#ANYWAYS! i love this woman with all my heart and cant wait til she has some more awesome moments in the story. i mean..

[chidoroki]

May 16th - Happy Birthday Vanessa - ft: her tvtropes

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Home - Part 22

A/N - So this is the last part my lovelies! (Well there will be an Epilogue) i just want to thank everyone who has kept with this til the end and for all the love you’ve shown. 💕

"Buck, i cant stop looking at them" i smiled down at my two boys laying side by side in the hospital cot.

"I know, their perfect" he beamed before turning and kissing me "you did so good baby"

"I didn't do anything, i didn't even know what was going on!" I chuckled, when they took me down to the OR the babies heart rates dropped suddenly and they had to give me a general anaesthetic and get them out quick.....when i woke up again i had my two boys.

"You did everything! You carried them for the last... what, 8 months? You've kept them safe and healthy"

"I guess i did do that, I've got the stretch marks to prove it" i rolled my eyes.

"we still need names, we can't just keep calling them 'the boys' you know"

"Mmmhmm okay but can we talk about it after i sleep?" I asked covering my mouth as i yawned.

"Sure doll, you get some sleep"

"You'll watch them?"

"Of course, Steve will probably be in here in a minute he was so excited" Bucky shook his head and laughed.

"Okay, Just let me sleep for an hour and wake me up okay?"

"You got it".

When i woke up again i looked over to see Bucky sat with his eyes closed, both boys sleeping on his chest. He wasn't asleep just resting his eyes, his thumbs gently stroking over their tiny legs as they slept soundly. It was the most beautiful sight ive ever seen, i couldnt help but reach for my phone and snap a photo.

Yes im gonna be that mom who takes photo's of everything! Don't judge me!

"What are you doing?" He asked opening one eye and looking at me suspiciously.

"Taking a photo of my boys" i smiled "i told you to wake me up in an hour Buck, how long did i sleep? Its dark out!"

"4/5 hours" he shrugged casually "enjoy it while you can doll, you wont sleep well for a while"

"Unless they take after their mama and like their sleep too? God i hope they do!"

"Their gonna need a feed, you feeling up to it?"

"Yeah".

Bucky got up and carefully passed me one of the twins while he kept the other close to his chest and sat back down.

"His so tiny.... i feel like i'm gonna break him" i said as i lowered my gown and tried to get the baby to latch onto my breast "He latched on straight away.... oh my god this is so weird..."

"Thats my boy" Bucky winked making me laugh quietly so i didn't disturb the baby.

"So names..... i was thinking Steven and Samuel as middle names? Both of them are important to us" i said looking down at the baby in my arms.

"I love that idea, they'll love that too"

"Is Steve gonna Cry?"

"Probably" Bucky chuckled knowing what his friend was like.

"Okay and first names?"

"How about Thomas....After your dad? I know you miss him" Bucky suggested.

"I really do, i wish my mom and dad were here to see this" i quickly wiped a tear away "Thomas Samuel Barnes?"

"I like it doll"

"Me too" i smiled looking down at the larger of the boys in my arms "i think this is Thomas"

"Okay and now for this little man"

"How did we not decide on names before today?" I shook my head.

"Because we've had our hands full with the girls and Jack's case.... we thought we had more time" Bucky shrugged before getting up and switching out the babies.

"I don't really know what names i like"

"Me either, i didn't think it would he this hard to name them" i said as i got comfy with the next baby.

"You know just before the girls went to bed i heard Allie talking to the bump again.... how do you feel about Theodore?" I asked raising an eyebrow questioningly "thats what she called one of them.... we could call him Theo or Teddy for short?"

"Theodore Steven Barnes? It kinda works" he nodded "for the record i'll probably never call him Theodore"

"It doesn't surprise me babe, the girls rarely get called by their full names either"

"Thats true"

"So are we agreed?"

"I think we are" he grinned as he got settled with Thomas again.

"Did Steve come see them while i was sleeping?"

"Yeah but only for 10 minutes, i didn't want to disturb you.... plus visiting hours where nearly up. His coming back up later with the girls though, then his gonna take them home and watch them til we're aloud to go home"

"Sounds perfect, i miss my girls already"

"Im sure their missing you too"

"Their probably too busy with Auntie Becca to care" i smiled over at Bucky who was shaking his head.

"Okay Teddy is done, can you take him please.... i think i need some more pain relief"

"Sure doll" he laid Thomas in the cot and took Teddy from me before sitting back down to winding him.

I held a hand to my stomach and winced as i pressed the call button for the nurse.

"Your gonna be feeling that for a while doll, your gonna have to take it easy too. Let me help you with things"

"I'll be fine...."

"You will take it easy and let yourself heal"

"But Bucky you cant look after the girls and newborn twins on your own! I can't just sit around and do nothing...."

"You can and you will, Ive already spoken to Steve and his gonna come stay with us until your better"

"Okay, its not like he isn't always there anyway. I sometimes wonder if he actually lives with us and i just don't know about it"

"You don't mind that Steve's around alot do you?"

"Course not, i love Steve"

"Good, you'd tell me if you had a problem with it?"

"You know i would"

"Ms Y/L/N, how you feeling?" One of the nurses smiled as she walked into the room.

"I need something for the pain, other than that im good" i smiled at her.

"Okay lets see what i can do about that".

It was about an hour later when Steve walked in with Becca and the girls.

Steve came straight over to me and placed a kiss on the top of my head, Rosie was cuddled up to him but held her arms out to me as he leaned down.

He let her down to lay beside me and she instantly cuddled up to me.

"Hey mama, how you feeling?" Steve asked.

"Im doing okay, sore.... but its worth it"

"Their beautiful" he nodded looking down into the cot beside me we're they both slept.

"Congratulations you guys, their beautiful" Becca smiled hugging Bucky before getting a closer look at the babies.

Brooke and Allie stood with Bucky looking down at Thomas and Teddy.

"Girls, these are your baby brothers" Bucky said quietly to them and they smiled.

"Their so tiny"

"What are their names?" Allie asked turning to look at Bucky.

"Well this one, this is Thomas" he pointed to the bigger twin "and this is Theodore" he pointed to the smaller one, Allie gasped and looked up at me.

"I knew it!.... i knew that was his name!"

"Okay can i hold one now?" Steve asked practically bouncing on the spot making us laugh at him.

"Sure Steve, hey Buck why don't you let him hold Teddy first?"

"Sure doll" he carefully lifted Teddy and placed him in Steve's arms "this is Theodore...."

"I know that Y/N just said so"

"Theodore Steven Barnes"

"What!? Are you serious?" He said his eyes going wide.

"Yeah pal"

"Guys...." he said with tears in his eyes "i dont know what to say"

"Told you he would cry" Bucky chuckled and Steve gave his his best bitch face.

"If i wasn't holding Teddy id kick your ass"

"Yeah whatever pal"

"Language! Uncle Steve!" Brooke said with wide eyes as she turned to look at him.

"You said a bad word Uncle Stevie!" Allie added making us all laugh.

"Yeah Uncle Steve you said a bad word! Don't be saying bad language words around my kids"

"God your such a mom already"

"Y/N?" Allie said walking over to the side of my bed.

"Yeah babe?"

"Does this mean your our mom too?"

I looked over at Bucky who shrugged with a smile, i knew he was telling me it was my choice what i told her.

"Yeah Allie, i'm your mom too..... if you'll have me?"

"Really??" Brooke asked coming to stand beside Allie.

"Yeah"

"And... can we call you mom?"

"You can if you want to, whatever your comfortable with" i smiled brushing a piece of hair back from her face.

"Im gonna call you mom" Allie said casually before running back to her dad who was smiling as he listened to our conversation.

"You guys are gonna make me cry again" Steve said sniffling from the chair in the corner.

"I think i might join in this time too" Becca added quickly wiping a tear from her face.

After spending the longest two days in the hospital the boys and i were finally aloud to go home. It was the best feeling being back home, knowing i had Bucky and all my babies under one roof and plus Bucky and Steve had been amazing.

They wouldn't let me do much though.....They'd even carry me upstairs!! I was now managing to walk around by myself, slowly, but i was on the mend.

Sam and Wanda came to visit us the day we got home, Sam had actually cried when we told him Thomas's middle name.... even though he tried to hide it.

Wanda had sat cooing at the twins for hours and saying how much she couldn't wait to meet her little bundle of joy.

I was sat in bed just finishing the feeds, Bucky was next to me holding Teddy, the girls were asleep on the bottom of the bed, we'd been watching Aladdin and they had all fallen asleep halfway through. I smiled as Aladdin and Jasmine were singing about 'A Whole New World' realising my whole world was in this room, i never thought id be this happy.

"You okay doll? You seem a million miles away" Bucky asked pressing a kiss to my lips.

"Yeah, just thinking about how lucky i am that i met you. You've made me the happiest woman in the world Buck.... you gave me 3 beautiful girls and my handsome boys, who already look so much like their daddy by the way!" Bucky chuckled as he laced his free hand with mine "i love you baby"

"I love you too, i couldn't ask for a better mama for our kids" he smiled bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing my fingers "marry me?"

"What??...." i looked at him with wide eyes "did you just...."

"Yeah" he nodded with a huge smile on his face "make me the happiest man in the world and say yes?"

"Are you sure...? I mean i dont want you asking just cause we're having a moment...."

"Doll, this isn't just me being in the moment i promise" he said leaning over to the drawer in his bed side cabinet. When he turned back to me he had a black velvet box in his hand "ive had this for a while, i was just waiting for the right time"

"Buck...." i gasped feeling my heart racing as he opened the box to reveal the most beautiful ring id ever seen.

"What do you say doll? will you marry me?"

"Yes!! A hundred times yes!" I smiled with happy tears as he slipped the ring onto my finger and kissed me.

"Its you and me doll, always"

"I think i'm okay with that".

Home taglist: @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @lumar014

@bbmommy0902 @past-perfect-future-tense @heathens-takeitsl0w @captainchrisstan @ladymelissastark @93generation @sebastianstansqueen @oceansxpurple @Imjstaghoststory @rainbowkisses31 @superavengerpotterstar @cap-just-said-language @booktease21 @ms-betsy-fangirl @wildest-dream- @michelehansel @thummbelina @abbylizy @sweetlittlegingy @lorabem @barnesandrogersworld @dumblani @broco8 @xxloki81xx @keithseabrook27 @jesseswartzwelder @saiyanprincessswanie @stormi-ames @death-unbecomes-you

[cowboyshit]

@adampage tumblr did a dumbass thing and messed up the read-more to where I couldn’t put it under one so I had to delete your ask and I’m making a separate post for this disaster of a ramble hoooo boy i hope you’re ready for what you’ve unleashed

adampage  asked: ma’am I know you’re high off your rocker but if you have time would you please critique hangman’s playlist for me bc I want to know your thoughts 🥰 anyway yeehaw

OH MY GOD yes???? yes I fucking WILL?????? let’s just pump the breaks on what i was doing right the fuck now, get his playlist in front of me (even though ive been listening to it nonstop and have so many things to ALREADY SAY) and talk about this shit. im sorry if this isn’t coherent im pry just gonna ramble. (edit to add now that I’m done: ITS FREAKING 3252 WORDS LONG LMAO OH MY GOD)

first and foremost. I Love It. let’s just slap that down. get that out of the way. ITS SO GOOD. SO FUCKING GOOD. also this is going under a readmore cause YEAH. it’s THAT LONG.

let’s start first with mr. adam ‘i taught graphic design when i was 20 and learned adobe illustrator and photoshop to design my own tshirts when i was an indie wrestler’ page’s cover image. wait. no. back up - look at the profile image he chose for his profile. it’s not a selfie. it’s not a picture he snapped with his camera. it’s a screenshot of the “has been drinking” moment on aew dynamite. what a lovable FOOL. he really saved that and put that as his profile pic im skjdfkjfd okay now swing back to the anxious millenial design with the signed hangman adam page for the cover. he designed that. I swear he did. I swear he did that. I could be wrong but I just feel it in my bones. that was him. also, THAT should have been the vintage shirt. cowboy shit is cute but ANXIOUS MILLENNIAL COWBOY? I NEED THAT AS THE SHIRT!

okay now let’s get into the songs. wait. before i go through it I do want to say something about the playlist overall.

I can’t decide if this is because he shares so many similarities to the character hangman adam page, but so many of these songs apply to his character like, this fucking playlist plays like a hangman adam page THE CHARACTER playlist. like this is the playlist i’d find on 8tracks back when that was the “thing” in fandom where every song makes me go “OMG THAT IS THAT CHARACTER” like. I don’t know if he did that purposefully as an extension of the character? or if it just happens to line up because of how similar he is and his story is to his character but SOME of these songs wooooo boy they get deep dont they? when you compare them to the character?

okay. songs.

so I know some of these, especially the classics, summertime of course, but for the ones I didn’t know I love them so much. they have such a vibe that just fits him, and they’re all so good???

rather low by nick shoulders is one I didn’t know and I fucking LOVE it. and look. it goes from Long Time Gone by the Dixie Chicks. Long Time Gone about being away from the country life, from home and if my THEORY is right about this playlist hitting the character, hangman is struggling with being lost, without a family. it goes from that to rather low, which talks about not being welcome at home. like “I told you once I told you twice, I’m steeped in verse and cursed in vice” ajdskjds GOOD lyrics. beat slaps. song slaps. I love it.

okay so we go roll on mississippi which is soft compared to the two upbeat songs that just hit us before. calms you down after that high energy beat rather low had. lets you breathe. AND it’s got a sad, soft, longing pull to it, falling in with more of those “lost” from home themes. “You're the childhood dream that I grew up on. Roll on Mississippi, carry me home. Now I can see I've been away too long.” UGH! and also, it’s just a good fucking song.

then we go to a song i haven’t heard and love, going places by aubrie sellers. it’s a little bit funkier, but still soft. also groovy as FUCK. and it obv talks about GOING places. so maybe the first three songs were about the home he’s left behind, but now it’s about where he’s going. and man this song just SLAPS.

A CLASSIC is next, 1970 something illegal smile by john prine. it has that classic soft croon, such a good country sound and it’s a little bit playful. it makes you wanna smile and sway back and forth. it’s a good song. fun. but it’s almost a little bit. dark? “ Won't you please tell the man I didn't kill anyone. No, I'm just tryin' to have me some fun. Well, I sat down in my closet with all my overalls, tryin' to get away from all the ears inside my walls. I dreamed the police heard everything I thought, what then?” it just makes me think of when his character “killed” joey ryan. I could be looking too far into it but, that’s what popped into my head.

OKAY NOW this next one. fuck yeah I DIG this song. I hadn’t heard this song and it quickly went into my liked songs. and if we’re following his character, the lyrics hit HARD. “ I've lost the will to try this worthless lullaby. Its melody won't fly me past oblivion. I bet it would be nice to find that paradise, a world of sparkling light beyond the setting sun. But I don't dream anymore” ugh !!!!!!! UGGGHH!! SO GOOD?? and even the slight upbeat to it. “would if I could but I don’t dream anymore” uuuuggghhh SO GOOD. love this song. one of my faves of the whole list for sure.

the next two back-to-back are CLASSICS and fit the hangman adam page character so damn perfect. i’ve even looked at lyrics from merle haggard’s i don’t want to sober up to night for adam in the past akjfdkjdsf it’s fucking perfect. and then followed by dwight yoakam’s honky tonk man?! amazing. we go from from fucking heart-wrenching lyrics if you think about them for him: “ I don't want to sober up tonight. I don't want to act like things are alright, and I don't want to change just to make you think I'm happy. That's my right, I don't want to sober up tonight. I want to keep my mind a little hazy. I don't care if all my friends think I'm crazy. The way I treat myself I might be a little crazy But that's alright, I don't want to sober up tonight. I'm here to drown another day of misery. I'm in here to spend one night without a mem'ry and the way I'm drinking now there won't be any memory. But it's alright, I don't want to sober up tonight” to HONKY TONK MAN. HONKY. TONK. MAN. “ Well I'm a honky tonk man and I can't seem to stop. I love to give the girls a whirl to the music of an old jukebox, but when my money's all gone, I'm on the telephone singing, hey hey mama can your daddy come home?” ajhsdjksdjkf like. look. partying hangman, drunk, swinging a girl around in the country bar???? cause he refused to sober up and just wanted to have fun? anyways regardless if there’s a connection or if im reaching, these are some good classics to pull out right here. honky tonk man will ALWAYS bring the party back up.

another song I didn’t know but now love? happy reunion by colter wall? this is a good freaking cowboy song??? and it’s a cute story???? about what a cowboy does during his day??? what the fuck? riding along the range with his dog, helping the cow, getting the calf back that’d gotten lost???? CUTE? anyways this is a vibin as HELL song and if it’d come out when I was still raising cows my ass woulda been blasting this shit as I drove to feed the herd for SURE. this song is a whole ass vibe and I’m digging it.

okay. walk through fire by yola? another i didn’t know (which - so far it seems all the songs that arent classics - spare dixie chicks - are from 2019) and I am obsessed with???? it’s so good? and fuck just such a good love song??? “Standing on the side of the river. Staring across the great divide. I'd give all my gold and silver just to get to the other side. Your love is like a rescue vessel, carries me through the night through these flames of destruction. I know you're gonna make it right. I know, I know you're gonna save my life.“ LIKE? HENLO????????? FUCK!!!! THATS SO GOOD. that whole song I could post all the lyrics tbh. and the way she CROONS it ugh. yeah. I love that song.

FUCKIN YES. DOLLY FUCKIN PARTON. youre not gonna make a country playlist and not include a dolly parton song boy i KNOW IT. and the song choice??? hm? remind you of a CERTAIN COWBOYS STRUGGLE WITH NOT HAVING A HOME???? “What difference does it make which way I go, got an empty feelin' down inside. Still I need to stay alive and who can tell what waits beyond this road. I'm a drifter” ajdfshjsd god I love dolly. and of COURSE he does too. i’m so pleased by this choice I can’t stop smiling. ugh. love this. love dolly.

sandpaper oneside, rubber other by the bobby tenderloin universe what do you know? another 2019 song I didn’t know and yet absolutely LOVE. I also am loving how he does a mix of classics with newer (but still almost classic-country sounding, maybe like. classic meets modern) country music in this playlist. AND WHAT A SONG. it’s so good? and again, just makes me think of the character. “there are two minds inside me. that’s one life too many. but i keep moving slow on both sides, strong as I can be.” tell me that doesnt make you think of hangman adam page. and it has such a... sad vibe. “i cant believe the things i am. as much a lion as a lamb” !!!!!!!!!!! ugh such a GOOD LINE. THAT SLAPS. LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh this song. especially the back vocals of the woman that comes in later on? it’s like. ethereal. beautiful. fucking beautiful and almost haunting. paired with the sad lyrics? UGH. gorgeous.

long white line by sturgill simpson i do know and LOVE and it’s got a fun, uplifting cowboy beat following the more slow, sad croon of the last song. it’s SO COUNTRY. the way it’s sung? SO COUNTRY. and also ajdfskjsd adam. “I woke up my baby was gone without her I don't need no home” and “Gonna' push this rig 'til I push that girl out of my mind. If somebody wants to know what's become of this so and so tell em' I'm somewhere looking for the end of that long white line” kjdjkfdkjf this is just such a country song, and it fits SO well, especially after that previous pick.

now we go from two new songs to another classic. another (i think) 1970s country hit. lonesome, on’ry and mean is SUCH a classic country song. it has that good old sound, and the story it tells too. and just, I can’t stop thinking about hangman just “ Been driving these highways, been doing things my way. It's been making me lonesome on'ry and mean.” ajdskjflkf it’s fair to say that character IS lonesome, on’ry and mean right now. anyways, fun country song regardless and I DIG the addition.

okay back to a newer song and holy shit. this is my personal favorite of the new songs he introduced me to. this song I LOVE this song. fuuun FUN beat, makes me want to fucking GROOVE. I love love love this, and I love the way the singer sings? it just makes me wanna UGH. just wanna sway to it. the whine in the croon I just love. and the BEAT. the beat is so fucking good. and the lyrics? “I'm that wholesome Midwestern boy that you want to bring home to your mama. Even though I bring you joy, baby I'm not the toy you wanna play with at night. Too many things I've seen. Too many people and places I've been. I'm thinking about doing those things I shouldn't be doing. Something I've never done before. I want something to fuck me up. Need somebody to fuck me up. Everyone feels like it. Fuck me up, fuck me up, fuck me up” ajdsjkds I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH “Well I might go and get drunk and stoned 'cause it's better than being only crazy. If I ever come back, wherever I end up at is where I was supposed to be.” it’s so perfect for his character it drives me crazy. this is a song I’d listen to and first, groove to, and then be like THIS SONG IS HANGMAN. love this song. absolutely a favorite.

the next song though. the next song. fucking hangman adam page and his love of biscuits. southern biscuits by seasick steve oh. my. god. this BOY. THIS COUNTRY BOY. THIS BISCUIT LOVIN COUNTRY BOY. this is such a damn good addition. not only is it so fucking country, almost. spoken/sung? the soft hum with the fucking banjo??? and of COURSE of course he knows and loves this song I can’t with him. and it hits you with the: “ Southern biscuits, nothin' better in the world 'less they're made for you, by your southern girl.” and I go UWU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

two new songs so guess what? classic time. BALANCE. HE’S KEEPING BALANCE. I swear he’s done this purposefully and I could be crazy I could be giving him more credit than is due but I swear he’s picked the arrangement of songs too. because this is too coincidental. so, we’ve got our classic livin on the run by david allan coe. what a DARK song to go with. about a man who murders a woman and lives on the run (again, can’t help but think of the joey ryan murder thing, but hey. that’s just me grasping for straws) regardless if it ties or not, it’s a good classic and it’s fun to croon to even if its uh. dark but sung like. upbeat? almost???

okay, another classic and, to me, one of the sexiest songs on this playlist. I fucking love this song. it’s sexy with an underlying of dark. she literally seduces and knocks the guy out and robs him blind and he’s STILL craving her summer wine like. this song is SO GOOD. so fucking good. the way the music swells with the storytelling is beautiful. “Strawberries cherries and an angel's kiss in spring, my summer wine is really made from all these things. Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time, and I will give to you summer wine” is just so ajkdfskjdfs ugh i love this song

and guess what? two classics so we’re swinging to a newer song. left turn on a red light by blackfoot. oof. I didn’t know this song and it hit me, it’s so good and I know im saying that about all of them but Honestly. “ Sun shines down on the desert, and it seems to make my life a haze, and I dream of my childhood sweetheart,and the freedom that I had in those days.” UGH. “ Will I always be a rambler? Will the ones I love always keep tellin' me, "You stare too long in the mirror, son, someday you'll be too blind to see.” HELLO???? those lyrics? SO GOOD. and again applying them to hangman just makes me FERAL SCREAM.

cowboys and hippies by cody jinks is such a hangman song it’s almost unreal. if I was going to REALLY reach I’d say it almost reminds me of the way the crowd pulls him back. “At some old honkytonk bar that I know by the smell, some old drunk on a barstool on a Merle Haggard tune. That's my kind of room. Raising hell with the hippies and the cowboys. They don't care about no trends, they don't care about songs that sell. Yeah, tomorrow I'll be gone, so tonight everybody just sing along, raising hell with the hippies and the cowboys” GOOD LYRICS. this has the same sad undertones too as a lot of these songs have too.

ugh. I love him sincerely for this next one. blue skies is one of my favorite songs, but blue skies by willie nelson? YES. my grandpa used to play willie nelson ALL THE TIME and I love this version. an uplifting song to follow the heavier songs. I’d like to think of a hangman who has the blue skies from now on. all of his blue days gone. this song is such a classic (cover) that just. good pick. I love this.

alright, so we’ve got a classic but he’s chosen the version from bojack horseman which makes me think that might’ve been the first time he heard it, but that’s neither here nor there. stars is a BEAUTIFUL song. and boy am I happy we had blue skies before this cause fuck. how sad? how emotional?????? “People lust for fame like athletes in a game, we break our collarbones and come up swinging, some of us are downed some of us are crowned, and some are lost and never found” fuck. fuck fuck fuck. and the last two lines, thinking about hangman? “So if you don't lose patience with my fumbling around, I'll come up singing for you, even when I'm down.” FUCK. my HEART. good pick but OUCH. good but ow.

summertime by orville peck is next BLESS finally an orville song I was gonna lose it on him if he put a playlist and DIDN’T include an orville song. interesting though he went with summertime, the newest, and not any of the ones off pony. but! it follows stars well. its soft, lull, and the lyrics are so hangman now that I put it in this context. “Catch 'em by surprise and chasin' the horizon, nothing holds me down. Askin', "Where the time's gone?" Dreamin' with the lights on, tryna keep your eyes on something along the rise" anyways I know YOU know this song well it’s so fucking good. has that same soft pull a lot of these songs have. the way that chorus swells though? the secondary vocals??? ugh. yeah this was a great choice, I’m glad he went with summertime. it fits the vibe of this playlist so well.

we’re ending on a song with such a country sound to it (i mean all of these do), a bit more upbeat, a bit more funky. “Some say I'm a wild man, drink too much nectar from the corn” and also “Oh the school, it wasn't for me. I earned my stripes a different way I learned to sing harmony and go play out on the stage” definitely makes me think of hangman for SURE. it’s a funky song to end on, and if you keep listening to the playlist on repeat like I do, it even falls into long time gone really well.

and of course this is assuming you’re meant to listen to them one after the other and not on shuffle. I’m sure it still works on shuffle but I LOVE the flow of this playlist listening to it one after the other.

love this whole playlist. and my identifying it with the character could TOTALLY be reaching, but of course I’m going to think of him and analyze his selection of *these* songs specifically to put out to all of us. out of EVERY song he likes. he didn’t include... hmm cowboy take me away, for example? shoulda been a cowboy??? the vibe of the overall playlist FITS “anxious millenial cowboy” it has an underbelly of sadness to it. and I dig the fuck out of that.

overall 10/10 I love this fucking playlist thank you goodnight

[sailorshadzter]

here’s me compiling all of my thoughts on episode 1 of season 8!! or at least the thoughts i deemed important enough lmao. big focus on jonsa, political jon, and the starks in general. 

under the cut for SPOILERS + length. 

shout out to all of the amazing content creators out there who have already gif’d this episode. ya’ll are amazing!

anyways, here we go! ps. things could be out of chronological order, sorry lol

lets jump right in with dany and jon arriving at winterfell. i really enjoyed the call back to season 1 bran scrambling up as high as he could to watch robert baratheon & company arrive. 

we have them riding in among dany’s army, looking quite like the royal “couple” they want us to believe they are. dany doesnt look particularly interested to even be there and i think it’s because she’s upset at how everyone is looking at her. jon reminds her that the north isnt easy to impress, that they dont look kindly at foreigners. this isnt pleasing to her. dany has to be loved, by everyone. she cant stand thinking not everyone is on her side. in her mind they have to support her because she’s the queen. 

but she’s not queen, not yet at least. 

next comes the dragons. 

the northerners run, some screaming in fear, others just stumbling in an attempt to find shelter from the dragons that fly overhead. and just look at dany’s face. look at her! what a smug little smile, i hope she enjoys it because she’s got a lot coming to her this season.

i hate this, i just want everyone to know. i still like dany but this arrogant, mocking girl is driving me insane and it’s only episode 1. what little bit of likeness i had for her will fade real fast at this rate. she’s glad the people fear her dragons and thus fear her. she knows the northerners probably will never come around to her and bend so she’s going to get them on her side the only way she knows how: her dragons. 

lets be real- dany has nothing on her own. she’s nothing but a pretty face with a cold heart capable of dark, brutal things. but what if there werent any dragons? what would she be without them? who would fear her then? sure, she’s got a big ass army... but armies can be beaten. armies can be led astray by their own leaders doing. so yeah, she’s got an army but in the end, thats not foolproof. but dragons? those are pretty damn foolproof (unless you send your ~romantic interest~ off on a suicide mission that ends up costing you one of said dragons). she’s going to try and coerce everyone in the north through fear and it might work on the common folk, but wait til she meets the Starks.

yeah, do these girls look afraid?

not at all.

youre a man. almost. 

 i low key teared up at their reunion. it was sweet. plus it was nice to see bran in a more human moment. he’s always so robotic, i thought it was nice to hear him joke a little. 

as jon is looking at bran, you can see the moment he realizes sansa is looking at him. he pulls back from bran and turns to her (wow she looks beautiful, i cant even get over that). 

(gif by @stark)

sansa opens her arms to jon and i have to admit... the hug felt almost lackluster... at first. once i watched it a second and third time, i started seeing the things i didnt see the first time. 

for one thing- it was so amazing in the trailer because we could see jon’s face. kit is so incredible at his facial expressions and you knew exactly what jon was feeling the moment he saw sansa. with sansa, she’s very subdued- but its definitely done on purpose. obviously, she’s happy to see jon but she’s angry with him too. and dozens of people are there watching them, including this queen he’s brought with him. she has to be careful. 

(gif by @stark)

this instant, ever since i saw the trailer, ive thought jon whispered something to her. that’s why her eyes immediately flick up and pin their focus on dany who is standing just across the courtyard. we dont hear jon say anything but that doesnt mean he doesnt. what i find interesting about this is how in the episode, we’re shown sansa’s face and her emotional reactions to whats happening, but we dont see jon’s. in the trailer, it cuts to sansa’s eyes as soon as jon reaches her embrace, so we never see jon’s face in this scene. meaning, we dont see his lips ever move. i still want to believe he whispers something to her, but i almost feel like sansa would have referenced it later in the episode when they speak privately. but, you never know! 

next we have jon introducing sansa to dany, which as we all suspected, did not go well. 

as dany walks up, she’s smiling, her tone charming. her eyes are wide and she looks soft- she’s good at this. notice how no one in the courtyard moves, no one kneels or even bows in dany’s presence as they had once done for robert baratheon. this is not their queen. 

i literally laughed as dany said this. 

she’s trying desperately to come across as likable. she knows most of the north won’t bow to her without the backing of this girl and while she has her dragons to instill fear, she probably does want sansa to like her. she’s in love with her “brother” after all. they’d be sisters, so they should get along, right? 

wrong. 

sansa sees right through her. she’s good at finding a liar- she’s spent her whole life around them. learning from them, the best of them. you cant lie or manipulate sansa stark. not anymore. 

(gif by @cptainsrogers)

whew boy, that’s the face of someone who’s pissed. how quickly she changes!! as soon as sansa speaks, she loses her smile and blinks and she breathes in. she’s trying to restrain herself and keep a calm, cool composure. but its written all over dany’s face here- she’s not happy. 

again, im reminded that this is a woman who cant be told no and who doesnt like when someone isnt falling over themselves to please her. sansa is clearly not impressed with dany and she’s not afraid to let her know that. she’s calm, polite, but her tone & face says everything her words cant. 

bran interrupting was great. 

he sees what’s going on here and he’s right, now isnt the time for a little cat fight. he tells them that the night king has a dragon & dany’s reaction is clear she didn’t know that yet (right? i could be forgetting lol) & basically there’s like 100 other things they need to think about right then. which to be fair is totally true. but i had hoped to see a little more between sansa & dany.  what i loved though was jon didn’t look at dany when bran mentioned the night king having her dragon, he looked at sansa. 

now i wanna talk about arya and jon’s reunion because

well... i have feelings.

while the initial reunion was really sweet & had me crying, it ended real quick

this scene is where i really noticed jon was “off” 

jon stoops down and puts a hand on her shoulder (which arya looks down at) as he talks to her. where were you before? i could have used your help with sansa. she doesnt like your queen, does she?

then we get this next line from jon.  

first things first, it’s almost like jon doesnt realize she’s grown up. he’s got his hand on her shoulder, down at her level like you would with a kid. i mean, he probably cant help it, can he? she’s always going to be his kid sister, after all. thats how he knows her and remembers her. not to mention he’s been pretending to be someone else around dany for a long time now, he’s trying to shake himself back into the person his family knows him as 

arya looks at his hand before she says she’s the smartest person i know. you’re defending her now? you?

like he cant really believe that these two sisters that only used to bicker and fight are getting along to the point that arya is defending her to him. this is where i get upset with jon because he’s been gone for how long now? has he even bothered to talk to sansa about all that happened at winterfell? has he even asked her anything about what’s been going on while he was gone? clearly not, or he would know how close arya and sansa have become in his absence. that they’d taken out littlefinger together, even! 

i’m defending my family. so is she. i’m her family too. 

that alone points me into the direction of political jon. he’s avoiding sansa because he’s less likely to control himself in front of her. he might spill the beans about what he’s up to and its not time yet. he cant let that happen, not until the right time. while we all know he’d be better off telling her and the other starklings, so they could fight as a united pack... jon hasn’t come to that conclusion yet. lets hope he gets there next episode, though. 

he sounds so sad, so dejected when he delivers his line. like, sansa should be defending him, smiling, just in general happy to see him back. he’s brought a massive army and dragons! he did what he thought was best for the north and he cant quite grasp why sansa would be upset with him. one of jon’s weaknesses is sansa and how he thinks she feels about him. he craves her approval and he knows she’s angry with him at this point. and man does that bother him. he thinks she should have ultimate faith in him, even though he doesnt really deserve that, does he? anyways, thats a conversation for later in the post.

ps i love that he looks around before saying im her family too. almost as if he’s afraid of being overheard. 

dont you ever forget that.

yeah i had to pause the show at this point just to compose myself. this second hug was just as sweet as the first and im glad it was there. it finished the scene out nicely. 

i love how we got this moment of them being addressed at the same time, in frame like this. i live for moments like this, with them side by side. 

we get a lot of talk back and forth about why jon bent the knee and of course we get lyanna mormont calling his dumb ass out. 

i was waiting for this scene too & it didnt disappoint me. 

also i find his choice of words interesting 

sansa looks back at him and she’s literally the embodiment of the shrug emoji. like bitch i told u so. she has zero sympathy for him and the mess he’s in with the northern lords because she fucking told him it would happen. 

tyrion gets up and tries to do some mega damage control because lets be real, this situation is getting nasty. he talks about dany’s amazing army and the dragons as if this will lighten the mood. he also mentions about the lannister army coming (lol) like this is what will get everyone on their side. 

sansa interrupts and god do i love her more than i ever did

finally someone asking the REAL questions. 

sansa has worried about feeding the entire north the whole time jon has been gone. she’s built up as much as she could to ensure her people didn’t starve to death come winter. now jon shows up with this queen and her massive army with not even a wagon load of grain. when it cuts to dany a moment later, you can see she’s visibly shaken by sansa’s comment. hmm, wonder why? it couldn’t be because she’d just burned TONS of food that could have been used to feed her army and the rest of the north out of spite, right? nah, couldn’t be. 

sansa spits out these words and just look at her face- she’s doing her best to control herself here but her mouth is a snarl and her eyes are narrowed. she’s got every right to be angry over this- her people will probably starve because this so called queen hasn’t provided anything for her own army and now sansa will have to figure it out herself. if she’s this angry already, imagine how she’s going to feel when she learns dany burned all that food when she burned the lannister army. 

what makes me angry here is dany’s response. whatever they want. she’s so fucking childish i cant stand it. like she’s so bent out of shape that sansa’s calling her out basically, she’s going to resort to these sort of comments. like, you keep calling yourself a queen, fucking act like it dany. not a jealous, spoiled little girl. id respect her a whole lot more if she’d stood up for herself and her dragons here but that was never going to happen. its out of her character, especially at this point in her story. her dragons really could never do any wrong, in her eyes. and at this point i wouldnt be surprised to hear her defend them burning houses, crops, or innocent people. 

this episode is not making me like dany anymore. i cant stand characters like her, good or bad ones. and we all know dany is trending bad these days. but sansa doesnt even respond which is fantastic- instead of listening to her, everyone is focused on what dany had just said. we stan the real queen. 

im pretty sure next we see the bit between tyrion and sansa.

i didnt dislike the scene, it was actually pretty good. i especially liked the last time we saw each other was at joffrey’s wedding. dismal affair. it had it’s moments.

we also got this

not only is this true, we also later hear dany threaten sansa. 

interesting. 

but other than that, i didnt take much away from it. sansa was cool to him, as i expected her to be to anyone on dany’s side. tyrion may have been kind to her once, but as far as she’s concerned... he’s basically her enemy now. plus the whole scene before couldn’t have helped. 

somehwere in this we get all that junk with jon and dany. 

i... hated it. all of it. 

but after seeing it im 100% certain political jon is coming. his stiff demeanor with dany hasn’t changed, thats for sure. but what sold me was when dany threatened sansa. 

i’m queen, she must respect me or...

we all know  how jon “dont touch my sister or else” snow acts when someone mentions sansa around him in a way he doesnt like. the fact that jon barely even REACTS is clear in its message: he cant behave like he normally would. not with dany. he cant even go against her because he know how easy it is for her to become swayed. he cant lose control of the situation, not yet. i think he knows things are spiraling out of control more quickly than he anticipated. 

political jon must be a thing because there’s no reason for him to then roam across the north on a fucking dragon. the whole jonerys scene was as lackluster as they all have been and the kiss with drogon watching was very... weird. it felt ominous almost. there was no romance behind it, even if dany wanted there to be. 

but i think its very clear that dany feels threatened by sansa. she needs to be loved by everyone and sansa makes it clear she cares little if at all for her. queen or not, sansa doesnt respect her, nor like her, and she isnt afraid to make it known. i worry how dany is going to behave the deeper into this love triangle we get (because they sure arent being subtle about it). 

also, something i find interesting is the fact that dany would allow jon to ride her dragons at all. now that he has rode rhaegal he’s created a bond with the dragon, essentially taking him from dany’s control. she’s more or less lost 2 dragons now. and if you dont think jon would use this dragon against her to protect his family... then we must be watching two different shows.  

next comes jon’s scene with sansa (i think, at least its what im gonna talk about next lol). finally we get a glimpse of them alone! and god it doesnt disappoint me at all. i mean, id have loved to have more of it of course- yelling and even some tears, but we got something simple and hyper charged with both of their emotions. as always, the jonsa scenes get it done with as little as possible. 

we get a lot of angry stares and heavy sighs. its the same damn energy as the tent scene before the battle of the bastards. i love it. i fucking live for it. there’s so many things left unsaid between them and it makes me want their next scene that much more. literally, this scene was less than 2min long and i got so much from it. 

the scene opens and sansa is in her chamber, reading. the knock on the door sounds and she calls them in and she sighs when she sees it’s jon. the first thing i noticed was jon back in his old direwolf armor- he changed clothes before coming to her rooms- and then sansa paraphrases what the letter she’s holding says. jon parrots back lord glover’s words to them back when they met and thats when sansa gets up, very clearly angry, and says i will stand behind jon snow, the king in the north. she whips around to look at him and walks across the room like she wants to do something else entirely. i told you we needed allies. you didnt tell me you were going to abandon your crown.

this is where jon explodes, much how he explodes back in the tent scene with her. i never wanted a crown! i wanted to protect the north! he tells her, then goes on to say he brought with him an army and 2 dragons. this is where i wish we would have had more- sansa yelling at him about did he even think of how they would feed them all, specifically. but we get a lot of ~emotion~ and im living for every second. 

(gifs by @desired-paradise)

as soon as jon finishes ranting, he heaves a huge sigh (first gif). then he closes his eyes, thinking for a moment, before breaking down an asking her if she has faith in him. look at her face- she’s so hurt. they’re both hurting, honestly. what i love about jonsa scenes is how soft and vulnerable they both are during them. they let down their walls and open their hearts to the other. 

i think that’s why jon is so hurt by how sansa has been treating him since his return. he thinks he deserves her ultimate trust not realizing how he really doesnt deserve it. not,yet. you know i do. despite it all, she does have faith in him. but that doesnt mean she isnt angry or upset with him. and it doesnt change how she feels about dany. trust is not something that comes easy to sansa, not anymore. how can she be expected to trust a complete stranger when even those who were supposed to care about her turned on her? when for so long everyone around her was nothing beyond abusive and harmful. this girl trusts no one but her family and jon should get that better than anyone. 

but he thinks because its him, he gets a pass from her. that because of all they’ve been through together sansa should automatically know where his heart is and the truth of him. but how can she? he’s been gone all this time, promising to find them allies, not a queen that they didn’t ask for or even want. he promised them allies that would help them, not doom them to starvation.

when sansa speaks, he takes a step forward, almost like he thought of reaching for her. but he thinks better of it and says something about how she’ll be a good queen, yada yada. 

 and then... sansa drops this bomb

we never get jon’s answer because thats it, the scene just fucking ends there. like alright guys, thats fine i didnt want the answer anyways. i know jonerys fans are insisting he doesn’t answer because we already know the answer to that. but its not that easy. 

the set up between jon and sansa can’t be for nothing. the back story from season 6 cant just  be a random addition. so many lines that will come back this season (ill protect you, i promise. you are to me. ect) and i cant wait for that. 

next i want to talk about when dany and jorah meet with sam. 

first off, i have to say its weird that jorah has never told dany his name? is that just me? anyways. the scene opens and it reminds me a lot of the feel from her first meeting with sansa. dany is smiling, jovial. this is the man that saved jorah from death and she wants to thank him personally. their conversation goes well- in fact, its kind of sweet how sam behaves. he’s honored to be standing before her, being addressed by her, because he doesnt know who daenerys targaryen is yet. but he’s about to find out.

similarly to how dany reacted when sansa didn’t return her compliment, she goes from soft and smiling to hard and somewhat aggressive.

we go from this: 

to this:

(image from @snowsjohn)

in record time. as soon as sam mentions his name, it registers with dany and she asks him if he meant randyll tarly. that’s when she immediately, without sympathy, tells him she executed his father. you can see sam get visibly upset but he’s doing his best to keep it together, saying at least i can go home now, which by the way... is fucking heartbreaking. now that his brother is in charge he could go back home and be with his family when this whole thing was over. oh nope, dany tells him she executed his brother too. 

how anyone can stand behind this queen, ill never understand. this scene was so sad for sam & so unfeeling for dany. she doesnt even have the sense to pretend to be remorseful for what she’s done to this man’s family. and when sam does leave, she looks upset- but not because of what she’d done to his family. because now she’s in trouble and she knows it. again, they’re making it incredibly easy to dislike dany and they’re doing it for a reason. 

dark dany is coming for us. it’s going to all be revealed in the next two episodes, without a doubt. 

last but not least, i want to talk about sam telling jon the truth of who his parents were. 

(gifs by @kitsn0w)

i loved this whole scene.

while i was really surprised they told jon so early (and that it was sam alone) i enjoyed the shock. i didn’t honestly anticipate the reveal until at least episode 2, if not the third at the latest. but, it added something to the first episode- a similar shock value the first episode of the first season left us with. 

what i take from this scene is a few things, mostly how upset jon seems just to realize that this means ned lied to him his whole life. who gives a fuck about the truth, why didn’t ned just tell him all along? but when sam says the line about robert killing him, he seems to calm down a little. 

what else is interesting is jon’s lack of defending dany here. if he loved her as we’re supposed to believe, wouldnt he have said something beyond this is treason. id expect a “what will i say to her?” or “i cant take this from her, its all shes ever wanted’ or even “its hers, not mine.” anything else! but we got nothing in terms of jon defending dany’s right to the crown. 

and when sam asks him if dany would give up her crown for his people as jon had done, we don’t get jon’s answer. similarly to his scene being cut off with sansa, its done here as well, and we’re only left wondering what he would say. why wouldn’t they let him say? if he loves dany so much, wouldn’t he jump at this chance to defend her? especially to sam, who’s going to have a hell of time going forward now that he learned what dany did to his family. more so, it’s not yet been revealed that she burned them alive. what will they say then? when they realize that? 

i guess we’ll find out next episode, especially now that jaime is in winterfell. im really excited to see what episode 2 brings & im hoping for more dark dany & more private moments among the starks. 

overall, i really did enjoy the episode. i think there were things that could have been done better or differently,  but i think the episode set us up for a lot of good things to come!

in conclusion:

- jonsa is endgame & jonerys is doomed. sorry guys. 

- political jon theory is confirmed (in my mind at least)

- sansa is still the queen of sass.

- arya & gendry flirting is adorable (im sorry i know i didnt talk about them)

- WHERE. IS. GHOST?

thanks for reading!

[pigstepmp3-moved]

do you have any buck/chimney and maddie headcanons???

its very easy to assume that buck and maddie hate each other because theyre Constantly insulting each other and just generally being mean to each other, but they would straight up kill for each other ok

maddie, after buck does any annoying thing ever: god i wish you were deadbuck: i wish i was dead too, you aint specialliterally anyone: yeah buck i wish you were dead toomaddie: i will end you right here and right now. dont you DARE talk to my little brother that way

buck is such a hardcore third wheel for chim and maddie that, on multiple occasions, ppl have assumed that hes their son

sb: you two are so cute, having a nice outing with your son!buck, as soon as they walk away: i cant tell if i should be flattered that they think im young enough to be your son or insulted on your behalf because they think youre old enough to be your parentschim: i think you should take it as a sign that you need to stop third wheeling

maddie calls buck “little brother” ALL the time. she likes just gently reminding him that she Sees him, that hes valid as shit, and that shes super proud of him for coming out and transitioning

chimney asked buck about it one time cause like. i dont think any older sister in the history of ever has ever sincerely called her little brother “little brother”. and buck just Panicked and was like “i dont know what youre talking about” before running away

honestly. chim found out that bucks trans Completely on accident. bucks stupid and lazy and doesnt feel like taking his injections in the bathroom when hes at maddies place, and he had NO idea that chim had spent the night. so chim just walks into the living room and sees buck sitting on the couch, jamming a needle into his leg. chims just like “um. are you. is that drugs. are you doing drugs right now.” buck, praying that god will kill him, very awkwardly says “being a drug addict would be a far easier and less uncomfortable explanation. but no. its testosterone”

chims super cool and understanding abt it tho. partially bc he Knows that if he had any sort of problem w it, maddie would kick his ass and probably never want to talk to him again

there have been several occasions where buck has walked Into maddies apartment, seen chim and maddie making out on the couch, and then immediately walked back out

there have Also been several occasions where maddie has kicked buck out bc “chims coming over.” she always says that theyre just gonna watch movies and cuddle or w/e, but buck knows that look thats in maddies eyes. its a look of Thirst

when chim asks buck to help him pick out an engagement ring for maddie, buck absolutely does NOT cry, what are you even talking about, his eyelashes are just sweating

*taps mic* um yeah maddie ends up being the surrogate for eddie and buck one day, sorry but i dont make the rules

bucks always wanted kids but there was no way in hell he was gonna postpone his bottom surgery until After hes settled down w someone and had at least One kid, so he froze some of his eggs in the hopes that like. Some Day. and Some Day, maddie just straight up says, out of fucking nowhere, “hey, yknow, i could be the surrogate for you guys. me and chim are waiting a while til we have kids of our own so :shrug:” buck and eddie totally dont cry about it theyre just [insert lame excuse here]

honestly seeing maddie all pregnant n shit makes chim think like. oh. i wanna have kids with this woman. like. right now

anyway maddie just loves both of her boys w like! all of her dumb soft heart! ten out of ten, she Would die and kill for both of them

[alitoowell]

One year—365 days—and still I cannot find the words to do justice to the magnitude of gratitude that I feel, and will forever feel, for the magic that was October 22, 2017.  It’s funny because meeting Taylor was always in my mind as a possibility.  In that people DO meet her, so it’s possible.  But I always viewed it as possible, yet unachievable.  People would meet her, but they wouldn’t be ME.  Simply because the odds were too great of being noticed or picked from a crowd.  So I never planned out how it would go, or where, or what I would say, which left me even more absolutely floored when it happened.  Even a year later my brain cannot quite wrap around the fact that the woman who I’ve looked up to since I was 15, who’s music has been the soundtrack to my life for an entire decade, had me over at her house?  I got to hug her?  Dance with her?  And listen to her entire unreleased album and the stories behind it?  That seems unbelievable.  And it will always seem unbelievable because people. don’t. do. that.  But Taylor does.  My friends have been encouraging me for a whole year straight to type everything out, and I never quite got there.  The task seemed too great, I didn’t know where to start, or what words to choose to capture those memories adequately.  In one of those moments of frustration I realized I actually already had written nearly everything—in the no less than 63 messages I sent to my best friend Shaina less than 24 hours later on October 23, 2017.  Though it’s jumbled and not perfect in any way and contains the misspellings and keyboard smashes and all, here’s my Taylor story, a year later, as told the day after it happened—in message form.

~

I MET TAYLOR SWIFT SHDJEKJDKROF

I CANNOT BELIEVE MY LIFE

I HAVEN’T CRIED YET BUT ITS 4 AM AND I THINK ITS FINALLY HITTINGME

photo of wristband

SHE FUCKING DANCED WITH ME DURING LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO LIKE GRABBED MY HAND AND JAMMED WITH ME AS I WAS SHOUTING THE LYRICS GOODBYEEEEEEE

photo of merch

GOODBYEEEEEEEEE

Shaina: You’re lying

IM NOY IM NOT OH MY FOD OH MY FREAKINF GOD

PARKER THOUGHT I WAS DRUNK OF SOMETHING CUZ I WAS SHOUTING VIA TEXT ASKING IF HE WAS UP HOLT SHIT

Shaina: Ok. Spill. I’m shook.

Okay okay so I’m literally about ready to pass out I haven’t slept well since finding out last week and legit got two hours of afterwards last night, well this morning ahhh

And about to board my flight but I’ll try to type quick

So basically her team DMed me last Tuesday saying they’ve noticed what an amazing fan I am and asked for my information

And people have been making fake TN accounts and sending fake messages to be awful, and I thought it was fake because I never expected to ever be contacted

So I’m like in the gym parking lot thank god I didn’t see it while I was still at work

And I realize it has a blue verified check and that it’s legitimate and the last questions was have you ever met Taylor and I LOSE MY SHIT IM IN HYSTERICS IN THE CAR AND CALL MY MOM AND SHE THINKS I GOT IN AN ACCIDENT

So basically I’m a freaking ass mess because I’m 99% it’s for a secret session since at that point one had happened and we all assumed that there would be more cities, and I was almost positive they would NOT send that message to someone and not follow through and call and tell them SOMETHING

So I can’t sleep I leave my phone on cuz I don’t want to miss a call

It of course doesn’t come til the next day while I’m AT WORK

And they freaking ass knew my twitter and tumblr and asked for all my socials and I now know the people I talked to weren’t asked that so that’s weirddddd

Anyway so sure as hell it’s a ‘very special event’ and it’s all too secret and I can’t tell anyone except a parent for safety

And once I confirm I can get myself to LA she gives some instructions and said final details will be emailed  

And so that was Wednesday and I’m crying at work and their dinner was late lol

And I called my mom and was like this weekend Sunday book flights nowwwww

And then the quick version is for the next two days I was practically puking every day so nervous and the email wasn’t coming and I was like shitttttt

So finally on Friday I straight up call Taylor Nation back and get straight through and say my name and she’s like what’s up?! And she says they’re coming out later that day

And so I flew down Saturday and I rented my very first car and took my first legit solo trip in the name of Taylor freaking swift honestly I’m not surprised

And bless Briana’s fam’s heart they were out of town but let me stay in their guest apartment while they were away with no explanation so that was very nice and less stress for me

And then I had to sit from 3:30 Saturday until 5:15 Sunday in LA by myself unable to tell anyone and it was wilddddddd

Like I was like sweeeeeet I can get caught up in my journal!!!  Noooo I deadass sat there and felt like I was dying and about threw up hourly like how the freaking hell do you just casually chill when you know your damn outlandish never thought it would occur dream is about to happen and not only that but like on a times 100 scale?!?!

So basically I went to her damn house and we hung out by the pool and ate food and the weirdest part is I’ve been unable to eat and have been panicking all week but the second I got to the first check point and to her house even more I was just like chillllll like ayeeeee this is gonna be fun omg I’m so hungry and let’s eat all this food

And so basically it’s a listening session for the new album and we obviously can’t say anything about it or what she said about it besides like probs that it’s AWESOME OUTSTANDING IS GONNA SLAY THE WORLD AND SHES SO LROUD OF IT AND MY BABY DID THAT AND IM REAL PROUD

Okay okay but she like explained each song in-depth and was the cutest cupcake singing along fully jamming to everything and like looking at everyone the entire time and locking eyes as she’s singing ya feel

My flight is about to leave but I will continue later!!!!!

Shaina: This is insane I can’t believe it I’m beyond stoked for you safe travels and talk soon

Okay we not leaving quite yet sooooo I’m missing parts. So we are told we’re gonna go inside and sit down and I book it fast to get a spot on the ground like only two people sitting in front of me and there’s a red plush chair not even 10 feet away that she’ll obviously be sitting in and we’re all like sjedjekkdir

And I was wondering who all I would know there right!?? And was bummed there’s one girl I talk to frequently who loves Shawn Mendes and we know each other cuz she saw my Shawn poster on twitter and she’s from LA but I hadn’t seen her

And then someone pokes me and is like ALIIIIIIII AND ITS HER AND WE FLIP AND SXREAM SO LOUD THE WHOLE ROOM THOUGHT IT WAS TAY AND WAS PISSSSSSED AND SHUSHING US AND SOMEONES LIKE THEY KNOW EACH OTHER!!!!! HAHAHAHA

Shaina: This just keeps getting better and better. How did you keep this a secret?!?!?!?

Shaina: How many people were there

AND SO ANYWAY WE ALL THOUGHT TAYLOR WAS GONNA COME IN FROM THE FRONT AND SIT RIGHT DOWN??? AND ON THE BUS SOMEONE WAS LIKE YOOOOO WHAT IF SINCE TONIGHT IT’S IN LA SHE BRINGS FRIENDS????? AND SO SHE OF COURSE INSTEAD COMES FROM THE BACL AND THE DAMN ROOM EXPLODES AND SHE LOOKS LIKE A DAMN GODWESS AND SHE’S LIKE HIIIIIIIII AND GRINNING AND ALSO COMES IN JACK ANTANOF (SPELLING IDK IM CURRENTLY OFFLINE SO I CANT CHECK), TWO OF THE HAIM GIRLS, AND RUBY ROSE AND THE ROOM IS LIKE SHATTERING

AND SO SINCE SHE IN THE BACK SHE STARTS MAKING HER WAY THROUGHHHHHH US AND IS GRABBING PEOPLE AND PEOPLE ARE STANDING UP AND HUGGING HER AND HOLY CRAP

Okay lololol shoot I just woke up and didn’t realize the rest of this story was notttt in constant caps like I’ve been using all day my bad my bad

And so she’s playing the songs in order off the album and I think it’s okay to say that her and jack are losing their minds because they’ve never gotten to experience our reaction to new stuff they’ve worked on when they’re together, and definitely not together and in person, so she kept being like this is so cool for us you have no idea and he’s in the back confirming lololol

And so anyway she gets to Look What You Made me Do and she’s like soooo how do we want to do this??? Do we want to keep sitting do we want to dance…??? And we’re all like DANCEEEEEE SHDHIEOKRKR and shes like okayyyy we’re dancing and Shaina this is deadass like straight out of a dream.  Actually wait no I couldn’t have imagined this, but she starts and I was anticipating part of this but not the whole thing…

So she obviously doesn’t just have us bopping along and staying and dancing on her own up front… she starts making her way into our basically tiny crowd and we’re so packed together that she’s grabbing people’s hands so she doesn’t fall as she goes. And she’s stopping and dancing with people and stops and stays dancing like staring at one guy and he’s going for it and not afraid and singing the lyrics dramatically right back to her….

And then she makes her way towards and wait for it

GRABS MY DAMN HAND AS SHE’S TRYING TO GET FARTHER INTO THE MIDDLE AND I’M LIKE OKAY OKAY JUST CHILL SHE JUST GRABBED MY HAND NO BIGGIE AND IM LIKE SHES GONNA KEEP WALKING LIKE THAT WAS MY MOMENT RIGBT?!?!

NOOOOOOOOOOO SHE STOPS THERE ONCE SHES BY ME AND IS DANCING WITH THE PEOPLE THAT ARE AROUND HER BUT HER BACK IS TO ME AT THIS POINT BUT IM STILL LIKE HOLY SHIT WHAT IS LIFE AND THEN SHE FREAKING ASS TURNS THE HELL AROUND AND IS DANCING! WITH! ME! LIKE! SHES! LOOKING! AT! ME! AND IM LIKE JAMMING OF COURSE AND SCREAMING THE LYRICS AND I LITERALLT DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN

And then Vanessa (my Shawn buddy) at this point has scooted up to me cuz everyone’s shifted and the people around me are like dude holy shit SHE DANCED WITH YOUUUUU

BYEEEEEEEEEEEE

Okay okay so after the whole album was played she gave us like the lowdown on the meet and greet portion and she passed out the target exclusive magazines for us to see while we waited and talked a bit about the making of them and why and things and she’s really pumped about them and they worked really hard to have them be affordable as possible and cut down the pages and things

And meanwhile like the whole night she’s so close that people would make comments and she’d hear and respond and it was so cute and amazing

Also I don’t think I’ve mentioned her outfit yet???  She’s been looking bomb at all of the other sessions and holy helllll she looked bomb like damnnnnnnnn she had on a black crop top and these high waisted and slightly folded down camouflage pants and these black boots and her hairrrrrrr this era is like natural curls and soooo damn cute

Okay okay so anyway we thought it was a greattttt idea to wait towards the end so we could stay longer and not go first and be done and sent home… yeah well it ended up being a not great idea because we ended up waiting two hours but I’m obviously not complaining one freaking bit

And she’s doing pictures in the other room so we can’t really see much for most of it but every so often we can see people talking to her and taking photos and it’s so cute it’d melt your hearttttttt

And so those of us that have bonded together at this point are like um shoooooot what pose and what the hell do I say to her??????? Like all week to my parents I was like ummmmm soooooo I’ve imagined this happening but like never thought it’d actually happen so unlike some people I had nottttt planned like a monologue of what I’d want her to know if I ever met her???? Like with Vance I was lost too but with my posters it was easier and I’ve seen him recently and yada yada but this is TAYLOR FREAKING SWIFT WHO IVE LOVED WITH MY WHOLE DAMN HEART SINCE I WAS FIFTEEN AND SHIT IM TEARING UP ON THE PLANE WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY TO HER WHAT DO YOU WANT HER TO KNOW YOU’VE GOT LIKE TWO MINUTES WITH HER GOOOOO

And so we were all really curious if she’d somehow recognize us because people have been saying that they walk in and she shouted their name! And I’m like idk if that’s gonna happen but might as well see if not just ask if she’s seen anything idk idk???

So okay buckle up for like the greatest time of my entire damn life

So I walk in and hug herrrrrrrrrrrrr

And I wish to god I can remember everything she said but I was focusing so hard on keeping it together and saying my bit that I know for sure what I said and can put together mostly something the general sentiment of what she said if not it exactly. So we’re huggingggg and I say I think hiiiii it’s so nice to finally meet you thank you for having me I’m so excited to be here or something and she’s like awww thank you for coming!! And I’m like I have to know how did we all get picked, was it by you or your team or how did it happen?? And I don’t know what the first part of her answer was but she says so the people from LA have been picked for about a year, and the people from elsewhere (I’m guessing with exceptions) have been picked more recently like within the past few months so like now I know it has nothingggg to do with whatever we’ve been doing online recently…. It’s from at least when she first came back if not before and they realized we were active while she was away….

And so I’m like okay ali say something else so I’m like so I really like making concert posters and the first ones I ever made were for you and shes like aw thank you!! And I’m like I realized other people were making posters and I’d been a RA and I was like hey I can make some really bomb posters tooooo. And so I’m like the fist ones said ‘Taylor someday we’ll meet you even if it’s just in our wildest dreams’ and she grabs me and is like AND NOW WE’RE MAKING IT HAPPEN!!! And so I say after I got the phone call I was in my car listening to Ready For It and started bawling when she sings ‘in my dreams, I know I’m gonna be with you’ cuz I knew it was actually happening and shes like awwwwwww or something you get the idea

And so then I straight up start talking about my dad???

I’m like so my dad loves you and she’s like omg and I’m like no he adoresss youuu and is so sad he couldn’t come and she’s like awww tell him hi!!! And I’m like he loves your Out of the Woods piano Grammy performance and I say how I’d found him listening to it repeatedly and he wanted it on his phone. And she’s like he sounds amazing! And I’m like he is he’s awesome lol and I’m like actually and so him and I went and saw you at F1 last year and of course I’m like and I made signs for there too and so I describe them IN DETAIL like what they said, I realized later I told her I was from Oregon, because I said they were the states and the dotted line and the paper airplane and I think she really liked that??? And as if that all isn’t already insane enough at some point in there I mentioned how this month has been insane and how I’d met Vance Joy and it was my birthday and now this and she said something excitedly about that like ahhh so much excitement or idk something about it. And so she’s like so what pose would you like to do? And I’m like I’ve really been going back and forth between just hugging or doing something sort of funny (low key said that hoping she’d be like girl let’s do both but lololol it’s okay) so she’s like it’s completely up to you!! And I’m like um um okay let’s just hug so she grabs me and we take the freaking photo and ahhhhhhhh

And so Vanessa and I had it planned out and she had me go first and at this point I was like would it be okay if my friend and I got a photo with you together and she’s like of course!! So V comes in and hugs her and we take one photo together and she squeezes us together tight and then I hug her one last time and thank her and say I love you so much (lol I had to throw it in other people forgot it and have been upset) and then I walk out and they hand me my merch bag and are directing me to the bus but I’m like can I wait for my friend and they’re like sure. So she comes out and she’s like SHE KNEW MY NAME SHSJEKOFN and she’s like yelling and I’m like shut up and I grab her and I’m like shhh shhhhh hahahaha and so we walk to the bus and it’s the funniest thing cuz they’re just waiting for it to be full so anytime someone new walks on everyone’s like SPILLLLLLLLL

And then once it was full we went back got our things, exchanged details with people on that bus and took photos and whatnot and turned our phones on to the madness anddddddd so well thats the story of the best damn day of my life

~

Taylor, thank you thank you thank for giving me such incredible memories that I’ve blown up the phones of every person I know, and have talked every person’s ears off that I’ve met during these past 365 days, about how special they are to me.  Thank you for making it happen, thank you for holding my gaze so intently and being so genuine every second I was talking to you, thank you for bringing me some of the best friends I’ve ever had, thank you for being so prominent in the highlights of not only this past year, but this past decade.  I love you forever, babe.  Long, long live October 22, 2017.

[imtryingreallyhardsohavepitty]

ARIANA GRANDE HAS NO WACK SONGS

It's two o'clock in the morning and I'm feeling some type away so why the fuck not make a post about THE ITALIAN MAFIA PRINCESS HERSELF. (LONG ASF)

I'll make my statement first.

MS. Grande does not have 1 song that I (personally) even thought of it other than a bop. There's very few people to do that for me and I just wanna share my love for my queen real quick.

1. Yours Truly (A GREAAAT DEBUT ALBUM) (GREAT ALBUM IN GENERAL)

1. Honeymoon Avenue: it's been about 5 years and if she released this tomorrow as a single I would 1000% be here for it. Shit slaps. And she was talking that shit

2. Baby I: Very UNDERATED. A BOP (I'll say that a lot). Reminds me of the summer of 2013. Which a lot of good music was released.

3. Right here: THIS ALBUM REALLY HAD BANGERS SKSJSK. A greeeeaaatt song and Big Sean did cute but it was mostly about Ms. Grande and the video was cute as hell. Another forgot about bop

4. Tattooed heart: *sighs* AN EMOTIONAL BOP. I felt like some biker got my name tattooed on his chest. Amazing amazing amazing.

5. Loving it: TOP 5 MOST UNDERATED ANIMES OF ALL TIME. This was and is STIILL my shit. A BOP I CANT EXPLAIN IT ANYMORE GO FUCKING LISTEN.

6. Piano: one of the weaker songs on the album but when this album came out it was favorite ( and that proves my point) It really is a great song but just because of all the other songs and albums she's released, the song doesn't stand with the other bops. She slaps in Claires tho

7. Daydreamin: Vocals were so soft in this and its great. It's makes me feel like the finest man alive ( Michael B Jordan) is walking in front of me in slow motion.

8. The Way: WHAT STARTED THIS SHIT. the way isn't the first time I've heard her or anything. I just didn't know sis was out here making grown woman bops while still serving the kids on Nickelodeon. ICONIC

9. You'll never know: a hood bop honestly. She was talking THAT shit. A nice little dougie is efficient for this song.

10. Almost is never enough: VOCALLSSS. Sis was going off. I just realized sis had not 1 but 3 of her niggas on her DEBUT ALBUM.

I. C. O. N. I. C.

11. Popular Song: this shows how she can make Some r&b BANGERS for the hood. And then make some bops for the kiddies. CAN UR FAVE BE PLAYED AT CLAIRES, HOTTOPIC, AND H&M (at the same time) I THINK THE FUCK NOT

12. Better left unsaid: very CUTE BOP. SHIT SLAPS. She's giving y'all a fist pump bop. While I serve my tens. DIVERSE QUEEN.

In closing: Yours truly: Her second best album. 9/10 100% recommend of you haven't already listened. You could really listen to the full without skipping a song. And that's VERY RARE. ON HER DEBUT. And this was a cute era. Now that that's it's time.....

2. My Everything: H E R B E S T A L B U M. EVERY SONG FUCKING SLAPS PLEASE BELIEVE ME I CANT STRESS TO YOU HAVE GOOD THIS ALBUM IS. IM TYPING THIS SWEATING WHILE IM LISTENING TO IT. ITS SO GOOD

1. Intro: OH MAH GOD. Emotional anthem. JUST HER SINGING YOU TO SLEEP FOR A MINUTE. ITS AMAZIG

2. Problem: A. B O P. EVEN IGGY COULDN'T RUIN IT. And that's the that on that.

3. ONE LAST TIME: YALL ARE GONNA KILL ME BUT... A BOPPPP THIS IS ONE OF HER BEST SONGS I RUN THIS BACK AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK.

4. Why try: LITERALLY LOVE AND WAR BY TAMAR BRAXTON BUT FOR 13 year old white girls. AND IT SLAPS.

5. Break Free: A VOGUE BOP. I REALLY BE SERVING MY TENS. Before Into you, Break free had me giving hands.

6. Best mistake: Ms. Grande has this power to make any person she's with look like they're meant to be and that's amazing. Anyways a hood bop. I used to think Big Sean should've had a shorter verse but now that I've heard it more the pledge of allegiance, I realized it was perfect. Them performing it live is a viiibbee.

7. Be my Baby: Y'all I've talked in caps for almost 70% of this post and said BOP 90%. BUT THIS SONG RIGHT HERE IS HER TOP 5 BEST AND MOST UNDERATED FUCKING BOPS WOW. THIS IS MYYU SHIT. IM DEADASS SERIOUS WHEN I SAY THAT THERE'S NOT A DAY THAT GOES BY THAT I DONT LISTEN TO THIS SONG. ONE OF MY BIGGEST REGRETS IN LIFE IS NOT GOING TO THE HONEYMOON TOUR AND HEARING THIS LIVE.

8. Break your heart right back: IM CRYING TYPING THIS. THE REST OF THE ALBUL IM GONNA BE IN CAPS BECAUSE THE REST OF THE ALBUM FUUCKKINGBOPS. THIS SONG IS CRUNK ASF AND REALLY GETS ME TO THROW IT ALLL THE WAY BACK. AND DONALD'S VERSE WAS GREAT BUT THIS SONG SLAPS IN THE CAR ONYOUR WAY TO CLAIRES AKSBSKAHSHSB

9. Love me harder: A COLLAB I WAS WAITING FOR AND IT WAS EXECUTED PERFECTLY. I KNOW YOUVE HEARD IT

10. Just a little bit of your heart: AN EMOTIONAL SONG WRITTEN BY THE ONLY WHITE MAN WHO CAN NUT IN ME (HARRY STYLES.). AND IT REALLY GET YOU IN YOUR BAG AND THATS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

11. Hands on me: HER MOST UNDERATED BOP. I CANT EVEN SPEAK ON THIS WITHOUT SWEATING. SHIT SLAPPP ON ANY HOLY DAY A FUCKING HOOD ANTHEM HOLY SHIT

SHE WAS TALKING THAT SHIT

12. My Everything: HE WAS MY EEEEVVVVEERRRYYTGHHING TIL HE WAS NOTHING BITCH. TITLE TRACK AND SHIT IS EMOTIONAL. IM IN MY BAG.

13. Bang Bang: A COLLAB IVE WANTED SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL AND I GOT IT. SO IM GEEKED AND SHE STILL BOPS

14. Only 1: VOCALLLLLLSS SIS. MY HOOD SHIT, ALSO. WHY DOES SHE DO THIS? ALL DELUXE SONGS BOP

15. You don't know me: SHE WAS RAPPING IDK. SHE WAS TELLING YALL TO GET OFF HER ASS. WHAT SHE DOES NOT CONCERN YOU POOR CHILDREN. SAID ALL THAT WHILE STAYING ON BEAT BYEE

In closing: H. E. R. BEST. There's NOT ONE SAY THAT GOES BY THAT I DONT LISTEN TO AT LEAST 1 SONG OFF THIS ALBUM. ONE OF THE BEST ALBUMS OF THE YEAR ( I'm pretty sure Beyoncé dropped something that year so I can't say the best lol)

If y'all want me to do DW and her BOOPPS OF CHRISTMAS EPS, LMK but it's 3:30 am and I'm on my phone typing this so I'm gone.

[foreverfangirl2011]

Demons From the Past- Prologue + Chapter 1

Hey Lovelies, 

So here is the prologue and first chapter of the Grayson Story I recently posted about. You’ll notice I changes the name a bit, I just think this flows better. This is just the beginning, theres still a hell of a lot more to come. But I hope you like it. 

Love,

- M

Demons From the Past A Grayson Bailey Dolan Story

Prologue

We all go trough hardships in our lives, bad things happen, its just a part of life. Life wouldn’t be life without these things. But its how we choose to deal with them that define us, not the crap itself. Thats where this story starts. I was just your average teenage girl, going through high school, trying to graduate, boy crazy, my head perpetually in the clouds. Like all girls my age I dreamed of being in love; even though I had no idea what real love was. I met him in freshman year of high school, and were together until graduation. His name, Harrison Waverly. The Waverly’s were a high power family, Edward Waverly, Harrison’s father, was a congressman. And his mother; Vivian Waverly; single handedly ran an international fashion empire. Even his little sister Naidene was a violin protege. Obviously Harrison was under a lot of pressure, his parents wanted him to take political science and follow in his fathers footsteps, but his true passion was sculpting, he was always happiest in his studio. His father , however, would never stand for that, “No son of mine is going to be a nobody playing with mud!” He would say. It didn’t help Harrison’s case that he was so gifted in political science, he couldn’t help it, it was in his blood. I loved him so much though, I always encouraged him to follow his heart. But the pressure from his parents was too great to bear, and he feared if he went against their wishes they would take it out on poor Naidene and make her give up her music (which Harrison knew she loved). So with a heavy heart he closed his studio doors and went to Princeton to study law. Unfortunately I couldn’t afford Princeton, instead, I got a scholarship and went to Northwestern for creative writing (fortunately my parents supported my writing dreams). We broke up after graduation, in our hearts we knew we couldn’t make the long distance thing work. We knew we’d just get to busy and drift apart. Anyway, even though Harrison’s parents loved me, they wanted him fully focused on school so that he was ready to step in when Edward retired. A year later, mid softmore year, fate smiled  upon us (or so I thought). We were both home for Christmas and as soon as we laid eyes on each other we just knew. Neither of us had moved on, he kissed me under the mistletoe and we got back together. Surprisingly we mad it work until graduation, the long distance I mean. After our first year back together he gave me a promise ring, it was a silver infinity ring with diamonds down the middle. It was beautiful, he said it was his promise never to leave me again and by wearing it I was making the promise to stay with him always. I loved it and him so much, I never took the thing off. Our bliss was sadly short lived, I could tell it was all getting to Harrison. He was always stressed out and soon became distant. We had arranged that every 2 weeks one of us would visit the other. But he soon started skipping his weekends. I tried to understand, I mean he was in law after all he must’ve just been busy. Anyhow, after we both graduated we would have loads of time for each other I reasoned. I wasn’t alone through it all though, I had made a great friend, who was also from Jersey, coincidentally. We just never crossed paths back home because we lived on opposite sides of town and attended different schools. He was also in the creative writing program. We met the first day freshman year and were best friends for the four years we spent at school together. His name: Grayson Bailey Dolan (I liked to call him Bailey to annoy him as he kind of hated his middle name ;)). He had a twin brother named Ethan who was our third musketeer. It was always the three of us. That is until Ethan started seeing Alicia, his now girlfriend. Then it was just me and Bailey most of the time. But we didn’t mind. We always had a ball together. He was always there for me, after Harrison and I had a big fight, or if Harrison couldn’t make it out for the weekend and I was down. He was sweet and sensitive and always lent me a shoulder to cry on. If it wasn’t for him I don’t know what would’ve happened to me. Anyway, back to Harrison. After I finished my final exams I decided to fly home early to surprise him. His graduation was first and my exams finished a few days before it. The original plan was he was going to send the jet to pick me up the night before the ceremony. But it had been almost a month since we’s seen each other (exams and all) and I wanted to spend a few extra days with him so I hopped a last minute flight back to Jersey. Grayson dropped me at the airport that day. I remember because we sort of fought about it. He was worried because he knew things had been rocky between me and Harrison. You see Harrison was normally a pretty chill guy. But when he got stressed he drank and when he drank… lets just say you wanna stay out of his way. It was like sober Harrison was Mr. Hyde and drunk Harrison was Dr. Jekyll. On more than one occasion he hurt me; the first time it happened he pushed me down and kicked me a few times in the stomach, leaving behind a few bruises on my torso. Another time he twisted me arm so bad he fractured my wrist. I know what your thinking, why the hell didn't I leave him right? The truth is I don’t really know… I know I should’ve… I know Bailey wanted me to, he was furious when he saw me hurt… but I was just so in love with him… and every time I looked down at my hand and saw the ring I couldn’t bring myself to leave him… my heart was telling me that he needed me, and I couldn’t just abandon him. Little did I know he was the one that was abandoning me… Grayson begged me not to go back and just to end things: “Y/N please, he just going to hurt you again. He needs more help than you can give him, cant you see that?” “Grayson I’m not having this argument again, I hate fighting with you and I don’t want another episode like last night.” I say remembering the ugly fight we had the night before. “But-“ “But nothing, I love him… and I promised I would stay and I cant go back on that promise…” I reply glancing at the ring. “The second he raised a hand to you he lost the right to have you. No man has the right to defile a woman like that, especially a woman as incredible as you…” he says moving a stray hair from my face. “Listen Bailey, I love that you care about me like this and worry about me, but I’ll be fine ok. Besides, he’ll be more calm now that finals are over.” I say taking his hands in mine. “Ok… just promise me one thing…” he says running his fingers over my still bandaged right wrist and the fresh bruises on the left one. “What?” “If he lays a hand on you again you leave for good ok? Don’t let him hurt you again.” He says now hugging me. “Ok, I promise. I’ll take care of myself.” I reply hugging him back. The hug lingers a little longer than it should, but I like it… I like the warmth that comes with his embrace and the smell of his crisp cologne. “Last call for flight 810 to New Jersey” a female voice calls over the intercom. “Ok thats me.” I say finally letting go of him. He kisses my forehead softly and watches me walk off. “Have a safe flight, see you for graduation!” I hear him call before entering the gate. “See you soon Bailey!” I call back, catching one last glimpse of him rolling his eyes before handing the lady my ticket and walking through the gate.

A couple hours later; after watching half of the in flight movie, reading a little and of course face timing Gray; I was in a cab on the way to the Waverly Estate; where Harrison was now living in the guest house (he just needed the space and we needed the privacy; but his parents still wanted him close enough to keep an eye on him). I was giddy, I had never been so excited to see him. We pulled up and the cab driver got out, opened the door for me and got my bags. I paid him before walking around back to the guest house. I noticed a car I wasn’t familiar with in the driveway, but didn’t think much of it. Edward was always having colleges over for meetings so it wasn’t unusual to see the odd car parked in the driveway now and again. When I reached the door to the guest house however, I started to worry. I heard sounds… coming from inside. When I heard a female laugh I thought it must be Naidene, she was in 12th grade now and Harrison sometimes let her and her boyfriend Julian use the guest house so they wouldn’t be caught by Edward or Vivian. I slowly opened the door and tiptoed in. The noises continued and started to get louder. “Dene… is that you?” I whispered knocking on the bedroom door, its not closed all the way and it swings open. I gasp, my hands flying to cover my mouth. Its Harrison with some bleach blonde girl I’ve never see before. “Y/N! What are you doing here? Your not supposed to be back til tomorrow!” Harrison screams pulling the sheets up to cover himself and the girl. “Harrison who is this?” The girl asks “Shut up Kelly!” He screams back. “Harrison how could you? After everything we’ve been through! I stayed I kept my promise! I cant- I just can’t…” I stammer, tears streaming down my cheeks now. I pull the ring he gave me off my finger and leave it on the dresser, turning to leave. “Wait- I can explain!” I take a deep breath and without turning around respond: “I don’t want to hear it, its over. We’re done Harrison.” I pull my sleeve up to expose my bruises, not just to remind Harrison of what he’s done, but to silently warn Kelly what she’s in for. Then I leave. I get a cab back to the airport and call Bailey on the way. I tell him the whole ugly story and without seeing him I can tell he’s probably clenching his fists. I tell him to calm down and not to break any walls. All I need is a little ice cream and a little Adele and I’ll be fine. We pull up to the airport and I’m still on the phone with him. I pay the driver, take my bags and walk inside to try to get a ticket back to Illinois. “Do I need to say I told you so Y/N? You knew this was coming, the way he was distant, I mean how often were you guys actually speaking in the last couple weeks?” “Grayson please I don’t need this right now ok! I know he was a douche, I know he was treating me like trash, but I loved him. And  I thought he loved me. We were together for almost eight years! That means something to me! I mean do you have any idea how painful it is to see the one you love in somebody else arms?” I say breaking down into tears. “I’m sorry.” He replies. I look up and see him standing in front of me, phone to his ear. He locks eyes with me and we both hang up as I run into his arms. He wraps his strong arms around me and sob into his chest. “Shh… its gonna be ok.” He whispers, holding me tight and rubbing my back. Little did I know he knew exactly how I felt when I saw Harrison and Kelly… the same way he felt when he saw me and Harrison… He held me like this for a few moments and then we got our tickets. The flight back was quiet, accept of course for my crying. I kept my head on his shoulder and eventually passed out. As I drifted off to sleep I pondered about this being the last time I saw Harrison… boy was I wrong.

Chapter 1: The First Week We spent the week we had off before our graduation together, mostly in the little apartment I had been living in. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life, but it had a happy ending. Ethan and Alicia spent most of their time at the twins place. The day before the ceremony however, E came over with Alicia and the four of us spent the day together. “Hey you… how you feeling?” Ethan said coming into the living room and seeing me under blankets on the sofa surrounded by tissues and junk food. “A little better I guess…” I say standing to hug him. His hug is sweet, but its not the same as Bailey’s, I couldn’t place why at the time, it just felt different. “Hey Y/N, why don’t you hop in the shower while I clean up here a bit, and then we can watch some movies or something?” Bailey says tapping my shoulder gently. “Are you trying to tell me something Bailey?” I say, letting go of Ethan and turning to face Gray, hand on my hip. “No no, of course not. I just meant-“ “I’m just kidding, I get you. I’ll feel much better after a shower. I’ll be back in a few.” I reply going off to the bathroom.

Bailey’s POV

“Baby, I’m gonna go pick up some ice cream and pizza, break up essentials. I’ll be back soon, let her know when she comes back ok?” Alicia says kissing Ethan and then gesturing to me knowingly as she leaves. Ethan gives her an “I know” look and walks her out before coming back to help me clean. “So, what was that look about?” I ask “What look?” “C’mon E, I’m not an idiot.” “Actually you kinda are.” He says patting my on the shoulder and going to the kitchen to throw away some garbage. “What do you mean?” I reply following him “Dude, you realize if you had told her the way you felt weeks ago she may not be in the mess she is now?” “Yeah, like its really that simple. Its not like if I told her I was in love with her she’d just dump the douche and come running to me. She was with him for almost eight years, you cant just undo that with three words!” “Yeah, but you’ve been involve with her since freshman year! Thats almost half the time she’s been with him! You knew he was pushing her around, she wasn’t safe with him and somewhere deep down I have to believe she knew it. She’s too smart not to have. All she needed was a little push to see it. You could have given her that push.” “Don’t you think I’ve been trying! I’ve been begging her for weeks to dump the ass wipe! She was so in love with him, nothing could change that. She doesn’t feel that way about me, I just have to accept that.” “No you don’t bro. I know you better than I know myself, you’ve never felt this way about any girl before and you probably never will again. That means something. Listen, I see the way she looks at you sometimes, the way your always there for her whenever, wherever. I really believe she notices that too. She loves you, I know it, she just doesn’t know it. She’s hurting right now, she has been for a while. But you can help heal that hurt. And when the pain fades and you tell her how you feel, I guarantee she’ll realize she feels the same way.” “Wow dude… that was deep.” “Well it was true.” “Your right, I’m not giving up on-“ “Your not giving up on what?” Y/N says stepping into the kitchen in her robe whilst ringing her hair out with a towel. I just look at her a second, taken aback. I’m mesmerized by the few tiny water droplets that slowly make their way down her legs. For a brief moment I imagine standing in the shower with her, those beautiful legs wrapped around my waist. Before my fantasy escalates I’m brought back into reality by Ethan nudging me. “Earth to Bailey? Where’d you just go?” She asks again. “Oh uh nowhere, I was saying I’m not giving up on… finding the vacuum, where’d you put that thing again?” I nervously stammer. “The hall closet, but you don’t have to worry about that, I can do it after I get dressed.” “Oh no, its my pleasure, I- I mean I don’t mind.” “You’re really to sweet to me Bailey, thanks again.” She replies giving me a peck on the cheek before going back to her room to get dressed. “Be right out!” She calls from her room. “Thank god your not giving up on the vacuum bro!” Ethan jokes once she’s out of sight. “Oh shut up.” I say smacking him on the head and going to get the vacuum.

Y/N’s POV

I go through my drawers trying to find something comfortable to wallow in. I’m rummaging through my shirt drawer and I keep pulling out the Princeton t-shirts Harrison’s been sending me. Frustrated I almost give up before suddenly pulling out one of Bailey’s lacrosse t shirts.  Its purple with the words “NORTHWESTERN LACROSSE” written in block letters and the lacrosse logo below it. Hm, I must’ve borrowed this and forgotten to give it back. I slip it on over my black leggings and bra. Oh its really soft and it still smells like him I think smiling. I decide to keep it on, as its the only thing that’s made me smile the past three days (besides of course Bailey himself). I stroll out into the living room and find the twins chilling on the couch. “Guys the place looks great, thanks so much.” I say walking up to the sofa and rubbing Grayson’s shoulder appreciatively. “No prob, uh Alicia went to get break up essentials.” Ethan says without looking away from his phone.       “Pizza and ice cream?” “Yep.” I walk around to the front of the couch and sit next to Bailey resting my head on his shoulder. “Is that my shirt?” He asks “Oh, yeah I found it in my drawer, I hope its ok that I wear it. The only other clean t shirts I have right now are the bloody ten thousand Princeton shirts Harrison sent me.” “Its cool… do you… do you even remember when you “borrowed it” by the way?” “Not really actually, why the air quotes around “borrow it?”” “Well… because technically you didn’t really borrow it…” he says looking away. “What do you mean?” “Yeah bro, what are you talking about?” Ethan chimes in, now looking up from his phone. “Are you sure you want Ethan hearing this story Y/N?” “How bad is it?” “You know its not your fault, you were really drunk-“ “Oh god, what the hell did I do?” “Well, it was a party that the lacrosse team threw, and Harrison had just told you he wasn’t going to make it here for the weekend… again… and you were understandably pissed and you drank a lot… you were totally wasted and you got up on a table and started dancing… and kind of ripped your shirt off…” “Oh my god! I cant believe I did that! I have no memory of that!” “As soon as you did it I grabbed you off the table and took you to our apartment. Ethan stayed the night at Alicia’s so he wasn’t there. You passed out in my car on the way there, after protesting with me to let you stay at the party. I carried you into my room, placed you on the bed, and had Cameron come over and help clean you up. Then I put one of my t shirts on you and drove you back here.” “And you did all this whilst I was unconscious?” “Yeah, you pretty much slept through all of it.” “So you saw me in my underwear and didn’t tell me?” “Just your bra… you kept your shorts on. I’m sorry if your creeped out… I just wanted to make sure you were ok… and the next day you didn't remember anything, so I though I’d save you the embarrassment and not tell you…” “Creeped out? How could I be creeped out, that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me! I mean Harrison never did anything like that.” “Grayson how come you didn't tell me about this?” Ethan asks “Because I couldn’t risk anyone blabbing to her, I made all the guys at the party swear not to say anything either.” “Thank you Bailey, just thank you…” I say wrapping my arms around him. “Your welcome, you can keep the shirt by the way.” Soon Alicia came back with the food and we watched movies together all day. It really was exactly what I needed. After I a few hours I could tell Ethan and Alicia really wanted to leave. For the past twenty minutes they were teasing each other and Ethan now sat with a pillow over his lap. “Its ok really E, you guys have been here all day. Besides I have my Bailey. I won’t be alone.” I say putting my arm around Grayson. “Are you sure babe?” Alicia asks “Positive, you guys go have some alone time.” I say winking at Ethan. “See you later Y/N.” Alicia says hugging me and heading to the door. “God bless you Y/N” Ethan whispers hugging me before following Alicia out. “I apologize for him.” Gray says after they leave. “Its ok, I get it. So its just me and you then Bai- I mean Grayson.” I say grazing his arm. “You know if it really bothers you I’ll stop calling you Bailey…” “I don’t mind, I kinda like that your the only one that calls me that…” he replies locking eyes with me. “Thank you… really for everything.” “Don’t mention it.” I lay my head on his shoulder as he plays the next movie. I’m gonna be ok… I think drifting off.

[becomingstrong1289]

4/22/17

This week with Josh has been so frustrating. I have been mad this whole week. i actually considered keeping the kids this weekend instead of them being with him. this is the first time i have done this. after meeting his gf and not getting an apology. Monday i asked him for an apology and he looked at me and asked for what. So I had a conversation with a float nurse who is my situation 20 years from now. Her ex husband was abusive in a different way. They had 3 kids together. Her youngest would cry when going to her ex like Owen does when i leave him. She knows how heart breaking that feeling is. Her other kids adored her ex. They were never able to coparent. At events they would leave her and go sit with him because they didn’t see him. But even when they lived with him they still sat with him. I read on my coparenting facebook group that a woman was hurt because her kids were not allowed to make contact with her in public because the father would punish her kids. Alysca does it to Vanessa too. Shes so conditioned she wont even say hi when her mom isnt around. So i know that is a real situation that could happen. So Stacy, the float nurse, stayed hurt for a very long time in many situations because her and him could not get along and the kids were forced to pick sides. Now two of her kids are living with the father and since they moved they have been brainwashed into not talking to their mom. She aches for them. We are pretty much strangers and everytime she walks into our office she tells us about her kids. I can see Natalie doing that to me. Shes a lot like me and i eventually walked out on my mother to live with my dad. My mom was a shitty mother and physically and emotionally abusive. i yell at the kids but i dont beat them or call them names. i try my best but im the discipliner and josh is the weekend dad. Stacy talks about overcompensating with her youngest because she doesnt want to lose her. I do that with the kids. i go out of my way sometimes to make them happy. My biggest issue and regret is being on my phone when theyre around. its just my way of unwinding from my day and staying calm. im so tired when i get home from work and then there are 500 more things to do. i think if me and shawn get together and i have a little extra help my relationship with them will be better. right now there is only one of me and two of them and they are in such different stages of life. its hard to accommodate both of them. my other issue is my high cleaning standards. i need to relax and put it off til the weekend. shortcuts are okay sometimes. but it makes me feel like a failure. So anyway, after that conversation i really started thinking about withholding the kids for the weekend. i really didn’t see it fixing anything. it would just be rocking the boat. So i decided to talk to him first. i brought owen to the park and he called me. So i told him i was thinking about keeping the kids for the weekend and asked him why he thinks i would have to do that. i realized during this conversation that i have to talk to him like i would have to natalie. That they have the same social knowledge. He first said it was about the paystubs. It took him 11 days to send his paystubs to the lawyer and that was only after i asked for it. i told him that that was a frustration but not the reason. Then i asked again. He finally admitted that it was prolly cuz of courtney. And then i brought up how he wouldnt apologize to me on monday. he told me that he was just thinking about dropping the kids off and not about what happened. I told him that it hurt me so much on saturday that i could barely get out of bed. that i was suppose to do something very important that day but i couldnt do it cuz i was so hurt and depressed. i told him i cant be a good parent and hurt all the time. he admitted that he SHOULD HAVE apologized. they he almost said that he apolo....then he changed what he was saying. it is so hard for him to be remorseful. he just couldn’t say the words. finally, after me nagging at him about not being able to say it, he said he sincerely apologizes to me. i bet his mouth was bleeding after that. then i changed the subject a little. i asked him why he would let me go after his gf like that. he wouldnt really answer. he basically said that he was holding owen and didn’t want things to escalate by asking me to stop or leave. the truth is that i was holding owen the whole time. and he never defending her, me or the kids, only himself. he threw her to the wolves like he did to me with alysca. i told him that once i was courtney and i know what its like to have someone you feel should protect you and doesn’t. i told him that he doesn’t know how to love people and he should think about why that was his reaction because that is really important. This whole week ive been sending him quote and descriptions of sociopaths. He fits him to a tee. I dont know if he thinks so or not. theres really no cure for it. he thinks hes better than other people, he doesnt think he needs to apologize for hurting others, he doesn’t know how to love people. so in the end i asked josh if he wanted our relationship with our kids damaged because we couldnt get along. he said no. i told him i want to try coparenting again but i need a break. i said maybe around owens bday ill start talking to him again but until then its just the kids and the divorce that will be talked about. and even that will be minimal. so i fucked up and forgot owens medicine at drop off. it just didn’t cross my mind. so tonight im going out of my way to go skating with me dad. i think ill just drop off the meds with his grandma. i dont want to see the house or let the kids see me and hear owen cry cuz im leaving. it will break my heart. i dont want to see her car there. i dont want any part of it. 

Something very cool is happening to me. i started seeing Luann again for weight management. i have been basically plateaued at 220 since july 2016. i started creeping up again during the holidays and got back down and then i started creeping again so i made the decision to start weight management again. this is the only way i have ever been able to lose weight. as of yesterday i was down to 217.8. i finally got over the first hump. my next will be 210. that is where diane told me she weighed in at. if i can get under that ill be skinnier than her. 200 will be a huge one. i havent been under 200 since my jr year of hightschool. it would be amazing to be close to that when i go on vacaion. my ultimate goal is 180. when i was eating my normal amount of food i was always afraid of not getting enough nutrients if i ate smaller portions. today i kinda realized that i only eat a certain amount of food per day, say 1500 calories. Those 1500 calories better be very nutritious.  this week i ate basically a dairy product and fruit for dinner, a meat and veggie wrap or salad and meat and veggies for dinner. i did eat one sweet potato once this week. i found some bread that is 35 calories per slice and had a couple pb and js. its not perfect but its working. my snaking was out of control before i started the meds. i would just eat constantly. i was like a smoker with unsalted nuts and prunes. i listen to my dad and his diet stuff but i have to remember that he isnt to his goal weight. he still eats fast food and goes crazy on cheat days. i dont need cheat days. i like my cooking and i love veggies. why would i pick pizza when i can eat a steak and asperagus and mushrooms instead. tonight im going skating. idk if hes gonna wanna go out or not but im gonna try to get a salad or something similar to that. i can alway bring it home and eat it tomorrow or for lunch. no biggy. i feel like shit when i stuff my face. its painful. im waiting for shawn to notice im losing weight. that is going to be really cool when he says something about it.