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joltai-showa · 1 month ago

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The sheer insanity of Iwagakure genetics

or a mountain village that seems to be made up of two clans - giants and gnomes - that started to intermingle with each other after the foundation of Iwa. With various degrees of success.

So recently I saw a post crying/laughing at the fact that Deidara (166 cm) is so tiny considering that he is an infamous terrorist belonging to Akatsuki and generally a threat to society that deserves S-rank slapped on his bounty. Now, being a vehement Deidara defender that I am, I wanna show that Deidara, being a child of Iwagakure, has a pretty okayish height, considering how absurd people in Iwa are built.

(me setting out to write this post detailing how Deidara is not three McDonald's sauces tall (he absolutely is))

So, to start off, I think it's important to establish a few things that can be generally observed from the data given on all characters in databooks, because from this we can actually see what Kishimoto (as the source for this data) presumes to be "normal" height ranges for characters in Naruto world

(and no we will not be discussing the weights that he assigns to these people, Kishi has ZERO clue how muscle mass works and it shows, as most of the characters would end up borderline anorexic with the amount of kilos he claims they have. KISAME AT ALMOST TWO METERS TALL, WEILDING A GIANT FUCKING SHARK-SWORD is supposed to be just over 80 kilograms??? are you fucking serious???)

(also obviously all stats and comparisons will be done in metric because that's how they are given in the original + I do not care for systems of measurement that have magical units like pinkies, toes, armpit hairs, football fields and the temperature in Arkansas, New Suckerland on May 7th, 1969)

The inspiration for this post was an old work posted back in 2016 on ficbook where authors compiled the height and weight data on most major characters in Naruto plot and started losing their marbles trying to make sense of it, but what is important for us right now is that they made a sorted table with all that stuff. I am not going to bother reposting it here because all text data in the table is written in Russian, which, I presume, most people reading this post don't speak, so I will simply provide the general observations that can be seen from it. The majority of adult men across all countries and eras seem to go from about 170cm (this is where Danzo of all people is located) to 185 cm (Maito father and son, Kakuzu, Hashirama are all around this point), meaning that if an adult man is above or below this range, then they can be considered pretty tall or pretty small compared to the rest of ninja world population. Then, if we look at adult women, we can see that they are spread out from about 160 cm (in the table that I am looking at we have Uchiha Mikoto at around 163 cm) to about 175 cm (the tallest woman that I can see in this sample is actually Terumi Mei of all people, at just 174 cm). So, women outside of this range can be treated similarly to men outside of their respective range. Finally, we got the teenagers, and the data on them is a bit wonky, as we have a bunch of ~16 year olds for Shippuden and a bunch of ~13 year olds for OG Naruto, but most boys go from somewhere around 165 to 175 cm (with the addition of guys killed in Shippuden it can go lower, to 155ish), while girls are about 160-165 cm tall (and then we have Tayuya, a 14 year old girl who was just 148 cm. jeez Orochimaru fed this girl nothing.)

And you are confused about this data because "wtf why is everyone so small, most adult men are supposed to be around 180-190ish cm tall" - you need to remember that Naruto, first and foremost, is a manga written by a Japanese man who has his own ideas regarding the general height of people. Japan, obviously, is not exactly famous for having tall people (compared to the rest of the globe anyways), and, from what I can see, the data on Naruto characters is actually pretty consistent with what can be observed in Japanese population.

(and yes I did google it and it seems like Kishimoto himself is 170 cm tall. so. yeah.)

But now we go onto the fascinating territory of our analysis - people in Iwagakure! Because god fucking dammit do they need to be studied, something weird is happening in Iwa and no one talks about it.

Kishimoto, while writing the manga, did an Araki meme and forgot about Iwagakure's existence, so there's actually a pretty limited number of characters that we need to go over to send ourselves into the Twilight zone!

Let's start with the OG among the OG, the first plot-relevant Iwagakure shinobi that ever appeared in the manga - the three jonins that team Minato encountered during the Kannabi bridge mission!

(yes, these guys' names and stats were given in the second databook)

(yes, it takes 239 CHAPTERS to actually see some Iwa ninja in the manga. it's rough trying to get some lore on Iwa, it's really fucking rough in here, Kishi does not remember they exist)

And during Kakashi Gaiden it seems like Kishimoto did not go completely bonkers when it comes to Iwa shinobi's heights, so these three are actually kinda sensible in that regard? But let's get into details, shall we.

Let's start with Mahiru that was doing the reconnaissance on the invaders near Kannabi bridge

(Mahiru, a brave Iwa jonin, trying to prevent Fourth Shinobi World War from happening by taking out the most prolific war criminal in the next two decades🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡chapter 240)

He is actually 176 cm talls, kinda closer to the lower bound, but nonetheless not that far away from the avarage.

Continuing with these guys, we are now onto the big guy of the group, Taiseki

(seeing his brave comrade's failure, another valiant Iwa shinobi steps in to prevent the Fourth Shinobi World War by not allowing the most prolific war criminal of the following twenty years to continue his existence🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡chapter 242)

Taiseki was a respectable 189 cm tall, and you'd think he'd be one of the more impressive ones in Iwa, but... no. no. just wait.

Finally, we have Kakko, but I like to call him "Now I am become Death, Destroyer of the Worlds" or just simply "canon event"

(seeing all of his comrades fail in face of the most prolific war criminal in the next twenty years, this bold Iwa ninja decides to use the power of gravity to beat the power of friendship, and is now enjoying his well-earned packaged juice🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡chapter 243)

Kakko here is 180 cm tall, which concludes the first three characters that we ever got to see from Iwagakure, and all of them are pretty reasonable when it compared to the rest of the shinobi world, with Taiseki being just a little bit above the upper boundary for adult men, but pretty insignificantly.

And now we are in Shippuden where shit gets wild, because most of the Iwa characters we are introduced to are shown around this part of Naruto's plot.

I will keep the most interesting line of them all - the Tsuchikage family line, because if there is one thing Iwa is better than Konoha it is in how absurdly nepotistic the governance is - till the end, because it's the funniest thing ever, so let's go over everyone else beforehand.

Our first major (ex)Iwagakure character is actually Deidara (who is the reason for this post existing)

(huh, now that's an unfamiliar face to Deidara's right. really makes one wonder who could it be🤔🤔🤔🤔chapter 357) (also Kishimoto fucked up their height difference, Deidara should be around his chin level lol)

Deidara breaks the pattern of normality set by his predecessors back at Kannabi bridge, and now we have a technically adult man at just 166 cm. So. Well. Yeah, he's pretty small. But he did leave the village at around 11 years old, so maybe spending half of his life on the thug life might have affected his growth prospects?

So while we are on the topic of Deidara, let's also talk about the unit he was working while still part of Iwagakure - Explosion Corps. And there was actually another member of Explosion Corps that we are introduced during the plot - Gari

(chapter 515. yeah sorry couldn't find anything better for this guy)

And Gari here is around 174 cm, soooooooooo, still kinda on the lower side, but better than Akatsuki's token femboy, that's for sure, but maybe the lack of nutrients during teenagehood is indeed the problem?

Now here's where the fun begins - Iwagakure has two jinchuriki, Roshi and Han. Let's take a look at how tall they are, and what we see is...

(I realized that these two got a pretty awesome colored page in Minato's oneshot, so here they are. still kinda amazed that Kishimoto in 2023 remembered that Iwa exists)

Roshi here is 149 cm tall.

While Han is 228 cm tall.

Holy fucking shit what the fuck is that. Just how. What. Where DID THIS come from. Should it be mentioned that it's WILDELY away from the norm? Also how the fuck did you manage to get two people in your village with this much of a height gap??? Han is literally 1.5 Roshi????

Okay, things get weird, but surely that won't become a pattern, right?

Now we get to the last non-Tsuchikage/Tsuchikage-blood related shinobi from Iwa, and it's Akatsuchi

(chapter 454)

And Akatsuchi is a big boy. A very big boy. So big that he is in fact exactly 2 meters tall. Also I am looking at the wiki and in Boruto he grew another 12 cm even if in Shippuden he is already 20 years old??????

(like, bro, what the fuck? why do you need another 12 cm?? where did you even get them??? Deidara is forced to scrape at the bottom of the barrel and tying up a shitty ponytail just so people can see him during Akatsuki meetings, while you get 12 cm for free for no reason???? share them with Deidara??????)

Okay, this is becoming bizarre, but maybe Roshi and Deidara are two outliers who just happened to be small, while the rest of the village is likely to be more on the larger side?

And this is where we arrive to the Tsuchikage line.

Mu is the only one amongst four who is not related to the others by blood, so let's get him out of the way

(chapter 547)

He is 173 cm tall, which, okay, fine, technically on the smaller side, but still acceptable.

Now we are finally on what I call poor Kurotsuchi's bloodline, because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT

(chapter 575)

This is Ishikawa, the first Tsuchikage, the founder of Iwagakure, Onoki's grandfather and Kurotsuchi's great-great grandfather. HE IS JUST 145 CM TALL. 145.

THEN WE GET TO ONOKI HIMSELF

(chapter 454. yes I am using the same spread for Onoki, Kurotsuchi and Akatsuchi)

AND GUESS WHAT. HE IS ONLY 130 CM. ONE FUCKING METER AND THIRTY CENTIMETERS.

AND NOW WE GO TO KITSUCHI, KUROTSUCHI'S FATHER AND (HOPEFULLY) ONOKI'S SON-IN-LAW (BECAUSE OTHERWISE KISHIMOTO SOMEHOW ROBBED US OF THE INSANE IWA LORE ABOUT HOW ONOKI MARRIED AN ACTUAL 3 METER GIANTESS)

(chapter 515)

AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. KITSUCHI IS 217 MOTHERFUCKING CENTIMETERS TALL.

AND AFTER ALL OF THAT WE FINALLY COME TO POOR KUROTSUCHI WHO HAS ALL OF THAT IN HER GENE POOL

(god I fucking love Iwa uniforms. she fucking slayed so hard in it. she ate and left no crumbs.)

And against all fucking odds she made it to 164 cm. Which. Honestly. Good god girl that's the best outcome you could have hoped for.

And that's how our "wtf is wrong with Iwa in terms of height" posts comes to a close. I hope you had fun going ape shit at the random assortment of facts regarding these guys. I sure went insane.

Moral of the story: don't bully Deidara for his height. He's trying his best. There's probably a halfling up in his family tree. He and Kurotsuchi are fighting an uphill battle against the genetics. Likely all kids born during the Third Shinobi World War do. They probably didn't get fed that much as toddlers. Except for Akatsuchi. That guy probably steals bits of vertebrae from his classmates and teammates.

#naruto #jolt showa's ramblings #deidara #kurotsuchi #akatsuchi #onoki #iwagakure #come to think of that how the hell do they even build doors in iwa #do akatsuchi kurotsuchi deidara go inside a room and akatsuchi hits the ceiling piece or is the frame like twice the size of deidei and kuro

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candycryptids · 9 months ago

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Hiya! I hope you're doing well today! I love your characters and how you've structered their bios! Since Chuusday is listed first, is she technically your official WOL or is it someone else? Do you canonically have a WOL in the first place?

Also, I find it SO sweet that you and one of your partners both play FFXIV and have characters paired together ;w; Did you meet ingame or long before either of you started playing? Either way I wish you both the best!!! <3 - gardenofballads 🌻

Awaaaah! Im doing pretty ok!!! Taking time to answer this as a wind down from Emerald Weapon Ex Brain Soupage. And I’m so glad! ;W; I think I butchered one of those “Get To Know An OC” thingies- uhh… oh [this one] actually! I chopped a lot out and I think added a couple different thingums instead because there was so much to that that it felt overwhelming to try to look at let alone fill out LOL but it was a really good jumping off point uvu;

And!!! Hilariously Chuu was my First XIV Character, so she’s dear to my heart for being the first one- but she very quickly made it known being the WOL even as an AU was something of a Joke (Her character showed great reluctance and even frustration at having to do So Much World Saving, maybe a side-effect of me rushing through MSQ to catch up with my other spouse [Who plays Talia, though they’ve got less time for XIV these days ;0;] and the rest of my friends who were all EndGame already at the time in Shadowbringers fhdjfjsjfs.) So I made…… many alts. Throwing spaghetti at the wall but I have SEVERE side-character/NPC brain and kept making “supporting cast” types =w=; it actually took me like. 3? Alts before making an ACTUAL WoL with my husband (Ishi’li and Kizuna) (as of Right Meow, they’re in post ARR, but we’ve been working on Keathan and Tuesday together because Keathan was… Keathan’s first character in xiv XD so we’ve been jaunting through the story together and experiencing every inch of it so we can pick and choose what The Boys™ get up to when we wanna focus on them x3)

🥰 I knew both speece during at least high school- but I actually knew Keathan as early as Elementary school hehe 😌 tho the speece didn’t proper marry until… i’unno, 2017? (For frustrating legal reasons, I’m not legally married, but. As it goes. Someday we’ll have money to visit the one state that has legal poly marriages. Also I struggle to remember our wedding year 🫢)

Since managing to make a Co-WoL with my husband I’ve managed to make one other Alt meant to be a Solo-WoL (Mochiie) but I have to really wrinkle my brain to sink time into playing him, since I’m trying to take screenshots throughout the story at what I find to be inspiring beats xD And even still he has an alt-universe where he’s just a side-character for the ‘Main Timeline’ (where there’s a bunch of spaghetti and like 8+ confirmed WoL’s and the Msq entourage looks HILARIOUS in canon, someday I’ll get all the data together and take pictures, but I think it’ll cook what’s left of my brain x’3) [it’s less concrete than anything I’ve posted about before or I’d try to explain it ;v;’ it’s just interesting mostly to see how the story gets stretched to fit around a larger community of heroes than a solo guy shouldering the whole burden lmfao.]

🌸🌸🌸…. I also hope you’re having a lovely week @gardenofballads !!!! I am tossing flower petals into the air around you !!! Thank you for the ask and well wishes n kind words 🥺💖 🌸🌸🌸

#ask game #day-2-day #I have serious Alt Disease as well which doesn’t help much XD #tho I try to justify it by making them a variety of races/genders/classes so I’m not just making 15 similar guys in different color palettes #like some kinda smash game…. LMFAO.#it helps some tho cos they get to flesh out and add meat color and history to The Boys+Co’s adventures/histories/stories uvu like Lev….)#Solkmyna and Swydghem who are true NPC alts of mine are even slotted into post ShB…#🫢 but they’re mostly just fun for me to occasionally chew on like a squeaky toy #tangy is schroedingers WoL. both is and Isn’t. could be The WoL if the au called for it but also works perfectly as just a Scion instead #…. wordy tags… my bad… ANYWAYS FR HOPE YOUR DAY/NIGHT IS NICE AND PLEASANT #I gotta stare blankly at the ceiling now while trying to retain mechanics but not pressed against the display glass of my brain #🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💖‼️#spawn speece #also yes there is something deeply strange wired in my brain where I link to sources but not super consistently like some kinda bad wiki pag #if I had stuff for Keathan + Kizuna to link to tbh I’d link to it here too LOL.#when I get ahold of Talia and Setsuna I’ll probably make little reference posts- not really Bio’s cos they’re not my blorbs #they’re my partners blorbs; but it might be handy to have a frame of reference to point at beyond vague name dropping #actually I love linking to names because my memory is just so piss poor. why not just make it easier for everyone else also #I know I have 185756328 OC’s xbdnfjdnfsnfjs so.#I have to do this for one of my friends uvu; bad memory havers rise up

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