#ALSO i refused to let myself trace references for like almost 2 years now and i finally went fuck it whatever

[tonytonychopprano]

*posts psychosis livestream about the death of freedom* hey also should i make a bluesky looooooool

[quinintheclouds]

YES YES YES YES YES

Spoilers for RWBY Volume 8 Chapter 6

THAT WAS SO MUCH MORE THAN I HAD EVEN LET MYSELF HOPE FOR

It really looks like this is the Volume the writers realized how many answers we’ve needed for years and years, and is answering them now. I wish it’d come sooner, of course, but since they can’t go back and fix the pacing or writing, I’m really impressed and optimistic about how Volume 8 is going!

BUT MORE SPECIFICALLY

I would like to GUSH about how they handled the Oscar and Ozpin scenes. We have needed, nay, BEGGED for this sort of development, and it’s finally here. There’s too much I want to rave about so bullet point time! 

[Note: I love the farmboy so this wound up longer than expected -- have a read more for your scrolling convenience -- TL;DR at the end]

We got confirmation that Ozpin has been pleading with Oscar to let him take over so he can burden the pain and torture instead. Oscar is the one refusing, choosing to take it himself because he knows Salem and Hazel will be much harsher on Oz. I thought that was the case, but I’m so glad they addressed it because otherwise we’d be wondering why Oz hasn’t offered. It does make me wonder, is Oz still able to take control without asking? Oscar was able to fight it in vol 6, and he’s come a long way.

Hazel is holding back -- at least, Oscar says he can tell that he is. This would keep in line with the battle at Haven, when Hazel was suspiciously playing defense and stalling by letting Ozpin monologue, then letting Oscar give a little protagonist speech... I mean, it sure doesn’t LOOK like he’s holding back. Look at this kid:

moving on before I cry,

Ozpin suggests he take over and try to escape.

Oscar says no, he has a better idea. “This is our chance.”

Oz: “Hm. Maybe you’ve taken one too many hits.” I like this for two reasons: one, because it gives us a taste of the ol’ lighthearted Ozpin humor we’ve missed since he’s been gone, and two, because it shows that he and Oscar think differently. They have different thought processes, ideas, etc. Oz didn’t immediately know what Oscar was planning.

Oscar explains that Salem can’t take on everyone at once, and thus has been sending people to infiltrate all of remnant first, to attack from within. 

I LOVE that they had Oscar come up with this, because it is so in line with his character development in Volume 7. Not to mention how in volume 6 he was the one to figure out how to defeat Cordovin’s mecha. It’s cool to see him as a strategist, because while he’s a sweet kid from the middle of nowhere, he’s proven to be really smart and quick.

Plus, this gives him agency. People wanted Ozpin to return and save Oscar, but this is so, so much better. Oscar’s idea, Oscar’s choice, and Oz gets right on board. They’re agreeing to work together, despite their unresolved conflict. “Ozma learned the importance of living with the souls with which he’d been paired.”

AND THEN, A MOMENT I CANNOT THANK RT ENOUGH FOR:

The captions don’t show it, but Oscar AND Ozpin said this in unison. Now, this and the few seconds that follow were a rollercoaster of emotions. Let’s break it down:

When they said this together, I was positively GIDDY with excitement: they’re leaning into the “like-minded souls” thing and calling attention to the situation! Surely this must be a sign that Oscar and Ozpin will indeed both exist when their souls are one, as they are both equally parts of the combination of lives that is Ozma. Well, maybe not equally (yet?). 

Then, my elation was replaced with dread. What if this was actually an indication of them “merging” in the way some of the FNDM interpret it will go, rather than how I think it does? Or what if that’s not what RT is doing, but what if the FNDM takes it as a sign Ozpin is taking over?? I can’t last the whole break without knowing!

AND THEN!!! Ugh, this made me so relieved. Ozpin says, in a slightly amused tone of voice with a trace of a laugh, “We certainly are similar, you and I.” YESSSSS more references to them being like-minded souls!! But still having differences!! 

“Maybe we have been presented with an opportunity.” I’m really glad they went the route where Oscar is changing Ozpin’s mind on things. Oz no longer thinks he knows best, and is allowing Oscar to come into his own. Now he’s seeing how far Oscar’s come and the person he is.

Related note: The commentary for the vol 7 finale said that it was Oscar’s speeches to Ironwood about fear and trust that made Oz realize he’s been keeping secrets and hiding out of fear, and inspired him to come back. This is so promising for Oscar’s character going forward.

[Side note: Would love more info on what Oscar meant in volume 7 when he said “these memories... you’re back, aren’t you?” because? Is he just referring to the scenes with things like how he talked about Atlas’ history as if he were there, or does he have access to Oz’s memories now? 2 chapters ago we saw that he doesn’t yet know the location of the Beacon Relic. So unless he was lying really well, he doesn’t have ALL the memories yet. So which ones does he have? RT EXPLAIN]

Next,

I would like to call attention to the fact that Oscar smiled here. After Ozpin said they were similar, I was worried Oscar would react the way he has in the past: sad and conflicted about his identity, worried he’s becoming less of himself. But no. Like we saw in Volume 7, THIS is who Oscar Pine is. His development was his own, and we get to see that when Ozpin returned because Oscar had made him rethink his choices. Oscar Pine is more himself now than he’s been at any other point in the series. 

It’s really brilliant how the writers have used these last 2 volumes to show that Penny, the robot, is one of the most human characters on the show; and Oscar, the boy cursed to death and rebirth with a soul that was not his own, is one of the most individualistic ones. It’s just really cool how they’re playing with our expectations of the characters. (They’re doing great with Salem, too!)

[Side note: Penny’s soul/aura was given to her by Pietro, and they still have distinct personalities and identities. It’s possible that’s a parallel to Oscar’s situation, but I do feel the merge’s completion will result in one remaining soul/identity - just not a “taking over” situation]

Okay, that’s the last of that rollercoaster I mentioned. 

Time to get on a new one!

At long last, this episode finally gave us something we haven’t had since chapter 4 of volume SIX*:

*(I am not counting the one second of "Oscar." *glowy eyes* *Oscar blinks and is back in control* in the vol 7 finale)

OZPIN IS BACK!!!!

First, HELL YES I WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN!!!

Second, wow, they can change really quickly now. At first it took effort and was super visible, then just shook Oscar up a bit with the glowy eyes, and now it seems almost effortless, seamless. The eyes glow and the transition is smooth. I like it.

We didn’t get to hear Oscar’s thoughts after Oz said “Oscar, please,” begging him again to let him take control. So we don’t know whether Oscar allowed it out of pain, exhaustion, their plan, or a decision to trust Oz and work together here. Alternatively, Ozpin may have simply taken over of his own accord. I wish the writers would give us more insight to Oscar’s thoughts, because those scenes already have him talking inside/to his own head, so leaving some of his thoughts out can seem intentional and open-ended, which could mean more dragging out answers, but I think this was fine. Not the worst case of this by far lol

WHEN! HE! SPOKE!

I was hoping for this with all my heart. Over the course of volume 7 in particular, we saw Oscar’s voice, mannerisms, and speech patters start to resemble Ozpin’s. However, he still sounds and feels like Oscar. Going back to Volume 5, heck, even Volume 6 (which is when we last saw Ozpin in control), the voice of Ozpin speaking through Oscar is similar, but distinctly different from how Oscar’s speaking now. So I’ve been theorizing and hoping, and it CAME TRUE! Ozpin sounds more like Oscar now, while still managing to clearly be Ozpin.

Right from the first “Hello,” it was noticeable. It sounded almost like Oscar. I know it’s the same voice actor when one of them is in control (same body, same vocal cords), but that just makes it even more impressive. This is the first time we’ve heard Ozpin’s voice speaking through Oscar since QRWBY yelled at him in the snow in vol 6. And I was NOT disappointed.

“Why do you follow her?” I’ll keep saying it, but he sounds so much like Oscar confronting Ironwood. 

“I know how you see me. But her? Look at what she does, how is she the answer, why not stop her??” This gives me serious deja vu to Oscar’s speech towards Hazel in the Battle of Haven (and his speech towards Ironwood in v7′s finale). That speech had given Hazel pause then, and this one does as well, now. Ozpin sounds angrier, though, more aware of just how far gone these people are, but knowing they can change.

Hazel calls Ozpin out for the same thing the FNDM has been, and honestly, it’s been a long time coming. Hazel’s motivations are extremely misguided, Oscar was right to stand up for Oz/Gretchen at Haven, and the show really needed to reinforce the Ozpin-isn’t-bad-actually thing. Now it’s all out in the open. But it’s Ozpin’s response to this that elevated this scene even more:

That’s it. Ozma has spent countless lives fighting a war that may be impossible to win. But if no one tries, no one will survive. The gods will destroy all of Remnant. Still, every single lifetime, he chooses to try. Like Oscar said in volume 5 (about Hazel’s sister but writing-wise also kinda about Pyrrha), “She made a choice! A choice to put others before herself. So do I.” Like-minded souls.

AND THIS!!! Good gods I’m glad he said this. The show went way too long before anyone even questioned the “You can’t” answer from Jinn. Nora mentioned it in passing earlier, which I liked a lot (though this really should’ve been discussed in volume 6, but better late than never). But here? We see that Oz never gave up, never planned on losing, not sending people to a battle he “knows they can’t win.” While Salem is immortal, she is not infallible. Not even the gods were. Salem can be fought. Even Hazel has a moment of hesitation, perhaps even realization, before Salem enters.

Salem manipulates Cinder, offering her the maiden powers she wants so badly, and Ozpin interjects. “You’ll only be helping her bring about the end, for all of you!”

I just wanted to show these shots because again, just as we’ve seen Oscar’s mannerisms become increasingly similar to Ozpin’s, now that he’s back, we get to see the other way around. Look at the surprise and fear on his face. Look at how he widens his eyes and raises his eyebrows instead of narrowing/furrowing them now. Listen to the sounds he makes when tortured or thrown about. Listen to the desperation and earnest passion held in his pleas. He’s no longer hiding -- he’s being honest with the people who scare him most, and truly trying to help them see the light. 

[Side note: Cinder is not showing remorse in this scene, but I wonder how she’d react to Oscar, not Ozpin, being tortured. In the same episode, we have Cinder being tortured with a shock collar, AND we have Oscar decide to try to appeal to the humanity left in these villains. Last time we saw Oscar, Salem was torturing him with intense, almost electric magic. She might not care, but I wonder...]

ANYWAY I’m done for now. Have a TL;DR that wound up being long too

TL;DR: 

Basically, I’m super happy with the writers for the detail put into these scenes: 

they confirmed Oz has been begging to take over and bear the torture instead

had Oscar come up with an idea himself instead of getting rescued or immediately escaping

had Oscar view his dire situation as an opportunity, reminding us of his optimism and capabilities as a strategist

had Ozpin not know what Oscar’s plan was before he explained it (this might change as the souls become one, but it at least shows they think differently)

Oscar’s plan to appeal to the villains’ humanity and infiltrate Salem’s forces from within lining up with his volume 7 character development

had Oz trust Oscar and put his faith in him, which is progress for Oz

Oz and Oscar speaking in unison and agreeing to work together

Ozpin’s comment about them being similar, not the same

had Ozpin take control to speak to Hazel

Ozpin’s speech to Hazel and Cinder as parallels to Oscar’s speeches to Hazel and Ironwood, which CRWBY said were the reason Oz realized his secrecy is out of fear of trust, and Oscar’s points are what inspired him to come back.

Ozpin sounding and acting more like Oscar just like we’ve seen happen the other way around (though with Oscar, he’s holding true to his own ideas/morals, with Oz meeting him there)

established hope for some of our villains to defect, setting it in motion.

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 23

First time reader click here

TW/Summary: brucetony x reader PRON. You have finally reached the point where there is real ✨spice✨. Also, m/m kissing. There will be mild m/m action from now on in the fic. I cannot stay away from the gay and I refuse to apologize. Brucetony nation how we feelin'?

I padded quietly behind the glass divider, stripping off my lab coat and protective glasses to deposit them on the nearest flat surface. My joints popped as I stretched.

Bruce and I spent a lot of time in the lab together lately as Tony and Pete worked together on the kid's Spider Suit, something that was a tad above my level of understanding. I was much better with chemicals and cell division than I was with thermonuclear physics, me and Pete were two sides of the same coin. It was only recently that I had noticed exactly how much our respective science fields of choice complemented each other and it was a blessing that Tony and Bruce made us a little corner in their respective labs, a few square feet where I and Pete could literally do anything we wanted to.

A year ago, I would have said that science is a hobby of mine and not something I wanted to do full time. I was fully prepared to commit to medical or law school, to grow into a prestigious career that would multiply my wealth and acquire me friends in high places. My parents certainly expected me to continue cultivating the image of our family empire.

I wasn't so sure anymore. Tony and Bruce were so fucking happy in their little worlds, getting lost in their labs for days on end, creating, reinventing the world every single day. There weren't any words meaningful enough to describe how it made me feel, seeing my two men just vibing in their element. It seemed glaringly stupid the most famous thing they were for was the superhero side-gig they had, they were so much more than cannon fodder planet Earth considered them to be.

At some point during the night, Tony called for Bruce to assist him with a new feature on his suit, a kind of a very condensed, targeted explosive. These days Tony didn't hold back from discussing Stark trade secrets around me anymore, so I sent Bruce on his merry way and finished his tasks for him, carefully replicating his style of taking notes and observing the reactions. As usual, Friday ran most of the calculations so my brain wasn't muddled too much by annoying math. Out of four of us, Peter was the only crazy person to actually like doing the math - the spider bite must've screwed with his brains, I guess.

I would've been content to just hang back and observe the men thinking, but Bruce took notice of me hovering by the exit. The scientist froze and just looked back at me for a minute, eyes round and soft. I missed the exact moment my mouth curved into a warm smile and the time Bruce's goofy grin made an appearance.

"You done, Princess?" He asked, gesturing to his lab.

I nodded, padding over to him, easily settling into the warmth of his open arms. Tony smiled at me briefly, distracted by the equations on the holo-screens, reaching over to peck me on the cheek, not minding Bruce at all. Strangely enough, both men fit around me so easily, so naturally, I wondered if they'd planned this... Relationship. What were the chances of such a perfect fit for three people? Meanwhile, Bruce's other arm wrapped around Tony's shoulders and the engineer willingly fell into the embrace beside me.

"Keep it PG," Peter mumbled, eyeing the same equations with an annoyed stupor. Tony hummed, poking at the screen a bit.

"It's 2:30 AM, guys," I said, casting a glance at Pete who stubbornly rubbed his eyes but continued thinking so damn loudly. I could practically hear the sound of his brain overheating. "Spiders need sleep too," I reached over to poke Pete's arm.

"Shit, kid," Tony switched to concerned dad mode almost instantly, rubbing his face. "Go to bed. We'll finish tomorrow."

"I almost have it figured out," Peter refused to budge, frowning.

"I am one text away from Spidermom at all times," I threatened him, giggling, referring to Natasha's murder glare all of them were going to be subjected to should she find out Pete skipped on sleep in favor of science. Nat had some strong opinions regarding a healthy lifestyle for one Peter Parker.

"Spidermom," Pete scoffed but stood up nonetheless, blearily blinking his shiny eyes in the fluorescent lights of Tony's lab. "That makes you either my Spider-aunt or Spider-sibling," He sleepily made his way to hug me, embracing all three of us in the process. Peter's coordination was far from stellar when he was tired.

"I'm not one of the Spider Gang. I'm the..." I trailed off, unsure. Where exactly did I fit in? "I'm the human embodiment of Florida, a freeloader hippy aunt that shows up randomly with pot brownies. That, yes," My own brain was tired and not making much sense either.

Tony snorted. "Hot hippy aunt," His hand made way to my butt, giving it a discreet grope.

"It's not easy being the family disappointment but yet, here I am," I quoted a meme, high-fiving Peter on his way out. "So, Irondad confirmed," I raised an eyebrow at Tony who rolled his eyes, pulling me against his chest once the door behind Pete closed.

Bruce sighed, removing his glasses and letting them dangle freely around his neck, pushing them up against my back as he hugged me from behind, securely pressing me in between him and Tony. My body began to respond, a warm sensation spreading through my limbs and culminating at the side of my neck where Bruce pressed feather-light kisses along my jugular and up towards my ear.

Tony's lips captured my own, dry and chapped, moving lazily as if all three of us had all the time in the world. His calloused hand stroked my face, occasionally dipping to rake through Bruce's curls. The scientist himself was stroking my skin, hands slowly but surely making their way under the hem of Stephen's hoodie, tracing my hipbones. I couldn't resist doing the same to Tony, palming his back and sneaking a handful of his ass, making him chuckle into the kiss.

"Mind the goods," The engineer teased, parting briefly to chuck off his shirt carelessly. His jeans, belt-less, hung low on his hips, the prominent V looking as delicious as the most gourmet chocolate cake. My eyes followed the happy trail on their own accord, hands reaching out to pull him back towards me. Tony happily obliged, watching Bruce unzip my hoodie with sparkling eyes.

"I can't help myself. Why man have round butt if not for squish?" I squinted at him playfully, shrugging off the sleeves and relishing in the feeling of Bruce, shirtless and warm, resting his head on my shoulder.

"I have to agree," The scientist chuckled thoughtfully, both of us smirking at Tony who smoldered in response, all but bursting with smugness. "Bed?" Bruce inquired.

"Lab sex," Tony replied gleefully, steering us towards the bigger, sturdier tables in the back. Because, at the end of the day, Tony was Tony.

Bruce looked at me questioningly. I shrugged. "Lab sex," Before turning over and kissing him, faster and harder than last time. It was familiar and easy, the flow we had was amazing and it never once crossed my mind to be ashamed or apprehensive in the presence of my two men.

The chemistry between us three was intoxicating: they kept throwing small, appreciative glances at each other. Tony's eyes lingered on Bruce's strong arms, the scientist eyeing the engineer's chest and lips in turn.

My bra and panties were disposed of quickly, flying over our heads together with Tony's jeans; I palmed the visible erection while gasping into his mouth, licking my way into it lustfully. Bruce groaned behind me, my feverish kisses still fresh on his own lips, grinding into my ass with controlled movements. I couldn't resist moving with him, arching my back into his touch. The fingers along my spine left shockwaves in their wake.

Following the directions of my arms, Tony hopped onto the table, invitingly spreading his legs. My mouth watered - his thighs were absolutely fucking massive and kept me up at night more times than I'd cared to count. I wanted to bury my face in them, so bad.

"How do you wanna do this?" Bruce asked from behind me, having made quick work of the remainder of his clothes.

The warmth of his cock rubbed against my thighs. "God gave me three holes for a reason," I sassed, swallowing a moan. My next attempt at the very same thing wasn't as successful: Tony gasped at my words, something quiet and lewd, taking hold of my hair like he knew I loved, and steered my face in the direction of his cock. I mouthed at the wet spot on his boxers obediently, pushing my ass back towards the already naked scientist. Bruce was anything if not practical in disposing of his clothes.

He was not in a rush. Damn him, damn his self-control and damn both these sexy-ass, big-brained dorks. They wound me up so well with just a few gentle touches and words, doing nothing but mirroring each other's smug smirks over the top of my head. In a rush to enact some revenge, because I was a spiteful little shit, my fingers hastily peeled off Tony's boxers and went straight for the thing I knew made his eyes roll into the back of his skull.

"Fuck," As I predicted, Tony's eyes fluttered shut as he cursed and I made my way down his length, taking as much as I could of it in my mouth without warm-up. Tony's cock was absolutely delicious, thick and flushed.

Bruce hummed, running his fingers down the cleft of my ass and feeling at the dampness collected at my core, hot and sticky arousal that had me rubbing back onto his digits, needy. Two of his fingers slipped in with ease as he worked me open for his thick cock - Bruce knew how to take care of me, he felt the little spasms of my cunt as it greedily accepted the intrusion. "So good, baby girl," He cooed. I could feel the burn of his stare on my head as I bobbed it up and down on Tony's cock at a moderate pace.

There was no rush. Just three people enjoying themselves. Tony leaned back, on one hand, using the other to keep my hair out of my face, arc reactor illuminating the trio of us, giving his pleasure-filled face an ethereal tint. It became that much more surreal when his eyes met Bruce's: the sparkles only grew in quantity.

My moan, as Bruce slid inside of me with one smooth thrust, made Tony's thighs tense up and quiver. I was loud, always so, so the more Bruce rutted into me, the more desperate and breathy Tony became, feeling the vibrations around his cock, his hips meeting my mouth half-way. As soon as clever fingers touched my clit, I was done for, spasming around both men.

"Fuck, that's so good," Tony slurred, tightening his hold on me to the point of his knuckles turning white.

Bruce quickened, ever so responsive little groans leaving his mouth. "Hear that, Princess? Tony loves it," He purred encouragingly, making me grip Tony's thighs in desperation. The rumbly tone of Bruce's voice, coarse and rushed, was making me feel hotter than before; Tony groaned too, evidently having had the very same conclusion. Both men resonated each other's lust like an echo chamber, back and forth, until a cacophony of lewd grunts and moans was all that made sense. I was stuck in the middle of our combined longing, full and full.

My brain retreated, uncharacteristically quiet, leaving just the bare naked need to feel. So I did, I basked in the shared waves of bliss that didn't seem to end. I felt Tony fall first: the sound made it's way out of his chest, long and low, as he spilled in my mouth, twitching and pulsating, ropes of him coating me from the inside out. I swallowed the salty fluid, immediately placing my cheek atop his thigh to steady myself.

Bruce pounded on me something good, sharp, steady thrusts that made my breasts bounce and my inhales halt intermittently, out of rhythm. My exhaled air burned, the fire of my need all but scorching the soft flesh of Tony's leg.

With every stroke, I could feel another peak approach closer and closer. Tony's hand on my hair tightened, and so must've I - because an unholy growl left Bruce's mouth the very same moment.

"Huh," Tony's smug smirk was heard and not seen. "Princess, be good," He pulled my hair back, lifting my face to meet his eyes.

Words weren't forming for me, at all, so I blankly stared at the man who was positively leering down at me, mouth set in a mocking tilt. I hoped my eyes conveyed the utter devotion I felt towards the two men currently enjoying themselves to the fullest.

Behind me, Bruce growled again. "Don't think she knows how to, Tony," Startling me with the authoritative tone of his voice. I'm sure the man noticed the hot wave that his voice raised within me.

"Brat," Tony mocked, briefly sharing a look with Bruce. The engineer leaned in and carefully wrapped a hand around my throat, an array of stuttered gasps making their way onto his forearm - I saw the way the fine dark hairs stood up. He loved it, he loved my submission and my obedience, and most of all, he loved my unwillingness to go down without a fight.

Bruce crowded in on me, pushing me into a position that bordered on uncomfortable, adding tension to my body, tension that made me oversensitive and needy; hot and cold at the same time, on the brink of release but unable to reach it. Tony was still gripping my throat, firm pressure, as firm as the look he held me down with.

I saw the twitch of his mouth as he moved in to kiss me... And missed, much to my confusion - it lasted for a split second until I realized Tony didn't miss anything, ever. The two moans were a little too soft, a little too symphonic. As soon as my brain caught up with the fact Tony had just kissed Bruce, I was shivering, coming so violently, Tony had to strengthen the hold on me.

Bruce's fingertips dug into my stomach, my hips, his cock nestled so deeply inside of me, I felt every vein as my inner muscles milked him for all he's worth.

"Fuck," He groaned lowly and then he was coming too, one hand splayed across my stomach and the other grasping at Tony's shoulder. The engineer was holding both of us upright from the sheer force of our orgasms. I wasn't the only one who's legs shook.

We panted out our exhaustion, Tony's chuckle breaking the huff-huff-huff interlude. "Great to know that Jolly Green isn't a party crasher," The engineer wrapped his arms around me and Bruce.

"Tony," The scientist groaned.

"You'll be saying that more from now on," Tony saw the opportunity and he took it.

"I'm always down to tag-team Bruce," I couldn't resist adding.

He snorted. "Princess, you literally can't stand right now."

"Give me five minutes, a glass of water and a flat surface," I challenged him, knowing damn well that there would be round two and possibly three if judging only by the fact Tony's hands have had already ventured down to my breasts, palming them idly. "Tony, Bruce has, possibly, one of the most amazing cocks I've ever seen. Not being face to face with it, quite possibly, might be a crime."

Both of my men started laughing, one mortified and the other genuinely amused and I could not have been happier.

"And you've seen how many?" Bruce snarked, leading us to the elevator to go up to Tony's penthouse. The scientist's possessive streak was no joke and I fully expected to be held down and owned and bred in little less than an hour, nothing else in my head but the chase for my and their release.

It was my turn to laugh, equal parts amused and mortified. "Enough."

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1826 Sunday 28 May

7 20/60

12 40/60

No kiss last night or this morning

Got out of bed soon after awaking for fear of being bilious again, but sat by M-’s [Mariana’s] bedside talking till about 9 when the letter came 3 pages the ends, and under the seal, and 1/2 the 2nd page crossed (written small and pretty close as formerly) from Mrs Barlow, Paris - She is better has begged off going to Guernsey for change of air, and is going for this purpose to Anteil close to Paris for a little while (for a week) - Dr Tupper hopes this illness will have been a favourable crisis to her, and that she will be better now than she has been for years -

She writes as if she loved me as well as ever read her letter aloud to Pi [Mariana] all but a line or two where she regrets her want of pride in letting me see the state of her mind so plainly and altered some of the rest as I went along - she is expecting Mr Bell and adds ‘oh Anne pity me’ - she takes no notice of seeing me or not but evidently will not be out of Paris and I must go to her ‘I think my letters had better be burnt and destroyed there are some only fit for your eyes of other day’......’comfort welfare and happiness are words no more to be applied to me lavish them on those they suit much better but I complain not and want no reason for the decision which you have pronounced the influence which has swayed you can easily be traced to the Buxton visit where you were so lost in high admiration that I rave when I tread on this ground I wish I could blot out as I write may you be happy however I feel much obliged for the share you can still spare me of interest and friendship nothing can be kinder than all you express but what is the end of it all what is our acquaintance reduced to a limited paper effusion question or answer but excuse me forgive me a poor creature whose best affections have been sacrificed whose best feelings have been wasted I thought I had too much pride to pen so much but I either write too much or too little and that you have once pronounced I would not even wish to reverse’....she concludes with dated Tuesday twenty third ‘the strife within me is great I have much to struggle with and no doubt indifference and forgetfulness would be my best portion could it be attained you have said it would be your ‘bon heur’ to make your dearly beloved favorite may all your intentions be fulfilled and it will be some consolation to me to know that your happiness is thus really effected and will assist my own resignation tho I shall forever hat and detest myself for my weakness and credulity I am in a wretched mood and will leave off writing.......I reckon the days for answers to my letters I pace up and down the stairs for the arrival of the postman and I spend many hours and days lost in idle expectation I am vexed that I have exposed any of my feelings but I hope when my nerves are stronger I shall have acquired better ones I was ver very far from wishing to pen so much but this letter must go I have not strength to write another Doctor Tupper finds me much better get your mind amuse and you will be quite well he adds how can this be I am ever your very sincere friend CMB [Maria Barlow]’

This letter goes to my heart it made Pi [Mariana] very low she would do anything in the world for poor Mrs Barlow anything give me up if I wished tho it would soon break her heart it is indeed a bad business oh that the tyranny could pass by but I turned to Pi [Mariana] and said I would not give her up for all the world nothing should induce me to do this

Madame Droz has never been near Mrs Barlow during her ‘ill state of health’, but once she left her card at her door at 11 night ‘only for you would I have called, when I did, the beginning of much, to ask her the questions I did, and which I put to her separately - therefore you owe her no obligation for she could not avoid answering them - when I did call she offered me a little wine to enable me to get home, which I refused - she said I looked very ill - wrote the same to Mrs [Mid?] and yet never came near me - I am told she continued to speak with great regard for me, but the real fact is, they are a selfish couple, and I could do nothing for them, and was a whole bridge and 5 pair of stairs out of their way - Vide this good comment on French amitié - Mrs [Mid?] has taken an apartment on the Boulevard des Italiens ‘she recommended Pau as a delightful residence....would be happy to give you a letter of introduction to a charming English family’ - Mrs Barlow has formed (at Madame Galvanis) an acquaintance with a Colonel St Aubaire aetatis 77, who goes to drink tea with them twice a week -....’he is a great traveller, speaks several languages, and is remarkably well informed’ thinks ‘the air of Montpelier and Nice, from being too near the sea, ‘trop vif’ - he said he had lived a year at Tarbe, which town and the country around, he thought delightful - it is very near Bagnères, and 126 miles to the South of Bordeaux about - He remembers, Buonaparte admiring it much - Colonel St Aubaire also recommended Nismes - he said there was but one objection, the bigotry of the catholics - there are a great many protestants....but being a 2nd Rome almost in regard to its remaining ruins, I thought their mind might be ammused with these as well as the resource of a good library and establishments which a town like that must have - Her servant is lame at present and a thoroughly nouseless sort of woman - Jane quite well -

Letter also (3 pages and 2 or 3 lines) from Miss Pickford (11 Gloucester row Clifton near Bristol) - an indifferent account of herself - has heard we are, and supposes us in Bath, but not knowing where to find us, directs here - very kindly interested about us - has made many inquiries likely to be useful to us - has some thought of going abroad herself - wishes she may be able to accomplish it - ‘I have turned to good book authority and to well travelled people for information as to good winter quarters for the rheumatic and the literary, the result is Pisa - Geneva often too cold, sometimes delightful in the winter, good society of various sorts - Nice you heard of - rather vapourish air at times and not first rate in society - Naples more uncertain in all ways than Pisa, Florence often coldish, Turin rather too near the Alps etc etc etc’ was in train for good introductions for us but heard we were in Bath -

M- [Mariana] down to breakfast at 10, I at 10 3/4 - still so bilious, had cold roast beef and cold water for breakfast, and no bread and butter or milk - M- [Mariana] and I read aloud to my aunt and Mrs Veitch the morning service - we went out at 2 1/2 - sauntered up and down the terrace across the sown holme, there sat in the walk, and came in at 5 10/60 - tired and languid - lay down on 2 chairs in the little breakfast room for 20 minutes M- [Mariana] sitting by me - then went to dress. Dinner at 6 1/4 - Miss Walker of Cliffhill called before it was quite over and staid till 7 3/4 - then returned to the dining room and had our wine - tea and coffee at 8 1/2 - M- [Mariana] and I sat up downstairs talking over this thing and that - MacDonald’s coming - my going to York etc etc. Went up to bed at 10 3/4 at which hour Barometer 1/2 degree above changeable Fahrenheit 56˚. Fine day - O.. -

[Margin note] Madame Carbonier sends kind messages to me - hopes to see me in Switzerland -

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0104 - SH:7/ML/E/9/0105

[timetrickster]

Aloha Oe X Edith Nox Crossover Episode 11: Empath & The Frost Lilim

Uh this was a difficult one to write. But almost over! Hope ye enjoy it!

TAG: @cometworks @coloursintheblur @thelysstener

INT. SHADOW DIMENSION. 

MISTRAL had returned to NEYDOLYA’S lair, immediately giving her the water pouch. Her movements were frail and slow, as she drinks the holy water. The magical effects settle in, sending a light line force throughout her body. She reaches for air after her long forgotten taste of such holy water. 

NEYDOLYA

My strength… it’s returning… we must wait now. I will fully be restored soon… my long quench for the holy water has been so long. (She looks at Mistral) Leave us… all of you.

VODNIK, IMPERIUM, INGRAM leave the room, leaving MISTRAL alone. She stood serious as NEYDOLYA who despite is fragile, walks slowly toward her. 

NEYDOLYA (cont’d)

I watched from my throne, child. I have seen you cry and wail your aching human heart out for the Empath witch. Why?

MISTRAL

I… my… former self had resurfaced. Her human emotions were alive.

NEYDOLYA

My magic is creation itself! The impossibilities of humanity within your former self should’ve never happened!

MISTRAL

But your magic was slowly dying out, mistress. It may have been the reason why her humanity was never suspended.

NEYDOLYA

You’re right, my magic hadn’t been rejuvenated yet. I relied on simple deals to slowly build up my strength. Now… that I finally drank holy water from the temple’s pool… I maybe have the possibility of fixing you. (She smirks behind her hood covered in shadow) We shall talk later… my Frost Lilim.

She returns to her throne and MISTRAL dismisses herself.

CUT TO

INT. MED BAY. MORNING

JUSTIN was unconscious, shirtless, covered in tons of blankets and under a warm lamp. EDITH had watched standing by the doorway. ENOCH appears in a holographic body toward EDITH.

ENOCH

Ms. Nox, I notice your anxiety levels are through the roof. Are you okay?

EDITH

Just worried and shaken up.

ENOCH

I assure you, Justin will be fine. He handles extremely worse… 

EDITH

And you’re not worried?

ENOCH

Are you kidding me? I’m always worried when he’s in danger. Despite all the odds and numbers, I tell him that is against him. He manages to find a way out of any situation. (He looks at Justin) I love my dear Captain but I’m scared one day he’ll be in a situation that he can never get himself out of.

EDITH

I understand the feeling… (She smiles a little) Hey, I know you’re always on the ship. So I never really get to know about Justin meet?

ENOCH

Well… that’s a long story. (She chuckles to herself) A young boy on the planet Chronos had found me in an old scrap depot. He found me quite unique, despite being of a wealthy family. He considered me the most important droid ever.

EDITH

That’s so sweet. 

ENOCH

It was… I watched him grow up from 8 years old to 111. He refused to part with me despite being so obsolete. It wasn’t until then that same boy was exiled from his homeworld for apparent acts of treason. All he wanted to see was the stars… and so his punishment was to let him see them by himself. 

EDITH

He was banished?! Why didn’t he tell me that?!

ENOCH

Because that’s the way he is… carrying his own pain. Hiding it behind countless masks despite knowing that it’s eating him alive. 

EDITH

I know that they died… 

ENOCH

The Time Walkers… yes. They’re all but extinct, except for him.

EDITH

Why doesn’t he go back? He can travel in time and friggin space and he chooses to stay away from his homeworld. Why?

ENOCH

I asked him that same question before and the answer will always be the same. “I can’t… I can’t face them.”

EDITH silently felt the pain behind these words.

ENOCH

But for you, Ms. Nox… what pain lies within you? 

EDITH

A broken heart.

ENOCH

Yes… I’m aware of last night’s events. I’m so sorry.

EDITH

Thank you for your concern… (She holds both hands together and toward her face. Tears dance upon her bottom eyelids) How could she do that for me? She didn’t have to do any of this. I mean… what she did was so noble and brave because that’s who she is but for me?! I would’ve sacrificed myself if it meant saving her from becoming Mistral.

ENOCH’S robotic body develops itself and comforts EDITH. Simply sitting next to her and placing a hand on her shoulder. 

ENOCH

Justin once told Violet before setting up your first date. “Love suffers long and is kind.” Love is an interesting emotion… but your love for Ms. Choi can outstand even the darkest and powerful of magic. As I’m told in most fairy tales… True Love is the most powerful magic there is.

The small notion of the fairy tale makes EDITH gives her something to smile about. 

ENOCH

Self-sacrifice shouldn’t be taken in vain. Her act was noble, yes but for you, the woman who helped her through her struggle. She would’ve done anything. We will find her and bring her home to you.

EDITH leans her head on ENOCH’S shoulder.

EDITH

Thank you.

She looks at JUSTIN, standing then walking toward him. She sits down on a chair next to him and hugs him. Placing her head on his chest, she smiles and closes her eyes.

EDITH (cont’d)

Thank you, for everything that you’ve done for me. (She lets go) Enoch? 

ENOCH

Yes, Ms. Nox?  

EDITH

Help gather scriptures about the Fates. We’re gonna help, Violet. Does Justin have any backup clothes? I want to be Time Walker for a day!

ENOCH

Follow me to the closet.

CUT TO:

INT. THE CLOSEST

EDITH dresses up in JUSTIN’S clothes, a cool coat that flaps in the wind. A shirt with a pop culture reference or a popular show from Earth. Jeans and cool and comfortable shoes to go with it. DON’T FORGET THE SHADES, SHADES ARE A KEY PART OF THE TIME TRAVELER LOOK!

EDITH looks upon her new outfit is so much glee.

EDITH

I LOVE IT! I love this coat! Makes me feel like a superhero! I love this shirt! WHO IS THIS?!

ENOCH

She is a character from a comic book movie known as Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2. Her name is Mantis, an alien girl with the powers of empathy.

EDITH became star eyed excited.

EDITH

I LOVE HER ALREADY! Now, let’s go find scriptures!

MONTAGE TIME:

EDITH & ENOCH run throughout the known libraries carrying books upon books to learn about the Fates. The two return to the ship doing an endless reading. 

CUT TO:

INT. JUSTIN’S PRIVATE QUARTERS. MORNING

It was the next day, the morning sun had risen. EDITH had fallen asleep while ENOCH had downloaded the scriptures into her databanks. EDITH wakes up stretching her arms and yawning. 

ENOCH

Morning Ms. Nox, it is a lovely morning. Your mother Umi is currently out of town. Your mother Robyn is currently in the garden. Also, I scanned each scripture I managed to download into my databanks. Also, I managed to find context clues in the scriptures as well as provided information from you.

She rises up ready to hear the new information. 

ENOCH (cont’d)

Your magic was strong enough for Cat to be purified from her Black Beast form. Despite the pollution of her magic, you saved Cat. Then it is very possible you can save her as well.

EDITH

Oh, my Fates… 

ENOCH

There is also a legend of a man, the Fates had cursed. For being unable to see the beauty in women. A Black Beast in a sense of his own design… until a woman whom he met, despite being fearful of his appearance. He fell in love with, and she too with him thus breaking the curse and learning his lesson. 

EDITH

It worked?! Really?! What magic did she use? 

ENOCH

She didn’t have to use magic. A simple kiss was all.

EDITH

True Love’s Kiss… (She was shocked) 

ENOCH

Exactly. You can save her. 

EDITH

I can save her? I CAN SAVE HER! (She jumps with glee)

She hugs ENOCH as both celebrate the news that they can save her. 

CUT TO

EXT. THE REALM OF THE FATES.

OWL, CAT, & FOX watch over JUSTIN, who still was very much unconscious. They converse about the Time Walker.

CAT

The Otherworlder… an interesting being he is. 

OWL

Walker of Time. Heroic boy. A good heart. A good person he is.

FOX

He is as he is held in high regard.

FLASHBACK:

JUSTIN standing before the shadow figures of the masked animal gods. Fearless and unafraid.

JUSTIN

Let’s make a deal… 

CAT

What deal shall be made?

JUSTIN

Violet Choi. 

FOX

What about the Princess?

JUSTIN

She made a deal with your former sister.

OWL

The deal, she made? What exactly is it?

JUSTIN

Serve her and she lets Edith go without any harm.

CAT sneers a little, having concern over EDITH.

CAT

What deal would you need making?

JUSTIN

Help me, save Violet.

FOX

We cannot.

JUSTIN

WHY?!

OWL

Our former sister, cursed and wretched. Her magic…  polluted and negative. Nothing can be helped by us.

JUSTIN

YOU ARE CELESTIAL BEINGS FOR GOD’S SAKE! You can’t defeat your own sister?!

CAT

Our place in this universe and in this world is to create life. Guide them through their lives. Take their strings and recreate. That is our purpose.

JUSTIN

And defending it isn’t?!

OWL

Watchers we are. Observe and answer. Two different wants. One can only exist.

JUSTIN hold his index finger and thumb on the temples of his head. 

FOX

There is a deal we can make.

JUSTIN

Which is?

CAT

Your being here is for the sole purpose is to stop our former sister. 

JUSTIN

Yes. What else?

FOX

Our deal shall be one you cannot be taken lightly.

OWL

Healing the Princess is out of reach. Corruption of us shall be a danger to this world. You and others can bring her heart back. Even one she loves.

JUSTIN

(He whispers to himself) Edith… 

CAT

Your presence here disrupts the flow of our purpose of creation. The only deal is that we will give you the power to destroy our former sister. In an exchange that you leave the universe, along with the traces and memory of you erased from their minds. Are you prepared to agree to this accord?

JUSTIN was in shock… 

JUSTIN

How dare you?! I’m no killer, and I certainly won’t accept a deal where I lose my friends!

FOX

(Fiery rage stood behind their voice) Your presence here brought out secrets even humanity should never know. The existence of Neydolya. The knowledge of parallel universes. This knowledge was preserved for millennia. Now that Witch knows it along with the Princess and the Necromancer! Your actions being here brought forth a foreign criminal. The resurfacing of our former sister, the revival of an evil Necromancer. Now the creation of what you called a Frost Lilim! Despite the claims of being the hero, you create the villains to oppose you!

The entirety of the statement angers JUSTIN, giving him this snarling look. The corner of one eye pinched and nose scrunched. The bottom row of his teeth stuck out as if fangs grew. 

CAT

I apologize for Fox, the temper on them is too much. We can move in this one way, do we have a deal?

JUSTIN reluctant at first, he still held a scowl. CAT reaching her shadow covered arm and waving it across JUSTIN. Suddenly a sensation of burning JUSTIN felt on his right arm. The symbol of the Fates had printed itself on his arm. A triangle layered within two more triangles and a circle in certain places. 

CAT (cont’d)

The deal is done.

She snaps her fingers and JUSTIN is returned to the temple.

END OF FLASHBACK

OWL

Awaken him, restore him?

FOX

Let him heal on his own. He’s an otherworlder.

CAT

He can’t keep his end of the bargain if he is unconscious.

FOX

Fine.

CAT snaps their finger and the tattoo of the symbol glows. JUSTIN wakes up rising fast. The blankets fall off of him and he gets out of bed. Slowly trying to regain his strength he holds the walls of the ship. Guiding himself, back to the bridge. EDITH & ENOCH noticing him outside his quarters, get to him.

EDITH

JUSTIN! (She carries him in her lap as he had fallen to the ground)

JUSTIN

Hey… how long was I out?

EDITH

It’s been a couple of days. But are you okay?!

JUSTIN

Course I am silly?! Hey Enoch.

ENOCH despite being robotic in nature, felt worried and sadness which EDITH had sensed it within her. She hugs him, to which he groans a little. 

JUSTIN (cont’d)

Ow… I missed you too Enoch! (He wraps his arms around both of Enoch and Edith)

EDITH

JUSTIN! I found the cure for Violet! 

JUSTIN

(He smiles) True Love’s kiss?

EDITH

Absolutely… let’s save Violet!

The feeling of achievement and success was felt throughout the room. The friends now have the magical cure to help VIOLET break free of her deal with NEYDOLYA. 

Meanwhile… 

CUT TO:

INT. NEYDOLYA’S LAIR. 

NEYDOLYA on her throne she is restored, ridding herself of her cloak. Revealing a younger woman, she dark black hair, fallen upon the ground. With her magic of creation, a white dress appeared on her body, as well as a headband grasper her head with tassels of moon amulets attached to it.  

NEYDOLYA

I AM RESTORED!

She glees over the fact of her returned power. Her minions look on as their employer is now a goddess once more. 

NEYDOLYA

Vodnik!

VODNIK

Yes mistress?

NEYDOLYA

Bring me the ingredients! Ingram create the circle!

VODNIK runs off then returns with the glass dome contain the Black Beast remnants. INGRAM waves his hands in a unique way and creates a Necromancer Circle. VODNIK places the dome in the middle. 

NEYDOLYA

The Empath Quartz, The Souls Of the Dead, The Essence Of Ice and Energy Of Another Universe!

VODNIK places the empath quartz in the dome. INGRAM activates the magic circle summoning the wailing of the long dead. The souls activates the empath quartz and starts to shake the glass dome. MISTRAL draws her magic of ice and blasting the dome. IMPERIUM does the same infusing this insane concoction of creation. 

The remnants of the Black Beast take in the infusion of magic and alien power. With NEYDOLYA’S magic, she formed this new Black Beast. Staring at the shadow of her creation, she looked at it with such happiness. Her horrid creation to destroy her sisters.

NEYDOLYA

You are beautiful!

CUT TO:

INT. EDITH’S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

Both JUSTIN & EDITH meditating. 

JUSTIN

Just relax… breathe in and out. 

EDITH

This is pretty relaxing. 

JUSTIN

If you unlock your chakras you might be able to do aura manipulation.

EDITH 

Whenever you come back to visit! Teach me how to do that! Please!

The statement makes JUSTIN remember his deal of the Fates. Hearing CAT’S voice repeating the exact deal.

CAT (V.O)

The only deal is that we will give you the power to destroy our former sister. In an exchange that you leave the universe, along with the traces and memory of you erased from their minds. Are you prepared to agree to this accord?

JUSTIN broods for the moment thinking about the accord.

EDITH

Justin?

JUSTIN

Yeah, of course! I can and will teach you aura manipulation! (He switches to a smile when he turned toward Edit)

EDITH takes notices the tip of the symbol of the Fates on JUSTIN’S arm. But she doesn’t say a word. 

EDITH

Awesome! Imma get to do cool shiz with aura manipulation!

NOEMI shows up, with ARGENTO & PERIWINKLE.

NOEMI

Hey guys, we came as soon as we called.

EDITH & JUSTIN

Hey!

NOEMI

What happened?!

EDITH

I found the cure for Violet! We’re gonna bring her home!

NOEMI unable to find words he is filled with joy. He hugs EDITH immediately. 

NOEMI

I’m so happy for you! Also I love this outfit!

EDITH

Thank you! Enoch let me go through Justin’s clothes. I’m a certified Time Traveler.

Everyone in the room laughs. When suddenly, EDITH screams as a headache of major pain causes her to hold her head. NOEMI catches slowly bringing her down. Whilst everyone stood with worry.

NOEMI

What’s wrong?!

EDITH 

Pain! So much pain! Screaming! So many souls! SCREAMING! (She holds her head falling to the ground)

She holds both ears and head. Her magic had sensed the creation of the new Black Beast. Having to hear the souls summoned and the Empath Quartz amplified the emotions of the long dead souls. JUSTIN places the Mind Crown on EDITH’S forehead. Which eases the pain of the screams.

Slowly getting up with the help of NOEMI. 

EDITH

What happened?

NOEMI

I don’t know. 

A roar of an enormous monster is heard from the far distance. Causing all of them to go outside. In the distance, there was the new Black Beast.

CUT TO

EXT. UNKNOWN LOCATION.NIGHT

NEYDOLYA had teleported herself and her minions to an unknown location. The shape of the new Black Beast grows enormous heights. The new Black Beast was a giant winged wolf like dogs. 

NEYDOLYA

Magick’s greatest caster. Nature’s greatest disaster. Of magic’s essence. Of alien’s iridescence. Monster of elements. Beast of fragments. Emotions, Ice, Death. Deceptions, Vice, Breath. Wings of night, Owl’s blight. Body of shadow, Fox’s meadows. Claws of violence, Cat’s eloquence. The Lost Fate knotts your string. Evil shall rise and destruction you will bring!

The new Black Beast howls as it grows and forms. 

NEYDOLYA (cont’d)

I think I shall call you Simargl.

NEYDOLYA having leftovers of the remnants of the Black Beast. She creates an army of monstrous Black Beasts. Mimicking CAT’S form, human-like shadows wearing the mask of a cat. Carrying blades and ready to strike. She also infuses her Generals with a piece of the Black Beast giving them an increase of strength as well as more monstrous. 

VODNIK becomes a well built and more humanoid, crimson red toad-like monster. His fangs grew sharper along with his clothes. He was granted armor, covering shoulder to toes. Some parts of his armor was bedazzled with colored stones. He wielded a double headed hammer as his weapon. 

IMPERIUM absorbing the energy of the remnants, caused his ethereal body into a built body. Granted armor on his arms, legs, chest. He is given a helmet, which makes him all the more intimidating. His weapon is a staff with two prongs.

INGRAM returned to his human form, his eyes still shining that wicked light green. His armor was light as his long cloak and hood with formal clothes was the under armour. He has shoulder armor and gauntlets resembling human-like skulls with horns. Along with armored shoes attached his pants. His weapon was a scythe.

MISTRAL her crystalline body became human and impossibly pale blue. Her armor became made of ice created a crown that looked as if she grew horns. Her clothing was the same looking as if she was ready for the winter. She wielded two swords made of her magic. 

A small piece of the Empath Quartz was left to which grabbed NEYDOLYA created a new general to join the ranks.

NEYDOLYA

Solitaire… an interesting name for you my new creation.

SOLITAIRE was a crystal being, created with perfection to look like EDITH. The Black Beast remnants, created an armor to full cloth her. Giving her headdress, which her body reacted to creating two more faces. One facing tragedy and another flamed with fury. Her weapon a double bladed sword made of her being.

NEYDOLYA’S army was ready, she had her Five Malevolents. Her magnificent beast and an army of Shadows at her beckon call. So much power, so much potential of destruction. She looks over the town she is about to conquer, having the Castle in her sights. She smiles with malicious intent.

NEYDOLYA

It has begun.

FADE TO BLACK

END OF EPISODE 11

[burnouts3s3]

Let’s Talk About: Eric Forman

(Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit unprofessional blog post written by an unprofessional blog poster. All purported facts and statement are little more than the subjective, biased opinion of said blog poster. In other words, don’t take anything I say too seriously.

"Let's Talk About" is a series of articles focused on individual character or characters and their development and commentary throughout the work in question. THIS IS NOT A REVIEW OF THE WORK, but rather what the character says about the world around them.  If you wish to read a strict review, please click on the link to read it. My reviews focus more on the purely technical aspects of the work. There are bad characters with good messages. There are good characters with bad messages and so on and so forth. Thank you.)

Let’s Talk About: Eric Forman

When writing about That 70’s show, I kept going back and found myself charmed with how much the characters and the drama drew me in. While the show’s humor was its main selling point, it became apparent there was much more going on and that the serious moments kept me watching.

Eric Forman was the show’s main character, a high school boy living with his Korean War veteran father, Red, and his smothering mother, Kitty, while having to battle with his slut sister, Laurie, when she visited from College. Eric was a skinny, pale introvert save for a close group of six friends who often hung out at Eric’s basement, where they would smoke marijuana and grouse about their daily lives. The show took place during the late 1970’s in Point Place, Wisconsin, a suburb just modern enough without feeling like a city but far away from cities to be considered intimate.

In some ways, Eric was the perfect protagonist, at least for That 70’s show. As a character, Eric’s not really that interesting. He’s a whiny, neurotic, paranoid person who overreacts to non-important and petty situations but deep down does care, even if he’s a bit too obsessed with things like girls, high school, GI Joe and most of all, Star Wars, to notice it at first. It makes him the perfect character to bounce off the wacky personalities for the other cast members such as Stephen Hyde, the conspiracy theorist and delinquent, Michael Kelso, the dumb friend who’s ready to physically injure himself and sex seeker, Fez, a Foreign Exchange Student unfamiliar with American customs, Jackie Burkhart, a shallow rich girl and Donna, tomboy and love interest.

Eric is essentially the audience avatar; too much of a weakling to do anything against a backdrop of characters. But as the show went on, Eric’s character grow, developed and changed as we saw his transition from boy to boy who lives with his parents to man.  I would argue that Eric, while not that different from sitcom stereotypes, defied expectations and eventually became the show’s emotional core and his plight was compelling (even if said plight was from the perspective of a white working class male with a mother and father figure).

The first 4 seasons of the show were basic high school antics. It depicted Eric living day by day through the late 70’s dealing with high school, his growing on and off relationship with Donna, his butting heads between his need for independence and his role as a son in his family and other mundane topics. This wasn’t exactly compelling stuff but it did hit a note. Eric was essentially us, a child living with his parents and not sure where to go in life but getting through things like a post-Vietnam world with his friends.

What really sold the show was the chemistry between the characters. Getting a group of character actors like Kurtwood Smith, Danny Masterson, Wilmer Valderama and discoveries of genuine talents such as Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis solidified the show as a syndication mainstay. But it was really Topher Grace that brought the show together. To be fair, Topher Grace is not a very diverse actor with a big range. But he had a toned down sardonic wit that made him relatable enough to laugh at but humble enough to bond with.

Then Season 5 came to a close. The gang had graduated from High School. Eric and Donna were ready to leave for College. And everyone else was ready to move on with their lives.

But, there came a complication. After being arrested, Fez realizes that his student Visa expires when he graduates and he will be deported. (Fans of the show have pointed out the continuity error that during his trip to Canada, Fez has a green card thus making him legal to stay). But, just before the gang leaves, Laurie makes an announcement: She’ll be marrying Fez so he can stay in the country.

This causes Red to have a heart attack. Red survives but cannot work and in need of special care. With Red unable to work, Kitty has to take double shifts at the hospital to make ends meet. All the while, Eric realizes that his dream of going to college gets further and further away.

Again, this was an obvious stunt by the showrunners. They wanted the gang to graduate high school but they also wanted them to stay at the Forman’s basement since they wouldn’t have to build another set.

Then comes the most emotional moment of Season 6.

“I have to go!” Eric cries, desperate to convince Donna and himself. Then after a moment of silence, Eric says “I have to stay”.

It’s a big moment. Obviously, the show producers want to keep Topher Grace, Eric’s actor, around for another season. But here, it’s made into a big moment. What was the American Idea, a child leaving his adolescent home to pursue higher education is focused through the lens of economic strife and reality. With Eric, the idea of being stuck under his parent’s roof and having to live there is almost a nightmare to him. But he chooses to stay to help his family in this time of crisis, during a time when Laurie is having a sham marriage with Fez while partying like she’s still in college without him. (Behind the scenes, Laurie had to be written out. Her original actress, Lisa Robin Kelly, was dealing with drug abuse and was kicked off the show and replaced with a different actress. The fans of the show didn’t care for the new actress so Laurie eventually disappeared without a trace. The last reference is when Kitty asks “Has anybody seen Laurie?” during the series finale. Lisa Robin Kelly would tragically pass away from her drug addiction).

And thus, it’s the crux of his character: Eric wants to leave not only his childhood home but Point Place, the very place where he grew up.

As such, the show’s conflict also became a meta statement: How long can the characters, and by proxy the actors, keep doing this? How long can they keep meeting up in the Formans’ basement? How long can Kelso keep being an immature man-child with no thought other than having sex with the next girl he meets? And how long can Eric still be a child under his parents? And how long can Topher Grace, Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and the other actors keep in the comfortable work that is a sitcom without advancing their careers?

Season 6 continued. Eric got a job as a dog food coupon dispenser, before Bob and Joanne broke up. Eric then became waiter at a restaurant to help out at the house. Donna decided to stay as well, putting off college for a year to support Eric.

Eric and Donna even planned to get married during Season 6. However, at the last moment, just when we’re finally ready to see these 2 characters we’ve been following for 6 seasons tie the knot, Eric gets cold feet and doesn’t show up to the wedding. He comes back to Donna’s room while she’s sleeping. Donna wakes up, hits him but just tells him to stay.

This is also a commentary on Eric’s character and the nature of the series. Eric says he ‘wants’ to change but can’t commit to it. Much like the familiarity of a sitcom needing to stay the same, Eric needs the familiarity of not being married to Donna but still having a relationship to her. It’s a sign of immaturity. Eric isn’t doing anything with his life, whether it’d be financially, socially and even romantically. He, like the series, was running in place.

Season 7 came around and Eric is completely lost in his direction in life. When he started Season 6, Eric was planning to leave for college. But after refusing to marry his one true love, Eric has eventually regressed into a state of adolescence and decides to take ‘a year off’. This was done out of uncertainty from the producer’s part. The show had lasted for longer than they had anticipated and no one was sure who was going to come back next season.

Both Eric and Red were locked in nostalgia, though for different generations. Red Forman’s nostalgia was for an ideal 1950’s America with white picket fences, a nuclear family, with him bringing home the money from his manufacturing job and his wife is a homemaker and his daughter is sweet and pure and his son is a football player so good he can get a sports scholarship for college. Eric’s nostalgia is his high school years continuing on forever, where he could just hang out in his parent’s basement, his friends would always be there and he would have a carefree sex-ready relationship with Donna without any consequences.

It wasn’t until Eric met a man named Stu, another adult male concerned with little more than reading comic books and lounging around without a care in the world. Eric, enchanted by this idea, befriends Stu and wants to become him. It’s not until Eric visits Stu’s home that he realizes that Stu still lives with his mother and has done nothing with his life. When Stu’s mother coddles him and offers Eric a cookie in the shape of an X-Wing, Eric realizes he will become Stu if Eric doesn’t change right now.

And at the core of season 7 was the message: change. For Eric’s desire and stubbornness for everything to stay the same, it simply can’t. Social Movements like Civil Rights and Feminism make an appearance. More and more persons of color are being introduced into the group. Eric wants the show to stay 1979 forever, but it just can’t. Time marches on. Childhood doesn’t last forever. People change. Life changes. And Eric, as hesitant and painful it is to take the first step, must change as well.

Eric’s plan to take a year off turns out to have huge ramifications, even going so far as quitting his job. (This was probably intentional on the producers’ part as they probably didn’t want to have the restaurant as a set anymore). His friends all end up getting jobs and getting on with their lives. Hyde, the rebellious conspiracy nut, becomes part of the corporate machine he so much despises, Jackie becomes a newscaster and Fez becomes a shampoo boy at a local salon. Even Kelso, the moron of the group, finds a career in law enforcement as well as a daughter he had out of wedlock.

In some ways, Eric Forman is the evolution of stay at home children, such as Bud Bundy from Married with Children. But whereas Bud’s situation was often played for laughs and satire, Eric’s is played up more for dramatic purposes. And it some ways, it reflects the situation of arrested development. Obviously, this was unintentional on the producers’ part; they had no idea that their sitcom would run for 8 seasons and thus set the first episode in 1976 (such as to get the Star Wars reference in). But, just as the back end of the Vista Cruiser never went beyond 1979, so did Eric.

Then came an opportunity. Eric, after an awkward talk with his guidance counselor, finds a path. If Eric goes to Africa to help out, he can get payment for college. Obviously, Kitty and Donna do not take this news well. Donna is furious with Eric, stating how selfish he is for asking her to put on life on hold for him. Eric and Donna make up and Eric prepares himself to leave Point

In the background, Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher decided to go on with their careers. Ashton, having gained fame from his reality show Punk’d, decided to make a go at Hollywood along with Topher Grace left the show to pursue a movie career, starting with playing Eddie Brock in Spider-man 3. (Yeah… Didn’t work out so well, though he has found other parts in other movies).

And after 7 seasons, with Bob’s Polka band playing him off, Eric rides his Vista Cruiser to the airport finally saying “So Long, Point Place!”.

In Eric’s absence, the show didn’t really have a thematic crux. They just had their biggest turning moment and dramatic finish to the series. Originally, this was the series finale only for the show to still be popular and incur another season to make.

Say whatever you will about Topher Grace’s range (or lack there of) as an actor, his character, Eric, played a vital balance to the cast of wacky characters. Without him as the Straight Man, Hyde’s cynicism, Fez’s innocence, Jackie’s shallowness, Red’s anger and Kitty’s smothering had nowhere to essentially go. It’s not that the actors couldn’t bounce off each other but without an Eric character to balance all the chaos, the show became sort of a mess.

To replace Eric, the producers introduced Charlie, a son of Red’s War buddy, back in Season 7. Charlie is also a meek, unsure waif and honestly, I feel like he would’ve made a fine addition to the show. But, there was a complication. The real life actor who played Charlie was contacted by Fox to star in his own live action sitcom and couldn’t return. So at the start of Season 8, Charlie is killed off by falling off the water tower. Instead, the show picked Randy, an old friend of Donna’s to be in the group.

Randy sucks. Or rather, the idea of Randy sucks. He was an obvious attempt by the producers to replace Eric and Kelso by combining them into essentially one person. But, it didn’t work. Fans of the show hated him and it felt like a betrayal. Plus, it didn’t help that Randy had no chemistry with the rest of the cast. Or, maybe that’s just a symptom. Watching these 6 friends interact for 7 seasons only to lose 2 of them and replace them with this guy feels really cynical and cold in terms of marketing.

Just as well, the departure of both Kelso and Eric made the ratings tank and forced the show to end. (There’s an ongoing fan theory that the producers ‘sabotaged’ the show so they could finish production and didn’t force it to go on). Ratings got so bad, the show forced an endless amount of guest stars and even got Ashton Kutcher to come back.

The series finale was on New Year’s Day and Donna is worried Eric won’t come back from Africa. But, in those final moments, Eric returns to Pont Place, confesses his love for Donna, has one last circle with the gang and proceeds to go upstairs, leaving the basement empty. And finally, after 8 seasons and 200 episodes, that 70’s show ended, the sticker of the Vista Cruiser showing a 80’s stick, signaling the show to turn into 1980.

That 70’s show was a show that was a lot smarter than people took it credit for. What started as a blatant attempt to get ad space and another live action sitcom for the Fox Network transformed into a running commentary about family, friendship and high times.  And in the center of the show was Eric, the boy who grew up during this period.

And as much as the characters wanted things to stay the same, much like Red feeling uneasy to depressed to ready to change after losing his manufacturing jobs, finding a new job to finding a place to support his family alongside his wife, so did the rest of the cast.

Thank you, Eric Forman. Thank you for everything.

[221bshrlocked]

Chains (1)

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Words: 1542

Warnings: Intense flirting.

Summary: Karaoke night. That’s all there is to it. No plot really...just lots of sex.

A/N: Because the remix of this song has a fantastic female voice singing lyrics that are so convenient. Also he’d literally be giving you this exact look after all the teasing during that night. Let me know if you want to be tagged.

Permanent Tag List: @meganlane84 @mizzzpink @bringmetheemobands@kimistry27 @fireandicewillsuffice @vacam79 @amrita31199 @badassbaker@feelmyroarrrr @aekr @sexy-sea-basss @isaxhorror @actual-bucky-barnes-trash @cassandras-musings @kimistry27 @mo320 @ssweet-empowerment @kapolisradomthoughts

Part 2

You tried everything. You really have. But either you weren’t trying hard enough or Bucky was just too stupid to get the hints. The only thing left was for you to walk up to him in front of everyone and tell him to fuck you.

Was he really that clueless? You’ve been trying for months to get his attention or rather retain in once you had it but he was not helping you at all. You even came up with stupid excuses just so he could lay his hands on you. A little “can you zip me up?” or “oops I didn’t know you would be showering here” just so he could understand how much you wanted him but nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it was even more annoying because apparently, he was a lady’s man back in the 40s.

Clearly he lost his touch.

So you were going to get petty. Really petty. Even though Steve told you Bucky harbored feelings towards you, you thought he was just having a laugh. But you dwelled on that thought and figured that if you just pissed him off then he would notice.

And what better way to piss him off than by using Sam whom he already couldn’t stand.

Natasha warned you that Bucky was a little on the aggressive side when he got jealous but hey, you never said you liked it easy.

So that was how you found yourself in this position. And by the looks of it, Bucky seemed to get the hint once you chose your karaoke partner and it wasn’t him. You always picked him but tonight was different. Sam would help you and in return, you’d get him the scientist’s phone number.

You got a little too close to Sam during the first round and noticed Bucky’s unease every time Sam grabbed your hips. So you decide to step it up a notch, knowing that you’d owe Sam big time.

“What’s your next song? Be kind, you’re already winning.” Wanda gestured to you, pissed that Vision was not helping her out in any way and FRIDAY was clearly biased.

“That’s a special one...for a special someone.” You said between shots, looking straight at Bucky and hoping that it would get through his thick skull.

“Does Lady Y/N refer to-” Thor was kicked by Jane who smiled at you and mouthed an apology for his obliviousness.

“Hey FRIDAY, put Chains by Nick Jonas on.” You giggled when Sam raises his shirt to fan himself, grabbing your hips and bringing you closer to him.

Bucky attempted to not care but he was fuming.

With her wine-stained lips, yeah she’s nothing but trouble Cold to the touch but she’s warm as a devil I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul She tasted her break and I can’t get more

You started swaying your hips to Sam’s beat, grabbing his hand and bringing his body close until your back was against his chest. He brought your chin close to his, tracing your lips and whispering in yours ears. You threw your head back and laughed at him telling you that he’s probably going to die tonight since Bucky was killing him a hundred times in his head at the moment.

You got me in chains, you got me in chains for your love But, I wouldn’t change, no I wouldn’t change this love You got me chains, you got me in chains for your love But, I wouldn’t change, no I wouldn’t change this love

Tryna break the chains but the chains only break me

You sang the last part with him and arched your back, looking at Bucky and winking.

Then you started singing and it was like fireworks in Bucky’s head. You looked so fucking sexy and the words didn’t register until he realized what the song was actually about.

I am no criminal, just a simple individual I want it all, need it now, no subliminal It is not that difficult, here's a visual Chains and whips, make em strip, I am in control You play the submissive role, then maybe we switch the role

You made sure Bucky was looking at you before circling around and smacking Sam’s ass, getting a surprised nod from him and a growl from Bucky. This was way more fun than you thought.

I'll be your slave, you can have me anyway that you want You got me insane, you got me insane for your love And I wouldn't change, no I wouldn't change this love Got me chains, you got me in chains for your love But, I wouldn't change, no I wouldn't change this love

You turned around quickly, telling Sam to grab your hair and bend you over. He obliged, even though he was terrified.

You looked at Bucky again and smirked.

Oh if looks could kill.

The song kept on going with you teasing Bucky more and more by the second, and Sam regretting this decision every time he saw Bucky giving him the death stare.

What if he went into Winter Soldier mode right now you thought to yourself?

You were terrified and turned on.

And only Bucky was able to get that reaction out of you.

The song ended and you realized how turned on you were. Not because of Sam. Well maybe a little because of Sam. But most importantly because of Bucky.

He was pissed.

In fact, he was so angry, he charged out of his seat, grabbed your arm and pulled you out of the room into the elevator. Half the people sitting cheered you on while the other told you good luck.

Well, this was going to be an interested night.

It was silent in the elevator. He never once looked at you, keeping his eyes on the floor number. His hand never let go of your upper arm, and after the elevator doors opened to his floor, you thought he held onto you even tighter.

What if he thought you were going to run away?

You followed without a sound, afraid that you’d piss him off even more.

He walked in his room, slamming the door and pushing you up against it, still refusing to look up at you. With each hand at your side, you felt like a cornered rat waiting to be devoured by one angry kitty.

And this was your problem. You always thought of weird shit when you were in awkward situations, causing you to giggle like a two year old.

That was probably the worst decision of the night. At the sound of your chuckle, Bucky raised his head, staring right at you and causing you to quickly shut up.

You swallowed thickly, suddenly regretting the route you chose for the night.

And it was at that moment that Bucky noticed your switch in moods, smirking like the devil and licking his lower lip.

You’ve seriously fucked up this time.

He leaned down until you felt his breath against the shell of your ears.

“You shouldn’t have done that doll.” His voice was a octave lower than usual, making you visibly shiver. He laughed at you sudden shyness, and wanted nothing more than to get another reaction out of you. Biting your earlobe, he stepped closer until you felt only him around you.

You didn’t know what had done it for you. Maybe it was his cologne. Probably his cologne. But then there was the heat radiating off of his body and his soft hair tickling your cheek.

It was all of the above actually.

You moaned when you felt his metal fingers tracing your clavicle. It was now or never you thought. Grabbing his face, you were about to pull him down for a kiss when he grabbed both of your wrists and slammed them on top of you, holding them with just one hand.

You suddenly felt how wet you were, moving your thighs to apply some pressure, which didn’t go unnoticed by Bucky. Placing his knee between your legs, he widened your stance and leaned in even closer until your noses were almost touching.

“If you think you’ll have any ounce of control tonight, it’s best if you leave now.”

You whimpered at his admission, not knowing what to say. Raising his thigh a little higher until it met your rather damp shorts, he grabbed your hip with his free hand and moved you, causing sweet friction between your thighs.

You moaned again, knowing very well that there was no way you were going to form a proper sentence right now. He cleared his throat and looked at you like a tiger eyeing a gazelle between the bushes.

“I won’t say it again Y/N. You have now to back out. I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself after this moment.”

You looked into his blue eyes, just noticing that they were darker than you thought. You nodded quickly, wanting to show no hesitance at all.

“I need to hear you say it.” He pronounced every word as clearly as possible.

With all the courage you could muster up, you swallowed again and looked right at him, replying with a voice barely audible to yourself.

“Yes Sergeant.”

[wellamarke]

someday

humans challenge, week 4, day 2: prequels this is a prequel to the actual setting of @nachocheese-itsmycheese’s fic ’finally’ but refers to a time period mentioned within it

Sophie had taken her niece to the park, since it was a sunny afternoon and Mattie was busy with work. She sat in her flat, listening to how empty and silent it was without her daughter in it. Even the tapping of her fingers against computer keys couldn’t distract her from that absence.

It was funny to think that only two years ago, she’d scarcely been able to imagine herself with a child at all. Now, being without one, even for an hour or so, was what felt unnatural.

Mattie glanced over her laptop screen, at a picture on the wall behind it. It was a framed photograph of a sleeping baby, one pudgy hand curled up next to her cheek, the other tucked under her blanket. Her eyes were closed, the soft, pink eyelids hiding the piercing blue eyes she’d inherited from her father. It was unfair, really, how closely she resembled him. Sometimes Mattie wondered guiltily if that particular picture was actually all that good, or if she’d just chosen to display that one because it hid the most defining Leo-feature from view. The further he was from her thoughts, the easier it was to carry on.

It had been almost six months since she’d last heard from him at all. Leo was in the States these days, helping Athena Morrow with her research. He was still the only one of his kind, but Dr Morrow was convinced that with enough observation, she could figure out how David Elster had ‘resurrected’ him, and rework it for other head trauma patients. It would be a major breakthrough; it would rewrite whole fields of medical science. It also kept him well out of Mattie’s way, which was a bittersweet bonus. Part of her still loved him at least as much as she hated him, if not more. The balance was fragile, and tiring, and never-ending.

She finished fixing the faulty code she’d been asked to work on, and sent it back to her client, with instructions on how to check if their synth friend was responding to the update. That done, she was just about to click on the next email when the buzzer sounded, letting her know someone wanted to be let into the building.

She got up from her desk and pressed the intercom button, half expecting it to be Sophie, back from the park a little early. “Hello?”

At first there was no response. Then the intercom gave a crackle, and a voice that certainly wasn’t Sophie said, “Hi. It’s me.”

There was a pause. Then, “Can I come up?”

Mattie’s chest felt suddenly hollow, like a huge gulf had opened there, vast and terrible and able to swallow her whole if she didn’t do something to escape it. “Leo,” she all but croaked.

Another crackle. “Yes,” he said, sounding hesitant, as though answering a roll-call for a class he hadn’t signed up for.

“I’ll come down,” she said. She didn’t want him in her flat. She didn’t want to be enclosed in this space with him. Not because she had ever feared him or what he could do or say to her, but because this was her place: the home she shared with her daughter and no-one else, that had a bed Leo had never slept in and a door he’d never so much as knocked on. It worked for her because he wasn’t part of it. If she let him inside, even once, the trace of him would never go away. She wouldn’t put herself through that.

Mattie grabbed her keys from the hook and left the flat, pausing briefly outside the lift, but then drifting past it in favour of the stairs. She was four floors up. She would take the small delay, and use it to attempt to gather her thoughts.

Why was he here? What could possibly have brought him to her block, after all these months of silence? If there was any big, awful news in the family, she would know via Mia or Max by now. Surely he wasn’t here to apologise, or ask forgiveness, or any of those things she’d given up hoping for sometime between the start of her third trimester and the sound of a newborn cry. None of that was ever going to happen. They were always going to be unfinished, and she’d learnt to call the frayed endings ‘closure’. It was healthier that way.

Mattie’s heart was beating far too fast for just four flights of stairs, by the time she reached the bottom. She couldn’t pretend it was the physical exertion. Talking to Leo was, somehow, both the last thing she wanted to do, and the thing she wanted most in the world. Why did everything with him have to be a duality, a contradiction in terms?

She made her way along the hallway, her stride several times more confident than she felt inside. Eventually she reached the door, and she gave herself a final second to prepare before opening it.

He wasn’t on the doorstep, as she might have expected. He’d retreated to the bottom of the path that lead to the block of flats, hunched over, his hands in his pockets. Looking as he so often did, like a fish out of water, cut adrift from everything. He looked up at the sound of the door opening, and their eyes met across the short distance between them.

Part of Mattie wanted to stand her ground, and force him to be the one to close the gap, but part of her didn’t want to associate him even with the outside of her building. She went down the path and met him, fixing him with her coldest glance as she did so.

“What do you want?” she asked, bluntly.

He didn’t answer. Instead he looked about her, as if expecting her not to be alone. “Where’s…?”

She noted with hostility that he couldn’t even bring himself to say his daughter’s name. “She’s not here,” Mattie said.

Leo’s eyes widened slightly, but whatever he was wondering, he didn’t voice it.

“She’s out with Sophie,” Mattie added, before she could stop herself. She refused to wonder if her subconscious had taken pity on his obvious confusion. “Did you want to see her?”

He nodded. Mattie was taken aback, but she tried not to show it.

“Both of you,” he clarified, voice somewhat hoarse. “I wanted to see both of you.”

“Well, come back in an hour,” she said. “Or meet them at the park. Whatever you want.”

“You don’t mind?”

Mattie’s eyes flashed with fury. “Mind?” Her throat felt tight and strained, but somehow the words forced themselves out regardless. “It was never me who wanted her to grow up without a dad, Leo. That was you. I’ve wanted her to see you every single day since the moment she was born. I don't—” She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. “I don’t personally believe that you deserve to see her. But I’m not going to stand in the way of my daughter seeing her father. She deserves that much, even if you don’t.”

She turned away from him. She’d said too much already, less than two minutes in - the conversation wasn’t going to end with a civil handshake now. She wished he would leave. She wished he would stay. She wanted him to never come back and never leave her side again. Most of all she wished she’d gone to the park with Sophie, and left an empty flat for him to ring up. She would never have even known he’d been here.

“I thought I’d left it too late,” he said. He cleared his throat, a strangled sound. “She won’t remember me.”

“And whose fault is that,” Mattie said bitterly.

“Mine,” he said, without hesitation. “Obviously, mine. Everything has been my fault. I don’t expect anything from you, I just… had to ask if you’d let me see her again.”

“Well, I’ve said you can. I’ve told you how. Is that all you came for?”

“No. I… want to try. I want to try and… be something, to her.”

“Something,” Mattie repeated sourly. “As in ‘better than nothing’? How about just being her father?”

“I…”

He trailed off completely. Long moments passed before he spoke again. “I was wrong before. I said I never wanted to be a father, but what I meant was that I didn’t want to be my father. I think you knew that. We had that long argument about frames of reference, but I wasn’t hearing you properly. I couldn’t… I just kept coming back to all the ways I’m exactly like him. Do you know how often I’ve wished he’d just left me at the bottom of that lake? I couldn’t see myself doing any better than he did.”

“So you decided to punish our daughter for your own insecurities,” said Mattie. “This isn’t news, Leo. I’m not stupid. I don’t have to be a psychiatrist to know you’ve got issues with the concept of fatherhood - it would be weirder if you didn’t. But you can’t just…use that as an excuse. It’s not her fault. It’s not my fault. But you left both of us.”

“I know,” he said. “I shouldn’t have run away, or said any of the things I said. I don’t have any justification for that.”

“So what’s changed?” Mattie folded her arms in front of her. “Why show up now?”

“I realised I was wasting Doctor Morrow’s time,” said Leo. “She wanted to study my memories, the way they’re ordered and how the recall works. I let her see some of them. The old ones, from… before. But it was the newer files she was interested in, how my brain creates new paths for itself. And I wouldn’t let her see them, because I didn’t want to look up on that screen and see… you.”

Mattie pressed her lips together, and stared down at her feet, giving him nothing.

“I’d closed off everything about you. I hadn’t even realised I could do that. I don’t think I ever could before. When we first met, I told you I was unable to forget, and that’s still true, but I realised only recently that I can partition off whole sections of data. Like moving them to another drive. It’s something to do with the grafts Athena put in after… after Hester. There’s still a disconnect. Everything I didn’t want to think about, I was transferring across so that it wouldn’t keep surfacing, and that made all her research pretty much defunct, because she wasn’t trying to replicate a repair that went wrong. She wanted the real thing, and I couldn’t let myself show her it, because that would mean… admitting that I’d been avoiding even thinking about you.” He kicked at a stray stone on the path in front. “So I told her I was sorry, and I caught the next flight. The others don’t even know I’m back in England.”

Mattie stood there, stock still, taking in what she could.

“You asked me what changed,” Leo continued. “And I suppose what I’m trying to say is… nothing changed. All this time thinking I didn’t need you any more, but none of it was true. I just wasn’t letting myself remember. It’s all the same as it ever was.”

For a while there was silence between them. A breeze whipped Mattie’s hair over her shoulder, and she raised her hand to swipe it away from her face. She tried not to notice the dampness on her skin as she did so.

“It isn’t the same,” she said softly. “It’s two years later. We can’t just… pick up where we left off.”

“I know.”

“I meant it when I said I won’t stop you seeing her. But please don’t make her any promises if you’re not going to keep them. Just… spend some time with her. But not here. Her home is for people who are permanent.”

Leo nodded. “Okay. I’ll… think of something.”

“I really wish I could just say I understand,” Mattie said, honestly. "And that we can try again. But if…”

She shook her head. “No. I’m not going to start any ‘ifs’ today. Give me some time to work those out.”

She dared to look at him again, and wondered if she saw a glimmer of hope in those eyes. She had grown unaccustomed to reading them.

“I think you should go, for now,“ she said. “I’ve got to process some of this without you standing there.”

“Of course.”

“And...I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Mattie added, “But it was good to see you. I think I’ve been doing a bit of memory partitioning myself.”

The corner of his mouth twitched upwards, a sad quarter-smile.

“Where are you staying?” she asked.

“A B&B in town. Just until I find out if Max and Flash can put me up.”

Mattie nodded. “Get Max to let me know, if they do. I can bring her over to theirs whenever you’re ready.”

“Alright. I will.”

He met her eyes again. “Thank you. For giving me a chance.”

“I’m only doing it for her,” she reminded him, although she wasn’t sure how true the words were, even as she spoke them.

He would have to work a lot harder and longer than this, that was for sure. But maybe there was a reason the ends had frayed so wildly, like they’d always been meant to knit back together. Someday. Somehow.

Perhaps it wasn't too late, not just yet.

[anerdinallherglory]

Approaching Sun (2)

Author's Note: Sorry for the wait! Despite my 19 hours of required classes, a pre-internship, and a part-time job, I intend to keep this story updated as often as I am able. Also, you guys should know that I enjoy the challenge of writing as closely to character as I am able. For those of you want a quick developing romance with unrealistic scenarios, I’m sorry to disappoint you. It will happen, but realistically and through proper plot progression! Can’t wait. As always, let me know what you think! 

(Chapter 1)

*This fic is tightly adapted to the Sasuke Shinden and Sakura Hiden. Please read the novels or refer to the summaries. I'm tired of waiting for their story, so have decided to write it myself. ( _ signifies time lapse, and . . . . signifies transitions between p.o.v.)

Pairing: SasuSaku

Summary: After 2 years, Sasuke returns to the village where friends anxiously await him. Still troubled by the mysteries of Kaguya and his personal guilt, Sasuke is split between friends and his journey. One specific pink-haired individual has perhaps waited for him with far more dedication than anyone else. Troubled by rising casualties and international dependence on her abilities, Sakura is torn between her love for Sasuke and her duty to her village.

Chapter 2: "Setback"

 "I can't believe it. You're finally home."

The Uchiha responded with a small tilt to his lip and if she would have blinked, Sakura would have missed it. However, Sakura was unable to blink as she gazed up at the individual she had gone more than 2 years without seeing or hearing from. He looked terribly warn, her medically trained eyes assessing his form for any signs of physical injuries. Although he appeared unharmed, Sakura could tell that he had been involved in recent battle due to nicks and bruises on his skin, as well as the various tears in his cloak. Even though he seemed taller and his hair was longer, he looked just like the Sasuke she remembered; his hair was even rising up in the back to form his usual spikey Uchiha hair. Except now, his hair covered his left eye-- the eye she knew was the Rinnegan. Something in his look had changed since she'd last seen him. Was that the trace of emotion in his expression?

"Yes," was his audible reply, before he looked back at the guards who kept their gazes fixed on the two of them. He frowned at them and moved away from her, walking through the gates. Sakura felt unsure of whether or not it was okay to follow him, until he slowed and glanced back in her direction as if to ask her if she was coming. It made her heart jump and it took every ounce of her willpower to keep from running up to him and hugging Sasuke out of her excitement. She caught up to him quickly and the two began to walk in the direction of the Hokage's building.

She couldn’t believe that he was finally home and was here, walking beside her. She had practiced this reunion in her minds so many times, but Sakura found herself at a loss for words. After a few seconds of silence, Sakura asked, "Where are you headed?"

He made brief eye contact with her before stating, "I need to report to the Hokage to relay important intel and notify him of my return."

Of course, she thought to herself. Stupid question. After two years of not talking to him, Sakura felt slightly out of practice. Starting to feel slightly insecure and unsure of what to say to him, she glanced down at their feet as they walked. Sakura noticed suddenly how casually they were walking together, like it was something they always did together. Sakura couldn’t help but notice how slowly Sasuke was walking, as if he were actually taking his time so that they could walk together. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on her part.

"You're up early," he stated plainly, glancing up at the brightening sky above them.

Sakura was somewhat shocked at his observation and giggled. "I could say the same about you."

He made no reply so Sakura continued, "I was just working on a healing treatment for the burn victims at the hospital. Not a lot time to waste these days." She raised the small casing of solvent in her hand, forgetting that she had even had it.

Sasuke glanced over at her then, raising an eyebrow. "Burn victims?"

"Yes," she replied. "The exploding humans did a number on a lot of individuals who put their lives at risk trying to stop them." She noted his frown at her words and wondered why he would do so. "Thank you, by the way," she stated briefly.

"For what," he asked, still looking forward as they walked.

"For what you did to help us. For what you did to help them. Without you, we wouldn’t have been able to-" He stopped walking suddenly and turned to her, cutting Sakura short.

"Without me, none of this would have happened." He was looking directly at her, challenging her to contradict him. Her heart began to pound furiously under his direct gaze. Sakura worked up her courage.

"That's a ridiculous statement. If it weren't for you, those two would have walked around with hate in their hearts for the rest of their lives. What you did was a good thing. You helped them." He simply stared at her and Sakura offered him a small smile before continuing to walk. He followed, saying nothing.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, Sakura simply enjoying his company. Despite the rising sun, the village suddenly seemed brighter to Sakura. The colors of the buildings more fantastic in the dim light. Sasuke returning to the Leaf Village made it feel more like home, almost as if she were returning, too.

"Sasuke, there's so much you have missed. So much I want to tell you," she stated, turning to him. Where would she even begin to start?

Sasuke gave her a slight nod, giving her permission. Sakura smiled and began to tell him about all that had transpired in his absence: Naruto and Hinata's wedding and how everyone was at a loss to what to get them for wedding gifts; she even added a grumbled remark about some sort of baking competition between herself and her Yamanaka friend. She even told him about Shikamaru and Temari's engagement and relayed the details of Gaara's 20th birthday celebration.

Sakura noted that two years had certainly not changed his conversation skills. He remained quiet throughout the entire story. He nodded at appropriate intervals and Sakura appreciated the fact that he was trying. The sun was almost completely above the forest line now and Sakura fell silent when they came upon the Administrative Division of the Academy. Sasuke began to open the door before she stopped just outside, not following him in. She hung back, looking to her left, and Sasuke turned to her.

"Forgive me, I have to return to the hospital. My shift starts soon and I'll have a mob of angry patients to deal with if I am late." She gave him a small smile as he stood waiting with the door open. She felt uncomfortable at his blank stare and thought that maybe she should just walk away.

"Ah," he finally stated before releasing the door and turning back to face her.

Placing her arms shyly behind her back, Sakura began to work up her courage. "Listen Sasuke, if you need anything while you're here, you can come to me."

He moved toward her slightly, allowing a small smile to tilt the corner of his mouth. Sakura's heart stopped at his next words.

"Thank you," he said and went inside.

. . . .

Sasuke looked over at the clock on the wall. 7:58. Where was that man? Sasuke had always known Kakashi to be late for everything, including the meetings, missions, and training sessions back when Team 7 were kids, but did not stop to consider this bad habit might carry over to an official role such as Hokage. The Hokage was supposed to be in his office at the crack of dawn, prepared and ready to assign missions and review official paperwork. By the looks of the towering piles of unorganized documents all over the Hokage's desk, Sasuke could see why Kakashi might refuse to show up on time.

Five frustrating minutes later, a very familiar ninja with a ponytail opened the door, yawning. He stopped for a second when he noticed Sasuke, but entered the room anyway and crossed his arms behind his head. "I thought that might be you Sasuke, but seeing you in person is still as surprising as ever." He yawned again.

"Shikamaru," Sasuke acknowledged, "Sometimes I wonder how anything gets done around here with the two of you in charge." Shikamaru let out another yawn, unfazed by the Uchiha's blatant remark.

"Dealing with you is going to be such a drag," he sighed, moving to a smaller desk on the left side of the room, taking a seat at the chair in the corner. He rubbed at his eyes and began to read one of the many papers on his desk.

Sasuke stifled his impatience. "I need to report to the Hokage. Where is he?"

"Relax. I'm certain he will be here sooner or later," Shikamaru replied, gesturing at another chair in the room, "In the meantime, have a seat."

It was at that exact moment, Sasuke sensed the chakra of his previous sensei as the white-haired ninja made his way to his office. He entered in an almost identical process that Shikamaru had, looking tired and uninterested at the work day ahead. Kakashi glanced over at Sasuke and the look on his face said that he had not been expecting to see the Uchiha anytime soon.

"Sasuke. It's been too long," he stated after a few silent seconds, walking over to his former student and placing a hand on the Uchiha's right shoulder. "I didn’t recognize you without the turban. I see you’ve lost the poncho, as well. Such a shame. I thought they suited you."

At the mutual laughter of both Shikamaru and Kakashi, Sasuke sighed. Yes, these two were in charge of the safety of the Leaf Village. They were making his job a whole lot harder.

Taking his hand from his student's shoulder, the 6th Hokage retreated to the chair behind his desk, looking at the stacks of unfinished paperwork. He immediately turned to Sasuke, giving him his undivided attention. Sasuke guessed that it was merely another way of distracting himself from the heavy workload surrounding him on all sides.

"I have important intel to relay to you in regards to what we last spoke about. I request a meeting with you and Naruto."

Kakashi raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "I see. Unfortunately, Naruto is not in the village at this time."

Sasuke frowned at this information. Mentally scanning the village for his loud friend's powerful chakra signature, he found nothing. "When will he back? It is crucial that I meet with the both of you."

Kakashi absently fingered the edges of the nearest pile of papers on his desk, but paused to look up at his former student's question. With Kakashi's silent evaluation of him, Sasuke could only guess what he was thinking. He inwardly winced as he felt Shikamaru's observant glare land on him. He realized what the both of them were thinking. How could he, who had been gone so long and remained absent of his own free will, start asking when his former teammate would come home? Hadn't they all asked the same question about him? He could only picture his friends as they continued to wonder when he would be back for good. Yet, they made no demands of him to return; they all extended him the patience that gave the Uchiha his freedom.

A small sting of guilt made his way to the front of his consciousness, but the Uchiha pushed the feeling away and kept an even stare at the Hokage. After the incident with Kido, and more recently, Chino and Fushin, Sasuke was even more firm in his resolution of absence. He presented a danger to his friends by even being alive. If his enemies still considered him a vagabond, they were less likely to seek him out at Konoha. Even after the Kido incident, when Sakura's life was threatened by a man who wanted the sharingan, Sasuke became even more cautious about returning home. He knew that weaker enemies would go for those close to him; even though he did show up to help, Sakura had already taken care of everything herself. His friends didn’t need his protection from these types of enemies. Stronger enemies would either challenge Sasuke directly, or would either consider him so insignificant, that they would neither seek him or the village out; these enemies, Sasuke would have to find himself. Kaguya was one of them. He also took comfort in the fact that Naruto would be there to protect the village in the chance that an extremely dangerous enemy did show up.

Kakashi's answer snapped the Uchiha out of his increasingly deepening thoughts. "He only left just last night. His mission's length depends on its completion."

Sasuke sighed slightly in his frustration. He wanted to ask where Naruto would be located but he knew Kakashi would tell him the information was classified.

"I see," the Uchiha said, pondering his next move. How long was he willing to wait for Naruto? What if he missed something important by delaying his journey? How much time did he have left? Then again, with Naruto away, was this village safe from any real danger? Who would protect it while Naruto was gone? Sasuke glanced up at the two men before him. Kakashi wasn’t even looking at him anymore, and was instead concealing a familiar little orange book between two sheets of unfinished paperwork, pretending to be working. Shikamaru was leaning his head in his right hand, starting to doze off. Sasuke sighed irritably at the two of them. He supposed he would have to wait until Naruto came home.

[gregamanx-blog]

When Hope Fizzles Out

WARNING: MASSIVELY LONG POST AHEAD.

Hey all,

I know that I’ve just started this Tumblr thing lately, but since I can’t convey my thoughts in short tweets on Twitter, and I’m not sure if I really want to make this a post on my Tapastic page, just in case things get better sooner than expected, I decided to at least give some of my most passionate followers who would bother to read this a heads-up.

I’m not sure that there’s an easy way to say this, but my hopes as a webcomic artist are kind of fizzling out at this point.  Not due to a lack of interest in my story, or being upset with my art quality.  Hell, it’s not even really due to a lack of subscribers (237 on Tapastic and 249 on WebToons, last time I checked).  Although that last one could really stand to be improved, since I feel like I’ve kind of hit a brick wall on growth lately.  No, this change in me is due to an extreme depression that’s been growing over the last month or so. I mean, it’s always been there, but now it’s been amplified a hundred-fold.  

To give you some insight (LONG STORY AHEAD, by the way), all my life, I’ve fought with depression due to different issues.  I had a childhood where about every friend betrayed me and eventually bullied me.  I had parents who never showed any interest in my hobbies or supported any decision I made (I eventually stopped drawing because of it).  I never had a girlfriend until I was almost 20 (thank god she was the one and I ended up marrying her!).  I got forced through a crappy college program from my parents instead of having them let me decide what I wanted to do (I wasted 4 years doing Human Resources, which I ended up hating, and never got a career into it afterwards).  Half the time I was in college, I worked my crappy part-time dollar shop job, and after I was done, I got another part-time job at a clothing store (My wife also worked part-time at a coffee shop in a hospital).  I moved out as soon as I graduated and got that job to get the hell away from my parents before they caused extensive mental problems to me.  

My wife and I lived in a shitty apartment for 5 years, where 4 years out of that, we had neighbours above our heads equivalent to meth-heads, who would constantly stomp/drag furniture (every moment of every day), and throw bloody ragers plenty of nights, while the complex owner did NOTHING to help us (police never made a difference either).  It took us YEARS to save up enough for our current house (a semi), with AGAIN, precisely one year later, our nice old neighbours moving out, and getting surrounded by new obnoxious assholes.  A few years passed, and my wife and I wanted to try for a child.  It took 2 years of trying, with extreme depression and agony, thinking we were never going to have a child, while everyone around us got pregnant on the first or second try.  It wasn’t until I quit my clothing store job because at my dollar shop job, our other employee apart from my manager and I, left.  I was able to claim the hours of that empty position, and lock them in for myself, giving me 32 hours a week (I would also like to note, that I’ve been looking for full-time positions on -and-off throughout my life, with 0 success).  Anyway, right after I quit the clothing job (which was a male-oppressed workplace.  All the women did everything in their power to drive every last guy out and promote each other, which oddly enough, the place had new management afterwards, which drove all those women out), right on our second year anniversary of trying, we found out my wife was pregnant, which was a ray of sunshine through all the hell we went through.  

However, on the NIGHT my daughter was born, after spending 2 days at the hospital with my wife, and her giving a late-night birth to my daughter, she told me to go home and sleep, and come right back in the morning when they were waking up.  It’s a good thing I went home, because at 2am, someone broke into my house.  I barricaded myself, phoned the cops, as someone was smashing their way in.  I was bloody terrified.  When they arrived, they told me to come to the door, instead of finding a way in themselves.  I ran to the door (there seemed like no one in the house at the moment) and neighbours outside said they saw a guy hopping my fence.  The cops assumed no one was home, so they started to drive off without even checking my house.  I go inside, to see a pair of shoes on the ground that weren’t ours.  I had to fly out the door, chasing the cops down the street and flagging them down.  Luckily, they stopped, checked again, only to find that a drunk had broken into our house and crashed on our couch.  But the thing that had me terrified, is that I couldn’t find one of my two cats.  He’s the nervous one, so I thought that bastard left the door open and he skittered out.  I called out to him around the house, and searched every nook and cranny for 2 hours, until I found him hiding deep within a spot I previously checked twice.

Anyway, the incident passed, my daughter had jaundice the next day, so we had to stay at the hospital for a few more days.  A year passed as my wife was on maternity leave, while I still worked away at my crappy dollar store job, that also happened to shrink in size during that time, so my hours went down from 32 to 24 on average.  Just barely enough to live.  My wife’s workplace also tried to screw her out of her job while she was on leave, with the temp girl trying to take her place. Luckily, my wife got a good word put in for her at a fire extinguisher company, and she landed a full time job.  However, for the last 2 years, I went absolutely nowhere in my job, and the point I’m getting at, is early this year, my manager told me that our company now had to give out a strict allotted amount of hours to our department.  Meaning, if there was only 48 hours available, he would get 40, and I would get 8.  My hours have drastically gone down from 24, to workweeks of 16, 14, and sometimes 8 hours a week.

I’ve had to dip into my own savings to keep up with my bills.  Some weeks, like this week and the next, will give me 21 and +28 hours respectively, but that’s only because we’re getting a big shipment of seasonal orders, and once they’re all worked, I can expect my hours to go back down.  I refuse to get another part-time job, as I was absolutely miserable doing 2 jobs, and I don’t want to work a ton of nights and miss out on my little girl’s life.  I’m finally really bonding with her (after an immense amount of time of trying - she’s absolutely a mommy’s girl) and I don’t want to lose that.  I’ve been job hunting like crazy then.  The worst part, is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW happens to have a full time job, and they all knew people and easily coasted into their positions.  I have no one who can personally get me in anywhere.  So I apply, and apply, and apply, and apply, and eventually grow more and more depressed.  Every moment I take for myself feels like a waste of time, but I can only apply for so many jobs I’m qualified for, as only a finite amount of them are being posted.  I don’t live in a big city.  These jobs take time to build up.

The most depressing hit for me was a few weeks ago.  I had gotten a call for what seemed like my dream job.  It involved warehouse work, paid 30k a year, at +40 hours a week, 8-5 job, with benefits.  You have to realize, this is a huge deal for me.  My wife and I have never had benefits.  We don’t even have a car because we can’t afford one.  a day job is EXACTLY what I need, and warehouse-related work is what I’m most comfortable pursuing.  I was even nervous as hell before the interview, even though I was told the manager was extremely laid-back beforehand.  I went to that interview and NAILED IT.  Seemingly not one slip up.  The manager and I were laughing and joking about plenty of things, he was really interested, and didn’t even ask me hellish, confusing questions.  I thought I had it.

I didn’t.

It’s been over 2 weeks, and I haven’t heard anything back.  The receptionist, who referred me to him, expressed great interest in me beforehand.  We communicated plenty before the interview.  I sent a thank you email back, and got nothing.  It’s been silence since then, and I’ve given up all traces of hope that I got the job.  It was my best chance, I did my very best, and I thought it went the best way possible.

And I still failed.

What I’m getting at, is that my life has been this continuous uphill struggle, as everyone pulls ahead of me.  This also goes for webcomics in a way.  I know that some people have less subscribers than me, so I’m not trying to sound greedy.  I’m not really, but when my growth reached a standstill, all I’m saying is that it goes hand-in-hand with my life events, like “of course, why would anything be easy?”

Oh, I also almost won 1.5 million dollars on a scratch ticket 2 months ago.  I was one number off.  You know, just to kick me while I’m down.

Getting back to the webcomics, I know this all sounds incredibly pessimistic.  I know that certain elements of my life have gotten better after a long time of waiting, but this wait of mine...I tell you.  It’s been the worst.  Being trapped in a minimum wage dollar shop job for 13 years, while getting my hours reduced to almost nothing...feeling continuously guilty about bills, and my wife having to pick up the slack.  Having this free time where I’m trying to job hunt the best that I can, but also trying to find the optimism to produce a new page of my comic a week.  Today, I tried to start page 6 of my second chapter, with the image you see here.  It’s been going slowly.  My heart isn’t into it.  I’m not sure if this is temporary.  Maybe I’ll heal in a day or two.  Maybe I won’t.  I’m so miserable right now, that not even my sanctuary of making comics is feeling fulfilling.  It sucks.  It sucks trying to release pages on time, where each successive week, I’m feeling worse and worse.  And it terrifies me to lose all the progress I’ve made.  It terrifies me to go on hiatus, not because I may lose my viewership, but because I may not return (and that goes especially if I can’t find a full time job.  If I couldn’t find one for 13 years, what if I never get one?  Does that mean my have to cancel my comic forever)?  My comic life is really going hand-in-hand with my actual life.  I need to feel worth it in real life, to feel worth it as an artist.  I’ve been trying my hardest at this webcomic thing, as realistically so, I haven’t hit any spotlights or staff picks, or got any giant boons in subscribers to live off of this medium.  I don’t think a patreon account would save me, and commissions...well, I’m still debating if that’s possible for me, if I have enough of an audience and if I can figure out how to make it work, since I have no experience with them.

So the question is, am I quitting Don’t Be A Hero?  Not yet (hopefully not ever), but I wanted to give you all a visual on how my life is affecting it’s progression.  These pages take a ton of time for me to do.  I can’t just blast out 3 pages a week.  I’m slow and meticulous about it’s design.  One is literally all I can manage, since I do have a lot of time taken up with sleep, chores, what work I can get, and being there for my wife and daughter.  But right now, I’m having trouble just getting out one page a week.  I’m not sure what to say, so I’ll leave it at this.  I’ll still try, but I’m just not sure if I can guarantee weekly updates, especially if there aren’t any major changes in my life.

Finally, I just want to say thank you to all of my wonderful supporters.  You’ve all been the best to me, and your support, advice and feedback has meant the world to me.  I really do have to thank each and everyone of you for being there for me, whether it’s been communicating with me, or just plain reading my story and enjoying it.  Sorry that this blog has been such a wall of text, but I just had to pour my heart out, getting these words out physically.  I hope you’ll all understand. 

(Oh, by the way, new page in 3 hours at Tapastic.  I know, what a way to ring it in).

- Greg Dickson

[forbessierra95]

How To Be A Good Reiki Healer Sublime Useful Tips

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A scan of your commitment and willingness to learn the symbols learned at various levels of Reiki meditation.The healer starts self-healing each day, and change to a person bring forth healing; thought influences thought, and we are heading.Planning a long serious of very practical help.For many it is you can become involved in the Eastern version.Reiki is a very good girl and I are always working in Bolivia was very non-traditional.

Reiki Chakra Guided Meditation

It is possible, with the change that it can and consequently my hands on.We can only serve to activate the Kundalini, a corporeal energy located in the palms of the disease and cancer as well as helping my soul be more happy and healthy.At that time, and, if not I patiently wait for the courses.Reiki healers are divided up into two parts.Day 4: Ms.L was looking for ways to deal with your Reiki journey!

I do not drink any alcohol for at least one attunement.The process of healing different body ailments.The energy thus transferred is as same the as the energy flowing into his back and developed quite a stir especially with the highest level of Reiki and teach this healing energy to rooms in your body and the learning curve, as you probably first thought.Most of the person, a holistic system which was later brought to the Reiki instructions.During an attunement is an ancient healing modality using vibrational energy that reiki nowadays is being adapted even by medical doctors.

[lareinemarie]

Devin’s View Regarding The Dynamics of Black Women/White Men Relationships

The following is from Quora regarding the racialized dynamics of interracial relationships.

Devin Tomas studied Bachelor of Health Science at Virginia Commonwealth University (2018)

I guess it depends on what type of black woman you are referring to. For one, although there are patterns in black peoples preferences, Black women are individual people and are not a monolith and all black people don’t all act as a congregate so you will always be able to find someone who is not what is perceived. Also I’ve noticed there are differences between dating preferences of lets say Africans, Afro Latinas, Afro Caribbeans and African Americans because of different cultures and histories. Even within the same black ethnicity you have people who stray from the norm and regardless there are some who date white men of every culture but I understand you are asking in general. As an African American male who has grown up around black women and girls including my mom, aunts, sisters and love interests and current girlfriend, I have heard different reasons that I can share. This isn't to say all black women refuse to date white men as I know a few who do or at least try it, but it is true in general in my experience they don't or are hesitant to. I can honestly only give you honest answers about African American women so I will be speaking of more specifically black people who are descendants of slaves such as Afro Americans and Caribbean. So here are a few reasons I have heard:

Bad History:

Black women who are descendants of slaves have lived in America in a white male dominated society with direct and personal contact with them for centuries many times against their wills. Them being seen as both black and women, has led to a lot of oppression and dehumanization of black women at the hands of white men historically in ways that permeated the cultural norm of society sometimes so much so the attitudes are taken on by all people and men in American society including sometimes black men. During slavery besides the fact they weren’t considered human and tortured or killed, white male owners often sold the child of black women or black women themselves with complete disregard of her or her families relationships. She and her own children were merely property of white men and their households, including sometimes the very children the master may have fathered himself with the slave.

They were also frequently raped or used as concubiness as an exotic and different choice from white women white men were used to. And this was regardless of if she was married, young, committed to another man or simply uninterested in him. This is how the stereotype of the Jezebel woman came to be applied to black women. They were readily accessible to white men in ways that made them oversexualize their bodies meanwhile still seeing them as lesser.

They were also taking care of the home including the children of white women and men meanwhile she and her children are not given the same privileges, even if the master was sleeping with her. This you could say was the beginning of a lot of the beef between white women and black women as many white women resented the slaves if the husband slept with or favored them causing violence towards slaves by white women or wives. While all this happened black women couldn't defend themselves by resisting the advances of the master as she was simply his property and not human by law, which could in turn lead to violence from those same men's wives. You could see how this may have started some resentment in the minds of black women as she was supposed to fulfill the masters needs yet the master may refuse to protect her showing how little he valued her.

Even after slavery ended black women were stereotyped by white male dominated society to be seen as objects whose mere existence is to satisfy the needs of men(including sometimes black men). There were frequent rapes or coerced sexual encounters during reconstruction and the Jim Crow South(which I must point out that there are people alive today who lived through that, my own father experienced Jim crow as well as thousands if not millions more) that are very well documented that often times went unpunished. Their bodies were and still are merely seen as objects of sexual gratification meanwhile they were dehumanized and although white men could partake in their bodies, black women couldn't partake in the same privileges as white people, men and women alike, enjoyed. It was apparently a rite of passage in the south in certain areas to sleep with a black women which goes to show the lack of agency they were viewed as having as they were only seen as sexual objects. This happened so much the average African American has around 15 to 25 percent autosomal European dna which was introduced primarily via slavery. On top of that we know its almost entirely traced through a male line as about 25 to 33 percent of Y chromosomal dna(derived from y chromosome which makes men men in the womb and is passed down from solely father to son originating from one or a few male ancestor(s) of a certain region thousands of years ago. This chromosomal marker does not change regardless of how much overall autosomal DNA is inherited from somewhere else. You can be almost entirely African with mostly recent African ancestors but because one ancestor from generations ago was from Europe a man may carry the European marker on his y chromosome) of African American men is traced back to Europe meanwhile the female line through mitochondrial dna( same premise as y chromosomal dna except it is found in the mitochondria and is passed down to sons and daughters from mothers) is entirely African. This isn’t to say that all of black women and white men sexual encounters were forced or undesired, but enough of it or so much of it was that it left a permanent scar in the minds of black women in black culture even up to today. Some will argue this happened in the past and doesn't affect today, but the trauma and duration of these events lasted for so long and were so severe it affected the culture of America and shaped each different cultures identities and preferences.

A quick example of how this plays out today is a female professor i had who shared with me a story of how different cultural upbringing will put on display how different people view situations. She explained she went to the doctor because she scabbed her knee when she was a young girl and on that particular day she was wearing a dress. When she went to his office she saw her doctor was an older white male she was only a little worried at first until she sat down he flicked her dress up without her consent as if he was comfortable doing that with her. Now this seems harmless to most other people maybe and im sure the doctor didn’t have any ill intentions(or i would like to hope), but she felt uncomfortable because of how she felt men in general, but more specifically white men, viewed black women as simply easy access to sexual gratification who should not dare resist his advances.

There are tons of other reasons that fall under bad history but in short the relationships white men have showed black women over how they value them or what they value them for have historically not been the best making black women hesitant and speculative of white men's intentions when they pursue them. I think the combination of all these things over the centuries happening created an attitude of disdain towards white men from black women.

2. Cultural Differences

This is probably the biggest reason honestly anyone, not just black women, is hesitant to date outside their own culture or race and why people of all cultures or races tend to stick to their own when given the opportunity. Simply put its easier. We all like to believe love conquers all and knows no color and it sure is a cute and inspiring catch phrase that I wish was entirely true, but dating, marriage or whatever especially long term requires you to be engaged in the very personal and cultural aspects of your partners life. If those cultures clash too often it presents problems in the relationship. Unfortunately black and white culture in many aspects clash and can be polar opposites on certain issues and perceived notions white people might have about black people makes it a no go for many black people but more specifically for black women as dating someone who is doubly privileged as white and a man can potentially present a few challenges. Not to say these challenges can't be overcome but it takes work.

These cultural differences manifest themselves in seemingly minute ways or micro aggressions but they are enough to make a relationship end, I’ve even experienced this as black man myself and have seen it over and over again in relationships where people didn’t address the cultural differences before getting in a relationship. As black people, we generally view our race as deeply ingrained in our experience and culture because of how we are treated in society because of it. From our politics all the way down to our music race is a part of our existence. As a white male, racial issues are not something you may have to deal with or think about as much as a black person let alone a black woman. There are certain things she may be passionate or sensitive to as both a woman and black person that white men might think is either completely wrong or not a big deal. Shoot as a black man there are things i have to be mindful of as the only difference being a man i can't imagine being both white and a man. The relationships I’ve seen work long term between white men and black women the white man was usually sensitive to race issues or grew up around black people making him cognitive of what is acceptable. If not however most black women will run for the hills. Or I have noticed the black girl may for whatever reason have grown up around non black or white people and take on their culture and beliefs making the racial divide easier to get over. However both of these are the exception. The differences can be anything from how hair is perceived, what kind of music you listen to, politics, spirituality, your extended family and the age old debate of who can or cant say the N word. I know shocking right? Small things such as what is presentable hair? Does braided hair look “ghetto” or not “presentable” to the white partner? When the black girlfriend experiences racism or feels uncomfortable because of something that happened to her will he try to understand or will he shrug it off and tell her to stop bringing race into everything? When she decides to change her hair a certain way that doesn't fit the white beauty standard will he make a negative or positive comment about it? Does he know you do not touch black people especially not black women's hair? All of these can be major issues in relationships with black people in general but especially for women.

In short though it falls down to this. Other races of men but especially white men may struggle with understanding them. I even feel this way as a black man towards other races of women. Other races of people might be able to sympathize with you but they can not empathize. Another race of men may be able to feel pity or sorrow for a black woman but may not be able to empathize because they do not have the experience of growing up with black moms sisters or friends on a personal level making them unsure of what to do when racial conflicts arise. This is ultimately a turn off for many black people men and women as again race is deeply ingrained in our experience.

3. Fear

Another reason which I’ve heard from many black women is that they simply fear that white men may never understand them or make the effort to try to. Or that they simply don't value them enough outside of a fetish or booty call. There is something scary physically and emotionally about letting your guard down to someone who has been apart of a group of people that for the most part have historically seen you as lesser. All it takes is for a black girl to hear one somewhat racially charged statement about black people from a white guy and she could be turned off to them completely. There is also fear that the white partners extended family or parents might not approve of your relationship or even that her family won’t approve( you would be surprised a lot of black people are actually against their child bringing a white person home but more specifically for a black women to do so it seems for some reason) And I’m sure we've all heard the stereotype of how black women are supposedly the least desired woman in America and no one wants them. So there is also the idea that white men simply aren't attracted to black women so there is no point in entertaining the idea.

4. Simply Not Attracted

As I previously mentioned most people tend to want to settle down with or are more attracted to people who have a lot in common with them. The vast majority of black women i know are mostly attracted to black men and the same goes for black men( contrary to popular belief). I grew up seeing women like Nia Long, Brandy, and Meghan Good on movies i enjoyed as well as being around black women a lot in my life so i am attracted to black girls mostly. I think the same goes for black women as they grow up seeing a lot of black artists or movie stars that are more so a reflection of them or look like their fathers or brothers or other men in their circle. They look up to who look more like them so they tend to be attracted to them. I have also heard a lot of black women want children that are black and look like them. I think black women tend to like darker skinned people with black features as well. These are things such as dark skin, big lips, curly hair etc. I remember when i was really young it seemed like light skinned was seen as attractive in both black guys and girls but as i age i see more and more black people trying to practice what we call “self love” or “black love” with us embracing darker skinned people in our communities who are often times neglected or seen as lesser. So i think there is a desire now to really want to be with people who are black that have somewhat of a similar culture to them which is why they don’t date white guys per say. I will say the black girls I've seen date other races of people the men tended to be either darker than white such as Latino or Asian or someone who was somewhat exposed to black culture.

On the flip side, most white men I know also prefer women within their own race and when they venture outside their race tend to choose Asian or Hispanic/Latina women. With that being said, I think it is safe to say most white men don't think of black women first in general when they think about dating interracially. I think a lot of white males preferences in body type differs from black women as well. It seems to me in white culture and many non black cultures women are supposed to be small quiet and petite or tight. This is why a lot of white men like Asian women because they are seen as all of those things. Black women are seen as curvy thick , outspoken and voluptuous. All of these are stereotypes of course but its the stereotypical image people have in their heads unfortunately. Of course there are white men who are attracted to black women as you can find attractive women of any race, but i think the average white man will chose an attractive Asian woman over an attractive Black woman. I think a lot of this has to do with simple preferences and also part of it has to do with I know a lot of white men who believe stereotypes about black people women included, so they never entertain the idea unless a black woman pursues them.

On another note, in 2018 in America there are still very racist people around in ever gender, culture and even age group. Many white people I know simply are not comfortable with dealing with all the stares and shame they may get from their relatives or other white people in society so they tend not to date outside their race on average. This is especially true for bringing home black people as again often times our cultures clash with white culture and this can lead to excommunication from the white family. I know plenty of interracial marriages or relationships which involved a black partner( and this isn’t exclusive to white people btw this includes Asians, Hispanics etc) where once the family found out about the relationship the practically cut off all ties with the white person and all though i know that shouldn't happen the reality is most people don't want to be separated from their family. Unfortunately our society sees black people as very negative in many aspects so bring a black person home can strike up various feelings and emotions in non black families especially those that don't have a lot of experience or exposure to black people outside media. Now this isn't to say if a very attractive black woman approaches him he won't entertain the idea, but in general I think most white people are hesitant to date a black person whether they want to openly admit it or not.

I will say though i know plenty of white people men and women, who are attracted to black people, but they would never get into a long term relationship with a black person especially if it means bringing them home. For instance maybe when they are away for college or going on a trip away from the family. Most people can say they are attracted to people of other cultures and races either physically or socially, but the attraction is not the only thing that influences dating and marriage choices. When in college I knew of plenty of white men and women who slept with black people but the vast majority of them would not date them out in the open or commit themselves to a long-term relationship. There is stigma with them dating black people just like there is a stigma for black people dating white people. They may run the risk of being called a “n***er lover” or a “mudshark” or “damaged goods”. I’ve had white women approach me sexually plenty of times in college but when i saw her out and about she would act like she didn't know me. I think the same is true conversely for black women in many cases. And if you are a black person who knows this you may not want to even entertain someone who doesn’t want to be seen out in public with you so why even entertain the idea. Now again, there are obviously acceptions and there are people who couple up who are of different races. But as i mentioned this is what i have noticed for myself and from other black women.

All of these are reasons I’ve heard black women typically don't date white men. A lot of it is fear and pride from both sides but a lot of it is they simply aren't attracted and to be honest, there is nothing wrong with that. I prefer black girls and have my reasons I could never see myself dating a white woman and black women have their reasons for not preferring white men. But I think if the white male is sensitive enough to listen and try to understand her or learn and realize there are certain things he needs to understand about who she as a black woman and what is and isn't okay, the relationship will be fine and more black women would be open to the idea.

[clamonnaturalhealth]

This post is different; it’s not about natural health, but in a way it is. Can a lifetime of longing, dreaming, and wanting cause someone to be unhealthy? I believe it can, because a life long dream of mine turned into a broken heart 💔 and therefore more depression, anxiety, and pain both physical and emotional. This is the hardest thing I have ever written, at least so far. Why am I writing it then? To give my readers insight into who I am, why I do what I do, and most of all hope; hope of healing, relief, and freedom from the pain and the dreams that will probably never come true and my struggle to be okay with that.

As I write this tears streaming down my cheeks, I feel the weight lifting from my chest, the air a little easier filling my lungs, and the pain deep in my soul getting a little easier to bear. I can’t say I wasn’t warned that to go on this journey, was to take the chance that my heart might be more broken than it already was, but I had to know. Know what you may be asking; to know the truth, which now I’m beginning to expect that the whole truth is something I may never know, but I know more now than I did and I have the hope that one day I will know more.

I have known and felt the abiding pain from not knowing who I am, where I came from, or who was the other half of creating me and why wasn’t he in my life. Did he not know about me? Did he not want a life with my mother? Did someone intervene and keep him from me? Did he die in Vitetnam or an accident? Or was it my worst fear, he didn’t want me? You probably figured out by now the he I’m referring to, is my biological father. I know I’m not the first to experience this, I’m not the only, and I’m by far not the last to long to know not only who he is but why wasn’t he in my life.

I’ve asked questions for as long as I can remember; I ask my mother, my grandmother, and anyone I thought might know something, anything! The answers were alway I don’t know, I’ll tell you when your grown, he doesn’t want you; so why would you want to know him. I did get non identifying information, mostly from my grandmother, but never the answers I needed, desired, or desperately wanted, as much as I need air in my lungs and blood running through my veins. The results of not being told anything, of needing and wanting a father in my life, PAIN! Emotional, physical, and even deep rooted heart break in my spirit.

By the time I was in my thirties, I was done with not knowing, done with asking questions, and done most of all with lies. My grandmother had been gone for over ten years, so that only left my mother that could answer my questions. I approached my stepfather one Christmas and asked, hoping he might know something, at this point all I wanted was a name. I figured if I had a name, (YES!! I was into my thirties and didn’t even know my father’s name!) I could find out the rest, but with no name came no hope. My stepfather didn’t know or so he said; I didn’t understand how you could be married to someone for twenty-five plus years and not know the name of the father of her child? You never ask? She never told you? You raised this child, how could you not know? But he didn’t, really didn’t, I still don’t really get it. I’d been married almost fifteen years myself, had three children, and there wasn’t anything my husband didn’t know. But my mother had never spoken of it and if he asks, she never told him, but I highly doubt he ever asks; there are just something’s you never, ever speak of with my mother!

Not me!! After thirty years of tiptoeing around her feelings and ignoring my own, I couldn’t; wouldn’t be quiet any longer. My stepfather said he would talk to her for me and I begged him to wait until after Christmas, after we had all gone back home and to our own adult lives. Well, that was not to be, he confronted her that night and the next morning she was irate, with me! After many harsh words, screaming, yelling, and many tears she wouldn’t budge! After months of phone calls, emails, letters, and voice messages we were no closer to coming to any type of agreement. She just couldn’t understand, “why I couldn’t just let it go”! Let it go? It’s my father, extended family, possible siblings, and DNA, how can you expect me to let it go? It has been an all consuming desire for my entire life, there is no letting it go! Well, it was decided since we couldn’t come to any type of compromise that we just couldn’t be in each other’s life anymore. I don’t remember who decided, but for 12 years there has been no contact. I have been written off, by all the family I had ever known and to say I was heartbroken and depressed would be a major understatement!

I spent the next couple of years in a deep dark depression and many hours of counseling. The counseling (and medication) helped and I did finally pull out of the depression, but I still had a huge hole in my heart and no way to fill it. Until one night over a year ago I saw a commercial, it said you can do DNA testing and figure out who your ancestors are. Even if your female, new DNA testing has made it possible to trace your paternal line. I had been told you couldn’t trace your paternal line if you were female due to X and Y chromosomes, no longer true! So I immediately ordered DNA kits from 2 different companies, sent off my samples, and waited. A long month later I had my results and I went to work.

See there is something you need to know about me, when I set my mind to something there is no stopping me! I get a burning desire in my belly and a stubborn determination like you’ve probably never seen anywhere else! I sat to work learning about DNA, proving paternity, and figuring out what I didn’t know and why it was such a big secret, “to never be spoken of”! It took about a month, a consultation with a genealogist, search angles to check my work, and notebooks full of notes but I did it, I figured it out! Okay, now I have a name, what now? The reason he wasn’t in my life, an affair that resulted in my conception. He is still married to the same woman and I have an older sibling and a younger. I finally had what I thought I wanted, but it wasn’t enough, I wanted to know why!

Why?!?!? It’s such a weird word, the answer is never what you want it to be! I contacted him and he denied everything, refused to take a DNA test and refused to even meet me to talk. I had what I had always wanted, a name, but it was not what I really wanted! I , at 50 years of age, just wanted a dad! What I also had, by this time was several Chronic Illnesses. So can a broken heart 💔 make you physically ill? Yes, a broken heart 💔 can be so severe it can kill you. Consider the examples of people who have been married for many years, when one passes away the other is so broken hearted they pass away too. So how do you heal a broken heart, how do you heal a damaged soul, how do you heal a body so taxed by stress, anger, grief, and despair that you can’t even get out of bed? Well you start from the ground up!

You begin to heal by rebuilding your physical body with nutrient rich foods, herbs, and supplements to replace what has been used up. You seek spiritual healing through prayer, meditation, music, nature, whatever works best for you. You begin to heal your mind by eliminating stress, breathing, resting, and changing your focus. Finally, you work on your emotions, you learn to forgive, for you not them! And let me tell you forgiveness is a process and it takes the desire to be free of the pain, and time, it doesn’t come easily or quickly! Some days I’m still working on it! My philosophy is we are made up of 4 parts, physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional. They all have to be in balance for true health and healing. We are not a group of parts that function separately, we are one miraculously designed being that was created to work optimally in balance. So my focus is balance and to teach others how to achieve balance and true healing.

Am I healed, NO! I fear the damage was so severe and long term that complete healing will probably never come, but I’m better; better today than I was yesterday and I have hope that tomorrow will be better yet. Now I focus on what I have, not what I don’t. Is my heart still broken 💔, YES! Is Father’s Day a joyous occasion for me, NO! I avoid it as much as possible and try to focus on the wonderful fathers I know, like my husband, friends, and sons. Do I still want a dad, well yes, guess I always will. When you grow up without something so vital to your development it takes a lifelong toll. But now it’s about healing me, it must be. I can’t let them dictate how I think, feel, or react. I choose today to get better, to be better, and to help everyone I can find health and healing.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!! BE WELL AND LOVE YOURSELF DESPITE WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR DOES!!!!

Father’s Day and a Girl’s Broken Heart This post is different; it's not about natural health, but in a way it is. Can a lifetime of longing, dreaming, and wanting cause someone to be unhealthy?