#ACTUALLY NO I CAN'T BUT IT LITERALLY HASN'T LEFT MY ON REPEAT FOR OVER A YEAR NOW AND I'VE GIVEN UP TRYING

[anonymous-dentist]

Bleeding Heart Part Seven

Part One | Previous Part

-

The car quietly drives down the street, headlights off and radio on silent. The police radio, though, is crackling- occasionally spouting off updates from the dispatch team and from the police station.

Bagi is humming; Cellbit is trying to figure out what song it is.

It's just under an hour until midnight, and Cellbit is trying not to think about the fact that somebody is going to die tonight and that they're going to die because of him.

Abruptly:

"What's wrong?" Bagi asks.

"Um," says Cellbit, "nothing. Fuck you."

He huffs so hard he blows a chunk of hair out of his face, grumbles, crosses his arms, and leans back into his seat. He slumps until his seatbelt is halfway up his stomach. His knee bounces nervously. His fingers twitch and tap against his elbows.

His phone is in his lap. He's turned the sound off, but he'll know if- when the call comes in. He'll just know.

Bagi hums. "Mhm. You're just hanging out with me at work because you want to."

"Exactly."

She nods. "Even though you hate my job and everything I do, and you always tell me that you'd rather die than sit in a police car again, and you called me after a week of ignoring me, and we both got visited by superheroes today."

Cellbit's nose wrinkles. "Not heroes. Mine was just annoying. She broke into my apartment, you know."

"Yeah, mine showed up when I finally got my lunch break. I literally sat down to eat in my car, and BAM!" Bagi slams her palm against the outside of the steering wheel. "Lavagirl is opening the door and sitting in the passenger seat! What the hell?"

"What the hell," Cellbit repeats, emphatic.

Then, he frowns and gives his sister a look. "You ate lunch at three?"

Bagi rolls her eyes. "Fuck off, you probably didn't even eat lunch."

"Hey! I ate!"

"Coffee doesn't count!"

"Okay, mom."

Suddenly, Bagi slams on the brakes.

Cellbit is sent flying forward so hard with an embarrassing yelp. His seatbelt, definitely in the wrong place, cuts into his stomach so hard that it knocks the air out of him. His phone launches off of his lap and onto the floor, landing face-down.

"What the fuck!?" he wheezes, doubling over trying to pull his seatbelt away from him; it doesn't budge, auto-locked from the abrupt stop.

Sweetly, Bagi asks, "Oh, no, did that hurt? Maybe you should try sitting like an actual adult sometime."

"Are you really calling me immature right now?" Cellbit asks, looking up at her in sheer disbelief. "You could've killed me!"

"And you could act your age. You're 26. Act like it."

With that, Bagi smiles, adjusts the rearview mirror, and starts driving again.

26, Cellbit thinks. He's 26.

But, looking at himself in his reflection in the windshield, he feels simultaneously so much older and younger.

Eventually, the seatbelt loosens up again, and Cellbit sits back up straight. He grabs his phone off the floor, checks to see if anything broke, lets out a relieved breath when he sees that it's fine. (And he visibly relaxes when he sees that he didn't miss the call.)

The car turns, left towards the baseball stadium.

Bagi starts humming again; Cellbit still can't figure out what song it is.

It's fifty minutes to midnight, and somebody is going to die.

Cellbit puts his phone down. Props his elbow up on the door's inside handle. Balls his hand into a fist, rests his head against it.

It would be so easy to tell Bagi. He already has a lie ready: Hombre Misterioso has been bothering him since they failed to kill him, and they told him that they're planning on striking tonight because they thought he wouldn't tell. Cellbit hasn't said anything out of fear, because he's a powerless civilian photographer who can't possibly fight back against such a terrifying villain, but now that someone is going to die, he has finally mustered up the strength to tell the authorities.

It would be. So easy.

Bagi is a police detective. Technically, she isn't supposed to be on patrol duty- that's normally relegated to uniform officers. But Cellbit had called her just over two hours ago asking if he could do a ride-along, and so she volunteered to go patrolling.

She has a gun. She has handcuffs. She has a police car. She has mysterious powers that Cellbit refuses to even begin to think about.

The car stops at a light.

Bagi taps her fingers against the steering wheel to the beat of her song. Her mouth is pulled tight- she's stressed, even Cellbit can tell that much.

It would be so fucking easy.

Instead, Cellbit sighs, rolling his head on his fist so he's looking out the window.

"I got Bluebird," he quietly says. "She started talking about my parents."

Bagi takes a moment, but she asks, "Yours, or-"

"Both."

His answer is short, angry. Not angry at her, though, and she seems to know it. After all, this is how he sounds every time someone talks about them. She's learned by now that she isn't the one he's ever upset at; it isn't her fault that their parents were the way they were.

"Oh," Bagi says.

Another moment, then: "Lavagirl did, too. Talk about mine. I told her to get out of my car before I arrested her."

Cellbit snorts. "What for?"

"Arson. She was melting the car seat."

Cellbit can't help it. He smiles and shoots his sister a glance out of the corner of his eye.

"What, are you calling her hot?" he teases.

Bagi responds by leaning over and smacking his shoulder hard.

He yips and presses himself further against the door. "What?"

"Stop trying to distract me!" she snaps. "I'm trying to empathize with you!"

"I would never try and distract you."

"Lie," Bagi immediately says.

Cellbit rolls his eyes.

Bagi's so-called power makes her a superhuman lie detector. But Cellbit isn't convinced that her power isn't actually just being super annoying.

She's more annoying when he argues with her, though, so Cellbit gives up for the moment and explains, "Mine kept trying to tell me that we're going to get killed because of..." (He sucks in a tense breath, lets it out slowly.) "...our parents."

Bagi nods. "Yeah, that's what mine said, too. I told her to fuck off."

"Did you?"

"Literally, yes! I just told you that I was going to arrest her!"

"You'd probably like to see her in handcuffs."

"Cellbit!"

Another slap.

Cellbit laughs, sitting up and giving Bagi a teasing look.

"I've seen the way you watch her on tv," he taunts. "It's gross."

"You're gross," Bagi huffs. But at least she's smiling now. "Fuck you. You aren't much better, you know. I saw the way you looked at that guy in the hospital."

"Hm?" Cellbit innocently asks. "I was on morphine, who was that?"

"Oh, you know."

"I know that I'm pressing charges against Bluebird for forced entry," Cellbit says, expertly diverting the conversation to something much more important. "I closed the door on her, you know. But she forced her way in and wouldn't leave when I asked her to. That's trespassing."

"Make a report in the morning. Even if Cucurucho shuts it down, the news'll hear about it. She's new, who knows how well she'll do if the press starts turning against her?"

Bagi's smile is crooked and the exact same as Cellbit's used to be when he killed. Once upon a time, Cellbit refused to believe that they were related. Now, he can't stop thinking about how similar they are.

Cellbit nods, playing along. "It would sure be a shame if Baghs or Max heard about it."

"Imagine that. If she got on the Daily Quack's bad side, she might be forced to retire by the end of the year."

"Really? It's August. No way she'll be done in four months."

"She might be if Gordinho Gostosinho talks about her."

Bagi laughs. She cackles, even, like the absolute witch she is.

(When Cellbit first decided that they were related after all, he briefly thought about asking her to join him. Not because he knew that their... politics aligned, but because he thought- and he still thinks!- that she's dangerous.)

Cellbit's phone is in his lap.

The police radio calls out a robbery on the opposite side of town.

The car turns towards downtown. Cellbit vaguely recognizes the area from when he took Roier's photos for him.

Cellbit, not quite in the mood for evil laughter, settles for a rude-sounding chuckle.

This is why he wanted to be with Bagi tonight. Not because he wants to rat Hombre Misterioso out, but because he wants a distraction from the murder about to happen. Man-Bear is due to die in less than an hour, and it's all Cellbit's fault. But, if he's with Bagi, he doesn't have to think about that. He can think about other things, like ruining Bluebird's life, or Bagi's absolutely depressing taste in women.

"I need to have this back at the station at one," Bagi says after a full, solid minute and a half of laughter. "Let's get something to eat after. We can have a sleepover."

Cellbit raises an eyebrow. "In your apartment? Absolutely not."

"Fuck you! It's way nicer than yours!"

"Excuse you, mine is perfect. Yours smells like shit, like, literally all the time."

"Those are candles, what the fuck? What is wrong with you? They're lilac."

"They're gross."

"Says the guy whose apartment always smells like burned food. Learn to cook, idiot."

"Oh, come on, I-"

Cellbit cuts himself off with a choked sound as his phone vibrates in his lap.

He looks down at the screen. Unknown number, but he knows the number. He knows it, and it's time.

"What's wrong?" Bagi asks.

When Cellbit doesn't respond, Bagi repeats, "Cellbit, what's wrong?"

Something tickles at the back of Cellbit's brain, itching down his spine and into his throat.

"I need to take this," he chokes out.

With a shaking hand, he accepts the call. He raises his phone to his ear, and he waits.

And then, they speak:

"Seven-fifty Asado Street. Ten minutes. I'll see you there, mi enigmito."

And then they hang up.

Cellbit stares down at his phone.

It'll take Bagi fifteen minutes to cross the city even if she has the siren on and the lights flashing. Even breaking every traffic law known to man, Q City is so big and so maze-like that Asado Street is fifteen minutes away.

Cellbit doesn't need to see a map to know this, he knows Asado Street by heart; his adoptive mother worked in a clinic there. She delivered babies. Cellbit used to go to work with her when he was too sick to go to school. He would lay on a couch in the faculty break room and read. The street sign was right outside the window.

"Cellbit?" Bagi asks, breaking Cellbit out of his thoughts. "Tell me, what happened?"

"It's Roier," Cellbit immediately lies, moreso hearing himself talk than actually talking. "Hombre Misterioso is by him. Asado Street. He thinks they're going to kill him."

It's a lie, but. They're early. Hombre Misterioso is early.

(His throat burns.)

Bagi immediately flips a switch on the console. The car's siren starts blaring, and the world outside lights up red and blue.

She steps on the gas.

Cellbit puts his face in his hands. His fault...

-

Now, Cellbit doesn't have anything against murder. He just doesn't want there to be any more blood on his hands than there already is; he's retired, he can't be a killer anymore, he can't. What kind of father would he be?

If Man-Bear dies, it isn't Cellbit fault. He won't be the one killing him. But... it will be Cellbit's fault, because he has the ability to end it all. He's had the ability to end it all for two months.

He doesn't care if Hombre Misterioso kills people. He does care that Hombre Misterioso is making him an accomplice. They know that he can't just tell people that the city's most wanted supervillain has him on speed dial. They'd want to know why he didn't report Hombre Misterioso to the police the second the first phone call ended. Why didn't Hombre Misterioso finish killing him in the first place?

Cellbit is caught between a rock and a hard place.

He turns Hombre Misterioso in, and he risks his own secret identity getting revealed. He'll be taken away from his family. His personal connections will be investigated, and nearly all of his friends and family will have their identities revealed. Richarlyson will be taken back by the government. He'll end up back with the Federation. Cellbit will end up back with the Federation, and they won't give him up as easily this time.

But. But Cellbit is done with all of this: villainy, killing. He loves the fact that Hombre Misterioso is a serial killer, but he can't get his hands dirty anymore. He's a father. He can't set a bad example for his son, Richarlson is already too involved with the Order thanks to his other parents and his various uncles and his aunt.

All Cellbit wants is to be normal.

But, of course, he never gets what he wants.

-

Bagi pulls up to 750 Asado Street just in time for her and Cellbit to watch an enormous black bear go flying out of a sixth-floor window. It crashes down onto the sidewalk, landing on all fours.

And then the bear stands onto its hind legs and shrinks slightly.

In the flashing police car lights, Cellbit can see a teal suit forming around the bear's body. A motorcycle helmet appears over its head and face, and huge, flashing claws pop out of its upper paws.

"Man-Bear," Bagi breathes.

"He's alive," Cellbit gasps.

Well, actually, of course he is. He's Man-Bear, he's borderline unkillable: a genetically-engineered half-man, half-bear hybrid capable of lifting a tank and outpacing a racing car. His claws can shred through solid steel, and his jaw strength is enough to snap a human spine with just one bite.

Man-Bear is one of the Federation's strongest. He's definitely the strongest hero that Hombre Misterioso has targeted so far.

What are they thinking!? Even with the weird super speed and the sword, they're just a person.

Man-Bear roars, throwing his head back and puffing his chest out.

"I need to call backup," Bagi says.

She reaches for the police radio, but Cellbit grabs her wrist with a panicked look.

"Roier," he desperately says, eyes widening pathetically. (Bagi thinks he has a crush, he can use that.) "We have to find him."

Bagi's eyes soften. "I will. But we can't just leave Man-Bear alone."

As if on cue, Man-Bear yells as a familiar figure steps out from the apartment building's shadows.

"Shit!" Bagi hisses.

She shakes Cellbit off and unhooks her gun from off of her belt.

"I'm going for Roier," she tells Cellbit.

She looks at him, dead serious. "Did he say where he was?"

Cellbit, focused on Hombre Misterioso, shakes his head. He tries to look as scared as possible, and he mostly succeeds.

Hombre Misterioso flexes their wrist, twirling their sword in their hand like some sort of demented medieval knight. Their cloak billows behind them; the only hint of the front of their body visible is the police car's lights reflecting red-blue-red-blue from the eye lenses of their gas mask.

Man-Bear lunges towards them.

They dodge expertly, ducking to the side and swinging their sword upwards.

Man-Bear takes the sword cutting into his flesh like it's a paper cut. He sweeps a hind leg out and knocks a leg out from under Hombre Misterioso.

Hombre Misterioso cackles so loud that Cellbit's bones rattle within his body. They tumble to the ground and somersault out of reach of a pounce.

And the fight is on.

"Fuck," Bagi swears.

She unhooks her seatbelt and pulls her hair back into a tight ponytail and clicks her gun's safety off.

Cellbit moves to undo his seatbelt, too, but Bagi grabs his wrist and stops him.

"Stay here," she orders. "Your shitty self defense classes won't help here."

"I can help look," Cellbit tries, even though he knows that Roier isn't here, but he can't let Bagi know that Roier isn't here because he knows that she's better at finding people than Cellbit could ever dream of being, and, and-

And, with a flash, he's handcuffed to his seatbelt.

"If he starts losing, call for backup," Bagi says. "You know how the radio works. And Bluebird is bound to show up soon, she'll help."

"But-"

She smiles tensely. "Don't worry, I'll find your boyfriend. Just... stay safe."

With that, she leaps out of the car. The doors thunk! locked, and Cellbit is stuck. In the car. Watching his sister run stupidly into the closest alley. And watching Hombre Misterioso kill a man.

Cellbit groans in frustration. He then yells in frustration and violently shakes the hand cuffed to his seatbelt. He kicks the dashboard.

What kind of a stupid fucking cop leaves a civilian behind, handcuffed, just feet away from a hero fight? When the villain involved has attacked him before? And (supposedly) hospitalized him?

Is she stupid? Is Bagi stupid? She's related to Cellbit, so she must be.

Wildly, Cellbit yanks the car's glove compartment open just in case there's somehow something in there that can help him get uncuffed. He knows there won't be, but he has to keep Bagi distracted.

Why did he even answer her? When she asked? What was wrong? Why did he answer?

His attention snaps to the fight when Hombre Misterioso lets out a pained, garbled scream.

They're pinned against a telephone pole with several claws stabbed clear through their shoulder and into the wood. Their sword is still somehow loosely held in their hand, but Man-Bear's jaws are inches away from their throat and rapidly closing in.

Wait-

Sucking in a sharp breath, Cellbit lets out as loud a scream as he can:

"Roier! Run!"

(Just in case Bagi can hear him. Just in case.)

He wants a distraction, he wants a distraction, he wants-

"What?" Man-Bear rumbles, head snapping in Cellbit's direction. His helmet glints red with blood in the lights; his muzzle is covered in the stuff.

Taking advantage of the momentary distraction, Hombre Misterioso swings their leg upwards. And then they knee Man-Bear right in his junk.

Man-Bear roars, recoiling just enough for Hombre Misterioso to slip off of his claws and dip into the shadows.

Cellbit rattles his hand desperately. He used to be able to get out of cuffs by dislocating his thumb and wrist, but that was years ago. Maybe he could...

Grimacing, he presses his hand into the sharp edges of the cuff until he starts to draw blood. Not too much, but enough for a potential lockpick. This, at least, he can still do.

The fight continues outside. But Cellbit lets them keep at it. He's busy.

Eyebrows furrowing in concentration, Cellbit guides his blood into the cuffs' lock. His tongue pokes slightly out of his mouth; idly, not realizing he's doing it, he licks his lips.

His concentration is suddenly broken as the police car jerks and rocks with the force of an entire human being being thrown against it.

Cellbit accidentally lets out a yell as he's jerked around.

Glass shatters and crumbles inwards into the car's back seat as Hombre Misterioso groans and shifts, trying to push themselves back to their feet.

But then Man-Bear charges. And then Man-Bear plows into Hombre Misterioso, and the car crumples like a can under their combined weight.

Cellbit pulls himself away from the back as much as he can, but he still feels his cuffed arm get pulled completely out of place.

He bites back a scream, but he lets the instinctive tears fall. He can fix this later.

"What the fuck!?" he yells.

"Sorry," Hombre Misterioso chokes, voice faint and voice modulator popping uncertainly. It's going to give out soon. "This guy sucks, right?"

They cough as Man-Bear takes a step back to prepare for what has to be a finishing blow.

They're going to give out soon.

And they're going to take Cellbit and this shitty police car with them.

(Fucking Bagi!!)

This is fucking personal, now.

Grunting, Cellbit readjusts himself in his seat so that his feet are up against the passenger-side window. The seatbelt digs heavily into his skin, he can feel himself bleeding and bruising.

He can hear Man-Bear's heart beating.

Cellbit grits his teeth. And then he kicks with both feet.

The already-cracking glass gives out from under him easily. Fresh air floods into the car, and it's there. It's in the air: blood.

"Ouagh," Hombre Misterioso moans.

Cellbit rapidly sits upright and leans his head out the window. He glares at Man-Bear, who, finally, seems to have realized that there's a civilian in the car he's actively destroying.

There's a gaping hole in the side of Man-Bear's stupid suit, it's right below one of his sponsors' logos. And, on the fabric, Cellbit can see blood. It's seeping, slow thanks to Man-Bear's ridiculous healing factor.

"You," Cellbit glowers.

Hombre Misterioso freezes in place, mid-slide to the ground. Their sword, falling from their hand, is just as stuck in place: mid-air.

"Sorry," says Man-Bear, definitely not apologetic, the bastard. "Let's do this quick, eh? Then we can talk."

Cellbit's eyes narrow.

He reaches his free arm out the window, extending his hand towards Man-Bear like he is asking for help getting out of the car.

Seeing that Hombre Misterioso isn't moving and probably assuming they're dead, Man-Bear takes a step forward to do his duty and save a civilian life.

One step.

That's as far as he gets.

One step.

In one swift, familiar motion, Cellbit closes his hand as if he was holding a rope, and he pulls.

Like scarves coming out of a magician's sleeve, red strands stream out of Man-Bear's side and wrap around his thick neck.

It's over in a flash. Just in that one step.

Not because Cellbit has pulled all the blood out of Man-Bear's body, nor because he's successfully strangled him with his own blood, but because there's a flash of iron from behind Man-Bear's body and a desperate robotic scream.

Man-Bear falls.

Behind him stands Hombre Misterioso, swaying on their feet. One of the lenses of their mask is cracked, their cloak is torn, their entire body is soaked with blood.

"You called for Roier," Hombre Misterioso weakly says. Their voice modulator is almost all static at this point, their words barely discernible.

"You dislocated my fucking arm!" Cellbit shouts.

They shrug. "I knew you'd help me, anyway."

"Self-defense. It was. Self-defense. You guys were going to kill me!"

"I suppose you coming here was self-defense, too?"

Cellbit goes silent.

Hombre Misterioso goes still.

"Cellbit!" Bagi screams.

She sprints towards the car from down the road, at least a full block away.

As soon as she gets within shooting range, she aims her gun right at Hombre Misterioso's still body.

Pathetically, Cellbit whimpers, "My arm... I think it's broken..."

"I told you to call for backup!" she snaps.

"You left me here to die," he moans, eyes fluttering shut. "I almost died."

"Hombre Misterioso, drop your sword and put your hands up."

"Bagi..."

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law-"

"-Bagi..."

"-You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you. If-"

"-Maninha."

Just like that, Cellbit's door is being pulled open, and the cuff is being unlocked.

He's pulled into a hug; he smirks into the leather of Bagi's jacket.

"They're gone, anyway," Bagi whispers. Her hand raises to cradle the back of his head. "And I'm older, asshole."

"We don't know that."

Cellbit fakes a cough to change the subject. "Did you- did you find him?"

He feels Bagi's head shake. "I'm sorry. But I'm sure he's fine! Hombre Misterioso seemed more interested in Man-Bear."

Cellbit fakes a sniffle. "He's dead. Man-Bear. I watched him die."

"Poor you."

Somehow, she doesn't sound sympathetic.

Cellbit pinches her side. "Fuck you, I'm traumatized!"

"And, you're hurt."

Slowly, Bagi backs out of the hug.

Cellbit's eyes open, and he's immediately met with a flashlight being shone into his eyes.

He yelps and shuts his eyes again.

"It's my arm that's fucked up!" he protests. "Not my head!"

"With that big head of yours? You probably got a double concussion."

"Is that even a thing?"

"Do I look like a doctor?"

Cellbit groans, "Just put my arm back in place and take me home."

"Nuh-uh, hospital."

In a flash, he's sitting up and shaking his head, eyes wide and panicked. "No! No, no hospitals. Bagi-"

She huffs, more than used to this. "-Cellbit! There's blood in the car!"

"It's not mine!" he argues. His heart hurts, it's beating so fast in his chest. "Just take me home and call Pac! He's a doctor!"

"Yeah, no, he has a doctorate. You need a doctor."

"I need a sister who actually cares about me," Cellbit snaps. He tries to stand, fails, sits back down with a wince. "I don't- Bagi, please!"

Bagi bites her lip. She knows why he doesn't like hospitals, but she doesn't understand. She never could. She never will, no matter how hard she tries.

Eventually, she relents. Her head hangs, but she nods.

"Fine," she grumbles.

Cellbit's chest stops squeezing as tightly.

He can't feel his arm.

He smiles weakly, anyway.

Forcing himself to his feet, he stumbles forward into Bagi's arms. With his one good arm, he hugs her, because he can. Because, hey, his arm might actually be broken, and there's a dead man less than ten feet away from them, but he's alive. Somehow, he's alive.

"This is all your fault," he murmurs, right into her ear. "Should've taken me with you."

She hugs him back, of course.

"Fuck you," she warmly replies. "Stay home next time."

He barks out a laugh. She giggles along, not quite understanding why he's laughing.

Stay home, hah. No. No way he's going to be able to do that now. Not now that he helped Hombre Misterioso kill. Not now that Hombre Misterioso is convinced that Cellbit secretly wants to help him.

There's blood on Cellbit's hands. The real question is how much more he can take before he breaks once and for all.

-

A/N: Let me know what you think in the tags or in my inbox! I want to hear your theories, thoughts, opinions, everything!

[mostlyfate]

Would it be okay to ask you for jdrama recs? Coming from someone who hasn't watched a single jdrama in their life 😊 Kind of a jdrama starter pack please? ❤️

*sweats nervously once again* bc as I said before I honestly don’t like to rec things bc I think my taste is all over the place... 😂 and I'm not one who really pays attention or think about the faults of dramas. I just watch and enjoy (most of the time) lol. It also has only been almost four years for me with watching jdramas so I feel like I'm still pretty new to them haha. but I will try~ and what I mention is honestly more of ones I enjoyed the most watching and can remember!

okaaay! if you want to start out v short and sweet w some 🦋's i have two favorite drama specials 💘

— Tadashi Koi no Hajimekata (2023) | episodes: 01. genres: romance, youth. » there's only one episode but with two different versions! the name mentioned above is the first version and then tadashi koi no hajimekata: horoama? horoniga? date hen is the second version. it basically the same but shows the perspective of the two male leads with additional scenes! i just loved the pairing of mako and eita and their chemistry was soo good and fun. i am still v sad it wasn't an actual full length drama 😭 and the song that played at the end of date version was on repeat for months! 10/10 reccomend ✨

— An no Ririkku: Sakuragi An Haiku Hajimetemimashita (2021) | episodes: 02. genres: drama, youth. » i remember enjoying this one a lot it was definitely one of my favorite watches in 2021! since this one isn't the freshest in my memory (i have the worst memory fr) i can't say much but i swear i was obsessed w this special and the leads back in 2021!! 😆

before i get into mentioning actual full-length dramas i'll mention my two favorite jmovies that i actually physically own :)) so if you're interested in watching a movie before diving into dramas 💐

— Murder at Shijinso (2019) | duration: 2hr. 0 min. genres: horror, mystery, thriller, youth. » i love this dumb (affectionately) silly movie so much!! it might also be because i love the main actress hamabe minami but it's definitely just a fun murder mystery to watch :D

— You're Not Normal, Either! (2021) | duration: 1hr. 38 min. genres: comedy, romance, drama. » i enjoyed this one a lot!!! obviously since i also went out of my way to own it haha. but yeah my reviews for literally everything i like is "i enjoyed it" 😅 but seriously i did 🙇‍♀️

now for dramas!! i'll mention my two all time faves then ones i remember enjoying the most! 💐

— Talio Fukushu Daiko no Futari (2020) | episodes: 07. genres: comedy, law, mystery. » it's been three years since it aired and i'm still crying about it 😭 it's the one drama i never shut up about and think about all the time. it's my favorite drama of all time like nothing throughout the years has had a hold on me since!! (what i've previously said about it~) | the way both leads played off each other and their chemistry was just- a++ the soundtrack for the drama was also such a treat and the vibes matched it so well! the vibes of the whole drama though!! I think it was also shot beautifully. and the consistency (!!! the way they kept things going even the smallest details !!!) throughout was something i really appreciated and looked forward too :’) i really be missing it everyday... </3 | i literally have a talio collection that i finally completed a few months ago 🥹 i have the dvd, cd, vinyl, and the magazine the leads were on the cover of 🫶

— Itsuka, Nemuri Ni Tsuku Hi (2019) | episodes: 06. genres: fantasy, friendship, supernatural, youth. » this one still makes my heart hurt whenever i think about it and i just simply love it to pieces. it really has left an lasting impression on me. short and bittersweet. 🖤

dramas that are romance focused 💓

— Koi wa Tsuzuku yo Doko Made mo (2020) | episodes: 10. genres: comedy, medical, romance. » ahh so i think this was my first jdrama i watched!?! i honestly cant remember if i watched any before this bc this was the first jdrama i actually made gifs of so i'm going off of that as it being the first haha. but if you want something nice and fun to watch with romance at the forefront this is for youuu! bc i feel like most of my recs aren't romance heavy! and i just remember being obsessed with the leads and pretty sure it's what made me continue to watch jdramas 🫣

— Animals (2022) | episodes: 08 (+ 2 specials). genres: business, romance, drama. » loved loved loved this drama! one out of the five favorite dramas i watched in 2022!! great friendships, great message, funny and sweet moments, lovely lead— umi-chan i miss youuu. 🤧

— Oshi ga Joshi ni Narimashite (2023) | episodes: 12. genres: comedy, drama, romance. » definitely one of the funnest and sweetest drama i watched last year and suzuki airi (female lead) it's just such soo good, love her acting! she's also the lead in the drama animals i previously mentioned! pure rom-com with great chemistry!! ✨

— Kieta Hatsukoi (2021) | episodes: 10. genres: comedy, romance, youth. » high school setting with romance/friendship being the focus!! all the characters are so likable and it was such a cute and fun watch!!

— Ore no Kawaii wa Mousugu Shohikigen!? (2022) | episodes: 09. genres: comedy, romance. » easy fun and cute watch with great leads!!

dramas with all other kinds of genres (w hints of romance) ✨

— Bishoku Tantei Akechi Goro (2020) | episodes: 09. genres: comedy, food, mystery, thriller. » ooh i was obsessed w the leads of this one as well LOL. idk i really had so much fun watching this one and i loved main female lead a lot. 😭 also it had some really funny moments 😭

— Toki wo Kakeru Bando (2020) | episodes: 10. genres: comedy, music, romance, sci-fi » #wasnt expecting any crying to happen going into this drama 😩 #miura shohei's performance though?? AMAZING #he had me in tears every time #ryo i love u #not that it's similar but this reminds me of itsuka nemuri ni tsuku hi 🤧 | tags from a post i posted when i watched yeah 😂

— Dr. White (2022) | episodes: 10 (+ 1 special). genres: comedy, drama, medical, mystery. » also another favorite from my five favorite dramas watched in 2022! even though it wasn't finished being subbed until last year i still very much enjoyed what eps i watched back then! like i really looked forward to every episode and soo grateful the subber decided to finish it and subbed the special as well! i might be bias because i love hamabe minami who's the female lead (and is in two other things i mentioned above lol) but all the characters are v likable and they all have great chemistry together! plus i enjoyed the v subtle hint of romance between the two mains like it isn't really there but it is and i was quite satisfied with the ending. 🫶

— Ryosangata Riko: Puramo Joshi no Jinsei Kumitate Ki (2022) | episodes: 10. genres: business, drama, life. » i adore the lead so much, she's the cutest! i find this one to be such a fun and relaxing watch! and there's a cute little hint of romance which was soo good to me and wish we got more of them. 😭 there's also a second season: Ryosangata Riko: Mou Hitori no Puramo Joshi no Jinsei Kumitate ki / with same cast members but set in a new universe that just aired last year!

— Okaeri Mone (2021) | episodes: 120. genres: life, drama, romance. » the number of episodes might scare you but this drama is an asadora (morning drama) which is only 15 minutes per episode! so if you're looking for a longer watch about life with a bit of romance i 10/10 recommend checking it out!! yes hello i always miss them 😭

what i'm currently watching ☕️

— Uchi no Bengoshi wa Te ga Kakaru (2023)| episodes: 11. genres: comedy, law, mystery. » i totally have a thing for law and mystery dramas lol. but i've been enjoying this one a lot and recommend if you want something fun but somewhat serious to watch! and if you just like law dramas like mee 😂

— Nanyobi ni Umareta no (2023) | episodes: 09. genres: drama » this one is keeping me really interested and is definitely a type of drama i haven't really watched much of?? it's engaging, surprising and the actors are great! i feel like most dramas i mentioned are easy going ones to watch besides a few so this one is the latter!

+ special mention if you wanted to watch something base on an manga w anime-like feel ❈

— Kishibe Rohan wa Ugokanai (2020 - 2022) | seasons: 03, episodes: 03, 03, 02. + a movie Rohan au Louvre (2023) genres: horror, fantasy, mystery, thriller, supernatural. » i had been watching since the first one came out in 2020 and i didn't think we would be getting a season every year since and then even a movie! definitely check out if you're in the mood for creepy mystery with pleasing visuals + great outfits!

yeaaah that's it from me! ✌️ i feel like this isn't much of a starter pack-friendly list since it's kind of all over the place sorry 😭 but hope even just one peaks your interest!!

[mdhwrites]

If you're gonna claim Luz left Boiling Isles to die, how come you also aren't claiming Anne and the Plantars wanted to leave Amphibia to die too. In Escape to Amphibia, we get scenes where they consider wanting to stay on Earth longer and only went ahead with going to Amphibia quickly purely because of FBI interference, as if implying they would've just procrastinated longer if the FBI didn't force them to hurry up.

gestures above If you do not know what bad faith criticism is, this is it. I wouldn't respond but like... Escape to Amphibia and its light confrontation on this topic is emblematic of what makes Amphibia S3A fucking amazing so let's talk about it. Let's start with the scenes in question because they're short and there's only two of them.

Oh, and a link to the blog the person is responding to that's about how Luz left a world to die. Because she did.

So we see a couple things. Face value, the two scenes can be described as "Someone scared about a big life choice is comforted by her best friend and offered time before they have to make the choice." The latter is "The scared person has an overwhelming responsibility before them that finally comes crashing down on them and they have a breakdown." In the first case, it is framed and presented as something the character hasn't thought about before now while the latter reinforces that by making it clear there's a lot she has been trying not to think about in order to reach this goal.

Which is all actually built up and in character for how Anne has acted this entire half season. She has CONSTANTLY been had to be pulled back from destroying herself in order to get a way back to Amphibia. To find a way to take care of the Plantars while they're trapped over in the human realm. To make progress on these giant questions on her mind. We see this with her exhaustion at the museum hunt, her having to be reminded of the importance of her community during Temple Frogs, and we see it with how she can be persuaded by The Plantars in the episode where we meet Terry, just to name a few. It's even one of the first things S3 touches on by showing how she very bluntly compartmentalizes parts of what has happened to her. That's why we get the repeated gag in the first episode of Anne trying to say they don't have much to deal with before beginning to ramble about ALL they have to deal with before swiping it away because she quite literally can't handle the full breadth of what is currently her reality. Only now has she finally succeeded in her goal, has it staring it in her face, that she even can step back and go, "Wait, wasn't my whole goal to get home to the world and family I love?"

And I don't mean Amphibia. For two seasons, even as she grew closer and closer to The Plantars, Anne never intended to stay. She ADORES the human world. She loves her parents. This is her home and yet she has spent months on a forced march towards this goal of leaving this place. Leaving this place for a world far more dangerous than her own with no solid plan to get back besides hopefully beating a tyrant and his robot army. That's terrifying.

And yet she doesn't even ask for time. She doesn't try to get out of it. She is offered it and is willing to take a few days so she can say bye to her parents properly, they've been gone for months, what's a couple more days? But to not go? Not help? Never even suggested and it's never indicated that she would have taken the option because that is not who the show has built Anne up to be. That's why her parents are so willing to let her go because they understand this is not only what she must do for herself but that she can do it because she's amazing.

It's a moment of self doubt that is GREAT character drama and circles back a fuckton of elements from not only S3 but also previous seasons to give this mid season finale some real character weight behind it despite getting such little time dedicated to it in this episode specifically. The WHOLE SERIES has prepared you for this moment so it lands with the right punch that also is just a humanistic touch that reminds you that Anne is a thirteen year old girl from Earth and so this is kind of scary and terrifying for her.

Comparing that to someone who spends supposed MONTHS thinking about how she's really bad at making choices, how her brash choices made on her own have led to an entire world's ruin, doubles down on that problem by making a terrible choice on her own that abandons countless lives, including her friends, and absolves her of the need to even attempt to actually put right what she claims is her fault for getting broken... To compare the two is laughable. To say they are the same only makes you look like a fool. See you next tale.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

I am so excited about the finale and what it could mean for Buddie. Eddie wanting someone to be there after a tough call.. But we know both Marisol and Natalia will be in the finale. Couldn’t it be that both Buck and Eddie will “sit” with them after the tough call? I mean, I know the couch is about the Buckley Diaz family. I just think it’ll be in season 7 when we get the conclusion of the couch theory. I don’t know, just knowing that they are there, makes me very careful about what I hope for in this finale.

I'm going to answer all of these together because I do not have the energy to rinse and repeat answer the same thing over and over!!

I am excited - very excited about tonights episode - so many things set up and so many things going on from what we've seen already.

first things first - I'm going to deal with Natalia. I genuinely don't think she's going to be about for more than this episode - I'm very much expecting some form of resolution with her - she is now tied into the sperm donor story as well as Bucks death story arc and from my position that is intentional - the contrast between life and death - Bucks choice is clear in this - he'll choose life because he is realising he has so much to live for and all Natalia has ever seen in Buck - really is his death. So I have no worries about her appearance - I'm simply intrigued to she how it plays out and how Buck goes about choosing himself and choosing life!

As for Marisol - I'm putting it under a cut because this got a bit long!

Firstly - where have you found confirmation of a stunt double listed for Edy/Marisol?? I've never heard of her having one listed anywhere and no one else has either - if she had one listed anywhere then 911bts would know about it and would've let us all know. You bringing it up is literally the first I'm hearing about it. So I think its safe to rule her out from actually being at the big disaster - there is already enough going on there, and with far more important characters in relation to the firefam for her to fit in those scenes. feel free to come back to me if I'm wrong, but personally I can't see it.

We don't have any context for her appearance, and that includes if there is going to be anything romantic set up with her and Eddie. for all we know they're setting her up to be a friend to Eddie (because Eddie really does see all women as friend shaped) My feeling is that the show won't go that far with them and will at most leave it ambiguous - its a season finale and the showrunners didn't know if this was going to be the final season of the show so the likelihood of them going big on starting something of a romantic nature is fairly unlikely - its far more likely that they'll leave it open and in more of an ambiguous place that is satisfying to viewers but leaves them enough wiggle room to play on it in season 7if they got the green light for said season 7.

911 has always been about leaving its characters in good and hopeful places at the end of all its seasons and that uncertainty around renewal would've been something they were aware of going into the writing of this script. That means they would've chosen to write a season end that was fitting as a series end as well - something that left enough threads in play that they could pick them back up again if renewal came, but at the same time wrapped things up nicely for everyone if not. this is something the show has been very good at doing as a whole - if you rewatch any finale episode from any season as view it as a last ever episode you will find all arcs have been wrapped up in a way that is both satisfactory if there were no further episodes, but also open enough that lots of seeds for future storytelling have been planted.

there are other things to consider here as well. This season hasn't really been about romantic love - its been about family, the changing dynamics of family, building and strengthening the family you have, actually understanding the family you have/have been building. that is what we have seen for all the characters all season long - Bathena figuring out the next stage for them as empty nesters and having grown up children. Bobby admitting he views buck as a son, his struggles with Wendell's death - his AA family. Athena dealing with her parents - when the child becomes the carer, and solving something that had haunted her family most of her life. Hen and Karen dealing with Hen taking on too much and neglecting her family as a result, having to deal with adding another parent into the mix as well as the exploration of how their family came to be in the first place. Madney - growing back together again, choosing to take the risk and be a family in everything, not just in parenting Jee, actually building a house of their own together - not one that was either of theirs from before, but one that is both of theirs from the beginning and one that allows them to take any next steps they want. the engagement whilst romantic etc is also about choosing family - something Maddie wasn't able to do with Doug because it wasn't safe, and something Chim never had with his own father - their engagement was as much about overcoming family trauma, learning from and healing from it as it was about romantic love.

Then we have Buddie - the family on paper (thanks to the will) even if they haven't figured themselves out yet or even talked about it. They sit in parallel to all of the other couples on the show in so many ways and that is very deliberate. For Eddie this season has been about his changing dynamic with Christopher as he grows up and seeks independence and who Eddie is if he doesn't have father and firefighter to hide behind - if he just gets to be Eddie. Its also been about him putting the ghost of Shannon to rest and being in a place where he can move on and create something new (even if he sucks at dating and has never actually questioned what it is he wants). While for Buck it has been about reckoning with ghosts and understanding that DNA doesn't make a family. Its been about Buck recognising which family is more important to him - the DNA family or the found family and choosing things for himself (which is why his new couch has to go) its been about him figuring out his place and where he's at peace (you know the place he can fall asleep as soon as he sits down - like Eddies couch maybe). The entire season has been spent building up Buddifer as a family dynamic and showing how much they all mean to each other and how much of a co-parent Buck is with Eddie. We've even had his relationship with Chris very loudly contrasted with the one Chim has with Denny just to make it extra obvious.

All this to say that the show hasn't been doing all this for nothing and I'm pretty convinced that they will send us into hiatus with all the pieces set up ready to build on in season 7.

Back to how Marisol fits into all of this - its pretty simple - the show is great at giving us lots of subtext - we just have to choose to read it. I've already answered an ask about how the name Marisol means our lady of solitude - the thing Eddie is feeling right now because he is focused on the concept of everyone dying alone and isn't quite in a place to look more deeply at the Buck of it all - he's getting there, but he isn't quite ready yet.

Then we have the construction aspect of the Eddie/Marisol dynamic - everything around them has been in relation to construction - but always about constructing something for someone else - Eddie goes to her house to help with repairs (with Buck and other fire fighters) - not something for himself. They meet again at a DIY store when both of them are looking for something for someone else - her for her brother, him for his son. The focus of their interaction was very much about other people and helping other people so there is something to be said about the idea of construction on sunset (a metaphor for Eddie thats been in play for a long time) and her helping him to figure out and fix whatever that construction is so that the road ahead is clear for his happily ever after (the sunset) - she isn't the sunset, she's just the construction worker - to help Eddie with the final piece of the puzzle.

The other thing to keep in mind is costuming for both Marisol and Eddie. We are pretty sure that one of Marisol's costumes tonight is an olive green and blue tie dye sweatshirt - literally the Buddie colours of the season, because we have a bts photo of Edy in what looks very much like a costume (her hair and makeup have also been done as Marisol).

Eddie is green and Buck is blue (Eddie has worn green 11 and blue 4 times this season and Buck has worn blue 22 times and green 7 times - far far more than any other colours they've worn except black for Eddie which he has rarely worn around Buck - except when in his widows weeds) , from the clothes they wear and the cases they have on their phones, the blue and green has been a very deliberate choice - Eddie is growing and Buck is water trying to find its level. Putting Marisol in a top that is a literal mash up of their two colours is telling me that whatever her scenes are, her role will be one that in some way brings Buddie together, not one that creates a wedge between them because up to now the costume department has been careful to steer clear of any Buck or Eddie related colours on either Natalia or Marisol.

That isn't to say that I don't think Marisol will feature in some way - I do and I think we will see her carry over into season 7, but there is literally nothing the writers (and all the other departments) have done that makes me think she is anything but someone who is meant to help Eddie get to a place where he is ready to see what he has already built - what is already in front of him - that Buck is the person who will always sit with him in the mess and make it his mess too.

Literally all the things the show is doing is pointing to Buddie and to expect it to happen and for them to go canon tonight is just foolish - neither Buck nor Eddie are ready for that, both have some more healing and growing to do before we get to that point and they need to have a conversation - a big massive conversation which tonights episode doesn't have room for because its a conversation that an entire episode will be built around. There is already some amazing Buddie related stuff that we've had in the sneak peeks and we will likely get more, all of which builds on all the things we've already spent this season discussing. Everything has been set up for Buddie canon in season 7 and it seems Marisol is part of helping us get there so if i were you (that means any of you) I would sit back and enjoy the storytelling because it all has a point and has been done with the intention of giving us Buddie - we made it through an entire season of Taylor Kelly and she gave us plenty of Buck growth in the middle of a slow and torturous spiral, so we can deal with a few episodes of Marisol who is going to help Eddie figure out that he isn't actually lonely because he already has what he's looking for!

If you choose to not learn how to read what a show is doing, and also come into peoples inboxes (who are actually doing a huge amount to help you read that information that the show is giving you by interpreting and discussing it) and behave negatively then I and others cannot help you because you've already chosen negativity and doom and gloom. I fully expect to have my inbox flooded with negativity, poor takes and dissatisfaction (and probably a fair amount of nastiness as well) after the episode tonight simply because the show had the audacity to have Eddie interact with someone who isn't Buck and is female - they will all be blocked and deleted - I'm over trying to explain to people who clearly don't actually read and think about all the things myself and so many others put out and I don't have the time to deal with it - I just want to enjoy my weewoo show and have fun with people on tumblr as we actually look at what we've been given in canon for all our firefam. So if you want to keep seeing what I post and my costume metas my advice is think before you type and press send on a message coming towards my inbox. I'm all for open discussion and I have lots of conversations with people who see things differently to me - but we are able to do it in a grown up and mature way, I don't pop into their inboxes and spew nastiness and hateful rhetoric.

This wasn't specifically aimed at you 5 nonnies I'm just using the opportunity to make people aware of how they will be treated if they try anything!

This got so very long 😳😳😳 soI'm ending here and I hope it all makes sense!

[quiveringdeer]

Okay, but hear me out. You're trying to compliment Reiner seriously, but he ends up saying, "Flattery will get you nowhere." in a scolding tone, thinking you're just saying things and being insincere in order to get on his good side. So you furrow your brows and begin to literally lecture him about what a great guy he is despite what he believes. And him not being able to take all those compliments, because no one has ever really been so observant or attentive to him in that way; so he does whatever he can, uses whatever means to shut you up because he can't take it. Feels like his chest would explode, thinking what he did to deserve this; deserve you.

I'm taking this as a personal fuckin attack Nonnie 😤 How dare you get me tearing up this damn early over by babiest of baby boys! 🥺

My determination and devotion to a cause has never been higher than my desire for the opportunity to help Reiner see how truly amazing and wonderful he is.

As much as I love Porco, I hate his comment about how all of the way Reiner acted on Paradis was him copying and manifesting Marcel. Like, he was inspired by Marcel yes, and maybe it started out with even Reiner just acting, but even outside of the implications of him developing DID it was Reiner reacting to people he came to care for. I think the being an extroverted leader is the big thing he took from Marcel. But all the things that made him a good leader, trusted companion and reliable friend were traits that Reiner already had.

Ugh, I just want to wrap him up in a bubble and tell the world to fuckoff and leave my mans alone! Hasn't he given enough! Let him have some vestiges of self esteem and self love damn it! 😭

But for real though, being Reiner's partner would involve patience and lots of energy and care to reassure him often of your --not just love, but even just liking him as a person.

And depending on the point in his life where you two become partners -canonverse or modern au- I think Reiner can objectively see and acknowledge that he's attractive by general societal standards, but his whole self-loathing and lack of self-esteem comes from him thinking he's a shitty person on the inside. Hella imposter syndrome (same baby boy). Probably thinks that he's some how manipulated you into thinking he's a decent person or something. Because how could he be when his dad wants nothing to do with him/reiner thinks himself being born is why his dad left his mom but really his dad is a deadbeat asshole 😒/ and also he thinks that his mom is never really proud of him cause she's never said as much, and has been a single mom dealing with her own heartache and self issues. Not an excuse but it is what it is. And he's constantly trying to "win/earn" her affection--of which he desires words and actions that prove that. But barely gets the later. And yes he has his friends. Mainly Bertholdt and Pieck--I'd say poooossibly Marcel but maybe moreso acquaintances? Like Marcel is valedictorian and captain of all the sports teams they both play on, and Reiner is always falling short behind him? Maybe even a few places behind? I dunno.

But anywho, obviously he's somehow manipulated you into thinking he's worth your time. And he's definitely a self sabotager in that regard. :/ Now I'm really curious about exploring how you'd actually finally get to be dating my interpretation of Reiner. I think it'd definitely have to be a good friends first situation. And you asking him out. So if you want this sad lovable Teddy Graham you're gonna have to make the moves first.

I think maybe he might end up in some random hookup situations outside this relationship. So maybe it's a repeat booty call catching feelings type deal? Like if he's at a party and someone comes onto him and they're flirting and they wanna hook up, he's not gonna turn it down. Especially with how much this man craves physical connection. Like the sex is great for sure, but he really is just wanting someone to hold on to and they hold him back. If that's while he's pounding them into the mattress or wall, then woop!

Wow this got rambly. I have so many feelings about this man 😩😩😩

[nysocboy]

Gemstone Episode 1.9 Review: Jesse is racist, Judy is a rapist, and Kelvin is the Devil

Episode 1.8 ended with all of the Gemstone siblings and their partners broken up, plus Gideon cast out from the family.  It's going to take a lot of work to make things right again.  

Chicken bone voodoo:  After a flashback to Aimee-Leigh's death (and a bee that will re-appear later in the episode),we cut to Eli finding about about the blackmail, Jesse's assault of Rev. Seasons, and Judy's embezzlement. Kelvin stood by and let them do things that he knew was wrong, so he's just as guilty. Eli angrily fires them all. 

Later, Amber tells Jesse that if he wants to reconcile, he'll have to go to Haiti, where Gideon is doing missionary work, and bring him back. Their conversation is surprisingly racist, referencing chicken bone voodoo, AIDS, and cannibalism. (Left: Port au Prince)

Judy's frst boyfriend: Judy meets with BJ "at a neutral location," the Outback Steakhouse, to give back the stuff he left. She admits that she hasn't really "gobbled 1,000 cocks"; it was a lie to impress him.  She continues with a monologue about her only previous boyfriend, actually her economics professor in college: she misinterpreted his casual conversation,  sexually assaulted him in his office, then kidnapped his son. BJ is mostly shocked that she never had vaginal sex before, so he "took her virginity."  Do you think Keefe took Kelvin's virginity on the night of the Club Sinister rescue?

Jesus never dated much: Sibling movie night at Kelvin's house ((notice the K and the arcade game behind their couch).  They're watching The Neverending Story., at the scene where Artax  horse/companion of the hero Atreyu, is literally consumed by his sadness, sinking into the Swamp of Sadness to his death.  Atreyu yells: "Fight against the sadness. You have to try. You have to care. You're my friend.  I love you."  Suddenly Kelvin bursts into tears

In the movie, the Childlike Empress is sick, thus allowing the Darkness (hopelessmess, despair) to slowly devour the Kingdom of Fantasia.  Young hero Atreyu is looking for a cure to save Fantasia, but he is unable to save his horse/friend Artax.  Maybe Kelvin is thinking of how he couldn't save Keefe from the Nothing.

But for now, Kelvin is lost in his own Sadness: "My emotions are all over the place. I feel like I'm coming unhinged." The siblings ignore him, so he repeats: I'm in emotional turmoil, dealing with some very painful questions about myself."  

"For real?"  Jesse immediately becomes serious.  Remember, he thinks that Kelvin is gay, but in denial.  Is he ready to come out?

Nope.  "I've always felt like, maybe, I'm Him."  He's always felt like he is Jesus? Say what?  Dude, that's full-blown psychosis.

Actually, many cult leaders claim to be Jesus.  Wikipedia lists 40 in the 20th and 21st centuries alone, including Jim Jones, Marshall Applewhite, Charles Manson, Shoko Asahara, David Koresh.  It doesn't usually end well.

Kevin's reasons: we both care about people; people like us, and want to follow us. Plus: "He didn't date much, didn't have the urge or the need to.  That's me for days."

Fans sometimes use this line to argue that Kelvin is asexual/aromantic, not experiencing desire for anyone, but in a heteronormative society, surely he means "urge or need to date women."  

Jesse, aware of another reason for Kelvin's lack of interest in women, assure him that he's not Jesus, but "that doesn't mean you're not a decent man."  Notice that he uses the term "man," signifying that Kelvin is grown-up, an adult, regardless of his sexual identity.

But Kelvin doesn't buy it.  Another voice is telling him, "If you can't be him, maybe you can be me...Satan."  We know from the Satanic Sweep and the Club Sinister rescue that, in Kelvin's eyes, Satan is all about sex, or sex is all about Satan.  The only way he can explain his homoerotic desire, and maybe his homoerotic intimacy, is by fashioning himself "the Dark Lord of the family."  After all of this, how did fans continue to argue that Kelvin was straight?

He's very tired -- he hasn't been sleeping well lately. Because he usually shares his bed with Keefe?  And he misses Mama, who used to tell him that everything's gonna be ok.  She's gone, so Jesse and Judy step up: "Everything's gonna be ok.  You'll get it figured out."  It's not hard to figure out, Dude.  Lots of people are gay.

The illustrated version, with nude photos, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

[paintedscales]

Get to Know Me

Tag (9) people you'd like to know better!

Last song: For the Moment by Pastelle & Reflekshun -- had it on repeat while doing a Gpose challenge over at @primamchorus, or at least thinking of who of my characters I can apply it to. Haven't had much luck, so I might... end up skipping it to something else.

Currently reading: Mostly just fanfiction as of late. I have some books that I could get into, and probably should. I bought them two or three years ago with the resolution that I should read more books (I read two whole books and four different manga series that year. :') )

Currently watching: I actually picked The Walking Dead main television series back up and decided to watch that through to completion this past week. I will say that I found the finale impressive from an acting and directing standpoint (I say it vaguely so as not to spoil the finale for anyone that hasn't watched it and wants to; though I did enjoy the final season overall quite a bit actually). And, uh... I'm going down that rabbit hole, and watched Tales of the Walking Dead (two strange episodes in there I can't really wrap my head around), and Dead City. I tried to get into Fear the Walking Dead, but where I have it available, it starts from season five, and I left off at the start of season two, so... unfortunate. I'm tentatively looking forward to Rick & Michonne, and Daryl Dixon. (Now I'm just wondering why Dead City wasn't just named "Maggie Still Hates Negan")

Current obsession: //show left at this blog// I love my Cinnamon Ship. It is rotting my brain. I am obsessed with seeing Nomin and Estinien together and being happy. It has gotten me to draw more than I have in the last three years again. Literally a spark of joy that heals my depression for me.

Tagged by: @ainyan

Tagging: Uh... uh... @janzoo, @theworldwalkerswols, @irisopranta, @floweramongstthecold, @miqomischief, @humblemooncat, and... and anyone who else wants to do it. ; w ;

I know some of you have been tagged by multiple people but tag, you're it!

(I tried tagging people I didn't see tagged before--)

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

I go into my winter hibernation, stocked up for 6-8 months. As usual.

I drop off tumblr because mentions of some virus happening again get too triggering. I didn't consciously make the decision to log off, it just happened.

This is going to sound made up but hear me out.

I spend my winter hearing weird noises but relieved when my neighbours stop blowing shit up at night over my window and stop running the water on me. Stop making smoke and smells that come down through my ceiling. I think they moved out. I saw trucks and bags and boxes.

I do not immediately notice when the garbage and recycling stop coming by because I only put out a small bag and it's probably dragged off by animals by the next week. The recycling schedule being this fucked seems a bit odd, but it seems to be happening to everyone.

It's weird how many wild dogs and such are happening by my camera, but it's happened before. It isn't totally new and this winter is kind of harsh.

I text my neighbour who likes to check on me but they don't reply.

I come out in spring.

Where are all the people at.

There's environmental story telling all over with some bodies. They seem to congregate where I know snow banks build up in winter. Interesting. Unsettling.

There are bite marks on the bodies.

They all look human.

The bite marks do.

I keep expecting somehow, to see zombies -as if that's not insane- but everyone who's still out is quite too rotted to move and has been thawed long enough to no longer be contagious.

Grocery store is abandoned.

Walmart is too but I go through their hunting section for unexpected supplies.

I take a new batch of supplies home without paying. Fuck it.

I log back online. I message my online friends. It's normal for me to vanish for a month or more at a time, but they were worried this time even knowing me. They are relieved I am not dead. again.

Apparently, there was a zombie apocalypse?

I make sure I have appropriate armour in addition to the weapons in case there's a pocket of surviving zombies anywhere but the experts say that the virus has pretty much burned itself out and there hasn't been new infected in at least two months.

I still install a metal grate on the inside of my windows.

I am still getting my cheques because they are automatic.

I can't reach my landlord at all so I stop paying rent.

I try to get in contact with other survivors and start making plans for how to deal with bodies and etc once enough time has passed that it's 100% safe, but what's left of the CDC is already putting together teams to recover bodies and remove them, and the only reason why some were left here was on account of the snow. I never got very far anyway, because no one I tried to reach out to offline answered me.

I still haven't heard from my family. Not since I ignored the first text. But in my defense, all the text said was "so are you alive?" which is also what my mother last texted me a week or two after I had asked her to check on me daily while I was suffering repeated heart attacks, and what my sister usually texts me to act passive aggressive about the fact that we haven't spoken in a few years because she stopped answering me after some episode of verbal abuse... So yeah, I ignored the text and when I didn't get a text on my birthday I didn't think too much of it. It seems like more passive aggressive bullshit and didn't bother saying anything useful like "hey so there are zombies now and everyone is dying and I know we agreed not to speak but are you okay?"... I check and see it's my sister who sent it, I reply now but I have no idea if there will ever be an answer.

At least tumblr has a fairly complete record of events.

Apparently, not only were there zombies, but it was caused by a new covid variant and people were as stupid about it as usual, and only started caring when people were literally turning into the walking dead... A full month or two after initial infection. So by the time there were actual zombies, most of the people who were going to be infected had already all carelessly infected each other. Not to mention the month and a half or so wasted on everyone trying to pretend the 'zombie' illness was unrelated to covid. Something about viral encephalitis causing symptoms similar to rabies and prion disease. Everyone having contact with anyone pretty much got it within the two or three months before they knew what it would cause and how untreatable it is. There were three entire people who hadn't died yet after coming down with symptoms now in special care units being filled with antivirals and whatever else. A very small handful of people who got vaccinated often enough for enough variants seemed to be immune, or resistant to small exposures. Less than one in 100 000. No word yet on if they were asymptomatic carriers now like the viruses history would seem to suggest but they've been recommended to self isolate.

The world's population was decimated within the first two or three months, again when the first zombies unexpectedly started biting and attacking people, and again when people refused to go into lockdown and kept taking stupid risks. Before the first run of one of these viruses I wouldn't have expected so many people to be this stupid, but after living in corona land for the first 5 years? Unsurprised. When I read surviving groups were convincing themselves the zombies were a government conspiracy to force vaccination? Unsurprised. When I read people took up the attitude that having previous infections would obviously make them immune? When they started trying to argue children couldn't get it, couldn't spread it? Unsurprised. When people started making the argument that the weak should perish as zombies and everyone left could rebuild? Un-fucking-surprised. Reading none of this is remotely surprising.

Really didn't work out for them this time.

I wonder how many of them wished they bothered wearing masks or putting a pause on their attempts to hook up.

I also wasn't surprised to read how many people had tried to re-congregate and rebuild a "new normal" as quickly as possible, despite being advised not to, who ended up causing new outbreaks in these little emerging communities. Anyone who's left by now has learned to stay spread out.

I didn't know anyone here anyway, save for my nosy neighbour, and apparently they'd left town. They eventually answered to say they were with someone a province away. They hadn't realized why I was asking about the garbage... That I didn't know.

How could I not know?

Me especially.

Like yes. I smelled the death, but I assumed a neighbour might have passed away, texted my landlord about it and tried to contact the police, it wasn't my place to risk my life busting into someone else's apartment to check on the smell.

And yeah I heard the noise, but like... Have you heard how rowdy people get under normal circumstances in this neighbourhood? How loudly people yell strange things at night and how often there are sirens? I just figured it was none of my business. Shots and explosions right outside my window? My upstairs neighbours have me used to that, especially late at night and in the weird hours of the morning.

The world ate itself while I spent the winter playing games, sewing, cleaning my apartment and eating olives and tuna directly from the can.

I research all the animals that were able to get other covid variants and what's happening with them. Seems like a similar story to what happened with humans, the members that got infected did, and if there were isolated populations left there was no one left alive -or almost alive- to spread it to them.

I think the people that are left will take studying this virus and vaccination against it seriously. I think we'll social distance okay and wear masks. I think we'll wipe out the virus this time for good, whatever is left of us. Whatever is left of it.

I'll have to start growing my own food again. Rationing what frozen meat I can gather up until I can set up to do some fishing and trapping. I might even hot-wire a camper or something and -able, or licensed to, drive or not- get myself set up someplace other than my apartment, some place with more room to grow food. Further into the forest.

The local radio stations are dead. The radio stations from nearby larger areas are all just giving weather updates, emergency warnings, government updates and playing whatever the hell they wanted. I should have checked the radio months ago. I didn't know and no one told me.

I go out of my way to get a ham radio -there's lots of abandoned tech around, new in the package- and start putting out a broadcast to the local area with my number to call in to so I can look for other survivors in the area. I start looking into how to maintain enough internet access to keep connected. Thankfully cell services still work and so does cellular internet.

When I am sure it's safe I figure out how to drive and start cautiously canvassing the area for any hens or livestock that have been left unattended. It doesn't really matter if I am a shit driver or half blind. I can go slow, and who am I going to hit?

I find out the new housing policy when my housing specific benefit gets cut 3 years early. If you find a house marked as unclaimed and file for it. You get it. There aren't enough people left for there to be market competition. They didn't want to encourage anyone to fight over property, if there's enough people left for that, by having no official process, but really who's going to deny someone a home now. There's hardly anyone left to go through and make sure the gas and water in each property are maintained enough to not cause system wide failures.

I would apply to periodically monitor houses in the area, and they might call me up if they run out of personnel, but I was disabled enough not to work before all of the pandemics. Instead I track down a house half way off into the woods with no gas line and a wood stove, access to a well. Internet. For now. I start looking into sourcing more serious solar power, but for now I grab up every solar garden light I can find. I don't think I can rely on their being infrastructure or local shops anymore. Not this far out. It's going to be delivery from big shipping services, or self-sufficiency.

I do register with the closest health center as a patient, in place of people having family doctors in an area this dispersed, but I don't suspect they'll be more helpful to me now than they were before. I finally concede to paying for a bank account that has a proper line of credit attached to be accepted online, and there are finally cellular internet prices that makes sense in Canada.

The time comes that I could join other people, but I don't. It wasn't safe for me before and I hardly trust it after the literal zombies. I was fine in my apartment and I'll be fine in my house.

I guess the 5-10 year plan and all the saving up really didn't impact anything?

At least I can walk down the street and to the store safely without even really -needing- the mask, anymore. There's no one left here to spread it. I still keep the mask on, and there's nothing left at the store anyway.

When the zombie apocalypse came, you were prepared. What you weren’t prepared for was how quickly it ended.

[missused]

Dear self yesterday ended yay. It begins with my youngest getting upset cuz she was given a outside chore after her over hearing husband being spiteful with me and the trash she thought she didn't have to do any chores, I went and spoke with my husband as he said he would back me up right? Fml it turned into a huge thing because I came in irritated with the kid. He said I was yelling at him I wasn't yelling at him (he calls it when I speak fast and excited about a situation yelling I can be happy and I am yelling he used to call it something else he has evolved) as soon as he starts in on my tone I change it, I stop and change it and explained the situation. No he doesn't get up immediately he says he has to think on the best way to approach the situation later he tells me he is trying to evolve and doesn't want to go into something hot and heavy.... He's never gone into the girls room like that, only our boys, the girls are spoiled. I didn't expect him to go in yelling he never does with the girl. He makes a big deal tho about how he has changed and doesn't want to do that and says our kid saw us divided and it was my fault. I stopped him and told him, you told me I could come to you if I have a issue, now I have a issue with the kid and instead of solving it you are more concerned about how I speak to you when I get irritated about a situation and you are telling me I can't display I am irritated with something? If I can't show you my feelings who can I show my feelings too? Cuz I want that person. After our talk he spoke with our kid and took blame for starting the argument with me that morning. I did our lawn with our kids. Later the youngest gets upset with me cuz of the truck, fml. I have to work on it with her and she thought I was taking her project like no my husband is hurt and can't lift anything I actually have to help I don't have a choice I don't want to help I didn't say that part I want to it's a adjustment for all of us. The day gets better for husband as expected he wanted me to sit in the room with him while he spoke to his friends. I was bored while he spoke to them I scrolled through Pinterest cuz I can't go on YouTube or TikTok cuz that would be rude... I am "listening". No one said anything to me that was rude in anyway, husband tried so hard to get me to play a game which I told him I didn't want a few times he didn't listen and got off the phone with his friends I just wanted to watch TV tonight which I did I watched Queen Charlotte not horrible so far.

This morning started ok, until he asks what I am doing today. I repeat myself once, (I was thinking) and he's like you keep repeating yourself. Ok this is a ongoing issue, apparently I have a problem with always repeating my sentences, he leaves the room cuz I state dude I just woke up let me think so he says he'll leave the room so I can do that he comes back and starts talking to me and he repeats his sentence, he says it's to make sure he got it out right, so I stopped the conversation and say you know what I made a choice from now on when I repeat my sentences and you say something about it I won't speak anymore obviously you are not interested in the conversation we are having and I don't want to make you continue it. He was not happy about this saying things like how this made no sense and how I am not helping while I couldn't help but notice he literally just did just that to me earlier when I repeated my sentence! He left to give me time to think he said, however we didn't restart my conversation we started a new conversation he wanted to talk about. So my solution was his solution he hasn't noticed it was his solution and he is not happy with me so far.

[heffrondriving]

just the absolute clusterfuck MESS that is my 2021 spotify wrapped,, call me architects bc holy hell i need a hot moment

[imeternallylove]

My girl and papa bear - S.Strange

Stephen Strange x Reader

genre: mid angst, end with fluff

words: 1.7k

gif belongs to me

ao3

Everything happened on some Friday, in her own kitchen, at her own house. Y/N was unsure since it had been too long.

Y/N has candles, a bottle of wine, and a prepared talk. She'll be waiting in the living room when Stephen gets home from work that evening. He appears to be cognizant of what is about to happen and attempts to pretend that this was not. He speaks to her as if nothing is wrong and complements her on the dinner she prepared, all while avoiding asking what this occasion is.

Y/N, again. She assures herself that Strange is just being Strange and that everything will be OK once she takes everything out into the open. She'd begun to tell him when they have done eating, but he has already started to wash the plates.

Truly. She had never imagined the doctor being that tense. Stephen is not nervous, he's just being Stephen Vincent Strange. A man who is unshakeable, unflappable, and unintimidated. He's never caught off guard. And then the battle starts bickering over the issue in her ears. One claims he really doesn't know what's going on and doesn't want to presume something that isn't true. But the careful one claims that he is constantly aware of what is going on.

She approaches the kitchen, where Stephen is drying the last of the dishes.

"I love you," Y/N says securely.

There is nowhere Stephen can go, and he can't pretend that Y/N hasn't just stated something really important. "I-" He's hoping that Y/N's chatty personality will kick in and she'll start rambling, giving him time to ponder.

She remains silent, her gaze fixed on his, refusing to back away.

"I love you too, but…" He can't really say it. Y/N is the nicest thing that has ever happened to him, and he knows he's flirted, but what? Y/N flirts with everyone. He never expected she'd take him literally.

Y/N doesn't let him finish his sentence. He notices a flicker of pain in her eyes, which she swiftly covers up with a perfectly blank smile.

He has hurt her.

Stephen blames himself inside and wishes he could go to her and fix the pain he's caused, but he's just forfeited that privilege. The neurosurgeon knows he could never touch her again. No more hugs or kisses on the cheek. Most likely, he's recently lost his job as the siren coffee delivery guy every morning for her.

She'll be calm, professional, and in any other worst-case situation conceivable after the OR, ER, office, or elsewhere she undoubtedly met him.

Y/N doesn't really remind him that it is his loss or that he will regret his decision. As Stephen eventually takes up his jacket and heads to the door she usually leaves unlocked for him, she said nothing.

A million possible zingers ran through his mind, but all he could do was disregard them all, walking out of her house with the ruinous pride she had left in him.

She should have expected it to come to this.

Strange has been waiting for her car for an hour, trying to talk with her. Y/N sighs heavily but accepts to let him follow her home.

His explanation begins with how important her friendship is to him and how the last few months without her have changed him into the kind of sorrowful, wretched mess that none of his unstable could have imagined in their wildest dreams.

If that feeling of he could be insanity to watching you ignore him all the time isn't loving, Stephen doesn't know what is.

He clearly shows her he loves her and then repeats it once more for good measure. He repeats himself because she doesn't respond.

"Y/N, I-"

"I gave you everything I had," Y/N says flatly. "And when you said no, your reaction told me no. So now I'm saying no." She walks into her bedroom and shuts the door without waiting for him to respond.

It paid back a ton of how he was cruel to her.

Y/N can't bear the thought of throwing away that annoying face.

Strange actually bought a cinnamon roll with coffee the following day, only to find Y/N after ER a few hours later, although it was late.

He waited patiently by her car one night before she can express her boredom as she should.

"I'm an idiot," he admits to Y/N. His dreams about her had always been of them sitting and talking, and he assumed it was friendship, but underneath it, all was the kind of love that forever relationships are built on.

"I love you, Y/N."

And that if she changes her mind, his heart is entirely hers.

She lays down in her driver’s seat, not sure why the tiny roll could satisfy her hunger without the dinner she had planned.

However all the way home. Her long-gone shy smile, the florid arose, fastening it on hers as she chewed the idiot doctor's cinnamon roll.

It's probably a few months after his confession by her car that night. Y/N's eyes glitter at a level he hasn't seen in over a year, and when she sends him her results after his surgeries, all she asks is where her coffee is.

After ten minutes, Stephen remains in his scrubs, pushes the plastic cup into her palm, and she grins slightly in response.

Now, the next time he needs the improved result of her charm, he gets coffee ready, and she offers him a report. It's not the dramatic performance he used to enjoy, but it's better than the intensity of her face he's been receiving for the last year.

She was unaware of his family's traumatic experience in his life.

"Here's my family," Stephen says with a sigh as she discerns visually the three names on the gravestones. "Beverly, Eugene, and Donna are all gone." He's speechless as he moves his hand to the grave with his flower bouquet. "They're just…"

Her eyes welled up with tears right away. "It's okay," Y/N murmured, grabbing his free hand without any hesitation. To her amazement, he presses his palm against hers and silently leans his head to the headstone.

Stephen bends down, holding her secure hand, and drops the flowers on the large grave's white frigid cement.

Y/N calmly removes her hand and steps away from him a bit to slide her hand onto his middle, to keep him in her embrace.

It was his childhood sorrow, but as her delicate touch strokes his back right now, or shedding his watery weakness away, Strange believes it really has lightened his soul to have Y/N by his side.

It takes time, little by little. But by the time Christmas rolls around, it melts their heart and takes their breath away.

Y/N gives him a new watch, and he sends her a shiny gold necklace. She spends her weekends away at her parents' house, and when she returns, they spend a whole weekend snuggled together, talking, and catching up on practically everything they missed.

"So… what are your wishes for next year?" Y/N's softened tone burst and contrast the peace in a half minute as the new year approached.

Strange's fingers ran up the corners of her cheek, his eyes down as shiny as hers. Stayed in that close proximity, his nose brushing her, his warm breath powerful enough to knock her knee down, and his baritone voice worthy of melting her world. "To get you to fall for me once more, yours?"

He studies her face, and the moment she responds one bit, he brings her closely, until could seal their lips together. It begins with a tentative clinging and gradually presses the gravity of the love affair. He kisses her as if he'll die if he stops.

"So glad you achieved your wishes by now."

Unfortunately, he couldn't hear her voice since there was a countdown and fireworks began exploding in the heavenly sphere, all of which changed the background noise on the hospital rooftop, drowning out the most beautiful voice that he craved from her.

January carries a slew of horrible press inside the hospital, causing the brain to send a Y/N trigger and shift to Stephen. He stayed with her and securely placed an arm around her when the patient's case was too much for her to bear.

For Valentine's Day, Y/N tends her tradition of delivering out valentines complete with a Hershey's Kiss to everybody who walks through her door, including him.

"I'd prefer a real one, you know. But this will work just fine." He asserts it with one of his trademark winks. It's their first publicly flirtatious remark since Y/N's declaration.

"Well," she stands on her tiptoes and plants a brief pecking kiss on his cheek, thought out many people around the hallway.

Her lips lightly press his cheek, so fast that he couldn't capture his guard by your sweetest strike, Strange's eyes blinking repeatedly, unsure if he's just hallucinating.

"There you have it. Where has my mermaid coffee?"

"Your office with lunch, and yeah. What’s bout my surcharge?" His head tilts teasingly, eyes squint. While her chuckles and eyes vary rapidly in brightness.

"All right, I'll refund."

"Sorry, not the money." And with that, he returned her kisses slowly and carefully on her lips.

Y/N wishes that as she turns over with her clipboard and crossed arms across her chest, she leaves him with a broad smile like a nutcase as he follows her stride. She wishes, that he will eventually realize that his wish has come true, already.

After a half-year, Stephen began calling her "my girl," while Y/N refers to him as "papa bear."

When Strange's penthouse is being renovated to welcome Y/N's arrival, they sleep together. Yes, he begs her to move in with him, and Y/N does not refuse his pleas.

Just sleep, despite the fact that the other meaning of the phrase had come later. They spend some quality short time and talk about whatever comes to mind.

Her papa bear kept saying "I love you," as if he was trying to make up for what he's been missed. Everything their sharing, it's like everything that should have been before, and it was one of the things Strange despised for not admitting to his heart sooner.

The world fades away behind them while they lay intertwined in her bed until everything that lingers is Stephen Strange and Y/N Y/L/N.

[peppermintquartz]

Tommy feels like he should be annoyed, but frankly he's just amused and kinda charmed, almost, that the young guy who climbed into the crowded bus not only manages to fall asleep despite the raucous chatter of two old women three seats up, but also the fact that he's fallen asleep on Tommy's shoulder.

At least there isn't drool.

The guy is adorable, too, tall and leggy with light brown? auburn? hair, thumbprint-sized birthmarks over his left eye and eyebrow, and eyes nearly as blue as the jewel blue hoodie he wore. The guy ducked his head and smiled at Tommy when he sat down, though his blue eyes were red-rimmed with fatigue and his movements a little clumsy as he settled in.

And in five minutes he was out like a light.

The thing is.

The thing is, Tommy's about four stops away from where he alights, and Adorable Stranger is still napping away with his head on Tommy's left shoulder.

Tommy shrugs that shoulder, thinking that maybe that will wake the dude.

Adorable Stranger only makes a snuffling sound before leaning even harder on Tommy.

Biting his upper lip to keep from an unseemly chortle, Tommy tries murmuring, "Hey, man, you know when you're supposed to alight?"

"Mmyep."

That is a promising sign, but out of the blue, the guy literally turns and buries his face into the shoulder of Tommy's jacket.

Tommy's heart jumps into his throat, and he can't help the goofy smile that materializes on his face. With a sigh, he resigns himself to missing his stop.

It's fine. He likes the company he's keeping right now.

--

Buck blinks. Then he jerks upright.

"Oh shit," he blurts, feeling heat erupt over his cheeks. He's been sleeping on someone's shoulder, and there's a tiny imprint of Buck's drool on the fabric. "Dude, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," says the very handsome man who has been acting as Buck's pillow. His sea-blue eyes are framed by crow's feet as he smiles, and Buck feels his pulse skip. "I figured you needed a nap, given how hard it was to wake you."

"I'm sorry," Buck repeats, and presses the bell. He's past his stop - this is three stops away from his place - and he hopes the other guy hasn't missed his stop. At least he doesn't look irritated or angry, and the lines that bracket his lips when he smiles add an air off mystique and old-world charm. And wow. Cleft. Cheekbones that can cut marble, a square jaw and a cleft.

Buck mentally shakes himself for staring. He grabs his belongings and heads for the door. Once the bus stops, he hustles out of the vehicle.

The older guy he used as a pillow alights too.

Buck blinks in surprise. "Uh, so you get off here?"

"Oh, no. I'm about five stops past my actual stop," says the Handsome Dude with the Cleft and the Cheekbones. HDCC. "I was waiting to see when you'd wake up. You stay around here then?"

"Nope. Three stops back."

HDCC grins, the top of his nose scrunching up in a cute way, and Buck thinks, I want to make him smile just like that.

That's a thought Buck has never really had about a guy he just met.

"Well, I suppose we should cross the road and take the bus going the other way." He extends a hand, and then thinks it looks silly, but it will be rude to withdraw his hand. He swallows and introduces himself. "Evan Buckley. I don't usually fall asleep on people. On buses. I mean, because, uh, I-I usually drive my Jeep. It was my sister's Jeep but she gave it to me, a-and it's kinda old, so it's in the shop, which is why I took the, um, the bus."

The amusement in HDCC's face is impossible to hide. HDCC takes Buck's hand - and wow, big hand - and shakes it firmly, pumping it once, twice, sold to the handsome gentleman in the khaki colored jacket!

"Thomas Kinard. Call me Tommy." He crinkles a big smile at Buck. "I'm gonna call an Uber. The bus isn't all that reliable at this hour, and my cats are probably staging a mutiny if I don't get home soon."

"Oh, sorry. And thanks for, you know, letting me sleep. And sorry about. Um. The cats."

Tommy winks. "We're all good, Evan. I definitely didn't mind."

"Maybe we'll see each other again?" Buck isn't sure why he sounds hopeful, but he does, and he certainly doesn't dislike the way Evan sounds coming from Tommy, even if he has the perfect way to introduce his own nickname.

"Maybe." Tommy takes a couple of steps back to answer his phone, nodding at Buck, still smiling. "I'm up for being your pillow anytime, Evan."

Buck thinks he himself is not that bad a flirt, but hearing Tommy say those words makes Buck's knees go a little weak. He gulps and waves, darting across the road and hoping that his face isn't too red from thinking about Tommy's parting message.

au meetcute: exhausted buck falls asleep on a stranger's shoulder on public transport and that stranger is tommy who either can't bear to wake this adorable man or tried and failed and so puts up with it and by the time he wakes up tommy is actually kinda smitten

[churchyardvampire]

there's an awful lot of people on this site who were never xtian and (rightfully) fucking hate evangelical and fundamentalist xtians for, yknow, everything they do. they understand these groups as authoritarian, abusive, and often literal cults that hold massive control over the US and thus much of global politics as well.

but for some fucking reason they're all convinced that ex xtian atheist teens and twenty-somethings who escaped those groups are like, somehow bad for ever falling for this. that like, we should've somehow just left our families as infants? that were now somehow tainted because the people who raised us are part of a bigoted cult and also are personally responsible for every douchey redditer or Actually Powerful Atheist, regardless of anything else.

the only explanation I have at this point is that the experience of leaving evangelical/fundamentalist xtian groups is beyond their understanding. religion is a fundamental aspect of culture, especially when that religion is both marginalized and connected to an oppressed race.

for most people (yes, even white evangelical xtians.), leaving your entire culture and faith is unimaginable. to grow up, connect with people, learn your family's history and customs... and then smash it all on the ground and denounce it as a bigoted cult? leave every single piece of it behind? tell your mother and father that, at best, you see them as unintentionally repeating the cycle of abuse, and at worse intentionally using religion to harm others?

it's easier to believe that well, we must still believe parts of it right? and you must still agree with certain aspects of it, right? and of course, there's enough atheists who do leave xtianity without leaving conservatism to use as fuel for the fire. all you really need is richard dawkins being a completely serious eugenicist to show that it happens.

the thing is though, after a decade of officially cutting of my relationship to xtianity and around two years of being an Official Atheist, I'm more than willing to admit I'm still deconstructing things. Xtianity hurt me in ways those not raised in evangelical churches can't imagine. And that's the whole damn thing- I don't want to hear from someone who hasn't suffered religious and/or cult trauma what it's actually like, or what I'm actually dealing with.

[limetameta]

Ok but since its MC canon that kimblee returned the ph stone and then THREATENED THE SHIT out of his commanding officers I finally thought more about it

And have come to the conclusion that this happened around the same time as Roy and Riza did some unsafe fire play wink wink nudge nudge

So. Get this.

Kimblee's in the medical tent. Dr Marcoh is nowhere to be found. Dr Knox is the only one on duty. It's the end of the war they tell him, you won't have anymore medical interventions that need pain killers and anaesthetics. Just knock Kimblee out with some drugs because he's dangerous rn.

What if someone comes in that needs my medical resources more? If you want to knock kimblee out just do it mechanically.

Brain damage, they cite as the reason they can't can't that. Looking a bit oddly at the resident doctor.

It'll do him some good, Dr Knox replies.

But OK. He drugs Kimblee. Who's in those famous shackles that keep his arrays away. He's kinda like an angry chihuahua. But Dr knox isn't deterred.

Now Dr knox has no drugs left. These were his last resources. But get this. It's literally one day before they all go back home. Who the FUCK is going to get injured or maimed NOW? WHAT KIND OF DUMBASS DO YOU HAVE TO BE-

Enter Riza Hawkeye. And Roy Mustang. Who looks more ill than she does and she has burns on her back.

Dr Knox figures it out. They say some stupid shit like Heater explosion. Gas leak? One of those war type thingies that could go boom. Insert half assed explanation here. But Dr knox?? He wasn't born FUCKING YESTERDAY. HE recognises a sex thing when he sees one. And the way Mustang is utterly mortified and horrified with his actions definitely means he was involved.

(this kids is what we like to call dramatic irony at its finest moment, poor roy's never even seen riza's titties let alone had the magnificent pleasure of her company in bed)

Can you give her some drugs please, Mustang is pleading. Riza is delirious with pain. She's one more wince away from falling unconscious from the pain, actually.

Kimblee is so out of it that he hasn't even noticed they're there. Dr Knox just points at him and says that he used his last drugs to knock him out.

Mustang is so done at that point. He tries to needle Dr knox to give Riza some under the table stuff you know wink wink something he hid for himself.

Is that Roy Mustang??? Kimblee is like :D Roy Mustang, I know your voice!! My civil rights are being breached!! Roy Mustang!

Roy just sighs. Riza is in pain. This nutcase is drugged out of his right mind. Yeah Kimblee?

And then this following scene remains in his memory forever. Kimblee is trying and failing to sit up. He gives up on that. Then tries to swing his feet out of the bed but doesn't realise he's been tied to the bed so it's a struggle. It's like a beached whale trying to get back in the water. It's not working. Roy pities him. He goes over to him. Yeah Kimblee? He repeats.

Kimblee just winks at him ;)

It's not even a flirtatious wink. Kimblee's trying to make it flirtatious, that's obvious. But it more comes across as something getting in his eye. Or a spasmic twitch that he can't control because he winks multiple times and switches an eye. Then closes one. Then closes both. Mustang's just staring. He's speechless.

And then Kimblee begins giggling. It's not like a cackle or a loud laugh. It's when you want to start telling a joke but can't because u find it too funny to properly start.

So he manages to wheeze out ;) Hey good looking *insert pause for laughter and wheezes and some kicks because he's still trying and failing to get free* What's - *voiceless laugh* what's coo - what's

Roy Mustang is just horrified, standing there over this mess of a man, thinking about Riza and how he shouldn't have tried dissuading her so much from going through with this because if they'd done it earlier she might have been able to get some drugs

Hey good looking, what's cooking? - Kimblee ;))

Nothing, Kimblee, just get some rest man. - Roy :/ Mustang

Dr Knox is like trying to guerrilla salvage the situation with Riza. Kimblee is DESPERATELY trying to get Mustang's attention. Mustang's absolutely devastated with himself and how now due to his actions Riza is in unbearable agony. Commanding officers are dragging Mustang away to interrogate him about this situation because it's SUSPICIOUS.

(WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR HUMAN WEAPONS???? HAVE THEY ALL BECOME LOOSE CANONS???

Perhaps it's because we've dehumanised them that they've decided to unionise and cause havoc????? Should we investigate this behaviour??

Maybe it's just shell shock????

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS, BUT IT HAD BETTER STOP WE CAN'T LOSE TWO OF OUR BIGGEST HITTERS IN ONE DAY - LET'S JUST FORGET TODAY EVER HAPPENED. Maybe tomorrow after they've had some rest both Kimblee and Mustang will calm down.

OK. TOTALLY COOL BY MY STANDARDS)

Riza's unconscious. Perhaps it's for the best.

[cocobeanncteez]

ATEEZ San: Fight For Us (one-shot)

Pairing: idol!san x fem!reader

Genre: angst, light fluff, idol au.

Warnings: profanities, mentions of anxiety, breaking down, lots of crying, alcohol.

San never realized how awkward the atmosphere was whenever you and the members were in the same place. You knew they didn't like you from the first day San introduced you to them, but you didn't know why. Still, you tried your best to interact with them as they were very important to your boyfriend. San was really happy when he saw you making an effort to talk to the guys, but he didn't know that it was really hard for you to talk to them. They usually gave you short replies which just end the conversation. Hongjoong and Seonghwa were okay with you after awhile, but they still didn't make much efforts to talk to you.

One day, you went to the dorms when San had a sore throat. While you were making soup for him, you could hear some of the members talking about you from the living room. They were trying to talk quietly, but it was loud enough for you to hear.

"Why is she in our kitchen?" Wooyoung asked.

"She's probably making something," Yunho answered.

"Well, why is she using our kitchen then?" Yeosang scoffed. "I seriously don't like her." You felt your heart break at that. You knew they didn't like you, but it felt terrible to hear them say that.

"I should've hooked San up with my idol friend," Wooyoung said. "She's literally his type."

"I hope San breaks up with her," Mingi mumbled and Jongho agreed. "Our manager found out recently and he's not happy about it at all. San hasn't even been focusing very well these days."

"Manager hyung has plans of asking San to break up with her. I guess we all should be happy now," Jongho said. You felt your heart drop. At this point, you were sure the guys hated you. You really wanted to fix the situation, but you didn't want to cause any more problems; you knew San would never be able to break up with you, so you'd have to do instead.

You stirred the soup you made for San, controlling your tears from falling. You poured the soup into a bowl before taking it to his room.

"Thank you, love," San said softly, sitting up on his bed. You quietly fed him the soup, lost in your thoughts. "Babe, are you okay? Your eyes are watering." San asked, concern shown on his face.

You blinked and the tears fell. "Y-yeah, I just . . . I hate to see you in pain," you said; that was true, but it wasn't why you were crying.

San chuckled a little. "It's only a sore throat, love." Your heart hurt to hear him call you that; you won't be hearing it anymore after sometime. Tears began to stream down your cheeks at the thought of it.

San took the empty bowl from your hands and placed it on his bedside table. He cupped your cheeks, wiping your tears away. "Baby, I'm alright," he murmured, leaning in to capture your lips. You kissed him back with more urgency, knowing that you'll never get to do it again. San gasped a little, surprised at the new feeling that somehow made him feel anxious. To him, it felt like you were going to say goodbye. Little did he know, he was actually right.

When you went home, you bawled your eyes out. You were very much in love with San, and you knew he loved you just as much. You texted him, saying that you would come over the next day. He felt relieved: his anxiety from the urgent kiss you both shared immediately going away.

The next evening after your university classes ended, you went to Ateez's dorm. Hongjoong opened the door for you, and you found all the boys in the living room, laughing while playing some board game. You saw Mingi and Jongho roll their eyes at you, unhappy to see you here.

"San," you called out nonchalantly, catching everyone's attention; they had never heard you say his name like that. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah, of course, love," he said with his dimpled smile, taking your hand in his as he lead you to his room. He appeared to be calm, but he was filled with anxiety on the inside; your emotionless expression was scaring him. He kissed your forehead to see how you'd react. When you didn't respond in any way, he got even more scared.

"Babe, what's wrong?" he asked while you sat on his bed.

You took a deep breath.

"San, let's break up."

There was only silence. San felt daggers stabbing his heart over and over again as he repeated your words in his head.

"D-did I . . . " he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm down a little. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No," you said, looking down at your feet. "I just think things aren't working out between us anymore," you lied.

"That's bullshit!" his voice raised a little as tears began to roll down his cheeks. "Don't lie to me, Y/N! Just don't . . . We were always fine!" he yelled as he broke down. "These eleven months . . . we managed everything so well despite our busy schedules!" You kept quiet; if you opened your mouth, you knew you'd break down as well.

"D-do you not love me anymore?" he whispered. "Am I not e-enough?" You knew San's biggest fear was not being good enough, and you wanted nothing more than to take back everything you said.

"I'm sorry, San," you murmured, feeling your heart hurt from saying his name.

"Don't do this to me," he cried, kneeling down in front of you, taking your hands in his. "Please, don't. I love you, Y/N. Don't do this . . . " You didn't say a word. You only closed your eyes, trying not to cry. You hated yourself for breaking his heart.

It was silent for a while; San was lost in thought, and you wished you knew what he was thinking about. You waited for him to say something for god knows how long.

You got up from his bed, looking at him one last time. "Take care of yourself," you said with a small smile that didn't reach your eyes. You left his room, tears immediately rolling down your face as you prepared to leave. However, San stopped you right beside the living room by grabbing your arm and turning you around to face him. Seeing your tears hurt him, but relieved him at the same time; it was enough proof that you still loved him.

All the guys were watching, and they were quite shocked to see San crying and looking so heartbroken.

"It's them, isn't it?" San asked, gesturing to the members with his head.

"No, it's not th—"

"I know they don't like you, Y/N," he said, surprising you; you thought he never knew that. He turned to look at the guys. "Are you all happy now? This was what you wanted right? For me and Y/N to break up?"

"San, please stop," you begged, not wanting any fights to happen between them. "It's not even related to them."

"What do you mean, San?" Hongjoong asked. "We never wanted that."

"Maybe you and Seonghwa hyung didn't," San stated. "But the rest of you certainly do."

"Yeah, he's right," Yeosang said. "We don't trust her or like her."

"And she's a gold-digger," Mingi added.

"She's just using you for your money and other things, San," Wooyoung said and Jongho nodded in agreement. San laughed so hard, you all were actually quite scared.

"A gold-digger?" he laughed. "You know that large company across Mnet's building? That belongs to Y/N's father. She's a chaebol heiress." The guys were quite stunned, not expecting that. "If you made an effort to talk to her instead of wrongly judging her, you'd know. She doesn't need my fucking money."

"What else can she use me for?" San continued. "Sex? We did after five months of dating. I don't think she would've waited if that's what she really wanted. Fame? She and her family are already well-known. So please, tell me why you all think she's fucking using me?!" San yelled. You were just frozen in place. You've never seen San this angry before and honestly, it scared you. None of the boys, not even Hongjoong, dared to say anything. You felt really bad that you're the reason why he raised his voice at them.

San turned to you. "Tell me the real reason why. I'm right, aren't I?"

"I can't," you looked away. "I'm sorry, San." Before he could say anything, you quickly unlocked the door and left.

San just stood there, feeling his already broken heart shatter even more. He chuckled bitterly while tears rolled down his face.

"There, you guys got what you wanted for so long," he said while looking at the members. Several seconds later, he broke down again, his back sliding against the wall. Seonghwa immediately went to his side, pulling the younger boy into his arms; it hurt him to see San like that.

"I love h-her, hyung," San sobbed loudly. "Why did she sacrifice her happiness like this?"

"I know, San," Seonghwa said, letting San cry on him. Hongjoong sat beside them, rubbing San's back comfortingly. San cried harder, struggling to breathe. Hongjoong got him a glass of water, but he wasn't able to drink it. After nearly an hour of crying, he fell asleep against Seonghwa.

"Yunho," Seonghwa called out. "Can you carry him to his bed?" Yunho nodded, picking San up; he wanted to cry at how broken his roommate was.

"Y/N . . . don't leave . . . " San murmured in his sleep, making Yunho's heart ache. He quickly tucked San in before heading to the living room where the rest of the boys were.

"We should apologize," Seonghwa said. "What the fuck is even wrong with us? Since when have we been like this? Judging a person so hard when we don't even know her properly? Look at what we've done now."

"Hyung, you and Hongjoong hyung didn't even do anything," Jongho mumbled.

"No, we did," Hongjoong said. "We didn't trust Y/N initially either. But I was fine with her after seeing San so genuinely happy." That last sentence hit the boys so hard. Seeing San happy . . . They didn't know when they would see him happy again.

"I'm calling Y/N right now," Hongjoong said. "I'm putting it on speaker, so everyone keep quiet. If we're really the reason why they broke up, then we're going to fix it." Everyone agreed and Hongjoong called you. You didn't pick up the first two times, but you finally picked up on the third.

"Hello?"

"Y/N, it's Hongjoong. Can we please talk right now, just for a minute or two?" You hesitated for a few seconds before agreeing. "Please tell me why you broke up with San."

"Hongjoong, I'm sorry, but I can't tell—"

"It'll stay between us, Y/N," he lied. "It'll be easier for us to help San move on."

You took a deep breath. "I heard some of the guys talking about me when I came over. I knew you all didn't like me, but I didn't expect you guys to hate me. They also said something about your manager planning to tell San to break up with me 'cause he isn't focusing."

"Ah, so that's why," Hongjoong said, extremely disappointed in himself and the members.

"No, it's not really about that," you mumbled, your eyes watering. "I just . . . I would never make San choose between me and you guys. I didn't want to cause any problems for you all. San loves you all so much, and you're very important to him. It's important for you guys to have a healthy relationship with each other for your career, so I didn't want to ruin it in any way. I didn't want you guys to have any problems with San just because of me." Yunho started crying, feeling extremely disappointed in himself for misjudging you and making San go through so much. Seonghwa and Wooyoung were in tears too. "If your manager asked San to end things with me, I know he'd never do it. So I did it instead."

"Y/N, I apologize on behalf of everyone," Hongjoong said. "We made a huge mistake, and I'm really ashamed. But I want you to know that none of us hate you. I hope you can forgive us."

"Don't worry, I forgave everyone. I understand why they thought I'm using him, so it's fine," you said softly. "I have to go now. I wish you guys the very best, and take care of San, please."

"Y/N, listen," Hongjoong said quickly, but you already hung up. "Fuck."

"We fucked up," Yeosang said, staring at the ceiling. "We fucked up big time."

"You should tell San about it, hyung," Jongho said to Hongjoong.

"I already heard everything," San mumbled, leaning against the wall, startling some of the guys with his sudden presence.

"San, we're so sorry," Yunho said sadly, his tears now dried up on his cheeks.

"Yeah, we shouldn't have judged her," Mingi murmured.

"Your apologies aren't going to change anything," San said nonchalantly. "I just lost the love of my life because of you guys. The sad part is, you all were the only people I trusted other than her." The boys felt terrible, but they knew it was their fault. "You all are so selfish. We're supposed to be a team, right? But none of you even thought about my feelings." San changed his clothes, grabbed his phone and wallet, put on his shoes and left, not wanting to be with anyone right now.

"I don't feel comfortable with him leaving at this time when he's in that state," Seonghwa said.

"I guess he's going to some bar," Yeosang murmured.

And he was right.

"Three more shots, please," San said to the bartender.

"Sir, you're already quite drunk," the bartender said.

"I need it, please." The bartender only gave him two shots, genuinely worried for the younger boy.

Tears rolled down San's face as he took a shot and fidgeted with the other. "Rough day?" the other younger bartender asked; he seemed to be only a year or two older than San.

"My girlfriend broke up with me," San said. "My members didn't like her."

"Ah, you're an idol?"

"Yeah," San nodded, not caring about whether or not this bartender would expose him.

"She must've done it so that your relationship with your members won't get spoiled."

"That's exactly why," San chuckled brokenly, more tears rolling down from his eyes. "I love her so much. And I know she loves me as well."

"Then what are you doing here? Go get her!" the older bartender said. "It's not easy to find genuine love these days. Don't throw it all away just because of that."

"She wouldn't get back with me," San murmured, sobering up a little.

"Well, you said she loves you. If she really does, she wouldn't give up," the younger bartender said. "I know people say if really love someone, you'll let them go. I think the opposite. You don't give up on the person you love."

San pondered about the words he just heard. "You know what? You're absolutely right," San said, getting off the barstool. "I'm gonna go get her."

You were doing pretty bad after the break up. Although it hasn't even been twenty-four hours, you've been a mess.

"If you aren't gonna eat, will you at least drink this?" your best friend said, placing a bowl of soup in front of you.

"I don't feel—"

"Y/N, if you don't fill your stomach up with something, you're gonna feel worse." You sighed, taking the spoon to drink the soup. Your bestfriend waited till you drank everything before leaving for work.

Three minutes later, your doorbell rang. You rolled your eyes, quite sure your best friend forgot something as usual.

"What did you forget now?" you asked while opening the door. "I bet it's your—"

San stood at the door, wearing his usual grey sweatpants and a black hoodie. His mouth and nose were covered with a black mask, and his wet hair was nearly covering his eyes.

"Y/N, can we talk, please?" he asked a little shakily. He was visibly shivering and you wanted to yell at him for not dressing warmly when it was freezing outside.

You immediately let him in, running to your room to get a blanket. He sat on the couch, eyes never leaving you while you wrapped him up in a cotton fleece blanket. You quickly made him some warm tea; you breathed a sigh of relief when he stopped shivering.

"Y/N," he started, sipping on his tea. "I overheard your conversation with Hongjoong hyung." You opened your mouth to say something, but he placed a finger against your lips. "Let me finish, baby."

"I was on my way to your apartment last night, but I was drunk and passed out in the cab. The cab driver tried to wake me up for almost an hour until Seonghwa hyung called me and the driver brought me home," he said, finishing his tea and placing the empty teacup on the table. "The guys and I had a long talk today morning. They apologized for being immature and judging you, but anyway, they will call you later to apologize as well." San cupped your cheek. "Y/N, I know you broke up 'cause you didn't want any problems to occur between the boys and I, but baby, please consider my feelings as well. Your happiness is my happiness. So if you sacrifice that, how will I be happy?" He stroked your cheek with his thumb. "Y/N, I love you so much. You mean the whole damn universe to me. I fucking love you to the point where I literally cannot live without you. Please don't put me—put us through that again. I can't and won't ever stop fighting for us." You choked on a sob, bursting into tears. He pulled you into his arms, crying as well. You apologized for whatever happened while he placed soft kisses on your head.

"I love you, Sannie," you whispered, wiping his tears away.

"I love you too." He took your hand, intertwining it with his, placing a kiss on yours. "Promise me that you won't ever stop fighting for us."

"I promise."

[syubub]

2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

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Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜