a few more times, with Narumi's grunts of irritation getting louder with every pass. It was starting to look like he was having a problem getting the timing right.

"Every time he repeats that damn song, it makes me want to photo bomb him 'till he gives up." Kafka grumbled as he shifted his arms to his chest.

Kikoru pulled back from her gun from a moment as her eyebrows flexed in thought, "We could do something a lot more interesting than just photo bombing him." she said as she turned to him.

She leaned over more as Kafka matched her position, making sure her words were safely traveling into his ear. His eyes widened as he listened to her devious plan.

"We can't do that! I don't wanna hurt him." Kafka whispered harshly, but couldn't hide the smile creeping onto his face.

"Come on! His shield hasn't seen any use this fight. If you aim right, you could land him at the enemy flag and force him to participate." Kikoru giggled quietly.

The two of them looked over at Narumi, who was still oblivious to their machinations. They briefly looked back at each other and nodded in unison, silently agreeing to the plan. With a quick check with the scope to make sure this wouldn't cost them, the two of them slowly got to their feet and carefully crept up behind Narumi. Right about where the song changed to the most important part to dance to, Kafka dove down and grabbed Narumi by the leg and waist, shifting his weight through the stance and quickly threw their commander's limp body over and far away from where they were stationed. Not missing a beat, the two of them jumped into action, swaying and popping their limbs to the beat. When the song got to a good stopping point, they held the last pose for a second. Kikoru broke away first and giggled manically as she bolted for the phone, pressing the "Stop Recording" button.

"Quick! Post it before he gets back!" Kafka yelled as he went back to the building's edge to watch for signs their prank might end too soon.

"I'm trying! I'm trying!" Kikoru answered back.

Needless to say, when Narumi got a hold of them, they were heavily reprimanded using his mountainous backlog of unfinished paperwork.

▼△▼△▼△▼△

Narumi angrily munched on a lobster flavored potato chip as the short video replayed on his phone screen. It had only been a day since the training video incident, but Hoshina had seemed to have come up with a way to take it and bruise his ego even more. Somehow, he had come up with a compilation of taped moments of Kafka appearing in the background of some videos from his and other people's and made a thirst trap out of them. Hoshina then paired it to the part where they had interrupted his own short and layered it with some obnoxiously high quality editing.

The worst part of it all wasn't the fact that it was now Hoshina's highest liked video, but all the accounts in the comment section he recognized were devout followers of his account. They were now commenting about how amazing it was that they finally found out some information about that "Hot DILF" that showed up in the background sometimes. Narumi understood that people could have more than one preference, but they could at least have the decency to use an alternate account? Don't they understand how damning this was to his mental state?

Just as the part where Kafka lifted the hem of is shirt to wipe his face during that one time when he was training in the gym, the man of the hour walked into the break room Narumi holed himself up in. He aggressively glared at Kafka over the top of his phone, staring so hard it could shatter glass as he made a cup of instant noodles. He even felt the familiar itching that arose when his eyes flexed and flowed into a higher state of sight, like it wanted to break the offending kaiju-man down to his most basic parts and incinerate them.

The video on his phone caught his attention again as he saw that it had started over from the beginning. Flicking his gaze between the two forms of the traitor, a half-baked plan started to form in his mind. Clicking a few buttons, Narumi linked the video he was watching to the one he was making.

"Yeah, so... it's safe to say that, uh... the vice-" he put a lot of unnecessary emphasis on that word, " captain's video about an old subordinate of his hasn't, umm, gone unnoticed. I checked a few of the comments and I saw how -fucking- many of you wanted to know more about the guy." He tried to hide his irritation about the issue, he really did, but anyone that knows about Narumi for at least over a minute could tell he was fraying at the seams over this.

"So, without further adieu, I thought I could be nice and answer some of the recurring questions I have found in the comments section." he said with a deep breath.

"First off, for those of you that can't read the fucking description, his name is Kafka Hibino." It was at this point that Kafka threw a glance over his shoulder once he heard his name. He didn't make any move to investigate further, but Narumi was sure he at least had his attention.

"His basic ASL information is that he's currently under my supervision at Division One and currently, he's my subordinate. That means if you want him, you gotta go through me first." he said with a fake, flirtatious wink.

"His sex is male, and as far as I've heard through the work grapevine, possibly somewhere on the rainbow. If you catch my drift." This time, he pointed a finger-gun to the camera. Kafka was now fully aware of what was being said and had abandoned his mid-paperwork snack to watch Narumi with wary interest.

"And uh, his age?" Narumi asked himself as he got up from his seat and casually strode over to Kafka, " His age... is THIRTY-TWO. Ya'll are thirsting over a THIRTY-TWO YEAR OLD MAN." Narumi slung his arm over Kafka's shoulder forcefully so he could be dragged into the camera's frame, " This old bastard is literally the oldest man in any division. I actually can't think of any division that has anyone older in their ranks. And this is the guy you crown as Fuckable material?"

"Now, hold on just a second-" Kafka said as he wrestled himself out of the weak arm lock, "I am not the oldest! Literally every department head is much older than I am! And why the fuck should my age have any problem with whether or not people find me attractive?"

Narumi angled the camera so that it fully faced Kafka and made his voice sound muffled as it came from behind the phone, "I meant, like, foot soldier level. No other division has a person in the ground division that's as old as you are. And it doesn't change the fact that you're so old and-well, I'm assuming romantically inexperienced, to the point that it gave you fucking superpowers. Which, on its own, is pretty depressing."

Kafka gave Narumi the dirtiest sneer he could as he picked up a coke bottle from the counter, "Listen here, Sir. I don't know what kind of game it is you're trying to play here, but I don't take kindly to you trying to spread wrong information. Because for starters, You're a Captain and that is both wrong and illegal. Second, that's not what gave me powers and you know it. And third, does this look romantically inexperienced to you?"

Kafka then brought the unopened coke bottle close to his mouth and stuck out his tongue. It became very obvious very quickly that the length of his tongue was unnatural, especially when its needle-point tip wrapped itself around the plastic bottle lid. With very little effort, the tongue cracked the lid off and almost teasingly spun it off the bottle. Still using the tip, Kafka took the cap off and brought it into his mouth before spitting the cap across the room directly into an open trash can. The camera quickly spun around to face a very pale and shocked Narumi, leaving the phone slightly shaking in his hand for a few seconds.

"So, uhh..umm. You-you're not s-supposed to show off your powers-uhm... live? On camera." Narumi said quietly as he nervously licked his lips.

"Is... Is that not a recording?" Kafka asked nervously.

"Well, I mean, technically? It's more of a... I-I'm live streaming..." Narumi stuttered back with the camera still facing him. There was a tense pause before anyone responded.

"WELL, GUESS WHO'S FUCKING PROBLEM THAT IS?" Kafka shouted as he launched the open bottle of coke at his captain, drenching his head in the sticky drink.

A series of events when by quickly. First, Hoshina paired together the clip of Kafka opening the drink and its immediate aftermath with a nearly minute-thirty long recording of him laughing so hard he fell to the floor. Second, Narumi and Kafka were both stuck in separate meetings about cyber security and steps to take to prevent this from happening again. And finally, a massive outpouring of desperate women (and some men) all commenting and reacting to the video. All of them fell in to the same line of questioning; That being-

"Can I have his number?"

Well I call it a Saturday well spent.

Who need errands anyway.