#Also people calling it boring just because Zelda is a human when there is literally so many interesting aspects of this zelink dynamic

[mylonelydreaming]

You know a ship is good when people have to resort to absurd and performative political hand-wringing over their hair colour, sex/gender and race

[actualbird]

nobody asked but here i analysed polygon’s “unraveled” and bon appetit test kitchen’s “gourmet makes” and i think they are similar and use three key story elements to their success | a 1.9k word long analysis by an unhinged creative writing fresh grad trying desperately to use their degree to connect two dots

If you asked me who my favorite internet celebrities are, I would not hesitate for a second to answer. Brian David Gilbert from Polygon and Claire Saffitz from Bon Appetit Test Kitchen. They’re awesome! They both host popular YouTube webshows about video games and cooking respectively, two things I am terrible at and don’t do very often. And yet I am enraptured by every episode of their shows. Why? How?

My thesis is this: Polygon’s “Unraveled” and Bon Appetit Test Kitchen’s “Gourmet Makes”, while wildly different shows on many levels, are extremely similar in how they use three key story elements very, very, well.

These three story elements are 1) Plot, 2) Character, and 3) FAWWIEOT (it’s an acronym, I’ll explain it later, I promise)

Let me start with the first and most basic story element these two shows wield amazingly: Plot.

Plot is, in simplest terms, what “happens” in a thing. This is what you’ll find on a movie’s Wikipedia page summary, the details of what went down, the events that took place, the things that occurred. There are many different types of plots because there are many different types of stories, but one of the most basic kinds of plots is very clearly illustrated by something called Freytag’s Pyramid.

Freytag’s Pyramid is a very simple plot that is moved forward by a non-negotiable in many, many stories: conflict. All is well, the line is straight, then a challenge arises and things start to escalate. At the climax, a decision or a group of decisions are made that leads to a de-escalation of the conflict, bringing things down until we are back at a flat line and the conflict has been resolved.

Every single episode of Gourmet Makes can be plotted onto Freytag’s Pyramid

Nearly every single episode of Unraveled can be plotted onto Freytag’s Pyramid too (with the exception of some, like a number of the categorization episodes, the Kojima name generator)

I know what you’re thinking. “So what if Gourmet Makes and Unraveled fit on some funky pyramid? What does that mean?” Well, dear reader, it reveals to us just one of three reasons why these shows are so enjoyable.

Freytag’s Pyramid is basic as shit, and yet it is one of the first plot structures taught to fictionists because people, up to this day, like it. Why? Because Freytag’s Pyramid fulfills two very important desires that we, as humans, love. 1) The desire for there to be a problem and 2) the desire for that problem to be resolved. It scratches our eternal itch to want to watch shit go down but doesn’t leave us up on a cliffhanger, it gives us our catharsis.

Gourmet Makes gives you the entertainment of watching Claire struggle with her task. Then Gourmet Makes shows you Claire slowly and surely rising above the challenge (notable in literally every episode of Gourmet Makes). Unraveled makes you watch BDG work himself up into a frenzy trying to do something stupid, but then Unraveled shows the payoff of...of watching BDG do something stupid, but this time towards some kind of resolution (very notable in the latest Unraveled “How to increase your stamina with terrible video game tactics”).

It is clear to me that Gourmet Makes and Unraveled both use plot in a way that gives viewers satisfaction. But what keeps them coming back for more?

Well that leads us to the second story element: Character.

People love Claire Saffitz and BDG.

Don’t believe me? Look through the tags of literally any gifset of either of them. Here, I did it for you. Here’s some tags for Claire:

And here’s some tags for BDG:

It’s pretty obvious to see that these two are well loved, but why? It’s not just because they’re both good looking, it’s because Claire Saffitz and BDG, with how they are presented in their shows, are good characters.

Claire Saffitz in Gourmet Makes isn’t scripted. She brings her own human frustration, determined hard work, and joyous glee to the show and it makes watching the show all the more enjoyable. BDG in Unraveled, however, is scripted, but he brings to the table his chaotic performance and ‘off the shits’ lecturer energy that brings the viewers in. Regardless of their differences, Gourmet Makes and Unraveled are similar when it comes to character because of one thing: they actually have characters.

What am I talking about? Well, for a period of time on the internet, people in the cooking media sphere and the video game media sphere settled for video content that was divorced from who was presenting the information. Videos like the ones from Tasty where everything was filmed top down and you only saw two hands perfectly putting ingredients into a bowl. Videos like the myriad of video game walkthroughs or video essays that are presented only by a disembodied voice who also seems allergic to actually having fun. This is content that hinges on the fact that people like seeing cooking or video games and that the presenter will mostly just be a background thing.

Bon Appetit Test Kitchen and Polygon both did not want to succumb to this style of presenting information. They both made the decision to bring their presenters into their video content, highlighting their respective presenters’ personalities, quirks, and styles. This is evident in all of Bon Appetit Test Kitchen and Polygon’s video content, not just Gourmet Makes and Unraveled. Do I watch Bon Appetit's show It's Alive because I want to actually make foccacia? No, it's because I love how Brad Leone  mispronounces words and makes me laugh. Did I watch "Fixing Anthem’s boring mech’s with ballsy design" because I actually give a shit about video games? No it's because I love how Pat Gill jokes about fake testicles and also I think he's hot.

The fact that there are actually characters for us on screen to see, makes Gourmet Makes and Unraveled good shit. We’ve got a plot with clear conflict, but that means nothing if there are no personas for us to root for. Gourmet Makes and Unraveled gives us these personas. They give us Claire Saffitz whom we want so desperately to see smile and succeed. They give us Brian David Gilbert whom we want so desperately to see go a little bit crazy. They give us people to connect to, and that often bridges the gap to viewers who honestly don’t give a shit about cooking or video games. Viewers like me who just keep coming back to Gourmet Makes and Unraveled because of the fact that these are characters I care about, these are characters who I want to see smile after finally nailing the recipe or slowly take off their suit as they tell me shit about Zelda I don’t understand.

Gourmet Makes and Unraveled utilize plot in a way that makes these webshows satisfying, and they use character in a way that makes these webshows accessible and keeps people invested.

But they go further.

This brings us to our last story element, not exactly a common or rudimentary one, but an important one nonetheless: Fucking Around With What Is Expected Of Them.

(I know there’s probably a legitimate literary term for this, but sue me, quarantine has kept me stuck in my house since March, so I may have forgotten the exact words I learned in class. FAWWIEOT will have to suffice.)

The gist of FAWWIEOT is that stories have been around for fuckin ever, and because of that, there are clear patterns and tropes that stories follow. FAWWIEOT is the recognition of those patterns and tropes, using them, but finding a different outcome or flair to make themselves special, to make themselves stick out. Kinda like when you’ve got a fic on AO3 tagged with ‘friends to lovers’ but also tagged with like, I dunno, something completely random like ‘character is also a dragon’. Use the tropes, but do something different. Give the audience something they already know, then throw in something new to make them remember your content specifically.

Gourmet Makes and Unraveled FAWWIEOT (I’m using the acronym like a verb now, this is my post, I’m allowed to) very purposefully using an important technique: Flaws.

The standard trope of a cooking show is the chef easily talking to the camera as they perfectly put the ingredients together. All the food comes out perfect on the first try and everything is heavenly and wonderful. Classic cooking shows like Barefoot Contessa (hosted by Ina Garten) and Everyday Italian (hosted by Giada de Laurentiis) followed this pattern, and it made for good television.

But who fucking watches television these days? Everything is online now, and the internet is vicious. If you aren’t interesting, the internet will throw you out to the gutter. So how did Gourmet Makes set themselves apart?

By showing you that things aren’t perfect after all. Gourmet Makes shows you every trial that Claire tries, they show you her successes, but also her failures. They show you when she gets tired and hopeless, they show you when she bounces back and tries again. Gourmet Makes made a cooking show that was flawed, and people loved it.

And what about Unraveled? The design of Unraveled, from BDG’s suit and mug to his presenting style, key us in to the fact that we are watching some sort of lecture. Some kind of educational performance. Personally, this makes me think that Unraveled is FAWWIEOT-ing academia and basically any other media where an “expert” talks at you.

The standard pattern of experts talking to you are basically like TedTalks. You have somebody very well versed in the topic trying to explain to you something, showing you their hypothesis, their process, and their findings.

Unraveled FAWWIEOTs expertise by making BDG research the most crazy shit like OSHA regulations or the Geneva Convention, make the wildest hypotheses like ‘Monster Energy in the morning will be a good idea’ or ‘Sonic is blasphemous’, and then, ultimately, completely unravel himself. The expert in Unraveled isn’t an all knowing being who is always right, he is flawed (and loses his marbles, more often than not.) And we love it.

FAWWIEOT-ing is key because of how it gives us a pattern we know, and then does something new. Novelty is important on the internet, and Gourmet Makes and Unraveled have made a name for themselves on the unique way they Fucked Around With What Was Expected Of Them.

Gourmet Makes and Unraveled are two of my favorite webshows on the internet as of now, and there are many reasons why, many reasons I didn’t include in this post. What I wanted to do here is to highlight how these shows use story elements to be good content because at the core of these videos, even if they aren’t literary fiction, they are good stories. Good stories with a plot that satisfies us, with characters we can see and love, with new twists that keep us on the edge of our seats.

Good stories make for good content, and Bon Appetit Test Kitchen and Polygon have me as a subscriber for as long as they continue on this road.

Thanks for reading!

(Read my other Polygon-adjacent analysis essays at actualbird.tumblr.com/tagged/nobody-asked-but

If you have any suggestions or ideas for more Polygon-adjacent analysis essays I can write, send me an ask!)

[dwollsadventures]

I couldn't decide between uploading the one with the two-shades or not, so I did both. The line-art alone looks good to me, but it might look a bit boring for others. Coloring sucks. Welp, while I'm here I guess I can talk about the drawings of the trolls. The main submission went into the theory behind trolls and didn't leave me too much room. Starting from the top the bjergfolk is represented by a character from a particular story, where a rider stumbles across a party and a woman offers him a poisoned goblet. Swedish trolls are the most varied, but I thought this particular story was a good representation for some of them: pretty on the outside, dangerous on the inside. 

Technically the mound-man and trold are both Danish trolls, but they represent two different aspects. Danish trolls are often smaller and less evil, sometimes even helpful. A gnomish troll stands as representative of them. The mound-man stands as representative for the others, the more human-like and less amiable. These trolls are very hard to distinguish from Norwegian huldre-folk and even Danish ellefolk. The one key difference being ellefolk are always called elves, have an uneven gender split in favor of females, and often have hollow backs. The one story that stood out to me about Danish trolls is where one sits invisibly in a home until it sees something remarkable, exclaiming something and giving away its position. More often than not "goblin" is used to translate them into English, which I thought was interesting. 

The witch here has a proper inspiration. I probably should have drawn a more "witchy" witch, since the lady here is a volva. Usually they're called a seeress in English and are usually not evil. But I wanted to draw her because of a very detailed description I read in Eirik the Red's saga, of a woman decked out from head to toe. She even had catskin gloves, a possible allusion to Freyja and her sacred animal. This völva carries a staff with her and is yawning. Eldar Heide makes an interesting point in that people who conjure up spirits often yawn or breath in a certain manner, suggesting they are literally "breathing in" a spirit. Related to that, spirits will take the form of flies or other insects when near their sorcerous masters. 

Our draugr here is Glam. He was an evil being who Grettir the Strong had to battle. Even though they were even in strength (if not a little favored towards Glam) Grettir eventually won and was killed for the second and last time. Before he died though, he cursed Grettir mightily. One aspect of his curse was that Grettir would forever be scared of the dark; that he would always see Glam's eyes within every shadow. Grisly. Glam is also a good indicator of how the undead can toe the line between traditional ghost and troll in Scandinavia. In the bottom left is the basic troll, the creature who lives in the mountains and eats people. I didn't want to exactly copy my previous troll (from the Hobbit Genetic Diversity drawing), but I really nailed it on the head with that one. In an effort to distinguish it, this troll is a little more of an edgy-Bauer troll. Greedily looking at the contents of its cauldron. 

Finally, the giant is a shape that I've drawn quite a few times, usually in the form of a troll with tusks though. The Norse had a few words for giant, including "Thurs", which is related to the thurs-rune and Thor himself. That giant is the quintessential thurs, at least in my head. The ragged hair, the animal-like ears, the huge lumbering body, and the fur cloak all add up to something that just screams it in my head. Anyways, there is a reason he's carrying and near a rock. See, in Norse mythology giants are pretty well-rounded and present. However, in Scandinavian folklore they are generally absent (except in a few stories). To the descendants of the Norse, giants were a prehistoric race who was gone long before anyone alive could remember. Only evidence of their existence was around. Usually this included stones tossed near churches, sometimes with distinct hand-prints on them. This is a very popular motif, often associated with heroes as well. Back in ancient Italy, people assumed dinosaur footprints were that of Heracles and his cattle, and an enormous shoulder blade was in reality Pelops'. Giants and heroes overlap quite a bit, in a weird way... Aside from continuing writing, I don't have anything else planned after this. I don't feel like diving deep into another research project after this one. The only ideas I have written down currently are talking a bit about basilisks/cockatrices, or redrawing all the enemies from Zelda 1 in my style. If you have any input, or suggestions, I would love to hear them.

[kittenfemme27]

Genshin Impact

Breath of the Wild was a game I wanted to love. I love the Zelda games, always have, and I eat up open world games like candy. Yet, BoTW has sat on my digital shelf collecting digital dust for ages. Why is that? Well, to put it simply, I don't want to play as Link. BoTW has a beautiful world, rich combat and game play puzzles, tons to see and do and experience, it's a sandbox for the ages. But it's hampered so heavily for me by the fact that I have to play this very boring and to be honest kind of forgettable boy named Link during the game play. That may sound petty, but if I'm in an open world game I want to fully immerse myself into that and video games are where we all go to escape anyway. If I wanted to be misgendered, I'd simply forget to shave and go outside.

I don't mind playing other Zelda games because in those, Link is a self contained character in the world and they're relatively short and self contained games. But BoTW is a sandbox. And for a large majority of it, you're not going to be doing the story or being addressed as link. The size of the world and the sheer amount of hours you're going to put into it mean that for almost all intents and purposes, Link isn't Link, he's a faceless avatar that you're supposed to put yourself into. The game offers so much freedom in so many avenues and yet, in your choice of how to explore the world as someone you'd actually like to be, you're not allowed. You have to be a skinny blonde twink.

So, in late 2019, in comes a trailer for Genshin Impact. It's making its rounds on the Internet as a "PC Free to Play Gacha Breath of the Wild Clone" which, while a mouthful, was something I initially wrote off. Didn't see a point in checking it out, as I really don't like Gacha games very much. But in late September 2020, MiHoYo the developers released the public 1.0 build of the game to everyone. Multi-platform, too. iOS/Android, PC, PS4, and even a switch release down the line. And maybe its the pandemic, or maybe the Internet was simply too lured in by the cute anime girls, but it took the many by storm. It took me personally over 12+ hours to download the 11 gigs of the game because the servers were so swamped with people.

Now I do want to be clear: Genshin Impact borrows many things from BoTW, but it isn't a clone. It's not a sandbox in the same way BoTW is and aside from some general game play things such as gliders, stamina/wall climbing system, and general aesthetic, the games are massively different. Still, though, playing it has highlighted to me why I never felt quite right playing BoTW, and its that lack of freedom. That lack of ability to play the game on my own terms and explore the beautiful handcrafted world the way I want to. 

Despite appearances, Genshin Impact is a lot more like a single player MMO than it is anything else. Requiring tons of farming and grinding to create high level powerful characters in a world that gets increasingly more powerful and hostile as you do. The core game play loop of Genshin Impact is pretty phenomenal, essentially giving you a massive world to explore with literally thousands upon thousands of chests and rewards to find. Either by clearing out enemies, doing random in world puzzles, or even just sitting around. Being inside of and exploring the world of Teyvat is as rewarding as it is beautiful. The art and animation design of the game are stellar and do a lot to make you forget how much time has passed since you booted up the game in the first place. There's tons of different lore books to find, NPC's to talk to, quests to complete, the world is chock-full of lore and world building even down to simple weapon and material descriptions. Teyvat is a wonderful place to be and the developers MiHoYo deserve a pat on the back for how good the world of Genshin Impact is. The other side of game play is a simple system of Character Progression where you farm materials to make your characters/weapons/abilities better so that you can farm even more materials from harder enemies, much like an MMO, and you also acquire gear called Artifacts with randomly rolled stats much like an ARPG. In that regard, Genshin Impact is highly addictive. There are a myriad of weapons, talents, artifacts, and characters all to level up and build up over the course of your play, and every character can be made viable very very easily. The game also lets you keep a party of 4 characters that you can swap between at any point, as well as each character being attuned to a specific Elemental Type that reacts to other Elements. This causes the end-game to be centered around doing some of the hardest dungeons the game has to offer by theory crafting incredibly powerful teams that work off of each other and cause Elemental Reactions in enemies. It’s some of the most fun i’ve had in a game in ages.

All of that is fantastic but unfortunately its all also held back by one simple, huge problem: Original Resin. The game uses a currency called Original Resin that you use to challenge the harder content in the game. Dungeons, World Bosses, Elite Weekly Bosses, you name it and if its end-game content, it likely costs Resin. And not in insignificant amounts either. Dungeons are 20, Bosses are 40, and Weekly Bosses are 60. So, how do you obtain this material? Time. You start with, and are capped, at 120(Later 160 in patch 1.1). 1 resin takes 8 minutes to get back. If you spend it all, it takes 16 hours to get back. Given the rates you spend it, you can go from 120 to 0 in roughly 10-15 minutes. With no way to increase the resin cap, and the incredibly slow acquisition rate, that frequently means you only have about that much playtime a day of the game in the endgame. And that's, needless to say, incredibly frustrating. Thankfully its not an entire stamina system that means you can't play the game at all when you're out of resin, but it does mean that character progression itself is gated as all upgrade/progression materials are locked behind these dungeons and bosses that you must use Original Resin to face. Effecitvely, this means single characters will become weeks and weeks of work, with weapons and artifacts being only slightly less time consuming. I can only hope MiHoYo is looking to change this system in a way that isn't just increasing the cap as the feedback they've received has been very negative regarding it, but only time will tell.

Unfortunately, this isn't the games only problem with its players either. The game is a Gacha, there is no getting around that, but despite the fact that pretty much any character can become massively overpowered and viable in the endgame, people are going to want the rarest characters that exist. This is by design and unfortunately is more or less a glorified gambling system. And while the game is quite nice with its premium currency and how often it gives it, what isn't nice is that the rarest “5-star”characters cost a minimum of 200$ to get through money. With no guarantee you're getting the one you want.

Worse still, outside of a guaranteed 5-star drop at 90 rolls on the gacha wheel, the chance for a 5-star weapon or character is 0.6%. Not even a whole rounded up 1%. This is frankly ridiculous, as is the cost of real money to premium currency. For reference, most other popular Gacha’s doing well offer their rarest characters at anywhere between a 1-6% rate. In general, gacha's aren't known to be kind in their rates. That’s the point, they want you to gamble with real money. Genshin Impact, however, is so unkind and unfair that even other regular players of gacha gamers are very, very vocally upset. If it wasn't for the game play loop and the world, I'm not sure this would fly. And its certainly not flying in the west with the crowd that doesn't play Gacha's nearly as much. Neither is the resin system, as gamers in the west typically want to play for hours and hours at a time.

I’d be remiss if i didn’t bring up the story in Genshin Impact, as it’s genuinely fantastic. As previously stated, the world has a metric tonne of hidden lore in books, weapon/item/artifact descriptions, character stories you unlock as you use a playable character, etc. But the main story you can currently play from start to finish in the 1.0 release is the prologue.

This prologue stars very simply: Your character, the “Traveler” is an alien from another world. Not much is known about them so far, other than that the Traveler and their sibling were people with the ability to hop between worlds at will. In the opening moments of the game this power, along with your sibling, are stolen from you by an unnamed assailant. Thus trapping you in Teyvat and leaving you to begin a journey to find the Seven Gods of Teyvat, simply known as “The Seven” and seek their power and wisdom to find your sibling and potentially leave. This journey is how you meet Venti, one of the Seven in disguise as a simple human bard, and his best friend Dvalin. The events that follow have you help this strange bard, as well as the people of Mondstat, defeat the dragon Dvalin. Previously, he protected the lands of Mondstat for hundreds of years. However, as you meet both Dvalin and Venti, he has had his mind corrupted and been lied to by an order of evil mages known as the Abyss Order, and its caused him to go on the offensive against Mondstat and her people.

It's a fair bit emotional, humorous at times thanks to Venti, and overall very engaging. Mondstat is a city built on freedom, to the point that its own god Barbatos(Venti) refuses to rule over it and allows himself to be the weakest of the seven gods, as that would take away some of the cities freedom. Within this prologue, there is a huge focus on Mondstat being a city of Freedom, the prologue quite literally ends with Venti telling Dvalin after you have saved him from the corruption that even though he is "meant" to be the protector of Mondstat, he hopes Dvalin chooses whatever life he wants, even if that's not Mondstats protector, and that Venti simply wants him to be happy. Venti's own personal story quest goes further in depth about the foundation of Mondstat and its origins as a rebel city founded after the citizens overthrew the oppressive rule of an awful tyrant God and killed him. In a very pretty hand drawn "cathedral window" style cutscene, you get to see the end of this war and why Barbatos chose the form he currently inhabits and took up being a bard, which was to honor a dead friend from this very same war. This explains why Mondstat and Barbatos value its freedom so highly. I cried at this moment both times I played it.

For a free game, the storytelling here is off the charts. As i said before, Venti and many other characters have personal stories that both introduce you to a trial version of the playable character, thus letting you see how they work and play, and also giving you either more info on the world or an introduction to the character in question, or both. They're fantastic little stories and are up there with the main story in quality. One of my favorite parts of the game and something that will only be expanded with time. Each one takes you on a journey of discovery or even simple fun with a character and it all feels very personal and touching, as all of the main stories and character quests are very well voice acted.

The prologue being so focused on freedom makes it all the more awkward, then, that MiHoYo is a game developer based out of China, and as such has to follow China's censorship rules. Taiwan and Hong Kong both are censored in-game chat and if you're reported for saying them, you'll be banned for daring to speak the words. These aren't the only censorship decisions in the game, but they're by far the ones that struck me the most. I understand that the company is based out of China and thus has to follow the censorship rules, as they are the actual law of the land and they could be fined or even shut down if they refused. But the disconnect of knowing there are actual human rights atrocities being committed in China with the Uygher Genocide and Re-Education camps, the human rights violations in Hong Kong, the breakdown of democracy and the treatment of Taiwan, while this game that comes out of China boasts on and on about Freedom and the Human right to self actualize and choose their future is... troubling. It's one that I don't really know how to reconcile, if it can be reconciled at all. I'd like to believe that the developers really believe in their own story and secretly oppose those sorts of atrocities. But at the same time, banning players who mention Hong Kong or Taiwan isn't in the law. That’s a decision MiHoYo is making. Right now, China doesn’t have the freedom that Venti and Mondstat and Genshin Impact try to instill in you so hard as important and a human right. And knowing that and knowing the censorship is in the game make it very difficult to get a read on what the game actually wants you to feel.

Overall,i think Genshin Impact is a fantastic game. Its updates plan to bring in not only more story, as there are meant to be 7 Acts and currently the game features the Prologue and half of Act 1, but in those acts it plans to explain the playable areas and bring in new Events, Characters, Weapons, etc. And that makes me excited for the future of Genshin Impact! It’s a beautiful game of genuinely Triple AAA quality completely for free. But. Its also a Gacha game and by far one of the least rewarding Gachas you could play right now. Maybe that will change with time. I certainly hope it does. But it feels hard to recommend something that, once you beat it, disrespects your time so much and so badly. I hope Genshin Impact has a bright future, I really do, and I’m definitely going to continue playing it. But right now, I can’t say for certain that I feel confident in the developers to make it the game it clearly wants to be if it wasn’t shackled down by its Gacha.

[callunavulgari]

TOP 25 FICS OF 2019

1. these roads will take you into your own country by @notbecauseofvictories | American Gods | Laura Moon/Mad Sweeney | WIP | 33k

Here’s a joke for you: a Muslim, a zombie, and a leprechaun walk into a bar in Misery, Indiana. No one stares, because no one in the puckered, shitty asshole of Misery, Indiana gives a fuck. The Colts are playing.

Heather Says: So. It’s funny that another of @notbecauseofvictories‘s stories is at the top of my list again this year. Keep in mind this list is sorted by when the fic was read rather than favorites (because that would get real complicated real quick). Clearly there must be something about January. There’s just something about the writing that is easy to slip into, be it a Star Wars fic or a Labyrinth fic or even a fic about Johnny and the Devil. This was lovely and I can’t wait until it’s finished.

2. eighteen wheels on an uphill climb by @honkforhankcon | Detroit: Become Human | Hank/Connor | 91k

Hank is going to die. He’s going to die right here in Kentucky, 53 years old, halfway to broke, and tragically sober. Survived only by a nine-year-old St. Bernard and the 31-year-old twink who delivered the fatal blow.

Heather Says: I don’t think that this is the first DBH fic that I sought out after beating the game, but it is the first that I loved enough to make it to this list. I didn’t think that I would go for a modern au for this fandom, certainly not a modern au wihere Hank is a truck driver and Connor is a sex worker (albeit briefly?) but here I am.

3. Fuck pride (pride only hurts, it never helps) by ImogenGotDrunk | Detroit: Become Human | RK900/Gavin Reed | 41k

After the android uprising, Connor becomes a permanent fixture in the DPD. That’s fine. Gavin can accept that. The dipshit’s more human than he used to be, and a decent detective to boot. Gavin can deal with him being around. What Gavin cannot deal with is Connor’s replica; two inches taller, blue-eyed, and with a mouth that Gavin doesn’t know whether to punch or take between his teeth. The RK900 model has been assigned as his partner for the foreseeable future.

Heather Says: I also never thought that I’d like a fic with Gavin in it. But I got curious about all the Reed900, and well, this fic really won me over. The writing is fantastic, and it softens Gavin while still keeping him believable. Also, well, I like the enemies to lovers thing.

4. Almost Cool by @blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 30k

While filming the Yuma Territorial Prison episode, Shane gets bitten by what he thinks is a bat. Spoiler alert: it's not.

Heather Says: This is actually the first thing that I read for this fandom. In fact, this is the fic that got me into Buzzfeed Unsolved in the first place. I’d seen a lot of art and gifs and fics pass my way, but I was only ever slightly interested in what I saw until this fic came through my inbox and piqued my curiosity. 

5. Pride by @astolat | Game of Thrones | Jaime/Brienne/Cersei | 22k

Jaime didn’t understand why Cersei suddenly insisted on trimming his hair and shaving his beard, but he also didn’t care to fight her on it, even though he’d just as soon have kept the beard: it was bitterly cold in the small tower room with its arrow-slits. 

Heather Says: Wowza. This fic was intense. I’ve always loved Jaime and Brienne. I’ve loved them since the second book, which was read at least a few years before I started loving them in the show. Adding Cersei to their dynamic would have probably been almost impossible to pull off if it was anyone else, but @astolat lives to surpass my expectations.

6. Skin and Scales by Ernmark | The Penumbra Podcast | Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla | 18k

The man glares, and this time, Damien is certain it isn’t a trick of the light: those eyes are violet as amethyst. He wears disdain like a second skin–- or, perhaps, like the scales that he is missing. “Lord Arum?”

Heather Says: I was one of those people who skipped through all of the Second Citadel episodes during my first listen through of Penumbra. The stories were good, but the pull of Juno was too great. A couple months after I finished, I went back and listened to everything I didn’t. And let me tell you. Lizard monster. Honorable knight. Bookish girlfriend. Poly. It hit every single button I had and then some. This fic really hit the spot when I ran out of story.

7. someone you like by caela | She-Ra | Adora/Catra | 5k

catwithabat u think ur so hipster but u just look like a lesbian 27m she_ra @catwithabat bc… i’m a lesbian. lmao 5m

Heather Says: Noooot usually a big fan of high school fics. Namely because I’m not in high school anymore and well, after you read so many in your teenage years they sort of lose their luster. This one was phenomenal enough to change my mind.

8. Sands of Time by @tirsynni | Legend of Zelda | Ganondorf/Link | WIP | 98k

Link awakens in the desert with no idea how he got there, to encounter his worst enemy...except it was the King of the Gerudo, not the King of Evil, he faced.

Heather Says: I have seen a lot of really good Link/Ganondorf art over the years, but never really stumbled across a fic that didn’t have judicious amount of non-con involved. But the Breath of the Wild 2 trailer happened, and everybody started drawing really pretty art, so I went looking. And lo and behold, @tirsynni saved the day with this gorgeous time travel/fix-it fic. 

9. killed with kindness by veterization | Persona 5 | Akechi/Akira | 52k

Goro can't quite figure out why so many people keep acting like they're his friend. (Or: the one where the Phantom Thieves decide to know thy enemy, befriend thy enemy, love thy enemy, crush on thy enemy).

Heather Says: I’ve read a couple of veterization’s fics over the years, and to date they have never disappointed me. They published this in June, and I think I clicked on it mostly because I was bored and hadn’t read any good P5 fic yet. This was basically just what the doctor ordered, and I was really happy to find something where Akechi’s story went ever so slightly different.

10. paper thin by @ebonybow | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane/Sara | 9k

Shane’s new neighbors are a morning-sex kind of couple.

Heather Says: So I went into this one knowing very little about how Sara fit into things. I didn’t know she was Shane’s girlfriend. I’d never even seen her, but I clicked because I like poly and I trust the author. I was 100% not disappointed. There’s also another fic with a very similar dynamic here, which is also aces.

11. damn.nation, now available on itunes by @kaikamahine | Good Omens | Aziraphale/Crowley | 11k

When lowly tempt-pusher Amphora (formerly of Stairwell 7B North, before she Fell,) gets the notice that end times are nigh, she gleefully quits her job and cancels her Netflix subscription and takes her place among the legions of hell. This, it turns out, was a bad plan.

Heather Says: Elizabeth may have only written one fic this year, but she made it a damn good one. I’ve always loved her OCs especially, so I was pretty tickled that this is 10k+ of outsider pov. Also, demons! Demons are great! This demon is great! I want like 9 seasons and a movie about Amphora, just saying.

12. The Dragon and Her Wolves by hapakitsune | Game of Thrones | Jon/Sansa/Daenarys | 60k

When the truth of Jon's birthright is revealed, control of the North and Daenerys's claim to the Iron Throne are both called into question. To preserve their tenuous alliance and secure her rule, Daenerys puts aside her personal feelings to arrange a marriage of political convenience between Jon and Sansa Stark.

Heather Says: What do you mean season 8 didn’t exist and the show totally ended with a three way relationship between the two most powerful women in Westeros and Jon Snow? Never been a big fan of Jon/Sansa before this, but this is another of those writers that I would literally trust if they wrote a fic about a fork and a spoon.

13. never tell me the odds by @wildehacked | Wolf 359 | Eiffel/Hera | 9k

“I tried Star Wars," he says, adjusting the phone under his neck, "and it was way underwhelming.”

A shaky breath from her end. “Well, where did you start?”

Heather Says: I don’t remember which of @wildehacked‘s fandoms I started reading first. Most recently it’s been The Magnus Archives (more on this later). The point is, they’d written Wolf 359 fic and it had Hera and Eiffel and it was literally everything that I’ve been looking for since the series ended.

14. Find Me Somebody by raiining | Good Omens | Warlock/Adam Young | 11k

“You left me,” he said. “You both left me, for him. And I can’t even blame you, because I’d have left me for him too.”

Heather Says: There was an Art. The art was lovely. So I went looking, because that’s what I do when faced with beautiful art depicting a rare pairing. And I found the holy grail. Like, possibly my favorite Good Omens fic? Ever? 

15. flirting with fire by @brawlite | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | WIP | 7k

Steve's a cop, Billy's a firefighter. It's not a grudge, it's just a regular old small town rivalry.

Heather Says: Okay so brawlite has written a lot of great stuff this year (more on that later), but I read this in bed at the beach house this August while I was reeling from both a horrible sunburn and like seven hours of mild to moderate day-drinking while everyone else was still throwing back shots right outside my bedroom door. Jaws was playing on the tv and I wasn’t even paying attention to it, because THIS. Long story short, I’ve been thirsty for more ever since.

16. gold, when you find me by mmtion | The Flash | Iris/Barry | 53k

It's not that Iris hates The Flash, per say - more that she hates writing about The Streak in a weekly, pun-heavy comic based on The Flash.

Heather Says: I never would have thought that a canon pairing would make it to my Top 25 list, but here we are. I like Iris/Barry a lot better when they don’t grow up together and spend a lot of time playing the Superman game, apparently. Also, this was really well-written, and sexual tension has never been something I’ve felt from Barry and Iris, but I felt it in this fic. Just. Damn.

17. never gets old by @brawlite & @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger| Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 78k

Falling in love with a cam boy named KingSteve isn't the smartest thing Billy Hargrove has ever done, nor is it the most healthy -- but the good choice is rarely ever the fun choice, and Billy is all about living life fast and loose.

Heather Says: Told you I’d come back to it. brawlite and toastranger are a fantastic team. last year was cherry pie and under the covers, this year it’s camboys and cop/firefighter dynamics. Also, I have a really strange fascination with fics where a character has an instragram. It’s really, incredibly strange. Also also, every time I see this fic title I get that one Discovery Channel song stuck in my head. And no, it probably isn’t the one you’re thinking.

18. ways to save the world by @wildehacked | The Magnus Archives | Martin Blackwood/Jon Sims | 19k

“I left you,” Martin says softly.

Heather Says: And we’re back at wildehacked too! The Magnus Archives was a thing that happened to me. This is I think the first fic I read for it while listening, and it was so very close to what we got in canon. I think when it comes down to it though, I still prefer this fic, even if the ending of this season was pretty fantastic.

19. The Denial Twist by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 35k

“This is kind of surreal,” Shane says, taking a sip of his tea. It’s piping hot and delicious, except it tastes like hot chocolate and not like tea at all. “Sort of—Wonka-esque, right? Or Alice in Wonderland.”

Heather Says: While the vampire one is my favorite both because it is excellent and because it was my first, this one was bizarre and sexy and also I read it like only a month or so ago! The dancing was my favorite part, but having dreams to work with made this story fantastically interesting and I loved every second of it.

20. silver in our lungs by taywen | Spinning Silver | Miryem/The Staryk Lord | 4k

The marks had been with Miryem for as long as she could remember. There were a number of them, all the same shade, following one after the other around her left wrist. They were pale as old scars, though they felt no different from the rest of her skin, and her mother claimed that Miryem had been born with them.

Heather Says: I really like soulmate aus. There’s so many different ways to twist them and the way they can sometimes change the dynamic entirely and other times not change them at all is just fascinating. I’ve been hoping there would be more Spinning Silver content on ao3 and running into this while I was trying to decide what I wanted to do for yuletide was a real treat.

21. you got me begging, begging, i'm on my knees by plalligator | The Queen’s Thief | Attolia/Eugenides/Costis | 5k

Costis has a particularly enlightening evening. (or, that struggle when you're a guard who's in love with your rulers and it turns out you would kind of like it if they bossed you around a little)

Heather Says: I accidentally re-read the King of Attolia and it made me consider ships I had perhaps not previously considered. This was really lovely and just steamy enough.

22. something more alive than silence by pageleaf | The Queen’s Thief | Attolia/Eugenides/Costis | 21k

It was a good thing that six months after the king had promised to halve the guard, he still hadn’t done it, because since then, there had been two attempts on the king’s life.

Heather Says: I want to only type the words AGONIZED NOISES to describe this fic because that’s basically my headspace when I get 21k of a shiny new ot3, but I mean. Really. This is super good and maybe my favorite yet? Why didn’t I start reading this fandom when I first read the books?

23. Timing it Right by DragonBandit | The Bright Sessions | Mark/Damien | 14k

The dragon chooses, Mark knows that as well as any boy born in a weyr. He'd never considered what that would mean if the dragon picked someone you hated. He's starting to think that was a mistake.

Damien's gold rises at Whitney. Mark tries to make things right.

Heather Says: This should actually be somewhere back in March, but I apparently closed out of the tab at some point. I never really got into Pern much. I have the first three books, but got most of the way through the first one a long time ago and then never picked it back up. I didn’t think I would like this, mostly because of the fact that I hadn’t gotten into the books, but was surprised to find that I absolutely loved it.

24. Keep It In Your Sights Now by LuckyDiceKirby | Shades of Magic | Lila/Kell/Holland | 9k

Holland travels with Lila and Kell. Somewhere along the way, they reach an equilibrium.

Heather Says: I love the new things I’ve discovered during my yuletide trompings. I don’t think I ever actually considered this pairing when I first read the books, but I am just so enamored with the idea of the three of them together. Like, why did I not realize that potential back then? This was lovely, and I loved it, and I want so much more out of this pairing than what ao3 has to offer me.

25. Charioteer by petrichoral | The Queen’s Thief | Gen & Costis | 13k

Captured in battle and stuck in the Mede capital, Costis has given up all hope of seeing his country again. But Eugenides has a habit of turning up where he's least expected.

Heather Says: Technically this shouldn’t be on here because I only read it today, but it was really wonderful and so canon typical. Gen and Costis were perfect in it, Irene was perfect in it. Everyone was perfect and nothing hurts.

[unwiltingblossom]

Magicians s4 is garbage and here’s why. Spoilers.

Can we take a moment to appreciate just how bad Magicians s4 was, as a whole? I know, people are mad about the whole ‘going out of their way to hint at Eliot/Q for no reason when they had just as much of a connection as friends, just to upset the people that shipped it more when they killed Q’ but

Honestly, there’s so much more broken garbage about this season than just the one part of how it ended that the writers WANT us to talk about. So yes, let’s take a moment first to appreciate how the writers hate Quin and refused to let him grow as a character ever or give him the moments of success he had in the books, until they pointlessly murdered him instead of letting him finally be happy with the ending he should have gotten. It deserves derision.

But let’s focus on other things, too.

It’s long. It’s ranty. It’s going to rip apart season four and its finale and also touch on season three. It’s already tagged spoilers, but there’s more spoilers in here than out of the cut. Also, yes. We’re gonna talk about how the show pretends that it’s empowering females while it takes away all of their agency and makes them all about their men. And other hypocrisy.

First off. The fake female empowerment crap. And yes, it was so fake. We know it because the show itself utterly undermines and destroys it at the end of the season. Or sometimes literally right after they flex.

First: IT’S OKAY TO CALL MARGOT BY THE GENDER APPROPRIATE TITLE FOR ROYAL MONARCH OF A LAND. I know that by magical technicality she has to be ‘high KING’ (more on that later if I remember, because they actually ignore some of that) but there’s no reason Margot herself and other characters need to insist on ‘king’. Queen Regnant has the same ruling power and authority as a King Regnant. That’s why a non ruling Queen is called Queen Consort. Unless, of course, Magicians and SYFY are implying that Queen Elizabeth I and II are somehow inferior to King Edward and Henry the VIII(s) because they are only queens? Nevermind Elizabeth II has been queen so long her crown would have fossilized on her head by now if she wore it like fictional royalty always did.

Anyway.

Show. You’re not progressive because you have Penny smugly smile and say ‘let go of your cishet white boy bias, the main characters are the women’. You’re just obnoxious. Especially when Penny immediately finds out the cishet white boy he’s talking down to is actually his boss. Oof.

See, if you want us to believe other characters are actually the protagonists? You need to treat them like protagonists. You don’t do that, though. The only reason I remember the blonde librarian’s name is because it’s Zelda.

The episode builds up how important Fen is and how she has her own quest that will do something important, but what happens literally the very next episode? Oh right, Margot steps in and takes control of that, seizing the quest for herself. The only reasons I can presume this is for is #1 - the show writers despise the books and want to undermine everything about them, down to ensuring none of the humans get to rule Fillory even after they wasted multiple episodes democratically handing Margot the crown. Too bad for the talking animals, eh? and #2 to set up the sequel hook in the ending that, while interesting purely because it’s a Prince Caspian set up, was entirely unnecessary and could have been replaced by a series finale ending instead.

It actually makes no sense. Margot doesn’t contribute in any significant way she couldn’t have if she were still High King, because Fen could have done the entire black sand mission herself, because she is married to Eliot, remember, let’s not make fun of her feelings for him just because she’s not the main character (but she is! screeches smug penny!) - could she have seen the fairy? No, but she would have been able to work it out anyway, because it just wanted to help her. And here’s the kicker? The reason West Loria is against Fillory (aside from lol plot) is because OF FEN. Margot wasn’t ruling when Fillory chose the wrong side! Margot hasn’t weighed in at all, so why IN THE WORLD would this woman decide that she absolutely wouldn’t deal with any High King EXCEPT THE ONE WHO DID THE THING SHE DIDN’T LIKE?

Quick, tell me what Margot contributed to the plot from the point she left Fillory that Fen couldn’t have done, or that couldn’t have been accomplished by Margot still in Fillory.

Whoops, you’re out of time! There’s nothing. She did nothing of consequence that Fen couldn’t have done just slightly differently to suit her skills and actually justify the BS Penny spewed about her being a significant protagonist figure. Margot got swapped with Fen primarily because, no matter what self congratulatory subversive crap the show patted itself on the back with, Margot is actually a main character and Fen isn’t, so Margot needed to at least be near the action, and get her own quest, even if it was just taking Fen’s away from her. And also having a weird rushed romance with Josh for some reason. Who knows. I miss the genuine connection Margot and Eliot had for seasons that this season chose to throw away on a boring monster plot. I also miss Margot and Q’s friendship that this season ignored because we needed to focus on romance instead and pretend Margot doesn’t make friends.

Which reminds me, it’s super great how we went from Josh detesting Margot for making him help murder one of his only friends to Josh wanting to be her boyfriend because they share an STD. Really important and believable romance, there.

Kady also did fairly little from the point of that episode onward. They had to bring the Hedgewitches plot in to make her important, and even as the defacto ruler of the HW she still did very little except suggest that they could help the completely improbable ‘let’s just skip over the mechanics of making this work’ collaborative spell. And Alice and Julia already had the contacts to allow that to work anyway

ANYWAY MOVING ON

but not too far, because I need to talk about that awful red sand episode.

First, an aside: just because people liked your two musical episodes over the span of the entire series doesn’t mean you need to start stuffing singing into everywhere because ‘SINGING’

If only the problem with the episode was that the singing didn’t end with dancing Eliot. But no. This episode was PEAK fake female empowerment.

Margot finds a tribe of nomads who inexplicably choose to live in a desert that’s constantly trying to kill them. Every time women have an over the top emotional eruption (the show keeps saying ‘the tiniest bump’ or whatever but that’s a bunch of crap, it’s very clearly only when they have an eruption or tantrum), red sand appears and tries to kill them via possession. Men in the tribe protect them from this by jumping in the way and getting possessed instead, and then  USUALLY DIE because the method of fixing them is to effing stab them with double axes and pull out the spirit, then try to fix them with desert medicine.

Raised knowing that their lives are in constant danger, and that if they fly off the handle about something not only are they in danger but the men around them, whom they purportedly love, may very well die, the women of course are incapable of just controlling themselves and will erupt in rage regularly like some modern city girl even while being actively cautioned to calm down and knowing they’re endangering their entire settlement.

Upon hearing that men consistently risk their lives to protect their insane girlfriends who literally cannot control their emotions on pain of death, Margot concludes ‘wow, this culture is mighty misogynistic. sucks.’

but then, oh no. The sand isn’t trying to HURT them, the sand - for no reason anyone in the show bothers to explain, because world building isn’t important to the writers - it actually just wants the women not to be sad and will grant their any wish if one so much as has a temper tantrum. Trigger scene where Margot beats up all the evil menfolk for oppressing these poor, helpless, weak women who need a sassy foreign girl to save them from themselves and literal fairies to look after their every boo-boo. There’s brief lip service given to the idea that maybe the women themselves DON’T hate all the men around them, but Margot shrugs it off and suggests that now the women of the camp are free to literally murder any man who makes them mad, or ‘just’ force them to slave for them for however long they want.

PATRIARCHY DESTROYED, GUYS. EQUALITY ACHIEVED. MEN ARE NOW ENSLAVED AND KILLED OVER NOTHING!!! LOOK AT THE STRONG WOMEN WHO LITERALLY NEEDED A FOREIGN WHITE CHICK TO SHOW UP AND SAVE THEM SO THAT A WHOLE SPECIES OF FAIRIES COULD CONSTANTLY CODDLE AND LOOK AFTER THEIR EVERY NEED.

SO STRONG.

I’m not even joking, though. They tried to write a “YEAH! WOMEN!” plot but just made the women there look completely inept and incapable of fending for themselves at all without a smart American there to teach them. And that’s without getting into the horror of setting up a slave society where men are objects that can be killed on a whim. eugh.

Anyway, so Margot does all that and spends just...all season insisting WOMEN ARE STRONGER. WOMEN ARE TOUGH. WOMEN ARE STRONNGGG. DON’T NUTSACK OUT ON ME MAN. BE A PUSSY AND TOUGH IT OUT!!!!! OF COURSE THE WOMAN IS THE VIOLENT AND UNSTABLE ONE (wait--)

But where’s that all lead us to?

The season finale.

Before we dive too deep let’s take a brief moment to look at poor Julia through all this season.

#1, in some twist that doesn’t really make sense, the dean hides all of the main cast as alternate personalities under glamors with some heavy witness protection magic as a deal to the Library so they don’t have to die...and so naturally the Library has a dead or alive bounty on them.

huh?

Whatever, let’s not focus too hard on the garbage pail of a plot the monster plot is, because that’s tied into the huge dumpsterfire that season 3′s finale was, and the best to talk about that is how these smart and manipulative people literally couldn’t be bothered to lie to and trick a simple childlike monster into thinking he was their ACTUAL FRIEND no matter how often he looked for validation from them (maybe he wouldn’t have been so keen on clinging to Eliot if he thought you guys liked HIM, not just the body, you nimrods) and who began to get some development and understanding of living life normally without killing everyone right before they imprison him and send him to ultra-hell.

No it’s cool. Just imprison the childlike creature who you didn’t bother to try to teach morality to after it desperately sought some kind of affection and acceptance from literally anyone. Seems like the good guy thing to do. I mean, you showed that mean ol’ child molester by getting him to trust you, using his knowledge, and then literally trying to murder him, so honestly this isn’t out of character at all for our ‘good guys’. 

a n y way. JULIA.

It’s hinted at in season 3 that burning up all your god magic to make keys is actually temporary (but renders you able to be killed, so season 4 literally got it opposite of right, whoops), so obviously Julia really wants to get that back. She’s been motivated and shaped by magic as much as Q. She has been raped, lost her shade, suffered, had people die protecting and helping her, and became a goddess entirely by her own merit. She reasonably wants to get that power back, since she can’t die and isn’t really affected by magic in a normal way so she’s not fully human still.

Julia rescues everyone from the mindwipe by dying literally hundreds, maybe thousands of times and coming back. She gets a Mainaid (who I don’t feel like spelling right) that comes to believe in her and worship her as a goddess, and what happens? Well, first Penny who wants to get his dick wet gets jealous and runs off because he’s not the center of her world for like an hour. Partly because of this, the girl whom she rescued from suicide gets pointlessly murdered protecting her.

But hey, they’ve confirmed Julia is still a deity mostly but just can’t seem to access her powers. So Julia keeps digging and looking for a way to get them back. This leads to discovering an ancient book in the mirror version of the library who confirms that yes, she’s basically a demigod who won’t ever die, but needs to complete the transition either back to full godhood or to full humanity or she’s always be a little wrong, basically like she dislocated her divine limb fixing the keys and it can either be put back in or chopped off.

Now, this book (the Binder) warns her that both options are going to be long and painful and have their downsides, and implies they’ll be permanent, so she’s going to have to be SURE of what she wants. This warning is the ONLY reason Julia doesn’t immediately jump to a decision. And then the Monster shows up and kidnaps her. She calls the Lady Underground, who is unhelpful and just says ‘gotta make a choice yourself girl, no wrong answer’ and then the lady gets herself killed for no reason after Julia is immediately possessed.

Penny ‘rescues’ her by stabbing her in the back to pull the spirit out, and then blah blah her demigodhood doesn’t like that stabby thing, and it won’t let her die but also won’t heal. Solution? Make the choice and go full god or human and it’ll fix. Naturally, even though Julia’s been awake this whole time, she’s now unconscious ‘for the pain’ and Penny who is A POWERFUL TELEPATH can’t be bothered to pop in her head and ask what she wants under those circumstances.

no, he makes her decision FOR her. This is important, we’ll get back to this.

Penny has been chasing Julia(’s tail) around all season now. He’s been a part of her path to godhood this whole time, knows what she’s done to try to get it, so when forced to make a permanent choice for her

THIS

DICKHEAD

CHOOSES TO MAKE HER HUMAN. Against EVERYTHING he’s seen of her up until this point, and against whatever he knew of his Julia. Why? “I was selfish” WELL THANK YOU, MISTER “I JUST WANNA GET LAID” FOR AT LEAST ADMITTING YOU ROBBED A WOMAN OF SOMETHING SO UNBELIEVABLY SIGNIFICANT AND IMPORTANT AND LITERALLY LEFT HER WITHOUT MAGIC BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO STICK IT IN.

That’s right. Fandom’s all mad that Quentin died and they glorified suicide? Yeah, they just stripped away ALL AGENCY from a woman and made a choice for her that he KNEW she didn’t want just because it would be more convenient for him. Just violate the trust and remove the agency of the woman you already raped on screen once, show. Seems smart. Plus, now she does nothing for the rest of the episode and gets unfairly saddled with the guilt of Q’s demise because you just had to hamfist in his death.

ohoho but it doesn’t end there, no.

Penny, a man, takes away everything Julia earned HERSELF and locks away her path back to godhood (despite book Julia staying a goddess and becoming a Dryad) and then leaves her helpless and pointless sitting at home hoping everyone does okay, wrestling with her new existential crisis of being a weak, magicless human after all she did to get magic in the first place...and then Quentin dies, and because she’s so sad about him, suddenly she can do magic again! Weird internal consistency there considering how little is present in s4.

So Julia goes from a self-made woman, whose primary connections outside of her childhood friend are other women, to a woman whose whole life is now dictated by men. Important choices are made for her, she is passive in a crisis about her friends, and then her breakthrough to regain magic is...because of a man.

(BTW Kady also breaks down and decides she’s all about Penny, even though she’s kind of already worked through this last year and had plenty of other stuff to do this season)

And since I’m talking about consistency, let’s glance at THAT can of worms, shall we?

First and foremost: the High King of Fillory shouldn’t be able to leave Fillory. Remember when that was a huge plot point that caused great angst for Eliot in season 2? And how it only stopped because magic went away so the spells involved no longer worked?

Let’s assume Margot was grandfathered out into the normal world, and further assume that an election still makes her High King, not Eliot. As soon as Ember’s Emanation snapped her back into Fillory, she shouldn’t have been able to leave until MAYBE she was ‘overthrown’ (which might have given a REASON for her to be overthrown, if her location on earth mattered)

Yet that’s not a concern at all. Margot also doesn’t really bother to rule much so. sucks. but whatever. Clearly they just wanted King Fen here. (Again, ‘king’, because ‘queen’ is weak somehow. ew girls.)

NEXT

Eliot. How do you mess up Eliot when he’s in like three episodes and barely in two of those? I don’t know but they did it.

Here’s the problem with his ‘darkest memory’ thing. It’s not that Eliot might have feelings for Q, this surprises NO ONE, it’s everything else about it.

First. Puzzle Quentin marries PEACH GIRL. He’s not married to Eliot, they just share an extremely deep bond. It’s pretty much explicitly nonromantic though, given that Quentin marries and breeds with some girl he never mentions nor appears to mourn again. He’s hit with a lifetime of feelings, and instead of thinking “I had a wife...and a child...what happened to my child?” he thinks “Gee, I should hook up with Eliot even though I’m bicurious at best.”

This. This is while he is self-professed to be in love with Alice, around the time of his fling with Poppy, and again, right after finding out he was married, widowed, and a father. This is when the writers decided to stage “Once, Quentin wanted to marry Eliot.” It just makes Quentin look fickle, unfaithful, and frankly some kind of addicted to relationships, like he’s terrified of not being in one.

But it’s also? Not a good look for Eliot. Because this season basically MOCKS his marriage to Fen. He’s shown to be affectionate to her, she is in the trio of the people that he loves (Margot, Quentin, and Fen) who he summons to protect him, but very very very little is spoken or suggested by him to be missing her or wanting to see her again, and more importantly, it doesn’t ring true for him to be ‘afraid of commitment’ or whatever it is he was suggesting by rejecting Q here.

Why? Because he already did this arc. Season 2 is all about him accepting his role of King (which they take away because lol) and more importantly, his marriage to Fen. He has to learn to accept monogamy and actually build feelings for Fen, eventually starting a family with her - that is tragically ripped from him by the Fairies. He then spends s3 with Fen as his wife and with a fake daughter, adventuring and questing and crap, and during the time the scene is set very clearly fine with commitment, as he’s actually in love with Fen at this point and not running away from the marriage. During this time he’s also totally cool with marrying another king for peace because he likes that guy, but I guess we should forget him because...I don’t know? He’s black, maybe?

By the way, he mentions how he ‘has sex with people’s boyfriends’ and shows the scene of his doppel getting it on with someone who has a boyfriend and ignores that he is actively cheating on Fen while he is doing this.

And the show makes fun of Fen mourning the death of her husband, and also implies something like Fen maybe didn’t really love him because she didn’t see herself as a person and was only raised ‘for the high king’ (nevermind she used to be a FU Fighter, they forgot), and that she’s dealt with losing her child TWICE now. Nah, she’s mostly for laughs because DAGGERS.

This is all done just to diminish Eliot/Fen so they can pretend Quentin was in a triangle with Eliot and Alice literally just to make it more sad when he dies unbelievably pointlessly.

Gosh.

Am I forgetting anything? Hm.

The library plot was garbage, but that ties into the dumpsterfire of s3 finale.

Oh yes. Isn’t it great when Marina is just a repeated trope forever? Ah, yes. Me too. I love when characters are super flanderized instead of being allowed to grow and change. All characters in Magicians basically just need to spin their wheels and retrace steps over and over until they die.

Ah yes.

Quentin, thy name is hypocrisy. You’ve been abusive to Alice for three seasons, and then you have the nerve to freak out at her over the keys? Sure it was a dick move, but honestly this only happened because you kept abusing Alice and manipulating her into loving you over and over. Because you’re a dick.

And let’s close out on that, I think, not on a bizarre rendition of Take on Me.

Alice, ex-Niffin, smartest and most talented and most capable mage they know, does not get any say when Quentin stupidly kills himself (by the way he only dies because for reasons known only to the writers he STOPS running and just stands there until he dies). She doesn’t throw the thing in WITH Quentin stopping the crisis before it happens (why were they moving so slowly when there was such a short timeframe? Just LOB EM IN, MAN! Alternatively wtf was the library still forcibly shorting people when there was a universal crisis and Zelda KNEW IT?)

Nope.

Our girl power season ends like this:

Julia loses her agency and has her life defined by the two main men in her life

Alice has no agency in how things play out in the mirror and has her life defined by the two (same) men in her life

Margot is told to ‘go cry outside or something’, and has fallen in love with a random white dude because she banged him once rather than literally let him die. This is character development, because none of the other relationships she’s ever had matter or affected her because they weren’t a romance.

Kady decides to define her life around the (dead) man in her life, until the other man in her life makes her realize he needs her still.

Fen is overthrown by some man offscreen

Zelda refuses to own up to the Library’s problems and try to fix them herself, and instead decides she’s going to pick someone else to do it for her. Also arguably she just sat back and let two men decide how the world would play out.

But it’s okay, guys. The Magicians is very subversive and not like other shows. The white cishet men aren’t main characters, and they proved that because Quentin died, and that’s WAY more subversive than the books, where everyone gets stories and endings that ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE FOR THEM and Quentin actually gets to eventually be happy.

But it’s not a suicide, because Quentin’s friends love him and therefore he had a good thing going, and Quentin has never ever missed or thrown away a good thing before.

Remember guys

it’s really realistic, because ANYONE CAN DIE IN REAL LIFE GUYS

OH MY LORD JUST GIVE US THE EMMY AND TELL US WE’RE PROGRESSIVE, PLEASE. WE’RE ALMOST THERE!

That’s season 4 of Magicians.

It’s bad.

[icequeen-shiva]

alright, you know what

about two weeks ago maybe by now, i made a post about how i’ve recently hit 200 followers and i’d like to do a q&a again, and even with a reblog from someone more ~*popular*~ than me, and multiple reblogs once a day for a few days by myself, i didn’t get a single fucking question. not one. earlier today i posted two pictures of myself where i felt pretty (i’ve since deleted them) and nobody i actually know of liked it and i got asked by a stranger who doesn’t even follow me if i had any nsfw pictures. i don’t get asks anymore, i don’t get shit. and that tells me that, you may be following me, but you aren’t connecting with me. and i feel that. i get on tumblr and i don’t feel like i’m friends with fucking anybody. and i did that. i know i did that. 9/10 times i let my fear of rejection and embarrassing myself overcome my desire to talk to people, so i don’t do it, or i let it fizzle out and we go our own ways and we don’t become friends. 1/10 times i actually function as a human being and make a connection or at least something that sticks a little.

so here, below the cut, is a comprehensive (loosely) list of things that i like, in no particular order at all, besides tickling, because apparently both sides of this need a little help connecting on any front.

scooby-doo

beetlejuice

the addams family

the sims

the mcu

classic disney animations; my favorites are dumbo, the great mouse detective, the rescuers, sleeping beauty, and oliver and company (it’s old enough that i consider it in the classic category)

~modern disney animations too; my favorites are treasure fucking planet, coco, and... i’m a sap, beauty and the beast. rise of the guardians too even though it isn’t disney.

musicals; i can’t pick a favorite just fucking ask me, but i don’t know a lot of newer ones honestly

empire records

the greatest showman still

cats (i mean the animals but i also like the show even though it is Weird As Hell)

my cat in particular

alice in wonderland

stranger things

space jam

tsum tsums

elvira, mistress of the dark

dice

kiki’s delivery service and specifically jiji things

winnie the pooh i don’t even fucking care i LOVE HIM AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS

silly hats

playdoh

interesting earrings

exploring libraries or big bookstores

true crime mysteries; my favorite youtuber for this is georgia marie, bless her. i also watch bella fiori and kendall rae

fictional mysteries too

i have a kind of fascination with jack the ripper and with the lizzie borden case

shipwrecks! i don’t know why but shipwrecks fascinate me! why did they go down? all the stories that went with them!

i once read a novel that was told as a series of letters, or journal entries, by people on the titanic, including the iceberg and it was THE absolute saddest book i have ever read in my life. like, obviously i knew what was coming, but i got attached to the characters, the letters made them alive and it was just like... NO. NO I DON’T WANT THEM TO DIE. I KNOW THEY’RE GOING TO BUT THEY CAN’T. and it was awful. i had to put it down and cry.

cryptozoology

the bermuda triangle theories (i’m not saying i believe sOmEtHiNg’S gOiNg On but i think some of the theories are interesting)

ghosts

the nancy drew computer games

monopoly

i still play a lot of my snes games; my go-to time killer and head-clearer honestly is kirby’s avalanche. i also play a lot of super mario rpg legend of the seven stars, super mario world, kirby’s dreamland 3, and donkey kong 2 and 3

final fantasy x in which i’m guaranteed to call almost (i can’t stress that enough) every character at some point “my child”

hyrule warriors, i know it’s not a tRuE zelda game but it’s fucking fun

same with fire emblem warriors

red dead redemption

kingdom hearts

the uncharted series

splatoon but i don’t have it wahhhhh

mind you i am not very Good at videogames, i just like to play them anyway

game grumps

ninja sex party

jacksepticeye

markiplier

monty python

crocheting

tea

harry potter

classic rock. pretty big on queen lately. i like tom petty and the heartbreakers. i like joan jett and the blackhearts.

i just... like rock. across the board. i like the offspring. i like some rage against the machine songs. acdc on the radio makes me happy. def leppard on the radio makes me happy. beartooth, starset, powerman 5000, as long as it’s got a good beat and good stuff going on behind the vocals then i’m gonna be happy. i’m way more into the guitars and the bass and everything going on instrumentally than i am vocally, honestly. the whole big guitar solo to van halen’s “you really got me” and then that bassline that comes in, that bassline is sexy. it’s so simple but i LIKE it.

anyway music as a whole gets me right in the heart and can lift me up when i am at my literal worst point

it’s hard for me to name a favorite or specific bands that i like because there’s so many and i’m not really picky about it. 

pop vinyls

good ol’ vines

buffalo wings

mac and cheese

grilled cheese

dr. pepper

i drink a l o t of dr. pepper

pretending i know how to do makeup well

history; i watch a lot of expedition unknown and mysteries at the museum, and sometimes i’ll watch a free documentary on youtube if it catches my attention. last weekend i explained the donner party to my boyfriend. just.. on a whim. because i’d just watched a thing on it and he said he didn’t really know what it was. i’m that person.

OH I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THIS BACK AROUND TRUE CRIME BUT I READ A BOOK ABOUT H.H. HOLMES AND HIS MURDER CASTLE AND THE CHICAGO WORLD’S FAIR. it was by erik larson, i believe. larsen? i could google this. devil in the white city. there’s been talks to make it a movie. it’s a good read though i will admit i skipped a lot of the fair parts because i was there for the murder.

i also read a book about the lusitania by the same author and i was like ohhh my goooood what. it got a little boring sometimes, i had to push myself to keep going, but i would read dead wake again.

csi: miami reruns are the greatest thing don’t @ me

dark purple and black aesthetics

just like... witchy aesthetics. those colors and black cats

if you haven’t noticed by any selfies i’ve posted, i do have my lip pierced and i love finding new lip jewelry. i have a new opal stud in and i love its look

leather jackets

combat boots; i have a galaxy print pair and a pair with classic marvel comics stuff printed on the inside and you can fold down the sides to show it. they’re my faves.

owls

drunk history

the first 5 seasons of supernatural and i still have a soft spot for the winchesters and castiel

i’m slowly making my way through watching the librarians

i’m also making my way slowly through watching the magicians

(american) football

nature walks

going to the zoo

going to the aquarium

like really take me to either of the above and i will lose my shit

road trips

savannah, georgia

the smokey mountains

last august i drove by myself from ohio to boone, north carolina for a friend’s wedding and that wedding was smack on a mountain top and it was the coolest thing i think i’ve ever done

roller coasters BUT NOT EXTREME ONES baby steps ok

log rides tho, i don’t know why, i always love the water rides

ren faires!

cosplay, even though i’m not exactly active in it myself (but i want to be; one of my offline friends is an actually-getting-kind-of-internet-famous mei from overwatch cosplayer)

cards against humanity

foosball

pool but i suck at it

speaking of pools i love swimming ... but i suck at it, i just like boppin’ along in a pool

cookouts

summer

there is nothing like being out in the middle of nowhere in summer when the evening starts to fall and the sky is dark, dark blue and there’s a sea of shimmering lightning bugs out over a field. it’s beautiful. it’s peaceful.

there’s nothing like sitting outside on a calm spring night and listening to the spring peepers (they’re frogs) either.

if you couldn’t tell, i live in the middle of nowhere. i have to find enjoyment in the little things.

campfires

dancing around said campfire, you cannot have a campfire without good music. this is when a lot of my classic rock education came to pass.

elephants

my favorite books are the abhorsen trilogy by garth nix, tied with the serpent’s shadow by mercedes lackey

i am trying to get into comic books by way of the youtube channel comicstorian. they break comic books down for you and read them aloud with the images, altered slightly to avoid copyright strikes (and that’s all made very clear, it’s not done sketchily), and it’s been really easy for someone like me who doesn’t just have a comics store close (and i would otherwise continue on as i have been, forgetting to ever look for them on the internet). i listened to injustice 1 and 2, and they covered the game. i’m actively following scooby apocalypse, and there was some teen titans stuff i went all the way through up until now. i don’t think it’s finished yet from what i remember.

i love museums

candles

i actually kind of collect tea sets

i also have a collection of sand art bottles AND IF I’M EVER AT A FESTIVAL OR A FAIR WHERE THERE IS A SAND ART STAND YOU CAN BET I AM GOING TO MAKE ONE

yugioh duels; i’m definitely just a novice and it’s just a fun pastime my friends got me into when they found their giant binders of cards again

i’m not actually that big on pokemon, i don’t know a lot of them but it’s still fun and i know some. but i did love pokemon go when my friends still played it (don’t really have time anymore, and it kept crashing way too badly on one of their phones anymore anytime they tried to join a raid and it just wasn’t fun as a group then)

i don’t have any but i like the ~look of crystals and would like to have some, not for my own aesthetic but i just... like having pretty things!

listening to the rain

how the air smells (at least where i live) after a long rain and everything is just cleansed

depression has stopped me from writing for a long time but, in my heart, writing has always been something that has touched me ever since i knew how to do it and could put my stories down on paper instead of having to just talk about them... so i’m going to include that here

root beer floats

hotdogs

hard dip ice cream (if you don’t know what hard dip means... as my boyfriend didn’t... it means ice cream that you have to use a scoop with, not soft serve)

soft serve’s good too tho don’t get me wrong

strawberry milkshakes

this isn’t even stuff that anyone would need to know on this site to befriend me at this point, nobody’s gonna message me like HEY I READ YOU LIKE STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKES ME FUCKING TOO

you’re cool if you do that lmao

so bad they’re good creature features from the 50s and 60s

the old godzilla movies

i like the moon more than the stars, but i like them too

flower crowns

bouncy balls

original skittles

this has gone on way too long, nobody is reading this, your mom’s a hoe, goodnight

no she’s not, i’m sorry, if you got this far then i hope your mom is a nice person

[magaprima]

Part 1 Episode 2 Thoughts

The way Lilith suggests ‘hellfire’ to Sabrina, when talking about tackling Theo’s bullies, shows she is far too into that suggestion, so much so she actually has to catch and correct herself, stopping herself from smiling about it as much as she was. I mean, yes, she’s got to push Sabrina over the edge, to try and get her to sign the Book of the Beast, but Lilith seems so incredibly delighted that part of that process will involving tormenting and attacking some mortal boys, I mean that’s just a great bonus day at work for her. 

“Sometimes a little hellraising is precisely what’s needed to move the needed”

This is Lilith, yet again, inadvertently giving Sabrina pertinent advice that will be applied to future things that Lilith didn’t intend it to be applied to. Like hellraising is exactly what Sabrina does to move the Satanic needle, to challenge people about the Dark Lord, to challenge Blackwood, to determined tell Satan ‘Not today’. 

“Mind you, I wouldn’t take them on alone. Four against one. No, I’d even the odds...and enlist the baddest bitches you know to help”

This is a little bit of foreshadowing for defeating Satan. Everyone teams up together, they can’t take him on alone, so everyone partners up, including mortals. And the baddest bitches she enlists would be Lilith (ironically), Zelda and Hilda, which is a nice parallel, especially considering Michelle said how Lilith, Zelda and Hilda were once the Weird Sisters, they are now older, the other side of those experiences, but they’ve been there, and they’ve grown. 

Okay, so the whole scene with Mrs Meeks is just odd....on so many levels. The way she watches the woman before she announces herself, the arm trailing along the window, the way she comes forward, leaning over, it genuinely looks as if Lilith really doesn’t know how to human. It is perhaps a scene to remind us that this isn’t Ms Wardwell and Lilith is something entirely separate from everything else. She also seems unable to not flirt, she’s very flirty here and Mrs Meeks is bewildered and mildly overwhelmed and/or terrified (Lilith attempting to sound all concerned as she imagines Ms Wardwell would and instead just sounded bizarre seems to freak Mrs Meeks out more). 

When Mrs Meeks is rambling a bit and can’t decide which Aunt called, Lilith looks so bored and then literally widens her eyes in an attempt to look awake and attentive. And then she GRABS THE CANDY??? I just...of all the displays of dominance, Lilith, really? A handful of candy. And then, briefly, she looks as goofy as anything when saying Happy Halloween, before suddenly eating a candy like it’s the most sensual thing in the world and she’s planning to suck the life out of Mrs Meeks later on. The poor secretary is so freaking confused. I don’t know whether Lilith was confused about being around humans, whether this shows she really hasn’t been around mortal women in a long time and can’t make a normal ratio between attraction and normal basic interaction, or whether she just felt a little crazy that day. 

“I’ve failed you. I’ve failed you, Dark Lord. I deserve no mercy. Please, show me mercy”

As she says this, Lilith is on her knees and she is terrified. She is literally shivering with fright, and it all very much shows how much she is beaten down. It’s the first display of what we later realise is Lilith as a victim of abuse, and thousands of years of manipulations and toxic control. 

When she hears him arrive, she just freezes; her eyes widen, she is fucking terrified, frightened beyond belief, and this dynamic is so entirely different from the flashback we see where they lay together all peaceful and in love. 

The way she’s on her knees, but also partly up, her head inclined downwards, her hands slightly clawed in, held in front of her face, is the body language of someone who is used to being hit. She’s instinctively putting her hands up to protect herself as she waits to see what happens, what punishment she will get.

She is close to tears as she dares a look at him out of the corner of her eye and while she does this her hands are still in front of her face, she flinches when he walks nearer and then she turns her head even further down, fingers raking at her temple and cheek. She’s literally writing with fear, she’s so stressed and afraid, it’s as if she is about to tear at her own skin to escape it. 

You can’t see anything here but a victim of abuse, someone who is so confident and bold when on her own, but becomes a quivering mess of fear when one particular person merely enters a room is someone who is severely and constantly abused. 

Then the bastard puts his ugly hoof forward to silently order her to kiss it, but she still asks permission (which shows his level of control). She is given mental abuse here (belittling her, mocking her etc) rather than physical and she thanks him for it, because by his usual standards this is mercy, which says a lot about his typical treatment of her. 

“I’m not worthy of your love”

The statements of lack of worth, something we can presume she’s been told by him again and again due to him saying it to her in later episodes, is all about breaking a spirit. As she asks to kiss his ‘beautiful feet’ you see the flash of the truth there, her true feelings, as her eyes widen with fear as she says it, as she doesn’t think this of them, but is merely pandering to him to ensure he remains ‘merciful’. 

She seems to take strength from being physically spared, relishing no violent punishment is happening, and so she begins to regain her composure, a little of her confidence, but it is used to immediately give him promises and assurances. 

She looks so bored when she knocks on at the club, and we see she’s back to herself, no sign of the frightened mess we saw the previous night. It makes me wonder if her displays of boredom and couldn’t-care-less nature are about hiding her other emotions rather than her genuine feelings. 

Her feigning interest in what Sabrina is saying is hilarious, because she seems to be follow a How-to-Human guidebook: eyes wide, nod, squint, frown, eyes wide, nod again.  But her expression in the background when the speaker says Hawthorne wants to see Sabrina, shows that she knows it will be Satan and even looks a little disappointed by his direct involvement. 

[nautilusopus]

sorry this is a lot but I enjoy your opinions. G, P, U, W, X, Z

G - Have you ever had an OTP? If so, do you remember your first one? Who was in it?

Nah. I’m aggressively boring and uninvested in general in most romances so I usually just go with whatever’s canon and call it a day.

The closest thing I got to ever shipping in the past was being mildly surprised that people saw Link and Zelda as an item in Twilight Princess because they don’t really talk much in that game (they have maybe two conversations? Three if we count any presumed dialogue they might’ve had during the last boss battle when they’re on a horse together). I wouldn’t say I’m actually invested in it one way or another though. Link didn’t really have much of a personality until Wind Waker came along. 

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

FFXV AU where Noctis asks literally any questions at all about anything and interacts with the plot as an active participant in it instead of a copypasted emotional beat from FFX and thus doesn’t die at the end due to lazy writer caveat. (spoilers i guess) 

I am so so so so tempted to write this and the urge has been growing stronger over the last few weeks. I imagine fans of XV wouldn’t be too thrilled I’m writing fanfic specifically because I hate everything about XV, but y’all keep circulating posts about how writing fanfic to fix canon is totally valid!!! so I fully expect everyone to walk the walk after talking the talk. 

On another note, AU where Cloud never actually makes it to Midgar after Zack gets filled with lead, thus never meeting Tifa at and least screwing his head on semi-straight, and just wanders around in the wilderness as a weird amnesiac murderhobo in a perpetual fugue state. Hijinks ensue I guess.

Shit, I should write that. 

And now I have 48 fics queued. Look at what you’ve done. Are you proud of yourself?

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

alright let’s get the obvious one out of the way

Cloud because I used to fucking despise him and over time he really grew on me after I was exposed to his genuinely moving character arc and narrative that actively trampled every expectation I had about what it would be. Dumb asshole that unabashedly loves his friends, which is something that you rarely if ever see in other protagonists of his mould which is why it infurates me as much as it does when people (Square or the fanbase, it’s annoying either way) try to downplay it. That was one of the things that made him unique and compelling in the first place and you’re actively discarding it? Fuck you. 

It’s genuinely refreshing to see someone try as hard as they can and fail catastrophically in every possible respect, and then that’s just the result and he has to come terms with that pain as something shaping who he was instead of just learning a lesson and then getting over it. There are a lot of matter-of-fact moments like that with regards to loss and pain in VII but Cloud’s arc actually took one of said moments and made it extremely cathartic. 

I have a lot of fukken feelings about Cloud, man. That character analysis essay is officially four years old and the ETA on it is “whenever I guess”.

Azula from ATLA. I mean, I adore basically everyone in that series so I don’t even know which one I’d call my favourite, but I do think I ought to highlight Azula since a lot of who she is kinda gets overlooked. She’s like a family-friendly Eva character. 

It’s genuinely fascinating to watch her break down, and on a second rewatch you can sort of tell which beats fell into place where. Ironically, she considers Zuko the “favoured child”, and part of the reasons she utterly despises/loves/despises him as much as she does is because she tries to earn his approval in her own weird, sociopathic way. Then, when he inevitably bails, he not only rejects her, he goes and shacks up with even more people that consciously chose to love him, and for all her talent, after all her hard work, all she has is Ozai, who’s probably never loved anything in his life. The unfairness of it all. 

The breakdown she has at the end isn’t even anything new, really. It’s just the first time other people get to see it. 

Speaking of Eva, Shinji. DISCLAIMER: YES SHINJI MASTURBATED TO COMPLETION OVER ASUKA’S COMATOSE BODY IN A BLATANT DISPLAY OF NOT ONLY HIS GENERAL DISLIKE AND FEAR OF WOMEN BUT IN AN EXPRESSION OF HIS REFUSAL TO PROJECT AFFECTION ONTO PEOPLE BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN REJECT HIM, PREFERRING TO SEE ASUKA AS A PERSON-SHAPED OBJECT INSTEAD. THERE I HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED THE PROBLEMATIQUE ™ BIT NOW. CAN I LIKE THIS CHARACTER YET?

Shinji and Cloud have a lot of the same character arc, as I’ve mentioned probably more than a few times because I repeat myself a lot. Where Cloud is a more optimistic take on defining oneself on one’s own terms and as a result accepting that they can be someone worthy of love, Shinji’s side of that concept is waaaaaaaaaaay more cynical, in that Shinji kind of… doesn’t learn to do that in the end. Refuses to, in fact, to the point where it gets everyone killed. Also Kaworu is Zack if Zack actually had character development and if C//la/ck was actually canon. Where Cloud overcomes his fear of rejection by learning he is deserving of existence on his own merits, otherwise why would he have people that care about him in the first place, Shinji is crippled by it and spends most of the series screaming at anything that remotely resembles responsibility. For a guy that repeatedly tells himself “I mustn’t run away” his reaction to everything is almost exclusively to run away. 

Now, I’m not necessarily implying that if things had gone worse, Cloud might have masturbated to completion over Tifa’s comatose body, but like… I’m just saying.

(Though Aeris and Tifa were admittedly a lot more stable than poor Asuka or Rei ever were, as low of a bar as that may be.)

In case it wasn’t obvious, I clearly have a Type. And that type is a maladjusted child soldier screaming VALIDATE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE from the top of the lightpole they climbed up to avoid their feelings, and they all deserve a good hug and a firm shove down a flight of stairs or two, in either order. 

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

Love triangles. If I wanted to see a bunch of assholes do a bunch of petty bickering fueled by hormones and poor communication and pitting two people against one another for extremely asinine reasons, I’d lurk outside a high school. 

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.

Apart from the aforementioned Type ™ I have, people getting overwhelmed by gestures of basic human decency and the implications of that. 

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.)

God they did poor Luna so dirty. You could have replaced her with another fucking crystal or something and it would affect the plot about as much. Man, didn’t the selling point for FF used to be its rich, inventive storytelling? 

Come the fuck on, Square, you had female characters figured out in fucking 1992. This isn’t hard. 

[fibrielsolaer]

Smash Ultimate tier list based entirely on which characters I like and which I hate

BSP = Big Sexy Personality

FBNIS = Fun, But Not In Smash

MPATBUD = Mario Princesses Are Terrifying Blow-Up Dolls

S Tier

Kirby: absolutely the man, if you don’t love Kirby you’re probably the asshole who got this roster flooded with Marth World pricks

Pikachu: He quicc. He thicc. He’ll Thunderbolt you to hicc

Except it’s a she because I only ever play Librechu ;p

Bowser: BSP

Zelda: She is so cute, I can finally stand playing as her

Pichu: He is so cute, it almost makes up for how stupid he is

Ganondorf: He’s finally fucking cool. He uses the goddamn sword now

Lucario: What if Mewtwo was a Shaolin monk hunk

I only play purple Lucario for reasons you’re best not knowing

Toon Link: He’s the cartoon that Link and Young Link watched and modeled themselves on

Ridley: HOLY SHIT IT FEELS AWESOME TO PLAY RIDLEY

I love how the game designers know he’s way too small so when you fight him in Classic Mode as Samus he gets Giant modifier

K. Rool: BSP

Piranha Plant: The pain from the pipes, this disrespectful piece of shit is so stupid he wraps around to greatness, with his inclusion I’ve changed my mind and now say fuck it, add Bandana Waddle Dee, hell add a regular Waddle Dee if you want, I don’t even care anymore

A Tier

Luigi: Few people know that he and Mario are actually identical twins, his brother merely wears a fat suit (the weight of which has crushed his spine) so they can be told apart

Ness: I like the picture you get when you play for 20 hours

C. Falcon: This is the guy who beats up Incineroar. As the positive icon of the people he never shows any emotion except for “YUS!” and “SHOW ME”. All Might was probably based on this jackass

Jigglypuff: Like so many other Pokemon, its adorable facade is a veneer for an expansive and unfathomable eldritch demon. The difference is, despite how fucking many Pokemon like that there are, nobody has found Jigglypuff’s secret and lived to tell

Young Link: He’s actually Link’s son, who idolizes his father and wants to follow in his footsteps. His dad has strayed from the path but young blood here carries on the true faith. Also, FBNIS

Mewtwo: He was the original Damn Cool Pokemon. He jockeys with Lucario for that role now but all they ever do is sit there charging their neutral Bs talking about how the planet will explode in 5 minutes

Roy: He knows that the Marth World infestation is soon to be purged, because there are like five actual Marths including him, so he decided to become the best Marth World character so he alone will survive

Pit: The only cunt from his series besides Dark Pit who had the decency not to change voice and try to pretend it was the same fucking one. I never play as him ever but Sakurai sure cared more about making him fresh & fun post-Uprising than any of his other goddamn characters

Charizard: BSP

Dedede: BSP

Bowser Jr.: This rude little shit is the guy who you invite to a party and he brings his whole crew, excuse me no I didn’t invite Wendy and Horton and Lenny and all these bitches, but fuck it y’all cool

Simon: I like his funny walk and he looks like Conan the Barbarian

Richter: I like his funny walk and he looks like a dork

Isabelle: Do you know this literal bitch killed me with a fucking stop sign 3 times before I unlocked her, why isn’t that a reaction macro

Incineroar: He pretends to be a bad guy so that kids’ heroes will beat him up on TV and they will be happy. He is so sweet

B Tier (Everyone Is Meh)

Mario: Meh

Donkey Kong: Meh

Link: The dad who strayed from the path, I really don’t like the Breath of the Wild Link, FBNIS

Fox: Meh

Sheik: Meh

Dr. Meh: Mario

Falco: Hands off my meh

Mehrth: He’s kinda cool but Roy is way cooler

Mr. Game & Watch: What an annoying asshole

Wario: It’s not the cool Wario, it’s the stupid Wario Ware one, and he brings all his obnoxious waifu friends with him. It’s Wario after he retired from his teen Youtube star days at the age of 30 and he’s trying to stay young and cool-looking but his stoner friends keep fucking it up

Solid Snake: Meh, too indirect for me, FBNIS

Squirtle: Meh-est of the Pokemon Trainer trio, he just doesn’t provoke like any reaction from me at all unlike the other two

Diddy Kong: Meh

Olimeh: This is the most boring goddamn character, everything you do you have to pluck fucks

ROB: He barely animates

Villager: I kinda wish Animal Crossing let you be an animal too. The lone human character is really boring

Mega Meh: You got: FBNIS

Little Meh: I dunno I’ve just barely ever played him

Mehninja: Maybe I should actually try playing it once ever

Duck Hunt: If there was a B-and-a-half tier I’d put this one there because you can delay the side-B and set up Snake-level GOTCHA combos, otherwise the novelty wears off fast

Ryu: He is the 2nd-least likeable guy, what a turbo douche

Bayomehtta: She’s rule 63 Dante, her game was always just a DMC ripoff that relied on her tits & ass to differentiate from it

Inkling: I like the yellow hair girl one but I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE CRINGY-ASS ASSIST TROPHY AND WILL ABSOLUTELY UNFAIRLY BLAME THE CHARACTER FOR THIS.

C Tier

Samus: She is the most FBNIS character

Ice Climber: They’re really un-cute and I hate their desync thing

Metaknight: This guy was so much cooler before he talked, or rather, before he screamed AYAYGYGYAYGYAGA

Ike: Marth World has like 2,000 characters ranging from pegasus knights to barbarians to psychic dragon-girl dancers, and yet we keep getting these boring fucking swordsmen

Pokemon Trainer: Get absolutely the fuck out you twerp you don’t even do a goddamn thing and you die the second any one of your THREE fighters is KO’d so you don’t even incorporate the actual spirit of your original character unlike literally everybody else

Venusaur: If I evolved this ugly fucker I would delete my save

Lucas: If I had an Absolutely Gone Machine that could erase anything in the world and delete everyone’s memory that it ever existed so they would shut the fuck up about it, Mother 3 would be precisely the fourth thing I deleted

Robin: Least shitty post-Melee Marth World character but I just haven’t bothered to try it out to see if it’s actually good or not, probably because I’m just too allergic to Marth World by now

Dark Samus: Cool, but why

Daisy: MPATBUD, but this one has the closest thing to a personality. Unfortunately it is a fucking terrible and horrific personality

Zero Suit Samus: hey cool Samus is Barbie now

Ken: Remember how I said Ryu was the 2nd-least likeable? Well here’s Liquid Ryu to seize the coveted spot

Cloud: Yeah hey, let’s take the one Final Fantasy protagonist with like the least connection to Nintendo, no it’s fine, every goddamn Marth World game except the one that justified its worldwide presence has a character in but we’re not gonna use Cecil or Buttz or Terra

Corrin: Any hope this bitch had to go on my “Is a dragon so I like it” list was ruined by how absolutely infuriating it is to fight against Corrin especially that one Spirit match where he spams his INSTANT FINAL SMASH THAT HAS LIKE AN INFINITELY VERTICAL HITBOX fuck this goddamn digimon

D tier

Yoshi: I’ve hated this thing ever since it stopped going BAWONKA WONKA and started going blblblblblbl

add Birdo as an Echo and I might forgive you

Peach: MPATBUD, Peach is usually able to manifest either the behavior of a real person (Paper Mario) or the appearance of one (Smash), but sadly never both, she is doomed to blow-up-dollery forevermore

Sonic: Please add any other Sonic character, any at all, I’ll even take Charmy, I fucking hate Blue Bubsy

Wolf: The only reason he is not the furry-trashiest character in Smash is because Krystal is an AT, this cocksucker deadass awoos

Wii Fit Trainer: Next to her, Mario Princesses almost look human

Rozzalinda: MPATBUD and this one is the worst, far and away the worst Mario Princess, she is the creepiest fucking woman. WHY IS IT THAT NOBODY IN MARIO ACTS LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING BEING EXCEPT THE CHARACTERS WHO AREN’T FUCKING HUMAN. tl;dr the only people who say rosalina is their waifu collect people’s faces

Mii Fighters: you dress them up to make a parody of a character and then never once actually use said parody because they are stupid

Palutena: remember in Uprising how they could make fake Palutenas, this is one of them, they have a fake Viridi too, you know it is because starting in smash 4 it is clearly two different actresses trying way too hard to sound like the old ones and i can’t get over it sorry. (also she plays like shit)

Pac-Man: I only liked him when he was a pizza

Shulk: does he ever shut the fuck up

Lucina: add a red nose and it’s Marth: Tumblr Edition

Chrom: oh fuck off

Robin’s bitchass final smash still calls this clown

even if you use it on Chrom

he is so ashamed of his audacity he fucking fucks himself

[villxinoux]

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍

— 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒

(𝐏𝐄𝐍)𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄: lavendel .

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐒: she / they .

𝐙𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐂: sagittarius / gemini / gemini .

𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐋𝐄 / 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐍: taken .

— 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒

𝐢. after finishing my four year education to become a sign language interpreter i have only worked as an interpreter for a little over a year. after that i’ve used my expertise in sign language to work socially with people with disabilities, children, etc. currently i am working at kindergarten with deaf children & i’ve never had so much fun before. 

𝐢𝐢. my living situation is three adults & six animals in a 2-room apartment ksksksk. however, in the middle of december the whole chosen family is going to move to a big house that we’re going to be renting on the countryside!! my houseshold is me, my fiancée, our best friend, two cats ( zelda & smilla ), a dog ( elsa ), a hamster ( nugget ), a turtle ( garnet ) & a snake ( cornelis ). 

𝐢𝐢𝐢. i am a practicing pagan / witch. after escaping a very toxic religious household i found myself in practicing magic, rituals, manifestation, divination, wellness & kindness. i don’t talk about my practice a lot because it is very personal & dear to me, but it’s been a big part of my well-being for the past three years & something that can reflect a lot in my magic-aligned muses that i write.

— 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

    chaotic gremlins!! i find that while i love all kinds of muses, those with an attitude, a strong personality, chaotic nature and/or a quick mouth are definitely the most dominant & the ones i tend to keep writing no matter the weather. this goes both for tumblr rp & tabletop rp. the characters that keep things fun, that are unpredictable & a little stupid, are the ones that make me happy to write.

— 𝐒𝐔𝐁-𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄𝐒

𝐅𝐋𝐔𝐅𝐅: fluff so leathal come & die with it, call that fluff therapy come cry in it, fluff like water you could slide in it, fluff like a bird come & fly in it, fluff like a rollercoaster come & ride in it. no srsly, i LOVE fluff. i am a depressed, anxious human who find comfort in my hobbies & when characters are happy i am happy. 

𝐒𝐌𝐔𝐓: i like everything surrounding smut, but i am a little bored of writing the smash itself. the way characters interact in flirting, foreplay, aftercare, dirty talk, everything is just so fun to explore & it is such a great way to expand chemistry. however, when it comes to smash i have written it so much in the past that now at twenty-four i am just bored of it. 

𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐒𝐓: i adore angst, but what makes me different from other muns is that i literally cannot sleep if i don’t know that angst is going to have a resolution LMAO. i am too much of an empath for unresolved endings & will cry. i love suffering with just a little patch-up at the end so i know that babies (muses) will be okay,,,

— 𝐏𝐋𝐎𝐓𝐒 𝐯𝐬. 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒

     honestly while i love both, memes tend to be more fun? spontaneous writing that can lead to anything, muses just going wild & doing whatever they feel like doing, for me that’s where the magic usually happens. theads based on memes can become long, intricate & character-developing just as plotted threads can. however, deciding on a setting/meeting & going from there can also make it easier for characters to thrive in their natural envoirment & not in a forced one. literally they can both go either way? idk man you tell me.

[vomiting-out-words]

Twilight Princess [Maybe to Be Continued?]

Session One - May 29th, 2018

Ordon Village, The Twilight, Faron Woods(Twilight), Forest Temple, Kakariko Village(Twilight), Death Mountain, Goron Mines, Lanayru Province (Twilight)

Information Trash -

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is the thirteenth installment of the Zelda series. The game was originally going to be released on the GameCube in 2005 but ended up getting released the following year with the release of the Nintendo Wii in 2006; only the be released on the GameCube a month later. Ten years later; it was released in a high-definition version on the Nintendo Wii U, with the GameCube control style. Nearly nine million copies of the game were sold before Breath of the Wild had taken the title of best-selling title in a series in April 2018.

Session One - Session Two - Session Three - Session Four

Let’s Get Down to The Dirty -

Ever since the Christmas of 2010; when the Limited Edition Red Wii came out with Super Mario Bros., we also got it Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Since then; every year I seemed to spend a couple of days playing the game over again, and to see how long it takes for me to get through it. So, I am back at it again this year, and and I finally agree that I shall write a review for it because it seems like a good one to do the first review with. Not to mention it was the first Zelda game that I actually played from start to finish by myself.

So, I started the game up, since I was babysitting my younger sister who had injured herself over the weekend and couldn’t really go to school. It’s been awhile playing on the Wii because I’ve been playing like Stardew Valley and other things on the PS4 and computer so it was really weird to be swinging my arms around, but it was a good workout.

Twilight Princess takes place hundreds of years after Ocarina of Time; within an alternate timeline from The Wind Waker, which leads the game to be in the Child Timeline. But I am not even going to get into the Zelda timeline because that is a can of crap that I don’t want to even get into right now, but maybe later. You; the player, plays as the recurring protagonist; Link. A young Hylian male who is once again trying to save Hyrule from the threat of the mirror realm; the Twilight Realm. A very original idea, Nintendo, but it seems like you pretty much reused it for Link Between Worlds.

Like pretty much every other Zelda game; Link lives in a small village, with some very average life; and somehow knows how to wield a sword; among many other things; with or without and explanation on how he learned such things. Thank god it’s kind of assumed on how he learned it in this game. Ordon Village is as far south as you can get in Hyrule, and far enough away from Hyrule Castle that Link has never really been exposed to a whole lot of Hyrule. Not to mention he’s like the other able person to protect the village from dangers while working his day job as a rancher on a goat farm passed the mayor’s house. So, as the player; you get like 10-20 minutes into the game doing really boring shit; like herding goats, having to make children happy by spending your own money, then going off to save said children because apparently they don’t listen, but when do children ever do, before having to try and get your horse back from Link’s love interest; while during that scene of getting Epona back, that’s where all the shit goes wrong.  Literally; they pretty much put in a love interest for Link in every game, and the love interest is barely apart of the story and is never mentioned ever again. So, Nintendo is really trying for romance, but they are putting so much pointless crap that doesn’t need to be there. Which isn’t the shit that blows up in their face. 

So, Bulblins come brushing into Ordon Spring; knocking out both Ilia and Link, and somehow getting only four children of the village; Beth, Talo, Malo, and Colin. Though how Beth, Talo, and Malo got taken is literally unknown to the player considering it was only Link, Ilia, and Colin at the Ordon Spring with Epona. Anyways, Link gets dragged through a dark wall that splits the Ordon Province from the Faron Province; being brought into the Realm of Twilight, which should have made him into a spirit that literally has no idea what is going on, but surprise, surprise, the Triforce of Courage influences Link by transforming him into a “beast” wolf. Now, Ordon is perfectly fine thanks to the Ordon Province Light Spirit; Ordona. How that Light Spirit is stronger than all the others is beyond me even.

Skip to Link waking up chained up in a prison. He’s more surprised then freaked out about what has happened to him; which makes this boy pretty laid back, more so than most people, which is very odd because anyone in Link’s situation would be having a clear heart attack or something. A few moments pass and here comes an imp-like chick; Minda. Who literally taunts Link until finally setting him free, only to really make him her minion. With Midna’s instructions; he takes her to someone to explain to him what in the world is going on. While the player already knows where Link is, and who he is going to meet; until right before he gets to meet the person; Midna tells him that they’re at Hyrule Castle. Literally pulling something out of a Disney Guide, Link breaks into a tower and goes into a room at the top to meet no other than Zelda. While Nintendo spent so much time building up this very scene, it was very anticlimactic all around. Link and Midna ditch Hyrule Castle as soon as the cutscene is done and with Minda’s little ability, they are taken to Ordon Province, right at the Ordon Spring where Link finally gets to talk to Ordona; telling him what he needs to do now.

Midna instructs Link that they need a sword and shield first before they head off to the Faron Province; meaning Link heads back to Ordon Village; due to the fact that the player knows that there’s, in fact, a sword and shield there. While doing some sneaking around to get these things; Link finds out that the children have been kidnapped as well; along with Colin’s father; Rusl, being injured while going to look for the children. Pretty much getting the things, Link heads to the border of the Ordon Province and Faron Province and goes through the wall once again to be brought back to the Realm of Twilight, only to pretty much to almost get his head chopped off by Midna; who has no clue how to wield and sword and shield or at least the shield bit. Link should have died much earlier than this by now, but he’s the hero of course; and he can’t die because he’s got the Triforce of Courage, that he had no clue about until Zelda told him.

The player pretty much heads straight for the Faron Spring, where you see a cloud of glowing dust over the water before meeting the Light Spirit; Faron, who asks Link to go find the Tears of Light to restore the Spirit from this state. These Tears of Light are being held by- I am literally just going to call them fireflies, but just deadlier and huge assholes. Once that is finished, Link is brought back to Faron Spring and changed back into a human; but in the Green Tunic of the Hero; the typical Link uniform. Faron points you in the direction of where you need to find what you are looking for, which Link has no clue since Midna literally doesn’t give out that information just yet about what they are looking for.

Welcome to your first dungeon; the famous Forest Temple. Which is pretty much the actual tutorial of the game. Since before; that was all really grunt work, and nothing was really other than just running around doing tasks, which is the game has a lot of if you’re willing to spend like a day in enjoy area getting everything. Something that I never do when I play this every year. Pretty much, the entire task of this dungeon is to collect monkey’s, that the game makes you think are assholes; but Talo is just an animal racist. The dungeon holds two mini-boss’ and one main boss; all of which are super easy, seeing as this is the tutorial. The item that you get from this dungeon is from the first mini-boss which is the King of the Monkey’s, you see him when you first get to the temple, he smacks his ass at you. The Gale Boomerang is something that you do use pretty much throughout the entire game; and of course, plays a huge part of the dungeon. The second mini-boss is right before the boss key, and is a pushover compared to the battle before it; thanks to the Gale Boomerang. Finally, you go to the boss.

Diababa is some weird looking creature that is in poison water. The thing is just terrible. With the Gale Boomerang and help from the Monkey King, you beat the boss with the legendary three hits rule and that entire dungeon takes about fifteen minutes tops; maybe twenty if it’s your first time through it. You get your heart piece along with a Fused Shadows, a piece of it, considering it’s been broken up into four pieces, Midna has one of them on her head. You learn a little bit more of it; that with they hold an ancient power that could help them fight Zant; the King of Twilight that started this entire mess. But they are across Hyrule and they need to find them.

With Faron Woods done and dealt with, it is time to head to the Eldin, after Faron tells Link that he’ll find the people that he is looking for. So, with that, they head off and entire the Realm of Twilight once again. On their way, Link finds a broke wooden sword; his old wooden sword that he had given to Talo. Sniffing it gives Link the scent of the children leading them to Kakariko Village, where Link meets the Light Spirit; Eldin, who also needs Link to gather it’s lost Tears of Light. While on the hunt; Link comes across spirits and finds that it’s the children, but no Ilia. Who is not mentioned, literally, you seriously don’t hear anything about Ilia for a while, or does anyone make mention of her.

While the rest of the children are scared, the only person who really is calm is Colin; who tells the others that Link is coming to save them, he knows it. Link is obviously touched by this, because he’s right there listening, and it kind of motivates the player to continue of this task just because of the sake for Colin. Collect the light, and once back as Link, the children see him and come running, all so happy to see them. Renado; the shaman of the village, who has been taking care of the children with his daughter; Luda, fills Link in on what has been happening. The Gorons’ had a sudden change in behavior and that Death Mountain seems very different. Link attempts to head up to check it out, but gets knocked back down, when returning to the village, Link runs into Renado; who tells him that the mayor of Ordon Village; Bo, has challenged the Gorons’ before and won, earning their respect. But right before Link starts to head back to Ordon Village, Epona comes rushing down the road from the other way and Link is finally back together with his horse, making the trip back to Ordon much easier and quicker.

Link learns how to sumo fight, which is pretty cool to bring Japanese culture into the game, but it is a Japanese game, but that’s beside the point. Once after defeating the mayor during the second round, he deems you right to fight, while giving you a little gift of the Iron Boots, to keep Link on his feet. Return to Death Mountain and start the climb to the top. While there, the mountain is erupting like crazy, making it pretty hard to dodge falling rocks and keep from getting knocked down by Gorons’. Finally to the top, Link ends up getting challenged by Elder Gor Coron. Once through that fight, then you learn of what is going on. The Gorons’ have been keeping watch over the Fused Shadows piece for generations now, and with the mountain acting up, they went to investigate, which lead to the Goron Tribe Patriarch; Darbus to be cursed and go on a rampage, so they locked him up deep in the mines.

Now with access to the Goron Mines; the player heads down to the second dungeon of the entire game. Which is literally just fire and lava everywhere. How Gorons’ mine from this, is literally a mystery because there are millions of safety concerns that they don’t seem to be bothered about at all. With this boss key, you have to go and find the other Goron Elders that are all holding a piece of the key. Along the way, you use the Iron Boots, and obtain the Bow and Arrows with a mini-boss fight with this huge Goron that is protecting the item is of the previous hero. With both, the player spends the rest of the dungeon with those items collecting the key pieces from Gor Amoto, Gor Ebizo, and Gor Liggs. Finally with the key put back together you go down to fight Darbus, who has been transformed into the Twilit Igniter Fyrus. This boss has to be one of the easiest out of the entire game, considering it’s just making him fall and go whack his head. The Forest Temple boss was easy as well, just more time-consuming.

With that out of the way, pick up Bombs first before heading to the Lanayru Province. Trying to get to the spring is a bit of hassle considering the player has to jump off a bridge because there is a time limit before Link is burned alive thanks to asshole enemies. Jumping down towards Lake Hylia and realizing that there is practically no water, but thankfully landing into the water that is left is a god sent. Link kind of wanders around until finally figuring out how to get to the spring and start on collecting to Tears of Light for Lanayru. While this takes you to Castle Town because Link finds Ilia’s leg pouch and followed the scent back to a bar, where she is seen worrying over a Zora boy.

Quick backstory on this boy; he’s actually the Zora Prince, who was coming to the castle to tell Zelda about what has happened in Zora’s Domain since they were attacked by evil people as well. You meet this Prince’s mother after you help Eldin; telling you that her son is out there and if Link could please find him seeing as she was publicly killed in front of all the Zora’s.

Now, after that little moment, Link heads up to Zora’s Domain, where it is freezing for some reason. Going further up, and still not seeing at Zora’s, they reach the throne room where they look down to see that all the Zora’s are trapped in ice. Midna warps something from Death Mountain that had fallen on your way up there to deal with the Fused Shadows. Freeing the Zora’s just in time too, because they probably would have died. Noticing that there is a mark missing, before it magically pops up on the map back at the lake, getting back down there quickly thanks to the fast current of water after defrosting the Domain. Que boss music; literally to close off this segment of the game; you fight this huge, gross bug and finally finish collecting Tears of Light, that you never have to do again for the rest of the game.

Link learns about the Fused Shadows from Lanayru, stuff that Midna would never tell him due to mainly being ashamed of her past, of her tribe, but she doesn’t really mention it until much later in the game, but she does hint at it a little bit after each time finishing a dungeon.

With that done, Link has to head back to Kakariko Village to go sell his bombs to get water bombs or the player can figure out how to get more bomb bags, though personally you only really need two since, in the entire game, you really only need regular bombs and water bombs. Then return to Castle Town to reunite with Ilia… Who has no clue who you are and is very worried about the Zora boy; which brings Link to escort Telma; the bar owner, Ilia and the Zora Prince. This had to be one of the worst things to do besides collecting all the Tears of Light. I was more than glad that it was only once that I had to do this because you had to focus on some many things to do that it was overwhelming and you want to throw your controls at the tv. After that mess was dealt with, you get the Zora Armor as thanks.

With this, Link can finally head to the Lakebed Temple and get the final Fused Shadows.

But this was where I decided to end the first session considering was I just relaxed with just having those parts behind considering I knew that I was about to be in store for a lot more hurt when I picked the game back up again the next day, which doesn’t help with jerky controls, but then again, the batteries were dying in the Wii remote, so that was partly at fault.

[echo-espresso]

small little life update:

I don’t know if anyone will pay attention to this, or if anyone who is still an active follower even knows me IRL or CARES but whatever im happy and I don’t have too many outlets for all this good shit in my life

I moved in April, away from an abusive man and to a new city that felt just safe enough, and just new enough. I hid where I was going from him. He doesn’t know, not to my knowledge anyways. I started work at Starbucks, a company I’ve had experience with since I was 17. A real corporate starbucks this time, I’m a partner, with the free bag of coffee a week and free drinks and food, it’s a nice deal. I was thrilled on this new adventure, everyone at the store was so warm and welcoming, I found comradere with the closing staff most of all. It was a nice environment, we all bonded over weed and nerdy things, bullshit customers and relationship problems.

 And there was a ~boy~. JM. Okay, not boy. Man, full grown human man ten years my senior with blue hair and a zelda beanie and who was the most helpful and patient with me. I work in a rough part of the city. When I tell family and friends where my location is, their eyes widen. One of the best part of being a closer is that my closing crew takes no shit. They all made me feel incredibly safe, especially this ~JM~. I started getting excited when I saw him on the schedule with me. He was brand new, a far stretch from my normal type. Friendly and outgoing and incredibly smart and had this crazy cool life experiences. Protective in a very casual way, offering to walk me to my car when I’d clock out and nervously look at the dark parking lot. He casually called me beautiful, and everytime we’d work together, we’d end up just finding dozens and dozens of things in common, from weird personality traits, bad habits, our cat obsession. We ended up texting constantly, sharing music and bad relationship stories. I knew immediatley I would end up close to this JM person in some capacity. 

Aside from work, my life outside of it was awkward. I didn’t know many people here, aside from one close friend. I spent most off days in my apartment binge watching netflix, too broke to do much else. Every day I worked though I looked forward to it. People at work liked me, I was new but I knew plenty already, could bar with confidence and speed, had all of the product knowledge stored in my head to help customers. I was fast, always found something to do. 

JM opened up to me about his life. He’s a writer, like me, and was sharing pieces he’d written late in the night. At work, JM sung a lot, mostly doing dishes, mostly to himself. He told me it was to block out the bad memories. JM toured in Iraq with the US Navy, he was a medic. He likely has severe PTSD. He told me he sings to drown out the thoughts, that he sometimes forgets where he is, even at work. The singing annoyed some coworkers. After he told me that, it just worried me. I’d go to the back to make sure he was okay, which he seemed touched by. The pieces he wrote were haunting pictures of life during war. The violence he saw, participated in, and experienced is like nothing I could imagine. He shared stories with me he hadn’t told any other person. I did the same. He was a vault, a secret keeper, and so was I. We lived in eachother’s confidence, and found an inexplicable incredible amount of trust with one another. We both bore our own scars of trauma. 

The moment I decided he was special was when he told me a story about him in the Navy. One of my best friends growing up, Taylor, was also in the Navy. In 2015, my friend Taylor jumped off the boat she was stationed on. I cried for weeks. JM told me, not knowing about her, that he’d planned to do that same thing, years ago, standing on the side of the boat in the middle of the night. Something convinced him not to. 

He started cooking for me, bringing me food to eat on my lunch. When he got a horrible head cold, I brought him pho and nyquil. We started taking care of eachother, because nobody had taken care of us in a while. 

It was evident he was interested in me. My friend Julie met him and as soon as we left she told me “he is in love with you Abbi. Like full blown in love with you.” And despite my best efforts to remain professional, I couldn’t stop what was happening. At one point in the back room he was helping me grab something on a top shelf, and touched the small of my back, and my whole body went numb. I’d catch myself staring at him, memorizing his mannerisms. I’d notice the curve of his collar bone, the bulk in his arms. At one point in the back room the bottom of his shirt lifted and he had taught stomach muscles that made me turn bright red. Whenever I’d walk on a shift he’d yell “YAS” with such genuine glee. I started hanging out at his apartment, his roommate also works with us. We went to middle of the night carne asada fries, he gave me weed, we watched movies on his couch. He finally told me he planned to pursue me. I finally told him he needed to be patient. So he was. 

One night, he texted me that he needed me to come over. He couldn’t be alone, and his roommate was working late. He was shaky, tearful. Work had been bad, he’d snapped at a supervisor. The triggers had been getting more numerous. I listened to him on his porch, rubbing his back while he chain smoked cigarettes. He calmed eventually, I offered to take him to get food. After he was calm, he wouldn’t stop thanking me, telling me I was amazing. A few more days passed.

I’d had a bad day, one day, early summer. We were sitting on his couch, his arm around me pretty casual. It was me that broke the rule, that kissed him first. I was pretty forward, once I want someone I really want them. I asked him if I could stay over. He didn’t push sex on me, in fact we just slept in the same bed, his arms around me. But it was the best I’d slept in years, despite his apartment being 90 degrees. 

JM and I went to yosemite that day. We smoked weed on the drive up, listened to music with the windows down. Sat underneath the giant trees. The best part about he and I is we talk so easily. There’s never an awkward pause, just a constant cadence of conversation and joking. 

We joke now, 4 months later, that JM came over to my apartment and never left. He is my constant, my surprise addition to my life here. Nobody takes better care of me. He helps me with my bills, he is inexplicably not grossed out by most things. I wake up every morning to him telling me how beautiful I am. It’s literally the first thing he says to me, everyday. We cook for eachother, we explore the world around us. We never have a dull moment when we’re together, we make every day amazing even on our brokest, saddest days. It’s the first time I’ve had a relationship where there’s a realistic future. Which terrifies me. He makes everything so easy. I had a different picture for my life when I moved here, but this version is so much better. 

TL: DR???? 

IDK. I’m happy and in love and that’s the story.

[destiny-smasher]

E3 2017 predictions/hopes

Feeling more exhausted than usual around this time of year, but...here’s some of my thoughts going into E3.

Microsoft:

Microsoft is the one I’m least invested in, and they have the most room to take people by surprise and prove themselves. I don’t follow XBox news close enough to really have any good predictions. For the sake of competition, though, I certainly hope they bring something good to the table. Seems like all of their big efforts the past couple years have sorta flopped when contrasted by Sony’s work.

I anticipate Microsoft will try to shove some kind of tech in there no one’s really interested in -- maybe VR or stuff like that Minecraft thing from...last year? I don’t even remember. They’re in a tricky spot where they’re doing well enough because they can spread sales from PC, but, like...what can they do to really draw people in from the Sony vortex? At the very least, they can make their fans feel like their loyalty is being rewarded.

Sony:

Sony’s been kind of rocking the console game, seeming to get more momentum with each passing year since the PS4 released. They’ve revealed a lot of big hitting games over the past year, and I was honestly surprised with the God of War reveal being such an extended gameplay demo.

This year, I expect they’ll take some time to highlight some more refreshing indies, like usual, probably remind us of what’s coming up on the summer horizon. Usually we get one or two brand new indies in there, but they rarely ever focus long enough on any to really let them shine -- they expect you to follow up on your own time with those.

We’ve barely seen Detroit: Become Human, but if it’s going well, now’s kind of the time to really blow the lid off. Show us what will differentiate it from its spiritual predecessors. Give us a release date.

Death Stranding? I certainly hope it’s gonna be there. We haven’t seen any gameplay yet. Get on those shit. We know it’s gonna be trippy as balls, but what will it PLAY LIKE, or are all you big boys just strutting your stuff so hard you hope that’ll carry it?

God of War is sure to show up again, too, though I’m not sure in what capacity. Maybe a more cinematic trailer revealing more of the story? Maybe gameplay that is totally different in someway from last year’s demo? Maybe something that more directly shows the tie between the older games and this one? Hard to say what they could show that would really impress, though slapping us with a 2017 release date would certainly be pleasant. Kratos was such a boring character past GoW1.

It was very nice to see his character so different last year in the reveal, but what direction is it going in? Are we gonna control the kid after Kratos dies, or something? And if so, how would that maintain that without it feeling like something that’s been done before?

Last of Us Part 2 will probably be the show-stealer if it has a meaty gameplay demo, unless there’s just some bonkers high-profile secret reveal. It would really knock it out of the park if we got a gameplay demo and then a brief cinematic trailer to really hype it up, but they might not be quite that far into dev yet. I expect Naughty Dog will also give us one more trailer for the Lost Legacy to remind us how it’s coming out soon. There is a chance, though, that LoU2 isn’t far enough along for a big reveal, but if that’s the case, I wonder why they revealed it the way they did when they did.

I can’t help but figure Sony will have some kind of cool demo-drop next week. Maybe Death Stranding? Gotta love those E3 demo stealth drops. Probably some bigger thirdy part exclusivity thing, whether it’s DLC for a big game or some kind of timed-exclusive release.

Part of me thinks Sony might go a little lax this year with how good they’ve got it, but if they’re smart, they’ll keep that pressure up, even if it means teasing and announcing things a bit too early. E3 is the place to do that, if only to make yourself look good.

When I try to think of what big reveal Sony could pull that would make sense, I...can’t really think of one.

They’ll probably try to shill more VR stuff, maybe during the indie sequence? VR is cool but it’s just too expensive an investment for the average consumer at this point. Maybe they’ll announce a PS4 Pro w/VR bundle for the holiday to try and help remedy that.

Nintendo:

Nintendo is always in quite an unfair position when it comes to these things, as more than any other company, they’re expected to deliver on rumors that are often made up just because they...make sense. Nintendo has too many franchises to juggle, which they haven’t been doing a great job with lately, which sets up those unrealistic hype trains to get derailed. Just this week, everyone’s expectations of Sun/Moon on Switch were callously dashed, despite what a seemingly obvious decision it seemed like. Before that, the Smash Bros. on Switch fake leak once again felt like “Oh, duh, this makes so much sense and would be such a smart decision” -- only to be fake.

Add on top of this Nintendo’s mum on Virtual Console, voice chat, online services, and all of these 3DS announcements, and a lot of folks are frustrated and bummed over them not delivering on things they’ve never promised. And do I need to remind about the supply issues with NES Classic and Switch? It’s all a bad spot to be in that makes them look weirdly stingy.

The “Rabbids x Mario” game leak probably hasn’t helped things, because it’s such a “WTF why?” that if there’s no follow-through that shows they’re listening to their hardcore fans, it’ll come across as a bizarre business decision (when really, I bet it’s more Ubisoft wanting to cash in on their relationship with Nintendo).

The Switch has some great momentum, but symptoms of Nintendo’s recurring tone-deaf choices linger. They have a lot of room to build on the momentum for the Switch, and I think they really should lower focus on 3DS -- they need to keep that ship sailing, of course -- and double-down on Switch announcements. It feels like we already know basically what to expect of them for the rest of the year, and I really hope that’s not the case. They’ve got a lot of great first party stuff for a launch year, but where’s the DLC games, the indies, Virtual Console, online functionalities? There’s gotta be some surprises in there despite the leaks, I just wonder if they will resonate with that core gamer base the Switch has quickly found.

What is Retro Studios working on? Where is Metroid? Are we finally going to get a new entry in some of the neglected series everyone keeps harping on? Or is it just more Mario, Zelda, Pokemon, and Kirby for the next year? Where the fuck is Virtual Console?

I’m sure we’ll get a more detailed look at the first batch of Breath of the Wild DLC for the summer, but this would be a great place to drop a trailer for the new story content coming in the winter.

Personal hopes are for something authentically Metroid as well as a SSB4 DX for Switch reveal. Combine the modes and stages of the Wii U and 3DS versions, throw in a couple new characters/stages -- or even just announce more is coming as DLC after launch -- and I think that alone would hype a lot of people, myself included, especially if it’s coming sooner rather than later. I predict we’ll get more Wii U “deluxe” ports to Switch. A lot of great games on Wii U missed an audience due to the platform itself. Would be easy money and simultaneously please people to have some of those great games on the go.

Reggie teased earlier this spring that hardcore fans would be pleased by what they had cooking, and E3 is THE place to show that stuff off.

As usual, I also expect Treehouse Live to be surprisingly good, with its own genuine news dropped and even some games announced outside of the “spotlight.” The fact that Nintendo is calling it a “spotlight” and not a “presentation” like usual kind of worries me that it might not have many “megatons” but I sure as hell hope that Rabbids thing was not THE surprise they were banking on.

Last year, it felt like Nintendo had nothing to show besides Breath of the Wild. They saved tjhat stuff for January. That ended up working out well because LoZ actually lived up to the hype. But with a new piece of hardware just on the scene, after the failure that was the Wii U and the 3DS showing its age, now is not the time be stingy with announcements.

Of particular note, Nintendo could make a big splash now that they have relatively powerful hardware -- powerful enough to run a LOT of what is on the other platforms. Question is whether or not they are courting those third parties.

I’ve argued in the past how third party support for Nintendo is often irrelevant, but Switch is different -- having fully portable access to a lot of popular third party games, like the Souls series, would in and of itself be an easy and smart play in so many cases.

Either way, like every other year, Nintendo always has the greatest potential to win folks’ hearts and excitement over. Last year was a letdown in general terms, though Zelda was of course fantastic, but I hope they’ve really stock-piled some good content this year. Mario will probably take the spotlight, and I’m excited to see its new features, but I really hope they can surprise us -- not just with a literal shock, but by formally confirming things that just make sense.

DontNod:

I feel obligated to make special note of these guys given my investment in the Life is Strange fandom. I’m honestly very lukewarm on Vampyr, but maybe they can finally turn me around on it.

While DontNod said Life is Strange 2 is in dev but won’t be at E3, some NEWS on it of some sort would be nice, but I suspect they want to wait until they can show rather than tell.

While not being made by DontNod, if the LiS prequel is real, I am very curious as to how we’ll see it. Maybe at Sony’s conference? I have no idea. Doubt it’s the sort of thing they’ll just “drop” onto the net. I’ve already expressed dozens of times how troubling the idea of a prequel is and many of the ways it could easily go wrong, but I would love to be proven incorrect and fall in love with the same characters all over again under a different studio. I just can’t shake the sensations of “Fanservice money-milking” from the concept, which doesn’t settle well with me for such a personal story-focused game.

I think that either way, this is the time to clarify what is going on with the series. Are we getting TWO new games, or not? When is Vampyr coming, and what has been done to help prevent it from finding the same fate that Remember Me did?

Everyone else:

What is Bethesda up to? Fallout 4 didn’t seem to take off like they wanted.

What about BioWare? DA:I did well, but Mass Effect seems to have flopped. They’ve got to already be too invested in ME:A to give up on it, so what’s the play? Keep cooking on a sequel, wait until next year? Drop DLC in the meantime and hope it somehow adds a draw? Maybe tease the next Dragon Age?

Will we get a new TellTale reveal? They just finished TWDs3 and just started Guardians of the Galaxy. But they’ve already teased Batman s2 and Game of Thrones s2. Will we get our first look at either of these? Or maybe something else entirely?

And what the hell is Capcom up to? I’m sure we’ll see more MvC4, which would be good. Will we get weird new Mega Man shit crammed down our throats that misses the point of what people want from new Mega Man? Will we get some new Resident Evil thing? Will they reveal some new entry into something else?

EA and Ubisoft tend to have conferences without much for the hardcore gamer, but they do occasionally pull a crazy surprise out of left field this time of year (Ubisoft in particular with their indie stuff).

It’s almost E3 time!

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Why watching 'The Bachelor' via Twitter is better than the real thing

Confession: I've never seen a single episode of The Bachelor.

I've come to this life decision for a few reasons:

I'm generally bad at keeping up with TV, which is time consuming. I prefer to spend the minutes I have doing things like catching horses in The Legend of Zelda and giving them dumb names. (To each their own, ya know.)

I think the greatest reality TV show of all time is VH1's Charm School (a televised manners school for the contestants of VH1's own slate of dating shows, featuring commandments like "thou shall show some class," and — I kid you not — Mo'Nique, Sharon Osborne, and Ricky Lake as its headmistresses).

However, even though I've never seen an episode of The Bachelor, I DO follow all the highs and lows of the iconic televised love competition. Because every Monday I gaze into the shining void of my phone, my eyeballs transfixed by the addicting madness of Bachelor Twitter. 

This is how you knock on a bathroom door when someone is throwing up or has diarrhea, not when you just broke off your engagement #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/gWMoujfWfL

— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) March 6, 2018

For the uninitiated, The Bachelor isn't just a reality TV dating show. It's THE reality TV dating show. It premiered in 2002, and each season tasks a single man — a bachelor, you might say — with dating a group of women to find his soulmate. Through a series of group dates, solo dates, travel adventures, and family visits, the bachelor figures out which contestants he likes and which he doesn't, eliminating them one by one in an elaborate rose ceremony until he has found *Borat voice* MAH WIFE.

The show is currently 22 seasons in (and counting), and since The Bachelor's early aughts debut, ABC has added several spinoffs to its lineup, including The Bachelorette, The Bachelor Pad, and Bachelor in Paradise. 

No matter what time of year, there's always some form of The Bachelor on TV. And I'm here to tell you, dear reader, to skip it. Skip it all! 

The best way to watch The Bachelor is to bypass the ABC broadcast and only follow along on Twitter instead.

Will you accept this hashtag rose?

A friend once explained the allure of Bachelor viewing parties to me. According to her, nobody is really THAT interested in what's happening on screen during any given episode. Each season tends to follow a script, just with a different set of people. 

Instead, the reason to host a Bachelor viewing party is because it's fun to gather your friends, drink wine together, and judge people who have turned the messy human work of falling in love into a spectator sport.

What better place to do that than on Twitter?

Twitter is designed so that users can share their thoughts as quickly as possible, in their most expressive way, with only a few characters. What that means in actuality is that the platform is prone to exaggeration, shade, and of course, my favorite form of nourishment, drama™. 

Pair that with the parody-prone conceit of a reality TV dating competition, and you get the most ideal Bachelor viewing situation.

Take Monday's night's season 22 finale, for example.

On my feed, while the internet discussed former Trump advisor Sam Nunberg's bizarre interviews and Frances McDormand's stolen Oscar statuette, I began to notice increasingly alarming tweets about what I could only assume was a series of war crimes being committed on national television.

"'Can we talk just a little bit?' No you fucking sociopath," one person wrote. "Make it stop," another person pleaded.

The Bachelor was on.

Shame on your Chris Harrison, producers and Arie for even airing this. Anything for ratings right?! #disgusted #thebachelor #BachelorFinale #BachelorNation pic.twitter.com/hLY2zQfIf0

— Stephanie Lucia 🌿 (@stephani3MS) March 6, 2018

People were livid!

#TheBachelor was absolutely disgusting tonight. Shame on you Chris Harrison and your whole franchise for what you put Becca through for the sake of ratings. Shame on you @ariejr you are THE WORST. Good luck with that loser, Lauren.

— Kate (@Katieb38) March 6, 2018

I don’t wanna look like this fucker anymore. #TheBachelor

— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) March 6, 2018

would definitely not recommend watching The Bachelor tonight if you are a real human with even bare minimum empathic tendencies.

— cristina arreola (@C_Arreola) March 6, 2018

What could this season's Bachelor Arie have done!? Did he decide to crown a winner through a real-life, impromptu Hunger Games? What in the world could have elicited this reaction?

Curious, I checked with my friend, colleague, and Bachelor devotee in the morning.

The big twist was that Arie had broken up with the person he had proposed to so that he could go back to dating another person he was simultaneously dating when he was forced to choose one to propose to due to the framework of the show!

Upon hearing the scandal, I couldn't help but feel the bitter pangs of disappointment. I'm not an Arie apologist, I have no stake in this race, and from what I understand, Arie is exceptionally boring. But something about the big twist feels so pedestrian.

Is Arie's decision a spectacularly shitty thing to do to another human being? YES. Is it completely icky to air someone's grief at being heartbroken on TV? YES. Is this type of situation baked into the framework of the show, which is a literal game show in which the main thing that's going to happen is emotional trauma? YES.

At the end of the day, what aired on TV was just a shitty man being shitty. Having your heart broken is an awful, unforgettable thing, but viewers have been watching people get their hearts broken for sport through The Bachelor for almost two decades at this point. If anything, the biggest crime the show committed was breaking the established rules of how it's supposed to go. That definitely pales in comparison to what you assume when all you see coming across your Twitter feed is:

leaveLeaveLEAVE...LEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAVVVVEEEEEEEEE!!! #LEAVE LeaVe lEAvE LEAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE #WhenISayLeaveIMeanLEAVERIGHTNOW #BYE #TheBachelor #SayonARI #GetOutMeansGetOut

— Melissa Ponzio (@MelissaPonzio1) March 6, 2018

And that's the beauty of skipping The Bachelor broadcast and just watching the show via tweets.

Thanks to the the collusion of two social mores — a television culture that encourages us to share our thoughts online the moment something happens combined with an internet culture that disdains spoilers — when you "watch" The Bachelor only through Twitter, you transform the show from an ordinary dating show into a television bonanza where literally anything is possible.

Let's call it Schrödinger's Rose Ceremony. By not watching The Bachelor, I can't prove that Arie hasn't committed some horrible atrocity when a tweet calling him trash rolls around my Twitter feed. But I can't NOT prove it, either.

Omg whoa can’t believe I just ran into Arie on my way home!!!!! #TheBachelor #TheBachelorFinale pic.twitter.com/blwd3GECMv

— Hannah F Caldwell (@MsHannahFrazier) March 6, 2018

And that's just fun.

When watching the actual show, you have to deal with the nuance of knowing that Arie has ALSO been put in a tricky spot by the whole conceit of having to choose a life partner in just a few short weeks via a series of group dates. But when you're on Twitter, where the primary language is hyperbole, you can just yell. It's cathartic to do, and let me tell you, it's cathartic to watch.

Bachelor Nation roll call

The other thing that makes watching The Bachelor great on Twitter is that the show, from the very start, IS manipulative. And Bachelor Nation, as the community of fans calls itself, knows that. So when something happens on the show, Twitter savvy viewers bust out their fan theories, their best memes, and a healthy dose of cynicism. 

For instance, soon after the big reveal that Arie was breaking up with Becca, a theory started that Becca was in on it.

Ok Becca is clearly in on it. This is just sad manufactured drama to try and make up for the most boring season ever. #thebachelor

— Calvin (@calvinstowell) March 6, 2018

Other people disagreed.

Anyone saying Becca is “in on it” is 100% wrong. No one would allow themselves to be humiliated on TV like this. #TheBachelor #TheBachelorFinale

— Michael Empric (@michaelempric) March 6, 2018

Even Becca herself got in on the speculation.

Deep down, I knew. pic.twitter.com/mJDMqeKzzL

— Rebecca Kufrin (@thebkoof) March 6, 2018

With The Bachelor, the real drama is what happens online, where the Twitter commentary is often funnier than the earnestness we're treated to onscreen.

Once you start watching with friends or tweeting your experience, that's when the real games begin. Twitter's where everyone dissects the drama of every character, date, elimination, etc. And you don't have to watch the show to appreciate that. 

Even the show knows! Which is why it hosts a Bachelor fantasy league.

At this point in our reality TV cycle, the best part about The Bachelor is the community. And Twitter's where it's at.

And it's not just during the finale. Thanks to following Bachelor online, I know that one contestant was declared a missing person, that we don't deserve the first black Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay, and that Peter is my new husband.

I've never seen an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but someone just showed me a photo of Peter, and like, yep, yes, I get it pic.twitter.com/rC8CpCtj50

— MJ Franklin (@heyitsfranklin2) August 8, 2017

These are all details that become tedious when you have to experience them alongside the minutiae of each episode. Take them in isolation, and the only thing stopping you from crafting the television drama of your dreams is the limits of your imagination.

They say ignorance is bliss. But with The Bachelor, ignorance is the optimal viewing experience. Don't watch the show. Follow it on Twitter.

WATCH: These are some of the weirdest dating apps of 2017

[turnabouttoothbrush]

Diamond Slut

Once again, we are joined by a special guest sporker, helpfully contracted out by my older brother, Sith Droideka. Said guest sporker may be familiar to our older readers: Queztalcoatl!!!

No, not that one! This one.

(We open up in our sporking theatre.)

Quetzalcoatl: Well, well, well, what do we have here? Seems like normal but something seems… off. Has it always smelled like gunpowder so strongly in here?

Chill: Q! It’s you!! I haven’t seen you in years!

Kiri: Yeah, not since the days when neither Chill nor I had a solid characterization to share between us…

Quetzalcoatl: It has been some time. I got a note from Tlaloc that he met Silverpelt and Hawksky. I hope they’ve been doing well. So, what do we have here today?

Chill: “Well” is a relative term with those two…

Kiri: We’re doing a Metal Gear Solid fic, unfortunately. (For me, mostly, since apparently I’m the “resident Metal Gear sperg”...) It’s written by the same author who has an omegaverse fic that is 23 chapters long and still updating… pretty sure we sporked something of theirs before once? *looks it up* ...right, right, that lame high school AU and the daddy kink fic...

Chill: The point is that, as far as we can tell since we just skimmed half of the first chapter in preparation for this, it’s just a gratuitous sexfic that is basically MGS in name only! Otacon’s even genderbent in it for no discernable reason~

Quetzalcoatl: I wonder if that would make Tlaloc happy or sad?

Chill: Well… doesn’t he like Solicon? Because the tagged ships are just Big Boss/Otacon and Kazuhira Miller/Otacon.

Kiri: They’re not even in the same generation...

Summary: This takes place a few years before Metal Gear Solid where gender switched Otacon is working for Big Boss, Ocelot, and Kaz on Metal Gear.

Kiri: Okay but why. This doesn’t contextualize the fic, it just makes us more confused! It doesn’t fit with the canon timeline at all!!

Chill: Kiri, we’re literally one line into the summary, calm down...

Solid Snake works for Big Boss and is Otacon’s bodyguard. Otacon will, eventually, sleep with a lot of people by the time this story is over.

Quetzalcoatl: #fanfiction

Chill: Anyway, the fic’s only two chapters long, so… no, ‘she’ won’t...

Otacon covered her mouth and tried her best not to cry out.

Big Boss was buried between her thighs;

Kiri: Six feet under, maybe.

his shoulders keeping her legs spread wide apart, his fingers pressed against the sensitive skin behind her knees, pushing her leg up to her chest. She couldn’t move, could barely wiggle, her eyelashes fluttering madly as he licked her clit, his other hand, large rough fingers, teased at her slick entrance.

Quetzalcoatl: What was the point of making Otacon a girl here? I feel like there’s plenty of other women they could’ve used. Like Paz or something.

Kiri: Paz would make marginally more sense, yes.

Chill: I have no idea, lol. Considering how much omegaverse fanfiction this author writes, I really think they just like straight sex. (Because you know, with the mpreg and the self-lubricating anuses, omegaverse sex is basically straight sex without the tits.)

Kiri: *shudders*

She was completely and utterly naked underneath him, the only saving grace being his great coat that he had laid on the ground of the cave before he beckoned her to come closer.

Quetzalcoatl: I feel like a cardboard box would be more likely.

Kiri:

Chill: So, uh, what happened to Otacon’s clothes, anyway?

One finger slipped in easily and Otacon shook her head, whimpering. She wasn’t supposed to make a sound, it would draw attention to them Big Boss had warned, rumbling into her ear as he lowered the zipper on her too large white coat.

Quetzalcoatl: So I suppose that Otacon still stands for Otaku Convention here. What’s her real name though?

Chill: Does- does ‘Hal’ even have a feminine equivalent?

Kiri: Knowing Strangelove, she’d name a daughter “Joy”...

Chill: Point. I wonder if the author actually thought this through, though.

She wasn’t quite sure who they were supposed to be hiding from, they were technically still on the base

Chill: So… uhh… hate to be that girl, but, like, why are they having sex here~?

Quetzalcoatl: Maybe I missed something, but… since when have abandoned oil rigs had caves? Or is this in Zanzibar Land or something.

Kiri: I… don’t think they’re on their base right now? Honestly, I have no idea. I’m imaging Camp Omega in my mind, which does indeed have at least one cave near it.

but hidden deep in a cave out of site. Away from distractions, away from the soldiers, away from them.

Another finger pushed in, stroking her walls, stretching her.

Otacon’s mouth fell open and she gasped, heat like hot lava sinking deep into her belly,

Kiri: *sighs* Ever since I wrote When I Think About You I Touch Myself, any body-related heat metaphor/simile makes me think of the line “hot and tight, like a vacuum crossed with a firepit”.

building as Big Boss’s tongue frantically rubbed against her clit. She arched her back, dropping her hands to grab his thick hair, holding on for dear life as her orgasm tore through her. She couldn’t both back the moans, her hips bucking against his tongue and fingers.

Quetzalcoatl: She “couldn’t both back the moans”? What, exactly, does that mean?

Chill: Author’s typing with one hand down their pants…?

She collapsed on his coat, shivering as Big Boss lifted his head, licking his lips. He slipped his fingers from between her thighs, and brought them up to lips. Otacon panted, watching him lick his fingers clean.

Quetzalcoatl:

“You taste sweet.” Big Boss murmured.

Otacon blushed, ducking her head.

Big Boss rumbled deep in his chest.

Chill: Like a lawnmower?

Kiri: Why was a lawnmower the first thing you thought of…?

Quetzalcoatl: Reminds me of Kirito and Asuna and their blender noises in SAO Chapter 16.5....

He tipped her chin up and pressed his lips against her, kissing her sweetly.

Quetzalcoatl: Well, that’s one word I don’t associate with Big Boss.

Kiri: Maybe if he’d just eaten a bunch of sweets. Or random dead things that happened to taste sweet, I don’t know. I’m a cat, I have a very poor concept of ‘sweet’.

Quetzalcoatl: I’m not sure that Big Boss would have any different of a taste...

Chill: Fruit or mushrooms would be my guess. Ooh! Or a simmered fruit with mushrooms, or whatever it’s called, from the new Zelda game! Since Breath of the Wild is basically the Snake Eater of LoZ.

Kiri: And the Xenoblade Chronicles, and the Cooking Mama....

Quetzalcoatl: And the Skyrim. Don’t forget that. Or so my wife tells me.

She moaned, tasting herself on his lips.

Kiri: Sounds gross, thanks.

He was gentler then she thought he would be.

Quetzalcoatl: “I expected him to basically kill me.”

Part of her had expected him to push her against the wall, strip her of her clothing

Chill: So she did have clothing at some point...

and fuck her until he came; instead he had shouldered off his coat and stripped her of her clothing, kissing every inch of her exposed skin. He was still dressed and he had brushed away her hands when they went to unbutton his shirt.

Quetzalcoatl: This is Big “Tactical Hugging Action” Boss we’re talking about here.

Kiri: If the date with Kaz mission was anything to go by, Big Boss’ seduction strategy employs a lot of chokeholds and spammed meows.

Chill: I don’t think you’re supposed to use the ‘meow’ in that op.

Kiri: Well… the game lets you...

Otacon shivered in the coolness of the cave, her nipples hard and aching. Big Boss hummed, letting go of her chin to cup her breast.

“Cold?”

Chill: That’s what happens when you’re buck-naked in a cave.

“Yeah,” Otacon murmured, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, wanting his warmth.

Quetzalcoatl: I wonder how well the human body burns. Perhaps I should ask Huitzilopochtli.

Kiri: Pretty well, I hear. Fat acts as an accelerant.

“Hm,” Boss grunted, resistant at first before he settled between her thighs again. He was a lot heavier then she expected but it was a good weight and Otacon nuzzled close to him. His fingers trailed down her breast, down her ribs, ticking her belly button and she shied away from his hand, then hummed, honey sinking into her bones, making her feel warm as his fingers cupped her sex.

Chill: I’m not the only one who thinks that referring to genitals as “their sex” is, um, aggressively boring, right?

Big Boss eased himself back a fraction and pulled down his zipper, reaching inside and freeing his cock.

Otacon flushed, catching sight of it. She wasn’t a virgin, not since a hazy alcohol induced night in college,

Quetzalcoatl: With Snake or Julie or Naomi or...

Kiri: College would be too late for it to be Julie or an equivalent (stepfather? Huey died instead of Strangelove, or their genders were also switched?). Huh, I don’t really find it fair that genderbending Otacon would make his backstory less traumatic.

Chill: Snake never went to college, I bet it’s Naomi.

Kiri: *stiffly* We don’t talk about Naomi/Otacon here, thank you.

Chill: *rolls eyes*

but she hadn’t exactly been with other men since then. Okay, maybe no men, but she had seen enough videos on the internet to not be completely naïve about what a man’s cock looked like.

Kiri: ....implying that the drunken night in college was with another woman, I suppose.

Chill: It really was Naomi!

Kiri: Oh, shut up!!

Although Big Boss wasn’t any ordinary man, and his cock was a bit bigger then she was expecting, and she wondered for a panicked moment if he would fit.

Quetzalcoatl: Plot twist. It doesn’t fit. Because it’s all plastic surgery.

Kiri: ...that comment is raising questions about TPP that I’ve never asked myself before...

Big Boss laughed and Otacon ducked her head into his arm, hiding her face.

Evidently she had spoken that last part aloud.

“Trust me, I’ll fit.” He smiled, rubbing his nose against her ear.

Chill: Did it smell like the ocean?

Kiri: ...what?

Chill: Nevermind, I just got I think two different comments mixed up.

Otacon peaked up at him, her cheeks pink.

Quetzalcoatl: Otacon sounds like some sort of animé.

Chill: He is.

He studied her with that piercing eye of his before he pressed his lips against her ear, flicking his tongue into the delicate shell.

Kiri: Sounds like it would taste bad. But again, Big Boss we’re talking about here...

She moaned, arching her neck as his gently nipped her lower lobe. She shivered when he rubbed the bulbous head of his cock against her entrance before shifting his hips a fraction and slipping inside.

Quetzalcoatl: I feel like we should make this more interesting. Suggestions on couples that aren’t Metal Gear?

Kiri: Isn’t your other go-to Soriku or Akuroku?

Chill: I was going to suggest Vash the Stampede and Nicolas D. Wolfwood~

Kiri: No. A different straight couple would make more sense here, anyway.

Chill: Cop-out!

Quetzalcoatl: But who?

Chill: Harmony.

Ocelot gasped,

Kiri: Wait, where the fuck did he come from?

Quetzalcoatl: Why am I not surprised Ocelot’s there to stalk Big Boss?

Chill: I could totally buy him being a voyeur. It just feels right, you know?

grabbing the front of his shirt, her wide eyes meeting his blue one. He lifted his hips, and with a shallow thrust, pushed in halfway. She shifted underneath him, trying to spread her legs, to ease some of the sudden pressure between her thighs when he thrust in again, quietly cursing under his breath as he sunk home.

Chill: Anyway, I don’t think we need to find + replace the names to prove that this sex scene is totally generic when the author’s already devolved into just using pronouns...

Quetzalcoatl: There’s nothing to replace!

She whined, high pitched and frantic, as he set the pace. He planted his hand on the wall of the cave above her head, his face tucked next to hers. His other hand wrapped around her right thigh, his grip so tight she could already feel the bruises forming.

This was a fuck of a lot better than any internet video on Friday night.

Quetzalcoatl: Ah… but what about Thursday night?

Kiri: Well, that’s different. Besides, new episodes of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure come out on Fridays, so that really cuts into the porn time.

Chill: Which she’s obviously referring to, because everyone knows JJBA is better than porn! Or sex, for that matter.

Her entire body shook with each thrust, and she tried to meet him, but the way she was positioned underneath him, she couldn’t, all she could do was cling to his broad shoulders and into his ear with every thrust.

Chill: I think she accidentally the verb.

She wanted to wrap her legs around his waist, desperately wanted to cling to him but Big Boss growled in her ear and Otacon’s toes curled at the sound.

Quetzalcoatl: I wonder what Ocelot’s doing now.

Kiri: Touching himself, probably. And/or filming this.

There was nothing she could do except shiver and tremble underneath him, her body open to him. She could feel his muscles flexing under his shirt, and drowned in his scent of heavy cigar smoke and aftershave.

Chill: Implying that Big Boss would bother using aftershave? Or… know that he’s supposed to use it in the first place…?

Quetzalcoatl: I’m sure Mr. I-thought-Santa-was-real-until-I-was-39 uses aftershave.

When the hand holding her thigh drifted back towards her core,

Chill: ….leeeeeeeeeeeading you doooooown into my co~re, where I’ve become so numb…

Kiri: I don’t think numbness would be… acceptable… here.

Chill: That’s the joke. This sex sounds awful.

Otacon stilled, her eyes growing wide, gulping air as his fingers traced around her stretched, slick, lips before drifting up to ruthlessly rub her clit with two fingers.

Quetzalcoatl: Oh, just get on with it already! Stop being so boring!

Chill: This is, like, the opposite of that YGOTAS “Just fuck already!” gif we always use.

“Thought you might like that,” Big Boss chuckled as he resumed thrusting.

Otacon tried to speak, to whimper, or cry out, or make some sort of sound

Kiri: Aren’t you two still trying not to get caught??

instead she weakly hit his wide shoulders, silently begging him to stop. It was too much, his cock to big, his fingers abusing her sweet spot while he watched her with that all knowing look.

He knew it was too much.

Chill: Sooooo… he should stop, or at least slow down, right…? I mean, it’s gonna start getting kinda rapey if he doesn’t, honestly.

Kiri: Rapey, or at least rude and inconsiderate as hell.

Otacon’s eyes screwed shut, clawing at his shoulders as she wiggled underneath him, trying desperately to focus on his fingers but his cock wouldn’t stop, and it was hard to be honest. Suddenly she felt claustrophobic, pinned to the ground underneath him, she couldn’t breathe, her head dizzy, panicked.

“Now cum like a good girl,” Boss purred.

Quetzalcoatl: Ah! Now the Boss is here!

Kiri: I would call that an improvement. Although Otacon is sort of her kid… in spirit, I suppose… not that she’d really know, being long dead by that point and all…

Quetzalcoatl: Wouldn’t that make it worse, then?

Kiri: It would… :(

Otacon couldn’t stop the high pitched whine, could only still for a moment, her body tensing underneath him before she bucked her hips up, desperate to meet his thrusts, desperate to follow his fingers, as those lovely lights danced behind her eyes.

Afterwards she slumped to the ground underneath him, her thighs spread wide, holding weakly onto the front of his shirt as Big Boss, satisfied with her response, bowed his head, his hand returning to hold her thigh and doubled his efforts.

Chill: Noooo, can this scene just be over yet??

Swallowing, her heart still pounding, Otacon wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing his ear close to her mouth.

Quetzalcoatl: “I introduced your parents. And then your dad killed your mom maybe”

She was in that moment, that post-orgasmic moment when she wanted more of him, more of his weight, his cock. She wanted more of him inside of her. And she was going to poke the tiger and see what response she got. The idea of pushing Big Boss’s buttons thrilled and downright terrified her, but she so wanted to see what he would do.

Quetzalcoatl: It’s a Hideo Kojima game. He’ll probably just pee on you or something.

Chill: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Otacon were into that stuff.

Kiri: I wish I could argue against that.

“Will you fill me up?” Otacon whispered.

Big Boss stilled, panting against her breasts.

“What?” He groaned.

“Will you fill me up with your cum? Fill me up until I’m dripping and sticky and your cum drools down my thighs?”

“You want me to cum in you?” Big Boss growled.

“Please.” Otacon whispered, kissing his ear.

Kiri: *insert pithy comment about the lack of protection and the law of badfic pregnancy here*

Boss rasped something in Spanish,

Chill: “Mi aerodeslizador está lleno de anguilas.”

Otacon didn’t know nor did she care. All she cared about was his sudden jerking thrusts; his increased speed as he fucked her body, fucked her like she was always meant to be there available and open for him whenever he wanted her.

Quetzalcoatl: Why Big Boss and Otacon of all people? Why not normal Solicon?

Kiri: I… have literally no clue. And this is coming from a person who currently has an Otacon/Solidus fic in the works.

“Please,” She begged, her voice getting higher and higher with each thrust until she was crying into his ear again.

“Fuck!”

He grunted, his body tensing above hers and she ran her hands down his chest to his stomach and down to his pelvis, stroking his hip bone as he thrust once, twice, and finally a third time before he collapsed on top of her.

She moaned.

She could fucking feel him cumming inside of her.

Quetzalcoatl: *yawns*

Otacon panted underneath him, stroking his back as he lifted himself finally, pulling himself out before he rolled onto his back, his chest rising and falling as he tried to catch his breath.

Chill: Are they done yet?

Otacon hemmed, keeping her legs open as her fingers drifted to her own pussy. She resisted the urge to shut her eyes, instead pushing two fingers into her abused cunt, thrusting shallowly. Satisfied, she brought her hand up to her lips, inspecting her cum covered fingers.

“You gonna eat that?” Big Boss breathed.

Quetzalcoatl: As always.

Kiri: His stamina gauge is starting to run low.

Otacon licked her fingers then suckled them, sighing happily as Big Boss silently watched her.

“I should lock you in my quarters.” He finally rumbled.

Chill: Ah, I see he’s been reading Liquid Snake’s How To Talk Dirty, a Guide to the Bedroom: “Raise as many red flags as humanly possible without saying you’re going to inhabit their skin (optional).”

Kiri: You really liked that joke so much you had to repeat it word-for-word…?

Chill: Er...

Otacon glanced at him, shivered at his stare.

Quetzalcoatl: I, too, get the creepy vibe from Big Boss.

She wanted to ask him what he meant, if it was a threat or a promise, when gravel crunching under boots both made them look up.

Her bodyguard Solid Snake stood five feet from them, his eyes taking in Otacon’s body, her spread legs, the bruising on her thighs, the blush blooming on her cheeks and spreading down her chest to her small breasts.

Quetzalcoatl: ?????????????

??????????

??????????????????

Kiri: Is this just, well, walking in on your (whatever the term is for someone you’re bodyguarding) in an awkward situation, or did Solid just get cucked?

Chill: Again?

Kiri: What did I say about bringing up Naomi/Otacon?!

Otacon shivered. She crossed her arms over his breasts, noting the shift in Solid Snake’s eyes. She moved to close her legs when Big Boss’s hand slipped between her knees, forcing her legs apart.

“Keep them open,” He rumbled.

Quetzalcoatl: This man rumbles more than volcanoes.

Otacon shifted, resisting his hand at first, but whimpered as he pried her legs apart, pushing them up, showing her off to Snake.

Chill: And… Otacon’s just fine with her lover(???) showing her off to his son like that…??

Kiri: That depends. Are we going to get any open acknowledgement of the fact that Solid is Big Boss’ son? Because if we can pretend he’s not/assume he isn’t in this AU, that would make this slightly less creepy and inappropriate.

Satisfied she wouldn’t move, Big Boss sat up, tucking himself back into his pants, and stood up. He straightened his clothing and turned to Snake.

“Boss!” Someone called from the cave’s entrance.

Kiri: Okay seriously where the hell are they. Why are there friendlies here, did Big Boss bring them with him or does this take place near his base?

“Snake, when I’m gone, wrap her up in the coat and bring her back to the base safe and unseen.” Boss said, eyeing the entrance.

“Yes, Boss.”

“You can look, but you can’t touch.” Big Boss ordered.

Quetzalcoatl: ...I guess Otacon is a piece of meat now for these two.

Chill: How… is Solid supposed to wrap Otacon up in the coat without touching him? ...her?

Snake’s Snake nodded wordlessly.

Quetzalcoatl: Nice of his pet to join us.

Chill: I hope it’s his pet, and not a euphemism...

“Follow when we’re gone.” Boss finished, walking towards the entrance like he had just had a nap, like he hadn’t fucked Otacon, and not like his cock hadn’t been in her moments ago.

Otacon swallowed, shifting uneasily under Snake’s gaze.

It was similar to Big Boss’s, but there was a rabidity, a feralness in those grey eyes

Kiri: *bored* He has blue eyes. Grayish blue, I’ll grant, but the blue’s more noticeable.

that scared Otacon. She whimpered, pawing at the ground as Snake wordlessly stepped closer and kneeled in front of her. His hands hovered over her thighs, and Otacon trembled as his hand drifted over her core, hesitant, before he sat back, his gaze racking up and down her body.

Kiri: ...have a little decency, man. Either of you!

Otacon waited until Big Boss was out of ear shot before she nervously closed her thighs, shifting uncomfortably under Snake’s gaze.

Wordlessly, Snake helped cover her with Boss’s great coat and picked her up bridal style.

“If it was up to me?” He asked, his voice rough, carrying her towards the entrance.

Otacon looked to him.

“I would never let you off your knees.”

Quetzalcoatl: There are no good guys in this story.

Chill: Oh, he’s also been reading How To Talk Dirty, a Guide to the Bedroom.

Otacon shivered, hiding her face in Snake’s shoulder.

How the hell were they supposed to share a room now?

To Be Continued…

Quetzalcoatl: Why

Kiri: Arguably the bodyguard sharing a room with the person he’s guarding makes more sense than Big Boss wanting to get it on with an inexplicably female Otacon. Not that the latter makes sense, of course, but the bodyguard thing kinda does. Especially if they’re not sharing a bed.

Chill: I’m just in awe that this fic never turned into Solicon, judging by the tags.

CHAPTER TWO

Otacon shifted nervously on her chair.

Quetzalcoatl: Much like me!

She was in sub commanders Miller’s

Chill: The way “sub commander” is written out makes me think it’s referring to Kaz being a sub, like, sexually… like, D/s sub…

Kiri: I get it.

Chill: I mean, he did like getting beat up and choked in the date with Kaz mission, so...

office waiting for the man. The room was decorated with supportive posters on the wall that encouraged the men to do their best, and fight for Big Boss.

Kiri:

?

Well, she and Snake.

Quetzalcoatl: Is Big Boss now a she?

Chill: Sure, why not?

She glanced over her shoulder. Snake stood behind her at ease, his hands behind his back, and a bored look on his face. The first few days after Snake had found her with Big Boss had been a bit unnerving, and tense, and completely awkward. She’d awoken to him groaning in his sleep in their shared room, before he rolled onto his side, his back to her.

Kiri: Alright, so they are apparently sharing a bed after all. Nevermind what I said. This makes no sense. How is this not a Solicon fic.

Quetzalcoatl: To be fair, this could be them sharing the room and him turning over in his own bed to have his back to her.

Kiri: Oh, true.

Chill: ...but do we really want to give the fic that much benefit of the doubt?

It wasn’t that she was scared of him. Except maybe she was a little scared of him,

Chill: Make up your mind, lady.

but his words to her had hit a core and left her squirming under her sheets, her fingers slick as she rubbed and fucked herself, biting the pillow to cover her moans and whimpers when she came.

Quetzalcoatl: I feel like this kind of thing is really common in badfic. *yawns*

Kiri: Wish I had a nickel for every stupid “masturbating in the same room as the person you’re fantasizing about while said person sleeps” scene I’ve had to read… I could afford to pay the fanfic characters’ rents so they wouldn’t have to share rooms anymore.

If Snake knew what she was up to, well, the thought made her shiver.

“Are you alright?”

Chill: *as Otacon* No. I’m trapped in a really poorly thought-out fic with no context and no way to return to my proper gender. Also I had sex with your dad

Quetzalcoatl: *as Snake* Yeah, I saw that.

Otacon blinked, noticing Snake was watching her with that piercing gaze. She flushed, turning her attention to Miller’s desk. Nervously, she pushed up her glasses.

“I’m, ah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”

Chill:

“Hmmm,”

His rumbled response made her shiver again.

Quetzalcoatl: Everyone is half volcano!

“What do you think he wants?” Otacon swallowed, trying to change her thoughts.

Before Snake could respond, the office door opened and Kazuhira Miller entered. His hair was tied back into a pony tail and his metallic arm glinted in the office’s light.

Kiri: So… there has been a definite passage of time here, it isn’t just an “Otacon (and Solid) are inexplicably adults when Big Boss and Kaz are in their prime” AU. So basically Big Boss was fuckin’ old during the first chapter.

Chill: Remind me again how much smut you’ve written that’s involved Ocelot?

Kiri: Uh.

Chill: And so far not a one of them had him any younger than fifty.

Kiri: Shush!

“Good, you came.” He said, walking around his desk. He shuffled some papers, piling them into three separate piles.

Quetzalcoatl: “I’m here to teach you about socks.”

Kiri: “Remember, you can drink your own saliva, but never spit it out.”

Chill: “What have I told you about waiting 30 minutes after you eat to play a game?”

“You did order me to come in, Sir, so…” Otacon said.

Snake straightened his stance, his attention focused.

“Right, right.” Kaz sat in his chair. “It’s been noticed that you seem occupied as of late.”

Otacon blinked.

Quetzalcoatl: “Something to do with you stealing my Big Boss away. You’re like that stupid Ocelot.”

Kiri: “You’re too young for him, anyway. Damn kids…”

“I’m sorry, sir?”

“You have been distracted, moral is down,

Chill: I’ll say.

and your performance has been noticed.” Kaz said, his tone even.

Otacon’s eyes widened. “N-No! I have been making progress with the Metal Gear, and-and-“

Quetzalcoatl: What if they made him a genderbent Huey instead of Otacon?

Kiri: In this fic? There wouldn’t be a difference. ...aside from being a little more viscerally disturbing.

“Big Boss has been concerned that your attention might be waning, and that maybe you would be better suited in other sections on the base.”

Chill: Like the sex dungeon?

Kiri: Why do they have a sex dungeon?

Chill: Well, Ocelot’s mentioned in the summary, isn’t he?

Otacon’s breath caught and she flushed, looking down to her lap. She wondered if Big Boss was mentioning keeping her in his room. She squeezed her thighs together at the thought of the man’s broad shoulders and weight and, crap she was getting wet just thinking about it.

Quetzalcoatl: Someone really likes old men.

“Now, I have reassured Big Boss that perhaps through some discipline, you would be more appreciative of your position as head researcher.” Kaz drawled.

“Discipline?” Otacon gasped.

“Sir?” Snake asked, his voice uncertain.

Chill: *as Snake* I guess it makes sense that you’re into that kind of thing, Master, since you do make everyone call you ‘Master’. It just never occured to me that you’d be into not being on the receiving end of it…. You are kind of... twinky…

Kiri: *as Kaz* That’s just the pot calling the kettle black, Snake.

“Oh yes.”

“How am I supposed to be punished?” Her voice was dry, and she shifted nervously in her chair.

“Well, this is technically a military installation, and as such, punishment is in order.

Kiri: You’ve said as much, yes.

If you were one of the men, I would have you scrubbing the all the men’s bathroom with a toothbrush, but you’re not. And since you’re technically not a private contractor, I can’t send you off base for two weeks without pay. So, this leaves me in a bit of a quandary.”

Quetzalcoatl: How about… not punishing her?

Chill: Considering there were, like, medical and intel and R&D and cooking units and stuff like that with MSF in canon, you’d think there’d already be some protocol in place for staff members who weren’t behaving but weren’t technically “one of the men”, which I think just refers to the, y’know, the grunts.

Kiri: If Huey was any indication, it’s locking them in their labs and eventually putting them on trial.

Kaz shook his head.

Otacon swallowed.

“You’re not putting her in the brig, are you?” Snake asked.

“Oh no, no, no.” Kaz waved his metallic hand. “No. I have just the thing.” He stood up and went to the file cabinet. He reached behind it and pulled out a rattan cane with a black handle.

Quetzalcoatl: *as Kaz* So instead of physical punishment we’ll do… physical punishment.

Chill: *as Otacon* I’ll take the brig, thanks. Or the toothbrush thing. Actually, the toothbrush thing sounds pretty great right about now!

Kaz swished it in the air before striking his flesh hand. The smacking sound echoed in the office.

Otacon face burned and she squirmed on her chair.

“Master?” Snake’s voice sounded unsure, worried even.

Kiri: He is, after all, once again the only reasonable one in the fic. For this scene, at least.

“Quiet.” Kaz ordered.

Kiri: I don’t think she’d listen to you, dude.

Chill: Hey, who knows how long this takes place after TPP? ...or what its relationship is to TPP at all… anyway, maybe they get along now~?

Kiri: That’s a pipe dream and you know it.

Snake grunted.

“Ms. Emmerich, please stand up.”

Quetzalcoatl: “Will the real Otacon please stand up?”

Otacon swallowed again, and slowly stood. Her glasses slipped down her nose and she pushed them up, looking up to Kaz’s aviator glasses.

“Now, lean over the desk.” Kaz ordered, his voice smooth.

Chill: I’m starting to wonder if the ‘needs punishment’ thing was just a fabrication on his part, as opposed to the author just ham-handedly moving the “”””plot”””” along.

Kiri: That… would require thinking on the author’s part.

Otacon lowered her gaze, her face bright red. She leaned over the desk, trembling as Kaz placed her hands on the far edge of the desk. She felt completely exposed.

“Snake, sit in the chair and hold onto her hands.” Kaz said.

Quetzalcoatl: A mix of couple’s counseling and corporal punishment.

Snake hesitated before he came around and sat in Kaz’s chair.

Chill: Officially claiming it as his own.

He gripped Otacon’s hands in his, holding her firmly. In this position, she couldn’t look away, could only look into his eyes. She swallowed, jumping as Kaz’s hands slipped under her waist and effortlessly opened her jeans and slid them down to pool around her knees.

Kiri: Honestly, I would love to see what a sexual harassment “suit” would look like on Mother Base. I mean, it’s probably dealt with by the fact that everyone there is armed, but it would really hilarious to see someone go on ‘trial’ for it.

“I think eight are appropriate. Now count with me, Ms. Emmerich.”

The cane swished through the air and Otacon cried out at the first hit. It hurt like she’d been stung by a wide bee.

Chill: By a wot.

She wiggled, trying to pull free from Snake’s grip but his hands were locked over hers.

Chill: I think I mostly feel bad for Snake in this fic. He doesn’t deserve this.

“Count.” Kaz ordered.

“One,” Otacon gulped then yelped as Kaz brought the can hard on the flesh of her ass. “T-two!”

Swish

SMACK

Kiri: I don’t even remember if these were italicized in the original… come to think of it, if it had been then it would have been copy/pasted as such. So it’s just… there...

“Three!” Otacon squealed.

Swish

SMACK

Quetzalcoatl: Now they’re really doing the one-two-three-CRUNCH thing.

Chill: How many canings does it take to get to the center of fem!Otacon’s naked butt? Do you know, Mr. Owl Miller?

“Oh god, four,” Otacon huffed, trying to wiggle away from the cane. It was starting to border on being too much, the stinging sensation was too much for her soft flesh.

Chill: Also, apropos of nothing, but with Otacon being a skinny nerd with a desk job and all - does he/she even have much of a butt to speak of?

Swish

SMACK

“Owww! Ow, ow, owww! F-five!” Otacon managed. Her vision clouded before fat tear drops rolled down her cheek. She was shaking, wiggling badly on the desk. If Snake wasn’t holding her wrists in their vice like grip, Otacon would have wiggled away by now.

Swish

SMACK

Quetzalcoatl: I keep imagining the normal male Otacon.

Kiri: It’s not like it changes the scene much… seriously, what was the point of the genderbend…? Aside from the porn, that is.

Chill: Kiri, the point of this whole fic is porn.

“S-Six!” Otacon barely managed, her eyes squeezed shut. Snake squeezed her hands reassuringly and she opened her eyes, meeting his.

Snake’s mouth was parted, his breathing harsh, his eyes wide with that same feral look from in the cave.

Chill: So spray him with a water bottle! That’s what you usually do with animals in heat, right? No? I don’t want to google it.

Otacon shuddered at that look.

Swish

SMACK

Otacon squealed. She kicked with her back legs. “Please no more! Please, please, please! Stop, please!”

Swish

SMACK

Quetzalcoatl: This scene is dragging on and on.

“Eight.” Kaz said, letting the rattan cane drop to his side.

Otacon slumped against the desk and cried.

Kiri: Really, I’m just still baffled by the flimsy ‘officially sanctioned punishment’ premise of this. Like, why drag Kaz into this? I don’t get it.

Her shoulders shook and she trembled. Snake squeezed her wrists reassuringly and she lifted her head, her glasses askew. She hiccupped. This was the worst thing ever. Nobody had ever punished her like this, actually she had never been punished.

Chill: I think I’d expect her to have an attitude problem, in that case…

She sniffled and frowned as Kaz soothingly stroked her back.

It felt nice, calming even. She relaxed under his hand and pressed the side of her burning face against the desk, her eyes meeting Snake’s. It was nice and soothing and she felt so raw and—her eyes widened, blinking past her tears as Kaz pushed her panties down to spool around her hot thighs. Cold metal cupped her sex and Otacon gasped.

Chill: Well yeah but like we already knew this was sexual harassment, so…

Kiri: Why is he doing this with Snake still in the room.

“You handled that like a pro.” Kaz hummed, his metallic fingers spreading her neither lips.

Kiri: Her what?

Quetzalcoatl: Her neither regions. You know, like neither here nor there.

“So I think you deserve a bit of a reward.”

Chill: He didn’t, like, ask her if he could do this, so this kind of… well… rape as a reward? It doesn’t work like that...

Otacon parted her lips, to ask him to stop, to try and figure out what was going, instead her breath caught in her throat as he slipped in two fingers inside her hot core. The metal was cold, but she was so slick, but why was she slick? And his fingers glided in and out of her with ease.

Quetzalcoatl: Why is Kaz doing this again? This strikes me as being OOC.

Kiri: He is - well, was - a womanizer in canon, and if Paz’s audio diary is anything to go by he definitely bordered on sexual harassment sometimes, but yeah, I really don’t think he’d go this far.

Chill: I’m not sure even Strangelove would go this far, she might have groped Paz but this is just… extreme.

“Easy girl, easy.” Kaz soothed, his flesh hand pressed against her lower back and held her in place. He pumped his fingers into her, and smiled when she finally moaned.

Quetzalcoatl: Kaz sounds like he’s dealing with an animal here.

She danced on the tips of her toes, her eye lashes fluttering shut and she rocked her hips. Commander Kaz knew what he was doing, that was a fact and a point driven home when his flesh hand drifted down her back, past her hot ass, and thigh, and curled around her pelvis to her front. He found her clit and rubbed her roughly with three fingers.

Chill: *innocently* Must be a big clit if it takes him three fingers to rub it.

Otacon moaned, the sound pulled from deep inside. She spread her legs, inviting his fingers to push in deeper and he did until his metallic knuckles pressed against her swollen lips.

Quetzalcoatl: What’s Snake doing right now, anyways?

Kiri: ...watching?

Chill: Being cucked.

Kiri: ...he vanished into narrative limbo. He’s gone.

“Open your eyes, Ms. Emmerich,” Kaz purred.

Kiri: Also it only now occurred to me but why on earth does Otacon no longer have a doctorate here.

Otacon’s eyes fluttered open and she met Snake’s. He was staring at her like a starving dog inches from a full meal. She whimpered and Snake’s hands tightened.

Quetzalcoatl: Well, Snake’s not doing so hot either in the whole “morality” thing here…

Chill: At least all he’s done so far is just stare creepily at her and not doing anything while she was getting fingered without permission and okay wow yeah this fic has a really low bar.

Suddenly Kaz pulled his fingers from her pussy and smacked her ass hard.

Blinding pain coursed through and she cried out. He did it again, and she wailed. The third time his hand smacked her whipped ass, she came. Her eyes squeezed shut and she shuddered, grinding against his fingers that rubbed her clit until finally she stopped and stilled. She slumped against the table, panting as he removed his fingers.

Quetzalcoatl: *yawns*

“That will be all, Ms. Emmerich. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have other matters to attend to.”

Kiri: “Ocelot, get your flat ass in here. Your turn.”

Kaz hummed. He grabbed a file off the desk and left the office, licking his metallic fingers, and left Snake and Otacon alone.

Quetzalcoatl: I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Kaz…

Chill: I don’t think Kaz has a lot of good ideas...

Snake let go of her wrists.

“You alright?”

“No,” Otacon whined.

Kiri: I wouldn’t be if someone caned me and then fingered me without my consent, either.

Snake swallowed, his eyes darkened.

“Do you want me to carry you back to the room?”

“Please,” Otacon whimpered.

Quetzalcoatl: And… it’s done. Well. Short. Sweet(?). And really, really boring.

Chill: Yup.

Kiri: I am genuinely curious as to why it’s only two chapters long and marked as complete, despite the summary.

Quetzalcoatl: Apparently Big Boss and Kaz count as like ten men each.

Kiri: I’m sure this is metaphorical somehow.

Chill: I really want to know how the heck this never turned into Solicon… maybe that’s what it was leading into…? Why was Ocelot in the summary?? He only showed up because of a typo!

Quetzalcoatl: Then obviously he was there the whole time!

Chill: Clearly.

Kiri: Might as well, I suppose.

Quetzalcoatl: Well, final thoughts? I think I’ve made mine clear.

Chill: I kinda wish it were longer, just out of morbid curiosity. Big Boss/Otacon and Kaz/Otacon are such weird ships that I think it’d be fun to see what other random people the author could pair him (her) up with.

Kiri: Except that’s kind of the problem with it, too, since Otacon basically has nothing to do with his actual characterization and personality - it’s not really Otacon, it’s just some chick who uses the name. Same thing applies to all the others, come to think of it, except at least they get to be their proper genders.

Chill: Yeah, we know that Otacon being OOC isn’t just some dumb “he acts different because ~he’s a woman now~” genderbend thing. We’ve already sporked this author’s stuff, we know they can’t characterize anyone…

Quetzalcoatl: Joy. Well, I’m going to fly out now. *transforms into a flying serpent and literally flies out*

Chill: ...that looks like fun-

Kiri: No, you walk like the rest of us, Chill.

Chill: Pfff….