#Also it's 2021 all the kids are miserable in one way or another because I'm mean and have been feeling like shit lately

[handheldheaven]

On Being 25

This post is long and has also been a long time coming.

I've been running this blog since August of 2017, in the midst of an eating disorder and an abusive relationship. I was a pop punk kid looking for community. Over the next few years I fell into pseudointellectualism; I cosplayed the prestigious scholar who lived for November days and moldy book pages. I loved ancient Greek and ancient Rome and dramatic, bloody imagery. I had a few hit posts (they reached 1k notes) and I thought I found a community.

In 2021, my life took a huge turn. I was about to graduate with my bachelor's degree, my professors wanted me to enroll in a creative writing program, and I should have been happy. But I wasn't—I was stuck at home with my conservative mother who drove me up the wall with her conspiracy theories. My friends both in real life and online were distant, and I was at my loneliest. I was burnout and insignificant, and I became very, very close to k-lling myself one day. The details don't matter. All that matters is that I didn't do it, and with what I became after, there were people who thought I should have done it. This was also around the time I came to terms with the fact that I'm autistic.

Over the next several months I would abandon this blog and become a born again Christian. I also adopted my mother's conservative beliefs because I needed something to grasp. Later I would learn I was most likely going through a spiritual psychosis/personality change because of my almost-attempt. I returned to tumblr and continued posting with an adjacent, modern aesthetic, but I also brought my newfound conservative ideas. This is something that I'm still very ashamed of, because it affected people in my life who I once cherished as being my closest friends. My isolation from others permanently destroyed my friendships and how people who trusted me saw me.

I fell down another rabbithole of t3rfism around this time. In hindsight, it was most likely because of the conservatism (which I was no longer part of), the fact that I had zero female friends, and my only "friend" was a douchebag guy who only wanted to sleep with me. I never identified as a t3rf, but I did join them in questioning certain aspects of society. It was so obvious that one of my previous friends called me out on it when I tried contacting them to reconnect at the end of 2022.

I'm not writing all of this to receive pity. I'm writing this because I feel the need to atone for my past actions. I've apologized to the people who needed apologies.

I lost a lot of my traction when I returned to tumblr. I wasn't posting consistently, so I became yet another up-and-coming tumblr user who was pushed to the shadows. I see some of my mutuals and wonder what would have happened if I kept up with the academic façade and posted shitty poetry. Could I have crowdfunded a grad degree, or had readers for my poetry book?

All this is to say that I wasn't the same when I came back to tumblr. Engagement on my original postings are now zero. This blog just doesn't feel like "me", and it hasn't since 2021.

I've outgrown this blog.

My degree hasn't gotten me far. I'm not in grad school studying art history like I wanted to when I was 21. I'm not a published writer like my English professors encouraged me to be. The aesthetics of this blog are a sham and in no way reflect reality. The reality behind this tumblr user is that I'm a 25 year old woman who works customer service and who still can't afford to move out. I dropped out of grad school after like 2 weeks because it sucked. I work full time, so I can't afford to study forgotten religions or 9th century theater or whatever the fuck the posters from the 'golden era' are doing off their parents' dime.

I've been developing my interests organically without people on the internet swaying my opinions. I'm not trying my hardest to live up to a certain aesthetic and making myself miserable in the process. I reached an age that the original creator of this blog in 2017 thought she'd never see. I feel better about picking up the pieces of my life now that I'm not using 25 as my deadline.

I'm not done with tumblr forever. I may remake my blog one day—a blog that isn't a time capsule of some of my worst developmental years. For now this is goodbye.

[allylikethecat]

🎢, ✨, and ✅ for the emoji asks!

YAY thank you so much for indulging me in an ask game situation and sending this in! If anyone else wants to jump on the Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask situation the list can be found HERE.

🎢 Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

Currently, I'd say Make Way for Ducklings is a pretty wild ride, mostly because like you all, I'm not entirely sure where we are going anymore 😂

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉 Oh my gosh this is so hard, I'm so awkward. I guess I'm pretty pleased with how I am able to, for the most part, consistently update *something* every Tuesday. I am ALSO really proud of myself that I haven't given up on the January OTP prompts yet - does that count?

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

I was going to make a joke and say Fictional!Matty being miserable and full of angst but idk if I would call that an accident. I guess one thing that kept reoccurring that I then decided to make an actual thing that I included on purpose, is Fictional!Matty getting horribly car sick, and that is based on my own life experiences. Another one that I didn't even realize, and was an accident that I did not mean to keep including is that Fictional!Matty has broken his wrist many times in many of my fics, or a previously broken wrist is mentioned. I didn't even realize it until my Bestie pointed it out to me, because she thought that it was based on an actual IRL Matty event and I had to awkwardly explain I was once again projecting my trauma onto Fictional!Matty 😂 (I broke my wrist when I was a kid and now have this weird slightly irrational fear that it's going to happen again, I have a few permanent bracelets on one wrist, one that can probably be cut off with scissors and the other that is a whole process to unlock and I am so terrified I'm going to fall off my horse, break my wrist, and be screaming at my trainer to get the bracelets off before my hand swells... luckily I broke my OTHER hand in 2021 so the bracelets weren't an issue lol)

Thank you so much for reading and for sending in these asks! I was so excited to get them and love answering fun ask games! So thank you so very much for indulging me! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your week!

❤️Ally

[invisiblegarters]

Oh, it's my favorite topic. Thank you anon, the ask wasn't for me but it sure feels like it was. ❤

Not Me - ah, my first exposure to First. And I won't lie, Yok is not my favorite (I know!) and I had no clue who First even was at the time, so I wasn't as focused on him as i probably would be watching now, but I enjoyed this optimistic little ball of flirty sunshine. Where he got me, though, was towards the end. The silent way he just broke down while being betrayed...if floored me. To watch this ball of energy pull so hard into himself really caught my attention.

The Eclipse - I watched this directly after Not Me, and I am not kidding when I say I didn't even realize it was the same actor. And it was literally back to back, because apparently I decided to do the 2021/2022 political leaning dramas right on top of each other. Akk was *so* different from Yok. it was genuinely amazing to me. This one is hard to pick a scene from - I just kind of want to say all of it, but I think the bits on the roof with Chadok (also, did Chadok slap him on the roof? For some reason I thought he did but then I rewatched with a friend and it didn't happen - was it in a fanfic?) and then with Aye are my favorite. You can see the struggle he's going through all over him, how hard he's fighting to do what he thinks is right v. what he knows is. And then when Aye shows up and all that fight just drains out of him...it's so good. I also like the moments when he's allowed to forget what he's doing and what he still has to do - when he's playing around with Wat and Kan, when he's relaxing in bed with Aye - because it throws how miserable he is into sharp relief when he goes back to it. I like his breakdown after Thua exposes him to the school (and his panicked little face the entire time Thua's talking) - it's so visceral, the way he just folds. And I especially love the coming out scene with his parents - the trepidation on his face, the crying when he thinks his parents will regret having him as a son, the sheer relief when they give the best response parents can give for something like this. And then how much lighter he is after - how much more settled. And I guess I did kind of put a lot of it, if not everything. But the fact that he never got nominated for anything drives me up the wall because WHAT.

Moonlight Chicken - Every argument with Wen. First did a great job here embodying a man who knows that he's already lost his lover but is still holding on with everything he has past the point where it makes sense. It's not a pretty character to play, but First did it so well - the desperation and yeah, patheticness of someone like that. I also really love - again - how when Alan finally gets it through his head that this is done the way he carries himself changes - how he stops looking like he'll snap at any moment and we get to see more glimpses of who he is without this carcass of a relationship.

Only Friends - I have said before and I am sure I will say again that Sand is the best thing I've seen First do to date. I can't get over it. Unlike The Eclipse, though, I have to say that I'm completely unsurprised that he isn't getting recognition for it. *shrug* Sand is not the kind of character that gets the accolades, even if I could have watched First play him for 50 more episodes. For my favorite scenes, well. Of COURSE the scene at the beginning of episode 8, where Sand is so tired and so defeated and still trying to be decent, because his feelings aren't Ray's problem, whatever weird tangle they got into Ray never promised him anything, and so he's shoving it all down as best he can and just trying to get through the conversation without embarrassing himself. Ugh I love it. Like it's just all there in his eyes, in the smallest twitches of his jaw. He says so so so much constantly in his face alone. Another good one is when he takes his revenge on Top - the whole time he's manipulating Ray you can see him watching him like he's a bug under a microscope, but there's also the slightest awkwardness to it, it's clear that this isn't something Sand does. And there's also the air of "screw it, everyone else does what they want, why don't I?" and it's just...so much. Again. He does so much. And last (promise), when Boeing shows up again. Sand's body language is tired, his face says he's about five seconds away from smacking Boeing in his smug face, but he's still reining himself in, being polite, trying to get through it. You can see the conflict, too, between what used to be and what is. I wish we'd had a little more time with that, it still feels rushed to me, but what can you do?

I think for me, it's that I can see the Acting coming through a lot of performances, and it throws me off a bit. But with First, I don't. He never seems to be struggling to embody his characters. You said he was fluid, and I agree with that. He puts these characters on like another skin and it's *fascinating*. Also (and this is definitely my First Thing speaking but) he has chemistry with *everyone*, it's insane.

I do hope to see him get more recognition in future. I don't how likely that is when his form of acting isn't really the type that gets the buzz, but you never know. I am looking forward to seeing him as Kant, for sure. I want to see him with Babe and Style especially, those relationships have the potential to showcase very different sides of Kant than the smitten suitor I'm sure he'll be playing whenever Bison is around. I am also curious to see how he is with Fadel when they're alone.

As much as I love talking about how pretty First is (he's so pretty! And as far as anyone knows a total sweetheart which is even better), can we talk about how ridiculously talented he is? He just becomes his characters like sliding on a second skin, it's insane. And the microexpressions and subtle changes in his eyes...I feel like it's such an underappreciated form of acting but he does it so well I never want to stop watching him. And he just keeps getting better and better. I can't wait to see what he does with Kant. Everyone keeps saying that these characters are different from what they've done before so im so curious. And also I'm just ready to have a flirty First character on my screen again.

Well, anon - where do you want to start? I’m going to say upfront, I’m not the most eloquent writer in writing meta or analysing any actors acting capability or their characters on screen.

There are other blogs who write all these beautiful meta re: The Eclipse and Only Friends. @bird-inacage wrote many thoughtful analysis of them. Please feel free to read them. Other links: Link 1. But also, just search for “The Eclipse meta” or “Only Friends meta” and so many good commentary from various blogs will pop up. You may agree or disagree with them but I personally find it fun to read through what other people think of the series and the characters in general.

Anyway, back to your topic of the greatness of First Kanaphan as an actor. I agree with all your statements regarding his acting capabilities.

I am entranced whenever First is on screen - whether he played a suppressed queer teenager in high school or the broken, lonely banker to the gruff bar singer with the heart of gold.

His eyes are expressive and the control he has over his facial muscles…exquisite 👌. The way he shifts from one expression to another with us (the viewers) being able to tell them without that much of a change? - it’s definitely a wow everytime I see it. I mentioned previously in a different ask I find First fluid in his acting.

People will argue his character in Not Me (Yok) is the best out of his current projects. I will argue otherwise.

Yes, Yok allowed First to showcase his poweress in acting. First as Yok was able to show massive range from being loud, stubbornly opinionated, flirty (or slutty in First’s own words) etc. before we see him ultimately breakdown when he got betrayed. Definitely A-class acting 👍.

However as Akk, then Alan followed by Sand - these characters are more reserved at baseline and not as “colourful” of a character as Yok. And to some extent, these roles are more challenging (for any actors) to showcase “range” as they need to be able to internally express it without big emotive or gesture.

But the way First embodied them - with just a slight twitch of his jaw, tightness around his lips or when he allowed his eyes to darken with anger or lust (depending on the situation) - we as the viewers can always tell what the character is feeling, and that’s what make him an amazing actor to watch on screen.

And since this is my blog and I can do whatever I want, I’m putting up examples from each series post Not Me:

1) The Eclipse

When Akk first met Ayan in the teacher’s bathroom and saw Ayan’s tattoo - we (and Akk) all got distracted by Ayan’s sexy tattoo. But the quick flick of Akk’s eyes 👀 to that tattoo followed by the slight widening of his eyes and then shifting to hardening his glare while at the same time quick gulp of his throat? - all of that occurred within seconds….and I remember watching this scene thinking oh, Akk definitely has some unwanted thoughts on the new kid

Or when they were wrestling on the judo mat, and Akk pinned Ayan down - teasingly asked the latter to try and free himself. He was smiling down at Ayan but the minute Ayan slide those arms around his neck, the way his smile faded and you can see gay panic in those eyes….

They are of course so many more examples.

2) Moonlight Chicken

There was a previous ask, where that anon said he found Alan the most pathetic character out of all of First’s projects. And I will again reiterate here, with the limited amount of screen time he had, First sparkled whenever he came on screen.

The way you can tell his frustration over his destroyed relationship while trying to cling on it cause he just doesn’t know what he did wrong for Wen was painful for us viewers to watch. And I don’t know about you, my heart breaks for him when he broke down after Wen finally screamed at him that he only slept with Alan cause he felt sorry for him - you can again see the flick/shift from anger in Alan’s face to shock disbelief and humiliation when Wen said that to him. You could see the self-loathing in his face after Wen left the living room. And as he silently cried on the floor of their apartment, I cried with him.

Or when Alan finally had his talk with Wen at the bbq restaurant, you could read the quiet resignation in Alan’s face as Wen finally break it off for good by sliding his promise ring back to him.

3. Only Friends

Even from the first episode, when he brought Ray back to his apartment - after Ray puked his guts out and as Ray snuggled on Sand’s shoulder - you could read the half amusement, half exasperation on his face while they both just sat on that bathroom floor.

Or when Ray finally got his chance with Mew, and Sand saw them dancing in the club. We see the wistful, sad boba eyes of his. And when Ray confronted him outside the bar, that cracked in his voice as he told Ray “you and I were never friends.” - yeah, my heart again breaks for him.

Or how about the angry-lust driven kiss in that music room (before Top interrupted them). You could see the mixture of anger, almost despair in Sand eyes, the tightness in his jaw and you could see the tremble in his lips. But even with all that, us as viewers clocked on how much he loves Ray (Ray knows that too…hence why he pounced and kiss Sand)

Anyway, like you, I’m looking forward to seeing more of him as Kant - I have no doubt we will see him nail it as a flirt (or as First keeps insisting, sugar daddy?). However, I’m also looking forward to see his interactions with Babe, Style and Fadel cause I’m sure we will be blessed with more masterclass in microexpression!

[coolnightmarerunaway]

June 7th, 2023

The bullshit he started pulling with Kathleen was after Kathleen got uncomfortable about the situation between Jason and I.. (noticed after reading writings)

I wonder if Brianna was a response to Mike.

Which makes me wonder who was Kim for?

I'm looking at the posts. I'm reading them from the bottom up. Every fucking time we got together after I walked away in June 2022, something happened, every time. He wanted to go on a wicked walk, he made it miserable. he invited himself on my walking trail, he made himself miserable. even sitting having coffee, he made himself miserable. every fucking time.

I walked away on June 1st because he was consistently miserable.

He even tried to destroy Hot August nights.. turns out I had a wicked time at Hot August nights. Chris kept me company at the exciting end.

I believe after that, I just stopped paying attention...

I read in one of these posts, he tried to kiss me in May 2022. I would really like to know how that came about. I don't remember.

From my writings I can confirm on two separate occasions, it seems he hit on me, all hell broke loose. Oct 2021, May 2022, Feb or March 2023, Probably March 🤷‍♀️

I know he came over to my house one night. I can't remember if it was February or March 2023. No writings on it. According to Facebook messages he was trying to argue with me before April 14th. Prior to that he was writing to me after 7:00 when he knew I wouldn't respond. (He heard me telling Kathleen seven and eight was too late for me) Then cry about about not hearing from me the next day.

Relationship discontinued April 24th 2023 after head incident.

I don't know what happened between August and December. Other than what appears to be a bunch of rubbish... I'm going to check notes...

August 10th 2022

He said he should have been downtown for the gay pride parade. I said why. He mentioned topless young women dancing on top of floats. I happen to mention the naked bike ride. He looked over joyous to which I responded, it's not what you think. He responded with something along the lines of he doesn't know why I think he is always something to do with sex 🤷so on and so forth.. I'm the only one he speaks with. I simply sat there squinting at him, like you've got to be f****** kidding me bud. I can only assume this was a show for Jason.

Let me check his last maneuver

Everyday there is something

One day he lied about mustang man talking to him. When in fact mustang man was talking to me.

Another time he used gidget to cut me off in his own stupid conversation..

August 21st 2022

We ran into each other a week later

He said hello.. I looked. Was with Terry 🙂

Written date Sept 5th :

Tuesday - conversation about Don and such

Wednesday 31 - motor vehicle branch & bike rally

Saturday - few minutes of chit chat

(I remember the day of the motor vehicle branch in the bike rally. We got pissed on 😃 I was surprised we went up to the bike rally. Looks like the bike rally was August 31st.

He pretty much, he insisted on taking me to the motor vehicle branch, it was different. (I remember that feeling I got when he behaved in a certain way.. funny how I just felt it with that memory)

October 17 dated

Oct 11 - asking how I feel

October 12 - had conversation at Timmy's

"I don't do anything wrong" -

October 16th - showed up at my house. Stayed till 2:00 a.m.... said he saw Brianna driving her mother's gray SUV about 2 days ago. (Everyone knows her mother has a black SUV) When I mentioned Jason spotted a gray SUV in the driveway the night of the storm, he looked like he did when I took the shot at him about doing no wrong. (Caught/guilty/wrong) He also informed me on Friday which would have been October 14th he had a conversation with his wife about how somebody should move out. I asked what she said and he simply said she agreed. (There was something written after this that implied a potential lie to Jason about Brianna's whereabouts)

----

During hurricane Fiona Mike offered me heaters. There was a situation with Ray over this. Ray told me he was keeping an eye on me multiple times. I can't remember the day of hurricane Fiona but I was without power for 12 days. I don't believe I ever saw Ray, really. Even mustang man offered me heaters.

This reminds me of a party I attended. Mike purposely had me sit by him. When Ray showed up Mike looked at Ray and asked him what was wrong. I think that was the night Ray opened the iced tea and I pointed out it was alcohol ... This might have been the night Brian was drunk... Kathleen was at this party she brought the tea. it was in Chris's cooler.

I'm starting to understand why I have no idea what was going on with Ray. I had a friend visiting from out of town, then hurricane Fiona.. 😆

I remember Ray asking me if Terry was my friend from out west. 😃

-----

I think it said November 26th we went to breakfast and membertou. I think that was the day we got stoned, in the yard. It was way too early. That was the day. I still have the photo. It was raining that day.. Just like the bike rally. I like rain. He is not a fan.

I guess rain makes events more memorable. My father and I always enjoyed the rain.

---

December 11th he showed up I was sitting with george. He walked around the back of the cars and came up between the middle of Crystal and Jason's car hopped into Crystal's SUV never said a word or acknowledge the fact that Chris myself and George were present

Showed up at my house at approximately 8:18 p.m. I left Horton's at approximately 7:30

Dec 14

I was in a bad mood due to power outage. Al was being stupid. Ray said something about sending me a message on Facebook and that he hadn't received a response. He said, I didn't know your power was out that means you didn't have any Internet. I replied, no really. (He did indeed receive a response. It was his morning text I didn't write back to) When we all got out the car Ray asked what was wrong. I said it's far too much stupidity for this early in the morning. I went and sat in my own car. When AI left Ray went in for his coffees. He went to his vehicle then came over. He asked me if I was going in the store, I said yes. He asked if I was going in to have a meeting. I asked what he was talking about. I told him I went to Hortons to drink coffee and charge my phone. I walked in the store. He was gone. (Stupidity with Brandon too)

Dec 15

He arrived early morning and stayed in his car until Al arrived. I mostly spoke to Al... Ray suggested I sit in. Nope!

Dec 16

He arrived and you wouldn't even have known it. At no point did he even so much as walk by the car. I was sitting with George

🥣🥣🥣🥣🥣

I truly don't understand how him and I even ended up together on New Year's eve. This is nuts. This is truly insane lol

---_---

Reading through this, either Ray was sleeping with Brianna or she is indeed a response, to Mike!

Mike lends me a heater. Ray tells me Brianna is driving a gray suv. The only one that owns the gray SUV, is Ray. Was he trying to cover his SUV in her driveway the night of the storm, or simply lying 🤷‍♀️

I wonder, if Ray and I ever got along.. it certainly doesn't seem like it.

[reki-of-the-valley]

Boy Like a Fading Dream

A part two of the uni AU? More like a "I wanted to characterize the Langa of this AU". Wrote it a couple of days ago but didn't want to back-to-back post, just give a few days for the first part to settle in.

Find it on AO3 here!

Context: For his skills on a snowboard, Langa landed himself a scholarship. But he hates it. He hates his studies. He hates the athletic training. He just wants to go back to the time when it was fun, racing his dad to the bottom of the mountain.

“Where’s dad?”

Langa lets his bag hit the ground with a thud as he kicks off his shoes. His mother is in the living room; she’s cutting carrots in front of some sitcom. She lifts her head to smile at her son as soon as he enters her line of sight.

“How was your day, baby?”

Langa sighs as he crashes next to her. He feels her watch him as he picks up a carrot from the bowl before snapping it in half between his teeth. He feels her gaze, just as heavy as his eyelids are.

“Tiring.”

It’s all he manages to say to her. It’s all he finds to say. Tiring. His days are always just tiring.

“Did you have fun at practice?”

Fun? Langa barely remembers what that feels like. Fun, it feels like a foreign word now. He knows he must have felt it in the past, the thrill of gliding down the snowy slopes, but now it’s anything but fun. Snowboarding isn’t fun anymore, especially when there’s no snow outside. Especially when he’s cooped up in a gym rather than out on the open mountains.

So was training fun? No. No, it wasn’t.

“It was fine,” he lies. He can’t tell his mother how much he hates it. He can’t tell her when it’s what’s paying for his education – an education he also hates. “The usual, you know.”

Nanako pats his arm, her smile sweet and ever so motherly. “That’s good, baby. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”

Langa sucks in a breath as his mother presses a kiss to his hair. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. If only she knew how big a lie that was. He would have done anything to just quit everything right now and lay in bed for the next ten years. Everything lost its appeal. If only everything could stop just for a moment, just for a minute, just enough time for Langa to catch his breath.

“Dad’s not home yet, is he?”

Nanako shakes her head. “He’s staying late tonight. He has a project that’s due, I think, tomorrow? Something about his team not being up-to-date so he has to stay late.”

Langa sighs again as he straightens out on the couch. He grabs another carrot before getting up to fetch his bag.

“I have to go study.”

Nanako doesn’t say anything as he leaves to climb the stairs that lead to his bedroom. Langa knows she’s watching him, watching his every move, but she doesn’t say anything. Maybe she can sense his disappointment. Maybe she knows that he’s lying to her.

Langa crashes in his bed, slinging his bag at the end of his mattress where it bounced before falling among the pile of dirty clothes he’s thrown aside. His room is a mess, but he can’t bring himself to clear out his trash. He’s already in a deficit of energy when just doing his mundane daily tasks. So he crashes among his pillows and pulls out his phone.

It's automatic, the swiping left and clicking on the app. It’s become a routine, crashing in bed and opening Instagram to scroll mindlessly. Langa doesn’t actually care for what’s on his screen, he just needs something to do, something to make him forget about the emptiness that’s formed in his chest.

So he scrolls. Pictures of old friends from high school, professional pictures and reels of snowboarders, screenshots of old Tumblr posts, reels of animals being cute, Langa scrolls through them all. He scrolls, scrolls until everything on his phone becomes a big blur. He scrolls until his phone slips from his fingers, falling flat on his face.

Another sigh as he turns to his side. His phone rests against his pillow as he goes back to scrolling. Always scrolling, numbing everything he’s ever felt. Because Langa does feel. He feels a million things, but none of those feelings are good. Frustration, loneliness, exhaustion, the list can go on. He hates all his feelings, especially that hollow feeling of disappointment that has been growing over the past year or so.

A notification pulls Langa out of his mindless scrolling. He usually ignores them, swiping them away, but for some reason, this one catches his attention. For some reason, he clicks it rather than get rid of it. The flash of red catches his attention.

.MechanicStarReki. – Suggested for you

Langa squints at his screen. The name doesn’t ring a bell but the face seems familiar. Familiar, but he can’t pinpoint where exactly it is that he’s seen it. His memory of the familiar face is hazy, like that of a dream starting to fade as morning takes shape. Familiar yet so foreign.

Langa scrolls through the profile, careful to not make his presence known. Most of the captions are in Japanese and he can’t find it in himself to decipher their meaning. He knows with a little effort, and maybe a little help from a translator app or from his mother, he could read the words, but he doesn’t bother. He contents himself with the scarce English. He contents himself with the many pictures of a boy with red hair.

The last post dates back a few weeks, a set of pictures with the caption “See you for Christmas.” The pictures show the redhead hugging who Langa assumes to be his sisters. They all look too much alike for them to not be family. Langa swipes between the pictures, taking in the scene: two school-aged girls cling to the boy, identical in all ways except the color of their dresses. He’s hugging them, a wide grin stretching across his face. Langa swipes again. Another girl is shown in the picture – she must be around 15. She’s pouting, but the sun reflects against the tears that had started to form at the corner of her eyes as she hugs the boy. Her eyes are the same color as his, a deep amber color that Langa knows he’s seen somewhere. He knows he's seen the boy, but he also knows it’s impossible. He can’t have seen him, not with the location associated with the picture: Okinawa, Japan. There’s no way he’s ever seen this boy; Langa’s only been to Japan once, the summer before he started high school.

Langa moves on from the set of pictures. He scrolls down, analyzing everything that has been posted over the years. Skateboards, sketches of various types, doodles, the boy with his friends, more of his family. Langa always pauses on the pictures of him. He always squints at him as if that would help him remember where he’s seen him.

A part of Langa knows that this is obsessive behavior, that he should just let it go, but he needs to know. He needs to know where he’s seen those faded freckles against sun-kissed skin. He needs to know where he’s seen those bright amber eyes. He needs to know where he’s seen that lopsided grin. He needs to know where he’s seen this boy, this boy that feels like a fading dream.

Does he resemble an actor from one of his mother’s shows, the Japanese ones she puts on while she cooks? No, that’s not it. He’s too young to look like any of those actors. Anyway, Langa never pays attention to the actors on the screen; he only knows the story because his mother has been following the ridiculous drama for years now. So the boy doesn’t just look like someone Langa might have seen on tv.

Does he look like an athlete Langa’s watched perform time after time, desperately trying to analyze his technique in hopes of recreating whatever is being done? No, it isn’t that either. Langa never recognizes the athletes, even when they tell him they've been competing against each other for years. He remembers their boards, but never their faces. So it isn’t that.

No matter how much Langa rakes his brain, he can’t find where it is that he’s seen the grin, the bright eyes, the freckles. Maybe the boy really is a figment of his imagination, a face given to a faceless dream that comes back every so often. Maybe he’s caught a glance of someone who looks like him in the street, or maybe it’s just a mere coincidence that the boy Langa’s made up looks like him, a mixture of a bunch of features that gave someone real. Or maybe Langa is delusional from his lack of sleep.

Langa drops his phone as his door is pushed open. He knows his mother knocked, but when he gets lost in his own little world, nothing else exists. Nothing exists until his bubble bursts.

“Langa sweetheart?” Nanako is standing in the doorway. She's looking at him, a slight frown pulling at the corners of her mouth. Her usual worry is evident in her features. “Is everything alright?”

Langa shifts, pushing his legs off of his bed to sit up. He nods at his mother, his words failing him. He hates how he finds himself unable to speak.

“Are you sure?” She shifts her weight to the side. Worry. “I’ve been calling you to set the table for the past 10 minutes now.”

Langa blinks at his mother before apologizing. He hadn’t heard her, he says. He had gotten lost in his own little world. He’s sorry, he’ll be down in a minute to set the table.

“Langa.” Nanako’s voice pierces through him as he fishes his phone out from under his pillow. “Are you sure nothing’s bothering you?”

Langa almost cracks. He almost tells her. He almost admits that he hates everything he’s doing. He almost admits that he hates going to school. He almost admits that he hates training. He almost admits that the thing he hates most is himself. Almost, but he doesn’t. He wouldn’t be able to survive the disappointed look on his mother’s face. He knows she would understand, that she’d tell him he’s allowed to quit, that she would support him no matter what, but he also knows she would be disappointed.

So he just smiles at her, that closed-mouthed smile he’s been practicing for years.

“I’m just tired.”

Nanako nods before making her way to him. She holds him tightly against herself, the warm embrace of a mother. And for a moment, Langa doesn’t hate himself.

“If you’re tired, I can bring your food up. You don’t have to eat downstairs if it’s too much.”

Langa shakes his head. Dinnertime is the only time of the day where he can spend time with his parents. Between classes and training, he’s barely ever home. It’s the only time where things feel normal, like they were back in the day when Langa was young, doing homework at the kitchen table while his mother cooked, explaining to him what he had to do. It’s the only time where he feels like they’re a family again.

“Just give me a minute and I’ll be down.”

Nanako sighs as she steps away from him, nodding. A small, tired smile pulls at the corner of her mouth as she turns back to him, halfway through the door.

“You promise you’d tell me if something was bothering you?”

Langa nods, promising, but the promise is hollow, his fingers crossed behind his back. It’s broken before even being uttered because Langa knows that he can’t make that promise. There’s just no way that he can promise such a thing. He can’t bring himself to tell anyone about how he feels. But still, he smiles and nods at his mother as she makes her way out of his room, down the stairs, back to the kitchen. He smiles until he can’t bear it anymore and crystal tears fall from his eyes, fall right onto the picture of the grinning boy in his phone, the phone he's been gripping so tightly.

[johnbroutledge]

But also re: the Madney baby being about Madney, their fam being apparently not great must also factor into the "I'm scared bit" (I've seen a lot of people think it's a medical issue but honestly I don't think so, I think Maddie is terrified that between her parents and Doug she *shouldn't* be a mom and her arc is going to be seeing that people traumatizing you doesn't make you a bad or broken person and that she and Chim will be great parents and that she isn't doomed to be her parents OR Doug)

cont: To clarify bc I ran out of characters, I don't think survivors of abuse should not be parents; I just think it's a common response to believe yourself "broken" and that watching Maddie work through those fears to realize her own potential and heal would be really really good to see on screen

You know what, everything you said here just FEELS like it rings true to me. Just speaking as someone who grew up....in a very toxic home and then have been in friendships and relationships my whole life that like...kind of taught me I was worthless, that is 100% one of the reasons why parenthood is something I really hesitate on even considering being a part of my future. The fear of being too damaged or inherently a bad person and thus being JUST LIKE my parents and making my kids life miserable is one that.....yeah. Yeah. So I can definitely see Maddie potentially feeling that way as well, and it breaks my damn heart. She’s fucking incredible and so full of love and light despite all the bad shit she’s been through and she would NEVER be anything less than an absolutely incredible mom, but I understand completely, and all too personally, why she might be afraid of motherhood because of her past and what she’s been taught to believe about herself. 

I just. All I want for both Maddie and Chim is for this to be a peaceful, healthy, joyful experience, and a huge part of this incredible love-filled life that they deserve to have with one another. I don’t want the drama, I don’t want anything bad, I just want them to be happy. But if that is what Maddie’s afraid of, kudos to the writers for having that very real element of abuse survival in there. I just hope that she’s able to overcome that with the love and help of those around her and see that she’s gonna be amazing. Let my babies be happy 2021. 

[eyesontheskyline]

(about the whole fic writer asks, except those answered now) the story specific ones have to be about 'but if you really hold me tight' - I love all your cxg fics and it's the longest one :D) it's just I'm thinking of getting back to writing and since you're of my favorites authors out there now i'd love to get some insight. kudos for being cool about it!

Hello!  Okay first of all thank you so much, that is a ridiculously big compliment and my face hurts.  And yes yes yes you should definitely write if you feel like writing - just go for it!  If you have any specific questions or you want a pep talk or whatever, message any time :) 

Okay I’m gonna put these under a Read More because wall of text.

2) What fandoms do you write for and do you have a particular favourite if you write for more than one?Right now only Crazy Ex Girlfriend.  I wrote for Criminal Minds under a different name then had a gap of several years.  I’m pretty far removed from CM now but I can safely say writing for CXG has been a nicer experience community wise (partly a smaller fandom thing and I suspect partly a demographic thing), and there’s more established character stuff to work with because all the character development isn’t like…  Crammed in the five minutes they have to work with either side of the crime solving.

3) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.I don’t really do either, but reader inserts are kind of a squick of mine honestly, so I’m gonna say OCs.  I’ve only written OC kids though.

4) What is your favourite genre to write for?I am not entirely sure what this means…  Fic genre?  Original media genre?  I have only ever written romance or friendship stuff for TV shows, an odd balance of fluff and angst?

5) If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?Mmm let the sun inside has a special place in my heart because it was the thing that got me back into writing after a really long gap and turned out pretty much how I wanted it to.  Writing it was just a very intense ‘I am writing again and my brain is on fire’ experience for me.

7) When is your preferred time to write?I would love to have a less dysfunctional answer to this, but probably between 1 and 4am unfortunately?  That can’t be a thing on work nights because I get up at 6.30.  If I can get myself on a roll early afternoon in a coffee shop though, that’s a better feeling.  Just… Less common than ‘the rest of the world around me is asleep and my brain just woke up’.

8) Where do you take your inspiration from?Oh everywhere.  The media I write fic about.  The stories I read.  My life, my friends.  The world.

9) In but if you really hold me tight, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote?Oh god I really don’t know.  This story is really hard for me to have perspective on because of the ridiculously time pressured way I wrote and published it.  I’m probably proudest of chapter 12, where they discuss the ‘do we want a baby’ question properly, because that just…  Is an important conversation that you don’t really see in media?  I’m not sure it’s the best writing in the story, but I’m glad I didn’t chicken out of it.  I also enjoyed writing Rebecca meeting Plimpton Senior in chapter 19, because that feels like an opportunity the show missed and I will never see enough versions of it in fic honestly.  (Do you have a favourite?)

10) In but if you really hold me tight, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind?That one was pretty much always going to end where it did – just because of the format, it was always going to end in a fluffy happy place around midnight on the 1st of January 2021. The last chapter was going to be longer originally, with more characters getting a moment, but it was just getting kind of unfocused – Rebecca POV can handle tone shifts pretty well I think because of the way her brain is wired, but at some point it all just got a bit messy so I pared it back.  I think I’m pleased with how it turned out, but the chaos of writing it is still fresh enough that it’s hard to tell!

11) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?Nah, but I’ve fixed typos (thank you @what-the-elle-n!)

13) Who is your least favourite character to write for? Why?I find Valencia and Paula pretty difficult.  I love them, but I struggle.

14) How did you come up with the title - You can ask about multiple stories.(Since it says multiple and since I only have 3 currently…)  Everything I’ve published for CXG so far has had song lyric titles – mostly because I am not good at poetic turns of phrase, and I like lyricists who are.  (I’m also not a particularly romantic person, and I like lyricists who are!)

let the sun inside is from Ribcage by elbow.  The full line is ‘I wanted to explode – to pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside’, which feels to me like that feeling of having bottled everything up for so long that you just can’t feel anything anymore until you kind of break down and come out the other side?  And Rebecca = sunshine, so.  That is basically the premise of the story, so that was a stroke of luck.

the landing light is from K2 by elbow (I swear I listen to other music, they just have words that really lend themselves to fanfic titles lol).  I have a whole meta thing written to publish alongside the last chapter about why this song for this story, but basically the line is ‘Dickhead’s done a runner and he’s wondering if anyone cares – is the landing light on?’ which is just someone far from home feeling a bit stupid and homesick and wondering if there’s anybody waiting at home for him.  And of course Nathaniel comes home to a totally miserable situation and there Rebecca is.

but if you really hold me tight…  It had to be a lyric from a Christmas song, preferably one Frank Sinatra sang at some point, because that was the playlist I started listening to in mid-October while outlining this madness.  So it’s from Let It Snow, obviously, although that exact line is not in that version, ssshhhhhh (he sings ‘but if you’ll only hold me tight’).  I chose it because R&N being a team and getting through stuff together in a mostly-fluff-but-not-entirely way was kind of what I was aiming for, and it just felt like it fit.

15) If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?I kind of have an OC coming up in a story I’m writing now, and I just… Knew who named them, and tried to choose a name those people would choose.  I don’t really do OCs much in fic, but in not-fic (it’s been a while!) I try to go for a name that (1) means something, and importantly (2) I can imagine their parents having named them.

16) How did you come up with the idea for but if you really hold me tight?So a writer I used to read a lot from the Criminal Minds fandom did a Christmas fic a couple of years in a row – one short, mostly fluffy chapter for each day from the 1st-25th of December.  So that was the plan.  Except as soon as I started outlining it, I knew I couldn’t write an entire month fluffy and problem-free for these two (for anyone, but especially these two), so short and fluffy didn’t stick!

17) Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.“I’ve gotten better at a lot of things since you’ve been away, but my self-deception skills have taken a real hit.”

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?Yeah, I abandoned a few Criminal Minds fics.  I still feel bad about them actually – I get comments on them occasionally. (On the offchance anyone reading this is someone who feels nervous about commenting on old stories – these delight me in ways you cannot imagine.)  I ran out of steam in a lot of ways – I started them without any real idea where I was going and wrote myself into a corner, mostly, but also I was starting to really struggle to write unprompted.  I am not the most mentally well person, and I just got my brain into this spirally tangle where I thought nobody wanted to read anything they hadn’t asked for, so I filled a lot of prompts but couldn’t convince myself to write anything else.  It feels really weird to think about that now, which I guess is a good sign…

19) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?I toy with following the emotional arc of S4 but following let the sun inside sometimes – that was the plan, when I originally finished it and was panicking that I would never get another idea.  Also, but if you really hold me tight created a world of warm domesticity for R&N that I felt really sad leaving behind, so I would probably like to write in the timeline again.  And the landing light might get a oneshot sequel, depending on whether I end it the way I think I’m going to or the way I was originally planning to…

20) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?No, not in this fandom.  I’ve only written two endings though!  I’ve ended on some real cheeseball final lines in the past though.

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?@heartbash, who can do plot and slow-burn in a way my impatient ass will never be capable of.  @justwanted2dance who deserves a million flame emojis and writes BDSM stuff in a way that makes my anxious brain comfy enough to enjoy it (literally nobody else has achieved this).  @pictureofsoph1sticatedgrace who writes the loveliest fluff and is a badass individual.  @notbang and @anthropologicalhands and @catty-words and @akisazame and @romansuzume who write beautifully and can do those poetic turns of phrase I am not good at.  I’ve got to be forgetting someone but wowww there is so much talent and creativity in this lil room.  So many people to be inspired by.

22) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?God yes, but not in this fandom.  It’s fine, 19 or 20 year old me, you were learning.

23) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?Silence.  Or like white noise or the Hufflepuff Common Room 10 hour ASMR video on youtube or something lol.  Anything with words just ruins me – my attention span is laughable.

25) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?Ha yes actually, but I’m really not entirely sure why.  Sometimes my brain is just a really weird place to be.

26) Which part of but if you really hold me tight was the hardest to write?It depends how you measure hardest, I guess.  Several of the smut scenes just said ‘[insert sex]’ for the longest time, sometimes with descriptions?  So like ‘[insert feelingsy sex]’ or whatever lol.  In terms of getting voices right (like to the point of still being unsure whether it’s any good), this gurl group chapter.  

27) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?It really depends.  Usually I know roughly where I’m going and how I’m getting there and that’s good enough for me, but my NaNo fic got an outline because of the format and timescale. And I’m planning a thing with an actual plot arc (gasp!) so that’s getting an outline, in the hope of making it look vaguely romance novel shaped.  Basically it depends on the length of the thing for me, and how plotty it is.

28) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fanfiction?Writing advice: if you’re struggling to move past a particular point, the thing you need to change is probably a few lines back.  It’s rarely the last line that painted you into the corner. If you think something needs to come out, paste it into an outtakes document – you might want to put it somewhere else later, or salvage lines from it or whatever, and it’s just easier to let go if you’re not actually hitting delete.

Posting advice: remember fandom is community – everyone is here because they love the thing you love.  They’re gonna be excited there’s a new story to read, and they’re rooting for you!  (Write the thing!)

29) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?Nahh I mean, it’s a smaallll fandom.

30) In contrast to 29 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?Again, smaaalll.  (Also I try not to publicly eye roll at things other people love even if they are my things – there’s nothing quite like loving a song just for the band to be like ‘ugh I fucking hate that song’, so I always try to keep that in mind.)

31) Send me a fic recommendation and I’ll post it for my followers to see! (The asker is to send the rec not the answerer)You did not send me a rec!  Feel free to send me one now!  In fact, open call, everyone send me fic recs, even if I’ve definitely read them.

32) Are any of your characters based on real people?Mm no I don’t do OCs.

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?I mean, I enjoyed hearing that someone read my story in the corner at a party lol, especially because it was a chapter I was pretty pleased with and nervous about.  Also any time anybody says something I wrote is a headcanon or ‘this should have happened in the show’ is a glittery feeling. When somebody notices a little clue or detail that isn’t obvious, it makes me ridiculously happy.  Humans reading my thing then saying something about it is still crazy, so, yeah.

34) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?Story time: my old fandom has this one character who has a lot of pretty hardcore stans.  I mostly dislike the word stan but like…  Yeah.  So anyway, I got an email saying I had a new comment on my ficlet collection (keeping in mind I was in my ‘very unhealthy relationship with feedback’ stage at this point), and clicked on it all happy, and all it said was ‘I didn’t read this because another comment said it doesn’t contain enough *stanned character* and you really should warn people upfront that he isn’t gonna be in it, I’m glad I didn’t waste my time on it’.  Which was just…  A bizarre comment.  Like, commenting to say you didn’t read the thing is weird in itself, but also you list the characters who are in the thing, not all the ones who aren’t?? Anyway, I then went on my tumblr and I had several anon messages that were just straight up hate along the same lines and…  Yeah.  The Criminal Minds fandom was a strange place. On a related note, have I told you today that I love you, CXG people?  I love you.

35) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?I am basically always up with talking stuff through with people.

36) Can you give us a spoiler for one of your WIP’s?This is actually difficult to do right now.  There’s a baby?

37) What’s the funniest story you’ve written?I mean, I made myself laugh a couple of times in my festive fic, but I’m more of a ‘this one line is funny’ writer than a ‘this story is funny’ writer.  I’m too angsty!

38) If you could collab with any other writer on here, who would it be? (Perhaps this question will inspire some collabs!) If you’re shy, don’t tag the blog, just name it.This question is faaar too terrifying.  I’ve actually never collabed with anyone, I’d love to though.

39) Do you prefer first, second or third person?Third.  I think because I’ve only written for TV shows, no matter how closely you’re following one character, if you’re seeing them on a screen, you’re in third person.  So it’s just an extra struggle to make that jump to another POV for me.  I have written my not-fanfic mostly in first though, and I’ve read some lovely fic in first and second.  I’m just not good at it.

40) Do people know you write fanfiction?One person.

41) What’s your favourite minor character you’ve written?Hmmmm who is minor, really?  I find AJ difficult but fun.

43) Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it?I don’t write anything plotty enough for this to be a thing!

44) What is the last line you wrote?“Mm, because you know how irresistible your weird old timey voices are.”

45) What spurs you on during the writing process?I want people to read the thing, honestly.  It’s a ‘reach out my lonely haaand’ moment with a little less melodrama.  I want it to be out in the world doing what it’s meant to do.  I also want it to be finished so I can read it – I get a very particular kind of happy feeling from reading a good sentence I wrote.

46) I really loved but if you really hold me tight. If you were ever to do a sequel, what do you think might happen in it?Lol it felt really weird to type that in there when you didn’t actually say it directly, but you said all so here we are!  I’m just gonna take that compliment even though I wrote it…  When I started coming to the end of writing that story, I started to feel really sad about leaving behind the warm domestic feel of it, so if I ever feel more domestic fluff coming on, probably it’ll be set after that.  

47) Here’s a fic title - insert a made up title. What would this story be about?You did not insert a made up title!  Although insert a made up title has potential for Rebecca hounding everyone she knows to help her title a song she wrote.

48) What’s your favourite trope to write?Is ‘let’s have an actual conversation about this’ a trope because that’s my brand so far!  I haven’t written anything particularly tropey, I don’t think, although the pull of ‘omg there was only one bed’ is strong right now!

49) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?Yes!  It was a Criminal Minds fic, Hotch/Prentiss, canon compliant (ish) missing scenes kind of deal.  I can’t remember the first CXG fic I read, which is ridiculous because it was a lot more recent.  I started writing CXG fic before I started looking for it, because I hadn’t been inspired to write in so long that I didn’t want to scare myself away.  I read some before publishing, but I can’t remember where I started.

50) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?I can only dream of being mentally stable enough to have a consistent answer to this lol.  Angst comes more naturally to me, but writing angsty characters into happy situations is one of the ways I make sense of the world, so…  Fluff, maybe, as long as I can keep the characters screwed up, because they just…  Are.  And like, same.

[allthebooksbefore]

the layover / lucie waldon

book #30 of 2021 started: december 28th finished: january 11th

what it's about:

"after ten years as a flight attendant, ava greene is poised to hang up her wings and finally put down roots. she's got one trip left before she bids her old life farewell, and she plans to enjoy every second of it. but then she discovers that former pilot jack stone - the absurdly gorgeous, ridiculously cocky man she's held a secret grudge against for years - is on her flight. and he has the nerve to flirt with her, as if he doesn't remember the role he played in the most humiliating night of her life. good thing she never has to see him again after they land... but when their plane encounters mechanical problems, what should have been a quick stop at the belize airport suddenly becomes a weekend layover. getting stuck on a three-hour flight with her nemesis was bad enough. being stranded with him at a luxury resort in paradise? even with the sultry breeze and white sand to distract her, it will take all the rum punch in the country to drown out his larger-than-life presence. yet the more time ava spends with him under the hot caribbean sun, the more she begins to second-guess everything she thought she knew about him ... and everything she thought she wanted from her life. and all too soon, she might have to choose between keeping her feet on the ground and her head in the clouds...."

thoughts:

my notes have been stuck in my drafts for six months lol so i'm going to do my best with this. book was fast paced but definitely slow burn. well-written; had a certain poetic-ness to it at times. it wasn't a bad read, so don't let the following mislead you necessarily, but by the end of the book i was just so annoyed with the two main love interests, especially ava, and i think that tainted my view a bit. would definitely try something else by this author, but this book wasn't a favorite.

obviously, as the two main characters, i was rooting for ava and jack to get together... but she was engaged to another guy nearly the entire time. though not the right guy for her, it created a kind of dark cloud around the whole thing as a reader - jack was really starting to enjoy ava's company, trying to get to know her, making her feel some type of way... she didn't even tell gen, the other flight attendant on the trip, that she was engaged because she didn't want to rub it in her face. girl come on... what kind of shitty excuse is that? jack's anger when he found out was totally valid, especially since his ex was a habitual liar/cheater and ava was really kinda toeing the line with the timing between her ending things with her fiancé and hooking up with jack. also, the pure disdain ava had for jack for most of the novel really got old quick. she was totally right to be cautious of him because of the rumors she heard and the circumstances surrounding how they first met... but she was so genuinely mean to him based on pure conjecture when it was became clear as day that jack wasn't the guy she was making him out to be.

switching gears, i thought it was sad that she was so adamant to not live the vagabond life she did as a kid by restricting herself of the things she enjoys, like her job, adventure, traveling, finding true love. learn from what wasn't so great about your upbringing and make positive changes sis. some of the stuff she griped about was akin to walking around with your shoes untied all day, trying to convince yourself you're having the best time, while you're actually miserable because you can't do anything without tripping or falling. just tie your shoes?