#AUTISTIC RANT OVER. proceed with normal conversation.

[animatedtext]

[skullzy20]

Hold on everyone I'm gonna be sick thinking about this

The fact the Drifter doesn't even feel like they belong in the Origin System is honestly painful. The fact they feel like everyone likes the Operator more because it's originally their timeline, and they've just grown to already accept that. The fact they feel actually at home in the fucking year of 1999.

The fact they feel like they were essentially being used when being sent back to 1999, but they end up staying and feeling more at home in the year despite being sent there like an errand boy. Feeling at home in a place you've barely been in for too long compared to everywhere else you've been for the rest of your life? That must feel wild, y'know? And exciting, but also terrifying.

They just have never felt like they belonged anywhere, basically, but when being sent off on a mission by the Lotus they end up actually feeling like the place they ended up felt like home. People finally care about them, and even love them. Friendships were formed and maybe even a true and genuine heartfelt relationship. Sure, they're still surrounded by daily threats like the Scaldra and Techrot, but there's people who actively care about their well-being now.

Imagine it, no longer actually being alone for most of your life? Having people who worry about you, for the first time in who knows how many years? Getting genuine human (as 'human' as the protoframes get) interaction instead of being called around to do jobs? To simply just exist in such a place? It must feel like a huge breath of fresh air

It's so human and it's so real. You finally begin to heal from the trauma that's been a part of essentially most- if not all your life before arriving. It's such a stark contrast to how things are in the Origin System. I wouldn't want to leave either.

Yeah I like the 1999 update a normal amount (lying)

[codenameregnar]

[riverthebooknerd]

what i mean by this via lots of examples (deep dive into my specific flavor of autism, does not apply to everyone)

(by the way, i use the word "them" as a loose, general term for anyone in my life that i know who's said these things to me. it's not one specific person. family, friends, coworkers, classmates. lots of people, really)

(also also some mentions of ableism and autistic meltdowns just a heads up)

me: i'm autistic

them: really?? are you sure??? you don't Look/Act Like It

me:

me: if you say so

AUTISM: VERBAL COMMUNICATION

them: hey river, i just [insert thing here]

me: mm

them: [continues talking]

me: cool. ah. hm. (only responding with one or two words/vague noises) (difficulty with showing emotion through tone)

them: are you okay??

me: yes. why?

them: you sound upset. you're talking weird

me: i'm. semiverbal

them: wha. but you were talking fine earlier!!

me: mm. ye. it's hard sometimes

them: why???

me: *i dunno noise* (cannot articulate at the moment)

them: *asks me about topic i'm hyperfixating on and/or a special interest*

me: [huge rant, talking very excitedly with lots of emotion, interrupting others when they try to chime in, making big gestures and stimming a lot]

stranger: hello, how are you?

me: i'm good! how are you doing?

-proceeds to have a normal conversation-

stranger: have a great rest of your day!

me: you too! *waving as they leave*

friend: *staring, jaw dropped*

me: ..what

them: what the fuck was that

me: ???

them: that didn't even fucking sound like you

them: like. you NEVER talk like that

them: and you weren't even stimming or anything. and . like. tf

me: that's what the mask is. that's what the point of the mask is

me: *stuttering, stumbling over words, getting frustrated and making random noises*

me: and i was talking to them and like i was- er- i was like- mm

me: and it was so- so- agh, fuck, um- what's that one word- *snapping fingers, waving hands* it was-

them: [talking about something] and it's fucking lit

me: *softly* fucking lit

them: are you.. making fun of me?

me: no

(echolalia)

me (at random moments- feat echolalia!)

"that's rough buddy"

*humming songs*

*movie/tv quotes*

*echoing other people*

"neat! cool! sick! awesome! wow! really? hm? ah" (other general exclamations that can easily be applied to convos)

*says "cool" ten times in a row* (it gets worse on days when i'm feeling less verbal)

them: *talking to someone*

me: *accidentally interrupts, not sure when is appropriate to join conversation, wants to add something*

me, out of the blue: did you know that [insert interesting topic here]

AUTISM: SENSORY ISSUES

me: *touches unpleasant texture*

me: *nose scrunch* *quickly pulls away, either wiping my hand or washing it if possible*

me: ah. hmm. euck. did not like that. nope nope nope (usually starts shaking hands- shake off the bad feeling)

them: ahaha you're so funny river!

me: ...?

me: um. thank you? (stiff and awkward. not sure if i'm being made fun of)

them: why aren't you eating [specific food with bad texture]

me: ah, um, i'm full (lie)

me: *eats same food for a week, gets bored of it but it sounds physically painful to eat anything else*

them: haha, that's so unhealthy!

them: [general comments about how i'm ungrateful for the food they made me] (my brain decided that the food they made me was Bad and i Cannot Eat)

me: *clothing shopping*

me: ooh, that shirt looks cool! *picks it up, immediately drops it* never mind

me: do you have a pencil i can borrow?

them: yeah! *hands me wooden pencil* here you go! :)

me:

me: thank you

me: *waits until they're not looking, sets pencil down, curls and uncurls hands* (wood is Bad Texture. do not like to touch wood)

me: *carries headphones everywhere*

them: why do you have those?

me: ...i like to listen to music! :> (not entirely a lie)

me: [at school assembly, everyone is talking, hundreds of voices and it's extremely overwhelming]

me: *zoning out, barely registering anything anymore*

friend: hey, river? assembly's over

me: *nodding, realizing i can't talk*

me, thinking: that's probably not good

[we go outside, get to a quieter place. i literally fucking collapse against the wall, start having a fucking meltdown/panic attack?? can't fucking breathe, i keep repeating the words "i'm okay, i'm okay" over and over]

them: *randomly yells*

me: *flinches, going to cover my ears*

them: ha! did i scare you, river? lol

me: nah haha you just startled me a little bit :] (fucking lie, loud noises are extremely painful for me)

bonus: human touch!! yay or nay? answer:

yay, only from people i know, only when i am expecting it. hate people coming up behind me and touching me. hate strangers touching me.

(also don't like touch under certain circumstances, like when i'm overwhelmed. always best to ask an autistic person if you can touch them)

AUTISM: STIMMING

me: *carries fidget toys in my pockets*

them: can i see those?

me: ye :) (genuinely doesn't mind, pleased that they asked for permission and seems interested in the fidgets)

me: *always wears beaded bracelets. rubs the beads, takes them off and fidgets with them, has to be wearing them at all times besides bed, likes the sounds they make*

me: *wears the same necklace every day, fidgets with it, likes how the metal charms sound when they clink/jingle*

vocal stims-

echolalia

humming/singing

clicking tongue

"augh!" /pos

yelling (when i'm home alone)

"eeeeeeee"

"hmmmmmmm"

physical stims-

cracking knuckles

flappy hand thing

chewing lip/nails/knuckles

scrunching nose

tapping fingers

clapping

tugging hair

braiding

picking at things

tearing up wrapper after eating food (ex: shredding chip bag)

me: *stims absently, without realizing*

me: *looking down whilst sitting at the table to realize that i tore my paper towel to shreds* (my mom hated it when i did that)

me: *at the movie theater, marvel movie just ended, super exciting end credits scene* (marvel is one of my special interests)

me: (stimming, flapping hands, ranting to brother excitedly)

parents: *laughing at me, pointing*

sister: woah, river you need to calm down!! *physically reaches over to grab my arms*

me: ??? *pulls away* i am calm?

sister: no you're not! you're doing- this weird thing! *imitates hand flappy*

me: that's. just a thing i do! it doesn't mean i'm not calm! and it's not weird, you brat

sister: yes it is! (note: she's young. doesn't know better)

them: why do you keep doing that? (referring to stim)

them: it looks like you're broken haha lol

me: *stops* yeah haha just thought i saw a bug (no bug.)

STOPPING IT HERE BC IT'S SUPER LATE AND I'M TIRED BUT LMK IF YOU WANT A PART TWO CUZ I HAVE SO MUCH MORE

i feel like ranting but what shall i rant about. it is quite the conundrum indeed

[veradragonjedi]

@chiffchaffinch

[hatreds-og-imagedescriptions]

[ID: animated top/bottom text gif says "autistic rant over. / proceed with normal conversation." Both texts are 3d and red, and have a white stroke. The top text is in all caps and spinning to the right, while the bottom text is in all lowercase and spinning to the left. End of ID.]