#Actually just told my ninety year old coworker about this and she thought I was a genius so like. Telling ppl here.

[nebula-nights-reblogs]

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[vfdbaudelairefile13]

Chapter Forty-Four:

The One When Sunny Misses Her Big Brother Because Klaus Just Isn’t Himself

 

 

Sunny Baudelaire spent the rest of the day in the worker’s dormitory worriedly staring at the door waiting for her brother to come back. As the minutes and hours went by, Sunny began to get more and more worried. She had never been to an optometrist’s office before, so she didn’t know how long appointments usually took. She imagined that it wouldn’t take all day especially in a desolate town like Paltryville. She imagined that Klaus was the doctor’s only client all day which really worried her. What if Klaus was right when he said that the eye-shaped building was not a coincidence and it was a sure sign of villainy. What if Count Olaf was there and he had successfully kidnapped her brother? What if Count Olaf wastorturing Klaus demanding to know her location and Klaus refusing to give it up? She could feel hot tears streaming down her face with each new darker theory as to why her brother wasn’t back yet. It did not make her feel any better to see Phil return without her brother. What made that situation for Sunny even worse was that without her brother, most people had no idea what she was saying. She was an infant, and although her communication skills were impressive for her age, but not that impressive. 

When she had crawled over to Phil and asked him several times, “Ubi?” which was her way of saying, “Where is my brother!?” He just looked at her and shrugged his shoulders. Apologizing to her for not understanding what she meant. She then tried simply saying her brother’s name but all Phil would say in return is “he is at the eye doctors,” Sunny rolled her eyes angrily. She knew where he was, but she was confused as to why Phil had returned without him. She thought Phil was a nice guy like Charles...there’s no way he’d just let her brother get kidnapped or tortured...right? Unless he was part of Olaf’s troupe. But as she stared at her optimistic coworker, she concluded that he wasn’t any of the troupe members in disguise. But then she wondered if he was a new member of Olaf’s troupe. Then she thought of Kronk, a nice friendly man that had helped the Baudelaires back at Uncle Monty’s house. She wondered for a second if Phil could be him. The children never got to see his face since he wore a beekeeper’s hat the entire time. But Phil seemed more cheery and shorter than the man who had helped him. But of course, Sunny wasn’t so sure. But if he was Kronk, then she had a feeling that he would’ve stayed with Klaus through the entirety of the optometrist appointment. 

As Phil began cooking dinner, Sunny followed him into the kitchen. “Suus fieri?” she asked, which was her way of saying, “What’s happening to Klaus?” but again, Phil looked down at his infant coworker and gave her a small smile. 

“You wanna help me in the kitchen while you wait for your brother?” he asked her. Sunny frowned and shrugged her shoulders looking again towards the door of the dormitory. “Maybe it’ll help take your mind off things…”

Sunny reluctantly agreed and raised her arms to indicate to Phil that she was fine with him lifting her up. 

“See! ‘Atta girl!” he said cheerfully as he knelt to pick her up. “Nothing wrong with finding a silver lining in a dark cloud. You know when I was younger, my Aunt Julia would cook with me.” 

Sunny nodded her head and watched as Phil got to work making the damp beef casserole. She was interested to learn how to make the casserole even if it wasn’t the best thing she’d ever tasted. She remembered all the times that she would watch one of her parents cook and bake and how intrigued she was. She frowned thinking about how it was just her and Klaus now. She gave a small chuckle when she realized that as she grows older she may be the one in charge of feeding her older brother because when it came to culinary skills, Klaus heavily lacked in that department.

Sunny tried her best to find a silver lining in her situation as she tried her best to communicate with Phil about different ingredients he should try to add to the casserole to give it a new flavor. She knew he couldn’t fully understand her, so she became accustomed to pointing at a spice, asking what it is to make sure she was right with her assumption and when she wanted him to test the spice or ingredient in the casserole. She would simply say ‘try’. She and Phil had tried different combinations of spices that Sunny had suggested so by the time the casserole was nearly finished, both he and Sunny were beginning to feel a little full.

But as they cooked,  Sunny couldn’t help but feel that Phil was wrong. She could not find a silver lining no matter how hard she tried. She was trying her best to be rational when it came to Klaus still not coming home. All Sunny wanted was for her brother to come home and be safe. 

She tried to remember her last conversation with him, trying to determine if it was one she was proud of. She frowned when she realized that it wasn’t. It was the exact opposite actually. The last conversation she had with Klaus was more or less an argument between the two siblings, which was rare...although Sunny noticed that these arguments were becoming more and more frequent since their parents’ death and she hated that. She remembered how bitter and icy she was towards Klaus. She had dismissed all of his concerns acting as though he was being childish and paranoid. Sunny was now believing that Klaus had every right to be paranoid and childish when it came to Count Olaf’s location and the Baudelaires’ safety. She knew deep down that no matter what Klaus had said when they first got here about Count Olaf arriving would be considered ‘good news’ this time. She knew that that was bullshit, just Klaus’ strange but morbid way of being optimistic. She knew that he feared Olaf more than anything, although she didn’t know completely why. 

She wiped a tear from her eye as she remembered exactly what she said to him in response to him theorizing that Olaf was the new foreman. After he had pleaded with her that all he was doing was trying to keep her safe. ‘Curam me!’ she had shouted at him in an impatient tone dismissing his fears, fears that Sunny knew were completely valid and rational, even if she didn’t know the full reasoning behind them. This was her way of saying, “Goddammit Klaus! I don’t need you to keep me safe! I can handle my own, pretty sure I’ve done enough to prove that! Worry about yourself!” Sunny essentially had told her big brother in the rudest way possible that she did not need him. Something that wasn’t true at all. She did need him. She needed him as much as he needed her. She feared that this...this cold, bitter statement would be the last thing she ever says to her brother. She couldn’t help but sob a little as she sat on the kitchen counter watching Phil put the giant casserole in the oven. 

“Te requiro,” she whimpered looking up at the ceiling, this was Sunny’s way of saying, “Klaus, I need you…” she knew her brother couldn’t hear her but she hoped her parents, who she hoped was looking down on her and Klaus, could hear her thoughts. Because deep down, she needs them, too. She needed her family desperately, but even someone Sunny’s age understood that her parents were never coming back and all she had left was Klaus. 

She sighed angrily realizing that Klaus only babies her because that is essentially what her parents had asked him to do. By forcing him to make that stupid promise, they ensured that Klaus would be overly stressed and never able to cope with the misfortune that he suffered. The moment he made that promise to them, it was like Klaus lost the right to breathe and focus on himself. Which Sunny didn’t believe was fair at all. She understood that as the eldest, Klaus did have a responsibility to look after her more than she should have to look after him, but the way her parents went about it made her angry. They essentially told Klaus to solely care about Sunny and not himself, which even someone as young as Sunny could see that that was not good for his mental state. Putting so much pressure on a twelve-year-old, who now probably feels like he has to be more of a father figure than a brother is simply wrong. Sunny wholeheartedly believed that her parents should be ashamed of themselves. 

Sunny wished she could convince her brother that protecting what remained of their family was a fifty-fifty job. Not a ninety-ten job. But nothing she did had convinced her brother so far. That’s why she had gotten so testy in mill right before Klaus’ glasses broke. She was tired of him acting like he was the sole protector. She now realized that she shouldn’t have been mad at Klaus, he was just following the wishes of their parents. She should’ve been mad at her parents, and she was. Which also conflicted Sunny heavily. She loved and missed her parents and it killed her to feel angry at them seeing that they weren’t ever coming back but she couldn’t help it. She felt this way because, in a sick, twisted way, they had also broken Klaus. 

Oddly enough, Sunny and Klaus shared the same secret desire. Sunny wished that Klaus, too, had an older sibling. Preferably a sister. That could love and protect him like he loved and protected her. Maybe someone a few years older than him, not an extreme age gap like he and Sunny...although if they did have a sibling that much older than Klaus, that sibling could just adopt them. But Sunny wished that there were three Baudelaires, to her that seemed like a good number. Not that she would want to force all of Klaus’ stress and issues onto someone else...but maybe Klaus could help this magical older sibling with some of the responsibility, that way the responsibility of protecting this family would be either an equal third for all parties involved or maybe a forty-forty-twenty ratio, which seemed a bit more likely. But Sunny understood that that was never going to happen. It was just her and Klaus against the evils of the world. Now she feared that it was just her. 

It can’t be just her! She told herself. Klaus would never leave you! But she just couldn’t believe it right now.

“Soups on!” Phil yelled and Sunny looked up a bit confused. 

“Beef?” she asked pointing at the casserole. 

Phil smiled, “it’s an expression more or less meaning that dinner’s ready,” he explained as she nodded. 

“Klaus?” she asked miserably.

“He’s not back yet,” Phil replied. “Maybe he’s on his way back now.”

Sunny nodded but she could still hear her beating heart. She was more than worried now. She knew that last night, Sir called lights out at around 6 p.m., she didn’t want to go to sleep without Klaus being there with her. She had to do that oncebefore and she hated it! When Olaf kidnapped her and shoved her in a birdcage in hopes of making Klaus more complacent towards the blatant child abuse and in hopes of coercing Klaus to hand over the Baudelaire fortune to him, Sunny had to spend one night sleeping in that birdcage while who-knows-what was happening to her brother. She knew deep down inside that that was the night that Klaus had changed. Because he was normal before she was kidnapped and he was seemingly broken when she was rescued. So she never wanted to sleep away from her brother ever again.  

As Phil set a plate for Klaus right next to her, he also handed her a plate of a little bit of casserole seeing that she and Phil had tried many bites and were practically full. Sunny moved her food around with her tiny fingers, glancing at the door the entire time. After dinner, Phil cleared off the table but Sunny stayed seated where she was.

“I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” Phil said rubbing Sunny’s head. She gave Phil a hopeful smile but didn’t say anything. “Why don’t you play a game to pass the time,” he said handing her a deck of cards. 

She shook her head. “No tanks,” She replied, continuing to stare at the door for the remaining time that the lights were allowed to be on. 

“Lights out!” Sir’s loud booming voice came from the loudspeaker. Sunny’s heart sank into her stomach as she watched as the dorm lights flickered off. 

“No,” She whimpered. Phil walked over to her to blow out some of the candles that were still lit.

“Sunny?” Phil said. 

“Huh?” she replied absentmindedly. 

“Lights out,” he replied giving her a small frown.

“Check?” she asked pointing out the door. Phil looked down at the infant as she raised her arms again indicating to Phil that she wanted to be picked up.

“I’m telling you, Sunny, you have nothing to worry about.” 

“Peas,” she asked with her best puppy dog face, this was her cutesy way of saying, “Pretty please.”

Phil sighed but picked up Sunny. Sir had announced ‘light’s out’ but Klaus had still not returned from the optometrist’s, and the young Baudelaire infant was rightfully worried sick. Phil carried her across the courtyard and helped Sunny peer out the wooden gate that led out to Paltryville, and Sunny was instantly dismayed to see no sign of her big brother. 

“Come on, Sunny. I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” Phil replied as he carried Sunny back into the dorm, closing the door behind them. He set her down on the Baudelaire bunk and she began looking out the window to watch for him, she was so anxious that it took Phil explaining to her that the window was not a real one, but one drawn with chalk. Phil continued to insist that she had nothing to worry about but no matter how many times Phil tried to tell her otherwise, all she could do was worry about her older brother. 

“Becer!” she exclaimed, “I think I do, Phil! I think I do have something to worry about. Klaus has been gone all afternoon and I am immensely worried that something awful might’ve happened to him.”

Phil looked at the younger Baudelaire orphan. “I’m sorry. I just don’t understand what you are saying but I assume that you are worried. Which is fine, I know that to children, doctors may seem scary, but like I told Klaus, doctors are your friends and they can’t hurt you.”

Sunny sighed. “Uh-huh,” she replied tiredly, even though she knew that Phil was entirely wrong. Sunny knew that her optimist coworker meant well by telling her that ‘doctors are her friends’, but Sunny was worried that the optometrist who worked in the eye-shaped building was somehow connected to Count Olaf, a man who would do unspeakable things to her and her brother. But it was useless to try to explain this to Phil cause not only would his optimism get in the way of understanding the dangers her brother could be in, but Sunny also had a communication barrier that halted any conversation she could have withanyone. 

Phil began walking away from Sunny after giving her one more smile. “Maybe you’ll wake up in the morning and he’ll be right next to you,” 

“Suski,” she replied sadly, which meant, “I hope so, Phil.” 

Sunny laid on the bottom bunk of the Baudelaire bunk eagerly waiting for her brother to come home as she stared up to the top bunk. In minutes, Sunny was surrounded by the noises of her coworkers snoring. She did not try to sleep, she fought her exhaustion. She refused to sleep when her brother could be in danger. She could feel her dismay growing more and more with each second that passed. Sunny made a squeaky, sad noise as she tried to imagine where Klaus could be and what was happening to him. But one of the worst things about Count Olaf is that his evil ways are so despicable that it was impossible to imagine what would be up his sleeve next. Count Olaf had done so many horrible deeds, all to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune, that Sunny could scarcely bear to think what might be happening to her brother. As the evening grew later and later, the younger Baudelaire orphan began to imagine more and more terrible things that could be happening to Klaus while she lay helpless in the dormitory.

Finally, she heard the creak of the dormitory door and a beam of moonlight shine in. She sat up quickly in the Baudelaire bunk trying to see if it was her brother. A relieved smile appeared on her face as she realized that it was her brother. 

“Klaus!” she whispered in a loud tone. But he just stood there motionless by the door. “Klaus,” she called for him. But he just stood there like a zombie. She lowered herself off the bunk bed and crawled quickly to him. 

“Sollicitus!” she said to him, which meant, “Klaus! I was so worried! You were gone so long!” She immediately hugged his legs but to her surprise, he didn’t even acknowledge that she was there. “No specks,” she muttered, which meant, “Wait...you’re not wearing your glasses...are they still being fixed?”

He still didn’t acknowledge her. She didn’t understand why he was ignoring her. Her heart sank. Was this because I said I didn’t need him? It wasn’t like him to be this dramatic when it came to one of their arguments.

“Sorry,” she said to her brother hugging his legs tighter. He continued to stay motionless, staring into the empty void of space. He was starting to freak her out. “Klaus?”

“Pingo?” she asked, which meant, “Klaus...what was it like inside the eye-shaped building?”

Weirdly enough, her brother who was barely blinking began to smile. 

“Hap?” she asked, which meant, “Why are you smiling?”

“I’m happy to be here, sir,” He muttered so low that Sunny wasn’t sure that she heard him correctly.

“No sir,” Sunny explained, “Sunny.” 

Klaus, once again, did not answer. He merely looked at his sister with wide, wide eyes, as if she were an interesting aquarium or a parade.

“ Klaus! ” she yelled. 

He did not answer again.

“Hoax,” she explained desperately, which meant, “While you were gone, I heard Sir talking to Charles. He said he made a deal to cover something up. There’s something bigger going on here.”

Again, he didn’t answer.

“ Klaus! ” Sunny yelled desperately.

“Shh!” one of the mill workers yelled.

“Be quiet!” another grumbled.

“Klaus...peas,” Sunny pleaded as her brother continued to stand there motionless.

She frowned and tugged on his pant leg. “Somnum?” she asked him, which meant, “I guess it’s been a long day. Would you like to go to sleep?”

“Yes, sir,” Klaus said as he started to walk towards the Baudelaire bunk. Sunny noticed that even his steps were awkward.

“Sis!” she whispered loudly as she followed him, which meant, “I’m not sir! I’m your sister!” 

Klaus laid down in the bunk staring up at the top bunk. “Shoos,” Sunny pointed out, which meant, “Your shoes are still on…”

Klaus didn’t react to what she said at all. Sunny used her teeth to gently untie Klaus’ shoes and pull them off her brother’s feet which was not easy for someone her size. 

“Night,” Sunny whimpered as she used her teeth to pull the blankets over herself and her brother. She snuggled as close to him as she could, even kissing him on the cheek. But Klaus didn’t respond. He didn’t say goodnight. He didn’t say he loved her, he didn’t even kiss her forehead like he used to, and he didn’t even put his arm around her in the protective way that he had done ever since the fire. She looked at her brother with the same face that she had when Mr. Poe had informed the Baudelaire siblings about the fire. A face that detailed grief, sadness, and loss. She stared at her brother and although he was physically there with her, it seemed to her that she had lost him. Like the Klaus she knew was gone forever like her parents. “Loves,” she whispered as she watched Klaus close his eyes drifting away to sleep. She watched the way his mouth quivered, just as it had always done when he was fast asleep. She was honestly relieved to have him back, even if she didn’t feel relieved. 

Sunny laid there in her own miserable thoughts as she stared at her empty shell of a brother. She kept hearing herself argue with Klaus in her mind like it was on an endless loop. All Klaus was doing was keeping that stupid, unfair promise he made to our parents...and I yelled at him telling him that I didn’t need him. She thought to herself as she wiped a few tears from her eyes. He wanted to leave and run away...but I convinced him to stay. Now he’s acting strange. She choked on her sobs. This is all my fault.Sunny told herself as she softly rubbed Klaus’ forehead wishing that everything was normal between them. This is all my fault...and there’s no one else to fix it. Sunny sighed. She looked upwards and thought about her parents again. If her parents weren’t here to help her fix Klaus and she didn’t have another older sibling to help her save Klaus, then Sunny knew it was up to her to fix her brother. 

“Oath,” she muttered, which was her way of saying, “Mama...Dada...I promise I am going to fix this and take better care of Klaus. From now on this is a fifty-fifty deal.” There. Now both Baudelaire siblings made nonsensical promises to their dead parents. Sunny thought. Sunny knew, of course, that her parents had never guessed, when they forced Klaus to make that ridiculous promise, that the sort of trouble the siblings would find themselves in would be so ostentatiously--a word which here means “really, really”--horrendous. But this time, Klaus was the one clearly in trouble, and Sunny could not shake the feeling that it was her fault and it was also her responsibility to get him out of it.

She glanced at her brother one more time as her eyelids threatened to close. She had never seen her brother act so strangely before.”No leave,” she whispered to Klaus, which was her way of saying, “Come back...don’t leave me,”  as she huddled against her brother, peering at him as he slept, no matter how many times she looked at him, it still felt like her big brother had not returned and it was because of that that Sunny Baudelaire cried herself to sleep that night. Hoping and praying that when she woke up everything would be back to normal.

[misszarves]

timeline of my spiral for anyone who wants to laugh react

july 2019: hit a wall with sleep deprivation, anemia, gut problems and probably plain burnout, started having conflicts with my boss especially around my lateness (our workday started at 5:00 AM, he refused to simply write me up or suspend me but instead wanted to “talk about it” and this became extremely intrusive and uncomfortable fast)

also july: had my first encounter with an animal in a sticky trap, outside my apartment, a bird who I was able to rescue

also july: quit that job, went back to the golf course to bartend a couple of days a week

august: moved back in with my parents as a result of my changed employment situation

late august: read that shockingly graphic article in the NYT about child porn that some of you may remember (do I need to put a trigger warning or can y’all use common sense and refrain from looking it up). sharp spike in anxiety, making it worse than it had been in six or seven years

september: picked up more hours at the golf course, was able to make some investments in myself -- a new sewing machine and some singing lessons. had my two-year cake. 

mid-october: found out I was pregnant. on a friday (K, not J, was the father -- some people do ask). made the quick decision to have an abortion but was unable to get in touch with any abortion provider until the middle of the following week (due to phone/email tag, etc), giving me enough time to start Feeling Things about the pregnancy

november: continuing to live with my parents and work full-time as a bartender, succumbed to angst and anxiety as expected -- but family, friends and coworkers with the glaring exception of my mom (who still pretends she didn’t even know I was pregnant, lol) were very supportive. for a brief period, we settled on keeping the baby, and told my dad and picked godparents. when I changed my mind again, my boyfriend was devastated. that pretty much hasn’t changed

late november: in a last-ditch attempt to fend off the crushing dread, I took a trip north to see a friend and her husband (to be clear, I would have visited them anyway lmfao). it helped a little. on the way back, I stopped to see some of my mother’s cousins, who tried to rope me into a pyramid scheme.

november 28: abortion day! my aunt took me to the clinic and then out for burgers. while we were eating, one of the cooks, who my aunt knew, fell off a ladder and onto his back.

first two weeks following the abortion: the normal feel-like-shit-no-matter-how-secure-you-were-in-your-decision period

dec 3: relapsed! 

dec 3 onwards: since the relapse went on for about three months, I can’t nail down when that “two week” period actually ended. pregnancy hormones resulted in waves of anger and teariness, but no satisfying “mourning”. I drank more heavily than I ever did before, routinely got shitfaced or even blacked out while on shift. I told people about the relapse, but the actual inebriation mostly went unnoticed.

christmas eve: after convincing J to come spend christmas with my family, got drunk again, we got in some sort of argument. I don’t remember.

christmas morning: J left as soon as possible.

the blurry period between christmas and mid-January 2020: 

more drinking at work, and a peak in the mouse and rat problem my workplace had been managing badly for several months. saw and heard three tiny, dying, bloody mice on two separate sticky traps (two different days). on a slow ~pasta night~, knocked back a couple of drinks so I could ask one of the cooks at the pasta buffet to leave his post and euthanize the second and third mouse. which he did as humanely as possible -- with a shovel. at this point I wrote a letter to my GM telling him how unacceptable it was to make his hormonal, post-abortive employees deal with sentient animals in their dying agonies, and could he please come up with a different pseudo-solution. about a week later, he came up to me and, with great diplomacy and tact, told me to shove it up my ass.

powdered bait laced with rat poison was placed on the floor in and around the bar and kitchen. I called the health inspector, who brought the hammer down on both the poison and the sticky traps. the poison was cleaned up (part of that job went to yours truly, with no protection) as were some but not all of the sticky traps

I developed a small crush on a long-time coworker (cook #1) who began behaving in what I assumed was meant to be a flirtatious way (eye-fucking, going out of his way to talk to me in a way he hadn’t before, etc). this included some pointed questions about my mental health (the abortion and the relapse were public information at this point). bizarrely, he refused to tell me anything personal about himself. he started dating one of the banquet girls. he eventually told a mutual friend (cook #2, and our shovel-killer from above) that he “got [a] vibe” that I “wanted to fuck” but (as cook #2 gleefully reported to me) made a face and expressed disgust at the possibility of ever being involved with me in that way. (WHY ASK ME ABOUT MY FUCKING ABORTION THEN, YOU WEIRDO)

cook #2 started trying to fuck me. I did not reciprocate. he then told me he thought I was a “six” and that he wasn’t interested. a few weeks later he tried to fuck me again

early january 2020: got both a yeast infection and bacterial vaginal infection

january 6: J had a grand mal seizure on my kitchen floor. I had never seen a seizure and the tremors were so severe that my dad, who had seen many, thought he may also have been having a stroke (turned out, just a seizure). he was hospitalized overnight and kicked to the curb -- but the process was begun to get him back into rehab

january 7 (?): employee gift exchange at work. I was on shift and wasn’t participating, but there weren’t a lot of customers and my coworkers asked me to come join them. there were five-gallon buckets of old sangria to which we were given unlimited access (and remember that I was the bartender, so I took the trips to the fridge and back). I blacked out. cook #2 called my mother and I vaguely recall getting in her van.

the days following that “party”: cook #2 and several other coworkers told me I “didn’t seem that drunk,” ie was not a horrible embarrassment. however, cook #2 told me that I’d made out with him. then I started to hear rumours that I and a third cook (cook #3) had disappeared for half an hour to “go have sex”. let me be graphic for a moment: I was wearing a panty-liner that night because the spotting from the abortion hadn’t stopped, I had a yeast infection, and I hadn’t trimmed my pubic hair in about a month -- no matter how drunk I was, I cannot see myself agreeing to take my pants off around a random coworker. someone told me that I had a cheeseburger in my hand when we disappeared and was still eating it when she saw me again so she doesn’t think anything happened -- but I was suspiciously sore the next day. was it the yeast infection or was I sexually assaulted? I don’t know because I was blacked out and I never asked cook #3

january 10: actual staff holiday party. cook #3 introduced me to his long-time girlfriend. we all smiled and shook hands.

mid-january: mac miller’s circles album dropped. I decided I wanted to live. I continued to drink until the end of february, but stayed sober for much longer periods between much shorter binges

late january: I put in my two-weeks’ notice at the golf course and borrow some money from my dad. stinky came to live with us.

february 1: k, stinky and me moved into a small house my parents’ church is renting

most of february: fighting, gossiping, and faction-forming in my AA homegroup, culminated in a member being expelled and a series of “group conscience” meetings which involved yelling, fighting and crying. a relatively new arrival to our group (but a longtimer in the program) started to power-grab, which wouldn’t have fazed me except that she started openly singling me out as a “newcomer” whose vote did not count. this despite other members relapsing in the same period I did, and said power-grabber having been in attendance at my fucking cake five months previous. things got awkward.

mid-february: J went back to rehab

also mid-february: I got pulled over driving drunk in washington state. ironically, the confidence and ease I got from the alcohol kept me from being rude and short with the officer as I usually am, and he told me in a very friendly way that the speed limit would increase by 10 mph a little further down the highway, so perhaps I was confused, and I should take care out there. no ticket. a sign from god?

also mid-february: I got formally assessed for ADHD and tried ritalin for the first time. this did not end up working out.

mid-february: I was invited to dinner by the much older man who does the irrigation on the golf course, through one of the gardeners, a woman a few years younger than me with an established father-daughter type relationship with the irrigation guy. the three of us ate dinner at his house, and she proceeded to pass out from drinking too much. irrigation guy took the opportunity to feel me up.

end of february: I took my last drink and decided to start applying for jobs

also end of february: my ADHD symptoms as well as my anxiety began to spike, throwing a wrench in my resume-writing and hand-shaking plans

march: something else threw a wrench in my hand-shaking plans, as it did with all of yours. it goes without saying that I have been terribly anxious. the upside is that I know for certain that the abortion was the right idea.

also march: I switched to vyvanse and began to see better results.

mid-march, at the very beginning of shut-downs where I live: I see irrigation guy again and he takes the opportunity to pat my ass. 

end of march: J relapsed in rehab, was discharged and will see at least a ninety-day delay in his plan to complete the program and then get into secondary housing. he was briefly hospitalized, during which time the doctors did so little for him that he would have literally been just as well off in a drunk tank. service canada lost some of his paperwork so he still doesn’t have his medical EI money.

yesterday: J moved into my shed. he spoke to his counsellor, who will try to get him into a recovery house. I am confident that some things, particularly his EI money, will work out very soon. but whatever happens I have felt a reduction in the second-hand stress. as I said, and now he agrees: it’s a pretty nice shed.

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 98 - 104

DAY NINETY-EIGHT

8:30 AM - I don’t wanna go to work. I don’t wanna go to work.

8:50 AM - I stop to get gas on my way to in. $24.16

11:30 AM - We go get Even Steven’s as an office. $8.51

2:00 PM - Work sucks. I can’t focus.

5:00 PM - I head over to an old colleague’s house to help her with some Facebook work. I wasn’t planning on invoicing her, but the project took longer than I thought it would, so I will probably do that and cash in.

7:00 PM - My sister facetimes me while I run through the Del Taco drive through. I get two 8 layer veggie burritos with no cheese no sour cream and cheese and an order of hashbrowns. $6.52

8:30 PM - We watch the NBA summer league games but end up falling asleep shortly after. I think we both forgot what it feels like to have a proper Monday.

DAY NINETY-EIGHT TOTAL: $39.19

DAY NINETY-NINE

8:00 AM - I wake up to my period. Joy!

9:05 AM - I arrive at work, pour myself a toddy, and make some toast. I end up pouring my last glass from my stock, so I make some more.

10:30 AM - My dad’s birthday is today. I end up buying him a hydroflask on Amazon. I also buy a new laptop stand for DJing. Even though I’m all vinyl, it’ll only be a matter of time before I incorp digital elements to my sets. Since I have credits from doing that Facebook study, they’re both free.

11:00 AM - It’s also 7/11 day. We hit up a Vietnamese restaurant and then fill up our slurpee cups. $10

12:30 PM - My DJ friend’s birthday is on Friday. I coordinate with another one of his good friends to chip in for a cake. I paypal her $15. $15

4:00 PM - The issue with eating so early is that I unfortunately am so hungry by 4:00. I make a slice of toast with melt butter and nutritional yeast.

5:45 PM - Home from work! I eat some chips, salsa and hummus and drink a La Croix.

6:45 PM - I meet BFF at a new hangout spot in Downtown Phoenix called Gracie’s Tax Bar. Grace herself greets me at the door with a big hug. Super excited to make this place a regular spot. I get an old fashioned and it’s only $5! $7.17

8:15 PM - I come home from my hang out sesh and eat a frozen burrito.

10:30 PM - Basketball and Zzzz

DAY NINETY-NINE TOTAL: $32.17

DAY ONE HUNDRED

9:00 AM - I drop my car off at Firestone for an oil change. It’s long overdue and I opt for the synthetic oil which apparently means I only have to get it done about once a year. Here’s to hoping this will be the last oil change I have to get before I cash in on my new (used) car.

12:00 PM - I stop by Sprouts for lunch and pick up a sandwich and a package of organic blackberries. $6.32

3:45 PM - The entire office starts talking about ice cream. I am still menstrual so this sounds really rad. I walk with my coworker to Sprouts and buy coconut ice cream sandwiches. Then we go to Circle K and she gets the rest of the office dairy ones. $5.58

5:15 PM - I pick up my car. They sell me a $20 air filter too. $100.27

6:00 PM - I eat some chips and salsa while we watch NBA summer league. The “Suns” win!

7:00 PM - I practice beatmatching.

8:00 PM - We go to Tilt to play pinball. I don’t do very good at all on the Metallica machine but I kick major ass on Ghostbusters and Walking Dead. My card still has over 50 points on it, so I probably won’t have to reload it for a couple more visits.

10:00 PM - Home! I make a salad for dinner out of leftover sandwich ingredients from earlier this week and eat some Ritz crackers.

DAY ONE HUNDRED TOTAL: $112.17

DAY ONE HUNDRED ONE

8:00 AM - My boyfriend wakes me up to move my car for him so he can go to work.

9:00 AM - On time for work today! I make toddy and toast and end up answering support questions for the better half of the morning.

11:30 AM - Even though all I want is something healthy, I opt for something cheap. The colleagues and I head to Taco Bell. I get three crunchy bean tacos. $4.50

3:45 PM - After writing a blog post to bash productivity journals, I have decided to buy one. What that does to this blog series? I am unsure. But I’ve made it 100 days and that rules. I bought this using Amazon gift card credits. Thanks Facebook!

4:00 PM - I also buy a 32 oz Hydroflask with my Amazon money. I hate myself today so retail therapy is helping.

6:00 PM - We order Jimmy Johns for dinner while we watch the NBA Summer League. $17.99

9:00 PM - We drive to Mesa to go to a further out Zia, but end up stopping at the one closer to our house on the way home because they have a record in-stock that I’ve been looking for. I buy HEALTH’s DISCO 3. $25.93

DAY ONE HUNDRED ONE TOTAL: $48.42

DAY ONE HUNDRED TWO

8:30 AM - I wake up next to a very cuddly Katy Perry. I get ready quickly and head out to work.

9:00 AM - My coworker calls and asks if I want anything from Dunkin’. I tell her I’ll take an order of hashbrowns.

9:20 AM - The month is almost half over and I’m doing an “okay” job at pacing. I am going to bring lunch for the rest of the month, so hopefully that will even it out.

12:00 PM - We decide to grab Even Stevens but it’s packed, so we go to Morning Squeeze. I get a scramble potato thing and a sangria. $23.70

1:00 PM - I am DJing tonight so I start planning my sets. I am playing two one-hour sets, so it should be super easy. I accidentally end up building four sets. Whoops.

3:00 PM - I practice beatmatching for a half hour. I seem to be getting worse?

4:30 PM - I actually pull the records for my sets. I grab some extra indie pop favorites just in case people are dancing and want to continue to do so.

6:00 PM - I eat a frozen Sweet Earth burrito and some chips and salsa.

7:00 PM - Boyfriend and I run to AZ Mills to do a quick lap. We get back by 7:50 and I rush to change and pack the car.

8:10 PM - I pick up my DJ Friend and we head to The Grid. There is a good crowd tonight! We set up shop, and I play my first set complete with a cider.

10:00 PM - My boyfriend shows up. We play a couple rounds of pinball. We’re both getting better. This time he smashes Ghostbusters and I kill all the walkers in Walking Dead.

12:00 AM - I play my second set also accompanied by a cider. Sound guy told us to cut it at 1:15 so he could go home. We get paid $100 each.

1:45 AM - We stop at Taco Bell on the way home. DJ Friend buys me a fresco bean burrito.

2:15 AM - I’m so sleepy. Why do I have to load in gear? Ever since I bought my Technics 1200s I’ve been really good about it because my entire setup is worth $1500. My neighborhood is relatively safe and the case weighs over 120 pounds, but it has wheels so it only takes one determined person to move it and you just never know.

DAY ONE HUNDRED TWO TOTAL: $23.70

DAY ONE HUNDRED THREE

5:00 AM - Dog wakes me up wanting to go outside. I guess boyfriend forgot to open her doggie door when he got home and I didn’t notice it when I came in either. Sorry Katy!

8:30 AM - My dad calls both me and my boyfriend to grab boyfriend’s birthday, so they can pay for the trip for us to go to Omaha for Thanksgiving. Boyfriend says he’s awake now, but I am not. My head is pounding and I feel hungover even though I had two waters and two drinks over the course of 5 hours plus a small portion of food?

11:15 AM - Now I’m ready to get out of bed. I still have a lingering headache which blows.

12:00 PM - We stop by Cartel and Einstein’s. I pay for coffee today. Boyfriend gets the bagels. $8

12:30 PM - We stop by Sprouts to get groceries. I am definitely bringing lunch every day next week, so I get a block of tofu and some mustard to make eggless salad for sandwiches. I also get ingredients to make baklava burritos/cigars but they don’t have any filo dough, so I’ll have to make a separate trip for that. I also get some cherries, green chili almonds, and a couple Sweet Earth burritos. $34.12

1:00 PM - Neither one of us are faring well in this heat so we head home. I start the dishes, clean out the fridge, and put away groceries. Boyfriend does a load of laundry in the meantime. We lay down for a bit and relax. It feels super good to chill. I also take a look at some of my bills and investigate Costco’s prescription site. They seem to have not refilled my birth control even though it’s on auto-refill. I order the script manually and pay for it using my normal checking account. When this charge hits, I count it as a monthly expense anyways.

1:30 PM - I transfer $100 from my #NOTSIMPLE “Safe To Spend” section to the goal I have set aside for my future Pioneer DJM-S9. Only $1325 left. AKA 10 - 15 gigs left until I can buy it!

3:00 PM - I get a second wind and end up putting away the dishes, loading them up again, doing the counters, sweeping the carport, and dusting the living room. It feels really good to have a clean house.

6:00 PM - We meet MRCH (they’re a married couple and that’s the name of their band) for dinner at TC Taco. It’s so so good. I pay for our tab. $25

7:30 PM - We then proceed to AMF and bowl our hearts out. I get second place the first round because my boyfriend decides to somehow bowl 175. I win the second game. Boyfriend pays for our games and shoes.

9:30 PM - We end up at home and are happy to be here. Boyfriend downloaded a new game on his XBOX and starts playing. I read some of Theft by Finding and ultimately turn in. Before going to bed, I decide that I’m going to re-read Harry Potter, so I download the first book and fall asleep on the 10th page.

DAY ONE HUNDRED THREE TOTAL: $67.12

DAY ONE HUNDRED FOUR

10:15 AM - I am having a dream about crying at the dentist because I don’t get enough time off of work to do anything when my boyfriend wakes me up.

10:30 AM - My sister and her boyfriend Facetime me while I eat a slice of bread.

11:00 AM - Boyfriend is engulfed in his game from last night, so I get dressed and buy us coffee and bagels. Coffee is free today because ASU Grad Friend is working. I still tip $2 and then buy the bagels ($4.54). $6.54

12:00 PM - NY Friend and his girlfriend officially moved away from NY. They’re staying in Northern AZ right now but are visiting the valley off and on. We have plans to go to a D-Backs game next Sunday, so I buy tickets for me and my boyfriend even though I don’t know if boyfriend will actually go. This month is expensive! $68.50

2:30 PM - I am engulfed in Harry Potter, which I decide to read for the 8th time and my boyfriend is knee deep in his video game, so I offer to buy us Jimmy Johns. $20.47

6:00 PM - As the sun goes down, I mow the grass.

6:30 PM - I return to reading for a bit.

7:00 PM - I make eggless tofu salad. It turns out weird, but it’s packed with protein and will definitely pair well with lettuce, tomato, and onion, so I accept it as a wash. I make a snack with a toasted piece of bread and top it with the salad.

7:30 PM - I read for the rest of the night flip flopping between Harry Potter and Theft by Finding. I find this is a good strategy as Theft by Finding doesn’t have a plot so it’s easy to zone out.

9:45 PM - A couple police officers stop by on a welfare check, but someone gave them the wrong license plate number // it wasn’t us, so it was very confusing.

10:45 PM - I eat a fig bar and some nuts for dinner.

1:00 AM - I finish Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and fall asleep way too late.

DAY ONE HUNDRED FOUR TOTAL: $95.51