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kwanisms · 1 year ago

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Focus on Me — h.zitao

«« previous | soloist masterlist

➮ dom!Tao × brat!Reader

wc: 9.4k (I have no shame. I blame you anya)

summary: After you spent the last two years regretting your decision to turn down Tao's offer in Shanghai, the universe has graciously chosen to give you a second chance when he shows up at your friend's wedding. The question is, will you take it?

genres/themes/au: angst, smut, fluff; strangers to lovers, mature themes; non idol au, ceo au

warnings: adult dialogue, female reader, alcohol consumption, sexual content (18+ mdni), see smut warnings under the cut!

permanent taglist: @yoonguurt @wonderfulshinee @candidupped @dejavernon @violagoth @tigermoonbiss @katsukis1wife @luvsooby @thesolarplanetarysystem @salty-for-suga @devilsmatches @dmnspiit

exo taglist: @cixrosie @anyamaris @briannabk22 @is4b3ll3s @plants-w0rld

special tags: @wooyoungmybelovedhusband @kpop-stories-21 @stardragongalaxy

join my taglists: permanent | group

a/n: I don't really have much to say about this except that Anya made me do it with a little encouragement from Aera and Sar lol this is the last part though. I'm not doing anymore for this series lol with that being said, thank you so much for reading and as always, this is a work of fiction and all characters are not reflective of their respective irl counterparts. for entertainment purposes only. banner made by me. I do not allow reposts or translations of my works. All my works are ©️ kwanisms.

smut warnings: oral (f receiving, m receiving), facefucking (f receiving), unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it!), dom!Tao (and he's got a big dick still), brat!Reader, edging (f receiving), choking kink, impact play (light slapping - f receiving, heavy spanking - f receiving), dirty talk, punishment (f receiving), praise, use of pet names (baby, baby girl, pretty girl, sweetheart, princess, kitten, slut), creampie, definitive daddy kink, dacryphilia, I think I got everything but as always, if I missed anything, please let me know!

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“Y/N!!”

Turning on your heel, you hurried back to the small hallway where Bai was hiding behind a wall, pacing quickly while hyperventilating while Gwen held her bouquet. You glanced at your other friend who shook her head. “I have no idea,” Gwen said, holding her hands and both hers and Bai’s bouquets up.

You walked over, taking Bai’s hands in your hands. “Talk to me,” you whispered, forcing her to stop pacing. “What’s going on?”

Bai let out a long sigh before she launched into explanation. Most of it, from what you could discern, stemmed from her insecurities and the fear of being left at the altar. That was an easy fix.

“There’s a major chance that Jun is going to get cold feet,” Bai said tearfully. You offered her a kind smile. “He’s already at the altar waiting for you, girl,” you replied, giving her hands a gentle squeeze.

Bai looked up, meeting your gaze. “Really?” You nodded in response. “I just saw him before I came back here.” Bai smiled, relief flooding her features. She turned to look at Gwen. “I’m sorry for worrying you,” she said, taking her bouquet from the blonde.

Gwen shook her head, wrapping an arm around Bai's shoulders. “What are friends for if not to stand by you on the best day of your life while you have a panic attack?” Gwen asked, making Bai burst into laughter. You pulled out a small white handkerchief and carefully dabbed at Bai's eyes so as to not ruin her makeup.

“Come on,” you said, handing the handkerchief to your friend.

“You’ve got a man to marry!”

Tao glanced up from his watch as his driver pulled onto the street, the navigation system announcing their arrival time. The buildings around were all old brick buildings with recently remodeled interiors, including the ceremony venue from what he’d been told.

It had been a long time since Tao had seen his cousin. He hadn’t had much time for extended family since becoming CEO of his grandfather’s company. He had weekly dinners with his parents and grandparents but that was the extent of his family visits.

As the car pulled up to venue, Tao checked over his appearance one last time before the door opened and he casually got out.

He glanced around the area as he buttoned his suit jacket before thanking his driver and heading up the steps towards the doors. He was greeted by a man and woman he never met who smiled warmly at him. “Hello,” the woman said as the man, Tao assumed to be her also greeted him with a bow.

Tao bowed back, greeting them both.

“Are you in the groom’s family?” The man asked. Tao nodded in response. “I am. I’m his cousin,” he answered, pulling the invitation from the inside pocket of his jacket and handed it over. He waited patiently as the man looked over the invite before handing it back.

“We are the parents of the bride,” he introduced. “It’s nice to meet you,” he added with a bow. Tao returned the gesture, thanking him and his wife before heading into the venue. The main hallway was carpeted with a pair of large cedar doors that no doubt led into the grand ballroom where the ceremony was to be.

Stepping inside, Tao was surprised by the enormity of it all. It was a beautiful open room with high ceilings and large glass windows along one side letting in lots of natural lighting.

The bride’s parents had spared no expense, the decor made the interior look like a magical forest. A massive spread of garland hung from a structure a good eight feet above the floor. The greenery was littered with pastel flowers in various colors. Pinks, purples, blues, yellows scattered amongst the green looked like a cascade of flowers flowing from above.

Fairy lights adorned every stationary surface.

The backs of the chairs were draped in beautiful light pink gossamer tied into large, extravagant bows and the aisle had a similar light pink carpet rolled out leading up to the altar where a round archway stood, the same green garland with pastel flowers covered every inch of wire.

Tao was asked again by an usher which family he was here for and was shown to a seat in the fifth row on the groom’s side. He took his seat, unbuttoning his jacket as he got comfortable and glanced around as more people filed in and filled the seats little by little. He noticed a few familiar faces and greeted family as they came up to see him.

It didn’t take long for the seats to fill and soon the doors at the back were closed to prepare for the arrival of the wedding party. Soft music played from hidden speakers overhead and no doubt at the ends of the aisles in the large fake planters full of even more greenery.

The groom made his way down the aisle to wait at the altar for the bride and Tao could see just how pleased his cousin looked. He imagined anyone would be happy on a day like this.

The groomsmen hadn’t arrived yet and it left Tao wondering if they were going to walk the bridesmaids down the aisle. His assumption was wrong as the groomsmen came down the aisle not long after and took their places. There were three and based on the color of their ties, Tao assumed the one closest to Jun to be the best man.

The doors were shut again as the music continued to drift from overhead and the planters. Tao hated to seem impatient but he couldn’t help, checking his watch. It seemed things were right on schedule and he decided to open his program while he waited for the next part of the wedding party.

He was glossing over the names of the wedding party when one in particular caught his attention. ‘Y/F/N Y/L/N.’ His eyes widened as he read it. ‘Could it be?’ He wondered but ultimately decided it couldn’t be. And he had no way of confirming because he’d never learned your last name.

The doors opened and Tao looked over his shoulder as the ring bearer made his way down the aisle and stopped near the front to give the rings to the best man and then went to go sit with his parents as the two flower girls made their way down the aisle, leaving pastel flower petals in their wake.

Finally, the two girls were seated and the maid of honor headed down the aisle to take her spot, followed by the bridesmaids. The first was a very pretty blonde woman who happened to look very familiar but upon looking at the second bridesmaid, Tao was sure his heart stopped.

There you were.

You smiled as you gave Bai a thumbs up, one last wish of luck and encouragement before you stepped out onto the aisle and started down the walkway behind Gwen who was already halfway down the rows of seats.

You matched her pace, smiling as you caught the eyes of some of your friends in the crowd as you made your way to the front. Your walk only lasted a couple moments and soon you were standing before Gwen as the doors were shut to prepare for Bai’s grand entrance.

You glanced around the audience, eyes skimming over the faces of each guest as the music reached a crescendo and your eyes landed on a face you never thought you’d see again. Let alone staring back at you.

‘Tao?’

The last person Tao expected to see walking down the aisle at his cousin's wedding was the woman he met two years ago in Shanghai. The woman he spent most of the night talking to. The woman he brought back to his hotel and slept with. The woman who turned down his offer to stay with him in Shanghai.

Yet, there you were, looking just as radiant as the last time he'd seen you. Not much had changed. Your hair was a little different but other than that, you looked exactly like he remembered.

He watched as you walked down the aisle, beaming at your friends and mouthing hello to a few as you made your way to the front. When you finally reached the altar and took your place behind the maid of honor and in front of the blonde woman, you started to look around.

Tao felt his heart start to pound as your eyes scanned the crowd closest to him and just when he thought maybe you’d skipped over him, your eyes met his and he knew.

He knew you knew he was there. He knew you could see him.

It had been two years and time seemed to stand still the moment your eyes met his. His breath caught in his chest as the music around him reached a crescendo but he almost couldn’t hear it. Like it was distant. All he could focus on was your eyes and the way they bore into him. Into his very being, into his soul.

And as soon as the moment began, it ended, your eyes tearing away from his gaze as you turned to look at the back of the room. Tao snapped out of his trance as those around him started to stand up in preparation for the bride’s march.

He watched as Jun’s fiancee, no doubt one of the girls you’d been with in Shanghai, walked down the aisle. Tao could see just how much love she had for his cousin in her face and her eyes as her father walked her down the aisle.

As they passed the row Tao sat in, he chanced a glance at you and found you were already looking at him but once his gaze met yours, you were quick to look away and back at your friend as she reached the altar.

The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur for Tao and try as he might to focus on his cousin’s vows and the exchanging of the ring, all he seemed to be able to watch was you though you didn’t look his way for the rest of the ceremony.

Shock couldn’t describe how you felt seeing Tao again for the first time in two years. You had assumed you probably would have never seen him again. For the rest of the ceremony, you kept your eyes on the bride and groom but you could feel his eyes on you.

The vows and ring exchange passed in a blur but you were able to perform your duties just fine. Walking back down the aisle proved to be easy as well, keeping your eyes forward as you walked with Bai’s brother, Cheng, and out of the room to the hall where you were quickly ushered to a waiting limo.

You were glad to be shuttled off to the reception location first so you would have a chance to compose yourself. ‘Maybe he won’t even be at the reception.’

If only you were so lucky.

Once you arrived at the reception, it was a flurry of photographs and champagne before the guests arrived which didn’t take long. You were chatting with Gwen, sipping on your champagne when the first shuttle arrived with part of the reception guests.

Bai had promised that not all of the ceremony guests were attending the reception and she was right. About a third of the guests from the ceremony were not in attendance at the wedding reception but it was still not a small party by any means.

And of course, as the last of the guests boarded, you happened to catch a glance of Tao talking to Jun’s mother, her small hand resting on his forearm as he walked her into the main room.

You turned away to await the announcement of your best friend and her new husband but couldn’t help sneak a peek at Tao who was watching you with rapt attention. ‘Damn it. Why can’t he be a little less obvious?’

The MC picked up his mic and announced the couple of the hour.

Bai and Jun walked into the room, hand in hand as the crowd applauded. As soon as they were in the middle of the crowd, the first dance started and you watched adoringly as your best friend and her husband danced together on the floor for a couple minutes before other couples joined them.

Gwen asked if you wanted to dance but you shook your head, saying you needed to grab some food as you were starving. Gwen managed to snag one of the groomsmen and pull him onto the floor while you made your way over to the hors d’oeuvre table, picking up a small plate as you did.

Tao watched as you chatted with your blonde friend that he definitely recalled seeing in the club back in Shanghai. He watched as you shook your head and your friend walked off, grabbing one of Jun’s friends and pulling him onto the dance floor while you made your way around the crowd.

Tao excused himself to his aunt and made his way around the crowd, following your movements as you headed for the snack table. He should have known. That would be his move as well.

You were loading some snacks onto a small plate when he approached you. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, the song ended and with it the first dance to tumultuous applause. As the clapping died down, Tao tried again but was interrupted once more.

“There you are!” A voice said, causing both you and Tao to turn as Jun approached with his new wife in tow. Tao offered a friendly smile to his cousin. “It’s been a long time,” Jun said greeting Tao.

“You’ve been so busy lately,” Jun continued. Tao nodded in response. “It would seem you have been pretty busy lately too,” he joked nodding towards Jun’s bride. “Right,” Jun said quickly. “You haven’t had a chance to meet Bai yet,” he said, putting his hand on the small of the woman’s back.

“This is my g- well, it’s wife now,” he said. “Bai, this is my cousin, Tao.”

The noise that came from beside Tao as he was introduced to your friend caught not only his attention but that of the bride and groom. “Oh Y/N!” Bai said excitedly. “I wondered where you snuck off to.” You offered a sheepish smile, showing the plate you’d filled.

“Can’t drink all this champagne on an empty stomach,” you replied. Tao looked down, eyeing you up as this was the closest he’d been to you in two years. You looked incredible, the lilac dress Bai no doubt had taken great care in choosing, fit your body so well, showing off your figure as it hugged you.

“Sorry,” Bai said suddenly. “Where are my manners? Y/N,” she added. “This is Jun’s cousin Tao, though you must have overheard,” she said with a smile. You nodded. “Yeah,” you answered flatly.

You tore your gaze from Bai’s sincere smile to look at Tao who was giving you a half smirk and you were desperate to smack it off his face but you knew this was not the time nor place to hash things out with the man. Not at your best friend’s wedding.

“It’s nice to meet you, Y/N,” Tao said with feigned interest. You narrowed your eyes at him. “Likewise,” you said shortly before turning to Bai and Jun.

“Congratulations,” you said, giving them both very sincere smiles before excusing yourself to eat your snacks.

You had hardly gone a few paces before Tao caught up with you. “Look Y/N,” he said softly but you turned to face him angrily. “What the hell are you doing here?” You hissed at him, sounding every bit as pissed off as you looked.

“Jun is my cousin. We were like brothers growing up. I couldn’t miss his wedding,” he answered calmly. “And Bai is your best friend, so you had to be here too,” he added. “It’s not a big deal,” Tao said softly. “As far as anyone knows, we’re simply acquaintances now. No need to bring up the past if you don’t want to—”

“I don’t want to,” you retorted, hotly. Your answer was so quick and you could have sworn you saw a flash of pain across Tao’s face before it was gone before you could blink. “Fine,” he replied cooly before turning and walked away through the crowd.

You turned away and headed out of the room, uncertain if the heat you were feeling was from the crowded room or your anger.

You found a nice quiet space to eat your food and sip on your champagne where you wouldn’t be disturbed. The yacht had left harbor already and was cruising on the ocean, the [city] skyline a blur or bright lights and colors from this distance.

You let out a sigh as you took another sip of your champagne. A server walked by, offering to take your now empty plate and another glass of champagne. You thanked them and decline the alcohol knowing if you were going to get through this night unscathed, you needed to keep a clear head.

You were looking over the water when you felt arms circle your waist. “Why is my best friend sulking out here?” Bai asked softly and you turned to face her, giving her a smile. “Just needed some air,” you answered. “And space to eat my food.”

Bai looked around, checking over her shoulder before she spoke again. “I need to ask you something really important,” she said softly and you nodded, waiting for her to speak. “What do you think of Tao?”

You had been dreading this since you saw him at the ceremony and even more so when he walked onto the yacht. You hated lying to Bai but you couldn’t exactly tell her the truth. Not tonight anyway.

“He’s okay,” you answered softly. “I don’t really know him.”

Bai gave you a cheeky smile. “Do you want to?” You narrowed your eyes at her. “Why are you asking?”

Bai sighed before launching into an explanation of how Gwen has been eyeing Tao ever since she noticed him and how she, Bai, knows Gwen is too much of a partier and player and from what Jun has told her about his cousin, that’s not Tao at all.

“So I thought, maybe, I could link the two of you up and Gwen would move on,” Bai finished and you sighed. “I don’t know, Bai,” you answered. “I’m not really comfortable with him.” Bai sighed heavily. “Well, I told Jun I’d try and try I did,” she said sadly before perking back up.

“Now get back in there, I wanna dance with my best friends!”

You chuckled as Bai dragged you back into the reception, pulling you onto the floor where Gwen joined you and the three of you danced together.

Tao had just finished dancing with his aunt when he noticed Jun standing off to the side with his groomsmen and walked over, greeting Jun’s friends. It wasn’t long after that the others dispersed, no doubt on the prowl for girls to dance with. Tao waited before speaking his mind.

“How well do you know Bai’s friends?” He asked, drawing his cousin’s attention.

“Okay, I guess,” he answered. “I know enough,” he added with a laugh.

“What does that mean?” Tao asked innocently, thanking the server who brought him a glass of whiskey. “It means I know enough about them to give you a basic assessment,” Jun answered as he took another glass of champagne.

Tao took a sip of his drink and nodded. “Okay,” he said as the alcohol moved down his throat. “I’ll bite.”

Jun chuckled, turning to look at his wife and her three friends. “Julie is easy. She loves romance novels and movies. She’s very sensitive and cries when she gets drunk,” Jun said, leaning towards Tao, pointing to the maid of honor who wore a different color of dress than the other two.

“Okay,” Tao said with a nod. “Don’t go for her. She’s very sappy and not into one night stands,” Jun added. Tao laughed with a nod.

"Noted."

“Gwen, the blonde, is your typical party girl. Loves to drink, loves to party, always has a raging hangover the next morning. I bet tomorrow she’ll be wearing sunglasses to breakfast,” Jun explained as Tao watched your pretty blonde friend take your hand and twirl you around.

“What about Y/N?” Tao asked, attempting to sound nonchalant. Jun turned to his cousin, eyeing his expression. “Don’t even think about it,” Jun said with a laugh. Tao turned to look at him. “What?” He asked.

Jun shook his head again. “She had this one night stand in Shanghai like two years ago,” he started to explain, Tao’s breath catching in his throat as he listened. “Really fucked her up from what Bai said. She fell into a depression when they came home. Bai said she’s never seen Y/N like that before. It only seems like she’s just gotten over it.”

Tao tuned out the rest of Jun’s words, keeping his eyes trained on you. The way you danced so carefree with your friends, laughing, and twirling in their company. He’d only ever seen you that happy at the club before he approached you.

Had you really been that torn up after rejecting him? Tao had half a mind to walk over and apologize, ask to talk to you in private but what he saw next made his blood boil. Two of Jun’s groomsmen, Cheng and Ming, had approached you and Gwen while Julie and Bai danced together.

Cheng asked Gwen to dance which she accepted. Ming however asked you to dance and it took every ounce of self control Tao had in his body to keep from launching across the room and snatching your hand from Ming’s as you accepted his invitation. He’d never experienced such strong jealousy before that moment.

He watched as you started to dance with Ming and Jun’s voice came into focus again, almost as if Tao went temporarily deaf and his hearing was coming back.

“Ah now that’s a good match. Ming is a great guy. Y/N needs something like that after what happened. Someone to keep her grounded,” Jun said with a smile. Tao tried not to roll his eyes. He excused himself to get another drink and turned away from the scene before him.

He hated seeing you in the arms of another man though he knew he had no right to be. It just sucked, the whole situation sucked. He ordered another drink from the bar and thanked the bartender when he poured him a double whiskey, neat.

Tao slammed the alcohol down and tipped the bartender before turning away and noticing that a new song was playing and you were still dancing with that guy. Tao hovered at the bar, watching you as a second dance turned into a third and then into a fourth before you excused yourself.

He watched as you exited the room once more and gave it a couple moments before following casually.

Outside, the air was much cooler and the salty breeze offered a nice reprieve from the hot oven like situation in the ballroom. So many people gathered into one spot and then add alcohol into the mix was a recipe for an extremely hot crowded room.

You leaned against the railing at the stern, looking over the edge at the water below as the yacht trudged on. You inhaled deeply and sighed. Maybe you should call it a night and go lie down in the bridal party suite. It was a room you were to be sharing with Gwen and Julie while Bai and Jun spent the night in their suite.

You heard footsteps approaching from behind and let out a chuckle. “If you’re coming to drag me back to the party, think again,” you called out as the person you assumed to be Bai or Gwen behind you stopped.

“That’s not what I had planned,” a familiar voice said. You turned to see Tao standing behind you, hands tucked in his pockets. Neither one of you said anything for a moment before he nodded to the space beside you.

“May I?” He asked. You shrugged your shoulders and turned to look back over the black water with the elongated reflection of the moon dancing in the waves. Tao squeezed himself into the space next to you, scanning the ocean before you.

“It’s so peaceful out here,” he noted softly. You nodded without a word, taking in the scenery. “Why are you out here alone?” Tao asked suddenly. You shrugged again. “Just needed some fresh air,” you replied.

“But why alone?”

You looked at him, your brow furrowed. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I just needed to clear my head without anyone pestering me,” you snapped before looking away. Tao waited as you sighed and glanced at him.

“I’m sorry,” you said softly. “I have no right to go off on you like that,” you continued. “You were just asking me a question.”

Tao nodded silently. “And I’m sorry about snapping at you earlier. I was just…” you trailed off as you stared out into the endless sea. “You ever feel like sometimes you’re back into a corner and you have two options?” You asked, looking up at him as he looked back at you, studying your face.

“You can either accept your fate or lash out? Like a wild animal?”

Tao nodded, still watching you as you spoke. “That’s how I felt earlier. Being forced into this corner and having no way of escaping you, so I lashed out,” you explained. “For that I’m sorry. I’m sure this is just as weird for you as it is for me.”

Before Tao could stop himself, he blurted out the question that had been weighing on his mind for part of the night. “Did you never tell your friends about me?”

His question seemed to take you by surprise because it took a couple moments before you could answer. “Obviously they know about the one night stand and your offer for me to stay with you in Shanghai,” you finally answered.

“But as to who you were? No,” you answered. “I never told them.”

Tao tilted his head like a curious animal. “Why?” He asked simply. You shrugged your shoulders again. “I didn’t think I would ever see you again,” you replied. “This was the last place I expected to run into you.”

Tao nodded with a chuckle. “Yeah, me neither,” he answered. “Seeing you during the ceremony was unreal.” You glanced up to find him already looking down at you. “I thought I was imagining things when I saw your name in the program. Of course, it could have been a different Y/N. I didn’t know your family name until today.”

You said nothing, merely listening to him talk. “At first, I thought I’d been given a second chance,” he said with a smile before it dropped. “But then I thought that you wanted nothing to do with me. I thought the universe was just testing me.”

Your heart sunk at his tone. He sounded so… heartbroken.

Had he really wanted to see you so badly? Did he know what you went through after you left Shanghai two years ago?

“But then I spoke to my cousin,” Tao continued. “And he told me what you went through when you went home after Shanghai,” he added, turning to look at you.

Your stomach twisted into knots. Jun told Tao about your depressive episode? Why would he do that?

“And it got me wondering. Maybe I wasn’t the only one suffering,” he continued, turning and taking a step closer. “Maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t alone—”

A voice interrupted the two of you.

“Y/N?”

You both turned to find Ming walking over. “Bai asked me to come check on you and see if you were alright,” he said, eyeing Tao who simply gave Ming a cold stare. “You alright?” Ming asked. You nodded, giving him a small smile. “I’m okay,” you replied. “This is Jun’s cousin Tao. We’re just talking.”

Ming glared at Tao and moved forward to hold out his hand. “Let’s go back inside,” he said, not taking his eyes off Tao who glared back. You gently pushed Ming’s hand away. “I’m okay, really,” you said with a smile.

“Tell Bai I’m just fine out here and I’m with Tao,” you added.

Ming looked as shocked as Tao felt but hesitantly accepted your decision and turned around, heading back towards the bow of the yacht.

You turned back to Tao, the same kind smile on your face. “What were you saying?” You asked softly. Tao froze. What had he been saying?

“You said something about maybe you weren’t alone?”

Tao nodded, seemingly remembering what he was going to say.

“I thought that maybe I wasn’t alone in missing you, missing what we had back then.” You nodded. “You have no idea how much I regretted turning your offer down,” you replied, much to Tao’s shock.

“Then why did you?” He asked. You shook your head. “Does it matter now?” You asked. Tao nodded. “It matters to me,” he answered, closing the distance between you. “Why?” You asked softly.

“Why would it when we both know how this ends,” you murmured, turning away from Tao to look over the railing at the water below. “It doesn't have to end like that,” he responded softly, only looking up to meet your gaze once you turned your head to look at him.

The dark look in his eyes sent chills down your spine. It was similar to the look he'd given you in the club two years ago. He slowly closed the distance, his body pressing against yours. Your eyes shut involuntarily as you relished the warmth coming from his body.

“Tao,” you warned, forcing your eyes open and reminding yourself where you were. "We can’t." You let out a sigh as one of his hands moved up, taking your chin in his hands and tilting your head back, thumb moving to brush over your bottom lip. “And why is that, baby?” he murmured, ducking his head to press slow, deliberate kisses against your cheek and down to your jawline.

“We’re in public,” you reminded him as his lips moved further still, kissing down the side of your neck. “That can be changed easily,” he answered, his other hand moved to your back, pulling you against him as he pinned you against the railing. “Tao,” you whined, your own hands resting against his chest.

“Fuck, say my name again,” he whispered against your skin. You tried to push him back and create space between you but Tao growled, the hand on your back moving down to grab your ass as he pressed himself further against you.

“Push me away again and I’ll take you right against this railing for anyone to stumble on,” he warned.

Your thighs clenched together under your dress as you felt his hardening cock grind against your thigh. You let out a weak moan as his hand found its way to your neck, fingers gripping tightly.

“Tell me to stop and I will,” he said, eyes meeting yours in a heated gaze. “Tell me to leave you alone now and I will. When the boat docks, I will step off onto the dock and you'll never see or hear from me again.”

Your stomach dropped, the idea of never seeing Tao again too much to bear. “N-no!” you half shouted. “Don’t go.”

Tao’s grip on your neck loosened. He studied your face, eyes looking into yours and then dipping down to look at your lips and then back up. You weren’t sure who moved first but the next moment, your fingers were fumbling with his jacket as he pulled you away from the railing and towards an unlocked door.

You moaned into his kiss as he guided you through the door, kicking the door shut and locking the door. You made quick work of his suit jacket and were undoing the bow tie he'd probably spent a good amount of time to look neat and presentable.

Once the tie was gone, you started to unbutton his shirt, moaning as his teeth sank into your shoulder while his fingers fumbled with the zipper and straps of your dress. “I need this to come off,” he growled impatiently as he managed to get it unzipped and started to push off you, letting the dress fall to the floor, pooling at your feet.

Your cheeks burned as Tao took in the sight of you before him. The hot pink lace adorning your skin was enough to drive any man wild. His fingertips skimmed over the lace and your skin, bumps erupting under his touch before he grabbed you by the neck roughly.

“Did you wear this for someone specific, baby?” he asked. You shook your head. “I just love the color and the lace,” you admitted, running your fingers over the edge of the lace of your bra cup. Tao’s hands replaced yours before running down to grab your waist and pull you closer. “So you weren’t expecting to get laid tonight?”

You shook your head again.

Tao tilted his head, fixing you with an intense stare.

“Not even by that guy you danced with, right in front of me?” You opened your mouth to respond but Tao stopped you, taking your chin in his hand. “You have any idea how pissed I was, baby?” he growled deeply. “Seeing another man putting his hands on you?”

You tried to answer him but he gently shook your head. “Uh-uh, baby. You speak when I say you can,” he snapped with a stern expression and narrowed eyed.

“You’re already in big trouble.”

His hand moved back to your throat and guided you away from the wall and towards the bed. “On the bed,” he said, letting go of your neck and moving to lock the door. When he turned back and saw you still standing by the bed, Tao let out an exasperated sigh.

“Are you going to make me force you onto the bed, kitten?”

You stared at him as he walked towards you slowly. “Did you hear me?”

You nodded, glancing from him to the bed and back, making a show of it.

Tao stopped just a couple feet from you. “I gave you an order, kitten,” he said, his voice dangerously low.

“On the bed. Now.”

The tone of his voice shifted and you were quick to obey, climbing onto the bed. You realized your heels were still on but as you moved to take them off, Tao’s fingers closed around your ankle. “Keep them on,” he whispered. You withdrew your hands and waited for further instruction.

“Oh you look so pretty like this,” he murmured, taking your chin gently in his hand and tilting your head back to look up at him.

“Are you going to be a good girl and listen?” he asked, his voice sweet and soft. You looked up at him through your lashes and nodded slowly. Your lips parted as his thumb brushed over the plush of your bottom one. “Look at you,” he said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“Doing what I want without being asked.” He clicked his tongue in approval.

“Such a good, obedient slut.”

A soft gasp escaped your lips as the word left his mouth. Tao raised a brow, looking down at you. “Too much, baby?” he asked. You shook your head, arousal pooling in your panties. You liked it much more than you’d like to admit.

“Good,” Tao answered, standing over you with his hands tucked in his pockets.

“You were a bit bad earlier,” he continued. “Dancing with that guy, knowing I was watching. That really made me mad, baby girl.” Your walls clenched around nothing as he spoke, feeding into what he knew you liked from last time.

“You know what happens when you make me mad?”

You shook your head silently, keeping your eyes fixed on Tao. His face broke into a gentle smile. “You get punished.”

Your breath caught in your throat as your heart pounded in your chest, blood rushing to your core and your face at the same time. ‘Punished?’

You said nothing, waiting for Tao to give you permission to speak. “I assume you have no questions then, kitten?” he asked, the amused tone back in his voice. You shook your head. “Perfect,” he replied, pulling his hands from his pockets and moving to undo his belt. “On your hands and knees, baby,” he said as he unbuckled his belt and started to remove it.

You were hesitant, eyeing the belt in his hands before moving into position. The idea of him using the belt to punish you was better than you could have imagined and made your arousal grow, starting to spread and soak your panties.

“Ass to me, kitten,” Tao said softly. You shifted, making sure your ass was right in front of him. You felt his hand run carefully over your back end, smoothing over the lace and your skin gently. “Such a pretty ass you have,” he murmured.

“It’s a shame I have to mark it up.”

You barely had time to look behind you before a sharp stinging hit your ass and you cried out. Tao grabbed your panties and pulled you back. “Keep quiet,” he growled. “Unless you want everyone to know what a slut you are, getting punished on a yacht during your friend’s wedding reception.”

You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth. “I’ll make this quick,” Tao said, smoothing his hand over the sore spot. “I won’t draw it out,” he added.

“Count them for me, sweetheart.”

And you did. After each swat from his belt, you counted.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

The number of minutes you danced with Ming.

When he was done, your ass was red, sore, and covered in lines that were starting to welt slightly. “Talk to me, Y/N,” Tao said softly. “Green, yellow, or red?”

Your arms shook, as did your thighs, your head ducked as you held off tears. “Gr-green,” you stammered. You heard Tao move around behind you, his footsteps leading away before returning. “I’m gonna remove these now,” he said, giving your panties a slight tug.

You winced as the lace scratched your sore skin. “Sorry,” Tao whispered as he pulled your soiled panties down. Once removed, Tao pocketed them and picked up a small bottle of cooling gel. “This might burn a little but I promise it’ll help,” he added as he squeezed a good amount of gel onto his fingers and started to carefully rub it into your reddened skin.

You whimpered, body trembling as he made sure to cover all the marks.

“I think I went too hard,” he muttered but you shook your head. “No,” you gasped. “It was perfect, daddy.” You turned your head to look back at him. “Like you said,” you continued, meeting his gaze. “I was a bad girl and needed to be punished.”

Tao clicked his tongue, fighting the urge to smile as he closed the cap on the tube and tossed it into the bag he retrieved it from. “Whose room is this?” you asked suddenly as he wiped his hands clean.

“Mine,” he answered. He must have noticed your surprised expression because he laughed. “You really thought I’d bring you into some stranger’s room?”

You chuckled lightly, the stinging and burning sensation dissipating as whatever gel he used soaked into your skin.

“That gel is amazing,” you noted as Tao moved behind you again. “I use it when I’m sore after a workout,” he replied as he started to undo the top couple buttons of his shirt. “Can you move?” he asked. You carefully sat back, feeling no pain or burning. “Good,” he answered.

“On your feet baby.”

You climbed backwards off the bed and stood carefully. “Come here,” you heard Tao said softly, one of his hands gently taking you by the elbow and turning you to face him, his other hand coming up to cup your cheek as his lips met yours with a groan.

“I still don’t think you’ve been punished enough,” Tao murmured, the hand on your arm moving around your back, pushing you against him. “You don’t?” You gasped, heart pounding when he shook his head.

“No. In fact,” he said pulling back to look over your face, thumb gently pulling down on your bottom lip. “I’d like to put this pretty mouth to use.”

You waited for his instruction and when he placed his hand on your shoulder and firmly pushed down, you followed, allowing him to guide you to your knees.

“Get to work,” he said, nodding down at his zipper.

You slowly reached up, tearing your eyes from his gaze as you unbuttoned his pants and started to pull the zipper down. You glanced up to find him watching you carefully. “Keep going,” he encouraged.

You made a show of tugging his pants down, stopping halfway down his thighs and leaving only his dark blue boxer briefs between you and his hard cock.

Your hands slid up his thighs, moving to take hold of his hips as you looked up to meet his gaze once more. You wordlessly moved one of your hands over his erection, pressing your palm over it and starting to slowly circle, massaging as you maintained eye contact.

Tao kept his composure, watching and waiting for you to continue.

Slipping your fingers under the waistband of his underwear, you slowly pulled them down until his cock sprang free, just as big as you remembered, the tip red and already leaking precum.

Pulling his underwear down to meet his pants, you grabbed his length in one hand, fingers wrapping around the shaft and carefully stroking him. You used your thumb to spread the bead of precum at the tip and watched as his eyelids fluttered, lips parting. You were enjoying watching him react until one of his hands grabbed your wrist tightly.

“Don’t tease me, baby girl,” he growled. “Or I’ll make your punishment even worse.” You obeyed with a nod and as innocent a look as you could muster.

“Open your mouth, princess,” Tao ordered. You opened your mouth for him, even sticking out your tongue without him asking. He seemed to like that.

“Good girl,” he cooed, moving his hand over yours on his cock. “Keep that mouth opened wide for me.”

You did as he said as he guided the head of his cock past your lips, the weight heavy on your tongue. You tried not to moan as his cock glided against your tongue.

The last time you were together, you hadn’t gotten the chance to go down on him so this was new territory. You were sure your wetness had seeped out and that you were dripping onto the carpet as the head of Tao’s cock reached the back of your mouth.

You felt his fingers tangle in your hair. “Start moving, sweetheart.”

You did just that, Tao’s hand there to guide your head how he liked. He was gentle with you, considering the size of his cock and this being your first time going down on him.

Keeping your tongue flat, you started to take control, moving your head of your own accord, at your own rhythm while Tao kept a tight hold on your hair. “Oh fuck,” he groaned, looking down to watch his cock, coated in your spit, disappear in your mouth. “I regret not having you do this before.”

You placed both hands on his thighs, bobbing your head and filling the room with lewd, wet sounds. You could feel him meeting your movements with tiny thrusts, grunting with the effort of trying to hold back.

You pulled off him, taking his cock in your hand and stroking him quickly. “Don’t hold back,” you murmured, looking up at him. He looked down to meet your gaze. “Don’t hold back?” He asked, slightly perplexed. You nodded.

“Fuck my face if you need to. Use me to get yourself off, daddy.”

Tao let out a groan as you took his cock back into your mouth, your own spit starting to dribble past your lips and down your chin. The grip on your hair tightened as Tao held your head still.

“Tap my thigh three times if it’s too much, okay?” You nodded best you could, humming in response. Your hands on his thighs as you braced yourself, Tao gave you a measured and tentative thrust.

When you didn’t react, he thrusted a little harder, the head of his cock hitting the back of your throat. You gagged but motioned for him to continue.

“Shit,” he groaned, guiding your head as he thrust into your mouth.

“I had no idea you were such a dirty little slut.”

You moaned around his dick, walls clenching around nothing as you no doubt spilled onto the carpet beneath you.

Your knees were starting to burn from the cheap, low-pile of the carpet but you ignored it. You didn’t want to interrupt Tao and have to receive more punishment.

His thrusts grew, each time the tip of his dick hitting the back of your throat with a wet gagging sound as your throat tried to accommodate his size.

“Fuck,” Tao cursed. “You really are gonna let me use you, huh?”

You moaned again, the vibrations making Tao buck his hips.

“God look at you,” he said with a chuckle. “You look like a wreck.”

You glanced up at him as he continued to fuck your mouth. “Your makeup is completely ruined,” he noted. He forced your head further down, holding you in place as you gagged around his cock not once or twice, but three times. He pulled your head back, your saliva spilling from your mouth and down your chin, falling onto your chest.

“Such a messy fucking slut,” he growled. “I’m gonna enjoy ruining this hot mouth.”

He guided your head back to take his cock again and repeated the same thing, guiding your mouth along his cock, thrusting into your mouth and holding you in place as you gagged, tears rolling down your cheeks and no doubt ruining your expert applied makeup.

“Come on, baby,” he growled. “I know you can take more.”

Your body jerked, gagging as he pushed your head further, forcing more of his cock into your mouth and pushing past and into your throat. You gagged again, vision blurring as tears spilled from your eyes.

After what felt like minutes but was more likely only a few moments, Tao pulled your head back, the sting on your scalp making you moan loudly.

“If I waited any longer,” Tao panted, looking down at your tear and spit stained face. “I was gonna cum.”

You whined, wanting him to cum in your mouth but Tao lightly slapped your cheek. “Get up,” he ordered. You took his hand, allowing him to pull you shakily to your feet. Tao’s hand disappeared between your thighs, deft fingers finding your slit, dripping with your juices.

“God, you’re so fucking wet, baby,” he groaned, fingers moving along your slit. “On the bed now,” he instructed, pulling his hand back.

You sat back, only wincing slightly as he unbuttoned and removed his shirt, his pants and underwear following quickly.

“Lie back,” he ordered, dropping to his knees at the edge of the bed as your back hit the sheets. Using his hands, he spread your thighs, eyeing your glistening core with a look of hunger and desire.

Spreading your folds, he leaned in and gave a light lick, groaning at the taste of your cunt. “God, I missed this,” he muttered, giving you another slow lick, making sure to tease your clit.

“Tao,” you whined, back arching off the bed.

“That’s not my name, you know,” he muttered, chuckling against your skin as he littered kisses and bites along the inside of your thighs. “D-daddy,” you whimpered as the tip of his tongue toyed with the sensitive bundle of nerves.

“That’s better, baby.”

With each lick, suck, and kiss, he had your thighs twitching, threatening to close around his head but of course, he’d never let that happen with his strong grip on your thighs.

It was easy for him to draw moan after moan from you with just his mouth, licking, sucking, and groaning into your pussy. You propped yourself up on your elbows to glance down between your thighs at him, finding his eyes closed as he lost himself completely in your taste.

Your head fell back against the mattress with a mewl as your toes curled, your orgasm hovering just over your head. “D-daddy please,” you whimpered, one of your hands moving to comb through his locks. He grunted against your cunt, still lapping at your juices as he teased you closer and closer to your high.

“You wanna cum, pretty girl?” He asked softly, voice deeper and huskier than it had been before. “You wanna cum on my tongue?” You nodded frantically.

“Yes daddy, please!” Tao chuckled, pulling back from your soaked center and wiped his lps on the back of his hand before crawling over you, kissing his way up your stomach and stopping to pull down the cups of your bra, taking one of your pert nipples in his mouth as his tongue brushed over it, suckling softly.

His other hand kneaded your free breast, groping and gently pinching your nipple between his thumb and forefinger, rolling it lightly. Your back arched into his face, thighs tightening around his waist as you rolled your hips, seeking friction.

Tao pulled back, teeth lightly grazing your nipple before he peppered kisses along your collar, up the side of your neck and to your lips, taking you in a searing and passionate kiss. Your hips continued to look for friction, finding it in his cock gliding between your pussy lips and rutting against your clit.

“You want this?” He asked softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “You want daddy’s cock?”

You nodded, hot tears of frustration threatening to spill from your eyes as you begged him. “Please, please, please,” you chanted, your soaked and aching hole chasing his cock. Tao let out a dark chuckle before reaching between you to position his cock at your entrance.

“So eager,” he murmured as he barely pushing into you, sinking the head of his cock past your wet folds. “So needy,” he continued, pushing a little further, his girth stretching you out so deliciously.

You let out an unrestrained, wanton moan as he continued to slide further and further into you, unrestricted, your velvety walls hugging every ridge and vein of his length, sucking him in.

“Fuck, I forgot how good you feel,” he groaned, resting his forehead against your chest as he bottomed out.

“So tight and warm.”

You moaned loudly again, trying to pull his hand away when he covered your mouth. “You’re so loud,” he grunted as he gave you a measured thrust,” chuckling as the tears in your eyes started to spill, rolling down your temples and disappearing into the sheets.

“Oh look at you,” he murmured, amused. “Crying for me? Miss me that much?”

You whimpered as his thrusts picked up, his skin hitting yours and filling the room with the sound of wet slapping as his cock pounded your tight heat. “Gonna fuck you so good. Fuck you so hard you can’t walk,” he groaned in your chest.

He raised his head, littering kisses along your neck. “‘M gonna fuck you so good you only want this dick from now on.”

Your legs tightened around his waist, locking him in place as he continued to ram into you, each drag of his raw cock against your walls sending you to a higher plane of existence, an intense heat spreading from your stomach to your fingertips and toes.

You weren’t going to last long and Tao knew it. He could hear it in the increased pitch of your moans. He could feel it in the heat radiating from your skin. He could see it in your eyes as they rolled back.

“That’s it,” he murmured, watching your face as your orgasm approached.

“Be a good girl and come on this cock,” he groaned, your fluttering walls hugging him so nice and warm as your climax neared.

Your fingers tightened in his hair, nails scraping his scalp as you scratched down his back with the other hand, your hips trying to meet his with each erratic thrust as he helped you ride out your high by chasing his own.

CUT

You toppled over the edge, coming with a string of curses and his name. “Oh fuck, daddy, I’m coming,” you mewled, stars swarming your vision and your head going fuzzy. A warmth gushed out of your abused hole as Tao continued to pound you into the mattress.

“Fuck, fuck, shit,” he hissed as his hips stuttered only for a moment, before he slammed into you one final time, coming with a moan of your name before he realsed his thick hot load into your cunt, filling it almost to the brim as his hips finally stilled.

You both laid there, panting heavily as you tried to catch your breaths, Tao’s cock still buried deep in your pussy. You could feel his release start to spill out of your hole, wincing with a whine as he pulled out of you and collapsed onto his back beside you, staring up at the dark ceiling.

“How is it possible for it to be even better the second time around?” He huffed, shaking his head as he brought a hand up to wipe his forehead. You giggled, turning your head to look at him.

“That good, huh?” You croaked, your voice hoarse from moaning and calling his name. He turned to meet your stare, a cheeky smile crossing his features. “I’ve been blown away both times,” he answered. “It’s like you have an iron vice down there,” he joked, making you whine and roll into him to hide your face.

Tao laughed, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you into him. “You know,” he said as his laughter subsided. “I’ll bet everyone is wondering where you went,” Tao murmured, pressing kisses to your jaw and cheek.

“They’re probably wondering the same thing about you,” you replied, giggling as his kisses turned tickling, pulling you against his sweaty body.

“Ugh, you’re so sweaty,” you whined as he cupped your cheek, pulling your lips to meet his in a surprisingly tender kiss. “They can wonder for all I care,” Tao whispered when he finally broke the kiss.

The silence that fell over the both of you was much more comfortable than it had been before and you watched as Tao played with your fingers, lacing his own with yours while holding you close to him, your cheek resting against his chest.

“You know,” he said softly, breaking the silence and making you look up at him.

“My offer still stands.”

Your brow furrowed. “What offer?”

Tao looked down to meet your gaze. “My offer to spend time with me in Shanghai,” he answered. Your cheeks burned as you felt your stomach churn. This hadn’t ended well the last time and you hated when history repeated itself.

The longer you stared at him and he at you, the more you realized that his offer would always be open ended. It was clear there was an attraction between you but there was something else in his eyes. Something more than hope.

You couldn’t put your finger on it but you knew what it was.

I guess since I turned you down last time,” you started, looking at your intertwined hands.

“I could give it a chance,” you finished, watching as he pulled your hand closer and gave the back a kiss. “Are you going to tell your friends?” He whispered, hoping you would say yes. When you nodded, he felt relieved.

“Not until tomorrow though,” you answered. “Let Bai and Jun enjoy their night before we bring our drama into their lives. Tao snorted but said nothing to argue against your point.

“Fine,” he answered, thumb stroking the side of your hand tenderly.

“But tomorrow,” he added.

“For tonight, just focus on me.”

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yuzurujenn · 14 days ago

Text

[2024.11.01] AERA x Yuzuru Hanyu Photobook "Shin" - Interview

— In the sports world, people often say that "heart, technique, and body" (Shin-Gi-Tai) are very important. Among these, I’d like to hear your thoughts on something related to "heart."

YH: Of course! Thank you for your support!

— First, I want to ask, in the Q&A of this photo book, you said, "If the feedback is not good, I only think that 'my effort is not enough.'" This statement left a deep impression on me. Some performers believe that if their work does not receive good evaluations, it is due to a lack of understanding on the part of others. They think the problem lies with those who do not understand. Your perspective of thinking "it's just that I haven't tried hard enough" feels like pointing the blade at yourself rather than others.

YH: I actually don't know how to think "Why don't people understand me?"

— So, you mean this is a matter for the performers, and it’s their responsibility?

YH: From the perspective of a performer, if we delve into what we want to express, I think it stems from having something we want to convey and hoping others can understand it in some way. We aim to communicate these ideas. If they are not conveyed, I only see it as a shortcoming in my method. People are different, and everyone has various interpretations of what is "impressive." So, I know it’s impossible to communicate with everyone. However, I still hope to reach as many people as possible, and I want anyone who sees it to think, "Ah, this is what it is." That’s what keeps me motivated.

— Some people might think, “Even if I can’t make everyone understand, as long as one person gets it, that’s enough.” Your thoughts seem to completely contradict this idea.

YH: Of course, I have thought, "As long as I can convey this feeling to one person who is moved by it, that’s enough." However, if that "one person" could become everyone, then I would indeed be very happy. For example, if 70% of the audience understands, but 30% feel left out and bored, then I would think, "My performance didn't cater to that 30%." Therefore, I believe that while I strive to enhance the purity of my emotions, I must also develop expressive techniques that resonate with that emotional purity. Take, for instance, a manga artist who has created a popular series spanning 20 volumes. If they start a new series that fails to gain popularity and gets cancelled, such a situation is quite likely, isn’t it? Because the voices of readers will not lie. The same goes for us—if no one is watching, we can't continue. I think that’s the structure of society. Even if you work hard to present what you believe is the best, if society doesn’t recognise it, you might feel, “I’ve worked so hard, yet I haven’t conveyed anything. That is too unreasonable!” The world is full of such experiences. However, I think this unreasonableness ultimately comes down to my own efforts not being thorough enough, or not mastering the correct techniques for communication, which leads to the message not getting through.

— You hold such thoughts and feelings, and to convey them, you also need to improve your skills. As a performer, your strict attitude is evident. When did you start to have this mindset?

YH: It might be due to my personality, or perhaps it has always been this way. For example, if you fail a jump in a competition, do you blame others? No, right? Similarly, for me, if the ideas I want to convey are not expressed, it equals failure. This failure is not anyone else's fault; it’s my fault. I'll think "maybe my timing was wrong" or "maybe I was too forceful in my performance." I see it as my own responsibility.

[It is because of the pain that it feels real]

— Taking the example of the comic you just mentioned. If the message isn’t conveyed, attributing it to the reader's lack of understanding shifts the responsibility onto others. I think, in a sense, this is just finding an escape for oneself. If you believe it’s due to insufficient personal effort, then it leads to personal suffering, doesn’t it?

YH: Yes, it does. But it is precisely this pain that gives a sense of reality. If you immerse yourself in a lukewarm hot spring, you won't really feel like you're in a hot spring, right? Of course, I believe there should be an appropriate temperature, but only when it reaches a certain heat can you truly feel that you’re soaking in a hot spring, warming up and feeling happy. Similarly, in daily life, if you stay in warm water too long, you’ll just end up feeling more and more swollen, and ultimately, there’s no sense of feeling alive or the reality of effort. I think it can become that way. It’s precisely because there are times that are very cold and times that are very hot that I become aware of moments like “I’m experiencing a hot moment” or “I’m currently in cold water.” This awareness allows me to truly feel the reality of my efforts.

— I can sense your desire to convey something to many people and your pursuit of expressing your ideals. You’ve mentioned that this ideal is constantly advancing, and I think this progression is closely related to your capacity to receive various stimuli. From what sources do you gain this stimulation?

YH: For example, from ballet and dance-related content, and more broadly speaking, from novels, the feelings conveyed by photographers, movies, anime, and so on—everything can stimulate me. In a sense, I think news is also a form of expression. For instance, when a major disaster occurs, the way the message is conveyed and received can vary greatly based on the content and the method of delivery. Even if the facts remain unchanged, the understanding can differ entirely depending on how it’s conveyed, right? I believe this applies to skating as well. Suppose I’m performing a sad program; if a smile appears on my face, how would that be understood? Some might think, “That’s inappropriate for the performance.” But if that smile comes after transcending sadness, it might be interpreted differently. If I can reach that point, I think both my technique and mind would have improved further, allowing me to convey it.

— In other words, everything can serve as stimulation for your performance and ideals.

YH: That’s true. It's the same with the trivial things in daily life. If I consider everything that enters my eyes and ears as part of my expression, I can repeatedly recognise my shortcomings and constantly discover areas where I haven’t done enough. I live in this awareness every day.

— While receiving such stimulation, your ideals are continuously developing. At the same time, I feel that your ideals should be things you envision for yourself or are based on yourself. However, when your ice performances achieve such great success, external expectations like “I want to see something even more amazing” can also increase. Does this create pressure and inner conflict for you?

YH: The pressure is immense… Every single time, I try my best to show something that "there is no better than this", so if someone asks me if I can show something that surpasses that in the next moment, I can only say that it is not so easy to do. For example, in "RE_PRAY," if I deliver a perfect performance on Friday, can I surpass that by Sunday? It’s impossible to surpass it just one day later. I put in over a month of effort for that Friday performance to finally exceed my previous performance, yet I’m expected to outdo myself within a day or two. This terrifies me. I become so nervous that I can’t eat and my body trembles. This happens often. But I just realised that when I think about my ideals, the standards are indeed based on myself, but I believe that is “the version of myself that everyone expects.” The evaluations are not my own but are based on how others see me, which becomes my standard. Regarding what you mentioned about using others as punching bag when what you want to convey is not understood, attributing the failure to communicate to the audience's shortsightedness, I believe that everyone’s evaluation is my evaluation. It’s wrong for me to assess myself independently. I think only when I achieve results and receive good evaluations can I tell myself, “You’ve worked hard.” Without these, I think I could never truly feel that I’ve put in enough effort in my life.

[Every day feels like a last-minute effort.]

— You place great importance on communication and understanding. If you fail to convey something well, you see it as your responsibility.

YH: While preparing for performances, even if I work hard, if I don’t receive good feedback in the end, I’ll feel like "I thought I was trying hard." I’ll think that my efforts were meaningless. With all sorts of information coming in, I continue to grow, and my ideals evolve too. I believe that the point where my personal ideals intersect with everyone else's ideals of Yuzuru Hanyu is my target. My self-assessment and my current position are shaped by others' evaluations. I’ve been striving to exceed both my own ideals and everyone’s ideal.

— These two ideals continuously intersect, and striving to position them at a higher point and surpass that must be incredibly challenging... especially when you bear all the responsibility.

YH: Perhaps it’s just in my nature, so I don’t find it strange. In fact, pushing responsibility onto others would cause me more pain. Blaming others or attributing my incompetence to them in an attempt to escape makes me feel even more pathetic. I don’t want to feel guilty, and maybe that’s why I keep working hard. When I fail to meet others' expectations, I feel extreme disappointment in myself, and I work hard to avoid that feeling.

— In a sense, do you feel like you’re constantly being pursued?

YH: That’s why I’m scared. I think humans are like this. For example, during hunting, if you’re not in a state of fear or pushed to your limits, adrenaline cannot be released at 100%. In other words, it’s this constant sense of fear that keeps me driven and striving. This has probably become part of my personality. Some people have experienced this, others may not. It’s like when you’re in school and have a test coming up, only to find out the night before what’s on the exam, then frantically studying last-minute... that’s how I approach skating and training every day.

— Lastly, I want to ask you, on December 7th, you will be turning 30. How do you feel about transitioning from your 20s to your 30s?

YH: I’m gradually understanding what kind of person I am, realising the strength of my will and the things I want to do. My core is becoming clearer. The things I can do are also increasing, and I feel like I’m gradually climbing the ladder of adulthood in my own way. However, as a performer and skater, there is also a part of me that is free-spirited like a child, which is very important. As I approach my 30s, I want to learn how to switch between being an adult and a child. It is important to have both sides. As an adult, I want to stand firm and strong. But I don’t think I can skate on my own. It’s truly because of the support of many people that Yuzuru Hanyu exists. So, I absolutely don’t want to become complacent. In this sense, I want to be an adult while continuing to embrace my inner child.

Source: https://weibo.com/6473801248/OEgQd1Vjm https://weibo.com/6473801248/OEhf1dYW6 https://weibo.com/6473801248/OEhA7mxou

Info: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/4023323748

#hanyu yuzuru #yuzuru hanyu #羽生結弦 #figure skater #figure skating #aera #magazine #interview #machine #translation

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