#Also autocorrect LIVE IS A REAL WORD WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE IT TO LOVE???????

[theorderofthetriad]

me literally six months ago: i'll probably have the next chapter out in two weeks!

[slashingdisneypasta]

Poly!Laughing Jack x Fem!Reader x Offenderman

Title: Punish Me // The Odd Throuple

Plot: Y/N gets shot in the neck and through the chest and is rushed to get help at Slender Mansion. This is your boyfriends’ reactions to you being seriously hurt. 

Notes:

I wrote most of this on my phone on the train so I’m sorry probably lots of errors!! My autocorrect likes to correct properly spelled words to the wrongly spelled versions I’ve accidentally typed in the past. 😒

Why, oh why, are my fluffiest works always with these two bastards??? Comfort characters...

Warnings: Well, you get shot because Offender raped someone. So, decide with that how you will. Sexual references also

~~~

"This is for my daughter, you f-freaks!" The man behind you is sobbing now. When he caught you it was just an itchy fidget, now that Offender and L.J are here he's falling apart.

The gun pressed into the crook of your neck moves and shifts with his ugly, heartbroken cries and all you can think is; I'm sorry. Oh my god, I'm so sorry, even as your body goes cold and you shiver with fear at having such a lethal weapon pressed to your skin at the hand of someone so unstable at the moment. You didn't even do anything to this man, but you feel his pain and feel sick anyway.

I'm so, so sorry.

You can only imagine what he means. What happened to his daughter...

"Who's your daughter!?" Offender growls, desperately. And uselessly. There's no way he remembers, there's no way he could help now. He doesn't ask for the names, and he certainly doesn't bother to listen if they tell him. He's just pleading. He doesn't know what else he could do. Just don't shoot her lethally. Miss the heart, he chants in his head. He can get you to Slender then but if you're dead... there's just nothing he can do. Its out of his power and he feels useless.

And this is his fault.

L.J doesn't respond at all, standing beside him. His eyes are on you, watching carefully. Communicating through his eyes. He hasn't moved since he realised the situation, struck completely still. He doesn't know what to do. If he fights for you, and he loses you still? ... He doesn't know if he could do that.

And then again, if you're killed anyway and he did nothing, it'll still hurt... but then at least he would have plausible deniability. He can... he can live like that. The alternative is worse. Far, far worse, to him.

And more then that, he doesn't care about bartering with this man.

Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes- losing a few tears you didn't know, through the shock, where glazing your eyes.

"You... fucker... took her before it was time, and now... " The man takes a deep breath in, making it cold on your neck where his face is hidden. "I'm going to take something you care about."

"WAIT- "

BANG.

A searing hot pain tears through your skin, everywhere as the bullet rips your insides open and a terrible scream rips out of your throat, more from shock, as the man lets your body go and gravity drags you down, nearly knocking your head on the concrete. Before that could happen though, Offender teleports and catches you.

As your sight dapples away into blackness and L.J's cries for you to say something peter out, you feel the familiar terrible whooshing of teleportation just before the world goes

completely, 

and

   utterly,

           still.

___TIME SKIP___

"Y/N... Y/N... I see your eyelids flickering, are you awake? Or experiencing some kind of terrible neural damage I need to get Slender for?" Claws slide under your neck, against the pillow and sit there cool against your skin as L.J shifts his body, and his chair, more impossibly close to your bed. "Lollipop~ You have to give me a sign, I'm not a real doctor."

"You... play one... pretty well. D-don't you?" You whisper, voice croaky and hard to utilise. Your eyelids are heavy, too, but you manage to peak at him for a moment. He opens his mouth in a sharp grin, relieved.

"So no amnesia then??" He exclaims, excitedly.

"Was that," Coughing into the air, because your body is still too weak to really move, you taste metal on your tongue. "A possibility???"

"Well, Slender didn't say it in those words, but... I feel like it was unspoken."

Knitting your eyebrows together, you start to worry about your condition yourself, before a weight like a folder or a clipboard drops on the bed by your feet and Slender heaves a great sigh.

"You were worried." He says sternly, assuredly to L.J. "You were in no danger of enduring inflicted amnesia, Y/N. L.J just has a wild imagination due to a birth defect called stupidity. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do about that."

L.J says nothing in response to that for a moment, and you can imagine him just looking deadpanned at the taller creature. "You're toad, Slender."

"Whatever. However, Y/N, while you do not have amnesia you do have a number of other inflicted injuries and because of that I am suggesting you stay here where you can properly be watched until they're manageable for you to deal with on your own." He pauses, apparently tired of our presence already. "That is unless, of course, you want to rip your many stitches or contract any kind of infectious disease because you trusted the man that thought you had amnesia, and the one that fully trusts in the 'psychologically healing' properties of copious amounts of alcohol," Oh, so that's where Offender is. "to take care of you medically."

"Um," Your voice is high, unsure quite how to respond. Slender and his bluntness does this to you a lot. "No, that's okay? Thanks for offering for me to stay?"

Another cough forces itself suddenly out of your throat from the use of your voice, as your throat is so dry - How long were you asleep?? - and, this time, L.J extends his free arm to gently cover your mouth like you would with your own if you could move right now. As soon as you're done, he retracts his long, loong arm and your stomach squirms pleasantly about how cute and affectionate that was for him.

He takes a deep breath. "Very good. I'm leaving. Offender can read your chart when he gets in here." Then, like a light, the heavy atmosphere that Slender carries with him everywhere disappears from the room and you feel L.J stretch and snatch the folder object at the end of your bed.

"I can read this, thanks." With one hand to hold the thing, L.J peers at it for a moment... for so long, in fact, that you risk your energy to peak at him again just see him use his pointed nose to slide the page up to look at the next one... Before he frisbee-throwing the folder back to the end of the bed and returning his attention fully back to you, crossing one elongated, stripy leg over the other. "Never mind. What’s with this family? They make up there own language?"

Grinning at his antics like you always do, your eyelids fall shut again and you feel the relief of not using so much energy. "I think medical charts everywhere are like that."

"So the whole medical profession started there own code, then. Bastards."

A chuckle escapes you, as you're slipping closer to sleep. "L.J, I think I'm... gonna... go back to sleep... for a bit... "

"You do that. I'll make up jokes."

"Okie, yay... "

As you fall back into the welcoming arms of sleep, L.J puts his free claws to work removing the crinkles out in your bed spread and nightgown- unable to stay still. Unable to leave you alone.

He has to stay with you.

___TIME SKIP___

The next time you open your eyes, Offender has joined L.J, but instead of sitting in a chair he leans sloppily on the wall by the door, evidently still feeling the effects of his 'psychological healing' with the alcohol.

This time you're able to open your eyes a crack and keep them open like that. You’re able to to see the room now, which is basically just like any other bedroom in Slender mansion with hard wood floors and dark walls, except there’s an IV beside you and sheets on the floor.

Again, L.J's keen eye catches your consciousness first. "You're awake again!"

"Hi." You grin in greeting, noticing L.J's claws are on your tummy now, the one on his thumb rubbing up and down a small area.

Offender comes forward immediately and leans close to your face over your bed, draping an arm over the bed frame to hold himself up. "You good there, squirt?" Wincing at the nickname, because it does not come from Finding Nemo, you shift your head on the pillow in a nod. He chuckles.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Well, you're not, but that's my girl." He presses a gentle kiss to your forehead before pulling back and picking up the medical chart on hi way back to the wall. Blowing air out of his cheeks in reaction to the information, he leans back on the wall again and starts reading the 'code'. "Now, lets see what's wrong with ya... "

L.J and you sit - and lay, - at attention as he lists and explains what it says. Some of the things that come out of his mouth do scare you, but honestly most of it was just stuff you expected. You still may be in a bit of shock, to be honest, but at the moment you're just more concerned with the fact that Offender really can read it! Unless he's making it all up, in which case, boo.

When he's done, you're all quiet for a moment, taking in how long that took - and therefore how much damage was really done by that bullet, - before L.J, of course- well, doesn't lift your spirits exactly, but changes the course of the worry in the room, for sure. And that's why you and Offender love him. Well, one of the many reasons. Raising his pointer claw off your stomach, he announces, "I call conspiracy!!"

Offender puts down the chart and crosses his arms, bemused at him. "What this time?"

"These charts. You say this is English??" L.J squints, looking between your and his boyfriend.

"Yeah."

"I don’t buy it. I'm British and I tried to read that, and it was total gibberish. Tell him, Y/N."

"He is British and he did try to read it." You concur.

L.J nods at Offender. "Yep."

"And he did fail." You grin, this time.

L.J nods again, without shame. "Yep."

"Well... " Offender leans menacingly forward, towards L.J who leans back despite them being feet away from each other, then grins. "I read it just fine."

"I feel like I'm being gaslighted."

"Oh jeez." You grin, turning your head on your pillow to set L.J with a look, amused by him.

"Oh, and- Your brother called me stupid. Again. You need to fight for my honour." L.J informs Offender, swivelling in his seat to properly face him, while still holding me.

"Oh, you poor victim, you." Offender shifts, shaking his head amusedly at L.J. "Tut, tut, tut. What a cruel world."

L.J ignores that obvious sarcasm. "Yes, precisely. Oh woe is me, and all that. Hop to it." Nodding to the door promptly, L.J turns back to me. A little grin plays at his black lips.

"Oh sure thing." Offender shakes his head again, before pushing off the wall and straddling the arm of L.J's chair instead. "Anyway, the only honour I care about right now is Y/N's." L.J seems to agree with that, eyes going steely and lips curling at the memory of why you're all in this room in the first place. "So, what'll it be, beautiful? I'm the reason you got hit, so, by Vikings oath I've vowed to endure whatever punishment you decide is necessary." You open your mouth immediately to laugh him off, but he makes no movement like he usually would if he were joking. Instead, he quickly adds, "Go on."

"... hold on, you're German. Aren't Vikings Scandinavian?-"

"Shut up, clown man; I'm old. I've been places. Get with the program."

Rolling your eyes, unintentionally fondly at the two, you look around the room. "Um," Unbelievably croaky, and painfully, you ask. "Get me a cup of water?"

"Oh!-" While Offender quickly teleports off to get you that, L.J just absentmindedly brushes some hair out of your face. Offender comes back in a young moment and they both help you sit up. L.J helps guide you by your hands, while Offender stuffs pillows securely at the base of your back.

"Thanks, guys," You accept the glass of water with a gracious smile. "Thank you."

As you're taking a sip, Offender returns to his spot on the arm of L.J's chair and watches you expectantly, heavily. Swallowing the water, you raise a curious brow. "So? My punishment?"

You nearly choke on the water, but instead take a moment to compose yourself. "Wha- I thought that was the punishment!"

"Getting water??"

"I didn't say please!"

L.J clicks his finger claws, lifting them off you for a moment to point and nod in agreement at Offender. "Right, that's true. She didn't. 'S not her fault you have no sensitivity towards good manners." He turns back to you as Offender makes a perturbed shape with his mouth. "You have lovely manners."

"Thank you!"

"Of course dearest."

"Wha- I- F- hah???" As you and L.J have your 'Old British Sit Com' moment as Offender would always refer to it from then on, he stutters and looks between the two of you confusedly. "Hold on, hold on stop that this instant-" Reaching over and waiving a hand between the two of you as you were looking sweetly at each other, he successfully snaps you both out of it. "Neither of you are taking this seriously. You," He points his finger at L.J, who narrows his eyes at the offending appendage. Probably thinking 'And your manners, are terrible.'. "Shoosh. And you, “ L.J presses his lips firmly closed as Offender turns his stern finger to you, making you sit up straighter at attention. “Come on, baby.” He slips to his knees as you start to fully understand his desperation right now and grips the side of your mattress. His hat slips to cover the top of his face and your eyes flicker to L.J’s, which are also sheened in a very covered layer of worry, and back. “Punish me. It’s my fault. You got bandages and tubes and... fucking bloodstains. I did this. And in order for our relationship to continue healthily you need to get back at me somehow. So come on, one more time I’m gonna say it so L.J if you say something about masochism I will throw you out the window; Y/N, punish me. Goddamnit, please.”

“Offender,” You start in a scolding voice, pushing yourself off the pillows with difficulty, wincing at the pain shooting through your collar bones. When L.J’s eyes flicker over you and your pained features, because, while Offender is clearly perfectly fine with showing his affections, L.J certainly is not. You flash him an ‘its fine’ smile as you push your legs off the end of the bed. “I’m not that hurt! And I’m certainly not upset with you in any way, its not necessary!” 

“You were shot, Y/N!” 

“Yeah, well.” You roll your eyes, as if the infliction wasn't a big deal. Like there are more important things, which in the moment you do think there are in Offender’s outlook at the moment. It honestly scares you. It isn't him. Dropping your hands on his shoulders, you dip your head to look seriously at him. “Its not that bad! I mean, I think Slender woulda told me if I was gonna die, don’t you think? And you read the chart! You know I’ll be okay.” 

“... Yeah, he would've. And then the little punk woulda left the room chuckling."

"Oooh," L.J leans back in his chair, thumb claw between his teeth as he imagines how it would have gone, arctic blues glazed over with imagination. "He totally would... "

Nodding in agreement, you kneed your thumbs into Offender shoulders comfortingly. "Yep. Same thing for if I wasn't going to recover at all. Don't you think?"

"Y/Nnnn,” He groans, resisting. 

“I’ll, be, fine.” Leaning down, you press your forehead to his- breath hitching when you feel your stitches stretching but forcing your self to stay put for a moment. “Don’t feel so guilty. Or, at least try- its an odd colour on you.” 

“Mm.” Offender’s mouth twists like he tasted something gross. Then he sighs, the muscles in his shoulders easing. “Oh, what, you think a good old ‘belligerent’s more me?”

“Maybe a gentle ‘creepy’, at most.” L.J pats his back, breaking out of his dream world. You grin and nod. 

“That work for you?” 

“We can try it on for size.” 

L.J snorts. “Oh, I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” Offender turns and looks up at him, a bemused smile on his face. Still reluctant to let it go, but trying. “What? Does BEN need to re- try on his used condom hat now, too??” 

With that, Offender and you dissolve into barks of laughter, you hiding your pink face in your hands while L.J just shrugs, holding up his hands like ‘Aren't I right though??’. “What?? Its one of your charms!” He adds, a corner of his dark mouth fighting to point up even as he looks confusedly at your shaking bodies. 

“OKAY,” Slender pushes the door open then, interrupting and dropping his shoulders slowly. “I’ve heard enough. It time for Y/N to return to sleep- what. What is she doing out of bed? Put her back. And then, both of you, can get out of my house! ... and take your unfortunate analogies with you.” Shoulders slumping, he then mutters, “... I’ll never be able to look at that hat again without thinking about that... “  

Offender heaves his own sigh, so like his brother in the moment as he pushes himself up and guides you back into a comfortable laying position, muttering himself. “You would think, after so... so, many centuries with that man, I would be immune to his annoyingness... But no.” 

Snickering, L.J leans back in his chair, reaching down into the pockets of his pants as you start to feel exhaustion wash over you again. Slender’s right, you do need more sleep... 

Slender just opens the door more fully and gestures towards it for his brother and Laughing Jack. Slowly, he drawls the next word. “Out?” 

“G’night sweetheart.” Offender gives you another kiss on the forehead, completely ignoring his brother this time. “Just keep thinking about that punishment, okay? Just... keep it in mind.” Chewing on your bottom lip, you wish Offender would let it go... but nod anyway, for his sake. Not like you actually will think about it at all. L.J brushes your hair back after he steps back and taps your forehead gently with his thumb. 

“Sweet dreams lollipop!” 

Then L.J returns to his chair and Offender drags up a chair beside him for himself and Slender grips the door tighter. “Oh, no. No no no. Get, out, of my home.” 

Slowly L.J looks over at Slender, then squishing his butt down further into the chair pointedly, and Offender props his legs up on the end of your bed. You chuckle, and close your eyes. Embarrassed by your weirdly good boyfriends.  They aren't perfect by any, a n y means, but they are pretty cool sometimes. You like them- and that's an understatement. 

“Aghhh, don’t think I’m bringing you dinner.” Slender lets up quickly, disinterested in putting up any fight and rolls his shoulders of you all, closing the door as he walks off. “Hooligans.” 

As you close your eyes, and pull the blankets up further over your body to your chin, relaxing into a resting, sleep exposed state Offender crosses his arms, setting in probably for a nap himself, with no other idea how to pass the silent time and L.J turns promptly to him, with a colourful but mostly black box in his hand. 

“Silent Uno??” 

[selfcareparker]

yesss the letter format 💝💓💘💖💞💕💖💞💓 (lovely anon)

my dearest aria (a hamilton reference lmao),

i’m home alone (bc i wanted the house alone to get my head together after my brothers were mean to me 🙃) and i’m so hype LMAO but i’m watching chloe x halle’s tiny desk concert and honestly just vibing. (this is so random) besides zendaya like they are my badass black women role models. my one accomplishment would be to learn to body roll like them LMAO

oh nevermind i can’t have anything nice, my dad just came home 🙃 WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THIS ASK WTFFF

i’m liking tfatws, the second episode was veryyy intense imo but WANDAVISION IS SO GOOD😭 i knew it was going to be my favorite from the really old trailer but it’s really good and i promise it’s not just sitcoms, girl especially cuz you’ll have all the episodes already out- we were having to wait every week😭 BUT ITS SO GOOD I PROMISE HDJSHDJSH lmao reading this i was like “i- the episodes aren’t an hour long” but i feel that, it’s hard for me to watch tfatws bc they are an hour long and i’m like 😐 but wandavision episodes are less than 30mins bc I KID YOU NOT they have the damn 10 MINUTE CREDITS DHDJSJ no i don’t think we’ve talked about this b4 lol but it all depends on the series for me. i binged love island uk in less than a week bc i was so invested and LITERALLY LOVE IT but uh those episodes are like an hour and a half, but say i was binging tfatws (it’s so hard to type that ohmigosh) i honestly would not be able to do it bc of the intensity (you may be like what intensity but if you’ve seen episode 2 by the time you’re reading this.......... isaiah and the scene afterwards is all i have to say, esp me being black it was so tough :/)

girl you’re fine, as long as you’ve experienced it once hahaha i think the reason why it’s so important to my family (this letter feels so personal and extreme HSJSJA IM SORRY) is bc my grandmother loved it and in my family i guess it’s just important to us lol like my mom and dad love it too and we have the literal VHS tapes LMAO, but it only came up recently cuz my youngest brother was watching lion guard HAHA and he wanted to see the originals :) and fun fact (unless you already know) but there’s a lion king part 2 and 1 1/2 and i have all three ON VHS HAHAHA but i love lion king 1 duh (the og) but part two’s music and love story..... is so good. anyway. 🦁

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING DURING THE WHOLE MOVIE THEATER ENCOUNTER THING HAHAHA AND WHEN SHE WAS SAYING AWKWARD I WAS LIKE WTF THE NOISE LMAOOOO i don’t think there’s a better way to describe that whole situation than ZKDHDJSHAJAJSHDJSNAHA. yeah. yeaaaa at the cinemas (i like the word cinema more than movies 🥰) here they have chips (fries), some have ice cream, nachos, drinks, hot dogs, the cinema we were at had pretzels and like BURGERS I WAS LIKE HUH OKAY and ya know obviously popcorn but i don’t know why the theaters (or cinemas) here do that, it started a long time ago though like yearsssss

PLEASE i have the longest movie watchlist and uhh haven’t seen any of them JDJSKA (istg i use HSJSSKSH as a period - like . ) i’m still hype for cherry but very hesitant (idk if i can handle it) but i’m thinking about watching it in the next couple of weeks? i know it’ll take me forever bc i’m gonna have to keep pausing and shit but idk. i’ve asked around for very specific trigger warnings and time stamps so i REALLY know what’s coming (even if it spoiled the film a bit for me) but i do really wanna see it (i think? writing this now i’m not so sure lol) so whooooooo really knows lol, but chaos walking YES i was really excited about it :))) and about my friend uhh dude you don’t sound mean at all i was literally thinking the same thing but worse HAAKL idk what she was there for???? she bought my ticket tho so 💁🏾‍♀️ whatever

“SIMS ahh, BUNK BEDS ahh” had me cracking up lmao and you know my sims status JAJAHHAJ but i’m gonna become like you, saving every 5 minutes 😭 but that’s exactly what happened to me, i really didn’t know whether to shut it off or not but after 2 hours i was heartbroken lol i’m literally making a list of things i need to redo that wasn’t saved lmao

CAN I JUST SAY UR A MASTERMIND THOUGH??? UR SIMS GAME SOUNDS SO *chefs kiss* IM CRINE university is PAINFULLY long and LITERALLY I FEEEL THAT like you can’t do anything else without failing, i had my sim go to a party once for like a few hours and i felt so dumb afterwards like urgh he should’ve been studying LMAOO just cracking down on work honestly. UR NEIGHBOR!AU IN THE SIMS PLEASEEE i am very much in love with it, yes. (pouring rain has just suddenly begun where i am rn wow ok) i love that you put them on the same lot, that was really really smart and i love that ur living out your sexuality in the sims😭 i was abt to say “now you can say you’ve got experience bc of the sims” but ANYWAY IGNORE ME fhdhs THE ALIEN BABY DHSJSK i hope it’s not a dealbreaker for enisa. that’d be tragic. IM BACK IN UPPERCASE THO BC YES MAKING OUT IN THE SIMS IS SO HOT TO ME??? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE STFU OH MY GOSH- all the stuff, whispering sweet nothings, and the making out, and JUST ALL OF IT!!! AM I TOUCH STARVED????? there was this time i made my sim just continue to woohoo bc it was turning me on big time. ANYWAY

half way through that i had to go to my grandmothers house (not the one that likes lion king, but uh hmm idk if you remember but i was talking abt my shit family so yeah that grandmother lol) so now i’m finishing this 🥴 and instead of chloe x halle i’m watching a tom interview lmao & if this takes me longer than 30 minutes.... imma cry

I REALLY WANNA ASK- IS IT BC UR GERMAN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WRITE OUT THAT LONG ASS WORD???? i mean i can’t write out supercalafrag- anyway, but that word is a bit nonsense, UR WORD IS A REAL WORD DUDE HDJSHS i love how ur like “maybe i mixed up these words” YEA OK.

lol i had to google what are waveformers lol (lol makes a comeback) and they look like curlers that you would sleep in (here we would call them curlers or uhm i forgot uhhhhhhh rollers i think) but ur fine when am i ever making sense?? i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌

H20 H20 H20 OH MY GOODNESS SHE BROUGHT UP H20 OK MY LIFE WAS H20🥲 I HAVE THEIR LOCKET NECKLACE AND (short storytime) when i was younger i thought they were american despite their accents (idk i was dumb) but then i figured they weren’t when lewis went to go study in america HAHAH ALSO FAVORITE COUPLE CLEO AND LEWIS UGH WATCH ME REWATCH THE SHOW NOW THANKS (also i hated elizabeth so much) but anyway back on topic, when lewis went to go study in the US i looked up where the show took place and all that good stuff and i found out they were australian HAHAH and that started my obsession with accents LMAO the uk :’)) (i’m proofreading AND AUSTRALIA IS NOT A PART OF THE UK LMAOO IM SOO DHSJSSHS) also it is now one of my many goals (besides the body roll HAHAH) to go to mako island (that’s what it’s called right??)

about music, i googled stormzy and i might listen to a song of his.. LOL I WANNA GIVE IT A TRY IMMA DO IT FOR YOU NFDVSFSG lmaoo the german rapper had me cackling (autocorrect once again being helpful and said raper and i’m like nOO) i mean we all have that one person. can’t lie, won’t lie. my one (IM SORRY BUT AUTOCORRECT HAD “MY ONE TRUE ACCOMPLISHMENT” SITTING AND READY HDJSJA I DONT EVEN TYPE THAT wHAT) person out of my white soft boy with brown hair and brown eyes type would beeeee pete davidson. love me some petey. i was gonna say rex orange county as well lmao but i don’t really loveeee him i’m just in love with his music... and wanna be friends with him..... so 👉🏾👈🏾 (i never do that fdshsh)

oh my goodness, i love tattoos too- GASP what are you thinking of getting 🥺 i want tattoos too but i’m too indecisive to figure out what to have & where. especially in my family... idk they aren’t frowned upon but my mom’s not applauding the thought lol, if i got one it would have to be meaningful but i am absolutely in love with (for example) ariana grande’s finger tattoos !! they’re so cute and simple :’) i don’t even know if i can get tattoos? my skin is... interesting. not in a bad way!! just like.... idk how to explain it??? keyloids run in the family & i got a piercing once and it got infected soo :/ the doctor also confirmed that if i wanted tattoos they couldn’t be in color so LMAO

ONCE AGAIN THIS WHOLE THING FEELS SO TMI DHSHSSJ IM LIKE OHMIGOSH SHUT UP SHE DOESNT CARE JESJSKS

in regards to you not sleeping, i wanted to mention that dumb bird, what was the reason it was up so early aT 4AM???? SIR WHO YOU CALLING TO??? also it’s 11:30pm and idk why i’m tired???

yeah i was never SUPER into justin so i don’t know exactly what albums you’re talking about lol, i do know yummy though.. but everyone did hahaha also i listen to so much pop 🙈 i mean maybe... idk what would count as pop and what wouldn’t. that new person feeling though.. i get that. it’s like who is this new person..? i kinda feel like that with taylor swift (i was never THAT into her either though so it’s like oh wait i didn’t know you from the beginning instead of hello old friend but you’re different lol)

about the concerts, thanks 🥰🥰 that’s so sweet what you did for your mom too, it’s nice seeing them so happy like 🥲 awh AND GLEE IS AND WAS MY LIFE FOR A V V LONG TIME, i’ve been meaning to rewatch it for the longest time lmaooo but i’m just so lazy and it’s such a commitment... i’ll have to get emotionally involved again and idk if i want that rn. but i have a friend on instagram and she runs a glee fan account and it’s such a big part of her life i really don’t think i could ever be THAT obsessed with something. like another one of my friends loves tom holland so much that she changed her mom’s name in her phone to what tom’s mom’s name is in his phone (that was confusing lol) and obviously i’m not judging them AT ALL, it just couldn’t be me lol

CONCERTS LOOK LIKE SO MUCH FUN 😩😩 LIKE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE FEELINGGG URGHSJS i wanna see a few people live like ari and chloe x halle and- hmm.... idk who else FJDSJ rex orange county i guess huh anyway, the experience just sounds so amazing and the atmosphere is just ✨✨✨ yeah

aria do it do it do it do it do it- watch hamilton!! but with subtitles bc you won’t catch half of the things they’re saying without them LMAO (me and my family watched it and they all didn’t like it bc they didn’t know what was happening lol) BUT DONT WATCH IT AT 4AM LMAO ITS LITERALLY 3 HOURS LONG

yes!! superior peter fics 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and it just shows how much of an incredible writer AND PERSON you are through your fics that you can turn a blurb into 2k....... like what.

LMAO the annoying thing, sometimes i feel like i’m bothering people (like right now HAHAH) but i think it’s my antisocial side being like yeaa no one wants to talk to you like you wanna talk to them :’) idk it’s strange!! sometimes i get really ✨insecure✨ and overthink everything LOL like is this too long, im talking too much, i’m swearing too much, oh lord i’m a pain, all that good shit lmao so that’s fun:))

ALSO YOUR BLOG IS SO FUN TO ME HAHAK LIKE ITS JUST YOUR OWN AND I LOVE THAT!!! like you talk about everything and anything on here lol,, and i say that bc what you said lmao how if i was someone else i would want to fuck me so bad😭 i honestly don’t understand how i don’t have people lining up though..... but if no one’s gonna tell you... then you tell yourself, period (and sometimes telling yourself is fucking yourself HSHAJKS OK NEXT)

ohmigosh the realization you had that you graduated last year and are going to uni this year🤧 but the fact that you had a teacher who LEFT THE GROUP CHAT bc she was mad at y’all i- 😭 but yeah about your maths (i always wondered why you guys call it maths and the US calls it math. like i know so many people out of the states, not just in the uk that say maths) teacher- i saw this post that said online school is looking a lot like dora the explorer😭😭 “you have any questions?” 🦗 “okay bye then” lmao and please i love when tests have nothing to do with what you studied like ??? thanks? sometimes i get scared that my teacher will somehow find out that i googled everything? or like my answer is too close to the answer sheet or something. i get sooo nervous lol but i’m already past that point of not being able to do anything myself DHJS i mean i’m still learning like i said!! read the question, read the answer. boom. now i know the answer to the question and i learned!

THANKS 🙈🥰🤧 idk how else to explain my feelings LMAO i feel it’s cool that you find my dance lessons and voice lessons cool so thanks :’)

oh god not headache season 😭😭 allergies are the worst like it’s not even funny. is headache season just when the seasons are changing or is it like... all throughout the summer? cuz i love the summer lmaoo i love the winter too but i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO

GIRL IF THAT BIRD DONT STOP CHIRPING- i am 100% convinced that it is the same bird trying to give you headaches and no sleep and it needs to stfu 😤 and pLEASE ur theme is adorable and pretty and cute but also it just feels like you? idk if i’m explaining this right or if it’s bc i’ve been talking to you for a bit but it’s cute but not innocent in a way that i’m surprised that you write smut and- yeah, that didn’t make sense!! but ur new theme is gonna look pretty too and as long as you like it, it’ll be amazing🥰

yessssss the fact that megan is gonna be ur pfp YES JUST YES

edit: ok i just need to 🥺😭 sometimes u make me wanna cry cuz i feel like you’re just a kind person. i truly mean this, the fact that you celebrate yours & others stretch marks makes me so 🥺🥺🥺 i honestly don’t know anyone who has said they want need more stretch marks and it’s just all very lovely to me :’)) OKAY IMMA STOP BEING SAPPY

#yes my fake tags are back #by popular demand #aka me #and look i have actual tags this time! #i’m seriously craving water ice rn....... huh #but it’s past midnight and i fr fr want a snack #aw man #i wrote that last paragraph while doing my tags yes #and i hope you become responsible for that anon’s orgasm #assuming they had one #and i saw your response to the tom thing and yeaa when they only look like that for something and it’s like aw bae be yourself #i’m gonna shut up now and find a snack but goodnight!! morning?? IDK #IF THESE TAGS END UP AS ACTUAL TAGS I AM SO SORRY HAHAHA #alright proofreading done and i’m gonna go eat cereal

okay i‘m on my way to a driving lesson rn and afterwards i have a zoom uni thing, and then another uni thing lmao. but hopefully i can reply to this in between because i‘ve been dying to talk to you since i got this ask dldjds💘💘💘 (i really like this heart. i had a 💖 phase for a while and now it‘s 💘 (seems like a very romantic heart but.... it is what it is idk dkddj)

^okay that was literally all i wrote before my lesson lmfao. just had the worst driving lesson ever dbdvsnylkxsksj i think i‘ve gotten too used to being good at driving and now i‘ve gotten too cocky with it 🥴 anyway i‘ve had such a stressful day and overall week but tbh i‘m already feeling better bc i can (indirectly) talk to you <333

omg i went to chloe or halle (i don‘t remember who out of the two)‘s instagram the other day and found out that they are not twins alejeleksjsksj but yes oh my god their voices are literally angelic and i can‘t wait to see Halle as Ariel (Arielle??)🥰 and omg it‘s literally 2021 and we‘ve only had......... one(?) black Disney Princess like it‘s about fucking time (I might be forgetting someone, I‘m not too familiar with the new Disney films, but as far as I remember there‘s only Tiana right? (who is literally a frog for 3/4 of the film 😭😭) so yes i‘m here for it too😌😌😌 (obviously she‘s not a cartoon like tiana ekdlek but she‘s a disney princess you know what i mean ddkjdh)

pfkejdj i‘m already overwhelmed with my parents i can‘t imagine having siblings too 😭😭 (sometimes i wish i had siblings but then other times (like after reading what you wrote dksjj) i‘m glad that i‘m an only child lmao like your brothers being mean to you and i remember when you cried and he was just like 👁👄👁 ok. like i’m totally okay being an only child sksjsj———and he doesn‘t listen to music 🤧🤧🤧 (although i guess that‘s good for you because at least he can‘t annoy you by listening to loud music that you hate dmdn)

okay okay i might watch wandavision then??? I‘ll definitely let you know!!! and yes omg i‘m loving tfatws (that really is so fucking hard to type omg) but same i totally get what you mean, i‘m not used to watching action series at all and every episode so far has been like a little movie so i‘m glad that i didn‘t wait until it was all out cause there’s no way i could binge watch that lol) and yes last episode was really intense. i‘m glad that marvel are talking about racism because (from what i‘ve seen) they haven‘t been the best in that department, and i‘m really curious to see what they‘ll do in the next episodes (curious isn‘t the right word but excited isn‘t the right wort either, like i‘m excited but in a neutral way ? i‘ll shut up dslsksj i hate that german has so many words that you cant translate because theres a really good german word that describes how i’m feeling but i cant think of a good translation ugh)

okay i absolutely need to watch lion king (and part 2 and 1/ 1/2 dksksj) AND hamilton, i might even do it soon 👀

BURGERS AT THE CINEMA? EBEEISNDBEKSK i‘ll come to the US just to go and watch a movie lmaooo, i think all the popcorn sizes and drinks are bigger as well, i‘ll come and watch chaos walking with you 😌😌 does next week work?

and yeah i‘ve seen posts with specific time stamps and trigger warning for cherry too so if you haven’t looked on tumblr yet i’ve def seen some! (but ive also seen some on twitter and yeah- i mean idk youve probably looked on tumblr but yeah- then there’s also imdb which doesn’t have time stamps i believe but quite specific warnings, mostly without spoilers!)

Tbh i don‘t think i would have even considered watching cherry if tom wasn‘t in it... (i’m personally fine with most of the triggering topics/things like for some reason i’m just stoic when i’m watching the most tragic films ever dldldldlbut the plot just... idk if it‘s for me you know? just entertainment wise?).... and even with tom in it i‘m unsure skeldls, i‘d totally get if you decide not to watch it but let me know if you do i‘d want to hear your thoughts! <3

SKSLSJJ my sims both finally graduated!! i think i played sometime last week, and i literally got the achievement/notification that i‘d been playing with this household for 24hours.... and that was BEFORE they graduated dldjdldkdksjjs

oh no my tumblr broke and three paragraphs of me talking about sims were deleted 😭😭😭

WAIT NO I TOOK SCREENSHOTSSKSK because i couldn’t press save so i knew they might be gone okay okay okay i‘m a genius

*move out

oh no idk if the quality is too bad to read... idk how good your eyes are dkdkdjjd (also sometimes it will be really bad quality for some but not for others so i hope that the you can see the pics in a normal/good quality)

Okay let me continue

OMG THE ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL STUFF IS THE BEST PART ABOUT THE SIMS DIDLDKJIkdkj i kind of miss how in the sims 3 they would be making out basically lying on top of each other if they were on a bed— but in sims 4 when they‘re sitting next to each other and everything that‘s definitely hot too 😌😭 or with hot tubs dkdkdk how one sim climbs on the other sim‘s lap before they woohoo (i used to make them skinny dip in the hot tub and then make out and woohoo so they’re like naked on top of each other even if you can‘t see anything- en e waysss)

Dkdkdkdj so @ Rindfleischet.. blah bla. so it‘s basically just loads of individual words put together/connected and that‘s a really big part of german. so yesterday i had an online Einführungsveranstaltung for uni (like it was a zoom meeting where they just talked about general stuff about the uni and i was really anxious before, idk why, but it turned out absolutely fine so) and that words consists of the two words Einführung (introduction) and Veranstaltung (event) which are also two individual words but you can make a new word (Einführungsveranstaltung, so in english that‘s basically “introduction event“ lmao) by combining those two words. there are obviously some rules like you can‘t just combine random words in a random order but you can basically make infinite words (technically). for example (i feel like i‘m teaching a class just skip this if you don’t care 🙃🙃🙃djdjdkdlns)

for example i could say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer (which is not underlined with red by tumblr because it is a grammatically correct compound word (i think that‘s what they‘re called?)) which is the words introduction + event + participant, so that word just means “participant of an introductory event“ but instead it‘s one word? i hope that makes sense? dkdkkdksks i mean it makes sense in german but idk if it makes sense to you cause idk if i‘m explaining it very well lmao,

(I just deleted a really really long paragraph that i wrote about gender in the german language and grammar, you‘re welcome slsksksj)

my capacity to think has now been used up for the week 🥴🥴🥴 i absolutely do not blame you if you just skipped over that part or can‘t be bothered to (re)read my awful explanation edkflsksjdjdj (again, i had double the amount of words but i just deleted it dkdkdlslsl but what‘s left lf my german lesson is probably confusing enough already😭i‘m sorry🥴)

so to answer your question LEJDKSKJ: it‘s really common to have long words in german, words that are just word+ word+ word + word made into one long word. obv rindfleischetikettierung..... is a very extreme example and it‘s normally just 2-4 words made into one! So yup i think that comes mostly from german and talking german and growing up here and going to school here and everything dmdfnsksx

i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌— YES. YES. Yes. I love that about us 😌😌🥰🥰/ I love us. Yes.

okay but your friend changing her mom‘s name into tom‘s mum‘s name (was that right? Dkdkdjh)—— so Justin Bieber once posted something where you could see that his Dad‘s number was saved as „Daddy Cakes“ (which, thinking back, sounds very weird ekejjej) and till this day I have my Dad’s contact name as Tata (which is serbian for Dad lmao), “Tata🍰“ in my phone because of it 😭😭😭😭🙃🙃🙃 it‘s not because of justin anymore like i‘ve just gotten used to it by now but at first i did it because of justin lol........ but nowadays i don‘t think i‘m THAT type of fan of anyone- like you know how people have fandom names (Justin‘s fans are the Beliebers, One Direction fans are Directioners (writing that hurt my soul💔💔💔)) and I wouldn‘t consider myself a fan of anyone like that. like even with tom i wouldn‘t call myself........ does tom even have a name for his fans??? Well if he does, I wouldn‘t call myself that. Like i used to be such a hardcore stan for any celebrity that i liked and now it‘s just... okay, i like em. (She says on her blog where she writes fan fiction about Tom Holland — WJDJEJDKELSKSKKSNSNDXB🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃)

Omg rex orange county!!!!!! I don‘t know that many songs like I‘ve only listened to the album pony, but i love it 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

thanks again for what you said about my fics/writing I‘m🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Pete Davidson Pete Davidson Pete Davidson I‘m-🥰🥰🥰🥰 and I can‘t explain why. But as blissfulparker said the other day (i don‘t want to tag her and make her read through all of this lolll) “I like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death 😍“ (or something along the lines of that) eskkejs okay pete isn‘t that bad, he looks quite good on some days but other days you‘re like... is this man alive? Like i don‘t want to be mean I love Pete so much The King of Staten Island is literally my favourite film ever (although it‘s not my #1 because of how he looks, but i mean he does look good) VUT ALSO

(Okay i was gonna look for a terrible picture of him but he really doesn‘t look as bad as people say??? like. i think he‘s hot. can‘t necessarily explain why. so that‘s that on that.)

i‘m not going chronologically right now (i just keep scrolling up to your ask and replying to whatever i see first sksksksh) so i might miss a thing or two that you said

Okay Stormzy, you really really don‘t have to dkdkdjd like i think you said you don‘t really listen to rap, and uk rap is a whole nother thing from us rap because of the accent i feel like??? (That sentence did not make sense) BUT if you‘re looking for a few songs that aren‘t like RAP rap, then I‘d recommend One Second (feat HER), Superheroes, Own it (which you might know?), ummm maybe the song Lessons?, he has a ton of Lion King references by the way dkdjdj for example in Rachael‘s Little Brother but that‘s like more RAP again if you know what I mean?😭 and it‘s also like 5 Minutes long and tbh i only started liking that song a year after that album came out lmao but Rachael‘s Little Brother is possibly my fav Stormzy song, then there is Shut Up which you absolutely need to listen to just for fun dldjdjd like it‘s just pure fun and also a little funny lmao, especially if you‘re not British (i imagine so at least) cause he‘s like shuTTTT up idk dldkdjdldkjdhdhfjfbfldlsksksks

Vossi Bop is one of his classics, and then maybeee - ok so there‘s Blinded By Your Grace Pt. 2 lmaoobdjsj it‘s very (Christian/) religious but i like it a lot even though i‘m not really Christian (at least not practicing or anything) so idk about your views on religion but i do like the song a lot just by like the sound lmao

Okay so again you absolutely DO NOT have to listen to any, especially not for me dlskdj but I really do recommend the songs Superheroes, One Second and Rachael‘s Little Brother (and all the other ones i mentioned but if you don‘t listen to a lot of his songs you should at least give these three a try <3333) also let me know some of your songs? 🥺 like i dont care who they‘re by but i‘d love to listen to some that you like and Recommend 🥰🥰🥰

Okay so skdjdjdjddhhddhdhjsk... I used to watch all of my series in German (like H2O) bc obviously they were on german tv so they were german- and i knew that most of these actors i saw on tv were american and i was always SO fascinated that they all learned german for this show??? Like I actually thought they were the people‘s real voices and that these English and American actors were learning german so they could re-record the whole ass show and do everything in german dkdkdldjdjjd... i swear I thought that until I was like 14 omg. And then the first time that I watched H2O in the original version i was sooo confused about their accents because to me all actors who spoke english were American?? I mean MOST of those shows are American so I wasn‘t completely off but yeah i was definitely caught off guard when I heard all of their Australian accents for the first time 💀💀😭😭😭

@ math vs maths, math actually makes more sense in my opinion. like you have the word mathematics, then the abbreviation would obviously be math... why would English people randomly add the s from the end??? Or maybe it makes more sense after all because it‘s like plural??? Now I‘m unsure dkdkdkdj but i do say maths because that‘s how i was taught to say it and i hear the word maths more than math but yeah dldkdjs i think math might even make more sense (okay i just tried saying math and maths is easier to pronounce but again tjat might just be me, oh god i‘ll stop talking about that disgusting thing (mathematics).)

not the crickets and dora LMAOOOSNSNSMDNBS yeah that teacher was... a lot. a lot a lot a lot didjjd but she kinda liked me so she always gave me good grades/marks but the people she didn‘t like..... ooft. OOF.

Fksksjsj idek about headache season like i just know that i get headaches from the sun and i‘m allergic to only one.. type of...pollen??? (I don’t understand the science of that whole pollen thing and idek if it’s called pollen in english i just know sex pollen from fan fics😔)and yeah we have this weird wind that makes a lot of people get headaches yeahd dkdkdj. i loved the i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO lllioool i love that i really do. i always struggle so much in the summer cause i never have anything to wear. i feel like i buy so many new summer clothes every year but when i end up looking for an outfit i don‘t ever find anything 😭 (so i just go naked— lmao jk jk) but i‘m generally not the biggest fan of summer so-

OMG THIS FUCKING BIRD ISTG, okay the first time i heard it i went to sleep at like 5 am, so the next day i was like let me go to bed earlier so the bird doesn‘t keep me up, so i went to bed at 4 am (🥲) and THE BIRD JUST STARTED FUCKING CHIRPING SO LOUDLY, so the next day i went to bed at 3 am AND IT FUCKING STARTED AT 3 AM and it‘s still there 😁 every. night.

and since you said you‘ve gotten used to my theme and everything (idk where this transition came from😭) so tomorrow (2nd april) we have our... wait what‘s an anniversary but for a month.? I think month is like mensus in latin OK NO THATS DEF WRONG DKDKDJ wait

So Tomorrow is our... mensiversary💘💘💘💘💘💘 or at least from the first time you sent an ask. i couldn‘t find it on my tumblr anymore because tumblr is a bit of a bitch but i remember the first thing you ever sent (in an ask) was something lovely about my writing and i always take screenshots of stuff like that, and i found it in my gallery. and i took that screenshot of your ask on the 2nd of march so i‘m assuming that‘s when you sent it 🥰🥰 i feel like i‘ve known you for a week not a month like how is it a month already????? (i mean this in a good way lmao but i really can’t believe that its been a month wtf)

omg no you make me want to cry because i just love you so much 😭😭🥺 but about the stretch mark thing it‘s just.. it‘s not even me trying to empower other women (or anyone else who has stretch marks) to shake off these dumb insecurities that the patriarchy and capitalism have instilled in us— ok no it‘s definitely that too lmao. But i mean I‘ve always loved stretch marks, i‘ve just always loved loved loved them so much so it makes me genuinely sad that people don‘t like them. so yeah. i dont really know how to explain it lol, like i‘m not (only) hoping that people realise that hating your stretch marks is giving the men and the patriarchy what they want per se- (that made no sense) it‘s just because i love stretch marks and think they‘re beautiful and also sexy. idk dldkdjls and omg the fact that you called me kind 🥺🥺🥺 like i don‘t really have a goal in life or anything, but if i had to choose a ‘goal‘ in life it would just be to be kind. (i‘ll end this here otherwise i‘m gonna talk about being kind for 30 more lines—)

And please. Do not ever feel like you‘re annoying me or sending too much. never ever ever. I get so happy when i see that you‘ve sent me an ask. No matter if it‘s a long one like this or just a short one where you‘re saying something about a post that i reblogged or something. I love hearing from/about you and talking to you 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

P.S: i‘m so sorry for the tags you‘re about to read they make even less sense than this post, also i reached the tag limit dkdkdj but i said some butterfly tattoos look tacky... and the next thing i said was since we‘re already speaking about Ariana- I DID NOT MEAN THAT SHE WAS TACKY dldkdjsj, i meant since you already mentioned some of her tattoos lmao

[mc-slowwalker]

hahahahha that’s funny lol (saying that the author of the common enemy fics is c!dream) but yeah common enemy definitely won’t fix the issues cause it’s the cycle of violence that they have to break and that definitely will not be fixed easily

woooo syndicate supremacy (I’ve finally learned how to spell syndicate correctly through our conversation lol) they’re definitely doing better than other people on the server and I love that for them! oh yeah either or both c!tommy and c!dream definitely need to reflect on the fact that they’re both make eachother worse. I absolutely loved how that fic handled that aspect of it because closure and freedom is exactly what I want for c!dream and c!tommy more than anything. yeah exactly!! which is why I don’t like the idea of c!dream dying either cause it just leaves everything unresolved. I doubt that’ll happen in canon tho

yea!! can’t wait for the angst! cc!wilbur just posted on reddit about ghostbur so we’ve already got some more of it 😔✌️which also reminds me that I’m sooo interested to see how c!dream is like once he’s out of prison because so much of the fandom believes different thing and there’s no way that he’s gonna be better or changed cause he’s had no opportunity to plus he’s been through terrible torture for so long and I can’t wait to see the effect of that. which also reminds me that I’ve seen lately that a lot of the fandom seems to think that c!dream was put in the prison as a punishment when it was less about that and more about the fact that he could revive people and that his last canon life would have been taken if not for that fact. a lot of the fandom says he deserves the prison but not the torture as a punishment but that’s not why he was put in the prison and if that was the case literally every other character would deserve the same punishment as well as they’re all characters that have done bad things. I feel like my typing is just getting more and more rambly and less and less well punctuated lol sorry

oh yeah those fandom rules definitely make sense. especially as someone who has been in online fandom spaces for like a long time and has seen all the tumblr discourse lol. like yeah those rules were actually not bad and don’t send death threats or harass people shouldn’t have to be said as much as it is in mcyttwt. I really do wish that the young people in this fandom realise that they’re allowed to just have fun and do what they like in fandom

I think that taking into account the fact that a character is a minor is definitely important I just disagree with the way that a lot of people use it as such a final argument that doesn’t leave room for discussion. yeah I’m the same like when I was younger I used to think I was so grown up but like I’m 18 now and I realise that that’s still so young even though at 18 I’m an adult. basically like the “child” argument is not so black and white either like instead of a defence I think it’s more something that should be taken into account when discussing a characters actions and I definitely agree with the characters you’ve added as people who that can be extended to. and yeah like in real life the minors would face soo many more consequences it’s kind of funny like everyone would but with it being such a prominent topic of discussion it’s funnier applying real life rules to dsmp is often so funny. I agree c!tommy should 100% pay taxes that would be hilarious

ooh yeah the three life system interesting cause at first glance you’d think it makes them worth less but evidently not and I do wonder how the characters see it. like you said with c!foolish and c!puffy it was traumatic to take a first life but for some it just seems as chances and the last life is what actually matters. who it’s against and also circumstance I think matters. I also tend to brush off c!tommy taking two of c!dream’s lives but I also tend to brush off the canon lives lost during the first l’manburg war as it was war and c!dteam and co were just better. I suppose I’m an everything but l’manburg apologist because of its foundations ig although I can still understand and acknowledge it’s importance to the characters such as c!tommy. I’ve seen it said that c!dream deserves prison because he took two of c!tommy’s canon, amongst other reasons of course, but so many other characters have taken canon lives and how do you determine the consequence of that in the dsmp cause in irl it’s very different and in the dsmp so far there really is no consequence for murder. like for example c!punz took two of c!wilburs canon lives (I stan him for that I’m a punz simp what can I say) and other characters have taken canon lives too. hmm I wonder what determined the severity of crimes on the dsmp cause the one character that’s in prison wasn’t actually put in there for his crimes.

hahahaha yeah I just can’t wait till we finally don’t have to reach that much

ahaha fair enough I just sometimes type too fast and autocorrect never seems to know what I want to say and I do not have the brain power to proof read a single thing I write. also I type out the asks in notes and after I sent the last one I was like damn that was really long and pasted it into pages to check. and oh my god this one is over a thousand words that’s like longer than one of essays I wrote for my philosophy final exam😭😭 I am so sorry

I will say though that I am quite enjoying this discussion cause it’s the most in depth discussion I’ve been able to have about this

I saw the angst wilbur put on reddit that mother fucker (affectionate) I actually have a rewlly weird relationship with wilbur’s meta lore. Things I accept: sally is a salmon, fridge mom, all the characters being morally gray. Things I don’t accept: whatever he was trying to do with character ages, also saying revivebur was straight when c!tommy saw him and quackity making out like nice try king. One of my biggest issues with the sever is that I get so easily attached to mobs/npcs in dream smp and they die so easy so Im always sobbing,,,, if anything happens to shroud, yogurt, michael (notchill), or fran I’ll mcfucking lose it

For c!dream getting out of prison I see there being only two routes: 1. he’s worse by a lot more evil more fucked up or 2. He’ll be actually too fucked up/tired/traumatized to do shit. Either of which is gonna hurt the sever so I’m looking forward to it personally

Other real life things I think should be implemented into dream smp: jury duty, required 3 life insurance, dentsits, and OSHA

I do think the rebellion against c!dream (in the final control room) is really interrsting in that c!tommy/c!punz was about to organize a bunch of the server against dream? I know c!tommy has amazing puppy eyes tm but c!punz was able to organize a big group of people, half of them didn’t really have that much against dream (other than the l’manburg people) and were only there on more vague terms. Like c!hbomb and c!ponk really didn’t have shit against dream but still helped in getting him into prison

I feel like we’re always gonna have to reach a little bit and oh shit 1,000 words? Bruh half my classes require that and I have yet to actually right that much. it’s way easier with stuff you’re passionate about and with all the content dream smp has gives way more to analyze

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #323

“dehumanized upon a shell  /  we came to bleed it dry  /  obsessed with divine wealth  /  divide and multiply”

Have you ever drawn on someone’s face while they were sleeping? No. Would you scuba dive in shark infested waters if you had the chance? No thanks. What is your favorite slow song? There are so many, but one of the slowest and most beloved of mine is "Obstacles" by Syd Matters. It gives me goosebumps without fail. It's one song I know I want at my hypothetical wedding. If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? I mean, yeah. I'd want to know their intentions. If your best friend died, would you be able to speak at their funeral? It'd be extremely difficult, but if I had any say in it, I absolutely would. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times it causes too much pain, depending on the pictures, of course. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? Definitely not. My life is painfully uneventful. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? I don't know. Do you have a house phone? No. Which fast food place do you eat at the most? McDonald's. Have you ever met someone on the Internet in real life? Yep. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Do you like being in pictures? No. Do you travel a lot? Essentially never, even though I'd love to. Do you play any sports? No. Do you like pickles? Yesssss. How many times have you been kicked out of a store? Never. Is there things you’ve told someone that you’ve NEVER told anyone else? Probably. When was the last time you had alcohol? My birthday dinner last month. Are you one to often make typos? No, except when I'm texting. I have autocorrect on for a reason. On a hot day, would you rather prefer ice cream or a popsicle? Ice cream. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, but I just didn't want to drink anymore at one point. I'm far from a lightweight, apparently. Have you played cards recently? No. Is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist? Mother Mother immediately comes to mind, but not the main singer; he's great. The woman who occasionally joins in is fucking horrendous. Like, it hurts my ears. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't and never have really headbanged, surprisingly. It's a sure-fire way to make me dizzy. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I hope not... Sometimes I feel like it's time with photography, but I just. Can't. Have you ever captured a moth? I've raised a caterpillar into one before, then of course let it go. Is there a band/artist who has strange lyrics but you love them anyway? Otep, noteably. When was the last time you wore earrings? It's been a long time. How many pairs of heels do you own? I don't think I have any. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? Uhhhh it's been at the very least a month, but I know more. Would you consider yourself to be physically strong? Absolutely not, especially my legs. I struggle to fucking walk because they're so weak. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a really fat cat? No, we never have. We've always been good about keeping our pets at a healthy weight. Do your initials spell a word? No. When was the last time you went to a playground? A year or so ago when I was taking pictures of someone's son, as well as just general family photos. That same family just had another baby the other day. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No. Do you have a favorite curse word in a different language? No. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multipication times tables? Lol not most of them, no... It's been way too long. Do you have a favorite font on the computer? Of the basic ones, probably Garamond. Are you good at creating logos? *shrugs* I've only ever really made my photography watermarks, and I only JUST made one I like pretty well. How about catch phrases? I don't make those. Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've actually had numerous dreams where I was pregnant, but I don't THINK I've had one where the baby was born yet. Do you or anyone you know have a rabbit? No. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? Hm, nothing too weird, I think. Last song you got stuck in your head? "ALTÆR" by 3TEETH. Last song you listened to? ^ Favorite movie quote? I don't know. Maybe Rafiki's quote about the past hurting, but you should take that opportunity to learn. Favorite lyric? That is impossible. There are so, so very many that just like slather me in goosebumps. What magazine are you an avid reader to? None. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? I have. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? Man, take me the hell back to my WiiFit days. I was pretty damn fit. The last time I did it, it was seriously alarming how much I struggled doing things that were once pretty effortless. When growing up, did you parents keep the house very tidy? "Very" seems a bit too much, but Mom definitely kept it in order. How many watches do you own? None. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? Yes. Emergencies happen. Do you have any gay relatives? Yes; my mom has a cousin who's gay. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? Not recently, no. If so, what was the reason? ^ What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? Oh, y'know, dropping out of college three fucking times. Once I pay my own bills and I truly understand finances, that's going to fucking wreck me. Do you like metal music? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck yeah. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Heavy and symphonic. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? My mom for bringing home lunch recently. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? Maybe like a month when I was technically homeless? How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? It was preeeetty rough. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? A microwavable breakfast bowl. Do you go on the computer or watch TV more? Guess. Explain why you are single: Because I'm a very, very underdeveloped "adult" that has very little clue what she's doing. At my age, I and any potential partner should want someone with direction. What feature do you usually get most complimented on? My hair. Has anyone ever accused you of being gay? Well, I'm bi. I had this weird therapist once in middle school though who asked if I was a lesbian... Idk why she did? What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? I'm in an advanced ball python husbandry group, and while a lot of people there are utter, degrading elitists, they do have valuable information. Did you name all of your stuffed animals and dolls? I sure did as a kid. What would you have your bridesmaids wear? Probably black dresses, and I think it'd be really cool if I were to marry a woman, the bridesmaids wear checkered Converses colored into a rainbow pattern, or something like that. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? I think Alaska, if it was a good time to see the Northern Lights. Are you sick right now? No, thankfully. Do you feel loved? Yes. Do you like your butt? Why or why not? God no. I have such a flat ass. Are you ashamed of your faith? I'm assuming by this you mean religion, in which case, I don't have one and am not ashamed of that. Has anyone ever tried to force their beliefs on you? Yes. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? Again, I'm bisexual. I have never had a personal act of homophobia inflicted upon me, though. Have you ever been accused of being homophobic? Yes, because I was for most of my life. Fucking repulsive to remember. "Repulsive" is much too gentle a word, but yeah. It is so, so embarrassing to recall myself ever believing it was wrong because my then-religion said no-no. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I have two pets. I would be so, so lonely without any. :/ I've had pets my entire life. Who was the last person you went on a date with? Sara. How long has it been since that last time you went on a date? Like two or so years. Do you think babies are cute? They can be, but I usually don't find them all that cute, honestly. Especially newborns/very young infants. They're usually hideous. My youngest niece is actually the only newborn that I remember seeing that I thought was absolultely precious. What is your favorite style of pants? Ripped skinny jeans. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. Who was the last person who broke your heart? Jason. ^Do you still miss this person? I'm sure I always will to some degree. Do you have someone to talk to and share your secrets with? Sara more than anyone, but Mom, too. Is there someone you feel extra shy around? Just men in general. Have you been hurt more by friend break-ups or romantic break-ups? Romantic. Closest living thing to you? My snake's terrarium is against the opposite wall. She's in her hide. Would you rather drown or burn alive? Drown. You go unconscious first, so. And I'd assume it to be faster than burning alive. Also me no like hot. :'''( Who is the last person you got really pissed off with? My stepmother posted some ignorant bullshit on Facebook about how people blow out of proportion our "supposed" environmental crisis. I nearly deleted her right then and there. I take that shit seriously. Most of her beliefs drive me insane, honestly, but she's a wonderful person at heart, so I just bit my tongue. Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? Girt. What type of sushi do you like to eat? Never tried it, don't want to. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Yes. Do you have any flowers in your room? No. Do you know anyone that owns horses? Yes. Well, I took pictures for her family, anyway. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? Jesus, yes. My little sister. Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? Neither are "big" health freaks, especially not Dad when you consider he smokes and knows it'll be what kills him. My mom is diabetic though, so she's reasonably careful. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We don't have any. Ma tries to keep snacks out of the house for both hers and my sake. If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear? OH BOY idk. I'd probably spend days planning the "perfect" thing. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I do. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Yep, my band teacher. He was incredibly loved by literally everyone. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? Neither's. They both have brown eyes. What’s the best date movie? We gonna have a problem if you don't watch The Notebook w/ me if I have it on lmao. How long has your current best friend been your best friend? Many years now. (: Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I might swear under my breath, but I don't yell. Would you rather name your daughter Andrea or Eva? Andrea. If you were adopted, would you want to know? Yes. Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't care less about someone's eyebrows. Do your pets chase after bugs? Oh yes, Roman certainly does. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Hmmm... this actually happened recently, but I don't remember why... What is your mom’s favorite movie? I don't know, actually. I think it's some romance one. What TV family reminds you of your own family? None, really. Do you know anyone who always looks perfect? Who? One of my best high school friends Alon was like... just always pristinely beautiful, it seemed like. I haven't seen many pictures of her lately, but I'm sure that hasn't changed. Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? I think so once, yes. Who was the main character in the last book you read? A dragon named Sunny. Who are the last people you saw kiss? On the lips, I'm sure it woulda been my sister and her husband. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Clouds, I think. Well, it would depend on their design, I guess, and time of day. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? Probably my mom. Does your best friend get along with their parents? She has a wonderful relationship with them. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? I was the fat, hideous, crying bridesmaid. ;x; Are you purposely hiding something from someone? No. What’s the most intimate thing you’ve discussed with a stranger? My suicide attempt with doctors. What, if anything, do you substitute for fries? I always get fries. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? No. Are you in an argument with anyone right now? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Yes. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? My grandmother. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. Have you friended your parents on FB? Mom, yes. Dad doesn't have one. What’s the last tourist area you visited? Chicago. Mice or roaches? Mice are precious, meanwhile I hate roaches. Did you give or get any Valentines this year? No. Well, Mom bought me and my sisters each a delicious candy apple, if that counts? What’s your homepage? Google. Is there anyone whose grave you visit? No.

[taronunwin]

My thoughts on the Game of Thrones finale that no one asked for and pretty much a script of my perfect ending.

Honestly I’m so much happier after writing this and I can move on with my life now.

PLEASE NOTE: I’ve been watching GoT for like 4 months now and I know that probably most of the names below are misspelled as I know how they sound but not how they’re spelled exactly. Please forgive me. I’m literally too lazy to spell-check every word and name from the show. Please autocorrect them in your mind ;)

So my fear going into this episode was that Jon was going to die, or come very close. To some extent, yes I’m very pleased that he didn’t but the ending was still incredibly unsatisfying for his character. Why build up all the King of the North/True Heir to the Iron Throne/Prince that was Promised stuff only to have him go back to where he ‘came from’ and be a nobody at the wall? I saw someone say that he rejected it and became a Wildling with them. I dunno about that, I took that last scene as Jon helping to return the Wildlings to their land and help them resettle before returning to the Watch. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, incredibly unsatisfying with no real explanation of what that last scene meant for him.

Here’s what I really hoped would happen, in a perfect world where I wanted some tragedy but also a good ending for Jon:

Excluding what I would change in the rest of season 8, the one major thing I would change is that Jon kills the Night King. Obviousfreakingly. He wasn’t on a dragon the whole time, he was in the trenches with his men. Epic battle, some explanation for who the Night King was and what the motives were (and I love the headcanon that Bran was in fact the Night King but I’m going to ignore that for this), and a satisfying end to that really cool storyline. After that, Jon is even more loved by the people and hailed as the hero who saved Westeros. Dany continues being jealous of the love they have for him and trying to convince him to hide his identity. The rest happens as it happens because I don’t have the energy to change everything else, haha.

At the finale, after talking to Tyrion, Jon is terribly torn. He can’t reconcile what Dany did at all and he’s struggling to figure out his next step. He goes to the throne room and talks to Dany as he did but instead of giving the ‘You are my Queen’ thing with the kiss and what happened next, he says, “I can’t stand beside someone who would slaughter an entire city because of their ruler’s choices. Dany, I beg you. Offer mercy now and lead with kindness and justice, not fire and blood.”

Daenerys cooly steps back, hearing an unspoken ‘or I will be forced to take my rightful place’, and calls for her soldiers. Jon doesn’t fight, he knows he’s signed his death warrant by opposing her while his lineage makes him more of a threat now than ever, and he’s taken outside. The remaining terrified people left in the city are gathered, the Unsullied, Dothraki, and remaining Northmen stand nearby. Jon is brought to the same place that Ned was beheaded and forced to his knees. Dany assumes that Jon has enough Targaryen in him to be fireproof so Drogon isn’t called.

We see Arya in the distance. Her eyes widen in horror. She was waiting at the city gates for Jon but knew something was wrong when he didn’t come. She starts pushing through the crowd. Jon closes his eyes without seeing her, accepting his fate, just as Ned did.

Dany says that opposition will not be tolerated and orders Grey Worm to behead Jon. The Northmen begin to riot and the other two other armies clash with them. Dany looks over the crowd and doesn’t notice Arya coming up behind her. A blade, Needle, stabs through Dany’s chest, straight through her heart. She cries out and Jon’s eyes jerk open. He looks over and sees only Dany. Arya is already gone, but Needle is left. Jon focuses on it and his eyes widen even more. Dany falls to the ground and Grey Worm rushes over. Jon stays on his knees, taking in the chaos and the blood pooling. He’s in shock.

The soldiers are fighting each other, barely noticing their Queen’s fall. She stares at Grey Worm, in pain and terrified, until her eyes slip closed and she dies. Grey Worm wants someone to blame but Jon was clearly not at fault. Jon slowly stands and walks to Dany, settling beside her. This wasn’t how he wanted it to end. He had so hoped that she would change her mind, and he knows that Arya did it so he’s equally afraid that she will be caught. He looks around uselessly, knowing that he won’t see her anywhere.

Grey Worm removes the blade and lays his Queen down. He stands, lifting it high. He calls for justice, gaining the soldier’s attention finally and they see what’s happened. He demands to know who the blade belonged to and whoever finds the owner will be given a reward. Jon stays silent, staring at Daenarys. He stays there as Grey Worm and several of the soldiers leave in search of Dany’s killer. Jon lifts her the way he did with Ygritte and cries for her. In the distance, Drogon is heard screaming.

Some time has passed by the time we see Tyrion as he’s being released from jail by Jon. Tyrion asks if Jon was the one who killed Dany. When he finds out that Jon is innocent, he manages a smile. “I suppose nothing stands between you and the Iron Throne now.”

Jon isn’t pleased and he repeats, for the last time, “I don’t want it. I’ve seen what that thing does to people, how it corrupts them, how it makes people insane. I want no part of it.”

Tyrion is thoughtful. He completely understands Jon’s fear, after all the majority of people who have sat on the Throne in recent years were crazy, in one way or another. “The throne is not what changes people, Jon. It’s the lust for power that changes a person. And you have no such lusts. Even if you were a bastard and your father wasn’t a Targaryen , I can’t think of anyone who would be a better fit for power. You have had it and you have used it well. You have shown both mercy and justice. You’ve made hard decisions and you’ve seen the good and the bad that comes from them. You killed the Night King. The people love you—and not because of everything you’ve done but because of who you are: a good man. And isn’t it time that a good man sits on the Iron Throne?”

Jon sits, overwhelmed. “Would you want that kind of power?”

“Me? No. No, I fear it might go to my head, too. I am a Lannister after all and our lusts have always been our downfall.” Jon is silent so Tyrion sits next to him and quietly asks, “What do you want, Jon? You’ve said time and time again what you do not want, but what do you want?”

The young man’s eyes are filled with tears when he replies, “I want my father to be alive. I want Catelynn to be alive. I want Robb and Rickon to be alive. I want Sansa to have been protected. I want Arya to have stayed in Winterfell and never seen how awful the world outside is. And I want Bran to be... Bran.”

Tyrion smiles faintly. “Your greatest desire is for your family’s safety and protection. That is good. But what about you? Where do you want to go from here if not up those steps?” he asks, motioning to the throne room.

“Home.”

“Is that Winterfell?”

Jon nods.

“Then go.”

Jon glances at him, frowning. “I thought you’d put up more of a fight.”

Tyrion smiles. “Imagine for a moment that the Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms doesn’t rule from the Iron Throne. Imagine that he lives among his people and protects them, as a King should. Imagine if he ruled from the dining hall in his beloved home instead of a throne room painted with blood.” Jon is obviously doing just that. “You’ve already been the King in the North. You need only add a few more titles after that.”

Jon is silent for a long moment before a bell outside sounds. He stands suddenly. “I have to go.”

The former Hand of the Queen sighs. “Will you not even consider it? I thought I made some good points here.”

“No, it’s not that,” Jon says, inching toward the open door. “I have to go. I’ll find you later.”

Tyrion is a bit confused but he watches Jon leave. We follow Jon out of the destroyed Keep, through streets, passing people as they try to figure out how to start life over. Some people have bread for sale and a small marketplace is beginning to take shape. Jon is clearly in a hurry but he slows as he takes in the sight of people that he feels a deep longing to protect. He may not want power, but he wants to protect them. The thought stays with him as he continues and we follow him to to the beach. A small boat sits in the water with a man inside and a girl on the sand. Ser Davos waits in the boat, acknowledging Jon, and Arya smiles when she sees Jon approaching. They hug.

“You weren’t followed, right?” Jon asks, pulling away to look at her face.”

“No, no one knows we’re here, I’m sure of it. Do you have it?”

Jon smiles and removes Needle from under his cloak. He hands it to Arya and she grips the hilt tightly, possessively. “Thank you, Jon. I didn’t think I’d ever get it back.”

“You almost didn’t. Grey Worm had it under a close watch but when no one found the owner, I think he got tired of the reminder.” Jon’s smile fades. “What you did was foolish. You could have been caught.”

“But I wasn’t.”

“I know that, but you could have.”

“Jon, she was going to kill you. I couldn’t let that happen. Not again.”

He looks confused. “‘Not again’?”

“I couldn’t do anything when Father was killed. I just stood there and listened.”

Jon’s eyes widen. He didn’t know that she had seen it, or at least been close enough to hear it. He looks at the girl and sighs. She’s seen so much, and grown so much. “You know, I’ve wished for many years that things were different—as they were. But... I am so proud of you. And your sister. You both have become such strong women.”

Arya beams under his praise. “You may not be my brother by birth, but you will always be my big brother. And I’m proud of you, too.”

He smiles. “Thank you, Arya.” They hug again. “When will I see you again?”

Arya glances behind her to the boat. “I don’t know. I’m going West.”

“What is West of Westeros?”

“Exactly. I want to find out. And no one there probably even knows the name Daenerys so I’ll be safe.”

Jon’s eyes are sad. “Be safe. Please.”

She reaches as high as she can and Jon bends the rest of the way so she can kiss his cheek. “I will. And I will come back someday.”

“You’d better. I don’t know how I’ll be King with you to protect me.”

Arya’s expression blanks. “King? Are you going to take your place?”

He exhales. “I’m thinking about it.”

She smiles wide. “I can’t think of anyone better suited for it.” She turns and starts toward the boat before turning back. “You know, I don’t need someone to go with me. I can go alone.”

Jon’s sweet smile returns. “Oh I know. He’s there for my peace of mind. And he can tell me where you’ve gone when he returns so, perhaps, I can come visit.”

Our view pulls away, far away, as Arya nods, grins, and walks to the boat; gets in, and they head off while Jon watches.

Time moves forward once more as our view of a start-of-repairs Red Keep comes back into focus. Jon steps out in the same way Daenarys did at the start of the episode, but there is no great crowd awaiting him. He’s not there to make a speech, he’s ready to leave. Tyrion follows. “We will miss you here, you know. There are too many ghosts here for my liking.”

Jon looks over the city. “We all have our ghosts to live with.”

“Yes, some more than others.”

Jon looks down. “Thank you for all you’ve taught me, Tyrion. You’ve always been honest with me, even when others weren’t.”

Tyrion is obviously honoured. The two men hold each other in very high regard. “And you, Snow. Though I suppose I can’t call you that anymore.”

Jon smirks. “I like it better than Targaryen, actually.”

“Well, I certainly can’t call you the Bastard of Winterfell anymore.”

“No, and I can’t call you the Imp of Casterly Rock, either.”

Tyrion extends his hand. “Farewell then, King Jon of the Seven Kingdoms.”

Jon extends his own and they shake. “And you, Lord Tyrion of the Red Keep.”

“Actually, I like those better,” Tyrion replies with a smile.

Before Jon can reply, Drogon flies in and lands at the bottom of the stairs, bellowing in Jon’s direction. Jon looks from the dragon to Tyrion, a question in his eyes. Tyrion states, “I think your ride home has arrived.”

Jon looks unnerved. “I don’t know how to care for a dragon. And the North is no place for one.”

Tyrion gives the animal a sympathetic look. “I imagine he can take care of himself just fine, but... he’s lost everyone. You’re probably the only one he trusts now.”

With a sigh of resignation, because he still feels guilt over Dany’s death, he gives Tyrion a last nod of goodbye and descends the long staircase. At the bottom, Drogon squeals and lowers himself so Jon can step on. Still a little wary of riding a dragon, especially without Dany’s guidance or aid if necessary, he climbs on. Not knowing what to say, he simply commands, “Winterfell.”

Drogon stands, stretches his long wings out, and starts to fly. We watch the pair fly out of sight from Tyrion’s perspective. Tyrion smiles.

Winterfell comes into view after a long flight and Drogon descends, carefully landing nearby. Jon, clearly not at ease after the flight, stumbles a bit as he gets off. Turning back to face the gorgeous beast, he removes his glove and gently pets Drogon’s face. The dragon’s eyes close and sounds of contentment come from deep within. “I’m sorry about your mother,” Jon says quietly. “She was a good woman and I loved her.” He pauses, not sure what to say next. In a sense, he feels like he’s just as much apologizing to Dany herself as the dragon’s eyes focus on him. “Go. Go wherever you want and do whatever you want. But, please... don’t kill anyone. Those days are over now.”

He has no idea if the dragon understands or not but somehow, he feels like it does. Drogon stands back, makes one last noise at Jon, and then flies away. Jon watches, his cloak billowing in the wind. He turns to the gates of Winterfell and, for the first time in so long, exhales a breath it seems like he’d been holding for years. He is home.

The gates open and Sansa, Bran, Sam, Tormund, and Ghost await inside. Ghost bolts as soon as he catches sight of Jon and nearly knocks his owner over. Jon laughs, balancing himself and giving the wolf a proper rub. “I missed you, too, boy. It’s good to see you.”

He enters the city and hugs Sansa tightly, shakes Bran’s hand, hugs Sam, and stops at Tormund. “What are you doing here? Did you get too cold in the ‘Real North’?”

The bearded man laughs. “We came as soon as I got the letter from Sam. Your dog wasn’t eating much and I knew he needed his real owner. Besides, I wanted to see if you looked any different now that you’re a real King.”

Jon laughs. “And? Do I?”

"Besides the belly you have from eating like a King, no.” Tormund laughs uproariously as he strikes Jon’s abdomen before pulling him into a hug.

When they separate, Sansa, smiling, steps forward. “Can I still call you Jon?”

Jon rolls his eyes. “Yes. If I can still call you sister.”

She hugs him once more. “I will always be your sister.”

Bran clears his throat, gaining everyone’s attention. “Jon, you have work to do now. The Seven Kingdoms need you.”

Jon sighs. This isn’t what he wanted, but he knows that it’s his duty. And there was nowhere else he’d rather be, and no one he would rather be surrounded by than his family and friends.

“Do we have time to celebrate his homecoming first?” Sam asks.

Bran gives a faint smile. “So long as there are no more stories about giant’s milk.”

Jon frowns and turns to Tormund. The man’s lips are pursed out, his brow furrowed. “How did you know about that?”

“I know everything,” Bran replies.

Tormund’s confusion seems to grow. “Do you also know about the time that I killed a bear with my own hands?”

Bran nods without emotion. “Yes.”

“Can I tell that story?”

“Yes.”

Tormund throws one arm around Jon’s shoulder as they all walk into the main hall, Sam pushing Bran’s wheelchair as he and Tormund continue going through a list of Tormund’s appropriate stories. The people of Winterfell are pleased to see Jon and smile and greet him as he passes.

Their true King had returned.

THE END

[likethetailofacomet]

Viewing Party

So the other night @ooo-barff-ooo and I were talking about how much we loved our TRR MCs, Claire Berkley and Joanna Malone, and how it would be cool if they were friends and I was like well what if they were and then this happened. 

Without further ado, I give you the ultimate friendship of C and J, getting drunk together and watching everyone’s favorite fairy tale on live television: The Royal Romance- Liam and Riley’s wedding. 

FEATURING: JOANNA MALONE, CLAIRE BERKLEY, AND DAN DAN THE BARTENDER MAN. 

“See you tomorrow, Dan,” Claire called from behind the bar.  “Same bat time, same bat place.” He said over his shoulder. He gave a one handed wave and strode toward the front door and sweet freedom. He’d been there since 11 am and it was approaching midnight- the joys of working a double shift- and he was due for another one in the morning, so he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Claire had come in at 5pm, and would sling drinks until last call at 4am, when the shift workers and doctors and construction guys and fisherman had had either thier first or last drinks of the night. Joanna would open, Dan would pull the double, and Claire would close. That was the general flow.

Tonight, though, was not a general night. At roughly 5 am EST the most anticipated marriage of the year would be televised live- the Cordonian Royal Wedding-New York bartender Riley Brooks was rising to the rank of queen as she married future king Liam Rys after falling in love with him in the most modern of Cinderella stories: she took out the trash at his bachelor bash and ended up stealing his heart and his hand.

Claire checked on her ten or so customers, making sure that all of their glasses were full before slipping into the closet they called a kitchen. There was a single basket fryer, a flat top that could fit no more than four frozen burger patties, and a coffee maker. She reached for the can of Folger's on the top shelf and scooped some of it into the brew basket before jamming it into the machine and pressing "start". She leaned against the counter ledge as she waited for the deep brown liquid to fill the little clear pot, pulling her phone from her apron to text Joanna.

-Hey girl, you're stopping for snacks right? I'm starving. 

Jo had been off from work since 5pm when Claire got in. She'd gone home and taken a nap before running a few errands for the viewing party they'd been planning ever since they saw that first tabloid article about the Prince choosing his bride. Claire and Jo were not the type of girls who would normally get so involved in the billion dollar weddings of fancy rich nobles and dignitaries around the world- hell they had been invited to Steve's wedding- a guy they used to work with and actually knew without the need for magazine or television coverage- and despite their manager saying that they could close the bar for a night so everyone could go to the wedding, Claire and Jo declined, not really liking Steve...or weddings. "I have a school thing that night...um...presentation. Of my...thesis," Jo had said. She was working on her Master's degree while slaving at Keagan's, so her excuse seemed to work, even though it was a summer course and she wouldn't actually be working on her thesis for another five months.  "And um, I have an...appointment that afternoon that....I can't reschedule..." Claire chimed in her thinly veiled excuse. She did have an appointment...for hair color...and she'd really rather not reschedule it just to go sit at Steve's wedding. But this wedding, dubbed "The Royal Romance" by the media, was a different story, namely for who would be standing next to the Prince as he said his "I do's".

-Um, did you see the pictures of the Prince's friend? The dude with the hair and the eyebrows and the denim? He's all the snack we need, C. (but yes I also got snacks for eating) 

Claire laughed at Jo's response, typed out a quick one back saying how excited she was, and then poured herself a large black coffee before heading back to the bar to finish up her shift. As the last patron stumbled out the door and it shut with a tingling of bells, she flipped the sign to the closed side, locked the door and turned off the neon lights in the windows. She went back to the bar cooler and took a tray of jello shots out, setting them on the freshly cleaned bar top. She then went to her bag and took two brightly colored headbands that she’d attached lace and tooling and feathers and beads to, and set them next to the shots. Changing the channels on all the televisions to various news stations, she sat back and enjoyed the “pregame coverage” of the wedding while she waited for Joanna. Just as she finished the last of the coffee she’d brewed hours earlier, she heard a tapping at the window and looked over to see her friend waving excitedly and holding up a bag. Claire set her empty coffee mug down and crossed the bar to open the door and let Jo in.

“Welcome to the wedding of the century, Madame,” Claire greeted her with a flourish and a funny bow.

Jo did an awkward curtsy. “Why thank you Madame, so pleased I could join you.” The two dissolved into laughter and headed over to the bar. Joanna hopped up onto a stool and took stock of the things Claire had laid out while adding the bag she’d brought with her. She picked up one of the headbands and laughed. “Oh my god, Claire, did you really make us fascinators?”

Claire raised her eyebrows. “Um, yeah I made us fascinators! Riley has been obsessed with fancy hats throughout the whole social season! Homegirl would not shut up about them- like, every chance she could get to wear one she did and she even brought them up in interviews… I thought it would be weirder if I didn’t make us fascinators.”

“Good point. I really don’t know how Prince Liam is looking past that. He must really love that dizzball.” Joanna plopped the colorful headpiece on top of her noggin and Claire took the other one and shoved it into her frizzy hair. Next Joanna picked up one of the shots Claire had made. “Ew, Jell-o shots?” she made a face, pulling one half of her mouth up to show her disgust.

“Caramel apple jell-o shots, to be exact. You know, because Cordonia’s obsessed with apples? And caramel because I’m obsessed with caramel.” She shrugged. “Once we’re a few drinks in we won’t care if they’re gross.”

“So true my friend. So,” she opened the shopping bag she’d had with her and pulled out several small plastic containers. “We’ve got…olives…stuffed grape leaves…and, drum roll,” Claire obliged, rapping her pointer fingers on the bar top. “Baklava! You know cause,” Jo shrugged, “Cordonia, Greece…they’re sorta the same right?”

“Sure. Probably not but sure.” Claire laughed and Joanna tossed an olive at her.

“Okay well they are tonight. Also,” next she pulled out a sheet of paper. “I made up a drinking game for this here wedding.” On the screen they were showing a photo montage of Riley and Liam from all the different events from the social season. “Okay, rules- If anyone mentions apples, or there’s a flag with apples or we see an apple tree or they say “Cordonian Ruby”, we take one of these gross shots here,” she pointed to Claire’s Jell-o shots. “Any time we see fancy hats, or some noble lady curtsies or some dude in a suit bows, we take a sip of our ciders. If they call Riley “The American” we finish ‘em.”

“Wait, let me get this straight. You made up a drinking game with no whiskey involved?” Claire asked, skeptically narrowing her eyes at Joanna.

“I wasn’t done, C! Okay, so any time Mr. broody Mc Brooderson Drake Walker, love of our lives and real reason that we are watching this ridiculous wedding at 5am, is shown looking like he wants to kiss Riley, we do a shot of whiskey in his angsty honor. I was going to suggest Fireball but-“

“But you remember the holiday party from last year. Yeah, everyone does,” Claire hid her face in her hands embarrassed, preferring to forget that night and the drunken mess she’d been.

“Right. I remembered the holiday party and how Fireball turns you into a demon. So, I figured SoCo would do.”

“Yeah, that’s never made me dance on the bar while trying to fight Steve, so good call.”

Joanna nodded. “Any rules you want to add?”

Claire thought for a moment and then something blue and…unique…caught her eye on the screen. They were talking about Maxwell Beaumont again, and his propensity to wear themed suits. He had this hilarious blue suit with a squid on it; even the bow-tie was a tiny cephalopod. “Oh! Yes! Every time they have to pan away from that,” she pointed to Maxwell in the suit, “so as not to ruin a picture or a shot, we take a cider sip.”

Joanna laughed. “Deal. Oh! Its starting!!” She spun her stool so she could lean back against the bar to watch. Claire poured them each a cider and they clinked them together before taking a sip, pinkies out. “Ugh, and to think, this girl worked right down the street from us. Like, this coulda been us, C!”

Claire blinked before they both burst into laughter. “Yeah we’d both make excellent queens, I’m sure.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Dan unlocked the bar door and opened it, setting the bells jingling. Before he had even set one foot inside, he heard the raucous laughter of his two best friends, and shook his head wondering what he was about to walk into. “Is it just me, Jo, or does the Queen Mother look like a Royal Ducking Bitch?” Claire’s voice was sing songy and full of laughter.

Joanna was laying her arms and top half on the bar top, laughing hysterically, almost to the point where she couldn’t get her words out. She managed to respond, “Quack, mother ducker!!” before giggles swallowed her ability to speak further.

“Did…did you two really just autocorrect yourselves?” Dan called, hands on his hips taking in the scene in front of him. They each had a funny looking headband dangling from their heads, empty jello glasses littered the bar, and at least three shots of whiskey each sat next to them. If only Drake hadn’t been pining for Riley The American Queen so badly, they wouldn’t have had to nearly finish the bottle of SoCo.

“Yes, Dan, we are at a fancy ducking event here.” Claire pointed to her fascinator, to how it was barely staying together after she and Jo had danced and drank and laughed and flopped against the bar top.

“Yeah, and we can’t be ducking rude and curse like sailors, Dan!” Joanna chimed in. “The Queen would not allow it!”

“She would not!” they had put on silly accents by now, not coming anywhere close to the Cordonian accent…or any accent in the world, really, but forcing so much laughter from one another that they cried.

“Okay tweedles C and J,” Dan clapped them both on the back. “Outta my bar, you drunkards. Go sleep off the wedding, I’ll see you back for your shifts in a few hours.” Now it was his turn to laugh almost to the point of tears, as they both groaned thinking about bartending while hungover at 3 in the afternoon.

“Worth it,” Jo said to Claire, high fiving her sloppily.

“Totally.” Claire answered.

tagging people who i think might find this funny even though its really the most gratuitous thing i’ve ever posted: @ooo-barff-ooo @sleepwalkingelite @brightpinkpeppercorn @zaffrenotes @endlessly-searching-for-you @mind-reader1 @andy-loves-corgis @agent-bossypants

[chakazard]

Where was an intermission and I want my money back

Amanda Palmer is one of those artists, like Henry Rollins and Roger Waters, that I feel oddly protective of. Like every time any one of them are criticized I feel like I have to like them more to make up for it. I mean these are people who are at times, in ways, a lot closer to who I'd like to be than I am. So if people don't like the real thing (and I am aware there are plenty who don't), how could anyone like the cheapest possible imitation of someone else's low-res copy?

I was already going to her performance at the Beacon Theatre tonight when I got word she was doing some kind of meet up beforehand and I thought I would try to make it. So I get changed and head out and pop the album on and wouldn't you know, I get on the Wantagh Parkway as she sang "everyone you love is gonna die" (as I've said before, every song on her new record is a Tear Jerker and that is exactly why I love it) and as that line hit, directly to my left was the corpse of a cat. Of course. Of corpse. Life is both too obvious and in too bad taste to make it successful as fiction. When I got to the train station I realized that, in my rush to get out, I had neglected to bring my wallet. Oops. Thankfully you can buy LIRR tickets online these days and I had my phone. And then I missed the meetup. But at least the baby didn't die? And I ran into someone I know (hi Nico!) on the line into the venue so that eased my mind a bunch. Really enjoyed that the pre show music included Oh Bondage! Up Yours by the X-Ray Spex and by the time Neil Gaiman gave the spoken introduction I was thoroughly Ready To Rock And Also Cry A Lot.

Amanda wasted no time in justifying my affinity for her, talking about how her stepfather would accuse her of banging on the piano and not making real music, and the therapeutic powers of playing loudly and angrily. (I was classically trained but I am very out of practice and low on discipline and attention spans so I mostly just bang loudly and angrily when I do get to play. Maybe explaining why the cat hates it and knocks down all the markers and knick knacks he can find before I can even get to the chorus). Her show was more of a one-woman play interspersed with songs than a rock show and it was, like the album, Extremely My Shit. Theatrical, scripted but in a way to make it sound natural, extremely personal, diving deep into extremely dark emotions and finding the light in them. I thought it was absolutely brilliant and I'm so glad I made it.

From where I was sitting, the audience seemed completely focused on the performance. I closed my eyes during a few songs to focus better on the lyrics. Machete was the highlight for me, even (or especially) when she mixed up the words, and the sound near the end of it that I thought was someone eating popcorn turned out to be a professional camera. Also, Disney songs repurposed to represent abortion and miscarriage for fun and profit?

Between her speeches and songs I kept being brought back to things that have been kicking around my head but haven't had the right moment or the guts to articulate. Excuse me if this is less of a review of her performance (I laughed, I cried, I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in about a decade and braved an Extreme Obstacle Course so I could catch up with her while she smoked during the untitular intermission (Hi Michelle!)) and more of a check in to put that stuff down here and now.

On anger. I was an extremely angry person for many years. I don't know if you become obsessed with Henry Rollins and Roger Waters if you're not. But I get told a lot by people I don't know well that I don't seem like I ever get angry. I guess from the outside being frozen by fear looks a lot like calm peacefulness. Then I'll hear it from family members and I feel like I'm not actually being seen, and maybe that's my fault. How can I deal with expectations I know I will never live up to? I thought a lot about different human connections and missed chances. How I have family members I never got a chance to get close with and if I'd be able to if I tried, and how life will develop now that my family has a new generation. When she talked about grief I thought about my friend who died (I am lucky to only have one) and how I feel like I never really processed it and feel guilty that we lost touch before she checked out. How my best friend has been sick for years and spent months out of the country with little contact and i would get scared if I didn't see her active on spacebook for a few days. How I have friends in the city I would like to have excuses to get in touch with more regularly but probably won't and hope they forgive me, friends who live elsewhere that I hope aren't insulted if i don't visit, friends on the internet I'm still scared would lose interest in me if we ever met in real life and wondering if the fear has subconsciously kept me from trying. When she talked, a few times, about radical compassion and justice and privelage, it made me frustrated that the hardest thing for me to talk about is my political philosophy, which is deeply rooted in the idea that every person deserves respect and compassion (and basic necessities of living) and how silly it seems that I'm afraid to come out and say that, much less act on it, because it might make someone mad at me, or worse, laugh. How there are so many truths that we don't get taught or lied to about or feel like we are forbidden to talk about and I need to start making a real list so I can at least try to pass them on. How impossible it is to write when you are dealing with depression because "you just want to feel pain" which explains why I didn't write for so many years.

A few days ago I said "I can be so very bright if I'm permitted to be made of darkness" and she kept repeating that her job as an artist is to bring people as far into the darkness as they will allow before catapulting them back into the light.

Again, this show probably wasn't for everyone but it was very much for me. So I left with the desire to make more art, even if I'm not sure what form it should take and still have very little self confidence. And support more artists, and try to speak up when I appreciate things more and not assume my opinion won't be well received. I left with a lot I'd like to say. I am honest about how bad I am at taking compliments but I'm afraid I'm even worse at giving them so I don't think I've ever adequately explained how important people are to me. I want to tell people I'd like to see them more often but time and geography and mental stuff get in the way and hope that it's understood. I want to reexamine how many of the bad things I think about myself are just excuses because I'm scared of failure or rejection but trying is the point of life so don't stop trying. So I'm going to keep talking and writing weird stuff and looking for the cracks and inversions where I can find beauty or recognition. My instinct is to say I'm going to be more insufferable, but this is an assumption and not an experience. I find that I get better responses when I do talk honestly about anything and nobody has actually told me that it's insufferable. I get really happy when I see someone else shed their preconcieved imitation skin and inhabit whatever shape resonates with them at the moment. And when people are happy and in their element and it shows, even if that element is not mine. So maybe I don't need to feel like I can't try to do the same for myself. And I feel like I talk about myself too much, especially in a post like this that's supposed to be about someone else's art, but there is literally no other Chaka in the world and if I want to see these ideas expressed then nobody else is going to do it and what have I always felt like I was breaking a ton of rules for trying to do that?

I took a Lyft back to Penn Station because you can use PayPal for those and am now looking forward to next week's entry in my bluntly honest confessional would-make-some-uncomfortable Rock n Roll tour with Fat Mike as Cokie the Clown, which I need to keep typing so my phone stops trying to autocorrect to Cookie.

In conclusion, thank you Amanda Palmer for your amazing performance and not only because it made me do my favorite thing and get introspective and over emotional.

[davidsphysicsblog]

Why does it seem that my cellphone is spying on me?

In his seminal book, “The Singularity is Near – When Humans Transcend Biology,” Ray Kurzweil laments the fate of Artificial Intelligence (AI): “An underlying problem with artificial intelligence that I have personally experienced in my forty years of in the area is that as soon as an AI technique works, it is no longer considered AI and is spun off in its own field …” Kurzweil then goes on to give the example of speech recognition – although if you both listen and watch the closed captions to the nightly news, you might wonder how intelligent this recognition is. Still that point has stuck with me since I first read The Singularity is Near, when it first came out in 2005.

Well, friends there is no longer any denying the existence of AI in our lives. We have moved beyond what has been referred to as the “Dark Age of AI.”We’ve got everything from intelligent toaster ovens to self-driving automobiles. Recently, I saw, with a shutter, a news clip about self-driving eighteen wheelers. Yikes, I thought. But then I considered how many people have been wiped out by drowsy truck drivers. Which is better, which is worse?

Now, I am a great proponent of futurism. More importantly, I recognize that there is no denying technology, any more than there is denying climate change. There are good reasons to fear it, especially if your job is in jeopardy. Ultimately all our jobs are in jeopardy. But there is no stopping it. Technology always outruns its own ethical basis.  It has no morality. It just is. And the Luddites, who in the early nineteenth century rose up and destroyed textile machinery because they feared it would take away their means of employment are now reduced merely to a fancy word and a footnote. As I type this AI programs “spellcheck” me and “autocorrect” my grammar. Both of those words exist in the language only because of the AI revolution.  So, they are taking over our language as well.

There is also the nostalgia factor. My IPad and my Kindle do not feel or smell like a book. I so love these tactile and olfactory experiences. But the fact is that my whole library, which is voluminous, could easily fit in digital form on my computer devices, and I read at least three times faster electronically than on paper. Although one might ask, what the rush is? Ultimately, where this nostalgia is concerned we become like Edward Arlington Robinson’s “Minever Cheevy.”

“Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn,

Grew lean while he assailed the seasons;

He wept that he was ever born,

And he had reasons.

 Miniver loved the days of old

When swords were bright and steeds were prancing;

The vision of a warrior bold

Would set him dancing.

 Miniver sighed for what was not,

And dreamed, and rested from his labors;

He dreamed of Thebes and Camelot,

And Priam’s neighbors.

 Miniver mourned the ripe renown

That made so many a name so fragrant;

He mourned Romance, now on the town,

And Art, a vagrant.

 Miniver loved the Medici,

Albeit he had never seen one;

He would have sinned incessantly

Could he have been one.

 Miniver cursed the commonplace

And eyed a khaki suit with loathing;

He missed the mediæval grace

Of iron clothing.

 Miniver scorned the gold he sought,

But sore annoyed was he without it;

Miniver thought, and thought, and thought,

And thought about it.

 Miniver Cheevy, born too late,

Scratched his head and kept on thinking;

Miniver coughed, and called it fate,

And kept on drinking.”

 Isn’t it wonderful how all I needed to do was to type “Minever Cheevy” into my search engine, a form of AI and the whole text, which I first read on paper in high school pops up? This is but the first stage in the development of Kurzweil’s bionic man-machine.

And as I was typing the last, my cellphone dinged with the message from Bloomberg News that:

“Medical apps have made it easier than ever for doctors to treat people without ever seeing them in person.”

Is this getting just a bit spooky?

Which brings me to what I really wanted to discuss. I recently read Michael Chertoff’s “Exploding Data: Reclaiming Our Cyber Security in the Digital Age.” This book describes the megadata on each of us, which seems merely a collection of useless facts. Where we were every minute of the day, what we bought, what we ate, what we spent, and on and on. It is not the individual facts that are significant, but the Gestalt, that ultimately presents the threat, not just to individual privacy an liberty, but to national and world security.

Allow me to quote the ninth amendment to the United States Constitution. Yes, Republican friends there is more than the second amendment, which protects the right of madmen to buy assault rifles. But the little ninth amendment says merely:

“The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”

This is your right to privacy, people! The government does not belong in your workplace, in your home, or in your bedroom, for instance. And when we allow ourselves to be monitored 24-7, we give up that right, in part or in total.

And on the security side. Connect your home to the internet with devices such as smart electric meters for instance, where “the bad guys” have implanted administrative codes in the chips they made for us and we bought because they are cheap, and they can shut down our power grids.

In 2004, yes fifteen years ago, the Israeli military assassinated Sheik Ahmed Yassin, the spiritual leader and founder of the militant Palestinian group Hamas, by landing a smart missile in the lap of the wheelchair-bound Sheik Yassin. I am not suggesting that you have anything to fear from the fact that your own iPhone is tracking your whereabouts in real-time.

What has freaked me out was an IM session that I was having with a friend on my IPhone to set up a time to meet for coffee. When we had settled as to time and place, I went to add it to my calendar, hit the add button, and there it was Name of Person, Name of place, and time all neatly pre-entered for me. Starting with OS 10.0, we are now up to OS 12.2, the operating system has AI algorithms that search your texts and emails in this way. For convenience, right? I’m sorry it seems not so much as helpful as creepy and an invasion of privacy.

I am reminded of a second poem. This by W. H. Auden and called “To the Unknown Citizen.” Perhaps we might modernize the title to “To the Unknown Citizen and his Megadata.”

(To JS/07 M 378 This Marble Monument Is Erected by the State)

He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be

One against whom there was no official complaint,

And all the reports on his conduct agree

That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a

saint,

For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.

Except for the War till the day he retired

He worked in a factory and never got fired,

But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.

Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views,

For his Union reports that he paid his dues,

(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)

And our Social Psychology workers found

That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.

The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day

And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.

Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,

And his Health-card shows he was A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.

Our researchers into Public Opinion are content

That he held the proper opinions for the time of year;

When there was peace, he was for peace:  when there was war, he went.

He was married and once in hospital but left it cured.

Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare

He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Instalment Plan

And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,

added five children to the population,

Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his

generation.

And our teachers report that he never interfered with their

education.

Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd: e heard.

I feel a need to return photographically to a simpler time, to turn back the clock to the Willoughby of Twilight Zone fame, to a more mechanical time. The time of carburetors, now replaced by AI chips called injection systems.

(c) DE Wolf 2019.

[plsdonttellmay]

|3!7(|-|

A look into the Iron Kids group chat between Harley, Peter, and Riri. 

Sequel to Bold of You

Translation for Harley’s nonsense at the bottom

Spider-Son: @Son Prime Mr. Stark totally just admitted that Riri was his favorite.

Son Prime: wut???? thts blsht >:((((

Spider-Son changed their name to Pun-Son

Pun-Son: IKR?

Dad’s Favorite: HA! I fucking told you

Son Prime: fuk off riri

Pun-Son: Ya, this is a private conversation.

Dad's Favorite: Y’all are the dumbasses having a “private conversation” in the group chat

Pun-Son: Shit

Really?

I thought @ing him would make it private.

Oops

Son Prime: pete i lov n rspct u but ur a fukn dumbass

Dad's Favorite: This is why dad loves me most

Pun-Son: ;’((((

Whatever.

Anyway

So,,,,

The rest of the team knows you guys exist now.

Son Prime: shiiiiiiiiiiiit

Dad's Favorite: What happened?

Is everyone okay?

Are you okay?

Is Tony okay?

Pun-Son: Ya, everyone's fine, dw.

Son Prime: thn wut hpnd????

Pun-Son: IDK???

Like

Mr. Stark just said I did a good job

And then fucking Captain America was like

“Hey, everybody it's Peter Parker!”

Dad's Favorite: Damn. So now they all know?

Son Prime: thats ruf buddy

Pun-Son: Nah, it's fine.

I panicked and then said that Mr. Stark had lots of kids

And that Peter and Spider-Man were totally different kids.

Son Prime: wow. cnt blev u managed 2 lie 2 captain america

i figd he cld smell lies

or that u would spontaneously combust if u tried

tht was specific 2 u btw

Dad's Favorite: Has anyone ever told you you're a dick?

Son Prime: not 2 my face but thts what i assume theyre saying wen they dub chek tht mr tony isnt my real dad.

Dad's Favorite: Not a bad assumption ngl

Pun-Son: Also, point of order, didn't lie

I just,,,,,,,

Implied.

Heavily.

To the point of lying.

But didn't cross that line.

Son Prime: wow pete ur a saint

Dad's Favorite: They bought it? Just like that?

Pun-Son: TBH they were way more interested in the group chat.

Like, they legit forgot they were trying to figure out who Spider-Man is.  

I told Cap your usernames.

Dad's Favorite: Well I'm glad the team knows the truth now

Son Prime: wut? abt mr tony runin a daycare?

Dad's Favorite: No about me being his favorite

Dad's Favorite: Hey guys??? College fucking blows. I'm gonna murder whoever came up with it

Son Prime: sup riri?

Dad's Favorite: Literally just told you. College blows

The Live-in: *break dances gently*

What's wrong, Riri?

Son Prime: atm u if i had 2 ges

Dad's Favorite: Mostly that you're trying to comfort me via meme.

SHIT

Beat me to it

Son Prime: :p

The Live-in: You guys are the worst.

Dad's Favorite: You're the one who decided to be the middle child

The Live-in: WTF, no, I didn't??

Also, Harley is literally less than 4 months older than me.

Son Prime: god pete ur practically an infant cmpared to me

The Live-in: -_______-

Can we go back to talking about Riri’s problems now?

Please?

For the love of science.

Dad's Favorite: Nah I'm good actually. Roasting you is way more interesting

The Live-in: THE W O R S T

Son Prime: srsly tho. u ok riri?

Dad's Favorite: Yeah I'm fine. Just got assigned a group project

The Live-in: Was it at least a class you have a friend in?

Dad's Favorite: Peter literally everyone in that class is 7+ years older than me. If I had friends do you think I'd talk to you two?

The Live-in: Yes

Because you love us.

You've said so.

Son Prime: hes got a point

Dad's Favorite: Lies and slander

The Live-in: Seriously, though.

Are you good?

Dad's Favorite: Yeah. It's not like they're actively mean to me or anything. It just sucks not having friends

Son Prime: tell us if they start bn dicks. pete n i will kick thr asses. we r still ur big bros

Dad's Favorite: Yeah I know <3

God I can’t wait until you two are finally here and I actually have someone to talk to for once.

The Live-in: Yeah!!!!

We should get an apartment.

And a dog.

A secret dog.

Dad’s Favorite: Why is the dog secret???

The Live-in: Because I can’t have a dog at my apartment.

And your mom is allergic to dogs.

And Harley’s little sister is scared of dogs.

So it would have to live with dad over the summer.

And he won’t let us get a dog if he knows ahead of time.

That’s why a secret dog.

Dad’s Favorite: Hell yes secret dog.

The Live-in: I vote pitbull.

Son Prime: sum1 convinse me not 2 murder ths lady

Peter PARKOUR: ?????????

???????

?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?

Harley, WTF you can't just say that and then not elaborate.

Dad's Favorite: Siding with Peter here. Who are you trying to murder Keener?

Peter PARKOUR: Dude.

Seriously??

Are you literally ignoring us right now?

HARLEY, YOU HAVE YOUR READ RECEIPTS ON!

Son Prime: Read: 3:23

Dad's Favorite: Harley I swear to god you're going in the nearest lake first time we meet

Peter PARKOUR: Wait.

Hold on a damn minute.

Are you telling me?

The two of you haven't actually met??

Like IRL???

Dad's Favorite: Yeah. I mean we Skype and text plenty but we've never been in the same room

Peter PARKOUR: That's wild??

I mean

I know the three of us haven't been together

But I figured you had met without me.

Son Prime: wait. wen did u 2 meet?

Dad's Favorite: Figures that's what gets his attention instead of murder

Peter PARKOUR: When I went to tour MIT?

Have you and Mr. Stark not gone yet?

Son Prime: nope

Peter PARKOUR: Why not??

Son Prime: i dunno. keep puttin it off

Dad's Favorite: I smell a lie. I don't know what it is but you better watch your back Harley. I will find out

Son Prime: ok baskin robin

Peter PARKOUR: Can we get back to the murder?

I feel like we glossed over that.

Son Prime: no

Dad's Favorite: No point. Either they decided to leave Harley alone

Peter PARKOUR: Or??

Dad's Favorite: Or they're dead

Son Prime: & ull nvr kno

Peter PARKOUR: You two need to chill.

And meet.

Seriously, we've been talking for a year

And you two haven't even laid eyes on each other.

H O W?

Dad's Favorite: Let's start with the fact that we live like 20 hours away from each other?

Peter PARKOUR: I'm not even going to grace that with an answer.

Actually

I am

Mr. Stark has like a fleet of planes??

You could literally make a day trip out of it.

Son Prime: hes actually got a point…

Peter PARKOUR: I almost always have a point.

You two just ignore me.

Because you're assholes.

Dad's Favorite: That's fair

Dad's Favorite: @Son Prime 

I saw this and thought of you

Peter In The Middle: WHAT

THE

FUCK

IS THAT THING EVEN REAL??

Dad's Favorite: Lol yeah. Saw it at the thrift store

Son Prime: What I want to know is why the FUCK it reminded you of me.

Peter In The Middle: Oh damn.

He broke out the capitals and full words.

He's serious.

Son Prime: Actually it's just a new phone Mr. Tony sent me. Can't figure out how to turn off the damn autocorrect

Dad's Favorite: Why is it that you 2 are geniuses but can't figure out how phones work half the time?

Son Prime: Excuse you this is 1 of those prototype StarkPhones that literally nobody knows how to use yet.

Peter in the Middle: Are you really never gonna let the group chat thing die?

Dad's Favorite: No

Son Prime: Absolutely not.

Peter in the Middle: It was one (1) time you assholes.

Son Prime: I feel like we’re forgetting about the horror show that somehow reminded Riri of me.

Peter in the Middle: I was.

Trying to, at least.

Thanks for the reminder.

Dad’s Favorite: I’m not forgetting. Ever

Son Prime: Explain???

Dad’s Favorite: Should I tho?

Peter in the Middle: Depends.

Do you want me to show Mr. Stark The Video?

Dad’s Favorite: You wouldn’t

Peter in the Middle: Try me, bitch.

Son Prime: Video????

Dad’s Favorite: Don’t worry about it

Peter in the Middle: I’ll send it to you later.

Dad’s Favorite: I hate you

Peter in the Middle: :D

Cow mug.

Now.

Dad’s Favorite: It says Tennessee on it.

Peter in the Middle: Wait.

That’s it?

No inside joke????

Dad’s Favorite: Nope

Peter in the Middle: What the fuck?

Now I feel dumb.

Dad’s Favorite: :))))))

Son Prime: |-|4 ! |=!6(_)|23|) !7 0(_)7

Dad's Favorite: What the fuck does that even say??

Peter in the Middle: Is that???

Even approaching English??

Son Prime: |\|0 !7$ |_337

Dad's Favorite: Stop

Son Prime: |\/|4|{3 |\/|3

Dad's Favorite has kicked Son Prime out of the Iron Kids group

Peter in the Middle: Harley is texting me

Saying to tell you to unblock him.

He has something important to say.

Dad's Favorite has added Son Prime to the Iron Kids group

Son Prime:

|3!7(|-|

Dad's Favorite has kicked Son Prime out of the Iron Kids group

Peter in the Middle: Fair and valid.

Dad's Favorite has kicked Peter in the Middle out of the Iron Kids group

Dad's Favorite: Finally I am free

Son Prime: guess who got his xseptns letter!!!!!!!!

Dad’s Favorite: Holy shit!!!! Harley that’s fucking amazing!!!!!!

Potor Purkur: Yessssssss!!!!

Dude, that’s amazing!!!!!!!!!!

Also????

How did you get yours early???

MIT letters aren’t supposed to go out for another week??

Did Mr. Stark pull strings?

BUT ALSO CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Son Prime: na tony dnt do nythng

Potor Purkur: ???????????

Son Prime: xseptns snt 4 mit

Dad’s Favorite: Was it a backup or something?

Son Prime: or smthn

Dad’s Favorite: I swear this is worse than pulling teeth. Spill.

Son Prime: i nvr actuly applied 4 mit

Dad’s Favorite: So that’s the real reason you never came to visit. You weren’t just putting it off.

Potor Purkur: Did you ever even plan on going to MIT?

Son Prime: hell no. ive had ths place n mind since middle school

Potor Purkur: Well?

What is it?

Come on, dude.

Son Prime: u hv 2 prms not 2 tell mr tony

Dad’s Favorite: Sure.

Son Prime: com on @Potor Purkur u gotta prms

Potor Purkur: I promise.

Well, I promise to try.

I’m kind bad at secrets, actually.

But so long as he doesn’t ask

I’m fine.

I promise.

Son Prime: how do u evn hv a scret id @ ths point

Potor Purkur: Honestly??

No idea.

All of Queens should know by now TBH

But

That has literally nothing to do with your college.

Dad’s Favorite: Yeah cmon Harls. Spill.

Son Prime: I’m totally serious right now. Don’t tell Mr. Tony. I want  to tell him myself.

Potor Purkur: Promise.

Dad’s Favorite: On my life.

Son Prime: ok hr it goz.

im goin to caltech

guys?

its bn lik 5 min. wts up

Potor Purkur: Holy sHIT

Are you serious??

Dad’s Favorite: You men caltech as in the school in Pasadena California? MIT’s biggest rival since ever? The school Tony loudly talks about how much he hates? THAT caltech?

Son Prime: …

…

…

yes

Potor Purkur: Holy shit.

*_*_*_*_*

Spider-Son: Hey, guys?

I think dad might have accidentally,,,,,,,,

Built a murder bot.

Again.

Dad's Favorite: W H A T

Son Prime: u ok? r u fiting it???

Spider-Son: No.

No, you see,,,,

The murder bot,,,,,,,

Is actually,,,,,,,,,,,

Karen.

Dad's Favorite: …

Son Prime: ..............

Dad's Favorite: Explain

Spider-Son: Well.

You know how my suit has an Instant Kill Mode?

And Karen keeps trying to make me use it?

Dad's Favorite: Yeah??

Son Prime: i dnt thnk tht counts as “accidentally"

jst irresponsible

Spider-Son: That's what I thought too.

But we're in the jet.

Headed for the mission.

And I joke that I should use IKM.

And Mr. Stark freaks out.

Dad's Favorite: Why???

Spider-Son: Here's the thing.

Mr. Stark.

Didn't make an Instant Kill Mode.

Karen did that.

By herself.

Dad's Favorite: Holy shit

Son Prime: dude wut the FUCK

Spider-Son: I K N O W

Son Prime: uve befriended her at least. hopfully she remains loyal during the robo revolution.

Spider-Son: Karen says hi BTW.

Dad's Favorite: Fantastic. Maybe she'll spare us as well

Spider-Son: Karen says, and I quote, “I don't know about that.”

Son Prime: /sweats/

Dad's Favorite: I'm not even sure how I feel about this tbh

On the one hand: possibly evil robot

On the other: if she's joking this is some seriously cool coding

Son Prime: i have xactly 0 mixed feelings. murder bot bad

Spider-Son: Mr. Stark offered to change her code when we got back.

Son Prime: thk god

Spider-Son: I said no.

Son Prime: W H Y

Spider-Son: Because I love Karen just the way she is.

And she loves me.

Dad's Favorite: Okay, I've decided. That is a seriously cool ai

Son Prime: a srsly cool ai thts gonna kill us all

Spider-Son: Karen promises to spare you.

If you buy me a milkshake.

Son Prime: i cnt bleve my terminator trauma is being taken advantage of by a murder bot.

Spider-Son: :P

Dad's Favorite: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Spider-Son: Oh my God

You actually sent me money for a milkshake.

Nice.

I'm getting strawberry.

Son Prime: fuk u

Son Prime: @Dad's Favorite wut r u doin n june

Dad's Favorite: Probably nothing? Idk I might take an online class. Mostly just hanging out at home

Son Prime: so u dnt hav ny plans 4 vacay or nythng

Dad's Favorite: Not that I know of??

Son Prime: wuts the prob tht u could get ur mom to let you go smwher 4 the month

Dad's Favorite: Depends??

What's with all the leading questions?

Son Prime: bcuz i just told my mom tht mr tony nvitd the 3 of us 2 stay at the compound in june

Dad's Favorite: He did?? Why didn't he say anything??

Son Prime: bcuz he dnt ask. im the 1 plan plannin it

Dad's Favorite: Harley what the actual fuck. Have you even asked Tony?

Son Prime: no thts peters job

Dad's Favorite: Wait Peter's in on it too? How long have you two been planning this?

Son Prime: bout 20 mins. & pete dsnt no yet

Dad's Favorite: Again wtf. Why don't you do it?

Son Prime: hv u SEEN peters puppy dog eyes

speakin of

@The Live-in nswer ur phone

@The Live-in

@The Live-in

@The Live-in

Dad's Favorite: @The Live-in

@The Live-in

@The Live-in

Son Prime: @The Live-in

@The Live-in

@The Live-in

@The Live-in

The Live-in: Jesus Christ.

You two are awful.

I was in chemistry.

Don't you two ever go to class?

Son Prime: y bother

Dad's Favorite: I do but I know how to text in class

The Live-in: Like I said.

Awful.

Son Prime: wtevr. cn u do it or no?

The Live-in: What exactly am I even doing?

Dad's Favorite: Pretty sure you're convincing dad to let the 3 of us stay at the compound over June.

The Live-in: Oh.

Yeah.

That shouldn't be hard.

Like at all.

He's about to pick me up from school.

I'll ask in just a sec.

Son Prime: c? told u it wld b ez

The Live-in: HE SAID YES

Well, he said yes so long as we can get our moms/aunt to agree.

BUT STILL

Dad's Favorite: Holy shit!!

The Live-in: I KNOW!!

Son Prime: wer gonna get n2 so much bullshit.

The Live-in: B]

Dad's Favorite: B]

Son Prime: B]

Spider-Son: Guys, I may not come back from this mission alive.

Tell Ned I’ve always had a crush on him

Wait.

Shit.

That was just supposed to sound dumb and dramatic.

Not like something to actually worry about.

I’ll be fine.

Mr. Stark won’t let me go on the super dangerous missions.

Son Prime: i swr 2 fuk im gonna kill u parker

Dad’s Favorite: Yeah maybe that wasn’t exactly the best way to start that off.

Also if Ned doesn’t already know you’re madly in love with him then there’s no hope for either of you.

Spider-Son: #rude

One day I’ll get Ned to fall in love with me.

Then you’ll be sorry.

Dad’s Favorite: Oh honey

Son Prime: stop w/ petes crush. i wnna no y he thnks hes gonna die

Spider-Son: H I M

Dad’s Favorite: Christ what’s Rogers done now?

Spider-Son: He’s just doing That Thing again.

The one where he calls me kid and son.

I h a t e it, and IDK how to make him stop

Dad's Favorite: /Hamilton voice/ I'm not your son

Son Prime: congrats on not str8 up murdering him yet

Spider-Son: God he’s just so??

I don't know what, but I hate it.

I swear to God if he benches me again this mission I'm going to strangle him with his star-spangled tights.

Dad's Favorite: You gonna beat him upside the head until he sees…

Stars?

Spider-Son: I HATE YOU!!

I WAS TRYING TO BE MAD

AND NOW I'M GIGGLING!

NOBODY TAKES ME SERIOUS WHEN I GIGGLE!!

Son Prime: nbdy takes u srsly evr

Spider-Son: Fuck off, Keener.

Son Prime: ;P

Dad's Favorite: Hey Peter quick question tho?

Spider-Son: Quick answer.

Dad's Favorite: If you hate Rogers why don't you just not talk to him? Why do you act all polite to his face? Just tell him to fuck off and leave you alone?

Spider-Son: I wish it was that easy.

I mean

It could be

But it isn't.

I have to be polite because we're on the same team.

We're supposed to work together.

I started off kinda rude to him, but Mr. Stark fussed at me.

Apparently what we're doing is bigger than petty squabbles.

Son Prime: uhhh ths is def mr thn a petty squabble tho? mr t wtf

Dad's Favorite: What are you even saying to me right now?? Is dad not mad?

Spider-Son: NoPE.

He just goes along with whatever He says.

Right now Mr. Stark is flying the jet.

Even though it has autopilot.

So I'm left alone back here with Him.

The only other person we brought was Ant-Man and he's asleep so it's just the two of us making conversation.

I hate it.

I'm dying.

Also

I think he doesn't like me looking at my phone so much.

DEAL WITH IT OLD MAN

Son Prime: u rly do snd lik ur bout 2 die. rip n pieces pete

Dad's Favorite: I'm SO glad Tony hasn't cleared me for missions yet.

Spider-Son: I wish you were.

I need someone to hang out with on these.

Speaking of which.

I'm gonna go ask dad if he'll try to teach me to fly again.

Last time…

Did Not Go Well

Also kinda wanna make Him sick again.

It was funny last time.

If he says no the at least I'll have some time alone.

Anyway I'm out.

Talk to you after we kicked ass!

Dad's Favorite: Take a better selfie this time. Lighting was garbage in the last one.

Son Prime: brng me a robos arm

If you didn't need Harley's nonsense translated, I'm impressed. If you did, here you go. He's speaking leet for anyone interested.

|-|4 ! |=!6(_)|23|) !7 0(_)7 ~ Ha I figured it out

|\|0 !7$ |_337 ~ No it's leet

|\/|4|{3 |\/|3 ~ Make me

|3!7(|-| ~ Bitch

[ashtenstitches]

Answer them all

omg i mean i asked for this

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

--Honestly my cat. Otherwise I can’t think of anyone else.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

--Shy but outgoing when I get to know someone

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

--This awesome guy who is incredible. His name is Alfredo. Fettuccine Alfredo. 

4. Are you easy to get along with?

--I’d like to think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

--Well I sure hope so!! I already took care of her ;)

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

--The kind that are you

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

--I sure hope so!!!!!!

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

--My beautiful cat who is perfect in every way shape and form

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

--Only if it’s with family lmao

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

--My cutie girlfriend

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

--”Then I got sent to voicemailllllllll”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

--Out Loud by Gabbie Hanna, Best Part by Daniel Caesar feat H.E.R., The Wolves (Act I and II) by Bon Iver, Cherry Wine by Hozier, When by Dodie Clark

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

--YES

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

--I mean kind of lol I’m pretty unlucky so luck has to be real

15. What good thing happened this summer?

--I got my first client!! And it didn’t come out terrible!!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

--Absolutely

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

--Oh yeah! We can’t be the only things in this GIANT UNIVERSE

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

--Nope 

19. Do you like bubble baths?

--I love them

20. Do you like your neighbors?

--I don’t really know them but the ones across the street gave us a watermelon when we first moved in

21. What are your bad habits?

--I don’t sleep at a great time, I don’t floss as often as I should, and I bite my nails

22. Where would you like to travel?

--I really wanna go to Australia! But I also wanna go to the other Hawaiian islands.

23. Do you have trust issues?

--Not as much as before

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

--Eating then sleeping

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

--My feet

26. What do you do when you wake up?

--I pee

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

--My skin is a nice shade of pale white and I’m cool with it

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

--My girlfriend and my family and a few friends

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

--Only one but I was like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

30. Do you ever want to get married?

--Yes pls

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

--Yessss

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

--Orlando Bloom and Kristen Stewart

33. Spell your name with your chin.

--aqshtednb

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

--Have you seen me....no

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

--TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

--Yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

--I just make weird faces

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

-- @playswithsquirrlz

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

--Forever 21 I don’t care how cheap some stuff looks ok I love it also Victoria’s Secret. Also like...amazon

40. What do you want to do after high school?

--It’s been 4 years....and I’m finally doing what I wanted so

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

--No

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

--I’m tired/hungry/not comfortable

43. Do you smile at strangers?

--Sure

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

--Outer space. Who knows what scary ass creatures are at the bottom of the ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

--The need to pee

46. What are you paranoid about?

--People breaking into my house, sharp pains in my body meaning that I’m dying, just the usual.

47. Have you ever been high?

--Yeeeeee

48. Have you ever been drunk?

--Nahhhhhh I don’t like alcohol really

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

--No I don’t think so lol

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

--Probably gray since that’s all I own lol

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

--Yes

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

--My lack of motivation. If I had more motivation I would be so fit rn lol

53. Favourite makeup brand?

--Wet n Wild has been awesome lately

54. Favourite store?

--Michaels lmao

55. Favourite blog?

--My own

56. Favourite colour?

--Purple

57. Favourite food? 

--Either the vegan nacho cheese I make or the vegan mushroom sandwich 

58. Last thing you ate?

--Nachos

59. First thing you ate this morning?

--Nachos......

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

--No I didn’t but I was the only one in my class to get a 100% on my final to phase out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

--Nah I was a good student

62. Been arrested? For what?

--Nope

63. Ever been in love? 

--Yeah I guess you could say that :P

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

--I was in 8th grade and had been dating this guy off an on for 3 years and it was the last day of school. We met at the basketball courts and everyone watched us kiss and I was like wtf so we kissed again lmao

65. Are you hungry right now?

--Not really

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

--I love all my friends!

67. Facebook or Twitter?

--Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

--Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

--Nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

--Angelica, Tiffany, Brittni, Robbi

71. Craving something? What?

--Mushrooms

72. What colour are your towels?

--Beige and towel

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

--One technically but I also have my body pillow

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

--Nope

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

--A couple

75. Favourite animal?

--Cat. Any kind. Big or small. Or sharks

76. What colour is your underwear?

--Blue

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

--Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

--The PB & Cookies from Ben & Jerrys

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

--Gray

80. What colour pants?

--Navy blue

81. Favourite tv show?

--AHS or Skins UK

82. Favourite movie?

--Now Is Good 

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

--Mean Girls of course

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

--Mean Girls lmao

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

--Karen

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

--Crush

87. First person you talked to today?

--Angelica

88. Last person you talked to today?

--Well my day is still going

89. Name a person you hate?

--Donald Trump

90. Name a person you love?

-- @playswithsquirrlz

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

--Any nazi

92. In a fight with someone?

--Myself

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

--Probs like 2

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

--So many

95. Last movie you watched?

--Remember Me

96. Favourite actress?

--Kristen Stewart

97. Favourite actor?

--Orlando Bloom

98. Do you tan a lot?

--I wish

99. Have any pets?

--Where do I start

100. How are you feeling?

--Pretty good

101. Do you type fast?

--I type 68 words per minute

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

--Of course

103. Can you spell well?

--Autocorrect would tell me otherwise

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

--Just old friends

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

--Yes

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

--Oh yeah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

--Sure have

108. What should you be doing?

-- @playswithsquirrlz

109. Is something irritating you right now?

--Hmm nothing actually wow it’s a miracle!

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

--Yeah

111. Do you have trust issues?

--.........nah

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

--My dad

113. What was your childhood nickname?

--Ash

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

--Yeah

115. Do you play the Wii?

--Not anymore

116. Are you listening to music right now?

--Nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

--I like faux chicken noodle soup

118. Do you like Chinese food?

--Oh yeah

119. Favourite book?

--The Lovely Bones

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

--Not anymore

121. Are you mean?

--Yeah jk no

122. Is cheating ever okay?

--Heck no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

--Nope

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

--Eh 

125. Do you believe in true love?

--Yes

126. Are you currently bored?

--Eh not really

127. What makes you happy?

--My cat. Food. My girlfriend. Hawaii

128. Would you change your name?

--Yeah but I won’t lmao

129. What your zodiac sign?

--Aquarius

130. Do you like subway?

--Nah

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

--I remind them that I’m gay af

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

--Angelica

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

--”You’re the coffee that I need in the morning, you’re my sunshine in the rain when it’s pouring....” 

134. Can you count to one million?

--Who has time for that

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

--That I liked boys lmao

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

--Closed

137. How tall are you?

--5′ 4″ or so

138. Curly or Straight hair?

--I have inbetween but I like all hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

--What about all colors

140. Summer or Winter?

--Winter but I like wearing crop tops

141. Night or Day?

--Night

142. Favourite month?

--October

143. Are you a vegetarian?

--Even better....I’m a vegan

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

--Dark is p good

145. Tea or Coffee?

--Love me a cuppa joe

146. Was today a good day?

--It has been so far

147. Mars or Snickers?

--Neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?

--May the flowers remind us/why the rain was so necessary - xan oku

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

--Oh yeah

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

--Dudley gently released himself from his mother’s clutches and walked toward Harry, who had to repress an urge to threaten him with magic.

[mc-slowwalker]

ahahaha it’s all g. and oh yeah paragraph breaks are 100% important I also will not read something without them tumblr was just adding like 5 line breaks between everything lol

yeah!! it’s cool too see how they will heal and get better (at least hopefully lol) with their current circumstances cause like they’ve all hurt other people in some way and of course forgiveness is not required at all and not everyone will be able to work together. there are fics that make the egg kind of like a common enemy for everyone on the server including c!dream which forces them to work together but I haven’t really seen one that does that concept well yet. in terms of redemption I think people tend to take it as including forgiveness which like the people hurt aren’t obligated to forgive everyone. it’s why I tend to dislike fics where c!tommy instantly forgives c!dream cause there’s more complexity to it than that which I think is fun to explore and like I think for any kind of positive change for those two characters will probably happen if they stay away from eachother.

also currently in the lore there’s just more conflict, even with c!puffy trying to help at least c!tommy we’ve got the egg (I’m an eggpire apologist what can I say) plus the las nevadas plot (I’m so excited for this) and the prison arc and it’s effects on c!dream, c!quackity and c!sam (god please cc!dream drop lore I beg TELL ME ABOUT THE COURTYARD) and the syndicate that had been pretty chill but now one of its members is locked in prison so that’s fun too (I hope I’m not forgetting any major plot point lol) This will definitely make the moving forward and healing a bit difficult

mmm yeah true age definitely makes a difference in how much flack people get but also how people handle it I’d say like for some younger people it’s 100% their first fandom and first online space so they’re pretty bad at handling themselves online. also while I dislike the “they’re a child” argument when it comes to the lore it’s interesting how much emphasis the fandom puts on the age of the characters

oohhh yes I find it sooo interesting how we determine the severity of crimes in our minds when it comes to media and real life!!!! I’ve been thinking about it for weeks in terms of fandom and real life cause I think it’s interesting and keep talking to people in my life about it completely randomly lmaooooo. like it’s intriguing (I got bored of the word interesting) how seriousness of crimes is determined in our minds and even in the law like it’s gotta do with its effect on other people I think that this would apply to the law as well. also yeah!! the whole “acceptable” crimes thing is super interesting to me cause when it comes to media murder is reduced in severity a lot and it’s cool to see the effect of that on character analysis cause like in real life murder is and should be deemed as a terrible crime. also when it comes to dsmp lore, especially cause of the minecraft mechanics applying real world rules such as criminal ones doesn’t always work. I would lowkey love to have that conversation about real world stuff adjkhsb

the povs 100% help. looking and c!techno for this I think is really interesting cause he definitely has his flaws too but the vast majority of cc!techno viewers would be considered c!techno apologists that can’t see his flaws. every other character too of course. this also why I think c!dream apologists tend to be better at character/lore analysis cause he doesn’t stream his pov. not always of course and I’ve definitely seen some c!dream apologist takes that I disagree with which just makes it all even more interesting honestly. main takeaway, cc!dream please drop lore it’s been months since that teaser

this is definitely the longest ask I’ve ever sent and I didn’t proof read it at all so sorry for that and any possible mistakes lol

honestly with the egg stuff and being the common enemy doesn’t really do it for me? I always joke that the author is c!dream ajdjkd because I think a common enemy wont fix things for the sever, they need to stop the cycle of revenge/abuse which is going to take a longass time because everyone is hurting so much. They syndacate has gotten closest to stopping that cycle out of everyone in the server which is fucking hilarious. I agree that forgiveness isn’t required but for both c!dream and c!tommy if one of them doesn’t walk away and/or apologize they’ll both keep ruminating on it forever. The fic that started this conversation was great because one of the part where c!tommy comes in and apologizes to c!dream. The closure and freedom it gave c!tommy to just fully walk away content with the last thing he said to c!dream is way way better than a future where c!dream just straight up dies. Here’s the thing, people are a lot more forgiving of the dead so while tommy might get freedom from that, he’d never get closure from it and I think it would continue to haunt him

Very excited for everyone and everything to go worse though keep it up dream smp make me hurt

I also feel like with fandoms there were a lot of unspoken rules that became cringe as the older fandoms grew up if that makes any sense. Like there were/are guidelines on how to be decent in fan spaces but a lot of them were unspoken and if you speak them, the people who would need it think it’s cringe. Sometimes I get secondhand embarrassment when I see those “fandom rules” posts but then I read it and it’s all really good advice?? It’s like hey don’t send death threats don’t harass people and just chillax we’re all here for fun

The “they’re a child” thing is interesting to me because while I also use it to excuse a lot of the dream smp minors, the age range I use “they’re just a kid” for is a lot more lenient than most. I add sap, niki, jack, and quackity to it as well as anyone in the 18 through 20 age range as well. Maybe this is because I’m 19 so I’m like “oh shit im still a kid the fuck”. Another side of this that I think is really funny is that in real life that’s 100% not how it works? Like there are jails for children minors aren’t just allowed to do whatever and let me tell you c!tommy would 1000% be in juvie right now. Minors on the dream smp have way more rights then minors in real life but sadly that also comes with way more responsibility and I think we should make c!tommy pay taxes

Murder in the dsmp vs real life is also really interesting because while they have more lives, we’ve seen with foolish & puffy that even taking away a first life is traumatic and cruel despite the apathy from everybody. And who it’s against is also a hige factor if someone makes w hige company’s life harder I’ll look away in the same way that people look away from c!tommy taking two of c!dream’s canon lives. The first life seems traumatic, and the second life is bad but more so because they now have to be careful. Taking a character’s last life would be one of the worst crimes in the universe I think. Instead of taking one life like how url stuff works, you’re taking 3 lives. A murderer killing one person vs killing multiple can dictate the sentence they get for sure, but also taking lives vs killing someone is also different on the dream smp so I dunno

C!Dream apologists certainly have to reach a lot more but it’s okay because I got long arms ig

Also despite me having time to proofread everything I am confident that I will have as many or more mistakes than you because Im jared 19 and also I somehow broke my autocorrect

[coffeeinmywineglass]

Unusual asks

Unusual Asks: Tagged by @prettylittleworldoflies

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify Bc my school is nice and they give us premium

is your room messy or clean? clean most of the time except when Im in it

what color are your eyes? brown

do you like your name? why? yeah (it's Lili) but I think the way its spelled is boring af

what is your relationship status? Single Pringle

describe your personality in 3 words or less oy vey

what color hair do you have? naturally brown but I’m getting it dyed red as I’m typing this

what kind of car do you drive? color? grey Mazda 7, but usually I ride the heaviest bike ever

where do you shop? Plato’s Closet,  Target, American Eagle

how would you describe your style? I go for bohemian but usually it’s just comfy

favorite social media account Tumblr and Insta

what size bed do you have? Full

any siblings? my twin sister and two exchange students

<

p>if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? Why?Spain or England or Canada (or anywhere where our ruler doesn’t look like a pathetic lorax)

favorite snapchat filter? Any one that makes my skin look clear, honestly

favorite makeup brand(s) neutrogena and Kat Von Dee Idk I have super sensitive skin so not much works for me

how many times a week do you shower? 3-4 (every other day)

favorite tv show? PLL, Orphan Black, Sherlock, so many really

shoe size? I’m tiny like 6

how tall are you? 5’ 4” I think but optimistically 5’ 5”

sandals or sneakers? Sneakers idk if i even own sandals

do you go to the gym? I try to go twice a week but eh (I ride my bike everywhere though so it’s a struggle)

describe your dream date

Depends on who it’s with shrugs (it would be a miracle at this point)

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? like 43$

what color socks are you wearing? Originally white but they are quite dirty tbh

how many pillows do you sleep with? 4 total but 2 usually

do you have a job? what do you do? Yeah I have an internship at an ad agency and a job at a vintage store

how many friends do you have? like 6 bc all my friends at my old school hate me

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

Not trying to save my friendship with my (former) best friend

whats your favorite candle scent? I’m not allowed to have candles but I’d have to say coconut or fresh cotton

3 favorite boy names Riley (boy or girl), Kyle, Landon

3 favorite girl names ivy, Beca, Amara

favorite actress? Anna Kendrick and Troian Bellisario

who is your celebrity crush? see above + Brittany Snow and Taylor Swift

favorite movie? Sister Cities

do you read a lot? hell to the yes

whats your favorite book? Daughter of Deep Silence by Carrie Ryan

money or brains? brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? Lils or Lovely

how many times have you been to the hospital? My mom had cancer so it’s kinda impossible for that but:

for myself: x2 for others: x5

top 5 favorite songs 1. Another Story

Wonderwall

Edge of Seventeen

Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Drops of Jupiter (Original and TS version)

What do I know

Photograph

March Into the Sun

Sedona

A Team

(I need recomendations shoot me an ask, also Taylor wasn't included in here Bc she'd fill up the entire list)

do you take any medications daily? just one for acne /:

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) dry

what is your biggest fear? That I won’t choose the right profession and not be able to support myself

how many kids do you want? 1-2, maybe none

whats your go to hair style? just down, but wavy

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) I’m unbelievably lucky that both my parents are doctors

who is your role model? my art teacher, Jasmine. Or Emily, my academic advisor.

what was the last compliment you received? that my hair looked good I guess

what was the last text you sent? ‘update: she handed me an envelope’ (ominous, right?)

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? Probably 5th grade but I had suspicions up until then

what is your dream car?

To get one tbh (probably a subaru or mini cooper) opinion on smoking?

Ew no get away from me do you go to college?

Thats the plan what is your dream job?

Working at a magazine or largely recognized brand would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

suburbs do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

Free makes it better do you have freckles?

Yes many (like 100+ but none on my face) do you smile for pictures?

Yes but I look like a potato regardless how many pictures do you have on your phone?

Actual pictures: 1,878. Screenshots: 2,298 have you ever peed in the woods?

Dude I live in Idaho we legit have places that are called a biffy which means (no joke) “Bathroom In the Forest For You” do you still watch cartoons?

I never did and I never will do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Um neither I’m all about smashburger Favorite dipping sauce?

BBQ what do you wear to bed?

Shorts and a tshirt have you ever won a spelling bee?

I’m legit so bad at spelling thank god for autocorrect what are your hobbies?

People have time for those??

can you draw?

yea do you play an instrument?

Guitar, ukelele, piano (can I play them well is a whole different question) what was the last concert you saw?

Bastille, and it was my second concert ever.` tea or coffee?

Tea, but my one and only love is Chai tea. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

DD doesn’t exist where I live so Starbucks do you want to get married?

Yeah, eventually what is your crush’s first and last initial?

*CC are you going to change your last name when you get married?

Depends on their name lol what color looks best on you?

I’ve been told maroon or olive green do you miss anyone right now?

Yes, but I don’t think they miss me back do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Closed do you believe in ghosts?

No what is your biggest pet peeve?

People scraping metal on metal/ceramic (mostly silverware on crates), when my friends or mom are rude to customer service people last person you called`

My dad favorite ice cream flavor?

Chocolate, or peppermint or Romeo and Juliet (chocolate and cherries that’s only around during valentines day) regular oreos or golden oreos?

Someone’s going to kill me for this but i don’t really like oreos; I guess I’d have to pick the regular ones tho chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

Chocolate (am I the only person who thinks that they don’t taste like anything??) what shirt are you wearing?

“Design think it” <– look it up, it’s for my school bc I’m a nerd with no clean clothes what is your phone background?

A picture that I took of an LA restaurant (it’s cooler than it sounds, I promise) are you outgoing or shy?

shyyy do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yesss plz do do you like your neighbors?

Yeah, most of them. Some of them won’t give me the time of day bc they are salty that we teenagers exist… do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

All of the above have you ever been high?

no have you ever been drunk?

Tipsy, not drunk last thing you ate?

A piece of watermelon favorite lyrics right now

“The hurt won’t last forever” summer or winter?

summer day or night?

Night dark, milk, or white chocolate?

milk favorite month?

May, december what is your zodiac sign

Sagittarius who was the last person you cried in front of?

my teacher gotta love speech anxiety

[jessthequeenofstories]

😶

I’m still awake at 6am

My friend is in my bed

I’m lying with my head at the foot and my feet on a chair

Casual

I’m used to being weird

🙃

She keeps half-waking up and poking me with her feet

And I keep scaring her when I move away

But she’s still half asleep so makes a scared noise but forgets about it two seconds later

This is actually hilarious

I’m actually trying not to fucking laugh right now

So I’m just staying up on Tumblr to pass the time

Cause I’m insomniactic anyway

Is that even a word

Will I ever use grammar

I used apostrophes so yeah maybe

That last sentence should have had at least three commas in it

Fuck grammar

Up da arse

And apparently fuck spelling as well

Oh I already established that with the made-up word

Ow she just kicked me

😂

Wanna get up and eat some cake but she’ll think I’m a ghost or something and probably attack me with a cucumber or something

Don’t ask why I have a cucumber in my room

You should be more worried why I want cake while my friend is sleeping next to me

You dirty bastards

So this will be a fun post for her to read when she wakes up

Or fun pussy as my autocorrect just wrote

Ow stop kicking me

Your toe nails are sharp af

I have no nails so

So what

Where was I going with that argument

Not this doesn’t make sense without grammar

Why aren’t I using grammar again

Maybe it’s a rebellion against society

Maybe I’ll start a revolution against the English and their fucked up language with it’s fucked up rules

I’m Welsh after all

So no more grammar

Instead the word baa will be used instead of a full-stop baa

And the name Tom Jones will be used instead of question marks if that’s alright with you Tom Jones

And popty ping will be used popty ping to keep up with the pattern going on here popty ping instead of commas baa

Make sense Tom Jones

Good baa

I’m probably gonna wake her up soon if I don’t stop laughing baa

She told me she’d probably be awake by seven baa

It’s almost half six now baa

I’m waiting baa

Is this grammar getting annoying Tom Jones

It’s dyslexic af popty ping as most of you already know popty ping so it is getting quite annoying for me as well baa

It’s hard to remember where everything goes baa

A bit like having sex really baa

Baa really should not be in the same sentence as sex really

Now that sentence doesn’t make sense if you’re still reading it as a full stop

Period really should not be in the same sentence as sex really

Well that’s a bit true also

Ewww

Unless you’re lesbian vampires then I guess live and let live

If that’s you’re thing I ain’t knocking it

I am legit on the edge of my bed

Fucking toe nails of death edging closer

I feel like I’m in an Indiana Jones film

Or James Bond

Edging closer to the edge of a cliff while spikes urge me backwards

A bit like Elsa and those guards in her ice castle

Well one was being pushed while the other was being impaled

Oh look I’ve been impaled

Oh bother

If you’re wondering why apostrophes never got a Welsh update it’s because I’m not that dyslexic

I know how to use grammar

I’m just being ironic

But I’d look like an idiot to not use apostrophes

So yeah

Point proven

Ironic peace sign

☮

No not that peace sign

✌

Yes that peace sign

Wow I need cake

🍰

More cake

🎂

More

Wait, real cake tho

I can’t eat pixles

I’m not PAC Man

Mostly cause I’m not a man

What is a PAC anyway?

It sounds very racist

Well whatever it is I’m not it

Unless it means dyslexic then yes

I am a PAC

Or Welsh

Then I am a PAC

Or awake at half six in the fucking morning

Then yes

I am

Indeed

A PAC

Man

Minus the man

Omg she curled her legs up

I’m away from the feet

I feel so freed

It feels like the liberation of France

I have so much space

I might even have enough room to turn over to the other side

😮

My god this is a joyous day

This shall go down in the history books

The day I was freed from the torture of toe nails

😄

And nope she just stretched her legs out again

Now I’m gonna have to cancel that party

Sorry no cake for you

Sorry Chuckles maybe you can come for Halloween instead

Just gonna stick a pin in all these balloons

Watch them all pop

Like my personal space bubble

Pop

It is done

There is nothing less

Oh sweet heavenly slumber why hath art forsaken me

Dramatic faint

Oh wait if I’m fainted than does that mean I’m not asleep

Maybe

But how am I typing

Can people sleep-text

I mean people drunk-text all the time and they manage that quite successfully

My mum used to say I sleep-sing

Is that true

Do I really sleep-sing

Of course fucking not I don’t fucking sleep

Or use grammar

Or do anything normally

I have legit spent half an hour of my life writing this post non-stop

And for what reason

Was it to tire me out

Was it to cure my boredom

Was it to make my friend laugh when she wakes up

No

No it wasn’t

I did this all for cake

Sweet sweet cake

And I would do anything for cake

I’d run right into hell and back

I would do anything for cake

Ect ect

I forgot the rest of the song

Meatloaf mf

I’m so fucking bored

Maybe I should write my own song

Or maybe I should sleep

Song it is then

So what should the song be about

Defo not a love song

Unless it’s about my love for cake

Then it that case it should be about a love triangle between me cake and pie

Why pie

Because she’s my cherry pie

And fuck all that rest of the song idkfml

I love how my autocorrect didn’t even bother to suggest a word for that

😂

So maybe the song should be about

Hold you horses she just actually for real tucked her legs up

Halaluhja

Praise the gods above

Or below

Or in the middle

Where you chillin at Gabriel

But omg I’m so fucking happy

I’m alive

I’m insomniactic but alive

I just wanna get up and great the world with a happy smile

Hello sunshine

Goodbye sunshine cause let’s be real this is Britain

Hello rain-clouds

Hello puddles

Hello awkward snail that tries to hug the pavement when I try and move you out from the middle of the pavement

Hello shops that are closed on a Sunday because fuck the milk I need for my morning cup of tea

Did I say morning

Sorry I meant 5 in the afternoon when I finally get the energy to role or of bed

It’s winter of course the sun has fucked of by 5pm

Sorry lad a babe in Australia wants me to kiss her whole body

😚

Does anyone what call freckles sun-kisses

Don’t worry I don’t call them that

My mum calls them that though

She used to tells us that so we wouldn’t feel bad about having them

Mum’s covered in them

Either she’s trying to spread possitivity about freckles or she’s having an affair with the sun

I mean it’s pretty hot

Who wouldn’t bang that

Me

And probably most of the population of the earth

Don’t worry mum you’ve got it all to yourself

But when you’re complaining about how you’re heart burns in desire

Just realise it is actually burning

Yup it actually burns

Burn

Oh my god I’m so bored

I just realised this whole post is like an hour in the life of the brain of Jesse Hester

Wtf

What a title

Screw whatever title I gave this post

That is the official title now

It’s only been there-quarters-of-an-hour

Fuck

You’re only three-quarters the way through this post

Ha

Ha ha

Ha

Bored yet

Cause I sure am

I want cake

I want tea

I want dick

-s like Mr Fedora Guy to fuck off

Ow stop kicking me baa

I’ve decided to start implementing the Welsh grammar again baa

It was creative and fun baa

What popty ping don’t you like it Tom Jones

What’s not to like about it Tom Jones

I thought you loved reading everything in Welsh baa

I’ll try writing in real Welsh then

Helo

I love how the Autocorrect changed it to help

Literally what I’m thinking right now

Helo

Dwi'n Jesse ydw i

Stop trying to capitalise i

It’s a word not the English word

Why do we capitalise I by itself but not the letter A by itself

And why did my Autocorrect decide to keep that I upcapitalised

Questions

I have ten minutes to talk

Fuck I’m slowing down

Never

Capitalise the word never

Because I haven’t actually fully capitalised any words yet

What the fuck is this post

I don’t even fucking know anymore

This was supposed to be just a fun little thing to keep me occupied

But now

Now this is a legend

A legacy

I have seven minutes to keep this up

Even if I feel sleep I can’t give this up

I can’t give up the randomness

I can’t give up the bad grammar

And I will not

For the love of God

Give up the

God

Damn

Cake

Capitalise the word Cake for drama

I love how my autocorrect make cake a person

Cake

Like it’s a name or something

Well Cake is my cakefriend now

We’re official

Don’t worry The Wife™ we’re still legally married

Holy fuck five minutes guys

I honestly don’t know how to end this post

I feel like it should just go out on a bang

But I don’t want to spoil the structure by suddenly adding a gif is something

What can I say

What can I do

Omg so many choices

But non is good enough

God I feel like I’m choosing universities all over again

What am I talking about I only ever wanted to go to this uni

Fuck the others

Three minutes

Holy fuck

Holy mother of fucking

Mothers fuck

Sad but true truth

Ew

I don’t want to think about that

I legit shipped my mum with the sun about twenty minutes ago

Two minutes

Shit shit shit

What do to

What do fucking do

Oh don’t you dare kick me

No

No way

Ugh

What is my life

One minute

Omg

Omgggggggggg

Add as many adjectives beginning with G to that acronym

Jess I love you bae

😘

Love you forever!!! ❤

SEVEN MOTHER FUCKING O'CLOCK

[sunkissis]

Bonjour guys,

I’ve had the most formidable (as the French say), chill summer. We hosted many special and dear friends and family that we ended up staying in Paris all summer. I started a new venture called Mon Ami Paree walking tours and this weekend we are hopping on a train for our 17th wedding anniversary. It’s completely bananas to me that I have done anything for as long as seventeen years but I’ve been with lovely Antz for half of my life so I consider myself lucky. I’ve been thinking about how I am getting closer to the midpoint of my life (fifty is creeping on me) and all the things I’ve learned, failed and grown from. Here’s my list of real talk life advice that have shaped me thus far.

Don’t pick at your face. I am so old school in my skin regime that I still use toothpaste on my pimples and I never touch my face. Now that I live in a city without a car, I feel the dirt and sun more than ever. So, everyday I wash my face with Bliss fab foaming 2-in-1 cleanser & exfoliator with bamboo buffers  (I bought a huge bottle before we left LA) and moisturize with my Holy Grail Aveeno Positively Radiant Sheer Daily Moisturizing Lotion. That’s it! I try my best not to frown but I am embracing my laugh-line wrinkles.

Manners first in everyday situations. When I was 11, I spent a summer in Oklahoma with my Grandmother’s sister. My Great-Aunt was super traditionally strict and she basically put me in charm school boot camp that summer. No elbows on the table, ask to be excused from the table and always say Good morning when you greet someone. These are no-brainer rules for Liv, lucky me I rarely have to remind her but it’s such a dying part of our society. Bring a gift the first time you visit someone’s house, hold the door for people struggling, make eye contact when you speak to someone. So many people have a hard time learning names but I always say the person’s name when we meet to remember it. I also write myself notes to remind myself (cute family we met at the park with two kids and live in the 2eme). Please learn a strong handshake. When I meet someone with a weak handshake I want to head bump them so hard. How far will you get in life with that weak grip? I don’t trust weak hand shakers. I often have to catch myself from saying “Bless you” out loud when someone sneezes on the bus because I get such strange looks (I forget, no one speaks English). One of the most charming things I appreciate here in Paris is you must always speak to a shopkeeper or bus driver when you enter. I also love how people offer their seats to elderly or pregnant women without a thought. From my observations, pregnant ladies get treated like princesses here. Remember, politeness goes a long way and shows integrity.

Always bring a umbrella! I have learned the hard way so many times since I moved to this land of unpredictable rain. I have gotten caught in rain and hailstorms without even a jacket. I am so LA that I forget to wear a jacket when I leave the house and the sun is shining bright. Little did I know it can take less than an hour for the weather to take a major turn. We have acquired so many cheap umbrellas because we get caught in the rain. Now we carry a bag every time we go out with two small umbrellas, a pack of wet wipes, portable phone charger and cords, hand sanitizer, our table tennis rackets (almost every park has a table) and a water bottle. These things used to live in the trunk of my car but now I have to schlep everything myself.

Invest in quality lip balm. I used to throw Vaseline on my lips if they were chapped for years in my twenties. Then I got an Anthropologie gift card for my birthday so I bought some fancy Smith Rosebud Salve. I loved the smell of the balm but the container would get bent in my bag and it was too cumbersome and messy to open. So when I found EOS in sweet mint at Target, I was addicted. I literally brought 20 of them to Paris with me because I fear running out. My Mom even sends me more in my care packages because she knows I am obsessed. Find a quality lip balm and never leave home without it in your purse. Trust me, I had to stop at a 24 hour grocery store to buy some lip balm while I was on my way to the hospital when I was in labor with Liv.

My Mommy keeps me stocked with LA necessities.

Don’t buy something with the hope of losing weight to wear it later. I bought a cute baby doll dress from Target thinking, it’s so cute and not expensive, I’ll lose some weight in my arms and be able to wear it in a few months. That dumb dress sat in my closet for five years. Why mentally psyche yourself up for something you can’t enjoy now? I no longer starve myself, or beat myself up about my weight. I am healthy and loved. I walk more now than I ever did and I feel great in my clothes. The apparel industry has come around to accepting that all women aren’t size six, so I feel great about being able to buy clothes that don’t look matronly or feel left out of what the cool girls are wearing. I was even asked to try-on clothes for two brands I adore (my darlings at Ace & Jigand Ban.do)  This 42 year old lady is still as rad as I was at 22!

Never not wearing my favorite Ace & Jig dress

Embrace your quirky self! I used to have an unhealthy relationship with my hair. I have bleached it to death, chemically straightened it for years and mistreated it out of sheer laziness. The straw that broke my hair unhappiness was in January 2017. I was putting a chemical straightener on my hair when I had to take off my Olivia pendant necklace (the chemicals would ruin it)  I somehow lost my necklace that day so I vowed to never use that stupid (and damaging) stuff again. I haven’t put any chemicals or color on my hair since then. I replaced my necklace too. When I want to change my look, I get colorful braids. Now that I live in a more humid climate (my hair literally turns into a mushroom the second I go outside)

I’ve learned to embrace my natural curls. I have an established hair routine that I do once in a while because I’m still lazy but the less I mess with my hair the stronger and healthier it’s been. I bought products I know keep my dry, damaged hair moisturized and leave it alone. I broke my expensive flat iron when I first moved her because of the dumb voltage. I bought a new Euro flat iron but it doesn’t work as well as my old one so I decided, why go through the time and energy trying to make my curly hair straight? Now I throw tons of leave-in conditioner in my hair, or sometimes I wear flexi rods overnight and poof! I’m little orphan Lizzie.

Young Lizzie and Lizzie in her 20s (with extensions)

I’ve retired my signature braids for the summer to give my hair a rest and let it breathe. Braids are a protective hairstyle in the Black hair community but they can also cause breakage if you use the wrong type of hair or have them braided too tight. Plus they are annoyingly hot.

Please for the love of God know the difference between homophones (words that sound the same but are spelled and mean different things!) I am in a Facebook travel group and when I see adult people typing “I waisted a ticket because the whether was bad,” I have a brain meltdown. Listen, I am no grammar snob, I am completely aware my spelling is atrocious (thanks autocorrect for fixing that for me) and I am a serial run-on-sentence writer, but if you aren’t sure (NOT SHORE) which word to use, take a second and Google it. It took me years to grasp the difference between stationary and stationery. I subscribe to Word Genius which emails me a new word a day. I really wish I had a reason to use the word hornswoggle on my blog. Learn new things all the time.

Master your penmanship. I may sound so old-fashioned and prissy in my unsolicited advice but have you ever tried to read a doctor’s prescription? I now live in a country where they write in lovely italic cursive however, I can’t tell an S from an R. Liv has beautiful penmanship, I have always instilled taking pride in your handwriting in her from an early age yet the French education system has taken over and she writes so teeny tiny, I can’t figure it out. I bought her a calligraphy set and she loves to practice writing fancy.

Not everyone is going to like you. Believe it or not this is hard for extroverts like myself to accept. I can be hypersensitive and get anxiety around new people. I am an only child so my friendships are everything to me. I have been told that I am a people person but I really have a small inner circle of only about five or six people who really know the real uncensored me. I’ve had to deal with people flaking on me, people mischaracterizing me and many people doubting me for years. My confidence comes from learning self-trust. I am okay being the loud girl who listens to weird music or dresses like a toddler obsessed with rainbows, that is who I am, not sorry about it. I can’t help but be selfish about my happiness. I try my best to set an example for my (sometimes shy and quiet) daughter because growing up is hard and things like bullying, eating disorders and now the fake Instagram perfection standard makes it even harder. I never had a sibling to give me advice or tell me I look crazy so I’ve made great friends and spent time listening and learning. I now have many sisters (by marriage and my bff) but I wish I knew at 13 that just because someone didn’t like me meant something was wrong with me. As you get older, you stop caring what other people think. What they think doesn’t matter and are inconsequential to your success! 

Proud Pokemon Go Mom. If you play too, let me know so we can be friends!

Fail, ugly cry and then try that shit again until you succeed! OMG, this was a hard lesson for me to learn y’all. I am impatient and when I don’t immediately get my way, I turn into the biggest brat ever. I have gone through every type of disappointment, felt like life was over for me and through all the drama and heartache, always came through better than I started. It’s weird when you are going through something serious, it feels like being stuck in quicksand. I now know that the harder something is for me to achieve, the more it’s worth it. I also know that anything worth doing requires sacrifice and commitment. You may sacrifice sleep, spending money, eating desserts but will it be worth the sacrifice in the end? Ask yourself this when going into a new venture. I have learned in the past twenty two years that my internal stress and anxiety is a complete overreaction. I know deep down things will work out because it always seems impossible until it’s done. The word is literally I’M POSSIBLE!!

Have a lovely rest of the summer. I am still working on last summer’s travel posts, it’s taking forever because my laptop memory is full so for every photo I upload I have to throw away three. It’s moving slow but it’s possible.

Bisous

My mid-life check in Bonjour guys, I've had the most formidable (as the French say), chill summer. We hosted many special and dear friends and family that we ended up staying in Paris all summer.

[amazonauthorinsights-live]

A conversation with my copyeditor

By Edan Lepucki

An in-depth look at a copyeditor’s process

I’ve fallen in love with my copyeditor, Susan Bradanini Betz. Not only did she find all the mantle/mantel homonym errors in my novel manuscript, but she also helped me with my commas and discovered a couple of embarrassing inconsistencies. (“First she had a briefcase,” one of her notes reads. “Now it’s a suitcase.”) She is both respectful of style and sharp as knives about grammar. Also, she said she’d read a sequel to my book—if not a whole series!—so of course I love her.

I’ve always been curious about a copyeditor’s process, and Susan was kind enough to answer a few questions of mine. Susan has been in the publishing business for, as she puts it, a zillion years. She’s worked in-house as both a copyeditor and an acquisitions editor and currently freelances, mostly for Knopf and Soho Press. She recently started working with Little, Brown again, which was one of her main clients in the 1980s and 1990s. She lives in Chicago.

The Millions: You have worked in book publishing for years, not only as a copyeditor but also as an in-house editor doing acquisitions and all that. You told me copyediting is your favorite of these jobs. Why?

Susan Bradanini Betz: When I copyedit, I get closer to the manuscript than I was ever able to as an acquisitions editor. I read every single word, looking at each word and tracking the syntax, not skimming over sentences. It’s not my job as a copyeditor to suggest big-picture changes or comment on quality, so I am focused on the story and the language at the word and sentence levels. I keep the reader in mind and try to anticipate what might be confusing or problematic; I check facts and dates and track characters and events for consistency; and I do the most thorough read I possibly can, coming away with an in-depth understanding of the work that wasn’t possible for me in acquisitions.

As a freelance copyeditor, I work for publishers who expect me to do a thorough job. And when I find an error in a novel’s chronology or an incorrect date in a nonfiction book, I feel that is as important to the integrity of the book as when I used to suggest switching chapters around.

TM: What are the copyeditor’s particular pleasures and challenges?

SBB: I love being able to read a manuscript closely, word by word, or even—when something is particularly dense—syllable by syllable. (Yes, I have done that.) The main challenge, other than the usual one of balancing deadlines with quality, is making a sustainable living as a freelance copyeditor.

TM: Can you describe how you go about copyediting a manuscript? What’s your reading process like? How in the hell do you manage to catch the smallest of errors?

SBB: Ideally, I’d have time to read through every manuscript twice: once to mark everything and once just to read and find whatever I missed the first time through. But the schedules don’t allow for that. Plus, I usually end up reading each sentence multiple times anyway.

So when I get a manuscript, I just start right in on page 1. I don’t page through or skim the manuscript first, because I want to be aware of the evolution of the story and the order in which information is presented. That way, if some detail important to the reader’s understanding was inadvertently dropped in the author’s revision process, I’m more likely to catch it.

I usually read the first sixty to a hundred pages without marking anything but the most cut-and-dried items—serial commas, typos, backward quotation marks, those sorts of things. I start my style sheets right away on page 1, keeping track of the author’s existing style for thoughts, words, dialogue, and so on and noting what seems intentional and what seems unintentional.

Once I’m familiar with the author’s style and voice, which usually happens around page sixty, I begin making copyediting changes that I hope are consistent with the author’s intent and the publisher’s expectations. I query a lot rather than changing a lot. When I reach the end of the manuscript, I go back and copyedit those first sixty pages.

Creating style sheets is the secret to catching small errors. I am obsessed with my style sheets. I keep a word list, a character list, a list of places (fictional and real), a chronology, a general style sheet, a list of hyphenated modifiers, and any other list that helps me keep track of everything. I usually fact-check as I go, although when I’m pressed for time, I make a list of items to look up later, sometimes after I’ve returned the manuscript to the publisher. In those cases, I send a list of corrections that can be added by the production editor to the first pass. (Ha-ha, if someone else wrote this paragraph, I’d query the repeat of “list”—I used it seven times in five sentences.)

Because I read slowly, I also remember odd little details that provide a strong visual image, and so as I read along, if my visual image is jarred by a description, I’ll backtrack to figure out whether there’s some inconsistency. I remember more details about characters in novels I’ve copyedited than I remember from my own life.

TM: Can you turn off your copyediting mind when you’re reading for pleasure?

SBB: No, I can’t turn it off, but believe it or not, that mind-set makes pleasure reading more pleasurable for me. When reading for pleasure, I don’t read as slowly as when I copyedit, but I am not a fast reader. Often I will read a sentence more than once, then flip back and forth, comparing it with other sentences, just as I do when copyediting. I think I’ve always read like a copyeditor, even way back before I knew what a copyeditor was. One of my favorite authors is Proust, and when I was young, I would read some of his sentences over and over, trying to make sure I understood how every word related to the other words and just to make sure I understood what he was saying.

TM: So I guess it’s possible to have fun reading while you’re copyediting…

SBB: Yes! I have fun reading nearly all the manuscripts that come to me—maybe all. I think of my job as publishers setting up an amazing reading list for me.

I try not to read ahead of my editing, but sometimes it’s impossible not to because I’m so caught up in the story. Many things can be noticed only when you are reading slowly and reading something for the first time. If I read ahead, I have to go back and reread everything at a copyediting pace. But because I already know what’s going to happen, I might make assumptions that don’t take into account the reader’s limited information at that point in the story.

TM: In a conversation between Michael Pietsch and Donna Tartt that ran in Slate, Pietsch quoted from the letter Tartt sent to her copyeditor for The Goldfinch:

I am terribly troubled by the ever-growing tendency to standardized and prescriptive usage, and I think that the Twentieth century, American-invented conventions of House Rules and House Style, to say nothing of automatic computer functions like Spellcheck and AutoCorrect, have exacted an abrasive, narrowing, and destructive effect on the way writers use language and ultimately on the language itself. Journalism and newspaper writing are one thing; House Style indubitably very valuable there; but as a literary novelist who writes by hand, in a notebook, I want to be able to use language for texture and I’ve intentionally employed a looser, pre-twentieth century model rather than running my work through any one House Style mill.

What are your thoughts on Tartt’s argument? (And were you the copyeditor to receive this note?!)

SBB: Yikes—no, fortunately, I wasn’t the copyeditor to receive that note. But often, when an author has that kind of reaction, it’s a result of misunderstanding. Most copyeditors don’t want to alter anything in a manuscript that the author has done on purpose.

The house style is set by the publisher, and copyeditors generally receive a manuscript without any guidelines other than to follow the house style for that publisher. And “house style” doesn’t refer to writing style but refers to mechanics such as capitalization, hyphenation, spelling (most often the house dictionary is Webster’s Eleventh), and so on. In addition, copyeditors watch for dangling modifiers, subject-verb and antecedent-pronoun agreement, repeating words, chronology, and consistent names and dates, among other things. And they are expected minimally to verify dates, proper nouns (personal names, place-names, streets and highways, institutions, etc.), foreign words, brand names, and slogans or advertisements—really, to verify as much as possible within the allotted time. Add to that that freelancers have no benefits and work for an hourly rate, so getting continual work from a publisher is important. What all that means is that the copyeditor is pressed for time and is unlikely to go against house style unless instructed to do so, for fear that the publisher will think she just doesn’t know how to copyedit.

Copyeditors are always guessing at the author’s intentionality, and a copyeditor who assumes everything the author has done is inadvertent does come off as a harsh schoolmarm. For example, in the note, the author writes, “Twentieth century, American-invented conventions.” A copyeditor would revise that as “twentieth-century, American-invented conventions,” assuming that the cap T in “Twentieth” was a typo and the inconsistent hyphenation of compound modifiers was an oversight. However, “House Style,” which is not a proper noun, is capped three times in one paragraph. For me, that would be a signal that the author might have a personal cap style that I shouldn’t mess with. So I’d probably query the author about her intentionality regarding caps, calling out the occurrences so she can double-check that everything is as she wants it. If the copyeditor doesn’t at least call out the nonstandard style with a query, someone will do it later—either the production editor or the proofreader or even someone in publicity. And if the issue is raised after typesetting, the publisher is perfectly justified in asking why the copyeditor hadn’t settled that question earlier.

But that said, as an acquisitions editor, I saw copyeditors make all sorts of unjustified changes. And when I was acquiring poetry and fiction, I would sometimes lose it myself when I saw what copyeditors would do. I once had a copyeditor rewrite the last paragraph in a novel, which made the author (and me) go ballistic. The final paragraph! As if the author hadn’t given it considerable thought.

And sometimes a copyeditor is just mismatched to a project. Last year a publisher asked me to do a second copyedit on a memoir that had been thoroughly (way too thoroughly) copyedited already. The first copyeditor had changed so much that the author became paralyzed about a third of the way through his review of the copyeditor’s changes. According to what the publisher told me, and from what I could tell from the author’s comments on the copyeditor’s comments, he not only felt the copyeditor didn’t understand his work, but he started doubting his own choices. When I looked at the first copyedit, I understood the reasons behind nearly all her changes, but I also saw that she clearly did not get this author’s humor or his unique voice, which often involved nonstandard syntax. She had done a ton of work recasting passive sentences and paring down “awkward” (and by “awkward” I mean “hilarious”) sentences. And in many places he had agreed to a change that, honestly, purged all the humor and personality from a passage. So then I would query whether it was OK to reinstate his original, as it was better than the copyedited version. That was a case of a complete mismatch.

TM: Is there a tension between what you know to be “correct” and the artistic license of the writer? How do you handle that tension?

SBB: I see my job as a copyeditor as less about enforcing rules than about making sure the author is aware of anything in the manuscript that is nonstandard and confirming that any variations from standard grammar and punctuation are intentional. In my queries, I try to get across the idea that just because I’m asking a question doesn’t mean that something needs to be changed. As you know, I often qualify my questions by saying something like “just checking” or “it might be just me” or “not really necessary to change.” Especially with poetry, I love when an author responds with “yes, that is intentional,” because it means he or she truly thought through the style, so I don’t have to be so OCD about it.

TM: Have you noticed any new style and grammar trends in the last five years?

SBB: New copyediting trends generally pop up after a new edition of The Chicago Manual of Style is published, and the sixteenth edition came out in 2010. New guidelines in CMoS cause publishers to reevaluate their current house styles, because they have to decide what changes they will incorporate from the new edition. These are changes like what to do about capping a generic geographic noun when it follows more than one proper noun—so is it “Illinois and Chicago rivers” or “Illinois and Chicago Rivers”? The style has changed back and forth over the last editions of CMoS, but it’s something really only copyeditors get excited about.

For informative and entertaining updates on the state of copyediting, I keep up with Washington Post copyeditor Bill Walsh’s Twitter feed.

Just anecdotally, in the manuscripts I receive, I’ve noticed a lot of two-word proper nouns closed up (like SpongeBob), a result of tech product names, I guess. So when an author creates a fictional product or company now, it’s often one word made up of two.

I’ve noticed, too, that a lot of authors are omitting the word “that” and putting a comma in its place in dialogue or first-person narratives in fiction. I think that’s because many throwaway phrases currently used in conversation omit “that,” and the speaker pauses—for example, “I mean, I had a really good time at the party.” Almost every novel I’ve worked on in the past few years had at least one “I mean…” in dialogue. And in just about every conversation I have in real life, someone uses the phrase. But the comma for an omitted “that” happens with other constructions too, as in “She was so late, she missed the show” rather than “She was so late she missed the show” or “She was so late that she missed the show.”

TM: What are your favorite errors to fix?

SBB: I love to find errors that are important to the accuracy or quality of the manuscript, because then I feel as if my copyediting is contributing something more than tiny details—for example, a character being described as not having visitation with his kids but later taking them somewhere on “his” weekend, or someone beginning a scene sitting on a couch and then rising from a chair, or a character drinking a shot of whiskey but getting a refill on her red wine. Those are errors that usually result from the author’s revisions and multiple drafts, and they can slip past easily. I also like to catch dangling modifiers, because we all miss those, so it means I’m paying attention. I never change any of these, though, without querying, and most often I will just call them out to the author with a query. And yes, I have had authors who say that dangling modifiers are part of their style and don’t want to change them.

TM: I am proud that you said my manuscript was “clean,” but I was also appalled by my misuse of the comma! Can you provide three rules for comma use to put in my back pocket for the next book?

SBB: It isn’t so much that commas are misused as that authors often don’t realize their phrasing is effective enough to make the addition of nonstandard commas unnecessary. A comma isn’t always needed to make the reader catch a pause in dialogue or narrative; often the syntax does that just fine, and an unnecessary comma slows the reader down too much.

So in addition to the serial comma (“I adopted a lab mix, a poodle, and a Lhasa mix”), here are the three commas that I think work best when handled per standard punctuation style:

1. Avoid a comma between elements of a series connected by conjunctions.

I adopted a lab mix and a poodle and a Lhasa mix.

2. Add a comma between independent clauses connected by a conjunction unless each clause is short, especially if the conjunction is “but.”

I used to foster dogs, but I had to stop after I adopted Frank.

3. Avoid using a comma between compound predicates or objects.

I brought Frank home as a foster dog and just couldn’t return him to the shelter.

I’ve had many dogs but never bought a puppy from a pet store.

I feed my dogs kibble and homemade treats.

4. And a bonus tip: Always add a comma after a phrase or clause ending in a preposition to avoid “reading on.”

After I put my coat on, the dogs knew it was time to go out. (Even “After I put on my coat, the dogs knew it was time to go out” reads better with the comma, though there’s no chance of reading on.)

A version of this article originally appeared on The Millions.

Edan Lepucki

Edan Lepucki is a staff writer and contributing editor for The Millions. She is the author of the novella If You’re Not Yet like Me, the New York Times best-selling novel California, and Woman No. 17, which was published in spring 2017.