#ALSO i recently got off orientation at my new(ish) nurse job

[kyunsies]

hi loves i have neglected mx info since i've been on vacation i will hopefully be back on a normal schedule soon <3

[trashcanreddiefan]

The 1st Annual Losers' Club Christmakkah Celebration

Summary: The Losers gather for their first annual Christmakkah celebration. Several announcements are made, and Richie’s Christmas wish just may come true.

Word Count: 2800-ish

Warnings: None whatsoever. This is pure fluff.

Author’s Note: Post-Chapter 2. All of the Losers are alive in this fic, including Stan, because canon can suck it.

1st in a (at least) 3-part series where the Losers take turns hosting Christmakkah.

CROSS-POSTED AT AO3.

Bzz bzzz. Bzzz bzzz. Bzzz Bzzz. Bzzz bzzz.

Richie Tozier groaned and picked his phone up off of his nightstand, squinting at it in the harsh early morning light and smiling sleepily when he saw that new messages were flooding in in the Losers’ group text thread.

Benverly (Bev): First annual Loser’s Club Non-denominational Holiday Celebration at Ben’s house on December 24th!

Benverly (Ben): OUR house, Bev.

Benverly (Bev): Our house. :-*

Benverly (Ben): I love being able to say that.

Micycle: Can’t wait!

Billiam: Audra and I will definitely be there!

Staniel: Patty and I will be there.

Eds: I’m coming.

Richie waited until everyone had confirmed before sending his response. Oh, I don’t know if I can be away from Eds’s mom for that long.

Eddie’s reply immediately came through.

Eds: Dude, you realize the joke no longer works since my mom’s been dead for 12 years, right?

Eds: Also, fuck you.

Richie grinned. Love you too, Eds.

Staniel: Richie, you had better be there or else I’m personally coming get you and dragging your ass to Ben & Beverly’s.

Richie shook his head. I’m kidding, guys, I’ll be at Christmakkah. Honestly, I wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Eds: Good, it wouldn’t be a Losers’ Holiday Celebration without the biggest loser of us all.

Richie snorted with laughter. Ouch, Eds, you wound me. 💀

Eds: Truth hurts, asshole. And that’s still not my name.

Billiam: Christmakkah? Really?

Staniel: Actually, I kind of like it.

Benverly (Ben): Ok, 1st annual Losers’ Christmakkah Celebration at my & Bev’s house then. :)

Everyone had mutually agreed that gifts weren’t necessary, that everyone having made it out of Neibolt alive and It being well and truly dead was gift enough.

Richie was never one to follow the rules, however, which is how he found himself loaded down with gift bags in front of Ben & Beverly’s house 3 weeks later. He rang the doorbell.

A few seconds later the door swung open to reveal Eddie.

Richie blinked. “Hey, Eds.”

A smile spread over Eddie’s face. “Richie, hey. Come on in, everyone’s in the dining room.”

Richie stepped inside and Eddie reached for some of the gift bags. “Here, let me help you with that stuff.”

Richie and Eddie deposited Richie’s gifts in the living room. Once Richie had taken his jacket and gloves off and was settled, Eddie pulled him into a hug. “I’m really glad to see you, man.”

“Same here, Eds. I’ve missed you– I mean I’ve missed all of you. Even though it’s only been a few months. Yeah. Anyway, let’s go in the dining room so I can see everyone else.”

Once they reached the dining room, Richie announced his presence in his usual loud, playful fashion. “Happy Christmakkah, Losers!” he shouted.

“Richie!” came the chorus of replies, followed by hugs and greetings.

Bev rubbed her hands together. “Good, now that you’re here, let’s eat!”

After dinner, everyone gathered in Ben & Bev’s gigantic living room to sit by the fire and socialize. Stan, Patty, Ben, & Bev sat on one sofa, Audra, Bill & Mike were on the other, and Richie and Eddie each sat in the 2 armchairs by the fireplace.

“While we’re all here, Patty and I have a gift for everyone,” Stan announced. “I know we said that we weren’t going to get everyone gifts, but…” he shrugged. “You’ll just have to deal with it.”

He began handing out bags to everyone. “Don’t open them yet.”

Richie fiddled with the tissue paper sticking out of his bag as he waited for Stan to sit back down. “Ok, go ahead,” Stan said.

Richie pulled the tissue paper out and pulled out a white onesie that read “I love my uncle.” He looked around everyone else, who all held the same gift, with Bev’s reading “I love my aunt” instead.

Stan placed a hand over Patty’s stomach. “We’re expecting!” he said excitedly.

Richie jumped up and gave Stan a hug. “Staniel, you old dog, congratulations!” He then turned to Patty, giving her a much gentler hug. “You guys are going to be fucking phenomenal parents, I just know it.”

After everyone had congratulated Stan and Patty, Ben cleared his throat, looking at Bev in silent conversation. Bev tilted her head in affirmation.

Ben got up and grabbed some gift bags from behind the couch. “Here you go, everyone,” Ben said sheepishly, handing them out.

Each bag contained a dual photo frame, one side holding a picture of the Losers’ at 13 and the other holding a more recent group photo that had been taken at the Jade of the Orient before they had all remembered It, and an envelope.

Richie tore his card open. Inside was an engagement announcement.

Bev linked her fingers through Ben’s. “We’re getting married,” she said happily. “We decided to do it while you’re all still here for the holidays since we want the most important people in our lives to be there.”

Another round of congratulations echoed around the room.

Bill spoke up next. “I brought gifts too. No announcement though, at least not unless you count a new book deal.”

Everyone congratulated Bill as he handed his gifts out, Richie good-naturedly teasing him about hoping Bill had finally learned how to write an ending.

“Ok, so I’m assuming no one listened and brought everyone a gift anyway?” Mike said, then nodded when Richie and Eddie both murmured an assent. “In that case I’m going next.”

He handed everyone their gift, then settled back down. “I do have a small announcement –  I’ve decided to settle down in Key West. I just closed on a house last week.”

“Next Christmakkah at Mike’s,” Richie said jokingly, unwrapping his gift.

Mike had gifted each Loser with something he had picked up during his travels, Richie’s being a hand-carved wooden turtle.

He glanced at Mike.

“I saw that at a little roadside stand in Arizona and thought of you for some reason,” Mike explained with a shrug.

“I like it,” Richie replied with a nod. “Thanks, man.”

He hadn’t told anyone what he had seen in the deadlights, but he had distinctly remembered seeing a giant turtle right before he fell.

“What about you, Eddie?” Bev asked. “Any announcements?”

Richie studied Eddie’s profile. He looked… calmer than the last time Richie had seen him. Then again, the last time Richie had seen him they had just defeated IT a few days prior, so naturally they were all still a little frazzled.

“Actually, yes,” Eddie replied. “I filed for divorce once I got back to New York. Also, I quit my job. I figure at this point in my life it’s too late to become a doctor, but I’ve decided to go to nursing school to become a nurse practitioner.”

Richie’s heart sped up. Eddie’s single.

He mentally chastised himself. He's still your best friend, not to mention straight. Don’t fuck it up. He blinked as Eddie dropped a gift bag in his lap.

Eddie had obviously taken great care in selecting each person’s gifts, giving Bill a nice fountain pen and notebook set, Audra a spa certificate, Mike a hardcover coffee table-type book, Ben a vinyl re-release of New Kids on the Block’s Hanging Tough album, Bev a silk scarf that she had offhandedly mentioned wanting during a Losers’ Skype session a few months prior, Stan a book on exotic birds of Moldavia or something (Richie wasn’t quite sure) and Patty a broach with a hummingbird on it.

Richie carefully opened his gift, pulling out a leather jacket very similar to the one he had lost in the sewers. He softly stroked it.

Eddie had been watching him. “Thought you could use a replacement,” he said.

“Thanks, Eds.”

Richie realized belatedly that it was his turn. His mouth went dry. He almost blurted out that he didn’t have anything for anyone and that he had absolutely nothing to say, but Eddie had helped him haul his gifts in so he knew that wouldn’t work.

He stood and hurriedly passed out everyone’s gift bags. “Uh, my gift is also an announcement and this was the best way I could figure out how to do it, so…” He made a ‘go on’ motion with his hands. “Ok, go ahead.”

Each Loser (with Stan and Patty receiving one bag) pulled out a CD single of “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross.

Richie studied each Loser’s expression as they looked at their gift. Ben, Bill, and Mike all looked confused, Bev had a slow smile spreading on her face, Stan was shaking his head while trying to hold back laughter, (the fucker, he probably knew back when we were kids –) and Eddie… well for once in his life Richie couldn’t read Eddie’s expression. He took a deep breath. “So yeah, um, surprise! I’m gay.” He did a little ‘tah-dah’ motion with his hands as an emphasis. “I’m gonna come out publicly soon but it was important to me to tell you guys first.”

Stan was the first one to move, standing and wrapping Richie in a hug. “I’m proud of you, Rich,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah, I mean somebody’s gotta be the cool gay uncle to the next generation of Losers,” Richie joked, holding back tears as the rest of the Losers embraced him.

He sniffled. “Ok, as much as I’m enjoying this mostly beefcake-filled love fest, I, uh, I need some air. I’ll be back in a few.”

Richie quickly detached himself from everyone and headed out to Ben and Beverly’s porch.

He had figured everyone would be supportive of him, but it had still been overwhelming. He took a few deep breaths in order to collect himself then froze as he heard a voice behind him.

“Hey Rich, you ok?” Eddie.

Richie sniffled and cleared his throat. “Yeah, man, I’m fine. Just needed a minute.”

Eddie walked up next to him. “I uh, I have to tell you something else,” he said quietly. “It’s why I divorced Myra.” He shook his head. “I mean, obviously I wasn’t happy, but there was more to it than just that.”

Richie fought the urge to make a joke about Eddie realizing his Oedipus complex. Now’s not the time, Tozier. “Hey, man, your life is your business, if you don’t want to talk about it that’s up to you–”

“I’m in love with you,” Eddie blurted.

Richie blinked. “You’re in what with who now?”

Eddie sighed and looked skyward as if praying for strength.

Richie couldn’t believe his ears. “Ed. Eds. Eddie. I swear to Christ if you’re just fucking with me–”

“Jesus, Richie, do you honestly think I would ever do that–” Eddie spluttered.

“–Because I honestly couldn’t take it if you were.”

Eddie shook his head. “Look, Rich… All these years, it wasn’t just my childhood memories that were missing, it felt like… like part of my soul was gone too. I’d been attracted to a few guys in college – all tall, dark-haired, lanky motherfuckers, but I always felt like I was comparing them to some unknown person so they never worked out. Then I met Myra and she was just so… safe that I buried that part of myself and wound up marrying her, even though I knew I was making a mistake.”  

Eddie smiled. “Then about a year ago I caught one of your specials on TV and felt a peace I hadn’t had in years. So I watched all of the shows that I could get my hands on, then I found a bunch of clips of you on YouTube and watched those too. There was something so… familiar about you, even though in the back of my mind I knew something was off - which as it turns out, was that your jokes weren’t really yours.” He huffed out a laugh.

Richie winced. “I’m working on that.”

“Good. You’re much funnier than you give yourself credit for.”

“You think I’m funny?”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, don’t let it go to your head.”

Richie was still processing. What the actual fuck. “So wait, so you're… into dudes?”

Eddie smirked. “Well, I’m certainly not actually into women.”

“And you’re into me in particular.”

“Yes.”

Richie still didn’t quite get it. “Why?”

Judging by Eddie’s reaction Richie realized he hadn’t just thought it, but had said it out loud.

“Because, Rich, you’re you. You never made fun of me because of my hypochondria, you always protected me when Bowers would give us shit, and no matter how bad things got at home I always knew I could go to you and you wouldn’t ask any questions and would let me stay as long as I needed. You’re my best friend and I always loved the way you made me feel when I was around you. At first I thought it was perfectly normal to feel for your friends like I felt about you, but as we got older and I started to analyze it I realized that I didn’t feel about any of the others in quite the same way.  You were always joking around and acting like you didn’t give a shit about what anyone said, and I wanted to be like that… You made me want to be brave.”

Richie’s heart cracked. “Eds. I’ve told you before. You are brave. You’re one of the bravest people I know.”

Eddie shook his head. “I wasn’t though. For the longest time I was terrified to admit it to myself, but after everything that happened this year I knew I was finally brave enough to tell you. I love you, Rich. I’ve loved you since we were 12 years old, and when I turned and saw you at the Jade the final pieces of the puzzle sort of slotted back into place. I knew I couldn’t go back to New York and keep living life the way I had been, but I also felt like I couldn’t tell you how I felt about you while I was still married. It wasn’t fair to you or to Myra. So when I got home I told Myra as much as I could, and we mutually agreed to separate. The divorce was finalized last week.”

“Fuck, Eddie…” Richie couldn’t believe it. Eddie loves me. Eddie LOVES me. Holy fucking shit, EDDIE loves ME.

Eddie was still talking. “And I mean it’s fine, I know just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re into me, and if you didn’t feel the same back then or even now it’s okay because– mmph.”

Before Richie could even process what he was doing he had pulled Eddie to him and had slotted his lips over Eddie’s.

Eddie’s lips were just as soft as Richie had always imagined. I see he’s still using Chapstick religiously, he thought, moaning as Eddie nipped his bottom lip then soothed the bite with his tongue while his hands reached up to tangle themselves into Richie’s unruly hair.

He briefly detatched himself from Eddie’s lips. “I love you too, Eds,” he breathed. “I loved you before I even knew what love was and I’ve loved you every day since. You’re it for me.”

Eddie let out a growl and pulled him back in, immediately deepening the kiss.

Oh Jesus Christ yes, PLEASE. Richie would’ve happily stayed right there on Ben and Bev’s porch making out with Eddie all night, but unfortunately he was outside in 30-degree weather without a coat. He shivered.

Eddie pulled back. “Christ, Richie, you’re freezing. Come on, let’s go inside with the others.”

Richie held him back. “Wait, wait, Eds. How exactly is this going to work? We live on opposite sides of the country.”

Eddie bit his lip. “I um, actually I didn’t exactly say where I was going to school either.” He glanced up at Richie. “I enrolled at UCLA.”

A smile bloomed on Richie’s face. “Really? You’re moving to L.A.?”

“Yeah, I mean UCLA has a great nursing program and I needed a change of scenery anyway, so I figured the west coast would be a good choice…”

Richie thought about his cold, empty house in Beverly Hills. Here goes nothing. “So, do you like, have a house or apartment or anything yet?”

Eddie shook his head. “No, not yet. I’m looking into apartments near campus but I haven’t found anything yet.”

“Because you know you can totally come stay with me while you look for a place, or… even better, just move in with me permanently.” Richie bit his lip. “Because like I said, you’re it for me, Eds. You’ve always been it for me. You’ll always be it for me.”

Eddie was silent for a few moments, appearing to be weighing his options. Finally he said, “Okay.”

Richie’s heart leapt. “Okay?”

Eddie grinned. “Yeah. Okay. Because you’re it for me too, you know.”

“Well in that case…” Richie grabbed Eddie’s hand, dragging him inside. “HEY, EVERYONE! WE HAVE ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!”

[trauma-13]

You know the drill. All them asks. 😈 (is this deja vu?)

You got it dude!! (It is...cause I fucked up 😂)

The meaning behind my url:

Trauma because it's my favorite area of nursing.

Princess because I'm a fuckin princess.

93 because the year I was born.

A picture of me:

If you look hard enough you'll find one on here. Also my icon is me soooo.

How many tattoos i have and what they are:

Oh good lord. I have quite a few....

1. Mom's last name on my left wrist.

2. Flowers on my right foot.

3. Tribal-ish heart my brother drew on the back on my neck.

4. Walt Disneys signature on my left foot.

5. Mickey and Minnie behind my ears.

6. A prior dogs paw print on my left ankle.

7. A dandelion on my right shoulder blade with music notes.

8. My dog, Axel, paw prints on my collar bones.

9. A moon on my right ankle.

10. A semi colon on my right wrist (ulnar side)

11. A arrow on my right wrist (radial side)

12. A humming bird on my right forearm.

I think that's it... for now...

Last time i cried and why:

I dunno, honestly. I cry frequently hahah

Piercings i have:

Labret/Monroe

Ears gauged to a 00.

Traugus both sides

Right sided daith.

Nipples.

Favorite band:

Sooo many. Currently imagine dragons.

Biggest turn offs:

Bad hygiene, liars, cheats, narcacists.

Top 5 (insert subject):

???

Tattoos i want:

Too many to list, honestly.

Biggest turn ons:

I'm a big physical touch person, so basically anything where I'm being touched.

Age:

26

Ideas of a perfect date:

Doing something totally new that neither of us has experienced.

Life goal:

Pediatric ICU trauma nurse, be a mom, be a good wife.

Piercings i want:

Maybe my left daith. Probably a 2nd lobe hole.

Relationship status:

Very happily engaged.

Favorite movie:

Steel magnolias (the old one), Moana, Mean Girls.

A fact about my life:

I'm a nurse, I work in the ER and medsurg/tele, I have 2 doggos, and 2 kittens, I'm practically married at this point, I live on the surface of the sun.

Phobia:

Spiders, failure.

Middle name:

I'ma pass on telling the world that.

Height:

5'6" with shoes on.

Are you a virgin?

Naaah.

What’s your shoe size?

Between 9-10 depends on the shoe and brand.

What’s your sexual orientation?

I am bisexual, however I'm in a heterosexual relationship.

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

Drink yes, no to the others.

Someone you miss

@car-one-responding

What’s one thing you regret?

Suffering in an abusive relationship because I didn't think I had a way out.

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:

Chris Evans.

Favorite ice cream?

I'm honestly not a big ice cream person, but we have some delicious basil-lime sorbet from a local store that I'm obsessed with.

One insecurity:

Weight.

What my last text message says:

"I re sent it. Just delete the other one I guess? Lol" from @car-one-responding in reference to this cause I done FUCKED IT UP.

Have you ever taken a picture naked?

Mmmmhhhhhmmmmm.

Have you ever painted your room?

Not recently at all, but as a kid yeah.

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?

Yep, couple times.

Have you ever slept naked?

I usually do.

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?

Almost every day hahah

Have you ever had a crush?

Duuuh, who hasn't hah

Have you ever been dumped?

Aldo duuuh.

Have you ever stole money from a friend?

Nope. I'm a very honest person.

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?

Hmm. Probably.

Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Does patients attacking count?? I didn't punch, but I got punched.

Have you ever snuck out of your house?

Yep.

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

I think just about everyone has.

Have you ever been arrested?

No. Im from a tiny Town where my dad was a cop, mom was a nurse. So everyone knew me.

Have you ever made out with a stranger?

No I don't think so.

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?

Like...in a sexual way? Or like hung out? If so yes to both hah

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?

Yeah, however I'm a pretty open person. I usually tell my mom where Im going. She raised me as a single mom, and I had a lot of freedom as long as I was open and honest with her. That's just transferred into adulthood.

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?

No. But I purposely became friends with an old neighbor cause he had a cute ass dog named Max.

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?

Yep. Got busted too haha

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?

Uh huh! It's called sleep overs, duh aha

Have you ever seen someone die?

Unfortunately, that's part of my job. Not everyone gets saved in the ER. Plus in the hospital where I work there is a very large group who has very strict rules about death, so frequently we admit people to die either to the floor if we suspect it'll be a couple days, or the ER if we think it'll be quick. Death can be a beautiful process, or it can be horrific, and traumatizing...just depends how ya look at it.

Have you ever been on a plane?

Yeah quite a few times!!

Have you ever kissed a picture?

Honestly what little girl didn't kiss a picture of Leonardo DeCaprio...

Have you ever slept in until 3?

Bro I'm a mid/nightshifter. Weird sleep schedules are my life.

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?

Weirdly worded question. But yes I have loved, yes I do miss people.

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?

Yes!! It's one of my favorites. I also love to watch the stars.

Have you ever made a snow angel?

Yeah!!! It's super fun!!

Have you ever played dress up?

Yeah!!

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

Queen of attempting to cheat at games and failing miserably 🙋‍♀️

Have you ever been lonely?

Mhmm. Side affects of working away from my family.

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

I'm forever sleepy, so yeah.

Have you ever been to a club?

Yeah couple times!

Have you ever felt an earthquake?

Once as a kid. I don't remember much of it besides it waking me up, and I woke up my mom because I didn't know what it was. I was maybe 7?

Have you ever touched a snake?

I love snakes. They're such cool animals.

Have you ever ran a red light?

That may or may not be why I didn't have a drivers license for 3 yrs.

Have you ever been suspended from school?

Nope 😏 I did get temporarily kicked out of nursing school and fought my way back in though. That's a tale for another time.

Have you ever had detention?

Once, for chewing gum.

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Yeah, nothing serious though. *knocks on all the wood*

Have you ever hated the way you look?

I feel like everyone has, unfortunately.

Have you ever witnessed a crime?

1. I live where I live, it's a regular occurrence. We don't carry a gun for no reason.

2. Used to work in the heart of the ghetto.

3. Used to live 5 mins from there.

Safe to say I've seen a crime or two.

Have you ever pole danced?

One drunken Halloween, yes.

Have you ever been lost?

Physically not emotionally? Yes to both haha

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?

I have yeah!!

Have you ever felt like dying?

Yeah, on quite a few occasions I don't talk about.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

Yep.

Have you ever sang karaoke?

Again, drunken Halloweens.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

Im sure I have.

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?

Yes I have, it's not fun.

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

Hmm.....I don't actually think so.

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

Yes!!

Have you ever sang in the shower?

Every single time.

Have you ever made out in a park?

Mhmm!

Have you ever dream that you married someone?

Yes, and I'm marrying him in a little over a month.

Have you ever glued your hand to something?

My other hand hahah

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?

No..but not for lack of trying.

Have you ever gone to school partially naked?

Uh, no haha

Have you ever been a cheerleader?

Nah, I was a band geek.

Have you ever sat on a roof top?

Yes, it's a great time.

Have you ever brushed your teeth?

I want to say "who hasn't" but we all know there's those people who haven't...

Have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?

Sometimes, yes.

Have you ever played chicken?

Not huh.

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

Probably so.

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?

Yep.

Have you ever broken a bone?

A few yeah. My nose, jaw in 3 places, my tail bone, my ankle.

Have you ever been easily amused?

Have you met me....

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

Like 45 mins ago hahah

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?

Yep, regularly occurs in my house.

Have you ever cheated on a test?

Probably way back in the day, but I don't remember anything specific. I'm a pretty honestly person, so if I don't know it, then oh well.

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?

Every fucking day of my life!

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

Not quite sure...?

Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

Once upon a time, I was like 13 or 14. I was hanging out with my mom while she cooked dinner and eating a carrot. I suddenly sneezed. I then had a carrot chunk stuck in my sinuses. I could feel it, but mom didn't believe me. So for 3 days straight I blew my nose constantly. And I finally got the carrot chunk out.

[seriouslysoulsearching-blog]

Started my job today!

Today was the first day marking the start of my nursing career. There was orientation all about the hospital and it’s values, policies, etc so it was a bit boring sitting in a conference room all day in stiff business clothes and I have three more training days before I’m even on the floor. 

What I’m most proud of myself today was that I wasn’t a nervous wreck! I hate having to travel/navigate somewhere new, meet new people, etc. Normally I feel uncomfortable. But not today! I was cool, calm, collected, and CONFIDENT. 

As I sat at the table, learning about the institution I’m working for and looking out the window at the bridge and skyline, I felt like I am in the right place at the right time in my life. I finally feel like I’m supposed to be a nurse. Like I deserve to be there. Which may sound silly, but honestly, I’ve doubted myself every step of the way during nursing school. I would get positive feedback from my nursing teachers, clinical instructors, and even just nurses on the floor who made me feel like “this is what I’m meant to do” but I never fully believed myself. But honestly, I’m sick and tired of living in doubt and shying away from my true potential.

My therapist and I talked last week about getting ready for my new job. I could feel the self-doubt thoughts creeping in already and asked how I could deal with this before I was consumed by it. And my therapist’s advice was extremely helpful. Each day, I’m going to reflect on the positive of the day--what I learned, what I knew, what I did good with. And each day, each week, each month, I can look back and reflect on my progress! This is such a healthy habit instead of what I normally would do--which is to fixate  on what I didn’t know, what I didn’t do correctly, etc. My therapist also made a good point: they hired me KNOWING I’m BRAND NEW. They’re not gonna be surprised, they’re going to expect to teach me everything. Which is honestly reassuring. It’s not realistic to think I’m going to be a “great nurse” when I literally have zero experience, I am a clean slate. I don’t want to come off as nervous/self-conscious so we also discussed how I can present myself which will be more like “I’m really excited to be here and I’m eager to learn as much as I can because I’m brand new” I think this will help keep my rocky confidence stable and build it up from here with these new habits.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE... I went on a date(ish) this past Saturday. LOL at myself after swearing off dating and then going out again. This guy, Adam, was someone who I connected with on Bumble before turning my profile off and deleting the app from my phone (for my mental well-being) Adam actually asked me out after the first guy fiasco, and I was upfront about not being ready because I got out of a relationship relatively recently. He said he understood as he too got out of a 3 year relationship in August. A few days went by, I sent him a snapchat video of my cat, and I ended up just texting him. We texted for almost a week straight and discovered how much we have in common. He’s also really funny and my kind of weird. We decided to hang out and watch “It’s Always Sunny” together Saturday night at his apartment (since I haven’t seen it all and it’s leaving Netflix at the end of the year) 

Honestly, we had a good time! I was so nervous I hardly remember what we were talking about but he was showing me shows on Netflix and teaching me how to use chop sticks before the sushi got delivered. We also snuck downstairs to the unit below him since no one is living there yet. It was spooky but fun. He was taller than me (praise jesus) and CUTE. Not necessarily my exact type but still cute and his personality was very attractive. When we met outside his apartment door he hugged me and invited me. He’s just a friendly, goofy guy who made me smell for what the sour food was in his fridge. After we came back upstairs from sneaking around, I went to my purse to get a mint because I didn’t want sushi but struggled to open my gum package open.  I think he might of thought that was a single I wanted to kiss because when I turned around (not successful opening it anyway) he kissed me in the middle of the kitchen. All through out the night I was welcomed to the idea to him kissing me, and while he did, I still welcomed it, HOWEVER, the kissing was a FLOP. We just did not mesh. I couldn’t tell whether he was kissing me on the lips or had his tongue in my mouth so I’d pull away and it felt like we weren’t just kissing on the lips but I didn’t feel his tongue??? Like when I make out, I like serious tongue action. Not like the porn kissing where it looks fucking nasty but more like when your tongues are intertwined passionately. I remember my old high school describing that he wanted to almost play tonsil hockey. Which is hilarious and I appreciate him describing it like that because it turns out I really like it like that. And that is something Adam and I could not agree on. So I pulled away in the kitchen, then we started again in his living room, then moved to his couch where he invited me to sit on him (I like) but the kissing did not improve. Was it because we were both pretty tipsy? We sat on the couch for a couple of minutes talking, and it felt a tad awkward probably because we both didn’t enjoy the kissing. I felt like I was maybe getting the vibe he was “tired”/didn’t want me there, so I said I was gonna get going. He walked me to his front door and hugged me goodbye. 

When I was walking away, I was sure we’d probably never hang out again. Which was sort of a bummer because he has a great personality. So when I got home, I texted him and thanked him again for the dinner, told him I had a really good time, and said I wasn’t sure how he felt about it but if he wanted to hang out again, to let me know. Well....he didn’t text back Sunday afternoon but what he said was actually kind of hopeful. I had to consult Kelly and Kira about his text because I couldn’t get a sense on whether he sounded sincere. He said something along the lines of “i had a lot of fun, you’re really cool. i’ll be on a business trip for 12 days (which is true--we talked about it) but maybe when I get back we can hang out” the maybe is what stumped me.

I got some polar advice on how to text back. Kira recommended saying something like “I’d like that! Let me know when you’re back in town” and just saying that. Kelly, however, said I shouldn’t respond at all. She went on to tell me that I should enter the my career feeling focused and not dragged down my uncertainty and negative shit that comes along with dealing with boys (OH, THE BRAIN THING! I don’t think I mentioned it on here--Brian told me the night before thanksgiving that we was really into me, then then GHOSTS ME--like literally removed me on snapchat, blocked my number. i messaged him on instagram and called him a pussy, no lie. It was funny and absurd to figure out I was getting ghosted like honestly it’s such a pussy move I can’t even deal with that like BYEeeee boy!!!!)

Anyway, back to what Kelly was advising me, she said that what I went through with this break up was really intense and that I’m still fragile even though I’m beginning to feel good. I need to focus on ME. I almost want to screenshot what she said because it’s true. 

But what did I end up doing? I double texted Adam. I said what Kira told me to say and then an hour later wished him a good business trip with a lil joke attached to it. He replied and then wished me good luck on my orientation. I’ve snapchatted him twice today but haven’t texted him.

I KNOW what Kelly said is so fucking true. I don’t need anything else on my mind except for my career. And hanging out with positive people. I remember coming home after hanging out with Adam, convinced we wouldn’t hang out again, and telling myself I should start seeing someone when I feel more self-assure, more self-confident. Someone who has hobbies who just hasn’t sat around for the past few months moping on the fucking couch. BUt also, part of me wants someone to hang out with. I don’t see myself dating soon but just someone of the opposite sex to get a drink with at the bar, watch a movie with, do something in the city with, whatever. I see myself being able to just do that without getting to emotionally involved or am I just blinded my naivety? Is that even a word?

Part of me wants to check the bumble app just to see if he’s actually in FL on his business. He said he was like 80% sure he was gonna get sent out. Part of me thinks that maybe he’d just say we’d be in touch after his trip as an excuse to let things fizzle out. My dilemma here is, should I let it fizzle out? What I DO know is that I need to give this dude space. Especially because I wasn’t totally over the moon by him, but he was certainly someone I wanted to hang out with more. Which btw, he was very respective about the recent break up and we didn’t even call it a date (even though sushi, netflix, and smooches totally is) I redownloaded the app but I’m to fight off my urge to log on to see his location (it’s kind of creepy isn’t it? me and the fact that bumble shows the town/city the person is currently in)--I don’t want to be crushed/disappointed but I also feel like I’d get an answer. 

I GOTTA CALM DOWN. If it fizzles, it fizzles. I don’t want to disappoint Kelly because I really do take what she says to heart because she and I think so much a like but she’s had so many emotional experiences and has been in my position after a horrible break up. She’s providing me guidance. I should follow her advice because I know it comes from a place of concern and caring. 

I don’t know we’ll see how this goes. I’m just gonna NOT contact him. It’s gonna be hard but I gotta slow my role. If he’s interested he’ll show it. I’m an attractive, funny, cool, smart chick. If the kissing was enough to turn him off, so be it! But if he actually does want to hang out, I’m just gonna play it real chill and not get into anything serious too soon. I just want to have fun and he’s someone I see have interesting times with.

We’ll see...

Update: I finished this post, checked my snapchat, and he showed me a video of his hotel room and how it’s much better than last time. WHAT AM I DOING