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anjee0 · 18 days ago

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My brother's best friend

Chapter 3 ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

B Rabbit x Female!reader. (Feel free to put an oc insert if you wish as well)

Description - In which Y/n starts to become friends and possibly more with her brother's best friend, BRabbit.

Warnings - Throughout the series there will be: Mild swearing, Smut, Mentions of drugs and alcohol. (More warning to come throughout the series)

@tiny-gay-satan tagging u cos u love this series xx

Y/n wiped down the counters at the diner as she sighed heavily. She was still mad at Jordan the other night. The memories of last night quickly flashed by in her brain, occupying it as she tried to focus. All she could think about was Rabbit and how she had a great time with him last night. She'd never had anything like that before with any other guy.

Suddenly, the bell above the door chimed as it opened. Y/n looked up to see Carly entering the diner with a warm smile on her face. She sat down at the barstool and looked at Y/n sympathetically.

“Hey girl. I heard about what happened last night.” Carly said.

“You did?” Y/n asked.

“Yeah, everyone knows about the little feud Jordan and your little lover boy got in.”

“Wait? Everyone knows about that?”

“Yup. I'm pretty sure Papa Doc's gang were talking about it too.”

“Tha Free World? I hate those guys…”

“I know right, they're all so arrogant and full of themselves.” Carly scrunched up her face in disgust.

“Also, Rabbit is not my ‘lover boy’.” Y/n started putting air quotes around the words ‘lover boy’. “We're just friends.”

“I know, I'm just teasing. Do you think Jordan and Rabbit will apologise?”

“I hope. I don't want them fighting over something stupid. I feel guilty.” Y/n frowned as she looked away from Carly.

“Hey, it’s not your fault. Their boys, they’re gonna be immature.” Carly reassured her.

Y/n chuckled softly. “Yeah, I guess. It’s just, they’re best friends. They’ve known each other since high school, I don’t wanna ruin anything between them.”

“Well, if it’s really bothering you, then why don’t you try helping them apologise?”

“How would I do that? I’d just make things worse.”

As Carly tried to think of something, the bell above the door chimed again as it opened. Y/n and Carly look to see Rabbit entering the diner. He immediately laid his eyes on Y/n and gave her a soft smile before approaching her. Carly quickly smirked at her friend before getting up to move elsewhere.

“I’ll give you and lover boy some time.” She teased with a playful wink before sitting down at a booth.

Before Y/n could say anything, Rabbit was already sitting at the bar stool. The first few seconds were just silence as they looked at each other with softened expressions.

“Hey.” Rabbit said, softly.

“Hey.”

“I think we should talk about last night.”

“Yeah…”

“Listen, I wanna apologise to your brother but he definitely doesn’t wanna talk to me right now.”

“I can help.”

“You can?”

“Yeah but before that, I just wanna say sorry-”

“Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault.”

“I know but-”

Rabbit placed his hand on top of Y/n’s as his gaze lessened. She could see a spark in his eyes as he gently smiled at her and moved his thumb against her hand gently and slowly. His hand felt baby-soft, completely in contrast to his rough exterior.

“It’s not your fault. Stop apologising.” He whispered.

“Okay,” Y/n whispered back softly. “I’ll stop.”

“Now, tell me. Do you have any ideas?”

The following 2 hours consisted of them talking out ideas to try and sneakily get Jordan and Rabbit to meet up without getting anything to go wrong. It was difficult when Y/n was constantly switching between cleaning tables, taking orders, serving food and then talking to Rabbit again. Carly would glance at them every moment or so with a knowing smirk as she sipped on her chocolate milkshake or took a bite from her burger or chips.

“Okay, well that works for me.” Rabbit said, concluding the conversation.

“Right then. I’ll see you later.” Y/n replied.

‘Yeah. See you.” With those final words, Rabbit left the diner.

Immediately, Carly got up from her booth and approached Y/n and smiled at her. “You two going on another date?” She teased.

“No. We have a plan on getting Jordan and Rabbit to apologise to each other.” Y/n replied with a stern look on her face that matched her tone perfectly.

“Okay, but are you gonna act like him reaching for your hand never happened?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about!” Carly exclaimed. “You’re saying you completely missed out the part when he put his hand on yours?!”

“Oh, that. Well-”

“Oh, it’s okay Y/n. It's not your fault. How about we go on another date and make out with each other?” Carly said in a high pitched voice, clearly mocking Rabbit.

“Lower your voice.” Y/n replied. “You’re acting like a child. He didn’t say any of that.”

“Then what did he say?”

“He just told me to stop apologising and that it wasn't my fault.”

“Yeah, same thing. Y/n, he's into you and so are you. Shoot your shot.”

“We're just friends Carly. And even if I did like him, I'd probably focus on getting him and Jordan to apologise before trying anything.”

Y/n got home after her exhausting shift and immediately threw herself onto the couch. Her back ached and her muscles felt utterly sore. Her ears were ringing and she had a killer headache too, not the best combination.

“You alright?” Jordan asked as he entered the room.

“No, not really. I'm so tired from work.” Y/n replied. “Shit, I left my purse at the diner.” She groaned in realisation. “Can we go get it?”

“You want me to drive you to the diner?” Jordan asked.

“Well it's bad enough you didn't want pick me up from my shift!” Y/n exclaimed. “Had to walk with aching legs back home now I can't even get a ride.” Y/n complained as she shuffled to get up.

“Okay, okay. I'll drop you off there.” Jordan insisted.

Y/n smirked to herself at how gullible Jordan was as she got in his car. She hadn't actually forgotten her purse. She was only lying to get Jordan to drive to the diner where Rabbit was waiting.

Jordan parked his car in front the diner and looked over at his sister. “Go in and get it.”

“Actually…” Y/n began.

“Jeez, what did you do now?”

“Nothing! You just need to get out of the car.”

Jordan groaned I'm frustration as he unbcukled his seatbelt and got out of the car aggressively. Y/n couldn't help but chuckle at her brother's antics as she got out of the car.

Instead of her gong inside to the diner, she went around the back to a dark alleyway. Jordan scrunched up his face in confusion as he watched his sister going completely off task.

“Hey! Where the hell are you going?” Jordan asked.

Y/n didn't respond as she simply just continued to walk down the alleyway. Jordan quickly ran after her in a panic.

“Y/n Y/l/n! Stop walking away from me!” He shouted after her, sounding just like a concerned mother.

When he entered the alleyway, all he could see was a dead end that chips of brick falling off and muddy graffiti. He soon became panicked when he realised his sister wasn't there.

“Y/n?” He called out.

“Jordan.” A voice said.

He turned around to see Y/n and Rabbit standing behind him. His sister had a stern expression and Rabbit looked nervous buy tried to cover it with a neutral expression.

“What the hell is he doing here?” Jordan asked, feeling a spike of anger.

“Jordan, calm down.” Y/n said.

“Don't tell me to calm down! You bought me out here for nothing?”

“Not for nothing.” Rabbit interrupted. “Listen, man. I'm sorry, okay? I know asking your sister to hang out with me before asking you was wrong. And I know I should've told you before hand. I just don't want this ruin our friendship, man.”

The air was thick with tension as Jordan only stared at Rabbit with an unreadable expression. “Man, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have gotten mad.”

Rabbit smiled Jordan, feeling relieved at his response. “So we're good?”

“We're good.”

Jordan and Rabbit dapped each other up with their signature handshake before pulling each other into a hug. Y/n exhaled a sigh of relief she didn't realise she was holding. She was genuinely happy to see that her brother's friendship was mended.

“Hey, did you walk here? I didn't see your car at the car park.” Jordan asked.

“Nah man, I walked here.” Rabbit replied.

“Hey, I'll give you a ride home.”

“Nah man, it's fine.”

“Rabbit, no way you're walking home in this cold ass weather.”

“Alright, I'll come. Thanks man.”

During the car ride, Jordan and Rabbit were discussing the rap battle taking place next week on Friday. Y/n simply instead listened whilst looking out the window, watching as the houses and rundown buildings passed her eyes.

“You can drop me off here.” Rabbit said.

“Man, don't be stupid. I can drop you off at your home.” Jordan insisted.

“I know but-”

“Rabbit. I don't care about where you live. Y/n won't either. Don't be embarrassed.” He said as he continued driving.

Y/n looked over at Rabbit and gave him a soft smile, letting him know that what Jordan said was true and that he didn't have to worry. Rabbit smiled back, feeling reassured.

Jordan stopped in front of Rabbit's trailer and dapped him up before Rabbit got out of the car.

“Alright, I'll see you around man.” Jordan said as he rolled the window down.

“Yeah man, see you too.” Rabbit replied. “Oh, and Y/n. Lily asked if you could come over some time. She likes your company.”

Jordan turned to his sister and gave her a nod, letting her know she could go. Y/n smiled at her brother before looking back at Rabbit.

“Yeah, I can do that. How's tomorrow?” She asked.

“Tomorrow's good. 10 am?”

“Works for me.”

“Alright. I'll see you then. Goodnight you two.”

Jordan and Y/n bid Rabbit goodnight before they drove back home.

Y/n knocked on Rabbit's door and waited in anticipation. For some reason, she could feel a buzz of nervousness in her stomach making it's way around to the rest of her body. She didn't understand why she felt this way, she wasn't scared for all she knew.

The door opened to reveal Lily looking up at Y/n with glee through her adorable blonde bangs.

“Y/n!” She exclaimed before hugging her.

“Hey Lily.” Y/n replied with a wide smile on her face.

“Come in!”

Lily stepped aside for Y/n to enter. The place was pretty cramped but it had a cosy feel to it. Y/n spotted Rabbit making pancakes in the kitchen and she was a bit surprised to say the least.

He wasn't wearing one of those baggy hoodies she had only ever seen him in. Instead, he was wearing a white tank top that suited him perfectly. His arms were toned with muscles that looked incredibly hot. He wasn't wearing his beanie either, revealing his brown buzz cut. Rabbit put the last pancake on the plate then turned to smile at Y/n.

“Hey.” He said.

“Hey.” Y/n replied

“Did you have breakfast? I'm making pancakes.”

“I already ate at home.”

Rabbit nodded and kissed his teeth. “Uh, I should probably change this.” He said, looking down at his tank.

“Is it not hot?” Y/n blurted out. She could feel her cheeks burning up as the words left her mouth.

“It's November, Y/n.” Rabbit chuckled. “And of course you find it hot. You're wearing layers.” And by layers, he was referencing the shirt and baggy cardigan she was wearing.

Lily dragged Y/n over to the sofa and made her sit down. Lily took her little legs to the kitchen and took her plate of pancakes. She retreated to the sofa and placed the pancakes on her lap.

“When mum's not home, Jimmy let's me eat on the sofa and watch TV.” Lily giggled.

“He's a fun brother, huh?” Y/n asked.

“Yeah, I would've watched TV but I wanna talk to you.”

Y/n felt a cocoon of butterflies erupting in her heart as Lily said that. She smiled softly at her nodded. “I would love that.”

“Yay!” Lily cheered with a mouthful of pancakes. “So can we be friends?”

“Yeah, we can be friends.”

Lily giggled and continued talking to Y/n gleefully. Her brown eyes lighted up with excitement every time Y/n would answer some of her questions. She would continue to eat her pancakes as she listened carefully.

Rabbit came out of his room and leaned against the doorpost as he watched Y/n and Lily talking. Something about the way Y/n was soft and gentle with her tone when it came to talking to his sister made him feel something that he couldn't quite explain. He took his pancakes and sat with the girls on the couch.

“Jimmy's working on a new track and I think it's dope!” Lily said.

Rabbit chuckled and Lily's interesting word choice and ruffled her hair. “Thanks baby.”

“You should listen to it after we finish breakfast.” Lily said to Y/n.

“If it's okay with your brother.” Y/n said as she looked over at him with gentle smile.

“Yeah, why not?” He replied.

After breakfast, Rabbit bought Y/n into his and Lily's shared room. The girls sat on the bed whilst Rabbit sat on his chair and played the track.

If first started off with a few notes of the piano before it quickly changed to another beat, followed by Rabbit's voiced.

Yo, his palms are sweaty,

Knees weak,

Arms are heavy.

The lyrics played. Some parts of the song were left blank with no lyrics with only the beat playing.

“I left the parts I don't have lyrics for blank for now.” Rabbit explained.

“What do you think?” Lily asked.

“I like it. The beat’s nice. And your voice goes perfectly with it.” Y/n replied.

Rabbit smiled as he felt the tips of his ears heating up as they went pink. “Yeah, thanks.”

Time passed quickly as seconds struck like swift bolts of lightning. Rain pattered against the windows, making a calming rhythm of nature. The three of them were sitting around the table eating food Rabbit had prepared.

The warm food felt perfect against Y/n's tongue as her taste buds took in all the flavour, making a satisfying sensation for her. The scent of the food meandered through her nostrils, making her want to take more.

“You're a great cook, Rabbit.” Y/n complimented him.

“Thanks. But pancakes and lasagna are the only things I can make.” Rabbit replied.

“You can make sandwiches too!” Lily said, with little bits of sauce and cheese on the corners of the mouth.

“Anyone can make sandwiches.” Rabbit said as he took a napkin and cleaned the remnants of food off Lily's face.

“Can I?” Lily asked, her voice piqued with curiosity.

“Yeah, it's easy. 2 pieces of bread with some type of filling.”

The rest of the dinner was carried out by a comfortable silence and the sounds of cutlery clinking as they hit the plate. The silence was quickly disrupted when Rabbit's mum arrived home.

“Hey sweeties.” Stephanie said, greeting her children. She then saw Y/n sitting at the table, with a smile on her face. “Oh, Rabbit, you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend.”

Embarrassment radiated off Y/n's face as her heat rose to her cheeks and to her ears, making her flustered.

“Ma, she's not my girlfriend. She's just a friend.” Rabbit groaned.

“Oh, sorry.” She apologised. “I'm Stephanie by the way.”

“I'm Y/n, nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. Say, you look quite familiar…”

“She's Jordan's sister.” Rabbit said.

“Oh, no wonder! You two look so alike!”

The four of them chatted with each other, catching up on highlights for the day before Stephanie decided to retreat to her room. They also eventually finished their dinner and Y/n insisted she could help with the washing up.

Rabbit helped tuck Lily into bed whilst Y/n watched from the doorstop, a soft look in her eyes. He sang a quiet and gentle song to his sister to help her sleep. His voice sounded like an angel, beautiful and pure. When Lily eventually drifted to sleep, he placed a soft kiss on her forehead before turning the lights off and leaving the room.

“You're a good brother, you know.” Y/n said as they both sat on the couch.

“Thanks. But sometimes it just feels like I'm not.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I just have this voice in my head that's telling me that she's growing up in a shitty trailer park because of me. That we're broke because of me. And I know it's my deadbeat dad to blame for, but I can't help that it's my fault. I want to give her the best. I can't do that.”

Y/n held Rabbit's hand, her fingertips grazing his silken hand as she traced every detail on it. She could feel her stomach twisting in nervousness as she did.

“Rabbit, you're a great brother. Lily looks so happy. Everytime I looked at her, she would always be smiling at you. She loves you Rabbit and she would definitely say that you're a great brother. And nothing is your fault, okay?”

Rabbit smiled softly as his grip on Y/n's hand tightened slightly. “Thanks. That means a lot.”

Y/n looked at the clock on the wall. She read as she realised that it was getting late. She immediately got up and dusted herself off. Some parts of her wanted to keep holding his hand.

“I need to go. It's getting late.” She said.

“I'll drop you off.” Rabbit offered.

“No, it's fine. I can walk.”

“No way. It's not safe for girls to walk here during this time of night.”

Y/n sighed “Fine.”

He grabbed his beanie and put it over his, then adjusted it slightly. He got his car keys as Y/n followed him out. They got in the car, feeling a wave or warmth hit their face, a complete contrast to the icy air outside.

The car ride had no exchange of words as quiet jazz music played from the radio. When they reached Y/n's house she took one last look at Rabbit and smiled.

“Thank you. I had a lot of fun.” She said, softly.

“Me too.”

Without any warning, she reached in for an embracing hug. A caring warmth radiated their bodies and they put their arms around each other.

“I'll see you.” Y/n said after she pulled away.

“Yeah, see you.”

She got out of the car and went inside as she heard Rabbit's car driving away. Jordan was still at work. After getting into bed, she softly smiled to herself as she rewound the core memories of today. She felt a bud of happiness blooming in her heart.

A/N: thinking about making this a mini series with 6-7 chapters. Chapters may be a little longer though.

#eminem #eminem x reader #slim shady #slim shady x reader #marshall mathers #marshall mathers x reader #8 mile #b rabbit #b rabbit x reader #jimmy smith jr #jimmy smith jr x reader

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whatdoeseverybodywant · 8 months ago

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JEY RIZZO - JEY USO X Kabana Love (OC)

Request: Okay so yk how the raw before war games when they were mentioning how they needed a 5th member? Well, this universe, it’s a mixed war games so Rhea is in. Cody makes his “call” Randy and a former NXT, newly signed Keiarie or Kabana Love for her ring debut with them. Mr. Main Event takes a notice to her and tries to yk, get his game on the whole night with her.

Thank you for the request @shantinextdoor. I hope you like it 🫶🏽.

taglist: @christinabae @southerngirl41 @reci1996 @jeyusos-girl @melaninsugababy @baconeggndcheez @bemybabiibish @purplehairgawdess @jstarr86 @nbanenefrmdao @alyyaanna @arination99 @empressdede @harmshake @m3llowww @theninthwonder @leaderofthebadbitchbrigade @badbitchcentralinc @bebesobrielo @vensusworld

“Well if it isn’t Miss Kabana Love..” Kabana smirked and excused herself from her conversation with Kelani Jordan and turned around to face The American Nightmare himself.

“Well if it isn’t Mr former executive vice president.” She shot back, laughing when he rolled his eyes. “You not down here tryna become NXT champion are you?” She asked teasingly as she pulled him into a hug.

Cody laughed. “Nope” he said, popping the ‘p’ “got a special invitation to come down here to watch the show from Shawn”. Kaiarie nodded

“Okay well, unlike you some of us have to work. ” She smirked, patting her NXT Women’s Championship that was wrapped around her waist. “But we should get dinner after.”

“Oh totally.” Cody said, nodding his head. “I missed you busting my balls every chance you get.” Kabana and Cody glared at each other before breaking out into smiles. “Come find me after your match”. She gave him a thumbs up before waving as he walked away, both of them oblivious to the two sets of eyes watching them.

“The following match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the NXT women’s championship!” Kabana took a deep breath and shook out her stage fright jitters and her theme song started to blare through the performance center.

She smiled as she appeared at the top of the stage listening to the fans chant her name as she held up her championship, her opponent in the ring already glaring daggers at her. “Making her way to the ring, from Chicago, Illinois Kabana Love!” She entered the ring walking up to Tiffany Stratton and started talking her shit, title raised high in the air.

Kabana smirked as the referee stepped in between them, separating them and pushing them to their respective corners.

As soon as the bell rang the smirk was off of Kabana’s face, it was game time. It was honestly one of her better matches with her and Tiffany trading move after move, near fall after near fall and the crowd was louder than ever.

It was now nearing the end of the match and Kabana had just got her knees up to block Tiffany’s Prettiest Moonsault Ever and was about to set her up for the Love Tap when someone jumping on the ring apron distracted her. Both Kabana and the referee looked at Dominik Mysterio in confusion.

“Are you fucking lost?” Kabana spat at him, rolling her eyes at the dumb little smirk on his face.

“What the hell?” She heard Vic Joseph say as she was grabbed from behind. “That’s Rhea Ripley Book, what the hell is she doing here.” Before Kabana could react she was set up for the Riptide and planted firmly on the mat. Rhea rolled out of the ring and wrapped her arm around Dom’s waist as the both made their way back up the ramp, smirking at all the boos they were receiving.

Tiffany took advantage of the situation and set Kabana up for another Prettiest Moosault Ever.

1-2-3 ding ding ding

“Here’s your winner and the NEW NXT women’s champion. Tiffany Stratton.” Kabana laid in the ring, glaring up at the ceiling as Tiffany celebrated with her championship.

“Bull-shit! Bull-shit!” she heard the crowd chant and she couldn’t agree more. What just happened was complete bullshit. She had never had a run in with Rhea or any of the other judgment day members, so why in the fuck did Rhea just come out here and cost her the title?

Kabana was livid as she made her way backstage, trying to find Rhea before being told that she and Dominik were already gone from the building. “You alright?” Kabana sighed and turned to face Cody. “That was bullshit and 100 percent my fault.” Kabana narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. “They approached me after they saw us talking earlier, thought I was trying to recruit you for our War Games match.”

Kabana scoffed and shook her head in disbelief. “Isn’t that fucking great. On everything I love Rhea better watch out cause she gon get hers.” She said placing a hand on her lower back as it began to ache again. “You still need a member?” Cody nodded with a hopeful look in his eyes and Kabana smirked. “Count me in then Rhodes, bitch got something coming to her.” Cody smirked and placed his hands in his suit pants pocket. Rhea had no idea of the beast she had just awoken inside of Kabana.

Monday Night Raw

Kabana smirked as she made her way through the crowd dressed in all black. It was time for Rhea to reap what she sowed.

Rhea was leaning against the ring post laughing as Jey was getting his ass kicked by Judgement Day and Drew Mcintyre. The smirk was wiped off her face as a figure in black jumped the barricade. She looked around for security before she was knocked onto her ass by a mean right hook.

Kabana took off her hood and glared down at Rhea. She heard the crowd roar as they recognized her but she kept her eyes on Rhea who was backing away slowly. “Oh you done fucked up now.” Kabana snarled and as soon as Rhea tried to get up Kabana pounced, tackling her back down to the floor, throwing blow after blow. Rhea pushed Kabana off her and got to her feet only to be knocked back down by a superkick from Kabana.

“You thought you could cost me my title and there be no repercussions?” Kabana asked a knocked out Rhea. “Bitch are you dumb?” She rolled her eyes as Dom came over and helped Rhea to her feet, helping her walk over to where the rest of the team were standing.

“I’m so happy you guys won the advantage.” She heard Cody yell into the mic as she rolled into the ring to join her team. She paced behind the men, eyes still glaring at Rhea.. “I’m so glad you have a star like Drew McIntyre with you.. Because we’re not alone.” Cody trailed off and Kabana cut her eyes over at him then at Jey who was already looking at Cody. She had heard him talking about Randy joining them but she wasn’t sure he accepted.

“We found a sixth member. Somebody that I.. have a legacy with.” Kabana started to smirk. This War Games team was stacked and she couldn’t wait to get her hands on Rhea inside of the cage.

Survivor Series: WarGames

Kabana smiled at Adam Pierce as she handed him back his pen. She was officially a member of the Raw roster and after War Games her first order of business was taking that title away from Rhea.

“Aww shit.” She heard somebody say from behind her. “Was that a contract I just saw you sign?” Jey Uso asked as he walked closer to her. Kabana nodded her head with a smile on her face. “Good, so that means I get to see more of you.” Kabana furrowed her eyebrows. Was he flirting with her? “Happy you on our team tonight too. We definitely winning.” He said rubbing his hands together.

“Are we gonna be graced with another wonderful press conference?” She asked, smirking at the way his cheeks turned a shade of pink.

“Hell no!” He exclaimed as they started walking towards the dressing rooms. “And I put the blame all on ya boy Cody. Uce was giving me shot after shot.” He scratched the back of his neck. “It was embarrassing as hell too. I was stumbling all over my words and shit..” He trailed off with a shake of his head.

“I thought it was kinda cute..” She said, eyeing him up and down. He looked extremely good in his War Games ring gear. The blue and camo mix looked good on him.

“Stop flirting with my protégé Uce.” Cody came up to the two of them, wrapping his arm around Kabana’s shoulder. “You ready for tonight?”

“Hell yeah, I’m ready to get my hands on Rhea. Stupid bitch been subbin’ me on twitter all damn week.” Kabana said, rolling her eyes and unzipping her hoodie, showing off her new ring attire.

“Damn K.” Jey said, choking on his words as she did a slow 360 for him.

“It’s cute right? I figured I needed something new.” Cody watched as Jey hungrily looked Kabana up and down, a slight smirk on his face. “I’ll catch up with y’all in a bit though.” she ran off an extra pep in her step feeling Jey's eyes on her.

“Have you no shame?” Cody asked, laughing when Jey shook his head ‘no’

“Nah, so uh- what’s the deal with you two?” Jey asked, eyes never leaving Kabana’s frame until she rounded the corner out of his line of vision. “You and her.. You know?”

“Hell no!” The American Nightmare exclaimed. “Brandi would kill me.”

“So I can..” Jey said pointing in the direction Kabana went and Cody nodded, laughing.

“So whatchu doin after this?” Josh asked Kabana, ignoring the looks from the rest of their teammates who were locked in the cage at the top of the ramp with them. Kabana stopped her staring contest with Rhea to cut her eyes over at Jey.

“Huh?”

“Like after the show, you wanna go get dinner or something..” Sami and Cody startled to chuckle at the look of bewilderment on her face.”

“Wait, you’re asking me out.. In the middle of our match.”

“You know what they say, Carpe Diem or something like that.” He smiled, his grillz gleaming in the bright lights.

“Jey, i’m pretty sure, it’s gonna be like 2 am once we actually get out of here.” Jey nodding then stepped out of the cage as the referee opened it.

“Okay, then my hotel room.” He winked, “Think about it.” he pointed at her and smiled before running down to the ring to help out Seth Rollins.

“I can’t believe i’m actually doing this.” Kabana muttered to herself as she stepped off the elevator onto the 3rd floor. She exhaled a shaky, nervous breath before knocking on the door that matched the number Jey had told her earlier before leaving the arena.

She rolled her eyes with a chuckle as he opened the door with a wide smile. “Finally, the food was starting to get cold..”

🫣 i hope you don't hate it. Thank you for trusting me with your request @shantinextdoor 🫶🏽`

#jey uso x reader #jey uso x black reader #jey uso imagine #fic request #jey uso fanfic #jey uso fluff #jey uso fanfiction #jey uso fic

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jaegeraether · 10 months ago

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Sunsets and footballers (Part 60)

Lucy Bronze x Reader (52) / Alexia Putellas x Character (20) & Jordan Nobbs x Leah Williamson (10)

Masterlist (other parts here)

Join our WOSO Discord chat! Link in bio :)

((**6.1k**))

YFN POV

“Was that Alexia?” Lucy asked, surprised.

“Yeah,” YFN murmured, just as shocked.

“Calling you?”

She met Lucy’s green eyes – the ones that made the butterflies in her tummy do somersaults. “Don’t be jealous, Luce.” She teased, knowing full well that she wasn’t.

Lucy rolled her eyes. “Is she okay?” She asked as she bent in front of the bed and patted YFN’s thigh. “Up you get, little one.”

YFN shuffled to the edge of the bed and pressed herself against Lucy’s strong back, wrapping her arm around her front and her good leg around her waist while the other stayed straight in her brace. Lucy stood and walked them to the bathroom. They had gotten used to getting around the house in all different ways, Lucy insisting on helping her everywhere.

YFN put her nose to the back of Lucy’s hair and breathed in her smell. She always smelled extra sweet after she’d just woken.

“She wants to talk… and also said Barca wants an update call with you two…” she murmured as she planted a soft, lingering kiss to the back of her neck in appreciation.

Lucy hummed happily. “Thank you for that.”

She placed her down gently on the sink in the bathroom and pulled the high stool to rest her leg on. At this point, they were a well-oiled operation.

“She’s coming over?”

“Yeah, I thought it’ll be good for her. I told her I’m interviewing you today and suggested that we can talk after it, but she said she wants to come and watch and be interviewed as well.”

“It does make sense doing hers soon as we won’t know when she’s headed back…” Lucy agreed as she removed her sling, and her shirt. The cool air of the bathroom hardened YFN’s nipples immediately and Lucy gave a smirk as she ducked down to kiss them. “Hello, friends.”

“You’re a child.”

“I hope not, otherwise we’ve got a real problem on our hands.”

YFN scoffed as Lucy put waterproof coverings over her collarbone bandage, and her arm cast. “You’re the cougar here.”

“It’s okay, mummy’s here.”

“Oh god, Luce.”

Lucy chuckled at her own joke as she usually did and finished taping the top of the soft plastic around her arm cast. She put a hand on the sink either side of her and leant it. “Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy hearing me say that.”

YFN bit her lip instead of responding and Lucy leant in, her lips brushing over her bruising, her dimples, her lips. YFN gave a soft, agreeing sigh as she leant into her, but Lucy had already retreated teasingly with a smirk. She gave her a soft peck on the forehead before moving her attention down to wiggle the sleeping shorts and underwear from YFN. It was embarrassing for her; having to be looked after, though Lucy was so kind, so patient, and never made fun of her for it.

She was now naked sitting on the sink and trying to keep her arm still as if the sling were still on, all the while watching Lucy and blushing. The footballer was getting a large black bin bag that they’d been using to cover her knee brace while she showered which she was also ashamed to admit she was embarrassed at.

Lucy looked up at her, perhaps because of her silence, and saw her red cheeks. “Oh, little one. No need to be embarrassed, okay? It’s just me.”

She put the bag down and came close again, peppering little kisses onto her cheek. “I can’t help it. I wish I could…”

“Here…” Lucy stepped back and YFN watched as she stripped herself naked, putting their clothes into the laundry basket. She put her arms out and gave a little wiggle that made YFN laugh. “Now we’re even.”

“I think it’s less about the nakedness and more about the bin bag. But I do appreciate the view…”

Lucy winked as she came close again. “Little one, you could be in a crowd of people all dressed up in their little suits and dresses, and even wearing nothing but a bin bag, you’d still be the most beautiful.” She leant down and kissed her gently, pausing only to murmur against her lips. “And you’d be the only thing I’d see.”

They kissed slowly, loving; their tongues meeting briefly before a cold shiver from YFN had Lucy pulling away and sliding the bin bag over her leg. “Come on, we need to get you warm.”

“I still can’t handle this.”

“Calm down Bree, you’re acting like a fan,” Emily teased.

“But we are fans,” Bridget insisted as they looked out the large glass doors of the living room to where Lucy and Alexia were sitting together outside on a video call to Barcelona management. As if she knew they were talking about her, Lucy looked over and lifted her sunglasses up to flash her a wink. YFN returned a knowing smile from her position at the dining table; her work spread out in front of her.

“You’ve met Lucy before-” YFN started.

“-briefly!” Bridget interjected.

“And they’re both lovely.”

“And apparently Alexia is single too…” Emily muttered as if day-dreaming.

“Right here, Em.” Bridget groaned.

“Alright you two, less gawking and more prepping.”

Bridget and Emily had arrived shortly before Alexia and almost had a heart attack. It had apparently been bad enough for them to prepare themselves for filming an interview with Lucy, let alone la Reina herself.

YFN let them finish setting up their camera and the backdrop against the wall of the living room for the interview photos. YFN went through a few more questions she had to ask Alexia, as her interview had been a last-minute addition. When she arrived, she’d agreed to do it in English and so YFN made a note to use clear speech and simple wording. She was going to ask if she wanted Ridley there for translations, but she had chosen not to mention her just yet. She was always just a phone call away, and they could always edit it anyways.

Alexia came back inside from the video call first and YFN watched as Emily nervously directed her through how to stand and sit for her photos. A grey figure appeared suddenly next to her and she jumped, wincing at her collarbone as Chiquito rubbed his cheek against her jaw for attention.

“Hey little man,” she greeted with a kiss on the cheek. “Missing mum?”

That had been a surprise to YFN, when Alexia had arrived with Chiquito. She knew how much he meant to Ridley.

His attention turned to watch Alexia posing politely for photographs while YFN started to work again… until her phone rang. Reading a line, she picked it up without checking to see who it was.

“Hello, YFN speaking.”

“Hey YFN, it’s Leah…”

“Oh! Hey mate, how are you?”

“Yeah good, good.”

“How’s the training coming along?”

“Yeah, really good. Not fully back training just yet, I will be soon.”

“But you’re running again?!”

“It feels great to be fair. Really good being around the girls again too. I’m sick of not being able to play.” She sounded a little frustrated which was completely understandable. “Oh shit, I’m sorry. Here I am complaining about me while you’re stuck as home all bandaged up.”

YFN chuckled as Lucy now approached her and wrapped her arms around her from behind. “It’s okay, Leah. It means more time with Lucy which is never enough. She’s been really amazing the way she’s looked after me. I feel like a newborn.”

“Remember that I can help out too…”

“I will and I appreciate the offer. Now, what can I do for you? Are you just checking up or…?”

“I… look I’ll be honest, I want to talk to you about Jordan. We’re meeting up tomorrow night and you’re good to talk to about these things. Are you busy today?”

Lucy nuzzled into her hair while YFN looked around. “Uh… yeah kind of. I’m doing interviews for Lucy and Alexia today so we’re just at Lucy’s place-”

“-our place,” Lucy interjected too quiet for Leah to hear.

“Our place,” she corrected. “With two girls from Lumos to do some filming. Are you not training today?”

“No, not today. Physio today. The girls are training hard for the game tomorrow.”

“Ah… well I can let you know when I’m free after if you want? Lucy is taking Alexia to a boxing class later on.”

“I mean, I could just come over now if that’s okay? I’ll bring you all some lunch if you want.”

She felt Lucy nodding eagerly against the back of her head and she chuckled. “That would be amazing, thanks! A bit of this has been last minute, so we haven’t actually organised lunch yet.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in half an hour.”

They hung up and Lucy’s lips found her cheek. “I fell in love with a real problem-solver, didn’t I?”

Lucy took her photos, grinning in some, almost smouldering in others and YFN had to work hard to pay attention to what she was doing.

“So just talk normally, like we’re having a usual conversation. Any time you want to pause, we can. Any time you need to find an answer first, we’ll edit those parts out. And if you need a translation, I can organise that too.”

“Ridley?” Alexia asked.

YFN nodded hesitantly. “Is that okay?”

She nodded in agreement as something crossed behind her eyes. YFN put a hand on her arm to bring her back. “We’ll talk after the interviews, okay?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay.”

“I’m done,” Lucy said, joining them at the table. “Who’s going first?”

“Alexia first and then you, but I’m more than happy for you to get involved from off camera in each other’s interviews. It’ll make it feel a bit more normal and relaxed.”

“Oh, I can do that,” she grinned.

Bridget and Emily finished packing their camera away and joined them; YFN using the opportunity to discuss with them all the plan and what she expected. All five of them spoke a little more until it was time to begin the interview and they moved to the couch.

“Up you come, little one.” Lucy murmured as she picked her up and carried her to the couch. She blushed at a few looks she received but she wasn’t embarrassed. Lucy settled her down into a comfortable position on the couch, making sure her water was close by, and her notes, as Alexia settled down facing her with one leg folded up. She looked comfortable, though a little nervous which YFN was confident would disappear after a few minutes.

And it did. Alexia relaxed into the interview and YFN with it, as she was just as new to the concept as the footballer. They started off with football, mentioning YFN’s own current disabilities and Alexia able to show that comforting side of her. Lucy hopped in with a few cheeky comments of course, though stayed silent as the conversation moved a little bit more serious as they spoke about her family. Her English was easily understandable, even when she was struggling a little emotionally talking about her dad. As if he knew, Chiquito jumped up onto her lap and settled there as if he were Alexia’s pet. She paused to see if she should put him down, but YFN just smiled and segued the conversation back into the fun. Into the side of the footballer that people didn’t usually hear about like her hobbies, holiday destinations, personal quirks etc.

Leah arrived towards the end of the interview and could do nothing to avoid the camera as she came in with apologies. She pulled the sunglasses up to hold back her hair and leant over the couch to greet Alexia and YFN with a kiss on the cheek.

“Sorry! Sorry, I’ll move.” She apologised as she put the few bags of food that she was carrying, off camera.

YFN loved it, though. It felt relaxed, and real. She knew it’d be something she’d keep in the interview. People rarely saw players like Alexia and Leah interact.

The interview took about thirty minutes in total, and then they stopped for a lunch break with the food Leah had brought them.

“Did you get this from that café around the corner?” Lucy asked as she sucked some sauce from her thumb.

“Yeah it had some good reviews, so I thought I’d try it. You’ve been there?”

“One of my favourites.” She said as if not wanting to waste time talking when she could be eating.

“Are you all sorted for tomorrow?” Leah asked YFN.

“Oh, yes. I organised a lot of it from the hospital, and so everybody’s prepped for the games on Sunday… tomorrow.”

“Where are you two going to be?” Leah asked Bridget and Emily who were watching the conversation like a tennis match, almost too nervous to speak.

“We’re doing the Gunners, Hammers game at Meadow Park,” Emily said with a smile.

“They’re Gooners so I try to keep them close to your club,” YFN explained.

A piece of salad fell out of her sandwich and Lucy was quick to help.

“Let me cut it up for you, little one.”

She gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as she took her plate and cut her sandwich up into smaller pieces, so it was easier to eat with one hand. She didn’t miss the longing looks that Alexia and Leah flashed their way.

“Are you going to the Lioness games next week?” YFN asked Leah, hoping the subject wouldn’t be tender.

She nodded. “I was hoping you could come with me, if you’re comfortable with it?”

“I’d be happy to go if the doctor clears me to start putting a little weight on my leg next week…”

“To Scotland?” Lucy asked, worried.

“Maybe… I know it’s important for you…”

“…and we’ll get better seats if we have you with us. And better access.”

“Not good reasoning,” Lucy said protectively while YFN chuckled.

“I think it’s great reasoning, Luce. Plus, I love seeing you play for England. You’re a maniac.”

“She’s more…careful at Barcelona,” Alexia agreed.

“She’s very good in the important games,” YFN said, enjoying teasing her as she took a cut up piece of her sandwich and ate it.

“Yes yes, very scary,” Alexia said and her accent made it that much funnier.

“Okay, is it attack Lucy day?” Lucy grumbled as she took another bite.

As the girls were tidying up after lunch, Lucy was helping YFN change her clothes and settle back onto the couch ready for their interview. She wanted to look like it was filmed on a different day.

“Little one?” She said quietly.

“That’s my name.”

“Are you okay if I go to the Arsenal game tomorrow afternoon? I wanted to ask Alexia at boxing if she wants to go…”

YFN knew full well that Lucy wasn’t an Arsenal supporter, she was a Man City supporter having had played for them, and so she knew that her objective was to keep Alexia entertained. “You’re a good person, Luce.”

Lucy smiled. They’d done that thing where they’d communicated without communicating.

“Thanks.” She gave her a kiss on the cheek. “And maybe I’ll ask Leah…”

“Not Leah.”

Lucy’s head tilted in question. “No?”

“No…”

Lucy could see she had something else in mind and didn’t question it. “Okay then. Maybe Ridley will want to come over and spend time with you?”

“Sure, if she’s back…”

“Back?”

Before she could answer, the girls were back around them and they settled in for their interview, sitting much closer than she and Alexia had been, with Narla joining them on the couch.

Lucy was such a natural in front of camera. She was so confident, cocky even and very flirty which made YFN have to hide a grin back to her, though she knew her dimples were giving her away. She gave the same attitude back, proudly drawing goofy grins out of Lucy during the interview.

She’d conducted it the same way as Alexia’s. They’d started with football, both Leah and Alexia throwing comments in off camera that she either answered or was teased with, then they moved to a bit more depth when speaking about her family and the bullying nature of the industry, and then finishing with happiness, fun, flirting, food, Spain, Narla. She’d had no idea that Lucy would be so openly flirting with her, though she didn’t mind it, it gave it more character and showed a side of Lucy the public didn’t really get to see that often. Anything more personal, she would keep just for themselves.

“Can we do player on player?” Lucy asked when they were done.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Leah and I, maybe?”

Alexia looked confused but YFN knew she was giving the two time to speak alone. She nodded. “If Leah is comfortable with it…”

“I can’t promise anything will be postable,” she laughed. “But sure, let’s do it.”

“Okay, I have a list of generic questions you two can use if you’d like.” YFN said and gave them each a copy so they’d have something to work with.

Lucy helped YFN make her way outside to their outdoor seating with Alexia where they still had a good view of the pair inside being filmed chatting away by Emily and Bridget.

“Ah, I wonder what Lucia was doing,” Alexia admitted.

“She’s pretty good at subtlety,” YFN admitted as she watched her laughing away with Leah as she pet Narla between them.

“Yes, she is. I didn’t know that until she… met you.”

YFN was aware that Alexia and Lucy had gotten much closer recently and that’s why she’d only just learnt that about her.

“You wanted to talk?”

“Si… yes… Ridley.”

“I assumed so. I noticed you had Chiquito…”

Alexia smiled at the cat who was getting attention from Emily as Bridget filmed.

“She gave him me when you said I was lonely.”

She always knew Ridley was chivalrous but that was something else. That was romance. “That’s a pretty big gesture.”

Alexia nodded. “She save me yesterday.”

“What happened?!”

“My knee was frustrating me and so I push myself hard to… to see if it can help but I overwork my body.”

“And Riddles was with you?”

“No… no she sees me and take… taken me back to the home and look after me.”

“She was just stopping by to see how you were doing and found you?”

“Si.”

“And that upset you?”

“No… it was nice. She look after me with food and my knee…” she made a gesture.

“…massaging?” YFN suggested.

“Si, massaging and… and we had nice day and dinner and she make alarm for me to wake up for Meg.”

“Meg the physio?”

“Si. She… si.”

She didn’t feel good about the way she avoided speaking about Meg. “What aren’t you saying?”

Alexia sighed and averted her eyes. “We argue.”

“Argued about what?”

“About her carry me.”

“Ah. She’s used to that, though.”

“Yes, she say that. She talk something about SERE?”

She understood where it was going. “SERE training? Yes.”

“I make her tell me…”

“Ah.” It was one thing that Ridley hated speaking about. That, and her family. “Did she tell you?”

“She say… she say they break her. Drown a…and starve and…” she gestured again.

“Tortured?”

“Si.” Alexia’s eyes met hers. “It is true?”

“It’s worse that you can ever imagine. Riddles was being kind. They make them unbreakable. They do all of that and… they even sexually humiliate them.”

“Humil…” Alexia started. YFN found the translation and showed her and watched her face pale. “This… this is why she…”

“Why she sleeps around? One of the reasons, yes. She’s very comfortable with her body.”

“She does not open to me.”

“She’s…” YFN let out a large sigh. “She’s very complicated and very simple at the same time. She hasn’t broken, I’m assuming?”

Alexia shook her head. “She… she tells me to go with Meg.”

That didn’t surprise her. Ridley would want her to be happy and from what Alexia hadn’t said, Meg liked her.

YFN wondered just how much she should say. She thought for a minute about what would be best for Ridley. Was Alexia what was best for her? She saw the way they acted around each other, and it was almost like herself and Lucy. Lucy. She looked inside and found her looking at her, still talking to Leah. She’d always wanted Ridley to find someone to make her happy, to fully open up to. Someone other than herself.

YFN reached out and gently took Alexia’s fingers in her own and met her eyes.

“Alexia… she won’t break. She won’t break, because if she does… she will lose herself.” Alexia’s eyes flooded with questions. “One of the only reasons she got through the military, through the deaths and the lives she took and the torture…” She almost choked on that word. “Was because she wasn’t doing it for herself. She told herself again and again that she wouldn’t break because of us. Me. Her brother. Her mum. And so, if she lets herself give in, then she’ll essentially be losing her anchor. The one thing to keep her grounded and sane. That love she buries so deep.”

Alexia’s eyes flooded with tears. “So… so there is no way… no way to love for her? No way to let me in?”

YFN’s heart broke for her. “She doesn’t believe so…”

A tear broke free from each eye and Alexia wiped them away with her spare hand. YFN squeezed the fingers she was holding. “But I do.”

Her head whipped up. “You do?”

“I really do.”

“How?” The question was almost whispered and YFN was worried she would feel like she was betraying her friend, but she felt the opposite. Like she was saving her.

“She needs to know you’re not going anywhere.” Alexia listened eagerly, and empathetically. “She lost her mum. Brother. Almost me. Friends. So many friends. She needs to know that you’re here to stay and that you won’t leave her. She never attaches because she thinks she’ll lose them and it hurts her too deep. So don’t try to break her. Let her pull you into her bubble herself. It will take a long time, and it’ll be frustrating and maybe feel like you aren’t getting anywhere with her, but you will be. I promise. You’ve already started and you haven’t even noticed….”

Alexia blinked and YFN knew she was thinking about the ten months she’d admired her from afar.

“She… want a home.”

YFN nodded. “She does. She planned on making us one but I have Luce now…” The thought of a home with Lucy was heart warming to her, though she felt horrible that Ridley didn’t have that same feeling. “Because Lucy is my home. She made that apartment in London for her brother… she made a home in Australia for her mum. But all of that is just material. Look close enough, Alexia, and you’ll see she’s trying to find a home, and she doesn’t even know that she’s doing it. She doesn’t realise that home is about people. Or… a person.”

Alexia fiddled with her fingers, and YFN knew she was doing it subconsciously.

“Alexia, please… please don’t break her heart. Don’t try to force her. Don’t try to break her. And if you don’t have any intention on being there for her whenever she needs then please… walk away now. I’m saying this as someone who loves her so, so much, you have no idea.” YFN felt herself tearing up. “We’ve been through everything together, and I couldn’t handle it if you hurt her.”

“You love her.”

“I do. I really, really do. And I would drop everything to pick up the broken pieces of her and put her back together again. But please, don’t put her in that situation. She’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. She deserves everything good.”

“I won’t hurt her…”

“You’re going to stay?”

Alexia nodded, as if it were the only choice. “Yes, I stay.”

“You have my number. You call me or text me anytime, okay?”

“I will.” Her voice was husky.

“You need to let her know you’re not going anywhere…” she repeated. “That you’re ‘right here’.”

After the Lionesses were done with their player on player, Bridget and Emily passed YFN the footage and left, taking the spare sandwiches and pastries upon Leah’s insistence, YFN making sure to compliment them on how well they did. Shortly after, Lucy and Alexia headed out to their boxing session in the city. Lucy had made time before they left, however, to quietly make sure YFN was okay after seeing her red eyes, ducking down next to her and letting her know just how much she loved her.

“You’re an amazing friend, little one. An amazing person. An amazing girlfriend. I’m so lucky. I love you.” She’d whispered to her; the two sharing a kiss before she went.

“Luce… come back to me,” she’d murmured in return, giving her a longing look. It felt strange to say, as they’d been inseparable the past week, but she wanted her. Always. Especially after the conversation she’d had with Alexia.

“I’ll be back before you know it, love. I’ll bring dinner home.”

“I love a breadwinner.”

She’d grinned, teasingly. “That’s mummy to you.”

“Argh,” She’d replied, disgusted, and shoved her and pointed to the door. “Go, cougar.”

“Isn’t there only three years between you two?” Leah asked as Lucy chuckled her way to the front door.

“Yes, but the maturity differences evens it out… and then some.”

She heard Lucy scoff from the doorway as it clicked shut, and then there were two.

“You must feel pretty attached to that couch by now…” Leah said.

“Oh, you have no idea. Pretty sure my body is imprinted on it.”

She let out a chuckle. “So, it appears I’m not the only therapy you’re giving today.”

“Did Lucy say…?”

She shook her head. “No, I saw you two out the window. Alexia and Ridley, right?”

“Yeah. It’s much, much more complicated than your situation.”

“Have you spoken to Jordan?”

“Yeah a bit actually. She doesn’t like Birmingham too much, I think.”

“Do you feel like you’re missing your home there?”

Chiquito launched up onto the couch, finding interest in Leah before climbing his way over a now sleeping Narla, to settle in YFN’s lap.

“Is it too corny to say that I feel like I’m missing my home whenever I’m without Lucy?”

“A little.” She agreed. “But I know exactly how you feel.”

“Like you’re missing your home without her?”

She nodded. “I’ve struggled over a year without her. I miss her and Blu and our home. She used to live with me in London and we’d see each other every day and then… then I ruined both of our lives.”

“You did it to protect her.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“No, it doesn’t. Because you should have done it with her.”

“I know,” she admitted, not able to look up from the couch. “She’s my person and I just… I fucked it up.”

YFN didn’t let that negativity sit long. “Dory said you protected her the other week from the paparazzi…”

“I told them not to approach her or harass her and they didn’t listen.”

“But you told them. That meant a lot to her.”

Her eyes came up to meet YFN’s. “It did? I was worried she’d feel like I was going behind her back.”

“On the contrary, she thought it showed how much you cared.”

Leah’s shoulders dropped, a little relieved.

“And she also said you and she had a really, really good night.”

“It wasn’t perfect.”

“Perfection isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s about the imperfections, the working together, the unknown. She was telling me in the hospital all about it and it felt like it had a year ago. Natural and stress-free and beautiful.”

“She said that?”

“In her own words. She also loves your hugs.”

Leah gave a sad chuckle. “Yeah, she loves those.”

“You know all of this already. So why did you want to talk to me?”

“I guess I feel like talking to you is the closest I can be to her… because I know how close you two have become.”

YFN nodded, understanding. “My whole life changed the day I saw her on that beach.”

“Now you have Jord, and Lucy, and because of you, she’s talking to me again…”

“Do you have another date planned?”

“Tomorrow night. I wanted to know what you think I should do... or if she’s expecting anything?”

“Dory just wants to be around you. You make her happy.”

“I was going to try and cook for her again. I’ve been taking lessons and I actually know where I messed up last time.”

“Can I suggest something else?”

“Go ahead, probably better than my ideas.”

“I think you should go and watch her game.”

“In Birmingham?”

“Yep. You’re not a sub at the Arsenal game, right?”

She shook her head.

“So go to Birmingham and show her that you’re there to support her. Show her you’re willing to go out of your way for her. Don’t have expectations because she needs time, you know that, but just go and… be. You can take her to a restaurant after the game, or go to our place and spend time with Blu and cook or order in. You’re more than welcome to use my bedroom if she’ll let you sleep there, but like I said, no expectations. Expect that you’ll be driving back that night. We both know she’d never let you, but still, just let her have all of the control, yeah? Give her that power and see how she uses it.”

“You don’t think she’ll be overwhelmed if I show up?”

“Honestly? I think it’d melt her heart. You watch her face when she sees you, Leah. In that first split second that it takes to recover her expression… you’ll see everything she’s feeling.”

Ridley POV

Ridley was staring out the window of her hotel room, unable to break her mind from her. She’d tried so hard and every time she got to the point where she knew she’d succeed, she fell back into it, because she wanted to think about her. About the way she always looked sad… because it made her happy expression that much sweeter. About the way she stood her ground and challenged Ridley like no one had before.

She looked back down at the follow notification from Alexia that she’d just received. Of course, that came with a multitude of other people following suit, being la Reina fans, and she smiled as she looked at her profile picture. Alexia in her beloved number 11 Barcelona jersey; that blonde dyed hair Ridley was obsessed with, up in her high ponytail.

She’d received the notification an hour or so after her meeting, and as she stared at it a little longer, she pressed the button to follow her back.

She found herself scrolling through her posts, unable to stop herself from pausing and admiring one particular photo of her lying face down on the front of a yacht. Her hair was in a messy bun, her tattoos stunning, her ass… was something that had Ridley wondering how she even existed. The things she’d sacrifice to be behind her as she laid like that in front of her… and then there was her hand. It laid palm up, her fingers partially curled and begging for Ridley to entwine her fingers with. She looked so… soft.

Her phone started buzzing and she tilted her head in wonder as Alexia’s name popped up on the screen, just minutes after she’d followed her back.

“Thinking about me, were you?” She murmured in Spanish as she answered.

“Hello to you too.”

“Good afternoon, la Reina. What can I do for you?”

“You can have dinner with me.” Her voice sounded like honey through the phone.

“Oh?”

“I had fun the other day and you’re right, I’ve been too much. I was hoping just to spend some more time with you.”

“You’re leaving London?”

“I never said that.”

Ridley’s stomach did a sickly thing at the thought of Alexia leaving. “Would you like to leave?”

“No, I’d like to stay and spend time with you. I’m not going anywhere.”

That settled her nerves a little.

“So,” Alexia continued. “Dinner and a swim, maybe?”

“I’m not sure if I’ll be back tonight…”

“Back?”

Ridley hummed. “Yes, I have another meeting with a client and it may push me to stay another night if it goes for too long.”

“Where are you?”

“Currently? Switzerland.”

“What…?!” It was more disheartened than shocked.

“Let me just have a look at the flights. I was originally planning to stay here another night.”

“I don’t want to put you out…”

“You could never put me out, Lex. It sounds like a great idea.” Anything to be around her. “Just let me check.” Ridley scrolled through the flights and found two potentials. One landing at 6pm, and the other at 7:30pm. Though, she knew there was more chance she’d be on the later flight given how frustratingly underprepared the clients had been. “I have one that I will most likely be on. I’ll get to the apartment around 8pm, if that works?”

“Sounds perfect to me.”

“Would you like me to organise it?”

“No, I’ve already booked a place for 8pm. I’ll call and change the time to a little later.”

“Oh, you have? How presumptuous of you.”

“I learned from the best.”

Ridley chuckled at her humour. “Are you going to dress up for me?”

“Only if you dress up for me.” Cheeky, but not flirty.

“Deal. Let’s both dress nice for each other. I’m heading into my meeting now, but I’ll see you tonight, la Reina.”

Alexia POV

She was nervous. It was 6:30pm and Ridley was going to be at the apartment in the next hour and a half. She’d barely had time to buy a dress with Lucia before picking up Chiquito and getting back to the apartment for her rehab appointment. She’d forgotten about it so late that it had been too late to cancel, and now she was checking her watch for the tenth time to make sure she left before Ridley arrived.

That wouldn’t be good, especially after the discussion she’d had with Blau about letting Ridley know she was always going to be there.

“How is it feeling today?” Meg asked as she scraped her thigh with a plastic device. It was always so painful. Alexia groaned and gripped the gym bench harder from where she sat.

“Okay until you do that…”

Meg giggled. “But it helps. You know it does.”

Alexia didn’t agree with her. She’d been very careful to not encourage her, especially with the physio’s wandering hands.

“Do you have any plans for tonight?”

The question was so off-topic as they’d been professional for the whole session thus-far.

“Si,” she groaned again. It felt like she was peeling her skin off. “I do.”

“Oh? What are you doing?”

“M…Meg I do not wanting to talk about this now.” Alexia said, tilting her head back and squeezing her eyes shut in pain.

“Almost done,” she giggled again and finished up, starting to massage instead. After a few more moments of silence, Meg spoke again, seeming to build confidence from somewhere. “I think you should spend the night with me.”

Alexia’s head shot up and her eyes opened to see Meg staring at her, very, very seriously.

“I have plan tonight…” Was all she could say.

“Then cancel,” she murmured as she moved close to Alexia. “We can hang out and have some fun like we always do, yes?”

Their sessions had been fun, sure, but it was bold of her to make a move. Of course, Alexia should have expected it, having led her on with her flirting the past few sessions.

Meg got even closer now while Alexia stared, wide-eyed and worried she’d hurt her feelings.

“Your session is done,” she whispered as her lips found Alexia’s.

Alexia didn’t kiss her back, she just stared, stunned and pulled away, unable to find words.

A voice sounded from the doorway then and Alexia’s head snapped to where Ridley stood with an expression that was far too neutral.

“Should I come back later?”

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1-800-local-slut · 10 months ago

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Decisions

Rio x Black! Fem! Reader

Warnings: fluff, angst, sad ending, lies and deceit, mentions of drug and alcohol abuse, broken family, break ups, arguing, reader has a bad mom, mention of smut, kinda creepy Rio, abusive childhood, suicidal thoughts, recreational drug use, mentions of sex but no smut, Rio calls Beth annoying but make no mistake I love me some Beth, slight canon divergence, not proof read we die like men 💪🏾

Rio get’s close to the reader, due to him having an issue with her mother. He falls for her and they start dating but 8 months into their relationship she finds out the first six months of their relationship was a lie. She realizes she can’t trust him and dumps him.

PSA: The reader has an abusive mother and no father, there's only one mention of the reader getting punched in the face. If that's something that would trigger you then please don't read for your own sake

Please let me know if you guys enjoy!

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When he saw her for the first time, it was dark out. She was standing under the streetlight, waiting for her bus and Rio was standing in the bushes behind her. The light above made her luminescent, giving her dark skin and gorgeous glow. He didn't even know why it shocked him to see her there. He had been waiting for her after all.

It was a chilly April night, she was shivering. Rubbing her hands together and exhaling a puff of cold air. He even remembered thinking that it was weird how cold it was for April. She held her phone in her hand, her headphones lightly bled music. Rio could've stared at her all day, if only he wasn't here on business.

He needed to put some pressure on someone and this was how it needed to be done. Stepping out of the bush, Rio slid close to the target of the evening.

His eyes scanned her up and down, looking for some sort of entry point. She didn't notice him, he wasn't standing too close to her yet. With a final scan, he noticed the Jordan high tops that hugged her feet. Perfect.

Taking another step, a bigger step, he made sure his presence was known. Her eyes glanced up at him, a natural response. She carefully observed him, like she was deciding if she should take a large step away or just ignore him. The leaking music shut off and Rio fought back a smile. Best not to freak her out. It was time to finally put things into motion.

"Those shoes are nice, I was looking for a pair for my cousins quince gift but I couldn't find any in her size." Of course there was no way to start a conversation with a woman this late at night in t he middle of nowhere waiting for a bus without sounding like a creep but Rio was pressed for time.

She raised an eyebrow, and glance him up and down before she glanced at the time. Checking how much time before the bus came, smart.

"Thanks. I picked them up last week." Curt and to the point. Rio admired how quickly she went on the defense.

"They suit you. The color I mean. If you don't mind can I ask where you brought those? I just moved here, and I don't know where anything is." Her plump lips pushed into a straight line as if she was contemplating.

Mentally, he willed her to just go for it. Just take the bait, so the guy he had in the bushes who was about to take a few pictures for evidence could get something.

"Yeah, you just have to head to the store on 83rd. There's a place called Sole Symphony. You can get a good deal if you talk to the right person.

"Oh I passed that place on my drive in. I'm Rio, by the way." Extending his palm, Rio heard the bus pulling up behind them. Sure, he knew her name already. But what if he wanted to know more than just her name?

As she placed her hand in his and said her name, the doors of the bus slid open behind the two.

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"Baby what do you want to eat?" She was leaning on the arm of the couch, while Rio rested his head on her lap. Clad in one of Rio's black t-shirts, and a pair of his boxers that outlined that ass he worshipped. Under the lights of her living room, she still looked radiant.

"What, you can't cook?" Rio teased, only to be playfully swatted on his head.

"Stop being annoying, I'm ordering dinner because someone's stupid self forgot to go to the grocery store."

"I forgot to go because you wanted to play around all day, so had to I come home and handle business." Rio smiled, a true smile. A smile he hadn't had in a really really long time. She giggled and bent her face closer to his, and hummed. She rubbed her thumb over his forehead, in a way that made Rio shudder.

"I only did that because you finished all my weed and then got me the wrong strain. So maybe that's your fault?" Rio rolled his eyes playfully, and accepted the soft kiss she planted on his lips.

It filled him with a warm, thick feeling. If someone made love into soup, it was filling his stomach at this very moment. Giving him a full, heavy feeling that Rio never wanted to lose. After a second they pulled apart and Rio stared deeply into her eyes. She did the same, like she could see Rio baring his soul to her.

Every now and again though, he remembered though that this was merely temporary. He never, and he cannot stress how much he means never, let himself fall for someone he was using for business. Still, some rules were meant to be broken.

Whenever he remembered that fact, when he remembered that once his debt was settled with her mother (the whole reason he approached her at that bus station in the first place), his heart died a bit.

The past four months had been nothing but a mix of stress and bliss. Stress, the stress of accidentally hurting the person who broke into his heart. Bliss, from laying with her just like this. Every night, or going to dinner with her. How six months could change a man so much was beyond him. Just being with her, even if it was technically for leverage. Though he would never hurt her.

Still, if she knew, it would hurt her more than anything. It would be like a knife, piercing her heart before twisting and causing her to bleed out unstoppably.

Realistically, speaking anyone would be. If you knew your drug addict mother got herself in too deep and your boyfriend was only with you for leverage against her, you'd be pretty cut up about it, wouldn't you?

The drug addict mother, who started exhibiting psychotic jealousy at what seemed like the moment you turned 12 , and who punched you in the mouth after you refused to be nice to her new boyfriend, who you fought so hard to get away from after your nightmare of a childhood? Who told you everyday that not only were you not shit but you'd never be shit? The mother you don't even tell people you have, like the father you never met?

How would you feel to find out that after fighting your entire life just to live a life that wasn't filled with filth, bearing your entire being to someone (the only one who knew the truth), that finally when you found happiness none of it was real? All because of the mother who you don't even acknowledge, after fighting tooth and nail to get as far as you could from, was still giving you grief.

It killed Rio to know all of this too. To see the scars that she trusted him enough to explain. To explain why she's afraid to have children of her own, to understand what made her into the beautiful, strong and confident woman she turned into too. How could Rio hurt someone who accepted him so wholly?

It made him sick to think about. Honestly, he felt like a toxic rapper who does his woman wrong and everyone but her seems to know. He felt like the definition of shit.

"...be?"

"Huh?"

"Is thai food alright with you, babe?"

"Yeah. Yeah sorry I just dosed off for a moment." Just like that, her voice was like a light shinning through the dark. Her face reflected concern, and she ran a manicured nail over his cheek. On instinct he clasped her hand in his.

"What's wrong with you?" Her voice an even whisper. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her literally everything, and he meant everything. Everything about himself, not the partly fabricated tale he told her about his life for the sake of keeping her at an arms length.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Rio gave a small chuckle.

"Nah just thinking about you mamas." Rio smirked up at her and saw her playful eye roll.

"Boy, if you don't do something with yourself." She laughed with a the smile he'd fallen in love with, pinching him on his chest and he winced before letting out a laugh. Rio grabbed his pants from the side of the couch where he hastily threw them when he came home to 'handle business'. Pulling out his wallet, he plucked his credit card out of the folds. He chuckled and handed it to her, where it was gracefully accepted. Within seconds, Rio felt like he could feel the money being pulled from his heart and his card.

"I'm gonna go take a shower, you keep an ear out for the food." She announced, slipping out from underneath him and leaving his head to connect with the couch.

"Without me though?" He watched her walk out of the living room and to her bathroom, sliding the boxers off in the process. If anything she was relentless in her desire to tease him.

"Don't be gross." She chastised, tossing her shirt off behind her and Rio admired her perfect body before she was out of sight and the door behind her closed.

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"Flowers?" Beth raised an eyebrow at the large bundle in the back of his car. Rio glanced back, the flowers and immediate reminder of what was waiting for him right after this. He couldn't even fight the grin. This girl had him feeling butterflies, kicking his feet and giggling when she wasn't even there and it was only eight months.

"For my lady." It was Fall now. The changing leaves reminded Rio of his changing heart, his changing mind. How he changed so much in the last eight months in so many ways that he couldn't even describe.

Coming up on their eight month anniversary and Rio wasn't even close to playing when it came to celebrating. That big ass bouquet was just the first part. He had a pair of matching necklaces for the two of them, a set of twin cuban links with a nice romantic saying, 'Semper Fidelis' (Always Faithful) carved into them.

Especially since his relationship with Beth had been a recent source of anger between the two. In all fairness, Rio told her he was involved in the stock market, which technically wasn't a lie. She knew he did something illegal though and didn't seem to care as long as neither of them got arrested.

What he didn't explain was what a big tittied white woman was doing calling his phone in the middle of the night and why she sounded so upset when she answered instead of him. Or why there were so many calls between the two of them when Rio was at work when Rio requested she don't blow his phone up when he's at work. Or why when he came home early to have lunch with her he had to leave in the middle because Beth had been blowing his phone up during their entire meal.

Honestly though, Rio knew better than to trip about it. Shit, Rio knew he wasn't even feeling Beth's annoying ass like that. If it was him, some dude called his girl in the middle of the night then had the audacity to sound annoyed when HE answered the phone? He would've flown off the handle before the call even hung up. He'd be out of bed, pulling up his pants and boxers, grabbing his gun and his keys and half way into his shoes.

"You have a girlfriend?" Beth asked, eyes bugging out of her head, mouth open in shock. Why did she look like a salmon?

"You sound shocked. I got game, Elizabeth. Anyways, about your issue tell your FBI man that I hit or whatever." Pushing down the button, she still sat there gaping at him.

"What...?" She blinked, hushing her voice as if someone was gonna hear them. Part of him wanted to tell her to get the fuck out so he could get the fuck home. But in the past eight months, he learned how to have a bit more patience.

"Tell him we made love." Wiggling his eyebrows he made a motion for her to get out of his vehicle and she made her way out. Thank God.

Turning on his engine he winded down the window of the passenger window.

"Make me sound good." And with that he was gone.

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As crazy and inebriated as her momma was for most of her childhood, sometimes she was smart. Like when she taught her how to fight when those girls at school wanted to jump her. Like when she taught her and her sisters to never and she meant NEVER leave your sister in a pinch no matter whats going on between you three. When she taught her how to hot wire a car, and especially when to know if a man was lying.

There were more life lessons, like how to make a crack pipe on the go or how to hide from the police but what can you really learn from someone who was drunk as shit most of your life?

So imagine how shocked and confused she was when she realized 'dang. my momma was right, all niggas are liars.' because her boyfriend had been lying to her their entire relationship? Was it lying or omission? Was she gonna pack her shit and leave without a word to his no-good-low-down-lying-scheming-dirty-bastard self, or put hands on him and go to jail? Lots of decisions for a girl to make in one night. One thing she did decide on the moment she got that phone call from her mom this morning, and got those photos that were taken that first night they met: it was over.

She wished all she felt was anger but that was a lie. With Rio, no Christopher, things were easy. She really was in love, he made her heart swell up like a balloon. When she was at her worse, he was right there and understood and helped her in the best way he could. Understood her anger, understood her sadness. Whatever choice she made, he stood behind it no matter what. He wasn't the type of guy (maybe he could've been, it was clear that she had no clue who he really was) to just sit there and act like he always knew better than you. No, he listened to her, gave her an ear and when she asked for it advice.

This hurt. This wasn't just sadness and betrayal, it was despair. To know that after she fought to get away from her mother. After she got up, walked out that house with nothing but the clothes on her back and said 'if i'm homeless i'm homeless, but its better than being with you' and never saw her again it was only because of that woman that she met someone who she was so head over heels for.

Because of that woman she was sitting here, heart broken. She was sitting here, after sobbing her eyes out in disbelief, after deleting every single picture of the two out of her phone. She was sitting here drowning in rage and betrayal. No. No for once, she couldn't put all the blame on her.

Christopher made the choice to play in her face. He made the choice to waste eight months of her life. To lie, and say he loved her like would be the only woman for him. He probably was cheating on her with that white bitch (with a name like Elizabeth she had to be) and they were probably laughing at her for the past eight months cuddled up together. He made the choice and she fell for it. Outside, the lights of his car pulling up roused some sort of rage deep inside of her. A little voice in her head spoke, it said take a bottle to the backside of his head.

Taking the bottle of liquor next to her, and rearing her arm back over her head she pondered if she was really going to listen to that little voice.

It an easy decision to make.

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"You stupid fuck! Really Christopher, this is what we on?" The scream, and the bottle hitting the wall right next to the door was his greeting. Not a 'hi baby, how was work' like usual. He could already guess he was not about to hit tonight.

"What the fuck? What is your problem?" He yelled back, in this instance he was justified in his screaming considering the murder attempt.

"My problem? My problem? You dickhead, your my fucking problem! You thought shit was sweet? You thought I was just gonna let it slide?" She laughed, anger literally rolling off her.

Taking a moment to look around Rio noticed a few things: the photo of them that was on the table next to her couch was tipped over, the glass shattered the frame on the ground. There was a half empty bottle of wine and a broken glass in the sink. There was a manilla folder, one that he was praying he didn't recognize (but he was starting to think he did), clutched in her shaking hand. Her curly hair was a mess, like she'd been tugging at it in anger.

Sure he knew she'd always been a little bit crazy, he was actually really into it, but did he think this was how their eighth anniversary would start? Nope.

His stomach started to drop. It had been a few months since his business with her mother ended and he was truly hoping from the bottom of his heart hoping she would never find out. He ruled out her mother somehow finally worrying about her enough to tell her.

"What is that?" Rio asked, slamming the door behind him and stepping into the apartment fully. Her neighbors only needed to hear the first part of their exchange, nothing more. She took three defiant steps backwards. The lights were all off, and only the TV was on.

"Got this in the fucking mail today." She growled, throwing the packet at his face. Clear as day, the pictures he had taken of them. For proof. One the first night they met, two on their first date, three when they went to the arcade together and played every game you both could manage and he found himself really trying to impress her. That was when he realized her had a bit of a problem. Then a few more, but eventually they stop after the first two months of their relationship.

The next four months of them being together he resorted to threats and by some miracle her mother found a way to pay off her debts and he was done with her by month six. But not using her for only two out of eight months of their relationship was not a good look.

An awkward silence settled over the two, his stomach feeling heavy. He started to feel warm from shame and fear. The room felt like it was spinning and his mouth felt dry. Even before she said it he knew that he just lost the best thing in his life.

"And some phone calls. Not only did you fucking use me, you also threatened my mom and found my sisters houses?! You dickhead, I'll kill you." She roared, throwing a near by object, which he narrowly dodged.

"Why did you play in my fucking face? For eight fucking months you decided to play in my face and be laid up with me and act like you love me, are you serious?" His head hung low, shame and disappointment and anger. Anger because he knew one thing for sure, this was no ones fault but his. He made the decisions he made. That was on no one but him.

"What you can't fucking talk now? You don't know words? But when that hoe Beth called you could sit up on the phone with her about bullshit right?" She yelled. Rio couldn't even find words. Where should he even start? Beth seemed like the worse place to start.

"Right?" She yelled again, getting in his face before stepping back and breaking into deranged laughter putting a hand on her forehead in outrage. He was panicking. What did he do? Yell at her when he knew he was wrong? Yell at himself for hurting her? What was he even supposed to do in a situation like this? A dry and tear-filled laugh shook him from his thoughts.

"Why though? Why did you do this, I trusted you. I gave you my heart, I gave you my fucking everything. If you can't trust you, then what can I trust?!" The broken sob cut through Rio like a knife. She threw her arms out and drunkenly staggered a bit. She stared, eyes pleading for an answer. An explanation. Anything? But for the first time in a long ass time, Rio had no idea what to say. He felt his palms sweat, gaze still fixed on the photos.

She would never smile at him the way she was in those pictures again. And she grinned as bright as the Sun in each photo except for the first.

When she was still met with silence, Rio resigned. He wanted to say something. Damn, why couldn't he speak? Why was he just sitting there? She was just as confused (surely more confused) as Rio.

"I can't believe this. I let you in and you really sat there and played with me. And you really don't got shit to say either? Well guess what nigga, it's done. I'll die before you hear my voice again, before you ever seem me again. And I could sit up here and yell and scream at you but you know what my momma taught me? As worthless as she was she taught me one thing: the best way to hurt a man is to move on. Get the fuck out." And just like that, before Rio could even say a word it was all over.

The next few minutes were a blur. A trash bag with all his shit was thrown out the window after he was shoved out of her apartment. All the gifts he'd gotten her, the shoes, the jewelry, even her cart that had her name custom printed on it, were tossed out there too. Rio sat out there, outside her apartment complex for what felt like hours.

Shit it probably had been hours. The flowers in the back taunted him. He wanted to stomp on them, he wanted to kick and scream at the world. Why did he fucking do that? For his job of course. Fuck that job, look where it got him. Standing outside the apartment of the love of his life.

Worse, he didn't even speak to defend himself, and she tossed him out so quick that it left his head spinning. He wasn't even sure how he walked to the elevator and made his way to his car. He wanted to die, he wanted to collapse, he wanted to go all the way back in time and tell himself to call off everything and meet her some other way. Now he lost everything that could've been lost to him.

And it was all because of his decisions.

Taglist:

@eddiemunsonreader

#black reader #x reader #fem reader #x black reader #rio x reader #rio good girls fanfiction #nbc good girls #rio good girls

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fi-sneakerboy · 1 year ago

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#baggyboy #baggy clothes #baggy jeans #bronx clothes #bronx #sneakerboy #high top sneaker #nike #air jordan #sneaker freak

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 5 months ago

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So, to follow up on this post that I just made that details my thoughts on the Taskmaster s18 lineup: Jack Dee, Rosie Jones, Emma Sidi, and Babatunde Aléshé...

I’m totally kidding! Obviously I’m totally kidding. Obviously. Obviously I was kidding in that entire post, suggesting that I give one fuck who those other four people are. It doesn't matter! Obviously in reality, seats 2-5 of Taskmaster s18 could be filled by Leo Kearse, Jim Davidson, Jordan Peterson, and Suella Braverman, and I’d still consider this to be a fantastic lineup.

Okay. Finally, after several weeks of losing my God damn mind, sitting on the spoilers and being good about not mentioning it (mostly…), I can say this. Finally.

Let’s talk Zaltzman.

First of all, let me set the scene. I've just finished my work for the day. I'm waiting in the break room while my co-worker files her stuff so we can close up the building together. I check my phone, because it's Taskmaster lineup spoiler day, and I've been waiting on confirmation.

I read the words and drop my phone in amazement, scrambling to catch it before it hits the ground. I look again, trying to make 100% sure I am reading this right, because I refuse to get my hopes up that high just to be disappointed. No, it says what I thought it said. I jump up, bang my fist against my chest and then into the air and then back again, mutter “fuck yes fucking right holy fuck” under my breath repeatedly, and then look around and am pleased to see my co-worker has not come into the room. And then I’m not allowed to post about it for several fucking weeks.

Andy was top of my wishlist. Possibly the number one person on it even if I could have literally anyone, including the people who definitely wouldn’t do it. He was definitely the number one person on my Taskmaster wishlist, out of the people who would possibly ever do it. But I wasn’t sure he belonged on that second list. Every time I’ve posted about a Taskmaster wishlist in the last couple of years, I’ve said of course Andy Zaltzman’s number one, but I know it won’t happen.

I know Taskmaster casts people who aren't already TV famous, but they're usually young. Taskmaster casts older people who are well established in a TV career, and young up-and-comers. Not people who turn 50 this year and did an episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats one time in 2008.

I mean, Andy Zaltzman isn’t completely obscure. It’s now been several years since he took over as host of The News Quiz, which I think is Radio 4’s flagship comedy program. The Bugle has been going for nearly 17 years and is quite successful. It’s not fair to imply that 2008 was his last TV credit; he was on Alternative Comedy Experience in 2013, where he had some chats with Stewart Lee that are among the most socially awkward things I’ve ever seen in my life. Sometimes they let him on TV in Australia. He did Matt Forde’s TV thing a few times. He does actually have a very successful career as a cricket statistician/commentator. He wrote for Bremner, Bird and Fortune in 2006. He’s doing fine. He's doing absolutely fine.

And he has an impressive stand-up career. He's done tours in the States, off the back of The Bugle's international success. He's performed in Asia off the back of his cricket commentating popularity. He's sold out big rooms to hordes of Bugle fans.

Taskmaster has cast lots of people who were less famous at the time of casting than Andy Zaltzman is now. They're just not usually Andy Zaltzman's age. But it doesn't matter, he's there now. So let me tell you about this man.

Andrew Zechariah Zaltzman was born on October 6, 1974. He grew up in Tumbridge Wells, Kent, a place he has described as so right-wing that they think you're a bit of a leftie if you only cast one Tory vote per general election. Raised by his father Zechariah "Zack" Zaltzman, who was a sculptor and a Lithuanian lapsed Jew who grew up in South Africa. Along with his sister Helen and brother Rick. I don't know his mother's name and it's probably fine to keep it that way, as I'm pretty sure Andy Zaltzman attracts a lot of fans like me, who have my combination of information-gathering autism and a good memory, that means I did not have to do any Googling to write that paragraph. I could have included the name of his school without Googling just because I've read his Wikipedia page so much, but I'll refrain from doing that.

To be fair, it's not some obscure piece of trivia to know his sister's name, because Helen Zaltzman is one of the only people in Britain who's had a podcast for longer than Andy. Podcasting was quite new when The Bugle started, but Helen started her podcast Answer Me This just before it. Helen Zaltzman's not technically a comedian, but she's quite comedy-adjacent, her podcasts are funny and she's been in plays at the Edinburgh Festival. Hangs out with comedians. Was friends with Josie Long at Oxford, so that's pretty cool. Used to be flatmates with comedy flatshare expert Matthew Crosby. Did an episode of ComComPod.

Anyway, after being raised with a future comedy-adjacent podcaster, Andy went to study Classics at Oxford University, where he also worked for the sports page of the student newspaper. It was here that he discovered his love of made-up bullshit, as he once wrote an entirely fictitious article about a game that never happened. When told they couldn't print it because it was libellous, Andy tried to argue that he hadn't libelled anyone because none of the people he wrote about in that article exist. Andy Zaltzman swears that story is true, and I think it probably is.

Andy Zaltzman did one stand-up gig at university that went very badly, then didn't do any stand-up for a bit, and then eventually did some more gigs that went less badly. Ended up in the finals of So You Think You’re Funny in 1999, where he lost to David O’Doherty (other finalists included Jimmy Carr, Russell Howard, and Josie Long, the latter of whom beat David O’Doherty in the BBC New Comedy Awards in the same year, a year of traded victories that they still amusingly and adorably reference on social media sometimes).

Andy Zaltzman got in with Avalon management, and in 2000, he went back to Edinburgh as part of The Comedy Zone. Also in 2000, he supported Stewart Lee on a stand-up tour around the UK. A lot of the venues were not told that there would be a support act and couldn’t fit him in at the last minute, so essentially, it was less like doing tour support and more like Andy just followed Stewart Lee around the country for a few weeks. Stewart Lee got so exhausted by the effort of trying to hang out with someone as socially awkward as Andy Zaltzman that he quit stand-up for several years (that’s a joke, but he did actually quit – eventually going back to stand-up but never back to his agency – because he got frustrated with Avalon on that tour, largely because they kept doing things like failing to tell venues that he was bringing a support act). In 2005, Stewart Lee returned to stand-up, and shared a flat at the Edinburgh Festival with Andy Zaltzman that year. Across the next 15 years, Stewart Lee took several opportunities to marvel at how it was possible for one person to watch as much sport as Andy Zaltzman did, when on tour and in Edinburgh flats.

In 2001, Andy did his first full-length Edinburgh show, called Andy Zaltzman Versus the Dog of Doom, which got nominated for the Perrier Newcomer Award. It was mainly a solo show, and billed as a solo show, but it featured a few bits with a man he'd met on the stand-up circuit named John Oliver, who was performing in The Comedy Zone. In 2002, Andy went back to Edinburgh with a show called Andy Zaltzman Unveils the 2002 Catapult of Truth, which also featured bits of John Oliver. John did his debut solo hour that year as well, a show that Chortle’s Steve Bennett called “a fairly pointless concept, which is then tiresomely illustrated”. Clearly, John made the correct choice in deciding that in future years, he’d stick to the stuff with Zaltzman.

In 2003, Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver began writing more comedy together, and were both specifically interested in political comedy. They found this could be difficult on mixed bill gigs where the audience hadn’t come for political comedy, and wouldn’t take well to all the dating and travel mishap stories being interrupted by satire on the colonial immigration process. So they started a comedy night in London called Political Animal, where they would co-host with their own jointly-written political jokes, introducing other comedians who would do exclusively political material. This allowed them to perform to audiences who would get what they were expecting, and it led to them being chased off stage less often (okay, their stories about those years of terrible gigs only include one where they got literally chased off stage). Comedians who performed at Political Animal included Robert Newman, Al Murray, Stewart Lee, Jeremy Hardy, Daniel Kitson, Chris Addison, Frankie Boyle, Andrew Maxwell, Will Hodgson, and don’t worry about the other name on the list from which I've copied this (it was one of those Russells they have now, and by far the worst of the three, despite the other two’s flaws).

On these early Political Animal nights, Zaltzman and Oliver used to do a sketch in which they'd interact with God. If Daniel Kitson was part of the show that night, he'd join them for that sketch and Kitson would play the role of God, which is a little on the nose even for him.

They did Political Animal once a month in London for several years, and also took it to Edinburgh for quite a few years in a row. In 2005, they recorded a pilot for BBC Radio 4, a radio show that would broadcast highlights of each act in a Political Animal night, interspersed with little Zaltzman and Oliver sketches. This got picked up and ran for two seasons, ten episodes in total.

In Edinburgh 2003, Zaltzman and Oliver did Edinburgh and Beyond, a mixed bill with each other and Rob Deering. Some of Andy’s material from that show can be heard in the Radio 4 program 4 at the Fringe. It opens with “Are you all glad to be alive? About half of you. Good. Aren’t festivals fun?” Then he goes into a complex explanation of how King Harold threw the Battle of Hastings and he has proof. This also contains the earliest known recording of Andy Zaltzman's classic joke about how voters' commitment to apathy is a paradox.

Then he says the words: “There are more celebrities now than ever before, in the world. There are also more facts in the world than ever before, and that’s just one of them. There are more celebrities now, and if the current rate of the increase in celebrities now continues, then by the year 2052, celebrities will outnumber ordinary people. And if that continues then by 2142, 99% of the world’s population will be celebrities. At which point the market will implode, and all celebrities will be merged into one giant celebrity, known as God. And the process will start again from scratch. Only this time, God will make the differences between men and women even funnier, and comedians will be the most powerful race on Earth. And after a savage and brutal war between the observationalists and the surrealists, into the power vacuum will come the singing comedians, and the world’s only currency will be amusingly altered pop lyrics. So please, be careful.” And you can begin to see why audiences occasionally chased him off stages. I don’t know what John Oliver was doing with his portion of that shared 2003 bill. Probably some stuff about penguins, given what he was into at the time. He was also very busy ripping cows apart that year. 2003 was a big year for people giving John Oliver large facsimile animals that he did not want and making him deal with them.

In 2004, Zaltzman and Oliver decided to stop messing around with little sketches in each other's shows, and just do the joint stand-up hour that the world had been waiting for. They went to Edinburgh with a show called Zaltzman and Oliver’s Erm... It's About the World... I Think You'd Better Sit Down, which is a hell of a title. They filled in a questionnaire about it for the BBC, which is a lovely little relic. If you want to know what Zaltzman and Oliver were doing during the Edinburgh Festival in 2004:

What will you be doing with the other 23 hrs of the day? JO: I will assign around 8 of those hours for sleep. I'll try and eat three times, spaced out in the time remaining. I will insult my flatmate for a further 3 of those hours. And I will think about sport for the rest of the time. AZ: Table tennis.

(Note: I'm 95% sure the flatmate John Oliver was going to insult for three hours a day is Daniel Kitson.)

They took the show on tour the following year, including performing it one time in 2005 with someone recording the audio. They didn't do anything with that audio until about six years later, when they released it during a filler week for The Bugle. It contains many of their classic joint bits, like the immigration sketch and the state of political discourse sketch.

In 2005, they did another joint Edinburgh show, called John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman Issue a List of Demands and Await Your Response with Interest. Not big fans of titles that fit easily into blurbs. This show unfortunately has been lost to history, or at least, it had better be lost to history, because at this point I will be furious if it turns out Andy Zaltzman has a recording of it somewhere and has been holding out on us all this time (not really, please let me know if you have this, Andy, I would pay you money). Steve Bennett called it: "As a double act [Zaltzman and Oliver] bring out the best of Zaltzman’s towering intellect and Oliver’s sneery cynicism, feeding off each other’s presence." Which is a pretty solid summary of their double act dynamic in general.

I know there are reviewers besides Steve Bennett, by the way. But Chortle, for all its other admin-related faults, does archive its reviews in a way that makes old ones easy to find, so it tends to be my go-to reference for times like this. I have read other old Zaltzman and Oliver reviews, and a lot of them can be basically summarized as "They have good, intelligent, and funny material, but God, those guys can be really annoying." Brian Logan called them "Better writers than performers", which is maybe technically true but also he can fuck off. We like the socially awkward lack of charisma, okay?

Anyway. Back on topic. While they were establishing their live double act, Zaltzman and Oliver also teamed up with their friend, the excellent comedian Chris Addison, to write a radio show called The Department. This is a fictional show set in a secret government department that secretly runs the entire world, and they spend each episode solving a different problem. It ran on BBC Radio 4 for three seasons and 14 episodes in total, from 2004 to 2006. It featured a bunch of old Zaltzman and Oliver stand-up bits, shoehorned expertly into the mouths of the characters. Zaltzman, Oliver, and Addison co-wrote it and played the three main characters (except Addison didn't write season 3 as he was busy with other projects, but he still did the voice acting), with the other major character being voiced by Matthew Holness, and Lucy Montgomery doing some additional voices (Matthew and Lucy were both in Cambridge Footlights with John Oliver a few years earlier).

They hoped The Department would translate to TV someday, but that didn't happen. Even as late as ten years later, Andy Zaltzman, according to one uncharacteristically vulnerable interview, was still holding out hope that it could someday get picked up as a TV sitcom. John Oliver, on the other hand, said years later that he looked back on The Department as something that wasn't any good. John is, in my accurate opinion, entirely wrong about that. There are some old Zaltzman and Oliver things that I can recognize were objectively not great comedy, I just like them as adorable historical relics. The Department is not like that. I think it was a really, really funny and well written show. It had good characters and dense jokes and I wish it had become more.

These were the glory years of Zaltzman and Oliver. The Department on the radio, joint stand-up shows, hosting mixed bill stuff at Political Animal. But that double act was just a small subset of a larger group called the Chocolate Milk Gang. The Chocolate Milk Gang was an international crime syndicate that sometimes organized soccer matches, to borrow a phrase from John Oliver (John was talking about FIFA when he said it, but it still applies). You can see one of these matches in The Greatest Video on All of YouTube, featuring a lot of comedians who are hard to recognize because it's got about 8 pixels per inch, but you can always pick out Andy with his curly red hair, and John Oliver as the only one wearing long pants instead of shorts. I'm definitely not going to go look at the building where they filmed that video when I go to London this summer. That would be a weird thing to do. I mean I can't confirm whether I'm going to do that, but I will say that one time on his radio show I heard Elis James say Crystal Palace isn't a tourist attraction, and I laughed and said "That's what you think."

Anyway, the Chocolate Milk Gang was actually a bunch of comedians who were all friends in the early 00s, they frequently appeared in each other's stand-up shows (and occasionally radio shows and things like that), told stories about each other on stage, played football on Tuesdays, shared mixed bills, ritualistically sacrificed cows together in the middle of the night, things like that. They got their name because they drank alcohol either not at all or not very much, and after late-night Edinburgh shows they'd go for milkshakes while other comedians were getting drunk, so some of those other comedians started calling them the Chocolate Milk Gang. Glenn Wool has been specifically credited with coining the term, Andrew Maxwell and Jason Byrne were also said to be involved. An absolute cunt who goes by David McSavage was a dick about it. Basically they were a bunch of nerds who got bullied by the Irish and Canadians (not really, they've said they were on friendly terms with those guys and it was friendly banter, except for David McSavage, who is genuinely a cunt). They go by other names sometimes. Stewart Lee apparently used to call them "The Hanging Around Guys".

Further information can be found in the weirdest fucking article I've ever read (on the subject of me knowing about reviewers besides just Steve Bennett - Jay Richardson, what were you fucking talking about?), but basically, they were known for differentiating themselves from a previous generation of showbiz shouty fancy comedians, by doing things like wearing t-shirts and listening to indie music and putting a modicum of creativity into their art and not being alcoholics. Membership lists for the Chocolate Milk Gang changes depending who you ask, but the main people involved, in general, were: Josie Long, John Oliver, Andy Zaltzman, Alun Cochrane, Russell Howard, David O'Doherty, Gavin Osborn, Demitri Martin, Flight of the Conchords. Taika Waititi - Cohen at the time - is sometimes mentioned in that mix. Isy Suttie was definitely around and fit the remit. And Daniel Kitson was their, according to those weird fucking articles about it, king.

To get that list of people, I've taken the name that Glenn Wool invented for people who got milkshakes in Edinburgh, and applied it to a slightly more general concept. Not everyone on that list got milkshakes in Edinburgh in 2002, but most did, and all were part of a larger group of nerds doing comedy who crossed over with each other personally and professionally in that era, which is generally what I mean when I say "Chocolate Milk Gang".

Andy largely ended up in this group because his writing and performing partner, John Oliver, was so close to the ringleader/king Daniel Kitson. John Oliver and Daniel Kitson had repeatedly described each other as best friends. John also brought in Gavin Osborn, his friend from school and/or youth theatre. Gavin was flatmates with John's girlfriend for a time. Basically, John Oliver tied all these people in his life together, and then he fucked off to America, leaving the rest of them behind to keep making stuff with each other. Which they did, but managing it without John in the middle clearly wasn't always their first choice. The number of Chocolate Milk Gang members who have performed art that I have heard on the subject of how it upset them when John Oliver left is... more than three. It's four. I'm thinking of four specific pieces of work right now, though to be fair one of them is just Andy Zaltzman shouting the words "Percy Primetime" at an audience (the others are a song about mix tapes, a show about an apartment that I'm definitely not going to go look at when I fly to London because Crystal Palace isn't a tourist attraction, and a song about a penguin). That's a lot, really. People really, really liked that guy.

Zaltzman and Kitson in particular were a funny combination; whenever they used to end up on stages (or in a radio studio) together, there would be this strong sense of "your best friend is my best friend but God, do we ever have nothing else in common". But they'd give performing together a go, even though Andy Zaltzman is the most socially awkward man in history and has chemistry with no one on Earth except John Oliver. Neither of them seem to "get" the other's comedy in any way, or find much crossover in what they found funny. They shared a flat together in Edinburgh in 2007, where they wrote a sketch for Late 'n' Live in which Andy would pretend to be Daniel Kitson's penis, so that's fun. Andy Zaltzman had a set of about four deliberately bad impressions, which seemed to be the only part of his act that Kitson found funny, but Kitson found them hilarious and made Andy do them every time they performed together.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm trying to tell this story chronologically, and I've moved right past what Andy Zaltzman has referred to as: “The day in June 2006 when [John Oliver] told me he wanted to do the Daily Show job in America instead of going with me to Edinburgh to talk to twenty-five people a day in a darkened room.”

At the time, Zaltzman and Oliver were in the process of writing their third joint stand-up hour, for Edinburgh 2006. This show had already been submitted to the festival, as evidenced by some screenshots of the 2006 Edinburgh program:

The 2006 Edinburgh program also advertised:

And it was the debut year for the Chocolate Milk Gang mixed bill Honourable Men of Art, also already in the program with John's name:

According to Andy Zaltzman, in June 2006, he learned three things very close together, on almost the same day. The first thing he learned is that the BBC had cancelled The Department. This radio show was the only consistent thing Andy had going in his career besides live stand-up. He was counting on The Department getting bigger and maybe picked up for TV, so losing it was a significant blow. The second thing he learned, at almost the same time, was that his wife was carrying their first child. And the third thing he learned was that John Oliver was going to move to America right before their Edinburgh run was set to begin. Andy Zaltzman has described June/July 2006 as not a particularly fun time (John Oliver, on the other hand, has described summer 2006 as the time he lost his radio show and thought his career was fucked, so it's a good thing The Daily Show job came along to save him, because otherwise he'd have ended up stuck in the career path he was on in England, which was terrible, it sure would suck to have to stay on that path).

Andy Zaltzman has even said that if it hadn't been for his marriage and having a kid on the way, he might have moved to New York with John to try to keep performing as a double act, since he didn't have enough of a career in Britain to be worth staying for, and all the success he'd had had come from the Zaltzman and Oliver partnership.

I see why Andy Zaltzman found that partnership and briefly considered whether it might be worth moving across an ocean to preserve it. They worked so well together. They got each other's style of comedy, they were similar enough to fit together but different in the right ways to complement each other. They had incredible chemistry together, of the type that Andy had with, as I've said, no one else in the world. Andy had had to start his own comedy night (Political Animal) just because his style was so offbeat that it didn't fit in on regular mixed bills and it annoyed audiences who hadn't come for that specific niche, and the Zaltzman/Oliver double act saved him from having to sell that niche by himself. He was, as he describes it, not excited to have to go back to doing it alone.

He was also not excited to have to turn their double act Edinburgh show into a solo show at the last minute. But he did it, going to Edinburgh 2006 and performing a show called Andy Zaltzman Detonates 70 Minutes of Unbridled Afternoon ("It's important work Zaltzman is doing, at least compared to most other comics, and deserves to be heard if only he was a bit more fluid in its telling" - Steve Bennett, 2006). I guess it's a better title than Andy Zaltzman Goes By Himself to Edinburgh to Talk to Twenty-Five People a Day in a Darkened Room. In Edinburgh 2006, Andy also hosted Political Animal on his own, and turned up to Honourable Men of Art, where they occasionally had John Oliver via the best live video linkup technology 2006 had to offer.

After this, Andy Zaltzman spent a year performing on his own. In 2007 he performed at MICF for the first time, where one time he stayed up all night in a radio studio with Daniel Kitson, playing BBC sound effects and Boney M songs, and Daniel made him do his Marvin Gaye impression. He also went on the Triple M radio show Get This, and was very socially awkward. Then he won the Piece of Wood Award for having other comics vote his show the best one, so that's cool. Clearly he must have been doing something all right, in a year that he's since described in interviews as very rough overall.

And then he was approached by TimesOnline, a subdivision of The Times, to start a trans-Atlantic podcast. The idea was that John Oliver would go into a studio in New York City, and Andy Zaltzman would go into a studio in London, and they would talk to each other about the week's news, and someone would produce and edit it, and that would be a newfangled thing called a podcast. Like the thing that Andy's sister Helen had just started doing. Andy Zaltzman said yes because, in his words, he had "Jack K. Shit" else going on and it was a chance to reunite the double act that had been working for him. John Oliver said yes because, in his words, it is a treat to get to listen to Andy Zaltzman talk for an hour a week. I think John meant it when he said that, because John Oliver had a very good and very busy job as a writer and correspondent on The Daily Show at the time, in addition to a stand-up career in the States and an increasing schedule of events with major American comics, so it's not like he took the Bugle job because he needed the money or the profile boost. I think he really did consider it a treat to listen to Andy Zaltzman talk for an hour a week. And what a treat that is.

They set up a format in which they'd talk on the phone for a bit earlier in the week, to establish a list of topical subjects to cover. Then they'd go away and each write their own material on those subjects. Then on Fridays, they'd connect from their separate studios and discuss the subjects with their material ready. The best bits made it into their respective stand-up shows.

From the beginning, they both contributed a lot to the podcast, but Andy drove the dialogue and tended to come a little more prepared, as is reasonable, given that John Oliver had other shit going on. The Bugle ran in its original form from October 2007 to March 2016, and in that time, Andy Zaltzman turned over an incredible amount of material. It is honestly amazing how much new stuff he came up with every week. Yeah, he had some ideas and concepts that he re-used, and yeah, not 100% of it was solid gold. But a lot of it was very funny. Funny, dense comedy that was new every single week.

Andy Zaltzman is the most creative comedian I've ever heard. I mean, obviously I guess that depends on your definition of "creative", I've seen some comedy shows where it's so creative that I have no idea what's going on (these are called "clowning"). But within the parametres of just writing straightforward stand-up material, I have never heard anything as creative as Andy Zaltzman. He hits a topic from so many directions that no one else would think of. He reaches for absurd comparisons, turns of phrase that make me run back the recording because I could never catch all the meanings at once, five or six different jokes embedded into one sentence. The number of obscure references to history and/or sport and/or Greek mythology (he didn't study Classics for nothing) he can get into any paragraph is blinding. He's fucking amazing.

More than that, The Bugle with Zaltzman and Oliver was an amazing piece of media. It is incredible how they blended interactivity with tightly written material. Comedians riffing with each other is fun because it feels real and immediate and unrehearsed. Carefully written stuff is good because writing something with care gives comedians the time to make it funnier. The Bugle was Zaltzman and Oliver taking their jokes that they'd crafted to be as funny as possible, and using them as the basis for otherwise spontaneous interaction, so they got the best of both worlds. And it worked, every time, because they have the best chemistry I've ever heard in all of comedy. They were like athletes who could always tell where the other was going to end up, they could take their bit and make sure it would land in just the right spot to work with what the other person would have. Even though they didn't know exactly what the other person had, because they didn't write it together. But they knew each other so well that they could anticipate. It's amazing. It's a fucking amazing feat of comedy and it should be in some sort of hall of fame.

In 2008, Andy Zaltzman wrote a book. It's called Does Anything Eat Bankers? and it's a collection of absurd comedy mini-essays about the credit crunch. It's the most 2008 thing I've ever read. It made me laugh out loud a lot. It's available on eBay for insultingly cheap prices and is an excellent summary of Zaltzman's offbeat sense of humour.

From 2007-2014, Andy Zaltzman hosted Political Animal in Edinburgh every year. Usually on his own, though in 2011, John Oliver flew to Edinburgh and they did a few reunion Political Animal gigs, featuring Daniel Kitson reprising his role as God in their God sketch. Andy also kept up his Chocolate Milk Gang membership over those years, doing the Honourable Men of Art gig when it came back in 2008, appearing at some Kitson-compered Late 'n' Lives in the 00s, and at some Kitson-compered Chocolate Milk Gang reunion shows in later years (ZOCK, Fuckstorm 3000, Fuckstorm 3001). Andy did the impressions when Kitson told him to, even though by then he'd long dropped them from his regular act. Andy also performed new Edinburgh solo shows nearly every year from 2007 to 2019 (missing 2009, 2012, and 2015), usually with long convoluted titles in the style of Zaltzman and Oliver ("Life is convoluted, my comedy merely reflects that" - Andy Zaltzman).

In 2014, Andy started doing Satirist For Hire, a show he continued touring off and and on until 2022, in addition to his regular stand-up shows. In Satirist For Hire, the audience could write in with the date they were attending and a subject for Andy to satirize, and the show would consist of him satirizing audience-requested topics. It wasn't improv or anything, he'd get the topics in advance and write stuff about them, new stuff for every show. Which sounds like a ridiculous amount of work, but he was already doing that kind of thing for The Bugle, writing new stuff constantly. Some of these got recorded and released on filler weeks of The Bugle. Topics he got asked to satirize included all 721 Pokemon by name, the autumn equinox, the rebellion in Syria, and his own mother-in-law. He released a DVD of Satirist For Hire that was filmed in 2014, in which he performed the bespoke satire as well a "best of" his other old and new jokes, including some stuff that dates back to the Zaltzman and Oliver catalogue of the early 00s. It also has a DVD extra that's Andy just telling a weird story with no punchline, it's really annoyingly rambling and pointless, even for him. It's great.

During the original run of The Bugle, there were a lot of jokes in which John would tell a star-studded story about his life with celebrities in New York City, and Andy would say he'd had a good pastrami sandwich that week. There were slightly less funny parts at the end of the episodes, in which John would plug some big American event he was doing, and Andy would make a vague plea about small-time stand-up gigs that he couldn't sell. As The Bugle went on, Andy started doing slightly bigger stand-up gigs and sounding slightly less concerned about lack of tickets sold (due to him building up an audience of Bugle fans), though it still didn't look great when put next to John Oliver's projects.

Alongside this, Andy Zaltzman started getting jobs in the world of cricket as well. He was a massive, utterly obsessed cricket fan, made a lot of cricket references in his stand-up and on The Bugle, and at some point some people took notice and started inviting him to do cricket things. Spots on sports shows in which he'd analyze cricket. Cricket commentary. Collation of cricket stats. After several years of this, he started getting to travel for it, announcing on The Bugle that he'd be doing stand-up gigs in Bangladesh because he was going there anyway to attend cricket games and be paid to commentate on them. He doesn't have personal social media, but he does have a Twitter account that Tweets nothing but obscure cricket stats that he has personally worked out. What a weird guy, spending all his own time gathering information about one niche subject and then collating all the stuff from various sources and posting his findings on the internet. Nerd. You wouldn't catch me doing that.

Off the success of The Bugle, he started getting some other stuff. He was a regular host for a while on the Radio 4 panel show called 7 Day Sunday, where he worked with Chris Addison and Al Murray and Rebecca Front, I have frustratingly never been able to find episodes of that show. He got a Radio 4 mini-series called Andy Zaltzman’s History of the Third Millenium, which I have also never been able to find. He started appearing as a guest on The News Quiz somewhat regularly. He did that one episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats one time, and it was very awkward. Stewart Lee put him on Alternative Comedy Experience.

In 2008, John Oliver released a stand-up DVD called Terrifying Times. Andy flew to New York to appear in the recording of it. He came on stage a couple of times, for a few minutes each time, interacting with John so they could include some of their joint sketch material in the DVD. There's also a DVD extra that's a conversation between Zaltzman and Oliver, which is hilarious.

In 2012, Andy Zaltzman again went to New York, to perform some stand-up on John Oliver's New York Stand Up Show (along with Chocolate Milk Gang's David O'Doherty), a confusingly titled American television program with various comedians doing short sets compered by John Oliver. After years of relentlessly making fun of John on The Bugle for how he started saying "gotten" once he'd been in America for a bit, Andy got on American TV and immediately said the word "sports", which was adorable. He tried to fit in. It didn't really work and the crowd didn't know what to make of him, but he tried.

In the original run of The Bugle, Andy Zaltzman really honed his trademark style. It was marked by absurd analogies that treat any of the following like each other: sports, politics, Greek mythology, religion, current events, and occasionally a movie or something. He started doing "pun runs", where he'd spend several minutes doing one coherent monologue in which he'd make as many puns as possible themed around a single subject, usually while John Oliver screamed in agony in the background (you'd think it would stop being funny but it didn't, at one point he started using a little bell to mark each pun). Jokes with footnotes. Jokes where the joke is that the story is pointless. Everything he said carefully and tightly wrapped in at least 18 layers of irony. A running joke in which he'd introduce each Bugle episode by discussing something obscure that had happened in history on the day they were recording. So many cricket and snooker references.

An audio cryptic crossword that ran for the first thirty or so Bugle episodes, in which he'd read out a clue every week, but the clue wasn't to anything that made sense, it was just to some shit he'd made up in his head, and he never released a visual to accompany it. Yet it did work, some people at home actually solved it all and wrote it all out and it all fit together perfectly (that is how you do a crossword, Pemberton).

Massive truckloads of absurdity dumped with increasing urgency all over current events, as though he thought he could bury the dark realities under it. Zaltzman and Oliver's name for this absurdity was "bullshit"; it used to be a running joke that they'd advertise The Bugle by promising it would be completely free of facts, providing the best bullshit you've ever heard. Long, intricate bullshit that all ties together and keeps going just when you think there can't be any more to this story that Andy has entirely made up. Like the athletes he wrote about at university, no one can sue him for libel because they don't actually exist.

One time their producer Chris Skinner accused them of having an especially sweary Bugle, so far containing "twelve fucks and one cunt", and Andy said that's the Jewish view of the New Testament, and they (rightly) talked for like three years about how good a joke that was to come up with off the cuff. Andy's lapsed Jewish-ness is also a frequent topic of his jokes, usually how incredibly lapsed he is, being a massive fan of bacon sandwiches and one time his sister gave him an entire dead pig as a Christmas gift, a story that made it into a Daniel Kitson stand-up show as well as a lot of Bugle jokes about how in most cases that would be a hate crime.

There were also jokes throughout that Bugle run about John Oliver's increasingly high-profile career; Andy gave him the nickname Johnny Showbiz and cheerfully kept telling stories of pastrami sandwiches after John's stories about meeting Samuel L Jackson or whatever. I first listened to The Bugle a few months after I listened to the old Russell Howard/Jon Richardson BBC 6 Music shows, and those were basically an audio documentary of a friendship slowly cracking apart due to one party's jealousy of the other's increasing success (I mean, there were other issues too), so I found The Bugle an odd contrast at first. Because Andy made those jokes, but it sounded like there was absolutely no genuine jealousy behind them. If anything it went the other way, he seemed to vaguely pity John's weird hectic life, and John seemed to generally agree that this was too much celebrity and Andy was better off in his shed. I started wondering: how is Andy this okay with the disparity? Is he hiding the jealousy really well or is he made of stone?

A while into my the first listen-through of The Bugle, after wondering this for a few weeks, I came to the conclusion that the reason Andy Zaltzman sounded unbothered by John Oliver meeting Samuel L Jackson is that Andy Zaltzman truly, deep down to his core, did not want to meet Samuel L Jackson. That man was not impressed by anything in the world that's not a cricket stat or a bad pun, and he entirely meant it when he mercilessly mocked John for the embarrassing transgression of winning an Emmy. That wasn't masked bitterness, he just thought winning an Emmy was genuinely embarrassing. And John Oliver, once again, seemed to basically agree.

In 2011, there was the News of the World scandal, owned by News International, owned by The Times, which owned The Times of London, which owned TimeOnline, which funded The Bugle. Andy and John decided to really go after everyone behind the phone hacking scandal, for several weeks in a row. They didn't just talk about the shit journalists, they went for the entire system of tabloid press and its collusion with government, the people at the top of the both sides of that, everything that allowed this to happen. While doing this, they had a running joke in which they'd tap their mic and ask "Is this on?", implying that their overlords at The Times would cut their mic in retaliation for talking shit about Rupert Murdoch. Then The New York Times wrote an article about what they'd been doing, and they started to sound slightly more genuinely worried that this might get them in trouble.

A couple of months later, for what both sides called unrelated reasons, TimesOnline fired John and Andy, pulling The Bugle's funding. In a Bugle episode in December 2011, they said this might be their last one, they were scrambling to find alternative funding sources but might have to just end the podcast. The tone in that episode made the discrepancies in their careers clear. John repeatedly emphasized how much he loved The Bugle and everything they'd built together, and how he'd like to save it. While Andy had a lot more genuine desperation in his voice as he again used the term "Jack K. Shit" to describe what else he had going on in his career, he actually needed to #SaveTheBugle. You can see that as well in how careful they both were. John and Andy both said they were dropped for apolitical reasons, just lack of funding. But John messed around a bit and implied that this may not be the whole truth, while Andy sounded less willing to possibly get them in more trouble. Years later, in a 2023 episode of the rebooted Bugle, the subject of The Times came up, and Andy offhandedly mentioned that The Bugle used to be funded by The Times, until they were dropped "suspiciously shortly after" they made a bunch of Rupert Murdoch jokes. This was the first time Andy had acknowledged a possible connection, and I liked that, like a sign that he'd finally achieved enough success independently so he could afford to talk like that a bit too.

I made a compilation of this situation a couple of years ago. Most of the Bugle bits in it are John Oliver's lines, because the compilation was meant to contrast John Oliver's running joke on Last Week Tonight where he'd talk shit about HBO's parent company AT&T, referring to them as "business daddy" and gloating about how he could do that without getting in trouble, with the time in 2011 when he went on The Bugle and talked shit about their business daddy and did in fact get in trouble. Andy had a lot of good jokes about Rupert Murdoch and The Times during those episodes, they mostly aren't in this compilation because they weren't as relevant to the Bugle-LWT John Oliver Versus Business Daddy narrative, but the compilation still tells the story. Also I illustrated it with a bunch of amusing old Zaltzman and Oliver pictures.

youtube

In early 2012, they came back and announced that they had managed to sell enough listener subscriptions to keep The Bugle going independently. The Bugle continues to run that way to this day, free to listen to but funded by optional listener subscriptions, no ads (aside from a short time in 2018 when they partnered with Radiotopia and Andy had to read out those mattress ads and stuff, and you could hear his soul sinking into the floor, luckily that didn't last long), just because they created a product that's good enough to be worth its audience paying for. It also gets funded by merch sales and things. They have hats and socks.

The Bugle ran for a couple more glorious years as an independent podcast fronted by Zaltzman and Oliver. Then in summer 2013, Jon Stewart went away to film a movie and John Oliver filled in as a guest host for The Daily Show. John Oliver would do a fantastic job fronting America's flagship topical comedy show all week, and then come on The Bugle on Friday and lament how badly it was going and how he couldn't wait to get back to the sidelines where he belonged. But after that, as he'd proven his abilities as a host, HBO offered John Oliver his own weekly show. In December 2013, John Oliver proceeded to have a breakdown, but still left The Daily Show to start Last Week Tonight.

As shown in the compilation I've just linked, which is entitled Johnny Showbiz Gets His Own Show and Has a Breakdown, they promised at the time that this would absolutely not affect The Bugle. They promised! Repeatedly. I mean, they sounded at the time like they were trying to convince themselves and each other as much as the listeners, but still, they promised.

They mostly kept that promise for about a year, taking a few more breaks than usual throughout 2014 to accommodate John's busier schedule, but I don't think The Bugle declined in quality when it did go out. And given how few weeks off they'd had since October 2007, even The Bugle with extra breaks was still a hell of a lot of comedy material for them to turn over. They took a break for the whole summer in 2014, their first time taking more than a couple of weeks off in a row, but came back with a great run of episodes in the fall.

Andy did mention to Stuart Goldsmith, in a 2014 interview, that he was hoping he might be able to be involved with Last Week Tonight in some way, at some point. It's not clear whether he ever mentioned this to John Oliver. Seems like the sort of thing he should have maybe mentioned to John Oliver, instead of saving it for an uncharacteristically vulnerable podcast interview. But maybe he did ask John Oliver for that and it just didn't work out. He doesn't say. It certainly didn't end up happening.

Then, throughout 2015, The Bugle died a slow and incredibly painful death. They kept doing filler episodes, in which Andy would explain that John was busy, but promise he'd be back next week. Then, often, nothing, not even a filler episode, for weeks. Before 2015, they always put out an episode every week, usually a new episode, but if they didn't have one, there would be filler: an outtakes show or a best-of show or some recordings of stand-up or something. One time the producer Chris Skinner strung together a whole filler episode by doing things like interviewing their friend Alun Cochrane (back when Alun Cochrane was cool, Alun Cochrane is now no longer cool). But in 2015, they began to hit the limit on the number of weeks in a row when they could do filler episodes, so they started just putting out fuck all.

John Oliver did turn up for Bugle episodes occasionally in 2015, but when he did, he sounded increasingly distracted and like his heart wasn't in it. Which is fair enough, because we now know that he spent 2015 trying to write and present a research-intensive weekly HBO show, as well as caring for his wife while she had a high-risk pregnancy. It's as good an excuse as I've ever heard to not be able to talk shit about Bashar al-Assad or the band LMFAO with Andy Zaltzman every week (also, you have to give John Oliver credit for the fact that he did The Bugle very well for years despite never actually needing it, and was just in it for the love of the game). But he probably should have just said that, rather than clearly telling Andy all the time that he'd be back soon, which we know he was doing because Andy sounded like he believed it when he relayed that message to the listeners, and then it kept not happening.

To be fair, Andy also should have called time on the podcast way earlier - at the very least announcing an extended break, if not just acknowledging that it's not going to work anymore and ending it. Instead, Andy kept coming back to introduce filler episodes and promise us John would be back soon. And every once in a while he'd do a frustrated new episode with a checked-out John Oliver. I listened to the worst of this period of The Bugle within a couple of days, and that was rough, hearing it all at once like that. Had me yelling at my phone, "Oh my God, stop it! Just put it out of its fucking misery! This is an ex-podcast! Stop nailing it to a perch and trying to sell it back to us!"

Andy mentioned the "Jack K. Shit else going on" thing a couple of times as a reason for why he kept trying, but I don't even think that was true anymore. He had a big stand-up audience garnered by the success of The Bugle. He had his cricket career. He had regular radio work. He didn't have some big TV career or anything, but he had enough to be getting on with. Enough so he did not have to be as desperate as he got about trying to keep a podcast going when it was clearly over.

I think he was scared to try to do his comedy career without basing it around bouncing stuff off John Oliver. As his comedy career did have a history of spectacularly not working when he wasn't working with John.

Throughout 2015, Andy's increasing frustration could be heard in his voice during intros for the podcast filler episodes, and in the recordings of his 2015 stand-up that got released as said filler. He developed a joke in which he'd ask the audience who's heard of John Oliver, find the one or two people who said no, and shout, "Fuck you Percy Primetime, everyone in this room has heard of me!" "Percy Primetime" was a nickname spat with quite a bit less affection than the old "Johnny Showbiz". For the record I don't think they had a real falling out or anything, but there was some genuine bitterness there for the first time after all those years of fame disparity, it finally became clear that Andy Zaltzman's not actually made of stone.

In early 2016, The Bugle came back with one full episode that was actually very good, John and Andy were both really into it. John Oliver apologized for the many jokes he'd made in previous years about how funny it would be if Donald Trump ran for president, and they announced that The Bugle would be continuing for the forseeable future, just going once a month instead of once a week, so they could stop with the filler stuff and be more realistic about what was possible around new schedules. Then two months later, they came back and admitted this was not, in fact, realistic, and John was leaving The Bugle. Andy announced his plan to reboot the podcast in the fall, with John Oliver replaced by a rotating series of co-hosts from around the world. Andy sounded fairly terrified of this prospect.

The last episode of the John Oliver-era Bugle was number 295, and for reasons that Andy Zaltzman finds funny, he made the first episode of the new era episode 4001. This came out on October 24, 2016, and featured Hari Kondabolu as the guest co-host. Hari's a New York comedian whom I assume was recommended by John Oliver, as I can't imagine how else he and Andy would have crossed paths, and they sure didn't sound like two people who had ever encountered each other before. It was fucking awkward. It didn't help that it was a couple of months before the Donald Trump election, so a pretty intense time to try to just jump back into topical comedy with a "get to know the rebooted podcast" episode.

Basically, if Andy Zaltzman feared that his offbeat niche humour would not work without the one comedian in the world who was tailor-made to fit into it... those fears were not alleviated in that first episode. Hari Kondabolu is awesome, he has since become one of my favourite Bugle guests and I've gotten into his own stand-up, but that first time, he had no fucking idea what to make of Andy, and not much of an idea of what he'd signed up for with The Bugle. Andy had no idea how to talk to anyone in the world who isn't John Oliver. It was weird.

Episode 4002 featured Nish Kumar, who came in and immediately shouted "Fuck you Chris!", which was a running joke from the John Oliver-era Bugle (referring to producer Chris Skinner, John and Andy and the listeners would affectionately say "fuck you" to Chris a lot for reasons that made sense at the time), an instant way to assure the audience that he knew exactly what he'd signed up for. Nish had been listening to The Bugle since it started when he was still doing student comedy, and as far as I can tell, he'd pretty much climbed the ranks of the comedy industry in the hopes of someday getting to touch the garment of his heroes Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver (he might have had one or two reasons besides that, but it was mainly that one). And he got his wish. He's now the second most frequent co-host of the Bugle 4000-series (after Alice Fraser), and one time he got to play football with John Oliver and they got into fights on the pitch.

The Bugle continued on shaky ground for the first 25 episodes or so, really for the first 50. Andy has said since that he knows those episodes were rough, that he'd got so comfortable in his familiar rapport with John Oliver that he just couldn't generate the same thing with people he didn't know as well, and he didn't know anyone as well as John. Though it clearly wasn't just about who he knew as well as John, but who he could comfortably work with as well as John (which was no one). Helen Zaltzman came on a few of those early episodes, and she was a fantastic guest, really funny and took Andy to task and held her own on every subject, but it is incredible how little chemistry Andy Zaltzman managed to have with his own sister. He brought in Anuvab Pal, a comedian from Mumbai whom Andy knew from his time covering cricket over there, they were friends in real life, but they often sounded like they'd never met before. The only person Andy sounded like he knew how to talk to at all was Nish, whom he'd known for a few years through stand-up by the time the Bugle 4000-series started. The Nish Kumar episodes were the best ones, especially early on, but it wasn't anywhere near the levels of Zaltzman and Oliver chemistry.

Andy has said in interviews since that he was struggling during that time, and that started occasionally making its way into the Bugle content, which previously had rarely been particularly personal. At the end of 2016, Andy Zaltzman did a year-in-review stand-up show (something he did every year for a while, a whole stand-up show written to only be performed one time to mark the end of the year), and (on the subject of reviewers who aren't Steve Bennett), Dominic Maxwell in The Times (fuck off, Times) wrote a review in which he called Andy "John Oliver's left-behind sidekick". Andy brought that up on The Bugle several times, citing the "sidekick" line with real bitterness, and rightly so. Partly because he has never been anyone's sidekick (except maybe Daniel Kitson's once in a while at old Late 'n' Live gigs), and partly because that was a solo stand-up show that was not affiliated with The Bugle and definitely had nothing to do with John Oliver, so he shouldn't have been put in John Oliver's shadow in a context like that. It was actually a 4-star review, Maxwell liked the show. But the review's first paragraph was:

Why has John Oliver become a star in America while his old partner in seemingly shambolic yet secretly serrated political satire, Andy Zaltzman, remains a cult comedian with a sideline as a cricket stats man? Is it because Zaltzman, with his receded Harpo Marx explosion of hair, is less telegenic than Oliver, with whom he co-hosted the podcast The Bugle until last year? Is it because, although he is every bit as grounded in reality as Oliver, Zaltzman is a more devotedly loopy joke-writer, so that he always adds his own twist of wry absurdism to our leaders’ already skewed logic?

Starting a four-star review with that is one hell of a backhanded compliment, no matter how positive you go on to be about the show itself. I assume that review was the main one - probably among plenty of other reviews that had built up Andy's resentment over time, but that Maxwell one was clearly the straw that broke his back - that led Andy to record this "interview with himself" to put in the "in the bin" section at the beginning of a Bugle episode in early 2017.

So the stone was starting to show serious cracks at that point. At one point in 2017, Andy plugged his upcoming run at MICF, saying it would be good to perform in Australia because his career could "flush down the toilet in the other direction" for a bit. Nish Kumar laughed way too hard at that, I remember saying to my phone, "Nish, stop! Can't you see he's having a breakdown? Stop laughing at that and give the man a hug!"

It was hard to listen to the most stoically-dedicated-to-irony-and-bullshit man I'd ever heard have a breakdown, but things eventually got steadier. Andy did some episodes from MCIF in Melbourne, and on Bugle episode 4023, in April 2017, he brought in Australian comedians Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser. Tom and Alice both became Bugle regulars, but Alice especially started doing it all the time. Alice, like Nish, told stories of how she'd been a dedicated listener to the original run of The Bugle since before she'd started stand-up, and you can see Andy's influence on her comedic style (you can see it in Nish's too - John and Andy both influencing Nish a lot, while Alice is a lot more like Andy than she is like John).

The inclusion of Alice Fraser changed the game for the rebooted Bugle, as she quickly became a very frequent presence, and Andy developed as good a rapport with her as he could have with almost anyone. There are some sweet moments in her early episodes when Alice would pull out some Zaltzman-esque puns or absurd analogies, and Andy would sound genuinely touched that someone else was into his weird niche humour. He immediately started including her in some bit parts of his stand-up shows too, whenever he was in Australia or she was in England.

The Bugle also got better once they started doing two guests at a time instead of just one. Andy has said since that at some point he realized he and John Oliver had good enough chemistry to carry an entire episode, but he couldn't manage that with anyone else. However, he could do it if there were three people, so the guests could interact with each other too, and the three different types of interactions could get them through the 40-45 minutes more easily. They also started doing Bugle live shows, which went well, got toured in England and even in America.

Since then, The Bugle has grown into a thing that is new and very different from its original form, but also very good. As of May 2024 they've just hit episode 4304, having recently passed the 295 episodes that Andy did with John Oliver. Its format has changed. People still turn up with pre-written stuff, but it's not the same perfectly choreographed/somehow improvised dance of tightly written material that it used to be. It's got a wider range of guests, more diverse topics, fewer insular in-jokes. Some other format changes too, like dropping the listener correspondence. But a lot of the guest co-hosts breathe new life into it, bring different perspectives and styles of humour, contribute more than the original version with only two people ever could. It's introduced me to lots of great comedians from various countries (well, mainly Britain and America and Australia, but a couple from India, a couple from Ireland, one I really like from NZ), I've gotten into a lot of people's stand-up because I liked them on The Bugle. They've also created spinoff podcasts, like The Gargle, hosted by Alice Fraser.

The Bugle 4000 has brought in a bunch of comedians from the younger generation, but also let Andy bring in some old friends. David O'Doherty and Josie Long of the Chocolate Milk Gang have done it a few times, they make top quality episodes. Mark Steel's been on a bunch of times, who used to do the earliest days of Political Animal and of course is a king of Radio 4 along with Andy. Mark and Andy are great together, you can hear how much they enjoy each other's company, to the point where part of me dreads the day when Andy decides to be nice to his buddy Mark and let Mark bring his son to work. I don't think they'd do that though, The Bugle has standards. No Elliot Steel, please.

A big highlight of Andy bringing back old friends is Chris Addison, who worked on The Department back in 2004-06. Addison stopped doing stand-up years ago as he got a bigger career in acting and directing and things like that, and he's said he loves doing The Bugle because it gives him a chance to write comedy material the way he doesn't anymore. And because it's the only time he does that, he's not throwing his scraps at a topical podcast while spreading ideas across multiple platforms. He's coming up with solid gold, and letting The Bugle have all of it. Every time he comes on, he does his homework so well beforehand that the other comedians, including Andy, have to raise their game to keep up.

As for Zaltzman himself, he had some shaky times for his comedy material in those early reboot days. He started seeming burned out from writing so much without getting anywhere, and was re-using a lot of concepts for a while. It wasn't bad, but he did stop innovating for a while after John Oliver disappeared. The absurd scenarios in his monologues got a bit by-the-numbers.

However, as The Bugle found its feet in the new era, Andy broke through that and started writing better than ever before. He, as they say in sports and video games, jumped levels. Suddenly came out of a plateau and immediately jumped to a much higher spot than one would expect, like the slow and steady escalation of talent suddenly caught up to him all at once. Like magic. That is one of my favourite things about sports, when an athlete suddenly jumps levels, like magic. Andy jumped levels a couple of times in the late 2010s, and it was so cool to listen to. A big part of it was the way he'd tie together lots of ideas at once instead of hitting them one at a time, the way he'd make connections that turned his monologues into more than the sum of their parts.

He really, really hit a stride in 2019, as the world went to shit around him, and he started incorporating a bit more genuine emotion than he ever had before. So many emotions, all of them various flavours of searing fury at the state of the government. At first the bits of emotion were added unexpectedly, like he was experimenting with it, but then he learned how to blend it seamlessly into his previous knack for absurd ironic bullshit, it was amazing and I think he was growing into one of the best comic writers there is.

I sort of have a theory about that, which unfortunately gets me into a sports analogy so I hope I can be indulged in that briefly. As a coach, I am very familiar with the phenomenon where two athletes work with almost no one but each other for years. In some ways it makes them much better than they could be otherwise, because they're constantly being challenged by someone who knows their style inside and out, so they have to constantly evolve in order to stay ahead of the other person figuring out how to counter what they do, pushing each other to higher levels of the sport. But in other ways, they often end up with big holes in their game, because they never learn to respond to anything their main training partner doesn't do.

I think that may have slightly happened with Zaltzman and Oliver. And more to Zaltzman than to Oliver, because John was doing all kinds of other things, writing for The Daily Show with lots of people who weren't Andy Zaltzman. While the main thing Andy did was write for The Bugle. Even in his solo stand-up career, most of his shows were the best bits of what he came up with for The Bugle, so they were still written first for the purpose of bouncing off John Oliver.

So much of the beauty in the original Bugle was the way John and Andy found each other so funny, they were writing to make each other laugh. But this meant Andy Zaltzman was restricted to material that would fit his established role in a double act. The role of being the intellectual one who comes at things sideways while John tackles them head-on. That role did not leave him space to experiment with things like genuine emotion, even in spots where that could make a routine stronger. I can think of a few Zaltzman routines from 2019 that wouldn't have worked on the original Bugle, not because they wouldn't make John Oliver laugh, but because they wouldn't really have complemented John's stuff in the right way. The original Bugle had a perfect balance of comedic styles, which was what made it great, but you can't go throwing curve balls at a balance.

So my theory is that, once Andy got away from being restricted to the perfectly chosen double act role, and he then got over his slump from when he was upset about losing the double act/possibly worried he couldn't do it on his own, he had a couple of levels that were ready to be jumped. The Bugle released a bunch of the recording from Andy Zaltzman's year-in-review stand-up show from the end of 2019, and it's incredible. The "best of" from an absolutely stellar Bugle year, taking the strongest bits from all those weeks he'd spent writing, and tying them around some structure. It's one of the best fucking things I've ever heard. Andy Zaltzman does everything at once in it.

In 2019, Miles Jupp left The News Quiz, a major topical comedy panel show on Radio 4 (I'm pretty sure it's the major comedy show on Radio 4). Angela Barnes, Nish Kumar, and Andy Zaltzman - three of The News Quiz's most frequent guests at the time - each spent some time guest hosting it, as they applied for the role of permanent host. Andy got the job. He mentioned this on The Bugle during the week before his first episodes of The News Quiz as permanent host, and did it with his usual flair for self-promotion, which is almost none, he just said it's happening. Fortunately Nish Kumar was on that Bugle episode with him, and Nish insisted on interrupting Andy to tell the listeners what a big deal The News Quiz is, that Andy won't brag about it but he got a huge job on a flagship show after years and years of smaller spots on radio shows and earning his place there, and it's really cool. It was adorable to hear Nish hyping up Andy for getting a job for which (Nish didn't mention this part) Nish Kumar had also applied.

In October 2022, John Oliver came back for a special Bugle 15th birthday episode, just him and Andy for half an hour, and it made me have to pull my hat down on the bus so people couldn't see that I had tears in my eyes from laughter (honestly, I should have anticipated that and not listened to it on the bus). It had been years since they'd worked together, and they mentioned during that episode that they hadn't seen each other in years and hadn't even had much contact since the end of The Bugle, but somehow they fell right back into the perfect rhythm. It's nice to know the magic's still there, even if they're not using it anymore.

So that pretty much brings you up to speed with where Andy Zaltzman's at now. For the last few years, his career has been hosting The Bugle in its expanded form that includes live shows sometimes, hosting The News Quiz, collating cricket stats and still doing lots of cricket-related work. He hasn't done a new Edinburgh hour since 2019, but he toured Satirist For Hire in 2022. He definitely can't describe his career with the term "Jack K. Shit going on" anymore.

Quick question, just asking for a friend - how many thousand words do you have to write before something goes from being "quite long for a Tumblr post" to "quite short for a biographical book"?

In fall 2023, Andy Zaltzman mentioned that he "might" have some new stand-up to announce soon. That surprised me, because to be honest, between The News Quiz and The Bugle and the cricket, he's fucking busy these days, and he must be making enough money to not need stand-up. He turns 50 this October. He's been slowing down the stand-up over the last few years, after about twenty years of doing it constantly. I thought he might be winding down that side of his career.

But suddenly, he's mentioning possible new stand-up in 2024. He mentioned it briefly in the fall and then didn't bring it up for so long that I started to think he must have changed his mind about it. But then, in spring 2024, he suddenly started talking about live gigs again. He booked some WIPs in May and June and plugged them on The Bugle. He slowly, with his usual level of self-promotional skills, barely admitted to the fact that he has a whole stand-up tour planned for November 2024. "November 2024?" I thought. "That seems odd. Andy rarely plans so far ahead, he's usually scrambling to plug gigs he forgot he has next week. And now, when I'd thought he might be leaving stand-up behind, he's planning an entire tour many months in advance. Why did he suddenly decide to do a whole big stand-up tour again, and once he did decide that, why did he plan it for so late in the year? I mean, I'm not complaining. More Zaltzman stand-up is great! But it's a break from his usual pattern."

That is what I thought, to myself, as I listened to his updates on The Bugle. And then I sat in the break room at work and I refreshed a page and saw the Taskmaster season 18 lineup and I jumped into the air and all became clear. He's capitalizing. Andy "No Commercial Promotion Skills Whatsoever" Zaltzman is going to capitalize on his fall 2024 Taskmaster bump in popularity by following it up with a tour. I'm so fucking pleased for him.

Guys. It's going to be so good. He's so good, you're all going to love him, I promise. Do you know what it will do to Taskmaster to have someone who can run circles around Alex Horne in the field of analyzing everything via obscure statistics? He's going to make Alex look like an amateur. He's going to have an explanation for every single thing that happens and none of the explanations will be rooted in any kind of reality but they will all make internal sense.

Oh God, people are going to have to talk about him. It is so funny to listen to people try to work out what to make of Andy Zaltzman, particularly if they're not in Andy's carefully curated niche of people whom he's decided he can manage to talk to. Ed Gamble is going to talk about Andy Zaltzman. 17 years after sharing a stage with Andy at Late 'n' Live where Andy declared Marek Larwood the most fuckable member of We Are Klang (he was incorrect, but not for the reasons Tumblr thinks, I would like to immediately apologize for saying that), Greg Davies will have to judge whatever absurd bullshit comes out of Andy's brain. There will be so many cricket references.

Have I mentioned that a cornerstone of Andy Zaltzman's comedy is turning everything into a sport? That's part of his absurd analogies, he analyzes everything as though it's sports. And I love people who analyze Taskmaster as though it's sports. Andy Zaltzman is going to go on Taskmaster and treat it like sports. Oh it's going to be so much fun!

I cannot wait. I cannot fucking wait. I've just realized he's going to have to plug Taskmaster on The Bugle. That'll be weird. Who's on TV now, Johnny Showbiz? I mean, still John, still very much John Oliver, but Andy as well now! You did it, Andy! It only took 17 years!

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leoncillo · 1 year ago

Text

I said Urogi would be next, but my brain said no and gave me this instead. I wrote it in one session so it's not edited at all ><;

SFW, GN reader but reader wears a skirt and is called pretty, Black reader, autistic reader, autistic Aizetsu, Aizetsu has anxiety, reader is chronically ill/has chronic pain

You notice the boys have been a bit listless so you decide to take them out. But individually. It must be tiring always being part of a group, right?

Aizetsu

Karaku was enthralled with his new PS5 game when a knock on his door interrupted him.

"Come in!"

Aizetsu slowly opened the door and stepped in, but didn't go farther than that. He seemed more awkward and folded in on himself than usual. Droplets of sweat hung from his brow and his hands seemed to desperately fidget with the hem of his shirt.

"Oh man. You're spiraling again. What is it this time?" asked Karaku patting the bed beside him, "tell big bro what's wrong."

Without looking up from his feet, Aizetsu shuffled over to sit next to his brother. The closeness seeming to ease his troubles a tiny bit. "W-What should I do when y/n takes me on our date?"

"You go on the date and have fun."

"Not like that. I mean...how should I act? What do I say? Oh god-" said Aizetsu, as he was already starting to hyperventilate.

Karaku sighed and held his arms open, inviting Aizetsu to rest his head on his lap. "Calm down! Breathe. Remember how we showed you?" said Karaku, as he lightly pat his brother's head.

After about a minute or two, Aizetsu felt well enough to continue.

"I want to impress them. A-And I want them to see I can be strong and confident, too."

"But they already like you the way that you are. You don't have to impress them, silly."

"I know I don't have to, but I want to. That's what men are supposed to do, right?"

Karaku sighed knowing he wasn't going to be able to change his brother's mind.

"I got it! You can take them to the amusement park. You're as good at games as I am. Win them tons of prizes to show off. Let them hold onto you on scary rides so you can comfort them."

"That sounds... possible. Yeah. Yeah! I can do that" said Aizetsu as he sat up in excitement, the corners of his lips turned upward just a little.

You were a bit surprised when Aizetsu came to you with an idea for your date. He seemed genuinely excited and eager to go. He didn't like to take the initiative often. Scared to step on Sekido's toes a lot of the time.

As usual, you waited for your boyfriend at the bottom of the stairs. For this date, you decide to wear a blue pinafore skirt with a short sleeve yellow shirt underneath, yellow thigh highs, with blue and yellow colorway Jordan's for all the walking you were about to do. You put your hair up in pigtails and wore a black mini backpack big enough to store your foldable cane just in case.

You looked up as you heard your boyfriend approach followed by Karaku and Zohakuten. His hair was brushed through and tied into a low ponytail and topped with a navy blue slouchy beanie. He had on a lightweight tan button up underneath a plaid dark blue long sleeve unbuttoned and dark blue denim jeans with fresh white air forces.

"Oooh you look so cute, 'Zetsu!" you said as he met you by the door.

He blushed and looked down and mumbled a small "thank you"

A few steps away, Karaku coughed loudly.

"Thank you! You look amazing as always, Y/n" said a suddenly reanimated and forward facing Aizetsu "we should get going."

As the two of you made your way through the park entrance you were bombarded with lights all around from the many booths, rides, and attractions.

"It's so pretty at night!" you said.

"N-Not as pretty as you" said Aizetsu who looked away, but gave your hand a squeeze. "What do you wanna do first?"

"Hmm well all the nocturnal animals should be awake in the animal exhibits! I wanna see some bats!"

Aizetsu led you to the entrance of the maze like animal attraction area. They kept the walkways dark so the slideshows on the walls were well visible at all times. It felt like walking through a movie theater of National Geographic documentaries.

"The aquarium is first" said Aizetsu.

You gasped and pulled him over to the giant tanks. The colors and movements of the fish a constant rainbow for your eyes. You smiled in wonder.

"Hey I've never seen that kind of jellyfish before."

"T-That's a lion's mane jellyfish. They're one of the longest animals in the world. Even compared to blue whales. I like the orange ones the best, but they come in other colors. They only live about a year, though. It's sad, really" said Aizetsu.

You stared at him in amazement. That was the most he's ever spoken at once He knew all of that without even looking at the info plaques, too.

When he realized you were quiet he turned to see you looking at him in shock.

"I-I'm sorry. I was talking a lot, wasn't I? I'll stop I promise" he said looking away in embarrassment.

"No no. That was actually so cool! You must like jellyfish a lot, huh?"

He raised a brow at "cool", but nodded yes. "I used to read about them all the time and I would draw them, but the main body told me to stop. It would get hard for me to focus on anything else like fighting."

You held your chin in thought. Could Aizetsu be autistic, too? Would that mean they all are? Or do they have individual brains? Or-

"Y/n."

Your thought bubble burst when you snapped back to reality. "Huh? Oh I'm sorry. I was spacing out a bit there. What did you say?"

He was pointing at a clownfish. "It's the fish from that movie you like, right?

You perked up. "Oh yeah the clownfish! Funny, clownfish can actually change gender. They're all born male, but can later change to female. The fish in the movie could've changed when his wife died."

They do it, too? Aizetsu thought as he watched you info dump about clownfish like it was a normal thing to do.

You realized you had been droning on and on and blushed. "Oh jeez. Sorry. I didn't mean to-" you flinched when he leaned down closer to your face.

"No, please. Don't apologize for that, it'll make me sad. I love when you talk."

Your eyes lingered on each other's for a bit. "Only if you don't apologize, either. Please."

About an hour later, your hands were full with two bags of plushies that Aizetsu won for you as the two of you sat down to take a break. "This has been so much fun!" you shouted, exhausted.

"I'm having fun, too" said Aizetsu with a small smile "but are you feeling okay? Maybe we should go home?"

From the corner of your eye, you saw a game booth down the way with a jellyfish plushie as a prize. You had to get it!

However, unbeknownst to you, Aizetsu saw a different booth with a clownfish plushie. He had to get it!

"I have to go to the bathroom" the two of you said in unison.

"Right. Uh meet back here? In about 10 minutes?"

He nodded in agreement before the two of you split up.

When you approached the booth, something felt wrong, but you couldn't pinpoint what. Just a feeling of being watched.

The game was simple enough. Throw a ring around a bottle for a prize. "Hey what color do I have to get for the giant jelly?" you asked the attendant.

"For the big boy here, you gotta land on red" said the man as he patted the plushie.

"Deal!" you said as you handed him some money and gave it a try.

You tried. And tried. And tried. On the verge of tears, on your last attempt a red bottle suddenly appeared under your ring and it slid down. You weren't sure what was happening, but you chalked it up to being tired and celebrated anyway.

"Hell yeah! He's gonna love this. I'll take the big jelly, sir" you said, and held out your hands.

As soon as the plushie was in your hands, a hand quickly covered your mouth and the world spinned as you were quickly... almost inhumanly transported somewhere else.

You were thrown on the ground with your bags and things only to find yourself surrounded by a group of about five male demons.

"I think I found us a good one for tonight, boys!" said the one that had rudely thrown you to the ground.

"Hey! What the hell! What do you want from me?" you asked, starting to get worried.

"The rest of your money and your life" said another.

You gazed over and saw another going through your bags of plushies and ripping them apart looking for anything valuable.

"Hey! Stop that! My boyfriend won me those!" you said trying to fight back.

Your body skidded along the dirt as you were easily pushed back.

"Eh, boss. There's nothing valuable here. Just these stupid toys."

Your eyes widened as the lackey went to grab the jellyfish plushie. "No!"

Against your better judgement, you had sprang to your feet and charged the man hard enough to get him to drop the plushie that you latched onto with a death grip.

"Why you little -" the boss of the group started before smacking you hard across the face, sending you skidding across the ground once more.

Before you could get up, the demon was already on top of you with a menacing smile. "Well if you don't have anything else, I know a way you can make up the difference" he said, lifting up your skirt with a claw.

You panicked and tried to scoot away only to get dragged by by your ankle.

"Hey, now. Where ya goin? The party is just getting star-"

The atmosphere suddenly grew extremely heavy. It became harder to breathe and the saliva in your mouth dried up, the feeling of pure malice and murderous intent in the aura made your body feel like lead. You knew what it meant, but never experienced it from the specific source before. You turned your body just enough to see a pair of blue eyes glowing in the darkness.

"An upper moon?! What's an upper moon doing here?" said the boss demon as he stepped away from you.

Aizetsu stepped into the moonlight, a clownfish plushie in one hand and his spear in the other, shaking in fury. You tried to get a better look at his face, but to your surprise his expression wasn't angry. It was blank. Like somewhere deep in his mind blew a fuse. It was somehow scarier than if he had been scowling.

"Don't move, y/n" was all he said, not even looking at you.

You nodded okay anyway.

Faster than you could blink, limbs were being separated from their bodies as they started to be ripped into shreds like a blender. You could barely see the spear move through the air, but you didn't dare move to try to find it.

The other four demons or what was left of them scattered in the breeze as Aizetsu had the boss against a tree with a spear to his neck.

"It makes me sad I can't kill you twice" he said before lopping off the demons head.

Oh. That's hot!

You laid back against the ground and sighed in relief and fatigue. Hungrily taking in gasps of air as the atmosphere softened again.

"Sweetheart, are you alright?" said Aizetsu offering you a hand up.

Your legs and hands had been scraped up pretty badly, your skirt was ripped and ruined, and blood trickled down your chin from a busted lip. You were gonna have a horrible morning.

"Heh. Yeah I'm fine. That was wild. You looked so-" you found yourself backed against a tree trunk before you could finish.

The blank look was still on his face and you shuddered. Was he mad at you? You opened your mouth to apologize before he slowly licked the blood off your face.

"Wha-uh" you blushed and turned into a flustered mess.

A hand snaked up to grip your neck and chin softly as he crashed his lips into yours. The other hand pulling you closer to his body and gripping your ass. He let a deep growl rumble through his chest before letting you go.

Aizetsu had never felt the mix of emotions he was feeling at the moment. Something inside his head just snapped seeing you hurt and threatened. He looked at you who stared back at him as if he put the stars in the sky and blushed.

He supposed that meant mission accomplished, not knowing you were impressed from the start.

"Let go home, y/n."

(*cough*You, of course, got railed. And Karaku hi-fived Aizetsu in pride and congratulations. *Cough*)

#aizetsu x reader #hantengu clones #demon slayer #aizetsu

117 notes · View notes

minthandsoap · 8 months ago

Text

꧁•⊹٭𝙾𝚑 𝙿𝚛𝚘𝚏𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚘𝚛!٭⊹•꧂

𝐚/𝐧: 𝐁𝐨𝐱𝐞𝐫 𝐀𝐔 𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐭𝐰 𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲. 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐮𝐩𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥. 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐢𝐝𝐤 𝐰𝐡𝐲, 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭. 𝐈𝐟 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞, 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐨𝟑. 𝐀𝐥𝐬𝐨, 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐬𝐨 𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞. 𝐈𝐟 𝐢𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐩!

𝐜𝐰: 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫/𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩. 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧!

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐰𝐨

𝟥.𝟤𝓀 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝒹𝓈

Marie Moreau sat alone in the almost empty lecture hall, fidgeting with her notebook, waiting for the second class of her last year to begin. The late afternoon sun slanted through the high windows, casting long shadows across the wooden floor. She tapped her pen rhythmically against the worn cover of her notebook, a nervous habit usually reserved for finals or midterms. Today was the first day of her senior year at Goldokin University, and a mix of excitement and apprehension bubbled in her stomach.

The cause of her nervousness stemmed from the empty chair behind the professor’s oak desk. Unlike most of her classes at Goldokin where her professors were familiar faces, in this particular class her professor was unknown. She could find no hints of who they were from their syllabus, not even a school email yet. At the top, it simply stated: “Poetry of Desire – Professor Jordan Li.” Marie couldn’t help but find the anonymity interesting (despite the fact that she spent more time than needed, trying to find at least a Facebook), however, this mystery professor was a complete enigma.

Still, this wasn't how Marie had envisioned her senior year at Goldokin University. Usually, her schedule mirrored that of her best friend, Emma, but this semester they unfortunately had conflicting schedules. This class was the only one that would fulfill her missing English requirements and she was not going to mess with her curated schedule her senior year, so she would just have to deal with being alone for 90 minutes.

A sigh left her lips, as she shivered a bit, regret gnawing at her as she looked down at her outfit. ‘I shouldn’t have worn this damn skirt. It’s freezing in this fucking classroom’ She tried to rub some warmth into her bare legs, the friction offering a temporary relief. Another sigh left her lips as she watched the classroom slowly begin to pile in with students. She groaned, pulling her phone out from her bag, scrolling through the weather app mindlessly, desperately trying to feel less awkward than she felt at that current moment.

The classroom was bustling around her as students settled in seats around her. She put on a smile for some classmates who stopped by, their conversations more about last night's party than anything else but her mind couldn’t focus on those conversations. “Where is this professor?” she thought once she noticed the filled lecture hall. Just then, the heavy door near the front creaked open, shattering the silence. A hush fell over the room as a man walked in, carrying a large stack of folders with an air of quiet confidence.

Marie’s breath hitched. She wasn’t expecting him. Most of her professors being much older or… rough looking but this man was the epitome of fucking hot. He had dark hair that fell into his eyes as he scanned the room, a small smile played on his face that sent a jolt straight in between Marie’s legs. His crisp white shirt strained ever so slightly across broad shoulders, hinting at an athletic build beneath.

“Good afternoon, everyone,” he said, his voice a deep tenor that sent a shiver down Marie’s spine. “Welcome to Poetry of Desire. I’m Professor Li.”

A low murmur rippled through the class, a collective appreciation for this fucking feast to the eyes. “Who is he? Didn’t know we were going to be taught by a fucking model in this class.” she heard some girl next to her say.

Marie could have sworn the temperature of the room spiked ten degrees. God even his voice is hot as hell Marie groaned. His gaze swept the room, eyes landing on Marie for a beat too long. She felt a blush creep up her neck as she crossed her legs tightly. Around her, everyone was whispering.

A hint of amusement colored Professor Li's smile as he cleared his throat. "This is my first semester here at Goldokin, well," he chuckled, "technically my first semester back."

He’s an alumni? Marie thought, leaning forward in her seat.

“Now I admit,” Jordan continued, his dark eyes twinkling. “I graduated with a degree in Crimefighting,”

The whispers intensified, a wave of curiosity washing over the room. “But," he held up a hand, silencing the growing buzz, “Crimefighting and poetry have more in common than you think,” Jordan continued, his dark eyes twinkling, “both delve into the darkest corners of the human psyche, explore the complexities of desire.”

A slow grin spread across his face. “Believe it or not, there’s a surprising amount of literary analysis involved in Crimefighting.” “Nah, I’m just messing. I minored in English, everything I just said was complete bullshit,” he added with a wink. A wave of laughter washed over the classroom, the tension easily dissolving from Jordan’s charm. The way Jordan spoke, with such passion and a hint of mischief, made even the most mundane words sound alluring.

“So,” he said, pushing himself away from the podium. “If you have questions about me, the syllabus or the course content, ask them now. This is your only chance to ask me questions.”

“Wait, Professor Li, what about your powers?” a student spoke up from Marie’s left. “We wanna know!” A chorus of agreement echoed through the room, a mixture of curiosity and excitement.

Jordan chuckled, a deep, captivating sound that made Marie shiver. Crossing his arms, he strode towards the center of the floor, the amusement in his eyes deepening. "Well," he began, his voice dropping to a low tone. “I can do this.”

In a blink, Jordan’s appearance shifted. He shrunk by a few inches, short hair growing into a neat bob just above their shoulders. His features softened, and his voice, when he spoke again, was a lot lighter. “Super strength and invulnerability with my male form. Agility and energy blasts with this form and all that jazz,” Jordan added with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“Holy shit!” a student exclaimed. “You’re that Jordan Li?” Marie blinked, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid. How could she not have recognized them? She'd seen their picture plastered fucking everywhere during her online searches for them, it just didn’t click for her that her professor would not only be hot but fucking famous as well.

"The one and fucking only," Jordan laughed, his voice now unmistakably feminine.

"Weren't you supposed to join The Seven?" Marie blurted out before she could stop herself. The surprise on Jordan's face was quickly replaced by a knowing smile. "I mean," she stammered, trying to salvage her dignity, "everyone was hoping you'd join the team, but then…" Her voice trailed off, mortified by her own social awkwardness.

"Does 'everyone' include you?" Jordan teased, a playful lilt to their voice. Marie felt her cheeks burn, a jumbled mess of words swirling in her head. "No – I-I meant – well…"

Jordan's laughter cut through her flustered state. “Relax, I'm just teasing," they said, their gaze leaving hers to address the entire class. "The Seven just wasn't for me," they smirked with a wink. "Turns out, I work best in a classroom, surrounded by passionate minds like yours."

“If there are no more questions about me…” Jordan's voice trailed off, a playful challenge in his eyes as she scanned the classroom. The silence stretched, punctuated only by the nervous coughs of a few students. “Let’s do introductions. Tell me your name, your year, and why you decided to take this class.”

Jordan scanned the room, her gaze landing on Marie for the third time. This time, a single eyebrow quirked upwards, a silent invitation for her to be first. Marie felt a blush creep up her cheeks once more. With a deep breath, she forced herself to meet her gaze, a spark of something… alluring igniting between them. Clearing her throat, she decided to take the bait.

“I’m Marie Moreau,” she said, her voice surprisingly steady, “a senior. And as for why I’m here… this class satisfies a credit I needed and this sounded less… boring than the other options.”

A slow smile spread across Professor Li’s face. “Marie Moreau,” she repeated, letting the name roll off her tongue. “A beautiful name to match a beautiful girl. An honest answer too. Well hopefully this class becomes more than just a ‘check’ on your transcript and that you truly learn something from this.”

His gaze held hers for a beat too long, sending a shiver down Marie's spine. ‘Oh my god, what are they doing to me!’ Marie squirmed in her seat, involuntarily squeezing her thighs together trying to stop the wetness pooling in between them.

“Who’s next,” they clapped once, and the entire room’s hands shot up.

I’m so glad I don’t have any more classes after this Marie mused to herself.

Marie’s mind has strayed, gaze focused on the ticking clock above the classroom door. Professor Li’s passionate voice that was once so enthralling to her, has faded into the back of her mind. She can’t help it. No professor has ever been able to capture her attention for the entire time, no matter how hot they were. She was lost in a daydream, a replay of their earlier exchange – the way his gaze had lingered on hers, the unexpected warmth in his smile.

“...touching you I catch midnight, as moon fires set in my throat, I love you flesh into blossom, I made you, and take you made into me.” Jordan finished the poem, leaning against their desk.

“Alright, class,” Jordan’s voice boomed, snapping Marie back to reality. “After reading the poem…”

Poem? What fucking poem? Marie panicked, looking around the room to see everyone focused on a poem on their screens. Don’t freak out Marie, she won’t call on you Marie reassured herself.

"Excellent points, Emily," Jordan said, a smile gracing his lips. They scanned the room, their gaze inevitably landing on Marie. Her breath hitched. She knew, with certainty, that it was they were looking at her to speak. But her mind was a blank, the poem's words never having the chance to register in her brain.

Panic clawed at her throat. She tried to formulate a response, anything to salvage the situation. But all that came out was a strangled, pathetic stutter. "I, uh…" Her voice died in her throat. “What was the question?” she tried, stalling.

Jordan's smile faltered, a flicker of annoyance replacing it. A beat of awkward silence stretched between them, the weight of everyone's attention heavy on Marie's shoulders. “The speaker, assuming it to be the author Audre Lorde,” they finally spoke, crossing their arms over their torso, “describes herself as "charged and waiting" after the encounter. How does this particular language connect to the idea of self-discovery and empowerment through love?”

Marie gapped, opening and closing her mouth rapidly trying to come up with some bullshit of an answer. Finally, she mumbled, the words barely audible, “I… I wasn’t really paying attention.”

A couple of laughs scattered through the class. Shame burned hot on Marie’s cheeks. She needed to floor to fucking swallow her whole.

"It’s disappointing that I bored you already, Ms. Moreau," Jordan said, her voice clipped with a hint of disappointment, "I expect active participation in this class. Especially when the poem is as rich in meaning as this one." They paused, the silence thick with tension. “Stay after class.” they said with finality.

Marie’s stomach lurched. Making a bad impression on the new teacher is not what she wanted. Her classmates snickered around her. Marie flushed even deeper, wishing she’d disappear into her seat.

The rest of the class seemed to drag on forever. Each analysis, each discussion, flew over Marie’s mind. She could only focus on calming the nerves building in her as she watched the clock count down to the end of class. The bell finally rang, and she hastily slugged her backpack over her shoulder hoping to blend in with the mass of students filing out.

“Ms. Moreau,” Marie sighed, stopping dead in her tracks. “I hope you weren’t trying to leave?” they quirked an eyebrow at her. “Sit down.”

Marie nodded mutely, sitting at a seat right in front of their desk. The classroom quickly emptied out, leaving her and Professor Li alone. Stealing a glance at Jordan, she saw her pack their things, her expression unreadable. She watched as they sighed quietly, putting on their reading glasses and perched themself at the edge of their desk.

“Look, Ms. Moreau,” Jordan began, their voice gentle. “I understand minds wandering,” she paused, a hint of amusement creeping in her tone, “but you gotta work with me here. It’s embarrassing that I can’t keep the top ranked student in this school's attention.”

Marie’s cheeks burned again. She mumbled an apology, her voice barely a whisper.

“No need,” Jordan smiled, waving her hand. “All I want is your engagement. Help keep the rest of the class engaged.”

They fixed her with a gaze that was both assessing and strangely intense. “Tell me, Marie, did you get the chance to read the poem?”

Marie nodded quickly, trying to salvage some semblance of her fucking dignity. “Yeah. I read it as soon as you… called me out.” She chuckled nervously.

Jordan raised a brow. “Good, good. So enlighten me: tell me what it’s about.”

"It's… about taking control," she whispered, surprised by the boldness of her own voice. "About owning your sexuality, your body, your…" she faltered, searching for the right word.

“Passion?” Jordan offered, a slight smile curving her lips. She leaned forward, her voice dropping to a low murmur that sent shivers down Marie’s spine. “And do you think there’s a connection between the poem and, well, the real world?”

Marie met her gaze, a spark of something unexpected igniting between them. "Maybe," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Maybe the poem is just reminding us that desire can be powerful, beautiful, and sometimes a little bit dangerous."

Jordan's smile widened, a flicker of something akin to approval dancing in her eyes. "Indeed, Ms. Moreau," she said, her voice soft. “Indeed.” A beat of silence hung in the air, charged with an undeniable tension. They slowly made their way across the room, switching between their male and female forms with ease. “And maybe the poem is reminding us to indulge in our desires,” they settled into their female form, unbuttoning a few buttons from their button down top, standing directly in front of Marie, “to give into our wants…” they trailed off, eyes staring deep into her soul. “What do you want, Marie?” they titled their head to the side, face now extremely close to Marie’s.

“What do I want?” Marie gulped shifting in her seat, pulling the hem of her skirt down.

Jordan chuckled, observing the action before asking again. “Yes, Marie. What do you want? I know what I want,” they smiled, eyes fleeting from her eyes to her lips. “What about you?”

Marie’s breath hitched, heart racing from the lack of distance from between them. They had stopped just before her lips, looking into her eyes, waiting for her to react.

“I want…” she trailed off, breathing heavily. She stared back into the eyes that bore so deeply into hers. She tried to focus her mind, snap herself out of it but she couldn’t. Trapped in the deep brown eyes of the Professor that stood over her.

“Fuck it,” she wrapped a hand behind their neck, pulling their lips down to meet hers.

Jordan's lips were warm and soft against Marie's, their kiss deepening with a hunger that surprised them both. The tension that had crackled between them blossomed into a fierce passion, igniting a fire within Marie that she had never experienced before. Her hands tangled in their hair, pulling them closer as if trying to erase any space between them.

As they finally broke the kiss, their breaths coming fast and erratic, Jordan's eyes bore into Marie's with an intensity that made her heart race even faster. There was a mix of desire and something more profound in their gaze, a silent question lingering in the air.

"Is this what you want, Marie?" Jordan whispered, their voice husky with emotion.

Marie searched their eyes for one singular moment.

“I fucking want this. I want you,” she continued, the words barely audible, her voice trembling with desire.

A slow smile spread across Jordan’s lips as they leaned down to capture Marie’s lips again. “Stand up,” they mumbled against her lips. They shifted into their male form, lips not leaving the other as Marie stood up from her desk. He lifted her from the ground, wrapping her legs around their waist as he walked them over to his desk at the front of the classroom. He quickly placed Marie on the oak desk before hands were desperately touching the other’s body.

Their kiss grew more heated, Marie’s hands quickly finding its way to the waist of his pants. Jordan quickly pulled away, panting heavily.

"No need to rush," he said with a chuckle, his breaths still catching slightly. He turned away from her, walking around her to the side of the desk, clearing off his textbooks and the rest of his belongings before coming to stand in front of Marie again.

“Lay down,” he ordered as he unbuttoned the rest of his top.

She followed his command without hesitation, her heart pounding in her chest as she lay down on the cool wooden surface. Jordan watched her for a moment, his eyes roaming her body, taking in every curve and contour. He then knelt beside her, reaching out to trace a finger along her jawline, gently cupping her cheek in his palm.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, kissing the side of her lips. “And I want you so much it fucking hurts,” he groaned, palming his throbbing bulge through his pants.

Marie's breath caught in her throat as he leaned down, his mouth claiming hers in a kiss that was both tender and fierce. Their tongues danced together, tangling in a passionate embrace. She moaned into his mouth, her hands gripping his face, pulling him closer.

Jordan broke the kiss, his eyes shining with lust as he stood next to her, crotch directly in front of her face. He unzipped his pants, slowly reaching down for his dick. His fingers wrapped around the shaft, stroking it gently as he watched Marie's eyes widen in anticipation.

“Wanna put my dick in your pretty little mouth,” he whispered again, a low growl rumbling in his chest. “Shove it down your needy throat,” he sighed as he guided his dick close to her mouth. “Be a good girl and open wide f’ me.”

Marie’s breath hitched, her heart pounding in her chest as she nodded.

“Good girl,” they smiled as they watched Marie widen her lips. “So good and obedient. Take it all, baby,” he groaned, closing his eyes as Marie’s lips wrapped around his tip. “Fucking swallow it whole.”

Her lips enclosed his dick, the sensation causing her to shudder with pleasure. She savored the taste, the texture, the power she held in her hands as she controlled him with every movement.

Jordan leaned forward, gripping the edge of the desk next to Marie’s head as he watched her skillful movements. He couldn’t remember ever receiving head as good as this, feeling so fucking consumed with need. His eyes devoured her, the sight of her lips wrapped around his dick, her head bobbing up and down, driving him wild. He thrust into her mouth, his hips moving in a consistent rhythm.

“That’s it, Marie,” he groaned his voice thick with lust. “Slobber your spit on my fucking dick. Show me how much you– fuck,” his eyes rolled back to his skull, “how much you fucking want it.”

Marie hummed around his dick, the vibrations sending waves of pleasure down his spine. She pulled back, her lips sliding off with a wet pop.

“I want it all, Professor,” she whispered, looking up at him through hooded eyelids. “Give me everything–” she was cut off by a hand behind her head, shoving her mouth back on Jordan’s dick.

Jordan let out a low moan, his hands tightening in her locs. “Shush, stop talking and take it.” He thrust into her mouth, his hips bucking against the desk, driving his dick deeper into her throat.

Marie gagged, but she didn’t pull away. She swallowed her saliva and the taste of her Professor’s dick, choking slightly as she stayed obedient. She felt his hands grip her hair tighter, the pleasure and pain blending together as she took him deeper and deeper.

“You’re so fucking good at that, baby,” he choked out, his hips moving faster, his orgasm building. “I’m gonna fill your mouth full of my cum. You like that, don’t you?”

Marie nodded her head vigorously, eyes tearing up from the strain of her throat. Marie's throat seemed to expand, accommodating his dick as it slid down, tickling her throat. Her nails dug into his thighs, and she could feel her own desire building, the throbbing between her legs making her clit tingle.

“Oh fuck, Marie,” he growled, his hands releasing her hair as he held her head still, leaning in closer till their faces were inches apart. “I’m about to cum to fucking hard. Need to see your eyes when it happens.”

She met his gaze, her own eyes filled with desire and hunger, and gave a low hum of agreement. Jordan groaned, his hips picking up their pace, fucking her face with long, hard strokes. Her throat stretched around him, his dick head glistening with her saliva as she worked. Jordan groaned, his body tensing as he exploded into Marie’s mouth, his cum spurting out in thick ropes down her throat.

She swallowed hard, her throat muscles constricting around his dick as it pulsed, filling her with his hot, sticky seed. Her own legs squeezing tight together.

She moaned around his dick, the vibrations causing Jordan's whole body to shudder. He held her head still, his eyes locked on hers as he thrust into her mouth, milking every last drop of his orgasm into her eager throat.

Finally, his thrusts slowed, and he pulled out of her mouth with a wet pop. He staggered backwards away from the desk, his ragged breaths barely under control as he gazed at the young woman on the desk in front him, her eyes glazed with pleasure, her lips swollen from his cock.

“Marie, Marie, Marie,” he whispered, shifting into his female form, “there’s so much more I wanna do to you.”

so yeah, part two dropping today. it would've been all in here had I realized I never fucking completed this fic lmaoo. literally read it at one am and figured it just stops mid-sex. wasn't gonna stay up to finish it though (like I've done too many times)

it will come today unless something prevents me from uploading.

also, being so serious. if you are a minor, do NOT interact with my blog, period. I will hunt you and find you.

#gen v #limoreau #marie moreau #jordan li #jordan li x marie moreau #mariejordan #marie moreau x jordan li #god my name under the limoreau tag again #limoreau fic #limoreau oneshot

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