#AND I WAS RIGHT! IM ANGRY‚ WHAT THE FUCK?! PPL TOLD ME THIS WAS A CUTE STORY!

[martyrbat]

so many of you talk about the cruel adults in your childhood that negatively effected you and caused lifelong insecurity yet you're still perfectly fine with being that mean stranger to any kid that has the misfortune of existing around you and thats just really gross !!!

[aamitmorthos]

:)

[sparklingdemon]

grggrgrgrg i dont know where else to put this but i dont know how to explain but i hate when everyone coddles cody its like NOOOO! like yes they shouldnt suffer a horrible punishment but who are you to say what they did is nothing! or to just blatantly just put hate to charizard because shes holding them accountable for their actions! Just because cody is your blorbo does not make what they did right! you cannot forgive them because you are not the victim! sure you can forgive them for lying to you the entire time theyve known you but well to me that also brings up the question of. well what truth have they actually told me.

im not hating on anyone specifically or anything i promise its just like NOOOOO!! STOP!!! THEYRE NOT A LITTLE BABY WHO NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED FROM BIG EVIL CHARIZARD!!!!!

KILL!!!

(joke)

I believe cody needs to be looked at in a realistic light. like "hey cody that was fucked up. buuuut... well youre already in a prison of your own making so there isnt much more i can do. youre already paying for your actions."

Maybe thats just my thoughts i just always feel like a feral animal like this whenever everyone is comforting them

maybe that is how i feel about cody in general on a variety of fronts though they are my chew toy <3

FOR REAL IT'S GENUINELY SO CRAZY SEEING PPL JUST GOING "that's it?" AT THE FACT THAT CODY KNOWINGLY KILLED THE CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN CREATION. they did the thing that these players have literally threatened to kill EACH OTHER over. like, it's not just a one-off instance. there has been a RESOUNDING amount of support for cody in monochrome's inbox right now.

BUT that said, there ARE some people who are saying exactly what you have of, "i forgive you for lying and what you did was bad but you've already been punished for it" and even some people who do feel genuinely angry at them so it's not like EVERYONE is just blindly coddling cody. so that's good.

i'm trying my best to make it clear from a narrative perspective that what cody did was a Very Bad Thing and that charizard isn't just senselessly bullying cody over something that wasn't their fault. i know that was the false narrative that cody was fostering in peoples' heads for the past two years, so it's going to take a while for people to unlearn what cody misled them into believing and fully accept the gravity of cody's actions. charizard might be harsh but she is the voice of reason here to expose not just cody's true nature but also the hypocrisy of cody's players. it'll be fun to see more of her from now on.

[rpfisfine]

im

literally the maddest ive ever been in my entire life i just got bullied on the bus by these 5 loud as fuck cocky teenage cunts who kept opening the window right above my fucking head and spraying passing cars with a water bottle no matter how many times i slammed it shut and told them to stop and then when i finally turned around and said could you please stop i'm literally just trying to get home in peace this one fucking loser asked "ummmm why" so i was like "because it's annoying and everybody would tell you the same thing" and he was like "well if you don't like it you can always leave, there's the door" and i was so genuinely shell-shocked and speechless at the audacity plus i already have a stutter and always get so unbelievably angry during these kinds of interactions that it's literally like life-threatening to me almost so i couldn't even comprehend what he had just said to me but i did manage to humiliate him by being like "how old are you?" (no answer) "how old are you?" (no answer) "fifteen?" and he literally was too visibly embarrassed to say anything and wouldn't give me any other number he just made fun of how "adult" i was but in my stressed out fucking state i kind of forgot to tell him that i literally am an adult bc i didn't want to just compare ages like some kind of cringe idiot so they might live with the assumption that i was either the same age as them or ever so slightly older than them for the rest of their lives bc i do look 16 at most irl which i'm trying to come to terms with currently but anyway i literally just kept my focus on this one asshole right behind me and confronted him in genuinely the most firm but polite manner i could and then immediately as soon as i turn back around the guy sitting next to him goes "uhhhhhh i couldn't understand One single word she said so it's time to continue boys 🤪" and then they started laughing at me + screaming 10 times louder than before + blowing raspberries at me like fucking 3 year olds so i waited for the next stop then got up and sat beside someone else even though i was so happy to get a window seat for the first time in legitimate months and im still so unimaginably fucking angry abt the whole thing i know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal but when ppl make fun of the way i speak or mock me or say they can't understand me it literally makes me want to claw their eyes out and on top of everything else that had happened during the interaction it was just slightly too much for me to handle i didn't want to stoop to their level by cursing them out or being legitimately mean even though they deserved it but i regret not telling them to die as i was walking past them i hope a horrible horrible future awaits their loser hypebeast bully friendgroup i hope they never get girlfriends or accepted into college and i hope someone with less patience than me beats them up for their behavior one day

[pup-pee]

VENT POST

i just started typing & i accidentally worte an essay

dont click read more if ur not ready 2 scroll or if u dont want 2 read some random persons thoughts

whenever my mother has a manic or depressive episode every1 looks 2 me 2 help her

bc 4 sone reason im ghe only 1 who understands??? but slso fucking like i dont want 2 i e been trying 2 help her w/various shit since i was born man like literally y do I have 2 help when shes drunk, or hallucinating, or angry, weeping, bored, delusional ect ect

like y me mannn

i wouldnt mind hanging around her if she wasnt a huge source of trauma 4 me god damn

like the problem is i dont mind bing around her its just she has the biggest victim complex & i cannot bare 2 b tricked in2 apologizing 2 her again & again & again & reliving moments that hurt me so i can explain y her actions were not just another tuesday & then she just brushes it off or resays the original statement so i try 2 resay what i said

or when i try 2 calm her down so i let her hold me & sob & i am so uncomfortable bc i dont like bing held by her & she grips my hand & squeezes me when hugging & its like man i dont want 2 deal w/this pls

but when any1 else tries 2 b around her they just make her worse?? make her more upset angry fucking they just trigger her off 4 some reason & she cant b around family or friends bc they just feed in2 her delusions & make them more real 4 her SO IG THATS Y IM THE 1 WHO HAS 2 DO EVERYTHING

4 SOME FUCKING REASON im the 1 ppl listen 2 but then on a dime they will just go “oh but ur the toungest ur not an adult u dont understand it doesnt work that way!” IVE LIVED W/THIS WOMEN MY ENTIRE LIFE I THINK I UNDERSTAND HER BETTER THAN WHEN U KNEW HER AS A CHILD. SHES A FUCKING ADULT TREAT HER LIKE 1

TREAT ME LIKE 1 I GUESS BC U WOULDNT HELP ME AS A KID

dude holy fucking balls im so annoyed bc i cant do anything im just thinking about what ive been doing this week & god damn i h8 the holidays

i want so badly 4 ppl 2 listen & understand me but the bias just DOESNT LET THEM IT DOESNT & IT SUCKS IT SUCKS SO MUCH

bc i can understand what my mother is going through. the mood swings the paranoid/intrusive thoughts the sudden depression BC REAL ME 2 GIRLIE

whcih sidenote my mother told me she was suppossed 2 get diagnosed when she was younger but didnt bc the walk 2 the therapists office each time was way 2 much & just like goddamn that sucks ass. bc imagine if she was able 2 cope better instead of alcohol & cigs & impulse buying all the useless shit

anyways mayb thats y my mother is able 2 stand me more than the others. bc i can relate. which also makes me more easy 2 manipulate but i think ive gotten better @ standing my ground? i hope. man.

mayb i shoukd like talk 2 a therapist bc i want 2 tak about these things but everytime i went 2 a therpist((multiple)) it was always “oh it seems u have it all figured out”

did i get cps called or alerted from me multiple times then got scared in2 talking further in2 it? maybe

but literally cps does jack shit

dude the cops came 2 my house bc my mothers dramatic & she wouldnt let me talk 2 them ((bc i was a minor @ the time)) & they jsut went “ah yes normal behavior.” she drunkenly told them wrong information about our family like that i had a sister? do not. she tried 2 she them the injuries that my dad gave her ((she had none)) & then just refused 2 let me b alone. & oh holy fucking shit. when the reaosn was “well its 2 hot!” i said “they can come inside” she said no

then it was bc i was a minor which doesnt matter bc law

like i had 2 shove her back inside dude it was awful

then when i opened the door she was like right there oacing around like i can not i cant

she did get held 4 that night bc they took it that she was the main disturbance & HOLY SHIT THAT WAS 1 OF THE MOST OEACEFUL NIGHTS IN A WHILE

but ohhh my god she has not let that shit go 2 this day

“they arrested me 4 no reason!” “do yk how AWDUL it is in jail? ofc u dont!” “they had 2 search me!! it was so violating”“ur father LIED 2 them 2 get me.” “those police were lazy & racist” ((i mean ur not weong but also ur not right in that moment)) “yk who had 2 pick me up bc ur father wouldnt? yeah so & so” LIKE YES I GET IT U HAD 2 SPEND 5 HRS IN WHERE EVER U WERE

ohhh my god listen i can understand how treatment can b traumatic but HOLY SHIT the thing that bugs me is how she doesnt realize SHE PUT HERSELF IN THERE

she called the cops of my father then got arrested like girl PLS

she dismisses everything based on those reasons then used them against us

OHH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED she tried 2 tell a friends parent who we ran in2 about all of this & i had 2 pull her away like do u know how embarrassing that is? i was trying on the fly 2 correct her BC I DIDNT NEED ANOTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCE FEEDING IN2 MY MOTHERS VERSION OF EVENTS

im so fucking tired man. & then my father tries 2 defend her & its like my good sir u r the victim but also u neglectful asshole take care of urself the way u never took care of my brother or i

like hes fucked up but hes not a terrible person. outside of the transphobia, racism & other things that i think hea grown past? listen he used 2 b way more homophobic but like my mother helped him w/that shit

but oh my god dude i remneber coming out 2 my family in 8th grade & he went 2 his lesbian friend talking abiut me bing trans which. rude honestly. i wouldve rather him ask me questions not some girlie i never heard of. & holy shit she fed him the worst advice. “when i was younger i thought i shouldve been a boy when i was just gay” GIRL STFU IM SRRY I WENT THROUGH THAT BUT U R NOT ME

she made him so much more surr of himself then he shouldve been & im still struggling 2 explain shit 2 him

dude hes oit here talking about trans women in sports when i dont even play sports like hhhh

my mother has this friend who is like a professor 4 brain shit & shes a proud supporter of lgbtq+ everything

& like shes been wonderful. she supports me even if im 2 scarex 2 say stuff 2 her or cant text her bc i dont have her number angmkre & i dont want 2 intrude on her life

but its the way none of my parents believed her or took her advice on anything

shes my fairy godmother man like they will trust her w/my life if they got died gone but they cant take her advice w/something she literally has a degree in

& it SUCKS bc she believed in my mothers words about my father abusing her WHICH IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED ABOIT

i havent been able 2 talk 2 her bc of it man it sucks… also bc i dont have her number anymore haha lol lol ahaha hhh

& dude its like mutual abuse. my fathers a lot easier 2 b around than my mother most of the time but it flips so easily.

they both r just elly hard ppl 2 b around

i think i takw back that precious statement. theyre both rlly hard 2 b around

explainign the concept of racism 2 my dad is so difficult. bc he cant understand y asian like no-no words r hurtful bc he has an asian wife BUT THE MOMENT U BEING UP THE N WORD HE JSUT CANT WAIT 2 SAY IT 2 PROVE ME WRONG

LIKE DO U NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHIT UR SAYING

& HE JUST WANTS 2 TURN EVERYTHING IN2 A DEBATE ITS SOOO TIRING

like @ least my mother wants 2 hear me talk about my interests instead of telling me 2 shut up

like ik she guilt trips me but @ least she actually likes my company i think

idk man

i just want 2 have a relationship w/them but its so hard & i feel like giving up

my brother basically alr has but he has like, friends n shit dhjdksk

i dont rlly have other ppl like that((mainly my own fault im a pussy)) & it sucks bc i love ppl & man y do i have 2 have a brain that h8s me as much as my parents do

i just want 2 exist in my body & like laugh & smile & eat food a normal amount y is it so hard

y is it so hard 2 just talk 2 some1 when thats all i want 2 do it sucks

but 2mr is another day these feelings will pass & hopefully i will get better or some shit even if ive only been getting worse

this headache is making me reflect on my life man

got me cryinf & shit

god & i just keep thinking about laying in the hospital bed & the nurse telling me not 2 kill myself & her sharing a story about her brother & how he tried but lived & how hos attempt was much worse than mine & now i cant help but compare everything i do or think bc theres always some1 off worse than me stfu

like i will not attempt again ((until??)) @ least donald fucking trump is dead bc i will live off my spite 4 him

but oh my god i hope i can fix myself b4 then

mayb ill just keep setting goals of ppl i need 2 outlive bc @ least im better than them nomatter how much i suck

like jk rowling

is that how u spell her name i dont give a shit. but like i should just keep doing that? idrc how dark it is i just know ppl dont eant me 2 die even if i want 2 so ig ill do it 4 them

oh i just remmebered bing in the hospital bed & my mother yelling @ me then running out XDD im not ok dude that moment sucked that hurt so much & no1 even asked if i was ok mannn like ok let me dissociate on the bed while watching history channel whatever ancient aliens? ok let me just giggle @ this

YK WHAT SUCKED

Omg i couldnt sleep every in both the hospital & the pych ward bc i cant sleep if ppl r watching me

like if some1s looking @ me my body wakes up bc of just this fear instilled in me i suppose?

i think it happened bc of my parents

a mixture of bing forced 2 sleep in their bed & also my mother taken numerous pictures of my father ((& by consequence me)) 2 use as ammo agaisnt him

“oh he sleeps so much” “he snores os loud” “hes passed out drunk” like girl u have over a 1000 pictures of my dad just sleeping calm tf down

anyways i cant sleep if some1s looking loke the moment some1 opens my door i shoot up. which was useful when school tbh but i couldnt sleep @ ALLLL during the hospital bc theres a nurse there 24/7 & in the ward i got a roomm8 yk & the door checks

like ughhhhh i dont sleep well or long anyways unless i dont sleep 4 a while then my body knocks me out((which is what happens/ed)) but holy mollyyyy

i think existing in this world would b a lot better if i didnt confine myself 2 this house. if i like, got out yk? if i left it all bhind

which goddamn i tried like me running away was not a joke idk how ppl took it as that but whatever im so tired of just existing in here

like althoguh im in my safe cave((my room)) im always terrified of the next knock on my door or attempt of conversation

srsly if u want 2 talk or hang out w/me dont complain that i dont shut up u signed up 4 this shit U WANTED 2 HANG OIT W/ME

do u want me here or do u just want this idea of me 2 b here?? i cannot get over it. which fine if its a “i want 2 hear what were watching” situation but 1. subtitles. but fine fine i get it u dont like those so ill shut up or just leave

but dont complain when i leave

& WORSE

DONT B A HYPOCRITE & YAP MORE THAN I DO

watching fightclub was a NIGHTMARE bing told 2 b quite then hearing them talk 2 eqchother ot try 2 talk 2 me then when i would try 2 start a conversation it was like “oh mo we got 2 pause the show bc THIS is goinf 2 go on & on”

like ok goddamn ill shut up ig

i mean @ least when my brother watches stuff w/me ((which is not often)) he KNOWS ill talk. which is y he doesnt watch stuff w/me!! & thats fine!! WE HANG OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. like when he asked me 2 stick around during an oil change or when i talk 2 him when hes making food 4 himself like IS IT THAT HARD??

my brother is not a shining example of some1 who completely understand or is purely good. i mean in the car he will constantly say “jokes” calling ppl a slur then bing like “but yk i dont mean that in a bad way” like ok man whatever u grew up w/ny father i understand y u say this

i asked 1nce what the joke was & i think he like actually stuttered. like his brain had 2 load in a response bc it was just “what was the punchline?” “a joke doesnt have 2 have a punchline” “not rlly but most jokes r jokes 4 a reason. so what was the funny bit about that?” “it was just funny” like i dont think thats how it worksss

sigh but @ least their better than my fathers jokes. & my mother oh my god. her humor is literally “haha gangers wear their pants so low u can see their underwear”

& OHH MY GOD when my father tries 2 say we have the same humor

no sir we do fucking not shut the hell up. ive laughed @ 1 joke hes ever said in his entire life istg

he constantly turns 2 me & goes “how r u not laughing this is hilarious!” ITS BC WE DONT HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR IVE BEEN TELLING U THIS

or mayb none of them r funny bc i can make them laugh but they cant make me laugh & its getting me rlly insecure

& oh my god if some1 makes 1 more fatphobic ass comment im going 2 send them 2 the time out corner I CANNOT

got in an argument about societies influence on whats “right or weong” & beauty standards came up. yk bc fatness doesnt equal beautiful or some shit like ok whatever i think theyre hot af but surr push ur views on2 me

like DUUDDEEEE trying 2 explain that sexiness is a person fucking opinion & not a fact just goes over EVERY1S HEAD

like hi. im trying 2 explain a concept & trying 2 b patient bc im basically destroying how uve lived ur entire life but pls listen 2 meee

4 some reason my family love 2 compare me & themselves 2 eachother & im so tired of that

i am not like u i dont want 2 b like u bc u make me so depressed i want 2 hurt myself 4 bing aeound u

when my brother compares me 2 our parents its in an effort 2 “change myself 4 the better” but i dont think this criticism actually helps me. it just makes me feel more like shit bc now i feel like im the person that hurt me so i hurt others & UGHHH its awful

my mother has compared me 2 my father in order 2 try 2 get me on her side. things like “thats what ur father would say.” “ur father thinks the same way” ect ect along those lines & its stupid & annoying & i h8 it

MY FATHER THO IS THE WORSSTTT 1 OF THEM ALL

he compared me 2 himself when its a positive trait & my mother when its a negative trait

“oh i 4got ur phone in the kitchen? haha u got that from me” “u 4got what day it is? u r ur mothers child”

“see ur smart & dont care about others opinions. u remind me of myself” “ur so sensitive like ur mother.”

“reading books & preferring physical materials? loving the library? u r my.. daug-child” “creativity? yeah thats ur mothers side of u”

“i like that we can talk about hard hitting questions during shows that dint distract us & let us dig deeper in2 whatever or smth.” “u talk so much. just like ur mother”

LIKE UGHHHH

ive only “rlly got 2 know him” in the oast 2 yrs bc b4 that he was rlly uhmm… absent? not gone but i just. idk he was much more of an alcoholic & seemed 2 care more about work then me

apparently thr thing that snapped him out of that mindset was when i told him i didnt have many memories of him

which

i dont

bc i just dont. unless its him bing drunk n shit & arguing/fighting like isk what 2 tell u

& OHHH my god im still confused about this memory i have bc 2 me ifs as fresh as daisies but my mother told me smth about thag night that i dont remmeber

in trying 2 incriminate my father she said smth WILDLY uncomfortable & now i have no idea if its true or not bc im sure its jot but what if it was & holy mother of jesus that scares me

bc i dont trust her but i want 2 & ik she cares about me but what if shes just trying 2 get me on her side BUT WHAT IF ITS TRUE.

that night was scary enough i dont need 2 think sbout it more mannn

ugh i h8 family vacations

like just any family outting. we got a flat tire bc father wouldnt listen when we daid “hey dont drive on sharp rocks” & then every1 got pissed @ eachothrr & then @ ME WHEN I TRIED 2 B OPTIMISTIC. then when waiting 4 a pick up 2 help us they got blasted drunk & my dad started hitting me in the fucking truck & when we got bsck 2 town my brother picked only ME up bc he doesnt care 4 my parents & he said i was the victim in that? sure whatever

but when my parents came home they started a fucking fight w/them while ienas in the shower so i got out & started 2 record the aufio bc i coudlnt rlly,,, like get out? my father threatening 2 fight my brother pushing him in2 corners forcing him out the soor my mother “trying” 2 make “them” stop but just making it worse bc again. victim complex she needs 2 b in the middle of eveything

& my brother just wanted 2 help me i feel so so so bad

the time when we were out of state bc my brother was moving away((has since been manipulated back yay go mother)) & my father fucking left my mother & i there. took the car & just drove back home. it wasnt the worst we had a hotel room & had a car but it still sucked.

we didnt have many vacations when i was younger bc my father was always working so my mother would take us places & honestly it was better bc she would always put on a persona like how she does when she works yk?

bit when my father would join 4 things like birthdays it always ended up in drunk fights & threats. even if we were bringing friends w/us on trips 2((not the birthday 1s))

there r times when my mother has gotten oanic attacks in the car from the way my father drives & i get like 2nd hand panic from that bc, ofc i do. & my father just gets pissed off @ her?? also my mother & i get vry motion sick so the way he drives also triggers that like crazy. but he gets upset when we mention it or constantly tell him 2 calm down bc if he doesnt stop switching lanes & taking sharp turn 1 or both of us will b throwing up.

& its usally me saying it bc im the only 1 who has the fucking balls apparently bc I DONT WANT 2 PUKE. & my mother cries so easily from him but she also abuses him & UGHHH ITS SO ANNOYINGLY COMPLICATIED

oh its also awful when my mother drives tho bc she drives drunk if were hanging out. like only if its me & her & omg i let her get away w/it way 2 much.

trying 2 convince her 2 pull over bc shes having a panic attack while shes drunk is not fun. on the interstate. its not fun.

like thats not all its just oh so tiring mann ughh woe is me i suppose

theres many times also when my father will just abandon 1 of us on the street. like ONLY if its only 1 of us in the car tho bc if theres another person they would prolly protest

ive been l8 2 school((& lost)) multiple times & man i got so many detentions bc i just couldnt wake him up which fair on that but god god god fucking damnit

just the power move of trying 2 get the other person 2 shut up bc ur having an argument by threatening 2 leave them on the side of the road or 2 not drive them somewhere or not pick them up is smth my dad consistently does 2 this day. not 2 me much anymore bc ive “learned my lesson” & i can usually talk my way out of it but he did do it 2 my mother like 2 weeks ago bc of such dumb reasons

it was so frustrating trying 2 express myself about trans shit & then getting like told he would force me out if i kept getting upset @ him so i just shut up about anything gender related until i was 18 bc that was the rule

& its useless bc i dont even have a say 4 myself still so who gives a shit i h8 everyhting it makes me so sad like y did i just let myself do that? y did i let myself intentionally get hrut?? bc i was scared?? i fucking guess. bc i wanted 2 prove myself? i had false hope. like its so frustrating

its apparently normal 4 families 2 fight but i dont like it. “ofc u would prefer ur friend u dont fight” like i think thats how its supposed 2 work?

then getting told “oh thats just how our family is. no1 would get us were unique were not like the other sheep families” like FUCK THAT i want 2 eat DINNER W/U

shout out 2 never eating dinner 2gether so when i did @ friends places i was scared & awkward

haha. fun. shout out 2 explaining im scared of helling but telling my friend im not when they do it then them telling me “thats not normal” i said yeah it is

i think about that a lot. bc i think thats when i rlly started 2 realize how not normal my family is. back in like elementary school.

my brother telling us his friends dont like them((our parents)) bc theyve been scared of them. like huh. when u dont grow up in a toxic environment ur able 2 tell when somethings toxic! go figure

& its rlly frustrating bc IK my parents r not inherently bad ppl. they care 4 us in their own fucked up way. they tried their best. they want the best 4 us & vowed 2 not let us grow up like them.

which, in a roundabout way actually did make is grow up like them but in like a different font.

my father has talked about not wanting us 2 b afraid of him bc he was afraid of his dad bc he would beat his ass. he didnt want us 2 worry about money.

but in a weird way that like, did make me incredibly afraid of him.

bc he worked all the time 2 get money, he was stressing himself out((& it wasnt just 4 my brother & i it was also bc my mother was pressuring tf iut of him & berating him about it)) but BC he was always working i never saw him. so when i did see him he was tired but he has insomnia & cant sleep 4 shit so he would drink 2 go 2 sleep

but he would drink a lot

but the drinking made him drunk of fucking course so he would argue w/mother & so eventually all i came 2 know him as was some1 who only yelled & fought

& that makes me scared of him.

hes forceful. hes self righteous. hes aggressive & if u dont think of him as right he will make u.

& he still is all of these things its just toned down bc hes stopped drinking as much. which has raised more probelms but i cannot b bothered 2 type them out hell no

but hes often told me that he fucked up more than his father. bc of the memory thing yk? when i told him i rlly dont have any good memories of him he broke down bc while he was scared of his dad, he still loved him & admired him. he had memories of his dad teaching him 2 fish & things like that

& i can tell hes improved as a dad i think. i mean im trying 2 b more supportive about it then my brother

giving him space when he finally gets sleep like,,, normal etiquette & also letting him vent 2 me or ask me uncomfortable questions. i try 2 answer them so he understands yk

i also try 2 push him 2 think himself tho bc he rlly just cant think outside of his bubble. like its extremely annoying. he will talk about how smart he is then say how the media is all liberal so he watches fox news 2 combat that like i get it i just want ppl 2 approve ur fucked up world view holy shit

but i can see him realizing like, what it is not 2 b such a hard person bc when i hugged him when he came back from a trip, he like, remembered

he was tired((3 days no sleep)) & just drove back but when he came home i gave him a hug bc idk, im a physical affection person & it kills me 2 b uncomfortable w/affection so ive been working on that. but also it just looked like he needed it

but he told me the next day about how much it meant 2 him so mayb hell understand?? sonething?? that i dont h8 him exactly,,, i think. but that i treat him the way i do bc of how hes treated me? & when hes less of a shit bag im less allergic 2 him?

idk that feels like how my mother treats him which puts a fowl taste in my mouth but i swear on my life its different. like i swear im not trying 2 manipulate him in2 doing what i want

which he seems 2 think i do try 2 do that? mostly in ways like of trying 2 make him think differently

which i will not deny. i would rather him not b transphobic & racist & whatever but hotdog its hard

this seems 2 b a common trait among all my family tho. when i try 2 explain a concept & then them telling me i got brainwashed by the media?? like mayb but also im not a h8ful person just bc of some1 existing so i think thats alright

its like the 1 point i can talk w/my mother tho. like its the only time she will listen. ALSO WHEN MY BROTHER SAID HE UNDERSTOOD THEY/THEM PRONLUNS?!?!? HOLY SHIT!!! i mean i dont use them BUT THE FACT HE ACKNOWLEDGES THEM MAKES ME SO HAPPY BC IT MEANS HE HAS BASIC HUMAN RESPECT

i mean did he out me 2 my fathers side of the family & now im scared 2 talk 2 them? yeah

but thats just bc i havent talked 2 them since i was in diapers & then when i did it was strange bc they were so normal ((minus the slight racism but they just,,, r white & live in utah. like seriously i like tea bc its good nor bc im asian & my hair is a natural color its not dyed. no u cant touch it???? no i dont speak asian wtf)) snyways but they did grow up mormon so hahah afriad

y r u as a man a mormon? u want more men? huh? is that it?

no but anyways yeah im scared of them. which is strange bc theyre rlly nice

but i think i just cant accept ppl in my family bing nice & accepting 2 me bc its rlly scary. like. i have cousins. i have fucking cousins & theyre younger than me & im scared of them

even on my mothers side im scared of my family

& its not just that but ive convicned myself that i feel alienated from them bc im also half asian so i just dont “fit in”

i dont. look like them. i dont have sinilar intrests im weird y am i crying

fuck y is it so hard 2 make human connection 4 me mannn like its rlly annoying i just want 2 b hapoy & talk 2 ppl but ive convinced myself every1 h8s me & my existence & that im annoying & irritating & have nothing if value 2 contribute 2 every so y would i bother them or any1 & i h8 myself 4 it so much

like no fucking wonder i like that fucked up fox boy sm r u shitting me. this shot stinksss mannn

& it also hurts bc my brother called me dumb 4 thinking like this bc hes never ever thought of it b4. which

fair enough ig

he doesnt care much 4 things like that.

but ig i just do

i think it all stemmed from my mother always pointing out im HALF asian like ALWAYS correcting me. & it just spiraled from there bc when i was younger i never even noticed i was asian yk what i mean? childhood innocence “i didnt see color” lol

but whenever i started 2 grow up & say smth like “its so strnage that ive noticed ppl dont eat rice 4 ever meal! bc as some1 whos asian-“ then she would cut me off & say “HALF asian”

& honestly it fucked me up 4 no goddamn reason.

like literally who cares. i say. as im crying tears. like i rlly dont understand y i care sm but it jsut hurts

like i dont feel whole. i dont belong in 1 or the other & its stupid ik but my brain still convinces me its true.

that bing said its always strange bc ppl consider me just asian. like i never had 2 clarify so it makes me wonder y my mother feels so vindictive 2 do so

like in 7th grade we were doing this gene thing. & guess what, the 2 asian kids were paired 2gether. so we basically just asked about facial features & based on the score we got we would b put in2 a certian number group

which makes sense ok its like basic understanding of how genetics works 4 beginners

but when calling the numbers, we both stood up 4 like number 13

& ONLY US

every1 turned 2 look @ us when a kid went “woah & its the inly asians” like ok lmao

but it just kinda makes me think about how no1 fucking cares that im wasian. im just asian & white. im both.

i am not a percentage of 1 that will tell me if im more white or asian it doesnt rlly work like that. u cant split me in half & say this is the white side & this is the asian side.

logically.

emptionally all that shit gets thrown out the middle bc of fuckign course ur half & half u twinkie bitch

i feel like ive lost the point of whatever im typing

it was noce 2 just kinda vent about it whicj i do way 2 often lol

will i post this? mayb mayb not. it is noce 2 post these tho bc 1, this is my blog its me. 2, it makes them feel lore real

like less imagination i suppose?

idk. wheneve i share these thoughts or recount these memories 2 my family it always gets pushed aside so i just kinda, want them here. ig

i mean ok i havent actually shared some of these thoguhts 2 them. like i mostly avoid talking about my od bc they dont want 2 hear about how they make me h8 myself way more than i alr do & when i even slightly hint @ that shit they press me more like “what did i dooo” like ok let me go down the list again

then jts the whole “prove it” like shit alright i have some recordinfd from thr last 2 hrs but thats it do u want those? no? u dont? bc they make u upset? ok

i got a christmas card from my grandma & grandpa & my grandma wrote about how she was interested in my like etsy store & wanted 2 hear morr about my adventures

which is crazy bc i havent talked 2 them since,,, shit like the last time i talked 2 them lol uhhh b4 they moved away. like way b4

but the fact that she remmebered is insane 2 me

its the same way i feel when my mother remmebers my favorite color is pink or when she knows i like tmnt

like when j started getting in2 comics & talk her about the last ronin & how i wanted 2 read it bc uhm guess who my fav turtle bro is. but i didnt expect he 2 remmeber snything or b interested @ all but she got me the whole fucking book

off of like amazing yk. but she saw that & got me it & thats insane 2 me

my mother often tries 2 buy back my affection which unfortunately works bc she actually lsitens 2 me

like 4 christmas she got me a new keyboard thats quieter bc ig she remembered whne i told her that my brither conplains that my keyboard is 2 loud @ night so i wanted a new 1 so i didnt wake him

& just

its things like that when ik she genuinely cares about me. like, how i remmeber her when i was younger, b4 she put on some sort of persona all the time

not that she buys me shit btw bc i rlly wished she stopped doing that but the fact she listens 2 me. like woah.

like she KNOWS i like flash & superman!! LIKE SHE KNOWS I LIKE THEM BETTER THAN BATMAN!! SHE KNOWS THIS!! i mean she cant rlly recall my favorite characters but i dont expect her 2 im honestly just super impressed he cared that much about my interests @ all

it makes me like glad. in a say like how my friends would remember my favorite characters. like when ie wtched toilet bound hanokokun i like tsukasa aka his brother fav character right there & MY BESTIE WAS ABLE 2 TELL THE DIFFERENCE BTWEEN THE BROTHERS BC THEY PAID ATTENTION 2 ME??

like they knew i love tohru from dragon maid & that i live snufkin so dearly they got me a silly gay ass moomins hoodie 4 my birthday

or that i called myself a dogboy as a silyl bht semi yk real bc haha cope cope cope & THEY GOT ME DOG EARS & I JUST

i regret so much bcoming scared of them

like i fear how bad of a friend that i am that i distanced myself from them bc im convinced they h8 me

but when i remmeber these things im like no obviously they cared enough 2 listen 2 u & also share interests w/u & hang out w/u on fucking skype & play ur games cause u played theirs & its so stupid im so stupid

im such an idiot i want 2 talk w/them again

theyve been my best friend since 4th grade ive known them since i was in 1st & they were the 1st person i came out 2 & when i thought i was about 2 b h8ed & casted aside they said no u idiot i care 4 u holy shit im an idiot

y am i so scared of them y do i not thijk im worthy of their time theyre my best friend i miss them

so much

i love them sk much & ive neve tild them bc ive been scared 2 say it 4 so long till this yr bc i genuinely love ppl & i want them 2 know i regret it so much

ive always been afraid of being close 2 them like sitting in the same bed or couch 2 watch a show bc ive always been sfraid o how bad i smell cause ive been told my entire life that i smell like shit bc i fucking do bc im 2 fucking broken 2 take shwoers ir properly take care of myself

but they wanted me 2 they wanted me 2 & i dont undertsnd & i feel so bad 4 not letting myself get closer bc when i ddi 2 another frind & they told me i dont smell like shit i dont know i dont knoww

i miss them so much ive hugged them like once & i want 2 do it again but i definitely dont deserve it after distancing myself like this

& it sucks bc this is exactly what my parents want man

they h8 their family & them bc they “changed me”

which rllt just means they made me more comfortable bing myself but whatever. they made me “loud” they made me “trans” ((even tho i came out 1st 2 them???” they r manipulating me & THEY STILL BRING THEM UP DISPITE ME NOT TALKING 2 THEM IN LIKE 7 MONTHS,, & that was just over text

i rlly miss them i miss all mybfriends but i dont think they should deal w/the baggage that is whatever the fuck i am mannn

i just rlly hope they dont think of me bc it will bring on bad feelings & i dont want 4 them

im sobbing way 2 much i started making sound

yk i was just quietly sobbing b4 but i started thinking about mt best friend & i just couldnt hold it back in this sucks

every since i considered them a friend my parents have been telling me how theyre awful & manipulate me

& how they dont like them or their family & i think its a pile of horse shit bc if anything were the manipulative bastards like tf & its partly my parents fuslt that i dont interact w/them bc i just cannot take my parents bing awful shit bags 2 them & their family 4 litterly just existing

i can take transphobia directed @ me whatever but the instant any of them being up them i lose it. i scream i yell i push away

like its so fucking aggravating.

i dont think theyre perfect. they dont think theyre perfect ik that. but the fact that my parents theink they & i do is SO ANNOYING

stop basing everything u belive in on fucking fiction, i dont live in ur imagination

i sm real. they r real. were ppl mot concepts u can play around w/& i cannot wrap my head around how that doesnt make sense

i miss my best friend

i miss bing a kid, but in the way i was hapoy bc i ddint understand or care 4 these things

now i can grasp them slightly better & my brain turns them agaisnt me & hurts me 4 no fucking reason so now i i want 2 just disappear & woopsie daisy fuck me blehhh

did yk i cant play muliplayer games bc they make me cry? i get so scared of playing w/other ppl that i start panicking & crying

but i played w/my friends bc they like multiplayers & they would accommodate 4 me & hype me up & i fucking miss positivity so much

bc like i would play like idv right? my im so insecure anout my skill & my friedn was higher rank so they used an alt account 2 pkay w/me even tho they said i was good enough 2 play w/their main

like its such a nice thing that i dont think theh noticed they said or did they were just. functioning as they normally did as a nice fucking considerate person & i crying iver it

im fucking crying

& i stopped talking 2 them bc im as asshole. & when i told them y i want them 2 stay away they said but ur not. but ur not ur just a dick sometimes & i want 2 cry bc wtf is the difference mann ejfjk what is the dofference

im so scared 2 reach out despite constantly crying out a call. ill work up 2 it i want 2 i need 2 i just rlly want 2. i just panic so fucking much i start crying like literally whats wrong w/me

whats the difference btween talking on tumblr & talkiing on discord/msgers?? what is it??? i dont know

my headaches gone down slightly now so im going 2 make food 4 myself

& prolly cry some more anyways

[roxyzwritez]

Stevens Trauma, and My Own Parallels.

tw: SH, su1c1d3 mentions, mental unwellness. this post gets fucking depressing. under the cut is my tale. im definitely not channeling that one person who makes detailed and really good analyses of stevwn universe... completely unrelated haha impatheticsometimes

alright. steven meltdown arc. love it.

i dont have ptsd but there are definitely relatable parts. "i need to help everyone and forget about myself" is how i spent covid. very (unintentionally) toxic atmosphere with my old friend group. a congregation of mentally unstable teens. everyone, essentially daily, having hard suicidal moments. and me panickimg and trying to talk them out of it. i wasnt amazing at it cuz they tried anyway, maybe going back at the last minute. never lost anyone, prob out of hard luck. the need to help. i was exhausted but i kept going. our collective signal for feeling suicidal was a :) and every time i see it i feel uneasy. even if only for a second. but it doesnt go away. its horrifying. i see it and i start overanalyzing the context it was used. does this person want to commit? how can i help? ok maybe i do have some trauma.

not talking abt my problems to make ppl happy. the amount of times i wanted to kms and i put a little :) in my status and id get flooded with messages. it felt painfully nice having ppl care (genuinely painful: hated myself. ppl being warm and supportive and caring made me cry and made me ANGRY. i felt like a fraud- oh hey, that sounds familiar!) and i would be like nono, see im fine. id essentially try to weakly gaslight my fucking friends into believing i was perfectly fine. oh that status saying i want to die? idk what ur talking about bro... not me! that post in my channel talking abt me hating myself? ur just imagining things. guess what? i knew that was wrong. it made me hate myself even more. i put up barriers and cut myself off from my closest ppl. i actually blocked people or just ignored them. i would push ppl away and, somehow despite their own problems, they still stuck by my side. god i would subtly ask for help and then get upset when someone answered. id be like no this isn't how youre supposed to do this. id be like you dont know how bad i am. im so horrible. (i had fuel for this too- i am into very taboo shit and i hate it honestly. yeah its fiction but i just. eygh. its all just trauma related im assuming but that doesnt help.) of course i never shared exactly what but i hoped they'd take my word for it. they always saw thru my bullshit lol.

one time. someone who was very good at comforting me was tryinh to get me to imagine a happy place. just to think of when im feeling bad. i was having none of it. but they did the right thing and continued. i freaked the fuck out and deleted my channel- with months of history. gone. and i blamed them. i was so angry at myself and them but more so me. i was so horrible there. i was like YOU COULDVE JUST STOPPED LIKE I TOLD YOU TO. i made them feel like shit.

i lost my train of thought but yeah as cr1tikal said, that's about it have a good o-

[tonydaddingham]

the reading comprehension on this godforsaken website is genuinely insane. it's such shit ppl went after you for responding. fwiw you singlehandedly restored my faith in the GO fandom a little while back, some of the only well thought-out takes for miles (til i started clicking on the reblogs n found more). there was nothing wrong with defending yourself from people who didn't even read the meta. for something you put this much effort into, it'd be weirder not to be defensive

ive sat on the whole thing over the last dozen or so hours now, with a good mixture of upset, anger, some kind of numbness, and incredible amounts of anxiety. i posted that response out of the second; i was really angry, and i flew off the handle. whilst i don't appreciate being told by the other anon that i shouldn't be so attached/shouldn't have been so upset, they have a point, and were right to highlight (intentionally or not) at the very least that that is the root of the problem. i likened the fiasco to some secondary school bullshit, but i didn't realise - or want to acknowledge - that that applied to me too. the whole thing has reawakened ancient history that i thought i had gotten over years ago - more than a decade ago, even - and it very much turns out that that isn't the case, and was simply buried. the uncomfortable thing i also ran into is that the incident has made me re-examine myself with a little more, and definitely overdue, scrutiny - the post attacked at what i now think was my ego, and my over-confidence, and sense of entitlement. that's so uncomfortable to admit, but here we are.

i don't mind people disagreeing with me, but i still stand firm that i don't think sending an ask ridiculing someone, or adding tags that equally can be interpreted as being plain unkind, is a nice thing to do. it's shit - i felt humiliated, and self-conscious in a fandom that until this point, for all my controversial takes 😂 - had made me feel that i had a space to share them, and whilst may not be agreed with, would still be valued by nature of them belonging to a person. i have no doubt that everything on that post wasn't at all personal, but it still felt that what i had spent a lot of time, excitement, and joy writing was worthy of being laughed at, as if i were stupid for writing it (let me be clear - idc if people think the original post and the take within it is wrong, that's absolutely fair enough). it then called into question - what else have people been nice to me about, politely interacting with me about, and yet elsewhere those same people are being horrible about it?

that line of overthinking is entirely my issue, that's noone else's fault, but i do think that had these people just simply kept their opinion to a DM, or somewhere else where the original poster is unlikely/not going to see it, it might have all been avoided. people are entitled to share their opinion, i have no issues with that fact, but it can have consequences... just like the consequences of me rb'ing it once the anger had set in, and i ceased to think rationally. i am sorry that i reacted out of anger, without much - if any - rational thought; that it was bitchy as fuck, and - without the maelstrom of emotion attached to it, as it was from my perspective - it was objectively uncalled for. im embarrassed i reacted like that, and im aware that its only served to make me come across as even more ridiculous than the original post ever could 😂 but i want to settle in with what this has brought up, especially the shitty stuff that i thought i had long gotten over, and look at why i reacted the way i did - i think i was right to defend myself, but perhaps not in the way that i did.

as a separate note, and just really as a PSA to anyone waiting on me in my ask box or has sent me messages - im going to halt on posting any original posts/asks for a while (knowing me, because i can't help myself, a 'while' will probably be like a day). that's in part because im shitting bricks about posting anything in general (this ask response included), but also because - like i said before - i don't want to continue posting stuff when im now wondering how much is coming from a less-than-humble place - im worried that it's a lot more than i ever thought, which is vulnerable, but that's how it goes.

[jakowskis]

SOMEONE ELSE WHOSE FAV GWEN MOMENT IS HER RETCONNING RHYS 🤝🤝🤝 briefly became the joker of my friend group for saying how much I love that scene. it's a delight

ITS A GREAT SCENE they were worried abt leaving it in the ep bc they knew it'd polarize fans + i know a lot of ppl do in fact hate that scene (gwen bashers who cant handle women's wrongs 🙄) but i love it. im a rhys enjoyer + i think he deserves the best AND i love how fucked up gwen treats him, these things can coexist. gwen and rhys are easily the most compelling canon relationship in tw to me just cuz they feel very real - we spend the most time with them and we see their ups and downs so often. i love how they oscillate between lowkey toxic as hell (people always hold gwen to a high standard but there was def a few times rhys made me 😬 over how he talked to her, too) and cute + stable. i love how theyre fucked up too, like with rhys being an everyman they could've easily kept him & gwen's relationship in a very boring uneventful place but no theyre nuanced anyway n i love it.

and with gwen! it's such a good peek into what kind of person she is (/pos - well, /pos in a sense of like 'i don't judge characters for their actions, i judge characters for being boring, so if a character compels me by having a shitty moment THAT'S wonderful'). i love the manipulativeness of it, the selfishness and desperation. gwen's 'tell me im good tell me im good tell me im good' (dee from iasip) moment hfsdjkds. she doesnt need genuine forgiveness (in a sense of rhys going "i know what you did and i forgive you for it"), she just wants empty words to give herself some peace of mind, bc if she actually told him she'd risk losing him and she isn't willing to let him go... i love that. i love it sm.

also interesting that it's featured in an episode about base human nature, about humans being stripped back to what's underneath, specifically the ugly bits - one of the themes of gwen's character is that she's a very "have my cake and eat it, too" sort. she's constantly trying to balance things that aren't compatible, like there's... mmm i can't think of or find a vocabulary word that implies an emotional/relational sort of greed dhsfkj. but that's present with her character as an underlying theme, it's like she spreads herself thin but not necessarily in a way that's detrimental to her? it's like she has this perpetual need to juggle many things just to prove to herself that she can. maybe she needs the stimulation, i dunno. i think it's an interesting quality. i think it's also something she's not necessarily proud of, maybe she feels gluttonous in it, which is why i mention it in the context of the 'combat' episode, where mark harps on and on about how modern men are angry and frustrated but not allowed to be, and how he thinks they should give into that base emotion in order to evolve. gwen does her own version of this, with pride/greed instead of wrath - she gives into her own selfishness, and her character evolves as a result. not for the better, according to some, but i personally find gwen's moral devolution super compelling. (also, on another note, the men feeling justified in giving into their ugly rage even though it's not socially acceptable, and in fact it not being socially acceptable makes them even more interested in doing it - but the woman giving into a cruel instinct but feeling intense guilt and shame for it even though it's a private moment... sounds about right.)

also ive said this elsewhere but in the director's commentary of that ep burn gorman was clapping his hands and giggling over that scene HFKSJDH one of us

[definitelynotnia]

sorry i have to rant or i will cry i hate when im so angry that the anger comes out as tears

tw: random guy being a general asshole abt lgbtq and trans ppl so if you dont wanna deal with that today, cz ik there's already enough hate literally everywhere online, then please save yourself from this burden and move along, i hope u have a nice day bcz if i cant then someone should

i just spent my whole afternoon arguing with this guy- it was such a waste of my time i haven't slept properly last night and i wanted to take a nap but my nap time is GONE i hate this i told him im done with this conversation and that i dont give a shit about him enough to want to educate him on things and have him change his opinion i TOLD HIM IM DONE i told him that he can keep his opinion shoved up his ass and as long as he doesn't bully people i dont give a shit i was READY TO GO TAKE MY NAP but nooo this bitch is like "just say you've run out of valid points" like BITCH NO.

i can't have valid points to counter you with because all the points ur giving me are utter bullshit like how the fuck am i supposed to reply to "ppl assigned male at birth wearing skirts and make up is worse than war" like WHAT???? DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF??? ARE YOU INSANE? what the fuck am i supposed to respond to that with? except that trans people aren't hurting anyone and war is, and he's like "at least war can be contained, these people are spoiling the mentality of the youth" like YOU ARE THE SPOILED YOUTH not the other way around, im like listen if you were really pressed about children and how trans inclusivity impacts children then you would have at least read more about that but if your first point is only "they're doing surgery on children" then clearly you have not even done as much as a simple google search so we both know that you just heard that in some random reel and went with it and you dont give two shits about the supposed 'children being made to undergo surgery', which they're not, and all you actually care about is looking cool and edgy by hating on the lgbtq community because thats whats in trend right now in india. he's like these people are too privileged why cant they just shut up and enjoy life they are rich like first of all rich people can have problems too??? also being able to afford therapy and gender affirming care does not equal to rich thats like saying if someone in ur family has any chronic illness ur automatically rich like ??? also poor people are trans too? and im so sick of these ppl thinking being trans is just an american thing or a first world problem like brother no? you are literally living in india trans people are mentioned in the FUCKING SCRIPTURES are u KIDDING ME? being trans is not a new sudden occurence its been there for longer than you have. like literally after 2 hours of conversation the only points he could think of to hate on lgbtq for no reason is

they are rich and privileged so they shouldnt have problems

if they have a problem with their gender they should keep it to themself and not fight it (??????)

they are running from their problems (they are literally solving the problem thats the part which everyone is mad abt its when trans people try to solve the problem by being okay with expressing themselves freely and to counter i said that even alcoholics are running from their problems ive never seen any of u andrew tate cocksuckers ever make a "joke" bullying alcoholics he's like thats different like literally all his "points" are him just saying whatever and then if u try to explain it with logic he'll be like no but thats ok bcz i said so and this is wrong bcz i said so like fuck you dude)

they shouldnt have rallies and stuff because there's more important things like war that the government should focus on (he was the one who said "war is a beacon of peace there cannot be peace without war" when i had first mentioned that its ironic that out of all the bad things happening in the world rn LIKE war the biggest thing he's worried about is a "man" wearing a skirt but ok sure now all of a sudden war is a big boo boo and we should all be focusing on that, so basically when he wants to hate on ppl war is irrelevant but when a marginalised group wants to fight for their rights that time war is the most important point and no one elses suffering is valid bcz there is war)

it is spoiling today's youth (im not even gonna talk about this because i do not see how people living their lives and just existing is considered "spoiled" and "corrupt" but people regularly hating on, bullying and degrading a whole ass community just because they are uneducated swines lacking critical thinking skills and a spine that saw some 'famous' youtuber or influencer or wtv or maybe a reel with 'dark humor' dissing on lgbtq and pronouns and 'blue haired girls' and now they thing they're oh so cool and edgy and dIfFeReNt and "not like those woke snowflakes" just cz they degrade and bully a whole community of people every chance they get)

im so done im SO DONE with this bullshit its EVERYWHERE its a trend now to be hateful and mean and an asshole to anyone who isnt "normal" according to heteronormative standards. i understand not having an opinion, to some extent ok i get it you're young you don't need to be involved in this yet but no, they want to have an opinion but they will do no research they physically shudder at the thought of reading a book and god forbid they actually google up a trustworthy article to confirm some of the bullshit they believe they will do none of this but they will scream and shout about how lgbtq is the problem and magically that is the only "social issue" they care about and they care soo vehemently apparently that they have to post about it and make dArK jOkEs about it and use slurs and degrade them every chance they get because THEY are harmful yes sure you who are actively spreading hate are the angelic saviours of society and a community of people JUST EXISTING are the ones that are harmful, right.

[elytrafemme]

and to be totally and honestly a little selfish here, yeah i do get angry and i do distrust when ppl seem to figure out a mental health diagnosis within 5 minutes. and obviously this is not a good metric, what i think is wrong or not, bc i have no authority and sometimes this DOES happen but i think its like internal frustration bc like.

idk with my BPD right its like. to recap ppl (mostly w/ BPD) have told me i had BPD since i was 13 and for reasons i like belieeved that heavily then completely discredited it but for years i was trying 2 seek an explanation for these things throwing my emotions off entirely and i would fight with my therapist like. why can’t you just tell me. and she’d go i don’t do diagnoses and also i don’t know. and i’d get angrier and angrier. 

and eventually what got me to the BPD revelation was (1) ppl w/ BPD i knew pushing like “yeah you should definitely look into it”  (2) heavy heavy HEAVY research like 2+ years worth of consulting every possible source abt BPD and continual research and learning even now and (3) my therapist and i kinda coming to terms with like... ill never get a diagnosis but my symptoms do match up and its the best way to explain it and the best way to find people who relate and so she doesnt blame me for telling ppl i have BPD. which shes anti diagnosis but i take all of that as a sign of like... yeah ok. 

but the point is ive been fucking invested and researching BPD and literally have gone through EVERY OTHER EXPLANATION. to try and rule out what it could be. and ive had to reconsider seriously “why do i want a diagnosis? do i want to find this?” ive put in so much fucking work just to get to this point where people still do NOT beleive me even the people closest to me and its not that they doubt me but they just they don’t get what im saying they dont listen.

so when someone tells me “wait... maybe I have BPD lmao” bc i inarticulately explained something and had to water out all the portions that make it like a really really shitty thing for ppl who love me to hear its like. idk. i get upset.

[killyourkind]

im just making everyobodh angry n shit like and i feel like nobody likes me either like im in this server with my friend and his other friends and infeel like they dont fw me at all?!?!? i just sit there watching them go on call and shit like that and have fun and go out but i cant and im kaking everybodh mad i feel like my family gets so pissed at me for just getting a little over excited and i just cant do much right at all my job sucks i cant i literally just cant how tf am i already wallowing on the second day of the year i dont even know anymore i just want everybody to leave me alone but dont but i want it but i cant have it i have things to do but i hate having things to do i get told im funny and shit but they get confused out of my jokes i speak and i have to repeat what i said bc nobody can hear me bc i speak too quiet bc if i speak too loud i hurt my own ears i cant why cant anyone jusg like get me i dont know thats not the right way to put it but nobody can just be me but i woukd hate it if someone were me bc im annoying snd mopey (obv)

i jusg dant rlly idk anymore school starts again soon i cant handle this school its so boring and its so unfufilling i hate what ive chosen i hate this path ive gone down i hate just about wverything but j cant hate everything i have bc ppl have it worse than me and i cant get that stupid thought out of my head i hate evrrything but ppp have it worse and thats blocking me from being fully sad i fucking hate it fuck everyone else i dont give two fuckingn shits if ure homeless or poor or whatever the fuvk u got going on this is about me its just me its all me this is all me in this rant nobody else fuck the homelesss fuck the poor fuck the everybody inbetween just fuck off i hate everyone i hate everything i hate just exisiting honestly i just cant handle it anymore what the fuvk is up with pieces of shit i cant im unlikable im unattractive ima. piece of shit i suck i hate literally everythig man i ahye evrryone im being so serious i do theres onot one eprosn rn i enjoy except maynard and i hate it i hate it so much that j rely on two ppl that font veen know i exist for my happiness and clmfort i hate it so much i have ppl that i can talk to but they dont give me the things i need but they do but they dont even know it they dint even know i exist in the slightest i dont know what im gonna do with my life ik trying to figure it out but i jjst know where im gonna ultimately end up just dead somewhere i have no future no life ahead of me i try to look for it sk hard but i cant find it theres nothing ahead of me i jjst live day to day waiting dor the next thing ti come i hate just everything fuck everyone and this fucking shitty world i hate it i hate my head i hate it so fucking much fungn maybard gig

[barbiebuttnaked]

Boring, lame 😒 TikTok Colors on tumblr ! , having Fun trying to fossil ice 🧊 me, you think I’m a cold evil pampered fagget, that has no clue what to do ! Slaughter Daugther till it beats Emily Rose but Sucks at getting rape slapped abused not satisfying you only making more angry & hate me even more What a waste of life, I can’t believe this, the Bitch wants a boyfriend to deliver that reality to you guys, me actually getting fucked by Seus, isn’t that why you hate me & bother my family always, because they gather all together & literally taking my life, wanting I phone exculsive personal ass pictures his discoverying like now 2024 & sucks ripping himself off, videos all over social platforms to get the lier no one cares or believes me, saying I’m a boy like the famous puppet everyone makes fun of, guy are always stealing cops till convincing them to hate this people for every single thing, im flatted out insane right now picking at my nerves, finding new ways making me a stupid spazz lost stare, making a revenge fuck out me, abusing me till the last second by watching me thinking of capital and real hard attempt murder since my ass that no guy has fucked is still alive Gay guys are killing me, I’m good, using blue to wash there shame your to deep into killing me, you don’t love my dad & you make him hate me, you want us working for the rest of our life’s like slaves & begging for real pleasure making thank ful da only sens free water💧& snacks, calling us the drag the fossilized by maximum capacity! Not because im stupid as much as you want to add to your scoreboard off tweakers luckly you ran into Barbie, Revenge Seeking Dragon that knows how to activate feelings of failure letting everyone of the hook without even knowing it getting a sweet spray off bliss for sucking as a cop, killing my own self by crying for what being done to me, 2 birds one stone white gloat on Eugenio & revenge sex that only you know, I named you Eugene threw me he told you you are my son Eugenio my dad, lord where Good, I can make money rapping, I want to sing but I noticed there also stealing my voice everywhere,you let ppl have me on hold while getting away with life experience human murder, & I’m the brute well that was years ago they trying there hardest to make me senile really unable to defend my self always eating there tricks strategies to get me killed or arrested by other unlawful 2024 cops that’s only going to make me more of a rat & a tweaker, only fouces in killing me & studying how I make out alive from rebel cheating killers, that are also accusing me,trying to make a stomp out of me, making you think I’m a piece of shit devils trash that should go in the city dumpster not a house, I was already going threw hell due to ppl playing with my brain 🧠 everyone uses horrible trying to profit off acusaciones, murder & bribe saying I’m fake getting the last laugh they say that about me all the time rising gay guy’s in my face for the city to see that I do nothing & hated even more for not being a dirty little slut, making me the brown, green, dry tweaker famine disrespectful alien isolated pure white not hot Latino touch, only the meth driven Mexican sicario that doesn’t deserve a beer but rehab because he wants to kill & the beer is the false courage that make him chant disrespectful shit, that does nothing but self harm hasn’t actually killed him self it’s killed not suicide it’s direct impact that I can’t think, it just wants everything to stop, didn’t get a chance think of suicide must be emotion less to get the cheapest useless worthless kill leaving him a ugly gay meth user everyone can’t stand on seeing, his gone just another blood sucking loser so they say when I’m being abused & humiliated by teens especially White boys that enjoy hating E the actual friendly fuck , framed that frames people dose not try in life, miserable dying his ass off like Eugene, who is Eugenio it can’t get angry, Barbie pissed being placed, put, forced to be a useless unwanted slut that no likes ! There Blanking My mind it’s Stops my Thinking #blog

[deadalienspace]

i think sometimes dni lists are needed. sometimes. in case when someone says this is safe space for xyz group of ppl, it's intended to be a space only for them to interact with each other and they deserve this one space without others butting in. then sure, i get why u need dni in that case. the idea sounds cool... but do likes count as interacting, that's good question.

however if dni lists concept is overused, it loses its purpose. so yea, more likely ppl u dont want to interact with, they will come to u to annoy u on purpose. it's weird but that's true.

also sometimes it's just connected to dislikes right? then just block things u don't like. it is that easy. really. tags filter, content filter, they are here for a purpose. even for things like, words u dont like sound of. for example photosynthesis, jiggle, or even chair. put that fucking chair in both filters. done, u are free from seeing and reading it at random times now. no chair, unless u decide to click on, view post with filtered tags. u will only know it's in the post, but u will quickly scroll down, and u will save urself from feeling uncomfy. ^^

mistagging is also common, but guess what, ppl can make mistakes. it's hard to decide what to put in tags sometimes. it's easier to write first thing that seem accurate, only later to discover, it got misinterpreted as tagging it wrong on purpose. that's okay. and even if that one mutual got angry at u for that, u can just apologise and go with ur day normally. if they like and respect u as a person, they won't unfollow and block and report u for smth so stupid as accidental mistagging :>

talking abt mutuals and followers. i often follow blogs i like vibes of, i think are cool, i consider different but interesting, i dont agree with but want to know more abt stuff posted there, and we don't even have to have shared interests or similar content. if i got told by everyone here that i can't interact with them, even by liking posts i like, it would make no sense. cuz hey, i simply like what u write, im not here to attack u personally.

of course my vibes can be confusing, considering i have no idea how to describe myself accurately, idk if my interests won't change, idk what's the purpose of my blog - i simply want ppl to feel safe and entertained while reading it, and if i had dni, it would feel unfair. there was time i wrote in my bio that everyone is welcome here except for terfs, bigots "etc" but it was badly worded so i gave up on creating dni lists. now it just says that i block ppl who make me super uncomfy :)

and i don't expect each every person i follow to follow me back and like my contect same amount as i like theirs. i like ur stuff, u don't have to like mine. why not just follow each other and coexist even if there's not much shared topics? if i don't feel safe and welcomed in some spaces i will simply ignore them. if it makes me feel big big emotions, i read like two posts, think abt it, and block. that's it.

i don't respect DNIs not in the sense i go out of my way to break them but in the sense that i don't respect DNIs as a concept and consider them to be something of a red flag in general.

i'm not sure how to explain it but it's the combination of usually putting very serious issues on the same level as fandom stuff, the fact that half the time people don't even know what they're against beyond 'the bad stuff' therefore even further watering these issues down, and the idea that other people are expected to manage your online existence for you.

there's a passiveness to it that i think is actually a problem and it does not surprise me in the slightest that people with DNIs tend to view what media they consume as activism. do you get what i'm saying.

[rabbid-rabbitt]

i think what my ex did to me is beyomd fucking me over

were both survivors of similar things, except im free and they were still stuck with their family. we knew each other for around 6 months and started dating because one of my parts fell in love with theirs, we fell quickly and many of our alters ended up dating each other passionately but most importantly my system head genuinely trusted them, she wanted to see them free and to spend our kives together. we created a planfor them to leave their abusive family and fly over to us where we would get married so they could legally settle here. my whole family knew about this and were willing to welcome them into our home, my stepdad, mum and i were going to get uo at 4am and drive 2 hours to the airport to pick them up. ny parents who have no obligation to this internet stranger who they have never met, were willing to pick them uo and welcome them into our familt because they saw how much i loved them and MY MUM EVEN SAID WE COULD END UP MOVING OUT SOON!! me moving out was something that was never mentioned before because i cant live alone and she doesnt trust others to take for me. but anyway me and my other partner (who they knew about and were friendly with) and his partner (also now my partner) spent a lot of time and emergy creating an escape plan with all of our knowledge of these groups and general safety information. my system spent hours and stayed up past exhaustion comforting our ex and giving them our whole heart in hopes they will escape and we would be able to live our lives together, we had plans to financially support them until they could legally get a job which would've been rlly hard on our situation but we were willing to do anything to get our FIANCE! YES WE WERE ENGAGED!!!! to safetyn happiness, we found them a therapist which they would aee when they came here so they could start deprogramming properly.

but on the day they were to escape, some things went wrong but we actually managed to them sorted and the airport staff themselves helped them get a direct flight here rather than a layover when they missed their first flight, we had plans to fix everything that went wrong and me and my other partner were by their side the whole time, i was shaking and on the verge of an anxiety attack irl while they were at the airport but after they got their new ticket they stopped responding. they were gone. obviously i thought i would never see them again because yk these groups work that way, fucking hell being shot point blank at an airport would be so much less embarrassing than what they actually did. i was so unwell that night my partner had ti comfort me and stayed up until i went to sleep because he was afraid id kill myself.

while i was asleep my ex talked to my other partner and a mutual friend where they apologised FOR DISAPPOINTING THEM! but when we finally got talking they had to be TOLD to apologise to me for them to actually do it then not even 24 hours after they hurt me so badly (which they coupdnt even explain btw) they asked if i would still marry them and then called my system head being angry at them a punishment over something beyond their control. they called their father to pick them up. they didnt share the fact they had a previous escape attempt that didnt work. they didnt follow the plan we worked tirelessly on and perfected. And had the audacity to be angry at our system head for being rightfully betrayed. they kept guilt tripping and acting like they were the victim until they just straight up ignored us for days, knowing that was an extreme trigger. which lead to a suicide attempt that we had an ambulance come for because my mum was too terrified to drive us to the hospital. now i did lash out at them, but they also said repeatedly to tell them how i feel and called rightful anger a punishment, im not proud of lashing out n i did apologise for it which more than they ever did for fucking us over so badly. in fact several ppl told me that i wasnt mean enough, that i handled it so well for how badly they fucked me over. during pur final talk where i demanded closure, it took them being ASKED by a mutual friend (in the chat to keep things civil) to give a half assed apology. like how are you that bad of a person you cant even apologise for fucking over your fiance who you dreamed of spendimg your life with..

anyway im out of the severe depressie episode they caused me because i had my meds upped but our system head has not recovered and in fact has changed anlot since we last properly saw her shes locked herself away and doesnt trust anyone anymore

[underscorecc]

2.

ive reached another time where i feel like i need to vomit out all the shit thats been churning in my psyche. you know that feeling where you dont want to go to sleep because of this subtle sensation in your stomach? I think its dissatisfaction, both with myself and with the people around me.

the girl that i broke up with turned out to just be a hoe. She played w my heart and told me i was " the right guy at the wrong time" and that "she needed time to be single" and then immediately hopped onto some mid ass white dude LOL. anyways i fucking hate her guts. not cause she doesnt like me anymore, but because shes a damn liar. on a positive note it just means that little plot threat in my life has just been tied up, and now all i have to do is reconcile with the distrust for people that ive already been harboring, so nbd.

the ppl in my life kinda got me fucked up tho. right now i feel like theres no one genuinely there for me. I have a therapist, but you cant rlly get the level of intimacy with a therapist in the way youd have with family or friends. so right now i feel like i have nobody. my friends all suddenly seem extremely disinterested in talking to me. someone who i consider my best friend barely texts me and brushes off making plans and never reaches out. and my other friends just dont seem to really care or respond to me anymore. I get replies, but im not having conversations. it also seems like my mom is tired of me. shes even said it herself. she gets annoyed at a bunch of little things that i do. so i dont think id be wrong to assume ive become a nuisance rather than a valued family member.

it totally could be me. it totally could be them. it also totally could just be a series of unfortunate circumstances so ive been kinda torn trying to figure it out. I know im partially to blame. i can be overbearing and i dont know when to shut the fuck up. its hard for me to do genuine real talk anymore. I say "real talk" and then give advice to friends (probably unsolicited). but i never rlly talk about stuff that goes beyond skin deep. I talk about terrible moments in my life, like when i was sa'd or like something fucked up ive done, but its water under the bridge and doesnt rlly affect me anymore. i dont know, i just get the feeling that people will be repulsed if they see the real me. the me that is insecure and struggling and tired and angry. god im fucking angry, but im also so goddamn complacent, which is infinitely worse.

i am in the process of changing my life in a drastic way, which is needed. wont say how but it should shake things up in a good way. unfortunately its also partially a waiting game. so im stuck here in this in-between where i am given the privilege and honor of being alone with all of my thoughts!!!

i think i am having an identity crisis. I dont know what defines me anymore and i dont know who i want to be. ive thought about changing my name. im already changing what i wear (slightly). and weirdly enough even though i am a straight, cis dude, i occasionally have very very slight doubts about my sexuality and gender. its probably normal tho who knows.

I think this stems from a lack of masculinity in my life. having high free testosterone does not make me a man. being aggressive or stoic does not make me a man. but theres this concept of a real man in my head as something to aspire to be, but its an extremely vague and loose concept ive formed. despite being 20, i dont really see myself as a man. but im not a boy either. not to say im non binary. im just in this awkward in-between period. I wish i had a genuine masculine figure in my life who i could look up do. my dad is more like reddit atheist ben shapiro who debatelords me when he doesnt like me doing something. i dont live with him anymore so those problems are in the past, but the lack of a male role model is catching up to me, and its on me to define my own masculinity, but like fuckkkkkk i dont think ur supposed to do this by urself.

i been feeling mad weak. i always was a pussy on leg day and its showing now that i havent been to the gym for months. it really makes me feel pathetic. that 15% increase in struggle for things that i used to pick up with ease is really shameful, or embarrassing, or idk. it just fucking sucks. I want to be a strong person who cannot be surmounted, like a legendary dragon. But at the same time i dont know if these desires are my own or some responsibility i put onto myself as a means to gain social acceptance. its probably something i should put thought into when im eating enough and actually going to the gym, but i think ive been holding off because i feel so pathetic.

its a brutal cycle too. I feel pathetic from prior experiences where ive been demeaned (so a lot) -> i feel i dont have the grit or willpower to do something -> i try something thinking ill fail or just avoid it outright -> i feel pathetic. shit sucks ass.

anyways word vomit over thats p much it

[ez-ra-zed]

these ancient indigenous spirits kept telling me this random white bitch downstairs was gonna die. they kept saying "she gonn die" and it'd be kinda funny to something in my mind, and they'd go "no, she gonn die," cuz they find it mildly humrous at best not funny enough to laugh at. cuz killing these random ppl who were gonna die no matter what is what dead ppl do sometimes to steer the timeline in a different direction, when relatively, emphasis on the relatively, insignificant unless they're suffering and eventual death teaches other people an important lesson... she has sepsis and was on a breathing tube, they been saying for weeks "she gonn die" and "no, this bitch gone die"

that spell jar i made with some dead indigenous folk, asking them if we could protect them. and they be like "no, they're killing themselves anyway." so that skull shaped glass bottle i made a spell jar with, targeting two people in this house specifically which is why i made it red, with V8 and some other shit, asking if i could protect them somewhat they kept controlling my body and doing something through me, while slowly teaching me how to do it myself because its gatekept for a reason, so i can learn "im not gone do that again" when ppl accidentally die from magick sometimes but its statistically improbable right? and people might just die anyways if people didnt use demons or dead people (both) while learning about them to figure out if they're even real cuz what if they arent?

I told him I can't be physically touched sometimes multiple times, and he did it again, got angry with me and flipped out for my clearly set boundaries so I withdrew emotionally from whoever that random person is who actually means nothing to me right now, because I was explicit with not being focused sometimes when I have sexual trauma

I don't even like him. he's a fucking ogre, man, one of those slobs with blank states that can't process the words said to them, living in a delusional, embarrassing american daydream like the rest of those animalistic people who are manipulated by others, and that's how some people evolved for a long time - like thralls

& some of them need to be freed, and that involves a lot of hard lessons in the near future, throughout the next century

An estimated one billion excess deaths from climate change by 2100 is a significant amount of people. A hard lesson being taught to us by a higher intelligence that has been guiding the development of our species, teaching many to submit to a higher power - regardless - as I already do - while some "wrong" spiritual practices focus on, always submitting to learn but standing up to certain things that people worship and respect as God or godlike figures, when going through a process of individualization and self realization that many people go through, on their own, in different ways when authority figures aren't limiting them from growing into themselves, something I never had restricting me as I grew into myself

Like that untrained dog my mom dropped on my unmedicated ass, I let her grow into her personality and let her be wild while just, messing with her and having fun with her, until she'd get mad and start screeeaaaaming

She always has a different personality when someone knows her

Maybe it's cause of all of that, and her first drug was Diphenhydramine

She licked my underage at the time :( friends nostril when we snorted ketamine and she didn't tell me. she K Holed, most dogs don't accidentally get psychoactive doses of ketamine ever so lucky her for sniffing that ketamine and deciding she wanted to put that into her body for some reason, bitch was actively seeking things out I swear

Random pills on my floor I knew she would never eat like fish oil or vitamin D

I had to actively make sure no Kratom was on the floor, she always managed to find some and sniffs at the bag if it's nearby. she's a crack dog. my friend called her a crack dog

When I was underage :/ (sigh) I stole oxycodone pills from my friends parents stash, they had tons of surgeries and kept hiding those fucking pills bottles from them ... anyways, they'd be loose in my pockets cuz like ... literally retarded sometimes

that shit fell out, in my house, not once but twice both with the same person, Mathieu

we both freaked out, both times, when we see her tossing a little white pill around and playing with it while wagging her tail, BOTH TIMES enough for it to dissolve in her mouth

Again she would never seek out random vitamins and supplements. but Kratom? oxycodone? ketamine? crack dog

I would never let her do that, but the fact that she ignored other things suggests she knew, like damn

I would never

I would only give my dog nootropics sometimes and longevity treatments never like opioids

bitch was self medicating

All of them eventually, in different ways, hundreds to thousands of years into the future

When tons and tons of people start to develop OCD-like symptoms for some reason due to certain forms of education that will be deemed necessary, and those OCD quirks will be cute to a lot of people when it isn't pathologized and labeled a disorder, when it's more integrated and not dysfunctional - some people just end up with specific ways of doing things when they see the world a certain way