#All of these just had me in stitches. 2017 WAS A CRAZY YEAR lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

eatmymakeup-blog · 6 years ago

Text

My Depression and Anxiety Story

I’ve been drafting this for so long and I don’t know if this will ever be finished. (Spoiler alert: It wont be finished) A post from my friend who’s struggling with her own depression is what pushed me to finally publish this.

I’m going to start with my own story.

I was (oh wait I still am) a fat kid. No one bullied me at school but I was always quiet and reserved. I wasn’t the studious type. When I get home from school I just open the TV or call my friends on our landline phone. I’d copy homework from my classmates in the morning. I also changed best friends every year until I met my forever best friends when I was in Grade 7. High School was the same, I still didn’t study. Thinking about it now, maybe even if I wasn’t bullied, I was quiet, shy and didn’t have the motivation to study because I was (oh shoot I still am) fat. I was my own bully.

After High School, I didn’t want to go to school anymore. I told my Mom that I wanted to rest for a year before I go to College. She was okay with it. I spent my 18th birthday in the States. When we got back to the Philippines, I learned that my Mom and Dad were fighting. I didn’t go to my best friend’s 18th birthday because of that. One of the reasons too was because I wasn’t in school. I was ashamed, I self-pitied, because everyone I know are talking about school and I don’t have anything to share. I was depressed but I didn’t know what to call what I was feeling yet.

When I got to College, I made a lot of friends. I pushed myself to talk to people and not be scared. I was a Dean’s lister. I fell in love and got my heart broken. My Mom and Dad got separated. I started smoking. 2008 was my first documented depression.

While writing, it looks like I didn’t have a good time. I didn’t, I had a great time! I met new people, learned from them because they’re very different from the people I knew from High School. They’re still my friends until now.

I graduated. I was supposed to be a Cum Laude, but my grades were a 0.01 short. I didn’t want to blame my parents separation, but sometimes I do. I always feel that they were the reason why I didn’t push harder, but in reality it was still myself. It’s still my own fault.

After graduation, I told my Mom that I wanted to rest for a year again. She didn’t agree to me this time. She said that I should start working at our family business. So I did. At first I didn’t care about anything in the office. My mom gives me work, I do it. But then I only go to work 1-2 times a week. Maybe after a year or two (I’m not really sure) my Mom decided to put me in the Accounting Department. That’s the time where I really struggled, I didn’t want that job. I still worked there and went to work every day just because I felt guilty about not doing anything on my first few years. I was still struggling because I didn’t like what I was doing. I would always be stressed out because of that.

A few more months, I was asked to help my sister-in-law with her job. So I was doing my job, and a quarter of hers. This made me more exhausted.

2017. I had no idea what happened. We went on a cruise for 7 days. I was supposed to be happy. It’s a free vacation! In the moment, I can tell that I was. But the times when we were back on the ship at night, all these thoughts of jumping off the ship intruding my mind. What would happen if I jump? I asked myself. I was irritated the whole time. I felt that my boyfriend and my Mom weren’t listening to whatever I say.

And then we came back home. I was so different than before. I was feeling down without any reason. Before that, I was a people pleaser, I loved helping other people and making them happy. I chat with my two friends every day, one I met online and one is my High School best friend. I told them on different days that I can’t chat with them anymore. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was feeling overwhelmed with my own sadness, and I can’t deal with theirs anymore. They understood.

I kept myself isolated. I don’t go out anymore. I don’t talk to my High School best friends even online. I reply to other people, only when I need to.

One time, my sister-in-law went to Europe for a month and that month I had to do all her work. So then I’m working two jobs for a month (probably more). The reason why I didn’t go full crazy was because my boyfriend was there to help me out. I’d joke about wanting to die. But in reality, I didn’t want to live anymore, I was just all work, then go home, then work then go home. We’d stay at the office until 1-2am. I didn’t even have the time to shave my legs or cut my nails. I was so exhausted. At that time, I thought that that’s going to be my life forever.

All through out the years I’ve documented my depression phase (on my other blogs). I’m can’t call myself clinically depressed, because I haven’t had the guts to go to therapy, and I’m also stubborn minded. I have this belief that the only one who can fix myself, is myself (more on this later). My depression was on and off. I’d get up then go back down again. I even developed social anxiety. I was anxious to meet new people. One time my Mom hired an intern and she let him inside my office. My boyfriend wasn’t there, and my Mom closed the door. I literally couldn’t breathe. I gathered all my courage to stand up and go outside so I can smoke.

There’s a social media site that starts with the letter P. I’d always rant there about my life and my depression and one person asked me if I have privacy at home. And that’s when I thought about it. I’m an introvert. I’m with my family and boyfriend every day from Mondays to Fridays and on the weekends I’m with my friends. My job bugs me. My room was a mess. I didn’t have time to myself. I’ve been trying to please other people but when did I ever please myself? I continued my isolation for over a year, I tried to focus on me. Only me.

It sounds so boring, but through that, I met myself.

On the first few months. I felt numb. I didn’t feel anything. Why can’t I feel? I didn’t give a fuck about anyone, I didn’t even give a fuck about myself. I didn’t clean, I was too lazy to get up, I was stress-eating.

But then I felt like I was at the end, I was so down that there was no where to go but up.

I love this quote from my favorite movie, Fight Club. “Marla’s Philosophy of life, she told me, is that she can die at any moment. The tragedy of her life is that she doesn’t.” It may sound a bit negative for some people. I’d always refer to that quote when I feel like I want to die. But this time, I reacted to it differently. I told myself, that I’m not scared to die anymore so I shouldn’t be afraid to live my life. To explore new things... or old things that I loved.

Music. I started listening to music. My love for music came back. I listened to Hip-hop again. I love all genres but listening to Hip-hop makes me have this attitude that makes me feel strong. When I listen to Hip-hop, in my brain I’m like “whatever, fuck you all”. Also, I’m exploring OPM. There’s a ton of good bands right now.

TV Series and movies. Netflix is life. By watching tv shows and movies, I learned a lot. I’ll make a blog series about what I learn in every show or movie I watch.

Buddhism. I’ve also gone through this path. I want to know how to have peace of mind. I’ve been studying Buddhism but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God anymore. I just love their main goal. Basically, their main teaching is to be kind. And wow, just wow. That’s all you need, right?

Astrology. The day of my birthday last year, my niece was here and she read my birth chart, it was scary accurate so I researched more about it and I’m slowly studying it at the moment. I also love it because I discovered more things about myself, that I know already but was just in the back of my head.

Hobbies. I asked myself a question, “What do I love doing?” I love arts and crafts and creating things, so I started buying materials for cross-stitching. I actually finished a piece last year. I haven’t framed it yet.

Do what you love, everything is an investment, you may not earn money but you’ll earn skills, discipline, etc.

Organizing. Tidying Up With Marie Kondo and Minimalism. This was just recent. I might make a separate post for this but this really helped me. Organizing made my life better but the lesson I learned from them will be with me forever. Tidying Up with Marie Kondo focuses on what sparks joy. You do it with things, but you can also apply it in your life. On the otherhand, Minimalism teaches us gratitude and contentment.

Self-discovery. I discovered (and still discovering) who I really am, who I want to be and what makes me happy. All of us are different, what makes me happy might not make you happy. Learn from yourself. Love yourself. Ask yourself what makes you happy. Ask yourself what makes you sad. Ask yourself what can you do to survive this. The only person who knows how to make you happy, is yourself. I still believe that we’re not meant to be 100% happy all the time, because if we’re happy all the time, what is the point of living? See, that’s what we think about when we’re sad too, because we think that we’re going to be sad forever. Because you can’t feel joy if you don’t experience sadness (lol Inside Out reference, watch it!) Just believe that there will always be better days. This post isn’t to give advice, I didn’t post this because I want you to do this or that. It will always be a personal journey. No one knows if this will be my last depressive phase, so this post is also for myself. A reminder, that I was once okay.

“Happiness in a meaningful life is really about the full array of emotions, and finding them in the right place” Embrace the sadness, embrace the happiness. Keep learning. Keep loving yourself.

Don’t be scared to share your story or reactions on my ask box. Let’s learn from each other. Let’s inspire each other.

PS. If you know who I am, please respect my privacy, I don’t want people to know who wrote this. :) I’d love to express my real self more, in the future.

#depression #depression story #anxiety #inspiring #inspiration #sadness #sad #happy #joy #personal #til

2 notes · View notes

letterstotheone-whomilovemost · 3 years ago

Text

8.12.21 (the end of it all)

This is what you said to me today. You told me that I was never anything to you, except a waste of time. Today, I found out that you are still dating the girl that you originally cheated on me with back in 2018/19. You’ve been with her since December of 2019, and never once did you guys break up. You were approaching two years with her. But somehow, you made me believe that you guys weren’t together. You were so secretive online. You did a damn good job of being sneaky. I always had this suspicion, but I never acted on it because i didn’t want to seem “crazy”. You had me drop you off at her house, literally last Tuesday (note: I literally went to the hospital and you ignored me all day after I dropped you off). You were THAT comfortable in your lies. Like, bro. How do you even comprehend that… that would be okay? We’ve been DATING since the fifth of June, and we’ve been talking back and forth since fucking APRIL. How do you even comprehend??? Do you? I’m literally in shock. I’ve been going through a rollercoaster of fucking emotions, because part of me goes “Well you should’ve known better, he did this to you before”. But this time… I’m LITERALLY on the other end of it. I was your SIDE PIECE? How fucking scuffed is that. I’ve always had that mentality, ignorance is bliss. And it got me SO far. haha. Until you ignored me for a week. Until you snapped at me for absolutely no reason. Until I kept asking if you fucked her. Then I realized something was definitely going on. It took me calling you TEN times for you to answer, tell me to fucking stop then hang up on me again. So i called you AGAIN, cause I FOUND OUT that you and her were together. You told me to fuck off. So I did. You proceeded to text me these hateful things, like it would help your case. I refused to say hateful things back to you, it does not good for anyone.

Then you told me this. You told me that the reason you couldn’t love me was because I found out you were cheating. Your manipulation and gaslighting hasn’t gone away, I see. I was just oblivious and gave you no real reason to show your true colours. I’m honestly not surprised. Seeing you act this way takes me back to 2019, and 2018, and 2017, and 2016. I remember why we broke up all of those times. Every time. And what’s funny is we didn’t even officially break up today. You kinda just told me to “be easy” and “u good tho”. Like what the fuck does that even mean? You got caught cheating— and it’s not even just me. But on your baby momma?? Y’all have been together this WHOLE time? And we’ve been steady talking for FOUR months????? Why the fuck did I keep putting up with this bullshit. I’m astounded. I’ve been putting up with this shit for far too long. I thought that because I had healed, and fixed my childhood traumas, and my wounds stitched up, I thought that because I did all of that self healing stuff and that long journey, that maybe you did too. It’s clear that I’m just oblivious, because wow. You really proved me wrong. This entire time of us being together, you’ve been fucking her? You’ve been kissing her? You’ve been sleeping next to her too? Wow. I’m astounded. I’m literally in shock. I mean, hey LOL I was in the hospital and on bed rest for a fucking week and it didn’t even PHASE you. I know why too! You had her right next to you so you felt NOTHING. You’re so lonely and I hate that for you. I tried my fucking hardest for you. I put up with how you treated me, I put up with the good and the bad. I dealt with your shitty attitude towards everything. I constantly brought you up. HOW MANY TIMES did I happy cry sitting next to you saying I wanted to spend the rest of my fucking life with you? You were right there with me! I was laying on your chest and you sat there and smiled at everything I said!!!! I don’t understand. My brain literally can’t understand it. I hate that you can’t see a good thing when it’s right in front of you. I did everything I could for you.

You weren’t all bad. You were a lot of good. The past week has just been… So shitty. I’m almost mad at myself for figuring it out, but it was doomed to happen, right? Maybe I shouldn’t have been nosy. Idk. I’m not going to pity party or anything, but damn dude. I really wish that you loved me like you claimed you did. You always told me you loved me so much, and I FELT that love when you were near me. The way you looked at me. How can you say you never loved me? How can you say that me putting two and two together is the reason you can never love me? Gaslighting doesn’t work on me anymore. I know that you don’t mean those things. You’re just lonely. I’m not going to excuse your behavior. You’re a cheater, you’ve always been a cheater. From your first girlfriend to your last, you’ve never been loyal to anyone. That’s fucked up. Just like I told you in text, if you constantly cheat on women, you’ll never be happy. You have to love yourself first before trying to seek that in other people.

I don’t think you’re a shitty person, like you always say you are. You just do really shitty stuff to people. Cheating is literally like in the top five shitty things you can do to someone, to me at least. I don’t quite understand you sometimes. Maybe that’s another reason I’ve always been entranced by you. You’re a mystery. I always wanted that validation from you, maybe you would choose to be loyal, maybe I could show you enough love that you wouldn’t seek it from others. I shouldn’t try to play bob the builder and try to fix you. Only you can correct your bad mannerisms. You’ll get there one day.

Just like you, I too have my demons. Looks like I’m going to have to work on my co-dependency again. Cheers to having therapy. This is a huge hurdle that I’ll have to get over.

I wonder how long it will take you for you to realize that this message never changed:

How long will it take for you, this time to realize that I’m not coming back? I have to break this vicious cycle. It’s a shame that you could never love me like I loved you. But I’ll heal just fine. I’ll be okay in the end. I’m going to grieve, I’m going to be sad, I’m going to experience pain. But, I’ll get over it all one day. That pain will always be there, just like death— it never truly goes away, it just gets a little less… sharp.

I love you so much and I always will. It’s a shame. I always cared more. One day you’ll realize. Maybe if I get married in 10 years, maybe I’ll be your “girl that got away”. I hope you have the time of your life raising your two babies with two different baby mommas that you cheated on both of them with. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. And I hope you realize one day that not everyone will deal with the shit i dealt with.

Not anymore.

I love you, J. I really do.

The End. [15:24 081221]

0 notes

luisneer · 7 years ago

Text

selected tweets 2016-17

These are tweets from my first @luisneer twitter account. Recently I made a new twitter account with the same username, after having deleted my account and having been without twitter for several months. These tweets are from August 2016 to March 2017, which was most of my first year of college at Shepherd University, in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. I don't go to Shepherd anymore; I transferred to West Virginia University, in Morgantown, WV, after my second semester. My tweets from late March 2017 to [July or August] 2017, when I deleted my twitter, were not archived.

I'm creating this blog post so the world will have access to some of my tweets from the deleted @luisneer, in case they have any merit as literature. I'm still not sure if I will continue to use twitter in 2018/the future. Usually when I use twitter I feel like I'm actually wanting to be doing something else, but I don't know what; or wanting to be using "another app" that doesn't exist. Twitter generally seems bad for me. Questions about my tweets August 2016-March 2017 can be directed at [email protected]. Thank you

2016

morgantown has ~48 vape shops

**morgantown has ~480 vape shops

siri has werner herzog-like inflections

considering changing outfits when i take several walks in one day (so nobody thinks im a serial killer, stalker, spy, alien)

think i remember ~5% of things i said today

imagined vague connection btwn 'vitamin d' and 'reptar'

felt distinctly that i was a monkey or chimpanzee while crouching in the corner of my dorm room eating peanuts out of a jar

just thought (as a request to my mom) 'fax me my skateboard...'

looked at toilet in bathroom stall with expression of 'utter terror' for what felt like ~15 seconds while it flushed

listening to bright eyes with headphones at house show

feel that the toothpaste i use is advancing decay of my teeth

feel 100% certain that i could train myself to use telepathy to operate my phone during classes

enjoying the sensation of my right leg 'falling asleep' during psychology class (left foot is also 'asleep')

felt 'sociopathic' after eye contact w library worker who watched me pick up & pocket a pair of apple headphones someone had left on a chair

left stolen apple headphones on gray bench across the street from my dorm

repeatedly placed/removed sunglasses while walking in hallway

strong desire to remove all positive patterns from my life and perpetuate/embrace all negative ones

feel that my laptop 'knows' which parts of its screen im looking at

in winchester, VA

thought of my own music as having 'no compelling audible elements'

thought of myself as being legally named 'the fuck up', then couldnt remember my actual name

successfully, i feel, duplicated 'sociopath facial expression' during eye contact with arch-nemesis in stairwell

ive taken 13800mg ibuprofen since i got to college

feel compelled to ask my 9 yr old brother for advice re 'college-level' personal issues

feel smart after sitting on couch in painting studio + reading art magazines for 2 hours

persistent notion that 100% of students at my college personally hate me

psychology professor muttered something like 'scary snake... endocrine system...'

feeling heavily drugged/sedated in psych class

psych professor seems obsessed with/terrified by snakes

imagined kanye smoking crystal meth and tweeting something like 'please help me... cant feel mouth... need help'

saw a moth at open mic, thought about god

experiencing difficulty trying to smile

enjoying using numerous cliches ('the case is closed', 'taking a step back', 'harsh realities') in an essay

intrigued by conversation i had 9 hrs ago w/ 2 boys who countered my tone (calm, eloquent) exactly by being loud and rude in a friendly way

felt simultaneously really cute and really lonely while giggling with my mouth closed in french class

imagined kanye inventing the word 'compactualize' and using it in a sentence during a televised interview

enjoyed 8-sentence john updike bio in norton lit anthology

perceived person standing outside bathroom stall occupied by me could 'sense', via something like echolocation, that i was/am depressed

spoke to french professor in what felt like a distinct persona/alternate luis neer called 'marge simpson voice' luis neer

feel confidently that the public debut of 'marge simpson voice' luis neer was a success

feel that 'marge simpson voice' luis neer is the culmination of an unconscious process that initiated in my mind maybe 3-5 years ago

i want to identify/analyze additional alternate luis neers

i dont like videos

i came to college and got weirder, better at writing, more arrogant, more defeated, more sensible

simultaneously feel that i should run 3 miles and that, at this moment, i would be incapable of running any distance

feel urged to draw new attention to my 'marge simpson voice' tweets

huge power outage at shepherd lol

realized theres no such thing as a 'nation'

remembered ive blown off obligations to several people, not just one person, so my irresponsibility doesnt 'have a focus', felt comforted

feel that my follower count is 'crystallized' / will never increase or decrease ever again

struggled to convert 'stick-and-poke' to past tense during conversation in line at sheetz

feel it would be pleasurable to take a donut + bottle of coca-cola from this sheetz via armed robbery

crossed busy road, felt really surprised i didnt get hit by a car, also i wasnt wearing glasses, was walking to sheetz, bought an icee

laughed alone in my dorm thinking that i should print out a picture of barack obama to put on my wall

drank from separate glasses containing soymilk, coffee, iced coffee, apple juice, cranberry juice, water, sprite for dinner/breakfas

just thought 'from adorno to zizek' sans context while shitting

opened gmail, emailed my father, closed gmail, opened gmail again, viewed email to my father, forwarded it to myself

'camcorder' would be a good band name

i thought arnold palmer had already died

willem dafoe doesnt make me uncomfortable

i want to stop being mean

i hate bfs but i want to be someones bf

wishing i was in a car with friends and no cellular service

tangled up in myself and others

twin peaks is depicted as a small town but its population is greater than that of every city in west virginia including the state capital

eating shark

thought of my own intelligence as 'frightening'

thought while walking to class that ginger ale should be made public domain

had the stitches on my chin removed today, touched the scar tissue for the first time

i miss being in therapy

i love carpet

i love carpet !!

just thought about my own tweets and lol'd

mood lately very fragile

this is what i get for staying up til 5 am

all night i've felt a wave of dread swelling up, now it's really hitting me

sound of laughter in public still frightening + unnerving

my instinct for when to unfriend people on facebook has adapted so that i unfriend people over statuses that make me feel no emotions at all

fuck, im feeling so much terror

gucci mane was born 3 days before conor oberst

the other day i mentioned that i was a poet and this vape guy interrupted me to say "and you didnt know it" and i went fucking nuclear

interacted with mailman who was picking up mail as i was trying to mail chapbooks, he didnt notice at first that i was talking to him

what if old people have secrets

my dad is making me root for a football team but im in pain emotionally

i feel guilty in general

thought of my poem "portrait of a nation without any people" as the "lead single" for my full length; it appeared in potluck 14 months ago

im close friends with satan rn

feel like travis scott never intended for people to spell his name with a $

from now on every time i get honey on something ill list the thing in this thread

finger

desk

coffee cup exterior

pajama pants

knee

carpet

chin

phone

shirt

shoe

thought that my elderly geography prof. moves by "shuffling"

feeling shorter, broader

the only part of the new bright eyes box set i want is the booklet

is there a booklet? i know there are nvr b4 sn photos

the song "lime tree" came to conor oberst in a dream

i like citing things in MLA

i write essays by pretending im werner herzog

doesnt seem to be getting later

lit professor gave my project (sequence of 6 sonnets) a C, i wish she would have gotten me expelled, shelley + ginsberg both were expelled

heard someone in another room ask "where's wal-mart?" as if wal-mart were a person whose location could change

i think i just swallowed a filling while eating popcorn, i am very scared, please help

crazy how things get worse

there are people on my floor having tons of fun and im upset

bit my mattress while sitting in the chair next to my bed

weird that chance the rapper only has 2.4 million followers when he's sort of one of the most famous artists in the world rn

also weird that donald trump has made 34,000 tweets, seems like an incredibly large number

the strangeness of yesterday was, for me, augmented by people on the internet talking about a tv show that ive never seen or heard about

the sunlight is obscene

im so upset about the sun being so bright im afraid to go outside

im glad im the only poet who likes trailer park boys

i slept in a blanket fort under my bed and havent left it all day

yr = your ur = you're

my favorite things are pdfs

now that ive adapted my living space to allow me to never leave my blanket fort i feel like my roommate, omar, exists in a parallel universe

i hear him but i never see him

i love latte art, i drink many lattes

thought that twitter "isn't worth it" in an upset tone while drinking mtn dew

felt pleasant considering uniqueness of all parent-offspring relationships

went through my closet + made sure all shirts and jackets were zipped/buttoned

my blanket is generating flashes of light from static electricity

record store guy became visibly sick of me several months ago; feel a little guilty every time i enter his store to spend money

i prefer EPs

felt "out of control" walking downhill listening to dead kennedys with headphones

writing an essay is difficult because idk how much relevant information other people have already considered / moved on from

have been wanting to write at least one poem inside my blanket fort but i don't think it's going to happen, i don't know why

the internet isn't big enough

usually when i think "i dont understand the uproar about [event]" i realize there is no "uproar"

"uproar" is media's way of manipulating the public spotlight and distracting people from important tasks

feeling helpless + melancholy after dying 15 times and killing 2 stormtroopers in star wars battlefront

the only way to attain conor oberst-level emo hair is to lay in bed and sob for hours

i'm sad

my mom was confused when i told her my first book comes out today

was luis neer in odd future

thought "sometimes i just want to end it and start all over" in an exasperated tone re my goodreads account

becoming increasingly convinced it would be best for me personally to take myself extremely seriously/never joke about myself

thinking that my tweets would seem terrible if i were a senator/governor/other politician

imagined doomsday device for future @starwars movies: the "death train," a normal train that exists in space and destroys planets

how does anyone do it

in science fiction movies, spacecraft usually look like shopping malls

everyone in the world is high except me

feel like i want to have poems published immediately

having delusions of grandeur

im sitting on my record player

my most-used word in 2016 was "bleak"

prepared and ate garbanzo beans w a lot of rosemart at 2:00 AM

my brother has a friend over and is being mean to the friend

all i want for christmas is to never cheer up, ever

watching eyes wide shut and hugging duckuc

my nose feels like it's going to bleed

im sad because every bf looks like me

getting better at eating ice cream by punching it with my tongue

the internet is too freaky...

i think 2017 will be a year of realizing things

im watching the angry birds movie

the angry birds movie is so shitty... why was it made...

ive never had a new years kiss

2017

im weird

eating medicinal ice cream

im not going to do any drugs in 2017

made a medicinal phone call

i want to drink some blood

i dreamed that roger ebert wrote a negative review of life after ppl and called it "liner notes"

years dont kill people

feel inexplicably/explicably really scared about the future of my poetry career

i've felt stoned since i was a baby

downloading google earth

made eye contact in starbucks with possible luis neer incarnation from ~50 years in future; bon jovi "dead or alive" played through speakers

realised that at some point in the future i will become extremely interested in watching football

i recommend reading poems extremely slowly while touching the text with your middle finger/index finger

experiencing cognitive dissonance

used phonetic clues to correctly predict meaning of & use the word "tandem" while discoursing with myself internally

i miss steel pedal guitar sounds on conor oberst songs

my previous incarnation "college luis neer" has evolved to become "high school luis neer-like luis neer in college setting"

thought "man, i got to stop caring what people think about me" in an emphatic tone that seemed confusing/interesting

mediocore

beyonce is cool i think

i want to re-read "v for vendetta" and to not tweet about it

remembered that i own a pinata

i will be at awp

how could i make twitter a better place

i saw 4 people wearing yeezys in dc this weekend

feeling increasingly self-conscious about how much i use the phrase "in the world" or refer to "the world" in poems

felt robot-like while attaching detachable headphones cord to my headphones while wearing the headphones

watching shepherd univ lacrosse team practice from "safety of" student center

i invented releasing two chapbooks in one day

im dumber than me

reasoned mentally that im more likely to produce accurate drawings of myself because "i basically look like a bird, so i just draw a bird"

i want to have a "fake tweet" (e.g. a simple phrase) to tweet repeatedly every time i feel urged to tweet an uninformed/unimportant opinion

my fake tweet for the foreseeable future will be "i dropped my textbook in the stairwell". when i tweet this it means i have an opinion

i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

does anyone remember the chapter of "the hobbit" where bilbo avoids starvation by ingesting peanut butter, honey, cherry nyquil, and water

sensed that all my college friends just simultaneously shifted from having vague/non-serious negative feelings about me to hating me

resulting from continuous building of irrepressible/inevitable conjecture in the friends' conscious thoughts

eating chicken and squash

i click on 100% of poetry links tweeted by poets i follow

when i was writing Waves i was obsessed with waves (e.g. energy waves, frequencies) and used the word "waves" at least ~10 times every day

i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

white nike swooshes on shoes of boy in library look vibrant/magical

terrified of being cool

walked to library really slowly while listening to noise music through big headphones

i was really, really yung when i started publishing and i'm still really yung

2 chainz always looks like he's walking in an airport

i have 5 twitters

i didnt know what bill paxton looked like, i was thinking RIP gene hackman

why doesnt anyone blog about me

thesis statements arent real

thinking about my book

i deleted both my tumblrs by accident

sad about my tumblr

my name is all over the internet

im a lizard

someday there'll be no more ppl

a lot of conor oberst song titles have parentheses

feeling sad about the actions of my clone, who passed away

idk how to use venmo or what it is

present-day tumblr is like the end of the never ending story where atreyu is talking with the rock biter and the nothing is swirling around

when someone, anyone, is upset with me im afraid im going to be assassinated

the views-era apple music ads that depict drake working hard in the studio have really affected and inspired me

on tumblr i have 4 followers

almost all of my tweets seem unimportant

feel that if someone told me that one of my tweets made them upset i would just apologize and delete it

ground control to commander venus

i like my new tumblr

i would be wearing a cardigan rn but i dont have one

feel that i will continue to generate bright eyes-related content throughout my life

is everything ok

i look like michael moore

#words

3 notes · View notes

antidotetogo · 8 years ago

Text

Let’s hear some positivity for 2016!

I was tagged by @montanabohemian! Thank you!

RULES: List 10 good things that happened in 2016 (could be about you, the world, your friend, ect. as long as it is positive things) and then tag 10 friends.

This is going to be hard but I’ll try lol

1) My sister got a new dog from the animal shelter I work with and his name is Hercules and even if he is only my nephew he is the fucking light of my life (besides my own cats of course) and he brings me so much joy because he is one of the best dogs I have ever known. And I will add a picture of him because I need to share this cutie with the world

2) I made so many new friends online and irl this year and it is honestly so wonderful to have people I am close to and supporting me, I never thought I would have such tight knit groups and people I can message at 2am no questions like this, I have so many close people right now (you know who you are) and I love you all so much!

3) Okay so like personal time but when Troye released Blue Neighborhood I realized I was bi, not like all in one big epiphany moment but the connection I had to his songs that are obviously about the coming out process and everything really solidified to me that I was definitely not straight so then this year I got to see him live with @hope-whispers and it was a life changing experience and I was so, so happy even after waiting in line for hours outside and buying the tickets last minute off someone on Twitter and all the mayhem of that but it was AMAZING

4) I finally moved out of the dorms at my school this year and into an apartment! It is so nice to not have any rules and to be able to have people over whenever and make my own food (dining hall food is the worst!) and it is just a simple joy. I especially love having my own space though, I am very proud of how I have decorated my bedroom and it is such a cozy space for me to simply exist in.

5) Although I didn’t have a crazy 21st birthday story or anything, being 21 is awesome. I am not illegally drinking anymore (yay for not violating the law) and it is nice to not be paranoid while having people over and all that. The last big milestone of growing up is done!

6) This year, I really got back into writing fanfiction after taking a couple years off. I wrote a fanfic in 2013/2014 that was mildly popular and then somehow fell off the platform but winter 2016 I really began to get back into it and this summer/fall I just exploded and am still going strong. Writing this much is so good for me and I can’t believe I did take as much time away from writing fic as I did. What I have been writing lately has received positive feedback too, I only have ever gotten hate once (thank god), and so it has really been a positive too in that regard.

7) I joined Sigma Tau Delta (an english honors professional fraternity) at my college this year (yo, hmu if you are in your school’s chapter because that would be the coolest!) and met a bunch of new people (kind of ties into #2 but whatever) and have the meetings to look forward to every week. Overall, it has really been a positive and it doesn’t hurt that it is a great resume booster lol

8) For the 2017/2018 school year I am moving again and this time into an apartment with @hope-whispers and I couldn’t be more excited! We signed the lease this fall which was a huge relief and living with Grace means I get to bring my cats to school! I know our apartment will be awesome and I have enjoyed talking wall decor cross stitches and furniture with Grace months in advance lol (pls lemme know when it starts to annoy you, I am just v excited)

9) In 2016 I finished all my school’s gen eds so now I am free to take creative writing classes left, right, and center. It is honestly a relief because some of the math courses and my Spanish courses killed my GPA. And being so fully immersed in writing can only help my future career so one day I can get something published!

10) This year, my family found a new place to camp that is absolutely amazing! It is along the Mississippi river in Illinois and the sunsets are beautiful and the atmosphere is amazing and whenever we go there I will write like 7k in a weekend and idk what it is about that place but I want to live there forever (dat me in the hammock on the right, I sat there for hours and hours writing When a Heart Knows Fear over the summer. Chapter two was basically only written along this stretch of Mississippi).

I am not going to tag anyone because I know this is really hard for people with what a crappy year 2016 was but I do want anyone who even thinks they maybe can think of ten things that were positives to try this, not matter how small or inconsequential they might seem!

#this was really hard #like i had to stop after six and really push to think of positive things #thats so sad tbh #about me

2 notes · View notes

s3mag · 6 years ago

Text

The CSF Evo X was never in the cards. Not even in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever build an Evo. Like most everyone else, I’ve been a fan of Evo’s for a long time. But I never really had the burning desire to own one myself… if that makes any sense. So to have one at all is a little crazy. And to have one built at this level – is totally nuts!

Here’s the backstory:

I was at GMG at the end of November in 2016… just after SEMA. I was dropping off my Porsche 996tt for it’s yearly maintenance. And being that I’m good friends with the guys who work over there, I was walking around the shop with the Allan Ward (the GM), looking at some of the cars stye had in house. In the back of the race car building, was this damaged Evo X roller sitting on top of rack. I was perplexed on why GMG, a motorsports and high-end Euro company, had this Evo X there in the first place, amongst a sea of Porsches, R8’s, McLarens, etc.

Turns out the car belonged to one of their customers, Barry Zigler (owner of Swisher Sweets). He had the desire to race an Evo X, so they obliged. He raced it in the Pirelli World Challenge… and crashed it at the Long Beach Grand Prix. They bought another shell straight from Mitsubishi Motorsports to build the car up again, but by that time, Barry had moved on & decided that he wanted to race something else.

Get Baited

So for 3 years – this car sat in the back of GMG, with about 3 warehouse-bins full or race car parts, OEM parts, and spares… all sitting there. They had recently cleaned it up a bit… hoping that somebody would notice it and get baited. Well it worked… because that someone was me! I made a deal with the owner, James Safronas, to take everything. That was more his deal, than mine lol. I couldn’t just take what I wanted… it was all or nothing, as James wanted everything to do with this car gone!

He Said $25k.

I said $20k.

I told him I needed to go to the PRI show & handle some business… and that I would think about it. I called my good friend, Alex from Sheepey Built, and told him the deal. He said it was a no-brainer at that price, and told me to go pick the thing up! He said that if I did, he’d help me build something “epic”. So I came home from PRI about 10 days later to pick up my Porsche, and the deal was done. We met in the middle at $22,500… for everything.

A crashed Pirelli World Challenge car with the cage already in it + high end race car parts + all the spares. Since I travel to Toronto quite often for work, Alex from Sheepey Built told me to go meet Marco from Magnus Motorsports. “Work your magic & get him to jump on board with this project and let’s get some of his components for this build”, he said.

So that’s how Marco got involved with the project haha. And it turns out – we’ve become good friends in the process.

SEMA

With the goal of presenting the car at SEMA 2017, I wanted to work with my SoCal industry friends. I needed to work with people I could trust to get the car done in time. People who understood not just the trends & high-quality work… but the real meat & bones of the aftermarket industry, its deadlines, and the importance of a trade show like SEMA. These companies, are regarded as the best in the business in their area of expertise: Rywire, LTMW, Sheepey Built, MotoIQ, ASC Speed Metal, etc.

My goal for this build was to showcase the sum of what the best companies from SoCal could make – working together. Every company focusing on their own area of expertise, and being handed a blank canvas to showcase their work.

Logistically, the project became super-challenging for everyone involved. It really pushed everyone to the max… especially with the SEMA deadline as a critical component. I think it’s been one of the most challenging projects all the partners have ever been involved with, especially since not many of us actually work with Evo’s on a regular basis. It was challenging no doubt. But it’s also an extraordinary adrenaline/energy rush that a lot of us in the industry thrive on.

In the end, I think it’s been such a rewarding experience, and we’ve strengthened our friendships over the build. That’s something that I’m very proud. The cars will come and go, whether they’re Evos, Hondas, Porsches, or whatever… as will the trends. But the teamwork, friendships, camaraderie, and overall pulling-together really embodies what this tuning culture is all about!

CSF EVO X

Car Builders:

MotoIQ Garage / Sheepey Built / Rywire / LTMW / CSF Cooling

Engine

ATI super damper

Ralliart motor mounts

Garrett by Honeywell Gen2 GTX 3582R reverse rotation & 1.01A/AR Turbocharger

Turbosmart Dual wastegates

Turbosmart Blow-off valve

CSF 27x6x4.5 vertical-flow intercooler fabricated by Sheepey Built

Hydraflow clamps by Burns Stainless

CSF x Rywire Tucked universal radiator (Large Size)

CSF bar/plate engine oil cooler

Turbo kit fabrication by Sheepey Built

Sheepey Built stainless schedule 40 turbo manifold with custom Ticon Titanium up-pipes and up-tubes

Mangnus Motorsports Race Intake Manifold

Magnus Motorsports Bosch 82mm Drive By Wire Throttle Body

Magnus Motorsports fuel rail

Peterson Dry-sump oil system by Magnus Motorsports

Motorsports grade custom plumbing by Rywire using XRP HS-79 PTFE hose and XRP fittings

KTN Thermodynamics intake manifold spacer

Custom carbon fiber fuel bladder with Bosch fuel pumps

Nuke fuel pressure regulator

Injector Dynamics 1700X

Blueprinted GMG engine built for Pirelli World Challenge GTS class

Radium Engineering fuel pulse damper

Chasing J’s custom CSF titanium coil plate with titanium hardware (valve cover)

Downstar hardware

Engine Build

Tuned for reliable 750HP

4P Racing Head – EvoX CNC ported head on new core

Manley Crank – 94mm stroker crank

Carrillo Rods – Performance rods and bolts

Cosworth head studs

Cosworth head gaskets – 1.3mm head gasket

ARP Studs – Main studs

Kelford cams

Industrial Coroplast – belly pan material

ShepTrans – Performance transfer case service

AEM Electronics – Crank case pressure sensor

WPC – block, pistons, crank and cams

King Bearings – Main crank

King Bearings – Connecting rods

JE Pistons – Custom 10:1 pistons, pins, rings

Drivetrain

SPEC lightweight flywheel

TWM Performance all-metal performance short shifter

Tilton clutch kit

Suspension

JRZ 2-way coilover suspension

Whiteline high performance tierod ends

AKMotorsports:

– Front Tubular Subframe (1 pcs)

– Rear Tubular Subframe (1 pcs)

– Front Aluminium Arms (2 pcs)

– Front Outrigger Arms (2 pcs)

– Front ARB Links (2 pcs)

– Front Arms Antiroll Bracket (2 pcs)

– Rear Triangle Wishbones (2 pcs)

– Rear Short Wishbones (2 pcs)

– Rear Long Wishbones (2 pcs)

– Rear Bent Wishbones (2 pcs)

– Rear ARB Links (2 pcs)

Developed based on 3D scan

Full CAD designed and FEA tested

Manufactured from T45 tubbing, milled parts from C45 metal and plates form S355 steel Tubing bent and cut on CNC

Front arms manufactured from 7075 billet aluminum, anodized

Tig Welded with special weld wire for T45

Bearings / rod-ends – same as used in original Rally Art MML R4 kit

Fabricated strut towers with custom caster/camber plates

Exterior

Varis LED Taillights

Custom Rotiform LAS-R 3-piece wheel

Jun x Craftsquare carbon fiber side mirrors – finished with Chasing J’s titanium hardware

Front, rear, and side Lexan windows

Downstar hardware

Paint & Body by LTMW

Custom molded Streetfigher LA widebody kit by LTMW

Widebody design & rendering by Jon Sibal, Inc.

Brakes

Front & Rear 4-pot StopTech trophy kit

Custom Rywire brake lines

StopTech Aero rotors

StopTech 660race brake fluid

Wilwood break adjustable proportioning valve

Electronics

Syvecs S8 ECU

HP Electronik PDM

Custom Race-spec by Rywire

Aim Sports MXS Strada 5’ color display dash

Interior

Downstar hardware

Custom ASC Speedmetal interior paneling – custom powder coating by Embee Performance

Custom ASC Speedmetal door panels and door pulls – upholstered in black alcantara by Rogelio’s upholstery

Sparco RevII seats custom upholstered in black alcantara with red stitching by Rogelio’s upholstery

Sparco steering wheel custom upholstered in black alcantara with red stitching by Rogelio’s upholstery – finished with Chasing J’s titanium steering wheels hardware

Sparco window net

Sparco shift knob

Sparco harnesses

Custom FIA spec rollcage by GMG

Shaved engine bay and interior paint by LTMW (BMW Alpine white)

Chasing J’s custom CSF titanium coil plate with titanium hardware (valve cover)

Tuning

Custom Syvecs tuning by Wayne Potts of International Speed Consulting & Jon Drenas of 5150 Racing

Thank You…

– Ryan Basseri from Rywire Motorsports electronic for going through this journey with me

– Alex Soto and Charlie Turbos from Sheepey Built for building the most gangster Evo X engine

– Long Tran and the whole crew from LTMW for making magic happen before Sema 2017

– Martin Gonzales, Howard and the whole crew from MotoIQ Garage for building a proper race car

– Wayne Potts from ISC Tuning / Svyecs for flying out and to do final tuning and consulting on the build in order to get the true potential out of this project

– Jon Drenas and the rest of the team at 5150 Racing for last minute race prep & Evo X expert advice

– Stan Chen & Dionne Mascuna from Toyo Tires

– Brian Henderson and Jason Whipple from Rotiform

– Ken Cruz & Christian from CSF for helping manage the build

– Roger from Rogelio’s Upholstery

– Dominic Le from Chasing J’s & Mitsubishi

– Frank from Downstar

– Marco from Magnus motorsports for the million phone calls and keeping me calm

– Alan Viado from Sparco

– GMG Motosports for making me a deal on the car I couldn’t pass up

– Alex & DK at Rhino Customs HB for making sure the car is always detailed to the

– Jon Sibal for the bodykit design and Streetfighter LA for making the kit come to reality.

– My girlfriend Adrienne for putting up with my late nights of coming home past midnight

Text by Ravi Delwani from CSF Cooling Photos by Brian McGee

:bombtrack: The CSF Mitsubishi EVO X The CSF Evo X was never in the cards. Not even in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever build an Evo.

#csf #evo #evolution #Mitsubishi #radiators #track #turbo #x

0 notes

brookeasimonss-blog · 6 years ago

Text

About my past - part two

(Again, if this confuses you at any point bare with me)

As time went by we moved out of the house that we had with Daddy E and into an apartment. After about two years my mom would date another guy from time to time, trying to find someone who would cherish and love her. (I was in about 5th grade) She didn’t want to be alone. Don’t get me wrong my mom, sister, and I would have crazy party time while we lived in that apartment. Laugh, cry, be stupid, play games, cook together, go on trips together, talk about life, boys, get mad at eachother, spend time with friends, get in trouble, and dance. Just like an ordinary living situation of a mom and her two girls.

My 6th grade year was whatever expect for the fact that I lost my grandpa on my moms side due to bladder cancer, I love him so much. He inspired me to do better and live on. y 7th grade year was my most favorite out of my whole life so far. I found my closest friends and my bestfriend shirin. Some people would look up to us as a good and heathy bestfriend relationship. We had and still have our moments sometimes, although we’re not perfect but we always turn out to love eachother through everything. We are very stupid and inseparable but ya know, who cares? (She’s my favorite human being) I dated a guy and we were kinda on and off but we’re good friends to this day. Got in fights. (no, not fistfights) Made lifetime memories. Went to parties. Cut my foot open on glass, dragged Shirin to the ER with me, had an AWESOME experience and got stitches.

Summer 2017 was awesome but terrible. It stared by Shirin and I going everywhere together and never being a part from eachother but we did get sick of eachother sometimes and my mom would tell me to come home. We went to Galveston three times. I had the time of my life with my mom, sister and my moms friend there. We went on the boat, did shopping, relaxed and had fun on the beach and fed seagulls takis. (LOL) Went to Houston two times. Went to Dallas once. That was so much fun because I flew by myself there and back to go see the rest of my family in that area. Went to the oasis countless times and danced all hours of the night. Went to the pool with Shirin so many times from noon to night. Watched movies. Taught Shirin how to play mario kart and raced. Had cheer camp and practices. Tried to complete our bucket list but that didn’t work out too well. Went to the mall and domain. Kristinas birthday.

August. The month of my birthday and when school starts. I was with my dad after kristinas birthday for 2 weeks and I forgot my cheer clothes and my cheer shoes and I go over to my moms to get my stuff. I come to find out my mom passed away suddenly. I felt like my life went white and black and I just stood there. Frozen. I was in shock, lost, confused, mad, sad, and didn’t want to believe what just happened. That day was chaos and it changed my dads, my sisters, mine, and everyone that was close to my mom lives forever. Everyone’s faces and eyes were puffed up, frowned and broad like. Everyone lost one of those people that was the life of the party and super important and meant a lot to them. I remember the collar of my shirt being drenched with tears. Shirin rushed over because we lived in the complex and she said she could hear me screaming, hyperventilating, and crying from her apartments front door. There were police, me and kristina leaning on eachother, family members rushed over, kim and jim, one on one conversations.( jim drove 100 mph to get to the house from where he lives and Kim was praying the whole time) Went over to kim and jims with Shirin and we just talked and talked that night and days to come. I missed her. I missed my mom, I loved her and now she was to never to be in my life again until my day comes myself. I didnt believe what happened that day on August 8, 2017 @4:13PM. That night I cried myself to sleep and an awful sleep paralysis experience and saw my mom with white beaming eyes. I could feel my heart beating in my chest and i kept telling myself..”it’s not real” “she’s gone” “she’s in heaven” “it’s just a nightmare” “it’s my imagination” I got up and ran into jim and kims room and slept with them. I kept locking myself in a room and processing everything in my head and tried to accept what happened and have fun at jim and kims house. Two days later it was my birthday and I had Shirin and ella over and we celebrated my birthday with my family. The next day we had my moms memorial and after party to be on postitive vibes, and lots of my friends came over to support and be there for me. I appreciated their presence and how they took their time out of their day to be there for me. The worst thing was that when I went to talk about my experiences with my mom on the post. I remember my mind trailing from one thing to another, seeing her pictures, memories flashing in my head and the same words just kept coming out of my mouth like a broken record player. I was stuttering and it killed me, i wanted to share my experiences about my life with my mom. My heart was broken and my mind was racing. I started to cry and handed my sister the mic saying “I can’t” walked to the back and just stood there hugging jim. (Jim and my mom met in college and were roommates and acted just like brother and sister and they remained the closest friends and Kim is his wife) He was trying to make me feel better about the whole situation as my sister was talking about our mom.

Soon after I went back to roundrock as school was about to start.

0 notes

tinselt-blog · 7 years ago

Text

The Three Rules to Eternal Happiness

DISCLAIMER: Omg I think I kind of wrote both of these things already but I guess that’s what I get for only posting once a month? Ok. cool. Also this ends at a weird place for a reason because I want to continue this as I go through my year, because so far it’s been four months and I keep planning on writing this and I kept trying and discarding them, idk. BUT, here it is now and it isn’t my favorite but I’m sticking to it as a challenge to myself and I’m afraid of people reading this more than anything else I post so lol- this one is for my 3 followers- hey... ok. Alright. Tah-dah!

I’m on a mission to make 2018 the best year of my life both mental and physically. I know this will be my hardest journey yet and as I transition out of my last year as a teenager, I’m determined to figure out how to begin the most important and stressful years of my life in the most positive and empowering ways possible. With lots of ups and downs, it has been confusing what path I should take to complete this goal, as other attempts have been very unsuccessful in the past. I want to dare myself to do the things that scare me and work on the things I gave up on those many years ago. My mission: ultimate happiness.

This was a challenge of rules and standards I had to complete to fill any given task I gave myself. Without rules, there would be no structure in my self-proposed experiment. Each rule is not to be broken, no matter how fucking hard I want to break it and each standard has to be an average standard, so I never felt as though I couldn’t reach it. This is the easiest part of creating my goal, and funny enough, the hardest.

The first rule I made for myself, never say no. It was a crucial part of my journey that I don’t give up opportunities that I fear won’t make me happy. What this means, is have you ever been to a party or a social gathering where you felt like the odd man out? That was a feeling I was afraid of for the longest time. I had been put in scenarios where I was out somewhere I didn’t want to be, and by the end of the night I found myself walking in the city alone back to my place of comfort. Those experiences were all very mixed and every once in awhile you stumble along an event that just wasn’t worth your time. Whether the event had something to make it bad, or you yourself made the mood feel bad through negative thinking, it’s important not to let those opportunities down, because 9 out of 10 times, you’ll smile and thank yourself for those experiences. The only exception to this rule is danger. If you feel in danger, don’t stick around to figure out the trouble it will bring.

The second rule, was to put yourself in awkward situations. I know that sounds a bit odd, but when I explain it, I hope it will click. Basically, there are the things you have always wanted to try or cross off a bucket list that you’re too afraid will get you put in an awkward situation. I know for a fact there is fashion I’ve always wanted to try, but have been too nervous to pull off or a song I wanted to sing to a crowd or just that one someone that I was always afraid to sing. So, I wore a onesie in public and got a comment or two and I sang my heart out at a karaoke bar on the corner of busy and central and guess what? I’m still breathing, aren’t I? The exception I gave to this rule, don’t do something that will get you into long term trouble like meth or one too many one-night stands.

My last rule, but not my final, is keep to yourself. No matter the situation, or who you’re with, whether you’re surrounded by friends, strangers or you’re alone- be yourself. We all have those moments where we look down at what we are and who we’ve become and ask ourselves “are we worth it?” And the answer is yes, yes, yes, a million times yes. To be true to yourself, is to stick by your beliefs. Getting embarrassed in my pajamas could have been a lot worse if I wasn’t confident in who I was as a person. Of course, even to this day I get embarrassed, but it’s nothing compared to that girl I once was. The exception to this rule… there isn’t one. There is no excuse not to be you.

With those rules, I built my standards and I would tell you them, but everyone has different ones. I told you they were simple, and that was that. Because of this plan I have created, I have experienced the best 4 months of my life, even if I cried a lot along the way. This goal started last year in September of 2017, but I didn’t fully implement it until 2018. With that comes a lot of history behind why I chose this goal and describing those who influenced me to do this, whether they even realized it or not.

I tried to write this two months ago, as an anniversary to the time I broke down and crumpled, but I struggled to find the words. A year ago, my seams ripped open and I unraveled. Using bigger thread to sew up problems, doesn’t mean it’s stronger. Sometimes, more delicate string is needed to put the stitches closer together. But, I didn’t know that. There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I didn’t feel tired and I would wake up exhausted. Days where I had the sheets pulled off of me, as a friend carried my sweaty, disgusting body to fill with food. Mornings where the shower would be freezing, and I couldn’t tell I was shivering. I look back on those moments of my life and I see numbness.

I tried to blame other people and as much as I wanted to, as much as maybe they deserved it… I just couldn’t do that. Most of those struggles were my struggles, and I knew it, I just didn’t know how to say it. The people surrounding me were toxic and I was drowning in it. I was becoming sickly and frail, but everything was manifesting itself. I remember on one night, I had just started to get over bronchitis when I had a moment where I felt something for the first time in months. Panicking, I went out for a cigarette to calm my nerves as it had been doing for so many months, but rather than feeling relief, I chocked on the black smoke every time I dragged the cigarette.

I didn’t know who I was or where I was going.

This story isn’t sad though. I just needed you to know where I was compared to where I am now. I had a mental breakdown, something I honestly believe everyone experiences at least once in their life before they die. Without it, do we really have anything to grow from? Or would we just be… there?

During my breakdown I had these two people, who would literally drag me out of bed where I was drenched in my own sweat and tears and pull me to dinner where they would force feed me until I felt sick. There was a lot of hand holding and hugs of warmth to help melt away the numbness. I remember the night I felt like I could breathe again? When I felt as though my emotions weren’t just there, but rather becoming a daily thing versus just the random times with a cigarette in my hand. I remember I couldn’t physically eat a single bite of food without gagging and my adrenaline was so high. It made me sick and I couldn’t hold anything down, not even these emotions and feelings bursting through. Some I had felt and some I had never experienced at all. I felt heartbreak… from the loss of my family back at home, from my friends… from myself. I decided in that moment that where I was and who I was were two things I didn’t want to be and that was the first idea I had about myself in a long time.

Summer came, and I decided not to move far again. That was somewhat by choice, somewhat not. Either way, it was probably the best sign from God that I could have ever gotten, telling me don’t hurt yourself again. Instead of resorting to my comfort zone, aka home, I decided to make it unfamiliar- start fresh again. I painted over my comfort zone, because I could no longer find comfort in the place I had spent so many nights crying. I took my own personal comfort zone, my hair, and decided that morning to chop it all off, because it was just hair. I would grow both into newer memories, happier memories. Purging the old to create room for the new, and my god, it was so liberating to feel that way.

I decided to get to know myself better too and took some really random risks that I still question to this day, like downloading tinder. Not my wisest move, but I actually made some really good friends through it and without them, I don’t know what my random time would be spent doing. I decided to transfer schools, get a cool job and do all those crazy, insane things normal 19-year old’s do. I started this blog a year ago… or I started a blog a year ago. Even if I don’t write that much it’s still amazing to look back on the progress I have made.

Now we get to the point of why I’m writing this (only 1571 words in, wow nice one Anna). I am insecure all of a sudden. Maybe it’s the negative roommate situation I got going on, basically she feels as though she can tell me what she dislikes about me because we live together. Maybe it’s my inability to gain weight or when I do it’s not what I’m used to (not an eating disorder thing, just when your body is all over the place you’re kind of like why). And maybe it’s because now that I’ve finally purged out all the negative energy, I don’t know what to do. I made a bucket list to do over the year and I’ve already done everything on it and now I’m stuck. There is a thing or two I want to do, like do the thing that scares you most in that moment, but like I can’t do that. I don’t know why I can’t do that because it’s literally the only unmarked box…

But it is so crazy to me to know how willing I am to do anything that involves fun now and feel as though I am ‘boring’ or ‘not cool enough’. I started writing this a couple of days ago and I keep taking periodic breaks because it’s a lot to sit down and remember that negative mindset. Since then, I was invited to something I would have said no to and I went, and I had fun and a great time, and I was invited. I didn’t plan it for once in a long time, I was invited.

But I still have that feeling of not feeling complete, even though I’m happy. I want to document every little thing and see it all and say, “that’s amazing!” and so far, I have. I know what scares me most and I don’t think I will ever get past the hurtle to just do it. I know why it terrifies me and what it would take to put in the energy to do it. I know it is something that will crush me and that’s ok. Because when it’s over, I can look back and tell my kids the time I fucked up.

For now, I have never felt this much bliss in my life because of what I’ve done and I’m forever thankful for my friends, family and God. Wow, this sounds bad and cheesy… but it’s true. So thank you.

0 notes