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iwa1zumis · 4 years ago

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“i love you and i like you”: passion and burnout in Haikyuu!!

tw: discussions of self harm, anxiety, burnout and breakdowns.

spoilers for the whole manga!!

okay this is probably gnna be jflkafjdklfj all over the place, but i’ve been thinking a lot lately about the difference between loving and liking something, and how haikyuu emphasises the importance of both those feelings being present when pursuing a passion.

a quick look at google (and i KNOW my college professors are cringing away in horror victor frankenstein-style @ my use of google definitions but jflajfsdk bear with me!!) demonstrates how often the concepts of love and like are conflated, with love her being framed as a sort of deeper or more intense like: “to like or enjoy very much” to be specific. but personally i’ve always thought there’s something a bit misleading about that kind of definition, since its absolutely possible to love something or someone without necessarily liking them. to take a personal example: i love debate. i debated through middle and high school, made captain of the debate team, and was constantly travelling to and fro for different tournaments. even before i started to debate formally i’d jump at the chance to do mini-debates in class, argue with and rebut parents and friends over meals and causal conversation.... you get the idea. i loved debate, and still love it dearly, but i honestly don’t think i particularly liked it much. tournaments would always fill me with the most INSANE kind of stress, i’d barely eat or sleep in the days leading up to a meet, and i’ve had more muffled bathroom breakdowns in between rebuttals than i can count. after my final year of high school, i decided against joining the debate at university. i knew that if i were to retain ANY love for the activity going into the future, i had to force myself to take a break.

so what does this solipsistic tangent have to do with haikyuu, you ask? well i have no doubt that a vast majority of the players in the series love volleyball. they’re dedicated and passionate about it. they hunger for the chance to be put on the court. but do they like to play?

1. oikawa: “i forgot that volleyball can be fun”

ofc i wouldn’t be an oikawa stan worth my salt if i didn’t start this off with the (grand) king himself!! imo one of the reasons why oikawa is such a popular and well-loved character is his constant determination to keep moving forward and playing, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable opponents and adversities (”never forget my worthless pride”, anyone?). inevitably, all the hard work and practise he put into his craft has left him with a very carefully constructed, put together playstyle-- he’s the kind of player who knows how to bring the best out of each and every teammate on the court because of the amount of time he spends observing them and playing with them. it’s an outlook and playstyle best encapsulated in his now iconic line during the second karasuno v seijoh match:

“Talent is something you make bloom, instinct is something you polish!”

in my opinion the word “polish” it super significant here-- it explicitly singles out the years and years of hard work that set a foundation for his talent and instinct to shine.

but what happens when they don’t shine? there’s no denying that oikawa is an incredibly skilled and intuitive player (something that hinata’s acknowledgment of him as the “great king” to kageyama’s “king” immediately sets out) but oikawa himself is acutely aware of the fact that he can never quite measure up to his long-time rival ushijima or his immensely talented protege kageyama. oikawa’s self described strategy to deal with opponents is to:

“Hit it until it breaks”

but what happens when hitting something again and again with your carefully honed, “polished” skills yields no results? imo there’s a very clear binary mentality drawn here-- either you hit it and it breaks, asserting your superiority; or you hit it and it doesn’t break, enforcing your inferiority. with each perceived loss against ushijima and kageyama, oikawa’s internalized logic holds his own weakness up to his own face, shaking his faith in himself as a player. if you’ll pardon the on-the-nose-metaphor: the whole “hitting it till it breaks” strategy is a two-way street, and oikawa has been hitting himself, metaphorically speaking, for a very long time. i have no doubt that he loved volleyball, passionately, through middle and high school. but with his inferiority complex growing in the face of constantly refuted results, i think he slowly began to like it less and less.

so how does oikawa get his groove back? to answer that, we’ll have to turn to the post-timeskip chapters, particularly the two chapters that deal with oikawa and hinata’s unexpected meeting in Rio (372 and 373 for anyone curious!). while reminiscing with hinata over dinner, oikawa finally reveals the event that made him want to play volleyball (as a setter, to be exact)-- as a child, he watched veteran setter jose blanco step into a game and

“... inconspicuously help[ed] the ace get his bearings again... and then simply left the court.”

oikawa’s reaction to blanco’s playstyle might just be one of my favourite panels in the chapter for how it conveys so much with such little space:

the stammer of “i-i--”, which suggests a sense of resolve and determination forming in real time, finally coalesces into the determined declaration of “i wanna be a setter too!” what i took from this is that oikawa’s admiration for-- and liking of-- blanco expresses itself in the agency with which he makes his choice, in this case, actively deciding to be a setter so that he can support players on the court like blanco did. the liking that oikawa has here is therefore inherently linked to the agency and freedom he feels here-- freedom to choose his position, and how he wants his volleyball career to develop.

this recollection of his childhood memories, and the subsequent game of beach volleyball that oikawa and hinata play afterwards, essentially push oikawa back into the mental and physical space of a child or beginner, as the manga demonstrates with panels of oikawa being forced to ditch his usual carefully developed, polished playstyle to learn the ropes of beach volleyball:

ultimately concluding with the beautiful panel transition of oikawa, as a child AND adult, celebrating after a successful play:

“It reminds me that-- I forgot that-- volleyball is fun.”

in a different country, playing a familiar game by slightly different rules and led back into the mentality and freedom of a novice after years of careful development, oikawa rediscovers his liking for the game.

2. kageyama: “when you get strong, someone stronger will rise to meet you”

moving on to the king of the court himself!! i’d argue that kageyama’s childhood memories and experiences of volleyball function almost oppositely to oikawa’s-- while oikawa has to re-access the sensation of being a beginner again to like the game along with loving it, kageyama’s process of coming to like and love volleyball come from moving away from his early experiences and into a new phase of playing-- specifically, his partnership with hinata.

one of kageyama’s defining features is his individualism-- he’s both skilled and solitary enough to prefer to, as he puts it, “play every single position on the court”. notably, he wants to become a setter because:

“[it’s] the one that touches the ball the most.”

in fact, i’d argue that kageyama’s “king of the court” attitude that he was known for in middle school is an extension of this individualistic mindset: he holds himself to extremely high standards, and expects his team-mates (as extensions of himself) to meet those very same standards. the similarities between his internal monologue and his commands to kindaichi in these two panels, for example, are strikingly, visibly similar:

there’s that near-identical intonation of “move faster, jump higher!” that implies that the way he treats his teammates is just an extension of how he treats himself-- a deeply self-critical, miserable way, as it turns out. it’s telling that for the first few chapters of a manga in which characters’ eyes literally light up when they’re happy, passionate or excited, kageyama’s eyes are drawn as pitch black, even while he’s playing.

imo the reason why hinata’s appearance, and their later partnership, is so significant for kageyama’s personal development is because he can’t treat hinata like an extension of himself. hinata challenges him and his preconcieved notions of the sport at every turn: first with his lightning-fast reflexes and raw intuition, and then with his determination to hit kageyama’s toss no matter what. in fact, the first time that kageyama’s eyes light up in the manga is, you guessed it, when he and hinata first pull off a successful “freak quick”:

during the post-timeskip chapters we’re introduced to kageyama’s backstory in much greater detail: the way in which his grandfather fostered his passion for volleyball and the timing with which his grandfather’s illness and later death left kageyama increasingly alienated, thus further enforcing his individualist mentality. but what the chapter also gave us was an explicit confirmation of a theme that had been built up from the very beginning of the story, when kageyama’s grandfather tells him:

“when you get really strong, i promise someone stronger will rise to meet you”

i’ve seen translations of the line that use both “meet” and “challenge”, and personally i’d have to say that i prefer “challenge” for what it implies-- even before hinata got strong enough to actually meet kageyama halfway he challenged him to move away from his pre-established mindset of doing everything himself, and into one where he actually comes to enjoy-- and like-- volleyball.

3. hirugami: “maybe you’ve just had your fill”

hirugami’s case is kind of a strange one-- unlike oikawa and kageyama he’s not a major character, and his relationship with volleyball only gets a single backstory chapter as opposed to a series-long arc. but i personally ADORE his mini-arc for the things it has to say about burnout, passion and moving on.

hirugami is introduced as the youngest member of a volleyball family-- his parents, older brother and older sister all play the sport. when explaining how he began to play himself, hirugami says:

“... naturally, i started to play too. because i was good at it, and it was fun.”

imo there are a lot of really interesting things to pick apart with this phrasing: the “naturally” implies a foregone conclusion but also a degree of passivity, like he himself recognises that he was swept up in his family’s influence. the “it was fun” coming AFTER “because i was good for it” also implies a degree of correlation, as though if he didn’t have the aptitude, he wouldn’t enjoy the game (a mindset markedly different to both oikawa and kageyama). as hirugami gets older, this correlation of being good ----> having fun ----> being able to play begins to reverse, and therefore manifest in increasingly self destructive ways:

the main impetus for hirugami has now become not wanting to lose, which therefore requires a degree of heightened practise and self discipline in order to achieve. notably, having fun has been reduced to an afterthought, a state that might be achieved if he wins.

the correlation of “winning” and “being good” is a slipperly slope to go down, though, something that becomes especially apparent after hirugami’s team lose a game. the frustration of being unable to reach his goal of winning manifests itself as not being “good enough”-- acting on this, hirugami seeks to punish himself for “messing up”:

the close up panel of hirugami’s “confession” after hoshiumi confronts him hits particularly hard because it taps into a feeling that i’m sure almost all of us have felt at one point or another-- the realisation that something you once both loved AND liked is now only bringing you misery:

ironically, it’s actually this acknowledgement of “not really liking volleyball that much” that acts as a catalyst for hirugami’s recovery from burnout. hoshiumi’s acknowledgement of, and reply to, hirugami’s state is seemingly simple but deeply freeing:

and honestly, why not just quit? there’s nothing tethering hirugami to volleyball, certainly nothing as serious as life or death. personally my favourite part of this panel is hoshiumi’s description of volleyball as food from which hoshiumi has “eaten his fill”-- a lovely metaphor that re-contextualizes what could be seen as “time wasted” into something productive and indeed nourishing.

when we check up on hirugami post time-skip, we find out that he has indeed quit playing volleyball in favour of going to veterinary school, but he’s seen watching the game between the jackals and adlers on his phone with an eager, fond smile on his face, implying that it was the act of moving away from the table (so to speak) after eating his fill that let him still hold on to a love and passion for the game, even though he is now interacting with it as a spectator instead of a player. and indeed that might just be why i love hirugami’s arc so much-- with it, haikyuu tells us that sometimes passion’s don’t need to be re-ignited in the same way. while oikawa and kageyama rediscover their love for, and liking of, the game through a return to childhood and the arrival of a new partner respectively, hirugami’s journey away from burnout comes from recognizing that he can step away from the volleyball court, and that the love and like will still remain.

#ari.txt #meta #hq!! meta #haikyuu meta #hq!!#haikyuu #haikyuu!!#oikawa tooru #kageyama tobio #hirugami sachirou #me pointing @ myself: it's her officer! she's the one using her english lit degree to write 3k word long metas on sports anime!!#anyways jflafjsdlk this was an absolute blast to write!! and i'd LOVE to know what you guys think about it: do you agree? disagree?#please do let me know!! :>#long post

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tiredofthedrive · 4 years ago

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Why I Decided to Stay

tw: suicide

Last thursday, I thought about killing myself. I'm not really sure why. It wasn't a bad day; my sister had just come home for the weekend and it was nice to get together as a family again. School was going okay; a little stressful but nothing out of the ordinary. Something in me just could bear the thought of going on living, couldn't imagine a life in which I was really happy. I wasn't really thinking straight and part of me knew it, but it didn't stop the feeling from being there.

I didn't do it, obviously. I've thought about suicide a lot over the years, but I've never actually tried to go through with it. There's always something that stops me. Most of the time it's thinking about my mom, or my dogs. She'd probably never recover if I did it, and they'd never understand where I'd gone. I've had other reasons throughout the years but few of them have really stuck with me.

The problem, in my mind at least, is that the conventional wisdom when it comes to pain sucks. A million useless phrases jump to mind. It'll get better. Time heals all wounds. Focus on the positive. Find the beauty in life. You'll be okay. They sound real nice, but think for a second. Is there really anything to them?

Saying that things will get better or be okay is just plainly bullshit. No one knows if things are going to get better for anyone. There's no reason to believe that things have to get better for you, there's no cosmic scale weighing all the good and bad things that happen to people. Things happen. Sometimes people get hurt. Sometimes they don't. That's it.

And the ones that tell you to get through it, that you're strong enough to make it through? They

don't really hold up either. Because even if I can go on, why should I? These platitudes place this inherent, untouchable value on life when that just isn’t a reality for everyone.

I’m reminded of this Theodor Adorno quote: "To write poetry after Auschwitz is barbaric."

What he meant by this, or at least one interpretation of it, is that the horrors of the Holocaust couldn’t be expressed in a medium as subtle and as playful as poetry. The facts need to be stated conclusively, the horror needs to be acknowledged outright, and playing linguistic games after such an atrocity is disrespectful to its victims.

I think the same is true of platitudes. You reach a point where being told that it'll be okay,

that everything will work out, is insulting. You don't know that, so why tell me? The truth is that

you think my life will be easier if I believe it. But it's too late for that, I know that it isn't true. There are too many people who have suffered too much, too many horrors and injustices for me to ever believe that justice is automatic. I don't believe you anymore, I'm sorry.

So that's where I was on Thursday. Sometimes, reading philosophy helps. A while back I read Albert Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus and thought it was what I needed. The book is about how one can go on living without hope. The central metaphor of the text is Sisyphus, who is forced to roll a boulder up a hill and watch it roll down again, forever. Camus' argument is that even Sisyphus could find contentment with the right mindset, that "The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart." The problem is this just isn't true. Not for everyone anyway. Definitely not for me.

Not all philosophers are so optimistic, and I tend to be drawn to the ones that aren’t. There’s something about pessimism that so easily seduces me. I have to consciously fight it, and I don’t always win.

That week I'd been reading about Thomas Ligotti and Phillip Mainlander. Ligotti is a horror writer who specializes in psychological and existential horror and Mainlander was a 19th century philosopher who committed suicide after the publication of his first major work. In their eyes, life is a burden, not a gift. They believe that human beings are capable of causing and experiencing so much meaningless pain that trying to justify this world is absurd. Both argue that existence isn’t worth the cost of admission, that it would be better if we gave up the goose. Mainlander specifically says that death is the only redemption we are capable of.

I can’t bring myself to disagree with them. Too many terrible things have happened to innocent people for me to be able to make a legitimate defense of life. That inherent, untouchable value that we prescribe to it? I don’t think it exists. I think Sisyphus would want to end his torment any way he could, and I don’t think anyone has the right to take that away from him. Your life is your life, and no matter what anyone says the choice to live or die is always yours, and yours alone.

So why did I, in spite of all of this, decide to live? Well, part of the answer is cowardice; suicide is scary, really scary. But more than that, as I said before, I also knew that if I killed myself I’d also be killing my mom, and my sister. I could never do that to them, even if I really wanted to.

And that, I think, is the point of all of this. If I forget myself for a moment, and remember everyone else, the picture shifts. Most people are suffering, in one way or another. Most people want to live. And all of them need help.

Capitalism, racism, imperialism, sexism, abuse, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, ableism; there are so many cancers destroying the lives of so many people. If we lived in a perfect world without suffering, or if I were completely alone like Sisyphus, I think I could go right ahead and take my leave. But to do so now would be to abandon all my brothers and sisters and gender nonconforming siblings. If I can’t justify living, then so much the less can I justify leaving them all to live without me. People are hurting and we just can’t let that stand.

So fuck optimism, fuck platitudes, fuck “things will get better”. I’m going to live because I’ve got these two hands and the world is full of people who need someone to help them up.

And as for you, what I want you to get from this is that you don’t have to believe in life to keep living. If you’ve known enough hurt to consider suicide then you know just how much good you can do if you help ease the burden for others. All we have is each other. We can’t afford to lose you.

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the-bounce-back · 4 years ago

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THE “WRITING CURE” - 3 TYPES OF JOURNALING TO IMPROVE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Happy New Year, guys!

Yes, it is far too late to say that… but it’s my first post of 2021 and I’ve been procrastinating hella... so please kindly cry elsewhere if this is an issue. Thanks in advance!

I hope that everyone has had a fantastic start to the year despite the fact that we’re going to be held hostage in our own homes for at least another four months.

After giving myself time to throw a fit and and a little (massive and unnecessarily dramatic) strop after hearing the news about the new lockdown and calming down a bit, I started to contemplate how different it is this time around, for better or worse. Worse in the sense that it is a) the middle of f*cking winter so we can’t even enjoy being outside and have socially distanced pIcNiCs, and b) because it literally came out of nowhere so there was zero chance to mentally prepare for it. I literally woke up from a nap, checked socials and found out that we were suddenly on lockdown… Do you realise how mad that is?

Luckily, there are some silver linings with this lockdown that I brutally force myself to focus on so I don’t lose my sh*t. One thing is that most of us probably know by now how to keep some kind of structure to our days this time - because as much as binging trash tv, being horizontal for 75% of the day, eating, chatting shit on facetime for an obscene amount of hours, bunning and going to bed at 8 am was all fun and games the first time around, chances are that you realised pretty soon that your life was literally just wasting away and you have nothing to show for it… besides bedsores, losing all muscle definition and a migraine, that is. Yes, being lazy and unproductive is needed sometimes, but eventually you’re literally gagging for something to do - and this time around you probably have something creative or work-related to do that can keep your mind preoccupied.

Additionally, this lockdown comes hand in hand with the rollout of the vaccine, meaning that the end of this nonsense is coming closer and closer. Regardless of if you’re planning on taking it or not, it still means that the emotions that are a result of isolation and lack of social interaction won’t last forever - which, for me at least, is great news and makes things feel a lot less hopeless.

However, as much as focusing on the pOsItIvEs is imperative during times like these, it’s equally as important to acknowledge and feel your feelings. This whole situation f*cking sucks, let’s be real. We miss our families, we miss our friends, we miss going out, we miss going to the gym/having the option to go to the gym and making excuses not to. We miss our old lives, and the realisation that it is going to be what feels like eons until we can get back to that is bound to get people in their feelings from time to time… or all the time. I often find myself forcing myself to stay productive and creative, only to have the thought “What’s even the point?” attack me out of nowhere, and it really kills my vibe - because sometimes I can’t even think of a decent answer.

It’s dangerously easy to fall into a slump under these circumstances, regardless of how resilient and strong you feel that you are. Forcing yourself to find structure, purpose, inspiration and motivation during this time may be extremely important, but mate... it is exhausting. There’s only so much mental energy you can use to be ray of f*cking sunshine, and once that energy runs out, replenishing it is a huge task since you can’t even do the things you usually do to feel rejuvenated - because outside is locked off.

Ok, so I’m definitely projecting. But I know that a lot of people can relate to these occasional feelings of hopelessness.

This is where I’d usually remind you that these feelings are tEmPoRaRy and will pass, but I’m not going to do that because you’re probably sick of hearing it by now. Instead, I’m going to reintroduce you all to a coping method that you’ve all probably come across in your lives already - journaling.

As in, journaling with intent. I’m personally not very big on the whole “dEaR DiArY” thing where you just whine and b*tch and complain about people/yourself (but to each their own I guess), but I’m talking about writing about topics designed to aid your healing and to help you see the bigger picture of your mental health, and life in general.

I wrote a post a couple years ago about alternatives to therapy for those that aren’t keen on talking to a stranger about their problems (if you missed it, read it here), so I thought that this post could be an elaboration on that. Seeing as a lot of us may feel disconnected and isolated from our family and friends at this moment, getting into writing about your current mindstate, emotions and worries is definitely a healthy outlet that I would recommend to anyone that doesn’t want to bottle things up, but don’t feel like they have much choice.

“But Liv! I don’t have time to write endless pages about my feelings because I’m ~*extremely busy*~!”

I thought you might say that. First of all - extremely busy during a lockdown? Stop the lies please. Secondly, I’ve found that journaling is very much like going to the gym - once you’re into it and see the benefit of it you gladly set time aside to do it. However, if you view it as a gruelling chore that you’d less rather do than all the dishes currently in your sink, it’s very easy to come up with excuses to not do it. To be fair it isn’t for everyone, so if you try it and hate it it’s not the end of the world.

“Ok, you got me. I don’t want to do it because writing is LoNg”

I think what puts people off journaling has to do with the image that pops into their head. To this day I still imagine Elle Woods writing in a pink fluffy diary with a pink fluffy pen on her bed and kicking her feet in the air - which may be appealing to some (me), but cringe to other (uncultured) people. But journaling doesn’t have to be done on fancy stationary - you can literally do it in a word doc in bullet point form, or even record voice memos if writing is sOoOo LoNg. The idea is that you should find a method that works for you, doesn’t feel like a burden and that you can incorporate into your routine.

With that being said, I know a lot of people reading this will still think of excuses to not do it, so let me just focus on those that are open minded enough to try something new chile. I’ll be covering my three favourite journaling “methods”, that have helped me stay sane, motivated and in touch with myself. They are very much focused on emotional, spiritual and mental growth, and will encourage you to think outside of the box when it comes to your mindset and attitude towards challenges that may (will) arise.

What’s important to remember is that what works for me may not work for or resonate with you in the same way, so I definitely encourage further research into journaling/journal prompts that are tailored to your needs. Let’s get it!

1. Gratitude journals.

To say that a gratitude journal - as far as journaling goes, at least - is imperative for your mental health during times like these is definitely the understatement of the century. When you wake up and find yourself still being held hostage, that your body is still in an absolute shambles despite all the useless hOmE wOrKoUtS you’re doing AND on top of everything it’s f*cking snowing, learning to see things to be grateful for amidst all the stress and frustration might seem like a very difficult task. Especially when you feel like setting the whole building on fire.

However, trust me when I say that taking a few moments each day to appreciate the little things that are getting you through it all will make you realise that things could actually be a whole lot worse, giving you a slight boost in your mood and outlook - because imagine how you’d feel if the thing/person you’re grateful for wasn’t there to help you through what can be a really sh*tty time?

On top of just feeling better about this situation on a day-to-day basis, keeping a gratitude journal can also help you keep yourself grounded, present, self aware of what matters to you and just more mindful about life in general. When there’s not a whole lot of options of things to do, it can be very easy to fall into thought patterns of either wishing time would speed up so the future can come, or reminiscing on better and happier times in the past. I wouldn’t necessarily say that there is anything wrong with this from time to time, but it’s important to remember that life is still passing you by. On top of that, considering what made a kind of crap day bearable will help you realise that many of what we consider to be “bad days” are oftentimes a direct result of a negative attitude. Yes, I am projecting with this one.

With that being said, some days are genuinely just unfathomably horrible for seemingly no justifiable reason whatsoever - regardless of if you woke up feeling like a ray of sunshine or not. Again, even when bad moods aren’t a direct result of your stank attitude, practising gratitude can give you the motivation and kick in the arse you need to just ride the day out and remember that nothing that happens is permanent or unfixable.

Then, of course, there are the days when everything just feels like a burden - including thinking about positive things. Sometimes slumps just dropkick us in the throat out of nowhere, and it’s okay to take some time to allow yourself to be pissed off, sad and depressed. Obviously everyone has their own preferred method of riding out these slumps (my personal favourite is wallowing in it until I realise that I need to get a f*cking grip), but I definitely recommend trying to find something small you’re grateful for to remind yourself that it will pass, as this knowledge can make heavy emotions slightly lighter.

In terms of frequency, it really is down to the individual. I’m lazy in the sense that I don’t want to write every day, so at the end of each week I just write about three things that made things a whole lot easier and that prevented me from wilding the f*ck out. And in terms of what you put in the journal, the sky is literally the limit. It can literally be anything that has contributed to you keeping your sanity; last week it was katsu nuggets, the neosoul playlist I came across on Spotify and the fact that I was finally able to switch from a nose stud to a nose ring that made me feel grateful. So, in other words… don’t worry about it having to be profound or meaningful in any way.

2. Positive affirmations.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that you don’t live under a rock and that you understand the meaning of the saying that words carry energy and power, and the concept of speaking things into existence. When I first read about how the words we speak to ourselves and others can transform our internal states on a deep and profound level… all I could think about was how f*cked I am, as I literally only communicate in sarcasm, and brutal drags and insults are my love languages. In my defence, my sarcasm is a coping mechanism that has completely gone off the rails - but that’s a post for another day. The point I’m trying to make is that words have extreme power, and can, when repeated often enough, alter your attitude, perception and feelings about yourself, your goals in life and your current situation - for better or for worse.

So... technically we shouldn’t even be engaging in any kind of self-deprecating humor - because our brain doesn’t actually know the difference between seriousness and sarcasm/bants. All it knows is taking words at face value. BIG yikes.

With that being said, affirmations are powerful and positive statements that aim to direct your conscious and subconscious mind, as well as challenge unhealthy, negative and self-deprecating thinking patterns you might currently be engaging in. They can also influence your subconscious mind to access new beliefs - hence why saying them out loud and with intent on a regular basis is considered crucial for them to actually work. By intent I basically mean speaking your affirmations with conviction, like they are already true - regardless of how far away from them being true you may feel that you are.

In terms of writing positive affirmations that genuinely work, there are many different formats and methods out there that can be adjusted to the individual. I personally utilise a 3 step method that has been working well-ish for me so far - it’s still early days, but it’s definitely a positive habit that I’m trying my best to continue. The 3 steps are as follows:

1, Listing your perceived negative features.

Notice how I say “perceived negative features” as opposed to just “negative features”. This is important because more often than not, the things we are insecure about or don’t like about ourselves are only truly noticeable to us.

These features can literally be anything negative that has stuck with you over the years, regardless of if it’s a product of your own conclusions/internal critic or criticism/negative feedback from an external source. Usually they focus on your perception of yourself as a person, how you cope with life or the current situation you are in (e.g. home-/work-life, relationships etc).

The purpose of writing down things you don’t like about yourself isn’t to make you feel like sh*t, I promise. It’s to help you identify recurring themes in your insecurities, and to help you understand where these perceptions even came from in the first place.

2. Rephrasing your perceived negative features as a positive affirmation.

In this step, the aim is to find positive antonyms to the negative features you have listed. It’s important that the words you choose carry weight and resonate with you on an emotional level, while also feeling believable and attainable to you. This, because if you’re anything like me you’ll feel like you’re just lying to yourself if the affirmation is too over the top… which kind of defeats the purpose.

For clarity, here are a few of my perceived negative features (in the past), what they allude to and the affirmations I wrote for them:

- I worry too much about what other people will think about what I do, what I say, choices I make etc (fear of not being accepted/being talked about negatively) —> “I am feeling more empowered and self-assured as I release the need to care about others’ opinions”

- I’m too naive and keep letting people that don’t have my best interest at heart take advantage of my kindness (fear of disappointing people, fear of abandonment) —> “I am a kind, empathetic, loving person, and I am not at fault for showing kindness to people that didn’t deserve it”

- I hate the way my body is built and I constantly feel unattractive (low self esteem/confidence, body dysmorphia) —> “my body is beautiful, built exactly as it was meant to be, does all it can to ensure that I am strong and healthy and is immune to both internal and external criticism”.

3. Repeating your affirmations regularly.

This is where the ~*magic*~ happens. Yes, I am aware that telling yourself that you are that b*tch while looking into your own eyes in the mirror sounds very cringe and very coming-of-age-Netflix-original-for-tweens like. I can’t lie, it was in the beginning and I felt absolutely ridiculous… especially because a lot of my affirmations didn’t reflect how I felt about myself at the time. But as you incorporate repeating your affirmations into your daily routine, you’ll eventually start to feel a shift in your mindset towards yourself. The words you speak begin to chip away at the self-doubt and self-hate that you’ve built up over the course of your life, and you feel like you actually are stating facts instead of just trying to convince yourself.

Besides forcing myself to speak my affirmations out loud on a daily basis - regardless of how I’m feeling - I also make an effort to review them every couple of weeks to make sure that they are still relevant to how I feel about myself. Ideally, over time you’ll realise that the affirmations you made in the past confirm what you have always known deep down - that you are more than enough exactly as you are.

3. Shadow work.

Ok, so this sounds very dramatic, scary and ominous - and can’t lie, it can be if you allow yourself to be afraid of facing certain parts of yourself. In very brief terms, shadow work refers to the uncovering, processing and healing of different aspects of our “shadow” - which is essentially all the thoughts, emotions and behaviours we suppress and hide away in order to be perceived as “normal” by others around us. This might not seem like a problem, but the issue here is that the concept of “normality” and what is considered to be “normal” is in itself deeply rooted in the individuals past experiences, and especially childhood. For example, a person that grew up in an environment where expressing emotions and vulnerability/sensitivity was seen as a weakness may have problems with expressing their emotions as adults - since they have been conditioned to believe that emotions are a weakness, and are meant to be hidden away in order to be accepted.

As you can probably imagine, going through life with these false truths ingrained in your mind have a tendency to eventually come to the surface in some way in the future. Constantly feeling like you are restraining certain parts of yourself - regardless of if you’re aware of this or not - can manifest as issues such as mental and physical illness, feelings of low self-worth/esteem, addictions and many others issues that affect our life quality severely. These repressed aspects of ourselves are referred to as our “shadow selves”, and if we don’t “bring light” to the shadow - i.e. face the qualities we have that we have held back for so long - it can truly hold us back from reaching our full potential in life.

With that being said, shadow work encourages you to force yourself out of denial about certain aspects of yourself, accepting it, and working on unpacking and bettering those aspects without judgment from your ego. I personally struggled a lot in the beginning of my shadow work jOuRnEy because it was infinitely easier to think of myself as a victim of others doings, rather than a combination of other people’s actions and how my ego and shadow self chose to react… if that makes any sense. I used to hate doing shadow work, because I felt so ashamed and angry at myself for allowing my ego to be distorted by lies and other peoples’ projections for so long.

However, when these feelings arise and you feel like quitting - because WHY should healing be so f*cking painful - it’s actually a sign that you are headed in the right direction. Messed up, I know. But over time, you’ll become so used to sitting with your negative feelings towards yourself that they don’t even really phase you anymore, and you can admit that your shadow self and ego has caused you to form unhealthy habits and thinking patterns that can be detrimental to your mental health. Over time, you’ll develop a great sense of self awareness and self compassion, as well as great psychological, emotional and interpersonal maturity.

Trust me. Being able to admit and accept that you are flawed without being harsh on or hating yourself is a BIG flex, and makes you unf*ckwittable. I actually dare someone to come and drag me for something I haven’t already dragged and forgiven myself for, because I haven’t had a good laugh in a while.

So, the bottom line with shadow work isn’t to bring light to your flaws to feel like shit about yourself (although you definitely will). The point is to bring said flaws to the surface, understand where they stem from, consider why and how it has affected you, and becoming aware of your triggers. Setting time aside a certain time each week to do this work and understand yourself on a deeper level gives you power over your ego, shadow self and triggers, because doing the work helps you see and understand that they don’t really have power over you unless you let them.

In terms of format, I really just do whatever feels right when it’s shadow work o’clock. If I’ve had a particularly sh*tty week and can assign the blame to one of my shadow aspects, I literally just freestyle and write whatever comes to mind (my journal has SUFFERED this lockdown, honey). If nothing comes to mind, I like to make use of journal prompts that are designed to get you thinking and reflecting. I literally just get them online because I’m lazy, but here are some good ones to get you started:

- How judged do you feel on a daily basis? How much of said judgement is real and how much is imagined?

- What does it feel like to have your emotions belittled and downplayed?

- What has fear held you back from? Do you blame yourself or others?

- In what ways are you inauthentic?

As you can see, these prompts do not f*ck about. They’re going to get you in your feelings, make you feel weak and vulnerable and cry like a little b*tch, if you’re anything like me - not that there’s anything wrong with that! But the best part is that once you’ve finished writing, sat with all your negative emotions, accepted them and decided you are ready to move forward and heal, your triggers become less and less powerful - until the day comes when they’ve dissolved completely.

So, there you have it - three tools to help maximise your inner connection to your mental, physical, spiritual and overall wellbeing. As previously mentioned, there are tonnes more different journaling methods that can trigger a positive change in your mental health, and I definitely recommend looking into this and trying them out… wHeN yOu HaVe ThE tImE.

On that note, I want to reiterate that journaling shouldn’t be feeling like a time-consuming burden that you have to put a gun to your head to do every time - because brutally forcing yourself to do it is just going to make you feel sh*tty when you don’t/can’t/won’t follow through. It’s all about finding a time during the day, week or month (whatever frequency is best for you) that you set aside to really get in touch with and sit with your feelings. At the end of the day, it truly is a commitment that you make to yourself - and only you can decide how seriously you want to take this commitment. I will say this though - being inconsistent, procrastinating, skipping or making excuses to not do it only leads to distrust of the self. And If you can’t show up for yourself, how can you expect others to show up for you?

Check me out, leaving you all with food for thought and sh*t (and like I haven’t been ignoring the deadlines I’ve been setting for myself for weeks. Hypocrisy is and always will be my favourite pastime!). It’s giving Eckhart Tolle and I love it. The bottom line is that journaling can be a very powerful tool in your healing process, and it’s up to you to make it work for you.

Until next time!

Love,

Liv

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studycation · 5 years ago

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what i’ve learned thus far about life and school — from a current high school senior

there’s a huGE difference between “recognizing” and “understanding” study material

color coding notes: yes

don’t study in bed (i fall asleep every single time) & don’t study in a consistent spot. change it up every once in a while. i sat at the kitchen table instead of my desk for the first time in a year and i was so much more productive and focused.

reading the text again isn’t enough to study. writing out a few review notes makes all the difference, even if it’s just a few key words or a mind map.

sitting in the front/second row: life changing. it makes a huge difference because you’re forced to pay attention, remain engaged, and you’re less likely to get distracted.

also! try to pay attention in class! i know it can be hard sometimes, but there will be times where your teachers will recite information that will be on your test that isn’t on their slides, outlines, or handouts.

get a planner or some app to write things down. i used to be like ‘oh. i’ll remember this.’ new flash: never remembered. having a planner and being able to check off the tasks you completed is kinda fulfilling–not gonna lie. also writing on your hand is fine too! but anyway, moral of the story: write. it. down.

getting stuff done early feels SO good. as a procrastinator, this felt hard to believe. however, finishing early and studying ahead of time pays off—not just academically but mentally. when i finish early, my future self thanks my past self.

don’t make looking at social media before bed a habit. it’s not something worth staying up late doing, and you’ll regret it later. what ever you’re looking at, you can look at it tomorrow before school, during break, or after school—don’t lose sleep over something that you can do later and that isn’t necessary.

be realistic with yourself when you’re setting goals. when making your to-do lists, it shouldn’t be a laundry list. if you know you have a hard time getting up in the morning but you plan on waking up early to do work, plan for the time you’re going to lose to hitting the snooze button two times.

ways to save time in the morning: plan your outfit the night before or while you’re in the shower. brush your teeth while showering. pack your bag the night before.

having an ‘i get to’ rather than an ‘i have to’ mindset makes you so much more excited for and appreciative of life.

surround yourself with diverse perspectives. learn to empathize with people that do not look like you or think like you. let people challenge you! but also listen to what these people have to say…like r e a l l y listen. watch this video (it’s a little long (15min) but it’s definitely a w o w video)

you don’t always have to be right! i used to hate when people poked holes in my logic or proved me wrong, but now i openly welcome it. i took a step back and was like ‘i disklike coceited people’ and i’m acting totally conceited so this needs to change. embrace mistakes because they help you learn.

the way you perceive people to be is, more often than not, not the way they actually are. learn to drop first impressions and to upgrade your opinions as new information comes in.

once you accept your flaws and quirks, no one can use them against you.

on the other hand, if you have flaws that aren’t good for others or yourself that are fixable, you know they’re fixable, but you openly choose not to do anything about them—change that. be better than ignorant. you really owe it to yourself to be the best version that you can be.

bE KIND. see my post on ways you can do this! we need more kind people in this world. be one of them.

never feel guilty for doing the right thing.

i used to beat myself up over answering something incorrectly in class. my heart used to race when my teacher did roll call and i had to say ‘here.’ when we read aloud in class, i used to count the seats ahead of me so i could prepare for what i was going to read. USED TO. i’ve learned that the majority of people don’t notice the trivial things i do. i don’t even remember when other kids answer questions incorrectly so why would they remember when i did? being able to put myself in the shoes of how others think, has made me less afraid to live life and has allowed me to definitely participate more.

you don’t have to be who people expect you to be. you don’t have to follow stereotypes. be as authentically you as possible because you’re not living your life for others, you’re living life for you.

i cannot stress this enough: live in the moment. don’t wish your life away hoping for something better; life is too short for that. don’t treat this as a transitional phase. spend time with your friends and family. learn for the sake of learning. if you were to die today, could you say you’d die happy? volunteer more. sing in the shower as loud as you can. dance like nobody’s watching. do more of what makes you happy even if it might sometimes feel like a waste of time.

you aren’t necessarily accountable for your emotions, but you are accountable for your actions. you have the right to feel upset, but there’s no reason to take it out on others who want to help or had no part in making you upset.

creating a dream aesthetic/life board helps me stay motivated. i have a private pinterest board with sub-boards of doctors, motivational and inspirational quotes that keep me going, my dream room, etc. whenever i get distracted, i look at this board, and i am reminded that in order to achieve my goals i have to stay focused right now. i said before to live in the moment, and i’ve found that it’s not that hard to balance motivation for goals and living in the moment–it takes a little time but once you get the hang of it, life will be better.

#school advice #studyspo #advice #life advice #school tips #studyblr #studycation motivation #studycation school tips #studycation

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tepidcope · 4 years ago

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I cut myself for the first time today

I’ve wanted to do this for a long time now, but managed to convince myself that I had to wait until I found the perfect knife for the task. Had this mindset for a variety of reasons (not least of which is because of just how sexy knives are), but it only occurred to me today while spiraling pretty badly that I could just grab a razor. It was shockingly effortless, barely had to press in at all with a corner to make a kind-of-clean cut in my thigh. I don’t yet know how to accurately describe the feelings that followed, other than that they were predominantly intensely positive, and that they reminded me of how a friend described being on a concoction of euphoria-inducing drugs during a very tender and passionate night. There’s also a number of reasons as to why I’ve wanted to self harm in this way for so long, but they nearly all stem from the same source. My external circumstances are pretty great, definitely the best they’ve ever been. I’m constantly surrounded by loved ones, have a vibrant social life along with a high paying steady job and promising career. But I’m strangely disabled. My health has been deteriorating for several years now, to the point where I can’t perform a vast majority of tasks. I can only walk or stand for brief periods of time, I can’t sit in most positions, I can’t lay in most positions. I can’t cry too hard, or laugh too hard, or get too stressed, or really get “too carried away” expressing any emotion. I can’t enjoy most of my hobbies, old or new, I can’t communicate in the ways I want, I can’t interact in perfectly ordinary ways with people around me, ways that they all can. I can just manage to hold on to my current job, and I can still help in a minimal way with a small handful of errands, though if my health keeps getting worse then even this might change. The problems that appear in my body accumulate and get worse everytime I try to perform any of these ‘forbidden’ tasks, and it also becomes easier to trigger these problems after every occurrence, a vicious feedback loop. But I don’t know what’s causing all this, despite trying desperately to figure it out all this time. I can’t treat any of the health issues once an episode has started, and I can’t do anything to prevent an episode from starting either, except for avoiding all of the no-go activities. Neither I nor anyone I’ve talked to about this has even heard of a good portion of my symptoms, and online research yields consistent dead ends. I’ve simply had to sit here and put up with my circumstances, watching everyone around me make personal progress, work towards their goals, enjoy life. I’ve done what I can to help people around me, and I’m very happy that they get to have so many positive experiences! But because my body doesn’t let me do the same, it feels like I’m forced to sit on the sidelines, leading me to feel incredibly isolated. Despite this, I can’t talk about certain things concerning my condition to people I know, doubly so if they’re close to me. I can’t talk about most of my thoughts on the topic, I can’t talk about actions I perform to deal with it, like the one in the title. There’s no risk of me ending my life unless certain events happen, but that doesn’t stop the depression and suicidal ideation from getting worse. I don’t think I’m going to end up harming myself in any serious fashion, and I don’t really want to cut myself again, at least for some time. There’s a few reasons why I can’t talk to people I know about most of these thoughts, but one of them is that my friends and loved ones have no shortage of problems and worries weighing them down, making their own lives more difficult than they deserve. I don’t want to add my own worries to their lists, not unless I’m given reason to hope that things can improve for me in the near future. So I’ll post about my experiences anonymously. I’m not really looking for engagement, I just noticed that when I tried keeping a private journal, a lot of what was written I ended up forgetting about. I remember the experiences, but end up forgetting many of the thoughts and reactions I had to them. For some reason I don’t like that. Giving myself the peace of mind to allow for the once in a blue moon chance for feedback to trickle back to me reminds me that I had them, which I think can make them feel more real, and might make it easier to form more salient memories about my personal journey. I already feel quite like a ghost, not yet dead but certainly not living. I don’t want my lived experiences to vanish as well. I’ll end my first post by mentioning there were a good number of firsts today. Many of them weren’t good, but I’ll talk about the one definitely good one.

As I struggle more and more to perform my daily tasks, I haven’t been able to figure out or implement solutions around them. My income is high and stable, but so is my student debt and general cost of living. I barely have any savings providing for myself and loved ones, let alone extra spending money to renovate this house to be disability friendly. If I can’t do a task anymore, I’ve had to just, stop performing it, and instead rely on the good will of people around me to help me out whenever they have the time and ability. One of the only confirmed diagnoses I have is pretty severe POTS, which is a part of why I can only walk or stand for very short amounts of time. I’ve been taking more baths instead of showers to compensate for this, though it makes washing and properly taking care of my hair much more difficult. Only last week did it click that I could sit in the shower in a chair as long as it was water resistant and could fit, and bought a cheap plastic IKEA chair. Placed it in the tub, sat in it in a few different configurations. And for the first time in so many years, I had a comfortable shower. The light-headedness, dizziness, racing and pounding heart, cloudy mind, all of it was gone and I was allowed to enjoy being in the shower again. The POTS seems to be rather independent of my other issues sadly, and I’ve had it for twice as many years as my other issues, if not longer. And for the first time, I reclaimed a part of my life that has been slipping away from me. For the first time today I self harmed with a razor, and for the first time in a long time today I got to enjoy taking a shower again.

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thathonleygirl · 4 years ago

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The Beginning

November 2019 – June 2020 Background

I decided to start this documentation of my journey into motorcycling for many reasons, mainly because I want to work on my writing skills and sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the mindless scrolling. I also think I’ll enjoy going back and reading this when I’m less of a rookie I’ll be recreating the timeline from the MSF course to the present from memory. I decided to dive into motorcycling as a hobby for myself, and also as a hobby for me to share with my boyfriend of 2+ years, Chris. Ultimately I can confidently say he inspired me to ride on my own and has been so supportive every step of the way.

November 2019 – MSF Class & getting my motorcycle endorsement I remember this weekend like it was yesterday. It was a freezing weekend and I’m out in the parking lot of RCCC bundled up from head to toe. I was happy it was cold because I was super nervous and excited, and heat stresses me out. There’s about 15 of us in the class, and right off the bat everyone is super friendly because we’re all here for the same thing – there was defiantly a wide range of skill levels and reasons for taking the class – but we’re all there for the same class. The two teachers of the class were AWESOME, and I’ll remember them for the rest of my riding career. They took us through the basics – controls, friction zone, etc. and soon we were riding through the first set of drills. My bike was a Kawasaki Eliminator from the 1800’s and it kept shutting off due to the cold weather. It also was impossible to find neutral, even the instructors couldn’t find it – I was just relieved that it wasn’t operator error. At the end of the 1st riding day they both told me they were impressed and proud of how I did – which meant so much to me considering I had never touched a clutch before, lol. The second day was a little rough, but still a success, mainly because I began to overthink every little thing because I knew there was going to be a test at the end of the day. This is when I first learned the importance of your headspace when on the bike, and how too much anxiety can be catastrophic. That being said, I still passed the class and got my endorsement the next week I really wish I had gotten the contact info for the people in the class, but the excitement of passing the class got the best of me.

March 2020 – Meeting Jolene I’d be lying if I said the process of bringing Jolene home was smooth, and the truth is I have a newfound hatred for dealerships and salespeople, LOL. But it was all well worth it. I went to Team Charlotte Motorsports with the intention of buying a Honda Rebel 500 in all black, but was disappointed when they didn’t have the right colors, and the bike just didn’t feel right when I first sat on one. But oh boy, when I first sat on Jolene I knew she was the one and I knew I had to have her. I’ve always been super laid back but when my mind is set on something, I get DETERMINED. After leaving the dealership because the price was too high, I began to obsess. After a week of negotiating and an extra fiery in-person negotiation, I finally got the price I wanted and Chris rode her home the next day. The whole process was rewarding in the sense of getting what I want and not backing down!

March-April 2020 – Attitude Adjustment I was off to a ROCKY start, and a few times I lost a lot of hope and had a lot of “WTF did I get myself into?!” moments in my first few loops around our neighborhood. My bike felt 100x heavier and harder to maneuver than my Eliminator, and my nerves were getting the best of me. I was scared to even let out the clutch at first. But after a few times stalling, I was doing loops in first gear around the neighborhood. On the third round of neighborhood loops, I was having a moment overthinking a left turn from a stop sign, and dropped the bike after it stalled and jerked in the middle of the turn. It was a devastating moment because my immediate reaction was that I just ruined my brand new bike in less than 100 miles, and the salt in the wound was the fact that I couldn’t pick the bike up. Luckily, a good Samaritan neighbor was close by with help, and the bike was totally fine (just wasn’t in neutral so it wouldn’t start). Not even a scratch, I’m a lucky girl. I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and hopeless but that was getting me nowhere. In that moment, I realized one theme in all my “practice” – I was scared of my bike, and was not taking control over her like I should be. I began to try and change my mindset, and just love the fuck out of her like she was my best friend. It’s crazy how much your mental state affects performance, especially on a motorcycle. As my attitude shifted, so did my confidence and success. After endless neighborhood loops and sideways stares from the neighbors, I finally made it out on the road (just down the street to the nearest park, but out of the neighborhood nevertheless! That was a game changing feeling for me. That is what it’s all about.

April 2020 – Real Deal At this point, im still having pretty intense nerves before every ride, but I have made it out of Edison Square (finally). The first ride ALL THE WAY out of the neighborhood was me following Chris who was driving his truck, leading me on what would become my trusty loop. We wanted to take some pictures for Instagram, which I’ve been trying to grow since I got Jolene. The biker community on social media is AWESOME, it’s incredible how many other riders around the world I’ve gotten to share experiences with and learn from, most importantly being able to “meet” other girl riders. Anyways, during that first mini trip following chris I finally made it into 5th gear and got into some twistys, I was smiling so hard in my helmet the whole time. I feel so close to my bike now and with every ride I feel more in tune, and less intimidated by her. I almost feel like she’s a horse or something, lol. We stopped to take some pictures in front of some office building which was empty because Covid – I felt so uncomfortable taking pictures but Chris was such a good sport in trying to get the best angles LOL. The whole Instagram thing has defiantly taken me out of my comfort zone – but so has riding as a whole – and I never want to go back. After this trip, I started going out on the same trip as much as I could, but still was having intense pre-ride jitters – but with every ride, I felt less anxiety and I could actually enjoy and have fun while still learning and practicing the basics. The post-ride bliss, however, was always an amazing feeling and I noticed that on the days I did get out to ride, I felt more at ease and generally better for the rest of the day. Meanwhile, we are still waiting on chris’s bike to be done getting worked on.

May 2020 – First Group Ride We finally got chris’ bike back after SUCH a long time. It’s crazy how much I worry when he’s riding his bike with me driving the car; but I don’t worry at all about myself when I’m riding lol. Side note – I’m such a lucky girl to have chris and he amazes me on a daily basis. I love how he set up the group ride, knew the route we were going to ride and also planned out how we would meet up with our two friends along the way. Before this ride, I finally just felt excited for the ride, and less nerves in the pit of my stomach. I found myself agonizing over which placement in the lineup I wanted to ride in, weighing out the pros and cons of each – I had to keep reminding myself that I don’t know shit, there’s no point in worrying, and just to trust chris (that option hasn’t let me down yet!) Side rant – im realizing as I ride more and more miles that most of my fears have been irrational. It starts with me conjuring up a situation that I feel would be dicey on a motorcycle, then I obsess over all the possible negative outcomes in those situations, and then I obsess over when I will come across them in my journey. So far – I have not been right a single time. For example – left turn at a yellow blinking light – I wanted to actually reroute my ride to avoid this, but when I was forced to do it, I rode through it with NO issues. It’s crazy what a whirlwind our minds can conjure up with little to no reason or backup to support our fears. Long story short, I need to get over myself and go with the flow, and take each learning experience as just that. Again, chris’s patience is remarkable. Back to the group ride – it was awesome. I was again, smiling so hard in my helmet as chris and I chatted through the turns, as he’s telling me how proud he is of me and just having all the good feelings along the way. So glad we went with the Cardo systems, I can’t imagine the ride without them. We rode over 100 miles through the country around Midland and hit a bunch of turns. I got to practice things I don’t necessarily enjoy, like stoplights, a LOT which was great. I still need to work on speeding up my starts especially turning starts. Getting home from the ride was a great feeling, it’s such a high – the post ride bliss. We got to head to the beach right after for a long weekend, which was much needed. We came home from the beach and chris surprised me with a longboard, which I had been talking a lot about wanting lately. Words just aren’t enough to describe how grateful I am to call him mine.

May 26th 2020 – 2nd Group Ride It’s been raining for the past two weeks, pretty much ever since we picked Chris’s bike up from the shop. Side note – Chris and I are doing a watermelon cleanse from Tuesday through Friday, and we were at the end of day 1 at this point. I didn’t realize how much of a toll the fast had taken on me until I started riding, I was overthinking every move I made and just felt unstable overall. Everything just felt harder, and it was such a reminder of how much your mental state affects your riding. Overall the ride was great and I’m so glad we got out and rode though, the country roads were beautiful and the temperature was just perfect at around 70. I guess I need to focus on the positives here – that the ride was beautiful, we didn’t get caught in the rain and I got to experience new roads. And of course got some great pics. I’ve officially become that girl who takes pictures in the parking lot for Instagram, but I really don’t care because it’s been fun building my social media presence.

May 31st 2020 – 300 milestone Well, I finally did it – I hit 300 miles on the bike, the halfway mark to my first 600 mile service, lol. Last night’s ride was absolutely perfect, I couldn’t have asked for better weather (mid 70’s, not humid at all) and feeling the crisp air as I was passing my previous top speed at 60+ mph was an unmatchable feeling. Every time I have a ride like this, I always think to myself, “This is what it’s all about.” My headspace was at a great spot and I felt confident and smooth throughout the ride. My starts were quicker and more fluent, my turns were smooth and I had less anxiety and anxious thoughts about shifting gears and going through the motions of riding in general. It’s crazy what a few days of healthy food and relaxing will do to your mind – this ride compared to the last entry was like night and day. We took the bikes to Mac’s Speed Shop for dinner – I was excited to ride my own bike there. Once we pulled up and Chris quickly whipped around to back his bike into his spot, I was reminded of my severe performance anxiety yet again, lol. I really need to get over the thought of people watching me and get over myself, people are going to watch what’s right in front of them, and a girl on a bike is sort of a rare occurrence. I feel like when people watch me, specifically men, they are just waiting for me to mess up because how could a girl like me be on her own bike? In reality, I’m sure they are barely even thinking about me at all, LOL. That brings me to something I really need to work on in general. I get really anxious when people watch me and I really need to make a conscious effort to work on getting over that. People are not worried about me – I know this – but rational thoughts get tossed out the window when I’m placed in front of a crowd. This trait of mine exists in every avenue of life – whether it is work, play, whatever; and I need to take time to grow out of this. I think it will help me have less social anxiety and will probably help my confidence which will have residual effects like an improved posture and overall sense of stability. I just wonder if this is a habit that can just naturally be broken with practice/repetition or is this something that requires more attention and effort to fix. Wow – such a rabbit hole, lol, but I doubt anyone will even read this. Back to the ride – I have absolutely loved the feeling of making it home from a successful ride, or “post – ride bliss.” Chilling on the couch with my honey after a perfect ride (for both of us) is my ideal Sunday evening. Chris’s longboard finally came in so we were able to skate over and get ice cream before we called it a night. I just love our life together and think that we truly have the perfect relationship that is a mixture of best friends and lovers that just keeps getting stronger and better with time. I am so happy. With our economy tanking due to a virus in our country that’s being burnt down all around us, he is my peace. To work on –faster upshifting –downshift through EACH gear when approaching a stop (stop banging down all the gears without releasing the clutch in between) –get over performance anxiety –work on maneuvering the bike when off (in and out of parking spots, getting gas, backing out of garage, etc) –ride the bike into the garage myself! I’m so blessed to have Chris to help, teach and support me on this journey. He reminds me I don’t need to be able to do everything immediately but still pushes me to learn and become a better biker when he knows I’m capable of doing something.

June 11 – Making Progress Two big milestones this week. The first is installing my mini floorboards, the second being my skills improving on the bike. Last night Chris and I rode to Gamestop to pick up a Tony Hawk game, and I was nervous for the ride beforehand given the newness of my floorboards along with the general nerves I get before a ride. The ride ended up being AWESOME. I made sure to pay attention and downshift completely through each gear when coming to a stop, and I was able to do it successfully most of the time, lol. Also had way faster starts, and beat Chris out of the stop lights a few times. The feeling of just riding with no traffic or light in sight is unmatchable, especially in 5th gear when it feels like nothing can hold Jolene back. During these stretches of the ride, my thoughts are always revolving around THIS being what it’s all about, THIS is riding, and this is freedom. It’s an unmatchable feeling. I also felt good when we pulled into eastfield for dinner because I was able to smoothly maneuver around the parking lot that was semi-full without issue. Also I didn’t need help when leaving the parking spot outside of gamestop. taking rides after work used to be kind of a fear of mine, and I was usually reluctant to take them in fear that I would be too braindead after a full workday. The ride last night, however, proved this fear wrong. I think no matter the time of day, day of the week, temperature, WHATEVER it may be, it’s all about your headspace and that is the greatest determinant for the outcome of the ride. I’m glad that I’m starting to feel less and less anxiety prepping for and starting out on each ride, the stomach aches and general feelings of fear are melting away with every mile in the seat. Soon I’ll be scheduling my 600 mile service To work on be more gentle when downshifting, especially to first. Stop stomping on the poor shifter ride the bike into the garage myself keep improving engine breaking/downshifting completely through each gear to 2nd or 1st

June 13 – Passing 500 on my first real trip So many milestones (literally) passed this weekend! 1 – passed the 500 mile mark & 2 – first 100+ mile trip! Minus one close-call, the whole trip/day was amazing with my love. We first headed out to Asheboro Harley Davidson dealership, stopping at a couple gas stations along the way. I passed my previous top speed and managed to hit 65+ mph, and I don’t know if that was Jolene’s limit or if it was user-error. Aside from the wind feeling like it was going to blow me off of the bike, it felt exhilarating to ride fast on the open highway. After we left the second gas station, I was following Chris (a little too closely) and the left turn we were supposed to take snuck up on us so I locked up my brakes and skidded (loudly) down the street, fishtailing straight down the street, missing the turn. Mid-way through the skid, the only thought running through my head was “fuck, we’re going down.” Somehow either my reflexes or my guardian angel, or a combination of the two, were looking out for me and Jolene stayed upright. Somehow I knew to kind of let go of the breaks and handlebars and let the bike do its thing, and sure enough I was able to straighten out and stay upright. It was a sobering experience for sure, and it took a little while to gain my confidence back for the rest of the ride. Chris is a patient angel though. We made it to the Asheboro Harley dealership to pick up our poker chips and chill for a little bit, and we were surprised to see it was crowded. It’s such a nice dealership though, they had a food truck serving Greek food, free beer on tap and the MSF course happening in the parking lot that we could watch while eating our lunch. Chris and I talked about how we always feel like outcasts from the “Harley crowd” but the people we talked to were nice. It started getting late so we headed out to the next stop, the Moonset general store near Uwharrie and Badin Lake. The rest of the ride was uneventful, and Chris and quickly became exhausted lol. I kept wondering to myself if I would always feel this tired from riding. It’s just such a mental thing that takes your full attention and effort at all times, and being hyper-aware of your surroundings at all times. There’s also the physical side of riding that involves every extremity in unison just to work the bike controls. I think that’s what makes coming home from a trip feel so rewarding. Once we made it home, we got burgers at Eastfield and called it a night after we both fell asleep on the couch lol. We took a short ride to pinky’s after detailing the bikes on Sunday and that was also a great ride. Short and sweet.

June 23 – Ready for 1st Service The more experience and riding I’ve gotten, the less I feel the need to write and blog which is a good thing more time spent actually riding. Passed the 600 mile mark and trying to schedule my service appointment this week after I install my new Vance and Hines pipes on Wednesday, so pumped for the new sound and look. I’m feeling so much more comfortable now riding, still have a few things I want to work on but when I think about the first few times I took Jolene out and compare that to how I feel riding now, it’s almost like I’m a whole new person. The things that used to scare me to death are things I can do without thinking twice now. I’m learning that the faster I go, the more comfortable I feel, and that the fears I used to have are pretty irrational. Over the weekend Chris, his mom and I went on a ride through the country before it got too hot outside. It made me happy to see how happy Chris’s mom was after the ride. We talked about how great of a teacher he is and how supportive he is every step of the way. The next day, Chris, his brother and I went on a ride to Statesville Harley and got lunch at Grouchos (Chris chose for me because I always talk about how ive always wanted to eat there, hehe). It was a great ride, minus almost running over a snake haha. One other biker that was at Grouchos joined in with us for part of the ride home, then another biker on the road joined in too. It was cool to hold up the middle, lol. Chris said I did a good job. The sense of community in the biker world is something amazing and it makes me so excited for the future, and how many cool people I will meet along the way.

#girlswhoride

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freudsghost · 5 years ago

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I’m not sure how much personal stuff I want to share on this blog but venting about some stuff helps me process.

So in light of EB 224 I wanna share a bit about what it was like growing up in the south/bible-belt (Texas) and being who I am (a bisexual, Jewish woman) and my experience with Evangelical Christianity and CRU.

Forewarning: this is not a happy story. these are not glory days. it’s dark. trigger warnings for gas-lighting, manipulation, mental, physical, and emotional abuse, corrective/date rape and semi-forced/coerced marriage, dissociation, eating disorders, depression, anxiety and alcohol. Read at your own risk.

I grew up without much religious influence in my life, my dad wasn’t Jewish (he was agnostic) and my mom is Jewish but not overly concerned with religious beliefs. My grandparents were/are Jewish as well and were WAY more involved in religion, but having survived the holocaust were private about their culture/religion.

At 17 I was accepted on a full scholarship to Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. And if there’s one thing Lubbock is known for is being one of the most religious cities in Texas. Predominantly Evangelical Christian.

My first semester, I lived in the women’s architecture honors dorm and quickly made friends with most of the other girls, one in particular I became fast friends with and we studied for almost every test together and were studio partners for almost every project. I’m still friends with her almost 20 years later (its been rough and complicated) so, to protect our friendship and privacy I’ll just call her Mandy.

Mandy was from a small town up north and her father was an Evangelical pastor and her first priority when getting to uni was to find a bible study group. I was NOT in any way involved in that, because I had no interest in christianity. Some time during Spring semester she started leading her own bible study group and invited me to come with her. I knew she was possibly trying to convert me and I resisted. At 18 I wasn’t very good at confronting people on their motivations but I’ve since talked with her about this and we’ve moved passed it with minimal damage.

I was super focused on my school work and sports and she stopped bringing up the bible study. For a while...

That all changed when she brought a few male friends back to the dorms for a calculus study group before midterms. During the study session I really hit it off with one of the guys. He was a year ahead of me, super smart and I thought he was charming and cute. And it turns out he was the leader of Mandy’s bible study. I’ll call him Vick.

Mandy knew I had a bit of a crush on him and got me to finally come to her bible study, with promises she wasn’t trying to push her beliefs on me but just wanted me to get to know Vick.

She also said that their group was welcoming to people of other faiths and were open to other perspectives and wanted me to talk about being Jewish and The Torah. Which was weird, being put into a group where no one else was like me and I was the token Jewish person, having to represent everyone from a large diverse culture. I tried to explain I wasn’t the right person to do that but she insisted it would be fine because I was charismatic and outgoing.

I should also mention that at this point of my life I was extremely outgoing, I had been in many leadership roles and actively sought those things out. I was very comfortable in front of large crowds and at this point I still had the dream of being a musician.

Mandy knew this, and during her time visiting me over the summer asked me if I would be interested in joining the leadership team. I initially said no because I wasn’t at all interested in the religious aspect of their group, but thought that another leadership position would look good on my resume. So I reconsidered and talked with a couple of my long time friends who said I should go for it. It would put me on stage and I would possibly get to be musically creative. And of course I could always quit if I was uncomfortable.

And that’s how I, a bisexual Jewish woman, became the leader and emcee for the Texas Tech Branch of Campus Crusade for Christ, or TTUCRU.

During this time I had grown a lot closer with Vick. We talked on the phone all summer (yes this was before texting and iPhones) and when I returned for fall semester, we started to date. He was the perfect attentive boyfriend. He came across so charming and mature. He was romantic and sweet. Everything I had ever wanted in a partner. By the time my birthday came around in December we were pretty serious about our relationship. I knew he was the kind of man I could fall in love with.

He was also extremely helpful when I had the new pressure to write and coordinate large meetings for a group of people I knew I had VERY LITTLE in common with. I knew I was bisexual. I knew I was Jewish. But most people didn’t know that about me and there was a bit of an unspoken rule that I NOT mention any of those things. Vick suggested I not tell anyone, and it was easy enough to not say anything. I had a good christian boyfriend, everyone assumed I was a straight christian girl. But the whole time I felt like I was being shoved back into the closet not only when I led the group, but every time I was around CRU members. Which was 24/7. CRU became my only social outlet. It consumed most of my free time. It was stressful.

Other things in my life began to suffer, at this time I was still a collegiate athlete (track and field), and I was majoring in not only one or two but three majors and an unnecessary minor and had to maintain above a 3.8 to keep my scholarship. I was constantly stressed, I started having issues with anxiety and didn’t know how to cope. I had a large public position on campus, because TTUCRU was The Organization to Follow for many students. I had to coordinate with other student organizations and get involved with student politics. I felt a constant weight on my shoulders not only to be a star athlete and student but I had to look The Part.

This is where things get really dark.

(I should mention before I continue that I also had a traumatic childhood. It’s a long story but to sum it up, my mom bullied me into an early eating disorder. She treated me (and my father and brother) poorly and abused us all mentally and abused me and my brother physically. It’s left me with a lot of unprocessed trauma I wasn’t even aware of until I was an adult.)

It also left me as an easy target to be manipulated.

I’m not really sure how to explain how it happened and I’m not sure I ever will be, but after a few months I realized that I was a powerless bystander in my relationship with Vick. I felt like something was wrong and that I had no control over my own life. I couldn’t pinpoint anything, and if I mentioned this feeling to anyone I was usually dismissed as being stressed. Everyone loved Vick. He had been CRU’s Most Eligible Bachelor. I was constantly reminded this by other members, that I should count myself lucky to have a man like him, no matter what.

Looking back its because I know that he was manipulating me. He was charming and could talk his way into and out of things without anyone even knowing he was doing it. He talked me into things I would have not normally done at that time. Including how serious our relationship was. I felt like big parts of me were becoming less and less important, things that had once been very important to who I was as a person were becoming less and less visible. Like I was losing myself entirely. He used our relationship and his ties to religion and used our membership in CRU to manipulate me. By the time I turned 21 our relationship was nearly inseparable from our positions on the leadership team. He controlled what I said during meetings, he controlled my speeches and my prompts. He had offered to organize all our media and sound.

I remember wanting to leave, but I knew if I mentioned it to Vick he would leave me and my identity had been so entangled with him, our relationship and CRU I knew I couldn’t. I was convinced I would be nothing without him, without CRU. There were always subtle reminders of this from the culture of the organization. How women are property. None of my accomplishments were ever my own, everything I did was because of Vick or because I was ‘given the opportunity’ by a man. I was also constantly criticized for my appearance. What I should and shouldn’t wear. The size of my jeans. Comments from full time coordinators about how my ass looked too fat. I looked pale and my hair wasn’t right. Vick enforced this. He encouraged me to lose weight and eat less. My already negative body image issues developed into a really unhealthy mindset about eating. I was determined to not be the girl who “gained the freshman 15″. And every time someone “Wow you look so great!” it felt amazing so I just kept not eating.

Somehow a headstrong outspoken rebellious teenager who didn’t give two fucks about other people’s opinions had changed into a 21 year old whose identity was entirely based on the validation and judgement I got from standing on the stage in an auditorium filled with strangers and people I had very little in common with. But all that started to break down right before finals the spring semester of my junior year.

I had moved into a house off campus and I was home alone with Vick keeping me company and we had been horsing around, playing with my dog and out of nowhere he snapped at me and rage I had only seen turned on other people was suddenly focused entirely on me. I still don’t know what sparked his rage and it doesn’t matter. All I know is that he grabbed me and shoved me, picked me up and threw me on the hard concrete floor. After months of treatment and several x-rays and MRIs, I found out that I had two herniated discs that had resulted in nerve damage causing chronic pain, migraines and muscle damage.

I had to quit playing almost all sports after this injury because between disordered eating, weight loss and this new injury I was trying to recover from I couldn’t physically handle the rigorous training. I also got put on some heavy opiates to deal with the pain and doctors at the time had no problem giving me prescription after prescription for heavier and heavier pain killers. Pain killers like Oxy and Vicodin left me in a pretty vulnerable state to be taken advantage of in many ways. Over spring break that year I went on a couples vacation with Vick where we were going to spend one weekend together hiking and meet up with friends to go sightseeing and to an amusement park.

(this part is extremely hard for me to recall both because of being drugged and traumatic processing) The Saturday we spent alone ended with us going to get drinks at a martini bar that was recommended to us by a friend. I don’t remember having too many drinks or having anything beyond one drink at all. I had purposely not taken any pain medication because I knew it could be dangerous. I heavily suspect Vick drugged my drink. All I can recall fuzzy memories of being carried to his car, being carried and half dragged into our room, and Vick roughly taking my clothes off me and holding me down to sexually assault me. I remember being scared and confused. I remember asking him what he was doing. And I remember saying no.

He did this after years of insisting to me that he was waiting for marriage to have sex. He enforced his belief system on our relationship, no questions allowed. I remember waking up Sunday morning the day we were going to meet our friends and feeling sick, sicker than I’d ever felt before in my life. I remember wanting to hide and not see anyone ever again. I shoved myself into the tightest darkest corner in our washroom and cried before calling one of my friends we were meeting with later to prepare her for the conversation I knew I needed to have with her.

She didn’t believe me.

No one did.

I was shocked and humiliated. People’s reactions ranged from “Vick wouldn’t do that he’s an upstanding member of CRU” to “You were asking for it by (drinking)(being on drugs)(being a tease)(dressing like that)(you consented by just being his girlfriend)”

I confronted him about it and told him that I knew what he did. He didn’t even try to deny it. He said he had been drinking and couldn’t control himself. I was certain it would be the end of our relationship. But in the storm of all of this, the two full time coordinators (two older adult men in their 40s/50s) of CRU called me in for a meeting mid-semester. They sat me down for lunch and fired me because they heard the rumors that I had been having premarital sex with Vick and they couldn’t allow someone like me lead their organization. They then used my sexuality and religion they had previously been aware of against me. They called me a whore and a heathen and dismissed me.

I felt alone. I couldn’t turn to my family because they’ve never been supportive. My boyfriend had just done something unthinkable to me and I couldn’t trust him anymore and most of my friends thought I was a liar or a whore. Rumors started. I got the most judgmental amounts of hate I’ve ever had in my entire life from people who had previously been my friends.

(somehow in the midst of all of that I managed to keep my grades up and not fail or drop out lol)

My friends told me if what I said was true, if I had sex with Vick the only right thing to do was to stay with him. They cherry picked bible verse after bible verse, a book I didn’t even believe in, to prove that I was trash unless I was committed to him. That I had to be his wife (property) forever. And Vick refused to leave me. Seeing him made me sick but after refusing to leave over and over again I gave in when he begged for us to go to couples counselling.

(spoiler alert: going to a therapist your rapist has hand picked with them, isn’t a good solution)

The ‘therapist’ was not-shockingly associated with CRU and the church Vick attended. He made it very clear what my role should be and that even if what I said happened, it wasn’t real. It wasn’t rape. It couldn’t be and that I needed to ‘process what it meant to be a good wife’ so I would be a proper woman for Vick. He used words like immature and selfish to describe my emotional upset.

I remember leaving our second and final session crying and angry. I went home and felt even more alone. I felt pathetic. Vick kept trying to salvage our relationship but he ‘warned’ me that time was running out because he was leaving for an internship over the summer and we wouldn’t see each other.

I was right. I had the whole summer to focus on me and getting into graduate school. I was writing my undergraduate dissertation and finishing up important studio classes to graduate a semester early that fall. I remember having this feeling that I needed to run away and wasn’t sure why. But I didn’t use any of my time alone to process what had really happened. I kept denying it. I was filled with so much self hatred, guilt, and shame.

When Vick came back in the Fall he proposed to me and laid it out like an ultimatum. I either had to marry him or we had to break up. He knew how scrambled my brain was, and used everything he could against me. He promised me that I wouldn’t have anything if I said no. I wouldn’t have him, I would loose all my friends that I was lucky to still have and no one would respect or want me ever again. I was terrified and stressed and still on and off pain medication. I had no support system and no support from my family and no real friends.

I remember going home with the ring and bawling my eyes out. I had a full on panic attack and cried for hours. My mom told me to ‘control myself’ because I was overreacting. She loved Vick and told me what a lucky girl i was to have such a good and supporting man in my life. Told me that I was a stupid girl if I said no. So I said yes. We were engaged for over a year and a half. I kept putting off the wedding and I let him plan it all with my mother.

Vick insisted we take time to go thru CRU recommended engagement counseling and seminar after seminar. I forced me to pray with him constantly. He said I needed to ask for forgiveness for what I had done. He started getting more and more jealous and would accuse me of “mentally cheating” if i looked too long at anyone. He would corner me and force me to confess my “adulterous” feelings. I remember believing him during this time. That looking at anyone, strangers or friends, men or women, was horrible and that I was betraying him if I had any thoughts about anyone else. I felt like a shell of a person. I gave up control over most of my life. I had given up trying to end things and decided to make the best of the inevitable.

I knew I didn’t love him. I knew I wasn’t a christian. I knew I didn’t believe in any of it. And I knew I couldn’t love him after what he did. And I knew before we got married he wasn’t the kind of man who could love me back.

We got married on my birthday and I remember crying for hours beforehand. I insisted I was just nervous and stressed. The only person who ever asked if it was what I really wanted was my dad. An untimely question seconds before I was getting married. I never answered him. I wanted to say no. I should’ve said no. I wished I had listened to the gut feeling telling me to run.

That’s where I’m ending my story because the rest is a bit inconsequential to what I wanted to vent about. I left him after eight months of marriage. I had to reach out to friends finally, despite the guilt and shame. I still deal with a lot of internalized bullshit to this day because of him and the brainwashing (I don’t have a better term, sorry) I got from CRU and his church.

As an aside, I just want to say that this is MY story. These are MY feelings and no one else’s. I know ‘not all christians’-- I have friends and family who are christians. But I wanted to share this because I needed to. For personal reasons. And I know there are tons of other stories out there.

If anyone has any questions or wants to DM me just to talk, feel free! I probably won’t be posting public replies or asks about this though. It’s still kind of hard to talk about publicly. <3

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neetu-uplifts · 5 years ago

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Learning from Death

July hit my family like a storm. We experienced some highs and some major lows. We lost my Aunt in early July. She had been sick for a while, in and out of the hospital, but we were hopeful that she would recover. God however had other plans. Shortly after, my 105-year old Grandmother broke her pelvic bone and was hospitalized. Emotions were high as everyone prayed for her recovery - she is such a fighter (and thankfully returned home just yesterday). A few weeks later, we came together in strength and good spirits to celebrate a close family wedding. The wedding was the uplift our family needed but it didn’t last long. 10 days after the wedding, we lost my cousin. His death was completely unexpected and it shook us all to the core. He was young and had so much life to live. He was such a jolly, loving, hard working, honest and joy-filled member of our family. He had such a pure heart. It’s still so hard to believe that he’s actually gone. Nobody saw it coming. Hours before he left us, he was visiting with family members and chatting with neighbours - just being his lively, welcoming self. We are in a state of shock and dismay. His death came so suddenly, like waking up to an earthquake. It feels as though we are living in a mental blur, still trying to piece together what happened.

Throughout this emotionally difficult time, I’ve been reflecting on life and death, perhaps as part of my own personal grieving process. I keep asking myself what I can learn from the tragic losses my family has recently faced. The thing is that death is guaranteed to become a reality for every single one of us. No one is protected from death - neither young nor old. We are powerless against it. Yet, we tend to forget this truth, as we get caught up in the many “distractions” of life, spending our living days without that ticking clock in mind. I’m not saying we should live every waking moment in constant fear and anticipation of death. It’s not about fear of death but rather, acceptance. If we deeply accept and internalize that our time will come and we have no control over when that day will be, perhaps that will ignite and awaken us to use the time we’ve been given towards the absolute best possibilities. As I reflect on the many thoughts and emotions running through me over the past several weeks, I think about the raw learnings that I have. I hope you too will sincerely contemplate what these learnings mean for you and how you’re approaching your life. No one has it all figured out. We are all works in progress, taking it one day at a time. But the more we keep this stuff top of mind, the better our chances are of living life fully, without regrets.

We all have an expiry date

Just like a carton of milk, we all have an expiry date. Life is so short and temporary - this means 2 things:

1) Stop sweating the small stuff. Let things go. Don’t find reasons to complain about things that in the grand scheme don’t matter. Adopt a big picture mindset. When you find yourself getting upset about someone or something, try to pause, zoom out and ask yourself if this issue that is bothering you right now will even matter in a year, a month or a week from now. Chances are it won’t. Awareness of the ego mind (the thing that’s constantly on and causing all that noise in your head) and disidentifying from it will help with this. How? Because the things we stress about always stem from a place of ego. Ego being anything that isn’t your true self (you are an infinite soul - not a body/human). So anything that comes from a place of identification with or attachment to your body, the story of YOU or any material form = ego. When you find yourself getting upset ask who is upset - you (infinite soul) or that sensitive ego that constantly feels the need to protect/defend itself? Just smile, breathe, pause, surrender, laugh, accept, look for the silver lining - LET IT GO. Easier said than done, I know. But we need to keep working on this. Conquering the mind is the true purpose of life. But why should we care? Because the most tragic way to live (and then die) is lost in the confines of your ego-driven mind (negativity, drama, scarcity mindset, lost in materialism/attachments/superficial things, etc). If you operate from a place of higher consciousness (big picture mindset) with a perspective of oneness, abundance and connectedness with everyone around you, you align with the Universe, experiencing a state of bliss/joy/nirvana. In other words, the most beautiful life possible - peace of mind, inner contentment and joy - is within reach if you want it.

2) How you spend your time is super important. We all have an expiry date so that means our time is very limited and precious. Do you want to spend that time operating from a place of fear or a place of love? Something changes in us from childhood to adulthood. We put up our guards, parts of us harden into clay, we adopt the belief of “other-ness” and we all become extremely “busy”. How do we return to that child-like quality of being open, curious and loving towards one another? Think of a small child smiling at you with the most loving gaze. You used to be that child. What happened? Be kinder than is necessary. See the ONE in everyone. Bring love and positivity into every interaction, whether with a loved one or a complete stranger. How differently would you show up if every person you interact with today was going to die tomorrow? Seems morbid to think this way but it could be a reality, for them or for you. Don’t hold back on telling people you love them. Express it. Replace your ego with honesty. Much better to be overflowing with love and expression than pained with the regret of restrained and bottled emotions. Push thru the uncomfortableness. Think about the people in your life who you cannot imagine living without. Make an intentional decision to prioritize spending more quality time with them, especially your parents, siblings and grandparents. Everyone is too busy, pick up the phone, plan that potluck, take your Mom out for a nice meal or to see a movie, get the friends or fam together for a weekend getaway. Don’t wait for them to call or text you - take the initiative. Love only attracts love. Reach out and start a chain reaction. Just do it. You will not regret it. Again, you do not have infinite time. None of us do. At some point, time will be up.

Cherish your family

Growing up in a big, tight-knit, loving family has been one of my greatest joys in life. When I’m surrounded by my large and lively family, I feel like I’m home. This past month, I realized the power and strength of family to an extent I had not before experienced. The tragic losses we faced have reinforced our greatest blessing - each other. We are incredibly lucky to have a family that is so close and connected. Everyone has come together in such a loving way to give each other strength in these difficult times. Every obligation and priority was dropped to gather on a daily basis to spread love, run errands, make meals, grieve and reminisce, cry and laugh and instill faith and strength. We made sure that my cousin’s house was full of family, love and community - and we will continue to do that. I love that our idea of a low-key family dinner is 70 people (no joke) showing up to make a meal and eat together. My heart is so full just thinking about how much I love my family and how they have given me so many reasons to love deeper and to feel deeply loved throughout the past month. Perhaps that’s also why the loss of my Aunt and cousin has been so difficult for us because family truly is everything for us. Family is precious and you realize just how precious when you lose a family member. And family doesn’t have to be based on blood lines. Family is anyone who feels like home for you. Look out for one another. If you know someone is struggling, check in on them and remind them they are not alone. Hug and kiss your loved ones. Tell them you love them. Even if that’s not something you grew up doing, start doing it. Even if it’s awkward or “corny” or not “macho” just do it. No harm was ever created through more love and affection.

Remember who you really are

Beyond the flesh, the body, the hair and the story of you, exists a content, infinite and powerful energy - your soul. That is who you are. We forget this once we adopt a body and personality, among other attachments and identifications. This is a core spiritual belief of mine but witnessing the lifeless body of my cousin made it all come home for me. As I stared through heavy tears at his body, and touched his ice cold forehead, I realized it looked like him but the thing that made him HIM, the thing that gave him life, and enabled him to see, talk, hear, touch, walk, love and laugh - that thing was gone - it had left the body. That “thing” is the soul - the infinite, energetic life force that “turns on the lights” inside our flesh and bone-filled bodies. The love and attachment we have with a loved one’s personality and character and all their quirks and “isms” are all powered by the soul, not the body. It’s interesting how once someone dies, everyone begins to refer to them as “the body” rather than by name. Because the name/personality/identity is gone. The body dies but the soul never dies. And yet, ironically, while we’re alive, we’re so attached to and identified and obsessed with the body - both ours and others. Looking at a dead body makes you realize how misguided we are. It’s the soul we should be connecting with. That’s the truth of who we are, not the body. So, when someone dies, where does the soul go? It just flows from one body/form (vehicle) to another or becomes liberated in the omnipresent source of all life. Knowing this gives me some internal peace. May my Aunt and my cousin’s souls rest in love, light and peace.

Respect and take care of your body. Enjoy it. It’s the only one you have for the duration of your human journey. But don’t just get lost in the toning and adornment of the body. Go deeper. Look inside yourself and connect with that energy that allows you to actually be alive, literally makes you alive. I strongly recommend reading A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle and Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Wayne Dyer. These books have helped me connect more deeply with my soul. And it’s a commitment to stay connected because the world has many outward-driven distractions. Staying aware of the truth of ourselves will help us build a stronger and more loving relationship with ourselves and with others. And perhaps most importantly, it will give us a broader perspective on life and death, enabling us to develop acceptance (rather than fear) of our inevitable (unknown) expiry date.

In sum…..

Love deeper

Be kinder than is necessary

Live more fully - embrace adventure and spontaneity

Stop taking everything so seriously - stop taking yourself so seriously

Tell them you love them - push thru the hesitation

Intentionally make more time for family and friends

Open your heart to seeing the best in others - drop the judgment

See the ONE in everyone

Work hard with passion, enthusiasm and gratitude

Know your truth, connect with your soul - it will set you free

Knee2

#life #death #grieve #purpose #soul #love #family

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mallorytaylorblog · 6 years ago

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Be grateful - it’s not personal.

I want to offer you this post as a reminder. Some of you will already know, and to those who don’t I hope this gives you something important to consider.

I went on my daily walk today, and I often find a lot of inspiration whilst on my walk, and I thought about a situation that happened at work the other day. My assistant store manager and I work together 2 out of 7 days a week in a retail store and we usually will take a minute or two to regale each other with stories of the rude customers we encounter in the week just passed. Sometimes it’s nice to vent to someone who understands. Well, on Friday she told me of a customer who, after she had greeted her hello, retorted, “No need to talk to me today, I’m just browsing”. She implied there was a bit of attitude from the woman. “Great, this is the kind of day I can expect,” my ASM thought. I called her at about 1pm before I got to work that day and as she put me on hold I overheard her saying to another customer at the counter that she was the first kind person she had encountered all day! Oh boy. No doubt she’d have some stories to tell.

I can empathise because during my retail career I’ve met many people like the woman with the attitude; people that can just be flat out rude. Because of this and the conversations my ASM and I have been having about those people, I’ve more recently I’ve been working really hard on letting go of the impact these customers have on me and venting and gossiping less. As I listened to my ASM tell me about this customer I thought to myself how grateful I would have been in that moment had that have been me receiving the attitude.

If I’m honest I was in a great mood when she told me this story and I know had I been less than relaxed and received a customer like that first thing in the morning I probably wouldn’t have been feeling so grateful in the moment. I probably would have indulged and bitched a little about her too - a habit I’m picking myself up on more and more. And heaven knows I have absolutely engaged in bitter and petty responses to customers like that woman so many times before. But knowing how shitty those people have made me feel and knowing how much I didn’t want them to affect me any longer I undertook the task of realising that shit like that simply isn't personal.

I have cried over how mean customers have been to me before. I have laughed in customer’s faces over how incredulous I thought their attitudes toward me, a complete stranger, were. I have come home and told my partner passionately and resentfully how slighted I felt by that ‘rude bitch who ignored me then had the nerve to ask for help today’. And all the times I bitched about people who I perceived to have ‘slighted me’ left me feeling no better than I did in the moment I was slighted - I didn’t feel lighter, I didn’t feel happier or less stressed, and at the very least I had spread some of that contempt and negativity to another person. Not the best feeling, realising that.

As I listened to my ASM tell me the story of that rude customer, I explained to her why I would have been grateful had it been me. I told her, “that woman saved you from spending energy trying to greet her and make her feel welcome, energy that she didn’t want or appreciate, that you could spend on another person who would be more welcoming of it. She practiced crystal clear communication with you, allowing you to put your energy towards another task that needs to be done or towards helping someone who actually needs it. I’d be thankful for her giving me the opportunity to save my breath and get back to doing something I’m more interested in”. Sure the tone in which she spoke to my 2IC may not have been the most pleasant, but that lady could have been having an absolute shocker of a morning and didn’t have the energy or patience to be emotionally performative for the sake of a sales assistant she likely wouldn’t have even thought about at the end of her day. And my 2IC could have saved her energy getting upset over something that didn’t even really concern her and got on with doing the job she loves, unaffected by a stranger.

I appreciate that some days people just get to you more than others, and we don’t always show up to the world as our best selves. We as retail and hospitality staff are also emotionally performative to a degree every day we’re at work. We have to be nice, welcoming and placating, doing our best to bend over backwards for people we don’t know. And it can be exhaustive especially when we’re not in the best mindset - I saw a meme not long ago in which the author wrote about using all her allocated niceness at work then running out before she got home. I’ve felt that before. But I believe that “allocated niceness” is a limit we set upon ourselves that can easily be relieved by a practice of gratitude.

Finding reasons to be grateful for the people we perceive to have slighted us relieves us from the burden of resentment.

Practicing non-judgement goes hand in hand with this sentiment. When we judge people who slight us as being rude, an asshole, ignorant, childish, etc. we limit ourselves from seeing them as people who have their own worlds and bubbles they’re wrapped up in, just like we are wrapped up in our own. When we go shopping we don’t swan about the grocery aisles thinking about how our every action is personally directed at all the people around us, do we? No we don’t. So why is it when we feel slighted by a stranger we think it’s so personal? It’s not. At least rarely ever. When I feel utter disbelief that a person could be so rude bubble to the surface I’ve had to remind myself over and over again that hurt people, hurt people. People are dealing with things every day we may never know about. Strangers deserve even more our love and kindness, not our judgement. And we can choose our emotional response when we don’t get their best self.

Gratitude is a powerful practice and finding reasons to be thankful for those who have slighted us keep us from damaging ourselves with the weight of feelings like contempt, resentment, anger and even jealousy. Use the glass of water analogy - holding onto a full glass of water in an outstretched hand is fine in the short term, but the longer you hold it the heavier it becomes; the more tired and shaky your arm muscles become. Eventually it will feel like a 1 tonne weight, but if you put the glass down - if you let go of the feelings of contempt - you’re free of the burden. No one is forcing you to hold it. It only hurts you.

Try putting the glass down next time you find yourself getting angry that someone wasn’t nice to you. Let go of the judgement, offer them some kindness instead, and find ways to be grateful for the messages or feelings they’ve evoked in you. It takes practice and a lot of awareness to call it out in the moment, but you’ll be much happier if you can nail it more often than not.

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#gratitude #nonjudgement #practice gratitude #personal development #self development #the m word blog

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honeyhopeful · 6 years ago

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how to survive job hunting when it’s hard

I hope everyone is having a good January! So, I am a recent graduate and I have been looking for a job with very little luck for a few months now. And it’s really hard to see your friends succeed, going to school abroad, getting promotions, starting family and you’re the only one currently unemployed with very little goals in life.

It can feel like you’re trying to play catch-up with all the people in the world.

It’s very easy to slip into the mindset that you’re not good enough, you’ll never find a job you’ll like, you’ll never get your dream job, and that due to unproductivity you’re just a waste of space.

I’ve cycled through this emotions and I really want to help everyone who is going through a similiar thing. Here’s what I’ve learnt during this time.

Keep in mind, I am currently financially okay and maybe my advice is coming from a place of privilege and I get that. This is a mish-mash of what my therapist told me and what I have learnt through my unemployment.

Set up a schedule. My therapist told me as someone who suffers from BPD - having a schedule is important to give not only your life stability but also keep your emotions in check. What I do is spend a few hours a day looking at job sites and creating a list of potential jobs I’m interested in applying. Then I write up some cover letter drafts, have them proofread and then I send them. I have a cut-off time meaning that at around 6pm-7pm I stop what I’m doing (unless deadlines are stipulated) and I simply take the evening off. I also do not look for work during the weekends to give myself time to recharge. I spent all day, every day, refreshing job sites and ended up making myself stressed and put unneeded pressure on myself - that makes finding and committing to a job a lot harder. So, setting up a schedule and scheduling your breaks and time off really helps have some control over your life.

Don’t lose yourself to Job Hunting Don’t underestimate the power of play. When I stop looking for jobs at the end of the day, you need to do something to really re-charge yourself and make yourself happy. Whether that is catching up on feel-good shows or playing your favourite video game or else taking up a new hobby such as crafting, puzzles, listening to calming music - whatever it is - it’s important that you still maintain some form of enjoyment throughout job hunting. Often times I would feel guilty when I would be enjoying myself when I should be looking for work, but that robs me of the free-time and self-care I dedicate to myself only. Finding a job is important, but it’s not worth being miserable all the time. Make sure to schedule time with yourself and do things you like to do - whatever that may be.

If you’re someone that gets easily overwhelmed - limit yourself I stress quite easily when I’m looking for work as I still have fears about entering the work-force. So what I have done to help myself is put a cap on how many jobs I apply to during a day - I usually cap around 3-6 jobs per-day and leave the rest for another day. And as I mentioned, I do not do anything related to job-hunting during the weekends (unless of course there’s a deadline and the weekend is the only time I have).

Remind yourself that just because you’re unemployed now, it doesn’t mean you’re useless. While you may not be employed, you still have a lot of productive value and it’s okay to just exist without earning money. Remember that your worth is not tied to your productivity.

If you get rejected from your dream job - don’t get yourself down. I got rejected from a lot of jobs that I wanted and it crushed me. However, my mother told me that getting upset everytime you get rejected from a job is not the way to go about things. of course, feeling upset is normal of course, but you should always take a day to practice some self-care and simply just accept it wasn’t meant to be for now. lots of people get rejected, fired and even never hear back from companies they wanted to work for - it has nothing to do with you, your performance or your skills - it’s a numbers game and someday - it will be your turn.

Join online, free support groups to kill your time. I moderate an online support group and it’s a lovely way to get to know people in my situation and even just to get some attention and encouragement. Support don’t have to be online and if you can find some local support groups or even events to go to or even just chilling at a public library. Mainting contact with people in a similiar situation can really help boost your self-esteem. I usually hang out with my best friend, and even though we’re a long-distance friendship, we spend our time streaming tv shows together, playing video games and even encouraging each other to do better and wishing each other luck for future endeavours. Something I had to deal with when I graduated University and when I couldn’t find a job is a loss of my real-world support circle. Finding online friendships to hang out with, call and stream keeps me connected to people and just makes this time a little more bearable.

Remember to maintain a healthy sleep schedule, keep up with self-care, learn new things (take a new short course if you can, or practice a language in your free time, or learn coding!), talk to people and more importantly - remember that a lack of a job and goals doesn’t make you useless - it just means you’re taking a bit longer to find your place in the world and ya know, that’s okay. a lot of people are unemployed and you’re certainly not alone in the world. if you need re-assurance, I’m here. I hope this post helped some of you!

#work #job hunting #adulting #real world skills #job skills #self-care #mental health #positivity #positive vibes #employment #skills

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angstkillmonger · 7 years ago

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In the Rain (Chadwick Boseman)

Summary: Another one of Chadwick’s highschool friends is getting married and he’s getting tired of going stag all the time.

Warning/s: fluff, chadwick boseman

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Chadwick Boseman

A/N: chadwick rolling his eyes is my constant mood. also this is lowkey based off of @whotheeffisbucky’s fic Five Minutes More. read that one if you want a better, more well-written fics lmfao (taglist is open!!)

“Hell no. Not even if you paid me.”

“Oh, come on!”

You turned to Chadwick with a mocking look, only to revert your attention back to his fridge where you were desperately raiding for food. Chadwick rested his chin up against the palm of his hand that was perched on top of the marble counter of the kitchen, too tired to get up and actually make a meal for the both of you..

The wedding invitation looked like it was glaring at Chadwick beside his phone. It was made out of expensive cream paper and everything was handwritten in silver calligraphy. It made his eyes burn the longer he stared at it.

If that wasn’t enough, they added a small pop-up book containing the important things that happened during the 5 years of their relationship before they got engaged. Such unnecessary luxury made him sick to the stomach.

Chadwick wanted to go alone, again. For some reason, his highschool friends were simultaneously getting married in this particular year. It annoyed him how everybody keeps asking him why he went stag. It was as if his love life mattered more than his successes in life. He’s Black Panther, for god’s sake, but people prefer it if he has someone to bring to a goddamned wedding.

It shouldn’t make him insecure about it, but he was. And it’s killing him.

“Why do you even care if people are gonna make comments about you going stag? You’re like - you’re Black Panther, man!” you said, now turning to the cupboards. Despite your unfortunate height, you managed to grab a box of Frosted Flakes from the very back of the cupboard. You did a little victory dance that Chadwick has grown to love.

Then you shoved your hand into the box to grab a handful of the tasty treat and plummeted it into your mouth. Chadwick didn’t have the heart to tell you that one of them fell to the ground.

“Besides, you managed to survive a few weddings this year alone. Why are you asking for a date now?” you asked through a mouthful of Frosted Flakes.

Chadwick sighed, the thoughts in his mind getting a bit dark for him. “It’s stupid.”

“Everything you say is stupid to me regardless. So spill the tea, sis.” you retorted as you sat across him, shoving another handful of Frosted Flakes. Chadwick rolled his eyes at you and buried his face into his arms.

It was quiet for a whole minute and you got impatient. You lightly smacked Chadwick’s arm and he shot his head up. Chadwick sighed again when he saw your accusing look.

“Because they’ll keep asking why I don’t have a date, okay?”

You paused, pulling your head back in uncertainty.

“What?” you said in disbelief, putting down your Frosted Flakes-filled fist onto the counter. Chadwick looked ashamed that he even admitted this to you.

“Only about three people have talked to me about Black Panther. Three people. And the rest asked why I was drinking champagne alone and not slow dancing with somebody like we were at prom.” Chadwick put his hands to his face, looking and feeling absolutely stressed out about this. “It’s so stupid, but it gets on my nerves. I just want, like, if they were gonna ask me something, I want them to focus on what I’ve done, not on why I went alone to the reception.”

You pursed your lips and placed the Frosted Flakes box down onto the counter. Chadwick truly looked pissed about the same situation he’s been going through in every wedding he’s getting invited to. And you can’t just tell him to not attend the wedding, that’s just not gonna help him.

“Look, Chadwick, if they’re gonna pry on your love life, that’s completely fine. Cater to what they wanna hear. Tell them something honest or tell them something that’s filled with bullshit that they’re gonna think you’re being honest. Then find a way to steer the conversation into your accomplishments and make them realize that your level of success is not judged by your love life.”

Chadwick looked at you with glazed eyes and his mouth slightly parted in awe. You tend to give out the most honest, no-bullshit advice when he needed it. He wondered why you haven’t published a book about your amazing mindset.

“But fuck that piece of advice because I’m going with you.”

Chadwick shot his arms up in victory. “Yes!”

“On one condition,” you deadpanned.

“Anything!”

“You have to teach me how to improv because I can’t act to save myself.” You paused, chewing on the Frosted Flakes while thinking. “Actually two conditions, you have to let me get shitfaced drunk.”

Chadwick gestured to you for the Frosted Flakes box, and you handed it to him. “Don’t worry, we’re both gonna be drinking away our sorrows together at the open bar.” he jokingly reassured you as he shoved his hand into the box and ate a handful for himself.

Chadwick pulled up at the reception, looking up at the building. He feels like he has been in here before, like about 4 weddings ago. His train of thought was broken when you opened the passenger seat to get out of his car. He followed suit, walking to your side of the car.

“So,” you began, looking up at Chadwick. Chadwick looked back at you, and for some reason his stomach did a flip. You were dressed in a nude dress to match the cream motif of the wedding. You even made an effort with your hair to make it all look neat. You looked beautiful.

Chadwick realized he was staring at you for a long time, being quiet for almost a minute probably. Then he suddenly snorted, which made you snort back. You both laughed in the parking lot like idiots before Chadwick composed himself. You were still laughing, resting your head against Chadwick’s chest.

“Okay, uh,” he giggled, but he cleared his throat and pulled a serious face. “We - we’re gonna get in there and fool everybody with our love story.” he said and you nodded in agreement. You took one last look at each other and burst into giggles again before getting into the function hall.

The reception looked as extravagant as the invitation card. The humongous crystal chandelier in the middle of the room looked like it was never touched by a single speck of dust. The motif of the wedding, which was cream and silver, was exaggerated in every corner of the room. Nothing was left overlooked for this reception, from the decorations to the name settings.

“Ugh, this place reeks of luxury. I need a drink.” you grumbled and looped your arm around Chadwick’s. Chadwick obediently followed you to the open bar, the bartender nodding to your request of two flutes of champagne. You looked around to observe the reception further, and Chadwick’s heart did a somersault when he stared at you.

What is up with his chest beating so hard today?

You turned to grab the flute from the bar, sipping it to test the waters. Chadwick had to mentally restrain himself to keep himself from staring at you too much.

“This place is too big to house a small wedding. There were barely enough people in the pews back in the church.” you said. You looked at something - or someone - behind Chadwick and your smile suddenly grew wider.

“Hold on, I gotta say hi to a friend.” you told him, hopping off the bar stool and pressing a small kiss to his cheek.

Though he gave you a look before you left, he didn’t complain about it. He had to remind himself that you were acting to be his girlfriend, for his sake. He tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as he sipped on the champagne you ordered for the both of you.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Chadwick Boseman,” an all-too familiar voice called out to Chadwick from behind him and he almost let out an exasperated groan.

Without even having to turn around, he already knew it was the bride’s cousin, Devon. Devon was one of those kids back in highschool who had a smart mouth and liked to pick fights with teachers. He especially liked to pick fights with people who don’t want anything to do with him.

Forcing a grin as Devon sat on your seat, he accepted the high-five he offered and hugged him, wanting to gag at the smell of the expensive perfume he was wearing on his suit.

“Ah, man. I was expecting you to come alone, but Marie said you ticked plus one on the invite. Didn’t see you walk in with somebody, though.” he said, smirking. Chadwick fixed his blazer and cleared his throat. He wished you’d be back from talking with your friend.

“I’m not alone.” he said, taking a big gulp of the champagne. Devon gave him a sympathetic look. He was basically telling Chadwick that he didn’t believe him.

“Look, man, if you wanna bluff -”

“Hey, Chadwick.”

Chadwick felt his heart jump when he felt your hand against his. Your lips softly brushed against his cheek as you intertwined your hands together. Chadwick wished, in the back of his mind, that you weren’t acting. The improv skills felt so real he almost got fooled - otherwise he would’ve thought so much about the action.

He smiled back and placed a kiss against your forehead. “Hey, baby.” he cooed and glanced back to Devon, who was now sporting a vaguely surprised look on his face.

When your attention diverted to Devon, your personality completely changed, just like you practiced back at home. You smiled wide at Devon and stretched out your hand. “Hi, I’m Y/N, Chadwick’s girlfriend.” you introduced yourself with charm as you and Devon shook hands.

Devon was at a loss for words, and rightfully so. You were gorgeous and the world’s most iconic makeup artist; who wouldn’t feel extremely lucky to have you? Chadwick then reminded himself that you weren’t his actual girlfriend.

“You’re, like, on every cover of every beauty magazine I’ve seen.” Devon said, his eyes travelling on every inch of your skin, making Chadwick feel a little protective. You chuckled, humbled by Devon’s compliment and ignoring his predator and obviously disgusting gaze on you. “You’re exaggerating. I’m just a simple makeup artist.”

“An iconic one at that, darling.” Chadwick complimented you, and he was surprised by how genuine it sounded coming out of his mouth. He draped his arm around you like it was a natural thing he did with you. You laughed, and it sounded like the most beautiful sound Chadwick has ever heard. Like a song he’ll never get tired of hearing.

Devon was stunned for a moment. Then he turned to Chadwick, “You never mentioned her before.”

“Well, he was nervous. I mean, his presence could already stir something a tiny bit chaotic, and he also mentioned that the bride is a fan of mine. My presence here shouldn’t affect this special day. He even told me not to come, but I know how lonely he would feel watching the newlyweds. He gets real clingy.”

That was fast, Chadwick thought. Your improv classes with him paid off. You smiled up at him when he glared at you for saying that he gets clingy.

Devon is looking at the both of you with amusement. “You two should get married.” he said, and Chadwick almost choked on his champagne.

“We -”

“Oh, we’ll see about that.” you cut him off, holding his hand that was around your shoulder, subtly hiding his ring finger. You winked at Devon.

Almost immediately, Devon understood what you meant and gave you both a knowing look. He then said goodbye to Chadwick before standing up and disappearing to probably look for someone else to annoy. Chadwick felt himself visibly relax.

“Who was that?” you asked, gratefully taking back your seat. “Devon. He’s the bride’s cousin. He liked to bully me back in highschool because he knows I can’t compete with his supposed intellect.” Chadwick rolled his eyes at the memory of Devon tormenting him wherever he went.

“Well, I’m glad he doesn’t argue with you now. I would’ve put in a foot long into his mouth to shut him up.”

Chadwick smirked, trying not to laugh at the inappropriate joke. You both sat in mutual silence, both having trembling smiles on your faces before eventually giving up and burst out laughing.

The night went the same as all weddings do for Chadwick; speeches that went on for too long, so much champagne, and not enough wedding cake. You and Chadwick somehow managed to snag about half a dozen of slices without getting caught by anyone. You would both run to the farthest corner of the room and ate the cake while watching the party go on without the both of you in it, your minds blurry with the magical haze of the alcohol and frosting.

You played your role as his makeup artist girlfriend perfectly. You were confident in your talent and job, but also humble. You spoke with your chin up and with poise, entrancing the people towards you and making them fall for you without them even knowing.

And because of you, everybody began asking about his accomplishments: what he did in Black Panther, how the production was, what it meant to him. Everybody seemed to be satisfied now that you’re in the picture that they’ve got nothing else to comment on but his fame.

The whole night his arm was around your waist, your body close to him. He wished that you both went as a couple, not as an actor and his makeup artist making everybody jealous with their successes and fame. But it just doesn’t work that way. Fate has another lane Chadwick has to walk on, and it has one for you, too.

Time was slowly ticking towards early morning. Chadwick stood by the door frame of the girl’s bathroom slowly eating cake as you took your time fixing your makeup. Your hair was slowly coming apart, your dress a little crooked, and your heels were beside Chadwick’s feet.

As Chadwick shoved a spoonful of cake into his mouth, you emerged from the bathroom, looking fresh but still half-drunk from the champagne and wine. “I’m gonna regret coming here.” you muttered, struggling to get your feet into your heels. Chadwick motioned his plate of cake to you and you gladly took it out of his hands, immediately wolfing it down.

The ballroom was filled with people, the band that they hired playing some happy, upbeat song. The newlywed couple was nowhere to be found, but it didn’t matter. Chadwick turned to you with his hands into his pocket, watching you eat up the cake like it was your source of life.

“Where did the bride get this cake? It’s fucking delicious.” you moaned through a mouthful of frosting. Chadwick reached up his hand to your cheek and wiped away a speck of icing. “I’ll make sure to ask her where she got it.” he joked and you put up a thumbs-up at him, making him laugh.

The band switched to another song. It sounded suspiciously like a breakup song but it made Chadwick want to dance along to it.

He turned to you, a grin on his face. “Let’s dance?” Chadwick asked.

You turned to him with a confused look. “To a breakup song?” you asked, and he nodded. You giggled, but continued to eat away your cake. Chadwick grabbed the spoon and plate from your hands, earning a whine from you.

“Come on, the band’s still playing.” He grabbed your hand and you had no choice but to let him drag you into the middle of the ballroom.

The band was near the chorus of the song, so Chadwick put you to position. His hands are on your waist, and your hands were on his shoulders. “I gotta have to tell you; I’m in heels and I’m partially drunk, so don’t expect me to pull a Mambo No. 5 on you.” you warned him, and Chadwick laughed and nodded.

You swayed along to the slow song, unable to stop yourself from laughing to the lyrics of the song. “Oh, my god. This is such a depressing song to slow dance to.” you whispered to Chadwick. He dipped his head to hide his embarrassed grin. “Just ignore the lyrics and just dance.” he told you.

Your arms moved to wrap themselves around his neck, your eyes fixated on his. Your eyes flashed a strange image into Chadwick’s mind; you in a white dress, a long white veil behind you as you both slowly swayed along to your wedding song, your whispers echoing into his ears like the wind making a promise.

Chadwick lost himself for a moment. He had to blink multiple times to compose himself.

You smiled up at him and Chadwick felt his heart swell up and warmth travel to his cheeks. You were really beautiful, he thought, and not just because the media perceived you to be. The slow disco lights illuminated your face, your body. It illuminated you.

Chadwick was breathless.

“What do you have in your mind?” you asked him, voice barely below a whisper, afraid something might happen if you raised your voice. But he still heard you, your tone soothing him.

“About how everyone got fooled by us.” he replied, in the same tone as you.

You grinned, rolling your eyes. “You know how annoyed you would be when you get home from this party if I didn’t agree to be your fake girlfriend. And I don’t want you coming home annoyed.”

Chadwick chuckled, ducking his head back in embarrassment. He didn’t know why he was embarrassed. He suddenly felt so intimidated by you. You looked so beautiful and he felt so unworthy of dancing with someone like you. His heart was melting and pounding at the same. He doesn’t understand the emotion he’s feeling in his mind. He feels hazy.

“You know,” he started, breathing in and out. “If we weren’t acting, I would’ve done all these things with you.”

You looked up at him, your eyes glazed. “We were just acting.”

“You saved me from feeling horrible about myself from another wedding.” he gently said, “All the comments about me going alone was gone, and they finally payed attention to what I cared most about.

“So thank you, and I mean all the words I’ve told everyone about you. I mean every single one of them.”

You were the first one to jump into the kiss, and Chadwick was quick to kiss you back. He tightly closed his eyes, feeling fireworks go off behind his eyes. He cupped your face and pulled you closer to him, wanting more of your lips, wanting more of you.

But you had to pull away, panting but you licked your lips to taste the remnants of his. Chadwick let out a shuddering breath.

“You’re so beautiful.” he whispered.

“I - I don’t know what to say.” you stuttered. Chadwick bit his lip, then grabbed your hand, running towards the exit of the function hall. “Chadwick!” you yelped, but you were laughing. God, Chadwick wanted to hear more of that laugh.

“Chadwick, slow down! I can’t run in these heels -” Chadwick interrupted you by swooping his arm under your legs and carrying you bridal style. You let out a screech as he frantically ran out of the building.

When Chadwick pushed the glass door open, you were both immediately drenched. You gasped in horror; it was raining. “Chadwick!” you screeched.

But Chadwick had the hugest shit-eating grin on his face when he looked at you.

“Chadwick, it’s raining - get back inside!” you demanded, thrashing in his arms. He wouldn’t budge and twirled you both around, laughing boisterously while looking up at the rain. “Chadwick!” you demanded again, but he wasn’t listening to you. He looked so happy.

He finally let you down, but his arms remained around your waist, locking you into place. You were about scream out his name when he suddenly pulled you into a deep kiss, instantly melting you into his arms.

And there you both stayed in the rain, drenched but pathetically in love. Chadwick wouldn’t want to be in other place than to be with you.

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medical-caffeine · 6 years ago

Text

My Essentials to Surviving the Journey to Step 1/COMLEX

Disclaimer I have NOT yet gotten my step score, but this is just a list of things I found absolutely essential on my journey to taking step one. Keep in mind everyone is different, different things work for different people. Here’s what worked for me:

1. USMLE First Aid. Obviously. I had mine completely unbound and hole punched and I put it in a binder. I’m the type of person who needs to rewrite things while I study in order to fully understand them. So having it unbound allowed me to make my own notes and put them in the sections i needed them. I must say, as time went on I had to buy bigger and bigger binders and by the end it was a little overwhelming (and heavy to carry back and forth to school) but overall I’m happy with my decision to use it this way.

2. GIVE YOURSELF A DAY OFF. Every week of my dedicated study period I gave myself a day that I allowed myself to look at NOTHING medicine related. I used this day to reset my brain and get prepared for another week of powering through. For me this was every Sunday. I would make alllll my meals for the week so that I didn’t have to worry about it. I caught up on TV shows and allowed myself to not feel completely isolated from the world. I can’t stress enough how important I find this. All my friends at school who didn’t do this burnt out SO QUICKLY and noticed a HUGE difference once they gave themselves a day to relax.

3. Have a support system. Have a group of 2 or 3 people at school who support each other and allow you to vent about the uworld block you didn’t do well on, to celebrate the NBME you rocked or to just have meals with and take well deserved breaks throughout the day with. Honestly this was probably my saving grace. Me and my friend would pretty much alternate weeks of being stressed out and the other one would always assume the role of being positive and building the other person up. I was pleasantly surprised with how much support we all give each other around this time. Be supportive of other people. You can be the difference they need that day to push themselves further. Plus, I always find being nice to other people makes me feel better. Half the battle of these tests is the mindset you go in with and positivity was something I really used to my advantage. Which brings me to my next point

4. POSITIVITY. Look. I am in NO means a positive person. Ask anyone who knows me. But in the past year, I’ve learned the importance of a positive outlook in achieving your goals. Positivity doesn’t mean being unrealistic, it means being okay with outcomes that may not be what you wanted and being open to adapting to those outcome. If you dwell on a bad score, you will become that bad score. I guarantee it. Look yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself how amazing you are, how hard you are working, and that you are going to do great. I know, I know, it sounds so stupid. But honestly IT WORKS. I even put post-its around my house when it came down to crunch time so that if I was having any negative thoughts, it was an extra boost to remind me that I can do it. I set an alarm on my phone to go off every single day from before dedicated till now that said “you’re doing great and you’re going to do amazing on your boards”. At first it feels like empty words but you don’t even realize how much it is shaping your brain. On test day, if I felt like I was burning out, I would scribble a “you can do it!” on my scrap paper. It’s these little things that re-shape your brain to be confident in yourself.

5. Listen to your body. There are going to be some days you just feel more burnt out than others. On those days, listen to your body and call it a day early. Sometimes it is WAY more beneficial to have that time to reset your brain than to get frustrated and not even fully absorb the information you’re studying.

6. Exercise. Besides the millions of studies that showing exercise is good for your brain, I found it to be my saving grace stress reliever. Plus it’s good for you! Working out in the mornings would give me a clearer head throughout the day and having it to relieve my stress at night allowed me to sleep so much more soundly and wake up feeling refreshed. Plus sitting around all day isn’t the BEST thing for your body. Make sure you get up every few hours and walk around. I would take a lap around my campus at least 3 times every day. After all I’m an osteopath- mind body soul, my people.

7. Utilize your school staff. Whether thats a therapist, a mentor, academic specialist, the dean... whoever it may be, sometimes you just need to hear from someone higher up that you’re doing the right thing. AND before you decide to change a test day, make sure you consult with someone higher up. We doubt ourselves way more than we should and this could be our own worst enemy. I had a friend who changed his test day frantically after he took his FIRST practice test and now he’s doing amazing on them and still has to wait a whole month for his test day.

8. Don’t study at home. Now this might be a complete personal preference, but I really find it way less isolating if you are in a quiet room with people. Plus on test day, you’re going to be in a room surrounded by other people so you might as well get used to it now. Besides that, I like to use my apartment as my safe haven. When I’m home, it’s relaxation time. I feel like if I studied here at all times my lines would get blurred and I would just constantly be feeling like I should be studying. This allowed me to get good sleep at night and gave me something to look forward to after a long day of studying.

10. GET SLEEP. This one is easy. You can’t absorb anything if you’re sleep deprived.

11. Practice under testing conditions. I bought myself a laptop stand (for the duel purpose of also keeping my posture better and preventing headaches) and a mouse for my laptop so that I could simulate how I would be taking the test on test day. Honestly I really feel like this helped because I felt completely at ease at the testing center and it didn’t take me time to get used to using an old fashioned mouse again. I just hopped right in to it. (It also helps that the study room at my school LITERALLY looks like the test center rooms. Gray walls. gray cubicles.The slight resemblance of prison... anyway, I digress.)

12. Do not listen to anyone else. This is by far the hardest one. Don’t pay attention to how other people are doing on NBME’s. Don’t listen to other people talk about topics they’re geniuses on. and DON’T go on reddit after you get a bad practice test score. (Seriously this will just dig you in to a hole of despair). People tend only to talk about their achievements and not their weaknesses. Sure they know the glycolysis pathway backwards and forwards but maybe they know absolutely nothing else! Try your absolute hardest to have tunnel vision.

13. Let everyone know how it’s going to be. If you’re anything like me, this helped A LOT. About 2 months before my test, I let everyone outside of med school know I would be off the grid. This took so much pressure off of me because then everyone knew that I wasn’t trying to ditch on their birthday celebrations. I was forcing myself to study. (And if you have AMAZING friends like me, they’ll send you love and support while you’re hard at work and give you something great to look forward to after your test day!)

14. Plan your practice tests wisely. This is something I wish I knew before I started. All of my NBME’s and practice tests I would take on Saturday mornings after I studied for the entire week, looked at the computer screen for hours on ends and just read SO MANY question stems. I didn’t realize how burnt out I was on Saturday mornings until I took a practice exam on a Monday after having a Sunday off and ACED it. Although the practice tests are great study tools, the scores you get really do impact your mindset and your confidence level. So make sure when you take them you have ideal conditions to do your best.

15. The day before your test... take the day off. Give your eyes a rest. But keep busy and TRY to keep your nerves at bay. I made a little review sheet of things I know I wanted to remember on test day and glanced at it from time to time when I had those moments of panic that I should be studying SOMETHING. Make sure you know where your testing center is, take a drive to it. Exercise. Eat well. Hydrate. TRY and go to bed at a decent hour. Tell yourself how amazing you are. Breathe. It’s almost over. :)

#usmlestep1 #comlex #medblr #medical school #medicine #medical student #oms2 #ms2

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ohverthinker · 7 years ago

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Hey just wanted to ask. What are some of your tips on staying motivated? My exams r just around the corner and I can find 0 motivation to study.

Hey! I have exams around the corner too (sad high five), because of my anxiety I am usually quite motivated to study but I have major troubles focussing, here are some things I do to help:

Plan your day the night before:

This usually means (for me) filling in my bujo with a number of tasks that I need to complete with a side bar full of events that I must attend that day (appointments, lectures etc.)

On busy days, I use a daily plan template with schedule and trackers, I made two: one for unmotivated days and one for days I have low energy (i can share them if you like) but there are also loads of other templates you can find on Tumblr or you could even buy a planner, whatever is good for you (the aim is to keep it simple so if you’re feeling overwhelmed just write a list of tasks

I find that planning my day in the morning gives me an excuse to procrastinate until I’ve planned my day if that makes sense, whereas if I plan my day the night before I have no choice but to get stuck into all the tasks I have planned

Change your scene:

Sometimes I have to change my study location to maximize my focus and efficiency. I know this isn’t the same as motivation but some days studying in the library with loads of other students is motivating and other days it is just an excuse to chat with friends

This could mean studying in your bedroom, the library, a random empty room in your uni, the kitchen or even outside.

If I start procrastinating in one area I find changing my scene helps bring me back to work-mode

Change your mindset about revision:

This is definitely the hardest one (especially if it’s a subject you dislike), but arguably the best for motivating yourself. One of my best friends once told me she loves the revision period because it’s the one time she can review all the stuff she’s learnt and begin to understand the stuff she had no clue about at the beginning of the term.

Remind yourself why you enjoy the subject or if you don’t what improving in the subject will help you to achieve. Take pleasure in the learning process and thinking less about the outcome will make revision more interesting. Often what we are studying can seem boring or tedious when you are stressed but really helpful or cool if you can just appreciate all the information as knowledge

Changing this mindset will not only help you with this set of exams but every future set of exams you have, it can even make you more efficient if you begin to enjoy looking over and understanding your materials.

One way of helping you change your mindset is talking about the things you’ve learnt, with people who aren’t necessarily learning it too and presenting it as a cool fact/bit of information. (e.g. I remember in yr 13 (3 yrs ago) one of my friends told me that the reason we get so drowsy after we eat is because of vasodilation of vessels towards the stomach causing a reduced blood flow towards the brain)

Pre-pack your lunch (or meal prep):

This is a weird one but honestly stops me from getting distracted so well that I had to put it in here

If you go to university/school/the library to help focus better, you definitely want to pack a lunch to save money

Even if you’re staying at home packing a lunch (with snacks for breaks) or even just doing meal prep the night before helps you eat healthier and stops you from faffing around for 2+ hours at lunchtime

You can use the snacks you have as an incentive to get a certain amount of work done (i.e. once I finish this book chapter then I can have my donut)

Get up early:

Even if you like studying later in the day, by getting up early (between 6 and 8:30) you’ll be adjusting your sleep cycle so that if you have any morning exams you’ll be fresh and ready for them (no risk of oversleeping)

Even if you waste 2 hours in the morning you still have most of the day left to work, I usually waste a lot of time getting up and ready in the morning so this saves me a lot of time

You don’t get stuck in a cycle of getting up late and going to bed later. When I don't force myself to get up early every day I tend to get in a cycle where I go to bed at increasingly later times and using that as an excuse to wake up even later (which means I end up working late to ensure I get everything done and the cycle continues).

It gives you time to do all the things you want to do in the day (non-study related), even if you end up studying at 4 o'clock getting up early gives you the time to get all the other stuff done. For me, I always work out in the morning before breakfast, then I might do some chores and then shower, by the time I start working I have still left myself 6-7 hours of studying which can then be broken up to contain reasonable breaks

#Anonymous

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