#Amorphous Androgynous

[trashpandaqc]

good read for anyone interested in 90s rave history

and worth asking where the ideals of this scene, which still feel very relevant, went off to in the past couple decades - illegalized, pushed further underground, shamed into seriousness by post-9/11 warmongering and commercial composure, distracted, diffused, and displaced by increasingly tech-mediated life?

some tunes mentioned in the book + a couple others from the era...

[emdotcom]

If you press the button there is no questions from anyone, nobody refers to your previous self, & no issue is caused beyond learning to be comfortable in your body & choice.

[whereserpentswalk]

Choose a transformation to permanently alter your body and remove your humanity.

1: get infected with lycanthrope (being bitten is the easiest way, but the curse can also be passed on through blood transfusions, or other bodily fluids). You'll be able to turn into a wolf any night when the moon shines, and you'll be compelled to when the moon is full. The other werewolves are likely to accept you into their community under most circumstances.

2: enter a local ufo to be turned into a cyborg. The visitors are dying to find a human who'll let you do this to them, and you might just be the one. Parts of your body will be replaced with strange and unknowable technology, thousands of years more advanced than what your backwater planet has. Who knows what you'll become, but it certainly won't be human.

3: allow a demon to possess you. While this sounds bad at first, most demons aren't actually sentient beings, but just semi sentient balls emotions. When they possess you it'll still be your mind and personality, just enhanced with the demon's emotions and desires, given its abilities. You'll also probably start looking more like what people consider a demon to look like after awhile, weather that be a body with horns and scales like the classic devil look, or something more animalistic, or even something more eldrich.

4: let the faeries play with you. This is a risky one but they're looking to be entertained by a cute little human to do things to. Who knows what they'll do to you, but we can be quite certain it'll be something very very interesting.

5: permanently psychically bond to a wyvern through the dreaming. For generations humans have done this to become wyvern riders, though rider is an odd term as your minds will be linked, you'll be able to know what it's feeling as well as it's sensations, and possibly even be able to control it directly with enough time, as easily as you'd control your own body. Though the wyvern and dreaming may effect you to, you'll likely become more creative and have more vivid dreams, at the cost of your ability to fit in with much of human society. Your body will also likely become more youthful, slender and androgynous, and may even take on wyvern like traits like slit pupils or sharp teeth.

6: permanently hybridize yourself with an animal of your choice. It's useally done with mammals for compatibility reasons, but it might work with anything. This is a slow process, involving weekly injections of Phlebotinum, and you'll get more and more like the animal you choose over the course of many months. There's no actual end limit to how long you can inject the Phlebotinum for, only a few weeks for some animal features, about a year for a 50/50 split, and if you never stop taking it ever you'll end up just becoming an animal of your choice. Be warned, it's a one way trip, so while you can always become less human, you can never reverse the changes.

7: be melted into a slime. Not much more to say about it. It'll probably be the most alien your physical form can become, as you'll have no solid body parts anymore, just an amorphous mass to move around. Natrual born slimes may be suspicious of you.

8: get bitten by a vampire and become a vampire yourself. You'll get most of the powers, from strength, to healing, to not needing sleep or food, along with the requirements to drink blood, and the weakness to silver and sunlight (you still can go out in the sun, but it won't be a pleasant experience). Your body will also change a lot, losing any sex characteristics, gaining red eyes and completely desaturated skin, and becoming extremely emaciated looking. Your mouth will also be able to shift at will between a humanoid shape, and a massive horrifying maw with huge fangs and strange mouth parts for drinking blood. There's likely a vampiric community around who'll accept you.

9: become a digital only being. You won't just be transforming your body, you'll be getting rid of it. Your entire vision will display what you'd usually see on a computer monitor, and you'll be able to type and move the mouse as easily as you can move your body now. You'll be entirely online without anything human to worry about.

10: become a spiritual being. Like a less online version of the last option. You'll become a spirit, without a body to worry about. You can't touch things, but you can move them psychically. You can also choose who can or can't see you, and how you appear to people.

11: have your entire body replaced by the cloth witches. They're always looking for humans to do this to. Every part of you will be replaced with artificial materials, usually you'll get a metal skeleton, stuffing for filling, and either cloth or plastic for your skin, like a doll of some sort but big and alive. You won't have to worry about a lot of the body things like dying or being tired or in pain, but be warned, you'll have to repair yourself with new material if damaged.

(Hey, I had to delete the first version of this poll and reupload it because of something on the old post setting off my silly little trauma. I feel like such an awful person for this, I'm sorry. But yeah, please reblog and interact with this version instead.)

[fairlylocalcryptid]

actually not ftm or mtf but a secret third thing (transitioning from "an amorphous amalgamation of half-formed faces to make a hot androgyne with wings and a third eye" to "hot androgyne with wings in a sick anachronistic suit holding my own dead severed head trailing spinal cord and fetus")

[amaryllis-sagitta]

I might be reading way too much into this, but after the first look at the new Chaos design I think there might be some kind of a dialectic going on within themself.

The original design is more amorphous and neutral in its presentation, sure. It emphasizes two things to me:

that Chaos is constantly churning on the inside, and

that they birthed the chtonic entities (or at least Nyx and Erebus, which is interesting since in Hades games, Nyx is personified and Erebus is a whole ass biome) and they constantly spawn new potential entities or incarnations of themself, as represented by fetuses and faces protruding from the different parts of their gnarly body.

The new design shows us a well put together androgynous figure in a sparkly suit (though leaning a little more towards femme presentation), holding a skull with a piece of a spine still attached.

As a matter of fact, I believe that the skull is one of the Hades 1 Chaos themself. It has the familiar Chaos sigil on its forehead, and there's a fetus coming out of its mouth. Which to me hints that between the events of Hades 1 and Hades 2, the Primordial Originator's avatar reached some breaking point and had to be reborn. Perhaps Kronos/ Chronos (???) breaking out sowed so much turmoil in the world that Primordial Chaos has inadvertently spread themself thin, and their own realm had to be reformed. In that condition, it would make sense for them to hold themself tighter whenever they need to speak to someone.

The new look feels so very... corporate and luminous, aside from being more anthropomorphic. The look reminds us of the Furies from the first game. To me, it represents form over substance, which would add an interesting dialectical beat to Chaos: even within themself, they can fluctuate between having more or less Form; the Form, too, is already anticipated to come out of Chaos. This new design is controversial because it brings Chaos closer to Form and Light, something that feels paradoxical. They have what looks like a pocket watch in their lapel - they are related to Time!

Which would push the understanding of Chaos towards the Aristotelian concept of change, making them something like Prime Potentiality - the domain where things "wait" for the right timing or the right circumstances to become. This interpretation seems to go well with how H1 Chaos could never be fully present in the world, could never visit their children; the world is where possibilities get actualized into, and Chaos is the conceptualized "point" where everything actualizes from.

And isn't this paradoxical feel about Chaos's new design consistent with their previous presentation as a force in flux that holds multiple internal voices and pairs of logical contradictions, and loves all that's unpredictable?

(Disclaimer: I'm not a classicist, I'm a philosopher, so I appreciate extra on insight on that. I love Chaos's design from H1 and I want to understand the new one.)

[quinnhills]

I don’t know what happened to the original question post, but some kind soul told me that I generate gender envy and asked that I provide advice on how to achieve the 6 other deadly gender sins. Hope this finds its way back to that envious stranger:

GENDER WRATH…Scroll through my blog and look at all the photos of me. If your envy’s already in gear, this should royally piss you off!!

GENDER SLOTH…I’m in sweatpants in a t-shirt right now. No bra. No wig. Most of the day, I don’t wear makeup. My base form is amorphous and androgynous. Be like me.

GENDER LUST…Repeat the instructions from “Gender Wrath”

GENDER GLUTTONY…I left my old gender in a dumpster somewhere near Charleston, South Carolina. Anyone’s welcome to grab it. ALSO, if you’re looking for some E, I read this morning that the Burger King Impossible Burger has a whopping amount of estrogen in it. Have it your way (call me, BK)

GENDER GREED…This one’s easy. Grab a dictionary. Every word in there is now your name and your pronouns. You’re welcome.

GENDER PRIDE…Get a Blåhaj. Wave the flag. Support your trans and non-binary siblings in any way you can. Especially financially (call me, BK)

[brucequeensteen]

gonna log out and be boring but one final post. goodbye cruel world. it has been lovely becoming ethan kafkaguy just one further step towards us being inside each other and melding into one androgynous amorphous being. goodnight

[chaoselph]

Thessalien Stoa Paradosi from eL-Hortobāgyi Hortator

The golden pigeon has landed: László Hortobãgyi’s screwed psy-trance and expansive new age dubs are collated by contemporary enigma Nikolas Rafael Hadjilaskaris in a masterwork of playful, fantasy tekgnosis for new label Ελχελέλ (ElHellEl) - think Amorphous Androgynous playing a secret ECM stage at Boomtown, or Mark Snow jamming with Rex Ilusivii and Suns of Arqa in Goa. It’s fucking beyond! -Boomkat

[spacelazarwolf]

How do you know what’s right for your transition/how were you able to determine what is or was right for your transition? Because as a bit of background im non-binary, but in like the broadest and vaguest sense. I most days feel a lot of nothing inside tho sometimes I feel more femme or masc or androgynous or some combination therein. I feel kinda like an amorphous gender blob most days and it’s hard for me to really get a read on myself. I really love the idea of being butch as I get older, but I’m not sure how to achieve that especially when I have outlier days when I don’t want that. And I’ve considered surgery and testosterone because I wanna have a more androgynous or masculine-ish body(I’m afab) but I’m afraid I will regret it because sometimes I like how I look but those days kind of feel like outlier days and especially with hormones some of the side effects I’m not sure if I want. Tldr; My gender is something really vague and ever changing and I want to transition but I don’t know what I want or how to figure that out

so i was in a fairly similar situation to you, and honestly what helped me was to just get rid of the gender factor. i was hung up on 'well what's my actual gender? because if i can figure out my gender then i can figure out what i want to look like and do with my body and i can figure this out' and that just did not work. what worked was thinking 'ok what do i want to look like? completely separate from any sort of gender feelings and aesthetic preferences, what do i want my body to look and sound like?' and i determined that i did want a lower voice and body hair and facial hair. when i thought about how i liked to dress feminine, it made me really happy to think about dressing feminine while being in a body that had body hair and facial hair and a deep voice. it made me happy to think about playing around with aesthetics and mannerisms while in that kind of body. so my advice is to like. basically pretend you're building a sim and pay attention to what kind of physical attributes you would give your sim before you get into the aesthetics and stuff. then once you've figured that out, you can determine what kind of intervention you would need to achieve that.

[ginkgo-a-go-go]

Alright, ranking Peter Hammill albums (until 1981 & really based on my personal schizo taste)

1. Over

2. Nadir's Big Chance

3. A Black Box

4. The Silent Corner and the Empty Stage

5. PH7

6. Chameleon in the Shadow of the Night

7. Sitting Targets

8. The Future Now

9. Fool's Mate

10. In Camera

Sending that bc it's nice to have conversations & discussions with you -I began with Hammill's solo albums in June. Well I also listened to Skin & Fireships as a whole but that little list is enough for now- sorry if it was too random

i agree with your ranking, but in camera at tenth place? ouch😅

what exactly makes it worse than, let's say, the silent corner and the empty stage (which is probably my favorite ph album)?

[aww thank you, likewise :) btw have you listened to the relatively recent collab album with amorphous androgynous? i think it's pretty neat but unfortunataly it isn't on spotify anymore :( ]

[softichill]

I am one gender but that gender is made of a bunch of other genders swirling together and making this sort of amorphous blob that I know is me. But like I can't put any label on it other than 'me' bc trying to stick specific labels on it other than very very general ones seems like trying to fit it into a shape that it just isn't

And even then the general ones don't rlly fit because they still feel like trying to sort it into neat little boxes. Technically I'm androgynous bc I'm not leaning towards boy or girl, but that doesn't rlly work bc I don't want to be one specific thing? Especially presentation-wise. I just want to be me and play my silly little gender games. It feels like some sort of specific goal or aim that I don't want

Yeah I still have labels, mainly catgender and bitgender, but those are less "THESE are my genders" and more like "these are the most prevalent/common traits in my gender blob that affect everything else somehow"

[pinkfestivalpeanuttree]

omg i finally remembered to ask this X_X, anyways i remembered you left some interesting tags on one of my posts and i wanted to ask, how do you view yjh's gender identity?

i personally went with the masc-presenting trans lesbian angle since that felt the most "in character" and also had a lot of comedic potential in my au but im very curious about how you've characterized her since it seems like you see her as more feminine so to speak (feel free to make your answer as long as you want jdhfshfdsj i love talking about gender)

omg it's betawooper from transfem yoo joo au 😳 hiii!

Firstly I want to say that I ADORE your au!!! It's definitely influenced some of my headcanons on yjh's gender identity. I did see her as more feminine before but now I see her as comfortable with being masc-presenting and more androgenous. Secondly, I am biologically female and been comfortable with she/her pronouns and presenting femininely my entire life. However, after learning more about the lgbtqia+ community and doing some self-reflection, I realized that I may be under on the non-binary umbrella. I haven't really experimented with my gender identity much. Unlike my romantic and sexual orientation (aroace spectrum), which I felt a connection to as soon as i learned what it was, and felt the urge to do more research on it, my gender was more ambiguous to me. I didn't really feel a strong connection to it, or rather, I felt a strong disconnect to it. I feel like I should insert a cool metaphor here. It's like a cloud? I can see different shapes from it, but I can't get closer or touch it. It's amorphous and not solid, and I can't get a good grip on it. I like being feminine, but I like being referred to with they/them pronouns, and also get gender envy (?) from more androgenous male characters. I'm comfortable with having no labels as of now, but I'd like to experiment with my appearance and pronouns more irl if I get the chance.

All this to say that I started projecting onto Yoo Joonghyuk lol. Kinda funny because usually i project my aroace-ness and neurodivergence onto my blorbos, not my gender identity, but between Breaking the Sky Swordsmanship and the Punisher it was just too perfect. (actually I've noticed i've been projecting my gender onto more characters since I've fleshed out my headcanons for yjh. It's not a conscious decision, but if someone were to ask me what I thought of [character's] gender, I'd have to pause and go, 'Well, I'm not sure, but they're definitely not cis.' It's actually the same way I come up with my aspec headcanons: 'not sure where exactly you are on the spectrum but I like you way too much to make you allo.')

Another fic that inspired my interpretation of yjh's gender is this fic, https://archiveofourown.org/works/42593688/chapters/106989912, which I love dearly with my entire heart but might not be up your alley. It has a more feminine yjh and romantic yoohankim (if i may dump some more lgbtqia+ headcanons here I hc both yjh and kdj as aspec and yoohankim as a queerplatonic relationship but I am okay with romantic yoohankim mostly because there is so little qpr/aro representation in general. I am also a multishipper and I love your sapphic seolhyuk so much!) and it's a post-epilogue fic with yjh figuring out her gender identity with the support of Kimcom.

So to me, Joonghyuk's gender is similarly ambiguous in nature, the Amorphous Untouchable Cloud of Gender™️, Definitely Not cis, and she's androgynous-presenting. I think she would keep her hair short throughout the scenarios for efficiency, but post-epilogue she'd grow it out. Not a lot, but she would absolutely use her androgyny to fuck with strangers. I think Secretive Plotter with long hair would be great because she'd give me more gender envy than I already have. I don't think she'd have labels for herself. I think she wouldn't like makeup the one time she lets Seolhwa put some on her but everyone agrees that she looks amazing with eyeliner. I think she should be allowed to use Breaking the Sky Swordsmanship on transphobes. I think she uses any pronouns but prefers she/her. I think, had it been canon, her being trans would have added a whole new layer to her character arc and the meta-ness of ORV and its themes of breaking free from predetermined roles, to her role as "protagonist" and the way she breaks free from being a "character" and just... it would have been super cool and I can't write an entire essay on how trans yjh would have improved ORV but I want to.

Thanks for the opportunity for me to infodump about my headcanons lol! Just curious, what tags/post was it that made you ask?

[sylvandalism]

random musings from my drafts on style:

I take a certain amount of joy in arranging my outfits and cross referencing and matching shades so that they all comes together in one lovely visage. one of my favorite parts of planning for any event has always been deciding the outfit- how to select and style it appropriately. at one point I got really into the YouTube/fashion blogs/reddit side of it all which I still find somewhat interesting but I realized it’s not so much trends that I care about but the process behind what we wear. style can both complement and extend your sense of self. I still thinks trends can be fascinating to observe over time and what they transmit about the State of Things (hemlines relating to impending recessions, the popularity of androgynous styles speaking to a more nuanced understanding of gender, the commodification of the working man’s tools a la carhartt, etc.), but I’m not rushing to change my wardrobe every couple of months because some influencer said Chelsea boots aren’t in anymore. that’s the lovely aspect of fashion and what you come to realize as you get older: you dress best when you dress for yourself. it can seem like a silly little adage but it is a nice one to have in your pocket. for example, I’ve learned that I really value structure in my outfits, so no matter how hard I try to pull off the oversized and amorphous shearling coat look, it just doesn’t do it for me. and that’s fine because I can use the principle of the trend and apply it elsewhere in a way that does make me feel comfortable and good.

there are of course valuable rules of thumb which I find helpful when it comes to looking more deliberately polished. people ask me what I use and where I get things from to which I usually want to respond that it’s not the source that matters (barring of course the ethical fashion debate which is a whole other can of worms) but what it is. you’re looking for excellent construction and attention to details (reinforced seams, no loose threads, padding, etc), coordination with the rest of your color palette and closet, and complementing the setting (seasonally appropriate, formal vs informal etc). for example if you’d like a wide leg trouser silhouette, in the summer you’d opt for a light colored lined linen pant with brighter colors and in the winter you’d go for a wool blend with appropriate footwear and outerwear. perhaps that’s where the more conservative side of style comes into play but I do think some of the rules have stuck around because there’s some merit to it. at the very least I derive a measure of comfort from looking more polished and deliberate in a society that’s endlessly critical of appearances.

and then there’s the issue of branding and quality which is a slippery slope because the whole concept of quality is now mired in conversations about over consumption, terrible labor practices, ethically dubious marketing policies, greenwashing and so on. it got really overwhelming at some point so I withdrew from it for a while and now I find myself returning to the methodology behind our clothes: why we love certain colors during the seasons, the elegance of the way raw silk drapes, the cut of a coat and how it rests on your shoulders. i am privileged to be able to deliberate over my clothes- I can choose them and arrange them as needed.

growing up my aunt loved to make our formal clothes: she would take our measurements, source the proper fabric, find matching accessories, and take them to the tailor to get sewn. and then we would have fitting sessions in the living room and she would walk around scrutinizing the dress, pinching and pulling on the fabric and hem. If the sleeves were too itchy or the length too long, it would go back to the tailor or she might whip out her sewing machine and adjust it right there. it could take weeks to months for an outfit to materialize to her perfection, but it usually ended up being the nicest dress I’d ever worn.

[trevlad-sounds]

The Meld Well 002 1 Kim's Spirit / DupSys Vow 00:00 Animism Muzan Editions 2 Beyond Our Galaxy Elegy 04:47 Surface Analysis Cyclical Dreams 3 Liwi Sprites 10:26 Compilation vol. 1 Ambient Curation 4 Mort Garson Cathedral of Pleasure 13:10 Music from Patch Cord Productions Sacred Bones Records 5 Warm Binary Solipsism 19:08 Decay Mystery Circles 6 Ogle Robotheme 19:53 Cascade Preston Capes, Woodford Halse 7 King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard Dreams - Yu Su Instrumental Mix 26:16 Butterfly 3001 King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard 8 Harald Grosskopf Emphasis 27:19 CV Vision: Bureau B Favorites Bureau B 9 Dohnavùr Cloudback 32:08 Pristine Environments Werra Foxma 10 Burt Orange Kiwi Coconut 37:06 Selections from the Produce Section Analog Junkie Studio 11 E Ruscha V Tree Ring Circus 40:13 And The Only Thingz, Too Secret Circuit 12 Future Children Unplug the Medicine 44:57 Twelve Summer Stories Future Children 13 Amorphous Androgynous Goodbye Sky - Reprise 48:55 The Isness The Amorphous Androgynous 14 Nico Georis Love 49:52 Nicasio Synth Tapes (2012) Milky Way Radio 15 Field Lines Cartographer Rain Clouds Descending 53:54 Moonbuilding Autumn Collection Moonbuilding, Castles In Space

[lonely-soul-02]

Actually DOYS charted better in the US than their previous albums in the 00s! No 5 on Billboard 200 (DBTT was 12, HC - 23) - not that bad for the UK band past its prime and that was with half-arsed promotion and half-arsed everything really (I don’t like it sorry) The trend was raising. Better album with better promotion could ve done better

And it was myth that Liam didn’t let Noel be more adventurous with music - the myth perpetuated by Noel much later, in his disco years not so long ago . If you read an interview posted by Devilsrefugee some time ago I think he said in 2008 (or bit earlier) music wise he and Liam on the same page, their issues is purely personal. If you listen to the songs he wrote in that period there was nothing not “Oasis-y”, it wasn’t like he wrote disco or whatever songs and shelved them because the evil Liam made him, they didn’t exist. It was Liam who bring Death in Vegas in their studio. because he wanted the next Oasis album be different, at least in the 2000s he wasn’t against changing their sound a bit. Sooo that’s just another Noel lies. Oasis was criticized for their lack of music evolution or whatever and Noel instead of taking responsibility for it like “the chief” and the main songwriter of the band, put the blame on Liam

Yeah it was my point about Amsterdam, there was potential for the band for growth at least on the European market back then (and even the US wasn’t hopeless case), Liam wasn’t wrong

Even if they’d had a ‘better album’ as you say (what would have made it better?) with better promotion, how far do you think they could have gone in an era when rock was in decline? And they weren't Coldplay, or the Arctic Monkeys. The trend wasn’t rising. For rock as a genre, it was falling. By 2010 with a few exceptions, rock had largely given way to pop, dance and hip hop/rap. So we'll probably have to agree to disagree on that one, but that's fine, it's all opinions/speculation!

Re: Liam and Noel's musical differences. Yes, Noel lies and spins narratives to suit himself, but that doesn’t mean there is no truth in anything he says. At any rate, I think Liam's issue was less to do with not liking Noel's offerings and more to do with him trying to assert some control in a situation where he felt increasingly insecure. Saying that, would Liam have supported Noel taking Oasis ever further down the melodic pop and strings route; would he have championed Noel taking Oasis into Who Built The Moon territory? Bearing in mind that Liam has said WBTM isn't even all that 'far out' (he's right) yet he still hates it. I could see Liam wanting more psychedelia and less romantic pop to be honest.

In any case, Oasis was not the vehicle for Noel to branch out creatively, and Noel knew that. With his penchant for pop and dance and his collab with The Chemical Brothers, it's not surprising that after he left Oasis Noel turned to Amorphous Androgynous. He got cold feet on that collaboration (the divisive fan reaction to WBTM confirms he was right to get cold feet). But listen to the beautiful Ibiza infused AA Shoot A Hole Into The Sun. Can you imagine Liam approving that for the next Oasis album?

Let’s not forget that Liam’s opinion and his ‘great set of ears’ mattered to Noel. It was Liam’s opinion that Noel sought first. If Liam said a song was't good enough for Oasis, Noel listened.

This is not to say that ‘evil Liam’ made Noel shelve songs. It wouldn’t work like that. Noel was constrained by being in Oasis. Being in Oasis meant writing certain songs in a certain way for a certain crowd - you said yourself you don’t like DOYS. You’re one of many. As Noel has said, over time, the pressure to please everyone gets to an artist. I don’t believe that Noel really wanted to leave Oasis. What he wanted was a creative outlet where he didn’t have the pressure of Oasis hanging over him and time away from brotherly conflict. And Liam didn’t want Noel to have that outlet because he was understandably terrified of losing him, along with his purpose in life. Now he sees he should have let Noel have the outlet but as young man with his own issues and insecurities, he couldn’t see it then. 

They were bound to have creative differences as they grew. Liam is his own person with his own ideas, of course he wouldn’t agree with Noel’s ideas all the time, of course they would disagree. That’s just bands for you. But with those two, their personal differences exacerbated any musical differences.

I adore this version and wish we could hear the whole AA album.

[ambermoonbeanie]

As an individual who has never truly been in touch with their own gender, and has gone through multiple experimental phases with gender identity, I couldn't tell you what gender is, feels like, or my attachment is to it. Maybe it's a social construct, but to me gender feels less like a social construct, while the labels are what are socially constructed.

My personal experience went from questioning my gender to thinking I understood it, despite being unable to feel any inate bond to what gender was described to me as. I would then question my gender again, late at night, spurred on my music and art, by expression of others until I drew a conclusion. This happened a few more times, until I settled on something for a while. And this worked to make me content for a while. Looking back on it, I think some of the thoughts and desires that went along with this sense of identity was to confirm the identity within myself rather than an actual expression of myself.

As of right now, I have reached a different conclusion of my own being. I still don't understand gender or my attachment to it but I understand that I do not favour my current being. I'd rather be space dust, or just something, entirely not human, ideally in the expanse of space. Whether that is a amorphous blob or geometric crystal or something else, that is the form I wish to inhabit, but would also prefer to be able to change over time. None of this is based in reality and I don't know if it'll last, but the feeling is simply that I don't care to be human, I don't care to be anything on Earth. But I am and there isn't anything I can do about it.

But what I do find at least partially appealing is to create stories. I often fail to actually write them down, despite my desire to, but through fiction and art I can try to express myself, even if a tiny bit. The other things in my life are enjoyable, at least, but they don't touch my very being. On a bit of another note, although she and they tend to be the pronouns that I use I don't despise he, I just don't feel it quite fits. And she and they fit better, but don't give the feeling of being quite right. Furthermore, within the flesh that I do have, I am more inclined to have more feminine or androgynous features, and I don't particularly know why, but that's okay. I don't need to know everything about myself, but this is as far as I currently understand myself. This will almost certainly change with time if the past has shown me anything.