#ALL the effort u did just to quit like bro leona

[luyo-mi]

WHAT LEONA DONT SAY THAT OMG THIS IS MAKING ME SO SAD

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2: 16th December 2018

There’s more of them. Why? Why must there be more of them? How many Christmas songs do we need? None of the 12 we have on the Top 40 can even really make a play for the number-one spot (“thank u, next” being the Christmas #1 would be disappointing, though), so it just feels like we should be applying the same rules we do to artists who have more than three songs debut in the top 40. Three Christmas re-entries every week, at max – not only do we get less of them, but it’ll be more telling of what are the most popular ones, and we won’t have songs that never go anywhere break chart records. Did you hear that, Shakin’ Stevens? Sigh...

CHRISTMAS NONSENSE

#36 – “Driving Home for Christmas” – Chris Rea

Who’s Chris Rea? I don’t know, really, he was a guitarist, apparently? From what I can gather, this is his only lasting impact because after a peep at his discography page, I can’t remember much from this dude at all – and sadly, being best-known for this song is not a great first impression. It peaked at #33 when it was initially released in 1988 (although it was written in 1978), however has since returned to the UK Top 40 every year, peaking last year at #14. I hear this one all the time and while I was just about to trash it for being plastic and too polished to really work, I mean, all Christmas music is, right? Judging it from that perspective means that I can more specifically complement the joyful, light chirpy piano melody and the nice acoustic guitar plucks running throughout – especially the occasional riff. I do like Rea’s raspier voice and the song’s well-written and doesn’t seem dated (would have sworn this song was made in the 2000s before today, although that may just be the animated music video that I’m used to seeing), and that’s pretty much all you need to ask for a Christmas track, so since this one does more, I’m not complaining about this returning – good enough song.

#33 – “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” – Wizzard

I credit the band as “Wizzard” but it’s really “Wizzard featuring vocal backing by The Suedettes plus The Stockland Green Bilateral School First Year Choir with additional noises by Miss Snob and Class 3C”. Yeah, there’s a bunch of children choirs here that used to be credited but are now left to the wayside, just for us to gaze at in the video as the poor kid gets picked up and sang with before the song ends and Roy Wood kicks him out, quite literally. They recorded and wrote this song in August too, so their producer decorated the studio and gave lead singer Roy Wood a fitting hat from lost-property. Oh, yeah, and I’m still unsure who really owns this song, there was a brief dispute between EMI and Warner Bros over it. This classic initially peaked at #4 in 1973, and has come back every year since. Now, I love this song, not because of how well-written it is like “Fairytale of New York”, not because of the production such as in “All I Want for Christmas is You”, but mostly because of how joyful it is – despite being really tongue-in-cheek. It starts with a cash machine for God’s sake, they were clearly aware of how much of a sell-out and cash-grab a Christmas rock song was, and wrote a saccharine song with all of the elements of a Christmas song, including the crisp horns and the children’s choir, of course. Wood’s vocals here are pretty great, and there’s some proper groove to the production – I’m surprised this one never met the US Hot 100, to be honest. The instrumental bridge with the strings rising in intensity while clashing both the choir and keys is just beautiful, and I personally find it hilarious how much effort they put into perfecting something that they knew was just easy money. The sax solo in the background in the penultimate chorus is pretty cool, and Roy Wood shouting “Okay, you lot, take it!” in a growling voice is iconic. Oh, and it has whatever the 70s glam-rock equivalent of a beat switch is four minutes in that is just abrupt and unnecessary, but I’m not bothered by it, it lasts like 15 seconds.

#28 – “One More Sleep” – Leona Lewis

This is a much more recent track yet still has become somewhat of a staple. Leona Lewis is an X Factor winner who made a Christmas album in 2013, with this being her lead single and almost her revival as her last single had failed to chart and her last album did relatively badly in comparison to her two previous, so what’s better to revitalise your career than a Christmas tune? After peaking at #3 in 2013, it hadn’t re-entered into the Top 40 until 2017, but now has returned, so we can safely assume we’ll be seeing this one for years to come. Leona Lewis’ performance here is pretty great albeit subtle, over some pretty non-descript yet effective Christmas pop production. The drums here are really punchy, and with all the sleigh bells and whistles added such as the horns (I’m not sure why everyone uses these for their Christmas songs, but it works) it is pretty well-produced if anything, and I’m not going to say it isn’t catchy (and that’s it’s only real purpose). I’ve actually never heard this one in full before, so I was surprised that this wasn’t mediocre, but it’s not great either. I appreciate it though, we need some newer Christmas staples.

#22 – “Step into Christmas” – Elton John

This song makes me feel like I’m on a whole lot of drugs. Yeah, to put it bluntly, but disregarding how much I love that guitar riff a lot, and the steadier beat, as well as how well-written it is, there’s so many repetitions of that one hook that it just gets to me and almost hypnotises me. I know how Christmas songs are kind of supposed to work like that, but this one is nearly five minutes, and although there’s definitely enough change for it to stay appealing and have the necessary breaks in the joy, it feels like it never stops. It’s just a neverending slog of a really good song being ruined by playing it four times in a row. This song needed to be two minutes and 28 seconds, but it might as well be three times that, because it’s mind-numbing. Like, seriously, Elton, shut up. Look, we get it, the admission’s free, that’s cool, but your Christmas song you’re welcoming me into feels way too much like Paul McCartney’s for me to have any fun. Seriously, have you heard “Wonderful Christmastime”? It’s the same concept, except the song that is being repeated ad infinitum isn’t a good song to begin with. The method clearly works though, because it initially peaked at #24 in 1973 and had a new peak last year at #11. Now, before the conclusion, what’s happened to the rest of the Christmas songs not in the top 10?

Christmas Climbers

“Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande is up five spaces to #30, with “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” reaching #26 after a 13-spot increase. Similarly at #21, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens has increased by 15 spaces. In the top 20, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas” by Michael Bublé is up 14 to #16, right next to “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid up 11 to #15. I’m not entirely sure if we’re counting Dalton Harris’ cover of “The Power of Love” featuring James Arthur as a Christmas song, but in that case, it collapsed by 15 positions to #19.

Christmas Conclusions

There wasn’t anything really bad here, but Worst of the Week goes to Elton John for “Step into Christmas”, with Dishonourable Mention not being given at all – again, nothing is all that bad. I guess Honourable Mention can’t be given either hence Best of the Week goes to Wizzard for “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday”. Now, let’s return to the “normal” half of the charts:

Top 10

Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” is still at #1 without seemingly any competition other than a 1990s Christmas song by Mariah Carey. Yeah, I’d hate this to be the Christmas number-one because I honestly don’t think songs without any relation to the holiday get that. Heck, even “Perfect” last year by Ed Sheeran had a video about the holidays.

Also not moving this week is “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max at the runner-up spot.

Honestly, this top three seems too stable for Mariah Carey or Wham! to break into it. “Without Me” by Halsey is also not moving at all at number-three.

“Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus jumps up six spaces to number-four.

Of course, at the tail-end of the top five, up one space from last week, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey. I do want to add that this a top five without any credited male vocalists. Yeah, Mark Ronson is credited as a primary artist because he produced the track, but males produced every song here, it’s just good to see a top five full of pop girls this year.

Down one position from last week is “Thursday” by Jess Glynne at number-six.

Up seven spaces is “Last Christmas” by Wham! at number-seven – I guess this COULD make a play at number-one, but I doubt it’ll have a bigger peak than last year considering the death of George Michael was two years ago at this point, and that’s the main reason for its spike in popularity last year.

“Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is down a spot to number-eight this week.

Thanks to the release of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, the R&B tie-in single, “Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee, survives in the Christmas avalanche, with a seven-spot rise to number-nine.

Finally, to round off the top 10, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl is up eight positions from last week, now at #10.

Now, just like last week...

What Survived

Anything that has drops or climbs less than three spaces aren’t mentioned. Any new arrivals, Christmas songs or top 10 entries aren’t mentioned – but otherwise, this is quite literally the rest of the top 40. “Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur and Anne-Marie is down three to #11, “Ruin My Life” by Zara Larsson has the same fate at #14, “Close to Me” by Ellie Goulding, Diplo and Swae Lee is up four to #17, “KIKA” by 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez is down nine to #18, “Going Bad” by Meek Mill and Drake is down three to #20 (I’m surprised it’s still here), “Better” by Khalid is down three to #23, “Hold My Girl” by George Ezra is somehow up eight spaces to #25, whilst “A Million Dreams” by P!nk is down eight spaces to #27, “1999” by Charli XCX and Troye Sivan is down five to #29, “Polaroid” by Jonas Blue, Liam Payne and Lennon Stella is down eight to #31, “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora is down a surprising 12 spaces to #34, “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper is down six to #38 (although I feel this will rebound in January), “Shotgun” by George Ezra returns to #39 (did his album get discounted or something?) and finally, “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish is also down 12 to #40. I’m surprised it’s lasted as long as it has.

What Suffered

“Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo had its streaming cut I take it, as it has dropped out from #12 (just as I started to like this much more, unfortunately), while “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez is out from #27 (good riddance), “MAMA” by 6ix9ine featuring Kanye West and Nicki Minaj is out from #29, “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker is out again from #31, former #1 “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith is finally out from #38 and “Arms Around You” by XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Swae Lee and Maluma is out from #40 – probably because it wasn’t on the album. Speaking of...

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “whoa (mind in awe)” – XXXTENTACION

Yes, I’m disgusted by what I’ve heard of XXXTENTACION’s first ever posthumous album, SKINS. The song with Kanye and Travis Barker, “One Minute”, which they seem to be pushing as the second single, makes me want to throw up and “BAD!”, which we reviewed a few weeks back, is pathetic and lazy, but more importantly, unfinished. I know that even X, who is infamous for not developing his music, would add something to “BAD!”, for better or for worse. Honestly, I’ve been trying to escape the album to not fund and hence dignify what the label is doing, but I have to hear this one, so, sure, I’ll say, this seems at least promising. I like the little marimba line, I think it’s unique to hear in trap, but XXXTENTACION’s lyrics here aren’t exactly very memorable, mostly because he mumbles all of it, but mostly because he says “whoa” more times than I can count on one hand. The bass and trap skitter actually really works here, and to be honest, this beat, although barebones, is pretty damn good, although X trying to say something being “like whoa” is not as meaningful as he’s trying to play it, and honestly this song just doesn’t exist, does it? It’s nothingness. It’s mostly instrumental and I can barely hear the dude anyway. I can’t give this any title like Best or Worst of the Week because it’s our only new arrival this week, so it’s like a 4-5/10, to give you any idea of how much I like it.  

Conclusion

That was it, that’s our only new arrival. How anti-climactic. This won’t be the last time I see you, there’s a new REVIEWING THE CHARTS on the 23rd, but since I doubt anything Christmassy will really happen there, happy holidays, everyone. See ya next week!