#And Tex being a brat <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[helicrazy]

(( Slaps this down for Sunday. Enjoy you fucks

Also something for @photobombingcryptid/ @merchantsecrets <3 ))

Vortex flashes his visor toward Blaze sitting on the sofa with a data pad in his servos and his legs on top of the table, making himself at home in Vortex's place. The copter never minded, in fact, he enjoyed having company over even if Blaze was a once-in-a-blue-moon type of visit, and his apartment was the perfect place for private moments where they couldn't be disturbed.

Unlike the mansion where they habitually got caught in places they shouldn't.

But here? No one will say anything when Vortex approaches Blaze, placing himself between his legs and spreading them out as he kneels in front of him with nothing but a grin on his face.

Blaze doesn't peer away from the datapad, taking the hint, and opens up the panel to his spike while returning his attention to the screen, but before Vortex can move he lifts a digit to him. "Ah ah. Open your valve cover and play with yourself, you can jerk me off first."

Vortex scoffs but opens his valve panel and moves a servo between his legs to rub his claws against the entrance while the other grabs the spike in front of him and roughly begins to stroke it. The tip of his claws pushes into his valve as he stares hungrily at his partner's equipment, occasionally giving it a fine squeeze while he works on himself. Feeling lubricant slowly leak onto his servo already.

"Spread your legs and really get in there Texy." The outlier instructs, his vision never leaving the screen as he knows how Vortex likes to play. His spike twitches and extends in the hold, getting aroused by the second but his focus is entirely on something else.

Like getting a new universe-wide high score on a difficult game.

Vortex spreads his legs out and plunges his digits further into his valve, making him softly moan while continuing to pump the spike. Waiting so patiently for the next order even if he's on the verge of wanting to bite the throbbing equipment just inches away from his face. Blaze must have read his processor, something he's got a serious knack for, and motions Vortex to his member along with a 'go to town.'

Finally.

The teal copter leans forward, giving the spike multiple long and rough licks on each side, tasting it like a treat and letting his piercing rub against the shaft before taking it into his mouth. He laps his glossa around the tip and moves further down while thrusting his digits inside him. When he pulls away his digits follow leaving only the tips inside, keeping a steady rhythm of pleasuring Blaze and himself simultaneously.

Blaze could play the poker face game all he wants, but it's the little details Vortex notices that give away he's enjoying every second of it.

Every throb in Vortex's mouth or valve causes his rotors to twitch and make a sound. Almost like a whimper but he hides it with a grunt or moan. He loved having a mouth full of spike, savoring each moment he went down and moistening it up with lubricant, while his valve was getting close to a-

"No overloading yet."

Oh for frags sake.

The Combaticon gives the spike a nip on the head, venting with a grin after noticing the tiniest jitter from the other.

"Remove your digits and get on my lap." Blaze orders, though it's difficult for Vortex to tell whether it's a reward or a punishment.

Regardless he pulls his digits out and brings himself down on the spike one last time, cleaning it off with his glossa and squeezing it before removing it from his mouth with a pop. With a smirk, he gets up and hops onto Blaze's lap still holding his spike, aiming to place it under him but is stopped by the copter.

"No, Vortex. Not yet." Blaze states as he moves a servo to smack Vortex's hold away, not once turning away from the data pad. He grabs the Combaticon by the waist and lowers him so his valve rubs against his member, causing the teal mech to slightly growl. Blaze shushes him as he moves the tip against the folds, teasing and feeling him tremble.

Vortex places his servos on the sofa on either side of Blaze, attempting to hold himself together but the moment he feels the other enter him his overload sneaks up. He shivers as fluids drip from his valve and onto Blaze's spike, moaning in delight.

"I didn't say you could overload." The cryptid simply declares.

Vortex huffs, glaring down at his partner before he grabs the data pad and hurls it away.

Blaze stares at his empty servo and peers over to where the pad was thrown. "My high score."

"Frag your high score." The Combaticon snarls while adjusting himself to sit on the spike, craving that fill he's been aching for quite some time.

Blaze grabs him by the waist to stop him, and shifts himself off the sofa to spin Vortex around and slam him against the table. One servo grabs a rotor blade to yank him back while the other places his spike between the copter's thighs. "We are going to try this again." He snaps back as he places his legs on either side of Vortex's, preventing him from spreading his legs but separate enough for his equipment to thrust in between. "Do not overload until I give you permission." Blaze growls into the other copter's audial when leaning into him. "Do I make myself clear?"

Vortex jams his claws into the table and whimpers, both from his rotor being pulled and feeling the warm spike throbbing between his legs, just below his valve. A nod is all he gives, but he has the biggest grin on his face as Blaze begins to thrust between his legs.

He can win this game.

He won't.

[custarcake]

erm... did someone say Texas headcanons?? 🤓

- LOSER!!!!!!! he is such an unbelievable loser. socially awkward. prone to violence/arguments. can and will fight someone but has to have 926339373 hours in order to process a conversation. will have bouts of silence between each sentence. loves to talk but is not good at talking.

- he is so Mexican/Hispanic to me. ex-catholic who still believes in god. gay man with heavy internalized homophobia.

- has the prettiest brown eyes :33 but like they're DARK brown. almost black. and when you look at them, it's almost like staring into a comforting night sky.

- sooo many daddy issues. so much trauma. but was also a spoiled brat as a kid, and would relish in the attention and shit while ignoring everything horrible n traumatizing that was going on.

- HE IS A HATER!!!!! he loves to hate. he feels emotions very strongly and is generally bark AND bite.

- loves dogs :3

- he loves stars!!! and space in general :D

- is a farm boy!!! has his own farmhouse he keeps to himself, and he loves loves loves cows. he gives them names and personalities and talks to them a lot :D

- adores the rest of the South. (excluding oklahoma bc he reminded tex too much of his former self when he came into the Union);; tries to play it cool, but he genuinely loves being around them a lot. comes to very event and acts sooo tough but he's grinning so hard when he enters the house. he loves his friends :)

- his besties:::: Tennessee & Georgia!! (the georgia-texas friendship is so important to me) is on rlly good (but somewhat strange) terms with Florida.

- he has such a weird relationship with Gov. these two are NOT normal about each other. was Gov's favorite for a short time--and Texas still does matter to Gov greatly--and still remains someone he'll get into his office and just. talk.

- texas gets a lot of stories about the colonial days as the OG 13 and the war, (mostly from Georgia n Virginia) he very much enjoys hearing about it bc he so badly wishes he was there. (he'd been alone for the majority of his own revolution, so the idea of being within a "family" of sorts is very :)) to him.)

[ducktracy]

happy birthday, frank tashlin!

today would have been frank tashlin’s 107th birthday, making him the second youngest director on the WB staff (bob clampett getting the title of youngest, born less than 3 months after tashlin) frank tashlin’s one of my favorite WB directors, and it’s a criminal shame how underrated he is!

he began his cartoonist career in 1930 working for john foster’s aesop’s fables, then briefly migrating to van beuren studios, but he seldom stayed in one place too long. bob clampett once likened him to a yo-yo, and ink and paint girl martha sigall reminiscing “here today, gone tomorrow. now you see him, now you don’t.” he joined the schlesinger gang in 1933 as an animator, even receiving a credit for buddy’s beer garden as tish tash.

during his first (out of three) stint at warner bros, he was running a comic on the side — van boring (he never says a word), a play on his former boss van beuren. leon schlesinger was particularly enamored by the comic, and wanted “a cut of it.” tash responded warmly, recounting “i said go to hell. so he fired me.”

he moved to ub iwerks’ studio in 1934, briefly working as an animator, and later moving to hal roach’s studio as a gag man. he returned to warner bros in 1936, this time as a director. jack king had just returned to disney, and a spot needed to be filled. evidently there were no harsh feelings between schlesinger and tash, as tash claimed “he was a man who thought in money terms. he never let personalities interfere too long; his wallet spoke.”

his first directed cartoon was porky’s poultry plant in 1936, also noteworthy for being the debut of composer carl stalling as well, who would stay at the studio for 22 years. tashlin started off as just a looney tunes director—tex avery was splitting the difference between looney tunes and merrie melodies, whereas friz freleng was exclusively MM. however, tash also got to indulge in the merrie melodies (a privilege his predecessor jack king never got to experience), his first being speaking of the weather in 1937, a take on the classic “books come to life” genre made popular by the harman-ising era. tashlin himself even said he idolized the duo, and modestly dismissed his own takes as “cribbing their ideas.” during his first directorial stint from 1936-1938, tash would direct 13 looney tunes and 8 merrie melodies.

tashlin departed in 1938 after an argument with studio executive henry binder, and sought refuge at disney. there, he recounts forming a union because of how terrible the pay was (he said that he earned $150 a week at warner bros, and at disney he supposed he “was the first person [in the union] making more than thirty dollars a week.” he wrote mickey and the beanstalk and was also involved in very early development of lady and the tramp.

he left disney after an argument with mr. disney himself (“i always pick the wrong people to fight with”) and headed for columbia pictures’ screen gems in 1941. in fact, he was put in charge of the studio impromptu when a “man” fired everyone but him. he hired a number of picketers during the infamous animator’s strike. he made the fox and the crow series, one of the studio’s better entires. and, once more, he was fired after a dispute with an executive.

tashlin finally returned to warner bros in 1943, taking over norm mccabe’s unit. not to say that his 1936-1938 works were bad (he has quite a few masterpieces--porky’s romance, the case of the stuttering pig, wholly smoke, cracked ice… some of his merrie melodies certainly rival tex avery’s), but his period from 1943-1946 reflects his experience and knowledge acquired from his days drifting between studios.

his first picture from his return was porky pig’s feat, one of my favorite porky/daffy cartoons and probably one of the best black and white cartoons made at the studio, if not the best. the plot is simple: porky and daffy stay at a fancy shmancy hotel, and the bill is ridiculously expensive. porky assures the manager daffy’s cashing in the check, and we see daffy gambling away (and losing) all of their money. the rest of the cartoon consists of daffy and porky attempting to save their hides and escape the hotel, but they end up being held prisoner regardless. bugs bunny also makes a cameo as another jailbird who tried (and failed) the same shtick they did.

tashlin lamented about being demoted back to the porky cartoons again: “who wants to see the damned pig, and i’m stuck with the damned pig. it takes him so long to talk.” “i hated him, i thought he was a terrible character.” he mentions envying the other directors working with bugs (only directing 2 bugs cartoons himself), how the studio worked as a hierarchy of sorts. having to work your way up to the big leagues. though his porky cartoons are fantastic, his distaste is subtly noted. (he claims that “you couldn't do anything with his body”, which i couldn’t disagree with more) daffy takes the front seat in porky pig’s feat, brother brat is dedicated exclusively to porky getting abused by a testosterone fueled baby, and swooner crooner hardly features porky to begin with (an iconic cartoon that holds the title as the only porky cartoon nominated for an academy award.) nevertheless, his cartoons are stronger than ever, growing only more powerful with his daffy entries and eventually bugs entries.

a big contributor to the success of these cartoons lies in tashlin’s filmmaking aspirations. he’d leave warner bros in 1944 (his cartoons running all the way until 1946) to go to the film business. ever since porky’s poultry plant, his eye for camera angles and cinematography has been evident, and only grown stronger since. tashlin described how his mindset aligned with his drifter attitude. if he was working on cartoons, he was thinking of film. if he was working in film, he was thinking of plays, etc.

he began as a gag writer for films featuring big names such as the marx brothers and lucille ball. he directed films all through the 50s and 60s, echoing elements he mastered in his animation: elaborate camera angles, fast pace, sight gags, plot twists, etc.

i’ve run my mouth enough, but he was a great guy who’s criminally underrated. his cartoons are hilarious, artful, clever, and just plain fun. definitely an important name in the animation business that should be much more important! i’ll get more in depth with his content once i get to his cartoons for my reviews (soon!)

to end, left to right: frank tashlin, tex avery, henry binder, leon schlesinger, ray katz, and friz freleng in 1936.

happy birthday, tish tash!

[choisgirls]

*hugs* I just got home, safe and sound. Reminder that I love you so very much, and hold you in very high regards, because you are more than deserving of them. Your art, be it through brush or keyboard, always bring a smile to those who view it; your appearance leaves those who look upon you in awe, for who could have thought that perfection existed outside of the realm of impossibility? Your kind demeanor and sharp wit only enhance the loveliness of your being. May happiness find you soon.

aw tex god dammit i just-

i literally just; you just made me tear up and im not even exaggerating, you lil brat i love you /so/ /sososososo/ much

i cant even- i have no words to even reply to this with

but listen here buckaroo; you are absolutely amazing, inside and out, beyond the words i can provide to describe you. My love for you extends beyond the stars as does my utmost respect for you

[dj-gora]

I know this isn't going to be original but I'm curious- Top 10 fave villains?

God damn it, that’s a tricky one, it changes almost every day and I have at least 50 villains I could anme that I love.I don’t think I could put them in any order, but I can name 10, all from video games and only one per franchise.(This took me like an hour to write gaaaaaaah)Baron DanteThis one goes without saying and it’s hard to explain.It’s mostly nostalgia but I’ve drawn Baron Dante since I was 5 years old, and still find him one of my favourite characters to draw on a semi-regular basis.Just something about his look is very easy to draw, but also very fun to redesign and reinterpret.He’s also a pretty by the book villain, which I usually dislike, but Dante is the exception.RiptoAnother mostly nostalgia one.Short villains are usually overly comedic and played up to be nothing more than loud, but Ripto was kind of the opposite, while still having these traits. He was short but taller than Spyro, but also managed to take over Avalar, enslave the inhabitants and actually be a threat.Then Enter the Dragonfly happened and he was reduced to a jibbering lump of jelly, like every character in that game.The Spyro 2 Ripto though will remain up there for favourite villains, he’s also really fun to draw.UrsulaI love a lot of Disney’s villains but I have a soft spot for her.I just love how overtly sassy she is, and how she’s one of the few fat characters who actually works it instead of just being fat for comedic effect.She suffered the usual Disney/Marvel thing of being killed at the end of the film, but still, I love her.ClockwerkThis is more of a recent villain for me, but a very good one.A giant eurasian eagle-owl that keeps himself alive for centuries fueled solely on hatred for another thieving clan.To top of the awesome cake, he’s now a machine, and a rather intimidating one.I love how even though he’s in a zany platforming game, he’s one of the most malacious villains I’ve seen, and genuinely creepy at times.He’s also one fo my favourite things to draw, mainly because I’ve been told I’m naturally good at drawing machinery.Courtney GearsAgain, amore recent one for me, like Clockwerk, but she’spretty up there.I love the concept of killer robots that break their programming, and one that takes the facade of a sexy killer robot pop star is pretty awesome.While she only appeared as a boss in Ratchet 3 and as a minor NPC in Deadlocked, she left an impact and she’s one of my new favourite characters to draw.She was also voiced by Melissa Disney, who voiced Elora in Spyro 2 (another favourite character), so double points there.Dr Ivo “Eggman” RobotnikHe was one of the first villains I ever had exposure to, and he’s stuck with me for all these years.The beauty of the character is there’s several versions of him to choose from, my particular two favourites being Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and the Sonic SatAM verisons.AoSTH version because he’s got all the charm and animation of a Tex Avery character, and SatAM because it’s goddamn Jim Cummings as Robotnik.Nuff said.King K.RoolThis is one I haven’t really done that much artwork of yet, but I love me some K.Rool.Heaven knows that Nintendo doesn’t.He’s like Bowser, but a bit more malacious, has a thing for the theatrics, can actually go toe-to-toe with Donkey Kong and also had a very amusingly devious voice in the Donkey Kong TV Show.DA COCONUT.Wendy O KoopaAn obvious one if you follow me.As a kid I had a slight crush on ‘Kootie Pie Koopa’ from the Mario TV show, and not owning any Mario games when I was young meant I didn’t know she was called Wendy until much much later on.She’s another incredibily sassy character who has ranged from a spoiled brat to a tomboy, and like Ursula she’s a somewhat fat character who isn’t portrayed as a clumsy oaf.Psy-CrowA classic one from my childhood.Again, voiced by Jim Cummings, but a character with so much personality, like all of Doug TenNapel’s characters.A great villain is one who can parallel the hero, and Psy-Crow is the polar opposite of Jim.He’s cowardly, overweight, sly, nihilistic and ruthless, but still manages to be witty, funny and occasionally intelligent.I need to finish that picture of Psy-Crow I started.RezThis is a villain I’ve kinda fell out of in recent years, but one I still find incredibily cool.A being made of liquid TV static that takes the form of a pirahna-faced machine to take on Gex and Agent X-tra.He’s a villain who needs more love.

[torterragarden]

top 5 female and top 5 male characters in anything (top 10 if 5 isnt enough), add reasons if you want to 🙋 and a happy new year 🙌

OKAY SO I’M FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO POSTING MY ANSWER FOR THIS THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT. I spent so much time thinking about this because I loved this question and I ended up coming up with a top 10 female characters + reasons and I probably went way overboard like this is so long and I’m sorry. So unfortunately I haven’t made a list for male characters because I got so extra with this female characters list, but another time perhaps. Anyway, top 10 female characters here we go!!

10. Piper Mclean, Heroes of Olympus series - I think what I really like about Piper is that she has a lot of qualities that badly written female characters tend to have, but… she’s written well. What I mean is like… Piper is selfish. She’s whiny. She’s a brat. She’s emotional. Usually when a female character has traits like that, she isn’t likable and probably wasn’t intended to be. But Piper is given a depth and respect that those other female characters aren’t usually afforded. She’s flawed, but she knows it, and she hates her flaws and she tries to better herself. And she’s more than those flaws too! She’s brave and kind and loving, and her emotions - all of them, no matter how ugly - are ultimately her strength. I love that she’s allowed to be so emotional, that it’s good that she’s so emotional, because I feel like there’s this idea that female characters have to be emotionless in order to be “strong” or whatever so anyway yeah I love Piper

9. Emily Davis, Until Dawn - I have a knack for taking a liking to female characters that the majority of the fandom hates, and then loving them even more out of spite. Admittedly, a lot of my aggressive love for Emily is a reaction to the amount of (unfair, reeking of double standards and sexism) hatred she gets in the fandom, but even disregarding that, I do really like her. I started liking her very early on in Until Dawn. She seemed like she had a lot of personality and I liked that, and I only liked her more as the game went on. I mean… I literally have a post listing all of the reasons that I love Emily so that should tell you everything, right?

8. Amethyst, Steven Universe - I hesitated to put Amethyst on the list, since I’m not sure if she technically counts as “female”, but at the very least I think it’s fair to say that she’s female-coded and female-aligned so… I thought it would be okay? She would probably have been a lot higher up if not for the fact that I’ve lost a lot of my interest in SU, but I still love Amethyst a hell of a lot. I relate to her very strongly, for reasons that are not super comfortable to talk about. Much like Amethyst, I tend to bottle up everything and let it eat away at me until everything just explodes in the ugliest way. I think very little of myself, but I try my best to stay chill-passing because I’d rather die than tell anyone how I’m actually feeling. I don’t like going into detail about this but basically Amethyst is important to me because I relate to her in a lot of ugly and painful ways, and loving Amethyst is almost like learning to love myself. Almost.

7. Princess Bubblegum, Adventure Time - It’s funny that Adventure Time as a whole is one of those “I Definitely Like This But I’m Not Super Passionate About It” things, but there are like, four things in that show that I do feel Super Passionate about. Princess Bubblegum is one of them (the other three are Ice King, Marceline, and Bubbline, in case you were wondering). Gotdamn dude I love Princess Bubblegum and I think she doesn’t get nearly enough attention for being as interesting as she is. From the beginning I loved how she was simultaneously really sweet and morally ambiguous, that’s a really funny and intriguing dichotomy. I love that while she’s ultimately working for the Greater Good™, she’s really ruthless and vindictive. She has good intentions but she’s so very flawed, and she can be downright terrifying. Bubblegum is just endlessly fascinating to me and I really love her.

6. Cassie Cage, Mortal Kombat - Well obviously she had to be on this list, she’s where I got my url from. My love for Cassie Cage is less about who she is and more about what she represents to me, I think. Mortal Kombat isn’t exactly known for having great depictions of female characters but they did improve a lot in Mortal Kombat X, and I fell in love with Cassie partially because, to me, she embodied a lot of the positive changes. I loved that she was the heroine of MKX, I loved that she wasn’t overtly sexualized, I loved that she was funny and confident and just so damn cool, in that way that classic action heroes are cool. Chewing bubblegum and flipping people off and sassing everyone and just being exactly what comes to mind when you think “bad ass”. She was so different and so unexpected and I was so pleasantly surprised with Cassie Cage.

5. Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games - Katniss is one of the most important fictional characters ever written okay. This is a girl who grew up in extreme poverty, who took it upon herself to take care of her family at age 12, who was hardened because of her circumstances but still compassionate, and still so vulnerable. She suffered from severe PTSD, she was used as a pawn by the Capitol and by the rebels, she was manipulated and taken advantage of and she lost everything because of it. And in the end she still found a way to stand up and keep going. She didn’t magically get better but she made a life worth living for herself, even if she had to constantly remind herself of the good things in her life. I fucking love Katniss okay.

4. Jaehee Kang, Mystic Messenger - Yeah I kind of feel like trash for having a character from a god damn dating sim on here but tbh Mystic Messenger is so good it makes me angry (you are a dating sim what business do you have being that good fuck you) so I don’t feel too much like trash. Only a little bit like trash. Anyway, Jaehee. Holy god where do I even start. She is just so beautiful. That’s the first word that comes to mind, and I’m not even talking about her appearance (although yeah she’s definitely very attractive). It’s just her, man. She is so kind, so patient, so hard-working, so strong after everything she’s been through. I love that even though outwardly she’s more serious and formal than most of the other characters, there’s this underlying sweetness and quirkiness that shines through, like when she fangirls over Zen or when she says things like “benefits were effing amazing” when explaining to her boss why hosting fundraising parties is a good idea. I also love that as kind and polite as she is, she can and will mercilessly drag people she’s a fucking savage and I love her. I just love her so much. Jaehee is effing amazing.

3. Asami Sato, Legend of Korra - First of all, she’s canonically a bisexual woman in a relationship with another bisexual woman and that’s super important to me for representation. Second of all, even before Korrasami was made canon I really adored Asami. Because seriously, Asami is one of the kindest and most loyal characters in anything ever, she is such a good person through and through, even though there are so many things that have happened to her that sound like the sort of things that would motivate most characters to be villains. Her mother was murdered, her father was a terrorist who betrayed her and threatened to kill her friends, her boyfriend cheats on her, her closest friend and love interest leaves her for three years, her father fucking dies in front of her after they had just barely started to reconcile. Asami faces so much tragedy, if anyone has a right to be an asshole it would be her, yet she is still so unfailingly kind and brave and good. Also, for the record, she is probably the prettiest animated character I have ever seen in my life.

2. Agent Texas, Red vs Blue - Okay so. Red vs Blue has a lot of… issues with how it writes the few female characters it has, and I’m not going to act like Tex is this amazingly well written female character because she’s really not. But this isn’t my top 10 well-written female characters this is my top 10 favorite female characters, and whatever writing problems RvB may have, I really do love Tex. So much. It’s also a bit complicated to love Tex cause it’s like… which one lmao. I love Beta!Tex, who was tough and snarky and effortlessly bad ass, but also kind and compassionate and very, very chill. Like sure she could kick your ass and you know she could, but eh, she doesn’t really need to. The fact that you know she could is enough. And then there’s Epsilon!Tex, who was just angry, but who in many ways was the most important iteration of Tex to me. She was angry because ffs she was tired of not being her own person. She was tired of Church seeing her as His Girlfriend and not much else, she was tired of being Allison’s shadow, tired of her existence being all about other people, never about herself. Tex’s story is ultimately about a search for agency, to create an identity for herself separate from what other people want from her, and that’s always stuck with me.

1. Hermione Granger, Harry Potter - Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m putting her here because she is genuinely my favorite female character, or I’m putting her here because I can’t imagine putting anyone else here. Though I guess if I can’t imagine putting someone else here, that’s a sign that she is my favorite? Idk. I like Harry Potter less than I once did, less than I think a lot of people in my life realize, but being a Harry Potter Fan is such a big part of my identity to them that I don’t think they can see me any other way. But, even with my enthusiasm for HP these days being relatively low, I can’t deny that the series had a huge impact on me growing up and it definitely did a lot to shape the type of person I am, and it’s always going to be a bit special because of that. Hermione played a big part. She was one of the first female characters I can remember really admiring. I was nothing like her but I wanted to be, because she was smart and bad ass and complex and honestly do I even need to explain why Hermione is amazing? You all know. However I feel about HP now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the impact it had on me and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget Hermione.

[superyangarang]

God, Yang’s Scroll, and Tea

Summary: It was finals day at Beacon, but then Yang’s cellphone rang. a/n:  all my bumbleby stories have been angst so i figured i should write something where the bees aren't crying. this fic is based on the fic I wrote and posted on my main blog for the anr fandom three years ago. this is my absolute favorite fic and i wanted to just make a bees version of it, of course i changed up a few things. i hope ya'll enjoy. 

(also posted at AO3)

Last two words.

Later, Dad.

Yang was about to hit send then –

“Miss Xiao Long.”

Yang groaned and looked up. She saw substitute teacher, Professor Goodwitch, glaring at her through her glasses.

Yang stared at her nervously. “Uh, s-sorry, Professor Goodwitch. I was just tex – ”

“Give me your scroll.”

Damn, Yang thought. Professor Goodwitch looked at her expectantly; Yang didn’t have a bad reputation amongst the faculty of Beacon. She got along with the teachers. She got along with everyone. Okay, well maybe she wasn’t on Professor Goodwitch’s good side all the time but Yang was never considered a bad student. She wanted to be someone Ruby can look up to. However, the universe always allowed an exception. And their stern professor was the perfect example of an exception to Yang-Xiao Long-Gets-Along-With-Everyone-Reputation.

Yang silently cursed the universe and wondered why of all the days in the school calendar, Professor Port chose the day of their finals to call in sick.

With the test papers still in hand, Professor Goodwitch stared at Yang. She appeared disinterested but the prodding look she gave Yang was unwavering.

Damn it.

The rest of the class started murmuring; they wanted to be done with the exam as soon as possible but Yang not giving up her scroll only stalled their already inevitable fate.

A few chairs away, Sun nudged Blake. “Blaaake...”

Blake glanced at him and signaled her to keep quiet with one of her signature disinterested yet piercing stares.  

“But Yang’s being –”

“Shut it, Sun.”

Sun sighed and grinned. “Professor Goodwitch sure is on a roll. Don’t you think so, Blake?”

Blake rolled her eyes at Sun and stole a glance at Yang, who looked like she was having a staring contest with the teacher.

Christ. She’s gotten into trouble.

I guess I should save the day, Blake mused.

She was about to speak up but Professor Goodwitch beat her to it.

“Miss Xiao Long, are you going to give it to me or do I have to come over there and pry it off your fingers?”

The class’ murmuring became full-pledged. She could hear Nora and Pyrrha’s muffled voices several chairs away. Weiss caught Yang’s eye. Yang could tell she was sending her a telepathic message.

Yang Xiao Long, give the scroll or I will hit you with a binder.

Yang cringed. She did not want to get hit by Weiss’ huge ass binders so she forced herself to get up from her seat and surrender her scroll. She glanced at everyone as she walked up to the teacher’s lectern.

Look at them; they’re so freaking ready to take the test and ace it, Yang thought displeasingly.

Yang handed her scroll to the pissed yet smug looking teacher.

Blake rolled her eyes.

Professor Goodwitch smiled.

Yang felt a chill. Blake felt a chill. Everyone in the class started murmuring again. Professor Goodwitch pressed a few buttons, her nails grazing the keypad and placed the scroll on the ledge of the blackboard, chalk dust and all. Yang just stared at the confiscated item as she tried not to cringe. The teacher glared at her. The glare made Yang drag herself back to her seat.

“Let this be a lesson to you, brats, never to cheat.”

But I wasn’t cheating, damn it, Yang thought angrily. She studied, and she was good in classes. Yang never cheated. And never will. 

But she had no choice but to shut up.

                                                           ***

As soon as the scroll debacle was over, Professor Goodwitch distributed the papers immediately. Pens and pencils being raked across the papers were heard across the room as everyone in the class skimmed the test papers in haste. The geniuses in the class, like Pyrrha, Weiss, and Blake, started answering the test as if they were just answering stupid, useless, time-consuming quizzes on Facebook.

Silence enveloped the room for a record-breaking minute.

Suddenly, a sound of a muffled doorbell was heard from the front of the room, somewhere near the blackboard ledge. Yang began cursing the sheep, pigs, and pigeons alike. Blake gave her a sideway glance. She saw Yang’s brows furrowing.

Blake sighed.

She did warn her on their study night the day before to concentrate but Yang kept arguing that she was already done studying for the exam. Knowing her girlfriend, Blake assumed it was true. Yang’s smarter and a lot more dedicated than people make her out to be.

The muffled doorbell sound rang again. Blake looked back at Yang again. Yang was now looking at her confiscated scroll in front of them. Blake looked at her disbelievingly and looked away, leaving Yang twirling her pen absentmindedly. Blake wondered why Yang was so disoriented and nervous.

Was the message just then so important for her that she could concentrate? Was it from her dad? An emergency perhaps? The network service provider offering endless –

“Yaaaaaaaang – ”

FUCK, capitalized, bolded, underlined, size 72, Sun heard Blake say. Lie Ren, who was seated at the back of the room even heard the curse. Ren looked up from his test paper and glanced at Blake and then to Yang, who was next to him, and lastly at Professor Goodwitch. The substitute teacher seemed to be listening intently. The scroll’s playback continued to ring – obviously, this was no longer a text message but a scroll call. It must be really urgent. So urgent that the caller would sacrifice his or her life.

“Yang, don’t be rude. Come here right now. I want youuuu – ”

By this time, the class had already forgotten the possibility of flunking the most dreaded exam by the strictest substitute teacher on the most dreaded subject. The students looked back and forth at, the owner of the ringing scroll and the owner of the voice ringing on the scroll, Yang and Blake.

FUCK, GOODWITCH FUCK WHY DID YOU PUT IT ON LOUD MODE FUCK, Yang cursed in her head. She stared at her test paper to avoid the glances of her classmates and her girlfriend. Yang wondered if Professor Goodwitch was the devil’s spawn. Blake on the other hand, started making a list on the margins of her paper.

She was not usually this agitated and murderous but she started filling out her Assassination List and preferred method of assassination beside the names.

 Blake’s Assassination List:

1.              Yang Xiao Long by choking performed by someone who has mastered the skill of choking people to death, maybe me.

2.              Professor Goodwitch, by gradual slitting of neck using Jaune’s sword.

3.              Dumb Caller by immersion in 1000 degree Celsius temperature, freshly boiled water from the Dead Sea.

4.              Yang Xiao Long by induced coup d’état by all the governing bodies of Remnant.

5.              Yang Xiao Long by world war times infinity.

Wow, she could be creative, reading those books sure did pay off.

“ – Yang, I want to see you naked – ”

Ruby, who struggled to ignore Yang’s ringtone that featured Blake’s seductive slurring followed by Yang’s drunken laughter, finally looked at her sister, face tremendously horrified and scandalized. Blake remained motionless in her seat, head down on paper. Yang started to pray and decided that if she lived through this day, she’d become a monk.

“ – I want to touch you –”

Nora slowly dropped her pen on her desk and popped her head on her elbows; the dreamy look on her angelic face was evident. Oohh, fun, me likey, she thought.

“ – I want to feel you, Yaaaaang – ”

Blake gripped her pen tightly as she started scribbling ALCOHOL MUST BE BANNED. SCROLLS MUST BE BANNED. YANG XIAO LONG MUST DIE.

Yang was starting to imagine God himself. She imagined him sitting cross legged, drinking earl grey tea calmly as he watched Yang suffer from below.

“– Let me play with you – ”

“Oh my.” Pyrrha mused, placing a hand on her mouth in shock. 

Ren closed her eyes and leaned back on his seat. A hint of amusement was seen on his face for a full minute.

Jaune’s was as red as Pyrrha’s hair.

Weiss bit back a smirk of her own and looked at Blake who looked like she was ready to murder someone right off the bat.

“ – God, you’re so sexy, Yang Xiao Long, fuuuuuuuuuuuuck – ”

 The classroom was dead silent and the people from the class then and there unanimously decided that this moment mattered more than answering the bloody exam.

“Message saved to voicemail.”

No single soul in the class dared to speak. All ears were glued at the vibrating, loud, blinking gadget on the blackboard ledge. The message started its playback. 

“Yang?”

HOLY FUCK, IT’S TAI, both Yang and Blake yelled inside their heads.

“Yang, honey, I was worried for some reason so I decided to call you. You told me you’d be at an overnight trip with Blake tonight, right? Oh well, you’d better crash here first to change so your clothes would be washed and so you can pick up your overnight bag for you trip – if I may quote ‘your trip to Nirvana’. Seriously, Yang.”

Half of the class looked at Blake. Half of them looked at Yang. Professor Goodwitch looked pissed but slightly amused at the interesting turn of events.

“Oh, and please don’t exhaust yourself too much. I remember you being too sore to stand when you got home from the last trip you two had.”

Ruby reached over the space between the seats to cover Penny’s ears.

“Penny, you’re too innocent,”

“Oh, Ruby, it’s fi –”

“Penny, no.”

Sun could not take it anymore so he let out a loud parade of laughter. So did Neptune. The pen Blake was holding broke into two.

And Yang, the cause of all this, started writing her last will and testament out of haste.

 “I hope you and Blake will have a good time tonight, little dragon!”

 There was another beep, signaling the end of the message and then the gadget fell silent.

In that moment, Yang swore she felt her soul finally leave her body.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 5

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star- dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Hanna-Barbera present Hillbilly Bears - "Woodpecked" *To stop Maw from nagging his lazy ass, Paw hatches a plan that involves hooking two woodpeckers up, only it backfires, when their screwing reproduces.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "The Robot versus The Aztec Mummy" *Bring me the head of Montezuma, and make it snappy. MOOVVIIEE SIGGGGNNNNN!* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Scare Tactics: ---- *Gorilla with a Fist: A slacker goes apeshit during an animal rights activist holdup at a crazy testing lab.* 2 1/2 stars

Anger Mis-Management: Aggression therapy gone wrong.* 2 stars

Fear Antics - The Mandroid: An idiot is convinced to act like a robot and wishes he hadn't when a slow thinking human goes crazy with a crowbar.* 3 stars

World's Scariest Flowers/Smell of Fear: A stalker's special delivery.* 3 stars

----

I'm Alan Partridge: The Talented Mr. Alan *"I was repellant, to women, for two years."* 3 stars

The Prisoner -- 1967 - 1968 -- "Arrival" *A Brit spy awakens in a sickly serene and isolated village from which there is no escape or cerebral evasion.* 3 stars

Shock 'Em Dead (Traci Lords) *A pizza slicin', and always being picked on, poindexter succumbs to the temptation of glowing green goo voodoo in order to become a 'rock god' in a prissy 80's hair-band.* 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Judy Miller Come On Down *A bitchy yuppy's boulevard of boring dreams.* 1/2 a star *Gameshow good fortune forces a 'days of future past' visitation experience.*      2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents J.J. Ambrams "Lost" (pilot episode) *"When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without, and zero stars for the vomit vision use of shaking camera

Hanna-Barbera present Jonny Quest: Arctic Splashdown *The team travel to the North Pole to play around with whales, seals, walruses, and the coca cola polar bears. They also try to stop a Ruskie submarine crew from tampering with a crashed, in the ice, rocket.* 3 stars

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" *I was a stubborn human, refusing to give "Rise" a fair chance. I wanted humans, in ape costumes, acting ape. "Dawn" is smarter, and more well made, than any modern "Apes" movie has any right to be. Also, the scene where the villain ape rides horseback, through flames, firing twin machine-guns, during an all out ape-assault, on the human stronghold fortress is the most fun, and satisfying, thing that I've seen, in one of these "Apes" movies, since I first witnessed apes, on horseback, net a fleeing savage-human in the Charlton Heston' "Apes" classic.* 3 stars

Stargate -- Atlantis: "Rising" *Cracking through the ice to find the ancient city of the 'Gate Builders.' Genetically dialing into the unknown. Angels with ugly appetites.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Die, Zombie, Die... Again *Zombie Groundhog Day* 1 star

The Mothman Prophecies *An "It's A Wonderful Life" George Bailey type sad-sack goes chasing a shadowy figure through his own personal Unsolved Mysteries story.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Paranormal Activity" 2007 *Uninspired. for the immature,'shock' end similar to those trick internet videos where a Linda Blair face pops up and screeches when you're staring at something bland for a while.so uncreative that it's more of a threat to the art of filmmaking than digital piracy.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Swamp Thing: Spirit of the Swamp *Green thumb for a black rose.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Challenge of the Wizards *A wacky race, on horseback and roadwarrior vehicles, through a destroyed sin city, for the prize of the ultimate wizard's helmet.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow: "Pink Cupcakes" *Small screen jealousy. Picnic poisoning attempt. Girl with a goober gynecological visit. Gay bar American Psycho. Strongman finger torture. Missing maid's daughter. Lobster Boy looking for true love. Morbidity fame dreams. More David Bowie.* 3 stars

Bob Clampett's "Beany and Cecil" 1962 *"Your obedient serpent" a cartoon dragon handpuppet searches for a treasure in goldfish, solves an illegal eagle's bald shame, and screws up looking after the taco bell dog. Complete with commercials for Chatty Cathy, Matty Mattel, and Casper dolls, along with a Beany toy helicopter hat, plus the kid from 'Lost in Space' gets his own Dick Tracy official snub-nose revolver and tommy-gun (so realistic, modern parents' groups would be up in arms, ha.)* 3 stars

Silent Hill: Revelation *Ned Stark, and his bastard, try to protect Alice from underland. Flawed, but a better frightmare than its cousin series, Resident Evil.* 2 stars

Dr. Caligari 1989 *New-Wave Psycho-Sexual DADA Expressionism* 3 stars

Max Headroom --pilot episode-- "Blipverts" *Network 23's hotshot reporter is serious about getting a story, even if the higher ups are willing to snuff him out to stop it. That story being that subliminal sales messages cause slovenly viewers to suddenly 'splode.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "Mad Monster" *Long in the tooth, and low on thrills, tale of a lobo named Petro.* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Amityville 2: The Possession *Building on burial ground. Basement from hell. Blasphemy. Bad ideas coming from the voice in the headphones. Big, mean daddy. Bad parenting. Beating the kids. Blessing a bloody bed. Bellybutton penetration. Body horror. Bad touch with sister. Blue confession. Black mood birthday. Bullets for loved ones. Batshit defense in court. Bureaucracy of the church. Boy saved by sacrifice. Being forsaken.* 3 stars

Heart She Hollers: And So It Begends *The "Boss" of a grotesque backwoods town tries to continue to micro-manage from beyond via a surreal video-will and his idiot son that he kept secretly bricked up until now.* 2 1/2 stars

"Born Innocent" (Linda Blair) *Cold, mechanical 'justice' for juveniles. Few caring influences. Peers that are jealous hurtful monsters. Disinterested or damaging parental figures. Yearning and underdeveloped 'wards' of whoever is forced to deal with them, and it's unfortunately a system drained of any constructive compassion or intelligent humanity.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: *Zombie Baby: The crew think they have a great idea, a zombie baby (rolls eyes). And they keep screwing up the gross birth scene and nervous kiss scene.* 1 star *Stunt-Double: The chubby mama's boy can't be thrown out of a window, so... a black guy has to take the plunge, instead.* 1 star

The Walking Dead: Self Help *Abraham scares people. He scares his family into fleeing from him, in a flashback, resulting in their deaths. He's about to commit suicide when he meets Eugene and finds his new purpose in life. Eugene needs to watch Abraham and Rosita have sex. He also needs people to believe he's smart. It's been tearing at him and he must confess his dark secret, but this might tear Abraham, and everyone else in the group, apart.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues --pilot episode-- "Station" *Happy go lucky until it gets heavy and hits with a hard left hook.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In: The New Kids *Two orphaned army brats go to live at their uncle's rundown carnival/petting zoo in backwoods Florida where a gang of good ole boys (lead by a creepy James Spader), who won't take no for an answer, decide to make their lives a living hell. Hicksploitation from the creator of the original Friday the 13th.*3stars

William Friedkin's "The Guardian" *A wood nymph (is that what she is?) who frolics & forest bathes nude. A killer tree, like  from Evil Dead, that rips people apart. Fairytale like wolves devouring human flesh. Nice modern architectured home. Beautiful wind cinematography like an Andrei Tarkovsky film. Skinemax levels of eroticism. Hansel & Gretel. Hand That Rocked the Cradle. Jeep Wrangler to the rescue. A little ham-fisted. Fun gore fx.* 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: Legacy of Terror *For a year, Erik Estrada's character, PEPE, gets to hangout in a high-end hotel, play a flute, and be pawed over by beautiful blondes. That is if he willingly sacrifices his heart to an Aztec mummy. The fifth sacrifice in an every fifty two year ritual where the heroic are skewered so the blood god will someday rise again.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi's "Darkman" *Liam Neeson channels Lon Chaney & Boris Karloff doing Tex Avery & Chuck Jones cartoon  stunts meets a macabre moody Bruce Timm & Paul Dini cartoon story in one of the first truly good comic style movies.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Corner of the Eye *A dying priest, suffering from demonic visions, is all out of bubblegum, and patience, with his alien overlords, even though they've given him a seemingly miraculous gift.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents: The Bermuda Triangle -1978- *"Annoying sounds and boring repeatitive visuals, Bermuda Triangle, you spoil me."*  3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Adult Swim, Newsreaders: *Motorboating Dads: Bros give parental advice for sons.* 2 stars *The Negative $100,000 Question: Smug,unfunny Children's Hospital"celebrity."* zero stars

The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy *"So television is responsible!" For the problems with the youth, today, that is. Ahead of its time in pointing out how media protests groups are misguided, could be making better use of their time, and hypocritical. Though it doesn't go easy on the media, either, which is why shows like Simpsons & South Park can be such good satires.* 3 stars

"Wavelength" 1983 *Sublime, stranded and subdued Navi 'children' send out strong signals that they'd like to  unobtain our stringent hospitality in this low fi sci fi forgotten classic.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Zombie Fun Run *The town asses (Thr33 Days Dead) organize a run-from-zombies-a-thon, and the town's assclown (Ben Farley) causes one of the town's jackass mascots (a mule statue) to get ran over, leading to the town's asshole authorities going out and catching Thr33 Days Dead with their pants down and their ass hanging out when they ask them to stop being a zombie pain in the ass all over town and ban them from filming in Jas(s)per.* 2 stars

Twin Peaks: The Path to the Black Lodge *"We are all God's fools, more or less, but you will learn, as I have, the value of hate."* 3 stars

Joseph Zito & Tom Savini present "The Prowler" 1981  --Veteran's Day Movie-- *I'll be seeing you in all the old, familiar places that this heart of mine embraces... I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be slashing you... and pitchforking too...* 3 stars

Chuck Jones' "Yankee Doodle Cricket" *Call it macaroni* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Peckinpah's "The Osterman Weekend" *A cynical, Cold War, conniving version of 'The Big Chill.'* 3 stars

"Thr33 Days Dead" (Why not two e letters instead of two of the number 3? It doesn't look 'cool' and it becomes possible to mistake the title for a 'The 33 Days Dead,' at a glance.) *Plague of the 'People of Walmart'* 2 1/2 stars (It's more entertaining than Birdemic) or 1 1/2 stars (It's almost as poorly made as Birdemic) ---(((this movie is just asking to be riffed by rifftrax)))---

Scare Tactics------------ season 2 episode 6 *: A plumber's helper stumbles onto (Silence of the Lamb's) Buffalo Bill's messy bathroom secret.* 3 stars

*: "Are you kidding me, bro?... WTF, bro?..." Late night, middle of nowhere, construction site, strange cult terrorizing a bro scenario.* 2 1/2 stars

*: "You got me trippin'... I watch 'shit' on t.v." A goofy girl gets going- going- gone, when Mummyhotep begins to step.* 2 1/2 stars

*: A telekinetic tween's tantrum.* 2 stars

----------------------------------------------------

X Files ---pilot episode--- *A logical, lady FBI agent gets assigned to keep tabs on the guy, in the basement, lurking in the unexplained phenomena cases.* 3 stars

Bizarre Foods -- Ireland: Ancient Bog Butter *Waxing poetic over 3,000 year old marsh gunk.* 2 1/2 stars

A Return to Salem's Lot --1987-- *Diverges, almost entirely, from the mood and suspense of Tobe Hooper's Salem's Lot. I don't even see this as being the same Salem's Lot setting as that first tv movie. That one was quirky, to an extent, but this one is really quirky. It's a Larry Cohen style (It Lives & The Stuff) 'American Gothic' fatherhood/son struggle and a secret society / corrupt small town stake to the heart of a movie. Featuring a young Tara Reid as a Lucy Westerena type, an old bitter Jewish man as a nazi hunter turned Van Helsing, and a cultural anthropologist who ironically has to try to destroy one of the oldest fabled civilizations.* I give it between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Blood Wind *A mason jar filled with murderous moonshine mist that puts everyone in a killer rage. Mr.Butterfingers, Swamp Thing, accidentally lets the lid off of it to hilarious results. The craziest, best episode yet.* 3 stars

Farscape: DNA Mad Scientist *On a rock, covered with giant dinosaur bones, floating in a cold corner of space, a grotesque menagerie of lab workers now serve one of their experiments gone wrong. A stilt stepping, kinky outfit wearing, feline-esque Dr. Frankenstein seeks out all the best traits of every living creature, in the known universe, in order to further advance its own twisted evolution.* 3 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: Love and Power *The speculative power of computer systems versus the supreme success of global forces  like the Chinese. The desires of self superior people like Ayn Rand versus the so called weak and in need. Also, for some reason, a lot of looking back at Monica Lewinsky on her knees.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Asylum -- "Welcome to Briarcliff" *There are none so blind as those who will not willingly receive electroshock treatment and give morning confessional.* 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: A Tale of Two Dentists *Neglecting needs of his customers and wife leads to Bob losing them both, and both being  diddled by a bogus dentist & real looney known by the alias Harry Ramsbottom.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: "The Colour of Alan" *"I am happy. That may vwwewy wewwl be because I'm on morphine."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Episode 5 *A shaken teen girl, from Sin City, is seeing the scarred and strangled spirit, of a San Antonio teen girl, who died around the same age as she is during the paranormal state investigation of the situation.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's 'Kingdom Hospital' season 1 episode 2 *"Inside the skull is another universe. The strangest, scariest haunted house of them all." Or in Lars Von Trier's and Stephen King's cases, a silly sausage factory featuring surgeons with unzipped flys, creepy ice cream man demons, aardvark assassins, and candle light dinners in the morgue.* 3 stars

--- Hanna-Barbera --- Hillbilly Bears: "Modern Inconvenience" *Paw gets mangled by Maw's flirtation with the new-fangled.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Valley of the Man-Apes *To protect the village of the Lollipop Guild, a group of stinky simians must be stopped from reassembling an abandoned movie studio's animatronic King Kong.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's 'Drive-In Theater' presents "The First Power" *Another dime-a-dozen body hopping demonic serial killer thriller. Lou Diamond Phillips' idea of playing a hardboiled detective is to pass an unlit cigarette between his lips and his fingers, constantly, and to wear a heavy, black trenchcoat, during the heat of the day, in downtown Los Angeles. The Richard Ramirez type, "Pentagram Killer," has satanic powers of a super human variety. Also, a lot of side characters' stunt doubles doing unintentionally comedic acrobatics and kicks to the groin.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Women of the Prehistoric Planet *Time paradoxes. Stereotype sneaky "Japs." Toasted thunder-lizard. Rubber snake attack. Tropical set design studio setting. Rodney Dangerfield wannabe comic relief. Death by "plush toy" hopping spider on a wire. A boy, 'all alone,' named Tang. Blue Lagoon romance picnic. Red hiney monkey. Racist astronaut shoots the first minority he sees. Feel good ending where the two minority lovebirds are abandoned, by the spaceship, on a paradise planet, with an extremely active volcano and killer cavemen.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star w/out

Hanna-Barbera -- Jonny Quest: The Curse of Anubis *Hadji's Hindu whack a mole magic, flute serpent charming, and Jonny's motorscooter camel-jockey skills help stop a doomed thief from uniting the Arab world against the West via insinuation involving iconography and superstition.* 3 stars

Sam Raimi's "The Quick and the Dead" *Vengeance is mine, said the Lady to the Lord. A Sharon Stone western shouldn't work, but it does.* 3 stars

Space Rage: Breakout on Prison Planet --1985-- *There aren't any spaceships firing at each other in asteroid storms, though there is a arcade asteroids machine in a bar. This is a space frontier, corrupt penal/mining colony western. There are no laser blasters, only traditional western handguns, shotguns, and rifles. Replacing spaceships are dunebuggies. Replacing an otherworldly planet is the California desert. There's a great, constantly playing, punk-western soundtrack, and Richard Farnsworth, Michael Pare, and John Laughlin are badass as usual.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Sympathy for the Devil *Harmonica playing, mystical gem having, ageless child of evil -who needs to be and deep down wants to be put at rest.* 3 stars

Transformers: Fire in the Sky *Christmas/New-Ice-Age in July, when the Decepticon grinches try to turn the earth's core into a cold day in hell. Luckily for earth and the Autobots, an unfrozen, gigantic robot makes the right decision and sacrifices itself for its love of science and all creatures, including humanity.* 3 stars

South Park: The Magic Bush *"Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take a picture of itself."* 2 1/2 stars

Comic Book Men: Brony Con *Grumpy forty-something comic nerds attempt a Vaudeville two-man horse act at a convention for twenty-something male hipster fans of a little girls' pony cartoon.* 2 stars

Adult Swim ==off-the-air== "Seramthgin" *Nightmarishly surreal art video garbage played, mostly, in reverse.* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Going Nuclear *Citizen Z's paddle ball dexterity. Mt. Rushmore defaced. Glow in the dark zombies. Stealth until a zombie alert fart. Radiation sickness. Stopping a nuclear meltdown in the Black Hills. Twirling, Donatello-esque ninja staff that's actually a really long handled hoe. Hazmat suits & ammo. Radio controlled drone robot named Robbie who has a lazer cutter for mowing down zombies. Fueling up on vodka. Fleeing from fallout in a small aircraft and of course crashing. Citizen Z 'checks' zombiepedia (lame joke.) Zombie sign language? Murphy wearing a little girls' pink & cute spikes backpack. Zombie puppy love. What really is mercy?* 3 stars

--- Paul W.S. Anderson's "Soldier" starring Kurt Russell

*Thematically like Stallone's 'First Blood' mixed with Terminator 2 and other outerspace and post-apocalyptic genre movies.

Finger painted in the most broad, obvious, hack ways possible.

Supersoldier has never seen a pretty lady, so he daydreams about the one time he saw her nipples under her shirt.

Supersoldier is suffering ptsd, so he freaks out over Santa at Christmas party.

Supersoldier doesn't know how to deal with kids, so he tries to teach a kid to bash a poisonous snake's brains out.

Supersoldier is feeling sad for the very first time, so we zoom in close up on a tear streaming down his face.

Supersoldiers need to be tested, American Gladiator competition is orchestrated.

Married couple is getting romantic on a planet with limited supplies and garbage everywhere, hundreds of lit candles love scene.

Thin mustached military commander villain's gotcha moment is pissing down his pants leg in fear...*

1 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Stepfather" *There were no real Freddy Kruegers running around in suburbia, in the 80s, but there were actually psychos like this. A Fox News fan type dad is a little too into 50s era family "perfection," and when things don't go his way, he heads down to the basement to beat on his workbench with a hammer, and when he can't take it anymore, he heads upstairs and bangs on the family with the hammer. When he's done there, he catfishes the "perfect" next family.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Cupid's Quiver *When you're skeezy, it's love made easy. The poor, wretched bastard, in this one, oozes, and then drips desperation from his every pore.* 3 stars

ABC's Selfie: A Little Yelp From My Friends *I expected this to be another obnoxious sitcom like Big Bang Theory or 2 Broke Girls, but it's more like Ally McBeal. A real bait and switch. The topic as it has been thrown out there in the media would make one think it would be about a total social media whore with constant references to current social pop culture, but it's really more of a show about a pathetic weirdo and her bizarre, unsocial behavior, and the one genuine person (Harold from Harold & Kumar) who actually cares about helping her cross that bridge back into the real world.* 2 1/2 stars

E! Total Divas: The Double Cross *One diva trades her vibrator for a date with an NFL hunk. Another diva gets jealous when her man's (pro wrestler John Cena) ass is going to be shown in a movie love scene. Also, at a movie premier for a comedy flick, starring the twin divas, the big muscled pro-wrestler puts on a blue monkey suit, and the butt and breast implant diva, along with her man, sit stoned-faced during a supposedly funny scene. Odd and insipid reality show trash.* zero stars

MTV's True Life: I Have A Strange Phobia *One Italian-American young man can't even pee in a public restroom. He has to get in his car, get on the freeway, and drive all the way home and scrub the toilet with cleaner and antibacterial products before the act. (Why not pee outside, in public, behind a dumpster or building or car? It's not really polite behavior, but it would save the trouble of going home and cleaning. And, why not just aim really well when you pee at  home or not care if you pee on the seat?) The next, unfortunate, case is about a young woman who is deathly afraid of pigeons. I think there's some other attention issues there, or maybe a bit of deceit going on where the girl just wanted to get on MTV.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -- Murder House -- "Murder House" *As much a love letter to true crime history of Los Angeles as it is a ghost story. And the haunted people and haunts themselves have more personality and poignancy than most ghost stories.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Under the Bed *A child psychologist struggles with a cryptozoology related child abduction.* 2 1/2 stars

The Walking Dead: Consumed *Getting the drop on crash test dummies.* 3 stars

Adult Swim --fake infomercials-- "Smart Pipe" *Taking smartphone app use to its inevitable pinnacle by having the waste management of the world's pipes turned into an opportunity to scan shit and then use that information to in turn sale more shit to the masses.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Sheriff-in-Law *Daddy don't come around here anymore, and we're all glad he doesn't.*3 stars

MTV's "Slednecks" episode b (b because the "writers" were lazy) *Bros go Go-Go dancing. 4 wheel drive pickup truck versus airboat in a tug o war match. Drunk skanks pissing in the snow. Feeding buttered toast to the wildlife. Tundra wookies at tha club. You know, typical Alaska stuff. Saddening that this kind of stupidity is going on in one of the last frontiers. I've never more wanted a moose to kill someone since back in the day when Fox would air those 'When Animals Attack' videos.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow -- "Bullseye" *Desert butterflies* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones --Season 3-- Episode 2-- *Lions, piggies, crows, wolves, and a hound.* 3 stars

USA network's --Chrisley Knows Best-- "Jugs and Ammo" *Boob cake for 100 dollars. Boob job for your daughter 30,000 dollars. Protecting your sixteen year old beauty pageant girl's "vag of honor" untold dollars. Making  your redneck son-in-law uncomfortable because he thinks that you're a closet homosexual is priceless.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

Animal Planet's --Finding Bigfoot-- "Turtleman's Bigfoot" *for some unknown reason, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and 30 Rock's "Bobo" travel to Kentucky to holler hunt a primate with Jim Varney's nephew Ernie the "Turtle Man."* 2 stars

rifftrax presents The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers *Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Adult Swim -- "Too Many Cooks" *Never ending 80s tv theme song intro video parody turned massacre.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Knightly Murders *Balefully back, from the Black Ages, with a big axe to grind.* 2 1/2 stars

Gargoyles: Temptation *Goliath's former piece-of-tail tries to put him back under her spell.* 3 stars

Stargate --Atlantis-- "Hide and Seek" *You're not yourself when you're hungry, or an energy entity. Eat a Snickers, and be like Doug Flutie.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Babadook" *Illustrating one's insecurities into isolation, insomnia, and insanity.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Saturday Night Special *Yuppy dating schemes and dreams come apart at the seams.* 1 1/2 stars *Springwood beautification project leaves a plain jane feeling numb.* 2 stars

South Park: Freemium isn't Free *Temptation. Addiction. Boring Gaming. Gambling. Micro-Transactions. Trendy drinking. Denial drinking. Pussy advertising. The Prince of Canada. The Canadian Devil.* 2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Loved to Death *More than a minute of seeing man-sized-shaped Mariel Hemingway in lingerie is like an eternity in hell.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In presents "Night Angel" *So bad it's good, succubus-slasher softcore-skinemax-style flick.* 1 1/2 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Courtin' Disaster *Haltin' hatin' the Hoppers, like they's was Hatfields, in hopes of havin' Hottiebear hitched.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics --Season 2-- episode 7 *Meat locker scab wishes he hadn't swept the salt off the floor after he meets the one armed mangler who had the job before.* 2 stars *"Pretty big, probably around 5 foot 9 or 6 foot 2" webcam show babehouse psycho slasher that ruins a horny, dumb guy's first night on the peep job.* 3-stars *Digging a hole, in the desert, for a lazy mobster.* 2 stars *Poltergeist -heather o'rourke- style closet scare* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State season 1 episode 6 *This haunted place is for the dogs...* 3 stars

"Intruders" CBS 1992 *Abductee: I was taken aboard a spaceship, by little grey men, and experimented on. / Psychologist: No, you were molested, in a barn, by your cousin.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow -- "Test of Strength" *"Come as you are" as ruined by the folks from GLEE. Strong Man vs. Amazon Lady. You're my dad, dad. Earl (Dell) had to die - Carnival Dixie Chix. Two-Headed blackmail. Dreadful Penny. Penny's dreadful dad. Tattoo nightmare. Dandy not feeling dandy.  Surgeon suicide. Blonde ambition makeover.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Hand *"Eat, drink, and be merry. Tomorrow, you die." Then, it's all fingerwalking on the darkside, you dig?* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

Jonny Quest: Pursuit of the Po-Ho *Lost tribe lunar sacrifice lunacy.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Grotesquery *A case of toxic swamp ass lands ST in a two-bit big top, where it's all soggy tater chips and being caged while being poked with a stick with the rest of the misbegotten misfits.* 2 stars

"The Shuttered Room" 1967 *Hostile Arkham homecoming. Where the isolated islanders hold strong to ignorant superstition, when they're not trying to tear someone to shreds.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Sisters of Mercy *Survivors of a Utah Mormon "sisters wives" style society form a militant lesbian ladies only cult. No "Ah, not the bees!" moment or bearsuit disguise, but similar to Nic Cage's predicament. Story focuses on the two least interesting characters, the crazy redhead chick and her wannabe boyfriend, and not enough Murphy moments, though his getting "pie" scene is hilarious. False advertisement with the unfortunately underused zombie bear. I was hoping that it would maul the Sisters of Mercy.* 2 stars

Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead *A Home Alone orphan vigilante brat and a Grace Jones / Pam Grier -esque kung fu sista join Reggie to fight Return of the Living Dead style zombies with attitude. The actors playing Mike & Jody almost seem out of place in their own series, but Reggie excels in a more Sam Raimi plus Bruce Campbell horror-comedy environment. I think I figured out who the Tall Man is supposed to represent, Sam Walton, the founder of WalMart.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Stalker from the Stars *It twas a simple sinus sniffle twitch kill't the strigoli at that snowy eskimo carnival.* 3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Heavy Metal Queen *ride the lightning and chase the thunder with a prairie oyster.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: The Chimes of Big Ben *There's not enough hours in the day to sail away. So, pick up a required hobby.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Rakers *Taking a stand against mindless television violence with a sport of "refined aggression." Risking everything professionally for a personal bond of obligation with an estranged and wreckless loved one.* 2 1/2 stars

Larry Cohen's "The Ambulance" 1990 starring Eric Roberts *A sinister old school style ambulance stalks the streets of NYC picking up sick people and then not taking them to the hospital but instead to an insane doctor who experiments on them and sells them to shady medical labs. Spooky.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Adult Swim's "Sit Down and Shut Up" --pilot episode-- *animated with the whimsy of nickelodeon or cartoon network kids cartoons but with the right amount of offensive humor for the slacker 3am audience.* 2 stars

SyFy's "Ascension" --preview-- 'Building the World' *Nice to see SyFy actually spending some money on a show's elaborate production.* 3 stars

CMT's "Redneck Island" Dec 2014 -season preview-

with host "Stone Cold" Steve Austin *"I wouldn't even introduce you to my dawg! MY DAWG, YA HEAR!"* 1 star

Hill Street Blues: Presidential Fever *A matter of pride. Two partners struggle with the distance between each other after being shot on duty. An undercover gets 'ruff' with rape suspects. Lady attorney holds her own with police chief lover. Gangleaders precinct meeting to hold a truce during Presidential visit. NYPD Blue's David Caruso as a top-hat wearing Irish gangbanger. Hick cop hassles the wrong barrio & almost goes vigilante to heal a wounded ego.* 3 stars

"Open House" 1987 starring Adrienne Barbeau *John Tesh is trying to reason with a rabid dog when Charles Bronson walks up and shoots it between the ears. Los Angeles, the land of broken dreams. there's only so many options for the down on their luck to vent. one is to call in crazy to the talk radio stations. another is to act like an obnoxious slob. then, there's the nutbags who'd like to find absurdly creative ways to kill the chippy sales people of that broken dream.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye *Slight fever in the Swiss Alps, with cyclops brainball tentacle aliens who like things frigid and hate telepaths.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

X Files: Deep Throat *Aim high, in the Air Force, and be an alien spacecraft test pilot. Side effects may not be worth it. It's 2 the xtreme, says 90s stoner, Seth Green.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Dark Matters *Melodramatic ghost brother space catastrophe* 2 stars

Michael Crichton's "Runaway" 1984 starring Tom Selleck *Jargon, jargon, household robots gone haywire. Jargon, jargon, science dept. mustache cop. Jargon, jargon, spider assassin robots. Jargon, jargon, Gene Simmons techno-terrorist. Jargon, jargon, magic heat-seeking bullets. Jargon, jargon, vertigo-tinged thriller climax.* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Steel and Lace" *Willard's Bruce Davison creates a cyborg out of his sister, Shannon Tweed (Gene Simmons' long-time girlfriend), years after her suicide resulting from a non-conviction for a group of corporate buddies who raped her in an alley. The sexy cyborg seduces then performs gruesome fatalities on the slimeballs.*  stars 2 1/2

Freddy's Nightmares: Sister's Keeper *Freddy turns the twin daughters, of the cop who was a thorn in his side in life, against each other.* 2 stars *Freddy is determined to make one of the twins an only child.* 2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "Vampire Circus" 1972 *A morose quarantine livened with a sanguinary shadow puppet sex show.*  stars 3

American Horror Story -Asylum- "Tricks and Treats" *Sticky caramel on the mossy banks of a Stygian river.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Brave Alan *"The worth of boast worlds."* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: A Night In *Boring and barren, but better off than the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: The Use and Abuse of Vegetational Concepts *make like a tree and be a leaf / a cog in the machine or don't because it's a false belief.* 3 stars

"Dreamscape" 1984 *David Patrick Kelly is a creepier dream demon than Robert Englund.* 3 stars

South Park: Grounded Vindaloop *The boys try to figure out which one of them is actually stuck in virtual reality limbo. Real world Butters is cutely portrayed.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Hybrid to Hell *"Hawt Rawkin' Santy Claus in a bubble globe."* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Natural Enemy *ST beats science to the punch, when he swats and splats Beelzebub.* 2 stars

--- Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 9

*Party van fails to take police warning and runs into vampire bikers on a desert highway.* 3 stars

*Hysterical hissie over a hybrid dwarf-critter.* 3 stars

*"You ever step on a landmine, before?" nervous and shaken response "Nah, I'm from Cleveland." 2 1/2 stars

*The show's new host, a Baldwin brother, is traumatized when he's not recognized after shedding the disguise of a scary mob boss.*

1 1/2 stars

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Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 7 *A cemetery caretaker stews and his wife claims to suffer after sticking in a hole, and covering with cement, an urn of unclaimed cremated remains that had sat on their shelf for years.* 2 stars

Insidious: Chapter 2 *That's not my husband. That's the spirit of a crossdressing serial killer. Again with the Ed Gein/Norman Bates mommy issues killer and somehow crossed with the crazy killer dad -like the Shining. Also, I could do without the lame antics and shaking camera  ghosthunting of the two paranormal hipster nerds. Still, I very much enjoy the eerie astral projection limbo world.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: A Cup of Time *Old age is wasting the youth, when youth aren't wise enough not to drink from its cup.* 2 stars

The Walking Dead: Crossed *Rick Grimes used to be a cop. Emphasis on used to be. Now, he's cold blooded. Come to think of it, then again...* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Halloween" *"find my nest of salt, everything is my fault... choking on the ashes of our enemies..."* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dead Right *It's a given that grotesque Jeffrey Tambor will gore gorgeous gold-digger Demi Moore.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes *"A cockeyed nightmare or a nighteyed cockmare?!"* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Tex Avery's "Jerky Turkey" 1945 *"Don't eat at Joe's"* 2 1/2 stars

"Thankskilling" 2009 *"No more pumpkin pie, no more cranberry sauce, just turkey..."* 1 star

Twin Peaks: Miss Twin Peaks *Which way to the castle? Where there's a key, there's always a lock. Fear and love open the door.* 3 stars

"Dreamchild" 1985 (with Jim Henson creature shop puppetry) *Ian Holm makes a better Jack from the Titanic, for Alice in Wonderland's  elderly Alice, than Leo DiCaprio ever could. Also, Peter Gallagher is certainly more charming than Billy Zane. He's more of a sly weasel too.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones -Season 3 -episode 3 *"In the grave, there are no masters."* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Posed for Murder"

with special guest host Elvira *A generic softcore thriller about an adult magazine centerfold being stalked by a psychotic motorcycle glove and every meathead who wants to screw her. It's one of those bad movies where the lyrics of the songs, playing throughout, sync up with the on screen stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Cutting Cards *Compulsive rivals go head to head til the last stump standing.* 2 1/2 stars

"Paradise" 1982 *A very Biblical man, Willie Aames, watches his parents get murdered by bandits, then flees and gets stranded with a beautiful maiden, Phoebe Cates, in a desert/tropical oasis where he sneaks peeks at her sinful nudity, tries to keep a chimpanzee from self pleasuring, destroys dirty medical texts, and tries to keep an Arab jackal from stealing his woman and deflowering her.* 2 stars

Farscape: They've Got A Secret *Space whale calf care is killing the crew, and crossbreeding with the empire's clone troopers is strictly forbidden and must remain emotionally hidden.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Waltz for Venus *Lacking one quality but heightening another's fluidity.* 3 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Stranger than Friction *monkeying around with hospitality can get ya head blown't off* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Murphy's Law *Every ridiculous thing this show tries to do somehow works. Drug addicted zombies, check. Viagra sex zombies, check. Murphy having telepathic control over the infected, check. The most surprisingly effective show of the year. Each new episode is something new. Rarely boring or stagnant in an all too boring and stagnant apocalyptic / zombie / survival horror genre.* 2 1/2 stars

"Walking Tall" 1973 *Landmark hicksploitation with Buford on par with Leatherface in terms of legend. A yarn that satisfies in its visceral exaltation of justice, while still having enough subtext about the road of revenge being a ragged one.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Youth Killer *sucking the life out of the singles scene* 3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear presents

"Fright Night" 1980s version -------------------------------

*Necking with your girl while watching late night vampire horror hosted by a faux vampire slayer from such movies.

USA network has the world's hottest show 'Baywatch' five nights a week.

For the girls of paradise call 431 Girl at 2.50$ a minute.

Psychic Talk USA... are you astounded?

La Femme Nikita, Sunday Nights on USA the cure for the common show and the common boner.

Has your neighbor committed homicide? this horror obsessed kid thinks so.

Having a horrific mental breakdown? don't turn to the town Beavis for understanding.

99cent psychic encounters. It sounds dangerous. But damn affordable. 800 Predict. I predict that if you call, you'll be out 99cents.

Rhonda is at her wedding reception, where she's trying out two potential hubbies. One is a morose long haired artsy guy and the other is a big, fat cowboy with his big, fat mama who thinks that Rhonda has child bearing hips enough to produce fifteen younguns

"Someone knows their secret." I Know What You Did Last Summer, now playing in theaters everywhere.

back to the ‘’up all nite’’ movie,

the fearless vampire slayer gets fired from his job and vents on his hatred for 80s slasher monsters like Jason.

Apparently vampires yawn in the evening and are groggy when they take phone calls.

Stephen King's "Thinner" available now at videostores everywhere.

You never thought it possible, the Motorola Wordline Pager with streaming text updates  in the palm of your hand in black and grey text. It will never  get more advanced than this, says the 90s business professional yuppy.

No rules, no ring,  no exit, and not place to hide 'Fighting Force' for the playstation.

The legend is here, the time is now, Chuck Norris is Walker Texas Ranger, weeknights on USA.

I'm all alone pick up the phone, sluts are standing by on another phone sex commercial.

Macho Man says REST IN PEACE and SNAP INTO A Slim Jim, OH YEAH! Halloween Havoc, Dig it!

Peter Vincent is like the Alan Partridge of the occult.

What do you do when a David Bowie type douche wants to do your girlfriend?

Hollywood's hottest stuntmen use bodyheat activated degree deodorant.

USA's Sunday Night Heat with Pacific Blue, Silk Stalkings, and The Big Easy. Turn it on and turn it up.

I miss sleazy USA network programming.

Magic the Gathering, all you need is a brain, a deck, and a friend, and an intact virginity.

Rhonda is a  runaway bride when she realizes she doesn't have to be married to shop.*

3 stars

-----------------------------------------

Gargoyles: Deadly Force *"Movies, television, videogames...(sigh) it's hard to tell what's real anymore." A lesson about how our culture ignores the real drama of the consequences of gunplay.* 3 stars

Stargate - Atlantis - "Thirty Eight Minutes" *The perils of dealing with stubborn parasites, wormhole constipations, lifeboat malfunctions, and bruised egos.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital" -season 1 -episode 3 *Solid cold oldies* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Conversion *The future's not ours, you see...* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Body Banks *Eternal sunshine of the sober mind that refuses to sell out to corporate swine who think they can harvest the poor & healthy in order to buy more time.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: 'Til Death *Fated to the fetid* 2 stars

Swamp Thing: Treasure *Little Jim has a long lost relative dying on his bathroom floor, a Swamp Thing trapped in his attic unable to sneak away, and an evil blonde beauty who wants to shoot him, or his mom, with a small pistol -if he doesn't cough up the location of stolen money  hidden in a junkpile out in the swamp.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Riddle of the Gold *The smite of the tiger.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 10 -------------------

*Cleaning the ham bones out of a creep's croc pond.* 2 1/2 stars

*Maids stumble onto a bloody, and active, crime scene.* 2 stars

*A ladies man looks at the wrong farmer's naked daughter.* 3 stars

*Carny folk forget and leave a horned dwarf troll in the walls of a rental home.* 2 1/2 stars

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Roger Corman presents "Streets" 1990 *For skid row kids, like Christina Applegate's homeless teenage prostitute character,  it's a symbiotic game of staying ahead, and also in reach, of their constant pursuers  and abusers, but sometimes the bleak circumstances highlighting the literal dead ends  make it even more painful if a glimmer of hope happens to also be there.* 3 stars

American Horror Story - Asylum - "Nor'Easter" *Pontius Pilate wept at the end of E.T.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 8 *Remodeling the home of a early 20th century sawbones stirs spirits.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Blood, Sweat, and Tears *stretching thinly to feel the burn and avoid the fine line of permanent injury in the process of healthy activity and friendly civility* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Never Say Alan Again *pass the Sunny D and STOP TALKING ABOUT AMERICAN THINGS!* 3 stars

X Files: Squeeze *Spooky versus mutie (aka mutant).* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Coda *Rick Grimes drives a hard bargain, but compromises and evasively dangerous behavioral maneuvers, of others involved, put everyone back on the road of loss.* 3 stars

House 3: The Horror Show -1989- *"An electricity of evil." Lance Henriksen is a straight current running parallel to an unsteady moronic shocker.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Mother's Day *You gotta fight or flight for your right to party with Fredddy.* 2 1/2 stars *Weepy Wendy can't get any affectionate attention from her radio shrink mom, a seriously Selfish Sherry.* 2 1/2 stars

Ultimate Scooters: Featuring the Hot Wheels Shocker -2000- *Video time capsule documenting how turn of the 21st century bro-men took to the streets, with tots, riding toy scooters.* 1 star

Popeye the Sailor Man: ----------

*Me Musical Nephews: Runts rockabye a restless Popeye.* headache inducing zero stars

*Spooky Swabs: Ghostly mutiny.* 3 stars

*Patriotic Popeye: Safe n' sane U.S. n' A. holiday or party explosives?* 2 stars

*Ancient Fistory: Disney Princess Cinderfella Queer Eye for the Popeye.* 2 stars

*Taxi-Turvy: Scat cab skidoo.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------

Fleischer Studios presents Betty Boop: -------------------------

*Betty Boop's Crazy Inventions: Spunky sales pitch for quirky products.* 3 stars

*and the Little King: Calamity Betty* 2 1/2 stars

*Pudgy in Ding Dong Doggie: Hot doggy, Betty spank.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grampy in the Candid Candidate: Mayoral mishap calls for thinking cap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Language All My Own: Betty is super kawaii in the land of the rising sun.* 2 stars

*Grampy's Indoor Outing: homemade carnival play on a rainy day.* 2 1/2 stars

*Little Nobody: Stuck up pup and a blue ribbon baywatch doggy strut.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adult Swim --off the air-- "Worship" *vacation bible surreal* 2 stars

Squidbillies 96: How did my worm get in your taco? *Early en Espanol, an all american buttthole.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: The Bathroom Boys *Dragging the viewer into the toilet with the non-humor painful shits & giggles of Tim, Eric, Zach Galifianakis and surprise guest, the beautiful, cleaned, and dolled up Maggie from the Walking Dead.* between zero and 1 star

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Portal into Time *Apple 2 defender of the Alamo. Beastmaster 2 culture shock. Thundarr, Ariel, Ookla are  Earth's mightiest Avengers. Volkswagen Beetle dragon. Ookla, a cookie monster. An escalator can never be broken, it can only become stairs, so said Mitch Hedberg. Terminator 2 style skynet tech heist. Finally, a first ever victory at the Alamo.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Politics as Usual *Bribery. blackmail. backstabbing. bargaining courts. boo-hooing. barking like a dog. busted. buttcheeks and butthole search. bathing lovemaking. break up.* 3 stars

Burn, Baby, Burn: Riots and Violence in the Modern World *unabashed ugliness* 1 star

Victor Salva's "The Nature of the Beast" 1995 starring Lance Henriksen & Eric Roberts-- *A serial killer plus a casino riches thief, both on the run, find homogeneity on a lost stretch of desert highway.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 9 *a spirit is shattering and nudging (the babypowder test, "thrilling") wine glasses in a, struggling to survive, sports bar.* 1/2 a star

The Outer Limits: Quality of Mercy *Hogan's Heroes meets Enemy Mine with an M. Night twist.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Jamming with Edward *A self activated spy sattelite is sad & lonely and so is a spunky hacker.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: New Acquaintance *Jim brings home a misunderstood stray, and ST resurrects a rabbit.* 2 1/2 stars

Shaw Brothers: Iron Chain Fighter (aka Assassin) *There are no bonds that chop sockey can't break.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 4 *Climbing and falling. Losing a hand. Handing over a legacy. Protecting the virtue of an innocent. Hungering for insurrection. Dispensing the light of justice. Burning a path for freedom.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: HELLOWE'EEN *The awful uncle seeks offal flesh to slip into back to life.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Three's A Crowd *cuckold anniversary surprise* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Piggy Piggy" *Growing pains. Raw brains. Oinking angst.* 2 1/2 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: "The Monkey in the Machine and the Machine in the Monkey" *We humans are something like a phenomenon or perhaps maybe an automaton.* 3 stars

"Beyond the Black Rainbow" --2010-- *Timothy Leary has gone too far this time.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 11 ---------------

*Family killer in a scarecrow disguise puts a young carpenter in concern.* 2 stars

*Gold chain necklace wearing "Dr. Jeff" doesn't want his "molecules heated up" in a mad scientist's The Fly -esque matter transport experiment.* 2 1/2 stars

*A greaseball is hired to clean up "red wine" stains for a Sopranos sausage and refuses to wear a wire for an undercover sting.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fear Antics: A wannabe actor, in a slasher prank, gets pushed over the edge.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: Season 1 -episode 10 *A Native American coyote spirit / chaos critter is an unwanted housepest, for a rural Maine mom & visiting daughter, when its vortex in the backyard is disturbed. So, the team calls in some Native elders to do a ritual at the rocks around a hole on the property, and Christian psychic medium Chip Coffey tells the howling haunt to hit the road.* 2 1/2 stars

[christinemaries]

wednesday

hi Wednesday. I’m lacking creative thought to create an official blog post title for my journal or diary entries. I guess that’s what an online blog is. Doug, a man at Pioneer Village in his 70s maybe, a volunteer and dedicated supporter of the café inspired me a bit today. The book I am reading inspired me too. He said there’s people who have made books just observing what they saw walking up the street everyday. There’s people who have books telling their daily lives and perspectives. This will turn into a book someday, the lady, Julia of the book I’m currently reading, is writing a journal about writer’s block which becomes a book as a result. Wow I used book a lot in that sentence. Doug also inspired me to track my finances and sort them into categories on the computer so I can generate reports. Online banking tells you the amount you spent but it doesn’t tell you what you spent the money on. That’s a smart idea and I feel like rich people use that strategy and know exactly what they are spending their money on. I skipped out on buying coffee today and went straight for a nice back workout. I can really see some lines developing and it makes me feel so good. I’m not doing much cardio anymore but weight lifting and adding in bursts of booging/jumping jacks is sufficing as well as totally acceptable in a gym environment so whenever a good song comes on I tend to dance. I also noticed when a song comes on I’m more interested in whistling or singing the song instead of focusing on lifting. I don’t bring my phone into the gym anymore and I’m not even sure of my ipod’s location at the moment. I made earl grey shortbread at work which tasted very much earl grey, so delicious. They are definitely a milk dunking cookie. I had to rip open the tea bags and pulse them in a spice mixer machine. Mitchell helped spread in the butter and was surprised how good they were. I also made walnut chocolate chip cookies which dough I could not resist. There weren’t too many customers today so I had time to take a long break. Mitchell helped me with my lunch which Bob the supervisor said was an easy way of getting out of packing a lunch. Mitchell just kind of takes over which I’m honestly ok with because he made amazing soft boiled eggs and introduced me to steamed kale. He likes things salty and spicy though which I could do without. Nonetheless it was delicious and we took an hour break outside at the picnic table in the fresh air. He kind of made me feel behind today of course nonintentionally. I just feel like I would like to specialize in something and be succeeding in it. I'm not sure what the subject is, for example his is cooking, and that makes me a bit anxious. I have tapped into a variety of subjects just never had “luck” or the right opportunity yet. I hold faith that the right thing will come along. Today a man asked me what type of tree one was which I did not know but would have liked to. A lady commented to her curious boys that I was knowledgeable about Pioneer Village so that’s nice. I had a deep moment with a squirrel who I’m fairly sure would have come over to the picnic table if I’d been along. He gazed at me for a long time. After work I stopped into the humane society which is on the way home. I’m glad I didn’t go there when I was feeling down. It is an emotional place. First I looked at the cats, some sleeping, some aware of me, some interested in attention and purring and some clearly giving zero fucks at all at another curious set of eyes. There was one cat that was very sweet from behind the bars with a bunny tail. Some of the cats had been in there since June which made me a bit sad. I hope they don’t have to spend longer than a couple months until a suitable loving home comes along. I would love a cat but the unstable income, rowdy dogs and less than ideal location makes for it wishful thinking. I do really love cats and always want to pet them when I see them. Moreso than dogs making me a cat person I suppose. Someday I’d like a country property with a couple cats that are free to roam. I looked at the guinea pigs who were making squeaking sounds and enjoying parsley from one of the workers or volunteers. I saw the bunnies big floppy bunnies. One who was sniffing curiously at me. I went and saw the dogs but the smell was foul and their kennels were small. They were quiet for the most part and probably tired for the day. At least a couple was hanging out with one of them and a lady was at the counter perhaps in an adoption process. There was also budgies. I had to say to myself be right back gotta go cry and I left, hopeful that the business man walking into the society as I was pulling out was going to adopt. I’d love to take the responsibility and find them loving homes or provide them loving homes. Gah. Not worth getting defeated by. I got home to Daddy and we chit chatted a lot about business and nutrition. I showed him pretty smoothie bowls and nutrient packed dinner/lunch bowls. Then I went to the barn to ride Tex. He was a bit of a brat passing a gate off it’s hinges but he enjoyed his carrot. We worked in the grass ring which I love and it was such a great temperature for riding. I got to wear my new vest, the one with the lollipops (which weren’t that tasty!) We worked on bending and I tried riding him in a frame as much as possible. I love a long loose canter as much as I love actually “riding” him and working him at his best. The hackamore is really neat and works just as well as the halter did. For awhile I had an audience. It was a peaceful time and totally keeps me present though I sometimes have previous riding I’ve done flashbacks. His second partboarder, Cindy arrived a bit shocked. I’d only ridden Tex for just over half an hour so handed him to her so she could enjoy a ride too. It was strange hopping off and giving the reins over. I suppose that’s what a lot of the pros do, minus the saddling up process. I enjoy bonding with him, kissing his soft muzzle and petting him. I’m not sure that he enjoys it as much but he tolerates it and likes his treats after. I don't get as close to horses I part board as I do to those I’ve owned or leased. It’s not exactly the same connection but one nonetheless. I drove home and took Chevi on a walk. We discovered a forested meadow nearby the house, the entrance beginning maybe 3 minutes away. It was lovely and I feel lucky to live in forest city. It was a hidden gem of a path and keeps Chevi entertained with new scents. For some of the walk he happily lead though never being on this particular trail before. Parts of it were noisy with a bird who preferred to be in privacy because I did not see what he was. I might be behind financially but creatively, I’m ticking ahead. I’m especially pleased I’m committing to writing and will write some non fictions some day. In fact that’s what I’m doing right now.