#Alastors fuck-ass bob has nothing on him

[coneheads-deserved-a-noble-prize]

Lucifer's haircut in Season 2

[bloodreddemons]

All Hazbin Hotel Fashion Ranked w/Roasting | (imo)

(Pilot to Present)

#20 Valentino | He literally looks like he smells of alcohol, smoke, and piss. How tf has Velvette not fixed him yet?!?! This gawdy wannabe gimp getup is NOT OK... He just strolls around naked under that Santa Claus/Zebra printed Nightmare....🤡 (I like his glasses tho imma rob him)

#19 Adam | Dude be fucking having that moo moo dress ON. I find it hilarious that his army is dripped out more than he is. I mean his final battle moo moo dress was a bit better than the original but he really just walks around like a certain Ice King from one of my fav Cartoon Network shows lmfaooooo. ✝️

#18 Carmilla Carmine | Lackluster. I wasn't really wowed by either two of her looks all that much I guess. There's just absolutely no color I kinda wish they incorporated maybe more purple or something in her. Carmilla also got some BIG ass hands. Idk her design just kinda throws me off. It reminds me of something abstract.

#17 Vox | I really like his coat and just the overall palette of that electric blue situation but his shirt low-key is giving me Freddy Krueger tease lol. As well as Pyrocynical and that dude from the show "Villainous". I hope in Season 2 Vox serves us more looks and variety. He's not bad, he just obviously doesn't compare to others.

#16 Katie Killjoy | She got only like one outfit but man does it EAT. A bit cliche for a reporter but it's just still too cunty to turn down. The pearls, the cut, the makeup, fucking slay I guess. Miss Bryce Tankthrust still serving in hell is a MUST. 📣

#15 Lute | Ngl I was just shocked how pretty Lute was. That fucking face card and you hide it under a MASK?!?! Her eyelashes/eyes and that bob is just chef's *kiss* honestly and I actually really do think the angel uniforms are pretty hot as well. You just can't go wrong with a thigh high BOOT. Girls really get it done. 💯 (Keep the mask OFF!!!)

#14 Mimzy | I hate Mimzy with a passion but I can't deny flapper dresses are beautiful. Mimzy you absolutely devoured and the body is bodying Cheers, you're timeless lol. 🥂

#13 Husk | Please don't hate me guys. I love Husk and all, but ever since Alastor stole his soul he also stole his swag. Man's hasn't worn a fucking shirt since that day lmao. 🤣🤣 Like where DID his suit go??? I would be depressed and wasted too if I was him. I don't hate his design or outfit, I just think it's a bit too simple compared to the other main characters. His personality and Keith David 100% make up for it tho. ♠️

#12 Rosie | Just like Mimzy but like, tripled lmao. Just timeless beauty that never dies. Mary Poppins WHO???? My favorite is honestly probably her hat, that thing is like the crown jewel. Color palette is also kinda satisfying, I stan the pink and mauve. 🌷

#11 Emily | She's like a breath of fresh air from all the red and pink tones. The baby and periwinkle blue is so beautiful and so are her features. Them big ass eyes, the freckles, & whimsical hair. I liked her dress too. Big W's for Em. 💙

#10 Niffty | Cutieeeee. I really like her redesign compared to the old one. 1950's style of fashion is also still very appealing to me as well. The pink dress she was wearing was so fucking adorable I almost had a stroke just to see it in person. She's also weirdly gorgeous covered in angel blood. 💄

#9 Charlie Morningstar | Ngl...a lil disappointed in our girl. As the main character....to have so many just similar looking outfits with not much variety is kinda the most unsatisfying thing ever. It often feels like her fanart and photos that we rarely ever see contain better outfits than the ones that repeatedly appear in the show. However there's nothing really wrong with her final design I just sometimes really miss the old one from the pilot. I think her rounder features and the lighter pink suited her better. Final battle outfit was her best look so far tho in my opinion. 💋

#8 Sir Pentious | Sir Pentious style sorta never changed, he's still rocking that snake do-rag and that suit top that's striped just like everybody else's. 😮��💨 I really wish they would've made Pentious' suit a floral pattern. I know stripes might have been popular in the 1800s but floral was very popular too and it'd be something different that'd still completely match his Era. I love his steam punk style and his other creative looks but his HEAVEN outfit was just the best. Saint Pentious > Sinner Pentious!! 🤍

#7 Velvette | Thank LUCI they changed and upgraded this girl bro. She was lowkey a hot fucking mess in my opinion before. Man did she come out SWINGING. Not just with looks but also personality I was floored. She's literally the Queen of hairdos and assembling, not many people can pull off that many patterns. Unique and trendy with the energy to back it up. Velvette you'll always be famous!! ❤

#6 Lucifer Morningstar | 6.6.6!!! Very few outfits but I never seen a moment where this man did not serve!! He's always got that fire ass coat on and he gives you the hatsssss. They're stylish while also telling you exactly who he is. It's like regal as fuck while also kinda simple. You don't have to think too much while ogling to just know that he's a dapper ass cHaD. ❤️‍🔥🍎

#5 Cherri Bomb | Loved all of Cherri's outfits. She fucking devoured and blown away over half the competition. She is Kesha vibes. Mama is Avril Lavigne vibesss. She just gives it to you with her punk rock, y2k, fashion. (I know she's supposed to 80s Era but still lol..) Always loved her base look but the final battle outfit and the one from the addict music video were amazing. 🍒

#4 Vaggie | Vaggie the fucking queen you areeee. Talk about versatility. She can really pull off a lot. I noticed that she experiments with her hair a lot like Velvette and I LOVE THAT. The fucking bob?!? High ponytail?!?! Great bangs and great length?!?! Vaggie teach me your wayssss. I always liked her bow and a lot of her outfits. Most of them are sexy without trying too hard. I don't think I can even pick a favorite but I'd probably go with final battle outfit and also her angel gown because that is just too cute lol. 💅🏼

#3 Alastor | As soon as Alastor popped up on scene he was fucking slaying. Literally definition of "pink is cute but red is sexy". He got those sharp ass acrylics ON and his coat is fabulousy spooky lmfao. He also went from being bed bug red to....even more red and sharper (because that was some how possible) lol. Red and black is always an amazing combo and his deer-like appearance is kinda appealing even tho it's a demon lol. I'd venture to even say he's probably one of the most fashionable Overlord's. He's just eye catching and has that AURA. Maybe it's because he's an ancient relic with very peculiar cLaSs but it's really working for him. Keep going you psycho I will see you in hell lmao. (Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka called 🍓💀)

#2 Angel Dust | FUCKING KING SHIT. He just serves every time without fail. He has a whole wardrobe and they all fucking bang. The clothes are sexy, the makeup is sexy, the AURA is sexy. AND IT SHOULDN'T BE TRIFLED WITH!!! It's really sad because he spends so much time to "get pretty" for pieces of shit, but it doesn't take away Angel's talent to pull off so many gorgeous and hot things. Angel will always be a standout icon and I bet Heaven will look SO good on him. 💗

#1 Lilith (Probably lol) | We barely seen her, but I just KNOW she'd devour. Point. Blank. Period. lmfao. 👑♀️

[vaggietheangel]

Randome headcannons that have nothing to do with each other

Vaggie punches inanimate objects when she bumps I to them. She got hit by the door of the closet once, so she ripped it off the hinges.

Angel is a TERRIBLE driver. He would laugh if he flipped the car over into the ditch and says he's so silly. He smokes, does his nails, makeup, and calls Cherri when driving on a highway.

Niffty is a mean drunk. She will make fun of you but in an accurate way. She will get to the thing that you don't like about you and laugh at you for it. She made Alastor well up.

Charlie eats flinestone vitamin gummies. But she eats two at once, so they "don't die alone." She also eats gingerbread men head first to "end thier suffering".

Alastor only watches one modern movie and chooses it every time Charlie says it's his turn for movie night. It's human centipede.

Sir pentious snitches om Angel for breaking rules. He refers to it as "tomfoolery".

Charlie will raise her hand in the air and say "I've had it up to here with you!" When she's angry.

Mimzy mistook Niffty for a child when they first met and gave her money for ice cream. She used it to buy a can of deodorant and a lighter. Then set a cockroach on fire with it.

Vaggie uses rosemary oil to make her hair grow faster.

Husk punched a mirror when he was drunk because "some stupid bastard was staring at me."

Angel teaches Sir pentious to use slang incorrectly bc he thinks its funny. Sir pentious says "this was a millon dollar pussy my good Sir. :)" when leaving a tip at a restaurant.

Cherri has a cookie monster tattoo on her ass.

Husk puts his phone in the fridge when it overheats.

Vaggie sticks her leg out to trip people over when they make her mad.

Charlie buys the bruised fruit because she feels bad for it. "If I don't buy it no one else will! 🥺" She also feels bad for the sweets that are left at the bottom of the box.

Angel Dust:Ah, its only the shit ones left.

Charlie:Angel, that's so mean!

Angel:???

Niffty slaps Alastor upside his fuck ass Bob and says "I like your cut g."

Angel skitters like a spider when he's frightened.

Vaggie gets embarrassed when she cries in front of people. So she gives them a warning to not tell anyone or she will stab them.

Husk is easily fooled by ai images. Niffty showed him an ai picture of a baby skydiving. He put on his old man glasses and grumbled about how parents are so irresponsible these days.

Niffty kept putting roaches in Vaggie’s victrion dollhouse. So Vaggie threw her out the window.

Charlie acts out safety psa's for her redemption workshops. She explains how to defuse a violent situation in the form of a "sailor moon" says" short."

Angel Dust is embarrassed of his older porn. He thinks the acting is cringe. So when he tries to show one of his newer movies to the staff Vaggie air drops one of his old porns to the TV.

Niffty likes to stick her finger into plug sockets. She likes "the tinges." Charlie had to pry her away from it several times.

[mayashesfly]

The Vees (+ Alastor & Niffty) and what Overwatch Role/Hero(es) they would play as

VOX

Only plays DPS. One may think that he might like playing Tank but despite being the face of his brand, he still prefers being behind the scenes. So he actually enjoys the freedom of being able to make plays and not worry about taking space and everything else about playing Tank.

Tries to play Echo alot hoping he would get good with her, because nothing is more satisfying than diffing someone on their own hero and even Ulting better than them. Unfortunately despite his fantasies of being good on Echo, he's actually not that great of an Echo player, fucking up her flight mechanics and not having enough time to actually play the other heroes to use her Ult to the best of its capabilities.

Soldier 76 is his actual Main and his crutch when he ends up feeding too much on Echo that Velvette starts berating him and Valentino is about to snap. And boy is he good at Soldier.

Not worrying about vertical mobility does wonders for this old man's brain and he does pretty well at taking off angles and rotating on Soldier. And nothing gets him off more than getting a near team kill with his Ult.

In general, he likes hitscan heroes. So he can also play a bit of Bastion and Sojourn. But his positioning and usage of their mobility abilities needs work. (Which is also why he sucks at Echo because she's a projectile hero that can also switch to beam)

Though.... he can also just be too aggressive at times, causing Valentino to have to save his ass.

VALENTINO

Prefers and loves playing DPS, unfortunately relegated to playing Support. If he was ever forced to play Tank, everything would've already been destroyed. Though just playing Support by itself is already nearing that line if it weren't for Velvette.

Valentino uses Lifeweaver when he has no choice but to play Support alongside the other Vees. Though he does much more damage than what he actually should do, like healing the team. Especially since he needs to charge his heals.

Lifeweaver's auto aim healing petals and lifegrip does wonders for Valentino considering his eyesight. Especially when he has to pull Vox out of a bind when he overextended too much because he was way too fucking aggressive.

Now, you may wonder why he doesn't play Moira instead if he wanted damage.

Well, Valentino loves having to aim damage and he hates having autoaim for that. But if you make him have to aim or even think about doing healing even if it's pissing spraying on people, he will fucking rip your head apart.

Sometimes he would play Illiari too, especially if he's getting dove too fucking much on Lifeweaver.

Don't expect him to use his healing beam because all the healing you'll get from him is from his pylon, and his pylon placements can use some work, but at least it's slightly above average. His headshots on Illiari though? He's an actual menace, and he has the timing of her shots for maximum damage down.

If he finally isn't stuck on Support, he's terrifyingly amazing on Ashe. He can surprisingly hit most of his shots and he utilizes her kit very well. And nothing gets him going more than seeing Bob absolutely slaughter everyone. Sometimes he would even get a few boops kills with the shotgun, especially when a particular DPS or Lucio player kept diving him last game and he got lucky with the map selection.

He can also play a little Cassidy, but he sometimes he doesn't like being too close ranged. And Widowmaker is too boring for him to try for more than a few seconds.

VELVETTE

Plays DPS but sometimes plays Tank too. Will NEVER touch Support if she could help it because Support is for pussies and is overtuned/overpowered.

Sombra Main. She is definitely 100% a Sombra Main. It's practically a match made in Heaven, if Heaven was Hell. Nothing makes her grin more than bullying the enemy team's Supports and spawncamping them.

But no really, she's wonderful at disrupting the enemy team and even getting picks to let her team make more plays since she spent way too much time playing when she's free.

She knows every healthpacks' location and when it's a good time to hack them.

She's also definitely salty about Sombra's translocator rework but she's been able to adapt well enough to the new translocator.

Her Ult is never wasted because she knows to wait when her team can actually follow up. And she makes sure Valentino isn't getting dived too much that he breaks their set up.

Sometimes she also plays Tracer, though she dislikes her lack of utility compared to Sombra and you know, invisibility.

Sometimes she also plays Widowmaker, but it's nothing else except for clout from getting good clips for her.

When she plays Tank, she can only really reliably use D.va since she's also high mobility like Sombra and Tracer.

She loves diving the backline and killing Supports before going back to peel for Valentino. Since he usually plays Lifeweaver, it's a win-win regardless of how much Velvette moved around.

Though admittedly, she doesn't use defende matrix too much to mitigate damage for her allies.

Definitely spams the "GG" and "Is this easy mode?" voicelines once she wipes the enemy team on the floor.

Refuses to play Orisa since she thinks using her is cheap and only shows that she's terrible at Tank since she's relegated as the "crutch tank"

ALASTOR

Only plays when Charlie needles him into it as a bonding activity since he thinks it's a waste of time.

Usually only plays Torbjorn and Symettra so he could just place down their turrets and act like he's contributing to the game by using them. Refuses to use the other abilities and primary fire of the hero he plays as because surely the turrets would do the job for him.

It annoys Vaggie and the others endlessly that he's practically wasting a player slot. But honestly, what did they expect?

In private, he's actually one of the most terrifying Moira mains you would have the displeasure of knowing. He will fade into your backline and absolutely demolish them and have the craziest fade jump techniques that you've never seen that you won't even figure out where the fuck he went.

Purely a DPS Moira and you'll be lucky if the healing orb he tossed out for himself grazed your hero to heal you.

But hey, who needs healing if the enemy team lost their healers and now they're dead?

Truly a menace to both his team and the enemy team since he doesn't heal and all he does is kill.

(though he also likes hunting down soldiers)

NIFFTY

Only plays when the hotel residents play since she usually doesn't see the appeal.

But if she does play? Junkrat Main. 100% a Junkrat Main. Not only is Junkrat a bad boy but he is the order in chaos.

It does sometimes annoy Niffty that she can't clean him up but she absolutely has fun just tossing grenades and blasting everyone into bits.

At first, she merely spams on Junkrat like an amateur. But once she decided to become a Junkrat Connoisseur? You better fucking run because she'll be hitting every grenade and mine on your face regardless if you fly.

Sometimes Cherri Bomb wonders if she's better at Junkrat or if Niffty is.

Admittedly though, there are times she gets too impatient on waiting for the right moment on Junkrat and just jumps in to cause mayhem, leading her to feed at times when she's too excited and aggressive.

[zombriekid]

The Devil Takes Care of His Own 3/?? [Alastor/Gender Neutral Reader]

Series: Hazbin Hotel

Chapter Name: Checking In?

Chapter Summary: you’re faced with a dilemma as the happy hotel opens its doors to you

Text from: The Boss

“WHAT. THE FUCK. DID YOU DO, NEWBIE?”

Oh no...

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

Fuck... oh fuck, oh god no, please.

“WHY ARE SO MANY OF MY CLIENTS COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU?!”

The drop of your stomach echoes with a fluttering impression, while a surge of heat, abrupt and uncomfortable, licks at the lining of your throat all the way up to your jaw and it bleeds into your ears; the burgundy walls all around you begin to shrink.

“SOWBELLY SAYS YOU BROKE SOME SHOT!”

“*shit you broke some shit”

“AND THAT COFFEE SMELLIN HIPSTER FUCK SAYS-”

With a resounding clack, your phone slips from your grip and plummets to the sturdy countertop below, a noise that makes the three people around you flinch (you notice distantly), but your brain- your outermost awareness- doesn’t even bother. Because your entire world is now summing up to the blurbs of rapid fire notifications assaulting the LCD screen. Message after heated text message just filled to the brim with expletives and threats and perpetual capslock until this massive wall of verbal abuse blurs your vision; makes your head throb in sync with the increasing thump-thump of your heart.

The device vibrates against the bar and its screen lights up with another message alert, this one demanding your immediate response before declaring you a “useless piece of shit”, and then not long after comes a voice mail about a minute in length.

You’re not gonna listen to it though, you’re gonna grovel.

A tap from your right middle finger brings the digital keyboard to the glass, and your digits begin dancing across the letters to formulate what you consider to be a heartfelt apology, and you beg forgiveness for your transgressions as a lowly delivery person.

But three paragraphs in your hand forces a sudden stop; typos in need of amending due to the constant use of the backspace key, an entire sentence underlined by red squiggly lines with no break between the nonsense letters, and without realizing it at some point you accidentally pulled up the emoji list and now thirty percent of your sniveling is made up of a bunch of cartoons. It’s an odd sensation, you think as you stare back at the jargon, a backlog of muscle memory for modern technology yet you can’t even design coherent text messages in order to save face.

In order to save your fucking job.

All because your goddamn useless hands won’t stop fucking shaking.

Suppose it’s a futile effort at this point- your ass is one hundred percent absolutely and totally fired now.

Meaning no money for bills, no money for food, for utilities, for clothes... Here comes your eviction notice- goodbye lumpy mattress, and a fine greeting to the filthy streets of Pentagram City. A steep price for your compulsive philanthropy, go figure that that’s how things operate down here. How bass ackwards.

But that’s alright, that’s okay, you’ve been through worse you think- you’ve been- you’ve...

You’ve suffered through worse before. Homelessness? Ha, nothing compared to the shit you’ve seen willingly, a temporary setback, maybe a coworker will let you sleep on their couch. The new girl, what was her name? Stacy? Yeah, she’s pretty eager she’ll let you crash with her- it’ll give her more of an excuse to “befriend” you but that’s alright. Sacrifice comfort for survival, right?

“Newbie.”

Not the first time, definitely won’t be the last; life in a concrete jungle is such a fickle bitch, especially here in-

“Newbie!”

-here in Pentagram City.

Present time. Post death. Hell. The here and now.

Impossibly small hands are pulling the apples of your cheeks into fleshy bulbs, folding your lips as a pout, and the darkened corners of your vision dim until Niffty’s lone ocular takes precedence in sight; a triad of quick blinks help anchor your focus.

Oh. How wonderful. Yet another episode... how many does that make today? Certainly way more than usual.

You blame the stress.

“Newbie, you okay?” Niffty asks with a tight throat, and a bob of your head delivers your response.

“Just havin’ a... moment. But I’m alright now.”

She glances down to her right in the direction of your phone, still glaring at you from the grainy surface of the bar, and it’s as if you can literally see the gears in her brain start to rotate. You’re fairly certain that she’s about to put two and two together and get four.

“That’s just my own bossman, Mr. Terry. Well, pretty sure he’s my former boss now.”

“Is it cause of today? When you helped me?”

Your knee-jerk reaction is to mindlessly blurt out a response that would confirm her suspicions, but luckily whatever humanity remains in tact notices her pitch- not necessarily concern rather something akin to it paints the undertone- and it clamps your mouth shut with an audible click of your teeth. Because what you were about to do, what you were about to say, be it directly or indirectly that was going to shift at least some of the blame on to her, and that would be completely unfair. The fault doesn’t lie with her. It’s entirely your own. First off the little lady didn’t even ask for your help, she didn’t beckon to you she didn’t plead for interception, you swooping in to “save the day” was your body’s reflexive need to act, to just do something instead of perpetuating the stereotype of morbidly curious bystander. Second, the manner of which how you saved her was incredibly, stupidly sloppy- a path of damage shadowing your trek and all you left behind was a substantial cost of repairs and replacements. Since when was charging through a line of stores ever a good idea?!

No, you made the decision to do something about Niffty’s situation, so you could’ve found a better way to engage it- actually you should’ve found a better way, but your lapse in judgment cost some people tools, resources, products, and even some clientele, thus costing you practically everything, and now Hell is demanding its pound of flesh from someone’s hide.

Don’t let her believe that it may come from her.

“Nah, I accidentally pissed off some clients recently,” you say as you gently take hold of her hands and remove them from your face. “No need to worry about it, kiddo.” Which none of that is a lie in any capacity, sometimes your cleverness does in fact shine through.

Niffty doesn’t seem to think so, though obviously there’s no way for her to know without some form of mind reading, regardless her face falls into a displeased frown complete with round, bulgy cheeks. “I’m not a kid, Newb. Besides you’re younger than me!”

Oh, she’s so friggin precious, you’re gonna miss this youngen. “In terms of dates, sure. But my, uhh, ‘departure time’ so to speak-” you decorate this with air quotes “-gives me some years on ya.”

“Yeah, by a few at most.”

... No? By, like, ten-ish years? Are you missing something?

“Dude I’m pretty sure I died somewhere in my twenties.”

“Okay? And?”

Okay, yeah, you’re definitely missing something. The tingles on the back of your neck prove this.

She’s not a child, is she?

“... Niffty, how old were you when you bought the farm?”

“Twenty two.”

Alright, okay, that’s dope- how long until the next extermination? That’s a thing you’ve heard about, and you’d really love to volunteer yourself to be first in line right about now. The sooner the better, really.

From pit in his stomach comes an eruption of raucous glee, such an intense reaction that it forces Angel Dust- long forgotten until now- to bend until he’s bracing himself with two hands on his knees, the other pair clutching around his heaving abdomen, as he cry-laughs at your expense.

Meanwhile, the feathered feline fellow manning the bar makes a sound in the back of his throat loud enough to reach your ears, and when you give him your attention he deems the conversation relevant enough to glimpse at you from the corner of his amber eyes; there’s a deep green bottle entrapped in his massive paws and with a tip of the neck he takes a hearty swig before he finally mutters whatever is on his mind. You catch a whiff of the unmistakeable odor of bitter, cheap booze.

“Didja really think Niff’s a kid?”

...

Ten minutes.

Ten whole arduous minutes spent enduring rigorous taunting and not-so-light-hearted ribbing from all three demonic compatriots; statements such as “not so bright are ya, smooth talka?” ala Angel and “no wonder you’re so weird” courtesy of Niffty force the tips of your ears to sear with your cheeks quickly following the same trend.

In your defense, Niffty’s rather small stature and youthful disposition makes her seem much younger than she actually (apparently) is, and sincerest apologies to the court but she’s the most humanoid individual you’ve encountered downside- other than Charlie, of course- so how were you to know that she wasn’t a child in danger solely based on the information you were given? It’s not like you had the time to stop and ask!

And if this trio of assholes would take a few moments to consider your perspective then maybe they wouldn’t be so quick to jump straight to mockery, so until they do they can just suck your bits.

____________________________________

Some time passes, you’re unclear on how much for you refuse to even so much as think of your phone right now, and though you’ve yet to receive anything further from Mr. Terry- no more text messages, no more voice mails, no more notifications- and though the hotel’s three residents have retired from their cruelty and are seeking entertainment elsewhere- Niffty on a dusty painting, Husk at the bottom of a bottle, and Angel Dust... doing whatever in another room- still you find no peace.

No respite from this fuster cluck of a situatio.

And you don’t know what you’re going to do about it.

But you gotta do something, can’t let this continue to fester, so take a deep breath: one, two, three, four- and let it out: five, six, seven, eight- and repeat. Clear your head. Think about this logically.

The first step should be an apology, of course, but your gut tells you that a simple “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to, won’t happen again” just wouldn’t suffice- not for a group of pissed off demons at least. And your employment with Mr. Terry is a measly two weeks young, nowhere near enough to build up some sort of history of positive work ethic, so starting with him is practically a fool’s errand already.

After all, your enigmatic boss isn’t known for his mercy.

... maybe...

Maybe you’re on to something with that assessment.

Maybe you shouldn’t apologize to him first but rather save him for last. Work up the list of priorities instead of down.

Starting with the demon you pissed off first: Mrs. Sowbelly.

Two pokes at your back.

A delicate, graceful exclamation of “FUCK!” comes bellowing out of your mouth as the abrupt shock nearly sends your ass careening to the floor, your hands scrambling upon the bar in order to hook stability.

Mere seconds later and you find Charlie over the slope of your shoulder with her right index finger pointed in your direction; the look on her face suggests that your squawking startled her. In this moment your mouth works much faster than your brain and an apology is already leaping off your tongue... that is until you notice the person standing next to her.

Now, not to be rude about it, but there’s nothing inherently striking about this individual; gray tinted skin, long white hair pouring down the length of her spine, a few inches shorter than the blonde at her side, and a large pink eye staring straight at you with something like irritation. For the most part, she looks human- not humanoid like Charlie and Niffty, but like you.

Human.

And that’s why she’s stealing your attention.

“Hey Newbie, I want to introduce you to the Happy Hotel’s manager and my partner, Vaggie.” Charlie says with a somewhat forced smile, likely residual from your outburst.

With your eyes trained on the gal in question, you blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. “Howdy, pleasure to meet you.”

Vaggie doesn’t say anything back.

Luckily, however, Charlie keeps the conversation rolling.

“The two of us actually wanted to talk to you about something important. Is... is that okay?”

For your anxiety? Anything that even remotely parallels “we need to talk” is a near guarantee to sending your heart to the racetrack, so no it’s not okay in that regard. That being said, given her response earlier, before Mr. Terry battered you with derisive texts, and the fact that she called the manager/her girlfriend over is... well, you’d be lying if you said that you aren’t intrigued. Skeptical, maybe even paranoid, but intrigued. So you give your consent.

“Cool beans! So, umm, I think I’m just going to cut to the chase here,” she clears her throat, “we want you to stay here. At the Happy Hotel. To be rehabilitated.”

...

....

“I’m sorry, fucking what?”

The question is out before the rest of your body has time to process Charlie’s words, but even when you fully digest the information you’re still left feeling perplexed. What does she mean “rehabilitation”, what all does that entail, why did she have to call her girlfriend for this?

And, oh, how her patience seems to know no bounds for the smile that curls on her lips is soft, and her brow pulls together in what you can only call generosity. Like she understands your confusion; makes you wonder how often she goes through this schtick.

“Allow me to explain our predicament since you’re still new.”

And she does, in great detail, weaving a copper-scented tapestry with threads dyed the shades of suffering and heinous sin. In less pretentious terms, she regurgitates material you’ve only heard in passing. Hell is bursting at the seams with its substantial over population issue, one that only grows more exacerbated with each newcomer, and with limited real estate and even more limited resources the powers that be reached the conclusion long ago that a percentage just... has to go. Enter the exterminators, a team set out from the tippy topside whose sole purpose is to literally slash some numbers in half once a year.

Charlie doesn’t like this, in fact her exact words are “it kills me inside knowing that my people are being systematically annihilated” and honestly they kinda make you equate this to that of a speech from some representative- an authority figure, someone with power, which makes sense if this is her hotel. It’s pretty, the way she feels about the annual genocide, but you’ve yet to hear her alternative solution if she has any to begin with.

As the saying goes, actions do speak louder than words.

That’s when she genuinely explains the hotel’s purpose: to purge the demons of their vices, purify their souls, make right their wrong doings from when they were alive so that they can walk through the pearly gates as a reborn person, faultless and whole. Redemption. Rehabilitation. Because a hotel is only a temporary pitstop between two destinations.

The idea... makes enough sense, you guess.

“I mean, that’s neat, super admirable, and the whole idea of reforming demons instead of just- ya know- offing them sounds way better in comparison. But uhh- what does this have to do with me?”

“Well,” Charlie looks over at Vaggie before advancing her explanation, “you’re new. You haven’t regained your memories yet, your body hasn’t adapted yet, you still have your humanity- I mean you helped Niffty out of a tight spot without any expectation of a reward!”

“Nah, I just did what felt like the right thing at the time.”

“Exactly! We need someone like that here!”

Ah.

Now the picture has clarity.

What Charlie said earlier, “... if I can help just one demon find redemption here then everyone else will believe too!” that was merely another way of saying “we haven’t succeeded yet.” And judging by the way the hotel’s current residents, this motley crew of friends(?), they’ve been trying with people who have been here a lot longer than you have- you, a newbie that hasn’t gone through “the Change” yet, hasn’t full acclimated or been assimilated into the disgusting system of eternal suffering. Like they have. If redemption can be had here it’s more likely to be found with a newcomer like you, and if you can be saved then it’ll prove possible for anyone else.

At least that’s what you’ve surmised from the situation.

It doesn’t sit right with you though.

You did something topside to warrant your arrival here, or maybe you did a lot of things, or maybe you didn’t do enough, you don’t know and that’s the point. You don’t remember. There could be a mountain of skeletons shoved into your closet that you’re completely unaware of and until further notice that’s where they’re going to remain if they even exist.

You. Don’t. Know.

There are way too many unknown variables regarding your past- no, you’re very identity, and though you’ve been reassured on numerous occasions that that’s actually the standard here for newcomers... that doesn’t mean you deserve a second chance. Because who you were may not deserve it.

So don’t waste the room on a potential lost cause, is what you tell them.

“All the more reason to try it now before your memories can influence you.” Vaggie says in a firm voice, the very first you’ve heard her speak. 

And admittedly the logic is sound, you’re not trying to dispute that, it’s just... 

Not you- a clattering racket against the bar top- anyone else may deserve this opportunity- disrupts the conversation- but not you- and it takes all of two seconds to determine the source. It’s your phone, probably Mr. Terry announcing you officially dead to his business.

“Do you have a place to stay?” Still Vaggie.

As of right now, no, you really don’t.

“Residents can board here for free, you just have to stay clean- no sinning, at least as best you can.”

That’s not too bad, you think. Maybe you should-

No! No, one “good deed” doesn’t merit a shot at atonement. It’s not going to negate whatever it is you did to topside to leave you downside.

...but you’re more than likely out of a job now, one that barely paid enough to cover expenses to begin with, and losing your apartment is trailing not that far behind.

“What do you say, Newbie?”

“I-” the sudden dryness in your throat drags forth a minor coughing fit. “I don’t know if I deserve it.”

“Only one way to find out.”

Sacrifice comfort for survival, right?

You take a deep breath. “O-okay. Where’s the check-in sheet?”

____________________________________

a/u: mental health has been a bitch to deal with so i’m sorry that this took longer than i expected. i have half a mind to scrap this and redo it again but i’ma do this funky fresh thing where i stop overanalyzing it and put it out there for y’all to read. still no beta, and still no al yet, but we’re definitely getting c l o s e r, got this bitch all planned out and everything. y’all know the deal by now: like, reblog, and comment; the engagement makes my lil queer kokoro go doki doki

tagged: @kryptum-one @itz-kira @peachesandkats (i’m in love with all three of y’all, just letting you know)

[the-muppet-joker]

Not him again... ugh. Do you know that the Joker would win every day against Alastor? That nothing he could do would stop me from snapping his stupid twig in half, shoving each end up his deer-tailed ass and making a venison shish kabob. I would laugh while I did it. And if he ever tried to turn on the radio I would stomp on it and break it into a thousand pieces and make him eat it in his asexual jambalaya or whatever he supposedly eats. How does he wear shoes with his deer feet? Hooves? Fuck. You can tell he is asexual because of his "Fuck Ass Bob." As in no one would fuck him. Ugly as fuck. Not to mention an undercut up to his antlers so no lover could ever pull his hair, lovingly but firmly, in a consensual act consistent with their established dom-sub relationship. I hate seeing his Bright Red Humanized Bill Cipher Non Period Accurate To The 1920s Edgelord Ass on my dashboard topping the short noseless pink cheeked man or the snake or the television who all wear the exact same outfit as him. At least the Joker has style, and fucking variety. He needs some fucking Crest Brand Whitening strips. Don't EVER draw him like the Joker again.

@the-muppet-joker

My friend made this for you. Do you like him

[beef-brisket]

Angel took a drag of his smoke, thinking about what Adam was saying.

Angel: Smiles is a weird one, there's no doubting that shit... sorry Ad, I have no idea what he's trying to do- wait. Maybe he's trying to make short king jealous~

Adam: what? Jealous? Why would Lucifer be threatened by a guy with a fuck ass bob cut?

Angel snorted, he's never really thought about Alastors hair before but shit, he really did have a fuck ass bob.

Angel: with a 2006 dye fail- who the fuck does black tips now?

Adam laughed. He was around during the early 2000s, but he actually digged some of the music- the fashion, on the other hand, was interesting, to say the least.

Adam: exactly! Lucifer is the king of Hell, how could he feel threatened by Bambi? And over what? Lucifer could kick his ass like it was nothing

Angel: holy shit, I know moths are blind as fuck but bitch, you're triple blind!

Adam: bitch! I have fucking glasses now, thank you, I can see perfectly fine!

Angel: I meant, you're blind to the king. I know he's small enough to fit in a pocket, but he's got power like a brick shit house. He can fuck us all up.

Adam: You're point?

Angel: he's hot!

Adam: shut up!

Angel laughted at Adam's blush, he knew he was down bad for Lucifer, but of course, he planned on never saying anything.

Angel: I'm serious! I'd PAY to spend a night with him! You know... they say he's so short because his inches ended up somewhere else~

Adam slowly turned to Angel. He had that blissed out, flirty look on his face. Whore.

Adam: unbelievable- I can't be having with conversation

Adam put his head in his hands. Angel chuckled as his lower arm still brought the cigarette to his lips.

Angel: I'm just saying- no one knows how hung Bambi is- and short king is only rumors sooo...

Adam: ...so...?

Angel: fuck em! I know I would~

Adam: bitch, you'd fuck a pole if it'll give you $30

Angel: hm. You're not wrong, but that pole has to be packing for me to even look twice! Anyway, specking of poles, I need to get to work before Val has my ass, and not in the way I like-

Adam: pft. We could fuck that guy up, you know

Angel: Adam, please. We can't go through this again, last week was nothing- I can handle it

Adam: he broke your fucking arm- and worse! I want to kill him for touching you like that Ang!

Angel hugged Adam, who instantly hugged back.

Adam: ...I don't want you going.. stay here- we'll watch a movie or something-

Angel: Addie-

Adam: I'll fuck you if you want! Just- please stay, ang-

Angel: Adam-

Adam: I'll kill him, so you never have to go there again- fuck it, I'll get Lucifer to wipe them all out-

Angel: ADAM! Baby! Stop- please!

Angel cradled adams face in his hands, his lower ones were intertwined with Adams. He could feel tears as he saw how desperate Adam looked. He never though the first man would mean something to him, but he was a great guy, and not a fucking bore.

Adam: i-im sorry... I know it's hard for you Ang... and I'm not helping-

Angel: hey- shut up! Don't say that! You're always helping me babe- just by being there when I get home, okay? That's more than enough- you just spending time with me is so fucking important to me, Addie. I swear to God. Out of everyone at this shitty hotel, you and Husk are the two things that keep me grounded. So don't think that just because you don't have Vals blood on your hands, that you're not helping. Because you are. More than you know

Adam pulled Angel in for a hug. He hated watching him go. He really did.

Adam: let me walk you to work then?

Angel: wearing that? Go doll yourself up first, the meet me out here- you've got 5 minutes first man! Make it sexy! make it...-

Adam: make it horny...

Angel: good bitch. Now get up their and make me proud!

After going through his closet, Adam found exactly what he was looking for. Last week Angel took him shopping again and he brought a short, black latex dress. Yeah it was a fucking pain to put on but he's been practicing and he's got a good technique down.

After pulling it on, first try. Adam pulled his thigh high boots on. Looking in the mirror, he was sure he'd fuck him. We'll, he'd fuck himself no matter the occasion but this time? He'd really fuck himself.

His phone buzzed, and he saw it was a text from Angel.

AD. "Where are you, bitch?"

Shit. Adam quickly rushed out of his room, where he almost his Lucifer.

Adam: sorry Luci!

Lucifer was stunned and just watched Adam run off. He's still not use to... all of that leg. But he was getting there, if the sudden bulge in his pants had anything to say about it. That fucking dress. How was that legal? He's going to kill someone wearing that. Death by boner.

Speaking of boners. Lucifer quickly teleported to his room to finish... off some papers. Yep. That's definitely it.

Finally arriving to the lobby, he saw how everyone looked at him- even Husk. Yeah bitches, fucking look.

What he didn't notice was Alastor watching him as he left the lobby with Angel.

Turning to the wall, Alastor spoke quietly to his shadow.

Alastor: follow them

Adam nor Angel noticed the shadow following them all the way to the porn studio.

Moth!Adam having a nightmare! This takes place a few days after arriving in Hell.

@fanofstuff01 MOTH ADAM

---

Charlie: Hey, dad? Could you go get Adam up? He's going to miss out on the group activity!

Lucifer: Honey, if he isn't even going to put I the effort, he shouldn't be here!

Charlie: dad- please, he's only just got here. This is a big change for him. Can you just go wake him?

Lucifer reluctantly agreed and made his way to Adams bedroom. Charlie put him on a floor that had no other members, thinking it would help him get use to things.

Arriving at Adam's door, Lucifer smiled. He decided to take the opportunity to scare Adam. It was almost Halloween, after all.

Lucifer walked softly to the top of Adam's bed. He could see his antennas flicking about. Ljcifer stood by his head for a few minutes, waiting for the perfect opportunity to scare him.

Adam: mm- no, stop... don't leave... please don't leave...

Lucifer chuckled. It must have been some popr winner in Heaven Adam was talking about.

Adam: L-Lu... please stay- pick me, please... don't leave... p-please choose me-

Lucifer stopped laughing and stared at the man. Oh... it was Eden he was having a nightmare about. Shit. He backed away as Adam started to thrash, his wings unfurling.

Lucifer had no idea no idea what to do. The poor guy even started crying. He decided to wake him up. Lucifer couldn't watch Adam cry and grip his blankets. It hurt too much.

Lucifer: Adam... ADAM-!

Lucifer reached over to shake his shoulder but jumped and teleported out of reach of Adam and his wings when Adam suddenly shot up, breathing hard.

Lucifer wasn't too familiar with Moth demons, he only knew of Valentino, and even then, he hadn't had many interactions with him, so he wasn't too sure how good Adams' eye slight was.

Adam: Luci...?

Lucifers eyes widened at the nickname- and the way Adam said it. It reminded him of Eden. Adam sounded so desperate and hopeful. Hopeful that Lucifer was there with him, that his nightmare wasn't true.

Lucifer wasn't sure if he wanted to say anything, he hadn't noticed him yet. That was until he noticed Adam looking around the room, eyes landing on Lucifer.

He felt like he should say something. So he waves and smiles, but just as he's about to say something, he heard Adam choke out a sob and bury his head in his hands, his lower arms wrapped around his thin torso.

Adam: t-thats right... you hate me... why would you be here...?

Lucifers heart broke. He didn't hate Adam. He was an asshole sometimes and a bastard for attacking his daughter, but he didn't hate him. He felt like he should, but he couldn't.

After a few minutes of crying, Adam tried to find his phone. Lucifer could see it on the side table, so he made the phone float in front of his hand. Adam didn't notice the magic, but found his phone. He squinted until his eyes were met with the bright light.

Adam grounded when he saw the time. He was really late now.

Adam: ...fuck it... they don't want me there, anyway... s-should have j-just stayed d-dead

Lucifer stood in the corner of Adam's room for 20 minutes. All he did was hug his pillow and cry. He could tell Adam was tired, but he couldn't fall back asleep.

He never knew how depressed Adam was. But then again, he'd never a good conversation with Adam since he got here. Lucifer really took the opportunity to get as much payback as possible now that he had a contract with him.

He wonders if all of this started when he called him an unlovable piece of shit, that not even the scumiest angels wanted. He knew he overstepped, judging by the look on his face and the lack of response.

For the next week, Lucifer stood in Adams room before he went to sleep and before he woke up. It was always the same: Adam would cry himself to sleep, and he'd have a nightmare about being abandoned and wake up shaking, covered in tears in the morning.

As Lucifer was in his room this night, he was hoping it would be different. Adam was with Angel for most of the day and seemed to be happier. But as soon as Adam sat on the edge of his bed, he knew it wasn't going to be a good night. It was actually about to get a lot worse.

Adam started crying as soon as he closed and locked his door. Fiddling with something in his pocket. Lucifer could see him playing with something as he sat on the edge of the bed.

It wasn't until Adam sat up straight that Lucifer saw it was the angelic needle Nifty originally used to kill him. Where the fuck did he find that!?

Lucifer really didn't plan to get involved when it came to his night watching, but Adam pressed the blade against his scar from the original attack, and start to push in far enough for his dark red blood to start welling up and running down his chest.

Lucifer: NO-!

Lucifer jumped into action. Snapping the blade out of his hands and placing it in Lucifer's hands.

Adam instantly jumped and looked around. Lucifer could see the pain in his big, golden eyes.

Adam: L-Luci-fer... Luci... ?

Lucifer couldn't bring himself to say anything as Adam looked around. He covered his mouth as he felt a tear fall. Adams eyes locked him his. Shit.

Adam: ...please...? Luci?

Lucifer squeezed his eyes shut.

Adam: Not even allowed to finish the job, huh...? I'm just g-giving them what they w-want...

He opened them slowly, and he heard the rustling of Adam's blankets.

That night was worse.

So much worse.

Lucifer has never seen Adam look so small even at his towering height of 11". Adam curled up, hugging a pillow as tightly as he can.

Adam cried to himself all night. He didn't fall asleep at all. Just cried and begged for Lucifer. For it all to end.

Lucifer finally learned how good Adams eye site was. Hed often looked directly at him but saw nothing.

All night, Lucifer just gripped the angelic blade and stood still all night, hoping Adam wouldn't hear his sobbing.

Dude my fucking heart 😭

Adam knew Lucifer was there, he had to be. Blades just don't evaporate out of your fucking hand.

Why couldn't he just let Adam die for good? Lucifer didn't even want him here, nobody did. Sure he started getting along well with Angel but big deal.

Other than height being a moth demon was fucking stupid. He could barely see! He even had to have the largest print enabled on his phone so he could see to use it.

Adam ran out of tears quickly, he was dehydrated from it and he wasn't exactly drinking water to put anything back.

Lucifer never wanted him, so why not just let Adam go? To torture him probably.

Oh look, Adam did still have some tears to cry.