#And I probably never will. Because who would willingly bear part of this turmoil? I wouldn’t want to

[waittheydontloveyou]

It’s just all so unbelievable. So fantastical. I can’t imagine meeting someone who will believe the shit I’ve been through. Going through. I wish I had someone to fucking talk to. Just cry to. To be heard and understood. No silver lining my trauma. No “it’ll all be ok”. Because it won’t. It never has been. This is grief. Mourning. It’ll never be ok. I’ll never be ok. Rent my dress and cover me in ash. Today I fucking mourn. But I’ll learn to live with this pain. I just don’t have a choice I guess. I mean i do have a choice…kind of. I choose not to die today. I choose not to die. I have a choice. This is probably my only choice. But i fucking choose not to die today. I choose not to treat people with hatred. I choose to cry and not hide my tears. I choose to show my pain. I choose to love. I choose to be giddy with joy when I see sunshine. I choose not to become a fucking villain. I have a choice. I choose to be alive and that’s all I got.

[misterewrites]

Bonding (Kainora week)

Hey everyone! E here and with a special oneshot ! My friend is help running kainora week over here @kainora-week and I agreed to at least write one thing for her so it is day 3: Formal Wear.

Set between season 3 and 4, Jinora is asked to make an appearance at a Earth Kingdom Noble party as a part of a deal to ensure they turn over power to Prince Wu when the chaos finally is under controlled. Kai is tagging along and isn't exactly thrilled about the idea.

That's it for me, almost done with the next underground chapter but till then enjoy, have a great week, stay safe, wash your hands and wear your masks!

if you want a easier place to find and read it, check it out over here at https://archiveofourown.org/works/30242472

“Are you mad at me? This has to be some kind of punishment. Some kind of cruel torture for all the scams I ran. Mako put you up to this, didn’t he? Jinora how could you?!”

Jinora let out a tired sigh “Kai, you’re being more dramatic than Ikki.”

The master airbender gently fixed her boyfriend’s collar, loosening it to allow her fellow airbender actually breath.

Kai took a deep breath, ignoring the burning sensation he felt in his cheeks “More dramatic than Ikki? Now you’re just trying to hurt me. Sorry!” he rose his hands in surrender at Jinora’s raised eyebrow “I-I just never dealt with this.” he gestured to his formal Earth Kingdom Attire.

“I know” Jinora agreed softly, smoothing out the wrinkles in the clothing “But you’re going have to. At least for tonight.”

“I don’t see why I have to go.” Kai fumed “It’s just a stupid party for a bunch of crusty nobles.”

“This is more than that.” Jinora’s voice became firm “With the chaos in the Earth Kingdom, alliances are important. These nobles are agreeing to turn over their power to Prince Wu when Kurvira finally calms everything down.”

Kai scoffed, rolling his eyes with distaste “Rich people giving something up willingly? And I’m a pink platypus bear.”

Kai’s blush worsened as Jinora playfully pinched his cheeks “My cute platypus bear and now you’re pink.”

“So.” Kai replied quickly, trying to hide his embarrassment “Is your dad okay with this? Me and you on this mission. Alone. Together.”

Jinora gave a halfhearted shrug “If he’s got a problem with this, then he’s got a problem. There’s no real option. With all the turmoil in the Earth Kingdom, we’re already stretched thin. Dad needed an airbending master here to show we support this show of unity and since he’s busy trying to negotiate with the spirits in Republic City, it’s me. It isn’t like we have another master just laying about.”

“And me? Why am I here?”

“Because” Jinora answered simply “Having someone born and raised in the Earth Kingdom might keep the nobles calm.”

Kai was not convinced by that response “You’re aware I hate the Earth Kingdom, right? You’re really telling me no one else was available? Not even Otaku?”

Jinora gave sly grin “Well, I didn’t exactly tell anyone else.”

“I’m a terrible influence on you.”

“And I’m a positive one for you. Balances out. As all things should be.”

“And I’m guessing he made you promise no romantic hijinks on this trip?”

“I made no so such promise.”

Kai cracked a smile “Alright, maybe it won’t be as bad as I think it’ll be.”

-----

“It’s worse.” Kai huffed, eyeing the giggling group of noblewomen with disdain.

Kai knew it was going to be a terrible time the moment they were announced to the rest of the party: Everyone spared them a single glimpse then proceeded to ignore them.

“Not a very friendly bunch, huh?” Jinora murmured awkwardly.

Kai scoffed dismissively “Don’t take it personally. They’re jerks to everyone.”

“I guess…”

Kai glanced to his girlfriend, the frown on her lips tugging at his heartstrings. He yawned loudly, knocking Jinora out of her stupor. She tilted her head quizzically at him and flushed a bright red when he wrapped an arm around her lovingly.

“Kai! What are you doing?! There’s people around.”

He couldn’t help but smile at how easily he could make his airbending master and general badass girlfriend turn a lovely shade of red.

“You can’t sulk, that’s my job. You’re the eternal sunshine ball remember?”

“True….” Jinora replied though unconvinced by Kai’s words.

Kai nudged her softly “Really. You shouldn’t take these people seriously. Most of them made their money by just existing, living off their family’s legacy and doing nothing with it. But you?”

Jinora felt Kai’s hand slip into hers and give it a squeeze.

“You’re a master airbender.” Kai beamed with pride “You are the granddaughter of avatar and you didn’t just sit on his legacy. You’re changing the world, you’ve saved the world. You can talk to spirits and you make a cute spirit projection thingy.”

Jinora’s fake smile melted into a real one.

Kai’s cheeks were tinged with pink but he didn’t stop “You have done amazing things, selfless things. Don’t let anyone make you feel lesser especially these plebes. I think we wasted enough of our time. We made our appearance and I think it’s safe to assume the nobles are going to keep their promise. They probably wanted to say they got an airbender to show up so they can boast to their friends.”

Before either of them could stand, the group of giggling noblewomen made their way over with a glint of familiarity in their gaze.

“You there!” The oldest one called, pointed at Kai as if he was an attraction at the zoo.

“It’s Kai.” He muttered with barely contained rage.

“Whatever.” She waved him off, uninterested “I’ve seen you before.”

“I doubt it.”

“Yes I have.” The woman insisted “I know have and since I’ve had the finest education, I know I’m right.”

Kai bit his tongue. This was an important mission and it was important to keep civil. Jinora should be proud of him given his usual response was to run away or throw an ill timed comment.

“You were a bus boy.” The noblewoman said with such certainty

“No. I doubt he’d have the hand eye coordination.” one of her friends sneered.

“And that hair?” the other chuckled cruelly “No one would’ve hired him.”

“True.” The leader replied coolly “But I know I’ve seen you somewhere. Somewhere embarrassing.”

“Kai…” Jinora whispered but he was too caught up keeping his rage in check to notice his girlfriend tugging at his sleeve.

“You were poor!” The noblewoman beamed cheerfully. She stood up proudly as if somehow her outburst was something of worth.

Kai’s cheeks burned brightly with a mixture of shame and rage but the trio paid him no mind.

“Yes.” The noblewoman continued, unaware of the rising tensions she had caused “You were out somewhere in the countryside. Some armpit little town daddy was forced to visit and dragged poor me along.”

Her lackeys cooed comfortingly.

“You were doing these little flips and tricks in hopes people would give you money. Of course you barely got a thing so naturally your clothes were just awful. No flair, no style. No wonder I didn’t recognize you. These fancy duds are nice but I’m guessing they’re borrowed. There is no way in a million years you could…”

“Stop it.”

Kai blinked, unsure he heard Jinora correctly. He never, ever in his several months knowing his girlfriend heard her speak with such a dangerous edge in her voice.

“What did you say?” The noblewoman turned up her nose, clearly offended at being interrupted “Do you know who I am? Who my father is?”

Jinora gave a false smile, its coldness sending chills down the trio’s spine.

“You missed the part where I cared.” she spoke with a steely calm “You will not disrespect my fellow airbender in this manner anymore.”

“Airbender?” The leader quizzically titled her head before realization dawn upon her “OH! You mean...him? And yourself?”

Jinora gestured to her traditional air nomad attire “So not only are you unnecessarily rude, you’re blind.”

“How dare...”

Jinora took a step forward, a vicious gust of wind trailing behind. The trio trembled under the sudden cool breeze.

“I understand you’ve lived a sheltered life.” Jinora spoke with the same cold smile “So I will say this once. There are more important things than your silly little shallow problems and the next time you think you can threaten me, I want you to remember I am not only an airbending master, I am the granddaughter of avatar Aang himself. It is my duty as an air nomad to enlighten and help people. Consider this your first lesson.”

Kai could feel his heartbeat speed up at the sight of his girlfriend, fierce and protective all for his sake.

Jinora held his hand tenderly as she motioned for them to leave “Come on Kai, let’s go have some real fun.”

“Yes sweetie.”

[beingpassionateabout]

I'll follow you into the dark

A/N: This was inspired by the last addition to this post, especially this part: “Anna's mindset is always "If we are together, I can protect her." This drives her actions. Elsa's mindset is always "If I am alone, I can protect her." And this drives her actions. Anna's is protection by action (i.e. she would probably physically pull Elsa away from the abyss in Ahtohallan so Elsa can't go too far. If Anna herself dies, no problem. Just protect Elsa). Elsa's is protection by prevention (i.e. taking Anna out of the equation will categorically prevent harm from coming to her. If Elsa herself dies, no problem. Just protect Anna). Both attitudes are badass (in one sense of the word) because they are both self-sacrificial. I don't see either one as selfish personally, just manifestations of their different protective natures.” 

So that got me thinking, what if they reconciled their natures before Elsa parted to the Dark Seas? 

Summary: Elsa and Anna try to work things out at the shipwreck site. 

Canon-compliant until that point. Any and all mistakes are mine.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Frozen, but I so desperatly wish I did.

It should not have been like this. Their parents, lost at sea, because of her, because of her powers. How much more tragedy can she bring upon her family? How much more pain, more suffering?

She feels Anna running up the hill to catch her and that makes her feel even worse. 'Not now, Anna', she wants to say, but while receiving her sister's comfort hurts, denying it would hurt her even more. And it would hurt Anna too. She's tired of hurting everyone, least of all Anna. So she accepts the embrace she's pulled in, tries to draw comfort from the warmth scent of the only person she loves more than anything or anyone.  

Anna tells her words of comfort but her mind barely registers them. In any other occasion her rational side would find reason with it, would be able to focus on it to get whatever needs to be done, done. As it is now, the weight of the revelation of their parent's fate only presses down on her, pulling her under the tides of emotions she has not felt in years. Her straining focus manifests itself on her closed off stance, arms pulled taught against her ribs, her sight trained on her sisters' moving lips but only registering a few words she's saying. This inner turmoil she knows well, but she still fights it. Anna is speaking. Anna is demanding attention. And attention she will get from Elsa.

"Please Elsa, I can't lose you" and with those words Anna manages to shake her out of her stupor.

"I can't lose you either, Anna". So she crumbles. And hugs her sister tight to her body, trying to convey how troubled she feels, how shaky she feels, but still, how much she would give to not live another day with the threat of losing Anna over her head. Or losing the family they made for themselves.

At that, she opens her eyes and looks over at Olaf, who has also made his way up the hill and to his "mothers", as he likes to call them. She beckons him close and he comes willingly, wrapping his short arms as tight and as far as he can around them. She sighs in relief, leaning further into Anna and feeling her tighten her arms in return.

Still, there is much that needs to be done, Elsa recognizes. A new set of problems arise now that they know where they have to go next in order to follow the call and learn the truth about their family's past. The truth that will save Arendelle, that will save the Northuldra people. Crossing the Dark Seas to Ahtohallan is something only she can hope to do, judging by the state of their parent's ship. The waters too violent and too dangerous to risk losing Anna over. So Elsa steels her resolve and draws gently away from the embrace, grabbing Anna's hands in the process and looking into her eyes.

"I know I promised we'd do this together and I've been trying to stick to this promise but it's proving itself difficult with every new danger we face".

Anna looks taken aback. "What do you mean? We've done great so far! No one has gotten hurt!".

"I know Anna, but there has been pretty close calls, don't you think?"

"If you're talking about the fire incident, then you should know that I'll stand by your side no matter what!".

She did not expect anything else from her brave knight, but Elsa needs to make her understand her point. So she presses on.

"This worries me, Anna. What if next time I can't protect you? You know the Dark Sea is a dangerous place"

"And that's supposed to make me feel better letting you go there? What if you don't come back?"

"But what if you don't come back?" she notices Anna pausing at that, closing her eyes momentarily and taking a deep breath. Elsa completes, "You know that between the two of us the chances of survival are stacked on my side".

Anna stammers and seems to lose her footing in this argument. "I- I know what you're asking of me right now, but it's just really painful and difficult to think you might face this alone, Elsa."

"I just need to know that you trust me to do the right thing and to come back to you, Anna"

"I do trust you!" Anna protests. "With all my being".

"Then let me do it, please. Let me go to Ahtohallan."

Anna stares at her for a few seconds, anxiousness and sorrow flashing behind her blue eyes. Her mouth works once, twice, but nothing comes out and Elsa waits, knowing she has to let Anna work it out for herself. It's the least she can do.

A moment passes. Anna takes her hands out of Elsa's hold, paces around, takes deep breaths. And then she's back in front of Elsa, resolve in her eyes.

"I hope you know that if you don't come back I'm gonna chase you to the ends of this earth, myself and I won't tire until I find you" come out of her lips with more heat than anticipated.

That makes Elsa chuckle and she notices Anna lets out an amused breath too. Of all the things bearing down on her, Anna's threat feel more like a caress on her soul. She takes one of Anna's hands again, while noticing how Anna's other hand just grips her satchel strap tighter.  

"You won't have to."

"Good. That's really good." Anna sighs, her eyes now boring into Elsa's. "You should go there. Find the answers. Make me proud. And come back."

Elsa's shoulders sag in relief.

"I will, I promise."

Hearing that, Anna slowly closes her eyes, lets out another heavy sigh and then disentangles her hand from Elsa's hold. Elsa watches as Anna reaches for her left wrist, right under her long sleeve and pulls out a shiny bracelet. One of Elsa's gifts to her 19th birthday. One she has not stopped wearing ever since.

"I've never been superstitious in my life. But this is a time of need and I need to believe in you and I need to calm myself down enough to let you go, so... take this". Anna fastens the bracelet on Elsa's pulse, tucks it firmly under Elsa's blue sleeve. "Okay, now you're protected. I'm protecting you from a distance. You may go".

Elsa feels herself tearing up, unable to process this wave of warmth engulfing her. So she does the next best thing and just hugs Anna again, kissing the side of her head over red strands of hair. "Thank you".

She feels more than sees Anna nodding against her shoulder. She then turns to Olaf, who's been quietly watching them with an anxious expression, his twig hands clasped. "Come here, boy".

He makes his way over to her and so she kneels in front of him to hug him too. "I'll come back to both of you".

"Safe journey, Elsa" Olaf tells her, his expression softening.

She nods at him, gets up and turns to Anna, squeezes her hand once more. Then Anna watches as Elsa clasps her hands together, closes her eyes and concentrates for a few moments. When she opens up her hold, a small snowy bird emerges and takes flight, landing itself on Anna's head.

Anna is amazed yet again at her sister's powers.

"It'll lead you both back to camp. Just follow it down the path, okay?" Elsa tells her.

"And then what happens to it, when we get there?"

"It'll stay with you. So you are protected too."

The weight of those words leaves Anna breathless, and she tries valiantly to stop the tears from coming. She sees it now. She sees how Elsa wants her protected too. Elsa loves her just as fiercely and is not pushing her away, she’s not leaving her. So it should make it a bit easier to wait for her to come back.

 When she manages to steady her voice all that comes up is "Okay. Together?".

“Together”.

She can only watch as Elsa turns her back to them and sprints down to the black shores, and on to the Unknown that holds one of Elsa's most dangerous tasks yet.

[nightglider124]

Idea/possible request (don’t have to I’m just suggesting a weird idea): When Robin realizes for the first time that he has a crush on his very best friend Starfire. Que emotional turmoil.

Not the best at all. I’m only… a half fan of this but it gave me a chance to practice first person perspective which I’ve basically never done XD

Thanks for the request though!

Hope you like it anyway.

Turmoil

She’d always been important to me.Since that first day she crash landed in the middle of the street, right in frontof the pizza place. Maybe not right away, considering how hesitant and haughtyshe was to all of us.

But, as I learned more, from then, Iknew we would end up having a close bond.

Starfire and I; we’d been best friendsfor years now.

We do so many things together; it’shard to imagine life without her friendship. She helps me with crime reportsand figuring things out in regards to cases. We talk about space and although I’vetaught her things about Earth, she always surprises me with her knowledge on theplanets and the stars and what’s beyond this solar system.

We watch movies together, we traintogether, we play with Silkie together. Most of my time, outside of my office,is spent around Starfire.

I’d never dwelled on it too much ormaybe… I’d just tried to block it out and pretend it wasn’t there in thehopes I could forget.

But, recently, when we were stranded onthat planet… I realized something that I think I always knew. I’d just triedto reject the idea of it as to never have to face reality.

There’s a reason I always blush whenevershe pays me a sweet compliment. There’s a reason that anytime I touch her orshe touches me, my skin heats up tenfold. There’s a reason that my heart alwaysspeeds up whenever she pulls me in for one of her warm hugs.

There’s a reason that she’s all I thinkabout at night when I go to bed or when I’m all alone.

I’m completely in love with Starfire.

My throat feels tight as I let thatstatement float around in my mind. Part of me wants to deny it; the part of methat had always denied it and called it friendship and nothing more.

Even now, as I sit at my desk and stareblankly at criminal reports that need to be completed, all I can think of is her.

I’m overwhelmed with this nervousanxiety. There’s a knot in my stomach and my mouth’s gone dry.

I sigh and lean back against my chair,tugging my mask from my face. Once I have it off, I pinch the bridge of mynose.

This was never the plan. I neverintended to fall for Starfire. Being best friends with her was pretty much allI had ever wanted to admit to.

But, when I think about it, there wasno chance of it not happening.

Starfire… she’s beautiful, inside andout. Physically, she’s gorgeous and any guy who says otherwise must be blind.Her soul is kind and generous and she’s one of the most loving people I haveever met; something I find so ironic considering how cold she was when we firstmet.

She’s so much more intelligent thanmost people give her credit for. Most assume she is ignorant and naive as she’snot human but it’s not that at all. She could tell you mathematics equations inher sleep and she’s allowed to be unfamiliar with Earth customs. She isn’t fromEarth and it’s ridiculous to expect her to know everything a human would.

She’s funny when she wants to be, evenwhen she tries delivering a joke that Beast Boy has told her. It doesn’t alwaysmake sense but her face is always so adorable when she’s trying to remember thecorrect punch line and it just makes her even more endearing.

Her fighting skills are something elseentirely. Out on missions, her abilities are greatly reigned in on account ofhow strong her blows truly are. She has perfected tempering her strength sothat she never goes too far.

Starfire is quite capable of killingsomeone with one hit if she ever needed to. She doesn’t and never would becauseshe knows and respects the laws of Earth but on Tamaran, it’s expected.

The training she endured on Okaaradefinitely shines through when we spar though. I’m still waiting for the daythat I actually manage to one up her in a fair bout. Bless her, for all hertrying to make it seem real, I know she lets me win sometimes.

Even something like that is anotherobvious reason why I feel the way I feel about her. She’s a girl that… she’s justso easy to love. It’s not hard in the slightest.

The only complaint I could everpossibly have about her is that she is too caring and sometimes, certain peoplelike her sister, take advantage of that in order to betray her trusting nature.

There’s this sinking feeling of dreadin my chest.

I’m in love with her but I know how badthat is; how I really shouldn’t be.

It’s inappropriate.

I’m her friend, yes but I’m also herleader and it’s wrong to have feelings for a teammate, especially being the onein charge.

It was one of Bruce’s oldest rules butit still stuck in my head.

I could picture the pros of datingStarfire. There were so many of them and I know she’d make me so happy and Iknow she’d be an amazing girlfriend.

But… those dark corners of my mindwere edging in and making me question it.

I thought about the pressure of tryingto maintain a relationship with her as well as keeping her at arm’s length. Ineeded her as my team mate, first and foremost. I needed to know that, if wetook that jump and became anything more, that she would still follow my orderswithout question.

I didn’t know if I would lose thatcertainty.

As of right now, Starfire is fiercelyloyal to me as a friend and a member of my team. She defers to my leadershipwillingly and does what I ask without so much as hesitating. She trusts myjudgement on things and has made it quite clear what she thinks of me as aleader.

Her teamwork is something I cherish andI’d never want to lose it. Ever.

I have no idea how we’d ever balancethe two and that worried me, maybe most of all.

I also had no clue how we’d go frombeing friends for so long to being a couple. It would be awkward and tenuousand I fretted over whether or not we’d make it.

There was this fear, down deep, that ifwe did try taking things to a new level and it didn’t work, then therelationship we already share would be damaged and that… it’s something I can’tbear the thought of.

I depend on her friendship so much; Inever wanted to do anything to threaten the closeness we had.

Then there was the rest of the team tothink about. Would it change the dynamics if Starfire and I were to take on aromantic relationship? When I thought about it, I had a feeling our friendswould be happy about it but there was the tiniest slither of concern that they’dfeel uncomfortable about the change.

My heart wavered the more I mulled overall of this.

The nerves were getting worse at thispoint and I knew I was more than likely over thinking things like I usually didbut I couldn’t help it.

Although I’d always kinda known what Ireally felt about Starfire, it was only since coming home from that hostileplanet that I’d been thinking it over more than I ever had before.

My head was starting to hurt from allthe scenarios that I was playing out and querying.

The only comfort in all of this innerturmoil was that… I’m pretty sure Starfire feels the same way as I do. Shealways has this look in her eyes when we talk or hang out, like she desiresmore; a wistful longing, I suppose.

It was the thing that made me reluctantto just ignore how I felt. Her.

Starfire’s feelings played a key partin this revelation of mine.

It wasn’t fair to her to just act likethere was nothing between us when, in fact, it was painfully obvious that weshared a special kind of connection.

I growled and scrubbed a hand across myface, “Fuck…” I whispered to the silence of my office,

I wasn’t sure what to do. Ignore how Ifelt? Talk about it with Starfire?

I swallowed again and could feel thebeating of my heart all the way in my throat. I was starting to get worked upover this and it made me want to laugh.

If I wasn’t Robin, it would possibly beless of an issue. If I was just a normal teenager, this would still probablyfeel like the worst thing ever. But, being a hero and knowing that criminalstrying to destroy the city were the everyday occurrence, it was funny to thinkI was all caught up in having a crush on a girl.

Analyzing things was my job though; Iwas trained meticulously to explore all routes and avenues of a situation toassess the best way to deal with said situation.

But this?

Yeah, I wasn’t trained in this at all.

I sighed and let my head drop backagainst the back of my chair.

What the hell was I going to do aboutthis?

[lalainajanes]

I hope you’re still doing these: ❤️ 24. Soulmate AU + 95. Sleep intimacy

Technically a sequel (to Everywhere With You) which might be cheating but shhh. It just worked too well!

When he hears the crunch of tires on gravel, Klaus makes a sharp turn, heading for the stairs. He briefly considers taking a detour to his room for a shirt but decides against it

It’s possible he’d just be ruining it so why bother?

Klaus hopes his visitor is trouble, someone he can hurt. Perhaps Caroline had finally informed The Salvatores he’d returned and they’ve come to huff and puff. That could be amusing. Caroline’s more fond of Stefan so Klaus will leave him be. Damon, however, he can probably get away with maiming.

It’s been twenty days since he’d left Caroline at Whitmore and he’s only had himself for company. Elijah had gone back to New Orleans as soon as they’d been sure Klaus could maintain his human form, with strict instructions to visit the witch who’d advised them and check that she’d not breathed a word of Klaus’ predicament.

To guarantee that she never could.

It’s not the longest stretch of solitude he’s ever endured, far from it, but circumstances have made it challenging. The first day he’d felt better that he had since he’d first left Mystic Falls, clear headed and able to concentrate. He’d plowed through a number of emails and reports - business and property matters Elijah had been nagging him about, only fair since his brother was keeping things tidy for him - and then shut himself up in his studio.

Produced work he didn’t hate for the first time in ages.

His ease had only lasted a few days, had begun to leach away until he was once more restless and easily aggravated.

He’d have to order another dining room set, the last one was now little more than kindling. All because Klaus had gotten a splinter.

He’s been told Caroline’s not faring better. He’s got guards stationed near her, tasked with ensuring she stays safe and that no one else was watching her. He won’t have her hurt to get at him. They report that she’s going to class, then back to her dorm, that she looks tired and unhappy.

Klaus doesn’t receive the news gladly, but there’s a grim sort of satisfaction to the knowledge that he’s not suffering alone.

The impulse to go to her has become a steady pulse, a knot of pressure that rests heavy at the base of his skull and leaves his skin prickling. It’s nearly impossible to ignore. He thinks it might start to hurt soon.

If so he’ll grit his teeth and bear it. Caroline will have to come to him. It’s why Klaus hasn’t turned. His wolf is harder to control, less reason more instinct, and he’d be loping off to Whitmore as soon as his paws touched the earth.

He doesn’t bother with lights as he stalks towards the foyer. He’s been pacing the house for days, could navigate around the furniture even without his enchanted senses.

He’d heard the vehicle roll to a stop. It’s engine had been cut but there had been no telltale creaking of metal to indicate a door opening, no footsteps either. Klaus is poised by the door, listening carefully for movement, ready to spring.

His phone buzzes in his back pocket and Klaus deflates, his fangs retracting.

If his guest is calling ahead it would be bad form to kill them. He only hopes he’s not being roped into some disaster because he really doesn’t have the patience to wade into whatever peril Mystic Falls is facing this week. He knows Caroline is perfectly safe, her mother too. Her useless friends aren’t his concern.

Caroline (1:46 AM): It occurs to me that you might deal with late night visitors creeping up to your house violently.

Caroline (1:46 AM): So don’t this time, okay?

Caroline (1:46 AM): Midterms start Monday.

He hears her car door open and Klaus’ control frays and he’s flinging his front door open and bounding down the steps before he can marshal it. He forces himself to still at the bottom, rocking back on his heels and grinding his bare feet into the stones of the driveway to center himself.

Caroline leans back against her car, shutting the driver’s side door. Her arms are crossed, banded tightly against her stomach and she’s looking at the ground. Klaus takes the opportunity to study her and what he sees makes him ache a little more.

He wants to touch her, and not just to soothe his own discomfort. Caroline’s too pale, her eyes visibly shadowed even in the dim moonlight. Her hair’s pulled haphazardly back from her face and she wears an oversized sweatshirt, ragged at the cuffs and hem, and not a speck of makeup.

She glances up at him, takes a faltering step forward. “I… I don’t know…” she trails off helplessly, her hand extended towards him.

That she’d come here, of her own volition, is enough of a balm to his pride. Klaus closes the distance between them, until her hand presses to his chest. Caroline’s fingers twitch at the skin to skin contact but she doesn’t push him away. He moves slowly, lifting his hand and resting it on the back of her neck, his thumb brushing her jaw.

Caroline’s spine loosens, her lashes fluttering as a sigh gusts from her parted lips. She drifts another step closer, pressing her other hand to him. “Huh. I was kinda hoping last time was a fluke.”

He tamps down the flare of anger ruthlessly. It won’t do to chase her away, not when she’s finally talked herself into coming to him. Klaus knows it’s only temporary, assumes she’s treating him like a fix, the midterms she’d mentioned looming.

Klaus can work with that.

“Sadly, this is not a brilliant plan to get closer to,you, sweetheart. We’re mates, there are side effects. I trust you’ve had a rough few weeks?”

Her eyes narrow, the fingers of her right hand curling until he feels the edge of her nails. The left remains a steady pressure over his heart, negating the threat somewhat. “Try to sound less pleased about my misery, okay?”

“It was entirely of your own choosing,” Klaus reminds her.

Her face falls, settling into tired lines, “Can we just… not?” she asks, sounding weary. “I didn’t come here to fight with you.”

“Why did you come, Caroline?”

She closes her eyes, shoulders slumping. “I haven’t slept, like at all, in four days. I haven’t slept properly in… god, I don’t even remember.”

“Fifteen or sixteen days, I’d wager.” He says it gently, brings his free hand up to cover hers. He doesn’t sleep much as it is, a habit ingrained over centuries on the run, so the lack of rest isn’t as much of a hardship to him. Caroline likely still keeps to human rhythms.

She nods, swaying on her feet. “I still don’t get whatever… this is. Bonnie’s trying to track down her mom for me, to see if she can find anyone who knows something, but she’s not having much luck. I’ve been trying so hard to stick to my routine and I just can’t anymore. Every muscle in my body aches and my textbooks don’t makes sense and my notes from all my classes are crap and…”

Her breathing is coming quickly, her heart racing, and Klaus  applies just the smallest hint of pressure using his hand on her nape. It’s all the urging Caroline needs, moulding herself to him, arms wrapping around him so her hands can dig greedily into the muscles of his back. Her flushed cheek comes to rest on his shoulder and Klaus winds his hand into her hair, the other slipping under her shirt to rest on her curve of her waist.

She hums softly, the tension in her easing until her rests heavily against him. “I’ve had every book that even mentions mates sent to me here,” Klaus murmurs. “You can take some back to school with you.”

Caroline agrees with a small sound, but makes no move to leave his embrace. She speaks so softly he might not have heard her if he wasn’t a hybrid, “Can I sleep here tonight? I don’t think I can drive home.”

“With me?” Klaus asks, needing the clarification.

He can feel her face heat, hear the slight hitch of her inhale. “Yes,” she finally manages, the word muffled in his skin.

His grip on her tightens but she misses his reaction, caught up in her own turmoil and drowsing as she is. Just as well. His elation is likely inappropriate. “Of course, sweetheart.”

She makes a small noise of protest when he pulls away but Klaus maintains contact, bringing the hand he has on her side rest on the small of her back and guiding her to the steps. “Wait, I brought my books,” Caroline mutters, stopping once they’ve crossed the threshold.

Well, that’s certainly an interesting revelation. Klaus makes a note to bring it up when Caroline’s more coherent. She wouldn’t find him pressing her when she’s like this, so unguarded, endearing.

He sees no need to handicap himself, not when it seems like he’s managed to make progress.

“They’ll be fine in your car for the night,” Klaus assures her.

Caroline relents, stepping out of her shoes. “Yeah, I guess breaking into the sheriff’s daughter’s car outside of the local serial killer’s house would be pretty dumb.”

“Technically,” he points out mildly, “there are many local serial killers.”

Caroline laughs softly but she doesn’t argue and he steers them towards the stairs. She leans more heavily on him as they make their way upstairs, seems half asleep by the time they reach his bed. He tugs at the bottom of her sweatshirt, “Are you wearing anything under this?”

“Tank…” a yawn has her mouth opening wide and she shudders with the force of it. “Top,” she finishes. She reaches down and begins to pull it off. Klaus helps when it gets stuck halfway, pushing her arms up so he can get it the rest of the way off. She climbs in when he turns down the blankets, her hand grabbing his forearm and towing him after her.

Klaus can’t resist teasing her, “My, my, what a turn of events.”

“Shut up,” Caroline grouses. “I’m committed now.”

“To a good night’s sleep?” Klaus asks. He receives no reply and he’s not sure if Caroline’s ignoring him or if she hadn’t heard him, too busy getting comfortable. She rolls to her side, dragging Klaus with her (he goes willingly, of course) until he’s curled around her, his forehead resting on the back of her shoulder. Caroline gropes for his hand and leads it under the flimsy shirt she wears, presses it to her bare stomach with a sigh he thinks is content.

She’s soon soft against him, sleeping deeply. Klaus feels his eyes growing heavy with some surprise. He fights it for as long as he can, wanting to store this experience in his memory. He wants to be able to recall the texture of her skin, the scent of her hair. To learn the little movements and sounds she makes as she sleeps.

He’ll need them, he’s sure. Caroline’s committed to this night, to quieting her brain so she can conquer her coursework. He’s not sure what tomorrow will bring though Klaus suspects he can coax her into spending the day.

There’s a plush sofa in his studio, under a window. If she studies there while he paints, her powers of concentration will be at their peak.

At least that’s the hypothesis he’ll present tomorrow.

[apostleofsilence]

Chapter two; or, Jesus Christ, so this is still a thing.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

[[AUTHOR NOTE: I made the executive decision to delete most of the old entries. Preface stays. Honestly, though, it is a fitting end to a portion of my life now forever gone to the ravages of too many benzos be represented by a missing chapted. No longer shackled to the words of a dead man, I hope to pull myself out of despair. Gods know I deserve it.]]

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two and a half fucking years since I started this. I noticed that I got followed by what looks like two real life people. If you ever read this, hiii! I was just gonna delete this churning trainwreck, but since there is a possibility others might see this someday, I shall trudge ever forward. So lets fill in the gaps, or what I remember.

So where we last left our intrepid adventurer, he was staring into the stygian abyss, and while it stared not back, it it gave threat with it's flying blanket elemental. Eesh. Terrible place to leave on a cliffhanger. So, what did happen?

Benzodiazepines, kiddos. Proof that if there is a God, it is a cruel and capricious one indeed. My ultimate salvation, it whispered in my ears, the siren song of modern medicine. It made me complete. And completely an asshole. So the benzos had to go. I was prescribed 6mg of Xanax and 6mg of Kpin. Daily. As is a supply of 90 each every four weeks. If your not familiar, that is a fuckton. Like, an irresponsible dose. I had been getting small caches of .5 xannies, and those were perfect. Shut out the negative thoughts, let my mind drift in peace for awhile. My new shrink, when he found out I expected him to maybe keep up with said dose, his solution was to give me thirty times the benzos I requested. I was leery, but who had the medical degree, amirite?

Well, as a result of this, I have six months worth of mostly empty memories, and the things I do recall were traumatic, to say the least. Maybe in a future chapter, I will discuss the sort of depravity one gets up to when you feel like a God given flesh, and you feel like it too. But for now, we focus on the future.

I lost many good friends. I was a mess. My stepdad, who grew up doing hardcore drugs from the sixties through the mid eighties, told me that he'd never seen anyone as far gone as I was come back through unscathed. Talk like that scares me a bit, because this man wasn't picky about who knew he did them, or whom he did them with.

So, I let go of benzos, willingly. On my terms. I flushed all the xannies, probably had an easy street value of a thousand, likely. Gone. Flushed all but enough of the kpin to parachute down on. Didn't want to quit all that just to die due to a withdrawl-induced grand mal seizure. Figured as much as I had been taking, it probably would've completely fucked up my shit.

I went back to my partner (who had decided that being ftm wasn't really for her, and that her dysphoria was mostly tied to being shamed all her life about her body). I don't think either of us intended it, but there it is. We went back to being friends during my recovery, and we were just so goddamned good together again. Since then, while we have had a touch of turmoil, it hasn't been nearly like it used to be. We are more patient with each other, more open about what we need and want. Like adults. This whole section might be a half-chapter of its own, and definitely a tale for later.

I didn't see another therapist since I got my last one fired for naked malpractice and HIPPA violations. Just another reason not to trust shrinks. Scum, most of them. I had one or two along the way that were worthwhile, but constantly moving homes assured I could never totally and implicitly trust one shrink. I finally saw one on October this year. Two months ago? Yeah. Proud of me, internet? Yeah, me too. My cardiologist is literally the best, he got me in to see this guy as a favor.

Anyway, I've changed cars twice since then. From that shitty Camry to the significantly less shitty 16 year old Acura. Didn't do any driving while I was "waiting to adjust" to those suicide slammers I was prescribed, and continued drinking on. Oh yeah, quit drinking among all that, too. I'm just fucking killing it over here, rockstar style.

But I will resist braggadocia (okay, maybe a little indulgence). But seriously, I couldn't have done it alone. Special thanks go out to A(rhymes with among kinda), J(sorta rhymes with heft), D(definitely rhymes with barrel), D(rhymes with rave, though he's never been), EJ (he would deffo know who he is, no hints needed 😉), and the best pair of male rats I've ever owned. And especially special thanks of epicness +1 to C(whom also rhymes with barrel). My heart of hearts, soul of soul. My sun and stars. Thanks for "getting" me like nobody ever did before. I <3 you.

So, here I am. How am I now? At moments bad, but getting better all the time, I hope. I've become more reclusive. To keep myself from outright agoraphobia, I set up a Dungeons and Dragons group almost as soon as I committed to recovery. Writing helps, and beyond this blog, my pen has been stilled by hopeless thoughts. Except for roleplaying games.

That group has grown and molded from just me, D, J, and C crawling from one outlandish setting to the next in my slapdash, seat of my pants storytelling into a Sunday night movie night, with almost double the cast. Its an even split almost, girls to guys, and we mostly watch bad exploitation flicks and so bad they're good trainwrecks. Somehow, I find contentment from this social arrangement.

Umm, my anxiety in public is worse now. With no benzos, all I got left out there is music, and if I forget my earbuds I wander into the gtocery store, immediately lose focus on my goals, buy the same thing every time (a hastily grabbed pepsi max and a bag of sour bears, my only weakness!), and leave the store. I emerge from my fog as I jostle my keys from my pocket to get into the car, realizing I forgot the cereal, the milk, and the bread. Oh, was I humming again? How long had I been doing it? The same fucking tune, oh you don't say. You're still a wreck of a man, Rev.

So yeah. I'm getting better, but I feel like there is a transparent wall of force between me and normalcy. The ability to work, to start a family. God, how I want that. We both want just one and done. Hope someday I can break through and realize all of these things as reality. For now, I shall dream.

-=-=-=-=-

And with that, I conclude this entry. With luck, I will be bashing out more screeds in the future, now that I have discovered the tumblr app. Thoughts? Questions? Maybe my next post will be an interlude. I need to figure out what the nomenclature for trigger warnings on here. I am totally new to the platform and am aware that there is some manner of acceptable decorum around these here parts.

Baby steps.

And if any of you mentioned above find this, I ask that you keep it to yourself. If you like, I would be happy to one on one you in regards to anything you might be concerned about. Please respect this, this blog is like personal therapy. Thank you.

[williamrage]

Finding Myself and Dealing with Dysphoria

Most of my life, from early childhood up until I was 21 I dressed as a boy, or as boyish as my parents would let me, Then I got with my now ex-boyfriend, at the time I didn’t know anything about the transgender community, I honestly thought I was the only person who felt like a male on the inside. It’s insane when I think that I knew about people who cross dressed and it never really clicked that many were probably just like me.

I went from knowing myself and being who I was as best as I comfortably could, to getting with a great guy and deciding that I would change myself for him, I forced myself to do so many things, things I had no interest in before, which for the most part wasn’t so bad, at least I can honestly say I tried, but I lost myself in that process, and that was something I wasn’t ready to accept until recently.

Who am I now? When I left my ex, I was a shattered mess who had finally found a label for how I felt, but instead of accepting myself, I ran. I ran and continued to try to change myself to fit into this world better, I had this body, why? So I took steps to have a kid. I can’t say it was smart, and sure I regret it some, but I think if I wouldn’t have had my twins I probably wouldn’t be here today.

If I could do it over I think I should have just sucked it up and transitioned. Where would I be today if I had initially started taking hormones? but things were different then, I had two doctors who were not willing to help me, one outright ignored me when I told him about how I felt, maybe if I had looked into it again, even 5 years later, things would have been different, but 10 years ago transitioning looked like a hopeless wish that would just get me into a world of rejection.

It’s not terrible being a dad, twins was something I didn’t expect, and doing it alone, even with a lot of help from family, has been a trial that has pushed me to my limits. I’ve resigned myself to being alone forever romantically. For a long time I’ve don’t very little aside from live and care for my daughters, I’ve forced myself to do many things like joining a twin parenting group, and trying to socialize.

Unfortunately, it’s when I’m socializing my twins or parent groups that my dysphoria hits me the hardest, my brain tells me I’m a guy, always has, but I know that people see me as a female, and I don’t know how to act, especially around cis women. It’s really hard to describe the feeling, it’s like, I don’t know how to present myself, I want to act normal, on the inside I’m wanting to act and be seen as the man I am, but most of the time I’m in a situation where I feel like I’m being thrown into a game I have zero idea what the rules are and I’m supposed to wing it. It leaves me feeling like a failure and an outcast, it’s bad enough that I’m an introvert, but my masculinity feels trampled on and tossed in the gutter.

On the inside I see myself as that big strong guy that stands in the back looking burly intimidating, and rarely says anything, but is really a big cuddle bear with a sarcastic take on life. I have identified with guys like that my entire life, Norman, from Mighty Max was a big one, these days I think I’d be like Big Mac from MLP. Yup! Most of the time that’s how I’m thinking of myself, I’m that big silent guy in the room, only I’m trapped in a girl’s body… it hurts saying that, because most of the time I can just not think about my body as being either, when I’m sitting I do my best to make my massive boobs disappear, like sitting at my desk right now, it’s a tall desk, my boobs are under the lip of the desk, I also have the tendency to slouch a bit so that they disappear into my chest and my shirt hangs loose over them, I don’t know if people see them, but I feel like I don’t. That’s a trick I learned when they first came in.

For a long time I’ve been able to mostly ignore being trans, there are those times when it’s hard, sometimes at work I’ll see other guys and feel so jealous. I walk and act like these guys… I feel like if my expression and demeanor was paired with a more masculine physique I wouldn’t feel so alien, and people wouldn’t feel so weirded out by how “cold” and “emotionless” I seem.

Dealing with shark week, which after having twins has turned into sometimes a three month blood bath, has been a major factor in triggering my dysphoria. I don’t know if it’s the emotional turmoil or dealing with the mess, but holy cow, there was a time when I would walk to the bathroom fighting back my tears of utter hate for the way I felt in my body. I’ll always be thankful for the day my sister got me a menstrual cup, I feel like it was a lifesaver, honestly, it was a total game changer for me, I can forget all about it most of the time, sure it can be messy and I have to get a little too hands on down in the deeps, but once it’s in, I can go the majority of the day not giving it a second thought.

I think that for most who are transgender, the dysphoria is at it’s worst when we’re forced to be the gender we don’t identify with, I feel sad for the trans little girls who are forced to dress in boys clothes without any compromise available to them from their parents, at least for me as a kid, I could go shirtless and wear jeans and clodhoppers up until puberty and nobody would give it a second thought, at least not on my parent’s property with no neighbors in sight to call CPS.

It was only after I got with my ex-boyfriend that my dysphoria began hitting me the hardest. When I’d buy women’s clothes and makeup. Now before I got with him I never willingly bought or wanted girls clothes, as a kid I fought my parents. I was in 2nd grade when I finally said no to skirts and dresses. I was forced a couple times, mainly on graduation days, and family pictures, that was my compromise, but if it was any other time, NEVER. Makeup was another funny thing to me, I’d get the scented nail polishes and put them on for a time, but then they’d eventually turn into potions, at least until high school when black nail polish and lipstick and all things goth became a thing. But both guys and girls were wearing it, heck, at that time I wanted so bad to look like Eric from the Crow that it hurt.

With my ex-boyfriend it was different, I dove into glitter and rainbows, and all things cute, I bought girl clothes, although I wouldn’t get anything that showed off much, if any, cleavage, I bought some expensive lip glosses and glittery makeup. The problem was, I would put this stuff on and look in the mirror and feel disgusted. I honestly felt like a crossdresser, like I shouldn’t be wearing it, and no matter how beautiful my ex-boyfriend told me I looked I couldn’t see it, all I could think was how much I hated myself. Many times I would get dressed, look in the mirror, feel those feelings and take off everything and opt for my androgynous look, t-shirt and jeans. Most of the clothes I bought were worn maybe once, or not at all. My “makeup” honestly I don’t think you can classify it really as makeup, but lipgloss and glitter, was mostly left alone, I’d wear it for some family get togethers with my ex’s family, but I had no patience for it, and really, I didn’t feel like I needed it anyway.

It was nice being with a guy who didn’t care if his girlfriend was a hardcore tomboy gamer, but I feel like from the beginning I was inauthentic to him, if I could have changed myself and actually have felt like a woman it would have been awesome, but it got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. What finally broke the camel’s back was my cousin’s wedding, she wanted me to be a bridesmaid, and wear a dress. What shouldn’t have been a problem, turned into weeks of tossing and turning at night, crying into my pillow while my boyfriend slept, and looking at the dress online and freaking out at the thought of wearing it, and being seen wearing it. I couldn’t do it, and it forced me to take a hard look at myself and realize, as I had many times over in my life, that this wasn’t just a feeling, or a phase, that what I felt was real, that I really was a male on the inside and I couldn’t just keep pretending.

At that point I only heard the term transgender a couple times, and heard it loosely used to describe someone who was born the wrong gender. I remember a couple conversations with my ex-boyfriend where I tried the term out on myself, somewhat as a joke, not really understanding but at the same time, knowing that if there was a word for how I felt, this was it. So when I finally did look up my feelings and the word Transgender came up and I actually dove into what it meant, and found people who felt that way and learned about their experiences I couldn’t just ignore it anymore. I took no time in telling my ex-boyfriend and family.

To me it was so obvious, to look back on my life and actually be able to say “I told you so.” or “I knew it” and actually know that I wasn’t alone. It was unbelieveable. I also knew that it was going to be hard for my parents, but I also knew that if anyone could REALLY understand it was my siblings. I wish my mom didn’t feel like she had to blame herself for everything, I wish she knew that I’ll be forever grateful that she was the one who saw my turmoil as a kid who just wanted a short freaking haircut, and finally took me out and got one. I think my dad took it better, but I doubt he’ll ever know just how awesome it felt for the short time where he made me feel like his only son as we threw the football or baseball every chance we got until the sun went down.

My sisters have been an incredible pillar to my strength. Even when I had resigned myself to living androgynously they remembered our childhood and understood. Even when I acted like I didn’t care what people called me, they made my name real, used the pronouns I shrugged at, let me vent my frustrations and despair over my dysphoria. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of absolute gratitude that I feel toward them in everything they have done. It’s because of them that I can transition and know that in the end not everyone will abandon me.

These days my dysphoria can be really bad, I can’t really look in the mirror, but since my sister started cutting my hair I can sometimes catch a glimpse of the man I’m supposed to be. I’ve had to make myself stop trying to “fit in” with the mom crowd. No more binge buying women’s clothes for me. It’s taken a long time for me to get to where I can accept myself, and some days it’s still hard, but what has changed is that I’m no longer trying to force myself to be something I’m not because no matter what I’ll always be transgender.

So that’s where I am today, I’m at the point where I’ve exhausted my arsenal against who I really am; I ran, I’ve tried to bury it, live with it and deny it. This entire time I’ve known who I am inside, but I thought I could just live with it. I didn’t realize that I was killing myself to please the people around me, I thought it would be so easy to sacrifice my feelings, nobel even, to let people love a hollow shell. But letting them love my hollow shell, came at the cost of my love, because shutting off those feelings shut off my love. It took a long time to realize that that wasn’t love at all, if people can’t love me for who I am really, then what was the point of letting them love something superficial?