#Am I naive for thinking a miracle will happen and they will announce it's in the works? Yes

[shanaywright]

Everyday I die a little inside knowing the second book of RoD was cancelled and I'll never see my babies again.

Sobbing:

Because:

How am I supposed to:

Forget about them?

Like the ending was so bittersweet and great, but so much potential for a second one, ya know? :(

[dyns33]

Two Swallows made a Summer

So I did a Thomas Barrow x Phillip Villiers x Reader... 

Y/N had always wanted to be a free woman. Emancipated. Strong.

But even though there were more and more women's rights movements in the country, it was still complicated.

When she was still very young, she had fled her family who wanted to marry her by force to the son of the neighbours.

Poor Victor wasn't a bad boy. He was going to inherit his parents' store, he was quite a handsome, kind and well-behaved young man.

But Y/N didn't want this life. She didn't want marriage. It was a prison, in which she would become her husband's servant, having to ask his permission to do everything, even work. And she should give him children.

No, really, thank you but no thank you.

It might seem paradoxical that she should become a maid.

But she couldn't find a better job and at least she was earning her own money, which she could spend however she wanted, and in her spare time she could do whatever she wanted without asking anyone's permission.

Besides, the Crawleys were really lovely people.

Well, their daughters were sometimes a little temperamental. And the grandmother could be very severe. And a lot of very bizarre adventures happened to them.

But at least Y/N was never bored, she always had a lot of work, a nice room, she was treated well and her colleagues were quite competent.

At first, she simply had some trouble with Thomas.

Everyone had some trouble with Thomas.

Mister Barrow was a complicated man. Secret. Cold and sarcastic. Sometimes mean.

It took her a while to realize that it was a defence mechanism for him, to avoid being seen as weak, manipulated and hurt. What he had been in the past.

But, knowing this, it was not to be answered with pity. On the contrary.

           "You are late Y/N."

           "Seems to me you're the one ahead Thomas."

           "And once again I have to remind you that you're supposed to call me Mr. Barrow."

           "In life we ​​are supposed to do many things, and sadly it is not always possible for us to do all of them, Thomas. But in any case I am not late."

His shocked look made her smile. Then he resumed his neutral expression, which made her snicker, and suddenly, a true miracle, he snickered with her.

They became friends very quickly after that. It was quite by chance that she discovered his biggest secret. What he called his evil inclinations.

Y/N didn't see the problem with that. What someone did in the privacy of their bedroom was nobody's business. It was just a shame he couldn't be happy and himself the rest of the time. He just wanted to be free too. 

           "...Do you really think that ?"

           "Sure."

           "When Carson found out, he was mortified. And now he's using me to detect which servant or guest are like me."

           "Mr. Carson knows ? And he didn't have a heart attack ?"

           "Unfortunately no."

The decision to get married was obvious after a year together.

Of course, they didn't love each other. Not like this.

But Thomas respected her desire for independence, he treated her as an equal, and he expected absolutely nothing from her. She could do whatever she wanted without ever telling him, they wouldn't sleep in the same bed, not even in the same room, and they would only have children if one day they both wanted to, which was not the case at the moment.

Even though Thomas loved children, he loved his job even more.

For her part, Y/N had to allow Thomas to hide his secret. The announcement of the engagement surprised everyone, and at the same time, their union seemed obvious. They were perfect together.

When they were alone, Carson asked if Barrow was cured, or if he was taking advantage of poor Y/N's naivety. When he realized that she was absolutely not naive, and perfectly aware of Thomas' particular situation, he nodded and left.

The decision to accept a position with the Villiers was not so obvious.

           "Villiers... Wait, that's not the name of the Duke with who you..."

           "Yes."

           "My God. And he wants you to work for him ?"

           "I'm pretty sure Philip knows nothing about this job offer. It's his wife who's looking for a new valet. I believe Mrs. Crawley recommended me."

           "Are you going to accept ?"

           "I do not know."

The place was much better than the one Thomas occupied at Downton Abbey. Better paid. He would have more responsibilities, he would be recognized very quickly as a good employee, and maybe one day he would become a butler.

The letter indicated that he could perfectly well come with his wife, there would be a position for Y/N if she wished.

The Duke and Duchess had two children. Thomas really loved children.

Crowborough was truly a beautiful place.

Everything was perfect.

There was only one small problem. Philip.

           "Maybe he's forgotten. Or forgiven. You've got nothing left to blackmail him with anyway. And you're married now. If you show him you've moved on, that you're behaving in exemplary valet who doesn't pay attention to him when it's not necessary, everything should be fine."

           "You just described the perfect challenge for Philip, who hates when he's not the center of attention."

They accepted the offer, deciding to be optimistic.

As he had expected, the Duke was not at first really pleased to see his former lover arrive. Then, as Thomas had also foreseen, he was not happy to be ignored, flirting as soon as he could with his new valet.

According to Thomas, the Duke hardly changed. He was still just as handsome, if not even more handsome. Very elegant, very attractive. Dangerous too.

Philip was discreet when his wife or witnesses were present, but he didn't seem concerned about shocking Y/N.

For a while she thought it was because he knew that she knew. Since they were married, Thomas had been with several men, and it hadn't bothered her at all.

On the contrary, she was happy for him, smiling, wishing him to finally find the right partner and teasing him when he returned with a mark on his neck and red cheeks.

But it turned out that Philip didn't know anything.

           "He thinks I'm making fun of you. And so he wants to make fun of you too. He's also hoping for a scandal when you find out."

           "It's a bit risky isn't it ?"

           "No, he's considering making a deal with you. Lots of money, for your silence, and to help you get a divorce. Then disgrace for me. That's a bit rough. I guess he's still mad at me for the letters."

           "Well, we both know you're safe. Do you want me to pretend to fall into his trap, or do you prefer to ignore him ?"

           "Hmm. Although I'd love to see his face when he realizes he got played, I'd rather focus on my work."

           "Thomas Barrow, getting serious and responsible. Or rather old and boring."

           "I'm asking for a divorce."

For several months, everything went well, which meant that Thomas and Y/N did their job, while Philip continued to have fun, resting his hand a little too long on the arm or on the back of his valet, whispering orders very close to his ear, and asking him to come and help him in his room when it was very late.

Sometimes Thomas came back with a strange expression. Without saying a word, Y/N patted the bed so that he came to sit next to her, he put his head on her shoulder and he let her cuddle him, massaging his neck.

He still loved Philip. Despite everything that had happened between them, of course he would always love Philip. He had been his first lover. They had shared something very strong. This situation made him suffer a lot.

In front of the Duke, Thomas did his best not to show anything, remaining calm and distant. But one word from Philip, and he might get down on his knees, kiss his hand, do anything for him.

In addition to this love, Thomas really appreciated the Duchess and their two children, who often asked to play with the valet.

It was probably for all these reasons that Thomas ran to their room after hearing a heated discussion between Philip and one of his guests.

           "It's... He knows. They have... The Baron wants to blackmail Philip !"

           "Like you with the letters ?"

           "Worse ! He has pictures !"

Like Thomas, in the years they hadn't seen each other, Philip had had other partners. Many. And contrary to what he had sworn after burning the letters, he hadn't always been careful.

Now a former lover who needed money dared to come to his house to threaten him. If he didn't give him what he wanted, he would show the pictures to his family and the rest of society. Philip would be humiliated, ruined, he would lose everything and would certainly go to prison.

           "...We have to do something." decided Thomas.

           "Do you think he took the pictures with him ?"

           "I don't know. But he doesn't live far away. I... I could get there quickly by train, while he's here. And you could search the room he's occupying while he's out."

           "Do you think they'll let you search his home ? But what am I saying, you're Thomas Barrow, of course they'll let you, you'll come up with a ridiculous excuse."

He kissed her on the forehead, smiling, before taking his coat to run to the station in the middle of the night.

For her part, Y/N waited for the moment when the Baron left his room to sneak inside. She did not find the photos, but incriminating letters and documents. She burned the ones that concerned Philip, and kept the others, just in case. To make sure he didn't keep the photos on him, she then waited for him to take a bath to search his clothes. Nothing.

It wasn't long before the Duke noticed his 'favourite' valet was missing. Y/N invented something, saying that he had received a telegram from his aunt who was seriously ill and who asked him to come. He was sorry, but he would be back soon.

           "Hmm." Philip mumbled, obviously not believing her. "Very well. But don't let that happen again."

           "Of course your Grace. Thank you for your understanding."

When Thomas returned, he looked satisfied. He gave her a wink, indicating that the mission was accomplished.

The Baron noticed that some of his evidence was missing, but unable to complain, and not knowing who had taken it, he left Crowborough. For several days, Philip was very tense, probably imagining that the pictures were going to be made public. Then after a week, he understood that he risked nothing more, by receiving a letter congratulating him for having destroyed everything.

The Duke did not understand, before looking at Thomas and Y/N, remembering the unexplained departure of his valet. Then he understood.

The Barrows understood that he had understood, because his attitude changed. He abruptly stopped flirting cruelly with Thomas, only observing them from afar, with insistence and what looked like admiration. It was strange.

When his wife and the children wanted to go to London, he ordered Thomas to accompany them, because he was really very good with the little ones.

This worried Thomas.

           "He's up to something."

           "What do you mean ?"

           "I know Philip. His wife's departure is a perfect opportunity for him to do whatever he wants. If he sends me with her, and not you... then you have to be careful."

           "Oh, he's going to kill me and hide my body in the cellar ?"

           "Nothing so dramatic. Philip hates getting his hands dirty. He will ask you to kill yourself, then he will get angry because you are not able to bury your own corpse. Please, be careful, he is vicious."

If Philip de Villiers, Duke of Crowborough, was vicious, then he hid it very well.

Even knowing his past, and having seen his manners since she worked for him, Y/N felt like meeting a new man as soon as they were alone.

Philip was nicer. More polite. Charming. Inviting her to sit down with him for tea and a chat. It was the first time they really talked. 

To be fair to him, except when he was with Thomas, the Duke was not that bad most of the time. Good husband, great father, polite master, hard worker. Not much to say against him.

Being honest, he asked her if she knew about Thomas, and he was surprised to learn that she did. Surprised, but not disappointed. He thought it was wonderful.

           "I have to say, I didn't know what to think when I found out Thomas was married. I thought it was unfair to you. And... I was a bit jealous to be honest. Now I'm still jealous, but for others reasons."

           "Which ones, if I may ask ?"

           "You two are clearly friends. Very good friends. With no secrets from each other. You respect and help each other. I wish I had that with someone. With my position, I can't trust anyone. I have too many responsibilities to allow myself to risk my reputation. My wife is a nice woman, but I don’t love her and I know how she would react if she knew. She gave me everything, money, beautiful children. Sometimes it's hard to pretend. To feel so alone."

           "You are not always alone."

           "Ah ! And you have seen the result. I was threatened in my own home. I have to thank you for what you and Thomas have done for me. What can I do to repay you ?"

           "Nothing, your Grace. It was normal."

Philip looked skeptical. He hadn't expected this answer, convinced that the Barrows were going to ask him for something for their help, or that they had kept evidences against him.

Then, while cleaning his office, Y/N found Thomas's letters. She thought it was a coincidence at first, but later realized that Philip had left them there for her to see.

When he had told her about their relationship, Thomas was certain that Philip had burned all the letters long ago, long before he came to Downton to destroy the ones he had.

It was touching to find out that was not the case. That this relationship had really been important to the Duke, to the point that he retained those memories, even after Thomas tried to use his letters against him.

Y/N left them on the desk. Again, the Duke was surprised.

           "I thought you would have got them back."

           "Why ?"

           "I could harm your husband with these letters. Or you could harm me. Didn't you keep the photos ?"

           "No, Thomas destroyed them. As for the letters, they are yours."

So that was his plan. What he had in mind. The Duke believed that Thomas decided to use the pictures against him. He believed that Y/N, as greedy as him, was helping, and since she knew what her husband was, he had to find something else to save his reputation.

It was quite sad to be honest. Y/N was not as offended as she could have been.

           "Your Grace, I guess what you imagine. But Thomas has changed, he has grown up. He has no ill intentions towards you. As for me, I don't meddle in his business except when he asks me to. Like when he asked me to help you. I understand what you're going through. Well, in part. Like you said, you're a Duke, you have a lot of expectations on your shoulders that prevent you from being yourself. But I am a woman, who cannot say or do what I want, so I understand. I understand why you acted like you did. I understand that you loved him, but that it was not possible, and that his desperate attempt to stay with you displeased you. I understand Thomas, who felt used and abandoned. I know that if you could, you would have been together. I wish the world would leave us alone. But know that Thomas will never do anything to hurt you. And so I will never do anything to hurt him, or you."

Philip's response was to kiss her.

Not expecting it, Y/N doesn't react right away, before stepping back and leaving the room, shocked.

Until Thomas returned, she avoided the Duke like the plague, not knowing what to make of his gesture. The kiss had been quick. Pleasant. She didn't want to know if she liked it or not.

She did not dare speak to her husband about it. She didn't know how Thomas would react. Was Philip's goal to hurt his former lover by seducing his wife ? After what they had done for him ? Or it was something else... Was he even interested in women ? It made no sense.

The next week Philip resumed flirting with his valet. Only he was more gentle, more patient. More sincere. This surprised Thomas, who was not sure how to react. It reminded him of their summer, during which they had been very happy.

On top of that, Philip also started flirting with Y/N.

In fact, he often flirted with the Barrows, at the same time. This did not escape Thomas, of course.

           "...He touched your neck."

           "And he looked at your backside with shining eyes. Pass me the tablecloth please."

           "Why did he touch your neck ? And yesterday he had a weird smile."

           "He always has a weird smile."

           "No, I know that smile. It's...Y/N, did he do something when I was in London ?"

           "Can you pass me the plates ?"

           "Y/N."

           "Thomas."

           "You two are really adorable."

They jumped at the same time, which made Philip snicker, who was standing next to them, displaying the famous smile that Thomas was talking about. A huge, happy smile.

As if it was perfectly normal, he put a hand on their shoulder, leaning even closer.

           “To answer your question, yes, I did something. I couldn’t help myself. You know how I love beautiful brave little things. If it was inappropriate, I apologize. But if that wasn't the case... I would be delighted if you would come and help me tonight, to put me to bed. The two of you."

He said the last sentence with a kind of purr before going out of the living room, leaving the couple a bit lost, Thomas staring at her, before blushing and continuing to frantically clean the cutlery, while Y/N tried to catch her breath, putting the plates in their place.

           "... We're not going, are we ?"

           "Of course not."

           "That would be stupid."

           "Ridiculous."

           "He kept your letters."

           "Ah. I imagine he kissed you. He loves kissing."

           "Would you want him to kiss you ?"

           "No... Maybe. If he really needs help tonight, we should go. It's our job after all."

           "Indeed."

           "Unless it was inappropriate. Was it inappropriate ?"

           "It was surprising."

           "As I told you before, he can be vicious. Deceitful. And temperamental, demanding, lazy, annoying. It will be hard to... put him to bed."

           "I found him quite nice. He said he was jealous."

They finished their work in silence, side by side, knowing that they were going to spend the night in the room of the Duke.

And it will only be the first night.

At the Crowborough estate, they felt free, and at the same time imprisoned by love and desire.

[duckieeart]

Victor’s - Moody Date

Hello! This is my entry for @little-butterfly-writes ‘s Contest . It’s my first time writing and I really enjoyed the process of it, enjoy reading this date!

Fandom: MLQC - Victor Li x Duckie (Mc)

Genre : jealousy jealousy jealousy , comfort , Filled with romance ( fluff)

Word count : 3,309

As If its not obvious enough to everybody.

I have feelings towards my boss, victor Li. I did fall in love with a person that I know i can’t reach even if i had him in my wildest dreams. I all i am wishing for is that no one know about these hidden feelings hoping that i will be able to maintain the decision i took and forget about him, But unfortunately things goes unplanned after I experienced certain feeling. jealousy .

If Kiki , Anna , the rest of my friends and colleagues found out about my secret feelings including the letters I wrote about victor secretly , I would get in big trouble , what letters you may ask? It’s simple. Basically, when i feel like I can’t control the love i feel towards him . I write down all my feelings in a letter and hide it somewhere , i got this idea from a movie i watched last year. At first , I haven’t thought not in a million years that I would use this idea and especially writing my unwanted feelings towards my CEO ,Aka victor li .

He was very strict and seemed to be very rude, i used to hate on him . He isn’t my type in men plus we’re completely different. Its not a big surprise since he is the CEO of an worldwide successful company ,LFG.

Just to clarify our differences. He made his company from the beginning meanwhile me, A young lady who inherited a show from her father once she Graduated from college. I didn’t even have an experience in life or the business field.

Everything were so difficult to me and it felt like an endless maze , the fact that I have him as my investor was like a miracle . Not only that but he really take good care of me . He is older in age , with a mature mindset . I am just young reckless, hesitant and inexperienced girl who just got a big position and so naive comparing to what she is responsible for .

I thought alot about giving up but victor make me change my mind and Instead of giving up he gave me the motivation to challenge him , i was in the mood to show him and prove to him that i can take the harsh responsibilities like an adult And be someone who is trust worthy enough to have his five hundred million investment in my show .

With time, i fall in love with him. And with everyday goes by it only grows bigger and bigger than the day before. The more i try to hide my feelings. The more it becomes obvious . When he confessed his feelings to me that day in the rooftop. I was beyond happy. I couldn’t sleep that day. But I quickly get back to the harsh reality, and remembered the huge gap between us, Victor deserve someone near to his position. Not me, comparing to him i am just a crybaby who rant about submitting reports and dealing with the deadlines every week .

But one day, I don’t know what’s goes inside my brain . I couldn’t even control my own body. When i found out that Victor would go to the awards banquet with another woman, I stopped thinking and I couldn’t care less about how weird i am behaving with my colleagues . In that night , i saw victor leaving the fancy banquet hall with another woman.

She looks way more mature and wiser than me. To put it in simple words she has everything i lack, and to my unfortunate luck. She does everything way better than me . And tonight , I witnessed My heart sinking in the ground. Its like i just got drenched in icy cold water in this snowy weather . I drank Alot . Wine, whiskey and even brandy . I couldn’t even recognize the bitterness in them . I just drink to be numb and ease my heart.

When the banquet came to an end ..

“ you two can head home first, its late . The weather is pretty today so i just want to walk and be alone for some time “ I spoke with a shaky voice tone, then left after grabbing my hand bag from the table.

“ whats wrong with our boss? She’s has been acting weird these few days especially today” Kiki spoke to anna.

Anna were worried as well , she just shrugs in confusion replying to kikis question.

“ i have never seen her like that before!” Anna added

“ it’s dangerous to let her be alone !, we can’t just leave her there! “ kiki said

“ she wanted time to get her self together, I think its very inappropriate for us to interrupt her wishes . * she smiled * Don’t worry minor would keep his eyes on her from afar “ Anna said while patting Kiki s shoulder gently to comfort her .

After leaving them. i rushed to the back beautiful garden to try and process everything happened tonight , the scenery were amazing but I couldn’t focus and appreciate it , I started regretting what i did, I shouldn’t push him away acting dumb and slow from the beginning. I love him more than anything, I admit i am very jealous and I don’t know how to deal with it because its my first time feeling this way about someone. I have never wanted someone as much I do for Victor.

These feelings were so exhausting to bear alone ,I was so hopeless that i even shared my story anonymously in tumbler with people but everyone advised me to stay away and forget about him for endless reasons. Yeah, they were right. But..

I also can’t… I CANT STOP LOVING HIM AND GIVE UP ON THIS . people wont have mercy on us and our relationship since we are a boss and worker in love but now seeing this . Realizing I might lose him forever. I don’t care, seeing him taking care of a random woman and accompanying her in the banquet really make me rethink about everything and even that thoughtful decision i took and was so confident about . I decided to head to the parking section for cars to follow them. I started running like crazy .

“GOD PLEASE PLEASE LET ME MAKE IT , PLEASE DONT LET THEM LEAVE TOGETHER ! . PLEASE.. I CANT LOSE HIM THIS TIME” i said begging .

I can lose anything and everything, but not him. I can’t lose Victor!

Because no one loved me like he did And I can’t imagine falling in love again with a different man.

Suddenly my foot slipped and i fall.

The expensive pair of high heel that i brought got ruined too. One of them broke But I couldn’t stop here! Im still in the middle of the way . My legs started be numb and it hurt a little because these shoes were new too , But I didn’t care, I can’t lose the path that can lead me to them! I still have to find Victor!

When i reached to the cars parking space , I couldn’t find them…

My nose suddenly started to burn and my eyes started sweating?, i decided to go back inside the banquet and sit . I couldn’t find chair there so I went to sit the corner on the stairs like a lost child. I started to cry heartily like a baby who lost her parents . But for me comparing to the baby I lost everything, I lost Victor..

My body is shaking and I couldn’t stop the thoughts in my mind. My mind went wild and started to even imagining how they would look together in the church . Kissing each other passionately after announcing them as a husband and wife. My heart suddenly started to beat so fast and I began to struggle breathing , while sobbing quietly.

Suddenly i felt a warm coat landed on my head, shoulders and has familiar manly scent ..

my face were swallowed, especially my eyes and nose. I was slow to react and realizing that this coat belongs to him…. And only him. Victor..

I felt strange feeling , i was happy and relieved that i was able to meet him again.. and that happiness give me strange feelings in my tummy . I believe that’s what they call “butterflies in the stomach” , I felt really warm. I don’t think it’s because of that coat. But him. Who give them his scent and body temperature

“ * sigh helplessly at the view* Dummy.. what are you doing here in this condition ? Don’t you know it’s dangerous area, especially in this hour? What if someone came for you ? Or even decided to kidnap you ,taking you away ? What are going to do? I searched everywhere for you and I couldn’t find you its like you weren’t in this earth from the beginning , WHERE THE HECK YOU WERE??? ………. But most importantly are you okay? Did something happen?……… Duckie , are you crying? “

my eyes couldn’t stop the tears from coming out when he were talking in such an sharp voice, he was really worried so he was furious to see me in such a state alone , but when he noticed that i was crying so hard, sniffing and wiping my eyes his voice turned so soft and calm

he grabbed my hands and hold them between his hands to warm them up

I refused to talk or face him because i wasn’t looking at my best right now, he just kneeled down to my level like prince charming and looked at me, he noticed how swallowed and red my face are.. he reached with his hands to hold my cheeks while massaging my under eyes

“ do they hurt A lot? “ he said quietly ,

I nodded while looking in the ground, my eyes fell upon his shoes trying to avoid his glare.

“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine too. Lets go home first … its getting late” he said..

I nodded because i was too tired to reply using sentences . I stand and remembered my broken heels and slightly injured foot.

Before I could explain, Victor carried me bridal style , I didn’t needed to explain anything. I felt warm , safe and happy, that I forget that I’m being held between his arms . I gave up to the warm sensation and fall asleep.

Victor put me in his car gently , wrapping my body with his big coat then went to grab hot tea and body warmers from the super market near by.

i took some time to wake up, when i wake up i was still in his car , the car was really warm. I didn’t find Victor on the driver seat so i looked outside.

i saw him tapping on his tablet working and answering calls . I also noticed that we’re near the sea and its 12am . I took my time appreciating the view , then i knocked at the window. Victor saw me and returned to the car.

“ you wake up, how do you feel now ? “ he asked with a soft voice

“ i am better now , sorry for making a scene back there. I was really upset about something so i was drunk , angry and upset thats why I decided to be alone , sorry i worried you and caused you trouble “i said while looking into his eyes.

“ dummy… And why did you drink? “ he said angrily ..

“ please don’t be mad i was just so upset, can’t you just allow me to drink only this time?” I said

“ yes, i am angry at you… but also glad to see you safe and better. After all , i can’t ask for more from dummy like you” victor said then poked the tip of my nose lightly with his fingers , after that he patted my head gently, smiling at me .

“ its late, let’s head home” he said

After few minutes driving i realized that we are in different path and its unfamiliar to me.

“ where are we going “ i asked hesitantly ..

“ to My home” he said

“ to your home??”

“Well, only if your apartment was nearby like my home. Its late already, just sleep tonight in my house” he said calmly

I nodded in agreement.

After few minutes we arrived.

Victor opened the door for me , i entered inside . His home was big but also felt so warm and cozy . Victor turned to face me “ go and take a hot shower, then dry your hair. Don’t get cold. I asked them to prepare you clothes. If you need anything ask me “ he said

i went to the room. It was big as expected and has a fancy bathtub. After i finished showering and preparing for bed. When i was about to head to sleep, I suddenly heard knocks on my door .

“Get in “ i said

The door was opened and it was victor, he was wearing his classic black pjs

“ as expected, you didn’t even dry your hair yet you headed to sleep anyways“ he said..

“What if you get cold?” He added

He went to grab a hairdryer from the drawer . Then turned to face me

“ come here” he said

I understand what he want so i sit and give him my back. He started to dry my hair, touching my hair so gently. After he finished drying my hair he took a hair tie and started to tie my hair.

“ there’s something I wanted to say to you” he said

“ hmm? “ I replied

“ i will get to the point “ he said

“ I might not know what exactly that got you so bothered like that , but you must know that there are a lot of circumstances in the world that are out of our control. The causes and reasons behind every circumstance is complicated. In a world where it’s impossible to know everything, it’s normal that we experience things we cannot understand and find difficult to accept. Even so, we have to accept it. There are many ways to accept it. Crying is also one of them. However, only for one night. ( he took my hand that was planning on reaching my face)…. And don’t rub your eyes, it will be better if you leave it and take a good sleep “ he added .

After leaving, he leaned to kiss my head .

“ good night “ he said

“ wait! “ i said

His eyes locked into mine , waiting for me to say what I want to say.

“ why did you went to the banquet, with her? “ i couldn’t stop my curiosity so i asked him .

He chuckled quietly then pinned my chin forcing me to look at him..

“ you jealous? “ he said

A bold idea came up to me ,

“Yes..i am! “ I didn’t wasted time and answered his question seriously.

He was frozen in his place , stopped chuckling and has a surprised face expression .

I gathered all my courage to say the three most difficult words ..

“ i love you victor! “ i said , while looking into his face..

then reached to his face and give him a quick peck on his lips ..

“ don’t make me feel this way again, I hate it !“ i said and then went for another kiss . But He didn’t kiss me back , still surprised by my bold move.

“ when i saw how you looked to her when she was talking to you . You were smiling while and looking into her eyes , I wondered if you ever started to lose your feelings towards me , i was really scared of losing you.. i even started to imagine how you would look in your groom suit .. standing beside her in front of everyone… i was so scared “ my voice cracked at the end.. i felt the tears forming in my eyes

“ I really… really don’t want to lose you . I did my research about her, She won countless times and even has the f-“ my speech were cut off with his hot kiss .

He closed his eyes and rested his one hand on the back of my head and the other on my neck.

He pulled his lips away from mine when he noticed how i was struggling to breathe.

“ … you talk too much” he said while maintaining his sharp eyes on me.

“Since when you had these thoughts on that little brain of yours? Instead of using it on useless things, apply this effort and worry about your unfinished weekly report instead. You thought I haven’t noticed how distracted you were ?“ Victor said.

“ relax dummy , Lili is just an older sister to me. She asked if i can company her since her husband on business trip outside china. Lili is busy in work but also dealing with three kids at the same time. I was just helping her manage the deal she had with SJ company , you don’t have to worry that little head of yours on such matters “ victor added.

“ Duckie, i searched for you, and luckily after 10017 years i was able to meet you again. The little head of yours could never imagine how bad I wanted to see that silly smile of yours again. I waited for so long , and you better make it up to me. In other words , Be mine” victor said , while holding my left cheek and went for another breathless kiss ..

“ i —-love —-you——-, Dummy “ he said between his kisses ..

“ don’t close your eyes, look at me when iam talking to you. You know that i love when you’re bold with me, right?” he said smiling at me then slightly biting my lower lip ..

“I was so happy when i met you, in the end of the banquet . I thought you went with her“ i said while having a big silly smile on my face

“ There is only one thing you should be happy about……. It has always been you and only you” he said while looking at my eyes and holding my hot blushing cheeks in his big hand .

After making out sessions for straight two hours , he lay me down on the bed pulling the quilt over my body.

“ go to sleep, and NEVER think about theses useless matters . if you want to ask me something Just ask me directly ... Goodnight dummy” he said ..

“Good night” i replied softly

He smiled then give me a final forehead kiss and went outside the room after dimming the lights ..

In the next day i went to LFG to submit my weekly report , suddenly i received a call from Kiki

“ boss, i made a surprise for you!! you are going to thank me for it . Don’t overthink about it, and just enjoy the surprise” she said while giggling in mischievous manner.

She closed the call, i was nervous and curious at the same time but I didn’t pay much attention on that because I didn’t have much time left, i have weekly report to submit! . I hurried to victors office and luckily I arrived on time but I found my secret love letters has been opened on victors office already and he had one of them on his hand , taking his time reading it while drinking his coffee ..

he noticed me standing near the door , surprised and embarrassed . Victor smirked in anticipation

“ You have a lot of explainings to do , Producer Duckie “ he said while giving me smirky face

what a Great start to my day.

The End

Thank you for reading, see you next time!

[calliecat93]

It’s been a long year everyone, but at last we have arrived. RWBY Volume Eight. This is the fourth volume I’ll be doing text reviews of, which feels crazy. I’ve been watching this show more or less form the start, and I can safely say that this is the most scared I’ve ever been. Not because of the quality, I have high hopes for that. But we know how the last volume ended. We knew that it was going to carry over into this one. And it was even MORE tense than we expected. It’s gonna be one heck of a Chapter 1 review, I can say that.

Before that, we have a new opening! Sadly, to my knowledge, the song title hasn’t been announced yet. But other than that... oh man. There is a LOT to unpack here. SO much to analyze. So much to speculate. Once more Jeff and Casey gave us a banger, and Casey was NOT kidding when she said it was dark. But before we proceed any further, let’s get the disclaimer out of the way

(Warning: This post WILL contain spoilers for RWBY V8 Chapter 1. If you have yet to see the episode and do NOT wish to be spoiled, PLEASE scroll past this post. You have been warned.)

We begin seeing Mantle int he state we’re used to, but it glitches. The blues and whites shift into reds, fires and chaos are widespread, and the Grimm are wreaking havoc. This is going to be what Mantle looks like the moment that Salem strikes the city. The one watching this all unfold? Ruby. She failed to stop Ironwood and the division between our heroes, Atlas, and Mantle is greater than before. The poor girl can only watch in horror as Mantle burns, Atlas continuing to hover above... for now at least.

The theme oft the volume, contrast to last volume’s themes of trust and fear, is mistrust and division. The first chapter demonstrated this, but I’ll save that for then. But here? We have the logo causing a divide between Ruby herself, and all of her allies. I could be reading into this too much, but I do have to wonder... si something going to happen that causes Ruby to strike out on her own? Do things go badly and she’s the only one who doesn’t quit? Does the pressure get to her and she does something that causes everyone, ever her own teammates and sister, to turn their backs on her? It’s hard to say, but I don’t think that Ruby is coming out of this 100% the same.

Ah, isn’t this nostalgic? Our girls really have come far. Ruby went from a naive, innocent girl with an overly idealistic dream to a true Huntress who wants to make lives better after witnessing how bad it can really be. Weiss when from a spoiled rich girl suffering form neglect and a controlling father, to a defiant young woman determined to reclaim her family name her way. Blake has gone from a frightened girl to a woman broke free of her abuser’s control and is fighting for both equality and for her loved ones. Yang was a confident, yet reckless girl with abandonment issues and while she went through great loss, she came back even stronger and shining even brighter.

The girls have changed. They have grown. They’ve lost their innocence along the way, but they survived and kept moving forward. But while they could, another failed to do the same...

The general has completed his descent into villainy. He is now a cold, heartless tin soldier who is willing to take any step he deems necessary to protect Atlas. Even if it means cold-blooded murder. Even here, there is nothing but coldness in his eyes and as the shadows engulf him, we see the image of Atlas fall into ruin. We also see Clover’s badge, and the images of his remaining teammates and Qrow. Marrow in particular just looks uncertain about everything, a major contrast to how upbeat he was last volume. Harriet... just looks like she has been consumed by hate and rage. And if I had to guess, it’s going to be aimed at Qrow. She may claim to not be friends with her teammates, but losing Clover is going to have some very, VERY bad affects on her and the others. Especially under Ironwood’s influence.

We see Qrow downcast before Robyn offers him a hand in support. Yeah, think it’s safe to say that these two are gonna launch some kind of prison break. Looking forward to it~! Then we cut to Oscar, clutching his head and looking like he is in pain. He’s surrounded by Grimm and it looks like he’s int he Grimm Whale. We know that Salem is after him, so... yeah, my concern is VERY high. Also we see Salem in a new form and... umm... the apparition of her in V5 has now been topped in... help us world.

Returning to the theme of division, that seems to be central especially for Ren and Nora. Last volume, they were in conflict with Nora unable to get Ren to open up, even after they finally kissed. Here? It seems the drift is only going to grow. Ren glances at Nora, before facing away. Nora had been facing away, but then she glances back at Ren before turning around. She just looks so upset and pained as she stares at the man she loves. Along with Nora willingly splitting from Ren in Chapter 1... it’s gonna be a ROUGH volume for Renora shippers everywhere.

We come to the Schnee Family. Weiss and Winter walk past each other. At first, Winter looks like her usual, composed self. But as she passes her sister, her attire changes to have her new cybernetic features. her composed expression shifts into one of sadness and maybe even guilt. Weiss seems to notice, looking up with wide eyes before the scene shifts. We know that the two will be in conflict now due to their opposing sides, even though neither clearly wants to be. Chances are they’ll meet face-to-face again, and it is NOT going to go well as they must decide whether or nit to fight each other on their respective sides.

Then we see Whitley and Willow. No Jaques, though we know he will be appearing. Willow continues to look tired and depressed, and I can only hope that somehow SOMETHING goes better for her here. But then we have Whitley. Despite his role being minor, Whitley got hit a heavy blow with Jaques arrest curtesy of Weiss. But here he looks like he’s trying to look calculative... but his fear is shining through. The kid is in a bad place and I doubt that he’s broken form his father’s control. Will Weiss help him out of it? or is it too late?

Then we shift to a chess board. We have Salem, her pawns all ready and charging ahead with their attack. Now I knwo nothing about Chess, but clearly the Queen is winning. Ironwood is on the opposite side, all of his chess pieces fading into dust as the board breaks away. He stands alone, completely open to checkmate. The King is about to be overthrown. Ironwood has driven off hsi allies, and the remaining are likely either going to soon follow or fall to Salem’s forces. For all his efforts to save Atlas, all that he is done is secure it’s downfall, as well as his own. Yeah, even if by some miracle he realizes his mistakes, I don’t think that James is coming out of this alive, and it will all be by his own doing.

We see Watts being Watts, typing away. I have to wonder... does he somehow escape form custody? Or does ironwood willingly let him free for his side? The guy is desperate, he’ll do anything to win, even strike up a bargain. Which Watts would absolutely take and use the access for his own means. Maybe even some hacking...

Then we have Pietro, himself hard at work. Behind him is a mirror, and his reflection turns to look at Penny. Compared to the bright smile she had int he last opening, Penny looks scared and dishearted. She is looking at her hands, closing her eyes as though in resignation. We see her reflection glance at her. To just increase my fears of a potential ‘Watts hacking Penny’ theory, here are some images from later in the opening.

The first has Penny up above the heroes. At first I thought it was just her flying up to get into a battle stance. I didn’t realize how she was facing the gang face first. Right in front of Amity, and in between Atlas and Salem. Then from the tail-end, we have this 2D effect showing her eye. It goes from the usual green color, to a bright red, which soon engulfs the rest of the lines. Yeah... I know I panicked about Penny getting hacked last volume... but I am even moreso now! 

A snowflake falls into Ren’s palm before promptly meting. Due to the color fo his glove, it looks like a flower petal. He looks down at it forlorn. Jaune puts a hand on his shoulder and he, Yang, and Oscar are there. Btu the support doesn’t do anything to change Ren’s expression. We then see a flower petal fly by Nora, who tries to catch it. She fails, but Ruby, Weiss, Blake, and Penny appear at her side. This perks her up as she gets into a battle stance. Once more, emphasizing the divide between Renora and showing us our current team dynamics. They have separate goals, but they aren’t divided... at least, not right now.

Then we have this shot of Ruby and Yang. I’ve bene predicting for a while that there was going to be a conflict between this two. They have VERY different ways of handling things, and last volume made it clear that while she stood by her, Yang was having doubts about Ruby’s decisions. I’ll go more into that when I review Chapter 1, but I am hoping that this shot shows that no matter what issues they have between them and even if they end up arguing, they WILL work past it. They’re still sisters. They still love each other. They still ultimately have the same goal. No matter what happens, they will be there for each other.

After a really cool battle sequence (I’d post the pics but this si already a MASSIVE post), it freezes. When it does, we see Cinder walk past it. At first, she is displaying the demeanor that we expect from her. Confident, egotistical,a nd wearing that sick smirk on her face. You know the one. She also walks past neo and Emerald. Neo looks exactly what we expect, annoyed. Emerald looks more optimistic though, also expected. I think it’s safe to say that Neo’s gonna turn on Cinder fairly soon, especially after Chapter 1. But will Emerald? We’’ve been hoping, but will this be the moment she finally realizes that Cinder doesn’t care about her and get out? Only time will tell.

But Cinder’s usual smugness stops when she grabs her arm in pain and screams. Her Grimm Arm. As many have noted, the arm has slowly been consuming her body. It went form just up to her elbow, to now engulfing up to her shoulder. Not to mention Winter managed to slice it off, and it grew back in a pretty violent manner. Given what we saw in the start of the episode, it looks like we may FINALLY be getting the Cinder backstory and truly understanding her motives. I think that Cinder will reach a breaking point in this volume. One that is NOT gonna be pretty or do our heroes any good.

We get the usual villain lineup which ends at Salem, We get a close-up of her eyes, and in them are the Relics. No shock that those are what she’s aiming for. Then we see both the Lamp and the Staff, and they both glow and let loose the blue smoke. It brings up a question... we all know that the Gods will be summoned if all four are brought together. But what would happen if two are brought together? If the two are used together, what will it cause? Either way, both of them are gonna be vital in whatever happens.

The image glitches again, going form the  Grimm devastation to Ruby looking out at Atlas. She is with the others, her scythe being use to cause a division line between the two current groups (as seen in the top image). Then, the ice cracks beneath her feet. She and the rest of Team RWBY fall into the depths below. Remember that scene in the V6 opening when Qrow got dragged down by Grimm arms? And how that symbolized his conflict int he season as he endured a downward spiral? Well... it might be Team RWBY’s turn.

The girls fall into the water, sinking into the abyss. But there are light particles surrounding them, and Ruby opens her eyes to see the light above. The source? The Staf fof Creation? She reaches up for it, only for a group to Grimm arms to grab her and keeping her from going upward. The lyric accompanying this is “Sometimes it’s worth it all to risk the fall and fight for every life.” Could this hint to Ruby deciding to use the Staff to stop Salem? If she does, then this will guarantee Atlas’ Fall f she makes even a minor mistake. Is that a risk that she is willing to take? What will happen if she does so? How will her team react? Will this cause a greater divide? Like I said, Ruby ain’t gonna have a good time in this volume...

Then we have the following words appear.

Happy Ever After. The same words we see at the end of every fairy tale. But life isn’t a fairy tale now, is it? The words get crossed out and twisted. Until at the end, we are left with...

Yeah... if you needed more proof that this volume was going to be dark... here you go.

We end with the girls weapons landing at the bottom of the abyss. The last to do so is Crescent Rose, and we cut to it emended in the ice with the moon behind it. It’s a shot that reminds me GREATLY of Ruby’s first ever appearance in the Red Trailer all those years ago. And aas the petals scatter, we have the credit to Monty Oum. Your show has come so far Monty, hope you’re proud right now.

This opening was fantastic! The song sounds like a VERY twisted version of Lets Just Live, being about the heroes realizing the true horrors of their world but there’s no real motivation to keep living this time. Now it’s all about how bad things have gotten, and ends with wondering if sometimes, it’s best to take a risk to save everyone. As far as where I rank this, song-wise it hasn’t topped Let’s Just Live, Rising, and Trust Love, but I think it’s beaten the other four. That can always change though. Animation wise... I’m still trying to decide if it’s topped Opening 7 or not. But it is very, VERY good. The fact that they managed to make it look this good despite the work-at-home environment is commendable.

And... that’s it! I hope you all enjoyed this! The review for Chapter One will be coming soon. But for now, thank you all for reading, and let’s get ready for one Hell of a volume~

[wiltdflowers]

(sophie skelton, cis female, sheher, twenty-five) ** ♔ announcing GENEVIEVE WINDSOR,  the PRINCESS OF ENGLAND ! in a recent portrait they seem to resemble SOPHIE SKELTON. it is a miracle that SHE survived the last five years, considering they are AFFABLE, CYNICAL, and PHILOPHOBIC. i hope the plague has not changed them. they are FOR working together with the other kingdoms 

hello all ! i’m taylor or tay whichever works, your resident coffee addict and lover of high fantasy. below you’ll find genevieve’s intro who is a character i played briefly before and i love her dearly. if you’d like to plot with her feel free to hit me up on discord at emotional support cowboy#2758 ! there’s definitely more to come i’m just lazy !

full stats page here !

trigger warnings : a lot of talk about religion , illness , grief and self doubt / hints of mental illness . fair warning that i am personally not religious so i cannot vouch for a ton of accuracy to catholicism but am doing my best given the information i have from childhood sunday school and the time period in question .

genevieve is the second youngest windsor but often she feels like the situation is far different . their family is complicated and now missing two members which was a hard hit for gen . she likes to think she was close with her sisters and loved them dearly but their deaths had a significant negative impact on her .

the plague was a tragedy and part of gen believes that her family specifically had ensited something terrible and were being punished by god . she never became sick herself but watched her family deteriorate before her eyes and that is not something she can simply unsee . 

gen was always unrealistic to the standards put upon her as a child . she lived with her head in the clouds and dreamed of independence . most of her youth was based around education and it was always something she had been fond of . she knows it is not needed for a person of her status but it is something she has always sought out and found comfort in . 

she has never been much of an optimist but in no way in gen any less friendly or sweet in nature , she has just become groomed by society to be something that she ( and probably the rest of her family know she is not ) from a young age she understood that growing up meant marriage to a man she would more than likely not know and ruling a kingdom or serving an alliance . like many before her , and many after , she’d be another pawn in a complicated game of chess but she always wanted more .

she has a slight denial that love actually exists , never having experienced it herself . it’s not that she believes it could never happen because if it did , it would and a part of her wants it but she understands how rare that was . 

her distaste for marriage stems in a loss of freedom and independence , one that she does not really have to begin with and is grasping onto whatever would remain left of it before being shipped off without a second thought . 

she is a capricorn without a doubt . ambitious , realistic , persistent . she is also closed off and while not dishonest does withhold information if needed . she also has a difficult time processing vulnerable or negative emotions around many people because she understands in her position as a royal she is not supposed to be less than perfect . it was a harsh expectation growing up and she’d give anything to feel like a kid again . 

gen is also well known for boring suitors to sleep , often making herself seem terribly dull to get them to leave her the fuck alone . she has been avoiding getting married for quite some time but she knows that clock is running out and it really is not in her favor . 

she is for the kingdoms remaining peaceful as she is not one to particularly agree in war , however she is aware that she cannot hold those opinions and watch many suffer / die . it is a difficult position to be in because occasionally gen does think with her own self interest before a sense of selflessness shoves over and takes main priority . 

gen is far from naive but she does not know everything and there is no way for her too . realistically she is aware despite her love and desire for independence she is not in a time for it so she is more likely to choose to conform not bull headed enough to put up a big enough fight against it . she also fears being alone forever , she could never admit it but it scares her that she’ll die alone and unloved . 

she is a social butterfly due to status but would rather keep to herself really . 

personality wise she is everything a family like hers would probably not want but physically she is . she’s tall and beautiful and most of all healthy . the only damage the plague had upon her was a mental one . 

character inspirations : jo march ( little women ) amy march ( little women : from this specific scene for the most part ) eleanor crain ( haunting of hill house ) donna troy ( titans / dc ) persephone ( greek mythos ) hermione granger ( harry potter ) keyleth ( critical role )

tropes : bookworm , fatal flaw , born lucky , defrosted ice queen , head turning beauty , trauma conga line , letting her hair down , raised catholic .

hogwarts house : hufflepuff .

temperament : melancholic . 

alignment : neutral good .

mbti : infj - t ( advocate ) .

[honmakurara]

Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru: extensive manga review

Tormented and explicit, sharp and sophisticated: what Mizushiro Setona's masterpiece really is.

Warning: minor spoilers ahead. "I want to read something erotic and violent": this is what Mizushiro Setona's editor asked her, echoing the request of their chief editor when assigning to the mangaka a story for the supplement of the Josei magazine Judy, meant to be read by an adult female target: "I don't expect you to write a nice story. You have other skills you can count on. You can narrate about gay people, for instance, or about sadomasochism."

Starting from the first casual incursion of Mizushiro-sensei into the world of Boys' Love, between the years 2004 and 2006 Kyūso wa Cheese no Yume o Miru (窮鼠はチーズの夢を見 - The cornered mouse dreams of cheese) was born and defined; it is one of the most beautiful and intense stories ever written about such a genre and beyond, which did even receive excellent notes from the well acclaimed Takemiya Keiko-sensei of the renowned Group 24. Starting with these premises, one can already understand how Mizushiro-sensei, who was not a master of Boys' Love back then, has nonetheless been able to offer an excellent tale that transcends the borders of genres and ranges over way beyond what it had been asked her: the story had been initially conceived as a few chapters later compiled in one tankobon, but it eventually came back on the pages of Judy with a new series of chapters. These ones have also been later published, three years later, in a sequel tankobon titled Sōjo no Koi wa Nido Haneru (俎上の鯉は二度跳ねる - The carp on the chopping block jumps twice). After the renewed interest offered to Otomo and to the cunning Imagase's story, that the live action movie announcement awakened, the new manga chapter Hummingbird Rhapsody has been added to the whole franchise, which is included in the recently revised Japanese edition of the manga.

"Imagase... I'm scared of you...!"

"And I'm... scared of you, too."   There's however not only violence and eroticism in this intricate story, and such a definition would actually mean to simplify way too much what it portrays, not to mention it would not fit exactly what the author was actually able to convey into it; other than the most obvious themes and elements, many others way more implicit and elaborate ones can be found there. We can even have a hint of that by peeking at the cover illustration of the volume, where a languid surface does not betray the contradiction of the soul. We can see an elegant portrait of the two main characters, who both hide all but dignified emotions inside them; a very accurate mirror of such a picture, which graphically reminds us of the previous editions of the manga, is the mind of the thirty years old Otomo Kyoichi after his encounter with Imagase. Otomo is a married adult man, leading an apparently impeccable life: he has good looks, polite manners and a nice job. He is gentle and esteemed by his colleagues and is able to make the many women crossing his path sigh from expectation. He cannot resist women either, that is why his life is an endless sequence of cheating on his wife. He reckons they are of no importance, at least until his wife hires the private eye Imagase Wataru to investigate upon his possible infidelities. Imagase is no new man in Otomos' life, being a kohai within the tennis club at university: he proposes to Otomo to be silent with his wife, in exchange for the heated make-out session that he never dared asking before, despite his being a unprejudiced homosexual guy having a crush on Otomo since forever. After the end of Otomo's wedding, though, the intimate encounters between the two men do not stop at all; they are pushed towards a fierce depth instead, symbols of a spiral of lust and psychological turmoil from which Otomo cannot willingly go back any more. "I am no good one."

"I know this. Bad natured men like you are the worst. Do you think that everyone is looking for that perfect person? You can't fall in love with anyone but that one person?"

"Someday, you'll find true love, too. The time will come when you can't help the feelings that well up inside you and you'll be carried away."

The themes and the premises are taken from various undoubtedly not new Boys' Love clichés; Mizushiro-sensei makes skillfully use of them to plumb the human soul as she does in many other works of her, making the story evolve quickly into something way different and way wider than what the numerous and explicit sex scenes might make us think at first. It takes a doting and obsessive homosexual guy into the life of some apparently happy man like Otomo in order to make the latter understand that his marriage is merely an empty shell, built with no true nor deep feelings to live an ordinary life. The encounter with Imagase, though, forces Otomo to think back deeply about his own actions and the meaning to give to his own life, until he gets to understand that despite his true gentleness, he has never cared for other people's feelings at all.

The relationship with Imagase makes his worst side come to the surface: jealous impulses, selfishness and possessiveness, unsuspected masochistic and yet dominating preferences, obscure compulsions and a never missing inclination towards all sorts of temptations. Otomo is no role model nor someone to praise and yet, he's neither a man whose submissive personality can be easily blamed. Such a personality is a spectrum of a lid hiding a lot of things, a reflection of our own fearful and insecure behaviour, our own incapability of getting to call ourselves into question until the moments, those surprising and unexpected moments, that are to change life for real. That these two lovers embody a strong universal value is further suggested by the choice of the Japanese kanjis with which their names are written: Mizushiro-sensei identifies Otomo Kyoichi (大伴恭一) with the definition of 'partner' itself, a potential alter ego of each of us; she entrusts Imagase Wataru (今ヶ瀬渉, from the kanjis of 'quickness', 'crossing', 'involvement' and 'human relations') with the importance of getting to catch the 'carpe diem', the fleeting moment. Should we were to play with the language a little bit, we would find out that the union of the two main characters would lead us to the meaning of a 'relationship with a partner', the play of the cat with its little mouse happening here and now, the moment that we are to live in every single instant.

"You're kidding?! I cannot believe it… You can't decide?! Between a woman... or a man?!” - Natsuki -

"Maybe Imagase is right... maybe I still have to know what true love it. Next month, I’ll turn 30."

Otomo meets a long series of women, each of whom is identified by a definite face and a marked, strong personality. Each of them leaves a vivid notch into Otomo's life; and yet, no one of these figures is able to open a gash into his soul. The true Otomo is unfathomable to anyone, himself included, just like he himself can finally understand after the new encounter with Imagase breaks the quiet surface of his existence. The desirable man that Otomo is in his colleagues' eyes, through Imagase's cynical and revealing gaze he proves to be none other than a failed seducer, a man devoid of lash and decisiveness, a figure suddenly insecure even about what the true and intense physical pleasure is and how to gain it. It is Imagase who makes the miracle, intercepting his senpai's emotional black hole, and the latter finally manages to find out where the borders of his own self lay and how to humbly face his own limitations and inner being. This does not happen thanks to a man, nor thanks to a good guy, but rather because of a tempting snake who exploits Otomo's weaknesses with a cheeky and direct attitude towards him; by acting like so, Imagase takes a vengeance towards his own young self, first of all, the one who had been unable to face with sincerity the object of his adoration, back then. "No matter how sweet he might be, he is war away, like the moon."

His impetuous whims and his sensual attentions take the lid off Otomo's soul in the deep and they produce the most unexpected of effects, by reversing the parts of this play: Otomo, the one who never even thought he would were to find himself one day on the verge of turning 30 years old by asking himself about the true nature of love, becomes fond of the weird daily life established with Imagase, and he adapts himself to such cohabitation with surprising rapidity. He becomes more and more aware of a homosexual relationship in which he, however not knowing how to move, goes on with the cautiousness, the tenderness and the care he had never reserved to any other person before, in his whole life. He even gets to question himself what it is that truly determines the happiness of a couple, both in the short and medium-long term. As for Imagase, he teaches his senpai how to increase the physical pleasure in a more and more intense way, making him find out what offering someone unconditional love means. Someone who is clearly an imperfect one in all his weaknesses, but at the same time someone who is loved for the one he is, and not just because he embodies the ideal of an unattainable perfect man.

As the relationship with Otomo evolves, though, it is Imagase slowly losing the control he had on the whole situation, as he lavishes his spasmodic need for affection -also made up of a sometimes exasperating and childish attitude-  on a story born out of a youthful crush later evolved in true and heartbreaking love, against every possible prevision.  

"I'm just eating away your current existence. I can't make you happy."

"I'll decide whether or not I'm happy. We're both so selfish."

That is why within the play of the cunning black cat with his naive mouse, it is no obvious at all who the real prey or the predator are; quite on the contrary, the roles are repeatedly overturned, both on a psychological and on a sexual level, in a turn-up which is mostly unprecedented as for what Boys' Love works are concerned: as the pages become more daring, there's a parallel growth of the sexual purse power that each of these main characters can use towards one another. A strong and undermining power. Playing tag, letting go, keeping on running after each other once again: all of those are demonstration of a love both childish and adult-like in its elements, a overwhelming love taken to the limit of the obsession, a deep affection that while looking straight into reality, forces both men to ask themselves how much they are willing to leave back of their own selfishness in exchange for an improper relationship, and yet a fulfilling and indispensable one. That is why it is equally truly fitting, the choice of borrowing the name of animals for the titles of the chapters, and these very same animals appears as 'guest-stars' inside the story itself: from a frame hanging at a restaurant to a lighter herald of jealousies, there is no similarity more proper than fish, cats, snakes, owls and butterflies to suggest us behaviours that are to recall the most primeval and animal-like instincts of the human beings. Weaving traps and spider webs: those mean, sleazy and petty acts that people also do when they're in love. "The obstacle is you. And so am I." The frame of this symbolism closes with a gaze looking up at the cover illustration, where the portraits of animals silently stand out in the background behind the main characters. At the same time, such a gaze looks suggestively up at the moon: the Romeo and Juliet described by Shakespeare invoked the moon for an eternal oath, while the Japanese writer Natsume Soseki in his famous 'Tsuki ga kirei, desu ne?' (the moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?) metaphorically used the moon for a declaration of love. Mizushiro-sensei entrusts the white satellite with Otomo and Imagase's most unspeakable thoughts, for which the moon so becomes a silent leitmotif, as if it was a sensual tokonoma opening inside the story for all those people who can see beyond it: a sort of a story in the story, like a delicate, deep, subtle and intimate alcove. It goes beyond saying that every single dialogue of Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is either enigmatic and cheeky and equally provoking and misleading: what we do reckon we understand about Otomo and Imagase, through their own words, gets later regularly denied by other facts. With thick lines and dialogues that are to tell us the very contrary of what they actually intend to convey, we cannot help but rely then on the inner voices of the many Otomos in his mind, in order to understand the nude truth: the white Otomo, the black and the grey one can maybe remind us of the concept behind the Pixar movie Inside Out, but Kyuso's one is by far forerunner of the latter. Mizushiro-sensei will make excellent use of such theme again by exploring it fully, and not without a subtle humour, in her following Nōnai Poison Berry manga; at the same time, the intricate juxtaposition of human beings and animals comes back to life in the well appreciated Shoujo manga Afterschool Nightmare, while the ultimate aim to attribute to ourselves and to love becomes the core of the romantic comedy Shitsuren Chocolatier, winner of the 36th Kodansha Manga Award - Shojo/Josei and also nominated for the Tezuka Award in 2014. Other than a fully substantial work per se, Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru can be also seen as a sort of effective experimental testing ground for the mangaka herself and her various best works.

"You think that's acceptable?!"

"Acceptable to whom?"

"To society!"

"You're overly self-conscious, as usual... society doesn't care about your sex life."

Mizushiro-sensei's style distinguishes itself for a modern and state-of-the-art graphic, an elegant and refined one, and Kyuso makes no exception: the peculiar design, so clean without any trace of deburring, gets softened as time and years passing by, as we can see by comparing the drawings made for the first chapters of the story with those from the Melancholy Butterfly onwards, and until the recent Hummingbird Rhapsody. Here the lines are so delicate and thin that they almost suggest us they could literally flake off under the piercing gaze of the reader. By leafing through the tankobon, all we can see are tidy pages, sometimes with no balloons at all, thus resulting in a huge expressive performance. The design is sharp and essential as for what details are concerned, but it is no minimalistic one; it is accurate in the depiction of bodies in every detail and characterized by a certain subtle sensuality, this latter marking not only the most rated scenes but also able to permeate the whole work instead. As used as she is in narrating with extraordinary ability about twisted and askew themes and exploring the human psyche with related sexual and gender identity issues, Mizushiro Setona offers us pages with highly aesthetic value, thrilling and bold ones, not without a sort of a certain aesthete voyeurism when depicting lovemaking scenes, however never vulgar at all. They manage to effectively evoke with a surprising visual impact, instead, the devastating passions from which both the characters and the readers end up being shaken and overwhelmed from. The violence this manga is impregnated with is mostly about its psychological insight, rather than the physical one, sex being however undoubtedly an inescapable element of the complicated events binding Otomo to Imagase: it is a key of the story but no ultimate reason of it. That is why we cannot help but follow, almost in a state of trance, how this couple is eventually able to get to intimately know each other by starting from a kiss born out of a blackmail, and thenquickly slackening every inhibition under the sheets through reversal of positions, seme/uke roles and sadomasochistic implications.

"Do you love me? Or after you got a taste of being loved so passionately are you pretending to be my lover as compensation for my feelings?"

How such a sentimental-psychological tangle can be outlined into a story constantly in balance between drama and comedy, keeping a perfect balance between each of its many faces always, without ever falling nor losing a thing, the reader can find it one page after another, surprising himself together with Otomo and Imagase in a thick and tormented love story, terribly authentic as much as its complicated and complex characters are. The pressing storyboard does now allow any rest nor break nor peace: accusations and skirmishes rebound from one man to the other in a never-ending evolution and involution of the personalities of the characters, that is until the unsettling ending; when the time of the games finishes and infantilism stops, another moment inevitably comes. The moment when the face of the adult we want to show to other people outside, goes finally and fully matching the inner essence of us as human beings. That very moment when one can take responsibility towards its own self.

"Poking holes in happiness makes you unhappy.

Nobody understands what I'm going through.

No one knows about the happiness I got to feel despite navigating into an ocean of doubts."

Otomo' sexism, while appreciating what Imagase offers him despite never intimately accepting it’s a man providing him with such a pleasure, vanishes in the very moment he gives his lover a vintage Château Pétrus bottle: it is one of the finest French wines in the whole world, thus suggesting his precious man the implicit idea of being an equally unique and irreplaceable one. Carrying on with a relationship where people can look at each other's eye and discuss, offering our whole self not in order to give back something we received but rather to go beyond our own self, it is then something quite different from seeking the pleasure of a night without any involvement: it is not the same indecisive man he was before, the one for whom appearances in society stops being an excuse, the man suddenly questioning himself how it might be wooing a man rather than a woman, or whether the relationship between two homosexual guys might even be more complete and deep than the one a heterosexual man might start with someone belonging to a ‘different’ universe from his own one.

What is love, then, if not the innate strength that allows us to see beyond our stiff self-esteem and pride, in order to overcome our limitations and arrive and reach the most intimate recesses of the one soul we naturally tend? And it is not only the Boys' Love theme per se to be central in this story, quite rather something that transcends every gender limitation to virtually embrace every kind of love, regardless of any possible colour or legitimacy. And that is because a different way of loving is no inadequate love nor a "less" love. However merely brushing LGBTQ+ themes, however never aspiring to become a gender manifesto, the Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is able to outline some of these aspects with great perspicacity; there's then the excellent portrait offered to the weaknesses of the human being, slave of a need for affection as much hidden as obscure and here translated into the relentlessness of a physical and lacerating love. It does confirm to us how much the social and psychological themes are here treated with crude realism and keen sensibility. In a perfect synthesis of the Yin and Yang elements, Otomo and Imagase's greedy, mean and liar characters are flecked in a sometimes merciless way, not to mention the moment they mean to hurt other people but end up cleaving their own self instead first: it is a couple of uncomfortable characters the one we have here, someone with whom it is definitely not a pleasure to identify ourselves with, someone we wish never to meet, if any. Someone that nonetheless chooses never to give up when in front of human frailty, and that is why these characters end up being unusually authentic, charming and unforgettable ones. " I was hoping, someday, that by sharing my way of loving with you, you would have done the same to me one day." - Imagase -

 "Ugh... I don't lose my temper like this with women." - Otomo -

The new revised All in One Edition reunites the two original volumes into one, which comes with a few color pages in the introduction and the brand new extra Hummingbird Rhapsody chapter. As for what the censorship is concerned, the original pages have actually been partially edited in a very few graphic details: it has been Mizushiro-sensei herself to provide them at the request of the Japanese publisher for the revised edition, which is meant to remove every explicit content starting from 28th January 2020. That happens in order to make the manga available also to a younger target, as the live action movie received a R15+ rating. Censorship involves however only the depiction of male genitals in a few specific, small and delimited portions of the pages, mainly in the first chapters of the story, and does not apply anywhere else. Female nipples and breasts, naked bodies and rated love making are left totally untouched, and so are the original dialogues, the true quintessence of this manga. Even the revised edition presents the harsh and explicit tones of the original pages and there is none of the messages conveyed by the manga that has been damaged or watered down by the re-print. "Love is divine punishment."

Carrying a perfect balance between seduction and feelings, the Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is a challenging, demanding and intense reading. It is a mature story filled with issues, a complex and provoking one; it is compulsory to get near this story with the utmost attention, receiving though a crescendo of emotions that the reader will feel entangled with until the very last page. The Italian poet Giacomo Leopardi would have probably defined it a "matto e disperatissimo" love, a 'mad and utterly desperate' one. Like a river in flood sweeping everything away, the need for getting to know how to slacken control of ourselves and how to gain it back: educating the passion in a relationship is complicated to the point of seeming almost unmanageable.

Love in daily life is quite a different issue from the feelings of a romance novel, an engagement that forces people to swallow bitter bites sometimes, an endless tension towards the other and towards ourselves. In this story that happens to painfully disturbs the deepest part of the heart, we do not know who is the one leading the game; both characters here overthrow the typical Boys' Love canons, an audacious, cocky and authentic couple ready to question itself always.

A story that cannot be missed for all the lovers of the Boys' Love genre, Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru is also quite appropriate for all those one searching for an atypical love story, a strong and nonetheless sensual one, sublimated by a masterful introspection and a very welcome hint of subtle and stinging humour. It is a work dealing with many interesting and complicated issues, though never boasting about none of its many qualities.

A story that knows no limitation and no borders. One of those volumes to keep on the shelf of our own personal bookcase with the utmost care, to take up every now and then in our hands and find new shades of meaning after every new re-reading.

**

Originally written and posted in Italian @ Animeclick

[jaceyneedsabetterusername]

Playing With Fire ~ Part 2

Pairings: Michael Gray x Pregnant!Reader

Warnings: Talk of abortion

Author’s Note: I know I posted this really soon after posting part 1 but I am just excited to get this story going! Also, yes, I did steal a part of this from an actual episode (Season 3, Episode 5). I’m not claiming to own that part at all. I just used it because it was a good canonical response to the situation by the characters but everything else is mine!

__________________________________________________

This couldn’t be happening. There was no way that this was actually happening. The whole scene kept playing in slow motion in your head and you felt as if you were frozen in time. “You are pregnant, Miss. L/N. About two months along as far as I can tell.” 

The room felt freezing and then you weren’t sure if you could feel the temperature anymore. Your heart dropped and all you could see was your mom’s shocked and disappointed face. She was here with her unwed pregnant daughter who was impregnated by a key member of the most notorious gang in Birmingham. You couldn’t tell if you felt numb or not. It was an intense fear and shock that completely disassociated you from the real world. 

“There are other options if this isn’t an ideal situation for you.” The doctor said carefully. 

You looked up at her quickly, “No, um, can I think about it?” You asked, your brain still too fuzzy to make a decision like that. 

“Of course. Take all the time you need and come back when you’ve made a decision.” She explained, leaving the room. 

The walk back was full of silence. Nobody uttered a word until you returned to the shop when you couldn’t stand it anymore, “I’m so sorry mom.” Was all you could manage. 

She sighed, “Y/N, I just… I don’t know what to say.” It was quiet again. She was disappointed and it was clear. “It’s all going to be okay, though, sweetheart. You just need to talk to Michael.” 

Oh gosh, Michael. You almost forgot about having to tell him. How would you tell him? Would he leave? Would he demand you get an abortion? Would he be angry? Would he, by some crazy miracle, actually be excited? Probably not. 

You couldn’t focus on the work that you were supposed to be doing. You sat at your sewing machine, blankly staring at the metal contraption, lost in thought. 

There was a human inside of you. You were growing a child.  No matter how many times you said it or thought it, it never felt real. 

Suddenly, the bell rang, grabbing your attention. You glanced up and your heart dropped. In walked Arthur, John, Finn, Isaiah, and Michael, looking as intimidating as possible because that was just their natural state when in public. Immediately, your eyes found Michael’s and he sent you a small smile. 

“I’m ‘ere to pick up me coat.” John announced, leaning on the counter. 

You stood up, walking in the back to grab his coat, making eye contact with your mom on the way. She nodded her head slightly, indicating that you needed to talk to Michael. You returned with the coat handing it over to John. The Blinders never had to pay. They never threatened your business but they weren’t charged for services in return for protection and insurance. 

“Here you go.” You said, handing over the jacket. 

“G’morning love.” Michael said, stepping up. 

Arthur and John snickered in the back, “Awe little Michael’s all mushy for his girl.” 

“Shut it!” Michael snapped, returning his attention to you. “I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get dinner tonight? It’s been a while since we talked.” 

He wasn’t wrong. He came in when he could or you would visit Shelby Limited when you had time but he had become really busy with Blinder business that he wouldn’t tell you about and now you hardly ever saw each other for longer than twenty minutes at a time. 

I guess this was the universe telling you tonight was the night to tell him, “Yeah, that sounds great. I’ve missed you.” You told him, trying to pretend like nothing was wrong but Michael could see it in your eyes that something was bothering you. 

The group of men started leaving the building so with a nod and a smile Michael followed, “I’ll see ye later tonight then.” 

The day sped by and now you sat across the table from Michael, both of you looked pretty nice and dressed up. “Can I get you anything to drink?” The waiter asked politely. 

“Two whiskeys please.” Micheal ordered for the two of you. 

“Actually, can I just have a water please?” You corrected. The waiter nodded and said he’d return shortly. 

Michael looked at you strangely, “No whiskey? Are you feeling alright?” He teased, finicking with his napkin on the table. 

You forced a smile, “Yeah, I’m feeling fine. Water just sounds good.” Keeping this secret was killing you. He literally had a child on the way and had no idea! “So what is it you wanted to talk about?” You asked, hoping to stall for as long as possible. You at least wanted things to end on a good night. 

Michael looked uncomfortable, “I know that I promised you that I was only involved in the legal aspects of Shelby Limited but something has changed. Tommy needs help with something on the… less legal side of the business and I have to take the job.” 

Oh. “Is it dangerous?” You asked, unsure of how to really take this news. 

After a moment, he shrugged, “There’s always the possibility of things going wrong. But I promise that you’re going to be safe.” 

Woah, woah, woah. It may have been ridiculous but it had never really occurred to you that you’d be in any danger because of his work. He wasn’t doing anything illegal after all. He wasn’t involved with the dangerous people Tommy was involved with. Now you were realizing how naive that assumption was. 

Wait, what did this mean for the safety of your child? Maybe if you told him he would be able to get out of whatever the job was. 

“I have something I need to tell you too.” You blurted. 

Michael looked nervous, “What is it?” 

It was now or never, “I’m pregnant.” You couldn’t breathe and clearly Michael couldn’t either. He sat there staring blankly. 

“What?” He paused, thinking, “Is it mine?” 

“Yes it’s yours! You’re the only person I’ve ever been with!” You exclaimed, slightly offended that he would even consider the fact that it wasn’t his. 

“How long have you known?” He asked, color drained from his face.

You found it hard to make eye contact, “I just found out this morning. Doctor said I was two months along.” 

Michael ran his hands over his face and through his hair, “Fuck.” Was all he said. After a long pause, he asked, “Are you going to keep it?” 

Your heart dropped. This was it. He was going to leave you. But you’d already made up your mind. “Yes. I’m keeping the baby.” Again, silence. That deafening silence that tore your soul to bits. “Please say something Michael.” It took everything to keep your voice from breaking. 

He lifted his face from his hands and shook his head, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Are you leaving?” You couldn’t help but ask but you wished you hadn’t just blurted it out like that. 

His eyes shot up to yours, “No! No. We’ll just have to figure this out. I just… shit.” 

You might have been irritated at him if it weren’t for the fact that you were still in shock too. “Yeah, shit.” You huffed. 

The waiter returned, interrupting the tense silence, setting your glasses down, “I’ll be back in a moment to take your orders.” He said politely before leaving.

Michael grabbed his whiskey and downed it in one shot and you flinched for him, knowing that that much of the liquid must’ve burned like hell. You, on the other hand, could only sip your water, eyes finding the flickering candle on the table much more bearable to look at than anywhere else in the room. 

Michael watched your face as you sipped your water, knowingly avoiding his gaze. You looked stoic and almost emotionless but he could see the fear behind your eyes. Those same beautiful E/C eyes he fell for months ago, even before your first night together.

He reached across the table, gently holding your hand, your skin soft against his. You looked back at him, waiting for whatever he was about to say. You braced yourself for the inevitable I’m sorry but I can’t do this that was sure to come. 

“It’s goin’ to be alright, Y/N. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out.” He assured. You swallowed the lump in your throat away, nodding, and trying to hold back the tears. 

Obviously, you hadn’t expected him to be jumping up and down in excitement at the news - and he definitely handled it better than you’d expected - but the intense stress of the whole situation finally chipped away and you weren’t sure how much longer you could hold back the tears. Stupid hormones. 

________________

Michael leaned against the kitchen counter of Tommy’s home, speaking with John, Arthur, and Johnny Dogs. “Look, mate, you got two options. Fuck off to America with Arthur to live with the Apaches or marry the girl.” John explained. 

“This isn’t a joke!” Michael couldn’t figure out why John couldn’t take the situation seriously. You were literally pregnant with his child. He had a child now! 

Arthur puffed on his cigar, “Now you’re sure the kid’s yours?” 

Michael sighed, “I wish I hadn’t told ya.” 

“Think of marriage like a beautiful road with flowers all the way down it.” Arthur seemed to be lost somewhere. 

“Is he joking?” Why the hell did Michael even bother to come to these blokes about it? John had five, going on six kids, and an angry cocaine addicted wife while Arthur had become domesticated by some Christian girl carrying his kin that was trying to break his drinking habits. Clearly, they weren’t prime examples. 

“It’s hard to tell these days.” John shrugged. Michael walked over to pour himself a drink, needing to feel something other than stress. 

“Do you love the woman?” Arthur asked. 

“Fucking what?” Michael leaned towards Arthur. In all honesty, he hadn’t thought of it but at the moment the question just seemed irritating and unhelpful. 

Arthur didn’t care, despite Michael’s tone, “Then you gotta marry her like the rest of us.” 

Marriage. The thought had been whirling in Michael’s head since last night when you told him. That was what he supposed to do, right? You guys were supposed to go get married and start a little family now so you’d be right in the eyes of God. Aside from the thought popping into his head, he hadn’t made any decision on whether or not he’d propose the idea. All he knew was that he was going to be there for you in some way, whether it be helping you raise the child or sending you money. 

“I want to be apart of the child’s life. I’m not going to just leave her.” He announced, “I just… I don’t know about marriage right now.” 

“Tommy’s gonna make you marry the girl when he finds out.” Johnny added from the counter over his glass of rum. 

Shit, he was right. Tommy was going to kill him. And forget Tommy, Polly would have his head!

Suddenly, a bell rang from the other room, signalling Tommy requesting the men to join him in the other room to discuss business. Baby business would have to wait. 

_____________________

Back home, you set the table quietly, thankful your father went to work early so you and your mother would have time to talk. “Did you tell him?” Your mom asked. 

“Yes.” You answered quietly. 

“And I’m assuming he’s going to marry you like an honorable man?” She continued, setting a plate of food on the table and sitting down. 

You sighed, joining her, “I don’t know mom. We didn’t talk about marriage and quite frankly I don’t know if I want to be married, especially to a Blinder. It’s not the best place to raise a child. But he said he wasn’t going to leave me so… there’s that.” 

“Of course, it’s not safe to raise a kid in the Blinders! When I joked with you about grandbabies that night I didn’t mean go get yourself knocked up then and there by a fuckin’ Peaky Blinder!” You mom shouted. You froze. You knew from the beginning she wasn’t happy about the situation but this was the first time she actually spoke this bluntly about it. She took your stunned silence as a chance to speak again, her voice calm this time, “You’re keeping the child?” She asked, already knowing the answer. You nodded. “Then have the child and move to America or somewhere far from here. Goodness knows that boy will only bring your trouble.” 

You shook your head, “He deserves a chance to be a part of the baby’s life.” 

“Well then you better hope to God he goes with you.” She stood, rinsing her dish without a word and heading downstairs to the shop. 

You sat there in silence for a moment before slamming your hand on the table with a loud smack and allowing your head to fall into your hands, crying for the first time since you’d found out. This was nothing but yours and Michael’s faults and you knew that. Neither of you were dumb enough to not know how babies were made but it was one of those things that you didn’t think would actually happen. 

What were you going to do? You couldn’t up and leave to America but your mom was right. Being involved with the Blinders was dangerous work but Michael had promised that you would be safe before he even knew about the baby. With the boys looking out for you and Michael trying to keep you out of everything, maybe your child would be safe. 

Suddenly, the phone rang and you jumped up to grab it, “Hello?” 

“Y/N?” Michael’s voice asked over the phone. 

You sniffled, wiping your nose on the back of your hand, “Hi, Michael.” You tried making your voice sound as if you hadn’t just been crying. 

“Can we meet? I need to talk to you. It’s about that thing.” His voice dropped low and you wondered if Polly was in the room. 

You leaned against the wall, “I can come over to the shop around noon?” 

“Alright,” he whispered, “Come ‘round the back when you get here.” 

Noon came quickly and you found yourself waiting at the backdoor of the betting shop you’d become quite familiar with. The door opened to reveal Michael who stepped out of your way so you could step in and he led you to his office, closing the door behind you. You took off your coat and he seemed unable to move his eyes from your stomach despite the fact that you weren’t showing yet. Just the idea that his child was in there right now overwhelmed his thoughts. 

He shook out of it, though, and leaned against his desk, turning to you, “We should get married.” You were shocked to say the least. Even though it had been a thought in your mind too, you didn’t expect him to say it so outright.

“Michael, we don’t ha-”

“No,” He cut, “It’s the right thing to do. And that way I can take care of you and the baby from here. We’ll get a house together out in the suburbs and everything will work out. I thought it all out, Y/N.” Michael looked like he really had thought the whole thing out. 

A thought had occurred to you earlier though at the shop, “Michael wait,” You stopped him, “I haven’t told anybody yet except my mom. And honestly, a lot can happen in the first few months. I don’t want you to marry me because you feel obligated to, especially if we lose the baby. If we get married, I want it to be because you love me.” 

“I do love you.” He admitted. Both of your eyes widened and he looked just as shocked that he said it as you were. 

“What?” You asked, completely taken aback. 

He looked unsure of himself for a moment but confidence overtook his features, “I love you,” He repeated, “We can wait until we know for sure the baby’s going to make it but I do love you.” 

You weren’t even sure what to say. Does this mean you were getting married? “Okay.” You said, almost laughing. It was the only thing you felt like you could do. “I guess we’re possibly getting married.” 

Michael stepped towards you, closing the gap between you. His lips carefully brushed against yours and his large hands came to rest on your waist, pulling you closer. When his lips left yours, he rested his forehead on yours and glanced down between your bodies, hands moving to your stomach. “That’s our baby.” He whispered in disbelief. 

Your heart swelled with a mixture of fear, excitement, and love. Your hands ran up his firm biceps to his shoulders as you spoke, “Yeah, Michael. That’s our baby.” 

The two of you stood there like that for a moment in silence, breathing each other in and letting the situation finally settle in. You felt so secure in his arms, so safe. Being with him, this almost felt like it was supposed to happen and you were almost glad everything was happening. Michael made you feel things that you’d never felt before and it made you want to spend every second of every day with him and then soon with your child as well. 

“I love you too.” You whispered, moving your hand to his neck and pulling yourself against him, his arms coming around you to wrap around you like they would protect you from any harm in this world and, if Michael had it his way, they would.

[callistawolf]

So Arrow is ending...

How many of you are surprised? 

Anyone? No one? Not a single soul? 

I mean... maybe we’re surprised that’s a 10 ep order and not a “full” season. Maybe even a few people are surprised that it’s s8 and not... s9 or s10 or something. But we all knew Arrow was going to end sooner rather than later, I think. 

Still, Stephen’s announcement this last Wednesday threw everyone for a loop. 

(why did I select that gif? THAT WAS THE WRONG PIC TO SELECT. That was his last day on set and he’s being sad and nearly crying for the same reason that STEPHEN was sad and nearly crying and the same reason we’re all just a frickin’ mess and WHY OH WHY AM I THIS WAY)

Ahem. Where was I?

OH yes. Sad. Loop throwing. The last couple days have been filled with various levels of coping from everyone. It comes and goes in waves. Watching Steve’s FB live was a low point. Cuz I was fine until I watched that. Then @jbuffyangel and I did some podcast episodes and I got to where I was fine again. 

And then Emily posted her thoughts. 

annnnnnd now we’re back to this: 

I have a feeling this is just how it’s gonna be for the next year (less.  less than a year. oh god oh godohgod). 

So I wanted to post something while everything is all still raw and exposed and vulnerable. I know I’ve spoken a lot about how I came to this fandom. I was over in the Doctor/Rose fandom for a couple years before and things were kinda getting to a point where I didn’t want to be there anymore. Arrow provided a lovely distraction and I really honestly thought that’s all it’d be. I would distract myself with Arrow for a few months and when things calmed down in D/R land, I would be back over there full time. 

Yeah. I know. Pretty naive of me. Because the first episode I watched live was 2x07, State vs Queen, and Olicity got their meat hooks DEEP into my heart. 

And it became rather clear rather quickly that my journey to Olicity-land wasn’t going to be temporary. There were some rough spots when Oliver hooked up with Sara where I considered sticking with my plan and ditching out but... I didn’t. Because this was a unique opportunity. 

You see, when I came to Doctor/Rose, that ship had already run it’s course. Journey’s End had already aired several years beforehand and canon was spent as far as Doctor/Rose were concerned. It was all said and done. No new material. No new journey. I didn’t have to worry about anything getting screwed up because it was already done, but I also didn’t have the excitement of getting to watch it unfold in REAL TIME. 

Olicity offered me a chance to really join the ship on its journey. Coming in live during early s2 meant that I saw the bulk of their relationship journey happen live. Sure, I got to skip some of the slowburn of s1, but I still had to suffer through the Sarapocalypse and the angst fest that was s3. But that was AMAZING. It was a miracle. I got to watch these two unfold on my screen, week after week, and enjoy that journey along with the rest of a quickly growing fandom. 

I got to stay up late at night voting in way too many polls (we all know the Super Bowl of ship voting was the MTV Ship of the Year... two years in a row, baby!). I got to scream with everyone over the 3x20 promo. I got to watch all these SDCC moments happen alongside fandom. I got to go to HVFF and meet OTA (among others) in person. I got to meet fandom friends whom I know I will have in my life long after Arrow is over. 

There are no words to express what this journey has been like. I’ve gotten to witness Olicity hit all the milestones. The first hug, the first ‘i love you’, the first kiss, the first sex, the proposal(s), the break ups, the reunions, the wedding and now the first pregnancy... just... WOW. 

Do you all know what a gift that is? 

That’s what this has been. A gift. Watching this show, watching this ship grow, watching Felicity Smoak take over the friggin’ world... it’s all been a beautiful gift and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. 

We’ve got 18 episodes left, fam. Just 18 more opportunities to watch this story unfold before our eyes. It’s going to be a bit maudlin, as we all try to cling to these last moments we have with our faves. But it’s also going to be special. Because I’ve never actually gone through this with a fandom before. This is new and exciting and awful and wonderful all at the same time. 

Who’s with me? 

[billgavemeextrachips]

Reasons I don’t want to see my extended family at the holidays

1. I can’t, in good conscience, just “let it slide” or “agree to disagree” with the horrible things they say. I’ve read articles online about families being polarized or split apart over politics, and they all seem to bemoan some bygone era when people just didn’t talk politics in polite company. But you know what? That’s not an option anymore. I’m a queer, disabled woman- my life is political. Our culture shoves politics in everyone’s faces- from Facebook to the NFL. (The latter was politicized when they started glorifying the military, years before the police brutality protests began. Please note that I support taking a knee and don’t find that to be ‘making things political” when that venue already was.) Also doesn’t help that my grandfather loudly complains about every Indian-American and Latino he comes into contact with. I am not even kidding. How do I even suggest to them that we “just not talk about it” without censoring my grandfather, and putting myself back in the closet?

2. I can’t argue back, either. I tried having “friendly debates” with an aunt for two years (2014-2016.) Dozens of times, I left Panera or a high school guard competition, loudly declaring to my mom on the ride home that I like talking politics with her sister! It’s fun right!?!?!? I’m so glad at least *one* conservative in her family will listen to my views without belittling me for being young and naive and over-educated, or just plain shouting me down!!! (Shows you how much the rest of her family respects me, that I interpreted basic human politeness and refrains from ad hominem attacks as this amaaazing show of compassion from my aunt.) Meanwhile I had an elevated heart rate for hours after these “fun” debates, and spent days thinking of all the things I should have said better. And all that effort for what? My aunt still supported Trump from the very beginning of the primaries- and brags about it. She still thinks the Klan in her county are just harmless, senile old eccentrics, and all taxes are robbery.

And attempts to have discussions with other members of the family have resulted in me fleeing the scene, physically shaking, ending up at a complete loss for words, and even self-harming. All for none of them- not even the “nice, fun” one- to budge an inch. My breaking down and failing to articulate a point to these people can’t possibly be helping any progressive/tolerant causes. If anything it’s hurting the causes. Along with my mental health.

3. When the take-a-knee protests came up in conversation last Sunday, I was physically afraid of my grandfather. He’s 81, but he’s still this 6′, barrel-chested man who does most of the maintenance on his own properties. I’ve never heard him yell so loud, or so deep. Above the clamor of half a dozen people shouting me down at once, in the dark around that campfire, what stands out to me was him growling, right next to me, Now you listen here! That’s not something you say to someone you’re even remotely open to listening to. That’s a command. Almost a threat. And maybe I’m a coward for being afraid of just that, when he hasn’t raised a hand to me since I was a toddler. But then call me a coward.

The truth is, if I had a girlfriend/wife/family of my own, and/or lived far enough away, I would have stopped spending time around my grandfather years ago. My parents tried once. Back in 2002, when we announced we were adopting from China my grandfather was my father’s (his son-in-law’s) employer. And his response to finding out he’d have another grandchild, who happened to be brown and born on the other side of the world?

“Well we’re not putting her on the company health insurance.”

He did not budge on that until he met my sister- a year and a half later. In the meantime, we moved hundreds of miles away, only to come crawling back when unlucky circumstances and plain bad financial decisions pushed my parents into bankruptcy. They felt they couldn’t make it, living that far from my mother’s parents. Not emotionally, and certainly not financially. 

I doubt my grandfather has ever apologized for his response to us adopting. He doesn’t do apologies. What he does do, and always has, is pay for family members’ houses and cars and medical treatments and college tuitions. As a wealthy man, who grew up one of 13 siblings in a working-class family in the Great Depression, I’m sure financial providence is a sincere expression of love coming from him.

I can see that, and that’s part of why this hurts so much. Why I’m losing sleep and feeling selfish.

But just because my grandfather’s not deliberately puppet-mastering us all, doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the strings pull My mom has begged me ever since I came out to her (four years ago!) to never, ever tell her parents. I don’t know what she’s afraid of. Could be anything from our entire branch of the family being disinherited, down to just the “let’s-not-talk-about-this” awkwardness her family is way too good at maintaining. Which is totally why I’ve never asked her what, exactly, she’s afraid of. I am a product of these people. I came out to my grandparents via a Post-It note stuck to my monthly “car payment” check in the mail. Which I usually hand-deliver, because that’s how fucking close this family is, emotionally and geographically.

But even though it’s “close,” and not abusive per se, my relationship with the extended family is not healthy. I have lost sleep for days before every big family gathering since 2011. Since I began self-harming in 2013, I’ve had more incidents after family arguments than any other trigger, and it’s a goddamn miracle that I’ve kept my 8-months-clean streak going with all that’s been bouncing around my head since Sunday. Every time I’m around them- especially a group of them- I seem to do more damage to my mental health, their esteem of “liberals,” and any remaining positive feelings between us. Maybe I’m the toxic one here. I don’t know. I don’t fucking care anymore. I just can’t do it.

I can’t do it.

I’m not saying I don’t want to ever speak to any of them ever again ever. No. I just... I can’t go to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. Or New Year’s at my uncle’s house, which has the same guest list as the family Christmas, PLUS people from the evangelical megachurch I grew up in. 

I just can’t. I haven’t figured out how to tell any of my family this. I’m hoping my therapist will help. I hope- I think- that she won’t pull the same thing the internet articles did, this whole “blood is thicker than politics” bullshit that just makes me feel overdramatic and wrongheaded for taking a long-overdue stance for my own self-regard and personal boundaries.

[hyun-seong]

Oh my god! Sistar is disbanding. Exactly after 7 years. Now I am 100% bf is next in 2018. That kor cb is never going to happen. I want that summer jp cb right now to makee me forget

Now that Sistar's going to disband I'm kinda worried for Boyfriend

i just heard about Sistar disbanding and while I feel bad for their fans i can help but think of Boyfriend.... Does that mean the same can happen to them or does it mean they're safe for a while because disbanding TWO groups at the SAME time is a BIT too much even for starship? ahhh i really hope they announce a korean comeback on their anniversary or some nice good news ;;

im putting these three messages in one! THank you for sending them 

but im so scared especially after sistar disbanding and i try not to worry anyone ive always wanted to be optimistic but its naive at this point to not be honest with ourselves and ....its probably the end and it tears me up inside, if they were willing to treat sistar terribly and let them go like that then how many more times willing would starship let that happen to bf? there’s no shot...we have a year and that’s it, if some miracle happened id be so grateful, but i dont think we’re getting that CB, it’s like pulling the plug on someone who has been legally declared dead for years, they’re dragging it out instead of ripping it off like a band-aid its torturous i mean if they have to do it PLEASE...one more shot just give them one more chance

IDK what would makes this chance different but somethings gotta give, i cant even believe theyre the sunbaes now??? kpop lost a very iconic group that could have done so much more than they did and it was all starships doing, the creation and the destruction nd i think theyre going to do it again when the contracts up

[hannahberrie]

Roses Are Red, Foxes Are Too (Part 1/2)

Fandom: Zootopia Pairing: Nick Wilde, Judy Hopps Rating: K+ WC: 2586 Summary: It's Valentine's Day at the ZPD, and love is in the air! Judy's arranged a rose exchange, giving her partner-in-solving-crime the perfect opportunity. Nick just might summon enough courage to tell Judy how he really feels about her...

...Or maybe he'll just get Clawhauser to do it for him. A short, fluffy, two-shot fic for the holiday!

[Part 2]  [AO3]

If there was one thing Nick’s best friend loved, it was holidays. While the fox himself was hardly festive, Judy Hopps was more than enough for the both of them.

“Don’t you just LOVE the holidays?” She’d asked last Christmas, as she cut out paper snowflakes while wearing a Santa hat, while also listening to Christmas music, while waiting for Christmas cookies to come out of the oven, while all in the midst of decorating his apartment, for Christmas.

This was a surprise in more ways than one. One, being that Nick never knew it was physically possible to be this festive. Two, being that it was 8 am and he’d just rolled out of bed to find all of this, without warning.

“Good morning to you too,” He’d yawned, a grumpy pout settling on his face. “Remind me why I gave you a key again?”

“Because we’re friends!” Judy insisted, going over to Nick’s windows to hang up her newly finished snowflakes, “And best friends don’t let other best friends spend the holidays being a Grinch!”

“I’m not a Grinch!” Nick defended, weaving his way through the garland that snaked across his living room floor. “I just…don’t care.”

“Well, you should!” Judy huffed, “Holidays are the best time of year! You get to spend time with your loved ones, and make everyone happy!”

Nick ignored the way his heart lurched at ‘loved ones,’ because he wasn’t that much of a sap, only enough of one that he still had those snowflakes up, and it was February now.

And with February, brought Valentine’s Day, which meant Judy had to have something in store. After all, she’d been responsible for planning the ZPD Easter Egg hunt for the local children’s hospital, the ZPD Labor Day picnic, the ZPD Trick-or-Treating Night with the local elementary school, the ZPD Thanksgiving Potluck, the ZPD White Elephant gift exchange, and the ZPD New Year’s Eve ‘Extravaganza’ (her words, not his).

Bogo had long since given up on reminding the bunny that her festivities couldn’t distract her from her work. Namely because it didn’t distract from her work — somehow, Judy was always able to plan these elaborate events, and still have time to crack down on Zootopia’s toughest criminals, all before dinner time.

So that’s why it was a surprise to absolutely no one when Judy announced on the 1st of February that they would be doing a ZPD rose exchange.

“The roses are from my cousin’s farm, back in Bunnyburrow, and all proceeds will go to the Zootopian Make-A-Wish foundation!” She explained, standing at the podium in the front of the debriefing room. Well, standing on the stool Bogo had left there, just for occasions such as this. “They’re only $5, so all you have to do is find me or Clawhauser before February 12th, and I will place an order for you! Then the roses will be delivered to the person of your choice! We can also have the roses sent to an address if there’s someone outside the force you’d like them sent to!”

“Thank you, Hopps,” Bogo finished for her, giving the bunny a tight smile.

“So how many roses will you being buying me, Chief?” Nick asked dryly, earning a handful of chuckles from the rest of the ZPD officers.

Bogo gave him an equally dry look. “One, to bring to your funeral Wilde.”

There was another round of laughs, and Bogo dismissed the officers.

“You did good up there,” Nick said as he met up with Judy.

“Thank you!” Judy beamed, leading the way back to their office. “I just really want to make the world a better place anyway I can.”

“So I’ve heard,” Nick smirked, giving the bunny a playful nudge.

Judy giggled as the two took to the stairs. “So, are you going to buy a rose for anyone?” She asked, a question that made Nick flush far redder than he should have.

“I dunno,” he shrugged, thankful that his red fur hid his blush. “It’s not like I have a mate to buy them for.”

“Well, you don’t have to buy them for a mate!” Judy reminded him, “You could get some for a friend, or your mom, or even…Finnick! I’m sure he could use some to brighten up his van!”

Nick let out a bark of a laugh. “Yeah, that’s not happening.”

“But your mom?” Judy asked, a pleading tone raising her voice to higher pitches. “Pleaseeee? It’s for charity!”

“If it’ll get you to leave me alone, then fine,” Nick sighed, smiling when Judy cheered and gave him a tight hug.

“Thanks, Slick!” She squealed, pulling out her carrot pen. “I’ll put you down for the first order!” She gave him a quick hug and ran off ahead to their office, hopping excitedly along they way.

“Thanks to you too!” Nick replied without thinking, though he quickly realized that the reply didn’t make much sense, as he didn’t have much to thank her for. “I mean, y-you’re welcome!” He corrected quickly, but by then Judy was already gone.

Nick groaned, still flushing red and filled with self-loathing. Back in the day, he was always calm, cool, and collected. He knew just what to say to hustle any sultry vixen into coming home with him at night, and yet now he found himself searching for words that he practically stumbled over, just like some naive schoolboy. All because he couldn’t stop thinking about some bright-eyed, bushy-tailed bunny, a bunny who most likely viewed their friendship as nothing more than that: a friendship. Platonic. One that would lead him to a live of pining, of watching as she fell for some buck, of being at her wedding and watching her tearfully exchange vows, of serving as “Uncle Nick” to her kits.

The fox sighed, dragging a paw through his fur and flattening his ears. Don’t let it get to you, don’t let it get to you. After all, none of that had happened yet (thankfully). The last date Judy had gone on had ended rather horribly, with Judy pouring her drink on said date’s head, after he’d made a comment that he thought female bunnies should be at home raising kits and waiting on her husband, not working in law enforcement.

And besides, it wasn’t like Judy liking him was completely out of the question, right? They were best friends, had been for almost 2 years now. Friendship was always a great base for a relationship, or at least that’s what he’d heard.

All this worrying was getting to him, so he shook himself off and went to join Judy in their office. She was scribbling away at her clipboard, seated at her desk and not even looking up when Nick entered the room. “Guess what, Nick? Francine just came in and ordered 3 roses, so we’re already off to a great start!”

“The bunny can sell,” Nick smirked, sliding down into his own desk chair. “I shoulda brought you along back in my hustling days!”

Judy glanced up at him to stick out her tongue, though the sparkle in her eyes gave away the laugh she was holding back. “Dumb fox.”

“Savvy bunny,” Nick replied breezily, swiveling in his chair to face his computer. He turned on his desktop computer, pausing to lick his chops before speaking again. “So, uh, you got any actual plans for Valentine’s Day? You know, other than passing out roses?”

Judy made an indifferent sigh. “Not really. Fru Fru asked if I wanted to watch Judy, so she and her husband can go out, so I might just do that…”

“Babysitting?” Nick threw her a glance over his shoulder. “That’s your idea of a romantic evening?”

“Better than yours!” Judy huffed, turning to give him her own glance. “Your idea of a good Valentine’s Day is fried chicken and making fun of The Bachelor contestants.”

“That was only last year!” Nick grinned, “And last time I checked, we had a pretty good time.”

Judy smiled as she shook her head at him. “You’re clueless, Wilde.”

“Well, what would you recommend, oh great and mighty, Carrots?” Nick asked, wheeling his chair beside hers. “Please, bestow upon me your award-winning relationship advice!”

“I’m no romance expert,” Judy giggled, pushing his muzzle away as he leaned in. “I’m just saying, if you didn’t mind being cliché, which you mostly don’t, you could at least get some flowers or chocolates.”

“A, I already got a flower for my mother, and B, I’ll just swipe a chocolate doughnut off Clawhauser’s desk when he’s not looking,” Nick retorted, counting off his options on his paw, “There — a perfect Valentine’s Day plan.”

The bunny snorted. “You’re ridiculous.” She turned her focus back to her paperwork, leaving Nick to wheel back to his desk.

Nick pulled out their most recent case file, skimming over it without really absorbing any information in it. “Would you even be into that kind of thing?” He asked in what he prayed was a conversational tone, and not some nervous, hesitant warble. “All that mushy roses and hearts stuff?”

“I dunno. I’ve never been a romantic bunny, but it might be nice. I always did get a little jealous when all my other sisters would have serenading bucks at their windows, or giant daisy deliveries for their birthdays from their latest crush. It would just be nice to know someone liked you that much, I guess, even if it was a little cheesy.”

“Yeah,” Nick nodded, the gears in his head spinning as he began to form a plan.

“But, I don’t think there’s anyone here who likes me that much,” Judy added in what Nick knew she wanted to sound as playful. It almost did.

“Well, ya’ never know, Carrots,” he teased, “Miracles do happen.”

Judy chucked her carrot pen at him for that one.

Later that afternoon, when Judy was buried in casework and wouldn’t have noticed if her desk had caught fire, Nick sneaked off to the bakery down the street, ready to put his plan into motion. It would require a bit of his old hustling techniques, but then again, he wasn’t expecting that the mammal he’d be hustling was going to be difficult.

He was right.

“Clawhauser!” Nick exclaimed, sauntering up to the ZPD front desk with a box full of doughnuts. “Buddy, I need a favor!”

The cheetah beamed, instantly straightening up in his seat and inching closer. “Sure thing, Nick!” He chirped, though his gaze was fixed solely upon the pink box of sugary treats approaching him.

Nick had hardly set the box down on Clawhauser’s desk before the cheetah dived right in, munching away happily, a content smile settling on his face. “These are ah-mazing,” he sighed, eventually turning his focus back to the fox. “So, Nick, what can I help you with? Is there a case that needs solving!?”

“Not quite…you’re helping Judy with the rose thing right?” Nick asked hesitantly, glancing around to make sure the bunny in question wasn’t around.

“Mmm hmm!” Clawhauser nodded, frosting already smeared across his muzzle. “Do you wanna place an order?”

Nick could feel a lump form in his throat, in a very non-hostler fashion. Maybe asking Clawhauser wasn’t the best idea, after all, the lovable cheetah wasn’t known for being the best secret-keeper. And letting him know this was probably one of the biggest secrets Nick had. However, if it came down to asking Ben or asking Judy, the answer was pretty obvious. So…

“IwannaplaceanorderforCarrots.” Nick mumbled quickly, getting it all out in one breath.

Clawhauser eyed him, confused. “What?”

Nick glanced around once more and took another breath. “I want to place an order for Judy. I want to buy some roses for her.”

There was a moment of silence as Nick’s declaration hung in the air, and then Clawhauser’s cheeks scrunched up into a wide grin and he emitted a high pitched noise that was either a whistle and a squeal, Nick couldn’t quite tell, maybe it was both. Either way, it was loud, so loud that some of the other officers in the lobby turned to look.

“Ben!” Nick hissed, ears rising to stand straight on end. “You can’t tell anyone about this, and I mean anyone! If Judy finds out…”

Clawhauser beamed, his paws pushing at his cheeks as he giggled uncontrollably. “I knew you liked her!” He squealed, thankfully more quietly this time. “The way you were always looking at her, and smiling at her, I just knew it!”

“I don’t like her!” Nick scoffed on impulse, the words coming out with great familiarly., Needless to say, after 2 years of being just friends, it wasn’t like this was the first time this conversation had come up with someone. He’d quickly learned how to deny his feelings, not that this was necessarily a new skill. “We’re just friends. It’s a friendly gesture.”

Clawhauser smirked and raised an eyebrow. “Uh huh.”

“I mean, of course I like her, as a person,” Nick continued, suddenly feeling very warm. He reached a paw up to scratch at the back of his neck nervously. “We’re partners, after all. But I don’t like like her.” He cringed at the phrase ‘like like’ as soon as it left his mouth, a phrase he hadn’t used since middle school. “I appreciate her as an individual,” corrected (though he wasn’t quite satisfied with that wording either).

“Riiiiiiiight,” Ben smirked, giving Nick a knowing smile. “If you say so!” He grabbed another donut with one paw as he clicked the end of his glittery Gazelle pen with another. “So, back to the roses! How many do you want to order?”

Nick hesitated. “50.”

The cheetah choked on his doughnut, causing a flurry of sprinkles to bounce off Nick’s muzzle. “50!?” He exclaimed a hushed whisper, “50?! You know they’re $5 each, right?!”

“It’s for charity!” Nick defended quickly. “For kits!”

“But that’s $250!” Clawhauser whispered, jaw hanging open. “And a LOT of roses!”

“Well, ya’ know what they say: go big or go home.”

“But that’s really big!”

“It’ll be fine, I’ll just go back to hustling for a day or two,” Nick replied, only half-joking.

Clawhauser just blinked at him before pulling back and shaking his head, returning to smile once more. He pulled out his clipboard and starting jotting Nick’s information down, humming a Gazelle tune all the while. “Alright, then!” the cheetah smiled, giving Nick a playful wink. “50 roses for your friend Judy.”

Nick felt relieved, excited, and nervous, all wrapped into one sappy package. “Thanks buddy, I owe ya’ one!” he smiled, giving the cheetah a salute. “And remember, not a word to Carrots!”

Clawhauser made a zipped-lips motion. “Not a word! You can trust me Nick; I can keep a secret! I’ve kept Bogo’s secret that he likes Gazelle for years!”

Nick’s eyes widened. “What?”

Ben froze. “Nothing! That was just the sugar talking! Good luck with Judy!”

Normally, Nick would have brushed the sentiment off. Nick Wilde didn’t need luck — he made it. But now, with Judy…

Trying to win her over was going to be harder than any hustle. A lot riskier too. But looking at Judy as he walked back into their office, handing her a fresh cup of coffee and watching the way her face lit up, seeing the smile she gave him, eyes sparkling and two little front teeth biting down on her lower lip all shyly...

She was definitely worth it.

[robgrayofficial]

GOOOD AFTERNOON DEPLORABLES!This is u/Ivaginaryfriend here to help kick off this beautiful Saturday, recap style! Before we get started on that, I'd like to remind everyone to hop into our r/The_Donald's Best Of 2018 Awards Thread and vote of your favorite nominations in each category! You only have until midnightFriday December 14th to vote!!As always, if you happened to miss any past recaps you can check those out here!Now, onto the recap!Sunday, December 2nd:🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:This week, Jews around the world will celebrate the miracles of Hanukkah. @FLOTUS Melania and I send our very best wishes for a blessed and Happy Hanukkah! http://bit.ly/2EoCFom …China has agreed to reduce and remove tariffs on cars coming into China from the U.S. Currently the tariff is 40%.SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:🤣🤣Ticket Scalpers are losing their shirts on Bill & Hillary Houston speech tomorrow! Tickets as low as $6 🤣🤣OUT. OF. CONTROL!The 'ballot-harvesting' that enabled Democrats to STEAL California ElectionsComey backs off, agrees to testify in private.DON JR BRINGS THE HEAT ON INSTAGRAM. WE LOVE OUR RUDOLPH DON’T WE FOLKS?🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:MRW I visit r/allAnCapistan wins again LOLHey England! We can’t hear you over all this Freedom! U-S-A! U-S-A!Complains about IslamophobiaMonday, December 3rd:TODAY'S ACTION:Vice President Pence Delivers Remarks at the Lying in State of the Honorable George H.W. BushPresident Trump Participates in the G20 Summit in ArgentinaFirst Lady Melania Trump at the G20 Summit in Argentina🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:My meeting in Argentina with President Xi of China was an extraordinary one. Relations with China have taken a BIG leap forward! Very good things will happen. We are dealing from great strength, but China likewise has much to gain if and when a deal is completed. Level the field!Farmers will be a a very BIG and FAST beneficiary of our deal with China. They intend to start purchasing agricultural product immediately. We make the finest and cleanest product in the World, and that is what China wants. Farmers, I LOVE YOU!President Xi and I have a very strong and personal relationship. He and I are the only two people that can bring about massive and very positive change, on trade and far beyond, between our two great Nations. A solution for North Korea is a great thing for China and ALL!I am certain that, at some time in the future, President Xi and I, together with President Putin of Russia, will start talking about a meaningful halt to what has become a major and uncontrollable Arms Race. The U.S. spent 716 Billion Dollars this year. Crazy!We would save Billions of Dollars if the Democrats would give us the votes to build the Wall. Either way, people will NOT be allowed into our Country illegally! We will close the entire Southern Border if necessary. Also, STOP THE DRUGS!“Michael Cohen asks judge for no Prison Time.” You mean he can do all of the TERRIBLE, unrelated to Trump, things having to do with fraud, big loans, Taxis, etc., and not serve a long prison term? He makes up stories to get a GREAT & ALREADY reduced deal for himself, and get..... ... ....his wife and father-in-law (who has the money?) off Scott Free. He lied for this outcome and should, in my opinion, serve a full and complete sentence.“I will never testify against Trump.” This statement was recently made by Roger Stone, essentially stating that he will not be forced by a rogue and out of control prosecutor to make up lies and stories about “President Trump.” Nice to know that some people still have “guts!”Bob Mueller (who is a much different man than people think) and his out of control band of Angry Democrats, don’t want the truth, they only want lies. The truth is very bad for their mission!Looking forward to being with the Bush Family to pay my respects to President George H.W. Bush.Congratulations to newly inaugurated Mexican President @lopezobrador_. He had a tremendous political victory with the great support of the Mexican People. We will work well together for many years to come!#Remembering41SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Census confirms: 63 percent of ‘non-citizens’ on welfare, 4.6 million householdsWINNING: SCOTUS rejects environmental challenge to POTUS border wallMAJOR REDPILL: Reporter Blows the Lid on Modern JournalismCorsi files criminal complaint against Mueller, alleges bid to seek false testimonyNO!! You don't say!! That's UNPOSSIBLE!!!! Mueller Withheld "Details That Would Exonerate The President" Of Having Kremlin Backchannel🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:MERRY CHRISTMASSaw this on FB.. it’s because he was REPUBLICAN 🇺🇸IT'S HAPPENING!, again...When you try to save France, but people call you a right wing dictator and the “moderate” guy ends up causing protests and riots resembling that of the early 1800’sMacron : "Please shake" after French Police and Firefighters turned backs and removed helmets to show solidarity with Yellow Vests. Trump Curse is real.By bitches!!Tuesday, December 4th:TODAY'S ACTION:President Donald J. Trump Announces Intent to Nominate Personnel to Key Administration PostsPresident Trump and the First Lady Pay Their Respects to President George H.W. Bush🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Looking forward to being with the wonderful Bush family at Blair House today. The former First Lady will be coming over to the White House this morning to be given a tour of the Christmas decorations by Melania. The elegance & precision of the last two days have been remarkable!The negotiations with China have already started. Unless extended, they will end 90 days from the date of our wonderful and very warm dinner with President Xi in Argentina. Bob Lighthizer will be working closely with Steve Mnuchin, Larry Kudlow, Wilbur Ross and Peter Navarro..... ... ......on seeing whether or not a REAL deal with China is actually possible. If it is, we will get it done. China is supposed to start buying Agricultural product and more immediately. President Xi and I want this deal to happen, and it probably will. But if not remember,...... ... ....I am a Tariff Man. When people or countries come in to raid the great wealth of our Nation, I want them to pay for the privilege of doing so. It will always be the best way to max out our economic power. We are right now taking in $billions in Tariffs. MAKE AMERICA RICH AGAIN ... .....But if a fair deal is able to be made with China, one that does all of the many things we know must be finally done, I will happily sign. Let the negotiations begin. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!Could somebody please explain to the Democrats (we need their votes) that our Country losses 250 Billion Dollars a year on illegal immigration, not including the terrible drug flow. Top Border Security, including a Wall, is $25 Billion. Pays for itself in two months. Get it done!(Retweeting Charlie Kirk) There are riots in socialist France because of radical leftist fuel taxes. Media barely mentioning this. America is booming, Europe is burning . They want to cover up the middle class rebellion against cultural Marxism. “We want Trump” being chanted through the streets of ParisI am glad that my friend @EmmanuelMacron and the protestors in Paris have agreed with the conclusion I reached two years ago. The Paris Agreement is fatally flawed because it raises the price of energy for responsible countries while whitewashing some of the worst polluters.... ... ....in the world. I want clean air and clean water and have been making great strides in improving America’s environment. But American taxpayers – and American workers – shouldn’t pay to clean up others countries’ pollution.We are either going to have a REAL DEAL with China, or no deal at all - at which point we will be charging major Tariffs against Chinese product being shipped into the United States. Ultimately, I believe, we will be making a deal - either now or into the future.... ... .....China does not want Tariffs!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:WIN for Young Republicans! UC Berkeley must pay $70k, and change policies to guarantee free speech for conservative speakers. The campaign of the American Left to silence conservatives on campus sustained a massive defeat yesterdayReport: Wall Street execs too afraid to hire women in wake of #MeToo — “It’s creating a sense of walking on eggshells,” one adviser told the publication. Interviews with more than 30 senior executives suggest that the #MeToo movement has led to “gender segregation” in the workplace.Keep at the meme war boys. Globalism is implodingI am proud of my 40 year friendship with the President and prouder still of the amazing job he is doing making America great again !RUINED HIS LIFE FOR WHAT? ASSHOLE🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Desperate prick!We have the best shitposting Senators don't we folksHad to give a rebuttal. Was then downvoted into oblivion then the mods removed my comment. Guess humor is a one way street? This was posted on every political sub.New favorite gifWednesday, December 5th:TODAY'S ACTION:🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:“China officially echoed President Donald Trump’s optimism over bilateral trade talks. Chinese officials have begun preparing to restart imports of U.S. Soybeans & Liquified Natural Gas, the first sign confirming the claims of President Donald Trump and the White House that...... ... .....China had agreed to start “immediately” buying U.S. products.” @businessVery strong signals being sent by China once they returned home from their long trip, including stops, from Argentina. Not to sound naive or anything, but I believe President Xi meant every word of what he said at our long and hopefully historic meeting. ALL subjects discussed!One of the very exciting things to come out of my meeting with President Xi of China is his promise to me to criminalize the sale of deadly Fentanyl coming into the United States. It will now be considered a “controlled substance.” This could be a game changer on what is....... ... .....considered to be the worst and most dangerous, addictive and deadly substance of them all. Last year over 77,000 people died from Fentanyl. If China cracks down on this “horror drug,” using the Death Penalty for distributors and pushers, the results will be incredible!Looking forward to being with the Bush family. This is not a funeral, this is a day of celebration for a great man who has led a long and distinguished life. He will be missed!Hopefully OPEC will be keeping oil flows as is, not restricted. The World does not want to see, or need, higher oil prices!Doug Wead, a truly great presidential historian, had a wonderful take on a very beautiful moment in history, the funeral service today of President Bush. Doug was able to brilliantly cover some very important and interesting periods of time! @LouDobbsWorking hard, thank you!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Here's what's actually happening in France (from an American in Paris)[GHWB's FUNERAL] Obama and Hillary are PISSED at GEOTUS. They Know Justice is coming!This is General Michael Flynn, an American hero. He has officially been vindicated. The Democrats, MSM, and Robert Mueller destroyed his life for nothing. They are all criminals for what they're doing to innocent patriotic Americans like Michael Flynn.This picture is iconicDonald Trump Jr. Responding To Sen. Gillibrand’s Sexist Tweet: “When is it appropriate to let my boys know that there’s no future for them?”🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Pills...are...kicking...in...HAHHHAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!! We have the best GIFs, don't we folks?!Me, a gay man: You know Muslim countries kill gay people right? Them, a leftist retard: Good. You deserve it.OK, this is just too much fun . . . .Thursday, December 6th:TODAY'S ACTION:Presidential Proclamation on National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, 2018President Trump Delivers Remarks at an Afternoon Hanukkah ReceptionPresident Trump Delivers Remarks at an Evening Hanukkah Reception🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:My thoughts and prayers are with the @USMC crew members who were involved in a mid-air collision off the coast of Japan. Thank you to @USForcesJapan for their immediate response and rescue efforts. Whatever you need, we are here for you. @IIIMEFDoes the Fake News Media ever mention the fact that Republicans, with the very important help of my campaign Rallies, WON THE UNITED STATES SENATE, 53 to 47? All I hear is that the Open Border Dems won the House. Senate alone approves judges & others. Big Republican Win!Statement from China: “The teams of both sides are now having smooth communications and good cooperation with each other. We are full of confidence that an agreement can be reached within the next 90 days.” I agree!Jerome Corsi: ”This is not justice, this is not America. This is a political prosecution. The Special Prosecutor (Counsel), to get this plea deal, demanded I lie and violate the law. They’re the criminals.” He is not alone. 17 Angry Dems. People forced to lie. Sad! @Trish_ReganTrish_Regan: “Did the FBI follow protocol to obtain the FISA warrant? I don’t think so. The Dossier was opposition research funded by opponents. Don’t use Government resources to take down political foes. Weaponizing Government for gain.” Is this really America? Witch Hunt!FAKE NEWS - THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!Arizona, together with our Military and Border Patrol, is bracing for a massive surge at a NON-WALLED area. WE WILL NOT LET THEM THROUGH. Big danger. Nancy and Chuck must approve Boarder Security and the Wall!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:NBC headline vs content of articleAnnouncing The First EVER r/The_Donald's Best Of 2018 Awards!France Deploys 89,000 Cops Amid Fears Of Yellow Vest Rebellion On SaturdayNYTIMES BENDS THE KNEE | “What if President Trump’s gut turns out to have been right and the Federal Reserve’s interest rate increases are holding back the United States economy?”FITTON:MASSIVE Breaking: Fed court excoriates State and DOJ on Clinton email, orders discovery plan in 10 days as to whether Hillary Clinton email system an intentional attempt to evade FOIA. "One of the gravest modern offenses to gov't transparency..."🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:In Trump We TrustPic Of POTUS Kissing Bob Dole On The Forehead- You Won’t See This On MSMWhen your sexuality goes full circleVery True.One more sane countryFriday, December 7th:TODAY'S ACTION:The First Family hosts a 2018 Hanukkah ReceptionPresident Trump Delivers Remarks at the 2018 Project Safe Neighborhoods National ConferencePresidential Determination on the Suspension of Limitations under the Jerusalem Embassy ActPresidential Proclamation on Human Rights Day, Bill of Rights Day, and Human Rights Week, 2018🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Robert Mueller and Leakin’ Lyin’ James Comey are Best Friends, just one of many Mueller Conflicts of Interest. And bye the way, wasn’t the woman in charge of prosecuting Jerome Corsi (who I do not know) in charge of “legal” at the corrupt Clinton Foundation? A total Witch Hunt... ... ....Will Robert Mueller’s big time conflicts of interest be listed at the top of his Republicans only Report. Will Andrew Weissman’s horrible and vicious prosecutorial past be listed in the Report. He wrongly destroyed people’s lives, took down great companies, only to be........ ... .....overturned, 9-0, in the United States Supreme Court. Doing same thing to people now. Will all of the substantial & many contributions made by the 17 Angry Democrats to the Campaign of Crooked Hillary be listed in top of Report. Will the people that worked for the Clinton.... ... ....Foundation be listed at the top of the Report? Will the scathing document written about Lyin’ James Comey, by the man in charge of the case, Rod Rosenstein (who also signed the FISA Warrant), be a big part of the Report? Isn’t Rod therefore totally conflicted? Will all of.... ... ...the lying and leaking by the people doing the Report, & also Bruce Ohr (and his lovely wife Molly), Comey, Brennan, Clapper, & all of the many fired people of the FBI, be listed in the Report? Will the corruption within the DNC & Clinton Campaign be exposed?..And so much more!China talks are going very well!It has been incorrectly reported that Rudy Giuliani and others will not be doing a counter to the Mueller Report. That is Fake News. Already 87 pages done, but obviously cannot complete until we see the final Witch Hunt Report.Today, we honor those who perished 77 years ago at Pearl Harbor, and we salute every veteran who served in World War II over the 4 years that followed that horrific attack. God Bless America! http://bit.ly/2E9sYco will be doing a major Counter Report to the Mueller Report. This should never again be allowed to happen to a future President of the United States!I am pleased to announce that Heather Nauert, Spokeswoman for the United States Department of State, will be nominated to serve as United Nations Ambassador. I want to congratulate Heather, and thank Ambassador Nikki Haley for her great service to our Country!I am pleased to announce that I will be nominating The Honorable William P. Barr for the position of Attorney General of the United States. As the former AG for George H.W. Bush.... ... ....and one of the most highly respected lawyers and legal minds in the Country, he will be a great addition to our team. I look forward to having him join our very successful Administration!(Retweeting The White House) President Trump Delivers Remarks at the 2018 Project Safe Neighborhoods National ConferenceMike Pompeo is doing a great job, I am very proud of him. His predecessor, Rex Tillerson, didn’t have the mental capacity needed. He was dumb as a rock and I couldn’t get rid of him fast enough. He was lazy as hell. Now it is a whole new ballgame, great spirit at State!Hopefully Mitch McConnell will ask for a VOTE on Criminal Justice Reform. It is extremely popular and has strong bipartisan support. It will also help a lot of people, save taxpayer dollars, and keep our communities safe. Go for it Mitch!It is being reported that Leakin' James Comey was told by Department of Justice attorneys not to answer the most important questions. Total bias and corruption at the highest levels of previous Administration. Force him to answer the questions under oath!Totally clears the President. Thank you!(Retweeting The White House) This afternoon, President Trump delivered remarks at the 2018 Project Safe Neighborhoods National Conference where he reinforced his commitment to making our communities safer for all Americans.SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Clinton Foundation whistleblowers have been working with FBI and IRS since last year | It turns out that whistleblowers inside and outside the Clinton Foundation have amassed "6,000 pages of evidence attached to a whistleblower submission filed secretly more than a year ago with the IRS77 years ago today at 7:55am nearly 2,400 American Souls were lost. Today we remember them. December 7th National Remembrance Day.France Deploys 89,000 Cops Amid Fears Of Yellow Vest Rebellion On SaturdayCreepy Porn Lawyer to Pay Child Support WITH: 2017 Ferrari 488 GT Spider that he was leasing; five luxury wristwatches, a few of them worth at least $50,000; a sculpture by Frank Gehry; a number of expensive pieces of art, and his law firm’s stake in a 2016 Honda private jet.White House reactions to today’s court filingsAn elected member of Congress just threatened a citizen with Congressional subpoena over a meme!Calls For Ethics Investigation Into Ocasio-Cortez After She Threatens Donald Trump Jr.🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Liberalism is a mental disease"there is absolutely nothing that's more racist than that..."💀💀💀French Macron 18% approval rating. Globalism is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD.Baby it's cold outside..Saturday, December 8th:🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:The Paris Agreement isn’t working out so well for Paris. Protests and riots all over France. People do not want to pay large sums of money, much to third world countries (that are questionably run), in order to maybe protect the environment. Chanting “We Want Trump!” Love France.The idea of a European Military didn’t work out too well in W.W. I or 2. But the U.S. was there for you, and always will be. All we ask is that you pay your fair share of NATO. Germany is paying 1% while the U.S. pays 4.3% of a much larger GDP - to protect Europe. Fairness!AFTER TWO YEARS AND MILLIONS OF PAGES OF DOCUMENTS (and a cost of over $30,000,000), NO COLLUSION!I am pleased to announce my nomination of four-star General Mark Milley, Chief of Staff of the United States Army – as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, replacing General Joe Dunford, who will be retiring.... ... ....I am thankful to both of these incredible men for their service to our Country! Date of transition to be determined.“This is collusion illusion, there is no smoking gun here. At this late date, after all that we have gone through, after millions have been spent, we have no Russian Collusion. There is nothing impeachable here.” @GeraldoRivera Time for the Witch Hunt to END!Very sad day & night in Paris. Maybe it’s time to end the ridiculous and extremely expensive Paris Agreement and return money back to the people in the form of lower taxes? The U.S. was way ahead of the curve on that and the only major country where emissions went down last year!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Trump Admin Officially Rolls Back Michelle Obama's National Lunch GuidelinesThis is one of the biggest squares in Rome right now! While in France people are protesting against Macron, Italy is celebrating the return of a popular government officially proving that European Union has failed!Meanwhile in France''We want our country back, we are tired of globalism!''🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Communist Leaders throughout the years.Christianity: Bad Islam: GoodA little something for the shills in here to downvoteSOOOOO MUCH WINNING, STILL NOT TIRED OF IT!Without further ado, some tunes to get you jamming through all this winning:CenterfoldMy SongKodachromeEverything I AmLove StinksHey MamaMAGA ON PATRIOTS! #robgray

[lifewithoutmeds]

october 28th

another few good, solid, relatively calm days.

i’ve been pretty productive at work, producing a lot of volume and also slowly making a dent in the random piles of work that was slowly pushed away when bigger and more time sensitive assignments came through.  it’s nice to file things away or throw them out and sort of follow up to see what came of other things.  so my desk is cleaner than it has been in some time which is psychologically freeing and aesthetically pleasing.  i feel like there had to be some quiet in my mind that’s now manifesting itself.  or a new energy.

anyhoo.  so thursday after work i went to my parents because my mom had asked me to come over and had made some oktoberfest-related food of bratwurst and sauerkraut.  i came and ate some and it was good although i ate significantly less than i would have normally, and also turned down the wine that was offered, to my parents shock.  overall things went ok although i was feeling the familiar irritation and deep anger at my dad that would seep and sometimes snap out of me.

friday.  what did i do friday.  i went to work.  i took a brisk walk in the still warm noon hour.  i got out at 3 and came home and i think took a short nap and then probably tidied some and walked to trader joe’s before showering, flat-ironing my hair, and getting ready to go to the bowling alley.  i was bringing again a few of the fire starters, along with a small caesar salad that i had just procured from trader joe’s hours earlier.  

so i come to the bowling alley around 9:30 and i see her, looking 100% like lana del rey and almost unrecognizable.  i’m trying to figure out if her hair is different or something but i’m realizing that she has one sort of face from a distance, sort of cold and unapproachable, but a completely different one up close, that’s warm and personable.  watching her walk this way and that i was oddly intimidated and wondered how i had ever gotten the gall to talk to her, and i went and sat myself at the bar and ordered my club sodas, and the bartenders received me gladly, now recognizing me as a regular.

she seems upset and/or distracted, and is bending over a lot and messing around with some wires so i don’t approach her for some time, then eventually i make my way over, say something like, “any way you can play some Not shitty music?” and we say our hellos.  i ask if she’s had dinner and she seems to not understand me and when she says she’s not hungry i sort of awkwardly pull out the salad and sort of gesture that i guess i’ll just throw this in the trashcan then and she laughs and says she’ll be there a while and that she was genuinely touched that i’d bring her dinner.  i also point out the fire starters and say something like, “oh i made these, so you can throw these in your trunk...” and we both kind of finish the sentence with “and add it to your firewood.”

then she says she needs to go work and rile up the establishment or something so i head to the bar, smiley, and sipping my club soda, but something happens while i watch her walk around and sort of talk in her husky voice and be flirtatious and seductive with everyone.  i realize that she’s .... i don’t know.  disingenuous?  just doing her job?  that she might be lala part two.  that she’s just really good at her job and i’m just like some stupid naive pawn that falls for it and goes gaga over the tiniest bit of attention.  and i see her just sort of charming her way through crowds, providing witty commentary, calling people “beautiful” and just ... i dunno, being flirtatious it seemed?  with damned near everybody?  and i don’t know maybe i felt ... like less special?  a tad jealous?  really hard to say but i had some feelings that were not good and i got a touch melancholy.  afterward she came over and chatted with me a bit and i said something like, she’s very good at what she does, and she told me a bit about how she had had some good sleep and had some energy and that back in denver when her partner would go out on smoking breaks she’d do the charleston on picnic tables, and i imagined that, that sort of lively, dancing, Lana Del Rey youth, and it made me a bit wistful as i thought of my own college days of being depressed and drinking cheap wine as self-medicating, and i felt kind of sorry for my lame ass and kind of ... i don’t know, i just felt that we were hugely different, and i sort of didn’t say much and the silence sort of hung between us and after a sort of awkward few seconds she walked back to the DJ table and didn’t come back.

so i sat for some time sipping my damned club sodas and she’d occasionally announce a birthday or anniversary or drink specials, and i figured i should just let her do her job and not be up in her space all the time but after maybe 20 minutes of that i was like, wait, WTF am i doing?  i’m at a bowling alley bar, drinking club sodas, occasionally glancing at this gorgeous DJ, to what end?  like what the hell am i really doing?  i’m not eating, i’m not drinking, i’m not talking with friends, i’m just being this creepy stalker drinking club sodas and pining after someone who is forced, who is contractually obligated to be in that space, and i felt invasive and disruptive and i decided to leave.  i also had to go to the bathroom.

so i ask for the bill, and the bartender charges me for just one club soda though i’ve had multiple refills, and i’m thinking maybe she feels sorry for me, and sees through me, and i say my good night, and then i walk over to the DJ and say hey i’m heading out, and as i was walking there i noticed she had been putting something down while smiling and i had figured it was her phone and some wonderful text she had just gotten, but it’s really the fire starters in the bag and she seems really appreciative and says something like, i can’t believe you got these for me.  and i sort of just shrug and nod and then she stretches her arms out really wide as if to hug me and i sort of awkwardly attempt a side hug but she kind of brings me in to a full hug and i feel our bodies press together for a second and it is nice and then she lets go and i sort of i dunno, back away, nod?  i don’t know.  and then i turn as if to leave and then sort of come back and tentatively ask if she’d be interested in getting a foot massage at a Chinese Medical Spa in pasadena, and she says sure, and we agree to november 10th at 7:30 and i almost say “it’s a date” but i don’t and then i watch her type stuff into her phone and then i kind of mumble, “am i meeting you there?” and she nods, and then i finally leave.

so i go home, still feeling a touch melancholic but also kind of elated.  we’re hanging out!  outside of the bowling alley!  and she’ll get to experience Ming or his wife and their marvelous massage miracle!  and we’ll talk before and after!  and in the 20-30 minutes between the massage and her work starting, we can maybe get coffee or a snack!  it’s like, progress!  so much progress!  but also like, why did i get so damned depressed and i missed out on an opportunity and if i had just not been such a debbie downer i could’ve asked her about instagram or Facebook or something.  so it also feels like some opportunities lost.  but oh well.  we have a plan!  that involves us!  very excited.

saturday i was productive AF.

i started by waking up early, having some bulletproof coffee and playing some puzzle fighter since it was too early to do anything, then washing the dishes, cleaning my shower head with vinegar, wiping down some of my mirrors, cleaning out the back of my car, and loading up all the paint cans, then driving them over to the hazardous waste dump site, then to sprouts for some Essential water for xi, then to xi’s place where together we made eggs and toast with avocados and i made my coffee and we chatted and i came out to her husband and we talked about my issues with it and my conflicts with my religion, etc etc. and we had a nice time and i left around noon.

then i came home, organized some camping stuff and threw out the window treatments and various trash bits that were in the garage since i didn't pull my car in so i had time to move around, then headed over to my therapists for a 2:00 appointment and we had a pretty nice hour long chat and confirmed that we had a lot to talk about.

then came home, cleaned some, made and cooked some dinner, studied for like 30-40 minutes, then took a walk to the local park then came back for a quick shower, then received my new Eufy robot vacuum so read up on that and tested it out before returning it to the charging station, texted with lanz and gk a bit, and now am writing.  so all in all, a very productive day.

lanz says she’s coming over with the baby soon so good thing the place is relatively clean.

i still feel pretty calm and cool and collected.  certainly not as crazed as before. and i’m just pleased to be in the DJ’s company, whatever comes of it.  i should probably not go to the bowling alley as often as i have been, but i think bringing the salad and the fire starters was a good way to show genuine interest and hopefully it will lead to more interactions outside of the immediate parameters of the bowling alley.  so pretty excited about the massage thing, although i should’ve asked for her number in case she needed to cancel or anything, as she has no real way of communicating that to me.  oh well.

tomorrow is sunday.  i hope to get in a good walk/short jog in the morning, shower, meet up with gk for lunch and then go to church in the afternoon.  maybe get some cleaning in too.  always cleaning these days.