#Also he isn't aware I am ill and in and out of the hospital or that I already was ill when we still talked

[jokeringcutio]

u should do arthur harrow / evil, condescending, manipulative

do you like a big bully /that is good in bed?

u should do arthur harrow / evil, condescending, manipulative I should. It's about time we get some more Harrow content again.

do you like a big bully /that is good in bed? I don't know. I never tried one. 🙃

[gardeningintrests]

humans are weird- mental health

now that i think about it, everyone and every living thing will have severe mental health issues upon being put in a bad situation or environment, like how dogs and cats will sometimes get anxious and yell and bite at you if you are a bad owner. and how some plants will be scared when you are a person who has done harm to it before.

so now I wonder, will aliens or other species and life tackle this mental health thing? or do they, like animals and plants, just think it's some form of instinct?

lets see how this goes baby

(also, my apologies for the weird English and maybe a switch between the UK and US ver of the language)

as the Terrans announce they have made a station at a dwarf planet near the Intergalactic Transportation Centre (ITC) that specializes in the form of psychology hospital for checkups and therapy sessions.

a few of the more advanced species in the Galactic Union were happy and most of the latter were confused.

psychology? hospital? what is this, do the Terrans think lowly of us so much that they had opened up a "mental hospital"?

upon seeing the rage of 99% of the Galactic Union ( Many species within systems, something like the EU on Earth) because of this newly opened hospital/ clinic/ office that made others feel they are unwell in the head, the Terrans called upon a press conference.

"We have heard of the unhappy feedback of the newly opened office. And I am sure all of you are aware that we humans are one of the sentient species that specializes in biology, especially the brain." The human, dressed in black with a white inner collar shirt paired with a black tie, a way of dressing different from their military, must be one of the Congressmen or a high authority figure.

"We opened this clinic/ hospital/ office because of various reasons. One is because as much more humans are traveling through the galaxies with the crew they are assigned or out on missions and events, we can safely say that more than 30% of our population, are in space, always on the go."

why do the human keep on talking useless speech? why do they not go straight to the point of this conference? such a waste of time.

"However, space travel isn't easy. it isn't quick either. so our kind has to sit through a very long transport, deal with their business, which takes roughly around a few months to a few years, and return back to home world where another long period of transport is needed."

do humans think they are the only ones with this problem? they might be new but they sure are demanding and self-centered aren't they?

"due to this fact, many become homesick and are dealing with chronic depression from the uncomfortable traveling and all the foreign work needed to do. with this and our conducted survey for both our kind and everyone else in the Galactic Union, we have deemed that unfortunately, many of our and your kind are in a very bad situation in terms of mental health "

the human sent everyone who is watching this channel or present a link to a video created by humans ( the link is in the word mental health)

what... what is this? mental health?

upon watching the video, X'aangrak't seemed to understand now. he now understands why humans were so awfully looking all the time.

"because of the risk of illness and the result that comes after we do not wish for our allies and our kind to fall into such a despairing place. we know we are not the only ones with the problem of homesickness, workplace bullying, abuse of power, and many other negative actions. generations, and generations, we and all of the life here have tried the resolve the issue of lives committing suicide acts just to come back to square 1"

the human wasn't wrong, lives are unique, and they are only able to form under the perfect circumstances in a system. so suicide cases is one of the major issues that the council of the Galatic Union has sought to fix

" so we come up with a plan, to not only help our kind but also all of the life that is existing in the Galaxy."

That's a bold move, how is a hospital full of drugs and equipment going to help us? if the issue the Galatic Union can't do anything to resolve this, how do they think they are going to do so?

" as us Terrans, although great at talking, is not so great in terms of communicating our thoughts and feelings. This is very well-known back at homeworld, so humans throughout history have studied how emotions and feelings affect a person and have made effective treatments and even categories of why a specific person is dysfunctional." oh really?

" so, for the sake of yourselves and your kind. the Galatic Union has come this far thanks to all of you. however it is undeniably true that space travel and work, is a heavy subjects that all of us carry inside, the pain sorrow, and tiredness you feel will eventually bring you down to the depths of despair and agony. so for your sake of yourself, give a visit to the new centre we opened, it is specialized in our feeling and emotion.'

...

" Be not afraid of letting your emotions go sometimes, as to be healthy is to cry, and soothe your own person, it is not a shameful act. but a powerful one That, is the end of my conference."

as the human steps down the stage and heads back to the vehicle transport, many reporters tried asking questions and begging for answers, but to no avail. no reply, just like how the humans in speeches and public has been

maybe... maybe i should give the centre a chance...

as X'aangrak't looks outside of his crew ship, with no one to talk to and always alone despite everyone on the ship. while the stars shone brightly outside in the galaxy, there has always been this feeling in his chest, maybe this time

he will feel better

[pianostarinwonderland]

Hi there! I really liked your post on Chapter 7 and Malleus's actions!

Gotta admit I was one of those people whose initial reaction to Chapter 7 part 2 & 3 was "Malleus divorce era", mostly because of the copious amounts of "Malleus is the physical manifestation of every abusive and obsessive boyfriend they talk about in trauma group therapy" takes I've seen over the past 3 years in the tags messing with my perception of how bad the canon situation actually is but I came around eventually.

One thing that really stands out to me is how, in the first part of Chapter 7, Malleus made the active choice to be a good person and do the right thing. He shut down Silver and Sebek and said "If that's what Lilia decided, then we have no right to stop him" and when he reflects on that time he froze the castle over it's clearly visible he, at that point, has no intention to do something like this again. He has learnt 0 coping strategies for these kinds of situations and he has a week (which is like, a blink of an eye for fae especially) to adjust to the loss of one of his closest loved ones. Most of us find a way to deal with grief in some way because we're powerless in the face of it and the only way is through it but I've seen my fair share of very mentally ill people and grieving loved ones and I can name a handful of people I could see pull this off if they had god-like magical powers. Right now, Malleus's idea of what the immediate future was going to be like is radically clashing with a (to him) infinitely worse outcome that his brain has a week to adjust to, so he snaps.

He's basically the "insanely op magic" equivalent of someone with a loved one suddenly ending up on their death bed and they're told "you have about 5 days to say goodbye to them" so they start suggesting all kinds of insane surgeries and hire a mystic healer who advertises they can cure cancer with crystals and call all kinds of specialized hospitals around the world because they can't process the fact that that person is gonna go no matter what. That's the mental state Malleus is in right now even if Lilia probably isn't gonna immediately die in a couple weeks, but there's still a very real possibility Malleus is never going to see him again.

[Reply to this post!]

i am so sorry that i'm only getting to this now :,3 woohoo end of year spring cleaning

also when i finally found the post that was being responded to, i was reading it and i wanted to cringe so bad. it could have been written better :,3 i'm glad you guys liked it though!

on the first long ask, honestly anon, you nailed it really well. i don't really have much to say because yeah... yeah malleus has never learned to properly cope with grief and loneliness. much of it is due to the way he was raised and the lack of social interaction especially prevents him from getting to experience enough and thus hindering his learnings. and you're right. a week is too much to really process for someone like him. it's hard.

and i'm pretty sure lilia is very well aware of this, so it brings to question why he's in a hurry to leave. which in itself supports the current theory going around that he's not actually leaving for retirement, he's leaving because the senate demanded him to.

for the second ask, weelllll not everyone got to understand malleus' extremities, either due to not reading properly or not getting to read his stories at all. and that's how things went bam during the second part of book 7.

[thelampisaflashlight]

Per Aspera Ad Inferi

[A young priest plagued with nightmarish visions makes the difficult decision to seek the counsel of the opposing side. Or, Copia makes an unlikely friend. Discussions of illness (unknown/vague sickness) and death, no one dies though. Not suitable for younger audiences.] Below the cut.

"I am Raphael Gianmarco Baptiste De Lorenzo..." Raphael introduces himself, nervously eyeing the two guards stationed on either side of the door to the room he's been lead into.

They're large and imposing, and if he didn't know better, he'd say one of them is growling...

"...I have come seeking your counsel... I understand if this is an odd request given... Well."

"It wouldn't be the first time one of your lot has come knocking." an older man in a burgundy tracksuit remarks from across a large desk, "Also not the first someone in your position has had a crisis of faith, though it is always a little amusing to see a priest inside the abbey."

Raphael opens his mouth and then closes it with a hum, clearing his throat before clarifying, "It is... not so much a matter of faith, but, rather... I require your... expertise."

He glances once more at the guards.

"They won't hurt you." the man laughs a bit awkwardly, quickly motioning for the pair to give him more space, "I can guess this isn't an... earthly matter from your tone."

"It is... not. No." Raphael takes a deep breath, worrying the seam of his gloves between his fingers, "...But it is a personal one."

A silence falls, and for a moment Raphael feels he might be in real danger as he hears the door behind him open... and then close.

Looking over his shoulder, he blinks.

The guards are gone.

"As I said, they won't hurt you." the man smiles warmly, "Have a seat, tell me what troubles you."

Raphael's eyes widen as the other rises and slides a chair around to the front of the desk, "Oh, ah, right... Thank you."

"Honestly, this seems more interesting than the paperwork I was doing before you arrived, so I should be the one thanking you!" he says, sitting back down, "Ah, but, I suppose that's a touch insensitive... You said this was a personal matter?"

"Mn." the younger nods, "I... Truthfully, I don't know where to start... Papa Emeritus-"

"Just call me Copia, lord below knows most people here do that... You said it was not an earthly matter, so why don't we begin there?" Copia suggests, leaning back in his chair, bouncing slightly when the seat refuses to recline.

"Okay..." Raphael sits up straight, "There's no... no way to say this that makes me sound sane, but, for as long as I can remember, I have been seeing things... Ah, inhuman entities. Demons."

Copia raises an eyebrow, a sparkle in his eyes, "...Go on."

"I think it's obvious from looking at me that I am not in the best health." he says, shivering slightly as the air in the room kicks on, "I have spent much of my life in and out of the hospital, so I have undergone numerous assessments over the years... Mental, physical... emotional... That is to say, I am acutely aware of what is and what is not... wrong with me."

"These visions trouble me, Copia." he continues, resting his hands in his lap.

"And so you've come here... for what?"

"Confirmation." Raphael wets his lips, "I will be blunt, if that's alright with you."

"Go ahead." the antipope nods, a frown adorning his features.

"My body is failing me, Copia." he admits, "The doctors don't know what's wrong with me, and all the church tells me is to pray... I have more bad days than good, and, quite frankly, I am tired. I don't know if, before I die, I'll ever stop being tired, but I know I would rest easier knowing for certain whether what I have been seeing is real or not."

Silence fills the room as the pair consider the weight of his request.

"...What answer would put you the most at ease?" Copia asks finally, watching Raphael with an all too familiar sort of pity.

"The truth." he says calmly, "...I don't have time for lies."

.

.

.

Raphael sits in his room, having removed his cassock and replaced it with the simple, white cotton pajamas he'd been given ages ago, contemplating his day.

Normally, he would kneel in prayer.

Tell the lord his troubles and ask Him for guidance.

Instead, his mind wanders back to his conversation with Copia.

In the end, the older man had told him to hold on, to find the answer for himself, and that had filled him with a feeling Raphael knew all too well.

Anger.

And he could tell by the look on his face that Copia knew he was dissatisfied with his response.

The conversation had ended abruptly then, with Raphael rising without hesitation, though unsteady without his cane, which he had left outside the door.

There were no words that could be said in that moment that would have soothed his temper, and no words he could offer in turn that would not be tainted by his anger.

It was dizzying.

Capturing the handle of his cane, he pivoted carefully on his heel to stare back at the antipope.

"Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath. Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil."

Copia laughed then.

"Psalm 37:8... I will admit, your little book has some interesting quotes." he said, a smile playing on his lips, "Is this your way of saying you're mad at me? I told you the truth as I see it, and that, my friend, is no lie. Go home and rest. If you're still troubled later, feel free to visit me once again."

Raphael lowers himself down into his bed, back complaining as he settles against the thin mattress and utters a rare curse from his lips.

"...Bastard."

He'll see him again soon.

.

.

.

Copia sets a cup down in front of the young priest, smiling serenely when his red eyes narrow at him, "Your anger is adorable."

Raphael scoffs, adjusting the placement of his cane against the table so it won't slide as he sits down.

"You came back." he comments, watching the other man stare wearily into his coffee, "You keep coming back."

"The air out here is refreshing." Raphael says, wrapping his hands around the mug to keep them warm, "...I think being away from the city is good for my health... from time to time of course."

Lately, the color has been returning to his features -Raphael's- his face lacks the pallor of their first meeting, and his fingers hold a gentle pinkness to the tips.

His face seems fuller as well.

"Of course." Copia sips his own drink and gives an exaggerated sigh, "Ahh~ So, what shall we discuss today? Good versus evil? The nature of God and the devil or...?"

"Butterflies."

Copia almost chokes, "...Butterflies? Really? You've traveled two hours out to the middle of nowhere to discuss butterflies?"

"I watched a documentary on them at the hospital-" he hums, adding quickly, "-it was a routine appointment, I was stuck in the waiting room for most it- and now it seems I've got butterflies on the brain."

"Well then, butterflies it is."

And so they talk about butterflies.

They talk about butterflies until the coffee grows cold, and, at some point, the conversation shifts.

Likes and dislikes.

Common interests.

The ups and downs of life.

Filling the air with chatter, half mindless, the rest insightful, until the question they've both been dreading falls from Copia's mouth almost carelessly.

"...How long now?"

Raphael smiles, "Lord knows."

"Yours or mine?"

They laugh.

...There's not much else they can do.

Either of them.

"I'm not so tired anymore... but I think I could rest." Raphael says, and Copia feels a twinge of... something... in his chest.

"Not so deeply you miss our next meeting, I hope."

Raphael stands, "You'd never get so lucky."

"True enough."

[chronicbeans]

Can I hear more about your hospital? I love your writing and I absolutely adore the stories vibe so far. So can I ask for some miscellaneous info about either the hospital it self, characters, or the doctors? :)

Omg! Yay! Okay, I will give a little information on each of the three topics!

TW: Hospital Setting/Doctors, Chronic Illness, Medication Mentions/Medical Procedures, Age Regression Due to Trauma

🏥 So, for the hospital itself... The outside world(s) sees it as a mysterious place where people just... pop up. Some go there willingly to get help. Those who don't are usually those from other worlds. They tend to, quite literally, fall from the sky. Derek and the narrator from The Hall of Addiction are two of these people who fell out of the sky. Whenever somebody tries to escape the hospital, the halls shift and change, causing the escapees to get lost.

🏥 Dr. Victor Cogsworth was created to be "the closest thing to human". Humans are seen as mythical creatures in the world where the Iolite Hospital resides. They have emotions, intelligence, and more! He has emotions, but just... can't figure out what. He suffers from Alexithymia, which isn't a condition, but an inability to identify and describe your own emotions. It usually is seen as a symptom of other conditions. He can feel the physical sensations of emotions, and tries to use them to describe how he is feeling because he KNOWS it is an emotion, but can't figure out what. Due to him not knowing how he is feeling, he often has an emotionless expression and monotone voice, due to his programming saying to only show emotions based on what he is feeling. He doesn't know it, so he just... Doesn't show it. He does cry automatically when feeling an emotion that would cause it, thus, confusing him as to why he is crying. I have kinda decided to use him to represent the USA healthcare system, in a way. Taking a medical class in high school and having a retired nurse as the teacher really lets you know how much of a struggle it is for both patients and healthcare workers. The system kinda treats most patients the same, even though the doctors, nurses, and other staff are aware that every patient is different. They are also taught, usually, to try to not show anxiety, fear, and other negative emotions to keep them calm. Everything is locked inside. So, on the outside, he is meant to be robotic in his movements, with his music box being the main clue as to how he is feeling (it kind of works like a heartbeat. Quick = anxious, nervous, angry. Slow = Calm, collected, tired), like the healthcare system itself and the habit of hiding distressing emotions. Meanwhile, inside, he feels so much but simply cannot explain it, like the actual workers.

🏥 Aluminum is my most near and dear character. I created him to represent my experiences with my own condition, Eosinophilic Esophagitis (which is symbolized by both EoE and EE, depending on the hospital/facility). I try to write for him the most, simply due to how I have the most experience with my own condition. I made him mostly because I have never seen a single story about my own condition besides patients talking about themselves. Usually, they are put in ads for specific hospitals/healthcare facilities or medications. That isn't to say I am not grateful for that representation, though! I am so glad they had the courage to speak about it! It is just... Who is going to watch an ad/patient story besides other people or family members of people with EoE? So, I made Aluminum! He is terrified of needles (ahem like me), and since he cannot swallow pills due to his esophagus being narrow, he must take dupilumab, which is an injectable medication. He age regresses due to the trauma of his diagnosis, using it as a way to go back to the time when he was blissfully unaware of his condition. It was a very rare occurrence. Ever since he has started dupilumab, he has been regressing more often. Derek has decided to try to take care of him in the moments when he regresses. It is ironic, because he has always wanted to work in a daycare and has always wanted to seem mature and "adult". He has started to bring around a pacifier, not because he regresses to that young of an age, but because he stims by chewing on soft things specifically, and a pacifier is the best thing he can get his hands on. He stole it from the neonatal (newborn) ward, and either nobody has noticed, or nobody cares enough to get it back.

🏥 Derek is, of course, mute, as mentioned in the story. It was caused by him having apraxia of speech, which is usually caused by damage to the brain that allows the vocal cords to move, ever since a very young age. It was before he learned to speak that the damage occurred, and it was difficult for him to learn how to speak with his condition, even as he got older. So, he decided to live his life mute. He uses writing instead of sign language because he finds that, while many people do know sign language, not everybody does. So, it is more accessible. Especially since there are many different types of sign language, as well as the fact that there are people from whole other worlds in the hospital. So, there is no reason to learn, even in the hospital. Though, he does find it odd how all these people from all these different worlds seem to know the one, shared language of English between each other. He is probably the most "I don't care" guy there, as he just really doesn't care how different you are from him. He will mesh well with you, as long as you don't like kill someone or do something horrible.

[adventuringalchemy]

Just because it got mentioned, I actually recommend the 'Rise of the Archillager' book! I haven't fully read it myself, but it does indeed give an insight to villagers and illager mentality.

Villagers are overwhelmingly often headcanoned to be under some sort of virtue, oath or vow to never use violence (maybe with exception of defending themselves or their loved ones), much in contrast to their rough, hostile counterparts the illagers who even fight and bully amongst themselves (at least Archies tribe seemed so in the book). Villagers value hospitality, community, peacefulness. o3o

Although they can have negative views on things like players (heroes in dungeons) or illagers, they don't physically fight them. Just make remarks and are relieved when the leave.

There's also a headcanon I saw somewhere that those who went against the vow or otherwise did something ill-willed, undesired, they'd become nitwits and wear green robes (not sure if that changed in the villager rework, probably, yeah), just to signify their lower status now. They can't have jobs or contribute to the community no more. Like a soft banishment. (just mentioned it because I think it makes some semblance of sense)

Since villagers are largely about community, it does make sense that they have tight-knitted relationships and expectations/rules. Of course it can differ from village to village, from villager to villager, from biome to biome- but most agree, villagers are altogether the most peaceful kind to find.

Just imagine, players and villagers don't even speak the same language (canon) and they still agree to trade and welcome them, even if it's understandably a scary encounter since Players/Heroes are alien and unpredictable to them! Dangerous! o0o

Does make one think! owo

ANONYMOUS SENT AN ASK .

first and foremost -- the green robes thing. i don't know if that would necessarily be true. at least in ivor's case. the idea of it happening could be true i mean, but i don't think they did that to ivor. i don't agree with how fanon calls him arrogant and entitled -- i just think he knows his stuff and knows his worth. but there are multiple times where he admits that there are people out there who are better at things than him. regardless, he is the best potion brewer in the world and he knows that. he owns up to it and loves it. if the villagers were to make him an outcast and they were given green robes, ivor would no longer wear the green robe he wears now. if in fact, he was given that from a village. especially since he knows that he's excellent at what he does. at least in my backstory, the moment he knew his mentor was fucking him over, he wouldn't wear those robes anymore. he would even wear his silly undergarments compared to that robe. because to him, it would be taught as a symbol of weakness. and ivor knows he isn't weak with his passions.

and yes, i am aware that they speak a different language! i know that the minecraft logic in mcsm is a little different. because milk can cure wither sickness, there is no such thing as a formidi-bomb, and jesse could have mined above the lava to save xara after drinking milk to get rid of the wither sickness. like, there are so many loopholes in the story that could have easily been solved. or situations that can just never happen. i take that into account always, but i still make it so that ivor can craft potions and enchantments you can't normally do. that's one of his shticks!

but in mcsm there is a villager. nurm. he doesn't speak english, but jack can understand him. and nurm can make body language clues to help make jesse understand him better. considering the history that my ivor has, i imagine that either his mentor knew of the languages that the human spoke of or ivor learned the villager language. i wouldn't be surprised if he learned the villager language; he is very adept with history so he would want to connect with villagers, especially clerics, to learn more about the past of the world and their history. see if there's anything he can learn or grow more with.

as much as i hate the gimmick they did with season 2 ivor and making him a ninja, he does hint in the scene of saving nurm that he can discuss and talk with nurm because he thought with him about a plan to escape. so he knows the villager language. so regardless of whether or not his history was within a village, he does know his way around talking to them. (though frankly the scene also makes him out to be puffy and overexaggerated, which he wouldn't normally do unless he's super duper excited about something but that only comes with alchemy/enchanting/exploring)

i'm sure that ivor's mentor had to have a big talk with the village about letting him in. but this is something that i really want someone else to work with, right? i want to rp with the mentor i made for him and have someone flesh out the character. i want to give this character to someone for free. if villagers are meant to be peaceful, what made him an absolute piece of shit? is he just racist and hates humans? does he have his own history of abuse? i want to see someone flesh this character out. partly because i don't know the BASE minecraft lore all too well, but mostly because i want to give his mentor out for free and have fun building the character and the village they're in with someone. did his mentor automatically accept ivor's parent's request? did he take his time?

in any case, ivor definitely knows his way around villages and villagers. if you take the backstory i made for him or not, he definitely at least goes there to trade and to learn from them. he is super interested in their culture, the history of the world, and what makes them who they are. to me, the best way to make sense of his love for knowledge would be to have him be taught in a village for years.

[vostok3-ka]

heyo friend! this is my official request to learn more info and/or backstory on Snowy Plain, White Moon, if you feel inclined to share :)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEY HEY FRIEND! You've asked this just as I updated the fic oh my goodness!!! Thank you so much for the ask, I'm so excited to ramble on about it because I love it so much, it's so gentle to me, and yet still somewhat uncanny.

Got the inspiration for it from a movie called Compartment No. 6 (an absolutely beautiful Russian-Finnish film that won multiple awards and yet I feel like it's very underrated!) I was like yo what if I put Bucky on a train and set the fic entirely around the train (the train is a character in the tags lmao), and I was also feeling very frustrated (I'd just watched The White Sound with Daniel Bruhl which is so heartbreaking and warm and kind all at the same time, would recommend even though it is a student film) about the lack of schizophrenia portrayal that doesn't make the schizophrenic out to be a nutcase, or a psychopath, or a tragic story and I just HAD to write in schizophrenia as an every-day way, as well as I wanted to subtly delve into Bucky's past with hints here and there as to what his time with the Soviets were like.

I also wanted to write a fic that kind of showcased Bucky's struggle with social skills, seeing as he literally had them all scooped out, scrambled and shoved back into him multiple times, and I wanted to focus more on the dissociation that he is bound to have, what with him losing time, losing awareness- feeling hazy. He feels like he is moving through a dream, he feels not quite reel, as if he is split in half, as if the winter soldier was somebody else and it had never happened to him, except he knows it happened to him because he wakes up with the taste of blood in his mouth and the smell of burning buildings choking him. He wakes up with flashes of his victims screaming, his victims dying in silent gurgles as they breathe in blood, the sounds of gunshots echoing through his mind. So they MUST have happened to him. He has nerve damage from all the electroshock therapy dialed up to a thousand he had to endure, it IS real, and yet doesn't feel real

I also am a sucker for the uncanny, it's the SCP fan in me, I think, so I had to add in a creepy element, and yet Bucky's so disconnected from everything that he finds it scary in the moment, but the fear fizzles out, because he doesn't feel alive. So I kind of wrote him as not really being able to care beyond terrifying flashes of clarity. He's a walking mess that boy.

I will also admit I have no idea what I'm doing with every single word as I write this fic, I don't have it plotted out, I just have a general goal and a rough idea in my head lmao, but I'm enjoying writing in all the aspects of Bucky I really want to see myself but cannot find in other fics, as well as I am enjoying myself making it subtly funny in a strained sort of way, like things are hysterical only because they're not quite right!

Alexei is a fun one to write. He's young, still in university, has a regular part-time job at a regular place, and yet he's ill. He's schizophrenic, he's been to psychiatric hospitals, and yet he has a life. He isn't a psychopath, isn't prone to violence, is somewhat aware of his condition, and is as silly and stupid as anybody in their early 20s (this includes me. i am 20. i am thoroughly stupid in many areas 😂) He however has a background with Bucky, one that I'm yet to reveal, and I think it makes him more aware, sharper, he KNOWS what Bucky is like, and he feels comfortable with him. The fact as to why they are on the same train I still haven't completely written out but I have the plot point down and it's borderline silly, serious and unreal, like I have tried to make everything in this fic feel like!

Panarin, the soldier, I wrote as being a regular soldier, climbing the ranks regularly, as any other soldier would do in the military, and he is somehow the image of Bucky in a different universe. Bucky could have been him. Could have lived a regular life as well as being a soldier during WWII. They're like broken mirrors. Panarin is a soldier. Bucky was The Soldier. It's different, and yet they come from the same essence. It's an interesting dynamic to write, and I think once Panarin figures out who Bucky is he's going to have the shock of his life.

Bucky also feels guilt for his time during the USSR, but at the same time he is so proud, he's so damn proud, he was the pride and heart of the nation at one point in time, before Hydra got their grubby hands on him even while the USSR was still around, and he feels so ill at the thought of this. He isn't supposed to be proud, proud of the rank he got in the USSR military but was never acknowledged in the States. Somewhere inside of him, he's feels affection for the communist cause and he hates this, he hates it so much it drives him insane so he tries not to think about it.

But yeah! I honestly lost the motivation to write for this fic for a while, but I got some real sweet comments that just kickstarted it all back up and I'm buzzing with excitement to get back onto wrapping it all up!!! Cannot wait to share more of it with you ;)

Thank you so much for the ask, I honestly coulda talked more about it, but the answer was getting way too long LMAO. Hope your day is absolutely lovely!!! :)) <3<3<3

[losyash]

alright guys. VOTE SEISUB

I'll explain why

imagine your twin sister meets this cool dude and then you meet him to. and she tries to hook you up with him. he is technically a member of sakurazukamori aka a clan of assassins that historically was the enemy of YOUR clan but it doesn't matter cuz he is not into business. he just. doesn't like it okay? he is a vet. you would like to be a vet too. or maybe a zookeeper yes zookeeper is better. well it doesn't matter rn you have your job as an ommyoji to do but maybe later

seishirou turns out to be pretty cool. sure the way he and your sister joke abt him marrying you is embarrassing but. he is kind, he helps you with your job, you spend a lot of time together. when you are distraught he is here for you. and when he gets serious it makes you feel /something/. you know him almost for a year already

one day you go to the hospital to hang out with a boy you befriended here. seishirou is there too. this boy has weak kidneys and that's why he goes to the hospital every other day. it's tragic, really, to be so ill so young. you can't imagine what his mother feels. his mother tries to literally stab you. dead people don't need organs, right? seishirou shields you with his body. he looses an eye and might as well loose his life. you have never felt so horrible in your life. it's basically your fault he got hurt, isn't it? you might be in love with him. eventually you decide talk to him about his injury.

you go there.

your world falls apart.

he says it all has been a lie. he says he doesn't care about you in the slightest. he says you are no different from an object to him. he says he is going to kill you.

you remember things and that you don't he reminds you of. you have met him already. you made a bet. you just lost.

a year has passed since your second meeting and despite all his efforts he still doesn't love you.

it all has been a lie.

your dear grandmother's shikigami tries to get to you two. seishirou runs away, saying she is too powerful for him (didn't he say the opposite a few minutes ago?).

you are numb. you don't eat. you don't drink. you don't move. basically a coma. you sure are just like an object now.

time passes.

in your sleep you see things. you see your sister. you see seishirou.

he kills her.

you loved her too.

you decide to kill him.

***

there are more things but I am tired so I'll write it in less. this manner. esp seeing as Tokyo Babylon ended.

subaru's sister (her name is hokuto btw) asked seishirou to kill her and by sacrificing her life she laid a spell on him. if he tries to kill subaru the same way he killed her he will be the one to die instead. also she tells seishirou that.

subaru becomes obsessed with seishirou. he cuts his hair like him (which is in part so that he won't see hokuto in the mirror) he picks up smoking after him he even wears clothes closer to that seishirou would wear. he pursues him endlessly and seishirou evades every time year after year. their bet included the part where he will kill subaru if subaru lost btw why didn't he do that? weeeeeeell. you can guess.

eventually they meet again. they smoke together lmao. and then fight.

at some point another dude fuuma renders subaru blind on one eye which btw is the same one seishirou is blind on after hospital stabbing time.

the last time they meet its on the rainbow bridge (real place btw but it could be ANY OTHER PLSCE IN TOKYO JUST SAYING) and they try to kill each other. sorta. you see seishirou fully aware of what will happen if he tries to kill subaru his patented seishirou way still does that. not out of some audacity he just does. and well dies in subaru's arms whispering smth abt his feelings towards subaru in his ear which we don't know because the last words are intentionally omitted. it could be that he loves him it could be that he hates him it could be that he still doesn't care at all and that's beautiful

anyway subaru sees no point in living again now that seishirou is dead and goes to the house where seishirou grew up in standing there under everblooming sakura saying he doesn't need anything anymore

btw the sakurazukamori is basically one person who killed the previous sakurazukamori and when seishirou killed his mother she told him he too will one day die by the hands of someone he loves. he called it bullshit at the time but he did remmeber that words which once again I am just saying

could you get something more betrayally than that? maybe

could you get smth more homoerotic? nope

and that's not even saying abt smth both more betrayally and homoerotic at the same time basically I am saying subaru and seishirou should win

Iconic Homoerotic Betrayal: Round 1

Round 1 Directory

I don't have anything written for these. Add your thoughts in the reblogs.

[mouseymassacre]

MORE DR. TWO BRAINS HEADCANONS BC I WATCHED THE RISE OF MISS POWER AND A BUNCH MORE EPISODES

fruity ass gif bc i love him

-> he has so many mental illnesses. particularly adhd and bpd ^^ im not projecting. he's also autistic because i said so.

-> sensory processing disorder moment. he has trouble processing sounds and touch mostly and kinda isn't super aware of the space around him ^^

-> he doesn't talk to his family much or like. at all? he doesn't really remember much about them because his living situation was really stressful as a kid.

-> not only is cheese like. good bc he's a mouseboy, but also it's like. really good for his sensory issues.

-> showering is a fucking nightmare for him. his hair is always super messy, the sound of running water is a really bad thing for him sensory wise, and its hard to shower with his rat features + his mouse brain being on the outside is uncomfy. he made himself some earplugs though to help with the sensory part of it.

-> tbh. fruity. he's bi and trans!! he makes his own hormones and did his own top surgery. made his own binder as a younger adult.

-> if he had an actual cell phone, i think he'd have a very specific typing style. all caps, a lot of punctuation, MOUSE PUNS, etc!

-> "CHUCKY BABY, ANGEL DARLING, MY BEST FUR-RIEND. CAN I COME OVER" "mom said yeah just don't make a mess pleasee :(" "YES YES OF COURSE OF COURSE!! THANK YOU YOU'RE SO AM-MOUSE-ING!"

-> i like to think that the shirt he wears under his lab coat is one of those hospital scrubs. i feel like he definitely went to a hospital as a child and managed to keep the scrub bc the texture was nice:) i know its not a scrub but shut up its MY comfort headcanon!!

-> lemon demon fan. will wood fan. the oozes fan. probably likes some rock music bc of chuck, like black sabbath, alkaline trio, rise against, warrant, etc!!

-> he honestly really likes stickers and wears them on his arms or face in his free time. like... he doesnt do it while doing evil business in public but they remind him of his henchmen and shit:)

-> he and chuck definitely have made ocs together.

-> kinda touch adverse except with people be trusts? like. he won't completely freak out from physical contact but its still uncomfy for him. so when miss power was like hashtag Whip and Nae Naeing his ass he was internally Screaming.

-> he doesnt really like being picked up by his shirt in general but with miss power it was somehow worse bc she's just like. some gal.

-> he would use discord. he would have discord nitro. he's in a cheese eaters discord. he got banned from the cheese eaters discord because he got a little rowdy one day.

-> i think that he'd learn a lot of slang because he hangs with the botsfords a lot. like... he kinda got integrated into the family after the dr two brains forgets episode bc it just... happened. it just happened.

-> tj teaches him the word "poggers" and wordgirl has to simply cope every time she hears him say it unironically about one of his inventions or cheese.

-> his hair is so Dry. he is so dry in general. fuck bitch MOISTURIZE!!!

-> really likes cuddling chuck. can be interpreted as /p or /r tbh i think he just feels safe with his little sandwich bestie.

-> he really likes it when people he trusts touches his tail or scratches behind his ears. hes so Mouse you guys... He is so Mouse.

-> (minor s/lf h/rm tw, proceed with caution) probably has a lot of weirdly healed over scars because of his teeth being shaped like mice's, and he probably bites at his skin quite a bit to relieve stress.

-> idk why i like this headcanon but... he really appreciates the like... demonia + kandi + graphic tee stuff, but unfortunately doesn't participate because the familiarity of his coat and normal clothes is safe while Wearing Other Clothes Is Not. he thinks its a really cool way to express yourself!

-> adding onto this, but one time becky made a couple of little diy homemade pins out of a couple of different buttons, all painted with different pride flags and even one decorated with a couple of spikes and a cute little super-mousified version of dtb. he wears them literally every day, and even tried to make pins for his other villain friends!!

god i have school tomorrow i need to stop mf RAMBLING. if u have any other hcs please feel free to like . tell me i dont bite i purr-omise i just love attention

[hamliet]

As someone who has a radicalised family member I used to love and ultimately have cut ties, I feel the ending of AoT deeply.

Because the truth is that even if they ended up hurting me so many times, before they turned into a horrible, hurtful person, I admired them deeply and even after all of this time, I love them for the good they did for me.

They were the one who told me 'to find a goal' in life to move forward and I almost feel angry that the only valid option people see is hate in this kind of situation.

Or that 'Eren taking this path isn't believable'.

Yes it is. Many young men especially these days go down this path. Eren is essentially a modern radicalised youth as they say.

Does that mean the 20 years of kindness I saw from that person is not valid?

How do you think the families of these people feel, especially those who suffer under it?

And the even more screwed up part is that this case is even more personal to me because they ended up having serious mental illness.

I had to live with them talking to themselves and trying to hurt themselves before they were administered to a hospital and even after they came back, it fixed the worst if it, but not most of it and the best option was *still* to cut ties.

AoT hits very close to home in that aspect to me.

And I so rarely see this talked about because I don't think people care much for the families of people like this and to be fair, they often aren't any better.

And even *more* so, when questioning that person, they gave the answer 'I don't know', too.

And to this day, I haven't figured out where it went wrong. When did this happen? Why? I still don't have much more but speculation.

The entire ending/final arc even was *almost* like a massive trigger for me, very scarily real, but also comforting.

And the most frustrating thing is that this shit comes from supposedly 'empathic' people.

There is an interesting connection between Mikasa and OG Ymir in that in the extra pages, Mikasa tells her that at least she loved her children and by proxy of having them gave her life.

At least there was something good that came from her suffering.

And I've thought about that a bunch and how people really don't know anything about how abusive relationships work, either.

For how much people say empathy and validation is the way to go, so many sure don't even try to understand perspectives that feel strange to them.

AoT's ending is ultimately for sort of very specific people, I think, which is another reason I think it's so polarising.

Hell, I saw the moment where Jean and co where chiding Eren for something they didn't ask for at all described as 'he's an idiot, but our idiot' and for a while I couldn't explain why this pissed me off, but I think it's because it's not some cute fucking farewell, it's Eren falling back to his tendency to be self-destructive.

It's people imposing generic ending tropes to an ending that is actually kind of challenging and puzzling because it doesn't give you all of the answers and asks you to at least understand 'unusual' perspectives they've never encountered before in media or real life.

Another one is like the surface interaction of 'I'll never understand Eren or OG Ymir, so wierd.'

Good for you for not even trying, I guess.

It's this energy of tone-deaf gifsets using psychopathic characters' quotes as inspiring without zero self-awareness about the story's actual point or tone.

Idk if this comes across as being a little too assholish, but for so long some of this stuff has bothered me and nobody is willing to talk about it.

And ofc what is 'challenging art' is also very subjective. People are very much free to consider AoT childish, shallow and edgy and the like, but to me it really feels like it many people's first exposure to this kind of more 'tough'(?) storytelling.

First of all, I'm very sorry you've been through this/are going through it. Been there too myself/am there, and it sucks. It's just not so simple as Twitter would like it to be.

I agree with you that the ending was both triggering and comforting, though for me it felt more the latter, because it was genuinely empathetic (for the most part). It's genuinely complex storytelling, and honestly 99% of the storytelling this day and age would never go for such a bold or honest story. And the sad thing is it's both people on the radicalized side (see, the Fandom Menace and Erehisu Dudebros) and the Twitter social justice people, the latter of whom might be well-intentioned but operate on childish ideas that operate on the logic of a Dhar Mann video but don't operate with the reality of real life and complex humanity, are very anti-empathy.

I'm not gonna talk about the Dudebros here, but instead about the Twitter people because like... we share some values on the surface.

Tumblr and Twitter cultures is constantly calling for empathy, but by empathy they mean "everyone agreeing exactly and aspiring to be like the loudest voice in the room" which is kind of, well, not empathy.

People: we want dialogue!

Also people: actually if your experience contradicts mine then shut up.

In reality, nuance of course, but experiences have been and will always be contradictory. Dialogue is important precisely because it allows us to meditate on that paradox.

Contradictory experiences means that I genuinely get why some people aren't comfortable with AoT. That's fine. But any arguments that remove Eren's humanity and specifically argue that people are bad for seeing that fall into the "you missed the point" category.

Sigh.

[honoredbastard]

I COME BACK WITH THOUGHTS/THEORIES ON ITADORI AND HIS RELATIONS- I THINK.

anyways, so i'll just point this out: i'm not good at speaking my thoughts in an organized manner. i absolutely suck at it, i speak on how my brain brings up the thoughts so i might ramble, get over my head in a thought, etc. i can't control it so i apologize in advance for the jumpiness of the texts. i will spell a lot of things wrong and not everything will be correct, as i read translations and on a manga site. don't worry it's not illegal, i believe.

MANGA SPOILERS AHEAD.

i apologize for my absence! last week or two weeks ago the tower to my computer completely broke and will not turn on. i tried to repair it and follow my fathers instructions but nothing worked. even cleaned off the fan and went through countless nights readjusting things. it's not my cords either so to help me out my father is working extra shifts to get me a new pc. so in the meantime i'll do small posts like these but not full writing/head canons until i have a computer tower lol. a family member was kind enough to allow me to have their phone while we work throughout this issue.

now onto the actual topic:

kenjaku and itadori's relationship. ( family wise ).

for context in the most recent chapter, 160 "colony" kamo shows up in sasaki's home and talks to her about the culling game and a barrier. but that's not the point, the point is as he's guiding her to the barrier inside her "dream" at the end he says "oh right. i almost forgot to tell you. thank you for getting along with my son." and then she is awakened inside the barrier, in her pajamas beside iguchi. when sasaki and iguchi look at the barrier and gather themselves they bring up kamo.

sasaki asked iguchi if he mentioned his son and he says no. this leaves sasaki in a state of confusion when itadori flashes in her mind. she says his name aloud like she finally connected the dots. now. why am i bringing up this whole kenjaku thanking sasaki for being his "son"'s friend. it throws me off because why didn't he thank iguchi?

did he not think iguchi meant their friendship? because sasaki was the one uninjured and still counted itadori as a friend? does iguchi not consider itadori as a friend anymore?

because we haven't seen these two at all since the incident. that raised many questions in me. as well "how can itadori be related to kamo?" and itadori is related to choso.

because kamo's technique is explained ( vaguely. we are aware he can create barriers, take over bodies, and has incredible cursed tools. chapter 134. this is also where choso makes his connection ( i believe. ) to itadori yuji as his brother. but because we saw this with todo many thought itadori just had another unconsious technique that allows the person who is hit create false memories and believe of a completely made up relationship with itadori without his knowledge. but alas, i was wrong. ) and we're given more hints shown than told ( imo ) i tried my best to make sense out of the situation and what he said. i think my conclusions are pretty solid, so continuing on.

we're given very little history on itadori, his past, and family. at the start of the manga we know that itadori's only family he knows is his grandfather and that he is ill in the hospital. at the very very beginning we learn that itadori is your average cute, fluffy, laid back but strong and goofy protagonist. in smaller words: itadori is kirby but even cuter and dumber.

my first impressions of him is a pineapple. if you're confused to this saying: it's calling a person prickly on the outside but sweet on the inside. and this is true, itadori's grandfather seems prickly and cold on the outside but he genuinely cares for itadori.

he raised itadori for all we know and did that with his all in assumption. but this ends up backfiring onto itadori, because he cares so much for his grandson - he ends up leaving a " curse " on yuji.

help people. save them.

itadori takes this to heart as his grandfathers speech is his last one. when he looks over to his grandfather the man is dead and now yuji is left alone. then the following events occur.

at this point in time i assumed itadori was an orphan ( he technically is if we're connecting the dots. his parents has not been shown, he doesn't speak of them, they aren't in the picture. we can conclude either they disowned itadori or died before he could make complete memories of them. )

but when we are shown in chapter 143 itadori's parents we see this "woman" jin ( yuji's father ) and his grandfather talking about has the same scar pattern. this scar pattern is either stitching ( assuming that is how kamo keeps the top of the opened skull from coming off. this is also how kamo revealed his cursed technique / body of sorts ( the brain, assuming that is kenjaku in his cursed technique and not the body / puppet he is controlling " getou suguru " ) to gojou. )

this is the only way i find kamo being able to assign itadori as his son. why is that you might be asking this dumbass here.

we do not have the full story, exact date, location, and full context of the memory/dream itadori is having. this cannot be fake either because kamo would than have no reason to call itadori his son. or is there? anyways.

take a leap of faith with me. imagine that before itadori is born ( he seems no more than a few weeks or days old in this memory. hence why i am thinking my conclusion is pretty solid in theory. but yknow gege, there might be something different. ) anywhooo.

TW. D3ATH/IMPLYING ANTI LIFE ATTEMPT

kamo had to have taken over yuji's mothers body after an accident OR after she gave birth to yuji. his grandfather is interrupted by her before he can finish his sentence but it seems to be leading to the conclusion that either kaori ( yuji's mother ) died while giving birth to yuji or kaori could not conceive and tried to take her own life or cause an accident that would take her life. ( i read a fan translation for this part but im pretty sure i also read the official translation today too and it added up to the same. )

i believe in the first idea, but since kamo's cursed technique wasn't explained in detail i don't know the conditions of his body technique. does the original host of the body have to be dead? can he regenerate body limbs ( i highly doubt. getou lost an arm during his fight with yuta. overconfident dick. reminding me of an ex ANTWAYS. i forgive him for being overconfident smooch. he learned. OFF TOPIC but continuing on i promise.

this is being continued from the cut off point. i'm so upset so it'll just be summarized. i can't believe this shit lol i took three hours just to finish it for it to literally cut off the bottom half.

continuing on in a sadge mood. kamo must not have the complete ability to take over a body. after all getou took his only arm he had as he was dying and choked his own body to his full ability. getou was willing to die ( possibly, you never know he could be alive if he killed his own body. moving on. ) just to have the chance to save his friend from being swallowed by a damn box.

so there has to be a chance that kamo cannot fully take over the previous persons complete consious and memory of their body. if getou still had his other arm after losing the fight to yuta, he could've choked kamo with both arms. in theory kamo wouldn't be able to control the right arm and die to the previous host choking him to death.

so why wouldn't the other hosts do it? after all, kamo did say it was his first time experiencing such a thing. assuming kamo has lived throughout many bodies in his 150+ lifespan none of the previous hosts could take control of their body.

i believe getou was completely influenced by gojou and his six eyes. there is no way gojou would even try to speak out to his friend unless he had an inkling or saw getou still in there. helpless and without the ability to save himself from the cage he's in.

being used and puppeteered in his own body by an external force. laughing in the world he could not. putting getou into a constant misery and defeat that he couldn't escape his hell. the one he tried so hard to fight and get out of. even if it was the wrong path.

gojou was the last person to witness getou dying. he had to watch getou bleed out after their conversation because he couldn't bring himself to kill his friend. the one he spent his whole jujutsu student life with. so for gojou to say such a thing to getou despite all that he did had to break getou out of his misery and give him that small sliver of hope that he could do something. of course he failed, but i doubt that's going to be the end of that.

the only way i see kamo being related to yuji is if he took over kaori's body before the pregnancy. assuming that when kamo takes over a body he becomes one with said body and is that person for however long he lives in said body. my only thing is, can he take over a persons body whilst they are alive? i would go more in depth like i did the last time but i am extremely upset about my work being erased so that's the end of this part.

thank you for reading! i have one more thing for you though.

the last time we see sukuna in a manga page after the shibuya incident is where he is on his throne and in his domain. this is after yuji is stabbed by yuta and is presumed "dead" at the time. he seems to be interested in yuta and i can think of 2-3 things. I would love to hear your theories too so don't be afraid to barge into my dms like the koolaid man.

A - sukuna is interested in Yuta because of his ability to use the reverse healing technique ( only a few sorcerers know this. sukuna being the first. shoko being the second one to be told that she has this power and then gojou. ) because of this he sees potential in yuta as well or has added this boy into his plans. after all, there is very few that can make sukuna make an expression that isn't an RBF. aka megumi and possibly gojou. I was looking at the page of him stabbing yuji and noticed we only see the entry point of where the blade enters. it's smaller because some got chunked off so its a possibility yuta used this to his advantage when "killing" yuji and instead hit an artery that could kill him but quickly healed him afterwards. or just his heart. the ideas.

B. Rika, Yuta is able to completely control Rika as shown. Even though he claims he is on the weak side, these two combined seem like an unstoppable force. He may be interested in Rika as she is a curse that has been put on someone that can fully control it. Not many people is shown to be able to control their curse. As we haven't met many.

this was enti and that's the last of my post! thank you for reading and it was a fun one. even though i had to restore this shit. anyways, i'd love you to add or fix up my ideas and tell me your thoughts and opinions! Thanks a bunch!

^ this is for pure humor

[butteraway]

when time runs out | iv

⋆ summary:  A young girl has fallen deeply ill with an unknown disease in her, so with all her free time spent in an empty hospital room, she spends it online playing video games. That's until she meets her cousins friends, one spiking her interest with his extremely vulgare language.

pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader

word count: 2.5k

warnings: none

authors note: I wanna say im so sorry for lying to yall about that extra chapter KJDFFF😭😭 ALSO @chibiiichann I APOLOGIZE FOR SPAMMING YOU WHENEVER I REPLIED TO YOU💀 A DIFFERENT ACC WOULD POP UP BUT THE FIRST CHAPTER WAS AN INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER EXPLAINING THE OC'S CONDITION JFJDJD

"HAHA! I GOTCHU NOW LOSER!" Y/N smashed the buttons on her controller, basically on the edge of her bed. A grunt was heard through her headphones, then a loud bang with laughing in the background. Y/N felt her stomach turn at the sound of this, feeling a little left out, but smiled nonetheless.

"HOW'D YOU EVEN DO THAT?!! YOU’RE DOING SOME HACKING MY GUY!" Denki yelled through the laughing in the background, hands pulling at his hair. He seriously couldn't believe it!

"I'm not! I just wanted to show Sero I'm way better at this game than you are. And turns out I am!" Y/N let out a loud laugh, falling backwards onto her pillow. After finding out that 'Tape Dispenser' went to her cousin’s school by hearing his voice in the back of Denki's room, she got to learn more about this Sero dude. She already knew this after their last game a few nights ago, but he was so chill. It was still insane for her to find out that her cousin and online friend went to the same hero school. The coincidences in this world. Y/N thought as she grinned.

"It's okay Kaminari, you still lasted a long time! But you did get brutally beat by Y/N at the end though..." Sero said, trying to raise Denki's low spirits, but only succeeded in making him more miserable. Rustling was heard through Y/N's headphones, making it obvious that there was movement happening.

"You don't understand Sero! THIS IS THE ONLY GAME I COULD FULLY BEAT THIS GIRL IN!" Denki shook Sero by the shoulders, quickly doing the action. Cackling was heard through the speakers while the girl wiped a tear from her eye. Sero laughed along, as he was pushed to the ground by Denki. His arms were crossed as he looked away, upset that Y/N managed to finally beat him in every game they played.

"It's okay Denki, not everyone can be as good as me!" Y/N exclaimed, getting up from her bed to start taping specific parts of her room. Kaminari continued to complain about his defeat to Sero, who only chuckled in response. As she finished taping the bottom of the walls, Y/N sat back on her bed, sighing in content.

"So, how are you? I'm doing terribly after being utterly destroyed by you, by the way." Said Kaminari, opening his water bottle and taking large gulps from it. Y/N felt her face light up as she remembered to tell Kaminari of her future activity.

"Bro, you won't believe this! So, basically, they're actually letting me paint my room! All by myself! How fricking cool is that?!" The girl laughed out loud, jumping on her bed in excitement. Kaminari's eyes widen, in surprise and slight fear, sitting up and taking in the new information.

"Wait, really? But isn't that like extremely dangerous? Cuz of the chemicals and what not??" He tried his best to keep his voice leveled, not noticing Sero look at him weirdly. That guy had no idea what was happening.

"Well, they said that they were gonna do something to the paint so it won't hurt me or anything, I don't know what, but-" Y/N was cut off by an extremely confused Sero. "Wait wait wait, hold on. I don't understand what's happening. How can paint harm you? Besides like...eating it. And what do you mean by 'finally getting to paint your room?’ Silence was the only answer he got. Sero gulped in embarrassment, thinking he asked a really personal question.

"Um, it's nothing du-" A loud 'shhhhhhh' was heard from Y/N, who let out a shaky breath. She never really told anyone, it's not like she could either way, being confined in the hospital room for a long time. She pushed a loose strand of her away from her face, preparing herself to tell Sero.

"Well, the reason is because I basically live in a hospital. I can't go outside, or have 'unpurified' air, as the doctors like to say, meaning my interactions with people and the outside world are extremely limited. That means anything that's not cleared of dust and germs, I guess, can be extremely harmful for me? As pathetic as it sounds, it could actually kill me, haha." It was quiet as Sero took in the information, a large wave of emotions crashing on him. A person shouldn't have to be locked in a room for the rest of their life. Especially someone who is such a sweet person like Y/N.

"I-I'm so sorry to hear that Y/N. If you don't mind me asking, how...how long have you been in the hospital?" The young girl answered with a quick 'Two years', and that's when Sero felt his stomach twist uncomfortably. Kaminari abruptly got up and headed towards his door.

"I'm gonna get something to eat, you want something dude?" Kaminari's voice was low and trembling. It didn't take a genius to see that the blonde haired boy needed some time alone. "No thanks." Kaminari let out a hum, quickly exiting his room and closing the door shut. Sero heard the loud sniffs that slowly faded away, as he hung his head down.

"Hey, you good Sero? That was probably a lot to take in, sorry." Sero shook his head, letting a sad smile adorn his face. "It's fine, really. I actually feel honored that you're comfortable telling me. Feels like we're getting closer, to be honest." He smiled happily, meaning every word he said. And Y/N knew that. "Ha, we are though!" The air was tense, despite the two teenagers being in different rooms.

Y/N went to clear her throat, but was interrupted when a light knock echoed throughout her room. "Someone there?" Sero asked, noticing her silence and hearing the very faint knocking.

"Yeah, um Sero, I'll call you guys later, my doctor wants to talk." Y/N quickly replied, seeing Receen open the door and walk in with his thin suit on. Sero let out an ok and they hang up. Y/N finally took in how the doctor looked, noticeable eye bags under his blue-grey eyes, from lack of sleep. His dark hair slightly tousled, probably from putting on the protective helmet that came with the suit, and a small smile on his welcoming face. And a large container of paint in his left hand. Her eyes immediately lit up.

"What’s up doc? I see you have something in your hand, can I see it closer?" The small girl asked, getting up and making a grabbing motion with her hands. Receen chuckled, lifting up the paint for Y/N to see. Even if he were to hand her the container, she wouldn't be able to hold. She was just too weak. Said girl let out a high pitch 'OOOO ' in excitement.

"I'm not sure if you wanted more, but we managed to get you your favorite color! This should be enough to paint the room, you can even put a second layer if you want." Receen walked over to where Y/N put all the equipment, opening the container of paint. And with a low grunt from him, the lid was opened. Y/N watched with amazement as the doctor poured the soft looking paint into a tray. She picked up a roller near her, and drowned the roller in paint, the white fluff getting covered in color.

The two began painting, Y/N's hand shaking every now and then. After painting half the room, they sat in silence, resting for a while. Receen seemed to be tense, though Y/N didn't seem to notice since she was too happy to speak. Receen let out a breath, breaking the silence, causing Y/N to look towards him.

"I didn't get to ask you how you were, did I Y/N? How are you?" Said girl let a beaming smile spread on her face, causing Receen to slightly squint his eyes from the intensity of her smile. "Honestly, I haven't felt this happy in a very long time! I actually still can't believe you guys really let me do this! Thank you so much!"

Receen gave her a small smile while rubbing the back of his neck. "It's not a problem, you could’ve asked sooner and gotten this done a long time ago. You've been here for two years, so please don't be afraid of asking for things!" At the mention of her time spent in the hospital, Y/N lowered her head, causing Receen to wince. Well, might as well tell her. The doctor cleared his throat and began to talk.

"Y/N, as you are aware, I, along with many other doctors and scientists, have been working hard for you to be able to go outside again. To see your family, hug them, be a normal kid again." There was a pause and that alone caught Y/N's attention. She looked up at him. "There is a way for you to finally do that, Y/N."

Shock evident on the girl's face, she abruptly stood up and faced the doctor. There was absolutely no way anyone could have found a cure for someone like her. Someone who had an incurable sickness. Someone who was too sick, to even have medicine. He's lying. Y/N narrowed her eyes at the grown man sitting in front of her.

"With all due respect Doctor, I highly doubt that ​​that's possible. Cuz, y'know? I basically have an incurable disease? I mean, like, even if you did manage to find a way for me to leave this place, how do you even know it's gonna work? I don't think you've tried this medicine since no one in recorded hospital documents in the past have had people like that checked in before-"

"How do you even know that?"

"-so how do you truly know it'll work?" Y/N quickly finished, completely ignoring his statement. Receen sighed, scratching his head. "We live in a world where quirks exist. Would you believe me if I told you centuries ago that the human race would evolve to have super powers? It's kind of like that, but not really." Y/N eyed him suspiciously. He's avoiding the question.

Receen looked straight at the girl standing in front of him. He felt slightly intimidated by her piercing gaze. He quickly looked away and got up, towering over Y/N's small frame. Then he smiled. "Y/N, you are a very sweet girl, no doubt about it. I know how much you want to get out of here, and I want to help you. My team has created this almost perfect pill, especially suited for your sickness. I know you're very cautious, just like your mother, but I can only reassure you, that these are your ticket out of here." He pulled out the bottle from his protective suit, shaking it in front of [Y/N].

Her eyes widened as she restrained herself from reaching out and snatching the bottle. Her eyes slightly narrowed as she pulled herself together. Crossing her arms and slightly tilting her upwards, she looked into the doctor's bright eyes. "There's always a catch when it comes to these kinds of things. What's the price if I take these? My lifespan shortens, I only have five hours to go outside, it drugs me or something?"

"I'm hurt you think I would just give you these without setting out the consequences." There was a slight glint in his eyes before it quickly disappeared. Y/N hummed, urging the doctor to continue.

"There are exactly 15 pills in here. And consuming just one of these bad boys right here, would allow you to go outside! Though, time is very important when taking these. You'd have 10 hours before the pills effects wear off. These would dull your hypersensitive senses, but not to a point where you can't feel, smell or do anything. No no, it'd just be like how you were before. You'd feel slightly dizzy and be a little itchy, but besides that, nothing too extreme. It just dulls all your body senses down." Receen gave Y/N a small smile. She looked a little weary, unsure if what he said was true. She looked at the bottle then back to Doctor Receen, fingers twitching every now and then. Breathing in and letting it out slowly, Y/N stared straight into the doctor's eyes.

If I take these, I can finally go out. I can hug mom and dad, I can be around Denki again. I can meet Sero face to face and feel the grass again! I can be... happy again. But if these don't actually work, I'd immediately die on the spot. I'd be able to go outside though. Aah, so much going outside, I can meet new people! I don't wanna spend the rest of my days slowly rotting away in here anyway.

"So Y/N, are you going to take them or let all our time go to waste?"

Sero looked at his hands solemnly, thinking about what Y/N had told him. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat, then lightly slapped his cheeks to stop the wave of emotions from spilling out.

"Yo, you good dude? It's not everyday I see someone willingly slapping themselves." Kaminari chuckled, walking in and closing the door with his foot as he carried a soda bottle and a bag of chips towards the boy sitting on his bed. Sero grinned, feeling the sadness of everything wash away.

"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine. But what about you though? After we had that conversation, you were, well, umm... kind of out of it." Kaminari froze, letting a dejected smile appear on his face. Dragging a hand down his face, he let out a sorrowful laugh.

"She's my best friend. My first real, true friend. She's basically my sister at this point. So when she collapsed that day, I felt my whole world crashing down. She is the sweetest, the most kindest, person I have ever met. She never let me degrade myself, alway cheered me up when people called me stupid." Kaminari rubbed his eyes, opening the bag of chips and plopping one of them into his mouth.

"It hasn't been the same ever since she left, her parents barely come over anymore, and they're always so sad whenever I see them. My own parents aren't the same either, they treated her like their own daughter. I can't even begin to imagine how Y/N feels about this all. She was the top in our grade, highest scores in our test. No one could compare to her. M-my heart breaks for her. She lost everything." Sero let that information sink in, thinking about how she was before. He smiled as he saw Kaminari's shoulders begin to shake. He cares so much for her.

He put his hand on his shoulder, watching Kaminari slowly lift his face towards him. "Come here you emotional ball of feelings." Being the friendly guy he is, Sero gave the sobbing boy a hug, cuz hugs fix everything.

"No homo though bro." And with that, they both laughed out loud, continuing their bro day.

[chronicbeans]

Random Tales from the Iolite Hospital Info Dump (Aluminum and Dr. Cogsworth Edition)

because whenever I feel sucky I think about this story, mainly these two gremlins. Lol. This includes both info for in story stuff and kinda the creation of these characters, because I just found them interesting to talk about in general. Also this has turned out long as heck so I am writing most of this with my good, painless arm, in case anyone is concerned about me pushing myself. OwO

TW: Chronic Illness, Hospital Setting/Doctors, Mentions of Stalking, Depression/Anxiety, Trauma, Mentions of Possible PTSD, Age Regression Due to Trauma

Aluminum:

He's a little bean that's been with me a good long while before the story was conceived. He actually started out as a random character I would draw to cope with whatever came about in my life (mostly my chronic illness diagnosis, lol. Hence the fact we have the same illness). I usually drew him age regressing, in a sort of "I want to cope via this, but I have nothing to do so, so I shall cope through drawing this small man here doing those activities" sorta way. It actually tricked one of my friends into thinking he was like... 11 instead of 27 because I only drew him regressing. Once I realized I wanted to write a story with him to kinda bring awareness to what my experiences with chronic illness are like, I knew I had to work on his character outside of age regression more, so it has actually become a rather small part of his character at the moment.

In case some couldn't tell, he shares some of my own experiences with me, mostly the severity of his case of eosinophilic esophagitis and his experiences with it. I usually don't really like when authors put too many irl experiences into fictional works or main characters, not because I think they are like... being full of themselves or anything, since a lot of the times I have seen it done, it is to express their own feelings on a topic or because the book was entirely about their own life with a hint of fantasy in it. It just isn't my cup of tea to read, but I respect those who enjoy writing that way or consuming that content. However, due to my story dealing with a lot of sensitive topics like chronic illness and trauma, I kinda decided to have Aluminum share some of my experiences with chronic illness, due to me actually having experience with that specific illness so I can have the main focus being something I can more accurately write for than say... Epilepsy, which I don't have. A lot of his personality traits, though, are original. He is more prone to outbursts of extreme emotion, such as anger or sadness, as well as more open about everything he feels. He is also just more sociable in certain ways. While he won't approach people, the second you talk to him, he will be pretty open about the most random of things. He wanders around more often, be more prone to making assumptions, and can be a bit of a jerk at times, especially when he doesn't mean to be one.

Aluminum, due to being brought into the hospital at 16, never finished high school. He is pretty smart, though. He just doesn't have much info about your basic high school stuff. He has troubles when it comes to math, but when it comes to some random medical fact, he can tell you all about it. This is mostly due to the books in the recreation room mostly involving the conditions others on the C-Floor have, but even before getting put into Iolite Hospital, he researched medical facts so that he could properly take care of a wide variety of kids if he ever got his dream job at a daycare. He doesn't take much time to read about the conditions themselves, mostly hoping for another book on his own so he can keep updated on any news about it, but the most random of facts from them will stick in his mind. He can talk about how photosensitive epilepsy is actually only present in about 3% of epilepsy patients, despite being talked about more often than other types of triggers, like stress, scents, and others. However, if you ask him about say, an algebra problem, he will struggle, no matter how basic it might be.

He's got some pretty strong trauma due to how difficult swallowing pills is for him. Needles have just always been horrifying for him, being made worse due to having to be around one for at least once a week. Pills, however, scare him due to past experiences with them. Nobody would really expect their kid to have a physical condition that causes difficulty swallowing, and since Aluminum always thought the pain of swallowing was a normal thing, he would try to swallow pills. In fact, a lot of the time, his parents would encourage him to try to swallow pills, believing he just had pill anxiety that caused him to swallow it improperly, with a large part of the assumption being that he was diagnosed with anxiety. He always, ALWAYS choked on it or got it lodged in his throat. By now, whenever he so much as thinks of pills, he thinks of all his horrible memories of those events regarding pills, so he avoids them whenever possible. It's not like he can swallow them, anyways, but even crushed pills are frightening, despite him not having to swallow it whole. A few of his doctors and nurses think he might have some mild form of PTSD from those experiences, but since none of them are licensed in the mental health field, they can't be sure. Especially since, either way, he obsessively thinks about a lot of things, and has diagnosed anxiety from before being brought in. So they can't tell if they should treat it like he has PTSD, or anxiety being fed by traumatic events and obsessive thinking.

Aluminum loves mice and deer. Sure, a bit of a strangely specific choice in favorite animals, but he just likes them. He likes mice due to how small they are, as well as the fact that they have been useful in testing related to his illness. He doesn't agree with animal testing, but he can't really stop people from doing it, so he might as well show his appreciation for the species. He likes deer because he finds them pretty. They are also so free out in the wild and one of the most common animals for him to see from the hospital windows. He does get a bit sad when he sees some of the sick deer around the area, which has been getting more and more common, lately. As disturbing as he finds it to think this way, he hopes the very sick deer die, so they don't suffer long. In those moments, he gets lost in a spiral of thoughts, wondering if some people think of him that way.

He has undiagnosed ADHD, with a big part of it being undiagnosed being due to how he got put into the hospital at a relatively young age, and the fact that his anxiety is so bad his therapist couldn't tell if he had ADHD alongside his anxiety, or if his anxiety was so bad it caused ADHD symptoms. Now that he is in the Iolite Hospital, however, he will probably never find out that he has it.

His eosinophilic esophagitis has practically become his identity, but he will always deny it. He knows that it is most likely causing him to just increase his own agony by focusing on it so much and making it a big part of his identity, but he can't help it at this point. He is so focused on the pain and misery it has been causing him, what it stops him from doing, how little people know about it, and anything involving it, that he cannot really see anything else in life. He will, most likely, talk about it to someone he just met, even if he doesn't even know that person's name or anything about them. He says it is because that person needs to know about what foods he can and cannot eat, what it prevents him from doing, etc., but in reality, it is just because he doesn't know how to talk about anything else at this point. Well, the only other thing he knows how to talk about is complaining about everything that has gone wrong in his life, with the main topic still being his chronic illness, but that doesn't really count. It still involves his illness. Any other topic of conversation will get a very short reply from him, as he tries to focus on the conversation, but fails to come up with any reply in response. It would probably go something like "Hey, Aluminum! [INSERT CONVERSATION TOPIC OTHER THAN EOE HERE]. What's your opinion?" "Oh... That's cool... Did you know that my doctor messed up my prescription of dupilumab, again? They freaking rescheduled the next refill again!!! Everything is going wrong!!!"

He knows how he feels, but sucks at explaining it to others verbally. He is pretty good at writing about them, though, but just uses very verbose words compared to most of the other patients, like "malady", "ascertain", or even "phantasmagorical". Due to this, some get confused. Due to Derek having to write down his words, though, he has a pretty large vocabulary, and can tell what Aluminum is trying to say.

Dr. Cogsworth:

First thing first: this man is like... completely contradictory in some ways by design. He runs on strict systems, like how the healthcare system in my country works. For many outsiders, if feels like healthcare providers think "If A is found out, B should be done first. The C factor in the patient's health chart, be it a predisposition to condition D or a bad reaction to B, then we still go with it, taking great care while doing so, despite all the bad that might happen. The patient's emotions only matter if they are causing problems with treatment." Although that is not entirely the case, it can still happen, and is mostly how the Iolite Hospital works. So, that is how Dr. Cogsworth works, due to being designed for it. He looks at things with less of an emotional point of view, seeing things more logically and objectively, despite that logic being broken from time to time.

The contradictory part comes in from him genuinely seeing flaws in both his own design and the design of the hospital's system. No two patients are the same, so not everyone will respond to the same treatments well. So they should treat each patient differently. He doesn't understand his own emotions, though, so it is so hard to understand the emotions of others. From simply knowing why a patient feels bad to trying to read body language, he is absolutely clueless. The most he knows is "frown is bad, smile is good. Why tf are none of my patients smiling?" His attempts at comfort usually always fail, with the few that do succeed only succeeding due to the person desiring a response based on cold logic rather than emotional comfort. When trying to copy others who can give an emotional sort of comfort, it still fails, because his gestures, actions, and words not feeling as though they are done with sincerity. He may be doing the right things, but it is not out of an understanding for the person's emotional state, but simply because he has seen those actions work before.

On the topic of him seeing others doing things... he is like... stalking Aluminum and his friends. Mostly Aluminum, but he does stalk his friends to try to understand what Aluminum wants out of a companion in terms of comfort. It is not necessarily being done out of any obsession with Aluminum or his friends as people, either, though that is a part of the reason. It is almost entirely out of a desire to comfort patients better, to understand how they feel being stuck in the Iolite Hospital, to just... Understand patients, in general. Aluminum just so happens to be the most outspoken one, but never to Dr. Cogsworth. To Dr. Cogsworth, he mostly spits out pure frustration, with next to no intelligible information. To his friends, however, he gives a lot of emotional details, complete thoughts, and more information that Dr. Cogsworth sees as "reliable and useful for research". Even in this situation, however, he fails to defeat the system. So, he will follow Aluminum or his friends around the hospital whenever he has free time, even trying to wriggle his way into his presence during moments when someone else should be present (such as how administering medication should be done by a nurse, and not the GI doctor themself). By relying on Aluminum as the only basis for a patient, he fails to see that not every patient will have the same thoughts, opinions, personality and experiences as Aluminum. Something that Aluminum seeks out for comfort may only worsen another's distress.

He doesn't know why his emotions are blocked. As mentioned a few other times, he has emotions, but just cannot properly express or recognize them. The most he is able to do is talk about how the emotions make him feel physically, which doesn't do much. A racing heart (or in his case, music box) can mean a wide variety of things, like love, anxiety, embarrassment, fear, anger... So everyone is still confused. Unknown to him, a large amount of the time he simply feels apathetic, which could be contributing to his lack of emotional recognition skills, alongside the fact that outside of appointments, he barely gets any true social interaction. The day to day life of going through the same motions involved in appointments hasn't given him much emotional stimulation and what little he did get, he has become entirely numbed from feeling it so often.

[love-advice-on-call]

TW terminal Illness

I don’t know if i want to vent or if I really need to cut this guy out of my life. I dated my coworker for about 2 months but broke up because he was projecting mistrust built by a previous relationship and I didn’t feel that he or I were ready emotionally to take on those traumas.

Because of the stress of the breakup he found out he has an illness that could kill him. im the only one he knows that’s within the state we live in so I offered to stay in contact. It’s also so that we don’t make things too awkward at work.

My problem is anything I do sets him off. I get mad at him for making snide remarks and ignore him for an hour because he won’t listen to me and he then told me he’s going to the hospital because he didn’t follow the doctors orders on purpose “because he was having feelings”.

A big part of his illness he says it causes him to think irrationally, but the timing of these things is always so coincidental that i feel like he’s doing it on purpose. I want to help him but at what point to I just say enough is enough? Is this a boy who cried wolf situation or am i doing more harm than good by staying in contact?

"doing more harm than good" I think is an interesting way to put it, but I think that this may be the case. I do think that staying in contact with a person like this might not be the best idea. Like I get you care and he has no support network locally and the whole work situation, but that doesn't mean you should be his sole support and that his illness should be dragging you down, especially considering that he's being mean to you. If you stopped just talking to him, do you think it would really affect your work that much? It already sounds like he's making it hard for the both of you to exist in a workspace.

What I can tell you is that it does sound like your break up is starting to be disruptive even at your work place which isn't a good thing and I'd say a big motivator for you right now should be getting a better hold on the boundaries for this relationship. Otherwise you might start having to look for a new job.

I'm also hearing this guy blaming a lot of his actions on his illness, but there is a difference between having an illness and just being a plain dick. It's true some mental disorders/illnesses (like borderline personality) do give the traits of an asshole, but at the core, you just simply can't be aware that you have this and go "ohh well looks like I have an excuse now to be a horrible person now". People can recognize their illness and work towards being a better person. The fact that this guy is aware and doesn't even want to work with the hospital on his illness just goes to show that he's not interested in improving the space around him.

My recommendation is that yeah I know you want to help him, but this is a tough situation. You work together, but I think you should look out more for you. Set a hard boundary with this guy that you two should probably only interact in a professional setting. You can let him know that it doesn't seem like you two are getting along that well anymore so at least he knows that his behavior is being inappropriate and why you two can't talk anymore.

If you really want to help him, then the best thing I think you can do is let him know that he should follow up with his doctors and get into therapy. He'll probably be really upset at that, but that's what it takes to get better. If he doesn't like that, then he doesn't like himself, but that's not your burden.

Posted January 7, 2023

PS thanks for tagging the TW! It helps me and the readers a lot!

[yamanaka-shin]

you know what, speaking of Shin, here's a thought that is brewing.

the anime decided to make things complicated with their eye color when in the manga they were shown to have light colored eyes. when it shifted from black to light in the anime, it seemed to be white in color just like how Edo Tensei Shinobi look when Kabuto turns off their personalities. I get that dark irises/pupils against white sclera are easier to comprehend and that may have been possibly why they were originally shown to have dark eyes. but I am curious as to how it would have looked had they always been drawn with white or very light eyes. and if that's just how they are or if it's related to other issues they clearly had.

we don't know the extent of their illness. where it came from, how it started or when, how it progressed like if physical activity made it worse or it just would have gotten worse regardless, if it's genetic/hereditary, what a normal lifespan would have looked like had they not been part of Root which demands a lot from a person, if some sort of treatment could have been created even if it's not a cure, if it could spread from their respiratory system to other organs, exactly what it was and how it functioned.

there's a lot we don't know besides that. the first thing that comes to mind is their exact age. we only know they're older than Sai. but by how many years? it's highly possible they were a young adult at death, though I'm not sure, and just not very big in height. hell there's a chance their condition may have affected their growth even, who knows. she's in Naruto are weird because anime is always kinda funky with making people look the age that they are. Chojuuro was 19 when we met him but I could easily believe he was 16-17 in Shippuden because he looked kinda pathetic. Hako is a good example of looking younger than she is too because she's like 12-13 but stands at only 4'3. Iruka, Yamato, and Kurenai these days all look at least a decade older than they are. so I genuinely could not tell you anymore how old Shin was meant to be because I'm no longer sure. teenager yes, definitely, since 18-19 counts in the case that this is a possible age. they were also decked out in Anbu gear back in e50 compared to Sai who still had his usual outfit despite them both being out working together. I think that at the time Danzo had really started giving Shin missions as Anbu and Sai was still working up to that point because he's younger.

then there's the entire orphan deal. the databook says they're a war orphan, but it never says distinctly either of them are from Konoha. I do believe a shady bitch like Danzo isn't above taking kids from other villages/nations/places outside Konoha to recruit into his shitty organization. there's as much argument for these two being from Konoha as there is for them being from elsewhere. who knows how they got into Root, and if they're from another place, even into Konoha. why also were they kept in that cabin away from the village? is that just the standard for orphans in Root, to live somewhere secluded? and I know they mentioned buying that sketchbook for Sai. is there a salary for Root kids? I'd think there has to be since food is a necessity and you can't expect every kid to be an expert hunter/fisher even if they're good at murder. plus I have to wonder how often they're allowed into Konoha. Shin also mentioned looking into their illness which means wither a hospital trip or book research. and that implies going into town. in this case, going to look into things without Danzo knowing as they mentioned him not being aware they were sick. how often do either of them venture out without Danzo being aware of it? and what would happen should he find out? punishment, physical abuse, a reprimand, something else?

I have...a lot on my mind.