#And I have other posts I might make in which I feel sad about Cytherea

[mouse-mayhem]

Which brings me to my last post before I update my pinned and then go dormant for a while.

Shortly after introductions, I moved into a new house. And we have come to suspect for a variety of reasons, the wooden structure of our house is infested with mites, and it's not feasible to treat the entire house.

I attempted to get medicine for my girls to help them deal with this, but my vet claimed quote, "mites in mice is completely unheard of" despite it being one of the most common issues mice owners have, and made no further effort to assist me.

I have been using a remedy that kills the mites and is making some headway, but I have to apply it every single week, and unfortunately with the source of the infestation being incurable, there's not really anything I can do except continue this method.

That said, between my vet not being as trustworthy as I originally thought, me having no other veterinary options besides her, and this persistent issue, I have decided not to continue owning mice in the future.

I will continue to give my remaining 5 girls my entire heart and soul and spoil them to the end of their days, but it would be unjust to bring more mice into this situation to continue the cycle, and I cannot rehome mice with parasites that could be passed along.

So, these 5 will be the last for the foreseeable future. I hope to get a long time with them yet, but when my 2nd to last sweetheart passes, I'll have to put down the last so she's not alone, whoever it may be.

Of my original 6, 3 are still with us. They're around a year and 8-9 (maybe 10) months old now, and certainly seniors. Noelle is particularly creeping up in age and I notice signs that she might not have much left regularly, but as long as she is not in distress I don't plan to do anything about it.

The other 2 girls are about 4-9 months in range between Ceda and Cytherea respectively, I'm not sure specifically. But hopefully they'll get to live well into their senior age as well before that time comes.

It's been a really hard and upsetting decision for me, as I love my mice deeply and they bring so much to my life, but I feel obligated to do the right thing as a pet owner, even if that means me not being in their lives / owning said pets.

Maybe someday if we can get to the root of this problem and I can ensure a sterilized environment for my babies, and find a vet who's actually dependable, I will do it again. I never planned on getting out of owning mice, so this is a blow.

Sorry for the sad news after so much radio silence, but it's not for nothing.

[demethinkstoomuch]

Cytherea and John have a lot in common in terms of goals and motives and techniques, when you adjust for scale: they acted out of betrayal and hurt and anger and the vengeance of love -- and those feelings were entirely right, entirely fair. So, they pursued those as their top priorities, regardless -- because of -- the body count.

And, in choosing the vindication of those feelings above all else, they destroyed more or less the “all else” part of things. Cytherea was lied to, Cytherea was abandoned to her pain by people who made sympathetic noises and maybe believed those noises (but not enough). Cytherea killed innocent people, because she decided that, more than, say, confronting John directly, or any other recourse, she wanted to smash everything that had been made in his image. She didn’t actually accomplish the goal of her anger, she just did some murders. John Gaius was lied to. John Gaius was abandoned to the world’s pain by people who made sympathetic noises about cows and maybe believed those noises (but probably not, and definitely not enough). John Gaius...You see how this goes?

Furthermore, we then get to the how, to the justification, the predatory interest in people who could have reminded them of something they’d lost, one of the driving forces of that anger -- even though, push comes to shove, they’ve already decided what the most important thing in the world is, and it’s not the people they’re making feel important. And how that plays against the self-assurances that they aren’t exactly lying -- see the way Cytherea insists she was only giving hypotheticals, and compare it to John’s “What’s the difference [between the truth and the story you tell yourself]?” And I think that shared balancing act, the one between their interest in those reminders, that need to not be lying, and their vengeance, is kind of what allows for them both to have that slightly self-aware air, occasionally a little apologetic, like ‘Oh, it’s reasonable that you would be hurt, all things considered’ vibe that you see throughout HtN’s climax and a bit during Palamedes’ parlor room scene at the end of GtN. They’ve picked their number 1 priority (VENGEANCE), and they know the thing they are prioritizing is true and valid (that is, they’re angry and they have every right to be angry), so they don’t need to necessarily defend themselves against every sling and arrow along the way. They can be nice, or funny, or kind, without it ever chnging the bottom line.

That similarity is...Interesting. She is the only OG lyctor we meet who was born post-resurrection, in the world and Empire John was forming. Besides just giving her a motive, I think this says something about his world, and the ways in which it’s not new. After all, John was made by our world, and he’s done the same thing -- including the same things as it would have done, if with some specific modifications. There’s a sort of intergenerational trauma happening there, where each round makes some changes in scope or technique compared to the previous round, who did such awful things, but keep doing some of the same awful things, just a little differently.

Cytherea is John’s creation, and her story is John’s story, writ very small. A prelude, in a way, to certain concepts about anger and forgiveness and trauma and priorities that are still unfolding throughout the series. 

But now I won’t be able to think about the John bits of Nona without thinking of Palamedes saying, scathingly, “You couldn’t help but prattle about why you killed innocent people, as though your reasons were interesting.” Which, honestly, yes, they are. I would not be here if they weren’t. But also, yeah, you tell ‘em about their horrific priorities, king.