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kittyprincessofcats · 5 years ago

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She-Ra S5 E03 - Corridors

Sorry this one took me so long to write up. But even though it’s now been a while since season 5 was released, I still really want to finish writing up my thoughts on all the episodes, so here we go.

This episode. THIS EPISODE. GOD. I love it so much! I predict this post is going to be full of me gushing about how amazing it is. Also, there might be spoilers for the rest of the season in this post.

- First of all, I love how this episode begins with so many “oh shit” moments for you as a viewer. First you realize there’s no scene before the opening and you’re like “oh shit”. Then you realize it opens with a Catra flashback and you’re like “oh shit”. Then you see present!Catra looking down on her planet getting destroyed and then standing undecided between two corridors - one light and one dark - and you’re like “oh shit, guess we’re finally answering the ‘redemption or not’ question.” I love how it’s set up in a way that everyone knows within the first few minutes what this is going to be about and that shit’s about to get real.

- I also love that this season didn’t beat around the bush and did the redemption so early on. I was worried that we’d have to wait until the very end and wouldn’t get to actually see Catra work and bond with the good guys. And like I said before, all the groundwork for the redemption was already there after season 4, so I’m glad they didn’t make us wait.

- I like that Catra runs on all fours when she’s trying to be fast.

- I really like that first scene between Hordak and Catra. I generally think their relationship is super interesting, since they’re not as different as they think and they’re narrative foils to each other in many of the same ways that Catra and Glimmer are. And they’re in a very similar situation as Catra and Glimmer, too: They don’t particularly like each other and were fighting/trying to kill each other before getting abducted. But now they’re stuck on Prime’s ship with no way out, and are one of each other’s only reminders of their previous lives, so they still end up reaching out for each other (albeit in a smaller way than Catra and Glimmer do). I like how Hordak calls her "Catra", clearly showing that he does remember, and how Catra immediately recognizes him because of that and calls him by his real name as well (though she doesn’t realize what consequences that’ll have for him). I also like that despite their history, Catra tries to bring his memories back and tries to bond with him. I also find the line “It’s good to see a familiar face” interesting, since the clones all technically have the same face. (Basically, I need more fanfics about Hordak and Catra talking things out and becoming friends post season 5.)

- Bow being an exhaused parent who’s trying to keep Adora and Entrapta from destroying the ship is hilarious, but I also feel really bad for him.

- I also just realized that Bow, Adora and Entrapta are the rescue party, while the respective people they’ll end up with (Glimmer, Catra and Hordak) are trapped on Horde Prime’s ship... there’s fanfic potential in this.

- The entire talk where Catra and Glimmer bond over Adora - Do I even need to get into how perfect that scene is? “You’re lonely, aren’t you?”, both of them admitting it helps to talk to each other, them sitting back to back, Glimmer talking about her perfect day and Catra looking visibly sad when she mentions Adora, but Catra NOT lashing out and acting jealous this time but talking about her own memories of Adora, them bonding over memories of Adora - JUST YES. GOOD STUFF.

- “We’d play tricks on Kyle, stay up all night whispering about... you know, whatever.” And that was another one of those really strong Catradora hints. I didn’t pick up on Horde Prime’s “elevated heartrate” line in S5Ep1, but this line I did notice and it was my first “omg, this is actually happening, isn’t it?” moment. (Because I kind of just assumed that Noelle wouldn’t queerbait us and wouldn’t put in so many Catradora hints if it wasn’t going to happen.)

- Glimmer: “I’d do anything to go back and make it right.” *camera focuses on Catra’s sad face* Enough said.

- “There’s nothing for me on Etheria.” The fact that Catra was so surprised to even be asked what she’d be doing on Etheria speaks volumes, imo. She never considered the possibility of getting to go back there and never really thought about what she even wants.

- I love that Entratpa named the ship “Darla” and the other characters (and Darla herself) just go with it without even questioning it.

- “If I could tell you where Adora is, I would. She’s my enemy, I want her gone!” This whole exchange is so brilliant. Prime is such a good villain. I love how he sees through Catra’s lies right away. Also love how he refers to Adora as “your Adora” (he definitely low-key ships them). I also love how Catra is still trying to protect Adora, even when Prime sees through her bluffs. And that shocked expression on her face when Prime asks if she wants to be “free” of her feelings for Adora - poetic cinema.

- Hordak’s purification: God, this scene is so incredibly messed up and creepy - I love it! Starting with Catra’s worried expression when she looks at Hordak and how she angrily glares at Prime, how Horde Prime does the creepy face-touch thing, how Hordak looks back at Catra with this sad, resigned expression, the creepy clone cult with their glowing eyes and their chants, Horde Prime’s whole cult language (“suffer to become pure”, I mean, wtf?), how Catra’s so horrified by the whole thing and Prime tells her "Do what I ask of you” (the threat very clearly being “or I’ll do this to you, too”). 10/10

- Catra blushing as she brings Glimmer the cake... she is baby.

- “Adora’s on that ship, isn’t she?” This line gets to me every time. I already love how before this, Catra was talking to Glimmer quietly, trying to make sure the clone in front of the door doesn’t hear them as she tells her about the ship - but this line kills me every time. How Catra whispers it so quietly, how she looks so concerned for Adora, how you can tell in just that one line how much she still loves Adora - seriously, shout-out to AJ Michalka for how she spoke that line.

- I feel like everyone has already spoken at length about the rest of Glimmer and Catra’s talk, but seriously, it’s amazing. I love how Glimmer reasons with Catra and points out the flaws in her thinking, and I also think she really got through to Catra here. It might be the memories of Adora that finally get Catra to make the right choice in the end, but I think Glimmer’s words really got through to her as well. “Do one good thing in your life” - I mean, damn!

- I also just noticed that Glimmer and Horde Prime act as foils to each other in this episode as well, with how they’re both trying to convince Catra to make a different choice. Glimmer bonds with her over their memories of Adora, while Prime offers to “free” her of those memories. Glimmer begs her to not to sell Adora out and tells her Prime will just get rid of her, while Prime assures her she’ll be “raised above the other creatures of her homeworld.” Both of them at one point ask Catra what she really wants. (Glimmer: “If Prime captures Adora, he can use the Heart of Etheria to wipe out the whole universe. Is that what you want?” / Horde Prime: “ You will be exalted, raised up above the other wretched creatures of your home world. Is that not what you wanted?”)

- Adora hanging from a mess of wires and saying “I have everything under control” needs to become a meme, please. It reminds me of that comic where the dog’s surrounded by fire and says “This is fine”.

- That whole scene where Bow’s ranting at Adora and then Entrapta just shows up in the background floating around outside the spaceship this absoltuely hilarious.

- “I made spacesuits for us and then I fixed the ship from space. Where I am! Aahahahaha....” Oh, I love her. Poor Bow, though.

- How can Entrapta use a blowtorch in space, though? Like... there’s no oxygen, how can she... you know what, I’ll just stop questioning the science here.

- I love the whole suspense of Catra selling Adora out at first, then remembering their childhood and changing her mind - good stuff.

- Also, I’m not crying over that childhood memory, you’re crying over that childhood memory! Did you see how little!Catra blushed when Adora said she was always going to be her friend? And the music is their childhood theme from “Promise”. I also love the callback to “Promise” in general - back then, the memories were projected by Light Hope and pushed Catra away from Adora by only showing her the worst ones. This time, Catra is remembering herself, remembers Adora being there for her and decides to protect her.

- “I’ll never say sorry to anybody, ever.” Yeah, we’ll see about that.

- And here’s one of my favourite moments of the entire season: Catra visibly feeling guilty, remembering herself and Adora playing in the hallway, then that beat of music where she changes her mind and turns around. When I first watched this episode, this was the moment where I started so cheer and said “Well, finally!” Here we go on the redemption road!

- “I wanna do that one good thing in my life. Like you said. So... come with me.” That’s another amazing moment. And the music when Glimmer takes her hand... The entire episode from here on is basically just amazing moments with amazing music.

- “Are you saving me?” “Not you... Adora.” She did it for Adora... hold me. (I do think she also did it for Glimmer, though.)

- “Even if I sent her a message to stay away, she’d still come for you, that’s just how she is.” The heartbreaking part about this is that Catra genuinely didn’t realize that Adora would also come for her.

- “There’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me.” *cut to Adora*

- The whole scene where Catra saves Glimmer and sacrifices herself just gets to me every time. Starting with the music - it’s Promise, which played during the cliff scene in “Promise” (and will later play during Catra’s love confession in Heart Part 2).

- “Adora... I’m sorry! For everything!” 😭😭 What makes this scene work so well for me as a starting point of Catra’s redemption is that she was being completely selfless here. She wasn’t trying to gain anything out of sacrificing herself. She wasn’t asking for forgiveness, pity, or gratitude. She didn’t expect Adora to come back for her. She just wanted to keep Adora safe and let her know that she’s sorry. There were no expectations behind this apology or sacrifice. (And that’s not even getting into how she knew exactly what Horde Prime would do to her - because she saw it on Hordak earlier - and still decided it was worth it to save Adora.)

- “No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Catra! Come back!” 😭😭😭😭

- The spacesuit designs are so ridiculous, but I kind of respect the show for saying “Yeah, we know this will never look realisitic anyway, so let’s just make it completely ridiculous. Ab-window for Bow? Hole for Adora’s ponytail? Let’s just do it all.”

- While I love that scene of them catching Glimmer in space, I’ve got to say it kind of makes me anxious to think about how lucky they were here. I mean, Catra’s plan was a little dumb here, sorry. Imagine if Entrapta hadn’t fixed Darla in time and they wouldn’t have been able to get to Glimmer? Imagine if Darla had been too slow? If the teleporter had been faster? Or if Bow and Adora hadn’t had spacesuits? If Glimmer hadn’t been able to survive in space for a few ‘I’m still glowing green from the teleport thingy’ seconds before Bow caught her? This ‘I’m just going to teleport her into space’ plan could have gone so wrong, just saying. (Also, why didn’t she just teleport Glimmer to Etheria? Wouldn’t that have been easier? And safer? Though granted, it wouldn’t have made as good of a story.)

- “I think Catra saved me. I think she saved us all.” 😭😭 Yes, she did! That’s my wildcat and I’m so proud of her!!!

- Can we talk about Horde Prime tilting Catra’s chin up with his foot? Everything about him is so creepy and evil, I love it.

- Catra just laughing in Horde Prime’s face... honestly, what an icon. (I also love the “What did you expect?” line. I mean seriously - what did we as viewers expect? I’m pretty sure most people expected Catra to redeem herself eventually.)

- “It doesn’t matter what you do to me. Glimmer is gone, and you will never get your hands on Adora!” She loves Adora so much I 😭

Amazing episode. Definitely one of my favourites. There’s probably way more stuff to talk about here and I only scratched the surface - but this post is getting way too long as it is.

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#spop #spop s5 #Catra #Catradora #Glimmer #spop spoilers #spop s5 spoilers #Corridors #Hordak #Bow #Adora #Entrapta #long post #Horde Prime #spop meta

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chimivx · 3 months ago

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WE'RE ALMOST THERE GUYS DO YOU GET IT DO YOU GET IT

NO ONE GETS IT

IM KEEPING MY MAD FEELINGS ASIDE FOR THIS POST. I'm emotionally thrown every time you write something new Tace what do you MEAN I WAS CRYING LAUGHING AT THE BAR AND THEN ON THE WAY HOME IM RAGING AND FUMING!?

RAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

If you haven't read this series yet, you absoltuely need to. The emotional rollercoaster, the fun, the laughs, the love, UGH! The way she writes her people on paper is unreal, like I want to be there with them. I WANNA BE IN THE FRIEND GROUP- BRO THINKS HES ON THE TEEEEEAM!!!!! Sigh. I'm not ready for this to be done tbh. I wanna live in this for a long long time. Getting to know these people, this group, Tiny, has been such an amazing ride. Keep me here, I live here, I'm the next door neighbor.

START THIS SERIES ASAP!!!

EIGHT FIRST DATES ꨄ︎

008 》 KWON SOONYOUNG

you wished you had a calm before the storm, but your life has been a hurricane for ages now. you needed a distraction, something to lighten up the heaviness in your chest, who better for that then the blonde you met last saturday?

no warnings, they're at a bar drinking if that counts | 9.8k

jeong yunho was losing his fucking mind.

he knew he shouldn’t have said it, in his gut he knew he shouldn’t have confessed to you when you were drunk, when you didn’t have the time, energy or the consciousness for a conversation. he knew it, yet he did it anyway– and he hasn’t seen you since. he hasn’t even gotten a glimpse of you since you crawled out of the uber and damn near sprinted up your stairs, locking yourself in your room.

he’s been at your house every single day, like normal, all of them have. you haven’t answered any texts, any calls, your location’s been off– you’re avoiding them, something you haven’t done once in your twenty two years of life. ace said he hasn’t spoken to you, you haven’t been at home, leaving early in the morning and coming home late at night, your twin has barely gotten a chance to say hello let alone ask how you are.

yunho didn’t know what to do. beside himself, yunho was in more than deep distress, his eyes glued to his phone screen during the day, your front door when he’s at your house. waiting for you to say something, to reach out, to come home. to look him in his eyes and say anything– he could handle it, he tells himself, whatever your answer was he could handle it. he just wanted you back.

that’s where he was now– on your living room couch with your entire fucking family and not you, eyes darting to the front door whenever he hears a noise, most of which were coming from the tv that everyone else was focused on.

yunho wondered why everyone wasn’t more panicked. you’ve never done anything like this before, other than avoiding them, simply not being home for so many hours at a time. wasn’t your mother worried? why wasn’t your twin in his car, searching every inch of the fucking city for you? was yunho insane for wanting to?

the other guys had their fair share to say about your disappearance– that you were embarrassed, a coward, selfish for avoiding them, avoiding your feelings, avoiding him. yunho shut down every remark, he knew that the fear was keeping you away, not knowing how to face this or what comes next. that’s why yunho didn’t want to tell you when he couldn’t give you his entire spiel, couldn’t help guide you through understanding his feelings for you.

where the other guys saw it as a black and white situation, yunho knew that you were lost in the gray, and yunho wanted so badly to explain himself, to talk it out. at the very least, he wanted you to feel comfortable in your own home.

that’s when it dawned on him that maybe he shouldn’t be here.

if you weren’t comfortable at home because of him, because of his presence, maybe he should go.

without another thought, he was on his feet. with barely a glance to the crowd on the couch, he says, “i’m heading home.”

everyone mumbles some form of goodbye that he could barely hear as he walks to the kitchen in search of his wallet and keys, his back hunched forward in defeat, this hurts. he fucked everything up.

“honey, what’s wrong?” he hears your mom before he sees her and his back straightens on command, plastering a fake smile on his face before he has the chance to decipher her question. like a domesticated animal, he was trained by his own family how to act, how to be seen.

“nothing, i’m fine,” he gives her a fake smile, and he knows that she can see through it, she’s known him since he was born. he’d have to try harder than that if he was going to fool her.

she gives him a sad smile, moving towards the kitchen island, leaning against it. her eyes land on a chair, telling yunho to sit, and without a complaint he obeys. through a sigh he pulls out a chair, halfway sitting down, only the very edge of his butt actually on the chair. he did not want to have this conversation with her, with anyone, and it was obvious.

“what’s going on with her?” in one question she confirmed what yunho always suspected she knew. she spoke as if she’s talked about this with yunho before, her tone concerned and curious, “why hasn’t she been home?”

yunho shrugged, “i haven’t seen her, haven’t heard from her.”

“yunho,” she says a little more seriously this time, a little more motherly. accepting defeat, he adjusts himself in the chair, sitting fully into the cushion, his gaze falling to his lap– and then he told her. from day one, he told her everything.

“...i love her, and now she won’t talk to me, won’t answer anyone. ace said she’s barely been home, i don’t even know what she’s doing, i– who she’s with? i’m so obviously losing her, it’s driving me insane.”

your mother nodded her head at every detail, she took in every word, even winced at the mention of heeseung’s name after finding out everything that came before that. yunho didn’t feel guilty airing out your dirty laundry, he knew you’d tell her everything yourself. she took a breath after he finished, it was a lot to process, she could see how much yunho was hurting on his face. she’s always seen his feelings for you– she always thought you two would play out in time, that when you both were ready, it’d fall into place on its own.

given your age, she should’ve expected drama to accompany it, yet she stood surprised.

“she loves you,” she began and it physically hurt yunho to hear, a sharp stab to his heart. he knows you love him, but do you love him like he loves you? “i think she’s trying to figure everything out right now, that’s a lot to take in, you’re a huge part of her life already. she might be scared to cross that line with you.”

“it’s already been crossed,” yunho says too quickly, stress clear in his voice. “i already crossed it, i mean.” his voice lowers, voice cracking as he says just above a whisper, “i can’t take back what i said.”

she shakes her head with an apologetic smile, “i don’t want you to take it back, i want you to stand by it.” she slides around the island to stand before yunho, her hand heavy on his shoulder. “if you’ve loved her for as long as you said you have, and you really, truly feel that way, please fight for her. i’ve always wanted you to end up together, if i’m honest.”

that felt good to hear– for the first time since saturday, yunho’s smile might actually be sincere.

she continues, “she has to come home eventually, yunho. when she’s had enough time to process, she’ll want to talk. if you were anyone else, she’d want to talk about it with you and the rest of the boys. she feels like she doesn’t have that support right now.”

yunho nods with furrowed brows, she makes sense, that makes sense– who else could you turn to right now? he needs to wait it out, it’s only been three days, you did have to come home eventually and face this, face him. and when you did, when you were ready, he’d have a plan.

that’s what he needed— a course of action, plans already set up. if you were going on these measly dates to find a boyfriend for thanksgiving, then yunho would take you on the best fucking date you’ve ever been on, he’d make all of these men— mingyu, especially— history.

“you’re right, i’ll be back tomorrow, probably,” his smile is tight-lipped, hollow despite the pep talk and the itch to plan burning beneath his skin, “hopefully she’ll come home.”

it doesn’t make the waiting any easier, though.

────── ꨄ︎

confusion. stress. evasion.

you’ve been back and forth in your head for days, a puddle of emotions you couldn’t avoid if you tried. you haven’t seen yunho, you’ve haven’t seen your friends, you’ve barely seen your twin for days now. they haven’t avoided you, they’ve been in your house daily– it was you avoiding them. upstairs in your room with the door locked, in the bath refilling it when the water turned cold over and over, out at the beach in the cold november air, sitting on a blanket in the same spot you used to go to with your father, your whole family, letting the salty breeze free you of your thoughts. it never worked. nothing works.

the same words over and over, your mind was turning into a fucking prison. yunho loves you– he doesn’t just like you, he’s not just interested in you, he loves you, and he’s spent time loving you without your knowledge. the rest of your friends haven’t just known, they think you know, too, and they think you’re playing with him, with his emotions. how could they not hate your fucking guts for that?

you went home after the party in silence. you didn’t talk about it the next day as promised, you spent the entirety of the day at the beach with your location turned off, hungover and confused. talking out loud to your father, begging him to respond, just this once– you needed him, his guidance, again. would he approve of yunho? something told yunho would be the only man he would approve of.

you didn’t want to talk to your mother, you’re pretty sure she knows, too. giselle and julie were already disappointed in you– they know, too. you were the only one on the outside, with no knowledge of yunho’s very real feelings.

you took time putting everything together. when he dropped you off for your first date with hyunjin, when he picked you up from chan’s, his clear dislike for mingyu that you can only conclude was because mingyu would have worked, but you weren’t revisiting that thought again. through every single man he was present, right by your side, guiding you, even so much as encouraging you with jisung. his selflessness, loving you through it all, what he must have felt– you didn’t deserve it, you didn’t deserve him.

how on earth he could love you, you didn’t know.

you sat at the coffee shop by campus, alone in a booth with tears kissing your waterline, barely sipping on your coffee that you ordered an hour ago. your boys said in the groupchat that they were at your house– they’ve been keeping you updated on their every move, begging you to join them. everyone except ace, who was still pissed, and in turn made you pissed because he had no right being mad in the first place.

when you think of your interactions with yunho saturday night, the first night that you thought something might happen between the two of you, the first time you felt a definite breath of mutual attraction in the air, at the end of your thought process you still conclude yourself innocent every time.

maybe you weren’t innocent with how you spoke to san, but that night for the two of you, you’d like to bury it completely. how he spoke to you, how you spoke to him– it was so unlike how your relationship usually is, it made you sick. how he dragged you around the frat like you were nothing but a nuisance, the embarrassment was eating you alive. you wanted to apologize, needed to apologize, but his words and actions still hurt.

to you, yunho was unattainable, off limits, someone you’d never even consider because of the relationship you already had. he was one of your best friends, similar to your own brother (that comparison now feels wrong), the thought has never crossed your mind that this could be a legitimate option. to be damned for hooking up with heeseung? ridiculous. unfair.

yet the guilt gnawed at you. maybe you should have known, maybe you should have listened to the mutual attraction you felt, maybe you should have acted on that instead of going after heeseung to rid yourself of it, it didn’t work anyways.

you can’t go back in time– you can’t change what you did. a massive part of you, now that you know, didn’t want to change it anyways. you didn’t want to reconcile with yunho, you didn’t want to discuss his feelings, there were too many things left unknown, too many negative outcomes that could happen.

first and foremost– did you even feel the same way? could you allow yourself to cross that line with him? truly? could you, from the bottom of your heart, see him as anything but a good friend to you? a member of your family?

if you chose to try, if you ended up starting something, if you went on a date, if you went on several– what if you didn’t like him? what if there was something, an aspect about him you didn’t know of already, that you didn’t like? could it ruin your entire life? uproot your friend group, ruin the one thing that’s stayed anchored in your life since you were born? dramatics aside, you couldn’t handle that much of a change. those boys know everything about you, they’ve seen you at your worst, they were by your side through your father’s death, you grew up together.

if everything went well, and you stayed together long term– would your friend group stay the same? your boys might be okay with the idea of you together, but what would happen when you actually were together? what if san, ace and yeosang decided they hated you together, inevitably breaking up the friend group, ruining your personal friendships with them, too?

all it would take is one thing to flip your entire life around, ruin your support system, ruin the relationships that are ingrained in your very soul, that have shaped you into the person you are today. you don’t think you can take that chance.

how can you face yunho, and say that to him? who knows how long he’s been feeling this way about you? will rejecting him ruin your friendship? was all of this doomed from the start? you’re beginning to wish he never said anything in the first place.

you needed to talk to someone– anyone. you needed to talk it out, get these feelings off your chest, you needed release and relief in a completely different way than you did on saturday. there was only one person you could trust that you felt hadn't been touched by the yunho situation.

you: can you meet me at the coffee shop by campus pls?

chan: um yes? chan: everything ok?

you: idk you: i need to talk to you

chan: omg i had 20 mins left of my class chan: but now im spooked so im omw

you: i’m sorry you: thank you so much. i owe you

an hour later you had drank half of your watered down coffee, sitting across from your blonde friend in his skater-esque clothes who was less surprised than he should’ve been about everything. he said jisung was suspicious of this and filled chan in on what he had discovered– even those two had discussed the idea of you and yunho being together.

was everyone aware of this except for you? the idea was becoming nauseating, filling your stomach with a feeling so sour you’d genuinely started to debate fleeing the state.

“your brother chewing you out was unnecessary, but i get why he did it,” chan said, sitting back into the booth, crossing his arms. “he’s on yunho’s side, if he knows all of yunho’s feelings then he definitely thinks you’re an asshole.”

“but i didn’t know yunho’s feelings,” you lean forward, your voice a whisper-yell to not disrupt the cafe, frustration muddled into your words. “i’m not an asshole, i just thought we were flirting a little bit, i don’t know.”

chan lifted an eyebrow, lips pursed to say really?

you sigh, sitting back into the booth, releasing a deep sigh from your chest. chan chuckles to himself, “you knew there was something between you before saturday night, you said it yourself. you only hooked up with heeseung to rid yourself of the feelings because you convinced yourself it won’t work with yunho, and instead of working, it backfired because you won’t talk about it.”

you tap your nails along the wooden table in thought. you convinced yourself it won’t work? it’s obvious that it won’t work. you glance at chan, voice thick with the tightness you felt in your throat, “i don’t think i can talk about it, i can’t cross that line with him.”

chan raises his shoulders, “that’s a decision only you can make, but i think you should at least hear him out. you can’t avoid going home forever, they sure as hell aren’t.”

you pull out your phone, immediately going to the app that checks all of your friends locations, and every single one was at your house. you push it in chan’s direction, showing him the screen, “they’re all there, and they think i’m playing with him, chan, they’re definitely mad at me. i don’t want to go there.”

chan barely looks at the screen, “are you gonna avoid this for the rest of your life?”

you shrug, voice quiet and a little embarrassed, “if i have to.”

“so you’re just going to let them think that you played yunho? you’re not gonna do any damage control? stick up for yourself?” when all he receives is a shrug in response, he sighs, frustrated. “this is stupid– you should at least talk to your brother.”

“he’s the main one that thinks i’m an asshole!”

“he also shares your blood. he’s going to be in your corner once he hears you out.”

“i’m not talking to him, chan.”

his hands come up to rub at his eyes, his patience running thin, “i’m trying to help you navigate this but you aren’t even giving me a ledge to stand on let alone any ground.”

you drop your head, voice cracking as you mutter, “i’m sorry.”

“this avoidant attitude you have right now?” chan shakes his head, “i love you, girl, but it’s not going to help the situation you’re already in, it’s just going to make it worse. every minute that passes is going to make the conversation that much harder. you had the conversation with jisung, why can’t you have it with yunho?”

because there’s still that part of you that wants to take the chance, that wants it to work– the only person that makes sense for you is yunho and you know it. you tilt your head to the side, “i haven’t known jisung since i was born, chan, come on.”

chan grabs his jacket from beside him, slipping out of the booth, standing beside the table with a sad warmth in his eyes. “i gotta go, i have shit to do. keep me updated– and don’t do anything stupid.”

you nod and he pauses, still giving you that stupidly endearing look. he pats you on the head with a smile, and then he’s gone. you take a deep breath, relaxing into the booth, closing your eyes. after five days of excruciating thoughts, maybe it is time to go home.

the drive is longer than it’s ever been– you’re driving the speed limit, music blasting, trying to calm your heart rate while simultaneously taking as long as you fucking can to get to your house. this is the earliest you’ve been home all week, and it’s only approaching six.

your hands are shaking as you open the front door, trying to be as quiet as possible as you step inside, shutting the door behind you slowly enough to barely make any noise. you shed your shoes, taking a step further inside, eyes glancing around your spotless house.

your eyes land on the living room– a random show playing on the tv with ace in the recliner, matt, your mother, san, yeosang and vivi on the couch. they all meet your eyes– no yunho?

maybe it’s a sign.

you finally grew the balls to come home after days, and yet he’s not here. you just checked his location and he was here, and now he’s not? your eyebrows furrow, standing still for longer than intended, you didn’t understand.

“he just left,” your mother says from the couch, seemingly reading your thoughts. how the hell did she know? she shoots you a small smile, “he’ll be back tomorrow, though.”

you blink at her, relief washing over you head to toe of his confirmed absence, but confusion lingers in your stomach. you turn on your heel without a word, making your way up the staircase to your room, willing your hands to stop shaking, for your heart rate to calm down.

you lay your bag down on the floor, locking the door behind you before flopping onto your bed, on your back with your phone in your hands. you sigh as you scroll through your messages, several from the boys downstairs, asking you if they can come up.

you would have ignored them anyways, but the ones sitting at the top of your screen steal your attention instead. you pull up the thread, smiling at the message that was sent on saturday, the one you never answered. the new ones wipe the smile off your face, leaving a pit in your stomach, and yet another question to ask yourself.

saturday, 1:24 am hoshi: heyyy irs hosih

today, 6:23 pm hoshi: hey i know this is a long shot but hoshi: do u want to get drinks with me tn?

you blink at your screen. you have so much shit that’s been eating at your brain, stealing all of your thoughts, all of your free time. a night of drinking could be… beneficial. especially with someone who knows nothing about you or your life.

today, 6:31 pmyou: actually yeah i’m down you: what time and where?

at this point, you’ve made so many mistakes, what’s one more?

hoshi: HOKt fuc k hoshi: was NOT expecting a yes. ok cool ok hoshi: 8?? do u know the bar henderys hoshi: we can eat first

you giggle at your screen, imagining his face to the best of your ability from saturday, what he’d look like if he said those messages out loud. you roll over onto your stomach, smiling, kicking your legs up as you reply.

you: i’ll find it :)))) you: im cool for 8!! ill meet u there

a strangled sigh leaves your lips as you lock your phone, the adrenaline already leaving you as you lay it down on your bed face down. this wasn’t a mistake, you tell yourself, there couldn’t be anything between you and yunho, it just wouldn’t work. hoshi seems funny, someone your family could possibly like… who were you kidding? you didn’t know anything about him other than his face. you barely remember how he asked for your number.

unease consumes you from your head to your toes as you get in the shower, taking your time, hoping the heat of the water would ease whatever this feeling was. anxiety, regret? before anything even happened? how would you even get out of the house with all of them here, sitting downstairs in your living room?

you forced yourself to keep taking deep breaths as you got ready, you couldn’t pay attention as you normally would, not when you did your hair, your makeup or picking your outfit. you’ve been in your head for so long you think it might be impossible to get out of it now.

you tell yourself over and over that going out with someone and drinking enough to forget all about it will be beneficial, that if you ease your mind for just one night it will help. it will be a relief.

when the time hits seven forty five and you’re fully ready, your heart is still hammering in your chest. a question that should’ve crossed your mind when you answered his texts dawns on you: how the hell were you going to get there?

you stand in the middle of your room, biting the skin of your bottom lip. you could call an uber? drive there, and leave your car in the parking lot?

there’s also three people in this house that would drive you if you just asked. you pull your phone from your back pocket, opening your messages app.

today, 7:46 pm you: is your car here? you: could you give me a ride somewhere pls

yeo: yeah are u ok? yeo: where do u need to go?

you: a bar you: im meeting gi and jules

if your stomach could drop any further from the weight of your lie, it would.

yeo: yeah of course yeo: were in the basement ill come up

you know he’s only saying yes this easily because you haven’t spoken to him in days, but it still makes you feel better knowing he doesn’t hate your guts. if you were him, you probably would.

you quietly walk downstairs, meeting yeosang beside the front door, who just asks you if you’re ready. you give him a small nod and walk outside to his car, a blacked out porsche, a car so unfitting of his personality– but undeniably a beautiful car that still smells brand new.

you keep your purse and your hands in your lap as he pulls out of your driveway, still silent. the air feels awkward, and you don’t want it to be, but you can’t do anything to change it. yeosang probably feels in the middle of it all, he knows yunho’s feelings, but he doesn’t know yours. you haven’t defended yourself to any of them, nor do you plan to.

approaching eight, you’re still about ten minutes out. you send a quick text to hoshi and let out a breath, trying to rid yourself of some of the heaviness you feel until you ruin this date before it starts.

“i know you aren’t meeting giselle and julie,” yeosang breaks the silence, keeping his eyes on the road, but he doesn’t sound angry or disappointed. just a statement.

you swallow, immediately on the defense, “i–yes i am?”

“you only wear that perfume on dates,” he side-eyes you, “you spend a few days ignoring me and you suddenly forget who i am?”

the back of your head hits the headrest, a sigh of defeat escaping your chest. you choose to answer the questions you know are coming, “it’s the guy from saturday, he asked me out at the right time. i need a night of forgetting.”

“because that worked so well for you the last time,” he hums in amusement, clearly a jab disguised with humor.

“please,” you turn to him, eyes pleading, “don’t tell anyone else. i just want one night of forgetting all of this shit before i have to do something about it.”

“you’re gonna talk to him?” yeosang finally looks at you, eyebrows raised with hope, “he’s been sulking for days, tiny. he wants to talk to you so bad, but you’ve been… anywhere but where we are.”

“i was hoping to talk to him tonight,” you shake your head, “it won’t work, yeo. he has to know that already.” just getting that off of your chest makes you feel so much lighter.

yeosang doesn’t answer for a moment, instead letting the dim sound of gorillaz play through the car, filling the space with anything but ease. he finally responds, “i’m not going to say much because it’s your decision, your conversation to have with him, but i think yunho’s the one person who would work.”

now it’s your turn to stay silent. you don’t have a rebuttal, any form of response, you let his statement stand alone, because you know that already. if he wasn’t one of your best friends, you could go out with him on a normal date, learn what yunho is like as a lover, fall in love with him like he already has with you. if it was that easy, you’d do that– but it’s not. nothing about you and yunho would work.

you force yourself to brush it off. when you pull up outside the bar, you unbuckle your seatbelt, mumbling your gratitude to your best friend before he grabs onto your wrist. you look up to him with your other hand on the door handle, ready to escape, nerves gathering in your chest again as he stares into you.

“as your best friend, i hope the love of your life is inside,” he starts, his gaze heavy, “as yunho’s best friend, i hope this guy fucking sucks.”

you stare for a moment before a snort rips through your chest, laughter rocking through you with force. a smile breaks out across yeosang’s lips, but he keeps going. “jokes aside, ignore whoever you want, leave whoever you want out, tiny, but never me. i’ll always have your back, don’t forget that.”

you reach across the center console to wrap your arm around him in a hug, “i love you, thank you.”

“i love you too, dumbass,” you can hear the smile on his face, “go in there and forget or whatever the fuck you’re doing.”

you’re still giggling as you close the door to the car, keeping the smile on your face as you walk inside hendery’s. your eyes scan the crowd, the bar was oddly busy, but you find hoshi with ease– sitting at the end of the bar, holding a seat open for you, he’s already spotted you. waving you over with a wide smile that takes over his entire face, you’re hurrying over to him, sitting in the barstool to his left.

“i did not think you were gonna say yes, but i’m so happy you did,” he gushes as soon as you’re in earshot, talking with his hands, a half-drank beer in his left one. “i love this bar, their beers are so cheap. i hope you like beer. they also have really good appetizers, we can order a few if you want, are you hungry?”

you take a breath, processing all of his words to the best of your ability, your mind still buzzing from your conversation with yeosang. “i’m cool with whatever, i can definitely eat. i only like michelob, i'm more of a surfside kind of girl, but i can pay for my own drinks.”

“no! no.” he waves his hands, the second no coming out stern, “you pay for nothing. if you want surfsides, you get surfsides. can i ask you a weird question that you have to promise not to get mad at me for?”

a sound of amusement leaves your lips as you watch him speak so animatedly, he uses his entire face to speak. from his eyebrows to his lips to his neck, he’s one of the most expressive people you’ve ever met, and it helps to ease your discomfort already. you nod, and he gives you an embarrassed smile, “i didn’t save your number with a name attached.”

you gasp, “hoshi, you don’t know my name?”

“i’m sorry!” he nearly yells, then slaps his hand over his mouth. he continues, quieter this time, “i remember you being really, really pretty– and funny i think, but i never got your name, just your number.”

you laugh in disbelief, then properly introduce yourself, giving your hand out for him to shake jokingly. this is unreal. he smiles wide when he shakes your hand, introducing himself to you now, voice even more animated than before, “my full name is kwon soonyoung, but hoshi is what everyone calls me, i’m 23 and i major in sports management. nice to meet you.”

the bartender interrupts you, asking for your drink order, and you happily order a surfside through a laugh you couldn’t contain. hoshi orders another beer, too, already surpassing you in alcohol content. you already felt better somehow, lighter, distracted– your entire gut was praying you didn’t regret this.

“so, do you always accept date plans made a few hours in advance?” he asks after sipping his beer, his eyebrows wiggling up and down, a playful smirk on his lips.

you pin your eyebrows together in confusion, “this is a date?”

it’s entertaining to watch him scramble. stutters leave his lips as he searches for words to say, and you giggle, “i’m just fucking with you, soonie.”

he looks hurt. “i’m too gullible to be messed with— soonie?”

you take a long sip of your surfside, “soonie is cute, and everyone already calls you hoshi. god forbid a girl wants to be different.”

“you’re so different,” he teases, “so unlike all the other girls, so quirky, so mysterious.”

you can’t fight the snort as it leaves your nose, “you get me, soonie, i fear we’re a match made in heaven.”

“are you,” he turns his body forward so he can side-eye you, “flirting with me? we’ve barely known each other for twenty minutes.”

“technically we’ve known each other for days now,” you counter, “well— i’ve known you. you didn’t remember me.”

“i remembered you, just not your name!” he defends himself as you stare at him with a knowing smile, and his face falls, letting out a huff. “you’re messing with me again.”

your smile grows as you nod, “to answer your question, no, i don’t usually accept date offers made hours in advance, not that it happens to me very often.”

“that’s surprising, i would expect you to have roses at your front door every single day, you give off the vibe that you can’t keep ‘em away from you.”

you bark out a sarcastic laugh, “i wish. can i be real with you?” he nods about ten times in two seconds, and you can’t believe these words are about to leave your mouth but you continue anyway— “thanksgiving is in like, less than two weeks, and i need a boyfriend before then.”

he quirks a brow, “…why?”

“because my cousins are rude, heartless women that think i’m only worth something if i have a partner,” you breathe out, and hoshi looks scared. you force a laugh to lighten the mood back up even if part of you was serious, “i’m tired of my family teasing me for never having a boyfriend, so i lied about having one and told them they could meet him at thanksgiving. i can’t show up empty handed.”

hoshi looses a breath, but looks generally unbothered, “i thought that guy at the party was your boyfriend if i’m being real.”

“san?!” your eyebrows reach your hairline, “god, no. i’m sorry for whatever he said to you, by the way, that’s all a big blur to me now.”

hoshi giggles, “it’s a blur to me, too, i was hammered. i think he said something about taking my hands off of you, he asked who i was too, i think, then said that you were too drunk to make decisions for yourself. ‘m not sure about the specifics.”

you groan, the heel of your palm hitting your forehead. hoshi’s giggles get louder, “who is he, anyway?”

“one of my best friends,” you wave him off, “he was just protecting yun– me, he was protecting me, because i got so drunk.”

hoshi laughs, “you were drunk as fuck, but so was everyone, that’s a party at ENA for you. it’s good that you have people watching out for you.”

you smile weakly, your voice lowering to speak under your breath, “not sure how much longer i’ll have that, but i know.”

hoshi furrows his brows, “come again? a lil’ louder this time, it’s noisy in here.”

that’s the point. you sigh as you bring your surfside up to your lips, opting to change the subject instead, “who do you know in ENA?”

“i’m good friends with heeseung,” hoshi nods as if he didn’t know you changed the subject, he wasn’t one to pry. “we played soccer together when we were freshmen, but we both quit,” he laughs, and your stomach sours at the mention of heeseung. “what about you?”

“my girl friends, giselle and julie– you might know them, we used to go to ENA all the time,” you nod, “i don’t even remember how we first started going. i think julie still hooked up with someone in the frat back then.”

hoshi laughs, “i think everyone has hooked up with someone in ENA at this point, which is understandable. i think they only let sexy guys into that frat.”

that makes you snort as if you weren’t one of them. “it’s a part of the recruitment process, for sure. if you’re not hot, you don’t get in.”

“i almost joined,” hoshi says in a matter-of-fact kind of way, “they said i was too sexy, though,” he rolls his eyes and you withhold your laugh, “said i’d outshine the rest of them. they couldn’t handle me.” “hoshi, your swag too intimidating, your sexy too scary. they’ll kill you,” you joke, praying he understands your twitter joke, and his head dips back in laughter. your smile is proud, giggles slipping through your lips at your own joke.

“it’s understandable,” he’s prideful, flipping hair that he didn’t have over his shoulder, “i’m the one with roses waiting outside my front door every day.”

“oh!” you say with fake surprise, “how lucky am i that the kwon soonyoung asked me out, then?”

“you don’t even know,” he shakes his head with a smile, “i’ll sign a napkin for you before we leave, you’ll make millions.”

“ebay isn’t ready,” you counter, “i’ll put it in a glass case– the listing will say napkin used and signed by kwon soonyoung, i’ll set the price at three mil.”

“only three?!” his voice is louder, “you’re wounding me.”

the two of you fall into fits of giggles, finding yourselves lost in conversation after that. at some point hoshi waved down the bartender to get you another round of drinks, and two different appetizers for you to share. it was easy talking to him, he kept the conversation light hearted, he did exactly what you needed him to– he distracted you from everything else going on, fully succeeding in making you forget how down bad you were just hours earlier.

it was clear you were not bringing him to thanksgiving, though. the more his cheeks flushed, a rosy pink growing from the center of his face outward, the more you realized he’d make the perfect friend– the easygoing flirting didn’t stop, that much you were enjoying (of course), but you just couldn’t see yourself going any further than that. he reminded you of chan, just louder, more outspoken, funnier. a weekend friend, where chan was now stuck with you for life.

from partying to school to your hobbies, hoshi just wanted to get to know you, and you wanted to get to know him, too. you couldn’t smell any seriousness in him which you appreciated, you began to assume the feeling was mutual, something you didn’t need to talk about. his flirting didn’t worsen with each drink, just his silliness, his volume, and his laughter– he as a whole was refreshing. a good friend, you think, to anyone who gets to have him in their life. hopefully he sticks around in yours.

when the two of you were far past tipsy, your giggles becoming contagious, passed back and forth between one another– your thoughts crept back into your mind, the ones you spent the whole night shoving down. after this, when the drunk faded, after a good night’s sleep… you’d have to face reality.

“i don’t wanna go home,” you pout, still breathless from laughter, your cheeks sore.

hoshi raises a brow, but he doesn’t pry, “then let’s stay out all night, we can drink the bar dry.”

you give him a weak smile, barely meeting his eyes as you take the last sip from your third surfside. your elbow hits the bar, supporting your head as you shake the empty can, then set it down on the bar. “have you ever done something that felt… forbidden?”

hoshi’s lips scrunch, eyebrows furrowed in thought. “hmm,” he starts, “like what? there are many things that are forbidden.”

“have you ever liked someone you weren’t supposed to like?”

“oh, absolutely,” he nods as if it’s nothing, “my best friend’s girlfriend.”

you gasp, “what? tell me more, right now.”

“my friend joshua,” hoshi smiles with a shyness you haven’t seen him have yet, scratching the back of his neck, “his girlfriend… so pretty, so funny, so perfect in every way– probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but i think she might deadass be the love of my life.”

“no,” you shake your head, leaning in closer, “you’re fine, go on.”

“they’ve been dating for years,” hoshi drags out the last word like it’s the worst thing in the world, “i literally can’t be around them anymore, i can’t not act like i love her. i’ve been obsessed with her since they were a talking stage, and shua knows it.”

“he knows?!”

“he knows.”

“so?” you raise your brows, “are you still friends with him?”

“hell yeah,” hoshi nods, “we’re still close as ever, it put a strain on our relationship for a couple months but we’ve been friends for so long that it just kinda faded. he doesn’t bring her around me anymore.”

you let a breath out, sitting up a little straighter, “did you guys ever talk it out?”

“we had like three screaming matches,” he laughs, “he’s really protective of her, he has every reason to be, but he trusts her and he trusts me, too– i would never do anything about it, break them up or anything, it’s just kinda agonizing seeing them together in front of my face. i asked him to keep her away.”

“do you guys not hangout in group settings?”

“yeah!” he shakes his head, “i mean like, the three of us can’t hangout, which we did a lot of in the beginning, but when it got bad it was pretty obvious. group settings are the only time i see her.”

“damn, dude,” you shake your head, “that fucking sucks.”

“tell me about it,” he lets out a hollow laugh, “what about you? clearly you’re going through some shit.”

you make a face like he offended you, “what do you mean clearly?”

“my hoshi senses are tingling,” he wiggles his body, ripping a laugh from you, “no, really, who asks a question like that? saying forbidden like you casted a spell or some shit.” “maybe i was asking if you ever like, peed in a pool or something.”

“definitely done that before.”

“gross!”

“spill your guts,” he narrows his eyes, “i just spilled mine, it’s only fair.”

“fine,” you huff, “remember the guy who yelled at you at the party? san?” hoshi nods, “he’s been my friend since i was born, him and two others, yunho and yeosang. at the party, i hooked up with heeseung after flirting with yunho all night, now everyone’s pissed.”

hoshi flattens his lips, “seems fair.”

“not fair,” you hold up a finger, “hold on a second, i explained that very poorly.”

hoshi laughs loud and you take a breath, smiling as you collect your thoughts. “we’ve been friends since birth. i don’t know a life without him, that’s where the forbidden part came from, apparently he’s loved me for a long time and he only told me saturday night when i was fucked up and raging, and everyone else has known for a long time.”

“we’ve been flirting more than usual these past weeks but i didn’t really think anything would come of it– i’ve been going on a shit ton of dates trying to get a boyfriend before thanksgiving, and he’s been supportive for the most part, even encouraging, i never really considered him an option, nor did i know he had real feelings for me. when we were flirting i thought it was just flirting for the fuck of it.”

hoshi narrows his eyes, “weird situation, but i’m following. keep going.”

“then he tells me he loves me? and that everyone’s mad at me because they’re defending him!” you bring a hand to your forehead, tipsy and emotional and irritated. “they’re always at my house, i’ve barely been home because i don’t want to face them, face him. it won’t work, i don’t know how to tell him.”

“can you tell me about him? do you feel anything for him at all?”

you let out a bitter laugh, “i think yunho is the human embodiment of perfection. kind, loyal, observant, genuine, tall– he’s huge, soonie– he knows me better than anyone else in the world, better than my siblings, my parents. he’s always understood me, but it doesn’t mean we can be together.”

hoshi stares at you, then blinks a few times, then his eyes narrow in the silence. “and you won’t work, why? what are you even doing here right now?”

you scoff, “what do you mean? i’m having drinks with you.”

“yeah, what the fuck are you doing?” hoshi blinks at you again, “that isn’t forbidden, that’s like… a coming of age movie.”

“no it’s not!” you can feel the heat in your face rising, “it wouldn’t work, what would our friends think? our families? what if we don’t work out? then everything is destroyed, he’s been a constant my entire life. what am i gonna do if he’s not in it anymore, like you and joshua’s girlfriend, i don’t want to have to be separated from him.”

“who cares what they think?” he looks at you like you’re ridiculous, “a relationship is between two people, that’s it, and your friends seem supportive already. if he’s been in your life this long, it’s going to take more than a little romance to rip it all apart.”

“a little romance?” your eyes are wide, blown, “what if we date for like, years, and then it all goes in the shitter? what then?”

“then you might have to spend some time apart,” hoshi shrugs, “but you’re still gonna invite him to your wedding down the line, he’ll probably end up good friends with your husband, too. if he’s been in your life this long, i think it’s going to take a lot more to get him out of it. your lives are too twisted to lose him for real.”

you sigh, “i feel like you’re not getting it.”

“it’s taking a chance,” hoshi’s head bobs, swallowing thickly, “i really get it, trust me, but i also understand him, and not being able to have what you know would be the best thing to ever happen to you. i know it’s scary, but it’s a fuck around and find out kind of situation, if the risk is worth the reward, then why not try?”

you take a deep breath, asking yourself if the risk really is worth the reward. you think back to your first date, that night you spent with hyunjin on his couch after the art exhibit, how you described your perfect partner.

i want someone who knows me, someone who knows the ugliest parts of me and still wants to be with me. someone who knows what i’m thinking, what i’m going to say before i do because they’ve paid that much attention to me.

yunho has seen you at your best and your worst, and he still loves you. he’s at your beck and call, he could finish your sentences for you if you let him.

i have a big family, and they’re really important to me… despite how insane they all are. i want someone who understands that, and my family becomes just as important to them.

he’s best friends with your twin, your sister loves him, your parents see him as their son already– yunho’s already a part of your family.

i want to be with someone true, i want a partner who’s honest, true to themselves and true to me, doesn’t fake anything, none of that sugar coating shit. a true partnership, teamwork, someone who really means it when they say through thick and thin, someone who doesn’t run when shit gets hard.

he’s still been at your house every single day waiting for you. he texted you so many times for you to come home, for you to text him back, to talk this out. he’s not running.

a relationship is pointless to me if it isn’t built on trust, i want to be able to have full faith in my partner and they also have it in me. to be known is to be loved.

he trusts you enough to put his heart in your palms, and you trust him enough to put yours in his own. yunho has fit every single description you’ve ever made, he’s the one you’ve been describing this whole time– the reward is worth more than the risk, the reward could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and fear is holding you back?

it all starts to feel… silly. you start to feel silly.

your eyes meet hoshi’s again, and he’s already smiling. “starting to see the light, huh?”

“shut up,” your smile returns, “can’t believe it took a date with a random to realize this whole thing is fucking stupid.”

“damn,” hoshi scoffs, “didn’t have to say it like that.”

“my bad,” you shoot him a tight lipped grin, “i just realized i’ve wasted like, days of my life.”

“all i had to say was fuck around and find out, too.”

“i hope you find someone better than joshua’s girlfriend,” you offer, starting to feel guilty that this was supposed to be a date between you two. “or that joshua does something really bad and you can save the day with your squishy cheeks and funny jokes.”

hoshi shakes his head, “nah, they’re perfect for each other. i don’t wish anything bad on them.” he gives you a weak smile, “but it’ll work out for me in the end, i think i’m just so sexy that all the girls are scared of me right now. i need a few more wrinkles before i settle down.”

you bark out a laugh, “maybe you should start dressing worse, too. you’re so perfect it makes you unapproachable, maybe then ENA will take you in.”

“hell no, they can’t have me now,” hoshi puffs his chest out, “if they don’t want me at my best, they can’t have me at my worst.”

you put your hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze, “and i think you should keep that mentality for everything, king.”

you finish up your appetizers, making small talk about what you’re gonna do next– you need to talk to ace first, then the other two, and then you’ll finally ask yunho to talk. you need the others to know your side, to do damage control as chan called it, you need their opinion– or maybe even their blessing, and then you think your head will be clear enough to have a conversation with yunho. you text yeosang to pick you up, which he easily agrees to, not without making a comment on how you weren’t out for long… you can’t wait to tell him about hoshi.

you leave hendery’s with a tight hug to hoshi, whispering thank yous in his ear, then you’re in the backseat of yeosang’s very full porsche.

you sit next to san in the backseat who has his head turned, staring outside the window. ace is facing forward, quiet, and yeosang is turned toward you with a warm smile.

“so,” yeosang starts, his voice uneasy, “how was it?”

“good,” you smile at him, trying to fight the discomfort from the other two blatantly ignoring you. “he was really nice, he paid for everything, we talked the whole time, he helped me–”

“you have some fucking nerve,” your twin finally whips around, eyebrows slanted downward, gaze pointed, venom on his tongue. you flinch. “going on a date when yunho has been losing his shit for days?”

“listen, ace, i know it–”

“no, i don’t want to hear it,” he bites, brown hair a mess around his face, curls jumping with every word. “you’re so fucking selfish, tiny, i’ve been telling him to go after you for years–”

“years?!” you ask, eyes widening, voice loud.

yeosang, who had put the car in drive but has yet to drive away, uses a kind voice to say, “ace, can you please stop yelling so i can drive aw–”

“no,” ace nearly growls at his friend, “this has been getting out of hand, it needs to stop now.”

“can i at least finish my sentence?” you ask your twin, your voice raising to match his. ace blinks at you, you watch him try to control his frustration, his anger which was so valid, into something calmer.

“thank you, damn,” you take a breath, “i talked to him about yunho. i needed to talk to someone that wasn’t you guys, someone who wasn’t biased. he helped me realize that i do have feelings for yunho, and i’m willing to fuck around and find out.”

san turns his head at that, a small smile on his lips, a low sound of amusement leaving his nose. “fuck around and find out?”

“yes, hear me out,” you hold your hands up in defense, and as yeosang starts to drive away, you tell the story. “hoshi basically called me a dumbass, it snapped me back into reality i guess, or helped me move past the fear.”

ace turns back forward, running his palms over his face, muttering under his breath, “this whole thing is so fucking ridiculous.”

“and i agree,” you hold up a finger, “i am not excluding myself from the ridiculousness, i did in fact cause the ridiculousness, but i was scared. i was scared of what you guys would think, what would happen to us, or what being in a relationship with yunho would even be like. fear held me back, kept me away, i know it wasn’t fair but i didn’t know what else to do.”

“and about saturday,” you turn to san, “i’m sorry about how i treated you, how i spoke to you.”

san nods, letting his hand fall over yours on the seat, and takes a breath. “i’m sorry, too. we don’t talk to each other like that, or treat each other like that, we never have. i was so angry about heeseung and hurting for yunho, i couldn’t piece together that you were unaware of all of it in the moment.”

tears well up in your eyes, and you turn to the other two. “i’m sorry i’ve been avoiding you guys, i don’t know how to talk to you about this, i don’t know what to say, or how to feel these feelings about him. hearing him say he loved me really blindsided me.”

ace finally turned around, “you really didn’t know?” when you shake your head, he sighs. “i literally watched you guys flirt all night.”

you shrug, “i thought there could be something there, but most of me kinda just thought we were messing around, i was drunk, i don’t know.”

“the both of you are so helpless,” ace shakes his head, fighting a smile. “he meant it, you know. about loving you, he has for a long time.”

“years,” you say through a breath, “i had no idea.”

“i don’t want to say too much, that’s a conversation for you two to have,” ace continues, “but he’d be really good for you, tiny. if i could choose anyone for you, it’d be him, a thousand times over.”

heat scorches through your body, a smile crawling its way onto your face. “do you really mean that?”

“my best friend and my twin fucking sister?” ace looks at you with his eyebrows raised, “i wouldn’t say it if i didn’t mean it. you’re two dumbasses, you need each other to make one walking brain cell.”

you choke out a laugh, “asshole.”

the whole car erupts in laughter, and you feel so light that you could fly away. so much just got taken off your chest– except the last thing, the heaviest thing, the thing that had your palms sweating onto yeosang’s backseat.

you pull out your phone from your purse, opening yunho’s text thread, staring at all the messages left unanswered.

sunday, 9:43 am yunho: hey yunho: can we talk?

sunday, 1:27 pm yunho: are u not up yet :,) yunho: pls text me back when you are

sunday, 2:19 pm yunho: tiny i know youre up yunho: the boys said you arent home and your location’s off yunho: where are you?

sunday, 3:56 pm yunho: tiny please dont ice me out yunho: please talk to me about this yunho: at least hear me out, i want to explain myself yunho: im at your house

sunday, 5:32 pm yunho: okay yunho: please let me know when you’re ready yunho: i wont push it

you sigh, the weight in your gut getting heavier.

monday, 8:37 am yunho: goodmorning yunho: i hope todays better

monday, 6:36 pm yunho: can you please tell me if you’re okay at least yunho: im at your house yunho: i’m really worried about you

monday, 10:42 pm yunho: i feel like i should be embarrassed for texting you so many times yunho: if you were anyone else, i would be yunho: i care about you a lot. please be safe wherever you are yunho: love you

there’s a tightness in your chest again– you try to push it down.

tuesday, 7:32 am yunho: left the house before i got the chance to see you yunho: you’re being thorough yunho: at least let me talk to you, this is insane tiny yunho: can i explain how i feel so you can understand yunho: if you dont love me back thats fine tiny yunho: just please let me talk it out so we can go back to normal

wednesday, 8:17 am yunho: goodmorning again yunho: im not letting this go yunho: i know i said i wont push it but now im starting to tweak out yunho: please hear me out yunho: love you, hope your classes are good today

today, 7:59 am yunho: goodmorning again yunho: hope classes are good today

today, 4:32 pm yunho: im at your house yunho: pls come home

today, 6:02 pm yunho: i miss you

you take a deep breath, and your thumbs start typing.

today, 10:20 pm you: hey, can we talk tomorrow please? you: im ready

8fd masterlist | main masterlist

tags :p @chimivx @emmxxsworld @alisonyus @livixcore @skzswife @dawn-iscozy @yusalterego @velvetring00 @minvxq @moonlightgrleric @unicornwhisperer666 @sunnysidesins @hwashua-luv @hh0320 @moonl1ghtmuse

#recs #tace <333 #amazing as usual #obsessed #ateez #hoshi baby #hoshi #seventeen #kwon soonyoung x reader #kwon soonyoung x you #kwon soonyoung #hoshi x reader #hoshi x you

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