#AND I think I understand Ford's perspective pretty well

[arrimorr]

Shipping billford is all fun and games until you decide to write a fanfic, Im not kidding when I say im fighting for my life with this one. They are so difficult to write, there are so many things I want to do right and I feel like I already flopped in half of them

[fordtato]

So obviously Jersey Boy is written from Ford’s perspective, which gives us a beautifully intimate understanding of what’s Ford is going through. But that leaves me really curious about how Fidds feels about everything. Ford was pretty obviously crushing on the guy, Fiddleford even points that out himself.

(Sorry for asking two questions today; I literally thought of this one right after the other and it’s been eating at me. Being able to just ask the author of my current obsession is too much p o w e r. I feel like Dipper interacting with Ford.)

Also while I’m here, I might as well ask if Jersey Boy will have a happy ending. Ford deserves it, dammit.

(spoilers: Jersey Boy) First of all, I am always more than happy to answer questions about JB! Seriously. It is so cool that ppl gush over my story, and it 100% is getting to my head but also this is so rad i love talking about it 

In the context of Jersey Boy, Fiddleford has had experience in Tennessee being intimate with someone who, in the middle of a crisis about their own sexuality, ended up hurting Fiddleford. That is very much informing how he is navigating all this with Ford. (I don’t think that’s been in the text itself, it’s more implied. I don’t consider it a spoiler, since I don’t think I’ll have a lot in the story itself about Fiddleford’s past.)

It’s why he let it alone when he saw that Ford was struggling with this - Fiddleford figured it isn’t his job to teach other men their own identity. They gotta figure themselves out, especially when he has no way of controlling how they might react. BUT even despite not doing anything, and not pushing it, and not flirting, and leaving Ford alone, he still ended up very hurt (in chapter 9.) And then he finds out that Ford tried to hurt himself. The response we see in Chapter 12, that frustration with Ford, the “why the fuck did you tell me that” is just the externalization of ‘I did it RIGHT this time, I didn’t push him, I didn’t even be the one to kiss him, he kissed me, and he almost killed himself because he couldn’t bear to be like me.’ And of course we want to sympathize with Ford, the person who HAD the crisis, but there is no right way to navigate this, and Fiddleford is hurt by this, and yes, he’s still angry. He gets it, but this is hard.

Lastly, no spoilers for the ending of Jersey Boy. But thank you very much for your question.

[castle-dominion]

5x8 after hours

I saw the white neck thing I THOUGHT he was a priest! & then he brought out his rosary

Ooh nice dessert Rick can make those jokes but not you jim

Both your parents are lawyers?? MARTHA SHUT THE UP

CASTLE DON'T SHJKHDSKJFDHSDJKG

NO NO NO NO NO YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE YOUR DIFFERENCES IT'S OK IT IS OK ACTORS ARE ALLOWED TO BE NON-SERIOUS & HAVE FUN

RC: ‘Cause honestly that whole death thing is sounding pretty good right now. KB: There’s been a murder down town. RC: Close enough.

They are probs happy for the excuse to get away from their parents

Well in s6 you have a worse dinner with alexis...

*wiping off her makeup* JE: Wow, already? How’d that go? KB: RC: JE: Okay, well, JE: speaking of fathers, we have one right over here.

found religion lol oof holding his rosary must be good. Good marksman, picks up casings

Assassination is basically murder for political OR RELIGIOUS or similar motives.

MC-murtry, irish preist probs, is he ryan's priest? or not. Murdoch mysteries moments.

WOAH WE'R EINTERVIEWING A NUN? don't worry my irish friend, as a michif I know your struggle

Valid lol, acab & all you remember the address???

KR: *makes himself a coffee and he catches sight of the SISTER MARY exiting the elevator. He stills.* KR: A nun walks into a precinct. It’s like the beginnings of a bad joke. *He goes to take a sip of his coffee but stops. He sets the coffee down and works on straightening his tie.* JE: Want to borrow a comb or something? KR: Shut up. JE: (smirks) You know what this reminds me of? Watching one of those body switching movies where the guy looks like a grown man but he’s actually 12. KR, stopping his primping: Hey. Let me tell you something. Catholic school is like combat. Unless you’ve been there you don’t know. JE: Uhhh, I have been there. In combat. And it’s way worse than some old lady. ((he said it was LIKE combat, as in you DON'T KNOW unless you've been there)) ((also no bro catholic school can be horrible, I've been there, but thankfully not the one with nuns)) KR: goes back to fixing his appearance. As SISTER MARY walks by, she levels him with a stern look.

sitting up So Straight around the nun she's so horrible & annoying girl of COURSE you should care abt ppl despite thier soul JE: Of course, I'm-- I'm sorry *starting to understand ryan's perspective* who the HECK would leave for a phone call in the middle of mass?

Like Ford & Lee (also illegal to park blocking a way like that)

They were both insulting each other's interest Drop It Castle Wow I like castle's jacket, nice red hem

Wow just in his apartment,,, scary af

Ya think?!?

Castle is right abt the cement shoes & also right it is not helping (You need to sit there as homoerotically as possible while you set their feet in cement

calls her dude lol

that was NOT castle saying "get the car"

KR: Not that I'd ever doubt a nun! Reminds me of the episode in the near future, you know the one, the irish mob on KR: The guy took out a priest. We can’t just let him disappear.

A DOLLAR ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (not talking about it being expensive, but talking abt the wire being cut)

leo stfu

interesting transition sending esposito there alone?

He's right, cops don't rly come to this town

Leo relationship therapist moments WOAH SHE JUST BROKE THE CAR!?

can't you call 911 without the password?

esposito not wearing a vest? (also ryan is pretty af)

interesting angle & cant & all that this is sooo cute Bro don't talk to them!!! Check where the fingerprints are on the phone screen it HAS a schedule but it doesn't FOLLOW it Leo: I'm starting to feel like I'd be safer outside

Yeah lol just a joyride in a cop car

Martha & Jim <3 MR, long winded & dramatic: Well after I got a call from Detective Esposito I became very concerned, so I checked in with – JB: Well after I got a call from Detective Esposito I became very concerned, so I checked in with – VG: There’s no cause for alarm. It’s just that we’re having trouble pinpointing their perspective – MR: Oh please, stop. You are a terrible actress. ((GIRL)) There is no way that anyone would have called me if they weren’t really worried ((Lol probably true)) and I want to know what is really going on here.

MR: All right – where is that fancy coffee machine that Richard bought for the precinct? Over there? (she points)

flying to DUBLIN?

Don't u have only like 30 possibly attempts before it gets locked? So call me maybe <3 Castle GET TO THE POINT SAY YOU NEED HER TO CALL 911 Yes I LET her hang up Castle don't throw it outside like that rly quick wtffff

Why'd he fall oooooof Could have said "we need to get this man to a hospital he broke his ankle" bc the cabbie saw that

Oh no they ar egoing to get Locked In he COULD stand on it & run on it for a minute there when his life was in deep danger...

Gates in the interview uwu Hell, I'll even drive you to the airport! She's so good "My people" sfdjhfjdsh castle is one of her people

Get a deaf employee lol

Wait wasn't chinese relevant? RC: No. But I’ve seen every episode of MacGyver

PARTNERS partners Lol relationship therapist moments

Brings up the simple boring thing hhhsdjfhkjshfjs He's a new yorker ofc he likes baseball Big bro said that these two would end up together & it reminded me of sammy keyes she should NOT feel safe when he is watching Cut to them fighting? Ah sadly not RC: Yeah. C’mon. We’re a couple of idiots who can’t remember what we were fighting about. So … what were we fighting about?

Then enjoy the bubble while you have it! Breaking the bubble sooner is still breaking the bubble!

RC: Maybe I’m not speaking the right language. (he tries again, this time with a trucker accent) Breaker, breaker. I got a mama bear and two joes who need a ride back to the bear cave. (to BECKETT) I once had Derrick Storm beat up a trucker.

RC: Besides, it’s him they want dead, not me. Leo: Thanks for the reminder.

Remember in morse code: s is shorter than o bc s happens more

at least castle apologizes

.. . --- .- ..- . m e s a u e I'm too slow in morse code I should really practice

I love how he is just relationship therpisting

Ooh music NOT a journalist "figuring out" endings lol Poker moments Castle is totally double bluffing here, misleading him. Also what if you didn't know which side was north? LIke me? bad sense of direction!

DOLAN? THE BIG GUY IN THE MOB? ALSO HE DIDN'T KIDNAP THE DETECTIVES THEN

Get the gun wait... I THOUGHT MAYBE HE WAS THREATENING HER BC THE COPS GOT INTO TROUBLE

wait he IS the guy who kidnapped the detectives castle would totally make friends with them lol, like daniel in the lion's den in the veggie tales adaptation, got pizza

Did leo coach her on what to say?

... Baseball game? So should castle tell dolan that there is probably smth wrong or...?

Probably not a sociopath. Sociopaths often have social anxiety & are very flakey, not coldblooded killers

Also whose gun is that? Right, NOT beckett's, it was the gun of the mobster. Uness he took beckett's gun Why didn't they scout out the location first, there is ALWAYS fishy business

Should have kept one bullet for a double tap

Why didn't we hear the sirens before this?

Never never always Oh he got her gun & badge back

Wow new yorker whistled & magically got a cab. Yep.

He's OFFERING to do time? Also it was bright out, the sun is rising, they are all still in their clothes,,, been a long night huh Gates has what like snacks?

*seeing them kiss* k no nvm it was not a kiss lol

Hey I somehow only spent an hour on this episode! I started watching at 10, then I didn't get off until 12 (tho the goal was 11.30) but now I'm off at 1! that's only an hour! Proud of myself!

[lightsiided]

     "Oh," she says again, though it's more unsure, this time. Her lips turn down into a frown, brows drawing together in concern. "Well... I know my students' parents pretty well, and I don't THINK any of them are the sort of horrible people that would care about something like that, but I understand why you'd be worried." Her eyes search his face for some indication of what he might be thinking. "Have people been giving you trouble? I'd be happy to talk to them. If it would help."

It's more than mildly irritating, to think of someone giving Ford a hard time over something so ABSURD. The war is over. Many who aided the First Order had no choice in the matter. And, Rey thinks, as she watches Ford, still, even those who did choose have the capacity to decide otherwise, now. He has been nothing but kind to her, gentle and lovely with her class, indulging her request and their many questions. Why should she be bothered by something that happened so long ago? Only a very small-minded person would let something like that impede them from getting to know Ford NOW, as he is -- at least in her perspective.

Could it be possible that hasn't been his experience? Her frown deepens. "I'm sorry you think something like that would stop you from visiting. I hope you know... it wouldn't, to me. I meant what I said -- I'd be happy to have you back any time. And I hope that if anyone tells you otherwise... you'll feel comfortable letting me know, so that I can say something to them." She can't help but wonder, then, if she is one of those people. If there is something she's said or done to inadvertently upset him, to pry into something that's none of her or anyone else's BUSINESS.

"Look -- you don't have to explain yourself to me." This time, when she speaks, her voice is softer. "Or anyone. I hope you know that. I didn't mean to press so hard, about... helping, or coming back. Really, just TODAY was a huge favor, and so amazing. If you want me to leave you alone, you've done... more than enough. But -- if you don't... um, I'd really like that." Her chin dips with a sudden shyness. "To have you back for a visit, or... to spend MORE TIME with you."

The seconds between his question and her answer are long and grueling despite being just that—mere seconds. Ford is sure this is where it's all going to blow up on him now. That the class was some test to see if he'll come out to the village upon request and be lured into a false sense of security, teaching children. Maybe the next time he comes in, he'll be in the middle of showing off crops when authorities come in and seize him, take him to captivity or—whatever it is they have planned. Because he's a former member of the Order, and whether or not he's been reformed is likely of no interest to them. Whether or not he was just following orders or in congruence with the Order's wishes is no interest of theirs. It's—

Rey's words are...

Comforting?

He had been weaned on pain for so long that comfort feels foreign to him. It reminds him of his boyhood, right before he was recruited: warm, summer days where he chased his toddler sister around and made sure she didn't fall into the water because their hut was near a pond. His father was a fisherman and, though he fished elsewhere, he liked that their hut was near a body of water because it was the only place he felt at ease, he'd told Ford.

How could it be that Rey reminded him of home just by one shrug? By the plain fact that she had a feeling? Not that he was evil or that he was bad but that he was someone valuable, someone good enough to teach others and not expendable?

He has to hide his surprise at the woman's words. For a moment he thinks to conceal it; that if she doesn't know, she doesn't need to know, but then that leaves it up to the village. And the village, once it catches wind of what he did here today, will likely report to Rey no matter what they think she'll do with the information. Besides, it's not a secret... is it?

"I'm not sure if I'll be coming back," he tells her. He swallows, perhaps visibly uncomfortable. "I don't know how people will react once they realize I worked for the Order." Maybe if he mentions he was just a Stormtrooper, that'll make a difference. But to some people, it doesn't. Good and evil are black and white. And in a way, Ford likes the rigidity of that. It keeps him from having to tumble around in the gray area. Maybe this will be a warning for Rey to stay away from him.

It was good while it lasted.

[nenoname]

Land Before Swine Secret Commentary Transcript

aka the in-character Stan one

aka the only one that’s on youtube at the time of me writing this. 

…I’ll get to the other ones later. When I feel like it. Also dang Stan says “y’know” a lot.

Disclaimer: my hearing is shot so take this as you will

Stan: Ah, hello? Is this thing on? Testing, hello? Uh, hi there, listeners. I’m Grunkle Stan! What’s this down here?

I was promised a plate of bacon– is there bacon for me? No, I’m not gonna do this for free. …Alright they just gave me a dollar. Gimme two.

Okay, okay– alright, hi, hey! It’s me, Grunkle Stan. So here’s the deal; apparently my sweaty grandnephew, Dipdop, was recording the entire summer with Soos’ video camera, like a little weirdo? Like every single thing we did, the entire summer he was recording. That’s-that’s what we’re watching right now. It’s kinda creepy that he did that. He gets that from Ford, I think. That and his inability to make eye contact with women.

Anyway, he wanted me to, I dunno, give commentary on this day of… our lives? That he recorded? Like a school project or something? So here I am. Here’s my voice– crank up the volume! You really wanna hear that gravel. You want your neighbors to hear it too. It takes, it takes a lot of really bad livin’ to sound this way, so (laughs) I earned it. Enjoy. 

Um, I dunno what this (referring to the opening) is. Guess Dipper cut together a musical montage of various moments. Fairly professional! Frankly it’s embarrassing he spent that much time on it.

So, uh, so yeah, this was a day in my life. This was uh, a regular old day. Little bit of scamming people. Little bit of punching dinosaurs in the face. Y’know I get why Dipper wanted my commentary. I mean, I’m a pretty great man so I understand why he wanted to hear my perspective on things, uh, I have a lot to say.

(coughs) So many pearls of wisdom, um… Let’s see ah, what’s new in my life… I went to the doctor today. Well it wasn’t a doctor so much that he was Soos dressed in a lab coat, reading webmv (??) off of his phone. “Y’know I think I’m gonna give my life savings to some quack with a medical degree?” No! Not gonna happen. Y’know I heard on the AM radio that vaccines lets the government read your thoughts– nice try, Uncle Sam!! Go back to Russia!

Anyway, who wants to hear about my various body problems? You name it, I’ve got it. Hernia? Got it. Abnormal rashes? Ho, ho, you gotta believe I’ve got abnormal rashes. Who’s got two thumbs and a liver that’s hanging by a thread? This guy, baby! Let’s see, what other body problems do I have? According to Soos, I got boxer’s ear, money lung, brass knuckles, sailor’s mouth, ingrown eyebrows, Achilles everything… something called “super gout”! Dog pox, seasonal squash nose, chronic uncle jokes, tooth flu, strep leg, something called “face worm”… Y’know when an earthquake is coming, my knee swells up and when a musical festival is coming, my fist swells up in rage. I’m also partially deaf because my ears are next to my mouth and I’ve been diagnosed with having no indoor voice.

And now to read you my current blood pressure statistics– warning! They’re terrible. Oh, wait, sorry, there’s a sticky note here from Dipper. It says “Don’t talk about your body problems.” I guess I’m supposed to talk about the video? I dunno, I mean… what is there to say? I’m trying to give the people what they want. Let’s talk about the day.

Um, I remember it was really hot, that’s the first thing. Uh, y’’know Dipper and Soos, they went off on some kinda journey. Y’know Dipper and Mabel's mom, they said “keep a close eye on these kids over the course of the summer. Don’t let them get into trouble. Don’t let them wander into any cemeteries or off of any cliffs. Keep them away from sharp objects.” –But they didn’t say anything about monsters so I think I’m covered, honestly.

Let’s see, what happened? I mean, it was just like any other day in Gravity Falls! I um, I got outta bed. I did three hundred pushups. I ate some steamed carrots… (laughs) Nah, c’mon, what do I look like, a sucker? You only live once, friends.

Here’s a real routine from Grunkle Stan; I got outta bed, ate a basket of cold cinnamon rolls I found in a drawer, laid on the carpet for like an hour until Soos came and poked me with a stick. Y’know that’s basically how most of my days start up. Then I went into the basement to work on that darn portal. I mean, I can talk about that right? Cat’s outta the bag now? Yeah, y’know, I was working on that portal everyday. You see me here being a bear of a man, a leader, a titan of industry. But, uh, off camera, prior to this adjusting my tie in the mirror, I was downstairs trying to figure out how to get my brother back from that dimension that he… through various means wound up in. Partially my fault. Partially his. Who could really say? Y’know the point is, I wasn’t just the curmudgeon I look like here. Every morning I would go downstairs, I would work on trying to figure out on how to get him outta there, y’know? Um, part of my daily routine, I was tightening screws, trying to teach myself highschool maths so I could get the thing up and running. I also did a lotta punching the portal, like the jukebox. And let's not forget that toxic waste I stole! Yeah those are some good memories.

So y’know, everyday it’d be something like this; I’ll work on the portal, break some things so Soss has some stuff to fix, get on my suit and give a tour like the one ya looking at. Y’know I like to mix it up on my tour, um, I mean sometimes I like to take people through the Shack. Sometimes I show them taxidermies, sometimes optical illusions.

This corn, this unicorn made of corn, I brought that at a rummage sale. Um, I shoulda known someone would eat it. I kinda had a running pool with Wendy that it’d get eaten by Soos or Dipper or Mabel. Forgot about the pig. Probably should’ve bet on the pig.

So y’know here’s the kid up in the attic, just in the dark like a creep, like a weirdo. I mean, I don’t understand, I feel like all photographers, there’s something wrong with their heads. They’re passively observing life– like not like me! Grabbing life by the horns and making money off of it, uh, because I could make money off of anything! The key of being a showman is turning anything into an attraction. Like I have this pool of stagnant water that collected by the front door after the radiator broke. So I called it the “Befuddle Puddle” and charge an extra dollar to see your reflection. “Feeling befuddled yet?!” is what I say to the people. And I also glue a lotta things to other things to make a thing that’s new! So you give a turban to an armadillo; now it’s a “carmadillo”! Glue a cat to another cat; now ya got a double cat. 

Sometimes people point out that they just drove ten miles to see a wet floor and a bunch of angry cats glued to each other and that’s when you gotta defuse the situation with comedy. Um, y’know, I’m always doing different material, I’m sorta an amateur comedian– can, can I swear on this thing? There’s a guy who’s shaking his head at me, he’s giving a thumbs down, he’s doing a cross your throat thing with his finger. I’m-I'm not sure, is that a “yes”? I can swear? Now, he’s freaking out– he just ran out of the room. Alright, maybe I’ve got to watch my mouth on this thing, um but, ya not getting the full experience, kids! I’m pretty hilarious without the censors breathing down my neck. People always ask me, “Stan, where do you get your material?” A little word to the wise, for aspiring comedians out there; bumper stickers.

When ya step onto the road right there, I’ve never seen a bumper sticker that didn’t make me laugh like, heh, on the way here this morning, I saw one that said “driver carries no cash– hE’S MARRIED!” (laughs so hard he begins to choke) Oh lord… urgh, that’s my money lung actin’ up, one sec (giggles) “He’s married…” Guh, I mean, I don’t have a crowd around me right now but if I did they’d be laughing as hard as I just was. Y’know it’s a little, it’s a play on social mores etcetera.

Um, ah, whatta we lookin’ at here? I guess Dipper somehow got his camera into my mind? Not really sure how he did this but um, yeah I’m pretty good at weaving a yarn and this was a tale I told to Mabel to um, y’know make her see the real me because sometimes the truth is hiding within a lie. Y’know like, you might tell a lie like uh “I fought a monster for your pig” and the truth is you’re directly responsible for the pig getting stolen b-but the deeper truth is you would’ve fought a monster, right? It’s like a, it’s sorta like a truth turducken; lie, truth, lie, truth– y’know who’s really to say what is real and what is not? Certainly not Soos! He has no idea what’s real.

So, uh, y’know, let’s see… jokes…. I told you about my medical problems, um… heh alright, okay I know what Dipper wants to hear, I know why he asked me to do this. He wants to know a little bit about the real Grunkle Stan. Y’know, you guys see this paragon of attractiveness and virtue- you don’t learn the warts and all.

You probably want to hear about my ex-wife, right? Okay? There’s not much to tell, I bring her up every now and again. I tell jokes. Uh, sometimes comedy comes from a place of pain and I, y’know, was actually married for less than a day. Vegas situation. Reach for the same slot machine handle and it was love at first sight. Marilyn. Had hair like an airline stewardess and a neon pink shirt that said “over thirty and very flirty.” Man, I was putty in her hands. You shoulda seen the way she threw dice. One time right at my head! Turns out she only married me to distract me while she stole my car and all my winnings. And I guess her name was fake and her hair was fake, but y’know the love was real. She really was the one that got away. Like literally. It was a proper getaway. She was chased by cop cars for about a mile outta Vegas before ducking out of a door into a canyon and making off with all my loot. Sometimes I still think of her. That pale bingo hall skin. That one weirdly sharp tooth. S-sorry I’m getting nostalgic– point is, yeah! I had love in my life once and uh y’know, it bit me. And I learnt a bit of a lesson from that which is ya open your heart and blood comes out and ya die. So, y’know, try not to be a sap like I was.

Let’s see, let’s talk about what’s going on here, uh… This is the only time you’ll see me step foot in a building with any kinda spiritual significance, I’ll say that much. Urgh gosh, this guy. So, yeah, Old Man McGucket, he’s kinda a liability and uh, I guess he helped us save the world with that robot and whatever but, uh, prior to realising he was a genius, he was mainly just a nuisance. Like I think I ran him over with my car a couple of times? Like he’s like a possum, he just runs out onto the middle of the road. (laugh) I mean, everyone in Gravity Falls has run over Old Man McGucket at least once. It’s, it’s kinda a rite of passage when you’re in that town.

Obviously I didn’t want him on this mission, y’know, McGucket-ing up the whole thing, he was a liability, let’s face it! Various tales we didn’t need to hear. That gold tooth glinting in my eye, distracting me all the time… Uh, yeah I’m pretty sure he was responsible for getting us to… fall off of this thing… wait, let’s wait and see… yeah, there it is- called it! His fault. Sometimes I remember things being someone else’s fault but this case I was right! All McGucket.

So yeah, this day, the other thing I remember about it was, uh, it represented a real missed opportunity for me because this coulda been a great tourist trap. Right? Like, Land… Time Forgot. Park of Jurassic Creatures, uh. I can’t think of a great name for it but y’know, Dino Fun Wacky Sap Town Park, something like that. I mean just picture what this woulda been like. Okay this is a once in a lifetime dream, to charge saps to literally look at sap. Like I’m always scamming people but pun-based scams, that’s the sweetest. I coulda made that happen! Sadly I lost the chance when the place caved in at the end of the day, you’ll see.

The dinosaur mishap kinda gets outta hand. The whole thing goes bottoms up. Y’know, I suppose Sixer might be able to make some sorta drill that could get me back down to the dinosaur cave with some real attractions. Like his inventions always backfire, like (laughs) like this one time in high school, he’ll hate that i’m talking about this so, should I talk about this?

Yeah, I’ll do it, okay. So this one time in high school, my brother, Stanford– well, it started out like this; so Fordsy had a fear of girls ever since Cathy Crenshaw got freaked out by his hand in third grade, uh, those of you listening, I’ve got a brother, he’s got six fingers. It’s kinda cool, he’s great at piano, y’know? He could do really cool like, shadow puppets but uh, in elementary school, kids could be cruel and uh, I guess it sorta traumatised him? He tried to hold a girl’s hand. She spilled punch on his head and ever since then he had a hard time talking to girls, unlike- unlike myself. That’s life.

Anyway, cut to high school, the guy’s never kissed a girl, prom is coming up and he asked me for advice. “Stanley, I know things have been a little weird between you and me with college but can you talk to me about girls?” Um, and y’know, I said, uh “whatever you do, don’t be yourself. You’re gonna freak ‘em out. Act like me!” And so we tried for a couple of days, we actually traded places. He dressed up as me, I dressed up as him and I was hoping that would make the ladies flock to him. But instead he was ruining my reputation, right? Like he was destroying my game all over the place so we switched back. I said “you’re a hopeless case” and he, (laughs) his solution as he is wont to do was to build like a kissing practice robot, okay. 

It was basically a mannequin head with a rubik's cube for a mouth and a siren attached to its head that would go off if you were kissing it wrong. Like he read a bunch of Mom’s magazines for women about men and programmed that into the machine so the only way to get the siren to stop is for you to learn to kiss properly. Anyway, cut to all of us in gym class, the head falls out of his gym bag. The siren starts going off. The only way to stop the thing is for him to kiss it in front of the whole class! (laughs) Ah, man! Ha… he was still more popular than me. Not my fault. 

I dunno, I just have an excess of personality. Some people get jealous… Dad always taught me that the way to get people to respect you is to punch the biggest person in any room, the first time you enter that room. But if you do that in school then apparently you have “rage problems” quote unquote according to the counselor. Darn hippy. 

Childhood, y’know, is hard! It’s hard, guys! No matter how you slice it, right? Like it’s clearly not easy on these kids. I think I was a pretty good caretaker though. I mean, all things considered. Okay, let’s get real, guys. The pig’s cute, okay? Like I knew the pig was cute from day one. You see it in that nest. You’re feeling it. I’m feeling it. Looking at it and you feel your desire to eat bacon slightly subsiding… I mean a lil’ bit. Like five percent. I, I didn’t actually want the pig to get eaten by wolves, y’know. I was just hoping I could just get it outta my crosshairs so that it wouldn’t get in the way of my various amazing jokes and… y’know I was a lil’ worried that it might get lost in the portal so I wanted it out of the house. But I didn’t want this to happen, alright?

So what you’re watching right here, me tussling with a pig, getting attacked by a dinosaur, plummeting into a ravine, this was not how I expected this day to wind up. But, uh, push comes to shove, y’know, I’m not a bad guy, right? Like… how many of you, looking at this video right now, how many of you think that I’m gonna let this pig get eaten by a monster? Is that what you think of me? Not gonna do it. Not gonna happen.

The fez. Y’know sometimes people ask about my fez and there might be some people listening to in Dipper’s class that might be curious, yeah that’s actually my old man’s, actually. That belonged to my dad. Um, he’d come home late, first Thursday or second Thursday of every month. He had this Masonic lodge? That he was a part of? The Loyal Order of the Holy Mackerel, something like that. It’s just a bunch of old guys who worshiped a fish in a tank and they did a bunch of weird rituals. Something about brotherhood– here’s the secret behind the Masons, alright? I never really joined so I can tell ya; they’re just trying to get away from their wives and girlfriends for one night, eat pasta and tell dumb jokes. Like they act like they, oh control the world- they don’t control the world. They can’t even control their own interpersonal relationships. They just wanna play poker and have a night to themselves, right? I think that’s what my dad was doing. Anyway I guess he “bestowed” his hat upon my brother, thinking that one day maybe he’d join the fraternal order and when I took over my brother’s house, I took the hat as a showman and, y’know it fit my head pretty good!

Alright if you got popcorn, now’s the time to eat it because prepare for some heroism. This is, alright, it looks pretty dramatic what I’m about to do on camera but like, real talk, I basically couldn’t get outta bed for three days, this was (laughs) incredibly painful. Impressive but painful. Y’know the important thing is uh, is that the kids came out alright. They didn’t get eaten by a monster like McGucket there. Uh, I was a pretty good caretaker. 

A lot of people ask me, they say “Stan. You have impeccable genetic material, why haven’t you sired an heir?” People are always saying that. Y’know that’s an easy one because kids, kids are a giant hassle. I was once a kid and it was the worst. And the only thing worse than kids-? Parents. My dad was a cold-hearted ex-bricklayer who’d rather list my faults at Passover rather than throw the ol’ football around. Seriously, I never played catch with my old man.

For a science fair, I asked Ford to help me invent a football throwing robot just to get someone to throw a football around with me. But, uh, Ford wouldn’t do it, he was mad about the whole Kissbot incident so I had to invent my own football throwing robot. Just duct tape a football to a toaster, call it Footbot. I mean, what’s a guy gotta do to get one game of catch with his old man? Right? Whatever, Whatever! Doesn’t matter! 

I have, I have, I have my own family. I do have a son, Benjamin Abe Hamilton Washington. This pile of money I’ve collected over the years! That’s my true family. Y’know I can sorta glue it together into the shape of a child maybe… Eh, I dunno. I, I do my best, right? And I do have, I do actually, not to brag, but I have an obscene amount of money. Uh, y’know all the years of collecting and etcetera– and also grifting!

You wanna learn some classic grifts? Anyone out there wanna learn some grifts? Here’s a good one; I call this one the “Grunkle Surprise!” You pay a bunch of hobos, okay it’s complicated, get a pen and paper. You pay a bunch of hobos a fish head a piece to dress up as an ol’ timey barbershop quartet– then you need to get six, not five, six live bats and a little guy dressed as a baby. Now here’s the really important part, don’t use an actual baby in this grift. I learnt that the hard way– wait, wait, just interrupt this thought for a moment.

I can’t remember how we got outta this one. Did we, did we die? Am, am I in the afterlife right now? I seriously can’t recall. A dinosaur came for us, I must’ve done something really amazing, personally, myself. Maybe I, uh, oh whaddya know, actually it was Soos! Y’know I think he’s gonna make a good Mr Mystery. Uh don’t tell anybody this but uh, I’m kinda proud of him, push comes to shove. Eh, one second.

Soos: ‘Sup, dude!

Stan: Oh Soos, whatta you doin’ here?

Soos: Oh yeah, dude. I just uh, I knew you were doin’ some commentary and I thought I would bring you some, uh, cracker-flavoured chipackers?

Stan: T-That’s a thing? Soos: Yeah, dude! I just brought some, have some!

Stan: Alright, heh, let’s see. Oh, oh my goodness. They’re crackers that taste just like chips that taste just like crackers! Thanks, Soos. Holy cow! Soos: Science truly is an amazing thing. I also brought a bag of stuff from the Mystery Shack. I was hoping you could, uh , sign these for me? Stan: Alright, yeah, sure, let’s see. We’ve got snowglobes, the ol’ John Hancock (??). Let’s see we got a bumper stick, Stan Pines and a… what’s this? Football? We don’t sell footballs at the Mystery Shack, Soos.

Soos: (nervous laugh) Ha, yeah, ya know. I was just thinking, maybe before you leave on your big adventure with Ford, we could… I dunno. Toss the ol’ football around? L-Like catch or whatever…

Stan: Soos, were you listening through the wall while I was recording this-? Soos: No, dude, I swear I wasn’t!! Stan: Alright. Okay. What the heck. You and me, huh? This is Grunkle Stan and as I always say, wait no, this time you can say it with me, Soos.

Stan and Soos: No refunds!

Soos: Dude!

Stan: Alright, alright. So let’s see, uh, throwing the football around, y’know I’m an expert. (laughs) You gotta go long and the secret is throwing it as hard as you can to the other person’s head.

Soos: Like a Terminator!

Stan: (laughs) Exactly! Exactly, like a– y’know, you’re alright!

[watching-pictures-move]

Dispatches from TIFF #3

Hey folks, after two long years, I’m doing TIFF again, so I figured I’d make a little diary out of it with reviews and other thoughts.

Venus (Balaguero, 2022)

The differences between this and Balaguero's first two [REC] movies are illuminating. In those, the found footage format forced a certain visual style on the movie, which then had to figure out how to create tension and atmosphere visually (usually by holding its shots and situating us in darkened environments). This cycles through a number of images and tropes we've mostly seen elsewhere, but filtered through a drab, hacky veneer that drains the life out of most of it. Any potentially gnarly gore gag is cut or panned away from without fail. Those other movies also limited our perspective, thus keeping some sense of forward momentum throughout as you work through the narrative along with the protagonists. Here, the mix of cosmic/supernatural horror and crime thriller sounds intriguing on paper, but the cross-cutting drains the tension out of the proceedings instead of helping it build.

If I can say one unqualified point in favour of the movie, it's that Ester Exposito brings an appealing physicality to the lead role. If I can say another more qualified point that some might consider in favour of the movie, it's that it feels more like mid-2000s hackwork rather than 2010s-onward "Elevated Horror" era hackwork.

Hunt (Lee, 2022)

There's some lip service to the queasy morality involved in intelligence work, and I suspect some of what transpires may resonate more with Korean audiences (my understanding of Korean history is pretty superficial). But this is ultimately a nostalgic exercise, in that it's in love with the textures of espionage more than the moral stakes: scowling guys reading documents through wireframe aviators, defections gone awry, barked conversations in code, and endless, endless torture scenes (none of which produce useful intel, meaning this has better politics than 90% of Hollywood spy movies). Lee Jung-Jae and Jung Woo-Sung both give the kind of stern performances that make you think you're watching a "good" movie, but Lee as a director makes sure to throw in enough cool shit to make his character look like a badass: shootouts, car chases, and a climactic explosion that had the audience hooting and hollering.

They play characters who hate each others' guts so much that they spend the entire movie trying to pin each other for treason, meaning that there's a lot of "Harrison Ford and Henry Czerny trying to print and delete compromising data at the same time in Clear and Present Danger" energy when it's not indulging in "Clint barking 'You got a rendezvous with my ass, motherfucker!' in In the Line of Fire" energy. And while it's a bit startling to see shakycam in 2022 now that long takes are back in vogue, I think this movie does it pretty well. Most of the shootouts are in cramped locations, and the frantic camera moves actually complement the relentless momentum of the narrative pretty nicely.

In short, this kind of owns.

Also, given that this screening was pretty late in the week, I was not expecting a Q&A, but we got one with both Lee and Jung, turning on their movie star magic to the max. The crowd was losing it. I've never even watched Squid Game and even I was star struck. So yeah, that was pretty awesome.

Nightalk (Shebib, 2022)

Listen, I understand Donald Shebib is an old man, so I don't want to sound too mean here, but I don't think he understands how smartphones work. Characters constantly do things like make printouts to show photos and make large notes on notepad paper which they carry around, which are all things that smartphones can do. Which is a problem because this movie is about an "app" for kinky phone sex. I put "app" in quotes because I don't think he actually knows what an app is (what is presented is basically a phone sex hotline), let alone know how to visualize it interestingly (characters spend the whole movie seemingly listening to their phones on speakerphone while holding it up to their ears). And considering the heroine is supposed to find self actualization through kink, what she's into isn't really that kinky, and presented too wholesomely to have any real charge. I'm not proud that one of my complaints is that this movie isn't perverted enough, but it needs to be said.

It feels like Shebib read the dictionary definition of all the major elements in the narrative and decided to make a movie about it, with almost uniformly stilted performances and, barring a few decent looking fluorescent-lit scenes, a hideous CBC prestige show sheen. Maybe this plays more interestingly in the context of his career (no, I haven't seen Goin' Down the Road yet because I'm a bad Canadian), but I found this pretty dreadful. The only good moments in the movie are the two scenes with Canadian screen icon Art Hindle, who turns in the only performance in the movie that feels lived in and like an actual person.

[bloodbenderz]

humaniterations (dot) net/2014/10/13/an-anarchist-perspective-on-the-red-lotus/ this article from oct 2014 is very dense — truly, a lot to unpack here, but I feel like you would find this piece interesting. I would love it if you shared your thoughts on the points that stood out to you, whether you agree or disagree. you obv don’t have to respond to it tho, but I’m sending it as an ask jic you feel like penning (and sharing) a magnificent essay, as is your wont 💕

article

i know this took me forever 2 answer SORRY but i just checked off all the things on my to do list for the first time in days today so. Essay incoming ladies!

ok im SO glad u sent me this bc it’s so so good. it’s a genuinely thoughtful criticism of the politics in legend of korra (altho i think its sometimes a little mean to korra unnecessarily like there’s no reason to call her a “petulant brat” or say that she throws tantrums but i do understand their point about her being an immature and reactionary hero, which i’ll get back to) and i think the author has a good balance between acknowledging like Yeah the lok writers were american liberals and wrote their show accordingly and Also writing a thorough analysis of lok’s politics that felt relevant and interesting without throwing their hands up and saying this is all useless liberal bullshit (which i will admit that i tend to do).

this article essentially argues that the red lotus antagonists of s3 were right. And that’s not an uncommon opinion i think but this gives it serious weight. Like, everything that zaheer’s gang did was, in context, fully understandable. of course the red lotus would be invested in making sure that the physically and spiritually and politically most powerful person in the world ISNT raised by world leaders and a secret society of elites that’s completely unaccountable to the people! of course the red lotus wants to bring down tyrannical governments and allow communities to form and self govern organically! and the writers dismiss all of that out of hand by 1. consistently framing the red lotus as insane and murderous (korra never actually gives zaheer’s ideas a chance or truly considers integrating them into her own approach) 2. representing the death of the earth queen as not just something that’s not necessarily popular (what was with mako’s bootlicker grandma, i’d love to know) but as something that causes unbelievable violence and chaos in ba sing se (which, like, a lot of history and research will tell you that people in disasters tend towards prosocial behaviors). so the way the story frames each of these characters and ideologies is fascinating because like. if you wanted to write season 3 of legend of korra with zaheer as the protagonist and korra as the antagonist, you wouldn’t actually have to change the sequence of events at all, really. these writers in particular and liberal writers in general LOVE writing morally-gray-but-ultimately-sympathetic characters (like, almost EVERY SINGLE fire nation character in the first series, who were full on violent colonizers but all to a degree were rehabilitated in the eyes of the viewer) but instead of framing the red lotus as good people who are devoted to justice and freedom and sometimes behave cruelly to get where theyre trying to go, they frame them as psychopaths and murderers who have good intentions don’t really understand how to make the world a better place.

and the interesting thing about all this, about the fact that the red lotus acted in most cases exactly as it should have in context and the only reason its relegated to villain status is bc the show is written by liberals, is that the red lotus actually points out really glaring sociopolitical issues in universe! like, watching the show, u think well why the fuck HASN’T korra done anything about the earth queen oppressing her subjects? why DOESN’T korra do anything about the worse than useless republic president? why the hell are so many people living in poverty while our mains live cushy well fed lives? how come earth kingdom land only seems to belong to various monarchs and settler colonists, instead of the people who are actually indigenous to it? the show does not want to answer these questions, because american liberal capitalism literally survives on the reality of oppressive governments and worse than useless presidents and people living in poverty while the middle/upper class eats and indigenous land being stolen. if the show were to answer these questions honestly, the answer would be that the status quo in real life (and the one on the show that mirrors real life) Has To Change.

So they avoid answering these questions honestly in order for the thesis statement to be that the status quo is good. and the only way for the show to escape answering these questions is for them to individualize all these broad social problems down into Good people and Bad people. so while we have obvious bad ones like the earth queen we also have all these capitalists and monarchs and politicians who are actually very nice and lovely people who would never hurt anyone! which is just such an absurd take and it’s liberal propaganda at its best. holding a position of incredible political/economic power in an unjust society is inherently unethical and maintaining that position of power requires violence against the people you have power over. which is literally social justice 101. but there’s literally no normal, average, not-politically-powerful person on the show. so when leftist anarchism is presented and says that destroying systems that enforce extreme power differentials is the only way to bring peace and freedom to all, the show has already set us up to think, hey, fuck you, top cop lin beifong and ford motor ceo asami sato are good people and good people like them exist! and all we have to do to move forward and progress as a society is to make sure we have enough good individuals in enough powerful positions (like zuko as the fire lord ending the war, or wu as the earth king ending the monarchy)! which is of course complete fiction. liberal reform doesn’t work. but by pretending that it could work by saying that the SYSTEM isnt rotten it’s just that the people running it suck and we just need to replace those people, it automatically delegitimizes any radical movements that actually seek to change things.

and that’s the most interesting thing about this article to me is that it posits that the avatar...might actually be a negative presence in the world. the avatar is the exact same thing: it’s a position of immense political and physical power bestowed completely randomly, and depending on the moral character and various actions of who fills that position at any given time, millions of people will or won’t suffer. like kyoshi, who created the fascist dai li, like roku, who refused to remove a genocidal dictator from power, like aang, who facilitated the establishment of a settler colonial state on earth kingdom land. like korra! she’s an incredibly immature avatar and a generally reactionary lead. i’ve talked about this at length before but she never actually gets in touch with the needs of the people. she’s constantly running in elite circles, exposed only to the needs and squabbles of the upper class! how the hell is she supposed to understand the complexities of oppression and privilege when she was raised by a chess club with inordinate amounts of power and associates almost exclusively with politicians and billionaires?? from day 1 we see that she tends to see things in very black and white ways which is FINE if you’re a privileged 17 yr old girl seeing the world for the first time but NOT FINE if you’re the single most powerful person in the world! Yeah, korra thinks the world is probably mostly fine and just needs a little whipping into shape every couple years, because all she has ever known is a mostly fine world! in s1 when mako mentions that he as a homeless impoverished teenager worked for a gang (which is. Not weird. Impoverished people of every background are ALWAYS more likely to resort to socially unacceptable ways of making money) korra is like “you guys are criminals?????!!!!!” she was raised in perfect luxury by a conservative institution and just never developed beyond that. So sure, if the red lotus raised her anarchist, probably a lot would’ve been different/better, but....they didn’t. and korra ended up being a reactionary and conservative avatar who protected monarchs and colonialist politicians. The avatar as a position is completely subject to the whims of whoever is currently the avatar. and not only does that suck for everyone who is not the avatar, not only is it totally unfair to whatever kid who grows up knowing the fate of the world is squarely on their shoulders, but it as a concept is a highly individualist product of the authors’ own western liberal ideas of progress! the idea that one good leader can fix the world (or should even try) based on their own inherent superiority to everyone else is unbelievably flawed and ignores the fact that all real progress is brought about as a result of COMMUNITY work, as a result of normal people working for themselves and their neighbors!

the broader analysis of bending was really interesting to me too, but im honestly not sure i Totally agree with it. the article pretty much accepts the show’s assertion that bending is a privilege (and frankly backs it up much better than the original show did, but whatever), and i don’t think that’s NECESSARILY untrue since it is, like, a physical advantage (the author compares it to, for example, the fact that some people are born athletically gifted and others are born with extreme physical limitations), but i DO think that it discounts the in universe racialization of bending. in any sequel to atla that made sense, bending as a race making fact would have been explored ALONGSIDE the physical advantages it bestows on people. colonialism and its aftermath is generally ignored in this article which is its major weakness i think, especially in conjunction with bending. you can bring up the ideas the author did about individual vs community oriented progress in the avatar universe while safely ignoring the colonialism, but you can’t not bring up race and colonialism when you discuss bending. especially once you get to thinking about how water/earth/airbenders were imprisoned and killed specifically because bending was a physical advantage, and that physical advantage was something that would have given colonized populations a means of resistance and that the fire nation wanted to keep to itself.

i think that’s the best lens thru which to analyze bending tbh! like in the avatar universe bending is a tool that different ethnic groups tend to use in different ways. at its best, bending actually doesn’t represent social power differences (despite representing a physical power difference) because it’s used to represent/maintain community solidarity. like, take the water tribe. katara being the last waterbender, in some way, makes her the last of a part of swt CULTURE. the implication is that when there were a lot of waterbenders in the south, they dedicated their talents to building community and helping their neighbors, because this was something incredibly culturally important and important to the water tribe as a community. the swt as a COLLECTIVE values bending for what it can do for the entire tribe, which counts for basically every other talent a person can have (strength, creativity, etc). the fire nation, by contrast, distorts the community value of bending by racializing it: anyone who bends an element that isn’t fire is inherently NOT fire nation (and therefore inherently inferior) and, because of the physical power that bending confers, anyone who bends an element that isn’t fire is a threat to fire nation hegemony. and in THAT framework of bending, it’s something that intrinsically assigns worth and reifies race in a way that’s conveniently beneficial to the oppressor.

it IS worth talking about how using Element as a way to categorize people reifies nations, borders, and race in a way that is VERY characteristic of white american liberals. i tried to be conscious of that (and the way that elements/bending can act in DIFFERENT ways, depending on cultural context) but i think it’s pretty clear that the writers did intend for element to unequivocally signify nation (and, by extension, race), which is part of why they screwed up mixed families so bad in lok. when they’ve locked themselves into this idea that element=nation=race, they end up with sets of siblings like mako and bolin or kya tenzin and bumi, who all “take” after only one parent based on the element that they bend. which is just completely stupid but very indicative of how the writers actually INTENDED element/bending to be a race making process. and its both fucked up and interesting that the writers display the same framework of race analysis that the canonical antagonists of atla do.

anyway that’s a few thoughts! thank u again for sending the article i really loved it and i had a lot of fun writing this <3

[sanvitheartificer]

Time travel fix it is my favorite trope, but Leverage has nothing to fix. I've thought before about Parker from post-canon going back to the first season and mostly just angst resulting?? it wouldn't be great for anyone. Lately, though, I've been thinking about Eliot going back in time and protecting Hardison from Nate (and also experiencing a lot of the same kinds of angst, but – you're breaking a good timeline, so that's pretty inevitable).

There's a lot of moments where the rest of the team take Hardison for granted, and it's different than ways other team members are treated. Think of all the times Hardison has been asked to do something that is not in his skillset perfectly on extremely short notice: that time he made a perfect forgery of a notebook within like two days, that time he landed a plane, that time Nate hypnotized him without his consent to play a violin solo, that other time he landed a plane.

All of the team is pushed out of their comfort zone sometimes; Parker has a lot of moments where the con depends on her grifting, which is comparable, I think? But it feels different. I don't understand why they wouldn't just contact a forger for the notebook, and there was no reason to hypnotize Hardison without his consent – hypnotism actually works better with a willing subject.

Some of these moments are just the heat of the con and that's the only way out. Sometimes, though, it's Nate pushing. With both Hardison and Parker, I think Nate is trying to push these kids to learn things and be things they wouldn't be able to without the pressure. But he has more respect for Parker's boundaries, because when Parker is pushed too far, sometimes she stabs someone with a fork and dives out a window. Whereas when Hardison is pushed too far, he freaks out in a quiet way that doesn't endanger the con, so it doesn't matter (to Nate) if he goes way past what Hardison feels capable of doing, because Nate knows his boundaries better than Hardison does and Hardison is just a useful little chess piece.

In canon, Eliot never really objects or moves to protect Hardison from Nate, although the instinct of “protect Hardison” develops pretty early. That's because in the first few seasons Eliot needs a good man in charge, someone who he trusts to call the plays who isn't him. Nate doesn't have to be nice, doesn't have to be fun to talk to, doesn't have to treat Eliot or his coworkers well, he just needs to call the plays in a way Eliot is convinced is good. Because at this point Eliot doesn't believe he can choose to do something good, doesn't trust himself to know what's good if it bit him on the ass. He got out of working with Moreau, and it was the hardest thing he'd ever done, and then he was left doing jobs and existing, because at that point it was the only thing he knew how to do. The people he works for aren't Moreau, but they're still the kind of people who'd hire Eliot Spencer, until he works with Nate Ford. So as soon as Eliot works with Nate Ford, he clings to him, yeah, because here is a person who could use Eliot Spencer for good.

But take time travel, and suddenly, Eliot's gone through years of character growth and learned that he can figure out what's the good thing to do, and when he doesn't know, he can lean on Hardison and Parker and they'll help him figure it out. Eliot doesn't need to blindly follow someone halfway-decent anymore. He's never gonna be that kid in the mirror again, with the flag on his shoulder and the hand on his heart; he's never going to trust himself easily to good. But Eliot's done plenty of difficult things and figuring out what the good thing is, every day? That's not on the same planet as the hardest thing he's ever done.

And so here's post-canon Eliot, who knows when Nate's joking and when he's not and doesn't need him in the same way any more. He's got some new perspective. And the first time Nate asks Hardison for something that Eliot knows Hardison could do, but will hurt him to give, Eliot gives him a calm and reasonable speech in the bar after hours about respecting Hardison's boundaries, and he's smiling, and his eyes are relaxed, and Nate is suddenly extremely aware that he works with one of the most dangerous people in the world every day and there's about a dozen opportunities an hour for that to go wrong, if they don't trust each other. And, because he's Nate, he does it again anyway, but he tries.

Or fuck time travel and just write a fic that's “five times someone protected and/or celebrated alec hardison” because come ON hardison is AMAZING and does absolutely fucking mindblowing things on the regular and I want people to very explicitly point it out and appreciate him okay

[incomingalbatross]

So, I was wondering, when it comes to your Greg Pines AU do you have any thoughts on how Wirt would relate to his step-family?

Ooh, thank you! This is a very good ask, especially since I’ve been thinking more about my version of the Pines Family Tree lately. :)

So I actually have two answers to this, dependent on my two variant ideas for this step-family’s origins. I will talk about BOTH, because I can’t choose...although that also makes this pretty long. Sorry.

Background: my background is a little complicated, because for timeline purposes I decided Wirt had to be the baby in that one AToTS shot. THEREFORE, I have decided that Shermie met Wirt and Greg’s mom (her placeholder name is Rachel and they had related jobs in NYC) when she was pregnant with Wirt, but Wirt’s father was already out of the picture because he was Not Good Parent Material. Shermie, though, A) really liked Rachel and B) thought she deserved support regardless, and so he offered said support and also got his mom to befriend Rachel. So Ma Pines happened to be taking care of Baby Wirt temporarily the night Stan was disowned.

Two scenarios branching off from here:

Scenario 1: Things didn’t work out between Rachel and Shermie, they parted ways, and she raised Wirt on her own...only to reconnect some years later when Wirt was seven or eight.

In this scenario, Wirt was at first pretty resentful of Shermie’s presence in their lives, and while he eventually accepted him for his mom’s sake, he assumed that Shermie was only tolerating him for his mom’s sake as well. Greg’s birth also gave Wirt some additional insecurities about his place in their family. HOWEVER, I think the events of OTGW canon got Wirt past some of this and led to growth in their relationship.

He’s met Ma and Filbrick, and they visit Shermie’s family, though Ma maintains contact more than Filbrick does. She treats Wirt and Greg pretty much equally as her grandchildren, but Wirt’s never gotten to know her very well, and is one of those kids who sees family visits as being Awkward and Uncomfortable anyway--he doesn’t like strangers in his home! It’s nerve-wracking! So he doesn’t dislike his step-grandparents, but he doesn’t like them either.

Scenario 2 (which doesn’t line up as well with the apparent Creator’s Intent for OTGW, but I like it): Things DO work out between Shermie and Rachel, they get married while Wirt is still tiny, and he grows up with that arrangement. In fact, by the time he’s a teenager Wirt is completely unaware Shermie is not his birth dad, and finds this out very abruptly shortly before the events of OTGW. His parents swear he used to know this! They didn’t realize he forgot! Wirt, meanwhile, maintains that he NEVER knew this and his life is a LIE...

Basically, this reframes OTGW as Wirt’s extended “What Do You MEAN I’m Adopted?” identity crisis, which entertains me.

Anyway, in this scenario Wirt loves Shermie as his dad and values his good opinion immensely, although he still sometimes feels his dad doesn’t Understand him (because, y’know, Wirt is highly self-conscious and Shermie doesn’t naturally talk about things like poetry and teen angst). After the Shocking Revelation, the “he can’t relate to me” angst is dialed up to about fifteen, along with a sizable helping of Betrayal and insecurity, and leads Wirt to decide that actually they don’t have a real relationship. Shermie is just trying to wait this storm out, basically...and then OTGW happens. Which actually helps a LOT, because A) Wirt acquires some perspective and B) again, Shermie is horrified to have nearly lost BOTH his sons and he shows it.

In this world Wirt knows the Pines parents as his grandparents all along. Ma still has more contact with the family (and Filbrick does not give Wirt and Greg equal treatment, but he’s a jerk all-round so Wirt just registers that as general disapproval of himself), and Wirt is still Awkward and Uncomfortable around them, but I think he’s more at ease with Ma in this one? Probably.

In either case, I’ve decided that Shermie reconnects with Stan not long after OTGW, in fall/winter of ‘83. Prior to this, Wirt was only vaguely aware that Shermie had siblings (Ford wasn’t in touch, Stan obviously wasn’t, and Shermie doesn’t know how to talk about them given all that baggage) and after...I think he eventually learns that there was another brother who died and that it’s too painful to ask anyone about, but that’s it.

After this, Stan doesn’t visit much, for Secret Portal Reasons, but he is happy to meet both boys and occasionally send them presents. Wirt is put off by his loudness and tendency to willfully embarrass others *coughWIRTcough*, so they have a rocky start, but things improve.

(When Wirt was a baby, Teen Stan ADORED him. He was the first baby he’d ever known personally and Stan thought he was just the greatest. He and Ford--who also thought Baby Wirt was amazing--babysat sometimes. There was some casual child endangerment but also Ford would tell him science facts in a Very Serious Voice and Stan would let the baby “punch” him and then dramatically reel back.

Eventually Stan will actually tell Wirt enough of this to get them past the aforementioned rocky start.)

In the end, Wirt probably thinks of Stan as the eccentric relative (which takes doing in this family, admittedly!) whose life was marred by tragedy but who’s still family. They’re not in close contact once Wirt’s an adult but if he ever heard Stan was in trouble, I think he’d step up.

...I feel like there’s a lot more that could be said about Wirt’s relationships here, and I’m not 100% sure of all my conclusions, but it’s what I’ve got tonight. Thank you for asking! Although this may be More Words than you signed up for. :P

[brentwatchesmovies]

Brent’s Top 10 Movies of 2019

Scorsese is probably my favorite living filmmaker, but I’ll be honest, when I heard that Scorsese was making this movie, and *how* he was making it (heavily digital de-aged actors) I was a bit skeptical. De Niro and Pacino haven’t been turning in interesting performances in quite awhile, and Pesci came out of a decades-long retirement for the movie as well. On top of that, the first trailer released did little for me. All that to say I was an idiot to doubt the master.

Scorsese returns to the crime genre that he re-invented many times over the years, this time with the eyes of a man in his 70’s, looking back on his life and career. The movie is very long, but in my opinion, it needs the length. The viewer needs to *feel* the totality of a life, and as is his intent with The Irishman, the *consequences* of this specific life. The final hour or so of this movie feels like a culmination of Scorsese’s career in many ways. The energy and entertainment of a crime/mob epic, with the fatalism and philosophical leanings of a movie like ‘Silence’. It’s a 3.5 hour movie that I’ve already rewatched, and actively want to again, so that alone ought to speak volumes.

Harmony Korine made one of my favorite movies of the 2010’s, the neon-soaked and often misunderstood ‘Spring Breakers’, so I was already in the bag for whatever he did next. When I heard it was a freewheeling stoner comedy where Matthew Mcconaughey plays a guy named ‘Moondog’ costarring Snoop Dogg, I reserved its location on my top 10 list.

This movie doesn’t have the empty heart at its core that defines Spring Breakers, opting instead for a character study about a ‘Florida man’ poet after his life pretty much falls apart. It’s basically plotless, stumbling from one insane, borderline hallucinatory sequence to the next, but I just loved living in the world of this movie. Beach Bum almost feels like a deliriously fun VR simulation of hanging out with Matt McConaughey and his weirdo friends down in the Florida keys. This is one that probably won’t pop up on many top 10 lists but I really adore, and will surely rewatch it a dozen times in the years to come.

Let the record show, I’ve been a huge fan of Bong Joon-ho since I first saw his monster movie/family drama ‘The Host’. Some time later, he went on to make ‘Snowpiercer’, one of my favorite movies of the last decade. All that to say, I think Parasite is probably his best movie, and a true masterwork of thriller direction. It also has his usual brand of social commentary and a script filled with darkness and humor, following a South Korean tendency to juggle multiple tones throughout, sometimes all in one moment or scene.

Parasite also follows a big 2019 trend of commenting on class and social dynamics between the rich and the poor. I think that’s part of why it’s done incredibly well at the box office (especially for a Korean language film), the fact that people can relate in a huge way, regardless of which country your from. Parasite is one of the most entertaining movie viewing experiences I’ve had this year and I’d recommend everyone check it out.

If you were to ask me what the funnest movie-going experience I had in 2019 was, I’d have to pick Rian Johnson’s ‘Knives Out’. Hot off making one of the best Star Wars movies ever made (don’t @ me) Johnson decided to make a passion project in the vein of classic Agatha Christie style murder mysteries, and the results are a total blast. Filled with clever twists and turns, weaponizing the structure of murder-mysteries against the audiences expectations, it stays one step ahead of you the entire time.

Aside from the clever mystery of it all, it’s the actors performances and chemistry that really sell this thing. Jamie Lee Curtis and Toni Collette are expectedly great per usual, and Daniel Craig is having the time of his life as Mississippi private-eye Benoit Blanc, but the heart of the movie is relative newcomer Ana de Armas. She brings an emotional weight and anchor to the movie that always keeps you emotionally invested amidst the terrible, money hungry backstabbing by the other heightened characters. I hope everyone sees this movie and Johnson is able to give us another Benoit Blanc adventure somewhere down the line, I’ll be there opening day.

Nobody makes an upbeat, feel-good movie like Ari Aster does! After last years light and breezy ‘Hereditary’ (which I liked a lot but didn’t totally love) he’s back with a completely riveting and emotionally draining (not to mention horrific) masterpiece. What I connected to most in Midsommar is the journey of Dani, played incredibly by Florence Pugh. The way the film portrays the relationship between her and her dog shit boyfriend played by the (usually) charming Jack Reynor keeps you invested in every twist, perfectly paced out over the movies admittedly long runtime.

I won’t get into spoiler territory, but where this movie goes in the end is what makes this a fully 5-star movie for me. After putting you through hell, like Aster loves to do with bells on, Midsommar ends in a euphoric, psychedelic orgy of music and violence that I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Midsommar rules so hard and I can’t wait for whatever twisted thing Aster cooks up next.

One of my increasingly favorite brands of movies is a finely crafted, primo slice of dad-movie cinema, and James Mangold has made one with Ford v Ferrari. The story chronicles the partnership of ex-racer and designer Carroll Shelby and racer Ken Miles as they work to make a Ford that can compete in the 24 hour race of Le Mans. Bale and Damon are a blast to watch bounce off each other and the race sequences are pretty damn thrilling, combining (what I expect is) a solid amount of great VFX with practical racing to great effect.

I also didn’t expect it to have as much to say about the struggle to create something special by passionate people and not committees while also inside the very machine that churns out products on an assembly line. Just a random note, this original movie was just put out by 20th Century Fox, now owned by Disney but that’s completely unrelated and I’m not sure why I’d even bring that up??? Anyway, I love this movie and dads, moms and everybody else should check it out.

If you saw my list last year, then it must appear like I’m some diehard Mr. Rogers fan. I don’t really have many memories watching his show as a child, but what the documentary ‘Won’t You be my Neighbor’ and this film by Marielle Heller have in common is a shared fascination of his immense empathy and character. It’s only right that America’s dad Tom Hanks should play him, and I was surprised at the end that I was able to get over his stardom and accept him as Rogers. He’s not doing a direct impersonation, and I think it’s all the better for it, instead opting for matching his soft tone and laid back movements.

On a pure emotional level, this movie was a freight train. It didn’t help that the movie covers a lot of father stuff, from losing your own to becoming one yourself (2 big boxes on the Brent bingo card). Heller’s direction is clever in its weaponizing of meta/post-modern techniques, such as one incredible fourth wall break in a diner scene. It literally breaks down the barrier between Mr. Rogers, we the audience, and the films intent to make us feel something.

I cry a lot at movies, that much is well known, but it’s rare that a movie makes me weep, and this one did. Even thinking about scenes right now, days later, my eyes are welling up with tears thinking about the messages of the movie. Mr. Rogers and his lessons of empathy and emotional understanding have rarely been as vital and important as they are right now in our world.

Robert Eggers first film ‘The Witch’ from 2015 is one of my favorite movies of this decade, possibly of all time, so my hype for his black and white, period piece two-hander ‘The Lighthouse’ was through the roof. Even with sky-high expectations, it still blew me away. With dialogue reminiscent of The Witch in its specific authenticity to its era, to the two lead actors giving all-time great performances, It was one of the most entertaining film viewing experiences I had this year.

There’s something about both of Egger’s movies that I really keyed into watching this one: his fascination with shame and the liberation from it. Where Witch was from the female perspective, Lighthouse literally has two farting, drunk men in a giant phallic symbol fighting for dominance. It’s less a horror film than his first, but still utterly engrossing, demented and specific to his singular vision. I can’t wait to see 20 more movies from this guy.

This is another big movie of 2019, like The Irishman, where you can see the director looking inward, at what his films mean and represent. It initially caught me so off guard that I really didn’t know how to feel about it, but after seeing it again, it’s one of my favorites of the year, and probably Tarantino’s filmography overall. More akin to something like Boogie Nights or Dazed and Confused, letting us live with and follow a small group of characters, it mostly doesn’t feel like a Tarantino movie (until the inevitable and shocking explosion of violence in the third act, of course).

‘Hollywood’ is the most sincere and loving movie Tarantino has made, interested in giving us a send off to an era of Hollywood and artists that have been lost or forgotten (Some more tragically than others). In the end, the movie functions similarly to ‘Inglorious Basterds’ in it’s rewriting of history to give us catharsis. “If only things could have worked out this way.” Luckily in movies, removed from the restrictions of reality, they can. And once upon a time in Hollywood, they did.

Uncut Gems probably tripled my blood pressure by the time the credits rolled. A slice-of-life story about a gambler/dealer in New York’s diamond district, the movie follows Howard Ratner, played by Adam Sandler in easily the best performance of his career. Ratner is basically addicted to living at the edge of a cliff, being chased by violent debt collectors, juggling a home life and a relationship with an employee, and fully relying on risky sports bets to stay afloat. It makes for a consistently tense and unique viewing experience, expertly directed by the Safdie brothers.

Something that might not work for everyone but that I personally loved, is the chaotic way in which the movie is shot. What feels like loosely directed scenes, with characters talking over each other and multiple conversations happening at once, adds an authenticity and reality lacking from most other movies. It’s more adjacent to Linklater (thanks to Adam for the comparison) or Scorsese’s earlier films (also fitting, that he’s a producer on this). Following Howard Ratner as his life descends into chaotic hell was one of the best times I’ve had watching a movie this year.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

AVENGERS ENDGAME

DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

BOOKSMART

JOHN WICK CHAPTER 3

THE FAREWELL

AD ASTRA

[patelmansii]

5 Pro Tips for Crafting a Profitable Virtual Tour

The first impression customers get of your company will always be visual. And even though you can help them better understand your brand through brochures and videos, I can guarantee the impact of a superior quality 360° virtual tour is nowhere close to that of ordinary images.

Almost anyone who has ever heard of Virtual Tours knows they’re most popular in the Real Estate Business. People think the concept of virtual property visits and virtual open house tours came into picture just so that real estate agencies can finally make use of their staged photos and 3D renders for their listings in more ways than one.

That’s not unusual. Just unfortunate. Because a virtual tour is way more than just a 360° view of an apartment.

It’s Immersion, Interaction, and Indulgence all in a single experience.

But here’s the thing right. Since its introduction in 1994, Virtual Tours have come a long way.

In today’s age, all businesses - old or new, are using virtual tours to establish their brand.

Here’s the breakdown.

1. Property Developers

Property developers were primarily the first to adopt virtual tours. From architects and  interior designers to real estate brokers, this industry relies on 3D Virtual Tours to attract, market, and sell - Online or Offline. Offering a real-time virtual visit of your properties to clients works wonders, specially in the post covid era, since one does not have to leave their house in order to close deals.

And you can see the results first hand. According to a Profile of Home Staging report by the National Association of Realtors, 77% of real estate agents say staging a virtual tour helps buyers associate a property with their future home.

2. Business Owners

For business owners, virtual tours are a great way to offer real-life training to employees before they start on the field. Whether it’s manufacturing, retail, or other industries, a fully interactive 3D tour is useful for giving the new recruits an immersive insight into the company’s past and present, as well as the workflow especially while working from home.

By digitally simulating the production processes, it’s possible to identify dangerous maneuvers in advance. Automotive giant Ford, for example, has already reduced employees’ injuries by 70 percent thanks to VR.

3. Tourism agencies

For Tourism agencies, it’s pretty straightforward. What better way is there to promote a destination than to take your potential clients to the place virtually?

A 360° virtual tour does just that. It offers a virtual preview of a trip that audiences just can’t ignore. Since it’s the ultimate try before you buy experience for customers, they’re more likely to book a future vacation to a location.

4. Educational Institutes

When it comes to virtual learning, nothing gets more real than Virtual Walkthroughs that bring subjects to life and lets students ‘be there and be them’ in real-time.

Immersive Virtual Tours are a great way to help learn subjects like geography, history, and science.

5. Hotels & Restaurants

Rather than reading advertising descriptions and 2D images, virtual tours offer customers a chance to experience things for themselves before deciding which places they should visit. With an Interactive 360° Walkthrough of a suite, a particular room, or the hotel as a whole, you can increase your online bookings.

Now that you know the possibilities of a virtual tour, the question is - How do you create virtual tours that can deliver a killer impact?

Well, Here’s some pro tips on creating the best 360° Virtual Tour:

1. Use 3D renders & 360° panoramas that put your brand in the best light, literally.

One thing’s obvious - if you want to recreate tours that can eliminate the need to visit your property physically, you would want to use visuals that justify the real-life scenario.

Your renders have to be superior-quality if you want to convert your clients. Here are a few examples of remarkable 3D renders that will inspire you for your next project:

Here the design happens to set a darker tone of lighting for the dining area, so we used reflective surfaces and furniture touches to reflect the light within the room and give an illuminating effect to compliment the design.

Opposite to the first example, this one had a different approach. This render incorporated different textures for various objects that compliment the pastel feels of the design.

You can also use the same render for day and night views or with white and yellow light settings like this.

You should adjust bump, transparency, ambient color, diffuse color, specular color, glossiness, self-illumination, opacity, reflection and more - depending on your design. Since every material requires different adjustment, every imported and adjusted texture contributes to how realistic the rendering can be.

This one uses Corona renderer to provide natural lighting effects to the design.

2. Put your theme in the center.

For a truly customized experience, use your company theme and branding guidelines to craft your virtual tour. You can add logos, brochures, and your brand vision and mission to support your business goals.

3. One size does not fit all.

Make sure you use equirectangular images with dimensions of 4000x8000 or 3000x6000 for creating a smooth experience. Or putting it this way, use images with an aspect ratio of 2:1 (that is, the width must be exactly twice the height).

Another key point is to remember this - make sure your panoramas are less than 25 Mb in size. Larger than that and your virtual tour may take forever to upload.

4. Don’t overdo it.

The devil’s in the details. Editing a virtual tour with a lot of information, gifs, videos, images, etc. can also ruin the experience. So you want to make sure that your 3D tour is informative while also having immersive visuals, high-quality media, captivating descriptions, and even guided navigation elements that can keep your viewers engaged.

5. When adding images or videos, make sure they’re Goldilock Potential.

While embedding images and videos, adjust the depth according to the angle of your renders/panoramas.

This is especially important when you want to experience the tour in VR mode, using a VR headset. Since you’re in a virtual space, real-time, you want to make sure all images and videos are in ‘perspective’.

Do it too much, and important parts of your content will get cropped out. Too little, and your images will look stretched and pixelated. You need to have adjustments with Goldilocks potential, something that’s just right.

And that’s pretty much it. But, before we leave, the biggest pro-tip shall be this - Instead of outsourcing, use a DIY Virtual Tour Software to Create, Edit and Share your virtual tour so you don’t need to be dependent on anyone for customizing and designing it your way.

And just your luck, melzo.com has a free tool to help you do just that! kalaa.melzo.com lets you create a fully interactive 360° virtual tour in minutes, use it for free to create your own virtual tour on the go. You can also use udyog.melzo.com to visualize and collaborate on 3D models of your designs to embed it in your virtual tours.

Also check out noor.melzo.com for Jewellery Manufacturers, Wholesalers, retailers to create and offer AR Try-ons and udyog.melzo.com for 3D Model Collaboration in AR, VR and Hologram and finally mela.melzo.com for hosting all kinds of Virtual/Online events.

Make sure to subscribe to our newsletter for more updates like these!

This blog was originally published on melzo.com

[dontshootmespence]

The Fate That Befell Me

Chapter One - Hot Child in the City

Written By: @heycasbutt and myself

The click of heels against the polished cement floor was the only indication that Holden Ford wasn’t alone. He lifted his head from the thick file on his desk to see you pouring a cup of coffee across the room. 

“Agent Ford.” You smiled warmly and held out your hand. He took it tentatively as though he thought he would break you. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“And you are?” He smiled, rounding the desk and sliding his hands into the pockets of his neatly pressed slacks. 

“Dr. Y/L/N,” You stated, taking a sip of the tepid coffee in your hand and perching on the edge of the desk behind you. 

“I’m, well, you know my name. You can just call me Holden,” The young agent took a step toward you, his eyes darkening. Probably the lighting. “So, Dr?”

You nodded, “Yes. I just graduated a few months ago from the University of Virginia with my PhD in Psychology and a special emphasis in Abnormal Psychology.”

Holden’s eyes seemed to widen in disbelief as you choked back a small laugh. 

“What was it you were looking at when I came in, Agent F-Holden?” You laughed uncomfortably and shifted your weight between your feet. 

“Oh, this? It’s the file we have on Ed Kemper. It’s not much, but I think with a few more visits we’ll have something solid to stand on.”

“Why don’t you show me?” You pried, pushing off the desk and sliding the file off of Holden’s desk. The manila was cool against your hands, you slid a stray chair up to the desk and motioned for Holden to sit next to you.

“So..Kemper. He’s one intimidating motherfucker.”

You laughed softly at his slip of the tongue and watched as the young agent went beet red next to you.

“Literally and figuratively?” You quipped.

“Exactly,” Holden laughed, absentmindedly laying a hand on your knee as he dragged his finger down the page.

The comings and goings of fellow agents, the soft clacking of a typewriter, the distant ring of a telephone. It was all background noise as you listened to Holden. Watched his eyes light up when you interjected with an opinion or asked a question. His curiosity, his drive...it was intoxicating.

                                                              ---

“You’ve interviewed the co-ed killer?! Are you out of your fucking minds?” Shepard exclaimed, vein popping prominently against the side of his neck. “Did anyone sanction this?” He knew the answer. He just wanted you all to dig your own graves. 

Holden was a great agent - innovative, bright, driven, but his social graces left a little to be desired on occasion. “Sir, what we are doing can bring us insight into the criminal mind so that we can prevent this kind of thing from-”

“Spare me the bullshit,” he spat. 

Glancing to the side, you saw Bill attempting to swallow back whatever he was thinking. Holden on the other hand looked like he wanted to vomit out whatever was going on in his brain. 

“You will stop this immediately! Do I make myself clear?” Immediately, Bill nodded, though you could see the hesitation in his eyes. Even Holden agreed, at least to Shepard’s face. But you couldn’t. Not when this would make a difference in the entire field of law enforcement and criminal psychology. As you opened your mouth, you felt Bill put his hand on your shoulder, walking both of you out of Shepard’s office before anything else could be said.

“Bill, what the fuck?” You asked in a hushed whisper as you left the office. “You know this information can change the field. Just because Holden can’t formulate a thought in front of an authority figure doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be lobbying for this.”

Holden side-eyed you, offended. “I can too formulate a thought.”

“Only in front of people you perceive as equals. Then you apply that way of thinking to everyone you meet and not everyone responds the same way.”

You were pretty sure he mumbled bite me under his breath, but you let it go. This wasn’t about ragging on him, this was about making a difference in your field. “We need to lobby for this.”

“Did you see him?” Bill asked, gesturing toward Shepard’s office. “We back talk anymore and his head is going to pop off.”

“Holden?” You asked, hoping he might back you up now. 

“Maybe we approach him at a later date.”

“Good to know I’ve got the biggest balls of the three of us,” you replied, annoyed as you turned on your heels and walked back into Shepard’s office without waiting for an invitation. 

“If you’re here to talk about those interviews Agent Y/L/N, I will have you transferred.”

“Fine,” you said, not giving a shit. You were tired of men not listening. “But I’m going to say my piece then. You said our job is to put these people in prison right?”

“Yes. That is our job, Agent.”

“But you also said we need to quote, get ahead, of these guys. Well, how do you suppose we do that unless we understand why crazy, depraved people do the disgusting things they do. We can’t. We need to study them. Only then can we figure out what drives the sick and deranged so that we can spot future killers.” You caught your breath, realizing you hadn’t taken a breath since you walked back into his office. 

Holden and Bill came up on either side of you, not saying a word as Shepard bit his tongue in thought. “Fine, but you are limited to working on weekends and anything and everything you do will be cleared by me. Understand? You can set up in the basement.”

Vindication. You saw Holden give you a slight smile.

Although by the looks of it you were about to get chewed out by Bill for getting him put away in the basement after more than 20 years in law enforcement.

Oops.

                                                             ---

To protect and serve. It was so cliche it was almost worthy of vomit. But whatever, it was the truth. When someone came from your background, it was only natural to want to protect others. It was what you’d always wanted - to be part of the FBI. Ever since you were a kid, you knew that was where you were going to end up, because you weren’t about to settle for anything less. 

Now that you were here though, you kind of wanted to vomit. Tench was well-known throughout the Bureau, a stand-up family man who worked his ass off and put away some of the worst. Working with him was a privilege. And you had received that privilege. Hopefully, you wouldn’t vomit on his shoe. Tentatively, you knocked on the door, talking through it after he didn’t answer for a moment. “Special Agent Tench?”

“Special Agent Y/L/N,” he greeted warmly, hand outstretched. “Come in.”

He was different than you imagined. Softer. You imagined him having a tougher exterior. Being a hard nut to crack so to speak. Maybe you couldn’t always rely on your own upbringing to figure other people out. Maybe that was judgemental. Well, you weren’t perfect. A work in progress. “Special Agent Tench, it’s-”

“Bill,” he said informally, pulling out a chair for you to sit in. God, you hoped you didn’t blow this interview. 

“Bill,” you replied, the name feeling almost disrespectful but it was what he wanted. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am for the opportunity to interview here.”

“We are looking for someone to transcribe our interviews and another to give us a different perspective in a law enforcement capacity. But we need to weed out the people that are here to gawk and stare at the lust murderers and the like. Can you tell me what started you on the path in law enforcement?”

Wincing, you laughed uncomfortably. “Well, Bill. How much time do you have?”

                                                             ---

Bill lit a cigarette as the heavy metal doors of the elevator opened into the cold, menacing basement. 

“Back to the bottom of the totem pole I guess,” he grumbled, picking up his box of belongings and heading towards the menacing green door at the end of the hallway. 

You trailed behind him like a dog with its tail between its legs.

Bill turned around, taking in your conscience-stricken features and Holden’s incredulous expression.

He turned the key in the door as his stocky frame began to shake with laughter. “I’ve been here 23 years and never have I seen Shepard make that face. That was priceless. But you owe me a coffee for getting me banished...and not the bullshit Bureau coffee.”

“Fine,” you replied, a weight lifting from your chest. 

“But you know I was right.”

“Shut up.”

@stunudo @geekgirlofarchangels @suckdrugsdoass @nicolee-avery @ultrarebelheart @dorianfiftyshadesof-gray @cheesecakewritingappreciation (couldn’t tag your other account) @poppynightingale @starryrevelations @outoftheframework @iammusicaltheatretrash @dreammywitch @ladygrey03 @x-gambit-x @everybodywantstobetouched @santosmariane @cornishdawn-blog @shutupandlearn @mother-of-fandoms-250 @preposterousy @rominatrix

** Please leave feedback consistently (maybe every other or every two chapters). Tagging takes more time than you would think and neither @heycasbutt or I want to take the time if people don’t tell us what they think. @heycasbutt and I wrote this together, so if you like it, tell us! Inbox us and we’ll love you forever.

[theonyxpath]

Our Legendlore KS only has days left to run, and actually ends on Thursday this week, so as my final push for folks to check it out, I’m not going to try and convince you like last week. I’m going to let two excellent writers do that!

Here’s a great description of Legendlore, written, as only he can, by our own Matthew Dawkins:

But why should you back it? Well, in this time where some gamers are clinging on to the notion that “all orcs are evil from birth”, “disability has no place in fantasy adventures” and “there’s no such thing as a good drow” (they haven’t heard of Drizzt), Legendlore says the opposite.

Legendlore is a fantasy setting where diversity is a strength, we don’t shy away from complex societies and cultures, and where you can damn well buy yourself a wheelchair especially designed for dungeon crawling, or sit on a bloody floating disc! This is a game that embraces the fact that it’s magical, it’s wondrous, and yes, there’s evil out there in need of vanquishing, but there’s also a brilliant world to discover and enlightenment and wisdom to be found.

I’m in love with the art, the writing, and skilful design of this game, which uses the 5th Edition system to amazing effect. I’m impressed by the effort and energy Steffie De Vaan and her entire team of writers have poured into it. It’s a game I want to play, and if you feel orcs are better only as black and white villains, I invite you to read the manuscript – which is available as a free download from DriveThruRPG.com – and feel as impressed as I do.

And here’s developer Steffie De Vann’s excellent take on why she loves the game:

Legendlore offers a rich and layered world. No one is born good or evil, nor does it have ‘evil races.’ People come in all colors, genders, orientations, and alignments. You can be a black trans feminine elf & be right at home in the Realm. Our iconics put our ‘money where our mouth is’ – our elf is a trans black woman, our pixie a non-binary person, our dwarf is a combat veteran in a wheelchair, and I could go on. This is a game that believes diversity is strength. It’s an isekai/portal game, and we created Backgrounds ranging from ‘Activist’ and ‘RPG Aficionado’ to ‘Working Poor.’

The world of Legendlore is home to a sentient 1974’s Ford Mustang, parasite mushrooms that try to kill you by YELLING VERY LOUDLY (trust me, it’s effective), sacred Chipmunks, and the descendants of Amelia Earhart running an aviation nation. It pairs this whimsy with a genuinely complex world. For example, the orcs used to live in what’s now the nation of Drohm. Orcs ambassadors are petitioning the other nations to recognize their sovereignty, but doing so would give Drohm the excuse it needs to go to war – and make no mistake, Darkoth the Darklord *wants* to go to war. Are the orcs right? YES. Should the other nations help them out? HECK YES. Is it understandable that the nations are dragging their feet because war is good for no one except the Generals? Also yes. If that sounds like a conundrum you want to tackle, and sway the fate of Azoth, this is a game for you.

If that sound good to you, go check us out on KS. And if you’re still on the fence – there’s a link in there to a free preview manuscript.

In fact, Steffie has been posting examples of the Legendlore characters she mentions above:

This is Aaliyah, our elven iconic. She’s a Black trans woman who uses a mix of ASL and forestspeak signs to communicate. She’s a peaceful ambassador foremost, but doesn’t back down from a fight when it comes to that.

This is Najda, our dwarven iconic. She is a Muslim army vet who was wounded during her tour in Afghanistan. She now works in a Los Angeles comic book store, where she discovered a crossing into the world of Legendlore.

Here’s Jada, our pixie iconic. Pixies are born agender, and choose a gender as they grow up. Feminine pixies have 2 antenna, masculine pixies have 0, and non-binary pixies have 1. Pixies are as fierce as they are small, they love laughing and hate bullies.

There you go, and here’s the link to the Legendlore Kickstarter: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/339646881/legendlore-rpg-setting-for-5th-edition-fantasy-roleplaying-0

Let the Streets Run Red art by Oliver Specht

Besides Legendlore, What Else?

Just a warning, and it may just be a short-term issue, but right now it seems that we can’t ship anything to Canada or Mexico. We haven’t yet heard whether we can receive packages from those countries, but since our most prolific printers are based in Canada, we may experience some delays in our traditionally printed projects.

Right now, we’re only having issues with getting the physical printer proofs sent back and forth for approvals, and not the actual books themselves.

You’d think after all the panels and Actual Playing I did during the Onyx Path Virtual Gaming Con a few weeks ago that I’d be all talked out. Well, that does not seem to be the case. Ever.

Naw, I love telling folks about what Onyx Path is and the game worlds we make! I just can’t help myself, we have so many exciting and fun things going on!

Last week, Mike and the gang over at the This Week In Geek podcast interviewed me about WW and Onyx Path, and it turned into a sort of oral history of how the companies transformed into each successive version, and just where game lines branched off to different companies and editions.

If that sort of stuff is interesting for you, here ya go: http://thisweekingeek.net/news/interviews/fan-service-interview-rich-thomas-onyx-path-june-2020

Then this weekend, I sat in on a retrospective of the Art of Mage at Ascension Con 2020 along with Satyros Phil Brucato and artists Mark Jackson and Echo Chernik. Echo took on the slideshow duties and we all discussed the Mage art that came up as it appeared.

That was pretty great, and it was certainly a treat to chat with folks I haven’t talked to in years. Hopefully, that recording will show up on YouTube soon and we’ll get you all a link.

Cults of the Blood Gods art by Thomas Denmark

What wasn’t great last week were a couple of issues that we needed to deal with. While we dealt with them as best as we could, we realized that at core our little crew of folks here are simply not HR experts. And more importantly, we shouldn’t try to be.

We need to concentrate on making great games and amazing worlds, like we do.

Which means that tomorrow, I’m interviewing our current best prospect for an HR point-of-contact for the company. Someone who is HR trained and has worked in HR at other companies. And very important for us, someone who is unconnected to Onyx Path and has never been a gamer or in the TTRPG business.

We need someone who doesn’t have the connections or baggage that might make it hard to be objective when they review HR concerns. Hopefully, my interview is the one, and once everything is good to go we’ll include info concerning them prominently on our website so folks know who to contact.

I mean, it’s important that our worlds are all about excitement, and fear, and victory, and defeat. What our creators and community go through in the real world shouldn’t also require all those moments. We want everyone playing our games and reading our books to be safe while they explore our:

Many Worlds, One Path!

Blurbs!

Kickstarter!

The Legendlore Kickstarter is in its last few days and ends this Thursday, and now we’re really building towards Stretch Goals: the GM’s Screen, and starting the Legendlore Companion book PDF!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/339646881/legendlore-rpg-setting-for-5th-edition-fantasy-roleplaying-0

Grab your friends and escape to another world!

You’ve found an enchanted portal — a transition point — between worlds. The portal, called a Crossing, takes you to a world you thought only existed in novels and films: a magical land where dragons roam the skies, orcs and hobgoblins terrorize weary travelers, and unicorns prance through the forest. It is a world where humans join other peoples such as elves, trolls, dwarves, changelings, and the dreaded creatures who steal the night. It is a world of fantasy — of imagination.

It is the Realm.

It is Legendlore.

Next Up On Kickstarter: They Came From Beyond the Grave!

Onyx Path Media!

This week: the return of the return of the Scion Actual Play as Eddy and Dixie’s characters dig further into the machinations of the gods!

As always, this Friday’s Onyx Pathcast will be on Podbean or your favorite podcast venue! https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

All our panels and games from Onyx Path Virtual Gaming Convention are still available on twitch.tv/theonyxpath! All you need to do is head on over to the website and subscribe. If you have an Amazon Prime account, you can do so for free and access our entire catalogue of videos!

Legendlore‘s Kickstarter is coming to an end, but Jen Vaughn’s actual play is still going on our Twitch channel every week on Friday night! Lost in the Crossing is an amazing story played through by a fantastic GM and excellent roleplayers, and handles the Legendlore world from the perspective of visitors and native inhabitants of the Realm! Make sure you’re tuning in every Friday or catching up afterwards by subscribing.

That’s not all for Legendlore, as we have actual plays by Steffie de Vaan and Corinne McCrory over on our YouTube channel, which you can find here https://youtu.be/UaQXSlEatDw and here https://youtu.be/RRvnJOrmNzM! Please give our GMs some support and tune in!

This week on Twitch, expect to see:

V5 – Chicago by Night

Realms of Pugmire – Paws & Claws

Legendlore – The Metal Scourge

Dystopia Rising: Evolution – Thieves of Old York

They Came from Beneath the Sea! – They Came from Devil’s Reef!

Changeling: The Dreaming – The Last Faerie Tale

Mage: The Awakening – Occultists Anonymous

Legendlore – Lost in the Crossing

Scarred Lands – Purge of the Serpentholds

Chronicles of Darkness – Tooth and Claw

Deviant: The Renegades – A Cautionary Tale

Get watching for some fantastic insight into how to run these wonderful games.

Come take a look at our YouTube channel, youtube.com/user/theonyxpath, where you can find a whole load of videos of actual plays, dissections of our games, and more, including:

Legendlore – The Metal Scourge: https://youtu.be/ECRrErPLm64

Storytellers with Coffee – Safety Tools: https://youtu.be/FjG-YbG_Q1k

Mage: The Ascension – Technocracy Reloaded: https://youtu.be/9Al7ZdkLGiM

Even more Legendlore – The Metal Scourge: https://youtu.be/RRvnJOrmNzM

#OnyxPathCon | How to Write for TTRPGs [Panel]: https://youtu.be/UKmJQEhInP8

Subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon if you want to be notified whenever new news videos and uploads come online!

Occultists Anonymous continues right here with their excellent Mage: The Awakening chronicle:

Episode 108: Car-V Heist While Songbird prepares for a dangerous summoning, Atratus and Wyrd hit the junkyards with an overly elaborate plan to make an overly elaborate gift. How very Mage of them… https://youtu.be/wSy3c74jkfM

Episode 109: Crown of Blood Wyrd and Atratus enjoy the joy of a well-made gift and the good vibes that comes with that. Songbird joins together with Hadramiel to summon an Angel of Death to anoint a Vampire Prince in power. https://youtu.be/QxB6Ml6uStY

A Bunch of Gamers continue their actual play of They Came from Beneath the Sea! and conclude it with a mini review: https://youtu.be/qIMwcOZmR8k

The Botch Pit have released a wonderful new guide for Changeling: The Lost right here. Do give them a like and a subscribe: https://youtu.be/Bd0UZQZt2OM

Please check these out and let us know if you find or produce any actual plays of our games! We’d love to feature you!

Electronic Gaming!

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is awesome! (Seriously, you need to roll 100 dice for Exalted? This app has you covered.)

On Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue from which you bought it. Reviews really, really help us get folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these latest fiction books:

Our Sales Partners!

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire and Monarchies of Mau out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there! https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

We’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

Now, we’ve added Changeling: The Lost Second Edition products to Studio2‘s store! See them here: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/all-products/changeling-the-lost

Scion 2e books and other products are available now at Studio2: https://studio2publishing.com/blogs/new-releases/scion-second-edition-book-one-origin-now-available-at-your-local-retailer-or-online

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

And you can order Pugmire, Monarchies of Mau, Cavaliers of Mars, and Changeling: The Lost 2e at the same link! And now Scion Origin and Scion Hero and Trinity Continuum Core and Trinity Continuum: Aeon are available to order!

As always, you can find Onyx Path’s titles at DriveThruRPG.com!

On Sale This Week!

Available this Wednesday, we present Dystopia Rising: Evolution shirts and posters on our RedBubble store!

Conventions!

Though dates for physical conventions are subject to change due to the current COVID-19 outbreak, here’s what’s left of our current list of upcoming conventions (and really, we’re just waiting for this last one to be cancelled even though it’s Nov/Dec). Instead, keep an eye out here for more virtual conventions we’re going to be involved with:

PAX Unplugged: https://unplugged.paxsite.com/

And now, the new project status updates!

Development Status from Eddy Webb! (Projects in bold have changed status since last week.):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep.)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

Adversaries of the Righteous (Exalted 3rd Edition)

The Devoted Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

Saints and Monsters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Anima

M20 Technocracy Operative’s Dossier (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

Squeaks In The Deep (Realms of Pugmire)

Redlines

Dragon-Blooded Novella #2 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Hundred Devil’s Night Parade (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Novas Worldwide (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Exalted Essence Edition (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Wild Hunt (Scion 2nd Edition)

CtL 2e Novella Collection: Hollow Courts (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

Second Draft

Many-Faced Strangers – Lunars Companion (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Mission Statements (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Contagion Chronicle Ready-Made Characters (Chronicles of Darkness)

Trinity Continuum: Adventure! core (Trinity Continuum: Adventure!)

Dead Man’s Rust (Scarred Lands)

The Clades Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

V5 Forbidden Religions (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

M20 Rich Bastard’s Guide To Magick (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

V5 Children of the Blood (was The Faithful Undead) (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Development

TC: Aberrant Reference Screen (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle: Global Outbreaks (Chronicles of Darkness)

Exigents (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Assassins (Trinity Continuum Core)

V5 Trails of Ash and Bone (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Kith and Kin (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

Manuscript Approval

Crucible of Legends (Exalted 3rd Edition)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Under Alien Skies (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

N!ternational Wrestling Entertainment (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Post-Approval Development

Editing

Lunars Novella (Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Player’s Guide to the Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Contagion Chronicle Jumpstart (Chronicles of Darkness)

TC: Aberrant Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Trinity Continuum Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum)

Masks of the Mythos (Scion 2nd Edition)

LARP Rules (Scion 2nd Edition)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

The Book of Lasting Death (Mummy: The Curse 2e)

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (They Came From!)

Scion: Dragon (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Demigod (Scion 2nd Edition)

Dearly Bleak – Novella (Deviant: The Renegades)

Post-Editing Development

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

W20 Shattered Dreams Gift Cards (Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th)

Cults of the Blood Gods (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Hunter: The Vigil 2e core (Hunter: The Vigil 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Monsters of the Deep (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

Pirates of Pugmire KS-Added Adventure (Realms of Pugmire)

Tales of Aquatic Terror (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Terra Firma (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

One Foot in the Grave Jumpstart (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2e)

Indexing

Art Direction from Mike Chaney!

In Art Direction

Tales of Aquatic Terror – Handing off to Meredith to AD.

WoD Ghost Hunters (KS) – Prepping KS assets.

Aberrant – AD’d. Sketches from HIVE in.

Hunter: The Vigil 2e

Mummy 2

Deviant

Legendlore – KS running.

Technocracy Reloaded (KS)

Cults of the Blood God – Rolling along.

Scion: Dragon (KS) – Waiting on art notes.

Masks of the Mythos (KS) – Pinging potential cover and fulls artist.

Scion: Demigod (KS) – Art rolling. KS assets AD’d.

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (KS) – Prepping KS assets.

TC: Adventure! (KS) – Shen Fei cover art finishing.

Geist: One Foot In the Grave – AD’d.

In Layout

Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad

Vigil Watch

TC Aeon Terra Firma

V5 Let the Streets Run Red – working layout now.

Pugmire Adventure

Scion Titanomachy

Proofing

Trinity Aeon Jumpstart – Errata gathering.

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate – Page XXs.

Contagion Chronicle – Backer PDF out to backers, gathering errata.

Cavaliers of Mars: City of the Towered Tombs

Magic Item Decks (Scarred Lands)

Yugman’s Guide Support Decks (Scarred Lands)

Dark Eras 2 Screen and booklet

At Press

Scion Companion – Awaiting errata from devs.

TCFBTS Heroic Land Dwellers – PoD files uploaded.

TCFBTS Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

They Came from Beneath the Sea! – Press proofs signed off on, PoD files uploaded.

Creature Collection 5e – PoD proof ordered. Traditional files sent to printer.

Pirates of Pugmire – Files at press. PoD proofs ordered.

Pirates of Pugmire Screen – Files at press.

Pugmire Buried Bones – PoD files uploaded.

Changeling: The Lost 2nd Edition Dark Eras Compilation – Creating PoD file.

Today’s Reason to Celebrate!

This coming week is a big one for our household with the birthdays of two of our widdle kiddies (really not widdle at all any more), and the July 4th celebration of the American colonies’ independence from Great Britain! “And just as Tom here has written, we say To Hell With Great Britain!” Sorry, Matthew…

In sadder news, we acknowledge the passing of Jim Holloway, noted artist for Paranoia and Star Frontiers and many early issues of Dragon Magazine. Personally, I very much enjoyed his style, and he brought a technical expertise and a sense of humor to the early TTRPG business that it sorely needed.

[thelastspeecher]

Recoil - Chapter 3: Collateral Damage

Chapter 1   Chapter 2   Chapter 3   Chapter 4   AO3

Whoops, this went up a little late.  I was busy eating too much food for Thanksgiving and then traveling yesterday; I didn’t get a chance to post it.  But here it is!  And here, I’m beginning to unravel a few of the plot threads I spun up.  Hopefully this chapter answers a few questions and raises a few more.

(Again, this fic was inspired by “1 Step Forward, 20 Years Back” by @infriga)

Collateral damage (noun): damage that is unintended or incidental to the intended outcome

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

              The kitchen was filled with a surge of hyperactive energy so strong that Stan could feel his own fingers and toes buzzing from merely being in the room. The source of the energy was Ford, who couldn’t seem to decide what exactly he was doing.  He manically rocketed from the table to the counter to the stove to the fridge.  Stan managed to grab Ford during one of the short sprints.

              “Okay, here’s the deal,” he said firmly.  “You’re at twenty.  I’m gonna need you to dial it back to about three.”  Ford wriggled in his arms.

              “But Fiddleford is-”

              “I get that you’re excited your friend’s coming over, but you’ve gotta calm down.  I swear, I’m gonna trip over you if you keep this up.”

              “But-”

              “The best way to rein in an out of control child ain’t exactly calm discussion,” a voice said.  Ford froze. Fiddleford appeared in the entryway to the kitchen.  “A sit’ation like this is resolved by threatenin’ to withhold the thing the kidlet’s excited ‘bout.”  Fiddleford fixed an analytical gaze on Ford.  “Of course, my experience comes from dealin’ with actual children, not scientists what landed themselves in hot water.”

              “Uh, hey, Fiddlesticks,” Stan said.

              “Fiddleford,” Ford and Fiddleford corrected.

              “Yeah.  That.”

              “Hope ya don’t mind that I let m’self in.  Still had my old key.”

              “Your old-”  Stan frowned. “Did you live here with Ford?”

              “Fer a while, sure,” Fiddleford said vaguely.

              “You guys really need to fill me in on your history,” Stan said.  He looked down at Ford.  “I’m gonna let you go now, but if you try to tackle Fiddle…ford, I swear, I’ll lock you in your room.”  Ford pouted.  “Don’t make that face at me.  Are you gonna be calm now?”

              “…Yes,” Ford mumbled.

              “Good.”  Stan released Ford, who, after a split second of standing completely still, bolted out of the room.  “Son of a- he better not break anything.”  Stan looked at Fiddleford.  “I think once he runs off some of that energy, he’ll be ready to talk.” Fiddleford merely nodded silently. “Last week, he caught something that put him in bed for days.  I forgot how wild kids get once they bounce back from being sick.”

              “Mm-hmm.”  Fiddleford looked in the direction Ford had rushed off.  “Say, has he been actin’ like a kid a lot?”

              “Uh, depends.  Some days, he seems more like a kid than others.  Like today, he-”  Ford ran into the kitchen again and skidded to a halt in front of Fiddleford, papers in his arms.  Fiddleford looked at Stan meaningfully.

              “We’ll have this conversation later,” he said.  Stan nodded.  Ford looked back and forth between Stan and Fiddleford.

              “What conversation?”

              “Sharing parenting tips,” Stan said, playfully ruffling Ford’s hair. Ford shoved his hands away.

              “Fiddleford told you about his son already?  Did he show you the pictures he keeps in his wallet?” Ford asked. Stan frowned.

              “What?”  He looked at Fiddleford.  “You’ve got a kid.”

              “…Yes,” Fiddleford said quietly.  He cleared his throat.  “Tate’s in California with his mom right now.”

              “Oh.”  Stan looked at Ford again.  “What you got there?”

              “Data!” Ford said cheerfully, holding up the papers in his arms.  “I thought that once we convinced Fiddleford to help, he could go over the data with me and we could work on coming up with a cure.”  Fiddleford raised an eyebrow at him.

              “Well, the first step there is convincin’ me to help.  So we best start with that step, ‘cause I ain’t leanin’ in yer favor quite yet.”  Ford grinned.

              “Right.”  He gestured at the kitchen table.  “Please, Fiddleford, take a seat.  Stanley and I will make our case.”

              Despite – or maybe because of – Fiddleford’s protests that he still might not help, Stan didn’t believe it for a second.  Fiddleford kept watching Ford with a fondness that Stan guessed came from having a son of his own.  Every now and then, Fiddleford’s expression sharpened, like he’d remembered who Ford was, but overall, Fiddleford seemed much softer than he’d been in the library when he’d cursed Ford’s name.

              “So, like I said, Stanley has done a remarkably good job at assisting me in general care, but he lacks the scientific expertise to assist in the discovery of both the cause of my regression and the potential cure,” Ford finished.  Fiddleford sat back in his seat, feigning a thoughtful demeanor that Stan could see right through.

              “I see,” Fiddleford said slowly.  He took a breath.  “Well, I ain’t exactly the kind of person who would turn down such an eloquent request from a child.”  He looked at Stan.  “Though I’d like to hear yer perspective on this, Stanley.”  Stan blinked, surprised.

              “Uh, basically, just what Ford said.  I can reach things for him and take him places, but I can’t do anything in the lab.”

              “Hmm.”  Fiddleford steepled his fingers.  He let out a small sigh.  “I’ll help.” Ford jumped up in his chair.  “I ain’t goin’ near that portal, though. I’ll look over the data you’ve collected, see if there’s somethin’ Stanford missed.”  Ford beamed.

              “Excellent!”  His stomach rumbled.  “…Oh.” Ford looked at Stan.  “Stanley, would you-”

              “I can see about doin��� something for dinner,” Stan said.  “Why don’t you and Fiddlewhatever start going over some of that data of yours while I whip up some spaghetti and meatballs, huh?”  Ford beamed again.  Out of the corner of his eye, Stan could see Fiddleford’s look shift to contemplative.

              “Will do.”  Ford gathered the papers he’d brought into the kitchen.  “Fiddleford, we can talk in the living room.”  He shot a glare at Stan.  “Stanley claims he needs silence to cook well.”

              “I can’t help it.  Gotta be able to focus,” Stan said airily.  Ford rolled his eyes and hopped off his chair.

              “If you say so.  By the way, his name is Fiddleford.  Say it correctly.”  Ford marched into the living room.  Fiddleford glanced at Stan as he followed Ford out.  Their eyes met.  Stan felt a shiver run down his spine at Fiddleford’s expression.  He shook the feeling away and began gathering what he needed for dinner.

              That bag of skin and bones is damn perceptive, isn’t he?  He won’t be as easy to fool as Ford.

----- 

              Most engineers had the reputation of being better with machines than people. Fiddleford considered himself an exception.  Sure, there were days that he felt more comfortable with nuts and bolts and scrap metal, but he’d never been one to struggle to understand people.  Growing up with five siblings and more cousins than you could shake a stick at would do that.  So he knew from the second he walked into the eerily clean house that something odd was going on.

              Luckily, after bein’ in Gravity Falls fer so long, I’m experienced in oddities.  Fiddleford sat silently at the kitchen table while he watched Stan attempt to get Ford into bed.  A process that began with verbal commands, then progressed quickly to Stan physically picking Ford up and taking him somewhere else.  Fiddleford pursed his lips.  Stanford’s never particularly enjoyed sleep, but I haven’t seen his protests be so immature before.  He looked down at the data spread out on the table.  That fits with what I’m seein’ here.  At some point during his visit, it had begun to rain.  The distinct drumming of raindrops soothed his frazzled, frantic mind.  This data tells me what happened, but not how.  How did the portal malfunction in this way?

              “Sorry about that,” Stan said, walking into the kitchen again.  “Ford hates that I make him go to bed at 8:30, but if he doesn’t, he turns into a gremlin the next day.”  Fiddleford waved a hand.

              “That ain’t no problem.  Children need their sleep.  Even if they’re really in their late twenties.”

              “Heh.  Yeah.” Stan sat down across from Fiddleford. “You want something to drink?  Ford had a years’ supply of coffee when I showed up. Or if you want something stronger, I’m pretty sure there’s some liquor around here somewhere.”  Fiddleford shook his head.

              “No need fer drinks.  I’m a bit surprised ya haven’t just tossed the coffee out, though.  Stanford’s addicted to it somethin’ fierce, and it ain’t good fer children.  It’ll stunt their growth.”

              “Well, I tried hiding it at first,” Stan said, “but then he found it and made some while I was out.  For some reason, though, he didn’t have more than a sip.  He said it tasted terrible.”  Stan shrugged.  “I tried some.  It wasn’t the best coffee I’d ever had, but it definitely wasn’t the worst.” Fiddleford nodded, not surprised by this.  Again, it seemed in line with the readouts from the portal that Ford had showed him.

              Immature tastes to match an immature body.

              “I have to say, Stanley, I’m impressed,” Fiddleford said.  He clasped his hands together and tried to ignore how his fingers were far too thin.  Stan eyed him suspiciously.

              “Really?”  Stan’s tone was doubtful, bordering on incredulous.

              Almost like he don’t believe someone would be impressed with him. Fiddleford chewed on that thought for a moment.  That’s somethin’ to pursue later.

              “Yes.  You seem to have taken to this like a fish to water,” Fiddleford replied calmly.  Stan blew out an impatient breath.

              “With what? The weird shit here?”

              “Well, yes, though that wasn’t what I was referrin’ to.”  Fiddleford met Stan’s eyes.  Stan stared determinedly back.  “I was referrin’ to fatherhood.”  He’d expected Stan to either brush off the compliment or soak in it – that was how Ford tended to respond, after all.  Stan did neither.  Fury clouded his eyes.  Stan shot up, the force of his movement tossing the chair he’d been sitting in. It slammed against the wall.

              “Listen, Fiddledork,” Stan snarled.

              “Fiddleford-”

              “Ford’s not my son.  He’s my brother.”

              “I know.  I wasn’t tryin’ to imply otherwise.”

              “Then what the hell were you implying?”

              “It’s just…”  Fiddleford trailed off.  He glanced down at his worn and stained clothes.  “I mentioned my son, Tate.  He’s ten now.”  Fiddleford looked up again.  Stan locked his gaze with Fiddleford’s once more.  “I know from experience how difficult it is to be in charge of a young boy. Sure, the circumstances here are dif’rent.  Stanford’s technically an adult, after all.  But just judgin’ by the few things I saw earlier and the information you’ve given me, I get the feelin’ it’s not quite as dif’rent as one would expect.” Stan reddened.  His gaze immediately dropped to the table.

              “…Fine.”  Stan rubbed his face.  “It- it feels like I’m taking care of a kid more and more.  Ford refuses to take baths, won’t eat vegetables, and fights with me when I try to get him to go to bed.  At first, he did those things without arguing.  He knew that he needed to in order to stay healthy.  Kids can’t run on fumes all the time like Ford had been before I showed up.  And he knew that.”  Stan grabbed his chair, brought it back to the table, and sat down.  “But lately, it’s like he’s forgotten all of that.”

              “He hasn’t forgotten.  He’s just slippin’ into a more childlike mindset.  It’s more difficult fer him to think rationally and logically right now.”

              “Why?” Stan demanded.  “He was fine at first.  What-” Stan’s breath caught in his throat. “Is it my fault that he’s becoming more of a kid?”

              “No!  No, not at all,” Fiddleford said quickly.  “It has to do with the source of his regression.”  Stan straightened.

              “You figured out what caused it, then?  Already?”

              “Yes and no.”  Fiddleford clasped his hands.  “Luckily, Stanford has been runnin’ some tests on himself from day one, usin’ equipment I designed myself.  He wasn’t able to interpret the data, but I could.”  Fiddleford began to shuffle through the papers on the table.  “The output from the portal on the day this whole thing started indicates that the energy you saw hit Ford was from another dimension.”

              “Another dimension?”

              “Another reality,” Fiddleford said.  “Multiverse theory holds that there’s an infinite number of universes, some similar to ours, some drastically different, all of ‘em theoretically accessible if one punches a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum.” Stan furrowed his brow.

              “That’s what the machine in the basement does?” he asked.  “It rips the fabric of the universe?”

              “Essentially, yes.”  Fiddleford cocked his head.  “Have ya heard of multiverse theory before?”

              “Uh, no, not exactly.”  Stan rubbed the back of his neck.  “I read a lot of comic books when I was a kid, though, and this sounds like some of the stuff that happened in my favorite titles.”  Stan let out a small, dry laugh.  “Of course my brother would be making the stuff from comic books real.” Fiddleford smiled slightly.  “How do you know the lightning I saw was from a different dimension?”

              “The sensors in the basement recognized it as havin’ a dif’rent energy signature than things in this universe.”

              “What do you mean by energy signature?” Stan asked slowly. Fiddleford hummed.

              “How familiar are ya with quarks and wave-particle duality?”

              “…I don’t know what either of those things are.”  Stan looked away.  “I dunno if Ford told you anything about me when you two were nerding out earlier, but I didn’t even graduate high school.  I’m not a genius like Ford.  I’m not smart at all.”

              “I highly doubt that,” Fiddleford said.  Stan snorted.  “There are dif’rent forms that intelligence takes.  Fer example, my pa, he didn’t graduate high school, either.  But he knows how to run a farm and manage a fam’ly. Two things that Stanford, fer all his brains, would have no idea to do.  I have the philosophy that everyone is smart in some way.  It’s just that all ways of bein’ smart don’t get recognized as such.”  Stan was silent.  The sound of rain hitting the roof filled the room.  Fiddleford cleared his throat.  “…Anyways, if yer not familiar with the concepts I mentioned, ya prob’ly won’t get much out of my explanation.”

              “Probably,” Stan mumbled.

              “Just know that the energy what hit Ford wasn’t from this universe.” Stan nodded.  “And right now, Ford isn’t from this universe, either.” Stan’s eyes widened.  He whipped his head back around to stare at Fiddleford.

              “What?!” he yelped.  Fiddleford held up his hands.

              “Maybe I should’ve phrased that more delicately.  The lil boy sleepin’ right now is still the Stanford we both know.” Stan relaxed.  “But at the same time, he’s not.”  Stan pinched the bridge of his nose.

              “I’m not in the mood for riddles,” Stan said, exasperated.

              “Okay.”  Fiddleford took a breath.  “He’s currently givin’ off the same energy signature as the electricity ya saw. Every part of him is.  I’ll see ‘bout runnin’ some tests tomorrow to confirm this, but it seems to me like every cell was rewritten to match the Stanford of the dimension that energy came from.”  Fiddleford drummed his fingers on the table.  “That would account fer the behavioral and mental changes both you and Stanford have told me about.”

              “How?”

              “He’s essentially a child again.  Just with the memories of bein’ an adult.  A lot of skills can only be developed once yer brain finishes properly developin’.  An eight-year-old don’t have a well-developed brain, so Stanford doesn’t have access to those skills he used to know.  Skills like logical reasoning or emotional regulation.”

              “That might explain why he’s been acting like a kid, but why has it been getting worse?” Stan asked.

              “I don’t have a definitive answer, but I think it’s ‘cause he’s beginning to adjust.  Initially, I’m assumin’ he struggled against his new body’s limits, and that new body also fought against him a bit, too.  But as he’s gotten used to this, his mind is adjusting to fit his body.” Fiddleford shrugged.  “That’s my theory, of course.  Could be completely wrong.  I ain’t a psychologist or a biologist by any means.”

              “Does that mean the longer it takes to fix Ford, the more difficult it’ll be?” Stan asked hoarsely.  “The longer he stays a kid, the less likely he’ll be able to act like an adult when he’s back to normal?”

              “I doubt it.  Once we figure out a way to turn Ford back into the Ford from this reality, his mind should follow suit.  The mind is more malleable than ya think.”  Fiddleford pursed his lips.  “The bad news here, though, is that I don’t have the foggiest idea of how to fix this. My, uh, my mind ain’t quite what it used to be.”

              “Why?” Stan asked.  Fiddleford tensed.  “Does it have to do with why you and Ford are on the rocks?”

              “I’d rather not get into it,” Fiddleford mumbled.  “It ain’t relevant to this.”

              “You just said that it’ll make it difficult for you to fix Ford.  Sounds relevant to me.”

              “I can handle it.  Especially with Ford to help here and there.”  Fiddleford eyed Stan.  “While we’re alone, I have to ask ya somethin’.”

              “Shoot.”

              “Stanford never told me he had a twin brother.  Why’s that?”

              “I-”  Stan tensed, just like Fiddleford had moments ago.  “It’s a long story.  And one I’m not gonna tell if you don’t tell me about your history with Ford.”  He smirked slightly, like he’d won some sort of argument.

              “Fair,” Fiddleford said.  Stan seemed a bit disappointed that Fiddleford hadn’t fought back further. He cleared his throat.

              “We know how Ford got turned into a kid.  But why?  Why did the portal do this to him?”

              “Honestly?”  Fiddleford looked out the window.  He could see a few gnomes scampering at the edge of the woods, despite the rain.  “I have no idea.”

----- 

              Over breakfast, Fiddleford told Ford what he had discovered.  Ford pushed his plate of toast away angrily.

              “Hey, it took me forever to figure out how to turn the toaster off of the ‘possessed’ setting,” Stan protested.  Ford glared at him.

              “You spoke about important matters while I was sleeping.  Sleeping, might I remind you, because of your inane rules that I currently lack the physical capability to circumvent,” Ford spat. Stan picked up one of Ford’s slices of toast and took a bite.

              “Now I get why you’re not hungry.  You ate a dictionary for breakfast.”

              “I-”  Ford crossed his arms.  He turned to Fiddleford.  “F, are you sure of your conclusions?”

              “‘Bout as sure as I can be,” Fiddleford said gently.  He’d left the previous night after talking to Stan and returned in the morning.  Stan assumed he had gone to his own home, but wasn’t completely sure, since Fiddleford was dressed in the same rumpled clothes as the day before.  Despite that, he had clearly showered or bathed, judging by his damp hair, something Stan was relieved by.

              I had to literally drop Ford fully clothed in the tub two days ago. Stan took another bite of the toast he’d made for Ford.  He doesn’t need to get any ideas about not bathing.  For what seemed like the millionth time, Stan felt the irony of the current situation beating at him.  Of all the people in the world, I’m the last one who should be telling someone else to shower or eat or sleep.

              “Effectively, the portal used the Stanford Pines of this alternate reality as a blueprint,” Ford said slowly.  Stan shook away his thoughts and focused on what Ford was saying.  “And for materials, used me.”

              “Yessir.”

              “It also used that blueprint to remake my clothes, using what I was wearing at the moment,” Ford said with a small sigh.  He rubbed the fabric of his pants – the same pair the portal had created weeks ago – absentmindedly.  “I have to admit, I’m rather relieved by that.  Dealing with being a child again is bad enough.  It would have been even worse if I had been left without clothes that fit me properly.”

              “Or without your glasses,” Stan said.  Ford grimaced.

              “Yes, it would be remarkably difficult to find the appropriate eyewear for me, had the portal not provided it.  I dare say that even you would have difficulty stealing glasses with my prescription without knowing what the proper prescription was.”

              “Hmm.”  Stan frowned thoughtfully.  “I’ll have to think about that one.”  Fiddleford raised his eyebrows.

              “I certainly hope yer not plannin’ a heist, Stanley.  After all, Stanford’s perfectly fine with the glasses he’s got now.”

              “Yeah, yeah,” Stan said dismissively, still trying to work out how he would handle stealing glasses for Ford.  Fiddleford sighed.  He looked at Ford.

              “Do ya have any questions fer me?” Fiddleford asked.  Ford shook his head.

              “I understand everything you’ve told me.  I- I’m still struggling to understand how you interpreted the data, but I don’t need to in order to understand the results.”  Ford slouched forward in his seat, resting his arms on the table.  “I’m not looking forward to the gradual loss of my adult behaviors and skills that this seems to entail.  I wonder if I’ll even notice when it begins.”  Stan silently raised an eyebrow at Ford.  Ford’s eyes widened.  “Has- has it already started?”

              “Yep,” Stan said.  Ford swallowed.

              “How do you know?” he asked, his voice small.

              “Remember two days ago?  When you wouldn’t take a bath?” Stan asked.  Ford’s eyes widened further.  “Or last night when you refused to eat a single vegetable?”

              “The- the taste is-” Ford started.  “And- and bathing isn’t- current research suggests washing your skin every day is harmful to-”

              “Yeah, that was your third day in a row without taking a bath or a shower,” Stan said.  “And you know that eating vegetables is important when you’re a kid.  Even if it tastes bad, it’s good for you.”

              “I- yes, I know that, I just-”  Ford fell silent.  His head fell to the table.  “My immature urges are getting the better of my logical mind,” he said, his voice slightly muffled.  Fiddleford gently rested a hand on Ford’s back.  Ford’s head shot up.  “Son of a bitch, that’s why I thought the coffee tasted horrible!” he gasped.

              “Language,” Fiddleford said immediately.  Ford glared at him.  “That was on instinct, okay?  I didn’t think ‘fore I said it.”  Fiddleford removed his hand from Ford’s back.  “But it wouldn’t hurt ya none to clean yer vocabulary up a bit,” he muttered. Ford let out a loud groan.  His head hit the table again.

              “Even if I purchased coffee from a high-end establishment, I wouldn’t like it. Children have a higher sensitivity to bitterness than adults.”  His words turned into a whine near the end of the sentence.  “And I like coffee!”  Stan rolled his eyes and began to gather the plates from breakfast. Fiddleford got up to help.  They met at the sink.

              “Is he goin’ to be all right?” Fiddleford whispered to Stan.  Stan glanced back at Ford, who hadn’t moved.

              “Probably.  Why? Do you think he’s not?”

              “I mean…”  Fiddleford chewed on his lip.  “He seems genuinely distraught.”

              “He’s just being a drama queen,” Stan insisted.  “Kids do that.  He’s not even crying.  If he was crying, I’d be concerned.  But he’s not.”

              “He might be forcin’ himself not to, to prove he’s mature,” Fiddleford pointed out.  “I’ve seen my son do that ‘fore.”  Stan rested his hands on the counter, thinking about what Fiddleford had said. “He’s been given some rather distressin’ news.  Not only will he continue to act more childlike, but the process started without his knowledge.”

              “That’s a fair point,” Stan mumbled.  He sighed.  “Fine. You’re the one who’s actually a dad. You know kids.  If you say he’s upset, I- I-”  Stan grimaced.  His mouth was coated in a sour film, his stomach churning, like when he’d drunk spoiled milk on a dare in high school.  “I’ll trust you.”

              “Thank you, Stanley.”  Fiddleford’s soft, gentle tone took Stan by surprise.  He resisted the urge to look at Fiddleford.  “I ‘ppreciate it.”

              “…Whatever.”  Stan took a breath.  “So, kid expert, what should we do to cheer Ford up?  I don’t want him to be upset for ages.”  Stan thought back to Ford’s sensitivity to stress when they were children, which he grew out of by the time they were teenagers.  “He’ll get a stomachache.”

              “Well…”  Fiddleford pursed his lips.  “If it were Tate, I’d take him to the park.  Tate likes nature.  He’s a Boy Scout, actually.”

              “Good for Tate,” Stan said under his breath.  He ignored Fiddleford’s frown.  “Ford likes going in the woods and seeing the spooky weird shit in there. Maybe we take him on a hike?”

              “It ain’t safe fer a child to go in the woods ‘round here,” Fiddleford hissed.

              “Yeah, which is why I haven’t let him go look for fairies or whatever,” Stan shot back.  “But if we’re there with him-”

              “I ain’t exactly bodyguard material.”

              “Good thing I am.”  Stan flashed a cocky grin at Fiddleford.  “Don’t act like you haven’t noticed my arms yet.”  To his disappointment, Stan had lost some of the fitness he’d had in high school, when he was boxing almost every day.  But one thing he’d been determined to maintain was his right hook, so when other forms of exercise had fallen to the wayside, Stan still found time to go a few rounds with whatever he could use as a punching bag.

              Fiddleford rolled his eyes.

              “And like I said, I haven’t let him go in the woods.  Honestly, that’s the thing that would cheer him up the most.” After a moment, Fiddleford nodded. Stan turned around to face Ford. “Hey, Sixer.”

              “What?” Ford asked, lifting his head.  Stan felt a slight twinge in his chest.  Like Fiddleford had said, Ford was evidently more upset than he was attempting to let on.  Unshed tears shone in his eyes.

              “Wanna go for a hike in the forest?” Stan asked.  Ford looked down at the table.

              “You’re trying to placate me,” he mumbled.

              “Well, I was plannin’ on bringin’ some equipment, tryin’ to see if anything gave off energy similar to the kind you are,” Fiddleford said.  He inspected his raggedy nails idly.  “Thought that it might be nice to look fer a natural cure, since I ain’t settin’ foot near that portal any time soon.  But if ya don’t want to come with ‘cause yer sure we’re only doin’ this fer you…”

              “No, I want to come!” Ford blurted out.  Fiddleford shot Stan a sly grin.  Stan raised an eyebrow silently in response.

              He really does know kids well.  Another reason he’ll be good to have around.

----- 

              Ford might have been eight, but he wasn’t an idiot.  He knew that Stan and Fiddleford were talking about him when they stood at the sink for an awkwardly long time.  And he knew that Fiddleford’s reasoning behind the hike was thin at best.  But as he tromped eagerly through the forest, hot on Stan’s heels, he was willing to let it slide.

              Few things agitated him as much as being confined unwillingly.  Yes, on his own, he’d been known to hole up “like a mouse”, as his mother used to say.  Those instances, however, were of his own volition.  He’d wanted to hide away for hours on end.

              Stanley forcing me to stay cooped up with him in the house is almost as bad as being a child again.  Being outside is wonderful.  The fresh, cold air being brought into his lungs was revitalizing.  Every step landed on the snow-scattered ground with a satisfying crunch.  Ford beamed at the sound.

              “So, uh, how long do you guys usually go on research hikes or whatever?” Stan asked.  Ford shrugged.

              “For however long until we make a discovery.”

              “Great,” Stan muttered.  Fiddleford cleared his throat.  “I mean, um…that’s…neat.”  Ford looked up at Stan.  Stan’s face was contorted in a wince at his own subpar phrasing.  Ford let out a small giggle, amused.  Stan looked back at him and smiled before returning his attention to the trees.  “Ford, can you identify any of these trees?” Stan asked in a light tone.

              “Some of them, yes.  The deciduous trees, however, are more difficult to identify, as they’ve lost their leaves.”

              “If you were a botanist, you’d know,” Stan said.  Ford punched his leg playfully.  Stan’s grin widened.  A faint beeping sounded in the mostly still forest.  Stan came to a stop.  “What the hell is that?  It sounds like a bomb.”

              “It’s not,” Fiddleford said.  Ford and Stan turned around to see Fiddleford take something out of his pocket. Fiddleford looked down at the object, bemused.  It resembled a brick made of some kind of dark blue metal, with a few lightbulbs attached to one end.  The largest lightbulb was flashing a green light.

              “You didn’t answer my question,” Stan said, crossing his arms.  Fiddleford tapped the brick a few times.  The lightbulb flickered but remained lit.

              “This is the equipment I was referrin’ to,” Fiddleford replied.  “It can detect energy abnormalities due to interdimensional interference.”

              “And in English, that means?”

              “It can locate pockets of energy leaking from other dimensions,” Ford said eagerly.  Fiddleford nodded.  “I knew that the oddities of Gravity Falls were due to interdimensional leakage, but I never brought a device into the forest to measure it.”  Ford hit himself in the forehead.  “Why did I never do that?”

              “You, uh, you built that pretty fast,” Stan said.  Fiddleford shook his head.

              “I built this ‘fore Stanford and I…parted ways.  All’s I had to do to adjust it fer this trip was to install an interference shield to keep it from pickin’ up on Stanford’s current energy signature.”

              “Okay.  What do we do with this, then?” Stan asked.

              “Locate whatever is being registered, of course!” Ford said, exasperated. He grabbed the device out of Fiddleford’s hands and rushed off into the forest.

              “Ford!” Stan shouted after him.  Ford ignored him, instead watching intently as the green light grew brighter and the beeping louder.  He could hear Stan and Fiddleford crashing through the undergrowth after him but didn’t care. After what felt like ages but was probably just a few seconds, he arrived in a clearing.  In the middle of the clearing was a single plant, green despite the surrounding snow and glowing faintly.  Ford came to a stop.

              “Stanford, ya can’t run off like that,” Fiddleford said as he and Stan caught up.  “This forest ain’t safe!  You know that better than anyone.”  Fiddleford caught sight of the plant in the clearing.  His eyes widened.  “That’s an odd lil plant.”

              “Yeah, it’s glowing and not dead, even though it’s winter,” Stan said shortly. He put a hand on Ford’s shoulder. “Ford, give Fiddleford back the thing, we’re gonna head back home.”

              “Not without gathering that plant,” Ford said firmly.  

              “Hell, no.  I don’t trust it.”

              “It should be fine,” Fiddleford said reluctantly.

              “It’s glowing.”

              “A lot of things glow,” Fiddleford said.  “As plants in Gravity Falls go, this one seems harmless.” Ignoring the bickering, Ford handed the device to Fiddleford, shook Stan’s hand off his shoulder, and strode forward determinedly.

              “Stanford,” Fiddleford sighed.  Stan also let out a long sigh.

              “Fine, you can get the plant, then we’re heading back.”  As Ford approached the odd plant, he could faintly hear Stan and Fiddleford talking.  “So what’s the deal with this plant?”

              “If I can observe something that has a lot of dimensional energy in it, particularly interdimensional energy, I’ll learn more ‘bout how it affects living things and can try to reverse-engineer a cure.”

              “How?”

              “I haven’t figured that part out yet,” Fiddleford said quietly.  Ford carefully plucked the plant from the snowy ground.  “Stanford?”

              “It smells amazing,” Ford whispered.

              “Sometimes plants do that,” Stan said.  “C’mon, we gotta go back.”  Ford plucked a single leaf from the plant.  He brought the leaf to his nose and inhaled deeply.

              “It smells like cinnamon donuts,” Ford whispered.  Crunching sounded behind him.  Stan crouched by his side.

              “That’s nice, but we’re gonna go now,” Stan said firmly.  Ford looked up at Stan.  “What?”

              “It smells exactly like the donuts we used to have on snow days,” Ford said, his voice still soft.  “When Mom would take us to the kosher bakery down the block and we had our pick of the first batch they made.”  Stan’s eyes softened.

              “I remember that.  Okay, lemme smell.”  Ford held out the leaf.  Stan took a cautious whiff, then recoiled.  “Ugh, that doesn’t smell good at all.  Your nose must be screwed up from the cold or somethin’.”  Ford shook his head.  Holding this plant, he felt calm, but at the same time, a slight fizzing sensation spread across his skin.  He looked down at the leaf again and brought it up to his mouth, unsure of why he was doing it, just knowing that it was the right thing to do. Stan’s expression broke into panic. “Ford, don’t eat that!”

              “It smells good,” Ford said.  Stan attempted to take the leaf from him, but before he could, Ford popped it into his mouth. It tasted just as good as it smelled. Ford was transported back to the first time his mother had taken him and his brothers to the bakery, when he was too small to have formed any coherent memories.  He only remembered warmth, safety, and the sweet taste of cinnamon. Ford swallowed.

              “Stanford, you little shit, you don’t just eat random plants you find in the woods!” Stan scolded, shaking him.  “Especially if they’re glowing!”  Ford merely smiled at Stan, feeling content for the first time in weeks.

              There was a flash of light.  The fizzing sensation now permeated through his body.  The last thing he heard before darkness overtook him was more crunching of the snow, a sucked in gasp, and a southern voice.

              “Oh, Lord above, we’re in big trouble now.”  

[koszmar-zycie]

All of the fun, random questions! Do it!

Oh lawdy! To quote Ace Ventura: “Aaaaaalrighty, then!” - Apologies for the janky post, since I can’t space them without the site making the numbers all screwy.

Do you have any “yeah I’m good at it but I hate it” kind of skills? - hmmmm. To be honest, leading. If you buy into horoscopes, I’m a Dragon. And maybe it’s natural, maybe it’s theatre experience. But when I apply myself as a leader, I do AMAZING. The issue is that I generally like to be a support. Sometimes I like leading, but usually I’m not into the idea of being this focus or figurehead guiding the way as the leader. Whether projects or even fun, I tend to fall into a like... intermediate leadership role at best. 

If you could make one type of food cease to exist, what would you banish? - To be honest, I can’t do that. Even foods I’m not fond of are foods, and I would be remised if I were to remove any.  

You’re allowed to know everything about one highly specific thing/topic. What would you choose? - Deep sea thermal based biology. The deep sea is my 100% very favorite place on Earth. If I die and there’s an afterlife, I want endless ocean of all kinds. If I’m reincarnated, I want to be a Dragonfish or something. At any rate, I would do anything to have such a wealth of knowledge. Especially about something as fascinating to me as the ins and out of how the deep sea creatures that survive and thrive around the *extreme* heat and pressure of the vents. 

What’s a fictional character who you want to be like? In what way do you want to be like them? - I would love to be like Nathan Ford from Leverage. I want to be able to live my life as freely and wildly as he (though maybe not as illegally lol), and also pursue what I feel is right for me. Live through and persevere through hardship as well as he, even if he struggled.

If you had to live in and not leave a city for the rest of your life, what city would you choose? - That would be a VERY hard call between Avalon on Catalina Island USA, or Sedona, Arizona. While Sedona overall has more of what I love, Avalon has the sea. And I’d probably die without my ocean. 

Do you tend to say what you’re thinking? What would people think of you if you did the opposite?  - Usually, yes. But in a careful way. It WILL happen periodically, because I’m also an emotional hunk of waste. But in general I do a decent enough job of being honest without being harsh about it. When I’m provoked or something really gets to me, then I can just vent without thinking.

Is there anything that you’ve done/experienced so much you hate it now? Easiest to come up with are like, food or music. - Hmmm. Not really. Halloween got SEVERELY killed for me, though. I still like it, but Haunt people are by and large the most obnoxious and hypocritical. Since I adore haunt, I HAVE to deal with them. Hatred for Christmas and other holidays while spouting about Halloween has drained my interest in Halloween. So yes an no, because that’s really OTHER people killing it for me. But I’m also sort of involved because of my love of the haunt business.

Were you afraid of anything “silly”/irrational as a child that you’ve since outgrown? - Deep water. As a kid I HATED the deep end of pools. Now I’m obsessed with deep water and the dark, unknown, crushing depths. Funny how things work out! I used to hate going near the slope in a pool if it was even a little dark (lighted pools were fine). Now, the only thing stopping me from just continuing to swim down if I go diving is my tank limits.

If you were to impart one moral lesson (think Aesop’s fables, Golden Rule, etc) on the world, what would it be? - Treat others as you wish to be treated. It’s SO easy to say, and yet nobody does it. 

If you were a DND character or a game character (or something like that) what would your highest stat be? What would you want your highest stat to be? What about the lowest, to both of those? - HA. I think about this way too much. I’d be a sea elf druid. STR 10 INT 12 CHA 16 DEX 12 END 18 WIS 18 - If I were to apply myself logically as an analog of myself, I’d have good durability and understanding and social capability (again, in specific regards), but my outward strength and dex would be kinda average. I like to think that I’m decently intelligent, as I LOVE books, learning, and figuring things out. But I’m also far from genius. Hence my focus on Wisdom. I’m also surprisingly dexterous, but in certain circumstances more than others, so that’s also pretty average. I don’t think I’ve really have any “bad” stats, but I’d definitely mix average with a couple high ones.

Is there anything you judge others for when you probably shouldn’t? - Probably. I have a huge mistake of expecting others to be courteous and offer a common decency/open perspective on things.

Who are “your kind” of people? - Goths and hippies, my friend. If you want to know my style? Goth Druid. lol 

If you had to come up with your last words right now… what would they be? - “Don’t regret not accomplishing what you set out to accomplish. Regret having not tried. I do not regret trying, even if I did not succeed.”

Do you have any “weirdly strong” opinions about things that don’t really matter? - This is VERY obscure (I have others, but it’s late and this came to mind first) But if you play Fate Grand Order.... SET YOUR GOD DAMNED SUPPORTS.

Your goal is to completely confuse the people around you in as short a time as possible– what do you say/do? - Honestly, just start quoting Lorne from Season 5 of Angel. Or act like a Malkavian. One of my VTM characters was a Malkavian who got in a fight with a parachute he had. Her name was Kitten.

What’s the most comfy place you’ve been in? - I don’t know, actually. Maybe the Luxe Hotel in LA during Anime Expo?

Did you have any “silly” beliefs as a kid? Where did they come from (parents, friends, out of nowhere, etc)? - Not that I know of. At least in terms of anything that’d have changed or something. I’m sure there’s Something, but I honestly can’t dig anything up in my memories.

If you were to add or remove one physical feature to yourself… what would it be? Can be from animals, can be from imagination… whatever. - Hahaha, I ALWAYS think about this one. Right now, I’d want maybe the electro-vision of sharks. 

What could you happily give a two hour lecture on? - Ocean conservation, and what’s correct and what isn’t.

What would a mirror opposite version of yourself be like? It doesn’t necessarily have to be an evil version– any feature can be reflected! - Someone who’s mostly optimistic. More bright colors than dark, short hair. Focused on socializing and extroverted. More than happy in one place forever, without an interest in travel. 

What’s an occasion you’ve done a double take? - Anime Expo a number of times. Seeing weird or unexpected, or legendary cosplays. 

If you could only see one color (and its varying shades– dark/light) for the rest of your life… what would you choose? - Blue. Guess that was probably obvious. But it’s a cool color and associated with calming. Between dark midnight and navy blues to vibrant aquamarines pressing towards green (without actually going into it), I feel like there’s a happy spectrum of all kinds that would be enough to get through without going too crazy.

Do your friends all share certain qualities? Major or minor! - Despite my.... unique personality, and preference towards quiet etc (INFJ), I have a lot of radically different kinds of friends. I honestly don’t think I could put any one thing down. Other than that I choose my friends carefully on who I think I can trust and is a good persona at heart. To a sufficient degree anyway. That’s also a huge part of my downsides, too. By being sensitive (and having certain conditions), when a friend does something that hurts me, it REALLY hurts.

How do you motivate yourself to do things? - Oh man, that’s funny. It is entirely circumstantial. As an artist/writer/creative (I use artist in the broad sense, but I figured I’d add that to help specify) I can VERY easily just have motivation on a moments notice. So it’s often pretty random. But if not, I jut need to think of why. I Looooooove gardening. Weeds need pulling? I think about what’ll happen if the roses or tomatos or lemon tree don’t get their water because of weeds sucking it up. Need to write? I’ll never leave my creation for *any*one if I don’t at least crack down on notes, and make slow and steady progress if nothing else. It’s usually just a small thing I think of to act as a spark, but it’s usually very effective.

What’s one of your favorite jokes? Tell it to us!  - Okay, so this isn’t a joke, but it’s seriously STILL making me laugh just thinking about it. I was going to reference an old comedian in a previous post (I didn’t end up doing it, but still). Anyway, I was really confused as to why I couldn’t find him in google. It turns out, instead of looking up “Groucho Marx”, I was googling “Marco Grouch”. LOL That’s probably not quite as funny to y’all, but for some reason it’s killing me. XD

Hooooooeeee! Well, that was long, but actually really fun! Thank you @scatteredstoryteller! That was like... an essay. lol But definitely fun. I love asks. XD

[evilelitest2]

Do you know of any good resources on how and why Reagan won? He seemed to have a lot of resistance from the Republican old guard and all four of my grandparents absolutely despised him. But he somehow won with what sounded like was a very unpopular platform, and I don't understand exactly what happened.

I mean most electoral histories will have you covered, are you looking from a cultural perspective or an electoral perspective, or just a general overview of the 1980 election?  Personally I recommend the book “Backlash” on the larger reactionary movement of the 80s which is in no way relevant today...

But in short there are many reasons why Reagan won, many of them depressing familiar today

1) Ronald Reagan was an actor and was a really charismatic speaker, specifically he was very good at seeming friendly, approachable and non condescending.  It was extremely easy to understand Reagan’s message if you weren’t paying attention and he didn’t seem like some sort of elite who understood policies or knew where Cambodia was on a map, because he didn’t either.  With the possible exceptions of JFK, and OBama, Reagan is likely the most charismatic president in the last century and that makes a big difference in the election

2) Jimmy Carter was a bit of a mess.  I love Carter and I think he is one of the most moral people to ever be president (judging on a scale) but...his administration was extremely chaotic, inept, and really bad at messaging.  

3) Reagan cheated.  At his most famous debate with Carter, it turns out Reagan’s team had actaully managed to get Carter’s debate plans before hand, so Reagan knew exactly what Carter was going to say which is why Reagan seemed so invincible in the debate

4) The Economy.  Due to a wide variety of reasons including but not limited too the fallout of the Vietnam War, the OPEC oil crisis, the natural eb and flow of the market, and the failure of Kenysian economics meant that when the 1980 election was happening, America was in a pretty bad economic place.  Unemployment was high, inflation was spiraling and for many white people it was the first time they had ever experienced an economic downturn

This wasn’t really Carter’s fault, just like the economic boom in the 80s wasn’t really Reagan’s fault (though the initial crash certainly was) but that is how it was perceived.

5) The Failure of Kenysian Economics.  Now when I say “failure” i don’t actually mean “this is a bad system” Kenysan economics got us out of the Great Depression after all and lead to the largest economic boom in US history.  However they aren’t the end all, especially when politicians running things don’t really understand what they are doing.  So while they aren’t nearly as awful as the Free market economics that would follow, people were becoming disillusioned with the prior economic model

6) Vietnam.  Oh dear god Vietnam.  Reagan would be the first president who didn’t preside over Vietnam in any way, which meant he wasn’t tainted by the total fuck up that was that war.  America was still reeling from losing our first major war to a small nation that nobody had heard off before they started to kick our ass, and the battle over Vietnam has basically torn the country apart.  A huge amount of people felt pissed and humiliated over the defeat, and rather than question why we went to war or the morality of our tactics, blamed protesters and leftists for not supporting the war enough, a stabbed in the back myth if you will.  Also Vietnam was a Democrat fuck up, Republicans weren’t in power when it started under JFK and LBG, who collectively created the horrific circumstances of the war.  The republicans who oversaw it were the comparatively (to Reagan) more ‘moderates” of Nixon and Ford.  So American both felt humiliated and weak from looking a major war to a people we saw as inferior and was blaming everything associated with the left for it.  Reagan’s “Make America Great Again” message was extremely attractive to a lot of people, and since he didn’t have anything to do with the war, you couldn’t blame him for its failure.  

7) The Soviet Union.  The presence of the USSR hung over every US election since Woodrow Wilson, but after Vietnam a lot of Americans felt like the USSR was winning.  This was ironically utterly untrue as the Soviet Union would collapse only 11 years later, but the perception in America was that the US had been defeated by COMMUNISM and needed to get our groove back for round II.  And Reagan was by far the most aggressively confrontational anti Communist president we have had since FDR, so much so that he accidentally almost triggered a nuclear war and destroyed all of civilizations...whoops.  But that is what American wanted back then

8) The rise of the religious right.  For most of the 20th century, while religion was certainly a thing which effected politics, the US political landscape was largely secular, religion being evoked more than it made its own demands.  But due to rise of the Counter Culture movement, religious folks sort of went into panic mode and suddenly conservative fundamentalist Christianity was one the rise.  And Reagan embraced them 100%, leading to the fundementalist cancer that lives with us to this day

9) The death of the Counterculture.  At the exact same time as the Religious Right came into power, the group it was opposing had largely collapsed.  I mentioned this before when talking about the civil Rights movement, but once overt legal segregation had been outlawed, what was left were the far more serious, complicated and unclear problems, which lead to a lot of hippies burning out, falling into infighting, declaring victory and going home, or turning to more radical and largely ineffectual approaches.  And since so much of the counter culture was linked to to its fashion and aethetic, as the Hippie style/music/clothing/demeanor became lame and uncool, the causes behind them were seen as uncool as well.  Also the most dedicated leftists quickly turned to auto cannibalism and spent more time fighting each other rather than focusing on their enemy a dynamic which the left can always be counted on (cough what happened to Counterpoints cough) 

10) The larger cultural backlash.  America as a whole was feeling threaten by the left, and by extention the progressive made for women, racial minorities, and sexual minorities, and was pushing back against them.  The 60s and 70s was a moment of sudden shocking change which took the old guard by surprise and they didn’t know what to do, but once the left had burned themselves out a bit, the Right was able to reorganize, refocus their efforts, and remake their arguments to reassert the oppressive systems they so valued.  And for a lot of Americans who were passively bigoted, the incredibly fast pace of change got them scared and they sought comfort in the return of the familiar.  Again Reagan wasn’t just an actor, he was a cowboy actor from shitty kitch family films.  And as we’ve seen before in terms of Whitelash or Male Fragility, fear of losing privilege can get people to vote against their own interest (cough union workers cough)

11) America was facing a big choice.  After WWII, we were basically the only major nation with a good economy, which we were able to turn into a great economy, and had an over 20 year post war high.  But other nations started to compete with us (most notably Japan) and our status as the singular nation started to be threatened by the EU, India, China, Latin America, and our own changing history.  For the first time, Americans started to realize that maybe, not right away, but eventually, we would just be one nation among many again, rather than the only superpower.   Simultaneous, the threat of Climate change first started to be noticed, and Americans started to realize that maybe we should tone down the materialism, the consumerism, and the reliance on fossile fuels.  Carter infamously wore sweaters in the white house to save on gas and put solar panels on the roof, which was seen by many Americans (idiots) as weakness.  

Basically we had a choice, we could either 

A) Prepare our nation for the transformation period we were going for, and slowly start to move off oil as our economy changed and we had to make adjustments for it 

or

B) FUCK THAT.  THIS IS AMERICA AND WE DON”T COMPROMISE FOR ANYTHING.  YOU KNOW WHAT...LETS BE EVEN MORE RECKLESS

Americans were asked to choose between accepting an uncomfortable reality or embracing a comforting delusion.  

12) The Iran Hostage crisis.  This made Carter look weak internationally and everybody knows that America looking weak is worth destroying our own internal economy.  

13) The Democrats were in the middle of a civil war.  The Civil Rights movement and the Great Society had torn the democrats apart which means Carter was never really able to get his own party to obey him like the Republicans did.  WHats worse is that the aftereffect of the Vietnam War had basically crippled LBJ’s Great Society Program, meaning the Democrats were really chaotic

14) Finally, it is important to remember, the Democrats had held power from 1932 all the way to 1980s, the US was kind of a single party state for most of the century, and a lot of people were pretty sick of them.  Corruption, incompetence and hypocrisy are around in every party and the democratic congress in particular was widely hated, so the Republicans felt like this new exciting thing, something which could maybe bring a new era in America.  “Its morning in America”

And of course, Reagan was in many ways what white America wants, a giant self congratulatory message that lets us avoid dealing with real issues....